Esteemsters Episode #101 Written by Glenn Eichler (opening theme song) (Jake is driving his daughters to school; Quinn

is riding shotgun, Daria is in t he back seat) Jake - Girls, I just want you to know your mother and I realize it's not easy mo ving to a whole new town -- especially for you, Daria, right? Daria - Did we move? Jake - (laughs) I'm just saying you don't make friends as easily as... uh, some people. (Quinn turns radio up) Daria - Quinn, for instance? Jake - That's not what I meant... necessarily. (turns radio off) The point is, t he first day at a new school is bound to be difficult... (Daria turns radio on and cranks the volume) Daria - (shouts) Speak up, Dad! Can't hear you! Jake - Uh, where was I? (turns off radio) Oh, yeah... (car arrives at school) Jake - Don't get upset if it takes the other kids a little while to warm up to y ou. (Quinn exits the car, and is immediately noticed by the other students) Stacy - Hi! You're cool. What's your name? Quinn - Quinn Morgendorffer. Sandi - Cool name. Boy - Will you go out with me? Daria - I'll try to help her through this difficult period of adjustment. (exits car) Jake - That's my girl! Wait a minute... Daria - See you, Dad. (Daria walks through the crowd; the students are oblivious to her presence) (in school hallway; Ms. Li, the principal, is giving the new students a tour of the school) Ms. Li - As you can see, our Lawndale High students take great pride in their sc hool. That's why you'll each be taking a small psychological exam to spot any li ttle clouds on the horizon as you sail the student seas of Lawndale High.

Daria - S.O.S., girl overboard. (the girl standing next to Daria frowns and moves away from her) Quinn - Nobody told me about any test! Daria - Don't worry. It's a psychological test. You're automatically exempt. Quinn - Oh. All right. (in Mrs. Manson's office; Daria, Jane, and Mrs. Manson are seated at a table) Mrs. Manson - Now, Quinn... what do you see here? (holds up a photo) Quinn - It's a picture of two people talking. Mrs. Manson - That's right. Can you make up a little story about what it is they 're discussing? Quinn - I'm not even supposed to be taking this test. I'm exempt. Mrs. Manson - You won't be graded. Quinn - Oh. Okay, then. Let's see... they've been going out for awhile, and he's upset because other people keep asking her out, and she saying she can't help i t if she's attractive and popular, and besides, nobody ever said they were going steady, and if he does want to go steady he's got to do a lot better than movie , burger, back seat, movie, burger, back seat, because there are plenty of guys with bigger back seats waiting to take her someplace nice! Mrs. Manson - Very good, Quinn! Now, Dora, let's see if you can make up a story as vivid as your sister's. Daria - It's Daria. Mrs. Manson - I'm sorry... Daria. What do you see in the picture, Dara? Daria - Um... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains. Mrs. Manson - Uh, there aren't any ponies. It's two people. Daria - Last time I took one of these tests, they told me they were clouds. They said they could be whatever I wanted. Mrs. Manson - That's a different test, dear. In this test, they're people, and y ou tell me what they're discussing. Daria - Oh... I see. All right, then. It's a guy and a girl and they're discussi ng... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains. (Mrs. Manson scowls and slowly lowers the photo as Daria smirks) (bell rings) (in Mr. DeMartino's class) Mr. DeMartino - Class, we have a new student joining us today. Please welcome Da ria Morgendorffer. Daria, raise your hand, please.

(Daria raises hand) Mr. DeMartino - Well, Daria! As long as you have your hand raised... (chuckles e villy) Last week we began a unit on westward expansion. Perhaps you feel it's un fair to be asked a question on your first day of class. Daria - Excuse me? Mr. DeMartino - Daria, can you concisely and unemotionally sum up for us the doc trine of Mainfest Destiny? Daria - Mainfest Destiny was a slogan popular in the 1840s. It was used by peopl e who claimed it was God's will for the U.S. to expand all the way to the Pacifi c Ocean. These people did not include many Mexicans. Mr. DeMartino - Very good, Daria. Almost... suspiciously good. All right, class. Who can tell me which war Mainfest Destiny was used to justify? (spots a boy in a football uniform, who's seated next to a blonde cheerleader) Kevin! How about you? Kevin - The Vietnam War? Mr. DeMartino - That came a little later, Kevin... a hundred years later. A lot of good men died in that conflict, Kevin. I believe we owe it to them to at leas t get the century right! Kevin - Uh... Operation Watergate? Mr. DeMartino - Son, promise me you'll come back and see me some day when you've got the Heisman trophy and a chain of auto dealerships, and I'm saving up for a second pair of pants! Will you promise me that, Kevin? Kevin - Sure! Brittany - Can I come, too? I mean, if Kevin and I are still together. Kevin - We will be, babe. We will be. Mr. DeMartino - (talks as if speaking to a small child) Ahh... Brittany. Can you guess which war we fought against the Mexicans over Mainfest Destiny? Brittany - Mmm... no. Mr. DeMartino - (losing patience) Please try, Brittany. Brittany - Uh... the Viet Cong war? (Mr. DeMartino is now barely restraining his temper) Mr. DeMartino - Either someone gives me the answer, or I give you all double hom ework and a quiz tomorrow. I want a volunteer with the answer. Now! (Daria sighs and raises her hand) Mr. DeMartino - Daria, stop showing off! (Daria slowly lowers her hand, a look of misery on her face) (at Daria's house; the family is eating dinner)

Quinn - Then they asked me to join the pep squad. They said I didn't have to try out, but I said, "Look, I'm new here. Give me a chance to get used to things." So, for now, I'm vice president of the Fashion Club, and that's it. Jake - Sounds like a well-thought out decision, honey. Helen - As long as you can join pep squad later -- if you want. Never know how m uch we can handle till we try, though. Jake - What about you, Daria? How was your first day? Daria - Well, my history teacher hates me because I know all the answers, but th ere are some interesting idiots in my class. Jake - That's great! Helen - Jake! Jake - I mean... Helen - Daria, your father's trying to tell you not to judge people until you kn ow them. You're in a brand-new school in a brand-new town. You don't want it to be Highland all over again. Daria - Not much chance of that happening... unless there's uranium in the drink ing water here, too. Helen - I'm talking about you making a friend or two. Don't be so critical. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Daria - It all boils down to trust. Helen - Exactly. It all boils down to trust. Show a little trust. Daria - Mom... Dad... you're right. Can I borrow either car? Helen and Jake - No. (phone rings; Helen gets up to answer it) Quinn - God, I hope that's not the booster society again. Helen - (answers phone) Hello? (beat) Yes. (beat) Uh, yes, she's my daughter. (b eat) I see. Listen, will this require any parent-teacher conferences or anything , and if so, is this the sort of thing my assistant can handle? (beat) Okay, gre at. Bye! (hangs up) You girls took a psychological test at school today? Quinn - They said we wouldn't be graded! Helen - Daria, they want you to take a special class for a few weeks, then they' ll test you again. Quinn - You flunked the test?! Helen - She didn't flunk anything. It seems she has low self-esteem. Jake - What?! That really stinks, Daria! Helen - Easy, Jake. Focus. (to Daria) We tell you over and over again that you'r e wonderful and you just... don't... get it! (slams fists on table) What's wrong

with you?! Quinn - Is she going to have, like, a breakdown or something? 'Cause that could really mess me up with my new friends. Daria - Don't worry. I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake. Jake - I'll say! Daria - I have low esteem for everyone else. (in self-esteem class; Mr. O'Neill is at the front desk, with about a half-dozen students scattered throughout the room) Mr. O'Neill - Esteem... a teen. They don't really rhyme, do they? The sounds don 't quite mesh. And that, in fact, is often the case when it comes to a teen and esteem. The two just don't seem to go together. But we are here to begin realizi ng your actuality... (Daria, who had been taking notes, stops and frowns in confusion, then raises he r hand) Mr. O'Neill - ...and when we do, each and every one of you will be able to stand proudly and proclaim, "I am." Now, before we... Daria - Excuse me. I have a question. Mr. O'Neill - Sorry, question and answer time is later. Daria - I want to know what "realizing your actuality" means. Mr. O'Neill - It means... look, just let me get through this part, okay? Then th ere'll be a video! (to entire class) Before we unlock your potential... (a black-haired girl, clothed in black with a red jacket, leans forward to speak to Daria) Jane - He doesn't know what it means. He's got the speech memorized. Just enjoy the nice man's soothing voice. Daria - How am I supposed to follow him if I don't know what he's talking about? Jane - I can fill you in later. I've taken this course six times. (walking home) Jane - So, then, after the role-playing, next class they put the girls and the g uys in separate rooms and a female counselor talks to us about body image. Daria - What do they talk to the boys about? Jane - A classroom full of guys and a male teacher? (both girls stop walking) Daria and Jane - Nocturnal emissions. (they resume walking) Daria - I don't get it, Jane. You've got the entire course memorized. How come y

ou can't pass the test to get out? Jane - I could pass the test, but I like having low self-esteem. It makes me fee l special. (at Daria's house; Daria walks in the front door, and is surprised to see Helen standing in the living room) Helen - Hi, honey. Daria - Mom? You feeling all right? It's not even 5:00 yet. Helen - I'm taking the rest of the day off to work with you on your self-esteem. Daria - ("uh-oh") Mom, I'm in the care of experts. Any meddling by an amateur co uld be dangerous. Helen - I don't pretend I'm going to cure you, but if a lack of mother-daughter bonding is part of your problem, we're going to remedy that right now. We're goi ng out to do something you want to do. (at Cashman's department store) (Helen emerges from a dressing room, wearing a blue version of her red "power su it") Helen - What do you think of this one? Daria - It stands proudly and proclaims "I am." Helen - Really? (at school) (Daria and Jane are walking down the hall; they pass Quinn and some boy talking by the lockers) Boy - So... like, what do you like to do after school? Quinn - Oh, nothing special. Go to the movies... or, like, a theme park... or ou t for a really fancy meal now and then... or maybe go to a concert, if, like, I know somebody's got good seats and is renting a limo and stuff. Jane - You hear that? He hasn't got a prayer. Daria - Tell me about it. That's my sister. Jane - Oh. Bummer. Boy - So, you've got any brothers or sisters? Quinn - I'm an only child. (Daria gets a sour look on her face) (in self-esteem class) (Mr. O'Neill is up front, as usual; Daria and Jane are passing a drawing back an d forth)

Mr. O'Neill - So, what are we talking about when we talk about ourselves? Anyone ? (points to a boy) Yes. Boy - We're... talking about us! Mr. O'Neill - Excellent! When we talk about "ourselves" we're talking about "us. " Now, guys, I've got a little challenge for you. Today we talked about turning your daydreams into reality. Tonight, I want each one of you to go home and do j ust that. What do you say? Um... you. (points to Daria) What's a daydream that y ou'd like to see come true? Daria - Well, I guess I'd like my whole family to do something together. Mr. O'Neill - Excellent! Daria - Something that'll really make them suffer. Mr. O'Neill - Uh... it's healthy to air these feelings... I think. (bell rings) We'll talk more about this tomorrow. Class dismissed. (students file out the door) Jane - Nice one. Daria - Thanks. (Mr. O'Neill picks up the discarded drawing, and becomes concerned: it's a drawi ng of an ice cream cone with his face on it, being attacked by a rabid wolf) (at Daria's house; the family is eating dinner) Jake - How's the old self-esteem coming, kiddo? Daria - My self-esteem teacher says that being addressed all my life with childi sh epithets like "kiddo" is probably a key source of my problem. Jake - (distressed) Really? Daria - No. Jake - (laughs) Isn't she great? She's the greatest. Helen - She sure is. But what does your self-esteem teacher say? Daria - He says I should think back to circumstances that brought me happiness a s a child and replicate them... but I suppose Quinn's here to stay. Quinn - What's that supposed to mean? Daria - You ought to know. You're the only child. Quinn - How would you like to have a sister with a... a "thing"! Helen - Come on, Daria, finish what you were saying. Daria - I thought, why don't we go to Pizza Forest for dinner like we did when w e were kids? (Helen, Jake, and Quinn begin to freak out)

Quinn - The place with the singers?! Daria - Boy, do I miss those songs. (at Pizza Forest) (the Morgendorffers are seated at a booth; Helen and Jake are slightly nauseated , Quinn is mightily pissed off, and Daria is enjoying every minute of their tort ure as the animal singers implore them to join in) Daria - (sings) Row, row, row your boat. (smirks) (at Jane's house) (Daria and Jane are in Jane's room; the TV is muted as the stereo plays on) Daria - Show's on. (Jane clicks the music off and un-mutes the TV) SSW Announcer - And now, back to Sick, Sad World. (the SSW logo is replaced by the image of a woman and a very elderly man, each s eated in high-backed leather chairs in a fancy-looking study) SSW Reporter - This is just astounding! Here you are, blind, deaf, and barely ab le to walk, yet you conducted simultaneous affairs with three members of the Roy al Family! The question on all of America's mind is: how did you do it? Old Man - (leans forward) What? Jane - She doesn't get it. It's the Royal Family. You'd have to be blind. Daria - Good point. (the TV image now shifts to an overview of a cheesy-looking U.F.O. convention) SSW Reporter - U.F.O. conventions, once sneered at as the domain of so-called "k ooks," have become big, big business, drawing hundreds of thousands of people ea ch year, people as sane and rational as you and I, who come simply to satisfy a normal curiosity. (a nerdy-looking kid with a big nose steps into view) Artie - Hi! I'm Artie. SSW Reporter - Artie, hello. Tell me, what brought you here, Artie. Artie - It was a cone-shaped craft about 15 feet long, with an air speed of, oh, I'd estimate mach 12. They kidnapped and stripped me, examined me briefly, retu rned my clothes, and dropped me here. SSW Reporter - (skeptical) I... see. Artie - They pressed my pants. Did a nice job. Daria - You know all the answers to the questions on the release test, right? Jane - I've got them in my notebook.

Daria - Well, why don't we just take the test tomorrow and get out of the class once and for all? Jane - How would I spend my afternoons? Daria - U.F.O. conventions. Jane - Now you're talking. (in self-esteem class) (Mr. O'Neill is once again holding court to his captive audience) Mr. O'Neill - And so, for tomorrow, I want you to make a list of ten ways the wo rld would be a sadder place if you weren't in it. Boy - Oh, Mr. O'Neill, Mr. O'Neill?! Mr. O'Neill - Yes, um... you. Boy - Is that if we'd never been born, or if we died suddenly and unexpectedly? Mr. O'Neill - Never been born. (bell rings) See you all tomorrow! (to Daria and Jane, who have stayed behind) Hi! Did you need clarification on something we cov ered today? Daria - We feel really good about ourselves. Jane - We want to take the graduation test. Mr. O'Neill - Well! I'm glad your self-image meter is on the uptick! But there's still three more weeks of class left. Daria - This first week has been a real eye-opener. It must be the way you teach . Mr. O'Neill - (flattered) Oh, well... thank you very much. (to Jane) You know, y ou look familiar somehow... Daria - So can we take the test? Mr. O'Neill - Well, it's not the way we usually do it, but... I guess so. (grabs test) Okay, question one: "Self-esteem is important because..." Daria - It's a quality that will stand us in good stead the rest of our lives. Mr. O'Neill - Very good. Now, "The next time I start to feel bad about myself... " Jane - Stand before the mirror, look myself in the eye and say, "You are special . No one else is like you." Mr. O'Neill - You two really have been paying attention! Okay, "There's no such thing..." Jane - As the right weight. Daria - Or the right height. Jane - There's only what's right for me.

Daria - Because me is who I am. Mr. O'Neill - I don't think we have to go any farther. I am really pleased! I th ink the whole school needs to hear about this at assembly! (the girls' faces fall as they realize their plan has backfired in a big way) (in the school auditorium) (Ms. Li is at the podium; Coach Gibson, Mrs. Manson, and Mr. O'Neill are seated behind her, with Daria and Jane seated at the far end) Ms. Li - And once again, the bake sale was a tremendous success. We raised more than $400, which was subsequently stolen from the office, but I am confident we will get that money back. In a related note, the school nurse will be visiting h omerooms tomorrow to collect DNA samples. Now, Mr. O'Neill has exciting news abo ut our after-school self-esteem class. (Mr. O'Neill stands and approaches the podium, to meager applause) Daria - This is really going to help me gradually ease into student life. Jane - Usually when I have this dream I'm wearing pink taffeta. Mr. O'Neill - Thank you. You know, self-esteem is a little like your car's brake fluid. You may not even know you're low on it until, one day, you go to shift g ears and nothing happens. Kid - (yells) That's transmission fluid! (tittering and catcalls from audience) Mr. O'Neill - That's... what I said. Anyway, I'd like you to meet two students w ho have completed our self-esteem course faster than anyone ever before! Please join me in congratulations as I present these certificates of self-esteem to... Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane. (meager applause) Jane - Oh, what the hell. (steps up to podium) (meager applause dies) Jane - I just want to say how proud I am today. Knowing that I have self-esteem gives me even more self-esteem. (smirks and glances at Daria, then turns on the histrionics) On the other hand, having all of you know that I had low self-estee m makes me feel... kind of bad... like a big failure or something. (audience begins chuckling at Jane's behavior as Daria looks on, approvingly) Jane - I, uh, I want to go home. (lets out an exaggerated sob, complete with arm to forehead, and runs off the stage) (audience laughs as Mr. O'Neill runs after her) Mr. O'Neill - Daria, wait! Daria - (steps up to podium) No one can battle a terrible problem like low selfesteem on their own. It takes good coaching...

(in the audience, Quinn is seated between two boys, looking bored and a little u neasy) Guy - Who cares about these losers? Corey - Hey, beats algebra, though, doesn't it? (chortles and high-fives his bud dy) Did you hear what I said, Quinn? I said, like, who cares how bad this is -it's still better than algebra! Guy - That's good, Corey. (cackles) Quinn - Funny. That's funny, Corey. Daria - ...realize my actuality. Winning the fight against low self-esteem takes support... from teachers, from friends, and most of all, from family. Corey - Is that loser still talking? (cackles and high-fives his buddy again) Daria - And so, the one person I'd like to thank more than any other is my very own sister, Quinn Morgendorffer. (audience gasps; Quinn's jaw drops to the floor ) My sister Quinn has forgotten more about self-esteem than I'll ever know. Are you out there, sis? Stand up and let me thank you. (Quinn cringes and tries to hide as her friends turn to gape at her) Corey - That, like, brain is your sister?! Kid - Are you a brain, too? (Daria smirks) (at Daria's house) (the family is at the kitchen table; Quinn is having a royal fit) Quinn - So then, she gets up in front of the whole school and makes a big deal a bout thanking me! Helen - That's really sweet, Daria. Jake - Good for you, honey! Quinn - Ooooh! (slams fists on table) I'll have to lock myself in my room until I die! I'll never talk to anyone for the rest of my life! (phone rings) That's f or me. (picks up phone) Hello? Matthew?! (walks out of kitchen) Jake - What was she upset about, exactly? Daria - She felt I should have thanked you and Mom as well. Helen - No, we should thank you for being such a great kid. Graduating from self -esteem school three weeks early is quite an achievement. Daria - Maybe we should all go out and celebrate. Helen - Oh, I'd love to, Daria, but... (holds up her day planner) Jake - Yeah. Take a rain check, though.

Daria - I don't know. My self-esteem feels like it's starting to slip. (Helen and Jake gasp) (at U.F.O. convention) (the Morgendorffers are in attendance; once again, Helen and Jake look uneasy, w hile Quinn would rather be anywhere else, and Daria is basking in their humiliat ion) Daria - Let's go get our picture taken with the cardboard alien. Jake - Uh... sure, honey. Whatever you want. (Daria, Jake, and Helen walk off-sc reen) Helen (O.S.) - Quinn? Quinn - I'll wait here... or in the ladies' room.. or maybe out in the parking l ot. Jake (O.S.) - Okay. We'll be right back. (a familiar-looking boy walks up to Quinn) Artie - Hi! I'm Artie. You're cool. Quinn - (shivers) Mom! Dad! You guys, wait up! (runs after her family) The Invitation Episode #102 Written by Anne D. Bernstein (opening theme song) (walking to school; Daria is about three paces behind Quinn) Quinn - Stop following me, Daria. (beat) You're following me. Daria - We go to the same school. (Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie approach) Jeffy - Hey, Quinn, can I carry your books? Joey - Hey, Quinn, can I carry your... pencil? Jamie - Hey, Quinn, can I carry your, uh, um... got anything else? (Quinn rummages through her jeans pocket and pulls out...) Quinn - A hair scrunchie? Jamie - Great! Daria - Careful. Don't hurt yourself with that scrunchie. (leaves) Jamie - Is that your sister? Quinn - Don't pry, Joey.

Jamie - I'm Jamie. Quinn - Whatever. (at school) (Daria and Brittany are sharing a table in Ms. Defoe's class; Daria is effortles sly drawing, while Brittany is having a tough time) Brittany - Perspective is hard. (Ms. Defoe comes to their table and examines Daria's drawing) Ms. Defoe - Good work, Daria. Your cube is bursting out of the picture plane. Yo u've really created the illusion of depth. Daria - I'm thinking of going into politics. Brittany - Ms. Defoe? I need a new pencil. I used up the eraser. Ms. Defoe - Here, Brittany, take another pencil and a fresh piece of paper, and try again. (walks away, exasperated) Brittany - If I don't figure this perspective thing out, I'll have to take remed ial art. I heard they make all the lefties become righties. Daria - But... you are a righty. (Brittany examines her hands, confused) Brittany - Daria, you're smart. Show me how to do this. Daria - Well... okay. You know when things seem very far away? Brittany - Like the weekend? Daria - Distant things, like mountains and buildings. Brittany - But, Daria... we're in a building. Daria - Yes, but... (Daria turns over her paper and starts drawing a stick-figure Brittany, complete with skirt and large bust) Daria - Make believe you're at the mall. You're standing in front of J.J. Jeeter s. Brittany - Oh, like I would shop there. Daria - (very slowly) You don't have to go in. You're looking at Cashman's Depar tment Store... (draws small rectangle representing the store) Brittany - Now you're talking. Daria - ...way down at the other end. (draws arrows pointing to store) Everythin g seems to be pointing to the entrance and saying, "Come shop, come shop." (beat ) "One-day sale."

Brittany - I get it! That's really realistic, Daria. Daria - That's one-point perspective. All the lines are pointing to one spot on the horizon. (draws more arrows to further illustrate the point) Brittany - I get it! Except... Daria - Yes? Brittany - Is Cashman's really having a one-day sale? (at school) (Mack and Kevin are at their lockers) Kevin - Yo, Mack Daddy. You coming to Brittany's party? Mack - Don't call me that, okay? What's this party for, anyway? Kevin - Um... Mack - Stop if it starts to hurt. Kevin - (chuckles) Really. Um, her birthday was last month... I helped her excha nge all her presents. Mack - Even yours? Kevin - Yeah. Then she had a saleslady explain the difference between perfume an d cologne. Interesting stuff, bro. (closes locker) Now I remember! The party's t o celebrate her parents being out of town. (Three J's approach) Hey, Joey, Jeffy , Jeremy. Jamie - I'm Jamie. Kevin - Whatever. You going to Brittany's party? Joey - Uh, if we're invited. (Quinn approaches) Kevin - You're on the team, dudes. When a cheerleader has a party, all the footb all players are automatically invited. Mack - (sarcastically) It's on page six of the play book. Kevin - Really? (to Quinn) Hey, Quinn, what about you? Quinn - Can I? Kevin - Sure! (Three J's fall all over themselves to ask Quinn out) Quinn - Sure. Jeffy - Who? Me? Joey - Which one?

Jamie - Him or me? Quinn - Everyone! You can't expect me to choose a boyfriend right away. That wou ld be like eating the first pancake off the stove. You have to feed one to the d og. (at school) (Daria and Brittany are standing in line in the cafeteria) Brittany - Ugh! I hate it when the trays are wet. Daria - "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." Brittany - Is that from a song? Hey, thanks for helping me out in art. Daria - No problem. Brittany - Maybe I could help you out in something. Daria - Well, you could show me how to twirl hair around my little finger and lo ok vacant. Brittany - (twirls hair and looks vacant) I don't know if that's something you c an teach. (picks up pudding and tugs at spoon) Ugh! I hate it when the pudding h as skin. Daria - I know what you mean... and that scares me. Brittany - Hey, even though I'm much more popular, we have some things in common . Daria - Breathing? Brittany - I mean, you're not popular, but you're not so unpopular that you coul dn't come to my party Saturday night. Daria - Is that an invitation? Brittany - Yes! Just this once, though. Daria - Gee, Brittany. I'm overcome with emotion. Brittany - You need a napkin? Anyway, I promised the other cheerleaders that I w ouldn't invite any more really attractive girls. Daria - Now I'm especially flattered. Brittany - Don't mention it. (walks away) (at Jane's house) (Jane stands next to Daria, who is sitting on Jane's bed while browsing Jane's s ketchbook) Daria - These are really good. I didn't know you studied life drawing. Jane - Yeah, last summer. Daria - (stops at a page) You're really bursting out of the picture plane here.

Jane - Oh, yeah. That particular model was quite bursty. I think she had her bur sts done. Daria - Speaking of which... Brittany invited me to her party. Jane - No kidding? Are you going? Daria - Sure. And after that, I think I'll swallow glass. Why? Do you want to go ? Jane - Oh, no, I'd much rather stay home and listen to my brother practice the o pening to "Come as You Are." I bet I could get some great sketches there... Daria - Well, I'm sure there'll be plenty of people posing. If you want to go, j ust make believe you're me. When you're popular, all unpopular people look alike anyway. (Jane takes Daria's glasses and puts them on her face) Jane - (monotone voice) "Hi, I'm Daria. Go to hell." (normal voice) It won't wor k. My face is too expressive. (at Daria's house) (Quinn is standing in front of her bedroom mirrors, holding several skirts) Quinn - Sheer, semi-sheer, or opaque? (beat) Textured! (tosses other skirts away ) (Daria stands in the doorway) Daria - Isn't one of you enough? Quinn - Go away, I'm concentrating. I'm invited to a party Saturday night and I have to choose the perfect outfit. Daria - (enters room) Countdown: only 72 more hours to go. Might this party be a t Brittany's house? Quinn - Yes, and might you go away now? (beat) Hey... how do you know about it? Daria - I'm invited, too... but I haven't decided if I'll go. Quinn - You can't go! You'll ruin everything! Daria - You know, I really should broaden my social horizons. Quinn - (storms out of room) Mom! Dad! Daria is ruining my life again! (at Daria's house) (the Morgendorffers are sitting at the kitchen table) Quinn - Tell Daria she can't go to Brittany's party. My popularity is at stake. Helen - Now, don't begrudge your sister a chance to expand her circle of friends . Quinn - Maybe now she'll have two.

Daria - (impressed) Touch, Quinn. Quinn - And don't think you're confusing me with that French. You should ground her because... her room is a mess! Daria - If I go down for that one, I'm taking you with me. Quinn - Wait, here's something worse. I asked her to do my homework for me, and she made me pay. (glares from Helen and Jake) Never mind. Helen - I think it's great that you two are going to be spending time together. Dad and I would be happy to drive you to the party and pick you up. Daria & Quinn - No! Quinn - Thanks, but I'll find some other way to get there. (leaves) Helen - Daria, I'd like it if you'd keep an eye on Quinn at this party. Daria - I don't know what I did, but it couldn't have been that bad. Helen - I mean it. And she doesn't have to know about it. Daria - Is this your way of acknowledging how much more mature and trustworthy I am? Helen - It's my way of saying if you won't do it, I'm sending you both with a ba bysitter. Daria - I'll take that as a ringing declaration of parental approval. Helen - Just the way it was intended, sweetheart. (at Brittany's house) (Kevin and Brittany are setting up the snack table; Kevin is stuffing his face w ith potato chips) Brittany - I love being the hostess. It's so easy to get home at the end of the night. Kevin - You're a great hostess, cupcake. (suddenly gets the joke) Hey! Brittany - Did I tell you that I did this really nice thing and invited Daria Mo rgendorffer, even though she never, ever wears nail polish? Kevin - Her sister Quinn's coming, too. Brittany - Oh, no! She's too cute! My friends will kill me! (smacks Kevin's hand ) Kevin, you're mixing up the flat ones and the ridgy ones! Kevin - Everything looks great, munchkin. Why are you so nervous? Brittany - I'm just afraid people will judge me by my house... and we don't have the Jacuzzi in yet. Kevin - (hugs Brittany) Hey, stuff like that doesn't matter. The most popular pe ople with the best-looking hair -- that's what makes a great party.

(in Trent's car) (Daria and Jane are in the front seat, with Jane in the middle) Jane - Thanks for the ride, Trent. Trent - No problem. I needed a break anyway. I've been practicing for ten hours straight. Jane - Daria, would you say sleeping with a guitar in your hands counts as pract icing? Trent - As long as you don't drop it. (car arrives at Crewe Neck gatehouse) Trent - I'll let you off here. I have a problem dealing with authority. Jane - Sure you don't want to crash? Trent - A high school party? Please. Don't you think I'm a little mature for tha t? (Daria and Jane exit car) Trent - Don't do anything I wouldn't. (drives away) Daria - (mutters) Bye. Jane - Nice conversational skills. Daria - I hate you. (both girls approach the security guard) Daria - We're here for Brittany Taylor's party. Guard - Names? Daria - Daria Morgendorffer. Guard - (checks clipboard) Okay, and you? What's your name? Jane - Tiffany. (sotto voc to Daria) There's gotta be one. Guard - Tiffany Hodge, Tiffany Duke, Tiffany Fairchild or Tiffany Blum-Deckler? Jane - Uh... Tiffany Duke? Guard - Strike! You're out. I made that one up. Daria - Oh... she's not on the guest list. She's been hired to draw our portrait s. She's very talented. Guard - And your name is Tiffany Duke, huh? Jane - What a coincidence? Daria - These are some of her sketches from art class. They're very lifelike.

(Daria hands sketchbook to guard, who starts flipping through it) Guard - Hmm. These are pretty hot. Uh-huh... hmm... (Daria and Jane walk past ga te) Stop! Halt there! Huh... never mind. Hello, gorgeous! (at Brittany's house) (the decor is "Early African Jungle," with stuffed animals and fur skins everywh ere; kids are milling around, talking, or dancing) (Quinn is talking with the Three J's) Quinn - So I said, "Just because people are cliquey and snotty is no reason not to like them." Joey - Mm-hmm. Jeffy - I agree. Jamie - Exactly. (Brittany is talking with Jodie and Mack) Brittany - How do you like my house? Jodie - Uh... it's quite coordinated. Mack - And the ceramic tigers, they're grrrreat! Jodie (archly) - Where's the Jacuzzi? (Joey approaches Quinn and offers her a glass of punch) Joey - Here, I-I-I got you a drink. Quinn - This ice isn't crushed. Joey - I'll go crush some. (whispers) You know, Jeffy still sleeps with a teddy bear. (leaves) (Jeffy approaches and offers Quinn some pretzels) Quinn - These aren't twisty. Jeffy - I'll go twist some. (whispers) You know, Jamie's really a sloppy kisser. (Quinn gives him a strange look) I heard it from a girl! (leaves) (Jamie approaches and offers Quinn some crackers) Quinn - I like square crackers. Jamie - (bites cracker into a square) Here. You know Joey was with a... Quinn - Ugh, gross! (Sandi, Tiffany, and a blonde girl stand in the middle of the room, with the blo nde girl pointing to various kids) Blonde Girl - Now she's really popular, but not as popular as she is. He's mediu m popular, and he just bought a great car so soon he'll be getting more popular.

That guy was just popular enough to be invited, but now he needs to hook up wit h a girl who's more popular than he is. (outside, Daria and Jane approach Brittany's house) Daria - You really want to do this? Jane - You know, just because people are cliquey and snotty is no reason not to like them. Daria - Or hate them. Jane - Chin up, nose up, let's go. (they ring the doorbell; Brittany answers) Brittany - Daria, you're here. I'm so glad. Now we're even! Daria - This is Jane. She wasn't invited, but she's good in art. Brittany - But I have you for that. Hmm... what do you know about geometry? Jane - Lots of circles, squares and triangles. Brittany - Wow! Come on in! (Quinn, seeing Daria enter the house, hides behind a ceramic tiger) (Daria and Jane examine the snack table) Daria - (fake excitement) Look, two kinds of chips. Jane - Flat or ridgy. You make the call. (Upchuck approaches) Upchuck - Chuck Ruttheimer, here. And you are...? Jane - Jane. Daria - Esmerelda. Upchuck - I'll be your social director for the evening. Would you ladies like a tour of the house? It's free. Daria - Do you accept tips? Upchuck - Of course. Daria - Ditch the bangs. Upchuck - Feisty... (puts arms around Daria and Jane, who shrug them off) (Upchuck begins leading them around the house) (at Brittany's house) (Upchuck is giving Daria and Jane the grand tour) Upchuck - This five-bedroom house is designed in a combination of southern pseud

o-plantation and late mock-Tudor styles. To your right, the quasi-Victorian brea kfast nook. Straight ahead, the family den, which was inspired by the novels of Isak Dinesen. (they stop in front of the laundry room) Upchuck - And this... is the make-out room! Am I blushing? Confidentially, it's really the laundry room. (knocks on door) Hey? Don't lean on the buttons! Guy (from inside) - Can it, Upchuck, or I'll break your face! (girl giggles from inside) Upchuck - As we've reached the end of our tour, I'd like to thank you for your u ndivided attention. Any questions? Daria - Yes. How did you get invited? Upchuck - I dissected her frog. (Sandi, Tiffany, and the blonde girl continue their popularity evaluation) Blonde Girl - Now, she used to be very popular, but then then there was that unf ortunate nose job. That one behind the tiger? She was new and cute so she became , like, popular overnight. (points at Daria, Jane, and Upchuck) Those three aren 't popular at all. I don't know what they're doing here. Maybe some kind of exch ange program. Tiffany - But what's with that girl with the glasses? Her face looks weird. All the same color. Blonde Girl - She's not wearing makeup. Sandi - Is that a new look or something? Blonde Girl - Brrrrr. Scary. (Jane notices two guys staring at her and Daria) Jane (softly) - Those guys are looking at us. Daria - Don't they know we're from two different worlds? Regular and popular? Jane - The one in the green shirt is cute... in a head-too-big-for-his-body kind of way. (to Daria's disbelieving look) I hate you. Guy #1 - Hey. Partying hard or hardly partying? Daria - Hardly interested. Guy #2 - So... where you girls been all our lives? Daria - Waiting here for you. We were born in this room, we grew up in this room , and we thought we would die here... alone. But now you've arrived, and our liv es can truly begin. Guy #2 (to Guy #1) - She likes you. Jane - Hey. Isn't that Quinn?

Daria - Where? Jane - Over there, hiding behind the ceramic tiger. Daria - (waves) Yoo-hoo! Sis! (Quinn ducks back behind the tiger) (at the Crewe Neck gatehouse) Guard - I-I got to take this class. I've got to find Tiffany. I mean... (looks a t cover) Jane. (guard leaves as cars approach the gate) Crasher (yells) - Woo-hoo! Party! (cars drive around the barrier and head towards Brittany's house) (at Brittany's house) (Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie are following Quinn) Joey - I'm glad we found you. Jeffy - We were looking all over. Jamie - I looked the hardest. (Quinn spots Daria coming in her direction) Quinn - Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom. Joey - You need some help? Jeffy - I'll go with you. Quinn - It's the bathroom! (Daria approaches Quinn) Daria - Hi, sis! Quinn - Aren't you a little out of place here? And everywhere else on Earth? (go es into bathroom and locks door) (Sandi approaches and rattles door knob) (Daria turns to face the Three J's) Daria - Hi, I'm Quinn's brainy sister. People say we look alike. (a line forms outside the bathroom) Jodie - What's she doing in there? Sandi (sarcastically) - Maybe she's taking a Jacuzzi. (Brittany overhears and gasps)

Daria - And the traffic was so tied up that my mom finally hands Quinn the empty soda cup and says, "Here, you gotta go? Then go." (Quinn approaches, horrified; Daria smirks) I have this great picture at home of Quinn in her chubby stage. (Quinn drags Daria away from the Three J's and holds up some money) Quinn - I've got five dollars. Daria - Boy, you try to look out for your little sister... (Quinn digs into her pocket for more money) Quinn - Make it ten. Daria - Well, I have been saving up for a pair of snappy orthopedic shoes. (grab s money) (at the Crewe Neck gatehouse) (one of Brittany's neighbors pounds on gatehouse door) Neighbor - Hello? Anybody there? There's a wild party going on up at Deer View C ourt. What do you plan to do about it? You can't ignore me! I pay your salary. A re you sleeping in there? You're not a real cop, you know! (at Brittany's house) (Quinn and the Three J's stand in front of laundry room door) Jamie - Quinn, I don't care if your sister is a brain. I would never hold it aga inst you. So, you want to go in the laundry room? Joey - Hands off, Jamie. Quinn, you may come from a nerdy family but that makes your popularity, like, even more amazing. Now, why don't we ditch these two lose rs? Jeffy - Take a hike, Joey. Quinn, if you were my girlfriend, we could ignore you r sister together. Now will you go steady with me? At least for a couple of hour s? (suds and water leak under the laundry room door) Quinn - Oh, no! These shoes are suede! (in the living room, Daria leans against the wall as other kids dance) Daria (flatly) - It's the Soul Train. Beep-beep. Get on board. (Jane pokes her head out of the laundry room, then joins Daria) Daria - What happened to "Bobby Bighead"? Jane - I wasn't really interested. Daria - Too bad. (picks sock off Jane's shoulder) Is this yours? Jane - Okay, fine. He thought my head was a lollipop. Ready to go? Daria - I was ready to go before we got here.

(outside, Daria and Jane start walking towards the gatehouse) Jane - So, have fun? Daria - Well, I didn't talk to a whole bunch of new people, I made Quinn want to throw herself down a well, and I'm going home with a bonus sock. All in all, a great night. (at Brittany's house) Quinn - Joey, Jeffy... Jamie? Jamie - You got it! Quinn - Uh... I don't think this is working out. Three J's - What? / What do you mean? / What are you talking about? Quinn - I mean, you're really special guys, and you deserve a really great girlf riend. Three, actually. But I feel that you're pressuring me to do things I'm no t ready for. Three J's - Huh? / I don't understand. / What do you mean? Quinn - That doesn't mean you have to stop paying attention to me and buying me stuff and driving me places, but it does mean that... I think... what I'm trying to say is... Joey - "Let's be friends?" Quinn - Yeah. Sorry. Jeffy (to Joey) - You came on too strong! Jamie (to Jeffy) - You didn't give her enough space! Joey (to Jamie) - You should have brushed your teeth! (Three J's begin fighting as Quinn delightedly looks on) Quinn - Stop it... stop fighting. This is horrible. (to Jodie) They're fighting over me. (neighbor barges in with the cops) Neighbor - That's it! Everybody out! Vamoose! (spots security guard) You too, Ko jak. The real cops are here now. Brittany - Oh! Cops! Does that mean we're on TV? (at the Crewe Neck gatehouse) (Daria holds the guard's clipboard and Jane wears his cap as they interrogate ea ch car that arrives) Daria - New security precautions. May I see some I.D., please? Woman - You seem awfully young to be doing this kind of work. Daria - It's a disguise, ma'am. We're actually much older.

Jane - Not as old as you, of course, ma'am. Daria - Now, we have to a you a few questions. Jane - Is that your natural hair color? Woman - Well, I never in my life...! Daria - (writing) Never colors it. (next car) Jane - Known to the Greeks as...? Man #1 - Zeus. Daria - Excellent. (next car) Man #2 - I can name that tune in... three notes. (at Brittany's house) (Brittany is outside, saying good-bye to her guests) Mack - Thanks for the party, Brittany. Brittany - Sorry about the Jacuzzi. Jodie - It's okay. The wall-to-wall carpeting in the bathrooms makes up for it. (inside, Quinn stands amidst the post-fight carnage; the Three J's have beaten e ach other unconscious) Quinn - Joey? Jeffy? Jamie? (beat) How am I going to get home? (at the Crewe Neck gatehouse) (Quinn approaches, her shoes squishing) Daria - What happened to your fan club? Quinn - They beat each other up. It was kind of... what's that thing, when stuff turns out funny? Moronic. Jane - Ironic. Daria - She was right the first time. Quinn - You want to call Mom and Dad? Daria - And shift the balance of power? We walk. Quinn - But my shoes are all squishy. (Upchuck drives up) Upchuck - You ladies in need of a knight in shining armor?

Daria - Can we just take the armor and ditch the knight? Upchuck - Hey, it's a package deal, toots. (girls get in, car drives off) Upchuck - To your left, the home of the town director of public works, built on unstable landfill. To your right, a flattened squirrel. Straight ahead, the futu re! Daria - Stuff a sock in it, Upchuck. Upchuck - (purrs) Feisty! College Bored Episode #103 Written by Sam Johnson and Chris Marcil (opening theme song) (in the car; Jake is driving, Helen is riding shotgun, Quinn and Daria are in ba ck) Jake - (singing) I've been working on the railroad... come on, guys, we know thi s one. (grumbles when no one joins in) (car runs over road kill) Quinn - Daddy! Jake - It was dead already, sweetheart. Just like the others. Quinn - How do you know? Daria - You didn't hear any screaming, did you? Quinn - I think people who run over animals should get run over themselves to se e how they like it. Daria - What about unpopular animals? Quinn - Unpopular animals don't count. Daria - What about the stupid ones? Helen - Come on, girls. We'll be at Susan and Doug's soon. Daria - Hooray. Jake - It'll be fun. You can hang out with Ramona. Daria - Ramona's three. (at Susan and Doug's house) (the Morgendorffers are sitting in Susan and Doug's living room; Ramona sniffles and walks over to the group)

Helen - Daria, on the other hand, is more of a late bloomer -- socially -- and t here's nothing wrong with that. Right, honey? Quinn - (to Ramona) Goo, goo, ga, ga. Goo-goo, ga-ga. Ramona. Ramona. Goo-goo, g a-ga. (Ramona blows nose on Quinn's leg) Ew! (Ramona grabs a book and walks over to Helen) Ramona - Read to me. Helen - Isn't she darling? What is she reading now? (takes book, "My First S.A.T . Study Guide") Susan - We have to think about college application time. (sighs) I mean, it's so hard to get into a good school now. What are you guys doing about it? (in the car) Daria - One more time: I am not taking a college prep course. Actually, I may ju st skip college and stay home. It'll save me the trouble of moving back in later . (Jake swerves into traffic, barely avoiding another car before straightening out ) Helen - Watch the road! Daria, if you don't get into a decent school your life w ill be ruined. End of discussion. Quinn - Way to go, Mom. She can't get her way all the time. Helen - Actually, Quinn, it wouldn't hurt if you took the course too. Quinn - Wait a minute! Daria - Maybe we can sit together. (at school) (most of the familiar faces are in the college prep class, including Daria and Q uinn) Instructor - Today's admission standards are more rigorous than ever, which is w hy... Jane - Can we get on with this? I have someplace to go. (at Jodie's quizzical lo ok) Television counts as a place. Instructor - Okay, okay. Topic one: testing. You have to know how to take a test . Like, when you get a multiple-choice question, you can usually eliminate two o f the answers right off. Brittany - Excuse me, sir? Does that work with true/false? (instructor sighs) (time passes) Instructor - Okay, this is an informational sheet Push Comes to Love sends aroun d to 600 leading colleges. It's called My Personal Goals and Aspirations. Let's all talk about college...

Kevin - Pssst. Daria, what did you get for number one? Daria - The thing about who I really am? Kevin - Yeah. Daria - Try "cross-dresser." Kevin - Thanks, man, I owe you one. Instructor - ... the goal of the worksheet is to help you focus on what you want out of college. Okay, when you get a multiple choice... (Kevin's daydream begins) (Kevin walks through a college campus; the other football players are taller and more bulked-up than he is, which jolts Kevin out of his daydream) Instructor - ...you focus on personal goals and aspirations... (Kevin's daydream begins again; this time, he's as tall and built as the other p layers) (a beautiful blonde woman approaches) Blonde - Kevin... thank you for my beautiful roses. Where did you get them? Kevin - Oh, it was nothing. My high-school girlfriend sent them to me. Blonde - (laughs) What a child. (Kevin's daydream ends) Instructor - Okay, the goal of college... (Brittany's daydream begins) (Brittany, in a cap and gown, is strolling down a fashion runway) Woman - Oh, Brittany. Emcee - (singing) She's got a dark, threatened look. She never cracked no books. La-la-la... Kevin - (shouts) Brittany, you're the only girl I ever loved! Will you marry me? (crowd cheers as Kevin is hauled away and Brittany takes her bows) (Brittany's daydream ends) (Jane's daydream begins) (Jane and an art critic are standing in a rather large loft) Critic - This is all quite amazing. How could you afford such a space in New Yor k? Jane - I used the money my parents saved for college.

Critic - Brilliant! Just like your art. (Jane's daydream ends) Instructor - ... it's called "Focus on How to..." (Quinn's daydream begins) (Quinn walks up to a house and knocks on the door; it's answered by a muscular g uy wearing nothing but a towel around his waist, a guy dressed like a preppie, a nd a guy in a cowboy outfit) Muscle Guy - Hey, this must be the new roommate. Guys. Preppie Guy - Excellent, the new roommate. Cowboy Guy - Howdy, roomy. Quinn - Hi. Muscle Guy - All right, guys. Best man wins. (guys start fighting each other) (Quinn's daydream ends) Instructor - ... like two of the answers are more rigorous than... (Daria's daydream begins) (Daria and a turtleneck-wearing professor are strolling along a college campus) Professor - Daria, I know it's only the first week of freshmen year, but I wonde r if you'd consider transferring to the graduate school. Daria - I'm not really sure I want to be a professional student. Professor - But I don't want you to study. I want you to teach. Daria - Well... Professor - Not here, of course. On our Paris campus. Daria - Oh! Okay. Professor - Superb! (gives Daria a shoulder hug) Now I can use your dorm room to carry on affairs with some of the more beautiful undergraduates. Thank you! Daria - How come even in my fantasies everyone's a jerk? (Daria's daydream ends) (at Daria's house) (the Morgendorffers are at the kitchen table) Daria - Then we filled out this worksheet, and that was pretty much it. Money we ll spent, since it wasn't my money. Quinn - You left out the best part.

Daria - Getting a date with the instructor is only the best part to you. Quinn - It's not a date. We're meeting to discuss scholarship options. Jake - Scholarship? Way to go, sweetie. Daria - There's no such thing as a making-out scholarship. Quinn - Uh, excuse me, but I think he would know better than you. Anyway, the be st part, I meant, was the trip. Jake - What trip? Quinn - We have to visit a college of our choosing. Helen - Great! We'll go to Middleton! Jake - We'll all head up to the old alma mater this weekend! Quinn - Wait! We get to pick the college, and no one said you could come. Helen - But Quinn, your father and I would love it if you kids followed in our f ootsteps. Quinn - We're walking? Ugh! (leaves) Daria - Maybe we should visit your old nursery school first. (at Middleton College) (the Morgendorffers, in casual clothes, are strolling along the campus) Jake - Gosh, the old place has hardly changed a bit. Hey, hey, my man. Toss me t hat disk, dude. Student - Get a life. Jake - Cool. Whatever. Maybe next time. (mutters) College punks. (a girl in her late teens or early twenties approaches) Heather - Hi, are you the Morgendorffers? I'm your tour guide, Heather. Welcome to Middleton. Jake - Hey, Heather. What's up? Heather - Uh... shall we get started? (they begin walking) These buildings date from when Middleton was a colonial religious college. Back then, the all-male st udent body attended chapel twice a day, and endured whippings as punishment for impure thoughts. Jake - What a bunch of stiffs they must have been, eh, girls? (water balloon drops on Jake's head) Jake - Damn it! I'll kill you, college scum! Heather - But, Middleton's time-honored tradition of tomfoolery continues.

Helen - Jake, honey, didn't that balloon just come out of your old dorm window? Jake - What? Hey, I think you're right. Come on, let's go take a look at the old cell. We got time before we go see the Bursar. Helen - Girls? Daria - I'm sure we'd only get in the way. (balloons and other objects drop to the ground just as Jake and Helen walk away) Heather - Okay, next is the old bell tower in the center of campus -- the histor ical meeting place of... Quinn - That sounds really interesting. Which historic street are all the frater nities on? Daria - My sister wants to study group psychology. Heather - Right. (on fraternity row) (Quinn drinks in the atmosphere as a female student approaches) Quinn - At last... college. Girl - Aren't you a Theta pledge? Quinn - Well, uh... yes. Yes, I am. Girl - Then you'd better get over there and help clean the house steps, or the C ouncil of Ancients will give you a noodle whipping you won't soon forget. Daria - A whipping. It's nice that they keep some of the old traditions. Quinn - Yes, ma'am. I was just directing these girls to the hair and nail salon. You know, community service. Girl - You're excused. But make it quick. Do you have your scrub brush? Quinn - No, ma'am. Girl - (hands toothbrush to Quinn) Good luck, pledge. (leaves) Daria - Quinn, you're in high school. Quinn - Listen, Daria. I don't stop you from reading. Don't stop me from this. ( leaves) Heather - She's God's problem now, kid. Let's get out of here. This place gives me the creeps. (in Jake's old dorm room) (several students are lounging around and listening to music as Jake and Helen l ook on) Helen - Well... it smells like your old room.

Jake - Hey, guys, what's going down? You know, I think this might have been my c rib when I went here. It's "crib" now, right? (laughs, then stops when he realiz es no one is paying attention to him) We're just going to have a quick look-see, okay? Okay. (they approach a nerdy-looking boy working on a computer) Helen - How refreshing to see someone doing school work. Guy - Actually, I'm sending an erotic letter to a female inmate I met on the Int ernet. I think she's female. (Helen walks over to the window and looks out over the campus) Helen - Remember when I used to walk through the courtyard? You and all the othe r guys would lean out the window and shout obscene comments. (laughs) College me n. Animals! (beat) Quinn! (runs out) Jake - Don't worry, men. The situation is under control. Hey, can any of you dud es tell me how to get to the Bursar's office? (beat) Okay, no problem, I'll find it myself. (in Heather's room) (Daria, Heather, and her roommates are watching television) Daria - So this is college? Heather - Pretty much. There's also the part about working a stupid job and begg ing your parents for money. Deliveryman - Heather? (hands paper to Heather) Heather - My psych term paper. Finally. Nobody respects deadlines anymore. (Daria reads the paper; her eyes go wide) Daria - Uh, you paid somebody to write this for you? Heather - It was a collaboration. My part was to say how long it should be and w hen it was due. Daria - But the first paragraph doesn't even make sense. How much did you pay fo r this? Heather - Fifty bucks. Daria - I can fix this for you for ten bucks. Heather - Really? Great. Roommate #1 - Wow. You know anything about the English Civil War? Roommate #2 - How about Renaissance painting? Daria - What I don't know, I can fake. But cash only. I don't take checks from c ollege students. (on campus)

(Helen is talking to another student; he's rather nervous at being talked to by Helen) Helen - Her name's Quinn, and she looks, well... a lot like me. Some people say sisters even. Of course, I was a young mother. Too young, really. How old do you think I am? Guy - I don't really, um... I... Helen - Forty-s... forty-three. That is, in five years I'll be 43. Seems like on ly yesterday I was partying with the best of them. I was pretty wild. Still am, when I feel like it. But you're a college man. You probably know all about that. Guy - Um, I'm just a freshman and I... we're not really supposed to... I get hea daches sometimes 'cause I'm allergic to things. And I... I sort of have to go no w, bye. (runs away) Helen - Well, if you see her, just tell her I'm looking for her. (mutters) Colle ge punk. (in the Bursar's office) Jake - I just can't figure out what all this is paying for. Bursar - I understand your feelings, Mr. Morgendorffer. Many of our parents expe rience similar sticker shock, if I may. (laughs) That's why I refer a lot of our parents to this institution. It's not a bank, but a family business that unders tands families. They can set you up with a cash loan on very agreeable terms. Jake - What's this address? Bursar - It's a candy store. That's their business. They sell candy. And make lo ans. Oh, and haul trash. They got a variety of interests, actually. (slyly) You play the ponies, Jake? (in Heather's dorm room) (Daria is sitting at a computer as a group of girls line up) Daria - Okay, look, I'm not going to rewrite this paper for you, but I will give you a couple of tips that will help you rewrite it. First, the book title Sons and Lovers does not have an apostrophe in it... anywhere. Second, unless your ex -boyfriend is an authority on D.H. Lawrence, don't base your thesis on something he said while making out. Girl - Mm. What about something he said when we broke up? Daria - No. Girl - Mmm. Okay, thanks. (hands Daria money and leaves) Daria - Thank you, and good luck with the doctorate. Heather - You seem pretty comfortable with the brain-dead. So, let's go to a par ty. (on campus) (Helen is taping a photo of Daria and Quinn on a bulletin board; as she bends do wn to pick up the tape, a rapid stapling of papers covers the photo)

Geek - Excuse me, ma'am. Could I trouble you for your underwear? Helen - Say what? Geek - (whispers) Your panties. May I have them? Helen - Why, you little bastard! Oh, wait a minute, hold on here... are you in a fraternity? Geek - Yes, ma'am. Sigma Stigmata, a.k.a., "Sigma Yo' Mama!" (chuckling) Helen - This is a prank, isn't it? Geek - Sort of, ma'am. See, it's a Stigmata tradition to fly a Middleton woman's panties from our flagpole. Helen - You guys! Geek - But since the house moved off-campus, we found that student panties aren' t big enough to be seen from the quad. I've been observing you, ma'am. I think y our underwear just might do the trick! Helen - Do the trick?! I'll do the trick to you, you little twerp! And your brot hers, too! Frat geek! (she starts to chase the geek, but gives up as a breathless Jake runs up to her) Jake - Helen! Helen! Terrible news. Helen - Oh, my God, the girls! Jake - No, no. Helen - What's happened? Jake - (panting) Tuition... crippling expense... maybe we can just... send... on e of them... to college... Quinn... go... to beauty... school. Helen - Jake... get a grip. Right now, we don't even know where they are! Jake - (panting) Right. Then... let's go... campus police. Helen - The fuzz? Jake - (panting) We're... parents... now. Police... good. Missing daughters... b ad. Helen - You're right. Those poor kids are probably scared to death. (at fraternity house) (Quinn is talking to three fraternity guys, who are rather big and dumb-looking) Quinn - Okay, look. I can't play the game for you, but I will give you a couple of tips so you can play. As you go around counting off, for every number that ha s a three in it or is a multiple of three, you say, "zoom." Every multiple of se ven, or number with a seven in it, you say, "schwartz!" Frat Guy #1 - Can't we just play the one with the quarter?

Quinn - But you look so cute when you say funny words. Besides, shouldn't you be saving your quarters for taking us out? Frat Guy #1 - One... Frat Guy #2 - Two... Frat Guy #3 - Zoom. Quinn - Good! (outside fraternity house) (Quinn is hoisted on the shoulders of several frat guys as others circle around them) Frat Guys - (chanting) Keg... Queen. Keg... Queen. Keg... Queen. (Daria and Heather approach) Heather - Ah, they've chosen the Keg Queen. It's a huge honor. She gets to drive the kegs to and from the distributor. (siren wails in the distance) Daria - Wait a minute. That's no queen -- that's my sister. And she doesn't even have a learner's permit. (campus police car pulls up; Jake and Helen emerge from the back seat as the fra t guys set Quinn down on the ground) Helen - Quinn! What did they do to you?! Quinn - They made me their queen! Isn't it great?! Daria - I think now would be a good time to teach Quinn about personal responsib ility. Helen - Young lady, as the elder sister I hold you partially to blame. Daria - But... I stayed with the tour guide. Heather - Hi! (waves) Policeman - Are these your daughters, Mr. Morgendorffer? Jake - Yes, officer. Thank you for your help. Policeman - They appear to be underage, sir. Jake - Well, of course they're...! Quinn - Don't worry, Daddy, I have I.D. Policeman - We have strict rules about minors at fraternity parties. I'm afraid I'm going to have to escort you all off the campus -- immediately. Jake - But...

Policeman - Don't make me use the cuffs, Mr. Morgendorffer. Frat Guy - Can we keep her? Helen - You certainly cannot! Frat Guy - Then can we have your underwear? Helen - You son of a...! (at school) (the college prep class is in session again, this time to discuss the students' college experiences) Instructor - Okay, okay... so, like, let's all talk about our college experience s. Uh... Kevin - My big brothers stripped me naked and covered me with molasses, and left me in the middle of a field at night! It was awesome! Brittany - I had a good time, too. I walked into the student center and these ki ds were reading poetry -- then they let me make up some of my own! And they were really interested in my feelings and thoughts and... stuff. Kevin - Huh? That sounds stupid. Brittany - Shut up, naked boy. Instructor - (to Mack) How about you? Mack - I learned about the first-string exemption. Turns out if you make the sta rting squad, you never have to take any exams. Instructor - All right! Mack - Yeah. I'm looking forward to a great education. May I please have my mone y back now? Instructor - (chuckles and mutters) You little... oh, and you two. How did you l ike the famous Middleton College? Quinn - Daria got us thrown out. Daria - I got us thrown out? I beg to differ, Keg Queen. Kevin - Keg Queen?! Can I have your autograph? Quinn - Dream on, naked boy. Instructor - Whoa, whoa, wait a minute! You got thrown out of Middleton? I, I ju st can't understand you kids sometimes. In my day, we had a little something cal led respect. Kevin - Uh, are we going to need to know this, or is this, like, personal advice or something? (instructor rolls his eyes) (Daria and Jane are walking home)

Jane - Thrown out of college without enrolling first. I'm damn proud of you. Daria - Thanks. Jane - How's business? Daria - Booming. I have two econ problem sets and a paper on Kerouac that I have to get to the delivery guy by 9:00 P.M.... and then, I quit. Jane - But you're just getting started. Daria - I already feel burned out on college and I'm still in high school. (at Daria's house) (Daria walks in the door and sees the rest of the family seated in the living ro om) Jake - Hey, Daria, come on in! Daria - Uh... what happened? (sits next to Quinn) Quinn - Nothing -- only somebody in this family turned out to be college materia l. Helen - Quinn was accepted to Manatee College in Florida! Quinn - Remember those stupid worksheets we had to fill out for that course? Min e won. Jake - I'm so proud of you, honey. Quinn - Manatee... it sounds kind of European, don't you think? Daria - Uh, did you guys read this letter? Helen - Yes, and it says right there that she's in. Daria - And here at the bottom it also says, "Manatee College has no classes, bu t offers beachfront accommodations at a cost of $10,000 per semester." Quinn - That's even better than we thought, right, Dad? Jake - Give me that! (grabs letter and reads, his good mood evaporating) (doorbell rings) (Jake and Helen answer the door; the college geek is on the stoop, holding an en velope) Geek - Hi, sir. This is something for your daughter, Daria. She wrote a paper fo r me. Jake - And she made you pay in cash? Geek - Yes, sir. Jake - (to Helen) Good girl.

Helen - Jake! Geek - Hi, ma'am! Remember me? Helen - No! (slams door) (at Pizza King) (Daria and Jane are eating pizza by the window) Daria - By the way, do you mind paying for this? I'm broke. Jane - What happened to all your paper-writing money? Daria - My mom wouldn't let me keep it. She said it was wrong to encourage cheat ers and to profit from them. Jane - So, she's giving up being a lawyer? Daria - I asked her that, and I'm sure some day we'll once again be on speaking terms. Jane - All in all, then, the whole college experience kind of sucked. Daria - Pretty much. Jane - Does that mean these are the best years of our lives? Daria - I hope not. Quinn - Uh! (Daria and Jane glance over to find Quinn throwing a soda in the college class i nstructor's face) Quinn - I should have known Daria was right about that making-out scholarship! ( leaves) Daria - But you've gotta admit, there are some pretty choice moments. Episode Guide Transcripts Cafe Disaffecto Episode #104 Written by Glenn Eichler (Transcript created by Richard Lobinske) (opening theme song) (it's dark outside the alt.lawndale.com cybercaf; suddenly, a brick is thrown thr ough a window, the alarm goes off, and thieves make off with computer equipment moments before the police arrive) (at Lawndale High) (Mack and Kevin are at Mack's locker) Kevin - Come on, Mack Daddy! I'll get the coach to write us a note. I'll say we need extra time on the free weights.

Mack - Don't call me that, okay? And they're not gonna excuse you from English f or weight training. Kevin - I can't take anymore of this Shakespeare dude, bro. He's, like, a total chick writer! Brittany - (walking by) Hi, Mack! Hi... (suggestively) ...Romeo. Kevin - See? Mack - Maybe we'll start Hamlet today. That has a skull in it. Kevin - Really? (Daria arrives, only to find that Kevin is leaning against her locker) Daria - Excuse me. Kevin - (moves to let Daria through) Daria, you're a chick, right? Daria - Why? You have a biology test today? Kevin - Like, why should I be interested in anything this Shakespeare guy says? Daria - You? Well... Hamlet has a skull in it. (in English class) Mr. O'Neill - Class, I thought today we'd take a break from the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet to discuss the real life tragedy that happened last night here in La wndale. Let's share our feelings of violation following the loss of our beloved cybercaf, alt.lawndale.com. Who would like to start? (looks at Kevin) Charles? Ch arles, did you hear me? Kevin - You mean, Kevin? Mr. O'Neill - (looks at seating charts) Kevin, heh. I'm sorry. You uh, look like somebody else. What do you have to say about last night's horrible event? Kevin - I was home all night. You can ask my parents. Besides, I already have a computer. Mr. O'Neill - No, Kevin. I mean, how did the theft make you feel? Kevin - Um... sad? Mr. O'Neill - Are you asking me or telling me? Kevin - Angry? Mr.O'Neill - Hmmm... Jodie, how about you? Jodie - I think the cybercaf served one very particular segment of the community, but it still pisses me off when people take what isn't theirs. Kevin - That's how I feel! Mr. O'Neill - Thank you, Kevin. Jodie, about that word, "community." Isn't that the whole idea of a cybercaf? To jack us into the global community? I think what'

s most disturbing about this crime is the symbolism involved. Don't you agree, J ane? Jane - No. Mr. O'Neill - Suddenly, we're cut off. We can't hail our friends across the glob e and say, "It's a beautiful day in the cyberhood." They didn't just take a few computers. They took the symbol of our virtual community. To visit alt.lawndale. com was to come together with the planet! Daria - Oh, come on. Mr. O'Neill - Yes? Daria - Come together with the planet? By staring at a screen for hours? Sitting in a room full of people you never say a word to? Mr. O'Neill - Hmm. Interesting point, Dorian. Daria - Daria. Mr. O'Neill - (looks at seating chart and slaps spider crawling on it) Uh! Damn spiders. Daria, you believe that while connecting Lawndale citizens to our globa l neighbors, the cafe was alienating us from each other. Daria - I'm saying if you really miss the place, put a Mr. Coffee in the compute r lab. Mr. O'Neill - So, in your opinion, what we really need is a return to the tradit ional coffee house of yore, where you'd watch some performers and share a cup wi th your friends, face to face. Jane - You're a visionary. Mr. O'Neill - Right here and now, let's pledge to make Daria's dream a reality. Daria - You mean the one where people walking down the street burst into flames? Mr. O'Neill - The coffee house! We'll plan it, locate it, raise the money, and o pen it! Daria - Would that qualify as an extracurricular activity? Mr. O'Neill - Of course. Daria - Then I'd like to register as a conscientious objector. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria and Jake sit at the kitchen table, reading newspapers) Helen - (walking by) Hi! Gotta change, dinner meeting. Jake - Did something happen? Daria - Hmm... depends on your perspective. Quinn - (walking by) Hi! No dinner for me! Emergency meeting of the Fashion Club !

Daria - I'll make up a nice plate for you and cover it up with cling wrap. Jake - That was Quinn. Daria - Yes, but you still haven't identified our first mystery guest. Helen - (comes back into kitchen) Dammit. I just called Eric for directions and he said the meeting's canceled. Well, that just gives us the chance for a family dinner. Daria - I'll throw another steak on the grill. Quinn - (walks in) Later. (aaaaand walks out again) Helen - Where's she going? Daria - Crisis at the Fashion Club. Someone woke up with frosted hair. Helen - (sits) You know, Daria, it wouldn't hurt if you got involved in some aft er school projects once in a while. Daria - Can't talk now. I'm chairing a meeting of the Resting Quietly Club. Helen - I'm serious. When you apply to college, they're gonna be looking for tha t kind of thing. Right, Jake? Jake - Hmm. Daria - They're going to be looking to see whether I can pay for school. This mi ght be a good time to talk about setting up a trust? Helen - Jake, tell her. (grabs newspaper) Tell her! Jake - Yes, what? Helen - About the importance of extracurricular activities for getting into coll ege. Jake - Oh. Well, these days it's more about whether you can pay. Helen - You're not helping me. Daria - Have you thought about a living will, Dad? Jake - Do you think I need one? Helen - Just think about it, Daria. That's all I ask. Daria - Fair enough. Helen - Because otherwise, we might have to make up for it over the summer. Send you to music camp. Daria - You wouldn't. Jake - What a great idea. How come you don't ever play the flute anymore, Daria? Daria - Because you ran over it when I was in fifth grade, which was two years a fter I quit playing anyway. Which is why I would have to interpret music camp as punishment for doing something very, very wrong.

Helen - Nonsense. It would just be an easy way of getting some extracurricular a ctivity on your college applications... if you weren't able to come up with any on your own. Daria - You're good. When you put your mind to it, you're very, very good. Jake - Sure she is! Helen - You'll find something to get involved with. It'll be fun. Jake - (looks around) Where's Quinn? (at Lawndale High) (Daria enters Mr. O'Neill's classroom; O'Neill, seated at teacher's desk, is the only one present; seeing Daria enter, he quickly scans the seating charts) Mr. O'Neill - Oh... Daria - It's Daria. Mr. O'Neill - Hi, Daria. What's up? Daria - I want to volunteer to work on the coffeehouse. Mr. O'Neill - Fantastic! What made you change your mind? Daria - Did anyone ever make you practice "Pop Goes the Weasel" on the flute eve ry day for a year? Mr. O'Neill - Um, no... but I once had to recite the Gettysburg Address wearing a rainbow wig and panties that said "Tuesday." Whatever made me want to join a f raternity. (laughs) Anyway, that's great! I guess you want to read one of your e ssays. Daria - No, I wasn't actually thinking about performing. Mr. O'Neill - Maybe that one about feeling like a big misfit whom everybody hate s. The other kids will really relate to that. I know I do. Daria - I don't know if that's such a great idea. That's the one that compares t he sophomore class to barnyard animals. It names names. Mr. O'Neill - Oh, yeah. Daria - I'm really not much of a performer. I'm thinking more along the lines of fundraising? Mr. O'Neill - Oh. Well, we're selling magazines, CDs, and wrapping paper. Jump i n! Daria - Can I go with my friend Jane? Mr. O'Neill - Sure! She wants to help out? Daria - Mmm-hmm. She's a big joiner. (at the Lane house)

(Jane is painting and Daria is seated on Jane's bed) Jane - No way, baby. Daria - Come on. Do it for friendship. Jane - I have no friends. I walk alone. Daria - Well, then, do it for sisterhood or something. Jane - Are you nuts? Daria - Then do it for the opportunity to look inside people's houses and find o ut what screwed-up tastes they have. Jane - I'm bringing a Polaroid. (on the streets of Lawndale) (Kevin and Brittany walk down sidewalk) Brittany - This is fun! Kevin - Yeah, people get a kick out of seeing someone from the Lawndale Lions. Brittany - You were so smart to wear your jersey, Kevin. Kevin - Awww... (Kevin and Brittany go up to a house and ring the doorbell) Brittany - Have you been practicing your lines for the coffeehouse? Kevin - Awww, they give me a headache, babe. Brittany - Kevin, please learn them. Or I might get a headache. Kevin - What do you mean? (Mr. DeMartino opens the door; he is wearing an apron and chef's hat while holdi ng a chicken) Mr. DeMartino - Well, well. Kevin and Brittany. What a delightful surprise. Kevin - Ah, hi! Mr. DeMartino - You've come, no doubt, to apologize for your academic performanc e. Kevin - Um, no! Brittany - But we are sorry about, like, our grades and stuff. Mr. DeMartino - Well, then, to what do I owe the pleasure? Kevin - We're raising money for the new Lawndale young adult's coffee house! Wou ld you like to buy some holiday wrapping paper? Brittany - We've got religious, festive, and/or monteldomitational!

Kevin - That's nondominational babe. Brittany - Yeah! Nondominational! Mr. DeMartino - What an attractive offer. Too bad the holidays aren't for months ! Kevin - How about a magazine subscription? Brittany - Would you like to join a CD or cassette club? Twenty albums for a pen ny, and no obligation to buy, ever! Kevin - How would you like to receive regular blooming flower seeds every month? Mr. DeMartino - It's good to see you both enterprising! I could make a trite obs ervation about wishing you were as enterprising toward your school work as you a re to this effort to find financing for a new place to loaf, but am I the sort o f man who engages in trite observations, Brittany? Brittany - Uhh... no? Mr. DeMartino - Excellent, Brittany. Now, while you're on a roll, am I the sort of man who you suppose believes in underwriting the indolence of students who al ready display the work habits of garden slugs? Brittany - Uh... I'll go with "no" again? Mr. DeMartino - Very good, Brittany! Now, Kevin, given what we have learned from Brittany's razor sharp observations, is there anything more you'd like to say b efore departing from my doorstep in an uncomfortable hurry? Kevin - Uhhh, do you wanna buy a chocolate bar? (at another house [which we learn belongs to a guy named Danny], the door is ope ned to reveal Quinn) Quinn - Hi! I'm selling long distance phone cards. Danny - I just use a credit card. Quinn - Oh. Well, are you really happy with the service? Danny - Um, uh, it's fine. Quinn - I mean, are you really happy? Danny - I don't get you. W-why shouldn't I be? Quinn - I mean, like, are you ever, like, really looking forward to talking to s omeone, and then you can't hear them because of crackling and static? Danny - Not... Quinn - I mean, I know that if I were your friend and you were calling me, I'd w ant to listen to you, not some static. I mean, you have a really nice voice. You r friend should be able to hear it. Danny - They usually, uh... Quinn - Just pretend you're calling me.

Danny - What? Quinn - Really, just try it. My name's Quinn. What's your name? Danny - Danny. Quinn - So, call me, Danny. Danny - Hello? Uh, Quinn? Quinn - Danny? Is that you? Danny - Hi! Quinn? Quinn - Speak up, Danny, I can't hear you. Danny - Hi! Quinn? It's me, Danny. Quinn - I've been thinking about you all day. The way your hair falls over your eyes when you laugh. I can't get it out of my head. Danny - Really? Quinn - You gotta speak up, Danny. Listen, do you want to come over tonight? My folks went away for the whole weekend. Danny - Yeah! I mean, um, s-sure, Quinn. Quinn - Oh, that's okay, Danny, I understand. I'll see if Pete wants to come ove r. Danny - But I said... Quinn - Bye! Danny - Wait! Quinn - Click. See what can happen with bad long distance service, Danny? Danny - Who's Pete? (at another house, Daria and Jane ring the doorbell; the door is answered by the very overweight Mrs. Johannsen, who is wheezing heavily) Daria - Um, hi. I'm selling chocolate bars for the new student coffeehouse. Mrs. Johannsen - New coffeehouse? Jane - Our cybercaf got trashed. Mrs. Johannsen - Well, I enjoy chocolate. Doctor says I'm not supposed to have t oo much of it, but he wouldn't mind if it's for a good cause. (Mrs. Johannsen steps to the side, and Jane raises camera and takes a photograph ; after a second, Mrs. Johannsen returns, looking inside her purse) Mrs. Johannsen - Just... just a second, girls. Daria - Are you all right?

Mrs. Johannsen - Yeah, yeah. Just, just, I was in the basement when the doorbell rang. Need to catch my breath a little. How many chocolate bars you got there? Daria - We've got about two boxes. That's twenty-four. Mrs. Johannsen - Tell you what: I'll take all of them. Jane - All of them? Really? Daria - You sure that's okay with your doctor? Mrs. Johannsen - It's okay as long as he don't know about it! Dammit! Where's th at purse? (Mrs. Johannsen then coughs, faints, and falls to ground) (at Mrs. Johannsen's house) (Daria and Jane look in through the door at Mrs. Johannsen, who has passed out o n the floor) Daria - Uh-oh. Jane - Did she hit her head? Daria - I don't think so. Jane - Do you know CPR or anything? Daria - I once gave the Heimlich maneuver to Quinn. Jane - Did it work? Daria - She wasn't choking. Jane - We should be doing something now. I'm sure of it. Daria - Yeah, I think you're right. (after a moment, Jane takes another picture, which coincides with Mrs. Johannsen recovering from her fainting spell) Mrs. Johannsen - (standing up) Damn hypoglycemia. I'm sorry, girls, I'm holding up the works. Okay, now. How much apiece on those chocolate bars? Daria - Ma'am, I'm not sure I can sell you any chocolate bars. Mrs. Johannsen - What's the matter? My money's not good enough for you? Daria - It's not that, it's just... maybe it's not such a good idea. Mrs. Johannsen - Give me those chocolate bars! Jane - Thank you for the offer though, ma'am, and for caring about the students of Lawndale High. Daria - We could call your doctor or the hospital if you like. Otherwise, we'll be going.

(Daria and Jane walk away) Mrs. Johannsen - I don't need a damn doctor, I need a damn chocolate bar! Gimme! I'll pay ya five bucks apiece! Daria - Have a nice day, ma'am. Mrs. Johannsen - I want those chocolate bars! I want chocolate, dammit! Jane - Five dollars apiece. We would've made over a hundred bucks. Daria - Yeah, and all we had to do was take a human life. Jane - You always see the downside, don't you? (at Lawndale High) (Ms. Li is seated at her desk, while Mr. O'Neill stands to one side and attempts to memorize Daria and Jane's names from his seating charts) Mr. O'Neill - Daria... Jane. Daria... Jane. Daria... Jane. (Daria and Jane walk in) Ms. Li - Come in, Ms. Morgendorffer, Ms. Lane. Sit down. (Daria and Jane sit in chairs facing the desk) Ms. Li - The school received a phone call this morning from a Mrs. Johannsen. Sh e said two girls came to her door to sell her chocolate bars, and then suddenly refused to do so. Hmm. Even after she offered five dollars a bar, or more than t wice the asking twice. Daria - She was hypoglycemic. The chocolate would've killed her. Jane - She passed out while we were standing there. Ms. Li - Did she ask you to feed her the chocolate? Daria - No... Ms. Li - How do you know it wasn't for her family? Jane - She has no family. She ate them. Mr. O'Neill - Daria, Jean, we're two hundred dollars short of what we need to op en the coffeehouse. Ms. Li - So, your refusal to sell chocolate to this woman was based purely on co ncern for her welfare. Daria - And not wanting to do time for manslaughter. Ms. Li - You have no overall problem with raising money for the coffeehouse? Daria - I believe in coffee. Coffee for everyone. But I don't want to sell any m ore chocolate bars. It makes me feel dirty. Jane - The bad kind of dirty.

Ms. Li - Well, I can't force you to do fundraising, but I can't give you credit for participating in the coffee house project, either. Mr. O'Neill - Wait. Daria, what about what we discussed? Reading something on op ening night. Daria - I don't think so. Ms. Li - You do want this extracurricular activity, don't you? Jane (quietly to Daria) - Pop goes the weasel... Daria - Fine. Mr. O'Neill - Fabulous! Ms. Li - Although I still don't know where we're going to find that two hundred dollars. Well, maybe the freshman volunteers will make up some of it. (Quinn opens door; both hands and her pockets are filled with cash) Quinn - Hi. You got anymore of those phone cards? (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria lies on the floor in her bedroom, reading through papers, while Jane sits on the bed) Daria - How about, "The Bleakness That Lies Ahead"? Jane - Too sentimental. Daria - "No Life, No Hope, No Future"? Jane - Too pie in the sky. Daria - "Mommy's Little Hypocrite"? Jane - Too much like a children's book. Daria - I wish I were dead. Jane - That sounds promising. Listen, you gotta give them something they'll real ly appreciate. Picture Kevin and Brittany drinking in your words like an elixir of knowledge. Heady... potent... seductive. Daria - Are you marketing your own fragrance now? (sighs) I'm going to have to w rite something new for the occasion. (at Caf Lawndale, formerly alt.lawndale.com) (a scruffy-looking guy is playing the guitar on stage) Guy - (singing) "Can't stand your lips / Can't stand your eyes / Can't stand you r teeth / Can't stand your thighs / That's why I loathe... you..." (smashes guit ar on stage) Dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit! (Brittany on stage; she is standing high up on a folding ladder and is wearing a pink medieval cap and veil)

Brittany - Oh Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? Kevin (holding skull) - I'm right here, babe! (table of football players cheer Kevin on) Brittany - Deny thy father and refuse thy name! Or thou will't not be but sworn, my love, and I'll no longer be a caplet! Kevin - Hey! Yo! I'm down here! Check it out! Brittany - Check it out? You promised to learn your lines, you, you clown! And w hat's that skull supposed to be? (marches away) Ohhh! Kevin - The skull's cool. (Andrea standing on stage) Andrea - I'm here. But where are you? Sure, I see your body. Anybody home in tha t rotting bag of flesh? (walks off stage) (Daria and Jane seated at table, clapping politely) Jane - See? You don't want to do poetry for this crowd. Daria - You think it's too late for me to learn juggling? Jane - Yep. (Mr. O'Neill steps on stage) Mr. O'Neill - Thank you very much, Andrea. It takes a lot of courage to expose y our raw emotions that way. (a spotlight on her table surprises Andrea, who is drinking from a bottle; she q uickly moves it behind her) Mr. O'Neill - Now, speaking of raw emotions, it's my pleasure to introduce one o f Lawndale High's most gifted writers: Daria Morgendorffer. (Daria walks up on stage and reads from sheaf of papers) Daria - Thank you. Tonight I'd like to read a new story I've written entitled, " Where The Future Takes Us". Brittany (VO) - You insensitive jerk! (sound of breaking glass) Kevin (VO) - Ow! Daria - As students standing at choices. How do we prepare for to prepare, as she checked the holster. She thought about all the the fit the dawn of a brand new century, we face certain future? Melody Powers knew how she was going one more time on her tooled leather shoulder communists she would be taking out tonight.

(view of bored crowd becoming interested) Daria - Melody harbored no illusions about unilaterally stemming the resurging r ed tide. "But," she reflected with a grim smile, "what special agent could resis

t the opportunity to fill a few Bolshevik cemeteries?" (view of Mr. O'Neill at the stage wing, looking shocked, worried or frightened) (time passes; fade back to Daria on stage) Daria - As Melody sun-bathed on the Rio beach, she looked back upon the past few days with a certain quiet satisfaction: twelve dead Russians, five dead Chinese , three or four dead Cubans. The world was once again safe for democracy, she re flected while watching Tonio's exquisite chest rise and fall with his light snor ing. (brief view of Brittany and Kevin at a table; Brittany is very attentive to stor y, Kevin has a black eye) Daria - Safe for democracy, or almost safe. Melody brushed some errant grains of sand off her fingers, tied her top back on, and reached into her beach bag. Ton io heard nothing, and that was a pity, because he would never hear anything agai n. "So long, Tonio," she thought as she calmly stood up. "I could have loved you , if you weren't as red as the blood stain now spreading across the sand." (Mr. O'Neill hides face in hands) Daria - Melody walked calmly away toward the hotel. There'd be a message there f rom HQ, no doubt. She hoped she had time to shower. (the audience is silent for a moment; then, Kevin jumps up and cheers, followed by the rest of the audience) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria, Jake, and Quinn are seated at the kitchen table for breakfast; Jake is r eading from a newspaper) Jake - "Caf Lawndale closed until further notice." Isn't that the coffeehouse you were working for? Daria - Yeah, but I already got my extra credit. They can't take it away now. Jake - "School authorities have decided to close Lawndale's new young adult coff eehouse after its opening night somehow turned into an anti-communist rally. 'So me unscheduled propagandizing went on and the students reacted a little too favo rably,' explained coffeehouse director Timothy O'Neill, a teacher at Lawndale Hi gh." Helen - (enters) Breakfast meeting at the Royalton. (leaves) Daria - But you haven't even tasted my souffl. Jake - "Following a reading of some right-wing literature, several members of th e football marched down North Avenue, intending to stone the Russian Embassy. Of course, there are no embassies in Lawndale." Wow! Did you girls know anything a bout this? Quinn - I wasn't there. I had a real date. Jake - "'Teens are impressionable,' O'Neill said, 'and the last thing we want is to build a base of operations for political extremists.'" Daria, did you have a ny idea we had these kinds of radicals here in town?

Daria - No, but we've got to maintain constant vigilance against those who'd man ipulate us into taking actions we'd never take on our own. Jake - I'll say! (Daria hums "Pop Goes the Weasel") (it's dark outside Caf Lawndale; suddenly, a brick is thrown through a window, th e alarm goes off, and thieves make off with the espresso machine moments before the police arrive) (closing credits) Episode Guide Transcripts Malled Episode #105 Written by Neena Beber (Transcript created by Richard Lobinske) (opening theme song) (at the Morgendorffer house) (everyone is seated around the kitchen table, except for Jake, who's in mid-rant ) Jake - A hundred miles? To go to a mall? Dammit, there's a mall five minutes awa y! Helen - Sit down, dear. We're not going. Jake - Ohhhhh. Oh. (sits in chair) Quinn - It's not a mall, it's a super mall! The Mall of the Millennium. Shop the re forever! Daria - If you play that John Lennon song backwards, it says, "Imagine all the p eople, browsing in a mall." Isn't that weird? Helen - It's too far away, Quinn, and you've done enough shopping for this quart er. Quinn - Muh-om! As vice president of the Fashion Club, I need to know what's out there! Jake - Vice president? Did you know she was vice president, Helen? Helen - Yes, Jake. Jake - Of the Fashion Club! Helen - Yes, Jake. Vice president of the Fashion Club. Jake - Do you think this tie works? (holds tie out for Quinn's inspection) Quinn - Hmmm. (holds tie in hand) It's nice, Daddy, but I think a mandarin colla r would really set off your strong jaw line. Now, if you drive me to the Mall of the Millennium...

Helen - No more malls until you bring up your grade point average. Jake - Exactly. What's wrong with her grade point average? Quinn - How will I hold my head up in the Fashion Club? Daria - A traction pulley? Quinn - Just because you're not interested in what's new and attractive and popu lar... Daria - Oh, I'm interested. But why go a mere 100 miles away? I bet they have so me fascinating malls in Southeast Asia. Jake - Southeast Asia? To go to a mall? Dammit! Helen - Sit down, dear. It was a joke. Jake - Ohhhhh. Oh. (at Lawndale High School) (in Economics class, Mrs. Bennett is drawing one of her infamous incomprehensibl e diagrams) Mrs. Bennett - In economics, we call this flow. We have a scenario of supply and demand, where a new demand is created by a previous supply. Does everyone follo w? (pause) Can anyone give me a concrete representation of this abstract theory? (long pause, then sigh) Daria? Daria - If we're talking concrete, I'd have to go with that repository of human greed and debasement: the mall. Mrs. Bennett - Very good, Daria. The mall is a very beautiful illustration of al l these economic principles. In fact, it would make for an excellent field trip. Kevin - All right! Field trip! (leans over to Daria) Where are we going, man? Daria - The field. Kevin - Cool. Mrs. Bennett - We'll visit that brand new Mall of the Millennium. It's a perfect emblem of a modern day economic structure. Daria - Um, I think that's a really bad idea. Mrs. Bennett - Don't be silly, Daria. It's your idea and it's perfect. Jane - I second Daria. The mall is a dangerous influence on today's teens and th e fluorescent lights give you seizures. Mrs. Bennett - We'll take a vote. All in favor of a class trip to the mall next Friday instead of our usual surprise quiz? (everyone but Daria and Jane cheer) Mrs. Bennett - All opposed?

(Daria and Jane raise their hands) Brittany - This is great! Kevin and I love going to the mall during school. (Mrs . Bennett frowns) I mean, between classes. I mean... what do I mean, babe? Kevin - What's the difference, babe? You look hot. Daria - I'm sorry, Mrs. Bennett. I can't go to the mall. I have a skin condition . Mrs. Bennett - What are you talking about, Daria? Daria - If I'm in an enclosed space for too long, I get hives. Mrs. Bennett - But you're in an enclosed space now. Daria - Yes... and I'm really itchy? Jane - These hives get bad, Mrs. Bennett, I've seen them. They drip with puss. (class reacts with revulsion and Daria glares at Jane) Jane - Just trying to help. (on the school bus) Kevin - (sings) Seventy eight bottles of beer on the wall, seventy eight bottles of beer! If one of those bottles should happen to fall, seventy-seven bottles o f... Brittany - Babe? That's a really cute song and all, but do you think you could s top for a while? Kevin - Sorry, babe. We always sing that song on the team bus. It makes us fierc e! Brittany - You're not on the team bus now. I'm not your teammate. I'm your girlf riend! We talked about the difference, remember? Kevin - Sorry... Brittany - Would you rather do what we do... with your teammates? Kevin - Blah! Brittany - All right, then. (Kevin starts humming the song, and Brittany hits him) (Mrs. Bennett stands in front of the bus, lecturing the students) Mrs. Bennett - Sealed in glass though it may be, in its own way the mall can be viewed as a living organism. Kevin - Mack Daddy, did you hear what Mrs. B just called the mall? Mack - She said "organism." That's not the same as "orgasm." And stop me calling that, okay? Kevin - Babe, did you hear what Mrs. B called the mall?

Brittany - Yeah... (Kevin and Brittany start to make out; Jodie and Mack endure the uncomfortable n oises as best they can) Jodie - Do you think it would dishonor Dr. King's memory if I went to sit in the back of the bus? Mack - At least he's not singing. (Kevin hums song while making out with Brittany) (Upchuck approaches a seat with two girls) Upchuck - Hey, sweet baby, how'd you like to spend some do-re-me, huh? I need so me models for this... um... (girl crosses arms and looks away) Upchuck - Sorry. (Upchuck goes to Jane and Daria) Upchuck - Ladies! Are you aware of the advantages of a gold card? (he shows them a credit card) Very advantageous when it belongs to your father. Dad wants me t o pick up some bikinis for his secretary. (short laugh) But I need a couple of m odels. The two of you are about her size. What do you say, gals? Jane - Upchuck, are you aware that many therapists now accept credit cards? (pau se) Daria? Daria - I feel sick. Can someone open a window? (Jane attempts to open window and fails) Upchuck - Allow me, fair maiden. (Upchuck reaches past and grunts while trying to open window, but also fails; he continues to try through Daria and Jane's conversation) Jane - I didn't know you got car sick. Daria - I don't, usually. It's the fumes. It smells like... it smells like... Jane - Teen spirit? Daria - Cheap perfume. Jane - Brittany must be working up a sweat. Mrs. Bennett - The modern day mall evolved when shopkeepers, a.k.a. merchants, d iscovered the benefits to joining economic forces. (bus hits rough spot on road and jostles Mrs. Bennett) Um, where was I? (pan to Kevin and Brittany, who are now decidedly mussed up) Brittany - Mrs. B! Mrs. B! Mrs. Bennett - What, Brittany?

Brittany - Do you mind if we do a cheer? Mrs. Bennett - Um, go ahead, Brittany. Kevin - Hey! How about a hundred bottles of... (Brittany hits him) (Brittany stands at front of bus with pom poms) Brittany - Okay everybody, let's make it a keeper! (chants) "Where are we going? The mall! What are we spending? Money! Money! Mall! Mall! Money! Mall! Mall! Mo ney! Go class!" (leaps up and lands doing a split) Kevin - Yeah! (at the Mall of the Millennium) (parking lot tram pulls away from school bus) Announcer (VO) - Welcome to the Mall of the Millennium, the world's second or th ird largest mall... (pan to Kevin and Brittany; Brittany suddenly reacts) Brittany - Kevin, not now, okay? Kevin - Not now what, babe? (Brittany turns and scowls at a leering Upchuck, who's obviously copped a feel) (pan to Daria and Jane; Daria is very, very green around the gills) Daria - I think I'm going to be sick. Jane - Um, could it possibly wait? (tram stops at front of Mall, accompanied by various "ooohs!" and "aaahs!" as pa ssengers begin exiting the tram) Daria - I know I'm going to be sick. (she then doubles over and vomits onto the pavement, with Jane looking on dispas sionately) Jane - Bienvenidos a la Mall of the Millennium. (at the Mall of the Millennium) (Mrs. Bennett is trying to read a map while addressing the class; kids can be he ard screaming as cars from the indoor rollercoaster speed past them) Mrs. Bennett - We're in area B, section Pink, and we need to get to area C, sect ion Orange. So, if we just bear right at area L, section Blue... oh, wait, sorry . Wrong level. Kevin - Look, Mack Daddy! The Sports Shorts! A whole store full of shorts for sp orts! Mack - Uh-huh.

(Mrs. Bennett walks with class while reading the map) Mrs. Bennett - Everyone, we'll walk down R Moss, and turn right at Q Canary. Ple ase keep the flow, people, please keep the flow. Brittany - Who would ever guess there'd be so many colors? The person who though t them all up must be a genius. Jane - Yeah, and we haven't even gotten to puke green yet. (glances at Daria, wh o still looks queasy) Oh, yeah. Mrs. Bennett - Left at N Cranberry. Wait, is that cranberry or magenta? Jane, yo u're an artist. Jane - It's cranapple. Upchuck - Mrs. B? Can we please stop for a minute at Bikini Island? I'd like to buy a few trifles for the ladies, and perhaps you'd care to pick out something f or yourself? Mrs. Bennett - Not now, Charles. We'll be late for our meeting with the mall exe cutives. I had to work very hard to arrange this. These are very important, very busy... oh, oh, oooooh! Upchuck - What is it, Mrs. B? (Mrs. Bennett runs to a storefront and looks in) Mrs. Bennett - The Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee-Bit Shop! Herbert and I collect Fuzzy Wuzzy W ee Bits! Aren't they adorable? Look, a Fuzzy Wuzzy Wee Bits cactus! And look at that little bunny rabbit with its own Fuzzy Wuzzy carrot! (laughs) (in a conference room, three mall executives talk to the students gathered aroun d large table; one wall of the room is mirrored) Executive - And of course, when you go to the mall, you look for what? Upchuck - Bikinis! Make that lovely, luscious, ladies in bikinis! Kevin - Yeah... (Brittany hits him) Ow! Upchuck - (growls) Feisty! Jane - I always look for security guards leading away someone in handcuffs. Shop lifters are the best judges of merchandise. Executive - I meant more along the line of the qualities you look for? The store s? What should they be like? (Brittany isn't paying attention; instead, she's posing in front of the mirrored wall) Brittany - Perky... a little bouncy... not too bouncy... Executive - What? Brittany - (jolted back to reality) What? Jodie - I have a question. Do you think our demographic can really be addressed by middle-aged middle managers telling us what's fun to buy?

(the executives are silent; they obviously never expected to deal with a kid in possession of a functioning brain) Executive - How about you? How many times a year do you go to the mall? Daria - Don't people usually get paid for participating in market research? Executive (in strangled voice) - Research? Mrs. Bennett - Now, Daria, these busy executives have been nice enough to give t heir time to help educate us on mall economics. Tell us about flow, would you? Executive - Okay. Daria - I bet that's a two-way mirror. Jane - You mean, if you turn out the lights you can see through it? (Jane reaches back toward a light switch) Executive - Oh, you don't want to do that. (Jane turns off the lights; with the room darkened, three observers can be seen through the two-way mirrored wall) (the executive turns the lights back on amidst murmuring from the students, who have begun to realize what's going on) Executive - The focus group is, um, a very important tool in mall management. We thought that with this live demonstration... (nervous laugh) Jodie - I feel used. I feel abused. I feel that this is not a fun mall after all and the media should be made aware of it. Executive - All right, little lady. (reaches into vest pocket) Here's a coupon f or a free frozen yogurt. Jodie - Don't insult me. Executive - (reaches into pocket again) Make it a ten dollar merchandise coupon? Jane - You're still insulting her. (executive holds up two handfuls of coupons) Executive - Okay, a twenty dollar merchandise coupon for everyone in the class. Daria - You don't get it. There's a principle involved. Jodie - No, there isn't. (joins other students in getting coupons) Daria - So much for idealistic youth. Jane - That's twenty bucks! (goes and gets her own coupon) (students in mall corridor, looking at coupons) Kevin - Books By the Ton. "The country's biggest bookstore?" Aw, man!

Upchuck - The Sports Shorts? Kevin - Aww! Jane - Scissor Wizard. I can actually use a new pair of scissors. Here, I got on e for you. (hands coupon to Daria) Daria - The Doo Dad Shop. Oh, good. I've always wanted my own doo dad. Mrs. Bennett - Daria and Jane, you'll observe traffic patterns at the food conce ssions, and Kevin and Brittany, you will study and report back on shrinkage. Kevin - What's shrinkage? Mrs. Bennett - Shrinkage is the retailing term for shoplifting. I'd like you to analyze its economic impact. Does everyone else understand their assignments? (v arious murmurs of assent) Now, we'll meet back here at quarter to three. Remembe r, area F, section Moss, level three. Got it? F Moss Three. Kevin - I know a good way to remember that. Mrs. Bennett - You have a mnemonic device, Kevin? Kevin - It's not an S&M thing, Mrs. B. It's just a way to remember that. Mrs. Bennett - Let's hear it. Kevin - Fmossthree. Fmossthree! Get it? Fmossthree! Or was it Fmosstwo? Mrs. Bennett - Everyone, write it down! (at the food court, Daria and Jane stand and observe the crowd) Jane - Traffic patterns at the food concessions. Daria - Hmm. I've noticed a pattern. People walk in looking hungry. Jane - And leave, stuffing their face. Daria - Assignment completed. Jane - Now, for extra credit, let's experience the traffic pattern for ourselves . (the Fashion Club and a boy are seated at a food court table) Quinn - I know! A makeover project! We'll find some hideously out of style nobod y and make her look as good as us. (pausing at a glare from Sandi) Almost. Sandi - That's so great, Quinn. I wish I'd had such a brilliant idea. You guys s hould impeach me and make Quinn president! Quinn - Oh, Sandi, I never would have had that idea if it weren't for you. You s aid, "the Fashion Club should do more for the community." You're a great leader. Sandi - That's 'cause you guys are such great leadettes. Stacy - So we'll find, like, a loser poster girl, to show that we really, like, do stuff for people.

Tiffany - But if we do posters, shouldn't we be on them? Sandi - We can have a fundraiser to buy her makeup. Stacy - Cool, a party! Guy - Can I come? Quinn - Listen, um, guy, why don't you just wait in the car for us? Guy - But you said if I drove you I could hang out with you. Quinn - Oh, all right! But don't try to participate, okay? We're in the middle o f a meeting. Stacy - Look! They'd be perfect! (points to two girls, one in green and one in r ed; you can't see their faces, but they look very familiar...) Tiffany - Wow, you're right. They need help. (Fashion Club begins walking over to the mystery girls) Quinn - Especially the one on the left. She really needs volumizer. And maybe so me subtle streaks. Sandi - And a little skort set. Have you seen the new skorts? Really cute. Stacy - Is it a skirt or is it shorts? I love that. Tiffany - I wonder if they make skorts for sports! (Quinn taps the girl in green on the shoulder; she turns around, and to no one's surprise except Quinn's, it's Daria) Quinn - Aaaaahhh! Daria - (smirks) Good to see you, too. (Daria, Jane, and Fashion Club in mall food court) Daria - Well. What an unexpected opportunity for sibling bonding. Quinn - I'm going to be sick. Jane - Is that, like, a family thing? Quinn (to Fashion Club) - Just one sec, guys. I'm interviewing our first makeove r candidate. (Daria, Jane, and Quinn walk away from rest of Fashion Club) Daria - I'm sure Mom and Dad will be really pleased to hear I ran into you. Here at the mall. On this lovely school day. Quinn - Okay, state your terms. Daria - It's weird. I can't think of anything I'd want... from you. Quinn - (half-heartedly) How about a free makeover?

Daria - No, thanks... but, I wouldn't mind taking it easy around the house for a month. Quinn - A month?!? Jane - I'd hold out for cold cash. Daria - Or you can just never set foot inside a mall for the rest of your sorry adolescent life. And a ride home from your little friend would be great. Jane an d I really aren't in the mood to take the bus back. Quinn - Ugh! Fine! Meet us in an hour on level five, area D, section Lavender. Daria - You got that? Jane - Dlavenderfive. Dlavenderfive. Nothing to it. (Fashion Club and guy walk away) Guy - Who was that girl? Quinn - Look, you were hired to drive, not speak, okay? (Daria and Jane walk through the mall) Jane - You got us a ride home. Cool. Daria - No, I blew it. I should've made them drive Upchuck home. (they stop in front of Scissor Wizard) Jane - Hey, look. I can use my coupon. (they enter Scissor Wizard, and discover it's a hair salon) Hairdresser - You got here just in time. (looks at Daria) You're almost in time. Jane - I've got this coupon. (hairdresser leads her to a chair) But I just wante d a pair of scissors. Hairdresser - We don't sell scissors, we cut hair. Which show? Jane - What? Hairdresser - Which TV show do you want your style from? Most of our clients go for a sitcom. Although, you're more the "movie of the week" type. I have a TV Gu ide if you want to browse. Jane - Have you ever seen Sick, Sad World? Hairdresser - No. Daria - How about Animal Maulings on home video? Jane - Yeah, I'd love to have hair like that woman who was molested by the kanga roo. Daria - Really? She looks so every day. Jane - I mean, after she was molested.

Daria - Ohhhh. Jane - Make sure you get, like, the big clods of dirt and stuff in it. Hairdresser - Listen, um, maybe you girls should come back another time. My next appointment's here. Jane - What about my coupon? (hairdresser hands her a can) Mousse? Daria - Hey, how about that guy who was trampled by the moose? Jane - Nah, his hair was too bloody. (outside the Scissor Wizard) Jane - Nice of her to buy that coupon back for cash. Let's do yours next. Daria - I'm really not in the market for a doo dad. Jane - Come on. Let's at least find out what a doo dad is. (Daria and Jane stand in front of the Doo Dad Shop) Jane - What is this stuff? Daria - Who would buy such crappy, useless junk? (Brittany and Kevin come out of the store) Kevin - Fmossthree. Fmossthree. (sings) Hundred bottles of beer on the wall... h undred bottles of beer... Brittany - Did you see the cute little thingy with the cute thingy? Kevin - I got it for you, babe. Brittany - Oh, Kev, this is the first cute thingy that you've bought me since... wait... you didn't steal this, did you? Kevin - It was shrinkage, babe! (Brittany angrily drags Kevin back into the store) (Jane walks into the store, followed by Daria; a bell goes off and the staff rus hes up to Daria, giving her a bundle of balloons) Staff - (singing) When your feeling bad or mad or sad, buy a doo dad! You'll fee l glad! It's not too sad, to buy a doo dad, today! Jane - What are you doing to my friend? (store manager has given Daria an armload of merchandise) Manager - You're our lucky ten-thousandth customer. All these doo dads are yours for free! (pause) Don't you get it? You're our winner! Daria (shocked) - Winner? Jane - You know, it's not a word for loser.

Photographer - On three, everyone... "I love doo dads!" One... two... three... Staff - I love doo dads! (photographer takes picture) (guy drives car, carrying Daria, Jane and Fashion Club; car stops at Lane house and Jane exits front, then stops at Morgendorffer house; Daria exits front) Daria - Thanks for the ride, um, guy. (Quinn exits and has difficulty walking after sitting in the cramped back seat w ith the rest of the Fashion Club) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Jake, Helen, and Daria area seated at the kitchen table, with Quinn picking up dirty plates) Helen - Thank you, sweetheart. You've become so considerate these past couple of weeks. Daria - And I bet she stays that way for another couple of weeks. Jake - That was delicious. Anyone else want a cup of coffee? Quinn - Let me, Dad. (sighs) Let me. Jack - Should we tell them? Helen - Lets. Jake - Girls... Helen - I was a little hard on you the other day, Quinn, so Dad and I thought it would be fun to take you to a movie at the new Super Mega Multiplex. And Daria, after the movie we'll stop at Books By the Ton. It's the biggest bookstore in t he country. Jake - You know, at the Mall of the Millennium. (both girls definitely look less than enthused) Daria - (flatly) Great. Quinn - (flatly) Yeah, great. (Daria and Quinn exit) Helen - Did you think they'd be more excited? Jake - Oh, you know Daria, she loves to act cool. Once we're there, wait until y ou see her face then! (cut to the Doo Dad Shop, which has a large poster in the front window of Daria as the 10,000th customer) (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts This Year's Model Episode #106 Written by Laura Kightlinger and Glenn Eichler (Transcript created by Richard Lobinske) (opening theme song) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria and Jane are seated on Daria's bed, watching television; on the screen, t he female SSW reporter is interviewing a blonde model who is holding a book) SSW Reporter - An encyclopedia is an unusual product for a supermodel to promote , isn't it? Model (exaggerated French accent) - But you see, what's different about my encyc lopedia is you only buy the letters you find attractive. And it's got big margin s to draw your own pictures! How do you call them? Margins, yes? SSW Reporter - You say you wrote every word yourself... Jane - I've said it before, I'll say it again: you have the coolest room. Daria - It's got pros and cons. You can't hurt yourself in here, but you can't h urt anybody else in here, either. Jane (pushes on wall padding) - I wish there'd been a schizophrenic shut-in livi ng in our house before we moved in. Of course, we've got Trent there now. That's almost the same thing. Daria - My mother's threatening to redecorate again. Every time she brings it up , I stumble and grab a handrail. But I think she's catching on. Jane - You need to stumble somewhere else in the house. Cut yourself badly. She' ll reconsider. Daria - Thanks for your help. (on the TV screen, an ape pulls parasite off another and eats it) SSW Announcer - Next on Sick, Sad World: the Malibu Primate Diet. (at Lawndale High School, in Mr. O'Neill's class) Mr. O'Neill - Is Mr. Thoreau really turning his back on the world by moving to W alden Pond, or is he, by his example, trying desperately to save the world after all? (looks at Brittany) Normandy? Brittany - Brittany. He wasn't on Walden Pond because he hated the world. He was just mad at Jane Fonda. You know, he was her father in real life, too. Mr. O'Neill - Ummm... (Ms. Li rushes into the room) Ms. Li - Good morning! I hope I'm not disrupting the learning process. Mr. O'Neill - Oh... no...

Ms. Li - I've got some exciting information for you all. A team of talent scouts from Amazon Models will be here this week as part of their national talent sear ch, and the most promising Lawndale High student will receive a professional mod eling contract. Brittany - They got my letter! Jodie - Why here? Ms. Li - I guess they found out what a good looking group you are. (laughs) But, seriously, this is a great opportunity for you, and the even greater good of La wndale High. Daria - Excuse me? Ms. Li - Yes? Daria - Isn't modeling about dropping out of school to pursue a career based sol ely on your youth and your looks, both of which are inevitably declared over by age twenty-five? Ms. Li - Do you have a point, Ms. Morgendorffer? Jane - And don't fashion people squander their lives loudly worshiping all that is superficial and meaningless while the planet keeps riding a roller coaster to hell? Ms. Li - Modeling is a competitive field, yes, but the financial rewards are gre at. As principal, I'd be cheating our student body if I didn't allow them every opportunity to fulfill their potential. Daria - Excuse me. Can we assume the financial rewards are great for the school as well? Ms. Li - That is really none of your business! Daria - But I don't want to miss a lesson in applied economics. I'm trying to fu lfill my potential. (gives her an innocent smile) Ms. Li - The school is receiving a fee for its cooperation, but every cent is go ing to capital improvements! We're finally going to get those bulletproof skylig hts for the swimming pool. Jane - Well, I for one am very excited about this. I can feel myself getting int o the modeling spirit. Ms. Li - Excellent! Jane - May I be excused? I'd like to go to the girls' room and vomit up breakfas t. (in the cafeteria) (Daria, Jane, and Jodie are seated at a table) Daria - Where's your lunch? Jodie - I ate during student council.

Jane - Come on, you're not fooling anybody. You fed your lunch to a stray dog. S he's gonna have that modeling contract sewn up before we even get a chance. Daria - You really ought to stick to mineral water and parsley. Jodie - You know, you don't always have to be against everything. If a kid wants to take a modeling class, you can't tell her no. Daria - Maybe not, but you don't have to let the fashion mob push the classes on school grounds, either. Jane - Yeah, it's not fair to the drug dealers. They have to wait behind the par king lot. Jodie - It's completely voluntary. What's the problem? Daria - No problem. But why stop at modeling? Maybe there's a go-go bar downtown that would like to come here and recruit lap dancers. Jodie - Don't mention that idea to Brittany. (in Mrs. Bennett's class) (Mrs. Bennett is drawing yet another confusing diagram on the chalkboard while l ecturing) Mrs. Bennett - The fashion industry may be considered a perfect implementer of m arketplace psychology. The business insures its own survival by training consume rs to focus on arbitrary styling distinctions, rather than quality and durabilit y. (the sound of laughter calls attention to two people standing in the doorway: Cl aude, dressed in a tight-fitting halter top, and Romonica, dressed in a garish o utfit) Mrs. Bennett - Huh. You must be the representatives from the Amazon Modeling Age ncy. Claude - Well, I would hope so. We're a little long in the tooth to be attending high school. Romonica - Speak for yourself, grandpa-pa. (Romonica slaps Claude on the shoulder, and both laugh) Mrs. Bennett - (brief laugh) I was just telling the class about how the fashion industry uses customer psychology to perpetuate itself in the marketplace. Claude - You know, if the hem of that skirt were an inch higher, you'd have a lo ok as up to date as tomorrow. Mrs. Bennett - Do you think so? Claude - Show off those gams, girlfriend! Brittany - This is the most exciting day of my life! Being a model is all I've e ver wanted to be. Kevin - Uh, hey...

Brittany - I mean besides being the girlfriend of the cutest guy on the team! Oh , and winning the national high school cheerleading championship! Oh yeah, and h elping the starving kids in the desert, or wherever. (Romonica holds Brittany's chin and examines her face) Romonica - Well, let's have a look! Hmmmm... lovely. What is your name? Brittany - Brittany? Is that okay? Because I was thinking of changing it to... B lue. Claude - Can you take off your coat and walk for us? Romonica - Just slip out of that jacket and do a little runaway, sweetie. (Brittany takes off her trench coat to reveal a pink strapless evening gown; she walks down the aisle to the back of the room and back again; as her back is tur ned, Claude half turns and motions with both hands to indicate Brittany's large breasts; Romonica shakes her head) Romonica - (claps politely) That was just wonderful! Don't you think so, Claude? Claude - Wonderful? Astonishing! We'll see you in class, Blue. Romonica - Now, who else in this room is a potential superstar du fashion? (look s at Jane) You! You have a very interesting look! Have you ever considered the a chingly glamorous life of a model? (Jane shows her a sketch of Claude and Romonica as circling vultures) Romonica - You're more interested in the design end of things. Claude - That's an excellent likeness of you, darling. (sees Daria) Oh, look at you. So waif-like... so pouty. Could you remove your glasses? Daria - Could you remove your halter top? Claude - Pardon? Daria - I can't take my glasses off. I need them to see scam artists. (Claude and Romonica look shocked) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria, Jake, and Helen are seated at the kitchen table) Daria - ...so then Ms. Li admits they're doing this to pay for new bulletproof s kylights. The whole thing's enough to turn your stomach. Which I guess is good i f you want to be a model; eases the transition to bulimia. Helen - You really feel strongly about this. Daria - What do you mean? Helen - Well... you're talking to us. Daria - Yeah, well... yeah. Helen - I'm glad you feel strongly about it, Daria, and for the record, I agree

with you. Jake - So do I! Daria - I supposed you realize that now I have to reconsider my position. Helen - These people sounds like opportunists feeding off the vanity of naive yo ung people. I pity the kids who get sucked in by them, and I pity their poor par ents. (Quinn enters) Quinn - Mom! Dad! Guess what? I've been accepted into a really exclusive modelin g class! (everyone stares at her) Quinn - What? (at the Morgendorffer house) (the family is seated at the kitchen table) Quinn - What do you mean I'm not the modeling type? Are you talking about my hip s? Helen - This has nothing to do with your hips. Quinn - It can't be my boobs. Claude said my boobs were perfect. Jake - Who's Claude? (stands) I'll kill him! If he is a him. Helen - You're not killing anyone, Jake. Jake - Can I go upstairs then? This conversation is making me really uncomfortab le. Helen - Sit down, Jake. Quinn, this isn't about your body. I don't think you rea lize that modeling is an extremely competitive activity... Quinn - So is dating, if you do it right. Helen - ...in which your value as a human being is decided entirely on how you l ook. Quinn - When does the bad part come in? (telephone rings; Quinn doesn't answer it) Daria - Wow, she is upset. (picks up phone) Hello? (Romonica is under a towel in a spa) Romonica - Hello! My name is Romonica DeGregory. Daria (faux accent imitating Romonica's) - And I am Daria Morgendorffer. Romonica - I wonder if I might speak with a Helen Morgendorffer. Daria - Hold on, please. (hands phone to Helen)

Helen - Hello? Romonica - Am I speaking to the mother of Quinn Morgendorffer? Helen - Yes, this is Quinn's mother. Romonica - This is Romonica... (spa attendant lifts towel and pours hot wax) Aee eeee! Romonica DeGregory, with the New York Amazon Fashion Agency. Have I called at a bad time, Mrs. Morgendorffer? Helen - Please, call me Helen. What can I do for you, Monica? Romonica - Please, call me Romonica. Helen, your daughter has been selected alon g with a mere handful of girls to participate in a complimentary class in the La wndale High auditorium. Helen - A complimentary class? Jake - Complimentary? Romonica - Absolutely complimentary, Helen, and an experience that we expect wil l generate many compliments. (laughs) All the students are invited, but Quinn wi ll be among the lucky few to be coached on stage. We're looking, of course, for tomorrow's modeling superstars. Helen - Mmm-hmm. Romonica - I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but we feel that Quinn is s omething quite special! Helen - We think she's pretty special, too. Romonica - You know Helen, I spend much time around the world's top models, and they all have that special something. I see millions of girls have a little some thing, but it's not special. What Quinn has is special. Quinn is a pearl in a be d of oysters. Helen - I'll discuss this with my daughter, Monica, and we'll let you know. Romonica - Rrrrrrrromonica! Thank you, Helen, and remember, opportunity knocks, but it doesn't beg. (spa attendant pulls away cooled wax) Ahhhhhhhh! Goodbye. Helen - (hangs up) What a strange woman. Quinn - You gotta let me do this! You always say I can be anything I want to be! Helen - Yes, we do say that. Daria - That reminds me. May I become the Queen of Brazil? Helen - All right, you can participate in the open class, but it goes no further . Quinn - Yes! (stands and leaves) Helen - (to Daria) Now, what do I have to do to make you go to that class and ke ep an eye on her, hmmm? Daria - No more talk about redecorating my room for twelve months.

Helen - Done. Daria - Done. Helen - You're getting softer. Daria - On the contrary, I was thinking about going anyway. Helen - You were? Daria - I'm sensing potential for the total humiliation of Quinn here. I'd never forgive myself if I missed it. (stands and leaves) Helen - Hmmm. Tell me I should just be glad she's going. Jake - Of course you should! It's great that she wants to look out for her littl e sister. Helen - Do you hear anything that goes on here? Jake - (looks around) Have you seen the paper? (in the school auditorium) (Claude, Romonica, the Fashion Club, and another girl are on stage) Romonica - All right, ladies, your worst enemy is at the end of the catwalk. The one who stole your boyfriend. She has fallen and broken her leg. Your job is to tell her, without words, that you've come to watch them cut it off. (girls walk by on runway) Romonica - Very good, Sandi, Stacy... (a plump, red-headed girl walks by) Claude - Brilliant of you to sign her on. Romonica - Nothing like a decoy. (Quinn walks by) Romonica - Ah, Quinn, that is excellent. You appear truly to be savoring another 's misfortune. (Quinn stops with hand on hip) Quinn - Thanks. Claude - Now, girls, you're little kittens in an animal shelter. You have to loo k sad and helpless so someone will adopt you, or else it's kitty heaven. Quinn - That's so sad. Stacy - I get the idea that he's been there. (Daria and Jane are seated in the nearly empty auditorium) Jane - (chuckle) Kitty heaven?

Daria - How does he know they're not going to kitty hell? Romonica - All right, ladies. Now, when you stride down the runway, you're walki ng towards your car. You've spotted a headless corpse in it... and it's a brand new car! Daria - And a smelly old corpse. Jane - In a really bad outfit. (Trent sits down next to Jane) Trent - Hey, Janey. Jane - Yo, Trent. What are you doing here? Trent - Oh, you know. Whatever. Jane - Mom and Dad know you left the house voluntarily? Trent - Um, I'm not sure how to break it to them. You got any ideas? Jane - Nah. How about you Daria? Trent - Hey, Daria. Daria - (mutters) Hi. Jane - No, really, what are you doing here? Trent - Um, you know, I thought I'd check it out. (pause) Get used to being arou nd fashion types. (pause) You know, for the future. Jane - Trent, what are you talking about? Trent (points at stage and points at self) - You know. Models... musician. Model s... musician. (Brittany sits down next to Daria and starts crying) Daria - Brittany, are you all right? Brittany - Do I look like I'm all right? No, I don't, and I don't look like I'm model material either, appearently. Daria - You mean, apparently? Brittany - I mean, I should be up there on stage with the winners instead of out here in the audience with the losers! Daria - Hmmm. This must be torture for you. (Kevin enters and sits next to Brittany) Kevin - Oh, babe, I found you. Brittany - Oh, Kevin, life is so unfair! Kevin - What's wrong, babe?

(Brittany cries into his shoulder while talking unintelligibly) Kevin - Huh? Daria - She's upset because she's stuck out here with the losers. Kevin - Oh. Yeah, I can see that. (Brittany continues to cry) (in the school auditorium) Romonica - Girls, your runway work is truly superb. Now, let's try a little ense mble posing. Might we have some male volunteers from the audience? (Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie practically climb all over themselves volunteering) Romonica - Very good. Anymore? Claude - You, out there. What's your name? Kevin - Um... Kevin? Claude - Come on up here and help our pretty little sparrows learn to pose with handsome young eagles. Kevin - Sure! (Kevin leaves Brittany, who falls face first into chair before sitting back up, crying even harder) Jane - Don't be sad, Brittany. He's with the winners now. Daria - I have to make a phone call. (leaves) Romonica - All right, these are the sort of poses... Claude - Known in the business as hayride crap. Romonica - ...you can find yourself doing in catalog work. Claude - Unless it's a really fun catalog. Then it might be a bit more interesti ng. For instance... boys, would you mind taking your shirts off? (Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie comply, albeit a bit hesitantly) Claude - You too, Kevin. Kevin - Um, all right. Claude - Now girls, I want you to rub your hands over those virile young chests. You want them, they want you, all that remains is to find someplace to let desi re run free. (the other girls start rubbing the guys' chests, all except for Quinn, who just stands there with a "no freakin' way!" look on her face) Quinn - Um, I have to go to the bathroom.

Romonica - Are you sure that's what you're feeling? Quinn - Yes! (leaves quickly) Claude - All right, girls, caress those perfect pectorals. (upon seeing Kevin, Brittany angrily exits, passing a returning Daria) Romonica - Toy with the silky chest hair, or where the areas that hair may event ually be. That's it! (Ms. Li enters on stage) Ms. Li - Carry, on, carry on. I just thought I'd drop in to see how things... wh at the hell is going on here?!! (Ms. Li separates the boys and girls on stage from their poses) Ms. Li - You there! Stop that! You, stop that! Put your shirt back on! I don't w ant to see that! Put that jersey back on. Daria - Uh-oh. Jane - They're all going to kitty heaven. Trent - I knew I should've stayed home. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria, Helen, and Jake seated at the kitchen table, while Quinn stands) Quinn - And then I thought, if I sign up with a charity now, before I'm famous, later on I can say, "Oh! I was helping others long before I started modeling." Helen - We agreed that you would take that one class and that was it. Quinn - I was thinking maybe some group that wants to help animals, but cute ani mals. Helen - Quinn, we made a commitment to each other. Now it's time to honor that c ommitment. No more modeling classes. Quinn - Muh-om! I'm not talking about taking classes! I'm talking about winning the modeling contract. Helen - Sweetheart, please don't take this the wrong way, but what if you don't win? Quinn - Don't win? Daria - Then I guess the animals are on their own. Even the cute ones. Quinn - You don't get it. I'm writing a poem about what a great model I'd be. I' m going to recite it for Claude and Romonica. (clears throat) "A model's what I' d like to be... looking good comes naturally... da da da da, da da, me." Daria - That's it, send the other girls home. (in the school auditorium)

(Ms. Li stands on stage at the podium during school assembly) Ms. Li - I know you're all anxious to find out who the winner of the Amazon Mode ling Agency contract is, but first, I must say something about what happened her e the other day. I don't want you students to think that modeling has to have an ything to do with sex. (several students laugh, drawing an annoyed glare from Ms. Li) Ms. Li - Anyway, as I was saying... Brittany - How could you do that to me? In front of everyone! Kevin - I was just modeling, babe! Brittany - Maybe you call it modeling. I call it hormones! (Brittany marches up aisle, stops at plump girl Kevin had posed with) Brittany - All right, he's yours now, but I'll always be his first. You can't ta ke that away from me. Slutty Girl - I can. Brittany - Ooooh! (storms out) Kevin - (sees Slutty Girl) Hey, hey! (Slutty Girl blows him a kiss and winks as the auditorium door closes behind Bri ttany) Kevin - Hey! (Kevin follows Brittany while scattered laughter is heard) Ms. Li - See, students? That's what happens when gonads rule the roost! Now, I b elieve we are ready to announce the winner of the modeling contract. The Amazon Modeling Agency of New York has decided to... (a group of mercenary soldiers suddenly enters the auditorium and marches up to the podium; one soldier carries a boom box) Song on boom box - "Kill the enemy! Whoever it happens to be! Huh! Huh!" Jane - What? Daria - Just watch. Song on boom box - "Kill the enemy!" (the soldier in charge, General Buck Conroy, approaches the podium) General Conroy - Ms. Li, I presume. Thanks, I'll take it from here. (General Conroy nudges Ms. Li away and draws finger across throat to have boom b ox turned off) General Conroy - Students, young people, red-blooded youth of America! I'm Gener al Buck Conroy, publisher of Brutal Mercenary Magazine, and I've come to your sc hool today to find out who among you has what it takes to become a soldier for h

ire in today's exciting world of geopolitical violence! Ms. Li - What in the name of God? General Conroy - Now, now, ma'am, a deal's a deal. Sad to say, America no longer engages in the kind of ground wars that made this country great! But that doesn 't mean that savage hand-to-hand combat is out of your reach. Mercenary soldiers go where the money is. You not only kill, but get paid well for doing it! Whew! What a racket! In a few days, we'll have a complimentary class right in the aud itorium. Ms. Li - What are you talking about? Who invited you here? General Conroy - Why, you did, ma'am. I have your letter right here, and here's the fee we agreed on. (he holds up letter and check) General Conroy - Oh, look! The media! (television news crew walks into the auditorium) (at the Morgendorffer house) (the family is watching television in the living room; on the screen, General Co nroy waves the check while he has his arm around a shocked Ms. Li) TV Announcer - And while Principal Angela Li denies inviting the mercenary recru iters to Lawndale High, News Five has learned that she did recently allow a mode ling school to solicit students on school grounds. Jake - Wow! That's all I can say. Wow! Does no one have any ethics anymore? Daria - Only you and Thoreau, Dad. Jake - You are so right! (looks at watch) I gotta call that baby formula guy. (l eaves) Quinn - If that... that General hadn't showed up, Ms. Li wouldn't have banned Cl aude and Romonica from school, and I would have won that modeling contract. I kn ow it. Daria - Don't be so sure. (reads from newspaper) "Football start has winning loo k, too." (Quinn looks at the paper in disbelief) "Lawndale High quarterback Kevi n Thompson apparently has a winning form off the field, too. Thompson has just b een signed to an exclusive contract with the Amazon Modeling Agency." Quinn - Ugh! Daria - Who would have guessed? Kevin's a pearl in a bed of oysters. Quinn - That should have been me! I never had a chance to read my poem! (stands and leaves) Daria - That's a loss for all of us. (in her room, Daria reaches into her backpack and pulls out a copy of Brutal Mer cenary magazine; with a self-satisfied smirk, she rips it up and throws it away) (at Kevin's photo shoot)

(Claude, Romonica, and a camera crew are huddled around Kevin, who's posing in a pair of underwear; without his uniform and pads, he looks pretty scrawny) Romonica - Come on, try not to look like the dull little high school boy you are . Claude - Smirk, I said smirk, damn you! Romonica - You call that a pose? You're not flexing for your milkmaid girlfriend anymore! Claude - When did his caboose get so big? Was it that big when we signed him? (beads of sweat roll off Kevin's forehead as he realizes just how out of his dep th he is) (closing credits) Episode Guide Transcripts The Lab Brat Episode #107 Written by Peggy Nicoll (opening theme song) (in Ms. Barch's class) Ms. Barch - And like a husband going home to his noble and self-sacrificing wife , the rat keeps returning to the food box. That is, the positive reinforcement. Huh, if only men could be more like rats. Oh, sure, they come home at first. You feed them, you wait on them, and then, after twenty-two thankless years, they j ust up and leave. No note, no phone call, no nothing! (slams pointer on desk) Ju st... like... that! Daria (to Jodie) - I wonder why he left. Ms. Barch - Now, before I divide the class into teams of two, who can give me an other example of reinforcement? (pause) Fine, class. Ignore me... just like he d id! Kevin? Kevin - Uh... Ms. Barch - Shut up, Kevin. Daria? Reinforcement? Daria - Hmm... to make a child stop crying, a mother might say, "That's it! I'm sending you to El Paso to live with your real father." Whenever the child gets u pset, the mother might wave an airline ticket in her face, or maybe even frame i t on the wall by the clown picture. The ticket stops the girl from crying, or sh owing any emotion... ever. Ms. Barch - Right, that's... Daria - Years later, seeing an airplane or just hearing one fly overhead can unl eash a Pandora's Box of repressed anger, shattering the grown child's fragile ps yche and triggering a psychotic and possibly deadly episode. Ms. Barch - I like the way you think. Kevin... Daria will be your lab partner.

Brittany - (squeaks) What? Ms. Barch - You two will design a maze, and condition Kevin -- I mean, condition a mouse using positive or negative reinforcement. Brittany - But babe, we've never been separated on a lab project before! What'll we do? Daria - Pass? Ms. Barch - Brittany, Charles will be your partner. Brittany - (squeaks in protest) But Ms. Barch, I'm a cheerleader! Upchuck - Give me an "R." (purrs the "R" suggestively) Kevin - I really like doing mazes. Those ones on the back of cereal boxes are co ol. Daria - Well, now I am excited. Ms. Barch - Shut up, Mack! (Mack's eyes widen in surprise) (in the school cafeteria) (Daria and Jane are sitting at their usual table) Daria - So, now Kevin's my lab partner. Jane - Next best thing to working alone. Daria - Oh, no. He likes mazes. Jane - Maybe you could get a wind-up toy to distract him. Daria - His wind-up toy is working with Upchuck. (Jane chuckles as Kevin approaches their table) Kevin - Hey, Daria. Mind if we do the maze thing at your house? My cable's broke n. (upon hearing that, Daria gets a calculating look on her face) (at Daria's house) (Helen, Quinn, and Daria are sitting in the living room) SSW Announcer - It's 911 in the morning and 1-900 in the evening. The phone sex/ E.M.S. dispatcher when Sick, Sad World returns. (Helen clicks television off) Helen - Daria, I heard you're working with Kevin Thompson on a science project. He's quarterback of the football team, isn't he? (Daria gives Quinn a "gee, I wonder who told her?" look)

Quinn - Brittany was sobbing in the bathroom. Helen - Science is fascinating. Tell me all about it, honey. Daria - I can't. I signed a confidentiality paper. The other scientists would be mad. Helen - (groans) Oh, forget it, Daria. Quinn, how was your day? Quinn - It sucked. First my teacher gave my paper on Cleopatra's makeup don'ts a n "F" -- like he would know. Then my heel broke. Then, like, the day was almost over and only two guys had asked me out. Luckily, just before... Helen - (pleading) Daria, please tell me about the project. Daria - (sighs) It's about how behavior is affected by positive or negative rein forcement. Helen - Sounds super. Daria - Like... say, you have a friend who responds to everything you say with, "That's great!" This insincere reply is the same whether you saved a life or kil led a bug, and thus becomes "negative reinforcement," causing you to withdraw fr om that person or persons. Helen - Wow. That's fantastic! (Daria rolls her eyes at Helen's cluelessness) Helen - Maybe if you and Kevin work well together, he'll associate you with feel ing good and want to include you in his circle of friends. (Quinn's eyes widen upon hearing that) Daria - Do you really believe that? Helen - Believe? In what sense? Quinn - Maybe I'll help with the project. I'm into science. Helen - Quinn, that's great! Daria - What exactly do you like about it? Quinn - Um, like, now they can make perfume without hurting little bunnies. (doorbell rings) Quinn - Door! (gets up) (phone rings) Helen - Phone! (gets up) (Quinn sighs, then steadies herself as she opens the door) Quinn - Hey, Kevin. Kevin - Hi, Quinn. Hey, Daria, I'm ready to start this maze thing.

Quinn - I'm helping. Let's go. Daria - Wait a minute, Kevin. There's something I want you to see. (Jake snores on the couch as they enter the living room; Daria turns on the tele vision) Daria - Look, Kevin: the Pigskin Channel. Great big guys slamming into other gre at big guys. Fun. Kevin - Cool! (sits down) TV Announcer - The Pigskin Channel! Classic football games 24 hours a day -- eve ry day, all this month. Kevin - Good thing I have nothing planned. Daria (to Quinn) - I guess it's just you and me. Got your saw and sandpaper? Quinn - Um, actually, I'm, like, needed here more. Right, Kevin? (Kevin continues to concentrate on the game) Quinn - Kevin, if you want a pillow or anything, there's one on that chair. Kevin - Thanks, babe. Just put it behind my back. (leans forward) Quinn (to Daria) - Shouldn't you be working on your project? You know, teaching a mouse to fetch or whatever? Daria - Looks like there's plenty of fetching going on already. (leaves) Quinn - Kevin, if you want a soda or anything, there's some in the fridge. I kno w I'm kind of thirsty. Kevin - Thanks, babe. Could you, like, put some ice in it? Quinn - (sarcastically) How many cubes? Kevin - Two is cool. (Quinn groans in disgust as she heads towards the kitchen, while Jake continues to snore away) (at Upchuck's house) (Brittany, dressed in a long overcoat, wide hat, and sunglasses, looks over her shoulder before joining Upchuck in the garage) Upchuck - Welcome to Casa de Chuck, bella senorita. (Brittany pulls down the win dow shades) Don't worry, toots. This torrid affair shall remain our little secre t -- as it must. Brittany - Listen, Upchuck, you come near me and Kevin will bust your... Upchuck - Kevin? Kevin's busy now... with Daria! Brittany - Ooh! Upchuck - But you're right. Passion can wait until we've constructed our maze. T

here's the saw. Brittany - Excuse me? I don't do saw. Upchuck - Oh, my fragile petal -- either you do your share, or I tell everyone w e're dating. Brittany - Like anyone would believe that. Upchuck - But they would believe... this. (Brittany gasps as Upchuck pulls out a photo of her and a half-naked guy making out in the back of a convertible) Upchuck - Isn't that Sam Stack, quarterback for Oakwood? Our rivals? Brittany - But Kevin and I broke up that week. Wait... how did you get this? You pervert! Upchuck - Silly me! I was taking pictures and forgot I had the telephoto lens on . (Brittany tries to grab photo, to no avail) Upchuck - Ah, ah, ah! On second thought, I'll start the maze. You can get me a s oda. Brittany - Huh? Upchuck - In the kitchen. I take two cubes -- not one, not three -- two. (chuckl es as Brittany goes into kitchen) Slave for a week. (at Daria's house) (Kevin is in the living room, watching the Pigskin Channel; Quinn is coming on t o him with all her strength) Kevin - Go, go, go! Quinn - Gee, Kevin, I hope the steak isn't too medium rare. Kevin - You suck! (to Quinn) That's my team! Oh, the steak? It was cool. And I r eally like this yellow dip. Hey, tomorrow night, let's have Sloppy Joes. Quinn - Um, I was thinking tomorrow night you might take me to Chez Pierre. The food there is, like, really good and the waiters are, like, really foreign. Kevin - Gee, babe, there seems to be plenty of good food right here. Quinn - Yes, but... Kevin - Agh! You suck, you suck, you suck! (doorbell rings) (Quinn answers the door, to find a soaking wet Brittany standing on the stoop) Quinn - Eww! What happened to you? Brittany - Ugh. That despicable Upchuck made me change the water in his fish tan

ks! (wrings water out of hair) Is Kevin here? Quinn - Sorry, Brittany, but he's very busy working on the maze thing and can't be disturbed. Kevin (O.S.) - Hey, Quinn, what's for dessert? Brittany - But... Quinn - Got to go! (closes door) Brittany (O.S.) - (angrily) Ooh! (in the garage) (Daria is working on the maze as Kevin walks in) Daria - Kevin, what are you doing here? Did you get lost? Kevin - No! (chuckles) I mean, sort of. Hey, cool! You finished the maze! That m ust've taken, like, forever. (breaks door off maze) Oops. Sorry. Daria - Kevin... I want you to put the door down and step away from the maze, an d no one will get hurt. Kevin - Hey! Is this the mouse we're training? Daria - You don't recognize him after all your hours together? Kevin - Hey, can you make him stand on his head? Daria - Not right now. He's exhausted from jumping rope. (Quinn enters the garage carrying a cake) Quinn - (singsongy tone) Look what I made, Kevin. Daria - No ice cream? I wouldn't put up with that if I were you. Kevin - Uh, yeah. Thanks, Quinn. Leave it by the TV. Quinn - Leave it by the TV. It's like we're already going out. (Brittany walks in) Brittany - There you are! Kevin - Yo, babe. Brittany - So, like, what have you been doing all night? Kevin - Um... working? Brittany - Wow, this looks really complicated. Kevin, you're so smart. Explain i t to me. Kevin - Uh... well, see, there's this path. Wait... hey. Oh, there's two paths. Cool! Brittany - Working, huh? You could at least hide the evidence. Now tell me, what

's going on here? Daria - Relax, Brittany. Have a nice big piece of the chocolate layer cake Quinn made just for Kevin. Brittany - Ooh! You, you... vixens! (grabs Kevin's arm) Come on, we're leaving. Kevin - But it's only half time! I mean... Daria needs me. Daria - Yeah. He has three more doors to break. Kevin - Yeah. Upchuck (O.S.) - (singsongy tone) Oh, Brittany! Brittany - Ugh! All right, I'm going. But I'm warning you, Miss... Smartiness. I know how to fight for my man. Kevin - What man?! (at Pizza King) (Daria and Jane are at their usual table, sodas and pizza slices in front of the m) Jane - If you were really good, you'd get the mouse to stay off both paths -- yo u know, like Dada. Everything is useless. Daria - I wouldn't do that to the mouse, but it might be fun to try it on... Kevin - So, Daria, we still have a lot of work to do on this maze thing, right? Daria - Yeah, but I don't expect you to maintain your laser-like focus of the pa st week. Kevin - Cool! Whatever. Hey, maybe I'll stop by the garage tonight -- after the Steelers game. Daria - That's not really necessary... Kevin - Oh, wait! I can't. I promised Quinn I'd help her practice her back massa ge technique. Jane - Does this boy always think of others first? (in the adjoining booth, the Three J's overhear their conversation) Joey - Kevin's been hanging out at that Daria chick's, like, every night this we ek. Jeffy - But that chick's a brain. Jamie - There must be something we don't know. Joey - We gotta find out. (Brittany and Jodie enter) Brittany - Ooh! Can you believe Daria's trying to take Kevin away from me?

Jodie - I can't believe anyone would try to take Kevin away from you. Brittany - Thanks. You're a friend. (Jodie gives her a "damn, you're clueless" look as Brittany walks over to Kevin) Brittany - Kevin, the new Whitney Houston movie is out and I want you to take me -- tonight. Kevin - Can't, babe. Got to work with Daria. You know, science. Daria - That's all right, Dr. Pasteur. You can take a night off. Kevin - (whispers) Daria! That's a chick movie! Jane - (whispers) Pst! Kevin, Brittany's... (louder) ...a chick! Brittany - I heard that. What show are we going to? Kevin - Oh-oh. Gotta go. Practice! (leaves) Brittany - If you think you're going to take Kevin away from me, you're wrong. B ecause he's my Kevin, and you're, you're a... a brain. Daria - You know, Brittany, that was actually a very astute observation about th e likelihood of my dating your boyfriend. Jane - Or is it... former boyfriend? Brittany - Ooh! (to Three J's as they approach) Hi Joey, Jeffy, Jimmy! Jeffy - So, Daria, are you doing anything tonight? Daria (to Jamie) - She just called you Jimmy. Jamie - Whatever. How about tomorrow night? Brittany - Hi! Guys! Hi, Joey. Hey -- tell me that really funny story again abou t how you made chocolate come out of your nose. Joey - So, Daria, you feel like hitting a movie? You chicks dig Whitney Houston, right? (Quinn walks up to the booth) Quinn - Joey, Jeffy, Jamiel. Which one of you guys wants to walk me home? (Brittany goes back to Jodie's booth as the Three J's follow Quinn out, climbing over each other to volunteer their services) Brittany - How can I compete against sisters?! There's only one of me. Jodie - Maybe you can get your brother to wear a skirt. Brittany - My brother! (pager beeps) Damn it, Upchuck! (at Upchuck's house) (Brittany walks into the garage with a bag of groceries)

Upchuck - Excellent! Brittany - Okay, I shined your spoon collection, filed your disgusting magazines and finished your shopping. (shoves back into Upchuck's arms) Can I go now? Upchuck - (holding a jar of honey) I'm sorry, Brittany, but I specifically said I wanted the honey that comes in a bear, not a jar. Brittany - Ooh! You, you... weasel! Upchuck - "And remember, Kevin, it was the week that you two had broken up, so I don't think you should be too angry with... Back-Seat Brittany." Brittany - Ooh! (grabs bag and leaves) (at Daria's house) Quinn - (into phone) I am kind of dating Kevin. Yeah, well, older guys just go f or me. They like to take me to expensive restaurants. (phone beeps) Hold on, ano ther call. (clicks to other call) Roderick! Sure, I date guys your age -- I mean , sometimes. Hey, have you ever been to Chez Pierre? (doorbell rings) (Quinn opens the door, to find Brittany holding a paper bag) Brittany - Kevin wants this. Can I leave it in the garage? (Quinn points to garage and closes door) Quinn - (into phone) See you on Wednesday. (phone beeps) Got to go. (clicks to o ther call) Hello? Matthew! (in the garage) Brittany - Now, don't say a word. (grabs mouse, which bites her hand) Ouch! Ooh! You icky little... animal! (traps mouse in box) Okay, you Morgendorffer tempstr esses. You're going to have find a new excuse if you want to drag my Kevin over here now. (at Brittany's house) (Brittany is in her brother's room, holding out the box with the mouse in it) Brittany - Don't let this mouse out of your sight, okay? (hands box to Brian and leaves) (Brian peers into box and chuckles evilly) (at Daria's house) (Daria sees that the mouse is gone; she then spots the paper bag, and pulls out a bear-shaped jar of honey) Daria - I don't even want to know. (doorbell rings) (Daria answers the door; the perpetually-grinning Kevin is standing on the stoop )

Daria - Kevin. I have some bad news. Kevin - Aw, your cable's broken? Daria - No, I... Kevin - The game got cancelled? Daria - No, listen. Kevin - They're running the game opposite the... Daria - Listen! Our mouse is gone. Kevin - (sighs in relief) Oh, boy, Daria. You really had me going for a minute. Daria - Kevin, without the mouse, we fail, and we don't have time to train a new one. Kevin - Bummer. I wish there was something I could do. But what? (Kevin sits down next to Jake in living room) Kevin - Hey, Mr. Morgendorffer. Jake - It's Jake, my man, Jake. You know, I went out for football in military sc hool, but the other kids taunted me. Said I ran funny. (gulps down soda) Well, I 've shown them! The smug little turds. I've got the house, the paycheck, and the y're all lying dead in a stinking rice paddy. At least, that's the way I like to think of them. Hey, how about a soda? Kevin - Sure. I like two ice cubes. Jake - Me, too! (leaves) (Quinn enters wearing an ultra-short skirt, and stands in front of the televisio n screen) Quinn - Kevin? Do you think my skirt is too short? (Kevin glances at Quinn before going back to the television) Kevin - Go, go, go! Daria - Quinn, do you know anything about this? (hands bear to Quinn) Quinn - Oh, right. Like some plastic bear is going to make Kevin choose Brittany over me. Daria - Brittany? Quinn - Yeah. She left it in the garage for Kevin. Shoot me if ever get that des perate. Hey, Kevin? Jake - My teen years... a nightmare of shame and guilt. They didn't call it self -love then, Kevin. They called it self-abuse. (in the school hallway)

(Brittany is angrily confronting Kevin) Kevin - But babe, I didn't do anything wrong! Brittany - Don't lie to me, Kevin! It's all over school you're dating both Daria and Quinn! Kevin - Really? Whoa, twins. (Daria approaches) Brittany - Quit following Kevin! Daria - Gee, Brittany. What happened to your hand? Brittany - Uh, um... faulty eyelash curler. (hides hand behind back) Daria (to Kevin) - I just told Ms. Barch about the disappearing mouse. She said if we don't turn the project in tomorrow we'll have to do a makeup experiment. A really big makeup experiment. It could take weeks, even months. Kevin - Cool. Daria (to Brittany) - Do you have a camera? You might want to take a picture of Kevin so you'll remember what he looks like. Brittany - Why, you... Daria - See you at 8:00, Kevin. Oh, and I'll tell Quinn to fire up the grill. (s tarts to leave) Brittany - Wait! (Daria turns around) Okay, so I stole the rotten little rat. Bu t I did it for us, and Whitney. I just couldn't stand being away from you any lo nger. Kevin - Babe... Daria - This is all very touching. Brittany, a deal. The mouse for Kevin. Brittany - Deal. (Daria and Brittany shake hands, with both of them thinking, "Sucker") Brittany - Let's go, Kevin. Kevin - Daria, I can still come over and watch the Pigskin Channel, right? (as Kevin and Brittany leave, both girls now think, "Jerk") (at Daria's house) (in the garage, Brittany hands the mouse box back to Daria; the box is dirty and battered) Daria - Let me guess. You have a little brother. Brittany - How'd you know? (Daria puts the mouse into the maze; the mouse immediately curls into a ball and shivers in fear)

Kevin - Cool. The maze thing really works. Daria - Yeah, that mouse is just ripping up the paths to the food box. Kevin - Oh. (dejected) Oh, yeah. Brittany - Come on, let's go over to my place and watch the Pigskin Channel on m y new satellite dish. Kevin - Wow! How'd you talk your parents into getting a dish? Brittany - I told them I wanted to watch the History Channel. Kevin - Parents! (both laugh just as Quinn enters the garage) Quinn - Kevin? Where are you going? Kevin - Oh, I'm heading over to Britt's to watch TV. Quinn - Wait -- I can get a bear. I'll get two bears. Three! (leaves) Daria - Goldilocks complex. She's seeing a therapist. (Jake enters the garage; he's holding a book) Jake - Hey, Kev. I missed you, dude. Come on, the game's about to begin. Oh, and I found my old journal! Brittany - What is it with this family? (in Ms. Barch's class) Ms. Barch - Brittany, Charles. You're up. (Brittany and Upchuck approach; their maze has a hamster tube on top of it) Upchuck - We started with... Ms. Barch - Shut up, Charles. Brittany, did you go with negative or positive rei nforcement? (Upchuck gulps) Brittany - Um... negative? I mean... positive? Upchuck - Please, Ms. Barch, let me explain... Ms. Barch - Charles, shut your miserable, lying, cheating mouth. Brittany, conti nue. (Upchuck puts the mouse into the maze, where it easily follows the tube to the f ood box) Brittany - The mouse, um... it's supposed to run down the path. Right? Ms. Barch - Brittany and Chuck. You fail.

(Upchuck groans) Ms. Barch - Shut up, Upchuck! Daria, Kevin. (time-shift; Daria concludes her presentation as her mouse shivers in a ball of fear; Kevin stands in the background and poses like an idiot) Daria - In conclusion, this mouse -- through no fault of my own, Brittany -- was repeatedly abused by a ten-year-old boy. As a result, the mouse's primary respo nse to everyday stimuli is fear. Similar reactions also occur in humans. Take th e mugging victim, beaten with nunchaks in an alleyway. As he, or she, recalls th e attacker's face -- his scraggly goatee and cheap, dangly earring -- she learns to hate and fear all men, regardless of age, race or taste in jewelry. Kevin - Really? Ms. Barch - Don't interrupt, hateful scum. Excellent job, Daria. You get an "A." Kevin - All right! Ms. Barch - Not you, you man. You get a "D." Kevin - All right! (bell rings) (in the hallway) Kevin - You know, Daria, I really liked hanging out at your house and working on the maze thing. Daria - Yeah, the week just flew by. It was like you were hardly there. Kevin - Thanks. Hey, Daria? Daria - Yes? Kevin - I'm having a big party Friday, and I want a lot of cool people there. Co uld you... Daria - (slightly hopeful) Yes? Kevin - ...ask Quinn if she could make it? (Daria just stares as if to say, "of course") (closing credits) Episode Guide Transcripts Pinch Sitter Episode #108 Written by Anne D. Bernstein (Transcript created by Richard Lobinske) (opening theme song) (at Lawndale High, in Mr. DeMartino's class) Mr. DeMartino - And on that fateful day, his followers obediently drank the pois

on brew. (students react with various "whoas" and "wows") Mr. DeMartino - Jonestown: one charismatic leader exerting his demonic will over scores of followers. What lesson can we take from this tragic example of herd-l ike behavior? Kevin? Kevin - Uh... BYOB? Mr. DeMartino - Please return to your stupor, Kevin... Kevin - Okay! Mr. DeMartino - ...while we continue our discussion of cults! Can anyone give me another example of a group using coercive techniques such as peer pressure, cha nting, and social isolation to achieve control over its members? Brittany? Brittany - Cheerleading? Mr. DeMartino - Ah, Brittany. Sometimes, despite a complete lack of insight, you stumble upon an interesting answer. Brittany - Wow, and I didn't even have to read the chapter! Jane - She'll never have to worry about mind control. Daria - No, but she'll have to watch out for ferrets building a nest in her head . Mr. DeMartino - Now remember, your term papers are due Friday, and no excuses wi ll be accepted. (bell rings) (in the hallway, Quinn is talking with a blond-haired boy) Ronnie - You want me to take over your baby-sitting job? I'm not sure, Quinn. Quinn - Please? Just this once. You're the only person I can trust to do this, R onnie. I can tell by your eyes... Ronnie - Really? Quinn - Yeah! They're so... sincere! Ronnie - Well... Quinn - And your face, it's very... honest! You're so nice, and dependable, and. .. Ronnie - Nice? Sincere? (sighs) You're never gonna go out with me, are you? Quinn - No. (cut to Daria and Jane walking down the hallway) Jane - Hey, there's Quinn with one of her many admirers. Daria - She's well liked among classmates of both sexes, and yet, strangely, she

turns my stomach. Quinn - Well, I... (Daria and Jane approach Quinn) Daria - Quinn, some guy named Skylar was looking for you this morning. Quinn - Oh, no! He figured out you're my sister? Daria - Actually, he seemed to think I was your au pair. He asked me how I liked America so far. Quinn - People are so weird! Daria - Some are weird. Some are just astonishingly self-centered and deceitful. Jane - Later. (Daria and Jane leave; Quinn makes a face at them) Ronnie - Skylar Feldman? Quinn - His family has a boat. It's almost summer! Ronnie - Yeah, right. Ask him to baby sit for you. Quinn - But he can't go out with me if he's baby-sitting. Ronnie - Then try your sister. She seems like the type who has plenty of Saturda y nights free. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria and Quinn are seated on the sofa; Daria is watching television, Quinn is painting her toenails) SSW Announcer - They bake cookies by day, but they really heat up the night! G-s tring grandmas, today on Sick, Sad World. Quinn - Gross! Daria - For once, we're in agreement. Quinn - This color looks nothing like melon. It's way too pink. Oh, hey, Daria? What are you doing Saturday night? Daria - Forget it. I don't like kids. I didn't even like kids when I was a kid. Quinn - But you gotta take my baby-sitting job! I could end up all summer on som e public beach. Six bucks an hour! Daria - Oooh. I could make a down payment on that isolated mountain cabin. Quinn - I'll pay you a two dollar an hour bonus. You can do your homework and ea rn money at the same time. Daria - Well, there is that history paper I haven't started yet. But if I baby-s at for you, then technically, I'd be doing you a favor, and that simply cannot b e.

(Helen walks into the living room, carrying her briefcase) Helen - There's angel hair in the freezer, girls, and don't forget, tomorrow we' re hosting the couples workshop. It's focus on teens night! I expect you to be t here. Quinn - Sorry, Mom, I have a date. Remember what you said on Saturday? A commitm ent's a commitment. Helen - (sighs) Well, I guess I did say that. Well, I'll see you there, Daria. Daria - I can't. I have a commitment. Helen and Quinn - You? Daria - ("I can't believe I'm saying this") I'm baby-sitting. (in Quinn's room) (Helen enters carrying folded laundry; she sets the basket down on the bed and h olds up a baby-tee that looks too small for a Barbie doll) Helen - Oh, no, the laundry shrank your shirt. Quinn - No, they didn't. Helen - Oh. (sighs) You know, I used to wear mini-skirts... but life goes on. We ll, I was surprised to hear about Daria's baby-sitting job tomorrow night. Quinn - Yeah! I was, too! Helen - Especially since it's for the Guptys, and they usually call you. Quinn - I know! People are so weird! Helen - In fact, I think I remember something about you going over there tomorro w night? Quinn - (grabs shirt) You know, I think they did shrink this shirt! Helen - Quinn, how do you expect to get anywhere in this world if you don't stic k to your commitments? Quinn - But I didn't mean to double-book. It's hard to keep track of dates when you're attractive and popular. Helen - I can't have another fiasco like last Saturday night. Think of how it mu st have felt when those three boys all showed up here at the same time! Quinn - It felt great! Helen - I meant for them. You know the time-management consultant I've been seei ng? Quinn - Doris Doright? Helen - Deena Decker. I'm going to have to book us for a mother-daughter session .

Quinn - Like a class? Helen - Think of it as a makeover. My treat. Quinn - Well... okay. Helen - I'm so excited! Talk about an efficient use of quality time! (downstairs, Daria is on the phone with the Guptys, shown split-screen; Quinn is standing with a phone next to Daria, while both Guptys have phones in their han ds) Mr. Gupty - Now, Daria, I hope Quinn explained our rules. Were you planning on h aving a boyfriend in the house? Because, heh, we don't allow that. Daria - No problem. I'm flying solo these days. Mrs. Gupty - Then I guess it's not an issue. Daria - Unless I pick up somebody on the way over. Mrs. Gupty - What? Quinn - (short laugh) She's kidding, Mrs. Gupty. My sister's a big kidder. (scow ls) Ha, ha, Daria. Daria - Ha, ha, Quinn. Mr. Gupty - (short laugh) Well, you'll need a sense of humor to tangle with our devils. Mrs. Gupty - Lester! Mr. Gupty - No, seriously, they're great kids. See you Saturday, Daria. Daria - Bye. (hangs up phone) Ten dollar surcharge if I have to spend more than fifteen minutes with the parents. Quinn - That's fair. (at Deena Decker's office) Deena - Prioritizing: it's the first step towards streamlining your life. Helen, please share your list of priorities, stating the most important first. Helen - One: spend more time with my family. Two: break through the firm's glass ceiling. Three: beat the pants oft Carly Fishbeck in the library board election . Four: get the spice back into my marriage. Quinn - Mom! Helen - Four: window treatments for the living room. Deena - Great, and what are your priorities Quinn? Quinn - One: dating. Two: shopping. Three: bouncy hair. Four: school. Helen - You don't have to rush, sweetie. Maybe you would like to rethink the ord er.

Deena - Helen, Quinn is just being honest. We can't get anywhere unless we take a hard, honest look at what really matters to us. Helen - One: get the spice back into my marriage. Deena - Quinn, here's your very own Teen Life Runner, just like Mom's. (hands pl anner to Quinn) Helen - My baby's all grown up. Deena - Don't forget to enter this experience on your Proud Moments Summary Page . Quinn - I can't use this thing. It's ugly! Deena - Customized styles are available for an extra charge. (hands Quinn a cata log) Quinn - I'll take the coral. Leatherette. Deena - We also sell a matching lipstick and compact that fit right inside the p lanner. Quinn - Now I'll be attractive, and popular, and organized! (split-screen between Daria and Jane talking on phone; Daria is in her living ro om, Jane is in her bedroom getting dressed to go running) Jane - If they start to drive you nuts, tell them you know this great game calle d "cemetery." They have to lie on the floor and pretend they're dead. The first one to move or make a sound loses. Daria - This whole thing is giving me the creeps. I can't even think about that stupid history paper. Jane - Relax. I'll be there by eight. (Quinn marches by and looks out the window) Quinn - Hey, Daria? What kind of car do you think that is? Daria - See ya later. Jane - Yeah. (Daria hangs up phone and goes over to window) Daria - Isn't that the nouveau riche sports sedan? (sees Quinn writing in her pl anner) What are you doing? Quinn - Date evaluation system. Convertibles get bonus points. Coral! Is life gr eat or what? Bye! (leaves) (Daria looks at her wristwatch, sighs, and starts to leave; she passes Jake, who 's also sitting in the living room and is holding a martini) Jake - Hey Daria, where are you going? It's couples therapy night! Daria - Baby-sitting job, Dad.

Jake - (mutters) Wish I had a baby-sitting job. Daria - What? Jake - Those couples, they're such a bunch of wimps. Always so freaking sensitiv e. Daria - Hang in there, Dad. You'll meet some insensitive couples. I'm sure of it . Jake - Thanks, kiddo! (a short time later, Daria approaches the Gupty house with not a little trepidat ion, as their yard has a ton of cute objects scattered throughout) (Daria walks up and rings doorbell; it's answered by Mrs. Gupty, who looks a lit tle too much like a kewpie doll) Daria - Hi, Mrs. Kewpie. Mrs. Gupty - What? Daria - (quickly recovers) Mrs. Gupty! Mrs. Gupty - Please, Daria, call me Lauren. Come on in, we're almost ready. (Daria enters and sits on sofa) Daria - Hmm. (quietly sings) She'll be comin' around the mountain when she comes ... she'll be comin' around the mountain when she comes... (Daria picks up a framed photo of Tricia and Tad, and her humming abruptly stops as her childhood flashbacks begin) (flashback #1: toddler Daria is seated at a table, baby Quinn in a high chair at the other side of the table, and a gray-haired woman is seated between them, at tempting to feed Quinn; the table is a mess, and Quinn is crying) Daria - Can we punish her now? It's time for her punishment! Can we punish her n ow? (Daria throws a bowl of food that splatters on the table, as the babysitter puts her head down and sobs) (flashback #2: a slightly older Daria and Quinn are fighting on the floor while an elderly woman with a cane watches helplessly) Quinn - Brain! Daria - Brat! Quinn - Brain! Daria - Brat! Quinn - Brain! Baby-sitter - Stop that! Stop that! Oh! (drops cane) It's my heart! (flashback #3: a preteen Daria and a young Quinn are seated between their teenag

ed girl baby-sitter and her boyfriend; she's scowling, he's looking overwhelmed by the situation) Daria - You know, she stuffs her bra. Quinn - Hi, I'm Quinn. I'll be allowed to date in four years. (flashbacks end) Mr. Gupty - Here they are: the little monsters! Mrs. Gupty - Lester! (Daria stares in trepidation at the cute and smiling Tad and Tricia) Mrs. Gupty - We don't let sitters use the phone, but we made an exception for Qu inn after she explained that she calls her grandmother every hour. Daria - My grandmother? Mr. Gupty - To tell her to take her pill. Daria - Oh, yeah. Actually, tonight it's my turn. (the Guptys smile -- "aw, that's so sweet!") Mrs. Gupty - Now, Daria, here's your schedule. As you can see, we've broken ever ything down into fifteen minute increments. Let's review it together. Daria - Do you know a woman named Deena Decker, by any chance? Mr. and Mrs. Gupty - Yes! Daria - (reads schedule) 8:15, discuss current events. 8:30, snack. 8:45, post-s nack flossing. Mr. Gupty - And the vocabulary word for tonight is "indemnification." Mrs. Gupty - We left food for you in the fridge. Have fun kids. Tad and Tricia - Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad! (Mr. and Mrs. Gupty leave, leaving Daria and the kids sitting by themselves in t he very quiet living room) Daria - Okay, you can drop the angel act. Tricia - What do you mean? Tad - Is it time to floss yet? (time passes) Tricia - We're supposed to be discussing current events. Daria - I have a headache. Is that current enough for you? Tad - Is Quinn really your sister? Daria - Yeah.

Tricia - Then how come her hair is so much bouncier than yours? (time passes) Daria - Oh, look, there's been a last-minute change in the schedule. It's time t o watch TV. Tad - But too much TV is bad for you. Tricia - It can turn you into a zombie, Daria. Daria - Well, that'll make three of us. (turns on TV and clicks the remote sever al times, but finds only the Forecast Channel) Your parents put one of those loc k-out things on here, didn't they? All I'm getting is the Forecast Channel. Tad and Tricia - Yay! The five-day report! Tricia - That means the Midwestern Business Planner is next! Tad - See, Tricia, I told you the barometric pressure was falling. Tricia - Know-it-all. (commercials start) Tad - Commercials are bad. Tricia - Commercials lie. Daria - Let's move the snack up to 8:15. We'll get to flossing quicker. Tad and Tricia - Yay! (at Chez Pierre) (Quinn and Skylar are seated at a table, their dinner already consumed) Skylar - Quinn, I know that plenty of guys want to go out with you, and plenty o f girls want to go out with me, and that makes me think we should be together. Quinn - Oh, Skylar, you're number one in my book... by 14 points. (with a slightly confused smile, he slides a credit card into the check folder) Skylar - Will you excuse me? I'll be right back. (after he leaves, Quinn pulls her planner from her purse and looks at the bill; she enters the amount, $86.75, in the calculator, writes a note, and places the planner back in her purse) (at the Gupty house) (Daria removes a tray with three labeled cups from the refrigerator and sits at a table with Tricia and Tad) Daria - Raisins? Tad - Raisins are nature's candy.

Daria - Then why do they have to cover them with chocolate to sell them at the m ovies? Tricia - Sugar is bad. Tad - Sugar rots your teeth. Tricia - Sugar makes you hyper. Tad - Hitler ate sugar. (dissolve to Tad and Tricia's bedroom; they are holding hands and jumping on one of the beds, while a very warped, very scratched record is playing, one which s kips in spots) Tad and Tricia - (singing along with record) "I can hope and I can dream and I a m full of, full of, full of, full of self-esteem! The hare and tortoise had a ra ce, the tortoise won, he took first place, he knew he really passed the test bec ause he did his very best. So very mad was Mr. Hare, he claimed the race, it was n't fair, who won, who cares, it's all the same, what counts is how you play the game. I can hope and I can dream and I am full of, full of, full of, full of se lf-esteem!" (Daria picks up the record and sees just how bad a condition it's in) Daria - This record is shot. Why don't you ask your parents to get you the CD? Tad - Compact discs were forced upon consumers so that record companies could in crease their profit margins. Daria - That's important for a six year old to know. Tricia - Let's play it again! (dissolve to Tad and Tricia lying on the floor, playing "cemetery"; Tad suddenly sneezes) Tricia - I win! Daria - Okay, that's enough "cemetery." Let's play a new game. It's called "lich en." Tad and Tricia - Yeah! Daria - Here are the rules. Lie on the floor and make believe you're a fungus on an old tree trunk. First one to move, or drop a spore, loses. (Tad and Tricia resume their prone positions on the floor as Daria calls Jane) Jane - Yo. Daria - Hey, Grandma, it's time for your damn pill. Jane - Huh? Daria - You were supposed to be here an hour ago. I'm desperate. Jane - I had to wait for my ride. Trent just got back from rehearsal. Relax, I'm on my way.

Tricia (through phone) - Tad dropped a spore! Tad (through phone) - Did not! It was a raisin! Daria - (pleading) Bring junk food... (at the Gupty house) (all three are in Tad and Tricia's bedroom, sitting on one of the beds) Tricia - Quinn always lets me fix her hair. Daria - Her bouncy hair? Find something else to do. Tricia - I guess we can listen to the record some more. Daria - Okay, the hair it is. Tad - I'll shine your shoes! (Tricia starts brushing Daria's hair while Tad shines her boots) Daria - Do you always do exactly what adults tell you? Tad - Yes! Daria - Do you always believe everything they say? Tricia - Yup! Daria - But what if two adults say exactly opposite things? (Tad starts to cry and runs off; Tricia pulls Daria's hair) Daria - Ouch! Tricia - You're mean! (some time later, the doorbell rings; Daria opens the door, her hair done up in two pigtails) Daria - Thank God you're here. Jane - All hail, Pippi Longstocking. Hey Trent, come look at this! (Daria pulls Jane in and slams door) (in Tad and Tricia's room, Jane finishes putting Tricia into her pajamas) Daria - Where did you learn to baby-sit? Jane - I used to help with my sister Summer's kids, till they got old enough to run away. Tad - Can I exfoliate your skin? Daria - Quinn lets you do that? Tad - Quinn doesn't need it.

Daria - Yes, well, you've used "exfoliate," our vocabulary word of the night, so now it's time for bed. Tricia - But the vocabulary word for the night is "indemnification." Daria - Made you say it. Jane - Okay, kids, we're all suited up, so it's time to blast off to sleepy land ! Daria - I guess I just don't speak the language. Tad - But you have to read us a bedtime story first. Tricia - It's on the schedule. Jane - Sure is. Right before ear canal irrigation and praying for world peace. Daria - (looking through books) Mr. Potty Goes to Town... The Tidy Teddy Bear Fa mily... Kaneesha's First Kwanza. Jane - The Ten Arguments for the Elimination of Television Pop-Up Activity Book. Daria - Isn't there something decent to read? Jane - Got some old classics over here. Daria - They'll do. (times passes) Daria - So Cinderella skipped the ball and asked her fairy Godmother to make her the first woman president. Realizing that the monarchy was becoming obsolete, t he prince opened a video store. Tad - That's not how it goes. Tricia - But I like it better this way. (times passes) Jane - And then, the little engine decided that he just wasn't the competitive t ype. (times passes) Daria - So Old Mother Hubbard tracked down the deadbeat loser and made him pay c hild support. (times passes) Jane - And the dish ran away with the spoon, but Hawaii was the only state which would recognize the marriage as legal. (times passes) Daria - And the truth is, no one will ever ask to see your permanent record. Tad - Wow, you guys are smart.

Daria - I think that's enough for tonight. Tricia - Gee, Mom and Dad never told us that people can think for themselves. Tad - Yeah, or that Tom Cruise is five foot four! Tricia - Daria? Jane? How do we know that what you tell us is the truth? Daria - You don't. And that's the greatest lesson of all. Jane - We made up that part about aliens living under the North Pole. Tricia - I thought so. Jane - (laughs) Hey, the kid's gonna be all right! (in the living room, Daria and Jane sit on the sofa as Jane punches buttons on t he remote control) Daria - Well, they're finally asleep. Think you can fix that? Jane - Think I can fix it? (she presses a button and successfully changes the channel) SSW Announcer - Tonight, on Sick, Sad World, a prime-time special about people j ust like you, only more pathetic. Daria - Just in time. Jane - I guess you're not going to work on your paper. Daria - I'll have to get an extension. Right now, I'm having trouble remembering my own name. (Tad and Tricia enter) Tad - Can we have a drink of water? Tricia - Cool! Mud wrestling! (time passes) Tad - Oh, busted! Kick it to the curb, girlfriend! Tricia - This is fun! You're my favorite baby-sitter, Daria. Tad - Me, too! Daria - Just don't tell your parents we let you stay up late. Tad - Do we look stupid or something? Daria - So much progress in one night. (outside the Morgendorffer house) Skylar - So, when do you want to go out again? Quinn - How about a week from Thursday? I'm booked until then.

Skylar - I thought you were my girlfriend now. Quinn - But I can't cancel all my other dates. I have to stick to my commitments . Besides, I wrote them down in pen. Skylar - Wednesday, Eric? But he's my best friend! And who's Bob? Quinn - No that's "B period O period B period." It stands for "boy on bike." I d idn't catch his name. Skylar - Let me see that! Quinn - Hey! (He tries to take planner away, page rips free) Skylar - Wow, what's this! "Long term plans: September, break up with Skylar; Oc tober, go out with Taylor?" Quinn - His parents have a ski house! (at the Gupty house) (Daria, snoozing on the sofa, wakes and quickly changes TV back to Forecast Chan nel seconds before Mr. and Mrs. Gupty walk in) Mrs. Gupty - Hi, Daria. How did it go? Any problems? Daria - It sure is hard to tear them away from their oral hygiene routines, but other than that... Mr. Gupty - Well, thanks for coming over. We'd hate to miss Couple's Therapy Nig ht. Mrs. Gupty - I just love the new picture in your living room. Daria - You were at my house? Mrs. Gupty - Yes, and we had a breakthrough tonight. Your father cried. (Daria's eyes widen with shock) (at Lawndale High, in Mr. DeMartino's class) Mr. DeMartino - Brittany, although your topic, "The Cult of Abs," was an intrigu ing one, I'm afraid that the choice of photo collage, rather than actual text, d id not work to your advantage. Brittany - "D." Bummer. And I ruined all my magazines! Mr. DeMartino - Daria, your paper was excellent, and the original research was t hought-provoking, although it would probably be considered a felony in most stat es. (in the hallway) Jane - "The Real-Life Experiment in Mind Control Deprogramming." Daria - Subtitle: "My Night at the Gupty's." I guess I got inspired.

Jane - Talk about an efficient use of quality time. (at the Gupty house) (the view remains on the outside of the house as we hear Tad and Tricia singing along to the record) Tad and Tricia (VO) - (singing) "I am cool and that is it, and everyone else is full of, full of, full of..." (needle scratches on record, drowning out the last word) Mrs. Gupty (VO) - Tad! Mr. Gupty (VO) - Tricia! (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Too Cute Episode #109 Written by Larry Doyle (Transcript created by Richard Lobinske) (opening theme song) (on the streets of downtown Lawndale, Kevin stands on the sidewalk, his face in "ugly" makeup; he attempts to greet various passers-by, but no matter how animat ed and insistent he becomes, they all ignore him, until finally...) Kevin - Aw, man! (at Lawndale High) (Sandi is talking to Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie in the hallway) Sandi - So I said, "Sure, it's a nice car. Do you have enough gas to get to Lose rville?" (the boys laugh) Joey - That's funny, Sandi! Jeffy - You really know how to tell a story. Sandi - Thanks. Jamie - Tell us about the part with Quinn again. Sandi - Quinn wasn't in that story. It was me, Tiffany, and Stacy. Joey - Well, then, take Stacy out and put Quinn in. (Quinn approaches)

Quinn - Hi, guys! Hi, Sandi! Hi, Joey, hi, Jeffy, hi, Johnny. Joey - Hi, Quinn! Jeffy - Hi, Quinn! Jamie - Hi, Quinn! It's Jamie. Quinn - Hi, Sandi... (Sandi pointedly snubs her, then notices a crowd of girls paying attention to so mething and quietly murmuring approval) Sandi - Oh. (Sandi walks toward the crowd) Joey - So, Quinn, I was wondering if... Quinn - No. (follows Sandi) (when both girls approach, they notice that the crowd is admiring a girl who's g otten a nose job) Stacy - Oh, it's so cute! Tiffany - It's the cutest. Brooke - You think so? I told Dr. Shar... Tiffany - Oh, Dr. Shar, she's the best. Stacy - Everybody uses her. Brooke - I told Dr. Shar that I wanted cute, but you know, not too cute. Sandi - It's not too cute. It's cute, but not obnoxious about it. Brooke - What do you think, Quinn? (Quinn examines Brooke's nose) Quinn - It's cute. Brooke - Just cute? Sandi - Quinn has very high nose standards. Quinn - I said it was cute! Sandi - Oh, like you meant it. "Oh, it's cute." Quinn - Well, at least I thought about it. I didn't just say it was cute without thinking. Sandi - Excuse me? Are you saying we're shallow? Brooke - Wait, you guys were just saying it was cute? Sandi - No, Quinn's just so deep, she thinks we would say something's cute when

it's not cute, which we wouldn't. Tiffany - No way. Sandi - Example: I would never tell Quinn that she looks cute in that thing she always wears. Quinn - I don't have a "thing" that I always wear. Sandi - If you say so. Quinn - I have lots of things which I wear at different times, far apart in time . Sandi - As you wish. Quinn - You're just mad because I said you're shallow. Which I meant in some oth er way! Brooke - So then, it is cute? Sandi - Let's ask an average person. Quinn, there's that girl you know. Let's as k her. (starts waving) Hello! Quinn's cousin or something. (down the hallway, Daria and Jane are talking; they look to see Sandi waving for Daria to approach, and Quinn crossing her arms to tell Daria not to approach) Daria - You'll have to excuse me. My sister wants me to stay away. (walks away a s Jane smirks) Sandi - So Quinn's little friend, or whatever, take a look at this. (Daria examines Brooke's nose) Daria - What is it? Tiffany - It's Brooke's new nose. Isn't is cute? Daria - Don't worry, it'll grow out. (at the Morgendorffer house) (the family is sitting around the kitchen table) Quinn - So I said I thought it was cute. Jake - Really. Quinn - Why doesn't anyone believe me? Helen - What was wrong with Brooke's old nose? Quinn - It wasn't cute. It had, like, an extra bone in it. (Jake drops his fork onto his plate) Daria - Hey, it's almost time for dessert. Can we discuss liposuction now? Helen - I just don't like the idea of you girls talking about cosmetic surgery. Maybe when you're older, and you're doing it for yourself, or there's a sound pr

ofessional reason for it. I mean, you need to be presentable. Yes, it's a double standard, but women in business are judged on their looks, and there's no getti ng around that. But breast implants? I just don't know. Quinn - Right. Helen - I mean, when a woman is elected president, it won't be because she got b reast implants. Daria - At least her people will deny it. Helen - Jake? I could use some help here. Jake - Um, no, honey, you look great. Everybody looks great. Perfect! Helen - That's not what I... Quinn - I'm not perfect. My nose has inperfections. Jake - That's imperfections, sweetie. Quinn - (brings hands to face) I knew it! Jake - Aw, hell. (in Quinn's room, Quinn is looking into her mirror and pushing the tip of her no se up with a finger; she does this several times, with Daria looking on from the doorway, before we hear a loud "snap") Quinn - Ow! Daria - Wanna borrow my stapler? Quinn - Ugh! (slams door in Daria's face) (at Lawndale High) (Quinn is sneaking through the halls, destination unknown) (in Ms. Barch's class) Ms. Barch - Now, Kevin, what happened last week when you walked down the street saying hello to people? (Kevin, still in his ugly makeup, consults a sheet of paper) Kevin - Twelve people smiled back, fifteen said hello, eight said hi. Ms. Barch - And, Mr. Football Hero, what happened this week when you said hello to people wearing your special ugly face? Kevin - Fourteen people pretended not to see me, five crossed the street to get away, seven ran, three called the police, and I'm pretty sure this one guy fired a shot. Ms. Barch - And so, what does this experiment teach us about how the perception of attractiveness affects human behavior? Brittany? Brittany - Oh, Kevvie, what have they done to you?

Kevin - It's just makeup, babe. Brittany - Don't touch me, you freak! (Kevin pulls cotton stuffing from mouth) Kevin - Can I take this stuff off now? I don't like not being liked. Ms. Barch - Put that back! You'll take it off when I crush your ego! Heh, I mean , when the experiment is over. Ms. Li (VO the intercom) - Ms. Barch, will you please send Daria Morgendorffer t o the office? Her sister... Quinn (VO) - Cousin! Ms. Li (VO) - Her cousin needs her. Daria - I don't know how I'll make up the class work. (leaves) Kevin - Not even the wart? Ms. Barch - The wart's the best part! (later, Daria and Quinn are seated on a city bus; Quinn is busying herself looki ng at the various advertisements scattered around the bus) Quinn - What's rhinoplasty? Daria - Exactly what it sounds like. Quinn - Well, they could use it, I guess. Daria - How are the cramps? Quinn - Shut up. Daria - I'm truly touched. Not only did you get out of class by faking sick, but you convinced the nurse to let your sister take you home. (pause) Of course, we don't appear to be going home... Quinn - I need you to be my alibi. Daria - Generally, you want your alibi not to be a witness at the scene of the c rime. Quinn - I just need you here, okay? Daria - Uh, okay. (pause) Why? Quinn - Why what? Daria - Why me and not one of your hundreds of friends? Quinn - I need, uh, someone who's known me for a while and who's like that thing . Daria - What thing? Quinn - You know, honest. (pause) Don't tell anyone. Or I'll just say you follow

ed me. Daria - Right. Good plan. (at the RxPlex) (Daria and Quinn are walking past different medical offices) Quinn - I can't believe those guys went to see Dr. Shar without me. Daria - How do you know they came here? How do you know they didn't just all go to the stuffed animal store without you? Quinn - Did you see the way they looked at Brooke's nose? Where else could they have gone? Daria - But they all have noses like yours. Quinn - Rub it in, why don't you! (at Dr. Shar's Swan Shoppe) (Daria and Quinn enter the waiting room) TV Announcer (VO) - ...noticed how they are unshapely and reported it in a study conducted in 1982. (Daria and Quinn look at TV, cut to image showing apes looking into water) TV Announcer (VO) - From the first time man and woman gazed upon themselves in t he ripples of a sun-dappled pool, human beings have been blessed, and burdened, by awareness of their own image. But what does this have to do with your thighs? Daria - Now how are they going to explain this to the other monkeys? Guy - We've been here an hour! When's my girlfriend gonna get her new rack? Receptionist - Dr. Shar is very busy, sir. Quinn Morgendorffer! Guy - Hey, wait! We were here first! (sees Daria walk past) Oh, whoa, emergency. I understand. (Quinn and Daria enter Dr. Shar's office; the doctor, who looks like she underwe nt her own procedures a few times too often, is seated behind a desk, talking to a patient on the phone) Dr. Shar - (into phone) Of course it's gonna be harder to breathe, hon. Those no strils are itty-bitty compared to the ones you had. Try breathing through your m outh. Go on, try it! In, out. That sounds good. Again, sweetie. In, out. You kee p that going! Bye! (hangs up) So, hello there, Quinn, whichever one of you is Qu inn. What brings you here? Quinn - It's my nose. Dr. Shar - Oh, honey, nothing wrong with that nose. It's a pretty little schnoz! Quinn - It's a schnoz?! Dr. Shar - No! It's the tiniest little thing.

Quinn - Thank you. Can you fix it? Dr. Shar - Oh, honey, I wouldn't touch it. It would be a crime against nature, a nd an ethics violation Dr. Shar just doesn't need right now! But, let's see if w e can't do something. (camera focuses on Quinn) Quinn, would you like to see you rself with cheekbones? Quinn - I have cheekbones. (Dr. Shar manipulates image on computer to give Quinn prominent cheekbones) Dr. Shar - We all do, honey, and maybe that baby fat will drop away and yours wi ll show. You never know. But for twenty-three hundred dollars, this one month on ly, you can be sure. Quinn - I don't have cheekbones! (image of Quinn changes as Dr. Shar makes "improvements") Dr. Shar - All right hon, let's make some lips... dimple you up... two more... s omething's missing... oh! I know! (beauty mark appears on image) And as long as we're here, let's do something about that hair. (Quinn's long red hair is replac ed with curly blonde hair) (Dr. Shar prints out the image, which looks almost nothing like the Quinn we kno w... which, of course, means...) Quinn - I'm too cute! Dr. Shar - And only six thousand dollars, so far. Anything else? Daria - Could I see what she looks like with eyebrow ridges and a large sloping forehead? Dr. Shar - All right, funny gal, your turn! Daria - No. Thank you. Dr. Shar - Nothing to be afraid of. Daria - I'm not afraid. Dr. Shar - It'll be fun! Daria - I don't like fun. Quinn - Come on, Daria. (camera focuses on Daria) Dr. Shar - Oh, where shall we begin? Hmmm... nose, chin, eyes, cheeks, lips, hai r... alrighty! Let's have a look, okay? (Dr. Shar quickly manipulates different parts of Daria's face and hair until the image looks exactly like Quinn) Dr. Shar - It's a start! Quinn - Oh, look, Daria, you're cute! Dr. Shar, do you think maybe I can get a c ouple more of these, wallet size?

(Dr. Shar's waiting room) TV Announcer (VO) - We all know about the terrible atrocities caused by America' s lust for veal, but here's something nice you can do for calves: calf implants! Dr. Shar - Quinn, honey, I like your attitude. You're open to life's possibiliti es. Quinn - I try to be. Dr. Shar - But you, Daria... I hate to see a young lady give up on herself at su ch a early age. Daria - I don't consider rejecting the Dr. Frankenstein approach giving up. Dr. Shar - It puts a frown on my face, and I don't like having a frown on my fac e! Daria - Maybe you can inject collagen into your lips in the shape of a smile. (Dr. Shar gives Daria a box) Dr. Shar - This is for you, Daria. Open it when you got some free time. Then I w ant you to examine it, get comfortable with it, think about it carefully. Change your attitude hon; change your life. Daria - It's not leftover nose pieces, is it? Dr. Shar - Humor may lift your spirits, Daria, but it takes a professional to li ft your buttocks! (laughs) Doctor's joke! Have a nice day girls. And remember, m oney can make anyone look beautiful. (closes door) (the same guy who was complaining to the receptionist comes up to Daria) Guy - Don't worry, you're gonna be all right. (Daria frowns) (Daria and Quinn on city bus) Quinn - I'm a mess, and it'll cost six thousand dollars to fix. Daria - You're not really going to take that woman seriously, are you? She earns her living making people feel bad about their looks. Quinn - You're just mad because she figured you out. Dr. Shar is really smart ab out people. (Daria opens the box Dr. Shar gave her) Daria - Oh, yeah, she's got my number, all right. "Dr. Shar's Pre-Implant Tempor ary Bust Augmentations. For evaluation purposes only." She knew just what I need ed. (lifts object out of box) Practice boobs. (at the Morgendorffer house) (split-screen between Daria and Jane on the phone in their respective bedrooms) Daria - So, first she tells Quinn that she can fix her up for six thousand dolla

rs. Jane - Miss Pert 'N Pretty? What can she possibly need for six G's, other than a new personality? Daria - Wait, there's more. Then she announces for twenty grand, she can fix me. Which means she can make me look like Quinn. Jane - Sheesh, what would you want to look like that loser for? She needs six th ousand dollars' worth of plastic surgery! Daria - And then to top off the day, she sends me home with a pair of fake boobs . Says they'll change my attitude. Jane - Boy, she was really trying to make you insecure. Daria - I know. If I didn't have such low self-esteem, she might have gotten to me. Jane - Anyway, I don't think your attitude's so bad. You probably only need one fake boob. (at Lawndale High) (Tiffany, Stacy, and Sandi all have bandages over their noses when Quinn enters) Quinn - I'm really mad at you guys. Sandi - Oh? Why is that? Quinn - Because you all went to get nose jobs without me! Sandi - But you would never get a nose job. You're not that shallow. Quinn - How do you know? Sandi - Because a really deep person like you has too many important things on h er mind, like the news or something, to pay attention to her appearance. Quinn - That's not true. Sandi - But Quinn, what else could possibly account for your showing up at schoo l in such a dated outfit? Quinn - But you helped me buy this outfit! Sandi - That was days ago. Weeks, if memory serves. Of course, so much time has passed, I could be wrong. Quinn - Well, whatever. Anyway, I could've come along for moral support. Tiffany - Like you were so supportive with Brooke? Sandi - Ohmigod, look! (Brooke enters, looking much more shapely) Tiffany - It's Brooke. Quinn - Oh no! She's beautiful!

(at Lawndale High) (Brooke is showing off her shapely new body to the Fashion Club) Brooke - Hi Sandi, Stacy, Tiffany... (looks at Quinn) ...everybody. Everyone - Brooke! Tiffany - Oh, my God. Brooke, you have such a cute waist! I didn't even know tha t you had one. Brooke - I didn't! Dr. Shar liposucked one out for me. Sandi - Excellent. Brooke - Not only that, she took the fat, you know, that she sucked out, and gav e me these luscious lips. Stacy - It's like a dream come true. Brooke - Dr. Shar says it'll only last a few months, but fortunately I still got my butt. (everyone laughs) Brooke - No, seriously. Dr. Shar says the average female has enough fat in her b utt to keep her lips luscious until she's, like, seventy. Tiffany - God works in mysterious ways. Sandi - Brooke, I must say, and I mean this in a not shallow way, you are totall y cute now. Stacy - Super cute! Brooke - Wait, so does that mean I can join the Fashion Club? Sandi - Who knows? We may have an opening soon. What's the rule? Last hired, fir st hired? (Quinn now looks decidedly nervous) (elsewhere, Daria and Jane are standing at Daria's locker) Jane - You bring 'em? Daria - Yeah. (Kevin walks by in ugly makeup, cane, and humpback) Jane - How's the science project? Kevin - Okay. (rest is lost in cotton-mouthed mumble) Daria - What? Kevin - (takes stuffing out of mouth) Daria! Man, I need your advice. You're use d to being unpopular.

Daria - Thanks. Kevin - It's really bumming me out that people hate the way I look! Daria - Well, a respectable member of the medical community once told me that mo ney can make anyone look beautiful. Kevin - Hey, thanks Daria. (stuffs cotton back into mouth and exits) Jane - What do you think he thinks you meant? Daria - What's the difference? He's gone. Jane - True enough. Well, come on! Where are they? Daria - In here. (points to locker) Jane - Oh, Daria, don't be shy. Show me your boobs. (with a sigh, Daria brings out the box and opens it to Jane's inspection) Jane - Hmm. Why did I think this would be more interesting? (Upchuck enters) Upchuck - Good day, ladies! What's in the box? Art project? Science experiment? Adorable little pet? Arf! Jane - A little of each, Upchuck. Take a look. (Upchuck holds up implant in one hand) Upchuck - Hmmm. Call me country bumpkin, but... what is it? Jane - It's a fake boob. (Upchuck shudders, drops the implant back in the box, and runs away with a screa ming case of the willies) Jane - I guess he's not quite ready for a physical relationship. (Quinn enters) Quinn - Daria! Daria, I need to... (sees Jane) Shoo! Shoo! I need to borrow six thousand dollars. Daria - I don't have six thousand dollars. Quinn - It's an emergency! Jane - Well, if it's an emergency... (reaches into pocket) Quinn - Here's what you do. Tell Mom and Dad that Dr. Shar says you need human g rowth hormone. They'll believe that. Jane - I would. Quinn - But instead, Dr. Shar will do me and charge them for you, and you'll pro bably grow anyway!

Daria - Good plan, but what makes you think Dr. Shar's gonna go for this? Quinn - It was her idea! Daria - I can't have this on my conscience. Quinn - You don't have a conscience. Daria - What I meant was, I don't feel like it. Quinn - You've got to! Where else am I gonna get six thousand dollars? Jane - Take up a collection? (Quinn smiles in appreciation and exits) Daria - You're paying for my therapy. (in the girls bathroom; Quinn is making her sales pitch to Andrea, who is applyi ng eye makeup) Quinn - So you see, when you contribute to my surgery, it's like we're all shari ng the surgery. We're making a statement about solidarity! Andrea - Solidarity? Quinn - You know, sisterhood is powerful! Andrea - Aren't you a little worried that there may be a hell? (in Ms. Barch's classroom) Quinn - It's not even like I'm doing that for me. I'm doing it to bring honor to the school. Ms. Barch - Oh, well then, why don't you apply for a federal grant, dear. Send a n inquiry to the U.S. Department of Deluded Adolescents. Quinn - Is that E-N-T-E or E-N-T-S? (in the cafeteria; Quinn is standing next to two boys, who are seated at a table ) Boy #1 - So, what do we get if we pledge? Quinn - You get to look at me walking around like this all day. (shows picture f rom Dr. Shar) Boy #2 - No, like, what do we get? (both boys laugh, sounding vaguely reminiscent of a certain idiot duo from Highl and, Texas) Quinn - The same thing you're getting now: nothing. (Quinn exits, leaving both boys confused) (in the hallway; Daria, at her locker again, is approached by Quinn) Daria - Pledge drive not going well?

Quinn - People are so shallow! Here, this is all I got and it's for you, from Up chuck. Daria - Why? Quinn - Deposit. He wants to rent that fake boob for the weekend. Daria - Listen, Quinn... Quinn - You know, maybe I should get boobs. I bet if I got some boobs on credit, I can get the rest of the money in no time. Daria - Quinn... Quinn - Or maybe Dr. Shar will give me a part time job sweeping up fat or someth ing. Daria - Quinn... Quinn - I mean, I like being attractive and popular. It's, like, me, okay? So if Dr. Shar makes everyone else attractive and popular, then I'll have to be even more attractive just to keep up, and then if they, like, go back her to catch up to me, then I'll have to go back, and pretty soon it'll be like one of those vi cious things! (melodramatic tone) Where will it end Daria? Where will it end? Daria - You don't need surgery, Quinn. (sighs) I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, and I'll deny I every said it, but there's nothing wrong with you. Physica lly. You've got the kind of looks that make other girls mentally ill. So stop it . You don't need any plastic surgery. You're perfect. Quinn - Why do I bother talking to you? (Stacy and Tiffany enter, holding their noses amidst an alternating chorus of "o hmigods") Quinn - Ohmigod what? Stacy - Did you hear what happened to Brooke? Quinn - Yeah, she's super cute. Tiffany - She had a nasal relapse. Stacy - We were just talking... Tiffany - ...and it was horrible. Stacy - The whole thing... (at the Morgendorffer house) (the family is seated around the kitchen table) Quinn - ...just caved in. Helen - That's horrible! Quinn - You could, like, see her brain. Or, at least, that's what Tiffany heard from Doug who heard it from Brenda whose cousin works in the emergency room.

Daria - At another hospital. In Belgium. Quinn - And her new lips, all the fat on the top slipped down to the bottom. Now she looks like one of those beer dogs on TV. Helen - That poor girl. Quinn - Yeah, now she looks even less cute than she did before. Maybe the Fashio n Club should send her flowers or something. I mean, since I guess she won't be joining anytime soon. Daria - You all must be very upset about that. Quinn - Hmm. Well, we're like a built-in support group for each other. Daria - A regular Khmer Rouge. Quinn - Well, blush is more like it. (in downtown Lawndale, people are lined up on the sidewalk in front of Kevin, wh o's still in his ugly makeup) Kevin - Hi! How ya doing? Here's five bucks. Guy #1 - Thanks, dude! Great to meet you. Kevin - Hey, what's up? Here's five bucks. Guy #2 - Thanks, man. You're pretty cool. Kevin - Hey, cowboy, how would you like five dollars? (kid starts to cry) Kevin - Oh, hey, didn't mean to scare you, little guy! Make it ten. Kid - You're really nice. I like you. (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts The Big House Episode #110 Written by Sam Johnson and Chris Marcil (Transcript created by Richard Lobinske) (opening theme song) (at the Morgendorffer house) (a car pulls up to the curb; after a moment, Daria exits the car) Daria (whispers) - Thanks.

(Daria tiptoes up the sidewalk to the door with her key out, while Quinn watches from behind a shrub) Quinn - Hold it, young lady. Daria - Funny. Quinn - What are you doing out so late? Daria - What are you doing out so late? Quinn - What do you mean? I'm always out this late. Daria - Then you can tell me how to sneak in. Quinn - Well, for one thing, stop tiptoeing around like a geek. Have a little di gnity, Daria. Daria - If I had any dignity, do you think I'd be out here letting you try and t each me how to be cool? Quinn - Whatever. Jake (VO) - What's going on down there! Helen (VO) - More threatening. Jake (VO) - Let me handle it. Darn it, what's going on down there! Helen (VO) - Jake, you sound like such a geek. (the next morning) (Helen and Jake are seated next to each other on one living room sofa, Daria is seated on another, while Quinn is pacing) Quinn - Is this gonna take long? I'm supposed to be somewhere. Daria - Oh? Is there another tight pants sale going on at the mall? Helen - Don't start, girls. Your father and I are very upset that you broke your curfew last night. Daria - I didn't know I had a curfew. Jake - Well, that's interesting, Daria; I didn't, either. But according to your mother... Helen - Jake! The point is, you were out way too late, which is why tonight we'r e going to... Quinn - Destroy our lives with your crushing rules and regulations? I can't brea the, Mother! I can't breathe! Helen - No, tonight we're going to set some... boundaries. And we'd like your in put. Quinn - Well, everybody knows that late curfews should be go to people who can u se them: attractive and popular people with lots of friends.

Daria - Wow! Who said that? Thomas Jefferson? Or was it Barbie? Jake - It can't be Jefferson... Quinn - Of course not. No pin-headed historical person could ever make that much sense. Jake - Really. Helen - All right, girls, forget the input. (Helen takes out two tablets; they look much like classical representations of t he Ten Commandments, and are labeled "RULES") Daria - Hey, does this mean we get to wander in the desert for forty years? Helen - After much hard work, your father and I have come up with a set of guide lines I think we all can live by. Jake - That's right! A lot of thought went into this. (whispers to Helen) Do I h ave to read these? Helen (whispers) - Later. Quinn - Wow, the new system seems really great and interesting, and I can't wait to sit down and really read through it... Daria - Oh, brother. Quinn - ...but right now, I sort of have to go. I have a date. Helen - You can't go out on a date. It says right here that we don't permit that on a school night. Rule Eighteen. Quinn - You know what? You're confused about my use of the word date. I have a d ate to meet with my... uh... algebra study group. Jake - Oh, well, that sounds okay. Helen - All right. But as per the procedure outlined in Rules Twenty-One through Twenty-Six, make sure you sign in when you get back. Quinn - Yeah bye. And don't wait up, you know how study groups are. Jake - Good for you, Quinn! Study hard! Daria - Am I the only one who sees what's going on around here? Helen - Rule Number One: persistent questioning of parental judgment is punishab le. (the next morning) (in the kitchen, Daria, Jake, and Helen are dressed and eating breakfast; Quinn, still wearing her nightshirt, walks in and yawns) Jake - (singing) There she is, Miss American Bookworm. (speaking) You really mus t have been burning the midnight oil last night. Quinn - We weren't burning anything.

Jake - I mean your algebra study group. Quinn - What are you talking about? Jake - The study group you went to. The sign in sheet said you got back at eleve n-thirty... but now that I think about it, I went to bed at eleven-forty-five. H ey, I thought you got that watch fixed? Daria - A couple of times. (toast pops up) Prepare to be busted. (Quinn looks in panic from Jake, who's clueless, to Helen, who's angry, to Daria , who's pleased at Quinn's predicament) Helen - Quinn, were you at a study group last night or did you go on a date? Quinn - Don't you see how your rules are strangling me? Yes, I went on a date, b ut we're in love, and all the rules and regulations in the world can't stop that . Jake - In love? Helen - With whom? Quinn - His name is Cliff. Oop, no wait, it's Clint. I'm not positive, but I can find out at school. Jake - You don't even know his name, and you're in love with him! Quinn - You know what? You're confused about my use of the word love... Jake - (points to tablets) Do you have any idea how many of these rules you've b roken?! (Daria turns one tablet over the other, hiding the text) Daria - How many, Dad? And which ones? Jake - Wha... what's that got to do with it? Quinn - Argh! Okay, ground me. Helen - I wish it were that simple. Jake - Exactly. What? (Helen holds up tablet and points to the words "FAMILY COURT") (at Lawndale High) (Daria and Jane are standing at the lockers) Daria - So instead of saying, "Don't come home so late," now they've created som e elaborate punishment system. Jane - You mean like a spanking machine? Daria - I mean like Family Court. Jane - Due process? Yikes.

(Jodie enters) Jodie - Hey, you guys wanna buy tickets for the faculty-DJ roller hockey game? Daria - Are you kidding? Jane - We'll take two. Daria - What? You're gonna pay to watch teachers skate around with DJs? Classic rock DJs? Jodie - You weren't here last year, Daria. (flashback: Mr. DeMartino pushes puck along the floor, and is body-checked by Ro ck & Roll Randy) Mr. DeMartino - Argh! (clutches chest and collapses to floor) Randy - (now in control of puck) Rock and roll, foreva! Mr. DeMartino - Help... me... (flashback ends) Jodie - Mr. DeMartino had to have an emergency angioplasty. He almost died. Jane - But a voice told him that his work here on Earth wasn't finished. Some of the students weren't wetting the bed yet. This year, he's more determined than ever to snatch victory from the jaws of death. (cut to Mr. DeMartino on exercise equipment, suspended upside-down by his feet a nd doing sit-ups) Mr. DeMartino - Three hundred ninety-eight... three hundred ninety-nine... fooou uur hundred! (stops and hangs inverted) Mr. DeMartino - Ahh... Rock & Roll Randy, this year you're mine. (he lights a cigarette) (cut to hallway) Daria - What are you saying? Jodie - You know how there are people who go to car races on the chance that the y might see a crash? (Daria gives Jodie money) Daria - I'm in. (at the Morgendorffer house) (in the living room, Jake, Daria, and Quinn are watching television) SSW Announcer - What do those Supreme Court judges wear under their robes? Decla ssified government polaroids, next on Sick, Sad World.

(Helen enters) Jake - Hi, honey. Helen - Are you girls ready for your day in court? Quinn - Can't you just punish us? I'd like to pay my check to society and get on with my life. Helen - Your father and I want you to have a fair hearing. Then we'll punish you . Daria - But a court procedure? Isn't that a little bureaucratic? Helen - Bureaucracy is the price we pay for impartiality. Jake - Jefferson! Helen - Stalin. It's all about fairness, girls. That's why your father will make a terrific judge. Jake - I get to be the judge? (Jake pushes a large chair in front of the television) Daria - Look, someone once said, "The most important thing in life is not to loo k like a geek." Do you have any idea how geeky all of this is? (Jake brings in kitchen chairs) Jake - That's it, Daria. All I can say is that I hope you have a darn good defen se lawyer. Daria - A lawyer? Mom? Helen - Sorry, honey, I'm prosecuting. And if I do say so myself, you're going d own. (at the Morgendorffer house) (in the living room, Jake is seated on the chair in front of the television, Hel en is seated on the sofa to the right facing him, Quinn and Daria are seated on the left, also facing Jake) Daria - Let me start by saying that, while I respect the effort that has gone in to this... Jake - Oh, my God, I almost forgot! (grabs the coffee table) Sorry, councilor, t he court requires this accoutrement. (Jake drags the coffee table over and sets the chair on it, so that he is elevat ed) Helen - Oh, for heaven's sake. Jake - There. Family court is now in session. Daria - Careful. Don't fall off the accoutrement.

Jake - All rise. (pause while everyone rises, Daria last) Please be seated. The court calls the case of the family versus Daria and Quinn Morgendorffer. Daria - Dad, what is this? Jake - Dad? I don't see any Dad. Helen - You honor, may the family proceed with our opening statements? Jake - Will you approach the bench please, councilor? (Helen walks over to Jake) Jake (whispers) - How do I look? (Helen shakes head) Helen - You honor, let me make it clear at the outset that this is not a witch h unt. Daria and Quinn are two fine girls who have often made us proud. Daria and Quinn - But... Helen - But that doesn't make them exempt from the simple truth that rules are r ules. (phone rings and Quinn runs to answer it) Quinn (VO) - Hello? Helen - ...or boundaries... Quinn (VO) - Yeah, bye. (Quinn comes back) Quinn - Your honor, I have to go. I, um, made an arrangement to work, uh, on the school's adopt-a-highway prior to this court date. Helen - But we haven't even called you to the stand yet. Quinn - Well, I was going to plead guilty or whatever anyway. I throw myself on the mercy of this, um, honorable court. Jake - The court grants you permission. Quinn - Thanks! (Quinn exits) Helen - Now, then... Daria - Your honor, I plead guilty, and place my faith in your wisdom, compassio n, and your keen sense of fair play. Jake - Well said. Grounded for a month. Daria - What? I wasn't even the one who stayed out late. Helen - We have to set boundaries, Daria. Nobody said the justice system would b e fair.

Jake - Actually, I think somebody did say that. Jefferson or somebody... Helen - What have I told you about backing me up? Jake - Sorry, the sentence stands. You and your sister are grounded for a month. (at Lawndale HIgh) (Kevin, Mack, and Jodie are talking together in the hallway) Kevin - Man, this game's gonna be great! I say Mr. D goes down halfway through t he second period. Mack - That's too late. He's gonna blow out early in the game, while the adrenal ine's high. Jodie - You guys are so insensitive. Kevin - What do you have in the pool, Jodie? Jodie - Third period, two minutes in. Prime cramping time. (sees Daria enter) He y, Daria. What do you have in the DeMartino pool? Daria - I'm not going. I'm grounded. (Jodie, Mack, and Kevin laugh) Jodie - What did you do to get grounded? No offense. Daria - None taken, especially since I'm just the victim of a bizarre experiment in parental justice. Mack - An experiment? On you? Daria - Yeah, they deliberately exposed me to jurisprudence. Kevin - Whoa! That's a little twisted. Daria - Yeah. The sad part is that these are the people responsible for my genet ic makeup. (Mack and Jodie laugh, Kevin looks confused) (at the Morgendorffer house) (the family is seated at the kitchen table) Helen - Great dinner, honey. Right, girls? Daria - Now, off to the exercise yard before lockup. Jake - Hey, that's right! Any final words before grounding official begins? Quinn - This sucks! Helen - What have I said about using that word? Quinn - That you'll ground me or something?

Jake - Hey, I wouldn't want to go back to Family Court if I were you. (chuckles) I hear the judge is pretty tough. (clock chimes) Helen - See? This will fly by in no time. (in the living room, Daria is seated on the sofa reading Herman Melville's Moby Dick while Quinn paces) Quinn - How can you sit there and read a book about an animal? That's so second grade. (Daria buries face farther into book) (in the kitchen, Quinn is seated at the table and talking on the telephone when Jake enters) Jake - Quinn... (Quinn holds up hand) Quinn (into phone) - Uh-huh. Uh-huh. What were his eyes like? Uh-huh. Right. Jake - Honey, I need to make a call. Quinn - I'll just be a sec, Dad. (into phone) What about his hair? Uh-huh. Uh-hu h. Would you say his teeth were round or more squarish? Right. Uh-huh. I know, s quarish is so hot. Now, let's get back to the six other guys he was with. (Jake sighs and leaves) (in the living room, Jake and Helen are on the sofa, Daria is seated on floor; t hey are playing Scrabble; Jake spells out "RATE" on his turn; Daria calmly adds onto that to spell "INCARCERATE") (at the pizza place) (Kevin and Brittany are seated at a booth) Kevin - Then she said her parents are trying to change her generic makeup or som ething! Brittany - They really should. I hate that generic makeup. It gives me hives! Kevin - But it's so freaky, babe, I mean, she's weird enough as it is. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria is seated on the sofa again, reading, while Quinn paces, again) Quinn - You know, the only thing actually worse than reading is watching somebod y else read. (Daria lowers book and smiles) (in the kitchen, Quinn is seated at the table and talking on the telephone when Helen enters) Quinn (into phone) - Really? You think that's going to happen in the next six mo

nths? That would be so great. Helen - Quinn, I really have to use the phone. Quinn - Muh-om! I'm sorry, but I think that learning about my future husband is a little more important right now. Helen - What? Are you talking to that Clint person again? Quinn - Who? No, it's my psychic buddy. Helen - Hang up that phone this instant! Those calls cost a fortune! (takes phon e from Quinn) I'm sorry, but I need the phone and my daughter isn't allowed... w hat? Why, yes, I was about to call a client. Really? I believe he was born in Au gust... ooooh! (hangs up phone) (time passes) (Daria is in her room playing the harmonica; Jake knocks on the door twice, then opens it, causing Daria to stop playing) Jake - Yeah, hi, Daria. I was kind of wondering if maybe you could stop now. Daria - Dad, these tired bones may be locked behind prison walls, but when I pla y this rusty old harp, my soul flies free as a bird. Jake - I'm sorry, honey. You go on and play. Daria - Thank you. (Jake exits; Daria goes to the door and plays loudly) (in the living room, Daria is seated on the sofa yet again, reading, while Quinn paces, yet again) Quinn - Okay, enough already. I can't stand it. Can I please borrow a book? (Daria hands Quinn a copy of Homer's The Iliad) Daria - Try this. I think you'll get into it. Quinn - Ha, ha, very funny. Now give me something that I can read. Daria - No, I think you'll like it. It's about this girl who's so popular that e verybody fights over her. Quinn - Any horses in it? Daria - As a matter of a fact, there's a great big one. Quinn - This is a trick, isn't it. Daria - Yes. (at Lawndale High) (Jodie and Jane are seated on the grass) Jodie - Kevin's all weirded out. He says her parents have come up with some sick punishment that gives her hives.

Jane - They've been giving her hives for years. Look, I spoke to Daria. They're just sitting around the house. Come on, see for yourself. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Helen, Daria, and Jake are at the kitchen table, playing Monopoly; Jake moves o n his turn) Daria - Well, well. The little dog comes home to Park Place. Park Place with a h otel. Dad, I'm afraid you own me sixteen hundred dollars. (Jake counts Monopoly money) Jake - Uhhh, okay... let's see... one... two... eh, twelve... seventeen... I hav e seventeen dollars. Daria - Any property? Jake - It's all mortgaged. Daria - Care to make a deal? Jake - I'd need infinite free passage through all your properties... Daria - I can do that. Jake - ...five thousand dollars... Daria - Keep talking. Jake - ...and all your railroads. (doorbell rings) Daria - I believe we can do business. (gets up to answer door) Helen - Jake! You cannot revoke Daria's grounding. Jake - But I'm losing! (Daria opens door for Jodie and Jane) Jane - See? She's okay. Jodie - I guess so. Jane - Although the clothing would disguise any electrodes below the neck... Daria - What are you talking about? Jane - There've been a lot of rumors about what you've been going through. Daria - It's hell in here. Jane - When does it end? Daria - I don't care. It's been too long already. I've paid my debt. Jodie - You mean...

Daria - That's right. I'm bustin' out. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria is seated on her bed, talking to Jane on telephone) Daria - I made a tape of my harmonica music, I can climb down the lattice in und er three minutes, and I know exactly how often the neighborhood security guy dri ves by. It'll be tight, but I think I can make it. (call waiting beep) Hold on. Jane (VO) - Yeah. (Daria presses call waiting button) Daria - Hello? Helen - Daria, this is your mother. Would you tell Dad that I have to work late drafting a report? Daria - You bet. Go get 'em, tiger. (presses call waiting button) Jane? Jane (VO) - Yo. Daria - (call waiting beeps) Hold on. (presses call waiting button) Hello? Jake - Hey, Daria, it's Dad. Would you tell Mom that I've got dinner with a clie nt tonight? A biggie! Daria - Uh, I'll be sure to leave her that message. Jake - Super. Bye-bye! Daria - (presses call waiting button) Jane? Jane (VO) - Yeah? Daria - New plan. Come over and pick me up. I'll be at the front door. Jane (VO) - Later. (downstairs, Daria opens the front door) Quinn - Hello! Daria - Mom and Dad are taking the night off from being jailers, so I'm taking t he night off, too. Quinn - You're... busting out?! Daria - The confinement has made me desperate. If I don't get out, I'm afraid I might do something crazy. Quinn - Really? Daria - No, I'm going to the roller hockey game. Are you? Quinn - Oh, um, no. I'm not looking for any trouble, but you go ahead. Daria - I suspect you have some scam worked out for yourself, but since I can't

prove anything, I'm asking you not to rat on me. Quinn - ("Godfather mode") Hmmm, okay, yes, I will do this thing you ask. But on e day, I may ask a favor of you. Daria - Never mind. (leaves) (at Lawndale High) (the roller hockey game is in progress in the gymnasium when Daria and Jane arri ve) Daria - Think anything has happened yet? Jane - You mean anything cool? Nah, the ambulance is still in the lot. Mack - Hey, look. Daria's loose. Jodie - See? I told you she was okay. Brittany - She looks fine, for her. Kevin - I don't know... (action intensifies on the floor between Mr. DeMartino and Rock & Roll Randy) Jane - This could be it... (Mr. DeMartino and Randy circling each other over the puck at center of gym) Mr. DeMartino - Come on... take... your punishment like... a man! Randy - I'm not a man, dude, I'm a rocker! Mr. DeMartino - Why you... (takes control of puck and advances) Where's your roc k & roll power now? Hippie! (Randy whacks Mr. DeMartino's leg; he falls, clutching it) Andrea - Yes! Randy - Woohoo! Rock & roll power forever! Mr. DeMartino - My knee! (gets up) Arrgh! Andrea - Damn. Daria - I don't suppose we can get a refund. Jane - He could still have a heart attack. He tries walking on the bad knee, and the pain is so bad his heart stops. Daria - Right. Jane - Just trying to find the silver lining. Kevin - They did mental stuff to her. I can tell. Brittany - Nobody better try that on me!

Jodie - Yeah. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Quinn is asleep on the sofa, a book resting on her chest, when Helen walks in t he front door) Helen - Quinn? Quinn - (pushes book off) Ugh! Get off me! Helen - Where's Daria? (at Lawndale high) (Ms. Barch has Randy in a headlock and is punching the daylights out of him, to the cheers of the crowd) Ms. Barch - It's payback time, Randy! Jane - Hey, this isn't so bad! Daria - Beats Monopoly. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria walks up the driveway to see a boy tossing stones at Quinn's bedroom wind ow) Tommy - Quinn! Quinn! (Quinn opens window) Quinn - Tommy, go away. Tommy - But you said... Quinn - You're two hours late, jerk. (notices Daria) Oh, hi, Daria! (the next day) (Quinn and Daria are seated on the living room sofa) Quinn - Mom flipped last night when she found out where you went. Daria - And how did that happen? Quinn - I really don't know. Oh, look, here she is now. (Quinn slips out of the room as Helen and Jake enter) Daria - Your honor... Jake - Haven't you already made enough mockery of our judicial system? Daria - I just want to confer with my distinguished counterpart on the prosecuti on. Helen - (warily) That seems fair.

(in the kitchen, Daria is seated at the table while Helen stands and leans over the table like she's grilling a witness) Helen - You can't seriously expect me to plea bargain. We're talking about a rep eat offender here. Daria - Okay, the kid screwed up, but she's not a hard case yet. She could go ei ther way, unless you send her back to prison. Helen - Daria, it's our policy to be tough, especially on youthful transgressors . Daria - But think of the effort you have to spend on incarceration. Scrabble... Risk... Monopoly... Operation. Helen - I see your point. (in the living room, Daria is seated on one sofa, Helen and Jake on another) Jake - Well? Helen - Your honor, the family has offered to settle. Daria agrees to parole. Daria - I have to call in if I'm going to be in later than 7:00 PM. (Quinn enters) Quinn - So what happened? Does Daria have to pave the driveway or something? Daria - I got off. Enjoy prison. Quinn - Wait a minute! Helen - Daria has proven that she understands the necessity for discipline. Quinn - But you're sending me a bad message about whether I understand that... w hatever you said. Jake - Good point. Helen - Well, we'll give you parole on a trial basis. Quinn - Okay. If Tommy calls, tell him I'm on my way. (leaves) Daria - Listen, this new rules things wasn't a total failure. (hold up harmonica ) Would you like to hear some Junior Wells? Helen - You know what? Why don't you go out and find your friends and have a goo d time. Jake - Come home late. Ten-thirty. Daria - Hey, thanks. (plays a few notes before leaving) (at the pizza place) (Daria and Jane are seated at a booth) Jane - So, basically, you've convinced them that you were too dull to be worth g rounding.

Daria - Exactly, and the sad thing is, it's kinda true. (Kevin enters and peers at Daria) Daria - Kevin, I already told you, my parents did not conduct experiments on me. Kevin - I know, I know, but seriously, now tell me the truth. Daria - (sighs) All right. I had a magnetic device implanted in my head. Kevin - I knew it! What does it do? Daria - It attracts gullible boys. Kevin - Cool! Does it work? Daria - It's working right now. (Kevin looks around for a moment before finally figuring out what Daria meant) Kevin - Whoa! Dude! That is very uncool. (leaves) Daria - There's no sadder sight on this Earth than a football player trying to t hink. Jane - Who said that? Daria - I believe it was Jefferson. (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Road Worrier Episode #111 Written by Anne D. Bernstein (Transcript created by Richard Lobinske) (opening theme song) (at the Lane house) (close-up on TV screen showing a cigarette-smoking monkey pounding on a computer keyboard) SSW Announcer - Can monkeys surf the net... and corrupt our kids? Chimpanzee cha t rooms, next on Sick, Sad World. (pull back to reveal Daria seated on Jane's bed, remote control in hand; suddenl y, a glue gun appears, aimed at her head) Daria - Put down your weapon. I surrender. (pull back to reveal that Jane, of course, is holding the glue gun; she's been w orking on several sculptures) Jane - A little respect for the Stickmata 5000. Finest glue gun on the market.

Daria - And I thought you were on your way to a sci-fi convention. Jane - (kneeling) No, thanks. Reality is bizarre enough for me. (glues objects o nto sculptures) Why do I get so much fun out of this? Daria - Past life as a barnacle? (reaches out to touch one of the sculptures) Jane - Don't touch! It took hours to build. It's the subject of a painting. Daria - You're going to end up one of those old ladies who build their houses ou t of bottles, aren't you. (suddenly, the loud sound of a guitar shakes room and cause the sculpture that D aria was about to touch to collapse) Daria - There goes your genius grant. Jane - Yeah, but maybe Trent will share his with me. Daria - That's Trent? Jane - (gets up) Come on, Daria. Let's go complain about the noise, hmm? Daria - I don't find it a problem. Um, I have unusually sturdy eardrums? Jane - I think Trent's band might have an opening for a fly girl. (grabs Daria b y the arm as she leaves the room) Daria - I think I might have an opening for a new friend. (they descend into the basement as another guitar riff shakes the house, only th is time there are two distinct guitar sounds) Daria - Isn't that two guitars? Jane - Yeah. The other one's Jesse. He plays rhythm in Mystik Spiral. Daria - "Mystik Spiral"? Jane - Trent's band. Daria - Sounds like one of those Doors cover bands that play brew pubs. Jane - Heh, they wish! (Trent and Jesse start playing guitars; they aren't exactly Jimmy Page and Jimi Hendrix) Trent - (singing) "You're an angel in black / You sure have a knack / For puttin g my heart on a shelf in the back / I'm waiting my turn / Oh, when will I learn? / My poor heart, you're giving it freezer burn. Yeah..." (they resume playing; it hasn't improved) Jane - Yo, Trent! (guitar playing stops) You wanna turn it down a bit? Trent - Are you kidding? Hey, Daria. Daria - (VO) Can't speak... must speak... (spoken) Hey.

Trent - Whadda ya think of the song? Daria - (VO) It has a beat and you can dance to it, if you have no shame. (spoke n) Cool. Trent - It's called "Icebox Woman." Jesse - You guys oughta come to the next Mystik Spiral gig. We'll put you on the list. Jane - Daria thinks the name Mystik Spiral sounds like a Doors cover band that p lays brew pubs. Don't ya, Daria? Daria - That's not exactly what I... Trent - Hmmm... maybe you're right. Would it help if we spelled mystik with two Y's? Daria - (VO) And I'll spell my name D-A-R-Y-A and be crowned Miss America. (spok en) It might. Jesse - We doing a show this weekend? Trent - Nah, we're going to Alternapalooza this weekend. Jane - You're going to Alternapalooza? Jesse - Yeah. It's way out in Swedesville. Jane - You think your car will make it? Jesse - We're borrowing our drummer's van, the Tank. It's indestructible. Trent - Yeah, but you know, Jess, it eats gas. I don't know what we're going to do for gas money. Jane - I could probably scrounge some up, if you let us come along. We'd enjoy t hat, wouldn't we, Daria? Daria - (VO) Pass me a guitar string so that I might silence my friend. (spoken) Uh-huh. Trent - Okay, cool, we're there. If you can stand being cooped up in a van with Jesse and me for four hours. (Daria now looks like a deer frozen in a car's headlights) (at Cashman's Department Store) (the Fashion Club members are examining clothes for "alternative" fashions, in p reparation for Alternapalooza) Sandi - Friends don't let short-waisted friends wear hip-huggers. Stacy - (holds up dress with a security tag attached) I hate these big plastic t hings. They're so ugly! Quinn - If I were gonna shoplift, I wouldn't take that cheap thing.

Sandi - Quinn, cheap is in this season. Quinn - Oh, then get it, definitely. Tiffany - Why are we going to Alternapalooza? Ugh. Isn't that for girls who don' t shave? Sandi - As members of the Fashion Club, we have to keep up with the latest trend s in music and clothes. Quinn - And show everyone that popular kids can be as alternative as geeks. Tiffany - (holds up an outfit) Is this alternative? Sandi - If you tuck the top in, no. If you let it hang out, yes. Quinn - Do I have to wear clunky shoes? Sandi - (sighs) When you wear big shoes, the rest of you looks even cuter by com parison. Quinn - Oh. I get it. Maybe I'll shave my head! (everyone laughs) Tiffany - You crack me up, Quinn. Quinn - Look, temporary tattoos. Woo-hoo! (Sandi looks, then nods in approval) (at the Morgendorffer house) (the family is sitting around the kitchen table) Helen - Quinn, what is that thing on your arm? (points at tattoo on Quinn's arm) Quinn - Don't worry, Mom. It's fake. Daria - Aww, you got a tattoo to match your personality. Quinn - I'm going to Alternapalooza this weekend. This is so I'll fit in. Daria - And if some guy named Pigpen asks you to be his old lady, hell, you'll b e ready. Quinn - I'm also thinking of having my belly button pierced at the mall... Jake - What? No daughter of mine is going to mutilate her body for the sake of s ome fad! Quinn - Then can I have $29.95 for a removable nose ring? No piercing required! Daria - Good idea. You don't need any more holes in your head. Helen - Daria... Quinn - Hey, Mom, did you go to any festivals back in the sixties? Helen - Oh, sure. I did my share of partying.

Daria - You mean you experimented with... Helen - No! Your father went to one of the most famous festivals of the decade. Quinn - Woodstock? Jake - Altamont! Terrible tragedy, but I demanded my money back and I got it. Daria - Wasn't Altamont free? Jake - (laughs) That's the same line they tried to use on me. (in Quinn's room, Quinn is trying on different outfits, tossing various rejected clothes all over her room) (in Daria's room, Daria opens her closet to show it's almost empty) (back in Quinn's room, Quinn is posing in front of her mirror when Daria enters, clad in jeans and a black T-shirt) Daria - Where'd you get that eye-popping polyester number? Quinn - Daria, it's all about knowing where to shop. (sees Daria's outfit) Wow, you look almost normal. Is this some kind of trick? Daria - No. I'm going to Alternapalooza. Quinn - (panics) Ah! Daria - Don't panic. I think we'll be able to lose each other in a crowd of ten thousand. Quinn - I guess. You're not going to Alternapalooza with that top tucked in, are you? (in the living room, Jake and Helen area seated on a sofa when Daria enters; her T-shirt is no longer tucked into her jeans) Helen - Have fun at the concert dear. Daria - Um, thanks. Jake - (laughs) Hey, stay away from the brown... Helen - Jake! Jake - Remember, Daria: just say no. Here's a twenty, for souvenirs or what have you. I gave one to Quinn, too. Get yourself something rad. Daria - (takes bill) Thanks. Uh, what are you guys gonna do today? Helen - Pay the bills. Jake - Wash the cars. Daria - Wow. Well, remember to take plenty of rest breaks and stay hydrated. Bye . (Daria exits; Helen and Jake run to the window to watch her leave)

(at the Morgendorffer house) (outside, Daria and Jane wait for Trent and Jesse to arrive) Jane - (faux French accent) Oooh, la la. Is that lipstick? (Daria covers her mouth with her hand) Daria - I just had a lollipop. Jane - Sure you did, kid. (the Tank pulls up and stops; Trent is driving, Jesse is in the passenger seat) Trent - Ready? Sorry, there's only two seats up here, but there's plenty of spac e in the back. Jane - (opens sliding door) Daria, why don't you sit in front with Trent? Daria - Oh, I'd much rather be in the back with you, Jane. (sotto voce) Easier t o get to your neck. Jesse - Girl talk, huh? Jane - You know Daria. She's a regular chatterbox. (Jane sits on a steamer trunk; Daria bumps her head getting in, closes the door, and sits beside Jane on the trunk) Trent - Watch your head. (the Tank drives off; moments later, a yellow convertible parks in the driveway and a Jeep parks at the curb) (Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie get out of the convertible and walk up to the front door ) Joey - You know the problem with alternative bands? Jeffy - Uh, they're a bunch of cry-babies who suck at sports? Joey - Yeah! (Jamie rings doorbell while all three laugh) Jamie - Ya think the chicks at this thing will be pierced? Joey - Piercing is so stupid. Jeffy - It's bad enough when they have braces. (Quinn opens the door; she's sporting a nose ring) Jamie - Cool nose ring, Quinn! Jeffy - You look really alternative! Joey - Yeah, I never realized your nose was so... hot!

(inside the Tank) Jane - ("tough girl" accent) - Yo, hi. I'm Dolores. I'm doing ten to fifteen for armed robbery. What are you in for? Daria - My head hurts. Jane - (still with the accent) The cops did that to you, didn't they? Bastards. (the Tank pulls up to a toll booth) Trent - Hey, Jane, got any change? Jane - Hey, Trent, got any shame? I already gave you all my cash. (Trent digs change from pocket and pays toll before driving away) Jesse - Oh, man. That was Curtis Stalano. Jane - Who? Trent - He graduated with us. Now he's working in a toll booth. Whoa. Jesse - You'd never catch me in a job like that. Daria (VO) - Because it falls under the category of employment. Trent - Hey man, we're artists. Who knows where we'll be in five years. Daria (VO) - Still living over your parent's garage? Jane (loud whisper) - Say it, Daria. Whatever you're thinking, say it. If you do n't, they'll go on like this for hours. Jesse - We've got a vision. Trent - Eyes on the prize, man. Eyes on the prize. Jesse - Yeah, and this guy's not about selling out. Trent - No way. Jane - 'Cause for that to happen, you'd need someone interested in buying. (paus e) Well, someone had to pick up the slack! (they drive past a billboard advertising new homes for sale) Trent - (reading billboard) "If you lived here, you'd be home by now." Daria - And bored out of your mind. (raises hand to mouth when she realizes she blurted that one out) (Trent and Jesse laugh) Trent - Good one, Daria. (the Tank speeds up and swerves to pass a slow-moving car) Daria - Can somebody open up a window, please?

Trent - Wish I could. All the handles are missing. (the Tank goes over bump, knocking Daria and Jane off trunk) Trent - Whoa. (short laugh) Didn't see that one coming. Jane - (peeved) Let us know if you do see one coming. Jesse - Anybody else smell peanut butter? Daria - What am I sitting on? (Daria turns to face away from Jane, who peels a sandwich off of Daria's butt) Jane - Looks like a sandwich... and it's an antique! (elsewhere on the road, Kevin is driving his jeep, Brittany is talking on a cell phone in the passenger seat, while Jodie and Mack sit in the back seat) Brittany - (into phone) I can't believe it! Gordon and Victoria? She's six inche s taller than him! What's she thinking? (Brittany lashes arm out in surprise, hitting Kevin and causing the Jeep to swer ve) (meanwhile, back in the Tank, a bee flies around inside) Jesse - That peanut butter is making me hungry. Jane - Killer bee alert! Daria - Great. Jane - Hey, Jesse, hand me that map? (Jesse hands her a rolled up-map; cut to view of Trent and Jesse) Jane (VO) - Come here, you stupid... hold still, Daria... you're mine sting boy. .. (sound of paper slapping against something) Daria (VO) - Ouch! (cut to Daria; she's rubbing a large, red sting welt that is forming on her fore arm) Daria - It stung me! Jane - He'll never do it again. Daria - Why didn't I just stay home, where it's nice and quiet and nothing ever happens? (outside the Morgendorffer house, silhouettes of Jake and Helen can be seen thro ugh the large corner window; Jake is chasing her around the living room) Jake - Woooo! Helen - Stop!

Jake - Oooh! Foxy lady! (both laugh and continue the chase) (the Tank parks at Mom's Diner and all four get out) Jane - I hate to tell you this, but there's a big, greasy spot of peanut buttery goodness on your butt. Daria - Of course there is. (all four are seated at a booth inside the diner, Jesse and Trent on one side, D aria and Jane on the other, while a waitress takes their order) Waitress - Okay, that's a meatloaf, open turkey with fries, box of Frosted Flake s... those are pretty small, hon. Just one? Jesse - You're right. Make it five. Waitress - (to Daria) And you? Daria - Dry toast and tea, please. Waitress - I thought you looked depressed. You want a booster seat? (short laugh before turning and yelling) Five boxes of flakes and one nausea delight! (norma l voice) You kids going to that rock 'n roll shindig out near Swedesville? Daria - No. We made a wrong turn on our way to Paris. (Jane, Trent and Jesse laugh) Waitress - You've got a mouth on ya, don't ya? Daria - Why? Waitress - Ever thought of becoming a waitress? (on the road, Sandi is driving a yellow convertible, with Quinn, Stacy, Tiffany, Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie all crammed in with her) Quinn - What's that smell? Stacy - Uck! A skunk! (top on the convertible rises and the car speeds up) (at Mom's diner, Daria and Jane are in the women's bathroom) Daria - Can you rig that glue gun of yours to shoot bullets? I'm ready to end my suffering. Jane - Well, you're not your usually sunny self. Daria - (scowling) I've got a bump on my head, a bug bite on my arm, a sandwich on my ass... Jane - And all in front of Trent. Daria - Now turn the knife counterclockwise. I can't go back out there. You go o

n to Alternapalooza; tomorrow, I'll emerge and begin my new life as a waitress. Jane - Daria, if there's one thing I know about my brother is that he's obliviou s. There's no need to be self-conscious. Daria - (sighs) Okay. Jane - Now what are you gonna do about that stain on your butt? (Daria glares at Jane) Jane - I'm kidding! It looks alternative. (on the road, the Tank is stuck in bumper to bumper traffic; slow montage of Dar ia, Jane, Jesse, and Trent's faces) Trent - This is like that R.E.M. video, except you can't read anyone's mind. (the text "Thank God" is shown under Daria's face) (cut to exterior view of stalled traffic and cars honking horns, then back to in side the Tank) Daria - (loudly) I shouldn't have had that tea. Jane - (loudly) You have to go? There's some trees over there! Trent - (loudly) What the matter, Daria? You gotta whiz? Jesse - (loudly) What's wrong? Trent - (loudly) It's Daria. She has to pee. Jesse - (loudly) You have to pee, Daria? You can pee behind those trees. See tho se trees? You can pee behind there! (Daria gets out of van and walks toward trees) Daria - If I'm not back in ten minutes, don't send help. (view of shrubs and trees along side of road) Daria (VO) - I knew I should've taken ballet. (pause, then sound of squirrel) St op staring at me, you squirrel pervert! (Daria trips as she comes out from behind shrub) Daria - Ow! (Daria enters van and closes door) Trent - Cool, Daria? Daria - Yeah. I'm ready for my abuse, Mr. DeMille. Trent - Hey, I think the traffic's letting up. (traffic begins moving) Daria - They're not going to make fun of me?

Jane - For peeing in the woods? They're in a band, Daria. Those boys puke on eac h other on a regular basis. Jesse - (to Trent) That reminds me: you owe me a shirt. (at Mom's diner, the Fashion Club and Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie are standing at the entrance) Tiffany - Ugh, stretch pants. Everywhere, stretch pants. Stacy - Hey, these are stretch pants! I'm wearing stretch pants! (Stacy panics and starts to hyperventilate; Sandi rushes over, grabs her arms, a nd shakes) Sandi - They're leggings! They're leggings! (Stacy lets out a high-pitched squeak of relief) Sandi - It's all right. (the same waitress as before walks over and looks at them) Waitress - Three cheeseburger deluxe, four house salads. (pause) With oil and vi negar on the side! (elsewhere, Kevin, Brittany, Mack, and Jodie are already sitting at a booth) Brittany - What do you mean, they don't have bathrooms at this thing? Is this yo ur idea of a joke? Kevin - But, babe... Jodie - Brittany, how can you be so naive? It's strictly portable toilets. Brittany - No way! Gross! Next, you'll be telling me I have to sit on the ground ! (Kevin, Jodie, and Mack look at each other) (inside the Tank; the four are playing a game to pass the time) Jane - Your turn, Trent. We're up to D. Trent - I'm going to the picnic, and I'm bringing asbestos insulation, brine shr imp, the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney... and a dromedary. Daria - I'm going to the picnic, and I'm bringing asbestos insulation, brine shr imp, the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney, a dromedary, and... a Eurocen tric view of world history. Jane - I'm going to the picnic, and I'm bringing... (the van hits a bump and Daria's glasses fly off) Daria - My glasses! Trent - Sorry! Hey, Janey, I saw that one coming.

(Jesse holds up broken glasses) Jesse - Don't worry. I can fix them. Jane - Need the glue gun? (holds it aloft) Daria - Keep that thing away from me. You'll miss and glue my eyelids shut. Jesse - There's some tape in the back there. (view of Daria's face with the bridge of her glasses held together with duct tap e) Daria - Duct tape. Great. Jane - It's fine. It looks alternative. (the Tank suddenly start sputtering, and Trent pulls it off the road before it f inally dies, steam rising from engine) Daria - Now my day's complete. (Sandi's car and Kevin's Jeep drive past the Tank) Stacy - (to Quinn) Wasn't that your cousin back there? Quinn - (distracted by her mirror) What? Sandi - What's that smell? Stacy - Uck! Fertilizer! (top on the convertible rises and the car speeds up) (Trent, Jesse, Jane, and Daria are gathered in front of the Tank's open hood; Ja ne holds an engine part) Jesse - What do we do now? Jane - There's a noise wall up ahead. There must be houses behind it. Daria, you and Trent stay here; Jesse and I will find a phone and call for help. (leans in ) Great plan, huh? (Daria's wide-open eyes shows how great she thinks it is) (Sandi and Kevin's cars drive past a sign for the Wappington Mills Outlet Center ) Quinn - Outlet shopping! Sandi - Change of plan! (Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie start to protest as Stacy starts making triangle hand mo tions to Kevin's Jeep) Mack - What is that? A pyramid? Jodie - A mountain? Kevin - A square?

(Sandi's car exits highway next to sign for outlet center) Brittany - A clothes hanger! Outlet shopping! (Brittany grabs steering wheel and drives Jeep onto exit) Kevin - Heeeey! (roadside, Daria sits next to Trent, who is tuning an acoustic guitar) Daria - What chord is that? Trent - G. Daria - Oh. (pause) Umm, nice tattoo. Tribal? Trent - Maori. I copied it out of Tattoo World's international issue. Daria - Very graphic, and meaningful. Trent - Yeah, it makes a statement. You know what it is? Daria (VO) - I got a tattoo out of a magazine? Trent - I got a tattoo out of a magazine. (both laugh) Daria - I guess it's better than trying to copy one off the TV. Trent - Daria, do you ever feel like maybe you're wasting your life? Daria - Only when I'm awake. Trent - Like, no money, no job, you live with your parents, and you still can't play an open D tuning. Daria - Well, I haven't had those exact thoughts... Trent - Maybe I will end up a townie doing Doors covers. I mean, who's to say, r ight? Daria - Umm, you know, Trent, it takes a lot of guts to go after a dream, especi ally when you know that failure can mean spending the rest of your life playing "L.A. Woman"... in public. Trent - Hmm. I guess. Daria - And even if it doesn't work out, at least for now you're doing exactly w hat you want to. Trent - Yeah, that's true. Daria - A lot of people never even get that far. Trent - I guess I'm not doing too bad. You know, Daria, sometimes it's hard to b elieve you're in high school. Daria - I find the situation unbelievable myself.

Trent - You're pretty cool. Daria - Thanks. (she smiles) Jane (VO) - Yo. (Jane and Jesse enter) Trent - So? Jane - There was nothing behind that wall but a cornfield, and the corn wasn't v ery helpful. Jesse - Helpful Corn! That's a cool name for the band. Trent - Even better than Mystik Spiral, huh, Daria? (he winks at Daria) (Jane uses the glue gun on an engine line; cut to Trent in the driver's seat as he succeeds in starting the engine) Trent - (leans out window) All right. Jane - (holds up gun) I knew this would come in handy. Daria - Stop pointing that thing at me! Jesse - Let's go. We can still catch some of the show. (heavy traffic on road going away from concert) Jane - Uh, maybe not. (two guys approach with a third guy supported between them; the third guy is qui te stoned) Trent - Why's everybody going the wrong way? Guy #1 - The concert's over, man. Stoned Guy - It was amazing. Where am I? Jesse - Is he all right? Guy #2 - Oh, yeah, he's cool... just, you know, a little sleepy. Stoned Guy - (looks at Daria) Are you my Mommy? (Daria rolls her eyes) (the Tank driving back at night; Daria, smiling, sits up front, while Jane and J esse lean against each other, asleep, in back) (at the Morgendorffer house) (in the morning, Jake and Helen are in the kitchen; they're eyeing each other as Helen hums and makes pancakes -- in a very seductive manner -- on the counterto p grill) Helen - I should really make pancakes more often. The batter's so sensual.

Jake - Like batter, like chef! (Daria and Quinn enter) Helen - Hi, girls. Jake - How was the festival? (Daria and Quinn look at the other and quickly exit; Helen and Jake go back to e yeing each other) (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts The Teachings of Don Jake Episode #112 Written by Glenn Eichler (Transcript created by Richard Lobinske) (opening theme song) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Jake is seated at the kitchen table, unhappily going through bills; Quinn walks through) Quinn - Daddy, remember that tutoring you wanted me to take for math? It's gonna be fifty dollars an hour. Jake - Fifty dollars an hour? (Helen enters and sits next to Jake) Helen - Well, I got the bad news from the periodontist. Six months worth of gum work, eight hundred dollars a month. Jake - Eight hundred dollars a month?! (Daria enters and deposits mail on table) Daria - Mail's here. Did you know Congress still spends two hundred and fifty bi llion a year on the military? Jake - Two hundred and fifty billion a year?!! (pounds fist on table) Dammit, th at's it, Daria! What am I? Made of money? Helen - Jake, were you listening? Daria said... Jake - Tutoring, dental work, Congress! I'm not a machine, dammit! I'm a man! Fo r once in my stinkin' life, show a little... gah! Ah! Ah! (holds eye) Helen - Oh, Jakey, not again. Jake - It's my eye! Oh, God, it's my eye! (moves hand away to show one eye red f rom a burst blood vessel)

Daria - Oh, no! (sotto voce to Quinn) Get the camera. Quinn - Ugh! Helen - No camera, Daria. (sighs) Remember what the doctor said last time you bu rst a blood vessel? Jake - Yeah, he said it would be two hundred dollars. (Helen holds Jake's hand to reassure him) Helen - Before that. He said we need to cut down on your stress, and we're going to do that this weekend. We're going camping like we used to before... (looks at Daria and Quinn; "yes, Mom, we're still in the room") Helen - I'll take Friday off and we'll make a long weekend of it. Daria - You're going to take a day off? Helen - Daria, a healthy happy family comes before work. Always. Besides, I have vacation time coming and Eric told me that if I don't use it, I lose it. (pound s fist on table) Dammit! Those bastards aren't gonna take away my days. Come on, Jake, let's find the painkillers. (Helen leads Jake away while Daria and Quinn take seats at table) Quinn - Don't worry about us, Mom. We'll be fine. Right, Daria? Daria - Absolutely. No guests, no late nights... Helen (VO) - Don't even bother, girls. You're coming with us. Quinn - (pounds fist on table) Dammit, Daria! You could've sounded like you mean t it! (leaves) (after a moment, Daria softly pounds fist on table) Daria - Dammit! It's my turn to say dammit! (at the Lane house) (close-up of TV screen showing two people climbing a disgusting-looking mountain ) SSW Announcer - Guano see some gutsy climbing? Scaling the world's tallest pile of seagull droppings, next on Sick, Sad World. (pan out to Daria and Jane seated on Jane's bed) Jane - Lemme get this straight. You, Jake, Helen, and Princess Grace are going c amping? Like in the woods camping? Daria - I hope the raging envy you're feeling won't affect our friendship. Jane - I do envy you. Daria - Then I'm afraid the fever has reached your brain, and you'll have to be destroyed.

(Jane begins packing suitcase) Jane - Do you know where I'll be this weekend? The Lane family reunion. Dozens o f Lanes from all over the country converging in one Midwestern split-level to re mind themselves why they scattered in the first place. Daria - Wow. I didn't think your parents would be caught dead at something like that. Jane - They wouldn't. We're the black sheep of the clan. We're only invited beca use hating us brings them all closer together. My parents are much too smart to fall for that trick. Daria - I thought so. Jane - So, they're sending me and Trent as their representatives. Daria - You know, a weekend in the woods is starting to look pretty good. Jane - A weekend on the world's tallest pile of seagull droppings is starting to look pretty good. (in the forest) (the Morgendorffers arrive at a clearing with camping gear) Jake - (singing) "Give my regards to Broadway / Remember me to Harold's Square / Tell all the gang at 42nd Street / That I will soon be there..." (spoken) Is th is great, or what? For the next 72 hours, we're going to live off what nature se nd our way! (points) See that stream? That's our drinking water! (points) See th ose berries! That's our breakfast! Daria - See that skeleton? That's our future. (everyone looks; there's nothing there) Daria - Made you look. (on an airplane) (Jane and Trent, wearing sunglasses, are seated next to a woman wearing a large straw hat; Trent is wearing headphones) Jane - Trent. Trent. (she pulls headphones away from his ear) Trent! Trent - (wakes up) Officer it's not even my car. (sees where he is) Ah, Janey. W hat? Jane - Let's talk strategy. I don't wanna arrive without a plan. Trent - Hey, I already thought of that. As soon as we get there, we find a bar, and we don't leave it until we're unconscious. Jane - Good plan. But, first of all, they probably wouldn't serve me. Second, I don't want to pass out. And third, right before you pass out, you'll decide it's time to be honest with everyone. Trent - Oh, yeah. Bad idea. Don't want to be honest with Aunt Ellie about her va cation pictures.

Jane - Or Cousin Jimmy about his modeling career. Trent - Or Aunt Bernice about her hats. Jane - Who's Aunt Bernice? Trent - You know, from Middlebury? She wears those straw hats. Thinks they're co untry or something. They look like the kind they put on horses to keep the sun o ff their heads. (Jane looks over to her right, at the scowling woman wearing the large straw hat ) Jane - You say she's from Middlebury? Trent - Yeah. Jane - So, we'd be flying out of the same airport. Trent - Yeah, yeah, Janey. What's your point? (lifts sunglasses and looks to his right) Aunt Bernice - Hello, Trent. Trent - Um... hello, Aunt Bernice. (lowers sunglasses) I like your hat. (Jane puts her hand to her head in an "ah, jeez" gesture) (in the forest) (the Morgendorffers stand in a circle in the clearing) Jake - Total isolation! Helen - No phone, no fax, no e-mail, no voicemail! No way to contact the outside world! What a luxury. Jake - Tonight, we'll tell spooky stories around the campfire. Tomorrow, we hike till we drop! Helen - Just like we used to. Jake - Remember? Helen - We were so relaxed in those days. (flashback begins) (hippy Jake and Helen in a forest; Jake is banging a shoe against the ground) Jake - You can't hike in these damn earth shoes! They make you tilt! Helen - Come on, Jake, just dig the scene! Jake - Oh, all right. It is a stone groove. We're lucky we got here before the o il companies pave it all over. Helen - And put up a parking lot. (both laugh)

Jake - Capitalist vultures! Off the fat cats! Helen - It's so out of sight that we're going to camp with nothing but our tent and sleeping bags. Jake - Sleeping bag. (Helen laughs, then closes her eyes as she hugs Jake) Jake - We don't need big business electricity! We don't need manufactured foods! We don't need chemically-softened toilet paper! Helen - (eyes fly open) We don't? (flashback ends) (Helen rummages around in her backpack, and with a smirk, takes out a role of to ilet paper) Jake - Girls, doesn't all this beauty take you right out of yourselves? (pause) Helen - Daria? Daria - I think I'm getting a chill. If you don't mind, I'm gonna crawl back int o myself for a while. Helen - What about you Quinn? Quinn - No phone??? (at the Sloatstown International Airport) (the airport is a rundown dump with a small building as a terminal; Jane and Tre nt stand outside next to a sign that reads "BUSES / TAXIS / MASS TRANSIT", none of which are anywhere in sight) Trent - Do you see any buses or taxis? Jane - I see no mass transit of any kind. Trent - Well, we got no way to get to the party. Might as well catch a flight ho me. Jane - We gave it our best shot. (they turn to go back into the terminal, just in time to see a man flip a sign i n the door window to "CLOSED") Jane - Damn! (turns) Hey, it's Aunt Bernice! She rented a car! Trent - Hey, Aunt Bernice! (a smirking Aunt Bernice drives by, honks, and drives off, leaving Jane and Tren t in the dust) (in the forest)

(Jake is attempting to put up a tent; Helen is digging a campfire pit nearby) Jake - Ngh... gn... gahhhh! (tent collapses) Helen - We should have started this earlier. Jake - (mutters) You sound like my father. Helen - What? (Jake gets tent back up during following rant) Jake - Oh, he knew everything about camping. Course, he had a different approach ! No tent for Mad Dog Morgendorffer! Oh, no! No sleeping bag, either! You lash s ome damn sticks together for a lean-to, slept on a bunch of pine needles, and if it rained, well, tough crap! No tent for Mad Dog Morgendorffer, and no tent for little Jakey, either! Helen - That's good, honey. You're letting out some of that tension. Jake - Why couldn't he just love me for who I was? (Daria and Quinn enter carrying firewood) Helen - All right, Jake... um, now you're letting out too much tension. Jake - Why did he think I was still wetting the bed at fifteen? (he looks up) Oh , hi, girls! (tent collapses behind Jake) (at the Lane reunion house) (Jane and Trent at front door) Trent - So let's just walk in and meet them straight on. They're not going to in timidate us. Jane - No way. (rings doorbell) Hey, I think I left my in-flight magazine back t here. Trent - We better go get it. (then turn around just as a woman answers the door) Woman - Jane. Trent. I might have known you'd come looking like this. (in the forest) (it's night; the Morgendorffers are gathered around a fire) Jake - Then, lying there in the darkness, the boy heard a tiny splashing sound. Psh! Psh! Like waves on a faraway shore. Except... the nearest ocean was a hundr ed miles away. The boy reached out for his sleeping father... but he was gone. S haking with fear, the boy stumbled out of the rickety lean-to, and that's when h e saw it: his father, sitting alone at the campfire. Alone... with a whole case of beer! Psh! Psh! (he pantomimes drinking) The selfish old bastard was wasted a gain. (Quinn and Daria stare at Jake, bored)

(at the Lane reunion house) (numerous unidentified Lanes are around Jane and an older woman seated on a sofa ) Woman - And how's your sister Penny? Jane - I think she's a little disappointed in the Mexican job market. She may tr y Nicaragua next. Woman - And how's your brother Wind? Jane - He's thinking about getting remarried if he can just figure out whether h is divorces were legal. Woman - (brief chuckle) How about your sister Summer? Jane - You know, the private detectives found three out of her four kids. Woman - Really! (in the forest) (the Morgendorffers are still gathered around a fire) Helen - "You're a vampire?" she whispered to the pale stranger with the brooding eyes. She felt her bosom blush and heave with excitement. "You've come to take my blood!" "Your blood?" he laughed. "Oh, there's time enough to take your blood . Tonight I'm going to take your..." (she then notices Jake waving his hands wildly, then looks at Daria and Quinn, a nd quickly changes course) Helen - "...take your pulse! To make sure that, you know, the blood will be ther e when I come back." (Quinn and Daria stare at Helen, bored) (at the Lane reunion house) (Trent and a middle-aged, balding man are talking at a table covered with a wide assortment of booze) Uncle Max - (slurred) I always liked you, Trent. You were my favorite. Trent - And why is that, Uncle Max? Uncle Max - Cuz you're a bum! You're a lousy bum! You're a rotten bum! You remin d me of myself! You know why? Trent - Cuz I'm a bum. Uncle Max - That's right, ya bum! (in the forest) (the Morgendorffers are still gathered around a fire) Quinn - So Cinderella said, "I can't go to the ball in these rags." And her fair

y godmother waved her wand and behold, she was wearing a gown of silver and gold . Big clunky silver and gold sequins, like you wouldn't wear to one of those sev enties nostalgia proms, much less a formal party at a palace. And when she went to check out herself in the mirror, the one that usually made her look thin, ins tead she looked bloated! Helen - Quinn, honey, is this really a scary story? Quinn - Wait! I haven't gotten to the shoes yet! (at the Lane reunion house) (Jane is talking to an elderly woman in a wheelchair) Grandma - Janey? Jane - Yes, Grandma? Grandma - Come closer. Jane - Yes, Grandma? Grandma - Closer. Jane - Yes, Grandma? Grandma - Closer. Jane - Yes, Grandma? Grandma - (shouts) What the hell is wrong with you! (in the forest) (the Morgendorffers are still gathered around a fire) Daria - So the witch tore Hansel's arm off, popped it in her mouth, said, "Hey, pretty good," and within minutes had devoured the rest of his body, leaving only the lower intestine for fear of bacteria. (view switches to a close-up of Daria 's face, the campfire illuminated in her glasses) Gretel she decided she wanted to hold onto for a while, so she crammed her into the freezer the best she could . (Jake, Helen, and Quinn look extremely sick) (later, Daria and Quinn are in their tent; only their eyes can be seen) Quinn - Daria? Daria - Yes, Quinn? Quinn - Do you feel weird sharing a tent? Daria - As long as it's with you and not a bear, I guess I'm okay with it. Quinn - Remember when we were little and we shared a room? Daria - Yes, Quinn. Quinn - I hated that.

Daria - So did I. (pause) Quinn - It's fun to reminisce, isn't it? Daria - You bet. (at the Lane reunion house) (Jane and Trent are in a darkened room; only their eyes can be seen) Trent - Janey? Jane - Yeah, Trent? Trent - Do you feel weird sharing a room? Jane - We've done it before. Trent - Yeah, but not really like this. (other pairs of eyes start to appear) Female Voice #1 - Hey, hold it down guys, okay? I'm trying to sleep! Female Voice #2 - Ow! Watch it! Female Voice #1 - Oops, sorry. Thought you were a pillow! Female Voice #2 - I wasn't talking to you! Male Voice #1 - Wait, were you talking to me? Female Voice #2 - Well, who else? Ow! Watch it! Male Voice #2 - Sorry. Thought you were a pillow. (in the forest) (Helen pokes her head into Daria and Quinn's tent at the crack of dawn) Helen - Daria, Quinn, get up. I need you. Your father's in a sickening mood. Jake (VO) - Are they decent, Helen? Helen - Yes, Jake. (Helen backs away and Jake's head pops into the tent; he's holding a branch full of berries) Jake - Up and at 'em, ladies! Time to join the forest morning, already in progre ss. Breakfast is on Mother Nature. Yum! Meet you around the fire in five minutes ! (Jake backs out and Helen sticks her head back in) Helen - Please, girls. I'm afraid I may hurt him.

(at the Lane reunion house) (a very sleepy Jane and Trent are seated at the kitchen table; they're both wear ing their sunglasses again) Trent - Janey... what time is it? Jane - How should I know? Even if I could manage get my watch on at this hour, m y eyes are too blurry to read it. Woman - (loudly, in Trent's ear) It's seven o'clock, dear! We're getting an earl y start because today's the family croquet tournament! Trent - Janey, it's seven o'clock on a Saturday, and we're awake. Jane - Soon the wooden balls will begin clacking. Clack... clack. Trent - We gotta get out of here. (in the forest) (Daria and Jake are walking along a trail) Jake - Was that breakfast great, kiddo? Daria - Actually, uh, I'm not a real berry person, Dad. I sort of didn't eat min e. I'm waiting for lunch. Jake - Oh, well, you're gonna love my roasted acorns a la Jake! (pause) Can you believe the whole continent used to look like this? Daria - It makes me yearn for the past. (they stop in front of a fork in the trail; one side is blocked with a sign read ing "DANGER! TRAIL WASHED OUT") Jake - Look at that, Daria: a fork in the trail. If you go one way, you can't go the other. Daria - This is going to depress me, isn't it? Jake - This way over here leads to an entry-level job. A little bit of money in your pocket. Soon, you're wearing a suit and tie every day like all the other fa celess saps, living in a boring little house in a bland little town, and doing s o well you're in debt up to your disappearing hair! That's where that trail lead s, Daria. Daria - I guess that other trail is the one that leads to personal and spiritual satisfaction. That's why they don't want you to take it. Jake - Dammit, Daria! You're brilliant! (Jake climbs over sign and walks down closed trail) Daria - Wait! It was a joke? (sighs) (in the forest) (Helen and Quinn are walking on the same trail, only they're a bit behind Jake a nd Daria)

Helen - I wish your father would stay where we can see him. Quinn - What's Dad so worked up about, anyway? Helen - Oh, Quinn. It's not easy being an adult. Quinn - He can drive, he never has to take a pop quiz, and he can order a mimosa anytime he wants. What's the problem? Helen - He's... it's hard for you to understand. You're like a fresh new bud, ju st on the threshold of opening. Quinn - Ewww! Mom! You're not going to talk about puberty, are you? Helen - Quinn, everywhere you look you see doors opening. Everywhere your father looks, he sees doors closing. A long corridor of doors slamming shut, and at th e very end, there is one open door he must someday enter... and never may he ret urn. I can't go on. Leave me here. (Helen sits on tree stump next to another tree) Quinn - Muh-om? (Helen's pupils are now visibly dilated; there's definitely something wrong with her) Helen - Go on, Quinn. You're so young, so beautiful. You should lead the tribe i nto the new century. Quinn - What tribe? Mom, what's wrong with you? Helen - Now go tell Gray Fox I have given my blessing. (faints and falls back ag ainst tree) Quinn - (yells) Dariaaaaa! (up ahead, Daria and Jake are walking down the washed-out trail) Daria - Dad, I don't think this is a good idea. Jake - It's not cautious, is it, Daria? It's not the sort of thing a responsible family man would do. Daria - Are you feeling okay? You look kind of pale. Jake - Maybe you think we should go be to camp, huh? You go back to camp, Daria! I'm going to see what... who is down this trail. You hear that, old man? I don' t care what happens to me Daria! I'm past feeling pain. (walks into a tree) Ow! Dammit! Quinn (VO) - Dariaaaaa! Daria - Come on, Dad. Quinn needs us. Jake - I'm not done with you yet, old man! (Daria and Jake find Quinn, who's watching the unconscious Helen) Daria - Quinn? What's wrong with Mom?

Quinn - She was talking about buds and doors and stuff and then she told me to l ead the tribe and she fell asleep. Jake - Helen? (Helen wakes up) Helen - Wha...? Oh! Jake, honey, you had us a little worried. Quinn - You had us worried, Mom. Daria - That's funny, I don't remember being worried about anyone. Jake - Quinn said you were talking about some kind of tribe? Helen - No, honey, the tide! I was saying we ought to set sail while the tide's still high. Quinn - Dad? Jake - (laughs) Don't worry, sweetie. Your Mom sounds a little nutty but she's m aking perfect sense. Quinn - She is? (now Jake's pupils are dilated) Jake - Sure! If we try to sail at low tide and ran aground, we'd be sitting duck s for Captain Cutless' men. (laughs) I don't know about you, but I don't want to be skinned alive and thrown to the sharks, right girls? Come on, let's go gathe r some provisions! (Jake and Helen run off laughing) Quinn - This is really scary, Daria. Daria - All right, let's not get panicked. We're going to look at the situation calmly and objectively. Agreed? Quinn - Okay. Daria - We're out in the middle of nowhere, nobody knows we're here, we have no way to contact anyone, and our parents have gone insane. Quinn - Yes. Daria - This is really scary, Quinn. Quinn - But why did they go insane? Daria - Knowing Dad and his excellent woodland skills, I'd say it was the berrie s. Except... Quinn - It couldn't have been the berries. Daria - That's what I think, because you ate the berries, too, and you seem okay . Quinn - No, I meant because those weren't the glitter berries.

Daria - Glitter berries? (now Quinn's pupils are dilated; it seems to be conclusive proof that the berrie s are indeed to blame) Quinn - You know, the glitter berries! The ones that fill your mouth with beauti ful sparkling glitter when you bite into them. Those are the ones that make you act weird. I mean, until you spread your shimmering wings and fly away. Daria - Uh-oh. Quinn - Daria, you don't have a mirror, do you? I want to check my makeup. Daria - You're not wearing any makeup. Quinn - I'm not? Oh, no! (Quinn kneels at a puddle and splashes mud on her face) Daria - Quinn, maybe you better take it easy for awhile. (Jake runs by wearing only his boxers and his boots) Jake - Spirit animal! Come back, spirit animal! (Helen runs up and stops) Helen - Girls, have you seen your father's spirit animal? He was just telling it about his childhood when it jumped up and scampered off. Daria - Scampered? Quinn - What did it look like, Mom? Helen - Oh, you know, yellow, stripes on the back, powerful hind legs, three hor ns, a beard... Quinn - Come on, I saw where it went! (Quinn runs off with Helen) Daria - Okay. Remain calm. Family's gone mad. Must get them back to civilization , but no way to contact civilization because Mother made big deal about cutting off all communications. What to do? (cellphone in Helen's backpack rings) Daria - Rely on Mother's hypocrisy to see us through this crisis. (Daria answers phone) Eric (VO) - Helen, do you have a few minutes to go over these depositions? (Jake enters and points) Jake - There it is! Behind that pack of zebras! (Jake runs off, with Quinn and Helen in hot pursuit)

Daria - She'll have to call you back. (disconnects with Eric and dials) Hello, 9 11? (shortly thereafter, a helicopter airlifts the family out of the forest; Daria w atches them, the pilot tries to ignore them, and Jake is still in his boxers, la ughing hysterically) Jake - I love camping! I love it! (pause) Has anyone seen my pants? (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria is reclining on her bed with the cordless phone) Jane (VO) - Yo! Daria - What are you doing home? (Jane sitting on floor next to her bed) Jane - What are you? Daria - My family went crazy from eating psychotropic berries, so we were evacua ted from the woods and they had their stomachs pumped. Jane - Wow, that's cool. My family was already crazy without any berries, so Tre nt and I evacuated ourselves to the airport in my aunt's rental car and flew the hell out of there. Daria - Oh. Well, anything else new? Jane - Nah. You? Daria - Nah. (a few days pass; Jake is seated on the living room sofa, watching TV, when Dari a enters with the mail) Daria - Mail's here. (hands mail to Jake) Jake - Thanks kiddo. SSW Announcer - Now, you claim that not only did you see a yeti, but he was wear ing a business suit and carrying an attach case? Man - A leather attach case. Jake - Fifteen thousand dollars for a helicopter ride! What the hell do think I. .. gah! (puts hands to face) Ow! Ahhhh! Oh, my God! (removes hands to show burst blood vessels in both eyes) Daria - Mom, get the painkillers. Quinn, get the camera! (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts The Misery Chick Episode #113

Written by Glenn Eichler (opening theme song) (at the Morgendorffer house) (the family is sitting around the kitchen table; Helen and Jake are admiring Qui nn's school pictures) Helen - Why, Quinn, you look darling! Jake - You look so happy, sweetie! Quinn - I felt happy. I always feel happy on picture day. Do you think that "Nat ure's Precious Wonders" was a good background? Because I almost went with "Starl ight over Yosemite." (screen shows Quinn's school picture: she's posing in front of a backdrop depict ing a forest waterfall) Helen - I think it was a fine choice. What did you pick, Daria? Daria - Black clouds swallowing Chernobyl? Helen - Come on, Daria, where's your school picture? (Daria hands over her picture; she's standing expressionless in front of a plain gray background) Jake - Wow! That's sharp focus... Helen - Daria, just once, why can't you smile when somebody takes your picture? Daria - I don't like to smile unless I have a reason. Helen - Daria, people judge you by your expressions. Daria - Yes, and I believe there is something intrinsically wrong with that syst em, and have dedicated myself to changing it. Quinn - Hey, did you guys see these? (holds up wallet size photos) (at Lawndale High) (Kevin and Mack are walking down the hallway) Kevin - This is it, Mack Daddy! The week of weeks! Mack - Too much hero worship isn't healthy, you know. And don't call me that. Kevin - But the man is coming! The man! Tommy Sherman brought it home, bro! The state championship. And now, he's coming back to Lawndale. Mack - I know all about it. Jodie's giving the speech about the new goal post, r emember? Kevin - Oh yeah! Does she need any help with ideas for that? Like, from a quarte rback's point of view. Mack - Gee. I'll ask her... when there aren't any sharp objects around.

Kevin - Cool! (outside, Daria and Jane are sitting on the lawn) Daria - What's the big deal about this football guy, anyway? Jane - He was quarterback three years ago when the school won the state champion ship. My brother knew him. Daria - Well, why name the goal posts after him? Why not the whole stadium? Jane - Goal post. (flashback begins) (a football game is being played; the stands are filled with people, and Tommy S herman is doing his thing on the field) Jane (VO) - See, his trademark was, he always wanted to run the touchdown in him self. Daria (VO) - A real team player. Jane (VO) - But he couldn't keep from waving to the crowd when he did it. They c heered, he waved, and wham! He ran right into the goal post. (screen shows Tommy waving to the crowd, slamming into a goalpost, and being car ried away on a stretcher) Daria (VO) - What an intelligent young man. Jane (VO) - He broke his own nose twice. (flashback ends) Jane - Then, in the winning touchdown, unconscious for six feeling great. The Daria - Stirring. Jane - Isn't it? So now the school's bought one of those new goal posts designed to break apart rather than split your skull. Daria - Why only one? Jane - Budget cuts. And they're naming it after good ol' Tommy Sherman. (sees Jo die approach) And here comes the lucky Student Council member who will do the ho nors. Jodie - Gimme a break. Hey, Daria, I can't get past the introduction to this spe ech. Can I read it to you? Daria - Does that mean I don't have to listen to it later? (Jodie sits on the grass next to them) Jodie - "Good afternoon, students, faculty, and distinguished alumni of Lawndale playoffs a week before the state championship, he scored the and hit the goal post so hard he cracked his helmet. He was days. Miraculously, he woke up the night before the big game next day, he led the team to victory.

High. As a representative of your Student Council..." Any ideas? Daria - "It is my privilege today to once again send the message that learning i s no substitute for winning." Jane - "And that it's not how hard you study, it's how hard you play football." (the last word is uttered with mock intensity) Jodie - Gosh, thanks so much. You think I like this? Daria - If you don't believe any of it, why give the speech? Jodie - Because I'm on the Student Council. It's a job with many responsibilitie s, and today it's my responsibility to kiss the butt of some jerk getting a goal post named after him, but at least now I feel really good about it. (Mack walks up to the group) Mack - Hey. Jodie - (stands) Leave me alone! (leaves) Daria - Chicks. Jane - Yeah, chicks. (in the hallway) (Brittany is down on one knee, tying her shoe, when someone walks up to her; she slowly looks up to see a muscular guy in jeans and a tight T-shirt, with a nose that looks like it's been broken one too many times; it's none other than Tommy Sherman) Tommy - Keep going. It gets better. (helps Brittany to her feet) Hello, beautifu l. I see one thing about Lawndale football has improved a lot since I was unanim ously voted most valuable player: the cheerleaders. Brittany - You're Tommy Sherman! Tommy - You know your sports. Brittany - My boyfriend's Kevin Thompson. He's quarterback of the team. He worsh ips you! Tommy - That's great. Listen, they're putting me up at the Lawndale Manor. Why d on't we head back there, order you some champagne, get horizontal, and you can f ind out just how big a hero I am. Brittany - Didn't you hear what I said? My boyfriend is your biggest fan? Tommy - What are you telling me? He wants to watch? I don't know... (Brittany slaps him and walks off) Tommy - All right, all right, he can watch. Hey, where are you going? Did someon e flash the bimbo signal? (down the hall, Daria watches the whole proceeding with barely disguised contemp t; she may not like the blonde cheerleader, but even Brittany didn't deserve to be treated like that)

(a short time later, Tommy is strutting arrogantly down the hallway) Kevin (VO) - Tommy Sherman! (Kevin and Mack approach) Tommy - That's my name. Don't wear it out. Kevin - I'm your biggest fan! Tommy - I doubt that, unless the rest of them are pygmies! Kevin - I'm Kevin Thompson. This is Michael Jordan Mackenzie. Tommy - Michael Jordan Mackenzie? You're kidding, right? Mack - It was Michael James Mackenzie, but Dad went to a Bulls playoff game when I was 12 and then he changed it. Tommy - That's sick, man. So, what, are you guys on the intramural squad or some thing? Kevin - Varsity, dude! I'm the QB! (Tommy starts to laugh; after a moment, Kevin joins in, while Mack grows increas ingly disgusted with Tommy) Tommy - Why are you laughing? Kevin - Um, why are you? Tommy - I'm just picturing a scrawny little guy like you trying to play for some third-rate junior college somewhere and getting your butt kicked every week. Kevin - Oh, yeah. That's funny. Mack - No, it isn't. Kevin - (see Brittany walking by) Hey, Britt! Did you meet Tommy Sherman? Brittany - (cries) Yes! (runs off) Kevin - Hey, babe! What's the matter? (runs after her) Mack - (dripping with contempt) Pleased to make your acquaintance. (leaves) Tommy - Yeah. Make sure your father doesn't go to any Whoopi Goldberg movies! (again, Daria has witnessed the whole incident, and is no more a fan of Tommy's than she was earlier) (a short time later, Tommy is leaning up against a bank of lockers and checking out the female students when Daria and Jane approach) Daria - Excuse me. Tommy - You're kidding, right? You think I'm going to talk to you? (looks at Jan e) You, maybe. Like, four hours into a kegger.

Jane - Perhaps after I vomit on your shoes... Daria - I don't want to talk to you. Tommy - Yeah, right. You said, "Excuse me." Daria - You're on my locker. Tommy - (stands up) Do you know who I am? Tommy Sherman? Daria - I know the whole istical football player, yone you come across, so tulations, you must have kly. (Jane snickers) Tommy - You know what Tommy Sherman's going to do now? He's going to go out onto the field and check out his new goal post. He's going to read the plaque and th ink of all the people who admire him. But you wouldn't know anything about that. You're one of those misery chicks, always moping about what a cruel world it is , making a big deal about it so people won't notice that you're a loser. (walks away) Jane - I don't think he likes you. Daria - That doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that jerk is going to be trea ted like a hero for the rest of this life. Jane - Well, maybe he won't live that long. Daria - Come on. You know wishes don't come true. (as if on cue, we hear the sound of a crash) Kevin (VO) - Oh, my God! The goal post fell! Tommy Sherman's dead! He's dead! (Daria and Jane look at each other in total shock) (at Lawndale High) (the students and faculty are gathered in the auditorium for a memorial service for Tommy Sherman; the stage is decorated with banners and flowers, all dominate d by a large photo of Tommy) Ms. Li - How does one make sense of a tragedy so... tragic. (sound of Kevin cryi ng) A young man, our hero, struck down in a freakish accident by the very goal p ost that was being put up in his honor. What lesson can we take from all of this ... other than not to leave heavy goal posts in sharp edged wooden crates leanin g precariously against the bleachers. (gives a look to the janitors) The lesson is to spread joy, spread light! Make it your goal to make others feel good. And when you reach that goal, you keep running until you reach the goal post. You hi t that goal post hard, and that's what this young man did, and that is the legac y he left to you, to me, to Lawndale High. (Kevin bawls even louder, to Brittany's embarrassment) Ms. Li - Can someone get him out of here so we can sing "One Sweet Day"? school's turning itself inside out because of some egot and I've seen you insult or proposition just about ever my guess is that you're the football player guy. Congra worked very hard to become such a colossal jerk so quic

(afterwards, Daria and Jane walk down the hallway) Daria - It's weird. One minute he's standing there calling me a loser, the next minute he's dead. Jane - Yeah. Daria - I mean, the guy Ms. Li was talking about didn't bear any resemblance to the guy we met. But still... Jane - Listen I'm going home to change and then I think I'm going to go for a ru n. Daria - I'll walk with you. Jane - Actually, I think I'm going to walk by myself for a little while. See you later. (leaves) (Daria stands for a moment, confused, until the living embodiment of confusion w alks up to her) Kevin - Hey, Daria? Can I talk to you? Daria - Why? Kevin - Well, you know, Tommy. I'm really bummed out. Daria - Yeah, I'm sorry about that, Kevin. But I don't know what to tell you. I only met him right before the accident. (they both walk outside) Kevin - Me, too! But I mean, it really makes you think. Got any, like, words of wisdom or whatever? Daria - Like what? Kevin - I don't know. I figure you think about depressing stuff a lot. You're th at type, you know? Daria - No, I don't know. Kevin - I mean, the guy was a hero. A really good quarterback, everybody liked h im, kinda hunky, you know. Not that I would notice something like that. And now he's just, like, the dead guy. Daria - Tell me, Kevin, did he remind you of anyone? Kevin - What do you mean? Daria - Maybe his death hit a little too close to home? Kevin - I get what you're saying. But I don't believe in ghosts, Daria. Daria - What? Kevin - You're saying he got hid on his head out there in the football field, th e team's home. And now it's going to be cursed or something, and we're going to lose all our games. I'm a little surprised, Daria.

Daria - That makes two of us. Kevin - I didn't think you believed in all that mumbo-gumbo. Daria - Gee, I hope this doesn't lower your opinion of me. Kevin - (laughs) Come on. How much lower can it get? (Kevin walks away, but there's no relief in sight, for here comes Brittany) Brittany - Daria? Daria - Brittany? Brittany - Daria, I've got to talk to you. Daria - About... Brittany- Tommy Sherman! Daria - Maybe you should talk to Kevin. Brittany - I can't talk to Kevin! (whispers) Tommy Sherman was a jerk! Daria - You know, no one else seems to realize... Brittany - Oh! I can't believe I said that! I called a dead guy a jerk! Daria - So, you are upset about what happened? Brittany - That's just it. I feel terrible. Why did that jerk make me hate him? Now he's dead and I feel bad but I don't feel that bad so I feel terrible! It re ally makes you think. I mean, you're used to being all gloomy and depressed and thinking about bad stuff... Daria - Why does everyone keep saying that? Brittany - So I thought that maybe you can give me some tips. Daria - Well, I guess what I'd say, Brittany, is that here's this guy who really wasn't very nice, and you didn't like him at all. You're sorry that he died... Brittany - I am! Daria - ...but you don't think you're sorry enough, and you're worried that you' re not as nice a person as you thought. Brittany - Yeah! It's like, I feel bad, but I think I should feel worse, and not feeling worse makes me feel bad all over again. Daria - The truth is, Brittany, is that you are nice, or you wouldn't be feeling bad at all right now. Brittany - So... you're saying that feeling bad about not feeling worse is good? (pause as Daria lets that one sink in) Daria - Yes. Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. Brittany - Thanks, Daria! (runs off)

Daria - (writing on notepad) "Feeling bad... not feeling worse... good." (and now, behind door #3, is Mr. O'Neill) Mr. O'Neill - Daria? Daria - Hi, Mr. O'Neill. (puts notepad away) Mr. O'Neill - May I ask what you're jotting down? A reflection about poor Tommy Sherman, no doubt. Daria - Not really. Mr. O'Neill - It must have been a terrible shock for someone as sensitive. It re ally makes you think. Daria - Um... yeah, but I'm dealing with it. Mr. O'Neill - (chuckles) I figured you're be dealing with it. You probably think about the dark side all the time. Daria - The dark side? Are we talking about "the Force"? Mr. O'Neill - The dark side of life. The thoughts other people try not to have. That's your thing, right? Facing the void? Yes, I'm sure you're dealing with it. (pause) I'm not dealing with it! (starts to cry) Daria - (awkwardly) There. There. (pause) You want to talk about it? (at the Morgendorffer house) (split-screen between Daria and Jane on the phone) Daria - So then, after I get Brittany squared away, Mr. O'Neill comes over wanti ng to talk. And they all say the same thing: "It really makes you think." I feel like getting a couch. Jane - You're the girl of the hour. Maybe I should talk to you. Daria - Yeah right. I can't believe the way people are reacting. I mean, yeah, i t's terrible what happened, but it's not as if he was nice to anyone. They're ac ting like they lost a friend. Jane - Boy, Daria, nothing gets through to you, does it. Daria - What's that supposed to mean? Jane - A guy died, and you're talking about what a jerk he was. Daria - I just said... look, you want to get some pizza? Jane - I'm going running. Daria - After? Jane - I don't know. It's going to be a long run. See you later. (Daria hangs up, confused, then turns on the TV)

SSW Announcer (VO) - Malibu's Mopious Millionaire, next on Sick, Sad World. (Quinn knocks on door) Daria - (turns off TV) Come in. Quinn - Daria? Wow, your room still looks like this? Daria - Need help filling out your picture order form? It's Q-U-I... Quinn - Daria, can I talk to you? About the dead guy? (Daria stares at her, expressionless; it's the perfect end to her day) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Quinn, Helen, and Daria are sitting at the kitchen table in their usual places) Quinn - So I called up Sandi, and Stacy, and Tiffany, and the Fashion Club is go ing to take up a collection to get safe new goal posts. Like, to honor the dead guy's memory. Helen - Quinn, what a wonderful impulse. To make something positive come out of this devastating event. Quinn - Daria gave me that idea. She's really good at this tragic stuff. Daria - Thanks, but it was one of the safe new goal posts that fell on him. Quinn - Oh! Well, it's the thought that counts. (gets up and leaves) Helen - And how do you feel, Daria? Daria - (scowls) I feel great. How else could I feel? I'm the misery chick. (get s up) I'm going to Jane's. (at the Lane house) (Daria knocks on the door; Trent answers) Trent - Hey, Daria. Janey went running. Daria - Oh. Well, I'll see her another time. (turns to leave) Trent - Scary about Tommy Sherman. Daria - (turns back) Yeah. You knew him, right? Trent - We had a couple classes together. I mean, we didn't see him much. You kn ow, he didn't show up too often. Daria - Not like you, huh? Trent - (laugh-coughs) I guess I might have missed a few classes, now that you m ention it. Weird thing. Freak accident. Daria - Would you say it really makes you think? Trent - No.

Daria - Thank you for that. Trent - Huh? Daria - See ya. (turns to leave) Trent - Hey, Daria? Daria - Yeah? (turns back) Trent - You know, it was a while ago that Janey went running. Maybe she came bac k and I didn't hear her or something. Anyway, why don't you check her room. She might be there. Daria - I'll yell up the stairs. (enters house and stands at foot of stairs) Trent - No, umm, sometimes she's got some music on and she can't hear really wel l. Why don't you just head on up? (Daria frows slightly; she smells something fishy) (in Jane's room; Jane is sitting on the bed, wearing headphones and making some sketches, when Daria knocks on the door) Jane - (takes off headphones) Yo! Come on in! (sees Daria walk in) Oh. Hi. Daria - Are you avoiding me? Jane - Um... not anymore? Daria - What's going on? Jane - Nothing. I just haven't felt like talking to anybody. Daria - I'm not anybody, and I'd like to talk to someone. Jane - But you've been talking to everyone. Daria - No, everyone's been talking to me. There's a difference. Jane - Well, what do you want to talk about, anyway? You don't care about what h appened. Daria - How can you say that? Jane - You've been treating it like, "Oh well, another stupid day." The guy died . Daria - I know he died! I'm sorry he died! But I'm not going to pretend that he was some great person when he wasn't. People aren't upset because Tommy Sherman died, they're upset because they're going to die. Jane - That's understandable. Daria - Okay, but you know what I've been hearing? "You know how I feel, Daria. You're gloomy. I knew I can talk to you, Daria. You're always miserable." Traged y hits the school and everyone thinks of me. A popular guy died, and now I'm pop ular because I'm the misery chick. But I'm not miserable. I'm just not like them .

Jane - It really makes you think. Daria - Funny. Thanks a lot. (starts to leave) Jane - No! That's why they want to talk to you. When they say, "You're always un happy, Daria," what they mean is, "You think Daria. I can tell because you don't smile. Now this guy died and it makes me think and that hurts my little head an d makes me stop smiling. So, tell me how you cope with thinking all the time, Da ria, until I can get back to my normal vegetable state." Daria - Okay. So why have you been avoiding me? Jane - Because I've been trying not to think. About the way we were making jokes about him dying and then, boom, it happened. Daria - We didn't have anything to do with the guy dying. It was a freak acciden t. Jane - Yeah, well, I don't like it when I say people should die and then they do . I don't want that kind of responsibility. At least not until I've got a job in middle management. (pause) Daria - You didn't make him die. Jane - You're not the misery chick. Daria - All right, then. Jane - All right, then. (pause) Daria - He shouldn't have died. Jane - No. Daria - But he wasn't a nice guy. Jane - (frowns) No. Daria - Did Trent know you were up here? Jane - Told him to tell anyone who dropped by that I was out running. What a sur prise... he forgot. Daria - No, he didn't. (at Lawndale High, in Mr. O'Neill's class) Mr. O'Neill - "It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all." Just what is Lord Tennyson talking about? Brittany? Brittany - Um, love? Mr. O'Neill - Anyone else? Daria? Daria - Well, he's acknowledging that if something makes you feel good, like bei ng in love, there must be a corresponding painful side, like losing a love, and

that it's just a fact of life. Mr. O'Neill - Sad, but true. Daria - And what's intriguing about it is that no one calls Tennyson a big unhap piness freak just because he understands that. Mr. O'Neill - Is he a big unhappiness freak? Daria - No, he's a realist. He says, "Emotional involvement brings pleasure and extraordinary pain." Then he declares that it's better than feeling nothing at a ll. Mr. O'Neill - That is excellent, Daria. Daria - Of course, this was before the advent of community property laws. (in the hallway) (Daria and Jane are walking when they are approached by Sandi) Sandi - Hello? Quinn's cousin or whatever? Daria - Yeah? Sandi - Quinn said you were really good with, like, bummed out stuff? Daria - Yeah? Sandi - My cat, he got into my makeup or something and, like, ODed on foundation , and he spent the whole day puking. Jane - And the experience left him questioning the meaning of life? Sandi - And I've been feeling really bad about it, and I was wondering if you ha d, like, some advice or something. Daria - I'm afraid that inflation has forced me to institute a small fee for my services. Sandi - Huh? Daria - Ten dollars. In advance. Sandi - Oh, uh, sure. (hands over a ten dollar bill) Daria - What is the animal's name? Sandi - Fluffy. Daria - I see. Fluffy. (long pause) Sandi - So, like, what's your advice? Daria - Find some other way to feel. Then you won't feel sad. Sandi - That's what I get for ten dollars? Are you kidding?

Daria - See? It's working already. (pause as Sandi thinks about that) Sandi - Thanks. (leaves) Jane - You just made ten bucks off of that poor girl's suffering. Daria - Yeah. That was wrong. Jane - Really. Next time... Daria - Twenty. (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Arts 'N Crass Episode #201 Written by Glenn Eichler (opening theme song) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria enters the kitchen to find Helen, Jake, and Quinn at the table; Jake is s obbing uncontrollably) Jake - What have I done? Oh, God, what have I done... Helen - It's all right, Jake. We'll get through this as a family. Quinn - Yeah, don't worry, Daddy. We're here for you no matter what. (looks at w atch and gasps) I'm going to miss Upcoming Attractions! (leaves) (Jake resumes sobbing) Daria - What's wrong? Helen - Your father had a little business setback, dear. He lost a client. Jake - "I got a great idea," he said. "A million dollar idea," he said. "Cigars for pets. What do you think?" he said. "I want you to be honest," he said. What the hell made me believe him? Helen - Jake, everyone slips up once in a while. Daria - He fired you for being honest? Jake - It was entrapment! Daria - So it's off to the sneaker sweatshop for me and Quinn? Helen - Don't be ridiculous, you two. You know I've got more work than I can han dle, and you'll get busy again, Jakey. Just be patient. Jake - But what'll I do in the meantime?

Helen - You always said you want to work on your cooking. Daria - If you're looking for a way to occupy yourself, there are plenty of chor es that need doing around here. (Helen and Jake glare at Daria) Daria - What? You get to say it. (at Lawndale High, in Ms. Defoe's class) (Ms. Defoe is wandering amongst the students, checking on their progress) Mrs. Defoe - (to Daria) Good. (walks up to Brittany, whose painting is a mess of dirty browns) Brittany, did you spill your paint? Brittany - Um, no? (Ms. Li and Mr. O'Neill walk in) Mr. O'Neill - Is this a good time, Ms. Defoe? Ms. Defoe - Yes, come on in. Class, Ms. Li and Mr. O'Neill have some intriguing news. Ms. Li - Lawndale High is participating in a state-wide art contest. Mr. O'Neill - That's why we chose an art class to be the place to announce it. Ms. Li - The theme of the contest is "Student Life at the Dawn of the Millennium ." Mr. O'Neill - What's it like to be a high school student in today's fast-changin g world. Ms. Li - Entry is strictly voluntary, of course, although frankly, I don't see h ow any of you could think of passing up the chance to bring honor unto yourself and Lawndale High. Jane - "Unto"? Daria - Buckle my shoe. Mr. O'Neill - Ms. Defoe will choose the entries from each art class, and I'm con test coordinator for the school. Good luck, kids! Ms. Li - Students, I urge you to take this opportunity. Curiosity... inquiry... expression... these are the building blocks of education. Brittany - Ma'am? Ms. Li - No questions! Good luck, all! (leaves with Mr. O'Neill) (bell rings) Brittany - I wanted to tell her I've got a great idea for a poster! Daria - Me, too. Mine's going to be about cheerleading.

Brittany - Oh, no! Now what'll I do? Kevin - How about something on quarterbacks, babe? (Brittany ignores him and walks out) Kevin - Hey! (follows Brittany) Ms. Defoe - Jane, can you stay a minute? (Jane, eyebrow raised, turns and walks back into the classroom; Daria continues on, but turns and waits just outside the door) Ms. Defoe - Jane, I'm eager to see what all the students come up with for this c ontest. Jane - All the students who choose to participate. Ms. Defoe - But I really can't wait to see your entry. Jane - Well, you know, I really don't think artists should compete with each oth er. See, I believe in a community of creativity. Ms. Defoe - You're such an accomplished artist, and such an original thinker. If there's anyone in this school who can capture student life today, it's you. I j ust want to say, good luck. Jane - ("ah, hell") Thanks. (Daria and Jane walking home from school) Jane - Dammit! Why did she have to be so nice? Now I have to come up with some s tupid poster about student life. Daria - Where to start? There's so much to hate about it. (Jane and Daria stop) Jane - You know, nobody said the message had to be positive. I'm going to do som ething that really represents student life. Daria - Yes. Jane - And tell the truth about how much it can suck. Daria - Yes. Jane - To blow away the story-book fantasy about how great it is to be young. Daria - Yes. Jane - And you're going to help. Daria - No. (at the Lane house) (television screen shows a baby dressed in a leather-and-chrome getup) SSW Announcer - Neo-natal skinheads, next on Sick, Sad World.

(Jane clicks off the TV; she and Daria are sitting on the edge of her bed) Jane - You gotta help me. You're the most negative person I know. Daria - Thanks. Jane - (pleading) Come on! Now's your chance to tell the world what you really t hink of life at Lawndale High. Daria - Tell the world that I, Daria Morgendorffer, have something to say. Jane - Yes! Daria - No. Jane - (pleading) Come on! Daria - (sighs) All right. I'll make my personal statement, and I'll stand behin d it. Jane - I knew you would. Daria - But only on condition of strict anonymity. Jane - You're a real Joan of Arc, you know that? Daria - Yeah, and I think I just ordered a stake. (at the pizza place) (Daria and Jane are sitting in their usual booth, a pizza on the table between t hem) Daria - How about we call it, "America's Future Leaders," and we just enlarge a picture of Kevin and Brittany? Jane - Come on, that's too depressing. How about we call it, "Beauty is only Ski n Deep," and we attach the actual skin of a student? Daria - Oh, I like that. I wonder if we can talk Quinn into donating hers? Jane - I'm starting to think this is going to require more pizza. Daria - I'm starting to agree with you. (time passes; the table is now littered with the remnants of several more pizzas , sodas, plates, and so on; both girls look like they could hurl at any moment) Jane - (moans) Where were we? Daria - We were talking about hanging a roll of fly paper and calling it, "It's Important to Be Attractive." Jane - Oh, yeah. With or without flies? Daria - (suppresses a gag) Did they add another quart of grease to the pizza rec ipe? Jane - One more slice? (holds up a slice)

Daria - No, I already feel like I might throw up. (pause) Hey! (at Lawndale High, in Ms. Defoe's class) Ms. Defoe - Well, it's very gratifying to see so much participation in the art c ontest. (walks up to Upchuck) Charles, what's the name of your poster? (Upchuck's poster is of a guy in a leather jacket, sitting on the hood of a musc le car, with a gorgeous woman on each arm; the guy looks remarkably like Upchuck ) Upchuck - I call it, "Ride, Chucky, Ride." Ms. Defoe - And what exactly does it say about student life at the century's edg e? Upchuck - It's more of a personal mission statement. Daria - Mission impossible, he means. (Ms. Defoe walks up to Brittany; her poster is a crude depiction of several bott les of alcohol and pills) Ms. Defoe - Tell us about your poster, Brittany. Brittany - I call it, "Don't Drink or Take Drugs." And the message is, don't dri nk or take drugs! Ms. Defoe - But how do we get that message? All I see is the alcohol and the dru gs, with no negative imagery to symbolize their dangers. (Brittany reaches into her bag, takes out a tube of lipstick, and proceeds to dr aw a large circle with a slash -- the international "NO" symbol -- over the post er) Brittany - There! Ms. Defoe - Well, Brittany, that's... um... let's talk after class. (Ms. Defoe walks up to Jane) Ms. Defoe - And Jane, what did you decide? (Jane's poster depicts a beautiful young girl gazing happily into a mirror) Ms. Defoe - Oh, she's beautiful! (reads the card attached to the bottom) "She kn ows she's a winner, she couldn't be thinner, now she goes in the bathroom and vo mits up dinner?" Oh, Jane, I don't think that's funny. Jane - Um, you don't? Ms. Defoe - Do you think it's funny to make fun of someone with an eating disord er? Jane - No! But... Daria - (whispers) It's not meant to be funny. Jane - It's not meant to be funny.

Ms. Defoe - Well, then, do you think it's your place to pass judgement on someon e with a low self-image just because you don't have that problem yourself? Jane - But that's not what I'm saying at all. Ms. Defoe - Then what are you saying? Jane - I'm saying that people shouldn't... uh... Daria - (rolls eyes) She's saying that all the emphasis on appearance today can be dangerous. The girl is very pretty, and your first reaction is, "Oh, what a h appy teenager!" But maybe that's not the whole story. Maybe that prettiness come s at a price. Ms. Defoe - Oh, is that what you're saying, Jane? Jane - Pretty much. Ms. Defoe - And you felt you had to say it in such graphic, unappealing language . (Ms. Defoe and Jane both look at Daria) Daria - The choice of words was deliberate, to contrast with the beauty of the i mage and shock the viewer into paying attention. Ms. Defoe - You know what, Jane? This really is a work of art, and it really doe s make a statement, in an original way. I'd like you to let me enter it in the s tate-wide competition. Jane - Sounds okay. Ms. Defoe - And how does it sound to your collaborator? Daria - (to Jane) Next time, I give you a prepared statement. (in Ms. Li's office) (Ms. Li is sitting at her desk, Jane and Daria are in chairs facing her, and Mr. O'Neill is standing off to the side, with Jane's poster on an easel next to him ) Mr. O'Neill - Daria, Jane, this poster is beautiful! Ms. Li - Truly accomplished. A real credit to yourselves and Lawndale High. Mr. O'Neill - And the poem... a very interesting perspective. Except... Daria - Yes? Mr. O'Neill - There's this one line. Ewww. Daria - Yes? Mr. O'Neill - I'm just wondering if you would consider changing the part about v omiting up dinner. It's kind of yucky. Ms. Li - It presents a distasteful picture to the student body. You know we woul dn't want people doing that.

Daria - That's the point. Mr. O'Neill - So we're all on the same page! Jane - The girl is so obsessed with being beautiful that it turns her into somet hing really ugly. That's the message of the poster. (looks at Daria and shrugs) So it takes me a while. Mr. O'Neill - But she looks so pretty and happy. Why not make the theme positive ? Instead of "she vomits up dinner," how about "she barely touches dinner?" Daria - You mean, being that gorgeous is so tiring that she's too exhausted to e at? Mr. O'Neill - Exactly! See, even beautiful people have problems. So, hang in the re, kids! Jane - (frowns) Boy, you really don't get it at all, do you? Daria - Look, I didn't even want to write this stupid poem. I don't care about w hat other people do to themselves. But if you change that line, the poem becomes just another phony dishonest message. It'll applaud the same thing it criticize d before. Don't you see that? Ms. Li - Ms. Morgendorffer, is it so wrong for young people to take pride in the way they look? Daria - (stands) Do whatever you want to the poster. Just take my name off it. Jane - (stands) And mine. Ms. Li - Now, now, ladies. Emotions are running high. Let's all take 24 hours to think about it, hmmm? Daria - Fine. Ms. Li - It's your decision to make! (Daria and Jane leave) Ms. Li - Call their parents. (in the faculty lounge) Mr. O'Neill - (consults address book) Jane Lane. Mrs. Amanda Lane. "Hello, Mrs. Lane!" (picks up phone and dials) (at the Lane house, Amanda is working on pottery while Trent is asleep in his ro om; both have loud music playing, so neither one hears the phone) Mr. O'Neill - (hangs up) Um, okay. (consults address book) Helen Morgendorffer. "Hello, Mrs. Morgendorffer!" (picks up phone and dials) (at Helen's office) (Helen is pacing and ranting, Marianne is working on her computer) Helen - I've got absolutely no paperwork for my three o'clock, I can't find the brief I was supposed to get this morning, and my stationary still has the wrong

e-mail address! Marianne - (picks up phone) Hello? Helen - Why the hell can't anything ever go right around here? Marianne - Helen? It's your daughter's teacher. Helen - Tell them I'll make sure Quinn turns in the assignment on Monday. Oh, an d try to find out what the assignment is, and if you could get started making no tes on it. Marianne - It's your other daughter, I think. Helen - Daria? Well, then, tell them I'll talk to her about her attitude, and tr y to find out who she insulted and what she said. Marianne - He says that she has a rare opportunity that he'd hate to see her squ ander... Helen - Oh, just give it to me. (takes phone) Helen Morgendorffer. Mr. O'Neill - Hello, Mrs. Morgenfoffer... uh, Morgendorffer. This is Timothy O'N eill at Lawndale High. I'm your daughter Daria's English teacher. Helen - Yes, is this about her essay on banning capital punishment and bringing back torture instead? Because that was obviously a joke. (split-screen between Helen and Mr. O'Neill) Mr. O'Neill - No, Mrs. Morgendorffer, it's about a poster she helped create. See , we're having a contest concerning student life at the dawn of the millennium.. . Helen - Could you possibly speed this up a little? I'm late for two conference c alls. Mr. O'Neill - (rushed) Um, she wrote a very unpleasant poem to go with a very ni ce picture and I was hoping you would talk to her about maybe reconsidering and rewriting it. Helen - Fine, I'll be happy to. If this requires further discussion, please feel free to call my husband. (hangs up) Mr. O'Neill - Eep! (hangs up phone and consults address book again) Jake Morgend orffer. "Hello, Mr. Morgendorffer." (picks up phone and dials) (Jake is laying on the couch in his office; when the phone rings, he runs and pi cks it up like a drowning man clinging to a piece of driftwood) Jake - (rushed) Hello Jake Morgendorffer, Jake Morgendorffer here, what can I do for you, anybody there? Mr. O'Neill - Ah! (drops phone and runs out) Jake (VO) - Hello? You've reached the office of Jake Morgendorffer Consulting. F or the love of God, do you need to be consulted? (at the Morgendorffer house)

(the family is sitting at the kitchen table, preparing to eat dinner) Jake - More penne a la pesto, anyone? Helen - All right. You friend Jane asked you to help her make a poster. Jake - If I ever find out who the sadist was who called today... Helen - You can up with the idea of a pretty girl with an eating disorder. Daria - Yup. Helen - Daria, that is so... you. Daria - Is that a compliment or an insult? Jake - You know, if you refrigerate this stuff, the pesto kinda gets a little fu nky. It oxidizes or something. It's best eaten the day it's made. Now, who would like some more? Helen - Jake, would you put down the damn macaroni and ask your daughter why she has to be so cynical all the time! Jake - It's not macaroni, Helen! Helen - She's supposed to be making a poster about student life, and she comes u p with the most negative message she could think of. Daria - It's not negative. It's supportive of students who don't want to be judg ed by their looks. Quinn - Oh, come on Daria. People like that don't exist. Helen - Jake, ask her why she can't be upbeat once in a while. Jake - You see, Helen, if this was supposed to be macaroni and cheese, it would be very bad. But it's penne a la pesto, and judged by the standards of penne a l a pesto, it's very good. Helen - Jake, what the hell are you talking about? Are you listening? Jake - Of course, sure. What I mean is, if this poster is supposed to be propaga nda promoting student life, it would be very bad. But if it's supposed to be art expressing Daria's personal vision of student life, it's very good. See? Daria - (surprised) Thanks, Dad! Helen - Ugh! (dumps bowl of pasta on Jake's head and storms out) Jake - (slurps up a few noodles) It's oxidizing. (walking to school) Daria - So then, splat! Dinner ends up on top of my dad's head. Jane - Wow, excellent. Your youthful integrity is tearing your family apart. Daria - Well, not exactly. My mother came back and mumbled something about PMS a nd apologized, but at least we don't have to eat leftover macaroni tonight.

Jane - We're still resigning from the poster contest, right? (no answer) Daria? Daria - I told them I'd at least listen to Mr. O'Neill's point of view, but I di dn't make any promises. (pause) I mean, other than that one. (in Mr. O'Neill's classroom) Mr. O'Neill - So you see, girls, I don't want to change the intent of the poster . I just want to make it more palatable. You know what they say, a spoonful of s ugar helps the medicine go down. Jane - Not if you're diabetic. (Brittany walks in) Brittany - Excuse me, Mr. O'Neill? Mr. O'Neill - Uh, yes? Brittany - I want to enter my new poster in the contest. (she holds up a new poster, depicting a group of kids standing together) Mr. O'Neill - Oh, that's really nice. What an affirmative message. Togetherness? Brittany - Um, the message is, "don't join a gang." Mr. O'Neill - Oh. Brittany - That's also the title. Mr. O'Neill - Um, Brittany, I see the gang, but I don't see anything representin g "don't." Brittany - Oh, yeah. (rummages through her pack) Where's my lipstick? (leaves) Jane - And that's how good art becomes great art. Mr. O'Neill - Anyway, I have an idea. How about you let me work on the poem for a bit? Maybe I can come up with something that's less abrasive, that gets your p oint across. Daria - And if we don't like it? Mr. O'Neill - Then we'll forget about it and we'll leave the poster the way you made it. You can't lose. What do you say? Daria - Okay, but quote Mary Poppins again and the deal's off. (later, in Ms. Li's office) Ms. Li - Ms. Lane and Ms. Morgendorffer, I believe you're going to be pleased wi th what Mr. O'Neill has to show you. Mr. O'Neill - Daria, Jane, I really think I've done it! I've captured the essenc e of the message while softening the rough edges. Daria - You stone-washed it? (reads poster) "She knows she's a winner, she could n't be thinner, because she's careful about what she eats for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Good nutrition rules." Is this a joke?

Mr. O'Neill - Smart eating habits are no joke, Daria. Jane - What does this have to do with out poster? Mr. O'Neill - It turns a negative message into a positive one. She's not pretty because she starves herself into it, she's pretty because she takes care of hers elf. It's even more powerful than before, because it's upbeat! Jane - I see. She's not going to throw up anymore. But I might. Daria - Don't do that. It's downbeat. Ms. Li - You young women should be thanking Mr. O'Neill for his hard work preser ving your message. Jane - He didn't preserve it. He perverted it. Daria - He removed all the substance and impact and turned it into meaningless d rivel. Jane - So we'd like our poster back now, please. Ms. Li - Meaning what? Daria - Meaning we're withdrawing it from the contest, according to our agreemen t. Ms. Li - Excuse me, girls, I didn't make any agreement. Jane - Mr. O'Neill did. Ms. Li - Mr. O'Neill is in no position to offer such a deal. The poster will be displayed during the school board meeting tomorrow night and then will be entere d into the contest, and it will bring honor and acclaim to you two and to our... Mr. O'Neill - But Ms. Li, I did promise... Ms. Li - I didn't. (walking home from school) Jane - Can she do that? Daria - No, this is all a horrible dream brought on by too much penne a la pesto . Jane - Don't we have a recourse or anything? Can we talk to Mr. O'Neill? Daria - We could appeal to him, and he might turn the full force of his overwhel ming personality to Ms. Li, and then she'd eat him. Jane - Well, how about your mother? Daria - How about yours? Jane - My mother's a little preoccupied right now. She's tracking down the sourc e of a disturbing heat variation in her kiln. But your mother is a lawyer. Daria - A lawyer who thinks it's a really good idea to get involved in the poste

r contest. (sigh) The system failed us. Jane - The system sucks. We're going to have to go outside the system. Daria - You don't mean... Jane - Yes. (the next evening, in Trent's car) Trent - You did the right thing coming to me. Daria - Sorry we woke you up. Trent - Don't worry about it. It was bound to happen sooner or later. (they arrive at the school) Trent - All right, here's the plan. I'll sit right here with my foot on the acce lerator, ready to burn rubber. Jane - Trent, pull over here and make sure you turn off the car in case you fall asleep, okay? Trent - Alternate plan. Cool. (in the hallway; several posters are on display along with Daria and Jane's, inc luding Brittany's and Upchuck's entries; Daria and Jane stand in front of their poster) Jane - All clear? Daria - Just about. Jane - (sees Jodie walking towards them) Wait. Jodie - What are you guys doing here? Daria - Observing. Jane - Innocently. Jodie - I can't believe what Ms. Li did to your poster. (pause) Wait a minute... what are you guys planning? Daria - Get lost, Landon. Jane - It's for your own good. Daria - You've got a bright future, kid. Jane - You don't want to be here when what's going to go down goes down. (Jodie glances from one to the other, then turns and quickly walks away) Daria - Let's do it. (moments later, Daria and Jane leave in Trent's car, the tires burning rubber) Ms. Li - What the hell?!

Mr. O'Neill - Oh, no! (cut to a view of the poster, which now has painted over it a large circle-and-s lash "NO" symbol) (the next day, in Ms. Li's office) (Daria and Jane are sitting in front of Ms. Li's desk; Ms. Li looks like she's a bout to blow a gasket) Ms. Li - Did you really think you were going to get away with it? Jane - Well, it would be stupid to say "yes" now. Ms. Li - This is no joke! Vandalizing school property is a punishable offense, a nd the first thing we're going to do is call your parents! (picks up phone and d ials) (at the Lane house, Amanda is once again working on pottery while Trent is fast asleep, as usual; as before, neither of them hears the phone over their loud mus ic) Ms. Li - Oh, bother! (picks up phone and dials another number) (at Helen's office, Helen is once again pacing and ranting while Marianne attemp ts to work) Helen - Whose butt do I have to kiss around here to get my interoffice mail befo re nightfall? Marianne - Helen? It's your daughter's school. The principal. Helen - The principal? (picks up phone) Hello? (split-screen between Helen and Ms. Li) Ms. Li - Hello, Mrs. Morgendorffer. This is Angela Li, principal of Lawndale Hig h. Helen - Yes, Ms. Li. How may I help you? Ms. Li - Mrs. Morgendorffer, I'm afraid I have some rather bad news. Your daught er, Daria, appears to have been involved in an act of vandalism. Helen - What?! Ms. Li - Mrs. Morgendorffer, your daughter collaborated with Jane Lane in the cr eation of a poster for our art contest. Helen - Yes, I'm aware of that. Ms. Li - We found part of the poster unacceptable, so it was altered prior to it s entry. Unfortunately, someone defaced the poster while it was on display, and since your daughter and Ms. Lane objected to changing it, I must assume that the y were the vandals. I'm afraid I'm going to have to take drastic action. (as Ms. Li talks, Helen slowly begins shifting from "concerned mom" to "pit-bull lawyer")

Helen - Wait a moment. You're saying the girls were against changing the poster, but entered it into the contest anyway? Ms. Li - It was entered for them. Helen - I was under the impression that participation in this contest was volunt ary. Ms. Li - It was, but your daughter refused to volunteer, so in her case, I made it mandatory. Helen - All right, Ms. Li, let me make sure I have this straight. You took my da ughter's poster from her, altered its content, exhibited it against her will, an d are now threatening discipline because you claim she defaced her own property, which you admit to stealing? Ms. Li - (flustered) That's not what I said at all! Helen - Ms. Li, are you familiar with the phrase "violation of civil liberties"? Ms. Li - I... Helen - And the phrase "big fat lawsuit"? (Daria smiles as she sees Ms. Li go down in flames) (at the pizza place) Jane - So, the only way for us to save our work was to destroy it. Daria - Catchy phrase. Jane - And we got away with it. You should turn this into a short story. Daria - That's not a bad idea. And I think I already have a title for it. Jane - Yeah? Daria - I'm going to call it, "Student Life at the Dawn of the New Millennium." (they start to toast each other with their soda cups, but are interrupted by Bri ttany, who just arrived) Brittany - I won! I won the art contest! (Daria and Jane glance at Brittany, then turn back and finish their toast) (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts The Daria Hunter Episode #202 Written by Peggy Nicoll (opening theme song) (at Lawndale High, in Mr. DeMartino's class)

Mr. DeMartino - And finally, we will be teaming up with the Science and Language Arts departments for an interdisciplinary field trip to Jim's Paintballing Jung le. (goes nose-to-nose with Kevin, who's fast asleep) An activity that some of y ou may find more taxing than sleeping through class! Kevin - (wakes up) Um... the League of Nations? Mr. DeMartino - And why are we going to engage in simulated combat? Daria? Daria - Because no high school education is complete until you've chased your fe llow students around the woods with toy guns? Mr. DeMartino - (chuckles) Your sarcasm amuses me, Daria. I hope it provides you comfort when you're cowering in a foxhole. No, we're going to study how warfare affects all aspects of culture. Now, we're going to need parent volunteers. Tha t is, if anyone can pull themselves away from their six figure jobs as sycophant s! (Kevin raises hand) Mr. DeMartino - Yes, Kevin? Kevin - My dad's not a sycophant, Mr. D. He's a contractor! Mr. DeMartino - Kevin, stay close to me when you get to the paintball range, oka y, son? Kevin - Sure! (Mr. DeMartino laughs evilly) (at the Morgendorffer house) (television close-up shows a scene at the beach; a kid is quickly exiting the wa ter, as if he'd encountered something gross) SSW Announcer - Are fish using our oceans as their own private toilet? A Sick, S ad World exclusive, right after this. (cut to Quinn walking into Daria's bedroom as Daria shuts off the TV) Daria - The bathroom's down the hall, or there's an ocean that way. (crooks thum b towards the side window) Quinn - Ugh. This room is even geekier then I remembered. Daria - I'm sorry, the maximum occupancy is one. Please exit through the front. Quinn - Look, I know how you like to embarrass me and say we're related and stuf f, but please don't tell Mom and Dad that they're looking for paintball voluntee rs, okay? Daria - But I already sent out their invitations. Quinn - Ha ha. (pause) You didn't, right? Daria - Relax. We work together for the sake of a common goal: no mention of pai ntballing or volunteering from either one of us.

Quinn - Agreed. Daria - Later, after we have achieved this goal, we'll resume the age-old hostil ities that have made peace in this region of the house a seeming impossibility. Quinn - Good plan. (later, Helen and Daria are sitting at the kitchen table when Quinn walks into t he room; her hair, which is normally straight, is now braided) Helen - Quinn? Quinn - Do you think this hair style means something? Because it doesn't. Helen - But you never... Quinn - Can't I experiment with a new look if I want to? Helen - Of course, but I... Quinn - All right, all right! The whole school's going on a paintballing field t rip. Daria - Put away the red-hot poker. Quinn - The Fashion Club put me in charge of figuring out a style to prevent hel met hair. I didn't know they were going to do it! I can't take all this pressure ... Daria - Don't beat yourself up. You held out a good ten seconds. Helen - Paintballing! That's exciting, isn't it, Daria? Daria - No. Helen - Daria, this trip would be very good for you. You'll get to know your sch oolmates and your teachers. I smell recommendations for college! Daria - That's funny. All I smell is fifteen pounds of Magic Braid hair gel. Helen - Those letters can make the difference in getting into your first choice school. Daria - Only if you have a first choice school. (Jake walks in) Helen - Jake, tell Daria... Jake - Oh, my God, I have to fix that loose floorboard all the way at the other end of the house. (turns right around and leaves without missing a beat) Helen - Actually, I should probably deal with these teachers directly. Daria - Hey, do you want to finish out the semester for me? Helen - It's what an involved parent would do. Daria - Mom, I think you've already demonstrated your involvement by pretending you're going out of town whenever Mr. O'Neill calls about school review meetings

. Helen - That man is just so... creepy. I don't suppose they need volunteers for this... Daria and Quinn - No! Helen - Oh, darn! (on the road, two Lawndale High school buses are traveling to the paintball rang e; on the first bus is Mr. O'Neill, Mr. DeMartino, Daria, Jane, Jodie, Mack, Kev in, and Brittany) Mr. O'Neill - All right! Now lets see which side of the bus can sing the loudest ! Left side! (sings while marching in place) "When Johnny comes marching home ag ain, hurrah, hurrah!" Come on, left side, don't be shy. (Mr. O'Neill yelps in surprise as Mr. DeMartino stands up and shoves him out of the way) Mr. DeMartino - Thank you, Mr. O'Neill, for your tireless dedication to remindin g the students how out of touch we are. Now, we're going to discuss the history of guerilla warfare. (bus passes a sign advertising "The Great White Shark") Jane - (reading sign) "Only 20 miles to the Great White Shark." You know, sharks don't really like to eat humans. They usually just tear out a bite and swim awa y. Daria - Very much like my sister's dates. Jane - I mean, sure, they often take a vital organ or two with them... Daria - I appreciate you trying to cheer me up, but it's not going to work. Brittany - Come on! Let's play a word game! Jodie - How about geography? Kevin - Nah, you have to, like, know stuff for that. What about Monopoly? Mack - Monopoly isn't a word game. Kevin - I know that. Can I be the racing car? (on the second bus, we have Ms. Li, Ms. Barch, the Fashion Club, Joey, Jeffy, an d Jamie) Sandi - So it's decided: no matter what happens, we won't shoot each other and m ess up our outfits. (holds hand over copy of Waif magazine) If I fire on a fello w Fashion Club member, may I wear brown pants with an elastic band for a whole w eek. Quinn - (does the same) If I fire, I'll wear taupe pantyhose. The shiny kind. Stacy - (does the same) Stonewashed jeans. Tiffany - (does the same) Glasses.

Joey - Quinn, don't worry about anyone hitting you. I'll protect you. Jeffy - Me, too! I'll be your bodyguard! They'll have to kill me first. Quinn - Well, okay! Jamie - I really want to take a bullet for you. Mrs. Barch - Oh, if only you could. (resumes reading magazine) (back on the first bus) Kevin - Okay, so let's say it's Mack's turn. He says, "I never went steady with two people at the same time." And then Jodie, if you never went steady with two people at the same time, then you don't take a drink. Jodie - A drink of what? We're on a bus. Kevin - But I, like, have gone steady with two people at the same time, so I do take a drink. Get it? (Brittany glares at him) Kevin - Um... uh... I mean... (winces, knows he's in deep trouble) Oh, no! (they pass another sign advertising the Great White Shark) Jane - Come on! Let's ditch paintballing and go visit the Great White Shark. It' ll be cool. Daria - No, it won't. It'll be stupid, and we're already doing something stupid. Jane - But this stupid thing will be our idea. Daria - Not interested. There are plenty of tiny-brained prehistoric creatures r ight here. (as if to prove her point, we hear the sounds of Brittany and Kevin fighting) (eventually, both buses arrive at Jim's Paintballing Jungle, and as the students begin to get off the buses, Daria and Quinn get an unpleasant surprise) Helen and Jake - Surprise! Quinn - Ah! (runs off) Jane - What are they doing here? Daria - I guess tormenting me in the privacy of my own home wasn't enough. Mr. O'Neill - Daria, isn't this great? I called your mother about the school rev iew board meeting, but she was going out of town that night and asked if we were looking for paintball volunteers! I only wish more parents cared enough to take such an active role in their child's education. Jake - Me, too! Helen - Yes... Daria - If we walk fast, we can see the Great White Shark by ten.

(at Jim's Paintballing Jungle) (Jim, dressed in fatigues, addresses the gathered students and adults on the spe cifics of the paintball course) Jim - We also have an exact replica of 'nam's infamous POW prison, the Hanoi Hil ton. Special rates for weddings. Sandi - (raises hand) Colonel, or whatever. Where's the ladies room? Jim - Oh, there are "comfort stations" scattered about, but they're really well camouflaged. (addresses Jake) Hey, you! Come here! Jake - Me? Jim - Watch this! (pushes Jake into hole in ground) Jake - Ahhhh! Helen - Jake! Jim - Isn't it great? A whole labyrinth of underground tunnels. You could get lo st down there for days. Jake - (inside tunnel) Yeah, great. Uck, worms! (the students separate into two teams, each wearing red or blue arm bands; Mr. O 'Neill addresses Team Red) Mr. O'Neill - So, seize this golden opportunity to say, "Private Young Person re porting, sir or madam, ready, willing, and able to learn the true meaning of tea mwork." Brittany - Let's go, team! Mr. O'Neill - That's it, Brittany! Who else on Team Red wants to say something b efore we begin? Jane...? (Jane remains silent) Mr. O'Neill - Now, Jane, there's no "I" in team. Ms. Barch - Oh, shut up! (elsewhere, Mr. DeMartino addresses Team Blue) Mr. DeMartino - To understand the disruptive nature of war on society, first we must understand its shattering impact on individuals. I realize it's foolish of me to assume that any member of Team Blue knows what physical pain feels like, o utside of a paper cut! Jake - Yeah, what a bunch of... ahh! (Jake drops to ground as Mr. DeMartino poin ts gun at him) Mr. DeMartino - Sorry. False alarm! Jake - That's okay. Stacy - (to Quinn) Eww, that's your uncle?

Mr. DeMartino - Now, the object of the game is to shoot to kill. Daria - Excuse me. Isn't the object of the game to capture the enemy's flag? Mr. DeMartino - Whatever. Move out! (back to Team Red) Mr. O'Neill - Now, before we go out on the battlefield, would anyone like to sha re their feelings... (Ms. Barch shoots into the air behind Mr. O'Neill, causing him to run off sobbin g) Ms. Barch - Now that Mr. O'Neill has predictably deserted us in our prime, I wil l take command. Now, if we spread out in a long line and sweep towards the flag. .. Brittany - Excuse me, Ms. Barch? Since they can't see us very well because of th e terrain, we can split up and they won't know where we are, then we can attack them from three sides, drive them out to the one side that they think is safe, a nd then set up an ambush so we can capture them all at once! Probably be a good idea to set up a secret observation post on the high ground so we can watch them without them seeing us. (everyone on the team stares at Brittany, shocked by her knowledge of combat tac tics) Brittany - What? Ms. Barch - That's very good, Brittany. Brittany - Okay, team, let's go! Come on Jane! Jane - I'm more of the mercenary type. You know, lone wolf working on their own type of thing. Brittany - Good idea, Jane. If Plan A fails, you can come in on a rescue mission ! (paintballs start flying in their direction) Ms. Barch - The men are shooting! (Jane gets hit in the shoulder) Jane - Ow! Those paintball thingies hurt. Brittany - Oh, no, you're hit. You're out of the game. Jane - Dammit! Oh, well. (tosses gun aside and walks away) Brittany - Poor kid. She never had a chance. (cut to Daria walking through through the woods) Daria - (thinking) Somebody in a movie once said, hell is the possibility of san ity. That's what this place feels like. Hell. I hate it already. Some damn tour, Grandma.

(Helen suddenly appears and points her gun at Daria, who surrenders immediately) Helen - Daria, you could at least try. Daria - I can't shoot my own mother. Not with paint, anyway. Helen - I'm out here giving my all. Why can't you for once... (phone rings) Morg endorffer! Oh, hi, Eric! Yes, I'm out here in the middle of the woods, can you b elieve it? (starts running as paintballs fly their way) Memo? Didn't Stephanie g ive it to you? (Daria gets hit and drops her gun) Daria - Ow! Jane - Sorry. Daria - What took you so long? Jane - I stopped to wipe out a village of farmers. (tosses gun aside as they bot h head off) (elsewhere, Jodie and the Fashion Club are in a foxhole) Quinn - I mean, just because you dump a guy for his older, cuter brother, does t hat give him the right to hold a grudge? Stacy - That's so immature. Tiffany - You know, if I knew we were going to be running around in the dirt, I wouldn't have worn my good sneakers. Jodie - Will you quiet down? I think I see something. (leaves) Stacy - Hey, Quinn, is that your cousin? (points to a helmeted figure approachin g from the distance) (Quinn immediately starts shooting, not knowing she's actually shooting at -- an d hitting -- Sandi) Tiffany - Way to go, Quinn. Stacy - Our leader! (Sandi starts shooting back, causing the other girls to return fire, resulting i n all of them getting covered in paint) Tiffany - Hey, I just bought this. (Sandi takes off helmet and goggles) Quinn - Sandi? What are you doing here? Sandi - I was looking for the bathroom, and all of a sudden you started shooting at me. I thought we promised not to do that. Quinn - I would never fire at you, Sandi. I didn't recognize you with your goggl es.

Tiffany - Yeah, why are you wearing them, anyway? They're so ugly. Sandi - Because those are the rules. Quinn - Well, some rules were meant to be broken, like wearing red lipstick with an orange top. Stacy - Or black mascara with blond hair. Quinn - Besides, you fired on us when you were already hit, and that's against t he rules, too. Tiffany - Yeah. Sandi - Gee, if everyone's on Quinn's side, maybe Quinn should be president of t he Fashion Club. Quinn - Don't be silly. I would never try to be president, as long as you were a round. Sandi - Really? Quinn - Sure. I mean, do you really think I could replace you? (Sandi and Quinn scowl at each other, each knowing that the other is being less than sincere) (elsewhere, Kevin and Mr. DeMartino are crouched behind a rock as they eye Team Red's flag) Mr. DeMartino - Okay, Kevin, do you think that atrophied, pea-sized cluster of c ells that you refer to as your brain can remember the complicated instructions I just gave you? Kevin - Um... "get the flag"? Mr. DeMartino - Very good, Kevin. (Kevin makes his way across the field, but Brittany appears just before he reach es the flag) Brittany - Freeze, babe. (she shoots him with a paintball) Kevin - Ow! Those paintball thingies hurt! I'm going to get a welt! Brittany - War's not pretty, Kevvy. (Mr. DeMartino emerges from behind the rock and starts shooting at Brittany) Brittany - Hi-ya! (she backflips across the field and kicks away Mr. DeMartino's gun, just as Ms. Barch approaches and starts shooting at him at point-blank range) Ms. Barch - Rotten, dirtbag liars! All of you! Brittany - Ms. Barch, stop shooting! Those paintball thingies hurt!

Ms. Barch - (ignores Brittany) I trusted you, dammit! Two decades of legal slave ry, and still you throw it all away for a halter top and a pair of pumps! Mr. DeMartino - Madam, I believe you've got me confused with someone else! I'm n ot your ex-husband! Ms. Barch - I know that, but he's not here! (Daria and Jane are walking along the road, on their way to see the Great White Shark, when it starts to rain) Daria - Good. I was feeling too dry. (Daria and Jane are still walking along the road; they're quite soaked by this p oint) Daria - Maybe we should turn back. Jane - Maybe your mother will lend you a raincoat. Daria - Shut up and keep walking. (they finally arrive and enter the store; Jordana, the lady who runs the store, is behind the counter) Jane - We're hear to see the Great White Shark. Jordana - Oh, it's a beauty, ain't it? (she points to a display case, wherein lies a large tooth) Daria - It's a tooth. Jordana - You wouldn't say, "it's a tooth," if you know the legend of Great Whit e. (back on the paintball range, Helen and Ms. Li have taken shelter from the rain inside a tent) Helen - Woman have been programmed to lie about their age for so long, no wonder people think forty looks like fifty. I'm glad that's over. Ms. Li - Amen! Thank God men no longer look at us like sex objects. Helen - You said it, sister. (pause) So do I look like forty tw... four? (Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Barch are huddled together inside another tent) Mr. O'Neill - Would you like my... Ms. Barch - Forget it, you man! Mr. O'Neill - But I was just offering my... Ms. Barch - Twenty two years of my life, gone! And all I have to show for tendin g to your every need are the corns on my feet and a big rash on my chest. Mr. O'Neill - Go ahead, it's all right. Let it out. Mrs. Barch - Oh, why don't you just go back outside with your war mongering sex

and destroy something weak. Mr. O'Neill - Venting feels good, doesn't it? You have every right to feel angry , and to express that anger. Ms. Barch - (surprised) Huh? (Jake walks into another tent and finds Mr. DeMartino) Jake - Hi! It's raining cats and dogs out there! Mr. DeMartino - What a unique perspective on the situation. Jake - (offers him a flask) Little nip to warm you up? Mr. DeMartino - Mr. Morgendorffer, I'm a teacher, responsible for dozens of stud ents on a fairly hazardous filed trip. Do you think I should take a little nip? Jake - I guess not. Mr. DeMartino - No, I guess not! Gimme that! (gulps down alcohol) Jake - Say, did you, by any chance, go to military school? Mr. DeMartino - How'd you know that?! (at the Great White Shark) Jordana - Until Great White was captured two months ago, he terrorized the easte rn seaboard, chomping on tourists and spitting them out like bad red wine. Jane - Excellent. Jordana - It was the peak of tourist season, when a mangled body washed up on th e shore, scaring the beachcombers... (at the Hanoi Hilton; a boombox is playing music and several students are dancin g; Kevin and Brittany are making out; Quinn, Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie are playing Spin the Bottle with one of the guns; Sandi and Tiffany are watching from the si delines) Jeffy - Which one of us do you like best? Quinn - Which one of you wants to take me to Chez Pierre? Joey - I'll take you! Jamie - No, no, me! I've got the money! Sandi - Quinn's so cute. Tiffany - Yeah. Sandi - Cuter than me? Tiffany - Oh, no. You're way cuter. Sandi - Not that looks are important. Tiffany - No way.

Sandi - I wish I could find that bathroom. Tiffany - I think it's over there somewhere. (Sandi goes outside; through the rain, she looks through a hole in the wall, see s Tiffany approaching Quinn, and aims her paintgun at Quinn; deciding against it , she tosses her gun aside and walks away to find the bathroom) Quinn - Where's Sandi? Tiffany - Oh, you know Sandi. Always looking for a bathroom. Quinn - She looks really cute today. Tiffany - Mmm-hmm. Quinn - Cuter than me? Tiffany - Oh, no. You're way cuter. (at the Great White Shark) Jordana - Of course, the mayor claimed that the chewed-up bodies were the victim s of a propeller, but the people knew better. Daria - Excuse me, but isn't this the plot of Jaws? Jordana - No, no! This is completely different. That's when they called in the g reat white shark hunter. That's when they called in... me. (in Helen and Ms. Li's tent) Ms. Li - I'm glad to see you take such an interest in your daughters, Mrs. Morge ndorffer. Helen - Well, it isn't easy raising two teenagers all by yourself... with Jake. Ms. Li - Of course, I like to think the school environment also plays a pivotal role. Helen - Absolutely. Although it would be nice if the students got a little more encouragement. Maybe a bright kid like Daria would have a better attitude. (Ms. Li laughs) Helen - Did I say something funny? Ms. Li - With all due respect, I can't think of a prison that could create an at titude like your daughter's, much less a school. No, I always assumed that came from interaction with her parents, or lack of it. Helen - (angry) Oh, so you draw a distinction between prison and school. Because from what I've heard, you run the one pretty much like the other. Ms. Li - I don't have to listen to this! Helen - No, you don't! Ms. Li - And by the way, you look fifty! (leaves tent)

(at the Great White Shark) (Daria and Jane have nearly nodded off with boredom while listening to Jordana p ut herself into the plot of Jaws) Jordana - I tried harpooning Great White, but the massive beast shook them off l ike so many toothpicks. I tried tying him down with floating barrels, but no. Gr eat White said, "I will have none of this!" So the captain decided... (Jane looks up and notices the rain letting up, and elbows Daria to wake her up) Jane - The rain's letting up. Let's get out of here. (both girls get up and leave; Jordana never notices) Jordana - Then that little snot Richard Dreyfuss decides that it was all his big game... (in Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Barch's tent) Mr. O'Neill - Just what good is signing a prenuptial agreement with another if w e don't first sign one with ourselves? Ms. Barch - (sniffs) I never thought it possible. You're sensitive, yet you're a male. Mr. O'Neill - Oh, well, I... (pounces on Mr. O'Neill and kisses him; Mr. O'Neill responds back) Ms. Barch - (softly) Watch the rash... (in Jake and Mr. DeMartino's tent) (both men are well-marinated by now, and are swapping stories of their difficult childhoods) Jake - I didn't mean to step on Dad's contact. The next day, he shipped me off t o military school! Mr. DeMartino - My mother didn't want her dates to know she had a son, so I spen t a lot of time at the neighbors. Strange, twisted people! Jake - I know! I had the same neighbors! (Helen bursts in) Helen - Jake! You're drunk! Jake - Drunk? Don't be silly! (he says this while his eyes are splitting Helen i nto several people) (the rain has finally stopped, allowing the students and adults to board the bus es for the trip home) (Quinn is kneeling on the ground and aiming her gun at Sandi, who has finally fo und one of the "comfort stations") Joey - Quinn, come on!

Jeffy - Quinn! We're leaving! Jamie - Quinn! Come back! (Quinn tosses her gun aside as Ms. Barch and a breathless Mr. O'Neill arrive at the buses, followed by a worn-out Mr. DeMartino) Mr. DeMartino - (muttering) "When Johnny comes marching home again, hurrah, hurr ah..." Mr. O'Neill - All right, is everyone accounted for? Quinn - Yes. Okay, time to go! (quickly climbs onto bus) Mr. O'Neill - Wait! I don't see the Morgendorffers. Daria - Oh, well, what can you do. (climbs onto bus) Ms. Li - Besides, they drove here. They can drive themselves home. (softly) That is, if someone hadn't taken their distributor cap. (climbs onto bus) (Sandi finally emerges from the "comfort station" just as the buses drive off, a nd she starts chasing after them) Sandi - Wait! (after a few steps, she stumbles and falls into a mud puddle; on her knees, she raises her fists to the sky and cries out in despair; Quinn, on the bus, watches out the back window, then turns around and faces forward) (back on the paintball range, Helen is crawling after Jake through the tunnels) Helen - Drinking on a school trip when you're supposed to be showing the girls t hat you're committed! Jake - Committed? Oh, I've been committed, all right, and I never even had a tri al! Helen - Just wait till I have enough room to reload! Jake - No! Helen! Those paintball thingies hurt! (fade to black) Jake - The horror... the horror... (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Quinn the Brain Episode #203 Written by Rachel Lipman (opening theme song) (at Lawndale High, in Mr. O'Neill's class)

(Mr. O'Neill is walking amongst the students) Mr. O'Neill - Now, as I'm handing back your essays, you may have strong feelings about the competitive and discouraging aspects of grading. (finishes and leans on his desk) I care about what you have to say. Who would like to start? Jamie - Is an F+ the same as a D-? Mr. O'Neill - I don't believe I've ever heard of an F+, Jordan, but we can talk about it. Quinn - So she said, "I got those eggshell leggings like you told me," and I sai d, "Eggshell? I told you eggplant!" Stacy - You're kidding! (Quinn and Stacy laugh) Mr. O'Neill - Quinn? Was there something you wanted to say? Quinn - Um, I didn't get my essay back. Mr. O'Neill - That's true, Quinn. I'm afraid I need to see you after class. (bell rings; students get up to leave) Stacy - I'll save you a place at the mirror. (leaves) Mr. O'Neill - Quinn, I'm so sorry, but we need to talk about your performance. Quinn - Okay, but I'm kinda in a rush today. Mr. O'Neill - Let's go over our last assignment, "How I feel about polyculturali sm." You wrote, "I definitely prefer all-cotton." Quinn - I didn't copy it, if that's what you mean. Mr. O'Neill - No, no, I believe you. The thing is... now I don't want to panic o r upset you -- please, take this in a constructive spirit -- but I'm afraid you' re not doing well in Language Arts. Quinn - Okay. See you tomorrow! (starts to leave) Mr. O'Neill - I don't think you understand! You're going to have to get an A on your next essay to maintain a passing grade! Quinn - (turns back, shocked) You mean, passing as in "passing or failing"? Mr. O'Neill - Yes! But don't worry. All it will take is some commitment, dedicat ion, and some hard work! Quinn - Oh, no! Mr. O'Neill - You can do it, Quinn! You know, when I was in high school, I wante d more than anything to be on the high school gymnastic team, but I just couldn' t master the high bar. So I practiced every day... Quinn - And the big tryout came and you made the team.

Mr. O'Neill - Well, no. But that winter, I learned how to write while holding a pencil in my teeth. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Helen walks into the kitchen, holding a piece of paper) Helen - Quinn? What is the meaning of this? I put in another twelve-hour day and the first thing I see when I get home... (sees Jake sleeping) Jake! Jake - Ah! I'm up! Helen - Where are the girls? Jake - They were here before... I think. Helen - I'm very upset about this. Jake - Oh, yeah, I know! See, I was trying to call the number for Movie Phone, a nd out of nowhere this woman comes on the line... Helen - Jake, what are you talking about? Jake - (realization dawns) That's not the phone bill. I... what is that? Helen - It's a letter from Quinn's English teacher. She's going to fail English because she's not putting in any effort. I'm going to go talk to her. Jake - Wait a minute. Why can't I ever be the one to talk to the girls? Helen - Honey, it's not that you can't. It's just... a strong parenting team is like a singing group. The lead singer carries the tune, and the backup singers s upport her. That's you! Jake - But what do the backup singers do? Helen - You chime in at just the right moment and then you fade into the backgro und. Doesn't that make sense? Jake - Do I get a tambourine or something? (Quinn walks into the kitchen) Quinn - Mom, can I borrow... (sees Helen with letter) Um, I'm just going to go r un down to the animal shelter and see about volunteering. I heard they got in a new bunch of sick birds. Helen - Quinn, this note came from school. Quinn - Don't worry. All I have to do is get, like, an A on my next essay and I' m fine. (Daria walks into the kitchen and overhears the last part) Daria - I'll take the Vegas odds on that one. Helen - Daria, we need to be encouraging. Sit down, Quinn. (everyone sits at the ir usual spots, Daria wearing a smirk) Honey, this isn't just about one essay. I t's about setting goals in life and going after them. You know, when I was in hi gh school, I wanted more than anything to join the swim...

Quinn - (holds ears) No! No! Please, not again. Helen - Huh? Daria - Mom, if you're going to reminisce, I'm afraid I'll be forced to call Soc ial Services. Helen - All right, Quinn. Let me try to put it another way. No matter what you d o in life, a solid education... Quinn - You gave this talk when I got caught cutting my... when I forgot where m y math class was. Jake - Helen, let me. Honey, did you ever here the tale of the ant and the grass hopper? Quinn - Ewwww! Bugs?!! Helen - Try imagining it this way, Quinn... Daria - You could be left back and be the oldest freshman at Lawndale High. Quinn - (eyes wide) You know what? I gotta get to work. Bye! (leaves) Jake - That's my girl! Helen - (motions to Daria) You see how it's done? (outside of Daria's room) Quinn - (knocks on door) Daria, are you in there? Daria - No, I'm taking it easy in Tahiti for a few days. (Quinn walks in) Daria - Hang on, I'm just ordering another tray of coconut daiquiris. Quinn - Um, I was wondering if... Daria - I don't think so. Quinn - I just need a little help with my essay. Like, could you write it for me ? Daria - And what's my motivation again? Quinn - Come on, Daria, we're sisters! We gotta stick together. Daria - Unless we're in public, you mean. Quinn - But you're so smart, and this essay's so important. Believe me, I would do it myself, but I have a date. Daria - Oh, that's different. When does the subject of compensation come up? Quinn - Ten? Daria - Twenty.

Quinn - Fifteen. Daria - Done. Quinn - Thanks, Daria. This is going to work out for both of us. I mean, I get m y essay written, and for once you'll have something to do on a Friday night inst ead of sitting around like a loser, you know? Daria - (frowns) That's it, Shakespeare. Do your own damn homework. (Quinn's mouth drops open as she realizes she's just blown it, big time) (later, the doorbell rings; Daria answers the door and finds Corey on the front step, holding a bouquet of flowers) Corey - Um, is this Quinn's house? Daria - Someone by that name does live here. Corey - Cool! Daria - She's upstairs doing schoolwork. Corey - I gotta pay more attention when I get these addresses! (Quinn comes down the stairs, dressed to kill) Quinn - Corey, I just came down to say I can't see you tonight. I have to write an essay. Corey - (laughs) Good one! Come on, I've got a special evening planned. Let's go before there's a line at the drive-in. Quinn - No, really, Corey, I have work to do and you have to leave. Sorry! Corey - Quinn, what have they done to you! (Quinn shuts door in Corey's face) Daria - Did you just spend two hours dressing up to go the door for one minute a nd dump your date? Quinn - Daria, if you look your best when you blow a guy off, it makes them feel like you care. Daria - Well, that advice should prove very helpful. Sometimes your shallowness is so thorough, it's almost like depth. Quinn - Thanks. All right, twenty. Daria - No. Quinn - Fine! I hope you realize you're making me do my own homework! (stomps up the stairs) Daria - That is a scary thought. (at Lawndale High, in Mr. O'Neill's class)

Mr. O'Neill - I have a special surprise everyone. One of our students has so imp roved since last week's essay, I'm going to share her work with the class. Quinn - I really like your leggings. Stacy - Yeah, but now I have a shoe thing. Strappies? Quinn - Platform jellies! Stacy - Quinn, you're so smart! Quinn - Only about important stuff. Mr. O'Neill - Quinn? Quinn - Um, I didn't get my paper back. Mr. O'Neill - That's right Quinn, because I'm going to read it aloud! Quinn - Oh, no. Mr. O'Neill - "Academic Imprisonment," by Quinn Morgendorffer. (class laughs as Quinn sits, horrified at being singled out) (at school, in Mr. O'Neill's class) (Mr. O'Neill is reading Quinn's essay out loud to the class, while Quinn is doin g her best to make herself invisible) Mr. O'Neill - "So go ahead! Lock me up with your homework and your tests! Rob my freedom with your reading and your thinking! As far as I'm concerned, the only difference between school and prison is the wardrobe. Or do you want to take awa y my outfits, too? The End." Wow. Would anyone like to share their reaction? Quinn - (raises hand) May I please change schools? (at the Morgendorffer house) (Helen attaches Quinn's essay to the refrigerator with a magnet; there are only a few other items on the door, including a crude drawing by one of the girls fro m their elementary school days) Helen - There. Now it's on full display. Daria - Quite the door of achievement. Jake - Come on, kiddo. You want to encourage your sister, don't you? Daria - To get her own place, yeah. (Quinn walks in) Jake - Hey! It's my daughter the genius. Helen - Our own academic achiever. Jake - We're all so proud of you. Aren't we, Daria? Daria - Sure, if you mean proud as in "stunned."

Quinn - Mom, Dad, making you happy is the greatest reward I can ask for. Of cour se, when other kids get a good grade, they sometimes get a little present. Helen - Now, Quinn, I really think... Jake - I'll handle this. You're absolutely right, sweetheart. You get an A, you should be rewarded. (hands her a twenty) Here ya go! Quinn - Thanks, Dad. Daria - Wait. Isn't that a double standard? Jake - Huh? Daria - You just gave her a twenty for getting one A. What about all the As I ge t for free? Jake - Yeah, but this is a special occasion, so Quinn gets a special reward! It' s a motivational thing. Daria - But won't that demotivate your other daughter, whose work is consistentl y good? Helen - (arches eyebrow) Yes, Jake, where are you going with this? Jake - I wasn't finished. Daria should have a consistent reward for her consiste ntly good work. (hands her a bill) Quinn - Hey! Jake - And Quinn should have a special one-time reward for her one-time effort! (hands her another bill) Daria - But what about a higher reward for maintaining a standard of excellence over time? Perhaps with compound interest? Jake - (looks from one girl to the other, then throws down wallet) Here, just ta ke it! Helen, I told you I was no good at this parenting crap! (at Lawndale High) (Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie approach Quinn, who's at her locker) Joey - Hey, Quinn, you're famous! Quinn - Oh, you guys. I'm just really popular. Jeffy - He's talking about your essay in the Lawndale Lowdown. Quinn - It's in the school paper?! Jamie - It's in the Smart Thoughts column. Quinn - (closes locker and puts arm to forehead) I'm ruined. (down the hall, Jane and Daria are reading the school paper) Jane - "Academic Imprisonment," by Quinn Morgendorffer.

Daria - It's great, isn't it? Jane - "No light shines through these four brick walls. For the school is my pri son, and its teachers my imprisoners." Daria - I'll bet you didn't even know that the word "imprisoners" existed. Jane - Yeah, but now I can't wait to use it. Why exactly is this great? Daria - Because now Quinn's going to see firsthand what is feels like to be a br ain. (in the cafeteria) Jane - Listen to this. "Like a hamster on one of those wheel things, school runs us around and around until we yearn for the food pellet. But only more homework awaits." You know, it's like she read my mind. Daria - Right after you suffered a severe blow to the head. (Quinn walks in wearing hat and sunglasses and sits down next to Daria) Quinn - Could you put that away? They're everywhere. Daria - What are you doing here? Bomb scare at your table? Quinn - Keep it down, okay? I'm trying to keep a low profile since the paper cam e out. Daria - Lucky for you, the Pulitzer committee has already finished eating. Jane - They had the meatloaf. Quinn - Ha. Daria - You must be very excited about what people are calling you. Quinn - What? Jane - "Brains" Morgendorffer. Quinn - Come on, because of one little essay? Daria - It's a slippery slope. Behold, the future. (gestures at table of nerds, who laugh as one of them squirts milk out of his nose) Quinn - Ewww! Jane - Last week, they were trying out for football, then they won one debate to urnament. Quinn - What am I gonna do? I can't be a brain! My friends will hate me! Daria - Yes, but just think of all the new friends you'll make in Chess Club. Quinn - Maybe I can steal all the newspapers before anyone else reads them. Daria - Hey, wait a minute, "Brains." You don't even have lunch this period, do you?

Quinn - Of course not! I cut Science so I can talk to you. You think I'd sit wit h you while my grade is at lunch? Daria - About that being mistaken for a brain thing? I wouldn't worry too much a bout it. (in the hallway) Brittany - Why do you have to study during study hall, anyway? Kevin - Quinn's tutoring me in English so I can stay on the football team. Mr. O 'Neill set it up. Brittany - Kevvy, I could tutor you! I speak English too, you know. Kevin - Babe, I've got a plan. Brittany - I'll bet you do, you, you high school Casablanca! Kevin - No, babe, I'm doing this for us. I'm going to, like, observe the way a b rain acts, and then we could act that way and be cool, too. Brittany - Oh, Kevvy. You're so smart. You're already a brain in my eyes. Kevin - Thanks, babe. (both leave) Daria - Only Quinn could turn being smart into a fad. Jane - Don't worry. Today it's brains, tomorrow pierced tongues, then the next d ay, pierced brains. Daria - Well, it's not like it's going to get her anywhere. Quinn - (walking by) So then Mr. O'Neill said I could skip the rest of his class and leave early because he said I was catching on so fast. Isn't that great? (Daria frowns) (in Mr. O'Neill's class) Daria - You asked to see me? Mr. O'Neill - Daria, you know I'm a big, big fan of your writing. But lately, it seems kinda, I don't know, flat. I was hoping for something a little more... ja zzy! Daria - You want me to put in a drum solo? Mr. O'Neill - I was wondering how you'd feel about some one-on-one tutoring. Sor t of a mini writing workshop. There's somebody I want you to meet. She should be here any minute... Quinn - (walks in) Hi, you wanted me to... (sees Daria) ...help somebody? (Quinn and Daria stare at each other, mouths agape) Mr. O'Neill - Do you two know each other? (later, Daria and Jane are sitting outside on the lawn; Quinn, Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie are sitting nearby)

Daria - I should have said, "I don't need tutoring to write like her. Just some big crayons." Jane - Tough day. Daria - I'm not letting it get to me. Jane - Yeah, I can see that. Quinn - Look everyone! I wrote another poem while I was eating my fries. (Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie all make to grab the poem, with Jeffy winning out) Jeffy - My turn to read! "The greasy fry, it cannot lie. Its truth is written on your thighs." Joey - Wow. That's amazing. Jamie - Beautiful. Jeffy - Genius. Quinn - I know! Daria - Hold it. I think I feel a poem coming on. (burps) Sorry, false alarm. (in the hallway) (Daria and Jane are at Daria's locker; Quinn and the Fashion Club walk past, hea ded for the drinking fountain down the hall) Quinn - Yeah, I might do writing for a career. It's not like real work or anythi ng. Sandi - Really. I mean, how hard it is to type stuff? Quinn - And there are lots of opportunities. Like, did you know they pay money f or those poems in greeting cards? Stacy - Oh no! I've been giving away my poems for free! (it's too much for Daria, who slams her head down on her books with a hollow thu d) Daria - Do me a favor, will you? Jane - Yeah? Daria - Close my locker. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria stands in Quinn's doorway, watching Quinn try on various articles of blac k clothing) Daria - Did a mime crawl in here and die? Quinn - I'm putting together an outfit. For your information, this is how deep p eople dress.

Daria - Yeah, deeply affected people. Quinn - Thank you. By the way, do you know what existential means? Because today someone told me my writing was existential, so I thought I should coordinate, y ou know, with wardrobe. Daria - Yeah, that's what Camus would have done. For your purposes, existential means "pseudo-intellectual poser with accessories from the street fair." Quinn - Listen, I'm still available if you want some help with your writing. Doe s this black match? Daria - Matches my mood. (leaves) (at the Morgendorffer house) (television close-up shows a doctor using a tongue depressor to examine a little girl's throat) SSW Announcer - Can renegade surgeons transplant your brain while you sleep? The frightening truth, next on Sick, Sad World. (pan out to show Daria sitting on the couch, a pillow over her face, as Jake wal ks in) Jake - Is something bothering you, Daria? Daria - (muffled) No. Jake - You know, it's all right to have a heart to heart with Dad. I've been kno wn to do a little parenting in my time. Daria - (muffled) It's okay. Jake - What's on your mind? I'm up on the issues. Drugs, peer pressure... or is it a problem with your gang? Daria - (muffled) It's more of a personal issue. Jake - It's not... hygiene or anything... Daria - (removes pillow) Dad, let's say you have an identity that you didn't eve n like... Jake - Oh, sure! Like, one day you wake up middle aged and resenting the hell ou t of it. Daria - Um, okay. But even though you don't like this identity, somebody comes a long and steals it from you. Jake - And you're upset. You earned that resentment, it's your right. Daria - Well, it's more like, you didn't want this identity, but if they take it away, you've got nothing. What do you do? Jake - They took your identity, Daria? Then you walk away. You change your name, move to another state, get some ID. It's not too late to start over, Daria, it' s not too late! You're still a young man! You don't have to live with your mista kes! Get out while you can! (grabs Daria's shoulders)

Daria - Um, you're not going to shake me, are you? Jake - What I meant was, you hang in there and everything's going to be all righ t. Daria - Dad, talking to you has made me feel better about myself. Jake - That's what I'm here for, kiddo. (Daria leaves) Backup singer. Ha! (at Lawndale High) (Quinn is sitting in the cafeteria with Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie) Quinn - Yeah, I just found out that poems don't even have to rhyme. How easy is that? (all three boys start praising Quinn just as the Fashion Club approaches; Sandi has a full head of steam) Sandi - There's a problem, Quinn. We need to talk. Quinn - What problem? Sandi - It seems that other girls are following your weirdo example and abandoni ng their fashion statements to wear all black. (points at other girls sitting in the cafeteria) Quinn - Dressing in all black is a fashion statement. It's deep, it's meaningful , and it's slenderizing. Sandi - Not according to this. (holds up Waif magazine) Everyone knows that eggp lant is the current neutral. Quinn - Well, I can't help it if I have influence around here. People admire me for my brains. Sandi - That's not how the Fashion Club works. You're officially ordered to take a fashion sabbatical until you get your priorities straight. (Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany leave; Quinn rests her chin on her hand, depressed) (in the hallway) Sandi - I'm concerned about Quinn. We need someone close to her to make her see the error of her ways. Tiffany - But who? Sandi - I have a plan. We'll talk to that girl she knows. Stacy - You're so smart, Sandi! Sandi - And you'll notice I don't make, like, a big thing about it. Tiffany - But that girl is so weird. She freaks me out. Sandi - That's why I'm president of the Fashion Club. I'll handle her. (the girls approach Daria and Jane; they then leave just as quickly, after Sandi

becomes tongue-tied and is unable to do anything other than utter a few unintel ligible noises) Daria - What do you think that was about? Jane - I supposed we'll never know. Daria - Jane, look closely. Have I grown another head? Jane - No, just the two. Daria - See ya. (leaves just as Quinn walks up to Jane) Quinn - What's wrong with her? Jane - Nothing. Quinn - Anything a little brain power can fix? Jane - I think she's had about her fill of that. Quinn - Can I ask you something? Jane - I guess. What? Quinn - You don't think I'm a brain, do you? Jane - The thought never crossed my mind. Quinn - Mine, either. I mean, I really like the way this getting to Daria, but I 'm starting to feel like a phoney. Jane - You're starting to feel like a phoney? Quinn - So I wrote a stupid essay! What's everyone making such a big deal about? Jane - Well, you know, condition people to expect nothing and the least little s omething gets them all excited. Ask Pavlov. Quinn - The custodian? Jane - (puts hand to head) Whoa. Never mind. Return to your world, and I'll retu rn to mine. (at the Lane house) (Jane is at her easel, while Daria is laying on Jane's bed, her head hanging ove r the edge) Jane - Hmm... by the way, anything eating away at your soul? Daria - Her writing's bad. Don't people know the difference between good and bad ? Jane - She's cute. There's different standards for cute people. Daria - You mean, no standards. Jane - Right.

Daria - Isn't there ever a time when how you look doesn't affect how you're judg ed? Jane - When you donate an organ, unless it's your eyes. Listen, it's no big deal . Daria - The thing is, if she's a brain, what do I get to be? Jane - You're still a brain. Daria - Yeah, but she's a brain with bouncy hair. I can't compete. Jane - Okay, then you get to be... a super-brain. An even bigger outcast than be fore. Daria - I don't think I can survive being a super-brain. Jane - Then she's got to be stopped. But how? Daria - (gets up on one elbow) Oh, I know how. I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it... until now. (at Lawndale High) (the scene plays out like a repeat of the day before, only with Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie taking the place of the Fashion Club) Daria - Yes? (as before, the boys get tongue-tied and start to leave) Daria - Wait. Jeffy - No, um, it's a mistake. We thought... Daria - If you squinted hard enough, maybe I'd look like a different Morgendorff er? Joey - Um... Daria - Look, do you really want Quinn back? Jeffy - Yes. Jamie - A thousand times yes. Joey - Bring her back! You gotta bring her back! Daria - Then do exactly what I say, and I'll deliver the goods. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria implements her plan to get her identity back: she dresses up as Quinn, ri ght down to the jeans, pink midriff T-shirt, and makeup; she also ditches her gl asses) Daria - (to reflection in mirror) Hi! Could you get me a soda? (puts hand to for ehead as she realizes what she's doing) (doorbell rings; Jake answers it)

Jake (VO) - (acting cool) Hey, dudes! Whazzup? Quinn! Your dates are here! Joey (VO) - Actually, we're here to ask Daria out. Jake (VO) - Huh? Jeffy (VO) - You know, your other daughter. Jamie (VO) - By the way, how's Quinn? Jeffy (VO) - Shut up, Jamie! (while this is going on, Daria walks past Quinn's door, kneels, and adjusts her bootlace, giving Quinn ample time to see how Daria is dressed) Daria - Hi, Quinn. Quinn - Hi, Daria. Daria - Well, I'm off for my dates. (leans against the wall) One... two... Quinn - Ugh! Wait! (runs up to Daria) You win, all right? (runs downstairs) (Daria's small smile says it all: "checkmate") (at Lawndale High) (the Fashion Club walks down the hallway, with Quinn spinning a story to explain her recent behavior) Quinn - Yeah, I didn't even write the essay. I found it in the garbage and hande d it in. The whole thing was, like, a runaway train. Sandi - Well, that still doesn't explain black clothes, but I guess I can let it slide. Quinn - Don't worry, I'm through being an intellectual. I'm too well-adjusted. Tiffany - Messing with the mind can be so dangerous. Quinn - Tell me about it. (Daria and Jane watch the Fashion Club walk past them and continue down the hall way) Jane - I guess things are back to normal. Daria - Fashion: good. Thinking: bad. Jane - Yeah. We win. Daria - I'm on top of the world. (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts

I Don't Episode #204 Written by Peter Gaffney (opening theme song) (outside the Morgendorffer house) (Daria and Jane are walking up to the front door) Daria - I don't think you've thought this through. What do you do with the hosta ges one you get to the airport? Jane - They're coming with me. We're talking party plane. All the way to Libya. (Daria opens the door and hears Helen on the phone) Helen (VO) - Rita, that's so wonderful. I'm so happy for you! You and Erin both. Daria - Ah, you'd better take a hike. Jane - Why? Daria - My mom's talking to my Aunt Rita. This isn't going to be pretty. Jane - Gotcha. Later, huh? (leaves) Daria - That remains to be seen. (enters the house) (Daria walks into the kitchen and sees Jake sitting at the table, newspaper in h and, and Helen talking to Rita on the phone; Helen is making nonsense scribbles on a notepad as she's talking) Helen - (on phone) I can't believe it. Little Erin getting married. She's not ru shing into this, I hope. Oh, no, no, of course not. Twenty-one is... I'm not imp lying anything, for goodness sake, Rita. I'm just... this is so exciting! Where? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. That sounds lovely. I presume Mom's footing the bill? No, no... Jake - (to Daria) Your cousin Erin is getting married. Daria - So I gathered. Jake - You know there'll be hell to pay. Helen - (hangs up and sits down) Well, I guess you all heard the wonderful news. Little Erin is getting married. (low voice) At the Windsor Hills Resort in Leev ille. Jake - Whoa-ho! That'll set Rita back a pretty penny. Helen - Not Rita. Mother. Nothing but the best for her favorite daughter's darli ng offspring. Jake - Windsor Hills. They've got that legendary thirteenth hole! Helen - Forget it, Jake. No golf. Wedding. (Quinn walks into the kitchen) Daria - I'm almost sorry I'm going to miss this.

Helen - On the contrary, sweetie: you and Quinn are going to be bridesmaids. (lo w voice) I made sure of that. Daria - (eyes wide with shock) Bridesmaids? Quinn - (eyes wide with excitement) Can I dye my hair if the dress doesn't match ? (in downtown Lawndale) (Daria and Jane are walking down the street, headed for the bridal shop) Daria - What a hideous twist of fate. Me, a bridesmaid. Jane - Aw, it won't be that bad, I mean, sure, you'll have to wear some frilly p each-color dress that makes you look like a circus freak, and you'll be pinched on the cheeks by old uncles who still think you're six years old, and... Daria - Here we are. (inside the bridal shop) (they approach an elderly saleslady) Saleslady - I'm sorry, we only do weddings, not funerals. Daria - Believe me, I'd prefer a funeral. Saleslady - You don't have to get married if you don't want to... or do you? Daria - I'm a bridesmaid in the Chambers-Danielson wedding. Saleslady - Umm-hmm. (looks up info on computer) Here it is. Pity. They're such lovely dresses. (in the fitting room) (saleslady is fitting Daria for the dress, but either she's not doing a very goo d job, or Daria doesn't quite have the build for the dress) Saleslady - Nature didn't see fit to give you much in the way of hips, did she, dearie? Daria - I think I'm going to be ill. Is that a problem for you? Saleslady - Turn around, please. Jane - (fake Southern accent) Oh, Scarlet, you grow lovelier by the day! (bats e yelashes) Daria - I will kill you, and bury your body in this dress. (Brittany and Jodie walk in) Brittany - Daria? Daria and Brittany - What are you doing here? Jane - Isn't is obvious? An Arab sheik's in town to buy a few more wives.

Brittany - They're putting on a bridal expo in the gym. We're modeling! Daria - A bridal expo? That's a good message to send to high school students. Jodie - It's a fundraiser for extracurricular activities. Jane - I wonder what kind of extracurricular activities would lead to a wedding. .. Brittany - What about you? Are you in a play or something? Daria - Yes. I'm playing Mrs. Lincoln, after she went crazy. Brittany - I didn't know she went crazy. Jane - Oh, yeah. That's why Lincoln shot himself. Brittany - Wow...! Jodie - Come on, Brittany. Let's finish out fitting, and I'll tell you all about how nice Mr. Lincoln really died. Brittany - You mean the bullet didn't kill him? (Jodie drags Brittany away) (saleslady accidentally sticks Daria with a pin) Daria - Ouch! Saleslady - Hold still. I'm having a hard enough time with your body as it is. Daria - Well, I think my humiliation is complete now. (Quinn walks in wearing a perfectly fitted dress) Quinn - It does match my hair! Daria - I spoke too soon. (on the road, in Jake's car; it's the day of the wedding) Jake - I don't know why you didn't let me bring my golf clubs. Helen - Jake, we're here to see my family, not to have fun. Jake - Who's escorting your sister to this, anyway? Helen - Well, she dumped the sculptor, the skydiving instructor had that horribl e accident, and I believe that Bruno is in some federal facility. So I don't kno w... Jake - That Rita sure knows how to pick 'em. (Jake turns into the driveway to Windsor Hills; the resort looks just as high-cl ass and expensive as Helen and Jake made it out to be) Quinn - Wow!

Daria - (crooks finger) Redrum! Redrum! Jake - This will cost your mother a fortune! Helen - Well, what else should she spend her money on? Something boring, like co llege funds for her other granddaughters? Jake - (chuckles, then sobers) Hey... Helen - I just keep telling myself that Erin hasn't had the advantages our girls have. Quinn (to Daria) - Advantages? Daria - You got me. (at the bridal expo) (Mack and Kevin walk among the vendor booths set up in the gymnasium) Mack - You know, if the girls see us, we're going to die. They said we'd make th em feel self-conscious. Kevin - Are you kidding? They want us to come, bro. That's why they told us not to. Mack - Huh? Kevin - They knew that if they invited us to a bridal expo, there's no way we'd go near the place. Mack - Then why are we here? Kevin - Forbidden fruit, man. Forbidden fruit. Mack - When you hear yourself talk, does it make sense to you? Kevin - Sometimes. (they pass in front of a jewelry stand) Man - Hey, fellas. Just want you to know, we welcome same-sex partners. What you do with the ring is your business. (Mack and Kevin look at each other, shocked) (at Windsor Hills) (Jake is handing his car over to the valet attendant) Jake - This is an expensive vehicle. Be careful with it. Attendant - Yeah, right. (drives off) (Rita walks outside with her current boyfriend) Rita - Helen! Helen - Rita! (hugs Rita)

Rita - How are you, Jake? Jake - Well, I'm not that... Rita - Oh, the girls look lovely. But Daria, why didn't you get the same dress a s the other bridesmaids? Daria - I did. Helen - I'm sorry about the rehearsal dinner, Rita. I had meetings all yesterday afternoon, and by the time we got on the road... Rita - Everyone, this is Paul, my beau. Paul - Hello. Jake - Paul Meyerson? Paul - Jake? Jake and I were in Boy Scouts together. You bring your clubs? (Jake grumbles) Daria - Dad, what was that you said about knowing how to pick 'em? Jake - Oh, Daria... (a sports car comes flying up the driveway) Quinn - Wow, who's that? Daria - Aunt Amy? (Amy gets out of car and hands keys to valet attendant) Amy - I don't mind a few dents, but change the radio station and you're a dead m an. Rita - Amy, how delightful. I thought you weren't coming. Amy - I wasn't, but I thought if you two could put aside years of bitterness and resentment, then so can I... for a day. Helen - Oh, Amy, why do you say such ridiculous things? Amy - Out loud? (passes between Helen and Rita) So, Jake. You're still with Hele n, huh? Shows remarkable fortitude. And Roger. How's the skydiving going? Helen - Amy, Roger passed away. This is Paul. Amy - Oh, sorry. Paul, how do you do? Paul - Who's Roger? Quinn - He fell onto a cow. Paul - Ick! Daria - And he was one of the lucky ones. Helen - Girls.

Amy - Hey, what's the point of a senseless tragedy if you can't find a little hu mor in it? I like the way you think, Daria. Rita - Now, Amy, I don't know where we're going to seat you... (leads Amy into b uilding) Helen - I need a drink. (Jake laughs) Helen - Why are you laughing? (his laughter dies as he follows Helen inside) Quinn - Wow, Aunt Amy's really weird. Daria - Yeah. (dark clouds roll in, thunder rumbles) (at the wedding) (the wedding party is gathered under a tent outside; the skies are still threate ning rain) (three of the bridesmaids are huddled together and talking, while a young man wi th a very bored expression is leaning on one of the tent poles) Bridesmaid #1 - Oh, it can't rain on Brian and Erin's wedding. It just can't! Bridesmaid #2 - That would be so awful. I couldn't stand it! Luhrman - On the contrary. Rain is an ancient symbol of fertility. Every couple should be so lucky. (Daria and Quinn approach the gathered bridesmaids) Bridesmaid #3 - Oh, don't you see? A little rain won't spoil the happiest day of Brian and Erin's life. Daria - We are now entering hell. Please keep your hands and elbows inside the c ar. Bridesmaid #3 - You must be Erin's cousin. Quinn - I am. But Daria's, um, her cousin... (trails off when she realizes that the lie is the truth, for once) Bridesmaid #3 - What? Daria - Actually, I'm in the witness protection program. The Morgendorffers were kind enough to take me in after my real family was exterminated by the mob. Bridesmaid #3 - Oh. Well, how come you didn't get the same dress as the rest of us? Daria - I did. Bridesmaid #3 - Anyway, it's too bad you guys missed the rehearsal dinner. It wa

s so fun. Let me introduce you to your escorts. (leads them over to a handsome y oung man) Daria, Quinn, this is Garrett. Garrett will be with Quinn. Daria - Of course. (walks away with bridesmaid) Garret - Quinn, you're just about the loveliest thing I ever saw. Quinn - Thanks. Do you think you could get me some soda with just an eentsy-ween tsy slice of lemon, please? Bridesmaid #3 - Daria, this is your escort, Luhrman. (leaves) Daria - Of course. Luhrman - How do you do, Da-rye-a. Daria - It's Daria, actually. Luhrman - Sorry. Daria - So, Luhrman. Is that your first name or your last name? Luhrman - Does it matter? Garret - Well, they seem to be hitting it off. Quinn - Oh, yeah. (at school, in the auditorium) (the bridal show is in full swing, with Upchuck as the emcee; the next person to walk onstage is Sandi) Upchuck - She's rough, she's tough, she's lovely. Our Sandi is in a silk and raw hide outfit by Harve's of Beverly Hills, proving that the happiest day of your l ife doesn't have to be dull. Stick 'em up, hombres. Va va va voom! (Sandi exits the stage; Brittany enters) Upchuck - Here's lovely Brittany in a sleeky and satiny number from Laburb that says, this may be my wedding day but, dammit, I wanna dance! (Mack and Kevin are in the stands; Kevin, holding a soda cup, is fast asleep) Mack - Wake up! It's Brittany! Kevin - What? Huh? (spills soda on his pants) Oh, man! (stands up) Mack - I think you're blowing our cover. Brittany - Kevin, what are you doing here? Kevin - Surprise, babe! Brittany - Ooooh! (walks off the stage) (at the wedding) (Erin and Brian are taking their vows in front of the minister, flanked by the b ridesmaids and groomsmen; Daria, bored to tears, is reduced to looking back at t

he crowd) Minister - And as we share the joy of this lovely young couple, Brian and Erin, we are compelled to ask, what is love? Yes, love, like a tiny rivulet which begi ns in a high mountain, and only after twisting and turning for thousands of mile s, overcoming uncountable obstacles, must eventually meet, and merge, with that great ocean of love which is its birthright and its destiny. (Amy sticks out her tongue, causing Daria to chuckle, which causes all of the br idesmaids -- except Quinn, who's spacing out with joy over the whole ceremony -to glare at her) Daria - (points to Quinn) It was her. (at the bridal expo) (Kevin and Brittany, who's still in her bridal gown, walk through the gymnasium) Kevin - Babe, I said I was sorry. Brittany - What if there had been someone there from a major talent agency? What then? Kevin - Well, I guess they would've seen that you're talented. Brittany - Oh, that's what you guess, is it? More like they would guess I'm dati ng the king of the jerks, and they'd be right! (they suddenly stop at a booth decked out with a truly massive amount of flowers ) Brittany - Wow! Look at all these flowers. Are these for sale or just display? (at the wedding) (the reception is in full swing; Jake and Paul have cozied up to the bar) Paul - So they said to me, "Why don't we just make you VP and have you take over the whole damn operation?" And here I was, 29 years old. Jake - Yeah, you mentioned. So, how'd you meet Rita? Paul - Well, you know, we both love the sea. I have a sailboat. Jake - And she's a little dingy! I'm kidding, of course. Paul - Well, let's face it. Rita's a little flighty, of course, but she's a tige r in the bedroom. (Jake looks over at Helen, who's imploring the waiter to pour more wine into her glass) Jake - Yeah, well, I guess it runs in the family. (at the head table, Daria and Luhrman are sitting with the bridesmaids) (Luhrman mumbles something) Daria - Mmm-hmm. What did you say?

Luhrman - Just a little pointless chit chat. Forget it. Would you like another s oda? Daria - No, uh... Luhrman - Or shall we just split a bottle of drain cleaner? (Daria stares at him ) Please be assured that my remark was intended in jest, and not as an incitemen t to any type of self-destructive behavior. Daria - You're not from around here, are you? (Erin and Brian approach the table) Erin - Daria, there you are! I can't believe I didn't get to see you before the wedding! Daria - (flatly) It was a lovely ceremony. Erin - Oh, but you haven't met Brian. Isn't he marvelous? He works for the gover nment. (whispers) Intelligence. Brian - Erin! Erin - I know, I know, I'm not supposed to say anything, but isn't it exciting? Brian - If our national security is compromised, you can bet there's a woman at the bottom of it. Erin - Oh, you. Daria - (rolls eyes) Oh, God. Brian - Hey, Daria, how come you're not wearing the same dress as everybody else ? Daria - I am. I think I'll go to the... Brian - The little girl's room? Daria - Yeah, the little girl's room. I'm going to powder my nose and check the seams on my nylons. (leaves) Luhrman - I'm sorry, what did you say you do? I thought I heard intelligence, bu t that can't be right. (near the restrooms, the minister is hitting on Quinn) Minister - A wild, rolling, surging ocean of love, on which we, as mere individu als, have no control. Do you understand what I'm saying? Daria - Hi, Quinn. Hi, Father. Minister - Actually, I'm a minister, not a priest. Daria - The important thing is, you're the voice of morality in the community. (in the bathroom) (Daria walks in and finds Amy already at the mirror)

Amy - I hate myself in a formal dress, and everyone else, too. You don't look to o thrilled about things, either. Daria - Oh, no. I'm overjoyed to be at this big family event. Day to day life is n't humiliating enough. Amy - Let's see, you're in college now, or something. Daria - Still high school, unfortunately. Amy - I have some vague memories of high school, but these days, you all carry w eapons, right? Daria - Well, not to formal occasions like this. Amy - That's where you kids make your mistake. (at the wedding reception) (the creepy minister is still hitting on Quinn) Minister - Love thy neighbors, love thy brother, love thy parents. Every time yo u turn a page, love, love, love. Quinn - Wow. (in the bathroom) Amy - Hmm. I thought when I hit thirty I would stop feeling out of place at thes e things. Daria - You feel out of place? Amy - You didn't notice my sisters are so busy competing with each other that I don't even register on their radar? Daria - Yeah, but I just figured you were above all that. I mean, you're kind of ... Amy - Cool? Daria - Um... Amy - I know, you can't say that to me. Law of the teenagers. Daria - Thank you for respecting it. Amy - When I was a kid, with Helen and Rita going at it all the time, all they l eft for me to do was to supply the color commentary. Then, one day, I found myse lf all grown up with my own point of view, and feeling no particular obligation to listen to anyone else's B.S. Ever. Daria - So it actually worked out pretty well. Amy - Unless I have to see my sisters at a wedding, yeah. Sarcasm. It's a great way to deal. (puts on round glasses similar to Daria's) But, you wouldn't know a nything about that, would you? Daria - (smirks) Nah.

(at the bridal expo) (Mack and Jodie are walking through the gymnasium) Mack - Hey, what's the matter? Jodie - This whole thing is starting to get to me. I mean, Daria had a point. Wh y should high school kids be thinking about marriage? If I see one more sweet, d opey girl stuck with a lame-brain idiot... (as if on cue...) Kevin and Brittany - Hi! (at the wedding reception) (Daria is back at the head table, only now she's feeding the gullible bridesmaid s a lot of tall tales about her life) Bridesmaid #3 - Not even the pep squad? Daria - Not even the pep squad. I'll be honest with you, Daphne: I just can't fi nd the time. Bridesmaid #1 - How come? Daria - Well, first of all, there's my work. Bridesmaid #2 - What do you do? Daria - I'm an exotic dancer. You know, at a club. I take my clothes off and dan ce for strange men. Bridesmaid #3 - Really? Wow. Luhrman - She's really very good. Bridesmaid #1 - You've seen her? (Daria turns and looks at Luhrman, surprised and pleased that he's playing along ) Garret - I'd better go check on Quinn. I can't imagine what could be keeping her . (leaves) (at another table) Rita - Oh, it was a lovely ceremony, though, wasn't it? Jake - It really was, Rita. Rita - I'm just so sorry Mom couldn't be here. Helen - Don't worry, she'll get to live it all vicariously when the bills arrive . Jake, how about getting me another glass of wine? Jake - Gee honey, maybe you shouldn't... Helen - Jake, I'd really like a glass of wine, now.

Jake - Right. (leaves) Rita - Helen, you're not bitter about this. Helen - Rita, please. Why would I be bitter? You and Erin deserve the best. You always have. Rita - Oh, so I should be punished forever because I made a few bad decisions? Amy - Hi. What are you two arguing about now? Helen - Arguing? We're not arguing. Amy - Still mad because Dad gave Rita that MG and all you got was a Plymouth Val iant? Rita - My goodness, Amy, the things you remember. Helen - It was a Dodge Dart. (at the restrooms, the creepy minister is still up to his tricks) Minister - I guess what I'm trying to say, Quinn, is, I may be a man of the clot h, but I'm also a man. Garret - Quinn, there you are. Father... Minister - Actually, I'm a minister, not a priest. Garret - We've all been wondering where you were. Quinn - Really? Garret - Well, I know I have. Minister - I've just been explaining to Quinn how emotions can be very confusing for young people like yourselves. Garret - With all due respect, Father, I wonder if maybe you're not the one with the confusing emotions. Minister - I'm not sure I take your meaning. Garret - Oh, I think you do. Quinn - Oh, no. (at the head table) Daria - So, it turns out that you could go through training and you could be up there working on the space station in under three months. Now I'm just waiting f or my Tang. Bridesmaid #1 - Wow. Is that true? Daria - (sighs) No, it's not true. I just made it up. Also, I'm not an exotic da ncer, I don't know Seal, and I wasn't abducted by the undersea fish people. (bridesmaids whisper to each other)

Bridesmaid #2 - We decided we'd better not talk to you anymore. Daria - What? Bridesmaid #3 - It's not that we don't like you. It's just... Bridesmaid #1 - You have problems. (leaves with other bridesmaids) Luhrman - Well, duh. (at Helen and Jake's table; Helen is now quite drunk) Jake - Honey, maybe we ought to think about getting back. Helen - No, my little party's just beginning. Waiter! Jake - Here, I'll get you some coffee and wedding cake. Helen - Oh, Rita would love that, seeing me balloon up right in front of her. Jake - Helen, um, you're being kind of loud. Helen - Oh, no! We don't want a scene, do we? We don't want to spoil the lovely wedding that lovely Mother spent so much lovely money on. (Paul arrives at the table) Paul - Is everything okay here? Helen - Well, you were right about one thing: she sure knows how to pick 'em! Paul - Hey! Jake - Keep it down! Paul - Wanna make me? (Rita and Erin arrive at the table) Rita - What's going on? Helen? Erin - Oh, you know perfectly well what's going on, Mother. Your pathetic boyfri end is making a scene! Paul - What do you mean pathetic? Jake - Look in the mirror, pal! Helen - (stands, swaying) I just want to say one thing, Rita. You may be the pre tty one, you may be the one Mom loves, but I worked my damn butt off! Erin - Aunt Helen! Please! (Brian arrives at the table) Brian - What's going on? No cat fights, ladies! Rita - Shut the hell up, you prehistoric imbecile! (at the head table, Daria and Amy see the fight shift into full gear)

Amy - Things are getting ugly. I suggest we make a hasty but unobtrusive exit. Daria - Really? Amy - Let's go find a place that serves cheese fries. You eat, I'll watch. Daria (to Luhrman) - I'm, uh, taking off. Luhrman - Oh, sure, leave me to the dogs. Daria - You can come if you want. Luhrman - No, I prefer to sit here and watch the carnage unfold. It's been fun, though. (offers his hand) Daria - (shakes his hand) Yeah. Amy - Oh, all right, I'll eat, too. (Daria gets up and they start walking) Amy - Follow me. Don't look to the right or left. There's nothing you can do for these people now. (Amy says this as she and Daria walk out, first passing the table where Helen an d the others are exchanging heated words, then passing Garret and the minister a s they exchange punches, with the object of their fight -- Quinn -- looking on i n delight) (outside the Leeville Lanes bowling alley) (Amy pulls into the parking lot, and she and Daria exit the car and start walkin g towards the building) Amy - This place oughta do. Daria - Aunt Amy? Amy - Just Amy. Daria - Amy, is life always tawdry, stupid, and humiliating, or is it just a pha se? Amy - Just a phase. I'm expecting to grow out of it anytime now. (looks inside) Coast is clear! (inside is a restaurant with a bar; behind the bar is a television showing Sick, Sad World, and seated at the bar is Brian, who somehow made it there ahead of t hem) SSW Announcer - One three-time hubby is not enough for this red hot mammal. The polygamous hippopotamus, when Sick, Sad World returns. Brian - I'm not going back there. I don't care who sent you. Amy - Does he look familiar to you? Daria - I think I saw him on America's Least Wanted.

(Amy and Daria sit at a table) Amy - I suppose you want to ask me what your mother was like as a child. Daria - Okay. What was she? Amy - A tightly wound pain in the ass. Daria - New topic? Amy - Name it. (at the wedding reception) (Quinn consoles a beaten-up Garret) Garret - I don't know what happened. One minute I had him, and then... Quinn - Shh, shhh... (Paul discusses the situation with a couple of police officers) Paul - Everything's under control here, officers. Why don't you two go have a cu p of coffee or something, on me. (hands cops money) (the minister, looking rather beat-up himself, is hitting on another bridesmaid) Minister - Don't worry, I'm no stranger to pain. (Rita and Helen, both drunk and crying, are sitting on the steps in front of the stage) Rita - I love you, Helen! Helen - I love you, too! (takes long drink from wine bottle) (on the golf range) (Jake is lining up a shot, while his caddy holds a flashlight on the ball) Caddy - Sir, wouldn't this be more enjoyable in the daytime? Perhaps with some p artners? Jake - Don't talk, son. You're shaking the light. (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts That Was Then, This is Dumb Episode #205 Written by Anne D. Bernstein (opening theme song) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria walks into the kitchen and sees Helen standing on a stepstool, rummaging

around in the top shelf of an overhead cabinet) Daria - Hiding the cooking sherry from Dad? Helen - I'm going to make some bread, Daria. (pulls out a breadmaker and sets it on the counter) Daria - Isn't that what supermarkets are for? Helen - The Yeagers are coming for the weekend, and I can't serve them store-bou ght bread. Daria - Why not? Helen - I haven't seen them for twenty five years, and let's just say they know a different Helen. A Helen famous for her oatmeal pumpkin seed loaf. Daria - And just what have you done with this Helen? (sound of car horn) Helen - They're here! I hope they don't think I've changed too much. (primps hai r) Daria - Just be yourself. That's what you've always told me. Helen - I could kick myself for that. (walks outside) (Daria and Quinn walk outside, to the sight of a classic Volkswagen Beetle parke d at the curb) Quinn - What kind of car is that? Daria - That's not a car. It's a time machine. (a couple in their late forties exits the car; they're dressed like refugees fro m the Sixties) Helen - Willow! Coyote! Willow - Wow, Helen! Coyote - Man! Jake - My man! Helen - You haven't changed a bit. Willow - And you! Well, just look at you! (a German Shepherd comes up and sits next to Willow) Helen - Why, even Leary is exactly the same. Jake - Come here, boy! Don't you remember old Jake? Helen - Wait, that can't be Leary. He'd be almost thirty by now! Willow - This is Leary number three.

Coyote - We had to replace the original a couple times. Jake - If only you could do that with Timothy Leary, huh, man? (laughs) Coyote - They're working on it, man. Helen - Well, these two are irreplaceable. Our girls, Quinn and Daria. Willow - (clasps Daria's hands) You have a very old soul. Daria - It just looks mature for its age. (Willow returns to the company of Helen, Jake, and Coyote) Quinn - Is this a retro thing, or are they serious? Jake - Let's get your bags, man! Coyote - We travel light. Daria - In the head. I gotta get out of here before I catch any more good vibes. Quinn - Daria, you can't leave me here with those, those... yuppies! Daria - Yuppies are from the Eighties. Quinn - So what do you call people in funny outfits who talk about peace and lov e and stuff? Daria - Trekkies. Anyway, one of us should stay. It's a rare opportunity to lear n more about Mom and Dad. Quinn - Why would we want to do that? Daria - To use against them later. Twenty bucks if you dig up some dirt. Quinn - Sorry, I have a date. If you're getting out of this, so am I. Coyote - Ethan! Come meet the girls! (a good-looking teenager exits the car; unlike his parents, Ethan is dressed for the times, meaning a black T-shirt and jeans) Quinn - You said twenty, right? (at the Lane house) (Jane and Daria enter Trent's bedroom, where he and Jesse are sitting on the flo or, switching back and forth between the same music playing on CD and vinyl LP) Trent - Zappa digital... Zappa analog. Jesse - Sounds the same to me. Trent - And you call yourself a musician? Jesse - No, I call myself an interpreter of sound. (Trent puts headphones on)

Jane - Top secret experiment? Jesse - My parents gave me their old records to sell at the flea market, but now Trent wants to keep 'em. Trent - (a bit loud) It's the warmth of vinyl, man. I'm telling you, it's a rich er tone. Jane - You're tuned to the radio. (turns a knob) Trent - I was wondering why Zappa was selling fish sticks. Jane - The flea market, huh? Need any help? Jesse - We have to be there by 7:00 to set up. Jane - No problem. Daria's an early bird. Daria - There's nothing like watching the sun rise, except watching the sun set in reverse. (Trent and Jesse laugh) Trent - Good one, Daria. Daria - (muttering) Mmm, umm, thanks. Trent - Okay, this time, let's reverse the polarity of the plug. I'll stand faci ng west. (stands) Daria - Are you nuts? Jane - Hey, you could always go on home and swap yogurt recipes with the Yeagers . Daria - And what's wrong with my yogurt recipe? Jane - You should thank me. It's a chance for you to spend some quality time wit h Trent. The flea market is so romantic this time of year. I hear the Chia Pets are in bloom. (to Trent and Jesse) Okay, so, the flea market. We're there. (Jane and Daria leave the room) Trent - Okay, now let's try the thing where I stand on the aluminum foil. (at the Morgendorffer house) (the Yeagers and the Morgendorffers, minus Daria, are sitting at the kitchen tab le) Coyote - So, for the past twelve years, we've been selling hammocks made out of hemp through the mail. Willow - And with all the new breakthroughs with hemp processing, this could be out most exciting year yet! Helen - Oh! That's fascinating. Quinn, didn't you have a date tonight? Quinn - I got Stacy to fill in.

Jake - (to Ethan) You into sports, my man? (no response) Ethan? Ethan - Huh? Willow - We think there's enough aggressive behavior on the planet without creat ing more with quote unquote "healthy competition." Coyote - Ethan's gonna rock climb, when he's ready. Ethan - Whatever. Peas. (spoons peas onto plate) Willow - (bites into slice of bread) Hmmm. You can always tell when a bread isn' t hand-kneaded. Hand-kneaded bread has more soul. Jake - This veggie stuff never fills me up. Anyone want a burger? (gets several cross looks) Hey, fair's fair. We'll all be worm food someday. Helen - Jake! Jake - It's the circle of life, Helen. Coyote - You know, man, you've become kind of aggressive. Jake - Have not! Willow - It's the meat. Jake - Is not! Willow - What ever happened to that mellow, let-it-be attitude you used to have? Helen - Jake? (flashback begins) (Jake, Helen, Willow, Coyote, and others are standing in a circle outside the Pe ntagon) Jake - Come on, everyone. If we focus all our positive energy, we can make the P entagon rise off the ground. (nothing happens, which enrages Jake) Jake - Rise, dammit! (runs over and kicks building) Ow! (flashback ends) Jake - Stupid five-sided building. Willow - Remember our group house? (flashback begins) (Helen and Willow are standing at the kitchen counter, preparing a meal) Helen - Don't you see? So-called enlightened dudes are oppressing women, just li ke society is putting down the movement. (cut to the kitchen table, around which sits Jake, Coyote, and several others)

Helen (VO) - I want some help, and I want it now! Jake - Wow. Sounds like the girls are getting liberated. Coyote - Cool. (flashback ends) (Helen is now standing at the kitchen counter, kneading a batch of bread dough) Willow - And then, after you guys split, we painted a bus and drove out into the desert. I wish you would've stayed with us. Helen - Oh, Willow. It was time for us to move on. Coyote - If that's what you want to call it. Jake - What? Willow - Honey... Helen - What do you mean, Coyote? (wipes forehead, leaving a smear of white flou r) Coyote - Nothing, I love you guys. It's just, I remember the way you were, that' s all. Helen - We're still that way, deep down. Jake - Yeah, man! We're still that way! What way? Coyote - Free of the shallow, superficial value system of a profit-driven cultur e gone terribly, terribly wrong. Jake - Oh, sure, we're that way! (phone rings) (Helen answers, and the scene alternates between Daria and Helen) Daria - May I speak to the old lady of the house? Helen - Daria, where are you? Daria - Jane's. Can I stay over? Helen - I was hoping you would want to get to know our friends. Daria - My old soul has already made their acquaintance in a previous lifetime. Helen - Well, that does free up some space for Ethan. He can take the guest room , and I can put Willow and Coyote in your room. Daria - You're going to put them in my room? You better tether them to the bed s o they don't float away. (Helen laughs, then slowly stops when she looks at Willow and Coyote) (at the Lane house)

(the TV is showing a picture of a frog on a lily pad; the frog has a crown on it s head) SSW Announcer - A nightmare story of an enchanted kiss gone horribly wrong, when Sick, Sad World returns. Daria - Okay, I can stay. You have anything for me to sleep in? (Jane walks over to her closet; reaching into a pile of clothes on the floor, sh e pulls out a rumpled, old-fashioned nightgown that leaves absolutely everything to the imagination) Jane - Don't thank me. Thank Grandma. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Quinn is escorting Ethan to Daria's room) Quinn - And this, is where we keep Daria. (he looks around at the decor: padding and hand railing on the walls, sawed-off bars on the windows, skull and bones on the floor, etc.) Ethan - Cool. Tell Mom and Dad I'm sleeping here. (enters room and closes door) Quinn - Ugh! (in Helen and Jake's private bathroom) Jake - Once you could fit all your worldly possessions into a backpack. Pair of jeans, a few T-shirts, a copy of Steal This Book. And now, look at you. A capita list cheerleader, a sellout in a monkey suit! Dammit! It's time to take a stand! You're not gonna shave tomorrow. (Helen enters the room) Helen - Come on, Jakey, let someone else have a turn. Jake - Helen, do you think I'm past my prime? Helen - Of course not. You're still quite the young buck. Anyway, good looking m en get even handsomer as they mature. Jake - Woo! Too bad it's not the same for women! (chuckles, then stops at Helen' s angry look) (when Jake leaves the bathroom, Helen turns and looks at herself in the mirror, a concerned expression on her face) (at the Lane house) (Daria, dressed in the pink nightgown, is preparing to go to sleep; she slips of f her glasses, and the view instantly turns blurry) Daria - That's better. Now I can't see a thing. (there's a knock on the door; Daria flies across the room and leaps into her sle eping bag, covering everything except her face; the door opens to reveal Trent a nd Jesse)

Jesse - Big day tomorrow. Trent - We'll wake you at six. 'Night. Jane - Good night! Daria - (mumbles) 'Night, see you in the morning. (the door closes, and the room goes dark; in what seems to be no time at all, th ere's another knock and the door opens again) Jane - (sleepily) Come back at six. Jesse - It is six. Jane - (raises head) Then how come you're so damn chipper? Trent - It was easier to stay up all night than to wake up early. Jesse - We'll load the van. Jane - Van? Jesse - You know, the Tank. Jane - Oh, goody. (drops head back onto pillow) (Trent and Jesse leave; Daria sits up in her sleeping bag) Daria - Are they gone? (Trent appears at the door) Trent - Don't forget some money. Hey, doesn't Grandma have a nightgown like that ? (Trent leaves, and Daria puts her hand to her face in complete mortification) (at the flea market) (Daria and Jane are sorting through the LPs; Daria holds up the Velvet Undergrou nd's debut album, the one with Andy Warhol's banana painting on the cover) Daria - Should I file this under "self-indulgent posers" or "underrated geniuses "? Jane - Ask Trent or Jesse, whichever one wakes up first. (motions to the two guy s, who are fast asleep) Daria - I guess they call it a flea market because it makes you want to flea. Jane - Come on, relax. We're going to do well today. (sarcastically) We've got a choice location. (Jane indicates the booth next to theirs, where a man is selling "patriotic" toi let seat covers adorned with the faces of various presidents) (Mrs. Johannsen approaches their booth) Mrs. Johannsen - I'm looking for snow domes. You got any, girls?

Daria - Sorry, ma'am. All we have are these strange, flat discs the aliens left behind. You know about the aliens, don't you? (Mrs. Johannsen leaves) Jane - You enjoy working with the public, don't you. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Willow and Coyote, dressed in their sleepwear, are meditating while balancing o n their heads, their legs crossed) (Helen is in the kitchen when Jake walks in; he's dressed in casual clothes, and is sporting a didn't-shave-today faceful of stubble) Jake - Morning! Say hello to a new Jake. The old Jake! The Jake you haven't seen for a while. And goodbye to cookie-cutter corporate guy Jake. That Jake is gone , gone, gone. Helen - (alarmed) You didn't quit your job, did you? Jake - No, I'm growing a beard again. Helen - Oh! That's great, dear. (Quinn and Ethan enter the kitchen and sit at the table; Ethan looks like he cou ld use another 96 hours of sleep) Jake - Hey, Quinn! How do you like my, new look? Quinn - Dad, are you growing a goatee? That's so two years ago. Right, Ethan? (Willow and Coyote enter the kitchen and sit at the table) Coyote - I really feel centered now. Willow - Nice whiskers. Jake - Thanks! Quinn - Um, it's kind of getting crowded in here. Why don't Ethan and I go out f or breakfast. You guys can sit around and remember things. Ethan - It's breakfast? I thought it was lunch time. I'm going back to bed. (get s up and leaves the kitchen) (at the flea market) (Jane is staring at Daria, who is staring at the sleeping Trent) Jane - Why are you staring at my brother? Daria - Selfless concern. I think he stopped breathing. Jane - Nah, he's entering a dormant stage. In about ten years he should emerge a s a butterfly. (pause) I guess you're gonna wait. (Trent opens his eyes just as Upchuck appears)

Upchuck - Hello, ladies! I didn't know you were of an entrepreneur bent. Perhaps you would be so kind as to show me your goods? Jane - Upchuck, what are you doing here? Upchuck - I am on a quest for the Holy Grail of fast food premiums. A complete 1 985 California Raisins posable eraser set. Only mint condition will do. (nods at Trent and Jesse) Your investors? Jane - Silent partners. (a guy approaches the booth) Guy - Um, do you by any chance have the cast recording of Somebody Up There Like s Me? Daria - No, but we do have Somebody Down Here Doesn't. (guy leaves) Upchuck - I wonder if I may provide you gals with a lesson in salesmanship. It's a once in a lifetime offer. Daria - How about once in two lifetimes. Jane - Now, now, let the boy show us how to do it. Then we won't have to. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Jake is sitting on one of the couches, juggling a set of balls, as Helen enters the room; Leary the dog is sitting nearby) Jake - It's all coming back. You wanna try, honey? Helen - (picks up drool-covered pillow) Ugh, dog drool. That beast! (to dog) Out side! (phone rings as Willow and Coyote enter the room) Helen (into phone) - Hello? Eric? What? They moved the hearing up to this week? I can be there in 20 minutes. Jake - Talk about uptight. (Helen finally catches on that Willow and Coyote are present, and abruptly chanc es her attitude) Helen (into phone) - Mellow out, man. Nothing's so important that it can't wait till Monday, and what are you doing in the corporate cage on the weekend? Go tak e a walk in the park. Jake - Right on, honey. Willow - You still have your priorities. Coyote - Who's up for frisbee? Come on, Leary! (when Willow, Coyote, Jake, and Leary go outside, Helen's tone changes back to n ormal)

Helen (into phone) - Eric? Yes, of course I was kidding. (at the flea market) Upchuck - You see, ladies, trying to close a sale without the proper technique i s like playing cards without a full deck. You must treat your customers like a k ing. This is the ace up your sleeves. You're a joker if you don't, and you'll be left with jack. Daria - Wake me when you get to the twos. (at the toilet seat stall, Mr. DeMartino is talking with the man running the boo th) Man - FDR? No, sir, you won't find socialists on any of my toilet seats. Upchuck - Now, watch a pro in action. Hey! Mr. DeMartino! Mr. DeMartino - Well, Charles Ruttheimer. What is it, Charles? Upchuck - As a man of culture and breeding, I thought you might be interested in some of our audio gems. Mr. DeMartino - Is this a pathetic attempt at flattery, Mr. Ruttheimer? An obvio us smoke screen for your calculated attempt to separate me from the payments I r eceive each week for babysitting a bunch of determined idiots?!?! Upchuck - (frightened) I just wanted to sell you some records... Mr. DeMartino - Got anything by Annette Funicello? (at the Morgendorffer house) (Jake is talking with Coyote, who is working on the Volkswagen) Jake - Hey, man, after you get this baby fixed up, what do you say we go down to the club and play a round? Coyote - The golf course is an ecological disaster. Jake - What, you got trouble with your swing? (Helen and Willow arrive with a couple of bottles) Helen - Here, we thought you boys might like some refreshments. Willow - Home-bottled berry juice. We're going to start a compost pile. Won't th at be fun? (Willow and Helen leave) Jake - Wow! This is strong stuff! Willow - It's got natural pectins. Jake - I love pectins! (at the flea market) (Upchuck is now behind the table, and is in the process of making a sale) Guy - Is this the best you can do?

Upchuck - 'Fraid so... Guy - Well then I'm just going to have to walk away. (turns) I'm walking... (wal ks away, then returns a moment later) Okay, fifty cents. (hands money to Upchuck and takes LP) Trent - Thanks, man. (holds out hand, into which Upchuck drops the money) Upchuck - What about my commission? Trent - Hey, we're training you for free. Jane - Well, Trent, now that you've returned to the land of the living, maybe yo u and Daria can go get us some soda. With caffeine? Trent - No problem. Coming? Daria - (eyes wide) Sure. Jane - Take your time! (Daria and Trent walk off) Jesse - Hmm. I could use a burger. Jane - I'll go with you. Upchuck, can you handle the booth? Upchuck - I can handle much more than that, missy. (Jane and Jesse walk off; Upchuck then spots a man walking past the booth, readi ng a magazine) Upchuck - Excuse me! Is that a vintage copy of Eyefull? Man - 1962. Upchuck - Where did you find such a treasure? Man - That booth over there. (Upchuck leaves the booth to find more copies of the magazine; when he does, the man takes several LPs, stuffs them into his jacket, and quickly walks away) (elsewhere, Trent brings a tray of food to Daria at the foot court; Daria starts to fish in her pockets for money to pay for hers) Trent - That's okay, I got it. (sits down) Daria - I owe you one, then. Trent - Next time. So, Janey says you're avoiding your parent's friends this wee kend. Daria - Their sunny Sixties optimism tends to cancel out my bitter Nineties cyni cism. Trent - Holdover hippies? Daria - Yeah. They're big believers in the concept of voluntary simplicity.

Trent - I gotta use that. Sounds much better than broke. Daria - I guess you gotta give them some credit. Civil rights, environmentalism, the women's movement. People believed in stuff back then. Trent - I know. What's up with that? (at the Morgendorffer house) (Jake and Coyote are now lounging on the hood of the Volkswagen) Jake - I know what you're thinking, that I've turned into the man! Coyote - I'd never call you the man, man. Man, maybe, but not the man. (suddenly throws his wrench) I hate this stupid rusty piece of junk! And I'm tired of buy ing food in bulk! And not flushing every time I go because it wastes water! Jake - Ewww...! (behind the house, Helen and Willow are in the middle of creating a compost pile ) Helen - I'm still young. What happened to my beliefs? What happened to being par t of the solution, not part of the problem? Willow - I hate kneading bread. Helen - What? Willow - (stabbing ground with her rake) I... hate... kneading... bread! (slips and falls) Damn! Helen - Oh Willow! Here! (she attempts to help Willow to her feet, only to get pulled down into the mud a lso) Coyote - Man, can you teach me how to play golf? Jake - Sure I can, man. Coyote - And can we ride around on those little carts? Jake - Sure thing, pal! (mud-covered Helen and Willow appear) Hey, some kind of organic nutrient steam bath, right? Cool! Helen - Jake, we fell on our asses in a pile of garbage. I feel like a hog. Coyote - Hog! I miss bacon. Willow - Oh, thanks so much for your concern! (both women leave) Jake - Wow, sounds like the girls are getting liberated. Coyote - Cool. (Ethan and Quinn arrive; Ethan picks up Coyote's bottle and sniffs the contents) Ethan - Dad, the berry juice fermented again. You gotta watch that. (to Quinn) C

ome on, I'll buy you a slush cup. Quinn - It's about time! Ethan - Got any money? (both kids leave as Jake catches a glimpse of his unshaven face in his berry jui ce bottle) Jake - Where's my razor? (Jake runs into the house as Coyote looks at his bottle, shrugs, and takes a lon g drink from it) (at the flea market) (Jane and Jesse are walking back to the booth, sodas in hand) Jane - You see, my theory is that our primitive hunting instinct has no outlet i n modern society. Jesse - Cool. (slurps soda) Jane - So, rather than stalking animals, we substitute it with the shopping expe rience, and hunt for objects. Jesse - Cool. (slurps soda) Jane - (exasperated) And then, Jesse, while we're asleep, those objects come to life and plot their secret take over our civilization. April 1st, 2007. That's t he day they make their move! Jesse - Cool. (slurps soda) (at the food court) Daria - I don't know. All these people swapping useless junk. Maybe the Yeagers are onto something. At least they're not caught up in a constant state of consum er frenzy. Trent - Yeah, I guess if you're gonna insist on holding on to something from the Sixties, peace and love beats a Get Smart lunchbox. Daria - Especially if the lunch is still in it. Trent - Well, let's go give Jesse and Jane a break. Daria - Too late. (Jane and Jesse arrive) Trent - Who's watching the booth? Jane - Upchuck. Daria - I don't think so. (points to Upchuck, who's rummaging through boxes of magazines with Mr. DeMartin o)

Upchuck - Here, Mr. Demartino! I found another issue of Bachelor Confidential! Mr. DeMartino - You have redeemed yourself, Charles. Woof! (Jane grabs Upchuck by the ear and drags him over to their booth, which they fin d has been ransacked) Upchuck - Um, less to carry home? (later, the foursome are heading home in the Tank; Jesse is riding shotgun next to Trent, while Jane and Daria sit in back) Jesse - Well, we do have three copies left of "Boston." Trent - At least we're not money grabbing capitalist pigs, right, Daria? Daria - Yeah, we're hard core believers in voluntary simplicity. (at a fast food restaurant) (Ethan and Quinn are sitting at a booth) Ethan - No, they never formally charged them, but they did keep them there in ja il for the next day. Quinn - Wow. Hey, where's my eyebrow pencil? This has gotta be worth at least tw enty bucks. Now, tell me again about how Mom punched out the cop. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Helen hands her electric bread maker to Willow) Willow - You're sure you don't want this? Helen - I never use it. Willow - This will cut way down on the time I spending baking for Ethan and Coyo te. (Helen walks over to the refrigerator, pulls a bag out of the freezer, and tosse s it to Willow) Helen - Sister, meet the frozen bagel. (out the window) Hey, guys, it's getting dark. When are you going to come in? Coyote (VO) - In a minute. Jake (VO) - I'm just showing Coyote how to drive without slicing! (ball flies th rough window, narrowly missing Helen) Better! (later, all of the adults are seated at the kitchen table when Daria, Quinn, and Ethan walk in) Helen - Girls, I expected you for dinner. Before I officially ground you, would you care to account for your whereabouts? Daria - Sure. But first, a few questions. (pulls out notepad) Number one: why di d you and Dad spend a night in jail in Boulder in August, 1969? (Helen gasps as Daria, Quinn, and Ethan wear smirks so sharp they could cut glas

s) (the next morning, the Yeagers are packed up and ready to leave; the Morgendorff ers are outside, saying their farewells) Coyote - Thanks for that marketing plan, man. We're going to kick the butts of t hose wimps over at Rainbow Hammocks. Jake - Hey, take no prisoners, man. Predatory behavior is all natural. Quinn - Ethan? Ethan - Yeah? Quinn - You never told me whether you thought I was, you know, cute? Ethan - Oh, well, sure, you're cute. Quinn - Thanks. Ethan - You know, in a shallow, superficial way. Quinn - Thanks. Daria - It's very hard not to compliment you, isn't it? Quinn - Oh, Daria, you don't have to say that. (everyone shouts their good-byes to each other as the Yeagers drive away) Quinn - Daria, do you think long-distance relationships are a good idea? Daria - Yeah. Why don't we try one? Jake - You know, kids, it's pointless to try to go back in time. You have to liv e in the present, and I'm going to start right now. First things first: I'm gett ing rid of all my vinyl records. Hey, Daria! You want 'em? (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Monster Episode #206 Written by Neena Beber (Transcript created by Richard Lobinske) (opening theme song) (at the Morgendorffer house) (a home video is playing on the TV screen: Daria as a young child and Quinn as a toddler are seated at a table wearing party hats, each seated on on either side of a birthday cake with three candles; when Daria goes to blow out the candles, Quinn blows them out first) Young Daria - Hey! You're ruining my birthday cake!

(in the living room, Daria and Quinn are seated on one sofa, Jake on another, wa tching the video) Daria - If only that were all she ruined. (on the video, a long-haired Helen enters the frame) Young Daria - Make her stop! Young Helen - Oh, Daria, she's just a baby. She wants to play, too! (in the living room) Quinn - I'm such a cute baby. Young Daria (VO) - Why can't I be an only child? Daria - Yeah. Why can't I? (on the video, Quinn starts to dance and Daria reaches out to stop the recording ) (in the living room) Jake - Isn't it great to sit here and see your whole life unfold before your eye s? Daria - It's almost as good as drowning. Jake - Girls, guess what? I found a box of old home movies my dad took of me whe n I was a kid! I'm having them transferred to video tape! Quinn - I wonder why I never went through an awkward phase? (outside the Playhouse 99 movie theater) (Daria and Jane are waiting in line) Jane - He wanted you to watch her birth? That could scar you for life. Daria - The birth itself did that. Jane - Speaking of permanent damage... (Kevin and Brittany enter; Kevin is carrying a grocery bag of produce) Kevin - I don't see any vegetables! Daria - You should have my view. Jane - Why vegetables? Brittany - To throw at the screen during the big food fight? Daria - What food fight? Kevin - Daria, are you thick or something? This is the Food in Film Festival. Brittany - Didn't you see the Rocky Horror Picture Show last month? Kevin and I wore each other's underwear.

Jane - Again? Daria - Sorry to disappoint you, but I don't think this is an interactive event. Tonight they're showing Andre Sakarynsky's Last Meal. Jane - A Russian art film from the 1930s. Kevin - Russian? Brittany and Kevin - Subtitles! (Kevin pushes the bag into Daria's arms and he runs away with Brittany) (later, outside Playhouse 99; it is night, and heavy, dark clouds are overhead a s Daria and Jane exit) Jane - I'm hungry. You didn't happen to save any of Kevin's produce, did you? Mr. O'Neill (VO) - Daria? (Mr. O'Neill exits theater and walks up to Daria and Jane) Daria - Uh, oh. We're about to be seen with a teacher. Hi, Mr. O'Neill. Mr. O'Neill - Hi, girls! I'm just so invigorated! Great cinema is timeless. Coul dn't that movie have been made today? Daria - I guess, if you could find someone to exhume the actors. Mr. O'Neill - Can I give you two a lift home? Daria - No, that's okay. We love to walk. Jane - Yeah, it's a perfect night for a nice long stroll. (right on cue, lightning flashes and it starts to rain) (cut to Mr. O'Neill's car; Jane and Daria, both dripping wet, get into the back while O'Neill holds the door) Mr. O'Neill - Don't you want to sit in the front, Daria? Daria - You know, I'd love to, but, you know, I'm afraid of an airbag injury. Mr. O'Neill - Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry, what was I thinking? Of course you must sit in the back! (Mr. O'Neill driving car with Daria and Jane in back seat) Mr. O'Neill - Sometimes I think film is even more a mirror of the times than the novel. Do you think this is because of its greater verisimilitude? Jane? Jane - I can't really hear you back here. Road noise. Plus, I don't know what ve risimilitude means. Mr. O'Neill - What about you, Daria? Daria - Let's face it. Most people would rather watch a movie than read a book. It's fast, it's easy, and you don't have to worry about your lips moving.

Mr. O'Neill - That is a fabulous class assignment, Daria! Thank you for the sugg estion! Daria - Um, did I make a suggestion? Because if so, I'd like to withdraw it. (at Lawndale High, in Mr. O'Neill's class) Mr. O'Neill - So, as an exercise in living literature, you'll all be making your own movies. We have Daria to thank for that exciting suggestion. Daria - There's that word again. Mr. O'Neill - Now, before we split into movie making teams, who would like to di rect? (entire class except Daria and Jane raises their hands and shouts "me!") (at the Morgendorffer house) (Jake is seated at the kitchen table with a camcorder in front of him; Daria is seated next to him) Jake - Remember, this is a precious, precise, and very, very costly instrument. It's not the sort of thing one ordinarily lends a teenager. Daria - We'll be careful. Jake - I explained to you about the three focus modes and the depth of field ove rride and the auto-sleep feature. Daria - I'm about to go into auto-sleep myself. Jake - Okay, Daria. Just... try not to use it too much. (hands camcorder to Dari a) (outside the Lane house, viewed through camcorder with the record light flashing ; Jane's face fills most of the frame; when she moves away, the camera is facing down on a sidewalk with Daria looking up at it) Jane - There. Tree-Cam. Daria - You're just going to leave it running? (cut to wide view; we see that the camera is placed in a tree at the corner of t he driveway and sidewalk) Jane - Only a day or two. It'll catch everyone passing by through the tree's tot ally objective point of view. (long pause as Daria and Jane watch the camera) Daria - Riveting. Jane - Andy Warhol filmed eight hours of a guy sleeping and people thought it wa s brilliant. Daria - Those people changed their minds after they got into twelve step program s.

Jane - Wait... I think I just saw some leaves rustle. Daria - There's our climax. Jane - Maybe we need a script. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria is seated on her bed, reading from a script; the camera is on a tripod po inted at Jane) Daria - And then you open the window and say, "Life is a meaningless descent int o the void." Then you jump, and on the way down you scream, "Now I understand, I understand everything." Jane - Can you get rid of the window part and give me something funny to say? An d a poodle. I'd really like to be in a scene where I'm walking a poodle. Daria - Actors. (at the Lane house) (view through camcorder, with record light flashing, of hand-held clay puppets a mong household items) Daria (squeaky VO) - "Is there no way out?" Jane (squeaky VO) - "No exit, my friend. It's just us, stuck in this room foreve r and ever." (cut to view of Jane's room; Daria and Jane are seated on the floor holding clay puppets within a miniature set and taping) Daria (squeaky voice) - "Help! Hell is other people." (Trent walks by and chuckles) Daria - On second thought, hell is myself. (in a park near a fountain) (Kevin moves in imitation slow-motion toward Brittany, who is wearing a pink for mal dress; Jodie and Mack are taping; Kevin tries to lift Brittany in slow motio n and fails) Brittany - No, babe, you gotta run to me like you haven't seen me in years. I've been in China, remember? Kevin - I was trying to do it in slow motion, like Jodie said. Brittany - You add the slow motion part after, you idiot. (to Jodie) Don't you? Jodie - Who cares. This sucks. I really want to do a film about the supermarket strike. Brittany - But I already paid for this gown. I can't play a checkout girl in thi s. Mack - It's a documentary. You don't need the gown.

Brittany - Oh, no! I won't do a nude scene! Unless you think it's crucial to my character. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Quinn is rummaging through Daria's closet when Daria and Jane walk up) Daria - What are you doing? Quinn - Can I borrow something to wear to the Fashion Club party tonight? Jane - Check her head for bumps. Quinn - Please, Daria? It's the Fashion Don'ts Costume Gala. Jane - You know, a Fashion Don'ts Costume Gala could be kind of... cinematic. (h olds camcorder up) Daria - Hmmm. Yeah. I'll tell you what. I'll lend you an outfit, but you have to let me videotape your friends tonight. Quinn - What, like, with a camera? Daria - Yes. For a movie, for class. Quinn - Why would I say no to that? (leaves with a set of Daria's green jackets and black skirts) (in the living room, Daria and Jane are seated on a sofa watching video of the F ashion Don'ts party they taped the night before) Jane - She's strangely mesmerizing. Daria - Superficial... narcissistic... self-absorbed... she's got star quality, all right. (TV screen showing party; Quinn is dressed as Daria and talking to Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany, each of whom are dressed in dreadful outfits) Quinn (on TV) - I love your don'ts, Sandi. Sandi (on TV) - But look at you, Quinn: boxy top with too long bottom and the wr ong shoes. Where did you ever come up with that? Tiffany (on TV) - Quinn, you're a genius. Quinn (on TV) - I'm, like, an artist, and this is how I express myself! Stacy and Tiffany (on TV) - Oh! Bad color! Jane - She's even scarier on tape. Daria - This party is just the tip of the iceberg. We've found our subject. Jane - You mean... Daria - A day in the life of Quinn Morgendorffer. Jane - Are you sure you want to do a horror movie?

(on the tape, Quinn is pulling her hand through her long red hair, showing off f or the camera) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Quinn, Helen and Daria are sitting around the kitchen table, upon which sits th e remnants of a chicken-in-a-bucket meal) Quinn - So they're going to follow me around for a whole day. Daria - Or a minute, depending on how much we can stand. (Helen starts cleaning up, putting smaller containers into the larger bucket) Helen - It's so nice to get home early and have a chance to make dinner. Quinn, are you sure you want to do this? What about your privacy? Quinn - When did this family turn into such a bunch of privacy freaks? (Jake enters, holding a stack of videotapes) Jake - My video transfers! I can't wait to relive my childhood! Helen - Shall we watch after dinner? Jake - I thought I'd write a little narration before the big screening. I want t o capture the whole essence of the period. Helen - I don't remember you having such fond memories of those days. Jake - It's all coming back to me! It really makes you feel nostalgic for your c hildhood. This is your golden time! Enjoy your youth, girls. Quinn - I think I'll pass on dessert. I don't want to look puffy tomorrow. (leav es) Daria - I guess I'll go watch TV by myself for awhile. (leaves) (in Daria's room) (Daria is sitting on the bed watching television; the TV screen shows intoxicate d ballerinas) SSW Announcer - When these ballerinas work out at the bar, they work out at the bar! Tanked in a tutu when Sick, Sad World returns. (knocking at door) Daria - Come in. (Helen enters) Helen - Daria, I wonder if you'd tell me what you have in mind for this movie of Quinn. Daria - What do you mean? It's just a lame assignment for English class. Helen - I mean, why Quinn? Daria - Well, she's lively, she's photogenic. You know what? She's bubbly.

Helen - Daria... Daria - We're going to follow around Quinn for a day and show the world what it' s like to be attractive and popular. I'm kind of curious about that myself. Helen - It's just that sometimes you judge people's behavior by a pretty rigid s et of standards. Not everyone can live up to them. Daria - That's what wrong with the world. Helen - Not even you live up to them all the time. (pause) Daria - I guess I could go easy on her. Helen - Thanks, sweetie. (leaves and closes door) Daria - But don't hold your breath. (in the living room; the doorbell rings and Daria opens it for Jane) Jane - Ready? Daria - Rarin'. (Quinn, in a rumpled nightshirt and tangled hair, peeks out of her bedroom door to see Daria and Jane, with camera, approaching) Daria (VO) - Remember, we're exposing a hollow, self-centered egomaniac. (Quinn gasps and quickly closes the door) Daria - Trust me. We won't have to work very hard. Let's just say mornings are n ot her best time. (Daria and Jane burst into Quinn's room, camera rolling; through the lens, we se e that Quinn now looks almost angelic, perfectly made up and in a fashionable ni ghtgown; she gets out of bed and walks to the window to open the curtain) Quinn - Good morning, beautiful world. Daria - Aww. Quinn - Don't you want to shoot me? Daria - Yes. I want to shoot you. Quinn - By the way, which is my best side? I know they're both good. (Quinn at mirror while Jane films) Daria - You're already wearing makeup. Quinn - I am not! I just happen to be the kind of person who doesn't really need makeup. Daria - So you're putting it on because...

Quinn - Not everyone is as lucky as I am. I want to be a role model for all peop le. Even the ones who need makeup really badly. Daria - I think I need to sit down. I'm getting dizzy. (outside the Food Lord supermarket) (employees on strike are being filmed in their picket line by Jodie, Mack, Kevin , and Brittany) Strikers (chanting) - The people, united, will never be divided! Brittany - I don't get it! Why are they all standing there? Mack - They're having a dispute with management, so they refuse to work. Brittany - Someone should tell them they're taking up the sidewalk. (Mack, holding microphone, approaches one of the strikers) Mack - Tell me why you're on strike and what you hope to accomplish. Man #1 - It's simple enough: an honest day's pay for an honest day's work, and s top chiseling away at our benefits! Brittany - I'm getting a craving, babe. Kevin - Ho-Hos? Brittany - Yeah! Kevin - No problem, babe! (as Kevin tries to go into the store, he is stopped and surrounded by angry stri kers) Kevin - Hey! Wait a... (a scuffle ensues, with Kevin square in the middle) (at an unidentified fitness center) (Quinn, Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany are each seated on mats in the lotus position; Daria and Jane are taping) Quinn - Power yoga is a really good thing to do because inner beauty is just as important as outer beauty. Like, can you have a CD without a CD player? I don't think so! (at the Morgendorffer house) (Jake is seated on a sofa in the living room, watching his old home movies and n arrating into a tape recorder) Jake - It was a time of innocence, when you left your doors unlocked and candy b ars cost a nickel. Not that those two facts are related, I'm... aww, dammit! Lem me start over here. (on the TV screen, a small boy is riding a bicycle in front of a young woman; th e boy falls off the bike and starts to cry; the woman waves and walks away; the

boy wipes his eyes and gets on the bike, riding away) Jake - It was a carefree time when a young boy could learn to ride a bike on sun -dappled streets. Hey! Hey! Why doesn't anybody help that poor kid? He skinned h is knee! Oh, I get it. "Get back on the bike Jake. Big boys don't cry. Crying is for girls, Jakey." Shake, shake, quiver and quake! It's all coming back to me n ow! (at the pizza place) (outside, Daria and Jane are following the Fashion Club and taping) Sandi - Are your cousin and her friend going to follow us everywhere we go? (they enter and sit down at a booth where a young man is already seated; Daria a nd Jane sit at a nearby table to continue taping) Quinn - I told you, just ignore them. Tiffany - You always say that about them, but they don't usually have a camera. Quinn - It's a little project that I got, um, forced into. By the way, which do you think is my best side? Zachary - They're both good. Quinn - I know, but this side has my better dimples. Daria - I don't know how much more of this I can take. Quinn - Um, guy? Would you find out if they have those cheeseless pizzas? Zachary - Sure! And, uh, it's Zachary. (gets up) Sandi - Why did you invite that guy? Tiffany - I thought you were going steady with Larry this week. Quinn - Larry totaled his car. Zachary's got his mom's car. (Daria and Jane have fallen asleep with the camcorder left on the table) Stacy - You're so smart, Quinn. You always think ahead. Quinn - Did you hear that? Did you hear that, guys? (snaps fingers) Guys! (Daria and Jane wake up) (at the Morgendorffer house) (the lights are off in the living room; Helen walks in to see Jake, drinking a m artini, endlessly repeating the scene of him falling from the bike) Helen - Oh, look at that cute little boy. And he grew up into such a handsome ma n. (bike fall repeated on TV screen) Helen - Honey? Wouldn't you like a little more light in here? (no response) Okay , Jake, I'm just going to catch up on some paperwork in the kitchen.

(she leaves the room, leaving Jake to his childhood traumas) (at the mall) (the Fashion Club, with Zachary in tow, walk through a department store, presuma bly Cashman's; Daria and Jane are taping) Quinn - Thanks for driving us here, Aaron. Zachary - It's Zachary. Quinn - That's what I said. But shopping is kind of a girl thing. Maybe you coul d meet us after or something. Zachary - But what will I do in the meantime? Quinn - I don't know. Do you have any shopping to do? Maybe there's someone spec ial you want to get a present for. Zachary - Um, well, you're kind of special, Quinn. Quinn - Oh, Zachary, you don't have to get me a present. If you ask for Theresa in Junior 5 and tell her it's for Quinn, she'll help you out. Daria (to Jane) - Did you get that? I hope you got that. (she didn't, as she's too busy taping the objects in a cosmetics display case) Jane - Did you know that "pore refiner" spelt backwards is "renifer erop"? Daria - Give me that! (grabs camera) (camcorder view of Quinn and Tiffany at cosmetics counter) Quinn - Oh, look! Pore refiner. I'm glad I don't need that. Have you ever notice d how popular people always have the tiniest pores? I wonder why that is? Tiffany - Your pores are really cute, Quinn. Quinn - (panics) But you can't seem them, can you? (Quinn finally notices that Daria is still taping, and does what Daria has been waiting all day for her to do: completely and totally lose her cool) Quinn - Oh, my God, they've been... they've been zooming! You better not zoom th at thing. Stop zooming, I mean it. If you can see any of my pores on camera, I s wear, I'll kill you. Stop the tape! I do not have pores! My pores are cute! My p ores are tiny! You're fired! (Quinn pushes her hand into the camera lens; taping stops in a burst of static) Daria - Anything you say can and will be used against you. (to Jane) We've got o ur Quinn. Jane - That's a wrap. Daria - But a wrap skirt is a definite don't. (puts hand to face) Oh, my God. Di d I really just say that?

(dream sequence begins) (the Fashion Club is walking down a school corridor; the image is distorted, Qui nn is replaced by Daria in Quinn's body, and the others, while they speak in the ir normal voices, all have Jane's head) Daria/Quinn - I have the cutest little pores, don't I? Jane/Tiffany - You really do. Each one is like a tiny dimple. Jane/Stacy - I wish I had pores like yours, Daria Daria/Quinn - "Pores Like Yours." That would be a great name for a pore conditio ning exfoliant. Jane/Sandi - God, Daria, how do you do it? Here we are, complimenting you on you r perfect pores, and you're unselfishly thinking about how you can improve the p ores of others. Daria/Quinn - Duh! I guess when it rains, it "pores." (all laugh as dream sequence ends) (cut to Daria's bedroom as she wakes up in shock) (in the living room, Jake is in his pajamas and holding a coffee cup; he is stil l watching the same bicycle scene as Daria enters, holding a coffee cup) Daria - Dad? What are you doing up? Jake - I was a child. I needed attention. I had a boo-boo on my knee. Daria - Uh, it's pretty much healed now, though. Right? Jake - Did anyone care? No one cared. This is what I never had, Daria. What we'r e doing now: simple parent/child bonding. The kind of closeness your mother and I have worked so hard to give you. Daria - Gee, that's funny. I could've sworn I woke up from the dream. Jake - You just can't put a price on a moment like this, Daria, and once these y ears are gone, they're gone. Daria - Dad, it's 4:00 A.M. I just woke up from my worst nightmare: resembling m y sister. You're reliving an instance of parental neglect from forty years ago. You call this parent/child bonding? Jake - Works for me. Daria - Let's watch again. (at Do Me a Donut) (Daria and Jane are seated at a booth with coffee and donuts) Daria - Thanks for meeting me here. Jane - Looks like you had a rough night. Daria - Just promise me that if I start acting, talking, or thinking like Quinn,

you'll do the right thing. Jane - If you don't respond to drug therapy, I'll authorize electric shock. Oh, and by the way, your teensy-weensy pores look really cute today. Daria - But which is my best side, hmm? I know they're both good. (she glances over at the checkout counter to find Trent standing there) Trent - Hey, Daria. Jane - Did I forget to mention who drove me here? (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria and Jane, seated in the living room, are watching their footage of Quinn on the TV; Jane has command of the remote) Quinn (on tape) - If you can see any of my pores on camera, I swear, I'll kill y ou. Stop the tape! Jane - This is too easy. Daria - Shooting ducks in a barrel. (Helen enters; Jane stops the tape) Helen - How's that film project coming? Daria - Pretty good. Helen - I haven't seen you so amused since your sister fell at her dance recital . (brief laugh) Daria - That was me. Helen - Oh. Well, I knew it was one of you girls laughing at one of you girls. C an I sneak a peek? Daria - We're still editing. Jane - Quinn's got a real screen presence. (Jane starts the tape) Quinn (on tape) - (in her bedroom) By the way, which is my best side? I know the y're both good. (shifts to her pores rant) If you can see any of my pores on cam era, I swear, I'll kill you. Stop the tape! I do not have pores! My pores are cu te! My pores are tiny! You're fired! Helen - Oh, my. This is a little cruel. Are you sure you haven't taken her out o f context? Daria - She creates her own context. Helen - You know, Daria, I wouldn't let Quinn make a movie that made her sister look ridiculous. Daria - (slightly bitter) How could she? She doesn't admit to having one.

Helen - I'll tell you what, Daria: you do what you think is right. (leaves) Jane - I don't like the sound of that. Daria - Don't worry. She's clearly overestimated my conscious... by assuming I h ave one at all. Quinn (VO) - By the way, which is my best side? (Quinn enters; Jane stops the tape) Quinn - Is that my movie? Can I see? Daria - Sorry, but that would interfere with the creative process. Jane - See, we're like artists, and this is how we express ourselves. You unders tand. Quinn - I can't wait to see it. I just hope I don't sound stupid or anything. (s hort laugh) Not that I would. Daria - Perish the thought. Quinn - I just, I know that sometimes certain types of people, jealous people, m ight think, who does she think she is? Because I sometimes think that. But I can 't let myself go on too long thinking that. Daria - Or anything else. Quinn - I mean, sometimes I'm walking down the hall with Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffa ny, and suddenly I'm outside of myself, watching, and it's, like, "Who are these girls? Can't they talk about anything besides guys, and clothes, and cars?" But then, what would we talk about? You have to be good at something. You're good a t your reading and writing and stuff, and you're good at your little paintings. Jane - They are miniscule, aren't they? Quinn - I figure, being attractive and popular, that's what I'm good at. Maybe i t's not that important, but, you know, it's what I can do. (Quinn laughs a short laugh, then exits; without meaning to, she's managed to gu ilt-trip Daria and Jane like Helen never could) Daria - Aw, hell. Jane - Yeah. (at Lawndale High, in Mr. O'Neill's classroom) (Mr. O'Neill plays Jodie's movie; on screen, Mack pulls Kevin away from the angr y strikers while Brittany jumps on the striker Mack had interviewed; he runs awa y with her beating on him as the movie cuts to "The End. Though the fight for fa ir working conditions is never over."; the class applauds) Mr. O'Neill - Jodie, where did you learn to juggle symbolism like that? Jodie - Um, I worked with storyboards. I think that helped. (Quinn cracks open the door to watch)

Mr. O'Neill - And now, a work by Daria and Jane. (Mr. O'Neill plays Daria and Jane's movie, "The Depths of Shallowness: A True St ory") Quinn (on tape) - I want to be a role model for all people, even the ones that n eed makeup really badly. (cut) By the way, which is my best side? (cut) Like, ca n you have a CD without a CD player? I don't think so. (cut) By the way, which i s my best side? (cut) Don't look like you have on too much makeup. Wear enough t o make it look like you don't have much on. (cut) By the way, which is my best s ide? (cut) Goodnight. Thanks for sharing my day with me. And remember, fashion i s fun and everything, but we should really do something about the rainforest and stuff. Jane - What was that? Daria - I told her I'd give her the opportunity to show there was more to her th an the surface Quinn. Turns out there isn't. Jane - And what exactly happened to the pore stuff? Our big finish? Daria - You know the conscious I don't have? It got to me. Mr. O'Neill - Wow. The Depths of Shallowness. Now, what if we... (Quinn falls into the classroom and blushes, but instead of laughing, the studen ts clap and cheer; Quinn takes a bow) (in the hallway, Jodie walks up to Daria and Jane) Jodie - Your movie really kicked butt, guys. Daria - Oh, sure. Jodie - I mean it! It really captured a kind of despair. Your sister makes me so sad. Daria - You and me both. (all three girls watch as Quinn and a large gathering of people walk through the hall) Guy - You're the girl from the movie! I love you. Girl #1 - Which is my best side? Can you tell me? Jodie - (disgusted) Now I'm really sad. Girl #2 - God, I thought I was the only one ashamed of my pores. Quinn - We're all ashamed of our pores, but you mustn't be ashamed of your shame . Jane - So, you did the compassionate thing, and look where it got you. Daria - She's more popular than ever. We set out to make an expos, it ends up a l ove letter. Jane - See, we're like artists, and this is how we screw ourselves.

Quinn - And you, too, can have bouncy hair if you just take the time to bounce f rom the inside out. Come on, everyone! Bounce with me! (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts The New Kid Episode #207 Written by Sam Johnson and Chris Marcil (Transcript created by Richard Lobinske) (opening theme song) (at Lawndale High) (Daria is at her locker when Jodie approaches) Jodie - Hey, Daria. I didn't see you today. You said you might come to the photo graphy meeting for yearbook. Daria - Yes, well, when the dentist turned off the gas, I had a change of heart. Jodie - But it's fun, and it looks good on your transcript. Daria - I'm against both those things. Jodie - Free film and developing. Daria - Mmm-hmm... Jodie - And if your parents find out that you're even considering it, you could probably squeeze some tremendous bribe out of them. Daria - I'll think about it. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria, Jake, and Helen are seated at the kitchen table; Daria pushes a stack of money towards Helen) Daria - I can't believe you're trying to bribe me... with singles. Helen - Sweetie, it's not a bribe, it's a deal. Honestly, you're worse than my c lients. Daria - I'm sorry. Yearbooks completely distort the reality of high school. Of c ourse, the yearbook experience could provide material for a web page... if I had the software. Jake - Software it is! (Jake grabs stack of cash as Quinn enters) Quinn - Hi! (Quinn takes the money from Jake's hand)

Quinn - Big date! Can't talk! Bye! (exits) (at Lawndale High) (in the yearbook room, Daria is examining a group of photo negatives when Ted en ters) Ted - Hey! You're Daria, right? I'm Ted, the photo editor. I saw your pictures. Daria - Then cut the small talk and get straight to firing me. Ted - (laughs) That's funny, because it's the exact opposite of the truth, right ? You're using sarcasm, aren't you? Daria - Actually, I was being sincere for once. What planet are you from? Ted - Planet? (laughs) Hey! Hyperbole! Very interesting. No, seriously, though, I loved your photos. Your composition seems very Spanish, not unlike the peasant paintings of Francisco Goya. I'm a huge Goya fanatic. You? Daria - Um, yeah, huge. (at the Lane house) (Daria and Jane are in Jane's room; Daria is lying on the bed reading and Jane i s painting) Jane - Actually, Goya liked to paint death, destruction, brutality. You'd have m ade good pen pals. Daria - And the interesting part is, he's never been to school. His parents have taught him at home until now. Isn't that kind of cool? Jane - I judge things by results, so I would have to say... no. Daria - Hey, sarcasm. You two would get along. Jane - If he makes you join his cult, can I have your web page software? Daria - He doesn't belong to a cult, and the shrink-wrap never comes off that so ftware. Soon as I get it, I'm exchanging it for Cannibal Fragfest on CD-ROM. Jane - Computer ultra-violence. Goya would have loved that. (at Lawndale High) (Ted and Daria are sitting in the yearbook room) Daria - Well, since you ask, I was kind of trying to get a high contrast of ligh t and dark. Ted - Neat! You must read a lot of Ovid. I read Orpheus in the Underworld when I was six, and it still haunts me. Daria - Uh, yeah. Me, too. Ted - You know, I had to talk my parents into going to a normal school. Daria - When do you start?

Ted - (laugh) Irony! But I like it here. I only wish that volunteering or charit y fundraising got as much yearbook space as sports and clubs. Come on! (Ted and Daria go to Mr. DeMartino's desk) Ted - Mr. DeMartino? Daria and I were just saying that there are some students a t school who are really making a difference, and maybe we're short-changing them a little bit in the yearbook. Mr. DeMartino - How noble. Perhaps you think we should cut some pages from sport s and clubs to make more room? Ted - Hey! Good idea, sir! Mr. DeMartino - Let me pause and reflect. Everyone! Sports and clubs are cut by ten pages! (everyone starts shouting their objections) Mr. DeMartino - Ha! Not my idea! You've been sabotaged by your own kind. They th ought of it. (Daria looks as if she wants to crawl into her locker, while Ted is blissfully u naware of the hostility aimed their way) Ted - This is going to be great! (in the hallway, Daria is at her locker when Kevin and Brittany approach) Daria - Hello? Kevin - Hello, traitor. It's a nice day, isn't it... for a traitor. Daria - How can I betray something I don't believe in? Kevin - In case you didn't know, sports are, like, the beating heart of the year book... um, system! Brittany - Yeah! Plus, it's like getting in the yearbook is the only reason to j oin French Club in the first place! Daria - Gee, Brittany, what about your deep love for French people and their cul ture? Brittany - Love had nothing to do with it! He was just a lonely exchange student , and I wanted to give him an American goodbye! Daria - Huh? Kevin - Huh? Brittany - Sorry... this yearbook crisis is just messing me up! Kevin - It's all right babe. See what you've done? Traitor! (Kevin and Brittany exit) (in the cafeteria, the Fashion Club members are seated at a table) Stacy - It's totally rude!

Tiffany - Completely heinous. Sandi - It's like this girl Daria doesn't understand reason, or something. Quinn - Well, I hear she's a brain. You can't reason with brains. Sandi - I'm still going to talk to her. As president of the Fashion Club, I can be kind of intimidating. Quinn - Oh, you're definitely scary, Sandi. But I think this is a special case, so let me talk to her. It would mean so much if you let me try. Sandi - You're the best. Quinn - No, you. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria is sitting on her bed, reading, while Quinn stands nearby, trying to pres ent her case) Quinn - But you can't be serious about this. Daria - Listen, Ted has a point. Quinn - Ah-ha! It's that boy. So, it's all about love, is it? Daria - It is not about love. Quinn - All right, keep it your secret to cherish always. But just because you'r e going out... Daria - Ted and I are not going out. Quinn - Whatever. Just tell "loverboy" we want our yearbook back. Daria - Did you hear that? You just used the verb "want" with the noun "book." Quinn - Save the math games for your boyfriend. (leaves) (at the Dewitt-Clinton house) (a knock is heard, and Ted opens the front door for Daria) Ted - Gosh, I'm glad you could come over. Did you have any trouble finding it? Daria - The corn growing in your front yard sort of tipped me off. Ted - Yeah. We keep the squash and beans in the back. I've got all these photo i deas that I want to tell you about. I think a WPA black-and-white dust bowl docu mentary style would be perfect! Daria - Um, yeah. Hey, what's this? (points to wooden box on a shelf) Ted - Oh, that's the phonograph my dad and I made, and from what I've heard abou t television, this is just a good! Hey, I have some early music played on period instruments. You feel like you're right there in front of the viola da gamba! Daria - Actually, Ted, maybe just quiet.

(they sit on a wooden sofa) Daria - This couch is all wood. You and your dad made it, didn't you? Ted - Georgia pine! Very soft. Daria - Okay, that does it. (stands) I'm sorry Ted; I can't keep up with you. Ted - Keep up? What are you talking about? You're the remarkable one. Daria - Oh. (sits down again) Ted - I mean, please don't take this wrong, but you've got it all. Daria - Um, thanks. Here, want some gum? Ted - Hmm. (takes a stick and starts chewing) Daria - I guess when all is said and done, we're just a couple of ordinary Ameri can teenagers. Right? (pause) Ted? Ted - Wow! So this is gum! I like it! Mom! Dad! Gum! I got gum! (Ted runs off as Daria buries her face in her hands) (at the Morgendorffer house) (at the sound of banging on the front door, Jake opens it to reveal two rather p issed-off people: Leslie DeWitt and Grant Clinton, Ted's parents) Grant - Morgendorffers? Jake - If this is for Greenpeace, uh, we've already given. Leslie - Greenpeace? Those corporate puppets? Helen - Do we know you? Leslie - Leslie Dewitt. Grant - Grant Clinton. Ted Dewitt-Clinton's parents. Helen - Sorry, is he one of the boys who went out with Quinn the other night? Grant - Does this look familiar? (holds out a small plastic bag with a wad of used gum) Jake - Gum? Leslie - Yes, from your daughter Daria. Helen - Would you like to come in for a drink? Grant - Alcohol, I presume. Well, now I see where she gets it. Helen - I'll make a pot of coffee. Grant - Caffeine?!

Jake - I don't really understand the problem here. Leslie - Naturally. You people are happy chewing on the empty offerings of so-ca lled modern society. We'd just appreciate it if you kept them away from our son' s mouth. Helen - Now, look here, hippy. Daria may be a handful sometimes, but just becaus e she gave your kid some gum is no reason... Leslie - It wasn't just the gum. She also gave him this. (hands Jake a cassette tape) Jake - The Beatles? (Grant starts to cry) Leslie - We've tried so hard, and nobody seems to care. (Grant and Leslie leave) Jake - Who the hell is this Ted kid? Helen - And what's happening to this neighborhood? First people growing corn, no w this? (at Lawndale high) (Daria and Jane are seated at a table in the cafeteria) Daria - Well, maybe he is a little weird, but he's also a little sweet. Isn't th at important? Jane - Not as important as the fact that he never had gum before. This is so cut e! You're involved with a kook! Daria - We're not involved. (Ted enters) Ted - Hi, Daria! I was looking for you. I carved you this necklace, as thanks fo r the gum. Jane - That's beautiful. I guess somebody here is involved. Ted - Involved in what? Hey, who wants some hummus? Daria - I can't take this. Keep it. Ted - But I want you to have it. I made it... Daria - Ted, I can't take it. We work together on yearbook. We don't make jewelr y for each other. Ted - You aren't being sarcastic or hyperbolic, are you? Daria - No. Ted - Oh, then I guess I'll see you at yearbook.

(Ted exits) Jane - Um, you did the right thing? Daria - Yeah. A guy makes me a necklace by hand and I act like it's nuclear wast e. Sure. I did the right thing. Jane - Okay, now you're being sarcastic. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Helen, Jake, and Quinn are in the kitchen) Helen - But why haven't we heard about this boy before? Quinn - Because he's a freak! Jake - Freak is, uh, good, right? Quinn - Yeah, if you think belonging to a cult is good. Plus, everybody in the c ult has to wear ugly clothes and be completely unsocial. It's the worst! (Daria enters) Helen - A cult? Who is Ted and why haven't you told us about him, and is he tryi ng to get you to join a cult? Daria - (rolls eyes) Oh, brother. Jake - He calls himself brother? You mean like Brother Ted? Daria - No, like, "Oh, brother, you're all crazy." Ted is a nice guy from yearbo ok. He's odd, but he's not in a cult. And for the last time, we are not going ou t. (exits) Helen - She's obviously lying. Jake - Absolutely. Quinn - No question. Helen - Can't you talk to her, Quinn? Why don't you set her up with one of your friends? They're all normal. Quinn - Yeah, and that's exactly why they would laugh me out of town if I tried. Jake - If you do, Mom and I will make it sweet for you. Quinn - How sweet? Helen - How does your own web page sound? Quinn - Not as nice as the crunch-crunch-crunch sound of a new pair of shoes on the high school parking lot. Jake - Deal! Quinn, you're the best. Quinn - Duh.

(at Lawndale High) (the Fashion Club members are seated at a table in the cafeteria; several boys a re seated at the far end of the table) Tiffany - I don't understand why we should help some random loser find a date. Sandi - Now, that's exactly the kind of negative attitude that says, "I'm a fash ion news reader and not a fashion news maker." Quinn - Thank you, Sandi. Stacy - But who will we get to be her date? Quinn - (glances at end of table) Robert? You like sitting at the other end of o ur table, right? Robert - Uh, yes, ma'am! Quinn - Then I have an assignment for you. Robert - Yes, ma'am! (in the gymnasium) (Daria and Jane are next to a trampoline that the student nicknamed "Burnout Gir l" is jumping on) Daria - Do you think I was too mean to Ted? Jane - Oh, brother. Daria - He's not a brother, and he's not in a cult. He's just very honest and et hical and smart, and I shouldn't have been so mean. Jane - Whoa. You're really into him, aren't you? Daria - No, but I do like the way he scares my parents. Jane - Are you sure annoying your parents is good grounds for a relationship? Daria - It was for Romeo and Juliet. (suddenly, Burnout Girl screams and bounces off the trampoline, falling to the f loor behind Daria and Jane) (in the yearbook room) Daria - Um, Ted, I think I owe you an apology. Your necklace was beautiful and I was a jerk for not taking it. Ted - That's okay. Daria - Really? Good. Then I was hoping you'd let me buy you a slice of pizza. Ted - To be honest, Daria, I think maybe you were right. We should keep our frie ndship on a strictly yearbook level. Daria - Wait a minute. Are you blowing me off?

Ted - Well, my parents warned me that kids in conventional school can be kind of ... shallow. Daria - You think I'm shallow? Ted - You sort of remind me of that really popular girl I've seen around... Quin n, I think. Do you know her? You'd probably get along. (judging by the look on her face, Daria's shock could probably be felt on the ot her side of the planet) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria and Quinn are watching TV in the living room; the screen shows the Sick, Sad World logo, followed by the image of a penny) SSW Announcer - Next on Sick, Sad World: hoax, or vision? Some people in Florida claim they've seen the face of Jesus... on a penny! Quinn - Look, if you get thrown off a horse, you have to get back up and shoot i t, right? Daria - I guess so. Quinn - So, I know this cute guy who's got a huge crush on you. Let's double! Daria - All right, this is either a plot to humiliate me, or you need me to go s o I can do something for you. Quinn - Okay, okay, it's a trick. If you come, Mom and Dad will extend my curfew by half an hour, plus I'm dating this guy Shawn who never shuts up. I want some one else there who can talk. Daria - Forget it. Quinn - Ten bucks? Daria - Per hour. Quinn - You're on. Daria - Nope, I've changed my mind. Quinn - Come on, Daria! You want Mom and Dad to set you up with somebody? Daria - (rolls eyes) Oh, God. Quinn - Now, hurry up and get ready. I want to get to the shoe store before it c loses. (blue SUV drives down the street; inside are Quinn and Shawn in front, Daria and Robert in back) Daria - So, what exactly are we going to do on our date? Shawn - What? Quinn - Quiet, Shawn. (to Daria) We'll drive around; go to a convenience store.. . whatever. The usual random teenage shenanigans. Isn't that great? (Quinn hits Robert) Talk to her!

(Robert starts to read from a stack of note cards) Robert - Um, so, what do you think of UN-mandated emission control laws for Thir d World countries? Daria - Noble idea, but the UN's time table is unrealistic. How about you? Robert - Uh, same. Agree or disagree: trade embargoes are an effective way to de al with countries that vi-o-late human rights. Daria - Agreed, but with major trading partners like China, our government alway s finds a loophole. You? Robert - Yeah, same. Can sports and clubs get their pages back in the yearbook? Daria - Okay, stop the car. Shawn - What? Quinn - Quiet, Shawn. (to Daria) Why? You two are getting along great! Daria - I should've known this wasn't a real date when Robert here kept calling me "Darcy." Robert - Sorry, ma'am. Daria - And "ma'am." You were trying to buy my influence with a date? Quinn - That's how we do it in America, comrade. (Daria gets out of car and walks away) Quinn - Nice work. Shawn - What? Quinn - Quiet, Shawn. I meant bonehead, here. Robert - The cards got mixed up. Quinn - From now on, you'll have to find a different table to sit at during lunc h. (Robert starts to cry) Quinn - (relents slightly) For the next week. Robert - Thank you. Thank you. Shawn - What? (at Lawndale High) (Ted and Daria are examining photographs in the yearbook room) Ted - This one's great. You can really feel the pain. But aren't there supposed to be spotters at the trampoline? Daria - Well, I don't think even spotters could've stopped that fall. Anyway, sh

e's fine. In fact, she fell off the uneven bars today, so it was clearly her own fault. (the Fashion Club, plus Kevin and Brittany, enter and face Mr. DeMartino) Daria - Uh-oh. The angry villagers. Sandi - We want our rightful yearbook pages. Brittany - It's not fair that a couple of outsiders are dictating the way yearbo ok is done. (Note: Brittany squeaks the word "outsiders," which Mr. DeMartino then sarcastic ally imitates) Mr. DeMartino - Hey, these two outsiders made a good suggestion, and if it's a g ood suggestion, who cares if it's fair? Quinn - Stand your ground. They can't make us go. Ted - Hey, everybody! Why don't we postpone the showdown until after the sale at Cashman's? (the Fashion Club runs out) Kevin - Not so fast. I'm not leaving until I get results. Ted - Shall we settle it with a grip contest? (Ted grabs Kevin's hand) Kevin - What's that? (Ted twists Kevin's arm around) Kevin - Ow! The geek's hurting me! Ow! Ooh! Ow! (Ted releases Kevin) Brittany - Babe! Are you all right? Mr. DeMartino - That's it. I'm talking to the union. Next year, chess club. Daria - That was a good trick. Ted - Isometric exercises. I've been doing them since age ten. Daria - Ted, I've been thinking. Can we bend our yearbook-only policy and maybe go out for some pizza? Ted - Pizza sounds great! Daria - Really? Ted - Pizza... what's it mean? (at the pizza place) (Ted and Daria at sitting in a booth, a pizza on the table between them)

Ted - I hate to say it, but I think I enjoy this processed cheese. What kind of process do they use? Daria - It's a sugarless version of the one for Ding-Dongs and Ho-Hos. Ted - (laughs) Ding-Dongs and Ho-Hos! You're crazy! I think that's kind of why I like you. Daria - I like you, too. That's what's really crazy. (both take a bite of pizza and pull the slice away, trailing a string of cheese; Daria blushes and they start talking over each other) (at Lawndale High) (Mr. DeMartino is in the yearbook room when Ms. Barch enters) Mr. DeMartino - Ah, Ms. Barch. Ms. Barch - I understand you're cutting the club pictures out of the yearbook. Mr. DeMartino - We decided to shift the emphasis... Ms. Barch - Oh, save it. You know who the faculty advisor to the Science Club is ? Mr. DeMartino - Uh... Ms. Barch - The same person who sponsors the Take Back the Night Lawndale High S chool women's self-defense club. (Mr. DeMartino goes wide-eyed just before Ms. Barch starts kicking his ass aroun d the room) (at the pizza place) Ted - So, what do degenerate outsiders like us do after pizza? Daria - I thought maybe we could play some video games at the arcade. Ted - Oh, no, I don't think so. Gum is one thing, but... Daria - They're harmless. Besides, if you're drafted, you need to know about the m. Ted - I guess I am a little curious. (at Mr. Fun's Exciting World of Games) (Daria and Ted enter and walk past Robert and two friends seated at a counter) Robert - Come on, dudes, let's get over there. Guy - Why? Robert - So we can hassle that chick Darcy and her date. Guy - Why? Robert - I can't remember, but I think it's important.

(Daria and Ted walk up to a virtual 3D simulator) Attendant - Which do you want? Castle scenario, underwater paradise, futuristic dystopia? Ted - I guess the castle one. Attendant - Okey-doke, boss. (Daria and Ted each step onto the pads and slip a pair of VR goggles on; the vie w shifts to the inside of the game, a TRON-like environment where both Ted and D aria are dressed in suits of armor) Ted - Daria? Daria - It's too much, right? I feel a little sick myself. (Ted looks around in awe) Ted - It's not really representative of medieval society, but I have to say this is the coolest thing I've ever seen in my life! (outside, Robert and friends approach the attendant) Robert - Uh, those are some friends of ours. Can we join in? (inside the VR game) Ted - The royal throne! Daria - Good. I need to sit down. (Robert and his two friends appear in the game) Robert - Not so fast, weirdoes. Daria - Robert? Robert - That's Sir Robert, Darcy. Daria - Daria. (Robert and friends charge and Ted steps in, easily beating all three back with his sword) Daria - Ted? Wow. Ted - I taught myself from the eleventh-century manuscript on swordplay. It's ea sy. Robert - No way. I'm not going out like this. Come on! (Robert runs away after his friends) Ted - Let's go, Daria. We can catch them! Daria - This is making me nauseous. You go ahead. (Ted chases Robert as Daria removes the helmet)

Daria - Ah. (Daria sits down on a bench; after some time passes, she walks up to where Ted a nd the others are still playing) Daria - Ted, they're gonna close up pretty soon. Ted - They'll have to pull the plug, then. We still have a lot of fight left. Ri ght, men? Guys - Aye! (Daria exits, leaving Ted and the other guys to continue playing) (at Lawndale High) (Daria and Jane are standing in the hallway) Daria - It's my own fault. He didn't even want to go to the arcade. Jane - I told you: first date, stick to vandalism and loitering, but you always have to be different. (looks down the hall) Heads up. (Ted walks in from the other direction with Robert and his friends) Ted - What you want to do is take the strain off your wrist and use more on your elbow. Like this! (lunges with an imaginary sword) Robert - Oh, yeah! You gotta show me on the machine. Maybe after school? Ted - Okay. You don't know where we might obtain some gum, do you? Jane - Boys playing with swords. I think that probably has some significance. Daria - Oh, well. At least we're still fighting the good fight at yearbook. I'll see you later. (in the yearbook room) (when Daria walks in the door, she notices that Mr. DeMartino has a black eye) Mr. DeMartino - Ah, Daria. I have some bad news about those pages we took from s ports and clubs. (hand goes to eye) Ow, woman! (at the Morgendorffer house) (Helen and Jake are seated in the living room as Daria enters) Daria - I have to tell you something. Jake - You joined the cult? Daria - There's no cult. I had to resign from yearbook. It was a question of eth ics. Helen - (weary) Again? Jake - Don't worry, she was on staff for a week. She can still put it on her col lege application!

Daria - No questions about ethics here. So, then, can I keep the web page stuff? Helen - Actually, we gave it to Quinn. Daria - Quinn? Did she remove the shrink-wrap? (Quinn, in her room, is looking at her personal web page on a laptop computer) Daria - I don't believe it. You did this yourself? Quinn - Of course not. I had one of the cuter technical types from school set it up for me. Daria - I had to ask. Quinn - Oh, sorry it didn't work out with that Ted guy. Isn't it funny that now it turns out that he's almost sort of cool and interesting? Daria - Yeah, hilarious. Quinn - Hey! Check it out! My web page just had twenty-five hundred hits in just the last three hours! Daria - Really? I can beat that. Quinn - You don't even have a web page. Daria - No... but I can hit. (Daria closes the door; we then hear the unmistakable sounds of Quinn being slap ped silly) Quinn - Ow! Ow! Mom! Dad! Help! (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Gifted Episode #208 Written by Peggy Nicoll (opening theme song) (in Ms. Barch's study hall) Ms. Barch - Mack, make that "boys are the scourge of the Earth." (Jane draws Ms. Barch as a dominatrix) (Brittany shows Daria her drawing) Brittany - The Telltale Heart? I love romance novels! Daria - Yeah, nothing says "be mine" like a pounding heart beneath a floorboard. (Brittany shows Jodie her drawing)

Ms. Li - (enters room) Attention, young people. I have an exciting announcement. Grove Hills, the school for gifted and outstanding students, has issued invitat ions to several of our students to visit its campus. And among those so honored are: Ms. Morgendorffer and Ms. Landon. (very light applause) Jane - I knew those straight Cs in math would pay off some day. (at Daria's house) Jake - (pulls plate out of oven) Gah! Damn plate! Hey, mom told me about Grove H ills. That's great, kiddo! Daria - Yeah. I'm tired of being at a school where the kids just think they're c ooler than me. I want to go to one where they think they're smarter than me also . Helen - (hugs Daria) Daria, I'm so proud of you, honey. Grove Hills. The friends you make there could really launch your career. Daria - And why study when you can network? Helen - It's just a visit, Daria. Daria - That's what they told J.F.K. Helen - I'll pay you $20. Daria - A hundred. Jake - Hey! How come you never offer me a bribe? Helen - Because we work together as a team. Now, let me handle this. Jake - Darn it. Helen - If I give you $20 will you let me handle this? Jake - A hundred. Helen - Forty. Jake - Sixty. Helen - Fifty. Jake - Done. Helen - (to Daria) Fifty? Daria - Done. Helen - Then it's settled. We're going to Grove Hills this weekend. (starts coun ting money) Quinn - That place where they fence in all the geeks? Why do I have to go? That' s not fair!

Helen - Quinn, I'm afraid siblings aren't invited. You're staying home. Quinn - You mean the whole family gets to go without me? That's not fair! Helen - Oh, here. (gives Quinn some money) Jake - Hey! Quinn - Don't worry, I'll take good care of the house while you're gone. Daria - You mean like last time, when you had that keg party and Jeffy threw up in Mom's closet? Quinn - He did not. It was Jerome. Helen - I don't like the idea of you staying here alone, anyway. Quinn - Why? I'm not afraid. Daria - Yeah. Why should you be afraid? Of mass murderers, serial killers, tortu rers, cannibals... puppy kickers? Quinn - Muh-om! Helen - Maybe you can stay at Sandi's. Even if I have to call that witch, Linda. (split-screen between Helen and Linda) Helen - Linda? How are you? Linda - Well, I just made 120% of my target projection for this year, earning me a bonus and an incentive check, so I'm pretty damn good. How are you? Helen - Um, I'm having a good year, too. Yes, a very good year. Yes. Uh, thank y ou so much for letting Quinn stay with you this weekend. Now, she sometimes need s a little supervision... Linda - Don't worry. I've got firm ground rules. First and foremost: no boys. Helen - N-O, no. Linda - Sandi has to beat them off with a stick. (laughs) Who am I kidding? I ha d the same problem at her age. (split-screen between Quinn and Sandi) Sandi - So, Ricky and the guys will be waiting for us at Tower Point. Quinn - (writes) Wear smudge-proof lipstick. Linda - I've already hidden the keys to the car, in case Sandi gets any ideas. Helen - You know, I used to have to beat them off with a stick, too. Sandi - I made a copy of the keys to the car. Quinn - (writes) Bring scarf to avoid convertible hair. Linda - And lights out by 11:00.

Helen - Did you hear that? About the stick? Sandi - Then, after my mother checks on us at 11:00, we climb out my window, gra b the car, and meet the guys. Quinn - Boy, Sandi, you've thought of everything. No wonder you're president of the Fashion Club. Helen - My, Linda, you've thought of everything. No wonder you're on the board o f the Lawndale Businesswoman's Alliance. (outside of Daria's house) Jodie - Thanks for the ride. My parents will meet us up there after the new memb ers' brunch at their club. My father's been on the waiting list for three years. Daria - Remember, no matter what happens on this ride you've already waived your right to sue me for confining you with lunatics. (on the road) Helen - So, Jodie, do you belong to any clubs? Daria - You don't have to answer that. Jodie - I'm president of the French Club, vice president of Student Council, edi tor of yearbook, and I'm also on the tennis team. Jake - Daria, why aren't you on the tennis team? Daria - Because it's classified as a sport. Helen - Speaking of sports, Jodie, do you know Kevin Thompson? He and Daria did a science project together. Jodie - Oh, sure. Kevin's great... (softly to Daria) at smashing beer cans with his head. Helen - I don't know why Daria doesn't hang around with him and his gang more. Daria - For the same reason I don't sleep with my head packed in ice. Jake - So, Jodie, got a fella? Jodie - Yeah, his name's Michael. But everyone calls him Mack. Jake - Wow! Daria - Should we go to the main building, or just apply for jobs in the stables ? (at Sandi's house) Quinn - So I told Peter, "Look... I don't care how many times you ask me out. Yo u're not my type!" Sandi - I know. I don't know how many times he's asked me out. Quinn - That's what I just said.

Sandi - No, you said you don't care how many times he's asked you out. Quinn - Well, I meant... Sandi - Oh, look, Quinn. She's wearing sandals like yours. Is this a rerun? Quinn - I don't think so. (stands) Can I get you a diet soda? Sandi - No, thanks. But help yourself to the grapes. I hear they're good for bre akouts. (Quinn runs out) Sam - Hey, sis, what you watching? Sandi - Turn it back. (Chris punches Sandi) Ow! You little geek. Quinn - Hey, what happened to Fashion Vision? Sam - Oh, sorry, Quinn. Um, you want a peanut butter log? Chris - Need a smoother glass? Sam - Should I fluff your shoelaces? Quinn - Well, let's see... Sandi - If you guys like Quinn so much, maybe you should adopt her and I can go live with the Morgendorffers. Sam - Cool. Chris - I'll help you pack. Sandi - Quinn, it's getting kind of crowded in here. Maybe Tiffany has more room . Quinn - What do you mean, Sandi? (Sandi kicks Quinn out) (at Grove Hills) Marina - Hello, welcome to Grove Hills. I'm Marina. Jodie - I'm Jodie. Daria - Daria. Marina - Jodie, Daria. I'd like you to meet Lara, Graham and Cassidy. Cassidy - What's up? Lara - Hi, nice to meet you. Marina - Lara, why don't you fill Jodie and Daria in on the many advantages of a Grove Hills education? Lara - Well, number one: you only have to put up with shrill recruiters at phony functions like this.

Marina - Um, excuse me. (leaves) Cassidy - And you're not surrounded by nearly as many stupid people as you would be at home. Graham - Starting with your parents. (everyone laughs; Daria chuckles a little) Daria - Maybe this place isn't so bad. (at Grove Hills; student meeting) Narrator - At Grove Hills, you can contemplate Proust in our spacious dorm rooms , converse in Latin over a delicious meal... Daria - (whispers) Dump bodies into the river from our scenic bell tower. (Jodie giggles) Girl - Shh! Narrator - So all aboard to Grove Hills, your first station on the track to wisd om. Marina - I hope everyone enjoyed our little film. (various "yes" and "mm-hmm" from others) Marina - Great. I think a super way to start this meet and greet session would b e to tell a little about our goals in life. Who'd like to start? Jodie - Well, someday I'd like to own my own business. Maybe a consulting firm g eared toward minority start-ups. Marina - Excellent! Daria? What about your goal? Daria - Um, I don't have any. Marina - Oh, come, Daria. You must have some goal. Daria - My goal is not to wake up at 40 with the bitter realization that I've wa sted my life in a job I hate because I was forced to decide on a career in my te ens. (Marina giggles nervously) (at Grove Hills; parents meeting) Narrator - Welcome to the hallowed halls of Grove Hills. Do you think it's a coi ncidence that the rich and powerful all seem to know each other? Think again. Th ey met at school. (Andrew and Michele Landon arrive) (Jake snores) Narrator - Don't let your gifted progeny drown in the public school system. Woul d you rather they get an early acceptance to the Ivy League, or stagnate at some

third-rate college? (Middleton College shown on screen) Jake - (wakens) Huh? Hey! The old alma mater! Helen - You must be Jodie's parents. Michele - Why do you say that? Helen - Um... Andrew - Andrew Landon. My wife, Michele. Jake - Hey, Andrew! Saw you parking your Jag out there. Andrew - A little gift I bought myself after hitting the big figures with my fol ding coffee cup. The key was finding a way to keep the damn creases from leaking . Jake - You know, I came up with the idea for the suction-powered nail clipper. B ut then somebody beat me to the punch. Andrew - My boy, Evan. A linebacker, huh? Not that I don't love my girls, but Ev an, he's my son. Helen - Jodie told us all about you -- walking away from a senior vice presidenc y at U.S. World to have a baby! That took guts. A lot of women... Michele - All right, so Evan wasn't planned. But I'm okay with it. Jake - Maybe I could talk Helen into having a boy. Helen - Maybe I could talk you into letting me keep the house. (at Tiffany's house) Tiffany - Does this picture make my nose look too close to my mouth? Quinn - No. They're a comfortable distance apart. Tiffany - How about my teeth? The front ones aren't too white, are they? Quinn - No, they have just the right amount of whiteness. Can we go to Cashman's now? (Tiffany changes outfit) Tiffany - Does this make me look fat? Quinn - No way. (Tiffany changes outfit) Tiffany - Does this make me look fat? Quinn - No! (Tiffany changes outfit) Tiffany - Does this make me look fat?

Quinn - You're not freaking fat, okay?! (Tiffany kicks Quinn out) (at Grove Hills) Helen - I can't tell you how much I like Jodie. I just wish Daria were as popula r. Michele - Oh, well... Helen - I mean, if Jodie can make friends so easily, why can't Daria? Michele - Why should Jodie have any problems making friends? Helen - Well, there's not a lot of... diversity at Lawndale. A few people can be narrow-minded and not always accept -- right away -- people from different back grounds. Michele - How is Jodie's background any different from Daria's? Helen - Absolutely right. Excuse me while I... use the ladies room. Andrew - You know what riles me, Jake-o? Those damn welfare cheats. Jake - Oh, well, I don't... Andrew - Thank God for creative accounting, or I'd be spending half my net suppo rting those couch potatoes. Jake - Yes, but... Andrew - It's because of those lousy cheats that American companies end up using child labor! Jake - Yeah... damn welfare cheats! Helen - Now, Jake. A lot of hard-working people just need a little help now and then. There's nothing wrong with that, right, Michele? Michele - What makes you think I'm in favor of welfare? (at Stacy's house) Stacy - I'm so glad you're staying here, Quinn. Quinn - Yeah, me, too. Stacy - Don't tell anybody this, but I like you best out of everyone in the Fash ion Club. Quinn - Um, that's nice, Stacy. God! Look at Bridgett in that slip dress. Stacy - Slip dress? (starts changing clothes) In fact, I'd say you're my first-b est friend. And Tiffany's my second-best friend. Sandi's my third-best friend. A lthough sometimes Tiffany's third and Sandi's second. But you're always first. Quinn - Um, okay, whatever. Stacy - Quinn, who do you like best? (emerges in slip dress)

Quinn - Stacy! I'm trying to read this article on eyelashes. Stacy - Oh, right, sorry. Quinn - Ugh! I can't believe she's wearing it! Slip dresses are so over! Stacy - (giggles nervously) Yeah, slip dresses are so over. (goes into closet) S o, Quinn, want to go to a movie? Quinn - Sure. What do you want to see? Stacy - I don't know, whatever you want to see. (emerges dressed like Quinn) Quinn - What are you wearing? Stacy - What do you want me to wear? Quinn - And what's that? Stacy - I thought we could color our hair the same shade. Quinn - Um, I gotta go. (Quinn runs away) (thunder crashes) (at Grove Hills) Lara - They say high school's supposed to be the happiest time of your life. Daria - Only if your life is extremely short. Graham - Exactly. You're funny. Jodie - See what happens when you give people a chance? Graham - Our happiest years will begin when we make our first million. I can't w ait to stroll down the Riviera with a model on each arm. Daria - Gee, that's interesting. I guess you can be intellectually gifted and st ill be morally bankrupt. Graham - I certainly hope so. (laughs) Lara - Oh, my God. Graham - I can't believe David has the nerve to show up. Lara - Who does he think he is? Jodie - What did he do? Cheat on a test? Cassidy - Worse. We got our S.A.T. scores back today. David's were only in the 9 0th percentile. Idiot. Lara - I just can't hang out with him anymore. He's too... banal. Graham - And he used to be so interesting.

Daria - Thank God for standardized tests. Otherwise you'd never know who your re al friends are. Graham - Right. I mean... amusing. Daria - See what happens when you give people a chance? Jodie - (exasperated) Daria...! Hey, guys, wait up. (at Jane's house) (Jane answers door, surprised to find Quinn there) (at Jane's house) Jane - What are you doing here? Quinn - Um, I need to use your phone. Jane - What's wrong with your phone? Quinn - Nothing. Can I spend the night? Jane - Are you kidding? Quinn - My mother says I can't stay home alone. Jane - I won't say a word. I'll even spring for the keg, but you have to pay for the dry cleaning. Quinn - It's too last-minute to throw a party. Jane - Then just talk on the phone all night. Ask your friends, if they could be a nail polish, what color they would be and why. Quinn - I'm sick of that game. Jane - You're afraid to go home. Quinn - I am not! Jane - Sorry, no vacancies. Quinn - All right, I'm afraid! There's mass serial puppy killers and stuff. Come on. Please? Jane - I'm going to regret this. (lets Quinn in) Never mind, I already do. (at Grove Hills; parent gathering) Speaker - Here at Grove Hills, we strongly believe that parental involvement is imperative. Helen - I couldn't agree more. Speaker - As a Grove Hills parent, you'll be attending monthly board meetings, w eekend cleanup parties, fund-raising drives... do you collate? Helen - Um, sure. I mean, I would if I had the time, which isn't often. I'll try

to be here, schedule permitting. Parent - I was wondering, just how many students go on to top colleges? Speaker - 91 percent. Parent - And what kind of schools do the other nine percent go to? Speaker - Well, some students require a bit of... rest after Grove Hills. (murmuring) Andrew - What kind of rest? Speaker - Oh, you know, some time away from the pressure of grades and away from the pressure of competition... and occasionally away from the pressure of dress ing and feeding themselves. (at Grove Hills; student gathering) Lara - Before I came here I was an intellectual outcast. They made fun of me for quoting Ayn Rand. Jodie - Actually, I think she's pretty disturbing... Graham - That's not the point. The point is that you know who she is, and that a t Grove Hills, you can discuss her with people like us, instead of idiots and fo ols and a quarterback who tells the whole school you shower in a towel. I'd like to see a quarterback write a paper on Mao. Jodie - I think the Cultural Revolution is... Graham - You have an awful lot to say for someone who doesn't even go to this sc hool yet. Jodie - What's that supposed to mean? Graham - It means why don't we see whether you get in to Grove Hills before we s tart listening to your opinions. Jodie - Hey! Just because some jock made you feel like the loser you are, don't take it out on me. Graham - I'm not a loser! I have a 165 I.Q.! Jodie - Who cares? You're still boring and miserable! Try taking your head out o f your butt for once and opening up your myopic little eyes. Or doesn't your 165 I.Q. make you smart enough to see the way you really are? (leaves) Graham - I'll make sure you never set foot in this school again! Daria - That's a relief. For a minute there I thought you were going to threaten us. (leaves) (outside) Daria - Admit it. That felt good. Jodie - Well, a little. Okay, a lot.

Daria - Busting on jerks like Graham is one of life's few pleasures. You should try it more often. Jodie - Oh, shut up. Daria - Um, good start. Jodie - You realize your negative approach to everything is self-defeating, righ t? Daria - Well, it's nice to know there's someone I can defeat. Jodie - I mean, you may spare yourself some pain by cutting everyone off, but yo u miss out on a lot of good stuff, too. Daria - Look, Jodie, I'm too smart and too sensitive to live in a world like our s at a time like this with a sister like mine. Maybe I do miss out on stuff, but this attitude is what works for me now. Jodie - Then you'll understand what works for me now. At home, I'm Jodie. I can say or do whatever feels right. But at school, I'm the Queen of the Negroes. The perfect African-American teen. The role model for all of the other African-Amer ican teens at Lawndale. Oops! Where'd they go? Believe me, I'd like to be more l ike you. Daria - Well, I have to admit, there are times when I'd like to be more like you . Jodie - Really? Daria - I'm not saying all the time. Jodie - So, Lawndale or Grove Hills? Daria - I'm sticking with Lawndale. If I came here, I'd end up poisoning the slo ppy joe mix. Jodie - Yeah, you're right. I'm pushed to the breaking point being Miss Model St udent at Lawndale. A year here might kill me. (at Jane's house) Quinn - I mean, he was really nice and cute and stuff but he was only two inches taller than me, and my entire shoe collection is based on the concept of dating guys three inches taller than me or more. (looks at Jane's painting) I don't ge t abstract art. Who wants to look at a bunch of squiggly six-eyed people when yo u can get those really pretty cat paintings on the shopping network? Not that I would ever waste money on art. Trent - Hey, Janey. You got any money? Quinn - Money? Are you going out? I wouldn't mind going out for a while. Of cour se, I don't know if I'd want to go out with someone dressed like that. Trent - Uh, who are you? Jane - You remember Quinn, Daria's sister? Trent - Oh, yeah. Daria's sister. Hey.

Quinn - Excuse me, I have a name. Trent - Right. Daria's sister. (turns on TV) Quinn - Ugh! SSW Reporter - You mean you want him back? Even though he tied you to a chair an d left it on an eight-lane highway in the middle of rush hour? Woman - He got carried away by the moment. Quinn - Ewww! How can she go on TV looking like that? (in the Morgendorffer car) Helen - So you're sure you don't want to go to Grove Hills? Daria - Positive. Why go to a special school to learn useless information when I can do it at Lawndale for free? Helen - Well, Daria, your father and I think you're passing up an important oppo rtunity. Jake - But you said... (Helen smacks Jake) Ooh! Helen - However, we said we'd respect your decision, and a promise is a promise. Daria - Really? So I can have that pony now? Helen - If you change your mind, sweetie, you just let us know, all right? Daria - By the way, what did you think of the Landons? Jake - Very nice! Helen - Yes, very nice, very nice. Daria - You ticked them off. Helen - No, no, no, no. Jake - Yes. (in the Landon car) Michele - Of course you don't have to go to Grove Hills. I'd never ask you to do anything you'd regret. Andrew - Oh... me neither. Jodie - So, what do you think of the Morgendorffers? Michele - What a couple of head cases. (outside Daria's house) Jake - Mortgage, sweet mortgage! What do you want to do now, honey? Helen - Trial separation?

(Jake laughs nervously) (Quinn walks up the street, pushed by Jane) Quinn - And then the other thing is, who came up with the name "tennis bracelet" anyway? It sounds like some kind of a sweatband, if you ask me. You know what I 'd name them? Wrist ornaments. It's like a tree ornament, only for your wrist. D oesn't that sound festive? Jake - (frazzled) Take... her... now. Daria - This story I've gotta hear. (in Ms. Barch's study hall) (Jane draws Quinn with a bullet hole in her head) (Brittany shows Jodie her drawing) Jodie - Rent a brain. Brittany - Hmph! Daria - (picks up Jodie's book) How to Win Friends and Influence People. Jodie - It's not bad. It's about all the things a good attitude can get you. Daria - Oh. This is about attitude as well. (holds up Hearts of Darkness) "A you ng man's journey into unknown territory brings him face-to-face with the savage brutality within his own soul." (Jodie and Daria open their books and begin to read) (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Ill Episode #209 Written by Peter Gaffney (opening theme song) (at the Zen) Trent - Hello. We're Mystik Spiral. But we might change our name. (music begins) Trent and Jesse - (singing) I'm glad you're happy watching my pain, burning crop circles on my soul's waves of grain. We had no love scene but you've cut to the chase, you're chopping off my nose to spite my face. Ow, my nose! Ow, my face! Ow, my nose! Ow, my face! Ow... Jane - You want to go for a burger after this? Daria - What?

Jane - (shouts) You want to go for a burger after this? Daria - (shouts) What? Jane - (shouts) Burger! Get! Get burger! (music stops, applause) Daria - Get burger? Hmm... okay. This place does put me in the mood for meat. Jane - Cool. I'll tell Trent we're going with him. Daria - With... Trent? Jane - Yeah, the band's going over to Cluster Burger. You're not going to act li ke a complete nitwit, are you? Daria - Define complete. Um, I just need to go to the bathroom. Jane - Good idea. Check your lack of makeup. (Daria approaches bathroom) Guy - (emerges, coughs) All yours, dude. (Daria enters bathroom) Brittany - (groans and squeaks) I can't stand this. What was I thinking? Daria - Brittany? Brittany - All right, so Kevin is a stupid, selfish, conceited jerk. He's still better than Terry or Jerry or whatever his name is and this stupid club. Daria - Who's Terry or Jerry? Brittany - Oh, no! I've said too much! Eww. What happened to your neck? Daria - Huh? Brittany - Your neck. It's all, like, blotchy. Daria - Ugh. I don't know. Brittany - I'm not surprised you could catch something in a horrible place like this. Daria - Uh, Brittany, could you do me a favor? Brittany - Um... yes? Daria - Find Jane and tell her I had to leave? Brittany - Sure, but... will you promise not to tell Kevin about Terry or Jerry or whoever? Daria - In the unlikely event that, through some bizarre set of circumstances, I actually end up conversing with Kevin, I won't tell him about Terry or Jerry. Brittany - Thanks!

Trent - Daria? You in there? (Daria runs into stall) Brittany - Don't worry. (to Trent) Have some consideration for female modesty, p lease! Trent - Oh, sure. Sorry. (four girls exit bathroom) Brittany - I'll tell Jane. Daria - I won't tell Kevin. (Brittany leaves) (Daria emerges from stall) (Daria avoids Jane, Trent and Jesse) Daria - Emergency. Yes, that is correct. (Daria exits building, heads towards front) Jane - Daria! (Daria jumps into taxi) Daria - Let's go. (taxi pulls away) Driver - Where to? Daria - Um... (driver groans in disgust) (at Daria's house) Reporter - What makes a happy, vibrant, involved teen become a surly, resentful, withdrawn teen? Jake - Yeah, what? Reporter - Drugs, that's what. The old story hits a new generation. (door closes) Helen - Daria, is that you? Daria - Yeah, hi, good night. Jake - Oh, my gosh, Helen, you don't think Daria... Helen - Jake, she was never happy, vibrant or involved. Besides, she's a straigh t-A student.

Jake - That could be her cover! Her pupils -- we should check her pupils. What d id I do with that pamphlet? Helen - Jake, please. Jake - For all we know, she's dealing Mary Jo out of the rec room. Helen - That's Mary Jane, and we don't have a rec room. (in the morning) (Daria's alarm clock beeps) (Daria wakes up, gasps, runs into bathroom, sighs in relief) (in the kitchen) Helen - It's briefs and bagels day at the Carlyle. (leaves) Jake - (clears throat) Uh, Daria, I wanted to talk to you about something. (laug hs nervously) Have you seen this pamphlet? Daria - Huh? "Is Your Teenager Using Drugs? Ten Warning Signs." Yes. Yes. No. Ma ybe. Sometimes. Hmm. About three times a week. And not if she can possibly avoid it. In my opinion, Quinn's clean. Quinn - What? Daria - Although you might want to check her pupils. Jake - (laughs nervously) I, uh, was thinking more about you, Daria. Daria - Oh, then you're not supposed to let me read this. You're supposed to sne ak around, spying on me and looking through my sock drawer. (doorbell rings, Daria leaves) Jake - Oh. Kiddo, which one is your sock drawer? Quinn - I can show you, Daddy. (Daria opens front door) Jane - Well, look who it is. Invisible girl. (walking to school) Daria - Look, I'm sorry about last night Jane - Aw, forget it. It was a rare opportunity, getting to hang out with Britta ny in a grunge club. Although her hair did leak onto my shoes. Daria - You're sure that wasn't her brain? Jane - No, there was too much of it. Any idea what caused this so-called rash? Daria - I wish I knew. Jane - Anyway, the important thing is that instead of going to your friends for help, you ran screaming into the night.

Daria - Basically. Jane - Perfectly logical response. Daria - I thought so. (in Mr. O'Neill's class) Mr. O'Neill - Arrogant, proud, vain... thuggish. King Lear is all of these and w orse. And yet, if we tilt our figurative head to the side and squint just so, is n't he also just a little... cuddly? (Daria sees rash re-appear, leaves the room) Mr. O'Neill - What is it about tyrants that makes them so... I don't know, chari smatic? Our own Ms. Li... Daria? Oh, dear. Perhaps I should ask if anyone else m ight wish to be excused because of the emotionally sensitive nature of today's s ubject matter. (entire class leaves) (Daria runs into the bathroom) (in the bathroom) Quinn - Eww! Gross! Daria - Is there a bathroom in this town without someone I know in it? Quinn - What happened to your face? Daria - I don't know. It's a rash or something. Quinn - Okay, don't panic. I'm sure I have something here. (rummages through bac kpack) Let's see, moisturizing cream with aloe. Too late for that. Well, there's hydro-eight, the ultimate pimple medicine, except that's not really pimples. Daria - I don't get it. You're really helping me? Quinn - Skin-care crises transcend personality conflicts, Daria. It's in the fas hion club bylaws. And this is obviously a crisis. Ick. (more rummaging) Now, thi s is poxicil for non-specific blemishes, and this is salosocilin for a micro-zit condition. Daria - I don't really think any of those are what I need. Quinn - Yeah. It's time for some serious prescriptions. Daria - Hey, what are you doing with all that stuff? Your skin's fine. Quinn - And it's going to stay that way. Well, sorry I can't help. Bye. (leaves) (Daria goes to nurse's office) Nurse Chase - Eww! (split-screen between Helen and Jake) Helen - Jake, honey, we have a problem. Daria is in the school nurse's office.

Jake - Oh, my God, what is it? What did they find on her? Just tell me it's not too late for rehab! Helen - Oh, Jake, will you get a grip? She has a rash and they want her to see a doctor right away. Jake - Rashes, rashes... Helen - I had Marianne call Dr. Davidson, but the thing is, I've got this big Ca lco meeting... Jake - I can be at the school in... 11 minutes. (hangs up) Rashes... never mind, no time now. (comes back and picks up pamphlet) (on the highway) Jake - Damn it! (horns honking) Go to hell, you reckless bastard! My kid's got a rash! Ah, the damn window's up! I said, go to hell, you reckless... hey, hey, g et back here! (at Dr. Davidson's office) Dr. Davidson - Hmm. Daria, I assume the inner lining of your pillow doesn't cont ain any synthetic fibers. Daria - Um, okay. Dr. Davidson - You don't drink carbonated beverages, do you? Daria - Yes. Dr. Davidson - Do you stay away from foods with artificial colors, bleach, flour and refined sugar? Daria - No. What have I got? Dr. Davidson - (laughs) I haven't the slightest idea. Probably some kind of alle rgy but we can't rule out something a bit more... serious. Especially with the s light fever you're running. Just to be on the safe side, I'd like to check you i nto the hospital for some tests. Daria - No way. (at Cedars of Lawndale Hospital) Orderly - There you go. Nice, fresh sheets, and all tucked in. You'd never know that poor Mrs. Sullivan just lay here and... Daria - Who? Orderly - Nobody, no one. See you tomorrow. (leaves) Daria - Dad. Dad! Jake - Huh? Daria - You look thirsty. Why don't you go get a soda? Jake - Oh, there's water here. I don't want to leave you.

Daria - Go ahead, Dad. I'll be fine. Treat yourself to a nice root beer... in a frosty cold can. Jake - Frosty cold can... you know, I wouldn't mind a root beer! How about you, kiddo? Daria - I'm fine. Go on, now. Jake - Be right back. (leaves) (Daria dials phone) (split-screen between Daria and Jane) Jane - Yo! Daria - Hi. Jane - Hi. Where are you? Daria - The hospital. Jane - What? Daria - Just for a night or two, while they run some tests. Jane - Bummer. Daria - It's no big deal, but the thing is, I'd rather you didn't tell anybody a bout this rash. (Helen gasps) Daria - I'll call you back. (hangs up) (Helen and Quinn enter room) Helen - Oh, sweetie. Oh, my goodness, just look at you. Daria - Hi, Mom. Good to see you, too. Dad's getting a soda. (Jake enters room) Helen - Jake, have you seen her face? What did the doctor say? Jake - No one's been in to see her yet, but Dr. Davidson doesn't think it's drug s. Helen - No one's been in to see her, and you're going out for sodas?! Jake, can' t you take charge of a situation for one damn minute? Jake - But I... Quinn - Hi, Daria. Daria - Hi, Quinn. Helen - If you had any sense you'd realize that these big hospitals let patients slip through the cracks all the time. You have to keep after them every second.

Daria - You know, this is exactly the kind of constant bickering that could make an otherwise happy young person turn to drugs. Helen - I want a doctor in here now! Oh, why do I bother? (leaves) Nurse... nurs e... nurse! Jake - You said I could have a root beer. (at school) Brittany - Jane? Jane - Brittany? What happened to your hair? Brittany - Never mind that now. Have you seen... (whispers) Daria? Jane - Why would you want... Daria? Brittany - What makes you think I want her? I don't want her. Jane - You asked me if I'd seen her. Brittany - She hasn't told you anything... interesting about me, has she? Jane - No one's ever told me anything interesting about you. Brittany - That's a relief. Jane - Anyway, she'll be back in a day or two. She's in the hospital while they check out that ra... rare condition. Brittany - Condition? Jane - Yeah, she's come down with a slight case of, um, brain fever. It's a thin g that brains get. Brittany - Wow, that sounds serious. Jane - No, no, usually if you just read a best-seller it'll go away. So, um, no need to mention it to anyone. I'll tell her you asked about her. Brittany - Just ask her if she remembers our deal. Jane - What deal? Brittany - What deal? Jane - The deal you just mentioned. Brittany - I didn't say anything about a deal. Forget I said anything about a de al. Jane - Forget I said anything about a hospital. Brittany - Okay! Jane - Hey! Now we have a deal. Brittany - What deal?

Jane - Later. (leaves) Brittany - (twirls hair) Brain fever... (at Cedars of Lawndale Hospital) (Jake snores) SSW Announcer - Death wore velvety green. Homicidal house plants, next on Sick, Sad World. (Helen and Dr. Phillips enter room) Helen - The word malpractice must still have some meaning. Dr. Phillips - Mrs. Morgendorffer, I assure you... (shivers) Wasn't this Mrs. Su llivan's room? Helen - Who? Dr. Phillips - Never mind. How are you doing, Daria? I'm Dr. Phillips. Daria - Hello. QUinn - Hi, I'm Quinn. I get sick, too. Dr. Phillips - Hello, Quinn. QUinn - I think the way you save peoples' lives is really cool. Dr. Phillips - Thank you. Daria, they'll be coming by soon to take a little bloo d. Besides this rash, is there anything else that's been bothering you? Helen - She's been sniffling. I think she may have allergies but she insists she doesn't. Jake - (wakes) Sniffling? Where's that pamphlet? Helen - Jake, get up and let the doctor sit down. Dr. Phillips - No, no, no, that's all right. Actually, if you all wouldn't mind leaving the room for a moment, there are a couple of rather personal questions I 'd like to ask Daria. Jake - Of course. (leaves) Quinn - Don't bother. She hasn't done anything. (leaves) Dr. Phillips - You, too, Mrs. Morgendorffer. Helen - Oh... all right. (leaves) Daria - Let's make this short. I don't use drugs and I'm not sexually active. Dr. Phillips - (chuckles) No, of course not. Daria - What do you mean, "of course not"? Dr. Phillips - I mean, if you say so.

Daria - So then, what did you want to ask me? Dr. Phillips - Nothing in particular. I just thought you could use a break from your parents for a while. You play gin rummy? Daria - Sure. (Dr. Phillips begins dealing cards) Dr. Phillips - Actually, I did want to ask you one thing. Daria - Yeah? Dr. Phillips - What is it with your mother? (in the hospital) (dream sequence) (ghost of Mrs. Sullivan floats into room) Daria - Who are you? Mrs. Sullivan - I am Eleanor Sullivan. This is my room. Daria - There must be some kind of mistake. The nurses' station is down the hall . Mrs. Sullivan - Hmm... Daria - Eleanor Sullivan? Mrs. Sullivan? Mrs. Sullivan - You mustn't be frightened. I was frightened. Especially during t hose final agonies, ohhh! But that was before I knew where I was going. Come. (Daria and Mrs. Sullivan float out the window and enter Heaven) Daria - Where are we going? Mrs. Sullivan - My dear, don't you know? Daria - Is this Heaven? Mrs. Sullivan - Mmm, it has many names. Daria - It's beautiful. Mrs. Sullivan - Yes. Guy #1 - Hey, what's up? You wanna party? Daria - Excuse me? Guy #2 - Hey, babe, why don't you take your glasses off and relax? Daria - Um, I'm plenty relaxed. You can tell by my deep, rhythmic breathing. Guy #1 - Oh, man, what'd you do? Bring us another brain?

Mrs. Sullivan - Look, I just go where they tell me. Daria - Um, is there a problem? Guy #2 - This is Heaven, sweetheart. What would we want with a brain? Daria - I don't... Mrs. Sullivan - Sorry. (Daria falls through clouds, screaming) (Daria awakens, gasping) (at Pizza King) Kevin - Babe, what happened to your hair? Brittany - Never mind that now. Did you know that Daria has brain fever? Jodie - Brain fever? Brittany - Yeah. Doesn't that sound serious? Mack - You get the scalpel. We can use my dad's barn as an operating room. Brittany - Your dad doesn't have a barn. Kevin - We could use your basement. Jodie - Brittany, I'm sure if it was serious, Daria would be in the hospital. Brittany - Um... Jodie - What? She is in the hospital? Brittany - Eep! Jodie - She's not in the hospital. Brittany - (squeals, then non-stop) I promised I wouldn't say anything about the hospital because I made a deal with Daria and she kept her part and I kept my p art but then I made another deal with Jane and I didn't even know I was making i t and now I didn't keep my part because I told about the hospital so now Jane's going to tell about the deal and I didn't mean anything by it I just wanted to s ee what other kids do at night who don't do sports and he didn't mean anything t o me, Kevvy, I swear it! Kevin - So... she is in the hospital. (at Cedars of Lawndale Hospital) Dr. Phillips - I'm sorry about all this blood work, Daria, but so far, all signs are good. Daria - Other than my having turned into Ms. Tomato Head, you mean. Dr. Phillips - Well, yeah. (Jane enters room)

Daria - Hi. Jane - Hey. Daria - Jane, this is Dr. Phillips. Dr. Phillips - Pleased to meet you. Friend, not family, right? Jane - How can you tell? Dr. Phillips - Daria seemed happy to see you. (to Daria) I'll stop by later. Daria - Okay, thanks. (Dr. Phillips leaves room) Jane - Ooh-la-la. Doctor, I have a pain. Daria - Please. The man is a butcher. Look what he's done to my face. Jane - That's pretty red. Um, what is it? Daria - So far, the tests are all negative, so probably nothing. Like I need thi s. Jane - What? Daria - A big, bright mysterious rash covering my skin. Jane - I know! And here you were, perfectly capable of alienating people on pers onality alone. Daria - You know, you could have just sent flowers. Jane - Hey, it's not so bad. And it'll go away -- if not this year, then definit ely next. Jane - At least no one at school has seen it. They probably haven't even noticed I'm gone. (Brittany enters room) Brittany - Daria? Daria - Brittany? What are you doing here? Brittany - Um, I just wanted to thank you for not going back on our deal, and I thought I might find Jane here and tell her I did kind of go back on our deal, b ut I also kind of went back on your part of our deal so there's no use in you do ing that. Jane - We had a deal? Brittany - And to see how you were. Um, you're kind of red. Daria - Yes, but I'm probably okay. Brittany - Great!

Jane - What was our deal? (Jodie and Mack enter room) Jodie - Daria? Daria - What are you doing here? Jodie - Well, Brittany said you had some brain fever or something, but you weren 't in the hospital. So I kept asking Jane, who finally admitted you had a rash a nd you were in the hospital. Mack - So we just figured we'd come down here and see for ourselves. Daria - I'm probably okay... Mack - So that's cool. Daria - ... for a human lobster. Jodie - Oh, so you're a little red. It could happen to anybody. (looks at Mack) Well, it could happen to lots of people. (Quinn enters room) Quinn - Daria? Daria - Quinn? Quinn - How are you? Daria - Oh, I'm... Quinn - Is that Dr. Phillips coming by today? I've got, um, a twinge. (Kevin enters room) Kevin - Daria? Daria - Kevin? Brittany - What are you doing here? Kevin - I went over to Mack's house and, like, the basement was empty. Daria, am I glad to see you. Daria - Um, thanks, Kevin. Kevin - I was afraid they'd start the operation without me. Mack - It's a long story. Jodie - Maybe later, when you have your strength back. (Mrs. Sullivan enters room) Mrs. Sullivan - Daria? Daria - Who are you?

Mrs. Sullivan - I'm Mrs. Sullivan. Did I leave an enema bag here? (at Daria's house) Helen - Dr. Phillips was very nice. He said Daria's rash was probably triggered by anxiety. He gave us a prescription in case it doesn't go away on its own. Jake - Anxiety? Well, what could be giving you anxiety, sweetie? Daria - Um, let's see. Every aspect of my life? (doorbell rings) That's Jane. Se e you. (gets up to leave) Helen - Daria? Daria - Yeah? Helen - Your father and I just want you to know we're very proud of the way you handled this situation. Jake - That's right, kiddo. Daria - I didn't do anything but sit there like a crash dummy while they took bl ood. (beat) You were worried, weren't you? Helen - Daria, we're your parents. Daria - Yeah, well... (mumbles) Thanks for being there for me. (leaves) Jake - Did she just say...? Helen - Jake, don't spoil the moment. (Daria opens front door) Jane - Hey, ready to go? Daria - Yeah. Jane - Trent's going to give us a ride. Daria - Trent? (opens door wider to reveal Trent) Trent - Hey, Daria. (Daria's rash quickly re-appears) Daria - What? (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Fair Enough Episode #210 Written by Peggy Nicoll

(opening theme song) (at the school library) (water drips on Daria's notebook; thunder rumbles) (Kevin and Brittany enter) Brittany - Wow, look at this place. I wonder what it is. Kevin - I think it's the library, babe. (more water drips; Daria packs up and leaves) (Kevin and Brittany make out; books fall onto them) Brittany - Ouch! (roof collapses) (in Ms. Li's office) Mrs. Bennett - I could have sworn I had money budgeted for a new roof -- under c apital improvements. Ms. Li - Oh, well. Everyone makes mistakes. Mrs. Bennett - Is that a polygraph machine? Ms. Li - Yes! Uh, I... won it in a raffle. Mrs. Bennett - I don't know where we'll get the money for repairs. A fund-raiser , I guess. Boogie Bash '70s Revival Night? Ms. Li - We can't. Someone stole the disco ball. No, we'll have to come up with something that truly captures the spirit of student life at Lawndale High. (in Mr. O'Neill's class) Mr. O'Neill - Now, why do you think it is that Tolstoy felt he had to make War a nd Peace so darned... unpleasant? Daria? Daria - So no one would pester him to do a sequel? Mr. O'Neill - Hmm. (Ms. Li enters) Ms. Li - Good morning, young people. I have a very sad announcement. The library will be closed until further notice. Daria - Great. There goes the only place I can go to be alone. Jane - Oh, you know that's not true. Ms. Li - To raise money for repairs, the school will be presenting a medieval fa ir, simulating life in the middle ages. Kevin - Yeah!

Ms. Li - Volunteers are desperately needed. Those who refuse to volunteer must v oluntarily purchase a ticket for ten dollars or voluntarily face suspension. Hav e a nice day. (leaves) Daria - That may be the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. Jane - I know. We gotta go. (in the hallway) Brittany - Babe, this is very important to me. The Cadbury Tales are, like, clas sic, and I think I'd be great in the play. Just do the audition with me. Kevin - Oh, babe... Brittany - Because nobody plays a love scene like you, Kevvy. Kevin - Oh... Brittany - Now, go practice. Kevin - Yes, ma'am. Break! (runs off) Brittany - Your lines! Quinn - Wow, where's he going? Brittany - We're going to be in a play together at the medieval fair. Quinn - Oh. That's nice. Brittany - We'll be the most popular ones there. (at Daria's house) Quinn - So I thought, if I have to volunteer anyway, I might as well do somethin g that challenges me as a teen and maybe bring some joy into the drab lives of o thers who are less popular. So, they'll have this dinner theater with a play by this guy, Ken Barry, and I'm going to audition for "Emily," the really cute sist er. "Preserve me from the vengeance..." Helen - That's great, honey. Daria, what will you be doing at the fair? Daria - Admiring it from the safe distance of my room. Helen - Daria, this fair is for a very good cause. Everyone should go. Daria - Are you going? Quinn - That won't be necessary. Helen - I meant every student. Daria - But what if Meryl Streep here gets the part? Nothing says support like y ou and Dad leading a rousing cheer from the footlights. (Quinn gasps) Daria - And just think of the delicious dinner.

Jake - Huh? (water bottle falls onto plate) Darn it! (at school) Tiffany - Should we try out for the play? We might get on a poster. Sandi - I don't think the Fashion Club should participate in activities where yo u surrender wardrobe autonomy to someone else. Tiffany - Yeah. We have more important things to do. Sandi - That's right. Let's go to Cashman's and try on sequined gowns. Quinn - Hi, Sandi, Tiffany. Guess what? Sandi - You're transferring to a new school? Quinn - No. I'm trying out for the part of Emily in The Canterbury Tales. Sandi - That is so weird. I am, too. Tiffany - But... Quinn - Really? I didn't see your name on the sign-up sheet. Sandi - Quinn, if you don't want me to audition then just say so. Quinn - Stop that foolish talk, Sandi. I'm happy you're auditioning. If you get the part it'll be just like me getting it, only not. Stacy - Guys, you're not going to believe this. Bret Strand just asked me out. Sandi - Really? Is that okay with you, Quinn? Quinn and Stacy - Huh? (at Daria's house) SSW Announcer - Meet the avant-garde obstetrician who's turned his castoffs into big-ticket artwork. Umbilical cord sculpture, next on Sick, Sad World. Quinn - Dad? Dad! Jake - Huh? Quinn - Could you help me with something? Jake - Honestly, Quinn, I'm just tapped out. I wish I could, but I'm dead flat b roke. If I had a buck on me, you'd know I... Quinn - Da-ad! I need someone to help me rehearse my lines. Jake - Oh, sure! You know, I played Guildenstern in college. I thought I'd be ne rvous, but I was cool as a cucumber. Quinn - That's actually interesting because I'm just a little... Jake - Until I walked on stage and found myself in front of the crowd -- standin g room only. I felt so... naked.

Quinn - Dad, you're not helping me... Jake - I froze. I couldn't say a word. Then it started. The snickering. They lau ghed me off the stage, the jerks! Quinn - I'll go practice upstairs. (leaves) Jake - Quinn, honey, it wasn't that bad -- really! After a few months, the teasi ng tapered off and... Quinn - Stop! Jake - Maybe I should go talk to her. Hey! Ziggy! (in the school auditorium) Sandi - Oh, Palamon, who has such love for me. Upchuck - For which he is deserving of... death. Quinn - Oh, Palamon, who has such love for me... Kevin - For which he's, like, deserving of death. Cool! Brittany - Oh, pal o'mine, who... who... who can remember all this? Mr. O'Neill - Uh, shall we begin? Sandi - Uh, I do, I guess. Mr. O'Neill - I now pronounce you husband and wife. And thus with perfect bliss and melody, Palamon wedded Emily. (Upchuck grabs Sandi; Sandi falls to the stage) Upchuck - Hey! Why fight it, toots? We're man and wife now. Sandi - Keep dreaming, Charles. (knees Upchuck in the groin) (Upchuck groans in pain) Brittany - I do, Kevvy... I mean Palimony. Kevin - Yeah, me, too. (Kevin and Brittany begin making out) Mr. O'Neill - I now pronounce you... oh, dear. Okay, guys... um, Brittany. Britt any? Brittany! Brittany - Yes? Mr. O'Neill - That was... very good. But now it's time to give someone else a ch ance to audition. Brittany - Okay. Come on, Kevvy. Mr. O'Neill - Um, actually, I'd like Kevin to stay on stage. Kevin, you're reall y doing something special with Palamon.

Kevin - But... aren't I Palamon? Mr. O'Neill - Now, who's next for Emily? Ah, Quinn. Quinn Morgendorffer. Quinn - Right here. Brittany - Eep! (in Jake's car) Quinn - I will make a dainty garland for my head and sing. I will make a dainty garland for my head and sing. I will make a dainty garland for my head and sing. Daria - With a hey-nonny-nonny, tra-la, tra-la. Would you give it a rest? Quinn - Daria, I have to rehearse. It's not my fault Mom's making you come to th is. It's not like I want you there. Daria - Aw, thanks. Helen - Stop it, you two. Quinn, Daria's very happy to be seeing you in your pla y. Aren't you, Daria? Daria - I will make a dainty garland for my neck and choke. Helen - I hope the other girls weren't too disappointed that you got the part ov er them. Quinn - Well, let's see. Sandi was really nice about it. She said she's too matu re to get upset at somebody else's incredible, unbelievable, undeserved luck. An d Brittany just kind of made noises. Daria - I guess she's speechless with joy that you and Kevin are going to be act ing together. Quinn - For your information, Daria, she volunteered to drive him so he could wo rk on his lines. Daria - Did she volunteer to get him a dainty transplant for his head so he coul d remember them? (Brittany's car cuts them off) Jake - Damn kids! (in Brittany's car) Brittany - Crazy old jerk! I hope that didn't disturb your concentration. Kevin - Nah. I'm cool. Brittany - 'Cause, you know, I don't want anything to distract you from your per formance. Kevin - I know, babe. Thanks. (they drive by the school) Kevin - Uh, babe... isn't that the turnoff for school?

Brittany - I don't think so. Kevin - Really? Wow. I am concentrating. (at the medieval fair) Helen - Daria? Quinn? Jake - That's funny, they were here a minute ago. Hey, my man! Cool threads. Kid - You calling me a wuss? (the Griffins approach) Helen - Linda! Tom! Linda and Tom - Helen. Jake. Linda - Have you met Sam and Chris? Boys, say hello to Mr. and Mrs. Morgendorffe r. Sam - You suck. You suck! (Chris stomps on Sam's foot) Ow! (both run off) Tom - Uh, kids, come back here. (runs after them) Linda - Congratulations on Quinn getting the lead in the play. Helen - Why, thank you. I heard the competition was pretty stiff. Linda - Well, poor Sandi's acting is a little subtle. Mr. O'Neill was obviously looking for someone over the top. (Helen gives phony laugh) (at the jousting booth) Ms. Li - Mr. White, if you'll just sign this waiver absolving Lawndale High of a ny responsibility for your accidental death, we can start the fun! (plays fanfar e) Let the sport begin! Mr. DeMartino - Well, if it isn't Jamie. I hope you're better at wielding a lanc e than you are at opening a book. (charges at Jamie) Jamie - You got my name right. Somebody actually... (Mr. DeMartino knocks him do wn) Mr. DeMartino - Next! (on the main drag) Daria - Thanks for meeting me here. Jane - Hey, I wanted to come, remember? Besides, I had to get out. Trent discove red a new chord. Upchuck - Would either of you lovelies be interested in a madrigal? Daria and Jane - No. Upchuck - (sings) I am the brave Sir Chuck, Sir Chuck, manly and strong and quic

k... Jane - (sings) I'm going to cut out your tongue, your tongue, and fry it up on a stick. Upchuck - (purrs) Feisty. Hey! Andrea! You like madrigals? (runs after Andrea) Andrea - Don't touch me, you Howdy-Doody-looking creep. (at the witch dunking booth) Mrs. Bennett - Good afternoon, young men. You're about to learn firsthand the pr ofit-generating principles by which games of chance... (Chris throws ball, knocks Mrs. Bennett into water) Chris - Yes! Mrs. Bennett - (chuckles) Maybe I should say games of skill... (Mrs. Bennett is dropped into water again) (at the pie booth) (Stacy sobs) Sandi - God, Stacy, what's wrong? You look awful. Tiffany - Yeah. Really, really bad. Stacy - It's Bret. He said he'd call me after our first date but he never did, a nd I just saw him and I said hi and he pretended like he didn't even see me. Sandi - Bummer. Tiffany - Yeah. Sandi - These long skirts are so hard to walk in. Tiffany - I know. (Stacy bawls) Sandi - Stacy, it's gonna be all right. Tiffany - He's not worth it. No guy is. Stacy - Thanks, guys. Oh, it's so great to know I can count on my true friends. Tiffany - So, then, he's not dating anyone now? (Stacy wails; Quinn walks past with costume) Tiffany - I cannot believe Quinn got the part over you. That's so wrong. Sandi - Oh, I'm sure she'll do a good job. (at the information booth) Jodie - Hey.

Jane - If Prince Charming kisses you, you think you'll wake up from this nightma re? Jodie - It's for a good cause, okay? Daria - You just keep telling yourself that. Or have your ladies-in-waiting do i t. Jane - Where's Prince Mack? (growling from "Slay the Dragon" booth) Jodie - It was Ms. Barch's idea. Jane - (sarcastic) No! (Mack emerges in dragon costume, growls) Kid - Are you Barney? (Mack roars) Sam and Chris - Kill the dragon! Kill the dragon! Mack - Ow! (screams as kids pummel him) (at the fortune teller's tent) Ms. Barch - You will marry a man while still in your prime. Then, after putting him through school and spending 20 long-suffering years begging him to turn off those damn Broncos and get a real job, he'll walk out of your life, leaving a tr ail of muddy footprints behind on the freshly cleaned carpet. But you'll be bett er off without him. Much better off. (girl runs away, sobbing) Jane - Much, much better off. Daria - And she's the living proof. Jane - Should we get our fortunes read? Daria - I'll pass. Knowing the present is bad enough. Jane - Then how about a Ferris wheel ride? Daria - Do I look desperate to you? Sam and Chris - Crusades! Crusades! Upchuck - Ladies... wait till you hear the Ballad of the Misunderstood Minstrel. Daria - Do I look desperate to you now? Jane - Yep. Daria - Let's go. (Daria and Jane enter Ferris wheel)

Operator - You're in luck. One basket left. Upchuck - Hey, come on. Listen to my song. It's only got 12 verses. Sam and Chris - Inquisition! Inquisition! Upchuck - Ow! Hey! Ow! (kids pummel Upchuck) Stacy - (sobs) Please, you gotta let me on. Operator - Can't. We're full up. Stacy - But I don't want anyone to see my eyes. They're this really weird shade of red. Operator - Sorry, safety regulations... Stacy - I'll pay you double. Operator - All aboard. (puts Stacy in with Daria and Jane) Daria - Excuse me. You can't do this. Jane - We're human beings, damn it! (Stacy bawls as ride starts) (at the archery booth) Linda - And everyone thought I'd had a cesarean because Sandi's head was so roun d and smooth and not flat and bumpy like the other babies. (shoots arrow) Helen - Well, my labor with Quinn was only two hours, 20 minutes, so her head wa s quite round, too. Linda - That's great, especially since giving birth can be risky for women over 35. (Helen shoots and misses) (backstage at the play) Mr. O'Neill - Now, I want everyone to take a minute and visualize the audience. As we finish our wonderful play, they finish their delicious dinner and leap up as one in a standing ovation. Brava! Brava! Everyone. Cast - Brava, brava! Mr. O'Neill - Yum, yum! Cast - Yum, yum. Mr. O'Neill - Now, let's bow our heads for a moment and remember poor James Dean . Quinn - Oh, Palamon, who has such love for me; I will make a dainty garland... S andi? Tiffany? What are you guys doing here? Tiffany - We came by to wish you luck.

Sandi - Not that you'll need it. Tiffany - No way. Quinn - You really think so? Sandi - You're really talented, Quinn. I especially like your unique inflections . Quinn - You do? Sandi - Like, say a line for us. Quinn - Well, okay: "I will make a dainty garland for my head and sing." Sandi - See what I mean? Tiffany - Oh, yeah. Quinn - What do you mean, Sandi? Sandi - Well, anybody else would have said "I will make a dainty garland for my head." But you, Quinn, with your... special talent, you said, "I will make a dai nty garland for my head." I mean, it must be talent because you wouldn't emphasi ze the wrong words, would you? Quinn - No, of course not. Sandi - I didn't think so. (leaves) Tiffany - I can't believe she thinks she should have gotten the part over you. T hat's so wrong. Mr. O'Neill - Quinn? Have you seen Kevin? (in Brittany's car) Kevin - Now, I know we don't take a highway to school, babe. Brittany - Are you sure? Kevin - Um... no. (on the Ferris wheel) Stacy - I even wore my crushed velvet tank top, the one with the scoop neck, and he still didn't ask me out again. If only you were popular enough to understand . Jane - Yes, if only. Daria - When the hell is this ride going to be over? (in the auditorium) Helen - What's this? Kid - Dinner theater; this is dinner.

Jake - Don't we get utensils? Kid - Hey, it's the middle ages, pops. Jake - Pops?! Helen - Come on, Jake. Jake - What do you think happened to the rest of this turkey? (at the jousting booth) Mr. DeMartino - Try blaming this on dyslexia! (knocks Joey down) Jamie - Come on, Quinn's play's about to start, anyway. Mr. DeMartino - Next! (on the Ferris wheel) Stacy - (sobs) But why? Is it something I said? Something I wore? Oh, I wish I w ere dead. Daria - Look, don't flush your entire world down the drain just because some jer k didn't ask you out on a second date. It probably had nothing to do with you an yway. Jane - Unless you did something really stupid, like bore him with your petty pro blems and convoluted logic. Stacy - Why would I do that? (in the auditorium) Helen - This is revolting. I think I'm going to be sick. Jake - Hey, you going to eat that? (backstage) Quinn - I will make a dainty garland! I will make a dainty garland. I will make. .. Jamie - Hi, Quinn. I just wanted to stop buy and wish you good luck. Jeffy - I want to wish you even better luck. Joey - I want to wish you the best... Quinn - Guys, if you want to help me, find Kevin. He's not here and there's no o ne to play Palamon. Jamie - I'll play Palamon... Joey - Come on, man... Jeffy - No, me! Quinn - Guys, don't fight over me.

Mr. O'Neill - Desperate times call for desperate measures. Eeny-meeny-miny-mo. (Three J's argue) Mr. O'Neill - Now, Jeffy, all you have to do is read Palamon's lines until Kevin gets here with his very good reason for sabotaging our play. Quinn - Thanks, Jeffy. (leaves) Jeffy - Who am I supposed to be again? It started with a "P"? Jamie - Jamie - The Pardoner. Jeffy - Oh, yeah. (chuckles) (onstage) Quinn - "I will make a dainty garland for my head and sing." La, la-la-la. Jeffy - "That lust proceeds from wine and drunkenness, consider how drunken Lot pervertedly slept with..." (audience groans) Quinn - What? Jeffy - "That lust proceeds from..." Quinn - Stop! (audience snickers) Quinn - Oh. (audience laughs) Jake - Snicker, snicker, snicker! Damn it! Who's laughing? What's so damn funny? (kid hits Jake with turkey leg) Why you little...! (food fight begins) Quinn - What's going on? (turkey leg knocks Quinn's hat off) Oh! (runs offstage, crying) (on the main drag) Stacy - Then, do you think I should call him? Daria - Yes, right now. Before I commit justifiable homicide. (Stacy leaves) Jane - (robotically) Must-stick-head-cold-water. Jodie - Guys, can you help me out? There's some kind of riot going on in the aud itorium. Just watch the information booth while I find Ms. Li. (hurries off) Jane - Uh-oh, someone just put us in a position of responsibility. Daria - The day has suddenly turned sinister. (at the fortune teller's tent)

Mr. O'Neill - (sobbing) I just wanted the play to go well. Ms. Barch - Of course you did. See, in another life, you were a woman, which exp lains why you have feelings. Mr. O'Neill - Really? Ms. Barch - Your cards also say that you and a still-attractive coworker have a chance for unparalleled bliss, provided you avoid the troglodytic behavior commo n to your sex. Mr. O'Neill - Really? When? Ms. Barch - Very, very soon. (Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Barch begin making out) (at the information booth) Girl - Why aren't you wearing costumes? Daria - We were, but we donated them to the Museum of Glorifying Violence In Med ieval Times. Boy - The medieval times were cool. Daria - Yeah, the air was cleaner and there was less crowding since the Black De ath wiped out a third of the population in many places. Jane - Must have been cool to see the ox carts rolling through the streets, pile d high with festering corpses. (later) Daria - And the real Robin Hood lived in the 1300s. King Edward II busted Robin and his band of outlaws poaching deer. But, rather than punish him, he pardoned Robin and made him his special friend. Jane - Robin was so grateful, from that day on he insisted on giving the king hi s bath. (later) Daria - Actually, Anne Boleyn was no prize either. Jane - She had six fingers on her left hand, a big mole on her neck, and don't e ven ask me what was going on below that. (in Brittany's car) Kevin - Um, babe... now, I know it doesn't take this long to drive to school. Brittany - Are you sure? Kevin - Oh, man! (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts See Jane Run Episode #211 Written by Rachelle Romberg (opening theme song) (in gym class) Ms. Morris - (blows whistle) Okay, ladies, listen up. Since it's "Focus on Agili ty" month, for the rest of the class, I want you all to work on your cartwheels, splits and aerials. Brittany, that's a perfect split. Brittany - Thanks, Ms. Morris. Whoa... (falls on face) Daria - Funny how all the drills for "Focus on Agility" month are the same ones you'd do if you were trying to sneak a cheerleader practice into regular gym cla ss. Jane - Yes, and I don't intend to stand for it. They can have my squat-thrusts w hen they pry them from my cold, dead hands. Daria - What? Jane - I don't know. (Evan enters, Jane smirks appreciatively) Daria - See something you like or just browsing? Jane - I'm thinking about getting those running shoes. Daria - Uh-huh. What color were they? Jane - Just kick the bleachers out from underneath me, okay? (Ms. Morris approaches) Daria - Uh-oh, busted. Ms. Morris - Ladies. Why aren't you exercising with the rest of the class? Jane - We are exercising. Daria - We're exercising our right to abstain from cheerleader practice. Ms. Morris - That's not cheerleading, it's agility. Jane Lane, you're just like your sisters, aren't you? Jane - We share certain chromosome pairs. Beyond that, I'm not supposed to say. Ms. Morris - You know what I mean. Can't be part of a group. Always have to be d ifferent. Your sister Penny never wanted to participate, either. I taught her a thing or two about the American competitive spirit. Jane - You sure did. That's why she's spent the last ten years out of the countr y.

Ms. Morris - I know what kind of upbringing she's had. What's your excuse? Daria - I'm just plain no good? Ms. Morris - Life's just one big smartass joke, isn't it? Well, I'm here to prep are you for the real world. I'll see you both after school to make up this class . Brittany - (muffled) Can somebody help me, please? (in the school hallway) Kevin - Yo, how come you look so down, Mack Daddy? Mack - Don't call me that. I think I screwed up that ethics test today. How'd yo u do? Kevin - Pretty good. Mack - Wait a minute. You weren't even there today. You cut class on the day of a midterm? Kevin - I was excused. I didn't have to take the test. Coach talked to the teach er, and I got by. Mack - You mean you got "a bye." Kevin - Yeah, that's it. Coach says I gotta maintain a "C" average to stay on th e team, so he took care of it or something. Mack - Hey, that's not fair. I'm on the team and I had to study. Kevin - I'm the Q.B., Mack Daddy. Mack - (angrily) I've told you a million times, don't call me that! When are you going to get it through your thick skull already? (leaves) Kevin - If that's how you feel all you had to do was say so, bro. So, bro... wha t's wrong, bro? (Mack groans) Daria - Did you hear that? Jane - Whoever said life was fair? Daria - I don't know, but I'll bet he was a quarterback. Jane - You know, I had this weird anxiety dream where we had this pop quiz in ma th that I was totally unprepared for. Daria - Were you in your underwear? Jane - No. That's how I figured out it wasn't a dream. Daria - Uh-oh. Not a great score on the quiz? Jane - My straight "C" average in math is now in serious danger of becoming a "D ." So I'm off to study hall.

Daria - To finish your nap? Jane - You know me too well. (leaves) Kevin - Yo, bro, what's wrong? I'm here for you, bro. Hey, bro, wait up! (at Daria's house) Jake - Gee, Daria, you're home late from school today. Daria - Quinn's always home this late. Jake - Yeah, but that's because she's usually with some... oh, my gosh, Daria, y ou met a guy! Daria - Actually, I'm late because I had to make up gym class. Jake - Oh, you don't have to pretend with old Dad. Go on, tell me, who's the luc ky fella? Gee, Daria, I hope he's not pressuring you to, uh, do... anything. Daria - All right, you figured me out. He's a senior and he carves words into hi s arm. Together we're hoping to buck the odds against teen marriages. Jake - (laughs) That's a good one, Daria. Daria - I'm kidding. Jake - Of course you are, kiddo. I knew that. Daria - Oh. If someone named Knuckles calls, it's for me. Helen - Daria, just getting home? Daria - I had to make up gym. Helen - Really? Why? Daria - The teacher was running a cheerleading practice during class, so I sat o ut. I'm not going to jump like an idiot to prove to the world what I don't belie ve, which is that jocks are great. Helen - Good for you, honey. The only way it will stop being a man's world is if we get the boys out there in their short shorts cheering, too. Mmm... What I me an is, this double standard has got to end, right, Jake? Jake - Damn straight! Equal pay for equal work. Is that right? Helen - Daria, I don't approve of refusing to participate in class, but no daugh ter of mine is going to buy into the mindset that a woman's purpose in life is p leasing men. Quinn - Like my new shoes? They pinch my toes and give me blisters but they make my legs look hot so I'm going to buy another pair. (at school) Jane - So Helen actually supported you on this gym class thing? Daria - Her vestigial sense of right and wrong was acting up again. What does yo ur mother think about it?

Jane - I don't know. When she gets back from the painted desert I'll ask her if she had a vision. You know, I'd really like to show that Ms. Morris that the Lan es are no bunch of ordinary deadbeats. Daria - Of course not. You're deadbeats with style. Jane - Exactly, and speaking of style: fashion fiends at high noon. (Fashion Club chuckles) Sandi - Can you imagine joining an actual sport? Stacy - You'd get all sweaty and your makeup would smudge. Tiffany - You're supposed to date jocks, not be one. Quinn - Oh, and I read in Waif that running makes your feet spread to a bigger s hoe size, which would look really, really, really bad. All - Ewww! Sandi - How are your feet in those new shoes, Quinn? Quinn - They're killing me. Sandi - Oh... that's too bad. (beat) What kind of loser would sign up for the tr ack team? Evan - You girls don't think I'm a loser, do you? Sandi - Are you asking if you can hang out with us? Evan - Nope. I prefer women with a slightly more enlightened attitude toward fit ness. Sandi - Oh, yeah? (Fashion Club leaves) Evan - I guess you can be born in the '80s and still stuck in the '50s. Jane - Mmm. Evan - It's hard to believe there's anyone alive who still thinks being athletic isn't ladylike. Jane - Mmm. Evan - Women can excel at any sport they put their minds to. Daria - I definitely agree with that. Jane - Me, too. I'd like to sign up for the track team. Daria - What? (on the school track) Ms. Morris - Miss Lane, what are you doing here?

Jane - Trying out for track team. Ms. Morris - You won't participate in regular gym class, but you want to join an extracurricular sport? Jane - I like to run. Ms. Morris - Okay. Let's see if you're any good at it. (leaves) Jane - I'd particularly like to run up and down your spine wearing track spikes. Evan - She isn't your favorite teacher? Jane - We have a score to settle. Evan - I'm Evan, by the way. Jane - Jane. Evan - So, you think you're ready for track? Jane - Yeah. I figure if the people suck I can always wear headphones. Evan - I'm way ahead of you. Jane - Until we get out there. (in the school hallway) Daria - You walking home? Jane - Um, not today. Practice. Daria - So you made the track team? Jane - Yeah. (beat) This is the part where you say, "Hey, way to go, congratulat ions." Daria - (flatly) Hey, way to go. Jane - Congratulations...? Daria - (flatly) Congratulations. Jane - Now, don't get mushy on me. (at Daria's house) SSW Announcer - Are microbes having sex in your drinking water? H-2-aooh! next, on Sick, Sad World. Daria - Jane. On a school team. That's pathetic. Hey, if she's the pathetic one, why am I talking to myself? (Helen overhears) And more importantly, why am I wa iting for a reply? (in the living room) Sandi - Quinn, it is so great of you to invite us over to watch the Miss Contine nts of the Earth Pageant.

Quinn - Oh, Sandi, it's so great of you to come over. (Daria comes downstairs) Tiffany - Quinn, your cousin or whatever sure spends a lot of time at your house . Quinn - Yes, well, um, she has nowhere else to go, what with her parents being i n jail and all. Tiffany - Look, it's starting. Daria - Shouldn't you all be running around in teddies and giving each other mak eovers by now? (applause from TV) Sandi - Mustard is not her color. (microwave beeps) Quinn - Oh, the no-salt, no-oil, fat-free popcorn is ready. Stacy - Popcorn? Tiffany - Yum. Daria - Stop, my mouth is watering. (girls go into kitchen) Daria - Oh, yeah, I know I like to wear heels with my bathing suit. (Helen overh ears) And I never go swimming without my lip liner. (in the kitchen) Helen - Quinn, I need to ask you something. Quinn - All right, so Tuesday night I wasn't washing cars for the United Way, bu t Mom, if you'd seen his boyish smile you'd understand. Helen - Actually, I wanted to ask you to spend some time with your sister. Quinn - Why don't you just lock me in the attic till I'm 25? I can't sacrifice a ny more for her, Mother, I just can't. Helen - Quinn, I'm worried. She's alone too much and I think she's talking to he rself. Just give her an afternoon. She'd do it for you. Quinn - Should I agree to perform this sensitive and difficult task -- and I'm n ot saying I will -- what's in it for me? Helen - I am disappointed that it's come to this, but... you can take my credit card to the mall. Quinn - Platinum? Helen - Green.

Quinn - Gold. Helen - Done. (at Daria's bedroom) (Quinn knocks on door) Daria - (out loud, to herself) Someone's knocking. (to Quinn) Come in. Quinn - Hi, Daria, how's it going? Daria - Okay. Out with it. Quinn - I was thinking that you and I could... you know, do something together. Daria - All right, who are you, and where are you hiding Quinn? Quinn - What? Can't a sister spend time with her... Daria - Cousin? Quinn - All right, Mom is forcing me to hang out with you. Daria - Forcing? Quinn - I've got her gold card. Daria - Why didn't you say so? Give me the first cash advance and you can come w ith me to the library. Quinn - The library? If anyone saw me there, I'd die. Daria - Okay, then, how about the mall? You know, where your friends hang out. (at the public library) Quinn - Um, hi. Boy #1 - Will you read to me? Boy #2 - I really like stories. Boy #3 - You don't have to tell me a story. Just talk. Quinn - So Jack and Jill went up the hill or whatever to the sample sale, where Jill found the perfect ensemble and Jack gave it to her for the one-month annive rsary of their first date. Calvin - Hey, Quinn. I just came by to pick up my little brother from story hour . I didn't know you were a reader. Quinn - Um, hi, Calvin. I'm not actually... Calvin - That's really cool. I mean, you're popular; you don't have to volunteer . Quinn - Oh, well, you know, I get back more than I give. I mean, the children ap preciate it so. Uh, librarian... could you return these magazines for me? Thanks a bunch, dear. So, where are you guys headed now? (leaves with Calvin)

Daria - "Thin Thighs For Your Man." But I don't like men with thin thighs. (in the school hallway) Daria - Land that big sneaker endorsement yet? Jane - Nah, they wouldn't meet my price. Today's our first track meet. I wouldn' t mind if you were there. Daria - Oh. Well, you know how I hate to cancel my line-dancing lesson... but ok ay. Jane - Cool. (leaves) Daria - The question is, am I supporting my friend or her surrender to the syste m? (Andrea closes locker) Do you mind? This is a private conversation. (at the school track) Trent - Hey, Daria. Daria - Trent? What are you doing here? Trent - I came to support Janey. (beat) They're power-scrubbing my room again. A nyway, this running stuff means lot to her. Daria - Uh-huh. Trent - What she's doing takes guts. All that practicing, day in, day out. Daria - Yeah. Trent - And what for? So a crowd of drunks can make your art the backdrop to the ir pathetic mating dance? They don't care about your dream. They just want somet hing loud going on so they don't have to talk. Daria - Um, we're not discussing Jane anymore, are we? (Ms. Morris blows whistle) (runners begin running, with Jane out in front) Mack - Hey, Jane's good. Jodie - She's great! (cheering and applause) Daria - (flatly) Go, go, kick butt. (at Pizza King) Daria - And you missed a lot of really good TV while you were at those practices . The other day, they had this special, When Animals Hold a Grudge. Jodie - Jane, you were amazing. First place? Mack - Yeah, congratulations.

Jane - Thanks, I just pretend I'm running away from a pep rally. Kevin - Yo, bro! Mack - Gotta go. (Mack and Jodie leave) Daria - So anyway, this one parakeet was really ticked off at its owner for not changing its water... Evan - Hey, teammate. Did you see this girl run like the wind? Daria - Have you ever heard her break wind? Jane - Daria! Evan - (chuckling) That's pretty funny. See you at practice, speedy. (leaves) Daria - So anyway, the parakeet waits until its owner... Jane - Jeez, Daria, what the hell was that about? Daria - What? Kevin - Hey, hey, hey, it's the track star. You're gonna like being a jock, man. When you're a winner, everybody wants to be your friend. Daria - Not like those boring friends you had who liked you even when you lost. Jane - You mean the ones who made incredibly humiliating jokes at my expense? Daria - Oh, come on. Jane - You come on, Daria. So, I tried something different. I went out on a limb and participated in something and it worked out. Why do you have to be so pissy about it? (leaves) Kevin - Uh, babe, this is really awkward, right? Brittany - Yeah, babe. Kevin - It's creeping me out! Brittany - Oh, Kevvy, come on. Nurse Brittany gonna make you feel all better. (K evin and Brittany leave) (Daria dumps soda on her pizza) (montage: track meet, crowd cheering, Jane wins again) (in gym class) Daria - All right, so I thought I was making a joke, but I was really humiliatin g you in front of this guy you like... Jane - Appreciate. Daria - This guy you appreciate, which was stupid and insensitive. So I'm an idi ot and I'm sorry. Okay? Jane - Not so fast. How do I know this is a sincere apology and not a cheap ploy

to get back on my good side? Daria - Why does there have to be a difference? Jane - I accept. Daria - Thank you. Pizza after school? Jane - Wish I could. Practice. (Ms. Morris approaches) Daria - I guess we'd better join the rest of the cheerleaders before we get dete ntion again. Jane - Don't worry about it. Daria - What do you mean? Ms. Morris - How are the legs, Jane? Jane - Okay. Maybe a little sore after the meet. Ms. Morris - Sore? You better rest up for tomorrow. Here, go watch TV in my offi ce. Jane - I don't know. I-I don't really want to be all by myself... Ms. Morris - Ms. Morgendorffer, you join her. (leaves) Daria - Yes, ma'am. Anything for the team, ma'am. (beat) So that's your archenem y. Jane - You think it's hypocritical of me to accept favors from a woman I despise ? Daria - Does she have cable? Jane - Let's find out. (Brittany falls on her face, whimpers) (at Daria's house) Daria - (out loud, to herself) Oh, they're eating dinner. Should I sit down and join them or fake a headache? (to family) I'm not feeling too well. I think I'll eat later. (leaves) Quinn - Oh, boy, cuckoo girl is at it again. Helen - I'm really worried. She's been acting this way for days. Jake - It's that guy, Knuckles! I tell you, he's messing with her head! Helen - Quinn, I thought you were going to spend some time with your sister. Quinn - Oh, yeah, here. Helen - What's this?

Quinn - Well, that one is my time sheet showing the hours and locations where I baby-sat Daria. And that other one is a receipt for my new pleather jacket. Than ks. Jake - $300?! Quinn - Dad, it's very difficult to keep her amused. Oh, and when the cash advan ce shows up on the statement? Don't blame me -- that's Daria's. (in the school hallway) Daria - How'd the math test go? Jane - I passed. Daria - You hope. Jane - I know. Daria - Well, aren't we confident. If I had as much trouble wi... (beat) You got a bye on the test, didn't you? Jane - I probably would have gotten a "C" anyway. Daria - I can't believe it! Jane - Hey, you watched TV with me instead of going to gym. Daria - So? Jane - So, that was one perk of being on the team. The math test was another. Daria - You don't see any difference? Jane - Yeah, the math test was a hell of a lot better. Daria - Give me a break. (leaves) Evan - What's up with your friend? Jane - Oh, I rubbed her self-righteousness the wrong way. Evan - I don't know why you hang out with her. Jane - What do you mean? Evan - Well, you're sort of a sports star now. It's not so cool to be hanging ar ound with... you know, losers. Jane - Yeah, you're right. I've been spending too much time with losers. (leaves ) Evan - I'm glad you... see it my way. (Jane enters Ms. Morris' office) (at Daria's house) (Daria paces in her bedroom)

Daria - Admit it, she had a point. Who am I to criticize her when I was getting spillover perks? God, I wish she'd just quit that damn team. It's corrupting me. (knock at bedroom door) Daria - I'll get it. Jane - Yo, it's me. Daria - (opens door) Act natural. You're not hurt. Jane - What? Daria - Huh? Jane - Look, I've been thinking and... you're right. It was really screwed up of me to take a bye on that math test. I should have gone in there and failed it o n my own. Daria - They gave you the chance to cut a corner. I can't blame you for taking i t. Jane - This all happened because I was trying to prove to Ms. Morris that I'm no t a deadbeat. Daria - And that Evan guy factors in exactly how? Jane - That jerk? I can't believe you thought he was cute. Daria - Yeah. Aren't I a dope? Hey, don't you have practice now? Jane - Yeah. I quit. Daria - What? Jane - I quit. I'm afraid I might come out of high school knowing as much as Kev in. Daria - You came out of kindergarten knowing more than Kevin. Jane - Remind me of that when he gets his football scholarship. (in the school hallway) (Jane closes locker, sees crowd gathered) Jane - Um... I'll bring the spikes back tomorrow. Honest. Ms. Morris - Jane, I wish you would consider coming back to the team. (all agree) Jane - Thanks, but I stand by my decision. Ms. Morris - Jane, I wish you would consider coming back to the team. Jane - Am I missing something? Ms. Morris - The team needs you, and you need the team... if you don't want to b e here taking math again this summer.

Jane - Gee, that almost sounds like blackmail. Fortunately, I can pull up my mat h grade on my own. Ms. Morris - Then I'll flunk you. Jane - Why don't I go to Ms. Li and expose this grade-changing arrangement? Ms. Morris - She already knows. Jane - Okay, then, back off or I'll tell the P.T.A. Ms. Morris - They know, too. Jane - Congress? Ms. Morris - You're beaten, Lane. Jane - How about if I call the three local TV stations and tell each one that th e other two are running the story? Ms. Morris - Damn. (crowd leaves) Evan - I really don't get you. Jane - No. You don't. (puts on headphones) (at Daria's house) Daria - What happened to your come-and-get-it heels? Quinn - Ha-ha, Daria. I decided I shouldn't wear shoes that kill me just because they make my legs look hot. Helen - Why, Quinn, how mature. Quinn - I mean, my legs look hot no matter what I wear. They'd probably even loo k good in those things you have on. Helen - Mmm? (in gym class) Daria - I didn't think things could get any more pathetic, but obviously I was w rong. (Daria and Jane unenthusiastically do cheerleading drills) Ms. Morris - Come on, ladies. You've got a lot of work to make up. (claps) Jane - Tell me that at least I have my integrity. Daria - Integrity is a funny word. Jane - Well, then, at least tell me I'm marginally less corrupt than the jocks. Daria - You refused to participate in a crooked system where good grades are exc hanged for athletic performance. But you didn't try to reform the system, either .

Jane - For fear of complete teenage exile. Daria - Right. So the system continues, you haven't redeemed yourself, and we're ostracized anyway. Jane - Come on, now, stop trying to paint a rosy picture. Daria - You know what? Jane - What? Daria - They really are preparing us for the real world. Brittany - Daria! Jane! Come on! It's time for splits! (falls on face) Ow! (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Pierce Me Episode #212 Written by Neena Beber (opening theme song) (walking to school) Daria - We can bake cupcakes for the whole class and pretend you're really popul ar for the day. Jane - Will there be pony rides? Daria - Do you have any ideas? Jane - I just don't feel like celebrating my birthday. It's a totally artificial holiday created to stimulate the economy. Daria - Aren't birthdays the one holiday the greeting card industry didn't make up? Jane - That's what they want you to believe. Daria - Okay, okay. No party and no present. Jane - Who said no present? (at Daria's house) Helen - Great pizza, honey. Daria - Aah! Jake - Oh, my gosh! Daria! Helen! Heimlich! Daria - Relax, Dad. It's just cheese burn. Quinn - You're such a pain wimp, Daria. You know, Dad, you really should get che ese-less pizza anyway. It's much healthier.

Jake - Cheese-less pizza? What a great idea! Hey, hey, can I have that? Helen - What's this? And who opened it? Quinn - Don't worry. It's not going to happen. Helen - A mother-daughter fashion show at school? To raise money? Daria - And consciousness. Jake - (around mouthful of pizza) What a great idea! Quinn - The Fashion Club has already scheduled an emergency meeting. We'll put a stop to it. Daria - Don't want a bunch of smelly amateurs stinking up your catwalks? Quinn - Right, Daria. You can't just mix with fashion civilians when you have an image to uphold. Helen - Well, that's a relief. I mean, who wants to parade around showing off so me ridiculous outfit. Quinn - With your mother. (phone rings) Oops. (split-screen between Trent and Jake) Jake - (around mouthful of pizza) Hello? Trent - Hello. Um, can I please speak to your daughter? Jake - Just a sec... (gulps) Quinn, honey, it's for you. Quinn - Who is it, Daddy? Jake - Didn't catch his name. Quinn - I hope it's not Adam. I was going to cancel on him to go out with Simon, but then Todd called so I'm not sure, but if it's Bryce, maybe I'll go out with him instead and cancel on Simon anyway since he hasn't even asked yet. Daria - Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. (split-screen between Trent and Quinn) Quinn - Hello? Trent - Who's this? Quinn - You called me, duh. Who's this? Trent - I didn't call you. Quinn - Well, excuse me. I think he's selling something. Tell him off, mom. (split-screen between Trent and Helen) Helen - Hello? Don't you think it's a little late to be soliciting people?

Trent - Uh, sorry. I didn't think 7:00 was late, but, uh... is Daria in bed alre ady? Helen - Daria? Who are you? Trent - Um, this is Trent. Jane's brother. Helen - Daria, it's Trent. Jane's brother. Daria - (blushes) Trent, Jane's brother? For me? Helen - Yes, but he does sound a little confused. (split-screen between Trent and Daria) Daria - Um... Trent - This is Daria, right? Daria - Hold on, I need to switch phones. (to family) I'll take it upstairs, oka y? (in Daria's bedroom) Daria - (shouts) You can hang up now! I got it! Hang up! Jake - (shouts) You have the phone, kiddo! Daria - (shouts) Okay, thanks, I'll hang up myself, then. (split-screen between Trent and Daria) Daria - Hi, Trent. Sorry about that. Trent? (Jane walks into kitchen) Daria - (on phone) Trent? Trent! (Jane laves) Trent - Hey, Daria. Daria - Uh, hi. What's up? (Jane walks into kitchen) Daria - (on phone) Trent? Are you awake? (Jane leaves) Trent - I, uh, need to ask you something. Daria - Me? Trent - Yeah, you. (Jane walks into kitchen) Daria - (on phone) So...

Trent - So... Daria - (on phone) So... you wanted to ask me something? Trent - Right. Right, and, uh, yeah. That sounds excellent. See you then. Bye. ( hangs up) Jane - Who was that? Trent - What? Jane - Who were you just speaking to? Trent - What's it to you? Jane - You're acting really weird, that's all. Trent - I'm acting weirder than usual? Jane - None of your trick questions, young man. You're behaving strangely. Trent - You're the strange one. Jane - You are. Trent - You. Jane - Where are you going? Trent - Who are you? Mom? Jane - No, Mom would never ask where you're going. Trent - Exactly. (leaves) Jane - Rrrre-dial. (phone rings) Daria - Hello? Trent? Hello? Anyone there? Trent, is that you? Quinn - Daria! Daria - Ah! Quinn - Daria, the downstairs members of the household would like the cordless p hone back now, please. (in the living room) (Quinn sighs deeply) Helen - What is it, Quinn? Quinn - Nothing. Jake - You can tell us, sweetie. What's got you blue? Quinn - It's just... I'd look so good on a runway.

(in Daria's bedroom) SSW Announcer - He gave her his kidney. She gave him her heart. Transplants and romance when Sick, Sad World continues. (Daria fantasizes) Trent - Daria? Daria - Yes, Trent? Trent - Want to hear this song I wrote... for you? Daria - You wrote me a song? Trent - You're my muse, you know. Daria - Really? Trent - It's called "Silly, Little Self-Deluded Girl. Why Would a Cool Guy Like Me Ever Write a Song About You?" (phone interrupts fantasy) Quinn - (in phone) Hello? Oh, hi, Sandi. (in the living room) Quinn - (into phone) Really? That sounds cute, I guess that's cute. Yes, definit ely cute. Yeah, that would be cute, but... I'll think about it. Okay. 'Bye. (han gs up) Poor Sandi. Her mom insists on being in the fashion show. Helen - She would. She's awfully full of herself, don't you think? Quinn - We're cuter than them. Helen - Cuter than they. Quinn - Damn right. Helen - Linda is very attractive. Quinn - You're definitely cuter than Sandi's mom, Mom. Helen - This is silly. Quinn - If Sandi can be in it then everyone should be allowed to be in it. I'm v ice president of the Fashion Club. We have to win. Helen - But it's not a competitive event. Quinn - Oh, it will be. (Jake answers door, finds Trent standing there) (at Daria's house) Trent - Hey. Jake - Quinn! Your date is here!

Trent - Actually, I'm... Quinn - God, Dad, are you kidding? (leaves) Jake - Gee, I'm sorry, young man, but you know how girls can be. Just give her s ome time, son. Give her some time. Trent - Is Daria home? Jake - Daria?! Who are you? (in the living room) Jake - So, you're here to see Daria. Trent - Yeah. Helen - Daria is a very special girl, isn't she? Trent - Uh, sure. Jake - How old are you, Trent? Trent - What? Jake - Are you in school? Do you have a job? Life isn't just one free handout af ter another, you know. How many earrings in that ear? Helen - Daria has mentioned that you have some sort of band. Trent - Mystik Spiral. But we're thinking of changing the name. Daria - Um, Mom, Dad. Quinn's on the phone in the kitchen ordering a convertible . Jake - Oh, my God! (outside) Trent - I didn't mean to hang up on you before. Janey walked in and I couldn't t hink of what to say. Daria - Oh. That's okay. Trent - Daria, I... Daria - (hopeful) Yes...? Trent - I want you to help me pick out a birthday present for Jane. Daria - (deflated) Oh. Trent - Every year I end up getting her art supplies. Can you help me out? Daria - Anything for Jane. Trent - Thanks, Daria. I'll pick you up tomorrow morning. Not too early, sometim e before lunch... or after.

Daria - Um, okay. Trent - Or better yet, why don't we leave it loose? (in the kitchen) Quinn - Don't do it! (grabs coffee cup) Helen - Quinn, what is the matter with you? Quinn - Coffee, caffeine: dark circles, capisce? Fashion show, mom. Don't handic ap yourself. Helen - Quinn, I need my coffee. Quinn - "Woman Loses Fashion Show Due to Pathetic Addiction. Daughter Shamed For Life." Come on, the spa is about to open anyway. Helen - Daria? Last chance to join us for a mother-daughter day of beauty. It's very relaxing. Daria - Once you pass out from the pain. (horn honks) Quinn - Who's that? I don't have a date now. Daria - I think it's for me. (in Trent's car) Daria - I wasn't expecting you for a couple of hours. Trent - I came straight from rehearsal. We ran late, or early... whatever. So, w here should we go? Daria - Um, I was thinking... Trent - No art supplies. We decided already. Don't want to get her a CD. And I c an't set foot in a bookstore. Don't ask me why, Daria. I just don't want to talk about it. So, what are your ideas? Daria - A fuzzy little bunny? Trent - Let's just go to Dega Street. I'm sure we'll find something there. (at the spa) Quinn - I was thinking we could both wear cigarette trousers, and I'll wear a ha lter top and you could wear more the nehru jacket thing. And remember, Mom, cute is not a look, it's not an attitude, it's a way of being. Manicurist - She's a little miss chatterbox, isn't she? Quinn - We're in training. She's going to be my mother and I'm going to be her d aughter in a fashion show. Actually, she is my mother and I'm her daughter in re al life, too. Mom? Helen - (wakes up) What?

(on Dega Street) Trent - (points at guitar) Hey, Daria, what do you think? Daria - Um, wouldn't that be more for you than for Jane? Trent - That's a really good point. (Daria and Trent look in window of retro clothing store) Daria - I just don't see Jane in tie-dye. Trent - (points at outfit) You'd look good in that. Daria - (mutters) Um, oh... thanks. Trent - Hey! (points at Axl's Piercing Parlor) Daria - Body piercing? Jane? Trent - Haven't you always wanted to get pierced? Daria - No. It just seems too much like getting tortured for the sake of some su bculture's notion of beauty. (at the spa) Stylist - Now, the dryers. We'll blast heat on your heads for 20 minutes or unti l you can't take it anymore. Helen - Can't you just wrap a warm towel over my head? Stylist - I'll lower the temperature if I smell anything singeing. Helen - How about we start on medium? Quinn - Not for me. Full blast, please. Helen - Quinn! Quinn - I have really high pain tolerance for hair-care treatments. (at Axl's Piercing Parlor) Axl - Hey, Trent, just so you know, we're having a two-for-one special. Trent - Hey, that's cool, Axl. 11 bucks each. What do you say, Daria? Daria - Um... Axl - Take a look at our piercing menu. Daria - I don't think that's how you spell "uvula." Axl - That's not "uvula." Trent - I've been wanting to put a hole right here. (points at eyebrow) Daria - You can never have too many holes in your head.

Trent - Come on, Daria. Let's get the special. Daria - (reluctantly) I guess I could pierce my ears. Axl - Ah, no can do. Special's one hole, ears are two holes. Full retail price a pplies. Trent - That's too boring, anyway, Daria. You gotta do something fun. Daria - Fun? Axl - You'd look nice with a lip ring. Daria - Are you going to let him talk to me that way? Trent - I know what would be cool. Little silver hoop. (points at Daria's navel; Daria blushes) Axl - Yeah, okay. A navel ring works. It's a start, at least. Daria - (blushing furiously) I am not going to pierce my belly button. It never did anything to me. Trent - Daria, it would look really hot. (in Axl's back room) Axl - Hey, you are 18, aren't you? I should've asked. Daria - Is it a problem if I'm not? Axl - Yeah. You'll need parental permission. This establishment is licensed to s erve adults only and operates strictly according to the letter of the law. Trent - She is. Axl - Right. (bells on door ring) Axl - My apprentice is out today. I better go see who that is. Monique - Hey, Axl, it's just me. Axl - Hello, darling. Monique - Axl, I need some more of that antiseptic stuff for my nose ring. Oh, T rent! (hugs Trent) Trent - Hey, Monique. How's it going? Monique - Pretty good. Trent - How are the Harpies? Monique - I'm thinking of leaving, for real this time. Start my own band. Trent - You could do it, Monique. You've got stage presence. No kidding. Monique - I learned from the best, man.

Trent - Aw, stop it. Monique used to be in a band with me. Oh, hey, Monique, thi s is Daria. My kid sister's friend. Monique - Hey, Daria. Daria - (flatly) Hi. Trent - Daria's like the coolest high schooler I know. (at Cashman's) Quinn - That'll be good on me. That's cute for me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Possible Mom. Me. Me. (giggles) Helen - Quinn, this just isn't working. Eric - Helen? Helen - Eric! Eric - This is Jasmine, my niece. I'm buying her a birthday present. Jasmine - Hi. Helen - Hello, Jasmine. Quinn, this is Eric, from work. And Eric, Jasmine, this is Quinn. She's going to be my daughter and I'm going to be her mother in a fash ion show. Actually, she is my daughter, and I was just trying to be a good paren t... oh, my God, what have I done? Jasmine - I like that skirt, Uncle Eric. I mean... I'd like it on me. Eric - Hmm... (at Axl's Piercing Parlor) Daria - Have I mentioned that I hate pain? Axl - Now, this won't hurt. It's no worse than popping a pimple. Daria - Ahh! Axl - I haven't done anything yet. Daria - I was thinking about how much it hurts to pop a pimple. (starts shaking) Axl - I can't concentrate if you keep shaking. Trent - I'll help you through this, Daria. Here. Daria - Uh... what's that? Trent - That's my hand. Give me yours. (beat) It's pretty clean, Daria. Daria - No, I, um... sorry. (takes Trent's hand) Trent - The best thing to do is not think about it. Then it won't hurt. Daria - (stops shaking) It doesn't hurt.

Trent - Huh? Daria - What? Trent - Daria? Axl - Don't take out the ring for six months, or it'll close up and we'll have t o pierce it again. Don't get scared when the mucous starts pouring out. Put some of this antiseptic stuff on, and take 50 milligrams a day of um, some metal or other... zinc, aluminum, I forget. Daria - You did it? I'm pierced? Trent - Yup. (at school, in the girl's bathroom) Daria - (from stall) Psst! Jane - Oh, no. The toilet is talking to me again. Daria - (from stall) Psst! Lane! Jane - Talking toilet, you may call me "Jane." (Daria emerges) Oh! It's you. (Da ria shows her navel) Did I just see what I think I saw? Daria - You didn't see a weeping virgin or anything, did you? Jane - Do that again. (Daria shows her navel) I can't believe you had the nerve. Daria - Neither can I. It was Trent's idea. Jane - So you did go out with Trent. Daria - Shopping for your birthday present... oops. He wanted to surprise you. Jane - And he go me a hole in your navel. That is a surprise. Daria - I don't know how it happened, but there we were and there he was, and th ere was this two-for-one special... oh, my God, what have I done? Jane - (teasing) Oh, dear, our little girl's becoming a woman. Daria - Shut up. Jane - Don't you get it, Daria? You did something stupid for a guy. Gee, you may join the human race after all. Daria - I didn't do it for a guy. I did it so Trent could get the special. Jane - Oh, that's different. Hey, what'd you end up getting me? Daria - I can't say. Jane - I hope it's art tools. I need some new supplies. Daria - I did do it for a guy, didn't I? Jane - Oh, yeah.

Daria - It itches like hell, and I'm not showing anybody else. Jane - Just keep your shirt tucked in. No one will know. (Jodie enters) Hey, Jod ie, check out Daria's navel ring. Jodie - Really? (Daria shows her navel) That's kind of cool. Daria - It is? Jodie - Yeah. As long as you didn't just do it for some guy. Daria - Right. That would be bad. (at Daria's house, in the bathroom) Quinn - You didn't really do that! Daria - Do what? Quinn - That! Daria - Oh, this old thing? I only wear it when I don't care how my navel looks. Quinn - Mmm... I get it. You're trying to brighten your ho-hum life with a littl e illusion. I've seen those fake rings, Daria. Daria - So have I. They don't do this. (pulls on ring) They don't itch like this , either. Quinn - Mom and Dad are gonna freak! Daria - Do you think you should be upsetting mom or dad on the eve of your big c ompetition? Quinn - Uh... Daria - It'll just be our little secret... sis. (leaves) Quinn - Ugh! (in Daria's bedroom) Daria - (takes ring out) You may be fashion forward but you itch like hell. (morning; Daria can't put ring back in) (at Jane's house) Jane - What are you doing here? School's not for an hour. Daria - It's gone. Jane - What's gone? Daria - I'm not pierced anymore. It closed up. Jane - You didn't take the ring out? Daria - Just for the night. I couldn't stand the itching.

Jane - I've heard of fast healers but this is ridiculous. Daria - Gee, maybe E.T. came in my room and touched my navel while I slept. Jane - Boy, Daria, you have the weirdest sex dreams. Daria - Don't tell Trent. Jane - About E.T.? Daria - About my belly button. Jane - What does he care? Daria - Just don't say anything when he wakes up, okay? Jane - That won't happen for hours. Maybe days. Trent - (walks in) Hey, Daria. Jane - Trent? Daria - Late rehearsal? Trent - Or early. Whatever. So your piercing closed up? Daria - It was an accident. Trent - Yeah, that happens a lot. Jane - And it doesn't make you a geek. Right? Trent - Of course not. Tell you what. When you're ready we'll go down and get yo u a tattoo. They last forever. (at the school fashion show) Quinn - I love Tiffany, I really do. Stacy - She's so smushy. Quinn - But isn't there something a little strange about her... mother? (Tiffany and model walk the runway) Stacy - She told the agency she wanted the prettiest model they had. Quinn - I guess it's okay. I mean, look at Brittany. (Brittany and Ashley-Amber walk the runway) Stacy - There should've been a rule about stepmothers. Helen - Quinn? We're next. Quinn - Remember, Mom, think cute. (Quinn and Helen emerge onto runway) Confiden t, up, totally... uh-oh! (Quinn trips and they both fall; audience groans)

Quinn - (miserable) Totally humiliating. Jake - Ow! (Helen slaps camcorder out of Jake's hand) (at the Zen) Jane - You still haven't told me what present Trent came up with. Daria - Be patient. All will be revealed. (smattering of applause as Mystik Spiral warms up) Trent - Hello. We're Mystik Spiral and I want to say happy birthday to my sister , Jane. Jesse - This for you, Jane. (music begins) Trent - (singing) Little sister, little sister you came into my life like a twis ter. What can I get you that you haven't taken? What can I get you that hasn't b een killed by corruption and greed? What can I get you that isn't tie-dyed or li ke what you already have, or plastic or not alive or so sad? Trent and Jesse - (singing) Does anybody know, does anybody know why we're here? Does anybody know, does anybody know why we're here? Does anybody know, does an ybody know why we're here? Jesse - Yeah! (applause as music ends) Jane - By the way, thanks for the cool art supplies. Daria - Somebody had to do it. (at Daria's house, in the kitchen) Quinn - All that work. All that preparation. Why? Why me? Helen - Honey, it was just a little school fund-raiser. You'll have other moment s in the sun. Quinn - But none with you, Mom. Helen - Oh, that's so sweet. Quinn - Nope. None with you. No freaking way. Helen - Quinn, isn't there anything that would make you feel better? Quinn - Yes! Yes, there is. (in the living room) (Daria walks in) Jake - We want to see your belly button, young lady, and we want to see it now. Daria - What are you talking about?

Helen - Out with it! Daria - (shows her navel) Do you have a problem with innies? Helen - Quinn, what's the matter with you? Jake - Your sister's not pierced. Why would you scare us like that? Quinn - But... but it was there yesterday! Daria - Trying to brighten your ho-hum life with a little illusion? (yawns) Boy, I'm tired. Night, everybody. (heads upstairs) Quinn - She was pierced... pierced, I tell you! Oh, the humanity... (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Write Where it Hurts Episode #213 Written by Glenn Eichler (opening theme song) (at Daria's house) Jake - Hey, kiddo! Guess you're wondering what old Dad is up to with the big ste w pot. Daria - Guess again. Jake - Daria, I woke up in the middle of the night with a hankering. I suddenly remembered the old kitchen sink stew they used to serve us at the military acade my! You know why they called it that? Daria - Because they put in everything but the kitchen sink. Jake - Because they put in everything but the kitchen sink! Hmm, let's see... so up stock, peppercorns, oregano, chilies... (tastes stew, screams, staggers out o f kitchen) Helen - Why is your father...? Daria - Don't ask. Helen - Reading something? Daria - Yes. Helen - May I ask what it is? Daria - It's a book. For school. About how fiction should do more than just ente rtain. Helen - That sounds interesting.

Daria - Yeah. A writer writing a book about how writers should write books. Must have been a huge seller. (Jake screams) Helen - Well... anything else going on in school? Daria - Let's see... nobody talked to me again this week, I wasn't invited to an y parties for the weekend, and I think I'm getting one of those really painful c old sores. So all in all, another great week. Helen - Oh, Daria... Jake - (shouts) Helen! Helen! What's the number for 911?! Helen - Daria, do you have to look at everything in such a negative light? Daria - Could you possibly be referring to the harsh light of reality? Quinn - Tiffany says a cold front is coming through. Has anyone seen my really c ute fuzzy pink sweater? And if I can't find it can I buy another one? Thanks. (l eaves) Helen - Daria... Daria - Don't bother. Jake - (shouts) My tongue! Dear God, it's black! Helen! Helen - Be right there, Jake. (in Mr. O'Neill's class) Mr. O'Neill - So, what Gardner is telling us is that the writer of fiction has a duty that goes beyond the mere telling of a story. His or her job is to tell a story in such a way as to leave the reader... what, Kevin? Kevin - Screaming for more full-contact martial arts excitement? Mr. O'Neill - Daria? Daria - I believe Mr. Gardner feels it's the writer's duty to steer the reader t oward more conscientious behavior. No matter how dull that makes the story. Mr. O'Neill - (sighs) Very good, Daria. Now, keeping that in mind, I want you ea ch to select a book from the list in front of you for a report on its moral inte ntion. Yes, Kevin? Kevin - People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. I got one, babe. I got one! (Mr. O'Neill begins sobbing) (later) Daria - Excuse me. Mr. O'Neill - Yes, Daria? Daria - This list of books... I've read all of them.

Mr. O'Neill - Oh, no. Um, would you like to pick another book to read then? Daria - I guess. Mr. O'Neill - Wait, brainstorm! Instead of trying to read a story for its moral dimensions, what if you wrote a story with moral dimensions? Daria - Um... Mr. O'Neill - A special assignment, Daria just for you. Daria - I don't know. Who would I write about? What would they do? Mr. O'Neill - Well, why don't you write a story taking people you know in real l ife and turning them into fictional characters? Daria - I wonder if anyone would notice a difference. (at Jane's house) Jane - So, how's the story coming? Or does it disturb you if I talk while you're writing? Daria - It would disturb me if I were actually doing any writing. Jane - What's the problem? Take people you know and have them do whatever you wa nt. I'd make them crawl, I tell you. Crawl! Daria - Easy, tiger. Jane - Who you going to write about? Daria - I haven't a clue. Jane - Hmm... how about Kevin and Brittany? You could write a thrilling romance leading up to their storybook wedding. Daria - You need to start wearing a hat when you go out in the sun. Jane - Boy, would I like to be there when those two tie the noose. (Daria's story) Minister - And do you, Kevin, take this pulchritudinous woman to be your lawfull y wedded wife? Jane - (muffled) Kevin! Kevin - I, uh... what did you say? Minister - I said, do you, Kevin, assume legal responsibility for this overripe specimen of femalehood standing next to you? The one in white, son! Jane - Kevin! (pounds on glass) Kevin! Minister - Well?! Brittany - Answer him, Kevvy!

Kevin - Um... Jane - Kevin! Kevin - (shouts) Jane! (Kevin and Jane run from church) Minister - Ah... Brittany. Please accept my condolences on the unfortunate way t he biggest day of your life has turned out. Brittany - Yes! (tosses bouquet away) (Kevin and Jane board bus) (story ends) Jane - Daria? Daria! What about their wedding? Wouldn't that be funny to write a bout? Daria - What? Uh... no. I don't know. (crumples story and tosses it aside) Jane - Okay... Daria - I mean, if I were going to write about mating rituals, I think I'd go ba ck a couple hundred years, when women either married or shriveled up and blew aw ay. Jane - Instead of marrying and then shriveling up, like they do now? (Daria's story) (birds chirping) Miss Quinn - Mr. Lane left his card yesterday. Mother said he appeared most anxi ous to call upon you. Miss Morgendorffer - I cannot imagine what for. Mr. Lane's temperament, outlook, indeed, his very manners are such as to arouse bemusement rather than endearmen t in the object of his attentions. Miss Quinn - Huh? Miss Morgendorffer - He's flaky. Miss Quinn - Flaky though he may be, one day, all of Devonheavenshire will be hi s -- his to share with whosoever is lucky enough to become Lady Lane. Miss Morgendorffer - Dear sister, I would hope that whoever does become lady lan e does so out of regard for Mr. Lane and not for his estate. Miss Quinn - What about his car? Miss Morgendorffer - Hmm... Miss Quinn - But look! Here approaches Mr. Lane himself, along with his sister's admirer, Mr. Moreno. (Mr. Lane and Mr. Moreno approach on horseback)

Mr. Lane - Good morning, Miss Morgendorffer, Miss Quinn. I pray the day finds yo u well. Mr. Moreno - Yeah. Miss Morgendorffer - And a good morning to you, sirs. Mr. Lane - Indeed, it promises to be a glorious morning, and one to gladden the stoniest of hearts. Mr. Moreno - Yeah. Miss Morgendorffer - Let us hope so, indeed, for nothing so recommends this worl d as the promise with which it offers up each gentle day. Miss Quinn - And, pray, upon this dewy morning, what errand is it that finds you guys abroad? Mr. Lane - Errand we have none. But with any luck, we shall have sport. We await the other members of our hunting party, and I believe I glimpse them now. (Joey, Jeffy and Jamie approach on horseback and greet them) Miss Quinn - Good day. Joey - Miss Quinn, may I get you a bracing spot of tea? Jeffy - Do you need a powder, to cure the vapors? Jamie - I'll tune your pianoforte. Miss Morgendorffer - Oh, Quinn, your suitors are so numerous because you are so fair and good. Miss Quinn - Oh, sister, your wit and judgment assure that you will marry not on ly well, but wisely. (Miss Quinn and Miss Morgendorffer embrace) Mr. Lane - Did she say "marry"? Mr. Moreno - Yeah. (guys turn horses around and gallop away) Miss Quinn - Oh, well. (Miss Quinn and Miss Morgendorffer embrace again) (story ends) (Daria crumples story and tosses it aside) Daria - I really suck at this. (at Daria's house) Helen - (into phone) No. No, absolutely not. That is unacceptable. (hangs up) Oh , my God, what has your father done now? Jake! (to Daria) Daria?

Daria - Huh? Helen - Is something wrong? Daria - Wrong? Uh, no. I'm thinking about an assignment I got in school. Helen - Anything I can help with? Daria - No. (sighs) I'm supposed to write a story using people I know as fiction al characters. Helen - Really? That sounds fascinating. Daria - Not so far. Everything I write comes out bad. I have no story. Helen - Oh, I'm sure... (phone rings) Hang on a second, Daria. (answers phone) H ellooo. No, that's not a counteroffer, it's an insult. I will talk to you tomorr ow during office hours. Good-bye! (hangs up) Okay, now, what are the other stude nts writing? Daria - They're not. This is an extra assignment just for me. Helen - Ooh! Daria - A punishment for being smart. Helen - Now, come on, Daria, I'm sure you'll do a great job if you just put your mind to it. Daria - You are very, very wrong. Helen - Sure you will. All you... (phone rings) Yes?! Tomorrow! During office ho urs. (hangs up) All you have to do is get off your toches and do it! When Quinn has a challenge... Daria - Quinn? All her challenges involve coordinating her shoes with the color of her date's eyes. Helen - Daria, what I mean is... Daria - How can you talk to me about Quinn? She'll never have this kind of probl em. It involves thinking. You make me tell you what's wrong, in between calls, a nd then you bring up Quinn? Don't you know me at all? (leaves) Helen - Good one, Morgendorffer. (phone rings) Damn! (throws phone at tree) (Daria's story) Jake - Man, what a good day to just kick back and chill. Helen - You got that right. Quinn - Can't stop to talk. A big party at Stacy's in four hours. Gotta dress. Helen - Quinn, don't you think you've taken this popularity thing too far? Quinn - Huh? Jake - This well-liked teen crap. Don't you have any depth at all?

Helen - Why can't you be more like Daria? Jake - Oh, hey, Daria. Daria - Um, do you want to talk to Quinn alone? Helen - No, sweetie. As a matter of fact, we were just telling her how we wish s he'd be more like you. Jake - Again. Daria - Well, not everyone can have the same... Quinn - Don't you think I want to be more like Daria? Don't you think I would if I could? God, Mom and Dad, why won't you accept it? I'll never be like Daria. T hat's my curse... and my burden. I know it's not your fault, but look what your perfection has done to me. (runs off sobbing) Daria - Shouldn't we comfort her or something? Jake - (laughs) Oh, let her go. Helen - She'll get over it. Daria - We should at least tell her about that eight-lane highway they built out side the house during the night. Jake - Hmm... you may be right. (cars collide outside) Helen - That can't be good. (more cars collide) Quinn - Ow! God! (story ends) Daria - Another masterpiece. (walking to school) Daria - So it turns out that my life up to now has been a sham. I can't write. I can't produce a simple story. Jane - Wow, Daria. I never figured you for a lack of imagination. Daria - I have imagination. I can come up with all sorts of ideas, but none of t hem feels true. Jane - Well, what's your definition of "true"? Daria - Something that says something. Jane - What? Anything? Daria - No, something. About something. Jane - Let me get this straight: you're telling me you want to write something,

not just anything, that says something about something. Daria - Right. Jane - Gee. Who'd ever believe you're having trouble communicating. (at Daria's house) (Helen knocks on bedroom door) Daria - Whom shall I say is calling? Helen - Daria, is there anything you want to talk about? Daria - No, thank you. Helen - Are you sure, sweetie? Daria - I need some time alone to work out my feelings. Helen - Daria! Daria - Or do a crossword. Helen - Daria... Jake - (shouts) Gah, Helen! My stew... the stove's on fire! Helen - Oh, for the love of... (Daria's story) (Jake, on horseback, gallops to hill) Jake - Unholy mother, sister of Satan, tell me what you see in your filthy brew. Say what the mists of time hold for me. Helen - Have you my payment? The tender liver of a newborn babe. Jake - I, um, was in a rush. Will you take a check? Helen - A check?! Have you two forms of I.D.? Jake - Tell me you can bring me power! Power to crush my enemies, to triumph ove r all! Helen - Yes, I can bring you this power. But why should men get all the good job s? (thunder crashes) Helen - Tell me you can bring me power! Power to crush my enemies, to triumph ov er all! Jake - I can't wait to taste this stew! Helen - For I swear by the unholy imp that spawned you, I will rule the land. Jake - But what do I get to rule?

(thunder crashes) Helen - Silence, toothless hag! Jake - You don't have to get personal. (story ends) (in Mr. O'Neill's classroom) Daria - Um... Mr. O'Neill - Daria! How's the special assignment going? Daria - Um, that's what I want to talk to you about. I'd like not to do it. Mr. O'Neill - Oh, no. What's the matter, Daria? You haven't been able to write a nything? Daria - No, I've written a lot of stuff, but it's not up to my standards. And th at disturbs me, because I don't have standards. Mr. O'Neill - What's wrong? Daria - It's this idea of using people I know as characters. I think I might be better off with a bunch of characters I just made up. Mr. O'Neill - But that's the challenge of the fiction writer, Daria. To take wha t we learn in real life and turn it into something that's not really real, but h as a real life all its own. Daria - Well, that sounds great in theory... I think. But I can't figure out wha t my characters should be doing. Mr. O'Neill - Okay. That's not a problem. We'll alter the assignment slightly. S ometimes boundaries can paradoxically provide us with freedom. We'll say it shou ld include an activity of some kind. Let's see... a forest fire? No, that could end in tragedy. Some kind of orthoscopic surgery? No, that can get messy. I know , a game of cards! Daria - A game of cards? Mr. O'Neill - Sure, and it can be any card game you want! Daria - Gee, thanks. That'll really help. Mr. O'Neill - Glad to hear it. Have fun. (Daria's story) (Mack, on horseback, gallops to hill) Mack - Unholy mother, sister of Satan, tell me what you see in your filthy brew. Tell me what the mists of time hold for me. Jodie - Have you my payment? The tender liver of a newborn babe? Mack - I'm a little short on livers. Tell you what: play you a quick game of fiv e-card stud for it.

Jodie - Jacks are wild. (story ends) (at Daria's house) Helen - Daria? Daria, the TV's not on. Daria - Shh! I'm watching this. Helen - Daria, I'm sorry about not being more sensitive earlier. Daria - Doesn't comparing one sibling to another get you an automatic "F" in Par enting 101? Helen - There is no Parenting 101. That's the problem. There's no course that ca n teach you to be a perfect mother. Daria - That's obvious. Helen - Daria, I apologized for not helping you before. I'm offering to help you now. What do you want to do? Daria - (long pause) My story sucks. Helen - Well, honey, I'm sure if you just give it another day or two... Daria - Everything I do has already been done. I wanted to write something meani ngful. I can't write anything at all. Helen - Maybe you're trying too hard. Maybe you don't have to write something me aningful, just something honest. Daria - I can do honest. I look around me, I describe what I see. Helen - How about describing what you'd like to see, honestly? Daria - What do you mean? Helen - Daria, the easiest thing in the world for you is being honest about what you observe. Daria - And... Helen - What's hard for you is being honest about your wishes. About the way you think things should be, not the way they are. You gloss over it with a cynical joke and nobody finds out what you really believe in. Daria - Aha! So my evil plan is working. Helen - If you really want to be honest, be truthful about what you'd like to ha ppen. There's a challenge. Daria - When the hell did you learn so much about me? Helen - It's a funny thing, Daria. You give birth to someone, you just get an ur ge to keep tabs on them. (Daria's story)

Helen - Oh, hi, sweetie. Daria - How are you, Mom? Helen - Pretty good. You know, every morning it's a little harder to get out of bed. Daria - For me, too. (both laugh) Helen - Your father, on the other hand, seems to be getting younger every day. E ver since he retired he's developed such a wonderful perspective. Daria - Well, triple bypass surgery will do that for a man. Helen - How's Marcello? Daria - Oh, fighting the same old curriculum battles against the rest of the fac ulty. And each fall there's a new batch of freshmen to potty-train. Helen - I enjoyed your column this week. Daria - We're preaching to the converted. I get outraged, the readers get outrag ed, and nothing happens. Sometimes I think I should have gone into television. Helen - (laughs) You in television, Daria? Daria - I know. Who am I kidding? Helen - Has there been any further discussion about expanding your little family ? Daria - Mom... you know I'm not ready for kids. The whole idea makes me uneasy a nd I'm not sure why. (Quinn enters with children) Girl - Give me that! Boy - No, it's mine! Girl - Mommy! Daria - Oh, yeah. Now I remember. Quinn - Hi. You know where Grandma's TV is. Go watch something educational. (kid s scamper into living room) Boy, I'm exhausted. SSW Announcer - Breast implants for chickens... Quinn and Daria - Not that! Helen - How are you, Quinn? Quinn - Oh, you know, another day, another baby. (all three chuckle) Quinn - I swear, one of these days I'm going to slip something into Jamie's beer

and, while he's unconscious, I'm going to go out and get my tubes tied. Daria - Better yet, his tubes. (all three laugh) Quinn - How's Dad? And what's he want? Jake - I'm great. Goo-goo. (baby starts crying) Jake - Sorry. You know, girls, I was going over my will... Daria - Not again. Quinn - Daddy, why are you so morbid? Helen - That's exactly what I asked him. Jake - But I like going over my will. It's got all that money! Daria - Dad, you revised your will two weeks ago when you discovered your old gu m wrapper chain in the attic. Jake - The kids are going to love that. Anyway, who said anything about revising my will? Daria - So, what are we doing here? Jake - Well, I was reading my will, thinking about the past and the future, and it occurred to me that you girls have turned out exactly the way I hoped. Daria - Come on. Jake - Daria, every week you write that column of yours, trying to wake people u p to the truth. My daughter, the crusader. Daria - Well, there is some pleasure in winning awards for saying the same thing s that made me an outcast in high school. Jake - And Quinn, you've taken all that energy and enthusiasm you used to direct toward being, um, a teensy bit self-absorbed... Quinn - Oh, daddy, I was a stuck-up little nightmare. Jake - ... and put it all into bringing up those kids. Helen - And that's no easy task. Believe me, I know. Jake - How come you never complain about those little monsters of yours, Quinn? Quinn - Um, I like them, Daddy. Daria - I'm still not clear on what all this is about. Jake - Well, I was having so much fun reminiscing I thought, hey! (coughing) Why don't we get together for a family card game just like we used to? Helen - Family card game?

Daria - We never played a family card game in our lives. Quinn - Daria's right. Jake - Oh, do I hear that. I remember asking my father to play "go fish"...! (sl ams fists on table) Quinn - Triple bypass, Dad! Jake - Okay, I'm all right. Anyway, so screw it, then, we never played a family card game. Let's play one now! Bridge? Quinn - Gin. Helen - Hearts. Quinn - Done. Jake - Okay. I'm going to play a game of hearts with my beautiful wife and my tw o great kids. Helen - Oh, Jake. Jake - How about it, Daria? Hearts? Daria - (pause) Deal me in. (story ends) Daria - It's not very good, is it? Helen - (tearfully) Oh, Daria... Daria - It wasn't that bad. (Helen sobs and embraces Daria) Daria - Stop, stop! This isn't a story, it's real life! (walking to school) Jane - Wow, so your story made your mother cry? Daria - Out of happiness. That's the sick part. Jane - And run the reason by me again. Daria - She took it as evidence that I'm secretly not as alienated as I seem or something. It'll take me years to undo the damage. Jane - So you going to show it to O'Neill? Daria - I have no choice. But if he cries, too, I'm dropping out of school. Jane - Wow. Well, listen, now that you've got such a great attitude and everythi ng, can I have your boots? Daria - Yeah. Turn around and I'll give you one right now.

Jane - Daria, do you think... someday... I can read your story? Daria - No. But you can read the one where you run away with Kevin. Jane - What?! (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Through A Lens Darkly Episode #301 Written by Glenn Eichler (opening theme song) (a red SUV is slowly driving down the road, occasionally lurching to a stop; ins ide, Helen is in the passenger seat, with Daria behind the wheel) Helen - All right, Daria, don't start your turn till your front wheels are past the corner. That's it. Now, accelerate as you start to straighten... good. Watch out for the dog. Watch out, Daria! (tires squeal as Daria slams on the brakes, throwing them both forward into thei r shoulder belts) Daria - (frantic) Oh, my God, did I kill him? I never even saw him! I'm a dog ki ller! Helen - Look, honey. (dog barks and runs off) Daria - (calmer) God, that was close. Helen - No harm done. Daria - I couldn't live with myself if I hit a dog. Would you mind telling Quinn I killed him? (Helen is slammed back into the seat as the car lurches forward) Helen - Didn't you see him? He came running right up on your side of the car. Daria - I don't see way off to the side too well. My glasses sort of block the v iew. Helen - I didn't know that. Isn't that a problem? Daria - It is for dogs. (in Daria's bedroom) (Daria is sitting on the bed, watching television) SSW Announcer - When he turned up his nose at accordion lessons, they cut off hi s inheritance malto allegro. "The Severed Pianist," next on Sick, Sad World.

(knocking) Daria - Enter. (Helen enters the room) Helen - Daria? Daria - Correct. Helen - You know, I was thinking about your peripheral vision. Daria - That's really strange. I was thinking about your high-frequency hearing. Helen - How would you feel about trying contact lenses? Daria - Poorly. Helen - Why? (sits on bed) Daria - Because there's nothing wrong with wearing glasses. Helen - But what about that dog today? Daria - Exactly. If he'd had his glasses on he would have seen the damn car and we wouldn't be having this conversation. Helen - Daria, I just think that your field of vision could really be enhanced.. . Daria - Come on, Mom. It's not my field of vision you want to enhance. Helen - What do you mean? Daria - We've had this conversation before. You think if I get contacts I'll sud denly turn into the homecoming queen. Helen - Daria, give me some credit. You can still wear your glasses. Nobody's go ing to take them away from you. Daria - But...? Helen - But contacts are better for some things, like driving or sports. Daria - You mean I'll finally make the wrestling team? Helen - (exasperated) Daria, you can't possibly have some ethical issue with wea ring contacts. Daria - How about thinking people should accept me for who I am without my havin g to change? Helen - Right! They should accept you for who you are: a complex and interesting young lady worth knowing, instead of seeing your glasses and jumping to some mo ronic conclusion based on ridiculous stereotypes and their own ignorance. Daria - Mmm, good one. (in Jane's bedroom)

(Jane is painting while munching on a tube of cookie dough; Daria is lounging on the bed, reading a book) Daria - I almost killed a dog yesterday. Jane - Gonna work your way up to humans slowly? Daria - During my driving lesson. Now my mother's bugging me about contacts agai n. Jane - Boy, she just doesn't get it, does she? Daria - Nope, she really doesn't. (pause) Get what? Jane - You! The whole Daria Morgendorffer persona. You don't care what people th ink about your looks. Daria - Of course not. Jane - The glasses are you. They're symbolic of the whole Daria thing. (imitates Daria) "I wear glasses and I'm not going to apologize for it." (takes a bite of cookie dough) Daria - Yeah... exactly. Of course, you don't wear glasses, so from your point o f view, it's all theoretical. Jane - (around mouthful of cookie dough) What? Daria - Pass the cookie dough. (in Quinn's bedroom) (Quinn is in front of her mirrors, comparing different scarves) Quinn - Caramel... plum... of course, black is always good... (knock at door) Quinn - Come in! (Daria enters the room) Quinn - Daria? What are you doing here? Daria - Nothing. Just passing by. Saw your light on. Quinn - What are you talking about? Daria - Uh, Quinn, could I ask... Quinn - Yes? A question? A favor? Daria - Could I ask your opinion on something? Quinn - (whirls around, suspicious) What? Is this a trick? What's the catch? Why don't you ask your friend Jane? Daria - Jane can't help me. I need to speak to someone more attuned to matters o f... appearance.

Quinn - ("can't believe what she's hearing") You're asking my advice, aren't you ? Daria - Quinn, please, this is hard enough. Quinn - I always knew this day would come and wondered how it would be. Yet, now that it has, I feel strangely... serene. Sit down, Daria. I can help you. Daria - Who said I need help? (sits on bed) Quinn - Daria, if we're to make any progress at all you must be absolutely hones t with me. Now, when did you first begin to suspect that your outfit sucked? Daria - It's not my outfit. Quinn - Okay, when did your "friend" first begin to suspect that your outfit suc ked? Daria - Suppose you were well known for not caring what other people think of yo u, and then suddenly you did something that showed maybe you do care a little ab out what other people think of you. Would that invalidate everything you'd done and said up till then and make you a hypocrite? Quinn - Daria, you're giving me a headache! Daria - What would you think if I got contacts? Quinn - Contacts? Great! But what color were you thinking? Because clear ones do n't call attention to themselves so much, which maybe you want. But then, who co uld resist being able to change their eye color at will... Daria - Wait a minute! I-Quinn - Blue goes with just about any outfit, but green adds that touch of exoti ca that many young women crave... Daria - Hang on, all I asked was-Quinn - Then, of course, you'll want to change your hair to frame your new face, a decision unto itself -- and obviously a new wardrobe. Daria - Aaah! (runs out of room as fast as she can) Quinn - Daria, wait! I know you're scared. We'll start slow with some scrunchies . (chases after her) (in the Morgendorffer dining room) (Daria is eating cereal and Jake is engrossed in the newspaper as Helen enters t he room, holding a piece of paper) Helen - Oh, that sister of mine. She's as twisted as a corkscrew. Jake - Mmm. Daria - Damn siblings. Helen - Honestly, I think the only reason she ever gets in touch at all is so th at she can get under my skin.

Jake - Mmm. Daria - Damn subdermal irritants. Helen - I mean, listen to this note she sent when she was in Hawaii: "Dear sis, you'd love island life. Beautiful sun, wonderful people, umbrella drinks up the kahanalea. Only thing is, you'd have to take a vacation. Oh well, sorry I brough t it up. My love to all, Amy." God, isn't that annoying? Jake - Mmm. Daria - Damn subtle barbs. Helen - Look at this picture of her smiling by the pool. Like she can even see t he camera without her glasses. (leaves the room) Daria - Aunt Amy? (gets up from table) Jake - Mmm. (at Aunt Amy's place) (Amy's phone rings and she picks it up; split-screen between her and Daria) Amy - Hello? Daria - Aunt Amy? Amy - Hey, my favorite niece. Daria - Oh! Amy - Who is this? Daria - Um, it's... Amy - I'm joking, Daria. How are you? Your mother hasn't had a stroke, has she? Daria - Well, I haven't checked her in the last half hour. How was Hawaii? Amy - Wish I were still there. What can I do for you? Daria - Um, I wanted to ask your advice about something. I'm thinking about gett ing contact lenses. Amy - Uh-huh, sounds good. Daria - It does? Amy - Why not? Daria - Well, isn't it kind of... vain? Amy - Do you have mirrors in your house, Daria? Daria - Yeah. Amy - Do you look in them before you go out? Daria - Yeah.

Amy - Well, then, you're already going to hell, so you might as well get the len ses; you'll see the brimstone better. Daria - What do you mean? Amy - I mean, having contacts is no more vain than primping in the mirror. It ju st gives you different options about the way you look. It wouldn't change your p ersonality, it wouldn't change your values, and it would set your parents back a couple hundred bucks. So, I don't see any downside at all. Daria - Thanks, Aunt Amy. Amy - I'd love to see how it turns out. Send me a picture, okay? Daria - You want a picture of me with my contacts? Amy - Either that or a shot of Ralph Fiennes. Whichever. (Daria does one of her half-smiles at that) (in the Morgendorffer living room) (Daria is reading on the couch as Helen enters the room) Helen - Daria? Daria - Hmm? Helen - I just want you to know that I was thinking about our conversation the o ther day, and I don't want you to believe for a second that I think you need con tact lenses. You're beautiful inside and out, no matter what, and I understand a nd respect your objection to contacts, and there'll be no more discussions about it. Okay? Daria - (sighs) All right, you talked me into it. Helen - I did? Daria - Mom, that reverse psychology of yours is killer. (at the Lawndale Medical Arts Partners building) (Daria is seated behind one of those big-ass eye gizmos as an ophthalmologist ex amines her eyes) Doctor - So let's see, there's really nothing to worry about other than a slight risk of epithelial edema, possible concern over bulbar hyperemia, the outside c hance of keratoconus and polymegethism, and the usual tiresome worries about gia nt papillary conjunctivitis. Daria - Um, is there any chance my eyes won't fall out? Doctor - There's no reason to expect any complications whatsoever if you wear yo ur lenses according to instructions and take care of them properly. (lifts machi ne away from her face) Daria - So if anything does go wrong, it's my fault? Doctor - That'll be our position. Now, show me once again how you put the lens i

n. (Daria sits at a table with contact lenses and eyewash; she preps the lens, then raises the lens to her eye with a shaky finger) Doctor - That's it. Right up against the eyeball. (Daria's scream as the lens hits her eye can be heard from the Moon) (at Jane's house) (a very sleepy Jane opens the door to reveal Daria, sans glasses) Daria - Ready? Jane - Mmm. Daria - Okay then, time to go. Jane - Mmm. Daria - You're not really much of a morning person, are you? Jane - (peers closely at Daria) Where are your glasses? Daria - I'm not wearing them. Jane - Huh? Daria - I got contacts. Jane - Hmm. Daria - I hope this isn't going to change your opinion of me. I hope you don't t hink I've changed or compromised or become a shallow person who only cares about their looks. Because it would really bother me if you thought that. Jane - No, I don't think anything like that. Daria - Good. Jane - (peers at her again) Where are your glasses? (Daria rolls her eyes, knowing that this is going to take a while) (at school) (Daria and a now-awake Jane are walking down the hallway) Daria - Okay, so now that you're more or less awake, are you ready to tell me I' ve sold out? Jane - You look pretty cool. Daria - Oh, yeah? Then what did I look like before? Jane - Hey, glasses, no glasses, either way works for me. Daria - And you call yourself a friend. (enters classroom)

(in Mr. O'Neill's class) Mr. O'Neill - Now, when he shed his regal vestments and began dressing as if he had no money, a very funny thing happened to the prince. What was that? Kevin? Kevin - He became the poor guy formerly known as the prince? Mr. O'Neill - Kevin, I must say I'm mystified by your continuing inability to ab sorb anything from this class. Kevin - Um, is that bad? Mr. O'Neill - I'm sorry to speak so harshly, Kevin, but I wouldn't do so if I di dn't think you had the inner strength to hear and to heed. Kevin - Thanks! Mr. O'Neill - Brittany, how does the prince change in this story? Brittany - He, um, he doesn't turn into a frog, does he? Mr. O'Neill - (groans) Da... (looks right at Daria, but dosn't recognize her wit hout her glasses) Oh, I wish Daria were here. Daria - I'm here. Mr. O'Neill - Daria, is that you? What happened to your glasses? Daria - Um, I'm wearing contact lenses. Mr. O'Neill - Good for you, Daria! What a positive gesture! You're taking comman d of your appearance and empowering yourself to carve your own identity. Daria - Actually, I'm not sure that I want an identity based on appearance. Mr. O'Neill - Of course not. The inner you, that's what's important. I just mean t that a revised outer you is an even more confident manifestation of the unchan ged inner you... the real you... the you-ness inside. Daria - I got them for driving. Mr. O'Neill - Excellent! So... why are you wearing them now? (Ms. Li barges into the room) Ms. Li - Class, I have some extremely disturbing news. Someone has apparently pi lfered the school's fingerprinting kit. (notices Daria's lack of glasses) Ms. Mo rgendorffer? Daria - It wasn't me. I much prefer fiber spectroanalysis. Ms. Li - Did you get contact lenses? Daria - Um, yes. Ms. Li - Well done! Daria - Excuse me? Ms. Li - You're inviting your fellow students to get to know you a little better

. You're dropping that standoffish persona. Kudos! Daria - I got them for driving. Ms. Li - Ah. So why are you wearing them now? (Daria rolls her eyes in irritation) (in the school hallway) Kevin - I'm really psyched, babe. All that bench-pressing is paying off. Brittany - Huh? Kevin - Tone, babe. You heard what Mr. O said about seeing my inner strength. Brittany - Um, babe, he was trying to say you're not getting any smarter. Kevin - Oh... well, am I supposed to? Brittany - Yeah, that's what school's for. (pauses at Kevin's confusion) From a teacher's point of view. Kevin - Oh! (at the other end of the hall, Daria and Jane are walking to their next class; D aria keeps rubbing her eyes) Daria - Do you think contacts reveal the you-ness inside? Jane - I don't know. Who's Eunice and why doesn't she get her own body? Daria - Whoever she is, she must be very sad. I can't stop tearing up. (they eventually run into Kevin and Brittany) Brittany - Daria, I like your new look. Daria - Um, thanks. Kevin - Yeah, you're, like, practically normal. Daria - Kevin, how come you always know just what to say? Kevin - It's a gift. But why did you get contact lenses? Daria - I wanted to fit in better. Kevin - Cool! Daria - I was afraid my glasses were making me too smart. Kevin - Really? (mental gears start to turn, albeit very slowly) (in the girl's bathroom) (Daria is examining her eyes, which are now extremely bloodshot due to irritatio n from the lenses) Jane - Yo, what's going on?

Daria - These contacts are itching the hell out of me. I've got to take them out , but I don't have my glasses. Jane - Well, there's only two periods left. Can you hold out? Daria - Guess I have to. (walking home from school) (Jane is guiding Daria down the street, as Daria isn't wearing her lenses or her glasses) Jane - Big crack in the sidewalk coming up. You'll want to watch that. Look out for that branch. There's some kids coming. Never mind, they turned the corner. (horn honks) Daria - Who's that? Jane - It's Trent. (Daria's face immediately turns beet red) Trent - Hey, Daria. Looks good. (drives away) Jane - Now, watch out for the girl with the red face who's forgotten how to walk . Oh, never mind. That's you. (Daria frowns at Jane) (in Daria's bedroom) (Daria is having a nightmare: she's in a carnival house of mirrors, her face dis torted in every reflection; she takes off her glasses, and her face suddenly app ears normal; she's relieved, until her reflections suddenly turn hideously ugly and deformed; that's when she wakes up, gasping) (still in her nightclothes, Daria stumbles into the bathroom; she tries putting in one of her contact lenses) Daria - Ow! (groans; her eyes are still too irritated) No contacts today. (she then puts her glasses on, frowns at her reflection, then takes them off aga in) Daria - No glasses, either. (at Jane's house) (Jane opens the door; Daria is there, sans glasses) Jane - Hey, the contacts are back, huh? Your eyes must be feeling better. Daria - Um, yeah, better. But, um... I'm still a little blurry. (that's an understatement; from her POV, Jane's image is very blurry and unfocus ed) (at school)

(Daria and Jane are walking down the hall to their next class, when Daria sudden ly bumps into Andrea) Andrea - Hey! Daria - Sorry. (Daria then bumps into Upchuck) Upchuck - Ow! Daria - Oh, uh, sorry, Upchuck. Upchuck - Sweet Daria, you don't have to resort to a ruse to get into my persona l space. All you need do is ask. Daria - (frowns) Your personal space is the final frontier, Upchuck. One where I intend never to boldly go. (walks away) Upchuck - You'll be back. They all come back. Jane - Name two. (walks away) Upchuck - I could! (in the cafeteria) (Daria stops short as she almost collides with another student) Jane - Food-laden student at three o'clock. (sits down at a table across from Da ria) Boy, you weren't kidding about still being blurry. You're walking into more people than you're walking by. Daria - I'm sure my vision will clear up soon. Jane - Well, if it doesn't work out you can go out for football. Daria - Funny. Jane - Hey, now's your chance to sign up. (Kevin walks up to the table; he's wearing a pair of glasses) Kevin - Hey, Daria, Jane. Notice anything different? Daria - He's wearing glasses, right? Jane - Why, yes, he's wearing glasses. Although, ironically, he doesn't need the m. What's going on? Kevin - Well, I got to thinking about what you said about glasses making you sma rt, Daria. And hey, you may not believe this, but I could stand to be a little s marter, so I got some. Daria - You, a little smarter? Not possible. Kevin - No, no, no. That's what I thought, too. But believe me, it is. You know, I don't want to be a brain or anything. I like having friends. So I got a pair without any lenses. See? (twirls glasses on his finger, which is poking through

the empty lens) So now I'll be smart but not too smart. Daria - Um, I'm not sure if it'll work without any lenses. Kevin - Really? Jane - Yeah. Why don't you try one lens and see how that goes? Kevin - Great idea! Thanks. Brittany - Oh, Mr. Einsteen! Kevin - Brit really loves them. Gotta go. (walks away) (Jane waves hand in front of Daria's face) Daria - I can see that, funny gal. Jane - (holds up two fingers) How many fingers? Daria - I've got one for you. Jane - You're not wearing your contacts at all. Daria - Not if you want to get technical about it. Jane - Okay, I get that they were irritating you so you thought you'd give them a rest. Daria - Yeah. Jane - But why no glasses? Daria - Um, sheer vanity? Jane - Yes, yes, very witty. Now, really. (sees look on Daria's face) Daria! Daria - (buries face in hands) You hate me. Jane - This is great! You want to borrow my lipstick? Daria - Aaah! (gets up and runs out) Jane - Hey, come on, Daria, wait! (Daria bumps into Kevin) Kevin - Ow! Daria - Sorry. (in the girl's bathroom) (Jane walks into the bathroom; she glances at each stall to see if anyone's ther e) Jane - Daria? (pause) Daria. (pause) Talking toilet? (sees Daria's boots in the last stall) Daria's boots, can you tell me where Daria is? (the boots rise up ou t of view as Daria stands on the toilet) Come on, Daria, what's the matter?

Daria - I'm a hypocrite and a phony. That's what's the matter. Jane - What are you talking about? Daria - (puts feet back on floor) You don't have to pretend. You said it yoursel f. The glasses are me, uncompromising and unconceited. Well, not anymore. Jane - For God's sake, Daria, who told you you had to be a martyr to principle? You're a teenage girl, not Nelson Mandela. Daria - He wears glasses. (Jodie enters) Jodie - What's going on? Jane - Oh, it's Daria. She couldn't get her contacts in today and she didn't wan t to wear her glasses, so she's stumbling around and bumping into stuff. Jodie - Are you okay, Daria? Daria - No. Jodie - What'd she hurt? Jane - Her pride. Daria - Thanks for respecting my confidence. Jane - Hey, Jodie knows what it's like. Jodie - What what's like? Jane - To have standards too high to live up to. Jodie - Don't tell me she's mad at herself for caring how she looks? Jane - See? Daria - No, actually, I can't see. Jodie - Daria, what's wrong with admitting to a little vanity? You're not Mother Teresa, you know. Daria - She wore glasses. Jane - No, she gave them to an orphan. (Brittany enters) Brittany - Hey, what's going on? Jane - Nothing. Jodie - Everything's fine. Brittany - So why are you talking to the stall? (sees Daria's boots) Oh. Hi, Dar ia. Daria - Hi, Brittany.

Brittany - Is she locked in or something? Jane - She's feeling a little alienated today. Brittany - Alienated? Why, Daria? It's not like you're E.T. or somebody. Jane - Did he wear glasses? Brittany - By the way, Daria, I just want you to know I think it's really brave of you to get those contact lenses and admit that you care about the way you loo k, even just a little. Because knowing that a brain can be worried about her loo ks makes me feel, um, I don't know, not so shallow or something. Like we're not that different, just human, or whatever. (after a moment, Daria emerges from the stall) Daria - Well, thank you, Brittany. You're right. We are just human or whatever. (bumps into door and groans as she leaves) Jodie - That was really nice, Brittany. Brittany - It was? Jane - I gotta admit, that was the right thing to say. Brittany - Wow! (puts on cheap glasses with pink frames) These things really do work! (at the pizza place) (Daria and Jane are at their usual booth, sharing a pizza) Jane - So now what, eagle eye? Daria - Well, I can't wear my contacts until I see the doctor again, that's for sure. And if I bang into anyone else at school I'll be arrested for assault. So I guess it's back to the glasses tomorrow. Jane - Or we go downtown and apply for a seeing eye dog. Daria - I tell you the truth, this whole thing's got me very confused. I want my glasses back. Jane - Are you still hung up on that vanity thing? Daria - That's not it. Everyone already knows I'm vain. Jane - Oh, yeah, you're one huge narcissist. So if not that, then what? Daria - This is kind of hard to explain. It's like, I know my glasses set me apa rt. When I look in the mirror without them I can't see a thing. But when I put t hem on and look in the mirror again, I think... Jane - Yeah? Daria - I think to myself, "Never mind glasses. You can see things that other pe ople can't. You can see better than other people. So to hell with them and what they think of you and your glasses."

Jane - You're not talking about eyesight anymore, are you? Daria - No. Jane - And you like that Daria better than the Daria who cares about her looks. Daria - Um, yeah. Jane - I don't blame you. Why settle for vanity when you can have pure egotism? You're a twisted little cruller, ain't you? Daria - Yeah. Jane - That's why I'm proud to be your friend. (Daria and Jane tap their soda cups together in salute) (later, Daria and Jane are walking home) Jane - So, no more contacts. Your mother's gonna be disappointed. Daria - Well, I have all afternoon to figure out how to break it to her. (naturally, fate chooses that moment to have Helen pull up next to the girls in her SUV) Helen - Hi, girls. Jane - Hi, Mrs. Morgendorffer. Daria - Hi. Helen - Daria, my deposition was postponed 'til tomorrow, so I thought, why not try out those new contacts with an unscheduled driving lesson? (Daria is momentarily panicked; she then blurrily sees a guy walking a group of dogs, and knows what she must now do) Daria - Mom, I have something to tell you. (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts The Old and the Beautiful Episode #302 Written by Rachelle Romberg (opening theme song) (in Mr. DeMartino's classroom) Mr. DeMartino - And so, the Democratic Party came to be associated with the "wel fare state," and the Republican Party with a more Darwinian approach. Which do y ou favor? Kevin! Kevin - Darwin's the monkey guy, right? I like monkeys.

Mr. DeMartino - A statement no doubt once also made by your mother! Kevin - No. She's more into kitties. Brittany - I love kitties! Mr. DeMartino - That's terrific, Brittany, and really adds an extra dimension to today's lesson! (Ms. Li walks in) Uh, Ms. Li, I wonder if I might-Ms. Li - Forget it! I've already told you: no staff resignations while class is in session. (DeMartino grumbles) Ms. Li - Students, aren't we a bunch of lucky so-and-sos? (beat) With all that t his great land has given us, shouldn't we think about giving back just a little? Daria - She's right. I'm going to renounce my citizenship. Ms. Li - So, as part of the school district's first annual Awareness of Others W eek, I'm asking each Lawndale High student to sign up for an extracurricular act ivity to make the world a better place. Jane - Let's start by rounding up all the psychotic school administrators and pu tting an end to their suffering. Daria - And ours. Ms. Li - 100% participation will earn me, um, us special recognition from the su perintendent of schools. Now, I want all of you to go out there and make me -- m ake the school look good. Resume learning! (leaves) Mr. DeMartino - Class, dare I ask whether anyone can relate this appeal for volu nteerism to the political philosophies we've been discussing today? Kevin. Kevin - You know what's cool about that Darwin guy? When Curious George gets in trouble, he always lets him slide. Mr. DeMartino - (hurries out) Ms. Li, wait! Hear a desperate man's plea! (in the hallway) Daria - I just think people should volunteer for causes because they believe in them, not because it makes the school look good. Jane - Absolutely. Run down the list of causes you volunteered for again? Daria - I protested that book burning last year. Jane - You yelled at the TV screen. Daria - Hey, if more people spoke up-Jane - Uh, oh. Looks like a whole bunch of people got here before us. Daria - I wonder if this has anything to do with the full day of procrastinating we just put in. Jane - Look! They need someone for an arts and crafts class at the children's wa rd of the hospital.

Daria - Calling Jane Lane. Jane - Too bad there's only one slot left. (signs sheet) Daria - That's okay. I guess I'll be picking debris off the highway. That'll mak e me feel all warm and fuzzy. Jane - Wait! How about reading to senior citizens? Daria - No, thanks. I'll feel more comfortable with the road kill. Jane - Come on, you're a people person. Daria - Mm-hmm. Jane - Well, you're a person anyway. Daria - Oh, what the hell. (signs sheet) It'll be good practice for when my pare nts turn senile -- which is probably any day now. (Daria and Jane leave as Kevin and Brittany approach) Brittany - Ooh, Kevvy, look! Reading with seniors. Kevin - Hanging out with the upperclassmen? Excellent! (at Daria's house) Quinn - So, the Fashion Club voted and we're going to collect clothes for the ho meless. Helen - Isn't that wonderful! Quinn - Well, I was given a talent for accessorizing. And it's sort of my duty t o share it with the world. Daria - I heard St. Francis started the same way. Helen - What are you doing, Daria? Quinn - She got stuck reading to old people. Jake - Hey, that's great, kiddo. Helen - Well, I'm proud of my girls for caring about the less fortunate. Quinn, I'm going to go through my closet right now and see what I can donate to your cl othing drive. Quinn - Your closet? Muh-OM, haven't the homeless suffered enough? (at Jane's house) SSW Announcer - What does your foot odor say about your sexual prowess? Sniffing for love, on the next Sick, Sad World. Daria - Are you sure they're going to let you bring your own materials to the ho spital? I don't know if sick children should be working with auto parts. Jane - Why not? They're not just recuperating, they're learning a trade. There'l

l be no popsicle stick picture frames in Jane Lane's arts and crafts class! Tomo rrow we're making voodoo dolls of the hospital staff. Daria - Do you think if you breathe on me I might catch your enthusiasm? Jane - Hey, who knows what you'll catch. Come on, your assignment isn't that bad . You like reading. Daria - (mutters) How would you like it... Jane - You're not nervous, are you? Daria - No, no. I'm not. Jane - You'll be fine. If it helps, picture them in their underwear while you re ad. You may throw up, but at least you won't be intimidated. You feel like takin g a walk to the butcher? This stuff would look great with a few cattle bones thr own in. (at the nursing home) Nurse - Hello. Oh, you must be from the high school. Come on in. We can always u se a ray of sunshine around here. Some of your classmates have already arrived. Brittany - Hey, Kevvy, look who's here. Kevin - Daria! Did you know there aren't any high school seniors here? They're o ld people and we have to read to them. Daria - What kind of lousy volunteer deal is that? Kevin - I know! (Fashion Club members on phone) Sandi - This teleconference of the Fashion Club is hereby called to order. First order of business: when do we go clothes shopping for the homeless? Tiffany - You know, I saw this homeless guy on TV once and he was wearing plaid pants with a striped top. Stacy - Ew! Why can't he just reach inside his shopping cart and pick out someth ing that matches? Quinn - Um, shouldn't we go through our own closets first for clothes to donate? Sandi - You mean a homeless person will be wearing my clothes? Tiffany - Uh, Quinn, are you really comfortable with that concept? Quinn - It'll stretch our shopping budget. The more clothes we find for free the more we help the homeless, right? And the more room in our closets for new stuf f! Stacy - Yeah! Tiffany - Oh, yeah. Sandi - Shush. Very well. But I'll review your donations to make sure no past fa shion mistakes are inadvertently revealed to our enemies. Later. (hangs up)

Stacy - Bye, guys. (hangs up) Tiffany - Ciao. (hangs up) (Quinn walks over to closet) Quinn - No, no, no... maybe. No. (screams) Daria, I found your jacket! (at the nursing home) Brittany - "As his fingers trailed sensuously down the nape of her neck to her.. . bow-dice... she tingled uncontrollably with the knowledge that tonight Jean Pe rrier would taste the fruit of the garden from which no man had ere picked produ ce before." Oh! Woman #1 - What a pretty voice she has. Do you think? Woman #2 - Oh, yes. She sounds just like Frances did when she was younger. Woman #3 - I always did have a lovely voice. Brittany - Thanks! Woman #2 - And I looked just like you, dear. Brittany - Eep! Kevin - Pow! Blam! Kablooey! Cool, this guy just swallowed his own teeth. Man - Happened to me last Friday. Only they weren't my teeth, if you get my drif t. Kevin - Yeah. No. Nurse - Daria, you'll be reading to Mrs. Patterson. I think you two will really hit it off. Mrs. Patterson - What a pretty girl... Daria - (upbeat) Oh. Mrs. Patterson - ... that Brittany is. Daria - (dejected) Oh. Mrs. Patterson - Are you two friends? No, I don't suppose you would be. Never mi nd. Let's hear what you brought to read. Daria - I hope you like poetry. Mrs. Patterson - Oh, yes. My favorite birthday cards are the ones with poems in them. Daria - "I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness. Starving, h ysterical, naked. Dragging themselves through the negro streets of dawn..." (time passes) Daria - "... the soul is innocent and immortal. It should never die ungodly, in

an armed madhouse--" (Mrs. Patterson presses call button) Nurse - Mrs. Patterson, can I get you something? Mrs. Patterson - Get me my walker. And then hit her with it! (at Cashman's department store) Quinn - I am just too cute in this. Theresa - Forget cute. You are adorable. Quinn - Oh, no... well, yeah. (Sandi arrives) Sandi - Quinn! I was just, uh, shopping for the homeless. Quinn - Um, me, too. (Stacy arrives) Sandi - Stacy, are you shopping for the needy, too? Stacy - Uh, yeah. Do you think chartreuse is a flattering color... on the homele ss, I mean? Quinn - Oh, definitely. (Tiffany arrives) Sandi - Great belly ring. Tiffany - It's between this and a nose stud. Quinn - Personally, I'd go with an ear cuff, but that's just me. Stacy - No, I'd go for that, too. Especially if it looked like a little person c linging to your ear. Those are so cute. Theresa - Are you girls all updating your wardrobes? Tiffany - Excuse me, we're collecting garments for the homeless. Theresa - Wow, that is so nice. You know, we've got a whole sale rack that's 50% off. Stacy - Sale rack?! Theresa - Yeah, you know, leftover stuff from last season. Sandi - Theresa, they're homeless, they're not tasteless. (at the nursing home) Nurse - Perhaps you just didn't select the right material, dear. Daria - You mean like "The Adventures of Ratboy?"

Nurse - I'm sure you'll find some stories in here. Daria - "Parables of the Way?" I don't suppose that means the way out? Nurse - Now you'll be reading to Mr. Gross. Mr. Gross, this is Daria. She's goin g to read to you. Isn't that nice? Mr. Gross - I want, I want... Nurse - Yes, Mr. Gross? Mr. Gross - I want Brittany. (time passes) Daria - "And with the thorn gone from his paw, the lion turned to the mouse with tears of gratitude in his eyes. He said, 'Thank you, Mr. Mouse. I have a feelin g we're going to become the best of friends.'" That's not how it ended on Animal Maulings on home video. Nurse (offsceen) - Okay, who wants Brittany to read to them next? (people shouting "Me, me!" offscreen) Mr. Gross - Me, me! Dear God, can you hear me? (time passes) Daria - "Suddenly, way in the distance the tortoise spotted the finish line. Onc e more he said to himself 'slow and steady wins the race.'" Woman (offscreen) - Kevin, you have such a soothing voice. Kevin (offscreen) - Aw. (chuckling) (time passes) Daria - "And the tortoise crossed the finish line first, to the surprise of ever yone. Everyone but the tortoise, that is." Another story, Mr. Gross? (Mr. Gross unplugs respirator) Nurse - (rushing in) Mr. Gross, what's wrong with your respirator? Mr. Gross - Nothing, I unplugged it. Daria - Don't blame me. I didn't write this stuff. (at Jane's house) Jane - Damn it! I must have left my Exact-O knives in the pediatric ward. Daria - You're really getting into this, aren't you? Jane - Yeah. The kids and I are redoing all the wall murals. The happy clowns ho lding balloons -- we turned them into Mongol invaders wielding maces. Daria - Wow. You really are making a difference in a child's life.

Jane - How are things going at the nursing home? Daria - It's just like high school. The people with the good looks and the inane bubbliness are sought out and held up as an example. Jane - And to think you could have been picking shoes off the highway. Daria - And giving them to you for your arts and crafts class. Jane - So, what are you going to do? Daria - Well, what I'd like to do is quit, but now I sort of feel like I owe the se people something. Jane - Maybe your sister can give you some perkiness tips. Daria - I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of helping me. Jane - I wouldn't let her know she was helping me. (at Daria's house) (Daria takes notes on Quinn's phone conversation) Quinn - Since we haven't been able to find anything good for the homeless yet, I 've been thinking we should go door to door for clothing donations. Stacy (on phone) - Well, we're only going to go to nice streets, right? Quinn - We'll only hit good neighborhoods where the people are well dressed. Stacy (on phone) - Oh, okay. Quinn - Why would we give the homeless anything we wouldn't want them giving us? Stacy (on phone) - Quinn, you are so smart. Quinn - Speaking of dressing like a tramp, did you see Brooke's new velvet top? Stacy (on phone) - No. Quinn - I doubt it's even velvet at all. I think it's velour. Stacy (oh phone) - Oh, my God. Quinn - Crushed velour. Which, it turns out, can't be uncrushed. (Stacy screams) (Daria tosses pencil away and leaves) (at school) Daria - I see you've got arts and crafts again today. Jane - Oh, yeah. So how did it go observing the Princess of Pleather? Daria - (imitates Quinn) "Do I have enough product in my hair?" Jane - You'll never pull it off.

Daria - Somehow, I find that very comforting. Brittany - Oh, Daria, I'm so sorry you're not popular at the nursing home. I mea n, I understand why you're an outcast here at school. Kevin - Yeah, everyone understands that. Jane - Even you? Kevin - Um... Brittany - But this is really sad. Kevin and I were talking, and we think it's y our voice. It's, like, a total bummer! Kevin - Hey, I know what might help you. I got kicked once during practice and m y voice... oh, I guess that wouldn't work on a girl. Daria - Well, we can't all have rich, soothing voices like yours, Brittany. Brittany - Wait! That's it -- I could help you! Jane - (imitates Brittany) Eureka! Kevin - Oh, babe. You're so thoughtful. Brittany - Well, this week we are supposed to be thinking of the less fortunate. Daria, come to my house after school and we'll see what we can do. This is goin g to be great! I can help everyone! (she and Kevin leave) Daria - What just happened? Jane - You're spending the afternoon with Brittany. Daria - You got anything sharp in there? (at Brittany's house) (Daria rings doorbell) Ashley-Amber - Hello. Daria - Um, hi. I didn't know Brittany had an older sister. Ashley-Amber - She does? Cool. Maybe we can get manicures together. Daria - No, I mean... if you're not her sister, then you're... Ashley-Amber - Her stepmother. (into house) Britty, honey, you didn't tell me yo u had a sister. (at Brittany's house) Brittany - Daria, this is my stepmom, Ashley-Amber. Do you recognize her? Daria - I think so, but it's so hard to remember your childhood nightmares clear ly. Brittany - She was the poster model for St. Peter Girl beer.

Ashley-Amber - "I'll cure what 'ales' you." (giggles) Brittany - Ooh, isn't she great? Daria - It's hard to believe she's real. Brittany - Come on, I'll introduce you to my dad. Daria - He's not the Maytag repairman, is he? Brittany - I don't think so. (Daria and Brittany enter Steve Taylor's study) Brittany - Dad, this is my classmate, Daria. Steve - Hey, Daria. Steve Taylor. Always glad to meet one of Britt's friends. (s hakes hands with Daria) You like cosmetics? I'll get you into a focus group. The pay is a joke but there's free lip gloss out the ying yang. Good stuff, too. Th ey try it on cats first. You meet my wife? Boy, was she a knockout when she was young. (Brian runs through hall, laughing) Brittany - My pompoms! Steve - That's my Pebble Beach hat, you little turd! Gerald Ford sold me that ha t! (Brittany and Steve run after Brian) Daria - Hi. How are you? (Fashion Club walking down the street) Stacy - My feet hurt. Sandi - Stacy... for once, try to look beyond your own petty concerns. Today we' re thinking about others, remember? Stacy - Um, sorry, Sandi. Homeless Man - Spare some change? (Fashion Club walks right past him, oblivious) Sandi - It's all right, Stacy. Just try to be a little more compassionate, okay? (at Brittany's house) Brittany - Okay, so one, like, method or whatever to make your voice sound more cheery is to end each sentence as if you're asking a question? 'Cause then you s ound, like, perky? Daria - (deadpan) "The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain?" Brittany - Hmm. Okay, that didn't work either. Daria - What about that squeak you do?

Brittany - (squeaking) What squeak? (Fashion Club walking down the street) Tiffany - I can't believe the T-shirts that shop tried to give us. Sandi - Really. The homeless have suffered enough. Don't make them wear a cotton -poly blend, too. Quinn - Yeah, but maybe we should've... Stacy - Oh, look. Half-price hair styling. Tiffany - "Today only." Sandi - You know, a new look would really draw attention to our cause. (at Brittany's house) Daria - "Cheerleader tip number (squeaks) 12: If you lose your place during a ro utine, don't worry. No one's paying attention to you anyway. They're watching (s queaks) the game." Brittany - I'm sorry, Daria. This just isn't working out. I tried. I really trie d. But it's hopeless. Face it, Daria. You'll never be like me. Daria - Guess I'll have to find a new dream. (Fashion Club walking down the street) Stacy - My feet are... I mean, um, uh... how do your feet feel, Sandi? Sandi - They're killing me! Is the box full, Quinn? Quinn - Actually, it's kind of... empty. Maybe, um, we shouldn't be so picky? Sandi - Are you saying, Quinn, that perhaps today's canvassing has been mishandl ed? Quinn - Oh, no! No way, Sandi. You're a donation seeking expert. Tiffany - The best. Sandi - Thank you. All right, I may possibly have been a little too selective, b ut it's because I was thinking of the homeless. Stacy - Sure. Tiffany - Of course. Quinn - Absolutely. Sandi - New policy. From here on in we take whatever is offered and we let the h omeless make their own fashion choices. (Sandi rings doorbell) Mrs. Johannsen - (wheezing) Yes, girls? Sandi - Never mind. (Fashion Club turns around and leaves)

Mrs. Johannsen - (wheezing) Hey, are you girls selling chocolate? (at Daria's house) Daria - "Her heaving bosom rose and fell each time Drake looked her way." (sighs ) Well, what do you think? Am I ready? (leaf falls off tree in response) (at the nursing home) Nurse - Who would like Daria to read to them? (scattered cries of "No, no, no!") Nurse - Mrs. Blaine? Daria here is going to read to you. Daria, this is Mrs. Bla ine. Well, I'll leave you to it. Daria - (flatly) "Her golden skin was the color of a wheat field. Her lips like rose petals, wet with dawn's sparkling dew." Who writes this stuff? I mean, who' s really named "Sierra"? If you ask me, these books have nothing to do with real emotions. Mrs. Blaine, what do you say I read you some Byron? (Mrs. Blaine nods) Daria - Or... some really graphic smut. (Mrs. Blaine nods) Daria - You're deaf, aren't you? (Mrs. Blaine nods) Daria - Okay. Well, then, here's a story. Once upon a time, there was a girl who wasn't good at faking enthusiasm. She volunteered to read at a nursing home but everyone hated her voice. So to humiliate her, they made her read to a deaf per son. Big joke. And they all live miserably ever after. (stands up) Mrs. Blaine - Oh, read me another, dear. Please? You have such a pretty voice. (in the school auditorium) Ms. Li - I'd like to congratulate everyone on a very successful Awareness of Oth ers Week. Our 100% participation has earned us a special commendation from the s uperintendent of schools. "Dear Ms. Li, congratulations to all the students..." Oh, blah, blah. Ah! "Rarely does one encounter an administrator with your unique blend of drive and compassion. You are one very special educator, and a very sp ecial lady." (giggles) Oh. "Of course, the students also..." Et cetera, I won't bore you. Daria - Too late. Ms. Li - Now, let's acknowledge our most outstanding volunteers: Mr. Thompson an d Ms. Taylor. (cheering and applause) Brittany - I'd like to dedicate this award to the senior citizens at the Better Days Nursing Home, who taught me a very valuable lesson: always wear your sunscr

een. Kevin - Yeah! Ratboy rocks! (cheers and applause) Daria - Please, God, an aneurysm. Jane - For them or for you? Daria - Both. Ms. Li - Now, let us welcome Lawndale High's Fashion Club, here to present a gen erous donation of clothes for the needy. (looks in box) A pair of go-go boots an d a belly chain? Where's the rest?! Quinn - Um, that's it. Sandi - They may be poor but that doesn't mean they should be unfashionable. Stacy - Right. Tiffany - Totally. Daria - They may be shallow but that doesn't mean they should be executed. Jane - Yes, it does. Daria - Very well, I'm sold. (in the school hallway) Jane - I guess I won't be needing this any more. (holds up animal skull) Daria - Oh, yeah. Sorry your mural got you banned from the children's ward. Jane - I still don't get it. What's an Old West scene without a scalping? Go fig ure. Daria - Well, anyway, National Awareness of Others Week is over. So we can all g o back to being self-absorbed again. Jane - On that note, want to come over to my house and watch TV? Daria - Later. I've got something to do. (at the nursing home) Daria - "Melody Powers sighed as she began picking what was left of Misha out of her hair. She'd look into less aggressive explosives back at H.Q. after her ren dezvous with Team Algiers and the intriguing Edouard. 'I hope he's the strong, s ilent type,' she thought, flicking away one of Misha's molars. 'I've already had one man go to pieces on me today.'" (Mrs. Blaine smiles, which Daria returns) (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Depth Takes a Holiday Episode #303 Written by Sam Johnson and Chris Marcil (opening theme song) (at Jane's house) SSW Announcer - The world's largest nativity scene... in August? Atlanta mall ma nager Gifford Jones. Jones - Nativities mean Christmas, and Christmas means revenue. Don't have to be a wise man to figure that out. SSW Announcer - The savior went down to Georgia, tonight on Sick, Sad World. (turns TV off) Daria - Could they make the holidays any more vulgar? Jane - I hope so. Daria - What? Jane - The more debased they become, the less reason to celebrate them, and the less reason for my family to get together, until presto! I'm finally alone on Th anksgiving with a TV dinner. Daria - Sometimes I wonder if you're too cynical, even for me. Jane - Really? You think? Daria - No. I was being sarcastic. (walking home) St. Patrick's Day - Not another step, lassie. Daria - All right, I'll sign. Cupid - What? Daria - Your petition for an alternative lifestyles parade. Where's the pen? St. Patrick's Day - We need to speak to you, miss. Cupid - It's cool. We come in peace. Daria - Who are you? St. Patrick's Day - Sorry, we can't tell you. We're on a secret mission. Cupid - For now, let's just say he's the St. Patrick's Day leprechaun and I'm Cu pid. St. Patrick's Day - You idiot, that's who we really are! Cupid - Dude, you and I know that, but this chick doesn't.

Daria - Well, now that you've spilled the beans and admitted you're crazy, tell me about the secret mission. St. Patrick's Day - We have reason to believe that Christmas, Halloween and Guy Fawkes Day have left Holiday Island and come here to Lawndale. Daria - Guy Fawkes Day? Cupid - English dude. St. Patrick's Day - The bastard. Daria - And where is Holiday Island? Cupid - We're supposed to say "in your heart," but really it's through a dimensi onal wormhole in back of the Good Time Chinese Restaurant. Daria - Oh. Christmas, Halloween and Guy Fawkes Day came to Lawndale for Chinese food. St. Patrick's Day - Of course not, that's just stupid. They came here to start a band. Cupid - Kind of a hiphop-punk-electronica vibe. They're not bad, but they need a guitar player. St. Patrick's Day - Shut up! Are you going to help us get them back or not? Daria - Oh, certainly. You just prove to me that you're really a leprechaun and he's really Cupid, and my winged horse, Pegasus, and I will be at your service. Cpd - Sounds fair. Here then, smell this. (breathes on Daria) Daria - Gross! Beer. Cpd - Green beer. And I don't even drink. It's congenital. Daria - That doesn't prove anything. Cupid - My turn. (takes Daria's hand) Now, you should feel relaxed and warm. (in Barry White voice) Everything is cool. Everything is love, baby. And the next w ord out of your mouth will be that particular someone who makes you feel like Qu een Cleopatra. Daria - Trent? Ooh! (runs away) St. Patrick's Day - Now she's definitely not going to help us. Cupid - I know, but it's still a cool trick. St. Patrick's Day - Maybe to you. And turn off that bleedin' music. Cupid - Sorry. (at Daria's house) (Daria runs in and slams the door) Helen - Daria, what happened?

Jake - Are you okay? Daria - Yeah. Helen - Jake, I'm on it. Jake - Oh. Helen - That doesn't mean you can take a break! Jake - You said you were on it. St. Patrick's Day - Did she give us up? Cupid - I can't tell, dude. Her parents are all, like, "blah, blah, blah." St. Patrick's Day - Then shut them up. Cupid - Right. Hello, lovers. (shoots love gun) Helen - How can anyone have so little instinct for parenting? (Helen and Jake are hit by love bullets) Cupid - Bull's-eye. Jake - You're right. It's all my fault. I don't deserve you, Helen. Helen - Oh, yes, you do, Jakey. Daria - This is not happening. Helen - What did she say? Jake - Never mind that. We're alone! Blissfully... Helen - Alone. Quinn - Dad, can I have a... ewww! I need a shower. (in Daria's room) Daria - Cool thoughts... a river running to the ocean... far from here... (Cupid knocks on window) Cupid - So, you'll help us, right? Daria - Why not? I'm obviously having some kind of nervous breakdown. I'll just ride it out and see where it takes me, Zelda Fitzgerald-style. Quinn - Daria, something's wrong with Mom and Dad. Who are you talking to? Daria - Um, my imaginary friend? Quinn - Okay, I'll come back. St. Patrick's Day - The girl mustn't know about us.

Daria - Right, because you can't be seen by other mortals. St. Patrick's Day - Seeing is okay. It's having to talk to that little twit that 'd drive us crazy. Cupid - Are we done here? You're getting heavy. St. Patrick's Day - Oh, shut up, you bloody... (Cupid drops him) idiot! Quinn - What was that? Daria - My imaginary friend fell down. Quinn - God, Daria. Even your imaginary friends are embarrassing. (at Jane's house) Jane - Well, you lead an interesting life when I'm not around. Have you been dri nking some out-of-season nog, perhaps? Daria - Look, I feel stupid enough as it is. Just don't tell-Jane - Hey, Trent. Daria was wondering if you've heard of any new hiphop-punk-el ectronica bands in town. And if so, do they include Christmas, Halloween and Guy Fawkes Day? Daria - Jane! Trent - Yeah. They're coming over to jam. Both - What? Guy Fawkes Day - Yeah. Christmas - Yo. Halloween - Yo. Jane - Yo. Daria - Oh, God. You're Christmas, right? Christmas - I prefer "X." Halloween - Short for "Xmas." Daria - I got it. Trent - You know these guys, Daria? Daria - Well, I know they're wanted back at Holiday Island. Christmas - This is why we need closed rehearsals, man. Halloween - Great. A week in town and we've got our first narc. Guy Fawkes Day - Bollocks! Trent - Come on, man, Daria's cool.

Halloween - She doesn't act like she's cool. Jane - Sure she's cool. Come on, Daria, do something cool. Daria - Um, anyone for pizza? My treat. Halloween - This chick is cool. (at Pizza King) Christmas - What do you care if we go back to Holiday Island? Daria - All I care about is that this dream isn't the first sign of a brain tumo r. Trent - What's so bad about Holiday Island, anyway? Halloween - For one thing, you have to be happy all the time. Christmas - Have you ever been forced to spread love and joy 24 hours a day? Daria - I believe on that one I can go with a definite "no." Guy Fawkes Day - Well, it's like, mmm... bollocks, is what it's like. Jane - Yeah, bollocks! St. Patrick's Day - We thought we might find you burnouts here. Guy Fawkes Day - Shut your gob, you little green-St. Patrick's Day - Sod off, you British wanker! Cupid - Soccer riot! Daria - Hey! I'm sorry, but I can't help you. If they don't want to go back to H oliday Island, I support their choice. Cupid - But then there'll be no Christmas or Halloween or Guy Fawkes Day. Jane - No Guy Fawkes Day? (feigns sobbing) St. Patrick's Day - I'm warning you! This is going to screw up the natural order . Jane - That's Daria's life mission. Christmas - Excellent. Then maybe we can crash at your house for a while. Daria - Oh, no. Jane - Don't be stupid, Daria. That English one is cute. (at Daria's house) (Helen and Jake dancing in living room) Helen - Oh... (Jake chuckles)

(Helen and Jake getting frisky in bed) Helen - (cooing) oh, Jakey-wakie... Quinn - Ew! (in Quinn's bedroom) (split-screen between Quinn and Sandi) Quinn - And then, as if that weren't bad enough, now they're thinking of having another baby! Sandi - How do you know? Quinn - Why else would they be... you know... (shudders) Sandi - Oh, yeah. That is the worst and cruelest thing they could do to you. Quinn - It's no fair making a popular person compete with a new baby. Sandi - Really. They're so cute when they smile at you. "Hello, precious." Quinn - Sandi! Sandi - Oh, sorry. Quinn - I've got to follow them around and make sure it doesn't happen. Sandi - Well, try not to stay up too late. You know what that does to your skin. Quinn - Sandi, you're such good friend. Sandi - I know. (in Daria's bedroom) Quinn - Daria, we've got to do something about Mom and... what's going on? Daria - I've got three fugitive holidays staying in my room. How's your day goin g? Quinn - Great. Now who are they really? Daria - As stupid as it sounds, these are actual holiday spirits on the run from the law. Quinn - That's the problem with you brains: you think lying is child's play. Daria - See, Cupid shot Mom and Dad full of love so I'd help him get these guys back to Holiday Island. Quinn - Are you taking some kind of experimental depression medicine? Daria - Of course not. Quinn - Too bad. You'll need it when the new baby arrives. Daria - Oh, he's not a baby. He's a leprechaun.

(at school) St. Patrick's Day - That Daria chick is going to screw everything up a lot worse than she thinks. Cupid - Dude, relax. We'll find somebody else to help us. St. Patrick's Day - Easy for you to relax. You haven't been oppressed for four c enturies. Cupid - Oh, yeah? Anybody ever make you fly around in a diaper? (in Barry White voice) Just love and be loved and try to cool out. St. Patrick's Day - Will you stop with the idiotic voice? It doesn't even sound like Elvis. Here, now let me do the talking. Kevin - So then I said, "Come on, ladies let's kick some butt!" And I think that really motivated the guys. Calling them ladies, I mean. Brittany - You're so smart, Kevvy. Can I help you? St. Patrick's Day - 'Tis our fond wish, lassie. You see, some friends of ours ha ve come to Lawndale and we're hoping you can talk them into going home with us. Kevin - No problem. I can talk anybody into anything. Brittany - Yeah. He does it to me all the time. Kevin - We'll just tell them what a cool place Lawndale is. St. Patrick's Day - No, we want you to do the opposite. Kevin - (chuckles) the opposite of what? St. Patrick's Day - We want you to talk them into leaving Lawndale. Brittany - But they just got here, right? Kevin - Really. You dudes need to get your story straight. St. Patrick's Day - We're gonna need the smart chick. And don't tell me to relax . Cupid - Dude, for once, I agree with you. (at Sandi's house) Tiffany - And that concludes the report of the Accessory Committee. Stacy - Great! Wasn't that great, Quinn? Quinn? Quinn - (wakes up) Oh! Sandi - What's wrong, Quinn? You seem uncharacteristically sloppy. Tiffany - My God, you're not getting a new look, are you? Quinn - (weakly) Haven't slept... must stay alert... can't allow parents to have baby...

Sandi - Quinn, why don't you get that girl who lives with you to follow your par ents around? Quinn - (weakly) She has holidays staying with her... Stacy - Holidays? Quinn - (weakly) Christmas, Halloween and Folks Day... Sandi - Quinn, honey, I think you need to take a leave of absence from the Fashi on Club. Quinn - (protests weakly) What? No! Stacy - Really. Get some sleep and come back when you're not so... Tiffany - Creative. (in front of Daria's house) Jane - (whistling) Name that tune. Daria - "Jane's Theme"? Jane - Damn you, woman. Daria - Well, if it isn't the spirit of nagging and his friend. St. Patrick's Day - How about a little walk? I'm buying. Jane - You're buying what? St. Patrick's Day - Oh, we'll figure it out when we get there. (at the Lawndale Mall) Daria - Wow, the mall. You holidays sure know how to show a girl a holiday. St. Patrick's Day - Look closely, lassie. Life as we know it has come to a halt. Check out the unsold Halloween candy. Daria - Fewer cavities. That's good. Cupid - See all the toys that kids won't be getting this Christmas? Jane - Kids are too materialistic anyway. St. Patrick's Day - Damn it, don't you have any conscience at all? Daria - Now, what horrible consequence has followed the disappearance of Guy Faw kes Day? Jane - Well, look at that. (points to out-of-business pie stand) St. Patrick's Day - You see, Daria, you really had a wonderful life. Daria - What the hell are you talking about? (at Daria's house)

Guy Fawkes Day - (channel surfing) Stupid... moronic... uh-uh... utter tripe... Halloween - (into phone) Shaving cream... uh-huh... yeah... Jane - Ugh! What's with this fake cobweb stuff? Halloween - I'm on the phone. And what do you mean, fake? Jane - Yuck. Guy Fawkes Day - Have you noticed how completely imbecilic your country is? Daria - Oh, really? Jane - He's cute. So why do I want to deck him all the time? Christmas - Hey, I can't find any sugar-coated cookies. Where's your Christmas s pirit? Daria - I thought I didn't need Christmas spirit anymore. Christmas - You don't, but I need one of those little cottages all made out of g ingerbread. Daria - I'm afraid we're fresh out of house-shaped food. Christmas - Figures. Halloween - (into phone) Hold on. (to Daria) You got a license? Daria - Learner's permit. Halloween - You think your dad could drive me and some friends to a rich neighbo rhood with a lot of trees? Daria - Uh, I don't know. Halloween - (into phone) Just get the toilet paper and meet me out front and we' ll play it by ear. Oh, and don't forget the eggs. (hangs up) Daria - What's that about? Halloween - Aren't you nosy? You really know how to make someone not feel at hom e. Daria - Excuse me, but this is my home. Halloween - Do you own it? Daria - No. Halloween - Then it's not really yours, is it? Christmas - Okay, freeloaders. There's not a baked good in the place, so I guess it's time to go to Trent's and rehearse. Guy Fawkes Day - Good. Maybe we'll sound decent for once. Halloween - Shut up!

Guy Fawkes Day - You shut up! Christmas - Both of you shut up! (holidays bicker) Jane - Well, now we know why people only want them to come around once a year. Daria - Really. Let's just hope we never meet leap year. Jane - Aren't your parents freaking out? Daria - My parents aren't quite themselves. Jake - Hi, kids! Isn't it a great day? Don't you just love it when it's overcast ? Helen - Daria, you've made some new friends! (to Jake) Race you to the bedroom, honey. Jake - You're on! Daria - Okay. The mall I don't mind. I can handle sharing space with jerks. But this is the last straw. I think we have to go to Holiday Island. Jane - I guess so. Let's find those other two guys. (Daria finds Cupid and St. Patrick's Day bound and gagged in closet) (at Holiday Island) Daria - Wow, Holiday Island has a Good Time Chinese Restaurant, too? St. Patrick's Day - It's a chain. Jane - Where are all the holidays? This place looks dead. Cupid - This is just for the tourists, dude. St. Patrick's Day - Yeah, all the holidays are over there. (points to high schoo l) Daria - Oh, no. (at Holiday Island High School) Jane - This is just like a high school. Daria - You know, I get the feeling we'll be saying that all our lives. St. Patrick's Day - It only seems like high school. Actually, it's much worse. Jane - That's what we'll be saying all our lives. Daria - Who are all these holidays? Cupid - Bunch of saint's days. Who can keep track? Daria - This doesn't seem so bad. What's the problem?

St. Patrick's Day - The problem? Ever since Christmas and Halloween left, the so cial order has gone totally haywire. Cupid - They were, like, the two coolest kids in school. They ran the place. St. Patrick's Day - That's right. Thanksgiving tried to step up, but he's got a lot of screwed-up family problems and always gets depressed by the end of the da y. Daria - So now who's in charge? St. Patrick's Day - President's Day. Lincoln - Yo, Arbor Day! Sandals? What'd we say about footwear? Washington - I cannot tell a lie. You are hatchet city, man. Arbor Day - Yes, sir. Lincoln - Hey, Veteran's Day. Take care of this guy. Of the people, by the peopl e... Washington - For the presidents. Jane - And they seem so nice in the appliance store ads. St. Patrick's Day - Uh-oh, here comes Memorial Day. Memorial Day - You got to help me. Lincoln's going to make me recite the Pledge of Allegiance. Call him off! Daria - All right, you win. We'll help. I have an idea. (at Jane's house) (holidays are fighting) Trent - Hey, Janey. Daria. Jane - Hey. Daria - What's going on? Trent - Rehearsal. Jane - Interesting sound. What's really going on? Trent - Christmas and Guy Fawkes Day are pissed off because Halloween got a job at Coffee Cafe and she doesn't want to share her paycheck. Daria - Why would she want to share her paycheck? Trent - Exactly. Halloween - Get your own job. Guy Fawkes Day - Pouring coffee is for wankers. Halloween - Huh? What?

Daria - Okay, everybody. Enough! What would you say if I told you I got you a pa ying gig? Guy Fawkes Day - Well, I'd probably say... bollocks! But that's just a natural r eflex. Halloween - Shut up! Christmas - No, you shut up. Where are we playing? (Daria unrolls poster) Guy Fawkes Day - But proms are for tossers! Daria - Come on. A gig's a gig. Trent - Whoa, Daria. You really know a lot about music. (at Daria's house) Helen - Honey, how long has it been since we took a walk? Jake - Too long. From now on, let's walk every day. Quinn - Hi, guys. Where are we going? Helen - Quinn! Well, your father and I are taking a walk. Just a boring, old wal k. Jake - Yeah, a dumb, old, stupid walk around the neighborhood. Doesn't sound lik e much fun, does it? Quinn - Au contraire! Sounds great! Let's go. Just us guys. Jake - You're not embarrassed to be seen with us? What if one of your fellows co mes by? Quinn - (thinking) Must be strong, Quinn. Be strong. (out loud) Embarrassed? Of course not! Hanging out with your parents is considered cool these days. (thinki ng) Quinn, you rule. (Jeffy and Jamie drive up) Jamie - Hey, Quinn! Uh-oh, keep driving. She must be in trouble. (Jeffy and Jamie drive away) (at Holiday Island) Christmas - I can't believe we let you talk us into coming back. Halloween - Really. Is any gig worth this? Jane - Come on, the show must go on or something. St. Patrick's Day - Finally! Hurry up and get inside. People want to dance. Guy Fawkes Day - You're the D.J.? That's it! We're boycotting!

Trent - Uh-oh. St. Patrick's Day - The presidents aren't going to like this. Or maybe they will . (Washington and Lincoln high-five each other) Guy Fawkes Day - You mean those colonial wankers are in charge? Halloween - Not anymore. (in the Holiday Island High School gym) St. Patrick's Day - All right, I hope you people are ready to dance because we h ave with us tonight, all the way from Lawndale, the Holidays! (applause and cheering) Washington - Hold on! They said they were too good for us. Lincoln - Yeah, four score and seven years-Man #1 - Shut up, we want to dance! Man #2 - Get off the stage, nimnob! All - Boo! Daria - Well, history is just as popular here as it is in Lawndale. St. Patrick's Day - All right. The Holidays! (applause) Guy Fawkes Day - (singing) So I'm a bleeding holiday, there's more to my life th an that, I say I got normal dreams, normal desires, want to drive a normal car w ith normal tires, yeah! I'm a teen holiday and it sucks! I'm a teen holiday and it sucks! I'm a teen holiday and it sucks! I'm a teen holiday and it sucks, yeah ! Oh, yeah. (growls into mike) (after the dance) Guy Fawkes Day - That was absolutely brilliant! Christmas - We've got parties booked for the next year! This is awesome! Trent - Um, I kind of have to get back to my band. We're voting on a new name. Halloween - But we need you. Come on, man! We're making electronica history. Jane - Hey, no problem. I found you a replacement. Meet Holiday Island's numberone harpsichord player... acoustic and electric. Washington - Let's shred! Christmas - I like it... man, you're in. Jane - Should I care that none of this makes any sense? Daria - Nope, this is the best Christmas, Halloween, Valentine's, Saint Patrick'

s, President's and Guy Fawkes Day ever. Jane - And we didn't even have to buy a stupid card. (behind Holiday Island Good Times Chinese Restaurant) (exchanging goodbyes) St. Patrick's Day - I thank you kindly. You've saved the holidays. Daria - All in a day's work. St. Patrick's Day - And if there's ever anything I can do for you -- when you've reached the legal drinking age, that is -- let me know. Daria - What about my parents? Can you at least recommend a doctor? Cupid - No need, dude. (at Daria's house) Jake - You know, Quinn. It's been kind of nice having you around so much lately. Helen - It has been nice. Very nice. Quinn - Nice?! It's been the most boring, worst time in my entire life! Go ahead and have your stupid baby! I can't take this anymore! Jake - You're pregnant?! Helen - Of course not. Jake - We can't have another kid, Helen! Helen - Well, I'm not pregnant. And that's not a very nice thing to say, by the way. (Helen and Jake begin to argue) Daria - Hey, what's going on? Quinn - Absolutely nothing, and I am sick of it! I can't continue to live my lif e like some kind of monk in a nunnery! Daria - Actually... Jake - Well, don't blame me! Helen - Oh, oh, and you want to blame me! Jake - Get off my back, Helen! Leave me the hell alone! Daria - God bless us, everyone. (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts

Daria Dance Party Episode #304 Written by Peggy Nicoll (opening theme song) (in Ms. Defoe's class) Brittany - Jane, your picture's full of bloody people! That's not a still life! Jane - Sure it is. The blood's the reason they're so still. Kevin - Blood? Cool! Hey, Jane, paint something with blood on my canvas. And mag gots! Jane - Sorry, sport boy. These itty-bitty canvases just don't do it for me. How I long for a medium grand enough to do justice to my inner torment! Ms. Li - (enters) Good morning, students. Where is your instructor? Brittany - She went to the ladies' room. Ms. Li - (into tape recorder) 10:25, Defoe leaves post without clearance for per sonal business. Initiate investigation. (to class) Anyway, I just dropped in to caution you that the school dance is in two weeks, and security is going to be e specially tight. So, if anyone is thinking of rigging a bucket of pig's blood to the rafters, well, they can just forget it. (leaves) Daria - There goes my weekend. (in the hallway) Kevin - The dance is going to be cool. Brittany - (smacks Kevin) You callous oaf! Kevin - Ow! What? Brittany - Did you forget the last dance, when I caught you making out with Zoe? ! Kevin - For the 50th time, babe, I was fixing her nose ring! Brittany - What do you think, I'm stupid and stuff? Kevin - Hey, I've already told you, smart doesn't matter with a body like mine.. . I mean yours. Brittany - Hmph! For your information, there are plenty of guys who think I'm pr etty and smart! Daria - You can visit them at the Cedars of Lawndale head injury ward. Brittany - Ooh, I'm sick of this! Maybe it's time I find someone who really appr eciates me! Kevin - Maybe I should find someone who really appreciates me! Jane - Hello, Mom?

Brittany - Then you just go ahead and do that because it's, it's over! And this time I mean it! (leaves) Kevin - Oh, yeah? It's double over for me! (leaves) Jane - You don't really think... Daria - Forget it. That species mates for life. (in Mr. O'Neill's class) (bell rings) Mr. O'Neill - Now remember, your Hemingway essays are due in one week. And this time, Stacy, it's Ernest, not Mariel. Stacy - Sorry. Mr. O'Neill - Oh, um, class, before you go, we're still looking for someone to h ead the dance committee. Remember, to volunteer is to say "I care." Sandi - Dance committee... (shivers) (flashback) Young Sandi - I'll never work on another dance again! They expect you to do stuf f, and now everything's messed up and the whole school's going to blame me. Plus , I haven't even had time to find sandals to go with my new halter dress! Young Linda - Sandi, I warned you. To volunteer is to say, "use me." (present) Tiffany - Sandi, are you okay? Sandi - Gee, Quinn, I think you should volunteer. You have such good taste. Quinn - Um, but you have even better taste, Sandi. You should volunteer. Sandi - I know, why don't you take the job and appoint the Fashion Club as your committee? Of course, if you don't think we're up to it then just say so. Quinn - Um, okay, I guess. Mr. O'Neill, I'll head the dance committee. Mr. O'Neill - Really? Great! Get ready to work like you've never worked before! Quinn - Oh, I'll have the Fashion Club to help me. Right, guys? Guys? (in the hallway) Brittany - I've had it! Kevin and I are finally over for good! Angie - Is it over-over, like the time he got you a football for your birthday, or just over, like the time he thought your goldfish needed air? Brittany - No, this time it's really over-over. And as fellow cheerleaders, you have to swear on a stack of pompoms not to go to the dance with that two-timing, scum of the earth, Kevin. All - We solemnly swear not to go to the dance with that two-timing, scum of the

earth, Kevin. Yay, team! (in the hallway) Kevin - So it's agreed. No one asks Brittany to the dance. We're men; we got to stick together. We show them who's boss. (everyone agrees) Quinn - (walks past) Hi. (Three J's run after Quinn) Kevin - Yo, guys! Guys! (at Daria's house) Quinn - So I said maybe we should get a velvet rope and hire a bouncer to keep o ut, you know, the undesirable elements. Jake - I remember those dances. You want to talk about humiliation? The one time I had a date she stood me up for Mr. Campus Hot Stuff. Oh, but I showed her! I went anyway! How I wanted to wring her little...! Helen - Daria, are you going to the dance? Quinn - Of course she's not going. Only a loser would go to a dance without a da te. Jake - School dances suck! (stabs mashed potatoes) Helen - Jake! Here, make a guest house. (spoons potatoes onto plate) Jake - All right! (doorbell chimes) Quinn - Don't anybody move. Jake - Charity bloodsuckers! Daria - No, it's the fashion bloodsuckers. Quinn - Everyone, please remain in your seats until my guests and I are all safe ly upstairs. Thank you. (leaves) Jake - How come Quinn never introduces us to her friends? Daria - Why don't you ask the little people who live in your potatoes? (Helen sighs) (in Quinn's bedroom) Quinn - So I was thinking, since we'll all be wearing designer dresses, we shoul d have a fashion show theme. The dance floor could be on a runway and everyone c ould watch us from the sidelines. Stacy - That's a great idea!

Tiffany - Yeah, really great, Quinn. Sandi - Yes, if you want to make a mockery of the runway by having the visually unacceptable waddle all over it. Tiffany - Oh, yeah. Stacy - Oh, right. Quinn - Okay, then... maybe since we're all wearing bronze, gold and copper dres ses, we should have a bronze, gold and copper dance! Tiffany - Oh, yeah. Stacy - That's cool. Sandi - Great. Then everyone will know what we're wearing ahead of time, so no o ne will be surprised. Tiffany - Ooh, she has a point. Quinn - Gee, Sandi, since you don't like any of my ideas, maybe there's somethin g you'd like to do. Sandi - I think we should decorate the gym like the inside of the Concorde. Quinn - Um, it's a cute idea and everything, but I'm not sure there would be muc h room to dance, and... Sandi - Gee, Quinn, if you're not going to listen to ideas from your own dance c ommittee, maybe you should just plan the dance alone. Quinn - Don't be silly... Sandi - So now I'm silly? Quinn - I meant, it would be silly for me to plan the dance alone when I have su ch a talented committee. I know the four of us can come up with something really fun! Sandi - But I already did come up with something really fun. Quinn - But it's just... well, not practical. Sandi - Maybe I should just have my own party, since you obviously think I'm pos tal. Quinn - I don't think you're postal! Sandi - Come on. I know a really nice insane asylum. Stacy - Sandi, I think what Quinn meant is... (Sandi glares) Eep! Quinn - But I need you guys! Sandi - Then next time, maybe you'll act like it. Tiffany - Sorry, Quinn. (Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany leave)

Quinn - Wait! Uh! (in the hallway) Kevin - So, Angie, want to go to the dance with the Q.B.? I'll drive. Angie - No thanks, Kevin. I've got plans that night to... um, read a newspaper. (leaves) Kevin - Hmm... okay! (in come-on tone) Hey, Quinn... Quinn - (walks past) Not now. Kevin - Um, Daria? Can I ask you a personal question? Daria - No. Kevin - See, normally, I have no trouble in, you know, the babe department. But now, they're treating me like I'm on the honor roll or something. Jane - Kids can be so cruel. Kevin - I can't get one cheerleader to go to the dance with me. I don't get it. Jane - Maybe you're losing your looks. Daria - Or maybe you're losing your mind. Kevin - You think I'm losing my looks? Jane - A face-lift will fix you right up. Daria - Why do you have to go to the dance with a cheerleader? Kevin - It's not to make Brittany jealous, if that's what you think. Jane - I'm convinced. Daria - Cheer up. I'm sure there are plenty of non-cheerleaders who would be hap py to waste three hours of their lives at a dance with you. Kevin - Oh, wait. I see where this is going. Hey, Daria, no offense, but no way. I mean, what are you thinking? Daria - Huh? Kevin - Gotta go. (leaves) Jane - (shouts) But what about the baby?!! (in Mr. O'Neill's classroom) Mr. O'Neill - (into mirror) Um, Ms. Barch? Janet? May I call you Janet? No? Oh, okay. Ms. Barch... Quinn - Hi. Mr. O'Neill - Eep!

Quinn - I just wanted to tell you, um, my great-aunt Audrey died two days ago an d I'm too upset to head the dance committee. You know, death and all. Okay, gott a go. Mr. O'Neill - Quinn, wait. If there's anything I can do to help you through this time of bereavement... Quinn - All right! So I don't have a great-aunt Audrey. Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany deserted me and no one else will help and I can't plan the dance all by myself! Mr. O'Neill - I see. You must be feeling a lot of teenage stress to make up such a fanciful story. Quinn - So I'm off the hook? Mr. O'Neill - Quinn, I've got a solution. I will be your dance committee! Quinn - Ewww! Fine! I'll find a new committee. (moans and leaves) Mr. O'Neill - (into mirror) Janet, please, don't think me forward or randy by as king you this, but... (at Pizza King) Brittany - So, anyway, I really love to dance. Of course, the best place to danc e is at a dance. Do you like to dance? Football Player - Um, sure. (sees Kevin) I mean, no. No, no, no... no. (runs off ) Brittany - (to Jodie) I can't believe it. No one has asked me to the dance! Am I losing my looks? Andrea - (walks past) They're gaining their senses. Brittany - What? Jodie - Brittany, I completely disapprove of this ridiculous fight with Kevin. Brittany - Oh... Jodie - But if you insist on teaching the big idiot a lesson, why not ask Robert to the dance? Brittany - But he's at DisneyWorld with his family till next Friday! Jodie - So he doesn't know about any of this. That's why he'll say yes, see? Brittany - Wow! Jodie, no wonder you're an honor student! Jodie - Yeah, all that note-taking and studying is just to kill time between my friends' romantic crises. Brittany - You ought to try watching TV. (leaves) Mack - Hey, what's she so happy about? Jodie - Nuttin', honey. Quinn - Hi, guys.

(guys greet Quinn eagerly) Quinn - I was wondering if you could do me a teensy-weensy favor. Guys - I can do it. No problem! Quinn - Great! I need help planning the dance. Jeffy - (clears throat) Quinn, we'd like to help but, uh, you know... we're guys . Guys - Hey, Sandi. Sandi - Gee, I hope everyone here isn't too busy to come to the party I'm having while my parents are out of town. Guys - (cheering) Yeah, we're there! Sandi - Quinn, I just want to say that I'm really sorry about our fight. I don't even care who was at fault. I just hope you're not still mad. Quinn - I could never stay mad at you, Sandi. Sandi - Good. So you'll be at my party next Saturday. I mean, it wouldn't be the same without you, Quinn. Guys - (chanting) Saturday, Saturday, Saturday! Quinn - Saturday? But that's the same night as the dance. Guys - (chanting) Dance, dance, dance! Sandi - You're kidding! I forgot all about the dance. Gee, that's too, too bad. I mean, I can't un-order all that free pizza. Guys - Pizza? Cool! Quinn - Well, I can't un-order, um, the free soda and tacos I was going to order . Guys - Tacos? All right! Sandi - Outdoor turbo-jet hot tub. Quinn - Preferred seating for the popular. Sandi - Green Bay on big screen! Quinn - D.J. on dance floor! Sandi - Miniskirt! Quinn - Strapless! Both - (to guys) Well?!! Jeffy - My head hurts! Jamie - Mine, too.

Joey - Oh, man! (guys groan) (at Daria's house) SSW Announcer - What deadly new diseases can you pick up by sitting down? Toilet seat terror next, on Sick, Sad World. Daria - Need someone to count it for you? Quinn - A hundred dollars. It's yours. All you have to do is be my dance committ ee. Daria - Put away the cash; I'll do it for free. Quinn - You will?! Daria - Sure. And after that, we can play Mystery Date and have a taffy pull. Quinn - (dramatically) My own flesh and blood, Daria. My own flesh and blood. Jane - Not so fast. Daria - What? Jane - What's the budget? You know, for food, music... decorations? Quinn - A thousand dollars... well, minus this discretionary fund. Jane - The time has come to reach out and bond with my fellow classmates. Organi zing a dance is the best way to say "Jane Lane wants to be your friend." Quinn - Whatever. Let's divide everything up. This is what you're responsible fo r. Jane - Decorations, furniture rentals, food, music. You're in charge of, uh...? Quinn - Lots of things. Any questions? Jane - How many people...? Quinn - Oops, date's here. Gotta go! (leaves) Daria - Does this have any connection with that big art piece you want to do? Jane - A thousand dollars can buy a lot of paint. Daria - But what about our dancing classmates? Jane - Ah, put this aside for a bag of chips and a boombox. (in Mr. O'Neill's classroom) Mr. O'Neill - Now, um, Janet, I know that you're... Jane! Thank you for stopping by. Jane - (sleepy) Sorry, late. No sleep two days. (collapses on desk)

Mr. O'Neill - By the way, did Quinn give you my list of suggestions? Jane - (sleepy) Who? Mr. O'Neill - I just thought a dramatic reading would be a nice break. You know, in between all the "rocking out"... (Jane snores) (at the dance) Mr. O'Neill - Um, Janet... I mean, Miss Janet. Ooh! No! That is... Ms. Barch - Come on, skinny, let's dance! Jodie - See how the hands grip the steering wheel, like he still thinks he could drive his way out of it? Mack - Yeah. Maybe he could if his arms were attached. Daria - I hate to tell you this, but your conceptual piece is a big hit. Jane - Couldn't just let me enjoy the moment, could you? Althought I am impresse d you braved a high school dance to support the arts. Daria - I've come, I've seen, let's go. Upchuck - And now, ladies, take your man by the hand and climb aboard the roller -coaster to love. (growls) Daria - You made Upchuck the deejay? Jane - I figured it was best to keep him out of circulation. Plus, he had all th e right qualifications. Daria - He volunteered. Jane - Bingo. (Quinn enters with Corey and another guy) Quinn - I can't believe Mr. O'Neill said he'd give me detention if I didn't come to this stupid dance. I mean, have you seen the way people dress in detention? (both agree with Quinn) Quinn - Oh, no! What did she do to the gym? Guys, I'm really thirsty. Can you ge t me some punch now? (to Jane) What's this about? Jane - Being young, carefree, having your whole life ahead of you and dancing th e night away to celebrate. Oh, and the untimely death of Jackson Pollock. Quinn - Great! Some friend of yours bites it in a car crash and you take it out on me. My life is over, okay? Daria - You've done well. Corey - Cool decorations, Quinn. Quinn - Really?

Guy - Yeah. You're a really good painter. Quinn - Thanks! Come on, let's dance. Corey - Which one of us? Quinn - Both, silly! Upchuck - And if you luscious lovelies out there are wondering what effect you h ave on Charles Ruttheimer III why... you make me want to shout! Jane - She's gonna take all the credit, isn't she? Daria - It's the thing she does best. That, and avoiding lipstick teeth. Brittany - Doesn't Robert look handsome tonight? Mack - Stunning. Robert - Thank you, ma'am. Brittany - So, where's Kevin? Not that I care. Jodie - He's at Sandi's party. Brittany - (whimpers) Come, Robert, let us dance! Robert - Yes, ma'am. (at Sandi's house) TV Announcer - And so, while the Broncos remain snowbound outside Denver Interna tional Airport, we're pleased to bring you this encore presentation of "50 Years of Off-Broadway Choreography." Jamie - (turns TV off) Guys, this, um, uh... Jeffy - Sucks? Jamie - Yeah. Joey - Hey Sandi, is Quinn coming over? Kevin - And where's Brittany? Not that I care. Sandi - I believe they're at the dance. You know, with the losers. Now, who want s to try out those new jets in my hot tub? Jeffy - Um, I'll go change. (guys sneak out) (at the dance) Girl - They look terrible out there. Angie - We have to tell her for her own good. Brittany - Isn't Robert a dreamy dancer? Much better than Kevin.

Angie - Brittany, honey... (whispering) your date dances like a big geek and I t hought you should know. (Brittany squeals and runs off) Jane - Uh-oh. We've been spotted. Daria - Well, I don't feel like talking to anyone. Jane - That's a shocker. Don't worry, I'll get rid of them. Brad - Hi. Cool decorations, huh? Jane - Have a seat. Daria - That's telling them. Brad - I'm Brad, and this is my brother, Brett. We're from Cumberland High. Jane - What are you doing here? Brett - We travel around on weekends trying to find a high school more screwed u p than ours. Jane - And? Brad - Congratulations. Your trophy will arrive in six to ten business days. Upchuck - Now let's slow things down so we can heat things up, if you get my dri ft. (growls) (Quinn's dates both try to slow dance with her) Quinn - Ewww! (pushes them away) Get your big, sweaty hands off of me! I don't s low dance until after the fifth date. (runs outside) Jeffy - Hi, Quinn. Want to dance? Joey - Dance with me first! Quinn - How come you guys aren't at Sandi's party? Jamie - It, um... Joey - Sucked. Jamie - Sucked. Quinn - Gee, that's too, too bad. Robert - I'm sorry you're not feeling well, ma'am. Are you hungry ? Can I drive you anywhere? Uh, how about... Brittany - Thanks, Robert, but I just want to go home. Robert - I got you the wrong color corsage, didn't i? (Kevin drives up) If the c hocolates were too chocolate, just tell me. (Brittany grabs Robert in a lip-lock)

Brett - You know, we really should say something about that guacamole on the flo or before someone else sprains their ankle. Daria - Yeah, we really should. Jane - Mmm. Brad - So, I was reading this book on Jeffrey Dahmer... (in the parking lot) Robert - Hey, Kevin! (Kevin grabs Robert) Oof! Kevin - No one messes with my girlfriend but me! Die! (Kevin and Robert begin fighting) Quinn - Boy, those guys must really like Brittany a lot to fight over her. Jamie - Hey! What's the big idea taking Quinn to the dance? Joey - Yeah, that's our job! (Three J's begin fighting with Corey and Quinn's other date) Quinn - Oh, dear. (at Sandi's house) Sandi - Where are all the guys? I mean, how long does it take them to change? Tiffany - I heard a bunch of cars leaving earlier. Sandi - Well, why didn't you say anything?! Tiffany - I figured they belonged to a really big family. Stacy - Ew, look! I'm getting all pruney! Sandi - Stacy, that is so unattractive. I can't believe you even showed me. Come on, let's change and go to the dance... unless Stacy has something else really gross to show us. (Sandi pulls on locked door while Sam and Chris watch TV) (at the dance) Brad - So, you guys want to go to Joe's Diner? The food's inedible and one of th e waiters is a schizophrenic. Jane - Think we can we get in? Brett - Cool. Let me tell Chuck so he can meet up with us later. Daria - Wait, you're friends with Upchuck? Brad - He's our cousin. We came to see his D.J. act. (Brett growls like Upchuck)

Jane - Um, I think I have to be somewhere... Daria - I just remembered an appointment on the other side of town... (Jane and Daria retreat) (in the parking lot) Brittany - Oh, Kevvy, I only kissed Robert to get even with you for kissing Zoe, it didn't mean anything, and now I know you do love me and you really mean it w hen you say smart doesn't matter, although I think I'm smarter than you think I am, although I know I'm not smarter than the really smart-smart people, so I for give you! Kevvy? Kevvy? (Kevin mumbles) Paramedic - Son, I wouldn't try to talk with that broken jaw. Brittany - A broken jaw? For me? (kisses Kevin) (Kevin screams) (walking home from the dance) Daria - Let's do the math one more time. Your dance decorations were a huge hit. Jane - Plus. Daria - But my sister managed to take complete credit for them. Jane - Minus. Daria - We hung out with a couple of guys who weren't so bad. Jane - Plus. Daria - But they turned out to be carriers of the dreaded Ruttheimer gene. Jane - Big minus. Daria - So, we're more or less even on the night. Jane - Darn. And it came so close to turning out semi-decent. (snow begins to fall) Sandi - (pounds on door) Come on, you little punk, open up! Open this door! You little brat! Tiffany - Oh, my God, let us in! Hello? (Stacy whimpers) Both - Plus! (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts The Lost Girls Episode #305 Written by Neena Beber (opening theme song) (at school) Mr. O'Neill - Daria! You'll never guess who's waiting by the phone to hear from you! Daria - That's why they took away my psychic hotline. Mr. O'Neill - It's... oh, my gosh! This is much too public. Sorry, Jane, but I'm sworn to secrecy. Jane - I'm sorry, your name again? (in the teacher's lounge) Mr. O'Neill - Okay, I'll tell you who we're calling. It's Val! You know, the Val . As in, "Val." (into phone) Val, please. This is Timothy O'Neill, Daria Morgend orffer's writing mentor. Of course I'll hold. (to Daria) Val is coming to Lawnda le High to spend a whole day with you! Daria, haven't you heard of Val? Daria - The only Val I can think of is the editor of that stupid teen magazine. Mr. O'Neill - Yes! She loved your essay, "My So-Called Angst." Daria - How did she see it? Mr. O'Neill - I sent it to her and it won the "Spend a Day With Val" contest! (i nto phone) Hello, Val? Timothy O'Neill, Lawndale High. I have your star writer r ight here and she is dying to talk to you! Daria - (into phone) Hello. Yes. No. It just isn't. I guess I can't stop you. Se e you then. Bye. (hangs up) Mr. O'Neill - Remember, we have to keep this a secret. Val wants to come to Lawn dale incognito. We won, Daria. We won! (hugs Daria) Daria - Lawsuit. Mr. O'Neill - Sorry! (quickly lets go) (in the hallway) Daria - "What TV's Hottest Hunks Really Think About Your Blackheads." She puts h er name on this crap? Jane - Quite a few times. "Val talks to today's brightest young stars about why they love Val." Isn't Val magazine published in New York City? Daria - So...? Jane - So wouldn't a trip to New York sweeten the pot? Daria - But Val's coming here. I'm not going there.

Jane - Not yet, you're not. Mr. Li - (over P.A.) Daria Morgendorffer, please report to the principal's offic e for a routine, ordinary conference. Oh, this is so exciting! (in Ms. Li's office) Ms. Li - Ms. Morgendorffer, do you have any idea how big an honor this is? Daria - This whole thing was supposed to be a secret. Ms. Li - Daria, think of a giant eyeball. That's the public eye. When the public eye is turned on our little corner of the universe, how do we want to look? Daria - Blech. Ms. Li - Blech? Daria - Giant eyeballs. Creepy. Ms. Li - Now, I have a few ideas on how we can make Val's visit here a special o ne. Daria - School Colors Day? Are you trying to give the public eyeball conjunctivi tis? (at Daria's house) SSW Announcer - Brought back from the grave by black magic, but no one taught th em to cross at the green! The jaywalking dead, next on Sick, Sad World. Jake - Hey, kiddo. What do you think? Daria - (tastes chili) Chili con... cheese puffs? Jake - I got the recipe from Val magazine. The mint was my addition. It's a fres h sprig! Helen - Jake, what is that? (tastes chili) Cheese puffs? Jake - It's the favorite of some guy named Matt. Helen - Help me set the table before Val gets here. Daria - We're eating in the dining room? We never eat in the dining room. Quinn - "Spotlight: Lawndale Fashion Club - A Val Magazine Special Photo Spread. " What do you think? Daria - I think the world's gone mad. Mad, I tell you. Quinn - This is our chance to be the next international style center. Daria - Paris. New York. Milan. Lawndale. Quinn - Before that, that grunge, Seattle was just another city in our nation's capital. Daria - Wrong Washington.

Quinn - Yes, grunge was wrong, but you can't blame the whole state. Daria - Welcome to Lawndale, where style meets substance and says, "see ya!" (at the front door) Helen - Val! Welcome to our home! Val - Oh, my God, it's perfect! It's so real. I am so jiggy with my idea of spen ding a day with a typical heartland teen. And you! You must be my brilliant Dari a. Quinn - Actually, uh... Daria - Over here, Val. (in the dining room) Val - And then I said, "Do you think it's easy being a wunderkind?" and Leo was like, "Yeah, I know," and we just sort of soul-bonded and head-clicked right awa y, and I gave Fiona my lyrics and she was like, "Val, you are so wise. I am so g lad to know you," and Nonie and Drew said, "The magazine has to be you so everyo ne can know you like we do," and that's how I started Val. We're young, but wise ; edgy, but full of heart... like me, Val! Helen - That is fascinating! Quinn - Speaking of "edgy," Val, I've got an idea for a fashion article. See... Jake - "Edgy..." I keep hearing that word from my clients. Everyone wants "edgy. " What is it? Val - "Edgy" is going right up to the edge of the cliff and being able to see al l the way down, and dancing anyway. Jake - What the hell does that mean? Helen - How do you like the chili, Val? Val - It rocks! Are these cheese puffs? Jake - I got the recipe from your magazine. Is it edgy? Val - We only do edgy. That's what drew me to Daria's essay, "My So-Called Angst ." I'm sure Daria can tell you all about edgy. She is it, and I mean "it" with a capital I-T. Helen - Daria, you've barely said a word. Val - Yeah, Daria, tell your dad what edgy is. Daria - As far as I can make out, edgy occurs when middlebrow, middle-aged profi teers are looking to suck the energy -- not to mention the spending money -- out of the "youth culture." So they come up with this fake concept of seeming to be dangerous when every move they make is the result of market research and a corp orate master plan. Helen - Jake, honey, is this mint in here?

Jake - Yeah! Fresh sprig! Val - I love this girl! Is she smart, or what? Where'd you sharpen that mind of yours, Daria? That's edgy! Jake - What is? (at the front door) Helen - Are you sure you won't stay here tonight, Val? We were so looking forwar d to it! Val - Thanks for the offer, but I thought since I'm in town I might as well chec k out the Grand Regency Hotel. It's four stars. Daria - Wow, that is living life on the edge. Helen - In town? That hotel is an hour away. Val - My driver doesn't mind. See you tomorrow, girlfriend. Quinn - Bye! Helen - Bye, Val. Jake - Bye, girlfriend. (Val leaves) Helen - She seems very nice. I think you'll have a great time together tomorrow. Jake - What did you think, Quinn? Quinn - Um, was she a little old for that outfit? Daria - She's a little old for that brain. Helen - Try not to be too negative, Daria. Daria - I'm not being negative, I'm being edgy. Jake - What is this word? What does it mean? Somebody explain it to me! (doorbell chimes) Val - Hi, girlfriend. I am, like, beyond psyched. This is going to be too much f un. Are you just so jiggy with this? Daria - Oh, yeah. (at school) Val - Oh, no -- do you think all those people are there to see me? Daria - That would be interesting, since no one knows you're here. Reporter - Val! Meg Rosata, channel 4 news. Mind if we follow you around for a w hile? Val - I'm sorry, but today I'm just a regular Lawndale High student. I don't kno

w how you found out about this, but please, no cameras. Reporter - But your office called to say you'd be here! Val - Darn it! They must have misunderstood my "no publicity" edict. That is so wack! I'm sure you're more interested in my student escort, Daria. Reporter - Val, how about a few words on your impressions of Lawndale so far? Val - Lawndale rocks! Reporter - That's great! (into camera) Lawndale High may be a typical American s econdary school, but today is anything but typical... Val - Being famous can be such a spiraling-down drag. I never wanted to give up my privacy, you know, Daria? Daria - Sure, Val. That would be why you named your magazine "Val." (in the hallway) Val - So, I think our strategy should be we basically just hang, and I'll come u p with some ear candy, and you'll write about your day with me, Val, and I'll wr ite about Val's day with you, and we'll really get at the hidden heart of high s chool. Are you with? Daria - Uh... Jane - (walks past) New York, New York... it's a hell of a town. Daria - Um, New York City must be very stimulating for a writer. All that cultur e and literary tradition? Val - New York? Great parties. Hey, Daria, why is everyone wearing blue and yell ow? Daria - It's School Colors Day. Just a random event inspired by school spirit. I t's got nothing to do with your visit, which, of course, is a huge secret. Val - You should have told me! I want to fit in while I'm here. (dials phone) Daria - Therein lies the difference between us. Val - (into phone) George, I'm going to need a wardrobe change. Pull something y ellow and blue and jiggy. I don't know -- call a courier or ask the concierge. ( hangs up) I hope no one acts differently around me, but you'll let me know, righ t, Daria? Brittany - Oh, there's Daria! Let's say hi to our buddy Daria. Kevin - Daria? Our buddy? Brittany - Kevin, we love Daria! Hi, you! Daria! It's me, your friend, Brittany. Daria - Oh, gee, Brittany. I'm glad I ran into you. I've decided to try out for the cheerleading squad. Would you mind sponsoring me? Brittany - Um... sure thing, Daria. Daria - Nope, they're not acting differently at all. Hey, how come you're not we

aring blue and yellow? Brittany - It's School Colors Day, Daria! Kevin - Yeah. We're not colorful enough for you? Daria - It's my own fault for getting lured into conversation. Brittany - Aren't you going to introduce us to your new friend? Daria - Oh, she's, um, a friend. Val - Oh, Daria, we might as well give it up. I'm just too recognizable. Okay, i t's me, Val. Yes, the Val, as in Val. Brittany - You're kidding! I love Val! Kevin - You know each other? Val - How about doing a cheer for America's coolest young women, my readers? Brittany - Um, okay. Give me a "V"! Give me an "A"! Give me an "L"... gosh, that 's short. Val - Maybe I should write about cheerleading as the new yoga. Last year I did y oga as the new cheerleading, but I'm ready for a different spin. Pretty good for a 28-year-old, huh? Daria - Twenty-eight? Val - I know, I know. People still think I'm, like, 16. When Drew and I go out c lubbing I'm always the one who gets carded. Daria - These clubs -- are they very, very dark? Val - Oh, it's so cool to be back in school! (in Mr. O'Neill's class) Mr. O'Neill - And so, in The Sound and the Fury, Faulkner give us a veritable ka leidoscope of P.O.V.s -- points of view. Of course, the title itself is from Sha kespeare. Can anyone tell me which of the Bard's tragedies? Daria? Daria - Macbeth. Mr. O'Neill - That's right. The Scottish play! "Life's but a walking shadow, a p oor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then... is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury..." (chuckles) "... signifying nothing." Yes, Val. Val - I'd be happy to take a few questions. Mr. O'Neill - Oh. Okay, sure. Brittany - Val, how'd you get started? Val - Well, I was a bit like Daria. I wrote all the time. I was smart, I was coo l... Kevin - But Daria's not cool.

Val - Anyone who writes like that is cool in my book. And my book is called Val, on sale at your local newsstand. Next? Yes. Jodie - Don't you think Val could try harder to present a multicultural, multi-e thnic, less brain-dead point of view to enlighten girls instead of just marketin g to them? Val - What's your name? Jodie - Jodie. Val - Jodie, you've got great sassy energy! Now let me turn it back on you. Pea green nail polish: edgy or icky? What do you guys think? Daria - "Edgy" and "icky" are so hard to tell apart these days. Val - Exactly! Wack! Daria - Is there a duck in here? (Jane raises her hand) Val - You're on! Jane - Wouldn't it be cool to have a real high school student research that topi c in New York City? Val - Interesting idea; I'll write it down. Jane - And so the seed is planted. Daria - Biology metaphor: icky. Val - Now, who has a dating problem they'd like to discuss? (Mr. O'Neill raises his hand) (in the hallway) Val - I was so good in there! I should be doing this on TV. I could have my own show. Daria - I know, you can call it Val. Val - Cool, Dar! I am so down with that. I better phone my agent. This being a t ypical high schooler for a day is so fun! (dials phone) Daria - Mmm... although, real high schoolers don't call their agents until after lunch. Sandi - Quinn, I'm confused. You said you had a close relationship with Val. So why is she hanging out with that girl who lives with you? Quinn - Oh, don't worry about that, Sandi. Val happens to be doing a special unp opularity issue. Come on, let's go talk to her. Val - (into phone) Yeah, I see it as a 9:00 show but there's some flexibility th ere; work something up. Oh, and make sure the networks know that I'm blonde now, okay? (hangs up) Who are you?

Daria - It's me, Val, Dar. Val - Oh, I forgot where I was for a sec. Quinn - Hi, Val. These are my fellow Fashion Club members. Tiffany - Hi. Sandi - How goes it? Stacy - Hi. Val - Finally, some popular people. Just kidding, Dar! Quinn - Val, we've dressed to show the best of Lawndale chic. Note the simplicit y, the bounciness, the overall cuteness. Val - You guys aren't wearing yellow and blue. Sandi - Um, Val? Sandi Griffin, Fashion Club president. If I may? Val - Yes? Sandi - Mixing primaries during daylight hours? Not done. Val - It isn't? Um, excuse me. I'll be right back. (runs off) Quinn - Oh... (in the hallway) Jane - So, you finally managed to shake Gidget, huh? Daria - No one can survive an assault by the Fashion Club. Val - (into phone) Doctorate, shmoctorate. Just tell them I won't accept the awa rd unless Neve presents it to me, period. Yo, there's my girlfriend, got to go! Dar! Jane - No one of our world, you mean. (in the cafeteria) Val - Do you think it's flighty to keep changing my outfit? Or is it one of the inalienable rights that come with being a teenage girl in the U.S. of A.? Daria - Maybe it's just stupid. Jane - No, it's fun -- like you, Val! Val - Thanks. Don't you want to sit at the popular table? Daria - You said to do what we normally do. Val - So listen, Dar. I've been getting like, this vibe around here. Am I to und erstand that you're not popular at all? Daria - That's right. I don't even have a clique.

Val - But you're... cool, right? Jane - She's really cool. But think how much cooler she could be if she had a ch ance to soak up more of your mentorish energy. Like, in New York City. Val - Hey, didn't you mention New York before? Jane - I just think that to really flesh out this story, Daria should spend a da y with you, in your environment, experiencing your exciting life from her typica l teen perspective. Daria - Really, Jane, that's all right. I think Val and I have hung out enough t o last a lifetime. Val - That's called soul bonding, Daria, but hold on. I think your only friend, Jane, is on to something. I like this dual P.O.V. Thing, don't you? Daria - Just like The Sound and the Fury... especially The Fury. Val - Exactly! It'll be Faulknerian and Shakespearean and mainly Valian. You'll hang out with me for one glorious day in your otherwise humdrum life! Daria - Thanks, Jane. Jane - At your service... Dar. Ms. Li - (over P.A.) Daria Morgendorffer, please report to the principal's offic e immediately. And if, um, you happen to have anyone with you -- a guest or some thing -- of course they're welcome to come, too. Val - Jiggy! Daria - Oh. (in Ms. Li's office) Ms. Li - I just wanted to make sure your visit to Lawndale High has been everyth ing you hoped it would be. Val - This place rocks! Ms. Li - Also, I was wondering... what's Garth Brooks really like? Val - Don't know him -- but check out Skeet's underwear spread in my next issue. We're talking hot. How do you want yours signed? Ms. Li - Oh, any old way. "To Angela Li. To my friend, Angela Li. To a good frie nd and a great educator, Angela Li." Val - Cool. Daria, you're taking notes, right? Ms. Li - Yes, Daria, this is an educational opportunity for you. Daria - Oh, I'm learning quite a bit. Val - (phone rings) Excuse me. (into phone) Go ahead, you got Val. Oh, hey, Noni e, honey. What? What? He what? With Gwynnie? That slut! Are you sure? No, of cou rse you had to tell me. (hangs up) Ms. Li - Everything all right?

Val - I am Val, as in Val. I am Val, as in Val. Fine... fine. Ms. Li - Now, you'll note the school spirit evidenced by the blue and yellow out fits. Where does that school spirit come from, you say? In my years as an educat or... Val - I am Val, as in Val. I am Val, as in Val. Ms. Li - Can I get you some water? Val - Go ahead, I'm fine. Ms. Li - In my years as an educator, I... Val - I'll just be a sec. I need to make a phone call. (leaves) Ms. Li - It's going very well, wouldn't you say? Daria - We haven't actually come to blows yet. Ms. Li - She does seem a bit high-strung. You know, Daria, the creative temperam ent can be a roller-coaster ride of tempestuous emotions. I remember my own brie f career as a dancer... Val - (offscreen) What do you mean she wants to have your baby?! Ms. Li - As I was saying, as an aspiring young ballerina... Val - (offscreen) You don't know how it happened? How do you think it happened, you ungrateful teen heartthrob cheese ball? A pitcherful of fuzzy navels and sun set on your freaking deck in Malibu! The same way it happened with me! Daria - Um, you were saying? Ms. Li - Yes, I, uh... Val - (offscreen) You used me to get into Val magazine! I made you, and I can un make you! You are neither hot nor a hunk, you soon-to-be has-been! (in the teacher's lounge) Val - So I said, "This is Val talking, not just some ordinary teen loser from Lo serville." Daria - Mmm. Val - Anyway, I am through with famous guys. I'm sticking with fashion designers and studio heads, at least for the time being. Daria - Mmm. Val - Waterproof eye makeup is so important, Dar. And glitter -- I'm really into glitter these days. It makes everyone feel like a star. Are you getting this, D ar? Why don't you read me back your notes? Daria - Okay. "What am I doing here? How am I going to get through this? Dear Go d, help me." Val - Wow, you are so existential. But didn't you write down anything I said? (p

hone rings) Hang on. (into phone) You got Val, go. How can I not appeal to their demographic? They are so wack -- I am their demographic. They wouldn't know edg y if it bit them in the butt. Oh, confirm my hair color appointment and facial f or tomorrow, would you? And work up a schedule for my girlfriend Dar's visit. Th anks for saving my life, helpmate. (hangs up) I'm zonked. Collaborating is hard, don't you think? Daria - How would I know? Val - Sorry about all those phone calls. Daria - Oh, I think of it as being a witness to history. Anyway, it isn't every day your boyfriend dumps you for a starlet. Val - I was not dumped! And I'm much more famous than that B-list pseudo-celebri ty. Not that the suits who control the airwaves would know. Sometimes I feel lik e the whole adult world is against youth culture. Daria - Except the adults making a nice, fat living off of it. Val - What do you mean? Daria - What do you mean? What do you mean pushing yourself as some kind of role model when all you care about is how you look and what celebrities you know? Ar en't teenage girls screwed up enough without you foisting your shallow values on them and making their lousy self-images worse? Val - Now look here, missy. I mean, what are you, Dar, a teacher? I am a role mo del! I'm in touch with the teen within. Daria - Why don't you get in touch with the 30-something without? Your readers a ren't going to be teenagers forever, unlike you. A real role model would be teac hing them stuff they can use. Val - 30-something?! You know, I came here to do an article on a smart girl who' s cool, because smart is cool. But cool is cool, too, and smart that doesn't get cool isn't so smart, is it? You can forget about New York, Daria. You know, dee p down you're nothing but a... a... Daria - A brain? Val - You almost made me say it! (leaves, then sticks head back in) I don't real ly look like I'm 30-something, do I? (in the hallway) Jane - So you're not going to write an article for Val. How's Mr. O'Neill taking it? Daria - I think he understood after I handed in my essay about spending the day with a totally self-absorbed egomaniacal teen magazine editor doing the work of the devil. Jodie - Hey, Daria, did you see the latest Val? Jane - "My Day With D.: A disturbing true-life look at America's underground bum mer culture." Wonder what this could be about. Jodie - It gets worse.

Jane - "Recently, I spent an entire day hanging out with a disturbing girl I sha ll refer to only as 'D'." Hmm... "Unenthusiastic, unpopular, cynical, D. just do esn't understand how great it is to be a teen. In fact, she may be the anti-teen ." Jodie - I'm afraid everyone's going to know that's you, Daria. Daria - Hey, I'm jiggy with it. (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts It Happened One Nut Episode #306 Written by Rachel Lipman (opening theme song) (at school - Mr. DeMartino's class) Mr. DeMartino - All right. Here are the results of your career aptitude tests. P erhaps they'll help you avoid whiskey-soaked decades wondering what might have b een if only you'd had the guts to follow your dream of a life at sea. Daria - That's right, let it out. Jane - Just make sure you clean up after. Mr. DeMartino - My congratulations, Miss Lane. You've done it again. Jane - Perfect record. I've gotten the same thing three years in a row. Daria - Accountant? Jane - That's what happens when you fill in the letter "C" for every answer. Get s the whole test over within five minutes. Daria - You mean you didn't even try to answer the questions? Jane - Questions? What questions? What did you get? Daria - Let's see. (looks at sheet and frowns) Jane - Don't worry about it. How much can they tell from a standardized test? I' ve had fortune cookies that were more accurate. Kevin - Petroleum dispen... dispensation? Hey, I'm going to be an oil typhoon! Brittany - Oh, Kevvy, that's great! Mr. DeMartino - Sound it out, Kevin. This says you'll be pumping gas at a fillin g station. Kevin - I'm going to be a gas jockey for the rest of my life? Brittany - Eww!

Jane - Then again, sometimes these tests can be absolutely uncanny. (at Daria's house) Quinn - (clears throat) Does anyone notice anything special about me? Daria - Yes. From just the right angle, I really can see through your head. Helen - Daria, please. What are we supposed to notice, honey? Quinn - My neck! I got my career aptitude test results at school today, and they said I have a future as a neck model for jewelry catalogues. Daria - So your head would serve as sort of an accent piece. Helen - I think it's wonderful that you're thinking about the future, Quinn, but you've got far more to offer than your neck. Daria - Yes, what about the untapped potential of your shapely wrists? Helen - Daria, did you take a career aptitude test? Daria - I don't remember. Helen - So I have to call the school to get your results. Daria - If you so choose. Helen - Or maybe I'll just drop by in person, bring you a surprise snack for you r lunch box, pop into class and give it to you myself. Daria - All right, all right. That's check and mate. (sighs heavily and hands pa per to Helen) Helen - A mortician?! Daria - Hey, it's not my fault. Neck model was already taken. Helen - "Your lack of interest in personal interaction makes you an ideal candid ate for working with the dead." Daria, have you given any thought to your career plans? Daria - I guess I'll just wait around for people to kick the bucket. Helen - I can't believe you're not more ambitious. Daria - You want me to kill people to drum up business? Helen - Daria... (Jake enters kitchen) Quinn - Daddy, can I have some money for pictures of my neck? Jake - Why, sure, honey! Pictures of your neck -- great idea! I'll just run down to the bank right now... Helen - Jake! You're not giving Quinn any money. Jake - Can I go to the bank, anyway?

Helen - Sit down, Jake. Quinn - But I need $500 to put together a portfolio. Helen - Quinn, if you want that kind of money, you can take a job and earn it. Quinn - A job? But the stress could put wrinkles on my neck. Helen - Tell me about it. And if Quinn's getting a job, Daria, you can get one, too. I want you to get an idea of what the working world is about so you can tak e an interest in your future. Daria - And give up studying for the priesthood? Helen - It says on this form that they have peer counseling at your school. Eith er you get a job, or you get some counseling to improve your people skills. Daria - Well, I guess counseling would take up less of my time. Quinn - Daddy, I don't have any work clothes. Can I have $500 for some new outfi ts? Jake - Is that the doorbell? (at school - social skills counselling room) Daria - (surprised at seeing Tiffany) Oh. Tiffany - You're that girl from Quinn's house. Daria - Are you getting counseling, too? Tiffany - (trance-like) I'm the counselor. It's volunteer work... to help the so cially... challenged. Daria - You're going to counsel me? Of course. It's some kind of cosmic payback for being too ironic. Okay. Is this going to take long? Tiffany - (begins reading very slowly) "You... too... can learn to... make..." Daria - Yes? Tiffany - "... friends. Making... friends..." Daria - Why don't I read that to myself? That way, we can both be out of here be fore we graduate. Tiffany - "Making friends... is..." Daria - (taps foot impatiently) Fun? Interesting? Impossible? Tiffany - "... important. Friends can be... very..." (clock ticks from 3:00 to 3:01) Daria - Useful? Supportive? Purple? What?! Tiffany - You made me lose my place. (grunts softly in frustration) Let's see... "Making friends... is... important..."

(at the mall) Daria - Now they're making me look for a job. Jane - I thought you said they gave you a choice. Daria - It's been 24 hours since I met with Tiffany. As far as I know, she's sti ll there counseling me. Jane - So what kind of job are you thinking about? Daria - The kind that's already been taken. They said I had to look for a job; t hey didn't say I had to find one. Jane - Yeah, I don't even see any jobs available. (glances around at all the "he lp wanted" signs) Daria - Well, no sense pushing our luck. Cheese fries? Jane - Sounds good. (at Daria's house) Helen - Daria, how did the job hunt go? Daria - It was really rough. I looked everywhere and couldn't find a single thin g. Helen - How can that be? Unemployment is at a record low. Daria - That's the problem. Everybody's working and all the jobs are filled. Quinn - (enters room) Guess what? I found a job at the first place I looked: the pet store in the mall. Daria - Are you sure it's a job? Maybe they're just trying to find you a good ho me. Quinn - And I've only got one night to coordinate my animal print nail polish. ( leaves) Helen - Daria, you're not dedicated to finding a job at all, are you? Daria - On the contrary. I'm willing to spend as long as it takes: weeks, months , years... Jake - (enters room) Hey, Daria! I got you job! (at the nut stand) Manager - Frankly, Daria, this is not what I consider an ideal situation. Daria - That's funny, I'm in heaven. Manager - Because your father consults for our national office, my regional mana ger asked me to give you a tryout. But quite honestly, I don't like nepotism, an d I don't like cronyism. Daria - Where do you stand on vandalism?

Manager - You get the same chance as everyone else: no more, no less. I need my workers to think, sleep, eat and breathe nuts! Only those who make it through my rigorous screening process are fit to represent my merchandise to the public. Kevin - (enters room) Hey, hey, how's it going? I'm here to apply for a job. Manager - Can you bag nuts? Kevin - Sure! Manager - You're hired. Kevin - Cool! Hey, Daria. (at the nut stand) Manager - Each customer must be greeted with our trademark slogan: "Welcome to I t's a Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World. We're just nuts about nuts. Crunch nuts with yo ur lunch. Buy them by the bunch. Send them to friends far away to munch." Now re peat that so I know you've learned it. Daria - (simultaneously with Kevin) Welcome to It's a Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World. We're just nuts about nuts. Kevin - (simultaneously with Daria) Have some nuts. Crunch munch nuts. World of. .. nuts. Manager - You almost had that. Try again, after me. "Welcome to It's a Nutty, Nu tty, Nutty World." Kevin - Uh, like, welcome to Nuts World? Manager - Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World. Kevin - Uh, Nuts World, Nutty, Nutty, um... uh, Lunch? Manager - No! Kevin - Hey, don't worry. I'll get it right for the customers. Manager - Just don't forget to smile. Remember our guarantee: "If we don't smile , the nuts are free." And those free nuts come out of your paychecks. So, c'mon, smile big, wide, let's seem them. (Kevin flashes large grin; Daria smiles very briefly) Manager - Let's take a break. (mumbles as he leaves) Daria - Let me guess. This is your way of moving up from pumping gas. Kevin - Yeah, I mean, that test was like a wake-up call. I got to think about th e future. I need a serious job with, like, a serious career path. Daria - (examines squirrel hat) This is serious, all right. (at the pet store) Mr. Matthews - You've got to take special care of the animals. Believe me, when you neglect them, they don't let you forget it. (points to his bandaged ear)

Quinn - Eww! Uh, Mr. Matthews, are you sure these animals are safe? Mr. Matthews - Oh, sure they are. Wouldn't hurt a fly, not even Joanne. Quinn - Joanne? Mr. Matthews - My $1,000 prize boa constrictor. Quinn - (sees snake) Aah! Don't you have any cuter animals here? Those are the o nes I aspire to work with. Mr. Matthews - I'll introduce you to everyone. Those are Maria and Pedro, my two iguanas. They need exactly three and a quarter teaspoons of water every 45 minu tes. These are my canaries. Be sure not to breathe too hard on them. Travis, Mav is, Venus, Elvis, Chloris, Clovis and Posh. Got the names? Quinn - Oh, yes. Mr. Matthews - Great. Then come meet the goldfish. (at the nut stand) Manager - Okay, kids, let's do some business. Remember, no unauthorized personne l behind the counter. And most of all, smile, smile, smile, or the nuts are free . (leaves) Kevin - Whoa, free nuts. (grabs handful of nuts and starts chewing) Daria - Uh, Kevin, he meant for the customers. Kevin - Huh? (customer approaches) Daria - Welcome to It's a Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World. We're just nuts... about nu ts. Crunch nuts with your lunch... Customer #1 - Yeah, can I get a bag of pistachios? Daria - Okay, hold on a second. (brief smile) There. (rings up sale) Kevin - Wow, you did it! You sold a bag of nuts. Daria - That's right, Kevin. I'm so happy you were here to share it with me. (customer approaches) Kevin - (around mouthfull of nuts) Hi! Welcome to Nutty World. (swallows) Hi, th ere. Welcome to Nutty World. We're just crunching our lunch and sending your nut s... uh, Daria, what comes next again? Daria - Bankruptcy court? Customer #2 - Can I get two pounds of almonds, please? Kevin - Sure thing, ma'am. Hey, Daria, which ones were the almonds, again? Daria - These. Right here. The ones with the sign that says "almonds" on them. T hat's the same word on the sign over there, with the picture of the almond on it

. Kevin - Oh, yeah, right, thanks. So where did you point again? Customer #2 - I'd like my nuts, please. Daria - Hang on. (rings up sale) (at the pet store) Quinn - Here, birdies, come get your birdseed. (opens cage and bird escapes) Oop s. Mr. Matthews - What was that? Did I hear you say "oops"? Oh, my God, I only see six canaries. Where's Travis? Quinn - Um, a nice old lady just walked in and bought him. She, um, uh, brought her own cage. Mr. Matthews - Fantastic! Keep up the good work, Quinn. (leaves) Quinn - (sighs) Great! Now I'm a whole bird further away from my photos. (puts m oney in register) (at the nut stand) Kevin - Wow! That's your third sale. I thought you brains only knew about school stuff, but, like, you know how to sell nuts, too. Amazing. Daria - Yes, Kevin. You'd be surprised how handy a command of basic literacy ski lls can be. (Brittany approaches) Brittany - Kevin, what are you doing? Angie told me she saw you here giving some lady a bag of nuts and smiling your head off. You know women can't resist your smiles. Kevin - But, babe, I got to smile at everyone. It's part of my job. (smiles) Brittany - Oh, Kevvy... it's just for the job, right? Kevin - Sure, babe, I promise. Brittany - Okay, but this sign says a smile. Just one. If I catch you giving mor e than one smile to a customer, you're quitting. Daria - Now you're making me smile. (beat) Figuratively speaking. (customer approaches) Customer #3 - I need four pounds of walnuts. Brittany - Do you think he's smiling at you because he wants to? He's not, you k now. They're making him. Customer #3 - Huh? Kevin - World of Crunch Lunch Nuts. Munch the nutty, nutty?

(at Daria's house) Helen - So how was the first day on the job? Quinn - It went great. The animals love me. Daria - I heard a canary got caught in the air filtration system at the mall. Yo u wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you? Quinn - Stop making things up. Besides, it wasn't really my fault. Jake - (sniffs) Hey, what's for dinner? Peanut butter sandwiches? Quinn - That's Daria. She smells like peanuts from her stupid job. Daria - I what? (sniffs) Oh, God. That explains those squirrels at the bus stop. Helen - While we're on the subject, tell us about your job, Daria. Daria - It went surprisingly well. Helen - Really? Daria - In fact, I doubt I can ever top today's performance. So I think I'll tak e early retirement, starting tomorrow. Helen - No, you won't. You're not quitting until you spend enough time there to realize your future is nothing to take for granted, right, Jake? Jake - Can we have our peanut butter sandwiches now? (at Jane's house) SSW Announcer - When aliens eat out, where do they relieve themselves? Extraterr estrial restaurant restrooms, tonight on Sick, Sad World. Daria - It's even worse than school. You're trapped in a much tighter space, the rules are stupider, and Kevin's very close. Jane - Should I come down and visit? Offer some moral support? Daria - You've already seen me in enough humiliating situations. Jane - So what would one more hurt? Misery loves company. Daria - You don't have to tell me that. It's the basis of our whole friendship. (sighs) All right, you can come. But don't let anyone else know. (Trent and Jesse enter) Trent - Hey, Janey. Hey, Daria. Daria - Mm, hey. Trent - Didn't you make some coffee last week? Jane - You look awful. What happened to you? Trent - Jesse and I were up all night trying to write a new song, but we only en ded up with one chord we like.

Jane - And which chord would that be? Jesse - "A" minor seventh. Trent - No, "A" diminished. Jesse - I'll get another cramp! Trent - (sniffs) Hey, that's weird. Suddenly, I'm in the mood for peanut brittle . (at the nut stand) Manager - Congratulations, Daria. Despite your $15 penalty for unsmiled nut sale s, you're our first salesperson of the day. Daria - I've always dreamt of the day my picture would hang in a nuthouse. Manager - Well, if you expect to keep it there, you'll have to remember to smile . (at the mall entrance) Jane - Thanks for the ride. I'm off to, um, get some art supplies. See ya. (star ts to leave) Trent - Okay. See ya. (to Jesse) Let's go hit that new nut stand. I've been crav ing honey-roasted peanuts all day. (Jane overhears and turns back) Jane - Getting a snack? Yum! Let's go snack somewhere. (at the pet store) Quinn - Let's see, you could take little Puddie-Pie, or there's little Fifi, and this puppy over here is Snuggles. Kid - (picks up and hugs puppy) I like this one. Quinn - Oh, no, that's Bark. (takes puppy) See, he's my favorite. Why don't you take Fifi instead? Kid - But I want the other one! Woman - What's going on here? Quinn - (sees snake cage is empty) Oh, no! Where's Joanne?! Woman - Who's Joanne? Quinn - Mr. Matthews said not to let the puppies' little paws touch the rough fl oor, so I put them on the lid from Joanne's cage. Woman - Who's Joanne? Quinn - How did she get over the side of the cage?! Don't boa constrictors have gravity?

(woman screams and runs out with kid) (in the mall) Jane - Come on, let's get some pizza, or tacos, or cheese sticks, or stuffed pit as, burgers, bagels, chicken fried BBQ buffalo wings? My treat. Trent - Janey, I've been thinking about peanuts all day. I've got to get some. T hey've, like, hijacked my brain. Jesse - "Moth to a flame." Both - Hey... Trent - "You've hijacked my brain." Jesse - "Moth to a flame." Trent - "If you don't release me..." Jesse - "It'll really be lame." Trent - No. Jesse - "I'll forfeit the game." Trent - Nah. Jesse - "My soul's waves of grain." Trent - I've heard that somewhere before. Jane - You're driving me insane! Trent - Too many syllables. (at the nut stand) Daria - (sees Trent, Jesse and Jane approaching) Oh, no. Cover for me, Kevin. I' ve got to take a break. Kevin - Wait, where are you going? Daria - Further into my personal hell. (goes into back room) Jane - Hey! I just remembered! Big string give-away at the guitar store, this wa y. Trent - "You've hijacked my brain..." Jesse - "Moth to a flame." Trent - "If you don't release me..." Jesse - "I'll go just the same." Both - (rhythmically) "Moth gonna fly, moth gonna fly, moth gonna fly from your love." Jane - Hey, look! Monster trucks and naked models! Naked, naked, naked!

Trent - All right, second verse. "It's my personal hell, where I roast in my she ll..." Jesse - "Roast in my shell?" Trent - Aw, man, I can't think straight till I get those peanuts. Kevin - Hey, uh, welcome, nuts. Munch a bunch of your nutty friend's lunch. Trent - Um... okay. I need some peanuts. Kevin - Cool. Um, peanuts. Peanuts... (yells) Hey, Daria! Where do we keep the p eanuts? Trent - Daria? Jane - Scrimmage injury. Kevin - Daria? Hey, Daria! You know where the peanuts are, Daria? Daria - (from back room) Try the peanut bin, you idiot. Kevin - Can you come out and show me? Daria - (from back room) No! Trent - Um, you know what? I don't want any peanuts after all. Jesse - But you said they hijacked your brain. Trent - Well, now I think a burger has taken over my brain. What do you say? Jesse - Cool. (Jesse and Trent leave) Kevin - Hey, don't go! Come back! See you again at Nut, Nut, Nutty, Nutty Lunch World! (Jane goes behind counter) Hey, you can't go back there. Jane - Yeah, I can. They changed the rules. Kevin - Oh, cool. Jane - (entering back room) Hey. Daria - Welcome to It's a Nutty, Nutty, Nutty World. We're just nuts about humil iation. Jane - I tried to keep them away. Daria - Nice job. Jane - C'mon, you got a break coming up? I'll buy you some junk food. Something not in the nut family. Daria - Yeah, that'll be nice. Let's go cruise the mall in case there's someone I know who hasn't seen me in my Nutty World uniform. I'll see you later. Jane - Daria... Daria - See you later.

(at Helen's office) Helen - (answers phone) Mmm? Jane - Mrs. Morgendorffer? This is Jane, Daria's friend. Helen - Jane, do you need an attorney? I don't do criminal work but I'll get you someone. Don't say anything to anyone until we get over there. Jane - No, no. I'm looking for Daria. (split-screen between Jane and Helen) Helen - Daria? Why are you calling here? Jane - She told me she was going to talk to you about the way they're treating h er at work. Helen - Really? Jane - They probably haven't let her off yet. I bet she's still in the back room , bagging nuts. Helen - What?! In the back room? How is she going to improve her social skills t here? Jane - Yeah, that's the thing. She's the senior employee at the nut stand, and t he most qualified, but for some reason her male co-worker is the one they've got behind the counter. Helen - What?! I knew I shouldn't have trusted one of Jake's sleazy contacts. (g roans in frustration) (Jane hangs up and smirks) (at the pet store) Quinn - Listen, I need you guys to find a missing boa constrictor while I work u p front. Don't worry, they don't bite. They just strangle. Three J's - (simultaneously) I'll find it for you! No, no, I will! No, no, me! Quinn - Mmm. (leaves) Joey - How we gonna call the snake if we don't know its name? Jeffy - You don't call a snake, stupid. You play one of those flute things. Jamie - I don't know how to play the flute. Can't we put out some snake food or something? Jeffy - What do they eat? Joey - Hey, look! (lets gerbils out of cage) That ought to do it. (at the nut stand) Helen - Where's Daria?

Kevin - Uh, welcome to It's a Nutty, Nutty, uh... Helen - Oh, shut up. (goes into back room) Kevin - You can go back there now. They changed the rules. Daria - Mom? Helen - What are you doing back here? Daria - Working with filberts. Helen - Oh, I see, you're in back doing the physical labor while that goon is up front networking. (drags Daria out of room) Manager - Hey, what are you doing? Helen - You can find someone else to bag your nuts, pal! (hands Daria's hat to m anager) You're not exploiting my daughter anymore. Manager - You can't take her away! She's my salesperson of the day! Helen - I'm sure your valuable male counter help is more than qualified to cover for her. (leaves with Daria) Kevin - Hey, Daria, wait! My apron is caught in the register again! (manager begins sobbing) Helen - The nerve of that sexist caveman to think he could get away with treatin g you that way. Daria - It was awful, awful. (Helen and Daria approach pet store) (gerbils gather around Daria's feet) Daria - Damn peanut smell. Quinn - What are you doing here?! Can't you see I'm working?! Joey - (screams) Get this thing off me, man! (runs off with Joanne coiled around his neck) Mr. Matthews - (runs after Joey) Careful with her! She has sensitive scales! (Jeffy and Jamie run off as they're attacked by animals) Kevin - (as Brittany drags him away) I swear, babe, that wasn't a smile the seco nd time! (at school) Jane - I can't believe it. Finally someone I know is attacked by animals, and I and my video camera are nowhere to be found. Daria - I'm not sure if cute little furballs milling around your feet really con stitutes an attack.

Jane - Hey, you don't know what they were thinking. Daria - Well, now Kevin, Quinn and I are all out of a job -- which suits me fine . (Quinn approaches) Jane - What happened to you? Quinn - It's Daria's fault! You got too close to me with your stupid nut shirt! You know I'm allergic to pistachio dye, and now I've got a rash! My neck modelin g career is over! (runs off) Daria - Hey. Jane - What? Daria - I think I just found job satisfaction. (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Daria! Episode #307 Written by Glenn Eichler and Peter Elwell Note: Italicized text indicates singing. (opening credits) (woman on TV holding high note, operatically) SSW Announcer - They broke into her bedroom. She burst into song! The inappropri ate alto, tonight on Sick, Sad World! (TV is turned off) (song - "Morning in the 'Burbs") (in Helen and Jake's bedroom) Jake - I got a big wheel rolling in my heart. Helen - I really don't know what that's supposed to mean. Jake - It means a Lawndale morning's going to start. Helen - Put on your pants! We're seeing more than should be seen. Neighbors - I'll say! Helen - Today I'll be the perfect working wife and mother. Jake - Today I'll show my clients that this man is strong. Helen - But, oh, today's booked up like every other.

Jake - I'll probably tell my clients that they're right and I am wrong. Both - But still it's morning in the 'burbs. (in Quinn's bedroom) Quinn - It's such a great day, I wish I could buy it. I look so good it makes my eyeballs hurt. Does this go with this top? Should I try it? Quinn's reflection - Oh, put on any skirt or shirt. You'd even look good wearing dirt. Quinn - Thanks! Quinn and reflection - On this morning in the 'burbs. (in Daria's bedroom) Daria - Oh me, oh my. A lovely day is dawning. Oh, what a joy I didn't wake up d ead. So I can go to school and then resume my yawning, and get my sleep in class instead of in my bed. (in the kitchen) Jake - Morning, Helen. Helen - Morning, Jake. Jake - Hair all right? Quinn - Looks kind of fake. Jake - Great! And now my leave I'll take. It's off to work I go. Helen and Quinn - Bye! Helen - What's the weather like today? (turns TV on) Weatherman - Maybe a hurricane on the way. Helen - (turns TV off) But it's such a lovely day. Quinn - What does science know? Daria - Oh, that's great. The toast is cold. What tales of nothing will unfold? All - Here on this same old... Daria - This same old... All - Morning in the 'burbs! (in the school cafeteria) Brittany - Oh, my gosh! Look at the Jell-O! Daria - It's jiggling. Jane - Worried about the competition?

Brittany - Don't you see? It changed into the school colors... on Pep Rally Day. There really is a school spirit! Spooky. Daria - Pep Rally Day? Jane - Hmm. I guess we'd better make alternate plans. Daria - Hello, Mr. Roof. (in the school gymnasium) Mack - Um, as captain of the team, I want to say, there are some things more imp ortant than winning. Kevin - Yeah, like kicking some damn butt! Whoo-hoo! All right! We are the champ ions, my friends! Mack - Uh, Kevin? Kevin - I'm the Q.B.! Ms. Li - Excuse me. Everybody, simmer down. Calm down. Calm down! That little hu rricane advisory has been upgraded to a hurricane warning! Jamie - Are we all going to die? Ms. Li - Not on school property! You're all to go home. Kevin - What about the big game? Ms. Li - Canceled! All - No! (song - "If the Town Blew Away") Ms. Li - Yes! Now, everybody out. Everybody out. An ordered, quiet exit is what exiting's about. Mr. DeMartino - You will not scream or howl... or shout! Students - Everybody out, everybody out. Upchuck - (purring growl) But what if, what if, what if the town blew away? Kevin - Where would the football players play? Fashion Club - Where would we go to shop all day? Mr. DeMartino and Mrs. Bennett - Would we still get three months off with pay? Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Barch - If the town blew away? (students mimick wind musically) Jodie - Nowhere isn't anywhere I want to live. Mack - Nowhere makes Lawndale look all right. Jodie - Nowhere is an address that's very hard to give.

Upchuck - When you ask for a ride home on Friday night. Brittany - I hope you're not too sad that you don't get to play. Kevin - I am, but I think the weather's fine. "X-Files" says this is just the sn eaky way the authorities create, like, a natural disaster thing to cover up the real reason the game's canceled. I mean, big game, big storm... coincidence? Team - Well, we're not falling for their line! (singing in harmony behind Britta ny and Kevin) What if the town blew away? What would the other townships say? Wo uld they put up a plaque to mark the day our town blew away? Brittany - Come on, Kevvy, don't be mad. I've got a way to make you glad. We'll go up to some other place. Kevin - Hey, that's cool, babe. Let's go suck face! (on the school roof) Daria - Hey, look at what the newspaper is saying. Jane - What? Daria - It says a great big storm is on the way. Jane - Cool. Daria - The roof's not really where we should be staying. Jane - Why? Daria - 'Cause this big-ass storm is happening today. Jane - Hey, what if the town blew away? Daria - My sister would have nowhere to stay. Jane - The mall would be gone, and that's okay. Both - Down on your knees and begin to pray that the town blows away. Daria - Let's head down. I want to live to see what this place looks like after it's obliterated. Jane - You know, being a post-apocalyptic town is going to be cool. Other towns will be scared of us. Daria - I'm sure they already are. (sees Brittany and Kevin making out) Oh, look , a hurricane of passion. Brittany - Hi! Daria - I hate to interrupt, but the newspaper says there's a big storm coming. Jane - You might want to take your wholesome sports activities indoors. Kevin - Wait, the newspaper said that? Oh, man! I thought Ms. Li was just coveri ng up.

Brittany - Yeah, she was messing with our minds. Jane - Why doesn't that add up for me? Kevin - Ladies first. (knocks wedge away from door) Daria - No...! (door slams shut) Daria - Great. Now we're not only going to die, the headline's going to read "Qu arterback and others perish." (song - "If the Town Blew Away") Daria - I always knew that I would die in Nowheresville. Jane - But I didn't think I'd die there quite so soon. Kevin - Hey, this is like that video, "When Scary Storms Kill!" Brittany - Will being dead wreck my afternoon? All - If the town blows away? (thunder rumbles) (at Helen's office) Marianne - Um, Helen, I was just wondering. If there isn't anything more to do, you know, I thought maybe I could go home and say good-bye to my loved ones. Helen - Oh, I suppose I can send this fax myself. Marianne - Thank you! (leaves) Helen - Kiss the kids good-bye for me... I mean, good night. Damn! Eric - Helen! What are you doing here?! There's a hurricane coming! I know I nev er said it before, but... Helen... oh, Helen... you're so swell... en. (looks at watch) Hot damn! I'll e-mail you. (leaves) Helen - Don't worry about me. I've just got a few things to wrap up and then I'l l be... where's my appointment book? (at Cashman's) Quinn - This one doesn't make so much noise. Sandi - But Quinn, aren't you afraid that you look like a Hefty bag... not that you do. Stacy - Uh-uh. Tiffany - No way. Theresa - Sorry, ladies, the store's closing. The hurricane. Sandi - Let's get out of here while there's still time to walk. Running for your life is so geeky.

Tiffany - Oh, no. Wind... hair. Sandi - Come on, Quinn. We'll come back tomorrow and find a color that doesn't m ake you look so... sick. Quinn - We'll find a better color tomorrow?! (sighs) Don't they know I can't lea ve yet? (song - "I Can't Leave Yet") Quinn - Why don't they know? It's easy to see that I can't go till I'm dressed p erfectly? Helen - Why don't they guess? It's more than a quirk. I've got to confess I'm ad dicted to work. Quinn on fax - A shrink would have a field day with my head. Helen - If he listened to the sentence I just said. Jake and Daria in photos - Obsessive kids and moms just might be ticking bombs. Helen and Quinn - So I'll keep it to myself instead. Quinn - It doesn't matter really what I do or wear. Helen in photo - I could do a half-assed job and nobody would care. Fashion Club in photo - But wowing colleagues and friends is the greatest of lif e's ends. Helen and Quinn - So when life ends at least it ends with style and flair! Helen - Coming in second wouldn't be the worst. Quinn - As long as no one else was first. Helen - Oh, don't they know? Quinn - Tell them it's so. Helen and Quinn - Don't they know I can't leave yet? (pager beeps) Quinn - Okay, Mom, I'm coming home. I'll be the one in the Hefty bag. (sighs and leaves) (Helen sighs and leaves) (Jake on the highway) Helen on answering machine - Hello. You've reached the Morgendorffer residence. No one's home right now. Jake - What do you mean, no one's home right now?! Daria, Quinn? Please get home and answer the damn phone! (song - "Gah, Gah, Damn It!")

Jake - I got a foot on the gas and a hammer in my head thinking 'bout my girls a nd the ways they might be dead. They should be safe at home and warm and by the fire instead of warming up to sing in that heavenly choir. Gah, gah, damn it! Driver - Learn to drive, jerk! Jake - Gah, gah, damn it! Driver - Glad you got your horn to work! Jake - Gah, gah, damn it! Driver - Stay in your lane! Jake - There's a hurricane coming and I'm going insane! Husband - Quit swearing like a drunkard and get right with the Lord. Wife - We're a very moral family with a baby on board. Jake - And I say gah, gah, damn it! Both - Oh me, oh my! Jake - Gah, gah, damn it! Both - We hope that you die! Jake - Gah, gah, damn it! All - You tell 'em, jack! Jake - I think I see my turn-off so you'd better get back! (swerves across traff ic) All - Gah, gah, damn it! (at Daria's house) Helen - Now, let's see. We've got the windows taped up, emergency provisions, sp are batteries... oh, I wish I knew that your father and Daria were safe! Quinn, what are you doing? Quinn - Making cocoa. Helen - Why? Quinn - I saw this TV movie about this really cute family of teens who got stran ded during a hurricane. When they got nervous, they'd drink cocoa. Helen - Now, sweetie, there's nothing to worry about. (door slams) Looters! Jake - Helen, Quinn! Daria? Helen - Oh, no! I was hoping she was with you. Jake - You mean she's out there? In that maelstrom?! Oh, God, no! Helen - It's not actually raining yet, Jake.

Quinn - She's probably at her friend's house. Jake - Yes, yes, that's where she is! (dials phone) Hello, hello?! Helen - Quinn, pour your father some of that cocoa. (at Jane's house; Trent's duck-phone quacks) Trent - Hello? No, Daria's not here. You want the Morgendorffers. Jake - God...! (wailing groan) I am the Morgendorffers! Helen - Give me that. Hello? Trent? You haven't seen the girls? Are your parents there? Are they in town at all? Have you done anything to prepare for this hurr icane? Yes, hurricane! Trent, I want you to come over and wait for the girls her e. You'll be safer. Then put some on! And get over here now, young man! (hangs u p) Doesn't anybody in this town wear pants anymore? (on the school roof) Daria - It's like this: if we don't go into that water tank shack, we'll blow of f the roof and die. Brittany - But it looks so... Jane - I believe "icky" is the word you're groping for. (inside the shack) Daria - Um, Brittany, would you mind pointing those things in another direction? Brittany - Sorry. Daria - My parents are probably starting to worry. Jane - I know mine would be, if they were in town. Daria - What about Trent? I'll bet he's upset. Jane - I'll bet he's snoring. (song - "They Must Be Worried") Jane - Our families and friends... Daria - Busy saving their rear ends... Jane - May have overlooked an absent teen or two. Kevin - But by now they're catching on that two well-liked kids are gone... Brittany - And I'll bet that someone's even missing you. Kevin and Brittany - So, while the wind does blow on our loved ones down below, we wish that we could tell them we're okay. Jane - And I'd say I'm on the roof with a bimbo and a goof, but I'm due to come back down most any day.

Brittany - They must be worried. Daria - They're probably distressed. Brittany - They must be worried. Jane - It's causing them unrest. All - They must be worried. (Jane, Brittany and Kevin harmonize) Daria - It's really hard to guess exactly what Quinn's thinking, though my insti nct says it's probably about her shoes. Mom and Dad, though, I don't think are e xactly tickled pink that I've vanished, and that I've left no clues. They must b e worried. Jane, Brittany and Kevin - I wouldn't be surprised. Daria - They must be worried. Jane, Brittany and Kevin - Getting misty in the eyes. Daria - They must be... All - Worried. (wind howls, shack creaks, thunder rumbles, debris crashes) (at Daria's house) Jake - Gah! I can't take it anymore! Trent - Whoa. No more cocoa for you, man. Jake - It's not the cocoa. The cocoa's fine! Quinn - Thanks! Jake - It's this sitting here doing nothing! My little girl's lost in the middle of a hurricane! I should be out there looking for her! Helen - Jake, I'm sure Daria had the good sense to find shelter. There's no poin t in putting yourself in danger, acting like an idiot with a Superman complex. Jake - Damn it, Helen! This is no time for your girlie crap! Helen - What? Jake - That touchy-feely garbage! Who do you want in an emergency: Superman, or your damn inner child? I'm acting like an idiot? No! I'm acting like a man! (song - "Manly") Jake - It used to be enough to be strong and good and tough and go try whatever hasn't been tried. But now I'm a jerk with a brain that doesn't work if I don't consult my feminine side of what it is to be manly. Helen, Quinn and Trent - Manly!

Jake - Maybe we should stay here and hug. Would that be more manly? Helen, Quinn and Trent - Manly! Jake - Oh, kill me now, I think I squashed a bug. Helen - Trent, can't you talk some sense into him? Trent - Sounds sensible enough to me. (grabs guitar and starts playing) I can sh ow that I care. I can cry, I can share. Got my brain in a sensitive whirl. But p lease tell me why being such a modern guy makes me feel like a bearded girl! I g uess that's not manly. Helen, Quinn and Jake - Manly! Trent - I do nothing, but hey, I feel, I feel mighty manly. Helen, Quinn and Jake - Manly! Trent - I'm so excited I just might scream. (throws guitar aside) Jake - Come here, big guy. Trent - You got it, boss. Jake - I'm proud to be the home of a Y chromosome. Trent - I'm proud this hair is growing on my chin. Jake - Let's get the hell out there. Trent - Find those girls for who we care. Jake - We won't be back till we can bring 'em in. Jake and Trent - We're gonna be manly. Helen and Quinn - Manly! Trent - Hang on, help is on the way! Jake and Trent - It's time to be manly. Helen and Quinn - Manly! Jake - Honey... is that okay? All - Manly! Jake - C'mon, Trent! Your daughter and my sister are out there. Trent - That doesn't sound right. Jake - And we've got to find them. It's our duty, damn it! Trent - Damn it, you're right! Jake - Damn it, let's go! Helen - Jakey, be careful.

Quinn - Yeah, dad. Jake - Got to save those girls, damn it! Trent - Damn it, let's do it! (car crashes) Jake - Damn it! (on the school roof) Jane - Um, don't look now, but our little love nest is about to collapse. Brittany - Oh, no! What do we do? Daria - I guess we're going to have to take our chances out there. Kevin - Okay, ready? I'm going to open the door. Jane - Like before? (Kevin repeatedly pulls on door) Daria - Just like before. Kevin - I give up, it's stuck. Brittany - You give up? You can't give up! (song - "Manly") Daria - The girl with the squeak says it's no time to be meek. Time to do what y ou manly men do. Jane - She means break down the door. Give a holler or a roar, make some stupid football noise and bust through. Brittany - You've got to be manly. Daria, Jane and Brittany - Manly! (Kevin slams into door) Daria - My great aunt could do better, and she's dead! Brittany - Come on and be manly! Daria, Jane and Brittany - Manly! Jane - Now apply your mighty helmet of a head! Kevin - Manly! (crashes through door) Brittany - Did he hurt himself? Daria - Not anywhere either of you would notice. Kevin - Hey, check it out. The storm's over.

Brittany - Kevvy, you did it! Daria - And look, Brittany, he also made a rainbow. Jane - Is there anything this popular boy can't do? (song - "The Big, Wet Rainstorm's Over") All - The big, wet rainstorm's over. We're happy we're still here. The big, wet rainstorm's over. The end came very near. Daria and Jane - We didn't die with Brittany. Instead, we got to sit and see... Brittany - Kevin's head act mightily! Kevin - Oh, babe! All - The big, wet rainstorm's over! (Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany at Tiffany's house) All - The big, wet rainstorm's over. Where's Quinn? Sandi - And do we care? All - The big, wet rainstorm's over. Stacy - She's in a store somewhere. Sandi - How do you like this jersey top? Tiffany - Its colors make your highlights pop. Stacy - Okay, we're dressed, now we can shop. All - The big, wet rainstorm's over! (Mack and Jodie at Jodie's house) Both - The big, wet rainstorm's over and Lawndale's still the same. The big, wet rainstorm's over and our life is once more tame. Jodie - Though if the town were gone today... Mack - And all the people blown away... Both - We'd be in the major-i-tay. The big, wet rainstorm's over. (near Daria's house) Little Girl - The big, wet rainstorm's over. I think you hurt your car. Jake - The big, wet rainstorm's over. Now will you go real far away from me beca use, you see, I crashed my car into a tree and I'm as mad as mad can be! Little Girl - The big, wet rainstorm's over. Jake - You okay?

Trent - I'm okay. You okay? Jake - A-okay! Both - The big, wet rainstorm's over. The air bag saved our life. The big, wet r ainstorm's over. Jake - Explain this to the wife! Now will you please get out and see... Trent - The damage done by this here tree? Jake - The sight's a bit too much for me! (Daria and Jane arrive) All - The big, wet rainstorm's over! Trent - Janey! Oh, man, you're all right. (hugs Jane) Jane - Trent, you were worried. Trent - And you're okay too, Daria. Cool. (hugs Daria) Daria - (mutters) Mm-hmm, fine. Jake - Daria, you're safe! Daria - Dad, you crashed the car. (song - "Morning in the 'Burbs") Jake - I don't care a fig about my smashed-up Lexus. You're really what my carin g is all about. (hugs Daria) Daria - That must be why you've crushed my solar plexus. Jake - I'm sorry, hon, but I'm so happy I could shout. Quinn - So you found my sis at last. Helen - Crashed the car. Jake - Ah, the past is past. Helen - At least you didn't break your neck. Quinn - Could have, though. Daria - But what the heck, 'cause... (Helen, Jake, Quinn, Trent and Jane harmonize) Daria - Today was strange in extremes, and that's put lightly. And yet, it start ed out so dull, and pretty dumb. And so, this feeling I feel I don't feel slight ly. It's the hope that tomorrow will come, and another weird morning. Quinn - Yes, a-dawning. Jane - An exciting new day a-borning.

(crowd gathers) All - No need for a surgeon general's warning. Morning... Upchuck - Morning! All - It's morning, morning, morning in the 'burbs! Kevin - Yeah! (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Lane Miserables Episode #308 Written by Anne D. Bernstein (opening theme song) (at Daria's house) (everyone is seated around the kitchen table; Helen is carving up a tray of lasa gna, while the others are engrossed in their reading materials) Helen - I think it's so important for a family to find the time to eat together and share their day. Did I share with you how many meetings I had to rearrange s o that I could be here -- not that I'm complaining -- but who knows what impact this will have on negotiations I'm not at liberty to discuss? (Daria, Jake, and Quinn continue reading) Helen - Jake, Quinn, Daria! This isn't a library. Daria - Despite the presence of fluorescent lighting and uncomfortable chairs. Helen - Come on, let's have a nice chat. Daria? Penny for your thoughts? Daria - Well, I was just pondering the idea that the negative, which is the noth ingness of being and the annihilating power both together, is nothingness. Quinn - Oh, Daria! That whole "less is more" thing is so over! Accessories are b ack. Jake - I just don't get it. If B.C. is a caveman, how can he celebrate Ash Wedne sday? Helen - Why do I bother? (at Jane's house) (Trent wanders into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator door) Trent - Nothing. (peers into the freezer) What's that red stuff? (Jane comes up beside him and also looks into the refrigerator) Jane - Hmm. Nothing. (looks at the red stain) What do you think that is?

Trent - Cherry soda? Jane - No, it looks more like cranberry juice. (Amanda suddenly appears between them) Amanda - Nothing. Jane - Well, hi, Mom. Trent - Hey, Mom. Amanda - What is that? Strawberry syrup? Jane - I'm guessing cranberry juice. Trent - Cherry soda. (doorbell rings) Amanda - Who could that be? (Amanda answers the door to find a tall young man with sandy blonde hair, carryi ng a backpack) Amanda - Wind! What an unexpected treat. Wind - Mom! Mom! (hugs Amanda) Trent! Janey! (hugs Trent and Jane) It's so great to see everybody. Sorry I didn't call first, but I had to clear out of the hous eboat in a hurry. Jane - "When Tidal Waves Strike?" Wind - No, Katie and I are separating for a while. Amanda - Oh, honey. I hope you two work it out. Wind - Me too, Mom. I mean, two alimony payments a month are enough! (laughs, th en starts to cry) Oh, God, I'll never learn how to love! Amanda - It's okay, sweetheart. We've got plenty of room. Trent - Um... Jane - Uh-oh. Trent - There were some phone messages I almost forgot about. Let's see... (read s notes written on his left hand) Penny's coming in from Costa Rica; some kind o f problem with a volcano. And Dad's finished taking pictures of Celtic rock form ations; he's on his way back to print. Jane - What's that written on your other hand? Trent - (reads his right hand) "Change name of Mystik Spiral to 'Something Somet hing Explosion.'" Wind - Hey, do I smell cookies baking? Jane - Not bloody likely.

Amanda - The kiln! (runs off to salvage her pottery) (doorbell rings) Wind - Who could that be? (Wind answers the door to find a tall woman with firey red hair, holding a pet c arrier... and carrying a backpack) Wind - Sis! Penny - Claudia threw you out. (enters the house) Wind - (chuckles) Yeah, but that was years ago. I think you mean Katie. (sniffle s) You, you ran out of pesos? Penny - Colnes. No, my native crafts stand was wiped out. Damn lava. Wind - I'm so glad you're okay. (shouts in alarm as a screech erupts from the pe t carrier) Penny - That's Chiquito. He's very possessive. (doorbell rings) Who could that b e? (Penny shoves the carrier into Wind's arms and answers the door, to find a 40-is h man with black hair and a thin black moustache... and yes, he has a backpack, too) Vincent - Thanks. I think I left my house keys in Connemara. (at Daria's house) (Jake is on the couch watching a basketball game; Helen walks in and sits down n ext to him) Jake - (shouts) Yahoo! (Helen sighs) Jake - (shouts) Go, you beautiful bastard! Three points, yeah! (Helen sighs deeply) Jake - (shouts) Something wrong, honey? Helen - Jake, do you ever worry that our children are becoming strangers to us? Jake - Stranger than us? What's so strange about us? (Helen turns TV off) Hey! Helen - I try and try to keep the channels of communication open. What more can I do? Jake - Look under the mattress for a diary? I mean, by accident, of course? Helen - Honestly, Jake, sometimes I wonder if you know even the most rudimentary facts about our girls. How old is Quinn? (glares at Jake) Jake - Uh, eleven... ish? That was a guesstimate.

Helen - Jake, what's my middle name? (Jake's suddenly on the spot as Helen glares even harder) Jake - (weakly) It's got a "K," right? (Helen huffs angrily and leaves) Jake - Honey, wait! (door slams; after a moment, Jake turns the TV back on) Jake - Shoot, big man, shoot! (at Jane's house) (Jane is seated on her bed, watching television) SSW Announcer - Is your toll collector wearing pants, a skirt, or nothing but a smile? Cold breeze on the interstate, next on Sick, Sad World. (Wind wanders in and sits next to her) Wind - Hey, Jane! How long has the living room TV been broken? Jane - About two years, I guess. Wind - Do you mind if I watch a show in here? It's kind of a marital emergency. Jane - Actually... Wind - Thanks. (switches TV channel) TV Host - Welcome once again to The Living Marriage: A Holistic Blueprint For Lo ving. Wind - (sobbing) Oh, Katie, Katie, Katie! Jane - I, uh, think I'll give Daria a call... downstairs. (Jane goes into the kitchen to find Penny on the phone) Jane - Penny, you gonna be long? Penny - Business. (into phone) No, no, Senr Finance Minister. Necessito dinero to reopen my business. Your volcano wiped out hundreds of hand-fashioned tin pictu re frames and I'd like to know how your government intends to compensate me. (as she's talking, she pours a glass full of liquid from a big brown jug on the kitchen table) Jane - All right, then; to my private office. (tucks newspaper under arm and lea ves the kitchen) Penny - No, Senr, I have not been inhaling volcano dust. Hello? Hello? (gets up a nd leaves the untouched glass on the table) (Jane turns the bathroom doorknob and finds it locked) Vincent (V.O.) - Sorry, gonna be awhile. I'm developing.

Jane - Whatever. Vincent (V.O.) - Oh, honey? Don't drink from that big bottle in the kitchen; it' s silver nitrate. Jane - It's poisonous? Vincent (V.O.) - Yeah, and I need it for my prints. (Jane heads into the basement, where she finds Amanda at her pottery wheel) Jane - Um, Mom, can we discuss this family togetherness nightmare? Wind's crying all over my stuff, Penny's starting a trade war in the kitchen, and Dad's rinsi ng prints in all the toilets. Amanda - Oh, Jane. Everyone will work things out in their own way, in their own time. Remember when you kids were young? Jane - How far back? Diapers creep me out. Amanda - The time Trent moved into a tent in the backyard. Jane - Oh, sure. It was my job to deliver the sandwiches. Amanda - We just left him alone for six months until he got bored. Summer once a te only Pez for a year, and look how beautifully she turned out! You know, if yo u try to hold a butterfly tightly in your hand, it will die. You have to let it go, and if it comes back, it is truly yours, but if doesn't, it never really was . Jane - (quietly) How about if you tear off its precious little wings? (leaves) (at Daria's house) (Daria is reading a book, while Jake's loud snoring is interrupted by the doorbe ll) Jake - Huh? Who could that be? (Daria gets up and answers the door; Jane is standing on the stoop, carrying her easel and a small suitcase) Jane - I'm not picky. The manger will be fine. (Jane jogs past Helen, who is power-walking) Helen - Jane! (pants as she tries to catch up with her) Jane - (sighs and slows down) Oh, hi, Mrs. Morgendorffer. Didn't see you there. Helen - It's okay. Speed-walkers have thick skins. Jane, since you're staying wi th us and all, I thought... well, you're Daria's best friend, and she's, she's s o hard to talk to these days... Jane - Maximum of three questions. No betrayals. Immunity from prosecution. Helen - Agreed. Drugs? Jane - Nope, unless you count TV.

Helen - Depressed? Jane - No, just realistic. Helen - Sex? (Jane just looks at her) Oh, that's too obvious. Can I have another one? (at Jane's house) (Trent is sitting on the living room couch, strumming his guitar) Trent - (sings) The walls are closing in... the ice is getting thin... no place to be alone... my house is not a home... psychic refugee... psychic refu... aaah ! (Trent leaps across the couch, snapping a guitar string in the process, as Chiqu ito squawks loudly; he regins his composure as Penny leaves the room) Trent - (sings) The walls are closing in... the ice is... (Wind and Vincent enter the room) Wind - But, Dad, I don't know what else to do. I tried everything on that show. Vincent - Your mom and I find role-playing a super way to work out conflicts. We also enjoy hitting each other with large foam rubber bats. Wind - I'd do it, but Katie isn't here. Vincent - Well, I'll be Katie. Trent, would you mind being the flirtatious girl at the check-out counter? Trent - Uh, I gotta go sharpen my guitar pick. (Trent leaves and goes into the kitchen just as Amanda is finishing a phone conv ersation) Amanda - (into phone) Okay, I'll get Trent's tent out of the attic. Bye! (hangs up) Courtney and Adrian are coming for a visit. Isn't that great? Trent - Does Summer know? Amanda - She should, shouldn't she? Trent - Well, she's kind of their mother. Have you seen Janey? Amanda - No, hon. But if you find her, tell her I said hi. (leaves) (Trent goes back into the living room to see Vincent and Wind hitting each other with pillows) Vincent - Doesn't this feel great? Wind - Um... Trent - Has anyone seen Jane? Vincent - She was just standing there a few minutes... uh, days ago. (gets knock ed down by Wind)

Wind - Aha! Vincent - Good one! (Chiquito squawks as he flies in and perches on Trent's head) (at Daria's house) (Jake is at the stove, cooking; Jane is at the kitchen table, folding napkins) Jake - Hey, thanks for setting the table, Jane-o! Jane - No problem. Thanks for letting me stay here. Jake - Well, I know how it can be, being driven from your childhood home. (build ing up to a rant) Even if it was a dark, depressing place, the air thick with op pression, and the constant threat of ... Jane - Look! A ducky! (holds up napkin folded into the shape of a duck) Jake - Hey, neat! (walks over to table) Say, uh, Jane... I know you're Daria's b est friend and... well, she's so hard to talk to these days. I was wondering... Jane - Maximum of three questions. No betrayals. Immunity from prosecution. And, uh, talk your wife into finding a new speed-walking route. Jake - Done! Age? Jane - Seventeen. Jake - Uh... height? Jane - Five foot two. Jake - Mm-hmm. Favorite color? (pause) Both - Black. Jake - Oh, that's too obvious. Can I have another one? (at dinnertime) (everyone is seated at the table in their usual positions, with Jane next to Dar ia; everyone except Jane and Helen has reading material) Jane - I don't suppose you could tear out a chapter for me? Daria - Sorry, library book. Quinn - This milk trivia quiz is really interesting. I'd like to try chewing som e of this cud sometime. Jake - Why don't they just put Marmaduke to sleep? Helen - Well, Jane, since everyone else is occupied, why don't we have a little. ..

(Jane quickly grabs milk carton out of Quinn's hands) Quinn - Hey! Jane - (mutters softly) Vitamin D, 200%... vitamin A, 100%... (doorbell rings) Helen - Who could that be? (Daria answers door; Trent is standing on the front stoop) Trent - Hey, Daria. Janey here? Daria - Um, yeah. Hi. (Daria and Trent enter kitchen) Trent - (sniffs) Smells good. Jane - Trent? Trent - Hey, Janey. I just stopped by to tell you I'll be living in the Tank for a while. Helen - The Tank? Jane - It's a van, or it was once. Why didn't you phone? Trent - Couldn't get near it. Hey, is that spaghetti? It's my favorite. (Daria smirks slightly; she doesn't need glasses to see that Trent is buttering Jake up) Jake - Actually, it's fettuccini bolognese. Trent - Oh, yeah, that's my favorite. It's not sticking together at all. Jake - Trent, my man, you want to stay for dinner? Trent - Well, it is nice and warm in here. Not like the Tank. I bet your doors l ock, too. Helen - Trent, would you like to stay here tonight? Daria - Eep! (everyone turns to stare at Daria) Daria - What? (in Daria's bedroom) (Daria and Jane are sitting on the floor in their sleepwear, a game of Scrabble between them) Jane - Are you sure you've got the concentration for this game? Daria - Huh? Of course. Why?

Jane - Well, just 'cause you've only picked two letters. Daria - Oh. Oh, yeah. (picks a letter) (Quinn enters the room, dressed for a date) Quinn - You're an artist, right? Jane - I've been known to push the paint around. Why? Quinn - Art fascinates me. Jane - (skeptical) Uh-huh. Quinn - So, if you were contouring the eyelids of, oh, someone with, let's see, coloring, skin tone, and hair color just like mine, would you go with a deep plu m or a rich mauve? Jane - I'd have to see the actual... Quinn - Okay! (drags Jane away) Jane - Don't touch my "Q"! Daria - What? (after a moment, there's a knock at the door; Daria's eyes go wide at the sight of Trent, dressed in pants and a tank-top T-shirt) Trent - Hey, Daria? Seen Janey? I need to borrow her toothbrush. Daria - Uh, she'll be back in a minute. Trent - Guess I'll wait. Hey, cool room. Daria - Um, thanks. (Trent, oblivious to Daria's increasing discomfort, lies down on Daria's bed) Trent - Comfortable bed. (looks at Daria's nightshirt) Mark Twain. Huckleberry F inn, right? Daria - Yeah. Trent - I read that in high school, I think. Daria - Um, it's an American classic. (sits down on edge of bed) Trent - Used to watch Huckleberry Hound when I was a kid. They didn't really hav e a lot in common, now that I think about it. Daria - Um, no, Huckleberry Hound was much more of a joiner. Trent - Yeah. Loser. (both chuckle) Trent - Why did Quick Draw McGraw hang out with that freaky little mule? Jane - (returns, sees Trent and Daria) Whoops! Didn't mean to interrupt.

Trent - That's okay. (gets up) Hey, Janey, I need to borrow your toothbrush. Jane - (hands toothbrush to Trent) Take it, it's a gift. Trent - Cool. (leaves) Jane - Wow, kismet! What were you guys talking about? Daria - Comparative literature. (doorbell rings) Jane - Who could that be? (Jake goes to answer the door) Jake - Quinn, your date is here! (opens door, sees Monique) Wow, I really don't know my kids! Monique - Hey, Trent around? Jake - Oh, you're for... well, then. Trent, your date is here! Trent - Thanks. See you. (hands toothbrush to Jake) Helen - Trent, where are you going? Trent - Out. Helen - And when are you coming back? Trent - Later. Bye. (leaves) Helen - Someone should talk to that young man about the lifestyle choices he's m aking. Jake - Eww! (drops toothbrush) (Trent escorts Monique to the Tank, unaware that Daria has been watching the who le thing) (at Daria's house) (Daria watches from Quinn's bedroom window as Trent and Monique drive away in th e Tank) Jane - Don't worry. You're twice the woman she is. Quinn - No, that would be a size 12. Listen, Daria, I always say that just becau se a guy has a girlfriend, it doesn't mean he's off-limits. Unless you're the gi rlfriend. By "you" I mean me, of course. Remember that. Daria - Mmm, got any more pearl drops of wisdom? Quinn - Daria, all you need is a little confidence. Just close your eyes and ima gine what you want. Watch me. (Quinn closes her eyes as her fantasy begins)

(Quinn is seated on a throne, a man with an English accent kneeling at her feet) Man - Quinn, looking into your mauve-lidded eyes makes me want to give you every thing you've ever desired. May I worship your heavenly perfection until the end of time? Or until you meet someone better, whichever comes first? Quinn - Oh, okay. Oh, and could you get me a soda? In a crystal goblet? (fantasy ends) Quinn - (dreamy) It's only a matter of time. (normal) Give it a try, Daria. Just use your imagination and picture your dream exactly the way it will be. Daria - All right. But I don't trust you enough to close my eyes. (Daria frowns, open-eyed, as her fantasy begins) (Daria, wearing a white lab coat, enters a cramped apartment, where a balding, b eer-bellied, scruffy-looking Trent is lying on the dingy couch) Daria - Trent, honey, I'm home! Trent - Hey. Daria - Good day? Trent - Not much happened. (sits up) Daria - Don't worry, Trent. I'm sure Mystik Spiral is on the brink of success... Trent - We really should change the name. Daria - ...and I don't mind working double shifts at the gene splicing lab until you make it. Trent - Face it, Daria, we're never going to get our big break. I gotta get a re al job. Um, I'll need some money to get my tattoo removed. Daria - Honey, we have to save right now. Trent Junior needs glasses. (pinches t humb and forefinger about an inch apart) Thick ones. Trent - Don't you understand? Every time I look at this stupid tattoo, it remind s me how I've wasted my life. But I'm not giving up. I'm determined to lie here on the couch until things turn around. (slaps palm on couch, kicking up a cloud of dust) Daria - Oh, Trent. Whatever happened to the man I married? Trent - We never got married, remember? I overslept. (doorbell rings) Daria - Who could that be? Trent - (in Quinn's voice) That's for me! (fantasy ends) Quinn - Bye! (leaves)

Jane - You okay there, sister-in-law? Daria - Hmm. I think I just got over something. (at Jane's house) (Wind is sobbing on the couch; Penny is sitting on the floor, pounding a picture frame into shape; Vincent is hanging photos on a clothesline strung across the living room; and Amanda surveys the scene just as the doorbell rings) Vincent - Who could that be? (Chiquito grabs one of the photos and flies off) He y! That print took me five hours! (Amanda sighs and heads downstairs, where Adrian is spinning Courtney around on the pottery wheel) Courtney - Whee! Amanda - Uh, children, that's not really a ride. Summer - You kids get off that pottery wheel this instant! (do I really need to say that Summer has arrived, and is carrying a backpack?) Amanda - Summer! You've come to take the kids home? Summer - Well, I figured since I made the trip, I'd stay a few nights. (Amanda's face falls) (at Daria's house) (Daria and Jake are eating breakfast at the kitchen table as Jane and Helen ente r) Daria - Gee, how was today's pre-breakfast run? Helen - Pre-breakfast speed-walk, right, Jane? Jane - (to Jake) I thought we had a deal. Jake - Uh... huh? (Quinn enters; she's still not a morning person) Helen - Good morning, Quinn. Quinn - If you're wondering why I overslept, it's not because I was out late or anything; my alarm clock simply malfunctioned. Daria - I certainly accept your convincing explanation. (Trent enters; he looks like death warmed over) Helen - Trent? Trent - Hmm? Helen - What time did you get in last night?

Trent - Uh... midnight? Helen - I don't think so, young man. Jake, was there something you wanted to tal k to Trent about? Jake - Yeah, Trent, what would you think if tonight I tried a little chutney shr imp? I'm itching to break out the ol' wok. Helen - Trent, I'm afraid these crazy hours you keep will make it impossible for you to adjust if and when you get a job and join the rest of us in conventional society. Quinn - Doesn't anyone want to know what ungodly hour I got in? Trent - I meant to be home sooner, but Monique and I spent four hours breaking u p. Jane - You guys break up every other week. You don't belong together. Figure it out. Right, Daria? Daria - Um... Helen - Trent, one day you'll have your own home and you can live any way you ch oose, but while you're under our roof, young man, you will respect the rules of this household. Trent - (contritely) Yes'm. Helen - Now, let's discuss an appropriate punishment for breaking curfew. Quinn - But don't I deserve appropriate punish... (stops as Helen glares at her) ...I mean, um... (to Trent) Just tell them if they'll let it go this once you'l l never do it again. Trent - I'm sorry I broke the rules. We don't really have any rules at our house . Right, Janey? Jane - Well, there's that one about not building a fire in the rooms that don't have fireplaces. Trent - You know, I once lived in a tent in the yard for six months, waiting for someone to invite me back into the house. Jake - Oh, do I know what that's like: waiting for your so-called loved ones to acknowledge your existence! Sitting alone in the dark, craving the love of a hea rtless man who keeps you in a constant state of fear and-- (doorbell rings) Who could that be? (Helen answers door; Amanda is standing on the stoop) Amanda - Hello, Helen. Helen - Why, Amanda! I guess you've come to claim your children. Amanda - Are they here? (enters the house) Helen - Jane is free to go, but Trent is grounded. Amanda - Oh, I don't believe in that. You know, Helen, if you try to hold a butt erfly tightly in your hand, it will die. You have to let it go, and-- (she final

ly snaps) You gotta help me! I need my house back! Helen - Amanda, I may have an idea. (at Jane's house) (everyone is seated at the dining room table, three to each side with Amanda at the head; Chiquito is wandering around the table and pecking at the food) Amanda - Well, now that we'll all be living under the same roof for a while, I t hought it would be nice if we sat down each night, ate dinner together, and shar ed our day. (loudly) Penny, keep that bird pointed away from the vegetables! (no rmal) So, what's new? (uncomfortable silence) Penny - Well, I'm thinking of switching from hand-crafted tin picture frames to hand-crafted gecko-skin coin purses. Summer - You still think your little knickknacks are gonna save the economies of the Third World? Vincent - Now, Summer, some things are worth saving. Wind - And some things can't be saved... like my marriage! Penny - It's okay, Wind. It's for the best. Wind - Really? Penny - Believe me, you're much better off. Wind - What's that supposed to mean? Summer - Yeah, what do you know about marriage? Penny - Well, I can't say I've had as much experience as either of you in failin g at it! Summer - Whoa! Wind - Wait a minute! Vincent - Hey, guys, live and let live! Adrian & Courtney - We wanna go home! Summer - Then why the hell did you run away and drag me back to the last place o n Earth I want to be? (everyone begins arguing, to Amanda's delight) Amanda - I have such interesting and articulate children! (kids whine and cry) Amanda - And grandchildren! (at Daria's house)

(Jane and Trent are packed and standing at the front door) Jane - So, once again the wandering Lanes scatter to parts unknown as Trent and I return to the benign neglect that has served us so well in the past. Daria - I guess no matter what style parents you have, they will inevitably driv e you crazy. Jane - Well said, amiga. And so, adios. (leaves) Trent - Well, it was fun. Daria - Yeah. Uh, sorry your date didn't work out. Trent - Janey's right. Monique and I just aren't meant to be. Too bad you're not a few years older, huh? I could take you out. (chuckles, coughs) See you. (leav es) (Daria fantasizes once again) (this time, Daria, dressed in a flowing emerald gown, is being courted by a clea n, groomed, and well-dressed Trent) Trent - Daria, you're the best thing that ever happened to me. (fantasy ends) Daria - Damn. (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Jake of Hearts Episode #309 Written by Dan Vebber (opening theme song) (at school) Jane - I'm telling you, puppets make anything funny. Give me something that isn' t funny. Daria - Um... a plane crash -- into a nuclear power plant. Jane - Okay. Now, picture the same plane crash, only the cabin is full of scream ing puppets flailing their skinny little puppet arms. Funny, right? Daria - Hmm... maybe. Are they on fire? Jane - Hmm... (Z-93 Party Van pulls up) Spatula Man (over loudspeaker) - Hey, Lawndale High! Are you ready to par-tay cr azy?

Jane - What the hell is that? Daria - If it's an ice cream truck, that better be some damn good ice cream. (students clamor excitedly) Bing - I'm Bing. Spatula Man - And I'm the Spatula Man! We're mental in the morning! Bing - 'Cause you got to be crazy to make it through high school! (students cheer) Daria - Good grief. Jane - It's lame deejays, Charlie Brown. Ms. Li - Whoo-hoo! (Daria and Jane gasp) Ms. Li - This is so exciting! Imagine, real-life celebrities broadcasting all we ek live from (with awe) Lawndale High. Daria - They're not celebrities. Jane - They're deejays. Ms. Li - Wacky deejays! And their hilarious antics will soon silence those naysa yers who would have us believe that Lawndale High is a place of gloom. (laughs) Jane - Of course, getting rid of the hidden cameras and the bomb-sniffing dogs w ould accomplish the same goal. Ms. Li - You girls should be thanking me for caring so much about student morale . Daria - I don't suppose the school would be receiving a large fee from the radio station for participating in this stunt? Ms. Li - Ms. Morgendorffer, those bomb-sniffing dogs have to eat! (leaves) (students cheer and shout) Daria - Could puppets make them funny? Jane - Hmm... I withdraw my theory. (at Daria's house) Helen - (into phone) Well, actually, Eric, would you mind if we wrapped this up tomorrow? Oh, no, that's okay, no, fine. It's just that my family was just... no . Yes, sure, of course. Not at all. Anytime -- never! Jake - Nothing like Taco Tuesday, eh, girls? Daria - If I recall correctly, Taco Thursday was pretty similar. Quinn - I was on the radio today. Bing and the Spatula Man invited the Fashion C

lub to critique the outfits of some less stylish students. Daria - Marconi would be so proud. Quinn - That Spatula Man is funny! Daria - As are most men named for kitchen utensils. Jake - Helen, you're going to miss out on all the guacamole! (taunting) Mom's go ing to miss the guacamole, Mom's going to miss the guacamole... Helen - Enough with the guacamole! (into phone) No, not you, Eric! Quinn - I think Bing has a crush on me. Daddy! You're using all the cheese! Jake - Hey! What did the doctor tell you about cheese? (into phone) No, not you, Eric! (laughs) How would I know what the doctor told you about cheese? Why, sur e, I'd love to hear what the doctor told you about cheese. Jake - "What did the doctor tell you about cheese, Jake? What did the doctor tel l you about cheese, Jake?" Why can't a man come home from a hard day's work and enjoy a lousy taco without it turning into... hey, you know, it's the darndest t hing! I can't feel my arm! (starts wheezing) Helen - (into phone) Yes, I can probably put together a four-phase strategy by M onday, but... (Jake continues wheezing and turns red) Daria - Dad? Jake - Blurk... (flops face-first into guacamole) Quinn - Daddy? Jake - Mom's... going to miss... the guacamole... (collapses again) Helen - Jakey! (drops phone) (at the hospital) Doctor - We'll have to wait for the test results, but so far it looks like a ver y mild heart attack. Helen - Oh, no! Quinn - A heart attack! (wails) Oh! Doctor - A very mild heart attack. Daria - Was there much damage to his heart? Doctor - I don't think so. If he adopts the right diet, exercise, and attitude, he should be fine. I hope you don't mind the question, but is there anything in your father's home life that might be causing him stress? (everyone looks at each other uneasily) (in Jake's hospital room)

SSW Announcer - Are bats sneaking into your neighborhood disguised as cute flyin g squirrels? Rabid rodent rip-offs, tonight on Sick, Sad World! Jake - (shrieks) The bats of death! They've come for me! Daria - Don't worry, Dad. It's just the bats of bad TV. Helen - Oh, Jakey! I promise, the girls and I will take good care of you from no w on. Jake - What's the catch? Helen - There's no catch, Jake. That's just your medication talking. Daria - Assuming he's on any medication. Helen - This book will tell us what we need to do now that we have a heart attac k survivor in the family. Quinn - And guess what, Daddy? I'm going to study to be a doctor! Jake - Hey, that's great! Daria - Dr. Quinn, medicine moron. Quinn - A heart doctor. If Dad had died, I would've been freaked out for, like, years. Jake - That's the spirit, sweetie. Avenge my death. Daria - You're not dying, Dad. Jake - Avenge me! Helen - Jake, you're going to give yourself a... never mind. Honey, is there any thing we can get for you? Jake - Yipe! (EKG machine beeps) I want my mommy. (at school) Daria - So, my grandmother Ruth will be staying with us while my dad recovers. Jane - Is this the grandmother who said she'd give you 100 bucks if you changed your hair? Daria - Both my grandmothers said that. Bing - Spatula Man, I see a couple of ladies here who I bet know how to par-tay! Daria - We really should start driving between classes. Spatula Man - Girls, we've got a treasure chest full of Zee!-93 prizes here, and all you have to do for the key is tell us, on the air, where you love to get me ntal in the morning! (Daria and Jane walk past, ignoring them) Bing - I think they have stage fright, Spatula Man.

Spatula Man - Come on, girls! Nothing to fear but winning! Just tell us which st ation plays the hits high-schoolers love to hear. Jane - Note to self: stop by courthouse on way home and pick up restraining orde r. Spatula Man - Well, no problemo! We'll just find some other mental morning party people. Daria - This will get worse before it gets better. Kevin - I can't believe they gave us free key chains -- with the Z-93 thingie! Brittany - And look: it's a flashlight, too! Kevin - Wow! How do they do that? Brittany - They must be made with computers! (at Daria's house) (doorbell rings) Helen - Ruth! It's wonderful to see you! Quinn - Hey. Daria - Hi, Grandma Ruth. Quinn - Yeah, hi. Ruth - Helen! Girls! Still haven't settled on a decorator, I see. Helen - Well, if you remember, Ruth, I decided to decorate the house myself. Ruth - Oh, marvelous. I look forward to seeing it once you get started. Helen - As a matter of fact, it's already... Ruth - And how are my little granddaughters? Daria, you look... you haven't chan ged a bit. Daria - Actually, I've had a number of bionic limbs installed. Ruth - Well, I don't know what that means, but as long as you don't get a tattoo , I'll be happy. Daria - You mean, another tattoo. Ruth - And how's my beautiful little Quinn? Is that a stethoscope? Quinn - I need to get used to coordinating outfits around it. I'm studying to be a heart doctor, so the next time my dad collapses, I can save him. Ruth - Quinn, girls as pretty as you don't need to become doctors. Quinn - I know, but it's, like, you know, a calling. Ruth - Where's my Jakey?

Jake - (shouting from upstairs) Mom? Is that you? Ruth - Jakey?! You shouldn't be yelling! Didn't you give him a bell? Helen - We... we were just about to, of course. Ruth - Really! (goes upstairs) Helen - (leafs through book) This doesn't say anything about a bell. (at school) Mr. O'Neill - (reads from Hamlet) "O! It offends me to the soul to hear a robust ious periwigpated fellow tear a passion to tatters, to very rags, to split the e ars of the groundlings." Spatula Man - (outside) Coming up, our raunch-a-riffic list of 101 words for... sex! (kids cheer and giggle) (at Daria's house) Daria - So the stories were right. People really do use these peculiar rooms to prepare food. Ruth - Welcome home, dear. I'm just teaching your mother how to cook. Helen - Oh, nonsense. I cook all the time, don't I, Daria? Daria - Well... Ruth - What exactly are you making, Helen? Helen - Chinese chicken with pea pods. Ruth - Mm-hmm. You do realize that's a piece of fish. (in Quinn's room) Quinn - Ugh! This is so frustrating! Daria, have you ever read this book? Daria - Thrombocytopenic Complications After Stent Placement Post-Coronary Arter y Angioplasty. Maybe you should start off with something easier. Many coloring b ooks feature hearts -- and rainbows. (Quinn gives Daria a dirty look) (in Jake's room) Ruth - Come on, Jakey. You've got to eat something. Jake - But I don't like oatmeal. Ruth - If you eat it, I'll give you some apple juice. Jake - With a straw? Daria - Pretend the spoon is an airplane. Works every time.

Ruth - Daria, could you feed your father for a minute? Daria - I'm sure he can-Ruth - Thanks, dear. (leaves) Jake - Daria... my eldest... my heir... Daria - Well, if I manage to bump off Mom and make it look like an accident. Jake - This is serious, Daria. I may not be long for this Earth. And when I go, it could well fall on you to put things in order. Your mother, of course, will b e so stricken with grief she'll be unable to function. And Quinn, she's just so very young! (sobbing) Oh, God, my little Quinn! Daria - Dad, you're not dying. The doctor said you'd be fine after some rest. Jake - To think I promised to walk you down the aisle one day. Daria - Now there's a request I definitely don't remember making. Jake - Daria, you don't get it! The reaper could walk into this room at any mome nt. Ruth - Time for someone's sponge bath! Jake - Aaah! (hides under covers) (at school) Bing - Hey, Spatula Man! Let's remind our audience what we're doing here this mo rning! Spatula Man - It's simple, Bing. We're going to make a love match for this young man, live on the air. What's your name, chief? Upchuck - Charles is my name, exploring the dark underbelly of passion is my gam e. Ping - Okay, Charles. The first girl out here in our audience to agree to a date with you is going to get a free "Mental In The Morning" bumper sticker! Spatula Man - What do you say, ladies? (girls protest and throw things at Upchuck) Jane - A date for a bumper sticker? Jodie - Even Upchuck doesn't deserve this much humiliation. Daria - Think how the bumper sticker must feel. Bing - Well, Charles, it looks like the response is underwhelming, to say the le ast. Upchuck - No, no... they're always shy at first. It makes them more mysterious. Spatula Man - Hey, if they won't come to you, Carlos, the Spatula Man ain't too proud to go to them! (jumps off speaker and lands behind the Fashion Club)

Stacy - Hey! Tiffany - Ow! Sandi - Watch it, Spatula Geek! Spatula Man - Hey, chickaritas! Which one of you lovelies wants to go out for a night on the town with my man Charles and win a free bumper sticker, on Z-93?! Sandi - Tiffany, dear. Would you please explain to the Spatula Man why a bumper sticker cannot possibly compensate for the shame and permanent reputation damage involved in a single date with Charles Ruttheimer. Tiffany - (into microphone) Upchuck? Eww... Sandi - Well done. (Fashion Club leaves) Spatula Man - Hey! How about you? Up for a date with our Don Juan de Lawndale? Daria - Um, no thanks. Spatula Man - Don't you want to hear your voice on the radio? Come on, you look like you could use a date. Upchuck - Climb on up here, kitten. Let me be your ball of yarn. (growls seducti vely) Daria - Okay, you talked me into it. Spatula Man - You hear that, everybody? Daria - I'll just run home first and take a ten-year shower. (leaves) (at Daria's house) Jake - (pounds on bed) Damn bed! Come on! I need lumbar support! Lumbar support! Ruth - Jake! Calm down. Your father never used to carry on like this. Jake - Of course not. Expressing emotion requires a soul. Ruth - What's that supposed to mean? Dad was a decent, caring man. Jake - Oh, sure he was! Caring enough to ship me off to military school first ch ance he got! Ruth - But you asked for more structure in your life! Jake - All I said was I might want to go to tennis camp! Ruth - Oh, that's right. Jake - But Dad twisted my words around. The same way he twisted my entire adoles cence into a bitter hangman's noose of resentment and isolation. He wouldn't eve n teach me to shave! Ruth - Now, Jake, you know your father had a razor phobia. Jake - I had to learn behind the munitions hut from Corporal Ellenbogen.

Ruth - That man with one thumb? (in the living room) (Helen hangs drapes, Quinn plays "Operation") (game buzzes) Helen - Daria, what do you think of this pattern? Your grandmother seems to thin k our current drapes aren't cheery enough. I'll show her cheery. Daria - This might not be the best time for you to be working near large panes o f glass. Quinn - Oh! (game buzzes) Darn it! I thought this surgery thing would be a lot e asier. Daria - Don't worry. When you operate on real people, their noses don't light up . Quinn - Can you believe the stomach on this patient guy? No wonder he has to get all this stuff removed. (phone rings) Daria - Um, Quinn? That is the phone, isn't it? Quinn - Sorry, I'm studying. Daria - (answers) Hello? (beat) Mom, it's Marianne at the office. Helen - I'll just have to call her back. Use the message pad. Daria - Message pad? (grabs notepad) She'll have to get back to you when she reg ains her sanity. (beat) No, I don't know when that'll be. (beat) Okay. Bye. (han gs up) (phone rings again) Daria - (answers) Hello? (beat) Yes, Quinn's here, but she's studying. (beat) "S tud-y-ing." (beat) No, this isn't prank call. You called me. (beat) Okay. I'll t ell her. (hangs up) That was-Quinn - Message pad! (Daria leaves) Quinn - (game buzzes) Darn gall bladder! (in Jake's room) Jake - No matter what I did, he'd always done it better! Ruth - He gave me $50 a month for my allowance. Allowance! As if keeping his hou se spotless and raising his children was only worth the price of a couple of gir dles! Jake - Tried to mold me into a soldier, but did he ever let me have a G.I. Joe? Didn't want his boy playing with dolls, he said.

Ruth - Oh, Jake! I wanted you to have that doll! Jake - It was an action figure! (Daria arrives) Ruth - I'm sorry, Jakey. If I could do it all over, I'd stand up for you against your father. As a matter of fact, I'd do a lot of things differently. (gasps) O h... oh, my... (sighs, lies down on bed) Feel a little faint. My chest. Jake - Mommy? (shouts at ceiling) See what you've done, old man? How many more l ives, Dad? How many more lives? (Daria leaves) (in living room) Helen - Daria? What's going on up there? Daria - I think we may have another patient on our hands. (at Jane's house) Daria - Anyway, the doctor checked her out and she's okay. It was just gas from my mother's "heart-smart" lima bean cupcakes. Jane - She collapsed right next to your dad? That's so sweet -- I mean, in a twi sted, horrible sort of way. Daria - I guess. Jane - They're not still in bed together, are they? Daria - Heart disease, borderline psychosis... I shudder to think what lies behi nd door number three in the Morgendorffer genetic code. Jane - It could be worse -- you could come from a family of wacky morning deejay s. Daria - Don't remind me. Between Dad and the Party Van, life's become a living h ell at home and at school. Jane - Don't worry, the van will move on soon. Or be destroyed in a mysterious b ombing. I haven't decided yet. Daria - There's no place left for me to hide. Jane - You could always dive into a wooded thicket. (Daria stares at her) Hey, i t works for bunnies. (at school) Jeffy - (screams) Z-93 makes me mental in the morning! (gasps and collapses) (students cheer and shout) Daria - I've seen more people collapse this week. Bing - That was pretty good. But good enough to win a T-shirt? I don't think so.

Spatula Man - There must be some other students out there who can tell us on the air why Z-93 makes them mental in the morning! Students - (all clamoring) Me, me, me, me! Bing - You there, in the green. Yeah, you! Daria - Once again, I'm being personally addressed by a morning deejay. Jane - That's it, I want your autograph. Spatula Man - You've been avoiding us all week long. Why not come up here and te ll us why Z-93 makes you mental in the morning?! Bing - Free T-shirt! Jane - It's two sizes too large and tissue-thin. How can you resist? Daria - I'd finally have a decent outfit for the auto show. Jane - But... are you mental in the morning? Daria - You know, I think I am. (goes up on stage) (students cheer) Daria - A few days ago, my father had a heart attack, forcing me to admit his mo rtality to myself for the first time. Accepting this grim new knowledge has been especially difficult, as I've been under constant, yammering assault by two utt erly brainless and talentless so-called radio personalities. And so, for these r easons, I, Daria Morgendorffer, am mental in the morning. (utter silence) (tires squeal as van drives off) (at Daria's house) Helen - What do you think? It's basically your chili recipe but with half the fa t. Ruth - (tastes chili) Jake will know the difference. He grew up with my chili. Helen - And now he's had a heart attack. Ruth - I'm sure you did the best you could. Chili's not easy for someone who so rarely gets to cook for her family. Helen - Now, Ruth, I... (Quinn gasps) Both - Quinn? Quinn - Did you know the heart can take blue blood and make it red? Ruth - Quinn, if you don't take your nose out of that book from time to time, yo u're going to get wrinkles. Quinn - I thought of that, but the lady at the makeup counter said reading is ok

ay as long as I pace myself. Ruth - Wouldn't it be easier just to marry a nice doctor? Then you could stay ho me with your children and have dinner on the table for your husband every night. Helen - Just what are you getting at, Ruth? Daria - She wants you both to model your lives after hers. And who could blame h er? After all, you were just telling Dad yesterday how you made all the right de cisions in your life. Right, Grandma? Ruth - I... well... I need to check on the laundry. (leaves) Daria - You both owe me. (leaves) Helen - How does she do that? Quinn - You got me. (in Jake's room) Daria - How are you feeling, "Jakey"? Jake - Oh, better, I guess. It's just a little difficult when your first major o rgan decides to betray you. Daria - Just be thankful your pancreas is still on your side. Jake - Daria, how am I doing? As a dad? Daria - Um... I'm not sure what you mean. Jake - My father always had to point out how I was screwing up, and that screwed me up. I just want to make sure I never make you girls feel that way -- less wo rthwhile or intelligent than your old man. Daria - Here, I did the hard parts of the crossword for you. Jake - Thanks, kiddo. Daria - Don't worry, Dad. I'm sure you're doing better than your father did. For starters, wasn't he dead at your age? Jake - Hey! (in kitchen) Quinn - Do doctors in operating rooms have to wear these masks? Because they can 't be good for your pores. Helen - Not now, Quinn! I mixed up the sugar and the salt again. Jake - (runs in) Yahoo! I'm better than him! Better than him at living! He was d ead at my age! Wahoo! (runs out) Ruth - Was that Jakey? Quinn - Mom, does this mean Daddy isn't going to die? Helen - I think it's safe to say that Daddy's better now, honey.

(Helen and Quinn look at each other) Quinn - Where's that message pad? Helen - You can use this phone, I'll use my cellular. (phones beep as they dial) Jake - (runs around outside) Yay! Hello, front lawn! Hello, garbage truck! Merry Christmas, you wonderful old garden gnome! (at Pizza King) Jane - So Grandma Ruth just took off? Daria - She finally realized she was doing more harm than good. Jane - And did you, perhaps, help her realize that? Daria - I may have had a hand in her epiphany. Jane - I hope you washed it thoroughly. So, with the Party Van gone, I guess you r life is back to normal at school and at home. Daria - You know, as stupid as both places are, I see now that they could be a l ot worse. Jane - Why, Daria, are you becoming an optimist? Daria - Hmm, I'm not sure. Hold up your glass. (Jane holds up glass) Nope... sti ll half-empty. Jane - Guess it was just a phase. Daria - Although the half that's there looks delightfully refreshing. (Z-93 Party Van pulls up) Spatula Man (over loudspeaker) - All right, party pizza people! This is the Z-93 Party Van, and we'll be broadcasting live all week from right here at the best pizza place in town! Now, who here digs key chains? (crowd cheers) (Daria and Jane exchange looks) (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Speedtrapped Episode #310 Written by Sam Johnson and Chris Marcil (opening theme song) (sitting in car on city street)

Daria - Look, Mike. We've been doing this on a regular basis for some time now, and I enjoy seeing you and all, but I feel like our relationship would be so muc h better if we could just get past this one little hurdle. Mike - I agree, Daria. Show me you can parallel park and we'll never speak of it again. Daria - Will you at last tell me how I'm doing? Mike - You know I can't do that until I fill out the official form. (Daria successfully parallel parks) Mike - Yes! Yes! At last! Daria - I'll take that as a hint. (at Jane's house) (Daria drives up and shows Jane her license) Jane - Wow. Licensed to drive. The grotesque picture makes it official. Daria - Thanks. Jane - So now that you're in the government's master computer for the rest of yo ur life, let's celebrate. (inside) (Jane gets frozen cake out of refrigerator) Jane - Ta-da! Daria - Um, looks kind of old. Jane - Yeah, well, I baked it way back when you took the test the first time. Daria - You baked this? Jane - Baked, bought. Let's not ruin the moment with a lot of technical mumbo-ju mbo. (Trent and the band arrive) Trent - Cake. Jesse - Cool. Jane - It's for Daria. Daria - He can have some. I mean, they can have some. Trent - What's up? Birthday? Jane - She got her license. Nick - Whoa! This thing is really hard and cold. You think it's frozen?

Jane - Could be, Nick, could be. It just might have to thaw out. Jesse - I'll wait. Max - No you won't. We can't hang around, man. We've got a world tour! World tou r! Jesse - Then we'd better find a hammer. Come on, Nick. (leaves with cake) Jane - Hey, that's Daria's! Daria - Let 'em go. They'll give it a good home. What world tour? Trent - We got a gig in Fremont, 100 miles away. Daria - It's a small world after all. Jane - If I could talk to the animals. Anyway, I told you about that, remember? I'm the road management coordinator? Trent - You mean we're paying you 20 bucks to drive us. Jane - Let's not cloud the horizon with a lot of semantic hair-splitting. Trent - You ought to come along, Daria. Jane - Forget it! I tried. She's house-sitting. Daria - My folks are going away for the weekend, and I told them I'd keep Quinn from turning the place into a modeling agency. Trent - Too bad. It's gonna to be cool. Daria - Yeah. Um, my dad took me with him to Fremont once on a business trip. Is n't it even deader than Lawndale? Max - Hey, not after the Spiral gets there! We're criminales! We live life on th e edge! You go up against the Spiral, we're gonna take you down! (ice cracks) Jesse - (shouts) We broke the cake. Max - See what I mean? (at Daria's house) SSW Announcer - Meet the killer whale with a license to practice law. Orca in th e Court, tonight on Sick, Sad World. Jake - But how should I know where you put your earrings? I don't wear the darn things. Helen - Yes, well, I don't wear your shoes, but somehow I always trip over them. Jake - I don't think that makes sense. Helen - You don't make sense. Jake - You!

Helen - Can we just go, please? (to Daria) We did tell you how proud we are that you got your license, didn't we, sweetie? Daria - Oh, I just sensed it. Helen - Good. Okay, if there's an emergency your father and I will be at the "Ma king Marriage Magic" seminar at the Ramada. Jake - I thought you said it was "First Aid for the Heart" at the Doubletree. Helen - Oh, Jake! Let's just have silence, okay? No talking. Jake - You! Helen - Jake... (Helen and Jake leave) Daria - Ah... magic time. (soft rock begins as Fashion Club arrives) Quinn - Good, they're gone. We're all alone. Daria - Uh, excuse me, but I'm here. Quinn - Oh, all right, you can stay. But if you could be really, really quiet, t hat would be great. Tiffany - Do you think I'd look good with this hair? (holds up magazine) Quinn - Mmm, it's a little too Professor Know-It-All. Tiffany - Oh, yeah. Good point. (phone rings) Daria - (answers) Hello? You're where? (split-screen between Daria and Jane) Jane - Jail! You gotta come get us out. Daria - What happened? Jane - That's the good part. I got it on tape. When Mike Wallace gets through wi th these backwater cops, they're not gonna know what hit 'em. (flashback through camcorder) Max - Maybe you should put that camera away. We don't want to antagonize this gu y. Trent - Hey, Max, I thought you were a criminale. Max - I am. It's the cop I'm worried about. If he goes up against me, I mean. Jane - Don't worry, Max. This is gonna look great in your video.

Officer - Hi, kids. Hi, Mom. Peace! (chuckles, sighs) I don't know if you know i t but you swerved over the double line a couple of times back there. 'Fraid I'm gonna have to write you up a ticket. Can I see your license, miss? Jane - Okay, but do you think you could be just a little more menacing? Officer - How about this? Grr, grr! (chuckles) Jane - I was hoping you could drag one of the these guys out of the car and beat him. Max, you're by a door. Max - No! Cut it out! Officer - Oh, gee, I don't think so. Jane - What if you just kind of bumped him a little? Max - Hey! (in the present) Daria - Wow, sounds really brutal. But why are you in jail if he just gave you a ticket? Jane - We're from out of state, so we're supposed to pay the fine at the sheriff 's office right away. It's a hundred bucks, and we don't have it. Daria - I don't, either. Jane - Obviously. Look, go over to my house. Use the door with the broken lock. There's some money in the living room table, in the drawer with the missing hand le. Oh, and while you're there, Trent wants you to pick up his song notebook. It 's under his bed in the burnt shoe box. Daria - How am I supposed to get it to you? Jane - You have a license, don't you? And listen, hurry up. I'm a survivor, but I'm not so sure about the other guys. (in the band's cell) Max - (sobs) He was going to drag me out of the car and beat me! Trent - Be cool, man. Jesse - You could have had him. Nick - Don't worry. Trent - Don't wig out. Jesse - You could have taken him. (Daria hangs up) Daria - Oh, boy. I knew I wasn't ready for this. Quinn - What's the matter? Stacy - (holds up magazine) It's these shoes. (sobs) They're just so beautiful!

Sandi - It's okay. Quinn - Don't cry. Tiffany - I can lend you some money. (at Jane's house) (Daria rummages under Trent's bed) Daria - Please, God, no amusing surprises. Ah. (pulls notebook out) Um... maybe just a peek. "My heart is like an open wound that reads the tea leaves of its do om." What? "Soothe me with redemption's love like a heat-proof kitchen glove." G od, I hope this is a first draft. (at Daria's house) (Daria gets into car) Daria - Okay, car, this is strictly between us. Don't ask, don't tell. (starts e ngine) (Quinn gets into car) Quinn - Okay, let's do it! Daria - Quinn, what are you doing? Quinn - I'm not gonna just sit here while you drive off to some far, unknown lan d to get your friends out of jail! What if something unexpected happens? Daria - You're worried about me? Quinn - Let me rephrase that: what if something cool happens? Daria - Well, I suppose it would be smart in case there's some emergency. Quinn - Great. I get to pick the music. (turns on light pop music) Daria - Isn't there something else on? Quinn - Forget it. This is the only music I can listen to. Daria - Well, can you turn it down? Quinn - You're not the boss of me! Now, are we busting your friends out of jail or not? (on the freeway) (Daria drives slowly and cautiously) Quinn - Tense? Daria - No. There's a lot of stuff going on. You have no idea how complicated dr iving is. Quinn - It's not so hard.

Daria - How would you know? Dah! A giant truck! Quinn - Pull over, Daria. (car pulls over, then drives off with Quinn behind the wheel) Daria - I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe I'm letting you do this. I can't believe we're doing this. Hey, when did you learn to drive? Quinn - God, Daria, what do you think people do on dates? Daria - Aren't you terrified? Quinn - It's all about attitude. You're too timid, Daria. I could do this all da y. Daria - Actually, I wouldn't mind if... Quinn - Your turn. (pulls car over) Daria - But you just started. (sees hitchhiker approaching) No way! We are not p icking up some insane, murdering serial killer. How reckless can you get? Quinn - He's not a killer. I recognize him. It's... Sandi's cousin from Memphis. Daria - Mom and Dad would crucify us. Quinn - (sarcastically) Right, but taking the car out for a hundred-mile joyride won't bother them at all. Face it, Daria, you're already accessorizing. Daria - You mean, I'm an accessory? Quinn - Whatever. Look, lighten up. You drive and I'll keep him from murdering u s. Travis - Howdy! I sure do appreciate this. Quinn - You're not going to murder us, are you? Travis - Shoot, no. Quinn - See? All you have to do is ask. (Quinn gets into back seat with Travis) (at the Fremont sheriff's office) Officer - Here. Get to know some tourists. (closes cell door) Stan - Hey, I know my rights. (to guys) You guys a band? Max - Yeah. Stan - I used to know a few musicians in my time, back when they did it for love , not the money. Perhaps you fellows have heard of Jimi Hendrix. Nick - (awed) You knew Hendrix? Stan - You know how he played solos with his teeth?

Trent - You taught him that? Stan - No, but one time when he broke a string, I drove him to the dentist. (in Jane's cell) (Jane draws on wall as woman approaches) Sally - That's not bad. Jane - Thanks. It's a copy. Sally - I want one. Jane - I think you can get a poster of the original. Sally - I don't want it for my wall. (points at her upper arm) Jane - (nervously) Huh. (driving down the highway) Travis - Well, that ornery bull caught sight of my red shirt and that was about it. He must have chased me around that pasture ten times before I could climb ov er the fence. Quinn - Wow, Travis, what a great story! Daria - Yeah. It was just as good as the first time I saw it... on Little House on the Prairie. Travis - Heck, Dareeah, we could go find that bull right now. The pasture's only 20 miles away. Daria - We have to get to Fremont and bail out the band. Quinn - Come on, Daria. Stop being timid. Daria - Stop being reckless. Travis - Band? Hey, what a coincidence! I'm a musician, too. Daria - Well, bust my legs and call me Shorty. Quinn - Play us something, Travis. Travis - Do you like country music? Quinn - It's practically the only music I can listen to. Daria - Wait, I thought... Quinn - Shut up, Shorty. Go ahead and play us something, Travis. Travis - Here's a little tune from Mr. Conway Twitty. Hope you like it. (plucks guitar) (at the Fremont sheriff's office) Sally - Aw, shoot, this don't even hurt.

Jane - Of course not. I'm using a rollerball. Sally - What?! I told you, I want a tattoo. Jane - It is a tattoo. It's just not permanent. Sally - Hey, I don't know what you're trying to pull, but I want something that' s gonna last. Some of your art there. And you're gonna give it to me. Jane - How's it gonna be my art, sister, if you're dictating the medium of expre ssion? (stares woman down) Sally - (grumbles) Okay, but press hard! Jane - Oh, I'll be pressing. (driving down the highway) Travis - (sings) So don't call him a cowboy until you see him ride. Daria - Well, thanks for the unforgettable two hours of great country music. Quinn - It was super! Travis - Man, you don't know how nice it is to meet some real classic country fa ns. Daria - Well, give us a call when you do. Quinn - Don't listen to her, Travis. Travis - Hey, she's just showing off that city gal sense of humor. Deep down, I know she's a cowgirl. (car stops at Mad Dawg's bar) Thank you both kindly. Bye, now. (leaves) Quinn - Bye! Good luck with your audition! (gets into front seat) What a nice gu y... and talented. Daria - Yes, he's mastered the art of sticking out his thumb. Quinn - And we'd never have met him if you'd had your way. I don't think you're a cowgirl at all. Daria - I thought you couldn't listen to country music. Quinn - Oh, yeah. Thanks for reminding me. (turns on light pop music) (at the Fremont sheriff's office) Stan - Then Sid -- Sid Vicious -- put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Stan, y ou taught me how to play, you taught me how to look, you taught me attitude. You know what you did? You invented punk." Two days later, he was dead. Nick - Really? Max - No way. Stan - Yes, way. That's how it happened. I know, because I was there.

Jesse - Whoa, cool. Trent - You got a lot of stories, I'll say that. Stan - That's just the tip of the iceberg, my man. Got many more, many more... b ut I can feel my blood sugar on the brink of a plunge. I don't suppose you've sq uirreled away any emergency sustenance? Jesse - Huh? Stan - You got any food? Trent - Sorry, man. Nick - Sorry, dude. Trent - All tapped out. Max - Uh-huh. Jesse - Wait -- cake. Stan - Excellent. (grabs cake and starts eating) Wh... where was I? Oh, yes. The birth of KISS, and how I taught Gene Simmons to put on makeup. (in Jane's cell) Sally - So, you're saying that aliens like art, too? Jane - No, I'm simply posing the question, what if an eggbeater is considered gr eat art on Mars; would that make it art to us? Sally - Hell, an eggbeater can be evidence. Why not art? Officer - What the heck is going on here? Jane - Temporary tattoos. Fun for the whole family. Officer - I mean that flag. It's all the wrong colors. Jane - It's an homage to Jasper Johns, an important late-20th Century artist. Be sides, I don't have red. Officer - Lady, you just crossed a major line. We do not make sport of our natio n's star-spangled banner in this here establishment. Jane - You don't get it -- it's art. Officer - Wrong. It's a trip to the sheriff! And I don't think he's gonna like w hat he sees. (outside the Fremont sheriff's office) Daria - We made it. I did it. I got us here in one piece. Quinn - Slowly. Daria - But surely. Now, let's deal with the law. (looks through backpack) Oh, b oy. This isn't right. (looks through glove compartment) Oh, no. This is very bad . Very bad.

Quinn - What's wrong? Daria - A cute cowboy stole our money! (commercial bumper music begins, then is interrupted) Quinn - Um, actually, that's not entirely true. Daria - What? Quinn - Remember when we stopped at that little town so you could unclench your hands? Travis and I kind of went shopping. Daria - That money was for Jane and Trent. Quinn - I know, but Travis bought me an outfit, and he was so excited, he forgot to pay, and anyway, he didn't have any money, and I think it's really gingham. Daria - You spent all of Jane's money on clothes? Quinn - Of course not! I lent the rest to Travis for a bus ticket home. Don't wo rry, he's gonna repay us when he gets back. Daria - You moron. How are we supposed to get Jane and Trent out of jail? Quinn - Oh... see, I told you something unexpected would happen. (chuckles nervo usly) (outside Mad Dawg's) Quinn - What are you going to say to him? Daria - What am I going to say to him? You're going to tell him the truth. You g ave him money that wasn't yours and you need it back. Quinn - Oh, Daria. Are we that desperate that we have to resort to the truth? Daria - When this is all over, remind me to run screaming into the night. (girls enter bar) Daria - Okay, maybe this wasn't such a great idea. Quinn - It's just a bar. They're all alike. Daria - How would you know? Quinn - God, Daria, what do you think people do on... Daria - Never mind. (to bartender) Excuse me, but you wouldn't have seen a cowbo y come in recently? (everyone there is a cowboy) Um, he was kind of, you know, r ugged looking. (everyone there is rugged looking) He was here to audition for a job singing. Bartender - We've had a few people in here like that. Daria - This guy sings country music. Bartender - Like I said.

Daria - Right, of course. Okay, well, thanks for your time. Good luck cleaning t hose glasses. (outside Mad Dawg's) Quinn - What was that? He didn't tell us anything. Daria - I know. These cowboy guys are all alike. Quinn - Daria, all guys are all alike. The secret is knowing how to ask them. Daria - And how am I supposed to ask them? Quinn - You can't just be all meek and respectful. You have to remember that lin e about how you catch more flies with money. Daria - Excuse me, but if it weren't for your total recklessness, it wouldn't ma tter that I'm meek, because we wouldn't be in this situation. Quinn - Don't worry, I may be reckless but I'm also a problem-solver. Hand me th at bag, will you? (Daria and Quinn re-enter Mad Dawg's) (Quinn, dressed as a cowgirl, climbs on top of bar) Daria - Uh, Quinn? Quinn - Attention, guys. We're just two little city gals from Lawndale. Cowboy #1 - Lawndale's a suburb. Quinn - Right. And we know we shouldn't be here, but some friends of ours got pu lled over by the sheriff recently. We brought the bail money to get them out, an d now some mean old cowboy's stolen it. Now, I'm not saying all cowboys are mean or old or thieves, but it does make me think twice about ever considering a cow boy for a boyfriend. (cowboys murmur) Cowboy #1 - Well, heck, little lady, I've been pulled over myself. It's humiliat ing, and bad for the soul. Here's ten bucks. (puts money into jar) Cowboy #2 - Doggone it, we're not all bad, little miss. Take 20. (puts money int o jar) Cowboy #3 - Now hold on. How do you know we're not the ones being flimflammed he re? You fast-talking suburban gals think you can just march in and con some cowb oys? Is that your game? Quinn - (nervously) Um, no, not at all! Cowboy #3 - You think we're a bunch of dumb hicks. What do you know about us? Daria - I don't call 'em cowboys till I see 'em ride. Cowboy #3 - What? Daria - 'Cause a Stetson hat and them fancy boots don't tell me what's inside.

Cowboy #3 - Hey, that's Conway Twitty. You like Conway Twitty music? Daria - You bet your lonesome prairie campfire I do, partner. Cowboy #3 - All right! Now these are cowgirls. Fellas, step on up here and empty your pockets. (everyone starts putting money into jar) Quinn - We'll be through the criminal justice system and home in time for Buffy. Good thinking, Daria! Daria - Shut up, Shorty. (at the Fremont sheriff's office) Officer - Now, I'm not gonna have to come out and stop you from chasing your hus band with a skillet again, am I? Sally - Well, that depends. You think you can come out and stop him from saying or doing something stupid first? Officer - I wish. But I don't have time to ride herd on every stupid man in this county. Especially judges. (woman leaves) Daria - Uh, hi. We're here to pick up our friend, Jane Lane. Officer - Who? Daria - Jane Lane, and Trent Lane. They're with a band. Officer - Oh, yeah, they're not here anymore. They're with... the sheriff. (at the VFW hall) (sounds of shrill screaming from within) Quinn - That doesn't sound very good. Daria - You go first. Quinn - You go first. Daria - Together. (inside the VFW hall) (more screaming, shrieking, and soft guitar playing) (Daria and Quinn find Jane giving kids temporary tattoos) Jane - Finally. Daria - Sorry. It's been a long day. Jane - Tell me about it. Daria - How'd you get out of jail?

Jane - Well, it was a little dicey with that jerk deputy. Oops, sorry, Tina. Tina - It's okay. When Daddy puts on the uniform, he's a whole different person. Jane - But lucky for me, the sheriff's a big fan of Picasso. Daria - Not bad. Jane - It's his daughter's birthday. We're working off our debt to society. Daria - We? Where's the band? (in the other room) Trent - One, two, three, four! Stan - (sings) I've been working on the railroad... Trent - (sings) Every pointless day! Stan - (sings) I've been working on the railroad... Trent - (sings) While my life gets pissed away! Stan - (sings) Can't you hear the whistle blowing? Trent - (sings) Shatter my dreams in the morn! Stan - (sings) Can't you hear the capt'n shouting? Trent - (sings) Wish I was never born! (cheering and applause) Trent - Thank you, thank you. Stan - Play all night! Daria - I guess we're a little late, but maybe you want this, anyway. (hands not ebook to Trent) Trent - Excellent. You didn't read any of this, did you? Daria - Uh... no. Trent - Cool. It's kind of personal. Okay, guys, this next number's an original tune. It's called "Paingasm." Hope you enjoy it. One, two, three, four! (starts strumming) (outside the VFW hall) Jane - So, it appears you Morgendorffer girls can actually get along, hmm? Daria - For brief periods, spaced many days apart. Quinn - We did make a pretty good team. Daria - Maybe you should quit the Fashion Club and we could just go around solvi ng crimes.

Quinn - But that's what the Fashion Club is all about: solving crimes against fa shion. Daria - I hope jail wasn't too bad for you. Trent - Nah. Nick - We met the guy who invented punk music and introduced rice to the Japanes e. Jesse - Cool guy. Trent - You didn't really believe him, did you? Nick - Hey, man, you weren't there; he was. Max - Hey, look! They made me a junior deputy! (driving back home) Daria - That was nice what you said -- that we make a good team. Quinn - I guess sometimes being timid works just as well as being confident. Daria - I'm not timid. Quinn - Oh, my gosh, look! It's Travis! (leans out window) Daria - Seriously, do you really think I'm timid? Quinn - Yes, but it doesn't matter. (shouts and waves) It's Travis! Daria - I'm not timid. (Daria accelerates and aims car at Travis) Quinn - What are you doing? Daria? Daria! (Quinn screams as Daria runs over Travis' suitcase) Daria - Okay, now do you think I'm timid? Quinn - Um, no. Why don't we just put on some music and relax? Daria - I'll pick the music. Quinn - Fair enough. (Daria turns on country music) Quinn - Ew! Daria - You know, I'm starting to like this stuff. (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts

The Lawndale File Episode #311 Written by Peter Elwell (opening theme song) (at school auditorium) Ms. Li - Settle down, young people! Now, before the varsity interpretive dance t eam begins its performance -- "History, We Are You" -- we have a brief announcem ent from some special guests, agents... (agents shoulder Ms. Li away from podium) Male Agent - No names. Female Agent - No credentials. Male Agent - Student, we'll be brief. We've received some disturbing reports fro m this school, and we're asking for your cooperation. Female Agent - Keep your eyes open. Watch for people who are different. They kno w who they are. Male Agent - And with your help, kids, so will we. (students begin muttering) Jane - "Different," eh? Hmm... I wonder what I get if I turn you in? Daria - More free time to spend with Kevin and Brittany. Jane - Curse you different ones and your insidious logic. (at Jane's house) SSW Announcer - (on TV) From outer space to in your face! Aliens walk among us! A Sick, Sad World exclusive. Daria - Oh, look, they're going to explain the return of disco. Man - (on TV) The aliens aren't coming. They're already here. They could be your friends, your family. They act almost normal, but something's off. Jane - Yes, the TV. (turns TV off) If there were any aliens smart enough to come here, they wouldn't be stupid enough to come here. Daria - There goes my trick ear again. What was that? Jane - Let's say I'm an alien and you're you. Daria - Part of this better be hypothetical. Jane - Now, why would I, a being from the highly advanced planet Zippotron, trav el light-years just to take over your body and go to high school? Daria - Because Wednesday's Jell-O day? Jane - Exactly. Wouldn't it make more sense to rig up some remote system of cont rol? Neck implants or something? Then they could make you do stuff like go to th

e mall or think about hair without actually having to do it themselves. Makes mo re sense than a full-scale infiltration. Daria - Oh, yes. Much, much more sense. Jane - All right, then. (guitar strumming cheerily) Daria - What is that music? Jane - I don't know. It's been going on for two days. Daria - You don't know how much I want you to tell me that isn't Trent playing. Jane - You don't know how much I wish I could. Daria - Hmm... maybe there's something to your remote control theory after all. (at Daria's house) Helen - Come on, Daria. Something interesting must have happened yesterday. Daria - Hmm... nope. Jake - How about that friend of yours? What's new with her? Daria - Not much. Helen - What about the newspaper? Read anything interesting lately? Daria - Hmm. I did see an article by an efficiency expert who claims one really intense conversation with your child over breakfast is worth a whole week of unf ocused parenting. Did you catch that article? (uncomfortable pause) Helen - Well... how about TV? Seen anything good recently? Daria - Just the usual crazy guy claiming aliens are walking our streets. Helen - Well, of course they are. Many of them can't afford a car. No shame in t hat. Daria - Hmm... what?! (phone rings) Helen - I'll get it! Jake, keep up the momentum. Jake - Ten-four. Heck, Daria, your mother's right. We were all aliens at one poi nt or another, right, kiddo? Helen - (answers phone) Hellooo? Daria - We were all aliens? Helen - Quinn, telephone! Quinn - (offscreen) I'll take it up here!

Helen - Why didn't she come down for breakfast? Daria, is anything wrong with Qu inn? Daria - If this weren't a school day, I might have the time to begin answering t hat. (Quinn enters) Quinn - Morning! Jake - Morning, sunshine. Helen - Why, look at your hat. Daria - What's with the new look, daddy-o? Quinn - New look? What new look? I'm dressed like I am every day, more or less. Jane - (voiceover) Neck implants or something? Makes more sense than a full-scal e infiltration. Helen - (voiceover) Well, of course they are. Many of them can't afford a car. Jake - (voiceover) We were all aliens at one point or another. Right, kiddo? Daria - (voiceover) You know that spending too much time with your family makes you hear voices. Get out! (out loud) Well, me, oh my, look at the time. I'd bett er get to school. Bye! (leaves) Helen - Well, that was odd. Quinn, is anything wrong with Daria? Quinn - If this weren't a school day, I might have time... Jake - It's not like her to act so prejudiced against immigrants. Quinn - What? Helen - All of a sudden, she doesn't like aliens. Quinn - Who does? Aliens impregnate you and then they pop out of your chest and kill you while you're trying to eat lunch. What's to like? Gotta go! Bye! (leave s) Helen - What exactly are they teaching about immigration at that school? Jake - I don't know, honey, but that sounds like a fascinating topic for a discu ssion! Helen - Oh, Jake, give it up. (leaves) (Jake instantly falls asleep) (at school) Daria - No, I'm not saying Quinn's an evil space creature. Jane - Oh, go ahead. It sounds so cool. Daria - I just think it's strange that she's suddenly covering up her neck.

(Kevin and Brittany walk past) Jane - Hmm. When was the last time you saw Kevin without his neck thing? Daria - You're talking implants? Brittany - I heard that, and it's not true! (leaves) Jane - I guess she thought you meant her U.F.O.s. (Mr. O'Neill enters) Mr. O'Neill - U.F.O.s? (shivers) Have you been watching The X-Files? I know I ha ve. Daria - And that's good. Mr. O'Neill - But you know what's interesting? Jane - Why do you encourage him? Mr. O'Neill - All this creepy science fiction is just a throwback to the old Col d War paranoia. Daria - Aliens in the sky, communists under the bed. Mr. O'Neill - Exactly, Daria! And accusations flying, all because of atomic jitt ers. (Joey and Jeffy walk past) Mr. O'Neill - (to Daria and Jane) You're a communist! You're an alien! Daria - (to Jane) Trade you Cuba for Jupiter. Mr. O'Neill - One stood for the other in those old movies. Daria - Now tell us about the time before microwave popcorn. Mr. O'Neill - Oh, gosh, does that take me back! (at Quinn's locker) Sandi - Quinn, if you refuse to explain your strange outfit, I'm afraid the Fash ion Club will have to consider sanctions. Quinn - I'll tell you later, I promise! I swear! It's not an anti-fashion statem ent. Sandi - Very well. But we have only your word to go on. (Joey and Jeffy enter) Joey - Hey, Quinn, Mr. O'Neill says that girl from your house is an atomic commu nist. Jeffy - Yeah, and her friend's an alien. Stacy - Eww!

Tiffany - Gross. (at Kevin's locker) Kevin - I knew it! It's just like when they made us have pep rallies for field h ockey. We're being invaded by communists! (Mack enters) Kevin - Bro! Daria and Jane are communists planted by the government to wreck te am sports. Mack - Remember that game when you fell on your head? Remember how you thought V ince Lombardi was sending you plays from hell? Kevin - Heaven, bro! Vince Lombardi did not go to hell. (Tiffany and Stacy walk past) Tiffany - But... if Quinn's cousin is an atomic communist from Mars, shouldn't s he have a more interesting outfit? Stacy - Stop it, Tiffany! You're scaring me! Tiffany - Sorry. Mack - Yeah, yeah, I heard it, too. (leaves with Kevin and Brittany) Upchuck - Two of my favorite luscious ladies out to enslave Earth males and end gym class? (purrs) Someone's been reading my dreams. (outside the school) Jane - A lot of weirdness around here lately. Daria - Yeah. I won't be sorry to see this day end. Jane - You say that every day. Daria - Oh, yeah. Jane - Although this one was especially strange. But the worst is over. (doors fly open) Mr. DeMartino - Remove these restraints! Governmental thugs! This isn't Stalingr ad! Male Agent - You're damn right, pal. And it isn't going to be. Mr. DeMartino - You can't do this. I'm an educator! Female Agent - Say it again! It only makes it easier. (agents leave with Mr. DeMartino) Jane - Um, the worst is over now? Daria - Don't bet on it.

(at Daria's house) (Daria walks past Quinn's bedroom) Stacy - Quinn, I'm so happy you're still one of us. Tiffany - Really. Quinn - Well, God, Stacy, what did you think? Sandi - Quinn's right, Stacy. Just because she was ot confiding in her dearest, most loyal friends is ally given up her sad charade and revealed herself es Daria) Um, let's resume discussing... plaids... Stacy - Plaids? Sandi - Yes, Stacy. Plaids. Stacy - (nervous) Okay, plaids. Quinn - I'll see you to the door and, you know, open it and stuff. (Fashion Club leaves) Stacy - (voiceover) Quinn, I'm so happy you're still one of us. Daria - (voiceover) Would you stop with the voices already? (on phone with Jane) Jane - Come on, not even aliens would give the planet to the Fashion Club. You'r e getting paranoid. Daria - I'm not talking about aliens. But there's something out there. Something stupid. Jane - You get rattled too easily. By the way, can you come over here right now? I'm really scared. Daria - I see. And to what do I owe this mood swing? Jane - It's Trent's song. You gotta listen and tell me if it's getting more chee rful. Daria - Now who's paranoid? Jane - Come on, I'll order a pizza. And don't tell your folks where you're going . I don't want your mother getting all... motherly. (downstairs) Jake - Hey, kiddo! Going out? Daria - Yeah, I'm going for, um... a power walk. Jake - A power walk? (runs into kitchen) Helen, Helen, it's Daria! She just went for a walk! Helen - That's encouraging. acting completely weird and n no reason to decide she'd fin as a two-faced, little... (se later.

Jake - Encouraging?! Don't you see? Daria's turning wholesome and Quinn's a beat nik. What's going on? Helen - Well, it's simple. They've switched personalities. (giggles) Jake - They have?! Helen - It's a joke, Jake. Geez! (Quinn enters) Jake - Oh, Quinn! Hi, honey! (normal voice) Your mother and I couldn't help noti cing you and Daria have been acting a little... different lately. Is there anyth ing we should know? Quinn - Uh, let me think. Today Mr. O'Neill said that Daria is some kind of comm unist and she's out to destroy the American way of life. Okay, I'm going to Sand i's. Bye! (leaves) Helen - Oh, my God! Did you hear that? Helen - Oh, Jake, that man O'Neill has a screw loose. Besides, communists like d owntrodden aliens. Quinn - (enters) I remember now. He said she was an atomic communist. Okay, see you! (leaves) Jake - Gak! An atomic communist! Helen - Jake, if you want I'll call that Mr. DeMartino. He's a bit high-strung b ut he's a fixture at that school, and he can tell us if anything odd is happenin g. Quinn - (enters) Oh, yeah, and Mr. DeMartino was led off in handcuffs. Toodle-oo ! (leaves) Jake - God! G-g-g-g... Helen - Oh, my. (walking to Jane's house) (branches rustle) Daria - Come on now. Aliens don't hide in the bushes. It's probably just a stalk er. Yes, a stalker out to plant a teen in a shallow grave. Perfectly normal. I f eel much better now. (walks down street) (kissing and moaning sounds) Brittany - But, Kevvy. Kevvy! Kevin - Huh? Brittany - Didn't you say we were going to follow her and save the world and stu ff? Kevin - Oh, yeah. But I don't think we have to save the world right this second.

Brittany - Great! (Kevin and Brittany resume making out) Upchuck - (purrs softly) Que passionato! Kevin - Hey! We're trying to save the world here! (all shine flashlights at each other) Upchuck - And I'm trying to find the space maidens' ship so they can take me bac k and make me their love slave. Kevin - Oh, cool. (Jodie and Mack turn on their flashlights) Jodie - Well, you were right. Everyone has gone crazy. Mack - I knew you'd try something, Kevin. I figured I owed it to the team to kee p you from humiliating yourself. (bushes rustle) Mack - Mr. O'Neill? Don't tell me you're hunting communists, too? Mr. O'Neill - (laughs nervously) I wouldn't call it hunting. I heard a rumor abo ut secret police kidnapping educators and spiriting them off to the gulag. But m e? No. I frequently go for walks with a, um, flashlight in case the streetlights go out. Upchuck - These reds come red-hot from the red planet itself. We're talking Mars . Mr. O'Neill - Charles, I think you mean Marx. (drops flashlight) Darn! There goe s my flashlight again! Jodie - Where'd you drop it? (all begin searching for flashlight) (at Jane's house) Jane - You made it. Cool. I was starting to... whoa! (Daria and Jane stare at flashing lights in the woods) Mr. O'Neill - Found it! Jodie - Great. Now maybe you can answer our question. Why are we all sneaking ar ound with flashlights? (lights disappear one by one) Jane - Did we just see a U.F.O.? Daria - You're getting paranoid. It's probably just an informal get-together of local stalkers. You know, hang out, swap stories, try out each other's skeleton keys.

Jane - But only an idiot would go stalking with a flashlight. Daria - Come on. This is Lawndale. Jane - Oh, yeah. (in the woods) Mr. O'Neill - You're right, Jodie. We've all been acting very foolish. Kevin - Hey, man, speak for yourself. Mr. O'Neill - Oh! Sorry, Kevin. But I wonder if maybe a rally might be in order. You know, something before classes to promote understanding, remove the fear, a nd increase the peace. Kevin - That's when we have practice! He's trying to destroy football. He's one of them! Brittany - Who? Kevin - Um... I thought you knew. (at Jane's house) (guitar strums major chords) Jane - Is that song getting happier or am I just getting more miserable? Daria - It's verging on bouncy, all right. But please, continue with your deligh tful presentation. Jane - Okay, looky. (holds up drawing) You've got these government types at scho ol telling us to watch out for weird behavior. Then the alien nut on TV says the same thing. Meanwhile, your parents are weird, your sister is weird, and all th e kids at school look at us funny. Daria - That's not new. Jane - Yeah, but now there's respect. And that song? Maybe it's the alien signal and Trent's beckoning to the U.F.O. Daria - Ah, but the U.F.O. went away. Jane - Well, maybe aliens don't like sucky music and he's actually trying to sav e humanity. Daria - When do we get to the crop circles? (music stops) Jane - Uh-oh. The music stopped. (rolls up drawing and hides it under bed) (Trent enters) Trent - Hey... what's going on? Daria - Nothing. Jane - Nada.

Daria - Not a thing. Trent - Hmm... (uncomfortable pause) Daria - Um... that's some song you're working on. It's different. Trent - Nothing different about it. Nothing at all. I gotta go and, uh, practice my same music that uh... isn't any different from the other stuff I play. (leav es) Daria - What was that? Jane - You're starting to get weirded out, aren't you? Daria - No, absolutely not. (doorbell rings) Eep! (Jane slowly opens front door) Artie - Pizza! Jane and Daria - Aaaaah! (at Jane's house) Artie - Could you hurry up? I got other pizzas to deliver, and if I don't get th em there on time, they're free. I really gotta go. Daria - On your way over here, you didn't see any, um, lights in the sky or anyt hing? Artie - Oh, no! They're back?! (slams door closed) I hope they don't plan to exp eriment on me this time. I was a mess the last time. See, they replace your skin with synthetic skin that stretches real tight on your head in the summer. (in the kitchen) Artie - That's why they come at night. It makes it easier to steal your dreams. They got this big, big suction device that... (time passes) Artie - ... and anyone who tells you aliens are taking over their body is nuts. All they want is our skin 'cause your skin remembers what it feels. Trent - Hmm. Hey, you ever written any lyrics? Artie - Uh-oh. (pager beeps) Fired again? Man, this happens all the time. Ever s ince my encounter with those darn aliens! (at Daria's house) Jake - We've got to face it, Helen. We're the enemy! We're the people we marched against! That's why Daria has turned communist! That's why we've lost our littl e girl! Helen - Jake, Daria's never once called us capitalist pigs or running dogs for t he bosses. This is probably just her way of engaging in some kind of social acti

vity. Jake - Socialist, you mean! What's happened to us? The house, the cars, my relax ed-fit pants! All these things, all this relaxing? We've got to recapture that h ard moral core and get back to the soil. Helen - All right, Jake, no more coffee after dinner. (Daria enters) Helen - Back from your power walk, sweetie? Daria - Um... oh, yeah. Jake - So you're walking for power, is that it? Want to take over? Kick over the whole apple cart? Well, let me tell you, young lady, if it's a group you want t o join, there's a little bunch I know called the human race, and it ain't half b ad! Daria - Yeah. Thanks, Dad. That's tremendously helpful. (leaves) Jake - Ha! Helen - Let's just make that no more coffee for you ever. (at school) (Daria and Jane arrive at rally) Daria - Uh-oh. Jane - Yeah. Kevin - So that's why I say commies aren't team players, so keep them out of tea m sports. All right! Brittany - Yay, no commie team! Mr. O'Neill - Um, thank you, Kevin. But actually, the communist is your ultimate team player. The team is all; the individual, nothing. Kevin - Oh. Well then, never mind. All right! Brittany - Go, commies, go! (cheers and applause) Mr. O'Neill - Good morning. As you know, we're here to clear up some misundersta ndings and suspicions so we can all feel better about each other and ourselves. So without further ado, I present to you a work in progress, a solo performance I call "Nothing to Lose But His Chains: The Life of Karl Marx." The year is 1848 . (exercise tape begins playing) Mr. O'Neill - Oh, dear, that's my exercise tape. (Mr. DeMartino pushes through crowd) Mr. O'Neill - Anthony! You weren't kidnapped!

Mr. DeMartino - All right! I finally convinced those glorified dogcatchers from Immigration that I am not an illegal alien. But now I have a question. Who told them I was? Ms. Barch - Oh, anyone can make a mistake. Damn it! Upchuck - Maybe it was the mind control babes from space, Mr. D., trying to crea te a distraction. Mr. DeMartino - Who? Upchuck - Them. (points at Daria and Jane) (everone stares at Daria and Jane) Daria - Um, I hate to wreck a perfectly good lynching, but you're the ones actin g weird. Kevin - Us? Mr. O'Neill said you're out to destroy football. Mr. O'Neill - No! I was telling them about how communists and Martians are the s ame. Daria - That'll clear things up. Kevin - So there's no communist unfiltration? Upchuck - And there's no alien takeover? Jane - Oh, I don't know. How do you explain that? (points at black-clad Fashion Club) Quinn - Don't say it. Let them kill us. Tiffany - We're dressed this way for Fashion Club solidarity. Sandi - One of us has a problem. That's all you need to know. Mr. O'Neill - Oh, dear! What kind of problem? Sandi - A private problem. Stacy - It's a neck zit! (crowd reacts in horror) Quinn - Stacy! Tiffany - Don't worry, Quinn. They still don't know it's you. (Quinn screams and runs off) Stacy - Uh-oh. Tiffany - Did I say the wrong thing? Sandi - Don't worry about it. Jane - I liked it better when they were under alien control.

Daria - It was more believable. Mr. O'Neill - So you see, everyone? Mr. DeMartino's disappearance, all these com munist and alien worries... simple misunderstandings, all of them. What do you s ay we cement our newfound unity by joining hands and singing "Man in the Mirror" ? (kids boo, groan, and leave) Mr. O'Neill - Oh, dear. (Jake and Ms. Li enter) Jake - See? Look! What'd I tell you? Secret hush-hush gatherings right out in th e open! Ms. Li - What is going on? I didn't approve any assembly. This is a breach of di scipline. Mr. O'Neill - But I... Ms. Li - (struggles with megaphone) People, people... how do you get this to wor k? Disperse immediately. Damn piece of crap. Kids are half deaf from their damn music, anyway. This assembly is unauthorized... oh, the hell with it. Jake - Hey, can I try that thing? (at Jane's house) Jane - So you finally convinced your dad that you're not a communist? Daria - Yeah, I'm showing him how much I love money by hitting him up for it eve ry chance I get. (music on TV begins) Jane - Hey, it's Trent's hell music! Daria - So that's why he was acting strange. He was writing a jingle. Trent - (singing in TV commercial) If you don't have a car or your present car s ucks, go to Happy Herb with a few thousand bucks. Then you can drive here, you c an drive there, drive where you want, Happy Herb don't care. It won't make you b etter or smarter, that true, but you can drive around when there's nothing else to do. So go buy a car, buy a damn car, hit the road to nowhere in your Happy He rb car. Happy Herb - (on TV) I'm Happy Herb, and I sell cars, so come on down. Trent - So now you know. Daria - Oh, um, nice jingle. Trent - You don't have to tell me. I'm a complete sell-out. But I really needed the gig. Jane - What's the going rate for an artist's soul these days? Trent - 20 bucks, an hour of free studio time and a set of tires.

Jane - That's it? Trent - They're new tires. (Sick, Sad World music begins) Trent - Hey, look, it's that guy. SSW Reporter - (on TV) And what unspeakable acts did the space beings perform on you? Artie - (on TV) They took my flesh and replaced it with an alien synthetic skin. A skin capable of sensations you can't even imagine. But that's not the worst o f it. (begins sobbing) Jane - Uh-oh, he's gonna get his skin wet and shrink it. Artie - (on TV) They used me, and then they made me lose my job. SSW Reporter - (on TV) You saw it first on Sick, Sad World. Alien love goddesses are depriving Americans of their skins and their jobs. (TV shows illustration of Jane and Daria in "space vixen" outfits) Trent - Hey, cool. Daria - We should be upset, right? Jane - I don't know. Those outfits look pretty good. (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Just Add Water Episode #312 Written by Peggy Nicoll (opening theme song) (in the school cafeteria) Jane - How can you eat that meat loaf? Don't those little colored pieces scare y ou? Daria - We only go around once... I hope. (Jodie enters) Jodie - I realize I'm probably wasting my time, but do you guys want to buy tick ets to Casino Night? It's going to be on the Princess Fairy luxury liner. Daria - So the only means of escape is drowning. Jane - Look, we'd like to help you out, but we have a very busy schedule. There' s a Sick, Sad World marathon all Friday night, so we'll be way too tired on Satu rday.

Jodie - You guys are hopeless. (leaves) Daria - Damn it, she saw right through our facade of hopefulness. Jane - She's the 12th person today. (in the girl's bathroom) Quinn - Casino night on a cruise ship is going to be so glamorous. Tiffany - You're so lucky to be going with Rex, Quinn. Stacy - Yeah. This week, he's, like, the most popular guy in school. Quinn - Oh, I don't think so. Well, probably. (giggles) Sandi - (clears throat) Actually, I believe Brent, my date, may be a little more popular than Rex. Not that it matters. Quinn - Oh, no, Sandi. I'm sure you're right. Um... did you say you were definit ely going with Brent? Sandi - Gee, Quinn, I hope this inability of yours to retain simple information is just temporary and not symptomatic of a more serious, underlying problem. Quinn - It's just that I wait-listed Brent, you know, in case something happened to Rex, like he got a pimple, but if it does, I'll go to the next person on my wait-list. No problem. Sandi - I see. I guess Brent asked you while he was waiting to hear back from me . You know, using you as his safety date. Stacy - I know how you can figure it out. Quinn, which day did Brent ask... Sandi - Stacy, who cares about such trivial matters? Can't we find something les s shallow to talk about than when someone asks someone out? (leaves) Stacy - (tearfully) I'm sorry, Sandi. (follows Sandi out) Tiffany - Sandi's so pretty. (in Ms. Li's office) Mr. DeMartino - And so, I regret to inform you I will be unable to attend Casino Night. I have, uh, plans. Ms. Li - Cancel them. Every student and faculty member must attend or I won't be able to afford the Secure-Fence Shock-Hundred. Mr. DeMartino - Fine. I'll buy a ticket! Just so I don't have to go! Ms. Li - Negative. We need all the adult volunteers we can get. Mr. DeMartino - Ms. Li, I implore you...! Ms. Li - Please, Mr. DeMartino! I haven't heard anyone try so hard to squirm out of a school event since Helen Morgendorffer made up that ridiculous excuse abou t being allergic to crepe paper. (grabs microphone) Is this thing on?

(in the hallway) Ms. Li - (over P.A.) Attention, students. Jane - Uh-oh, it's those voices again. Ms. Li - Due to cash flow problems, Casino Night attendance is now mandatory. Sh ow your school spirit and dip into your college fund. (singsong) Thank you. Daria - Now I'll never be able to buy that college. (at the beauty salon) Quinn - It's so unfair, Jozu. Sandi is always accusing me of being shallow, but I think a lot about important stuff, like what about all those poor people in th ose other-world countries who can't afford professional grooming assistance? Jozu - Quinn, don't look now, but Marco has just sat down next to us. Quinn - Marco? The talcum powder model? Jozu - Just pretend like we don't notice. So, Quinn, what were you just saying a bout the less fortunate? Quinn - Oh, yes. So, anyway, even in this country, there are people who can't af ford nice haircuts and it must be awful for them. I mean, how can they go outsid e? Marco - I'm sorry, I couldn't help overhearing. Quinn - Oh, well, that's okay. Marco - You know, I used to go out with my hair uncombed and stuff, but then I r ealized that by looking good, I'm bringing a little beauty into the lives of peo ple surrounded by their own ugliness. Quinn - I know exactly how you feel. Marco - You're really thoughtful. Are you around Saturday night? Maybe we could hook up? Quinn - Hmm... let me check my schedule. Marco - "Casino Night on the Princess Fairy"? Quinn - Yeah, it's this silly little high school event. I, uh, wrote it down to remind myself not to go. Marco - Oh, too bad. I look really great on a boat. Quinn - You do? (at Daria's house) Jake - You see, Helen, anyone can make a floating key chain or a glow-in-the-dar k key chain, but this is the first time someone's made a floating glow-in-the-da rk key chain. (Helen repeatedly attempts to get pan out of microwave)

Helen - Damn, this pan is hot! Jake - So I said to them, "Look, you got a great product here, but its name shou ld reflect both its floatability and its incandescence." Helen, you should've se en them light up when I said "incandescence." Hey, that's probably some kind of a pun. Helen - Yes, dear. Ouch! Jake - "How does this sound?" I said -- "The Radioactive Duck." Man, they loved it. Loved it! I think. Helen - Uh-huh. What the hell did the girls do with the other mitt? Jake - Helen, you're not listening to me. Helen - Of course I'm listening to you. You're considering getting a new key cha in and I think it's an excellent idea. Jake - You know, you could be a little supportive of my career. Helen - I am supportive! It's just right now, I've got more important... I'm sor ry. Tell me about the keys. Jake - (mimicking Helen) Tell me about the keys, Jake. Oh, Jake, I'm so interest ed in the keys. Well, you can just forget it, missy! Jake Morgendorffer doesn't repeat himself! Doesn't repeat himself! (leaves) (later, at the dinner table) Quinn - So, anyway, the whole school is all excited about my date with Marco. Helen - I'm sure Casino Night's going to be wonderful. Dad and I would volunteer but I have to go over some briefs. We'll be happy to drive you to school, thoug h. Right, Jake? Jake - Sure. Drive you to school. The Invisible Man here will be happy to drive you to school. Daria - Will you be wearing those neat bandages? Quinn - No, thanks. Marco will probably pick me up in a limo or one of those cut e little sports cars. Daria - To go with his cute little brain. Quinn - Besides, Casino Night's not at the school. It's on the Princess Fairy. Jake - The Princess Fairy? The cruise ship? Quinn - (warily) Yeah... Jake - They're looking for a new ad campaign. What better way to suck up to the owners than volunteering at a fund-raiser. They'll never know they're being pitc hed. Jake, you crafty devil. Helen - Why, Jake, what a wonderful idea. Jake - Oh, like you mean it.

Helen - No, really. Casino night is the perfect time to approach them. Jake - So you'll volunteer with me? Helen - What? Jake - You'll volunteer with me. You'll do the supportive wife thing. Helen - Um, sure. Jake - Really? Helen - I said yes. Daria and Quinn - No! Jake - Great! (later, in the family room) SSW Announcer - Her amputee boyfriend was cheating so she stole his prosthesis, but he kept right on hopping into strange beds. The one-legged lothario next, on Sick, Sad World. Daria - Serves him right for keeping his leg in a display case. Jane - Yeah, he should've used the freezer like everybody else. (much later) (Daria and Jane yawn) Woman on TV - I didn't mean to hurt him. Daria - (tiredly) The knife just slipped... 67 times. Jane - (tiredly) What can you say? Some people are just klutzy. (much, much later) SSW Announcer - Meet the cannibal with a heart... quick, before he eats it! Next , on Sick, Sad World. (Jane mumbles incoherently) Daria - (nearly unconscious) Right... (both girls fall asleep) (at Daria's house) Helen - Daria, get moving or we'll miss the cruise. Daria - (muffled) Just carry me to the car. Quinn - I can't believe Marco isn't here yet. Daria - (muffled) It appears the unthinkable has happened. Quinn - Tube tops are coming back?

Daria - (muffled) No. You've been stood up. Quinn - Shut up, Daria! I have not! Daria - (muffled) Okay. My mistake. Quinn - That's it! I'm not going to the dance. I'm telling everyone I got sick a nd canceled the date. Daria, you'll back me up, right? Right?! (Daria snores) Quinn - Fine! Desert me in my hour of need. I can't... Helen - Quinn, are you sure Marco knew to come here? Maybe he thought he was mee ting you at the ship. (at the ship) (ship's horn sounds as it pulls away from dock) Quinn - Wait. Let me off. It's an emergency. Crew Member - Sorry. Too late. Quinn - Ooh...! (inside the casino) (DeMartino freaks out and runs out on deck) Mr. O'Neill - Anthony, what are you doing out here? The fun's in the casino. (DeMartino grumbles) Mr. O'Neill - Come on inside. Don't be a party poop... eep! Mr. DeMartino - Timothy, I've got a problem -- a gambling problem. Once I start, I can't stop. Mr. O'Neill - Listen to me, Anthony. Just give away your chips and reclaim your self-esteem. Mr. DeMartino - But the smell of the cards. The sound of the shuffle. The pain o f handing over the title to my car to some yokel with beginner's luck! I can't s tand it! I... aah! (O'Neill slaps DeMartino) Mr. O'Neill - Oh. Mr. DeMartino - Thank you, Timothy. I needed that. Mr. O'Neill - Oh, well... Mr. DeMartino - Don't do it again! (in the casino) Daria - Let's find someplace we can nap in peace. Jane - All right. But first, let's gamble all our chips away in one grand, magni

ficently pointless gesture. Daria - That's the only kind of gesture I make. Mr. O'Neill (voiceover) - Give away the chips. (Daria places chips on number 13) Jane - Hey, wouldn't it be ironic if we won? Dealer - Number eight. Daria - So much for irony. Mr. DeMartino - Daria, take my chips. Daria - Excuse me? Mr. DeMartino - You know, as a thank you for making me want to kill myself a lit tle less than the processed sausages who call themselves your classmates. Jane - You're not one of those "young people are our greatest hope" guys, are yo u? Daria - Thanks, Mr. DeMartino, but I can't. I've already reached my fun quota. Mr. DeMartino - Well, then, you take them, Jane. For being so... Jane - Yes? Mr. DeMartino - Angular. Mr. O'Neill - Hello, everyone. Hope there aren't any "card sharps" here. (chuckl es) Jane - Hmm. It is tempting. Especially with Mr. O'Neill about to sit down at the poker table. Daria - I bet he has a good poker face. Jane - But I'd rather be sleeping. Thanks, anyway. Mr. DeMartino - "Give the chips away..." "Poker face..." Aah! Poker! (in the banquet room) Tiffany - I wonder where Quinn could be? Sandi - Tiffany, grooming facilities on these vessels are very primitive. She an d Marco are probably fighting over mirror space. Stacy - Wait. There she is! Hey, Quinn. Tiffany - Hi. Sandi - Hey, Quinn. Stacy - What's up? Tiffany - You look cute.

Quinn - Hi. Boy, I'm so glad I found you guys. Stacy - Where's Marco? Quinn - Oh, um, he got stuck at a photo shoot, but he said he might stop by late r. Tiffany - Later? We're on a boat. Quinn - You know, Tiffany, there are things called helicopters. Sandi - Gee, poor Marco must be the only model in the world who's ever had to wo rk on a Saturday. Quinn - Sandi, you act as if you don't believe me. Sandi - Of course I believe you, Quinn. And even if I didn't, which I do, I woul d never tell anyone you've been stood up. It could put your popularity in free-f all, and I'm too good a friend for that. Quinn - Thanks, Sandi. You are a good friend. I guess I'll get a soda. (leaves) Sandi - Poor Quinn. I can't believe she's been (raises voice) stood up. Girl #1 - Did you hear? Quinn's been stood up. Girl #2 - Quinn's been stood up? Oh, my gosh. (everyone starts whispering about Quinn) Mr. DeMartino - Ha-ha! Three jacks! I win again! (Ms. Li grumbles) Mr. O'Neill - Um, Anthony, I really think you're taking a bad detour off recover y road. Mr. DeMartino - Well, that's interesting. Deal! (laughs evilly) (in the lounge) Lee - You've had too much to drink, damn it. Now, get out of here and back in th e pilothouse where you belong. Captain - Aye aye, captain. (leaves drunkenly) Lee - You're the captain, you idiot! Jake - Okay, those must be the owners. You strike up a friendship with her while I dazzle him with a little consulting expertise. (Helen sighs) Jake - Ahoy there, mates. You must be the owners of this fine ship. DeeDee - Right you are, handsome. I'm DeeDee, and this is my husband, Lee. (all great each other)

(sound of crash followed by shout from captain) Lee - Damn it! I've got to go escort that captain to the pilothouse, but let me stand you to a flagon of grog there, Jake. (leaves) Jake - Grog? This is beer! Bartender - Cheap beer. Helen - My, what a lovely brooch. DeeDee - It cost a fortune... little enough compensation for sleeping with that bozo for 30 years. (Helen laughs uncomfortably) Mr. O'Neill - I'm out of cash. Do you take credit cards? (bartender points to "no credit" sign) Mr. O'Neill - Mr. and Mrs. Morgendorffer! I don't know if you're interested, but they're looking for another poker player. Helen - I'm on my way. Jake - Helen? Helen - Bye. Nice meeting you. (leaves) Mr. O'Neill - Wait, Mrs. Morgendorffer. There's a player at the table who requir es your special understanding. (leaves) DeeDee - My, Jake. Your wife seems a little tense. Jake - Oh. (chuckles) She's just, uh, very energetic. DeeDee - But I'll bet you know how to relax her. (Jake laughs nervously) (on deck) Jane - This cruise isn't so bad. We're doing the same thing here we'd be doing a ny other Saturday night. Daria - You're right. Pleasant dreams. (Kevin and Brittany enter) Brittany - Oh, Kevvy, alone at last! Kevin - Babe, want to join the Mile-High Club? Daria - I know -- why don't you join the Bottom-of-the-Ocean Club? Brittany - Hey, you've been spying on us! Come on, Kevvy. Let's go someplace whe re we can be alone. Kevin - Yeah, let's get away from these nosey-bodies.

(Kevin and Brittany leave) Jane - Back to the serenity of dreamland. Daria - Yeah. I hope the fire-breathing cyclops hasn't caught me yet. (in the lounge) Jake - Now, there's nothing wrong with the name Princess Fairy, but if I were yo ur consultant, I'd come up with something more... edgy, like the Elegante. Then, with a paint job and some new carpeting... DeeDee - I don't know if my husband, El Cheapo, will go for spending that kind o f money. He won't even paint the lifeboat. Jake - Oh. DeeDee - But maybe you and I can whip up a strategy to convince him. (grabs Jake 's thigh) (Jake yelps, moans, beats a hasty retreat) (in the casino) Ms. Li - Ha! Full house. Mr. DeMartino - (screams) How could I, a born loser, ever delude myself into thi nking that I could win at poker, when nothing in my whole miserable existence ha s ever worked out? Ms. Li - Mr. DeMartino, please control yourself. It's only a game. Helen - Not so fast. Read 'em and weep. Straight flush. (Ms. Li groans) (on deck) (Kevin and Brittany make out in the lifeboat) Brittany - Ooh, Kevvy... (rope snaps, lifeboat falls into water) Brittany - Oh, no! Kevvy, we're floating away! Kevin - Don't worry, babe. I'll save us. (oars fall into water) Oops. Brittany - Oh, no! Now what are we going to do? (ship's whistle blows) Kevin and Brittany - Help! Help us! Jane - Do you hear Brittany and Kevin screaming? Daria - No. Jane - Me, neither. Nighty-night.

(Daria and Jane begin snoring) (Quinn enters) Quinn - Daria, I need your advice. (Daria warily opens one eye) (on deck) Daria - My advice is: leave now and I won't turn you into shark kibble. Quinn - I'm serious! The whole school is talking about how I got stood up. Jane - You people just never want for stimulating conversation, do you? Quinn - I know! How do I make them stop? Daria - By acting like you don't care what they think. Quinn - But I do care what they think. It's why I do what I do, wear what I wear , say what I say. Jane - And I suppose if someone told you to read a book, you'd do that, too. Daria - Look, just pretend you don't care. It'll take all the fun out of draggin g your name through the mud, and the conversation will turn back to more importa nt matters. Like which lip gloss has the longest staying power. Jane - Besides, if you act upset they'll know you were stood up. Daria - Yeah, so stop engaging in suspicious behavior. Quinn - What suspicious behavior? Daria - Hanging around us. Quinn - Oh, you're right! (leaves) Jane - That was easy. Daria - I can do it in my sleep. (both fall asleep again) (in the casino) Mr. DeMartino - Uh, Mr. Morgendorffer... I'm a little short on cash and I was wo ndering if you'd like to buy my watch. Jake - Uh, maybe some other time. Say, that's a pretty cheap-looking item. Mr. DeMartino - Jamie! (leaves) Helen - I'll raise you 20. Jake - Helen, I have to talk to you. Helen - Not now, Jake.

Ms. Li - I'll see your 20 and raise you five. Jake - Honey, it's important. Helen - Not now, Jake! (on deck) Sandi - Excuse me... Quinn's visiting exchange student or whatever? Stacy - We're really worried about Quinn. Tiffany - Yeah, we want to make sure she wasn't really stood up. Sandi - Marco did call from the shoot, right? Because it would be just awful if he didn't. Daria - Yeah. He called. Sandi - Oh. (leaves with Stacy and Tiffany) Jane - You realize you just did something nice for your sister. Daria - Must be the sleep deprivation. (in the lifeboat) Kevin - I know -- maybe if I light a match someone will see us. Aah! (falls into water) Brittany - Quit splashing me! Kevin - Sorry, babe. Hey, I found the matches. (on deck at bow of ship) DeeDee - Hello, there. Mr. O'Neill - (yelps) I'm sorry. You startled me. DeeDee - Little old me? (climbs onto railing) Don't just stand there, handsome. Hold onto my waist. (moaning) I feel so free. Mr. O'Neill - Really? Um... that's nice. (Ms. Barch approaches) Ms. Barch - Hey! (pushes DeeDee) DeeDee - Whoa... oh... whoa! (falls into water) Ms. Barch - (tosses life preserver into water) Get a life! (climbs onto railing) Don't just stand there, Skinny. Hold onto my waist. (in the pilothouse) Jake - Oh, I've thought about chucking it all, believe you me. One day, I'm goin g to buy a boat. Sail it around the world -- twice! Captain - I'm a mite tired, son. I'm going to bed. Try to be home by 11:00. (lea

ves) Jake - Oh, hey, hey, wait... (runs after captain) (boat heads towards garbage barge) (on deck) Helen - Daria! Have you seen your father? Daria - (sleepily) Mom? Dr. Moreau invited you to the island, too? Helen - I'm going to kill... there he is. Jake! Jake - Listen, Helen! The captain... Helen - No, you listen. Your little interruption broke my concentration and caus ed me to lose my big hand! Jake - Oh, it did, did it? Well, your lack of support cost me a consulting job! Leaving me alone with that -- eww! -- DeeDee! Helen - Oh, fine! Just blame everything on me! Jake - Damn right I'm going to blame everything on you! It's your fault! (Jake and Helen continue arguing) Jane - We're never going to get any sleep, are we? Daria - Not unless we kill every living thing on board. Jane - I'm okay with that. Look, the fog's rolling in. Daria - (sniffs) Eww... that's not fog. That's methane. (barge approaches) (in the casino) Brent - I believe your story, Quinn. I mean, no guy would ever stand you up. Quinn - Thanks, Brent. (ship collides with barge) (everyone screams and runs on deck) (on deck) Lee - Damn it! Where's the lifeboat? Mr. DeMartino - The lifeboat?! Certainly you have more than one lifeboat! Lee - Are you nuts? Do you know how much those things cost? Now where is it? Mr. DeMartino - I don't know. Want to buy a watch? (everyone starts leaping into water)

Jamie - I want to help Quinn off the boat. Jeffy - But I was here first, so I get to. Joey - But I know the heimlich maneuver. Helen - I would've won that game, too. Ms. Li - Except that you lost. Helen - Oh! (Sandi splashes around in a panic) Sandi - Help! Whoa! I'm drowning! (Daria and Jane jump into water, then stand up) Daria - Stay there. I'll be right back with the life vest. (everyone stands up in shallow water) Brent - Hey, Sandi? About going out for some food... I think I'll take a rain ch eck. Girl #1 - Did you hear? Sandi's been dumped. Girl #2 - Oh, no. Sandi's been dumped? (everyone whispers about Sandi) (Barch and O'Neill smooch inside ship) (in the car) Quinn - So... now that Sandi's been dumped, she won't dare bring up Marco. (Dari a and Jane fall alseep on Quinn's shoulders) Eww! Get off me! (pushes them away) Helen - Not now, Quinn. I'm talking to your father. You just had to interfere. Jake - Oh, yeah? Well, none of this would've happened if you hadn't left me with that... that nympho! (on road near beach) Marco - Excuse me, but, like, I think I'm supposed to meet someone at a party he re? DeeDee - Actually, the party's moved. (hails cab) Come on, you can ride with me. Marco - But... (in the lifeboat) (thunder rumbles) Kevin - Wait! I think I see the rescue boat! Oh, no. It's a cloud. But doesn't i t look kind of like a boat? Or maybe more like a camel. (rain begins falling)

(Brittany shrieks and starts hitting Kevin with her purse) (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Jane's Addition Episode #313 Written by Glenn Eichler (opening theme song) (at school, Mr. O'Neill's class) Mr. O'Neill - And so the pen begat the printing press, and the printing press be gat the linotype machine, and today, entire epics are spawned interactively via the web and never see the printed page at all. Daria - Unfortunately, none of our textbooks are among them. Mr. O'Neill - You see, the message a piece of writing delivers is influenced by the medium in which it is conveyed. But today's progressive communicators ask, w hy stop at just medium? Why not go for... Kevin? Kevin - Medium... rare? Mr. O'Neill - Uh, no, Kevin. Actually, I was looking for media. Multimedia. Whic h brings me to our exciting assignment. Jane - Isn't "exciting assignment" a contradiction in terms? Daria - I don't know. Let's ask our inspiring instructor. Mr. O'Neill - You're all going to experience the creative power of multimedia. Y ou'll form teams to create a work of your choice, using the power of computing t o combine words, images, and sound. You can use the school's computers or your o wn. Isn't it a thrilling idea? Jane? Jane - Um-hmm. In fact, may I go to the girl's room and down some tranquilizers? Mr. O'Neill - Oh, no. Tranquilizers?! Jane, have you considered homeopathy? Jane - I'm going to stick with guys for now, but thanks for asking. (walking home) Jane - I have a good feeling about this multimedia thing, teammate. Daria - That's the nastiest name anyone's ever called me. Jane - If we get anything above a "C" I'll get off academic probation and not ha ve to worry about taking language arts over... and Daria Morgendorffer does not get "Cs." Daria - Well, I could make an exception. Jane - Come on! This is going to be fun -- you doing words, me pictures. It's ex

citing. Daria - Oh, yeah. Very exciting. Jane - I know what would make it exciting. Daria - We do the whole thing while walking over hot coals? Jane - How about we add a little music to the mix? Daria - What's so exciting about that? Jane - What's exciting is the particular musician I have in mind. Daria - Oh, no. Jane - Come on, Daria. Trent'll love doing some computer music. It'll satisfy th e secret techno dance freak hiding beneath that cool alternative exterior. Daria - I don't think I want to meet that techno dance freak. Jane - Sure you do. We'll ask him at the Mystik Spiral gig tonight. Daria - This dance freak doesn't wear spandex, does he? (at the Zen) (crowd cheers) Trent and Jesse - (singing) Who shot the hippies? Who locked them in a zoo? Who gagged the beatniks? Who filled their mouths with glue? Who crushed the bohos? W ho turned their work to poo? Hey, Mr. Normal, it was you! (Jane and Tom stare at each other) Daria - Hey. Hey! Jane - Huh? Sorry. That guy keeps looking at me. Daria - Yeah, I can see you're upset about that. I'm going to the bathroom. (lea ves) Jane - Okay. Trent and Jesse - (singing) Hey, Mr. Normal, it was you! (crowd cheers) Jesse - Yeah! Trent - We're Mystik Spiral. We'll be back for a second set. Jesse - This was the first set! Trent - Uh, yeah. (Tom approaches) Tom - Hey.

Jane - Yo. Tom - Good band. Jane - Yeah. The singer's my brother. Tom - Really? Are you a singer, too? Jane - Oh, yeah -- listen to this. (sings off-key) "Old Macdonald had a farm, EE -I-EE-I-OH." Tom - That's really awful. Jane - You're an honest one, eh? Actually, I'm an artist. Tom - Wow, that's cool. Jane - But I do like to sing in my spare time. (sings off-key) "Old Macdonald ha d a farm, EE-I-EE-I..." Tom - Mm, very nice. You like convertibles? Jane - Sofas? Tom - Cars. Jane - Why, you got one? Tom - Um... no, but the roof of my car is rusting through. Jane - Almost the same thing. Tom - I think the sad decay of it all might appeal to your artistic sensibility. Want to check it out, maybe get some food? Jane - Food, then back here? Tom - Sound all right? Jane - Let me just tell my friend. (Daria returns) Jane - Hey, Daria, this is, uh... Tom - Tom. Daria - Hi. Tom - Hey. Jane - His car's falling apart so we're going to go for a ride. I'll be right ba ck. Daria - Hey. We're supposed to talk to Trent, remember? Jane - You talk. I'll be back for the second set. Later. Tom - Nice meeting you.

(Jane and Tom leave) Daria - Great. Max - Look, when I'm going foom-foom-foom-foom, what damn good does it do to hav e you going badda-dah, badda-dah, badda-dah, blat? Nick - It's not blat, Max -- it's blam. Trent - Hey, Daria. You guys wanted to talk to me about something? Daria - Um... yeah. But Jane went out for some food. Trent - That's okay. You're here. Daria - Well, it's about this multimedia project we have to do for school. Trent - Multimedia? Daria - Yeah. The whole thing's supposed to be on computer -- images and sound. Trent - That sounds pretty cool. So you want to document the struggle of an up-a nd-coming band, is that it? A year on the edge. Okay, we're in. Daria - Um, actually, we were just kind of hoping you might compose about 30 sec onds of music we can use. Trent - Oh. Sure, Daria. That'll be cool. Like something you save and play back on a computer. Daria - Yeah, exactly. We need it in two weeks. Trent - That's no problem. All right, I'm going digital. Excellent. (taps finger s nervously) So, uh... when did Janey say she was coming back? Daria - Uh, she said she'd be here for the second set. Trent - Oh. Okay. Cool. Of course, the second set's not for another hour. Daria - Yeah. Actually, um... I'm kind of beat. I hope you won't be insulted if I don't hang around. Trent - Hey, the second set's just the stuff that's not good enough for the firs t. I wouldn't stay for it myself if I weren't in the band. Daria - Heh. Trent - I've got some time. You want a ride home? Daria - Um... sure. (driving home) Trent - So how come Janey went out for food and you didn't go with her? Daria - She kind of went with this guy. Trent - Oh. From school? Daria - Actually, she just met him. I don't know why she thought she could go fo

r a ride with him. Trent - Janey can take care of herself. Daria - I hope so. (car arrives at Daria's house) Trent - You got to relax, Daria. Things work out, you know? Daria - I guess. Daria - Okay. Thanks for the ride. Trent - Thanks for coming to the gig. I got to get back before Max and Nicholas kill each other. Daria - Yeah. You don't want to miss that. (gets out of car) Trent - (chuckles, coughs) You're funny, Daria. Hey, if you're going to be at th e house tomorrow maybe we can talk about the music. Daria - Um... yeah. Maybe I'll see you tomorrow, then. Trent - See you. (at Jane's house) (Trent's duck phone rings) (Jane's phone rings) Jane - (sleepily) Yeah? Daria - Oh, gee. Did I wake you? I guess that means you haven't been murdered. W ell, that's good. (split-screen between Daria and Jane) Jane - Do you have any idea what time it is? Daria - It's almost noon. Jane - Mm. I guess righteous indignation isn't really appropriate, then. Daria - Not for you, no. Jane - Where did you disappear to last night? Daria - Where'd I disappear to? Jane - Um... I guess I kind of left you there while I went out with Tom. Sorry. Daria - Tom? Jane - Hey, I thought I would give you and Trent some one-on-one quality time. Daria - Yeah. You and Tom were thinking of me. Jane - Well, I was back for the second set like I promised.

Daria - I thought we weren't staying for the second set. Jane - I said I was sorry. Did you talk to Trent about the project? Daria - Yes, I talked to Trent about the project. He said he'd do it. He said if I was coming over today we could all discuss it. Jane - So what are you waiting for? Get your butt over here A.S.A.P. Daria - All right. Jane - Only don't rush. He won't be up for another two hours. (at Jane's house) (doorbell rings) Jane - Hey. Daria - What's with you? Jane - After you called I got up, got dressed, and then fell back asleep. You di d call, right? 'Cause I don't think I could have dreamed a conversation that nas ty. Daria - Is Trent up yet? Jane - I heard something stirring in his room. I'm hoping it wasn't a family of raccoons. (yawns) You want some breakfast? Daria - Thanks, but I don't really like to eat breakfast after lunch. It spoils my dinner. So you want to work on this multimedia thing? Jane - I don't know, Daria, I'm really beat. Hey! How you doing? Daria - What do you mean? I'm fine. Tom - Hi. Hi, Daria. Tom - I just stopped by to make sure you didn't get sick from those two jumbo bu rgers. Jane - Are you kidding? I could eat five of those babies and never feel a thing. (belches) Um... excuse me. Come on in. Tom - No, you've got company. Jane - Oh, come on. Trent - Uh... hey. Hey, Daria. Daria - Hey, Trent. Jane - Trent, this is Tom. Tom - You guys were excellent last night. Trent - Thanks.

Daria - Trent, I came over to discuss that project. Trent - Oh. Well, um... why don't we go talk in the kitchen, Daria? Daria - Don't you want Jane in on the conversation? Jane - You go ahead. I'm not quite up yet. I'll walk Tom to his car. Daria - But... Trent - Yeah, come on, Daria. It's cool. She'll walk Tom to his car. (Trent and Daria enter kitchen) Trent - We can talk in here while I make some coffee. Daria - You and Jane aren't really morning people, are you? Trent - Hey, the night holds the key. Daria - The key to what? Trent - I don't know, Daria. It's early. Daria - So you want to talk about that multimedia project? Trent - Yeah, but shouldn't Janey be here for that? Daria - That's what I asked you. Trent - Oh. Well, I guess I figured I'd give her and what's-his-name a couple of minutes. Daria - Tom. Trent - Yeah. Tom. Daria - Do you think it's weird that they just met last night and he's already i nviting himself over? Trent - I guess he likes her. Daria - It's just so fast. Trent - Hey, sometimes you got to take things as they come. Relax and see what h appens. Daria - But you can't be that way about everything. Trent - Exactly. Like, I'm relaxed about a lot of stuff, but not my career. I ta ke that very seriously. (phone rings) Yo. Hey, Max. What? Oh, damn. Okay, I'll b e right over. (hangs up) Um... Daria, I kind of forgot about this really importa nt audition. I got to run. (leaves, then returns) Hey. Help yourself to the hot water. (leaves) (walking home from school) Jane - So, I think I finally have some sketches I like for this multimedia thing . Meaning I should be finished tomorrow and we can scan them in.

Daria - That sounds good. Jane - And Trent bought a MIDI keyboard and a composing program and he's been up , like, every night screwing around with it. Daria - Has he played you any of the music he's written? Jane - Who said anything about writing music? He sampled the toilet flushing and created an all-plumbing version of "O, Susanna." How's the script coming? Daria - The script's been finished since Monday. Jane - Really? I'm impressed. Daria - Yes. Well, I had a lot of free time last weekend. Jane - Um, yeah. Sorry we couldn't get together. Daria - No big deal. How's Tom? Jane - You really don't like him, do you? Daria - It's not him I don't like. It's you going gaga over this guy you just me t. Jane - I'm not gaga -- I've gone out with him a few times. He's a pleasant young fellow. What's the problem? Daria - No problem. Jane - Anyway, he's seeing his friends tonight, so you and I will definitely get together. Daria - Thanks for fitting me in. Jane - I do what I can. (girls enter Jane's house) Trent - Hey, Janey, come listen to this. (plays Beethoven's "Fifth Symphony" in barks and moos) (at Pizza King) Daria - So what do you want to do after pizza? A movie? Jane - Good idea. Then when we come back here for more pizza, there'll be a new crowd who didn't see the two pies we've already eaten. Daria - Thus preserving our reputation for having bird-like appetites. (tom arrives) Tom - Hey. Jane - Hey. Daria - What are you doing here? Tom - Those really good friends of mine -- they totally blew me off. I figured y

ou guys might be here. Jane - Well, pull up a bench. We'll order another pie. Tom - No, I'll just get a slice. I'm only going to stay a minute. Daria - Want to borrow my stopwatch? Tom - Hey, Daria, if you want me to leave, just say so. Daria - Okay, bye, now. Jane - Hey, come on, Daria. I thought we were going to see a movie. Tom - What movie? Daria - It's called "The Big Chick Movie That Appeals Only to Girls and Makes Me n and Boys Vomit." Tom - Hey, Daria, did I say I wanted to go to the movie with you? Daria - No, but you never mentioned wanting to horn in on our pizza time, either . Tom - Daria, you're so darn pleasant and friendly, I don't see how anyone could resist an evening with you. But just on a crazy whim, I think I'll go home and w atch TV by myself. (leaves) Jane - Hey, come on... Tom! (to Daria) Are you trying to get into the obnoxious hall of fame or something? Daria - Go ahead -- go after him. Go for a ride. Jane - Daria, have you lost your mind? Daria - You'd go after him if I weren't here, wouldn't you? Jane - I don't know. Daria - Well, let me give you the opportunity to find out. (leaves) Jane - What the hell did I do? (at Jane's house) (doorbell rings) Jane - Well, look who it is... sunshine girl. Daria - I just came over to see how Trent's doing with that music. Jane - Why didn't you just call? Daria - I felt like taking a walk. The assignment's due tomorrow, you know. Jane - I know. I'm ready. Hey, can I get some eye contact here? Daria - Look, my language arts grade is not in question. Jane - You must be very proud.

Daria - I mean, if we do badly, you're the one taking the class again, so you sh ould be more concerned with how Trent's doing. Jane - I'm concerned, I'm concerned. Daria - Fine. Jane - Good. Daria - Good, then. Jane - And I suppose we'll just pretend last night never happened. Daria - Why? You want to tell me how your date was with Tom? Jane - There was no date with Tom. There was nothing. He left, you left, I left. Big Saturday night. Daria - And I suppose you think that's my fault? Jane - The notion had crossed my mind. (Trent enters kitchen) Trent - Hey... hey, Daria. Jane - Trent, that project is due tomorrow. When is that stupid music going to b e finished? Trent - Whoa, how do you know it's stupid? Daria - We don't because we haven't heard anything yet. Trent - Well, I'm still conceptualizing. Jane - Conceptualizing, my ass. 30 lousy seconds of music, Trent. Can't you for once in your life finish something within a month of starting it? Trent - What's the matter with you? Daria - She's going to fail language arts, that's what. And it will be your faul t. Trent - You guys are acting really weird. (leaves) Jane - Where are you going? Trent - (offscreen) Anywhere else. Jane - Deadbeat. Daria - Screw-up. (Trent's car pulls away) Daria - Um... okay, I guess I'll go home now. You keep on him about that music. (leaves) Jane - Will do. He's not going to mess things up for us anymore. Hey, wait... we

ren't we fighting about something? (door closes) Jane - Okay... and here's little Jane all alone once again. (sniffs her armpit - "Did I forget to use deodorant?" -- then shrugs) (walking home) (Tom's car pulls up next to Daria) Tom - Hey, Daria. Daria - Wow, I can see why Jane wanted to ride in this car. Tom - You know Jane, she's a thrill seeker. A gas tank that can blow at any minu te -- she couldn't resist. (pause) That was a joke. Daria - Hmm... good one. Tom - You need a lift somewhere? Daria - What are you? Some kind of compulsive ride giver? I'm walking, thanks. Tom - I'll walk with you a ways. (gets out of car) Daria - What are you doing? Tom - Look, I'd like to talk to you, okay? Daria - So, talk. Tom - Listen, you don't like me and that's fine. There's no reason you should. Daria - I agree. Tom - But it would be really nice if you could try and get along with me a littl e. At least in front of Jane. Daria - Why should I? Tom - Because she's your best friend, and I really like her and want to get to k now her. Daria - So? Tom - So you hating me puts her in a very awkward position. Daria - I don't hate you. I don't even know you. But I'm not going to sit by whi le you take my friend away. Tom - I'm not taking your friend away. All she talks about is "Daria said this," "Daria did this," "listen to what Daria told this moron." Daria - Don't bother with the flattery, Tom... I'm immune. Tom - I'm not flattering you, Daria. I don't care if you don't like me. I'm just saying you'd have to be pretty stupid to think anything or anybody is going to shake your friendship with Jane.

Daria - Yeah, pretty stupid. Look, I may conceivably have been acting like a jer k toward you... Tom - It's possible; don't worry about it. Daria - But you and I are not friends. Tom - Definitely not. Daria - And even if we were friends, I still wouldn't ride in that car. Tom - That's just plain common sense. So how's the multimedia project coming? Daria - It'd be fine if Trent ever got around to writing the music. Tom - Yeah, he's a really cool guy, but I guess he's not the most dependable per son in the world. Daria - I really hope he makes it as a musician 'cause I can't think of any othe r job he could hold down. Tom - I don't know -- you know those farmers that get paid not to grow anything? (Daria smirks) (at Daria's house) (doorbell rings) Daria - What are you doing here? Jane - I brought our multimedia report over. Daria - Uh-huh, and how many media are on this report? Jane - Um... two: words and pictures. Trent failed to deliver the music. Daria - Unfortunately, I'm not surprised. What did he tell you about it? Jane - Nothing; he never came home last night. I'm sorry I even suggested involv ing him. Daria - Forget it -- you thought it was a good idea. Jane - You're not mad? Daria - I have no reason to be mad at you. Jane - Does this mean we can be in the same room for a while? Daria - Don't push it. (at school, Mr. O'Neill's class) (Kevin and Brittany's presentation plays) Brittany - Go, team players! Go, school spirit! Kevin - If you have a goal to reach school sports will help you achieve it and s tuff.

Brittany - Go, team! (presentation ends) Mr. O'Neill - Well, ah... thank you, Kevin and Brittany, for that clever present ation on the benefits of team sports. Brittany - You're welcome. Kevin - I was the Q.B. Mr. O'Neill - Yes. And now, Daria and Jane present "The Emotional Trauma Cycle o f a High School Student." Oh... (Daria and Jane's presentation begins) Daria (narrating) - The emotional trauma cycle of a high school student. Phase o ne: disbelief. Jane - Well, that was weird. Thank God we never have to go back to that freak sh ow. Daria - Um... we are required by law to show up for the next four years. Jane - What? Daria (narrating) - Phase two: denial. Jane - No way. Daria - Way. Daria (narrating) - Phase three: bargaining. Jane - Mom, if you don't make me go back to that place I'll clean the garage eve ry month for the rest of my life. Amanda - We have a garage? Daria (narrating) - Phase four: anger. Mr. DeMartino - What are you doing with that microphone? Why are you hounding me ? Stop! Daria (narrating) - Phase five: acceptance. Jane - I've been accepted to college. I'm out of here. Daria - Thank you very much. (presentation ends) Mr. O'Neill - Well... (chuckles) Very entertaining and, uh, clever use of multim edia. Now, here's a work by Charles Ruttheimer. (image of Upchuck appears on screen while "Also Sprach Zarathustra" plays) (at Daria's house)

SSW Announcer (on TV) - Could a family of ghosts be living in your house rent-fr ee? Helen (offscreen) - Meeting! Jake (offscreen) - Golf! Quinn (offscreen) - Date! Daria - Sarcasm! SSW Announcer (on TV) - Freeloading familial phantoms, next on Sick, Sad World. (doorbell rings) Trent - Hey, Daria. Daria - Trent. Trent - I hope you don't mind me coming by. I want to talk to you. Daria - Take a number. (at Pizza King) Daria - Um, thanks. Trent - No problem. I feel bad about letting you guys down. I wanted to explain what happened. Daria - Oh. Well, sure. Trent - I just couldn't get the music together. Daria - Yeah...? Trent - That's it. Daria - Why didn't you tell us you were having a problem? We could have made a b ackup plan. Trent - I figured I'd get inspired eventually. I still think I will. Daria - Trent, it was a school assignment. We had a deadline. Trent - I don't believe in deadlines, Daria. They stifle creativity. Daria - Yeah, but agreeing to help us meant you were committing to our deadline. Trent - Maybe we just have different ideas about what a commitment is. Daria - I suppose we do. Trent - I guess it wasn't such a great idea for us to get together... on this. Daria - No, I guess there was no way it could have worked out. Trent - Hmm. It's too bad, Daria. I always kind of felt you understood the way I think.

Daria - I do, Trent. I do. (Jane and Tom arrive) Jane - Trent, I don't care if she forgives you. I'm never speaking to you again. Trent - You just did. Jane - Damn! So did he give you a plausible reason for screwing up our project? Daria - From his point of view. Jane - That's better than nothing... I think. Tom - Tough day on the farm, eh, Daria? (Daria smirks) Trent - I don't get it. Daria - Private joke. Jane - Oh, no... no private jokes allowed. Come on, buy me a slice. (leaves with Tom) Trent - They don't look so bad together. I told you he's an okay guy. Daria - I suppose. Trent - Listen, I got to get to rehearsal. I'm late. Daria - How do you know? You don't wear a watch. Trent - I'm always late. That's why I don't wear a watch. They depress me. Daria - You know, Trent, somehow that makes perfect sense. Trent - Sorry again about, you know... everything. Daria - That's okay. Trent - All right then, Daria. See you around. (gives Daria a peck on the cheek and leaves) Daria - See ya. (Jane beckons Daria to her and Tom's table) Tom - Hey. Jane - Hey. Daria - Hey. Jane - Pizza? Daria - You're buying. (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Partner's Complaint Episode #401 Written by Glenn Eichler (opening theme song) (Daria and Jane walking home from school) Jane - And we're sitting there, trying to watch the movie, and this guy next to Tom just won't shut up. So finally, Tom takes out a ten-dollar bill and says to him, "Hey, buddy, I'll pay for your popcorn if you promise to sit somewhere else after you get it." Daria - And then he developed a vaccine for polio, and tricked Rumpelstiltskin i nto revealing his name. Jane - Oh, come on, you have to admit, that young Thomas is a clever fellow. Daria - Young Thomas? Is that how they talk at his preparatory academy? Jane - Hey, I told you, his parents make him go there. Daria - Gosh, has he tried buying them some popcorn if they'll let him go somewh ere else? (horn honks as Tom's car pulls up to Daria and Jane) Tom - Yo. Hey, Daria. Jane - Yo. Daria - Why, young Thomas... how nice to see you. Tom - Anybody want a ride home? Daria - That's very thoughtful of you, but since I live two houses down, I guess I'll pass. Tom - Oh, yeah. Jane - Well, I'll take that ride. (gets into Tom's car) See you later. Tom - See you later, Daria. Daria - Later. (sighs as car speeds away) (school bell rings) (at Daria's locker) Daria - So, what did you do last night? Jane - Oh, you know, not much. Daria - You went out with Tom?

Jane - Well... yeah. Daria - You know, you don't have to tiptoe around me like I'm some sort of hyste rical nut job. (closes locker) Jane - There are many words I could use to describe you. Hysterical is not among them. (Daria and Jane approach Kevin and Brittany) Brittany - I know what you think, but I know what I think, and I think I think j ust as well as you think, don't you think? Kevin - Babe, if it were up to me, I'd want you to have the brain power of a guy , but it's science. Men are smarter, because we have more muscle mass in our hea ds. Brittany - I'm just as smart as you, maybe smarter. Kevin - (laughing) Okay, sure you are. Brittany - Don't you fratronize me! (walks away in a huff) Kevin - You think I don't know what that means? I know what that means! (walks a way in a huff) Jane - They're fighting over who's smarter? Daria - There's a battle of the Titans. Jane - I don't know. You gotta give Brittany credit for not feeling like she has to conform to his image of her. Daria - What's that supposed to mean? Jane - Huh? Daria - Are you comparing Kevin and Brittany to you and me? Jane - There's, like, 16 possible combinations there, and not a single one of th em works. Daria - Kevin should accept Brittany saying she's smart, and I should accept you and this whole Tom worship. Jane - Daria, you're making a big leap here, and I don't worship Tom or anyone e lse. Get over it. Daria - I am. (walks away) (in Mrs. Bennett's class) Mrs. Bennett - Class, this will be very exciting. We're going to set aside our b ooks and experience some real-life economics: renting an apartment, applying for a credit card, opening a retirement account. Of course, I don't expect you to a ctually rent an apartment or what have you. You'll just go through as much of th e process as you can and report back on your experiences. Your assignment tonigh t is to pick a project and a partner. Daria - Excuse me, what if we prefer to work alone?

Mrs. Bennett - I'd really rather you work with someone, Daria. In the real world , we rarely make financial decisions without having to consider someone else's n eeds and wishes. Daria - Lousy real world. (school bell rings) (Daria and Jane walking outside) Jane - So, you want to do the project alone, hmm? Daria - Kind of. I kind of said that to tick you off. Jane - It worked. (Jodie approaches) Jodie - Are you guys doing that economics project together? Jane - Not necessarily. Daria - It's not looking good. Jodie - Really? Jane - Aren't you working with young Mack? Jodie - I don't know -- he's kind of bad with money. Like, he's been overdrawn o n his allowance for a while now. Daria - How long? Jodie - Since third grade. (Kevin passes behind the girls and approaches Brittany) Kevin - So, babe, what do you want to do for our economics project? Brittany - I'm not doing any project with you, you big ape. (pushes Kevin away) Jane - Uh-oh. Kevin - Oh, yeah? Then who are you going to do your project with? Brittany - Um... (view becomes a Terminator/RoboCop-like scope, whirring and buzzing before closi ng in on Jodie) Jodie - (quickly) Um, Daria, do you want to work with me on this project? Daria - Huh? (looks at Jane) Jane - Don't do me any favors. Daria - Sure, Jodie, why not? Jodie - Okay, cool.

(Brittany approaches) Brittany - Jodie, Mr. Thompson and I are not speaking, so do you want to do the economics project with me? Jodie - Aw, gee, Brittany, I wish I could, but I promised Daria I'd do it with h er. Brittany - Oh... well, um, how about you, Jane? Jane - You want to do a class project with me? Brittany - Well, not really, but I mean, you're right here and all. Jane - Oh, Brittany, you sweet-talker, you. (Jane and Brittany walk away) Daria - (to no one in particular) I hate everybody. (to Jodie) So, you ready to work? (at Daria's house) Jodie - Come on, Daria. If you don't like any of those other projects, all we're left with is taking out a small-business loan, renting an apartment, or budgeti ng a funeral. (Quinn enters living room holding cordless phone) Quinn - Um, that's sweet of you, Russell, but we just went out two weeks ago, so I really can't go out with you again for another three weeks. Well, I consider a hospital visit a date. Sorry. Anyway, good luck with the new kidney and all. B ye. (exits living room) Daria - Is that by any chance a sibling's funeral? Jodie - Why don't we try the loan? I do want to start my own business after coll ege. (Jake enters living room holding cellular phone) Jake - Come on, Mel, give me another shot. We'll have them lining up to buy meth ane-powered hot tubs. Hey, how about this catchphrase: "So it smells? So what!" (pause) Come on, Mel, they're going to repossess my parking space! (exits living room) Daria - Yes, let's start a business. Nothing like being your own boss. Jodie - What should we call our company? Daria - "Brink of Bankruptcy, Incorporated?" Jodie - How about "Millennium Project Enterprises"? (Helen enters living room holding cellular phone) Helen - No, no, absolutely not! It's unethical, it's immoral, it may well be ill egal. I'll have no part of it. Okay, I'll do it. (exits living room) Jodie - It's a little busy in here. You want to take a break and get some pizza?

Daria - Can I put it on my Millennium Project Enterprises expense report? (Jodie sighs and rolls her eyes) (at Brittany's house) Brittany - What do you think of this? We could plan a wedding. That sounds dream y. Jane - I guess we could say you're marrying your high-school sweetheart and I'm just there for moral support. Brittany - Oh, no! I'm not marrying that jerk! Jane - No, you're not actually... Brittany - I'll tell you what. We'll tell them my high-school sweetheart begged and begged me to marry him, but I finally had enough of all his immature behavio r and went off to the Bahamas to be alone and think, and I met a wonderful, youn g stablehand named Andre, and the minute we looked into each others' eyes we kne w it had to be, because anyone who knows that much about horses would certainly know a lot about women. (pause) Jane - You want to go get some pizza? (walking through strip mall) Kevin - Okay, so how about we say we want a home loan to build one of those, uh, book rooms onto our house, because, you know, we're a couple of smart guys. Mack - You mean a library? Kevin - No, bro, you're thinking of that building downtown where you can rent mo vies for free. Mack - (sighs) Why didn't I pay my dad back in third grade? (at Pizza King) Brittany - Well, if you don't like the wedding idea, how about shopping for e-le c-tive surgery? Jane - Too messy. Why don't we just use my standard approach and pick the easies t? You like cars? Brittany - Sure! Jane - Okay, we're buying a car. (Mack and Kevin enter) Mack - Hey. Jane - Yo. Kevin - Good afternoon. Brittany - Likewise, I'm sure.

Kevin - My partner and I were just discussing our class project for economics. Brittany - What an amusing coincidence. So were my partner and I. We're going to purchase an automobile. Kevin - A coincidence, indeed, for we're going to purchase an automobile, too... as well. Brittany - Well, I suppose we'll see who uses their superior intelligence to get the better deal, will we not? (Jodie and Daria enter) Jodie - Hey, guys. Mack - Hey, what's up? Brittany - Hi! Jodie - Want to get a slice? Mack - Okay. (Mack and Jodie leave the scene) Brittany - Well, that's nice -- a boyfriend and a girlfriend getting a slice tog ether out of mutual respect. I would ask you to sit down, but as you can see, I' m here with my friend Jane, who respects my intelligence. Jane (to Daria) - She's embellishing a little. Kevin - Well, I don't need to sit with you because I'll just sit with... hey, Ma ck! (runs after Mack) Jane (to Daria) - Why don't you sit down with us? Daria - I'm not really hungry. (turns and leaves) (a sad Jane watches Daria leave, while Brittany obliviously looks on) (at Honest Lee's New & Used Autos) Brittany - I want something sporty, but I want to stay in a budget. Wally - Hmm, where did you say you go to school again? Brittany - Lawndale High. Jane - So, just what exactly is standard on this car and what costs extra? Wally - Hmm, Lawndale High. I guess being a cheerleader and all, you probably li ke to date football players. Brittany - I used to... Jane - What about the warranty? How many years does that cover? Wally - Not boring old Wally the car salesman, who has his choice of any convert ible on the lot to pick you up with in front of all of your friends.

Brittany - Wow! That sounds fun, but I'm supposed to ask you about the sticker p rice on the car. Wally - (crumples sticker) Sticker schmicker. (outside to Kevin and Mack in the lot) Kevin - Now, I don't want to spend a lot of money for this car. Salesman - Course not! You should pay what it's worth, not a penny more. Kevin - Exactly! Salesman - Because you're obviously a man who knows what things are worth, so yo u can see why this car is such a bargain at $20,000. Mack - Yeah, but his budget is $10,000. Salesman - For how many years? Kevin - Huh? Salesman - $10,000 for how many years? One, two, five? Because you spend $10,000 today for a crappy car and put two grand of work into it a year. In three years , you've spend $16,000. You're six grand in the hole. Kevin - Hmm. Salesman - But you spend 20 grand today for a nice car with a three-year warrant y, you're spending zero instead of two large a year on repairs. You come out at the end of three years six grand ahead. You see what I'm saying? Mack - Yes, but... Salesman - You hang onto that car five years, you've saved ten grand in repairs. And since your original budget for the car was ten grand, well, fellas, it's li ke you just got yourself a car for free! Mack - Wait a minute. Kevin - Yeah, wait a minute. Does this thing have cup holders? (at the bank) Jodie - ... and so, Millennium Project Enterprises plans to empower young people to make their own investment decisions, so that investing becomes as natural to them as, say, going out for a fast-food hamburger. Daria - Because we all know how natural those hamburgers are. Loan Officer - And just exactly what is your role in the company, Miss Morgendor ffer? Daria - Public relations officer. Jodie - Daria is the inside person; I'm the outside person. Loan Officer - Very wise decision. Well, I'll tell you what. It's a fascinating idea, and very impressive presentation. But two girls still in high school with

no business experience? You're what we call "high-risk applicants." I really don 't think the bank will give you a loan. Unless, Daria, you want to ask your fath er to cosign for it. Daria - I don't think I can do that. He's already had one heart attack. Loan Officer - Oh, well, then... I'm sorry. Jodie - What about my father? Loan Officer - What about him? Does he know anything about business? Jodie - He helped me put together this proposal that you claimed was so impressi ve. Loan Officer - Your father's not Andrew Landon, is he? Jodie - That's him. Loan Officer - The folding coffee cup guy? Jodie - Yes, that's my dad. Loan Officer - Well, then, Jodie, you've got business savvy in your blood. Why d on't I run your plan by my boss and see what he thinks? Maybe we can work someth ing out. Jodie - Why? You don't give loans to high-risk applicants, unless maybe you're h oping you'll get a little business from their fathers. Loan Officer - Now, Jodie... Jodie - My father's the same high-risk color that I am, you know. (storms out) Daria - Well, I guess that makes me the outside person. (outside) (Daria runs to catch up with Jodie) Daria - Easy there, speedy. Jodie - The nerve of that idiot! Listening to my business plan and all my answer s to his questions, then asking if your father would cosign the loan. Why? Becau se you're the right color. Daria - At least you called him on it. Jodie - All I want is to be judged on my own merits, you know? Daria - Maybe they won't be so stupid at the next bank. Jodie - Maybe, maybe not. (at the second bank) Loan Officer - Hi, girls. I understand you're looking to start up a brand-new bu siness. Tell me all about it. Jodie - Yes, we're very excited about our idea, and we've put together a compreh

ensive business plan with the help of my father, Andrew Landon. Loan Officer - Oh! The folding coffee cup guy? (Jodie smiles, Daria frowns) (at Jane's house) SSW Announcer - Would you moan my name... if I boinked you in heaven? Ghost hook ers in the sky, tonight on Sick, Sad World. Brittany - Jane, will you please turn that off and listen? Jane - Sorry. (turns TV off) Brittany - All right, so then the nice man told us we could have the car for $10 0 over dealer's cost. And... (Trent enters the room) Trent - Hey, Janey. Hey, Da... (sees Brittany) ...whoa! (doorbell rings, Jane opens door) Jane - Wally! Wally - Hey, Jane Lane. I was just passing by in a hot new Vexer and I remembere d your address. Jane - But I didn't give it to you. Wally - I... looked it up before I just passed by. Anyway, I saw Brittany's old junker out front there and I said to myself, "Wally, you can't let that girl dri ve around in that death trap. It'll be on your conscience." Trent - (annoyed) That's my car. Wally - Yeah? Nice. So, Brittany, you up for a test drive? (at Daria's house) Jodie - "And so, armed with a realistic mission statement and a detailed three-y ear business plan, we managed to secure a start-up loan and a line of credit at the second bank we visited." How does that sound? Daria - Sounds like an "A." Jodie - That's what I think. "After we explained that the whole thing had only b een a school project, the loan officer shook our hands and said to be sure and c ome see him when we were really ready to start a business." Daria - And we all tripped off into the sunset with a happy song on our lips. Jodie - Something wrong? Daria - What could be wrong? It was a triumph for all involved. Jodie - So, what's the problem? Daria - What problem?

Jodie - Your problem. Daria - No problem. It's like you said. Armed with blah, blah, and blah, we went in and got a loan strictly on the merits of our work. (Helen arrives downstairs) Jodie - Uh-huh. Why don't you tell me what you think happened? Daria - Okey-doke. What I think happened is: you went to one bank and a loan off icer dismissed you on the basis of your youth and possibly your race, until he f ound out who your father was, at which point he started kissing your butt, you c alled him a hypocrite, and we walked out. Jodie - That's right. Daria - Only to go into a second bank where the first words out of your mouth we re your father's name. Jodie - What are you getting at, Daria? Daria - Well, which was more hypocritical: the first guy's changing his tune whe n he found out who your father was, or you making sure the second guy knew who y our father was before he formed an opinion? Jodie - Are you calling me a hypocrite? Daria - No, I'm just saying... Jodie - Hey, our assignment was to get a loan, not save the world. We were suppo sed to approach an adult financial situation like adults and that's exactly what I did. I used the resources at my disposal to get the loan -- my dad's name. An d if I happened to depart from your black-and-white world of ethics -- no pun in tended... Daria - None taken. Jodie - ...and wandered into a gray area, then too bad. Maybe the first guy was a racist, maybe not. Maybe I was right. Maybe I overreacted. Hey, you wouldn't b e working with me if you weren't fighting with Jane. Does that make you a racist ? Daria - Don't be ridiculous. Jodie - Don't tell me what's ethical and what's not. I approached it like a smar t businessperson and I got the loan. Daria - Fair enough. Jodie - Are we done here? Daria - Oh, yeah, we're done. Jodie - (gets up to leave) Good, I'll see you at school. (passes Helen on the wa y out) Hi, Mrs. Morgendorffer. Helen - Hello, Jodie. (Daria slumps miserably on the couch)

(at Pizza King) Brittany - So then, the car salesman guy was so sad when he found out we weren't really buying a car. He said they had these big conventions in the Bahamas wher e they all talk about the sales they made and he was hoping to talk about our sa le, and now he couldn't. Jodie - Poor guy. Brittany - And then he invited me to go to the convention with him so I could se e for myself. (Jodie rolls her eyes as Kevin and Mack approach) Mack - Hey, what's up? Jodie - Hey. Brittany - Hello, Mack. Kevin - Excuse me, Mack, but would tell these ladies about the awesome deal I ju st made for a car? Brittany - Go on, tell us, Mack. Mack - Could everyone stop saying my name like that? It's creeping me out. Brittany - Of course, Ma... um, sure. Mack - Anyway, this dealer wanted to sell us a brand-new Vexer for the sticker p rice, 20 grand, but Kevin went back by himself, and by offering the guy cash, he got him down to $18,500. Jodie - You did, huh? Brittany - That's peculiar. Jane and I made a deal for the same car for $16,000. I believe that's several thousand dollars lower than your arrangement, if my ma thematics hold... or holds. Kevin - Oh, yeah? Let's see the paperwork. Brittany - What do you mean? I didn't really buy the car. Jodie - Yeah, Kevin, she'd have to be an idiot to think Mrs. Bennett actually wa nted her to go through with the purchase. (Kevin pauses for a second, then gets a look of total panic) Kevin - I got to get to that car place! (runs out) Mack - How did your thing with Daria go? Jodie - (hesitantly) Oh, okay, I guess. (at Daria's house) (knock on Daria's bedroom door) Daria - Yeah? (Helen enters) No, I don't want to talk about it.

Helen - Talk about what? Daria - Whatever it is you came in to have a heart to heart about. Helen - I came in to ask you to rinse off your dishes before you put them in the dishwasher. Your father found a cheese fry melted onto his "World's Greatest Da d" cup and he thought it was some kind of rodent. Now he's sworn off coffee. Daria - Then I should be hearing from the Nobel committee any day now. Helen - All right, then, I'll leave you to your reading. (starts to leave) Daria - Don't I seem inordinately unhappy to you? Helen - I don't want to pry. (sees look on Daria's face) Well... I did overhear your argument with Jodie. Daria - Do you think I'm a rigid, unrealistic, unforgiving self-righteous jerk w ho can't hold on to a friend? Helen - She didn't say anything like that. Daria - But, do you? Helen - Daria, you have strong beliefs and you want to live by them. That's not a fault or a character flaw. It's admirable; it's what makes you who you are. Daria - Jodie didn't think so. Helen - Jodie is a little more pragmatic than you are. She didn't appreciate bei ng criticized for it. Daria - I don't blame her. Helen - And since she's pragmatic, she also knows that the fact that someone's h aving a bad day doesn't make them a bad person. Daria - What about someone with a pattern of alienating people with her self-rig hteous pronouncements? Helen - People aren't as easily alienated as you think, Daria. Ask Jane. She'll tell you. (at school, in Mrs. Bennett's class) Mack - And, in conclusion, this project taught us several valuable lessons about financial transactions in the real world. Kevin - Yeah, like never leave a cash down payment. (sobbing) Oh, gosh, oh... do n't let them see me like this. (runs out of room) Mack - Um, thank you very much. (returns to his seat) Mrs. Bennett - Well, that was certainly informative. Now, let's hear from Jodie and Daria, who went out seeking a loan to start a new business. (Jodie and Daria stand in front of class) Jodie - Before visiting banks to apply for a loan, we realized we would have to

have all our numbers in order. We also tried to anticipate the bankers' question s and be ready with detailed answers. Daria - Although what actually got us the loan had little to do with all that pr eparation. (pause) It was being flexible enough to tailor our approach to what w ould make the bank officer feel comfortable about lending us money. Jodie - Um, we started by defining internally exactly what our financial objecti ves would be... (later, outside Mrs. Bennett's classroom) Jodie - Hey, Daria... that was nice what you said in that presentation. Daria - Don't get conceited. The only reason I changed my mind about what you di d is that I was wrong and I acted like a clod. Jodie - That's two reasons. Daria - Rub it in, why don't you? Jodie - Listen, I shouldn't have bitten your head off either. I'm sorry about th at. Daria - Don't worry about it. I was tired of that head anyway. Jodie - See you later? Daria - Later. (Jodie leaves just as Jane -- who has been following close behind -- arrives) Jane - Hey. Daria - Hey. Jane - Couldn't help overhearing that you've been acting like a clod. Daria - Yeah, I'll bet that came as a big shock. Well, at least she acted stupid , too, so we both had to apologize. Jane - Yeah. Imagine how bad you'd feel if you'd been behaving like that towards someone who hadn't even done anything to you. Daria - Yeah, just imagine. Listen, Jane, I... Jane - On the other hand, imagine if you had this really good friend who was hav ing a really bad week and this friend's been acting pretty much like a jerk towa rd you. Daria - Yeah... Jane - But you already know how badly she feels about it. You with me? Daria - Um, I think so. Jane - Maybe it's this friend that you don't get to see as often as you used to, but you still care just as much about her and you hate to see her unhappy. Daria - Yeah...

Jane - Well, maybe you'd just forgive that friend for what she did without even asking for an apology, just to let her know, you know, that you're still best fr iends. Daria - That's an interesting scenario you propose. Suppose that left your frien d, um, kind of embarrassed and speechless? Jane - Well, then, I'd just tell her that I'd meet her for pizza after school -give the kid some time to collect herself. Daria - Sounds like a good idea. Jane - I thought so. (leaves) (at Pizza King) Jane - So then, Brittany says to this Wally guy (imitating Brittany) "Did they h ave football when you went to high school?" Daria - This is what I get for putting down your Tom stories. Jane - Hey, I've still got a bunch of those you haven't heard. (Daria rolls her eyes as Kevin and Brittany enter) Brittany - Let's never, ever fight again, okay? We shan't let anything mar our l ove. Kevin - Oh, babe, you're so hot. Brittany - Oh, Kevvy. Jane - Looks like everything's back to normal in the land of slow-witted love. (Wally enters) Brittany - Wally! Kevin - Wally? Who's Wally? Wally - Hey, Brittany! Some idiot bought a car, then returned it the next day. N ow I've got to sell it as used -- how's you like a new Vexer for half price? Brittany - Wow! Kevin - Hey, wait! That's my car! You can't buy it for half price! Brittany - Why not? You returned it. Kevin - I thought you loved me. What a traitor! Brittany - Traitor?! I can't believe you... (Kevin and Brittany continue arguing) Daria - Yup... everything's back to normal. (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Antisocial Climbers Episode #402 Written by Jill Cargerman (opening theme song) (in Mr. O'Neill's class) Mr. O'Neill - Class, in my hands, I hold a piece of paper which has the potentia l to open up a world of positive experiences. Daria - Mandatory home-schooling legislation? Mr. O'Neill - A sign-up sheet for an overnight hill trek. An excellent opportuni ty to understand the primal struggle for survival we made it through together in The Call of the Wild. Jane - Hmm, 24 consecutive hours with our classmates. Daria - It doesn't get any more primal than that. Jane - So my guess is you won't be signing up. Daria - No. My life is so full already that trying biodegradable toilet paper wo uld just bring it to the bursting point. What about you? Jane - No way. I had a bad experience on that hill with the Girl Scouts. We kept marching and singing and marching and singing about some freak named John Jacob Jingleheimer somebody. Daria - You were a Girl Scout? Jane - Not after the deprogramming. (at Daria's house) (all four eating breakfast at the kitchen table) Jake - (holding cereal box while covering one eye) K-I-N... or is that an "M"? ( pounds table) Damn eyes! Quinn - Oh, Mom, look! These climbing shoes will look so cute with the matching tear-resistant cigarette pants. Helen - Yes... Daria, is there anything you'd like to order from the catalog? Daria - How about the tear-resistant new identity? (gets up from table to sit at kitchen counter) Quinn - Of course, I'll also need the Gore-Tex twin set for impromptu parties. (Daria turns TV on) SSW Announcer - Why are so many Siamese twins being born in this Bangkok hospita l? "Babes in Thailand" tonight on Sick, Sad World.

(Daria turns TV off) Helen - Dad and I would be happy to help you get outfitted for the field trip, t oo. Wouldn't we, Jake? Jake - S-U-G-A... damn! (hits table) What the hell is that letter? (Helen grabs cereal box out of his hands) Hey! Quinn - Now, I'll need a credit card. Don't worry about the calls, because it's for a field trip, so, technically, we're talking school supplies and "nothing's too good for our girls' education." (giggles) Jake - You're going on a trip? Helen - Jake, with Daria and Quinn away overnight, this is the perfect opportuni ty for us to spend that quality couple's time recommended by our intimacy counse lor. Jake - Great idea! (pause) Who? Helen - I've been seeing an intimacy counselor to promote growth and togethernes s in our relationship. It was just easier to schedule if I went alone. I'll fill you in. Jake - All right. Daria - I hate to burst this bubble of marital bliss, but since I'm not going on the field trip, you'll have to forego your quality couple's time for the usual inferior couple's time. Quinn - Okay, Daria's talking so I have to leave now. (gets up from table and wa lks out) Helen - Bye, Quinn. (approaches Daria) All right, Daria, name your price. Daria - Excuse me? My refusal to attend this field trip is based on moral and et hical objections so intrinsic... Helen - $30. Daria - $50. Helen - Done. Daria - Of course, this $50 merely buys my participation in the field trip. For an additional $20, I could be convinced not to tell Quinn about this arrangement . Helen - I gave you life, Daria; I can take it away. (leaves) Daria - (resigned voice) $50 should do it. Jake - "King Tut was buried without his diver." What the hell does that mean?! Daria - That's "liver," Dad. Jake - Eww... (outside the school)

Helen - All right, girls, your father and I will be at the Big River Cabins just a couple of miles from your campsite if you need anything at all. Jake - Unless it's money. Bye! (drives away) (Jane approaches) Daria - Thanks for coming. Jane - Hey, that's what friends are for. Now, where's that $50? Daria - (hands money to Jane) You know, I really should have thought this throug h better. (Kevin and Brittany walk past, singing off-key) Kevin and Brittany - John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, his name is my name, too.. . Jane - Yeah, me, too. Stacy - Quinn, that scarf is so cute. Tiffany - Yeah, so cute. Sandi - I would have brought my really cute scarf, but I was under the impressio n we were supposed to take clothes that are functional and fashionable. Quinn - Actually, Sandi, they don't call this a scarf. It's a thermal neck insul ator that easily converts into a sling-back heat-dispelling halternative for uns easonably warm weather conditions. Tiffany - Wow. Stacy - Wow, you think of everything, Quinn. Quinn - And, it comes with a matching snakebite kit. Tiffany - But... why would you bite a snake? Sandi - You don't understand, Tiffany, dear. The woods are full of slimy, cold-b looded creatures. Isn't that right, Quinn? Quinn - (laughs nervously) Um, look at this stuff. Stacy - Oh, my God. Tiffany - Oh, wow. Mr. DeMartino - Good morning, students. Please be so gracious as to haul your mi lk-fed buttocks onto the bus. (climbs onto bus) Ms. Barch - (loads bags into bus luggage bay) Hurry up, girls. You don't want to get left behind. Jane - You mean it's an option? Ms. Barch - (closes luggage bay door) Oh, sure, being left behind seems like a c ute idea to you now, but when it happens to you after 22 years of squandering yo ur good looks and womanly charms, you might not find it so amusing to be abandon

ed with nothing but eight bags of dirty laundry and a pyramid of "Beers of the W orld" empties! Jane - How does that saying go? "'Tis better to have loved and lost..." Daria - "If you know a good hit man." Mr. O'Neill - And finally, Jamie, Joey, Jeffy, you'll be in charge of transporti ng field supplies. And let's all be respectful of this unspoiled wilderness, oka y? Remember, we're in God's high school now. (wheezes) Oh, my, there's a lot of pollen in God's high school. (chuckles) Jane - You don't suppose we could be in for a blizzard of epic proportions? Daria - That would only happen if we were stranded in the comfort of our favorit e pizza place. Ms. Li - Don't you worry, girls. We'll reach base camp long before any inclement weather should arrive. Daria - Thank you, Principal Donner. Ms. Li - And once I've documented our triumphant ascent with this camera, Lawnda le's Wilderness Adventure Club will be a shoo-in for a lucrative sponsorship fro m Extreme Sportz Mania Worldwide Inc. "Hanging ten on the edge of the apocalypse ..." Ooh! Jane - But Lawndale doesn't have a Wilderness Adventure Club. Ms. Li - We do now. Mr. O'Neill, you're artistic. Document these two doing somet hing rugged. Mr. O'Neill - Okay, girls, let's see that primal instinct. (growls) (O'Neill tapes Jane yawning and Daria rubbing her nose) (Quinn attempts to haul her bags as the rest of the Fashion Club walks past) Quinn - Sandi? Wait up, you guys! Sandi - I know, Quinn. Why don't you convert one of your mittens into a luggage carrier? (Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie quickly approach) Jamie - Want me to get those for you, Quinn? Quinn - That is so sweet. Don't fall too far behind! (walks away) (the Three J's begin fighting over Quinn's bags) Jeffy - I got them! Jamie - Come on, man! Joey - Hey, wait, guys! There are three of Quinn's bags and three of us! (Joey and Jeffy each grab one of Quinn's bags, dropping the supply bags in the p rocess)

Jeffy - Oh. (drops his supply bag and grabs Quinn's remaining bag) (on the mountain trail) Kevin - Hey, babe, I got a surprise for you. Brittany - Flowers! Kevin - Oh, you guessed it. Brittany - Oh, Kevvy... that is so romantic. (sniffs flowers, which releases a s warm of bees) Ow! Ow! Kevin - Hey, babe... where's my thank-you? Brittany - (runs down the mountain, chased by bees) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Mr. O'Neill - Oh, dear. You see, kids, even the lowly wildflower humbles us with its crafty defenses, attracting bees or spewing lung-seizing pollen. (wheezes) Mack - Are you okay, Mr. O'Neill? Mr. O'Neill - Just seasonal allergies. Nothing my trusty inhaler can't cure... a lthough this one appears to be empty. (wheezes) That's funny. I could have sworn I packed a backup. Ms. Li - What's the holdup here, mountaineers? Mack - Mr. O'Neill can't find his inhaler. Mr. O'Neill - Just... need... rest. Jane - Uh-oh, teacher down. Daria - Now we'll have to turn back. Darn. Ms. Li - No one's turning back. I need those summit celebration shots to really grab those Extreme Sportz Mania Worldwide Inc. execs by the hacky sacks! Someone will just have to short-rope Mr. O'Neill. (Li looks at Barch, who does a slow burn as we fade into a montage sequence) (parody of Gone With the Wind) Ms. Barch - (bad Southern accent) As God is my witness, I will never pull a man' s weight again! (crushes vegetable) (clip from "The Daria Hunter": Barch smooch-attacks O'Neill) (clip from "Fair Enough": Barch drags O'Neill under the fortune teller's table) (clip from "Just Add Water": Barch and O'Neill make out as the ship slowly sinks ) (back to present day) Ms. Barch - (drags O'Neill via a rope sling) Come on, Skinny. (at the cabin)

(Jake and Helen enter the cabin, and are clearly underwhelmed) Jake - This is it? For $95 and change you'd think they'd at least throw in a lou sy radio. Helen - Jake, the whole purpose of this trip is to deepen our relationship witho ut distractions -- no radio, no children, no television, no cell phone... my God , what have I done? What have I done?! Jake - Hey, look, Helen. A bearskin rug. Helen - Bearskin? Me-ow! (runs out of shot, clearly intending to disrobe) Jake - Woof! (runs after her) (hissing, barking and howling is heard as, presumably, Helen and Jake "put some spice back into their marriage") (on the mountain trail) Ms. Li - (to herself) Money, that's corporate. Sponsorship, that's money. Daria - Weren't we supposed to be at the campsite by now? Jane - Yeah, but something tells me things aren't going exactly as planned. (DeMartino joins the group, dragging Barch and O'Neill behind him) Mr. DeMartino - Please, no one offer to help! I'd hate to take any pressure off of my slipped disc! Daria - Gee, whatever gave you that idea? Ms. Li - Don't worry, girls. We'll have no problem reaching base camp before dar k, as long as there are no more surprises. (snow starts falling) Daria - (deadpan) Surprise. (on the mountain trail) Ms. Li - 43, 44, 45... okay, we're missing one. Look around: who's not here who should be? Daria - Someone with enough common sense to turn back while there was still time ? Jane - Yeah, where is that guy? Mr. DeMartino the buses to ll she's done s ever known. - What's that? (Barch grunts) Barch here says O'Neill went back to look for his inhaler... (Barch whimpers) ...abandoning her after a for him, just like... (Barch grunts) ...every other lousy man she' "Men!" (Barch whimpers) "I hate their stinking guts!"

Ms. Li - The fool! He'll never make it down in his condition. I'm going after hi m. (heads off) Jane - Wow, that's kind of heroic.

Daria - He's got her video camera. Jane - Oh, yeah. Kevin - Hey, check it out: snow angel! (falls to ground with a distinct "thud") Mack - You might want to wait until there's a little more snow on the ground. Jodie - Mr. DeMartino, considering the low visibility, shouldn't we have a buddy system or something? Mr. DeMartino - I had a buddy once, until I came home one night and he married m y mother! (Jane and Daria hurry past) Jane - Do we want to hear anymore of this story? Daria - March, fast! (at the bunkhouse) Ms. Barch - (shivers as she lights a lantern) DeMartino... out finding firewood. Get supplies unpacked. Remember, teamwork... (spots student unpacking a sleepin g bag) Is that... sleeping bag? Mine! (runs over and grabs bag) (Jane and Daria enter the bunkhouse, finding the students standing around aimles sly while Barch shivers in the sleeping bag) Jane - Is it bad if I can't feel my feet? Daria - That depends. How much do you enjoy walking? Kevin - Babe, I just want you to know that I'm not mad anymore that you didn't t hank me. Brittany - You wanted me to thank you for this? (points at her swollen face) Kevin - Eww! But, no... I meant for the flowers. Jodie - (rummaging through bags) All right, let's get these supply bags open and start distributing blankets, food and... (pulls out a pair of) ...pink ostrich feather earmuffs? Quinn - Oh, great! I was wondering where those were. (grabs earmuffs) Mack - (to Three J's) Weren't you guys supposed to be carrying the supply bags? Jeffy - Yeah... Mack - So where are they? Jamie - Back at the buses, maybe? Joey - Probably. Jeffy - Definitely. (students start to converge on Quinn; they are clearly unhappy)

Quinn - What? Daria - Well, this is interesting. We're isolated in a freak storm with no suppl ies and no way of contacting the outside world. Jane - Yeah, but look on the bright side: we're going to see a lynching. (students advance further) Quinn - What?!! (at the cabin) Jake - Hey, honey, look what I made! A snow turkey! Helen - Very... abstract, dear. (snow turkey melts in an instant) Jake - Damn it! Now I have to start all over again. (heads for the door) Helen - Jake, aren't you forgetting something? Jake - Oh, yeah, my gloves... (hand sticks to doorknob; he pries it off) Ow! Helen - I'm talking about intimacy, Jake. We're supposed to be focusing on each other, not a snow turkey. Jake - But we did that already, remember? (approaches Helen) Helen - (exasperated) I mean talking, conversation, communicating. Jake - Oh, sure... um, you start. Helen - Well, um... (wind howls, accenting the distinct lack of conversation) (at the bunkhouse) Sandi - Quinn, by causing the supplies to be left behind, you violated the Fashi on Club oath. Quinn - I didn't know there was a Fashion Club oath. Stacy - Yeah, me either. Tiffany - Oath? Sandi - Oh, yes. "To promote a healthy glow by never allowing other members to b e deprived of skin-enhancing water reserves." I'm afraid I have to call a vote o n your standing, Quinn. (Quinn gasps) Daria - I say she gets voted out of the Fashion Club and seeks her revenge from a book depository with a crossbow. Jane - Really? I say she stays in and becomes their leader, unintentionally brin ging about the apocalypse.

Sandi - And who thinks Quinn should be allowed to stay in the Fashion Club? (Stacy and Tiffany remain silent) Quinn - Ooh! Jane - (hands $50 to Daria) It's not the money that hurts; it's having that damn apocalypse postponed again. (DeMartino confers with Mack and Kevin) Mr. DeMartino - All right, sport. You and Mack here are going out as search part y number one! Kevin - Cool, a party? Mr. DeMartino - This isn't going to be a party, Kevin! You're going out into tha t driving, blinding, flesh-tearing ice storm to look for Ms. Li and Mr. O'Neill. Got it? Kevin - Uh, sure, but where's the funnel? Mack - Down the trail, right by the dance floor. Kevin - All right! (Kevin and Mack leave) Jodie - But even if they do find Ms. Li and Mr. O'Neill, what are we going to do about food? Mr. DeMartino - That's where search party two comes in. I'm going out in the sto rm myself, looking for help. The rest of you conserve your energy. Do as little as possible. Pretend you're in class! Daria - You know, if this storm doesn't let up, it could take days for help to a rrive. Jane - Well, when everybody gets hungry enough, it'll be interesting to see who gets eaten first. Daria - But on the downside, we'll have to wait here with them. Jane - Good point. Hey, Mr. DeMartino, we'd like to volunteer to go with you. Mr. DeMartino - As much as I appreciate your kind, if foolhardy offer, I have to decline. It's too dangerous out there. Once you walk out those doors, you may n ot be coming back. Daria - Okay, then we're all on the same page. Mr. DeMartino - Very well, but dress for survival. Daria - Well, I was going to dress for perishing, but okay. (walks over to Quinn ) Hey, Quinn, I need to borrow your neck insulator thingy to go out on this high ly dangerous and potentially doomed rescue mission, okay? Quinn - Whatever. (hands scarf over to Daria) I've got my own problems.

Daria - Please stop the sisterly tears of concern. You're making a scene. Quinn - Look, can you please stop talking to me? If the Fashion Club sees this I 'll be like one of those baby birds that gets put back in the nest but the mothe r knows it's been touched by a human and pecks it to death, understand? Daria - Sure. You're a birdbrain. (walks away) Jane - Hey, nice scarf. Daria - (walking out the door) Look, it converts into a noose. Jane - Handy. (out in the blizzard) Mr. DeMartino - Okay, team, no matter what happens, stick by my side. That's cru cial, understand? Daria and Jane - Yes. (DeMartino screams as he walks off a cliff) (out in the blizzard) Daria - Okay, quick assessment of our situation: we're lost in a blizzard with n o equipment and no leadership, and if we don't get help, we'll probably have to drag back the body of our history teacher. Jane - When you put it that way you make it sound bad. Daria - Then let me rephrase: what started out as a grim, life-negating field tr ip has turned into a grim, life-negating gape into the void. Jane - With our luck, we'll probably be reincarnated and have to do high school all over again from the beginning. Daria - That does it; let's find those buses. (she and Jane begin walking) (at the bunkhouse) Quinn - Does anyone want to borrow my sunscreen lip gloss? I've got plenty! Sandi - Forget it, Quinn. We're not letting you back in the Fashion Club. We hav e bylaws, you know. Stacy - We... (wimpers under Sandi's glare) Quinn - But I told you, it's not my fault the supplies got left behind for my ba gs. Stacy - You didn't have to bring so much stuff, Quinn. Tiffany - It's almost like you were trying to hog the spotlight. Quinn - What?! That is so not true. I wanted to share all my Hot-I-Rondack stuff with you guys. Here, Stacy, take this camouflage yak fur canteen. And Tiffany, this metallic utility belt with detachable emergency food kit is for you. And Sa ndi, I wanted to surprise you with this Titanic edition Chenille Gorp bag.

(Jodie approaches) Jodie - Wait a minute, you brought food and water? We're saved! (examines cantee n and food belt) Um, where is the food and water? Quinn - Well, I was going to bring it along but it just got so bulky. (Jodie dro ps items and walks away in disgust) I'm sorry I've doomed us to a lingering deat h, Sandi. Sandi - Oh, well. Can I have your ostrich feather earmuffs, too? Quinn - Sure. Sandi - Welcome back, Quinn. (at the cabin) (Helen and Jake are clearly lacking for conversation; Jake suddenly starts whist ling) Helen - No whistling! We're supposed to be bonding! Jake - Oh, right... (pauses, then whistles again) Helen - Jake! Jake - Sorry! (a half-frozen DeMartino bursts in, screaming) Helen - Mr. DeMartino! What are you doing here? (quickly covers herself) Mr. DeMartino - Need... phone! Helen - I'm sorry, we don't have a phone. Jake - Or a radio... Helen - Or a television. Have a seat. Jake - Get comfy. Helen - How about a game of charades? Mr. DeMartino - Need... help! (heads towards door, only to be pulled back in by Jake) Jake - You'll do fine. Everybody knows how to play charades. Helen - You go first, Mr. DeMartino. Mr. DeMartino - But... I... Helen - Uh, uh, uh! No speaking! Jake - That's rule number one. Helen - Is it a book? A TV show? Jake - An adult movie?

(DeMartino grunts) (out in the blizzard) Jane - I think this could really be it! Daria - What are you talking about? Just keep walking. We'll find our way. Jane - I don't know, Daria. This is bad. Daria - Listen, I'm sorry I gave you all that crap about your boyfriend. Jane - Well, I'm sorry I embarrassed you all those times in front of my brother. (pause) Daria - I feel like we should say more. Jane - I know. That was kind of pathetic. Daria - Um... I'm sorry my parents didn't stop at one child. Jane - I'm sorry they added those ugly blue M&M's. (pause) Better? Daria - I've made my peace. (outside, near a cave) (Mack approaches Ms. Li, who is examining a pair of underwear attached to a bran ch like a flag) Mack - Ms. Li? Ms. Li - What are you doing here, Mr. MacKenzie? We're miles from the bunkhouse. Mack - Mr. DeMartino sent me and Kevin out to find you. Ms. Li - And where is Kevin? Mack - Um... Ms. Li - Never mind. Mack - Okay. Ms. Li - I think Mr. O'Neill may be in this cave. Let's investigate. Mack - Um, all right, but I hope he didn't make any other flags. (Li and Mack en ter the cave) (inside the cave) (O'Neill is camped out around a small fire, the video camera set up on a tripod; the camera is recording O'Neill's last words) Mr. O'Neill - Hello... Timothy O'Neill here. If you are watching these last word s, then you'll know that I'm gone and you've found this camera. Well, you alread y know that you found the camera, obviously, or how would you have the tape? Act ually, if you found the camera, you must have found me. Unless you recovered the

camera from looters, although I must say, it's a pretty heinous thing to steal from a frozen man. Although, come to think of it, it's not actually all that col d anymore. And the snow got rid of the pollen. You know, I feel pretty good! (he ars scuffling sounds) Ms. Li? Mack? Ms. Li - O'Neill, you're wasting expensive videotape! Mr. O'Neill - Oh, dear. Ms. Li - Now, put these on and let's go! (O'Neill chuckles nervously as Li throws his underwear at him) (outside the cabin) Jane - So this didn't work out so bad. We managed to survive the blizzard and di tch the field trip. Daria - Plus, you got that thing off your chest about the blue M&M's. Jane - Do you think we should feel guilty about leaving our classmates stranded in the wild? Daria - Who? Jane - Now, if my calculations are correct, the parking lot is just around this clump of trees here. (Jane and Daria round the corner, to the sight of Helen doing a hornpipe dance w hile Jake and DeMartino try to guess what she's doing; obviously, they're playin g charades) Jake - "The Good Ship Lollipop!" Yeah, that's it! Mr. DeMartino - No, wait! "Popeye the Sailor Man!" Toot, toot! (Daria hands Jane the $50 bill) Jane - What's that for? Daria - Hush money. (going home in Jake's car) Helen - How was the field trip after the snow stopped? Did you girls learn anyth ing? Quinn - I learned that sometimes being too well-dressed can work against you. Wh o would have thought that one's fashion sense could have a dark side? The normal ly life-affirming act of choosing an outfit... Helen - (interrupting) Yes, Quinn. And what about you, Daria? Daria - I came to the realization that, given a choice between sharing shelter w ith my fellow students or risking death by blindly marching into a blizzard, it' s blizzard 'ho for me. Jake - Good for you, kiddo! Helen - Jake!

Daria - Wow. After all that quality time, you two are working together like a we ll-oiled intimacy machine. Jake - (laughs) Say, girls, when we get home, who's up for a game of family char ades? (going home in the bus) Brittany - I'm not sitting next to Kevin. I don't care how hard he begs. (looks around) Why isn't he begging? Jodie - Um... (outside the bunkhouse) Kevin - Uh, Mr. D? Mr. O? (laughs nervously) Come out, everyone! (laughs nervous ly) Um, Q.B. in distress! (laughs nervously) (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts A Tree Grows in Lawndale Episode #403 Written by Peter Elwell (opening theme song) (at the Lawndale Mall) (Kevin and Brittany are exiting the Gimme Some Skin leather shop; Brittany is dr aped all over Kevin, as usual) Brittany - Kevvy, you look like such a rebel in your new jacket. Kevin - Thanks, babe. (the two begin making out right then and there; suddenly, Kevin spots Daria and Jane approaching) Kevin - Yo! Check this out. Jane - Is this what you Earth people call "necking?" Kevin - No, I mean check out the new Kevin. Daria - You'll note he didn't say "improved." Brittany - That's 'cause he's a rebel. Jane - Where's the bike? Kevin - Huh? Daria - That's a motorcycle jacket. It's made out of leather to protect you from scrapes when your head's bouncing off the grille of a truck.

Jane - If you're just wearing it for style then it's a waste of a perfectly good cow. Daria - You wouldn't wear shoulder pads if you didn't play football. Jane - Or would you? (Kevin suddenly looks distressed) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria is in the kitchen, reading the newspaper; Helen is on the phone with Rita ; the TV is showing Sick, Sad World somewhere) SSW Announcer - Is your cutlery holding an edge or going over one? "Diary of a m ad steak knife," tonight on Sick, Sad World. Helen - Honestly, Rita, I don't care if mother's paying for your new family room . Daria - Maybe she can get a new family to go with it. Helen - What? That was Daria. She's, uh, practicing for a school play. Daria - A salesman's got to dream, boy. (Jake enters the kitchen) Jake - Damn neighbor's dog got into the trash again! Now there's garbage all ove r the street! Next thing you know there'll be abandoned cars on the front lawns! Daria - I'll run out and pick up some cement blocks before they're all sold out. Helen - Jake, calm down. (into phone) Rita, I'll have to call you back. (pause) Yes, I will! (pause) Very, very soon. (hangs up) Jake - Helen, do you know what happens when property values collapse? Daria - Is it anything like when good pets go bad? Jake - What if we can't get a decent price when we sell this place? You think we 're going to move in with your sister? Daria - Or should I also pick up a copy of the Jonestown bartender's handbook? Helen - Oh...! (Jake pops open the soda, which sprays all over him) Jake - Yah...! Helen - Jake, you're being ridiculous. Nothing is going to affect the value of t his house short of an earthquake. Jake - We're on a fault line, too?! (at school) (Daria and Jane are standing outside)

Jane - Oh, look, the circus is coming to town. Daria - On what appears to be a very fast lawnmower. (the object of their conversation soon becomes apparent, as Kevin and Brittany a rrive on his new motorcycle) Kevin - Hey, Jane, Daria. Daria - Mean machine. Where's your Shriner's fez? Brittany - Don't we look like rebels? Jane - Oh, yeah, that cricket in your front teeth is very James Dean. Brittany - What?! Daria - Don't worry. It's dead. Brittany - Eww! I'm going to need new teeth! (starts picking at her teeth) Daria - I'm sure the guys in woodshop can come up with something. Jane - Before first period? Don't think so. (Mack, Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie arrive) Mack - You know, you aren't supposed to ride those things without a helmet. Kevin - Hey, I don't follow rules. I'm rebellent. Daria - Did he say repellent? Jane - Seems like he should have, doesn't it? (Upchuck arrives, followed shortly by several other students) Upchuck - Well, well... what do we have here? A babe magnet with a seat built fo r one. Hold on tight, luscious lady. (growls) Joey - Hey! Pop a wheelie. Jeffy - Yeah, yeah. Jamie - Yo, pop a wheelie. (other students start chanting "Wheelie! Wheelie!") Kevin - Uh... okay. (pulls away from the curb and heads down the street) Daria - Gee, this won't end badly. Jane - You know, we are the ones who told him to get a motorcycle. Daria - Hey, if we told him to jump off a bridge, would he do that? Jane - Dunno. We'll try that next time. (Kevin turns the motorcycle around and stops)

Kevin - Now, I know I saw that Paunch guy do this on CHiPs... (he then revs the engine and speeds down the street; when he swerves to avoid hi tting a car, he crashes into the Tommy Sherman Memorial Tree, then lands on the ground and clutches his leg) Kevin - My knee! (screams) Jane - Uh-oh, I think the wild one's got a boo-boo. (Kevin continues groaning) Jeffy - Hey, you broke the Tommy Sherman Memorial Tree. Joey - Good thing he's dead or he'd really let you have it. Jane - This is sort of like what happened at my fourth birthday party, only it i nvolved a tiny tricycle and a chimp. Daria - The difference being? (at the Thompson house) (Kevin and Brittany are sitting in his bedroom, which is decked out in all sorts of football paraphernalia; his knee is heavily bandaged) Brittany - Oh, Kevvy, I don't care if you squished the Tommy Sherman Memorial Tr ee. I still love you. Kevin - Tommy Sherman was the greatest Q.B. Lawndale ever had. I, too, was a qua rterback once. Now I'm just a... one-knee guy. Brittany - But your knee will heal. Kevin - When? Face it, Britt, you've got cheerleader-type active womanly needs. And look at me... look at me! Kissing me now would be like kissing one of those guys who wear old man pants and watch Touched By an Angel. Brittany - Kevvy, no! Kevin - Babe, it's gotta be this way. Brittany - No! It can be like before. Let me bring you a Gatorade. Kevin - No! Only sportsmen can drink sports drinks. (tosses Gatorade out the win dow) From now on, I drink Yoo-Hoo. Brittany - No...! (starts crying) (at school) (the usual students are in Mr. O'Neill's class, with the notable absence of Kevi n) Brittany - Then he said that his armpits would know only the embrace of his crut ches. Jodie - What does that mean? Brittany - I don't know, but it sounds bad. Like, Kevvy's armpits have feelings,

but not for me. Now what do I do with lips so empty, so yearning? Jodie - Lips? So, we're off the armpit thing? Daria - You know, if you break up Brittany's attempt at thought, it looks like a Mystik Spiral song. Jane - (grabs Daria's notepad) "Armpits have feelings, but not for me. Now what do I do with lips emp-ty?" Eh. Are you sure you don't want to replace "lips" wit h "skull?" Daria - It's a work in progress. Mr. O'Neill - Oh, what's this? Daria - Nothing. Mr. O'Neill - Please, Daria, any form of expression is cause for celebration. I see you've chosen to celebrate in the way of verse. Daria - The only thing here in the way of verse might be its complete lack of qu ality. Mr. O'Neill - You're being judgmental, Daria. And you know what they say: judge and you get mental. (picks up Daria's notepad) Daria - And you know what I say. Jane - Life sucks and then you die? Mr. O'Neill - This is so deep, but so sad. Daria, are you depressed? I mean, mor e than usual? Daria - Not me. (points in Brittany's direction) Mr. O'Neill - Brittany? Brittany - What? Um... here. Present? (in the hallway) (Kevin, with crutches but sans football uniform, is talking to Mack, who's rumma ging through his locker) Mack - Come on, man, it's just a sprained knee. You gotta play. The team needs y ou. Kevin - No, it doesn't. The only team that needs me is the one that sits all the time: the chess team. Mack - But you don't even know how to play chess. Kevin - Oh, yeah? King me, king me, king me! Mack - I'll talk to you when the painkillers wear off. (closes locker and walks away as Brittany runs up to Kevin) Brittany - Kevvy! Mr. O'Neill just gave me an "A" for a poem I didn't know I wro te and said I should get counseling for my troubled mind and it's all because of you, so we have to get back together or my mind will never untrouble itself.

Kevin - Babe, the only wide receivers I've got are my crutches here, and they on ly catch the sweat of my defeat. Brittany - But what about our eternal love that was supposed to last till gradua tion? Kevin - Could you really date a guy who isn't going to be in any yearbook team p ictures? Brittany - I... I... Oh, no! It really is over! (cries and walks away) Kevin - No team. No babe. I guess I'm, like, on my own. (starts hobbling away, then his crutches collapse under him and he crashes to th e floor with a "whoa!") (at school) (Daria and Jane are on the roof) Jane - Is it me, or does study hall go faster when you're somewhere else? Daria - Life goes faster when you're somewhere else. Jane - Aw, look... the Tommy Sherman Memorial Tree's still dead. Daria - I guess now we're going to have to plant something to memorialize it. (immediately below them, Brittany and her fellow cheerleaders are in the girls' bathroom) Brittany - Oh, Angie, I miss my Kevvy. Life just isn't the same without his big, brown eyes and spellbinding dimples. (Daria and Jane's voices suddenly come echoing down the ventilator shaft directl y above the bathroom) Jane - I'd rather remember the tree than remember Tommy Sherman. Daria - Hey, that's not nice. You wouldn't like that if you were Tommy Sherman. (all of the girls are now frightened out of their pom-poms) Jane - I wouldn't like anything if I were Tommy Sherman. If I were Tommy Sherman , I'd be dead. (the girls suddenly start screaming and running out of the bathroom) Brittany - Tommy's tree is dead and now he's back to haunt us! (at the school football field) (a game is in progress, one that is not going very well for the Lawndale Lions; Upchuck is in the announcer's booth) Upchuck - As the fourth quarter winds down and the score remains Oakwood 21, Lio ns zipparino, does your humble announcer dare to venture that the mighty Lawndal e "grr..." has turned into a plaintive "mew?"

(another play begins, with Mack subbing for Kevin as the Q.B.) Upchuck - Lawndale's replacement quarterback, "Mad Mack," has the ball, and it l ooks like he's going to pass it to... (the ball is snapped to Mack; a player is open down the field, waving his arms f rantically, but he doesn't throw it!) Upchuck - ...nobody! (the other team sacks him) Upchuck - Bad break, "Mad Mack." We felt that one in the box. Mack - Guys, I don't know what happened. Sorry. Brittany - (unenthusiastically) give me an "L". Cheerleaders - "L". Brittany - Give me an "A". Cheerleaders - "A". (in the stands, Sam and Chris griffin are there to do what they do best) Chris - Give me an S-U-X! Lawndale sucks. Ha! (also in the stands are Kevin, who cringes at the team's bad fortune, and Ms. Li , who's swearing about it) Ms. Li - This is no good. No good at all. (the game ends) Upchuck - And the Lions once more go down to defeat. Ms. Li - I've got to do something about all this losing. (at Cashman's Department Store) (the Fashion Club is shopping in the Junior Five section) Sandi - I just hope a new wardrobe is enough to take our minds off that abysmal game. Tiffany - Yeah... abysmal. Sandi - If this keeps up, we may have to hold an emergency meeting on the date-a bility of the football team. Stacy - Oh, no! Quinn - Look, isn't this adorable? It's so neck-slimming. I wonder if they have it in chartreuse. (sees a saleslady) Excuse me, miss? (the saleslady ignores Quinn and keeps on walking) Sandi - Where is everybody? I can't believe no one's even offered us fitting roo ms yet.

Tiffany - Yeah, it's like they want us to get shopper's cramp. (another saleslady approaches, and Quinn tries again) Quinn - Miss? Oh, miss? (this saleslady also ignores them) Stacy - Guys, something weird is going on. (they spot Theresa behind the counter, who gasps and tries to hide) Sandi - Come on. Let's get to the bottom of this. (walks to the sales counter) A hem... (Theresa reluctantly gets up from her hiding place) Sandi - Theresa, is there a labor stoppage we should be apprised of? No one's he lping us. Theresa - It's your football team. They're... well, losers. Quinn - What does that have to do with us? We don't play football. Theresa - You go to a loser school, and it's not good for Junior Five's image to have losers wearing our clothes. Stacy - But we're not losers! (Theresa ducks back down again as one of the other salesladies walks past the co unter) Theresa - Look, if you don't mind taking turns, I can give you fitting room eigh t. Quinn - The unpopular people's dressing room?! (at school) (Ms. Li is in her office, talking to an older-looking boy who's built like a loc omotive; she appears to be bringing in a ringer for the football team) Ms. Li - It says here on your transfer forms that you've been in high school for six years. "Ringer" - Yeah. I have trouble learning stuff when people make me mad. Ms. Li - But you don't seem to have trouble with the old pigskin, eh? (laugh-sno rts) Um, why was your season cut short last year? This says your offensive line had a quote, mishap, end quote. "Ringer" - They made me mad. Ms. Li - Ah! (chuckles nervously as the guy stares her down) (in the girls' bathroom) (the cheerleaders are all gathered together in a circle, burning incense -- arra nged around a football -- in order to exorcise the spirit of Tommy Sherman)

Brittany - Zippity do da, zippity ay, make Tommy's spirit go far, far away. (suddenly, the door bursts open to reveal Mr. DeMartino, the girls scream) Mr. DeMartino - All right, girls. Puffing party's over! Brittany - Oh, no! You ruined it! Now Tommy Sherman's ghost will never go away! Mr. DeMartino - Well, forgive me if I didn't see the sign on the door that said girls' exorcism room! (at the Morgendorffer house) (Quinn, Helen, and Daria are in the kitchen; Quinn is reading an almanac, Daria has the paper, and Helen is getting a cup of coffee) Quinn - And then Sandi said she didn't know if she could show her face anymore a nd is thinking about the witness protection program, although not if they make y ou dye your hair that brassy blond. Daria - That's just what Sammy "The Bull" Gravano said. Quinn - Hey, here's another good town we can move to. It says the schools have p roduced three pro quarterbacks. Daria - How many pro wrestlers? Helen - Quinn, I don't think you're considering the rest of the family. Quinn - I am. We live in a loser town now, and that can't be good at that job yo u go to. Only losers live in loser towns. Do you want your clients thinking you' re a loser? Helen - Hmm... (tires squealing) Helen - Oh, dear, your father's braking with his angry foot again. Quinn - If we moved to a popular town, he'd be happier. Helen - Quinn, we're not moving. Jake - That's it, we're moving! Look at this -- it say Lawndale High's football team is the worst in Lawndale history. It says Lawndale High is a school for los ers! Helen - Jake, that's the Lawndale Shopper. It's written by an 80-year-old man wh o, if you recall, had to be taken off his roof by the fire department because he thought he was being chased by screaming mice. Jake - That doesn't mean it isn't true. Quinn - Oh, Daddy, mice don't scream. Daria - Yeah, you're thinking of lobsters. Who's up for seafood? Jake - The value of our home... destroyed. Our life's investment... gone! Good-b ye, retirement. Good-bye, condo on the golf course. Helen, we're ruined! Don't y

ou see?! Helen - I see you shopped angry again. Now what are we going to do with five pou nds of... "Jay-Tees' Jellied Pork Shoulder?" Ecch... Jake - Don't look at me that way. It was that Lawndale Shopper guy. The store... this town... they all tricked me! Quinn - Which is why we have to move! (at Pizza King) (Daria and Jane are sitting in a booth, waiting for their pizza; each has a soda in hand) Daria - So my sister's scouting out new zip codes, my father's so mad he can onl y see the color red, and the other day, when my mother was paying bills, I caugh t her trying to smudge her return address labels. My home life's becoming intole rable. Jane - Becoming intolerable? Daria - Is there such a word as "intolerabler"? (one of the workers brings their pizza; it's none other than Artie, the UFO nut) Artie - Hot stuff. Hey, you look familiar. Daria - No, I don't. Artie - You go to Lawndale High, right? Jane - No. We're reform school gals looking for love in all the wrong places. Artie - That's good, because if you went to Lawndale you'd be losers. What a los er school. (laughs) Enjoy now! (laughs) (Artie leaves just as Tom arrives) Daria - Great. And just when I was feeling like a winner. Tom - I take it your quarterback is still wallowing in self-pity. Daria - I wish he'd try self-immolation. Jane - Sportboy needs a reason to feel good about himself, and there just aren't any. Daria - We could try sending him back to the third grade, where winning a pasteeating contest still counts for something. Tom - Actually, why not send him back to elementary school? Daria - Because he'd never meet the academic requirements. Tom - I mean as one of those safety lecturers. He could talk about how stupid he was to wipe out on his bike. The kids would probably rather listen to him than their teachers, so he'd have a captive audience and feel self-important again. Jane - So simple, and yet so perfect. Daria, why didn't we think of that?

Daria - 'Cause we're Lawndale losers who wallow in our own ignorance and filth. Who wants another slice? (Jane glances at Tom; both have bemused-yet-slightly-nauseated looks on their fa ces) (at school) (Mr. O'Neill is writing on the blackboard in his classroom when Daria and Jane w alk in) Daria - Mr. O'Neill? Mr. O'Neill - Oh! You startled me. I guess all that talk about ghosts and exorci sm has put me a little on edge. Jane - Hey, want to see me twist my head around and around and around? Daria - We want to talk to you about Kevin. Jane - We think it might pull him out of his slump if he became a safety lecture r. Tell kids how reckless behavior leads to injuries. Daria - They don't have to know he was brain-damaged before the accident. Mr. O'Neill - Hmm, turning a bad experience into something positive. Girls, I do believe we're on the same page. Daria - We are? Now I'm in a slump. (at Lincoln Elementary School) (kids are filing into the auditorium as Mr. O'Neill gives Kevin a pep talk) Mr. O'Neill - Kevin, the wisdom you impart to these impressionable young minds c ould have a profound effect upon their lives. Kevin - Cool! Mr. O'Neill - Remember: a man is never taller than when he helps the smallest ch ild. Kevin - (laughs) But what about when he's wearing cleats? Mr. O'Neill - Um, just go out there and try not to hurt yourself. (Kevin walks onto the stage and stands behind a podium) Kevin - My name is Kevin and I'm a... Kid - Louder! Kevin - (shouting) My name is Kevin and I used to be a rebel! (normal voice) But now I'm just a big fat loser. Everywhere I go, it's like, "Look at that loser." "Nice day, loser." "More chocolate milk, loser?" (scene shifts to another school auditorium) Kevin - But it wasn't always like this. Before my bike accident, I was the Q.B.

Chicks love that. Kid - Hot chicks? Kevin - Cheerleaders. (boys express their appreciation) Kevin - See, motorcycles are dangerous, especially when you fall off them. I'm o ne of the lucky ones. I could have fallen off the Grand Canyon and hit my head o n a rock or something. (scene shifts to yet another school auditorium) Kevin - Then I'd be one of those guys with their brains sticking out of their ey es and their guts all over the place. Kid - Cool! (scene shifts to still another school auditorium) Kevin - In collusion, motorcycles can wreck your life and make it so you can't p lay football. And that's not cool... safety's cool. Any questions? Kid #1 - Tell me about the cheerleaders! Kid #2 - I want to hear about the blood and guts again! (kids cheer and surround Kevin as his picture is taken) (at Lawndale High, Kevin is showing Mr. DeMartino's class his picture in the new spaper) Kevin - And that's how I've saved countless youth children as a walking safety d on't. And when kids are about to do something dangerous, they go, "Hey, I don't want to do this. I want to be like that cool safety guy." Brittany - He'd be such a wonderful father. Daria - Of a coconut. Kevin - Now, my crutches are like my best feature. Daria - Taking over the role formerly played by his car. Jane - Well, this plan backfired perfectly. Mr. DeMartino - Kevin, that report was peachy! Kevin - Thanks. Mr. DeMartino - Although what it has to do with the League of Nations, which was your assigned topic, I fail to understand! Kevin - Um... did everyone get to see my picture? (on the Lawndale High football field) (the team is practicing; Mack is sitting in the stands with Jodie)

Mack - This isn't working. The new guy, he's got some weird rules. Jodie - Weirder than sticking your butt in the air and making a football appear? Mack - It's called a hike. (on the field, the "Ringer" is lecturing Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie) "Ringer" - Now, I'm going to throw this. If you catch it, you get to kick me in the head. If you miss it, I'll kill you. (the Three J's express their alarm at the guy's attitude) "Ringer" - You think I'm kidding? Well, try me, punks! Now go out for a pass or I'll waste you right now. (the whistle blows, and the Three J's start running down the field) "Ringer" - Okay, that's good. (and the Three J's just keep right on a-runnin') "Ringer" - Hey, stop. Hey! You're not supposed to run across the street! (pause) Man, this happens everywhere I go. Nobody knows how to play football. (in the hallway) (Daria and Jane watch as Quinn walks past; she's hidden behind a pair of sunglas ses and an oversized scarf wrapped around her head) Jane - What's with Quinnie O? Daria - She's dressing incognito until she can persuade my mother to relocate us to Bermuda. Jane - You should really keep her away from open bottles of nail polish. Daria - Or scatter a lot more of them around. (Brittany approaches; she's holding a box) Brittany - Daria? Jane? Would you like to contribute to the Tommy Sherman Memori al Tree fund? We're hoping to get his ghost out of the girls' room. Jane - It takes a tree to get him out of the girls' room? Did he turn into a dog or something? Brittany - I don't think so. Daria - You know, if you can just get those crutches away from Kevin, you can pl ant one of them instead. That's sure to appease Tommy's restless bathroom spirit . Brittany - You're right! (leaves) Jane - You know you're going to hell. Daria - Anything that gets me out of Lawndale. (in the cafeteria)

(Kevin and Mack are seated at a table; Daria and Jane are at the next table over ) Kevin - See, by teaching the kids about safety, I'm giving something back to soc iety. I'm like a philanderest. Mack - Yeah, yeah. How about suiting up and giving something back to the team? T his new guy's got the receivers hiding in a dumpster. Kevin - But the kids... they look up to me, bro. Mack - Hey, we look up... we look at you, too. Now come on back, will you? (Brittany approaches; she looks down in the dumps) Brittany - Hi, Kevvy. Kevin - Hey. Brittany - Um, I was wondering, can I borrow one of your crutches? Please? Kevin - Can't spare it. I need it for my motivated speaking. Say, Britt, you kno w there's no law that says a motivated speaker can't have a babe. Brittany - But there is a law that says cheerleaders can only date football play ers, remember? Kevin - Darn! You know, that's recrimination. I mean, just because I don't wear a uniform doesn't mean I'm not the same guy. Brittany - Yes, it does. My Kevvy is a football leader of men. My Kevvy wouldn't let the whole team down. My Kevvy wouldn't let Lawndale become a loser town! (s tarts to leave) Kevin - Wait, babe, come back! Brittany - Forget it, Kevvy. You're on your own. You're a... a man on an island. Kevin - But, I don't want to be on an island. I get seasick. Besides, I need... the love. Brittany - Huh? Kevin - I mean, what's saving lives if there's no one to make out with? Daria - I believe Gandhi asked that same question. Jane - It's why he had to be eliminated. (after a moment's hesitation, Kevin lets his crutches fall away as the other stu dents cheer; one of the crutches lands on Mack's foot) Kevin - Britt, I realize that without you, I'm by myself. Your love has healed m e, babe. I'm... I'm cured! (Brittany runs into Kevin's arms) Brittany - Oh, Kevvy. I've missed you so much.

Kevin - Like, me, too, babe. Jane - Care to join me in the girls' room for a jolly puke? Daria - Sure... but not if that Tommy Sherman's in there. Jane - That Tommy Sherman. He ruins everything. (outside the school) (Daria and Jane walk up to the spot where the Tommy Sherman Memorial Tree once s tood... where Brittany has planted one of Kevin's crutches in the dirt) Brittany - Look, the new Tommy Sherman Memorial Tree. Jane - Lovely. Brittany - I wonder why it isn't blossoming? Daria - Did you take the little rubber thing off the bottom? Brittany - Oh! Jane - Oh, mmm, Daria? Maybe we should go inside before lightning strikes you de ad and bits of you mess up my nice shoes. (on the football field) (the crowd cheers to a more familiar sight: the Lawndale Lions stomping the visi ting team) Upchuck - And star quarterback Kevin Thompson scores again! (growls) Jake - Yes! Yes! Helen! Give me your phone. Cheerleaders - We're not losers! We're not losers! We're not losers! Lawndale ru les! Jane - Brittany worked all week writing that. Tom - It shows. The reiteration? Powerful. Daria - Like getting hit in the head repeatedly with a sock full of quarters. Upchuck - And here he is, the miracle man. Let's hear it for Kevin and his magic knee! (the crowd cheers as the team carries Kevin on their shoulders) Jake - (into phone) Yeah, I'll bet you didn't try to drive down property values. Well, Lawndale High's quarterback's fit as a fiddle and Lawndale's got a winner school and the best people are going to want to live here and they buy houses a t market value, no thanks to you, loser. Oh, yeah? Well, I want my mommy, too! H a! (hangs up) Helen - Do you feel better now that you've set the Lawndale Shopper man right? Jake - Actually, that was his six-year-old grandson, but I'm sure he'll give him the message.

(on the field, the team continues to carry Kevin; the crowd then groans, and the cheerleaders gasp, as the team accidentally drops Kevin and he falls to the gro und) Upchuck - Oh, no! Has the mighty Kevin Thompson injured his knee again? (suddenly, Kevin hops back up onto their shoulders, causing the crowd to cheer) Upchuck - Praise the Lord! He landed on his head! Daria - This is a day of miracles. (outside, the Tommy Sherman Memorial Crutch -- er, Tree -- suddenly sprouts a si ngle leaf) (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Murder, She Snored Episode #404 Written by Peggy Nicoll (Transcript created by Richard Lobinske) (opening theme song) (at Lawndale High, in Mr. DeMartino's classroom) (Mr. DeMartino is returning graded papers to students) Mr. DeMartino - I never thought I would say this, but the grades on these tests were miraculously above my low expectations. Jane - I like a teacher with no ambitions for his students. (Daria looks at her test; the score is 100) Daria - Yeah, high standards only give us something to strive for. (Brittany has a score of 66) Brittany - Yes! I passed and I got the extra point! (Mack has a score of 81; he rests his chin on his hand while the other football players loudly congratulate each other) Kevin - All right! Brittany - Kevvy? What's that "A" doing on your paper? Mr. DeMartino - Why, Brittany, that's the most intelligent question you've asked all year. Brittany - Thanks! Mr. DeMartino - Kevin? Kevin - I have an "A" because... I got a hundred?

Mr. DeMartino - That's right, Kevin. In fact, almost the entire football team, d espite repeated cranial trauma and a chronic inability to solve the maze on a ce real box, got a hundred. Brittany - Go, team, go! Mr. DeMartino - Only Mr. MacKenzie got a "B". Brittany (weakly) - Go, Mack, go. (Kevin and other football players cheer and celebrate more) Mr. DeMartino - Forgive me my suspicions, but it's obvious that someone -- Kevin -- got a hold of the test beforehand -- Kevin -- which would account for the ji mmied lock on my filing cabinet -- Kevin! Daria - But who does he really suspect? Jane - That Jimmy guy? Mr. DeMartino - Perhaps you would like to share with us your knowledge in this m atter? Kevin - But I don't know anything. Daria - Can't accuse him of lying there. Mr. DeMartino - I think you do know something about the incident, Kevin. I think that if you didn't steal the test yourself, then you know who did, and is it no t true that you needed an "A" to get off academic probation? Kevin - Nah, the coach said he'd fix my... I mean, hey, I studied! (Mr. DeMartino takes Kevin's test) Mr. DeMartino - Kevin, who were the principle players in the Teapot Dome scandal ? Kevin - The New Orleans Saints? Mr. DeMartino - Teapot Dome, Kevin, not Superdome! Kevin - Teapot... the New England Patriots! Daria - How many teams are there in the NFL? I want to know if this is going to run into lunch. (Mr. DeMartino leans over Kevin) Mr. DeMartino - Where were you Monday afternoon?! Kevin - Um, hanging out with the team? (football players agree with Kevin as the class bell rings) Mr. DeMartino - Before you run off to your next class for your naps, know that u nless the guilty party comes forth, everyone will receive an "F" on the test! Do I make myself clear?

(football players exit, still congratulating themselves) (in the hallway) (Daria and Jane are standing in front of Daria's locker) Jane - This sucks. The first time I get a 95, too. Daria - Funny, from here, it looks like an 84. Jane - I grade myself on a curve. (in front of Kevin's locker) Mack - Everyone knows you took that test, so would you just admit it so we all d on't fail? Brittany - Yeah! You know, if I get an "F," I'll be kicked off the cheerleading squad, because you need at least a 1.0 average to stay on, and then my chances o f becoming a pro cheerleader will be ruined, and that will give me a permanent h eadache! Kevin - So get one of those really big bottles of aspirin. Brittany - I mean, Kevvy, that I'll have a headache next time we're alone. Kevin - Oh! So, you want me to bring the aspirin? Brittany - Oooooh! Kevin - But, babe, I didn't steal the test! Mack - You just copied it word-for-word. Kevin - Fine, Mr. and Mrs. Jealous-baby! Now I know what it's like to be hated j ust because you're a brain! (Daria and Jane enter as Kevin runs off) Jane - Did you hear that? You're no longer the only brain in the school. Daria - Hmmm... I guess I'll have to kill him. (Ms. Li walks up behind Daria and Jane) Jane - Aw, don't kill him; you two can start a support group. Daria - Sorry, all my support groups have a one member limit. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Jake and Helen are seated in the living room, Jake with a martini and Helen wit h the telephone) Jake - Damn idiot prima donna crybaby clients. That's it, Helen! I'm changing ca reers! Helen - Mm-hmm, and they made that offer with a straight face? (Daria walks by behind them)

Jake - Hey, kiddo, how was your day? Daria - Fine. I heard a new voice inside my head and Kevin stole a test, so ever yone's getting an "F." Jake - That's great! Helen (holds hand over phone) - Daria, you were just kidding about the voice, ri ght? Daria - Relax... we don't have to answer that. Helen - Daria, if you need to talk, I... (Helen switches to phone while Daria goes upstairs) Helen - I know! It's a clear-cut case of neglect. (in Daria's room; she sits on her bed and starts television with remote) SSW Announcer - Can too many carrots make your head grow leaves? Uh, what's that , doc?! In one hour, on Sick, Sad World! (Daria lays down on her side and begins channel surfing) (TV screen of woman exercising) TV Announcer - With the Brains and Beauty Butt Buster, you too can have a rounde r... (channel switches to a cowboy on horseback playing guitar) Cowboy (singing) - We're gonna round up the posse, round up the posse... (channel changes to a rerun of a Charlie's Angels-style detective show from the 70's; two women with pistols at the ready are on either side of a door) Female Detective #1 - What are we going to do? Serena's inside the house with th at murderer. Female Detective #2 - We've got to save her before he finds out she's a private eye. (Daria lays her head on pillow and closes eyes) Murderer - What do you have to say for yourself now, detective? Serena - I knew the stolen microfilm had to be sewn into the bikini, but I didn' t count on falling in love with you. (Daria begins softly snoring, and the scene fades to one of Daria riding an olde r-style bicycle down a street, ala Angela Lansbury in Murder, She Wrote) (at Lawndale High) (Daria and Jane walk up to Daria's locker, which is now full-height instead of i ts usual half-height) Jane - I'm surprised Ms. Li hasn't made Kevin confess by now. You don't think sh

e's actually waiting for evidence? Daria - No, she just doesn't want him to admit anything until she's finished bui lding her new interrogation room. Jane - Hmm. Questioning a suspect is more fun with a cattle prod. Daria - What isn't? Anyway, half the class already wants to kill him. Jane - They're just saying that to get our hopes up. (Daria opens her locker and Kevin's body falls out; one hand holds a sandwich, a n arrow is protruding from his chest, and a golf club falls out and hits him on the head) Jane - Ouch. Daria - When did my locker get so big? (Jane grabs sandwich and sniffs) Jane - Cyanide. Daria - Must have come from the cafeteria. Jane - Remind me to send my compliments to the chef. (Brittany and Mack enter from opposite directions) Brittany - Wow, he doesn't look so good. (More students gather around) Jane - Dying can be harsh on a person's appearance. (Mr. DeMartino enters) Mack - Who would do such a thing... so thoroughly? Mr. DeMartino - If I may offer a small observation, it's a well-known fact that murderers frequently return to the scene of the crime to admire their handiwork. Jane - You're not suggesting that one of us did it? Mr. DeMartino - If the shoe fits, Ms. Lane. Brittany - Wow, this is just like Cinderella. Daria - Yes, and you've turned into two pumpkins. Brittany - Huh? (Ms. Li enters) Ms. Li - Save your breath, people. I think I know who's responsible for this hei nous crime. (close-ups of Brittany, Mack, Mr. DeMartino, Jane, and Daria) Ms. Li - Ms. Morgendorffer, it is my duty to inform you that you are the number

one suspect in the murder of Kevin Thompson. Daria - What?! Jane - It's always the quiet ones. (in Ms. Li's office) (Daria is hooked up to a polygraph machine, with Mr. O'Neill and Mr. DeMartino l ooking on) Ms. Li - Ms. Morgendorffer, just answer as truthfully as you can. (snickers, the n sotto voce) Yeah, right. Daria - Can't I just skip the investigation and go straight to solitary confinem ent? Ms. Li - Sorry. No one is going to deprive me of the opportunity to rifle throug h the personal property of individuals totally unconnected to this case. (claps hand over mouth) Oop! I mean, deprive you of your right to justice. Now, nail he r to the wall. (Ms. Li exits and closes door) Mr. O'Neill - Oh, dear. Mr. DeMartino - Well, well, well... Ms. Morgendorffer, where were you Monday aft ernoon! Daria - Hmm... after watching frustrated faculty members squander yet another da y trying to teach the unteachable, I went home and studied so I won't wind up in a job that combines the stress level of a neurosurgeon with the pay scale of a video clerk. Mr. DeMartino - Your transparent attempt to derail my line of questioning with s arcasm has been noted. Mr. O'Neill - What Mr. DeMartino is trying to say, Daria, is that a more positiv e attitude might make this informal rap session more pleasant for all of us. Wou ld you like a soda? Mr. DeMartino - Isn't it true that you were furious at Kevin for causing your "F " and the black mark on your permanent record? Mr. O'Neill - In other words, Daria, is it at all possible that perhaps you were just a teensy bit frustrated that a fellow student's alleged transgressions can celled out all of your hard work? Daria (to Mr. DeMartino) - Actually, I believe you gave me the "F." Mr. O'Neill - Cookies? They're chocolate chip. Mr. DeMartino - Quit avoiding the issue and admit it, Daria! You hated Kevin! Mr. O'Neill - What Mr. DeMartino is trying to say... (Mr. DeMartino walks to door) Mr. DeMartino - That's it!

(Mr. DeMartino walks to the door; upon opening it, Ms. Li is shown listening thr ough a stethoscope; she gasps and tries to hide it) Mr. DeMartino - I can't work with this amateur! He's screwing up my delivery! Do we have to do good cop, bad cop? Mr. O'Neill - Anthony, it sounds like you have issues about... (Mr. DeMartino grabs Mr. O'Neill and throws him through the door as Ms. Li steps aside) Mr. DeMartino - Out! Mr. O'Neill - Eep! (Mr. DeMartino closes the door) Mr. DeMartino - Now... about your hating Kevin. (Daria is disconnecting herself from the polygraph machine) Daria - Why would I hate Kevin? Just because he was destined to go pro and make millions of dollars endorsing his own line of odor-eaters? Because he had his wh ole life in front of him... Mr. DeMartino - Damn him. Daria - Because society rewards brain-dead athletes with cash prizes and RV deal erships while the most you can hope for is a car roof that doesn't leak when it rains? Mr. DeMartino - I should've wrapped my hands around his oafish young neck and... Daria, quit changing the subject. (Mr. O'Neill opens door, holding a can of soda) Mr. O'Neill - Mr. Pibb? Mr. DeMartino - Arggghhh! (Daria drives up to the Morgendorffer house in a small, beige-colored convertibl e, ala Peter Falk in Columbo) (in the living room, Jake is reading the newspaper and Helen is going through pa pers in her briefcase when Daria enters) Helen - Daria, how was school today? Daria - Well, let's see... no one talked to me at lunch, and I'm the number one suspect in the murder of Kevin Thompson. Jake - Good for you! Say, Daria, what would be an exciting new job for a youngis h, still vital self-starter who can bring a lot to the table? Daria - Waiter at Pizza Forest? Helen - Daria, you were just kidding about lunch, right? Damn! Where's that abst ract? Daria - Mom? I was wondering if you could give me some advice on the legal syste

m, or just teach me how to summon guards with a tin cup. Helen - Sure, honey, but right now I'm late for my meeting so it'll have to wait till I get back. Daria - Okay. If I'm not here, I'll be starring in the prison rodeo. Helen - Have fun! (exits) Daria - Great. Jake - Can I help, honey? Daria - Not unless you're a detective. Jake - Detective... oh, yeah! (Jake excitedly runs off) Daria - Oh, no. (at the Lane house) (Daria is seated on Jane's bed while Jane is mounting mug shots on a canvas set on the easel) Daria - And if I don't find out who killed Kevin, I'm watching Sick, Sad World i n the prison weight room. You try yelling "down in front" to someone with head s taples. Jane - Look, Daria, I'd like to help, but I've got another crime to solve. Daria - I sure hope Tom hasn't been kidnapped. Jane - Didn't I tell you? Trent's dead. Daria - What? Jane - Come on, I'll show you. (Jane and Daria enter Trent's room, revealing him to be laying face-down sideway s on the bed; Daria lifts his arm) Daria - Trent... Jane - I found him like this yesterday. I haven't had the heart to move him. (Jane picks up a prosthetic arm) Jane - I can't help but think that a one-armed man is somehow involved. I guess you two will never know what might have been. (Daria sadly sits next to Trent, who wakes up) Trent - Oh, hi, Daria. Just catching up on a little sleep before it gets dark. O h, hey, Janey, can I have my back scratcher? (Jane hands him the arm; Jake enters wearing a trench coat, gloves, and hat, ala Peter Sellers in The Pink Panther)

Jake - There you are, honey. Look! I'm a detective. I'm ready to solve your case . Jane - Enjoy prison. (Jake examines Daria with a magnifying glass) Jake - Sacre bleu! Your face! It's so big! What about me? Is my face big, too? Daria - I don't believe this. There's only one place left for me to turn, and it 's not pretty. (in an undisclosed house, Quinn, Sandi, and Stacy are dressed in 70's-style outf its; it's a perfect parody of Charlie's Angels, right down to the speaker on the desk) Upchuck (VO from speaker phone) - Angels, I've got some bad news. Star quarterba ck Kevin Thompson has been murdered! Stacy - Oh, no! But he was so cute. Quinn - How come they never kill the ugly people? Sandi - Or the people who wear sandals with socks? Upchuck (VO) - You tell me, Angels. You're the detectives. (laughs) Now, the chi ef suspect in the case has hired us to prove her innocence. A Ms. Daria Morgendo rffer. Quinn - Oh, no... Stacy - Eww. Upchuck, she's so... unpopular. Sandi - Hey, Quinn. Isn't she, like, your family's cabana girl? Quinn - Actually, she's our cabana girl's cou... our cabana girl's adopted cousi n. (nervous laugh) Upchuck (VO) - So, we'll accept the case? She's willing to pay up front... Quinn - Well, I could use a matching case for my gun. You know, with a pearl han dle and a built-in makeup mirror. Stacy - Yeah, and my holster is so pre-Glock. (Tiffany enters holding a stack of posters of herself; the poster imitates Farra h Fawcett-Majors' famous swimsuit poster) Tiffany - This is so wrong. My thighs are all bulgy. Sandi - Tiffany, dear, what are you doing here? Tiffany - I just thought I'd check and see if any of you is quitting to go into movies so I can be the new angel. Sandi - We're in, Upchuck. Upchuck (VO) - Good work, Angels. I knew I could count on you. (poolside, Andrea is massaging Upchuck's foot while he shuts off the speaker pho

ne; just as with John Forsythe in Charlie's Angels, we never actually see his fa ce) Upchuck - Feisty! (at Lawndale High) (police tape crosses the entire bank of lockers and the outline of Kevin's body is chalked on the floor in front of Daria's locker; "Upchuck's Angels" enter, wi th Daria and Jane following) Sandi - The first thing we should do is find out where the body was dumped. Daria - Well, not to jump to conclusions, but the crime scene tape might be a cl ue. Jane - Really? I was going to say the pool of blood. Quinn - Look, a chalk outline. Sandi - I wonder if it belongs to anybody. Tiffany - I hope not. It's so fat. Stacy - I know. Don't they have chalk outline workouts? Sandi - Tiffany! You're not even supposed to be here until Quinn leaves over cre ative differences. Quinn - What? Tiffany - Sorry. (Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie enter, running over the chalk outline) Jamie - Quinn, you want me to erase the chalk outline for you? Joey - No, me! Jeffy - Me! Joey - No, come on, man! (they start fighting, disrupting the chalk outline) Quinn - Guys, you're smudging it. (at the Lawndale Cemetery) (people have gathered for Kevin's viewing and funeral; in a parody of a scene fr om the Cary Grant/Audry Hepburn movie Charade, Joey walks up and sneezes over th e body before leaving, Jeffy holds a mirror next to Kevin's face to check for br eathing, and then looks at himself, and Jamie smiles and sticks a large pin into Kevin's chest; Brittany, wearing a black veil, whimpers, and he slinks away) (Mr. O'Neill stands by a podium, crying, when the cheerleaders, minus Brittany, enter) Cheerleaders - Two, four, six, eight. Kevin's on his final date. Go! Mr. O'Neill !

(cheerleaders run off) Mr. O'Neill - I'd like to say few words about the dearly departed. (starts cryin g again) Kevin was... (cries louder) Kevin! We hardly knew you. (Daria and Jane with mourners; Daria is dressed in a loud Hawaiian print shirt a nd Jane is in a khaki military field blouse, ala Tom Selleck and John Hillerman in Magnum, P.I.) Daria - Come on, let's go grill the merry widow. Brittany - I wish they'd get the funeral over with. This cemetery is kind of dep ressing. Jane - Maybe they should get rid of all the dead people. Brittany - Good idea, but they should bury them somewhere else, don't you think? Daria - Brittany, how were you and Kevin doing before his untimely death? Brittany - We weren't doing anything! I swear! Jane - A likely story. He was going to break up with you, wasn't he? Daria - Say, for another girl with bendable legs and a Malibu house? Brittany - Daria! Jane! I can't believe that you're trying to find out if Kevin' s available. I mean, hitting on a dead guy... that's really sick. (at the podium, Mack, Ms. Barch, and Jodie have joined Mr. O'Neill; Ms. Barch le ads him away) Mack - What can I say about Kevin? That he was, well, he was, um... he never mad e anyone feel stupid. Thank you very much. (Mack leaves podium and walks over to Daria, Jane and Brittany near the coffin) Daria - I couldn't have said it better myself. (Daria follows Mack walking away) Mack - Thanks. It's funny, but I still can't believe I'll never see Kevin again. (short laugh) Daria - It must've been tough being around Kevin day in, day out. What was that name he used to call you? Mack Mama, Mack Brother, Macarthur... (Mack turns, furious) Mack - Mack Daddy! Mack Daddy! I hated that name! Hated it, do you hear me? (Ms. Barch at podium) Ms. Barch - I would just like to say that I'm glad Kevin is dead. I wish all mal es were dead. Thank you, and go Lions. (Ms. Barch exits and Jodie goes to podium) Jodie - Lawndale High is proud to announce the establishment of the Kevin Thomps

on Memorial Foundation, which will oversee public service projects in the spirit of Kevin. Like, um, or, uh... so in conclusion, I'd like to announce the dissol ution of the foundation and remind everyone that the pep rally starts in one hou r. (crowd applauds) (on a crowded city street. Daria, dressed in a fur-lined western jacket and cowb oy hat, rides a horse through the traffic, ala Dennis Weaver in McCloud) (at Lawndale High) (Daria and Jane open Daria's locker) Daria - I can't help but think that there's something in here that Upchuck's Ang els overlooked. Jane - Wow, that's a stretch. Probably just some incriminating piece of evidence that Ms. Li will jump all over as proof of your guilt. (holding it with a pencil by trigger guard, Daria removes a pink pistol from her locker; a shadow falls over her as Ms. Li approaches with Jake and Helen, in po lice uniforms, standing behind her) Jane - Right on schedule. Ms. Li - Ms. Morgendorffer, you're under arrest for the murder of Kevin Thompson . Book her: murder one. (at Lawndale High) (in front of Daria's locker; Daria still holds the pink revolver on the end of a pencil) Daria - Dad? I thought you'd become a detective. Jake - I got deported. Lousy immigration officials! Helen - Jake! Would you please act like you're the law on these streets. (to Dar ia) Honey -- I mean you lousy, two-bit punk -- do you have anything to say in yo ur defense? Daria - No, except that Kevin died of everything except a gunshot wound. (Jake grabs revolver) Jake - Hey, can I see that cool gun?! I mean, I think I should examine the weapo n for clues. Jane - Guess you won't be dusting for fingerprints. Jake - Huh? Daria - Look, I don't mean to interfere with your rush to judgment, but if you g ive me ten minutes, I think I can prove who's responsible for Kevin's death. Ms. Li - Go on, Ms. Morgendorffer, but be quick about it. Daria - Round up the suspects.

Jane - Right, chief. I always wanted to say that. (Mr. O'Neill, Ms. Barch, Mr. DeMartino, Brittany, and Mack have joined the other s around the smudged chalk outline; Mr. O'Neill is crying) Ms. Barch - Buck up, Skinny. Mr. O'Neill - I just can't stop thinking about poor Kevin. Ms. Barch - Sure, you can. Yah! (Ms. Barch grabs Mr. O'Neill in a passionate embrace and drags him to the floor; Quinn, Stacy, Sandi and Tiffany, still dressed as Upchuck's Angels, walk by) Quinn - Daria, I can't believe you're still talking about this. Tiffany - Oh, yeah. Stacy - Yeah. Sandi - That is so yesterday. Daria - The reason I've gathered you all here is that one of you killed Kevin Th ompson, and no good deed should go unpunished. Brittany - Is this going to take long? Because with poor Kevvy gone, I need to f ind a date for Saturday. Mr. DeMartino - Maybe I should've been a video clerk. At least I would've gotten some free movies out of my lousy job! "Hello, sir. Will that be one night or tw o?" Ms. Li - Ms. Morgendorffer, get to the point. Daria - On the morning of Kevin's murder, I, by chance, coated my locker with an invisible, time-activated paint. Anyone who came in contact with that locker wi ll notice that their hands are turning a bright pink... (looks at watch) ...now. (Mack, Mr. DeMartino, Jane, and Brittany look at their hands) Brittany - See? Innocent. Jane - Me, too. Daria - Actually, I believe that you are all guilty. You see, I made up that sto ry about the paint, knowing that only the guilty parties would check their hands . Brittany - Huh? Jane - All right. I did it, but I had just cause. I worked all my life for that 84 and he just came and took it away, dammit. (flashback begins) (Jane opens a cabinet at her house) Jane (VO) - I was meeting Tom for lunch and didn't want to reek of gunpowder, so I decided to swipe Trent's cyanide. He and the band are saving it in case they don't make it by the time they're fifty.

(in the cafeteria, Kevin is at a table with several football players when Jane e nters and watches) Jane (VO) - I went to the cafeteria and waited for Kevin to perform his daily lu nch dance offering to the gods. (Kevin puts two straws up his nose and inhales milk; he stands and places one fi nger on each side of his head and dances around as milk drips from the straws) Kevin (snorts) - I'm a bull with a runny nose! Get it? Running Bull. (football players laugh and cheer) Jane (VO) - And then, I slipped the cyanide into his nutty-butter and banana san dwich. (Jane exits while Kevin continues to run around to the continued cheers of the f ootball players) (flashback ends) Jane - But that was it. I didn't strangle him or shoot him with an arrow or even club him. You've gotta believe me. I draw the line at physical exertion. Mack - Well... Jane - Wait a minute. I was nowhere near that locker. Daria - Too late. Jane - Damn! Mack - Oh, all right. So I might have hit him a little hard on the head with my club, but only because I wanted him dead. Brittany - Really? Me, too. (flashback begins) (Kevin, holding his throat, staggers down a hallway) Kevin - Uh, I told Mom no almonds. (he tries to open a locker near Daria's oversized one; he fails and leans agains t the bank of lockers; Brittany appears with a bow and arrow and Mack approaches with a golf club) Mack - Later. Kevin - Et tu, Mack Daddy? Mack - I told you to not to call me that! (he hits Kevin with club) Brittany - I hope this arrow thingy works. (she fires arrow; a thud and a groan are heard; Mr. DeMartino walks down the hal l)

Mr. DeMartino - A paperboy gets more respect than I do. Better Christmas present s, too. (Ms. Barch walks up to Kevin's body, kicks it, and she walks away) Ms. Barch - It's going to be a good day. (Mr. DeMartino walks up to the body) Mr. DeMartino - Your ridiculous portrayal of a corpse is an insult to widows and orphans and me! (he starts choking the body) Mr. DeMartino - Oh, yeah! This is really working for me. Mmm! Quinn (VO) - And then she said she doesn't even care if V-necks make her shoulde rs look slopey. (the Fashion Club enter at the end of the hall) Stacy - No?! (Mr. DeMartino stuffs Kevin's body into Daria's locker) Mr. DeMartino - We'll finish this later, Kevin. Don't go anywhere. (walks away, laughing maniacally) (flashback ends) Ms. Li - This is all very well and good, Ms. Morgendorffer, but I'm afraid it st ill doesn't explain the gun in your locker. Quinn - There's my antique water pistol. Excuse me, but I need this. The photogr apher is here to shoot my calendar. (Quinn takes pink pistol and exits) Ms. Li - What the heck! Let's execute her anyway! (Jake and Helen take Daria's arms and handcuff her) Helen - Sorry, sweetie. I mean, you low-life weasel. Jake - Yeah! Hope things work out for you in the beyond. Daria - Wait. Don't I get a say in this? (Jake and Helen lead her down hallway) Ms. Li - Too late. I already ordered the electric chair with your height specifi cations, and I'd be wasting valuable school funds if I didn't put it to good use . Jane - Don't worry, I'll take care of your bone collection. (bell rings, and changes to Daria's alarm going off; she wakes up in bed, still dressed and her hair mussed; the alarm shows 7:30 when she shuts it off; she sit s on bed and holds her head, while on the TV, an ad shows a man in a straightjac

ket being led away by police) TV Announcer - Can't get auto insurance because no one in their right mind will write you a policy? (at Lawndale High) (Daria and Jane are walking together down a hallway) Jane - Wow, that's some dream. It was nice of you to take the rap for killing Ke vin. Daria - You know -- good cause. (in Mr. DeMartino's classroom) Mr. DeMartino - Just as I predicted, the cowardly guilty party has refused to co me forward. However, I've decided not to automatically fail the rest of you, thi s time. Those with plummeting scores on this new test will be under great suspic ion, as will any individuals I just don't like. Daria - Doesn't that more or less cover everyone? (Kevin enters room with a fake arrow through his head, overacting very badly) Kevin - I'm dying! (fake coughs) Dying. (he laughs) Jane - Oh, look, Lord Olivier has arrived. (other students yell and throw papers, pencils and books at Kevin; he takes off the arrow) Kevin - Just kidding, guys. (laughs) Mr. DeMartino - Just kidding? (Mr. DeMartino starts choking Kevin) Kevin - Hey, Mr. D... that kind of hurts. Mr. DeMartino - Try winning the Heisemann Trophy without a throat! Daria - Maybe dreams do come true. Jane - It could happen to you. Kevin (VO) - Mr. D? (cough) You can stop now. (nervous laugh) Mr. D? (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts The F Word Episode #405 Written by Rachelle Romberg (Transcript created by Richard Lobinske and Daniel T. Dey) (opening theme song)

(Lawndale High School. There is a banner over the front door that says, "SCHOOL CLOSED THURSDAY and FRIDAY. STATEWIDE TEACHERS' CONVENTION" Cut to Convention Ce nter, where the marquee says, "WELCOME TEACHERS" Cut to inside the convention ce nter. There is a speaker behind a podium and in front of a portable blackboard t hat has FAILURE = GROWTH written on it. In the audience, only Mr. O'Neill is pay ing attention. Ms. Li's arms are folded in disgust, Mr. DeMartino is asleep, Mrs . Bennett yawns, Ms. DeFoe is knitting and Ms. Barch is asleep against Mr. O'Nei ll's shoulder) Professor Bentley - So why then are we constantly urging our students to win at all costs? We should be teaching them that failure is not the end of the world. In fact it's often a stepping stone to success. After his first attempts at flig ht failed, Wilbur Wright said that "not within a thousand years would man ever f ly." It took Thomas Edison more than two thousand experiments before he invented the light bulb. Failure is the signpost that points the way to success! Mr. O'Neill - Oh! (the other audience members stare at him in annoyance) (at Sea 'n' Beef, a restaurant near the convention center. Mr. O'Neill, Mr. DeMa rtino, Ms. Li and Ms. Barch are seated at a half-round booth) Mr. O'Neill - Professor Bentley was so inspiring. I can't believe how much I'm g etting out of this seminar. Mr. DeMartino - More than the $20 a meal per diem THE REST OF US ARE GETTING?! Ms. Li - No, no, no no. We're all getting the same amount. And I think the $50.. .uh $20 that I'm,.. uh, we're getting is pretty generous. Damn! Mr. O'Neill - I was especially intrigued by his notion of planting the seeds of tomorrow in the students of today. Ms. Barch - If he tried that around any of my students, they'd be the last damn seeds he ever planted! (Ms. Barch punctuates her statement by methodically crushing a lobster claw with a plier-like tool while Ms. Li holds up a hand to fend off the shrapnel) Ms. Li - Ms. Barch. Please relax and enjoy your surf and turf. (Mr. O'Neill nervously laughs) Ms. Barch - Freakin' surf and turf. (at the Hoprite Inn Motel. Mr. O'Neill and Mr. DeMartino are sharing a room) (Mr. O'Neill reads from a book entitled, "Affirmations for Nighttime") Mr. O'Neill - I will wake up refreshed and ready to meet life's challenges. I wi ll wake up... (Mr. DeMartino turns off the light. Mr. O'Neill sets the book down and turns on a sound generator of splashing water. Mr. DeMartino puts a pillow over his head) Mr. O'Neill - What if there's a Thomas Edison in my class just waiting to be nur tured and encouraged?

Mr. DeMartino (pulls pillow away and his eye is bulging) - Ahh! Mr. O'Neill - Eep! (pause) Well, good night, Anthony. (Mr. DeMartino begins to snore) Mr. O'Neill - Umm, okay. (Knock on door. Mr. O'Neill goes to answer it, finding Ms. Barch in a black negl igee waiting outside) Ms. Barch - Come on, Skinny. I picked the lock to the housekeeping closet and we 've only got four hours until the maids arrive for work. Mr. O'Neill - Janet, I really think we should be more discrete... (Ms. Barch grabs Mr. O'Neill and drags him out of the room) Ms. Barch - Yah! Mr. O'Neill - Four hours? (LHS, Mr. O'Neill's classroom) Mr. O'Neill - So class, your assignment is to pick something you know you'll fai l at. To prove that failing isn't the end of the world. Daria - There goes my motivation. Jane - Relax. At least he's not making us guess people's identities by feeling t heir hands. Daria - Again? Mr. O'Neill - Brittany, what is something you're sure you'd fail at? Brittany - Umm, I don't think I could ever be unpopular. Mr. O'Neill - Excellent! Brittany - I'm...right? Daria - It gets easier after the first time. Mr. O'Neill - Brittany, you will fail at becoming unpopular. Brittany - Then I've already passed. Mr. O'Neill (weak laugh) - We'll talk later. Who else wants to pick what they ar e going to fail at? Kevin, what about you? Kevin - Me? I'm the QB Mr. O'Neill - So...you're saying you'd fail at being a bad athlete? Good. Very g ood. Jodie? Jodie - My parents make me spend my entire summer doing volunteer work that'll l ook good on my college application. I'd never be able to get the summer off. Mr. O'Neill - Perfect. Mack?

Mack - I could try teaching Kevin the three branches of American government. Kevin - Aw, come on. I know that one. Republican, umm...Dominican and Aristocat! Mr. O'Neill - That's very good, Mack. Kevin - Hey! I'm the one who gave the answer! Mr. O'Neill - Now the rest of you, please. Pick something to fail at; so you can put it to the test. Kevin - We're having a test, too? Jane - So, what are you going to fail at? Giving a damn? Daria - I could fail to see the merit of this assignment. Jane - Or succeed in finding it a waste of time. (LHS corridor) Jane - Maybe you should try failing at not being sarcastic. Daria (sarcastic) - Yeah, that's a good idea. (The Fashion Club quickly approaches Daria and Jane from behind) Stacy - Sandi, how long till the Teen Fashion Extravaganza opens at the mall? Sandi - Five days, two hours, and twenty-three minutes. God, Stacy. Why don't yo u get a new watch -- one without a little cartoon loser pointing at the time? (Stacy covers watch) Quinn - I can't wait for the extravaganza. The come-buy-me smell of new clothes, the flashing lights of the fashion show, the crisp sound of tissue paper as it' s wrapped around an Alpaca sweater with a matching silk tee. Stacy - Stop it, Quinn. You're making my head spin. Tiffany - My mouth...it's watering. (Daria and Jane stop at Jane's locker) Daria - I just picked what I'm gonna fail at -- getting Quinn grounded so she ca n't go to that thing. Jane - Excellent. Daria - This way, if I blow the assignment and Quinn is grounded, I still win. Jane - Okay. Now you've got to help me pick something to fail at. Something real ly impressive that doesn't require any effort of any kind. Daria - How about performing brain surgery on Kevin? Jane - I said, no effort. Finding that brain could take weeks. Daria - Then, umm...how about being conventional? Looking and acting like everyb

ody else. It'll take you no time to fail at that. Jane - What are you saying; I'm some kind of freak of nature? Daria - Define, "of nature." (the Fashion Club walks past them, going the opposite direction) Stacy - How much longer now, Sandi? Sandi - Five days, two hours, and twenty-two minutes. Stacy - Um, you forgot to say the seconds. Sandi - Staa-cy! (Lane house, Jane's bedroom. Daria is seated in chair and Jane is not in view) Daria - Next, we have reason number 17; Endangering a minor. The Teen Fashion Ex travaganza reinforces the false notion that all you need to survive is a credit card and a pair of ankle boots. This misapprehension could prove fatal should Qu inn ever find herself stranded in the wild. Jane (VO) - Although, not if she's stranded in the Wild Pair. Daria - You know I'm gonna fail at this. They'll say Quinn has to learn by makin g her own mistakes...outside the house. Freeing up the phone for my mother's cav alcade of obsessive business calls. Jane (VO) - Why, oh why can't she just have a substance abuse problem like a nor mal mom? Daria - I'm gonna head home. I wanna see if they delivered my hydrocephalic skul l replica. Jane (VO) - Wait. It's time for the moment of truth. (Jane steps out of her closet with her hair up in a bun and wearing a light-blue mini-skirt, a red sleeveless top with a bare midriff, and a pair of clunky sand als) Jane (valley girl voice) - So, like do I look conventional, or whatever? Daria - Ahhh! (LHS corridor. Daria is at her locker when Brittany walks up) Brittany - Hey, Daria, you know that assignment for Mr. O'Neill's class where I' m supposed to be unpopular? Well, I though you'd be the perfect person to ask fo r help, since you're so, umm...smart. Daria - Uh-huh. Brittany - So do you have any suggestions, since you know so much about...you kn ow...stuff? Daria - Hmm. Try talking about global concerns. Like the worldwide proliferation of biological weapons. Or how people in Afghanistan are being stoned to death f or wearing the wrong attire.

(Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany walk by) Sandi - You hear that Stacy? Brittany - Daria, you're making me sad. Nobody wants to hear that stuff. No wond er you're so... Daria - Smart? (Landon house. Andrew is seated at a computer and Michelle is seated in an overs tuffed chair, reading a paper when Jodie enters the den) Jodie - Mom, Dad, could I talk to you for a minute? Andrew - Mmm. Michelle - Uh, huh. Jodie - I've worked hard this year, and I really need a break. So I was thinking that instead of taking college prep classes, volunteering at the hospice, and b eing a camp counselor for special needs kids, I could take it easy. Maybe even g o to the beach. Andrew Landon - Hmm. That workload doesn't sound very realistic. Michele Landon - She forgot the 20-hour-a-week internship at the congressman's o ffice. Andrew Landon - Oh yeah. Nope. Michele Landon - Out of the question. Jodie - Assignment completed (Jodie sadly exits) (Lane house, Jane, dressed conventionally, lies on her bed, watching television, which shows honey being stirred into a cup of tea) SSW Announcer - What's that you're really stirring in your tea? Honey, or bee vo mit? Animal secretions that make us say yum! Tonight, on Sick, Sad World. Trent - Hey, Janey. Listen to this. "Since I've left your womb, I've spent life in a...tomb." Does that work? Jane - I guess as uterine testimonials go, it's not bad. (Jane stands up, shocking Trent by her clothes) Trent - Whoa. What happened to you? Jane - Like don't you know fashion when you see it? Trent - Umm...? Jane - There's this assignment for school where we had to pick something we know we'd fail at, so I picked being conventional. Trent - Oh. What?

Jane - I'm succeeding at failing. Trent - "Succeeding to fail. I'm on the third rail." Nope. I still don't get it. (Lane living room and Trent answers the doorbell to find Tom outside) Tom - Yo. Trent - Hey Tom. Um...don't abandon her now, man. She needs you. Tom - Why would I abandon.... (Jane comes down the stairs) Trent - She needs you. (Trent exits) Jane - Hey, fly boy. Tom - Is that a teddy-bear backpack? Jane - Uh, huh. Do you wanna test out my new lip-gloss? It's kiwi flavored. Tom - Well I guess if I kissed you, at least my eyes would be closed. (Thompson house, Kevin's bedroom. The floor looks like a football field and ther e are football-related items all over the room. Mack and Kevin are seated at a t able) Mack - Now having three branches of government allows for a system of checks and balances... Kevin - My dad had the wheels balanced on his El Camino yesterday. He wrote a ch eck. Hey, when are we gonna get to the good stuff? I wanna know how they taught those Aristocats to play the piano. (Mack buries his face in one hand) (LHS Football game. The cheerleaders are seated on a bench near the sideline) Nikki - Isn't it really, really great when our teachers come out like this to su pport the team? God, I hope they don't talk to us. (In the crowd, Mr. O'Neill waves a banner while Mrs. Barch suggestively rubs her knee against his. Brittany notices him watching) Brittany - Oh my gosh! That reminds me. (She reads note written on her palm) Hey , um, did you know that, umm, there are more bio-rhythmical weapons than ever in the rain forests of Afghanistan and they blow up if you wear the wrong clothes? (Lisa and Angie turn away from her) Lisa - Eww. Angie - Gross! Lisa - Gee, Brit. You're really acting icky today. Mr. O'Neill - Gosh, Anthony, this is marvelous. It's nice to see our students so

enthusiastic and excited. Mr. DeMartino - You mean, instead of the way we usually see them, wishing FERVEN TLY for our DEATHS! Mr. O'Neill (nervous laugh, then waves) - Oh, look, Kevin. (shouts) Hello, Kevin . (Kevin is in place behind the offensive line, ready for a hike) Kevin - Uh-oh. He came to make sure I was doing my homework. Ahh. Okay. Hike! (play starts and Kevin drops back for a pass. A large defensive player follows h im and Kevin hands him the ball) Kevin - Here you go. (the defensive player runs Kevin over. The crowd boos and Mack rushes to Kevin) Mack - What the hell did you do that for? Kevin - He's checking up on me, bro. (cheerleaders bench) Angie - Brittany, your boyfriend just threw an interception on purpose. Brittany - Well, um, that nothing compared to the working conditions for the lab orers in the unexploded diamond mines. Angie - What? Lisa - You know what I think's wrong with Kevin? I think all you're yucky storie s got to him. (Brittany whimpers as the rest of the cheerleaders get up and move away) (pizza place. Angie, Nikki, and one more cheerleader are seated at a booth) Angie - I feel bad about Brittany. It's like she's lost her way. Nikki - She does that all the time. Angie - No, I mean like she's forgotten who she is. Nikki - Like I said... Lisa - This is a bad time for her to be acting weird. I mean with Kevin playing so sucky and everything. Angie - Oh, no. Lisa. Lisa - Yes Angie. Let's be honest -- Maybe it's time for some new faces on the c heerleading squad. Nikki - But I don't wanna get a new face. Lisa - Fresh new faces, fresh new attitude. (Jane walks by with a slice and a drink to sit at the next booth. The cheerleade

rs notice her and whisper among themselves. Lisa looks over the back of the boot h) Lisa - Hi, are you new in school? I'm Lisa. (Angie and Nikki look over also) Thi s is Angie and Nikki. Nikki - We were just wondering. Have you ever done any cheerleading? Jane - Cheerleading? (Jane looks shocked) (Morgendorffer kitchen, Jake is seated at the table sorting bills, Helen is on t he cordless phone and Daria enters from the living room) Helen - Eric, I wonder if we could finish this at the office tomorrow. My daught er just came home from school and I want to catch up with her. Thanks. (She hang s up and begins dialing the phone) Daria, perfect timing. I think I can still ca tch our broker. Daria - I enjoyed our time together. Jake - What's this $230 at Cici's Boutique? And $50 at the Doo-Dad Store?! Daria - That reminds me -- If you see Quinn, tell her Cashman's called. They sai d it's Cashman's Cashmereacle week and they have all kinds of creative new finan cing options they want to tell her about. Jake - Cashmereacle?!! Did you hear that, Helen?! Daria - Look on the bright side -- she can't possibly get to Cashman's before Mo nday, since she'll be at the Teen Fashion Extravaganza this weekend. Jake - Extravaganza? What extravaganza? Daria -Oh, it's nothing. Just the spending event of the season for the under-twe nty set. Jake - Good God! Helen! Helen - Jake, calm down! Jake - Maybe she hasn't heard about it yet. I could unplug the TV. Black out the windows. (slyly) Where's Quinn right now? Daria - At the Teen Fashion Extravaganza Preferred Customer Preview. Why do you ask? Jake - Gahhhh! That's it, Daria! Quinn's grounded! (Daria faintly smiles) Helen - Jake, we can't punish Quinn when she hasn't done anything wrong. Jake - Why not? Daria - Yeah. They do it all the time in Afghanistan. Helen - I'll tell you what, Daria. Since you're so concerned about Quinn's spend ing, why don't you go with her Saturday to help her keep it under control?

Daria - But now I'm being punished when I haven't done anything wrong. Helen - Nonsense. Consider it a way to pay off this bill from...the Anatomical A bnormalities Catalog. Daria - Damn hydrocephalic skull replicas. Jake - Eww! (LHS, O'Neill's class. Daria and Jane enter to see the entire class depressed an d miserable. Among the students, Brittany loudly sobs and whimpers) Daria - Let me guess. A teen movie star choked on his gum. Jane - That, or the cafeteria ran out of bendy straws again. (Mr. O'Neill enters) Mr. O'Neill - Good morning everyone. I'm excited to hear how your assignments tu rned out. Who'd like to start? Brittany? Brittany (sobbing) - No. Mr. O'Neill - Okay, then, uh...Jodie? Jodie - I failed to convince my mother and father to let me have the summer off. Mr. O'Neill - Excellent. And see, you learned that failure isn't so bad now, is it? Jodie - No, I learned that my parents would rather I drop dead from exhaustion t han miss the opportunity to shred some bribe-taking congressman's incriminating phone bills. Daria - At least she'll be learning a marketable skill. Mr. O'Neill - Um, How about you, Kevin? Kevin - I'm a crappy athlete. They threw me off the team. Mr. O'Neill - So you...succeeded at your assignment. Kevin - Succeeded? I lost the game! Jane - Good thing he has that physics scholarship to fall back on. Mr. O'Neill - Oh dear. Well I think you're all winners. Those of you who failed, succeeded in completing the assignment. And because those of you who unexpected ly succeeded, failed the assignment, you also succeeded in failing. Isn't that g reat? Kevin - Hey, I'm not just a loser, I'm dating a loser. (Brittany sobs loudly, and the bell rings) Mr. O'Neill - Now class, Remember; life's made up of peaks and valleys. And just because you're temporarily caught in a valley... um...Class? (after the class empties, Mr. O'Neill begins crying)

(LHS corridor) Daria - You must be glad the assignment's over. Now you can wash off the body gl itter. Jane - Nah. I think I'm gonna stay conventional. Daria - What? Jane - Why kid myself? It was easy to fit in, too easy. Maybe I really am one of them. Daria - Don't be ridiculous. Jane - They want me for the squad. Daria - I hope you mean the kind where you get a blindfold. Jane - No, the kind that leads cheers. And I'm gonna try out. Daria - Have you lost your mind? (Daria closes locker and they begin to walk) Jane - I have to face my demons, Daria. Maybe I'm not really an artist. Maybe th ose insipid pom-pom wavers know me better than I know myself. If I'm really mean t to cheer, then so be it. I'll hang up my easel, and devote my life to providin g pep. Daria - What's happened to you? Jane - Complete loss of confidence. Oh and by the way, since this was your idea, I blame you. Daria - Sorry about that. But at least you know I'm being amply punished, spendi ng my weekend researching faux-fur sweaters. Jane - It's a small consultation, but I'll take it. (pizza place) Brittany - Oh, Kevie, my life is over. Kevin - Mine too, babe. I'm the QB, no more. Brittany - That's right. Oh no! I have to break up with you, because you're not popular enough to go out with anymore. Kevin - Uh, babe you're not popular either. Brittany - You mean, we can keep going out? Kevin - Yeah. Brittany - Babe! Kevin - Babe! (Brittany starts crying again)

Brittany - Oh, Kevie! (sob) ...be together... (sob) ...popular. (Jodie and Mack sit at the booth with them) Mack - Look man. I know you were just doing your assignment. I can't make any pr omises, but I'll try to set things straight with the team. Kevin - Thanks, Bro. Jodie - Brittany, I'm heading to the pep rally after school today. I'll try to e xplain things to the cheerleaders before it starts. (Brittany sobs incoherently in response) Jodie - You're welcome. (LHS, boys' locker room. Kevin sits alone on a bench while the football team con fers with Mack) Mack - Kevin, the guys and I think you should have your uniform back. Kevin - Thanks. I'll wear it at home when I watch the game on TV. (Jamie gives Kevin his s helmet and his jersey, but Kevin still gets up to walk away) Jamie - No, we mean you're back on the team. Kevin - I am? (Kevin jumps with joy) Cool! Jeffy - Just don't mess up again Joey - Don't mess it up, Man. Kevin - Thanks, Mack-Daddy. Mack - Why do I think I just succeeded at failing? (LHS gymnasium and students are hanging banners as the cheerleader squad holds t ryouts. Angie is demonstrating a cheer) Angie - Rah, rah, rah! Go-o-o, team! (she heads over to Jane) Okay, now it's you r turn. Give it everything you've got. (Jane, in cheerleader uniform, takes up a position in front of the other cheerle aders, one pom-pom held high. The scene shifts to Jane's fantasy about being a c heerleader. The squad is in a pyramid formation with Jane at the top) Jane & Cheerleaders - Rah, rah, rah!! We're gonna beat YA!! (Tom and Daria in the bleachers, dressed as though at a funeral and looking sad. Cut to Kevin walking up to Jane) Kevin - Way to go, babe. Jane - Thanks, babe. (They join in a very stylized embrace and kiss. The fantasy ends and Jane looks shaken)

Lisa - Why is she just standing there? Nicky - She must have stage fright. (Jane drops her pose and holds one pom-pom halfway up, shaking it without enthus iasm) Jane (deadpan) - Cheer, cheer, cheer. Yell, yell, yell. Who cares who wins? We'r e all going to hell. (Cheerleaders gasp in horror and hide behind their pom-poms) Jane - If my peppy doesn't work for you, I can always try my perky. Cheerleaders - No, no. That's okay. No. (Jane walks away past Brittany) Brittany - Woo-woo-woo! Yeah! Lisa - Great. Now what're we gonna do? (Jodie sits down next to the cheerleaders) Jodie - You could let Brittany back on the squad. Angie - But she's always talking about the starving referees, and stuff. Jodie - That was only for a class assignment. Come on, look at her. Is that the face of a thinker? (Brittany watches them intently and twirls her hair. The cheerleaders confer amo ng themselves and wave Brittany over. She smiles widely and runs to join them) Cheerleaders - Go, Cheerleaders! (they jump and shout together) (Lane house. Jane, dressed normally, answers the door for Daria) Daria - Okay, where's your evil twin? Jane - The aliens finished their experiments and let me return in her place. Daria - How was the probe? Jane - Less intrusive, this time. (LHS, O'Neill's classroom) Brittany - Babe, you wouldn't believe the cheerleader who auditioned yesterday. She got scared and lost all her bouncity-bounce. (Daria and Jane enter) Daria - You had bouncity-bounce? Jane - Drop it, or I'll have to kill you.

Daria - I'm taking Quinn to the Fashion Extravaganza tomorrow. What makes you th ink I don't want you to kill me? (Mr. O'Neill enters the room, very timid and depressed) Mr. O'Neill - Hello, class. Um today we're going to do...not do anything. Why bo ther? Who knows what damage I might do this time? I just want to say that... (he briefly cries) I'm a failure as a teacher, as a mentor, nay, as a human being. Don't waste another minute listening to my misguided drivel, for I realize now, that my only talent lies in leading youth astray. Please, go. (the class sits in stunned silence) Kevin - Alright! (pizza place) Daria - And when I went to get my notebook, Mr. O'Neill was slumped over his des k, sobbing uncontrollably into his sweater-belt. Jane - Wow. If we were a different sort of young people, we might feel obligated to do something about this. Daria - Fortunately, we don't have any motivation. Jane - You do. Daria - Huh? (Mr. O'Neill's apartment complex. Daria and Jane look up his name on the front d irectory and then walk inside to reach his apartment) Daria - I can't believe we're doing this. And aren't teacher's addresses confide ntial? Jane - Not when you've got the web. (pause) Actually I just looked in the phone book, but "the web" sounds so cool. (Jane knocks on door. Mr. O'Neill, wearing blue pajamas and an dark orange towel around his shoulders, answers the door. He's holding a cup of hot tea) Daria - Um, hi, Mr. O'Neill. Mr. O'Neill - Daria? Jane? (he lets the girls in. The apartment is a testament to new-age feel good decor. Jane tries to walk away, but Daria grabs her by the shoulder) Mr. O'Neill - Would you girls like some Saint John's Wart tea? A gem tincture? Jane - I can't. I'm driving. Daria - Um, we came by because we were a little concerned. Jane - Very concerned. Daria - We know you feel responsible because some of your students, or more spec ifically all of your students, got depressed over the assignment. Mr. O'Neill (sobbing) - I'm a failure!

Daria - But, your intentions were good, and no one got hurt. Jane - You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. That's what Ms. Li's for. Mr. O'Neill - Oh, girls, I appreciate your concern. But the fact that you had to come here at all makes me feel like even more of... (quick sob) ...a failure. (Mr. O'Neill continues crying) Daria - Look, you set yourself a task and you failed at it. That's what you aske d us to do, remember? Now finish the assignment. Accept that failing is okay. Jane - Yeah, by failing, you've succeeded. Mr. O'Neill (frustrated) - What kind of psycho-babbly mumbo-jumbo is that? (paus es in shock) Oh, my gosh. Jane, I'm so sorry. Jane - For what? Mr. O'Neill - You mean, you girls' self-esteem isn't permanently scarred by my h orrible assignment? Daria - No, not by that. Mr. O'Neill - The students teach the teacher. (he tosses towel off) Daria, Jane, you should consider careers in motivational speaking. Jane - Only if I don't have to do anything. (Mr. O'Neill opens the room curtains) Mr. O'Neill - You've brought the sun back into my life. How can I ever repay you ? Daria - Well, now that you've mentioned it. (Lawndale Mall. Quinn, embarrassed, is followed by Mr. O'Neill) Quinn - Do you have to walk so close to me? And in those shoes? Mr. O'Neill - Now, Quinn, you know it's my job to monitor your spending today. L et's make it an adventure in moderation. Quinn - Ugh. (the rest of the Fashion Club is following Mr. O'Neill) Sandi - I can't believe Quinn tried to pass Mr. O'Neill off as a professional fa shion consultant. Tiffany - Yeah. What was she thinking? Stacy - Poor Quinn. It must be so humiliating to be seen in a mall with your tea cher in front of all of your friends. Sandi - I know. Come on. We don't want to lose them. (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts I Loathe a Parade Episode #406 Written by Dan Vebber (opening theme song) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria is watching television in the living room) SSW Announcer - Can you teach an old dog to turn tricks? Ruff! Canine call girls , next on Sick, Sad World. (Quinn enters living room) Quinn - Daria, have you seen my new Teenage Superstars magazine? Daria - I couldn't help myself. I've plastered my walls with its hot, sexy pinup s. Quinn - I'll ask Mom. (Quinn walks towards kitchen as Helen enters living room) Helen - Daria, have you seen your father? Daria - Did you look under the Teenage Superstars magazine? Helen - I'll ask Quinn. (Helen heads into the kitchen; moments later, both she and Quinn walk past Daria ; both are talking at once) Quinn - ...need some money for new clothes for the standardized testing 'cause I hate filling in those little circles... Helen - ...wasting time reading junk when you could be enjoying a good book. Now , did you see your father? When was the last time you saw him?... (the door closes behind them, leaving Daria alone at last... until Jake's voice calls out) Jake (O.S.) - Hello? Anybody? Please? (Daria heads upstairs, and stops outside the upstairs bathroom) Jake (O.S.) - Is anybody out there? Am I the only one left in the house? Daria - If I help you with the first question, will you try to do the second one on your own? Jake (O.S.) - Daria! Thank God! Your mother's at her work thing and Quinn's at h er school thing and... I thought I'd be stuck in here forever. Daria - Okay, listen closely. There's a knob on the door. Turn it counterclockwi se.

Jake (O.S.) - We're all out of toilet paper, kiddo! Would you believe it? Daria - Oh. Well, I'll go grab some from downstairs. Jake (O.S.) - There isn't any downstairs. That's why I ran up here. Damn heart-s mart chili! Daria - I see. Walking away now with too much information. Jake (O.S.) - Kiddo, could you hurry over to Drugs N' Stuff and pick up a few ro lls? Daria - I get stuck on the hurry part. Jake (O.S.) - Damn it. How in hell would Helen handle this? How in hell would He len... hey, I bet that's one of those backwards-and-forward things! No, I guess not. Daria - I can hear you, you know. And she'd offer me a bribe. Jake (O.S.) - Yeah! If you can make it back in 15 minutes, I'll give you five bu cks. Daria - A decent bribe. Jake (O.S.) - Twenty! Daria - You're on. See you in a few minutes. (leaves) Jake (O.S.) - Hurry, kiddo! This Teenage Superstars magazine is only 64 pages! (at Drugs N' Stuff) (Daria is standing in line, holding a package of toilet paper) Daria (thinking) - Ten minutes. I'll never make it home in time to get that 20. Of course, I could always turn back all the clocks in the house, but how will I get to his wristwatch? I wonder if they sell chloroform here. Woman - Next. Can I help you, dear? Daria - No, I just came to enjoy your reenactment of the fall of Saigon. Woman - You mean the crowd? Well, what do you expect on homecoming night? Daria - Homecoming night? Woman - Everyone in town is lining up to see the parade. (Daria goes outside, and indeed, a parade is going down the street; walking outs ide, she sees a group of kids, led by Ms. Defoe, painting Lawndale Lions slogans on the storefront) Ms. Defoe - Now, really look inside your work, and ask: in focusing so intently on my subject, have I neglected my negative space? (turns and sees Daria) Daria! Have you seen Jane? Daria - Not lately.

Ms. Defoe - I was hoping she might help us paint windows. We need her color sens e. (suddenly, two kids get into a paint fight) Gary (O.S.) - CeCe, I'm going to throw paint on you! CeCe (O.S.) - Now, Gary, don't you dare! Ms. Defoe - No, people. Treasure you medium. (goes after the kids) Daria - Must get home... must get home... (squeezing through the crowd to stand at the curb, Daria looks on as a large flo at of a football player holding a penguin's head goes by; part of the head falls off, nearly crushing her as she stumbles back) Daria - Ah! (a camera flashes in her eyes; the picture is of Daria wincing at the bright lig ht) Jane - You'll pay through the nose for that shot, missy. Unless you can give me a plausible reason for your being here. Daria - I was having too much fun at home, so I thought I'd go out and get kille d by an unstable parade float. Jane - Yep, through the nose. Daria - I'd stay and talk, but I've got 20 bucks riding on my quick escape. Join me? Jane - Got a date... with a thoughtless delinquent. Daria - You're meeting Tom here? Jane - What better place than a high school homecoming to chronicle the anarchic death spiral of Western society? Daria - So your date consists of making fun of people. Jane - If you must be all simplistic about it. And you're here because... Daria - My dad sent me on an emergency errand and I got stranded. (Jane looks in the bag and sees the toilet paper) Jane - I'm betting he's stranded, too. Oh, look! (sees the cheerleading squad wa lk past) Hope you have time for a cheer before you go. Brittany - Okay, girls, let's pump up the spirit. (cheering) Who's the team that 's number one? Lawndale! Lawndale! Who's the team that's lots of fun? Lawndale! Lawndale! (Lisa and Nikki grab Brittany and hoist her in the air) Go... football ! (as the crowd applauds, Brittany looks at the football team's float, where Kevin and Angie are standing on the platform; as the girls set her down on the ground , Kevin puts his arm around Angie's shoulders)

Brittany - Hmm! Angie - Kevin, maybe we shouldn't be so friendly up here. Kevin - Relax, babe. You're the football sweetheart and I'm the Q.B. I'm suppose d to be touching you and stuff. It's the law. Angie - But Brittany's my friend, and she's right there. Kevin - Hey, we're elected officials. It's like manifold destiny. Robert - Um, Kevin? We're all supposed to be throwing candy. Kevin - Cool! (the football players start hurling candy at the crowd at high velocity, causing people to duck and cry out in pain; among them are Sandi Griffin's brothers, Sa m and Chris) Chris - Check it out -- I'll catch it in my mouth. (a piece of candy hits him in the head and knocks him over) Ow! Daria - That's it. When the candy reaches escape velocity, it's time to leave. Jane - Where the hell is Tom? He was supposed to be here 15 minutes ago. Daria - I wouldn't let it bother you. Just because he's a few minutes late doesn 't mean he's an inconsiderate jerk who will ultimately bring you nothing but mis ery. Jane - I'm glad you're starting to warm to him. Daria - I need to cross this street now if I want to make it home before the nex t ice age. See you. (leaves) Jane - Godspeed, Indiana Morgendorffer. (Daria starts to cross, but is restrained by Ms. Li) Ms. Li - Ms. Morgendorffer, where do you think you're going? Daria - Slowly insane. But I need to pop in at home first. Ms. Li - As principal of Lawndale High, I can't just permit spectators to cross a parade route. Daria - Right. Isn't that how World War I started? Ms. Li - If you were to get impaled on a float or sexually harassed by a clown, things could get ugly. Daria - Things already have, but I don't have time to debate this right now. (le aves) Ms. Li (into tape recorder) - Crowd control inadequate. Next year, consider elec tric fences. Daria (thinking) - I can still make it back in time. All I need is a catapult an d a good tailwind.

(suddenly, she runs into the Lawndale Lions mascot: a guy in a lion costume) Mascot - Rah, rah, rah! We're number one! Daria - Um, I think the roaring '20s are back that way. Mascot - Let's do the Lawndale shuffle. Daria - How about the "get the hell away from me" slide? (the mascot starts to dance, then suddenly begins swaying on his feet) Mascot - My head's too big. Daria - That's because it's so full of dreams. (the mascot falls to the ground) Mascot - (weakly) Rah, rah, rah. Please help me up. (several people start to help the mascot to his feet as Daria walks away, headed for the street once again) Daria - Ms. Li's gone. I'm out of here. (Daria then hears a child crying; looking over towards the sound, she sees a tea rful Tad Gupty) Daria - Tad? Tad - Daria? Oh, Daria, I'm scared! (Daria glances at the parade, where a cutesy kitty float is going past) Daria - So am I. Where are your mom and dad? Tad - I don't know. I saw a windmill in the toy store window so I went to look, because they're such a clean source of energy, and when I turned around, everyon e was gone. Now I'm frightened I'll be stuck in this parade forever. Daria - I know the feeling. Let's find you a cop. Tad - Oh, no. My dad says police officers too often utilize excessive force in t heir quest for efficient pacification. Daria - And I'm sure your father has had more than his share of scrapes with Joh n Law. Tad - Won't you stay with me, Daria? (Daria wants to get going, but she can't resist the tearful, pleading look on Ta d's face) Daria - (sighs) Come on. Much to my surprise, my conscience tells me I should he lp you find your parents. (grabs his hand and starts walking) Tad - Hooray! With you along, this'll be an exciting adventure, like the travels of Babar. Daria - Easy on the elephant comparisons, kid.

(both she and Tad are suddenly set upon by several kids spraying Silly String, a nd wind up liberally coated with the stuff) Daria - Stupid conscience. (at the parade) (Daria and Tad are walking along the parade route) Tad - What's your favorite part of the parade, Daria? Daria - The thigh... no, wait, the drumstick. Tad - Oh. I like the clowns. Daria - Of course you do. Keep looking for your parents. Tad - I also like it when they throw candy from the floats. Daria - Since when do you eat candy? You told me it was poison. Tad - Oh, it is, but every piece I catch is one cavity some other boy or girl wi ll never get. That's what makes it so rewarding. Daria - Tad, when you brush your teeth, do you ever scrub right through to your brain? Tad - Oh, look! Do you think he'll be throwing candy from his car? (Upchuck approaches in his garish "Love Machine" convertible; when he spots Dari a, he honks the horn, which plays the opening notes of "Also Sprach Zarathustra" ) Daria - No, that car has things thrown at it. Upchuck - Do my eyes deceive me? The divine Ms. Mmm... and who may I ask is your young suitor? Tad - I'm not supposed to give my name to strange people. Daria - And they don't come any stranger than this. Upchuck - So quick to dismiss. I like that... for a while. But you'll change you r tune when you see what I've done with the back seat. Does the notion of satin upholstery get you excited? Daria - Sure, if it's lining your coffin. Upchuck - Grr, feisty! I'll be parked at the end of the parade route, gorgeous. So remember, if the Love Machine's rocking, by all means, come-a-knocking! (Upchuck pulls away with another honk of his horn, and as Daria and Tad head for the sidewalk, they spot Tom standing in front of the pharmacy) Tom - Daria? Daria - (eyes narrow) Oh. Tom. Aren't you supposed to be with Jane? She was wait ing for you in front of Drugs N' Stuff.

Tom - Oh. She just said to meet at the pharmacy. I thought she meant the other o ne. I guess it was just a big misunderstanding. Daria - That's what Pol Pot said. Tom - He didn't mean to kill two million people. He only wanted to scare them. (in spite of herself, Daria manages a small smile) Tom - Anyway, who's this? Daria - Tad. Former baby-sitting job. He's lost, and we're looking for his paren ts. Tom - (kneels) Hiya, Tad, I'm Tom. Mind if I tag along with you guys? Daria - Actually, we'd be better off... Tad - We're both headed back toward Drugs N' Stuff. We can help each other. Daria - If you really want to walk with us, fine, but I don't think you'll find Jane. I've never seen this street so crowded before. Tom - It is a stunning array of pod people. It's times like these I'm glad I don 't go to your school. Daria - Uh-huh. And I suppose your ivy-choked prep school is any better? (pause) Wait a minute. Was I just defending Lawndale? Tom - You know, I think you were. Daria - We never had this conversation. Tom - What conversation? (meanwhile, the Fashion Club float trundles down the parade route; the girls wav e from atop the float) Quinn - All this waving is making my arm tired. Isn't there something else we ca n do? Sandi - There was, until someone handed out all our head shots at once. Stacy - I didn't mean to. Oh, I should have paced myself better. Tiffany - We should do something that showcases our, like, charity and stuff. Sandi - Perhaps we could select a less fortunate girl from the audience and give her a makeover. Quinn - That is such a good idea, Sandi. (Daria, Tad, and Tom are still walking) Tom - Maybe we should hop a float. We could see more people that way, and more p eople could see us. Daria - One: I don't hop floats. Two: I don't hop. Tom - Come on, Daria. You gotta embrace the nightmare. Don't you want to wave to

the crowd? Daria - Look, Tom, I know that you and Jane see this whole thing as a big joke, but that's not me. (she spots Quinn waving from the float) I stand corrected. Th is whole thing is a big joke. Sandi - Um, Quinn? Isn't that your relative or whatever walking toward us? (Sandi points to the street, where Daria, Tom, and Tad are following the float) Quinn - Oh, no. (to the front of the float) Okay, we need to speed up now. (at the front of the float, Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie -- who are pulling the float down the street -- start complaining rather strongly) Tiffany - This is perfect. We can make her over. Stacy - Wow! The crowd will be amazed. (Tom and Tad hop onto the float) Daria - Wait, not that float. Tad - Daria! Come on! Don't leave me! (starts crying) Daria! (irritated, Daria rushes over and is helped onto the float by Tom) Daria - Okay, we looked. Now let's get down before... (Sandi and Stacy yank her up to the top of the float) Sandi - We'll need to apply some base. But first, some pre-base. Stacy - Do you want to use my scrunchie? Please use my scrunchie. Tiffany - I'll take the "before" picture. (Tiffany snaps a photo, which shows a definitely unwilling Daria trapped in Fash ion Club hell) (Daria grabs Quinn and uses her as a shield) Daria - Call them off... or I start hugging you. Quinn - You wouldn't dare! Daria - Try me. (Quinn stares back at her Fashion Club friends, a look of pure horror on her fac e) (elsewhere, Mack and Jodie are on the Homecoming King and Queen float) Jodie - Isn't it great how they keep electing us Homecoming King and Queen every year? Mack - Yes, it's such a generous and enlightened gesture. It completely makes up for the town's utter lack of diversity, in my mind. Jodie - And we're playing into it.

Mack - Damn college applications. Jodie - This is so humiliating. (on the Fashion Club float) Quinn - This is so humiliating! Let go of me! Daria - Not until she holsters that hair spray. Sandi - Um, Quinn's cousin or whatever? Could you just let us pull your hair bac k? It won't, like, hurt. Tad - That product was tested on bunnies and kitties! Quinn - It was?! Sandi - Duh... that's why we use it. So those cute animals didn't suffer in vain . Quinn - Oh. Tad - You're a mean old witch. Sandi - I am not old! Tad - You're mean... Sandi - I am not old... Stacy - Quinn, your friend and her friends aren't getting into the spirit. Quinn - They shouldn't even be up here. Daria - There's a news flash. We're looking for Tad's parents. Have you seen the m? Quinn - No. Now get down. Daria - Come on, Tad. Enough of this ivory tower. Back to the streets. Tad - You don't respect other species' rights. Sandi - Shove it, veggie boy. (sprays Tad as he jumps off the float) Tiffany - That girl just doesn't know what's good for her. Quinn - Tell me about it. (on the sidewalk) Tad - Wait till I tell my parents I was on a real live float and I met an animal abuser. Daria - Uh-oh. The animals are about to exact their revenge. (the Lawndale Lions mascot rushes towards them) Mascot - Here we go, Lawndale, here we go!

Daria - Didn't I just leave you for dead a while ago? Beat it. Mascot - Come on, let's have a cheer! Tom - She said beat it, Leo! (shoves the mascot away) Daria - Wow. That was the modern equivalent of laying your cape over a puddle of water for me. Tom - Well, I don't know you well enough to wear my cape around you. (pause) Wai t a minute, was that a smile I just saw? Daria - A twitch... more of a tic, really. Tom - I knew you were having fun. Why hide it? You need to learn how to laugh ou t loud at the ridiculous horror of all this. Look -- cheerleaders! (Brittany is leading the squad in another cheer) Brittany (cheering) - The Lions can't be beat! They're lightning on their feet! They're the best team on our street... or lots of other streets. (on the football float, Kevin's hand wanders down to Angie's butt) Brittany - He touched her butt. Did anyone else see? He touched her butt! Okay, Mr. Busy Hands. Let's see how your team does without cheerleaders to back you up ! (the squad starts walking away... right into the path of the unstable "kill the penguins" float) Driver - Uh-oh! Passenger - They're coming right for us! Turn, turn! Driver - It's not designed to turn so fast! (with a squeal of tires, the float narrowly avoids the cheerleaders and the crow d as it topples over; the driver and his buddy barely get out in time to avoid t he car exploding) Daria - Wow. Tom - It's like the Hindenburg. Daria - Oh, the lack of humanity. (the crowd cheers and applauds as fire fighters arrive to put out the blaze) Daria - This is magnificent. When Homecoming Parades Turn Hellish. Tom - Now, aren't you glad you were here to see this? Daria - Well, I definitely understand why you wanted to share this with Jane. So rry you never hooked up. Tom - It's okay. By now she'd be so busy snapping pictures she'd forget I was ev en here. You know how she is.

Daria - Yeah, I know how she is. Tom - Thanks for getting lost in the moment with me. Daria - Um, you're welcome? Tom - What do you think of all this, Tad? (looks around) Tad? Tad? Daria - Oh, no. Tom - He couldn't have gone far. Daria - Did we pass any windmills? (at the parade) (Daria and Tom are walking the parade route once again, this time in search of T ad; they wind up in front of Drugs N' Stuff) Daria - Tad? Tad Gupty? Tom - I was holding his hand last, Daria. I'll take responsibility. (on the Homecoming King and Queen float) (Mack and Jodie, disgusted with their "token African Americans" status, are sitt ing down rather than standing and waving) Mack - Maybe we should start waving again. Jodie - Why play into this stupid charade any more than we have to? Mack - We don't have to do anything. Hell, we don't have to be up here. Jodie - That's actually a good point. What's the worst they could do to us? (Jodie looks over at the crowd and sees a young black girl waving at them, pride evident in her eyes; seeing this, Jodie softens, stands, and starts waving agai n) Mack - What happened? Jodie - Oh, what the hell. We may be tokens, but we're damn good-looking ones. Mack - Can't argue with that. (he also stands and resumes waving) Hey... is that Daria? Jodie - What's she doing at a homecoming parade? Daria - Tad? Tad? I can't believe this. Tom - Hey, it could be worse. Daria - Let's see... in the past half-hour, I've lost the chance to make 20 buck s, lost my dignity on a float, and, oh, yeah... I lost a seven-year-old child. Tom - Weren't you also carrying some toilet paper before? Daria - Yeah. Okay, now I'm angry.

Tad (O.S.) - Daria! Tom! I found my parents! They were looking for me! (the Gupty family approaches Daria and Tom; Lester is holding Tad in his arms) Lauren - Of course we were looking for you, honey. We were so worried. Daria, Ta d told us all about how you stayed with him. Lester - How can we ever repay you? Daria - I hear uncut diamonds are as good as cash on the open market. (Lester and Lauren both laugh) Lauren - Yes, well, thank you, Daria. The next time you baby-sit, we'll be sure to have some extra carrot sticks in the fridge, just for you! Lester - Come on, honey, Daria here is a hero. I say we get her some dried fruit . Daria - My cup runneth over. Tricia - Mom! Dad! We're missing the parade! Lauren - Well, I guess we'd better find a good spot. Thanks again, Daria. (they leave) Daria - Um, this is where I saw Jane before, but she's not here now. Tom - We've done what we can. I wouldn't stress about it. We're having a good ti me, right? (suddenly, they're once again accosted by the Lawndale Lions mascot, who seems t o be in some distress) Mascot (muffled) - Help... me... Daria - Not you again. Tom - Remember us? We're the ones who don't enjoy your hilarious antics. Mascot (muffled) - Can't... breathe... Tom - What's he saying? Daria - It's either "canned beef" or "can't breathe." (the mascot collapses) Daria - The latter. (Daria and Tom pull the mascot's head off, revealing him to be Mr. O'Neill) Mr. O'Neill (gasping) - Hello? Where am I? Oh... Daria - I can't believe it. It's Mr. O'Neill. Tom - And he would have gotten away with it if it weren't for us meddling kids. Mr. O'Neill - Oh, my... whenever I cut loose, I always go overboard. Oh... (chuc kles)

(meanwhile, the Fashion Club float has stopped) Quinn - Get going! Jeffy - We can't. Joey - The parade stopped moving again. Sandi - We can't just stay here forever. The same people have been staring at us for too long. Tiffany - It's like looking into the sun. It's like, really pretty? But if you d o it for too long, you get wrinkles. Stacy - Yeah. It kind of hurts, too. Quinn - Move! Move, you big, ugly vehicles! (the cars in front rev their engines, covering the Fashion Club with soot and en gine exhaust) All - Eww...! (start muttering angrily) (up ahead, two female cops are flanking Upchuck, who is checking under the hood of his stalled "Love Machine") Upchuck - I don't understand. Maybe the electric blanket is putting undue stress on the battery. Cop #2 - I don't care what your excuse is, Don Guano. You need to roll this car out of the way right now. Upchuck - That's the spirit. Let your blood boil. Cop #1 - You're holding up the parade. Now get out of here, or we put on the cuf fs. Upchuck - Grr! Feisty. (the cops grab Upchuck, who yells and moans as they start beating him with their nightsticks) Tom - They're gonna kill him. Daria - Let's not get our hopes up. (Both laugh, then wince as Ted DeWitt-Clinton snaps a photo of them; the photo s hows a surprised Daria and a bewildered Tom) Ted - Thanks, Daria. It's for the yearbook. I'm getting some really great pictur es of couples tonight. (leaves) Daria - No, Ted, we're not a... Tom - I don't even go to this school. Jane (O.S.) - Well, it's about stinking time. (Jane approaches)

Tom - We've been looking all over for you. Jane - What do you mean, been looking? Daria - Tom and I ran into each other. We've been up and down the entire parade route. Jane - Together? And yet, no torn clothes? No blood? No missing organs? Tom - No, we got along... pretty well. Right, Daria? Daria - Right. I guess. Jane - I said to meet at Drugs N' Stuff. Where were you, you big dope? Tom - No, you said at the pharmacy. Daria - He was at the other one waiting for you. That's where I met him... ran i nto him. Jane - Mm-hmm. I tried there, too. You guys must have left before I got there, I guess, Tom - I guess. Jane - Well, come on. Let's get some pizza and compare battle scars. (grabs Tom' s arm and starts walking) Come on, Daria! (Daria hesitates, then starts to join them just as the paint-fighting Gary and C eCe arrive) CeCe - Oh, my gosh! This is so much fun! (laughs) (Daria is suddenly caught in the crossfire, and is splashed with blue and yellow paint) CeCe - Oops, sorry. Gary - We're having a paint fight. Whoo! (Gary and CeCe run off, leaving behind a paint-splattered Daria) Jane - Oh, no, civilian casualties. You look great, Daria. Tom - I can't believe this? Are you okay? Daria - I'm... Tom - Here, take my jacket. Wish I'd worn my cape. Jane - Huh? Daria - No, I'm fine. Really, I've always wanted an amazing Technicolor dreamcoa t. Jane - I've trained her well. Never fear paint. Tom - Come on, Daria. We'll stop by your house and you can shower and change bef ore we head out.

Jane - No, come out like that, Daria. Shake up your image. Daria - You know, why don't you two just go on ahead? I think I'll skip the pizz a tonight. I need to go talk to Pharaoh about his dreams. Jane - Aw, come on. Tom - Yeah, come on, Daria. Daria - I'm kind of beat. Tom - Okay, see you around. Jane - I'll call you later. (Jane and Tom walk away, but Tom steals a look over his shoulder at Daria, who - despite her protestations -- is a vision of misery and loneliness) (Mr. O'Neill approaches, still in costume but with the helmet off) Mr. O'Neill - Well, I never would have believed it. Look at you, Daria. All deck ed out in the Lawndale colors. I knew if you just gave school spirit a chance, y ou'd like it. Go, Lawndale! Right, Daria? See you in class. (leaves) Daria (frowning) - Rah. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Jake is still sitting in the bathroom) Jake (O.S.) - Daria? Daria?! Please come home, Daria. Come on, I've read this ar ticle about the Olsen twins five times! I knew I should've made it 30 bucks. Dam n it! (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts I Loathe a Parade Episode #406 Written by Dan Vebber (opening theme song) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria is watching television in the living room) SSW Announcer - Can you teach an old dog to turn tricks? Ruff! Canine call girls , next on Sick, Sad World. (Quinn enters living room) Quinn - Daria, have you seen my new Teenage Superstars magazine? Daria - I couldn't help myself. I've plastered my walls with its hot, sexy pinup s.

Quinn - I'll ask Mom. (Quinn walks towards kitchen as Helen enters living room) Helen - Daria, have you seen your father? Daria - Did you look under the Teenage Superstars magazine? Helen - I'll ask Quinn. (Helen heads into the kitchen; moments later, both she and Quinn walk past Daria ; both are talking at once) Quinn - ...need some money for new clothes for the standardized testing 'cause I hate filling in those little circles... Helen - ...wasting time reading junk when you could be enjoying a good book. Now , did you see your father? When was the last time you saw him?... (the door closes behind them, leaving Daria alone at last... until Jake's voice calls out) Jake (O.S.) - Hello? Anybody? Please? (Daria heads upstairs, and stops outside the upstairs bathroom) Jake (O.S.) - Is anybody out there? Am I the only one left in the house? Daria - If I help you with the first question, will you try to do the second one on your own? Jake (O.S.) - Daria! Thank God! Your mother's at her work thing and Quinn's at h er school thing and... I thought I'd be stuck in here forever. Daria - Okay, listen closely. There's a knob on the door. Turn it counterclockwi se. Jake (O.S.) - We're all out of toilet paper, kiddo! Would you believe it? Daria - Oh. Well, I'll go grab some from downstairs. Jake (O.S.) - There isn't any downstairs. That's why I ran up here. Damn heart-s mart chili! Daria - I see. Walking away now with too much information. Jake (O.S.) - Kiddo, could you hurry over to Drugs N' Stuff and pick up a few ro lls? Daria - I get stuck on the hurry part. Jake (O.S.) - Damn it. How in hell would Helen handle this? How in hell would He len... hey, I bet that's one of those backwards-and-forward things! No, I guess not. Daria - I can hear you, you know. And she'd offer me a bribe. Jake (O.S.) - Yeah! If you can make it back in 15 minutes, I'll give you five bu cks.

Daria - A decent bribe. Jake (O.S.) - Twenty! Daria - You're on. See you in a few minutes. (leaves) Jake (O.S.) - Hurry, kiddo! This Teenage Superstars magazine is only 64 pages! (at Drugs N' Stuff) (Daria is standing in line, holding a package of toilet paper) Daria (thinking) - Ten minutes. I'll never make it home in time to get that 20. Of course, I could always turn back all the clocks in the house, but how will I get to his wristwatch? I wonder if they sell chloroform here. Woman - Next. Can I help you, dear? Daria - No, I just came to enjoy your reenactment of the fall of Saigon. Woman - You mean the crowd? Well, what do you expect on homecoming night? Daria - Homecoming night? Woman - Everyone in town is lining up to see the parade. (Daria goes outside, and indeed, a parade is going down the street; walking outs ide, she sees a group of kids, led by Ms. Defoe, painting Lawndale Lions slogans on the storefront) Ms. Defoe - Now, really look inside your work, and ask: in focusing so intently on my subject, have I neglected my negative space? (turns and sees Daria) Daria! Have you seen Jane? Daria - Not lately. Ms. Defoe - I was hoping she might help us paint windows. We need her color sens e. (suddenly, two kids get into a paint fight) Gary (O.S.) - CeCe, I'm going to throw paint on you! CeCe (O.S.) - Now, Gary, don't you dare! Ms. Defoe - No, people. Treasure you medium. (goes after the kids) Daria - Must get home... must get home... (squeezing through the crowd to stand at the curb, Daria looks on as a large flo at of a football player holding a penguin's head goes by; part of the head falls off, nearly crushing her as she stumbles back) Daria - Ah! (a camera flashes in her eyes; the picture is of Daria wincing at the bright lig ht) Jane - You'll pay through the nose for that shot, missy. Unless you can give me

a plausible reason for your being here. Daria - I was having too much fun at home, so I thought I'd go out and get kille d by an unstable parade float. Jane - Yep, through the nose. Daria - I'd stay and talk, but I've got 20 bucks riding on my quick escape. Join me? Jane - Got a date... with a thoughtless delinquent. Daria - You're meeting Tom here? Jane - What better place than a high school homecoming to chronicle the anarchic death spiral of Western society? Daria - So your date consists of making fun of people. Jane - If you must be all simplistic about it. And you're here because... Daria - My dad sent me on an emergency errand and I got stranded. (Jane looks in the bag and sees the toilet paper) Jane - I'm betting he's stranded, too. Oh, look! (sees the cheerleading squad wa lk past) Hope you have time for a cheer before you go. Brittany - Okay, girls, let's pump up the spirit. (cheering) Who's the team that 's number one? Lawndale! Lawndale! Who's the team that's lots of fun? Lawndale! Lawndale! (Lisa and Nikki grab Brittany and hoist her in the air) Go... football ! (as the crowd applauds, Brittany looks at the football team's float, where Kevin and Angie are standing on the platform; as the girls set her down on the ground , Kevin puts his arm around Angie's shoulders) Brittany - Hmm! Angie - Kevin, maybe we shouldn't be so friendly up here. Kevin - Relax, babe. You're the football sweetheart and I'm the Q.B. I'm suppose d to be touching you and stuff. It's the law. Angie - But Brittany's my friend, and she's right there. Kevin - Hey, we're elected officials. It's like manifold destiny. Robert - Um, Kevin? We're all supposed to be throwing candy. Kevin - Cool! (the football players start hurling candy at the crowd at high velocity, causing people to duck and cry out in pain; among them are Sandi Griffin's brothers, Sa m and Chris) Chris - Check it out -- I'll catch it in my mouth. (a piece of candy hits him in the head and knocks him over) Ow! Daria - That's it. When the candy reaches escape velocity, it's time to leave.

Jane - Where the hell is Tom? He was supposed to be here 15 minutes ago. Daria - I wouldn't let it bother you. Just because he's a few minutes late doesn 't mean he's an inconsiderate jerk who will ultimately bring you nothing but mis ery. Jane - I'm glad you're starting to warm to him. Daria - I need to cross this street now if I want to make it home before the nex t ice age. See you. (leaves) Jane - Godspeed, Indiana Morgendorffer. (Daria starts to cross, but is restrained by Ms. Li) Ms. Li - Ms. Morgendorffer, where do you think you're going? Daria - Slowly insane. But I need to pop in at home first. Ms. Li - As principal of Lawndale High, I can't just permit spectators to cross a parade route. Daria - Right. Isn't that how World War I started? Ms. Li - If you were to get impaled on a float or sexually harassed by a clown, things could get ugly. Daria - Things already have, but I don't have time to debate this right now. (le aves) Ms. Li (into tape recorder) - Crowd control inadequate. Next year, consider elec tric fences. Daria (thinking) - I can still make it back in time. All I need is a catapult an d a good tailwind. (suddenly, she runs into the Lawndale Lions mascot: a guy in a lion costume) Mascot - Rah, rah, rah! We're number one! Daria - Um, I think the roaring '20s are back that way. Mascot - Let's do the Lawndale shuffle. Daria - How about the "get the hell away from me" slide? (the mascot starts to dance, then suddenly begins swaying on his feet) Mascot - My head's too big. Daria - That's because it's so full of dreams. (the mascot falls to the ground) Mascot - (weakly) Rah, rah, rah. Please help me up. (several people start to help the mascot to his feet as Daria walks away, headed for the street once again)

Daria - Ms. Li's gone. I'm out of here. (Daria then hears a child crying; looking over towards the sound, she sees a tea rful Tad Gupty) Daria - Tad? Tad - Daria? Oh, Daria, I'm scared! (Daria glances at the parade, where a cutesy kitty float is going past) Daria - So am I. Where are your mom and dad? Tad - I don't know. I saw a windmill in the toy store window so I went to look, because they're such a clean source of energy, and when I turned around, everyon e was gone. Now I'm frightened I'll be stuck in this parade forever. Daria - I know the feeling. Let's find you a cop. Tad - Oh, no. My dad says police officers too often utilize excessive force in t heir quest for efficient pacification. Daria - And I'm sure your father has had more than his share of scrapes with Joh n Law. Tad - Won't you stay with me, Daria? (Daria wants to get going, but she can't resist the tearful, pleading look on Ta d's face) Daria - (sighs) Come on. Much to my surprise, my conscience tells me I should he lp you find your parents. (grabs his hand and starts walking) Tad - Hooray! With you along, this'll be an exciting adventure, like the travels of Babar. Daria - Easy on the elephant comparisons, kid. (both she and Tad are suddenly set upon by several kids spraying Silly String, a nd wind up liberally coated with the stuff) Daria - Stupid conscience. (at the parade) (Daria and Tad are walking along the parade route) Tad - What's your favorite part of the parade, Daria? Daria - The thigh... no, wait, the drumstick. Tad - Oh. I like the clowns. Daria - Of course you do. Keep looking for your parents. Tad - I also like it when they throw candy from the floats. Daria - Since when do you eat candy? You told me it was poison. Tad - Oh, it is, but every piece I catch is one cavity some other boy or girl wi

ll never get. That's what makes it so rewarding. Daria - Tad, when you brush your teeth, do you ever scrub right through to your brain? Tad - Oh, look! Do you think he'll be throwing candy from his car? (Upchuck approaches in his garish "Love Machine" convertible; when he spots Dari a, he honks the horn, which plays the opening notes of "Also Sprach Zarathustra" ) Daria - No, that car has things thrown at it. Upchuck - Do my eyes deceive me? The divine Ms. Mmm... and who may I ask is your young suitor? Tad - I'm not supposed to give my name to strange people. Daria - And they don't come any stranger than this. Upchuck - So quick to dismiss. I like that... for a while. But you'll change you r tune when you see what I've done with the back seat. Does the notion of satin upholstery get you excited? Daria - Sure, if it's lining your coffin. Upchuck - Grr, feisty! I'll be parked at the end of the parade route, gorgeous. So remember, if the Love Machine's rocking, by all means, come-a-knocking! (Upchuck pulls away with another honk of his horn, and as Daria and Tad head for the sidewalk, they spot Tom standing in front of the pharmacy) Tom - Daria? Daria - (eyes narrow) Oh. Tom. Aren't you supposed to be with Jane? She was wait ing for you in front of Drugs N' Stuff. Tom - Oh. She just said to meet at the pharmacy. I thought she meant the other o ne. I guess it was just a big misunderstanding. Daria - That's what Pol Pot said. Tom - He didn't mean to kill two million people. He only wanted to scare them. (in spite of herself, Daria manages a small smile) Tom - Anyway, who's this? Daria - Tad. Former baby-sitting job. He's lost, and we're looking for his paren ts. Tom - (kneels) Hiya, Tad, I'm Tom. Mind if I tag along with you guys? Daria - Actually, we'd be better off... Tad - We're both headed back toward Drugs N' Stuff. We can help each other. Daria - If you really want to walk with us, fine, but I don't think you'll find Jane. I've never seen this street so crowded before.

Tom - It is a stunning array of pod people. It's times like these I'm glad I don 't go to your school. Daria - Uh-huh. And I suppose your ivy-choked prep school is any better? (pause) Wait a minute. Was I just defending Lawndale? Tom - You know, I think you were. Daria - We never had this conversation. Tom - What conversation? (meanwhile, the Fashion Club float trundles down the parade route; the girls wav e from atop the float) Quinn - All this waving is making my arm tired. Isn't there something else we ca n do? Sandi - There was, until someone handed out all our head shots at once. Stacy - I didn't mean to. Oh, I should have paced myself better. Tiffany - We should do something that showcases our, like, charity and stuff. Sandi - Perhaps we could select a less fortunate girl from the audience and give her a makeover. Quinn - That is such a good idea, Sandi. (Daria, Tad, and Tom are still walking) Tom - Maybe we should hop a float. We could see more people that way, and more p eople could see us. Daria - One: I don't hop floats. Two: I don't hop. Tom - Come on, Daria. You gotta embrace the nightmare. Don't you want to wave to the crowd? Daria - Look, Tom, I know that you and Jane see this whole thing as a big joke, but that's not me. (she spots Quinn waving from the float) I stand corrected. Th is whole thing is a big joke. Sandi - Um, Quinn? Isn't that your relative or whatever walking toward us? (Sandi points to the street, where Daria, Tom, and Tad are following the float) Quinn - Oh, no. (to the front of the float) Okay, we need to speed up now. (at the front of the float, Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie -- who are pulling the float down the street -- start complaining rather strongly) Tiffany - This is perfect. We can make her over. Stacy - Wow! The crowd will be amazed. (Tom and Tad hop onto the float) Daria - Wait, not that float.

Tad - Daria! Come on! Don't leave me! (starts crying) Daria! (irritated, Daria rushes over and is helped onto the float by Tom) Daria - Okay, we looked. Now let's get down before... (Sandi and Stacy yank her up to the top of the float) Sandi - We'll need to apply some base. But first, some pre-base. Stacy - Do you want to use my scrunchie? Please use my scrunchie. Tiffany - I'll take the "before" picture. (Tiffany snaps a photo, which shows a definitely unwilling Daria trapped in Fash ion Club hell) (Daria grabs Quinn and uses her as a shield) Daria - Call them off... or I start hugging you. Quinn - You wouldn't dare! Daria - Try me. (Quinn stares back at her Fashion Club friends, a look of pure horror on her fac e) (elsewhere, Mack and Jodie are on the Homecoming King and Queen float) Jodie - Isn't it great how they keep electing us Homecoming King and Queen every year? Mack - Yes, it's such a generous and enlightened gesture. It completely makes up for the town's utter lack of diversity, in my mind. Jodie - And we're playing into it. Mack - Damn college applications. Jodie - This is so humiliating. (on the Fashion Club float) Quinn - This is so humiliating! Let go of me! Daria - Not until she holsters that hair spray. Sandi - Um, Quinn's cousin or whatever? Could you just let us pull your hair bac k? It won't, like, hurt. Tad - That product was tested on bunnies and kitties! Quinn - It was?! Sandi - Duh... that's why we use it. So those cute animals didn't suffer in vain . Quinn - Oh.

Tad - You're a mean old witch. Sandi - I am not old! Tad - You're mean... Sandi - I am not old... Stacy - Quinn, your friend and her friends aren't getting into the spirit. Quinn - They shouldn't even be up here. Daria - There's a news flash. We're looking for Tad's parents. Have you seen the m? Quinn - No. Now get down. Daria - Come on, Tad. Enough of this ivory tower. Back to the streets. Tad - You don't respect other species' rights. Sandi - Shove it, veggie boy. (sprays Tad as he jumps off the float) Tiffany - That girl just doesn't know what's good for her. Quinn - Tell me about it. (on the sidewalk) Tad - Wait till I tell my parents I was on a real live float and I met an animal abuser. Daria - Uh-oh. The animals are about to exact their revenge. (the Lawndale Lions mascot rushes towards them) Mascot - Here we go, Lawndale, here we go! Daria - Didn't I just leave you for dead a while ago? Beat it. Mascot - Come on, let's have a cheer! Tom - She said beat it, Leo! (shoves the mascot away) Daria - Wow. That was the modern equivalent of laying your cape over a puddle of water for me. Tom - Well, I don't know you well enough to wear my cape around you. (pause) Wai t a minute, was that a smile I just saw? Daria - A twitch... more of a tic, really. Tom - I knew you were having fun. Why hide it? You need to learn how to laugh ou t loud at the ridiculous horror of all this. Look -- cheerleaders! (Brittany is leading the squad in another cheer) Brittany (cheering) - The Lions can't be beat! They're lightning on their feet! They're the best team on our street... or lots of other streets.

(on the football float, Kevin's hand wanders down to Angie's butt) Brittany - He touched her butt. Did anyone else see? He touched her butt! Okay, Mr. Busy Hands. Let's see how your team does without cheerleaders to back you up ! (the squad starts walking away... right into the path of the unstable "kill the penguins" float) Driver - Uh-oh! Passenger - They're coming right for us! Turn, turn! Driver - It's not designed to turn so fast! (with a squeal of tires, the float narrowly avoids the cheerleaders and the crow d as it topples over; the driver and his buddy barely get out in time to avoid t he car exploding) Daria - Wow. Tom - It's like the Hindenburg. Daria - Oh, the lack of humanity. (the crowd cheers and applauds as fire fighters arrive to put out the blaze) Daria - This is magnificent. When Homecoming Parades Turn Hellish. Tom - Now, aren't you glad you were here to see this? Daria - Well, I definitely understand why you wanted to share this with Jane. So rry you never hooked up. Tom - It's okay. By now she'd be so busy snapping pictures she'd forget I was ev en here. You know how she is. Daria - Yeah, I know how she is. Tom - Thanks for getting lost in the moment with me. Daria - Um, you're welcome? Tom - What do you think of all this, Tad? (looks around) Tad? Tad? Daria - Oh, no. Tom - He couldn't have gone far. Daria - Did we pass any windmills? (at the parade) (Daria and Tom are walking the parade route once again, this time in search of T ad; they wind up in front of Drugs N' Stuff) Daria - Tad? Tad Gupty? Tom - I was holding his hand last, Daria. I'll take responsibility.

(on the Homecoming King and Queen float) (Mack and Jodie, disgusted with their "token African Americans" status, are sitt ing down rather than standing and waving) Mack - Maybe we should start waving again. Jodie - Why play into this stupid charade any more than we have to? Mack - We don't have to do anything. Hell, we don't have to be up here. Jodie - That's actually a good point. What's the worst they could do to us? (Jodie looks over at the crowd and sees a young black girl waving at them, pride evident in her eyes; seeing this, Jodie softens, stands, and starts waving agai n) Mack - What happened? Jodie - Oh, what the hell. We may be tokens, but we're damn good-looking ones. Mack - Can't argue with that. (he also stands and resumes waving) Hey... is that Daria? Jodie - What's she doing at a homecoming parade? Daria - Tad? Tad? I can't believe this. Tom - Hey, it could be worse. Daria - Let's see... in the past half-hour, I've lost the chance to make 20 buck s, lost my dignity on a float, and, oh, yeah... I lost a seven-year-old child. Tom - Weren't you also carrying some toilet paper before? Daria - Yeah. Okay, now I'm angry. Tad (O.S.) - Daria! Tom! I found my parents! They were looking for me! (the Gupty family approaches Daria and Tom; Lester is holding Tad in his arms) Lauren - Of course we were looking for you, honey. We were so worried. Daria, Ta d told us all about how you stayed with him. Lester - How can we ever repay you? Daria - I hear uncut diamonds are as good as cash on the open market. (Lester and Lauren both laugh) Lauren - Yes, well, thank you, Daria. The next time you baby-sit, we'll be sure to have some extra carrot sticks in the fridge, just for you! Lester - Come on, honey, Daria here is a hero. I say we get her some dried fruit . Daria - My cup runneth over. Tricia - Mom! Dad! We're missing the parade!

Lauren - Well, I guess we'd better find a good spot. Thanks again, Daria. (they leave) Daria - Um, this is where I saw Jane before, but she's not here now. Tom - We've done what we can. I wouldn't stress about it. We're having a good ti me, right? (suddenly, they're once again accosted by the Lawndale Lions mascot, who seems t o be in some distress) Mascot (muffled) - Help... me... Daria - Not you again. Tom - Remember us? We're the ones who don't enjoy your hilarious antics. Mascot (muffled) - Can't... breathe... Tom - What's he saying? Daria - It's either "canned beef" or "can't breathe." (the mascot collapses) Daria - The latter. (Daria and Tom pull the mascot's head off, revealing him to be Mr. O'Neill) Mr. O'Neill (gasping) - Hello? Where am I? Oh... Daria - I can't believe it. It's Mr. O'Neill. Tom - And he would have gotten away with it if it weren't for us meddling kids. Mr. O'Neill - Oh, my... whenever I cut loose, I always go overboard. Oh... (chuc kles) (meanwhile, the Fashion Club float has stopped) Quinn - Get going! Jeffy - We can't. Joey - The parade stopped moving again. Sandi - We can't just stay here forever. The same people have been staring at us for too long. Tiffany - It's like looking into the sun. It's like, really pretty? But if you d o it for too long, you get wrinkles. Stacy - Yeah. It kind of hurts, too. Quinn - Move! Move, you big, ugly vehicles! (the cars in front rev their engines, covering the Fashion Club with soot and en gine exhaust) All - Eww...! (start muttering angrily)

(up ahead, two female cops are flanking Upchuck, who is checking under the hood of his stalled "Love Machine") Upchuck - I don't understand. Maybe the electric blanket is putting undue stress on the battery. Cop #2 - I don't care what your excuse is, Don Guano. You need to roll this car out of the way right now. Upchuck - That's the spirit. Let your blood boil. Cop #1 - You're holding up the parade. Now get out of here, or we put on the cuf fs. Upchuck - Grr! Feisty. (the cops grab Upchuck, who yells and moans as they start beating him with their nightsticks) Tom - They're gonna kill him. Daria - Let's not get our hopes up. (Both laugh, then wince as Ted DeWitt-Clinton snaps a photo of them; the photo s hows a surprised Daria and a bewildered Tom) Ted - Thanks, Daria. It's for the yearbook. I'm getting some really great pictur es of couples tonight. (leaves) Daria - No, Ted, we're not a... Tom - I don't even go to this school. Jane (O.S.) - Well, it's about stinking time. (Jane approaches) Tom - We've been looking all over for you. Jane - What do you mean, been looking? Daria - Tom and I ran into each other. We've been up and down the entire parade route. Jane - Together? And yet, no torn clothes? No blood? No missing organs? Tom - No, we got along... pretty well. Right, Daria? Daria - Right. I guess. Jane - I said to meet at Drugs N' Stuff. Where were you, you big dope? Tom - No, you said at the pharmacy. Daria - He was at the other one waiting for you. That's where I met him... ran i nto him. Jane - Mm-hmm. I tried there, too. You guys must have left before I got there, I guess,

Tom - I guess. Jane - Well, come on. Let's get some pizza and compare battle scars. (grabs Tom' s arm and starts walking) Come on, Daria! (Daria hesitates, then starts to join them just as the paint-fighting Gary and C eCe arrive) CeCe - Oh, my gosh! This is so much fun! (laughs) (Daria is suddenly caught in the crossfire, and is splashed with blue and yellow paint) CeCe - Oops, sorry. Gary - We're having a paint fight. Whoo! (Gary and CeCe run off, leaving behind a paint-splattered Daria) Jane - Oh, no, civilian casualties. You look great, Daria. Tom - I can't believe this? Are you okay? Daria - I'm... Tom - Here, take my jacket. Wish I'd worn my cape. Jane - Huh? Daria - No, I'm fine. Really, I've always wanted an amazing Technicolor dreamcoa t. Jane - I've trained her well. Never fear paint. Tom - Come on, Daria. We'll stop by your house and you can shower and change bef ore we head out. Jane - No, come out like that, Daria. Shake up your image. Daria - You know, why don't you two just go on ahead? I think I'll skip the pizz a tonight. I need to go talk to Pharaoh about his dreams. Jane - Aw, come on. Tom - Yeah, come on, Daria. Daria - I'm kind of beat. Tom - Okay, see you around. Jane - I'll call you later. (Jane and Tom walk away, but Tom steals a look over his shoulder at Daria, who - despite her protestations -- is a vision of misery and loneliness) (Mr. O'Neill approaches, still in costume but with the helmet off) Mr. O'Neill - Well, I never would have believed it. Look at you, Daria. All deck ed out in the Lawndale colors. I knew if you just gave school spirit a chance, y

ou'd like it. Go, Lawndale! Right, Daria? See you in class. (leaves) Daria (frowning) - Rah. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Jake is still sitting in the bathroom) Jake (O.S.) - Daria? Daria?! Please come home, Daria. Come on, I've read this ar ticle about the Olsen twins five times! I knew I should've made it 30 bucks. Dam n it! (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Of Human Bonding Episode #407 Written by Anne D. Bernstein (Transcript created by Richard Lobinske) (opening theme song) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Jake, Daria, and Quinn are seated at the kitchen table while Helen stands at th e counter; Jake is reading from a convention brochure) Jake - Listen to this seminar! "Out of this world profits with Martian-themed re staurants." This Eatertainment Conference is going to be great! Daria - Stomach pumps sold separately. Jake - Hey, look! The keynote speaker is Terry Perry Barlow. He's a franchising genius. He made $40 million off the Pizza Forest chain. Daria - All on the backs of minimum-wage chipmunks. Helen - Jake, I don't have to attend any of these workshops, do I? Jake - Of course not. That's the beauty of tax-deductible conferences. You just sit by the pool and look hot! Daria - Where are those damn stomach pumps? Helen - Good. I haven't had a day off in... Quinn - Wait. You're leaving me here alone with Daria all weekend? Daria - Relax. I'll use the popular thumbscrews. Quinn - I guess if I schedule morning, afternoon, and evening dates... Helen - No dating while we're out of town. Quinn - Mo-om! Helen - The boys of Lawndale will just have to suffer. I'll tell you what. You c

an each invite one friend over for company. Quinn - But how am I supposed to choose just one friend? Daria - Throw them in a lake and see who bobs to the surface first? (at Lawndale High School) (Quinn is standing next to a group of lockers with Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie) Joey - Quinn, are you busy Saturday? I know you like Boys R Guys, so I bought tw o tickets. Jamie - I got three, because I know how much you hate other people's elbows Jeffy - Genius, then you need five seats: empty, me, empty, Quinn, empty. Quinn - Uh, sorry guys, but I'm busy. Thanks anyway! (Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie walk away dejectedly) Joey - What am I gonna do with these? I hate Boys R Guys. Jeffy - Boys R Guys suck. (pan to show Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany, who have been listening) Sandi - Gee, Quinn, your date Saturday must be really cute for you not to blow h im off for a concert. Tiffany - Yeah... what about priorities? Quinn - Actually, I don't even have a date. I'm staying home. (Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany gasp) Stacy - Oh, no! Sandi - Quinn Morgendorffer, as President of the Fashion Club, I'm afraid I must relieve you of all Vice-Presidential duties until you have regained your senses . Your lipstick, please. Quinn - Um, Sandi. So many guys asked me out this weekend, that I figured if I s tay home this once, they'll all want to go out with me even more. Sandi - Crafty. Quinn - I know you guys have dates, but Stacy, if you're not doing anything, wou ld you like to sleep over Saturday? Stacy - Sure! Sandi - So what you're saying, Quinn, is that you and Stacy are more unavailable than me and Tiffany. Quinn - Um, don't be ridiculous, Sandi. I want you all to come over. (Daria and Jane stand by the lockers as the Fashion Club walks by, still talking amongst themselves)

Jane - Hmm. I sense a worrisome teen conspiracy afoot. Daria - No, Quinn's just obeying orders by inviting one person to sleep over thi s weekend... three times. Jane - And how will she be explaining the extra daughters to Jake and Helen? Daria - They're going out of town. You mind if I come over Saturday night? Other wise, I'm afraid I'll end up doing time for de-accessorizing a teenage girl with my bare hands. Jane - Guess I'll just have to visit you in the joint. Tom and I are going bowli ng with his friends Saturday. Daria - Oh. Jane - You could tag along. Daria - No, thanks. I'll just stay in and curl up with a good dose of strychnine . Jane - You know, Daria, no one is forcing you to stay home. It's a big, wide wor ld out there. Daria - Yes. It's the width I find so disturbing. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Jake and Daria are seated on a sofa in the living room while Helen stands nearb y with the cordless telephone) Jake - Landing a big client like Terry Perry Barlow is just the Rx I need to get the old profile back on high! Helen - That's nice, dear. (to phone) But I thought it was settled! Isn't it eno ugh that they're paying for the reconstructive surgery? Daria - Hey, this conference is right next to the Museum of Medical Oddities. Da d, would you mind swinging by the gift shop and getting me a skull crusher? Jake - Sure thing, kiddo. (realizes what he agreed to) Skull crusher? Ewww... Helen (to phone) - Okay! I'll be there. (shuts off phone) Damn! Well, that's it. I can't go to the conference. The PortaFry class action lawsuit is back on. Jake - But Helen, I need you. The tickets are non-refundable. Helen - I'm sorry, Jake, really I am, but the firm's counting on me. Tell you wh at... go get yourself a new set of golf clubs, on me. And you can think of me wh en you're hitting the ball. Really whack it. (laughs, but it tapers off) I'd bet ter go review my file. Jake (imitating Helen) - "The firm's counting on me." (normal voice) God forbid I should count on anyone! Little Jakey has to learn to be self-sufficient. It's weak to depend on other people! (imitates his father) "Hey, you don't mind spend ing the holidays in the barracks, do you son? The janitor will keep an eye on ya ." (normal voice) Merry Christmas, Dad... in Hell! (starts crying) (Quinn walks down stairs and through the living room, talking on cordless phone)

Quinn - Sure, we can play my Boys R Guys CDs, and the Backyard Boys, and Boys fr om the Street, and Boys in Suits, and... (Daria picks up remote and turns on TV) SSW Announcer - Fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly, but not when you bake them both in a pie! Sunday brunch in the loony bin, next on Sick, Sad World. Jake (still crying) - Why am I the one who's always deserted? The one there's ne ver room for in the car? Daria - Um, Dad. I'd go with you, but... Jake - "I'd go with you, but the dog needs his nails clipped. Happy wedding, son !" (cries again) (Quinn walks back through the living room, still talking on the phone) Quinn - And then we can watch the Waif special: Before They Were Supermodels. Daria - Before They Were Supermodels? (sighs) I will go with you, Dad... if I ca n stop off at the Museum of Medical Oddities and check out the Sliced Man. Jake - You're on, kiddo! (pause) Sliced Man? Eww... (in Jake and Helen's bedroom) (Helen is already in bed and Jake is in the attached bathroom) Helen - You know, honey, you could really turn this change of plans into somethi ng very positive. Jake - You're not getting out of the golf clubs, Helen. Helen - I mean, this trip is a chance to really get to know your daughter as a p erson: her hopes, her dreams, her fears. Jake - Aw, Helen, do I have to? Helen - Jake! Jake - But I'm scared. (on an airliner, heading to the conference) (Jake is in an aisle seat and Daria is in a window seat) Jake - I love business class! Complimentary cocktails, arm rests you can really get a grip on. (nervous laugh) We're all gonna die. (grabs and holds out glass) How about a refill here? Daria - Dad, maybe you should go easy on the complimentary cocktails. Jake - You're right -- need a distraction, need a distraction. (steward takes away the glass; Jake picks up book and begins reading) Jake - I Did It, Why Can't You? Did you know Terry Perry Barlow saved the lives of his entire ballooning crew in an ice storm? He climbed up the ropes and opene d the rip panel with his teeth.

Daria - I just performed a similar act of bravery on this bag of peanuts. (at the Morgendorffer house) (in the kitchen, Quinn is cutting up carrots for a platter and talks on the cord less phone while Helen paces and talks on her cell phone) Quinn - Of course we've got three-prong outlets, Sandi. What do you think this i s, uncivilization? Helen (into phone) - They settled? Dammit, Eric. This is a very important weeken d for Jake and I was gonna... oh, stop it Eric, you do not... you do not... oh, very well. You sleep better at night knowing I'm on the job. You know, I do try. (light laugh) Oh sure, you have to take that call. Bye. Quinn - Bye. Helen (sighs) - Well, honey, it looks like your mom will be around the house thi s weekend after all. Quinn - What! (realizes she made a mistake) I mean, great! By the way, did I men tion that Sandi and Tiffany are coming over along with Stacy? Well, I better go inventory the Q-tips. Helen - Quinn! I said one guest. Quinn - I know, but Daria and her friend aren't staying, so I had to get someone to fill in the slots. But if it's a problem, we can just go to Sandi's, because I know her mother would be... Helen - Fine! Your friends can stay here. Like I would give Linda the satisfacti on. (on the airplane) (Daria and Jake are both eating snacks) Jake (VO) - Maybe I need to stop blaming Dad for my problems and concentrate on being the best father I can. Really reach out to my little girl, who always look s so lonely and tell her, "I'm here for you. I always will be." (normal voice) Y ou know, the peanut really is a second-class nut. Now cashews, those are what th e big guys eat... the CEOs. Daria (VO) - I don't care if he's afraid of heights, but he's afraid to be afrai d. That's what's so heartbreaking. He's my father; shouldn't I let down the barr icades for once and tell him I think he's a hero? (normal voice) How did a salte d goldfish get in here? Weird. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Quinn, Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany, all in sleepwear, are seated on the floor in Quinn's bedroom when Helen enters, carrying a bowl of popcorn) Helen - Hi, girls. Popcorn? Sandi - Gee, Quinn. You didn't tell us your mother was going to be here. Quinn - Last minute change of plans. Thanks, Mom, bye now.

Sandi - Wait, Quinn. You didn't ask your mother if she might like a makeover. Quinn - Oh Sandi, what a great idea! But you don't have time for a makeover, do you, Mom? Helen - I suppose not. Sandi - I guess it's just as well. If I make you look ten years younger, you'll just have to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe. Helen - Actually, a makeover sounds like fun. I'll go change into my pajamas. (Helen sets down bowl of popcorn and exits) Quinn - Dear God... not the ones with the bumblebees. (at the hotel) (Jake and Daria are at the registration desk; things do not seem to be going wel l, judging by Jake's temper) Jake - What do you mean, you don't have it? Two adjacent rooms. Morgendorffer. " M" as in "mad as hell!" Clerk - I'm sorry, I just don't see it. (Andrew and Michele Landon enter the hotel) Andrew - Jake? Jake Morgendorffer. Daria - Jodie's parents? Andrew - How you doing, big guy? Jake - Oh, hi, Andrew. Andrew - Good to see you. Jake - Hello Michele. Michele - Hi. Daria - Hi. Michele - How nice of you to bring your daughter, Jake. Jake - Oh, Helen had some last minute work come up. Andrew - Real go-getter, huh? Michele - And I suppose that makes me "the woman behind the man?" Because I'm go ing back to work as soon as Evan's in daycare. Andrew - No son of mine is going into daycare. Montessori my butt! Why not just throw him to the wolves? Give a call, Jake. We'll grab a drink before the recept ion. We'll be in the tower, penthouse "C." (the Landons exit) Jake - The tower?

Clerk - Mr. Morgendorffer? I think I found you something. You're not sensitive t o the sounds or smells of a kitchen exhaust fan, are you? (Jake covers his face with his hands) (at the Morgendorffer house) (in Quinn's bedroom, Helen, in pajamas with a bumblebee print, is getting a make over from Sandi while Quinn paces the floor) Helen - This is very nice of you, Sandi. Sandi - My pleasure. I like to give back to the community, Helen. Quinn - Helen? Oh, when will it end? When will it end? Helen - Are you sure about this foundation? Sandi - A matte finish is always best for concealing age spots. Helen - You know, Sandi, a freckle or line here or there is no sin. A few lines in a woman's face show character. Hmm. Except for the mean little ones some peop le get at the corners of their mouth from scowling too much. Sandi - Shall I pluck your eyebrows now? Helen - In a truly civilized society, wisdom would count more than appearance, a nd a grown woman of accomplishment wouldn't be run out of town for sprouting a f ew tiny crow's feet. Sandi, do you think your mother knows a good collagen man? Sandi - Shall I ask her? Helen - No! (at the hotel) (the conference reception is in full swing; Daria, Jake, Michele, and Andrew are together) Andrew - I don't know, Jake. Most of the companies here look a little on the sma ll fry side for me, but there's no reason why you shouldn't drum up some busines s. (Jake frowns) Daria - Shall I go get the tom-toms? (Michele laughs) Andrew - Oh, look, Terry Perry Barlow. (Terry enters and looks around) Andrew - Haven't seen him since Entrepreneurfest 3000. Did you know he saved his balloon crew's lives during an ice storm? Daria - And I bet he never talks about it. Andrew - Tore open the rip panel with his teeth.

Jake - He's so... Daria - Muncheroic? Terry - Andrew Landon! How the hell are you? (Terry and Andrew shake hands) Andrew - Doubling my net worth every six months. Terry - If ya done it, it ain't bragging. (Andrew and Terry laugh) Andrew - Well, look who I'm talking to. Have you met my wife, Michele? Michele - Former Senior VP at US World. Andrew - Impressive! Who you with now? Michele - Actually, I'm taking a brief hiatus. We recently had a son. Terry - One of the unfortunate side effects of Viagra. (laughs) Just kidding. Go t a pair of newborns myself. Pay their mother a nice settlement, too. Daria (to Michele) - Want to check out the potato salad swan? Michele - Lead the way. (Daria and Michele exit) Andrew - Oh, Barlow. This is Jake Morgendorffer. His daughter goes to school wit h ours. Terry - Ah, the little four-eyed girl. Nice to meet you... really, really great. Jake - Jake Morgendorffer Consulting! By consulting, I mean... Terry - Let me tell you something, Landon. My new chain is going to blow the lid off of the simulated regional family-style sector. Alligator Alley: New Orleans cuisine, live alligator wrestling. Andrew - You've got guts, Barlow. The conventional wisdom says theme restaurants have peaked. Terry - That's why the call it conventional wisdom. Shift the paradigm! Andrew - Push the envelope! Terry - Think outside the box! Jake - Are crocodiles alligators, or is it the other way around? (at the Morgendorffer house) (Helen is now wearing exaggerated makeup and is sitting with the Fashion Club on the floor) Helen - What if this girl's boyfriend doesn't appreciate her as much as he used

to? What if what was a hot relationship is now sort of a drag? Let's say they've been going steady for, I don't know, twenty years? Quinn - Well, obviously she should flirt with his friends. Sandi - I say break up, ideally, on his birthday. (at the convention) (Daria and Michele are near the reception's buffet) Michele - These cheddar cheese biscotti are awful. Daria - So is the sight of grown men trying to out-shake each other. Michele - Excuse me, Daria. I'm going to retrieve my husband before he breaks hi s hand and I have to dress two babies every morning. (Michele exits; cut to Terry and Jake) Terry - All I'm saying is, you can pile up your market research like cow pies in a pasture. They're still no substitute for talking to the people. Take your dau ghter there, Jack. Jake - Jake. Terry - One conversation with her will tell me more than a fifty-page report fro m some fancy-shmancy consulting firm. Say, what did you say you do again? Jake (takes a bite of biscotti) - These cheddar cheese biscotti are great! (at the Morgendorffer house) (the Fashion Club are seated on the floor in Quinn's room, watching Before They Were Supermodels on TV) Tiffany - Wearing braids with a headband is so wrong. (phone rings) Quinn - No one answer it. We're supposed to be unavailable. Answering Machine (VO with Quinn's voice) - Hi! I'm not here, but if you want to schedule a date, please leave the time and date desired and your car's model, y ear, and color, and maybe I'll get back to you. Bye. Scott (VO) - Hi, Quinn, it's Scott. We were hoping to see you at Ricky's but you 're not here. Hope everything's okay. Jamie (VO) - Did you reach Quinn? Joey (VO) - Is she all right? Jeffy (VO) - Want to buy some Boys R Guys tickets? Sandi - Why is Scott calling you? I thought he liked me. Stacy - Ricky's having a party? (cries) I can't believe he didn't invite me. I t hought he thought I was cute.

(Quinn unplugs phone line) Quinn - Stacy, it's not really a party. Sandi - That still doesn't explain why you stole Scott away from me. Quinn - But Sandi, you said you didn't even like Scott. You said his fingers wer e too pudgy. (Stacy wails loudly) Tiffany - Yellow sandals are so wrong. (at the convention) (Jake leads Daria over to Terry) Jake - Honey, Terry Perry Barlow wants to talk to you. Can you believe it? Daria - There's so much about this day I can't believe. Terry - Say, Darlene. Would alligator wrestling get you into a restaurant? Jake - Of course it would. Daria - That depends. Is there a restaurant next door with cock fights? (Terry laughs) Terry - Darlene, you're sharp. You remind me of me. Jake - Yeah! Uh, me too. Terry - You two like ballooning? Jake - Ballooning? Like up in the air? Terry - These conferences are dull as dirt. Let's sneak off tomorrow morning for a spin in my balloon. We can be back in time for the keynote address. Jake - Way up in the air? Sounds great... (nervous laugh) Yeah, that'll be fun. Right, Daria? Daria - More fun than a barrel of alligators. Terry - Daria? (shrugs) Okay. Meet me out front at 5:00 A.M. (Terry exits) Daria - I thought you were afraid of heights. Jake - Oh, uh, that was a long time ago. (flashback begins) (a teenage Jake is partway up a climbing rope, shaking in fear, while a drill in structor looks on) Drill Instructor - Well, Morgendorffer, the other cadets are going to turn in. T hey're all tuckered out from laughing at your cowardice. Guess I'll have to leav

e you here for the night. By the way, your father called and I told him all abou t it. He says don't bother coming home for Easter. (drill instructor exits) Teenage Jake - Help me? (at the convention hotel) (Daria and Jake go into Daria's room) Jake - Get a good night's sleep, kiddo. I'll wake you at 4:30. Daria - Can't. I have a date at the Museum of Medical Oddities tomorrow with a s alivary gland tumor, remember? Jake - But, Daria, this balloon ride is my big break. Alligator Alley is going t o need lots of marketing know-how. We're a team, right? Daria - Very much like an Olympic skating duo, without the sequins. Jake - Aw, you're right. Why should you help me out? Here we've spent a whole da y together, and I haven't even tried to find out, um, your dreams and fears. (Jake sits on bed) Daria - My biggest fear right now is that I'll wake up and this conversation won 't be a dream. (Daria sits at a table near the bed) Jake - Do you think we should hang out more? You know, bond? Daria - Um, I guess we could. Jake - Heh. Daria - Hmm. On the other hand, you know how we always sit in the kitchen togeth er reading the paper and not talking? Jake - Is this a trick question? Daria - Maybe our father-daughter relationship has reached that rare level where we no longer have to go through the motions of empty conversation. That's bondi ng. Jake - Yeah! But... your mother thinks there's a lot of stuff I don't know about you. Daria - Six and a half B. Jake - Gah! I don't want to know that. Daria - It's my shoe size. Jake - Oh. Ten D. Daria - Okay, now that we know each other's deepest secrets, I say it's time to hit the sack. (sighs) And I'll see you at 4:30.

Jake - Great! (at the Morgendorffer house) (the Fashion Club members are preparing to go to sleep; Sandi is in the bed whil e Quinn, Stacy, and Tiffany are in sleeping bags) (Stacy is punching her pillow) Stacy - Unh! Stupid! Unh! Unh! No matter what I do, pillow hair! (Tiffany is applying a face cream) Tiffany - This papaya joe-joe-ba overnight facial mask is really itchy. Sandi - I'm warning you guys, I don't look my best in the morning. I hope I don' t scare you. Quinn - Oh Sandi, I just hope I don't scare you. Sandi - Are you sure you don't mind me taking the bed? If it weren't for my cond ition... Tiffany - Oh, yeah... your condition. Quinn - Of course not. Well, sweet dreams everyone. (all say good-nights) (Sandi turns off the nightstand light and everyone prepares to sleep) (dream sequence begins) (Sandi cuts off Quinn's long hair and holds it up while lightening flashes, then Quinn cuts off Sandi's hair as lightening flashes; both wake up, frightened, wi th short hair) (dream sequence ends as both wake up looking normal) Quinn - Sandi! Sandi - Quinn! Quinn - Did you have a bad dream? Sandi - A real nightmare. Quinn - Me too. Sandi - What was yours about? Quinn - Uh, someone hurting puppies. (nervous laugh) Sandi - Mine was about orphans who needed ankle boots. Well, back to sleep. Quinn - Night. (both lay back down, wary) (outside the convention)

(it's early morning at the balloon launch site; Jake and Daria talk with Terry w hile Terry's assistant Arno finishes preparations; Arno talks like a bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator) Terry - What's your fancy, Jake? Play tag with the treetops or go out over the w ater for a mile or two? Jake - Oh, uh, whatever is more bold and exciting. Daria - I hear they have a bold and exciting brunch back at the hotel. Arno - Where is the crew? It is time for the get go. Terry - You're looking at them, Arno. My new compadres... Jake and Daria Mogenda vid. Jake - That's... Daria - Don't bother. Arno - You'd put our lives in the hands of a teenager and a confused man? Jake - Hey! Arno - Also, I do not like the looks of those cumulus. No, no flight today. Terry - Prepare for takeoff... now! When I say frog, I expect you to jump. Arno - I am not a hoppy thing. I am a world class balloonist. Terry - Who pays your salary, Blondie? I made you and I can break you. Arno - Oh, yes? Well, how would Mr. CNN George Bernie Shaw like to know I am the one who ripped the balloon open with my teeth? And I myself have the dental rec ords to prove so. (zoom to a close-up of his mouth, showing a telltale gap between his two front t eeth) (at the Morgendorffer house) (in Quinn's bedroom, everyone wakes up looking horrible, with tangled hair and r umpled clothes) Quinn - I feel terrible. Sandi - I feel horrible. Stacy - Pillow hair. Tiffany - Rash. (downstairs, the doorbell rings, and Helen, still in pajamas, answers the door f or Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie) Jamie - Sorry to bother you, Mrs. Morgendorffer, but we were worried about Quinn . Joey - Nobody's seen her all weekend. Did she elope or something?

Jeffy - Please say no. (the Fashion Club come down the stairs and the boys stare at them) Sandi - You don't look tired at all, Quinn. If I were you, I wouldn't even wear makeup today. (upon seeing the three boys, the girls scream and run back upstairs) Jamie - Hi, Quinn. (at the balloon launch site) Arno - I sold my soul to wet-nurse the whiny billionaire and someone else balloo ns around the world first. Oh, Denmark, how I have failed you. Daria - You could still be the first to balloon around the world twice. Arno - Teen girl is right. I shall do it. Beginning now, I quit. (Arno exits) Terry - Next time, I get a Norwegian. Well, let's get cracking. Jake, get into t he gondola and man the burner. Jake - Whoops... (laugh) Broke the zipper on my sweatshirt. No can do. Terry - A little nervous, huh, Jake? You know how I got where I am today? Daria - I know it had something to do with balloon biting. Terry - Pure guts. I've been face to face with Bengal tigers, Himalayan snow squ alls, strange kids calling out "daddy!" Did I let fear paralyze me? No way. Jake - I'm not afraid of you, you clouds that are looking an awful lot like Dad' s face right now! Let's balloon! Terry - Come on, Daria! Daria - Gee, I don't think so. While I love a good air disaster as much as the n ext person, I was hoping my father and I would both be around long enough for hi m to squander my inheritance on telemarketing scams and digitalis. (Daria begins to walk away) Jake - Kiddo! Where are you going? Terry - What do you think you're doing? Daria - Refusing to have anything to do with an unmanageable bag of hot air... o r his balloon. Terry - Oh yeah? Well, screw this crap. I'm going sailing. (Terry climbs out and exits) Jake - Oh well, no ballooning today, darn it. (Jake goes to exit the gondola and frees the tether rope; the balloon rises)

Jake - Gah! Daria - Um, Dad? Jake - Don't worry Daria, it's beautiful up here! I'm not afraid! I finally know what it is to conquer my fear! Nothing can stop me now! (laughs) (balloon crashes into treetops) Jake - Mommy? Daria - Watch out for that tree. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Helen is serving breakfast to Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie) Helen - What if this girl's boyfriend doesn't appreciate her as much as he used to? What if what was once a hot relationship is now sort of a drag? Let's say th ey've been going steady for, I don't know, 20 years. (at the convention hotel) (Jake, on crutches, and Daria are checking out) Daria - Sorry that balloon ride didn't work out the way you wanted. Jake - I'm fine, Daria. Dammit, I'm more than fine. This experience has given me a new jolt of confidence. Oh, sure, it was painful having that branch removed, but I've conquered a fear that's been with me ever since childhood. I'm not afra id of anything now! I owe you one, kiddo. Daria - Well, we still have a few hours before we're due at the airport. (outside the Museum of Medical Oddities) Jake (VO) - Is that a...? Could that really be a...? Ewww! (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Psycho Therapy Episode #408 Written by Neena Beber (Transcript created by Richard Lobinske) (opening theme song) (Morgendorffer kitchen. Jake, Daria and Quinn are preparing breakfast for themse lves. Quinn pours a bowl of cereal while Daria opens a toaster pastry) Quinn - Ugh, Sugar tarts? Haven't you ever heard the expression, "You eat what y ou are?" Daria - Haven't you ever heard the expression, "Get the hell away from me?"

Jake - You want some milk, kiddo? Daria - No, thanks. Read the warning label; contains tryptophane, highly relaxin g, do not combine with high school. (Jake scans milk carton) Jake - I don't see that. (he pours milk into coffee) Does milk really relax you? Daria - It's not quite as effective when diluted with three cups of coffee. (Jake dumps his cup of coffee into the sink and drinks milk straight from the ca rton. Helen enters) Helen - Good morning! Quinn - Mom? Helen - Who'd like a nice, hot breakfast, a la Helen? Jake - Hot breakfast? Honey, you're not going through (drops voice) "the change, " are you? Helen - My seven AM meeting got cancelled, so I thought we could enjoy some extr a family time. Daria, can I make you breakfast? (Daria points to toaster) Daria - Sure, push the lever. Helen - Daria! Sugar tarts? Daria - Hey, it's not my fault frozen burritos won't fit. Helen - Jake, Quinn, can I get you anything? Quinn - Actually, I saw these really cute zipper boots at Cashman's. Helen - I meant, for breakfast. Quinn - I could wear them during breakfast. (Helen answers her cell phone) Helen - Eric? What? When? How? Of course not, not a problem. (she turns off cell phone) Jake - You know, now that you mention it honey, I could sure use one of your egg -white omelets. Yum! (Helen grabs a drink from the refrigerator) Helen - Jake, can't you ever think of anyone but yourself? I've got a huge emerg ency at the office. My seven o'clock's back on and I'm late! (Helen exits) Jake - What'd I do? Daria - Damn, I'll have to make my own breakfast (she pushes down lever on toast

er) Now, I'm too tired to eat. (Helen's office. She is at her desk talking on the telephone and Marianne is at the door) Helen - Absolutely. Consider it done. I'll stay here all night if I have to. We' re just happy to be in business with you. Bye-bye. (she hangs up phone and speak s to Marianne) What is it? Marianne - That Mr. O'Neill is on the line about the parent/teacher meeting. I n eed know which excuse to give. (Helen examines various papers and clearly has little patience for the distracti on) Helen - Hmm. Tell him I have to do my pro bono work with the free clinic. We hav en't used that one in a while. (pause) What? You think I'm a rotten mother? Marianne - I would never say that, Helen. Helen - But, you'd think it. Marianne - Um... Helen - What? Do you agree with me or don't you? Marianne (nervous) - May I go to the bathroom? (Eric walks up behind Marianne) Eric - Of course you can! What kind of slave ship do you think we're running her e? (Eric laughs and crosses to Helen, who also laughs. Marianne forces a laugh and escapes) Eric - Strange woman. Helen - Oh, Eric. Did I tell you what a privilege it was to watch you in that me eting this morning? The way you just reeled off he tax code was riveting. Eric - What can I say? You build a top law firm; you're bound to pick up a few t ricks along the way. Helen - Well, anything I can do to keep the firm number one, just let me know. I 'm not afraid of a little hard work...or a lot. Eric - I know you're not. That's what brings me in here today. (He hands Helen a pamphlet entitled "Quiet Ivy. Renewal and Rejuvenation for the spirit and soul") Helen - The retreat? Eric - It's your turn, Helen. The big dogs think you're ready. Helen - I don't know what to say. (reads pamphlet) The whole family? Eric - We want to get a look at Helen Morgendorffer wearing all three hats; wife , mother, lawyer. And, what we see may just might lead to hat number four, partn

er. Helen - I hate the way I look in hats. (forced laugh) (Morgendorffer kitchen. Jake, Daria and Quinn are at the table while Helen, wear ing oven mitts, brings over a foil baking pan and serves lasagna) Quinn - A spa? Great, I need a facial so bad. Daria (reading pamphlet) - Don't get excited. This says it's a spa for the soul. Didn't you sell yours a while back? Jake - Who the hell is paying for this! Dammit, where's the milk? Helen - Relax, Jake. The firm's paying. Daria (reading) - We exercise your inside instead of your outside. Good, my panc reas could really use a workout. Quinn - Eww! What good is exercising if you can't even see the results? Helen - Quinn, this is about family togetherness. We get to have fun while I get to show I'm partner material. (Helen hands Quinn a questionnaire) Daria - I see; we're being graded on our family life. (she pretends to look at w ristwatch) Gee, look at the time. 1984 all ready. Helen - Oh, Daria, don't be silly. (Helen sits and gives Daria a questionnaire) Helen - Now, we have to fill out these questionnaires so I can fax them over. Is n't it nice they want to get to know us before we arrive? Daria - Sure, so they'll know who to make into a drone and who just to kill outr ight. Helen - Jake, I could use some help here. (Jake is chugging milk from the carton. When he stops and looks at Helen, he has a broad milk mustache) Jake - Ahh. (Everyone stares at Jake) Jake - What? (Lane house, Jane's bedroom. Daria is seated on the bed reading from the questio nnaire while Jane adjusts a webcam on her computer) Daria - Which animal would you rather be; a dog, a seal or a lion? Jane - How about a bat? Daria - Bat's not an option. Jane - Write it in.

Daria - Now explain your choice in a brief sentence. Jane - I've always wanted to sleep upside-down and spread rabies. Daria - Sounds more like it should go under "Career Goals," but all right. (Jane switches the webcam on and her image appears on the computer monitor) Jane - Okay world, meet Jane-Cam. All Jane, all the time. Well, except naked tim e. (Monitor image pans to Daria) Daria - You don't even like having your picture taken, and now you're going to h ave strangers all over the country observing your every move? Jane - All over the world. It's a public service. If my mundane little life can somehow provide comfort to lonely web-trollers, then I'll know my time here on E arth wasn't wasted. Daria - A noble cause. It suits you well. Jane - And it requires practically no effort. Daria - That's what I meant. Jane - Beautiful. Now, remember to keep this our little secret. I don't want the camera to influence my guest's behavior. (Daria walks away) Jane - Daria? (Jake's Lexus. Jake is driving and drinking milk, Helen is beside him reading a map and the girls in the back seat) Helen - Jake! We're going to be late, please step it. Jake (mellow) - What's the hurry? We've got plenty of time. Sit back and smell t he roses. Daria - Which happen to have an aroma very similar to gas fumes. Helen - Sit back? Have you lost your mind? Jake - Beautiful, beautiful tryptophane. Daria - We'll score that, a yes. Helen - Give me that! (Helen tries to yank the milk from Jake, causing the car to swerve) Quinn - Da-ad! (Milk splashes on the windshield as Jake stops the car) Jake - Dammit, Helen! What's the problem?

Helen - Get out! I'm driving! Thinking a little milk is going to calm you down? That's the problem! Of all the ridiculous ideas. (she's thoughtful for a moment before taking the milk) Give me that! (she drinks from the carton) (The Morgendorffers arrive at Private Ivy. Living up to its name, the building's faade is covered with ivy. Three staff members in white lab coats are waiting fo r them) Staff Member 1 - Now remember, no sudden movements. (The car stops and two more staff members surround the car) Daria - Uh-oh. Four flew into the cuckoo's nest. (Helen steps out of the car, followed by the rest of the family) Helen - Hello, I'm Helen Morgendorffer. This is my husband Jake and my daughters Quinn and Daria. Staff Member 1 - Oh, so you're Daria. Daria - You've heard of me? Staff Member 2 - Daria, we have a very nice room for you. Do you like eggshell w hite? Daria - Do you have anything in Jim Mack Gray? Helen - Excuse me, what's going on here? Staff Member 1 - We analyzed your daughter's questionnaire, and well, we're a li ttle concerned. (She hands a clipboard to Helen, who reads from it) Helen - Favorite pastime: changing water into wine? (she scowls at Daria) Daria - I knew I should've gone with the burning bush. Staff Member 1 - We think it might be best if we put her under what we call, "In tensive Observation." Quinn - It's about time. Jake - Wait a minute, there's nothing wrong with Daria. Quinn - Yeah, she's always like this. Helen - Quinn! (to Staff Member 1) Our daughter has an eccentric sense of humor, but she's perfectly fine. Daria - Don't listen to her, she's one of the Gamma People. (Staff Member 1 addresses the other staff) Staff Member 1 - Doctors, I think we got our hopes up. Better leave this one alo ne. Staff Member 3 - Can't we at least sedate her?

Staff Member 1 - Sorry. (She walks away, followed by the rest of the staff) Daria - This is gonna be fun. (Private Ivy. Daria is seated at a computer located within one of many small cub icles. She's watching Jane flossing her teeth on Jane-Cam) Daria - A little wider; we can't see all your fillings. (Jane stops as she remembers the camera) Daria - Nice save. (Jean-Michel Millepieds, a handsome young doctor, enters and looks over Daria's shoulder) Jean-Michel - Hello, Daria. I'm your one-on-one counselor. Are you playing a gam e? Daria - No, just talking to the computer. (Jean-Michel takes pen from pocket and begins writing notes) Jean-Michel - Do you always talk to your computer? Daria - Only when the refrigerator's mad at me. (Jean-Michel stops taking notes) Jean-Michel - Ah. You know, Daria, we often use humor as a barrier to prevent ot hers from trying to get too close. Daria - It doesn't seem to be working on you, however. Jean-Michel - What are you trying to hide? Daria - Nothing. I love my mother very much and feel that she'd make an excellen t law partner. (she stands and tries to exit) Oh, dear. I think I hear my ride. Jean-Michel - Daria, why don't we have a nice talk? (Daria sighs) (Dr. Bacon's office. She is seated behind a desk and Helen is seated in front of the desk) Dr. Bacon - All right, Helen. I thought me might start off with a little word as sociation. Red. Helen - Blue. Dr. Bacon - Pen. Helen - Pencil. Dr. Bacon - Mag... Helen - Subscription.

Dr. Bacon - Mag...net. Helen - Oh! Thought you were going to say magazine. Hmm. Magnet. Um, metal. No, wait! I can do better. Dr. Bacon - Relax... Helen - Relax? How can I relax when somebody says "relax" like that? Dr. Bacon - No. Relaxation. It's one of the words. Helen - Oh, um, waste of freaking time. Wait! Can I do that one over? (Dr. Hinkel's office. Jake is reclining on a couch as Dr. Hinkel takes notes) Jake - Isn't someone gonna talk here? Dr. Hinkel - All right. How do you feel about being here? Jake - Hey, it's not my nickel. Dr. Hinkel - Would that be a problem? Jake - Well, considering this is a work thing for my wife. Dr. Hinkel - And, how does that make you feel? Jake - How does what make me feel? Dr. Hinkel - Being here, for your wife. Jake - Fine. Dr. Hinkel - Really? Jake - A-Okay. Dr. Hinkel - How long... Jake - I'm fine with it, dammit! Dr. Hinkel - All right. Moving on. Are you feeling a little stressed? Jake - Stressed? Why do people keep telling me I'm stressed? (building rant) If I weren't stressed, I'd get stressed by everyone telling me I'm stressed! (calmi ng) Any milk around here? I need some milk. Dr. Hinkel - Uh-huh. How long have you had this chemical dependency? (Priscilla's office. She and Quinn are seated on chairs. Priscilla is bored and regularly checks her watch during Quinn's rambling) Quinn - And sometimes conditioners are really more like cream rinses and cream r inses are more like conditioners, but you never know until after you try them, a nd by then, it's too late. Of course, that just adds to all the pressure I'm all ready under. I mean, you wouldn't believe all the decisions I have to make. I w ake up feeling like it's a flat shoe day, but after I brush my teeth, it starts to feel more like a sandal day, and you just can't go on what you're gonna be we aring on your feet...

(Jean-Michel's office. Daria is seated on a couch and Jean-Michel on a nearby ch air) Daria - Mom's resentful that she has to work so hard, which obscures her guilt a bout actually wanting to work so hard. Dad's guilty about being less driven than Mom, but thinks it's wrong to feel that way. So, he hides behind a smokescreen of cluelessness. Quinn wears superficiality like a suit of armor, because she's afraid to looking inside and finding absolutely nothing. And I'm so defensive th at I actually work to make people dislike me so I won't feel bad when they do. ( stands) Can I go now? Jean-Michel - Tell me, Daria. Have you ever been hypnotized? (Priscilla's office. She is falling asleep as Quinn talks) Quinn - And then Sandi went out and got the same shoes I had first, the cute lit tle t-straps with the glitter buckle. And then, Stacy's like, "Sandi, I love you r sandals." Like, Sandi has such great taste or something, when all she did was copy me. I mean, everyone knows I wrote the book on strappy sandals at Lawndale, not an actual book of course, that would make me some kind of an egghead freak. Who do I talk to around here to schedule a facial? (Pricilla drops notebook and snores. Quinn stands and walks to the exit) Quinn - Excuse me. I think I hear an accent. (Quinn exits room and heads down a hallway) Quinn - White shoes...eww. (Jean-Michel's office. He holds a pocket watch like a pendulum in front of an un affected Daria) Jean-Michel (soothing voice) - You are safe and warm in your secure cocoon. Just think of your favorite place. Daria - Anywhere but here. (Quinn enters) Quinn - Ah-ha. Jean-Michel - Excuse me, but we're working. Quinn - Why do you get the French guy? (Daria stands) Daria - You're absolutely right. You take him. I'm going to my cocoon now. Jean-Michel - Wait, Daria. (to Quinn) Who are you? Quinn - I'm Quinn. Daria's...trainer. Daria - Now, that's healthy. (Daria sits) Jean-Michel - I was just trying to hypnotize Daria in order to transcend her res

istance. Quinn - Oh, can I watch? (He motions for Quinn to sit in another chair and goes back to trying to hypnoti ze Daria) Jean-Michel - You are safe and calm, feeling a warm, gentle breeze. Every bone i n your body is relaxing. Easy...easy. (Quinn nods off) Jean-Michel - At the count of ten, you will tell me everything you're feeling wi th no resistance. Quinn (hypnotized) - Oh Caesar, please don't poison me. I could love you, but th ose togas make your butt look so big. Daria - Oh, God. Quinn - And what's with that headband? Olive leaves are so BC. Jean-Michel - Looks like she's experiencing a past-life regression. Daria - You've got the regression part right. Quinn - Help, someone help me! Some king wants kill me for loving some soldier o r something before I've had time to pass on my secret formula for eye liner. Oh Caesar, ya big idiot! Do something! Daria - Impressive grasp of history, but she forgot the part where they all boar d Noah's Ark for a Caribbean cruise. Jean-Michel - Daria, I was afraid you had some rather deep-seated problems. But I must say, you're remarkably well adjusted...considering. Quinn - You'd think someone would've invented eye liner before me. But no, I, Cl eopatra, have to come up with all my beauty products on my own. Oh, what a hard life. (Daria stands) Daria - At the count of ten, I will snap my fingers, and hopefully remember none of this. (Private Ivy computer room. Daria is at a computer station watching Jane-Cam, wh ere Jane is contemplating a blank canvas) Daria - Well, I guess this beats the dental floss. (Man in next cubicle leans over to see. On Jane-Cam, Trent enters, scratching hi s butt) Daria - Don't pick your nose. Don't pick your nose. (Quinn enters) Quinn - Where's Jean-Michel? Daria - I think he's in his office, showing ink blots to Marc Anthony.

Quinn - Why does he have so many patients? (Quinn exits) (Dr. Bacon's office. Helen and Jake are in a session with the doctor) Dr. Bacon - Helen, Jake, let's take this time to explore some of your life-partn er issues. Jake - Issues! I don't want to talk about issues this morning! Helen - Now calm down, Jake! We have nothing to hide. I'm sure our issues aren't any more serious than other highly successful working couple. Jake - That's what I mean! Helen - Right, our issues aren't any more serious. Dr. Bacon - Why don't we find out? Jake, how are you feeling right now? Jake - Actually, I'm... Helen - Because, our commitment to each other is so strong. Jake - Dammit, Helen! She's always interrupting me like my opinions don't count! Helen - But, you didn't say anything! Dr. Bacon - Helen, please let him finish. Jake - Yeah! Helen - Sorry. Jake - Okay. Well...um...that's all I wanted to say. Helen - Doctor, I... Jake - She thinks that just because she's the big, fat lawyer, she can run right over me! Helen - What Jake means is... Dr. Bacon - Helen, we're talking about Jake now. We'll get to your control issue s soon. Helen - Control issues! Jake - Damn straight! She tells me what to do. how to drive, what to eat. She wo n't even let me drink milk if I want to. Innocent, pure milk. Got milk? Not Jake y! Dammit! Dr. Bacon - Excellent Jake, excellent. Helen - Oh, for the love of... Dr. Bacon - Helen, please. Jake - Hey, I suddenly feel...lighter. This therapy stuff really works.

(Jean-Michel's office. He is in a session with Mrs. Johansson) Mrs. Johansson - Maybe I do use food for comfort. But at least a chocolate bar n ever told me I was an accident. Jean-Michel - What did a chocolate bar say to you? (Quinn enters and sits down) Quinn - Jean-Michel? I want to do more of that past-life repression. Jean-Michel - Quinn, this is a private session. We're discussing a very serious problem. Quinn - Oh. A problem? Have you considered vertical stripes? They're a lot more slimming than polka-dots. Jean-Michel - Quinn! Out, now! Quinn - Okay. (Quinn starts to exit) Mrs. Johansson - Wait. Tell me more about the vertical stripes (Jean-Michel buries his face into his notebook) (Computer room, Daria is watching Jane-Cam, where Jane and Tom are watching a co uple eating from a dog bowl on television) SSW Announcer - Could a steady diet of pet food bring out the animal in you? Got a dog dish full of love! Tonight, on Sick, Sad World! Jane - Don't even think about it. (Jane changes TV channel with the remote to "Rock Relics") Tom - Wow, listen to him repeat the same phrase over and over again without fall ing asleep. Jane - Wiggle your butt and lip-synch at the same time. That's star-power, baby. Tom - Oh, yeah? (Tom stands and plays air guitar while shaking his butt directly into the webcam ) Daria - Oh, no. Oh, God. (A woman looks over Daria's shoulder) Daria - This is too painful (Tom turns in horror and looks into the web cam. Behind Daria, a couple has star ted watching) Daria - Oh, look dear, the Kravits's are here. (Tom and Jane argue. Jane cuts the webcam cable with scissors)

Woman - Wow, what show was that? (Private Ivy dining room. The Morgendorffers are seated with Dr. Bacon) Dr. Bacon - All right, Morgendorffers. I've analyzed the data from your individu al sessions and I realized what we need to do. Quinn - Finally, facials. Dr. Bacon - Actually, I think we need to wear each others faces for a while. Quinn - Eww! Like that movie with that guy and that other guy? Daria - Can I do the surgery? Dr. Bacon - No, no, no. I'm talking about a little role-playing. Daria - I'll play the role of the crazed surgeon. (holds out hand) Scalpel. Dr. Bacon - I mean, why don't you try being each other. Daria - Aww. Dr. Bacon (to Daria) - Do you have a problem with that, Helen? Quinn - I think she was still being Daria. Dr. Bacon - Well, why don't you be Daria? Quinn - Oh God, just throw me in front of a train, why don't you? Dr. Bacon - Oh, come on. I can't be that bad, give it a try. Quinn - I just did. Dr. Bacon - Oh. Daria (irritated) - I am not suicidal. Dr. Bacon - All right, Daria. Now, can you be Quinn? Daria - Okay, now I'm suicidal. Dr. Bacon - Maybe the grown-ups can lead the way here. Helen and Jake, go on. Sw itcharoo. Jake - Um, gee, I don't know if I can do this. Well, I'll give it a try. (he ext ends his fingers to simulate a telephone and speaks like Helen) Oh, hi Eric! No, just walked in. I thought I'd make dinner for...what? You have a hangnail? I'll be right over! (Helen nervously laughs and takes a drink of wine) Dr. Bacon - Uh-uh. Jake. Helen - I mean...Dammit! I lost another client, dammit! I can't understand why! Dammit! Nobody likes poor old Jake. Should I think about the reason? Oh, must be my father's fault. Where's the newspaper, dammit! (fakes dropping off to sleep and snoring)

Jake - Look at the time! Gee, dear. You'll have to tell me about your deepest fe ars and worries when I get back. I've got a big meeting, so I better run! Helen - No matter, I'm not saying anything relevant anyway. I'm lost in a fog, w hen I'm not flying into a rage! Jake - Oh, Jakey. Let me bring home the pizza. I have to be the one doing everyt hing so everyone will thank me and tell me what a big superwoman I am. I'm very, very important and very, very stressed and I don't have time to actually do any thing for anyone else, but I can pretend I care, can't I? (Helen's face turns red in shocked embarrassment and Jake sighs deeply) Helen (quiet) - Everybody hates me. Quinn - Are you being Daria now? Dr. Bacon - Stay with it everyone, this is good stuff. (Helen pushes chair back and stands) Helen - I've given everything I've got, but it's just not enough. Well, I've got nothing left to give. (Helen exits) Jake - Helen! Helen, wait! (Jake runs after her) Daria - That worked well. (Daria exits) Dr. Bacon - Quinn, what do you think about what just happened? Quinn - I think this spa would get a lot more business if you just offered facia ls. (Private Ivy parking lot. Helen is trying to get into the Lexus when Daria enter s) Helen - Oh. Daria - Um, Mom, what are you doing? Helen - Oh, I thought I'd just wait in the car until we leave. Daria - Tomorrow morning? Helen - Well, at least I wouldn't be abandoning or ignoring anyone. Or, ruining their lives. Daria - Oh, come on, Mom. Helen - Look what I've done to my family! Your father feels completely neglected and resentful. I've shut you out so many times, you don't even try to talk to m e, and Quinn...well, I can't even think about what happened there, not right now . Oh my God, Daria! You didn't hear that!

(Daria takes out notepad and writes) Daria - Didn't hear a thing. Helen - Daria. Daria - Look, Mom. Dad has to feel neglected; it's how he stays the center of at tention. And the reason I don't talk to you is that I know you'll hang on my eve ry word, and frankly, who needs that kind of responsibility? And as for Quinn, w ell, I can't even think about what happened there. (Helen laughs and stops herself) Helen - Oh, my. Daria - So you get carried away with the job. Big deal. You're just as committed to the family. Helen - I try to be. Daria - You're very grounded, it's why you're half-crazy. Helen - You really don't hate me for working so hard? Daria - I came to this stupid place and pretended to be well-adjusted, didn't I? Helen - Hmm. Daria - Well, anyway. I came to this stupid place. Jake (VO) - Helen! Helen! Thank God I found you! (Jake runs up to Helen) Jake - Look, Helen, about that superwoman stuff, that wasn't me, that was the mi lk talking. Helen - No, Jake. We both said some things in the heat of the moment. Right? Jake - Right. (Helen and Jake embrace for several moments) Jake - Um, what'd you say again? Helen - Never mind. First thing in the morning, we're leaving, and I'll drive. I don't like what that milk's done to your acceleration. Not to mention what it's probably doing to your cholesterol. Jake - Cholesterol? Milk has cholesterol? Dammit, Helen! How could you let me... ? (Quinn enters) Quinn - Hey! What's everyone doing out here? Daria - Sharing a warm, family moment. Quinn - All right, all right. I can take a hint.

(Quinn exits) (Eric Schrecter's office. He's at his desk, reading while Helen stands at the ot her side of the desk) Helen - Look Eric. About that retreat. Eric - Too late, I've already read the results. (reads) "Helen Morgendorffer suf fers from overarching competitive aggression, unhealthy self-involvement, a gros s insensitivity to others needs, and an overriding conviction that she is always right." Helen - I think what the counselors are trying to say is... Eric - Never mind. What I'm trying to say is: congratulations! You're being put on the partnership fast-track. Helen - I am? Eric - Of course! This willingness of yours to put career ahead of family and ho me is just the stick-to-itiveness we look for in a partner. (Puts his arm around Helen) Come on! Let's go to that hearing and kick some woosy ass! I heard their lead attorney took paternity leave last year. Hah! (Helen forces a laugh and sighs as Eric exits) (Jane's room. She and Daria are watching TV) Jane - The way I see it, the failure of Jane-Cam speaks to the inability of the most sophisticated technology to supplant the most basic human emotions. Daria - In other words, the inability of Tom to appreciate the violation of his privacy? Jane - You saw that? Daria - Not just me, the world. Jane - Not quite the world. Jane-Cam only got eight hits the whole time and you were three of them. Daria - It's a small world after all. Jane - Chim-chiminey, chim-chiminey. Daria - You and Tom have made up, no doubt. Jane - We did, until he read the fan mail. Daria - You got fan mail? Jane - Well, Tom did. From some inmates. He wasn't pleased. Daria - Figures, he makes one lousy video, and then forgets the people who made him number one. (Morgendorffer kitchen. Daria is cutting a slice of cake while Quinn watches) Quinn - That's disgusting! Chocolate cake for breakfast?

Daria - It's too early for lunch. Quinn - Dad! Aren't you gonna say anything? (Jake is at table, trying to read a package) Jake - What the hell is sodium hexametaphosphate? (Helen enters and grabs briefcase from counters) Helen - Morning! Gotta go. Big meeting of the future partners. Daria - Thanks, but I couldn't eat another bite. The pancakes sure were scrumpti ous, though. Jake - Hey! How come I didn't get any pancakes? (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Mart of Darkness Episode #409 Written by Rachelle Romberg (Transcript created by Richard Lobinske) (opening theme song) (Lane kitchen. Tom is searching through a cupboard while Jane is at the table, w orking a sculpture) Jane - Oh. Oh, yeah. The magic is happening now. (Tom shakes an empty box, returns it to the cupboard and closes the doors) Tom - What magic? I'm not gonna end up turned into frog, am I? Jane - Fear not, oh Prince of the Suburbs. (Tom crosses room to a bowl full of gummy bears) Tom - I hate it when there's a famine and nobody tells me. (he starts eating the candy) Jane - You know Mom, she doesn't like to clutter up the kitchen with food. Now, all it needs is a little color and, voila! I'll just make the deadline for the a rt fair. (Jane crosses to the counter that the bowl of gummy bears had been on) Jane - You haven't seen my art supplies, have you? I left them here in a bowl. (Tom has a "kid caught in the cookie jar" look while holding the bowl) Tom - Oops. Jane - Dammit!

(Tom sheepishly grins, showing candy-stained teeth) (Quinn's room. She is seated on her bed, talking on the cordless phone and filli ng a drawstring handbag with items) Quinn - So then, Brooke showed up at the party in acid-washed jeans and tried to pass them off as retro. (pause) I know! Who knows what she'll have on at the ba rbeque. Banana clips? (Stacy, in VO, laughs along with Quinn. Quinn pulls the drawstring on the bag an d it breaks) Quinn - Oh no! Oh, my God! Oh no, accessory emergency. Stacy, I have to go. (pau se) No Stacy, it's not you. It's not. It's not! Okay, fine! It is you! (VO of St acy crying) Bye! (Morgendorffer living room. Daria, with her boots off and propped up on the coff ee table, is watching television. On the TV screen is a man in overalls looking reverently at a chocolate bar) SSW Announcer - A vision of Christ in a half-eaten candy bar? Talk about "My Swe et Lord!" The Immaculate Confection! Next, on Sick, Sad World. (The telephone rings and Daria picks up a cordless phone next to her and answers . While she talks, Quinn sneaks up behind her) Daria (to phone) - I'm sorry, but Quinn's in Kenya on safari. Good...oh. Hey. (Jane's room. She's sitting on the floor, leaning against her bed) Jane - Want to go to that new warehouse store with me to pick up some more art s upplies? I hear they've got a state-of-the-art linoleum floor. (Quinn crawls along floor to Daria's boots and steals one) Daria - Thanks, but I think I'll stay here, flat on my state-of-the-art ass. Jane (VO) - Come on, you have to come with me. There's safety in twos. Daria - What about Tom? Jane - Actually, we got in a fight and he stormed out. Took the kids too, the ba stard. Daria (VO) - What happened? Jane - I'd rather not talk about it. (Quinn crawls back with the boot, sans lace, and puts it back where it was. She stands and pulls her handbag closed, using Daria's shoelace as the drawstring) Daria - Then what's the fun of getting together? Jane (VO) - Come on, I'll buy you a slice, after. (Quinn exits) Daria - I guess I can pick up this lying around project again tomorrow. I just h ope I don't lose my momentum.

(Daria picks up boots to put them on and looks puzzled at the missing lace) (Payday warehouse store. Daria and Jane walk across the parking lot to the entra nce) Jane - So, you reached for your boot and the lace was gone. The kid is sick, I t ell you. What could she possibly want with a bootlace? Daria - Maybe someone wore plaids with stripes and the Fashion Club's planning a hanging. (Near the entrance, they look up at the "Grand Opening" banner. A man exiting th e store with his arms full of stuff stumbles and drops a large jar of pickles at Daria's feet, splattering them) Daria - How many slices are you buying me? Jane - Let's just make it a pie. (Thompson house. In the back yard, teachers, parents and teens are mingling for a barbeque. Doug Thompson, carrying a bag of hamburger buns like a football, cha rges out to the very large grill) Doug - Doug Thompson scores and lifts his buns high in the air! (laughs) Hey fol ks, welcome to the annual Lawndale High football barbeque. Grab some food, make yourself at home, and feel free to toss around the old pigskin. And if she objec ts, use a football. (laughs) Ms. Barch - I see where Kevin gets his charm. Jamie - Yeah, Mr. Thompson's funny. Ms. Barch - Oh, shut up. Jamie - Okay. (Mr. DeMartino tries to quietly raid the food table. Ms. Li runs up to stop him) Ms. Li - Halt! Mr. DeMartino, you know very well that you are no longer allowed to consume food at school functions, what with your abysmal behavior at last yea r's bake sale. Loading up your trunk with leftover bundt cake. Mr. DeMartino - Ms, Li. I explained to you at the time that I was merely trying to stretch a food budget drawn tight! Ms. Li - Drawn tight by what? Mr. DeMartino - By trying to make ends meet on a shoeshine boy's salary! Now get out of my way. I want chips and dip! (He plunges his hands into chip bowls) Ms. Li - Restraining order! Mr. DeMartino - Aaaaaauuuggghhh! (Mr. DeMartino holds his head and exits. Mr. O'Neill enters carrying a fruit bow l)

Mr. O'Neill - Was that Anthony? He sounded upset. Ms. Li - Oh, no. He was telling a very clever joke that ends with a fellow falli ng onto a spike! Most amusing. (she looks at the food array on the table) Thank you for picking up the food, Timothy. Now, if you'll just give me the receipts s o I can...so the school can write it off. (Mr. O'Neill gives Ms. Li a handful of receipts) Mr. O'Neill - I must say, it's commendable of the Thompsons to provide us this o pportunity to bond with our students in a relaxed setting. Still, I wonder if Mr . Thompson shouldn't be setting, well, a slightly better example. (Doug is drinking beer directly from the tap of a keg) Ms. Li - Never mind that. I want you to talk to him about Kevin's grades. We can 't afford to have our quarterback suspended for something as petty as academic p erformance. (to self) Lousy, stinking statewide requirements! (Ms. Li exits and Mr. O'Neill weakly laughs) (Doug id at a large grill, pouring way too much lighter fluid onto the charcoal. Mr. O'Neill walks toward him to talk) Doug - Hey, where's the barbeque sauce? You can't have meat without barbeque sau ce! Who's the idiot that picked up the food? (Mr. O'Neill veers away from Doug as Charlene Thompson walks up to her husband) Charlene (whispers) - Keep it down, we have company. (normal voice) I'm sure Kev in will be happy to go get some. (Behind Charlene, Kevin is seated on a swing with Brittany on his lap and the ot her cheerleaders around them) Charlene - Besides, he could use a change of scenery. (Brittany holds up a very cheap-looking heart-shaped pendant) Brittany - Isn't it beautiful? My Kevie gave it to me to show how much he loves me! Kevin - Aw, babe. You're like, worth it. Charlene - Kevin, your father needs you to run to the store for some barbeque sa uce. Brittany - I'll go with you. Charlene - Oh, Brittany, you don't have to leave the party. Kevin is perfectly c apable of bringing back the sauce on his own. Brittany - But really, Mrs. Thompson, I don't mind. Charlene - Brittany, read my lips. Doug (VO) - Yaaaaahhhh! (Doug is at the now lit grill. His right sleeve is on fire and he's trying to pa t it out with his left hand)

Charlene - Damn! (Charlene goes to Doug) Brittany - It was, "Damn," right? (Inside Payday. Kevin is pushing a shopping car past shelves of bulk laundry det ergent. Brittany walks beside him) Brittany - I just love laundry detergent boxes. They're so...happy! Kevin - Wow, these must be for really big machines. Brittany - Anyway, what were we supposed to get? Kevin - Um, I thought you were gonna remember. Brittany - Me? Your mother told you. Kevin - Don't sweat it, babe. Whatever it was, we'll remember when we see it. Ou r memories will go jogging. Brittany - Okay. (Daria and Jane inside Payday) Jane - Wow. I could never get Tom into a store like this. Daria - And some day, he'll tell me his secret. Payday Announcer (VO) - Shoppers, it's twelve noon. And that means...the sample stations are open! (A crowd of customers run to the nearest cart of food samples and start eating) Payday Employee 1 - One per customer. I said, one free sample per customer. Daria - Great. A feeding frenzy, and me without any chum. Jane - This could get ugly. Daria - You're right. I'll go back to aisle thirty and get some lounge chairs. (Daria and Jane walk away from the feeding frenzy) Jane - No time. I've gotta go home and finish my statue or I'll miss the deadlin e for the art fair. Daria - Okay, then. Where do you think they hide the bootlaces? Jane - Hmm. Probably about sixty aisles away from the art supplies. Hey, there's a salesperson, let's ask. (Jane waves at the salesperson) Excuse me, miss? (Salesperson escapes down an aisle, away from Daria and Jane) Daria - It's good to know what they save on air vents, they spend on customer re lations. Jane - You don't do well in overheated, overcrowded, grimy warehouse stores, do

you? (Lane living room. Trent opens the front door for Tom) Trent - Hey, Tom. Tom - Hi, Trent. Is Jane around? Trent - You just missed her. She and Daria went to Payday. Tom - What day? (Jesse enters) Trent - You know, that warehouse store that just opened? Hey, that was a pretty good fight you had last night. Tom - Yeah, sorry we woke you. Do you know where this store is? I figure we shou ld talk. Jesse (looks away from Tom and shudders) - Ugh. Trent - Actually, I could take you over there. I need to get a new headlight. Jesse - Do they have scented candles? I'm all out and I haven't had a bath in a week. Trent - You're riding in back. (Thompson back yard. Quinn, Sandi, Tiffany and Sandi enter) Sandi - This yard is quite unkempt. Tiffany - I know. They should really get a lawn makeover. And, who are all those old people? Quinn - They must be Mr. and Mrs. Thompson's friends. Eww! I didn't know that te achers were gonna be here! (Mrs. Bennett, Ms. Barch and Ms. Li are standing together, and all wearing casua l attire and shorts) Stacy - Ms. Li's legs are bare! (Mr. O'Neill approaches Doug, Jamie, Joey and Jeffy standing at the grill. Doug' s right arm is wrapped in bandages) Mr. O'Neill - Um, Mr. Thompson... Doug - Hey! How are ya? (slaps Mr. O'Neill on the back) Call me, Doug. Mr. O'Neill - Okay, uh, um, Doug. I wanted to talk to you about Kevin. Doug - He's a great kid, isn't he? (turns to the boys) Hey, did you see the game on Sunday? Did the Cowboys kick ass? Jamie - Yeah. Joey - Yeah, kicked ass!

Jeffy - It was awesome, man. Mr. O'Neill - Of course, what's important is not whether you win or... (Doug, Jamie, Joey and Jeffy all frown at Mr. O'Neill and there is several secon ds of silence) Mr. O'Neill - Boy they really kicked, um...butt. (forces a laugh) Jeffy - Yeah, man. They kicked butt! Joey - Yeah, kicked ass! Jamie - Totally. (Inside Payday. Daria, limping, and Jane are walking through the aisles.) Daria - Great, this stupid boot is giving me a blister. (They stop at a sample station that has a sign saying "Try a Cheez Log!") Jane - Cheer up, a little indigestion and you'll forget all about your foot. Payday Employee 2 - Have a Lincoln Cheese-Flavored Log. Made from the finest ing redients. (Jane takes one and offers it to Daria) Jane- Food substitute? Daria - Call me a purist, but I don't think that cheese should crunch. Jane - Doesn't the phrase, "beechwood aged" mean anything to you? (To Payday Emp loyee 2) Excuse me, ma'am. Do these finest ingredients include mercury? Payday Employee 2 - Do you want them to include mercury? (Jane eats it and cringes in disgust) Jane - Ugh. (Jane points past the sample station to the employee she and Daria have been fol lowing) Jane - Hey, there she is! Yo! Wait up! (Jane runs after the salesperson and Daria walks to follow. The stop at a large display of chocolates, where Mrs. Johansson is trying to get a box off of the to p) Mrs. Johansson - Excuse me, girls, but could one of you get a box of chocolates off of the top of this stack for me? I don't want to topple it. Daria - Actually, we're kind of in a rush. Mrs. Johansson - See, my doctor told me not to exert myself suddenly. I had this seizure a while back. (Jane climbs up a step latter to get the box of chocolate)

Jane - Um, sure. Mrs. Johansson (sniffs the air) - Oh, cheez logs! I'll be right back. (Mrs. Johansson exits at a fast walk) Daria - That seemed pretty sudden. (Mr. DeMartino is pushing a shopping cart holding a bulk package of toilet paper ) Mr. DeMartino - Hold out, Anthony. It's almost noon! (checks watch) You can do i t! Kevin - Mr. D! I thought you were at the barbeque. What are you doing here? Mr. DeMartino - I'm sorry if my shopping cart has confused you, Kevin! I'm here for the command performance of Madame Butterfly! In the automotive department! Brittany - Wow, Kevie. This store really does have everything. Kevin - No kidding, babe. (to Mr. DeMartino) Have fun at the butterfly show. (Kevin and Brittany exit) Mr. DeMartino - Thank you, Kevin. (he sniffs the air) Cheez logs! (checks watch) But...but... (listens to watch) Aaahh! Damn, cheap watch! (Mr. DeMartino runs toward the smell, abandoning his shopping cart) (Trent, Tom and Jesse enter Payday) Tom - Look at this place. I can't believe people actually shop here. Trent - Kind of cool, huh? Tom - What would anyone do with that much ketchup? Jesse - Um, put it on hamburgers? (Thompson back yard. Quinn, Stacy, Sandi and Tiffany are seated at a picnic tabl e) Sandi - Gee, Quinn. How are all of us going to use that sunscreen if you can bar ely get any out? Quinn - How are all? Oh, no. Sandi - Quinn, I hope you haven't forgotten that it was your assignment to bring the sunscreen for the entire Fashion Club. Unless, you want us to get wrinkles. Quinn - Oh, Sandi, I hope you don't think that. I've always said your creamy com plexion is one of your most attractive features. Um, should I go to the store an d get some more? Sandi - If, you don't mind. Quinn - Oh, no. I'd be happy to. Sandi - And, since you're going anyway, I'm out of moisturizer.

Tiffany - And I'm out of cran-raspberry lip gloss. Stacy - Me, too. Quinn - Fine, I'll go to that new place. They probably have everything. (Quinn exits. A middle-aged man with a cup of beer sits down in her place) Man - Hi, girls. Sandi - Oh, Quinn! Wait up. (The rest of the Fashion Club follows Quinn) (Inside Payday. Trent, Tom and Jesse at the Cheez Log station. Trent and Jesse a re munching on cheez logs while Tom impatiently waits) Trent - Is this mozzarella? Payday Employee 2 - Is that your favorite kind of cheese? Trent - Yeah. Payday Employee 2 - Then, it's mozzarella. Tom - Come on. We're never gonna find Jane if we keep standing around. Jesse - Hey, man. Trent - It's mozzarella. (Inside Payday. Kevin and Brittany are walking past a jewelry kiosk) Brittany - Kevie, my feet are killing me! Maybe we should call your dad and ask him... (Brittany notices the same pendant Kevin had given her earlier, on sale for $4.9 9) Brittany - Eep! That's...that's my locket! The one you said you bought at Cashma n's! Four ninety-nine! Is that all I'm worth to you? Kevin - They made a mistake! Who put that dot there? It's supposed to say, um, a whole lot more! (Brittany storms away and Kevin chases after her) Kevin - But babe! You see, that locket was only temporary. Until I could save up the money to buy you a really, really expensive one. Brittany - What do you think I am? Stupid? Kevin - Wait. Are you asking if I think you're stupid, or are you just calling m e stupid? Brittany - Ooh! Kevin - Babe!

(Thompson back yard. Doug, Charlene and Mr. O'Neill are at the grill) Mr. O'Neill - Mr...uh, Doug. About Kevin. Doug (drinks beer) - You're right. Where the hell is he? I sent him off an hour ago. Charlene - I'm sure Brittany's holding him up. Doug, that girls gonna get in a f amily way and Kevin will have to get a job and never go to college! Doug - Whoa, hold on there, Momma Bear. I'm sure Kevin will be more careful than we were. (Doug laughs and Charlene scowls at him. Doug stops laughing) Doug - E-hem. Well, what do you think, Timbo? You know Brittany. You think she's the opportunity gets knocked up type? Mr. O'Neill - Actually, I was more concerned about Kevin. Doug - Great kid, isn't he? (Inside Payday. Mr. DeMartino is at the Cheez Log station, eating numerous sampl es) Mr. DeMartino - May I inquire as to what is in these? Payday Employee 2 - Why, the very best cheese alternative. Deep fried in nature' s own cooking oil. At a thousand calories a piece, they're a meal in themselves. Um, sir. Please save some for the rest of the store. Mr. DeMartino - I'm sorry, I must've missed the sign that says "one per customer ." (he eats another) Delicious! (Mrs. Johansson enters) Mrs. Johansson - Excuse me, are these free samples? Payday Employee 2 - Yes. Mr. DeMartino (at same time as employee) - No! (Fashion Club at the front entrance to Payday) Tiffany - This place is so wrong. Sandi - Quinn Morgendorffer, is this your idea of a joke? Quinn - Sandi, no, I've never been to this store before. Otherwise, I'd never su ggest we come here. Sandi - I see. As President of the Fashion Club, I'm calling an emergency meetin g, right now. Stacy - But Sandi, I swear this shirt is a hundred percent cotton! It just looks like a blend. Sandi - Stacy. If you're finished with your unsolicited outburst on fiber conten t, I'd like to call your attention to the fact that we're surrounded by moving f ashion violations.

Quinn - So, we should try to help these people? Sandi - Don't be silly. Some people are beyond help. Tiffany - Right. Sandi - Now listen carefully. We are to proceed directly to the health and beaut y aisle, pick up our supplies, and go straight to the cash register. Unless Stac y wants to tell us what her shoes are made of. (Stacy looks down) Sandi - All right, then. Follow me. (Inside Payday, Daria and Jane still searching the aisles. Jane looks at her wat ch) Jane - Aw, crap. We'll never get out of here in time. Hey! The sales girl! (Jane chases after the sales girl while Daria limps behind. Jane stops and backs up to an aisle. It is filled with gummy candies) Jane - Wow, here's what I was looking for. Daria - Gummy bears? I thought you needed art supplies. Jane - These are art supplies. When you put these babies in a microwave, they me lt into an incredible stained glass-like mosaic. The goop also works as a killer adhesive. Daria - Gee, does it remove pet stains, too? Jane - Scoff all you want, but I'd been sorting them by colors, gathering up com patible materials for weeks, and I was finally all set to make this incredible w ork of art when... Daria - When, what? Jane - When...Tom ate my gummy bears! (Inside Payday. Daria and Jane are walking down an aisle, Jane carries a bag of gummy bears) Daria - So Tom ate them, even though he knew you needed them for the statue. Tha t was pretty inconsiderate. Jane - Well, now that I think about it, I may not have actually told him they we re for my statue, but he should've known! Daria - Definitely, since they were probably right there, next to your paints, u nless he eats paint, too. Jane - Um, the gummy bears were in a bowl on the kitchen counter. But, they were in plain view of my statue! (she stops walking) I don't have a leg to stand on, do I? Daria - I'd rather not answer that, Stumpy. Jane - Aw, hell.

Daria - Look, Tom's reasonable enough. Maybe if you just talked it out. Jane - Hmm. Sounds sort of drastic. Daria - Then, how about this? Serve him some frozen lasagna and tell him you're sorry you haven't been around much lately, but as soon as you get some time off, you're gonna do something fun together and really catch up on each other's live s. Jane - You know, Helen ought to right a book. (sees sales girl) Quick! Before sh e disappears again! (Jane runs to catch sales girl) (Inside Payday. The Fashion Club members are looking at bulk packaged beauty sup plies) Quinn - These containers are so...yuck...plain! And look, the names aren't even French. Sandi - Really. Where are the small, pleasantly shaped bottles? Tiffany - These gallon sizes are gonna stretch our purses. Stacy - But guys! This whole thing is only five, ninety-nine! Sandi - Five, ninety-nine? Like I would compromise my skin with cheap moisturize r? Come on, let's go. (They leave the beauty aisle and stop by the Cheez Log stand, where Mr. DeMartin o and Mrs. Johansson are still eating) Payday Employee 2 - Hello. Complimentary cheez log? Tiffany - Cheese? Sandi - Well, I suppose, if they're low calorie. Excuse me, miss. How many calor ies are in these? Payday Employee 2 - None. None, at all. (Tom, Trent and Jesse at the gummy candy aisle) Tom - Well, here are the gummy bears. but no sign of Jane. Trent - Whoa. Look at all those gummy bricks. We should stock up for our next ro ad trip. Jesse - I wonder which ones have the longest van life? (Thompson back yard. The keg has been tipped over and cups are scattered around. Several adults stagger. Doug and Mr. O'Neill are at the grill) Doug - I can't keep stoking these coals forever. Dammit, where's that kid of min e? Mr. O'Neill - Actually, we could us this little break constructively, by having a talk regarding Kevin's academic performance.

(Doug pulls two beers from a cooler) Doug - Hey, I wanted to talk to you about that, too. Have a brewsky. (slaps Mr. O'Neill on the back) Mr. O'Neill - Ah! (Inside Payday. Mr. DeMartino and Mrs. Johansson are fighting over the remaining Cheez Logs) Mrs. Johansson - Back off, it's mine! Mr. DeMartino - Excuse me, madam! But, possession in nine-tenths of the law! (The cheez log falls in the hot cooking oil on the sample station. Employee 2 in tervenes) Payday Employee 2 - Oh, that's it! I'm down to one log! I've got to go all the w ay to the back for more. I'm banishing you both from this table right now! Go to the tire section and find some nice rubber to gnaw on. Mrs. Johansson (to Mr. DeMartino) - You'll pay for this. Mr. DeMartino - I'm a teacher! Try to collect! (maniacal laugh) (Kevin and Brittany in front of barbeque sauce) Kevin - Come on, babe. Let me make it up to you. I'll get you anything you want. Brittany - Anything? Kevin - Um, sure. (Mr. DeMartino enters) Mr. DeMartino - Kevin, Brittany, I want to ask you a favor. They're, um, only se rving people who's name start with letters in the first part of the alphabet. Li ke "K", and "B." Brittany - But isn't "D" in the first part? Mr. DeMartino - An astute observation, Brittany! But, uh, "M," as in Mister DeMa rtino, is not. Kevin (laughs) - Yeah, babe. Mr. DeMartino - I need to taste the cheez logs for, um, a big student appreciati on party I'm planning in class. Would you mind getting me on or ten samples? Brittany - Sure! (Brittany and Kevin exit, while Mr. DeMartino rubs his hands together, and in th e background, Mrs. Johansson watches and growls) (Tom, Trent and Jesse in the automotive aisle) Jesse - One of those square headlights might look kind of cool. Trent - Hmm. Might not fit my car.

Tom - Might not? Trent, what's the year and model number of your headlight? Trent - Hmm, I bet that's important. (Tom winches in frustration) (Kevin and Brittany bring Mr. DeMartino a tray of cheez logs) Brittany - Here you go, Mr. D. Mr. DeMartino - Thank you, Brittany! Yum! (Security guard enters and takes tray from Mr. DeMartino,, spilling it) Security Guard - You! Out! (He and Mr. DeMartino wrestle) Mr. DeMartino - Hey, you can't do this to me! Thug! Jackboot! By the way, mind t elling me how much you make? (Mr. DeMartino is led away while Mrs. Johansson smirks) (Daria and Jane at the end of an aisle. Jane tiptoes toward the sales girl, putt ing prices on merchandise in a box) Jane - Caught ya! (Girl turns, it's Andrea) Daria - Andrea? Andrea - Well, you found me. Now you can make fun of the pathetic goth chick who se parents make her work at a crappy job in a stupid warehouse store. Go on, cut me up like you do everyone else. Daria - I just want a shoe lace. Jane - Besides, I don't think we could cut you up any better than you just did. Andrea - Oh, shoe laces. Aisle 197b. Daria - Thanks. Um, we never saw you. Jane - We never saw each other. (Daria and Jane exit, Andrea smiles in relief) (Kevin and Brittany at the cosmetics aisle. The cart is now full of stuff for Br ittany) Brittany - Look! A case of rasp-cranberry lip gloss. Kevin - Um, babe, maybe we've already got enough stuff. Brittany - You're right. I probably won't need flavored lip gloss. Seeing as how I won't be kissing anyone anytime soon. (Kevin puts case of lip gloss in the cart)

(Thompson back yard. Doug and Mr. O'Neill are seated on folding chairs drinking beer. Doug has a circle of empty cans around his chair) Mr. O'Neill - Well Doug, I'm shocked (burps) pleased, that you're as concerned a bout Kevin's academic performance as I am. Doug - Damn straight. You know what we need to do? Cut back on things that distr act my son from what's really important. Mr. O'Neill - I couldn't agree more. Doug - Football! Now, there's gotta be some arrangement you can make so Kevin ca n stop worrying about his grades and concentrate on bringing home the state cham pionship. Mr. O'Neill - I'm, I'm not sure what you're saying. Doug - Aw, hell. I'm saying, just pass the boy. Mr. O'Neill - Oh, dear! (Inside Payday. Daria is putting the lace in her boot while Jane looks at herb g row pets) Daria - Remind me to pay for these. Hey, nothing says "I'm sorry" like an Herb G row Road Kill. Jane - Hmm. I hope Tom doesn't already have one. Hey, if we leave now, I might m ake that deadline after all. (Jane takes a Herb Grow Road Kill and they go to the checkout, to find a bunch o f very long lines) Daria - I'm sure we'll be out in two hours. Three, tops. (Daria and Jane get into line several away from Tom, Trent and Jesse. Neither gr oup notices the other) Trent - Those boysencranse straw candles stink, man. (The Fashion Club passes behind them) Jesse - Yeah, chicks like 'em though. Stacy - Uh. Quinn - Eww. Sandi - What is that smell? Gee, Stacy, do you think you got enough cotton balls ? Stacy - But, I'm completely out and this is the smallest bag they had. Sandi - I just hope people don't see that and assume you have a huge skin oil pr oblem. Stacy - Oh, no! (Kevin and Brittany arrive at checkout)

Brittany - Kevie! You really do care. Kevin - Of course I do, babe. Um, babe? I feel like we forgot something. Brittany - Lip gloss, perfume, flowers, I don't think so. Kevin - Cool! (Daria and Jane at register) Daria - Finally, the light at the end of the roach motel. (Mr. DeMartino sneaks up on the Cheez Log stand and tries to take the last log f rom the oil) Mr. DeMartino - Hot grease! Aaaahhh!!! Security Guard (VO) - Freeze! (Guard chases Mr. DeMartino, who trips over power cable for the deep fat fryer, pulling it off the stand and spilling oil into a floor electrical outlet, which causes a short circuit that knocks out power to the entire store) (Jane is just about to hand over the cash for her purchase when the lights go ou t. There is a chorus of complaints from customers about the lights) Daria (VO) - Of course. (Thompson back yard. Mr. O'Neill is backing away from Doug) Mr. O'Neill - Perhaps if I worked with Kevin after school. Doug - Look! Either pass the boy or get off my property! (Ms. Barch runs up to Doug) Ms. Barch - Leave him alone, you testosterone-crazed Neanderthal! Doug - You gonna let a woman fight your battles for you? You whus! Mr. O'Neill - Now, Doug... (Ms. Barch grabs Doug and flips him to the ground) Ms. Barch - Hi-ya! (She continues to pummel him as some in the crowd join in the fight while others run) (Exterior of Payday) Payday Announcer (VO) - Payday is currently experiencing a temporary power outag e. Sales of butane, propane, methane, gasoline and other combustibles will be te mporarily suspended until the sprinklers and ventilation system are working agai n, and we can get the damn doors open. Thank you for shopping the Payday way. (Black interior of Payday) Brittany (VO) - Oh, no! Kevie, someone stole our cart! (pause) Kevie?

Sandi (VO) - Will whoever has their hand on my butt please remove it, this insta nt. Jane (VO) - Daria? Daria (VO) - Yeah? Jane (VO) - Gummy bear? (Daria sighs in frustration) (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Legends of the Mall Episode #410 Written by Peter Elwell (Transcript created by Richard Lobinske) (opening theme song) (Morgendorffer house. Daria and Jane are in the living room, watching television ) SSW Announcer (VO) - It's legal, and tender, but someone's getting shortchanged! Little cross-dressers and the women who love them, coming up next on Sick, Sad World. Daria - If that woman were Judy Garland, this might make sense on a couple of le vels. Jake (VO) - Come on! Darn! Move! You're a car! That's what you do, that's all yo u do! Now do it! Daria - Ah, the eternal struggle between man and machine. Jane - And this time, it's personal. (Cordless phone rings and Daria answers) Daria - Hello. (Jake gets out of the Lexus and kicks the side of the car) Jake - You're nothing but a...a damn radio with doors! Daria - No, Dad and his inner child are playing in the driveway. (Quinn, Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany are standing in front of the Lawndale Mall. Qui nn is talking on a cell phone) Quinn - But, he was supposed to pick us up at the mall. Daria - He's discussing that with the car right now, but the car seems to be say ing, "You're taking the bus." Quinn - The what?

Daria - The bus. It's like a bigger car, only with old men sleeping sitting up, at least, I hope they're sleeping. Quinn - Hello? Hello? (turns phone off) Great, the phone's dead. Stacy - So, when is your father gonna pick us up? Quinn - He's not. Um, someone said we have to take the bus. Sandi - Quinn, no offense or anything, but humor is not your fort. Quinn - Sandi, I would never joke about taking public transportation. Some thing s just aren't funny. Tiffany - I can't believe no guy would give us a ride. Stacy - Maybe we shouldn't make them wait in the car anymore while we shop. Reme mber last summer when Jeffy got all dehydrated and his tongue was hanging out an d stuff? Tiffany - Well, yeah. Sandi - Clearly not enough sunscreen. (Sandi, Tiffany and Stacy begin to walk away) Quinn - Guys, I think the bus is this way. (Morgendorffer kitchen. Daria and Jane are seated at the table while Jake paces) Jake - But I told Helen I'd pick Quinn up. Now, she'll never trust me to do anyt hing again. (imitates Helen) I'll pick up Quinn, Jake, you'll just forget. (buil ding rant) Stay out of the kitchen Jake, you'll just break the stove! Don't poli sh your father's boots Jake, you haven't earned the damn right! Jane - He's not gonna start looking for wiretaps under the floorboards, is he? Daria - No, I think speaking in tongues is next. Jake - And what if Quinn gets lost? It'll be my fault. It's always my fault. Daria - As long as she gets lost with the fashion club, I don't see the problem. Jane - Shallow graves for shallow people. Jake - Well, I'll show Helen. I'll pick up Quinn and make the lasagna. When Jake Morgendorffer says he'll do something, he dues it, I mean does it. Dammit! Dari a, if I don't come back, remember to take the plastic lid off the lasagna if you cook it in a conventional oven. Daria - Oh, father, don't even think such things. (Jake starts to exit) Daria - Are you giving Quinn a ride home on piggy-back? Or taking the horse? Jake - That's right, dammit! No car. Jane - Wait, Trent's got a car, sort of.

Jake - Great! We'll take his car. (Daria and Jane look at each other) Jake - What's wrong? It's safe, isn't it? Jane - Well, it's no Pinto. Daria - Yeah, you have to hit those before they'll burst into flames. (Public bus. The Fashion Club are the only riders) Sandi (to driver) - Excuse me, but this isn't my street. Driver - No problem, just click your heels and say, "There's no place like home. " Only, do it outside, this is the end of the line. (Bus drives off, leaving the Fashion Club standing on a decrepit sidewalk in a r undown neighborhood) Quinn - This place is weird. Tiffany - What was that noise? Sandi - Stacy, you're not wearing those bangles again, are you? Stacy - Of course not, Sandi. (strange noise is heard) Oh, no! It's the Rattling Girl of Lawndale! Sandi - Stacy, everyone knows that story was just made up by unpopular people to try to scare popular people into becoming unpopular. Quinn - What story? Stacy - You know... (Lawndale High School gymnasium. Students are putting up decorations for a Sprin g Dance. One banner reads "Class of 1968". The characters during the scene are i n sixties attire) Stacy (VO) - It was like, a hundred years ago. There was this girl that was real ly cool. I think they said she was a "groovy chick." Anyway, she was popular. Sandi - Like, they way your hanging that bunting is a real drag. Tiffany - Yeah, a drag. (Joey is a the top of a latter, trying to hang the "Class of 1968" banner. Jamie and Jeffy are holding the ladder) Joey - How about this? Jamie - Solid Jeffy - Boss. Quinn - Far out. But it would be farer out if it were higher. Joey - Really?

Sandi - Just a sixteenth of an inch. Quinn - Hey, why didn't you take my word for it? Jamie - Because, she's more with it. Jeffy - Yeah, she's almost perfect. (Sandi scowls. Cut to Sandi's room, with her standing in front of a full length mirror) Sandi - I thought I was perfect. What's almost perfect about me? (Montage of Sandi trying on many different outfits) Stacy (VO) - That's when the whole thing started. She looked at like, every squa re inch of her body, trying to figure out what was wrong. And then... Sandi - It's my eyelids. They're fat! (LHS gymnasium. The Spring Dance has started) Stacy (VO) - So she cut her diet in half, drinking only one one-calorie Tab a da y. And, she lost like, an eight of an ounce, just in time for the big dance. (Sandi appears, looking gaunt) Jamie - That chick is a tangerine dream. Quinn - Oh, no! She's perfect! Kevin - Dig it! (Brittany elbows Kevin) Kevin - Ow! Bummer. Stacy (VO) - And she was perfect. The most popular girl ever. (Sandi walks out into the middle of the floor and Joey approaches) Joey - Can I, um, dance near you? Sandi - Oh, all right. But not too close. I don't want you to block anyone's vie w. (On Sandi's signal, music starts and everyone dances) Stacy (VO) - That was the first time they heard it. (A rattling sound is heard over the music and everyone stops dancing) Kevin - That noise is laying a head trip on me, man. Brittany - I can't groove. Jodie - Who let the Third World Solidarity Club pick the music? Mack - It's not the music.

(Sandi is still dancing, and the rattling comes from her) Brittany - Eep! It's her! (Sandi stops, moves her arm to check and the rattle happens again. Everyone star ts laughing) Stacy (VO) - It was her. I was the rattling of her bones. Sandi - Oh! I'll get even for this! (Sandi runs out of the gym and everyone starts dancing again) Stacy (VO) - And that was the last anyone ever saw of her. (Quinn in bed) Stacy (VO) - But it wasn't the last they'd heard of her! (Sound of bones rattling and Quinn wakes up in fear) Quinn - Ahhh! (LHS corridor, Quinn and Tiffany in front of lockers, both have red, tired eyes) Quinn - It was terrible. I closed my eyes for one second, and there she was, try ing to bite off my eyelids. Tiffany - We can never close our eyes again. Quinn - I know! Not even to take off mascara. Stacy (VO) - She stalked all the popular girls. Even some medium popular ones. T hey were afraid to sleep and their eyes got a bloodshot and icky looking. (Kevin walks up to Brittany) Brittany - Hi! What's happening? Kevin - Whoa! Your face, it's freaking me out, man. (Kevin runs away) Stacy (VO) - Here's the scary part. One by one, they became, (pause) unpopular. (Present day, with the Fashion Club still standing on the decrepit sidewalk) Sandi - Well, I for one, don't believe that story. I mean, everyone knows you ca n't be too thin. Tiffany - Oh, yeah. Were anyone's eyelids really eaten? Sandi - Tiffany, dear. Eyelid consuming monsters simply do not exist. Only an ex tremely gullible loser would believe such a laughable tale. Stacy - Yeah. (forced laugh) (Quinn, and then the others, laugh. A rattle is heard, all four scream and run a way. Cut to a poodle carrying a stick that's hitting against the uprights of a w

rought iron fence) (Morgendorffer driveway. Jake and Trent are in Trent's car while Daria and Jane are standing beside it) Jake - You say this thing's safe? Jane - It's an adventure on wheels. Jake (uncertain) - Adventure on wheels? (laughs) Adventures can be good. Um, you 're gonna steer with both hands when we're actually moving, right? Trent - Unless I think of some lyrics on the road and have to write 'em down. Yo u understand. Jake - Oh, sure! (quietly to Daria) Help me? Daria - Maybe these two shouldn't be left alone. Jane - I was starting to feel the old wanderlust anyway. (Daria and Jane get into the back seat) Jake - But, how are we gonna fit four more people into the car? Jane - It's been done before, and this time, there's no drum kit. Jake (sniffs air) - What's that funny smell? Trent - It wasn't so funny when it happened, but it's a really great story. (Trent's car coughs and heaves as it drives away) (Trent's car driving down road) Trent - That's why you use a bottle instead of one of those little milk cartons, especially when you're driving. (The car sputters and stops) Trent - Uh, oh. Jake - What?! What? What happened? Trent - Janey? Jane - Seven, eight, nine, ten. (Trent pounds fist onto dashboard and the engine restarts) Daria - Nice counting. Jane - I can go all the way up to twenty. Jake - Whew. Thought we were going to be stranded there for a minute. (laughs) Trent - No way. We don't want to be caught out here by these woods. Especially a t night. Jake - Really? Why not?

Daria - Roving bands of embittered squirrels? Trent - Nah, it's because of... (pause) ...Metalmouth. (he coughs) Daria - What? Jane - Metalmouth. Daria - Oh. (LHS metal shop. Mr. DeMartino is the teacher, while Mack, Kevin and the three J 's are students. All are dressed in 1980s fashions) Trent (VO) - Metalmouth started out as a metal shop teacher. Mr. DeMartino - You're assignment: make a shoeshine box. A real shoeshine box! O ut of iron, and flame, and sweat! Not like those sissy shoeshine boxes those ham mer-tapping punks are making in wood shop. Metal! Substance of strength, and hon or! Jeffy - Is the class where you make surf boards? (Mr. DeMartino growls and grinds his teeth) Trent (VO) - But the teacher had this bad habit. He'd grind his teeth. (Mr. DeMartino is at a drill press. Mack, Kevin and two unnamed students watch) Mr. DeMartino - See this? This is a chuck. Done anyone know what happens if you turn on a drill press with a chuck left in it? Kevin - Uh, it'll fly off and hit your head and make it squirt blood and stuff. Mr. DeMartino - Very good. (Other students say variations of "cool" and Mr. DeMartino grinds his teeth.) Trent (VO) - Even when he slept. (Mr. DeMartino is shown in bed, still grinding his teeth and talking in his slee p) Mr. DeMartino - Kids! Varnish in their hair! Makes 'em stupid! (Mr. DeMartino at bathroom sink, preparing to brush teeth. He looks in the mirro r and sees he only has stubs left) Mr. DeMartino - Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Trent (VO) - Until he ground his teeth down to nothing. (Dentist office. Mr. O'Neill is a dentist and Mr. DeMartino is seated in the pat ient chair) Mr. O'Neill - That's the last of them. Now normally, this is where we'd fit you for dentures. But you're a teacher, right? (Mr. DeMartino nods) Okay, then. Here 's some baby food coupons. The strained carrots are gonna take some getting used to.

Trent (VO) - He was kind of hoping that no-one would notice he didn't have any t eeth. But they did, especially one kid. (Metal shop) Mr. DeMartino (lisping) - Ath I wath thaying. Kevin - Yeah, what were you thaying? (laughs) Mack - What do you think you're doing? You're gonna piss him off. Kevin - Hey, he knows I'm just kidding around. Mr. DeMartino - Ath I wath thaying, you may find thith to be of great uthe insid e your prithon thell. Thomething I thee in motht of your futures. Now, can anyon e tell me the difference between a file and a rathp. Kevin - A what? Mr. DeMartino - A rathp. Kevin - Excuse me? Mr. DeMartino - A rathp! (The entire class laughs. Cut to the shop dimly lit by a forge and Mr. DeMartino hammering at the anvil) Trent (VO) - Some say that's what drove him to madness, others say, you know, no . Anyway, one night, he got this idea. (Mr. DeMartino maniacally laughs. Cut to metal shop, with Mr. DeMartino writing on the chalkboard) Kevin - Yo, DMC, watch this. Golly, teach. I seem to have forgotten what you tau ght us yesterday. (laughs and holds up a rasp) What did you say this was? Mr. DeMartino - It's a rassssp! (he grins, showing metal teeth) (Students ooh and ah over them) Trent (VO) - He'd made himself a set of hand-forged steel dentures. Mr. DeMartino - Would anyone care to see my new teeth in action? (He bites a chunk out of the room door, spits the piece out and grins) Trent (VO) - But those dentures had one fatal flaw. Mr. DeMartino - Of course, some of you may take comfort in the fact that the roc ks inside your heads are harder than wood. But, I assure you that...(teeth pick up radio signals) ...girls just wanna have fun! Trent (VO) - They picked up radio stations. Mr. DeMartino - So, if I may return to our discussion on drill safety, this is t he chuck and...(radio reception starts again) ...not the fortunate one, cause gi rls just wanna, they just... (reception stops) Wait a minute. Chucks... (recepti on starts) ..just wanna have fun! (reception stops) That's why you don't... (rec eption starts) just wanna, they just wanna, girls...

(The entire class laughs and Mr. DeMartino runs out) Jeffy - What a doof. Kevin - Hey, I know what's fun. Let's drill a hole in my shoe. (Red Trans-Am parked alongside road. Kevin and Brittany are inside making out) Trent (VO) - Yeah, he was finished at Lawndale High, but he wasn't finished teac hing some kids a lesson or two. Brittany - Did you hear something? Kevin - Um, my lunch? Brittany - No, stomach stuff is gurgly. This was...different. Kevin - Raccoons, baby. Raccoons. (They start making out again and the tune to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" is hear d) Brittany - Oh, I like that song! Kevin - Aww, babe. It's a chick song. Brittany (annoyed) - In case you haven't noticed, I'm a chick. Kevin - Oh, all right. I'll turn it up. Hey, the radio's not on. (Sound of metal scraping on metal) Brittany - Did you hear that? Kevin - Not me. I didn't hear anything scratching at the door. I'm not scared. Brittany - Babe, I... (Loud metallic sound) Kevin - Ahh!!! (Car burns rubber driving away) (Car drives up to Taylor house and stops) Brittany - I'm sorry I got so scared. Kevin - Hey, you can't help it that you've got a female, scaredy-cat brain. Brittany - I mean, now that I think of it, it was all pretty funny. Ha, ha, you know. Trent (VO) - But, she was right to be scared. (Brittany gets out of the car and closes the door. She makes strangled scream no ises as she sees flat tires on the car. While Trent narrates, the view pans to t he door handle, showing the metal dentures hanging from it)

Trent (VO) - Because all four tires were flat. Bitten...to...flatness. And there , on the door handle, a set of steel, hand-forged, teeth. (Trent's car) Jake - Eww. Daria - And the moral of this story is, don't open car doors with your molars. Jane - I don't get it. Why was the same song always on the radio? And, why didn' t he get sports and weather? Trent - Hey, the truth isn't always rolled up in a neat little package you can c arry in your wallet. Daria - Nor, should it ever be washed and re-used. Jake - Daria, you don't think Quinn's lost in those woods, do you? Daria - I doubt it, there's nothing to buy there. Jake - You're right, maybe we should all try to think like Quinn. Daria - Okay, who wants their frontal lobes removed first? (A cottage with lawn elves decorating the yard. The Fashion Club are looking at it uneasily) Stacy - But Sandi, I'm afraid to knock on that door. What if some fat, old man i n an undershirt answers. Tiffany - Brrr. Sandi - Fine, let's go to the next house. I don't like the statue thingy anyway. (The girls walk down the street past several houses, with each one's 'fault' bei ng pointed out.) Quinn - What about here? Tiffany - Striped curtains. Sandi - Cutsie mailbox, please. Quinn - By the time we find a house, we'll be home. Hey, how about this one? Tiffany - Carport. (Quinn sighs and runs to catch up with the others) (Trent's car, steam coming out of the hood, rolls to a stop and everyone gets ou t of the car) Trent - Just a little steam. We'll let it cool off for an hour. Jake - An hour! Jane-o, can't you do that counting thing? Jane - It doesn't work if the car's on fire. Trent - On fire? Better make it two hours.

Jake - Dammit! Let me take a look at it. Daria - Um, Dad. (Jake walks to the hood, and jerks his hands away in pain when he tries to open it) Jake - Hot! Hot! Blisters, dammit! Daria - You try to raise them to think. Jane - Hey, what do you know, the car died right in front of that house. Daria - Not asking. Jane - The haunted house. Daria - Not encouraging in any way. Jane - The House of Bad Grades. Daria - Why do I not bother? (Lawndale street in the fifties) Jane (VO) - This happened back when America was all upbeat, clean-cut and expect ing to be blown up any minute. (Jake helps Daria and Jane out of the surface hatch of a bomb shelter) Jane (VO) - This family had just built your average bomb shelter in their back y ard. Jake - How do you like the shelter, kids? Quinn - It's swell! Helen - Oh, you. You've been showing off that bomb shelter all day. Jake - You gotta admit, it's the best on the block. Helen - I'll give you that, you big lug (she kisses Jake) Now, you all come in f or dinner. Daria - Let me guess, casserole. Quinn - Mom, can't we eat in the bomb shelter? I feel so safe there. Jake - Kitten's right! We can all have canned peaches and evaporated milk! You k now, break the place in. Helen - But Honey, if you eat the food now, there won't be anything left for pos t-nuclear survival. Jake - Ah, I guess Mom's right. Okay, everybody in for dinner. (Daria and Quinn exit) Jake - You know honey, sometimes, you really think like a man.

Helen - Thanks. (Fifties Morgendorffer dining room) Jake - Honey, do I have time for a few cigarettes before seconds on your pork, c heese and mashed potato surprise? Jane (VO) - Yep, it was a different time. Helen - Why don't you have a smoke later; when you tack up the asbestos in the s helter? Daria - You know, if the cold war ends, that bomb shelter's gonna make for a pre tty depressing rec room. Jake - The cold war? End? But then, I'd look like a G-D idiot! Helen (recoils in shock) - Ah! Daria - Let's all cross our fingers and hope they do drop the big one. Only prob lem is, there won't be anyone left to tell you how smart you were. Quinn - I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! (Quinn runs away) Helen - Why do you have to scare her like that? You know how your sister worries about the lack of survivors affecting her popularity. (Daria studying at a desk) Jane (VO) - After a while, everyone forgot about getting blown up, everyone exce pt that girl. Daria - If I'm not getting vaporized, then I'll have to switch to plan "B" for g etting out of Lawndale. College. Jane (VO) - So one night, she sat down to write an early admissions essay. It ha d to be in the mail the next morning. And then... Jamie, Jeffy and Joey (VO, singing off-key) - Oh, beautiful, for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain. Daria - I can't write with all this noise. (Living room. Jake and the 3 J's are in Boy Scout uniforms. The boys continue si nging and clumsily work with drill rifles) Jake - Come on guys! Watch the toes now. (to Daria) Hey, how do you like what th e boys are working up for the jamboree? No-one will ever accuse these kids of be ing Reds. Daria - Don't you think you can protect democracy better outdoors? Jake - What? Can't hear you. (Kitchen. Helen, Ms. Barch and Ms. Li are at the table. All three are smoking, M s. Barch and Ms. Li have martinis, and Helen is picking nuts out of a bowl of je llo when Daria enters)

Ms. Li - One more page of green stamps, and I can get that radium-dial clock! Daria - Mom, there's too much noise. I've gotta write my college essay. Helen - You can do it here, while you help me get these walnuts out of the jello . I keep forgetting the boys don't like walnuts. Ms. Barch - College? Ah, you'll get over that, once you meet the right man. Ms. Li - Or even the wrong one. (The three women laugh as Daria covers her ears) Jane (VO) - And then, she remembered the little house that paranoia built. (Inside bomb shelter, Daria is writing her essay) Daria (VO) - Why I want to attend college. First and foremost, college is not he re. (Fifties Morgendorffer yard. Workmen pour concrete from a truck to form the base of a new barbeque. Jake and Helen, wearing bath robes, watch from inside the ho use) Jake - I got the idea from that Pete Seeger fella on Steve Allen. We're all brot hers! If we learn to live together, we won't need bomb shelters. That's why I'm putting in a deluxe barbeque pit. Weenies for all men, and for you girls, too. Helen - The kids will be so surprised. (Inside the shelter, Daria wakes up from sleeping at the desk) Jane (VO) - That was putting it lightly. You see, the girl fell asleep and nobod y knew she was there. Otherwise, I doubt if they would've entombed her. (Daria unsuccessfully tries to open the hatch and sits down in frustration) Daria - Well, at least I can have canned peaches for breakfast. (looks in utensi ls box) Great, no can opener. Jane (VO) - Then it dawned on her, not only could she starve to death, she might never, ever get out of Lawndale. Daria - Dad, you G-D idiot. (Fifties Morgendorffer yard. Jake and Andrew Landon are at the grill, martinis i n hand) Andrew - You know neighbor, you're right. Weenie roasts can promote understandin g. Jake - Your kids can come to our school any time. They won't even need the Natio nal Guard. (Andrew takes an hors d' oeuvre from Quinn, and then he laughs with Jake) Andrew - You're daughter's a pip, but where's your other daughter? Jake - The one that's not a pip? We think she ran off to be a beatnik. Never sho

uld've bought her those bongos. Hey! Who wants a weenie! Daria (distant VO) - Forget the weenie, get me a damn can opener. Jake - Did you say something? Andrew - Nope. You? Jake - Nope. Maybe we better lay off the martoonies. (House of Bad Grades ages over time) Jane (VO) - Time passed, the family moved away and other families moved in. The wheel of life turned, but it had a major stick in the spokes. (Seventies style kitchen. Upchuck is being chewed out by his mother) Mother - Another "F!" How can I feel good about myself when you're failing every course? And don't you dare give me that tired old excuse. Upchuck - But Mom! The answers were right last night, I swear! Daria (VO, starts with evil laugh) - Another "F?" Way to go, Einstein. Upchuck - Ahh!" (Upchuck runs away. Fade to a modern kitchen with homework on the table. A penci l is picked up by an invisible hand and the answers on the page erased and chang ed) Jane (VO) - You see, the vengeful spirit of that girl remains there still, exact ing her terrible retribution on the living and those not yet born. Daria (VO) - If I can't leave this God-forsaken town and go to college, no-one w ill! (evil laugh) (Daria, Jane, Jake and Trent around Trent's car) Daria - Oh, come on. Jane - Scoff if you will, but every kid who's lived in the House of Bad Grades s ince is working minimum wage in Lawndale to this day. What do you say to that? Daria - Scoff. (Jake spins and waves his arms) Jake - Quinn! Quinn! Over here! Quinn! Quinn! Honey, I was so worried! Daria - This spirit, does she also possess fathers and turn them into public emb arrassments? Jane - Wait, that is Quinn. Daria - There goes my new sewing room. (Quinn and Fashion Club enter) Quinn - Dad, it's you...and some people. Um, anyway, gotta go.

Jake - But, how will you get home? Quinn - Duh, Dad. We're only two blocks away. Bye. Sandi - Gee, Quinn. What was your father and that girl who lives with you doing with that car? Quinn - What girl? I didn't see any girl. (Fashion Club exits) Jake - Two blocks? Jane - Why didn't you realize that? Daria - I don't know. Is that the House of Deteriorating Senses of Direction? Trent - Guess we might as well start walking. Daria - What about your car? Trent - It'll be here in the morning. No-one ever steals it, don't know why. (Morgendorffer kitchen. Jake removes tray of lasagna from the microwave) Jake - Done! Just in time! (Jake sets the tray on the table as Helen enters) Jake - Hi, Honey. See, we're all home and eating the lasagna I prepared. Yep, gi ve old Jake a task and it gets done, by golly! Helen - Hmm, I better get my car to the shop first thing in the morning. Quinn - Your car's broken too? I can't live like this, Mother. Jake - Not that a little auto trouble stopped me from making sure our daughter g ot home safely. Not Big Jake Morgendorffer. Helen - That's nice, dear. You know, it was the strangest thing. I was at a stop light on that road near the woods, and I heard this song, but the radio wasn't o n. And then the door started making the funniest sound. A metallic sound, maybe the door's broken or something. Well, the noise stopped after I drove away, but I think I should still get it looked at. (Helen's SUV in the driveway. There is a set of steel dentures clamped to the pa ssenger door handle) (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Groped by an Angel Episode #411 Written by Jonathan Greenberg (Transcript created by Richard Lobinske) (opening theme song)

(Morgendorffer kitchen; Jake is standing on the table and reading instructions w hile attempting to install a ceiling light; Daria enters the room) Jake- Dammit! Where does it say which wire is which? Daria - Maybe a little light will make things easier. (Daria reaches for light switch) Jake - No, Daria! Don't! Daria - I was joking, Dad. Jake - Was this green one always here? (Daria goes into the living room, where Quinn is watching television; Quinn hold s a tissue to her eyes; on the television is a man changing the front tire on an SUV) TV Announcer - The man who rescued Donna that snowy Christmas Eve was no ordinar y roadside mechanic. The authorities have no record of his existence, but someon e, or something, fixed the tire on her sport utility vehicle. To this day, Donna believes it was... a guardian angel. (Quinn sniffs back tears) Daria - Too bad the angel didn't fix Donna's brakes before she flattened that fa mily in the hatchback. Quinn - You shouldn't make fun, Daria. There are some mysteries that are just be yond our knowledge. Daria - Like the fact that the human ego is bloated enough to believe that the f orce that created the universe gives a crap about our blowouts. Quinn - You wouldn't say that if your life were touched by an angel. Daria - I'd be too busy suing for harassment. Quinn - Daria! Don't even joke like that. Angels are everywhere; they can hear y ou. Daria - Then I'm going to my room so we can talk about you behind your back. (ex its) Quinn - Some people just won't listen to logic. (Lawndale High School; Mr. O'Neill's classroom) Mr. O'Neill - All right, why did the soothsayer tell Caesar to "Beware of the Id es of March?" Who wants to "take a stab"? (chuckles) Kevin? Kevin - Um, because the Ides were gonna do something mean to him? Mr. O'Neill - The Ides aren't people, they're a time of the month. Kevin - Eww, gross! Well, there's your answer. Mr. O'Neill - Oh, class, before we go, Brittany has an announcement to make.

Brittany - I just wanted to tell everyone that my dad and stepmom are throwing a party for me Saturday for getting a "C-" average last semester. There's gonna b e a band and everyone's invited. Even the unpopular people. Jane - Oh, stop. Mr. O'Neill - Thank you, Brittany. I'm looking forward to it. Now, I don't belie ve I have your address. Brittany - Eep! (Lane kitchen; Trent and Max are seated at the table) Max - I'm telling you, these lyrics are intense. Trent (reading) - The universe is a cold, cold place, black and bleak like outer space. The wind chill drops below subzero, it's not no time to be a hero. (to M ax) That doesn't make sense. How can the temperature drop below subzero? Max - What do you mean? Subzero means below zero. Trent - That's what I'm saying. If subzero is already below zero, then how can i t be below subzero. Max - Well, that's even colder. Tremt - Even if it's colder, that's still subzero. Max - Yeah, but Trent, it's the wind chill. (Jane and Daria enter) Trent - Hmm, I'm just not sure that high schoolers are mature enough to apprecia te what you're saying. Jane - High schoolers? Trent - Yeah, we got a gig this weekend at a high school party. Ugh. Makes me fe el like I'm back in high school. Jane - I wouldn't worry about it Trent, unless you suddenly find yourself doing algebra problems. I think you're safe. Trent - Algebra... eww. Daria - Wait a minute. Is this Brittany's party? Max - You guys should come! Trent - We could use the moral support. Jane - All right, but the support will be amoral at best. (Jane's room; she's painting while Daria watches television) SSW Announcer - Back from beyond the grave, and he still won't pay child support ! Undead deadbeat dads, next on Sick, Sad World. Jane - Where do you want to hook up before the C-minus fest? Here or your house?

Daria - Um, excuse me? I believe going to mind-numbing parties falls under the j ob description of "boyfriend." Jane - I'm giving Tom the night off. I want to spend some time with you. Daria - Uh, huh. How long's he out of town? Jane - A week. (shifts into "salesman mode") I heard Mr. Taylor added a faux-all igator carpet on the stairs. (Daria stares wordlessly at Jane; she's not going for it) Jane - A big purple painting of a safari at sunset. (Daria's still not going for it) Jane - Eh, too bad. Quinn would be mortified if you were there. (pause) Daria - One set, then I'm gone. Jane - That's the spirit! Daria - Spirit? Jane - Sorry. (Taylor house; Mr. Taylor drives to the front and stops; he's greeted at the doo r by Ashley-Amber) Ashley-Amber - Ooooh! Lemme see, lemmee see, lemmee see! Mr. Taylor - Back off, woman. This thing's practically crystal, but if it hits t he pavement, it's a big sayonara to a hundred clams. All right, now, get a load of this. (He opens a case to show a glass bullhorn with a "C" engraved on it) Ashley- Amber - Ah, it's beautiful! Mr. Taylor - Look at the "C", in honor of Brittany's grades. Notice any minus? N o, you don't. Figure the kid's earned a little upgrade. I mean, who's counting, right? (Brian Taylor runs over from the house) Brian - I want a present! I want a present! Mr. Taylor - Down, Brian, down! Brian - I want a party, too! Mr. Taylor - You just got one last month. Remember? I took twenty of your damn f riends to the ball game. Spent fifty bucks on corndogs alone. Brian - Corndogs suck! Mr. Taylor - What?! Watch your language, you little turd!

(Brian screams and starts kicking Mr. Taylor's car) Mr. Taylor - Hey, get away from that car! (Brian runs into the house; Mr. Taylor hands the bullhorn case to Ashley-Amber a nd pursues) (Morgendorffer kitchen; Daria and Jake are seated at the table; Daria is eating while Jake reads from a book as Helen brings over a plate) Jake - Well, I'll be damned. So that's why they call it a male plug. Helen - Where's Quinn? Daria - I warned you. Remove those dayglow arrows from the floor and she gets al l confused. (Quinn enters and sits down, reading a book) Helen - Quinn, is that a book you've got? Daria - Sorry to give away the surprise, but in the end, he eats the green eggs and the ham. Quinn - For your information, I'm reading about real-life people who've had enco unters with guardian angels. Daria - Oh, I know that book: Chicken Soup for the Stupid. Quinn - I just finished a story about a family whose house caught on fire, and t he cat saved their baby's life. Daria - Technically, that's a guardian cat. Jake - You know, I wanted a cat when I was little, but my father never let me ha ve one. "Dogs are for boys, cats are for girls." (ranting) Well, you know what, Dad? I didn't want a dog, okay?! Helen (distracting Jake) - Oh, my, aren't those diagrams fascinating. Jake - Yeah! Helen - Quinn, I think it's wonderful that you're discovering your spiritual sid e. (Daria frowns) Quinn - Thanks. I think I'm very spiritual. Helen - Yes, you take after your mother in that. Daria - You work fourteen hour days helping giant corporations find loopholes to skim on their taxes. Helen - See? You said it yourself: helping. That's spiritual. Daria (frustrated) - Ah. Quinn - That's okay, Mom. Daria just can't understand because she's so unspiritu

al. You know, I think I'll finish dinner in my room. I don't want to be disturbe d. Daria - Too late. (Just as Quinn leaves her seat at the table, the light fixture Jake had been wor king on falls from the ceiling onto her chair; Quinn looks on in shock) Jake - Dammit, my fixture! Helen - Oh, Quinn! That just missed you! Jake - I mean, yeah! Are you all right, sweetie? Quinn - Oh my gosh! If I hadn't gotten up at just that second, that would've hit my head. Daria - Or, something vital. Quinn - Someone, or something, told me to get out of that chair. Don't you see? This is proof that I have a guardian angel. (Lawndale High School. Quinn is talking to Tiffany and Stacy) Quinn - And something just pulled me out of my chair seconds before that light c ame crashing down. Stacy - Wow, a real-life miracle. Tiffany - Like in that movie about the bible. (Sandi enters) Sandi - I can't believe Ms. Barch banned phones in study hall. What am I suppose d to do in there for an hour? Quinn - Eeeh! Your sweater! Sandi - Isn't it rude when people try to pretend they don't like something you'r e wearing because they're secretly jealous. Quinn - No, Sandi. I almost bought that exact same sweater, but something told m e not to. Sandi - Could that something be a mirror? Because, a sweater like this only look s good on a very tall and lean figure. Quinn - No, no, no. My guardian angel told me not to get the sweater. He knew yo u already had it. Tiffany - Your guardian angel is a guy? Quinn - I think so. I mean, whenever I talk to him about low-fat yogurt flavors, he seems very detached. Sandi - Quinn, maybe you better stop putting your coats into storage until we kn ow the effects of mothball fumes on the human brain. Stacy - No, Sandi. Quinn really does have a guardian angel.

Tiffany - He saved her life. Quinn - And, he found this earring I was missing since last September. Sandi - But if a guardian angel is supposed to help you, why would he find an ea rring that's so... eighties? Stacy - Gee, Sandi. That's a good question. Tiffany - Yeah, its relevant. Quinn - I guess there are some mysteries that are beyond our knowledge. (Daria and Jane watching the Fashion Club from down the hall) Jane - Guardian angel, huh? Daria - At least he doesn't leave the milk out, like when the Trix Rabbit was st aying with us. Jane - I guess I can count you among the skeptics. Daria - Let's put it this way. In my spiritual universe, if there are guardian a ngels, they don't care if you leave the house in clogs. (LHS cafeteria, Quinn is taking to the 3 Js, Stacy and several others) Quinn - And then, Mr. DeMartino asked me for the answer, so I stalled and said, "Hmm, let me see, Roosevelt's Big Deal, Roosevelt's Big Deal... " and then he sa id, (she imitates Mr. DeMartino) "Never mind! How about you, Corey?" (Listening students gasp) Quinn - I mean, it's like someone knew I hadn't done my homework and was making sure I didn't get caught. Joey, Jamie, Jeffy - Yeah! Guardian angel. Cool! (Sandi and Tiffany have been listening from another table) Sandi - Quinn is so desperate for attention. Tiffany - It's sad, really. (LHS corridor. Jamie, Jeffy and Joey are at their lockers) Jamie - I wish I had Quinn's guardian angel. Mine's just this creepy old aunt wh o'll take me if my parent's die. She smells. Jeffy - Stupid, that's a godmother. A guardian angel is like this dude that foll ows you around and makes sure you don't get into trouble. Joey - Oh, like a parole officer. Jamie - You mean he follows her everywhere? Joey - Yeah, sure. Jamie - Even in the shower?

Jeffy - That pervert! Jamie - He's way too old for her. Jeffy - We should kick his butt! (Nearby, the members of the Fashion Club are talking) Sandi - I don't understand why you're making such a big deal out of this, Quinn. I mean, I have a guardian angel, too. I just don't brag about it all the time. Quinn - Really? That's great, Sandi! What kinds of things does he do for you? Sandi - Well, today in the cafeteria, my angel told me to have the raspberry vin aigrette dressing, because it will make my hair extra luminous. Stacy - I had the same dressing, I wonder if my hair will get more luminous? Tiffany - I didn't. Stacy - Oh. Quinn - But you always eat salad with vinaigrette dressing. Sandi - I'm sorry, Quinn. Maybe you should tell my angel to stop being so consis tent. (Sandi's eyes go wide and she covers her mouth) Quinn - Sandi, is everything okay? Sandi - Uh, I gotta go! (Sandi runs away. Stacy and Tiffany start feeling ill) Tiffany - Oh, I feel really sick. Stacy - Me, too. Quinn - That's weird, I feel fine. Tiffany - I think it was the salad dressing. (Tiffany and Sandi run off) Quinn - Someone, or something, stopped me from eating that dressing. (Daria and Jane nearby in the corridor) Daria - I didn't have it either, but I still feel like I'm gonna be sick. (Lawndale Mall. Brittany and Ashley-Amber enter "Party Planet") Brittany - Thanks for taking me shopping for my party, Ashley-Amber. Ashley-Amber - Are you kidding, I love malls. They play such happy music. Brittany - And they let you try on things. Ashley-Amber - How do you think they make glitter?

Brittany - Hmm. I don't think we've learned that yet in science. Salesman - Can I help you, ladies? Ashley-Amber - Yes. How do they make glitter? Salesman (flirting) - Why, they capture a moonbeam and crumble it up into tiny l ittle specks of magic. Ashley-Amber (to Brittany) - Then we can save a bunch of money by doing it ourse lves. Salesman - Are you seeing anyone? (Morgendorffer living room. Helen is seated at a sofa, reading Quinn's book, whe n Daria enters) Daria - You know, the neighbors can see you reading that through the windows. Helen - I wanted to see what your sister's so excited about. Daria - Why? Helen - Oh, Daria. Must you be so quick to judge? Daria - You're reading a book about cats with wings. Helen - All right, some of the stories are a little far-fetched. Daria - Carrying an amputated animal foot for good luck is far-fetched. Celestia l middle-managers changing the course of human events is ludicrous. Helen - Okay, guardian angels aren't for you, obviously. But what's the harm in Quinn thinking someone special is looking out for her? Daria - Like a heavenly personal shopper? Helen - Daria, why does this bother you so much? Quinn (VO) - Ahhhhh! Daria - Someone just mixed spring and fall fashions. (Quinn runs downstairs carrying a pair of jeans) Quinn - Mom! Mom! I took my new jeans out of the laundry and they have black stu ff all over them. How could this happen? (Jake enters) Jake - Has anyone seen my electrical tape? Daria - I think your guardian angel forgot to check Dad's pants pockets. Quinn - Why? Why would my angel just desert me like this? Daria - Maybe the next book you should be, When Mildly Inconvenient Things Happe n to Shallow People.

Jake - Aw, you can still wear these. There's only a couple of stains. Quinn - Dad! I'm not Daria. Helen - Jake, why don't you tell her you'll replace the jeans, since you're the one that ruined them. (Jake takes money out of his pocket and hands a bill to Quinn) Jake - All right, here. Quinn - You can't buy pants for twenty dollars. (Jake hands her a second bill) Daria - Hey, why can't I get money for new jeans? Quinn - You don't wear jeans. Daria - Well, then I need money so I can bribe a dead guy to be my guardian ange l. Helen - Jake, give them each fifty and don't negotiate. (Jake grumbles and hands out more money) Quinn - So there was a reason for this after all. (she looks up) Thank you. (Quinn exits and Daria looks up) Daria - There's no commission involved here, is there? (Daria exits) (Taylor house. Mystik Spiral is setting up to play for the party) Trent - You see Max, subzero isn't one number, it's all the numbers below zero. Max - So what? Trent - So, the temperature can't get below subzero, because no matter how low i t gets, it's still part of the subzero set. Jesse - Set? Hey, isn't that like, algebra? Trent - Aw, man! Dammit, sound check! (Nick slides controls on the sound board. The resonance causes a cabinet full of glassware to break) Trent - Um, maybe we should turn it down a little. (Daria and Jane walking past the subdivision's guard house) Daria - And now my once rational mother is telling me I should respect Quinn's b eliefs. Jane - Mmm. I suppose the Earth could be flat. Daria - Even that would make more sense. I mean, watch the bloodshed on the even

ing news, and then tell me there are guardian angels. Jane - Well, someone's keeping those dictators in combat boots. Daria - Oh, come on. Jane - You know what's bothering you? You're afraid that it's true. That the Qui nns of the world fit in so well because something really is looking out for them . Everything's already been decided, they win, you lose, and whatever you do doe sn't matter because the end is fixed. So, why even bother? (she stops) God, I'm depressed. Daria - You're right. We better call it a night. Jane - Keep moving, Morgendorffer. (Taylor living room, Daria and Jane look around the crowd gathered in front of M ystik Spiral) Trent - Hey, we're Mystik Spiral and we're here to honor... (reads from card) .. . Brittany Taylor. 'Cause, every dog has his day! Brittany - What'd they call me? Jodie - They... Ashley-Amber -They're cute! Brittany - Yeah! Ooh. (Mystic Spiral plays) Trent - You put me on a short lease, and threw away my hydrant. You ate up all m y kibble, now my coat's no longer vibrant. My nose is dry and chapped, but this puppy's here to stay. Scratch my belly baby, every dog has his day. (Band members howl and bark like dogs as Upchuck approaches Ashley-Amber) Upchuck - I don't believe I've seen your fair figure gracing the halls of Lawnda le High. Ashley-Amber - Oh, I don't go to your school. I'm... Upchuck - Ah, then allow me to introduce myself; Charles Ruttheimer the Third. Ashley-Amber - I'm Ashley-Amber. Upchuck - And may I be the first to put the legend of my amorous exploits to res t? I'm actually quite sensitive to the secretmost stirrings of your heart. Ashley-Amber - I'm Brittany's stepmom. Upchuck (shocked) - Stepmom! (recovers and speaks to self) An older woman, a you nger, willing man. Do I dare to dream? Please, don't be gentle. (Ashley-Amber is gone) Huh? (Joey, Jamie and Jeffy seated on a sofa as Upchuck walks past) Upchuck - Oh, Ashley-Amber... Ashley-Amber.

Jeffy - Do you think that guardian angel dude is here? Joey - Of course he is. Look around for an old guy. (Mr. O'Neill enters) Jamie - There he is! Jeffy - Dude, that's Mr. O'Neill. Joey - Don't you get it? They take human form when they come to Earth. Jamie - I thought it was demons who do that. Jeffy - No, that's aliens, doofus. Joey - Come on, we gotta keep him away from Quinn. (Quinn walks up to Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany) Sandi - Where'd you get the soda, Quinn? Quinn - Oh, Corey brought... um over there. Stacy - I was thinking. If people in really poor countries can't get food, does that mean they can't get diet soda, either? Tiffany - But then, how do they stay thin? Sandi - Stacy, you were what? Stacy - Nothing. (Mr. Taylor runs by chasing Brian) Mr. Taylor - Come back here! Brian - I wanna party too! I wanna party too! (Brian runs into Quinn, spilling her soda on her pants) Quinn - Eek! Mr. Taylor - I'll give you a butt-kicking party, you little brat! Quinn - My new, new jeans! Sandi - Gee Quinn, I hope no-one thinks you had an accident. Quinn - Oh! Tiffany - Brr. Stacy - Yeah, that's so humiliating, you just want to die. Um, I imagine. Sandi - Maybe your guardian angel better give you a ride home, that is, if he ha sn't deserted you. Quinn - No, he'd never do that. He's probably just, testing me.

(Jamie, Joey and Jeffy surround Mr. O'Neill) Joey - We need to have a little talk. Why don't we step outside? Mr. O'Neill - Relinquish our roles as educator and student and seize the chance to "hang out" as just plain friends? That's great, Joey. Jeffy - He is an alien. Mr. O'Neill - No, I'm not, Jeffy. But I understand that to an adolescent, grownu ps can seem "alienating" at times. Now, let's head outside and rap. The sky's th e limit. (They exit and Ashley-Amber approaches Daria and Jane) Ashley-Amber - Gee, I don't remember seeing you guys before. Are you friends of Brittany? Jane - Brittany? Ashley-Amber - You know, the person for whom this party is for! Daria - Party? Ashley-Amber - Yes, party. For Brittany, because she's become and honor student. Jane - Brittany? (Crowd gathered around Mystik Spiral) Trent - Thank you. We're, um, never mind who we are. Mr. Taylor wants to say som ething. (Mr. Taylor enters and picks up microphone. Brittany and Kevin also step forward ) Mr. Taylor - Hey kids! We have a little present for Brittany, to show her how pr oud we are. Bring it out, Ashley-Amber. (Ashley-Amber carries the case out and presents it to Mr. Taylor) Mr. Taylor - Brittany baby, this is for you. Brittany - Oh, Daddy! Thank you! (Brittany picks up the bullhorn) Brittany - What is it? Kevin - Um, babe, it's a hat. Mr. Taylor - No, it's a bullhorn. You know, for cheerleading. Genuine near cryst al. Borrowed again from Brian's college fund, but you're worth it. Brittany - Wooo! (Quinn leans against the soundboard and wipes her pants with a paper towel. Whil e doing that, she accidentally moves a control, which starts a resonance tone in the band instruments. Nick rushes up)

Nick - Hey, you're leaning on the mixing board! (The bullhorn shatters from the resonance) Mr. Taylor - My bullhorn! (Everyone looks at Quinn) Quinn - Sorry. I'll buy a new one. I promise. Sandi - Some guardian angel. He didn't even stop you from destroying that... ite m. Quinn - I, I, oooh! Where's my angel? (Sandi smirks as Quinn cries and runs away) Daria - I guess now isn't the best time to break the news about the Tooth Fairy. (Morgendorffer living room. Quinn is lying on a sofa, watching TV) TV Announcer (VO) - But aesthetics alone don't account for the silo's round shap e. You see, if... (Daria enters) Daria - Um, Quinn, you're watching an educational program. Quinn - Mm. What's the difference? My angel's gone. Daria - Maybe, he's just stuck in the engine of a jumbo jet. Quinn - Right. You know, I know that guardian angels sound like a dumb idea, but once I started believing in them, it felt really nice. Like there was someone p ut here just to do things for me. Daria - You mean, besides the entire male population of Lawndale High. Quinn - It's not the same thing. Daria, you're smart, right? Daria - Well, I'm no Brittany Taylor, but the occasional electric impulse does s hoot through my brain. (Helen comes down the stairs, stops and listens) Quinn - If there are no guardian angels, what do you believe in? Daria - I guess I believe in treating people the way you'd want to be treated. Quinn - But, there's nothing watching over us? Nothing keeping track? Daria - Well, there's the IRS and those guys with the black helicopters. Quinn, until I see some pretty convincing evidence to the contrary, I think we're on ou r own. Quinn - But, but, that's so sad. Daria - Um, then again, I don't have any proof that there isn't something out th ere.

Quinn - But what about the bullhorn? Daria - Maybe the angel didn't think saving an overpriced, undeserved knickknack was the most efficient use of his time. Quinn - Yeah! Maybe angels only get involved with really big stuff. He was proba bly playing his string thing when the bullhorn broke and didn't even hear it. Th at makes sense, right? Daria - I think what makes sense is to believe whatever makes you feel best. Quinn - You know what? I'm gonna stop relying on my angel so much for little thi ngs and let him do his important stuff and just know that if I need him for anyt hing really critical, like a complexion crisis or an unanticipated weight gain, he'll be there. Thanks, Daria. (Quinn exits and Helen walks up) Daria - Don't mention it. Helen - Quinn seems to be doing better. Daria - Don't blame me, I tried to make her cry. Helen - I think it's very sweet when someone puts aside her own strong feelings just to comfort someone else. Daria - Sweet? Officer, you've got the wrong guy. Helen - Okay, Daria. Whatever makes you feel best. (LHS corridor. Quinn, Stacy, Sandi and Tiffany are walking) Quinn - And then Bradley said, "If you're too busy for real date, how about a cy berdate?" And I said, "Not until the make cyber-French restaurants, buster." (sh e laughs) I said "buster." Can you imagine? (Daria and Jane at lockers when the Fashion Club passes) Jane - Little Miss Spiritual Crisis seems to have recovered from losing her ange l. Daria - Yeah, I knew her suffering wouldn't last. Jane - The good times never do. Daria - Well, at least we got to see a grown man try to make a bullhorn from a p ile of broken glass. Jane - And, I got to meet Amber-Ashley. Daria - You mean, Ashley-Amber. Jane - Right. How is it that she looks and acts exactly the same age as her own stepdaughter. Daria - Hey, there are some mysteries that are just beyond our knowledge. (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Fire! Episode #412 Written by Peggy Nicoll (opening theme song) (at the Morgendorffer house) (in the wee hours of the morning, Jake walks into the kitchen and starts rummagi ng through the refrigerator) Jake - "Of course it's decaf!" Damn sadistic waiter. I should have stiffed him w hen I had the chance! (grabs milk and heads to the counter; he turns on the stove and sets a pot on a burner, intending to make himself a glass of warm milk; he then proceeds to knoc k over the milk carton) Jake - Damn milk! (grabs paper towel from roll on the side of the counter, stretching it over the stove) Jake - Grr... (the milk on the floor causes him to slip, hitting his chin on the counter with a grunt) Jake - Damn it! Where does Helen hide the mop? (he heads to the utility closet, not noticing that the paper towel has caught fi re) Jake - (sniffing) Funny, I could swear I smell smoke. (screams when he sees the stove on fire) Fire! Fire! (in the master bedroom) Helen - (on phone, sleepily) No, Eric, it's only 1:00 a.m. Of course you didn't wake me. Jake (O.S.) - Fire! Fire! Helen - Oh, my God, Eric, the house is on fire! I'll have to call you back! (ver y slight pause) No, I don't know when! (very slight pause) No, you can't hold! (in Daria's room) Jake - Daria! What are you doing in bed when the house is on fire?! Daria - (puts glasses on) Um, trying to find out if these blankets are flame-ret ardant? Jake - Well, do it later! Come on! Out of the house! (grabs Daria and runs out o f the room)

(in Quinn's room) (Quinn is rummaging frantically through her dresser while talking on the phone) Quinn (into phone) - Sandi, this is terrible! I don't even have time to pack, an d I can't run out of the house looking like this! Helen - Quinn! Come on! (grabs phone) Quinn - But... (gets pushed out of the room) Helen (into phone) - Sandi? She'll have to call you back. (very slight pause) No , I don't know when! (outside, the Morgendorffers and their neighbors watch the fire department do th eir stuff) Helen - Jake, leaving paper towels by an open flame? What's wrong with you?! Daria - Mom's right. Kerosene would have been much more effective. Helen - What were you thinking?! Jake - Well, I remember thinking, "Damn it, damn waiter with his damn phony deca f." Then I was thinking, "I need some damn milk..." Helen - Oh, never mind. (later in the day, the family and an insurance adjustor inspects the damage) Adjustor - Luckily it's mostly just smoke damage, but we'll still have to repain t upstairs and down. I'd say we're looking at two weeks. Helen - Two weeks? Adjustor - Meanwhile, your policy allows you to stay in a hotel on a per diem. T he Dutchman Inn would be in budget. Quinn - The Dutchman Inn? That place with the giant clog?! (in Jake's car) Jake - Come on, everyone, cheer up! Staying in a hotel won't be so bad. Daria - That's what they said at the Hanoi Hilton. Quinn - Where's that? Helen - All I can say is, it's a good thing Le Grand Hotel is one of your client s so we could get a discount. Daria - Although I can never forget that giant clog and what might have been. Jake - Yeah, getting us in there kind of makes up for me almost burning down the house, you know? (chuckles) Say, wasn't there a song like...? Helen - Just drive! (the car pulls up to the front door of Le Grand Hotel; a bellhop comes out the d oor with a luggage cart just as the Morgendorffers get out of the car)

Bobby - Welcome to Le Grand Hotel. I'm Bobby, and I'm here to assist you with al l your needs. Daria - In that case, I'll have a pizza and an isolation tank. Helen - It's been a long day. (enters the hotel) Daria - Which promises to turn into an even longer night. (follows Helen inside) (at the car, Jake is struggling with the luggage) Bobby - Please, let me get that for you. Jake - Thanks, fella! Quinn - Yeah, thanks! (Bobby grabs Quinn's luggage and heads for the entrance, leaving Jake to struggl e with the large suitcase) Jake - (grunting) Lousy... damn... (screams as he's pinned to the ground by the heavy bag) Bobby? (Bobby escorts Quinn to her room) Bobby - You know, my uncle's the manager of this hotel. Quinn - Really? Bobby - Yeah, so if there's anything you need anything at all, just let me know. Quinn - You mean, like, say, if I wanted a soda... Bobby - I'll get you a case. (in Helen and Jake's room) (Jake sets down his suitcase with a grunt as the bellboy sets down the others) Jake - Look, Helen, a dimmer switch! Daria - That'll make her forget the fire. Helen - Jake... Jake - Oh, yeah! Hey, thanks, pal! Don't spend it all in one place! (hands the b ellboy a dollar) Bellboy - Thank you for your generosity, sir. (leaves, with Daria right on his h eels) Jake - (sitting on bed) You know, hotel living could be a nice change of pace. Helen - Unless you burn this place down, too. Jake - Damn it, Helen, it was an accident! (Helen starts dialing the office on her cellphone)

Jake - Of course! Now that you've finished raking old Jake over the coals, it's time to ignore him all night by talking about some big case. Well, just go ahead ! Helen - Oh, and I suppose you have something better in mind? (they stare at each other for a moment, then Helen tosses the phone over her sho ulder and leaps into Jake's arms) (in Quinn's room) (Bobby continues to preen over Quinn) Bobby - ...and there are 25 different movies to choose from. Do, um, you and you r boyfriend like to watch movies? Quinn - Actually, I don't... (Quinn turns to see Daria entering the room, followed by the bellboy) Daria and Quinn - We have to share?! (at the Lane house) (Tom and Jane are sitting on the couch, trying to decide on a movie) Jane - How about Screecher II? I heard those blood-sucking eyeballs look really cool when they burst. Tom - Actually, I'm kind of in the mood for a movie with a plot. Hey... Daria le ft me a message about a Fellini film festival. Jane - Oh, yeah? You gave Daria your number? Tom - You did. So we could go rescue her from "mother/daughter bonding day"? Jane - Right, right, right. Tom - I guess she remembered the debate we got into on Fellini's symbolism. Jane - I do, too -- one of the best naps I ever had. Tom - Hey, the cinema can be more than bursting eyeballs. Jane - "The cinema?" Tom - Look, do you want to see La Dolce Vita? Jane - I think I'll pass. Tom - Fine. (Jane grabs the remote and turns on the TV; there's a distinct chill in the air between her and Tom) SSW Announcer - Is there really a secret underwater railroad smuggling flounder to freedom? Get on board the sole train, tonight on Sick, Sad World! (at the hotel, in Quinn and Daria's room)

(Daria is flipping through the TV channels while Quinn is on the phone with Sand i; she lands on the hotel's promotional channel) Narrator - ...or sharpen your golf game on one of our three 18-hole courses. Quinn - Yeah! And they have the satiny padded kind of hangers so your clothes wo n't get hurt! Daria - In fact, it's the same satiny padding that's inside my head. Sandi (on phone) - Who was that? Quinn - Oh, um, just the maid. (sets receiver down on bed and picks up wall phon e) Maid, you can hang up the other phone now. Oh, wait! (hangs up wall phone and grabs phone inside bathroom) Maid, dear! Hang up the other phone, please! (phon e clicks off) Guess where I am now, Sandi? (knock on door) (Daria opens the door to see Bobby holding a room service tray; his face falls w hen he sees it's not Quinn) Daria - Relax. She's in the bathroom, marveling at its many wonders. Bobby - Cool! (sets tray on table and removes lid) Hey, is Quinn, you know, seei ng anyone? Daria - Just a dermatologist for that rash. Bobby - Hi, Quinn! Quinn - Hi. (Daria hands Bobby a tip) Bobby - Oh, no, I couldn't. Daria - (takes money back) Well, bye, then. Bobby - See you around, Quinn. (leaves) (Daria starts to eat her hamburger) Quinn - Eww! You're not really gonna eat all that fat, are you? Daria - No, I'm going to stick it in my boots 'cause I love the squishy, squishy feeling 'round my toes. Quinn - Eww! Daria, you're making me nauseous! (with a sigh, Daria starts to pack her suitcase) Quinn - What are you doing? Daria - Going to stay at Jane's. Quinn - Like Mom and Dad would let you do that. Of course, for $20... Daria - Ten.

Quinn - Fifteen, but that's my final offer. (phone rings; Daria answers) Daria - Hello. Quinn's sister speaking. (Quinn practically leaps the entire length of the room in order to grab the phon e from Daria's hand) Quinn - Fine! Just go. (Daria leaves as Quinn continues talking) Quinn - ...no, that was the maid. I think she got into the mini-bar. Hey, did I mention they have melba toast? (at the Lane house) (Daria knocks on the door; Jane answers) Jane - Daria? (Daria follows Jane into the living room; Tom and Trent are lounging on the couc h) Tom - Hey, Daria. Daria - Hey, Tom. Trent. Trent - Hey, Daria. Jane - Let me guess... Daria - They made me share a room with Quinn. Jane - They tried to break you, damn it! Daria - I'm okay. I got out before she applied the eyelash curler. Look, do you mind if I stay here tonight? I'm afraid if I go back, I'll make a lethal weapon out of the complimentary corkscrew. Jane - Um, sure. Why not? Tom - Hey, why don't the four of us get some pizza? Daria - I am low on vitamins. Trent - Can't. Practice starts at 7:00. Jane - Trent... it's 9:00. Trent - Hmm. I better head out. (leaves) Jane - Okay. Tom - See you. Daria - See you later. Tom - Ready?

Jane - Excuse me, did I say I wanted to go out for pizza? Tom - Um, but you do, right? (Jane crosses her arms) Daria - On second thought, you kids go. I've had enough excitement for today, wh at with losing my childhood home and all. Jane - Well, let me show you to your suite. (Jane and Tom escort Daria to Penny's old room; it's decked out in various art t hings) Tom - Nice wind chime. Jane - Actually, it's a "room" chime. One of Penny's brainstorms. Speaking of Wi nd, I'd put you in his room but I'm afraid he'd turn up in the middle of the nig ht in tears, asking your advice on marriage. Daria - And if I mistook him for a burglar and shot him, what kind of guest woul d that make me? (Tom laughs; Jane quickly grabs his arm to lead him out of the room) Jane - Anyway, we won't keep you. See you in the morning! Daria - Thanks. Tom - Bye, Daria. (Jane shuts the door as they leave, causing the "room chime" to fall to the grou nd) Daria - I know exactly how you feel. (back in the living room, Jane heads to the door while Tom sits on the couch) Jane - I thought you wanted pizza. Tom - Actually, I'm not that hungry after all. Jane - (quietly) Okay, guess I've lost my appetite, too. (at school) (in Mr. O'Neill's class) Mr. O'Neill - Now, as you mull over the title, The Red Badge of Courage, who bes ides me hears the Cowardly Lion in your head singing "If I only had the noive?" (laughs) Oh... (bell rings) (in the hallway) Jane - So, shall we expect you back at Casa Lane tonight? Daria - I'm hoping Quinn's calmed down about the free Q-Tips by now and I can se

ttle back in at the hotel. Jane - Well, if you think so... (Quinn rushes up to Daria) Quinn - Daria, I just wanted to be sure you're not coming back to the room. The Fashion Club will be holding emergency meetings all week on faux-tanning lotions and I don't want you to do anything embarrassing, like show up. Daria - Wait a... (Quinn spots the Fashion Club rounding the corner) Quinn - Um... sure! I'll be happy to give to your charity, out-of-town volunteer worker. Just put me down for my usual amount. Bye! (leaves) Daria - (sighs) Can I stay with you a couple more nights? Jane - Um, sure. No problem. No problem at all. (at Le Grand Hotel) (a waiter starts to bring a menu to a couple, but spots Tiffany and goes to her instead) Woman - Hey! Waiter - Hi, Tiffany, what can I get for you? Tiffany - Hmm... fruit cup or fruit plate...? (a waiter starts to bring an umbrella to a heavyset woman, but spots Stacy and g oes to her instead) Waiter - Hi, Stacy. Stacy - Hi! Woman - Hey! That's supposed to be my umbrella! Sandi - Excuse me, but some people should not go out of the house without a muum uu. Quinn - I know! It's like she's not even worried about offending us. Tiffany - Oh....talk about offensive... (in the pool, Helen is cheering Jake on) Helen - Go, Jakie! Jake - Bottoms up! (does a cannonball off the high dive) Helen - Yay! Fashion Club (in unison) - Eww! Stacy - Quinn, isn't that your parents?

Quinn - It looks like them in this haze, doesn't it? Tiffany - Haze? Quinn - Bobby! (Bobby arrives, carrying a room service tray) Bobby - I thought you and your friends could use some refreshments so I pulled a few strings in room service. Quinn - Bobby, that is so sweet. Bobby - I'll see you around? Quinn - Sure. (Bobby leaves) Stacy - Quinn, he is so cute! Tiffany - Yeah... cute... Sandi - Well, sure... if you like that bellboy look. (at the Lane house) (Daria enters Jane's room to the sound of loud drilling: Jane working on a woode n sculpture) Daria - Hey! (drilling stops) Feel like getting something to eat? Jane - Another time. I want to finish this sculpture before Tom gets here. That crazy kid just doesn't appreciate the whir of a high-speed drill. Daria - I guess he's never had a good root canal. Mind if I hang out? Jane - Be my guest. Oh... by the way, uh, thanks for leaving that message on Tom 's machine about La Dolce Vita. Daria - Hey, watching a dead fish wash up on shore always puts me in a good mood . Jane - But you know, you don't have to go to all the trouble of calling Tom. I'm always happy to pass messages along. Daria - Sure. I just... (Jane resumes drilling; Daria gets the hint and leaves) (later, someone knocks on the door to Daria's room) Daria - Come in. (Tom enters) Tom - Hey, The Prince. Planning on taking over a country? Daria - Well, not now that you've ruined the surprise.

Tom - It's just as well. You go to all the trouble of plotting a revolution, que lling the masses, and brutally killing your enemies, and what does it get you? (Trent walks past the door and hears Tom and Daria talking) Daria - A glass coffin surrounded by tourists and necrophiliacs? Tom - I knew you'd find the upside. (both laugh) (at Le Grand Hotel) (the Fashion Club, wearing robes, is walking back to Quinn's room, when Bobby in tercepts them) Quinn - Bobby! What are you doing here? Tiffany - I think he works for the hotel. Bobby - Have I got a surprise for you! (pulls out a room key) (Bobby lets them into a large suite) Bobby - Welcome to the Presidential Suite -- your new home away from home. Quinn - Wow, Bobby, it's really cute and all, but I don't think the insurance co mpany will pay for this. Bobby - No problem. My uncle says this room won't be booked for another two week s, so I've upgraded you for free. Quinn - Gee, how can I ever repay you? Bobby - How about letting me take you out to dinner Saturday night? Quinn - Well... okay! Bobby - Great. I'll see you later. (leaves) Quinn - Let's check out the makeup mirrors! Stacy - Oh, yeah, let's! I bet they're huge! (as the three girls head to the bathroom, they notice that Sandi has stood her g round) Quinn - Sandi? What's wrong? Sandi - Gee, Quinn... you know that I would never say anything to upset you, but you're my friend and I worry about your safety. And if I were in your position, I'd want to know if I were being stalked. Quinn - Oh, Sandi, I'm not being stalked. Sandi - Oh, no? Then how come Bobby always knows where you are? It's like he's w atching you with binoculars or something. (Stacy and Tiffany gasp)

Quinn - Sandi, Bobby is not a stalker. Sandi - Oh... okay. (at the Lane house) (Daria and Tom are still talking) Tom - Personally, I always had a soft spot for Stalin. Any dictator who changes his name from Dzhugashvili to "Man of Steel" has my vote, so to speak. Daria - Come on, you and I both know he only did it so his name would fit on his luggage tags. (Tom laughs as Jane enters the room; she's less than pleased) Jane - There you are! I was just about to call your house to see where you were. Tom - Because I'm ten minutes late? (Tom looks at his watch as Jane clears her throat) Tom - Wow, 7:00. Sorry. Guess I lost track of the time. Jane - What was so fascinating? Daria - We were talking about The Prince's influence on Lenin, Trotsky, and Ms. Li. Jane - Sorry I asked. Tom - Hey, did you know Stalin had Trotsky killed with an ice pick to the skull? Daria - Good thing they didn't put him in a glass coffin. (both laugh, then Tom clears his throat when he catches the look on Jane's face) Jane - Anyway, Tom, I'll be down the hall whenever you guys are finished with mo rgue chat. (leaves) Tom - I'd better go. Daria - Yeah. (as Tom leaves, Daria steals a glance over her shoulder) (at school) (the Fashion Club is walking down the hall) Quinn - ...and I can't figure out if I should wear a mauve shell with my silk ca pris, or a silk shell with my mauve capris... Sandi - I guess that depends where the stalk... Bobby is taking you. Quinn - I think he said C'est La Veal. Stacy - Wow! That place overlooks the lake! It's so romantic! Tiffany - Yeah... romantic.

Sandi - Yes. Say, I just had a funny thought. Have you ever noticed that that bi g cliff there would be the perfect place to dump a body? (Quinn chuckles uneasily) (in Ms. Defoe's class) (Jane is stabbing the canvas with her brush) Ms. Defoe - Jane, while art is a time-honored way to give expression to strong e motions it shouldn't be at the expense of your canvas. (Jane makes one final stab that punches through the canvas, which she follows up with a jagged diagonal slash) Jane - What? Ms. Defoe - Um... never mind. (walks away) (Jodie approaches and looks at the shredded canvas) Jodie - Bad week? Jane - Why is it your business?! Jodie - It's not. (leaves) Jane - Hey, wait! (runs after Jodie) (in the hall) Jane - Tom and I were meant for each other. We'd sit in front of the TV, make fu n of whatever we saw -- it was the perfect relationship. Jodie - You're just joking when you say that, right? Jane - But when he and Daria start debating and going on about all that stuff th ey've read... all of a sudden, it's like he's from a different planet. (Kevin, Mack, and the Three J's run down the hall) Mack - Okay, go for a long one! Kevin - Yo! I'm open! Jodie - I know the feeling. Jane - You ever worry that you and Mack are drifting apart? Kevin (O.S.) - Over here, Mack daddy! Mack (O.S.) - Quit calling me that! Jodie - With all my extracurricular activities, I don't see him enough to drift apart. (the boys crash into a wall) Jodie - All in all, not a bad system.

(Jane spots Daria rounding the corner) Jane - Um, I need to stop in here. See ya! (quickly ducks into a classroom) Jodie - Bye. (at Le Grande Hotel) (Quinn is talking to Helen and Jake, who are relaxing by the pool) Quinn - ...so I said we can't just start thinking every guy who follows us aroun d is a stalker, because the whole Fashion Club philosophy is built on getting gu ys to follow us around. And Sandi said... (imitating) "Gee, Quinn, I never knew stalking was in the eye of the beholder."... but I think she got stalkers mixed up with peeping Toms, which is like a whole other thing altogether, right? (pull s sunglasses off Helen's head) Right?! Helen - Stalker? You have a stalker? Quinn - Mo-om, I said he's not a stalker, he's just enthusiastic! Helen - Oh, okay. Jake, did you hear that? (pulls Jake's sunglasses off) Honey? Quinn says she doesn't have a stalker. Jake - Stalker? Hmm... I hope it's not one of those cannibal guys with the moths . Maybe we should all go into the house. Where's Daria? Where's the house? Helen - It's being painted, Jakey, remember? Where is Daria? Quinn - Um, she said she was going to be at that friend of hers' working pretty late on that project. Anyway... Helen - Oh, that's nice... what project is that? Quinn - Mom! I can't know everything. I'm not my sister's beeper! (Helen and Jake put their sunglasses back on and resume their relaxation) (at the Lane house) (Jane walks into her bedroom and sees Daria standing in the middle of the room) Daria - Jane? Jane - Hey, Daria! Daria - What's going on? Jane - What do you mean? Nothing. Daria - Right. You always duck into empty classrooms when you see me coming. Jane - So you finally noticed, eh? (pause) Okay. Um, I'm happy you and Tom have been hitting it off so well. Really. But, see, Tom and I aren't hitting it off s o well, and whether you mean to or not, you're making things worse. Daria - What do you mean, "whether I mean to or not?" Jane - Come on, Daria, you gotta admit you have a tendency to monopolize his tim

e. Daria - Excuse me? Jane - Like the other day, when you kept him in your room half the night. Daria - Hey, I didn't keep Tom in my room. He stopped by and we started talking. Jane - He stopped by, or you ran into him in the hall? Because Penny's room is a t the opposite end of the house from mine. Daria - So? Jane - So... the only way he could have "stopped by" is if he went that way to s ee you before he came this way to see me. (pauses as her brain catches up to her mouth) Oh... Daria - Look, he probably heard you drilling and didn't want to disturb you. Jane - (sighs) Right. Damn it! When did I become a third wheel in my own relatio nship? Daria - Hey, come on, don't even say stuff like that. And don't make me responsi ble for whatever's going on between you two. Weren't you having problems before I got here? Jane - Well, if you insist on being accurate about it. Daria - Anyway, the house will be finished in a couple of days and I'll be out o f here. Unless you want me to go back to the hotel tonight. Jane - No, of course not. I overreacted. I hate being this way. This jealousy cr ap... it's not me at all. Daria - Don't worry about it. Jane - You'd never do anything to hurt me. Daria - Not unless you grew long red hair and began keeping a lip gloss database . (at Le Grand Hotel) (a robed Jake and Helen are having a sunset meal, courtesy of room service) Jake - Say, honey... you don't think we should be worried about this stalker guy , do you? Helen - Quinn says he's just a nice young man who wants a date and the rest of i t's in her friend Sandi's head... improbable as that sounds. (both laugh) Jake - Man, this hotel living's got me so relaxed... I can't remember when I've felt so good! Helen - It's good to feel good, isn't it? Jake - Oh, yeah...!

(phone rings) Helen - Hello? Detective? Oh, my God, Quinn! Jake - Gaaaah! (in the hotel security office) (Quinn is prattling on while the two hotel detectives try to appear interested) Quinn - ...and I think the best detective outfits were in the '60s like that wha t's-her-name in The Mod Squad and the Avenger lady. I mean, Cagney & Lacey, what 's that about?! Oh, hi, Mom and Dad! (Helen and Jake enter the office) Helen - Thank heaven you're all right. Jake - Where's the stalker?! I'll rip his eyes out! Um, he is all handcuffed and stuff, right? Detective - Mr. and Mrs. Morgendorffer, we were just asking your daughter about some recent gifts she's received from a hotel bellboy, one Bobby Stuart. Quinn - Let's see... he gave me a lobster platter, although I didn't eat it beca use lobster is so messy, a pair of those cute little plastic sandals you get in the spa that massage your feet when you walk... Jake - I love those! Helen - Jake! Quinn - Oh, yeah, and an upgrade to the Presidential Suite. Look, maybe you shou ld talk to Bobby's uncle, the hotel manager or whatever. He's the one who said i t was okay to give me this stuff since no one else was using it. Detective - Miss Morgendorffer, Mr. Stuart has no uncle at the hotel. He's been billing your parents' account for all these items, only to delete the charges la ter by breaking into the hotel's computer system. Quinn - (gasps) You mean... I... almost... went out with... Detective - That's right. Quinn - ...a computer geek?! (Helen, Jake, and Quinn exit the office; Helen and Jake are furious) Quinn - Aren't bellboys weird? Helen - Where's Daria? (at the Lane house) (someone knocks on the door to Daria's room) Daria - Come in. (Trent enters)

Trent - Hey, Daria. Have you seen Janey? I think one of us was supposed to give the other one a ride somewhere. Daria - She's probably over at Tom's, avoiding me. Trent - Oh... or making sure Tom does. Daria - (exasperated) Oh, no, not you, too. Look, Trent, there's nothing going o n between me and Tom. Trent - If you say so. Daria - What? Trent - Come on, Daria. I'm a musician. I'm very sensitive to shifts in mood. Daria - (frowns) Then your senses must be going into overdrive about now. Trent - Hey, I've seen you together. Guys can always tell when other guys are in to someone. You know, ethereal transference. Daria - Trent, even if what you just said made sense, I think I would know if To m were "into" me... and he's not. Trent - Okay. I should go. (starts to leave) Daria - (sighs) I'm sorry, Trent. It's just that I don't exactly know what's goi ng on. Trent - Well, whatever it is, no one said you meant for it to happen. Daria - Yeah. Okay. Thanks. Trent - But there's no use playing dumb, right? (doorbell rings) Helen (O.S.) - Hel-looo? (in Jake's car) Helen - Daria, running off to Jane's without even asking us first! Jake - Dammit, you didn't even give us a chance to say no! (Daria doesn't answer; she's too distracted by the voices in her head) Trent (V.O.) - Guys can always tell when other guys are into someone. (depressed and confused, Daria puts her head on her arms and stares out the wind ow) Helen - Pay attention, Jake! Jake - I was paying attention! Helen - You mean like when you set the house on fire?! Jake - Oh, great, just never let me forget that, will ya?!

Quinn - Da-ad! Would you watch the road?! Jake - Not you, too?! Go on, Daria, why don't you chime in?! Daria? (Daria, lost in thought, still doesn't answer) (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Dye! Dye! My Darling Episode #413 Written by Glenn Eichler (opening theme song) (at the Lawndale zoo) (Jane and Trent are standing in front of the tiger cage; Jane and a tiger stare at each other for several long moments, until Trent breaks the silence) Trent - Okay? Jane - (pause) Okay. (Jane and Trent drive home in Trent's car) Jane - Thanks for the company, Trent. Trent - Hey, no problem. But why didn't you ask Tom? Or Daria? Jane - You and I never go for rides anymore. We need to go for more rides. Trent - Mm... why'd you need to see the tiger again? Jane - I told you, it's a surprise. You'll find out when everybody does. (pause) What do you mean, "mm..."? Trent - I didn't say "mm..." Jane - Yes, you did. Trent - No, I didn't. (pause) Jane - Mm... (at the Morgendorffer house) (Helen is running around the kitchen in an absolute tizzy) Helen - Sorry, can't stop for breakfast, must get my files together before the 7 :00 A.M. I'm sorry, this is the biggest case I've ever had! (Helen looks around the kitchen, finally noticing that no one else is there) Helen - Oh... it's 5:00 in the morning. Why would anyone be up? Now who am I tal

king to? Get it together, Morgendorffer! (at Jane's house) (Daria rings the doorbell; the door is answered by Trent) Trent - Hey, Daria. Daria - Hey, Trent. Trent - Janie's upstairs with Tom. Trent - Thanks. (Daria heads upstairs to Jane's room, where she hears music playing) Daria - Hello?! (she knocks on the door, then pushes it open to reveal Tom and Jane in heavy lip -lock) Daria - Oh! Tom - Oops. Jane - Oy. (turns off music) Daria - Sorry about that. Jane - No biggie. You had to learn about kissing sometime. Tom - I saw Jane's latest work and I just got carried away by the talent. Jane - Ta-da! (Jane turns the easel around to reveal a self-portrait, only her hair has yellow stripes and she's standing in a jungle) Daria - Um, very nice. Or is it a cry for help? Tom - I'd have to go with... both. Jane - Don't you get it? The lady or the tiger -- now you don't have to choose. Daria - Does this mean you'll be ordering the pizza with entrails? Jane - This is going to be my new look. And you're assisting in the procedure. (Daria looks distressed) (at the drug store) (Daria and Jane are looking at shelf upon shelf of hair coloring products) Jane - "Golden Heather Blonde," "Dewy Cornfield Blonde," "April Wheat Blonde"... I just want to bleach my hair, not start a freaking farm. Daria - Well, I'm looking for "Blonde as a Bat," but so far no luck. I bet for 2 0 bucks and a bag of donuts, that girl behind the counter would come over to you r house and help you with this.

Jane - You know, Daria, not everyone in the world conducts themselves by the sam e ruthlessly mercenary principles as you and your family. Daria - That's why I threw in the donuts. Give the deal a personal touch. Jane - And if you tell me one more time that you don't want to do this, I'll hit you over the head with this bottle of "Peaceful Sunrise Blonde." Daria - You know I have no aptitude for this sort of thing. Dyeing hair, paintin g toenails... Jane - Look, Daria, this is the kind of activity that teen girls do together to cement their friendships. Don't you want to cement our friendship? Daria - I'd probably do better with actual cement. Jane - Methinks thou doth protesteth too much. Daria - Huh? Jane - Come on, why don't you want to help me, really? Daria - I just told you, I'm afraid I'll screw it up. Jane - H'okay... you're worried about making me look bad. Daria - What's the matter with you? Jane - Nothing's the matter with me. Just grateful for your concern, that's all. Daria - Look, I'll help you do your damn hair, okay? Just pick a blonde and let' s go with it, all right? Jane - Now you're talking. (looks at box) "Autumn Barley Blonde?" I'm going to h ave to get me a tractor. (at the Lane house) (the girls are at the kitchen table, preparing to dye Jane's hair) Daria - This stuff stinks. Why can't they just mix it before they put it in the bottle? Jane - Because the vapors would build up and it would explode. Daria - Oh. Well, that sounds like something I'd want seeping into my scalp. Jane - Come on, Daria, get going. We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Daria - I'm sure F.D.R. had teen girl hairstyles in mind when he made that speec h. You know, one phone call and I could have my sister over here with her little fashion fiends to do this job the way it should be done. Jane (imitating Daria) - "Hello, Quinn? It's me, Daria. Can you help me make my friend look pretty?" Daria - All right, you bitch. What do I do? Jane - Let's see. This is very complicated. Identify and isolate a target tress,

immobilize, then initiate application. Daria - Huh? Jane - Grab a hunk of hair and start painting. (Daria grabs a hunk of hair and starts painting) Jane - What do you think? It's not so hard. Daria - Don't move. Don't even talk. The slightest tremor of your head could be disastrous. Jane - Oh, come on, it's just hair. Daria - That's what Samson said. (pause) What did you mean before? Jane - What do you mean, what did I mean? Daria - All that hinting around about the dire reasons I didn't want to help you with this. Jane - "Dire." 'Cause you're dyeing my hair. I get it. Daria - Still waiting. Jane - Oh, hell, I didn't mean anything. I just thought it was odd that you were so resistant to making me look even cooler than I already do. I thought, you kn ow, maybe you were a little jealous of me and Tom and you felt like you had to.. . Daria - What?! Jane - Just a teensy little bit, and it's okay. Believe me, I'm sure if I were i n your position... Daria - What position? What are you talking about? How can you accuse me of bein g jealous of you and Tom? Jane - Hey, are we doing the hair here or not? I just mean the way you're always ... "accidentally" barging in on us and just "happening" to find yourself alone with him. I know you don't mean anything by it, so don't worry about it. Daria - Don't worry about it?! You accuse me of having some kind of designs on y our boyfriend and you tell me don't worry about it? Jane - Hair! (Daria yanks on her hair) Ow! Daria - Sorry. Jane - Maybe we'd better talk about this later. Daria - There's nothing to talk about. You're delusional. Jane - Oh, well, in that case I can just talk to myself about it. (later, in the living room, Daria and Jane are watching television; Jane's head is covered with a shower cap) SSW Announcer - Thomas Jefferson. Philosopher. Inventor. President... and keeper

of one saucy journal! The declaration of in my pants, tonight on Sick, Sad Worl d. Jane - So that wasn't so difficult, was it? Daria - Which part -- the hair coloring or the accusation of betrayal? Jane - Oh, Daria, look, forget it. I imagined the whole thing. Daria - That's right. Jane - Okay! Now, on to more important stuff. (Jane removes the shower cap, revealing jagged orange blotches instead of smooth blonde stripes) Jane - Am I striped yet? Daria (wide-eyed) - Um, no, not quite yet. Jane - Is anything happening up there? Daria - Uh... you know, I think I should probably get home. Jane - Aw, come on! Don't you want to stick around for the fun? (gets up and hea ds over to a mirror) Daria - Definitely not. Jane - Come on, Daria, you must want to see... aah! What did you do to me? Daria - I told you I was no good at this! Jane - Can't you paint a lousy stripe? Daria - I don't... I... Jane - You did this on purpose! To take Tom away from me! Daria - What?! Jane - Get out of here, Daria! Daria - Let me fix it! Jane - How? Daria - I don't know! Jane - Just... get... out! (crushed, Daria slowly turns and walks out of the house) (in Trent's car) (Trent is driving, and Jane is in the passenger seat; she's wearing a baseball c ap to cover her hair) Jane - Look, you're going to have to go into the drugstore and get the dye. Just get anything black. And nothing named after a crop, okay?

Trent - Sure. Don't worry, it'll be cool. Jane - I could kill Daria. Trent - Whoa. Why? Jane - I'm telling you, she wanted to screw up my hair. Anyone with the least bi t of painting experience couldn't possibly do that bad a job by accident. Trent - I didn't know she paints. Jane - Huh? Oh. She doesn't. Trent - Then why did she think she could do your hair? Jane - Well... she didn't. Actually, I kind of made her. Trent - Why did you do that? (Jane doesn't have an answer for that) (cut to a montage of scenes: Daria ringing the doorbell at Jane's house, and Dar ia at school trying to call Jane at home; both are met with no success) (Daria walks down the hall, and is approached by Jodie) Jodie - Hey, Daria. Where's Jane? Daria - Mm, I don't know. Maybe sick or something. Jodie - Really? That's too bad. She had some big surprise she was going to unvei l today. She kept talking about the lady or the tiger. Daria - Um, the tiger turned out to be more of a penguin with eczema. Jodie - What? (a little ways down the hall, the Fashion Club is conducting business as usual) Sandi - All right then. Our ongoing evaluation of new blushes continues this aft ernoon at Quinn's house with a roundtable discussion of blush strategy and philo sophy. Tiffany - I love philosophy. Stacy - It's so good of you to have us over for this, Quinn! Quinn - Well, you know what I tell myself. Quinn, if not you, who? If not now, w hen? Daria - If not leave, puke. Jodie - When you talk to Jane, tell her I hope she feels better. Daria - You mean if I talk to her. (Daria walks away, leaving a concerned Jodie behind) (at the Morgendorffer house)

(Daria again tries to call Jane, with no luck; she hangs up and dials another nu mber) (in Helen's office, Helen is on the phone, speed-ranting at a subordinate) Helen - Look, our entire strategy depends on you analyzing those printouts befor e the weekend. I don't care if your mother's getting married! I don't care if yo ur mother's getting executed! Do you understand?! (phone rings) Marianne - Hello? Daria - Um, Marianne? This is Daria Morgendorffer. Is my mother available? Helen - What? That's not a nice thing to say about an 80-year-old? Marianne - Um, Daria, is it very important? This isn't a great time. Helen - Well, if your mother's 80, what the hell is she doing dragging some poor bastard to the altar?! Oh! Daria - Um, no, I'll call back. Thanks. (she hangs up, then dials another number) Tom - Hello? Daria - Tom? Tom - Daria? To what do I owe the pleasure? (split-screen between Daria and Tom) Daria - Have you heard from Jane? Tom - Sort of. Why? Daria - It's about that striping job... Tom - Uh-oh. Daria - Yeah. I really, um, kind of botched it big-time, and she didn't come to school and she's not answering the phone, so I just wanted to make sure she's al l right. Tom - Well, she was all right enough to call me late last night, yelling stuff I didn't understand and making freaky accusations. Daria - Oh... Tom - I'm really getting tired of this, Daria, you know? It's like we talked abo ut at the parade... Daria - I think I'm going to go over there and see how she's doing. Tom - Oh. Oh, yeah. Good idea. Daria - Yeah. Got to go. Bye. (hangs up)

Tom - Bye. (at Jane's house) (Daria rings the doorbell, and a back-to-normal-looking Jane answers) Jane - I figured you'd turn up sooner or later. Daria - Hey, your hair looks okay. Jane - Yeah, I dyed it back. I'll pass for human. Daria - I'm really sorry. I warned you. That doesn't make it any better. I'm sor ry. I feel kind of awkward. Jane - Really? I hadn't noticed. (Jane and Daria sit on the living room couch) Daria - So if you look okay, then why didn't you come to school? Why didn't you answer the phone? Jane - To be honest, I've been feeling kind of overwhelmed lately, and after the hair thing and all, I figured I'd give myself a mental health day. Daria - Overwhelmed? Why? Jane - Why do you think? Daria - I don't know. I didn't screw your hair up on purpose. I would never do t hat. Jane - Yeah, I know. What about that other thing I said? Daria - What thing? Um, you were just upset. Jane - What about it, Daria? Daria - What? (Jane gives Daria a "you know damn well what I'm talking about" look) Daria - Tom? Me try to take Tom away from you? Are you crazy? Jane - Okay, maybe not trying to steal him or anything. But what's going on with you two? Daria - What do you mean? Nothing! I mean, okay, I don't hate him so much anymor e, but that's not exactly an affair to remember. Jane - So you don't want to go out with him? Daria - Of course not. Jane - And you've never... made out or anything? Daria - Come on! Jane - I know! I'm sorry!

Daria - Can you picture me making out with anyone? Ever? Jane - (pauses to think) Can I stop short of your wedding night? (pause) Okay. W ell, then, hair apology accepted. Life goes on. Daria - Do you want to get some more "busy barnyard blonde" and try again? Jane - Have you gone completely, utterly mad? (Daria is walking home, and as she approaches her house, she sees Tom parked in front) Tom - Hey. Daria - What are you doing here? Tom - I wanted to talk to you. Your sister said you weren't home so I figured I' d wait out here. Daria - Do you want to come in? Tom - No! There are girls in there rubbing stuff on each other's cheeks and maki ng animal noises. I got kind of scared. Daria - That's just the opening rites of the Blushathon. At least you got out be fore the rhythmic chanting. Tom - Oh, yeah, I think I saw that on the Discovery Channel. Why don't you get i n the car? (Daria hesitates, then climbs into the passenger seat) Daria - Did you want to talk about Jane? Tom - Nope. Daria - Oh. Then... what? Tom - About our situation. Daria - I don't know what you mean. We have no situation. Leave me alone, I gott a go. Tom - Wait. Why is everyone so mad at me? Daria - Why? Why? Because I moved to this town and I knew immediately I'd be a t otal outcast. And in the one moment of good luck I've had in my entire life, I m et another outcast who I could really be friends with and not have to feel compl etely alone. And then you came along and screwed the whole thing up! Tom - All I did was meet a girl I thought was cool and I went out with her for a while. We started to get bored with each other. It happens all the time. It's n obody's fault. Daria - Oh yeah? Would you still be bored with her if I weren't around? Tom - Probably. And more to the point, she'd be bored with me. It's got nothing to do with you.

Daria - Good. Because I'm not interested in you, and I'd be stabbing my friend i n the back if I even considered it. Tom - Exactly. And what kind of a jerk would that make me? Daria - Exactly. Tom - All right then. Daria - Okay. (Tom suddenly leans over and kisses Daria, who seems to enjoy it... until she fi nally comprehends what she's doing) Daria - Dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit! Tom - I liked it, too. Daria - That's not funny! Tom - I know. (she and Tom then engage in another lip-lock, this time deliberately) Tom - That was definitely not funny. Daria - I gotta go! (Daria scrambles out of the car and runs into the house, leaving Tom alone with his thoughts) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Jake is sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper as Daria walks in; s he's a virtual zombie, torn and conflicted over what happened between her and To m the previous night) Jake - They're going to make it illegal to shoot squirrels? Dammit, what kind of town is this? Oh, hey, kiddo! How's it going? Still got a little stardust in yo ur eyes, eh? You can't drown them, either?! Dammit! Oh my gosh! Let's finish thi s later, okay, Daria? (Jake leaves just as Quinn walks into the kitchen) Quinn - Oh yeah, Daria? You probably want to stay away from the house this after noon. The Fashion Club is entering the final phase of our blush evaluation and t hings could get heated and even if they don't, I'm just afraid you'd find the wh ole thing terribly tedious and I'd hate to see you bored like that. Okay? Thanks ! (Quinn looks over at Daria, who hasn't given any indication that she's even hear d her) Quinn - Daria...? Did you hear me? Daria - Is Mom around? Quinn - What? Daria - I need to talk to Mom.

Quinn - Good luck. She's only been working 18-hour days at that job of hers. Daria - If your best friend were going out with someone and you kissed him, woul d you tell her? Quinn - Are you crazy? Why would I do that? God, Daria, you've got to lay off al l those books before it's too late! (Quinn leaves the kitchen with a bowl of cereal, leaving Daria alone and confuse d once again) (at school) (Daria is walking in the hall when Jane catches up to her) Jane - Hey! Daria - Oh. Hi. Jane - What's up? What's going on? How you doing? Daria - Great. Jane - No walkee to school today? What happened? (no response from Daria) Jane - Hey, what's up? Talk to me. Daria - I kissed your boyfriend. (that's not a response Jane expected; she freezes on the spot, wide-eyed and dis believing) Jane - What? Daria - I kissed your boyfriend. I kissed Tom. I didn't mean to. (with a frown, Jane runs off at top speed, leaving Daria alone in a knot of stud ents) Daria - I'm sorry! I'm sorry! (at the Sloane house) (Jane rings the doorbell, and Tom answers the door) Tom - Oh. Hi! Jane - Oh, hi. Go to hell! (she starts hitting him with both fists) Tom - Hey... uh... stop... ow! Jane - How could you?! How could you?! Tom - I didn't mean to! It just happened! Jane - How could she?!

Tom - She didn't do anything! It was all my fault! Jane - Oh, don't give me that! Tom - She didn't want any part of this! I screwed everything up! (pause) Jane - Now what? Tom - I don't know. (cut to the back yard; Jane and Tom are sitting on an old wooden swing set) Tom - I'm a real idiot. There's no question about that. Jane - Who's arguing? Tom - We should have just broken up and I never should have dragged Daria into i t. Jane - What do you mean, we should have just broken up?! Tom - Come on. We weren't going anywhere. We were about to break up. Jane - (grudgingly) Yeah. So now what? You going to go out with her? I guess I g otta get a new best friend. Tom - What are you talking about? Jane - What am I going to do, tag along on your dates? Forget it. That's too wei rd for me. Tom - Yeah. I don't know why we expected her to do it. Jane - (sarcastically) You're going to have just a super time dating Daria. She loves to have fun. Tom - I didn't say I was going to date her. I know how antisocial she is. Jane - Hey, she's all right. Give her a chance. Tom - What are you talking about? You want me to go out with her? Jane - Of course not. I mean, I don't know. Just... look. All that time... were you going out with me just to get to her? Tom - Are you crazy? Jane - I don't know. Am I? Tom - I really like you, Jane. You're smart and you're funny, you have a great a ttitude... you do everything on your own terms. You're, like, from a cooler worl d. Jane - I am, aren't I? Tom - You really are. Jane - Too bad you're such a dork.

Tom - I know. (at Helen's office) Helen - Why can't I ever find anything around here? Do you all want me to go ins ane? (Marianne opens the door) Marianne - Helen? Helen? Helen - What is it? I told you not to interrupt me for anything! I have no time to waste! (Marianne opens the door wider to reveal Daria, looking like she's trying desper ately not to cry) Helen - (shocked) Daria? (at The Settlement restaurant) (Helen and Daria are seated at a booth; Daria is finishing up her tale of woe) Daria - ...so that's it. Of all the guys in the world to kiss, I pick the one wh o's going out with my best friend. Now I don't know what's going on, I have nobo dy to talk to about it, and that's why I came to you. Helen - (misunderstanding) Oh. Daria - I didn't mean it that way. Helen - (brightening) Oh. Well, it's not easy being a teenager, Daria. You have all these new feelings and sensations... Daria - Mom, spare me the puberty speech. I kissed my best friend's boyfriend. Helen - I'm sure it was just a one-time... Daria - Twice. Helen - (sighs) It's a lousy situation, Daria. But you didn't set out to hurt an yone. Daria - Neither do those bus drivers who go flying off an embankment on their wa y to the casino. Helen - Daria... nobody got killed. Daria - No, but I can't imagine how I could have hurt Jane more. Helen - What about Tom? Daria - I'm not thinking about Tom! (sighs) You know... I had everything more or less under control. I'm not saying it was great, but I could deal with school, I could deal with home, and now nothing's under control. Helen - It never is, sweetie. We just tell ourselves otherwise so we can functio n.

Daria - Who came up with that stupid arrangement? Helen - It's called life. Daria - Life sucks. Helen - Yes. Sometimes. (pause) Often. Daria - That's reassuring. Helen - But it still beats the alternative. Honey, things will work out. I don't know how, but they will. Daria - You don't know how? What kind of parental wisdom is that? Helen - Honest? Daria - Don't you have to be getting back to that huge case of yours? Helen - Oh, don't worry about that. It's completely under control. (Daria smiles slightly at Helen's joke, showing there's some signs of improvemen t) (cut to a very dejected Jane walking down the street; Trent pulls alongside in h is car, obviously having heard about the situation with Tom) Trent - Yo. Jane - Hey. Trent - What you doing? Jane - Walking. Trent - Hair looks fine. Jane - Thanks. Trent - Lift? Jane - Nah. Trent - Come on. We need to go for more rides. (Jane pauses, then accepts the inevitable) Jane - Okay. (in the car) Trent - Hey, you know, about Tom and all... it'll be okay. Jane - Yeah, some part of me knows that. Some part of me is actually saying that breaking up is right. Trent - Maybe it is. Jane - So how come every five minutes I feel like I'm going to throw up?

Trent - I don't know. You haven't been eating out of the refrigerator again, hav e you? (that has the intended effect, as Jane's spirits are momentarily lifted) Jane - (teasing) Idiot. Trent - Where are we going, anyway? Jane - Daria's. (at the Morgendorffer house) (the doorbell rings; Daria answers the door, to find Jane standing there) Jane - Hello. Daria - Hi. Jane - Pizza? Daria - I'm not really hungry. Jane - Neither am I. (the two sit down in the living room) Daria - I didn't want to tell you, but I had to. It's not going to happen again. Ever. Jane - Tom and I broke up. Daria - What? Not because of me! Jane - No. Not because of you. So I don't care if you go out with him. It's fine with me. Daria - Come on, nobody's that well-adjusted. Jane - I'm sure as hell not, but Tom and you makes more sense than Tom and me. S o you go ahead and date him, and I'll get used to going out for pizza by myself. Daria - I don't want you to do that. Jane - Why not? It's what you've been doing all year. Daria - So you don't hate me? Jane - Of course I hate you! You say you'll stay away from him and five minutes later you're making out in a car! Why did you even get in? Daria - I thought we were going to talk about you! I think that's what I thought . (pause) Jane - The lady or the tiger. You've turned out to be a little of both, eh? Daria - I swear, I didn't...

Jane - I know. I don't know why I made you color my hair in the first place. May be I was trying to bring something to a head. Daria - Hair. Head. I get it. (an uncomfortable silence hangs in the air for several moments) Daria - So... what happens now? Jane - I was hoping you knew. Daria - Are we still friends? (pause) Are we? Jane - Yeah. We're the kind of friends who can't stand the sight of each other. Daria - Temporarily, right? Jane - I hope so, Daria. I'll see you. (gets up and leaves) (later, Daria is alone in her room, lost in her thoughts, when the phone suddenl y rings) Daria - Quinn! (phone rings) Quinn, phone! (it rings again) Oh, to hell with it. (picks up the phone) Hello? Tom (on phone) - Daria? It's Tom. (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Fizz Ed Episode #501 Written by Glenn Eichler (opening theme song) (opens on image of newspaper, with headline "Voters reject property tax increase for third consecutive year; schools face cuts") (in Mr. O'Neill's class) (Mr. O'Neill hands out copies of play) Mr. O'Neill - Okay, students, here's your reading assignment for tonight: scenes one through five in Doctor Faustus. Sorry I don't have actual copies of the pla y for you but, you know... the budget. Kevin - Hey, Mr. O., I can't read this. Jane - I can't read mine, either. Daria - Hmm... I can just make out the words "incipient migraine." Mr. O'Neill - I apologize for the quality of these, class. The school's photocop ier is so very old. Darn budget. Jane - Mr. O'Neill!

Mr. O'Neill - Sorry! (in Mr. DeMartino's class) Jodie - So it's clear that in the case of Chechnya, conflicts that took generati ons to develop will certainly not be resolved in a period of months. Mr. DeMartino - Excellent report, Jodie. Would you like to give your classmates a clearer picture of the hostilities by pointing out Chechnya on the map? (Jodie goes over to the wall map, but can't find Chechnya) Jodie - Um, Chechnya became independent in 1991, and this map was printed before then. It's completely outdated. Mr. DeMartino - That's right, Jodie. I guess they think since I teach history I don't need any supplies created after V-E Day! (in Ms. Defoe's class) Ms. Defoe - Class, I thought as an exercise in imagination, we could deprive our selves of one of our customary creative tools. So today, let's all try to paint a picture without using the color red. Brittany - But I like red. It reflects my passionate nature. Ms. Defoe - I'm sure it does, Brittany, but, well, I ran out of it yesterday and there's no money to get any more. (at football field) (team is practicing, Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Li are on the bleachers) Mr. O'Neill - So you see, Ms. Li, the other teachers and I thought if we could m aybe take some of the money we've been spending on school security and instead s pend it on school supplies... Ms. Li - Mr. O'Neill, do you have any idea what a satellite transmission jammer costs these days? Mr. O'Neill - Um... (Jamie approaches the sidelines; he's not wearing a helmet) Ms. Li - Mr. White? Jamie - Yeah? Ms. Li - Why aren't you out there practicing with the other gridironers? Jamie - Um, the face mask fell off my helmet. Ms. Li - So? Get a new helmet. Jamie - I can't. Coach says we're out of money. Ms. Li - (stands) That's it! The school financial predicament has reached crisis proportions!

(in Ms. Li's office) Leonard Lamm - So what we're really talking about is a lens of fiscal focus conc entrating the diffused light of our students' discretionary spending into a lase r beam of economic clout. Ms. Li - Mr. Lamm, I like the way that sounds. Lamm - How many soda machines do we have in this institution? Ms. Li - Two in the cafeteria and one in the teachers' lounge. Lamm - Three? No, we need at least four times that number. Ms. Li - But can we really make up the budget deficit with the proceeds on cans of soda? Lamm - Oh, it's not the cans. It's the exclusive contract. Ms. Li - What contract? Lamm - See, what I do is represent your interests to the soda companies. I say t o each of them, "I've got a high school that's willing to sell no other beverage s but yours in its cafeterias, at its dances, sporting events, whatever. They'll advertise and sell your product exclusively." Ms. Li - Advertise? Lamm - Tasteful little posters. "And all you have to do, Mr. Soda Company Fatcat , is hand over, oh, let's say $50,000 to be used as the school sees fit." Ms. Li - (reverently) $50,000... Lamm - And that's if we don't get a bidding war going. Ms. Li - Hmm... you don't think it's unseemly to have advert -- promotion -- ins ide school corridors? Lamm - Ms. Li, our kids see advertising when they turn on the TV, when they log onto the web, when they drive the highways and walk through the malls. Do we rea lly want school to be a sheltered ivory tower that fails to prepare them for lif e outside its walls? Ms. Li - Hmm, I never thought of it that way. (reverently) Did you say $50,000? (in Ms. Barch's class) Ms. Barch - Class, our planetarium trip has been canceled due to lack of funds, so your assignment tonight is to locate Orion the Hunter in the sky, then write an essay on why you think he needs to carry a weapon to feel like a man. (bell rings) Ms. Li - (on P.A.) Attention, students. (softly) An acute paper shortage prevent s us from sending home an announcement about the school review meeting. (more so ftly) So please remind your parents that it's the 30th at 6:00. Daria - What'd she say? The 30th? Ms. Li - (softly) Thank you.

(Daria and Jane walking down hall) Daria - Why didn't she come on before the bell rang so we could hear her? Jane - Well, considering it was about a school review meeting, I'd have to say, who cares? (they pass Kevin and Brittany) Daria - Wait a minute. The 30th is a Sunday. Who holds school review meetings on Sunday? Kevin - Daria, the 30th isn't a Sunday. It's Super Bowl Sunday. Brittany - Be an American, Daria. (Kevin and Brittany walk away) Daria - Super Bowl Sunday? (in Morgendorffer kitchen) Quinn - So Stacy showed me her outfit for Sunday and she had, like, this solid c ream-colored top and I said, "Stacy, it's a Super Bowl party. Guys yelling and j umping up and down and banging into stuff and dip, Stacy, dip!" So she decided t o go with a print instead. You know what I always say. Dip is short for dipsaste r. (giggles) Helen - That's wonderful, honey. Daria - Did you know Ms. Li called a school review meeting for Super Bowl Sunday ? Helen - Really? That's odd. Well, maybe she's not a football fan. Daria - I think she's trying to pull something. If I were you, I'd make it a poi nt to go to that meeting and pay extra-close attention. Helen - Daria, you know your father and I have to go to Eric's Super Bowl party. Jake - What?! Helen - Or I'll look like I'm not a team player. Jake - I have to spend another Super Bowl with a bunch of freakin' lawyers?! And their freakin' lawyer highballs and lawyer cigars?! Lousy stuck-up... Helen - Jake! I called in some favors around the office and found five people wh o promised they'd talk to you. Jake - You did? Quinn - Excuse me but doesn't anybody want to hear about Stacy's pants? Daria - Hello? The high school principal called a public meeting she doesn't wan t anyone to attend. Helen - Daria, if you're so concerned, why don't you go?

Daria - What? (at school) (Daria and Jane are looking at the meeting announcement on the bulletin board) Jane - You owe me hugely for making me miss the biggest football game of the yea r. Daria - You hate football. Jane - Hey! Don't try any of your twisty-turny mind games on me, Morgendorffer. (in the auditorium) Lamm - So if I may sum up: our young people are our greatest resource. Therefore , let us mine that resource and allow their thirst for refreshment to fuel their thirst for knowledge. That, ladies and gentlemen, is empowerment. Thank you. Ms. Li - Yahoo! Well, if that's not inspiring then I wasn't named fourth runnerup for Principal of the Year by the tri-county chapter of the Asian-American Wom en in Education's Caucus. Now I'm sure you all want to get home and watch the ga me but first we've allotted... three minutes for public commentary on Mr. Lamm's proposal. (Daria stands up) Ms. Li - Nobody? Very well, then. Daria - Excuse me. Ms. Li - Um, yes, Ms. Morgendorffer? Daria - You're planning to make soda companies bid against each other for the ri ght to market their products in Lawndale High? Lamm - That's right. All you kids have to do is what you'd do anyway: drink soda . Daria - Does that mean that everywhere I turn I'll run into a vending machine? Lamm - Well, there wouldn't be much value to the contract if the product weren't easily available. (chuckles) Daria - And what else? Lamm - Nothing but a few small discreet advertising posters in the halls. Nothin g in questionable taste. And, if we're lucky, an exciting new high-tech scoreboa rd for athletic events, boys' and girls'. Daria - So the school will, in effect, be endorsing the soda? Is that really the school's role, to become a shill? Lamm - Miss... do you drink soda? Daria - Huh? Of course. Lamm - So? Daria - This isn't about whether I like soda. It's about whether a public high s

chool should be using its status as a place of authority to serve as one more ma rketing tentacle of corporate America. With the taxpayers subsidizing it. Lamm - Surely you give your friends enough credit to know when they're being tau ght and when they're being sold to? Daria - I give them enough credit to figure out about three seconds after those machines arrive that they can't trust this institution. The few who still do. Ms. Li - Oh, dear... darn it, our time is up. I've got Super Bowl fever. Go, tea ms, go! (Daria and Jane walking home) Daria - This whole thing sucks. They shouldn't be selling stuff to people under the guise of educating them. Don't you think it's totally unethical and underhan ded? Jane - I don't know. Let me mull it over for a few minutes. (in school hallway; there are quite a few Ultra Cola vending machines and signs present) Jane - Is it my imagination or is something about the school different today? Kevin - Hey, Daria. Jane. (slurps cola) Brittany - Isn't it great to have all these new soda machines everywhere? It's s o easy to get a drink. Jane - And hyperglycemia. Kevin - (spaced out) I like these machines. They're so bright, so soothing... (n ormal) You know, we're getting a new scoreboard and a whole bunch of equipment o ut of this deal. Brittany - And new pompoms and everything. Daria - And all you have to do for it is name your firstborn after Ultra Cola. Kevin - What? Jane - You weren't going to call him Kevin Junior, were you? Brittany - Oh, Kevvy, I hope you're not disappointed. Kevin - Ultra... Ultra Thompson. "Now starting for the Miami Dolphins at quarter back, Ultra... Cola... Thompson. Hooray!" Yeah, it's cool. (in the school library) (Daria sits down next to Jodie) Jodie - Hey. Daria - You've got to do something about this. Jodie - About what? Daria - About that. (points to Ultra Cola sign)

Jodie - Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's kind of sleazy. Daria - Are you going to talk to someone about it? Jodie - I'd have to go to the superintendent of schools. Daria - So will you? Jodie - I don't know. It's bringing in a lot of money to the school. Daria - But you just said you think it's sleazy. Jodie - Well, yeah. But the Lawndale Model Congress is going to Washington next month and for the first time in three years we don't have to sell 500 rolls of g ift wrap to pay for the bus. Daria - No. Instead they're selling you colored sugar water while pretending to give you an education. Jodie - Hey, you drink soda, don't you? Daria - That's not the point. Jodie - I just don't think a few little posters are that big a deal. In a week, you won't even notice them. Daria - All the worse. Jodie - Daria, if you don't like it, you complain. Daria - I don't complain. Jodie - That's all you ever do. Daria - I mean, I don't get involved. Jodie - Then I guess you don't really care that much, do you? (in the Morgendorffer living room; Daria and Tom are watching Sick, Sad World) SSW Announcer - All he wanted, just once, was to eat at the table. But she had a hankering to howl. "Shih tzu? I hardly know you!" Next, on Sick, Sad World. (Daria shuts off TV) Daria - Do you think I complain a lot? Tom - What are you bitching about now? Daria - I'm serious. I asked Jodie if she'd talk to somebody about these soda po sters and she said I should do it since I'm so good at complaining. Tom - Why don't you do it? Daria - Well, let's see. Aside from the fact that I'm already considered a squar e peg and a malcontent, there's the small problem that everyone loves all this m oney coming in, and I seem to be the only one troubled by where it's coming from .

Tom - So what? You're still right. Daria - Thank you. Tom - And you have every right to moan and groan... Daria - Thank you. Tom - As long as you try to do something about it. Daria - Why does it have to be me? Tom - Because nobody else will. Daria - But that's what's so infuriating. Tom - Ah, ah, ah. Daria - What? Tom - There you go, complaining again. (Daria sighs) (in the waiting room of Superintendent Cartwright's office) Jane - You owe me hugely for making me get involved in school district politics. Daria - What are you talking about? I just asked you to walk me here. You're not even going in. Jane - Hey! Don't try any of your rhetorical gymnastics on me, Morgendorffer. Yo u sound a little nervous. Daria - No, I don't. Jane - My mistake. Secretary - You can go in now. Daria - Eep! (in the Superintendent's office) Daria - ... and that's why I really think it's inappropriate to be using the sch ool as a venue for this cola company's advertising. Superintendent - Ms. Morgendorffer... I hope you don't mind that I punched your name up on the computer. You have a very impressive academic record. Daria - Um, thanks. Superintendent - But very little in the way of extracurriculars. Daria - What does that have to do with anything? Superintendent - Well, I can't help wondering. Do you really object that strongl y to a few soda machines, or is this protest perhaps an exercise in extracurricu lar involvement to put on your college applications?

Daria - (surprised) What? Superintendent - Do you drink soda, Daria? Daria - (angry) That's not the point. Superintendent - Lawndale High is now the only school in the county running a su rplus. I was going to talk to Leonard Lamm about writing a contract proposal for all our schools. Daria - Mr. Cartwright, you're right. I'm not a big one for participation. I wen t against my instincts coming here today, and when word gets around I'll probabl y be even more isolated than I already am. Superintendent - Oh, I don't... Daria - But I did it because, as little affection or respect as I have for my fe llow students, they don't deserve to be treated as a demographic by their own sc hool. Superintendent - All that contract's trying to do is make the educational experi ence better. Daria - Then just come to Lawndale High and see if that's happening. Superintendent - I'll think about it. Daria - Um, that doesn't sound very convincing. Superintendent - I'll think about it. (stands) Thank you for coming in. (in Ms. Li's office) Ms. Li - Well, it's been four weeks and I'd say we've done a stellar job of maki ng Ultra Cola available to our students. Lamm - Well, you might say so, and I'm sure I'd agree with you but unfortunately that won't hold up in court. Ms. Li - Huh? Lamm - The idea wasn't making the product available to the students. It was maki ng the students available to the product. The Ultra Cola people say your sales a ren't what they should be. You do want to make your quotas, don't you? Or the sc hool won't get that nice big check. Ms. Li - Oh, my gosh. What do I have to do? Lamm - Well, we need to take it up a notch. (Daria and Jane walking to school; the school buss passes them, decked out in Ul tra Cola banners) Daria - I've got a bad feeling about this. (Daria and Jane arrive at school; hallways are filled with Ultra Cola parapherna lia and vending machines, and the floor is painted in Ultra Cola colors) (in Ms. Barch's class)

(room is decked out in Ultra Cola paraphernalia) Ms. Barch - Class, there's been a change in our lesson plan. Today we'll discuss the planets' relative distance from the sun. Upchuck - But we did that two weeks ago, Ms. B. Ms. Barch - And now we're going to do it again, Charles. Unless you wish to spen d the period in independent study? Upchuck - (shivers) No... not the closet. Ms. Barch - Now, the reason for the change is that I've received a brand new... (distastefully) ...learning aid. (pulls out a mobile made of Ultra Cola cans, an d begins reading off a cue card) "Why, look, students. A three-dimensional model of our solar system, graciously provided by Ultra Cola. Ultra Cola: the favorit e beverage in any universe." (sighs) "We can use it to discuss which planets' at mospheres might support the process of carbonation." Or I can just spend the res t of the day in the teachers' bathroom, staring at the tiles. (leaves) Ms. Li - (over P.A.) Good Ultra Cola morning, students. I am pleased to announce an Ultra Cola schedule change. From now on, the period between classes will be increased from five minutes to 10, allowing you more time to get to your Ultra C ola lockers, organize your Ultra Cola backpacks, and still enjoy a delicious Ult ra Cola. Ultra Cola: the refreshing way to learn. (clicks off) (in the hallway) Jane - You don't think they're going to try to make Mr. DeMartino use Ultra Cola in his class lessons, do you? (Daria peers into Mr. DeMartino's classroom, where he's struggling with a globe shaped like an Ultra Cola can) Mr. DeMartino - Argh! Stupid... argh! Stupid cola... argh... frngn... brmflp... marketing contract... argh...! (throws globe with a crash) Daria - (resumes walking) What was the question? Brittany - (crying) Oh, Kevvy, it's terrible! How can I face the world? (pan to Kevin and Brittany; Kevin's uniform is now in Ultra Cola colors with the company logo, and Brittany's new uniform is an Ultra Cola can) Kevin - It's okay, babe. You look, uh... cute. Brittany - What do you mean? Kevin - Kind of, uh... round and shiny. (Brittany cries) Kevin - Uh... I like that in a woman? (Brittany stomps on Kevin's foot with an angry sob) Kevin - Ow! (runs away) (Brittany approaches Daria and Jane)

Brittany - I hate this stupid uniform! You can't build a human pyramid in this. Everybody keeps rolling off! Oh, God... my arms. I can't feel my arms! (runs off crying) (in Ms. Li's office) Lamm - You see? You're still falling short of your quotas. And I don't need to t ell you, those sales have to be made up. Ms. Li - I don't know what to do. I put in all the machines they asked for. I pu t up all the advertising they asked for. I instituted the learning aids. What mo re can I do? What more can I do? Lamm - If only the students had some motivation to drink soda beyond simple thir st. Ms. Li - But that's crazy talk. What other motivation could there be? Lamm - You're right, it's stupid. By the way... how are your students' grades th is period? Ms. Li - Huh? (in the gymnasium) (Ms. Li is pacing in front of the team, which is assembled on the bleachers) Ms. Li - Don't you people like having that new scoreboard? Don't you like the di gital tackling dummies and the new towels that don't smell like a farm animal's privates? Kevin - Um... sure. Ms. Li - Well, why don't you show your appreciation? Mack - Do you want us to call the Asian-American Women in Education's Caucus aga in? Ms. Li - No! I want you to drink more soda, damn it! Soda! Soda! Soda, soda, sod a! Kevin - But we drink that bulk-up powder, Ms. Li. For the ladies. Ms. Li - Forget bulking up, damn it. Who on this team has an average below C? (a ll but Mack raise their hands) Never mind. Just put up your hand if your average is above C. (only Mack raises his hand) Okay, the rest of you. I'll raise your average half a point for every ten cans of Ultra Cola you drink. If you've got a 60 average, drink 20 cans and you'll have a 61! We'll call it an extra-credit m ini-course in the science of motivation. What do you say? (players cheer) Ms. Li - All right, men. Give 'em hell. And drink, my lads, drink. (players cheer as they leave; only Mack remains behind) Mack - Ms. Li, are you sure you want to do this? Ms. Li - Just what are you saying, Mr. MacKenzie? It's unethical? Immoral? In di rect conflict with my role as an educator?

Mack - Well, yeah, but mostly I was thinking I'm the only one on the team who ca n count by halves. Ms. Li - Hmph! (into tape recorder) Note to self: calculators for the football t eam. ASAP! (in the cafeteria) (football players are drinking can after can of cola) Ms. Li - Ah. I love the smell of cola in the morning. (leaves) (at the football field; school band is playing) Upchuck - The Oakwood Taproots look ready for a whipping, but our Lawndale Lions aren't here to do the clipping. (pan from the Oakwood team to the Lawndale benc h, where Mack sits alone) I see mighty Mack... but where, oh, where, could the o ther Lions be? (pan to Lawndale cheerleaders, all decked out in Ultra Cola uniforms) Brittany - All right, girls... (sobs) ...just the way we rehearsed it. Cheerleaders - Win, Lions, win! Fight, Lions, fight! Drink Ultra Cola till your pants feel tight! Run and pass and block and blitz. Drink Ultra Cola and never m ind the zits. Go... Lions! (girls collapse and groan) Upchuck - Hold on, folks. I've got star QB Kevin Thompson on the phone. Kevin, t ell the loyal fans what you just told me. (holds phone up to microphone) Kevin - (over phone) Um, hey everybody. Uh, how's it going? Um, I'm real sorry a bout this but, um, the Lions have to forfeit. We've all got... tummy aches. Upchuck - Oh, no, Kevin! To what do you attribute this? The dreaded influenza? Kevin - (over phone) No. Too much Ultra Cola! (burps) I got to go to the bathroo m. (in the stands, Ms. Li slurps Ultra Cola while Leonard Lamm looks on disapprovin gly) (in Ms. Li's office) (Mrs. Bennett sits and drinks cola; the office is littered with Ultra Cola cans) Ms. Li - Drink up, damn it! Mrs. Bennett - Eep. (drinks) Ms. Li - (pacing) Leonard Lamm says a forfeited home game is a violation of our contract with Ultra Cola. I'm already in deep horse plops for missing the sales quotas. Mrs. Bennett - What about all that soda the team drank? Ms. Li - Yeah, yeah, but he said since it was from the cafeteria, it didn't coun t! It had to come from the machines. But nobody told me. Nobody told me, I tell you!

Mrs. Bennett - Calm down, Ms. Li. Maybe you should lay off the Ultra Cola for a little while. Ms. Li - Lay off the Ultra Cola? Can't lay off the Ultra Cola. Got to drink. Dri nk cola. I told you to drink up, damn it! (Mrs. Bennett slurps more cola) Ms. Li - I know. Call the elementary schools. They're always looking for a cheap field trip. Tell them to get their kids over here right away for soda, soda, so da! Mrs. Bennett - Do you think that's... Ms. Li - Just do it! I can't just sit here. I've got to move some product, damn it! (over P.A.) Attention, students. Everyone out in the halls for soda. Now! (Ms. Li runs out into the hallway and smashes open the emergency fire hose, grab bing the axe and setting off the alarm; she's obviously crazed from too much str ess and caffeine) Ms. Li - (runs around smashing machines open) Must drink soda. Soda from machine s. Everybody gather round the pretty machines. Ooh! (kids cheer as they scoop up soda cans) Ms. Li - (attacking machine with little success) Ooh, ooh, ooh! Open up, you lou sy damn machine! Give up the soda in your bowels! Soda! Soda! Must have soda! Oh ! (alarm rings and kids cheer as they gorge on Ultra Cola; in the midst of this, D aria and Jane look on as Superintendent Cartwright arrives and takes in the scen e) (outside the school; Ms. Li is loaded into an ambulance) Ms. Li - (shouts as ambulance pulls away) Everybody keep drinking! (on the school roof) Jane - So the gigantic soda machines are gone from the hallways. Daria - But still in the cafeterias. Jane - And the advertising is gone from the walls. Daria - But still in the school paper. Jane - And the Ultra Cola logo is gone from the uniforms. Daria - But still on the tickets. Jane - I take it you don't consider this an all-out triumph for the forces of go od. Daria - Did they or did they not release Ms. Li from the hospital? Jane - Good point, but come on, Daria. They changed the Ultra Cola contract so t hey can't advertise inside the school, and thanks to Ms. Li's little freak-out, no one traced it to you. Isn't that some kind of victory?

Daria - (stands) I don't know. Ask those people. (points at an airplane passing overhead) (in the plane, a little girl looks out the window at the roof of Lawndale High, which is painted with several Ultra Cola logos) (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Sappy Anniversary Episode #502 Written by Anne D. Bernstein (opening theme song) (at the Morgendorffer house) (doorbell rings; Daria answers, and finds a huge bouquet of flowers in her face) Daria - So the stories were true. Welcome to Earth, plant people. Be gentle with us. Delivery Boy - Yeah, are you Miss Morgendorffer? Daria - Daria or Quinn? Delivery Boy - These are for Quinn. (hands flowers to Daria) You must be Daria. (extends hand for a tip) Daria - Hmm... (looks at hand) It says here that people keep closing doors in yo ur face. Delivery Boy - Hey, do you think your sister might want to go out with... (Daria closes door, cutting him off, and walks into kitchen, where Quinn is putt ing more flowers into a vase) Daria - Hmm... lot of flowers. And chocolates. Did you come down with a debilita ting illness and forget to share the good news? Quinn - Daria, it's not like I ask guys to buy me presents. I merely suggest. (D aria reaches for cards) Daria! That's personal! (reads first card) "Happy one ye ar since you borrowed a pen from me. Love, Joey." (reads second card) "I'll alwa ys remember the day you first asked me to get you a soda. Love, Jeffy." (laughs, then reads third card) "These flowers should be twice as big as Jeffy's because I paid twice as much. Love..." I can't seem to make out this handwriting. Daria - Maybe he should use a sharper crayon. Quinn - You know, Daria, how big a fuss a guy makes over your anniversary is the true test of whether he cares. Daria - Huh. And here I've been demanding they mail me an ear. Quinn - I'm serious. If he forgets, it means he's taking you for granted. Not th at I would know, but that's what Stacy tells me. Say, how long have you and that

Tom been going out? Daria - Um... no idea? Quinn - Oh, Daria... Daria - Look, all that matters in a relationship is that you like the same pizza toppings. Quinn - Well, I remember that your t-end refusing regimen, unless you rom the time you kissed him behind oing out with him, which I believe finals. first date was the same day I started my spli don't count from the first date but instead f your best friend's back while she was still g was the night of the Fashion Club Blushathon

Daria - And to think, Mom and Dad only have the day JFK was shot. Quinn - Let's say we ignore the instance of sleazy backstabbing, so that means.. . (flips through wall calendar) Wow, it's your six-month anniversary this week! How are you going to celebrate? Daria - Declare a national holiday? Quinn - That's ridiculous. What's the point if there's no school that day? (later that evening, at dinner) Jake - Hey, when did the help wanted section start coming pre-circled? Am I payi ng extra for this? Helen - Um, actually, I did that. Because, uh, you said you could use a new chal lenge. Jake - I was talking about learning to play two-deck solitaire. Daria - Dreamer. Jake - "Feeling boxed in? Leading corrugated cardboard manufacturer seeks senior VP of sales and marketing?" Damn it, Helen, I'm a man with my own business. I'l l never work for somebody else again! Never, do you hear me?! And shame on you f or suggesting it. Shame, Helen, shame... Helen - Jake, I'm so sorry. Jake - Hey, look at this one! "Kick-ass I-startup, superjazzed about expansion, seeks visionary dot-com expert for media leadership position." Where do I sign u p?! Helen - Jake, you don't know a thing about the Internet. Jake - (sarcastic) Oh, but I'm an expert on cardboard! Daria - Mom, Dad's bragging again. Helen - And look at that salary! It's an insult. Jake - It's a startup, Helen. I'll get in on the stock offering and soon we'll b e living on Easy Street. Daria - Isn't that just around the corner from Delusion Drive?

(at the Sloane house) (Daria and Tom are sitting on the sofa as the SSW theme plays on TV) SSW Announcer - How shoddy fertility drugs are creating a new breed of gang and wreaking havoc with police lineups. "Delinquent quintuplets," next on Sick, Sad World. Daria - So... what do you want to do tonight? Tom - Oh, nothing special. Daria - Nothing special, huh? Tom - I'm fine just hanging out. Daria - Just hanging out. (pause) Ever wonder what it would be like to go on a t ypical date? Say, to a restaurant or something? Tom - Oh, yeah. I know, why don't we go to Chez Pierre. (laughs) Normal dates ar e for people with no imagination. Daria - Ah. Tom - Remember when we went to the drugstore and read the greeting card poems al oud? That was a fun date. Daria - Yeah. (at yuppie-style restaurant) (Jake is sitting at a table, waiting, when a man with spikey white hair approach es) Barkman - Jake Morgendorffer? I'm Noah Barkman, president of Buzzdome.com. Jake - You're... the president? (Barkman turns chair around and sits) Barkman - Let me tell you something about Buzzdome, J-man. We're a bleeding edge shop, pumped to optimize our web presence. (cell phone rings) One sec. (answers phone) Yeah? Uh-huh. Well, that's a start, but I'm thinking massive and I want you to think massive with me. Later. (hands up) When did investors become such c hickens? Good thing they weren't like this when we had the stock offering. Jake - The stock offering is over? Barkman - Ran up 800% in the first day of trading. And here I am, I just turned 24 and I don't know what to do with all my money. Jake - You're 24?! Barkman - New economy, right? You explain it to me. (a waiter approaches) Drinks ? Jake - I need... I'd like... a martini. Waiter - Sorry, no alcohol. We're macrobiotic.

(Jake tears his napkin) Barkman - I'll have a pot of kombucha. Jake - Yeah! Kombucha! Me, too! Barkman - Jake, tell me. What are your thoughts about how clickstream convergenc e impacts brandwidth exploitation? Give me your e-vision, not what you think the digerati want to hear. Jake - Snotty digerati... hey, that rhymes! Barkman - And don't just throw killer aps at me. Jake - So the answer is an engaged, community-based killer ap combined with blee ding edge e-vision and diversified synergy? Barkman - Jake, that is a very prescient comment. Jake - Did I mention that I make really neat pie charts? (waiter arrives with tea) Barkman - You know, you're a little up there in years, but you're definitely plu gged in. A toast to you, Jake Morgendorffer. You are Buzzdome.com's newest emplo yee. You don't mind an 80-hour workweek, do you? Jake - Um... 'course not. (drinks tea, gags, spits it out) Blurgh... oh...! (at the Lane house) (Jane is gluing pieces of broken pottery onto the wall; Daria is sitting and sta ring at a shard) Jane - I'm going to call it "Exploding Kiln Number One." Or what do you think of "Pottery Blam"? Daria - Mm. Jane - Enjoying that shard? Daria - (looks up) Huh? Jane - Out with it, Morgendorffer. What's wrong? Daria - Well, it's, uh, Tom. Jane - My ex, your current. This is slightly uncomfortable but how can I resist? Go on. (resumes gluing) Daria - He treats me more like a piece of furniture than his girlfriend. I know I shouldn't care whether or not he gives me presents or remembers our anniversar y, but I think I do. And then I hate myself for caring. I can't say anything bec ause then he'll know I care, and it won't be the same as if he thought of it him self and, oh, God, listen to me. Jane - Wow. You sound almost... human. Daria - (sighs) It's just that we never go anywhere.

Jane - Yeah, that's Tom. He never took me anywhere, either. Well, except for tha t horse and carriage ride once. Oh, and that Italian restaurant when he got the musicians to play my favorite song, the theme from The Poseidon Adventure... (se es sour look on Daria's face, starts backpedaling fast) But they didn't even pla y the whole song. And the breadsticks were stale. I mean really stale. Bad bread sticks. Eww. (the look on Daria's face clearly says "I'm not buying it for a second") (at Buzzdome.com) (Noah Barkman is showing Jake around the building) Barkman - You see, Jake... an open plan encourages creativity. Come say hi to th e other members of your work node. This is Nora. She's our information architect . (Jake attempts to shake hands, but she holds up her arms, which reveal braces on both wrists) Nora - Sorry; carpal tunnel. Barkman - Zhengdong, interactive strategist. Zhengdong - I'd love to hear your thoughts on FreeBSD versus Linux as a server p latform. Jake - Right! Barkman - And Sameer. He's kind of a one-man, pinch-hitting brain trust. Sameer - If you need anything, my desk is the one with the giant inflatable palm tree. (Noah leads Jake to his shared cubicle, where an abrasive woman is talking on th e phone) Jackleene - But we tested it on all three platforms! There's no way those links are broken! Barkman - That's Jackleene. She interfaces with clients. Jackleene - It must be your browser configuration that's screwing it up! (to Jak e) Your tie's crooked! (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria and Tom are on the couch; Tom is laying flat on his back, his head on Dar ia's lap) Tom - You sure are comfortable. Daria - Oh, good, then I've achieved my goal. (fade into fantasy sequence) Tom - Have you met my girlfriend Daria? (screen widens to reveal a recliner shaped like Daria)

Tom - She's the perfect companion piece. No muss, no fuss. (sits) She offers the very best in lumbar support and durability. (Daria-chair groans softly) Tom - Dating doesn't get any easier than this. (Tom stands up, and the Daria-chair falls on its side; she looks extremely depre ssed) (at Buzzdome.com) (Jake is setting up his desk; Jackleene is castrating another customer over the phone) Jackleene - You're the only person on Earth having this problem! Are you sure yo u have the latest version of Flash? (Sameer approaches) Sameer - Hey, Jake. Thought you might like to know they're serving lunch. It's c atered. Jake - Free lunch? This place is great! (Jake and Sameer walk to the lunchroom) Sameer - Hey, you buying in on that shopping mall project? Jake - Huh? Sameer - Oops, sorry, forgot. You got here after we went public. You probably do n't need any big write-offs. Jake - Hey, can I ask you something? Sameer - I'm the idea guy. Jake - What exactly does this company... do? Sameer - We provide tools to help other Internet start-ups maximize their potent ial and expand the virtual marketplace. (pause as Jake attempts to understand; he's nowhere close) Sameer - Listen, Jake, I get paid big money to sit around and daydream. I'm not about to rock the boat. (Jake and Sameer enter the lunchroom; Nora and Zhengdong are already there, look ing through magazines) Nora - Danish modern furniture is so biomorphic. Do you think six K for a coffee table is too much? Zhengdong - Not if you love it. Look, the original Batmobile is up for sale. Thi nk I'll put in a bid. Jake - You guys got in on the stock offering, too?

Nora - That was such a cool day. (Jake sighs) Zhengdong - Hey, Nora, thanks for that Java patch. Jake - Hey, do those things really help you quit smoking? (everyone laughs) Sameer - Jake, you're as funny as a case-sensitive search engine. Jake - Heh. Zhengdong - Well, I've got a ton of clickthroughs to calculate. (gets up and sta rts to leave) Jake - Have fun cruising the information superhighway. Zhengdong - Information superhighway? Jake, that is so 1992. Sameer - Next thing, you'll be telling us you still use Hypercard 1.0. (everyone laughs; Jake laughs half-heartedly, then sighs) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Jake is at the kitchen table, working on his laptop; Daria is looking over his shoulder) Jake - Backslash, backslash, damn it! Got to remember it's a backslash! Daria - Relax. It's not like you depend on the Internet for a living. Jake - Right. Hey, thanks for helping me out, kiddo. I think I'm starting to get the hang of the world wide weberverse. Huh... should I copyright that? Daria - I'm sure someone already has. Jake - I'm really going to wow 'em at work tomorrow! Oh, look, I'm receiving som e sort of message in code. (laptop screen shows random characters being displaye d) Looks technical. This is exciting! Daria - You're leaning on the keyboard again. Jake - Oh, right. Good call. (next morning) (doorbell rings, and Quinn answers the door; it's Tom) Quinn - Oh... hello. Tom - Hi, Quinn. Is Daria home? Quinn - Possibly. Or she might have gone out. I don't remember. Tom - Can you check? Quinn - Whom shall I say is calling?

Tom - Tom. Quinn - Oh, right. Sometimes things just slip my mind. Like names, or what day i t is. Tom - It's Tuesday. Quinn - So that would make the day after, the day after tomorrow... Daria - Tom? What are you doing here? Quinn - Oh, Daria, you're back! I left your many messages on the refrigerator. I wrote them down in case I forgot. (whispers) Just trying to help. (leaves) Tom - I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd see if you wanted to take a walk . Daria - Nothing better to do? Tom - That's it. Daria - I'll get my jacket. (at Buzzdome.com) (Jake is clicking away at his laptop; Noah Barkman approaches) Barkman - Hey, Jake, how's it going? Jake - I'm multitasking. Finishing up this presentation while I play an MP3, dow nload a cannelloni recipe, and e-mail my congressman to complain about the high cost of car insurance. Barkman - I can't wait to see what you have for us tomorrow. Jake - It's going to rock the world wide weberverse. Barkman - Hmm... we should copyright that. You know, Jake, you remind me of how excited I was starting this place up. I'd code for weeks straight, fueled by cho colate-covered coffee beans, sleeping under the desk. If you look closely you ca n still see the carpet fibers embedded in my cheek. Jake - Eww... Barkman - Here, have some coffee beans. See ya in the A.M. (tosses Jake a bag an d leaves) Jake - Okay, back to work! As soon as I finish this game of two-deck computer so litaire. Now, where the heck did that three of spades go? (later that night; Jake, wired on coffee beans, is working at a frantic pace) Jake - Jake Morgendorffer, that is one beautiful pie chart! Oh, damn, the zombie s are coming over the hill! Bam, bam, bam! An exploding frog cartoon? Got to see that. Good lord, the Nikkei is down! Quick! Move out of yen! Something's happen ing on the panda-cam! "I'm wearing... a polo shirt and khakis. Why do... you ask ?" (laptop starts whirring; it does not sound healthy)

Jake - Hey! Stupid tiny hourglass! (clicks mouse frantically) Spin, damn you, sp in! (laptop whirs slower, then crashes spectacularly) Jake - Yah... oh... aah...! (picks up laptop and starts pounding it around) Come back, damn it! Gah...! (in the park) (Daria and Tom are sitting on a bench, talking under the moon and stars) Tom - I always feel so comfortable with you. Daria - You're talking to me, not the bench, right? Tom - I mean I can just relax and be myself. I don't have to worry about impress ing you. Daria - Yeah. Wouldn't want you to do that. (Tom glances at her; he's starting to suspect something is wrong) Tom - If I didn't know better I'd swear you were mad at me. (Daria turns and simply looks back at him) Tom - You are mad at me. Daria - I don't want to talk about it. Tom - You're mad but you won't tell me why. Jeez, Daria, you're acting like... I don't know, a typical girl. Daria - And you're talking like, I don't know, a sexist guy. Tom - I just meant you're usually different. Daria - Oh, that's right. I'm not average. I don't have typical expectations lik e normal girls. Tom - What are you talking about? Daria - Nothing. Just forget I said anything. (turns her head and clams up) Tom - If you're not going to tell me I can't do anything about it. (waits a few moments; Daria still isn't talking) Okay. (Tom leaves, deciding that a strategic withdrawal is better than a no-win argume nt; Daria looks on, upset more at herself than at Tom) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Helen is in bed, working; Daria knocks on the doors and peeks in) Helen - Oh, Daria. Come in. Daria - You're busy.

Helen - Never mind. I'm not getting much done anyway. I can't seem to concentrat e without your father's snoring. (Daria enters and sits on the bed) Daria - Well, um... I was wondering if I could ask you something... Helen - Yes! Daria - Uh, well... Tom and I have been going out for about six months, and... Helen - Oh. Um... Daria, sometimes we may think we're ready for something and it won't change anything but we're really not and it changes everything and in the rush to grow up we sometime forget how precious are the fleeting years before a dulthood's cares... Daria - It's not about sex. Helen - Thank God! I mean, "Oh, I see." But when you're ready, please feel free to come to me. Not that there's any hurry, nor should that statement be interpre ted as some kind of encouragement. Daria - Right. Anyway, it's about our anniversary. It's not that I'm expecting a nything... Helen - And you shouldn't. Daria - I shouldn't? Helen - No. Because you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Trust me. (begin flashback sequence) (a young Jake and Helen are in an outdoor Jacuzzi, surrounded by plants, trees, and candles) Jake - Helen, it's been a year since our commitment ceremony, and I've never fel t more self-realized. Happy anniversary. (hands Helen a gift) Helen - Happy anniversary, Jakie. (hands him a gift) Jake - A leather-bound edition of Das Kapital! Helen, you shouldn't have. Helen - I wanted to give you something that was close to your heart. Jake - Long live the proletariat! I bet this thing will appreciate like crazy. (they kiss, and Helen opens her gift; it's a candle in some unrecognizable shape ) Helen - A candle in the shape of a... wizard? Jake - It's supposed to be a Hobbit. Helen - Oh, of course it is. It's wonderful. Really. And so are you. (kisses Jak e on cheek) Jake - Is the color okay? Because I could have made it in red. Helen - Oh, no... brown is so... soothing.

(dog barks) Jake - Yah! (drops candle into hot water) Augh! Damn dog! (Jake fishes for candle while Helen contemplates dropping his book into the wate r; she decides against it) (Jake finally pulls candle out and hands it to Helen; it's now a misshapen lump of wax) Jake - I can redo the pointy hat. (Helen sighs) (end flashback sequence) Daria - So, you were disappointed, huh? Helen - Well, I would have been if I'd been expecting a diamond bracelet. But I knew that a lot of time and love went into that silly lump of wax. See, Daria, i t doesn't matter what he buys you or where he takes you. The only thing that mat ters is how you feel about each other. Daria - But what if he forgets your anniversary altogether? Helen - (scowls) Show no mercy. (at Buzzdome.com) (Noah, Nora, Zhengdong, Sameer, and Jake are in a meeting; Nora is finishing her presentation) Nora - So, adopting these new protocols means bye-bye, netlag, bye-bye, cornea g umbo, bye-bye, dancing baloney. Oh, yeah, and banner blindness, too. (all compliment her) Barkman - Thanks, Nora. Now Jake is going to wow us with his new plan for increa sing our visibility in the marketplace. (Nora sits while Jake stands at the head of the table) Jake - Increasing visibility is a good thing, and it will surely make us more... visible. To do that we should, uh... develop our strategy and strategize our de velopment. Implement solutions and solutionize implementations. Aggressively. (the room is silent) Jake - (last-ditch effort) Edgy? Barkman - Jake, I hate to say this, but you're just spouting a bunch of buzzword s. You're not paradigm-shifting. You're all sizzle and no steak. Jake - But I did have steak... and charts and graphs and animated dollar bills t hat danced around and sang songs. I was almost finished and then... my screen fr oze. Damn computer! It ate everything! Big, fat, smug, damn, stupid, crappy piec e of crappy crap! (starts sobbing) Barkman - That was great, Jake. Wasn't it great, everyone?

(everyone applauds) Barkman - (gets up) You really helped us get into the mindset of the average Joe . Angry and confused, confounded by a new media he can't possibly begin to under stand. Jake - Yeah! Barkman - Too bad it wasn't an act. (everyone laughs) Jake - So I'm fired? (turns to leave) I'll turn in my mouse pad. Barkman - Wait a second, Jake. How would you like to be a consultant for us? Jake - (turns back) Is that a trick question? Barkman - No, no. I'd like you to be on call as a kind of spur-of-the-moment foc us group. Help us see our work through the eyes of our end-users. Jake - But what is your work? Barkman - Do you want to or not? Jake - Hell yes! Jake Morgendorffer Consulting is back! (at school) (Daria and Jake are walking the halls) Daria - Boy, jump down someone's throat, refuse to tell them why, and suddenly t hey stop calling you. Jane - Well, at least Tom can't accuse you of trying to spoil the mystery. Daria - I really wanted to tell him, but I guess I was too busy playing games. (they walk past the Three J's, who are fawning over Quinn as usual) Jeffy - Gee, Quinn, that jacket looks hot. Joey - Really hot. Jamie - Super hot. Quinn - Yeah. Too bad I couldn't afford the matching mini-skirt. (the Three J's begin battling each other in their efforts to fulfill Quinn's lit tle hint) (next, Daria and Jane walk past Kevin and Brittany) Brittany - Oh, Kevvy, I was only flirting with him to make you jealous. Kevin - But, babe, how could I be jealous if I wasn't supposed to know about it? Brittany - Um... (twirls her hair as she strains brain cells in an attempt to th ink)

(finally, they walk past Ms. Barch and Mr. O'Neill, who are in the midst of a lo ver's spat) Ms. Barch - Oh, now what's wrong? Mr. O'Neill - If you can't figure it out, I'm not going to tell you. (sniffles) Ms. Barch - Every time we have a little argument, there you go, turning on the w aterworks. Daria - Oh, God. This is like that scene in Pinocchio when he discovers he's gro wing ears like the rest of the donkeys. Jane - Well, then, stop being an ass and go talk to Tom. (Daria sighs and starts to leave, bowing to the inevitable) Jane - And always let your conscience be your... Daria - Oh, shut up! (at the Sloane house) (Daria rings the doorbell, waits a very short moment, then turns to leave; Tom t hen opens the door) Tom - Hey... if you're not going to leave a flaming bag of dog crap on the doors tep, at least come in. Daria - Well, can't resist an invitation like that. (Tom lets Daria into the house; they both sit on the couch) Daria - So I admit I've been kind of sensitive lately. And, um, a little... Tom - Distant? Cranky? Childish? Daria - Yes, thank you so much for all the adjectives. See, I was kind of, um, u pset that... oh, God. I can't believe I'm about to say this. The six-month anniv ersary of our first date is tomorrow. Tom - It is? Daria - Quinn brought it up. Tom - So you're mad at me for forgetting something you forgot yourself? Daria - I guess it got me thinking about whether or not... (rushes to get it out ) ...you were taking me for granted and if you really do care that much about th is... relation-date-ship thing. Tom - Of course I do. It's just that I'm not into that corny crap. Daria - Right, 'cause who need pony rides and fancy Italian dinners? Tom - What? Oh... you mean with Jane? Listen, I only took her on those dates aft er our relation-date-ship thing started to fall apart. I started acting romantic to hide the fact that I no longer felt romantic.

Daria - So not remembering our anniversary is a good sign. Tom - Hey, now that I know these things are important to you, we'll celebrate. Daria - But they're not. Tom - Okay, then. Daria - But we can celebrate anyway. Tom - Okay, then. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Jake and Helen are in bed; Jake is snoring away, Helen is working contentedly) Jake - (snorts, then wakes up) Wha... where am I?! Helen - You're safe with me, Jake. Your father's dead and Corporal Ellenbogen's far, far, away. Jake - Whew... um, Helen? Helen - Yes? Jake - I hope you don't think I... I let you down with that job and all. Helen - Jake, I'm glad you're back to normal hours. I missed you. Jake - You did? Helen - Of course I did. Jake - And it doesn't bother you that I'm a... failure? Helen - Not a bit. (Jake sighs) Helen - (oops!) Honey, of course you're not a failure. You're the same kind, dec ent, intelligent man I fell in love with all those years ago. Jake - Really? Helen - You know, there's something I keep in this drawer that always reminds me of why I married you. (Helen pulls out the candle-lump and shows it to Jake, who freaks out) Jake - What the hell is that?! (downstairs; Daria and Tom are on the sofa, sharing Quinn's box of chocolates) Tom - Happy non-anniversary. Daria - Happy non-anniversary to you. Tom - Are you sure Quinn won't mind? Daria - Nah, celebrating anniversaries was her idea.

(closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Fat Like Me Episode #503 Written by Peggy Nicoll (opening theme song) (at the Griffin house) (the Fashion Club is meeting in Sandi's bedroom) Sandi - Then it's unanimous. Under no circumstances will the Fashion Club accept applicants with stubby fingertips. Stacy, what is the next membership qualifica tion on our agenda? Stacy - Weight guidelines -- unless you want to talk about something else. Sandi - If it's all right with you, Stacy, I prefer to conduct this meeting in a n orderly fashion. That said, I move we scale back the number of allowable pound s by three. Quinn - Um, Sandi, I think it's a really cute idea and all, but it might make it really hard to find new members. Sandi - Obviously, I'm the only one in this room concerned with the burgeoning o besity problem tearing apart the very fabric of our land. Stacy - Not the fabric! Sandi - If I must stand alone in setting exemplary standards for others to follo w, so be it. You're all overruled. Next topic. Sam - That's mine! Give it back! Chris - Forget it, jerko! Stacy - Um, the next topic is eyelash density. Chris - You suck! You suck! Sandi - Excuse me. (Sandi gets up and goes into the hallway, where Sam and Chris are fighting on th e stairs over the remote for a toy truck) Sandi - Shut up, you little brats! Sam - Give me the remote! (the truck suddenly goes into motion and heads right for Sandi's legs) Sandi - Oh...! (Sandi trips over the truck and tumbles down the stairs, right past a surprised

Sam and Chris; Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany run out of Sandi's room to see what happ ened, and find Sandi laying at the bottom of the stairs, clutching her leg) Sandi - My leg! It's broken! (at Pizza King) Jane - Wow, you were right. There really are more ZooZoo Drops in a box than Jui cy Joes. Daria - I'm just grateful for the opportunity to enlighten. Now pay up. Jane - Give me a chance to win my money back first? See Kevin over there? (pan t o Kevin and the Three J's at another booth) I bet this five that within ten minu tes he'll stun and amaze his friends by crushing a can to his head. Daria - Nah. It's more of a covering-his-eyes-with-pepperonis-and-pretending-he' s-blind kind of a day. Jane - You're on. (at Kevin's table, Kevin hovers between the soda can and the pizza, then picks u p two slices of pepperoni, puts them over his eyes, and starts walking around li ke he's blind) Kevin - I'm blind! I'm blind! (the Three J's laugh and cheer) Jane - So many talents. (hands money to Daria) He really should run off and join the circus. Daria - Or just run off. (at the Morgendorffer house) (the family is eating dinner) Quinn - And the doctor said Sandi's leg will be in a cast for at least a month. Poor Sandi. Crutches don't go with anything. Daria - That's the same thing those land mine victims are always complaining abo ut. Jake - Damn it! This article says restaurants won't serve meat rare anymore! Som e crap about gastroenterological disorders. Helen - But Jake, you order well done anyway. Jake - Once in a while, a man wants a slab of bloody red steak! Quinn - Isn't anybody listening?! Daria - Oh, hi, Quinn. Didn't hear you come in. Quinn - Fine. If no one cares then I'll just go to my room. (gets up and leaves) Helen - Quinn! Come back. Of course we want to hear about Stacy. Quinn (off-screen) - Sandi!

(in Quinn's bedroom) Quinn - And then I said, "You can't wear sneakers to Chez Pierre," and he said h e didn't know that. Stacy - You know, a guy once took me to a chain restaurant. Quinn - No! Tell us about it. Stacy - Really? (phone rings) Quinn - Hello? Sandi! How are you feeling? (Quinn activates the speakerphone) Sandi (on phone) - How do you think I'm feeling? I can't even give myself a pedi cure with this stupid cast. Tiffany - So then, it's good that you can't go out. Quinn - Are you sure you don't want to have this meeting at your house? Sandi (on phone) - Yes, I'm sure. Unless it's too confusing for you to follow wh at I'm saying from this speakerphone. Quinn - Don't be silly, Sandi. Sandi (on phone) - Silly? Gee, Quinn. Is there anything else you'd like to call me while I'm not there to defend myself in person? Quinn - What I meant was... (phone beeps) Sandi (on phone) - Excuse me. I have a call. (click, pause, click) It's Cashman' s. I'll have to call you back. (hangs up) (all sigh) Quinn - Poor Sandi. Too bad she's not here. I've really missed her these past fe w weeks. Tiffany - Oh, yeah... Stacy - Yeah. (at school, Mr. DeMartino's class) Mr. DeMartino - Brittany. Would you care to tell us some of the factors leading up to the Great Depression? Brittany - Um, when people realized they had no money they got really depressed? Mr. DeMartino - Brittany, explain something. Do you perhaps harbor a powerful ph obia that it might actually hurt to think? Brittany - Um, I think that's pronounced "pheebia."

Mr. DeMartino - Would anyone else care to broadcast their complete lack of educa tion?! Jane - Bet you ten he'll say "imbeciles." Daria - I'm going to go with "morons." Mr. DeMartino - I see. Perhaps it's my own stupidity that allows me to think I c ould actually impart wisdom to a bunch of... Jane - Say it. Daria - Starts with an "m." Mr. DeMartino - Imbecilic morons! (in the hallway) Daria - You know, these little bets have cost you 40 clams so far. If I had a se lf-image, I'd think you were bribing me to be your friend. Jane - Bet you the whole 40 I'm not. Daria - Nice try. Jane - Wait. Clams? Stacy - Guys, guys! Jackie is wearing green shoes with yellow socks! Tiffany - I never did like her. Quinn - I don't believe it. Stacy - I know. I couldn't believe it, either. Quinn - No, I mean it's Sandi. She's come back to school. Stacy - And she's... Tiffany - Fat... (pan to show Sandi, who has very clearly gained weight, hobbling down the hallwa y in crutches) (at school) Sandi - Gee, Tiffany, why don't you take a picture? It will last longer. Tiffany - But I don't have a camera. Sandi - I mean, you can stop staring at me. Quinn - We weren't staring. We were, um... looking at your skirt. It looks reall y cute over that cast. Stacy - You can hardly tell you've gained... a cast. Quinn - Hi, guys!

Jamie - Quinn! You spoke to us! Jeffy - Can I walk you to class? Joey - No, me! Quinn - Guys, look who's back! Sandi. (Quinn tries to point Sandi out, and notices that she's hobbling towards the doo r as fast as her crutches can carry her; finally, Sandi makes it outside and clo ses the door behind her) Sandi - This can't be happening. I'm ruined! Why me? Oh, God, why me? (panting) (split-screen phone call, with Quinn in her bedroom and Stacy in hers) Quinn - Sandi wasn't in Mr. O'Neill's class, either, so she must have left schoo l. Gee, I hope it doesn't have anything to do with, well, you know... not that s he looks that bad. Stacy - I know. She looks really good for a fat person. She could inspire fat pe ople. Quinn - Stacy, I don't think we should use the "F" word when talking about Sandi . Stacy - Right. She could inspire the thinly challenged everywhere. Like, travel around the world in a Winnebago and show people you can be fa... differently wei ghted... and still have great color sense. (Quinn's phone beeps) Quinn - Um, Stacy, hold that thought. (click) Sandi! Sure, I'll be right over. ( hangs up and leaves) Stacy - Quinn? Quinn?! But, Quinn, I didn't say fat. (in Sandi's bedroom) Sandi - Quinn, you're so lucky you have your thinness. Quinn - Oh, Sandi, you're not that not that thin. Sandi - It's sweet of you to say that, Quinn. Thank you for being my best friend . Quinn - Sandi, I... Sandi - And as my best friend, I want you to be the first to know that, out of r espect to the Fashion Club's stringent obesity policy, I am resigning the presid ency. Quinn - Sandi, you can't resign! Sandi - Please, Quinn, this is painful enough as it is. All I ask is that, after you assume the presidency, you'll try to remember me as I used to be. Quinn - Me? President? Sandi - I'm just grateful I'm being replaced by someone who truly excels in acce

ssorizing. Quinn - Sandi, I could never replace you! Sandi - Really? Quinn - Of course not! You're... Sandi - Quinn... that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Refusing the presidency out of respect for our friendship. (wipes away the tears in her eyes) Quinn - Uh, what I mean is, I couldn't do the job just like you... Sandi - You don't have to explain. If I live another 20 years I'll never be able to express the gratitude I feel for your unwavering devotion. I humbly accept y our resignation. Quinn - Um... don't mention it. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria and Jane are watching TV in the living room) SSW Announcer - Meet the psychic Nazi hunter who says the Fuhrer's been reincarn ated... as a madcap leggy blonde! "There's something about Hitler," tonight on S ick, Sad World. Jane - How much do I owe you now? Daria - Still 40. Jane - Clams? Daria - Simoleons. Try to keep up. Quinn - You're not going to believe what happened! Daria - You're right. Save your breath. Quinn - Sandi resigned from the Fashion Club because she's fat, and then I had t o resign to show Sandi my support, although I didn't really mean to resign, and now I don't know what's going to happen because there's no way there can even be a Fashion Club without me and Sandi! Daria - Um, Quinn? It's me, Daria. (Quinn gasps and leaves) Jane - Did I hear right? The death of the Fashion Club? That at last the people shall be free? Daria - Not likely. That club's like a hydra. You cut off one airhead, two more grow back. Jane - Hmm. Care to put a wager on that? Say, 40 piasters? Daria - Make it spondulicks. (Jake enters, carrying several fast foot bags)

Jake - Damn it, Daria! Special orders my foot! Medium! Medium! Medium! Our freed om of choice is gone! Daria - Quinn! Dad's here and he wants to hear all about Sandi! (in Quinn's bedroom) Quinn - Before we begin the meeting, I have an announcement to make. Sandi has r esigned from the Fashion Club. Stacy - Quinn, that's terrible! Not that we shouldn't respect her decision. Tiffany - Yeah, that's awful... oh, well. Quinn - She says she can't even come back to school because it hurts too much to walk in her cast. Stacy - So if you're the vice president and Sandi's resigned, then you must be t he new president. Tiffany - Congratulations... Quinn - Well, actually... Stacy - So what's the first item of business, President Quinn? The best presiden t ever! Tiffany - Long live the Quinn! Hey...! Quinn - Guys, stop it! I'm resigning, too. Tiffany - What? Stacy - Oh, no! Was it something I said? Something I did? Quinn - No, Stacy. See, I kind of had to promise Sandi I'd resign. Tiffany, I gu ess you're the president now, and Stacy, you're vice president. Stacy - Quinn, you can't go! What will we do without you?! Quinn - You're going to carry on the Fashion Club mission. You'll stop the verti cally challenged from wearing really fat stripes, point out icky fibers to icky fibers wearers, and fight frosted shadows wherever you go, unless it's at a cost ume party. You'll hold yourselves up to the highest standards possible. No ankle boot too pointy, no chartreuse too chartreusey, and no mock turtleneck too mock y. And finally, you will never, ever date anyone less attractive than you are... although equally attractive is okay. (Stacy begins sobbing) (at school) (Daria and Jane are walking the hallways0 Daria - My sources tell me that, though diminished by half, the soldiers of styl e battle on. Jane - Huh? Daria - The Fashion Club still exists. Give me my 40 George W's.

Jane - Daria, please. These girls aren't the swiftest boats in the current. Give them some time to realize they've broken up. Daria - You're not trying to weasel out of paying me? Jane - No! Just making sure you don't think I'm buying your friendship. (Daria grumbles) (at the Blum-Deckler house, in Tiffany's bedroom) Stacy - Come on, Tiffany, you're the president. Start the meeting and pick a top ic already. Tiffany - Topic...? Stacy - You know, like Sandi used to. She'd say something like "nail decals" and Quinn would say they're pass and Sandi would ask if Quinn knew the difference be tween pass and retro and Quinn would explain what she meant to say and we'd move on to the next topic. Tiffany - Hmm... topic. I know. How about fashion? Stacy - Um, maybe if we tried begging Quinn to come back. (at school) Stacy - But, Quinn, you have to return to the Fashion Club. We need you! Tiffany - Really need you. Quinn - Guys, I would if I could, but I can't because I promised Sandi. Stacy - But she doesn't have to know. Please? Tiffany - Okay... I'll think about it. (Jane, who's just down the hall, overhears) Stacy - Thank you, thank you, thank you, Quinn! (Stacy and Tiffany leave and Jane goes over to Brittany, whose locker is near Qu inn's) Brittany - Or is it 16 times to the right? Jane - Brittany, let me ask a hypothet... make-believe question. What would you do if you found out Angie went on a date with Kevin? Brittany - But Angie would never do that to me. She's my friend. Jane - And friends don't go behind other friends' backs, do they? I knew this gi rl who went behind her friend's back and felt so guilty about it she ended up in an insane asylum and they made her wear drawstring pants and a big plastic brac elet. Brittany - Serves her right, the back-stabber! (Quinn gasps and hurries off)

Jane - Anyhoo, thanks for straightening that out for me. (leaves) Brittany - Ooh, I can't believe Kevvy cheated on me with Angie! Wait till I get my hands on him! (at the Rowe house) Quinn (on speakerphone) - Stacy, I want to come back but I just can't wear draws tring pants. Tiffany - Brr... Stacy - What? Quinn (on speakerphone) - I mean, I can't betray Sandi. You'll just have to find some new members. (phone beeps) Oh, God, what if that's her? Got to run. (hangs up) Stacy - (sighs) I guess we're on our own. Anyway, I thought up some topics... if that's okay with you. Tiffany - Sure. Stacy - Let's begin with a debate on crew necks. Now, I think people with long n ecks look really good in them because they make their necks look long. Tiffany - Do you think I look good in crew necks? Stacy - Of course. You look good in anything. But what about the color? I think I prefer pastels. Tiffany - Do you think I look good in pastels? Stacy - Um, yes, Tiffany. Anyway, I don't care how long her neck is. I can't bel ieve she dated Matt Damon. Tiffany - Do you think I'd look good with Matt Damon? Stacy - (sighs) Quinn's right. We need more members. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria is at the kitchen table, eating ice cream; Quinn is talking to Stacy on t he phone) Quinn - You can't let Gina into the Fashion Club. Her teeth are thick. Heidi?! W ith the clogs?! Gee, I guess there really aren't any suitable girls at school. M aybe the club should break up. Stacy, stop crying. Stacy...! (Quinn sighs and hangs up, then walks over to Daria) Quinn - Ice cream out of the carton? You're going to end up like Sandi! Daria - I suppose your friendship is over now that she can't squeeze into a size zero. Quinn - Daria, I am not shallow. Besides, it's not like Sandi's gotten ugly or a nything.

Daria - Wow, I've really misjudged you. I never realized you'd be willing to sac rifice your own popularity for the sake of friendship. Quinn - What do you mean? Daria - Well, you and I both know how society discriminates against the overweig ht, even to the point of shunning them. The old Quinn might even have done it he rself. But this new Quinn? Willing to stick by her friend no matter how heavy sh e gets, even if it costs you your own status? Wow. Simply wow. Quinn - Um... yeah. Daria - Some more shallow friend might try to make Sandi lose weight so she coul d rejoin the Fashion Club and return life to normal, but not you. You accept her as she is. Kudos to you, Quinn Morgendorffer. Quinn - Uh... thanks! Got to go! (Quinn hurries off, while Daria smirks triumphantly) (at the Griffin house) (Quinn is pounding on the front door) Quinn - Sandi, open up! It's an emergency! (Sam and Chris open the door) Both - Quinn! (Sam and Chris escort Quinn to Sandi's bedroom; there, Quinn gasps: Sandi, sans cast, is on the bed in a mumu, scarfing down chocolates) Sandi - I told you little creeps no visitors! (she throws the box at the boys, w ho run off as Quinn walks towards the bed) Go ahead, laugh at my disfigurement. (sniffles) Quinn - I would never laugh at you, Sandi. Besides, you're not disfigured. You'r e beautiful on the inside. That's all that counts. Sandi - Then what are you doing here? Quinn - I'm going to make you fit to go out in public again. Sandi - What? Quinn - Now that your cast is off, I'm here to help you lose weight. Sandi - Oh, Quinn, can't you see that it's too late? My life is over! Quinn - Sandi, you're not 30. Now let's get started. (Quinn puts an aerobics tape into the VCR and plays it) Instructor (on tape) - I know it's hard to believe, but I once weighed over a hu ndred pounds. (Sandi begins crying) Quinn - What's wrong, Sandi?

Sandi - Nothing. It's just... oh, Quinn, I love you so much! (both girls are now crying as Quinn hugs Sandi) Quinn - Oh, Sandi, I love you, too! (at school; Stacy and Tiffany are walking the halls) Stacy - Quinn's right. There just aren't any girls up to the Fashion Club's stan dards. If only looks weren't everything. Tiffany - I know. Too bad we can't let boys in. Stacy - Tiffany, that's a great idea. Tiffany - What? Stacy - About the boys. Tiffany - Boys? Where? (Stacy sighs and walks up to the Three J's) Stacy - Hey, guys. Are you doing anything this afternoon? Because Tiffany and I would really like it if you could come over to my house for sodas. Jeffy - Will Quinn be there? Jamie - Quinn? Joey - Yeah, Quinn! Stacy - Er, no... there will be a discussion on swimwear. Jeffy - A discussion? Stacy - Um, I mean, we want to show you some girls in bikinis! Three J's (at once) - Babes in bikinis! Nice! All right! We're there! (pan to Daria and Jane, who have witnessed the entire exchange) Daria - So Jamie, Jeffy and Joey are going to Stacy's to talk style. Jocks on fr ocks -- sounds like a Fashion Club meeting to me. Jane - Trust me, it will be the last. Daria - Uh-huh. Jane - Care to double our bet? Daria - It's your wampum. Jane - Prepare to kiss your moolah good-bye. (at the Rowe house) (Stacy, Tiffany, and the Three J's are in the living room)

Jeffy - Let's see the bikinis! Joey - Yeah, bikinis! Stacy - Um, that's not till later. Right now we're discussing tank tops. Joey - Tanks are cool! Jamie - Yeah, like in that movie, World War Blood? Stacy - Um, I didn't see that movie. What color were the tank tops? Jeffy - Green! You want the enemy to spot your tank? Tiffany - Well, yeah... that's kind of the whole idea. Jamie - But what about the element of surprise? Tiffany - You surprise them by looking really hot. Joey - He's talking about war. Tiffany - So am I. Jeffy - No, you know, conceal and surprise? Tiffany - You think I need concealer? Jamie - Um, where are the bikinis, anyway? Jeffy - Yeah! Bikinis! Stacy - Right here. Three J's (together) - Yeah! Excellent! Stacy - Which fabric do you like best? (holds up a magazine) Joey - Fabric? (the Three J's suddenly realize that things aren't what they though they were) Joey - We've got to go... do something. Jamie - Yeah. Jeffy - Uh, prior engagement. (the Three J's run out of the house) Stacy - The Fashion Club is falling apart! What are we going to do? Tiffany - Hmm... I do need concealer. (at the Lawndale Health Spa) (Sandi is doing laps in the pool; Quinn is timing her, and noting her progress o n a chart) Sandi (panting) - Can't... I... rest?

Quinn - Did Cleopatra rest when she was inventing mascara? Did Neferiti rest whe n she was posing for statues? Did Helen of Troy rest when she was doing whatever it was she did? Beauty never rests! Now, swim, you cow, swim! Sandi - What?! Quinn - Sorry -- coach talk. (at school, in the girl's bathroom) (Stacy is brushing her hair and muttering angrily, while Daria and Jane wash the ir hands and look on) Jane - Should we tell her it's easier to speak if you open your mouth? (Tiffany enters the bathroom) Tiffany - Stacy, what time is the Fashion Club meeting today? Stacy - There is no meeting. Tiffany - How co... Stacy - How come?! Because I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of doing all the wo rk while you just sit there. I tried my best, and even if it wasn't as good as S andi's or Quinn's, a chain is only as strong as its weakest round thingy, and yo u refused to lift one freakin' finger! I'm through running the Fashion Club all by myself while you (imitates Tiffany) stare... in the mirror... and talk... abo ut yourself... (normal voice) and I, I, I quit! Tiffany - Hmm, maybe I should quit, too. (Stacy shrieks and runs out, while Tiffany -- oblivious as usual -- starts pluck ing her eyebrows) Jane - You saw it here first. The Fashion Club is dead. Pay me my 80 smackers. (Daria hands Jane the money) (in the hallway, Daria and Jane approach a crowd of people) Daria - Don't look now, but I think the guy with the balloon animals is back. Stacy - It's Sandi! And she's... thin. (indeed, Sandi is back to her former weight; she stands tall while Quinn proudly shows off her accomplishment) (a defeated Jane sighs and tosses her former winnings into the air, while Daria smirks triumphantly) (at the Morgendorffer house) (the Fashion Club is meeting in Quinn's bedroom) Sandi - Then it's agreed. Applicants can't have stubby fingertips or nails short er than one-quarter of an inch. (all agree)

Sandi - Next topic: weight requirement. (clears throat) I move that we review ma ximum allowable weights on a case by case basis. Quinn - That's a great idea, Sandi! (others agree) Quinn - Let's move on to eyelashes. Sandi - Um, Quinn... as president of the Fashion Club, I believe it is my job to decide on the topic for membership guidelines, unless there was a change of pro tocol in my absence that allows the vice president to switch topics at whim. Quinn - But Sandi, how would I know that? I resigned after you resigned because you were, well, you know, not yourself, not that I wanted either of us to resign . Remember? (pause as Stacy and Tiffany look on; Sandi backs off) Sandi - Right... moving on. No one with a low eyelash count should be admitted. No exceptions. Quinn - But Sandi... with all the thickening mascaras available you can always m ake it look like you have more eyelashes than you really do, so is the actual nu mber of lashes really that important? Sandi - Quinn, are you proposing artifice? Stacy - I agree with Quinn. Tiffany - Me, too. (Sandi looks at Stacy and Tiffany, then decides to cut her losses: it's the firs t time that both girls have stood their ground and disagreed with her) Sandi - Fine, but any eyelash-deficient applicants must agree to wear mascara at all times. (Sandi looks uneasily at her fellow club members as she realizes that things are n't going to be the same as they were before) (in the kitchen; Daria is reading the newspaper as Jake approaches) Jake - Finally! A place that still respects good old freedom of choice! Behold, the Beef N Cake triple patty burger served medium rare, just like Jakey ordered! Daria - Beef N Cake? I guess their refrigeration problems must be over. Jake - (pause) Damn gastroenterological disorders! (puts down food and leaves) (Daria pauses, then smiles as she calmly picks up the burger for herself) (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Camp Fear

Episode #504 Written by Jonathan Greenberg (Transcript created by Richard Lobinske) (opening theme song) (Exterior view of Morgendorffer home. Cut to view in kitchen sink drain, looking up at Jake holding a flashlight in on hand and using salad tongs in the other t o fish for something in the drain) Jake - Damn salad tongs! (Daria walks up behind Jake) Daria - Wristwatch trying to make a break for it again? Jake - Lousy stupid watch just slipped off the counter without any provocation! (Jake turns and smiles) Jake - Hey, Daria. You've got small hands. Daria - But my big brain tells me not to stick them into garbage disposals. Jake - Why do they always put these stupid drains right in the middle of the sin k anyway? (pulls hand away) Oww! (Quinn enters carrying letter) Quinn - Dad! Guess what? Camp Grizzly is having a fifth-year reunion. Daria - Quick, put on CNN so we can catch the action as it unfolds. (Helen enters with letter, hands it to Daria) Helen - Daria, you got an invitation, too. (Daria opens letter) Helen - And Jake, you got another one of those John Wayne collectable coins. (Helen hands Jake a package, which he opens and pulls out a coin) Jake - Rio Bravo! I'll going to put this one up next to Rio Lobo. Huh? Looks a l ittle like Rio Grande. Daria - Darn. This reunion is next weekend, and I already promised Prince Charmi ng I'd go to the ball. Quinn - Well, I'm going. I can't wait to see the friends I made in my days of ch ildish innocence, before high school and its web of complicated and competitive relationships. When just being girls together was enough. Daria - Have you been watching Little Women again? Jake - You know, The Duke made a movie called, Big Jake. (John Wayne imitation) Well, pilgrim. Helen - Daria. Don't you have the slightest urge to relive your old camp memorie s?

Daria - Why would I want to return to a place where I was flatteringly referred to as "The Weird Kid?" Helen (sighs) - Very well. I can't make you go. Besides, Dad and I could really use some help cleaning out the garage next weekend. Daria - Speaking of forced labor... Jake - We're cleaning out the garage? Helen - We are now. Jake - But what happened to the weekend at the Country Inn? Helen - I told you, I have to work Saturday, the Inn is out. Jake - Stupid, lousy...! (Metallic click heard) Jake - Dammit! My new coin just slipped down the disposal without any provocatio n! Daria - Hey, Quinn, you've got small hands. (Exterior view of Lane home, cut to basement with Mystik Spiral set up to practi ce. Trent and Nick hold guitars, Max is behind his drums and Jesse is seated on a cushion holding a sitar) Max - I'm not playing with that...thing! Jesse - It's not a thing, it's a sitar. It sounds very spiritual, chicks love th at crap. Max - Dude! We're the Spiral! We're not spiritual, we're hardcore! Nick - Spiritual? Are we doing a gig at a church? Jesse - Man, we have to experiment or we'll get stale. You know, if a shark does n't keep swimming, it just stands still. Max - We're not a damn fish. Right Trent? Trent - Um, I don't know, guys. Max - The Spiral rocks on its own. (Max, Nick and Jesse argue and Trent walks away) (View of television screen showing a patient in a hospital room, with a surveill ance camera focused on him) SSW Announcer - What kind of sicko voyeur would set up a hidden camera in an Int ensive Care Unit? The peek-a-boo ICU, next on Sick, Sad World. (Jane and Daria sitting on Jane's bed, watching television) Jane - Come on, camp's not so bad. At least you didn't have to spend summers on a commune with your parents' friends.

Daria - Your parents' friends didn't make you hop a mile in a burlap sack. Jane - Your camp counselors didn't make you make a burlap sack. Daria - Skip Stevens, the self-proclaimed Big-Man-On-Camp, never made you sing; "We'll never forget you, dear old Camp Grizzly, you're with us in sunshine and w eather more drizzly." Jane (momentarily quiet) - I was going to bring up the composting next, but I kn ow when I'm beat. (Trent enters) Trent - Hey. Jane - Let me guess, you woke up at four this afternoon and couldn't get back to sleep. Trent - It's not just that, it's Spiral. I think we're past our prime. Jane - I believe you're supposed to hit your prime before you pass it, but okay. Trent - Maybe we should just break up. Jane - Trent, think about what you're saying. You're talking about your primary means of unemployment. Trent - Yeah, think. That's what I need to do. Get away and think. Jane - Hey, why don't Trent and I give you a ride to your reunion? We can hang o ut in the sticks while you're leading the color war. A waste of time will be had by all. Trent - Hmm. Daria - There's just one catch. Jane - What's that? (View through windshield of "The Tank," Trent is driving, Quinn is in passenger seat, Daria and Jane in back) Quinn - Eww! eaters. God, anyone would e are beyond Look how dirty those sheep are! From now on, I buy only imported sw I bet there's not an outlet store within a hundred miles. Not that know what to buy after living out here for so long. Huh, some peopl help.

Daria - I was just thinking the same thing. Trent - Anyway, as I was saying, we've lost our inspiration. I always said I'd g et out of music before I became a clich. Jane - I don't remember you ever saying that. Trent - Not in words, in my solos. (The Tank turns off road at sign for Camp Grizzly) Quinn - Stop here, I have to get out.

Daria - Couldn't you have told us this two hours ago? Quinn - Ha. And don't worry about taking me home, I'll find my own ride. Jane - She didn't say that just to get our hopes up, did she? (Tank continues down driveway to camp while Quinn walks, and then pulls into a p arking space. Daria, Jane and Trent exit. Cut to Quinn approaching three girls) Cindy - Quinn! Quinn - Tracy, Cindy, Tatiana! Hey, can I have a ride home? Daria - Great, just like I remembered. (Wavy line transition to flashback. Helen, Jake and younger Daria step out of a light blue sedan parked in the same spot as the Tank) Helen - Daria, you're never going to make friends if you keep your nose buried i n a book. Daria - Let's hope. (Helen sighs and takes book away from Daria) Daria - Hey! Helen - Now where's Quinn? Jake - Dammit! I knew we forgot something. (Back window of car rolls down to show young Quinn hiding inside) Helen - Come on, Quinn. We're here. (Helen opens door) Quinn - I don't want to go to camp! (Helen pulls Quinn from car) I don't want to go to camp! Hey, that girl has my backpack! (Quinn runs over to younger Tracy, Cindy and Tatiana) Quinn - Look, I have the same backpack. Tracy - Hmm. I can see where the untrained eye would think so. It's quite a skil lful imitation. Quinn - Um, I like your hair. Cindy - Who's that weird girl over there with your parents? Tatiana - She's so pale Quinn - That's my sis...cousin! Distant cousin. (View of Daria next to car, unhappy and rolling eyes away. Wavy line transition to present day) Daria - And I've been her distant cousin ever since.

Jane - So this is where it all began. Daria - Speaking of unpleasant memories. (Amelia enters) Amelia - Daria? Is that you? Daria - No, I'm a decoy to flush out assassins. (sighs) Hi, Amelia. Amelia - Thank God! I was afraid you weren't coming, and then there would be no reason for me to come, because I wouldn't have anyone to talk to. What's new? Jane - Hmm. Daria having a secret fan club is pretty new. Trent - Really. Amelia - You have a fan club? Cool! Jane - Daria, when I met you, you said you were a big outcast who nobody liked. Has our whole life together been a lie? (View of Daria frowning) Skip (VO) - Hey, Grizzlies! (Skip enters with pile of t-shirts, which he hands out) Skip - Skip Stevens, Alumni Coordinator. Grab a Grizzly t-shirt. Amelia (pointing to Jane and Trent) - But they didn't go here. Skip- Camp Puma, I should have known. (takes shirts back) Ha, nice try, kitty-ca ts, but Grizzlies rule! Grroowl! Go Grizzlies! Jane - You know, we really should be going. Skip - Now come on, let's see some camp spirit. Put these Pumas in their place. Trent - Yeah, we better hit the road. (Jane and Trent get into The Tank and leave) Skip - Come on! I'll start us off! Go Grizzlies! Go Grizzlies! Go Grizzlies! (Exterior view of Morgendorffer home with the garage door open. Helen and Jake a re in the garage, going through boxes) Jake (VO, voice muffled) - Hey, honey! Helen - Ah! (Jake is wearing SCUBA gear and pulls mouthpiece away, laughing) Jake - I'd forgotten we'd had all this stuff! It must have been ages ago that we went SCUBA diving. I can't even remember it. Helen - Memory sure is a funny thing.

Jake - When was that, Helen? Helen - Gee, um, I don't recall. (nervous laugh) Jake - I remember going to that diving school and getting certified. Lousy chlor ine poisoning! 'Cause we were taking that two-week vacation in the Caribbean and then...oh, yeah. Now I remember, you couldn't go, you had some merger or someth ing and we had to postpone the trip. Helen - Oh, um yes, that's right. Jake - We never did reschedule it. Helen - We didn't? (points) Oh, look, a scooter! (Jake looks in that direction and then turns back to Helen, frowning) (Exterior view of a rustic building with General Store on the roof. The Tank is parked outside. Cut to interior view showing Jane and Trent checking out and a m an in overalls and a baseball cap behind the counter) Earl - Will this be all for you? Trent - Yeah. Earl - Can I tempt you with a cookie? Me and my wife made them right back in the house, there. Jane - Two bucks apiece? There must be gold in that icing. Earl (chuckles) - Oh, no. It's not what you put into the cookies, it's what you put into the cookies. You know what I mean? Jane - Oh, sure. You're saying you have echolalia. Echolalia. Trent - I know what you mean. The two bucks isn't for the ingredients. The cooki e's valuable because of the part of yourself that went into it. Earl - Right! Trent - Man, that's something to think about. Jane - This part of yourself...it wasn't one of the squishier organs, was it? Earl - Right now, we're trying to come up with the perfect potato chip. You kids interested in potato chips? Jane - Not really. Trent - Yeah. (Jane glares at Trent) (Mr. Potts and Skip are on the porch of a camp building, the reunion attendees g ather around) Mr. Potts (into microphone) - Before we begin our hike... (looks at Skip) Is thi s thing on? Hello? Skip - It's on, Mr. Potts!

Mr. Potts - Thank you, Skip. Skip - No, thank you, Mr. Potts! Mr. Potts (sighs) - We're real glad to see all these former Grizzlies at the reu nion. And, when the time comes that you have cubs of your own, we hope they'll b e proud to say, "I'm a Grizzly, grr." (weak laugh) Everyone ready for a hike? (Faint muttering from crowd) Skip - He said, "Is everyone ready for a hike?" (Slightly louder muttering from crowd) Daria - I wish Skip would take a hike. Amelia (laughs) - You're funny, Daria. Hey, where's your t-shirt? Daria - I'm not wearing it. (crowd begins wandering off) Amelia - I guess we better join them. Daria - You go ahead. I don't want to scare the other hikers with my limp. Amelia - Hmm. Do you think they'd mind if I stayed here, too? Daria - Amelia, have you ever played Monopoly? Amelia - Of course, why? Daria - You're not in camp any more. You're just visiting. Do what you want. Amelia - Cool! I'm staying with you. Daria - Great. (They exit, cut to Daria and Amelia seated at picnic table with Daria reading a book) Amelia - This reminds me of the time you boycotted the End-of-Summer campfire by the lake. That was so cool. Daria - Actually, I wasn't invited. Amelia - Oh. (pause, then laugh) Remember the time you took off on your horse an d left us all behind. Daria - You mean the time the time the horse ran off with me on it and tossed me in the river, and I had to have nine stitches? Amelia - Oh, right. Hey, remember that awful game with the watermelon? (Daria looks very cross) (Wavy line transition to young Daria, Amelia and Skip with other campers dressed in swimwear on the end of a dock. Mr. Potts looks on)

Mr. Potts - We've greased the watermelon with extra vaseline this time. (laughs) Skip - You guys are dead meat. (points) Dead meat. Mr. Potts - Easy there, Skip. Now, after I blow the whistle, whichever team brin gs the watermelon ashore gets to eat it. Ready, Grizzlies? Skip - Let's go, team. Let's kick their butts! (Campers line up on edge of dock, Mr. Potts blows whistle and all but Daria jump or dive in. Skip looks back) Skip - Come on, slacker! (Skip grabs Daria's hand and pulls her in the water, sending her glasses flying) (Wavy line transition to Quinn, Tracy, Cindy and Tatiana hiking with other atten dees) Tracy - I can't believe they're making us hike like this. Cindy - I know, it's not like they ever did this stuff when we were campers. Quinn - Actually, um, they did have hikes. We just didn't go, remember? Tatiana - Oh, yeah. Tracy - That's right. A camper has to know when active is too active. Like, now. (Amid general consents, all four sit on the grass) Cindy - Hey, this reminds me of that watermelon game. Quinn - Oh, yeah. (Wavy line transition to the four younger girls in swimsuits on beach chairs whi le Skip runs up to them from the water) Skip - Hey, you're supposed to be chasing the greasy watermelon! Tracy - Skip, we don't do greasy. Skip - You guys have no camp spirit. (Skip exits) Tracy - Geek. Quinn - I wonder who'll bring us the watermelon today? (three boys run out of the water carrying a watermelon) Cindy - Billy. Tracy - Bobby. All Four - Benjy. (Boys begin fighting over the watermelon, followed by wavy line transition to pr esent)

Quinn - I loved that game. (Helen and Jake in garage, Jake holds up a hiking backpack) Jake - We never did take that camping trip. You know why? Helen - The combustible ketchup lawsuit. Thought we were going to win that one, too. Jake - And what about the ski vacation! Or that bicycle tour? We didn't go on th ose either, because someone had to work! Helen - Well forgive me if I can't always get away. Jake - Can't always? Look around. (picks up ski pole) The word is never. Never! Never! Never! (Sweeps arms and knocks stacked objects over) Damn skis! (Exterior view of country house with the Tank parked beside it, cut to interior, Earl, Trent and Jane seated at table, Barbara brings over a plate of sandwiches ) Earl - There ya go. Bread and cheese slices. Told you my wife could cook. Barbara - Oh, Earl. There's nothing special about cheese sandwiches. Jane - I'll say. Barbara - It's just simple, wholesome food, and ain't no shame in simple if it's good. Trent - Wow. That's really, really true. (Jane takes sandwich and bites into it) Barbara - You kids think you might want another sandwich before your potato chip taste test? (After chewing, Jane removes plastic cheese-slice wrapper from mouth) Jane - That depends, are you going to unwrap the cheese this time? Barbara - Sure thing, if Earl will help me. Earl (gets up) - That's a great idea! (Earl and Barbara exit) Jane - Why the hell did you agree to try their potato chips? You think the in-br eeding adds to the flavor? Trent - These people know something Janey. Their full of country wisdom. Jane - They're full of undigested cellophane. Trent - They can help me figure out where Spiral went wrong. Jane - You guys needed a break from each other, that's all. Jesse gets on Nick's nerves, Nick gets on Max's nerves, you get on Jesse's nerves.

Trent - Janey, that's crazy talk. How could I ever get on anyone's nerves? (Earl and Barbara return with another plate of sandwiches) Earl - Guess what? Barbara - We figured as long as we were unwrapping the cheese, we'd let the brea d thaw out, too. (Long shot of Camp Grizzly. Attendees are seated at picnic tables or lined up at a large barbeque grill that Skip is cooking at) Skip - Get your Grizzly Burgers. Rare, medium, but always well-done. (Daria and Amelia walk up to other side of grill with plates holding hamburger b uns. Daria picks up a burger with a fork and places it on bun) Skip - Hey! What are you doing? Daria - Hunting for my dinner, and I only kill what I plan to eat. Skip - No-one takes a burger until I say so. I've got a whole system here. It's all timed to perfection. Daria - I didn't realize the burgers were landing at Normandy. (Skip uses spatula to take burger from Daria and put it back on grill) Skip - That one's yours, you touched it. I'll let you know when it's ready. Daria - Okay, I'll be on the troopship leading the other burgers in prayer. (Daria and Amelia walk away and sit at a table) Amelia - Wow, Daria. Aren't you afraid you'll make him mad? Daria - What do I care? Amelia - Well, he is like the boss of the camp. Daria - No, he's not. He's the self-proclaimed dictator of a non-existent empire . What's really infuriating is how these artificial societies are made for these petty tyrants. Amelia - Artificial societies? Daria - You know, when you're forced to co-exist with people you'd never seek ou t on your own. Camp, school...life. Amelia - Yeah. Daria - Half these people can't stand Skip, but no-one wants to be the first to challenge him and risk alienation. So, we follow the herd and end up leading liv es of quiet desperation. (Daria opens book and begins reading) Amelia - At least we're not doing that, Daria. (pause) Daria? Did you hear what I said? At least we're not following the crowd.

Daria - Amelia, look at yourself. Amelia - What? Daria - You've been following me around since I got here. Amelia - So? Daria - So you're right. I don't want to be part of a crowd, and I don't want my own crowd, either. Why don't you go find a quiet corner somewhere and practice being an individual? Amelia (surprised) - God, Daria. I was really looking forward to seeing you. I t hought we were friends, but you don't like anybody! (Amelia gets up and leaves) Daria - Amelia. (Skip on porch with microphone) Skip - Attention Grizzlies! You know what time it is? Anthem time! Everybody! We 'll never forget you, dear old Camp Grizzly. (A few voices join in singing) Skip and others - You're with us in sunshine and weather more drizzly. (Jane and Trent are seated at table with a large bowl of potato chips in front o f them while Barbara and Earl stand nearby. Trent is blindfolded and Barbara fee ds him a chip) Barbara - I'll give you a chip and you try to guess what flavor it is. Trent (chews) - Hmm. I don't really taste anything. Barbara - You hear that, Earl? He doesn't really taste anything. Earl - Try another. Trent (eats another chip) - No, still don't taste anything. Earl - All right! Jane (eats chip) - Forgive me for asking, but what flavor are these? Because I d on't taste anything either. (Trent removed blindfold) Barbara - No flavor. See, what's wrong with potato chips today, they fight the d ip! That's why these have no salt, no grease, no taste. It's like having a piece of paper in your mouth. They don't fight the dip! Jane - I can see where you two would come down on the side of the dip. Trent - Wait a minute. Why make potato chips with no taste? I'm getting confused . Jane - Nothing confusing about it, Trent. It's simple; backwoods junk food has n othing to do with music.

Trent - Hmm. Earl - Hey, you guys ready to try some of our home-bottled water? (Earl goes to sink and fills a bottle from the tap) (Jake and Helen in garage) Jake - Maybe I'll just move to a rest home and wait for you to retire. Maybe the n you'll find the time to spend half and hour with ole Jakey! (Jake kicks box. After a pause, picks up a black negligee with a blue ribbon) Helen - Put that down! It's not even your size. Jake - Damn right! And what prepaid vacation was this for! Helen - Actually, Jake. It was going to be a surprise. I booked a cabin for last Valentine's Day, but you had to go to that dot-com dot-com convention instead. So you see, it's not always my schedule that gets in the way! Jake - Oh yeah! (looks at negligee) You were going to surprise me? (holds out ne gligee) Really? Helen - Yes, I was. Believe it or not, I still have some romance left in me, dam mit. Jake - You're beautiful when your angry. (Helen reaches over to caress Jake's arm and at the same time, pulls keys from p ocket) Helen - Do you mean it, Big Jake? (She pushes remote and garage door closes, followed by sound of crashing objects ) Jake (VO) - Damn skis! (Quinn, Tracy, Cindy and Tatiana sitting at picnic table) Tracy - So I said, "I don't care how dangerous it is, I will not go out in a boa t wearing one of those unflattering orange-colored things." (All laugh) Cindy - Hey, remember that stupid square dance? Quinn - Oh, that? Alex Kroger and I ditched it and went down to the beach. Tracy - Quinn, did I hear you say Alex Kroger? Quinn - Yeah. Too bad he didn't make the reunion. Tracy - Alex Kroger? My date for that dance? I waited for him all night. (Quinn briefly looks embarrassed and shrugs) Quinn - Hey, guys. Remember those key chains we made in arts and crafts? (nervou

s laugh) (Tracy stands and tosses two quarters on the table) Tracy - Here's fifty cents. Call Alex and ask him for a ride home. (Tracy, Cindy and Tatiana exit) Tatiana - Sorry, Quinn. Quinn (heavy sigh) - So much for being girls together. (Skip on porch with Mr. Potts, attendees scattered in front of them) Skip - Before I recount some of my favorite Camp Grizzly memories, let's give it up for the Greatest Grizzly of them All, Mr. Potts! (Light clapping) Skip - I can't hear you! (A little more clapping) Skip - I also want to thank all my teammates in the color wars over the years. I n seven years of being a Grizzly, I never lost a war! (Daria sits at table with dejected Amelia) Daria - Gee, maybe I misjudged him. (Amelia scowls and goes up to Skip) Skip - Go Grizzlies! Go Grizzlies! (Amelia takes microphone from Skip) Amelia - Hold on! I want to say something. Skip - Hey! I'm talking! (Amelia pushes him away) Amelia - You're always talking. Give someone else a chance. (Scattered calls from audience supporting Amelia) Amelia - Since I've been coming to this camp, I've been doing whatever Skip tell s me to. Even when I didn't want to or thought it was stupid. Skip - Hey! (More calls from audience) Amelia - And I never challenged him or said anything because I didn't want to ri sk being alienated from the group. Daria - Oh, no. Amelia - So I learned to keep quiet, to just follow the herd, to lead a life of quiet desperation.

Skip - That's enough! (Audience louder in support of Amelia) Amelia - But I'm not going to do that anymore! Because, returning to Camp Grizzl y meant renewing my acquaintance with someone special, a role model, an inspirat ion. Daria - Please don't say my name. Amelia - Daria Morgendorffer. (pause) You know, the Weird Kid? (Audience responds, "Oh, yeah") Amelia - Sure, she's unpleasant, sure, she's antisocial, sure, she says whatever 's on her mind without any regard for other's feelings. But, at least she thinks for herself and marches to her own drummer. (View pans across audience listening intently) Amelia (VO) So for now on, I'm going to start thinking for myself. Just like Dar ia, and I don't care if I end up like her, with no friends. (Amelia on porch with Skip and Mr. Potts) Amelia - I don't ever want to see this stupid campground again! (Crowd cheers) Skip (takes microphone) - You can't just get up here and rag on Camp Grizzly! If you're not part of the team, go hang out with your loser, weirdo friend. Amelia (takes microphone back) - I don't want to be a part of your team, Skip. A nd I don't think anyone here really does. (She removes t-shirt) So here's your G rizzly t-shirt back! (Amelia shoves shirt and microphone at Skip and walks off the porch. Crowd cheer s and take off shirts, all throwing them at Skip) Skip - What are you doing? Mr. Potts, make them stop! They're defiling the Grizz ly name. Mr. Potts - Skip, you take all this way too seriously. This is a camp. A place p arents send their kids to get them out of their hair for a few weeks. Don't make it your whole life. Skip (whimpering) - I wanna go home! (View of attendees standing around camp) Amelia - I'm really glad you liked my speech, Daria. Um, I hope I didn't hurt yo ur feelings. Daria - Hey, it takes more than just words to hurt me, unless they happen to be particularly truthful words strung together in exceptionally observant sentences . (Girl walks up)

Girl - Amelia, thanks for telling off that jerk, and Daria, I guess I never knew you to be such an inspiration. (Jane and Trent enter) Girl - See you around. (Girl exits) Jane - See, what'd I tell you? All these years Daria was the camp darling and sh e kept it from us. Daria - No, I didn't... Trent, Wow, Daria secretly popular, that's going to take some getting used to. Daria - I wasn't popular, I tell you. Jane - When we get back, can I try on your "Miss Camp Grizzly" sash? Daria - Argh! (Daria exits) Jane - Told you that would get her. Trent - Yeah, at least the trip wasn't a total loss. (Jane and Trent seated in the front of the Tank, Daria seated behind) Jane - And that's how a simple comment about a two dollar cookie turned into "Li ttle Hell on the Prairie." Daria - Wow. Trent, I hope you weren't too bummed by that whole thing. I mean, j ust because you thought those people had some insight and they turned out to be idiots, that doesn't mean you should give up on the band. Jane - Trent? Trent (singing) - Your cookies are lame, your chips are the same. You get no res pect, 'cause... Daria - You're missing the train? Jane - My soul's waves of grain? Trent - You're not what you claim. Poser exposed, hoser dehosed, I should step o n your toes, you're deposed. Daria - Something tells me the Spiral lives. Trent - Oh, yeah. The fire is back. Daria - You want a Tums? Jane - You know, I keep thinking we forgot something. Eh, must not be important. Daria - Oh, Quinn got a ride with a friend. (Quinn riding in Skip's AMC Pacer, looking like she'd rather be anywhere else)

Skip - And where does she get off attacking Camp Grizzly? When she's been the wo rst camper ever, and doesn't even try to sing, and never even won anything. You know, camp builds character, and if your not tough enough... Quinn (exasperated) - Could you just be quiet for a while? (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts The Story of D Episode #505 Written by Jacquelyn Reingold (Transcript created by Richard Lobinske) (opening theme song) (View of television screen with "Fashionvision Humanitarian Awards" logo on it. Cut to Fashion Club sitting in Morgendorffer living room. Tiffany and Sandi are seated on the center sofa, Stacy is seated on the floor in front of them, and Qu inn on viewer's right. Drinks and snacks on coffee table) Quinn - Watching the Fashionvision Humanitarian Awards tonight instead of going out was such a good idea, Sandi. (Quinn mutes television with remote) Stacy - They're donating a tenth of a cent to charity for every household tuned in. We're really doing something worthwhile. Tiffany - Sandi, you've made us into contributors. Sandi - Thank you all, I try. (Cut to view of television screen. Blonde in short blue dress, holding a toy poo dle in one arm and award in other hand speaks from a podium) Woman - Thank you, from me and Spongecake. (Poodle barks) Woman - And most of all, from the little children who now get the pedicures they so sorely need. (Cut to Fashion Club in same places. They all sigh as Helen enters talking on co rdless telephone) TV Announcer (VO) - The Fashionvision Humanitarian Awards will be back right aft er... (Quinn turns sound off with remote) Helen (on telephone) - But Rita, if Erin never loved him, why'd she marry him in the first place? (pause) Once he gave her herpes she didn't think anyone else w ould want her? Oh, lord Rita, it's a new millennium. When will people get rid of these outmoded ideas about sex? (places hand over telephone and says to Quinn) Where's your sister? Quinn - In her room.

Helen - Is Tom in there with her? Quinn - Mo-om! I'm not J. Edgar Winter. Helen - Uh! (hands telephone to Quinn) Talk to your aunt! (runs up the stairs) Quinn - Hello? (pause) It's Quinn, Aunt Rita. Well, of course she should divorce him, he's short! (View of inside of Daria's bedroom door. Helen bursts through) Helen - Daria! Why don't you two come downstairs and... (View rapidly changes to Daria's bed, to her television and closet door, and the n to Daria sitting back from typing at her computer) Helen - Um, Tom's not here? Daria - Not unless you've got him secreted somewhere on your person. (beat) You do, don't you. (View of Daria's room with Helen at the door and Daria at her computer) Helen - Oh... hmm... all right, then. (walks away) (Daria returns to typing. After a moment, the telephone rings and she answers) Daria - Hello. (Cut to Jane talking at a pay telephone outside a movie theater) Jane - Okay... the movie just started and you're in the comfort of your own home . So, I'd say you're not going to make it. What would you say? Daria (looks at wristwatch) - Crap. (Daria and Jane exit movie theater and walk along sidewalk) Jane - Gee, who'd have thunk it? It turns out alien superintelligence is no matc h for our earthly can-do spunk. Daria - And beautiful twenty-year old astrophysicists are really looking for a n ice, middle-aged street cop to fall in love with. Jane - Yeah, didn't see that one coming. Daria - I wish I hadn't seen it at all. Jane - Well, if you'd been on time, we'd be deconstructing that comedy from Croa tia instead of It Came From Planet Stupid. What were you doing that was so impor tant, anyway? Daria - Um, working on something. Jane - Oh, I'm satisfied. (stops and crosses arms) Out with it, Morgendorffer. Daria (stops and turns) - Okay, I was writing a short story. Jane - And the big secret is?

Daria - I'm uh, thinking of submitting it somewhere, like a publication. Jane (excited) - Hey! That's a step, when can I read it? Daria - How does next leap year sound? Jane - You're willing to have it published and read by strangers, but you don't want your best friend to see it? Daria - Thank you for understanding. (View of television screen showing Fashionvision Humanitarian Awards set as end credits scroll over image) TV Announcer - Congratulations for watching the Fashionvision Humanitarian Award s. And remember, (cut to previous view of Fashion Club) there's no better feelin g than looking good, doing good. Good night. Quinn (sighs, clicks television remote) - Those models are so unselfish. Tiffany - I feel humbled. Stacy - I wish I could win a Fashionvision Humanitarian Award. Sandi - Well, you know, as a prominent extracurricular organization at Lawndale High, there's no reason why we couldn't lend our name to a worthy cause. Quinn - Like the girls soccer team and their adopt-a-highway sign? Tiffany - Eww. Picking up trash on the side of the road? Sandi - Um, Quinn. I haven't been convicted of anything, have you? Besides, why settle for a sign, when you can have a plaque. Stacy - Wow! A plaque? Sandi - Exactly. Mounted on something appropriate for our beautification image. Like, a park bench. Tiffany - But, then wouldn't people always be putting their butts on us? Stacy - Eww. Quinn - I know. How about a new mirror to replace that awful one in the girls ba throom that adds at least two pounds? Stacy - I hate that mirror. Tiffany - It haunts me. Sandi - That's a good idea, Quinn. Donating a mirror will reflect well on us. (p ause) Reflect well on us? Quinn - Ohh! (Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany laugh) (Daria and Jane seated at booth of pizza place with a slice and a drink each)

Jane - Now, that stain to the left of the Barbie's corvette stain looks just lik e Eleanor Roosevelt. Daria - Just say it, you read my story and hated it. Jane - What? Where'd you get that madcap idea? Daria - Your increasingly desperate attempts to avoid the topic. Jane (sighs) - I didn't hate it. It just seemed, well... the plot felt a little muddled. Daria - You think it sucked. Just admit it. Jane - It had too many styles or something, that's all. Daria - It's okay if you don't like it, you know. In fact, I don't even like it. It stinks. Jane - Look, why don't you show it to someone else? Someone who appreciates lite rature. (crosses arms) Someone named Tom. Daria - I couldn't show it to him. It's too intimate. Jane - Daria, it's about a flesh-eating virus. How's that intimate? Daria - You'd think it was pretty intimate if it were eating your flesh. (Daria seated on sofa in Morgendorffer living room, watching television) SSW Announcer - This king of the jungle was one tubby tabby, until the animal pl astic surgeon came to call. Lipo for Leo, next on Sick, Sad World. (Jake enters wearing plain white undershirt, regular shirt over arm and attempti ng to thread a needle. He sits next to Daria on sofa) Jake - Dammit! Why do they have to make the eye of the needle so darn small? Daria - I guess to piss off the camel. (takes needle and thread from Jake) Jake - Thanks, Kiddo! Daria (threads needle) - Just happy to find something I can do. Unlike writing. Jake - Good for you! (looks around) Now what the hell did I do with that button? (pause) Hey! Who says you can't write? Daria - It's not important. Forget I mentioned it. I don't want to talk about it . (beat) It's true, isn't it? Jake - I bet it was some busy-body teacher like Corporal Ellenbogen. Guy can did a foxhole; that makes him an expert on show tunes? I don't think so, dammit! Daria - Um, Dad. Are you getting your military school boyhood mixed up with a pa st life in vaudeville? Jake - Ellenbogen told me the song I wrote for the school musical stank, dammit! And you know what? It was a darn good song. (Daria gets up and walks away) I sh ould have sung it for someone who didn't think that musical comedy began and end ed with Gilbert and Sullivan. Oh, please!

(Exterior view of Griffin home, cut to Fashion Club in Sandi's bedroom) Sandi - All right. Now that we've agreed to donate a new girls room mirror, the next order of business is to figure out how to pay for it. Tiffany - Oh, yeah. Stacy - We could hold a yard sale! Sandi - Stacy, are you suggesting we sit behind a card table and haggle? Stacy - Oh, God. What's wrong with me? Quinn - Why don't we do what we do best? Sandi - Quinn, no-one is going to pay us to eat carrot sticks. Quinn - I mean, tell people what's wrong with their outfits. Tiffany - But, we do that all day for free. That's why everyone likes us. Quinn - Well, we can put it down on paper. Sell our own newsletter offering advi ce to fashion victims. And, we can predict fashion trends. People will save mone y with our newsletter by not buying things in the wrong fabric or belt length. Sandi - A commendable idea. All in favor? (All four raise their hands) Sandi - Then I guess we should decide which topics to cover. Stacy - Boy, this volunteering is going to be a lot of work. Tiffany - I know. Someone should really pay us for it. (Exterior view of Morgendorffer home, cut to view of Jake, still in undershirt, sitting in the dark and holding a martini) Jake - If it wasn't for Ellenbogen, I might be a Broadway lyricist. I could writ e songs for cats. I could write songs for dogs! (Helen enters through front door) Jake (whimpers) - My name in lights would have been fantastic. Helen (turns on light) - Jake. Jake - Ellenbogen! (Helen walks up to Jake) Helen - Jake! Jake - Huh? Helen - Where are the girls? Jake - Uh... Quinn's um, somewhere, and, and Daria's up in her room with, um, To m.

Helen - Jake, how long have they been up there? Jake - Did I ever tell you about the song I wrote in military school? "Cadet Guy s Ho!" Helen - If I say I don't want them in there alone, I might give them ideas. I kn ow, snacks. (Helen exits. Jake drains martini and holds up glass) Jake - I'd like to thank my family, my friends, and not that damn Corporal Ellen bogen! Or Gilbert! Or Sullivan! (In Daria's room. Tom is at computer, reading story, Daria is seated on floor, s harpening pencils with an electric sharpener) Tom - I'm so glad you asked me to read this. Daria - You are? Tom - Yeah. It's great. Daria - It's not muddled? Tom - No, it's varied. It changes voices, it challenges the reader. Daria, I'm s erious, this is really good. (Helen enters) Helen - Oh, Tom. I didn't know you were here. Are you two hungry? I could get yo u some chackers and creese? Um, crackers and cheese and crackers. I'll be right back. Tom - You know, I read this story my English teacher sent to Musings Magazine, a nd this is much better. Why don't you submit it to them? Daria - The rejection, indignation, and lasting humiliation. Tom - How about the success, stardom, and eventual alcoholism? Daria - I actually did think of submitting it somewhere. But it feels too... too much like trying. Tom - I'll never tell you displayed motivation. Daria - I'm just not sure it's good enough. Tom - Why don't you let the magazine decide? No-one has to know. (Exterior of Lawndale Post office, cut to Daria carrying large envelope addresse d to Musings Magazine. Just as she reaches the drop slot, Mr. O'Neill comes up f rom behind) Mr. O'Neill - Hello, Daria. Daria - Oh, hi Mr. O'Neill. Mr. O'Neill - Musings Magazine? Daria, are you submitting a story? That's wonder ful!

Daria - Um, I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone about this. Mr. O'Neill - Of course, it will be our little secret. A new and deeper level to our student-teacher relationship. Something unique and meaningful between a gif ted writer and, well, her mentor? Daria - Something like that. (drops envelope in slot) Mr. O'Neill - I'm honored! Is there anything else you'd like to tell me? Daria - Uh, your shoelace is untied. (Quinn's bedroom, she is lying on bed, typing on laptop computer) Quinn - Purple based lipsticks will be in, so peach based blushes will be out, b ecause otherwise, your cheekbones won't match your lipliner, and who needs that? Smiley face, surprise face, wink. (Tiffany seated on her bed, reading from notebook) Tiffany - Hold the tweezer in your right hand, or in your left hand if you're le ft handed. Squeeze the eyebrow hair and pull. There is pain involved. (Stacy lying on floor next to her bed, writing on notepad) Stacy - Long skirts will be back, although not too long. Maybe on the shorter si de of long, but don't be mad if it turns out that the longer-longer ones are mor e in than the shorter-longer ones. (Sandi's bedroom. Sandi is reading from paper to rest of Fashion Club) Sandi - Like a fine wine, if wines were colors, aubergine is dark, tasteful, and goes well with fish. I predict it will be the breakout color for next season. (Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany clap) Sandi - Fellow pundits, it's time to go to press. (View of spinning page that stops at a close-up showing, Fashion Club Forecast C ut to hallway of Lawndale High school, and the Fashion Club seated behind a tabl e to sell newsletters. Sandi holds up a copy as a crowd gathers) Sandi - Friends and followers. As President of the Fashion Club, I am proud to a nnounce the first issue of our cutting-edge publication. Predicting upcoming tre nds in personal deportment, while providing underwriting to a deserving cause. Joey - Um, what are you selling? Sandi - Perhaps I didn't make myself clear. Our newsletter is dedicated to the a rt of looking good, or at least better than those around you. Jeffy - A fashion magazine? Uh... (Boys begin to disperse) Jamie - Uh, no. Joey - Next time.

Quinn - Will you buy one from me? (Boys race back) Joey - Sure! I'll take one. Jamie - I'll take two! Jeffy - Make it three... uh, no, five! (Daria and Jane at Daria's locker while the 3 J's walk past) Joey - "An Ode to Aubergine"? Jamie - "A Good Pluck"? Jeffy - "Please Remember to Blush"? Jane - There must be a lot going on in the boys room that we don't know about. Daria - And really, isn't that as it should be? Jane (points with thumb)- Hey, maybe Quinn should publish your story. Daria - Nah, it's full of sentences that don't begin with 'I.' Besides, I, um, a lready submitted it to a magazine. Tom's idea. Jane - Tom liked your story? That's great. See, what do I know about literature? Daria - What does he? Jane - Was I being enthusiastic again? I'm sorry. Daria - You didn't mean anything by it. (Mr. O'Neill's classroom) Mr. O'Neill - Although the great Greek dramatist Aeschylus wrote a staggering ei ghty plays, only seven of them are available to us. Does anyone know why? Kevin - The rest are still in Greece? Mr. O'Neill (sighs) - Huh. Anyone else? (beat) Daria? Daria - The remaining plays were destroyed. Mr. O'Neill - That's right. All of them, gone. Can you imagine Aeschylus's feeli ngs? Jane - Heh, I bet he's not even thinking about it. Mr. O'Neill. Daria, how would you feel if the story you wrote were lost to manki nd forever. If every last copy of Musings Magazine were somehow, set aflame. Jodie - Wow, you've been published in Musings? Brittany - I know what you mean. I wrote to the Embarrassing Moments column in T een Babe magazine about Kevin's gaseous problem when we're making out, and I nev er heard back from them.

Kevin - Babe! Brittany - Kevin, it's okay. The important thing is that I tried. Kevin (lowers head to desk and covers it with his arms) - Aww! Mr. O'Neill (brief laugh) - Daria, what were you saying? Daria - Never mind, I think you've said it all. Mr. O'Neill - Excuse me? (realizes what he did) Oh, oh dear. Um, sorry. (Daria and Jane at Jane's locker) Jane - He meant well, for a teacher who does nothing well. Daria - I'm reminded of my father. Jane - What? Why? Daria - Because I can't get the phrase, "damn idiot teachers with their damn idi ot brains," out of my head. (Jodie enters) Jodie - Hey, Daria, congratulations. A published story, that's amazing. (Kevin and Brittany enter) Daria - Um, it's not exactly published. I sent it in, but I haven't heard back. Kevin - Then why are you telling everyone that it's been published? Jane - Oh, you know Daria and her compulsive need to impress. Brittany - Oh! But then, instead of making up stuff about writing, shouldn't you pick something good? Daria - How's this. During the day, I'm a mild-mannered student. But at night, I fight crime in a stretchy-stretchy costume. Kevin - Cool! I didn't know that. Brittany - She doesn't really. Kevin - But she just said. Brittany - Kevie, you're so gullible. (Brittany drags Kevin away) Kevin - She wears it on weekends, come on. Jodie - You know, my mother gets Musings and their fiction is awful. I bet you'l l have no trouble getting in. Daria - Gee, thanks. Jodie - That's not what I meant.

Daria (sighs) - I know, thanks. Jodie - Good luck. (Jodie exits and Ms. Barch enters) Ms. Barch - Daria, in the name of Jane Austin, Emily Dickinson, Anne Bronte, Emi ly Bronte, and Charlotte Bronte, I want to say, "You go, girl!" Jane - That's just how they would have put it. Daria - Who told you? Ms. Barch - Er, uh, um, nobody. It certainly didn't come up during anything othe r than normal in-school chitchat among colleagues. Fully dressed. With no oils i nvolved. Daria - Ever have one of those moments that no shower, no matter the duration no r the temperature, can ever erase? Jane - I'm leaning toward trauma-induced amnesia myself. Punch my head, would ya ? (Exterior of Morgendorffer home, cut to Daria walking by open bedroom door and J ake excitedly coming out) Jake - Daria! Guess what! I found my old song lyrics. Here, I'll sing them for y ou. (Jake runs back inside his bedroom) (Daria walks back toward room) Jake - Get ready to hear some dope beats! (Daria stops at door and looks in. Jake is set up with an electronic keyboard wi th built-in drum machine) Quinn (VO) - Ohh! (Daria turns and exits) Jake (singing) - Hey! We're the guys they call cadets, where here to serve... ou r... nation. (Jake stops singing as he realizes that Daria is gone) Jake - Daria? (Fashion club on sofa, reading issue of Waif) Quinn - I can't believe all our newsletter predictions were wrong! Hems hike up, heels fall down, tweezing isn't pleasing, and dark colors like aubergine, are o ver. Sandi - Who would have thought that brightly comic tones like peach and lemon wo uld suddenly come into vogue. I need to be alone. (Sandi exits)

Tiffany - This is so sad. Stacy - Why does everything always happen to us? (Stacy and Tiffany begin crying as Daria enters) Daria - Let me guess. The Wide World of Wool was preempted for an emergency Stat e of the Union Address. Quinn - Even worse. Waif's What's Hot and What's Rot issue just came, and what w e though was out and in is not now our careers as fashion prognosticators are ov er! Daria - I'll go lower the flag to half-mast. (Daria notices letter from Musings on table and takes it to the kitchen to read) Daria - Thank you for giving us the opportunity to read your work. (beat) I've b een rejected. (Evening, interior of Sloane front door, Tom answers to reveal Daria outside) Tom - Daria! Come in. (Daria doesn't move) Tom - Is everything okay? Daria - No, everything's not okay. Musings rejected my story. Tom - Really? I can't believe it. Daria - Don't worry, you'll get over it. I knew it wasn't good enough to be publ ished. Tom - Okay, so maybe it was the wrong place. Or just a bad editor. There are lot s of magazines out there. Send it somewhere else. Daria - It's not enough to get rejected once, you want me to get rejected dozens of times? Tom - Come on. It happens to everyone. One try and you give up? Daria - Uncle. Tom - Daria, you're not listening to what I'm saying. Daria - Hey, I listened when you told me to send it in, and look what happened. Now you want me to keep submitting it so I can live in a state of perpetual mise ry. God, you're insensitive. Tom - No, I'm supportive. But you're too thick-headed to notice. I liked that st ory, I thought it was smart, funny and insightful. None of which I could say abo ut you right now. Daria - Gee, thanks. See ya. (Daria walks away) Tom - Why don't you just grow up? (pause) Or not.

(Lawndale High School hallway. Fashion club behind table with banner saying "New sletter recall" above them) Sandi - Attention! Due to a senseless act of sabotage currently under investigat ion by investigators. The articles in our newsletter were altered prior to publi cation and without our knowledge. We are therefore rectifying the situation by i ssuing refunds. (Crowd of students gather around to get refunds) Stacy - So, everyone, just ignore everything you read. (Crowd stands with blank expression) Quinn - You... didn't read it at all, did you? (Crowd shakes their heads) Tiffany - Being an author sucks. Jeffy - Do you want us to read it now? Fashion Club - No! (At dumpster behind high school. Fashion club is discarding the newsletter) Tiffany - These dumpsters are gross. Stacy - What do you think this stuff is that looks like vomit? Sandi - Stacy! Stacy - Sorry. Quinn - I guess we aren't going to make our fundraising goal. Stacy - It's just so unfair that you have to do something to get a plaque. Sandi - Hmm. (Daria walking past her parents' room) Jake (VO) - Daria! (Daria sighs and goes into bedroom. Jake is in front of electronic keyboard) Jake - There you are. I've been waiting all day to sing you this song. (He pushes several buttons on keyboard to start a drumbeat) Daria - Um, okay. Jake (singing and marching in place) - Hey!. We're the guys they call cadets, we 're here to serve our nation, fighting stinking foreigners right after graduatio n. We have learned to make our beds, shine our boots all gleamy, when we put on our dress blues, we really look quite dreamy. (Daria stares at him)

Jake (sad) - Corporal Ellenbogen was right. Daria - Um, the tune is catchy. Jake - It sucks! (beat) Damn drum machine! (Jake grabs keyboard by cord and throws it to the floor) Jake - Agh! (pause) I'm a failure. Daria - Dad, you made up one song when you were a teenager and it's not the best thing ever written, and that makes you a failure? Jake - Well, that's one of the things. Daria - So your reach exceeded your grasp. I'd rather have that happen to me tha n the opposite. Jake - What do you mean? Daria - You know what good is, that's how you know you didn't achieve it. That's a lot better than if you were putting out crap and thinking it was great. Jake - It is? Daria - You came up short because you were aiming high. Jake - Your right, Daria! I did! I went out on a limb and took a chance. That to ok guts, didn't it? (Jake kneels down and sets keyboard back up) Daria - Um, yes. Yes it did. Jake - Damn right Kiddo! (Jake starts drum rhythm again) Jake (singing) - Gutsy Jakey went to town, riding in a Lexus, missed his star bu t did aim far... um. Daria - Who cares what jerk rejects us? Jake - Who cares what jerk rejects us. Yeah! (Daria smiles) (Fashion club in girls bathroom of Lawndale High. Sandy holds plaque while Stacy looks through a camcorder) Sandi - And so, as part of our continuing effort to improve the quality of life for the students of Lawndale High, the Fashion Club is pleased to present this p laque. Commemorating, this plaque. (Sandi walks to blank section of wall to hang plaque) Because, as my grandmother says, whenever she tries to give me some hor rible peasant blouse from like, the Haight-Ashtray period of American history. (Close up of plaque that reads, "Lawndale High Fashion Club. We Mean Well") Sandi - It's the thought that counts.

Quinn - Oh, Sandi. That was great. Tiffany - Really moving. Stacy (looking at camcorder) - Um, does the red light thingy have to be on to re cord? (Tom answers ringing telephone in the Sloane living room) Tom - Hello. Daria (VO) - Um, hi. (Split screen of Daria and Tom) Daria - I'm cooking up a delicious juicy crow tonight and thought you might like to come over for a drumstick. Tom - Oh, I'm not hungry... but I'll watch you eat. (Daria opens front door of Morgendorffer home for Tom) Tom (sniffs) - Mmmm. That crow smells good. (Daria looks away. Cut to Daria's bedroom. She stands at computer chair while To m stands nearby) Daria - Well, we both know why I asked you here. Tom - Not me, no idea. (Daria sits down) Tom - None whatsoever. Daria - Fine, I deserve that. Look, I'm... sorry. You were being supportive. I w as the one acting like... you know. Tom - You can do it, rhymes with clerk. Daria - Shut up. So, forgiveness and whatnot? Tom - Eh, you've suffered enough. (Helen quietly opens door) Tom - For today. Helen - Tom, Daria. Can I get you anything? Daria - I'll have a big glass of human growth hormone. Helen - Coming right up! I mean, I'll be back with some snacks. Daria - Better talk fast, she's been doing speed drills. Tom - So, you're over the rejection letter? Daria (from memory) - What letter? Oh, wait. You mean the one that said, "Dear M s. Morgendorffer. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to read your work. It'

s not right for us at this time, but please keep us in mind for future submissio ns." Gee, I'd almost forgotten. Helen (VO) - Daria, we're out of cheese. Would you like pretzels? Tom - That's what it said? To submit again? Daria - Yeah. Don't they always say that? Tom - No, Daria. That's great. My teacher got a one-line note. Musings regrets t hat your material is unsuitable. Daria - Really? Helen (VO) How about some pineapple chunks? In their own juice or heavy syrup? Y ou decide. Tom - Editors never encourage people unless they think they really have somethin g, and that's not often. Daria - Let's see if I've got this straight. The editors didn't like my story, t hey don't want to publish it, but they do look forward to rejecting me in the fu ture. And that's good. Tom - Congratulations. Daria - It's great to be a writer. Tom - And such a cheerful writer. (Daria and Tom kiss just as Helen walks in) Helen - Rice cakes? Oh, God! No! (She drops tray and looks away in shock) (Exterior view of Morgendorffer home, cut to Daria's room. She is at computer, J ane is sitting on bed, looking into mirrors and drawing, presumably a self-portr ait) Jane - Do you think Helen will ever recover from the tell-tale smooch? Daria - All we can do for her now is be there when she's ready to talk. Jane - How's that coming, by the way? Daria - Good. Really good. (View over Daria's shoulder at computer monitor as is shows a first-person shoot er game in progress. After the target dies, a word processor window comes up) Daria - But I guess I'll get back to my writing. (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Lucky Strike

Episode #506 Written by Peter Elwell (opening theme song) (at Lawndale High, in Ms. Li's office) Mr. O'Neill - Angela, we certainly recognize the conflicting emotions you must f eel as both educator and administrator, but... Ms. Barch - Do we get our raise or not?! Ms. Li - Better! A new coffee maker in the teachers' lounge. Mr. DeMartino - That's not an offer, that's an insult! Now, as head of the Lawnd ale Teacher's Union, I... Ms. Li - With some of those international flavors you can just squirt right out of a bottle. Mmm... (outside, Upchuck is peeking through the keyhole at what is transpiring inside t he office) Upchuck - Ooh, I like what I'm seeing... (Daria and Jane approach as Upchuck stands up) Jane - Ms. Li changing her support hose again? Daria - That's another habit that will lead to blindness, Upchuck. Jane - But in this case you'll wish for it. Upchuck - Your concern touches me, ladies but we've got a cat-and-dogfight here. Me-ouch! And it's about to get strike-o-licious. Mr. DeMartino - Give us our ten percent or we'll walk! Ms. Li - Oh, you will, will you? Well, I hope for your sake your negotiating ski lls have improved since the last time you tried to pull this stunt... or have yo u forgotten that the dental insurance was contingent on your teaching a sewing c lass? Mr. DeMartino - Grr... Ms. Li - Did you hem those pants yourself? Mr. DeMartino - That's it! We strike! (students cheer as the teachers leave Ms. Li's office) Ms. Li (over P.A.) - Students of Lawndale High, your attention, please. Jane - Is that the voice in my head that tells me to kill and kill again? Daria - No. Satan's voice is lower and he has an English accent. Ms. Li (over P.A.) - In an unprecedented show of spine -- I mean, spite -- your teachers have announced a strike. However, school will continue just as before. (P.A. clicks off)

(students groan) Ms. Li - It just won't involve teachers. (in Mr. DeMartino's classroom) (chalk squeaks as an old woman writes her name on the chalkboard; the students c ringe at the noise) Mrs. Stoller - Class... you may have noticed I'm not your usual teacher. Daria - If only we didn't have our usual students. Mrs. Stoller - For our first lesson, let's learn each other's names. I'm Mrs. St oller. Kevin - Got it! Man, this class is going to be a breeze! Mrs. Stoller - And you are? Kevin - I'm the Q.B.! Mrs. Stoller - Posture, Cubie, posture. Daria - We think he's doing very well, considering how he missed out on evolutio n. Mrs. Stoller - And what's your name, dear? Daria - Daria. Mrs. Stoller - That sounds like a hippie name. I think I'll call you Darlene. So much prettier. (outside the school; teachers are walking the picket line) Teachers - (chanting) We need a lot more money! This really isn't funny! You don 't pay us enough to buy honey! Mrs. Bennett - I don't know... this chant... Ms. Barch - It sucks! Mr. DeMartino - Hey! I threw out the rhyme about the bunny! Mr. O'Neill - Um, Anthony... haven't most great labor movements throughout histo ry featured a stirring song? Mr. DeMartino - Great idea! Make one up! Mr. O'Neill - Oh. Well, um... let me see... (to "Oh! Susannah") "Well, I came to sunny Lawndale with a smile and a degree..." Hmm, no... uh... oh! (to "I've Bee n Working On the Railroad") "I've been teaching here in Lawndale on rather modes t pay..." No, that's not quite forceful enough. (in Mr. O'Neill's classroom) (the substitute, Ken Edwards, is sitting on the corner of the desk)

Mr. Edwards - True literature should inspire us to seek new experiences, to expl ore new sensations... (Sandi raises her hand) Sandi - Mr. Edwards? Mr. Edwards - Call me Ken. Sandi - Um, Ken, this is almost interesting, but seeing as how you're only the s ubstitute teacher, perhaps you can give us our book assignments and we can be on our way. Mr. Edwards - Ah, but what to assign? (approaches the Fashion Club) You see, the only books worth reading are those written in the deep, passionate waters of li fe. Stacy - So, like Jaws? Mr. Edwards - No, no, like the novel I'm writing. (he leans over Tiffany's desk) It's about a slightly older, sensitive man and the love a budding woman child f eels for him when she gets to know him better. Tiffany - What...? Mr. Edwards - See... love can be so simple when the hand of experience nurtures the budding flower to full blossom. Tiffany - You're writing about gardening? (at the Morgendorffer house) (Quinn, Helen, and Daria are sitting at the kitchen table; Quinn is in full spee d-rant, while Helen is working on some papers) Quinn - And my Language Arts substitute wouldn't stop talking about this stupid novel he's writing! Helen - Mm-hmm... Quinn - About some professor who dates a budding child woman because he wants to blossom her. Helen - Mm-hmm... Quinn - And then he started acting out his stupid book for us, stroking Tiffany' s hair and telling her about his anguished soul... Helen - Mm-hmm... what?! He was stroking Tiffany's hair?! Quinn - I know! Like Tiffany would ever date someone who wore a tweed jacket. Helen - Daria! Get me the... (she turns and sees Daria standing beside her, phone in hand; she had seen where this was headed moments earlier) Helen - (takes phone) Thank you. (outside the school; a tearful Mr. Edwards is leaving, his belongings in a box)

Mr. Edwards - Oh, Tiffany... Tiffany... I never got to hear you call me "Ken." (in History class) Ms. Li (over P.A.) - Attention! Will Miss Daria Morgendorffer please report to t he principal's office. Now! (P.A. clicks off) (Daria stands up and starts to walk out) Mrs. Stoller - Darlene? Where are you going? Daria (as she's leaving) - To get Daria. (in Ms. Li's office) Ms. Li - If someone asked me to teach a class, I'd be honored. Besides, we would n't be in this fix if it weren't for your mother. Daria - Yeah. Hire one pedophile and she gets all bent out of shape. Besides, I' m not thinking of me. I'm thinking of the children. (suddenly, "devil" and "angel" versions of Daria appear and hover on either side of her head) Devil Daria - Not so fast. You'll get out of gym class. Angel Daria - You? A scab? Devil Daria - Oh, great. Touched by an angel. Angel Daria - You'd be betraying your teachers. Devil Daria - Hey, yeah! You'd be betraying your teachers! Angel Daria - You'd just be falling into the same trap that managements always u se to keep wages low and workers weak. Devil Daria - Oh, go dance on the head of a pin. You could make Quinn's life rea lly miserable. Angel Daria - Huh. That's a good point. Devil Daria - Hey, you hungry? Angel Daria - Yeah, we can pick this up later. (the "devil" and the "angel" disappear) Ms. Li - Ms. Morgendorffer, I'm waiting... (in English class) Sandi - This is a waste of time, especially with today being the first day of Ca shman's Cruisewear Craziness. (Ms. Li enters the room) Ms. Li - Attention, young people! Mr. Edwards will no longer be joining us due t o... reasons.

Tiffany - I hope it's not his anguish acting up. Ms. Li - But I am proud to introduce a substitute with tolerable credentials, wh o is far less liable to engender a lawsuit that could cost me my very pants. (Daria enters the room) Daria - Hello. My name is Miss Darlene and I'll be your new teacher. (Quinn just stares and blinks, a look of total disbelief on her face) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Jake, Quinn, and Helen are sitting at the kitchen table) Helen - Look on the bright side. It's not every student who has access to their teacher 24 hours a day. Quinn - But I don't want access! Home is my sanitarium away from school. (Daria walks into the kitchen and approaches the table) Jake - Does this mean we can just do our parent-teacher conferences here? Hello, free time for model railroading! Daria - Morning, Mom... Dad... (to Quinn) ...class. Quinn - Mo-om! Augh! (Quinn leaves in disgust) Helen - What's wrong with her? Daria - It's her grades, or rather, it will be. Helen - Daria... Jake - Whoo-whoo! All aboard the Big Jake Express! (outside the school, on the picket line) Mr. DeMartino (muttering to himself) - "Now, class, let's check the evenness of your box stitch." No. No. Never again! (Trent pulls up in his car) Mr. O'Neill - (to "On Top of Old Smoky") "On top of our paychecks, right under t he date, there sits a small number we've all grown to hate..." I don't know, hat e is such an ugly word. (Trent approaches Mr. O'Neill) Trent - Cool tune, man. Classic feel. Mr. O'Neill - Wait. I know you! Trent - You're on Spiral's mailing list? Mr. O'Neill - No, you were one of my students. Trent Lane. Trent - Um...

Mr. O'Neill - Trent, do you remember how you and your friends used to write "dow n with the man" on my car with soap? Trent - Just let it go, man. I mean, bygones, right? Mr. O'Neill - Well, Trent, today "the man" is coming down on us, the underpaid t eachers of Lawndale High, and we could really use the help of a talented songwri ter. Trent - I don't know. Mr. O'Neill - This is a chance to focus your energy on a cause worthy of your ta lent, your knowledge, your virtuosity! Trent - I don't have to read music, do I? Mr. O'Neill - No! (Daria and Jane approach the picket line, and see Trent with Mr. O'Neill) Jane - Well, what do you know? Trent's actually on time to pick us up, and all I had to do was set his clock ahead four hours. Daria - I don't think he's adjusted to the time change. He appears to be writing a song with Mr. O'Neill. Jane - He's too good-natured. If a teacher tried to take advantage of me like th at, I'd tell them right where to stick it. (Ms. Defoe approaches the girls) Ms. Defoe - Jane, thank God. We need your taste and talent. Daria - Go on, Jane, offer that piece of friendly advice you just mentioned. Ms. ss. you out Defoe - Ms. Barch's signs? Well, they aren't really getting our message acro (holds up a sign that has the female symbol superimposed over a fist) Could help us design some strong graphic statements? I'll write a note to get you of class. Oh, wait, I guess I can't.

Jane - No, but the scab can. (jerks thumb at Daria) Daria - Gee, thanks, Mr. Hoffa. (rummages through her backpack) Trent (singing) - "Your salary offends me, your health plan..." Mr. O'Neill - "Doesn't mend me?" Trent - You know, if you're not going to take this seriously, we can just stop r ight now. (in History class) Mrs. Stoller - And so, the people asked George Washington, "Will you be our new king?" And Washington said... (Jane enters the room) ...young lady, you're tardy . Brittany - Gee, he wasn't very focused.

Jane - I have a note from a teacher. (hands Mrs. Stoller a piece of paper) Mrs. Stoller - (reads note) "Please excuse Jane from class. Signed: Miss Darlene ." Well, on your way, then. (in English class) Daria - Okay. We know Mr. O'Neill assigned a play, and you're pretty sure the ti tle didn't contain the word "alien." Do you remember anything else? Joey - Uh, I think the guy on the cover was wearing tights. Daria - Hmm. Since there are no wrestling dramas on the syllabus, I'm guessing S hakespeare. Jeffy - Wait, I remember now. He's a stalker. He follows girls home from parties and peeks in their windows. Daria - Romeo and Juliet. (class bell rings) (in the hallway) Daria - A classroom full of blank faces is a little spooky, until you plant your feet and stare them down. Jane - You know, apes interpret that as a gesture of dominance. Daria - That's what I just said. (Upchuck, Kevin, and Brittany approach the girls) Upchuck - Hello, Ms. Morgendorffer! How lovely you look today. Kevin - Hey, Daria. Could you write me a note that says I didn't put that dent i n my dad's car? Brittany - And can we have one to get out of class so we can make out... (sees l ook on Daria's face) ...scholarship applications? (outside, on the picket line) (Mr. DeMartino grumbles as he walks; Ms. Barch and Ms. Defoe are painting some n ew signs; Trent and Mr. O'Neill are still trying to compose a song) Jane - Nice. Nice. Remember, nothing says "death to the bosses!" like primaries. Pastels are for appeaseniks. Trent and Mr. O'Neill (singing) - "Have you ever been to the children's zoo? Whe n the birdies say 'cheep,' they're talking 'bout you!" (they stop) Nah... (Mrs. Bennett exits the building and approaches the strikers) Mrs. Bennett - Good news, everyone! I just came from Ms. Li's office and she's m ade a final offer. A .08% pay hike and free non-dairy creamer! And Anthony, she says you can put away your sewing kit. So what does everyone say? (most of the teachers voice their approval; Mr. DeMartino, however, just stands and glares)

Mrs. Bennett - Anthony, is something the matter? Mr. DeMartino - My dear Mrs. Bennett. As an informed consumer, you should know t hat non-dairy creamer offers no sustenance whatsoever... and neither does that o ffer! (pulls a contract out of his pocket) This is the contract we wrote, and th is is the contract she's going to sign! Cover me, boys. I'm going in! (enters th e building) (Ms. Defoe approaches Jane, who's searching the skies) Ms. Defoe - What are you looking for, Jane? Jane - Bombers. He'll never make it without air support. (in English class) Jamie - (slowly and flatly) "For never was a story of more woe than this of Juli et and her... Romeo." Daria - Thank you, Joey, Jeffy or Jamie. Laurence Olivier, in his present state, couldn't have done better. Jamie - Cool! Jeffy - What does "woe" mean? Daria - It like the feeling you'd get if the Super Bowl were preempted by Antiqu es Roadshow. Joey - Whoa! Daria - See? (in the back, Quinn is taking notes, an activity that Sandi does not fail to cat ch) Stacy - Quinn, are you taking notes? Quinn - Um, no. I'm just, er, writing so that girl thinks I'm paying attention w hen I'm not really. Sandi - Who cares what a teacher thinks? They're such losers. Tiffany - Yeah. Eww... Quinn - She's not a real teacher, Sandi. She's a substitute. Sandi - Oh. A substitute loser. Daria - Okay. You've read the play. Tomorrow you take the test. (students grumble and groan) Daria - Sorry. Orders from above. I'd suggest you cheat off your neighbors, but considering who most of you are sitting next to... (at the Griffin house) (the Fashion Club is in Sandi's room)

Sandi - Quinn, I hope that substitute you've been making excuses for won't be ho lding us to the same rigid grading standards as everyone else. Perhaps you shoul d remind her how popular we are. Quinn - But she's weird. I don't think she even cares about popular people. Sandi - See, there you go, sticking up for her again. It's almost as if you two share some deep, dark secret that might inadvertently come out if tomorrow's tes t proves too difficult. (Quinn just sits, dejected, an "oh, boy" look on her face) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria and Tom are in her room, brainstorming over the test) Tom - Hey, how about asking them this: "If Verona had had metal detectors, would Mercutio be alive today?" Daria - If he were, he'd be about 400 years old. Tom - That's why they'll all get it wrong. Trick question, yeah! Daria - Gee, I wonder why no one's ever asked you to teach a class. (Quinn enters the room) Quinn - (in speed-rant mode) Daria, you know the test tomorrow? It's going to be easy, right? Because if you make it really hard, some popular people won't like it and might take it out on another completely innocent popular person, and bes ides, it's good to help the popular, because if you don't, it might make you eve n more unpopular, although I don't know if such a thing is possible. Daria - Ooh, wouldn't want to risk that. Quinn - So you'll do it? Daria - Right after I change into my fur bikini. (Tom smiles at this) Quinn - Daria! Daria - You know, I rk and I don't need us on the play, not d friends can think o fail it. didn't ask for this stupid teaching job. I don't need the wo the stigma. I've tried to make the class interesting and foc the grades. And if, after all that, the only thing your vapi about is how to finesse taking the test, then they deserve t

Quinn - Daria, do you want everyone to hate you? Daria - Hey, why should you go out of your way to protect the stupid? You're not one of them! Quinn - I... I... you don't understand anything! (storms out of the room) Tom - Hmm, maybe you should make it easy. Give the poor kids a break. Daria - I lied about the fur bikini. Tom - (fake anger) Damn!

(downstairs, Jake is working on his model railroad as Quinn approaches) Jake - Stupid smoke pellets get stuck so damn easy... doesn't even look like rea l smoke! Hey, Quinn! You got a hat pin? Quinn - A what? I don't have time for your crazy jokes, Dad. I have to study for this stupid test Daria is making us take on Romeo and Juliet. Jake - Hey! I remember that play. Sit down. Let old Jakey help you with your stu dies. (Quinn sighs as she sits on the couch) Jake - Now, if I recall, Romeo meets Juliet by this big, bubbly cauldron... Quinn - No, Dad, she's at this party he crashes with his friend Mercutio. Jake - Right! The little wooden boy! Quinn - No, Dad, he's Romeo's pal, but he gets stabbed to death by Tybalt. Jake - Tybalt? Tybalt? Quinn - So Romeo kills Tybalt, and then Juliet's dad says she has to marry Paris , so she pretends she's dead... Jake - Tybalt sounds like the name of a rock. Quinn - And when Paris sees her... (light bulb goes on) Wait... I know this stuf f! Um, got to go. Thanks! (she leaves) Jake - Any time! (pause) Paris? Wait, that not Romeo and Juliet. That's The Pink Panther! (pauses, resumes working on his train) Damn smoke pellet! Where did I put that hat pin?! (begins whistling) (at school) (Mr. DeMartino and Ms. Li are in her office; both are tired and disheveled, obvi ously from heavy bargaining and lack of sleep) Ms. Li - Don't think you can intimiate... intermolate... don't think you can sca re me with your threat to picket naked! Mr. DeMartino - You think I'm bluffing?! This is Goodwill polyester I've been sw eating in all night. I want to picket naked! Ms. Li - All right! A two percent raise and a space heater for the teacher's lou nge. Mr. DeMartino - (tugs on collar) Boy! It's getting hot in here! (in History class) (Mrs. Stoller is handing out test papers) Mrs. Stoller - Now, class, sit up straight, and no talking while you take your t est. Kevin - "Name the colors on the American flag?" Hey, no fair! You didn't say we

had to know that! Mrs. Stoller - Cubie, you hush! And posture, Cubie, posture! (in English class) (Daria is finishing handing out test papers; Joey raises his hand) Daria - Yes, Jamie, Joey or Jeffy? Joey - Um, my test only has one question on it. Daria - That's right. What is Romeo and Juliet about? Just write what you think and back it up. 200 words, minimum. Sandi - An essay test? Stacy - 200 words? Tiffany - Think...? (Quinn, however, is attacking her test with gusto; she obviously has a handle on the subject) (outside, on the picket line) Mr. O'Neill (singing) - "You call this compensation? You keep your long vacation ! You're forcing us to salary arbitration! Mama said strike you out! Yeah!" (the teachers cheer) Trent - My work here is done. (leaves) Mr. O'Neill - What do you think of the song, Anthony? Anthony? Oh my gosh! He's still up there with Ms. Li! (Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Barch run into the school and barge into Ms. Li's office) Mr. O'Neill - Anthony? Angela? Any progress? (they find her and Mr. DeMartino slumped over her desk) Mr. O'Neill - Oh no, they've killed each other! Dear God, when will the madness stop?! Ms. Li - (sleepily) Oh, Puffy, you don't need a weapon to make me do your biddin g... (she wakes up) Huh? What? Mr. O'Neill - Oh, they're not dead. Ms. Barch - What a relief. Get up! (kicks DeMartino's chair) (DeMartino grunts as he wakes up) Ms. Li - Thank God. I thought I signed the contract, but it was just a bad dream . Mr. DeMartino - (weeping) I knew it! But it seemed so real... (points to each of them) ...and you were there... and you... and you!

Ms. Barch - What's that in your hand? Give me that! (grabs the contract out of D eMartino's hand) Mr. O'Neill - The contract! Anthony, you did it! (they both look over to DeMartino and Li, who are fast asleep again) (in History class) (Mrs. Stoller is handing back the graded tests) Mrs. Stoller - Here are your tests. I don't think I've ever written so many "A's ". You're the smartest and biggest first graders I've ever had. Kevin - Thanks! Mack - What a surprise. An "A" and a silver star. Jodie - Don't get too full of yourself. I got a gold star. Brittany - I got a gold star, too, and a "C"! Oh... red, white and blue! (Kevin looks at his paper; he got an "F," and the only color he wrote was "yello w") Kevin - Hey, no fair! How come Brittany got a star and I didn't? Mrs. Stoller - Boys with bad posture don't get stars. And Cubie, it's not nice t o try to fool the teacher by signing your test "Kevin"! (in English class) (Daria is handing back the graded tests) Jeffy - A "B"! You mean you think Mercutio had a thing for Romeo, too? Daria - No, but you argued your point well, and I thought your ideas for keeping him out of the locker room were original, if a little closed-minded. Sandi - A "D-minus"? I should have known Quinn would fail us. Daria - I should have failed you, too. See, in Shakespeare's version, Romeo neve r goes by the name "Leonardo" or takes a swim in his clothes, but I gave you ext ra credit for realizing that the movie and the play were somehow connected. (wal ks to front of class) Stacy - I guess we shouldn't have copied each other. (Sandi grabs Quinn's test) Quinn - Hey! Sandi - Gee, Quinn. What a surprise you got a "B-plus". I guess having a certain relationship with a certain teacher really paid off. Quinn - Um, Sandi, I thought she was fairly easy on the grading, as long as you tried to think for yourself. Sandi - Oh, really? I guess everything's relative.

Quinn - Sandi... ever since they asked this girl to take over the class from tha t creepy guy who wanted to fertilize Tiffany, it seems to me all she tried to do was make the best of a bad situation. Maybe we should cut her some slack. (Daria and the other students are now paying close attention to what Quinn and t he Fashion Club are saying) Sandi - See? There she goes, taking sides again. You two are so nice to each oth er, you're almost like sisters. Quinn - I'm not taking anyone's side, Sandi. I'm just saying that sometimes peop le get put in awkward positions. Like a girl who has to wear huge braces in fift h grade, and years later her brothers find pictures of her with them and give th ose pictures to a friend, who hasn't shown them to anyone out of the goodness of her heart... yet. Sandi - ("time to shut up") Oh. Quinn - Besides, why shouldn't I act sisterly towards her? After all... (she loo ks right at Daria) ...she's my sister. Sandi - (gasps) Did you hear that? Oh, my gosh! Quinn just admitted that weird g irl is her sister! Stacy - ("well, duh!") Well, um, of course she is, Sandi. We knew that. Tiffany - We were just being polite about it. (foiled once again, Sandi sits and scowls while Quinn wears a small, satisfied s mile) (Daria lets out a small smile, which disappears when Ms. Li starts talking over the P.A.) Ms. Li - (dazed) People of Mars! I mean, students of Lawndale High. This is your leader... um, principal. What was I saying? Oh! The teachers... the teachers... the strike's over! Your teachers will be back tomorrow! Good ni... day. (P.A. c licks off) Jeffy - Um... Miss Darlene? I think you were, um... you were a pretty good teach er. Daria - Thanks, Jamie, Jeffy or Joey. For the record, some of you aren't half-ba d students. You know who you are. (Quinn looks up from her test with a pleased expression) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria is watching television in her room) SSW Announcer - It's quite a web sight when Civil War buffs get in the buff! "ww w-dot-gettysbare," next on Sick, Sad World! (Daria clicks the TV off as Quinn enters the room) Daria - I already told you, I'm not signing your National Rayon Day petition. Quinn - Um... you know that grade you gave me? Sandi says I only got it because you're always at my house. Is that true?

Daria - Let me pose you a question, Grasshopper. If I gave you a grade that you didn't earn, that would be acting nice. Could I face myself if I were ever nice to you? Quinn - Really?! I thought so! And by the way, don't think I could ever be nice to you, either. Daria - I'm fully aware of that. Quinn - God only knows what this little foray of yours into teacher geekland cos t me in social status. Daria - I feel your pain. Quinn - Well. Good night, then. Daria - Good night... sis. (Quinn smiles as she leaves the room) (in History class) Mr. DeMartino - Yes! I endured! My wits didn't fail! My strength didn't fail! I didn't fail! I got that contract, and if I can do that, I can do anything! Even teach Kevin. (walks over to Kevin's desk and leans over him) So tell me, sonny b oy... which war freed us from the iron hand of British rule? Kevin - Iron... iron... the Golf War? (DeMartino's face goes utterly slack; he then turns his back, walks over to his desk, and starts weeping) Brittany - Mr. DeMartino? Do you want to share? Jane - The joy of teaching didn't last very long with this one. Daria - You got to grab it while you can. (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Art Burn Episode #507 Written by Dan Vebber (Transcript created by Richard Lobinske) (opening theme song) (Mystik Spiral in gazebo in Lane family back yard, Nick sitting, Trent standing, Jesse seated and Max standing) Trent - Max, can't you look any more existential? Max - Existential? You said nihilistic. Jesse - I feel like I should be doing something. (after a beat, waves)

(cut to Jane with video camera and Daria standing beside her) Daria - Shouldn't he have a sign that says, "Hi, Mom." Jane - Uh, Jesse? Why don't you, um, cue the fog machine. (Jesse reaches over rail and turns on "Big Fog" fog machine. I begins to emit sm oke, and knocks. Smoke envelopes the band, causing all to cough) Nick - It's gonna blow! (Band runs away from gazebo moments before fog machine explodes, leaving a colum n of smoke where it was. Cut to Daria and Jane) Daria - Wow. Real life drama. Jane - (pats camera) And I got every second of it. (cut to gazebo collapsing, then back to Jane) Jane - Crap. (Jane and Daria, Nick, Max and Jesse walk by) Jane - Hey! Come on back. Now we'll have a Waterworld post-apocalyptic feel. Gil ls for everyone. Max - We just started the Reaper in the face, and you want us to keep working? Jesse - Yeah, we're like, traumatized. Trent - Sorry Janey, we're going to need to take a few weeks off. Jane - (annoyed) A few weeks off from what? (Inside Lane kitchen. Daria and Jane look out window to back yard while Trent is at refrigerator) Daria - I hope your parents appreciate deconstructionism. Jane - They won't even notice. Besides, they're in Greenland doing the walrus-tu sk fertility-fetish carving thing. Daria - Always keeping up with the Joneses. Wind - (OS) Trent! Jane! You are here. (Wind enters and hugs Trent, goes over and hugs Jane while looking at Daria. Ste ps back, looking confused.) Wind - Penny? Daria - My name is Oliver Twist, sir. Trent - Hey, Wind. Jane - What are you doing here? Wind - Katie is locked in our kitchen, taking some... um... private time, and ou

r life consultant says I should respect that. But, I'm hungry. (turns and looks in shock) Oh, no! (rushes to window) What happened to the gazebo? Jane - What gazebo? Wind - That's where Mom and Dad took us when we were born to decide our names. Y ou've got to fix it! Jane - Um, Wind. I don't know how to break this to you, but I don't think Mommy and Daddy will be bringing us home any new brothers or sisters. Trent - Hmm, bummer. Wind - You don't get it! I couldn't stand to lose such an important piece of my identity. Oh, what chance does love have in the world when even the Naming Gazeb o falls to pieces? Daria - Naming Gazebo? Wind - Promise me you'll fix it. Jane - (turns to Trent) How much money do you have?" (pause) Trent? Trent - I have none, so I said nothing. (Wind buries face in hands, crying) Daria - I really should... Trent - Hey, maybe you could sell some of your paintings at that Art In The Park thing they're having. Jane - Hmm. The harvest of my inner torment on display right next to the falafel cart. I like that. Trent - Cool. Jane - But, if I get the money, you have to handle all the sludge work. Calling contractors, getting bids, scheduling the job, everything. Trent - I don't know. The band and I are going to be pretty busy practicing thes e next few weeks and... (Jane glares at him) Oh, yeah. We're traumatized. Okay, I'm on it. We'll get it fixed. (Art In The Park on banner. Carnival-like look of many booths lined up along a w alkway in a green park) (Fashion club walking past booths, stop in front of one marked "Caricatures $5" with artist seated under banner) Quinn - Sandi, you would look so great in a caricature." Sandi - But, I would really like to see how the artist would draw you, Quinn. Yo ur face is so full of drawable parts. Stacy - I have an idea, he could draw all of us, you know, together. Tiffany - That would really show how like, fun we are. Sandi - All right. (points at artist) Can you write, "friends forever," on it?

Artist - (bored) What a lovely sentiment. Please, take a seat. (All four sit on a bench) Sandi - Lock in profiles. (All four strike profile poses) (Ms. Barch and Mr. O'Neill at a booth with figures made from clam shells) Mr. O'Neill - Look, Janet. Mice, made of clam shells. Ms. Barch - Male mice! A fireman, a policeman, a doctor, who just happens to be a man. I bet he's a gynecologist, too. Mr. O'Neill - (picks one up) This one's wearing a raincoat, and it's called "Squ eaking Wet." Isn't that clever? (Ms. Barch takes figure and places on table) Ms. Barch - (swings purse and hits table, breaking figures) Yah-hah! (pulls mone y from purse and throws on table before storming away) (Daria and Tom walking past booths) Daria - Well, we are in the park, but I'm failing to see the art portion. Tom - Clowns? Crying? (they stop at booth filled with pictures of crying clowns) Why, I've never heard of such a thing. Daria - Maybe they're sad because they lost all their money in that poker game w ith the dogs. Jane - (OS) Yo! Art lovers. (Cut to view of Jane's booth, she's waving) Daria - One of these things is not like the others. (Daria and Tom walk over to Jane) Daria - Hello, sell-out. Jane - Wouldn't I have to sell something for that to be the case? Tom - How much are you asking for these? Jane - Most of them are twenty-five bucks, except the topsy-turvy Van Gogh, that one's ten million. (Woman and child enter and look at upside down Van Gogh reproduction on easel) Woman - Do you know you've hung this Van Gogh copy upside down? Jane - No, I painted it upside down. I hung it right-side up. Woman - (scowls and leads child away) Come on, honey. Let's go find some pretty barn paintings.

(Ms. DeFoe enters) Ms. Defoe - Jane, these works of yours are among the most inspired and original I've seen all day. Jane - Thanks. Ms. Defoe - Do you realize this Van Gogh is upside down? (Jane looks away in frustration) (In Lane kitchen, Trent is sitting at table, looking through telephone books) Trent - None of these numbers are gazebo numbers. (He picks up phone and punches in a number) Trent - Hello, paramedics? Do you fix gazebos? (At caricature booth, artist turns finished drawing to show seated Fashion Club. Sandi, Quinn and Tiffany gasp in shock) Sandi - (going to artist) I do not look like that! Tiffany - It's like our features are exaggerated or something. Artist - Hey, if you don't want it, don't buy it. I'll use it as a sample. Quinn - (rises) But you can't put it on display! Someone might see it! Sandi - (takes drawing and hands over money) I'll take that as exhibit "A." Come on, maybe we can find someone else to insult us. (Sandi walks away, leading Quinn and Tiffany, Stacy hangs back as artist shrugs) (Daria, Jane and Tom at Jane's booth) Tom - (whistles) Daria - Well, guess we should head out. Jane - Have fun, kids. Daria - Are you going to be okay? Jane - Okay? You know, Van Gogh hardly sold anything during his life, and it nev er bothered him. Except for that whole going insane part. Gary - (OS) Hey, did you paint this? (Cut to Jane's booth, Gary is standing in front of easel) Jane - I know, I know, it's upside down. Gary - Of course it is. Hanging a famous masterpiece upside down allows the view er to see its beauty totally independent of its content. I love it. Tom - You do? Gary - Sure, and I know talent when I see it. I hire artists to recreate the wor

ks of the old masters for my gallery. Jane - Well, I'm asking ten million bucks, but since you're in the business, I'l l let it go for fifty. Gary - I've got a better idea. I'll sell as many of these Van Gogh's as you can paint, and I'll only take, say, sixty percent commission. (removed card from ins ide jacket) Here's my card. Jane - Your place is called Gary's Gallery? Daria - Larry's Louvre was taken. Gary - What do you say? Jane - Well, I could use a new gazebo. (Jane's room. Daria on bed, reading and Jane at easel, painting) Jane - This kicks butt. I'm finally getting real money for my artwork. Daria - You're not worried about becoming a hack? Jane - Not as long as I'm only in it for the cash. Money, money, money. I love m oney. I'd shovel it down my throat if I could. Daria - You're kidding, right? Jane - Of course, Daria. I'd chew it slowly and stop when I felt full. (Lane back yard. Three workmen around wrecked gazebo, one seated, two standing T rent enters. Foremen gets up, other two remain seated, drinking from cans) Trent - Hey, weren't you guys supposed to be here two days ago? Foreman - Is that a problem? Trent - I don't know, feels like it should be. Um, how's the gazebo? Foreman - Bad shape. We'll need to build you a new transverse arch before we can even start talking about gable and bunting options. I'd say you're looking at f ive hundred bucks. Trent - Whoa. So, now what? Do I tell you to get to work? (second workman sits) Or do you just, you know, start up on your own? Foreman - That last thing you said. (sits down on cooler, grabs can and drinks f rom it) Trent - Okay, cool. (Fashion club in a bedroom, seated on floor and looking at caricature) Sandi - So, are we all in agreement that we have been maliciously slandered and are therefore in need of legal counsel? Tiffany - Yeah, slandered. Sandi - Very well. Quinn, your mother is a lawyer, perhaps she'd be willing to p lead our case.

Quinn - Um, I can ask. Sandi - Excellent. All in favor of retaining Mrs. Morgendorffer so we can bring this caricature assassin to justice and clear our good faces? (Tiffany, Quinn and Sandi quickly raise hands, Stacy reluctantly raises hers) (Outside view of pizza place, cut to Daria and Jane at booth, eating pizza) Daria - It's not often that I get treated to a slice with two toppings. Jane - Well, now that my ship's come in, I figure why not spread the wealth arou nd and help the little people. (Pulls out check) My first commission, two hundre d dollars. Daria - Try to contain your exuberance. Jane - I did think it would be more exciting. Maybe if it was for my own work. B ut, hey. It's not like I'm going to be painting copies forever. Daria - Just don't say that you can quit any time. (Outside view of Gary's Gallery, cut to inside. Two customers are browsing, Jane enters and goes to Gary) Gary - Jane Lane. Your Sunflowers sold this morning. Which means I have somethin g for you. (hands Jane a check) Jane - (reads check) Three hundred and fifty. Wow. Okay, I quit. Gary - Quit? You can't quit Gary's Gallery. Jane - No, that's the mafia. I'm sorry, this pays off the workmen at my house, a nd my girl scout cookie debt. Gary - I can't let you go. You're the best artist I have. Jane - Thanks, but I don't feel like much of an artist unless I'm working on my own stuff. Gary - I understand that. But, paints and canvases are expensive, you know. Buil d your nest-egg now, while you have the chance. Then, you can afford to work on your Jane Lane originals. Jane - Money's not the issue here. Gary - I'll increase your cut to sixty percent. Jane - Money is the issue here. Gary - And if you're that bored, you don't have to do Van Gogh's any more. Any a rtist you like. What do you say? (Jane looks conflicted) (Jake and Helen in bed, Jake is snoring, Helen has briefcase on bed and is looki ng at papers. There is a knock at the door, it's Quinn.) Helen - Quinn, come in.

Quinn - (goes to bed) Mom, I need your help. This really mean guy drew an ugly p icture of me and the Fashion Club at the art fair, and we want to sue for defame ment of character. Helen - Quinn, you can't sue for defamation of character, he didn't do anything to harm your reputation. Quinn - Yes he did! He made my face look like one big freckle! Mom, the embarras sment, the pain, the suffering! Helen - In the eyes of the law, pain and suffering are when a surgeon leaves his pager in your spleen. Quinn - Eww! What if you were on a date and it started beeping? (Helen sighs. Jake snores and both look at him) (Three workman lounging around wrecked gazebo with Jane and Trent looking on) Jane - Trent, those workmen. Shouldn't they be, I don't know, working? Trent - Hmm. Jane - Go on, tell them they can't be lollygagging around all day. Trent - Um, okay. (walks over to workers) Foreman - (still sitting) Yo, T. What's going on? Trent - Hey, I mean (with slight forcefulness) Hey! You guys aren't working. Foreman - Yes, we are. We're um, discussing measurement calculations. Trent - Oh. (beat) Wait, I don't know anything about measuring, but I know all a bout lying around, and you guys are definitely lying around. Foreman - What's your point? Trent - Um, what am I paying you for? Uh... get to work. (workers complain) Foreman - Okay guys, back to work. You heard... the man. Trent - Whoa! That's just cruel. (Art classroom at Lawndale High. Daria and Jane are painting at adjacent easels) Jane - So with the gazebo paid off, I'm in pure profit territory, and I'm only p ainting these in the style of... Daria - You mean copies of. Jane - Fine. I'm only painting them so I can support myself while doing my own s tuff. Daria - And based on your recent workload, you'll get to your own stuff right ab out the time you start clipping coupons for denture paste.

(Ms. DeFoe enters) Ms. DeFoe - Jane, your exploration of the class assignment looks remarkably simi lar to a Van Gogh. Daria - You might want to keep those safety scissors away from her ears. Jane - Okay, I'll admit that this is somewhat extracurricular. Ms. DeFoe - You don't need to explain it to me, Jane. I just hope you never lose your own unique style. (exits) Daria - She didn't even say anything about my horsey. (view of Daria's painting of a horse skeleton) (Office door with Helen Morgendorffer on a plaque, cut to Helen seated at her de sk) Helen - Dammit to hell! What sociopathic paralegal keeps stealing my "sign here" post-its? Marianne - (On speaker phone) There's a Sandi Griffin on line one. Helen -(presses button of telephone) Sandi, is Quinn all right? (Split screen, Helen at desk and Sandi in her room) Sandi - Actually, none of us are all right, given how we were cruelly maligned b y that so-called artist. Helen - Sandi, I already explained to Quinn that a lawsuit is out of the questio n. Sandi - Yes, so she told me. But, Quinn is a simple, uncomplicated girl and perh aps didn't consider other legal avenues we could explore to address our problem. Helen - I'm really terribly busy. Sandi - You see, given that this person is hardly an artist and therefore falsel y represented himself, I thought we might take steps to have him disbarred. Helen - Sandi, disbarring only applies to lawyers. Sandi - Exactly, and you're a lawyer. So, you can do it, voila. Helen (sighs) (Jane's room. She is painting a Dali replica when Trent enters) Jane - (yawns) Trent, you're up early. Trent - Those workers promised to have something done by two o'clock, so I thoug ht I better get up to check it out. Hey, why you could bring your easel down and you can like, portray the birth of a new gazebo. Jane - Trent, if I had a spare moment, I sure as hell wouldn't spend it painting . Trent - Whoa. Copying burnout. That's why Spiral doesn't play covers, because of what it would do to our creativity. And the ironic thing is, I am as free as a

bird. Jane - Good for you, Trent. Stay true to your art, I'm sure you'll always have t he negative bank balance to prove it. Trent - Hey, Janey. I'd rather balance my artistic statement than my bank statem ent. Jane - What? Trent - I don't know. I thought I had something there. (exits) Jane - (rubbing arm) My arm's getting tired, dammit. (quietly) It never used to. (View of television screen of an occupied toilet stall, and a man's arm reaching under to steal the roll) SSW Announcer - What's more heartless than pilfering a roll of toilet paper? (cu t to man in tuxedo with woman, holding money in one hand) Transforming it into a roll of twenties! The squeezably soft counterfeiter, next on Sick, Sad World. (Jane on her bed, clicking television remote) Jane - Counterfeiting. Trent - (VO) Hey, this doesn't go with the house. What about my resale value? Foreman - (VO) Look pal, that's why I rent. (Daria and Jane walking along sidewalk) Jane - Here's a funny thought, wouldn't it be hilarious if Gary were some huge a rt counterfeiting kingpin? Daria - Yeah, you'd be laughing all the way to the big house. Jane - No, listen. What if my copies are good enough to fool people? It would be a cinch for him to make millions off my hard work. Daria - To finance his secret robot army, no doubt. Jane - I'm serious. We're going to head over there right now and enact a sting o peration. Daria - Fine, you wear the mustache; I'll hide in the ceiling vent. (Daria and Jane outside Gary's Gallery) Jane - Here's the plan: there's an invoice book behind the counter that should t ell us who bought my last painting. But, you'll have to distract Gary while I'm grabbing. Daria - And just how am I supposed to do that, Mr. Phelps? Jane - You'll figure out something. Use your womanly attributes. Daria - Gotcha, I'll give birth. Jane - That'll work. (they go inside, Gary is standing inside, writing on a note pad)

Gary - Hey, Jane. How's that Dali coming along? I think I can pre-sell it. Jane - Great, great. Uh, Gary, this is my friend, Daria. She's... very intereste d in art recreations. Daria - (not convincing) Um, yes. I am very interested in art recreations. (sigh s) Although, gee, they look so simple, as if anyone could do them. Gary - Nothing could be further from the truth. Let me show you. (exits with Dar ia, Jane goes to counter and starts looking around) Why do people yearn to see g reat paintings for themselves when they can just look in a book? (cut to Daria a nd Gary) Daria - Paper cuts? Gary - Color, texture, vibrancy. (cut to Jane sorting through papers and removin g one) The palpable energy that comes from being in the presence of the work its elf. Jane - (walks over to Gary and Daria) Thanks for clearing that up Gary, but we r eally need get going. Gary - Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you. Can you do O'Keefe? The guy who boug ht your last painting, Steve Taylor, wants one for his wife's birthday. Daria - Ah-ha. Our clever subterfuge has unearthed the truth. Jane - Steve Taylor bought my last painting? Gary - He's a regular customer. Do you know him? (Daria and Jane walking up to Taylor residence, cut to view from front door as t hey approach small lawn jockey statue) Daria - Oh, look. Lawn Jockey with Lantern. Do you think it's the original Rodin ? Or a copy? Jane - Go on, laugh now, while you can. (walks to door) (Inside house, doorbell rings and Brittany opens door for Daria and Jane) Brittany - Jane, Daria, what are you doing here? You don't want to hang out, do you? Jane - (walks in) Is your father home? We have some questions about his art coll ection. Brittany - Oh! Why didn't you say so. I know all about my dad's art. He says I w as born to be an art pointer girl. Daria - Kind of like that Sister Wendy on TV. (Walking in hallway) Brittany - (stops and points to holder) This is an umbrella holder made from a r eal elephant's foot. Jane - Where's the rest of the elephant?

Brittany - Huh? There's no elephant here. Daria - Don't worry, I'm sure the hunters gave him a prosthetic foot and let him return to his family. Brittany - Gee, I hope so. (points to painting) This is painting is of a lion wi th some dead animals. Jane - Brittany, does your dad have any art that isn't from or about dead beasts ? Brittany - Oh, sure! We have a new picture by a really famous artist in the fami ly room. (Jane smirks at Daria, cut to walking up to a fireplace, Jane's copy is over the mantle) Brittany - Dad says that's an original... um... someone. (Steve Taylor enters) Steve - Brittany, why didn't you tell me you were having friends over? Brittany - Oh, they aren't friends, just Daria and Jane. Steve - You girls look familiar. Daria - Maybe you've seen us on the museum circuit. We're big art aficionados. Steve - Yeah? Me too. Jane - I like this one above the fireplace. Is it an original Van Gogh? Steve - An original? Ha. I'd need to be a billionaire. No, I found a great galle ry that's got a bunch of hacks churning out copies. They're really pretty decent for the price. Jane - (disappointed) Decent? Steve - Well, yeah. I mean, nice brushwork, don't ya think? Except for this spot here, where he gets kind of lazy. But, you get what you pay for, right? Jane - (downcast) Yeah, what you pay for. Steve - Say, if you girls want to see something really impressive, you ought to check out my trophy room. I just got my emu head mounted. (Jane looks depressed) Brittany - (VO) Dad, did that three-legged elephant learn to walk again? Steve - (VO) Huh? (Daria and Jane walking on sidewalk) Daria - Do you want to talk about it? Jane - No. (pause) Jeez, Daria. Even a cheeseball like Mr. Taylor could tell I'm a hack. Lazy brushwork he said.

Daria - Coming from a guy whose home is decorated in early petting zoo? I wouldn 't worry about it. Jane - But he was right, dammit. Daria - Hey, Gary can't keep your paintings in stock. You're a star copiest. You 've been painting your butt off, they can't all be your best work. Jane - None of them are my best work. (stops and turns) Hell, none of them are m y work. Lately, I haven't even wanted to do original stuff. Dammit, Daria! I nev er got creative block before. Daria - Your creativity has been channeled into other areas, like inventing para noid delusions centered around nonexistent art counterfeiting rings. Jane - Yeah, my ego couldn't take just being a hack. I had to be a super-hack. O r maybe I just wanted Gary to be a con-man so I could quit without remorse. Daria - Sure, because it's not like you'll have any remorse if you stay. (Three workers and Trent asleep around partially complete gazebo. Jane enters) Jane - Trent! Trent - (wakes up and snorts, rises to feet) Jane - You were supposed to get these guys to finish the job today. Trent - (sleepy) It, it was just too hard yelling at them, Janey. When I look in their eyes, I see... myself. Jane - Okay, look. I almost went nuts working to pay you slouches. So, here's th e deal. If you want to see one red cent of your money, you have precisely four h ours to finish this stupid gazebo and get the hell out of here! Foreman - But, Ma'am. There's no way to finish in that time. We're only three pe ople. Jane - Funny, I count four. (Foreman removes hammer from toolbelt and hands to Trent) Trent - Oh... Eww. (Inside front door of Morgendorffer home, door bell rings and Helen, holding pap ers, answers to see Tiffany) Helen - Hi, Tiffany. Quinn isn't home yet. Tiffany - Actually, I came to see you. Helen - Oh. Well, I'm just in the middle of an enormous... Tiffany - Do you know what it's about? Helen - Tiffany, I already explained... Tiffany - That caricaturist. Helen - (angry, throws down papers) Look! Tiffany, you can't sue the caricature

artist. Nor can you have him disbarred, deported, imprisoned or grounded. Do you understand? Tiffany - Of course. You don't have to yell. Helen - You're right, Tiffany. I'm sorry. Tiffany - We need someone to break his fingers; like on that show about those gu ys. Helen - (heavy sigh) (At new gazebo, Trent sits on ground rubbing arm, Jane on steps, Daria stands ne arby) Daria - So Gary took your resignation in stride? Jane - He says his door's always open if I change my mind. But between us, there 's something fishy about that door. I think it's a counterfeit. Trent - Whoa. Jane - You know, maybe I will do a painting of the gazebo. I can call it Descent Into Madness. Daria - Or Gazebo. Trent - Good thing Spiral's still traumatized. 'Cause I think I'm too sore to pl ay. Amanda - (VO) What are you guys doing out here? (Amanda and Vincent enter) Jane - Mom, Dad. You're back early. Vincent - Our hotel broke off the mainland and floated away. Hey, it might not b e safe to sit in there. Jane - We're risk takers. Amanda - We really should tear down that ugly thing. Vincent - Yeah, only country-house phonies have gazebos these days. Trent - But Wind said this was your Naming Gazebo. Amanda - Wind said what? Wait, I remember. Years ago, he wanted to change his na me to Ronald. We made up that story so he's appreciate the name we gave him. Daria - Ronald? Vincent - You can see we had no choice. Tell you what. As soon as I unpack, Tren t and I will grab some axes and chop this gazebo up into kindling. Whaddaya say, son? Trent - (tired) Uhhh. Jane - I'm going to kill Wind.

(Outside view of Morgendorffer home, cut to Quinn on her bed, talking on telepho ne) Quinn - So that caricaturist is going to get off scot-free? (split screen with Sandi) Sandi - It sickens me, Quinn. The criminals have more rights than the victims. Quinn - You should at least burn the picture, so no-one ever sees it again. Sandi - I should burn it? I though you had it. (Stacy's room, she enters and goes to closet, opening door to reveal picture on inside. Closeup of picture reveals Stacy, holding flowers and smiling, is the on ly one to look nice in it) (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts One J at a Time Episode #508 Written by Ron Corcillo and A.J. Poulin (Transcript created by Greystar) (opening theme song) (Opening wide shot of Morgendorffer home cuts to the kitchen table. Jake, wearin g his "Kiss The Cook" apron is working on a large bowl of something while Quinn, Helen, and Daria are sitting at their traditional places at the table, waiting for dinner.) Quinn - So this new Fashionvision series, "Behind the Untold Story of The Superm odels," reveals what the supermodels' lives were like when they were just plain models. (Jake finishes his concoction) Jake - Thai peanut sauce a-la Jake is complete-o! Who wants the first bite? Daria - You pick, mom. It'll be like Sophie's Choice. Jake - This is a whole different recipe than the last batch. (Scoops some onto Quinn's plate. She doesn't look to sure about it.) Helen - I hope so. It took three days to get the smell out of the house. Jake - Experiment with a little wasabi and the whole world's a critic. Dammit, H elen, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs! Daria - Can I have an omelet? Helen - No. Daria - How about some eggs to break?

Quinn - Anyway, the were just about to show Veronique's make-up bag from high sc hool when that delivery guy rang the door bell with Daria's package. (Shrugs) Wh at is with those brown uniforms? Daria - Um, this package? Did it run away by it self or hop a lonesome freight t rain west? (Jake reaches in and dishes Daria up) Quinn - It's in the living room somewhere (Waves in that general direction) Now I'm never going to find out what was in that make-up bag. (Jake dishes himself up and sits and Daria stands and leaves) Jake - Come on, why isn't anyone digging in? It's M'm-M'm good! (Jake takes a bite and promptly chokes. He spits into his napkin.) Quinn - EWWW! Dad's sick! Helen - (Sighs and stands) I'll heat up some lasagna, while you throw that out. Jake - Damn foreign language cookbooks! (Jake takes his bowl over to the sink.) Helen - And not in the sink! I don't want it eating through the pipes. (Jake starts muttering to himself as he starts dumping the inedible concoction i nto the trash as Daria walks in with her delivery: a hardbound book.) Quinn - (Looking over her shoulder) What is that? Daria - My people call them books. (Looks inside the front cover) Huh. A first e dition. Tom must have found it on the web. (Helen pulls a lasagna from the freezer.) Helen - Oh, how sweet! Quinn - He bought you a used book? What kind of boyfriend is he? Helen - (Putting lasagna in oven) A boyfriend who cares enough to know what's im portant to Daria. Daria - Now I'm sick. Quinn - Well, lots of guys care about me. I don't know why anyone would settle f or just one. Helen - Quinn, it's a special thing to find someone so compatible that you want to see them exclusively. Having a steady boyfriend takes maturity and perspectiv e. Quinn - (whining) I'm mature! Daria - And you have the teddy-bear earrings to prove it. Helen - You know, Daria, dad and I really haven't had the chance to really get t o know Tom. Why don't you invite him over for dinner?

Daria - Because I haven't taken complete leave of my senses. Quinn - Can I bring a boyfriend too? Helen - If and when you have a steady boyfriend, Quinn, we'd love to have him fo r dinner. Daria - Do we have to dip him in that peanut sauce before we eat him? (Behind them, Jake ties up the garbage bag) Jake - Hey! Helen - What night is good for Tom to come over? Daria - Hmm. Any time after Armageddon is fine. (Jake pulls the bag from the can, and heads out of the kitchen) Jake - I slave over a hot stove all day, and for what? Daria - (to Helen) It's to keep him off the streets, right? (Shot cuts to the driveway outside of the house. The garage door is open and Jak e is walking out to the curb. One of the two trash cans there is on it's side, i t's contents spilled all over the driveway.) Jake - Maybe if I used less chili oil. (Spots the dumped trash) Hey!! (Jake runs up to the upended trash can.) Jake - Damn skate punks are tearing up the streets! Today it's trash cans, tomor row, mail boxes! And then...(shouting) You won't get my shrubs! Do ya hear me? Y ou won't get my shrubs!! (Daria and Jane walking to school the next day.) Jane - So your mother actually go around to inviting Tom over for dinner. Daria - I know. Some workaholic. Jane - Relax. Get your father started on military school and the evening will be over before it begins. Daria - That's what I'm afraid of. Jane - What, that he'll embarrass you? That's what parents are for. Daria - It's more that he'll provide Tom with a festive night of subtle mockery. My dad deserves better than that... Sort of. Jane - Well, I don't think you're giving Tom enough credit. He never once said a n unkind work to my parents. Daria - He never met your parents. Jane - Oh, yeah. I don't suppose you could get your father to go off to Greece f or six months to sketch the sunset.

Daria - Maybe you're right. Maybe dad'll be relatively calm and Tom will bite hi s tongue and a good time will be had by all. Jane - You're gonna "forget" to tell Tom about this and hope the whole thing goe s away. Daria - I've already forgotten. (Wide outside shot of Lawndale High, then cut to the Fashion Club not eating lun ch in the cafeteria.) Sandi - Quinn has requested this emergency meeting of the Fashion Club to make t his very important announcement. Stacy - I knew camouflage would come back, I knew it! Quinn - It's not camouflage, Stacy. I've, um, decided to get a steady boyfriend. (Stacy and Tiffany look at Quinn blankly.) Sandi - If this is you're idea of a joke, Quinn, perhaps you should look up the word 'huh?' in the dictionary. Quinn - Sandi, I'm serious. It's a special thing to find someone so exclusive th at you want to see them compatibly. Tiffany - You mean you're only going to date one guy from now on? And not any ot her guys? Stacy - Quinn, think of what you'll be missing -- all the gifts and cash prizes! Sandi - On second thought, I think it's an excellent idea. Stacy - Um, me too! Tiffany - Good idea. Sandi - Who's the lucky guy? Quinn - Gee, I haven't thought about that. Sandi - Well, this is a very important decision Quinn, not one to be taken light ly. How about Craig? His parents put in a pool. Quinn - But he just got that bad haircut. Ew. Sandi - Oh, right. Hmm. Mark would look really good with you. Quinn - But he's color blind! He could pick out the wrong scarf for me or someth ing. Stacy - I know, let's make a list of qualifications. Like he has to be at least three inches taller than you and drive a car with a leather interior. Tiffany - No moles. Quinn - That's a great idea. You guys are so caring. Sandi - That's our job, Quinn. To care. And you're job is to pick a boyfriend be fore the weekend so we can confirm our schedules.

Quinn - Uh, I guess I'd better get to work. (Quinn gets up, takes her tray, and leaves the table.) Stacy - Gee, maybe we all should get boyfriends. Sandi - Why would we do that? With Quinn gone, there'll be more guys for the res t of us. (Wide shot of the Morgendorffer house, that night. Cut to the kitchen, where Hel en and Quinn are sitting at their usual places at the table. Daria is in the bac kground, walking to the fridge.) Quinn - Sandi helped me break my list into three categories: looks, popularity, and how well his hair matches my clothes. Helen - You know, Quinn, looks and popularity aren't really what's important in a relationship. Quinn - Than what is? Daria - (walking a way form the fridge with a can of soda) The ability to fix ma jor appliances. Quinn - (Makes a note) Mmm. Yes, I can see that. (Daria cracks her soda and walks off) Helen - What's really important is that you find someone that you enjoy being wi th. Quinn - You mean like how I enjoyed Kyle taking me to Le Yeast last night. Helen - I mean someone you can get along with for more than one evening. Who can share your hopes and dreams, your trials and disappointments. Someone you look forward to seeing day after day, week after week, (angrier) month after month, y ear after year, the same old complaints about his uncaring father. God is he eve r going to get over -Quinn - Mo-oommmm! That's so boring! Helen - Uh, not at all! That's compatibality! Quinn - (Gets up and leaves) I think I'll finish this upstairs. (Helen looks depressed as Quinn leaves) (Shot of the outside of Pizza King, where a line of boys is stretching off down the street. Cut to inside where Quinn is conducting boyfriend interviews. Needle ss to say, Joey, Jeffey, and Jamie are at the head of the line, where Quinn is s itting with her notepad. Daria and Jane are watching the proceedings from their booth in the background) Quinn - Moving on to compatibility, what color jacket would you ware to match my mauve sandals? Jeffy - Um, leather? (Next!)

Quinn - Can you fix major appliances? Jamie - I set the clock on my VCR once. (Next!) Quinn - If I were stranded on a deserted island, what is the one item you'd brin g me? Jeffy - A boat! With flares, and life boats, and the Coast Guard, and...and the Navy! Quinn - Wrong wrong wrong! The correct answer is 'sunscreen!' (Zoom in on Daria and Jane) Jane - Wow. Ten interviews in ten minutes. She really should consider a career i n broadcast journalism. Daria - Tonight, on Sixty Seconds. (Shot of Jake's Lexus pulling into the driveway and screeching to a halt outside the Morgendorffer's home. This time both trash cans are spilled over.) Jake - (shouting as he gets out of the car) Damn you kids! I'm going to set up o ne of those hidden surveillance cameras!! (Jake slams the door and goes to clean up the mess) Jake - Probably shouldn't have yelled that last part out. (Just as Jake bends down, a gray squirrel shoots out of one of the trash cans. J ake yells in surprise as the offending animal, a nugget of something in it's tee th, scrambles up the tree next to the driveway and looks down on Jake from a bra nch.) Jake - (back on his feet and looking up) You're no kid, dammit! (The usual wide shot of Lawndale High, the next day. Then into the cafeteria, wh ere Quinn, Stacy, and Tiffany are at the usual Fashion Club table. Sandi has col lected her tray and walks into the shot to set next to Quinn.) Quinn - Andy has the best shoulders, but Peter has a better jaw line. STACY and Tiffany - Uh huh. I agree. Sandi - Quinn, the weekend is almost upon us and you have yet to choose your boy friend. Quinn - Sandi, I know! I'm trying as hard as I can, but I just can't decide beca use what if the one I think is the right one turns out to be the wrong one and t he wrong is the right one and what are the right ones? Tiffany - This is the hardest and most important decision you'll ever have to ma ke. Quinn - (head in hands) I know! (looks up) Stacy, do you still have that magic e ight-ball?

Stacy - Um... (Joey, Jeffy and Jamie walk up) Jamie - Hey, Quinn! Did you pick a boyfriend yet? Joey - Is it one of us? Jeffy - Like, for instance, me? Quinn - Well, uh... Sandi - Come on, Quinn. Don't keep your future boyfriend waiting. (Tiffany, Stacy, and the Three Js are all looking on expectantly) Quinn - Okay okay, I've decided that my boyfriend will be... (Quinn holds up one hand to hide the other and starts counting.) Quinn: Eene meeny miney mo, catch a boyfriend by the toe, my mother said to pick this one --Jamie! Jamie - All right! Joey and Jeffy - Aww! (Joey and Jeffy stalk off angrily, with Jamie following.) Jamie - Hey, guys! Sandi - Quinn. Quinn! There goes your boyfriend! Quinn - So? Sandi - So, he's your boyfriend! Run to him, Quinn! Quinn - Oh, yeah! (Stands off and runs after Jamie) Hey! Jamie, you idiot! (As soon as Quinn leaves, Sandi leans on the table, all business.) Sandi - Okay, let's divide up all the guys at school. I've devised a draft syste m similar to that used by the WNBA. (Shot of the Morgendorffer kitchen. Daria is at her usual place, doing a crosswo rd, Helen is putting away some dishes, and Jake is working on a large cage trap on the island.) Helen - Daria, let's pick a night for Tom to come over. How's Friday? Daria - Sorry, no good. It's the day after Thursday. Helen - Well, how about Saturday, then? Daria - I'll be gearing up for Sunday. Helen - Daria, is there some reason you don't want to invite Tom over? Jake - Damn squirrels are nothing but rats with fluffy tails! Well, to catch a r at, you've got to think like a rat! Where's the cheese!

(Daria gives Helen an "Any other dumb questions?" look as Quinn walks into the k itchen.) Quinn - Mom, dad, it's official. Jamie is my new boyfriend. Therefore I will no longer be accepting unsolicited calls from other boys. (Jake is digging in the refrigerator, his backside sticking out and bouncing in time to his rummaging.) Jake - (high pitched) Gimmie cheese! I want cheese! Quinn - Um, dad? What about you're heart and whatnot? Jake - I don't have a heart! I'm a fluffy rat! (Laughs manically as he walks out .) Helen - Daria -- (cell phone rings and Helen answers) Hello? Really? Suing UNICE F? Eric, is that a good move, public relations-wise? Well, yes, it is a lot of p ennies. (walks off) (Quinn walks up next to Daria, who's trying to concentrate on her crossword.) Quinn - It was a very difficult decision. . . I mean, picking Jamie for my boyfr iend. . . Much contemplation was involved. Daria - (giving up on her crossword) If he's your boyfriend, how come you're not with him? You should be together all the time. That's what girlfriends do, you know. Quinn - What? You're not always with Tom. Daria - But we don't go to the same school. If we did, we'd be together before s chool, after school, in between meals and after snacks. And then on the phone al l night. Quinn - But -Daria - In fact, you should be with Jamie right now. Unless you want to cause pr oblems this early in the relationship. Quinn - (Sighs) A girlfriend's work is never done. (Quinn leaves as Helen walks back in, still on her cell phone.) Helen - Well, if we're gonna sue the bastards, I say get 'em right after Hallowe en when they're flush. (Outside, Jake is heard to scream.) Helen - I'll call you back. (Helen shuts off her phone and turns to look out the window. In the back yard, J ake has gotten his hand caught in his cage trap and is thrashing it around in an effort to get it off. Helen now realizes exactly what Daria is worried about.) Jake - Aahh! DAMMIT! GAAHHHH!! Helen - (turns and sits) You're worried about your father's behavior.

Daria - Look, I understand him... Helen - Really? Daria - ...but he might be a little off-putting to someone who's not, um, blood related. They might not appreciate his, um, energetic reactions to certain stimu li. Helen - Stimuli? What stimuli? Daria - Oh, you know. Everything. Helen - (Sighs, conceding the point.) Daria, I'll make you a deal. I'll have a t alk with your father about his conduct. You call Tom about dinner. What do you s ay? Daria - (resignedly) Didn't our deals used to involve cash? (Shot of Quinn sitting on the floor of her bedroom, talking on the phone with so meone.) Quinn - Now, according to Waif, the most important part of communicating is list ening. (Screen splits to show Jamie, presumably in his own bedroom, sitting at his desk . A digital clock style caption reads 6:30 pm.) Jamie - Yeah, nobody ever listens to when I -Quinn - Oh look! A quiz on what your eye shadow says about you! My favorite shad e is a, blue; b, umber... (Jamie does not look happy, but sits back and resigns himself to the situation. Shot fades out and back in. The clock-caption reads 8:05pm. Quinn is still talki ng and Jamie is studying with the phone up to his ear.) Quinn - Stacy says those hippie people in the sixties didn't even ware eye shado w! I mean what's that about?... I said, what's that about? Jamie - (tosses his book away) Um, I know? (Scene fades out and in again. Clock says 11:49pm. Quinn is still prattling on a nd Jamie has his knees clamped together and a look of agony on his face as he bo unces on his toes.) Quinn - Cream shadows can get stuck in creases... (Jamie drops the phone on his desk and races off screen.) Quinn - ... not that I have any creases, but I've seen it happen to other people . Do you prefer the glitzy look of creams or the ore natural look of pressed pow ders? What do you think? (The sound of a toilet flushing is heard.) Quinn - Jamie? Jamie, you're not listening to me! (Jamie races back to his chair and picks the phone up again.) Jamie - Of course I am! Um, creases suck!

Quinn - You haven't been listening! You don't even care what kind of eye shadow I ware! Jamie - I'm sorry! Quinn - Forget it! It's over. (Quinn's side of the split screen slides off, leaving Jamie holding a now dead p hone.) Jamie - Quinn! Come back! (Shot of outside of Morgendorffer home, then to the back yard. Something has bee n caught in Jake's cage trap, and he's coming out of the glass doors in the livi ng room to investigate.) Jake - I've got you now, fluff-rat! (Jake pops the trap open and looks inside, discovering that he's caught a neighb or's cat.) Jake - Oh! Mr. Whiskers! (Jake scratches the cat's ears and chin) What are you d oing in there, you silly kitty? (Jake reaches in and takes the cat out of the tr ap) You should be next door in your cozy warm -(Mr. Whiskers yowls and slashes at Jakes arm with his claws.) Jake - (drops the cat, which runs off, and grabs his wounded arm) Gah!! DAMMIT!! (Shot cuts to the living room, where Daria is watching TV. The Sick, Sad World t heme is playing as a man in fly fishing gear sets something on to his hook and c asts.) SSW Announcer - Meet the fly fishing pathologist who uses human organs as bait! 'A Liver Run's Through It,' next on Sick, Sad World! (Quinn walks in and sits down beside Daria.) Quinn - If Jamie calls, I'm not speaking to him. Daria - How about if he doesn't? Quinn - My new boyfriend is Joey, so put him through immediately. (takes remote and starts flipping channels) Daria - Hey, shouldn't you be watching your new boyfriend at football practice r ight now? Quinn - It's too humid. My hair might frizz. Daria - (crosses her arms) Brittany's there, supporting Kevin. She has hair. Quinn - She's a cheerleader, she has to go. Daria - I'm not a cheerleader and I go to all of Tom's luge races. I guess you'r e just one of those unsupportive girlfriends. Quinn - (gets up and walks off) Maybe they'll have some frizz-proof conditioner at the drugstore.

(Daria takes the remote back and goes back to watching SSW, which was what she w anted to do in the first place.) (Switch to the kitchen, where Jake is digging in the refrigerator again. Helen w alks in as he's scrounging.) Helen - Jake, dear. I want to talk to you about Sunday night. Tom's coming over and it would mean a lot to Daria if we were both on out best behavior. Jake - The cheese didn't work. Do squirrels like salami? Helen - Jake, this is important! I want you to give this squirrel hunt a rest wh ile Tom is here. Jake - Oh, um, sure! you can count on old Jakey! Helen - Thank you, honey. Jake - Besides, by the time Tom gets here, I'll be wearing a squirrel skin cap o n my head and doing a victory jig! (looks back in the refrigerator) I wonder if he'd go for bacon bits? (Helen sighs and looks at the ceiling with an expression that clearly says "Give me strength!" ) (The living room, later that evening. Daria is reading a magazine while Quinn, d ressed for a date, is talking on the phone.) Quinn - I really miss you too, Stacy! It's so hard to see your friends and go sh opping and stuff when you're forced to be with -- when you have a boyfriend! Of course, commitment is very important to me. Daria - Hello, Bellevue? Quinn - Sandi's been dating Kyle? But I thought Kyle liked me?... I know, I know , boyfriend blah blah blah. So, what are you guys doing tonight? Daria - The usual, cast a few spells then a quick broomstick ride before bed. Quinn - But I love Guys 2 Guys! I can't believe Joey's not taking me to that con cert! (doorbell rings) There he is, got to go! (Quinn opens the door and is presented with a large bouquet of flowers by Joey, who's also dressed up for their date.) Joey - Hi, Quinn! Quinn - Um, change of plans. You're taking me to the Guys 2 Guys concert. Joey - But you said that you wanted to go to Marg La Cuisine! Tonight's their ope n -Quinn - Forget what I said. I want to go to the concert! Joey - But Quinn, it's sold out! Quinn - Fine! If you won't take me, then you obviously don't care! You're one of those unsupportive boyfriends!

Joey - But Quinn -Quinn - Forget it! It's too late! It's over! Joey - But Quinn, wait! (Quinn slams the door in his face.) Daria - Wow. A whole day. At least you'll have the memories. Quinn - I give up! This boyfriend stuff is too time consuming. (Helen walks in as Quinn starts dialing the phone) Helen - Daria, I, um, spoke to your father. We're all set for Sunday night. And Quinn! Why don't you invite your boyfriend, too! Quinn - Um, my boyfriend? Helen - Why not? I think it's great that you're in a steady relationship. It sho ws a lot of personal growth. Quinn - Uh, okay, I'll invite him. (to herself) As soon as I figure out who he i s. (Opening shot of Mrogendorffer home. Tom is getting out of his car, parked by th e mail box, and Daria is waiting for him on the curb.) Daria - Just keep telling yourself that someday you'll look back on tonight and laugh. Tom - Isn't that what they said to Lincoln? Daria - Tom, I... Tom - Daria, I don't mind. Really. It'll be interesting getting to know your fol ks. (They start up the walk towards the door.) Daria - Speaking of interesting, my father can be a little... eccentric. Tom - So I've heard. Daria - From who?! Tom - You! Daria - Oh, yeah. (They enter the house and Daria shuts the door behind them) Daria - I know that you wouldn't intentionally say anything to upset him, it's j ust that he's kind of, um sensitive. Tom - So, no bright lights or loud noises? Daria - (warning) Tom. (Quinn walks down the stairs and comes up to the couple.)

Tom - Don't worry. I want him to like me too, you know. Quinn - Ahem. Excuse me. My new serious boyfriend, Jeffy, will be here any minut e, and I'd like it if you two didn't do anything to embarrass me. Daria - I guess the bear suits are out. Tom - How long have you and Jeffy been a couple? Quinn - It's not the quantity of the time, but the quality. Daria - You'll make a great neglectful mother one day. (looks at Tom) Speaking o f serious, thanks for getting us those adjoining cemetery plots. (nods at Quinn and looks her way with her eyes) Now I know you care. Tom - (gets the hint) Oh! My pleasure. Quinn - That's gross! Tom - No that's commitment. (takes Daria's hand) Right, Snookles? Daria - (fake embarrassment) Oh, you! Quinn - 'Snookles?' (doorbell rings, and Quinn answers.) (Jeffy is standing outside the door.) Quinn - Hi Jeffy! I mean, uh, Jeffy-lube. Jeffy - Um, hey Quinn. Quinn - I need to talk to you about our cemetery plots, but not now. (Jeffy now looks completely confused.) (Scene changes to the Morgendorffer's dining room. Tom and Daria are sitting nex t to each other on one side, while Quinn and Jeffy have the other.) Helen - We're so glad that you two could come over. Tom - Thanks for inviting us, Mrs. Morgendorffer. Jeffy - Um, yeah. Jake - No problem-o. It's great to have some men around the house. This place co uld do with a little scratching and sweating now and then. Right, guys? (Helen l oudly clears her throat) Huh? Tom - So, what's new, Mr. Morgendorffer? Jake - Not too much, Tom my man. Not too much. (frowns) Except there's this squi rrel. He's been terrorizing the neighborhood. Digging up yards and knocking over trash can's with a single flip of his fuzzy tail. Helen - Jake, remember what I said. Jake - But he asked! Tom - I'm with you, Mr. Morgendorffer. Some squirrels got into our cellar last w

inter and ate up all the wheat thins. Daria - Tom! Tom - What? They did. Helen - Jeffy! What are your favorite subjects in school? Jeffy - I caught a squirrel once! Quinn - Jeffy! Jake - You did! How? Jeffy - They really like peanut butter! Jake - Peanut butter! Yeah! I bet Thai Peanut sauce would work great! And I whip ped up a new batch just last night! Helen - Jake, you didn't! Daria - I thought I smelled something at breakfast, but I just thought a neighbo r had died. (Helen's cell phone starts ringing) Helen - (Digging for her phone) Jake, you promised you'd -- (turns on phone) Hel lo? Eric? This is a bad time, I'm in the middle of a family -- Yes, of course I knew UNICEF's a charity. No, it's Uniroyal that makes the tires. (walks out with her phone) Jake - Hey Jeffy. do you think you could help me set up the trap? Jeffy - Sure! Quinn - Jeffy! What's more important? Our commitment to compatible exclusivity o r some stupid squirrel? Tom - Look, there it is! (Jake looks over his shoulder and, sure enough, the squirrel is in the back yard .) Jake - Let's go! (All three males leave the room in a rush) Daria - Tom? Quinn - Jeffy! (Daria gets up and goes over to the window. She watches as Tom and Jeffy set up the trap, while Jake loads it up with peanut sauce.) Daria - I guess that answers the "what's more important" question. Well, things have turned out even more ridiculous than -Quinn - AUGH! I can't believe that Jeffy just deserted me like that! I'll never have a boyfriend! I'll never be in a relationship like you and Tom! I'm a comple te failure!

(Quinn rushed out.) Daria - Hmm. Do I do the sisterly thing and console her? Oh look. Rolls. (Daria takes a roll out of the bowl on the table and takes a bite as Helen walks in.) Helen - All right, Eric, you keep working on the apology. I'll draft a list of c hildren's charities we haven't sued. Bye! (Turns off her phone and notices the e mpty room) Oh my. Where is everyone? Daria - Dad, Tom, and Jeffy are outside trying to catch a squirrel, and Quinn's in her room crying. Helen - Why? What happened? Daria - Male bonding, I guess. Helen - I mean with Quinn. Daria - Oh. She said something about failing at relationships. Helen - What? Just because Jeffy joined your father on some ridiculous squirrel chase, she thinks her relationship is over? Daria - Well, she might have had slightly unrealistic expectations about what ha ving a boyfriend entails. Helen - Uh-huh. And just what would some of these expectations be? Daria - You know, being together twenty-four hours a day, hanging on each other' s every word, his-and-hers cemetery plots. Helen - Daria, how could you mislead your sister like that!? (Helen leaves) Daria - Mother. How could I not? (Daria looks back outside and sees Tom, Jake, and Jeffy celebrating the capture of the squirrel.) Daria - (Walks back to her seat) And what about me? I finally get up the nerve t o invite Tom for a family dinner and everyone leaves me, confirming my deepest f ears about abandonment and isolation. Oh look, shoestring potatoes. (Quinn's room, with her laying across her bed, looking miserable as Helen walks in.) Helen - Quinn, Daria said you were upset. Quinn - Of course I'm upset! I tried and I tried to get this boyfriend thing rig ht and I just couldn't! I don't know who I'm gonna be buried with! My whole life has been a lie. Helen - Maybe you're not ready for a steady boyfriend just yet. Quinn - Okay! I admit you were right! I'm not mature enough to have a boyfriend.

Helen - Me?? I never said you weren't mature enough for a boyfriend! Quinn - (sits up) But you said Daria was really mature to be in a relationship, so if I'm not in a relationship that makes me un-mature. . . Or "im?" Helen - Quinn, having a boyfriend doesn't make you any more or less grown up. Wh at's important is to do what makes you happy. Dating Tom exclusively makes Daria happy. If dating a lot of different boys makes you happy, than that's what you should do. (Quinn ponders this for a moment.) Quinn - So, it's alright not to have a steady boyfriend? Helen - Of course it's all right. (Quinn jumps up off the bed. Obviously she's feeling better.) Quinn - Okay! I'm going to go dump Jeffy now! (Chance to shot of a road sign -- "LEAVING LAWNDALE COUNTY." Pull back to see Ja ke's Lexus speeding by. In the car, Tom, Jake, and Jeffy are singing along with the radio while Jeffy is doing a jig in the back seat.) Tom, Jeffy, & Jake - Whoomp, there it is! Whoomp, there it is! Whoomp, there it is! Jake - I love this song! Think we're far enough out of town, fellas? Tom - Let's give it a shot. (Jake pulls off the road and the three of them get the squirrel trap out of the back seat. Jake releases the squirrel back into the wild, while the other two wa tch.) Jake - Bye, little fella. It was nothing personal. Jeffy - Boy, this would be a great place to play paint-ball. Tom - Or go camping. Jake - Or build a fort! Jeffy - Hey, my dad used to take us to a go-kart track right down the road from here! Jake & Tom - No way! All right! (Back to the Morgendorffer dining room, where Daria is finishing her dinner as Q uinn walks in.) Quinn - Where is everyone? Daria - Apparently it takes three people to return a squirrel to it's natural ha bitat. Quinn - (taking a seat) Tom went too? Daria - I guess part of me always knew that someday he'd return to the wild.

Quinn - Daria, do you ever think that maybe guys and girls aren't meant to under stand each other? Like it's all part of some big unfunny joke on us that we'll b e struggling with for the rest of our lives? (spots the vegetable tray) Oh look, celery stalks. (Daria smiles her Mona Lisa smile.) (Shot changes to the go-kart track. Jake, Jeffy, and Tom are tearing up the trac k, having a great time) Jeffy - You're mine now, Mr. Morgendorffer! Tom - Say your prayers, Jeffy-lube! Jake - Yahoo! Yeah! (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Life in the Past Lane Episode #509 Written by Anne D. Bernstein (Transcript created by Greystar) (opening theme song) (Opening shot of Tom, Daria, and Jane walking down a down town street. Banners h anging from the street lights proclaim "Main Street Mania.") Jane - What ever happened to the big 'Revitalize Downtown Lawndale' plan? Tom - They spent all the money on flags. (Tom looks over his shoulder at the digital clock on the front of the Lawndale B ank. It says 4:40) Tom - Come on. We have to get to the post office before it closes. Jane - (crosses arms) Ah, new wanted posters go up today? Daria - No use trying to keep good news secret in this town. Coming? (Jane looks over her shoulder and sees a young man walking into the stationery s tore they are standing in front of.) Jane - Actually, I really need an eraser. (smirks appreciatively) A nice, big, c ute one. You guys go on ahead and I'll catch up with you at the pizza place. (Jane turns and heads into the store while Tom and Daria exchange a look.) (Cut to wide shot of the Lawndale Mall. Outside the main entrance, Charles "Upch uck" Ruttheimer has a magic booth set up.) Upchuck - Ladies! Gentlemen! And especially ladies! Ruttheimer the Prestidigitat or begs your indulgence! May I show you something that will astound and amaze? (A small crowd, including Brittany and Kevin quickly gathers as he speaks.)

Kevin - Look, babe! Upchuck's doing magic! Like David Coppertone! Upchuck - A simple deck of cards. And nothing up my sleeve, unless you don't cou nt my rippling musculature. Brittany - (tugs on Kevin's arm) Let's go, Kevvy, or Cashman's will be all out o f that thingy your going to want to buy me. (Upchuck shuffles the deck and fans it out on the table.) Upchuck - Now I'll need some help from the audience to assist me. (Kevin's hand shoots up) Kevin - Me! Me! Me! Upchuck - Hmm. (points at Kevin) Yes, you'll do nicely. Pick a card, any card. L ook at it and return it to the deck. (Kevin does so. There is a quick close up showing that he picked up the Jack of diamonds. Upchuck then reshuffles.) Kevin - That was awesome! Upchuck - (flat) We're not done. Kevin - It was still cool. Upchuck - (to Brittany) Now, comely miss, if you will. Reach into my shirt pocke t--with your teeth--and remove the card that you find there! Brittany - Um, okay. (Upchuck growls as she removes the card, then shows it to Kevin.) Upchuck - Is this your card, sir? Kevin - Um, I forgot. Brittany - It did have a guy on it. Kevin - Oh, right! Hey! You took my card man! (Crowd applauds, then disperses with the exception of Kevin and Brittany.) Brittany - Brr! It's like he read your mind. Do you think he can read my mind? ' Cause that stuff I was thinking about Teddy Wazniac doesn't mean I'd actually do that stuff with Teddy Wazni--(sees the dirty look Kevin is giving her )--eep! (Cut back to the stationery store, where Jane and the man she saw earlier are lo oking over the merchandise on the front counter. Jane picks up a paint brush and checks the bristles.) Jane - Wow. This place is so old, even the crayons have expired. Nathan (checking out an old fountain pen) - It's really orbiting Planet Yesterda y, huh? They don't make 'em like they used to. Jane - I really love this stuff! Photo corners, cloth typewriter ribbons, sealin

g wax. Nathan - Oh, look. Carbon paper. (Both he and Jane reach for the stack at the same time, then look each other in the eyes. They shake hands.) Nathan - I'm Nathan. Jane - Jane. Nathan - You know, I really ought to give this a test scribble before I buy it. Maybe I could write down, say, a phone number? Jane - How about mine? (Cut to the pizza place, where Tom, Daria, and Jane are sitting at their usual t able. Jane is going on about the guy she just met.) Jane - And he wares cuff links, and drives one of those big old cars with fins. How great is that? Daria - Do you think it's a good idea to pick up a perfect stranger while under the influence of ink well fumes? Even if he has come here from prehistoric times . Jane - Hey, if I didn't have the nerve to pick up guys, you wouldn't have a boyf riend. Daria - Oh great. I'm not going to have to date this guy now, am I? Jane & Tom - Hey! Daria (shrugs) - What'd I say? Tom - I don't know, I hate the present too, but not enough to ware a zoot suit. Jane - He doesn't ware a zoot suit. He's a snappy dresser in the classical-elega nt sense. Plus, he has impecable manners and a biting whit. Daria - Oh, so he's-Jane - And he loves girls!! Daria - Okay, he's got it all. (looks lat Tom) Not like some guys. Tom - It's true. If I really cared, I'd dress like a dead man too. (Jane stands up angrily.) Jane - Thanks for the encourgement, you two. Maybe sometime you can teach me how to pass judgement on someone I've never met. Daria - She's going to be dissappointed. Tom - Yeah. That's not really the kind of thing you can teach. (Daria rolls her eyes.) (Cut to Upchuck's booth at the mall, where he is playing The Shell Game with a p

ing pong ball and three small, red bowls. He puts the ball under beneath the cen ter bowl and begins to rapidly rearrange them.) Upchuck - I place a ball beneath a cup. With dazzling skill I mix them up. (Another crowd looks on, this time including DeMartino and O'Neill.) Upchuck - The ball withdraws like a bashful maid, who runs away when attention's paid. Where, oh where, did my pretty one go? Risk ten bills if you think you kn ow! DeMartino - Despite your distracting and poorly metered rhyme, my eagle eye tell s me that the ball is most certainly underneath that cup! And I've got the ten s pot to prove it! (DeMartino places a bill nest to the cup on Upchuck's left.) O'Neill - I hate to contradict you, Anthony, but--heh heh heh--it's under that o ne. (Points to the cup on the right) Upchuck - Would you like to bet, Mr. O'Neill? DeMartino - Yeah! I'm not afraid to back up my sporting supposition with cold ha rd cash! O'Neill - Well, I suppose I should have the courage of my convictions. (O'Neill places a bill of his own by the right cup. Upchuck then raises the cent er cup, revealing the ball.) DeMartino - Oh no! How could my razor sharp intellect betray me? O'Neill - In loss there is wisdom. DeMartino - Go away! O'Neill - Um, yes. (The crowd disperses, with the exception of DeMartino as Upchuck comes out from behind his magic booth.) Upchuck - Thanks for the assistance, Mr. De-plant-ino. DeMartino - I quite enjoy helping the cretinous hoards learn a valuable lesson a bout gullibility and trust. Gimme my cut! (Upchuck hands over a few bills to DeMartino, who then leaves.) Upchuck - The cash is sweet, but sweeter still, the chance to attract the most l uscious of ladies with my mesmerizing stage presence. (looks over his shoulder) Aha! It's working already! (The Fashion Club walks by the table, on their way to a shopping spree.) Upchuck - Beauteous maidens, may I show you something that will astound and amaz e? Sandi - Only if it's a disappearing act. Upchuck - No, a feat of illusion.

Tiffany - Like, contouring your nose to make it look thin? (Quinn and Stacy look at Tiffany in horror.) Tiffany - Not me! Upchuck - Please, spare just a moment to behold my astonishing magic skills! Sandi - Make it fast, Charles. I don't want to get stuck in the midday cosmetics counter crush. Upchuck - Observe! (Takes out a ten dollar bill) Genuine U.S. currency! Which I shall now tear into tiny pieces! (Upchuck proceeds to rip the bill up as the Fashion Club gasps.) Sandi - That is most certainly illegal! Upchuck - But wait! Through the commanding force of my virile presence, the bill is magically restored! (Upchuck reveals that the bill is, indeed, undamaged. The Quinn, Tiffany, and St acy sigh in relief, but Sandi seems unimpressed.) Sandi (dryly) - Truly astonishing. Stacy - But, how'd he do that? Sandi - Oh, Stacy. You are so naive. He obviously used mirrors or something. Quinn - Besides, who cares if he can fix a ten. It's not like it was a fifty. Sandi - Come on. Let's make some real money disappear. (The other three walk off, chuckling to themselves, but Stacy hangs back for a m oment, still trying to figure out Upchuck's trick, then follows.) Tiffany (o/s) - Good was a one, Sandi. (Cut to Lawndale High. Jane is closing her locker, but wearing in a yellow dress and heels in place of her usual garb. Daria comes walking up.) Daria - Hey, stranger. Haven't seen you around much. Jane - Been hanging out with Nathan. (Daria looks Jane's outfit over.) Daria - I had a hunch. Heard any good barber shop quartets lately? Jane - No, but we went to an antique car show Sunday, and we're starting fox-tro t lessons tonight. Daria - Sounds great. Except for the car show and fox-trot part. Jane (defensive) - Dancing is fun, Daria, which is more than I can say for you t hese days. Daria - Come on. A month ago, you would have been laughing at this too.

Jane - You don't have to put Nathan and me down just because you and Tom are in a rut. Daria (frowns) - At least we weren't doing the fox-trot when we tripped and fell in it. Jane - Ha. (Jane walks off) Daria - Hey, come back! (no response) Do you know your seams are crooked? (Daria stands there and frowns after Jane.) (Opening shot of the entrance of the Cinplex theater. A small crowd is leaving, with Daria and Tom among them.) Tom - So, pizza? (Daria stops walking.) Tom - What? Daria - Do you think we're in a rut? Tom - Where'd that come from? Daria - Jane. Just because her exciting social life involves co-piloting a time machine. Tom - Nathan? Daria - Don't you think he sounds a little pretentious? Tom - Is that any way to talk about your future boyfriend? Daria - Hey! Tom - What'd I say? (Daria groans. She had that one coming. Tom puts his arm around Daria and leads her off.) Tom - Come on. Let's shake up our routine and go someplace crazy. (Cut to the inside of a restaurant. The walls are covered with pictures and asso rted memorabilia, including an oar and a Penny-Farthing bicycle. Tom and Daria a re sitting in a corner booth.) Daria - What if he does turn out to be a complete jerk. Tom - Isn't that Jane's call? Daria - I feel a certain responsibility for the health and well being of her soc ial life. Tom - Um, me too. But we've got to give this guy a chance. Daria - I guess.

(The waitress arrives.) Debbie - (way too chipper) Hi, I'm Debbie, your server. Would you care for a fre e Sour Cream Supreme Potato Skin with your order today? Daria - Gee, I bet you say that to all the customers. Debbie - If I don't, you get a free five dollar Phineas T. Firefly gift certific ate, good at any of our two hundred and forty locations across the country! Tom - Think we can catch the last rut out of here? (Cut to a narrow, back alley, somewhere in Lawndale. There is a single door on o ne of the buildings. Nathan and Jane come walking down the alley, dressed in for ties style clothes.) Nathan - You know, this place actually used to be a speakeasy. Jane - Until some spoilsport repealed prohibition and spoiled everything. Nathan - Actually, it was the developers who ruined everything, with their tract housing, mini-malls and chain restaurants that serve (shudder) potato skins. (A slot in the door opens up and someone looks out.) Doorman - Youse know da pass word? Nathan - Yahooty. Doorman - Okay, Jonnieboy. Yer in. (The door opens and Nathan indicates that Jane is to go first.) Jane - Oh, no. After youse. Nathan - Chivalry ain't dead. Dames first. (Inside is a complete forties style dance hall, complete with a Big Band on the stage. Nathan and Jane are sitting at a table.) Jane - The trouble with modern restaurants is that they don't serve enough lime aspic with marshmallow surprises. Nathan - Told you this club was eighteen carat. Too bad the crowd tonight is kin d of Frankie come lately. They're so post-khakies ad. Jane - Oooooo. Nathan - I'm serious! That guy's tie is too wide, and his compenario is wearing suspenders and a belt! I can't believe they let them in! Jane - Gee, maybe I shouldn't have put on gloves and a necklace. Nathan - Relax! You're with Nathan, sweetheart. You can't be more in than that! Want to cut a rug? Jane - Just call me Scissors Girl. (Cut to Jane and Nathan on the dance floor.)

Nathan - Jane, you're one swell chick Jane - And you're, uh, one swell swell? Nathan - Would you mind if I kissed you? Jane - You're actually asking? Nathan - Hey, I'm a class act. Jane - Then... sure. (The couple kiss, and Jane puts her hand on the back of Nathan's head, mussing h is hair.) Nathan - My hair! Jane - (goes to smooth his hair) It's a quick fix. Nathan - No! No! It's complicated! I got to get to a mirror! (Jane sniffs her glove.) Jane - Palmade. I got to get to a napkin. (Cut to the corridor of Lawndale High. Upchuck and Stacy are walking together.) Upchuck - Oh, how I wish I could quench your curiosity, my pet, but I cannot rev eal my secrets. It's the Magician's Code. Stacy - But I have to know how you did it! I can't get it out of my mind! Upchuck - I know the feeling! There are so many things that I can't get out of m y mind! Like that dream about the mermaids and the fudge sauce, for example? (In the background, Quinn, Sandi, and Tiffany are at Quinn's locker and the shot centers on them as Sandi watches Stacy and Upchuck walk by.) Sandi - Was that Stacy with Upchuck? Quinn - (looks) No way. It must be that girl who looks like Stacy, except when s he turns around. Tiffany - Or that girl who looks like that girl. (Cut to the outside entrance of the school. Jane walks out, wearing a pink forti es dress and a hair net. Daria follows a moment later.) Daria - Hey, wait up. Jane - You're lucky I have trouble walking in heels. Daria - Listen, I'm sorry I gave you a hard time about Nathan. Jane - Why do you always have to write people off before you even know them? Daria - I thought that's what you liked about me. Jane - Well, I guess I can forgive you. Besides, this retro thing is pretty sill

y. I mean I'm wearing a snood. Daria - I was pretending not to notice. Jane - But, what the hell, it's just for fun. Daria - Which is what I finally figured out. So, can I walk you to your steno po ol? Jane - Actually, Nathan is picking me up. (Nathan pulls up in what looks like a blue and white '57 Chevy and honks the hor n.) Jane - Need a ride home? Daria - Um... (Jane and Daria get in the car, with Daria in the back and Jane riding shotgun.) Daria - Matching dress and tie. Um, copasetic. Nathan - Hey, you speaketh the jive! Daria - I dabble. (Nathan pulls out of the parking lot.) Nathan - That's a swinging look you've put together, Daria. Catholic School Girl meets Kings Road London, circa eighty-three. Daria - Darn, I was going for circa eighty-two. Jane - Hey, Daria, do you and Tom want to hang out with us Friday? We're going t o check out this movie theater outside town. Daria - Um, sure. That sounds... fun. (The expression on Daria's face says that she expects it to be anything but.) (Cut to Nathan's car driving down the highway. It's later at night, and he has t he top down. Daria and Tom are riding in the back seat, with the wind blowing th eir hair all over the place. Jane has a scarf, and Nathan's hat seems impervious to the wind.) Tom - Nathan, how the hell are you keeping that hat on? Nathan - Custom made, my man. It's all in the fit. Daria - And yet they can't find a cure for cancer. (Tom nudges Daria with his elbow.) Jane - Nathan owns a pair of pants that belonged to Sammy Davis Junior. Nathan - I can't ware them, though. (cocks and eyebrow) They're a very strange s hape. Daria - Then what do you put on when you want to take a sunrise and sprinkle it with dew?

Tom - Uh, how'd you get interested in all this? Nathan - Well, I've always dug the beauty and elegance of post-war American desi gn. People had a sense of timeless style and civilized decorum back then. Daria - Well, yeah. But you also had the timeless style of Cold War conformity a nd the civilized decorum of segregation. Nathan - I'm not saying it was all steak and onions. But there were standards. Daria - Yeah, dress codes, loyalty oaths. Jane - Oh, there it is! (They pull into an old drive in theater. The screen is full of holes, there is s ome playground equipment that is falling apart, and the fence is falling down.) Tom - What movie are we seeing? Nathan - No movie. Jane - Wow. Erie. Let's get out and poke around. Tom - It is kind of bizarre. Daria - No, hairless cats are bizarre. This is kind of... cool. Nathan - Darn. We're the first one's here. I wanted to make an entrance. Daria - First ones here?? Nathan - Look, here comes Charlece and Asher! (A few other fifties era cars pull into the drive-in.) Daria - Oh god. It's night of the vintage threads! Nathan - Come on, Jane. I'll introduce you to the gang. Daria - There's a gang?? Nathan - But first, hair check! (Nathan runs a comb through his hair as the occupants of the other vehicles get out and someone starts the dance music playing. A couple of the new arrivals sta rt dancing, doing some pretty complicated moves.) Tom - Hey, that was pretty good. Daria - And I'm sure they didn't spend a good portion of their teen years practi cing it either. Jane - (as she gets out of the car) Aren't you guys coming? Daria - You mean outside? You do see the people, right? Jane - Daria. Daria - Okay, okay. Just drop us off at home first.

Nathan - Ah, leave 'em. Some people can't make the scene unless they clear it fi rst with the P.C. police. Tom - For a minute, during the ride there, I thought you were going to go for hi s throat. Daria - Believe me, I've been fighting back the urge to strangle him with Sammy Davis' pants. But Jane thinks he's swingin'. (sigh) I wish the P.C. police were here. I bet they'd give us a ride home. (Cut to the corridor of Lawndale High. Jane and Daria are walking to class. This time Jane is wearing a light blue retro outfit.) Jane - I had a great time the other night. Daria - Yeah, me too. Jane - Sorry we woke you guys up when we got back in the car. Daria - Hey, no problem. We got in a good three hours first. (They walk up to the principal's office, where Ms Li is sitting at a table with a roll of tickets and a cash box. Upchuck is next to the table, wearing a white on blue tuxedo, complete with carnation.) Upchuck - Come see a feat of legerdemain so dangerous that I've taken out an ins urance policy on my body, and my bodily fluids. This Saturday night, I will be h andcuffed, straight jacketed, and interred within an airtight, steel reinforced, military grade trunk. Then, it's either escape, or asphyxiate. Daria - Do we get to pick? Li - All proceeds-Upchuck - (Ahem) Li - Most proceeds to benefit the special expenditures fund for embedding microc hips in the gym equipment. Daria - Upchuck, bound and gagged. That does sound entertaining. (Jane takes a bill out of her pocket and puts it on the table.) Jane - I'll take four tickets. Li - (handing Jane the tickets) On behalf of pilfered basketballs everywhere, Ms . Lane, I'd like to say that's very school spirited of you. (Jane tears off two tickets and gives them to Daria.) Jane - You ask Tom, I'll ask Nathan. My treat. Daria - If that's the work for it. (Daria and Jane walk off as the four members of the Fashion Club walk by.) Upchuck - Behold! An approaching quartet of lovelies! It appears that my magic m ojo is working overtime! Hi...Stacy.

Stacy - Um, hi. (nervous laugh) Sandi - Did you just say 'hello' to Upchuck? Or was that a hiccup? Stacy - Must be all the diet soda I've been drinking. (Cut to the inside of the Lane house at the front door. The doorbell rings and T rent answers. Nathan is there, wearing a screaming yellow zoot suit.) Trent - Whoa, canary yellow! Nathan - Hi, I'm Nathan. Jane's escort for the evening. You must be Trent. It's great to finally meet you. (They shake hands.) Trent - Yeah. Same here. (Looks Nathan over) You, um, dress like that every day? Nathan - Sure. Do you? Trent - What? Nathan - Dress like that? I mean, the sixties are over. Trent - The forties were over first. Nathan - Maybe, but great style is timeless. Trent - That's exactly what I was going to say. Thanks. Nathan - No, thank you. (They shake hands again.) (Cut to Jane's room. There is a mirror up on the easel instead of a painting. Ja ne is wearing a blue dress and is looking at herself in the mirror.) Jane - It was so much easier when I had one outfit. (There is a knock at the door.) Jane - Yo. (Nathan walks in.) Nathan - Hey gorgeous. Jane - Hey. (kisses Nathan) Wow. You really do own a zoot suit. Nathan - Got to have something for special occasions. (Nathan walks over and sits on the bed, picks up the remote, and turns on the te levision) SSW Announcer - Trouble travels by trike! Under-age road rage, next on Sick Sad World. (Nathan turns off the TV.) Nathan - How could anyone watch that crap! The decline of modern civilization.

Jane - Exactly. Nathan - Ready to go? The Tiki Tavern is going to be packed tonight! Jane - I bought tickets to see Upchuck the Irritating, remember? You know, first the freaky, then the tiki. Nathan - Oh, come on! Magic is so old and corny! And the gang's expecting us in time for the floating ukulele review. Jane - I told Daria and Tom we'd be there. You know, my gang? Nathan - Sorry, it's just not my speed. Um, you know you're mixing forties shoes with a fifties dress, right? Jane - Okaaaay. (Cut to the auditorium. The house is packed and the stage is decorated with deco rated with stars and a large, all-seeing eye.) (Cut to Tiffany, Quinn, and Sandi sitting in the crowd.) Sandi - I think Stacy has confused being fashionably late with outright tardines s. Tiffany - She's been so weird lately. Quinn - She hardly didn't eat anything at lunch today. Did that make sense? Tiffany - I got it. (On stage, Me. Li walks out and takes the podium.) Li - Welcome one and all! I'd like to thank Mr. Ruttheimer for supporting a most worthy cause, and for giving me some pointers for adapting the intercom system for post hypnotic suggestions! (leans into mic and whispers) I will tithe my ear ning to Lawndale High, tithe my earnings to Lawndale High. (Straightens and resu mes normal tone) And now, Rutthemimer the Prestidigitator and his lovely assista nt, Stacy! (Upchuck and Stacy walk out. He is in his white and blue tux, while Stacy is wea ring sequined costume with a short skirt.) (Cut back to the rest of the FC as the crowd gasps.) Sandi - Emergency meeting immediately following show! Tiffany - Her costume! It's so sparkly! (On stage, Upchuck is in a straight jacket and steps into a large trunk as he ta lks.) Upchuck - Greetings, magic aficionados! (Stacy reaches down and brings up some large chains.) Upchuck - Please, be gentile, my sweet. I have a very delicate... everything! Stacy - (chaining up Upchuck) I hope I'm doing this right.

Upchuck - No complaints on this end. Rowrr! (to the crowd) As soon as I am fully bondaged, I will enter this steel, reinforced trunk, which the lovely Stacy wil l close and lock. From the outside! (Upchuck lays down in the trunk, and Stacy locks it with a padlock. Then she sta nds there for a moment.) Stacy - (whispers loudly) Oh no! What do I do next? (Upchuck's answer is muffled by the box. Stacy looks back out at the crowd and s miles nervously.) (Cut to the crowd where Tom and Daria are sitting.) Tom - Where do you think Jane and Nathan are? Daria - Maybe the roadster ran out of jive juice. (Cut to Jane's room, where she is trying on shoes for Nathan's approval.) Jane - Do these meet with your approval? Nathan - They're from the forties too. I just don't think you're ready to mix er a's yet. Jane - Look in the mirror! You're the one wearing a forties zoot suit to a sixti es tiki bar! Nathan - Damn! What was I thinking? Now I have to go home and change! (Cut back to the stage. Upchuck can be heard struggling in the trunk, and Stacy looks scared.) Li - What's taking so long? I rented the auditorium out, and the single scientol ogists will be here in less than an hour! Stacy - (breaking) He was supposed to signal me! Something's wrong! Li - Panic! Panic! I foresee a massive hike in insurance premiums! (DeMartino walks on with a crow bar.) DeMartino - Why do I always wind up bailing out the naive or incompetent when th eir ill-conceived plans go awry! (Barch walks out as DeMartino tries to pry the box open.) Barch - Just like a man to be there one minute and gone the next! Hiya! (Barch starts kicking the padlock, and Stacy is looking more and more freaked ou t.) (Cut back to Jane's room.) Jane - Get over yourself! You're taking this all way to seriously! Nathan - No, you're not taking it seriously enough! Jane - Nathan, it's a fad! It's just for fun, not something to go to war over!

Nathan - You're wrong! Retro will never die! It's not just about bowling shirts and cocktail shakers and dice shaped cuff-links! It's about pride and standards that set up apart from today's mindless, insipid mainstream! The trendies have c ome and gone! The true believers are left! Are you with us, or against us? Jane - Nathan, if you really liked me, it wouldn't matter if I was wearing fishn ets or sweatpants! Nathan - You own sweatpants?! Jane - Get out! Nathan - Dilitant! Jane - Poser! Nathan - ARGH! I was pre-khakis commercial, and don't you forget it! (Nathan storms out. Cut back to the auditorium, where Stacy is now standing out in the crowd next to where the rest of the FC is sitting. She has her hands over her face and appears to be crying her eyes out. Onstage, DeMartino and Barch ar e still trying to open the trunk.) DeMartino - Come on, you rigid, stubborn box of death! Yield, I say! Yield! Barch - No goodbye, not even a note, after I gave you the best years of my life! (Cut back to Stacy and the FC) Sandi - Stacy, it's just tragic how you so completely embarrassed yourself! Tiffany - Yeah. And freaked out! Quinn - And your mascara! It's not even waterproof! Oh, I can't look! Sandi - Good thing Upchuck's buried alive in there so you won't have to spend th e rest of your life seeking revenge for the way he's humiliated you in front of the whole school. (Stacy immediately stops crying and drops her hands.) Stacy - Oh, Sandi. You are so naive. Sandi - Huh? (Onstage, the trunk finally breaks open. DeMartino, Barch, and Li look inside.) DeMartino - Where is he?? Barch - Probably chatting up some floosey in a sleazy roadside tavern, complaini ng about how he and his wife haven't slept in the same bed since-DeMartino - (points) He's back there! (Cut to the back of the auditorium, where Upchuck is standing in the aisle.) Upchuck - Shazam! (Cut to Daria and Tom)

Tom - I've got to admit, I really thought he was in trouble. Daria - Optimist. Are those Sammy Davis' pants? (Cut to Upchuck, back on stage.) Upchuck - Let's hear it for my lovely and very talented assistant Stacy, and her Oscar worthy acting job! (Stacy waves to the crowd.) Upchuck - Your crocodile tears bring out the tiger in me! Rowrr! (They bow. Cut to the rest of the FC.) Tiffany - Maybe Stacy can teach me to cry. Quinn - It would be useful at home, and in a variety of social situations. (Sandi just looks mad.) (Cut to the outside entrance of the auditorium, where the crowd is leaving the s how. Daria and Tom walk out as Jane, back in her normal outfit, walks up.) Li - (o/s) Drive home safe! (whispers) Tithe your earnings! (normal) Welcome, Si ngle Scientologists! Jane - Did I miss anything? Daria - Nothing good. Upchuck survived. Tom - Where's Sir Swanky? Sorry, I mean-Jane - We broke up. Daria - (looking Jane over) No kidding. Tom - At least now I can admit I didn't like him. Jane - What if we get back together? Tom - Aw, crap! Jane - Relax, that's not going to happen. You knew he was a jerk, didn't you? Daria - I didn't feel it was my place to state that incredibly obvious fact. I m ean 'impose my subjective opinion.' Jane - I should have known when you didn't try to steal him from me. Tom & Daria - Hey! Jane - What'd I say? Maybe I did all that goofy stuff because I was a little too eager to be hanging out with a cool guy. Daria - No. You were right about fun being fun. I'm gonna try and remember that on the off chance that I allow myself to have some. Jane - I guess Nathan's stylish good looks blinded me to the profound jerkyness

underneath. Daria - You always did have a weakness for the cute ones. (Tom blushes.) (Cut to the outside of a store called Christy's Closet, the next day. Daria and Jane are waling out.) Jane - (counting money) Eighty, ninety, a hundred. Not bad, considering most of those clothes came from the attic. Daria - How do you feel about the beauty and elegance of a post war American piz za? Jane - I guess I'm buying, since I've got the hundred bucks. Daria - Ninety. Remember, you have to give ten to Ms. Li. Jane - That's right. Damn post hypnotic suggestion. (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Aunt Nauseam Episode #510 Written by Jacquelyn Reingold (Transcript created by Justin Smith) (opening theme song) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria and Quinn are sitting at the kitchen table, at their usual places, while Jake is at the island/stove in the kitchen, cooking. Daria is reading a newspape r, but she glances up at various times during the conversation.) Quinn - So, then Sandi said to Mr. O'Neill, (imitating Sandi) "Well, if you want to get technical, all writing is plagiarism because you're using words that alr eady exist," (normal) and he gave her an 'F' anyway. Daria - (looking down at her newspaper) Maybe she shouldn't have titled her stor y Sandi Griffin's Dracula. Jake - (as he moves to the table, carrying a large serving plate of food, which he sets on the table) No hardtack tonight, lads. We're going top-rail number one ! Daria - Gee, is it family babble time already? Jake - That's Civil War talk, Daria. Quinn - (looking down at plate) What is that? Jake - It's from my new Civil War cookbook. Daria - Civil War cookbook. So you're serving us amputated leg?

Quinn - Eew! Jake - No, it's corned pork and cabbage. Quinn - EEW! (Helen walks in from the living/family/TV room.) Helen - Good news, everyone. Daria - If it's about us lads goin' top-rail number one, that's yesterday's broa dsheet. Helen - We've finally settled the ATC Motors case after eight grueling months, a nd at last I'm going to get some time off to spend with my family. Daria - Dad, who's that woman in the business suit? Helen - I mean it this time. Eric's, um, exhausted, and he's taking twenty-eight days to, uh, recuperate. All that espresso he was drinking really wore him down . Jake - Espresso? Daria - To say nothing of those prescription amphetamine donuts. Helen - Daria! Quinn - So, he's in detox again? Helen - Quinn! Jake - Oh, right! Espresso... (Cordless phone rings. Helen walks over the answer it.) Helen - (to phone) Hellllooo? (beat) Oh, hello, Rita. Daria - Uh oh, call the sibling rivalry S.W.A.T. team. Helen - (to phone) What? Erin and Brian are getting divorced? Quinn - Uh! You mean I spend the whole day in that disgusting bridesmaid's dress for nothing? Daria - No, you had to pay for it. Remember? Helen - (to phone) Well, of course I'd love to handle it, but it's not really my area of expertise, and-(As Helen says this, Jake waves his hands at Helen to signal his desire for Hele n to not get involved in the divorce.) Helen - (to phone) Rita, there's no such thing as a simple divorce. (beep from p hone) Hang on, that's my call-waiting. (presses button on phone) Hello? Oh, mom. Hi... (beat) Well, I was just now talking to Rita about that. See, I just came off this back-breaking case... Jake - (whispers) You tell her!

(Helen begins to tear pieces from a paper napkin.) Helen - (to phone) Yes, I know this isn't easy for either of them, but an attorn ey who specializes in divorce could-(beat) Well, I wouldn't say I'm the best law yer in my firm. Eric's- (beat) Really? Well, of course I want Rita in the most c apable hands possible. Don't worry about a thing. Bye. (Helen presses a button on the phone.) Helen - (to phone) Rita? I'm in. Jake - (exasperated) Oh God, Helen, no! The way you and your sister fight, a man can only take so much. Helen (to phone) No, that was Jake. He says "hi." (Jake begins crying into his hands.) (at Lawndale High) (Quinn and Sandi walk down the hallway, lockers visible behind them.) Sandi - Well, if I can't say Sandi Griffin's Dracula, why does Brad Stoker get t o say Brad Stoker's Dracula? Quinn - Um, I think that's Bram Stoker. (Sandi and Quinn stop walking.) Sandi - I don't. Quinn - Perhaps not. But anyway, he gets to say it because he made the story up. Sandi - Huh. Quinn, Dracula is an internationally known, celebrity vampire. (moc king) "He made the story up." (Stacy walks into the frame.) Stacy - Guys, how do you like my new dress? You don't think the blue is too risq u do you? Quinn - Not at all, and it goes perfectly with your cell phone. Stacy - Really? You're not just saying that? Sandi - Quinn's right. For once, you have chosen a dress that's not a complete e mbarrassment to the rest of us. Stacy - Oh, thank you, Sandi! Sandi - Come on, let's get to the cafeteria before they run out of shredded lett uce. (The trio begin walking again. They move a few feet, then stop in surprise.) Stacy - Uh! (Seen changes to show Tiffany walking toward the trio. She is wearing the same d ress as Stacy.)

Sandi - Oh, no! Tiffany is wearing your dress. Now what are you going to do? (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria and Jake are watching Sick, Sad World on the television. View is from beh ind them and to the right.) Television - In this canine go-go bar, the specialty of the house is Hot Dog! La p dancing lap dogs next, on Sick, Sad World. (View changes to front of Daria and Jake. Daria is eating something, a plate of which is on the coffee table.) Jake - What do you think, Daria? Stonewall Jackson fed his men these Johnny cake s the night before the battle of Chancellorsville. Daria - Well, that explains why they shot him there. (Helen walks into scene from kitchen. She is speaking on the cordless phone.) Helen - (to phone) Alright, Rita, I've gathered the necessary paperwork, and we can go over it when you and Erin get here Saturday. (Scene changes to a split screen, with Helen on the left and Rita on the right.) Rita - (to phone) Actually, it will just be Erin. I'd come, but I promised Ralph - you know, the actor I've been dating- I promised to take him to New York for h is birthday, maybe catch a play or two. Helen - (to phone) Uh-huh. Rite - (to phone) But I'll call you when I get back. Good luck. (Split screen returns to the Morgendorffer residence. Helen presses a button on the phone to end the call.) Helen - Well, that's just perfect. Rita's not even coming. Jake - Hey, that's great! Helen - No, it's not! She's spending the money I'm saving her on a trip for her boyfriend to New York! (The doorbell rings in the middle of Helen's rant. Daria gets up to answer it.) Jake - (to Helen, whimpering) Johnny cake? (Scene changes to show Daria. She opens the front door to show Tom Sloane.) Daria - Hey. Tom - You know, I can't get through on the phone at all anymore. Isn't your sist er afraid her ear will grow over the receiver? Daria - Actually, my mother's the one burning up the lines. My idiot cousin is s uing her husband for a divorce, and mom got roped into handling it. Tom - Ouch. Want to drive around the block and give me the gory details?

Daria - No, I've already put a bitching session with Jane on my calendar for tom orrow. Tom - Okay, so, just want to drive around the block with no discernable goal? Daria - It's probably not a good time for that. Thanks though. Tom - No thanks nece- (Daria closes the door on Tom) -ssary. (at Lawndale High) (Daria and Jane are walking down the hall, lockers visible behind them.) Daria - So my mother gets caught up in this crap with her family, and then our f amily has to suffer for it. Jane - And you're not even looking forward to having a ringside seat at your cou sin's gut wrenching breakup? Daria - I know. It's like I've forgotten how to have fun. (Daria and Jane pass the Fashion Club, who are standing before a bank of lockers . The camera remains on the Fashion Club as Daria and Jane walk off the screen.) Sandi - Alright. Stacy? Tiffany? You may each deliver your prepared statement ab out why you should have the dress. Quinn - A debate was such a great idea, Sandi. Sandi - Followed by a rebuttal. Tiffany - Eew. That word. Sandi - Stacy? Stacy - (reading from a cue card) Well, I think I should have the dress because Tiffany looks good in anything, whereas I don't, due to a slight asymmetry in my shoulders that is very painful for me even to mention, but which this particula r dress minimizes while setting off my eyes. Sandi - Very good, Stacy. And now, Tiffany. Tiffany - (reading from a cue card) Well, I think I should have the dress. (long pause) Sandi - Um, Tiffany, is there anything you want to add? (shorter pause) Tiffany - (looks down at cue card again) Yes. Thank you, (looks up) and God bles s. Sandi - (to Quinn) Perhaps a debate is not the way to go here. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria and Quinn are seated on the love seat and sofa, respectively. Daria is re ading a book while Quinn reads a magazine.)

Quinn - Hmm, should I give Erin an "after you dump him" make-over, or a "newly s ingle and sizzling" make-over? Daria - That depends. Which one involves boiling oil? (Helen walks into the scene from the direction of the kitchen. She is carrying a bowl that she sets on the coffee table.) Helen - Now, while Erin's here, I want you both to make her feel right at home. She's family and she needs our love and understanding. I could kill that sister of mine! (Jake walks into the scene from the direction of the kitchen. He is carrying a g lass pitcher in which is a clear fluid.) Jake - Bring on the guest! One fresh pitcher of Martinis ready to pour. Helen - Jake, Erin doesn't drink Martinis. Jake - I know that. They're for me, just in case Rita calls. (Doorbell rings) Helen - That must be Erin. (Helen walks to the front door, then opens it to reveal Rita.) Helen - Rita! (Jake begins chugging the Martini mix straight from the pitcher.) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Helen, Jake and Rita walk into living room from the front door. Daria and Quinn continue to sit in their original positions, but both look at their parents as they cross the room.) Helen - Rita, why aren't you in New York? Rita - Ralph broke up with me. Oh, if only mom had sent me to Stadt along with E rin. Helen - Erin's in Stadt? Switzerland? Rita - Mom thought she could use a week at a spa, to calm her nerves. Wasn't tha t thoughtful? Helen - That's mom: always thinking of her grandchildren. (under her breath) One of them, anyway. (to Rita) Um, Rita, you know it would be really helpful if Eri n were here. It is her divorce, after all. Rita - We call always call her if we have to. (beat) Um, Helen? I kind of arrang ed to have my house painted while I thought I'd be in New York. I hope you don't mind if I stay here with you this week? Jake - Dear lord! (at Helen's glare) What a great idea! (in the kitchen, Quinn is speaking on the cordless phone.) Quinn - Oh, hi, Erin. Sorry about Brian. I hate having to break up with guys I'm

dating. (beat) No, you're right, marriage isn't the same as dating; nobody ever gives you really nice appliances just for going out with a guy. (beat) Erin, wh y are you crying? (Jake and Helen are seated on the sofa while Rita and Daria are seated on the lo ve seat. Helen is rummaging through her briefcase, which is open on the coffee t able.) Helen - First of all, Brian and Erin need to list all their assets. Rita - That should be a breeze for him. You know the government fired him the da y they got back from their honeymoon? They've been living off her salary while t hat clown tries to pass his real estate exam. Helen - Well good. Then he has no real claim on her property. (Quinn walks into the scene from the direction of the kitchen, cordless phone to her ear.) Quinn - Aunt Rita? Um, Erin want you to know that she and Brian kind of signed a prenuptial agreement that she kind of never told you about that kind of split e verything fifty-fifty. (beat) She's gotta' go. Bye. Rita - What?! Let me talk to her. (takes phone from Quinn, but hears only the di al tone) Damn! Jake - Say, um, Daria, could you, um, help me in the, um, kitchen, with the, uh. .. Daria - Johnny cakes? Jake - Yeah, the Johnny cakes! Daria - Smooth, Mr. Bond. Lead the way. (Daria and Jake exit to the kitchen. Camera remains on Helen, Rita and Quinn.) Rita - That little weasel made her sign a prenup. He knew she was gonna' be the bread winner. We've gotta' fight this, Helen, all the way to the Supreme Court i f we have to. Helen - Rita, the Supreme Court doesn't handle divorces. They're swamped with sh oplifting cases. Now, there's a junior associate in my office with a ton of expe rience in matrimonial law. I'll be happy toRita - You'd put Erin's life in the hands of a junior associate? Helen - Rita. You said this was a simple divorce, and it's not. I'm really not q ualified to handle something this complicated! Rita - Oh, I see. You're willing to help provided it doesn't take more than ten minutes of your time. Well I'm sure mom and I can figure out some way to hire a lawyer who can. Helen - Alright! I'll do it. (Quinn walks from the living room to the kitchen. Camera changes view to the kit chen. Daria and Jake are already present.) Jake - I can't take it, Daria! The fighting, the yelling, and then always the cr

ying. Daria - Yours, you mean. Jake - I've gotta' get out, at least until the dust settles. Daria - Or the bodies stop twitching. Jake - Now we're gonna' need a signal. Okay, when I call, if Rita is still here say, uh, "the eagle has landed," and if they're fighting say, "the crow flies at midnight," but if she'd gone then, "the pigeons are at rest." Got that? Daria - Is there anyway to work in "hark, I hear the cannon's roar?" Jake - Good luck! (Jake walks out of the scene) Hi, Quinn. Bye now. Quinn - (to Daria) Dad's leaving? Daria - Only until mom and Aunt Rita stop being sisters. Quinn - Hmm, maybe after my Fashion Club meeting we should just stay around the house until Aunt Rita leaves. You know, to be like peacekeepers? I'll cancel my dates. You don't have any plans tonight, right? Daria - Well, I was gonna' go downtown and count the cracks in the sidewalk. Quinn - Oh, Daria, surely that can wait? Can I make you a carrot juice? (Daria scowls at Quinn.) (at Cashman's Department Store) (The Fashion Club is walking past various departments in the store: watches, lin gerie, and dressing rooms.) Stacy - But, Sandi, what if I agreed to wear my dress only on odd numbered days, and Tiffany agreed to wear hers only on even numbered ones? Tiffany - Stacy, days have names, not numbers. Quinn - Alternating sounds like a good idea. Sandi - Oh, sure! Until our enemies spread the rumor that Stacy and Tiffany are trading off a single garment, the only possible scenario more horrifying than ow ning two of the same dress. Stacy - Oh, God! Oh, GOD! (The Fashion Club entered Junior 5 and approach one of the counters.) Sandi - I'm sorry, Terresa, but we must return these dresses. Here are the recei pts. Terresa - Oh no. Um, guys, you bought these dresses over two weeks ago. It's too late to return them. Sandi - Surely those silly rules don't apply to your most valued customers. Terresa - I'm really sorry. I can give you some free shopping bags if you want.

Tiffany - (to Stacy) I can't believe you bought my dress. Stacy - Excuse me, you bought my dress. Quinn - Guys! Guys! Stop the madness. Is a dress really worth destroying the sac red bond between Fashion Club member and Fashion Club member? Stop your fighting before it's too late! Sandi - Quinn, are you all right? (at the movie theater) (Jake is watching a cheesy sci-fi movie in an indoor theatre. Children are scatt ered about the theatre, but no other adults are present. The heroes of the film, a man and a woman in space suits, are attacking a huge, bug-like alien on a dis tant world. They kill the alien, then embrace each other for a kiss. The childre n yell "eew!" and throw things at the screen.) Jake - Knock it off, you little brats! (The children begin jeering and throwing things at Jake. Jake ducks them, then e xits the theatre to the lobby. He takes out his cell phone and dials a number.) Jake - Who is this? Rita? (high pitched voice) Must have the wrong number! (Jake switches off the cell phone.) Jake - Damn it! (Jake sighs in resignation, turns, then re-enters the theatre. For those who car e, the movie marquee over the doors says "Star Planet Warriors".) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Helen and Rita are sitting at the kitchen table. Helen is in her usual place, w hile Rita is sitting in Quinn's seat. Helen has a stack of papers in front of he r and a sheaf of papers in hand.) Helen - Now, prenup or no prenup, with a little creative accounting, I think we can get Brian to take a fairly modest lump sum. Rita - God, I hope so. He's certainly old enough to be earning his own money. Helen - (to herself) Tell me about it. Rita - What's that supposed to mean? (Phone rings off screen. Camera view changes to the living room, with Quinn sitt ing on the sofa. The phone is next to her. She answers the phone.) Quinn - Oh, hi, Erin. (beat) Uh-huh (beat) WHAT?! That's great! Bye! (Daria walks into the scene from the direction of the front door.) Quinn - Guess what? The divorce is off. Daria - But we were having so much fun. Quinn - Come on. Let's tell mom and Aunt Rita.

(The camera view changes back to the kitchen. Helen and Rita are still sitting a t the table.) Helen - (to Rita) Just admit that employment has never been one of your strong s uits. (Quinn and Daria walk into the scene from the direction of the living room.) Quinn - Mom! Aunt Rita! Rita - (to Helen) Excuse me, but I have more important things to do, like raise Erin. Helen - (to Rita) Erin's twenty-four, Rita. Quinn - Listen! Brian flew to Switzerland to make up, and they're having a secon d honeymoon. Helen - On mother's credit card, no doubt. You know, Jake and I barely had a fir st honeymoon, because we had to pay for our own wedding. Rita - And that's supposed to be my fault? Helen - Well, if you hadn't gone over-budget on your wedding, six months before. Your first wedding... (The doorbell rings. Daria walks out of the kitchen to answer it. Camera switche s to the front door, as seen from the living room. Daria opens the door. Tom is there.) Tom - Hey, how's it going? Helen - (off screen) Four thousand dollars for a lighted dance floor! Rita - (off screen) Helen, disco was king! Daria - Oh, just fine. Helen - (off screen) Mom broke every rule of parenting, the way she favored you! Rita - (off screen) It's just like you to declare the rules for everyone else! (Quinn runs into the living room from the kitchen, then up the stairs.) Quinn - (as she runs) Oh, when will it stop? When?! WHEN?! Daria - Care to step away from the crossfire? (Camera view changes to outside the house, looking at the front door. Daria exit s the house, closing the door behind her.) Tom - What the hell is going on in there? Daria - Look, it's bad enough I have to listen to it all day. I don't want to ha ve to talk about it, too. Tom - Um, sorry. (beat) So... (Long pause)

Daria - I better go. Mom might need an eyewitness. Or someone to hand her the mu rder weapon. Tom - Daria...? Daria - (annoyed) WHAT?! Tom - (contrite) Nothing. (Daria re-enters the house. Camera view changes to inside living room. Daria wal ks from the front door to the sofa where the cordless phone is ringing. Daria an swers the phone.) Daria - Hello? (Camera changes to the inside of a billiard hall. Jake is talking on his cellula r phone.) Jake - Daria? Thank God it's you! So, um, has the eagle landed? Or is it the cro w? (Camera changes to Morgendorffer living room. As Daria begins to answer Jake, He len walks into the scene from the direction of the kitchen.) Daria - Aunt Rita's still here, andHelen - (angrily) Daria, is that your father? Jake - (voice from phone) No, no, no, no! Daria - A large pizza with extra cheese. Got it. Thanks for calling Pizza Prince . (Camera view changes to the billiard hall. As Jake hangs up the cell phone, a gu y with one arm, holding a pool cue, walks up to Jake.) Guy - (to Jake) You're up. Jake - (sighs, moans) Awww... (Camera view changes to living room.) Helen - Where is your father anyway? Daria - Johnny Cake Fest 3000. Helen - Great! Now Jake's run off. (Rita walks into the scene from the direction of the kitchen. Camera shift to th e left to accommodate Rita. Daria can be seen walking up the stairs in the backg round.) Rita - (bitterly) Did you ever think he might stick around more if you weren't s o preoccupied with work? Helen - (very angry) Excuse me? The only work I've been doing around here is for you, damn it! (Camera view changes to Daria's bedroom. Daria still has the cordless phone. She dials a number. Camera view changes again to Aunt Amy's living room. Amy is sit

ting on a sofa, reading a book, when the phone rings. She answers it.) Amy - Hello? (Camera view changes to Daria's bedroom.) Daria - Hi, Aunt Amy. (at the Morgendorffer house) (In the guest bedroom; Rita is packing clothes into a suitcase on the bed. Helen walks into the room from the hall.) Helen - (calm) Rita, we need to talk. Rita - (bitter) Relax. I'm going home to the paint fumes. And don't worry. Erin and I will never bother you again. Helen - Look, I think we both said things we shouldn't have, but for once, let's not go away angry. Okay? Rita - I don't know, Helen. Helen - I've got an idea. Let's bury the hatchet and, um, bake some cookies. Wha t do you say? Rita - (calm) Cookies? From scratch? Helen - More or less. (In the kitchen; Helen pulls two packages of ready-to-bake cookie dough from the refrigerator.) Helen - Chocolate chip or peanut butter? Rita - The chips are already in it, right? Helen - Of course! I think... (Camera view is of the front door. The door bell rings. Quinn answers the door t o reveal Aunt Amy.) Quinn - Aunt Amy? Amy - Daria called for reinforcements. Have your mother and Rita killed each oth er yet? Quinn - Actually, they're in the kitchen making cookies. Amy - No, really? (Camera view changes to track Quinn and Amy as they walk to the kitchen.) Helen - (off screen, angry) You're cutting those slices too thick. Rita - (off screen, angry) The package says half an inch. That is half and inch. Helen - (off screen) Okay. I just hope you like your cookies undercooked. (Camera finally shows Helen and Rita in the kitchen. Quinn and Amy stop before e

ntering the kitchen. Neither Helen nor Rita sees Quinn and Amy.) Rita - Here. You cut it. I'm sure you can do a much better job that little ol' u seless me. Helen - Oh, please. You weren't even trying. You know, if you ever put your mind to anything... Quinn - (to Amy) Why can't they just get along? Amy - (to Quinn) Environmental factors: they were both exposed to each other as children. (In Daria's bedroom; Daria is sitting on her bed and reading a book. There's a k nock on her door.) Daria - Come in. (Amy and Quinn walk into the scene.) Amy - The cavalry has arrived. Quinn - Oh, speaking of soldier junk, Daria, Gone with the Wind is on tonight. W e should watch it. It has that Civil War that you and dad are always talking abo ut, plus this really big fire. Daria - Frankly, Quinn, I don't give a crap. Quinn - You don't have to decide right now. Oh, and did I tell you your hair doe sn't look that bad today? Bye. (Quinn leaves the room.) Daria - I know she wants something. Amy - So, update? Daria - Okay. Mom and Aunt Rita are on the brink of mutually assured destruction , Quinn's obviously having a nervous breakdown, and dad's on the lamb. Amy - Gee. Reminds me of my childhood. You holding up okay? Daria - Well, much as I couldn't care less about Erin, I can't say my twenty-fou r year old cousin's near divorce has left me exactly optimistic about life's pos sibilities. Amy - So, things are not going well with that guy you've been seeing? Daria - Huh? That's going fine, except he won't stop dropping by during this mul tigenerational family crisis. He refuses to accept the fact that I don't have ti me for him now. Amy - Hmm... Maybe he's trying to offer his time to you. Daria - Huh, maybe. Amy - Come on. Let's see how goes the battle. (The camera is positioned in the living room, looking into the kitchen. Helen an d Rita are standing at the entrance to the kitchen.)

Rita - Even if I did have a job, I'm sure it couldn't possibly meet with your ap proval. Helen - I guess we'll never find that out, will we? (Amy and Daria walk into the scene from the direction of the stairs.) Amy - Ah, another Kodak moment with the Barksdales. Helen - Amy! What are you doing here? Amy - Oh, I thought I'd drive a few hours, drop by, and see if you guys were hav ing the same fight you've been having for forty years. Rita - How would you know? You spent the whole time barricaded in your room, rea ding those weird Russian novels. Amy - (heated) It was better than getting caught in the non-stop crossfire. Helen - Oh, please. You just used us as an excuse to avoid any family responsibi lity what-so-ever, so you could do whatever the hell you pleased. Amy - At least I didn't nurse a childhood grudge well into adulthood because Rit a was mom's favorite. Helen - I did not! Rita - I was not! Helen - (to Rita) You are too. Amy - (to Rita) She's right. Helen - (to Amy) I don't need your help. Rita - Maybe mom would get along better with both of you if you ever bothered to pick up the phone and call. (Quinn walks into the scene from the direction of the stairs.) Quinn - Um, mom? Amy - Why should we when she's never offered us the slightest bit of encourageme nt or appreciation? Helen - That's right! Amy - (to Helen) I don't need your help. Rita - Encouragement? You, with your grades, and your extra credit, and your awa rds? You didn't make us look lazy enough, you wanted encouragement to do more? (Amy laughs.) Helen - (to Amy) What are you laughing at? Amy - (to Helen) She's got a point. Rita - (to Helen) She can laugh if she wants to.

Helen - Oh, so you think that... (Conversation between the three women breaks down into them trying to talk over each other.) Daria - HEY! (Conversation stops. All three Barksdale sisters look over and Daria and Quinn.) Daria - Gee, Rita, are you ever gonna' get a job? Why should I, Helen, when you won't pay attention to mother? And you, Amy, who asked you? Quinn - Yeah! You had a dance floor at your wedding! Daria - You're a show-off and a know-it-all. Quinn - You just hide in your room like a kermit! Daria - Mom likes you better! Quinn - That's because I call her better! Helen - Oh, Rita... Rita - Helen... Helen - I'm sorry. Rita - Me too. Oh... (Helen and Rita hug and laugh. Or cry. I'm not sure which. They separate.) Helen - Why are you here, Amy? Amy - Daria asked me to come mediate. Although, perhaps that's something she's b etter at than I am. Helen - Oh, Amy... Rita - Come here... (Helen and Rita gesture for Amy for a three-way hug.) Amy - (to Daria) I blame you for this. (Amy hugs her sisters.) Quinn - (to Daria) Did you decide about Gone with the Wind? (at the pizza place) (Daria and Tom are sitting in a booth, eating a pizza.) Daria - So, then, after Aunt Amy arrived to save the day and within three minute s had totally regressed into the same pre-school encounter group as her sisters, Quinn and I had to take matters into our own hands. Tom - Wow. Growing up in a repressed household is so boring next to this stuff. We always have to pretend problems don't exist. Gets pretty inconvenient when th

ere are odors involved. Daria - Yes. And speaking of pretending problems don't exist, sorry for giving y ou the short end of the stick this week. Tom - Hey, you were busy refereeing. I understand. Daria - Actually, I think my cousin's little marital crisis made me feel weird a bout the boyfriend-girlfriend thing. Does that freak you out and scare you? Tom - No, I guess I could see that. Daria - Thanks. Tom - Anyway, what about a movie tonight? Daria - I can't. I promised Quinn I'd watch Gone with the Wind with her. (Tom laughs, then trails off when Daria doesn't laugh with him. He realizes she isn't joking.) Tom - Okay, that freaks me out and scares me. Daria - Pray for me. (Camera view changes to another booth in the Pizza Prince where the Fashion Club are seated. Stacy and Tiffany are on one side, while Sandi and Quinn are on the other. Stacy and Tiffany are still wearing the same dress.) Sandi - As President of the Fashion Club, I am putting both of you on suspension for failing to do a wardrobe check before leaving home, and thus appearing in t he same dress on the same day. Stacy - But, Sandi, you can't suspend me. It's not fair! (At the end of her sentence, Stacy swings her left arm out for emphasis, which k nocks over a soda, spilling onto Tiffany's dress. Stacy inhales sharply in shock that she spilled soda on Tiffany.) Tiffany - My dress. It's ruined. Stacy - Oh, Tiffany, I am so sorry. It was an accident. Sandi - (sarcastic) Sure it was, Stacy. She'll never get that grape soda out. Th is calls for severe disciplinary action. Stacy - But I didn't mean to. I swear! (to Tiffany) I'll give you my dress to pr ove it. Tiffany - You'd do that? For me? Stacy - Of course. You're my friend. Tiffany - Oh, Stacy... (Stacy and Tiffany hug. When they separate, we see the soda on Tiffany's dress h as stained Stacy's dress where they touched.) Tiffany - Oh, that wasn't a good idea.

(at the Morgendorffer house) (Gone with the Wind just finished playing on the television. Daria and Quinn are seated on the sofa. Quinn is crying.) Quinn - That movie was so sad. Daria - I know it made me feel like crying. Um, Quinn? There's something botheri ng you, other than the saga of our fair nation being torn apart, isn't there? Quinn - (pensive, glancing at Daria but not facing her) No. Daria - I only ask because I finally realized all that stuff going on here this week was making me act strangely toward Tom. So maybe you were having a similar, unanticipated reaction? Such as, oh, wanting to spend time with me? (The cordless phone, which is sitting by Daria on the sofa, rings. Daria answers it.) Daria - Hello? (beat) Oh, hi, dad. The pigeons are at rest. (Daria end the call.) Quinn - (faces Daria) Daria? You don't think we'll end up having the same fight over and over again, for the rest of our lives, the way mom and Aunt Rita do, do you? Daria - No. We'll use weapons. Quinn - Don't say that! Daria - I'll make you a deal. The only weapon I'll use against you will be my wi nning personality, and the only weapon you'll use against me will be your mercil ess silent treatment. Quinn - Silent treatment? I never- ha. Deal. (In the garage, Jake is seated on the sleeping bag, a pillow behind him, with bo xes and other junk scattered around the room. A lamp is on next to him.) Jake - (to himself) "The pigeons are at rest." That means it's safe, doesn't it? No, "the eagle has landed" means it's safe. Or was that a condor? Damn it, I ca n't sleep in here again tonight! (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Prize Fighters Episode #511 Written by Neena Beber (Transcript created by Richard Lobinske) (opening theme song) Daria - (looking at potato on plate) This looks well balanced. (Cut to Morgendorffers at table. Jake is standing, stirring something in a servi

ng bowl) Quinn - Eww. This is like that movie, Angela's Ashtray. Helen - Jake. Did you forget to buy lasagna? Jake - We are through paying through the nose for second-rate frozen food. Daria - That's a relief, the coins were making my nostrils bleed. Jake - Thanks to Basement Bob's Bulk-Rate Steak and Sausage dot com, tonight, we luxuriate in the majesty of near-wholesale prime rib. Quinn - (shocked) What? If the Fashion Club finds out I'm eating bulk-rate. Daria - Or eating at all. Jake - Dammit! We've got four mouths to feed. Food costs money. Daria - I knew it. Quinn - But Daria will be away at college soon, and then there will only be thre e mouths to feed. Daria - Yes. I'm sure the sudden windfall will more than make up for tuition, ro om and board. Jake - Tuition? (holds head) Oh, God. Quinn - Daria, I know. Why don't you get one of those scholarship thingies? Helen - Why Quinn. That's an excellent idea. Daria - Yeah. If only they didn't give them to people with well-rounded, balance d interests. You know, somebody else. (Doorbell rings) Jake - (points) That must be the prime rib! (runs to door) Daria - I'd just assumed it would be dead. And here it is, ringing the doorbell. Helen - You know, Daria. There are scholarships exclusively for academic achieve ment. Winning one of those could make up for your lack of extracurriculars come college admissions time. It wouldn't hurt to look into it. Right? (Jake walks up with large wood crate) Jake - (grunts as he sets crate on floor next to table.) All right! (opens crate and tosses lid to side) Feast your eyes on this! (digs into ice and pulls out t wo handfuls of hot dogs, notices and frowns) Huh? Quinn - Eww. They look like hot dogs. Daria - Many hot dogs. Jake - Hey! That's not what I ordered. Helen - Jake.

(Jake throws hot dogs and runs to door, yelling) Jake - Hey! Meat guy! Come back here! (View of television screen. Police officer in foreground, background has seated suspect under spotlight and a mime in front of him) SSW Announcer - Criminals, beware. This detective won't talk, but you will! Mime and punishment, next on Sick, Sad World. (Daria seated on sofa, feet propped on coffee table. Helen approaches and sits n ext to her) Daria - I don't like where this is going. Helen - I haven't said anything yet. Daria - So there's still time to flee? Helen - Look, Daria. The more I think about applying for an academic scholarship , the more I like it. There's almost nothing on your high school record to show you're motivated and involved. Daria - Could that be, because I'm not? Helen - Daria. Are you telling me you don't plan on going to college? Daria - Of course I do. Helen - Then, are you telling me you don't want your choice of schools? (Daria looks away, silent) Helen - Then promise me you will at least look into some kind of prize or schola rship. Okay? Not for me, not for your father, for you. Daria - (sighs) All right. (outside shot of Morgendorffer home, cut to Daria seated in front of computer, J ane sitting on Daria's bed, sketching.) Daria - Damn. These scholarship foundations all want you to be an expert in some thing: concert violinist, nationally-ranked gymnast, published author. Jane - God, Daria. What have been doing all this time? Acting like a teen-ager? Daria - Hey, here's one for you. Have you ever had anything shown in a museum? R egional's okay. Jane - Yeah, like I'm going to fill out a five-pound application and kiss the bu tts of some review board just for a few thousand bucks to go to a school I'll pr obably hate anyway. (eyes widen and she looks up) Um...not that you shouldn't do it. Daria - Hmm. Here's something. The Wizard Foundation will award a ten-thousand d ollar prize who best embodies the Wizard pursuit of excellence. You've got to ad mire their vagueness. Jane - The pursuit of excellence. So, you don't actually have to catch it?

Daria - Great. There's an essay: How would you change the world if you could? I knew I should have taped the Miss America Pageant. Jane - Well, if you need any illustrations for your essay, I'm pretty good at pa inting mushroom clouds. (Daria at locker and Jodie walks up) Jodie - Hey, Daria. I know I'm crazy to ask, but one of the paper's editors quit . Could you use another extracurricular activity for your transcript? Daria - Technically, no. Since another implies I have any to begin with. Jodie- What are you going to do about your college applications? Daria - Gee, how refreshing. A lecture from a fellow student just like the ones from my mother. Thanks to her, I spent the whole night on the web, looking into scholarships. Jodie - Really? Find anything? Daria - The closest I came was the Wizard Foundation Prize. Jodie - The software company? Daria - Just to apply, they make you fill out a form, and write an essay. Jodie - Um, Daria. That's pretty much par for the course. Daria - Darn. I guess that means there's no such thing as a free ten thousand do llars. Jodie - Hmm. Well, good luck. Daria - If I actually follow through. But, I'm hoping to come to my senses befor e that happens. (Daria walks away) (Daria and Jane sitting at Morgendorffer kitchen table. Daria reading from page. Jane nibbles on hot dog slices on toothpicks) Daria - In sum, my world would be made fairer by the simple step of eliminating all money. Politicians could serve the people they represent, instead of the one s paying for their attack ads. CEO's could stop fouling the planet and cheating their workers just to keep their stock prices pumped. And, of course, promising young students such as myself, could actually study, instead of spending their t ime groveling in scholarship essays. Jane - Wow. You're really going to send that in? Daria - Why wouldn't I? Jane - The whole point of these scholarships is to show how marvelously well-adj usted you are. You're coming across all observant and honest. You know, anti-soc ial. Daria - Look, this is how I write. I wouldn't want to get the prize based on som e phony essay and phony personality. (Jane leans foreword, looking around)

Daria - What are you looking for? Jane - The umbilical cord. Since you were obviously born yesterday. (Helen walks in) Helen - Daria, did I hear you reading your scholarship essay? Daria - Judging by how calm you are, I'd say no, you didn't. Helen - Daria. (Jake walks in with cookbook) Jake - You girls ready for some more hot dog slices? Jane - Um, thanks Mr. Morgendorffer, but I think I'm exactly as woozy as I want to be. Jake - Hey, honey! How does hot dog jalapeno hotties sound for tonight? Daria - Kind of like the sound of four people racing to beat each other to the b athroom. Helen - Jake! (Points OS) Send those hot dogs back! Jake - (dejected) I can't. I broke the seal. Helen - But they made the mistake! Jake - Well, uh, if you want to get technical about it, I made the mistake. I ki nd-of typed in the wrong product number. (rants) Damn fuzzy computer screen! Jane - Yes, you can eat over. (Outside shot of Morgendorffer house, cut to Helen holding sealed envelope up to light. Daria walks up behind) Daria - Is this what you in the legal profession refer to as discovery? Helen - Um, this is for you. It's from the Wizard Foundation. I didn't realize y ou'd already sent in the application. Daria - You weren't meant to. (opens and reads letter) Oh, great. Now I have to be interviewed by these people. Helen - (happy) Oh, Daria! You got an interview? Daria - Yeah, me and ninety-nine other finalists. Talk about feeling special. Helen - But, you should feel special. You're a finalist! You're on your way. Bes ides, even making it this far will impress a college admissions board. It means the Wizard Foundation's recognized what a unique individual you are. Daria - (looks at envelope) Huh. Why does this say occupant? (Jodie at locker, Daria walks up) Jodie - Hey, Daria. What's up?

Daria - Actually, you know that Wizard I told you about? I made the finals Jodie - That's great. So did I. Daria - You applied? Jodie - Yeah. Thanks for letting me know about it. Daria - Letting you now about it? Upchuck - Colleagues, confreres, amigos de scholasticos. Daria - Gee, trilingual obnoxiousness. Upchuck - I see from this list I downloaded that we've all been deemed worthy of the title, Wizard Foundation Finalist, and I for one, am basking in the glow of you two lovely ladies. Not to mention, my own luminescence. Rrroww. Daria - How many people did you tell about this scholarship? Jodie - Are you kidding? The fewer people who know about this, the better. I mea n, I'm kind of surprised you applied, what with the way you were talking. Daria - Hmm. Surprise, surprise. Jodie - Yeah. No hard feelings, right? Daria - Why would you have any? (Jodie frowns) (Jake, Daria and Helen in kitchen) Jake - Fried wieners are a fun and proteinaceous party food? Helen - Daria, what are you doing to prepare for the Wizard interview? Daria - Nothing. With America's studious sweetheart, Jodie Landon in the competi tion, I don't stand a chance. Helen - Jodie applied, too? Daria - After she heard about it from me. Helen - Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, you might as well get used to it. Daria - Gee, I don't think I can get any more used to eating dogs than I am righ t now. (Jake gets up and leaves) Helen - I mean there's nothing wrong with competition, as long as you rise to th e occasion. Even if you need a little outside help. Daria - Okay, that was shoe number one. Helen - I just happened to hear about a coach who could help you prepare for the interview. (removed pamphlet from pocket) Daria - What a mad coincidence.

Helen - A couple sessions with Dr. Danada and you're a guaranteed master of spec ial interviewing techniques and strategies. Daria - Isn't having someone tell you how to act and what to say cheating? Helen - He's just teaching you what you'd have learned from experience anyway. Daria - You mean; that a scholarship supposedly based on merit can be bought? (Helen frowns) (Daria walking in hallway of Lawndale High. Upchuck runs past and slows to a wal k in front of her) Upchuck - Feisty...lady! Daria - No, I won't show you my belly button. Upchuck - Hmm. But, perhaps you can enlighten me on some of the special effects you're planning for your Wizard interview. Accompanying visuals, charts, graphs, dancing animals? Daria - Sorry, it's just going to be me, and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Upchuck - You know, since we are in the competition together. Daria - Actually, we're in it separately. Upchuck - Technically. But, we can still help one another. Say, swap essays to g ain a broader perspective on what they like? Daria - Not interested, thanks. Drive home safe. Upchuck (hands over heart as if stricken) - Oh, tart-tongued temptress. If you h elp me, I might afford you an opportunity to invest in my dot-com company. Daria - You've started a dot-com? Upchuck - A modest exotic candies venture, not unlike the small business that Wi zard's illustrious CEO, Mark Straum started in his high school days. (pulls a ba g from front pocket) Care for a wasabi gummy-fish imported from Tokyo? It's just the kind that Mr. Straum happens to enjoy. Daria - How do you know? Upchuck - Extensive research into his likes and dislikes, and the order he's alr eady placed on my site. (Daria and Jane seated at cafeteria table) Daria - So, it looks like you were right. Between Super Jodie and WWW-Upchuck, t here's no way I'm going to win that scholarship without some kind of highly unch aracteristic butt-kissing. Jane - Oh, I' sure you'll find a characteristic way to do it. Daria - What does that mean? Jane - Nothing. (points at slice of cake) You gonna eat that?

Daria - Don't you think I'm in a lousy position? Jane - (slides cake over) Sure, sure. I just can't get worked up about it, that' s all. (Jodie walks up and sits beside Daria) Jodie - Hey, guys. Mind if I join you? Daria - The more, the merrier. That's your motto, isn't it? Jodie - Look, I didn't do anything wrong. That scholarship is open to everyone, and you said you didn't even think you were going to apply. Can't we just hope t hat one of us gets a break? Daria - Gee, which one of us do you hope gets a break? Jodie - Let's level the playing field. My dad found a coach who preps people for interviews, and I wanted you to know about. Here's his card. Daria - Dr. Danada. Of course. I already knew about him, but um...thanks. Jane - Oh, a coach. That sounds fair to everybody else. Daria - Is something bugging you? Jane - Not a bit. After school, I think I'll go home, surf the web, see if there are any scholarships for underachievers. At least I'll know I'm not competing w ith anyone who was coached. Jodie - She almost sounds like you. Daria - Does that mean I've been sounding like you? Brittany (walking behind them with tray) - Hi! Daria - If any of us starts to sound like her, it's time to panic. (Inside Morgendorffer front door. Doorbell rings and Jake answers, holding a tra y of hot dog pieces on toothpicks) Tom - Hi, Mr. Morgendorffer. I'm here to see Daria. Jake - Sure thing! (closes door) But first, care for a caramel-topped popcorn do g? Tom - Um...thanks. (takes one and looks at it dubiously) Jake - I think I may be onto something here. A pushcart, a nice big umbrella, an d hey, I'm open for business. Tom - (puts sample back on tray) Um...I've got to help Daria prepare for her int erview, now. (walks away) Jake - Why, God? Why are those computer screens so damn hard to read? (In Daria's room, Daria walks over and sits on bed; Tom rolls swivel chair over and sits.)

Daria - Hey, thanks for helping me out. Tom - I just hope this little run-through will be enough to do any good. Okay, n ow I'm a humorless suit from the Wizard Foundation, and you're some jaded, high school snot. In other words, you. Daria - How flattering. Tom - All right, Daria. Let's say that we hire you to work at Wizard. Not very l ikely, but hey. Now, your first assignment is to fire half your employees. Do yo u: A, fire by lottery, B, fire by seniority, or C, just get rid of any women and minorities who happened to have snuck through the gates. Daria - Okay, thanks Tom. Very helpful. Tom - I'm trying to represent Wizard accurately. So you'll be comfortable with t he face of evil when it stares into your soul. Daria - What are you talking about? Tom - You've heard about their hiring policies, haven't you? Daria - I must have fallen behind in my annual reports again. Tom - So, then you don't know about their measly two women VP's and one AfricanAmerican in senior management. Daria - Really? I wonder if Jodie's heard about this? Tom - That's it? No righteous indignation? No protesting of sexism and racism? T his is where you usually leap up and swear you won't be co-opted by these bottom -feeding weasels. Daria - Yeah, it is. Tom - So why aren't you leaping and swearing? Daria - Um, my foot's asleep. (Outside of Landon home, cut to Jodie and Daria sitting on sofa.) Daria - So basically, they're hiring practices and employee relations aren't tha t much different from the Ku Klux Klan, if you disregard the dental plan. Jodie - You may be overstating things a little, but I get your point. They're no t what you'd call progressive. Daria - Not progressive? (Andrew Landon walks up next to Jodie) Andrew - Hey, Daria. Summit meeting of the Wizard finalists? Jodie - Dad, Daria found out some kind-of questionable things about Wizard's per sonnel policies. Andrew (brief laugh) No kidding. I guess you didn't see the interview with their CEO in the Journal. Talk about your redneck billionaires. (laughs) Jodie - You already knew about this?

Daria - They haven't promoted a woman or a minority in three years. Andrew - So? Who better to win the prize than a brilliant young woman? Especiall y, if it turns out to be a brilliant young black woman. Jodie - That is a good point. Daria - I thought you wouldn't want anything to do with Wizard, once you found o ut. Jodie - Trying to reduce the competition by getting me to drop out, huh? Daria - No. I thought we'd both drop out. Andrew - And who will win the scholarship then? Daria - Huh? Andrew - Wizard's policies have been prehistoric, yeah. But someone, somewhere i n the organization, is trying to address that. Or, they wouldn't have created th is prize. Now, do you walk away because the guy at the top is an idiot, or do yo u join the people trying to change the way he does business? Daria - How do I know they're not just trying to make him look good, without cha nging anything at all? Andrew - They won't change anything at all, if kids like you two don't push your way onto their radar and show them the error of their ways. If you don't go up to the gate and ring the big bell, they've kept you out without having to do a t hing. (excited) Ring the big bell, Daria! Ring the big bell! (walks away) Daria - Big bell? Jodie - Okay, so my dad thinks he's Martin Luther King, Jr. Or Quasimodo, I'm no t quite sure. Listen, I've gotta go, or I'll be late for my coaching session. Di d you sign up with Dr. Danada yet? (View of office door, with Dr. J. L. Danada, Ph.D. on it. Cut to Daria and Dr. D anada in office.) Dr. Danada - Make no mistake about this, Daria. Knowledge is power. The key to s coring big on any interview is knowing what they want, and then delivering that product. Daria - I'm must praying that they want bulk-rate hot dogs. Dr. Danada - Daria, the product is you. Successful alumni reflect well on colleg es and foundations, so you need to project 'winner' the moment you walk in the d oor. Dress for success. Look that interviewer in they eye, and dazzle them with a million-dollar smile. Daria - Squander my million-dollar smile on a ten thousand dollar prize? That's crazy talk. Dr. Danada - Daria, if you don't mind my saying so, you're giving off mixed sign als about wanting this award. You do want the scholarship? Daria - I guess. But not if it takes dishonesty to get it.

Dr. Danada - Is it dishonest to say you're deserving of the Wizard prize? Daria - See, now that speaks directly to the ambiguities at issue here. The priz e is given by a company with less than stellar ethics. So, which would make me m ore deserving of the prize? Acting ethically, or acting unethically? Dr. Danada - (beat) Let's talk about what you're going to wear. (Bell rings. Daria and Jane walking in LHS hallway) Daria - So basically, Danada was a complete waste of time and money. I'll never learn to suck-up like Jodie. Jane - You shouldn't, anyway. Daria - You're right. Jane - You've gotta be yourself when you suck-up. Daria - Why do you keep saying that? My whole problem is that I'm not sucking up . Jane - Really? Then, why did you go to the coach in the first place? For that ma tter, why apply for a scholarship at all? Daria - What? Jane - It's all part of buying into the system, and buying into the system is an other way of saying sucking up. Daria - Who made you the Chicago Eight? This isn't the way you usually think. Jane - What do you know about how I think? Just because a person doesn't go arou nd applying for scholarships and using every ten-dollar word they know. It doesn 't mean they're stupid. (walks away) Daria - Who said you were... (Outside view of Lawndale High School. Cut to interior room, Ms. Li is shaking t he hand of Mr. Brower, the Wizard interviewer on one side of a folding table, Jo die, Daria and Upchuck are seated on the other side. Jodie is dressed in a magen ta women's business suit, Upchuck in a suit and tie, Daria as normal) Ms. Li - Mr. Brower, allow me to personally welcome you to Lawndale High. We are very happy to have three finalists for the Wizard Scholarship. (whispers) We'll talk later about some of your surveillance software. (Mr. Brower nods) Mr. Brower - Ms. Landon. What would you say are your strengths as a student and a human being> Jodie - That's a good question. My strengths are that I question, and I care. An d, I'm not afraid to go for it with my whole heart and soul. Mr. Brower - Mr. Ruttheimer, your strengths? Upchuck - Aside from my far-flung reputation as a people person, I'd say my stre ngths include a daring entrepreneurial bent, coupled with an unquenchable need t o succeed. (points) Nice tie, by the way. Mr. Brower - (adjusts tie) Ms. Morgendorffer?

Daria - I would say that my main strength is that I don't babble. Mr. Brower - Um...Ms. Landon. What is your greatest weakness? Jodie - My believe my greatest weakness is that sometimes I care too much and tr y too hard, and as a consequence, I don't always take time to smell the roses. Mr. Brower - (sighs, points to Upchuck) Upchuck - To tell you the truth, I have a weakness for wasabi gummy-fish. (Picks up bag of candy and holds it out to Mr. Brower) Care for one? Mr. Brower - (looks at Daria) Daria - My main weakness is my inability to answer stock questions with stock an swers. Mr. Brower - (frowns and makes mark on pad) (View of wall clock going from 11:00 to 11:30, cut to table with Mr. Brower, Dar ia, Jodie and Upchuck) Mr. Brower - Now, for my last question. Why do you deserve the Wizard Scholarshi p? Ms. Landon. Jodie - Mr. Brower, I believe in myself and I hope to achieve a lot in this worl d. And then, use everything I've learned to give back to my community, the way W izard is now with this wonderful scholarship. Mr. Brower - Mr. Ruttheimer. Upchuck - Awesome question. I was thinking about just that when I started my dot -com company. Because, I'm just the kind of go-getter the Wizard Scholarship was created for. Thank you! Mr. Brower - (sighs) Ms. Morgendorffer. Why do you deserve the Wizard Scholarshi p? Daria - Whether or not I deserve anything is irrelevant, assuming you run your s cholarship program the same way you run your company. (Jodie and Upchuck look wo rriedly at Daria) Since the token women and minorities you hire rarely move into upper management, and since I won't give the answers you want to hear, in hopes of somehow bucking the odds, I guess you can pass on me, as if I were one of yo ur female employees up for promotion. Mr. Brower - Ms. Morgendorffer, you seem to have a bit of an attitude problem. A re you trying to sabotage yourself? Daria - I'm responding to your questions truthfully. So, I guess the answer is y es. Mr. Brower - Too bad. According to my notes, you got high marks for the light-he arted spoof you wrote for an essay. Daria - (dismayed) Light-hearted spoof? (Jodie, Daria and Upchuck sitting on sidewalk in front of Lawndale High) Upchuck - So none of us is Wizard Scholarship material.

Jodie - I really thought I had a good shot. (sighs) Oh, hell. Maybe my answers w ere too damn pat. Upchuck - Is it possible I imported the wrong wasabi gummy-fish? Daria - Well, I know why I didn't get it. Jodie - Oh, yeah. Upchuck - Definitely. Jodie - No question there. Daria - Hey! Jodie - Come on, Daria. You didn't want it. Daria - No, I did want it. It just took me a while to figure out how badly I wan ted it. Jodie - How badly was that? Daria - Not badly enough to smile and lie for the award, but badly enough to get mad at you for applying. Sorry. Jodie - I'm sorry. I should have told you I was applying. I can't believe I didn 't. Daria - I can't believe I went to that coach, after all my high and mighty postu ring about integrity. Jodie - What about both of us sucking up to the sexist, racist goons at Wizard? Daria - Yeah. Who would have thought we'd be able to pursue excellence and scumm iness, both at the same time. Upchuck - (stands up) Oh! Why couldn't it have been me? (Daria at table in cafeteria, Jane walks up with tray) Jane - Jodie told me about the big brush-off from Wizard. Sorry, kid. Daria - Why were you so anti-scholarship? Jane - No reason. Except maybe...seeing the big brains compete for a prize based on their academic achievement. Well deserved, don't get me wrong. Might possibl y have made little Janey feel a bit...I don't know. Daria - Left out? Jane - Look, I'm good at the things I'm good at. Grades isn't one of them. (sigh s) We never used to think about stuff like this. Daria - I know. What's happened to us? Jane - I don't know. Selling out? Daria - Buying in?

Jane - Joining the system? Daria - Being co-opted? Jane - Maybe we're just getting older. Daria - Yeah, I felt a twinge of osteoporosis when I woke up this morning. Jane - So, you willing to admit yet that you're more competitive than you though t? Daria - Come on. If I were really competitive, I'd be in the parking lot right n ow, squaring off with the rest of them. (Crowd of students gathering in front of table. Banner above reads "Jake Morgend orffer Consulting" and the front of the table reads "Hot Diggity Dog Eating Cont est." Jamie, Joey, Jeffy, Kevin and Mr. DeMartino are seated in front of plates piled with hot dogs. Jake, in apron, is at one end of table by a large pot of ho t dogs; Ms. Li is at the other end with a bullhorn, standing by delivery crate o f hot dogs.) Mr. Li - Welcome to Lawndale High's first annual Hot Diggity Dog Eating Contest, courtesy of Jake Morgendorffer Consulting. First prize is a year's supply of Gr ade A, quality (whispered, away from bull horn) bulk rate (back to bullhorn) del icious hot dogs. Now, without further ado. Let's begin the festivities, and may the best porker win! (laughs and blows whistle) (crowd cheers while contestants start eating hot dogs) (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts My Night at Daria's Episode #512 Written by Peggy Nicoll (opening theme song) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria and Tom are sitting on one of the living room sofas; Tom is reading Criti que of Pure Reason by Immanuel Kant, while Daria is reading a macroeconomics tex tbook; both are obviously bored out of their minds) Daria - God, this is dull. So much for my silly childhood dream of becoming a su pply side economist. (closes book) Tom - At least you're not reading Kant. This guy gives dry, ponderous intellectu als a bad name. (closes book) Daria - Speaking of intellectuals... (Quinn enters the room) Quinn - Augh! I just had the worst date of my life! Not only did he wear white p ants, his car CD-player skipped...

(Daria and Tom look at each other) Quinn - ...and if that weren't bad enough, he spent the whole dinner talking abo ut himself and then accused me of not paying attention just because I had to qui ckly check my lipstick in the butter knife... (Daria and Tom get up and start to leave) Quinn - Wait! Where are you going?! Daria - To check our mascara in the salad tongs. Quinn - But you can't go! (sits on the sofa) I really need someone to talk to an d all the normal people are out on dates. Daria - Oh, well, you wouldn't want to barge in on someone's date. (she and Tom head upstairs) Quinn - Exactly! (grabs phone and dial) Tiffany? I had the worst evening... fine , hurry up and order dessert... (at Tokyo Toby's Sushi Restaurant) (Toby, Helen, and Jake are seated at a table; Helen and Jake have plates of sush i in front of them) Jake - So you see, Toby, a top-notch marketing consultant could really beef up y our business! Toby - Er, Jake, we're a sushi bar. Don't you mean "fish up" my business? (laugh s) (Jake laughs) Toby - Here, have some more sake. (pours sake into Jake's cup) Jake - Don't mind if I do. Helen - Jake, haven't you had... Toby - Hey, Ellen, why aren't you eating? Not trying to keep your girlish figure at your age, are you? (laughs) (Jake laughs) Helen - Ha-ha... actually, I had a late lunch. (quietly) Followed by an insuffer able dinner. (deliberately drops a piece of sushi onto the napkin on her lap) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria and Tom are in her bedroom, lounging on the bed and studying; suddenly, l oud music starts playing across the hall) Tom - What is that?! Daria - Either a traveling band of eunuchs, or Quinn's figured out how to turn o n the radio. (Daria gets up and shuts the bedroom door, then heads back to the bed)

Tom - God, Daria. Why didn't you tell me things were so bad at home? Daria - I didn't want you to worry. (time-shift; the clock goes from 10:39 P.M. to 4:07 A.M.; Daria and Tom have fal len asleep) (Tom wakes up and glances bleary-eyed at the clock) Tom - Oops. (Tom shakes Daria's leg to wake her; Daria glances at the clock, which wakes her up immediately) Daria - Oh, God. We've got to get you the hell out of here. Tom - (quietly) Works for me. (Daria and Tom get up; both wince as Daria opens the bedroom door, which squeaks ) Tom - (quietly) I'll go myself -- it'll be quieter. (Daria nods, then opens the door wider to let Tom out; they wince as the door sq ueaks again) (Tom quietly creeps down the darkened stairway, unaware that a half-drunk Jake h as woken up and is rummaging around the kitchen for a snack) Jake - I'm starving... sushi sucks! Sake rocks. Hey, got to remember that. (burp s, then starts rummaging in the refrigerator) Where's the lazooni...? (a plate of lasagna in hand, Jake walks out of the kitchen and finds Tom trying to open the front door, which is stuck) Jake - Hey! (Tom whirls around in shock) Tom - Mr. Morgendorffer! I can explain! Jake - Tom! Oh, hey, you know, that door sticks on me, too. Let me get it for yo u. (Jake hands his plate to a wide-eyed Tom and opens the door) Jake - Hey, you ever try any of that sake? It sucks! I mean rocks! Tom - Um, no. You know, the age thing. (hands plate back to Jake and makes a has ty exit, not willing to push his good luck) Jake - Oh, yeah. Good for you! (closes door) Nice guy, that Tom. (Jake heads back upstairs and climbs into bed; Helen is barely awake) Helen - (sleepily) No wonder you can't sleep. Tokyo Toby's is poison. Jake - Is not... hey, I forgot to offer Tom some lazonny... (in Daria's bedroom)

Helen (offscreen) - What?! (Daria, who was trying to sleep, suddenly opens her eyes and sits up in bed) Daria - Damn. One one thousand, two one thousand, three... (Helen bursts into the room) Helen - Daria, I need to talk to you, right now! Daria - ...one thousand. (it's now morning; Helen is still grilling Daria like she's on the witness stand ) Helen - All right, Daria. I guess I can believe your story, though it seems pret ty farfetched to me that two teenagers with raging hormones... Daria - My hormones don't rage. Oh, sure, they get mad sometimes, but then they just stop speaking to each other. Helen - All right... so you weren't, you know...? Daria - I certainly do know. And no. (out in the hall, Quinn -- who is still not a morning person -- approaches Daria 's bedroom) Helen - Then tell me once again why Tom was slipping out the door at 4:00 A.M. l ike a common criminal? (at that, Quinn's eyes fly wide open and her jaw drops to the floor; it takes he r several seconds to recover) Quinn - Phone! (reverses course and heads back to her bedroom) Daria - Gee, could the sneaking around have been part of a futile attempt to avo id an unnecessary all-night lecture about responsibility? Helen - All right, I admit I was a little upset, but I'm sure you can understand that when a mother sees her daughter, her little baby girl, to whom she gave li fe... Daria - Nothing happened. I'd tell you if it did. Helen - You would? Really? Daria - Um... anyway, you believe me, right? (in her bedroom, Quinn is on the phone) Quinn - (quietly) Stacy. Stacy! (loudly) I can't talk any louder, you dope! I'm trying to tell you my sister had a guy in her room all night! (Stacy starts crying over the phone) (in Daria's bedroom) Helen - Seriously, Daria, if the time comes when you decide that... you know...

I hope you will come to me first. Daria - Um, what? Helen - Not that I would ever try to talk you out of it -- which is not to say I 'm trying to talk you into it -- it's just that I'd like to have the chance to d iscuss things with you first. I only wish I could have gone to my mother before I made such an awful mistake. What is it about stunt drivers that makes otherwis e level-headed teenage girls just whip off their... Daria - (quickly interrupts) Okay, okay. Um, I've got to study. Big test. Biiig test... (Jake barges into the room) Jake - Helen! I think I've got something in my throat! Can you see anything down there? (makes "aaah" sound, then sees Daria) Daria! I, uh... (Jake turns tail and runs -- "I can't deal with this" -- with Helen on his heels ) Helen - Jake, nothing happened! (Daria closes her door, then sighs) (at Pizza King) (Tom and Daria are sitting in a booth; each has a slice of pizza and a soda) Daria - The problem with going to restaurants is that they're not in my room. Tom - I know what you mean. I have the same issue with hiking trails. (Upchuck walks halfway past the table, stops, gets an "Upchuck look" on his face and turns back) Upchuck - My, my, my... is that the lovely Miss Morgendorffer? Daria - Congratulations. You've passed your vision test. Please proceed to line B for your written. Upchuck - And you've passed your admission test to Club De Amore. Please check y our inhibitions at the door! (growls and leaves) Tom - What's wrong with him? Daria - His parents forgot to put decals on the sliding glass doors. (Kevin and Brittany approach the table; both have a slice of pizza in hand, and both are taking an inordinate amount of interest in Tom and Daria) Kevin - Hey, Daria's guy! Way to go, man! Tom - Excuse me? Kevin - You know... you did the wild walk, made a touchdown, signed the deed! Daria - Tonight's Babble Chat was hosted by Kevin Thompson. Brittany - Oh, Daria! Now we can have womanly talks!

Daria - What the hell are you ranting about? Brittany - You know... (nods her head towards Kevin) Kevin - Let's go, babe, and leave the love babes alone. (he and Brittany leave) Tom - That was weird. Even for them. Daria - We'd better get out of here before the parmesan fumes get to us, too. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Jake and Helen are in the living room; Helen is sitting and trying to work, whi le Jake is looking at his throat in a hand mirror) Jake - Damn it, Helen, I know there's something crawling up my throat, and I thi nk it's a parasite courtesy of Tokyo Toby's Parasite Restaurant! If I stand stil l, I can even feel it laughing inside of me... Helen - Now you're being ridiculous. Even if that horrible sushi did have a para site, it couldn't have survived that much sake. (Daria enters the room, and Jake immediately gets tongue-tied again) Jake - Daria... I... um... uh... (Jake starts to leave, but Helen grabs him by the arm and pulls him back) Helen - Your father thinks he picked up a parasite eating sushi. Daria - You mean the kind that drill through your intestines, twisting and turni ng and driving you slowly insane until they grow eight feet long and corkscrew o ut through your vital organs? (her little revenge pays off: Jake starts freaking out, little by little, then c ollapses on the couch) Helen - Daria... Jake - Help me, Helen... before the madness sets in. Daria - Any further. Helen - Daria! (phone rings as Daria heads upstairs to her room; Jake answers with the cordless ) Jake - Hello? Oh, Toby. Listen, about your so-called fresh sushi... I got the jo b? How much? Wow! I mean, I think I can live with that. See you tomorrow! (hangs up) Helen! I got the job! Helen - And all the parasites you can eat. Jake - Parasites? You know, you were right. It's probably just a sore throat... I think I'm gonna throw up... (Jake clutches his throat and hurries out of the room, while Helen just rolls he r eyes)

(at the Lane house) (Jane is sitting on her bed, sketching, when the phone rings; she answers, and t he screen splits between her and Daria) Daria - Hey. Jane - Ah. I've been expecting your call Daria - Huh? Jane - All right, I'm listening. But for God's sake, at least spare me the squis hier details and the rapturous declarations of undying love. Daria - What are you talking about? Jane - What are you? Daria - I was hoping you could tell me. Tom and I ran into some people from scho ol and they kept alluding to I'm-almost-afraid-to-guess-what. Is something going on? Jane - Come on, Daria, you know. Daria - Know what? (pause) Jane - You don't know? Daria - What?! Just tell me! Jane - Well, there's this rumor going around that you and Tom... slept together. Daria - Huh?! Jane - And that your father walked in right... well, right in the middle of thin gs. Daria - Oh, my God. Jane - And Daria... (chuckles) ...since when do you own a pair of black high hee ls? (Daria lowers the phone, wide-eyed with shock) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Quinn is in her bedroom, preening in front of the mirror; she puts her hair ove r one shoulder, then the other) Quinn - That's not right, either. Oh, the curse of having two good shoulders! (a very unhappy Daria walks into the room) Quinn - Daria! What are you doing in here? Daria - I want to know exactly what you told everyone at school about me and Tom .

Quinn - I didn't say a word! Besides, I swore Stacy to secrecy, but then she tol d Sandi and Tiffany, so if you're mad at anyone, it should be Stacy and not me! Daria - Uh-huh. Look, dammit, nothing hap-Quinn - Stop! I don't want to hear any of the sordid details. I don't care what coupled people do! Daria - And I'm telling you, nothing-Quinn - Okay! Okay! Look, I got to, um... go shopping. Big sale. Biiig sale. (st arts to walk away) Daria - Quinn, listen to me for one min-Quinn (offscreen) - Half off. Gotta go. Bye! (Daria rolls her eyes in exasperation) (at school) (Daria approaches Jodie, who is standing at her locker) Daria - Can I talk to you for a second? Jodie - Sure. What's up? Daria - Um, you've probably heard the rumor about me and Tom... Jodie - Hey, it's no big deal, right? This isn't the '50s, when women had to wor ry about their reputations. Daria - But it's not true. I never slept with Tom and I don't own any high heels . I don't even own any low heels. Jodie - Daria, it's okay, really. Besides, you and Tom have been going out for s o long, I'd think by now you'd want to do more than just hold hands. Right? Daria - Um... Jodie - Hey, sex is nothing to be ashamed of, as long as you're responsible. Daria - So, then, you and Mack have... been responsible? Jodie - Um... I really don't want to discuss that right now. Daria - I understand. Jodie - I promise: soon as my parents are dead, I'll tell you all about it. (wal ks away) Daria - Okay. Just so long as there's nothing to be ashamed of. (in downtown Lawndale) (Daria and Jane are walking to Pizza King) Daria - And I thought the whole point of being unpopular was that no one knows y ou exist or talks about you.

Jane - It's been a slow news week. Don't worry, they'll go back to not recognizi ng you soon enough. Daria - Easy for you to say. You never had a rumor circulating around school tha t you slept with someone. Jane - Well, if that ever does happen, I hope the guy's a professional wrestler. Look, why does this bother you so much, anyway? It can't be you're worried Kevi n won't respect you. Daria - No... I guess it's the assumption that if you're in a relationship, you' re having sex. So if you're not, does that make your relationship any less of on e? Jane - I knew I should have jumped Tom when I had the chance. (Daria gives her a cross look) Kidding! I told you, I'm waiting till college. 11:00 A.M. on move-i n day. Daria - At least you've got a plan. Jane - Anyway, being in a relationship can't possibly hinge on physical intimacy 'cause that would mean our parents are still doing it. Daria - Which is absurd. Jane - No chance. Daria - I'd join the circus. Jane - Right behind you. Daria - Thanks for your insight. Jane - What I'm here for. (both girls enter Pizza King and sit down with a couple of slices and sodas) Daria - You really think once some new rumor comes along everyone will forget ab out me and Tom? Jane - I'm sure of it. (Daria sees Kevin and Brittany walking by) Daria - Good... (louder) ...because my sister's got a rare form of Malaysian toe nail fungus. Jane - (louder) Ooh! That can be terminal! (Kevin and Brittany look at each other, open-mouthed in shock at this news) (at the office of Doctor E.L. Hask) (Jake is in an examining chair; the doctor is about to yank something out of Jak e's throat) Doctor - Whoa. That is one hell of a parasite. Now hold on! One, two, three! (lu nges)

Jake - Aah! Doctor - Here. Look. (the doctor holds up something on the end of his probe: it's a really nasty-look ing parasite) Jake - Eww... um, must have gotten it from that damn food-rotting Tupperware... Doctor - Tupperware? I don't think so. When was the last time you had sushi? Jake - Last weekend at Tokyo Toby's... Doctor - Tokyo Toby's? When is the health department going to shut that worm fac tory down? This is the third anisakid I've seen come out of that place in two mo nths! Jake - Oh... (at the Sloane house) (Daria and Tom are on the couch watching TV) SSW Announcer - Can anger management training really help gorillas avoid extinct ion? Maybe, but it's not doing much for the psychiatrists! "The apes of wrath," today on Sick, Sad World! (Tom mutes the TV with the remote control) Tom - Are you okay? You hardly said a word when the monster attacked the girls' swim team. All those vital organs bobbing around in the water... Daria - (sighs) I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but there's this rumor goin g around school that you and I slept together. Tom - Really? Can we get that rumor started at my school? Daria - It's not funny. Tom - Come on, Daria. Since when do you care what other people think? Daria - It's not that... so much. It's just that... the implication is, well, to be really close, couples need physical as well as emotional intimacy. Tom - Boy, people will believe anything. Look, you said you weren't ready. So ok ay. Daria - Oh, fine. Just take me at my word. Tom - That is what you said, right? I mean, correct me if I'm wrong. Please. Daria - Hey, far be it from me to pressure you into anything. Tom - Daria, you're the one who doesn't want to, remember? I backed off 'cause I thought that's what you wanted. But I can be persuaded otherwise. See? All done . Daria - Okay, fine... in the interest of moving our relationship forward and tak ing it to a new, deeper level, I've decided I'm ready, too. Damn it.

Tom - Really? Are you sure? Daria - Sure I'm sure. Of course, there's the issue of... you know. Tom - No problem! I've got one right here. (pulls out his wallet) You know, my p arents won't be home... Daria - Wait! You just carry one of those things around? Tom - Wishful thinking? Daria - God, guys are all the same. Tom - What, responsible? Daria - You know, maybe we are rushing into this. Forget I brought it up. Tom - Forget you brought it up? Jeez! Daria - Hey. I didn't expect to be put on the spot. Tom - I thought you just said you wanted to. Daria - Not so much that I'm running around town with a neon birth control devic e in my purse. Tom - Look, I've been a good guy about this. You said you're ready, so I tried t o be conscientious and now you don't want to again. Make up your mind! And it's not neon! (pause) Daria - I'm ready. Tom - You're sure? Daria - Positive. (pause) Tom - Um, okay. When were you thinking, um, we would, you know? Daria - Um, anytime. But not right now. Tom - Um, okay. (pause) Daria - It's definitely not neon, right? (at Tom's house) (Daria and Tom are right where we left off) Daria - So, um... should we pick a date? Tom - Well... my parents are going out of town next weekend. How about then? Daria - No fair. Home court advantage.

Tom - Fine. Your place. Daria - Like I'd ever find all the microphones Mom's hidden around my room. Tom - The Rendezvous Motel? You know, on Route 6. Daria - Gee, don't make me feel too special. Tom - All right, the boathouse at the lake, with the stars, the moon, the water? Daria - And the mosquitoes, the splinters, the security patrol? Tom - (frowning slightly) Okay, how about Mars, then? Soon as that whole coloniz ation thing gets going? (pause) Daria - Your room, next Saturday night at eight. (at school) (Jane approaches Daria, who's closing her locker) Jane - Yo, kinky shoe girl, good news. The Malaysian fungus has your sister down to three toes, and one of them is dangling. Daria - That's so sad. (they start walking to class) Jane - Yeah, and that hot news flash from the Lawndale gossip mill has left you and Tom in the proverbial dust. No one cares about your sex life anymore, or lac k thereof. Daria - Um... make that former lack thereof. Jane - Daria! (they stop) Daria - Or rather, future former lack thereof. Jane - Oh. So... when? Daria - Soon. This weekend. Jane - Ah. You seem a tad... what's the word... scared witless? (they resume walking) Daria - Okay, so I am a little very nervous. Jane - Of course you are! This is a big decision. A defining moment in your life ! Daria - Oh, good -- that's not too much pressure. Jane - Or possibly just another adolescent embarrassment you'll need to repress in adulthood just to get out of bed in the morning.

Daria - Huh. So far, that makes everything after my 12th birthday. (pause) Um, y ou don't think that'll really happen, do you? Jane - No, no, it's gonna be great. Well, then, congratulations or whatever they say in situations like these. Daria - I think it's "S.O.S." (Daria walks into the classroom, leaving a concerned Jane standing outside the d oor) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Jake and Helen are in the kitchen; Helen is making dinner) Jake - You said I was being ridiculous! You said it couldn't be a parasite! Helen - Okay, Jake. You were right, I was wrong. Jake - Oh, sweet music to my ears! Helen - Which only proves that I was right about Tokyo Toby's being poison in th e first place. Jake - Oh, yeah... (Daria walks into the kitchen) Jake - Um... Daria! (Jake beats a hasty retreat) Helen - Daria, hi! Anything new? Daria - Well, you didn't hear it from me, but Quinn's played her last game of "T his Little Piggy." Helen - Hmm, it's Friday night. Aren't you going out with Tom? (Daria pulls out a box of cookies and grabs one) Daria - Sorry. Only one question per customer. Please try again tomorrow. Helen - Daria, about that talk we were going to have... we don't have to wait. W e could have it... Daria - No, no. The end of time is fine for me. And speaking of the time... Jake - Okay! Even if you were right about Toby's, I was right about the parasite , and it was a double-wide parasite so that makes me doubly right! Helen - Jake, not now! I'm talking to Daria. Daria? (unseen by them, Daria has slipped out of the kitchen) (in the morning, Daria slowly wakes up and realizes what day it is) Daria - God. Saturday already? (at the Sloane house) (it's 6:30 P.M.; Tom is whistling as he sets up his bedroom with candles and sof

t music; he obviously wants things to be special for his and Daria's first time) (flash-forward to 9:00 P.M.; the candles are half gone, and Tom is getting frust rated; shaking his head, he picks up the phone and dials) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Helen is in the kitchen, rummaging around in the refrigerator) Helen - When is Quinn going to stop storing her nail polish in the... ooh, "Sunr ise Sublime." (the phone rings; Helen answers just as Daria enters the kitchen) Helen - Hello? Oh, hi, Tom! (Daria frantically waves her arms "No!") Helen - Daria? No, I haven't seen her. Sure, I'll tell her. Bye. (hangs up) Dari a, is everything all right? Daria - Sure. Fine. Never been better. (grabs something out of the refrigerator) Helen - You know, I've never known you not to want to speak to Tom, or wear "Sli cky Fingers" nail polish. (Daria looks down; she's grabbed a bottle of Quinn's nail polish) Daria - Um... I believe you should try everything once no matter how unmistakabl y stupid it is. Almost everything. Anyway, got to go. Lot of homework. Big essay due. Biiig essay. (leaves quickly) Helen - I thought you said you were seeing Tom tonight. (pause) Daria? (at the Sloane house) (Tom blows out an almost-gone candle, then tosses the bouquet of roses into the trash) Tom - I don't believe this. (in the morning, Tom opens the front door to get the paper; a note is attached t o it) Tom - Daria. (Tom sits down on the living room couch and begins to read) Daria (voiceover) - "Dear Tom: I'm sorry about last night, but when I thought ab out it for the 50th time, I realized I'm just not ready. Please let this letter serve as my acceptance of the inevitable breakup. Daria." Tom - Damn. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Tom knocks on the front door; Daria answers) Daria - Oh. Um, you got my note?

(at the park) (Tom and Daria walk towards, and sit down on, a bench) Tom - Daria, how could you do this to me? Daria - I can't help it if I'm not ready. I can't change the way I feel. Tom - Not that. I mean, how could you dump me without even talking it over? Daria - Look, we both agreed that sleeping together would bring us closer, so... not doing it must be driving us apart. Tom - No, you said it would bring us closer and I said, fine, if that's the way you feel. I wasn't pushing this, you were, remember? I was perfectly happy with our relationship just the way it was. Daria - Perfectly happy? Tom - Okay, very content. The point is, you're not ready. I understand. (pause) Daria - No, you don't understand. It's not that I'm not ready. It's that I'm sca red. Tom - Same thing. Daria - No, it's not the same thing. I just admitted that I'm scared. The though t of that much intimacy... it's just overwhelming to me. Tom - Oh. (pause) Daria, you know I would never do anything to make you uncomfor table. Daria - And even if I could handle it, what if you were disappointed? Our whole relationship could be ruined. Tom - You don't want to have sex because you're afraid it'll hurt our relationsh ip, and then you break up with me. Doctor, my head. Daria - I thought that's what you'd want. Tom - Think again. (he kisses her) Tom - You know, I think that, despite ourselves, we just reached a new level of intimacy. Daria - And lived to tell about it. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria is sitting on the sofa reading the newspaper; Jake is on the phone, pacin g as he talks) Jake - Hmm, free air fresheners with the fragrance of tuna? Let me think about t hat... and, hey, Toby, speaking of thinking... now, you know I think your sushi' s delicious...

Daria - Especially that rice and roundworm filling. Jake - ...but you might want to change suppliers. See, I got a parasite from it. .. no, it wasn't a little parasite, it was a big, mean parasite.... well, I'm fi ne now... I am not whining. Hey, it's not my fault I missed the draft. The war w as winding down! Oh, yeah?! Listen, you big fat blowfish... (hangs up) Daria - Can I have a raise? Jake - Dammit, Daria, do you believe the nerve of that guy and his rotten fish? Daria - If that rotten fish has restored communication between us, Father, then I say hooray for smelly old rot. Jake - Oh. Oh! (Helen walks into the room) Helen - Jake, is everything all right? Jake - Yeah! I mean no! I mean... huh. I think I feel something else in there. I bet that parasite laid a whole extended family of eggs! Where's that mirror? (Jake quickly leaves to find a mirror; Helen sits down next to Daria as Quinn en ter the room) Helen - Daria... Quinn - Does anyone know how I got on the mailing list for Tootsie Tech, "World' s Largest Supplier of Prosthetic Toes By Mail"? Daria - Ooh, do they have those vintage wooden ones? Quinn - Augh! (leaves) Helen - Um, Daria... Daria - Tom and I didn't have sex, and we're not going to any time soon. Unless, of course, a bomb goes off and, as Earth's last two survivors, we must replenis h the human race. Although, frankly, that's not motivation enough for me. (Helen sighs in relief) Helen - Well, I can't say I'm not somewhat relieved. I just want you to know tha t whatever decisions you make in life, I'm on your side and... (Daria lifts the newspaper high to hide from Helen) Daria - So instead, we've decided to sublimate our urges by traveling cross-coun try with a motorcycle gang. Helen - All right. You just remember to call home on Sunday nights. Daria - (lowers paper) Hey! Helen - Ha! Jake (offscreen) - Damn it! I think I can see their beady little eyes! God help me!

(closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Boxing Daria Episode #513 Written by Glenn Eichler (opening theme song) (opens on a black screen, the only sound being tires squealing and cars crashing into each other; then, the sound of footsteps and tapping on a window) Guy - Miss, are you all right? Miss? (at the Morgendorffer house) (Helen is on the phone with the office; two workmen from Karl's Kitchens are put ting in a new refrigerator) Helen - Oh, Eric, I'm so sorry I'm running late. I had a household emergency. Oh , our refrigerator suddenly broke. What do you mean I should chill? I'm perfectl y relaxed! Oh, refrigerator! Chill! (laughs) Oh, I agree. There's nothing funny about food poisoning. (Daria arrives in the kitchen) Daria - Unless someone else gets it. Then it's frivolity city. (Helen frowns at Daria) (at school) (Daria and Jane are walking down the hallway) Daria - Did I tell you Tom's going away for a week? Jane - To "the cove"? Daria - How'd you know? Jane - That's the only place his family ever goes. I think they're training a se cret militia up there. Daria - I wish. That's so much more exciting than them just being too damn cheap to go anywhere interesting. Jane - Hey, how do you think old money gets old? Daria - Anyway, he'll be up there for a family wedding, so more time for you and me to hang out. Jane - Haven't we had this conversation before? Only I said what you're saying a nd you said what I'm saying? (the PA clicks on) Ms. Li (over PA) - Attention, Lawndale High students. It has come to my attentio

n that during our all-important Trail Mix Fund Drive Week, some individuals have been flaunting outside snacks from non-school-affiliated sources. Now, students ... the Booster Club, Leadership Club, Chess Club, Dominoes Club, football, bask etball, lacrosse and marbles teams, as well as the Fraternal Brotherhood of Futu re Marketing and Promotion Executives, need your help. I'm afraid we going to ha ve to institute snack spot checks! I'm sorry, young people, but you have abused your privileges! (PA clicks off) Daria - I hate this place. Jane - That reminds me. I need some chocolate. Unauthorized chocolate. (fakes ev il laugh as she walks away) (Mr. O'Neill walks up to Daria) Mr. O'Neill - Daria! Hello! I want to ask you something. Daria - I'm not surrendering my pudding snack. Mr. O'Neill - What? Daria - What did you want to ask me? Mr. O'Neill - It's about the freshman tours. You know, the tours we give student s who'll be entering school next year. Daria - Forget it. Mr. O'Neill - We're looking for bright, articulate and empathetic students to le ad groups of... (her words finally register) Forget it? Daria - "Empathetic"? Mr. O'Neill - Well, yes, Daria. With your vivid storyteller's imagination, you c an really put yourself in the shoes of these young people entering high school f or the first time. Daria - I don't think I can bring myself to say anything encouraging about a pla ce that strip-searches for Cheez-Its. Mr. O'Neill - Darn it, Daria, this is an opportunity to polish up those people s kills. I promised myself I'd get you to do this. Daria - Why? Mr. O'Neill - Because I care. Daria - Then you need to work on your callousness skills. (walks away) (at the Sloane house) (Tom and Daria are watching Sick, Sad World) SSW Announcer - They gave her a good-bye party at 65... miles per second! "Retir ement by rocket," next on Sick, Sad World. (Tom clicks the remote to mute the TV) Tom - So I asked my parents and it's cool with them if you want to come up for a couple of days.

Daria - I can't stand to go to my family's weddings. What makes you think I coul d ever go to yours? Tom - Come up after the wedding. Daria - Oh, sure, so I can get there just as the marriage starts to disintegrate . (Tom sighs) Daria - (relents) Look, I appreciate the offer, but you know... too many people, not enough evacuation routes. I'll see you when you get back. Tom - I'm worried. I don't think you can really do without me for a week. Daria - No, you should worry that once I remember what it's like not to have you cramping my style, I'll want to make it permanent. Tom - Romantic. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Helen is reading the refrigerator manual, Quinn is checking out the new fridge, and Daria is making toaster pastries) Helen - This says the different vegetable bins have individual thermostats. Quinn - That means I can have celery stalks at one temperature for their optimum crispness, and carrot sticks at another for theirs! Daria - Just make sure they never touch, or kablooey! Quinn - Ha. Helen - What do you think of the new refrigerator, Daria? Daria - I think... (glances out the window) ...I think they left the box. (Helen looks out the window and sees the empty box sitting in the back yard) Helen - Oh, isn't that ridiculous? They carted off that heavy, old refrigerator and left the cardboard box. Well, it's light. You and your sister can move it ou t to the curb for the trash collectors. Daria - Isn't that sort of brute donkey work the reason they made fathers? Helen - Daria, I'm surprised at you being so traditional. Daria - I'm not being traditional. I'm being lazy. Helen - Well, your father heard about a last-minute opening at some marketing co nference and ran off, so I guess you girls will have to do it. Daria - A last-minute trip? He didn't say anything about that. Helen - Well, no, Daria. That's because it was last minute. Daria - Oh. Okay. (pause) Did we have one of those when I was a kid?

Helen - One of what? Daria - A refrigerator box. I seem to remember spending a lot of time playing in one when I was a kid Helen - Oh, I doubt that, Daria. I don't remember you doing much playing at all. (laughs, then sees Daria's glare and sighs) (outside, Daria and Quinn start dragging the box) Daria - Do you remember us having one of these when we were kids? Quinn - Daria, I'm doing manual labor here? I'm not in the mood for a stroll dow n memory road. Daria - You were probably too young anyway. I think I was around five or six... Quinn - Daria! I'm near the perspiring point! Daria - Oh, come on, this thing isn't heavy. I could drag it myself... Quinn - Okay. Bye. (starts to leave) Daria - Wait! Quinn - (turns back) What? Daria - Why do you think Dad really went away? Quinn - Daria, why are you so weird? (inside the house, Daria looks out the window at the box sitting on the curb, th en picks up the phone and dials) Daria - Hi, Mrs. Sloane, it's Daria. Um, is Tom there? (pause) Oh... okay. (paus e) No, just that I called. Thanks. (hangs up, then goes back to staring out the window) (begin flashback sequence) (little Daria is in bed, while Jake and Helen are arguing in another room; Daria is obviously frightened by what she hears) Jake (offscreen) - Dammit, Helen, that's it! How much am I supposed to take? Helen (offscreen) - Jake, she's a child, she doesn't know any better! Jake (O.S.) - That's what she wants you to believe! (end flashback sequence) (Daria comes out of her reverie, then walks into the front yard and drags the bo x away from the curb) (at the Morgendorffer house) (Helen is in the kitchen, on the phone and in a panic, as usual) Helen - Eric? I'm running a little late. No, it's nothing to do with the refrige rator. Oh, I should chill. (laughs, but it's strained) That's funny. Okay, bye.

(hangs up) (Helen then looks out the window and sees the box is back in the yard) Helen - Huh. (Quinn walks into the kitchen in her bedclothes; she still isn't a morning perso n) Helen - Quinn, I thought I asked you and Daria to move that box out to the curb. Quinn - What? We did. Helen - Maybe you dreamt that you did. I want you to go out there and move it ri ght now. Quinn - But, Mom, I swear... Helen - I don't have time to play games, Quinn. I'm late! Bring the box out to t he curb or I won't be responsible for what happens to your carrot sticks! (leave s) (outside, Quinn is dragging the box to the front yard) Quinn (muttering) - Stupid freakin' carton... hard freakin' labor... I'm only fr eakin' human! How much can one freakin' girl take? Even an enormously freakin' p opular one... (upstairs, Daria is awakened by the arrival of the garbage truck; seeing that th e box is at the curb again, she hurries outside and drags the box away just in t ime) (at school) (Kevin and Brittany are conducting one of the tours for the soon-to-be-freshmen, while Mr. O'Neill looks on) Kevin - Now, the next stop on our tour is the lunchroom. Who here knows what peo ple do in the lunchroom? (the group looks confused, which isn't a surprise; Mr. O'Neill sighs at Kevin's usual ineptitude, then runs to catch up with Daria and Jane) Mr. O'Neill - Oh, Daria! I wanted to ask you if you've given any more thought to helping out with the freshman tours. Daria - If nominated, I will not run. If elected, I will not serve. Mr. O'Neill - But Jodie's doing it. Daria - Jodie does everything. Mr. O'Neill - Maybe you and Jane want to give some tours together! Jane - I'd do it. (Daria stops and stares at Jane) Hey, if I'm giving a tour the n I can't be in class. Simple physics. Daria - I told you. I'd feel like a complete hypocrite telling impressionable yo ungsters what a great place this is when I don't believe it myself.

Mr. O'Neill - But you don't have to tell them what a great place it is! I want t hem to see that Lawndale High is the sort of school that embraces all kinds of s tudents. Daria - What's that supposed to mean? Mr. O'Neill - Well, Jodie and the others are sort of joiner types, and you... Daria - Are sort of a non-joiner type? An outcast, an oddball, a fifth wheel? An d you want me to tell other oddballs that life at Lawndale High will be just pea chy? Mr. O'Neill - Daria! Is everything all right? Daria - No! Why do I have to be pegged as the misfit all the time? I can get alo ng with people! (leaves angrily) Mr. O'Neill - Of course you can, Daria, that's my point! So you'll think about i t?! (getting no response from Daria, Mr. O'Neill turns to Jane) Jane - Kids. (at the Morgendorffer house) (Daria is in the kitchen, reading, as Helen walks in) Hele - Daria, why is that refrigerator box in the backyard again? Daria - Why do you refuse to acknowledge that we had a box like that when I was a kid? (closes book) Helen - What? What are you talking about? Daria - Where's Dad? Helen - I told you, he's at a conference. He'll be home tomorrow. Call him if yo u want to speak to him! Daria - Why? So he can lie to me, too? Where is he really? Helen - Daria, are you feeling okay? Daria - Did you and Dad have a huge fight about me when I was little? Helen - What?! No! Daria - You're lying. (leaves) (in her room, Daria is on the phone with Tom, who's at their house at the cove; in the background, Tom's uncle and his father, Angier, are playing chess) Daria - So when are you coming home? Tom - Next week, like I said. Daria - Can you get back any sooner? Tom - I wish I could. Wait, are you kidding?

Daria - Do you have to make fun of me? Tom - I'm not making fun of you. But what happened to "I don't care if you're he re or not"? Daria - It's changed. Listen, do you still want me to come up there? Tom - Well, you could, but it's even duller than I thought. I mean, it would be great for me if you came up, but I think you'd have a horrible time. Daria - So you lied to me, too. Tom - What are you talking about? Daria - You said you wanted me to come up. Now you say you don't. Tom - That's not what I said at all! Come on up, I want you to, it'll be great. Daria - No, thanks. (Tom sighs) Daria - Call me tomorrow, okay? Tom - Daria, seriously, is something wrong? Daria - Call me tomorrow, all right? Bye. (hangs up) Tom - But we can talk right now... (stares at the phone, concerned, as the conne ction is broken) (the next day, Daria and Jane walk into the Morgendorffer's back yard and approa ch the box) Jane - Well, you spoke the truth. It's a box, all right. Daria - It's more than a box. Jane - Um, from here it looks like exactly a box. Daria - I mean, that box is trying to tell me something. Jane - If you say so. All I hear is the rustle of a gentle breeze wafting throug h cardboard. Quite soothing, really. (Daria pauses, then...) Daria - You're right, it is soothing. Jane - I was kidding. Daria - No, there's something about it... (she crawls into the box as Jane looks on, wide-eyed) Jane - Um, Daria? What are you doing? Daria (sitting in box) - Yes. This is right. Jane - Daria?

(begin flashback sequence) (little Daria is in bed, while Jake and Helen are arguing in another room; Daria is obviously frightened by what she hears) Jake (offscreen) - Dammit, Helen, that's it! How much am I supposed to take? Helen (offscreen) - Jake, this isn't about you. It's about her, having a little trouble fitting in. Jake (O.S.) - She doesn't want to fit in, damn it! Why can't you admit that?! Helen (O.S.) - Jake, she's a child, she doesn't know any better! Jake (O.S.) - That's what she wants you to believe! Helen (O.S.) - Where are you going?! (the front door, then another door slams, with little Daria wincing each time an d pulling the covers up a little tighter) (end flashback sequence) Jane - Daria? Come on, the neighbors are starting to talk. Daria - Um... good. Soon they'll progress to cave drawings and civilization will be on its way. (Daria crawls out of the box just as Quinn approaches) Quinn - Daria! I remembered! You were right! I remembered I was three or four an d it was nighttime and I woke up because Mom and Dad were fighting, and then Dad was yelling and a door slammed and then I heard a car start up and he drove awa y. Daria - Thank you. I knew I wasn't imagining it. Do you remember what they were fighting about? Quinn - Um... yeah... they were fighting about you. (Daria hesitates for a moment, then crawls back into the box as Jane and Quinn w atch) (begin flashback sequence) (little Daria is talking to the school counsellor, with Helen and Jake sitting i n the background; Helen has an '80s style hairdo, and Jake has a little more hai r than he does now) Doctor - Now, Daria... I want you to tell me what you see when you look at the p icture. (holds up an inkblot) Daria - What do you mean? That's not a picture. Doctor - Well, not the kind of picture we're used to seeing. This picture lets y ou make up what it's about. Daria - Then why don't I just draw my own picture?

Doctor - For instance... one little boy or girl might look at it and see a fire truck or a house. Another might see a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains. Daria - It's just a black splotch. Doctor - Daria, what's your favorite game to play at recess? Daria - I don't like games. I like to read. Doctor - Don't you enjoy playing with the other children? Daria - Not really. They never understand what I'm talking about and then they m ake fun of me. I like to read. (Helen and Jake exchange glances) (in the car, on the ride home; Jake is driving, Helen is riding shotgun, and you ng Daria and Quinn are in the back seat) Jake - I'm just saying, Daria. If you give the other boys and girls a chance, yo u might find someone you like. It takes all kinds. Quinn - I like lots of kids! (starts bouncing up and down like she's on a sugar high) Daria - They call me egghead. Helen - Sweetie, it's a little hard for your father and me to keep taking time o ff from work to talk to the counselor. Why don't you meet us halfway and try tal king to the other kids? Daria - They don't say anything that interests me. Quinn - I talk a lot to the other kids, and they talk back! (the car pulls into the driveway of their home, a modest one-level ranch house) Helen - Daria, how do you know they don't interest you? Daria - I'm tired. (gets out of car) Quinn - I'm not tired! (later that night) (little Daria is in bed, while Jake and Helen are arguing in another room) Helen (offscreen) - Well, I don't know what to do. I'm at my wits' end. Jake (offscreen) - Dammit, Helen, that's it! I go in there every day to face a p sychotic boss, a job that makes me feel like a freakin' slave, then I have to co me home and deal with this? How much am I supposed to take? (Daria is now obviously frightened by what she hears) Helen (O.S.) - Jake, this isn't about you. It's about her, having a little troub le fitting in. Jake (O.S.) - She doesn't want to fit in, damn it! Why can't you admit that?!

Helen (O.S.) - Jake, she's a child, she doesn't know any better! Jake (O.S.) - That's what she wants you to believe! Helen (O.S.) - Where are you going?! (the front door, then the car door slams, with little Daria wincing each time an d pulling the covers up a little tighter; as the car starts up and pulls away, D aria gets out of bed, switches on the light, and crawls into a large, crayon-dec orated refrigerator box and begins to read; the hardship reflected in her young face disappears almost immediately) (end flashback sequence) (Daria remains sitting in the box, lost in thought) (Jake arrives home via cab, and as he walks into the kitchen, he sees the cardbo ard box in the yard; walking outside, he peers into the box) Jake - Oh! Hey, kiddo! (he gets up to leave, then peers back into the box; there's no response from Dar ia, who's still lost in thought) Jake - Um, Daria? (at the Morgendorffer house) (Jake and Helen are standing in the kitchen and looking at the box, where Daria is still sitting) Jake - But what's she doing in there? Helen - I don't know. She's been acting so strangely. I'd have called you, but b y the time I got home and saw her, you were already in the air. (Quinn walks into the kitchen) Quinn - Oh, hi, Dad. How was the band-aid conference? Jake - Branding. It was a branding conference. Quinn - Branding? Oh no, those poor cows! Helen - Quinn, do you have any idea why your sister is outside sitting in that r idiculous box? Quinn - Is she still out there? Um, it's about that fight you two had. Jake - Fight? What fight? Helen - We didn't have any fight. Quinn - Back when we were kids, in the old house. You know, you had a big fight about Daria and then Dad stormed out? It was very traumatic. The scars are with me to this day. Do we have any diet soda? (outside, Helen and Jake peer into the box, attempting to coax Daria out)

Helen - Come on, Daria. Come out of the box. We want to talk to you. Jake - Yeah, come on, kiddo. We'll all have a nice talk. Daria - No. Helen - Daria, you can't spend the rest of your life in there. Daria - I can once they put in my high-speed Internet connection. Jake - Daria... please come out? (pause) Daria - All right, but you have to promise to be completely honest with me. Helen - Um... uh... okay. Jake - Helen, is that such a good idea? Helen - Jake! Jake - Honest it is! (in the living room) (Daria is seated on one sofa, Helen and Jake on another) Daria - When I was six years old, did you have a big fight about me? Helen - Yes. Jake - No! (pause) Yes. Helen - I'd forgotten all about it. Quinn reminded us. Daria - Why were you fighting? Helen - Daria, you have to understand. We kept getting calls from the school. Yo u wouldn't talk to the other children. You wouldn't play with the other children . We knew how smart you were -- talking to you was like talking to a miniature a dult -- but you wouldn't engage with the other kids. Daria - They didn't interest me. Jake - That's what you said. Helen - Your father was in a job he hated, with a really sadistic boss. Jake - Lousy mini-Mussolini... Helen - Jake! Jake - Tense, Daria. I was very tense. Helen - I was trying to resume a full-time workload and still raise two young gi rls. We were all tense. Your problems at school were sort of the straw that brok e the camel's back. We had an argument, your father stormed off, spent the night in a motel...

Jake - A crappy motel. Helen - ...and the next day, we made up and carried on. Daria - So I caused a big marital rift. Jake - Not a rift, Daria. Helen - We had a fight one night. You happened to be the topic, not the cause. (Daria pauses for a moment; then, without a word, she gets up and walks out the door) Helen - Daria? (Helen and Jake go after her, rushing outside just in time to see Daria pulling away in Helen's SUV) (on the road, Daria picks up the cellphone and dials) Daria - Hello? Mrs. Sloane? Is Tom there? (pause) Well, would it be okay if I to ok you up on your offer to visit? (pause) Yeah. (pause) I can be there in about four hours. (pause) Thanks very much, Mrs. Sloane. (Daria hangs up the phone just as it starts to rain; suddenly, a car spins out o n the rain-slick road ahead, and Daria barely avoids joining the chain reaction pile-up by skidding to a stop on the shoulder) (a man approaches the SUV and starts knocking on the window; Daria is in near-sh ock from the experience) Man - Miss, are you all right? Miss! Miss! (Daria finally snaps out of it, and rolls down the window) Daria - Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay. (at Mom's Diner) (a waterlogged Daria is sitting at a booth as Jane drives up in Trent's car; whe n Jane enters the diner, Daria rushes over and hugs her, to Jane's total surpris e) (shortly thereafter, Daria and Jane are sitting in the booth; they are both sipp ing mugs of coffee) Jane - I'm not quite getting this. You ran off because of a fight your parents h ad 11 years ago? Daria - It's not the fight. It's the sudden realization that all these years, wh en I thought they were torturing me, in reality I was the one torturing them. Jane - First of all, I don't think it's either-or. From where I'm sitting, you a nd your folks have done a great job of torturing each other. And second of all, you mean to tell me you don't know when you're busting them? Daria - Yes, I know when I'm busting them. What I didn't realize is what a pain I've been when I thought I was just being me. Jane - Huh?

Daria - At age six, I decide I don't need to talk to other kids ever again; my p arents are the ones who get called into school. At 12, I decide to try out some Shakespearean insults on my teachers; my parents are the ones who get called int o school. At 15, I start writing violent revenge fantasies just to get a reactio n... Jane - Your parents, et cetera, et cetera. Gotcha. But I never got the idea that they minded that much. Daria - Yeah. Which just makes it even worse. Jane - You really need to discuss this with them. Daria - I know, but first I had to talk to someone I could trust. Jane - Yeah, I'm sorry you didn't make it to the cove. Daria - I'm not. It would have been good to see Tom, but this way, I got to talk to the person I trust most. (Jane and Daria exchange small, knowing smiles) (later, Daria pulls up to the house as Jane, in Trent's car, honks the horn, wav es, and drives away) (inside, Helen and Jake are frantic with worry when Daria walks in) Helen - Oh, thank God! (both Helen and Jake get up and hug Daria; all three then sit on the sofas again , with Daria sipping another mug of coffee) Helen - But Daria, why did you have to run away when you heard that story about getting called in to school? Jake - Yeah, we used to get called in to school all the time! Helen - Jake! Jake - I mean... we were used to it! Helen - Jake! Jake - I mean... Helen - Jake! Jake - It was part of the deal. It was the other side to you being so smart and perceptive. Helen - (suddenly realizes that this is one of Jake's rare insigtful moments) Oh . Daria - What do you mean? Helen - Daria, you can't have a child with your kind of intelligence and expect her to fit in easily with other kids. We weren't happy to be called into school because we knew it meant you weren't happy.

Jake - But we were never unhappy with you. Daria - Oh. Well, that's good. (pause) Um... do you think I'm a misfit? Helen - Daria, you make your choices. We understand that. Jake - Yeah! (pause) We do? Daria - Choices? Helen - Yes. Like deciding not to visit Tom while he was away, or to give those student tours. You choose not to interact and we understand. It doesn't make you a misfit. Daria - It just makes me antisocial. (pause) That student tour thing is a matter of principle. Jake - You know, if I could interject here... (shuts up quickly with a small "oo f!" as Helen, without looking, stomps on his foot) Daria - Um, I'm gonna go to bed. (starts to head upstairs) Helen - Good night. Jake - Good night, kiddo. (Daria hesitates, then turns around) Daria - I just want to say... it occurs to me that maybe I wasn't the easiest ch ild in the world to raise, and, um... perhaps I'm quite lucky to have you for pa rents. (heads back towards the stairs again) Helen - Thank you for knowing when not to speak. Jake - (whining) I think you broke my toe. (as Daria enters her room and turns the light on, she sees the refrigerator box in the middle of the room with a note on top of it; she picks it up and reads it ) Daria - "Didn't know if you'd need this, but just in case. Quinn." (Daria smiles at Quinn's rare display of thoughtfulness) (in Tom's car) (Tom is driving Daria to school) Tom - Anyway, sorry I wasn't home when you called, and I'm real sorry you never made it up there, although I think that last checkers game between me and my unc le is still going on. Daria - Hey, you had no way of knowing I was gonna want to drive up. Tom - I mean, if I'd had any idea that you'd end up in a horrific multi-car crac kup, whispering my name over and over in a desperate bid not to slip into a coma ... Daria - Horrific crackup? I spun out on the shoulder.

Tom - You tell it your way, I'll tell it mine. (Tom and Daria exchange smiles) (at school, Daria gets out of the car; as Tom drives off, Daria sighs at the pro spect of what she's about to do) (in the hallway in front of the cafeteria, Jane and Daria are conducting one of the middle school student tours) Daria - Now, over here is the lunchroom. As middle school veterans, you already know that this is the center for spitballs, laughing milk up through your nose, and food poisoning of every variety. Jane - Who here wants to slip me a twenty to point out the popular table so you can start fighting for a seat now? (the kids look on, confused by what they're hearing) Daria - Okay. Let's move on to Hell and Purgatory, also known as the gym and loc ker rooms. Jane - Where, for twenty bucks, I'll show you which showers haven't been peed in ... to my knowledge. (now the kids look shocked) Daria - My friend is just kidding you, of course. They've all been peed in. (Daria and Jane then begin leading the students towards the gym) Daria - Now, as we head for the gym, take special note of the fine industrial gr ade lockers, which make the perfect noise when you bang your head against them.. . (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Is It Fall Yet? TV Movie Written by Glenn Eichler and Peggy Nicoll NOTE: Edits made by The N appear in red text. (courtesy of Robert Nowall) (opening theme song) SCENE 1 - LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL (The students in Mr. DeMartino's classroom are packing books into boxes and remo ving items from the walls. Among them are Daria, Jane, Jodie, Kevin, and Brittan y. Daria, Jane, and Jodie are packing books, while Kevin and Brittany are attemp ting to remove a map of the United States from the wall.) Mr. DeMartino - Well, students... I certainly appreciate your help in cleaning o ut the classroom for the summer. It almost makes me forget that most of you didn 't learn a thing all year!

Daria - That's not true. I learned to sleep sitting up. Kevin - (turning) Mr. D., as Q.B., I think I can speak for... Mr. DeMartino - Careful with that map, Kevin! Kevin - Eep! (turns and quickly prevents map from falling) Mr. DeMartino - Now... without turning around. Did you want to dangle a morsel o f hope before me by announcing you're doing something constructive this summer, like partaking in much-needed remedial classes or some sort of vocation? Kevin - (turns again) I'm not going on vacation. Me and Britt are going to be li feguards. Mr. DeMartino - No turning, Kevin! Kevin - Urk! (turns back to map) Mr. DeMartino - Do not turn until... did you say lifeguards? Brittany - It'll be really easy 'cause I already know how to use... oops! (teete rs and falls off the chair, ripping the map in half) Um, a bullhorn? Mr. DeMartino - (clutches his head) Augh... argh! Why couldn't I have been born during an influenza epidemic? Or at the base of a volcano? Why did I survive, gr ow tall and strong, only to squander all my potential by becoming a teacher?! Ar gh...! Daria - When he would have made such a wonderful motivational speaker. (Jodie giggles, but Jane resolutely continues packing. There's obviously still t ension here over "the Tom thing.") SCENE 2 - LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL (Mr. O'Neill is handing back test papers to his sophomore class, which includes Quinn, Sandi, Stacy, Tiffany, Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie.) Mr. O'Neill - Now remember, the P-STATs are a good "dry run" for your college bo ards. If you got 1,200 points or better, kudos! You'll have a wide and exciting choice of colleges. And for those with less, uh, robust scores, there are still wonderful opportunities in the food services sector. Stacy - Hmm... 940. Tiffany - 9... 02. Quinn - 955. (Sandi scowls at that news, because her test score is 924. Solution? Lie through her teeth, of course.) Sandi - 956. I guess we're all of comparable intelligence. Tiffany - Yeah... comparable. (Quinn displays a "yeah, right" look, as it took Tiffany ten seconds just to say those two words. At that point, however, the dismissal bell rings.)

Mr. O'Neill - All right, have a rewarding and growth-filled summer, everyone. An d by the way, we still have openings for counselors at the "Okay to Cry Corral", my day camp for sensitive children and those who'd like to be. It's going to be wonderful. (His words are falling on deaf ears, as all of his students are filing past him and out the door. All except Quinn, who approaches his desk and waits for him to notice her.) Mr. O'Neill - I hope... some of... um... all right, then. I'll miss you all, too . (finally notices Quinn standing there) Quinn, you'd like to join the roundup a t the Okay to Cry Corral and make a difference in a child's life? Quinn - Why would I want to do that? I just, um, need to ask you something. Mr. O'Neill - Problems at home? Is it your mother? She seems awfully stressed. H as she been acting out on you? Quinn - It's about my test score. Mr. O'Neill - (dejected) Oh... Quinn - Um, let's say you got a certain score on a test, and it wasn't terrible, but some other people got almost the same score, people you really thought you could do better than, although for personal reasons you'd rather not name them o r say why? Mr. O'Neill - Um... what? Quinn - Okay, forget everything I just said. Let's try this. Can I get into Pepp erhill with a 955? Mr. O'Neill - 955? Oh, dear. Well, let's see. (He goes to his desk and leafs through a book, presumably a reference book on un iversities, until he finds the entry for Pepperhill.) Mr. O'Neill - Pepperhill University. It is known more for its wide range of soci al activities than for academics, but... ah! Uh-oh. I'm afraid to get into Peppe rhill you'll need a combined score of at least 1,000. Quinn - But that's not fair! I didn't have time to study with my Fashion Club du ties. Don't extracurricular activities count for anything? Mr. O'Neill - Hmm. You think you might have done better if you'd studied? Who we re those other people you mentioned? Quinn - I told you to forget them. Mr. O'Neill - Eep! Of course you did. Well, Quinn, if you think studying would h elp, I say go for it! Take this summer to crack the books. Hire a tutor. Put you r nose to the proverbial grindstone. Quinn - What's wrong with my nose? (Mr. O'Neill groans. Unfortunately, it's the kind of response he's come to expec t from Quinn.) SCENE 3 - LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL

(Daria and Jane are walking down the hall, Jane slightly in front. There is obvi ous tension between the two.) Daria - I think I'm finally finding out what it feels like to be a Lane. Jane - That can't be, since it's only afternoon and you're already out of bed. Daria - I mean the lack of tiresome parental involvement. Mine have been so busy they've completely forgotten to force me into some dumb summer activity. I'm tu rning into you. Jane - Well, you've got so much else of mine, you might as well have my identity . Daria - (slightly indignant) Hey...! Jane - Take a joke, Daria. Anyway, que ironico. You don't have summer plans, I d o. Daria - Ironico's not a word. Jane - This old commune-mate of my mother's runs an artists' colony. I've been a ccepted into their summer program. Daria - (no enthusiasm whatsoever) That's great... Jane - That sounds sincere. Daria - Why didn't you say anything? Jane - I didn't want to jinx it. Two months of painting and sculpting my heart o ut in a college town in the middle of nowhere. Starting this weekend. Daria - Does this college town have a name, or do you just turn left at the kid with the tractor? Jane - Cheer up, Daria. Without me around, you'll have that much more time for y our budding social life. (Daria makes a face at that; things obviously aren't going well between them, an d apparently this was not the first comment of this type from Jane.) SCENE 4 - LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL (The Fashion Club is dining together in the cafeteria, as usual.) Quinn - This college book said you need a score of 1,000 and a B-minus average t o get into Pepperhill. Stacy - God, we're only flesh and blood. Tiffany - Stacy... eww. Stacy - Sorry. Sandi - So we'll go somewhere else. Somewhere that appreciates our specialness a nd individuality. Quinn - But I'm sure I can do better on those tests.

Sandi - You can do better? Quinn - We. Did I say me? We. Sandi - Gee, Quinn, I'm glad you think you're so much smarter than the rest of u s, but you're worried about nothing. We have plenty of time to pull up our test scores next year. Stacy - Yeah! No sweat. Tiffany - Stacy... eww. Stacy - Sorry. SCENE 5 - THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE (Jake is eating a stack of waffles at the kitchen counter, while Daria is making toast. Helen is rummaging through the refrigerator.) Daria - More waffles, Dad? I found an extra stick of butter. Jake - No thanks... the old diet, you know. (looks closer at the box of frozen w affles) May second? Hey! It's June! These waffles have expired! Helen - Relax, Jake. That's a sell-by date. They've been frozen since then. They 're fine. Jake - Easy for you to say. You didn't just eat four poisoned waffles! Daria - Mom's right. Besides, if you had food poisoning you'd be developing a ve ry mild stomachache by now. Jake - A mild stomachache? I think I have one, damn it! (Helen is done in the fridge, so she turns to address Jake's latest neurosis.) Helen - Jake, can't you ever tell when anyone's joking? Jake - Of course I can. Um... you're not doing it now, are you? Helen - It's June?! Oh, my gosh, Daria, what are you doing this summer? Daria - I was wondering when you'd ask, but don't worry. I have a job. Jake - Good for you, kiddo. Helen - I see... and what exactly is this job? Daria - I'm sorry, but the confidentiality agreement I signed with the governmen t prevents me from revealing that. I've already said too much. Jake - Wow! I mean, wow, what a funny joke. Helen - Daria, I'm serious. I'm not going to let you sit around the house all su mmer. Daria - Fine. I'll lie around the house all summer. (Quinn walks into the kitchen, and is immediately ambushed by Helen)

Helen - Quinn, what are your plans for the summer? Quinn - All right, I admit it! My P-STAT scores were a little low. Helen - What? Quinn - Sandi said we have plenty of time to catch up next year. Helen - What about all the new things you'll have to learn then? Daria - Yeah. The second half of the alphabet is even harder than the first. Quinn - Oh, great. So you think I should get a tutor, too. Aren't there, like, a ny TV shows I can watch? Daria - Good idea. You wouldn't want to flunk the essay section on Matlock. Jake - Ha! Matlock. Helen - Well, if you don't want a tutor, then... Quinn - Fine! A tutor it is. (And Quinn walks out, leaving her confused family in her wake.) SCENE 6 - LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL (Kevin, Brittany, Mack, and Jodie are in the hallway, signing each others' yearb ooks. Other students are cleaning out their lockers.) Brittany - Just make it out to me -- Brittany! Jodie - Gee... thanks for clearing that up. Brittany - You're welcome! What are you guys doing this summer? (Jodie assumes "the position"... she's obviously recited this one too many times .) Jodie - Two internships, volunteer community service, a part-time job and, in my spare time, golf lessons. Kevin - Wow! What about you, Mack Daddy? Mack - Driving an ice-cream truck. Kevin - (laughs) That's not very prestidigitatious. Mack - Thanks for pointing that out. Kevin - You're welcome. Jodie - Mack owes his father some money and I think it's very conscientious of h im to take that job and pay him back. Mack - Yeah. He gets the money, I get the humiliation. Jodie - Mack, it'll be fine.

Brittany - Wait... isn't golf for old people who dress funny? Jodie - Yeah -- my parents. They're trying to get into Winged Tree Country Club and they want me to learn how to play. Kevin - Hey, do you get to wear one of those little hats and ring that bell that goes ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling? (laughs) A-ling? (Mack grumbles. Kevin probably doesn't know how close he came to getting flatten ed right on the spot. Elsewhere, the Fashion Club is strolling down another hall way, presumably looking for yearbook signers.) Sandi - So I told my parents, all right, I'll go with you on your little trip to Bermuda, but don't expect me to take part in any family luaus. Quinn - But isn't it Hawaii where they do luaus? Sandi - Gee, Quinn, that's exactly what my mother said. Maybe you should go with them. Stacy - What are you doing this summer, Quinn? Quinn - Oh, nothing special. See some movies, catch up on my dating... (quietly) get a tutor. Sandi - A tutor? Stacy - Oh, Quinn, I'm so sorry. Tiffany - Really... Quinn - I know. It's terrible. But my mother's making me. Um, you guys will keep it to yourselves, won't you? Stacy - Of course. Sandi - You can trust us. Tiffany - You have our word... Quinn - You guys are the best! (And in yet another hallway, Daria and Jane are headed for their lockers, the te nsion between them thicker than ever.) Daria - I think we should talk. Jane - Okay. (stiffly) We are now talking. Daria - About the Tom thing. Jane - That I don't want to talk about. Daria - If you're still upset about it, we should deal with it now. Especially s ince we won't be seeing each other all summer. Jane - You don't get it, do you? I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. I told you, I'm not mad at you about Tom. Now let it freaking go , okay?

Daria - Can I at least take you out for a good-luck pizza before you leave for y our big art adventure? Jane - Daria, I said let it go. (And Jane leaves a dejected Daria in the dust. It's going to be a loooong summer .) SCENE 7 - THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE (Jake is sitting on the living room couch, reading the paper, when Helen walks i nto the room) Helen - Jake, put the paper down. That boy Daria's been dating is on his way ove r. Jake - You mean Quinn's been dating. Helen - No, Daria. Jake - Oh! Good one, honey. Old Jake Morgendorffer sure appreciates a funny joke . Helen - Jake, will you listen to me, please? Daria's been out with this Tom seve ral times and we're finally going to meet him, and I want to make sure we have o ur game plan together. Jake - Wait, I remember now. The guy without any vocal cords. Helen - I want you to stay cool and relaxed and not embarrass her by getting all nervous and crazy. Jake - (still not listening) Daria said he communicates by blinking. Now was it one blink for yes or one blink for no? Helen - Jake, she was joking! Jake - I know! Ha-ha-ha-ha...! Now, what's the game plan? Helen - The game plan is, you don't say a word. Jake - So he won't feel self-conscious about the vocal cords, right? Helen - Oh...! (The doorbell rings. Helen opens the door, to find Tom standing on the front sto op.) Helen - Hello! You must be Tom. Tom - I... Helen - I'm Helen Morgendorffer. Tom - Glad to... Helen - Won't you come in? Tom - I'd...

Helen - Great! (Tom makes a dejected face -- he obviously isn't used to not being able to get i n a word edgewise -- and follows Helen into the house.) Helen - We've heard so much about you, Tom. Tom - Really? Helen - Um, well, actually... Jake - (leaps off the couch) Hey there, young man! Jake Morgendorffer. Tom - (shaking Jake's hand) Hi, I'm Tom Sloane. Helen - Sloane? Not the same Sloane as in Grace, Sloane and Page? Tom - Well, that's my dad, so I guess... Jake - Grace, Sloane and Page?! Hey, sign me up for a little of that insider tra ding. (Helen and Tom scowl at Jake's tasteless joke as Daria descends the stairs ) Ha-ha! Little joke, of course. Class firm like your father's would never, uh, mmm... (he's getting nowhere) Say, you know, my vocal cords hurt. I'd better go gargle. (Daria and Tom finally escape the house and proceed to Tom's car.) Daria - Sorry about that. They've been acting a little strange ever since, oh, I can remember. (Tom gives Daria a quick kiss, and Daria responds with a small smile.) Tom - Pizza? Daria - Okay. (They finally reach his car. It's not his old rustbucket. It's a new rustbucket -- a Jaguar -- though in obviously better condition than his old Ford Pinto.) Daria - What's this? Tom - My new car. Well, my grandmother's old one. Daria - Did you want this car? Tom - Well, yeah, after my parents had my old one towed away in the middle of th e night. (climbs behind the wheel) Daria - (gets into the passenger seat) Note to self: leave Quinn out on curb ton ight. SCENE 8 - DOWNTOWN LAWNDALE (Daria and Tom are walking towards Pizza King, when who should appear but Kevin and Brittany) Brittany - Oh, hi, Daria! Daria - Um, hello.

Kevin - Hey, Daria, I didn't know you had a brother. Daria - What? Brittany - Jane's going out with your brother? Wow! Daria - What? Brittany - You're Tom, right? Jane's boyfriend? Tom - Well, I'm Tom, but... Kevin - How long have you and Daria been brothers? I mean, how long has Daria be en your brother? Wait a minute, uh... Tom - Actually... Daria - Um, listen, it's been great talking and all, but we've got to get back t o the Rent-a-Brother shop before they charge us for an extra day. Bye. (Daria and Tom walk away) Kevin - You know what, babe? I don't think he's her brother at all. Tom - What's the matter? Daria - I can't do this. I can't spend the evening in there explaining to people that no, you're not my brother, and no, you're not Jane's boyfriend, you're act ually my, uh... Tom - Yes? Daria - Guy I'm dating. Tom - Okay. I understand. I know, let's bag the pizza place and go to my parents ' club. Daria - You're not much for crafty strategizing, are you? Tom - Nobody knows you there. Besides, they charge my folks for meals whether th ey eat them or not, so we might as well get their money's worth. Daria - Tom, as much as I'd like to help your family in their time of need... (The Fashion Club chooses that moment to walk by, with each member appraising To m as they pass.) Daria - Do they have cheddar fries? SCENE 9 - WINGED TREE COUNTRY CLUB (Daria and Tom are sitting in the elegant dining room; it's obvious that it's a haven for the well-off) Tom - Think you'll come visit me while I'm working in my father's office this mo nth? (fake enthusiasm) You can help me file earnings reports. Daria - Oh, sure, that old line. (looks around at the other members) Boy, you ca n really smell the mold on the old money in here, can't you?

Tom - Better on the money than on the food. Uh-oh... Daria - Someone pull out a new twenty? (Worse: Angier, Katherine, and Elsie Sloane -- Tom's parents and younger sister -- approach their table. They're dressed in that rich-but-trying-not-to-flaunt-i t way. Elsie apparently is not enjoying herself.) Tom - Mom, Dad... Elsie. Daria, this is my mother and father and my sister, Elsi e. (the Sloanes and Daria exchange greetings) Kay - I just spoke with Aunt Mildred. She's made a lot of improvements on the ho use. Elsie - She had the screen door fixed. Tom - We always spend August at the cove with my great Aunt Mildred. It's kind o f a tradition. Elsie - In other words, we don't have a choice. Kay - Elsie! Angier - How about you, Daria? I'll bet you have something fun planned for the s ummer. Daria - Um... Tom - Actually, Daria's just going to relax. She's earned it -- she made high ho nor roll all three trimesters. Kay - Fielding doesn't have trimesters. Daria - I go to Lawndale High. Kay - Oh. (pause) Well, high honor roll is an achievement at any school. Daria - Actually, at ours it just means you managed to stay out of prison all ye ar. (There's an uncomfortable pause before Elsie starts to laugh, followed by Angier and Kay. Daria, however, is less than thrilled with being put on the spot.) (Later... Tom and Daria are parked in front of the Morgendorffer house.) Tom - Sorry about the family onslaught. Daria - No big deal. Your parents had to find out you were dating me sometime. Tom - Does that bother you? That I hadn't told them about you? Daria - (hesitantly) No. Tom - Daria, I never tell them about anyone I'm dating. Daria - Now I really feel special. Tom - Well, you should. Because I like you.

Daria - Thanks. Um, I'd better be going. Tom - Hold on. I want to ask you... do you, you know... feel the same way about me? Daria - Uh, yeah. Sure. Bye. (Daria gets out of the car -- quickly -- leaving Tom pleased, but oblivious to D aria's discomfort.) SCENE 10 - THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE (A young man strolls up the walkway to the front door and rings the doorbell. Af ter a moment, Daria opens the front door.) David - Hi, I'm David Sorenson. Are you Quinn? Daria - I don't know. Is this the ninth circle of Hell? David - The Divine Comedy. Daria - Wait a minute, you know that? All right. Who are you and what do you wan t with my sister? David - I'm here to tutor her. Daria - Seriously. (Helen arrives and opens the door wide.) Helen - Quinn, your tutor's here! David, hi. Helen Morgendorffer. (shakes David' s hand, then scowls at Daria) Don't mind Daria. Unemployment does strange things to one's mind. (Helen and David sit in the living room) Helen - Eric tells me you've worked wonders with his niece. David - Jasmine's been doing very well. Of course, it makes my job easier to hav e the support of involved parents. Helen - (chuckles nervously) Yes. Quinn! (David and Quinn sit in the kitchen) David - I see here that you took European History last year. I guess there's no need repeating that. Quinn - Oh, yeah. Napoleon, Waterworld, the A La Carta. David - Hmm... "revisit European history." Moving on to literature. I want you t o check off all the books you've read. (hands Quinn a list) No point in assignin g Ethan Frome or Silas Marner again. Quinn - What did they write? David - (laughs) Uh... okay. How's this for an idea? You tell me which are your best subjects.

Quinn - Well, let's see... I have an unerring color sense. (At that, David does not look at all impressed, as evidenced by the "this is goi ng to be tougher than I thought" look on his face.) SCENE 11 - ASHFIELD COMMUNITY FOR THE ARTS (The director is escorting Jane to her cabin. Her attitude and mannerisms are so mething of a cross between Amanda Lane and Claire Defoe.) Director - I got a postcard from your mother. Boy, do I envy her in Death Valley . Jane - Can you believe there are some people who wouldn't want to go there in Ju ly? Director - I know... here we are. (The director opens the door of the cabin to reveal a group of young women, all of whom are lounging around the common area of the cabin. They're all dressed in black, and sport oh!-so-trendy haircuts complete with offbeat colors.) Caroline - I'm not saying Fauvism didn't have its place, but now it just looks l ike so much black-velvet junk at the swap-meet. Paris - That's not fair. You can't evaluate the work outside the context of its time. Caroline - You can if it's good. Director - (clears throat) Everyone, I'd like you to meet your new housemate, Ja ne. Jane... Caroline, Jett, Anais, and Paris. Jane - Hey. (All of the girls murmur greetings.) Director - Enjoy. I'll see you later. (she leaves) Jane - Thanks. Jett - Nice haircut. Jane - Thanks, I... Caroline - Anyway, color is not something you just fling around like a dog marki ng its territory. (The girls murmur responses as Jane looks on and wonders what to make of her new roommates.) SCENE 12 - LAWNDALE PUBLIC POOL (Kevin and Brittany are dressed in full lifeguard regalia. Kevin is wearing red swim trunks, while Brittany is wearing a red one-piece bathing suit. Both are sp orting whistles.) Brittany - Kevvy! You look so cute. Kevin - And you look hot.

Brittany - And your muscles, they're so ripply. Kevin - Aw, babe. (Behind them, a kid can be seen choking and waving his arms. He's clearly in dis tress, and it's just as clear that Kevin and Brittany are totally oblivious to h is plight.) Lifeguard - Hey! You guys are supposed to be watching the pool! Kevin - What about this arm? Is it ripply, too? Brittany - Ooh... let me see how ripply. Oh... (The senior lifeguard jumps into the pool and pulls the kid to safety. As she do es so, she shoots an angry glance at the two lovebirds.) SCENE 13 - THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE (It's 1:00 in the afternoon, and Daria is still sound asleep. Helen walks into t he bedroom and opens a curtain; she's definitely not very pleased. Later that ev ening, Helen is on the living room sofa as Daria heads for the front door.) Daria - Can't talk... top secret mission. Helen - Well, complete your mission soon because I'm sending you on another one. Mr. O'Neill called looking for day camp volunteers and I signed you up. Daria - You didn't. Helen - You start Monday. I'm sorry, but you're not staying locked up in your ro om all summer. Daria - So instead, you're going to lock me up with a busload of whiny kids and the poor man's Kathy Lee Gifford. Helen - Daria, you need to be more tolerant. You know what they say. "Judge and be judged." Daria - And I judge myself unfit for human contact. Helen - That's exactly what you will be if you don't start engaging with the res t of us. (stands up) You keep hiding your real face behind that antisocial mask and one day the mask will be your face. I'm not letting that happen. You're work ing at that camp. (leaves) Daria - What about my feelings? What about my rights? (door shuts) What about my bribe? SCENE 14 - THE MORGNEDORFFER HOUSE (Quinn and David are in the middle of a tutoring session. Well, David is, anyway ; Quinn is on the phone with Stacy.) Quinn - But Stacy, how can I possibly decide if you should wear your chocolate b rown or beige brown headband if you haven't picked out your eyeliner? (looks ove r at David, and sees how angry he's getting) Beige brown, bye. (hangs up) Sorry. David - Okay. As I was saying, people in the Middle Ages were in constant...

Quinn - God, we're still in the Middle Ages? I mean, things were so depressing t hen, and everyone was so short. (phone rings, Quinn answers) Sandi, hi. I'm kind of bus... she wore under-the-knee knee socks? No! (David has finally had enough; he starts packing up his books.) Quinn - Hang on a second. Where are you going? David - Far, far away. Quinn - Sandi, I'll call you right back. (hangs up) Okay. So we were talking abo ut short people. David - No, you were talking about sock length. (stands up) See ya. Quinn - But you can't go! I haven't learned anything! David - Gee, and how do you propose to do that when you're on the phone through the whole session? Quinn - But they call, David, they call! David - Look, you seem bright enough, but I just can't sit here and listen to an y more vacuous prattle with your brain-dead friends. Eyeliner, headband colors.. . God, are you boring. Quinn - I'm not boring! I'm popular! David - Hey, the only reason you're popular is your looks, and those won't last forever. You have nothing interesting to say and no intellectual curiosity whats oever. Do the world a favor and don't go to college. Give up your spot to somebo dy who wants to learn. (Quinn gasps; it's obvious she's never been talked to like this before. At least , not by someone whose opinion mattered, on a subject she cared about.) Quinn - But... you just said I was bright! David - So what? It doesn't matter, if you're hell-bent on achieving complete br ain atrophy before you're old enough to vote. Quinn - I'm not! David - Do you even know what atrophy means? Quinn - David, my friends and I all got practically the same scores on our P-STA Ts. David - So? Quinn - So they were bad. And I know I can do better. It's not like I care or an ything, it's just that I know I can. David - It's not like you care? It's not like you want to do better? Then why th e hell am I here? (Quinn pauses for a moment to let that sink in. Finally, she comes to a decision as she places the phone in the middle of the table.)

Quinn - All right. I care. I want to do better. David - Okay, then... the Middle Ages. (David sits down and opens his textbook again as Quinn resigns herself to her si tuation.) SCENE 15 - THE "OKAY TO CRY CORRAL" BUS (Daria and Mr. DeMartino are seated together at the front of the bus, while Mr. O'Neill leads the other kids in song. Daria looks like she'd rather be anywhere else, while Mr. DeMartino looks like he wants to tear a hole in the side of the bus to escape.) Mr. O'Neill and Kids - (singing to "This Old Man") "With a knickknack, gentle pa t, give the dog a bone, this young person helps out at home." Mr. O'Neill - Now just the counselors. (singing) "This young person, he played.. ." (sees the look on Daria's and Mr. DeMartino's faces) Oh, dear. (at the camp, the kids are gathered in the activities room as Mr. O'Neill runs t hrough his introduction) Mr. O'Neill - Greetings, and welcome to the Okay to Cry Corral. I'm Uncle Timoth y, and together, we're going to take a journey to the land of self-discovery. A land where it's okay to laugh, and it's okay... to cry. Daria - I feel like doing that now. Mr. O'Neill - And now, I'd like my co-counselors, Daria and Uncle Anthony, to sa y a few words about what they hope to accomplish here. Mr. DeMartino - After you, Daria. Daria - Thanks, Uncle Anthony. (steps forward) My goal is to get out of this uns cathed. (steps back) Mr. DeMartino - I'm hoping to rediscover the joys and satisfactions of teaching, and the motives that led me to pursue such a thankless... I mean, rewarding pro fession in the first place. At least that's what my doctor says I need to do bef ore I incur a cerebral hemorrhage! Mr. O'Neill - Uncle Anthony... (chuckles nervously) I mean, what are your goals for the campers? Mr. DeMartino - Oh. Um... (pulls out a cue card) "To help make this a pleasurabl e experience for all. Let's learn to love ourselves together." (pause) Mr. O'Neill - Okay. (chuckles nervously) Let's divide into three groups, shall w e? One, two, three. Daria, you take group one. (Daria approaches her group, which consists of four kids, one of whom is resting his head on his folded arms.) Daria - Um... hello. Would, um, anyone like to say anything before we get starte d? Kid #1 - How come you're so pale?

Kid #2 - Why do you bite your nails? Kid #3 - Do you ever smile? Daria - (to the kid at the end) Um, how about you? Would you like to say anythin g? (The kid, Link, slowly raises his head.) Link - Is it fall yet? SCENE 16 - ASHFIELD COMMUNITY FOR THE ARTS (Daniel Dotson, world famous artist -- in his mind -- is giving a lecture before the assembled residents of the art colony. Beside him is one of his works, four paper plates skewered by spears.) Daniel - When I unveiled "Paper Plate Genocide" in 1991, it was hailed as intrig uing, provocative, even brilliant. And not just by me. (scattered laughter) Daniel - No, we all know critics tend to get carried away. But what was I thinki ng when I created a work that seems to have turned out both seminal and semiotic ? Jane - "I can't believe I'm getting away with this?" (Sitting beside her, a young woman with tatoos on her arms and long, dark hair - Alison -- glances over at Jane and smirks; she obviously appreciates Jane's sa rcastic remark.) Paris - Excuse me, Mr. Dotson? Daniel - Please... Paris, isn't it? Call me Daniel. Paris - Daniel. I just want to say, I think you're the greatest living artist of our time. Jane - "And not just because I have no taste." (Everyone except Jane and Alison applaud.) Guy - I was wondering, where do you get your inspiration? Alison - "My alimony bills." (This time, it's Jane's turn to look impressed. She and Alison exchange a look t hat needs no translation: they're on the same wavelength regarding this full-ofhimself poseur.) Daniel - I don't sit around and wait for inspiration. I grab it -- in the glint of the sun on a frozen peak... in the pain of an arthritic's hobble... in a love r's whisper in the dark. So I'd have to say, my inspiration comes from life itse lf. Guy - Wow. (Now Jane and Alison are frowning. If anything, their hatred of this clown is ge

tting deeper, if that's possible.) Daniel - Well, that's enough of the old windbag's ramblings for today. We'll pic k up here tomorrow. (The other students sigh with disappointment, then applaud as Daniel leaves.) Alison - Hi. I'm Alison. Jane - Jane. (They shake hands.) Alison - Our Mr. Dotson's really something, isn't he? Jane - Well, he certainly doesn't let substance get in the way of self-congratul atory yap. Alison - At least we'll never have to worry about him intimidating us with his t alent. (Jane lets out a small smile, thinking that this place might not be so bad after all.) SCENE 17 - LAWNDALE STREET (several kids, including Sam and Chris Griffin, are crowded around Mack's ice cr eam truck and screaming their demands) Chris - I want an Astro-Pop! Mack - Hang on. Girl #1 - Ring the bell! Sam - Give me a fudge bar! Mack - Just a second. Girl #2 - (whines) The flavor went out of my sno-cone! Sam - You suck! Chris - Yeah, you suck! (phone rings, Mack answers) Mack - Yeah? (split-screen between Mack and Jodie, who's stuffing envelopes for a charity car nival) Jodie - Sounds like you're having as good a day as I am. Mack - Well, things are looking up now. Want to do something later? Jodie - I can't. I'm gonna be stuffing envelopes all night. But I'll see you at my family's Fourth of July party, right? Mack - Right. Unless I... (loudly) shove an ice cream scooper down someone's thr

oat first! (In response, one of the kids throws his ice cream code at Mack, hitting him squ are in the head.) SCENE 18 - THE SLOANE HOUSE (Tom and Daria are watching television.) SSW Announcer - Are drug-crazed rodents raiding your child's medicine cabinet? " Rats on Ritalin," next on Sick, Sad World. Tom - Maybe you should get some of that for the little campers. Daria - Ritalin or the rats? (Kay and Elsie enter the room. Elsie sits on the chair opposite the couch where Tom and Daria are sitting. Elsie is carrying a garment bag, which she unceremoni ously dumps on the ottoman.) Kay - Hello, Daria. It's nice to see you again. Daria - Um, you, too, Mrs. Sloane. Hi, Elsie. Kay - Elsie, why don't you show Tom and Daria the dress Richard made you for the Starry Night Ball? Elsie - Oh, I couldn't ruin the surprise. Kay - Daria, is there any way I can change your mind about going? Then you and I could gang up and convince Tom. Daria - Um... Tom - Sorry, I forgot to tell you. Mom's on the board of the Lawndale Art Museum . They're holding a benefit to raise money for a new wet bar. Kay - A new gallery. It should be a lot of fun. Daria - Um, sounds like it. Elsie - If you like watching ice sculptures melt. Tom - Actually, these things are excruciatingly dull and stuffy, and I told her there's no way we're going. Daria - Well, um, I guess that's right. Elsie - You wouldn't want to compromise your quasi-rebelliousness. Tom - I hope Richard left enough room in that dress for your faux jadedness. Kay - Children! You know, Daria, this event is not members-only. I'd love to sen d your parents an invitation if you think they'd be interested. Daria - Um... thanks. Elsie - Are you going to blow off fireworks at the club, too? Tom - Sorry. I forgot. We can't. I already told... promised Daria I'd go with he

r to her friend's Fourth of July party. Kay - Daria, what can we do to get into your good graces? (An embarrassed Daria's discomfort level reaches an all-time high as she sits in the middle of the conversation.) SCENE 19 - THE "OKAY TO CRY CORRAL" (The kids are in the activities room. They're not happy.) Mr. O'Neill - Now, I want each of you to think of the blue lanyard as representi ng how you feel on the inside, and the green as how you present yourself on the outside. Picture... Kristin - It's a hundred degrees! Can't we go for a swim in the lake? Kids - Yeah... lake! Mr. O'Neill - Now, Kristin... do we really want to risk exposure to algae blooms ? Maybe some other time, when it's not quite as warm out. (kids groan) Mr. DeMartino - The blue strand represents the gnawing feeling of failure growin g with each wasted year. The green represents the ulcer you're developing from t he unrelenting indignities you suffer. Take the blue and cross it under... I mea n, over the loop and then through the frustration... argh...! Lanyards suck! (DeMartino gets up and walks away, leaving the kids confused) Daria - So continue threading the blue with the green until you've finished. Or can't take the tedium anymore. (She picks up a book and lets the kids continue with the project. Eventually, Li nk gets up and walks over to her.) Daria - Hey, Link. Need some help? Link - Nope. All done. (Link tosses his project on the table and leaves. Daria picks it up and examines it: it's a twisted, gnarled mess. Link is obviously not having a good time.) SCENE 20 - THE LANDON HOUSE (The Landon's Fourth of July party is in full swing, with influential guests and various students from Lawndale High in attendance. The Three J's approach Quinn and the Fashion Club, who are standing off to one side of the Landon's deck.) Joey - Hey, Quinn, can I get you a soda? Jeffy - How about a lemon for your soda? Jamie - How about a knife for your lemon? Quinn - Um, okay. (she watches the J's scramble away to fulfill her wishes) Sandi - Gee, Quinn... I'm surprised you're not at the planetarium with the jet p ropulsion club, what with all your tutoring.

Quinn - Sandi, shh. I'm trying to keep that a little quiet, remember? Sandi - Say no more. As your friend and fellow Fashion Club officer, I give you my solemn word that your secret is safe with me. Quinn - Thanks, Sandi. (the Three J's return) Sandi - I will never tell a soul that you, Quinn Morgendorffer, are seeing a tut or. Jamie - Quinn... you're seeing a tutor? Sandi - Quinn, I'm so sorry. I didn't see them sneaking up behind you. Quinn - Um, yeah... I'm being tutored because of my P-STAT scores. Joey - That's cool. Jeffy - Hey, yeah. Jamie - Awesome. Quinn - Really? Jamie - Hey, next year could you help me with my homework? Joey - No, me! I'm stupider than he is. Jeffy - I can barely spell my own name. (As the Three J's continue arguing, Sandi gives Quinn a dirty look; obviously, h er little plan has backfired on her.) Sandi - Gee, I didn't realize being tutored provides you with an opportunity to help others. Maybe I should get a tutor. Tiffany - Yeah... me, too. Stacy - Oh, God, I think I need one, too. (On the other side of the deck, Jodie, her father Andrew, and Mack are talking w ith another couple, presumably friends of Andrew's, or possibly a client.) Woman - Jodie, what have you been up to this summer? Jodie - (totally unenthusiastic) Soup kitchen, crisis center, Congressman Sack's office, fund raising, golf lessons. Andrew - Isn't she something? Man - Oh, yes. And Michael, is it? What are you doing this summer? Mack - Driving an ice cream truck. Woman - Oh. (Down on the lawn, Daria and Tom are standing next to the deck, while Kevin and

Brittany are sitting on the stairs.) Kevin - Hey, there's Daria with that guy who claims to be her brother. I'm going to trap him in his own web of lies. Brittany - Oh, Kevin, you're so... spidery! Daria - It's been a lovely evening, but I think I'm ready to go home now. (sees Kevin and Brittany approaching) But first, a word from the village idiots. Brittany - Hi, Daria! Hi, Tom! Daria - Hey. Tom - Hi. Kevin - Say there, um, Tom. If you're Daria's brother, how come we never saw you before this year? Tom - That should be obvious. They weren't able to match up our telltale birthma rks until now. Kevin - Oh. Hey, man, I'm sorry. Daria - I have something to tell you two. Tom's not my brother. Kevin - Aha! Daria - He's the mad scientist who built me. He has to hang around in case my in ternal organs fall out. Brittany - Eww...! Tom - I'm her date. Kevin - (laughs) Good one, man. Brittany - Wait a minute, Kevvy. He's serious. But how can you be dating Jane an d Daria? Tom - Well, I'm not dating Jane anymore. Brittany - Oh. (pause) Oh! Daria! Daria - Um, will you excuse us for a while? We'll be back right after man walks on the sun. (she takes Tom's arm and drags him away) Brittany - Wow... Daria's dating her best friend's boyfriend. Kevin - So then, whose brother is he? (Brittany frowns at Kevin, whose stupidity is exceeded by nothing) (Jodie walks down the stairs to the lawn just as Daria and Tom approach) Jodie - Hey, Daria. Thanks for coming. Tom Sloane, right? Jane's boyfriend? Tom - Actually, we're just friends now. Jodie - Oh, that's too bad. You guys were a cute couple. Any chance for a reconc

iliation? Daria - Um, Jodie... Hell's frozen over and Tom's here with me. Jodie - What? I mean... it didn't occur to me that, um... you know... (Andrew jo ins them) Dad! You remember Daria Morgendorffer. And this is Tom Sloane. Andrew - Sloane? You're not Angier's boy, are you? Tom - As a matter of fact, yeah. Andrew - Great guy. And how's your lovely mother, Katherine? Tom - You know my mother? Andrew - I just had the pleasure. We're up for membership at Winged Tree and she 's on the board. Forget politics. That's power. (laughs) (Tom simply stands there, unsure of how to respond. Daria and Jodie, however, kn ow exactly how: they're embarrassed.) SCENE 21 - ASHFIELD COMMUNITY FOR THE ARTS (Jane and Alison enter the dining room. Each is carrying a tray of food.) Jane - I can't believe I let you talk me into this. Alison - You can't eat in your room forever. Why go to an artists' colony if you 're not going to mingle with your fellow artists? Jane - That's like saying why go to a penal colony if you're not going to mingle with your fellow... I think I'll stop there. Alison - Come on, I know they'll warm up to you if you give them a chance. Jane - Um, are we by any chance conversing across parallel dimensions? Alison - I'll bet you dinner I'm right. Jane - You're on, sucker. (The girls approach the table where Paris, Jet, and some unidentified guy are si tting.) Alison - Mind if we join you? Jet - Not at all. Alison - How's everyone liking the colony so far? Jet - I love it. It's so... freeing. Paris - And Daniel? That man is brilliant. He said my white-on-white painting wa s a stroke of inspiration. Guy - I'll bet you two have explored all sorts of strokes together. (Jet laughs) Man - Oh well, I suppose genius does have its prerogatives.

Jane - Well, I don't know if Daniel's a genius. Paris - No offense, Jane, but aren't you still in high school? How much can you know about art at this point? Jane - Excuse me? Alison - Paris, we all had to submit a portfolio to be accepted here. I'd say Ja ne knows quite a bit about art. Paris - I'm sure you're right. I apologize. Are you guys ready to go? (the three bid their goodbyes to Jane and Alison as they get up and leave) Jane - Gee, that was fun. But in the future, let's save time and just roll aroun d on gravel. Alison - Sorry about that. I guess I owe you one. Jane - You owe me dinner. SCENE 22 - THE "OKAY TO CRY CORRAL" BUS Mr. O'Neill - (singing to "Row, Row, Row Your Boat") "Brush, brush, brush your t eeth, using good hygiene, up and down and up and down and floss until they gleam ." Everybody! Kids - (singing halfheartedly) "Brush, brush, brush your teeth, using good hygie ne, up and down and up and down, floss until they gleam." (Daria, meanwhile, can't hear a thing; she's wearing a pair of those earmuffs us ed by airport employees who work around jet engines. Mr. DeMartino, however, has no such protection, and is barely keeping himself from going postal.) (Later, at the camp, the kids are painting in the activity room.) Mr. O'Neill - Remember, don't think about what you're doing, because I don't rea lly want a painting from you. I want a painting from the child within. Girl - It's so pretty out. Can't we go for a hike? Please? (the other kids join in and also plead to go outside) Mr. O'Neill - Now, campers. I wouldn't be a very caring counselor if I let you r un higgledy-piggledy through the poison ivy and ticks. One day there'll be time to explore the woods, after we explore ourselves. (all the kids sigh) Mr. DeMartino - Well, well, Josh. What have we here? A football player? May I in quire why? Josh - My child within wants to be a winner. Everyone knows football players are winners. Mr. DeMartino - I see. Obviously, your definition of a winner is a degenerate sl acker with pigskin for brains, an unshakable desire to sleep through class, and a lifetime goal of excelling at arm noise contests while never, ever doing any h onest work of any kind! Is that right?!

(Josh starts crying and runs away) Mr. O'Neill - Oh, my gosh. Anthony, what happened? Mr. DeMartino - I, uh... Timothy, I think I may have spoken too harshly to a cam per. Mr. O'Neill - Oh, no. Was he traumatized? Mr. DeMartino - I'm no good at working with young people! Why, oh, why did I eve r think I could? (all the other kids suddenly start cheering) Boy #1 - Josh is the worst bully at camp. Girl - I hate his child within. Boy #2 - Hooray for Uncle Anthony! (all the kids start cheering for "Uncle Anthony") Mr. DeMartino - Oh... thank you, campers! (Meanwhile, Daria is watching in dismay as Link paints a horribly depressing pic ture: a dark, hunched-over figure standing in the rain next to a tree with no le aves.) SCENE 23 - THE GRIFFIN HOUSE (David Sorenson is sitting with Sandi at the dining room table. Sandi doesn't lo ok like she's having a very good time.) David - Okay, let's talk about the rise and fall of the Roman Empire. In 753 B.C ., Romulus and Remus... Sandi - (interrupting) Um, excuse me, is this going to take long? I still have a few accessories left to buy for my date tonight. David - Well, look. Rome wasn't built in a day, if you know what I mean. Sandi - Good one. Might I suggest then that we finish this session at Cashman's? David - Sandi, if you're not going to take this seriously... Sandi - Are you implying that I can't shop and give you my attention? Because I don't think that's the sort of confidence-building a tutor is supposed to provid e his student. David - (frustrated) We're not going to the mall. Sandi - You academics aren't very understanding of the pressures facing normal p eople. Nevertheless, if we leave now, I'll buy you a sno-cone. David - Forget it. I quit. (picks up his books and leaves) Sandi - Geek. SCENE 24 - THE BLUM-DECKLER HOUSE

(This time, it's Tiffany that's under the gun, only Tiffany isn't annoyed. How c ould she be, when she's totally absorbed with holding a compact up to her face a nd applying makeup?) David - Steinbeck was perhaps best known for his poignant novel about the "Okies "... Tiffany - Uh-huh... David - A heavy metal band famous for having a baboon on bass. Tiffany - Uh-huh... (David grabs the compact out of her hand) Tiffany - Uh, why'd you do that? David - Because I'm not here to watch you put on makeup. Tiffany - But... I don't mind. David - Well, I do. Now, if you did your reading, you'll recall that Steinbeck w as... what are you doing? Tiffany - This toaster's really shiny. David - Later. (picks up his backpack and leaves) (For a few moments, Tiffany doesn't even pick up on the fact that David has left . Then...) Tiffany - (finally turning around) Huh? SCENE 25 - THE ROWE HOUSE (It's Stacy's turn now, just to make the set complete. Unlike Sandi and Tiffany, Stacy actually seems to be trying.) David - During the Reconstruction, Southerners complained that the newly install ed government officials were nothing more than carpetbaggers. Stacy - They were making fun of their butts? Wait, that would be saddlebaggers.. . (David gets a look on his face: "You can't really be that stupid, can you?") Stacy - (upset) Oh, no... that's the look my mother always gets when I say somet hing stupid. I'm such an idiot. I'll never get anywhere in life! David - At least you're trying. Unlike Sandi and Tiffany, whom I had to drop. No w, the carpet... Stacy - Wait -- you dropped them? David - Yup. The carpetbaggers... Stacy - Why didn't they tell me? I'm being shut out. I can't believe this is hap pening to me. I knew this was going to happen to me. Oh, why did I wear that but terfly clip?

(Stacy runs off, crying, leaving David alone to wonder what the hell happened.) SCENE 26 - CONGRESSMAN SACK'S OFFICE (Jodie is sitting at a desk, slowly feeding piles of paperwork into a shredding machine as the phone rings.) Jodie - Congressman Sack's office. Hey! How's it going? (split-screen between Jodie and Mack, who's in his ice cream truck) Mack - Terrible. You want to go to a movie Saturday? Jodie - I have to pull a double shift at the crisis center. Mack - You know, I never see you anymore. Jodie - I know, but look at it this way. I'm wasting away the summer stuck insid e all day. At least you get to drive around in your nice white suit ringing your little bells. Mack - Hey, you think it's funny that I have to do this?! Jodie - Who said it was funny? (the other line rings) I got to get this. I'll ta lk to you later. (hangs up) Kids - We want ice cream! Mack - (hangs up) Yeah... later. SCENE 27 - THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE (Daria is alone in her room, reading a book, when the phone rings.) Quinn - (shouting from off-screen) Daria! It's that Tom! Daria - (picks up phone) Hello? Tom - Hey, it's me. I was wondering what you're doing tonight. Daria - Actually, I'm... not feeling that well. (split-screen between Daria and Tom) Tom - Still? Then can I bring you a bowl of soup? I'll even throw in a couple of goldfish crackers. Or real goldfish, if you prefer. Daria - Thanks, but I'm kind of beat. I think I'll pass. Tom - Daria... is everything all right? Daria - Never better. I mean, except for this cold. Tom - You know I'm leaving for the cove in a week, right? I won't see you for a month. Daria - I know. Um, a month's not that long. Tom - All right. Call me if you feel like getting out, okay?

Daria - Sure. (As they hang up, Daria leans back and gets a "dammit, why is this happening to me?" look on her face.) SCENE 28 - THE "OKAY TO CRY CORRAL" (Mr. O'Neill is talking to Link in his office. Link is obviously not happy to be there, but then, that's no different than what we've seen so far.) Mr. O'Neill - Link, I asked you to stop by because I've noticed you seem a littl e bit... subdued. Link - I was gonna say miserable, but okay. Mr. O'Neill - Growing up is kind of like being a kite, isn't it? We want to fly, but we don't really trust ourselves to cut the parental string and soar with th e birds. (chuckles) Link - A kite doesn't fly if you cut its string. It blows around in the wind for a while and then crashes. Mr. O'Neill - Exactly. Just the way we... Link - You might know that if you ever took us outside. Mr. O'Neill - Oh, well, I... Link - What do you know? 'Cause it seems to me you spout out a lot of crap about loving ourselves, and that doesn't do any good to someone trying to figure out why his mother threw his father out for being a jerk and then went and married a bigger one. Mr. O'Neill - Oh, well, that certainly sounds like something we can talk about.. . Link - I don't want to talk about it. I want to go to a real camp where you run around all day doing stuff until you're too tired to think. Can we do that, "Unc le Timothy"? Mr. O'Neill - Well, you see, Link, much as I'd like to, we have to keep the othe r children's safety in mind. Link - (stands) That's what I thought. You don't really care about making kids f eel better. Mr. O'Neill - Of course I do! Link - Okay, then I guess the problem is just that you suck at it. (slams the do or as he walks out) Mr. O'Neill - It'll be okay. That was just Link's anger with himself talking. (s obs quickly, then recovers) (In the activity room, Daria is sitting with a couple of other kids when she spo ts Link stoming angrily towards the exit.) Daria - Um, keep up the good work. (she follows Link, catching up with him near the exit) Hey, everything okay?

Link - How can you stand this place?! Daria - Um, 'cause I'm one of the guards instead of the prisoners? Link - Yeah. Right. Daria - Look, you want to go for a walk? Link - (sarcastically) Outside? That would be dangerous. Daria - Tell you what. I won't say a word. It'll be just like going by yourself, except for the by-yourself part. (And with that, she opens the door and walks outside with Link.) SCENE 29 - THE HUNGRY PALETTE RESTAURANT (Jane and Alison are sitting at a booth, a bottle of wine between them.) Alison - God, I envy you, Jane. To have all that talent and focus at your age. Jane - Oh, come on. Alison - I wish I could be in high school again, knowing what I know now. Jane - A little perspective and you could sidestep all the torture, huh? Alison - No. (they both laugh and take a drink) Jane - Hell, I'd trade places with you in a minute. You're doing exactly what I want to. Making it on your own as an artist. Alison - Trying to, anyway. Jane - Hey, you'll do it. Alison - So will you. (they clink glasses) Little more? Jane - Why not? (Alison pours more wine into Jane's glass) Alison - You and your future. Me and my so-called career. I guess we've each got something the other would love to have. (Jane raises her glass while Alison takes a drink from hers, all the while weari ng a strange expression...) SCENE 30 - THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE (Jake and Daria are sitting in the living room on opposite couches. Each is read ing the paper as Helen walks into the room.) Helen - Daria? How are things at camp? (pause) Daria? Daria - Well, let's see. Tomorrow we're going to push the campers to their physi cal limits by having them make paper doll chains.

Jake - Ha! A joke... right? Daria - That's what I keep telling myself. (phone rings; Helen answers) Helen - Hello? Yes, this is Helen Morgendorffer. Kay Sloane? Oh, yes, hello! (split-screen between Helen and Kay) Kay - It's very nice to speak with you at last. I'm sorry we haven't met yet. Helen - Oh, yes, I know. Kay - In fact, that's sort of why I'm calling. We're having a little benefit for the Lawndale Art Museum we're calling the Starry Night Ball. Do you think you m ight like to attend? We could finally meet and do our bit for the arts. Helen - The Starry Night Ball? What a wonderful idea. Without the arts, what dis tinguishes us from animals, right? Daria - Well, let's see. Animals don't feel the need to suck up to wealthier ani mals. Kay - Wonderful. It's on September eighth, and tickets are a thousand dollars pe r couple. (Helen's face falls to the floor) Or you can buy a table for $5,000, b ut please don't feel obligated to do that. Helen - Um, did you say the eighth? Oh, dear, that's the weekend of the office r etreat. Well, I'll check to be sure, but... yes, I'm sorry. It was nice speaking with you, too. Good-bye. (hangs up) Whew... Jake - Damn it, Helen, I want to go to the ball! Daria - Yes, why should your wicked stepsisters have all the fun? Jake - I mean to hobnob with all those rich people. Clients... money... Daria - Hobnob? Helen - Jake, the tickets are a thousand dollars. Jake - A thousand bucks! Insensitive rich bastards! Don't they know some people have to work for a living?! Helen - Relax. I think she bought my excuse. Jake - Thank God. Daria - Thank God. Helen - Oh, dear... I hope they won't think we're cheap now. Daria - Who cares what they think? Helen - What's the matter with you? Daria - (stands) It's bad enough the rest of the town grovels at the Sloanes' fe et. Now I have to put up with it in my own home? (leaves)

Helen - Was I groveling? Jake - Was she joking? SCENE 31 - ASHFIELD COMMUNITY FOR THE ARTS (Jane and Alison are lounging on the floor in Alison's cabin. Jane is looking ov er a book of Alison's pastel sketches. Both are drinking more wine.) Jane - These pastels are great. Alison - Thanks. I wish the galleries felt the same way. Jane - They're nuts. Alison - I knew you'd get what I'm trying to do. Top that off? Jane - No, I'd better call it a night. I get cranky if I don't get my usual 12 h ours. (stands up) Alison - Come on, it's still early. I'm sure we can find something to do to amus e ourselves. Jane - Well, that's where the whole sleeping thing factors in. (yawns) I'll see you tomorrow. I'm exhausted. (walks to the door) Alison - (grabs Jane's arm to keep her from leaving) I can't let you walk home i n your condition. I'm going to have to insist that you lie down. Jane - No, really, I'm fine. Alison - (puts her other arm around Jane) I promise not to kick you out of bed i n the morning. Well, unless you're snoring. Jane - Thanks, but I... oh, God. (backs off as she realizes what's going on) Alison - What's the matter? I'm not your type? Jane - Um, Alison... I'm straight. Alison - Yeah, right. I don't think so. Jane - (getting upset) I'm not gay. Alison - (laughs) where have I heard that before? Wait a minute. Is this your fi rst time with a girl? Well, no wonder you're nervous. Jane - Alison... read my lips. I like guys. Alison - And hanging out with bisexuals in their bedrooms after they buy you din ner. Jane - Hey, I didn't know you were bi. And the dinner thing was settling a bet. Alison - Sure... settling a bet. I'm sorry, baby, but I never hit on straight ch icks. Jane - Listen, you've been really nice to me and all, and I really appreciate it , but I'm not interested in women.

Alison - You mean you're not ready to admit it. Jane - I gotta go. (She high-tails it out of Alison's cabin and rushes back to hers. As she closes the door, she leans on it with a stricken and confused look, as if she's been be trayed for the second time by someone she considered a friend.) SCENE 32 - LAWNDALE PUBLIC POOL (Kevin is surveying his surroundings by looking through the mouthpiece of a bull horn. Brittany is examining her hair, which is now a sickly shade of green!) Brittany - Eep! Kevin - Man, it's hard to see out of this thing. (Brittany runs over to Kevin) Brittany - Kevvy, this is terrible! That icky pool water is turning my hair gree n! Kevin - Wow, you really do have green hair. (teasing) Green hair, green hair! Brittany - Kevvy, it's not funny! Kevin - Ho-ho-ho! It's the jolly green babe. Brittany - Ooh... Kevin - Ho-ho-ho! Green babe. (Brittany stomps on his foot) Ow! Brittany - You big jerk! (Brittany starts chasing Kevin around the pool and pummeling him, then shoves hi m into the water and does it some more. The other kids take the cue and start do ing the same with each other until the head lifeguard blows her whistle to break things up.) Lifeguard - You two mess up one more time and you're fired. SCENE 33 - THE "OKAY TO CRY CORRAL" (The campers, plus Daria and Mr. DeMartino, are sitting in a circle. In the cent er is Mr. O'Neill, who is trying to engage the students in yet another feel-good exercise.) Mr. O'Neill - Now, everyone hold the hand of the person next to them while we al l visualize the same word: "trust." Curtis - But we've been sitting inside all day. Can't we go out and play? Please ? Mr. O'Neill - Now, Curtis, we're listening to our souls. It's much easier to hea r them indoors. (the kids sigh) Boy - Uncle Anthony, can't you talk to him?

Girl - You're such a great counselor. Mr. DeMartino - Um, Uncle Timothy... perhaps little Curtis has a point. Maybe fr olicking outdoors would offer a refreshing counterpoint to sitting in a circle l ike a quilting bee of shut-ins! Mr. O'Neill - Anthony, please. You're supposed to be setting an example. Besides , quilting can be very therapeutic. (alarm beeping) Now... oops. Time for my Ech inacea. I'll be back in a jiffy. Now everyone, hold hands and feel the warmth. ( walks away) (The kids reluctantly take each others' hand. A grumbling Mr. DeMartino does the same, only to find that his are now smeared with peanut butter.) Mr. DeMartino - Argh! Peanut butter! Sitting in circles... stupid songs... arts and crafts... cruel and unusual... hell! I can't take it anymore! (Mr. DeMartino runs over to the sink and rips it out of the wall with a grunt, t hen flings it through the nearest plate-glass window.) Mr. DeMartino - I'm going on a hike! (climbs out the window) (all the kids -- except Link -- cheer and follow him out the window) Daria - (to Link) Come on. Even I'll admit that was mildly amusing. Link - Whatever. Daria - Look, for what it's worth, when I was your age, I, um... had this friend who was kind of like you. The only people she liked were the ones in books, and she spent most of her time in her room convinced the world had been quietly tak en over by a race of idiot space aliens. Link - And then one day your "friend" grew out of it and went on to make many mo re friends, and now her life is one big bowl of cherries. Daria - Okay. Bad example. But maybe things would have been a little easier for my friend if she hadn't kept everything bottled up inside. You know, if she'd ha d someone to talk to. Link - Or maybe "she" did try talking, and the people just told her to shut up, or paid someone else to deal with her because they were too busy "listening to t heir souls." Daria - You think that's what's happening to you? Link - Hey, look around, Daria. Everybody's so busy being their own best friend, maybe they should try buddying up to the people they brought into the damn worl d, who never asked to be born. Daria - Oh. (uncomfortable pause) Link - So, what books does your "friend" like to read, anyway? Daria - Well, let's see. When she was 12, she was really into George Orwell... (Mr. O'Neill suddenly arrives, proving that he has the absolute worst possible t

iming of anyone on the planet.) Mr. O'Neill - Daria! Link! Having a little one-on-one session? Daria - Yes, and so by definition, it can't include... Mr. O'Neill - Daria, I knew you could do it. See? It's easier to "rap" with Dari a than with me, isn't it? A teen who's closer to your own age. But I'm just as c oncerned as she is about your well-being. (Link turns and gives Daria a look of betrayal) Link - I should have known. (leaves) Daria - Hey, wait... Mr. O'Neill - Oh. Did I say something wrong? (Daria simply glares at him, then l eaves) Oh, my. What happened to the window? Um... where'd everybody go? SCENE 34 - THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE (David and Quinn are at the kitchen table, in the midst of another tutoring sess ion) David - But when the workers stormed the Bastille, they only found seven prisone rs, and one of them was the Marquis de Sade. Quinn - Eww. David - That's more or less the way they felt. Quinn - Did Marie Antoinette really have the champagne glasses molded after her. .. you know? (giggles) David - We really should be focusing more on the politics of the Revolution, but that's what they say. If she'd been a different body type, we'd be drinking cha mpagne out of bowls. (they both laugh as Helen and Jake enter the room) Helen - David, I must say I'm quite impressed. I've never seen Quinn have so muc h fun studying. Quinn - That's because in school they only teach you the really boring stuff. Mo m? Dad? Did you know Marie Antoinette never said "let them eat cake?" That expre ssion comes from a story about a princess, written by Rousseau. Right? David - Right. Jake - Lousy tabloids. (uncomfortable pause) Helen - We've got to run. Bye. Jake - (offscreen) Wait... um, I was joking. Helen - (offscreen) You were not. Jake - (offscreen) I know.

Quinn - Was Marie Antoinette pretty? David - They said she was a great beauty. Of course, you won't find a lot of peo ple willing to call their absolute monarch butt-ugly. Quinn - David, do you think... I'm pretty? David - Sure. Quinn - By the way, have you been to Chez Pierre? Because it's really nice if yo u ever wanted to take me there. And it would be kind of educational, since we're studying French history and stuff. David - Thanks, but you don't want to be seen around town with an egghead. Your friends would behead you. (looks at watch) Well, that's about it for today. (gat hers his backpack and stands) Now, be sure to read the chapter on the Industrial Revolution, and don't forget your vocabulary words. I'll be back for more pedag ogy next week. (silence) Quinn? Pedagogy? That's one of the words. (leaves) Quinn - Yeah. Pedagogy. SCENE 35 - ASHFIELD COMMUNITY FOR THE ARTS (everyone is painting in the common room, with Daniel Dotson critiquing each wor k) Daniel - (to Jet) Excellent. The brushwork is very confident, and I love the str ained, almost antagonistic relationship with color. Really, you remind me of mys elf when I was young. Jet - Oh, Daniel. You're not old. Daniel - Well, I'm certainly young... at heart. Jane - Not to mention delusional of mind. (Jane puts down her brush and walks away. On the canvas, we see a dark painting of a woman trapped inside a small safe, screaming in frustration. The woman bear s a remarkable similarity to Jane.) (outside, Jane and Alison approach from different directions) Alison - Hey. Jane - Hey. Alison - Haven't seen you around. Jane - Oh, you know, the solitary artist. Look, I gotta be honest. That whole th ing that happened between -- I mean, didn't happen -- well, it kind of confused me. Alison - Me, too. Maybe I was hoping a little too hard and saw something that wa sn't there. Jane - But you said you never make a mistake in that, um... area. Alison - There's a first time for everything. Still want to be friends?

Jane - Sure. (Alison goes to hug Jane, who backs off slightly) Alison - Um, maybe we'll skip the hug. (Jane sees Daniel Dotson approach) Jane - Uh-oh... don't look now, but it's Toulouse le Dreck. Daniel - (to Alison) Ready? Alison - Just a minute. Daniel - I'll wait for you in the car. (pinches her butt before walking off) Jane - You're seeing him? Alison - He's not so bad once you get to know him. Jane - You said he went through more students than tubes of paint. You can't pos sibly think he gives a damn about you. Alison - Who's looking for romance? I just want to have a little fun. Jane - And if it's with someone who can introduce you to a few gallery owners, t hat's not so bad either, eh? I think I'm beginning to see how the art world work s. Alison - God, high school. It's all such a big deal with you guys. You take ever ything so seriously. (leaves) Jane - Like someone telling you you give off gay vibes just because they're tryi ng to get into your pants. SCENE 36 - THE "OKAY TO CRY CORRAL" (It's the last day of camp, and the kids are gathered around the front as Mr. O' Neill gives a good-bye speech.) Mr. O'Neill - Well, campers, before you go, let's take a moment to reflect on th e valuable lessons we've learned about ours... Boy - Let Uncle Anthony talk! Mr. O'Neill - ...um, about ourselves and the growth that only we can... Girl - Uncle Anthony! He's cool! Mr. O'Neill - ...um, the personal growth that... Boy - Growth my butt! Uncle Anthony! (kids clamor for "Uncle Anthony") Mr. DeMartino - Thank you, campers. Remember: if you feel yourself getting mad, go ahead! If someone's doing something to irritate you, tell them about it in de tail! And hike... whenever you feel like it! (the kids cheer)

Mr. O'Neill - I... I guess maybe I've been doing more harm than good... Mr. DeMartino - (embraces Mr. O'Neill) Thank you, Timothy. You've reawakened my hunger to enlighten. I want to teach again! Mr. O'Neill - Ooh... um, that hurts a bit. (laughs nervously) (Daria approaches Link as he heads for the bus) Daria - Hey, slow down. Link - Go to hell! Daria - Just hear me out. Mr. O'Neill didn't ask me to speak to you, and I would never tell him anything anyway, except my name, rank and homeroom number. Link - Yeah, right. Daria - Look, I'm not good at this kind of thing -- probably because I've never done this kind of thing -- but if you ever need someone to talk to, um... I'm ar ound. Link - I don't need anyone to talk to. Especially you. (Link walks away, leaving behind a very dejected Daria) SCENE 37 - THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE (The doorbell rings. Helen opens the door and finds Tom standing on the stoop.) Helen - Tom! Come in. Daria! Tom's here. Jake and I are so sorry we won't be abl e to make the museum benefit. Normally we love museums. In fact, we were thinkin g of seeing the Van Gogh exhibit this week. Tom - Um, that exhibit left a year ago. Helen - Oh... (chuckles nervously) (outside, Daria and Tom head down the walk towards his car) Tom - Well, at least you can be confident your mother's not addicted to sedative s. Daria - Hey, she didn't ask to be invited to that stupid fund-raiser. Tom - My mother was just trying to be nice. A lot of people like going to those things. Daria - Sure. Helping the little people while avoiding contact with them at all cost. Tom - Um, is something wrong? Daria - No. Tom - Come on. I had to beg you to come out tonight, and then the first thing yo u do is jump down my throat. What's going on? Daria - I don't know. It's the museum. And the country club. And your family. Yo

u know, your whole elitist world. Tom - It's not elitist. And it's not my world. Daria - Don't tell me. Tell Aunt Mildred tomorrow when you get to your private i sland. And be sure not to mention me to her, okay? Tom - What? Daria - It's obvious you don't want me mixing with your family, since you didn't ask me to the fund-raiser or the fireworks display. Tom - Daria, I didn't invite you to those things because I sure as hell didn't w ant to go and I assumed you wouldn't either. Right? Daria - Well, you still should have asked. Tom - You're right. Daria - Unless you just assumed your parents were gonna hate me. Tom - What? What are you talking about? My parents think you're great. They know you're really smart and headed for college and stuff. It's not like you're Jane . Daria - What do you mean, "not like I'm Jane?" Jane's smart. Tom - (oops!) Yeah, I know she's smart. But she could get a Ph.D or spend the re st of her days painting tiles, and her parents wouldn't care either way. If we d id that, our parents would have a fit. Daria - So what you're saying is Jane isn't up to your family's standards. God, you're a snob. Tom - Damn it, Daria! Quit trying to pick a fight with me! Daria - Excuse me? Tom - You attack my mother for inviting your parents to the fund-raiser, then at tack me for not inviting you. You say my family disapproves of you, I say they r elate to you better than Jane, and now I'm a snob. Daria - Forgive me for being a loyal friend. Tom - Why don't you say what you're really afraid of? The idea that you might ac tually start caring about someone. 'Cause that would make you vulnerable. Daria - Look, maybe we just jumped into this dating stuff too fast. Maybe we nee d to take a break. Tom - A break? From what? We haven't done anything! Come on, Daria! (Daria doesn 't respond) I don't believe this. (still nothing) Well, I'm not going to stand h ere and beg. (nope, nothing) Fine. Nice knowing you. (gets into his car, pounds once on the steering wheel, and drives away) Daria - (sadly) Yeah, nice knowing you. SCENE 38 - CASHMAN'S DEPARTMENT STORE (the Fashion Club is browsing in the Junior 5 section)

Sandi - Gee, Quinn, it's sweet of you to take time out from your studies to be w ith the friends you've neglected all summer. Quinn - Oh, Sandi, I just wish I were as smart as you so I wouldn't need a tutor . You know, David's kind of funny. Sandi - If by funny you mean extraordinarily unpleasant, I agree completely. Tha t's why I was forced to terminate his services. Tiffany - What a geek. Stacy - I know! And so... geeky! Quinn - But he said... Sandi - Yes? Quinn - Nothing. I guess David is a little geeky, although I wouldn't be surpris ed if some people thought he was cute, you know, in that brainy kind of way. Sandi - Quinn? Are you trying to tell us something? Quinn - Me? Oh, no, of course not! Ooh, look! Intermediate markdowns! (The distraction works, as Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany scramble over to the marked -down clothes.) SCENE 39 - THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE (Daria is alone in her room, laying on the bed and second-guessing her second-gu esses about Tom) Daria - Of course I did the right thing. He's from his world, I'm from mine. Nev er would have worked. I mean, unless I tried or something. (Quinn enters the room, holding a copy of Ethan Frome) Quinn - Here's your book. Daria - Um, that's not mine. Quinn - Oh, right. I borrowed it from David. Um, what do you think of him? Daria - Seems like a nice guy. And he obviously has a high threshold for pain. W hy? Quinn - No reason. Do you think he's... cute? Daria - Well, I suppose in that not-a-brain-dead-surfer kind of way. Quinn - Yeah... Daria - I know you may find this hard to believe, but looks aren't everything. Quinn - Really? Daria - See, there's this thing called personality? There's also liking the same things, having a similar sense of humor, being able to have five-minute convers ations without boring the living hell out of each other...

Quinn - Like you and Tom. Daria - Did I mention Tom? Quinn - Well, who else would you be talking about? You're obviously very compati ble. Daria - How would you know? Quinn - Daria, up until recently dating has been my major field of study! Daria - Well, you've never met his family. Quinn - You can't judge someone by their family. What if people judged me by... blech! Got to go. (leaves) Daria - That's it. Must... contact... intelligent... life. (picks up phone and d ials) (at Ashfield, Jane is sketching on her pad when Anaise climbs the stairs to Jane 's loft) Anaise - Hey. Call. (Jane picks up the phone) Jane - Hello? (split-screen between Jane and Daria) Daria - Hope you don't mind that I called. Jane - Daria! Daria - How are things going? Jane - Fine, fine, fine. Couldn't be better. Daria - Sucks, huh? Jane - Only in a mind-numbingly pretentious kind of way. Daria - Do you think, um, a familiar face might cheer you up? Jane - What do you mean? Like floating in space over the bed, saying my name ove r and over again in a creepy voice? Daria - Jane... Jane - Look, I don't really feel like any visitors right now. It's nothing perso nal. Daria - Wait... Jane - I don't want to talk about it, okay? Nothing you could say can change tha t. (pause)

Daria - I'll pay you. Jane - (laughs) Trent was going to drop by on his way to a gig. Maybe you can hi tch a ride. They can always use an extra person to push. (Daria lets out a small smile) SCENE 40 - LAWNDALE PUBLIC POOL (Kevin and Brittany are teaching a class on pool safety) Kevin - Now, this is called mouth-to-mouth regurgitation. Ready, babe? Brittany - Ready! (Kevin bends down and breathes into Brittany's mouth) Kevin - Did you see how I pinched Britt's nose to, like keep the air from gettin g out? I could just stick my fingers up there, but who knows what... Brittany - Oh, Kevvy! (And with that, Brittany grabs Kevin behind the neck and they start making out, right in front of the shocked kids. Just then, the head lifeguard shows up and b lows her whistle, scattering the kids.) Lifeguard - Peep show's over! Everyone scram! Hey, Romeo and Juliet... (blows wh istle) Kevin - Ow! Lifeguard - You're fired! SCENE 41 - LAWNDALE STREET (Mack is in his ice cream truck, catering to bratty kids as usual) Mack - Here you go. Girl - It's about time! Boy #1 - I want a fudgy pop! Boy #2 - Hey, I was here first! Boy #1 - Shut up, you jerk! Girl - This is dripping! (Kevin and Brittany approach the truck, still dressed in their swimsuits and whi stles) Mack - What are you doing here? Brittany - Oh, Mack, something terrible happened! Mack - It's okay. The sun isn't really gone. It's just hiding behind the clouds. Brittany - No! We got fired!

(Mack suddenly gets a calculating look on his face...) SCENE 42 - THE HIGHWAY (Trent is driving the Tank to Ashfield, Daria is riding shotgun, and the other b and members are sacked out in back) Daria - Trent... does it ever bother you that the speedometer is stuck at ten mi les per hour? Trent - Hmm... ten. That reminds me. Time for dinner. (Trent momentarily loses control as he pulls a candy bar out of his back pocket, sending the Tank swerving back and forth on the highway) Daria - Just for the record, the police generally don't like it when you drive o n the wrong side of the road. Trent - Tell me about it. (offers Daria a bit of the candy bar) Daria - No, thanks. Um... how's Jane been doing? Trent - Oh. Okay. Daria - I haven't talked to her much this summer. Trent - Well, you know. The Tom thing. Daria - Look, we... Trent - Hey, Janey knows you guys didn't mean to hurt her. She'll come around. T rust me. Daria - Yeah. Thanks, Trent. Trent - (singing) "Betrayal, yeah, a stab in the back. Betrayal, yeah, I'm stret ched on the rack. Betrayal, yeah, thrown out of the... thrown out of the..." Daria - Pack? Trent - (singing) "Thrown out of the pack. Betrayal... betrayal, yeah. Betrayal. .. betrayal... betrayal, yeah..." (Daria glances out the side window; this isn't what she needs to hear right now) SCENE 43 - THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE (David and Quinn are at the kitchen table, in another tutoring session) Quinn - ... and that's how Randolph Hearst's yellow journalism helped get the U. S. into the American-Spanish War. David - Close enou... Quinn - The Spanish-American War. David - You know, I had my doubts at first... serious doubts. But you've come a long way, Quinn. You should be very proud of yourself. Quinn - Thanks. Um, are you proud of me?

David - Of course. (puts his book into his backpack) And I want you to drop me a line at school and let me know how you're doing in class. Quinn - David? David - Yes? Quinn - Um... I like you. David - I like you, too. Quinn - No, I mean I "like" like you. David - ("now I get it") Oh. Look... Quinn - I mean, I never thought I could really "like" like someone who wasn't, y ou know, really cute -- not that you're uncute -- but you know what I mean. You don't try to be cute. Not that I would ever try to make you try to be cute. David - (after a moment of trying to figure that one out) Right. Quinn - Well? We can probably get in at least two dates before you go off to col lege. David - Look, Quinn, it's very flattering, and you're a really nice kid, but you 're not my type. Quinn - But I already told you! I don't care what you look like. David - Quinn, look, when I go out, it has to be with someone who has -- how can I put this? -- a certain amount of depth. Quinn - But I know stuff now! David - Yes, but why did you want to know stuff? So you'd be able to get into a party school. Talk about a lack of self-esteem. Quinn - I have tons of self-esteem! I esteem myself more than anybody! David - (stands) When it comes to appearance, but not in any areas that count. L ook at the losers you hang out with. No chance of feeling stupid around them. Quinn - Losers? But the whole reason I even thought of getting tutored was I kne w I could do better on the P-STATs than them. David - Than they. And I'm glad to hear that. It means you're starting to unders tand your potential. Quinn - So...? David - Quinn, you and I are in two different places, way too far apart to go ou t. You'd hate it, believe me. But it's a real big compliment. Keep studying and good luck. (leaves) Quinn - Yeah... good luck. (hangs her head in disappointment) SCENE 44 - ASHFIELD COMMUNITY FOR THE ARTS (the Tank pulls into the compound; Trent is still singing)

Trent - (singing) "Betrayal, yeah, you ruined my life. Betrayal, yeah, you're tw isting the knife..." Daria - Trent! Trent - Huh? Daria - That's not helping. Trent - Oh. Sorry. Um, you know how it is. Inspiration. (Trent parks the Tank, and they both glance at the sleeping trio in back) Trent - We'd better not disturb them. You got to wake Jesse up just right or he gets all disoriented. Daria - How can you tell? Trent - (laughs/coughs) You're funny, Daria. (they start walking towards Jane's cabin, Daria carrying a duffel bag) Trent - Anyway, don't go crazy over this Tom stuff. Even Janey said you make a g ood couple. Daria - You mean made. We're not going out anymore. Trent - Really? Why? (they arrive at the cabin; Trent knocks on the door) Daria - A lot of stuff. Mainly I got weirded out by his family. Trent - But you weren't dating them. (Jane opens the door and sees Trent and Daria standing there) (in her loft, Jane is showing Daria her paintings; they're dark and harrowing, s uggesting the state of mind of someone who's not having a very good time) Jane - Someday the curators will look back on these and say they're from my "art colonies suck" period. Daria - Curators? Jane - Criminologists? Daria - You know, when it comes to art, you and Link have a lot in common. I'd i ntroduce you, if he didn't loathe every fiber of my being. Jane - This Link situation really bothers you, huh? Daria - Serves me right for breaking my cardinal rule and trying to reach out to a lost soul. Jane - Any kid who looks to you for nurturing is more than just lost. Daria - (frowns) Gee, thanks.

Jane - Hey, I call 'em like I see 'em. SCENE 45 - LAWNDALE HOMELESS SHELTER (Jodie is dishing out soup) Homeless Man - This soup bites! Jodie - Then don't have a fourth bowl. (Mack walks up to Jodie; his hands are behind his back) Jodie - Mack! (to her co-worker) I'm going to take five. (Mack and Jodie sit at a table; he hands her a bouquet of roses) Mack - These are for you. Jodie - Aw... that's sweet. I've missed you so much. Mack - Wow. I got to buy you flowers more often. Anyway, I got them to celebrate . I quit my job yesterday. Jodie - Oh, Mack... summer's not even over. And it was such a piece of cake. Mack - Piece of cake? Working in a dirty, cramped truck all day for minimum wage ? What would you know about it with your glamour jobs and your golf lessons? Jodie - What's the matter with you? I'm on your side, remember? Mack - I'm sorry. It's just... wearing that white suit, serving those little bra ts... I felt like some kind of house slave in Gone With the Wind. It's just not the way I thought the summer would go. Jodie - Hey, you're no house slave. You owed your father some money. You were do ing the stand-up thing and trying to pay him back. No big deal, you'll find anot her way. Mack - I paid him back a week ago. Jodie - Oh! So how come you didn't quit then? Mack - I wanted to make a little more money so I could take you out for dinner a t Chez Pierre. Jodie - Oh, Mack, that place is so expensive. Mack - I can afford it... for once. Jodie - I don't need Chez Pierre when I have a guy like you. (hugs his arm) Wait a minute. Who's driving the truck? (we now see who's handling the truck: it's Kevin and Brittany) Brittany - That'll be... $1.60. (takes money) Babe, how much change do I give ba ck? Kevin - Um, let's see, $1.60 minus five is $4.40. Girl - But I gave you a five.

Kevin - Right. $5.40! (the kids look at each other, and each has the same thought: "we've struck paydi rt!") Boy - I'll have a sno-cone and a Popsicle. Kevin - Let's see, that's a ten, so I owe you... Boy - $12.20. Kevin - Right! (all the kids start clamoring for ice cream; you get the feeling that Kevin and Brittany aren't going to be making much money) SCENE 46 - THE CLUB GLAMOUR LOUNGE (This is where Mystik Spiral is playing: a seedy-looking bar that's barely one s tep above Lawndale's grunge club, the Zon. Daria and Jane are in attendance.) Jane - The guys here are a lot better-looking in person than on their wanted pos ters. Daria - Now I understand why people go to the bathroom in groups. Jane - Don't worry... I promise not to meet a new boyfriend and leave you alone between sets. I've learned my lesson. Daria - Okay... speaking of Tom, I guess you heard we broke up. Jane - I don't read the papers, remember? Daria - I thought Trent might have said something. Jane - Nope. Daria - Questions, comments? Jane - Please tell me you're not trying to get my sympathy after blowing me off for my now ex-boyfriend. (Jane heads to the bar; Daria follows) Daria - You mean he blew you off for me. Although if you recall, that's not the way it happened. Jane - No, I meant you blew me off for him. You wanted to go out with him regard less of what it did to our friendship. Daria - Hey! You stopped talking to me, remember? After you broke up with him an d said you didn't care if I dated him. Jane - And you believed me? Daria - I'm confused. What are we fighting about here? Jane - We're fighting about you, Daria Morgendorffer, being dumb enough to think a boyfriend is worth screwing up a really good friendship for. A really importa

nt friendship. Daria - (genuine remorse) I'm sorry if I did that. Um, I really missed you this summer. Jane - (genuine forgiveness) Well, I really missed you, too. Only don't ask me t o sleep over. Daria - Huh? Jane - Nothing. (sees Trent approaching, and goes into full "tease mode") Oh, he y, Trent? I meant to tell you. You guys have a gig tonight. Daria - (joining in) You better start soon or you'll miss your next break. Jane - Unless you take your next break now. Daria - In which case you better take it on stage. They'll never think of lookin g for you there. Jane - And while you're up there, maybe you could play something. Oh, wait, that 's what they're paying you for. Never mind. Trent - You guys are weird. (heads back to the stage) Jane - So what'd you miss most about me? It was my joie de vivre, wasn't it? Daria - If you really want to know, it was your damn aura. Jane - Wow, you did spend the summer with Mr. O'Neill. Daria - I mean your aura of confidence. I drifted through summer in a perpetual identity crisis, questioning everything I said and did. Jane - That's funny, 'cause I... Daria - And I kept thinking about you, up here doing your paintings, making your jokes, being Jane Lane. Jane - Being Jane Lane's what I do best. Daria - Precisely. You know exactly who you are, and nobody's ever going to con you into thinking you don't. I wish I'd had you around just as a role model. Jane - You know, you're absolutely right about me. Daria - Gee, shall I attempt further heights of ego inflation? Jane - Please do. (suddenly, feedback emerges from the speakers as Trent takes the microphone) Trent - Hey. We're Mystik Spiral. And this one's for Daria and Jane. Daria - I hope it's not "You Are So Beautiful." Jane - Oh, please make it "Close to You." Mystik Spiral (singing) - "When the aliens come, when the death rays hum, when t he bummers bum, we'll still be freakin' friends! When the whip comes down, when

they nuke the town, when dead clowns can't clown, we'll still be freakin' friend s! Freakin' friends! Freakin' friends! Till we come to bad ends, we're freakin' friends! Freakin' friends! Freakin' friends! Till we come to bad ends, we're fre akin' friends! Freakin' friends! Freakin' friends..." (Daria and Jane glance at each other, their friendship healed... then both girls glance at the ceiling at yet another Mystik Spiral "masterpiece.") SCENE 47 - ASHFIELD COMMUNITY FOR THE ARTS (Daria and Jane are heading for the Tank. Daria is discussing her situation with Tom.) Daria - I just couldn't get past all that upper-crustiness. I felt like the poor cousin in a Henry James novel. You know, someone to be tolerated until she gets run over by a horse and buggy. Jane - Yeah, the Sloanes definitely come from the land of the Muffys. But it's n ot like they're jerks or anything. I just ignored the money and concentrated on the incredibly well-stocked refrigerator. Daria - Yeah. Look, why don't you just come back with us? Jane - I don't know. Some kind of dumb-ass notion about seeing this through, I g uess. Anyway, it's just another two weeks and then we'll be back at school! Wait ... what's my point? Daria - That life sucks no matter what, so don't be fooled by location changes. Jane - You really should write fortune cookies. Daria - Call me when you get back. Jane - All right, freakin' friend. (starts to walk away, then stops and turns) U m, I don't believe I'm about to say this, but... you should give Tom another sho t. He's not a bad guy. And you could use the recreation. Daria - Um, what about the whole you-stabbed-me-in-the-back-how-could-you thing? Jane - I think I actually am over that. As opposed to when I said I was over it but was really still under it. Daria - Yeah, right. Jane - Seriously. Give it some thought on the way back. Daria - I don't think so. Jane - Or converse with the band. The choice is yours. (And with that, Jane walks away, leaving Daria to the tender mercies of Mystik S piral and her own thoughts.) SCENE 48 - THE MORGENDORFFER HOUSE (Daria is on her bed, reading, when Quinn walks into the bedroom) Daria - No, those sandals don't make your toes look fat. Quinn - So David was right. I am superficial.

Daria - At least you know your strengths. (she glances up and sees the look on Q uinn's face: devestation) He really called you that? Quinn - He said he only dates girls with "depth." Daria - How did it even come up? (Quinn's look gets deeper) Oh, boy. You asked h im out? (Quinn turns away and starts crying) Daria - Quinn, you're, um, not as superficial as you act. I'm sure you just feel obliged to stress the moronic aspects of your personality so you'll fit in bett er with the fashion drones, like a mask you wear 'cause you think they wouldn't like the real you. Quinn - You mean sort of the way you keep people away by being really unfriendly and stuff? Daria - Hey, we're talking about you here. (pause) You really liked that guy, hu h? (Quinn nods) Well, he certainly wasn't what we intellectuals call a totally b uff hottie, so if you saw past his looks, you can't be completely shallow. Quinn - Thanks, Daria. Damn it, I even told him I liked him! I never do that! Daria - Quinn... sometimes you reach out to someone and all you get back is a sl ap in the face. (sees Helen appear in the doorway) Quinn - Then why even bother? (Daria waves Helen back) Daria - I guess because, um, you got to give people a chance. Otherwise, there's no point to the whole being-human routine. Quinn - Why? David didn't give me a chance! Daria - Sure he did. Wasn't he going to quit before you begged him not to? Quinn - Yeah. So? Daria - So you learned a whole bunch of stuff and found out you don't have to be a dummy if you don't want to... because he gave you a chance. (Helen figures it's time to intervene) Helen - Quinn, I... Quinn - Okay, thanks for lending this to me. A Journal of the Plague Year. Sound s fun! (laughs nervously as she leaves) Helen - (approaching the bed) "Give people a chance." Sounds like good advice. Daria - That crap? Helen - (exasperated) Oh, Daria. Here, this came for you... (She hands Daria an envelope. Rather than open it, however, Daria simply gives h er a "how about some privacy, please?" stare.)

Helen - ...and I guess I'll go see how Quinn is doing. (leaves) (Daria opens the letter. It's from Link: "My stepfather sucks. E-mail me if you want." Daria finally got through to him, which brings a tiny smile to her face.) SCENE 49 - LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL (the Fashion Club is walking down the hallway) Quinn - Agh! This heat is making my lip gloss all runny. Sandi - Tell me about it. It's so hot we can't even wear our new fall clothes. Stacy - They should really start school in November. Tiffany - I know... Ms. Li - (over P.A.) Welcome back, students, and remember, the school nurse is i n and ready to take your voluntary urine sample. Show your Lawndale High spirit with the gift of urine! (P.A. clicks off) Fashion Club - Eww...! (later, in Mr. DeMartino's class) Mr. DeMartino - All right, which of you promising young people would like to sha re your definition of Manifest Destiny? (Quinn raises her hand, then lowers it at a look from Sandi. She hesitates only a moment, though, then confidently raises her hand again.) Mr. DeMartino - Ms. Morgendorffer? Did you want something? Quinn - "Manifest Destiny" was a phrase politicians used to say that God wanted the U.S. to keep expanding west all the way to the Pacific ocean. Because why bo ther owning the country if Hollywood wasn't included? Mr. DeMartino - Ahh, Quinn, that's very good! Thank you for making my day reward ing. (class starts to murmur amongst themselves; up until now, Quinn has never shown she has a functioning brain) Sandi - Gee, Quinn... I hope that little foray of yours into Geekland just now i s the result of heat exhaustion, and not an unpleasant side effect of all that t utoring. I mean, you're not turning into a brain, are you? Quinn - (undeterred) Sandi, just because someone can answer a simple question do esn't mean they're a pedagogue. (Sandi wants to respond, but can't: she doesn't know what Quinn said, which brin gs a smile to Quinn's lips.) SCENE 50 - LAWNDALE STREET (Daria and Jane are walking home from school) Daria - So, I guess I got through to Link after all, and all it cost me was a ge nerous period of self-doubt followed by a bracing stint of self-hatred.

Jane - See? Not every human is a manipulative, opportunistic letch, or at least that's what I'm told. Daria - You didn't make any friends at that art colony, did you? Jane - Nope. Well, except this one girl, until she got fresh. (that one brings Daria to a halt) Daria - You're not kidding. Jane - As much as I'd like to gain your sour perspective on the whole sordid inc ident, it's gonna have to wait. I think someone's looking for you. (Tom pulls alongside Daria and Jane in his new Rustmobile) Jane - Whoa! Nice car. Where's Jeeves? Tom - I killed him for his uniform. How are you doing? Jane - I'm okay. (inclines her head in Daria's direction) She's pretty okay, too . Tom - Yeah, I know that. Hey, Daria. Daria - Hey. Tom - Want to go for a ride? Daria - Actually, we were just... Jane - ...saying good-bye. I'll call you later. (leaves) (Tom opens the passenger door for Daria, and they drive away. When they reach th e Morgendorffer house, he pulls in front and stops the engine.) Daria - Thanks for the lift. Um, I guess I should be going. (starts to leave) Tom - Just hear me out. Okay? Daria - Sure. (quickly settles back into the seat) Tom - There's nothing I can do about the club, my family, the whole thing. And y es, I can see where all of that could make you uncomfortable. Daria - Thank you. Tom - But would you also agree that maybe I was right when I said this dating st uff is new to you, and you're afraid of getting hurt, and maybe you were looking for an out before you got too pulled in? (pause) Daria? Daria - Maybe some of that's true. Tom - Well, here's the deal. I want to start seeing you again. We can take it sl ow, but you've got to at least try to trust me. I really like you, Daria, but I don't want to waste any more time if you're not going to give it a chance. (paus e) Please? (Daria mumbles)

Tom - Daria...? Daria - I want to try again, too. Tom - Don't say any more. I hate it when you get all mushy. Daria - Yeah, I don't like it, either. Okay, then, I'm glad. See ya. (Daria gets out of the car, and just as Tom prepares to pull away, she jumps bac k in and they kiss... all of which is observed by Helen through the bay window o f the house.) Helen - Oh, Jakey, do you realize what a momentous summer our girls have had? Qu inn learned she's smarter than she thought, and Daria has her first boyfriend. Jake - It's summer already? Helen - (exasperated) Jake... (Jake turns around, revealing the mischievous grin on his face. He finally made a joke!) Helen - You made a joke, didn't you? Jake - Yep! Old Jake was joking! Helen - I like a man with a sense of humor. Jake - (seductively) Why'd the chicken cross the road? Helen - I don't know. Jake - Well, you're about to find out! Helen - Oh! (Helen starts laughing and whooping as Jake begins to tease her and chase her ar ound the living room. Outside, the sun slowly sets behind Daria and Tom, and on an eventful summer in Lawndale.) (closing credits)

Episode Guide Transcripts Is It College Yet? TV Movie Written by Glen Eichler and Peggy Nicoll (Transcript created by Mr. Orange and Richard Lobinske) NOTE: Material from the original MTV broadcast that was omitted in the DVD release appears in red text. (opening theme song) SCENE 1 - PIZZA PLACE Jane - I must say I'm honored you've chosen to spend your valuable Saturday nigh t with me. What happened? Tom's parents send him off for more forty-watt bulbs?

Daria - I was just craving a bit of sisterhood, so long as it doesn't involve my actual sister. What'd you do today? Jane - I actually accomplished something... I mean, other than getting up. I app lied to Lawndale State and State University. Daria - Really? Why? I thought you wanted to go to Boston Fine Arts College? Jane - I do want to go to BFAC, but unlike Lawndale State and State U, you have to have talent to get in. So they give you extra time to put together a killer a rt portfolio. Daria - How's that going? Jane - Why, it's going so well that when you called to go out, I only cried tear s of relief for ten minutes. What about you? Still thinking about... (snooty acc ent) ...Bromwell? Daria - They don't really talk like that there... I hope. Anyway, I'm applying b ecause it's an outstanding university, not because the students engage in the re ctal transport of steel rods. Jane - The Equestrian Club must be in constant pain. Daria - I probably won't get in, anyway. They're big on wide-ranging extracurric ulars. Jane - Damn well-rounded crap. What about your safeties? Daria - I've applied to Raft, Ellis, Lloyd... Jane - Raft's your safety? Gutsy, Morgendorffer. Daria - No, no, no. Raft's my second choice. My parents won't think I've sent ou t enough applications if I only get rejected from one place. Jane - Hey, Raft's in Boston, right? Wouldn't it be great if we went to college in the same town? We could meet on the weekends to eat pizza and complain. Daria - Well, they say college is all about broadening your horizons. SCENE 2 - MORGENDORFFER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM (Jake and Helen are seated on the sofas; Jake goes through the mail, while Helen is reading a legal brief) Jake - (holding a bill) Gaaaah! Six hundred dollars for shoes? That you walk in? On the ground? Helen - Relax, Jake. I'll take care of it. (stands up) Quinn! I want you to come downstairs and explain yourself! Daria - (entering by the front door) Finally, the mystery will be solved. Quinn - (coming from the kitchen, speaking on phone) Sandi, I know you're not co lor blind, I'm just saying tangerine isn't as orange as... (sees look on Helen's face) ...call you back. (hangs up) Sorry, Fashion Club crisis. Helen - Never mind. What's this six hundred dollar charge at Cashman's?

Quinn - But Mom, I actually saved money by buying faux alligator instead of real alligator, and I helped save the animals, too. Daria - Oh, yeah. You got a thank-you note from the International Brotherhood of Alligator Wrestlers. Helen - Well, you can also save your excuses. The shoes are going back. Quinn - But I can't return them. Final markdown. However, if it makes you feel b etter, I promise never to buy on sale again. Helen - You're not buying anything, period, until you pay off this bill. Quinn - I understand. I shall require a substantial increase in my allowance. Jake and Helen - No! Quinn - But you know I don't have any money. It's why I have to buy on credit. L et's work together, Mother, and attack the problem at its source. Helen - Good idea. You'll have to go out and get a job. Quinn - Uh! (coughs) Water. (runs to the kitchen) Daria - Hope she doesn't get any on the shoes. Jake - Gah! Helen - Sit down, Jake. She's not wearing them. (to Daria) Shouldn't you be work ing on your college applications? Jake - Hey, yeah! You know, Daria, I'd be happy to give your application to Midd leton a quick going over. I think I know a thing or two about what they like at the old alma mater. Daria - Ummm, gee, thanks. Yes... I... uh, you're right. I should be working on my applications. Right now. (gets up from the sofa, and goes upstairs) Helen - You know, Jake, just because we went to Middleton doesn't mean Daria wil l. She's applying to a lot of different places. Jake - Oh, sure. But why would she want to go to just any old college when she c ould follow in our footsteps? Middleton's a Morgendorffer tradition. Helen - So's military school. Jake - Bite your tongue, Helen. No daughter of mine is ever going to share a lat rine with fifty hateful boys who can sniff out weakness like day-old cheese. Helen - Let's hope not, dear. SCENE 3 - SLOANE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM (Daria and Tom seated on sofa with video game controllers; Tom is animated, Dari a is calmly sitting upright working controls) Tom - Say your prayers, you marrow-sucking creatures from beyond death! (sound o f explosion from TV) Yeah! (he turns to Daria) How come you didn't send out the zombie sweeper? Are you sure you're trying?

Daria - I don't know. Pulverizing Beelzebub's flesh-eating lackeys just isn't as much fun as it used to be. (they set controllers down and Daria picks up the TV remote) Tom - Maybe there's something more uplifting on TV. You know, like maybe a movie about pulverizing Beelzebub's flesh-eating lackeys. (television screen of geeky guy at computer, typing; after a couple of seconds, flame erupts from monitor and engulfs him, leaving only a skeleton) SSW Announcer - Everyone hates the message board miscreant, but now you can do s omething about it! Flame wars: the next generation, tonight on Sick, Sad World! Daria - Finally, news you can use. Finish your college applications yet? Tom - All except Bromwell's. Mom and Dad want to want to review the alumni secti on to make sure I didn't leave anyone out. Daria - That shouldn't take more than a week or two. Tom - So a few people in my family have gone to the school. That sort of thing d oesn't count like it used to. Now, you actually have to know stuff to get in. Daria - Or donate a building. Tom - That was my uncle, and it was only a wing. Daria - Yeah, they probably didn't even notice. Tom - Did you ask about going up to Newtown to visit Bromwell with me? Daria - It's cool with my mother as long as your mother's definitely chaperoning and we can drive up to Boston afterwards to check out a couple of other college s. Tom - That's the plan. Boston's where all my safeties are. Daria - Umm, mine, too. Tom - Hey, don't worry, Daria. You'll get into Bromwell with your incredible tes t scores and grades. I'll get in the old fashioned way: bribery and nepotism. Daria - Gee, when you put it that way, it all sounds so fair and just. SCENE 4 - GOVERNOR'S PARK RESTAURANT (the Fashion Club members are seated around a table) Stacy - Guys, it is so nice of you to take me out on my birthday. Sandi - Our pleasure, Stacy. We would never leave you alone on your birthday wit hout a date. Tiffany - Brr. Sandi - Just because the rest of us had dates on our birthdays... Stacy - Oh, yes, Sandi. You mentioned that. Boy, I can't believe I'm another yea

r older. Time goes by so fast. Quinn - I know. Just yesterday I was playing with makeup starter kits, and today I'm being forced out in the working world. And I thought these were supposed to be the carefree years. Stacy - I know, Quinn. Why don't you get a job here? There are lots of cute guys , and the hostesses get to dress up and wear hoopy earrings. Sandi - Stacy! Are you suggesting that a Fashion Club member serve the public? Tiffany - Stacy, tsk. (Stacy whimpers) Quinn - Uh, geez, Sandi, it's not that bad an idea. This place is sort of fun, a nd it wouldn't be like the kind of job where you'd endanger your nails or anythi ng. Tiffany - Mmmm... good point. Sandi - Fine, if you want to sully the fine name... (a waitress approaches, bearing a cake with a lit candle on top, and places it i n front of Stacy) Tiffany - Surprise... Quinn - Make a wish, Stacy! (Stacy is about to blow the candle) Sandi - And don't worry. I'm sure that chocolate won't cause your sensitive skin to break out. (Stacy blows the candle out) Quinn and Tiffany (clapping) - Yay! Stacy - Thanks, guys. Sandi - What'd you wish for? Stacy - Ummm; nothing. Sandi - Come on, Stacy. Tell us! Don't be your usual drippy self. Stacy - Nothing. Anyway, it didn't come true. SCENE 5 - LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL - CAFETERIA (Jodie and Mack are having lunch) Jodie - How did your father's meeting at the bank go? Mack - Not good. My Dad says I can't go to Vance unless they give me a scholarsh ip. We can only afford State University, and they don't even have a business sch ool. Jodie - Oh, Mack. You've worked so hard. You've just got to get that scholarship

. Mack - Would you mind calling the committee and telling them that? Jodie - I'll even tell them how cute you look when you study. Mack - What about you? How are your applications going? Jodie - Well, I got the big ones in today. Turner and Crestmore. Mack - Crestmore... the dream of dreams. Jodie - Hmmm. Mack - What's wrong? Jodie - It's a top school and everything, but I'd really rather go to Turner. Mack - Your father's alma mater? He must love that. Jodie - He doesn't know I applied. Mack - Why? Jodie - Because he wouldn't let me go anyway. He says not even a great African-A merican college like Turner can beat the Crestmore name on a resume. To say noth ing of the bragging rights it'll give him on the golf course. Mack - Oh, man. That sucks. Jodie - You know, my grandmother was in the first Turner graduating class to adm it women. I'd be carrying on a tradition. Plus, I'd finally get a break from hav ing to be the perfect Jodie doll at a mostly-white school. Mack - I hear that. Jodie - I wish my father did. I can always transfer to Crestmore after a year or two. At least, I'd find what Turner's like. But his mind's made up. Mack - Well, Crestmore hasn't accepted you yet. Jodie - Hey, maybe we should both go to State University. Then we wouldn't have to worry about how to get together on weekends. (Brittany and Kevin enter) Brittany - Hi, Jodie. Hi, Mack. You know, I applied to State University, too. Th ey've one of the best cheerleading squads in the country. Mack - God help me! Jodie - Ummm, that's nice, Brittany. Kevin, do you know where you're going? Kevin - It's a secret, man. Mack - Why? Is the school embarrassed? Kevin - Why would it be embarrassed? I'm a QB. It's not like I'm a brain or anyt hing.

Mack - Truer words were never spoken. Kevin - Thanks, man! SCENE 6 - LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL - O'NEILL'S CLASSROOM (O'Neill is at his desk, grading papers) O'Neill - (sighs) Tsk, tsk. Oh, Kevin. Well, maybe you'll find a job that doesn' t require the ability to read and write. Barch (OS) - I'm so depressed! O'Neill - Janet! (Barch stands just inside the door) Barch - Do you know what today is? D-Day, the fifth anniversary of my D-vorce. F ive years since that lazy, no good, self-proclaimed man had his cowardly deserti on of me legalized. O'Neill - Janet, I'm sorry. (Barch advances toward O'Neill) Barch - You're sorry? You didn't spend years of your life telling him again and again to get his grubby hands off of the remote, quit his damned coughing, stop behaving like an imbecile, only to be tossed into the trash like a broken record ! O'Neill - Um, Janet! I can certainly understand your, um, sadness. (cut to DeMartino, who overhears the conversation and looks flabbergasted, with one eye bulging) O'Neill (OS) - Why, marriage is a sacred union that's supposed to represent the love and trust two people... (cut to O'Neill and Barch) Barch - Skinny, what did you say? O'Neill - Marriage is a sacred union that... Barch - Yeeees! O'Neill - Euh... yes? Barch - I accept! O'Neill - Um, hmmm, huh? Barch - My silly, silly Skinny. You don't have to ask again. Yes, I will marry y ou! (close-up of DeMartino - both his eyes are bloodshot) (camera back to O'Neill and Barch) O'Neill (while Barch kisses him) - Oh, dear!

SCENE 7 - MORGENDORFFER HOUSE (Kay and Tom arrive in front of Daria's house, driving a white car; cut to Morge ndorffer living room; Daria is coming downstairs carrying a suitcase, Helen is l ooking outside by the window, and Jake is sitting on the sofa, reading his newsp aper) Helen - Daria, the Sloanes are here. Daria - Remember, if I'm not back in Lawndale in four days, don't send anyone ou t looking for me. Jake - Hey, is Middleton is on this whirlwind college tour of yours, kiddo? Daria - Umm, not this trip. Jake - Oh, um, Daria, you know, some people just aren't cut out for military sch ool. Daria - I know, Dad, but I think it's admirable the way you've managed to pull y our life together despite that early trauma. Jake - Hey, thanks kiddo. I... What? Helen - Now Daria, when you meet the college representatives, please try to be e nthusiastic... less unenthusiastic...? (sighs) At least promise me you won't phy sically assault anyone. Daria - Relax, my pom-poms are packed. (Doorbell rings) Daria - Good Attitude Land, here I come. (Daria opens door to reveal Tom) Tom - Ready? SCENE 8 - GOVERNOR'S PARK (the manager escorts the newly-hired Quinn to the hostess station, which is curr enly manned by a tall blonde with a ponytail) Michael - Lindy, this is Quinn. I just hired her to be our new hostess. Lindy - Great! I can really use the help. Have you done hostessing before? Quinn - Actually, um, this is my first job. Lindy - Really? Are you still in high school? Quinn - Umm, yeah. Although, people say I dress like I'm older. Lindy - Well, this isn't all that different from high school, except instead of telling teachers your homework isn't ready, you're telling customers their table isn't ready. And they can't take a single point off your grade. (Quinn laughs)

SCENE 9 - SLOANES' CAR (Kay is driving, Tom in front passenger seat and Daria in back seat) Kay - Tom, if I'd known you were going to wear those scuffed-up sneakers, I woul d have bought you new ones. Tom - But I just got new ones a year ago. Kay - That's exactly what your father would say. You two are so stuck in your wa ys. Tom - We're stuck in our ways? (imitating his mother) Two sugars, a tiny slice o f lemon would be dreamy, just place it on the saucer, dear, I don't like it in t he cup. Kay - (small laugh) I can't help if I'm particular about my tea. Oh, look. We're here! (car pulls into the Bromwell University campus) SCENE 10 - GOVERNOR'S PARK Shawna - Boy, did I do well tonight. A lot of the guys trying to distract their dates from their toupees by leaving big tips. Quinn - Hmm. Must be first dates. Lindy - Really? Why? Quinn - Well, not that I date inconsistent tippers, but some of my friends say t hat guys tip twenty percent on the first date, seventeen on the second, and fift een on the third. Although to be fair, a lot of people order more food on the th ird date because they're not as worried about looking like pigs. (Lindy and Shawna laugh; after a moment, Quinn laughs, too) Shawna - Quinn, you're a riot. Quinn - I know! Lindy - Hey, I don't know if you guys are interested, but my roommate and I are having a party on Saturday. Shawna - Sounds cool. Quinn - I'd love to go! Lindy - Great. Let me write down my address. SCENE 11 - LANDON HOUSE - LIVING ROOM (Andrew Landon is reading the paper as Jodie enters the room) Andrew - You call that a tax cut? I've seen haircuts more drastic. Jodie - Um, Dad? Could I talk to you a second? Andrew - Sure! What's on your mind?

Jodie - Well, I've been thinking a lot about Crestmore, and a lot about Turner. Andrew - Turner's a great school. Not nearly as elite as Crestmore, though. Jodie - That's just it. I don't want to go to an elitist school. Andrew - Sure you do. Jodie - I want to go to a school where I fit in, where I can be myself and relax for once and really focus on learning. I want to go to Turner. At least for a y ear or two. Andrew - You want to go to college to relax? That doesn't sound like my Honor So ciety daughter. Jodie - Relax socially; stop being the black kid, and just being a kid. I'm tire d of being in the extreme minority, and I don't want to go to a place where peop le might think I got in just because I'm African-American. Andrew - Let people think what they want. Jodie - But Dad, you don't know what it's like. You went to a black high school and then to Turner. Andrew - Because I HAD to. If I had a Crestmore degree in my pocket... Jodie, th eir graduates are literally running this country. Think of how that degree can h elp you catapult ahead. I'm not saying your life won't be harder until you gradu ate, but it will be a hell of a lot easier after. Four years versus the rest of your life. Where is that Landon spirit? (Jodie looks crestfallen) SCENE 12 - LANE HOUSE - JANE'S BEDROOM (Jane is using an arc welder on a sculpture; she stops and raises her face shiel d as Trent enters) Jane - What's shaking, bacon? Trent - (sniffs air) I don't smell anything. Hey, cool sculpture. It's like a co mment on the underbelly of pain... or something. Jane - Actually, it's a comment on BFAC's incredibly high admission standards. D o you think it needs more lima beans? Trent - Nah. Um, why do you want to go to art college? You're already an artist. Jane - I know. But I want to be a starving artist, so I need to ring up more deb t. Trent - Well, I'd never go to music school. I wouldn't want any teachers trying to corrupt my vision. Jane - And that is their evil plan. Trent- Tell me about it. I mean, can you imagine what Spiral would sound like if we were, like, forced to practice, even when we don't want to? Jane - Umm... oh, lookie, missed a spot. (Jane quickly resumes her work)

SCENE 13 - BROMWELL UNIVERSITY CAMPUS Kay - There it is, Tom: the place where your father and I met. I was a sophomore , Angier was a senior. It was a free concert by the Carpenters. Daria - Um, I hope you weren't injured in the ensuing riot. Tom - Well, I guess Daria and I better go in for our meetings. Don't want to get points off for being late. Daria - Especially when we can get them off just for being ourselves. Kay - Little chance of that, I'm sure. I'll see you later. Good luck! Tom - Thanks. Daria - Thanks. Your parents met at a free Carpenters concert? Tom - Not only that, I'm pretty sure my Dad had cotton in his ears, just in case the music got too raucous. SCENE 14 - BROMWELL UNIVERSITY - ADMISSIONS OFFICE Tom - Hi. We have appointments to see Lisa Goldwin. (clock goes from 3:00 PM to 3:45 PM) (Lisa steps out of her office with Tom) Lisa - So that's why the skating rink has that sign saying "clothes required." Tom - Well, according to my grandfather, anyway. Then again, his motto is, "neve r let the truth get in the way of a good story." Lisa - (shaking hands with Tom) Tom, it was really nice meeting you. Tom - You too, Lisa. Daria, I guess it's your turn. See you later. Lisa - Come on in, Daria. Are you as full of Bromwell lore as Tom? Daria - Um, I doubt it. He seems to be really full of it. (inside Lisa's office) Lisa - Daria, now that you've had a chance to drink in the campus, so to speak, what are your impressions. Daria (VO) - Talk about the atmosphere? No, that's frivolous. The resources? No, she'll think I mean money. The campus? No, shallow. Oh no, inappropriately long pause. Talk, say anything. Daria - Ummm, I like the campus, the dorms, and, um, libraries... the learning.. . feeling? Daria (VO) - The learning feeling? Could I be any less articulate? Lisa - Yes, we like those things, too. Tell me, Daria, aside from gaining a firs t-rate education from one of the finest faculties around, why did you want to at tend Bromwell?

Daria (VO) - Should I talk about wanting to be a writer and hoping Bromwell will help me find my voice? Oh, God, how pretentious can I get? Daria - Um, well, I guess I'm hoping that if I come here, I may be exposed to, u m, points of view I never considered. Lisa - Right, education. But what are you hoping to reap from your Bromwell expe rience? Daria (VO) - Reap? Reap... reap reap! Daria - Um, I hope to reap... Daria (VO) - God, what does she want? Daria - Ummm, a chance to grow...? Daria (VO) - I did not say that! Lisa - You're asking me? Daria - Um, well, I think at Bromwell, I can, umm... Lisa - Find your voice, perhaps? Daria - Hmm, yes, exactly. Find my voice. Daria (VO) - Note to self: stop thinking so much, Morgendorffer, you idiot! Lisa - Daria, is everything all right? Daria - Ummm, do you think we might possibly start over, and this time, I'll jus t answer your questions instead of agonizing over them internally and then blurt ing out something asinine? Lisa - (laughs) Sure. SCENE 15 - LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY (Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy at Quinn's locker) Quinn - And so I seated this one couple right next to this other couple, and all of a sudden, the guy at the first table started screaming at the girl at the se cond table. I mean, how was I to know that she dumped that guy for the other one ? Stacy - Quinn, that's terrible! Quinn - I know! The first guy was a lot cuter. (sees Sandi approach) Hey Sandi! Stacy - How are you? (Sandi moves lips but no sounds come forth) Quinn - What did you say Sandi? (Sandi does it again; still no sound) Tiffany - Whaaat?

(Sandi glares, then writes something on a notepad she passes to Quinn) Quinn - (reading notepad) Can't talk. Laryngitis. Sandi! You lost your voice! (Stacy inhales sharply; we now get a clue as to what her birthday wish might hav e been) SCENE 16 - BROMWELL COFFEE HOUSE (Daria, Tom, and Kay are seated around a table, drinking coffee) Daria - So once I stopped worrying about what to say and just said it, I thought the interview went okay, but by then, I'd used up five of my fifteen minutes. Tom - Your interview was only fifteen minutes? I mean... Daria - Ummm, we should probably be get going if we want to make Boston by dinne r. Tom - Right. Mom? We should be... Kay - Look, Tom. It's Bill Woods. Tom - You're right. (turning to Daria). He's a lit professor here; he was also i n the lawn tennis team with my father. Daria - Of course. Bill - Kay! Tom! I don't believe it! Why didn't tell me you were coming to town? Kay - Well, I knew we'd only be here for the day, but... please, Bill, do join u s! Bill - Actually, I'm on my way to a meeting. MacArthur winners get so testy if t hey're kept waiting. How about lunch tomorrow? Tom - Umm, Mom? Kay - We'd love to, but I'm afraid we have to go to Boston and look at some othe r schools. Bill - Really? You mean, there are other schools? (Bill and Kay laugh) Kay - Oh, I'm sorry. Professor Woods, this is Daria Morgendorffer. Daria, Profes sor Woods. Daria and Bill - Hello. Bill - Well then, how about a 7:30 breakfast? You can still make Boston by noon. What do you say, Tom? You can update me on your interview here. Maybe I can eve n throw a little influence your way. Not that you'll need it. Tom - That would be great. Daria had an interview, too. Bill - Then it's a date. I'll see everyone tomorrow in the faculty dining room. Kay - Daria, you don't mind, do you?

Daria - Umm. No, it's fine. Kay - You know, it never hurts to know the faculty. I'm sure he'd be happy to pu t in a good word for both of you. Daria - Right, although he failed to say so. Tom - Hey, about tomorrow. I don't really need to visit any more colleges, so we can go straight to Raft. Kay - Perfect. Daria, you'll have plenty of time to see the campus. SCENE 17 - BROMWELL FACULTY DINING HALL (Daria, Tom, and Kay are waiting for Bill) Tom - (looks at his watch) Mom, Bill was supposed to meet us at seven-thirty. It 's eight. Kay - I promise. If he's not here in another... there he is! (Bill enters and sits down) Bill - Sorry I'm a little late, but I just couldn't get my publisher off the pho ne. He does love to chat. SCENE 18 - SLOANE'S CAR (dashboard clock in car shows 9:30 AM) Kay - Well, the worst of rush hour should be over, so with a little luck, we'll be in Boston by one. Tom - Yeah, that'll be plenty of time. (the car arrives in very dense traffic) Kay - Oh dear. (thunder is heard) Oh my. SCENE 19 - GRIFFIN HOUSE - SANDI'S BEDROOM (only Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany are present) Stacy - (reading from Sandi's notepad and imitating Sandi's voice) "And so, due to her inability to manage Fashion Club meetings and a minor part-time job, Quin n has been granted permission to take an officially sanctioned sabtical..." (San di points to notepad) "...sabbactical..." (Sandi points more urgently) Tiffany - Let me help. (takes notepad) "Saaaa..." (Sandi grabs notepad, writes something and shows it to Stacy) Stacy - (reading from notepad) "Vacation from her vice-presidential duties." Tiffany - Ooohhh. (Stacy lets out a nervous laugh) SCENE 20 - BOSTON - RAFT COLLEGE

(the Sloane's car arrives at the entrance of Raft under heavy rain) Kay - Daria, my sincerest apologies for arriving here so late. (dashboard clock indicates 4:30 PM) Tom - Mom, it's not your fault. It's raining, and there was that pile-up, and th en that really slow truck. Kay- Well, if only I could learn to drive a little more aggressively. Daria, if you like, maybe we could stay on an extra day. Daria - Um, I don't think the Admissions Office is open on Saturday. Kay - Oh, dear. Well, let's at least drive through the campus and try to get som e sense of it. Tom - Wow, deserted. Well, we've learned that Raft students know enough to come in out of the rain, huh Daria? Kay - Daria, just let me know if you want to pull over. Tom - Good thing we didn't get to Bromwell this late, huh? (Daria looks out the rainsoaked window, scowling) SCENE 21 - UNKNOWN RESTAURANT O'Neill - Janet, about our... situation, and all. I was thinking... things are m oving awfully fast. Barch - Exactly. None of this long engagement crap. We've got to get cranking be fore my eggs dry up! O'Neill - Janet, we really have to talk. Barch - We'll live at my house. Your house, with all those plants and macram... w ell, pardon my French, but it's just too damn artistic. O'Neill - See, Janet, that's what I mean. This talk about moving in... Barch - Better yet, we'll get rid of both our places and buy a new one that does n't reek with the scent of that loser ex-husband of mine. Now, about the honeymo on, I've always had an itch to learn parasailing. O'Neill - Oh, dear! SCENE 22 - MORGENDORFFER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM Helen - (on phone) Absolutely, Eric! Accidents can happen. Listen, they're bound to have pictures of seagulls covered in oil; maybe we can have pictures of sail ors covered in guano. Okay, Eric, bye. (disconnects phone and waves OS) (Daria enters carrying suitcase) Helen - Daria, how was your trip? Daria - Let's see. We spent so much time at Bromwell that we only had time for t he drive-by tour of Raft, but I can safely report it has nice smooth roads. Helen - Oh, that's a shame. But, at least you got to see Bromwell. What did you

think? Daria - Well, it's pretty obvious you have to be in Who's Who to teach there, th e libraries are big enough to park a jumbo jet in, and what can I say about the dorm room's high speed computer lines, except that hacking the Pentagon just got a whole lot easier. Helen - That sounds wonderful! Daria - Yeah. The only drawback is trying to find your classes through the fog o f smugness. Helen - Yes, it's a small price to pay for a Bromwell education. Daria - Remember that when I come home on break referring to you and Dad as "the farmers." Helen - I mean that the school's high opinion of itself isn't completely without merit. Daria - So you don't care either that I never got to see Raft. Helen - What? (Jake enters carrying stack of mail) Jake - Hey, Daria! Guess what came in the mail? The Middleton course catalog! An d guess what? They've eliminated all the requirements, so you can take whatever you want! Daria - You know, Bromwell isn't the only university in the world. Jake - Bromwell? I was talking about Middleton. (Daria sighs) Jake - Wait a minute! Bromwell's not a military school! Yeah, Bromwell! Great id ea, Daria! Daria - Leave me alone. (goes upstairs) Jake - What's the matter with her? (Helen sighs heavily and leaves the room) Jake - (reading second pamphlet) "Will you accept our gift of a dollar just to a nswer a few simple questions about potency?" Yeah! SCENE 23 - LINDY'S APARTMENT (ONE SIDE OF A DUPLEX) (living room filled with college students; a beer keg is in one corner) Lindy - Hey, Quinn, glad you could make it. These are my friends, Cain and Don. (Quinn, Cain, and Don greet each other) Lindy - Quinn works with me at Governor's Park. Cain - I love Governor's Park. They hire such pretty women.

Quinn - (laughs) Ooh! Don - What's your major? Quinn - Um, I don't have a major per se. I'm kind of still in high school. Cain - High school? Lucky... not! (Lindy, Ken, and Don laugh) Quinn - But I'm planning on going to college. Lindy - College is absolutely essential. The concerts and parties are so much be tter. Quinn - I know. I heard "Boys R Guys" are coming. Don - Yeah. Can you believe it? Are they bad enough? (Lindy, Cain, and Don laugh) Lindy - Awful. Quinn - Yeah! They're terrible! So, what bands do you guys like? SCENE 24 - LANE HOUSE - JANE'S BEDROOM (Jane is photographing some of her art pieces) Jane - I can't submit you to BFAC. You suck. (looks around) You all suck, too. ( sighs) Or maybe it's time for Janey's sugar break. (Jane enters living room; Trent is asleep in the sofa) Jane - Oh, look, this month's mail. (grabs two envelopes from a large pile pile) Wow, State University and Lawndale State. (opens first envelope and reads) "We regret to inform you that..." (throws letter away, opens second envelope, and re ads) "Due to an unprecedented number of applications..." Damn (drops letter). (Trent wakes up) Trent - Huh? Jane - Both the colleges I applied to rejected me. I knew I shouldn't have taken the math portion of my SATs. Trent - Oh. Hey, sorry. Wasn't there some other college? Jane - BFAC? They're waiting for my portfolio. Hmm. No point in busting my ass t o finish that. Trent - No kidding. Who are these people to judge you, anyway? Jane - What do you mean? Trent - Hey Janey, if they could create art, they wouldn't be teaching it. Jane - You know, you're actually beginning to make sense. Why waste four years l earning a bunch of useless technique and theory I'll probably just have to unlea rn if I ever want to create my own style?

Trent - Works for me. Jane - What's the point of Lawndale State? Or even BFAC? Galleries won't care if I have a degree. In fact, I bet most artists don't go to college. Trent - Why would they? Unless they wanted to avoid the draft... or their parent s made them... or they followed some girl there... or they were showing a movie. .. or... Jane - Trent! Trent - Huh? Jane - I've come to a decision. I'm not going to college. Trent - Good plan. Jane - You and I will pursue our muse together, hunker down here in our creative bunker, periodically issuing forth new works that will invariably rock the art and music worlds, respectively. Trent - Hmmm. This isn't going to require of me to get up for breakfast, is it? SCENE 25 - LINDY'S APARTMENT Shawna - And when my friend woke up, they had stolen his liver. (gasps from peop le around) That's what he said. Although the way he drinks, it's possible he jus t left it in a bar somewhere. (laughs) Quinn - I wonder who her designer is? Lindy - I know, Alicia's dress is awesome! Quinn - You like it? Lindy - Sure. That's what you meant, right? You weren't trashing her? Quinn - No, of course not. Lindy - I didn't think so. You're not the type who has to build herself up by pu tting others down. I hate people like that. Quinn - Yeah, me too. (examines a mirror with a multicolor tiled frame) This mir ror is so pretty. Where did you get it? Lindy - I made it. Quinn - Really? You know how to make glass? Lindy - I bought the actual mirror, but I painted the tiles and put the frame to gether. I'll make one for you if you like. Quinn - Lindy, that's really, really nice, but I can't pay you right away. Lindy - Quinn, don't be silly! It's a gift. I make mirrors for all my good frien ds. I'm gonna grab another beer, and then you can tell me what colors of tiles y ou like. Quinn - Okay.

SCENE 26 - MORGENDORFFER HOUSE - DARIA'S ROOM (Daria typing at her computer when the cordless telephone rings; she stops to an swer it) Daria - Hello. (split screen with Tom sitting on sofa) Tom - Hey, Daria. Up to anything? Daria - Just my usual nefarious tricks, and I'm working on a short story. Or at least it was twenty pages ago. Tom - Want to take a break and go to the Hitchcock Festival? Rope is playing. I thought a film about bumping off your Ivy-League classmate would help us get in the spirit for next year. Daria - Hmm. I'll admit, a good murder movie never fails to cheer me up. Tom - How about we meet there? It'll save me some time if I don't have to swing by your place on the way. Daria - Sure. Tom - Great! See you inside at seven-thirty. (he turns off telephone and split s creen ends) (Daria shuts off phone and resumes typing; after a couple seconds, she stops and picks up telephone, hitting a speed-dial; back to split screen with Tom as he a nswers on first ring) Tom - Hello. Daria - On second thought, I really shouldn't leave my protagonist all alone jus t after her eyeballs have burst. How about later in the week? Tom - Um, okay. Give me a call when you're free. Daria - Okay, bye. (she hangs up and split screen ends as she resumes typing) SCENE 27 - LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL - O'NEILL'S CLASSROOM (O'Neill is preparing the day's lesson, when he notices an envelope slid under t he door) O'Neill - Huh? When will Ms. Li stop trying to collect fingerprint samples? (he picks up the envelope; on it is written "TIMOTHY" with letters cut out from magazines) O'Neill - Oh. (he opens the envelope to reveal a single sheet of paper; also in cut-out letter s is the message, "MEET ME AT THE LIQUID DINNER AT EIGHT") O'Neill - The Liquid Dinner? SCENE 28 - LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY

(Quinn looking into a mirror inside her locker and fixing her hair) Quinn - I hate bad bang fluff days. Stacy - (comes running) Oh, Quinn! I have to talk to you about something just aw ful! Quinn - Hum, Stacy, if this is about how your little toe is all knobbly... Stacy ll, I and, late - Not that. You know when didn't mean to, but Sandi well, I wished she'd just to take back the wish and I made that birthday wish at Governor's Park? We was talking and it was ruining my concentration, shut up and I blew out the candle and it was too then Sandi came down with laryngitis!

Quinn - That's terrible! It's like that movie where that lady put that curse on that guy and he kept losing weight, although I still haven't figured out what wa s supposed to be bad about that. Stacy - I don't know what to do, and I don't want to tell Sandi, because you kno w how her eyes get all narrow and her lip curls and she gets that lizard face. Quinn - Stacy, this is easily solved. Just lift the curse. Stacy - But how do you do that? I didn't know I was cursing her! Quinn - God, Stacy! What do I look like, a whodoo expert? I don't know how to li ft a curse. You're gonna have to find someone who does. SCENE 29 - LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY (cheerleaders Angie, Lisa, and Nikki are talking in front of lockers when Britta ny enters) Brittany - I'm so excited! I just found out I got in the Great Prairie State Uni versity! Angie - You did? Me too! Lisa - So did I! Nikki - Me, too! Brittany - Wow! It was really nice of them to take all of us! Lisa - I know, especially after everyone else said no. (Kevin enters) Kevin - Hey, how's it going? Brittany - Kevvie! Guess what? Practically the whole cheerleading squad is going to Great Prairie State University. Kevin - That's nice, babe. (leaves) Brittany - Wait, where are you going? Kevin (OS) - Practice.

Brittany - Ooh! Angie - Brittany? Didn't you mean where's he going to college? Brittany - Hey, yeah! Nikki - Brittany, isn't football season over? Brittany - Hey, yeah! Kevvie! SCENE 30 - LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY (Jodie is putting up a poster for a used books sale next to a trophy case when M ack approaches) Mack - Hey, shake the hand of a Vance University man. (holds his hand out in an exaggerated gesture) Jodie - You got the scholarship? Oh, Mack! That's great! (shakes his hand) Mack - You're actually shaking my hand? Jodie - Oh, Mack! (hugs Mack) Mack - Is something the matter? Jodie - What could be the matter? Everything's perfect. (begins to cry) I got in to Crestmore. Mack - (hugs a crying Jodie) Crestmore took you when Turner didn't? That's weird . Jodie - I got into Turner, too. Mack - (releases Jodie) What? But didn't you tell your father that's where you w ant to go? Jodie - I tried, Mack, but he's right. Crestmore is gonna open doors for me that Turner never could. I think it's a better choice. (stops crying) Mack - No, you don't. Look at you! You're miserable! Jodie - I don't want to talk about it anymore, okay? I told you, I want to go to Crestmore. (runs away crying) SCENE 31 - LAWNDALE - SIDEWALK (Daria and Jane are walking back from school) Daria - This college waiting game sucks, although it does provide the unexpected benefit of taking my mind off of every other aspect of my life. Jane - I know the feeling. Well, I did know the feeling. Or, at least, kind of k new the feeling. Daria - Wait, you heard from BFAC? Jane - Um, no. Daria - When do you send in your portfolio?

Jane - See, the thing is, Daria, after much thought and consideration, I decided not to bother. I don't need college to be an artist. Oh, look! Someone drove in to the Munson's pool again. Daria - You what? Jane - Now, Daria. I've talked this over with Trent... Daria - Oh, now I'm reassured. Jane - It's not completely my choice. I got rejected by Lawndale State and State University. And I filled in the little lines so neatly, too. Daria - Oh, sorry. But, you said yourself their art teachers couldn't even draw Spunky. Jane - Exactly, and if college is about placing your fate in the hands of such u ntalented dopes, it just seems like a colossal waste of time. Besides, you know me, I gotta be footloose. Daria - The phrase you're looking for is screw loose. You can't let two rejectio ns from places you don't even want to go make you afraid to try again. Jane - You know, Daria, not everyone goes to college. In fact, get past the Sloa ne-esque snobbery, and you'll realize there are a lot of really successful peopl e with mere high school diplomas, or no diplomas at all. Daria - I'm not saying everyone has to go to college. I'm saying old footloose J ane Lane doesn't know all there is to know yet about art or anything else, and m ay be making an ill-advised decision to end her education based on temporary, if admittedly justified, disappointment. Jane - Daria, you're so predictable. I knew you were going to try to talk me out of this. Daria - Is that why you brought it up? Jane - Look, Dr. Freud, I appreciate your concern and all, but our 45 minutes ar e up. See you later. (they arrive at Morgendorffer front door; Jane continues walking) Daria - "Sloane-esque snobbery?" (Daria then notices a large stack of mail waiting in front of the door) SCENE 32 - MORGENDORFFER HOME - LIVING ROOM (Daria enters carrying mail) Daria - Envelope big and thick: good. Daria - (sits on sofa and reads letter from large envelope) "Welcome to Raft." G reat, one down. (Daria picks up a small envelope from Bromwell). Daria - Envelope small and thin: not good. (Opens envelope and reads letter) "Th ank you for your interest in Bromwell... record number of qualified applicants..

." Waiting list! "This year's list is exceptionally long due to the high volume of..." Well, I guess that's settled. (Helen enters) Helen - Daria, is everything all right? Daria - I got into Raft. Helen - You did? Congratulations! Daria - Don't put on your party hat just yet. I've been wait-listed at Bromwell. Helen - Oh. Daria, I'm sorry. Although Bromwell's still not out of the question. Daria - You're right. The entire incoming class could still be stricken with a c rippling disease, moving me up a couple of notches on the waiting list. Helen - Honey, I know you're disappointed, but Raft is a great university, and i t's smaller the Bromwell so you'll probably get more individual attention. Daria - Says the woman who thinks Bromwell is a magic carpet ride to success. Do n't patronize me. Helen - Don't patronize me, Daria. I haven't changed my opinion of Bromwell, but I haven't changed my opinion of Raft, either. It's a wonderful school. Daria - It's just not the wonderful school. (Daria leaves the living room) SCENE 33 - THE LIQUID DINNER BAR Bartender - One Mai Tai. Don't remember the last time I made one of these, much less tasted one. O'Neill - Really? They're very refreshing, quite citrusy. Bartender - Yeah, that's what our customers come in for, the citrus. (DeMartino taps O'Neill's shoulder) O'Neill - Anthony? DeMartino - Timothy, forgive me if my actions are presumptuous, but I cannot sta nd idly by when a colleague and friend teeters on the precipice of unimaginable misery. O'Neill - Oh, really? It's very refreshing. The citrus adds a tang... DeMartino - I'm talking about your espousal to the she-devil who walks among us! O'Neill - Umm... huh? DeMartino - You... Barch... Engaged! O'Neill - Eep! You sent me the card! But, how did you know? Bartender - What'll it be, bub? DeMartino - I'll have the same, whatever it is.

O'Neill - We're keeping our engagement a secret because of Ms. Li's rule about f aculty fraternization. DeMartino - The one school regulation I heartily agree with. But, I happened to overhear your proposal, or lack thereof, and Timothy, I cannot be silent! I'm go ing to help you, help you be strong, help you stand up for yourself, help you ta ke back the night! O'Neill - You'd do that for me? Oh, Anthony, I felt so scared, so alone. (starts crying) You're my best friend in the whole world. DeMartino - Now, now, Timothy, there's no need for that. You'd do the same for m e. Oh, God, I'm getting dewy-eyed. (starts crying) (O'Neill and DeMartino cry on each other's shoulder; the bartender tastes one of the cocktails) SCENE 34 - MORGENDORFFER HOME - DARIA'S BEDROOM (phone rings) Daria - Hello? Tom (OS on phone) - Hey, Daria. Daria - Hi. (split screen with Daria on the right) Tom - What's the matter? Daria - I can't do a thing with my hair. Oh, and I've been wait-listed at Bromwe ll. Tom - Wait-listed? Nobody gets in from the wait-list. Daria - Stop being so diplomatic, would you? Tom - God, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to blurt that out. I'm just shocked. Daria - I did get accepted to Raft. Tom - I can't believe it. I was sure you'd get in. Daria - Did I mention that I was accepted at Raft? Tom - Yeah. I mean, that's good. Daria - Try to control your enthusiasm. Tom - I said that's good. Raft's a really good school. Daria - Hmm, what about you? You hear anything? (Tom doesn't answer) You got int o Bromwell. Tom - That's sort of why I was calling. Daria - Well, surprise of surprises. A Sloane at Bromwell. Tom - Hey, come on, Daria. It wasn't a sure thing.

Daria - Your uncle built them a wing. The only thing that might have kept you ou t of Bromwell is a murder conviction, and even then, only if you'd killed the De an of Students. Tom - Hey, it's not my fault you had a shaky interview. Daria - Yes, well, nothing like dropping a few ancestor anecdotes to convince th em of your qualifications. I got into Raft without any interview at all. Tom - I'm not gonna touch that one. Daria - What are you saying? I got in because they didn't meet me? Screw you! (s lams phone down) SCENE 35 - LAWNDALE - MOVIE THEATER (Quinn and Lindy walk down aisle and find seats) Lindy - Quinn, I'm so glad you wanted to see A Kiss Before Heaven. I can't help myself; I'm a sucker for those tear-jerkers. Quinn - Are you kidding? I love hospital room movies. And I hate seeing them wit h guys. They always get mad because nothing blows up. Lindy - Guys love explosions, and rocket attacks, and death rays. They don't und erstand how much more fun it is to watch someone die slowly. Quinn - I know! (Lindy and Quinn laugh) (Lindy takes top off of drink cup, removes a flask from inside her jacket, and p ours the contents into the cup; she offers the flask to Quinn, who refuses) SCENE 36 - MORGENDORFFER HOME - DARIA'S BEDROOM (Daria is seated on her bed when Helen enters) Helen - Daria, can we finish our conversation? Daria - Tom got into Bromwell. So you see, they're not rejecting everyone. Helen - Oh, well, some people have a certain... edge over the rest of us. Daria - You don't say. (sighs) Look, I didn't mean to snap at you, but you're th e one who told me about the advantages of a Bromwell education. Helen - That doesn't mean Raft... Daria - I didn't get into the school that I wanted, and you wanted for me. What am I supposed to think about my prospects? Helen - Your prospects? Daria, you'll be going to your second choice college, no t prison. Look at me: I went to Middleton. It's not half the school that Raft is . Daria - What? Helen - Middleton's not half the school that Raft is, as you know damned well. I

applied to college during the height of the baby boom. Competition was so fierc e I got rejected from my first and second choices. And, see, I lived to tell abo ut it. Daria - Hmm. Helen - I made the most of the education I did get, and so will you. Raft is an excellent school. You should be very proud. I know I am. Daria - Um, Dad seems to think Middleton's hot stuff. Helen - Your father needs to maintain certain illusions about his youth in order to function. It's... (forced laugh) ...cute. Daria - I hope I don't end up the same way. Helen - Daria, you're destined for great things no matter where you go to school . I know it. Daria - Hmmm. All right, then. I suppose I can stop worrying about getting into college and start worrying about this disgusting elitism I have managed to devel op during the process. Helen - Good. That'll keep you from worrying about what kind of weirdo you'll ge t for a roommate. (Daria groans) SCENE 37 - LAWNDALE - MOVIE THEATER (Quinn and Lindy exit the theater) Lindy (slurred speech) - Quinn, didn't you love that movie? It was so sad when E leanor died. Quinn - Um, Eleanor didn't die. Her sister Eileen did. Lindy - Oh, right. Eileen. What should we do now? Wanna to go clubbing? Quinn - Um, thanks, but I'm still in high school. You know, underaged. Lindy - Oh, yeah. That sucks. (Lindy stumbles stepping off curb and unsteadily recovers) Lindy - Well, look, it's so nice out, let's just pick up some wine and hang out in the park. Quinn - Umm, Lindy, are you sure you want more to drink? It's getting kind of la te. Lindy - That's what the morning's for. Sleep. Now, where is my car? Quinn - Lindy, maybe you shouldn't drive. Come on, I'll call us both a cab. (get s cellphone from her purse) Lindy - Put that away. Hey, movie pal, you're acting like I'm drunk. Quinn - Well, you do seem a little... you know, tipsy.

Lindy - Just happy. Now, let's find my car. Quinn - Lindy, I'm serious. I really don't know if you should drive. Lindy - Relax. I drive like this all the time. Quinn - Really? (Upchuck enters) Upchuck - Well, well, if it isn't Miss Morgendorffer the Younger. And who is you r comely companion? (Lindy laughs) Quinn - Upchuck, don't get any ideas or anything, but I need a ride home. Lindy - No, you don't. Upchuck - Do my ears deceive me? A delectable damsel in distress reaching out to Senr Suavicito in her hour of need? Quinn - Lindy, it's no big deal, he just lives around the corner from me, that's all. In fact, why don't you come, too? We can pick up your car tomorrow. Do you mind driving my friend home, Upchuck? (Upchuck growls suggestively) Lindy - Quinn, the night is so young. I think I'm gonna hit a couple of clubs af ter all. See you tomorrow. (leaves) Quinn - Lindy, come on, we'll drive you to the clubs! Lindy! Upchuck - I don't understand the charade about being neighbors, my lissome encha ntress, but it concerns me not. Come, allow me to escort you to my... chariot. Quinn - Get away from me, you creep. (dials number on portable phone) Hello, Cab s 'n Stuff? SCENE 38 - MORGENDORFFER HOUSE - DARIA'S BEDROOM (Daria is sitting on her bed, reading a book, when the phone rings) Daria - Hello? (split screen with Tom) Tom - That crack I made was stupid and completely out of line. Daria - Thank you for the bulletin, but I already knew that. Tom - Forgive me? Daria - What's in it for me? Tom - As a matter of fact, I've got an answer for that. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that my family connections at Bromwell did help me get in. I'm sure that my parents would be happy to write a letter of recommendation for you. Wha t do you say?

Daria - Yes, Virginia, there really is such a thing as noblesse oblige. Thanks, but I'll pass. I'd rather get in on my own merits, and besides, I think I'm gonn a like Raft just fine. Tom - You sure? Daria - Yeah, but thanks. SCENE 39 - ANDREW LANDON'S OFFICE (Andrew is pacing up and down) Secretary (OS) - Your eight o'clock is here. Andrew - (stops pacing) Send him in. (Mack enters office) Andrew - Come in, Mack. Have a seat, and congratulations about Vance. Mack - Thank you. Thanks for squeezing me in before school. Andrew - No problem, no problem. You said on the phone you wanted to talk about Jodie? Mack - Yeah. Andrew - You're not gonna ask me for her hand in marriage, are you? Because I'm too young to be a grandfather, Mack, you understand? Mack - Grandfather? Ummm, no, Mr. Landon, it's nothing like that. Andrew - Thank you, God! I mean... of course not. So, how can I help you? Mack - I hope you don't think I'm out of line, but Jodie's been acting really un happy lately, and I think it's because of Crestmore. Andrew - Impossible! We had a long talk about it and she's really looking forwar d to going. Mack - With all due respect, sir, I don't believe that's true. She's been puttin g a lot of pressure on herself for a long time. I think she really needs a diffe rent kind of environment. Like Turner. Andrew - (brief laugh) How is she gonna go to Turner? She didn't even apply. (pa use) What do you mean, acting uphappy? Mack - Quiet, distracted, crying. (pause) You're not going to be a grandfather. Andrew - Look, Michael, we all think we know what we want when we're young. If J odie passes on Crestmore, she'll end up regretting it for the rest of her life. Besides, Crestmore is a lot closer to Vance than Turner is. Better for you, if y ou want to see each other. Mack - We won't see each other if Jodie has a breakdown and drops out of school. Andrew - Then it's a good thing breakdowns aren't allowed in our family. Anyway, if she really wanted to go to Turner, she'd have applied there. Mack - She did. She got in.

Andrew - What? Mack - She got in. She's afraid to tell you. (Andrew just stands there; he couldn't look more shocked if he'd just been told that tax cuts were being outlawed) SCENE 40 - PIZZA PLACE (Daria and Jane are sitting in a booth) Jane - Well, that was nice of Tom to offer to get his folks to write to Bromwell . Daria - It's just that the whole thing smacks of some crappy romance novel where the troubled young viscount decides the lowly stable girl is good enough for hi m after all. Jane - I always saw you as more of a scullery maid. Daria - And why should the Sloane's seal of approval matter more to Bromwell tha n my transcripts? Jane - "Dear Dean Skippy, please admit Daria. She's a fine young woman, even if she isn't one of us." Daria - Exactly. Besides, if they write a recommendation, it'll just make it tha t much worse when I do get that ultimate rejection. Jane - You are very wise for a humble laundress, and generous, too. How come you bought the pizza? Daria - To make you feel too guilty to storm off in a huff when I ask if you've sent your portfolio in to BFAC yet. Jane - Why bother? It's too late. Daria - Not for mid-year enrollment. Jane - Daria, I already told you. I'm just not the college type. (cut to Kevin and Brittany; Brittany sits in a booth as Kevin arrives, bearing a very large pizza) Brittany - Oooh, a cheeseless bell pepper pizza! And you don't even like cheesel ess. Kevin - Hey! Nothing but the best for my babe! Brittany - Gee, Kevvie, I can't believe how nice you've been lately. Kevin - Well, heck! You're my babe! Brittany - I just love bell peppers. You can almost hear them ringing. Kevin - Hey, Brit, even if you're gone away to Great Prairie State next year, yo u'll still be my babe, right? I mean, no matter where I go? Right? Brittany - Um, sure. Why do you ask?

Kevin - I just wanted to see how deep is your love, babe. (takes a slice of pizz a) Hey, and speaking of deep, watch this! (stuffs folded slice in his mouth) I'm a clown, I'm a clown, I'm a... (spits slice out) Funny, huh babe? (Brittany sighs) (back to Daria and Jane) Jane - I couldn't paint anything decent with that application hanging over my he ad, anyway. Believe me, that portfolio would never have gotten me into BFAC. (la ughs) Que ironico, the minute the pressure was off, I started doing some really interesting stuff again. Daria - So it's the old "reject them before they reject me." Jane - Yeah, the same thing you're doing with Bromwell. Daria - I was already rejected by Bromwell. Jane - So was I. By State U and Lawndale State. Daria - But you told me you don't care what their sucky art departments thought of your work. Jane - Really. They're so sucky they didn't even ask to see it. Daria - What? Jane - They didn't ask to see any of my stuff, so I didn't send any. Daria - Wait. You get rejected by schools that don't care if you have artistic t alent, but the one that does care, you decide not to go for? Jane - For the same reason you're not gonna let the Sloanes write a letter that might get you into Bromwell, even though you wouldn't have to lift a finger. Rej ection sucks. You said so yourself. Daria - I'll make you a deal. If I prostrate myself before the Sloanes and ask t hem for that letter, will you finish your portfolio and send it to BFAC? Jane - God, Daria! You must really think I have a shot. Daria - And all I had to do to convince you was offer myself up for a round of t horoughly gratuitous humiliation. Jane - Well, I guess I wouldn't be much of a friend if I deprived you of that. Y ou drive a hard bargain, Morgendorffer, but you've got yourself a deal. SCENE 41 - MORGENDORFFER HOUSE - DARIA'S BEDROOM (Daria picks up her phone and dials the Sloane's number) Tom (OS) - Hello? Daria - Hey. You know that letter we talked about? (split screen with Tom) Tom - You mean the one you wanted my parents to write?

Daria - The one you offered to have them write. Well, I guess it couldn't hurt. Tom - Great. I knew you'd come around. Daria - Then you know me better than I know myself. Tom - I'll ask my parents right now. I'm sure they do this kind of things all th e time. Daria - Oh, good. Then they can just send out the form letter. Tom - Right... the good form letter. Let me catch them before they go out. Call me later? Daria - Sure. Um, thanks. (Tom hangs up) Daria - Damn. SCENE 42 - LANE HOUSE - LIVING ROOM (Jane is putting sheets of 35mm slides into an envelope when Trent enters) Jane - Yo, Trent! You're just in time to run me down to Package-Air. I want to g et my portfolio off to BFAC. Trent - Whoa. I thought you weren't going to college. Jane - I changed my mind, although first, I kind of have to get them to take me. Trent - What about focusing on your art? Jane - See, I can do that at Boston Fine Arts College. That's why they put in th e word "arts." Come on, let's go. Trent - I don't know. I have to get used to this whole selling out thing first. Jane - Trent, I'm not selling out. I'm attempting to acquire the skills and know ledge that will allow me to sell out. Now, are you gonna give me a ride, or do I have to throw fear into the hearts of pedestrians by myself? (Trent holds out his car keys) Jane - Huh. See you later. (leaves) Trent - Yeah... later. SCENE 43 - LANDON HOUSE - JODIE'S BEDROOM (Jodie is lying on her bed, looking miserable, when her parents enter the room) Michele - Hi, Jodie. What are you doing? Jodie - Do you need me something? I'll get up. (sits up) Andrew - We just want to talk to you. About Mack. Jodie - What about him?

Andrew - He came to see me at my office. Jodie - What? Without telling me? Why? Michele - He's got quite an imagination. He seems to think you want to go to Tur ner so much you applied there behind our backs. (Jodie's mouth drops open in shock) SCENE 44 - ROWE HOUSE (Stacy is in the kitchen, holding a bottle and reading instructions) Stacy - "Curse Begone. For the reversal and elimination of curses, spells and in cantations. No animals were harmed to make this product, other than the ones we sacrificed." Boy, I hope this stuff works, or Sandi will never talk to me again. Actually, she'll never talk to anyone again. (laughs) That's not funny, Stacy! (cut to Stacy's bedroom, where Sandi and Tiffany are sitting; Stacy enters beari ng a tray with sodas; Sandi points to her wristwatch) Stacy - Sandi, I'm so sorry it took me so long, but I wanted to make sure the ic e in your soda was crushed enough because I know how you hate big or even medium chunks of ice. You know, my Mom says soda rots your teeth, but if it were reall y true, wouldn't you see a lot more people in high school with dentures or no te eth at all, just tiny little stubs? Tiffany - Stacy. Eww... Stacy - Sorry. So, how are the sodas? I mean, not that they shouldn't be okay. Tiffany - (coughs) Ewww. What's in this? Stacy - Oh, no! I must have given you the one with the potion. (Tiffany coughs and grabs her throat) (Sandi writes in her notepad, and show it to Stacy; on it is written "WHAT?") Stacy - Oh, Sandi, I am so sorry. See, when I was blowing out my birthday candle s, I accidentally wished you'd be, well, quiet, and then you lost your voice and I was afraid to tell you so I got this curse undoer stuff over the Internet and I guess I used too much because I really wanted you to be cured, and then Tiffa ny got it by mistake and I am so sorry! (Tiffany is still coughing; Sandi writes "SABOTEUR!" on her notepad and shows it to Stacy) Stacy - No, Sandi, I swear! I didn't try to kill you! See, it's only Cayenne pep per, cooking oil, and some big long name. Sandi, you know I would never hurt any body, especially not you. I mean, I really, really care about people. Please, I' ll do anything to make it up to you! Just tell me what to do. SCENE 45 - MORGENDORFFER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM (Jake and Helen are sitting on the sofas; Jake is going through the mail, while Helen reads some legal brief) Jake - Now, here is my kind of credit card bill. No Cashman's, no Doo Dads, just

a single two-hundred dollar charge to Bulk Cat Food dot com. Cat food? This isn 't our address... this isn't my name! Damn idiot mailman! Helen - Jake, settle down! (looks over the mail) Hmmm, from Bromwell. Daria, loo k what just came in. Daria - Either that's a rejection, or they printed the registration forms on mic rofilm. (opens envelope) Helen - Now, don't jump to any conclusions. Daria - (reads letter) Well, the freshman class is full. I won't be going to Bro mwell. Helen - Oh, honey. Jake - That sucks, Daria! Passing on a smart kid like you! They're idiots! Daria - You know what? I'm not even sorry. Helen - You have nothing to be sorry about. Jake - Stuffy arrogant... (snooty voice) "Oh, look at us, we're Bromwell!" (norm al voice) But listen, Middleton is a very good school. Well, a pretty good schoo l. Well, anyway it was good enough for your mother and me. Helen - Jake... Daria - Um, Dad... about Middleton... I didn't apply there. Jake - You didn't? So... you're going ahead with this crazy notion about militar y school? Daria - Military school? Helen - Jake! What are you talking about? Daria is going to Raft. Jake - Raft? You mean, no barracks? No buzzcut? No inspection time? Latrine duty ? Training marches at 0600 hours? Daria - Hmmm, if Raft has those things, it was pretty crafty of the brochure jus t to show kids on the quad hanging out and throwing frisbees. Jake - Oh, thank God! My daughter, going to college instead of a military academ y. Hey, Raft is a damned good school. Daria, you won't be sorry you did this. Th ere'll always be time for the army later! (Jake hugs Daria) Daria (to Helen) - You'll understand when I don't invite my roommate home for Th anksgiving, right? SCENE 46 - GOVERNOR'S PARK (Lindy is at the welcome desk) Lady - Look! You crossed my name off without even calling me! See? Lindy - (irritated) Just relax, okay?

(Quinn approaches and quickly assesses the situation) Quinn - Excuse me, ma'am. We have a table for you right here. (She leads the lad y and her guest away) (new couple walks up) Newly Arrived Man - How long is the wait for two? Shawna - Table twenty-one is ready. Lindy (to newly arrived couple) - I'll seat you right now. (various customers grumble and protest as Michael approaches) Michael - I'm sorry. Is there a problem here? Lady #2 - That hostess seated those people who just came in, and we've been wait ing forty minutes. Michael - My apologies. Let me see what I can do, and dessert's on me. (Michael checks the reservation book, and notices a cup under the desk) Michael - Hmm. (on closer inspection, the cup, bearing a pink lipstick mark, contains some oran ge liquid; he takes a small taste, and frowns when he discovers it's an alcoholi c beverage) Michael (to customers) - Folks, we've been holding a table for six we can split up. Please, come with me and I'll get you settled right away. (to Lindy and Quin n, who've just come back to the welcome desk) Then the three of us are gonna hav e a little talk. Quinn (to Lindy) - What's that about? Lindy - Oh, Quinn, I'd never thought he'd find it there. Quinn - Find what? Lindy - My screwdriver. Quinn - Lindy! You've been drinking?! Lindy - Just a little hair of the dog. I wouldn't have done it except I'm really hung over. Quinn - But we're at work! Lindy - I know. Damn, damn, damn! Quinn, listen to me. Normally, I would never, ever ask you to do something like this, but I'm in college, I'm broke, I really need this job. Maybe if we said we think one of the bus boys left it there or so mething? Quinn - But then, won't they get in trouble? Michael - Ladies, Shawna's gonna man your post for a while. Come with me. (Lindy looks mortified, Quinn looks sad)

(cut to Michael's office) Michael - Okay, I want to know whose cup this is. Quinn? Quinn - Umm, it's not mine. Lindy - We don't know whose it is. Michael - Then explain to me why this smudge here matches your lipstick. Lindy - That could be anybody's lipstick! Michael - Not really. Lindy - For instance, Quinn asked me if she could try my lipstick... not that I' m saying it's hers, of course... Quinn - (profoundly disappointed) Oh, Lindy... Michael - (not buying it for a second) Come on, Lindy. Lindy - Please, Michael, I've never done anything like this before, I swear. I d on't even like to drink. It's just I have this migraine... Michael - I'm gonna have to let you go. SCENE 47 - PIZZA PLACE (Daria and Tom are sitting in a booth) Tom - Damn! You know what I've just realized? Daria - The phrase "chicken fingers" is misleading ? Tom - Besides that. We forgot to check out the pizza in Newtown. Daria - Oh. Well, I guess you'll just have to send mine Package-Air to Boston. Tom - Won't that be a little messy? (pause) Oh, Daria! No! Daria - Yep. It's official. The gods have spoken. I didn't get into Bromwell. Tom - I'm really sorry. And after my parents wrote such a glowing recommendation , too. Daria - Shocking, isn't it? I'm such a loser, even a nod from the Sloanes couldn 't help me. Tom - That's not what I meant. Daria - Good. Because I'm not a loser, and even if I didn't go to the right prep school, or pull the right strings, or donate a wing... Tom - It was my uncle! Daria - Listen. You're a smart guy and a good student. I'm sure you deserve to g et into Bromwell, and I wish you every success there. Tom - Well, that's a nice thing to say, even if that Daria voice of yours makes

it sound like a kiss off... wait... Daria - I think we should break up. Tom - What? When did you decide this? Daria - Just now. Tom - Because I got into Bromwell and you didn't? That's not fair, Daria. Daria - It's got nothing to do with Bromwell, although if I were you, I wouldn't use the word "fair" in any discussion of what happened there. Tom - Well, if it's not about Bromwell, then what? Why? Daria - Because you're going one place and I'm going another. Tom - So what? We won't be that far away. Daria - I don't mean physically. I mean you're from one place and I'm from anoth er, and college is going to make it even more obvious. Tom - I don't believe that. Daria - Tom... we have little enough in common as it is. Now we won't see each o ther for months at a time, and every time we do, it'll be more difficult to pick up where we left off. Tom - Not if we work at it. Daria - Why should we work at it when we are already getting bored? Tom - Who's bored? I'm not bored. Daria - Really? Or are you just upset that I admitted it first? (Tom doesn't answer and looks downcast; he realizes she's absolutely correct) Daria - You'll get over it. We both will. (Jane arrives with pizza and soda) Jane - Hey, kids! What's new? (Daria and Tom look at her, both completely downcast) Jane - Oops, sorry. Wrong table. (leaves quickly) SCENE 48 - MORGENDORFFER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM (Daria is sitting on the sofa, in front of the switched off TV, as Quinn enters) Quinn - (downcast) Hi. Daria - Hmm. Quinn - TV's off. Daria - Yeah. Want something?

Quinn - No. Just... if you had a friend and you knew she had a problem but she d idn't, would you tell her? Daria - Huh? Quinn - This girl I was working with... I think she has a drinking problem. If I don't say anything, I'm afraid she'll get an accident or something, but if I do say something, she'll probably never speak to me again. Not that she is now. Daria - I don't really feel qualified to give any advice on interpersonal relati onships today. Quinn - Why not? Daria - I just broke up with my boyfriend. It's kind of a first for me. So's thi s feeling in my stomach like it's been through a paper shedder. Quinn - You broke up with Tom? Daria - You sound almost surprised as I was. Quinn - Why? Daria - Because I felt we'd come to the end of our relationship, for a bunch of reasons, and we should both move on. Quinn - So you said that to him, just like that? You didn't want to wait so you' d have someone to go out with for the summer? Daria - No, although I'm sure Tom would have been very flattered at being asked to play the role of warm body. Quinn - You don't tell him, Daria. Daria - For some reason, I continue to opt for honesty, despite mounting evidenc e that it's inexorably transforming me into an old woman alone in a one room apa rtment filled with thirty year old newspapers and cats. Quinn - Oh, Daria, that's not gonna happen to you. I was at a college party. I k now what goes on there. People are smart and nice. Daria - So it's the opposite of high school? Quinn - You're gonna have friends and everything. I know it sounds hard to belie ve. Daria - Gee, thanks. But, um, thanks. Quinn - You were right to be honest. That's what I'm gonna do. Daria - Good. You can help me feed the cats. (doorbell rings; Daria opens the door, and Jane enters) Jane - Daria, your face at the pizza place. Your face now... did that bastard du mp you? I was always afraid he'd do that! Daria - No, I dumped him. Jane - You dumped... you're the bastard? Whoa.

Daria - Yes, I'm the bastard, and the bastard is hurting like hell. SCENE 49 - LINDY'S APARTMENT (Lindy is working at her computer when the doorbell rings; it's Quinn) Lindy - Oh, hi. I didn't think I'd ever see you again. Quinn - Why not? We're friends, right? Lindy - I mean, that was a really crappy thing I said about you borrowing my lip stick. I can't believe I did it. I was desperate. Quinn - I know. Lindy - It was, like, the worst thing I've ever done in my life, and I'm really sorry. Quinn - Lindy, I know I'm only in high school and I'm not really used to be arou nd people who drink except for my father, but that's only when he's really mad a nd talking about military school and even then... and okay, my mother had a few too many at this wedding, but if you knew my aunt Rita, and I think you have a d rinking problem. Lindy - (small dismissive laugh) All right, I hurt you, you hurt me, fair enough . Quinn - I'm not trying to hurt you, Lindy. You really need to think about your d rinking. Lindy - Quinn, I'm in college. Everybody drinks. If I had a problem, it would be affecting my schoolwork or personal life, wouldn't it? Quinn - But you got fired because of it! Lindy - I got fired because Michael's a jerk. And guess what? I already found an other job. Quinn - But you just said that what happened in Michael's office was the worst t hing you ever did in your life. Doesn't that mean it's affecting you? Lindy - That was out of panic, and now with your nasty little accusations, you'v e gotten me back for. Which is what I guess you came over in the first place. So , we're even, okay? So goodbye. Quinn - Goodbye? Lindy - I've got a paper due tomorrow and I've got a lot of writing left to go. You noticed I said writing, not drinking. You'll noticed I've a got a book opene d, not a bottle (goes to the door and opens it) And now the door's open, too. (Quinn exits, looking miserable; Lindy closes the door and goes to the fridge, w here she contradicts everything she just said by grabbing a can of beer) SCENE 50 - SLOANE HOUSE - TOM'S BEDROOM (Tom, lying on his bed, picks up the phone and calls Daria) (split screen between Tom, lying on his bed, and Daria, also lying on her bed)

Daria - Hello? (Tom says nothing, and after a moment, switches the phone off) (full screen on Daria sighing and switching her phone off) SCENE 51 - LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY (Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie are walking down the hallway) Jeffy - All right! Last day of school. No more classes. Jamie - Or homework! Joey - Or those things with the pages! Jeffy - Books? Joey - Yeah, that's it. (they pass in front of Mack at his locker; camera stays on Mack as Jodie enters) Jodie - I want to talk to you. Alone. (cut to O'Neill's classroom) Mack - Okay. Obviously, you found out that I went to see your father. Jodie - And told him what I confided in you. Mack - Look, I was just trying to help. Jodie - Yeah? Well, as a result of your butting in... I'm going to Turner! I'm g oing to Turner! Mack - You are? That's great! Jodie - My parents said that if I was so upset about Crestmore that I applied to Turner behind their backs, they had to respect my feelings. They told me I'd ea rned the right to be treated like an adult. Mack - Your father really said that? Jodie - Well, my mother said it, and then kind of glared at him, and sort of elb owed him, and then finally he nodded. But, he did smile. Mack - I knew you'd work it out. Jodie - I wouldn't have worked it out without you. Did I ever tell you how lucky I am to have you? (Jodie and Mack kiss; they separate as Ms. Barch barges into the classroom) Barch - Jodie! Mack! Have you seen Mr. O'Neill? Mack - Nope, haven't seen him. Barch - Oh sure. All you males stick together!

(cut to Lawndale High School parking lot; Kevin and Brittany are walking) Brittany - Kevvie, do you want to go to the place we have to go to get the cap a nd gown with me? Kevin - Mmmm, nah! But, you go ahead. Brittany - Why? Did you already get yours? Kevin - Um, Brit... remember when you said you'd still be my babe, no matter whe re I went to school? Brittany - Umm... I think so. Kevin - But you will, right? Brittany - Sure! Where are you going? Kevin (points to Lawndale High School) - Right here, babe! Brittany - Huh? Kevin - Right here. Lawndale High. See, um, my grades were so good, they want to see if I can do it again. Brittany - Ohhh. Wait a minute... your grades aren't good... Kevvie, you flunked ! Kevin - No, no, no! I just, um, didn't pass. But, see, if I repeat this year, th en my grades will be really good. Mr. O'Neill says I can go away to any college in the country! Brittany - Really? Kevin - Or did he say some college way out in the country? Anyway, we're still, like, boyfriend and girlfriend, right? (takes Brittany's hand) Brittany (puts her other hand behind her back) - Ummm, sure. (they kiss; behind her back, Brittany has crossed her fingers) (Ms. Barch walks up and they move apart) Barch - Brittany! Stop letting Kevin debase you and tell me where Mr. O'Neill is . Brittany - But Ms. Barch, he didn't touch my base! (cut to DeMartino's classroom) DeMartino - Timothy, you've got to be firm. Now, repeat after me: "Barch, it'll be a cold day in hell before I kiss my common sense and will to live goodbye, an d enter the bonds of unholy matrimony with such a shrew!" (turns to O'Neill) Now , you! O'Neill - Um, Janet, it'll be a chilly day in Hades... DeMartino - LOUDER! O'Neill - Uh, Janet...

Barch (OS) - There you are. (enters classroom) If I didn't know better, I'd swea r you were hiding from me! O'Neill - Oh. Me? Hiding? (small laugh) DeMartino - Madam? Timothy has something he'd like to say to you! Don't you, Tim othy? Barch - Well, what is it? And make it snappy, Skinny, we have to go pick our hon eymoon cruise wear. O'Neill - Um, Janet, about the wedding, well, um, you see... DeMartino - There's not gonna be a wedding, so you can dig your talons into the flesh of some other prey! Barch - WHAT? DeMartino - You heard him. O'Neill - Uh, you see, Janet, It's not that you wouldn't make a very desirable l ife partner... Barch - All right then, Mr. Gigolo, you hear this: if there's no wedding, then t hat's it. It's over, buster. We will never play farmwife and National Geographic photographer again. DeMartino - Timothy? O'Neill - As you wish. Barch - Aargh! DeMartino - (slaps O'Neill on the back) Congratulations! You stood up to her lik e a man! Barch - Exactly! (goes to punch O'Neill, who's sobbing in his hands, and ends up punching DeMartino) DeMartino - Ow! My good eye! Aaaaaah! (cut to Lawndale High School hallway; as the last bell rings, students pour out of classrooms, shouting and throwing papers) SCENE 52 - MORGENDORFFER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM Quinn (on phone) - Stacy, of course Sandi didn't say anything about being mad at you. She can't talk, remember? (doorbell rings) Quinn - No, she didn't say anything in sign language. (Quinn opens the door to reveal Lindy) Quinn (on phone) - Stacy, I've got to call you back. (hangs up) Um, hi, Lindy. C ome in! How are you? Lindy - I'm just fine, really great. Um, I forgot to give this to you when you c

ame over the other day. (Lindy hands Quinn one of her hand-made mirrors, this one decorated with tiles i n various shades of pink and red) Quinn - Lindy! The mirror; it's beautiful! Lindy - You really like it? Quinn - I love it! Thank you! Lindy - Um, listen, about our conversation. Maybe every now and then I do go a l ittle overboard when I drink, but that doesn't mean I've got a problem. Believe me, I you'd had my mother, you know how the real problem looks like. Quinn - Oh. Lindy - You know how I'm sure I can handle it? Whenever I think I'm drinking too much, I stop for a week, just to prove to myself that I can. Quinn - Really? Lindy - Yeah. I do it all the time. So you see? Quinn - (slightly skeptical) Yeah, that's great, Lindy. Lindy - Anyway, I'm glad you like the mirror. Quinn - It's beautiful. Lindy - Thanks. I'll see you around. Quinn - Um, Lindy? Do you want to go to a movie or something? Lindy - I can't today, but I'll give you a call, okay? Quinn - Okay, sure. SCENE 53 - LANE HOUSE - JANE'S BEDROOM (Jane is at her easel, painting, as Trent enters the room) Trent - Hey. Jane - Wow, you're talking to a sellout like me? Trent - About that... Jane - Yes? Trent - I don't really think you're a sellout. Jane - Well, that's not exactly an apology, but you know what they say about beg gars. Trent - That they only spend it on booze? Jane - Never mind. Trent - Um, Janey?

Jane - Um, Trent? Trent - This college thing... I gave it... thought... and, um, I kind of underst and if you want to go. Jane - What I don't get is why you were so against it in the first place. Trent - I guess I didn't want you to go because... well... you would be there... Jane - Admirable grasp of the situation. Trent - ...and I would be here. Jane - Oh. You're worried about losing me? Trent - Well, the house gets kind of spooky at night. Maybe I should get a puppy . Jane - Hey, Trent, do you really think I'm gonna let you slack off being my brot her just because of an address change? Trent - Hmm. Jane - And if I do end up going to BFAC, think of all the gigs to be had in Bost on. Think of all the college girls looking for a dark, mysterious musician to sw oon over. Trent - Jesse? Jane - You, ya dope! But I hear those dorm floors are a little less sticky than the floor of the Tank, so be prepared to pack accordingly. Trent - Right. They probably don't shake as much, either. Jane - Or roll into traffic. Now, listen. My guess is Mom and Dad won't be back from the Azores until monsoon season's over. You want to represent the Lane fami ly at my graduation? Trent - Hmm. I don't know if I could take it. I didn't even go to my own graduat ion. Jane - So you did graduate. Trent - I'm pretty sure... SCENE 53 - MORGENDORFFER HOUSE - EXTERIOR (Tom is leaning against his car, looking downcast) (cut to Morgendorffer living room; Helen is looking out the window, while Jake i s reading the newspaper) Helen - Hmm. What's Tom doing out there? He looks unhappy about something. Jake - He's probably mad at those stuck-up Bromwell goons, too! Lousy, tea-drink ing, pinky-raising... Helen - Jake! Tom got into Bromwell. Oh!

(Daria walks up to Tom) Daria - Um, hello. Tom - Hey, Daria. Daria - I'm not getting into that car. That's how all this trouble started in th e first place. Tom - Trouble? Is that how you think of our relationship? Daria - I'm just kidding. What's up? (cut to Helen) Helen - Oh, Jake! I think something bad is happening! And she's already had one disappointment. (instantly jumps to wrong conclusion) Oh, no! I was dreading thi s day! Jake - Sounds like I should do something! I think I'll go clean the attic! (stan ds up) Helen - Jake! (Jake, looking like a whipped puppy, sits back down) (back to Daria and Tom) Tom - Um, I've been thinking a lot about why you said we should break up, and I don't disagree. I just wanted to know: you liked me for a while, right? Daria - Tom, come on. I still like you. You're a good guy. A little spoiled, a h air smug, a triffle egotistical... Tom - This isn't going quite the way I hoped. Daria - ...but a smart, funny guy who's basically very caring and sensitive in t he not-pukey way. I'm glad we went out. It was a really good experience. Tom - You mean that? Daria - Yeah, of course. What's the matter with you? Tom - Nothing. It's just... I really look up to you, and your opinion's importan t to me. Daria - You look up to me? Huh. Tom - Do you think next year I could call you from school, and we could compare notes on our lives in a completely nonromantic fashion? You know, like friends? Daria - Hmm, yeah. Yeah! That's a good idea. Call me. That'll be nice. Tom - OK. I'm starting to feel a little better. How about you? Daria - (sees Helen behind the window) I've got one more bed of hot coals to wal k through first. (cut to Morgendorffer living room; Helen and Jake are reading newspapers as Dari a enters)

Helen - Daria! Hi! How was the last day of school? Anything new? Can I get you a nything? Do you want to lie down? Daria - I have an announcement to make. Helen - Oh, God, Daria! It'll be all right, I promise! Daria - I have broken up with my boyfriend. Yes, it hurts, but it was my idea, a nd despite the pain I feel, I remain convinced it is for the best. I am looking forward to summer, and, to my amazement, excited about college next year. Now I shall go to my room without taking questions. Ignore any muffled screams you may hear, especially if they're Quinn's. (goes upstairs) Jake - She and Tom broke up? Just like that? No clues, no warning signs? I'd bet ter go talk to her! This could drive her back to military school! What should I say? Damn it, Helen! Where's our copy of Mr. Spock? Helen - Jake, your concern is very sweet, but I think she's going to be okay. SCENE 54 - LAWNDALE - SIDEWALK (Jane is dragging Daria along by the arm) Daria - Just tell me what I did to make you drag me to Jodie's graduation party? Jane - You need a break from the break-up. One more night with those whose stupi dity has so tormented and entertained us, lo, these many years. A farewell to do pes! Daria - You want me to forget about my heavy heart by getting sick to my stomach . Jane - Doesn't that bring a lump to your throat? Come on, it's just a party. Daria - Sure, and the Romans said it was just a cat show. (cut to Upchuck and Andrea in Landon's back yard) Upchuck - Andrea, my dark-eyed mistress of sweet, sweet pain. Are you, like me, finding this party a bit too... festive? Let us depart for a darker place, where we can explore the melancholia that always accompanies true, unbridled passion! Andrea - (slightly incredulous) You're hitting on me? Upchuck - (a bit deflated) Um... Andrea - Okay. Upchuck - (squeaks) Really?! (clears throat) I mean, say no more, my raven-haire d ravisher! (Upchuck offers Andrea his arm, which she takes as they walk away) Jane - Behold, Daria! The group dynamic you crave so much! Daria - I suppose pulling out a can of mace right now would be considered bad fo rm. Jodie - Hey, guys. Thanks for coming.

Jane - Well, you know how Daria can't resist a party. Jodie - No Tom tonight? Daria - Um, no Tom no more. Jodie - What? He dumped both of you? I mean... Jane - Au contraire! Tom was the dumpee! Jodie - Wow! Daria - Yes, I terminated the relationship so I could indulge my compulsive need to play the field. Brittany - Hi, Daria! Hi, Jane! Where's Tom? Daria - Um, covert mission. Brittany - Really? I didn't know he was religious. Kevin - Hey, Daria! Where's that guy you know? Brittany - He joined a mission! Kevin - Really? He's going to Mars? (Daria and Jane look appalled) (Cut to Quinn, Stacy, Tiffany and the three Js) Quinn - So, once I paid off my credit card bill, I just quit. My friend was alre ady gone, and I mean, who works in the summer? Puh-lease! Jamie - You're so good with money, Quinn! Joey - Could you balance my checkbook? Jeffy - You've got fiscal smarts! (Sandi arrives) Sandi - Well, I see I'm the only one who still believes in arriving fashionably late. Stacy - Sandi! You got your voice back! Quinn - That's great, Sandi! Tiffany - Yeah... great... Sandi - Stacy, you'll be happy to know I figured how you can almost make it up t o me for the physical and emotional anguish you caused. (hands papers to Stacy) Stacy - You have? Oh, Sandi, thank you! (reads papers) Organize your Waif magazi ne inventory, ironing any and all wrinkled pages... take over babysitting your b rothers all summer... clean your lipstick tubes... Tiffany - Whoa, Stacy... I pity you.

Stacy - Um, Sandi, I'm really, really sorry about what happened and all, but thi s seems kind of... unfair. I mean, we don't know if I really made you lose your voice, right? And Tiffany's the one who drank that horrible anti-curse stuff. Tiffany - Eww... the memory. Sandi - Are you saying you don't care if you jeopardize your status in the Fashi on Club? Stacy - (after a short pause) Sandi, if this is what it'll take to keep me in th e Fashion Club, maybe I'm better off taking a sabbatical like Quinn. Sandi - Um... fine. But you're missing out, because Quinn is coming back. Right, Quinn? Quinn - Um, actually, Sandi, the time off was a nice change of pace. I'm thinkin g of extending my sabbatical. Sandi - What? Tiffany - Huh. I think I'll take a sabbatical, too. (Sandi looks at her three friends, and realizes she's just become a club of one; she scrambles to save face) Sandi - Well, that is certainly an amusing coincidence, because tonight I was go ing to announce my sabbatical from the Fashion Club. Yes, I find that your preci ous club no longer serves my needs as a multi-faceted young woman of today. It's just too confining. Quinn - Gosh! Does this mean there isn't any more Fashion Club? Sandi - I guess it's time to move on. Quinn - It's like the end of an era. Stacy - I'm gonna miss it. Tiffany - Me, too. (the four ex-Fashion Clubbers burst into tears) Sandi - You want to come over tomorrow and discuss what we'll do with all our ne w free time? Quinn - That's a great idea, Sandi! Stacy - I'll bring some magazines to look at. Tiffany - I can't wait to brainstorm. Sandi - Then it's a date. (the four girls concur) (cut to Daria and Jane on porch stairs) Jane - He said he looked up to you?

Daria - Isn't that weird? Flattering, but weird. Jane - No... I guess I could see where people would value your opinion and take what you say very seriously. Daria - Really? Where can I meet these people? Jane - Well, I kind of take what you say seriously. Daria - What's in that cup? Jane - That's why, after your constant haranguing and brow-beating, I went ahead and sent my portfolio to BFAC... and got in. (we're now treated to a rare sight: Daria with a geniune smile) Daria - Jane Lane! What did you say? Jane - You. Me. College. Same town. Be ready to have your ass dragged to more pa rties. Daria - I knew you could do it. I knew it! (Jane takes a bow) Daria - Why the hell didn't you tell me? Jane - I just found out today. Besides, you know what a drama queen I am. So, wh at do you say? Make a pledge right now to go up there and get separate boyfriend s? (pause) Thanks for talking me into applying. I owe you a huge one. Daria - You don't owe me anything. Thanks for helping me get through high school . Jane - Me at BFAC, you at Raft. You think it's true that things happen for a rea son? (pause) Daria and Jane - Naah! SCENE 55 - LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL ATHLETIC FIELD - GRADUATION CEREMONY (Jodie speaks from podium on a small stage) Jodie - ... for today we leave the days of our youth behind and begin our journe y into adulthood. Many years from now, I'm sure we will look back on our days at Lawndale High with a great fondness, for what once was, and will never be again . (cut to Daria and Jane, who are seated next to each other amongst the other grad uates) Daria - That last part sounded good. Jodie - Thank you. (claps and cheers from the audience as Jodie steps back and Ms. Li comes to the microphone)

Ms Li - Thank you, Jodie Landon, valedictorian of the graduating class of Laaawn dale High. And remember, parents, your child doesn't have to be a current studen t for us to accept your generous donations. And now, people, and now... and now, awards time! We'll do the sports and other good prizes after I get these academ ic jobbies is out of the way. Now, as you know, at Lawndale High we prefer to re ward students for both their scholarship and contribution to student life. But, occasionally, a student does so well in one area that we are forced to recognize him or her despite crippling deficiencies in the other. And so, I give you the winner of this year's Lawndale High School Diane Fossey Award for dazzling acade mic achievement in the face of near-total misanthropy... Ms. Daria Morgendorffer ! (cut to Daria, blushing and shocked out of her socks) (Cut to O'Neill and DeMartino behind stage) O'Neill - Bravo, bravo! DeMartino - Very good, Daria! You go, girlfriend! (enter Barch) O'Neill - Brav... oh! DeMartino - All right, Timothy! This is it! You've gone this far; you can't turn back now! (leaves) O'Neill - Anthony! Where are you going? DeMartino - Sorry, but that right hook is a killer! O'Neill - Now, Janet, I know you're disappointed... Barch - No, I'm not! I'm intrigued... O'Neill - ...but as the poet said, time will heal thy wounded heart in... you're what? Barch - Intrigued by this alluring new backbone of yours. Where have you been hi ding that erogenous chutzpah all these years, you big lug? O'Neill - Oh, well, I... (Barch grabs O'Neill and gives him a kiss so strong it nearly sucks the fillings out of his teeth; witnessing this, DeMartino pounds his head on one of the stag e supports) (cut to podium; Daria approaches microphone) Daria - Um... thank you. I'm not much for public speaking, or much for speaking, or, come to think of it, much for the public. And I'm not very good at lying. S o let me just say that, in my experience, high school sucks. If I had to do it a ll over again, I'd have started advanced placement classes in preschool so I cou ld go from eighth grade straight to college. (in the stands, Helen and Jake are stricken; Quinn dons sunglasses and a basebal l cap) Daria - However, given the unalterable fact that high school sucks, I'd like to add that if you're lucky enough to have a good friend and a family that cares, i

t doesn't have to suck quite as much. (cut to first Jane, then to Helen and Jake, all of whom smile at Daria's words) Daria - Otherwise, my advice is: stand firm for what you believe in, until and u nless logic and experience prove you wrong; remember, when the emperor looks nak ed, the emperor is naked; the truth and a lie are not "sort of the same thing"; and there's no aspect, no facet, no moment of life that can't be improved with p izza. Thank you. (claps and cheers from the audience as Daria exits podium; in the stands, Helen and Jake clap as well, and, after looking around, so does Quinn) SCENE 56 - PIZZA PLACE (Daria and Jane are in a booth) Jane - So, dazzling academic achievement, eh? What a sellout. Daria - I know. And then I had the perfect opportunity to beat Ms. Li senseless with my trophy, and what do I do? Give a heart-warming speech. Jane - You're getting soft around the edges, Morgendorffer. Daria - Maybe, or maybe you've got glaucoma. Jane - To college! I can't wait! What do you think we'll find when we get there? Daria - Hmm. That the students are shockingly ignorant, the professors self-cent ered and corrupt, and the entire system geared soley to the pursuit of funding? Jane - Hmmm, yes. You know that thing I said about you getting soft? Daria - Yeah? Jane - I take it back. (they clink drink cups) (end credits)