THE DAILY MEATLOAF

Saturday 8th September 2012 Carlisle & District Edition - Late Final 1.20 1.20

MAN PISSES OFF STAFF AT EDINGBURGH ART GALLERY

Steven Miller star of the hit movie the Night Harvester, a story about a nocturnal talking tractor with magical powers has been arrested after he was caught urinating behind a priceless giant metal boot sculpture in an Edinburgh art gallery. Staff at the gallery had already told Miller don't touch the exhibits and were stunned when he started urinating on the priceless metal boot that once belonged to Ludwig Van Beethoven. Miller who resides in Carlisle is no stranger to urinating in public places, he has been caught twice before once for urinating behind a 1.1 fiat panda on Lowther street and more recently after urinating behind a false wall in a Manchester nightclub. Miller who was at a premier for his new film Greg Abbott Turkey, Toasties & Team Talks in Edinburgh on Friday night was thought to have been on a drinking binge of kopparberg & Peroni all Saturday morning before heading to the art gallery. When questioned by police he told them Im currently working on a new film called Catman, its a bit like Catwoman with Halle Berry but with a bloke instead who fights crime but also marks his territory by pissing on things. Miller who should know better about urinating in public lost his penis in a pissing accident in the Manchester nightclub when Urinating behind a false wall, he accidentally urinated on a plug socket that staff usually use to plug in Henry the hoover to clean up after a popcorn party, he now has a prosthetic wooden penis hand carved by aborigines. It is thought that Miller will be let off with a final warning as the judge will take into account his charity work of teaching balloon puppetry to self-abusers and also the judge is thought to want a signed balloon model of the sweet baby Jesus. Top Right: Miller as Catman Bottom Right: Millers aboriginal penis

NOBEL PEACE PRIZE FOR CARLISLE MAN

James Kirton a free range rancher of sacrificial animals who also works as a floater at metal box has been nominated for the nobel peace prize after his invention the Rug Muncher a wind powered carpet recycling machine is thought to reverse the effects of climate change. Excited boffins from the University of Cumbria said I cant quite believe it I mean whod have thought that recycling carpets could reverse climate change Its thought that fibres in carpets contain an utter cunt of a chemical called Graham Westley named after the Preston Knob end manager. Kirton told the Meatloaf how he came up with the idea Well I was floating around at work thinking how I could make the world a better place and become a pussy magnet at the same time, then the eureka moment struck. I thought back to the previous evening when my neighbour was burning an old carpet in his garden and the smoke was proper black like, my animals that were supposed to be sacrificed at David Camerons birthday party choked to death and my cream chinos on the washing line turned black. After confronting the inconsiderate bastard and taking a shit on the roof of his Nissan Micra I then returned to my room to finish off bashing the bishop to PaigeTaylor_93 twitter photos, little did I realise that that evenings events could possibly bag me the Nobel Peace Prize. Thats why I came up with the idea of a wind powered carpet shredder which not only was carbon neutral but it also meant that the shreds of carpet could be used for other things like patch work quilts and sprinkling on the ground to choke to death small woodland creatures and cats looking to shit in your flower beds. Only after unveiling it at the University of Top: James kirton Cumbria open day did we realise its full potential when the rain stopped and it was sunny Bottom: The Rug Muncher for a day afterwards which led us to believe we have solved the climate change problem. Yetti spotted in Penrith Last night terrified residents in Penrith spoke of what they believed was a yeti roaming the streets, one man who was in the area at the time told the Meatloaf the truth of the matter. Andrew Carr from Sandysike said I can see how people could confuse Ross Parkinson (Right) for a yeti with wild ginger hair, sausage like fingers and a kite the size of a people carrier, but really they shouldnt be too worried by him he only leaves the house once a year and if he approaches you just protect your nipples.

THE MEATLOAF SPORT

Sporting news from North and West Cumbria
Hodgson sets his sights on gold
Carlisles very own Gareth Hodgson has the chance to cement his status as the fastest caravanner in the world with victory in Sunday's T45 10,000m Caravan pull final. Hodgson has only recently become a paralympian after a footballing accident left him with limited use of his right leg. The injury occurred after a Liveseyesque long ball went wrong damaging his cruciate ligaments and tearing his ball sack in the process, but Hodgson has not let this hinder him and he has now emerged as one of caravan pulling's hottest prospects. Hodgson spoke to us earlier today and told us how he managed to break into caravan pulling and also how he will prepare ahead of what he described as Above: Hodgson raring to go with his Transit scooter and supercharged Appleby caravan the toughest test of his life. Hodgson said Well Ive always been around caravans since I was a bairn and with gypsy blood in my veins I couldnt think of a more suitable sport to get into, also having a caravan with you its like a home away from home and if you get tired you can just pull over put the kettle on then have a kip. Hodgson also told us how he prepares for his races To get myself ready for a big race I find the best way to prepare is to sit in the caravan with the lights off order a dominos pizza then stick the Scatman on repeat, nothing gets me pumped more than that. Hodgson is definitely one to keep your eye on and after the Olympics he is hoping to raise money for cash strapped Carlisle United with his campaign SIGN A DECENT STRIKER FOR FUCKS SAKE by jumping the grand canyon. Martyn Taggart a window fitter from Carlisle has travelled to Jamaica for an intensive bobsleigh training course. Taggart who has only just recovered from a severe prolapse injury after he was hanging a pair of curtains in the nude and fell from the ladder landing on a coconut hed won at the Cumberland show told us how he frantically tried to remove the coconut. He said As soon as it happened I went into panic mode I ran to the tool shed and grabbed a foot pump and some Castrol GTX . I thought that if I lubed up my brown eye with the GTX and pumped up my anus I could maybe fart it back out and thats when disaster struck the pressure was so great on release that my shitter prolapsed and I can only describe the outcome like turning a pink sock inside out. Also the coconut must have came out at about 88mph because it smashed my Kasabian picture off the wall then disappeared leaving a trail of flames, which explains why I got hit in the head with a oil covered coconut at my 11th birthday party, it must have gone back in time!

JAMAICA #1

Above: Taggart Learning the turns in the tub After making a miraculous recovery Taggart has now travelled to Jamaica after watching the inspirational movie CoolRunnings Taggart told us I know in CoolRunnings that the Jamaican bobsleigh team was made up of sprinters but I once drove a Mercedes sprinter van so I think Ive got what it takes he now hopes that with his intensive training from the best driver in the world Derice Bannock he will be ready in time for the 2014 Olympic games in Russia.