Late hours of midnight

13th Feb. 2007

The horizons are totally engulfed on the webs of clouds and fogs; thus the sun rays
are resisting, lighting the world. Tiers had slowly started to rotate the livelihood. On the nearby
hostel a great crowd had gathered and atmosphere is echoed with the whispers of possibilities
and probabilities. Being the reporter I hurried there with the hope that I could came with striking
news on the column. When I reached there I remember Sunaina whom I had knew few months
back in an exhibition. Since she was living in the same hostel I called her, but she didn’t
received the call. Being anxious I hurried towards the compound but the officers stopped me for
more than required, telling that they are studying the required scene. I nodded. On the nearby
shop, pinkfloyds are celebrating the great gig on the sky. After some delay I entered the scene.
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Dear Roshan,
It’s freezing cold outside the room but the happenings are so moving that their burnt
aren’t letting me get out of it. The doors are indeed closed and I had a constant fear that I’d
be unable to grasp the reality via the disgruntled window panes. I’m deeply enthralled and
fascinated by the newly found voidness and depression. I’m being used to live with the shadows
of grey facets of life. Everytime I close my eyes, the agony of the paradox start haunting more
effervatively. And now all these failures had made me feel that I’m an old creature terribly
frustrated on own cage of disguise.
The story is quite simple quite complex. My childhood memories are all filled with the
strokes of the lines that I knowingly or unknowingly crafted on my heart bits. Their remaining are
still felt with the every pulses that are close to my cerebrum. I had no problem garnering the
happiness from my family. But the arrogance of my dad was something I detested mostly and I
still hold those feelings close to me. They had no problem at all when I present the 1st article I
had created in front of them. They were indeed proud to tell the lists of awards I had achieved.
But there was the problem when I passed my slc examinations. Not because I had passed but
due to my wish of joining Arts college rather than their prescription of humming the rhymes of
great theories and groundbreaking inventions. I had no feelings towards the great big bang
theories or with e=mc2 or whatever else. So my question to ridicule myself was what am I
destined for? The sheet of the shit admission on the science faculty was there on my fortune.
And it’s still the same.
Since I had no way left than murdering my thoughts and concentrate on the long
derivations and dead equations, I modified myself into the robot. Otherwise I could be staying on
the nearby ground for hours staring the void sky holding the twinkling stars romantically. When
the moon came with the big bright smile and clouds are flirting with it giving wink towards the
stars, the scenario is equivalent to the unseen paradise if not great than that. But as the morning
glory start producing its presence in grand manner my decades like day just get the beginning.
I’m there on those long dead lectures physically, but mentally I’m freeze and blocked. And lately
I’m feeling suffocations with the moons and stars! Springs are no more passionate.
Finally I get rid of that trauma. But to my further dismay I was again forced to choose the
field which holds no meaning at all with me. As soon as the results were out I had to join the
engineering to fulfill the dreams of everybody close to me. I tried my best to convince that
joining arts and literature wouldn’t make me downtrodden. That I had my dreams linked with
them rather than degree of technical field. As always they stuck on their decision and I let mine
I was not comfortable with the yearly presence of fake examinations on intermediate and
to aid to my trauma I was with this damn semester system. Sometime I felt like running far away
from all these cacophony of bizarre life where I could fly along with the birds on long voyages,
flow along with the stream on the foyer with the dwindling lights when there are the parades of
creatures returning to their life for a sweet nap. But whenever I open my eyes the devil are
always there to tarnish my image. It felt really bad. The results are out and it’s been three
semesters where I had transferred from bad to worst condition. The equilibrium had been totally
disturbed. I’m not in my own control.
Every time I had a vacation I reach my parents waiting eagerly for my arrival as if I’m
there to share my great trips of college life with loads of laughter and tons of happiness. It’s not
their fault, after all who wants their child to be unsuccessful. I want to rest myself on my mother
lap and cry for whole days and nights so that I could at least feel that there is someone who
could save me from all these ultra disasters. There is still someone who could be alongside me
on my days of blue! But those things never happened and are unlikely to happen on the days to
The failures on the exams had made me more and more nervous and insensitive. I’m
feeling as if my soul had already left me. The sanity inside me had been all but dead with all the
menace that is taking place. I’m not of the kind who had the habit of giving up and surrendering
even on the worst nightmares but sometime expecting the unexpected becomes the way and
realty of life. And I’m going to live that on the fullest! Those great stuffs from the greatest
physicists, chemists, and mathematician are aiding on my sleepless nights which made me feel
like the complete package of disaster, an ultimate underdog and the deranged homicide!
I hope someday I could be able to live my life the way I wanted madly and the way I
cherished flamboyantly. My sleepless nights are on the verge of facing the remedy of sleeping
pills. The volcanic eruptions are taking place deep inside the depth on the frustrated veins of
the damn chambers. Am I to survive winning the world like the great Alexander or am I to fight
the last war of waterloo like the ending tales of napoleon? The turnings of the pages of
calendars would be crucial by now…
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This was among the relevant papers found on the scene of investigation that could help
reach the core of committed suicide. The suicide was committed by my newly made friend
sunaina, and I’m more than devastated on this trauma! When I further consulted her colleagues I
came to know that she was last time seen on the chemistry lab where she gulped the invention
of the modern chemistry; Methanol. After gulping the chemical there was only fraction of time left
on her life. And I wonder what were those last feelings, that were hovering around the boundary
between life and death? And those are the things which I could never know and understand!
I was present on her funeral and that had made me more unstable and alienated. That’s
the reason why I’m mailing this long email on the hours of late midnight where the tolls of the
dead are ringing on the rugged world. This could have been the latest stuff on the column
handled by me. But I am being unable to do that way. The reasons are still not known to me
otherwise I could have told you.
And to your further dismay I would like to inform you that I would be not participating on
the upcoming seminar related with the global village. Coz on my understanding the world might
have been sinking into the single village and the opinions of freedom and independence might
seem like broadening equivalent to the vast universe, but the existing gap between the reality
and the old and wrinkled thoughts are still a million light years away! That’s why I’m unable to
present myself like the theatre actor! I’d inform you when I would be able to continue my job on
your publication. But before that I’m going to enjoy my sleepless nights, angst and frustrations,
illusion state of mind, on the dwindling twilight on the memories of sunaina until I reach the foyer
Sincerely insincere yours
Roshan