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WORMS Nobody loves me, everybody hates me Think I'll go and eat worms, Long thin skinny ones, short fat juicy ones, Watch them wriggle and squirm. You bite their heads off, suck their guts out Throw their skins away And nobody knows how well we'll live On worms three times a day. Long thin skinny ones slip down easily Big fat juicy ones stick, Hold your head back, squeeze their tail And the juice goes click, click, click. 40 YEARS ON AN ICEBERG 40 years on an iceberg out in the ocean wide, Nothing to wear but pyjamas, nothing to do but slide, The weather was cold and icy, The frost began to bite, I had to hug a polar bear to keep me warm at night! BINGO There was a farmer had a dog And Bingo was his name-0 BINGO BINGO BINGO And Bingo was his name-O. (Repeat, cumulatively clapping in place of successive letters.) TIE ME KANGAROO DOWN SPORT (The first verse is spoken/narrated ) There's an old Australian stockman - lying, dying... And he gets himself up onto one elbow And turns to his mates who are all gathered around And he says.... Tie me kangaroo down, sport, tie me kangaroo down Tie me kangaroo down, sport, tie me kangaroo down Watch me wallabies feed, mate, watch me wallabies feed They're a dangerous breed, mate, watch me wallabies feed. (altogether now...) Keep me cockatoo cool, Curl, keep me cockatoo cool
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Don't go acting the fool, Curl, just keep me cockatoo cool. Take me koala back, Mack, take me koala back He lives somewhere out on the track, Mack, take me koala back. Let me Abos go loose, Lou, Let me Abos go loose. (some use Wombats to be P.C) They're of no further use, Lou, So let me Abos go loose. Mind me platypus duck, Bill, mind me platypus duck Don't let him go running amok, Bill, mind me platypus duck. Play your didgeridoo, Blue, play your didgeridoo Keep playing 'till I shoot through, Blue, play your didgeridoo Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred, tan me hide when I'm dead So they tanned his hide when he died, Clyde, And that's it hangin' on the shed! Oh I wish I were a little foreign car Oh I'd go beepy beepy beepy down everybody's streety Oh I wish I was a tin of baked beans, baked beans, I'd go down as a clump, and come back as a lump, Oh I wish I was a tin of baked beans. Oh I wish I was a little green latrine, green latrine, I'd smell out all the camp, especially when I'm damp, Oh I wish I were a little candle flame, Oh I'd be so very bright, and I'd go out every night. Oh I wish I were a little safety pin, And everything that's busted, I would hold until I rusted, Oh I wish I were a little kangaroo, Oh, I'd hippy and I'd hoppy inside my mommy's pockie, Oh I wish I were a spoon of Castor Oil, Oh, I'd lubricate the chassis of all the lads and lassies, Oh I wish a were a little water bed, Oh, I'd wobble and I'd wiggle and make the sleepers giggle, Oh, I wish I were a little onion I'd yelly and I'd smelly inside everybody's belly Oh I wish I were a little green pea, I'd go skatey skatey skatey over everybody's platey, Oh, I wish I were a little red Corvette For I'd stay out late at night, and a guy would hold me tight, Oh, I wish I were a little slippery root 'Cause I'd stick up in the trail, and I'd flop you on your tail, Oh, I wish I were a monkey in the zoo 'Cause I'd sit up on a shelf, and I'd scratch my little self, Oh, I wish I were a little beddy bug I'd go bitey, bitey, bitey, under everybody's nightie Oh, I wish I were a little piece of glass I'd go cutty, cutty, cutty and make everybody bloody

TEN IN THE BED There were ten in the bed, and the little one said, "Roll over, roll over." So they all rolled over and one fell out CRASH! There were nine in the bed, and the little one said, "Roll over, roll over." So they all rolled over and one fell out .. [Continue, until you get to none, or at one left, have them fall in till the bed is full again] SONG THAT NEVER ENDS This is a song that never ends. Yes it goes on and on my friends. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, And they'll continue singing it forever just because... (Repeat) SHE'LL BE COMING ROUND THE MOUNTAIN She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes. She'll be coming 'round the mountain, She'll be coming 'round the mountain, She'll be coming 'round the mountain, when she comes. She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes (toot toot) She'll be driving six white horses when she comes (whoa back) Oh we'll all come out to meet her when she comes (hi there) She'll be wearing pink pyjamas when she comes (wolf whistle) Oh we'll kill the old red rooster when she comes (hack hack) Oh well all drink apple cider when she comes (glug glug) Oh we'll all have chicken dumplings when she comes (yum yum) She'll have to sleep with grandma when she comes (snore snore) Shell will wear a flannel nightie when she comes (scratch scratch)
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I KNOW AN OLD LADY WHO SWALLOWED A FLY I know an old lady who swallowed a fly. But I don't know why she swallowed a fly. Perhaps she'll die. I know an old lady who swallowed a spider That wiggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. She swallowed the spider to catch the fly, But I don't know why she swallowed a fly. Perhaps she'll die. Continue adding on verses: Bird . . . How absurd to swallow a bird. Cat . . . Imagine that! She swallowed a cat. Dog . . . What a hog! She swallowed a dog. Goat . . . She opened her throat and in walked a goat. Cow . . . I don't know how she swallowed that cow. Cheese . . . that makes you want to sneeze. Soot . . . they grow it by the foot. Goats . . . eating all the oats Bees . . . with little knobby knees. Owls . . . shredding paper towels. Apes . . . eating all the grapes. Turtles . . . wearing rubber girdles. Bear . . . with curlers in its hair. Buffalos . . . with hair between their toes. Foxes . . . stuffed in little boxes. Roaches . . . sleeping in the coaches. Flies . . . swarming 'round the pies. Fishes . . . washing all the dishes. Moths . . . eating through the cloths Scouts . . . eating brussel sprouts. Leaders . . . slapping at the skeeters. There was an old lady, she swallowed a horse. Shes DEAD of course!

QUARTERMASTER'S STORE Chorus: Mine eyes are dim, I cannot see. I have not brought my specs with me. I have not brought my specs with me. There was Jerry, Jerry, Looking for a berry In the store (in the store) In the store (in the store) There was Jerry, Jerry, Looking for a berry In the quartermaster store. Mice . . . running through the rice. Snakes . . . as big as garden rakes. Beans . . . as big as submarines. Gravy . . . enough to float the navy. Cakes . . . that give us tummy aches. Eggs . . . with scaly chicken legs. Butter . . . running in the gutter. Lard . . . they sell it by the yard. Bread . . . with great big lumps like lead. I STUCK MY HEAD IN A LITTLE SKUNK'S HOLE Oh, I stuck my head In a little skunk's hole, And the little skunk said, Upon my soul, Take it out! Take it out! Take it out! Remove it. Oh, I didn't take it out, And the little skunk said, If you don't take it out, You'll wish you were dead. Take it out! Take it out! Take it out! Psssst. I removed it.

THE THRESHING MACHINE I once knew a farmer I knew him quite well, And he had a daughter, her name it were Nell, Although she were only the age of sixteen, She wanted to see my old threshing machine. Chorus: I had her, I had her, I had her, I aye! I had her, I had her, I had her, I aye! She was so young and pretty and only sixteen She wanted to see my old threshing machine !

The barn door lay open so we stepped inside, And there in the corner some hay I espied, So while she worked the throttle and I worked the steam, Together we worked my old threshing machine. CHORUS Oh farmer, oh farmer! I've come to confess, I've left your young Nell in a hell of a mess, Her clothes are all torn and her .... are all bare, And there's something inside her that shouldn't be there. CHORUS Three months have gone by and the truth's but to tell, There's something the matter with our little Nell, For under her apron can clearly be seen, She's got too much chaff from my threshing machine.
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CHORUS Nine months later and all's going well, A son has been born unto our little Nell, And under his nappy can clearly be seen, A brand new two cylinder threshing machine. CHORUS Cockles and muscles In Dublin's fair city, where the girls are so pretty I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone She wheeled her wheelbarrow, Through the streets broad and narrow Crying cockles and muscles alive alive O She was a fishmonger, sure 'twas no wonder For so were her father and mother before They drove their wheel barrow Through the streets broad and narrow Crying cockles and muscles alive alive O She died of the fever, and no one could save her And that was the end of sweet Molly Malone But her ghost wheels her barrow Through the streets broad and narrow Crying cockles and muscles alive alive O Alice The Camel Alice the camel has five humps, Alice the camel has five humps, Alice the camel has five humps, Go Alice go. Boom, Boom, Boom. Alice the camel has four humps, . . . . . Alice the camel has three humps, . . . . . Alice the camel has two humps, . . . . . Alice the camel has one hump, . . . . . Alice the camel has no humps, Alice the camel has no humps, Alice the camel has no humps, Alice your a Horse ! {YELL}

A very rude song to finish There is a winding passage that leads up to my heart And what comes down this passage is commonly called a fart A fart is very useful, it sets the mind at ease It warms the bed on Winter nights and disinfects the fleas! A fart it is quite wonderful its made inside your belly It passes through you bottom and its often very smelly Everybody does them from vicars down to Queens And you can do some corking chuffs if youve been eating beans So hurrah for your methane, 3 cheers for your trumps But if you strain a tad too hardplease check your pants for lumps! Cruelty to Animals There was a yellow bird (repeat) With a yellow bill (repeat) It landed on (repeat) My window sill (repeat) I coaxed him in (repeat) With a piece of bread (repeat) And then I squashed (repeat) His fuzzy head (Repeat) Other verses ....piece of cheese ....And then I whacked....it on the knees.... ....plate of spaghetti....then I cut off its wings....with my machete.... ....chicken Chow Mein....put a straw up its nose....and sucked out its brain.... More can be made up Ashanti War Cry The ashanti people of west africa would sing this by their campfire to scare the english soldiers who were sleeping nearby in a barracks. They would start off quiet as if the were far away and then gradually get louder until the english thought that the ashanti were right outside their door Leader : odoloyra everyone else : repeat Leader : a berry tiki toomba everyone else : repeat Leader : a maza maza maza everyone else : repeat leader : bod oo aayy bod oo aayy bod oo a everyone else : repeat then slowly get louder

7 old ladies chorus: Oh dear, what can the matter be , 7 old ladies stuck in the lavatry they were there from sunday to saturday, and nobody knew they were there. The first to go in was old Mrs. Flynn, she prided herself on being so thin but when she sat down, she fell right in, and nobody knew she was there. The next to go in was old Mrs. Humphrey, when she sat down, she got cozy and comfy, but when she stood up she couldn't get her bum free. and nobody knew she was there. The next to go in was old Mrs.*****el, who jumped the door because she hadn't a nickle, she got her foot caught, oh what a pickle, and nobody knew she was there. The next to go in was old Mrs. Slodder, she was the Duke of Efferington's daughter, she went to pass some superflous water , and nobody knew she was there. The next to go in was old Mrs. Brewster, who couldn't see as good as she used to, when she sat down, she swore sombody goosed her, and nobody knew she was there. The next to go in was old Mrs. fender, who went in to fix her suspender, it snapped and injured her feminine gender, and nobody knew she was there. The next to go in was old Mrs. Draper, who couldn't find the toilet paper, all she could find was a rusty paint scraper, and nobody knew she was there. The next to go in was old Mrs. Murray, who had to go in a hell of a hurry, when she got there, there was no need to worry, and nobody knew she was there.
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the last to go in was old Mrs. Mason. there wasn't a place, so she went in the basin, and thats the one I washed my face in, and nobody knew she was there. Joe In this one the audience repeats each line straight after the leader and keeps the ever increasing actions going through the whole thing. Hi My names Joe And I work in a button factory One day me boss says to me Are you busy Joe? So I says no So he says push this button with your right hand. As the song progresses, you add in more bits to push the button with until you are leaping around like mad things. You can push buttons with almost anything including hands, legs, heads, tongues (always a favourite) and backsides.

Yogi Bear
Yogis into politics, tony, tony, tony tony blear Yogi is a naturist, bare bear Cindy's into whips and chains kinky, kinky, kinky kinky bear Yogi uses featherlite, Clever, etc boo boo put a hole in it, bastard bear cindy likes it green and hard, cucum, cucum, cu cu cu cumbear yogi does it on the fridge, polar bear yogi does it upside down, koala bear yogi does it ina police car, Panda bear cindys got PTM, grizzly bear Boo boo likes it up the arse, brown bear Yogi's got a cheesy cock, camen bear

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My Husband's a vet
My husband's a vet, a vet, a vet, A very fin vet is he all day long he rectals cows he rectals cows he rectals cows, And when he comes home he reectals me. Chorus: You've got to drink a little bit, Fuck a little bit, Follow the band Toot Toot Follow the band with your tits in your hand, Drink a little bit, Fuck a little bit follow the band, Follow the band all the way My husband's a farmer a farmer a farmer, A very fine farmer is he, All day long he pulls ploughs, he pulls ploughs, he pulls ploughs, and when he gets home he pulls me. Chorus, My husbands a joiner, a joiner, a joiner, A very fine joiner is he, All day long he drills wood he drills wood he drills wood, And when he comes home he drills me, Chorus My husband's a secretary, a secretary, a secretary, A very fine secretary is he, All day long he sorts files, he sorts files, he sorts files, and when he comes home he sorts me. Chorus My husband's a brickie, a brickie, a brickie, A very fine brickie is he, All day long he lays bricks, he lays bricks, he lays bricks, And when he comes home he lays me. Chorus

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My husband's a bodybuilder, a bodybuilder, a bodybuilder, A very fine bodybuilder is he, All day long he pumps iron, he pumps iron, he pumps iron, And when he comes home he pumps me. Chorus My husband's a lawyer, a lawyer, a lawyer, A very fine lawyer is he. All day long he screws you he screws you he screws you, And when he comes home he screws me. Chorus

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Charlotte The Harlot

(Sung to the tune of "Sweet Betsy From Pike") CHORUS: She's filthy, she's nasty, She spits on the floor, Charlotte the Harlot, the cowpuncher's whore. Way out in the wild west where the bullshit lies thick, Where the women are women and the cowboys come quick, There lives a fair maiden of forty or more, Charlotte the Harlot, the cowpuncher's whore. She's handy, she's bandy, she screws in the street, Whenever you meet her she's always in heat, If you leave your fly open she's after your meat, And the small of her cunt knocks you right off your feet. She's easy, she's breezy, she's my hearts delight, I'll fuck her by day and fuck her by night, And each time I fuck her she shouts out, "Encore," I call that great fucking and I want some more. One night on the prairie while riding along, One hand on my pistol and one on my dong, What should I spy but the maid I adore, Charlotte the Harlot, the cowpuncher's whore. One night I was riding way down by the falls, One hand on my pistol, the other on my balls, What should I see but Charlotte using a stick, Instead of the end of a cowpuncher's prick. One night on the desert her legs opened wide, A rattlesnake saw it and climbed up inside, Now all the cowboys on Saturday night, Come see the vagina that rattles and bites. I leapt from my saddle and reached for her crack, But the damn thing was rattling and bit me back, I pulled out my six gun and aimed for its head, But the damn thing misfired and shot Charlotte instead. I caressed her, undressed her, and laid her down there,
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And parted the tresses of curly brown hair, Inserted the penis of my sturdy horse, And then there began a strange intercourse. Faster and faster went my sturdy steed, Until Charlotte rejoiced at the speed, When all of a sudden my horse did backfire, And shot Charlotte right into the mire. He got Charlotte all covered in muck, And said, "Oh dear, cowboy, what a glorious fuck," She stepped a pace forward and fell flat on the floor, And that was the end of the cowpuncher's whore. The funeral procession was forty miles long, And all of the cowboys were singing the song, "Here lies a maiden who never kept score, Charlotte the Harlot, the cowpuncher's whore."

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I Don't Know What His Name Is...

CHORUS: I don't know what his name is and wherever he may be, Just listen while I tell you what he did to me! I went through the front gate Like a good girl should, And he slipped round the back way Like I knew he would. I went in the front door Like a good girl should, And he slipped in behind me Like I knew he would. I went up the stairs Like a good girl should, And he came up behind me Like I knew he would. I went in my bedroom Like a good girl should, And he slipped in behind me Like I hoped he would. I took all my clothes off Like a good girl should, And he took off his trousers Like I knew he would. I put on my 'jamas Like a good girl should, And then he took them off again Like I knew he would. I got into bed Like a good girl should, And he got in beside me Like I knew he would. I laid on my side Like a good girl should, But then he turned me over
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Like I knew he would. FINAL CHORUS: I don't know what his name is and wherever he may be, It's none of your damned business what he did to me!

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Lulu
CHORUS: Oh gang bang Lulu, Lulu's goin' away. Who we gonna gang bang, when Lulu's gone away?

Some girls work in factories, Some girls work in stores, But my girl works in a whorehouse, With forty other whores. I took her to the pictures, We sat down in the stalls, And every time the lights went out, She grabbed me by the balls. She and I went fishing, In a dainty punt, And every time I hooked a fish, She stuffed it up her cunt. I wish I was a silver ring, Upon my Lulu's hand, And everytime she scratched her cunt, I'd see the promised land. Lulu had a puppy, Lulu had a duck, She put them in the bathtub, To see if they would fuck. A rich girl has a bra, A poor girl uses string, but Lulu uses neither, She lets the bastards swing. A rich girl has a ring of gold, A poor girl one of brass, The only ring that Lulu has, Is the one around her ass. A rich girl uses Vaseline, A poor girl uses lard,
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Lulu uses axle-grease, Because her cunt's so hard. Lulu had a baby, It was an awful shock, She couldn't call it Lulu 'cos, The bastard had a cock. A rich girl uses Kotex, A poor girl a sheet, Lulu uses nothing at all, It dribbles in the street. Lulu had a boyfriend, His name was Tommy Tucker, He took her to the bushes, To see if he could fuck her. Lulu met a fisherman, Fishing for some bass, Instead of catching fish that day, He got a piece of ass. Lulu met a breakaway, She liked the way he rucked, The breakaway liked Lulu, He liked the way she fucked. Lulu met a scrum half, Sat down in his lap, Lulu got the scrum half, The scrum half got the clap. Lulu had two boyfriends, Both named Mitch, One was a son of a baker, The other was a son-of-a-bitch. Lulu met a rugby team, She liked the way they played, The team liked Lulu, They liked the way she laid.

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A rich girl drives a limousine, A poor girl drives a truck, But the only ride that Lulu has, Is when she has a Fuck. A rich girl uses tampons, A poor girl uses rags, Lulu uses nothing at all, Or shoves up burlap bags. I wish I was a chamber pot, Under Lulu's bed, And every time she took a piss, I'd see her maidenhead.

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A durty series of limericks

T'was on the good ship Venus by god you should have seen us the figurehead was a nude in bed sucking a red hot penus the cabin boy's name was kipper the dirty little nipper he filled his arse with broken glass and circumcised the skipper The ladies of the nation Arose in indignation, They stuffed his bum with chewing gum, A smart retaliation. the ship's dog's name was rover some bastard chucked him over he hit his balls on every rock from plymoth round to dover The Captain's wife was Mabel, Whenever she was able, She gave the crew their daily screw, Upon the galley table, The Captain's randy daughter, She fell into the water, Delighted squeals revealed that eels, Had found her sexual quarter. The cook whose name was Freeman, He was a dirty demon, He served the crew with menstrual stew, And foreskins fried in semen. The engineer was McTavish, And young girls he did ravish, His missing tool's at Istanbul, He was a trifle lavish.
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Oh sir Jasper
Oh Sir Jasper do not touch me, Oh Sir Jasper do not touch me, Oh Sir Jasper do not touch me, As she lay between the lily-white sheets with nothing on at all Oh Sir Jasper do not touch _, Oh Sir Jasper do not touch _, Oh Sir Jasper do not touch _, As she lay between the lily-white sheets with nothing on at all Oh Sir Jasper do not _ _, Oh Sir Jasper do not _ _, Oh Sir Jasper do not _ _, As she lay between the lily-white sheets with nothing on at all Oh Sir Jasper do _ _ _, Oh Sir Jasper do _ _ _, Oh Sir Jasper do _ _ _, As she lay between the lily-white sheets with nothing on at all Oh Sir Jasper _ _ _ _, Oh Sir Jasper _ _ _ _, Oh Sir Jasper _ _ _ _, As she lay between the lily-white sheets with nothing on at all Oh Sir _ _ _ _ _, Oh Sir _ _ _ _ _, Oh Sir _ _ _ _ _, As she lay between the lily-white sheets with nothing on at all Oh _ _ _ _ _ _, Oh _ _ _ _ _ _, Oh _ _ _ _ _ _, As she lay between the lily-white sheets with nothing on at all

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Yogi Bear
I know a bear that you wont know, Yogi, Yogi, I know a bear that you wont know, Yogi Yogi bear. Yogi Yogi bear!! Yogi Yogi bear!! I know a bear that you wont know, Yogi Yogi bear. Yogi's got a girlfriend bear, Suzie, Suzie, Yogi's got a girlfriend bear, Suzie Suzie bear Suzie Suzie bear!! Suzie Suzie bear!! Yogi's got a girlfriend bear, Suzie Suzie bear. Suzie she likes whips and chains, kinky, kinky, Suzie she likes whips and chains, she's kinky bear. shes's kinky bear!! she's kinky bear!! Suzie likes whips and chains, she's kinky bear. Suzie shaves her pubic hairs, grizley, grizley, Suzie shaves her pubic hairs, she's a grizley bear. She's a grizley bear!! She's a grizley bear!! Suzie shaves her pubic hairs, she's a grizley bear. Yogi's knob is long and green, cue cum, cue cum, Yogi's knob is long and green he's a cue cum bear. He's a cucumbear!! He's a cucumbear!! Yogi's knob is long and green he's a cucumbear. Suzie put it in her mouth, GOBLIN!! GOBLIN!! Suzie put it in her mouth, she's a goblin bear. She's a goblin bear!! She's a goblin bear!! Suzie put it in her mouth, she's a goblin bear!! Yogi's got a cheesey knob, camin, camin Yogi's got a cheesey knob, he's a camin bear. He's a camin bear!! He's a camin bear!! Yogi's got a cheesey knob, he's a camin bear. Boo Boo turnes up with his friends, gang bang, gang bang, Boo Boo turns up with his friends, he's a gang bang bear. He's a gang bang bear!! He's a gang bang bear!! Boo Boo turns up with his friends, he's a gang bang bear. Whose that bear right over there? Big tits, blonde hair, Whose that bear right over there? Big tits and blonde hair.
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It must be Dani bear!! It must be Dani bear!! She's got big tits and blonde hair, it must be Dani bear. (SLOW) Now I'm here all on my own.....lonely.....lonely, Now I'm here all on my own.....I'm a lonely bear. What can I do all on my own?? Lonely....Lonely, what can I do all on my own?? I'm a ****** bear!! (FAST- BACK TO NORMAL) I'm a ****** bear!! I'm a ****** bear!! Everytime I'm on my own...I'M A ****** BEAR!! I'm a ****** bear!! I'm a ****** bear!! Everytime I'm on my own....I'm a ****** bear!!

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