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The Golden Rule Workbook
The Golden Rule Workbook
The Golden Rule Workbook
Published by GRO Copyright 1999 7450 W 52nd Ave #M241 Arvada, CO 80002 First Printing
ISBN 0-9660015-1-6
Table of Contents
1 - Overview ................................................................................................................ 4 2 - The Golden Rule & Its Significance............................................................................ 6 3 - My experience with the Golden Rule ........................................................................ 10 4 - Me First! No, Me First ...................................................................................... 11 5 - Creating a New Golden Rule World ......................................................................... 15 6 - Negative/Positive Thinking and the Golden Rule ....................................................... 16 Part Two - Tools & Tips for Applying the Golden Rule 7 - Getting to Know You ............................................................................................. 23 8 - Changing Yourself ................................................................................................. 26 9 - Wanting & Taking Criticism - The Key to Applying the Golden Rule............................ 27 10 - You Cant Always Get What You Want .................................................................. 29 11 - Communication, Communication, Communication.................................................. 30 12 - Seeing From Someone Elses Point of View............................................................ 33 13 - Selfish Addictions, Deciding What You Want, Commitment & Determination............. 35 14 - Getting some Help from Your Sub-conscious Mind .................................................. 38 15 - Goals.................................................................................................................. 40 16 - Ideals................................................................................................................. 45 17 - Self Tolerance ..................................................................................................... 47 18 - Using Corrective Affirmations to Help You Practice what you Preach (or Believe In). 48 19 - Things To Do Today (Before I Physically Die).......................................................... 49 20 - Working with others of Like-Mind .......................................................................... 50 21 - Choosing Intentional Roommates .......................................................................... 54 22 - Intentional Roommate Meetings ............................................................................ 58 23 - Family/Spouse Issues ........................................................................................... 62 24 - Creating Your Individual Daily Golden Rule Program ............................................... 67 Personal Declaration Section........................................................................................ 69
All good people are essentially just one big family within the human race. And all good people, relate to the Golden Rule. Its a non-denominational universal concept that involves individual spirituality, rather than religion. Practicing the Golden Rule doesnt require anyone to change religions, leave their religion, or join a religion if they dont have one. If you belong to a church, synagogue, temple, ashram, etc., and you like the idea of the Golden Rule, you can talk to the appropriate congregation leaders about starting sanctioned Golden Rule clubs or study groups. If you dont have a religion, but would like to participate in a Golden Rule oriented fellowship with like-minded individuals, we are building a referral database of both independent Golden Rule Study Groups/Clubs (not affiliated with any religion), and Golden Rule groups affiliated with known sympathetic churches/temples/etc.. A Benny for Your Thoughts Benjamin Franklin once set out to write a book very much like this one. He had developed specific techniques for perfecting oneself through the development of virtues. It was to be called The Art of Virtue, but was never finished. More importantly perhaps, Franklin also intended to create an organization and secret society based on that idea. He strongly believed that if even a few people committed their lives to developing the virtues of being a good person, and then secretly recruited friends and family, over time it would spread from one person to the next, and eventually create a new and better society. Part of his plan was for the program to be universal - not to be limited to any one religion, and to avoid alienating any religion. The need for secrecy was primarily due to the threat of being charged with heresy in those days. That particular threat is gone in this day and age, and we can openly pursue such a wonderful nondenominational program. It is our hope and belief that this book, and the creation of Golden Rule Organization (GRO), fulfills his goals and dreams. Read before Using If you intend to use this workbook to help you apply the Golden Rule in your life, please read it all the way through one time, and then re-read it again. This is necessary because many of the concepts presented here, cross-over with each other, and are subsequently scattered throughout the book. Thus, if you arent familiar with all the concepts, you may not fully understand everything until after youve read it through once, and read it again.
is not only Pure love, but pure, real spirituality. And even if you cannot change the world so profoundly, it still represents what kind of a spiritual world we can eventually live in if we live by the Golden Rule, and make ourselves deserving citizens of paradise. A Universal Concept One of the beauties of the Golden Rule is its total universality. It goes beyond being just nondenominational and omni-denominational. As you will note in the above story, the issue of religious persuasion or faith was irrelevant. Assuming the people in that story were of various persuasions, it was their Pure love or selfishness that ultimately made the difference in their circumstances. The division between the happy place and the miserable place, wasnt between Christians with 12 foot spoons, or Buddhists with 12 foot spoons, or agnostics with 12 foot spoons - or even an issue of who had spoons or not. The thing that separated those people in the story (as it does in reality too), was whether or not theyd learned that living by having Pure love was more important than variations in their belief systems. And thats what this is all about. The concept of the Golden Rule applies to all good, caring, giving people, regardless of religion, faith, or lack of faith. It is a universal principle that anyone anywhere can use to improve their life, the lives of those around them, and ultimately, the whole world. Isnt that incredible, exciting, amazing and wonderful!? The Golden Rule has a variety of typical definitions, which essentially all have the same meaning. Sometimes its interpreted as Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, or Love thy Neighbor as thy self. We would add Do no harm to others and Think of others first to that list. They are all good definitions in our opinion, and you can see how they are all reflected in the above parable. But all those definitions and sayings are really by-products of Pure love/Unselfishly loving others. Pure love covers them all, and is the mother of them all. So to clarify the definition used in this book, when we say living by the Golden Rule, we basically mean living by unselfishly loving others. While such Golden Rule principles are included in the beliefs of many spiritual traditions, in the Christian oriented parts of the world the Golden Rule is commonly attributed to a quote from Jesus. Here is how it reads in the Bible (From the Gospel of John, King James version, chapter 13): A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. That quote seems to make it crystal-clear that Pure love, unselfishly loving others (as Jesus did) is the ultimate commandment Christians are supposed to live by. But the concept itself (Pure love or living by unselfishly loving others), is not exclusive to any religion. The same principle is also a belief of all basically good people, religious or not. It can include those of any faith, and those who have no faith. You may disagree, but it appears that based on Jesus own words, as long as someone obeys His commandment to love one another as He did, they are also followers of His - they are also Christians. But denominational labels and semantics aside, it is our opinion that those who indeed live by that beautiful Golden Rule, are behaving in a most spiritually responsible manner. The fact that they are also subsequently being a real Christian as directly defined by Jesus, is interesting though. But in any case, following the Golden Rule means being a caring spiritual person, regardless of label or affiliation. In that sense, as we said earlier, the Golden Rule is strikingly (and wonderfully) universal. If you really think about it, there are few things that are so cross-cultural and universal. Perhaps the most universal, is a smile. Music can often cross cultures too. But when it comes to cross-cultural spiritual or moral concepts, the Golden Rule has no rival. While people often disagree on religion & politics, most everyone can agree on the goodness and right-ness of living by the Golden Rule, regardless of culture or religious belief. Thus its an ideal in which all kind hearted people can join together towards the common goal of manifesting Pure love and its virtues (kindness, compassion, tolerance, peace, sharing, giving, etc..) in tangible ways, for the mutual betterment of themselves, and all creation. Why the Golden Rule is the Big Key to Solving All of Lifes Problems The great need for the Golden Rule is as simple as the Rule itself. Just take that parable about the people with the 12 foot spoons, and apply it in present-day, real-world situations. People are suffering all over the world. Even those who seem to be happy, often actually have a painful empty pit inside them that they attempt to ignore by constantly chasing after diversions and fun. Alcohol and drugs are used to try and cope with it sometimes too, even in the best of families and amongst the wealthy who have everything they want (materially). Then of course there are the various wars and oppressions. So whats the problem? Why cant people be happy, and live in peace and cooperation? If you objectively look around at the world, and at peoples lives, you can trace all problems to one thing - selfishness. Thats right, just that ONETHING. If you thought greed or hate were the big problems, youre right, but think further. Greed is just one aspect of selfishness, one branch. So is hate, lust, theft, starting wars, killing, jealousy,
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envy, etc., etc.. And all of those branches of selfishness have sub-branches too. For instance, the reason for some people losing their jobs, or things like the destruction of a rainforest, or over-fishing to extinction, is greed. But again, greed is just a branch of that ONETHING. You name the problem, its real source is selfishness. A person who is religiously enlightened appears to me to be one who has liberated himself from the fetters of his selfish desires and is preoccupied with thoughts, feelings and aspirations to which he clings because of their superpersonal value. -Albert Einstein Unlike the common phrase fight fire with fire, you usually get better results fighting fire with water. So what better to fight selfishness with, than its opposite - unselfishness. Enter the Golden Rule. The answer, and the cure to all of lifes problems. Using a Christ/Anti-Christ analogy, selfishness is like the Anti-Christ principle, and The Golden Rule is like the Christ principle. Once that is clearly understood, the only trick is implementing it in your life, and helping others do the same. Which brings us to the next prerequisite - understanding the source of selfishness. Selfishness is a result of separation. Its an outgrowth, and outcome, of being separate. Separate from what? Everyone and everything else. Separate from others, separate from nature/the Universe/God. If you totally feel and believe that you are a separate being from everyone else, and everything else in the Universe, its naturally you against the world. Me first. Look out for number one. It all makes total sense from that separate perspective. But the truth is that we are all One creation - scientifically speaking, and spiritually speaking. Looking at it scientifically without a religious or spiritual viewpoint, scientists know we are all made of the same essential stuff, and the Universe is one thing, one energy, forming unimaginable numbers of parts of creation. Even if you take the stance that humans just developed self-awareness through evolution, that selfawareness is still what is behind humans seeing themselves as separate, and getting out of harmony with everything else in the Universe and nature. With that self-consciousness you have the separate self contemplating its me against the world (or against the Universe) scenario. Theologically, you can consider it like the story of Adam and Eve, or fallen angels (whether you wish to interpret that allegorically or factually). Rebelling against the One God, caused a separation or cut off from the One God, and again, suddenly, there was the separate self contemplating its me against the world (or against the Universe/God) scenario. So anyway you look at it, the result is the same. The I, me, mine thinking and behaving begins. And with that, greed, jealousy, fear, intolerance, hate, etc., etc., and all the problems that creates. But we all have both a selfish-side self (that contributes to those problems), and a soul, spirit or good side too. Other than humans who let their selfish-side control them (most humans), everything else in the Universe functions as one harmonious system. Disjointed, separate thinking and behavior, interferes with that harmony, and creates disruptive ripples in the pond that can cause pain and suffering. And when those ripples we create hit the edge of the pond, they bounce back in even more complex patterns. Again, selfishness, and its endless cycle of desire and fear, causes all the problems in our personal lives, as well as the world. Its easy to see for those who dont deliberately make themselves blind because of their selfishness and fear. Once you have identified the problem, you can find a solution. In this case, since the real problem behind everything is selfishness and separation from the Universe/God, the solution is unselfishness, transcending the illusion of separation, and returning to oneness and harmony with the Universe/God. Anything that can help that process (as long as its harmless), is a good thing as far as Im concerned. The Golden Rule and its offspring virtues, are thus a big key, and perfect way to achieve the above goal. And even if living by the Golden Rule didnt achieve that lofty goal, its still a win - win situation, because you become a better person, feel better, and help others. It just makes common sense. Ironically, while the Golden Rule is intellectually well known by almost everyone, it seems to be stuck in some mental file cabinet within the dusty archives of peoples brains. Its amazing when you think about it. The Golden Rule is probably the most vital, positive, constructive principle in the world (in both a spiritual and practical sense) - and its always been just sitting there right before us, waiting for us to notice it, take it and use it. Its likely we even heard about it from our mother or family when we were children. There in the recesses of our mind, is this incredible, powerful, yet simple, universal, common sense means of developing true spirituality, improving our lives and the lives of others. Its so simple, so basic, so truly profound in a real sense - yet its often not even thought of by most of us as we search for profound spiritual knowledge, truths, and beliefs. And even if it is thought of, its often not thought of as being as significant as it really is. Or its just misunderstood, ignored, or given up on. But that is all changing. The Golden Rule seems to have been lying dormant within the hearts and minds of many good people like some kind of spiritual time capsule waiting to be opened. Benjamin Franklin said, You will observe with concern how long a useful truth may be known and exist, before it is generally received and practiced on. Well,
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the useful truth of the Golden Rule has been around a very long time, yet it seems that only now is it really beginning to be generally received and practiced on by many people. Its time has finally come. The response we (the Golden Rule Organization [GRO]) have been getting to the idea of people implementing the Golden Rule in their lives, is remarkable. People everywhere are responding, and experiencing an awakening of the Golden Rule within themselves. And as they each start living by the Golden Rule, and discussing its simple beauty with acquaintances, friends, family, and neighbors, some of them respond to it also. In this time of so much change and turmoil in the world, the common sense of the Golden Rule, is creating a common spirituality, and spreading on a grass roots level. And as Franklin seemed to grasp, it is a movement that will eventually spread amongst those of likemind throughout the world. The time you spend on developing your own unselfish love, and on spreading it to others, is invaluable. Heres a nice thought from Albert Schweitzer - You must give some time to your fellow men. Even if its a little thing, do something for others - something for which you get no pay but the privilege of doing it.
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someone does mean that you will always care for them, always still care about what is best for them, regardless of what the loved one may do or choose. But there can be conditions set on interaction or support. What conditions? Its not a matter of a fixed rule. Everyone is different. Everyone has different needs. There are some things that are the same, but each individual does have different things that should be allowed, or not allowed. Loving someone unselfishly, automatically makes you give to the loved one what their whole being needs. But it does not just feed their wants and desires. In fact, Unselfish Love may actually require denying a loved ones desire. But whatever is required for the person, whether giving, and/or denying, both are done REGARDLESS of its consequences on you. Even if it means the person will hate you, or fight you, you must do what is best for them. For example, consider the raising of children. Lets look at the application of Unselfish Love vs. unconditional love and normal (selfish) love, in that scenario. There are times when you should not give a child what it wants, because its not in their best interest. They may want something that could harm themselves, or harm someone or something else. But when Unselfish Love is not present, a child is likely to be given in to when they persist, or through an ego tantrum. But if you give in, even if there is no physical harm that results, it can make them what is commonly called spoiled. The term spoiled is merely a euphemism for a persons selfishness being so consistently given in to and well fed, that the selfish self grows in power and wants more, and expects more. In the case of children, they become what people call little monsters, and in the case of adults, they become whats called selfish jerks or bitches. Child or adult, a person whos selfishness is overindulged becomes quite difficult to deal with, and they lack civility, and love for others. You may have seen people who are often mean to their children, sometimes they get very abusive. But that isnt what we mean by not giving in to them. Quite the opposite. There is a common flip side to the coin of indulging someones self. Since it is being done because the person giving in is actually selfish, the other aspects of their selfishness also come out. Sometimes rather than giving in to a child, the same parent (who is not Unselfishly Loving), will instead treat the child with anger or even violence, which also further creates bad programming, bad behavior, and a monster. How many times have you seen a parent tell a child not to do something, and the child ignores them? The child ignores them because they KNOW they can get away with it. Then the parent says no again. Still no results. Eventually the parent gets angry, and either yells or strikes the child. What does that teach the child? Two things - one, it may be worth the gamble to see how far it can get away with something, because they know the parent doesnt really mean what they say, or back up their threats very often. And two, when the parent finally loses it, all the child knows is they are being attacked, hated, and that bigger and stronger is better, and might makes right. All very bad lessons. On the other hand, an Unselfishly Loving parent will give loving instructions one time, and then demonstrate that with absolute regularity, that if they are not listened to, a loving discipline will occur. Sure, it takes more work, and iron clad consistency, and you must sometimes do things that are unpleasant, both for yourself and for the child such as taking away something the child likes, or grounding them, or isolating them like sending them to their room - but always with Love and kindness. Only such true Loving action yields good results. And it yields remarkable results. The child will eventually not test its limits, and ends up a happier, more loving being itself. This applies to relationships also. If you tolerate harmful or unpleasant behavior in a mate or a friend, either because of unconditional love or because your relationship is based on selfish motives, then you have a mess. And when you finally lose it, and get negative and angry, it will create even more of a mess. But if you Love Unselfishly, you may even be able to help someone overcome their problems, by both not tolerating bad behavior, and giving loving, positive direction at the same time. I Want to Know what Love is - I Need You to Show me Some parents may have tasted a bit of the joy of Unselfish Love, by anonymously giving to their children under the guise of gifts from Santa Claus. But even that taste was virtually nothing compared to the full experience of being totally Unselfishly Loving, and the mix of peace of mind, sadness, and bliss that accompany it. Nor does it give us a taste of what its like to be totally Unselfishly Loved. Most people have never experienced pure Unselfish Love, either giving it or receiving it. How would you describe colors to a person born blind, or born color blind? And how could you describe colors to someone else, if you were born blind yourself, and have never experienced color yourself? That would be even be more difficult. And Unselfish Love is something that you can give those who are blind because of selfishness, that will describe it to them - even more, it will show it to them, even though they have never experienced it themselves... It will always be a blessing for them, even though they may not know it, or know whats going on. It will be more powerful than your words, (even though it will be in harmony with
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both your words and your actions). Because the experience of being Unselfishly Loved involves feeling something from someone, something subtle possibly, but something that youve never felt before. It also involves an Inner spiritual kindling, a knowing, and actually seeing an example of the way someone lives and acts. Most people cant Love Unselfishly, until they experience being Loved Unselfishly first. You will be meeting people like that all the time. People who are ready to change. People who have prayed or desperately hoped for some kind of answers or guidance for their lives. Experiencing being Loved can spark the flame of Unselfish Love within the loved one (if they are open to change and to begin giving themselves). Unselfish Love can spread this way. Unselfish Love makes your life a Living Prayer/Meditation Only through love can we attain communion with God.- Albert Schweitzer. Of what good is any belief or growth method if it doesnt make life better, more kind, more beautiful? If your life doesnt radiate these things then your life is but that of a Sun that doesnt shine. The opportunity to grow, to give, and to Unselfishly Love is here every moment. It is the prayer you make with your life. It is the eternal meditation. The Phantom Attacks by Night In the years after I left the monastery, I traveled a great deal, working towards helping people reach towards mutual respect, compassion, and understand the universal spirituality we all have in common. During that time I visited monasteries, ashrams, etc., of many different religions and paths. One that I visited for a few weeks, had created a unique way for its members to experience Unselfish Love, via giving to other members. They called it The Phantom, and heres how it works: lets say someone makes a cake, or a coat, or whatever, to give to someone else in the community. Rather than giving it to them outright, or wrapped with a little card letting them know who the gift is from, they leave it sneakily, in the middle of the night, with a note saying it is from the Phantom. Their method insures the anonymity of the giver, thus, the only personal gain the giver gets, is the joy of doing something nice for someone else, the joy of giving, the joy of Unselfishly Loving. This insures that the giving is being done for the right reasons, unselfishly, and is thus not feeding the selfish-side. You might want to try some Phantom giving yourself its not only good for you, its fun. Unselfish Love and Abuse There are many people who have suffered abuse, or are still in abusive relationships right now. We want to make certain that the Golden Rule principle of unselfish love, doesnt get twisted, abused, and used as an excuse for abuse, or tolerating abuse. Living by the Golden Rule doesnt mean you should allow others to be abusive. People who have been abused, develop abuse syndrome. They tend to let the abuse done to them slide, be OK, and even blame themselves for it sometimes. So lets get that straight right away. If you are in an abusive situation, please go get professional help immediately - NOW. Sometimes friends and family dont help, but there are usually abuse shelters and programs in a city near you. If its physical, call the police. Unselfish love doesnt mean letting someone emotionally or physically harm you, because you are supposed to be loving towards them. As we mentioned earlier, unselfish love is conditional, and often requires different responses to different situations. It involves caring about others, and doing what is best for others, yes. But being an emotional or physical punching bag is not best for anyone. Allowing abuse is not being unselfishly loving, nor truly caring. Living by the Golden Rule doesnt preclude getting away from an emotionally abusive person or calling the authorities to deal with a physically abusive person. In fact, that would be the unselfishly loving thing to do in such a case. Sometimes people need a harsh wake up call to give them an opportunity to change. If you want to help the abuser get therapy, do so SECOND, only after you get help and treatment (otherwise you can get sucked back into the abusive situation again). Ironically, if you have been abused, applying the Golden Rule in your life may be the best hope for a cure. The field of psychology is split on this at the moment, and seems to be dividing into two opposing camps - one that believes that focusing on caring about others is a mental illness in and of itself, and another that believes focusing on caring about others is the best way to prevent or heal trauma. Obviously, we are sympathetic to the latter way of thinking. We believe that unselfishly loving others, is self-healing.
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The most solid comfort one can fall back upon is the thought that the business of ones life is to help in some way to reduce the sum of ignorance, degradation and misery on the face of this beautiful earth. - George Eliot
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A Few Examples of the Real Power of Thought (Positive or Negative) When scientists conduct studies, they arrange them to allow for something called the placebo effect. Thats because when someone believes something is real, their mind can affect their body in very real ways. Heres an example of a sort of negative placebo effect. When a patient is in surgery, and unconscious, what the surgeons say can affect them. If the surgeons express doubts about their unconscious patients ability to recover, or talk about how bad their condition is, it can adversely affect their recovery. Why? Because the patients subconscious mind hears the whole conversation, and accepts it as a belief. Conversely, positive thoughts, beliefs, and visualizations, can have striking healing benefits. There is a great deal of scientific evidence now about how positive visualization, and stress management can contribute greatly towards healing, and prevention of illness. There are Tibetan monks who sit in the snow, and have wet blankets wrapped around them (which quickly freeze). They measure their abilities based on how big a circle they can melt around themselves, and how many frozen blankets they can thaw. Biofeedback training also allows people to manipulate their body temperature, and blood flow. This is even done as a treatment for those who have severe migraine headaches. They learn to alleviate headaches by redirecting blood flow to their hands - just by thinking it so. I saw my first striking demonstration of how powerful the mind is, in college. Hypnotized students were touched on the hands with a cool object that they believed was a burning cigar. Burn blisters formed. Not everyone is such a good hypnotic subject, but everyone has the same power of mind. The power of belief is astounding, has many good uses, but does have its limits, and can even be misused. Some of the books listed in the ordering section can help if you want to learn more about the subject. Fear, Desires and Denial Denial isnt a River in Egypt Unfortunately, most people dont really understand the true powers of the mind, nor its limitations. They intuitively know there is something to it, then get ideas about it from friends, or books theyve read, or programs theyve been involved with. But as the old saying goes, A little knowledge can be dangerous.. A lack of thorough information and training about the mind, combined with a lack of unselfish love, can lead to some very skewed ways of perceiving reality and misunderstood ideas about the powers of thought. It is especially not a good combination with ego or self-centeredness. It opens the doors to taking the idea of the power of thought to an extreme, and using it as a means of selfish, self-centered denial. When that happens, the Golden Rule, and its offspring of compassion, all go out the window. So lets look at some of those misconceptions, and the realities, more closely. Fear as a Lightning Rod for Trouble One of the first common misunderstandings is about fear. What it is, what it does, and how to deal with it. Living by the Golden Rule involves caring about others, being concerned about others, and having compassion for others. That subsequently involves facing reality, facing the real problems that you and others have. And that subsequently involves facing your own fears. Facing fear instead of living in fear or denial, is the only way to do something positive and constructive about your problems, or the problems of others. Denying that problems exist, only allows them to continue, or grow. But there is a big difference between acknowledging, facing and dealing with problems, and mentally nurturing or developing them. The fact is, fear can attract what you are afraid of. There is also something to the old saying that animals can smell fear. And it applies to humans too. But people need to clearly understand the difference between irrational fear (and its related thoughts and feelings), and rational concern (and its related thoughts and feelings). The trouble is, many people who think they understand fear, the power of the mind, the power of positive and negative thought, really dont.
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When I was young, I experienced the negative effects of fear personally in many ways. I was a very sensitive child that was always picked on and beaten up. After getting good at martial arts, and losing my fear of getting beaten up, I never again had a problem, and never had to use the martial arts training. Ive also seen those who fought out of fear or hate, usually make many mistakes. A fearless, rational fighter may use emotional content rather than hate or anger, to enhance their ability. But still, even without the fear, if I were so extreme with the idea that I was in denial, and thought I couldnt get hurt, and placed myself in dangerous situations because of my delusion, I could have gotten seriously hurt. I also have a son who once had a terrible fear of dogs. And sure enough, they were always chasing and attacking him. As soon as he lost the fear, most dogs werent interested any longer. Afraid of being broke? A professional card dealer who once dealt cards in Las Vegas told me they had a saying that relates to that too - scared money loses. Theyve seen that people who are desperate to win, or really afraid of losing, almost always lose beyond the odds. It can actually be measured statistically. Fear as a wake up call Weve just covered how fear can actually help create problems. But certain aspects of it, used in a different way, can also help prevent problems. Positively using part of the source of fear as a mere guidance and alarm device, can be beneficial. People need warning mechanisms in life. Listening to your intuitive warning sensors can keep you from doing stupid things that can get you into trouble. You might have a bad feeling about going into the park for a good reason. Or feeling like you need to slow down your car on the upcoming curve that may be icy. Or using that payphone with those men hanging around it. There are countless incidences in which someone hasnt been harmed, because they listened to their warning mechanisms, whether intuition based, or fear source based. Ignoring real potential problems under the banner of not giving in to fear, or not creating anything bad is just plain unprovable wishful thinking. You can create a delusion of safety through positive thought that can get you and others hurt if you buy into it. You can say I wont give any energy to the negative thoughts of possibly being harmed, put a blindfold on, then drive the car across town in rush hour traffic. But youd almost certainly have an accident. That can be proven, and no one can prove that you can ignore traffic and get away with it, no matter how perfectly positive your thoughts are. Again, you need warning sensors to alert you to possible danger or problems, and you need to be aware of potential problems, and act on them, to keep you and others from harm. So how does that work with the idea that fear can attract problems and cause harm. It doesnt, BECAUSE WHAT WE HAVE JUST TALKED ABOUT ISNT FEAR. It is what the source of fear basically is. This is where so many people miss the boat and just dont get it. They dont really understand the difference between acknowledging a potential problem, and creating it with their mind. Theyve just jumped on the bandwagon that ANY thought which isnt Everything is perfect, nothing is wrong, nothing can go wrong., is fear based, and creating a problem. But mentally acknowledging a problem/threat, thinking about how to deal with it, and then taking action, isnt fear, and isnt the problem. Fear may be involved with that process for many people, and needs to be isolated. But its the selfish-selfs reaction to our warning mechanism that creates fear as we know it, and the associated problems. Fear associated problems can come from a couple of different ways of negatively dealing with fear. Selfish-selfs reaction type #1 is freaking out (to various degrees which can include aversion), with its associated obsession and negative thought projection. Well call this negative thinking. Selfish-selfs reaction type #2 is pretending nothing is wrong, or nothing can go wrong. Well call this denial thinking. Denial thinking is really the result of someone being SO very, very afraid, that they dont even want to face the possibility of the existence of what they fear. This type of thinking usually involves transferring their own fear to others - thinking its other people who are afraid, not them. They say others are fearful or projecting fear, if they even mention the harsh realities of life, and possible problems or threats. Well discuss denial thinking more later, because it is growing in popularity, and part of a big social problem. Obviously both types of selfish-self reactions cause their own types of problems (which well also discuss more later). But what about a Golden Rule way of reading the warning sensors? With the transcension of selfishness that can come with applying unselfish love in your life, fear can change to merely being rational concern and a means of alerting you to assess possible problems or threats, so you can act on them rationally to bring about the most positive conclusion. Developing unselfish love changes the way you think and deal with everything. Instead of self-centered reactions, you can have beyond your self reactions in which you have more awareness of the big picture, are more calm, and have more clarity of thought. To understand that a little better, you can use a car as analogy. You are the car in this analogy. Youve got warning lights and gauges on the dashboard of your car.
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Having self-centered reaction type 1 might be like looking at your gauges so much you get into an accident, or seeing the water temperature go into the boiling range, and freaking out as if you were getting burned. Such a reaction might include such irrationality as saying to yourself Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! while you continue driving until the car totally breaks down. Or you might crash because of the freaking out reaction (you could swerve, slam on the brakes, not see another car because your awareness is down, etc.). If you are coming from a thought process that is unselfishly based, you can positively observe the problems and take positive action. If the car is getting too hot, you can pull off and get water before there is serious damage. In fact, the more you know, the more you are prepared, the less trouble youre likely to have. But if you are coming from a thought process of self-centered reaction #2 (denial) and you ignore your warning lights, you are increasing your odds of a problem, rather than decreasing them. If you ignore the radiator boiling over, your engine will die, regardless of what you think. Can you imagine ignoring your gas gauge because you dont want to give energy to running out of gas? The Link between Compassion/Caring, Pain, and Fear Living by the Golden Rule means caring about others. Caring is a major source of positive change (examples forthcoming). But it hurts to care. Period. Having real compassion, also means being willing to feel the emotional pain that is part of REALLY caring. To my knowledge, there is no way to have an open heart, and care about others, without feeling the personal emotional pain that comes when you have real compassion for the pain, suffering and hardships of others. They are inseparably linked together. If you arent willing to experience some heartache in order to care, then you wont be willing to live by the Golden Rule. Fear, Pain, and Denial Thinking Having awareness of your self and the world around you, and having an open mind is very similar to having an open, but aching, heart. Having real courage, means being willing to feel the pain involved with your fears, face your fears, and deal with them positively. Some people are at least honest about being selfish and not caring about others. And honest about being afraid to face reality. But others have found ways to avoid facing themselves, their fear, or facing the pain and fear of world conditions. One of the most unfortunate ways, is by pretending to be spiritual and full of love and light. They have actually convinced themselves that their delusion is real, while really still being just plain old selfish and uncaring (in a nice love and light package). Lets compare Golden Rule behavior to pseudo-spiritual behavior. Lets say you live in the country, and you have a few neighbors who are also friends. Friend number one is a seemingly stern, down to earth farmer. But he gets the idea of the Golden Rule, and tries to live by it. Friend number two is someone who always seems to be such a sweetness and light person. This person has read many spiritual books, is into all kinds of spiritual things, goes to various kinds of spiritual seminars, etc., etc.. Friend number three considers himself a religious person. Youve all been friends and neighbors for years. One day, your house burns down. Your three friends all come over to see you. The non-spiritual Golden Rule oriented friend begins to organize help to rebuild your house, get you food, clothing, and offers to let you stay at his house in the mean time. Neighbor number two sighs, shakes his head, tells you how you must have attracted it to yourself with negative thought projections. Then he drives off leaving you and your burned house in the dust as they head off to attend a weekend of cosmic dance and sacred geometry building seminars. Friend number three expresses his concern and sympathy verbally, but does nothing to help. Which friend would you rather have? Which friend is really more spiritual? Which kind of friends do you want to cultivate and deserve? As in the example above, some people claim to believe that if you dont give energy to (think about) problems, you are preventing problems, or at least minimizing them. But like we said earlier, such denial thinking is often really the result of their extreme fear. But its also from selfishness. Theyre afraid to lose what they desire and what they are attached to. Sure, there is no doubt that negative thinking and fear can create or worsen problems, as I gave examples of above. But when that is misunderstood by someone who is not making unselfish love their priority, it is often used as an excuse for selfishness, and a way to avoid fear rather than facing the harsh realities of life with courage. Problems and threats should not be expected to go away by ignoring them like an ostrich hiding its head in a hole (thinking a predator wont see it or get it if it cant see the predator). Denying that there even is a problem, doesnt make it so there arent any problems, or make it so you dont create problems. If fact, if anything, it makes things worse and lets problems grow and spread. How Golden Rule thinking Creates Positive Change
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Weve already given some examples of the benefits of Golden Rule positive thinking over fear based negative or denial thinking. But this is such an important concept that I thought I should give more examples that can provide you with deeper and fuller understanding. I had cancer once. I got it because of accidental extreme radiation exposure. I know some denial thinkers out there are thinking to themselves that their thoughts could prevent getting cancer in such circumstances. All I can do is repeat myself, and say you misunderstand the power of thought. I would ask you to get real about it and try to come up with ANY legitimate proof to support your belief - there just isnt any. Again, you have to understand the true abilities and limits of the mind and thinking. I know better than most what those are. I have also known of many people who have recovered from cancer while using positive imagery. But you need to separate reality from fantasy, and know the limits and true uses of positive thinking if you really want to improve your life and those of others. Back to my cancer story - I was given 6 weeks to live (This, by the way, is a bad thing for a doctor to do - a truly negative thought projection. That statement could have contributed to an early death had I accepted it in any way, even subconsciously. Had I not understood the powers of the mind, or not had control over my own mind, it probably would have). I was barely alive, but before I could start my road to recovery, I had to first recognize and acknowledge the fact that I was dying and wasting away - if I hadnt, I would have just died one day by surprise. After recognizing the problem, I had to define the problem (that it was cancer, and what type of cancer), then I came up with a constructive plan for healing. I used many types of physical and spiritual therapies in combination. The first step towards finding a solution to any problem, is to identify and clearly define the problem. Then you can find an answer, a solution, a healing. Thus if a person wants to improve their life, the lives of others, and the world, they must first be aware of any problems or potential problems that exist. After that, they need to respond with constructive thoughts and actions. What comes out in the wash? Comparing Brand A, with Brand X Just look at the results of following both ways of thinking and dealing with life (Golden Rule vs. denial thinking). There is quantitative proof of the benefits of living by the Golden Rule, and the fallacy of living by denial thinking. All it takes is looking at the facts with an open, objective mind, and the truth is crystal clear. No one can give facts proving that apathy or denial ever helped anyone or anything. On the other hand, we can point to thousands of provable instances where positively recognizing and facing the reality of a problem, then dealing with it accordingly, helped make things better. I already gave you a few. Some denial thinkers point to pseudo-evidence of how denial thinking works. Theyll point to things like leaving their doors unlocked, and not having their car stolen or house burglarized, as evidence of how not giving such things negative energy work. But consider the facts objectively. Check the statistics. Most people are concerned about crooks, and do lock their doors, and yet they still dont get burglarized. Your house may never be targeted for burglary, and if its not, no crook will even try the doorknob to see if its unlocked. You could go your whole life with no problem, or you could end up one of the burglary statistics - locked or not, concerned about theft or not. So thats not evidence of denial thinking being beneficial, or working in the least. And if it really worked, why not drive through red lights and not give energy to getting a ticket, or having an accident? We can give you proof of the benefits of facing reality (including not driving through red lights). To start with, there are many instances of how someones burglar alarm frightened off burglars. In the same instance of a targeted house, the denial thinker without an alarm would have had an intruder (they probably would have denied being robbed though, so as not to look foolish). Car theft statistics are similar. You may never have your car stolen, locked or not, car keys left in it or not. But in fact, statistically, you increase the odds of having your car stolen, if you leave your keys in the car, unconcerned that someone will steal it. And fewer cars (car for car) with alarm systems are stolen, than those without. Thats why some insurance companies give discounts for people who have house, business, and auto alarm systems. Its their business to know those facts. So statistically, the evidence in these areas prove that denial thinking doesnt work, and giving energy to/being realistically concerned about problems and potential threats, actually pays off when you take constructive positive action. And there are far more areas of example. Denial thinking is also often taken to the extreme regarding health issues. They say you wont get sick if you dont think you will, or believe you will. This is sometimes really taken to the point of not seeking medical treatment for very serious problems (neither alternative nor traditional medical treatment). But all bodies age, get ill sometimes, and eventually die. There is not a shred of factual evidence or truth to the contrary. In fact, all things in nature, and the entire universe go through cycles, age, and die. Its all just
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part of the continuation of life. Its natural. It actually has a purpose to it. If you believe otherwise, youre just in denial because youre afraid of aging and dying. Ironically, many of the people who practice denial thinking are also involved with alternative healing methods. Why be involved in healing therapies, if acknowledging the need for it is actually giving energy to an illness, or only reinforcing negative thought by even acknowledging an illness (you cant have healing without something to heal). The fact is, in order to heal something, you first must acknowledge that there is a health problem, then you have to define and diagnose it, and only then can you work on a cure. Please Lord, Wont you Buy me a Mercedes-Benz Heres an amusing example of misunderstanding the powers of thought projection and prayer. I once stopped to help some women broken down on a highway. They were chanting. I asked if I could call someone for them, drop them at the next exit, or send someone from a garage back to help them. They said something to the effect of, No. Were chanting for help, and it should come soon. - that was denial thinking at one of its wackiest moments. Negative Projecting Babies Under My Sink! If you really agreed with the premise of denial thinking, it would be ok to leave poisonous items accessible to an unsupervised baby. If their claim about only getting sick if you believe you can, are, or have projected it were true, it would be ok. If their claim that nothing bad will happen if you dont think it, or think it can, thereby giving energy to it, it would also be ok. If any of that were true, then a baby could get under the kitchen sink without your knowledge, eat some poison, and not get sick, right? After all, the baby doesnt have any pre-conceived negative ideas or negative thoughts about it. And if you dont find the baby doing that, and dont put your own negative thoughts onto it, it should be fine, right? Wrong. The fact is, if baby eats poison, baby gets sick, whether it knows it or not, or you know it or not. And a baby couldnt be attracting it to itself because it has no pre-knowledge of such things. Please dont get me wrong, I am actually a proponent of just how amazingly powerful the mind is, and how much it can help heal, and keep you healthy. It just must be kept in perspective, and reality, and not be used as an excuse for being selfish, uncaring, and supporting denial. Even the greatest powers of the mind, all have their limitations here on the planet Earth. When you return to a spiritual state of being rather than a physical body - then its a different story. But were talking about the physical world, living in physical bodies, and how to make that be the best it can be - for real. Public Awareness with Positive Golden Rule Thinking Tell me how much you know of the sufferings of your fellow men and I will tell how much you have loved them.- Helmut Thielickes Below are a few other related examples of positive Golden Rule thinking, some on a grander scale than what weve been talking about so far. Remember the whale used for the movie Free Willy? If everyone had the attitude of I stay away from bad news, they would have remained unconcerned and in denial of the whales dilemma, and nothing would have ever been done about it. But thanks to people who do care, who are willing to hear about bad things happening in the world, the whale was saved. Even people who normally wouldve ignored news about it, may have gotten exposed to the information, and been moved to feel and do something. Through the movie, awareness of the problem was brought to peoples minds, and concern to their hearts. People felt hurt, felt pain for that whale. A sentiment was created which led to a movement to set the whale free. And eventually that freedom came to pass. If people took the denial thinking approach, the whale would still be captive, living in a swimming pool. Dolphins are another example. If no one was aware of or gave energy to the predicament of dolphins, or if no one cared about them, they would be in a far worse situation than they are now. Its still bad, but at least there are more free dolphin encounters and less captive slave dolphin situations. And efforts to save dolphins from the killing that takes place during certain types of tuna fishing, are paying off to an extent. Now you can buy dolphin safe tuna. On the human front, while the world has very serious problems, people still come to the aid of others in need all around the world - IF they are aware of their plight. Help will never come if everyone is in denial and refusing to recognize the problems. But even with the awareness, help cant come, if people dont feel for others. Hardcore denial thinkers dont want to be aware of problems, or feel anything about it. They just want to ignore bad things, ignore information about the negative problems of others in the world, and just think nice thoughts of everything is just dandy. Some denial thinkers rationalize it by saying people
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are in their bad situations because they are choosing to suffer to learn something. Even so, if they are suffering, they are suffering, and how can you not feel for them if you are a caring person? And they may really need someone who cares and feels compassionate pain about their dilemma. Feeling pain over others suffering has a real and positive purpose. In all the examples I gave of people coming to the aid of others, or creatures (like whales), feeling some of their pain through compassion was a component. All that real life improvement didnt happen through ignoring a problem and not giving it energy. Just the opposite. But even awareness, concern and caring without feeling pain, can still create positive changes. Take Organic food for instance. Whether you think it matters or not, I dont think anyone is against organic food. And if nothing else, it does seem to be a more renewable nature-friendly form of farming. Cost seems to be the only real objection. But look at how things developed with it. First, public awareness of possible health risks and soil erosion were brought to the publics attention. Then there was concern, then there was action - now organic food is widely sold even in supermarket chains. Food health risks are another example. If there is an outbreak of salmonella in eggs or e-coli in meat, is it better to not hear about it, ignore it, not give it energy? Why? People wont get sick then? You wont get sick??? Prove it. You cant. But it has been proven that if people are made aware of a health risk, they can avoid it. And if they have been contaminated, the sooner they know about it, action can be taken. Use of the mind, certain supplements, and scientifically proven laying on of hands techniques can be used to improve the health of someone thusly contaminated. But the sooner we know about the contamination, the better the chances of recovery, and the milder the symptoms - because you can start taking action sooner. Remain unaware, or deliberately ignorant, and the results are far worse. Thats a fact. We could go on and on with examples of how recognizing and feeling for the hurt and problems of others is the only way to make things better. But were running out of time and paper. In all the above incidences, the concern of many people as a whole (in other words, all of us who recognized the problems, felt compassion for others, felt hurt about it, and cared about it), contributed towards effecting a positive change. What a wonderful thing. Even though we may not have all personally, directly, done anything for the whale, the dolphins, the flood victims, the food, whatever - our caring created a force, and support for all those involved in the changes. Those who didnt want to hear the news about it., and didnt want to give the negative any energy, not only didnt help, but they were part of the problem in the first place, and keep contributing towards the continuation of such problems. Using Golden Rule Positive Thinking. So how can we use our thoughts best? I already gave some good examples above. But as an overview, if your goal is to live by the Golden Rule (be unselfishly loving towards others) use your positive thoughts, energy and actions to become that. Your thoughts build who and what you are, and your entire life. Please take that very seriously. Its not just a concept or cute phrase, it is very real. Everything about your life, your lifestyle, your work, your house, your family, etc., all came about after first being nothing but a thought. Then a succession of many thoughts, with a certain direction of thinking, brought them about as realities in your life. The consistency of such thoughts is a vital key to consciously changing your life. You can use your thoughts to decide what you want; to think about solutions and improvements; to discipline your mind; to create prayers/affirmations to help change consciously and subconsciously; and to care about and help others. You can also use them in group work to help others help you change to become unselfishly loving. Help others help you change? Well talk about it more later, but yes, YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOU. One more thing while were on this subject of using your thoughts. A very, very important thing. We should always try to insure that our efforts for helping others, will be properly directed. I believe that what we wish for should succeed or fail according to the needs of the Universal Spirit/God, not our own desires or what we think is best. If you are Christian, you might know the story of Jesus in the Garden. The night before being arrested, he prayed to not have to go through the torture and crucifixion he was facing. He prayed, take this cup from me, but even in His anguish, He still had the wisdom to finish with, But Your will be done, not mine.. He knew the vital importance of this. If you want to take it as seriously, the best insurance is always use this (or a similar) prayer/affirmation, But Gods Will Be Donenot mine. Say or think that, sincerely, whenever you hope, pray, wish for something, or try to help another. We need such safeguards because we cant fully understand the ramifications of everything from our limited points of view. For instance, what if you were a person who saved a mass murderer from being hit by a car when he was a child. Then they went on to start a war and killed millions of innocent people. Good, or bad? It gets very complicated when you think about all the possible ramifications of our actions.
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But one of the aspects of becoming unselfishly loving, is that your guidance and actions will come more and more from the Universal Spirit, via your spiritual-side self rather than your selfish-side self. If you still dont understand why you should use insurance affirmations, refer to the story of the Monkeys Paw. It shows how things can go terribly wrong when you get what you ask for, even when you have the best intentions.
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Part Two Tools and Tips for Applying the Golden Rule
Journals Youll want to keep two journals, one to record your dreams, and another to record your daily activities, like a diary. Both journals will help you apply the Golden Rule in your life. Making and using a Dream Journal During sleep, dreams can tell us many things. Sometimes they mean nothing, but they often reflect issues that are ongoing in our lives, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Dreams can also be used for problem solving, and playing out optional decisions. The trick is to learn to take advantage of this state, and the information it provides. Many dreams are a preview of experiences to be dealt with, or of presently existing circumstances that should be seen as lessons and a means of growth. These dreams are important, and should be dealt with accordingly. However, not all dreams are of that type. Physical illness or disturbances, or mental disturbances in either the conscious or sub-conscious realms, can affect or even create and dominate dream experiences. These are the only dreams that should be ignored. Unfortunately, many people are not aware of their dream experiences. And even if they were, they wouldnt know where to begin to interpret them. Thus the great benefits from dreams are lost. We can turn this around however, and use our dreams to help us. How? Getting full benefits from dreams can be facilitated in several ways:
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1- Extending the waking consciousness into the dream. This is accomplished through becoming aware that you are active and functional in a dream while dreaming. You may use a key symbol to trigger recognition of awareness within a dream. For example, if you can remember to look at your hands in a dream, it can trigger conscious dreaming. A light could also be used as a trigger symbol. Being in a conscious dream state allows you to control the dream. This allows you to create simulated reality situations in which you can work through problems, try various solutions, and develop and create most anything you can think of. Just think of the possibilities! If youre really having trouble getting the hang of conscious dreaming, and you can afford the technology, in the back of the book youll find a special hi-tech sleep mask that actually senses when you start dreaming, and then briefly flashes a light to key you into a conscious (lucid) dream state. Pretty nifty. 2- Extending a dream into waking consciousness. This method (which also aids in the development of the first method) is done by recording your dreams every morning. Keep a pen and notebook near your bed, and as soon as you begin to leave your dream state and enter the waking state, write down whatever you can remember of the dream, even if it is only a fragment, a word, or a feeling. Dont wait until youre awake - do it when you first notice you are leaving the dream state. The more you do this, the easier it will become to remember your dreams, and remember them fully. Before you know it you will be filling pages at a time. If you think you dont dream, think again. Everyone dreams. Some people just dont remember it. If you have that problem, or any difficulty remembering your dreams, it could be from shifting from the dream state to the waking state too quickly. Try to linger in sleep, rather than rapidly becoming conscious and active. A jarring alarm or other way of waking up, can be the problem sometimes. There is a special clock that uses a single mild chime to initially rouse the sleeper, and allows for the gradual transition from dream to being awake. Dont worry, it wont let you miss work - if you dont respond to the chime, it does it again, and over time, eventually it will do it every few seconds if you havent turned it off. Such clocks are wonderful and powerful tools for growth via dreamwork. See the back of the book for sources of where to get non-jarring dream-friendly alarm clocks that can help you remember your dreams, or linger in a lucid state. 3- Daily reviewing of your dreams. The old testament has a story about Joseph, and how his remarkable ability to interpret dreams, saved his family and people. But few people have the capability to accurately and fully interpret the dreams of others. One reason is because dream symbology varies among individuals. People need to discover their own symbology, and interpret their own dreams. The best way to understand the meaning of your dreams is to take in the whole picture intuitively. Dont rack your mind trying to figure out details and such. The meaning of your dreams will become more clear to you as you study them. With time, experience, and openness, what you need to know will be revealed to you. 4- The following affirmation aids all the previously mentioned methods; I remember my dreams and am conscious of them while dreaming. This can be used by repeating it silently to yourself as you are going to sleep. Remember to keep in mind all the different causes that can manifest in a dream so you wont be trying to read-in something profound when it is nothing but an upset stomach predominating the experience! Making and Using a Personal Journal Every night, write down what your days activities were (if you havent already been doing it throughout the day. After youre done, close your eyes, go back and review the experiences you had during the day. Do you find any negative experiences? Did you apply the Golden Rule? Did you become negative, upset, about something? Make any mistakes? Were you unselfishly loving? Go back again to the beginning of the day and re-experience it with your imagination, but this time change it around. Visualize negative experiences as occurring positively. See things you negatively reacted to as lessons, and visualize yourself reacting in a positive, constructive, unselfishly loving manner instead. Where you made mistakes, visualize yourself making the proper decisions. Follow your new positive experiences and decisions through to their imaginary positive results. Doing this exercise will help you break out of negative patterns and create new positive patterns. After a month has passed, begin comparing your past activities and experiences with your current ones. Get out the paper you wrote your ideal on (covered later) and compare it with these to see how you
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are doing with living up to your ideal. Also look at your dream journal, and see if there is any relationship to your past dreams, and your present life.
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Chapter Nine Wanting & Taking Criticism The Golden Key to Applying the Golden Rule
While the Golden Rule is the Big Key to all of Lifes Problems, wanting criticism, and how you take criticism, are the Big Keys to personal growth and applying the Golden Rule in your life. The amount of progress you make, is in direct proportion to your amount of humility, and your desire to use criticism to improve yourself. Defensiveness Everyone is familiar with a person getting defensive when something is brought up to them that they dont want to deal with. Its usually something that threatens the selfish-side self, relating to a desire or fear. Bringing up any issue that creates pressure to release either a block (fear side), or an addiction (desire side), usually results in defensiveness. The most common trigger for defensiveness, is criticism. Defensiveness is a deeply ingrained automatic reaction within everyone, yes, even you. Why? If you want to understand it better, start by asking yourself what is actually being defended? Whats really being defended is sometimes called ego. But essentially, its the selfish-side self. And its protecting (defending) its turf and control. It isnt so obvious though, because usually, side-issues are being defended. But nonetheless, those side issues tie directly into the entire selfish-side self. The issues represent the selfishside. If you understand that, and if you are wanting to grow and apply the Golden Rule in your life, then what is there to defend really? If selfishness and ego are your enemy, do you want to defend the very thing you are working against? Obviously not. But again, this is a DEEPLY INGRAINED AUTOMATIC REACTION, and it takes constant vigilance and very hard work to counteract that. When you have mastered control over this reaction, you will be able to take advantage of tremendous opportunities for growth. How can we change this reaction? There are several ways. First, the opposite of being defensive, is being humble, honest and receptive to input involving your ego or selfish-side self. When you are sincerely desirous of learning about your flaws and changing, you will want the criticism of others to help you change. And it shouldnt matter to you whether that criticism is given in the spirit of being helpful, or spiteful. If you have the right attitude, all criticism can be constructive criticism. It theres truth in someones criticism, you can use it, if there isnt, you can toss it. If you want to grow, if you really want to apply the Golden Rule in your life, you will be receptive to all criticism. In fact, you will be more than receptive, you will be thirsty for it. That thirst is a must. That humility is a boon. A person with a lot of humility learns and grows many times faster than a person with little humility. And if you completely lack humility, you arent going anywhere, or should I say, you are growing nowhere. Even if you are thirsty for critical input, it can still be challenging when it actually occurs. As you read this, you may be thinking, Yes, that sounds great, I do want to change and Im open to input and criticism. Thats a good start. But then you need to get down to work, and remember your desire to change when you begin to hear things that you dont like hearing about yourself, things that are less than flattering to say the least. I.e., things that bug your ego. If that happens, you arent likely to feel peaceful and happy. It will happen. Plan on it, and be ready for it. With love and humility (that burning desire to face your flaws and change), you can deal with it. The important part is how you handle it when it does occur. When youre hearing something that you dont want to deal with, or your self instantly throws up, Nuh Uh, thats not true!, or some other defensive response, heres what you can do. Stop yourself, take a breath and call to mind your ideal/goal (covered later). This is really important, because it is your dedication to your ideal that will help motivate you to rise up above that automatic defensive response. Then read your Personal Declaration section, and ask yourself, What do I really want?, What am I doing here? Hopefully, your answer is, I want to see all of my flaws and the truth so I can grow as a person. Then, examine the criticism/input you are receiving in an objective, detached way. And with a priority desire for the truth, examine what they are telling you. Be truthful. Be honest. Its OK - you can face it and change it. Acknowledging a flaw/mistake doesnt doom you or damn you. Its the first step in transcending it.
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Sometimes it helps to imagine that they are bringing it up to some other person and you are just an observer. Looking at it as just an uninvolved third party observer, is there truth to what is being said? If you know there is truth to it, acknowledge it. Then think about what the opposite trait would be. If someone is saying you are driving recklessly (and its true, or maybe only true that you are not driving as carefully as you should), then the opposite trait would be driving carefully. So to change that and strengthen the positive, do the following: 1 - Change the way you are driving immediately. 2 - Thank the person who brought it up to you. Theyve done you a favor. 3 - Apologize if appropriate. 4 - Say an affirmation (see other chapter) like, I always drive carefully. Also, take a moment as you visualize yourself having the positive trait involved, and feel grateful for the opportunity for growth. Unfortunately, its a rare thing for someone to really be grateful when someone criticizes them or points a flaw out. But it really is a blessing in disguise, so - feel blessed! To be forewarned is to be forearmed, so being aware of some standard defensive scripts that the selfish-side uses, can be very helpful. Here are some of the top rated oldies that Ive heard down through the years: 1 - Youre just being negative, and thats the real reason why youre saying this about me. 2 - Well, you do that too, so you dont have the right to say anything to me about it. 3 - Youre making a big deal out of nothing. 4 - Why do you always have to nit-pick? If you hear any of these running through your mind, or any variations on them, take a step back and really look for the truth. Also notice how you are feeling. Are you feeling uptight? Or angry? Are you unhappy? If you are feeling disharmonious emotions, you have a problem regardless of the validity of what is being brought up to you. The person who is speaking to you may actually be feeling negative, or making a big deal out of something, or doing the very thing they are confronting you with, but still, the PRIMARY AND PRIORITY issue at hand is- is there something you can learn from what they are saying to you about yourself? Focusing on the problems of the other person is a standard selfish-side maneuver to avoid addressing whats being said about you. Its about you first of all. You are the person you are responsible for changing - no one else. YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOU. Never let yourself avoid dealing with something by turning the tables on your critic (that can be dealt with later). Save yourself and your friend the hassle of going through all that and just be humble enough to look for and recognize the truth, whatever it may be. It just isnt a valid argument to say, Youre not perfect yourself, so I dont want to hear any criticism from you.. If a drunk warns you about the dangers of drinking too much, is his advice bad because hes sick and addicted to alcohol himself, or is his advice still good advice? So start by dealing with your self. Then, after having dealt with your issue positively, if there is a problem with the other person, you can help them with that. But only after you have honestly dealt with your own issue. Note how I said help them with it. Too often, it is seen as busting someone, getting on their case, getting back at them, etc. But if you love them, and want to help them grow, and you have an agreement to point things out, then you are helping them on their road to oneness. That is the spirit that you should always say things with. He has the right to criticize, who has the heart to help.- Abe Lincoln In your Personal Declarations section, youll find several more declarations in large letters. On page 70, youll find, I WANT MY EGO BUSTED AND I WANT CRITICISM. On page 69 youll find, WHAT AM I DOING HERE? And on page 68, youll find, I WANT TO SEE ALL MY FLAWS AND THE TRUTH SO I CAN GROW AS A PERSON. Go to those pages now, and if you understand and agree with them, sign at the bottom. Then if you want to put it on a wall, write the same statement in very large letters on one of the blank pieces of paper you got out earlier.
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people, getting them to open up and communicate with you, and getting your meaning, intent and message across. MATCHING STYLES Are the words you are using the best choice for the person that you are speaking to? If you watch for it, youll notice that each person has their own style of speaking. Mannerisms, intensity, brashness, and more, all vary between people and local cultures. Even vocabularies and slang vary. For instance, having a waiter say sit down in an abrupt manner and tone, might be considered rude compared to someone nicely saying please have a seat. And it might be rude or insulting depending on the situation. But if you were dealing with person whos cultural norm is to speak that way, its not rude. In fact, if you were nicer than their cultural norm, it could lead them to distrust you, or in some situations, to consider you weak and someone to be taken advantage of. So one good skill to develop is being able to speak with the style and feeling or type of language of the person you want to communicate with. The more similarly you can structure your thoughts and words to their style, the better the odds are that they will get the meaning of your message correctly, and youll get theirs. Be aware of whether or not the other person actually understood what you meant to say. There are many verbal AND non-verbal signals that tell you what someone means to say, and that give clues as to whether or not the other person gets what you are saying. Just get out of your self and pay attention - youll see the signs. If your attention is more on yourself, youll miss them. SUMMARY OF IMPORTANT POINTS ON EXPRESSION 1. Dont let things build up before you say something. 2. Be crystal clear and accurate about what you are saying. 3. Communicate with Love. 4. Shape your style of language to your audience. 5. Focus on the other person and whether or not they understood you. Aspects of the Receptive Side of Communicating HEARING BUT NOT LISTENING On the other side of the coin, most of us were never trained to really listen. In fact, school training often creates a syndrome in which we glaze over and block out things that are being said (again, to various degrees). This is the result of both boring presentations, and attempts at being forced to learn. The problem is further worsened by selfishness/self-centeredness. We dont pay much attention to others when our attention is focused on our selves. In fact, because of our self-oriented focus, it has never even occurred to most of us that we lack the ability to listen, comprehend, and absorb what someone else has to say. Its not considered as important as telling other people what you want them to hear. Youve probably heard of sales courses, speaking courses, assertiveness courses, etc., but how often to you hear of classes on being a better listener? The problem reminds me of the story about a man whos girlfriend tells him she is leaving him because he doesnt listen to her. When another friend asked about why she left, the man says, Im not sure, something about not listening, but I wasnt really paying attention.... The fact is, many of us dont really care what someone else has to say. Which is where the Golden Rule comes in - if we care, that can all change. PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT IS BEING SAID, INSTEAD OF WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY If you want to really listen, watch out for paying too much attention to your own reactions and desires. Many people dont hear because they are too busy thinking about what they want to say next. Like the old saying goes, Stop. Look. Listen. BECOME A FAIR WITNESS OBSERVER You can learn much by becoming an observer - always paying attention to how others communicate. Listen for the feeling and both the surface meaning and the deeper meanings of what people are saying. You can learn a lot about communicating by doing this. STILL THE MIND Meditating can help make you a better listener. As you meditate, your ability to still your mind is enhanced, which helps you listen because the chatter of your own mind is reduced. Who can really hear whats going on out there when theres such a deafening din going on in your own mind? It reminds me of the old saying that we are created with two eyes, two ears and just one mouth. Thats a four to one ratio. Maybe someone was trying to tell us something! REALLY CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY
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Caring about what someone has to say makes you a better listener, and makes others more receptive to you. It also makes you more interesting to them. They will feel your genuine interest in what they think and feel (which sadly, is rare) and they in turn will be more likely to be open hearted with you too, and listen to what you have to say.
SUMMARY OF IMPORTANT ASPECTS OF LISTENING. 1. Pay attention to what is being said, not what you want to say. 2. Be sensitive to the feelings behind the words you are hearing. 3. Still your mind as you listen. 4. Really care about what they are feeling and thinking. RULES OF ENGAGEMENT Communication is obviously also vital in spousal relationships, but well cover that in the section about applying the Golden Rule in family/spousal relationships. In your Personal Declarations section, on page 66, youll find another declaration in large letters. COMMUNICATE! ARE YOU CLEARLY EXPRESSING YOURSELF? ARE YOU REALLY LISTENING? Go to that page now, and if you understand it and agree with it, sign it at the bottom. Then if you want to put it on a wall, write the same statement in very large letters on one of the blank pieces of paper you got out earlier.
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The above allegory demonstrates in a small way, how having a point of view that is as broad as possible allows us to better perceive reality, and to see more truth. A broad point of view can help us better understand others, better understand the world, and ultimately the entire Universe around us. If our point of view is broad enough, it lets us better understand other points of view - then we can more easily communicate or interact with others, and they can more easily communicate with us. For instance, the point of view of each individual reading any book, is going to be different, thus they will perceive it many different ways, thus it will be perceived differently than it really is, and differently than it was intended to be perceived. The broader the readers point of view, the more they will perceive what is really written (within limits). Practicing the Golden Rule, and developing unselfish love will expand your point of view. But it also works the other way around. The more you develop a broad point of view, the more youll be applying the Golden Rule. And the more open you are to understanding someone elses point of view, the more youre going to be bridging the gaps that separate us. In your Personal Declarations section, on page 65, youll find another declaration in large letters. I WANT TO SEE THE POINT OF VIEW OF OTHERS. I WANT TO SEE THE BIG PICTURE. Go to that page now, and if you understand it and agree with it, sign it at the bottom. Then if you want to put it on a wall, write the same statement in very large letters on one of the blank pieces of paper you got out earlier.
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Chapter Thirteen Selfish Addictions Deciding what You Want Commitment and Determination
The simplest and shortest ethical precept is to be served by others as little as possible, and to serve others as much as possible.- Leo Tolstoy The Worst Addiction Problem in the World Many substance abusers are trying to avoid aspects of their life that they find unpleasant. It can just be a diversion away from being miserable, bored or that emptiness inside that comes from living a fruitless selfish life, rather than a fruitful giving one. Also, people have often turned to drinking or other drugs, after losing someone in their life, losing a job, a business, etc.. But there is a root addiction behind all of that which is far worse than you can imagine - and everyone has it. Earlier we mentioned how selfishness is the real source of all negative traits, such as greed. Selfishness is also the real source and cause of all addictions. But Im not just talking about the addictions that usually come to mind when you use the word - like drugs, gambling, sex, etc.. What Addictions? What is the selfish-side of yourself addicted to? Many things. It varies from person to person, but it often includes getting attention, pleasure, possessions (including people), certain diversions and fun that it likes, cars, homes, money, etc.. But those are all just branches again, branches of getting its way (which amounts to getting its drug fix). It basically wants everything it wants, and it wants everything its way. Its addicted to THAT. You can define it further of course. It is specifically addicted not only to things you desire and want to possess, but it involves the flip side of that (those things you fear, dont want to face, dont want to let go of, or deal with). Everything you want, or want to avoid, are all aspects of the same selfish-side addiction. Whatever the selfish-side wants, it wants, whatever it doesnt want, it doesnt want. You should always keep in mind that there is a primary purpose behind all of the selfish-side selfs addictions - staying in control of you, and maintaining the illusion of being a separate entity. So to the selfish self, maintaining its addictions means nothing less than staying alive, even though it is just an insane confused illusion. But to it, it is fighting for its life, and if you are trying to put your spiritual-side self in control, you need to be aware of how serious a battle this is. Realizing that Your selfish-side self is an Addict Are you ready for the staggering truth? Selfishness is, in and of itself, the biggest single addiction in the world. And as shocking as it may be, everyone has that addiction, including you. Anytime you get the least bit unhappy, irritated, negative, etc., just because you dont get what you want or you must face/do something you dont want to deal with, it is the result of that selfishness addiction. And this addiction isnt just an escape into a drug stupor. Selfish-side addiction can cause anything from the destruction of a relationship, to a war! Its easiest to observe the manifestations of selfish addiction in children, because they are less complex and not yet sophisticated in the ways of cloaking their addiction. How many times have you seen a child get upset because of not getting what they want, or having to do something they dont want to do. Have you ever seen them get so angry over this, that they will deliberately break a toy, ruin a good time, or try to hurt someone else in some way? This doesnt go away with maturity, it merely gets more complicated and disguised with a myriad of games - and the actions get far more serious. Let it Be? Why not just pacify the selfish-side? Let it be an addict? Why not let it continue to have what it wants, and avoid what it doesnt want to deal with? There are a number of reasons not to do that, and reasons why it doesnt work. Have you ever seen the results of pacifying the negative behavior of a child. It reinforces the bad behavior, makes it worse, and it comes back with a vengeance. Selfish-side addiction is never satisfied. It will never be happy just giving it what it wants. It always wants more. Again, if youve had children, you can see it easily in their behavior. So you will never be happy as long as it is in control of your life.
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Next, selfishness is the source of negativity. Its anti Golden Rule. For instance, when things dont go the way someone wants them to, and they get upset and negative what happens? Unselfish love flies out the window, and negative selfish traits fly in. They start behaving in ways that are unkind, unloving, and can be mean, greedy, harmful, etc.. They end up miserable, and those they deal with are hurt too. Not a good bargain as I see it. To give another subtle example of this sort of thing, imagine that someone is tapping a pencil on a table. You find it annoying. Inside, you get perturbed, and that negative emotion replaces feelings of caring for or about that person. Put it into perspective - what is the most important issue in that scenario, that the person is doing something annoying, or that you are losing your unselfish love to some degree? That is an example of a subtle, minor incident, which there are many of. But there are bigger ones too. Like your son denting your car. Or a robbery. Or... But if you think about it all the way through, is there any reason good enough to stop unselfishly loving? Not in our opinion. Why? In all circumstances, regardless of how atrocious something is, losing your unselfish love only makes things worse. It never makes it better. Whereas, maintaining your unselfish love at least affords opportunities for things to go better. You can still take disciplinary action and be unselfishly loving. But if you take action while feeling or thinking negatively, it will have some measure of destructive consequences. Working on living by the Golden Rule requires taking up that challenge of breaking the selfishness addiction. A person cant be unselfishly loving, and selfish at the same time. Therapy - Treating Yourself for Selfish Addictions I dont know how many of you are familiar with that old childrens story of The Little Train that Could, but its a great example of determination and commitment. The train would say I think I can I think I can as it labored up an incredibly difficult hill. And it finally made it. The point is, YOUCAN CHANGE yourself. All it primarily takes is REALLY WANTING to. Most people dont really get that, (even though they may think they do). Once you decide what it is you want in life, and how you want to be, you can start taking the measures to change yourself, step-by-step - and no one can stop you but you. And therein lies the first key, DECIDING. DECIDING WHAT YOU REALLY WANT. Deciding What You Really Want Start by thinking about and defining what kind of world you want to live in. Then think about how you want to be. Those two things are inseparable. How you are, will eventually determine the kind of world you live in. Once you ponder all that, you must make a firm decision, and commitment to making it happen, or youll just be living like a jellyfish in the tides. Behaving like a Recovering Addict Recovering drug addicts, and other kinds of addicts, understand how valuable deciding what they really want to be like is, and how it can determine what kind of personal world they end up living in. They also know the value of determination and commitment. It can be very hard to break free from an addiction. But those who are on the wagon have learned that first wanting to break the addiction, then making an absolute decision to do it, and then having absolute determination and commitment to change, are the big keys in accomplishing a change. In fact, how hard it is to break the addiction, is tied to the real desire and wanting to change. Ive seen many people try to quit smoking, who didnt really want to. They usually fail. But people who really decide inside themselves, that they want to quit, usually quit. Seeing the Selfish-Side Self as an Addict Seeing the selfish-side of your self as an addict, can actually help you deal with it. Just treat your own selfish self like it was a drug addict. You can even learn things about this from various 12 step programs. You first have to see and admit that you have a problem. Then you have to want to break the addiction and change, and really decide to change. Next, define the problem, and come up with a strategy to take control and beat it. The strategy can include being open and honest with others about your problem, getting a support group, and asking for help if you feel yourself slipping. But you must above all, make an absolute commitment to change, that you are determined not to break. Make a Workbook List of Your Addiction Issues So our next workbook task is to make a list of our selfish-side addict desire & fear issues. Youll find the forms for this on pages 63 & 64. After reading this paragraph, you can fill them out right away. Really give it some thought though. What kinds of things impede you from living by the Golden Rule all the time? What kinds of things can cause you to lose your feelings of compassion, caring, giving, sharing - in other words, what can negatively impact your unselfish love? Not everything does. You can have money, attachments, etc., and not have it affect your love. But what if they do? You can also do things you dont like to do, and not have it affect your love. But what if they do? If losing anything, or having to deal with 36
anything, does cause you to lose your love, you have an addiction problem that negatively controls you. Those are the things you need to be aware of, and will need to deal with if you want to really live by the Golden Rule all the time. This list will just help you identify potential problems, so you can be aware of what you may need or want to work on (make extra copies of those pages if there isnt enough room to cover all your issues).
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mind desires and goals. [The Subconscious Affirmations Recordings mentioned in the back of the book use a mix of scientifically proven techniques to help TREMENDOUSLY with getting your subconscious mind to work for you towards achieving your goals.]
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words to you properly, or you wont understand that I want you to drop the spoon, and you wont do it. So if I said to you, you will be dropping the spoon, that literally means to you that you WILL be dropping the spoon, not that you should drop it NOW. So what happens? You hold on to it, waiting for that time in the future when you WILL BE dropping it. But if I say drop the spoon, or you are dropping the spoon, you would drop it. Some Fundamental Positive Affirmations These are some standard affirmations you can use: Morning affirmation: First, bring to mind your ideal (the person that best represents your concept of a great or spiritual person you want to emulate). When you are thinking of your ideal though, make sure you are not thinking of the persons self/personality, but rather, their example. Now, while you are holding your ideal in mind, say to yourself, silently, or out loud in private, and with full meaning, feeling it, not as just a repetition of words, Your will be done God (whatever name for God you choose), not mine, in me and through me; show me what I must do this day, and let me be a channel of your blessings to all. If you just want a great catch all for living by the Golden Rule, you can simply make your affirmation, I am an unselfishly loving person. Another particularly nice one is along the lines of the prayer of St. Francis, Gods will be done, in me and through me. As with all the affirmations you do, repeat it for five minutes. If you are living with others who are working with you on applying the Golden Rule, also start the day by asking them a favor - ASK them for their input and criticism, to help you become the most unselfishly loving person you can be. Evening affirmations: Do your personal affirmations for your present goal, and for the virtue/quality you are specifically working on developing. And then you should do the dream affirmation (below). Pre-sleep affirmation: This is often the most effective affirmation because you repeat it as you are going to sleep; this carries it deeper into the sub-conscious. For this reason your highest priority affirmation should be done as you go to sleep. If you want to be able to remember your dreams in the morning, or you want to be conscious of your dreams while you are having them, use the following statement as the pre-sleep affirmation until the difficulty is resolved: I remember my dreams and I am conscious while dreaming. How to Phrase Personalized Affirmations If it is not possible for you to get your affirmations from someone who is an expert, you could ask for guidance (for affirmations) during prayer or meditation, or just think about negative/selfish traits you have, that you know you need to change, or positive traits you would like to acquire. In fact, part of the Golden Rule program is for you to make a list. Take some time out to do that now. On page 61 youll find a Personalized Goal and Affirmations List to help you identify and ground out what you want to change. Take a good look inside your heart, and being very honest with yourself, make your list of everything that you want to change about yourself. Think of things that may be blocking or standing in the way of you creating your spiritual ideal. Then commit to doing the opposite - and make a list next to that list, only state everything in its positive affirmation form. In other words, if you are lazy, write that you are working on becoming hard working, and energetic. You can refer to the affirmations list below for other ideas, and help with finding opposite positive affirmations for various traits. After you are done with your list, you will begin working on changing them one at a time. Choose just ONE of those things you want to change (the most important first), and then read how to apply your Personalized Affirmation below. [Tip: While the subconscious mind is like a computer, and takes things you say to it literally, the conscious mind works like a filter, and does take interpretations into consideration. I.e., lets say you are watching a comedian whom you find extremely funny, and you use slang to express that, such as, He kills me!. That doesnt mean you are programming yourself so that he kills you in any way. But when you are doing things to directly address the subconscious, or you are in an altered state that accesses the subconscious, you dont have that leeway, and you need to be very literal].
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Here are some typical negative personal traits and their opposite positive affirmations that can help you change: To Change the Following Negative Traits: Late - Im always punctual. Lazy - I am efficient, energetic and hard working. I always do the tasks I need to do. Irresponsible - I always think and act responsibly. I want to do things positively and properly in order to help others. Everything I do is done well, positively, and right. Nagging - I only point things out to someone when necessary. Whenever I point something out to someone I do it lovingly and concisely. Procrastination - I always do the tasks I need to do promptly and thoroughly. I am thorough, efficient and speedy in doing my tasks. Stingy - I am unselfishly giving when its within Gods will and this unselfish giving makes me feel good and fills me with a deep inner peace and security. When its within Gods will, I generously give and share what I have with others. Defensiveness - I want people to bring things up to me so I can become more positive, selflessly loving and effective. I welcome people bringing things up to me that I can improve about myself or do better next time. Greed - Im always unselfishly loving. When its in Gods will, I give freely and generously. Harsh - I am unselfishly loving and kind. When its within Gods will, Im gentle in my demeanor and in my dealings with others. Introverted - I express my thoughts and feelings. Im always outflowing. I am dynamic. I am magnetic and unselfishly loving. Pushy and overbearing - Im always aware and sensitive to the feelings and needs of others. I am unselfishly loving. Impatient - When its within the will of God I can wait with calm, peace of mind and patience. Im always patient and unselfishly loving when its within the will of God. Hate - Im always kind and considerate and unselfishly loving. Irrational Anger - I always express my feelings with unselfish love. Harmful Violence - Im always gentle, kind and unselfishly loving, in my demeanor towards others. Harmful Deceit - Im always open and honest about my thoughts and feelings when its in Gods will. I share my feelings openly and honestly with those that I love and care about when its in Gods will. Prejudice - I am open minded and unselfishly loving. Impulsiveness - Im always thoughtful and responsible in all of my actions. Obsession - I am flowing, calm, reasonable, adaptable, flexible and rational. Possessiveness - I happily let the people I love be free. I let go of the things I love. I am unselfishly loving. Jealousy - Im always giving, sharing, unselfishly loving. I feel secure in my relationships. I am unselfishly loving. Envy - When I see others who have what I dont I am happy for them. I am unselfishly loving. Overeating - I only consume food in amounts necessary for the health of my body. I only have a desire to ingest things that are healthy. I only ingest things that are healthy. I want and desire only the foods and products that are healthy for me. Alcohol/Drugs - I only have a desire to ingest things that are healthy. I only ingest things that are healthy. Smoking - I only have a desire to ingest things that are healthy. I only ingest things that are healthy. And the mother of them all Selfishness - I am unselfishly loving. To Develop the Following Positive Traits and Virtues: Temperance - I am moderate in all things. Assertiveness - I am dynamic and assertive in an unselfishly loving manner. Tolerance - Im always patient and tolerant of the behavior and shortcomings of others if its within Gods will. Humility - Im always humble, and selflessly loving. Flexibility - Im always flexible and flowing if need be and if its within the will of God. 42
Gentleness - When its in Gods will, Im always gentle and flowing in my demeanor with others. Sensitivity - Im always aware and sensitive to the needs and feelings of others. Kindness - Im always kind, considerate and thoughtful. I care about everyone who comes into contact me, and I am kind when its within Gods will. Compassion - Im always compassionate and caring. I am caring and compassionate for all beings everywhere. Awareness - Im always conscious and aware of my environment and whats going on around me. Even when I am concentrating and focusing on something, I am still aware of what is going on around me. Alertness - Im always aware and alert. Punctuality - Im always punctual and on time. Vitality - Im energetic, healthy and vital. My vitality is renewed and strengthened as Unselfish Love washes over me and through me. Concentration - I have excellent concentration. I can easily hold my attention on anything I need or want to. My mind is clear and focused. My concentration is perfect. Self-discipline - Every day I am more and more self-disciplined. I am self-disciplined. Self-discipline comes easily for me. Listening - I carefully listen to what others have to say. I comprehend and understand the meaning of things other people are trying to communicate to me. Accuracy - Im always accurate, conscious and careful about everything I think, feel, say and do. Communicating well - I communicate with others accurately, succinctly, and fully. I am aware of whether or not others have understood my communication. Im always conscious and careful about everything I think, feel, say and do. Intensity/Aggression - When necessary I am aggressive and intense if its in Gods will. When necessary I am an invincible fighter. Perseverance - I consistently strive to achieve my goals and surmount obstacles to achieving them. Emotional stability - I feel secure. I am emotionally calm, stable and centered. I am always rational. Responsibility - I am always responsible, dependable and unselfishly loving. Dependability - Im always dependable and can be counted upon to do the tasks I am given thoroughly and promptly. Courage/ Inner Strength - The positive force of unselfish love is so powerful within me that I easily overcome any hurdle, and obstacles become stepping stones. I have tremendous courage and will power. Health - My immune system is super strong and can fight and kill any invaders. My body produces and utilizes whatever substances are necessary for optimum spiritual, emotional and physical health.
Personalized Affirmation: Go to page 62 of the Personal Declarations section. It says My daily affirmation is:. Under that, write what you want your affirmation to be. If you have more than one affirmation you want to make, its better to work on them one at a time. You can rotate affirmations, and do one during one week or month, then do the next affirmation the next week/month, etc.. Again, you might want to copy this and post your written affirmation someplace - and look at it, dont just let it get buried or lost. Read your affirmation to yourself out loud or silently every day. Something we highly suggest using is a wonderful little device called a MotivAider. Its like a little vibrating pager you keep with you. You set it to whatever time intervals you want to be reminded of something (anywhere from every 15 seconds to every 24 hours). The MotiVator can be used to bring your present personal affirmation to mind throughout the day. Once set, it will silently vibrate every (whatever you set) minutes, to remind you to think of your present affirmation, say it silently to yourself, and think about how and if you are applying it. Another highly recommended way to plant affirmations deeply and instantly into the garden of your subconscious, is to use the Subconscious Affirmations CDs/Tapes (see back of book). There are many different volumes with specific affirmations already recorded. These psychologist approved recordings use a combination of traditional and proven scientific methods to help you access your subconscious mind, and make the changes you want. And all you have to do is put it on and listen to it once a day! The Subconscious Affirmation Recordings (incorporate a full-spectrum of established effective techniques, combining: Progressive relaxation; Guided imagery; Visualization; Affirmations; Brainwave entrainment; and
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Heartbeat Sounds. The result is a recording that relaxes you, and takes you into the deeply restful states of enhanced awareness that generally are only accessible to master meditators after years of hard training. Special volumes are available with affirmations for stress management, spiritual development, healing visualizations, and more. They have been used by Doctors and Psychiatrists with excellent results, and are the fastest and most powerful way to utilize the power of positive affirmations. However, they should not be used as a substitute for the above mentioned daily affirmation work, because they are not as specific. (The Subconscious Affirmations recordings use no subliminal messages. All instructions and affirmations are clearly audible.)
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this sort of thing, Perseverance furthers and If someone else can do it, so can you. Or as a friend recently put it, Keep your eyes on the prize.
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Chapter Eighteen Using Corrective Affirmations to Help You Practice what you Preach (or Believe in)
If you are sincere about living by the Golden Rule, you will be affecting others with your words, but most importantly, with your behavior. And what is really behind both words and behavior, is your spirituality, who you really are, how you really feel. No matter what you present, how you try to convince anyone of anything, its whether or not you Unselfishly love them, that they can feel internally, and can affect outcomes in various ways (a very positive response if they are a good caring person inside, but possibly a negative response if they are hardened in being cold hearted and uncaring). If you are unselfishly loving, you act out of wanting the best for others. And discipline, disagreements, and such, are all part of the package. That applies to how you deal with your own self too. So the important thing is that your actions, your words and thoughts, are not coming from a selfish, unloving place. And unless you are perfect, selfishness will crop up all the time. Its whether or not you deal with it when it happens that counts. The selfish-side self would prefer you throw up your hands in selfpity and give up your struggle to change your self. But that isnt constructive. So if you really want to grow, its a matter of how to positively deal with yourself when you catch yourself being selfish or negative (or someone else points it out to you). Thats where corrective affirmations come in. Corrective affirmations are very much like the goal/virtue affirmations discussed previously, but they are used specifically to gently re-direct yourself, and re-affirm what you really want, when you have fallen short. If you are normal you will probably need to do them daily. Corrective affirmations are not an apology. While they are good to say out loud (in situations where thats feasible) so others can hear you, they should not be used to replace, or assumed to be, an apology. Affirmations are statements you are making to yourself to modify your own behavior. The primary reason it is good to say them out loud, is because it takes humility, honesty and openness to do so. Its similar to the 12 step addiction programs in that way. But if you arent in a situation where that would be appropriate (like in public or at work, etc.) you can do it silently to yourself. Here are a couple of examples of where you might do a silent corrective affirmation. Youre in a store and you accidentally bump into a lady and knock a package out of her hand, because you werent being aware enough to see her. Other than apologizing, you might silently say to yourself, I am always conscious, aware, and careful. Next time, that situation may not repeat itself. Or maybe it will take a lot more use of the affirmation before you get more aware in that way. But one thing for sure, if you are at all defensive about your action, theres no point in even doing an affirmation, because you dont have the right attitude, and your attitude will defeat the effect of the affirmation. Another incident could be - while taking a bus, you realize you left your wallet at home. You could just stew about it. Curse about it. Get angry. Or you could be rational and say something like I always remember my wallet, or a broader one like My memory is becoming perfect, or at a more advanced stage, My memory is perfect. Another incident that more directly applies to the Golden Rule, could be - while checking out in the express line at the market, you notice that someone in front of you has many more than the 10 item limit. You could stew in anger. Express hostility. Or you could silently say I am always unselfishly loving ANDMEAN IT. FEELIT. Now doing that, and changing your attitude to a positive one, DOES NOT preclude being able to tell the person that they shouldnt be in that line. Or even arguing about it. IT IS YOUR ATTITUDE INSIDE THAT COUNTS. And that attitude will affect you at the least, and may have a positive affect on the other person. At least it gives a good opportunity for it. Its always best to say a corrective affirmation immediately after an incident occurs if possible. But if that isnt possible, then you can do it later. Using corrective affirmations with others youre working with on applying the Golden Rule, will be discussed in later chapters.
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Living with people who are dedicated to applying the Golden Rule can include a spouse/family type situation, a roommate arrangement (where a number of like-minded individuals split/share housing), or both. Well call both living with a spouse/family that has the same ideals/goals as you (applying the Golden Rule), or living with unrelated people who have the same shared ideals/goals, Intentional Roommating. Since spousal relationships are a bit more complex, theres a special section of the workbook about that, after the Intentional Roomating section below. Intentional Roommating Theres nothing as beneficial as living and working together with others who are also working on applying the Golden Rule in their lives too. It affords the greatest opportunity for forging yourself into an unselfishly loving person (YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOU). If you are only able to work together with one other person, thats great. But if you can work with more than one person, thats even better because it affords more feedback, more variables, and thus more opportunities for you to grow and develop your unselfish love. Regardless of how many other people youre working with, all your ideals, your intentions, your true degree of humility and unselfish love, get put to the test in such situations. As we said earlier, giving to those who would selfishly take can actually be detrimental (because you might be making things worse for them). For instance, doing something apparently good like being charitable and giving money to some homeless person isnt really helping them if that person is going to use it to buy drugs (in fact, youd be contributing to harming them). So you need safe ground to practice your giving. If you have a spouse, family, friend(s), group or club who are all agreeing to live by the same standards, you have the potential for safe ground to an extent. You can create a controlled situation, in which you are each agreeing to fully apply the Golden Rule, with each other. You can then freely give, receive, and express feelings and thoughts with each other. Being Used, or Utilizing Yourself Once you decide your purpose is to give, to care, to help others, and you have found a situation in which you can do so - consider giving all you can. Consider doing all you can. The greatest people who have ever lived on this planet, dedicated whatever skills, energy, abilities, effort, talents, assets, sweat, time and toil they were capable of giving - all to help others. Self-sacrifice was their gift of unselfish love. I have heard people talk about being used, or being taken advantage of. Certainly, if someone is using you just for their own selfish gain, and it is actually detrimental to lend your self and your energies to them, dont do so. But if your spouse, family, or friends, are of like-mind, and dedicated to working on developing and applying unselfish love themselves, then you should look at what you can contribute to the whole as the wonderful opportunity it is. Personally, I am always being used by others. I want to give of my abilities, energy and time, in the service of God. I am happy to give all I can to help others find God and Inner Peace themselves - by helping them become more loving. It is often hard and thankless work, but what am I here for? Am I here to get, or to give? To accumulate wealth or material possessions just for myself, or to be better able to help others. Am I here to be loved, or to love? For me and mine, I say, I want to be used. I will utilize all I have in that service. It is my constant desire to be an instrument of Gods will. But thats just me, and my choice. You must make your own. But it wouldnt hurt to ask yourself the same questions. From St. Francis of Assisi Lord make me an instrument of Thy peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow Love Where there is injury, let me sow pardon Where there is doubt, let me sow faith Where there is despair, let me sow hope Where there is darkness, let me sow light Where there is sadness, let me sow joy Oh divine Master Grant that I seek not so much to be consoled, as to console. To be understood as to understand To be loved as to Love For it is giving that we receive It is in pardoning that we are pardoned And it is in dying that we are born unto Eternal Life. Roses or Thorns
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If they get along well enough, unrelated intentional roommates can even become like a sort of extended family, because of their shared ideals and caring for each other. Such a situation may sound wonderful at first consideration, and it certainly can be, but it takes work, dedication, and commitment. Its not just a hearts & roses affair. More like a path of roses flowers, thorns, flowers, thorns, flowers. Like any challenge, it can sometimes get difficult. Depending on where youre at within yourself, you can experience such interaction as wonderful, or horrible. The reason for this is simple. The spiritual side of people really likes the support, nurturing and empowerment of such interactions with others. But the selfish side hates the giving, the constructive criticism (because it exposes its tricks and games), and the loss of its control over you. This is where things like absolute commitment become invaluable. But your attitude is perhaps even more important, because that affects what kind of thoughts get generated. Attitude affects everything, including the way you approach your tasks and growth, and what you accomplish. I have a friend who takes dips in frozen ponds in the middle of winter. He loves it! But he only loves it because he has that attitude towards it. To someone else, that would be a hellish experience. And if they were told they had to do it, or should do it, but had a negative attitude towards it, it would be a nightmare. Change the attitude, and you change your experience, and thus your life. So when dealing with other people, having a humble attitude towards being criticized, and a tolerant attitude towards them (rather than being prideful, inflexible, or arrogant), makes a huge difference. As does caring more about the trials and needs of others, rather than focusing on your own (remember the 12 foot spoons!). In fact, when you are thinking about others, or caring for the needs of others, your mind isnt on yourself. You only experience your own misery, issues and problems when you are thinking about yourself. In fact, recent studies show that when there is a disaster of some kind, the disaster victims who focus on helping others, suffer far less traumatic psychological damage. Be kind; everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.- John Watson Interpersonal Relationships When people get together, interpersonal problems almost always arise. The closer they live together and the more they interrelate with each other, the more problems can arise. Thats one of the reasons the divorce rate is so high. Hitch two average selfish people closely together (especially if they dont have the same ideals), and you have a good potential for future relationship problems. The same with friends or roommates. You may get along if you dont see each other too often, or place demands on each other, but if you cross certain lines, sparks can fly. Normally, when people rent a room and become roommates, they set all kinds of spoken and unspoken boundaries to prevent/minimize interpersonal problems arising. But in a shared ideal Golden Rule intentional roommate situation (whether that means a spouse, or unrelated friends), the point is to develop and try to practice Pure love. Thus GR intentional roommates actually want to deliberately cross boundaries and offer constructive criticism for the purposes of routing out selfishness and developing unselfish love. That can get intense. All kinds of emotions can arise - anger, resentments, envy, jealousy, etc.. Buried emotional issues and scars from past relationships, even child abuse, might emerge from repression and need to be dealt with. But thats all part of changing and healing. As strange as it seems, attempting to really apply the Golden Rule, can at first be even more chaotic and tumultuous. It can even get a bit like being in the trenches of a war zone. If you arent perfect, and they arent perfect, what can you expect? Even if you are working on becoming unselfishly loving (and so are others youre working with), what can you expect? The fact that youre working on being unselfishly loving, means you arent yet. But heres the thing: The greatest amount of true spiritual growth comes from getting down in the trenches with others - that means getting criticism, giving criticism (and dealing with backlash & defensiveness), having conflicts with others arise that challenge your unselfish love, and dealing with these issues correctly and lovingly. You might want to read that again, because it is about the essence of real spirituality, and where the bulk of spiritual work and growth take place. Later, we talk more about positive ways to help you interact and accomplish that, but lets start with written interpersonal commitment statements. Interpersonal Commitment Statements These are similar to the personal commitment ideal and goals statements we covered earlier, but theyre for defining and grounding out your goals and commitments for working with others of like-mind.
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I suppose you could compare them to oaths or marriage vows in a way, but they are frequently referred to and used as part of the overall Golden Rule interpersonal groupwork program. On page 72 of your Personal Declarations section, you will find the GR Interpersonal Commitment Statement. Fill it out, and sign it.
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guide. Everyone should read about both kinds of meetings though, because certain concepts definitely cross-over. Golden Rule Study Group/Club/Fellowship Meetings [To find a nearby study group/club, or form one, you are welcome to contact the Golden Rule Organization (GRO) headquarters.] The following guidelines are step-by-step instructions for conducting a Golden Rule meeting. Because of the format, just reading those guidelines might make it seem that a Golden Rule meeting is a stiff, uptight affair. But it shouldnt be in the least. If you are doing it right, it should be a very comfortable, casual, relaxed, loving, and enjoyable atmosphere (except for times of emotional release or interpersonal disagreements, which can naturally get a little intense sometimes). And feel free to modify anything, including the order of things, to improve the function and results of meetings. First Meeting Decisions 1) Where? - Golden Rule meetings can be held at the facilities of a cooperative house of worship, or at members homes. If you choose to do it at members homes, you can rotate between members if you like. 2) Finances - Do you want to charge membership fees to cover expenses, food/beverages, etc., or if rotating homes, just let each member cover that during their turn? Do you want to pass a basket to accept donations from members to help support your local projects, and/or the work of the Golden Rule Organization, or not? 3) Meeting days, times, and lengths - The first matter to discuss will be agreeing upon how often to get together. This will obviously be determined by what everyones schedule will permit. If at all possible, daily meetings are preferable. They help keep your life direction focused on your priority ideals and goals, help keep you from getting lost and entangled with day to day problems, and can help keep you inspired. But it may not be possible to meet that frequently for those who dont live together. Once a week would still be good if thats all everyone can commit to. Next discuss and set the best time for the meeting. Then discuss an agreeable length of time for meetings. 4) Leader Election - Elect a group leader by secret ballot or open show of vote. This leadership position should be open to challenge and a new vote called for at any time during meetings. If you all know one another, or pretty much so, its obviously best to choose someone who is respected for their fairness and/or compassion. The group leader will call the meeting to order, dismiss it, and intervene in certain situations that call for a defining third party decision. Conducting Study Group/Club Meetings 1) Moment of Silence - Once everyone is assembled, and the meeting called to order, everyone can join hands and spend a few minutes in silent thought, silent prayer, or meditation. If everyone is agreeable to a specific thing to do during the period, that would be great. But if your group is non-denominational and not affiliated with any specific religion, you should vote on any deviation from a period of silence. Unless it is a group that is affiliated with a specific religion, and all members are of that religion, there shouldnt be pressure on anyone to conform to specific religious practices - that would be missing the point of what the Golden Rule is about. If everyone in the group believes in the possibility of God in one way or another, its likely everyone would agree to ending the period of silence with a Gods Will Be Done affirmation. 2) Positive Experience Stories - Start the meeting with creating a positive mood and direction. There are a couple of things you can do to get things moving the right way. Pointing out the good things that someone did, or that you did, in the last week is a great thing to start the meetings with. Mention to one of your friends that you noticed they did this or that, or were thoughtful, or whatever bright spot you have to pass along. If someone does something good, applaud! You will make two people happy.- Samuel Goldwyn 3) Spiritually Uplifting Reading, Movie, or Music - You may want to do some group reading from the workbook, or other inspirational books that everyone truly agrees upon with no peer pressure. Again, if youre doing a non-denominational study group, or want to keep to the universal value of the Golden Rule, dont choose books or passages that contribute to social or religious separation, prejudice, divisiveness, or judgementalism. Whatever you choose for your reading, encourage members to make comments, or ask questions about the subject matter. An occasional alternative to reading (or in addition to reading), might be watching a spiritually inspiring movie or listening to inspiring music. If you are affiliated with a religion, they can probably provide you with a list of their approved movies. 55
It has been said that music is the closest thing to the language of God. If you have time, put on a little inspiring music, and let it lift everyones spirit. GRO has a special workbook supplements for spiritually inspiring movies and music, which include GROs non-denominational recommendations. It also includes comments on the movies, and things to watch for and discuss when being viewed by a GR study group. See the GRO website, or the back of the book to order. 4) Reviewing Personal Declarations - Everyone should bring their journals, and GR Workbooks to the meetings. After the uplifting reading/entertainment, they should open their Workbooks to their Personal Declarations section, and review the entire contents to remind themselves of what they are doing, and their commitments. This will obviously take a few minutes. As each person finishes reviewing the section, they should close their books so the group leader will know when everyone is done. Then everyone should briefly state aloud: A) Why they are there. B) What their ideal and goal is. (Speak from your heart about what you want to do, the changes you want to make for your spiritual growth and how you feel about this.) C) Ask everyone else for their input and let them know that you welcome criticism because you want to hear about yourself, and anything that anyone might notice that you are doing or saying etc., that could be brought up for you to work on and change. D) State their commitment. 5) GR Discussion Period - Next, if anyone wants to bring up issues from their journals, they can. Remember, communication is vital - COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE! Anything should be able to be discussed. They can give examples of good things that may have happened, experiences with their methods of spiritual growth, insights, or problems they may have had. Then group members can make comments. COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE! If someone had a negative interaction with someone outside the group, that they feel went unresolved, or want to resolve positively, they can solicit input about it from other members. Another way to deal with such a situation is to do a reenactment of the negative interaction, having other group members play the roles. For instance, lets say Susan had an argument with a fellow employee at her office, and doesnt feel it went well. One group member could play the role of Susan, while another member plays the role of Susans co-worker. These members, who are emotionally uninvolved in the situation, could then offer a variety of perspectives and show when and where potential positive resolutions could have occurred, and more importantly, where Susan may have been out of line and was behaving negatively. Once that is pointed out, Susan can say a corrective affirmation to help change whatever quality may have negatively affected the interaction. Then Susan can step into the role playing as herself, and act it out positively. If Susan doesnt get the points that are brought up, or agree with criticisms about her behavior, she should open her Workbook and read the contents in the Personal Declarations section to remind herself of why she is there, what her objectives are, commitment is, and really think about WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT, being right or wrong, or being unselfishly loving? [In fact, a page with that slogan should be prominently posted somewhere in the meeting room (page 74).] If that doesnt do it, she can hand her Workbook to the group leader, who can read her Personal Declarations, talk to her about it, and again ask her, what is more important, being right or wrong, or being unselfishly loving. Then hopefully the defensiveness will be dropped, and the truth accepted. But, as the old saying goes, You can lead a horse to water, but you cant make them drink. All these procedures for helping you, arent going to be effective if you dont have the right attitude and commitment to change. Nor if you dont COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE! [Note: If there are unresolved disagreements between two or more members of the group, see the next chapter Intentional Roommate Meetings for ideas on how to best deal with that.] 6) Open Forum, Announcements - Next, have an open forum where people can say whats on their minds, and get support and comments from other members. After that, the group leader can make any necessary announcements. This would also be a good time to discuss ideas for promoting the Golden Rule, and any progress that has been made in that area. Spread the word! This can be done with events, flea-markets, bake sales, flyers, doing talks at local lodges, clubs, churches, etc.. Members could also promote it with things like wearing promotional T-shirts (Think Golden Rule, Golden Rule to the Rescue, or whatever), lapel pins, cups, posters, plaques, etc.. (Were trying to carry some things like that for members).
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The group leader should also make announcements about networking with other members locally (and internationally through GRO). For instance, if Susan does commercial bookkeeping, and Andy runs a gardening supply, they may want that announced so other members can support their businesses if they wish. This would also be a good time for passing a collection plate if youre going to accept donations, or need to collect for meeting expenses. 7) Socializing - Finally, allow some time for people to speak to each other independently, and socialize. 8) Till We Meet Again - End the meeting with another period of holding hands, and silence, silent prayer, or meditation. Then a big group hug!
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Choosing a Head Roommate Can you imagine your arms and legs all trying to act independently and do their own thing without coordination from your brain/mind? Every body needs a head. That applies to everything where more than one person is involved in functioning as a whole, from married couples and business partners, to football teams, corporations and even nations. Objective analysis clearly shows that group efforts work better with someone acting as a head. This applies to partners and couples just as much as larger groups. Many business partnerships have broken up over stalemate disagreements in which no one has final say so. Thats why many modern business partnership contracts have buyout clauses that require one partner to sell their share to the other if it comes down to it. It is far more complicated with spousal relationships of course, but still, such relationships have broken up over a lack of one or the other partner being the head decision maker in the family. And other times they break up because of power struggles related to it. Having a dominant head or leader can have its downside for sure. But unfortunately, until such time that everyone is solely coordinated by a universal/spiritual source of some kind, there will still be a need for leaders/heads. And that applies to coordinated group efforts too. It seems to be the best stop gap solution. The trick is, making sure that heads are as good as possible. A beneficent king or queen can be the greatest form of leadership, asset and blessing for a country, whereas a selfish one can be its worst nightmare. But leaders of any kind, elected or not, can be a blessing or a curse. The election process is a safety valve for this, but it shouldnt be abused by trying to get rid of someone when they are just doing their job. In the case of a Golden Rule workgroup, be wary of wanting to get rid of a group leader, just because they have supported valid criticism of you, or sided with someone else against you. Your selfish side being threatened is not a good reason to get rid of a group leader, but it is a good reason to keep them. The Head Intentional Roommate We already discussed choosing a leader in a study group/club scenario, but this is even more of a critical and important role in an intentional roommate scenario. You will need to elect someone who will have the final say so in a stalemate situation, argument, or discussion where two or more people are in disagreement. This person should be able to mediate in a positive, loving and objective way even in the midst of a heated ego battle. They will need to adhere to the contract of rules and agreements that have been set forth by the group in dealing with any issue/stalemate that might come up. This should be the criteria on which someone should be chosen and if these guidelines are not followed by the mediator/leader, then you as a group will need to elect someone else. Its very important that you agree upon this and that you feel good about who you have chosen for this role because when you are in the middle of dealing with issues, things can get pretty heated and intense, and thats the time when people who have selfish reasons to resent or want the leader removed, will look for any excuse to attack/find fault with the person who has been chosen to lead/mediate. Condemn the fault and not the actor of it.- William Shakespeare Calling a Meeting Intentional roommates can choose to have meetings that are regularly scheduled, regardless of if there are any issues to bring up or not, or only when someone recognizes a need for it. Since they are living together, it is easier to have frequent scheduled meetings (even daily, or twice daily). Other than scheduled meetings, one could be called because someone has an announcement to make, a criticism, a
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complaint about negative behavior, a concern about a potential problem, or they need a dispute resolved. Meetings dont need to just be about negative behavior or conflicts. It could be regarding a members personal internal conflicts, struggles, doubts or difficulties. Its the perfect forum to get something off your chest and receive support, nurturing, or guidance. Meetings should also be used to discuss appreciation of a positive change, or good deed. When a meeting is called, it is best to start by going to the group leader, and explaining your reason for calling the meeting, and ASKING them to help. Unlike what most power hungry people think, being a good leader is often a thankless and very difficult job. They are doing you a favor out of the goodness of their heart, and it should be treated as such. If a group leader is one of the parties involved in a dispute however, they need to defer to another person who will function as a temporary group leader. When having a meeting, members should bring their journals and Workbooks just as mentioned in the study group meeting instructions given earlier. In fact, all the same things that apply to study groups, including the meetings, apply to intentional roommates also. However, since intentional roommates are more likely to have interpersonal conflicts, we need to discuss the special methods for dealing with that in a meeting. Creating Resolutions 1) Personal Declarations - If an unresolved conflict between two members is brought up at a meeting, the two should read their own Personal Declaration sections, then hand them to each other to read - before discussing it. 2) Verbalize Commitment - Then they should look at each other and verbally re-affirm that they want to reach mutual truth, rather than just defend their own position on the matter. They should verbally affirm that the truth is more important to them than being right or wrong, and that unselfishly loving each other is more important than being right or wrong. 3) Take turns telling each side of story - Next, they should each tell their side of the story. Reasonable interruption for clarification of facts should be allowed, but it shouldnt turn into constant arguments. Everyone should let the other person say their piece. Then they can say theirs. 4) (a) Members remind disputees about (1) loss of objectivity and (2) applying the Golden Rule. (b) Isolate the primary issue, from secondary issues. (c) Then members question disputees, discuss, and give more objective input. Now in almost every case, both people will be partly right, and both partly wrong. The other members (who have no selfish-side involvement, and whos emotions and egos are uninvolved) should reflect on the matter. They can then offer the conflicting parties the truth as they see it, and the ways it should be dealt with, in the light of unselfish love. It is far easier for us to see the truth and solutions regarding other peoples arguments and problems, than it is to see our own. That is why each one of us needs to rely on the objectivity and clarity of other members, when we ourselves get caught up in selfishness, defensiveness, negativity, or obstinacy. It is up to the nonconflicting members to point out the aspects of who is right about what, and wrong about what, and more importantly, how it should be seen and dealt with using the Golden Rule. Members should start by reminding the conflicting parties that they must UNDERSTAND and KEEP IN MIND during the meeting, that they have probably lost their objectivity. That they each probably think only THEY are right, and the other is WRONG. They need to admit to themselves first, and then to the members at the meeting, that there is a very good chance they are at least partly wrong, if not entirely. They need to really WANT to see THEIR OWN fault, and change it, rather than focusing on the part of the fault that lies with the other person. Otherwise, nothing will get accomplished, nothing will get resolved, no growth will take place, and unselfish love will be replaced by a grudge or various negative emotions and walls. But if this process is done correctly, and applying the Golden Rule is made the priority to anger, envy, jealousy, etc., then unselfish love will become stronger. In many cases, what will happen is the original problem, gets confused with, and mixed in with, a secondary problem. Consider the following fictitious example. Lets say John reminded Mary that it was her turn to do the dishes, and pointed out that she had been avoiding it every time it was her turn. Mary reacted negatively, became irritated, and disagreed, arguing she hadnt been avoiding it every time it was her turn, and that John was just being negative. And the fact is, John WAS being negative - because he waited to bring it up to Mary until the issue had bugged him for a while. So rather than bringing it up matter-of-factly, positively, the first time he noticed it, he only did so when he reached a negativity threshold and snapped. John didnt bring it up until his irritation over the issue built up over time, making it a bigger problem than it really was in his thoughts and feelings. By then, he was quite perturbed, so he brought up the issue to her with a negative, mildly hostile charge behind it.
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Lets say this issue between John and Mary never got resolved positively, and it gets brought up at a meeting. What should happen? First, they need to separate attitude issues, from factual issues. In other words, people should NEVER use the tone/attitude of the person who brings an issue up to them, as an excuse to ignore what is being brought up. This is a common scape goat the selfish-side tries to use all the time. So we have found that when doing meetings, the first thing to do is isolate the two issues. That doesnt mean that Johns negative attitude should be ignored, because if he isnt being unselfishly loving, and he wants to be, he needs help with that. But it does mean that Johns attitude should only be dealt with AFTER the primary issue is totally resolved and over with. Otherwise such back and forth issues would never end and never get resolved. So first, Mary needs to deal with what John brought up, regardless of whether John was a screaming jerk, or sweet as pie about it. The other members need to get involved with their perceptions. What is the truth about being lazy regarding the dishes every time it was Marys turn? In conflict situations, things often get exaggerated by the accuser and often get under rated by the accused. So likely, Mary does have a tendency to ignore her chores, but doesnt do it EVERY TIME. Theres that partly right, partly wrong thing again. Secondly, at the time John originally brought that up to Mary, she should have admitted that she did have that tendency (if true), thanked John for bringing it to her attention, said a positive affirmation like I am always positive, responsible and unselfishly loving and got going on it. The members must try and help Mary see that, realize it, and deal with it. 5) Resolving the Primary issue - If Mary eventually accepts the members input, and realizes she was wrong, she can apologize and do an affirmation. After that is a done deal, then, and only then, the issue of Johns negative attitude can be brought up and dealt with. But before we get into that example, lets deal with what would happen if Mary didnt accept the truth from the other members. First, Mary should be reminded of what she is doing there, and what she has expressed as her goal. She should be asked if she wants to get to the truth, or just be right. She should be asked if she is feeling unselfish love towards John. Does she want to become a more loving person, and develop her Golden Rule virtues, or just be right? If that still gets nowhere, the uninvolved members could try role playing, one taking Marys role, and one taking Johns. They can play out the bad behavior first, to see if Marygets it, and then play out what should have occurred if Mary was being positive. 6) Resolving the Secondary Issue - Now after the issue of Marys behavior has been absolutely resolved (meaning she really got it, saw the error of her behavior and apologized to John, and said a positive affirmation to herself), then we can deal with Johns attitude issue. First, John should have it pointed out that he should communicate better, and bring things up sooner, rather than letting things build up and get negative. Secondarily, he should be reminded that there is never a good enough reason to get negative. He should be reminded that he should care about others, be unselfishly loving, and bring things up to others with the desire to help. He should be reminded that if you criticize positively, with love in your heart, you will often get a better response. Depending on his attitude and response, the same steps used above to help Mary, could be used to help John. Another thing that often happens, is people retaliate. For instance, lets say Mary is holding a conscious or subconscious grudge about John bringing up the dishes thing. So she looks for an opportunity to bring something up about him. Not to help him grow. Not because she loves him. Not because its best. Not because she is trying to help him change by giving him constructive criticism, but because she just wants to get back at him. Obviously, thats not good. So what to do? Well, a grudge criticism is virtually the same as the above dishes issue in which John was negative when he brought up the dishes to Mary. So it should be treated in the same way. In other words, it does not matter if the reason someone is bringing something up to you is out of retaliation or not. Truth is truth. Its either true or not. You need to deal with the issue. Then, only after the initial issue is totally done being dealt with, you should deal with the grudge problem, and help them get back on track with criticizing out of love and a desire to help, rather than a desire to hurt or retaliate. 7) Unresolved disputes being deferred to the group leader for a decision - If all else fails, disputees Workbooks should be handed to the group leader to moderate. They can remind the parties involved of their ideals, goals, and commitments, and make a final determination of the matter to resolve it. To accept the group leaders decision, if it is one you dont like, takes humility. If you have a problem with that, ask yourself, is the leaders decision one that harms you or anyone else? If not, what can you lose? Even if they are wrong, ask yourself what you are losing, other than pride? If someone cant resolve a dispute themself, or with the help of members, or be willing to take the group leaders decision with a truly good positive attitude, then theyve decided to make defending their ego more important than growing and applying the Golden Rule, and they shouldnt even be pretending to try. There may be struggle, but ultimately there is only doing, or not doing. Choosing to be humble and loving, or defensive and selfish.
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8) End with holding hands, whatever prayer/meditation/affirmation you choose, and hugs. Leave things on a positive uplifting note.
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Jealousy is one of the most insidious branches of selfishness. A high percentage of the murder and domestic violence rate we mentioned above, stems from jealousy. People sometimes want their spouse to be a bit jealous. They think it means they love them. But that couldnt be further from the truth. When someone is jealous, they cant be simultaneously loving. The two things cant co-exist. Rather than loving, a jealous person is being selfish, possessive, and uncaring. Yes, they are exhibiting that they care whether or not they lose you as their possession, but they arent showing that they care about YOU. They are not exhibiting their love, they are exhibiting a terrible addiction. Possessing, having control of, getting attention and energy from another human, is probably the strongest, most destructive addiction humans face. Possessiveness is what you get when you are hooked on that drug. And when anything threatens this powerful addiction, threatens the addicts drug, the addicts fix, the reaction is negative and destructive - thats jealousy. It can be relatively mild, sure. But it can quickly become severe. And even the mild reactions are a poison to real love in a relationship, and only serves to further separation between spouses. To toy with having that in a relationship, is to toy with insanity, and like a drug addict thinking theyre using a harmless drug, how many steps is it from the beginning of that insanity, to emotional violence, physical violence, and murder. So before toying with it, or thinking its cute or a sign of love, you should think long and hard about all the horrific abuse that jealousy has caused. And it isnt just violence that it causes. It is one of the major destroyers of relationships. There are many other relationship diseases too, of course, but they have one common cure - Pure love. Unfortunately, mimicking having Pure love is sometimes taken as being a solution for having a good relationship. Men and women are sometimes taught to pretend to be understanding, considerate, and caring. They may learn to just go through the motions and say the right things. People learn to just fake caring and understanding by performing particular behaviors that will win the approval of their spouse. But does it matter if you dont really feel it? Should you fake it for the sake of the relationship, to get something you want for yourself, or to avoid having an argument? Should you just go through the motions because you might just get rewarded or get what you want? Doesnt it matter whether or not you really are caring and FEEL caring? It depends on what you want. If you want a fake outcome, use fake caring methods and go through the motions. If you want the real thing in a relationship, then do the real thing, think the real thing, be the real thing. Applying the Golden Rule might lose you a fake or shallow relationship, and gain you a true one. Its your choice. Lets look at an example of this. A man and a woman both come home from work. He plunks himself down in front of the TV in the den. He doesnt want to talk to or listen to his wife, he just wants to watch TV and have a beer. The wife wants to spend time talking and maybe share a little affection. The quick fake relationship fix might be for him to go through the motions of asking her how her day went and to see what he can do for her, he might even give her a hug and offer to take out the trash. But if he only does this because he wants to keep things peaceful, get something, or to avoid the relationship hassles of not doing it, what do you have? Two robots cohabitating? Two zombies going through the motions of being alive? That reduces the relationship to basically nothing more than some kind of mutually selfish deal (unfortunately, many are). Ill do this for you IF you do this for me. The fake fix for the wife might be to let him have his space. But inside, if she isnt doing that because she had Pure love for him, she will be seething. And that buildup of negativity will come out someway, someday. Even if you take the fake approach to fixing your relationship, and get it to work for a while, it cant last. Because the nature of the selfish-side self will always ruin it. Either one person wont give enough, or give when the other wants it, or the other will get too demanding, or whatever. One person will get negative with the other, then the other person will retaliate - and then it will snowball. How long would a man like that keep up a good behavior if he didnt get what he was wanting in return from his partner? And vice-versa. Not too long. [The reverse roles apply also]. The Golden Rule can fix things if both parties really want to apply it. A little real Pure love, unselfishness and caring go a long way. If a spouse will just be tolerant, understanding, and caring about their partners nature and programming, and help them work through it, it can all change- on either side of the fence. Again, an important thing to remember is that you cant change the other person. YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOU. Trying to influence them by talking them into something, or with some form of spousal bribery, nagging, or force, might get you some kind of temporary results, but certainly not a fix. Once you have changed yourself to be more unselfishly loving, then you will be automatically offering a true opportunity for your spouse to change. And maybe theyll change, or maybe youll find out your spouse only wants to remain selfish. Either way, it affords the opportunity for a positive change away from living like selfish loveless zombies.
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The bottom line is that if you are doing certain things in order to get something, you are still just functioning in the me zone - and that can only lead to problems eventually. Truly loving one another and really caring is the only way to resolve and heal difficulties that come up between spouses. Tempered Tolerance What is needed is a blend of tolerance to the human weaknesses and flaws of our partner(s), combined with a sincere desire to be a benefit to that other person spiritually. You must be careful not to start thinking tolerance means supporting negative behavior. Co-dependent relationships arent good for anyone. What do I mean by that? Most all relationships are based on both individual, and mutually selfish objectives. Unfortunately, the Golden Rule is usually absent, and they often lack caring for the other person and their growth as a human being. Hence such relationships become great stagnation pools and vehicles for strengthening the selfish and weak side of a person, and both partners can stay together for the wrong reasons, and continue to foster negative behavior. Picture a woman who feels like her mate cares so little about her that he would rather watch TV than spend quality time communicating with her or sharing some romance together or whatever. She learns to tolerate what he wants to do because she knows that she cant change him (even though she would like to) and she learns to just put up with his behavior. This is an exchange. A bad exchange. She gives up that intimacy and communication to an extent, in order to get other things out of the relationship. This goes both ways. He doesnt like her as a person, doesnt understand her, they have no interests in common, nothing to really talk about, but she takes care of him. He tolerates her to an extent, in order to get other things out of the relationship. This can be a very miserable situation for both people. The fact that youre reading this workbook means that you are inclined to be giving and considerate already. At least you value those traits. Given that fact, you may be more likely to put up with bad/unhealthy behaviors from your spouse, imagining that you are being a good person. Good Bad Example I know a lady who lived with a man who was an abusive alcoholic for many many years. She stuck with him to supposedly try and help him, and maintain a better economic lifestyle for the children. She had two children, and by sticking with him, she also forced them to be subjected to his abuse. The children of course, have the associated scars now. She played the part of the brave, caring, supportive wife and mother, working and trying to hold things together, paying the bills when he was not able to work because of the alcoholism. She thought she was the good guy. Years later, she would say that she did it because she felt it was the caring and evolved thing to do. She didnt want to hurt him by leaving him. By staying with him, she facilitated his problems. She actually hurt him, herself and her children directly. And the ripple effect magnifies the mistake from there. Here are some good questions to ask yourself: 1) Does your relationship serve your weaknesses or your spouses negative side? 2) Why are you together? 3) Why do you tolerate/allow the things that you allow? Selfish reasons? Is it because of fear of being alone, attachment, possessiveness, monetary gain, insecurity, etc? (Those factors almost always figure into the formula.) 4) Would you continue to function in your relationship in the same way that you do currently if your only concern was helping that person grow/become a better person? 5) Would certain things that you allow currently, become unacceptable, if your own attachments and self interests were no longer tipping the scales? 6) Would you be encouraging/promoting certain things in the relationship that you are not currently encouraging, if your own attachments and self interest were no longer tipping the scales? 7) Is your mate your friend? Those are all great questions to ask yourself periodically. And if you answer honestly and objectively, then look at the answers honestly and objectively also, they can give you a good picture of your motives, and what your relationship is based on. The motives could be all selfish or all caring, but for many people, theyre a blend of the two. If your answers to the questions are things like, The sex is great., I need to have someone in my life., or, Theres a lot that Id do differently if I were primarily concerned about my partners well being and my own well being, etc., you need to take a sober look at what you are doing, why you are doing it and if you need to make some changes. No one else can give you true happiness, or make you happy in any real and lasting manner. Sure- someone can do something that will lift your spirits or please you temporarily - but thats not what Im talking about. Im talking about an overall consistent personal demeanor. If youre a down person, its a 64
condition of yours, not the fault of someone else. If you want to be happy, you must make yourself a happy person first, not hinge it on someone else. Likewise, you cant make anyone else really happy. If fact, a common co-dependent/abusive relationship argument thats used to keep a partner from leaving, is, But if you leave Ill just go to pieces., or If you leave I wont be able to stop drinking., etc.. Going back to studies of addictive behavior again, and programs to help an addict, we know such arguments dont hold water. There comes a time when people can only help themselves, and if you support someones negative behavior in anyway because of your own selfish needs/desires, you are hurting them. Ideally, people should be partners for the sake of mutual reinforcement of their dreams and ideals, to nourish and support each other in positive constructive ways - to strengthen each others good side. That starts with each partner taking personal responsibility for making positive changes THEN getting the support of another. You may say, Well, my spouse is not interested in being a better person. That can be quite a dilemma. At that point, perhaps you should go over the list of questions above again. Then if you still feel that you should be in the relationship for some good reason, decide what are acceptable and non acceptable behaviors based on whether or not such behaviors are good for that person and the people around them - including you. Then you could have a meeting, or see a professional counselor if you want to. If a particular behavior is not productive or constructive, one needs to lovingly say something about it and if necessary, take loving action to help create a change. If you use that formula, you can avoid the trap of simply becoming a complainer or nag. The big problem with just complaining and nagging alone, is that it isnt coupled with action. You see that problem in parent-child relationships, too. Lets say a child is doing something that they shouldnt do. If the parent keeps saying, No, no, no...., and the child is accustomed to being told no repeatedly before action is taken, or that no real action will be taken, you dont get positive results. If no is consistently followed by loving disciplinary action, then it gets somewhere. Dealing with a spouse by just complaining or nagging has proven to be ineffective also. It might work in some instances, in a temporary or superficial way. But the greater effect is opposite of what is desired, because it numbs the person to listening, and also pushes them further away. So its best to sit down and communicate clearly to each other about things and then if something is deemed serious enough to require action, you need to positively, lovingly act. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Dont do posturing, or play games. After words have done their job, let actions speak for you. This is sort of a paradox I suppose, but if you are working on applying the Golden Rule, you can take advantage of someone nagging you. Living with a nag can offer you some great chances for growth and self examination. You are likely to be receiving a steady flow of criticism and input. Thats better than living with someone who never makes a peep, even when youre being out of line. All of that information they give you can be very useful if you arent defensive and can sift out the good criticism from the bad. If you can honestly take a look at it and use the pearls you find amongst the manure, you can really make some good headway. Your partner will probably notice your openness and the changes you are making and most likely acquire a new respect for you. Who knows, maybe it will even catch on and theyll start making improvements too! Honesty is the first chapter in the book of Wisdom.- Thomas Jefferson Use of Communication in Relationships (Its so Funny How We Dont Talk Anymore) Most of us have observed a relationship headed for the rocks. The worse things get in a relationship, the worse communication gets. But it works the other way too - the worse communication gets in a relationship, the worse the relationship gets. When communication shuts down completely, it is either a death blow for the relationship, or it means the relationship is dead. It starts with people withdrawing into themselves, withholding what theyre internally feeling and thinking. Often each person feels that the other doesnt care about their feelings, thoughts or needs (which may be true). Attempts to communicate may frequently end in frustration or argument. Walls go up, brick by brick. Separation grows and it isnt long before the gulf between them has grown unpassable. Ive seen married couples who never talk about anything at all. No small talk, no communication about what happened to them that day, and no serious deeper conversations either. They cant even talk about the simplest of things, let alone complicated interpersonal issues. What they need is caring communication. Sitting down and talking about whats on their minds, and listening, really listening, to each other. Unfortunately, its often too late for that.
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If people agree that they want to grow, and grow closer, they must eliminate the separations between them. And one of the ways to accomplish that is through communication. But if it doesnt start with the Golden Rule, with caring about the other person, not even communication will help. If you feel like withdrawing into yourself and shutting off your spouse or others, or you see/feel someone else doing it, call a meeting immediately. Communicate. Get things out in the open and remember that any problem can be solved with enough unselfish love and honesty. Also keep in mind that more often than not, problems involve both sides or all sides. Its not about blaming someone, its about resolving issues that have come between us and each other, between us and our own love. With this approach we can bring the openness and love back into relationships and help each other rather than hurt. Spouse Summary If you want to get things on a positive footing, start by having a meeting with your spouse. Find out if they are on the same wavelength as you, and if they want to work on applying the Golden Rule in their life, both with your relationship, and with others. If so, do the same things laid out in the Intentional Roommating program. Decide the parameters of both the house rules, and your relationship rules.
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SUMMARY OF THE MOST IMPORTANT POINTS OF THE BOOK 1. Selfishness is the root of all our problems, hence un-selfishness is the solution. 2. You can only change yourself. 3. Ask yourself, What would So and So do? (Someone you consider to be a great spiritual leader- Jesus, Buddha, etc.) 4. Communication is of paramount importance. 5. Tolerance is good. 6. Nobodys perfect. 7. Continually reminding yourself of what is really important to you in life will help you live your life more constructively and fully. 8. Live and conduct yourself as if this is your last day of life. Doing all these things to help you apply the Golden Rule in your life, will take some time. If that is a problem, you just need to ask yourself a couple of questions. Whats it worth to you? What are you doing with the rest of your time? Many people complain that they cant possibly spend that much time doing it. They say they have jobs, and/or families, and they have to make a living and survive in the world, unlike having the luxury of being in a monastery. So lets look at the realities of that. If you truly absolutely dont have the time to do the full schedule as presented here, thats OK. But if you have a constructive, positive attitude towards it, then you can create an alternative schedule. ANYthing is better than nothing. And maybe there are ways to make extra time that you havent thought about yet. Well get back to that in a moment, but first, I should dispel some misconceptions about the luxury of being in a monastery. I cant speak for all monasteries, but I dont know of any free ride or easy living ones that just let you sit on your butt all day. In ours, I worked the equivalent of two full-time outside world, real world, real life type of jobs, PLUS did 8 hours of spiritual work. I got very little sleep, and at that, it wasnt daily sleep. But thats how important it was to me. Now if its not as much of a priority in your life, or you really cant make the time, thats fine. Just be honest about it, and dont be angry or envious of others for having or making the time.
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Most people just dont prioritize and realize how much they can do if they really, really want to, and what they can skip in their normal routines. So lets look at and consider a few ideas. First and most obvious is, do you really need as much sleep as you take? We arent suggesting you go without what you need by any means. Just think about whether or not you take more than you need. Next, think about other fruitless time you might be spending that might be able to go. The average person could do the entire schedule just by cutting out TV alone. If you really put your mind to it, youll come up with your own ideas for how to re-arrange what you spend your time on, and how to save time on what you must do. Here is a list of just a few areas you might be able to streamline or eliminate to make time for higher priorities (obviously they dont apply to everyone): TV Movies Eating Out Sports Hanging out/or shooting the breeze on the phone or email. Meals - can they be more simple for less cooking/cleaning time? Can someone else prepare your meals so you have more time? Could you do more crock pot meals of soups/rice, or make large bags of pre-made salads, etc.? Parties Reading - do you read books/magazines that dont help improve your life or are otherwise unnecessary? Shopping - like carpools, shopping can sometimes be shared/turns taken. Many cities even have on-line internet shopping and delivery available now. Entertainment Then if that isnt enough, just customize a schedule, and do what you can. Remember, this is all up to you, we arent trying to influence you to change the above things in your life, just giving ideas for those who actually WANT to make working on the Golden Rule a higher priority. But once you decide what you can do, and make a schedule, remember that commitment to your own plan, and consistency, are vital.
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BIG PICTURE.
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COMMUNICATE!
AM I CLEARLY EXPRESSING MYSELF? AM I REALLY LISTENING?
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I WANT TO SEE ALL MY FLAWS AND THE TRUTH SO I CAN GROW AS A PERSON.
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2) In order to fit into the kind of world I would like to live in, I need to be:
4) In order to become like my ideal, I am becoming (list the qualities and traits you idealize):
5) My goals are:
6) In order to accomplish the above ideals and goals, I am (in this area, write down what you are going to do, like prayer/meditation [and how much or how many times a day], doing affirmations, yoga, asking others to point out your faults so you can improve yourself, etc..):
7) I have decided to change my life in this way, and hereby make an absolute commitment to work on the above ideals and goals as hard as I can, and to change myself accordingly. Signed_________________________ Date:__________________
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I give my solemn promise: To be open, honest with myself; To want, and accept criticism positively; To look at criticism objectively and honestly; To only give criticism for the purpose of helping others, not hurting them; I agree that mutually finding the truth, is more important than me being right or wrong about any issue; I agree that me being unselfishly loving, is more important than any issue, or me being right or wrong about any issue.
Signed__________________________ Date:__________________
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