ART BUCHWALD'S NOT-SO-COMMON COLD

(Condensed from "LAID BACK IN WASHINGTON") It's not just the disease that caused distress, it's the diagnosis Because medical costs are rising so fast, more people are analyzing their own illnesses and-worse-those of their friends. Recently, I had a cold just like the ones you see on television. I was sneezing, coughing and looking mournfully at my wife. I phoned my sectary at the office and said I wouldn't be in because I felt lousy. "You must have one of those eight-hour things that's going around," she said. "You'll feel fine tomorrow." Eight hours seemed to be a reasonable time to have a cold, and I was looking forward to staying in bed, particularly since the Yankees and Red Sox were playing a crucial game. My sister called, and I told her I had one of those "eight-hour things that's been going around." "Are you sure?" she asked. "It could be the twenty-four-hour bug. Harold had it last week. Do you have a fever?" "A little." "That's the twenty-four-hour bug. Drink fluids and take aspirin, and you'll shake it off." I really hadn't counted on staying in bed 24 hours, but it's stupid to fight a bug. My other sister called up ten minutes later. "Edith tells me you've a twenty-four-hour bug." "I don't know if it's a bug or just a cold." "Is your nose red from blowing it?" "Sure." "Then you have a forty-eight-hour virus." "My sectary said I had an 'eight-hour thing." "The eight-hour one is different. With it, you feel funny, but your nose doesn't get red. The twenty-four-hour bug has the same symptons, except that you cough a lot. The fortyeight-hour virus makes you sneeze, cough and perspire. You have to stay in bed for two days." "But I can't stay in bed two days!" "Look," she said. "If you don't want medical advice, don't ask me." This might have settled it except that my sectary told my friend Healy I was home with the flu. He called, of course. "I feel for you," he said. "You won't be able to shake it for two weeks. If it was a winter cold you'd be better in six days. But you have a fall cold. It's almost impossible to get rid of. Hear my voice? It's been like this since August." "But suppose my cold goes away in twenty-four hours?" "That's when it can be most dangerous. You think that it's gone and a week later it's back with a vengeance." Word travels fast in Washington, and my friend Elfin was terse and to the point. "Healy tells me you have an incurable pneumonia." "Either that," I said, "or an eight-hour thing, or a twenty-four-hour bug, or a forty-eighthour virus, or a two-week bout with the flu. I'm waiting for another opinion righ now." "From whom?" "My druggist. He says there's a lot of it going around." "What's going around?" "You name it and he says he's never seen so much of it going around."

IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!
BETRAYAL Learning her husband had betrayed her, Vera Czermak jumped out her third-story window in Prague. The newspaper Vicerni Praha reported that Mrs. Czermak was recovering in hospital, after landing on her husband - who was killed.

UNLUCKY IN LOVE A young Taiwanese man wrote some 700 love letters to his girlfriend in the years 1974 - 76, trying to persuade her to marry him. His persistence finally brought results. The United Press reported that the girl had become engaged - to the postman who faithfully delivered all the letters.

CONSPICUOUS CONSUMPTION Victorien Sardou, a French playwright, knocked over his wine glass at a formal dinner party. The lady next to him sprinkled salt on the stain. To ward off ill fortune, Sardou tossed some of the salt over his shoulder - straight into the eyes of a waiter about to serve him chicken. The man clutched his eyes, and the platter crashed to the floor. The family dog attacked the fowl so greedily that he began to choke on a bone. The son of the house jumped up to wrest the bone out of the dog's throat - and the dog savagely bit his finger. It had to be amputated.