c
  

  c  
    
   

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Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a
pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty
close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly
horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me,
so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor
apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal
where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure
enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was
really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he
wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting
hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-
but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it
anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it
landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a
heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again
asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building,
and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have
slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing
of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when
suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he
started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the
apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let
go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I
was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and
crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated.
Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
‘
‘

‘  ! "

Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the
ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he
explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from
work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."

"What?" his father replied.

"When I got home from school, Mommy

was laying on the bed with her legs
pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm
coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for
Uncle Terry holding her down we would
have lost her for sure!"

[‘ G 
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was
fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"
Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the
animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for
his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
"fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."

The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word 'fascinate'
in your sentence."

Little Johnny continued, "But her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."
‘
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m‘ # 
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship,
they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a
Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the
road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any
children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their
vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving
conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only
one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been
driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and
you're reading this, it illustrates another point: Women never listen either.
‘

0‘ $ !%c&& 

The following is an excerpt from the Wall Street Journal by Jim Carlton.

This was forwarded by P. Wyatt .

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key," "Press Return Key"
because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining

that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem,
it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into
the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes.
A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed
copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy

back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold
on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room
to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer

to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a

Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me
a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead
was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for
me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no

longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water
and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing
them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged

because his computer had told him he was "bad" and "invalid."
The tech explained that the computer's bad and invalid
responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get

her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged
in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.
Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
Happens." The "pedal" turned out to be the computer's
mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked
what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire Sys Op:

Tech support: Hello, this is Tech Support.

Caller: Is this tech support?

Tech support: Yes, it is. How may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I
go about getting
that fixed?

Tech Support: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?

Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.

Tech Support: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am. Did you
receive this as part of
a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any
trademark on it?

Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has
"4X" on it.

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The
caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and
snapped it off the drive!
‘

Ñ‘ '  
(&

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for
the Pastor and his housekeeper. One day, the pastor invited his new young assistant
pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how
shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and he wondered if there was anything indecent
going on between the two.

After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything
was purely professional and that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.
About a week later, the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the
new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose he took it, do you?"

The Pastor said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter."

So he wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying
you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you
were here for dinner."

The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father
Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you
do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for certain that if you slept in your own
bed, you would have found the gravy ladle."
‘

Õ‘ )
 ) *
c )+
A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went
into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he
answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"
"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Size 53 tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.

He replied, "How about some shoes?"
"What size?"
"Size 15 double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.

"Yes, ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat."
"Yes, sir. What size?"
"Eight and five-eighths."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas."

The woman virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No, ma'am , I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted his money, she
blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?"

"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor, ma'am?"
‘
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Rated Score: 

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was
physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it
was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that
Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale
could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

2. A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they

were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As
she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing
was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will
in a minute."

3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father
and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou
shall not kill."

4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the
kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white
hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs
white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me
cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this
revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs
are white?"

5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's
dead."

6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make
the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you
know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood
doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted. ?Cause your feet ain't empty."

7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for
lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note,
and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile
of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is
watching the apples.?
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Rated Score: 

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A

TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE

MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION

FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE
OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED

AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A
SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR
APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR

FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.

DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would
be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN
UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who
are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE

ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now
I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain

nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT

NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR

HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT

ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE

MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)

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Rated Score: 
Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog, at
Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet
again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but
that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load
your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel
hungry and that the foods nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I
told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!!

‘
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Rated Score: 
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself
decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let the President
know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue
either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a
minute MI-6 called the White House with this reply, "Tell the President he's holding the
message upside down."
‘
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 ‘
Rated Score: 
This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails I've received in

Awhile. Someone out there either has too much Spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay Too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-
law).

Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!! DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS
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Rated Score: 
These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website
and were answered by the website owner -

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the
plants grow? (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've
been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden) A: So it's true what
they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them
in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle
shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear
racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 90
degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint
little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir
plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France) A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I
can sell it in South Africa?(USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller
than the male population? (Italy) A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France) A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany) A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import
them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?
(Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum.
USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South
African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying
in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to
learn it first.
‘