The Ball Washer

Lance Manion

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Smashwords Edition Copyright 2012 by Lance Manion Enterprises www.lancemanion.com All rights reserved. No part o this p!blication may be reprod!ced or transmitted in any orm or by any means" electronic or mechanical" incl!ding photocopy" recording or any in ormation storage and retrieval system" witho!t permission in writing rom the copyright owner. Edited by #oni $an%in toniran%in&gmail.com Cover Art 'ane Low & Eboo% La!nch covers&eboo%la!nch.com

Table of Contents
Also by Lance Manion (ntrod!ction the ball washer Abo!t the A!thor 2 stories rom the Lance Manion boo% Merci !l )l!sh 2 stories rom the Lance Manion boo% Results May Vary

ALSO BY LANCE MANION

Merciful Flush Results Ma !ar

" Intro#uction "

*o! cheap bastard. Chances are pretty good yo!+ve never read one o my boo%s be ore b!t" as soon as ( release one that is ree" here yo! sit reading away on my dime. *o! almost deserve the st!pidity that ollows. ,hat yo! don+t reali-e is that yo!+ve wal%ed into a trap. *o! see i yo!+re one o those people who loo% at the maga-ines pop!lating the little rac%s above the candy while chec%ing o!t at the grocery store and get the eeling that yo! crash landed on this planet then yo! might act!ally en.oy some o the stories in this boo%. ( yo! get the !rge to hoist the trembling ist at the seemingly innocent p!blications dedicated to showcasing winning smiles and vapid dramas then yo!+ll probably en.oy a lot o them. ( yo! are constantly illed with the !rge to drive yo!r th!mbs into the eye soc%ets o the empty/ headed whore/o /the/month eat!red on the cover ... now we+re tal%ing. 'on+t get me wrong tho!gh" ( am not loo%ing to assemble an a!dience o p!rely o!tcasts and mis its. 0enerally those people are creepy and have d!bio!s personal hygiene. (+m loo%ing or the almost/normal o!t there. #he goal being to stim!late their inner/weirdness so ( can eel better abo!t the d!mb st! going on between my own ears. So ( can eel li%e it+s not .!st me. 1l!s" the trap ( mentioned earlier is to get yo! interested in my writing so yo!+ll co!gh !p or my other boo%s. #o do that it helps i yo! have the ability to get a .ob and blend in with the rest o the glossy/maga-ine/b!ying pop!lation. Sorry or all the hyphenated words. ( incl!ded a ew more stories in this boo% than !s!al b!t as it+s ree yo! can+t really complain too m!ch i yo! have to slosh thro!gh a ew boring and2or st!pid ones. ,hatever happens rom here on o!t" yo!+re getting yo!r money+s worth.

the ball $asher

#ravel always seems to leave me eeling a bit o!t o sorts. Chec%ing into a hotel that had the word +val!e+ in the name didn+t help. 3n the way to my room ( wal%ed thro!gh an odor that reminded me somehow o the inal apocalyptic throwdown between good and evil i " instead o the battle ta%ing place between the orces o good and evil" it was the smell o !rine and disin ectant acing o . #he stin% was 4!ite ormidable. #he room" o co!rse" had the re4!isite amo!nt o mold and peeling wallpaper b!t the cherry on top was when ( went to br!sh my teeth ( o!nd a p!bic hair in the sin%. #he sin%. )rom the moment ( entered the room ( had braced mysel or p!bic hairs to be coating the t!b and toilet seat b!t the sin%5 #here was only one inescapable concl!sion to be reached6 the previo!s occ!pant o the room had been a ball washer. $eeling a little rom that reali-ation ( went o!t to grab some l!nch. A ter spending r!itless min!tes holding !p the bee 7n cheddar that was handed to me and comparing it to the pict!re o the bee 7n cheddar as presented in the pict!re only a ew eet over the head o the disinterested cashier at the nearby Arby+s" ( became aware that nobody save mysel was interested in the stri%ing di erence between the two sandwiches. 8owever m!ch ( raised my voice or presented my bee 7n cheddar or closer inspection the only thing that greeted me was the apathy o both the Arby+s managerial team and the c!stomers waiting behind me. ,here was the pride in their prod!ct5 ,here was the o!trage rom the cons!mer5 ( retreated to the men+s room to splash a little water on my ace and regain my compos!re. Even tho!gh my bee 7n cheddar loo%ed nothing li%e the Arby+s mar%eting department promised ( was still h!ngry and remained a s!c%er or their -esty signat!re sandwich. #hat+s when ( saw it. (n the sin%. A blac% n c!rly. ( had once again st!mbled !pon evidence o a ball washer. (n the men+s room o a ast ood establishment no less. 8ave people no shame at all5 My ace !nsplashed" ( was orced to bac%pedal o!t o the very place ( had bac%pedalled into and o!t to my waiting meal. ( ate !ncomposed. ,hich brings me to dinner. And altho!gh there were many ho!rs between dinner and my misadvent!re at l!nch ( was still noticeably !ncomposed as ( wal%ed into the 9ent!c%y ) Chic%en. ( say ) beca!se ( thin% the ol%s at 9ent!c%y ) Chic%en believe that i the American chic%en/b!ying p!blic hear the word fried these days they will lee terri ied into the streets never to ret!rn. Am ( the only person who+s noticed that over the years the si-e o the chic%en legs have contin!ed to shrin%5 ,hen ( was a %id ( distinctly remember holding !p a leg that wo!ld

have loo%ed more at home on a t!r%ey and easting li%e a miniat!re 8enry :(((. (t was all ( co!ld do to inish 2 o them be ore collapsing bac% st! ed and satis ied into the booth. 8ave yo! seen the legs they give yo! these days5 ( honestly wonder i the chic%ens are able to wal% aro!nd !nder their own power anymore. ( pict!re a great ield with all the chic%ens lying on their side !nable to stand !p on their tiny" wea%" pathetic" meatless legs. 3nce again" despite the airtight logic o my presentation" the cashier stood !n a-ed. No amo!nt o passion was able to sway him and he seemed to be willing to wait orever or me to wind down my criticism and complete my order. ( was le t standing to wait or my meal with a sense o hopelessness regarding the si-e o the legs that wo!ld soon be ma%ing their way rom the oven to my tray. )eeling ( co!ldn+t stand there a moment longer ( d!c%ed into the bathroom or a 4!ic% pee be ore my ood was presented. #he bathroom was ilthy. #he little chec%list hanging on the bac% o the door letting the c!stomer %now the last time it was cleaned showed ;illy had been in there to tidy things !p in )ebr!ary o 200<. ( relieved mysel and headed over to the sin% to wash my hands. And saw it. Another p!bic hair. My head swam and ( ca!ght a glimpse o mysel in the mirror. E=cept it was me in the hotel. My pants down. ( closed my eyes tight and tried to clear my head. ,hen ( opened them ( saw mysel shirtless and la!ghing in the Arby+s mirror. >Nooooooooooooo.> The first rule of ball washing is you don't talk about ball washing. (t co!ldn+t be. ( grabbed the sin% to hold mysel !p. ( elt the cold tile !nder my bare eet. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I'm free in all the ways that you are not. ( was hearing this rom the man in the mirror. #he man with his pants down and his balls in the sin%. The second rule of ball washing is you don't talk about ball washing. ( was the ball washer. Life After Crest ?p north yo! don+t see t!mbleweeds as m!ch as yo!+d thin%. Apparently they are a plant that is only o!nd in desert areas so the image o them t!mbling thro!gh abandoned cities and towns is only acc!rate i those cities and towns are hot and don+t get m!ch rain. ( g!ess that+s what ma%es them t!mble" they are rolling aro!nd loo%ing or water. ,ide open abandoned cities ripe to be t!mbled in or not" the plants !p north .!st throw o!t a ew seeds and are done with it. Can+t blame them really.

'oes r!in the whole abandoned city e=perience tho!gh or those o !s st!c% living thro!gh it. ( have hal a mind to gravitate down to some 3ld ,est town .!st to get the t!mbleweed e ect b!t ( g!ess it+s .!st not worth the e ort. ( still have the giant empty city with no power and only the so!nd o the wind and the occasional window alling rom one o the big b!ildings scene going. ( !se to li%e to watch Life fter !eople" ( thin% it was on the 8istory Channel" so a lot o what+s going on isn+t s!rprising to me. 1roblem is that the #: show wo!ld move at a clip o 2@ years at a time b!t here in real li e it+s all one day at a time so (+ll never see the b!ildings disappear entirely and the whole place ret!rn to a big orest. 3h well. (t will happen whether there is an a!dience or not" the 8istory Channel wo!ldn+t air something that wasn+t tr!e. #here ( go again" tr!sting something .!st beca!se it was said with a straight ace on #:. *o!+d thin% ( wo!ld have learned. Maybe the b!ildings will never go away and the 8istory Channel was !ll o it. 8ere+s the thing. ;ac% when toothpaste was doing a good .ob ighting cavities none o !s were any the wiser. ,e watched the ads or Crest and Colgate and elt pretty damn sa e and sec!re. Li%e these companies had o!r bac%. ,hen the irst whispers o tartar and plag!e started nobody too% m!ch notice. Near the end ( distinctly remember Life fter !eople being sponsored by Colgate Advanced ,hitening toothpaste. 8ow+s that or irony5 Li%e we sho!ld have been worried abo!t discolored teeth. #here are no coincidencesA somebody somewhere had a weird sense o h!mor. *o! see" by that time it was already starting to come o!t that the l!oride introd!ced into the water s!pply wasn+t .!st there to ma%e everyone eel better abo!t the whole plag!e thing. #he government had p!t it there to sedate the masses" to ta%e the edge o . #hey already %new what was coming and the longer they co!ld p!t o everybody else %nowing the more time they tho!ght they had to ig!re it o!t. Maybe (+m i=ated on t!mbleweeds beca!se they remind me so m!ch o mysel and all the other little bands o s!rvivors. Sc!rrying seemingly aimlessly aro!nd" b!t there was always some pressing need that drove !s to move rom 1oint A to 1oint ;. )ood" water" shelter" companionship. Something got !s o!t o o!r hiding spots and bac%" however brie ly" into the elements. ,hile the winds p!sh o!r Salsola trag!s b!ddies in whatever directions they happen to be going we listen to them whisper and howl and hope they bring !s some good news. ,hich they never do. #hey .!st whisper and howl the obvio!s. Colgate and Crest %new they were losing the war" l!oride or not" b!t they co!ldn+t start a panic. )ew people saw the writing on the wall" we all tho!ght we had plenty o time. ( g!ess yo! always thin% yo! have more time. #hen came gingivitis. Nobody was ready or it. (t started li%e these things always do. $!mors. Always rom +over there"+ someplace else. Someplace ar away. #hen it was down the street. Somebody yo! %new. #hen it was everywhere.

( haven+t seen anyone in almost a wee%. Maybe it+s time to head so!th a ter all. ( really wo!ld li%e to see a t!mbleweed t!mbling. ( %now it+s loo%ing or somewhere to disperse its seeds b!t ( imagine it loo%ing so care ree. #hat alone seems worth the trip. There%s a boat that is lea&in' soon for Ne$ Yor( Sometimes yo!+re as%ed to do a avor or someone and it ends !p not only being no big deal b!t yo! end !p en.oying yo!rsel . #his is not one o those cases. So it was that ( o!nd mysel seated in a s!b!rban high school a!ditori!m to watch an all/white all/teen cast p!t on 1orgy and ;ess. ( ( were to tell yo! right now that later on in this story ( will be !sing the term disaster to describe the per ormance ( bet yo!+re going to leap to the concl!sion that it somehow involves their singing or lac% o c!lt!ral sensitivity. *o! co!ldn+t be !rther rom the tr!th. ( act!ally en.oyed their renditions o 1orgy and ;ess classics s!ch as >(t (sn+t Necessarily So> and >;ess" *o! Are My ,oman Now>. ( didn+t ind the casting to be any less believable than when ( watched #he Cosby Show growing !p. So what was the problem5 ,ell the whole time (+m watching the show my eye %eeps getting p!lled over to this trashcan they had set !p in Cat ish $ow. (n order to add a little realism to the set they had long strands o red" orange and yellow cellophane obvio!sly being blown !p by a an inside the trash can to give the loo% o a ire. Now as ( sat there ( reali-ed that this was ar less dangero!s than having a real ire b!t at the same time ( tho!ght they were being aw !lly cavalier abo!t it. A a%e ire is still a a%e ire a ter all. S!re eno!gh in Act B while Sporting Li e Cwho" beca!se o the location o the prod!ction" doesn+t sell dr!gs b!t is instead a local distrib!tor o energy drin%sD" played with the %ind o grit yo! rarely see in a handsome blonde a l!ent teenager" is trying to convince ;ess to r!n o to New *or% City with him" ( see a yellow strand o cellophane brea% loose rom the trash can and loat o !nnoticed and land on the ric%ety wood stairs in the bac% o the stage. ,hile ;ess does her best to resist his sed!ctions ( s!ddenly see a ew more color !l stands o cellophane appear on the stairs. Soon the entire staircase er!pts into strands o cellophaneE 1anic ens!es as ad!lts r!sh in rom each o the stage with a%e/ ire e=ting!ishers b!t by that time the cellophane had 4!ic%ly spread to the s!rro!nding bac%drops and even the c!rtains had long strands o red" orange and yellow cellophane covering them. 1oor 1orgy Cportrayed with conviction by ;rad SilvermanD hadn+t even been given the chance to begin singing >3h" Lord" ( am on my way> when he was eng!l ed in cellophane. ;y now shoc% and dismay had swept thro!gh the crowd and we began to empty the a!ditori!m and ma%e o!r way down the ront steps o the high school and into the par%ing lot as the a%e/ ire alarm rang. ,e stood o!tside in the bris% night air and waited or the a%e/ ire department to come roaring !p in their a%e/ ire engines to p!t o!t the a%e/ ire that was threatening to ma%e it appear as i the whole b!ilding was b!rning to the gro!nd. #his is as good a time as any to mention the play was a disaster.

)ou' co*+le, ;oth scientists and philosophers have wondered how the !niverse will end. ,ill it be a bang or a whimper5 )ire or ice5 E=panding orever or a big cr!nch5 (t wo!ld o great interest to both parties to %now that the answer to that very 4!estion wo!ld soon be decided by 'o!g Casseber" a 1F year old living near 1hoeni=" Ari-ona. (t all started when 'o!g was 11 and developed an interest in astronomy. 'o!g was not a normal 11 year old" he was a very gi ted st!dent and his attention to detail was savant/ li%e. ,hen he was 12 he decided to p!t the night s%y on the ceiling o his room. ?nli%e most stoners who had a similar idea and went o!t and bo!ght a ew 'ay/0lo stic%ers to throw !p over their bed he divided his ceiling into h!ndreds o 4!adrants and then painsta%ingly recreated the visible night s%y in each" capt!ring every perceptible star within 100 million miles o Earth. ,hen he e=plained to his parents why it was ta%ing him wee%s o aro!nd/the/cloc% wor% to complete" he e=plained the stellar parameters he was !sing as the c!t/o point o l!minosity b!t they simply stared at him. #rying again" he started by e=plaining in ergs per second b!t they didn+t %now what an erg wasA so he told them. >An erg is the !nit o energy and mechanical wor% in the centimetre/gram/ second system o !nits" i.e. the amo!nt o wor% done by a orce o one dyne e=erted or a distance o one centimeter. (n the C0S base !nites" it is e4!al to one gram centimeter/ s4!ared per second/s4!ared ... gGcm22s2. (t is th!s e4!al to 10/F .o!les or 100 nano.o!les in S( !nits.> #hey t!rned and silently wal%ed bac% downstairs to the living room to res!me watching #:. As he grew older he waited patiently or a girl to share his ceiling with b!t a girl did not materiali-e. 8is intellect did not seem to be high on the list o eat!res high school girls were loo%ing or in a date. 'espite his best e orts he still ell or a girl anyway. 8e wo!ld lie !nder his alse s%y at night and loo% !p at the heavenly bodies and thin% abo!t hers !ntil one day he m!stered the co!rage to tell her that he had paid to name a star a ter her. A real bea!ty in the 1erse!s constellation. 8e co!ldn+t imagine a more romantic gest!re so when she reacted with con !sion and disdain he was cr!shed. 8e retreated to his room and there he sat loo%ing !p at 1erse!s and tried to pretend it wasn+t the end o the world. Later that night he stood on his bed and covered !p the star he had named a ter that !ngrate !l" !nworthy girl with a blac% magic mar%er. #he !nny thing was the ne=t night while loo%ing !p into s%y he loo%ed or +her+ star witho!t thin%ing b!t co!ldn+t ind it. 8e ran into the ho!se and came bac% o!t with his telescope. (t wasn+t there. (t had disappeared. An entire star. Something that was almost a million miles across only a ew days ago had s!ddenly vanished. (t co!ldn+t be beca!se o his blac% magic mar%er co!ld it5 #he HmagicI in magic mar%er is .!st a brand name right5 So he did what any angst/ illed 1F year old wo!ld have done. 8e got o!t a paint roller and blac%ed o!t an entire section o his s%y" one star or every girl that had re.ected him and then went to sleep. 8e awo%e in the morning to ind the internet b!--ing" television news programs in a state

o st!nned disbelie and astrophysicists worldwide having a complete meltdown. 8e went bac% into his room. Co!ld he get gro!nded or this5 Later that day while the implications o this ama-ing event were debated by the greatest minds and the most del!sional celebrities he decided to as% another girl o!t. ( she said no he wo!ld ta%e o!t his roller and paint his ceiling blac%. Every inch. 8e wondered what it wo!ld be li%e to then wal% o!tside and see nothing b!t blac%ness all aro!nd. No light anywhere. Alone in the !niverse. ( she said no then everyone on Earth wo!ld %now how he elt. #$arfs- *i#'ets an# blorcs ( yo! loo% at the history o dwar s in literat!re and ol%lore yo!+ll see what began in 0ermanic mythology as hearty creat!res that dwelled in mo!ntains and were associated with mining has contin!ed to this day with them being portrayed as a r!gged" strong and will !l race. Nowhere in any mythos have ( seen them depicted as big/headed" gnarly/ handed" bowed legged h!manoids who can+t r!n or more than 2 eet be ore they either all over or have everyone wondering when the !c% they are going to all over. ,hy do ( bring this !p5 ,ell it appears that #he Little 1eople o America" a non/pro it gro!p that apparently isn+t satis ied by the act that we no longer h!rl baby midgets o cli s as soon as we see they aren+t going to end !p taller than B eet" are !pset beca!se the movie "now #hite and the $untsman decided to !se normal/si-ed actors to play dwar s instead o +little people+. Are yo! %idding me5 (sn+t it !p to the director how he wants to portray dwar s5 *o! don+t see at people getting all !pset that there aren+t any ch!bby elves or blac%s getting pissed abo!t the lac% o blac% orcs Cblorcs5D. No yo! don+t. ,hy5 ;eca!se dwar s and elves and orcs are all antasyE (t+s !p to the interpretation o the creator o the movie as to how they will appear. ;!t no. #hat+s not good eno!gh or the midgets. Not content to have every other show on #: having a midget come crashing into every other scene and ta%e away rom what the !c% is going on they now want to try and m!scle in on dwar s and r!in them or !s too. 'war s are mighty warriors or !c%Js sa%eE Can yo! imagine a midget trying to swing a 2/handed battle a=e5 1ict!re that in yo!r head. 1ict!re itE *o!+re going to sit there with a straight ace and try and tell me that ,arwic% 'avis or 1eter 'in%lage co!ld have played 0rimli in The Lord of the Rings5 'o yo! have any idea how e=cr!ciating it wo!ld have been to watch that movie with one o those two hobbling aro!nd trying to act li%e a bad/ ass warrior5 (n that one scene where they have to r!n or ho!rs at a stretch to p!rs!e the leeing ?ra%i it wo!ld have ta%en ,arwic% 'avis a wee% .!st to ma%e it !p the irst hill in heavy armor. K.$.$. #ol%ien painted a very clear image o the dwar s in Middle Earth and they had nothing to do with the midgets that seem to be procreating at a brea%nec% pace these days. #here+s more to dwar s than being short and yo!+d thin% midgets wo!ld be the irst to recogni-e that. (+m .!st sic% to death o the political correctness that allows midgets to get !p in Cst!bbyD arms over something so st!pid. ,hy can+t they be happy that The #i%ard of &% and 'harlie and the 'hocolate (actory are always on the loo%o!t or small +actors+5 8ow

soon !ntil they are pissed o that there isn+t a pint/si-ed #in Man crashing2loping Chow wo!ld yo! describe it5D down the *ellow ;ric% $oad5 0et that orange paint on yo! !ppity 3ompa Loopa and sh!t yo!r ca%ehole. Now ( might be coming o as somewhat anti/midget when that co!ldn+t be !rther rom the tr!th. (+m .!st de ensive when it comes to people trying to hi.ac% something as close to my heart as dwar s. ( !se to play '!ngeons L 'ragons and let me tell yo! nobody wo!ld have played a dwar character i they had the characteristics o 1eter 'in%lage. ( thin% o!r party wo!ld have spent every advent!re raiding dwar towns d!e to the complete lac% o ris% in doing so. Me. >( hit the dwar with a stic%.> '!ngeon Master. >*o! do 1 point o damage. *o! %ill him.> #here. ( thin% that got it o!t o my system. And yes" midgets wo!ld ma%e shitty hobbits as well so they better stay the !c% o!t o 1eter Kac%son+s ace. #he CtinyD balls on those g!ysE rea# to start ( it weren+t or all the bl!rred vision and b!--ing ears and whatnot (+m s!re Kohn Sampilgremson wo!ld have appreciated the irony to a m!ch greater e=tent. ,hat with him being a bit up a tree in the metaphysical sense and at the same time being at least partially on a tree in the he+ll/be/needing/a/tow/very/shortly sense and all. (+ll give yo! the proverbial heads !p that this tale is headed nowhere good and i yo!+re o 4!estionable mental constit!tion or .!st plain having a bad day yo! might want to give this one a miss. (t wo!ld be misleading to state that this advent!re started o innocently eno!gh beca!se at the root o it all the innocent part isn+t 4!ite as innocent as the word innocent wo!ld lead yo! to believe. #ric%y word innocent. (t started o with Kohn driving down a road at high speed bellowing a song. Not any song" mind yo!" b!t a song seemingly designed or bringing Kohns to rest on top o trees. (t eat!red lines engineered to have the listener not only bellowing them b!t doing so with their eyes sh!t or e=tended periods o time. #his orm!la rarely wor%s o!t or the listener i said listener is h!rling themselves down a windy patch o road at brea%nec% speeds. *o! can see that the endeavor is ra!ght with peril rom the start. So yo! can now see where the innocent part is called into 4!estion. #he eye/closing" oot/still/pressed/ irmly/on/the/accelerator thing happened to go down d!ring the verse >the b!sinessman will drin% my blood ... li%e the %ids in art school said they wo!ld> ollowed 4!ic%ly by the road ta%ing a rather bris% le t while the minivan he was piloting chose to stay on a more straight ahead co!rse. Anyone can see how irresponsible it is to be writing and singing verses li%e that when the possibility e=ists that one o yo!r listeners might be operating heavy machinery. ,hat else is there to do d!ring s!ch a verse other than lean bac% with yo!r eyes closed or b!siness and sway yo!r head bac% and orth5 1artic!larly i yo! are Kohn Sampilgremson.

*o! see" Kohn was nearing @0 and had three children and a mortgage and had recently decided to ch!c% it all in and begin again as an actor in Cali ornia. 8e was act!ally on his way to a !sed car place to t!rn in the minivan in the hopes o getting a vehicle that wo!ld better e=press his new o!tloo%. At that point he wo!ld throw the l!ggage rom the ormer into the tr!n% o the latter and ma%e his escape with nobody the wiser. L!r%ing somewhere o!t there" he believed" was a dinner theater one man short o a s!ccess !l prod!ction. '!ring college he strode the boards" or however those creative types say it" and wo!ld breathe in the smell o sawd!st and resh paint the same way a lorist b!ries her nose into a partic!larly attractive nicotiana r!stica. 8e was theater thro!gh and thro!gh" the very pict!re o a card/carrying" lag/waving thespian. A ter college he was !nable to la!nch himsel directly into a !ll time acting gig so he got a real .ob and p!rs!ed his theatrical yearnings a ter ho!rs. (+ll stop here and let+s .!st ass!me yo!+re three steps ahead o me and yo!+ve already digested the pertinent details concerning his s!ccess !l rise in b!siness. #he wi e. #he three %ids. #he minivan. ,hich now sat perched on top o what remained o a tree. Sho!ld the tree have been a bit !rther along in years the collision wo!ld have wor%ed itsel o!t decidedly less in avor o the vehicle" b!t s!ggesting to Kohn at this .!nct!re that he was in any regards l!c%y might have gotten yo! a thic% ear. )The businessman will drink my blood ... like the kids in art school said they would). 8e was the %id in art school and now he was the b!sinessman who seems to have a cannibalistic leaning i yo! are to ta%e the singer at his word. *o! %now" the whole +path not ta%en+ syndrome" the slow boil. 8is happiness li%e the perspiration clinging to the warming %ettle. #he airbag didn+t even deploy. 8e sat there and started the song over again. Nobody saw him go o the road so he had a ew min!tes to himsel . 8e wo!ld never be an art school %id again and he elt pretty resol!te in thin%ing he was also no longer able to carry on with the part o a b!sinessman. 3r even a man. And clearly this minivan wasn+t going anywhere. Cali ornia seemed a long way o b!t his home seemed even !rther and m!ch less realistic. 8e t!rned o the engine" stepped o!t o the minivan and into the dar% ... even tho!gh it was early a ternoon.

Fa&orite Faceboo( Status u+#ates.

2 Aolan AML@0/LCB2A B/phase Air Circ!lators wal% into a room and see ;r!ce Springsteen standing there.3ne o them wal%s over and says >,e+re really big ans.> >1araprosdo%ian> comes rom 0ree% > NOPQ >" meaning >against> and > NPRSTRUVO >" meaning >e=pectation>. Canadian ling!ist and etymology a!thor #heodore 0ordman arg!es that" while the word is now in wide circ!lation" >paraprosdo%ian> Cor >paraprosdo%ia>D is not a term o classical Cor medievalD 0ree% or Latin rhetoric" b!t .!st

another way to say >gorilla .i-->. ,hen the ire department arrived they o!nd the ch!rch !lly eng!l ed. A spo%esperson or police say they have not determined the ca!se o the bla-e b!t at this time have not r!led o!t 0od+s will. A ter a year o !ns!ccess !lly trying to breed the emale leopard the -oo%eepers inally agreed to try bringing in a male leopard. (tJs li%e when (Jm on the shitter and s!ddenly the shower head" ho!rs a ter someone has had the last shower" g!rgles o!t a big wad o water o!t o nowhere. ( loo% !p at it and say Hyeah W ( %now how yo! eel.I ( have no idea what that means b!t ( say it sincerely and ( really do eel some sort o connection with it. ,atching the amo!nt o e ort it too% a baby to climb !p on a chair it occ!rred to me how m!ch better shape we+d all be in i we had enormo!s !rnit!re. Coastin' C irst appeared on www.whis%eypaper.com webpage <21X212D ( wonder sometimes where art is headed. Since the irst paintings were thrown !p on a cave wall there have been artists" critics" and a!dienceA and those three have been involved in a dance ever since. 'o the ast/ orwarding rom stic% ig!res to print to movies yo!rsel . Every leap and advancement is a story in itsel and ran%ly ( don+t have the time or interest to do it or yo!. (+m .!st dying to get to the part where ( tell yo! abo!t my new play. ;e ore ( do that tho!gh" let me say that or years ( have been torn between trying to impress my peers" gain the respect o the critics and win over the masses. ( !lly reali-e that most people have a splash o each within them" b!t ( thin% yo!+re smart eno!gh to %now that the masses only thin% that way beca!se they are d!mb as dirt. 'on+t thin% that beca!se ( ind the lac% o re inement in common ol%s detestable that ( en.oy the company o artists and critics tho!gh. )ar rom it. ,hen ( read a theatrical review o some o /o /;roadway crap that has critics raving simply beca!se it gives them an opport!nity to show o their vocab!lary and they %now in their heart o hearts that nobody will act!ally ta%e the time to go see the play" it ma%es my blood boil. ( wish the whole pretentio!s lot o them wo!ld simply disappear or" even better" be orced to get real .obs. So where does this leave me and what is my new play abo!t5 (+m glad yo! as%ed. (t cost me several million dollars to b!ild the theater that holds it b!t it was the only way to stage it. ,hen yo! wal% in yo!+ll see why. #he entire play ta%es place on a rollercoaster" a B story rollercoaster that both encircles the a!dience and pl!nges in and o!t o them. No loops b!t plenty o pl!nging. #he play is .!st !nder 2 ho!rs long and or the entire time the rollercoaster is h!rling aro!nd the a!dience" save the very irst min!te where it is climbing !p and the cast members riding it are introd!cing themselves with a bit o dialog!e. #here are also a ew

parts where the rollercoaster slows down to mimic the slow/motion e ect o the storyline at that .!nct!re b!t other than that it is going !ll speed the entire time. Casting too% orever as inding 1X actors who are impervio!s to motion sic%ness was not easy. Even with s!ch care !l screening it is rare that we get thro!gh an entire prod!ction witho!t at least a ew o them throwing !p at some point. #his might also be beca!se they are only allowed to eat corn dogs and cotton candy as the pre/show meal to get them into character. #!rnover contin!es to be a problem b!t in New *or% there is never a shortage o actors and actresses willing to have the sa ety harness p!lled down over them ,hat is the play abo!t5 Seems a reasonable 4!estion b!t not one that is as%ed as o ten as yo!+d thin%. (n act" we are entering o!r i th month o sold/o!t shows and ( have yet to act!ally answer it. ( mean" ( ha*e answered it b!t ( !se the lang!age o the critics so at no point do ( tell anyone what it is act!ally abo!t. Even with the microphone that each actor has it is almost impossible to hear what they are saying over the roar o the rollercoaster itsel and the vario!s screaming o the cast. 'oesn+t seem to matter" the a!diences seem to love it. 1artic!larly when someone throws !p. ,e had an actress come in rom a pop!lar #: sitcom and while she only lasted three shows she was wildly pop!lar beca!se she threw !p almost the entire time she was on +stage.J Midgets are !pset o co!rse beca!se we have a sign with a hand stic%ing o!t in ront o the theater saying that yo! m!st be >this tall> to appear in the play. #he critics love it. #hey love me act!ally. ( wo!ld repeat all the great ad.ectives they+ve !sed to describe me b!t (+m not s!re what most o them mean and ( wo!ld hate or a negative one to snea% in there and tarnish my image. And my peers5 All b!t one o them have been silent" obvio!sly stewing in their .ealo!sy. ;!t that writer" that thieving bastard" is only two wee%s away rom the opening o his latest ;roadway e ort. The (lume. ;astard. $restlin' * conscience ... an# a s+ecial (i# (+m not s!re what they call it these days b!t ( %now it+s a complicated iss!e. ( %now beca!se ( was orced to live thro!gh something that tro!bles me to this day and (+m a raid that i ( tell yo! abo!t it" and (+m completely honest" that ( might come o a bit insensitive. (+m a pretty open/minded g!y" ( don+t consider mysel bias to any great degree and i yo! were to have an empathetic 8all o )ame (+d nominate mysel as the irst ind!ctee. 8aving said that ... ( thin% they call it +mainstreaming+ now b!t bac% when ( was in school we called it having a retarded %id in gym class. Now be ore yo! mo!nt yo!r high horse and gallop o to 3 endedville hear me o!t. ,hen ( was in high school" we didn+t !se b!llshit terms li%e handicapable. $etarded %ids were called retarded %ids and everyone was ine with that. (t wasn+t meant to be disrespect !l" it was simply the classi ication.

( was a s%inny %id. And a nerd. Calling me cool/deprived wo!ldn+t have changed anything. So what was it abo!t having gym class with a +special+ %id that tra!mati-ed me5 3%" here goes. 1repare to .!dge me and thin% horrible things. 8e loo%ed li%e a caveman. 8is head did anyway. ( swear" his noggin loo%ed li%e it was stolen o a Neanderthal e=hibit. ,e had another +special+ %id in the school b!t he loo%ed more li%e a normal %id that too% a astball to the crani!m. #he %id in my gym class loo%ed li%e the irst one in his amily witho!t a tail. Now be clear" (+m in no way ma%ing !n o people with low (Ys here. (+m ma%ing !n o people who loo% li%e they were .!st thawed o!t o a bloc% o ice resh rom the Arctic shel . 8e was li%e a short white 1atric% Ewing. #he act that he was retarded .!st p!t the cherry on top. So anyway" we shared a gym class and believe me as bad as this %id might have had it we were pretty m!ch on the same r!ng o the social ladder. ( had .!st moved to the school and d!e to my spar%ling personality had yet to ind m!ch s!ccess with my ellow st!dents. ( wo!ld have literally been happy to have been riends with the +%id+ e=cept he only spo%e in one word sentences and every time he smiled he loo%ed li%e he was going to %ill someone. #hen came the day" the terrible day that scarred me orever. (t was time or the wrestling portion o the semester. ;ad eno!gh to scar most people in and o itsel b!t ate had a special treat in store or me. And ( do mean special. #he +%id+ was in my weight class. So it passed that event!ally it was my t!rn to wrestle someone and the sadistic teacher decided that he wo!ld pair me !p with the retarded %id. (t was at this point that we both stepped to the middle o the mat while o!r peers crowded aro!nd !s and began to cheer. And by cheer ( mean that some o the larger more demented males began beating their chests and throwing hand !ls o their own eces. 8ere is where the real !n began. #he +%id+ had no idea what he s!pposed to do at this .!nct!re. 8e .!st %ept smiling at me and saying >(+m not scared o yo!>. ( pointed o!t that while ( appreciated both his candor and co!rage that now wo!ld be a good time to commence with the wrestling. >(+m not scared o yo!>. #erri ying smile. ( la!nched mysel at him in the same erocio!s manner that children will h!g a relative they are not ond o . 8e wo!ldn+t b!dge. 8e had the strength o ten men. #en very d!mb men. ( h!ng o him or a ew moments be ore he collapsed onto his stomach with a inal >(+m not scared o yo!>. And there we sat or a ew moments as ( tried !ns!ccess !lly to lip him over and avoid seeing those giant glistening s4!are/as/ !c% teeth protr!ding rom his larger/than/average .aw line. Attempts at a hal /nelson were going poorly when ( made eye contact with one o my most eared antagonists rom the class. 8e was ma%ing it ab!ndantly clear thro!gh slashing gest!res across his throat that (+d better give serio!s

consideration to letting the +%id+ pin me or else e=pect a savage beating soon a ter class came to its inevitable end. #his apparently wo!ld di er rom the typical beating ( !s!ally received at the end o gym class in both d!ration and intensity. ,eighing my options ( decided to orgo my attempts at rolling the +%id+ onto his bac% and sec!ring my irst and only victory on the mat and instead change strategies and attempt to deposit the +%id+ on top o me. #his proved even a more di ic!lt tas% than lipping Captain Caveman over on his bac%. ( tried to calmly e=plain the plan to him" how ( was going to let him win and all he needed to was let me slide !nderneath him or B or Z seconds and the entire endeavor wo!ld come to a s!ccess !l concl!sion" b!t he once again ass!red me that he was in act not scared o me and to drive his point home he once again lashed his winning grin. As yo! can imagine" my classmates were in vario!s stages o asphy=iation rom screaming ins!lts and la!ghing so hard. (n their minds this was the 0od-illa vs. Megalon o the b!llied o!tcastJs action. 8ad there been cell phones with the ability to capt!re video this wo!ld easily be the most played clip ever to grace *o!#!be. ( reali-e that many o yo! will ass!me (+m ma%ing this !p b!t there will be some tiny minority o yo! that s!ddenly remember this spectacle and say to yo!rsel >8oly shit" that was Lance Manion who got pinned by the retard5E> #hat+s why the iss!e o +mainstreaming+ special %ids into normal schools is more complicated than .!st letting good intentions g!ide every decision. #he tr!th is that or every action there is an e4!al and completely !nintended reaction. ( that +%id+ had act!ally somehow !nderstood what the gym teacher wanted ( have no do!bt that he wo!ld have %illed me with his bare hands be ore any o the other boys co!ld have r!shed to my aid. ,hich they wo!ldn+t have b!t even i they had tried he wo!ld have probably %illed a ew o them be ore escaping and event!ally being s!bd!ed on the top o the b!ilding by eno!gh tran4!ili-er darts to ell an A rican Elephant. )or the record" no mentally handicapped people were harmed in the telling o this story. S%inny %ids in baggy leotards did not get o so lightly. #hey never do. / #e'ree of se+aration 1erhaps it was some dormant insec!rity that had slowly made its way !p to the s!r ace or maybe it was .!st as simple as her red hair. ;rian had never tr!sted redheads b!t had given Sara a shot anyway and" on the s!r ace" everything had been great. (n act" m!ch better than great. #he word love started to slosh aro!nd inside his head or the irst time since those heady college days where the word seemed to leap to mind almost every other wee%end. Sara was prettier than he was handsome tho!gh and this always ca!sed him some concern. A ter a year o dating this concern had mani est itsel in a very odd behavior. 8e had contacted her thro!gh )aceboo% posing as another man. Sam. :ery innocently at irst" as i by some random chance heJd st!mbled on her pict!res. A ter all" he had said" we are all separated by less than [ people. She had been very honest abo!t being in a serio!s

relationship" with him" which relieved him to no small degree. As the months passed however they began to lirt bac% and orth in very s!btle ways. All this time their 7realJ relationship contin!ed to progress and develop and all the other words that are !sed to describe a relationship that was inching orward care !lly to avoid any !rther commitments. Sara began to get more c!rio!s abo!t his online persona and inally came right o!t and as%ed abo!t what he loo%ed li%e and where he lived. 8e was vag!e abo!t the ormer and speci ic abo!t the latter. 8e lived only a ew bloc%s rom her. A coincidence right o!t o a movie. She wanted to meet. 8e was over.oyed. 8is s!spicions were con irmed abo!t redheads. 8e did have to admit tho!gh that a part o him had en.oyed getting to %now her all over again online. 8e agreed to meet #hey arranged a time at a local (rish p!b. A get/together he %new he wo!ld not be attending. #he day a ter this meeting he went to her and acc!sed her o wanting to see other men. (t was his big moment. ,o!ld she con ess5 She la!ghed and admitted everything. #he whole thing rom 'ay 3ne. Every conversation. Cr!elly she described the man she had met W all the way down to his se=y m!stache. 8e wondered how this co!ld be5 (t was impossible" wasnJt it5 #he room swam brie ly and he wondered how she co!ld be so callo!s abo!t this rende-vo!s. So !napologetic. As she e=plained that she typically didnJt en.oy pina coladas b!t had had three o them and even getting ca!ght in the rain didnJt dampen the evening" he saw that she was act!ally relishing telling him abo!t her little date. 8e ran rom the room be ore she saw the how red his chee%s were getting. 8e didnJt !nderstand how she co!ld have met this man that didnJt e=ist. #his wasnJt s!pposed to have been how it went. She was s!pposed to have been stood !p. Embarrassed" h!miliated and then b!sted by her loving boy riend. 8e tried to breathe deeply as his trembling hand p!t the %ey in his ront door. 8e closed the door behind him and threw the %eys on the side table in the narrow hallway. #hatJs when he saw it. #he ;M00Z )lynn Style 100\ 8!man 8air gl!e/on m!stache. / E1(L30?E / Sara never tal%ed to ;rian again. 8e disappeared entirely and i it werenJt or Sam she didnJt %now what she wo!ld have done with hersel . 8e stepped !p .!st when she needed a sho!lder to cry on. 8e had arrived at the per ect time. Still" this new m!stachioed man was a bit o a mystery. She elt a tiny eeling o inade4!acy stirring somewhere in her. She wondered what she wo!ld loo% li%e as a blonde. She signed on and created La!ren. (t was time that La!ren o!nd a reason to introd!ce hersel to Sam.

rain of consciousness or strea* of terror0 8ereJs why ( hate the rain. ;eca!se" beca!se" beca!se" beca!se" becase W beca!se o all the horrible things it does. )orgive me or that start" (Jm not s!re why ( wo!ld start o with a #i%ard of &% re erence" the story has absol!tely nothing to do with witches" lions or yellow bric% roads and personally ( ind that partic!lar verse o that horribly annoying song partic!larly horribly annoying. ( it werenJt or the act ( needed to get something o my chest ( wo!ld .!st stop right here and call the whole story a bad .ob and be done with it. ;!t beca!se" beca!se" beca!se" beca!se" becase W ( want to get something o my chest on ( shall go b!t ( will promise not to type the word beca!se anymore. ,ell" ( promise to try to avoid typing it. ( ( promise not to type it then my s!bconscio!s will have it popping !p every two sentences. 3 co!rse" ( co!ld .!st replace it with the phrase 7 or the reason thatJ b!t yo! have to agree that it doesnJt have 4!ite the panache o W well" yo! %now the word (Jm thin%ing o . 1robably e=plains why the writers o the song went with it over H or the reason that" or the reason that" or the reason that" or the reason that" or the reason thaaaaaaaaaatI. 3%" eno!gh o thaaat. 8ereJs why ( hate the rain6 it ma%es me stare at my windshield wipers. ( canJt help it. #ypically ( have no problem seeing thro!gh the rain as ( drive and it doesnJt even ca!se me to stop reading whatever e;oo% (Jm engrossed in on my 9indle or stop me rom te=ting a lengthy reply to whomever (Jm te=ting as ( drive b!t as soon as the wipers start in (Jm distracted and let me tell yo! why. ;race yo!rsel " itJs abo!t to get all economics !p in here. #here is a inite amo!nt o times that wipers can ma%e their .o!rney across the windshield and bac% be ore they wear o!t" correct5 So it ollows that i they wipers cost a certain amo!nt then with every pass they are that m!ch closer to being in need o replacement. ( am literally watching my investment depreciate right be ore my eyes. ;ac% and orth" bac% and orth" each time my total net worth contin!es to sin%. #hatJs bad eno!gh" right5 #he real iss!e ( have is with my inability to ignore this reality. No matter how hard ( try" ( sit there !ming abo!t every drop o rain that alls onto my windshield and is need o being wiped away. Can yo! see where (Jm headed with this5 (tJs called opport!nity cost. All o the vario!s brilliant and wonder !l things ( co!ld be doing and tho!ghts ( co!ld be having i ( wasnJt sitting there with my hands clenching the steering wheel with a white/hot rage as Mother Nat!re contin!es her assa!lt on my chec%boo%. H)!c%ing stop rainingI ( bellow impotently at the dar% clo!ds above" as my retirement !nd contin!es to hemorrhage. (tJs this bellowing no do!bt that stops me rom ma%ing an am!sing metaphor o!t o the rain" my money and the word li4!idity. ;!t thatJs not why ( really hate the rain. 'onJt get me wrong" ( hate the rain or the whole windshield wipers thing b!t that always leads to why ( really hate the rain. (Jm not s!re the italics on HreallyI are really comm!nicating what (Jm trying to say here. ( do hate the windshield wiper thing. Le t to itsel there wo!ld be eno!gh there to hate the rain and any psychologist wo!ld nod in agreement that there is something terribly wrong with me. ;!t what ollows ma%es me hate the rain even more. 1erhaps thatJs how ( sho!ld have phrased it. ;y !sing the italics yo! might have been led to believe that ( didnJt really hate the rain until the second thing when in act what ( meant was that ( hated the windshield

wiper thing and then on top o that hate there was something ( hated even more. Either way ( got to !se italics so itJs all good. E=cept" yo! might point o!t i yo!Jre still reading this" ( havenJt delivered the thing that really ma%es me hate the rain. My apologies" ( will get to it this instant. As ( rage s%yward" invariably ( will glare and catch my re lection. (t reminds me why a ter somebody screws yo! over yo! can never act!ally be riends with them again and i yo! try itJs .!st wasted e ort. (tJs not that yo! canJt orgive themA itJs 4!ite possible that yo! can. (tJs the act that rom that moment on they will be reminded o what a dirtbag they were and" by e=trapolation" the dirtbag that they co!ld still be in any given sit!ation. ,ho wants to hang o!t with someone that reminds them o the dic%hole that l!r%s within them5 #he relationship is doomed no matter how sincere both parties are. K!st wal% away. ;!t ( canJt wal% away rom the ace ( see re lected in the windshield. Shit" at this point ( might as well try to tie this !p with a re erence to ignoring the man behind the c!rtain right5 ,hy not5 ;eca!se. Te# #ed had a !ll plate. 8e sat in bed with his glass o warm mil% watching late night #: and tried to rela=. >9eep it all in perspective> he reminded himsel . 8e %new he wasn+t the irst man with inancial concerns or problems at wor%. Nevertheless" sleep el!ded him as he t!rned o the #: and san% bac% into his pillow. 3n the positive side" )all was here with its chill in the air and #ed had .!st recently bro!ght o!t the com orter. No better sleeping weather than leaving the window open a crac% and having to nestle down deep in the covers or warmth. ?n ort!nately or #ed every time he had almost dri ted o he wo!ld s!ddenly thin% o one o his many pressing concerns and his eyes wo!ld snap bac% open and the %not in his stomach wo!ld reappear. (t was aro!nd midnight when the irst art came. *o! see" #ed was lactose intolerant and that glass o mil% was starting to %ic% in. 8is !s!al glass o mil% be ore bedtime rit!al never bothered him be ore as he was !s!ally so!nd asleep be ore the irewor%s began b!t now as he lay in his bed he reali-ed that the com orter that he so treas!red was abo!t to t!rn into the top o a down/ illed '!tch 3ven. 8e tried in vain to start waving the sheet and com orter vigoro!sly in the opposite direction b!t traveling 10 eet a second the art was on him be ore he co!ld even get a clean breath o air. Now came the hardest part or #ed. Alone in the night" sitting in that dar% room he had no alternative than to admit to himsel that he act!ally li%ed the smell o his arts. 8e told himsel that with the e=ception o the rog!e art that smells nothing li%e a person e=pects their typical art to smell" most people secretly en.oyed the smell o their own arts. >( can+t allow mysel to eel bad abo!t this> he told himsel W he already had eno!gh on his emotional plate witho!t eeling g!ilty abo!t en.oying a little lat!s. ,ith that he li ted his ass a little and let ly another. ,hile ( don+t thin% anyone will ever con !se the smell o s!l ides with that o a hot apple

pie .!st being ta%en o!t o the oven there is a certain amiliarity to it. ( g!ess some will re er to this as +yo!r own brand.+ (t can ta%e yo! bac% to childhood or have yo! wa=ing poetically abo!t a partic!larly p!ngent o ender. ,hatever it was" it was .!st what #ed needed. 8e bro!ght his legs !p and iss!ed orth a complete glossary o arts" rom g!sts o wind to the so!nd o the last $ice 9rispie e=piring in the bowl. 8e let rip a Coc%ney Cheer while singing +9nees ?p Mother ;rown.+ #here was a %nic%er ripper" a to=ic steamer and a s!personic. ( the average person arted 1Z times a day then somewhere in China there were 100 people not arting at all that evening to %eep the boo%s even. 8e passed a snic%er blast" a reep" a r!mbler" a scooter and a rhino stopper. And still sleep did not come. >)ire in the hole"> he e=claimed to no one and la!nched into a loorboard li ter ollowed closely by a so!p cooler" a crop d!ster and a tro!ser tr!mpet. #he room began to smell li%e the septic tan% in a sla!ghterho!se in A!g!st at noon somewhere in a third world co!ntry. #ed was aglow. At one point" somewhere aro!nd B600 am the arts began to be more di ic!lt to come by and he was orced to go downstairs and have himsel another tall glass o mil%. ,ithin min!tes he was bac% to wor%W!nleashing a sc!tter" a salsa and a $abbi rattler in short order. 8e was now wor%ing in rari ied air...so to spea%. A ter completing a di ic!lt series o sphincter gyrations he was able to land a per ect poc%et rog and be ore he %new it" hands cl!tching the side o the bed" he released the mythical pyroclastic low. No one at wor% wo!ld believe him" b!t as the s!n began to creep !p in the morning s%y he sat on soiled sheets re reshed. $evivedE (t was as i he had slept li%e a baby all night. ,ith a inal n!t %noc%er" a 4!ic% m!sty t!rnip and an almost wist !l mmm;op he arose to ace the new day. #his is a story o hope and the h!man condition. ( %now some o yo! will 4!estion why ( didn+t incl!de an air bisc!it. 3r a low rider. ,hat abo!t the b!m blower or the pi le yo! might as%. ( .!st didn+t eel they were right or this partic!lar piece. 'on+t thin% ( didn+t grapple with the ch! " the 4!i er" the dribbly" the co!ntry co!gh or the eggb!rterE (t+s .!st as some point ( have to thin% abo!t the inal prod!ct and ma%e the to!gh decisions. Maybe at some other time ( can revisit the spoo y" the og horn or the -!mp. *o! never %now. $ith#ra$n Mary tried to time her visits to the ban% at odd ho!rs to avoid the drama that was now !n olding. )or some reason there was a stampede to get in ront o a teller so she sat at least o!r bac% in the line awaiting her t!rn. #he person c!rrently occ!pying the ban% employee+s attention seemed to be 4!estioning some discrepancy that occ!rred in 1XFX and was not going to be satis ied !ntil he had seen the records o every transaction the branch had made since that time. Mary o ten wondered i everyone elt li%e she did when sitting in line at the ban%. #hat eeling that seems to lood yo! a ter a certain amo!nt o time stranded between the a!=/ velvet ropes" where yo!r eyes go rom wandering aimlessly to casing the .oint. #he ban% slowly morphs into a .oint and yo!r eyes trans orm into the cool stare o a hardened ban% robber. And she %new the sec!rity cameras were eating it all !p. Somewhere in the bac% there

was a sec!rity g!y with his hand hovering over the panic b!tton that wo!ld send the rein orced steel bars crashing down over every e=it and the police all over town dropping their don!ts in a mad dash to arrive at the scene in time to g!n her down. Now obvio!sly Mary had never robbed a ban%" in act her police record was spotless" b!t there was no way to tell the ban% that. No way to lie to the sec!rity camera that had seemingly stopped its gentle bac% and orth motion and instead settled on her. (t was soa%ing her in. (t %new. She co!ldn+t help it. (t passed the time. ,ally" the ancient g!ard who had recently celebrated his X@th year on the .ob" leaned against a nearby des% in a cas!al manner that made it appear to all observers that he was" in act" st! ed and mo!nted on the spot. She loo%ed at his g!n. #here it was. Now she+d done it. She waited or the sirens to start wailing. #he cameras had to have seen that loo%. #he way her eyes ogged brie ly at the sight o the loaded irearm resting gently in the holster on ,ally+s hip. Someone came into the ban%" she co!ld hear the door slowly groan sh!t. A 4!ic% loo% con irmed it was a highly trained ?.S. Marshall" that training e=cl!sively oc!sed on s!bd!ing and e=ec!ting ban% robbers" disg!ised as an elderly lady in .eans" a t/shirt and a hat three si-es too large or her apparently shrin%ing head. >:ery snea%y"> she tho!ght to hersel . ,ally s!ddenly sprang to li e with a slight nod in the ederal agentJs direction be ore ret!rning to his ro-en state. #he man at the co!nter had apparently grown bored with his ma%eshi t a!dit o the ban% as he departed and Mary was allowed to ta%e two steps closer. >#he noose tightens"> she tho!ght to hersel " her heart racing. (t was .!st a matter o time now. She no longer even tried to disg!ise itA she loo%ed at the va!lt with !nbridled avarice. )irst she wo!ld spin aro!nd and grab ,ally+s pistol. )or a brie moment she elt the cold metal resting in her hand. 8er inger imagined sliding over the trigger and s4!ee-ing it .!st eno!gh to send a single b!llet deep into the crani!m o ,ally. (n her mind+s eye she saw him all and cr!mple on the bad chec%ered carpeting. She inhaled deeply and one eyelid l!ttered ever so brie ly. #he ne=t person in line had .!st been there to drop o a chec% and s!ddenly" !ne=pectedly the line moved again. Mary snapped bac% into the here and now with a .olt. (t too% her two more steps away rom ,ally. ,ith @ b!llets le t she co!ldn+t .!st bla-e away. She+d have to .!mp over the co!nter and hope that the ban% employees played ball. ( she needed to ma%e an e=ample o one o them to get the rest o their attention then so be it. She sort o hoped the cow in the pin% roc% occ!pying the des% o assistant manager started tro!ble. #he woman in ront o her s!ddenly reali-ed she hadn+t illed o!t her deposit slip and le t the line to !se one o the pens that were irmly tethered to the little shel as i in% were a scarce commodity. Mary was ne=t. #his was it. A clo!d passed over the s!n o!tside and the light in the room dimmed.

Somewhere behind her a baby !ssed. A single bead o sweat cl!ng to her brow" threatening to slide down her chee% and start the irewor%s. #he camera wo!ldn+t miss a bead o sweat" once it began its wet tre% downward there wo!ld be no choice. (t wo!ld be go time. >May ( help yo! ma+am5> the teller in4!ired o Mary. #he man in ront o her sh! led o " his transaction having reached a 4!ic% and satis actory concl!sion. Mary slowly too% a loo% bac% at ,ally. #hen !p at the sec!rity camera...then a long l!sty loo% at the va!lt. >A withdrawal please"> Mary said as she p!shed her slip o paper orward. >All twenties i yo! co!ld.> #he teller typed with practiced e iciency and soon was co!nting alo!d and placing twenties into Mary+s damp palm. >,ill there be anything else today5> she o ered when the necessary amo!nt o c!rrency had changed hands. >Maybe ne=t time"> Mary said with a nervo!s smile and made her escape. fri''in +arallel uni&erse ( li%e the idea o parallel !niverses beca!se it allows me to write a story with a moral that won+t o end anyone. *o! see" ( have this great metaphor abo!t a sin%ing ship and immigration b!t i ( !se it to describe what is going on in the ?nited States these days ( will piss o all sort o people" b!t i ( can !se some science iction premise then nobody can arg!e that (+m a horrible h!man being. 1erhaps a horrible science iction writer b!t not a horrible h!man being. Maybe even a horrible writer in general b!t not ... well" yo! get the idea. Let+s say that despite all the scienti ic evidence to the contrary a wormhole opens !p between o!r reality and another !niverse. ,ell" a di erent !niverse b!t one that is stri%ingly similar to o!rs with only a ew small di erences. #hese di erences are all economic. #he people themselves loo% and act the same" c!lt!rally there are ew di erences and even most o the government o icials and celebrities are the same. Again" !nli%e most science iction where people are not allowed to interact with themselves in another !niverse otherwise there will be dire conse4!ences" in my story people can wal% bac% and orth thro!gh the wormhole and do whatever they want and the space2time contin!!m doesn+t seem to give a rat+s red ass. Now here is the real meat o the story. (n one !niverse !nemployment is li%e @0\ and crime is rampant and in the other reality it+s not. ( co!ld give yo! an e=act statistics b!t (+m obvio!sly .!st winging it so there is no reason to ins!lt yo!r intelligence and come !p with some arbitrary n!mber li%e Z.@\ !nemployment. ( will be ins!lting yo!r intelligence a little later on and ( don+t want to p!sh it. 9nowing the bo!ndaries o yo!r reader is one o the ways yo! %now yo!+re a top/notch writer" science iction or otherwise. 8ow m!ch ins!lting will they ta%e in stride5 *o! might want to write that down i yo! ever aspire to write.

Anyway Calso avoid starting sentences with >Anyway>" very amate!rishD" beca!se o this !ni4!e set o circ!mstances where these is no reason or someone in a shitty !niverse not to .!mp tho!gh a wormhole to a cooler !niverse" the people in the shitty !niverse do .!st that. Soon the people in the ormerly/cooler/b!t/now/not/as/cool !niverse start to worry. Altho!gh their rob!st economy can a ord to ta%e in some new citi-enry" event!ally there is going to be a problem i they don+t slow down the n!mber o people streaming thro!gh the wormhole. 'on+t get me wrong" they are compassionate and all" b!t let+s say there is a sin%ing ship and a compassionate ship decides to start ta%ing people aboard. At a certain point the compassionate ship is going to sin% !nder the weight o all the resc!ed people. #hen they all drown. #he path to hell being paved with good intentions and all. 'o yo! get that s!btle point abo!t how by doing something that appears good e*erybody s! ers5 8ere is the part where ( start to ins!lt yo!r intelligence by ma%ing the wormhole so!nd e=actly li%e the border between the ?S and Me=ico witho!t act!ally coming right o!t and saying it. ,e both %now what (+m getting at b!t ( don+t want to ins!lt anyone so ( can+t point o!t what a shithole Me=ico has become. 3r how everybody in the ?S" e=cept or those who have already sn!c% into the co!ntry rom Me=ico" wishes we co!ld somehow b!ild a wormhole that ta%es all the illegal aliens crossing o!r border and h!rls them into a parallel co!ntry on the bad side o the !niverse or" barring that" the center o an active volcano. *o! can imagine the bac%lash i ( were d!mb eno!gh to come o!t and write something li%e that. #hat+s why the whole parallel !niverse idea is s!ch gold. ( can say things witho!t saying them. ( can even !se the term >aliens> and have it ma%e sense. Some sense anyway. Let me .!st point o!t again how compassionate the people in the low/!nemployment !niverse are" lest yo! thin% they are bad people or +accidently+ blowing !p the wormhole. (n my story ( swear it was .!st a cra-y accident. (t goes witho!t saying that the story ends happily ever a ter or the one !niverse and the other !niverse ends !p li%e riggin+ Me=ico. See what ( did there5 *o! can+t claim that (+m anti/Me=ico beca!se ( didn+t act!ally say what happened to the other !niverse. ( simply stated it ended !p >li%e Me=ico> so i yo! are pro/Me=ico then the story m!st have a happy ending" right5 ( do agree the > riggin> was !nnecessary. * o$n +ersonal Waterloo ,hen C.M. Coolidge was commissioned by the advertising irm o ;rown L ;igelow in 1X0B to create a series o paintings depicting anthropomorphi-ed dogs engaged in a variety o h!man activities ( don+t thin% anyone co!ld have predicted the irestorm o controversy that wo!ld ollow. (n partic!lar the many conspiracy theories centered on his 1X0[ wor% #aterloo, better %nown to the world as +ogs !laying !oker. )rom the time o its release there were those that acc!sed Coolidge o placing hidden messages in the painting b!t it wasn+t !ntil his death in 1XBZ that scholars began to ta%e some o these spec!lations serio!sly. #he painting depicts @ dogs playing po%er" an innocent eno!gh premise" b!t when e=amined closely there are more 4!estions than answers. ,hy is the glass tipped over in ront o the angry ;!lldog5 Co!ld there be another dog !nder the table and i so co!ld it be a ,iener 'og5 ,hy do none o the

cigars appear to give o smo%e and" most tro!bling" why does the e eminate Collie not have a chair5 A new wave o interest in the painting occ!rred in the 1XF0s when transplanted 0eorgia armboy 'oyle 8arden began to cran% o!t depictions o the painting rom his Me=ican actory on a novel type o canvas6 velvet. 3riginating in 9ashmir" velvet painting is an ancient techni4!e embraced by early religio!s leaders and to this day many early wor%s hang in the :atican. #he renewed pop!larity o the piece as well as the new o!nd association with velvet did little to 4!ell the r!mors that somewhere in this painting lay a message rom its creator. $ecently it was revealed that i yo! s!perimpose the painting with its mirror image and both are made partially transparent" the composite pict!re clearly shows the $etriever cl!tching what appears to be a yo!ng p!ppy. (t also appears to trans orm the Sheep 'og into a mi= breed. #hese revelations immediately ca!sed an !proar and many websites promoting vario!s e=planations crashed d!e to heavy tra ic. ,hat was C.M. Coolidge trying to say5 And how co!ld a dog with no opposable th!mbs even hold cards let alone drin% o!t o a glass5 Maybe the answer lay in the name. #aterloo. A ter being declared an +o!tlaw+ by the Congress o :ienna" the ;attle o ,aterloo signi ied the end o Napoleon+s r!le as Emperor. 'e eated by the combined might o an Anglo/Allied army led by the '!%e o ,ellington and a 1r!ssian orce commanded by 0ebhard von ;l!cher" Napoleon was orced to s!rrender to the ;ritish and was later e=iled to Saint 8elena. ,hat co!ld any o that have to do with a painting o dogs playing po%er5 E=actly. #he mystery only deepened on )ebr!ary 1@" 200@ when the original was sold by 'oyle New *or% at a!ction or ]@X0"Z00 despite the act that it had been appraised or between ]B0"000 and ]@0"000 and no other +legitimate+ wor% rom Coolidge had ever sold or more than ]FZ"000. Sold to an +!ndisclosed+ b!yer no less. 1erhaps !nrelated" b!t perhaps not" Coolidge was also the inventor o the +comic oregro!nd+" the large c!t/o!ts where people stic% their heads thro!gh to be photographed as an am!sing character" that en.oys widespread pop!larity at carnivals and airgro!nds. 8ow did someone born to abolitionist Y!a%er armers in 1<ZZ ever come !p with that idea5 (+m trying to present this as !nbiased as ( can b!t holy shit" (+m getting gooseb!mps here. ( smell s!mmer bloc%b!ster with $yan $eynolds as the pl!c%y yet irascible academic trying to get to the bottom o things. #he bottom line is this ... how cool wo!ld it be to ind a giant c!t/o!t o #aterloo and get o!r o yo!r riends to stic% their heads thro!gh with yo! and get a pict!re5 #hat wo!ld be totally cool. co*e $ith *e

?nli%e my !s!al o erings this time ( am o ering yo! the reader an opport!nity to go on a .o!rney with me. )or those who wanted .!st a 4!ic% read be ore ret!rning to yo!r empty and meaningless lives ( wo!ld s!ggest yo! wrap it !p here and move on. #his will re4!ire some wor% b!t ( promise yo! will ind it very rewarding. ( invite yo! into my mast!rbation rit!al. )irst o all let me say this. ( am not a an o the typical male mast!rbation session. 8!nched over a maga-ine or clic%ing websites !rio!sly is not my idea o a good time. My ro!tine has been re ined over years and years o care !l post/e.ac!lation reviews to the point that ( thin% ( can now o er this orm!la !p to any male who eels they are not getting everything they deserve rom their special time alone. My newest wrin%le has been starting the entire session by tying on a hachima%i headband" a traditional Kapanese symbol o mental resolve. 1l!s the red dot ma%es me eel se=ier. A critical part o the process is to ma%e the so!ndtrac% that will be playing in the bac%gro!nd be orehand so yo! don+t have to switch C's when yo!r hands might be otherwise engaged. Li%e so many o my gangsta riends" ( li%e to ac%nowledge emales who are no longer +with me.+ #hey choose to show their respect by tipping o!t the irst ew swallows o the malt li4!or. Same with me" e=cept in this case it+s my pre/seminal l!id Cor Cowper+s l!idD. #o get the party started right yo!+ll need a National 0eographic maga-ine Cpre erably pre/1X<@D and yo!r high school yearboo%. #his is yo!r c!e to start !p yo!r m!sical so!ndtrac% and the irst song ( recommend is "ame &ld Lang "yne by 'an )olgelberg. (t+s a little slow b!t remember" gentlemen" this is a marathon" not a sprint. *o!+ll want to %eep yo!r stro%es gentle and nostalgic. #ip o!t the irst ew +swallows+ and eel ree to let yo!r mind wander a bit over past enco!nters. *o! sho!ldn+t eel the need to be anywhere close to !ll attention. )The beer was empty and our tongues were tired nd running out of things to say "he ga*e a kiss to me as I got out and I watched her dri*e away ,ust for a moment I was back at school nd felt that old familiar pain nd as I turned to make my way back home The snow turned in to rain...) 39Was the last strains o 'an ade o!t we+re ready to move orward. ( always li%e to light a candle at this point" be ore the +heavy li ting+ begins. Might ( s!ggest Lemon :erbena or a nice Mo!ntain La!rel5 Cilantro will .!st ma%e yo! thin% o that sl!t who cheated on yo! in college and i yo! want to s!ddenly remember that incident in Kamaica with that cra-y stoned hoo%er then by all means eel ree to light !p a little Cocon!t Lime. 3therwise (+d stic% in the melon amily. Some o yo! might as% i some sort o ragrance di !ser is re4!ired. Absol!tely notE ,e+re loo%ing or ambiance here" not the overpowering scents o a whoreho!se. 8mmm" where were we5 3h yes W song 2. #ime to switch gears and p!t the past behind !s" right g!ys5 ,e+re no longer that g!y who was %nown or disappointing his partner. Now we+re a manE (n %eeping with that spirit" by now 'ra%y -itch by ;!c%cherry sho!ld be blasting o!t o yo!r spea%ers. Now o co!rse this song is e=ploitive in nat!re and does

not show m!ch tenderness in tal%ing abo!t the act o ma%ing love. E=actly. Now is a good time to apply whatever l!bricants yo! eel are necessary. Mysel " (+m old school and li%e the eel o a hand !l o Manglide b!t (+m not opposed to 9/* or even a little Sli4!id Si--le in a pinch. 1ersonally (+ve o!nd that :aseline starts strong b!t ades ast and might leave yo!r dic% loo%ing as red as a baboonJs ass when yo!+re inished. ( %now some o yo! swear by spit" olive oil" pie illing Cwhat male didn+t get c!rio!s a ter watching merican !ie5 ( sho!ld have waited mysel !ntil ( had a pie in the ridge other than pecanD" or b!tter" b!t ( val!e my .!n% too m!ch to ris% irritating it. Now that riction concerns are behind me (+m !s!ally having at it by the irst chor!s. (t+s !s!ally at this point that ( remember to either sit down or move away rom the bay window. ;e care !l what yo!+re loo%ing at d!ring this phase o mast!rbating as whatever it is will immediately be whis%ed away and placed deep into yo!r se=!al s!bconscio!s. ( don+t care i it+s a crime drama on #:" a bo= o don!ts sitting on a nearby table or the neighborJs parrot s!ddenly s4!aw%ing" it will orever ma%e yo! somehow horny down the line. (+m not trying to e=plain it" (+m .!st warning yo!. 'on+t believe me5 K!st as% the girl behind the co!nter at '!n%in 'on!ts. (+m telling yo!" yo! never %now how strange yo!r brain is wired !ntil something happens to remind yo! that we+re all .!st a b!nch o chemicals sloshing aro!nd in o!r head. #o prove my point" ne=t time yo!+re in the shower let the water hit yo!r teeth. ( started doing this as a way to ma%e them e=tra pearly white Cno" it doesn+t helpD b!t o!nd o!t that when ( do it somehow ma%es me eel li%e a vampire. lol $eally. La!gh i yo! will b!t ( de y yo! to try it and N3# want to bite someone. Anyway W ( yo!+re anything li%e me" by now yo!+re ready to bring this baby home. Now that (+ve embraced the tr!th o se=!ality than%s to my riends in ;!c%cherry" it+s time to go even more primal. #he ne=t song is in all respects the money shot and yo! m!st not deviate rom it. #he artist is Stewart Copeland. #he song is o the alb!m #he $hythmatist. ( li%e to start with the irst song" .ote/a 0&h -olilla1, beca!se i (+m eeling partic!larly strong ( can then r!sh headlong into -ra%a*ille and even" on the rare occasion" last as long as Liberte Cyes" ( see the irony thereD. (t+s not !n!s!al that ( get so wor%ed !p that (+m orced to peel o my sweater or even remove my shoes at this point. (+m tal%ing getting into itE ( li%e to have both a bo= o 9leene= and a ew 1> pine brea%ing boards handy as ( get closer to inishing as it seems e4!ally li%ely that at some point ( will either ly into a crying .ag or eel the !rge to p!nch thro!gh wood. ( li%e to be covered both ways" and no" neither o these activities in any way ta%e away rom the total en.oyment o the e=perience. Li to . All that remains is the 4!estion o how to catch this salty discharge. ( thin% ( spent more time deciding which word to p!t in ront o discharge than ( did writing the whole damn blog. 3riginally ( went manly" then st!c% in creamy" then gooey" and then even toyed with magni icent. ( even switched discharge to payload once. Anyway" to answer the 4!estion" (+m a throwbac%. ( go tiss!e. ( have a riend that tells me (+m cra-y and that an old soc% is the way to go. Nah. *o! can %eep yo!r moist towelettes as well. *o! thin% at a time li%e this" my orehead damp with sweat and my legs twitching invol!ntarily" that (+m really concerned with the bene its o an antibacterial wipe5 ( .!st spent 1@ min!tes wrestling with my own baloney bayonet" give me the tried and tr!e tiss!e to collect my payload Cthere W ( got it in anywayD and be done with it.

So there it is. My little rit!al. ( have thrown open a little window into my li e or yo! all to peer into. *o!r eedbac% is strongly disco!raged. realit chec( +lease ( swearing to yo!rsel was something people did" then Steve wo!ld swear to himsel that he didn+t even %now hemorrhoids co!ld b!rst. )or the three days a ter the hemorrhoid had popped o!t o his ass and sat there li%e a p!rple raisin clinging to his an!s he had tried his best to ignore it. (gnore the itching and aching as it slowly swelled !p !ntil it elt li%e a waln!t between his ass chee%s. (t had %ept him !p the previo!s two nights and all the 1reparation 8 in the world didn+t seem to have any e ect. Still" when he was sitting there and all o a s!dden he elt his pants get wet he wo!ld have sworn" i swearing to yo!rsel was something people did" that he had shit himsel . 8e was totally p!--led tho!gh" he had sharted be ore b!t never witho!t some warning or eeling o his bowels loosening. 8e ran or the toilet to see how bad the damage was. 8e grabbed a hand !l o toilet paper and dragged it tentatively thro!gh the 'MM to see the e=tent o the shitting and loo%ed down to ind the paper soa%ed and his hand bright red. 8e awo%e a ew min!tes later with two clear reali-ations. #he irst being that he did not handle the sight o blood very well. #he second was he !nderstood why when someone was threatening to .!mp o a b!ilding the police and iremen don+t scramble to ma%e s!re that they land on a toilet. ( he had to describe porcelain in one word it wo!ld be !n orgiving. 8is !nderpants loo%ed li%e one o those dye pac%s they p!t in with the money when they want to screw !p a good ban% robbery had gone o in his ass. ?nderpants r!ined. Keans r!ined. Chair he was sitting on r!ined. And his ass was still bleeding. 8e cro!ched in ront o his comp!ter with toilet paper shoved !p his ass li%e some anal tampon trying to ind o!t what was going on in his ass. #here was all sorts o advice on what he sho!ld have done to prevent the hemorrhoid rom b!rsting in the irst place b!t very little on what to do post/b!rst other than go to his doctor and he wo!ld be damned i he was going to ta%e this little show over to the E$. So he lay on his co!ch and shoved more toilet paper in his ass all day and wondered i someone co!ld really bleed o!t rom a hole in their rect!m. >So this is roc% bottom"> he tho!ght to himsel . Event!ally the bleeding started to slow down" which was when he got the heads/!p rom his body that he needed to ta%e a crap. 1anic swept thro!gh him. 1anic and the o!r/egg crab and asparag!s with apricot marmalade omelet he+d had or brea% ast that was h!rtling down the pipes li%e a r!naway reight train. ;eads o sweat ormed on his brow as he elt the coolness o the seat when he lowered himsel onto the toilet. 8e might as well have been p!tting his eet in cold metal stirr!ps beca!se he was abo!t to deliver a hal po!nd bo!ncing baby t!rd. 8is hemorrhoid opened !p again. 8e didn+t even %now how to begin to start wiping. #here was going to be shit in his open wo!nd. 1eople worry abo!t a little dirt getting into

a c!t or scrape and here he was with shit in a giant bleeding hole in his bodyE ShitE ( d!ring an operation a disgr!ntled orderly sn!c% in and too% a crap into the open chest cavity o a patient they wo!ldn+t even try to save the poor bastard. #hey+d h!stle him o to the basement incinerator be ore anyone co!ld ind o!t what had happened. Steve co!ld only imagine his poor white blood cells standing g!ard over his c!t only to see the orces o shit come po!ring thro!gh bringing every %nown disease and vir!s %nown to man%ind. 8is head swam. 8e hal /heartedly tried to wipe" shoved another hand !l o toilet paper bac% into his ass and made or the co!ch. 8emorrhoids do b!rst and once they do" they never heal beca!se every time yo! ta%e a d!mp it rips the scab o and the whole thing starts again !ntil inally yo! stop eating and die on yo!r co!ch li%e Steve did. ,ell he died on his co!ch not yo!rs b!t yo! get the idea. So !nless yo!+re reading this on yo!r co!ch with a h!ge c!t in yo!r ass yo! sho!ld really ta%e a deep breath and appreciate the act that yo!r ass is ine and li e co!ld be worse. 8ave a great dayE Schr1#in'er%s scri+t (n 1XB@ Erwin Schr^dinger came !p with a tho!ght e=periment in which a cat is st!c% in a sealed bo= with a glass vial o poison that will be shattered at a random time. ?ntil yo! open the bo= the cat has to be considered both alive and dead d!e to the act that yo! cannot %now i the poison has been released. Most people are amiliar with this parado= b!t what most o them don+t %now is that it was act!ally a criti4!e o the Copenhagen interpretation" not an e=planation. 8e believed that by showing the co!nterint!itiveness o 4!ant!m mechanics he co!ld throw an !n avorable light on the math needed to describe 4!ant!m states. (n 2010" a writer named 1hil Catani started to write a screenplay called "chr2dinger's 'at. 8e has spent the last 2 years shopping it to agents and ilmma%ers ali%e. (t has been pitched as an action advent!re where the mis!nderstood hero has only a ew ho!rs to save the bea!ti !l scientist trapped in a sealed container with a vial o poison. (t has been pitched as an intense drama centering on the li e o a bright !p/and/coming mathematician and his str!ggles against both the evil teachers !nion at his place o employment and his own crippling insec!rities. (t has been pitched as an interracial b!ddy lic% called "chr2dinger 3 the 'at. (t has been pitched as a sci/ i epic that has a reg!lar ending and a special 'irector+s c!t alternate ending. (t has been pitched as a comedy where the beleag!ered main character gets trapped in a sealed container with a cat. #here has been interest rom a ew in l!ential individ!als b!t to date no o ers have come. 1hil has gone thro!gh periods o sincere optimism and deep sel do!bt. ,ith so many relational observers in 8ollywood it is air to say there is e4!al evidence to s!pport both interpretations o his prospects. #he system in place to determine which screenwriters are s!ccess !l and which will labor in obsc!rity is so lawed that 1hil seems !nable to observe whether or not progress is being made. At times" he wonders i there really is a di erence between a sha%y or o!t/o / oc!s photograph and a snapshot o

clo!ds and og ban%s. 8e is deeply in debt and yet he %nows that i he can sell one script he can achieve inancial independence. 8e can+t get a date b!t he %nows i he can sell one script he can sleep with models. Nobody wants to tal% to him b!t i he can sell a script s!ddenly his opinion on almost any topic will be in great demand. 8e %nows that in 10 years he will %now how it all t!rned o!t. ;!t right now" "chr2dinger's 'at t!c%ed !nder his arm and on his way to another pitch meeting" he is both a s!ccess and a ail!re. the * th of fe*ale or'as* (t+s 4!ite simple. Nat!re does not allow things that serve no p!rpose. Every claw" every tooth and every e.ac!lation has some bigger role in the s!rvival o a species. (t+s with this irmly in mind that ( o er the ollowing6 the emale orgasm doesn+t e=ist. (t+s a myth propagated by women to e=ert control over men. Let me e=plain. Let+s ta%e a trip o!t to the ol+ A rican Serengeti and ta%e a 4!ic% po%e aro!nd" shall we5 Lots o game animals. Lots o game animals having se=. *o! can sit in #an-ania and watch wildebeest or as long as yo! wish and yo! will never once see a male wildebeest start lipping a emale wildebeest every which way as he plants his seed" spending 20 min!tes getting her ready then plowing her rom every angle to ma%e s!re she has a mind/blowing e=perience. 8ell no. ( yo!+re a wildebeest and yo! want to avoid being lion ood yo! d!mp and r!n" right5 Same with meE 'oes that ma%e me a bad g!y5 Let+s loo% at it rom another angle. #he male orgasm is what releases o!r sperm into the emale Cor onto" or all over" depending !pon which porn yo! pre erD. #here is a point behind it. #he so/called emale orgasm doesn+t release an egg or even help the mating rit!al along. (t+s s!per l!o!s to the act o interco!rse" window dressing. Evol!tion wo!ldn+t allow it. So why wo!ld emales pretend to achieve this +state5J Now that's the right 4!estion. (t+s all abo!t power over males. So many girlie/men these days are concerned abo!t their partners +satis action.J #he women p!t on these elaborate shows to either reward or p!nish their man. #hey can cr!elly b!ild !p to an +orgasm+ only to ma%e the man eel at the last possible moment that they somehow blew it or the woman" or they can yelp and holler li%e the man is pac%ing an electric salami i " or e=ample" the man has .!st given her a new nec%lace. A st!dy done was done in 1XFF by the $eprod!ctive ;iology $esearch )o!ndation at the 'epartment o 3bstetrics and 0ynecology at ,ashington ?niversity in St. Lo!is. #hey recorded some o the irst laboratory data on the anatomy and physiology o h!man se=!al response based on direct observation o B<2 women. #heir indings on the nat!re o emale se=!al aro!sal and orgasm wo!ld have dispelled many long standing misconceptions had not the National 3rgani-ation o ,omen CN3,D stepped in and made s!re that everyone at the $;$) clammed !p Cany non/linear ree association yo! ma%e between clam and vagina is entirely your own doingD. Somewhere t!c%ed sa ely in a va!lt in Misso!ri is proo that emales can+t have orgasms. (t+s more diabolical than it might seem on the s!r ace. (t+s not .!st p!re >i they have one ( want one .ealo!sy> st! . Ever wonder why Nancy 1elosi remains so in l!ential despite

the act that she is obvio!sly a sea/hag escaped rom hell5 ,henever there is an important iss!e in ront o her and she needs the s!pport o women everywhere" she will ma%e a veiled threat abo!t spilling the beans abo!t the whole emale orgasm thing i emales don+t start playing ball Cagain with the do!ble entendresD. #his is a big iss!e and yet men are .!st too preocc!pied to see the conspiracy going on right beneath their noses Co%" that one ( meantD. So my message is clear. ,omen" eno!gh with the theatrics o%5 (+m not handling o!t any Emmys. K!st lay there and ta%e it li%e a wildebeest" will yo!5 And g!ys" don+t let yo!r girl play with yo!r head. 'o li%e ( do. K!st get in" get o!t and plant the seeds o the ne=t generation ... hope !lly one that doesn+t have to live !nder the dar% tyranny o the emale +orgasm.+

Fa&orite Faceboo( Status u+#ates.

,hy do some people worry abo!t >all hell brea%ing loose>5 So!nds pretty !n to me. 'e initely wo!ld brea% !p the day. ( don+t thin% ( got the same +the birds and the bees+ tal% most people did. ( won+t spoil the ending b!t it went a long way in e=plaining h!mmingbirds. ( li%e the idea o ancy hotels having doormen o!tside dressed !p and waiting to hold the door open or me. ( .!st thin% (+d rather see them dressed !p as a hot dog. ( we+re going to ma%e it clear to everyone that their .ob is to open doors or other people then there is no reason we can+t go the e=tra mile and h!miliate them as well. ;eca!se my ass is my best eat!re ( always get to meetings early so ( can be at the window loo%ing cas!ally o!tward be ore other people come in. ,hen they do ( t!rn my head" lash a winning smile and give a little clench. ,a/powE Manion or the winE ( thin% Stephen 8aw%ing is amo!s eno!gh to warrant an action ig!re. #hin% o all the cool accessories or the wheelchair. 0.(. Koe having tro!ble with C3;$A5 Send in Stephen with the .et pac%. so*ethin'%s fish )I shall commit my thoughts to paper, it is true4 but that is a poor medium for the communication of feeling.) 'id yo! ever play that game where yo! were blind olded and as%ed to stic% yo!r hand in a paper bag illed with wet noodles and as%ed to g!ess what it was then .!st as yo! started to to!ch it yo! were told it was )ran%enstein+s brain5 )I feel e56uisite pleasure in dwelling on the recollections of childhood, before misfortune had tainted my mind and changed its bright *isions of e5tensi*e usefulness into gloomy and narrow reflections upon self.) #hat+s what it was li%e or most g!ys the irst time they got to third base. #here were a lot o details le t o!t in health class. )The world was to me a secret which I desired to di*ine. 'uriosity, earnest research to learn the hidden laws of nature, gladness akin to rapture, as they were unfolded to me,

are among the earliest sensations I can remember.) )or one" there was no g!idance given on the emale se= organ whatsoever. #hey might have told !s the names o the vario!s t!bing and it ama-es me to this day that at least one teacher didnJt give !s yo!ng men the heads/!p abo!t the act that when we get to third base we sho!ldn+t approach it li%e a pl!mber trying to !nclog a toilet. )ar worse than that" it+s criminal that the instr!ctors didnJt warn !s that when we remove o!r +pl!ngers+ there might be some odor attached to the endeavor. )#hen I reflected on his crimes and malice, my hatred and re*enge burst all bounds of moderation.) ( swear ( distinctly remember wondering i ( needed to ta%e the girl to the hospital. ( almost passed o!t rom the !mes. Later on ( learned this was normal b!t at the time ( didn+t %now whether to .!st wash the inger or c!t it o be ore whatever s!bstance was on it began to eat away at my wrist. ,e all might loo% bac% on this %ind o thing and la!gh b!t at the time it+s tra!mati-ing st! . (t is against this bac%drop that boys and girls are as%ed to e=plore their own se=!ality" not %nowing what other !n little secrets await them on their .o!rney to manhood or womanhood. ,e ro!nd third and head or home as%ing o!rselves >what else haven+t they told me5> )I cannot describe to you my sensations on the near prospect of my undertaking. It is impossible to communicate to you a conception of the trembling sensation, half pleasurable and half fearful, with which I am preparing to depart.) #his doesn+t e=plain why it is we have both romantic comedies" which spend the entire time doc!menting the attempts o a man to get a girl into the bedroom" and porn" where we see what act!ally ta%es place there. ,hy is that5 ,hy do we need two movies or one transaction5 )or any yo!ng viewer that has sat thro!gh an ho!r and a hal o Sandra ;!lloc% being wined and dined only to have the credits start to roll .!st as she is led thro!gh the bedroom door" it m!st send an odd message. )or an a!dience member who has been to third base b!t hasn+t ro!nded home it co!ld act!ally be terri ying. ,e simply don+t %now how to tal% abo!t" let alone teach abo!t" se= in health class. 8aving never ta!ght it ( can+t say or s!re" b!t (+d have to g!ess all the nervo!s giggling in the classroom every day m!st be creepy as hell. )The innocent and helpless creature bestowed on them by hea*en, whom to bring up to good, and whose future lot it was in their hands to direct to happiness or misery, according as they fulfilled their duties towards me.) (n the end tho!gh" perhaps thin%ing or a ew seconds that yo! are to!ching )ran%enstein+s brain is act!ally pretty cool. 2 hours- 3 thou'hts Sometimes it gets me down a bit. All the !gliness in the world. (+m not tal%ing abo!t poverty" disease" h!nger or hatred. (+m tal%ing abo!t physical appearance. ?gly people. 1eople wal%ing aro!nd with their big !gly aces and lawed bodies. K!st wal%ing aro!nd

in licting themselves on everybody. #hey %now they+re !gly and yet they still crawl rom their homes each days and interact with the pop!lation at large. (+m .!st sic% to death o it. ( %now" ( %now W what can yo! do5 *o! can point it o!t to them all day long and yet they still want to hang aro!nd everybody else. #he worst part is that they want to ind a way to procreate and pass on their hideo!s genes to another generation o !gly people. *o! need a license to drive a car" right5 (sn+t there a way that we can pass a law that re4!ires people to have some sort o committee give them a 4!ic% loo%ing over be ore letting them r!n o and create more o the same5 (+m .!st sic% o some people+s !nrelenting !gliness. 'ay in and day o!t with the same rep!lsive m!g. 8ow hard is it to b!y a cloth sac% and throw it over their !nsightly head5 S!ddenly" (+m the one that has to sit there all day loo%ing at this !c%ing !gly person and ( have to %eep my mo!th sh!t while it+s per ectly o% or them to crash aro!nd in licting their ace on me5 Even crac%ing what passes or a smile and ma%ing the bile in my stomach l!rch !p into my esophag!s. ,hat the !c%5E 8as the world gone mad5 1!t yo!r !c%ing head in a wood chipper yo! !gly !c%ing person. Either go .oin a rea% show or tie roc%s to yo!r eet and go drown yo!rsel E #hat+s what ( want to scream every time ( have the mis ort!ne o st!mbling into one o these abominations with their moles or too/thic% eyebrows or non/apple/bottoms or chipped teeth or too/long noses or too/ long toes or st!bby noses or non/ lat stomachs. *o! can+t teach a robot to cry. #hat+s what ( always hear when people tal% abo!t arti icial intelligence" that we+ll never be able to teach robots emotions. So5 'on+t. K!st teach them when they+re s!pposed to act a certain way. Loo% down at a dead body and cry. (t+s what yo!+re s!pposed to do. 8ave the d!cts in their eyes release a ew drops o water and they are everything that we thin% we are. Everything we+re told we are. Everything we are s!pposed to be even tho!gh sometimes we+re not. #each them to lie to themselves. (nstr!ct them how to pretend and they+ll ig!re o!t the rest. K!st sit over the bo= containing a body and release the tears and hold everything else in. #each them to ear what they eel or don+t eel. Even better" give them the serenity o %nowing they don+t eel anything b!t it+s o%. ;e themselves ... which is nothing b!t a ghost wal%ing thro!gh a inite period o time. ?ntil it+s their time to be in the bo=. Not seeing the parade o people wal% by" some o the crying and some o them not and some o them wishing they co!ld and others wishing when they cried they meant it. Meant anything. Maybe robots are too honest to cry. ( thin% it+s important to every now and then treat mysel to a little s!btle !pgrade. ,hile ( am not typically a an o cosmetic s!rgery" having seen too many vain women end !p

loo%ing li%e some sort o melting creat!re rom space" ( don+t thin% a little wor% here and there is a bad thing" as long as it ma%es yo! eel better abo!t yo!rsel . #hat+s why ( marched right into my doctor+s o ice and got my an!s bleached yesterday. (+m telling yo!" ( eel li%e a million b!c%sE 3nce reserved or porn actors" anal lightening Cso!nds li%e a gay baseball teamD is now all the rage. (t+s no di erent than getting yo!r teeth whitened these days. #hey hand yo! a little color card displaying all the shades o the post/proced!re b!ng" rom cheery salmon to gho!l white. *o! can" or a little e=tra" do what ( did and get a little anal ade going. Now instead o being worried abo!t what people will thin% abo!t my dar% ring ( simply can+t wait or the irst person to drin% in the sight o my new hole. (t+s as easy as bending over" spreading yo!r chee%s and having a cream applied to yo!r asshole. #hen all yo! have to do is sit there holding yo!r b!tt wide open or Z@ min!tes while the cream b!rns yo!r an!s. 3nce yo!+re done yo! get a @ min!te brea% and then yo! repeat that step two more times. Literally yo! only have to be in anal agony or a little more than two ho!rs and yo! get to stagger o!t with a whole new balloon/%not. 3ne yo! can be pro!d o . ,hat is it abo!t the nipple anyway5 ( yo!+re a g!y" it+s all abo!t the nipple. *o! haven+t tr!ly seen the breast !ntil yo!+ve seen the nipple. A girl can have a swims!it on that e=poses X<\ o the .!g b!t witho!t that last leshy little ring yo! can+t consider yo!rsel as having seen the tit. (t+s the di erence between the p!ll/o!t Sears bra advertisement in the local paper and porn. Same girl. Same pose. K!st the nipple/ actor. #hey come in all si-es" shapes and shades and once a man has seen a nipple it orever changes the way he sees that girl. Legs and b!tts and stomachs are all well and good b!t once a g!y has laid eyes on a nipple the relationship has gone to the ne=t level. 8e is a member o the nipple cl!b. Now the problem with girls today is that they are not as worried abo!t whom they allow into their nipple cl!b. ,ith pict!re phones and webcams they are inviting in members at a di--ying rateE ( don+t thin% they !lly appreciate how sacred the nipple is. (n act" they ris% ma%ing it .!st another body part. ( %now what yo!+re thin%ing. ,hat abo!t the vagina5 #hat+s a whole other iss!e. #hat+s a reprod!ctive organ and th!s lac%s the na_ve charm o a nipple. Seen at the wrong angle the vagina is downright terri ying. Not the nipple. (t can say hello rom !nder a t/shirt or lay there 4!ietly l!r%ing !nder a sweater li%e an alligator waiting or a ga-elle to stray too close to the water+s edge. (t+s the great wildcard when it comes to aro!sal. Men will paw at them cl!msily not %nowing whether the slightest bree-e against one will have the girl+s toes c!rling in ecstasy or i he might as well be p!lling on a nearby doorstop. ,hy do yo! thin% 8ollywood is so obsessed with the +nip slip+5 ( yo!+re a emale

celebrity and yo! thin% yo! have c!te nipples" it+s only a matter o time !ntil yo! >accidentally> let one pop o!t on the red carpet. ( yo! have !gly nipples then yo! have to be a +serio!s+ actress. )or heaven+s sa%e" men have themE ;!t somehow on a girl" it+s a whole di erent animal. So" anyway. ( yo!+re a girl Wta%e care o yo!r nipples and try to avoid showing them to .!st anyone. ( %now that when yo! see them every day they become very boring b!t to the men o the world they are still something special. ( have been ort!nate in my li e in the respect o having been party to more than one last h!rrah. Some inal event that brings to a close a partic!lar chapter o yo!r li e or becomes some sort o t!rning point in the lives aro!nd yo!. #he 4!estion becomes whether or not it+s important" that i at the time yo! were aware o it being a last h!rrah" or i it was only in retrospect that yo! %new it was" in act" a last h!rrah. Can yo! have a ne=t/to/last h!rrah or even .!st a plain old h!rrah5 ,hat i yo! have a re!nion o a last h!rrah 20 years later ... does that invalidate it5 3n A!g!st @" 1XZ@" there were a lot o people in 8iroshima having a last h!rrah witho!t even %nowing it. #o*estic s+elun(in' 0!ilt is an odd animal. (t doesn+t come at yo! li%e most other opponents. L!st will charge thro!gh the door and ma%e itsel %nown" b!t can be easily van4!ished by 4!ic%ly r!bbing one o!t. Envy can be tal%ed down o the ledge by simply ta%ing a good loo% aro!nd and t!rning o the #: or a ew days. 0reed ain+t n!ttin b!t a thang. Nothing !ses the shadows 4!ite li%e g!ilt. So (+m having this dream last night" (+m at a wa%e and altho!gh ( don+t recogni-e any o the aces" (+m still standing there all morose and s!ch and wondering who+s in the bo=. #hat+s the thing abo!t dreams" sometimes yo!+re .!st thrown in balls/deep with no e=planation. (t+s been awhile since anyone ( %now has died and (+m pretty s!re most people ( %now are healthy and not on death+s doorstep. So why a !neral5 ( try to t!rn the corner o the room (+m in and loo% into the bigger" ad.acent room that is holding the g!est o honor b!t it+s crowded and ( can+t seem to get by anyone. Ne=t (+m on a train. ( sort o get that one" p!shing thro!gh a crowd made my brain +.!mp the trac%s+ appropriately eno!gh" and thin% o the p!shing and shoving that ta%es place on a comm!ter train. #he thing is" (+m still trying to ma%e my way thro!gh the crowd to see who is in the bo=. ( seem to thin% that he or she is interred in the ne=t car. (+m %eeping my eyes down so as not to ma%e eye contact with anyone" the last thing ( need in an already con !sing dream is to add some conversation. #he train is barreling along" in and o!t o dar% places and light and it+s creating sort o a strobe e ect. K!st li%e the party (+m at. ( li t my eyes and (+m s!rro!nded by old riends. E=cept they are still yo!ng and (+m still yo!ng and the m!sic is th!mping and the lights are lashing and it is clearly on. Someone passes me a beer and we+re all sho!ting above the lo!d m!sic and having a great time. Everything ( say is !nny and everything they say is !nny and we+re

lo!d and obno=io!s and s!ddenly (+m bac% at the !neral home. My riends are gone b!t (+m still holding a beer and sho!ting and acting the ool. Everyone is loo%ing at me in horror and s!ddenly ( .!st %now that this is a child+s wa%e beca!se everyone is partic!larly heartbro%en and ( .!st yelled something h!moro!s and inappropriate. And ( wa%e !p. Sitting here now ( can totally rationali-e how the s!bconscio!s is complicated and yo! can+t ta%e things either too literally or too serio!sly b!t (+m telling yo! when ( wo%e !p my c!p r!nnethed over with g!ilt. #ry as ( might ( co!ldn+t get bac% to sleep" all ( wanted to do was somehow ma%e it bac% to the !neral home and apologi-e to everyone. A !neral home that didn+t e=ist illed with people (+ve never met be ore and ( laid there in bed eeling li%e the worst g!y in the world. A wa%e. A train. A party. ,hat the !c% did it mean5 Now ( wonder why ( chose to say g!ilt was an animal instead o an emotion. 'oes it stal% yo!5 'oes it pic% !p yo!r scent and trail yo! and chase yo! thro!gh sleep and wa%es and trains and parties and then s!ddenly decide the time is right to .!mp o!t and in lict itsel on yo!5 Can it really eel tri!mphant i it ma%es yo! eel horrible b!t yo!+re not s!re why5 Seems li%e a bit o a hollow victory i ( need to spend time trying to ig!re o!t what ( have to eel g!ilty or. 3r maybe that+s the big win" ma%ing yo! sort thro!gh all the possible transgressions yo! have to eel acco!ntable or. Maybe this g!ilt st! is a little smarter than ( give it credit or b!t maybe it !nderestimated me as well. )!c% it. #onight (+m going bac% to that wa%e and (+m going to tear that shit !p. battle #resse# for be# *o! have to admire the logic o children. (t+s !s!ally a lot more reasonable than most o !s give them credit or. Let+s loo% at monsters or e=ample. ,hen ( was a %id ( %new or certain that monsters didn+t e=ist rom s!nrise !ntil abo!t 10 or 11 pm. ( %new it or certain and nobody co!ld convince me otherwise. 3n the other hand" i my parents as%ed me to r!n down into the basement and grab something or them a ter the normal television viewing ho!rs had concl!ded ( loo%ed at it as nothing short o a death sentence i i wal%ed down there !narmed. 8ere is where the interesting logical part o being a child came into play. Monsters didn+t e=ist" b!t i they did then others things that didn+t m!st also e=ist. 3r at least be di erent than they appear d!ring normal daylight ho!rs. )or instance" my Ner g!n. ( monsters did indeed e=ist than my Ner g!n m!st be a Smith L ,esson 'eathmaster Z@0`" spitting o!t a combination o hot lead and anti/ matter. )ollowing me so ar5

( wo!ld wal% down the stairs %nowing monsters didn+t e=ist and eeling complete terror" b!t also con ident that the Ner g!n in my hand shot only little Ner b!llets !nless monsters did e=ist" at which time ( was positive that it wo!ld blast o!t a hail o scorching lasers and send whatever was l!r%ing in the closet straight bac% to hell. #o wal% in both worlds sim!ltaneo!sly is something that only a child can do. 3bvio!sly my parents m!st have tho!ght it c!te that ( wo!ld hesitate when the re4!est was made and then nonchalantly grab my weapon be ore starting the tre% downstairs. #hey e=isted in only one place" the world where monsters don+t e=ist and they en.oyed sending their o spring on silly errands or the simple .oy o seeing them ace their own inner demons. As soon as my little hand to!ched the door%nob two distinct realities popped into e=istence. My one/piece Scooby 'oo pa.amas with the eet on them in one" blac% boots" camo pants and torn white m!scle shirt in the other. #he distant so!nd o the evening news coming on in one and the b!--ing o helicopters over a so!ndtrac% o ll long the #atchtower by Kimi 8endric%s in the other. #wo %ids ma%ing their way down the same stairsA the help !l son grabbing a screwdriver or his 'ad and earth+s last hope or s!rvival. #he parents listening heard only one o them slowly ma%ing his way down" the opening o the tool chest sit!ated at the other end o the basement and then" inally" the so!nd o little eet tearing ass !p the stairs in a way that made them s!re that he wo!ld be !nable to slow down in time and %eep r!nning straight thro!gh the opposite wall and into the garage. E=cept or that one time. #he time that the so!nd o the tool chest was instead ollowed by the almost/imperceptible noise o a light switch at the top o the stairs being t!rned o by a ather who tho!ght it wo!ld be !nny to see how his son reacted. >#hey+re coming straight or yo!E> screamed my headset as my ingers !mbled to release the sa ety o my 'eathmaster Z@0`. ( laid down s!ppression ire best as ( co!ld as ( tried to ma%e it behind the co!ch be ore the real shit started. #he closet door sw!ng open violently and in the dar%ness ( co!ld see the glowing red eyes" smell the o!l stench o their breath and hear their cloven hooves as they la!nched themselves at me. #he grenade la!ncher attachment sent o a ew o the conc!ssion variety and soon the carpeting was littered with teeth and scales. ( elt them circling behind me so" with a b!rst o pro anity" ( rolled orward and made a brea% or it. S!ddenly ( saw a sha t o light and reali-ed that one o my parents had opened the door at the top o stairs. #hey had no idea what awaited them only a ew yards away so ( ran. ( ran !ntil my l!ngs were abo!t to b!rst and ( covered those 12 eet in record time. #hat+s when ( saw it. L!rching !p the stairs towards the o!tline o my 'ad. All horns and bad intentions. ( co!ldn+t ris% !sing my lamethrower" b!t a miss rom my Z@0` co!ld be a one/way tic%et to oblivion or my old man. ( had to ris% it. My inger s4!ee-ed the trigger at the same instant my 'ad m!st have lipped the light switch bac% on. Monster brains s!ddenly er!pted and covered his horri ied ace as the twitching and trembling beast collapsed at his eet. 8e loo%ed down and saw me %neeling with my still/ smo%ing weapon cl!tched in my blood/soa%ed hands and or a moment his eyes met mine

and then his inger twitched invol!ntarily and pl!nged the stairway bac% into dar%ness. Almost as 4!ic%ly it lic%ed again" (+ll never be s!re how vol!ntarily" and once again the light popped on and ( sat there in my Scooby 'oo pa.amas with the eet in the them and he stood there with a ace completely devoid o monster brains. 8e never than%ed me or what co!ld have never act!ally happened. *ep" %ids certainly have a di erent way o seeing the world. 3r worlds. #he logical and the illogical" the real and the !nreal" and the place where both e=ist sim!ltaneo!sly. My dad and ( never spo%e o that night b!t he never as%ed me to go into the basement or the closet or the woods or attic or the garage a ter dar% again. (t+s almost a shame act!ally" s!ch a waste o irepower. roo**ate trouble C irst appeared on www. ree lash iction.com webpage <21F212D (+ve said it be ore and (+ll type it again" yo!r embarrassing moments are really the only things that are tr!ly yo!rs. (t+s hard to pict!re any s!ccess (+ve had witho!t thin%ing o the people or circ!mstance behind it. Not so with those times where yo! are completely morti ied. ,hile ( won+t go as ar as to say they de ine a person" they certainly throw a spotlight into the nether regions o who yo! tr!ly are. Now obvio!sly yo!+re sitting bac% slightly in yo!r chair eager to hear abo!t one o mine. ( mean" (+ve set the stage" now all ( have to do is start in and tell yo! abo!t that one time at the bachelor party ... Not going to happen. ( am rarely ashamed abo!t anything (+ve done b!t the bachelor party incident is not something ( will willingly share !nless a certain amo!nt o water boarding is involved. 1robably a great deal o it. Now" be ore yo! go r!shing o to read another blog abo!t coo%ing or Kes!s" ( will throw yo! a bone and tell yo! another story that is almost e4!ally as h!miliating. #hat seems very air to me. (t was my irst day o college. ( had .!st been dropped o by the parents and was resh o meeting my new roommate or the year. A large" thic% yo!ng man who didn+t seem partic!larly bright and m!mbled his words a bit m!ch or my li%ing b!t on the other hand it co!ld have been worse. At least that+s what ( was thin%ing to mysel a ter o!r initial interaction. ( was stac%ing towels in my closet when he wal%ed by and cas!ally mentioned that the showers were co/ed. 8e then departed the room and le t me ro-en in place. Literally" my arm was holding a towel hal way on ro!te to its destination and there it remained as ( processed what ( had .!st heard. Co/ed showers5 (t was 4!ite obvio!s he was too m!ch o a d!llard to be %iddingA he m!st have tho!ght it .!st neighborly to mention it as he saw me p!tting away my towels. $ight5 Co/ed showers5E My legs almost gave o!t be ore ( made it to the edge o my bed where ( promptly gave !p

any pretense o standing and let gravity do its thing. #he battle inside my head began in earnest. My eyes were thrilled with this news beca!se it meant seeing boobs lopping aro!nd whenever ( chose. #he rest o my body was panic%ed" %nowing ( was physically a complete disaster. Any girl who ca!ght sight o me na%ed wo!ld soon spread the word that the Lance Manion show was something to be missed at all costs. E=cept ... or my penis. (+m going to come right o!t and say it. ( am pac%ing. ;!t let me bac% !p a bit and e=plain something abo!t the yo!ng Lance Manion that sat trembling on the edge o his bed. 8e di ers greatly rom the Lance Manion o today who is so com ortable spea%ing abo!t himsel in the third person. ;ac% then ( was a bit naive. Not only had ( not been aro!nd the bloc% m!ch" b!t ( wasn+t even s!re where this bloc% was. Events had conspired to %eep me a bit behind the times i yo! will. ( was entered into school a year earlier than most %ids and ( hit p!berty m!ch later than other males. #hose two actors wor%ed together to ma%e s!re ( didn+t get my bait and tac%le !ntil well into my .!nior year o high school. #hat+s right. K!nior year. (s it any wonder (+m !c%ed !p5 ,hile all the other boys" even most o the reshmen" were wal%ing aro!nd !lly loaded ( still had the starter %it. ( remember distinctly an inebriated girl approaching me at a party sophomore year and attempting to thr!st her hand down the ront o my pants as she said" >Let+s see what yo! got down there.> ( reacted as i the invitation had come rom my wrestling coach. #he loo% o con !sion on her ace was pro o!nd. Any other boy wo!ld have loved to have been in that spot" b!t any other boy wo!ld have had a !nctioning dong or her to grab. ( had the .!n% o a [ year old so ( had to bac%pedal and ma%e e=c!ses and lee the party be ore word o my se=!al transgression reached the ears o my riends. ( g!ess while (+m dishing here ( might as well tell yo! another regrettable res!lt o my late blooming. ( had ME$3 idea what was going on between the legs o emales. #here was something ( co!ldn+t !nderstand and didn+t have the nerve to as% d!ring health class. Even now (+m having tro!ble typing it so yo! can appreciate .!st how st!pid ( was when it came to the physiology o the airer se=. 3%. 8ere it is. ( didn+t !nderstand how girls co!ld swim or ta%e a bath. ( %now" yo!+re no closer to !nderstanding what ( mean having read that sentence. ,hy on earth co!ldn+t a girl go swimming or ta%e a bath5 ;eca!se ( tho!ght their !teri Cpl!ral o !ter!sD wo!ld ill will water. #here ( said it. ( didn+t !nderstand why water wo!ldn+t .!st go r!shing !p their t!bing and ma%e them sin%. ( had seen plenty o pict!res o the emale genitalia and it certainly didn+t loo% to me li%e the vagina shared any o the water/tight properties o the an!s. ( literally imagined a girl climbing o!t o the bath and having to stand there as her vagina drained li%e a p!nct!red hot water bottle. ( wo!ld stand poised and ready at the edge o

the pool as girls h!rled themselves into the deep end" seemingly oblivio!s to the peril their large/capacity !teri p!t them in" waiting or the ren-ied re4!est to dive in and start ha!ling them o!t be ore they drowned. A call that never came. That was the Lance Manion that sat on the edge o the bed absorbing the news that ( wo!ld now be showering right ne=t to these con !sing creat!res. My ne=t tho!ght was whether or not they made shower chaps. ( ( co!ld get my hands on a pair o those bad boys ( was convinced ( wo!ld be o%. #hey wo!ld hide my s%inny legs and bony ass b!t prominently eat!re my giant penis. ( was .!st abo!t to head down to the school store to see i these ego/saving items e=isted in plastic or i ( was going to be orced to spend a year showering in leather when my roommate ret!rned and saw me sitting on my bed white as a ghost. >*o! %now ( was %idding right5> he as%ed. #he Lance Manion who is c!rrently occ!pying this chair" and who has little tro!ble tal%ing abo!t himsel in the third person" as (+ve mentioned previo!sly" wo!ld have cas!ally la!ghed and played the whole thing o b!t ( swear the Lance Manion on the edge o the bed simply pitched orward !nconscio!s. ( passed right the !c% o!t. ( g!ess ( hadn+t ta%en a breath since he le t the room. ( remember him as%ing me i ( %new he was %idding as the room got dar% and then nothing else. A ew ho!rs later ( came down with strep throat and spent the ne=t two days in bed eeling li%e ( was abo!t to die. Alone and !nloved at some god/ orsa%en college in the middle o a corn ield and to this very day (+m convinced my imm!ne system sh!t down temporarily beca!se o the shoc% o pict!ring mysel wal%ing aro!nd in ront o na%ed girls wearing nothing b!t leather chaps and a large boner. #hat+s abo!t as close as any event co!ld ever s!m me !p. the anni&ersar +resent #his will show yo! e=actly how messed !p their marriage was. Neither o them co!ld remember who originally came !p with the idea o how to celebrate their B0th anniversary. Maybe it was .!st a nat!ral progression" as long as yo! are com ortable !sing the term nat!ral to describe something so messed !p. #he writing was on the wall or everyone to see. ,ell" the ca%e anyway. Every year they p!t a n!mber o candles on it e4!al to their years o marriage pl!s one or l!c%. #his year there were thirty candles. #here was no candle or l!c%. 'id they each eel somehow that a candle or l!c% wo!ld be !nl!c%y5

(t wo!ldn+t even be air to say they hated each other. ( mean" it wo!ld be acc!rate to say they completely loathed the very sight o each other" b!t not air. )air seems to indicate blame and the terrible tr!th is that each one o them individ!ally wo!ld have made someone else a good spo!se. Not a great spo!se b!t not a bad one either. Not as bad a spo!se as they made the other anyway. ( g!ess it+s .!dgmental to say a tr!th can be terrible in the irst place. #he tr!th is .!st the tr!th. And the tr!th was that they had %ids so divorce was never an option. #hey were st!c% together and they both %new it. Each heard the gavel come down and the sentence handed o!t in their own way. A sentence that always seemed to stretch o!t .!st a little !rther. At irst there seemed to be a light at the end o the high school t!nnel. 0et the %ids o to college and then they co!ld go their separate ways and en.oy what dwindling years lay be ore them. #hen came the reali-ation that they wo!ld need to stay together !ntil each child started a amily o their own. #hen came the reali-ation that having the grand%ids splitting time with each o them on holidays .!st wo!ldn+t do. #hen came the inal reali-ation that they were tr!ly !c%ed. $eali-ation... resignation. ,hatever. 1erhaps it was when their amily and riends as%ed them what they really wanted or their B0th anniversary that the idea came to them. Each had been thin%ing it since their @th anniversary. Maybe it was as late as their Fth b!t it had been there l!r%ing in both o them or a long time. So a ter the last o the well/wishers had departed they sat at their %itchen table. 8e placed the g!n on the table. *o! wo!ld thin% that at a moment li%e that there wo!ld be more drama b!t there wasn+t. (t was almost witho!t any animosity at all. 8e p!t in a single b!llet and sp!n the chamber.

Neither o them really cared how it t!rned o!t" .!st as long as it was inally over. #hat might be the hardest part to believe b!t it was tr!e. #hey each prod!ced their notes and placed them on the table in ront o themselves. ,ritten on the paper was a well tho!ght o!t e=planation o what drove them to s!icide. #here were little hints abo!t the sad state o their relationship b!t what was the point o dragging old demons into the light at this point5 (nstead" they described a general malaise mi=ed with a ear o aging. (t wo!ld ma%e per ect sense to both loved ones and the a!thorities. 'id ( mention that neither o them really cared how it t!rned o!t .!st as long as one o them was dead5 *o! might thin% that his gest!re o as%ing i she wo!ld li%e to go irst might s!ddenly ignite some small spar% o sympathy or even allow them to rediscover some small bond between them b!t clearly yo! haven+t spent thirty years wishing nothing more than to hear the tragic news o yo!r partner+s s!dden and !ne=pected demise" only to see their st!pid ace still breathing in bed ne=t to yo! night a ter night. She de erred. 8e too% the g!n" placed it to his head and s4!ee-ed the trigger. Clic%. 8e did so witho!t any hesitation and was almost sorry to hear the iring pin hit an empty chamber. 8e handed the g!n over. An act completely devoid o malice. $obotic. She loo%ed at him and or a moment it appeared that she wo!ld spea% b!t then tho!ght better o it and simply placed the g!n against her orehead" closed her eyes and p!lled the trigger. #rigger is a !nny word. (t means to ca!se or generate or elicit. ,hat it meant or the b!llet is di erent than what it meant or the man. )or the b!llet it meant beginning a short .o!rney thro!gh her crani!m. )or the man it meant p!tting away his letter" dialing the police in

moc% horror and starting his li e again. She was smiling. 8e smiled. +ic( a nose- an nose So ( was thin%ing abo!t being a motivational spea%er or something. ( can tal% pretty good and ( don+t mind getting !p in ront o crowds. ( was in a band when ( was yo!nger. ,ell" marching band. Same thing" sort o A yo! have to get !p in ront o people and per orm ... .!st witho!t the gay spande=. ,ell" the !ni orm was pretty gay with the hat and all so ( g!ess it+s a wash. Maybe motivational spea%er isn+t what ( meant. #he %ind o spea%er that gets !p in ront o a b!nch o people loo%ing or advice on how to live their li e based on a simple metaphor" or needing inspiration to overcome their shitty li e or something" is more o what ( was thin%ing. 8ere+s why. ( came !p with a great one the other day. A metaphor. Most people wo!ld thin% that people who pic% their nose and eat it wo!ld need a two step program to stop. K!st ma%es sense. *o!+d need to stop the !rge to pic% yo!r nose and yo!+d de initely need to stop wanting to eat it right5 ,rongE *o! only need to ig!re o!t how to stop pic%ing yo!r nose. *o! can still want to eat boogers b!t i they are still inside yo!r nose yo! can+t get at them. *o! see what (+m getting at5 *o! don+t need a two step program at all. *o! .!st need the one step6 stop pic%ing yo!r nose. 1ic%ing is the only way to get at the snot inside it so i yo! can stop pic%ing yo!+ve got it lic%ed. Can+t yo! almost see a g!y in a nice s!it wal%ing bac% and orth on a small stage at some 8oliday (nn meeting room laying this in ormation on yo! or only ]1@5 #hat g!y co!ld be me. #hereJs got to be a do-en things that yo! co!ld compare that strategy to. (+ve done my homewor%. (+ve sat and tho!ght abo!t all the other possible ways to get snot o!t o yo!r nose and pic%ing is the only way ( co!ld come !p with. ?sing a pencil or twee-ers still co!nts as pic%ing" pic%ing is a verb" not a no!n li%e inger. ?nless yo! say something li%e >pic%ings are slim> where ( thin% that ma%es it a no!n b!t that wo!ldn+t be applicable Ca great word or a g!y to say in a s!it and holding a microphoneD" beca!se i yo! stopped pic%ing yo!r nose the pic%ings wo!ld be bo!nti !l Canother @ star wordD in an !npic%ed nose. #he best part is that ( don+t need to go into a great deal o detail on how to stop pic%ing yo!r nose. ( co!ld .!st ind someone in the a!dience to admit that they pic% their nose and then yell at them to stop !ntil they cry or all to their %nees and promise not to do it again. #he +why+ they stopped isn+t as important as the message o now they don+t need to stop wanting to eat their boogers.

Li%e ( said" there has got to be a do-en things yo! can !se an e=ample o this plan in action. #a%e or e=ample the g!y who drin%s and drives. #hat+s a pop!lar disease these days and chances are there will be a ew o those ol%s in any a!dience. All ( have to do is show them that it+s o% to drive as long as they stop drin%ing be orehand. 13,E 1oint made. (t+s not the driving that+s bad" .!st li%e it+s not the wanting to eat yo!r boogers that+s bad. (t+s the act o eating them that is bad" .!st li%e it+s the dr!n% part o driving. K!st typing this has me all e=cited abo!t having an assistant changing the slides as ( ma%e each point. *o! %now" one o those %ic%/ass 1ower1oints where ( can show a diagram o the nasal cavity and then a car all smashed and twisted aro!nd a tree. Ma%ing lots o eye contact and peppering the speech with dramatic pa!ses. ( can stand in ront o them and pretend to be going thro!gh some h!ge internal debate" raising and lowering my inger to my nose as they all gasp and wonder which direction (+m going to go. (+m telling yo!" this idea is gold. *o! can still want to do dr!gs" .!st don+t b!y them and yo! can+t do themE *o! can still want to go o!t and have se= with strangers b!t i yo! loc% yo!rsel in a tr!n% yo! can+t leave the ho!se. *o! can want to s!r .!st don+t learn to swim. 9eep that inger o!t o that nose and yo!+re ine. Shit" there+s the boo% title right thereE Maybe get an actor to pretend they are a psychologist in a #: commercial saying what a brea%thro!gh idea this is and how everyone sho!ld h!stle down to the 8oliday (nn this ,ednesday at < so they can get their shit straight by listening to me. 3 co!rse" (+ll r!n a disclaimer at the bottom o the screen admitting that the psychologist isn+t a psychiatrist and instead is an actor b!t (+ll ma%e it so small that an eagle with its bea% pressed right !p against the screen co!ldn+t read it. *o! see" ( can still want to help people as long as they are willing to pay or it. #here+s a per ect way to end this" b!t ( .!st can+t seem to p!t my inger in it. !4 (t s!ddenly occ!rred to me the other day ... there m!st be do-ens" i not h!ndreds" o women that wal% aro!nd with the %nowledge that they slept with Michael Anthony rom :an 8alen. ( can+t envision the horror. (magine inding o!t that yo!r wi e slept with Michael AnthonyE 8ow co!ld yo! ever orgive the dirty sl!t5E Now i it were 'avid Lee $oth ( don+t thin% there is a red/blooded man in America that wo!ld begr!dge his wi e that one. Ass!ming" o co!rse" that it was be ore his 2nd solo alb!m. A ter that he drops down a ew notches. ( ( had a wi e who had been nailed by 'L$ in" say" 1X<X ( thin% ( wo!ld tell everyone ( %now. (t wo!ld also go a long way in e=plaining the b!rning sensation ( have whenever ( pee. ;!t Michael Anthony5E ?n orgivable. ( try to pict!re the scene bac%stage ... the chaos" the e=citement when the band inally enters the room a ter the show. #here he is ... the magni icent 'avid Lee $oth. 3nly the

best o the best whores dare approach him. 8is leotard glistening" he sorts thro!gh the vario!s prospects and inally departs with the l!c%y lady. 3bvio!sly" there is still plenty o estrogen in the air as Eddie ma%es his way aro!nd to console the r!nner/!p. ( can almost eel the tension as he inally ma%es his choice and leads the spande=/clad woman o to some nearby bac% room or closet. All eyes then ma%e their way to Ale= :an 8alen. #he bron-e penis is abo!t to be awarded and (+m s!re there is a little desperation among the emales as they .oc%ey or his attention. *o! %now there is one who is cl!tching a thrown dr!mstic% to her breast li%e some sweaty bo!4!et as i to say he was the one she wanted all along. Amongst the road crew there is also growing anticipation. #hey %now as soon as Ale= ma%es his selection that it is open season on the rest o the herd. All o them" rom the manager to the so!nd g!y to the light technician" eyeball the remaining talent and await the moment that they will descend !pon them li%e so many hyenas on a pac% o ga-elles. Snorting and gr!nting and ma%ing s!re their bac%stage pass and over/blown sense o importance to the show are on !ll display. And then there is Michael Anthony. 9ing o the 8yenas. #he Zth hottest girl in the room thin%ing >( shaved my privates or this5> as she weighs her options amongst the roc% and roll rabble. 8er riends giggle and enco!rage her ... a s!re sense that it is a tragic mista%e waiting to happen. #wenty min!tes later she is p!lling down her minis%irt and desperately loo%ing or an e=it so she can r!n to a pharmacy and b!y a gallon o Lysol to soa% her vagina in overnight. A long blac% night o ignoring the ringing phone and doorbell" lost in the din o her own sel /loathing. >Michael Anthony5 'id ( really let the :an 8alen bass player do me5> A scene that will replay itsel every night or at least a month and then sporadically or the rest o her nat!ral li e. #wenty years later" sl!mped over a dimly lit co!nter at a local bar" sl!rring o!t >Michael Anthony5 'id ( really let the :an 8alen bass player do me5>. #he memory o his thic% sa!sage bass/playing ingers probing her. 8is big damp belly. #hat beard. #hat terrible/smelling beard. 8is n!bby little bass player penis. And to thin%" there are so many women wal%ing aro!nd who have had this e=perience. Living with the secret terror that it will one day come to light and they will be driven rom polite society. )orced to ta%e re !ge among the other victims o bad decision/ ma%ing. Li%e girls that slept with any o the !oison band members. E=cept C.C. ... ( ass!me those girls %illed themselves a long time ago. the +re*ise is not the stor

(t+s not so m!ch that ( ind li e partic!larly d!ll" it+s .!st that ( don+t li%e the act that we live o!t o!r days in a d!ll order. 3ne a ter another" we+re born" we age and then we die. 'ay a ter day. ;oringE (+d m!ch pre er to live o!t my li e in a random way" where every morning ( wa%e !p a random age on a random day in my li e. (+m not as%ing or more days" i ( live a partic!lar day then ( can+t live it again" ( wo!ld .!st li%e to mi= them !p so all the shitty ones aren+t waiting or me at the end. Call it a ear o aging or" more acc!rately" a pretty good idea o what lies ahead. ,o!ldn+t it be m!ch cooler to go to sleep not %nowing what the ne=t day will holdA physically" mentally and socially5 All the great tri!mphs and disappointments waiting to be lived" each e4!ally as li%ely on any given morning. Call it a reorgani-ation o conscio!sness. Now the big iss!e is how it wo!ld wor%. ,hen yo!r eyes pop open how wo!ld yo! %now what day it is5 Are yo! in school" are yo! at wor%" is this the day yo! lose yo!r virginity or is this the day yo! have that do!ble root canal5 #hat+s the most interesting thing abo!t the whole concept. K!st be ore yo! wa%e !p yo!+d have to go into a small brie ing room and get yo!r daily !pdate. ( imagine it li%e a police holding cell" a single chair on the other side rom a table where two people wait with manila olders to give yo! the pertinent details. (t de initely wo!ldn+t be li%e some corporate meeting room" ( can+t pict!re that in any o the vario!s scenarios in my head. Nope" this is a small drab room painted in the colors o a government cinder/bloc% b!ilding" perhaps gray or vomit/green. #he table is ric%ety and the chair is one o those n!mbers that has a gray metal bac% and a seat that is covered with a green vinyl that is torn and peeling. 8eavy and !ncom ortable. #he light wo!ld lic%er occasionally as i the !niverse wanted yo! to %now what a hassle yo!r e=istence is. *o!r two handlers wo!ldn+t be so m!ch ill/tempered as disinterested. (t+s clear every morning that they have something better they co!ld be doing than bringing yo! !p to speed with yo!r age and bac%gro!nd or the day. ( imagine mysel somewhat s!rly" perhaps even p!tting my eet !p on the table despite its poor condition. (+m s!re (+d be e=cited by the prospects o what lays ahead or me b!t ( s!rely wo!ldn+t want them to %now it. My ace wo!ld be a mas% o indi erence. ;!t inside ... how cool wo!ld it be i yo! were .!st as li%ely to live o!t some great day o yo!r yo!th !l prime as a depressing day st!c% in a n!rsing home or mindlessly crawling aro!nd as a baby5 Every morning" trying to nonchalantly sit down and wait or that older to be opened and the partic!lars o yo!r daily reality to be revealed. ( can imagine my ingers nervo!sly pic%ing at the vinyl between my legs" trying my best not to ma%e the hole any bigger" b!t !nable to contain my enth!siasm. ( don+t have the time or energy to r!n thro!gh how all the choices yo! ma%e impact days yo!+ve previo!sly lived o!t. ( g!ess the whole thing pres!pposes that yo!+ve already lived yo!r whole li e o!t and now yo!+re .!st going thro!gh the motions. ,hatever. #hose motions can be pretty !n and at least yo! wo!ldn+t have to deal with the act that every day yo! get another day older. Can yo! pict!re the two people sitting across rom yo! giving yo! the speci ics be ore

they see yo! o each morning5 (+ve got one man and one woman. #he man drin%s bad co ee o!t o a Styro oam c!p and wears white soc%s with blac% dress shoes. ( don+t thin% he reali-es that yo! can see his soc%s when he+s sitting. #he woman is middle/aged and altho!gh not !nattractive ( ind her !nappealing physically" b!t her advice on certain topics is sometimes val!able. ( li%e to thin% when the man tells me >'on+t do anything st!pid> each day seconds be ore ( am la!nched into my li e he says it with some a ection. ( yo! stop and thin% abo!t it" ( g!ess yo! still have to deal with the act that every day yo! have one less day ahead o yo!. (n act" a ter awhile yo! can probably ig!re o!t that yo!+ve never lived a day past a certain age so that m!st be when yo! die. *o! co!ld probably do the math in yo!r head and ig!re o!t how many days yo! have le t. Not s!re that+s a big selling eat!re o my little plan b!t ( thin% it still beats slowly aging and losing virility and mental ac!lties. Maybe there will come a morning meeting when yo!r two handlers will point o!t that this day is yo!r last" and they will stand and sha%e yo!r hand and tell yo! it+s been a pleas!re wor%ing with yo!. ,o!ldn+t it be great on some level5 0oing into yo!r last day eeling great. 1erhaps yo!+re 1[ and it+s s!mmer vacation and yo! can go climb a hill on a clo!dless day and stare !p at the bl!e s%y. ( can hear the s4!ea%ing noise the chair ma%es as ( p!ll it o!t rom !nder the table and brie ly cross the tile loor so ( can sit down. (+m not s!re whether each morning the g!y p!lled o!t my older rom a well/worn brie case he has sitting ne=t to him" or i the older is always sitting there on the table as ( wal% in. Either way" was that a 4!ic% lic%er o remorse in the emaleJs eye as the older is lipped open or the inal time5 ( g!ess there is still the chance that ( will spend my last day alone" incoherent and sitting in a p!ddle o my own !rine" even in this version o living o!t my li e" b!t ( certainly li%e my odds. ,ill ( be 1[ and strong o body and st!pid between the ears in all the great ways yo! can only be when yo!+re yo!ng5 Can ( lie bac% on the grass and old my arms behind my head and watch the s!n set and the stars start to twin%le above me !ntil ( dri t o to sleep5

Fa&orite T$eets.
#he na at the end o banana annoys me as m!ch as it wo!ld yo! i it were bananana. 1eople who are scared o things becoming !nraveled are overestimating raveled. ,hen a man spends time in prison it changes him. Especially his asshole. eel (tJs rare that ( go o!t to eat. (Jm a bit o a homebody b!t last night ( decided to treat mysel to some Chinese ood. (Jm a big an o sesame shrimp so ( was pretty p!mped !p abo!t things when ( entered the resta!rant. As (Jm waiting to be served ( see this big tan% along the wall. C!rio!s ( wal% over and what do ( see b!t this big eel sitting there with his big eel ace loo%ing at me. Abo!t B eet long" the thic%ness o a Co%e can and the color o

something that yo! spit o!t a ter a long hac%ing co!gh. #!rns o!t that this !gly g!y is on the men!E 8eJs waiting there or someone to order him. ,ow. So ( sit there or awhile loo%ing at this !c%ed !p loo%ing ish/thing when it occ!rs to me that ( sho!ld eat him. 8ow primal is that5E ( s!ddenly got this h!ge r!sh o power. (t was !p to me i he lived or died. ( whispered to him" H'o yo! want me to eat yo!5 ( co!ld yo! %now"I b!t he .!st stared vacantly bac% at me. (t hit me that this is how a lion eels cro!ched in the grass as he snea%s !p on a wildebeest W si-ing !p his ne=t meal. ( act!ally .!mped when the hostess to!ched my sho!lder and told me my table was ready. ( too% the men! and gave it an obligatory loo% !p and down b!t every ew seconds ( wo!ld ga-e past the plastic placard and stare at the eel in the tan%. Sitting there" completely !naware that ( held his li e in my hands. At least a hal do-en times ( peered aro!nd my men! and whispered" H(Jm thin%ing o eating yo!I and H(Jm going to p!t yo! in my mo!th" chew yo!" swallow yo!" and digest yo!I in his direction. ,hen the waitress inally came to my table ( as%ed a avor. ( told her (Jd li%e to order by the tan%. ( wal%ed over with every nerve/ending tingling. ( loc%ed eyes with my slippery riend one last time. H(Jll be having the eelI. Moments later he was !nceremonio!sly ha!led o!t o his tan% and bro!ght bac% to the %itchen. ,as that a pang o g!ilt ( elt5 (Jm not s!re what ( e=pected b!t ( was a little disappointed when she didnJt ret!rn 10 min!tes later with a B oot long ried entrae. (nstead ( got a plate with h!n%s o the slimy ormer/tan%/inhabitant mi=ed in with peas and noodles. ( was even more disappointed to ind o!t that he really did taste li%e chic%en. Still W what a r!sh. ( yo!Jve never eaten something that yo! spo%e with .!st moments be ore ( highly recommend it. (n act" ( might not ever again eat anything b!t things ( b!y o!t o a tan% or cage. ( even heard abo!t this place that coo%s a cat ish while itJs still alive and" thro!gh the wonder o a hideo!sly primitive nervo!s system" yo! get to eat it while its mo!th is still ma%ing breathing motions and its eyes are loo%ing !p at yo! with the mother o all 7,#)J e=pressions. ( g!ess that wo!ld be the pinnacle o dining coolness W !nless yo! happen to be one o those l!c%y bastards who crash lands on a desolate mo!ntain top or something and is orced to eat his2her ellow passengers. 3 co!rse" how disappointing wo!ld it be to ind o!t that the hot chic% in seat 1ZC tastes li%e chic%en5 cheerasourus non"erectus ,hat the !c% has happened to cheerleaders5 ;ac% when ( went to high school" as deplorable as they were at being decent h!man beings" the F or < hottest girls were always the cheerleaders. #hey dressed !p in those sl!tty little o!t its and only slept with

ootball players and that was the way things were. Everyone !nderstood the r!les and nobody 4!estioned them. At the games they stood in ront o everyone and shrie%ed and %ic%ed and occasionally ormed a pyramid or something b!t that was the e=tent o their acrobatics. ,hat happened5E ( went to a high school ootball game a ew wee%s bac% and co!ldn+t believe my eyes. #here were li%e B0 girls lined !p and they were a collection o the !gliest and attest girls to ever s4!ish into tan% tops. 8oly shitE ( had heard r!mors that ever since cheerleading became an act!al sport in and o itsel " some schools had added a ew +thic%er+ girls to hoist the other girls !p into the air and catch them as they ell" and drag a cement mi=er !p a steep hill by their teeth" b!t this was ridic!lo!s. (t seems overnight the !nattractive girls o the world staged a co!p and too% over cheerleading s4!ads. 3 the B0 there were li%e maybe @ ( wo!ld have done in high school and ( was a complete loser who wo!ld have done almost anyone. Some o them even wore %nee braces and wrist/s!pports and shit li%e that ... ( wanted to e=plain to them that they are s!pposed to be eye/candy" not sweaty m! in/topped gym rats. 'oing a little research ( o!nd o!t that this ta%eover act!ally happened at the Mom/level some years bac%. ;eca!se they never got to be cheerleaders when they were in high school" all the at and !gly Moms too% over the pee/wee2midget cheerleading associations and started to tell the heino!s lie that all girls can cheerlead. Especially their at and2or !gly da!ghtersE #he hot girls event!ally moved on to other things beca!se we all %now they aren+t going to any spend time with !nattractive girls in grade school. (t+s social death. So now yo! have this whole h!ge lood o at and2or !gly girls po!ring into high schools completely !naware that at and2or !gly girls have no place in cheerleading o!t its. Li%e a plag!e o at and2or !gly loc!st they swarmed into tryo!ts driving o!t the hot girls. #o ma%e matters worse" this new era o cheerleading doesn+t allow c!ts so anyone who wants to can s4!ee-e themselves into the o!t its and call themselves a cheerleaderE 3!trageo!s. As yo! may imagine (+m a bit con licted on the topic. As ( mentioned" ( was a total dor% in high school so on some level ( sho!ld be happy that the bea!ti !l people have lost something that at one time was .!st handed to them. 1erhaps it+s h!man nat!re to be somehow attracted to the very things we abhor. #a%e or instance" whenever (+m wal%ing down the aisle at 8ome 'epot (+m !s!ally sporting a !ll erection despite the act that ( can+t b!ild s4!at and don+t even %now what most o the e4!ipment is !sed or. (n high school ( was orced to ta%e one shop class and while the rest o the males were p!tting the inishing to!ched on their assorted g!n rac%s and entertainment centers" ( was still str!ggling to complete the c!tting board that my mother wo!ld later be so pro!d o . ( believe ( received an )b or the class and visited the n!rse with in.!ries re4!iring bandages and applied press!re at least a hal do-en times. #he point being that ( sho!ld revel in this new cheerleading reality" sho!ldn+t (5 #he problem is that even as a dor% ( loo%ed orward to seeing the lash o panty when the cheerleaders wo!ld %ic%. K!st the slightest pee% wo!ld start my blood racing ... especially so!th o the border. Sometimes yo! see some teen movie where the cheerleader orgets to p!t on her !nderwear and

lashes the crowd and ( have to be honest with mysel and admit that i ( wo!ld have seen act!al cheerleader vagina or even a raction o a second ( wo!ld have probably s! ered an ane!rism and died on the spot. )or however horrible they were as people" the cheerleader was iconic. A symbol to all post/adolescent teens. And by symbol ( mean someone to .er% o to three or o!r times a day. 1ower !l st! . 3r it was anyway. Now that+s all gone apparently" as the word power !lly now means possessing enormo!s power in ch!n%y legs and b!lging biceps. And the acesE ,hat ( wo!ldn+t have given or one apple/pie smile as ( loo%ed down rom the stands. (nstead ( saw b!sted ace a ter b!sted ace" shrilly carrying o!t gymnastic moves previo!sly only seen in $omania" by crowds acc!stomed to s4!at callo!sed emales covered in chal% and tape" h!rling themselves aro!nd in the hopes o getting an additional tenth o a point on their score. Nobody in $omania is trying to catch a glimpse o the mess that is no do!bt l!r%ing !nder those short s%irts. ;elieve that. *o! have to wonder i cheerleaders still have attit!des. 8ow can they possibly be snotty i everyone can ma%e the team5 Co!ld it be that hot girls act!ally loo% down on cheerleaders now5 As impla!sible as that might have seemed only a ew years ago it might act!ally be the case. Li%e when the mammals too% over the Earth rom the dinosa!rs. 3nly this time in reverse. bac(fire# )or the ?nited States" 201[ started with a bang. A very big bang. A bang that reverberated aro!nd the world. A bang that was triggered by years o t!rning a blind eye to (ran b!ilding centri !ges and decades o ignoring the iss!e o illegal immigration. #hese two problems" along with tho!sands o other estering concerns not worthy o act!ally addressing" .oined orces to allow the ina!g!ration o the nation+s Z[th 1resident to be interr!pted by the detonation o a small n!clear ission bomb. #he a orementioned big bang. #he shoc% wave started by gelignite dissolved in nitroglycerine 4!ic%ly passed thro!gh the e=plosive lenses and then balls/deep into the ?rani!m2B@ and" th!s" began a chain reaction that achieved the terroristsJ goal o %illing every politician" lobbyist and in l!ential lawyer residing in the co!ntry they hated the most" in one terrible lash. ,hat is it they say abo!t goals5 #hey are made to be bro%en5 No wait. #hat doesn+t so!nd right. ( thin% its dreams that are made to be bro%en. 8mm ... nope. (s it eggs or omelets perhaps5 ,hatever is made to be bro%en then that+s what (+m going or. ;est laid plans maybe5 No. Anyway" a ter years o care !l plan/laying and !nder the very noses o a government more oc!sed on getting the c!rrent representatives elected to another term than act!ally

accomplishing anything on behal o the people they represent" e=tremists reali-ed their dream o wiping ,ashington" 'C o the map. #he irst domino ell in dramatic ashion. ;!t the thing abo!t dominos is that they tend to r!n in pac%s and a ter one alls then another gets it into its head to all and so on and so orth !ntil yo! have something very similar to ission ta%ing place. 3r yo! can li%en it to social evol!tion and the s!dden e=tinction o a ailed bloated political system. Meteors and bombs and s!ch. ,hichever analogy ma%es yo! eel smarter. #he terrorists !c%ed !p. America got a do/over. *o! see" what passed or government in 201[ wasn+t what the )o!nding )athers had intended and everyone %new it. #hey were .!st paraly-ed" !nable to do anything to change it" beca!se the only people with the power to change anything were the people bene iting rom the very corr!ption o the original ideal. #he politicians. #he lobbyists. #he lawyers. S!ddenly the ?nited States had the chance to recti y a very big mista%e and they leapt at it. *o! see" political service was originally s!pposed to be a%in to .!ry d!ty. (t was something that citi-ens were s!pposed to do or a ew years and then ret!rn to their normal lives. (t was never intended to be the immoral cesspool o greed that e=isted in 201[. (t became worse than even the most cynical patriot in 1FF[ co!ld have ever imagined. Now the terrorists who had wanted the destr!ction o democracy and capitalism had" in act" res!rrected it. (t was allowed to be reborn" a indivisible phoeni= rising rom the tainted ashes. 3bvio!sly" the remains o the depraved system didn+t go witho!t a ight b!t the people rose !p as one and threw o!t anyone with the label o $ep!blican or 'emocrat and instead illed the newly reb!ilt halls o Congress with b!sinessmen and teachers and armers and acco!ntants and pl!mbers and even the odd poet. #he irst law they passed dealt with strict term limits and the second was election re orm that made s!re or the oreseeable !t!re that only the interests o the people were served. #he debt was ac%nowledged and dealt with. #he terrorists and the co!ntries that harbored them were ac%nowledged and dealt with. #he abominations o the ree mar%et called corporations were ac%nowledged and dealt with. And the best part5 3ther co!ntries ollowed s!it. >3 with their heads> became a rallying cry !ntil every last head that wanted to stay attached ell in line. nd still I dreamed on, further into the future than I had e*er dreamed before. nd this was cloudier cause it was years, years away. -ut I saw an old couple being *isited by their children, and all their grandchildren too. The old couple weren't screwed up. nd neither were their kids or their grandkids. nd I don't know. 7ou tell me. This whole dream, was it wishful thinking8 #as I /ust fleeing reality like I know I'm liable to do8 -ut me and 9d, we can be good too. nd it seemed real. It seemed like us and it seemed like, well, our home. If not ri%ona, then a land not too far away. #here all parents are strong and wise and capable and all children are happy and belo*ed. I don't know. Maybe it was :tah.

+recious 'ifts $ecently it occ!rred to me that sometimes it+s easy to orget abo!t all the wonder !l things we ta%e or granted. #he little things that ma%e e=istence easier or !s even when it might seem that li e is di ic!lt or we have the problems o the whole world stac%ed !p and resting !pon on sho!lders. ( o!nd mysel partic!larly g!ilty o this so ( tho!ght it was time or me to do a little e=ercise to remind mysel how many gi ts ( have and don+t appreciate. ( thin% ( got the idea rom a movie or maybe it was a homewor% assignment rom a hippie grade school teacher ( had" b!t ( tho!ght ( was overd!e or a little reality chec%. +ay ; / #he night be ore ( p!t on a blind old and ( %ept it on or 2Z ho!rs to mimic the e ects o being blind. ( went blind old despite my earlier claims that i ( were blind ( wo!ld instead wear two eye patches so (+d loo% li%e the most bad/ass pirate ever. ( ig!red i the ob.ect was to appreciate my eyesight it wo!ldn+t help i ( spent the day wal%ing aro!nd loo%ing all bad/ass. Not that ( did a lot o wal%ing. ;lindness de initely s!c%s" especially when (+m watching #: and the other people in the room re !se to describe what+s going on beca!se they thin% the idea o wearing a blind old all day is st!pid and also ( had spilled a large amo!nt o soda and snac%s d!ring the co!rse o the day ... again beca!se they re !sed to help me o!t. ;eing blind is certainly an eye/opener when it comes to who yo!r riends really are. +ay < / ( st! ed my ears !ll o cotton and then d!ct taped a pair o headphones over my ears the night be ore" which wasn+t easy d!e to the act that ( was still wearing the blind old" with the goal o wa%ing !p dea . Mission accomplishedE Let me tell yo! something" yo! ever want to get a good night+s sleep give being dea a whirl. *o! want to tal% peace !lE Especially when yo! don+t wa%e !p !ntil 10 beca!se yo! can+t hear the alarm. Now" obvio!sly" ( didn+t have time to learn sign lang!age so ( pretty m!ch %ept to mysel all day as people didn+t seem to appreciate my attempts to comm!nicate the way (+ve heard dea people tal%. ( tho!ght my impersonations were spot on b!t ( g!ess some people have thin s%in" still hard to believe someone wo!ld ta%e the time to write >yo! so!nd li%e a b!ll seal in heat> on a nap%in and hand it to me. ;ottom line tho!gh" being dea is very rela=ing. +ay = / Starting to r!n o!t o handicaps. A ter the nightmare o trying to ta%e o the d!ct tape and s!bse4!ently losing at least 20\ o the hair on my head ( settled !pon removing my sense o smell or the ollowing day. Let me tell yo! something" when yo! stic% cotton !p yo!r nose everyone else in the ho!se will wish they were dea beca!se yo! snore li%e cra-y. (+m s!re the rest o the animal %ingdom wo!ld really get their panties in a twist i they lost their sense o smell b!t let me tell yo!" we h!man really don+t need it anymore. #he only drawbac% was that my nose wo!ldn+t stop r!nning and ( %ept having to remove the nasal pl!s and give it a good blow. 3ther than that ( co!ldn+t tell yo! one time ( missed the smell o anything. (n act" i anything it was a pleasant change rom the !s!al odors that assail me every time ( wal% into my bathroom. At abo!t Noon ( decided that not having a sense o smell really isn+t a handicap at all and decided to switch to having a st!tter. 3bvio!sly the irst thing to do was ma%e a mi= C' to get me in the mood so ( 4!ic%ly downloaded and b!rned >7ou in't "een >?n?nothing 7et), >M?m?my "harona>" >My @?g?generation>" >'h?ch?changes>" >(?f?foolin> and >-?b?bad to the

-one> to get me in the mood. A little/%nown scienti ic act to pass along" and i it+s not it sho!ld be" i yo! listen to all those songs in a row yo! end !p singing >-?b?b?b?bad to the -?b?b?b?b?b?bone> whether yo! want to or not and completely embarrassing yo!rsel . St!ttering is as annoying as the loss o smell isn+t. +ay A / ( co!ldn+t really ta%e away my senses o taste or to!ch so ( decided to be retarded or the day. Not a little retarded either" ( went !ll/on retarded and let me tell yo! one thing" one horribly politically incorrect thing" it is !n as hell being retarded. 0ranted" i yo!+re act!ally retarded then yo! probably don+t en.oy it as m!ch beca!se yo!+re too retarded to en.oy it. (ronically" that sentence came o a bit retarded. ;!t anyway" this whole trying to appreciate the gi ts (+ve been given in li e thing is starting to head so!th. ,ith the e=ception o my eyes" which ( have to give a big sho!t o!t to" ( can+t really say that the other disabilities were that bad. ( ( co!ld have gotten another riend to act retarded with me (+m serio!sly thin%ing it might have been the greatest day o my li e. +ay B / ,o%e !p paraly-ed rom the waist down. Not really" b!t anyone seeing me ma%e my way downstairs to start my day wo!ld have been completely ooled. ?n ort!nately or me my riends were getting a bit tired o my tom oolery so they re !sed to be tom ooled or even play along. Apparently there is a scene in +irty Rotten "coundrels wherein Steve Martin+s character is attempting something very similar and Michael Caine+s character comes !pon him with a switch in hand and begins to test the bo!ndaries o his lac% o eeling below the waist and my so/called riends too% it !pon themselves to reenact this scene repeatedly !ntil s!ch a time as ( had to abandon the whole thing and see% ice. Let me tell yo!" both medical personnel and aith healers sho!ld !rther e=plore this c!re as it certainly got me o!t o my chair and wal%ing again" pronto. +ay C / Altho!gh ( don+t personally thin% o it as a handicap ( thin% some in o!r society wo!ld consider homose=!ality a drawbac% at the very least" so ( settled on that or my ne=t challenge to live thro!gh. M!ch li%e ( did with being retarded ( opted or !ll/on gay" the %ind yo! see at the gay pride parades that ma%e normal gay people wince. *o! %now the type" the wearing leather chaps and s4!ealing and glistening and being in m!ch better shape than ( am type. Even my gay riend told me once that he tho!ght that these parades do more harm than good to the gay comm!nity. Act!ally that+s not entirely correct as ( don+t have a gay riend. ( ( did tho!gh" ( imagine that he+d eel that way. (t+s not that ( don+t have gay riends" (+m s!re that ( do" it+s .!st that most o my male riends are married and wo!ldn+t want their wi e and %ids to ind o!t. ( .!st don+t have any gay riends ( %now abo!t. Anyway" ( went abo!t the entire day acting really gay and it+s nowhere near as !n as being retarded. 8ad ( another day ( wo!ld have tried being a retarded homose=!al" b!t as ( wanted to wrap this !p in a neat tidy wee% ( only had 1 more day. And that day was spo%en or. +ay D / And on the seventh day he believed that the Earth was only ["000 years oldE ( wo%e !p with the %nowledge that ( was created by a loving 0od and all was going to be well as long as ( ollowed a ew simple gro!nd r!les so ( was o and believing. Now obvio!sly not being able to act!ally !se science or critical/thin%ing s%ills all day was going to be a hassle" b!t any negatives ( ran into co!ld easily be o set with the awesome hats ( was going to get to wear. (+d envied them rom a ar or years so this was my big day. ( ran right to the nearest place o worship and in4!ired what ( needed to do to get the big pointy variety. #!rns o!t it+s not as easy as yo!+d thin%" yo! can+t .!st b!y them and

throw them on and go parading aro!nd showing o yo!r enormo!s new lid and" strongly implied" yo!r closeness to the big man !pstairs. (t+s this big complicated thing where yo! have to .oin certain gro!ps and move !p the ran%s and get pic%ed or certain .obs and then appointed to other positions !ntil inally yo! have to move closer to 0od and overseas to get a crac% at the really big hats. *o! can imagine my disappointment. ,hat+s the point o abandoning common sense i ( can+t wear a gigantic hat5 As yo! might imagine my wee% o trying to appreciate what ( had" t!rned o!t to be a real mi=ed bag. ( ended !p appreciating the act that ( can see a bit more" ( learned that i yo! st!tter eno!gh yo! develop a st!tter and ( had the chance to wonder whether my gay riends" i ( have any" wo!ld they ind me attractive" so the wee% wasn+t a total loss. 3 co!rse" nobody ( %now is tal%ing to me anymore" apparently this little e=periment came o as slightly insensitive to some ol%s" b!t (+m s!re they+ll start to miss my company and come crawling bac% any day now. Sel improvement is never easy. blin#si#e# ( saw this movie where Sandra ;!lloc%+s character goes o!t and abd!cts this enormo!s blac% %id and teaches him to play ootball and ends !p shipping him o to her alma mater and scoring awesome seats at all the games and s!ch" and ( immediately tho!ght to mysel >,here do ( sign !p5E> #he problem is that the movie is totally misleading when it comes to how easy it is to ind an enormo!s blac% %id .!st wal%ing aro!nd. )irst o all it+s a long drive or me .!st to get to the blac% %ids and ( swear every %id ( saw was either too old" too yo!ng or scrawny as hell. Nobody was going to be ponying !p @0 yard lines seats or any o these %ids" let me tell yo!. No wonder their parents let them roam aro!nd at all ho!rs. )inally a ter a wee% o canvassing local schools and par%s ( came !pon a good candidate. ( orgot how Sandra went abo!t introd!cing hersel to the %id in the irst place" so ( had to improvise. L!c%ily or me ( had a bottle o chlorophyll and some heavy/d!ty netting" so instead o trying to tal% him into the van li%e some weirdo" ( simply sn!c% !p behind him and held a cloth soa%ed in chlorophyll against his ace. 1roblem was that chlorophyll doesn+t ma%e people go !nconscio!s" ( was thin%ing abo!t chloroform. Loo%ing bac%" why did ( even have a bottle o chlorophyll to begin with5 (t was an e=pensive lesson in terms o getting repeatedly p!nched and %ic%ed" b!t the ne=t day ( was bac% at it" visions o @0 yard line seats dancing in my br!ised and swollen head. Long story short" ( event!ally o!nd another giant blac% %id that loo%ed o high school age and +ac4!ired+ him witho!t too m!ch !ss. )!nny thing tho!gh" the %id that Sandra grabbed was passive and had a heart o gold while the yo!th that was slowly coming to in the seat ne=t to me did not seem to share those characteristics. At all. ( thin% it wo!ld be air to say he was almost e=actly the opposite. As m!ch as ( tried to e=plain the sit!ation to him he simply re !sed to listen and as his strength slowly ret!rned ( co!ld see ( was going to have my hands !ll. #he irst ew days were .!st heartbrea%ing. Every time ( tried to ma%e a %ind gest!re" ( .!st seemed to ma%e things worse ... and ( was r!nning o!t o chloro orm. #!rns o!t he did have a bed at home" he had a good relationship with his ather and did ine in school.

8e even %new how to play ootball already. ( co!ldn+t catch a brea%E *o! %now the e=pression >No good deed goes !np!nished5> ,ell now ( !nderstand where that phrase comes rom. No sooner had ( completed the paperwor% enrolling my new charge in the nearby high school" b!t ( see his ace splashed all over the #: and newspapersE #he local a!thorities had .!mped to the completely wrong concl!sion abo!t the whole thing and now they were ma%ing me o!t as some sort o bad g!y. ( swear" yo! try to help people and this is what yo! get. Long story short" ( ended !p having to let the !nappreciative %id go. 8e was simply too large" too strong" and as m!ch as ( hate to ma%e the acc!sation" ( elt he was a bit racist or my li%ing. #r!th is tho!gh" it was mostly the large and strong parts. ( co!ld have won him over event!ally i he hadn+t almost ripped down the bars %eeping him in my basement be ore the tran4 darts too% e ect. ( g!ess the worst part was listening to him describe his +ordeal+ to the press when ( ret!rned him to his neighborhood. (t was very h!rt !l. 8e .!st didn+t get it. Some %ids .!st loo% a gi t horse right in the mo!th. 3h well. Everything is a learning e=perience right5 A ter i=ing !p the basement" and by i=ing !p ( mean rein orcing the steel bars" ( lowered my sights a bit and decided to try to get in good with the ol%s that r!n the Scripps National Spelling ;ee. (+ll be headed over to the (ndian neighborhood in .!st a bit. unbri#le# ( am literally oo-ing with !nbridled .oy. ?s!ally ( am bridled" b!t right now ( am oo-ing in a way that even paper towels co!ld not handle. ,hy yo! as%5 ;eca!se someone told me a little tip or starting a ire and it act!ally wor%ed. Now obvio!sly" ( wo!ld be relatively pleased i ( had something to help me get my ire going when ( want one b!t this in itsel co!ld not lip the bridled to !nbridled switch. ,hat (Jm so damn happy abo!t is that something act!ally did what it said it was going to do. #he world seems to wor% overtime in %eeping peopleJs .oy sa ely bridled and nothing does this more e ectively than advertising. Commercials are !ll o shit. (tJs gotten so that when ( watch #: ( .!st ass!me everything that ( see in an ad is a lie. E=cept o co!rse the pharmace!tical ads where they are orced to tell the tr!th abo!t side e ects and list them in s!ch a graphic and comprehensive ashion that ( dare not ta%e even an aspirin or a wee% a ter seeing one or ear my dic% will come o in my hands and ( will bleed !ncontrollably rom my rect!m Ci (Jm l!c%yD. So when someone tells me something that wor%s (Jm almost di--y with .oy. ( remember a ew years ago someone bo!ght me a boo% illed with tips abo!t how ho!sehold prod!cts co!ld be !sed or a variety o other help !l !ses. St! li%e how to !se deodorant to treat mos4!ito bites and hemorrhoid cream or cold sores and that type o st!pid shit. ( literally sat in ront o a mirror or an ho!r wondering what it was abo!t me

that co!ld possibly lead someone to the concl!sion that ( wo!ld want a boo% li%e that or a present and how ( co!ld prevent mysel rom ever sending o!t that vibe again. #he point being that none o it wor%ed. ( tried li%e a do-en o the st!pid things with toothpaste and Coca Cola and Cheerios and corn oil and vinegar and every time ( sat there wondering what it was abo!t me that co!ld possibly lead someone to the concl!sion that ( wo!ld want a boo% li%e that or a present. ;ottom line is none o it act!ally did what it said it wo!ld. #hen o!t o the bl!e someone mentions that i yo! ta%e the lint that yo! wo!ld otherwise throw away when yo! clean the dryer trap and p!t it in a !sed !p toilet roll it wo!ld ma%e a great little ire starter. Now i yo!Jre anything li%e me" and who isnJt" yo! get r!strated when yo! plop down good money or a ire starter and then yo! have to spend 10 min!tes trying to get it lit so yo! can p!t it in with the wood to get the ire lit. #he only .ob it has in the world is to start a ireE (t was created speci ically or the tas% and smells li%e a combination o gasoline and sawd!st" b!t there yo! sit h!ddled in ront o the ire trying to get the ire starter started. So to say ( went into this enterprise already motivated to embrace this lint/ in/toilet/paper/roll endeavor is an !nderstatement b!t at the same time ( was cynical" having end!red p!tting pean!t b!tter in my hair to try to remove the g!m that was already there only to have a giant wad o pean!t b!tter/scented g!m remaining in my hair at the end o the operation. My cynicism co!ldnJt have been more misplaced. #he lint/in/toilet/paper/roll ire starter is brilliantE (t b!rsts into lames at the slightest provocation and seems intent on setting everything within its reach alight as well. ( literally cannot contain mysel . ( have already made a do-en o them and altho!gh the temperat!re o!tside is well above ree-ing" act!ally well above @0) i yo! want to %now the tr!th" ( insist on having a roaring ire going .!st to !nbridledly en.oy the starting o it. So here ( sit in my shorts and tan% top" sweating pro !sely" as my .oy crashes aro!nd !nbridled wondering what it is abo!t me that co!ld possibly lead someone to the concl!sion that ( wo!ld want a boo% abo!t creative ways to !se ho!sehold prod!cts or a present. chatroo* la*ent )"hips that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing, &nly a signal shown and a distant *oice in the darkness4 "o on the ocean of life we pass and speak one another, &nly a look and a *oice, then darkness again and a silence.) 8enry ,adsworth Long ellow #he sea is rich in potential metaphors W and i yo! %now one thing abo!t me yo! %now ( love a good metaphor. (n this case ( will pass !p the obvio!s salty se=!al metaphors or ear o being perceived as tedio!s. ,ho can+t see a 4!ic% ;erm!da #riangle comment begging to be made5 (nstead" ( can+t help b!t thin% that the sea can provide me with ar more tho!ght provo%ing are on this rainy morning. ( reali-e that ( wo!ldn+t be honest i ( didn+t eel the need to start m!ddying the waters by s!ggesting intent and o!tcome are never clear on

the sea or on the internet. Some days we are nothing short o Master and Commander o the 8MS A!dacio!s plowing resol!tely thro!gh the world wide web and other days we sit in ront o o!r screens li%e the S%ipper trying to control the Minnow as o!r >tiny ship gets tossed.> Most days we e=perience the d!ality o having s!ccess !lly delivered the bomb to #inian only to be s!n% later and at the mercy o the shar%s. So this technology allows !s to say hello to new people and goodbye to new people at a 4!ic%er and 4!ic%er pace and we try to eel that these leeting connections add to !s rather than erode. (t+s not that ( have an iss!e with saying goodbye W it+s .!st that sometimes ( li%ed to watch the other ship sail away. ( li%e to eel that sense o melancholy that somehow validates the e ort ( have invested. Now people .!st melt instantly into the teeming digital seas witho!t a glance bac%. Lost in the crowd or the translation W yo! never really %now the di erence. +oisone# Most days being a writer is nice. *o! sit down and s4!ee-e o!t a ew words and then go on with yo!r day b!t some days there is real wor% to do. #he %ind o wor% where one m!st roll !p the ol+ sleeves and get to it with a set .aw and steely will. #his is one o those times beca!se a tho!ght came into my head and" be ore ( co!ld dismiss it or s4!ish it and move on to a less volatile s!b.ect matter" it seemed to ta%e root. #hen all these other ideas started to swarm aro!nd it li%e v!lt!res. ;e ore long ( had no control over the initial idea and wasn+t even s!re o my opinion on all the s!bse4!ent tho!ghts that seemed to piggybac% !nwanted on the original. 8ere was what ( wondered to mysel 6 >,hat i semen was to=ic5> i.e. when yo! were clima=ing into a emale yo! were act!ally going to %ill her. Lot o mi=ed eelings to sort thro!gh. Never mind the e ect it wo!ld event!ally have on h!mans as a species" the very irst reaction ( had was >AwesomeEI ( %now" wrong on S3 many levels b!t there it is. Now as writer ( have to ta%e the time and sort thro!gh this shit beca!se obvio!sly ( can+t r!n aro!nd eeling li%e %illing women with my dic% is acceptable. Altho!gh yo! co!ld ma%e the case that nobody wo!ld ever %now" ( thin% that this type o o!tloo% wo!ld somehow ma%e it right onto my ace and everyone ( %new wo!ld s!ddenly draw in their breath sharply !pon seeing me and %now that something was amiss behind my otherwise cool ga-e. ( thin% the best thing to do here is not recoil in horror b!t bravely e=plore the initial response in order to !nderstand it better. ,hy wo!ld ( want to %ill the woman !nderneath me5 ,hy wo!ld ( want to %ill a woman nice eno!gh to let me stic% my penis in her vagina5 ,hy" why" a tho!sand times why5 8ere is where being a writer is di ic!lt. ( ( lac%ed the type o gritty integrity possessed by the writing type ( wo!ld immediately .!mp on the anti/Manion bandwagon and be awash in the gratit!de o every reader !n ort!nate eno!gh to have read my original ew paragraphs. ( wo!ld once again hoist the trembling ist in my own direction and drench mysel in derision. ;!t noE Not the writing type. ,e m!st orge ahead into !npop!lar waters even when the word H orgeI doesn+t e=actly wor% when ( !se !npop!lar waters

instead o !npop!lar territory. ( thin% HsailI wo!ld have wor%ed better" b!t either way there is some orging to be done so here goes. #he dic% is nothing b!t a sna%e Cas% Adam and EveD and sna%es are venomo!s so how cool wo!ld it be not only to have the orgasm" signi ying yo!r own tri!mph as ar as passing on 'NA goes Cin addition to the individ!al con4!est o whatever emale is on the receiving end o this actD" b!t act!ally %now what it eels li%e when a sna%e stri%es and in.ects its poison into some hapless !rry animal5 13,E My dic% .!st %illed yo!E ;ehold" my mighty instr!mentE AwesomeE Shit" ( said it again. (t+s going to ta%e some mighty good writing to get o!t o this one. #he concept only wor%s i CaD the poison is ast/acting" and CbD the emale doesn+t %now yo!+re pac%ing a poison pill. (t also helps to imagine a world where yo! can .!st get !p and leave the corpse there and yo! are not charged with the disposal o said emale. ( thin% that wo!ld ta%e a little o the l!ster o the entire vent!re. Sna%es have the l!=!ry o .!st swallowing their victims and moving on. So we can all agree that this type o thing wo!ld be bad and entirely !nacceptable. ;esides removing any hope o a s!bse4!ent generation o people d!e to the !ntimely death o every willing emale participant" it wo!ld also be a great loss beca!se women are not always entirely !npleasant to be aro!nd in non/coital sit!ations. Cleary" there are many o them that men wo!ld li%e to have repeat se= with as well. #he one/and/done plan as o!tlined by the poison/penis antasy clearly wo!ldn+t be good or anyone in the long r!n. 8mmm. (+m re/reading that last bit and (+m .!st not convinced. Maybe i instead o deadly sploodge ( e.ac!lated an enormo!s spi%e that shot thro!gh the bac% o her s%!ll5 Less cr!el b!t a lot more mess to clean !p. 8onestly ( don+t see the big deal" there are n!mero!s e=amples in the animal %ingdom where the emale %ills and2or eats the male a ter cop!lation. S!ddenly" (+m a bad g!y or having a tiny little daydream abo!t the goose giving the high hard one to the gander5 (+m not even a good eno!gh writer to tal% mysel into the position ( wanted yo! to ta%e a ter all the writing was said and done. So perhaps not passing on these genes is best or everyone a ter all. E=cept" o co!rse" or the poor girl who ( .!st %illed with my meatstic%. accenti#ents $ill ha++en ( came !p with a new word. Accentident. (t means a mishap or detrimental event ca!sed by a miscomm!nication res!lting rom one o the people in a conversation having a thic% accent Calso add accentidentallyD. ( g!ess (+m .!st sic% o oreigners. ( %now W that ma%es me a bad g!y b!t ( am. Sic% o trying to !nderstand oreign tong!es" sic% o being embarrassed beca!se ( don+t %now the di erence between a Kapanese g!y and a Chinese g!y by loo%ing at them. 'on+t even get me started on trying to tell the di erence between someone rom the Middle East and a

1a%istani. ( always eel li%e (+m one wrong word away rom getting beheaded at the mall. )oreigners are or when ( am visiting another co!ntryE ( li%e oreigners when ( am wal%ing aro!nd with a camera" my wallet !ll o their silly loo%ing c!rrency and snapping pict!res o their r!ins and bare oot children. #al% whatever way yo! want as yo! as% me or change or i ( want my hair braided W that+s why ( came. K!st not in my co!ntry. Call it oreigner atig!e. 8ow can ( en.oy other c!lt!res and other lang!ages i ( never get a brea% rom them5 ( don+t want oreign things in my bac% yardE ( want to be s!rro!nded by people who loo% li%e me" who tal% li%e me and who act li%e me. #here. ( said it. (s that so wrong55 ( eel li%e (+m trapped at the (t+s A Small ,orld e=hibit at 'isneyE (+m sic% o Me=ican comedians yelling and gloating abo!t how they are ta%ing over the co!ntry. Congrat!lations W in 20 years the ?.S. will be .!st as big a shithole as Me=ico. *ippee. Nice wor%" Secor. (+m sic% o +Native+ Americans still being here. ( %now they were here irst b!t when we arrived all riendly they tried to scalp !s and tie !s down to anthills with honey on o!r eyelids so we had to de end o!rselves and %ic% their ass. #hen they didn+t even have the good taste to vacant the continent li%e the loser o a war sho!ld. Common decency says the losers slin% o into oblivion. Nope. (nstead they sit aro!nd being alcoholics" r!nning casinos and crying abo!t how we throw o!r trash on the side o the road. ( g!ess ( really sho!ld learn to tell the di erence between a Kapanese man and a Chinese man a ter all. 3ne is polite and allows !s to ilm a nice movie li%e Lost in Translation in their co!ntry and the other ships over an in latable pool 10+ = @+ witho!t a warning on the bo= that it does not incl!de a p!mp and the p!rchaser o said pool will be re4!ired to spend their entire Memorial 'ay blowing !p the !c%ing thing. (t+s .!st a matter o time !ntil we+re at war with one o these g!ys Cand here+s a hint W it+s not the one with the annoying game showsD. And is it too m!ch to as% to b!y a damn Sl!rpee and a m! in witho!t getting a orced lesson in Arabic5 8onestly. (+m not a mean person b!t ( .!st want to stop in a grab a snac%E ( remember a time when ( co!ld do that. )ig!re o!t how to !se the !c%ing register be ore ( get there o%5 And why the !c% do the people who want to b!y lottery tic%ets come be ore those trying to pay or their items5E ( can+t even remember a time where ( ordered ood thro!gh a drive/thro!gh spea%er and the voice on the other end didn+t so!nd li%e someone rom the bar scene in Star ,ars. 8ow many more accentidents will it ta%e or everyone to decide to go bac% to wherever it is they came rom and learn to be happy there5 Loo% at the )rench. ( they can stand to live s!rro!nded by other )renchmen then anybody can ma%e a go o it in their own co!ntryE $eally. ( yo! do" ( promise to visit Wbarring an accentident at the airport. the 'reatest stor e&er tol#. not.

As nice as it is to be able to go online and b!y boo%s with a ew clic%s o a mo!se nothing beats spending time at a boo% store. K!st the smell o the place. ,al%ing !p and down the aisles" st!mbling !pon a tome yo! are !n amiliar with and whis%ing it !p to the co!nter or p!rchase. E=hilaratingE ( yo!+re anything li%e me tho!gh there is one section yo! want to stay o!t o . A section that will r!in yo!r night. A section that have yo! balling yo!r ists and sha%ing them towards heaven as yo! cry o!t >,hy5 ,hy5 ,hy5E> #he a!tobiographies. ( do!bt there is anywhere on the planet that can have yo! loathing yo!r ellow man aster than this blac% hole o literat!re. Even i yo!+re able to ignore the opport!nist boo%s" 3bama+s a!nt who eels the need to tell !s abo!t li e in 9enya C>;!sy day today. Sat in m!d h!t. Ate gr!b>D or Emilio Esteve- believing or a ew moments that beca!se his brother is interesting that somehow that ma%es him interesting" there is a resh new hell on every shel . #he balls on some o these people to thin% that their li e story is more interesting than anyone else yo! might ind wal%ing down the street. (s it arrogance or .!st sel /del!sion5 (sn+t it !nny how yo! end !p i=ating on something and it ends !p representing everything yo! hate abo!t a m!ch broader s!b.ect5 As my eyes travelled !p and down the shelves" drin%ing in the litany o morons who elt the need to b!rden the poor cons!mer with the trials and trib!lations o their vapid e=istence" they inally came to rest on perhaps the greatest waste o paper ever to thr!st itsel !nwanted into my conscio!sness. The @uttenberg -ible. Not The @utenberg -ible. The @uttenberg -ible. #he a!tobiography o Steve 0!ttenberg. ( will give yo! a moment to ig!re o!t who the hell Steve 0!ttenberg is. (t sho!ld be in there somewhere" mi=ed in with all the other <0s and X0s actors that yo!+ve long ago orgotten abo!t. (+ll give yo! a hint. !olice cademy. No5 ,hat abo!t !olice cademy <E Their (irst ssignment5 Nothing5 !olice cademy =E -ack in Training5 S!rely !olice cademy AE 'iti%ens on !atrol will .og yo!r memory. #he lovable Carey Mahoney" the tro!blema%ing scalawag with a heart o gold5 !olice cademy BE ssignment Miami -each5 !olice cademy CE 'ity :nder "iege55 Come on. #hin%E Steve 0!ttenberg ... !olice cademy DE Mission to Moscow5 3%" clearly those ilms aren+t helping. ,hat abo!t Three Men and a -aby with h!n%y co/ stars #om Sellec% and #ed 'anson5 0etting warmer5 ,hat abo!t Three Men and a -aby <E Their (irst ssignment5 Nothing5 Three Men and a -aby =E -ack in Training5 S!rely Three Men and a -aby AE 'iti%ens on !atrol will .og yo!r memory.

#he lovable Michael 9ellam" the tro!blema%ing scalawag with a heart o gold5 Three Men and a -aby BE ssignment Miami -each5 Three Men and a -aby CE 'ity :nder "iege55 Come on now. #hin%E Steve 0!ttenberg ... Three Men and a -aby DE Mission to Moscow5 ( thin% (+ve made my point. )or anyone !nclear as to what that might be" it is this6 who the !c% is Steve 0!ttenberg to write an a!tobiography5E #he d!st .ac%et 4!otes weren+t even rom boo% critics" they were rom his 8ollywood pals. ,ho gives a crap abo!t this g!yJs li e5 *o! co!ld tell the same ten boo%s had been there since they arrived in 2010" waiting on the shel !ntil their inevitable .o!rney over to the disco!nt table and then" inally" to the d!mpster. #he boo% is an o!trageE A blight on the literary landscape. 1retty good title tho!gh. +on farr for the course (+m not e=actly s!re what got me thin%ing abo!t the Amish and their coming/o /age rit!al called rumspringa, b!t once it started rattling aro!nd inside my head ( co!ldn+t thin% o m!ch else. ,ell" !ntil ( started to thin% abo!t the :!lcan psychological condition pon farr. )or those o yo! who are !n amiliar with one or both o these" ( will elaborate ... altho!gh i yo! don+t %now who Spoc% rom "tar Trek is (+m not s!re ( can help yo!. (+m not saying that yo! need to be a an o the show b!t i yo!+re !n amiliar with Spoc% yo!+re probably not rom aro!nd here or" even worse" Amish. Anyway. $!mspringa re ers to the window o opport!nity or an adolescent to brea% the r!les a bit to see i he or she is really c!t o!t or the Amish way o li e. (t is not !ncommon to see s!ch cra-y behavior as driving a!tomobiles" !sing telephones" wearing brightly colored clothes and doing dr!gs with an !nderage blac% prostit!te be ore engaging in oral and anal se=. A ter a certain period o time they then decide whether to go bac% into the comm!nity and accept baptism within the Amish ch!rch or head or the !c%ing hills. 1on arr on the other hand occ!rs every seven years and ca!ses :!lcans" both male and emale" to go into a it o !ncontrollable rage !ntil s!ch a time as they can procreate. #hey are prone to violence and will act!ally die !nless they can get some. ,e all %now that eeling" am ( right5 ( g!ess we %now now why there arenJt any Amish :!lcans. *o! get a r!mspringa r!nning smac% dab into a pon arr and it is on. Everyone on board the starship will be sprinting away rom the r!ddy/chee%ed bearded g!y with pointy ears and s!spendersE ( g!ess ( can+t imagine any space/going vessel having !se or a crewmember who can+t !se a comp!ter" won+t ight a 9lingon Cgh!y+ lo+la8be+ghach amish .aghla+D" and absol!tely re !ses to beam anyone !p in the irst place. ( yo!+re thin%ing that (+m .!st going to spend the rest o this story ma%ing !n o the Amish" then yo!r instincts are dead on mister. #he 4!estion is where to begin. ,hat can yo! say abo!t a c!lt!re that re !ses to ed!cate itsel past the <th grade level5 9eep +em

d!mb and they+ll stay on the arm" is that the idea5 1erhaps a more interesting way to pass the time Cinstead o .!st ma%ing !n o those barn/ raising simpletonsD" wo!ld be to note that 0ene $oddenberry" creator o the "tar Trek series" was a highly ed!cated man who completely embraced technology and envisioned a !t!re where scienti ic advances li ted h!manity !p and improved the 4!ality o li e or everyone. 3n the other hand Ka%ob Ammann" the Swiss Mennonite leader who led his ollowers away rom traditional Anabaptist teachings Cwhich he elt weren+t heavy eno!gh on the ch!rch discipline and sh!nning aspects o aithD and o!t into the 1ennsylvanian co!ntryside" was as d!mb as a bric% and ta!ght that technology was something to be sh!nned. See5 $ight away he got some sh!nning in. 8e wasn+t o!t in the resh air more than ive min!tes be ore he was o and sh!nning. #he 4!estion that irst springs to mind is this6 which one o them wo!ld win in a ight5 ,ait. Not where ( was going with this at all. 3%" maybe it+s the second 4!estion that springs to mind. ( thin% yo! might need to lay o the ?)C and martial arts movies a bit. $eally5 *o!r irst 4!estion wo!ld be who wo!ld win in a ight5 And then yo! wonder why ( don+t try harder writing these stories. Anyway" a 4!estion that immediately springs to mind is this6 is there a connection between the Amish and :!lcans5 ;oth re.ect pride" both place a high val!e on calmness and placidity and both are rel!ctant to bring attention to themselves. #hey both pri-e order above all else. Let+s ace it" Spoc% is one beard short o being a b!ggy/driving" hat/wearing Amish g!y. ,as this intentional on the part o $oddenberry5 ,hile it is widely %nown in nerd circles that the character o Spoc% was based on ormer Los Angeles police Chie ,illiam 8. 1ar%er and his calm demeanor C$oddenberry was a LA cop or awhile and wor%ed !nder 1ar%erD" there might also be something else to this :!lcan/Amish thing. Altho!gh 1ar%er did in act desegregate the LA1' d!ring the civil rights movement he was also blamed by many or the ,atts $iots beca!se o the departmentJs alleged br!tality towards the blac% comm!nity. 8ere+s the weird thing. #he Amish rom way bac% have had 4!ote" >Little time or either Negroes" lawyers or r!m.> ( reali-e typing the word 4!ote ollowed by the apostrophes is red!ndant b!t ( wanted to ma%e it per ectly clear that those were their words not mine in case my alcoholic blac% attorney ever reads this. 'o yo! see what (+m trying to get at5 Me neither. Am ( trying to say that Spoc% secretly hated Lt. ?h!ra5 Most people agree that she disli%ed him in the original series. $acial tension perhaps5 'idn+t he pict!re her brie ly in a bonnet and apron in one episode d!ring his pon arr5 ,hooooah. #his has really gotten away rom me. ( hope they answer some o these Ccross5D b!rning iss!es in the ne=t Star #re% movie. a +orcelain +u55ler Sometimes yo! .!st have to sit down and thin% things thro!gh. *o! can+t .!st ta%e the easy way o!t and settle or yo!r irst ass!mption. #a%e" or e=ample" the iss!e o

over lowing toilets at parties. Most people .!st aren+t willing to p!t in a little e=tra wor% to ig!re o!t why there are a disproportional amo!nt o toilets that get bac%ed !p at parties relative to typical day/to/day !se. So ( sat down on my thin%ing chair" ironically eno!gh made o porcelain" and got to thin%ing. Some people .!st .!mp to the concl!sion that someone does it on p!rpose. Someone clogs the toilet and then leaves. Nope. #hat can+t be it. #hat is ar too ris%y behavior. ( yo! were ever ca!ght yo!+d be orever %nown as a +clogger+ and yo!r social li e wo!ld dry !p ast. #here ore we can eliminate that as a possible ca!se. #he ne=t answer that .!mps o!t is p!re math. #he toilet is l!shed more so there wo!ld be a higher percentage chance o a clog occ!rring. Even ass!ming that a clog >.!st happens> and is not a res!lt o a partic!lar l!sher+s behavior" which is a a!lty ass!mption as any pl!mber wo!ld testi y" it comes down to cr!nching n!mbers and the n!mbers tell !s that we sho!ld not see anywhere near the n!mber o over low incidents that we do. Not even close. So that eliminates another s!spect. Now we+re getting down to it. #his ne=t one has real possibility. ( call it the +spar%ling an!s syndrome.+ SAS says that people at a party" partic!larly single" se=!ally/active people" are very conscio!s o their bodies and i they are orced to ta%e a d!mp at a party they will over/clean that area to compensate. ( they co!ld" they wo!ld .!mp in the shower and hose down the o ending area .!st in case they get l!c%y at the party. Nobody wants to head into a se=!al enco!nter %nowing they have swamp ass. ( wo!ld s!spect that the better loo%ing the crowd the more incidences o SAS wo!ld occ!r. Same with the male2 emale split" the closer it is to @02@0 the more SAS will come into play. ( it+s a sa!sage est what g!y wo!ld bother5 8ere is where many people will ma%e a atal mista%e. #hat scenario so!nds good so they will leave it at that and simply blame SAS. #hey are orgetting something" tho!gh. #he same people who wo!ld be so conscio!s o their ass smell wo!ld also be very !ncom ortable r!nning the ris% o being a +clogger+. #here m!st be other orces at wor% here ... so the thin%ing contin!es. #his is where the porcelain thin%ing chairs pays o . (t p!ts me in the -one. (+m in the head o the b!--ed partygoer with swamp ass and it occ!rs to me the missing piece o the SAS p!--le. (t comes down to their home pl!mbing. ( yo!r home commode has poor p!ll then yo! are going to be very conscio!s o an !n%nown toilet and its l!shing capacity. ( " on the other hand" yo! have one o these bad/ass toilets that has s!ction !s!ally only seen on the Space Station and co!ld p!ll a live s4!irrel into the sewer witho!t brea%ing a sweat then yo! are not as sensitive to the act that some toilets might not be able to handle a SAS load o paper. ;rilliantE Show me a good loo%ing person with an awesome home crapper and (+ll show yo! the

+clogger+ at any party. ( bet the soles o their shoes wo!ld still be damp when ( b!sted them. (+m telling yo!" a porcelain thin%ing chair is worth every cent. 'ettin' rattle# Some rattlesna%es don+t have rattles. ( %now right. Cra-y. ( probably sho!ld have made s!re yo! were sitting down be ore spr!ng that on yo!. 8ere+s the thing. (t+s tr!e that all rattlesna%es are born with rattles. ( hope yo!+re either sitting down now or never bothered to get bac% !p rom the shoc% o the irst sentence beca!se there is a %ind o rattlesna%e where the rattle act!ally alls o beca!se they don+t want it anymore. ( swear. #he reason5 ;eca!se the damn rattlesna%e h!nts in the trees instead o on the gro!nd and the rattle accidentally rattles all the time and scares o the prey. ( %now what yo!+re thin%ing. Sna%es that h!nt in the trees are bright green" the length and thic%ness o a .!mp rope and have an evil demented smile on their ace all the time. #hey eat rogs and s!ch and every rog dies with the same last tho!ght going thro!gh their amphibio!s head" >A sna%e !p here5 $eally5E> $attlesna%es on the other hand are short and thic% and sit camo! laged !nder a roc% or sitting in leaves !ntil a mo!se or rabbit wal%s by and they spring into action with a 4!ic% bite. #hey are not b!ilt or li e in the canopy. #hese rattle/less sna%es beg to di er. Maybe there was a shortage o mice and rabbits or perhaps they got bored with the ease at which meals were ac4!ired" b!t whatever the reason they loo%ed !p at a tree and said to themselves" >that+s the li e or me.> *o! can be s!re that nat!re did nothing to enco!rage them. All the other rattlesna%es probably sco ed and all the green tree sna%es resented the intr!sion" b!t at some point in time the irst slow" at" cl!msy rattlesna%e stopped ighting their arboreal tendencies and !p they went. Not only that" b!t a ter eno!gh times o having their rattle go o at the wrong moment they decided eno!gh was eno!gh and c!t it loose. #he rattle alls o beca!se !nli%e other rattlesna%es who have the irst segment o their rattle attached to the end o their tail" this partic!lar rattlesna%e has a degenerative irst b!tton that alls o with each shed. ( thin% it goes witho!t saying that the other rattlesna%es consider more than the tail o this rattlelesssna%e +degenerative.+ Now the obvio!s 4!estion is whether to admire this behavior or root or their inevitable e=tinction. #he easy choice is to en.oy their event!al evol!tionary ail!re" b!t ( thin% most people see too m!ch o themselves in these sans/rattle rattlesna%es to ta%e any pleas!re in the act that hal o these d!mb reptiles probably all to their death in the irst co!ple years o li e o the terra irma. 3 co!rse there are some o yo! that probably thin% the coolest part o being a rattlesna%e is the rattle and the idea that a sna%e wo!ld abandon this birthright to chase some cra-y tree/dwelling dream is o ensive. ( can !nderstand this gro!p o ol%s !lly getting on the

>get yo!r p!dgy ass bac% on the gro!nd> bandwagon. ( g!ess here is where ( typically leap to the de ense o the sna%e that aspires to live a di erent li e than that e=pected o him and to rage against the +sna%es+ that want to hold him down. (+ll be honest tho!gh" in this partic!lar case ( sit with both an angel and a devil on one sho!lder and Andy 9a! man perched on the other. 'o ( really want a tree !ll o rattlelesssna%es stal%ing birds and alling on innocent passer/byers5 #r!ly" the #ony Cli ton o sna%es. ( can eel the cool hand o reason slipping !p my s%irt on this iss!e and no amo!nt o p!rposely !sing three S+s in rattle/less sna%e ma%es me eel anything less than a ra!d. ( ( tr!ly aspire to be a degenerate" why can+t ( lose this rattled eeling5 icin' fro* * ca(e Sometimes we are a victim o circ!mstance and sometimes it+s o!r own damn a!lt. Sometimes it+s both and that+s when yo! %now yo!+re really in or it. ,ith a less embarrassing story ( g!ess ( co!ld b!ild it !p with all sorts o re erences to !nseen orces moving in the bac%gro!nd" ate p!lling strings behind some cosmic c!rtain or my own sel /destr!ctive tendencies mani esting themselves at a partic!larly inappropriate time" b!t in this case ( thin% it+s best to plow along and try to tell this story with as little embellishment as possible. ( write a lot" so it ollows that ( spend a disproportionate amo!nt o time in ront o my comp!ter. (t also ollows that ( cons!me a disproportionate amo!nt o porn. Most o the time it is spr!ng !pon me as ( try to 0oogle something completely !nrelated and ( ind mysel de enseless to its many charms. #hat being said ( !se a disproportionate amo!nt o tiss!e paper at my comp!ter. (n my de ense" sometimes ( ind the act o mast!rbation completely abhorrent and engage in it 4!ic%ly and with the same enth!siasm ( have or olding my clothes when they come o!t o the dryer. (t is simply something ( have to do so ( can get bac% to wor%. 1erhaps it is beca!se o this comp!lsory and loveless relationship ( have with the act itsel that ( am so callo!s abo!t the need to dispose o the evidence o these transgressions. Sometimes my waste bas%et is over lowing with these little ormerly/smo%ing g!ns. #oday ( o!nd mysel at e=actly that crossroads. ( went to throw o!t a a= ( had received when ( reali-ed there was no more room at the inn. 3r in the inn. ,hatever. ?s!ally ( wo!ld .!st .am my hand in and p!sh everything down b!t given the contents ( was not inclined to ollow this co!rse o action lest my hand ret!rn to me stic%y and in need o immediate decontamination. Loo%ing o!t the ront window ( saw that altho!gh my garbage can was at the c!rb ( was in l!c% and the garbage men had not yet arrived or pic%/!p. #he !se o the word l!c% in that last sentence will later be !p or !rther disc!ssion. 1erhaps it was beca!se ( tho!ghtlessly re erred to them as garbage men as opposed to sanitation engineers that ( bro!ght this !pon mysel . ,hatever the case" the story moves pretty 4!ic%ly rom here. ( r!n o!tside with my trash can t!c%ed !nder my arm and reali-e that altho!gh it is a bit bree-y o!t the temperat!re is !nseasonably warm and the neighborhood is cho%ed with small children la!ghing and rolic%ing. ( thin% to mysel " ( really do need to get o!t more

and en.oy the nice weather and ( am tr!ly eeling that all is right with the world when ( open the lid o my garbage and deposit my trash into it. Almost on c!e ( hear the r!mbling o the garbage tr!c% ma%ing its ro!nds. ( slowly bac%pedal !p my driveway b!t ( ma%e s!re to give a nice wave to the garbage engineers so they %now that ( in no way consider mysel s!perior to them. ( stand and watch ascinated as the tr!c% stops and then a giant metal arm reaches o!t and grabs my garbage can li%e some sort o etid #rans ormer. (t hoists it 4!ic%ly s%yward" lips it over and deposits it directly over the top o the tr!c% so the re !se can topple o!t. 8ere+s the problem. As yo! might have g!essed rom my earlier remar%s" ( tend to be the type o person who" instead o ta%ing o!t the trash when he sho!ld or the garbage can down to the c!rb on sched!le" will step on it and p!sh it down...whenever said garbage isn+t soa%ed my own 'NA samples o co!rse. My garbage can was indeed !pside down b!t ( noted that all o the garbage did not come h!rtling 4!ic%ly down into the garbage tr!c%. Apparently ( had pac%ed it a little tight and it was ta%ing awhile or the orces o gravity to wor% their magic. (nstead only my recent contrib!tions were coming o!t and given the sti winds these contrib!tions were not in act headed so m!ch north/so!th as east/west. #o help yo! !rther pict!re what met my eyes ( will .!st come o!t and say it ... all my soiled tiss!es were blowing all over the street. #hey loo%ed li%e a swarm o white b!tter lies ta%ing light rom the top o the garbage tr!c%. Enter the help !l children. (t too% me a !ll B or Z second be ore what ( was witnessing translated into action b!t once ( !nderstood the implications o a do-en neighborhood children scrambling to help me retrieve my +b!tter lies+ and p!t them bac% into the garbage can ( became a whirling dervish o activity. >NoooooooEEE> ( yelled as ( charged o!t into the street to start to recover my c!m/soa%ed tiss!es. >No need to pic% them !p" ( got themE> ( bellowed as the streets seem to teem with impressionable children eager to help. >No Sally" that+s not rostingE K!st p!t it downE> Standing in the eye o the semen snowstorm it occ!rred to me that ( really need to c!t down on the porn. 0ood lord. #ypically ( handle these tiss!es with the same care that a g!y in a ha-mat s!it handles radioactive waste b!t instead ( was grabbing them with the ervor that %ids grab candy alling rom a compromised picata. ?n ort!nately" so were the %ids. ( had to stand there as they each approached me and handed over what they had collected. ( reminded each o them the val!e o washing their hands. (n my head ( co!ld already hear the wailing sirens o the police that wo!ld no do!bt be coming to collect me. Even i they don+t show !p" every boy o!t there will remember what happened and (+ll need to move at least three states away be ore they hit p!berty and p!t the pieces together. May god have mercy on my so!l ... Sally said it was the worst rosting she ever tasted.

Fa&orite Faceboo( Status u+#ates.

( ( ever came into a large s!m o money the only e=travagant thing ( wo!ld do is b!ild a h!ge bathroom with a do-en toilets scattered aro!nd it. ,henever my dog goes o!tside to ta%e a d!mp ( always watch in envy as he slowly wal%s aro!nd and event!ally inds the per ect spot to go.

8ippopotomonstroses4!ippedaliophobia is the ear o long words. ,hat sic% bastard came !p with that5 (magine having to give that patient their diagnosis. >*o!+d better sit down or this.> (t+s not !n!s!al or o!r planet to hit a low temperat!re o 0 or a high o 120 degrees )ahrenheit b!t when my ho!se goes below [< my heater t!rns on and i it gets above F2 the air conditioning leaps into action. ( have a com ort -one o Z degrees. Z. 3bvio!sly this s%in thing isn+t wor%ing o!t at all. ,henever yo! see an old movie that has a yo!ng girl in it that later grew !p to be a hottie" there is always a little con !sion going on in yo!r pants. ( ( were a movie star (+m pretty s!re (+d watch my own movies over and over. #hat+s an embarrassing thing to %now abo!t yo!rsel . /6"7 social +roof (t started on K!ne [th when ;illy >$!bber '!c%> ;art!c- met >;ig> ;en S!llivan at the )lag #own Campgro!nds in ?pstate New *or%. As ate wo!ld have it they both planned to hitchhi%e across the co!ntry and a ter they started tal%ing abo!t it in more detail they agreed to meet the ne=t night at another campsite a ew ho!rs+ drive Cor ride" to be preciseD down the road. Ass!ming they wo!ld both ma%e it. #hey did and a ter spending another en.oyable evening in each other+s company they decided to meet !p again the ollowing evening in 3hio. (t was there that they ran into 1ete McCall" another hitchhi%er" and as%ed him to .oin their gro!p. 8e not only li%ed the idea" b!t invited a pair o hitchhi%ers a ew tents over. Kimmy 'avis and his girl riend" C," an overweight b!t amiable gal" were only too happy to sign on so that morning ive hitchers thr!st o!t their th!mbs with the intention o hoo%ing !p at another predetermined spot later that day. ;y the time they got to #!lsa there were <@ o them. ,ith cell phones and laptops" the word had been spread and soon they had to an o!t so as not to overload the roads with hitchhi%ers. Every morning they wo!ld leave their encampment li%e bees swarming o!t trying to get the ne=t ride. 3 co!rse hitchhi%ing is illegal in most states so event!ally the gro!p started to come !nder some scr!tiny b!t they moved thro!gh road bloc%s li%e water thro!gh a sieve. Armored cars and .eeps co!ld do nothing to stop them. Campgro!nd were another thing tho!gh and soon the n!mber o ree/ride/solicitors was too great and they were t!rned away rom every place they tried" so it was decided that they wo!ld meet !p in large ields and ma%e do where they co!ld. Somewhere in New Me=ico" it was agreed that everyone who insisted on playing aco!stic g!itars and harmonicas at the camp ires late into the evening every night wo!ld be given the wrong location to meet at the ollowing day. #he ollowing evening things were signi icantly 4!ieter and people were in a noticeably better mood. No law en orcement agencies wo!ld dare move against s!ch a large gro!p b!t instead they waited on the o!ts%irts and pic%ed o the stragglers. Even so they co!ld do nothing to slow down the movement across the $oc%ies" their n!mbers growing with every

passing day. As they approached Cali ornia there were over a tho!sand o them. A sea o th!mbs and cardboard signs" cho%ing every highway" reeway" e=pressway" par%way" thro!ghway and interstate. A herd !nli%e anything seen in nat!re" a sea o h!manity lowing over pea%s and down thro!gh valleys" completely dependent on the %indness o strangers to move them along. ,ith n!mbers this great" every possible story that co!ld be told was played o!t. #errible acts o cr!elty and inspiring acts o altr!ism. #he very best o man%ind and the absol!te worse. (t was all there. 3n the a ternoon o K!ne 21st they arrived in 1ismo ;each" Cali ornia .!st as the s!n was setting. $!bber '!c% and ;ig ;en loo%ed o!t at the throngs and gave them all a smile and a riendly wave. >0as" grass or ass ... nobody rides or reeE> $!bber '!c% e=alted and the crowd roared its approval. #he two road/weary riends then t!rned and wal%ed to the edge o the cli that sat perched high above the calm bl!e ocean. ,ith a inal glance bac% at the crowd and a reass!ring nod to each other" they .!mped. )or a moment there was silence as the gathering dran% in the scene b!t then as one they ran to the edge and la!nched themselves o . (t was spectac!lar. 3 co!rse with that many bodies h!rling themselves into the water there were a ew b!mps and br!ises b!t the water was cool and re reshing and most o these hitchhi%ers badly needed a bath so it was all good. ,hat5 *o! didn+t thin% lemmings co!ld swim5 Everyone swam and la!ghed and each than%ed the tho!sands o drivers who had made the moment possible in their own way and while not many o the swimmers lived happily ever most o them had wonder !l night. the oran'e 'lass cu+ ,ith the advent o e;oo%s it is estimated that by 201@ over F0\ o all ad!lts over the age o 1< will be p!blished a!thors. Now some o yo! wo!ld leap to the concl!sion that a sel /p!blished writer li%e mysel wo!ld be against this proli eration o literat!re b!t yo! co!ldn+t be more wrong. ( wo!ld m!ch rather see 1"000 a!thors sell 1"000 boo%s each than see 1 sell 1"000"000. Selling a million o anything tends to create the print e4!ivalent o a phenomena li%e K!stin ;ieber. (t is in this spirit that ( o er the ollowing advice to the millions o yo! who haven+t p!blished a boo% yet b!t are thin%ing abo!t it6 Sometimes an orange c!p is .!st an orange c!p. i.e. don+t overwrite. ( %now that when we come !pon this c!p in yo!r story that it co!ld well be made o plastic or ceramic or paper or any n!mber o metals b!t the point is" it+s a c!p. 3 co!rse" technically it co!ld also be made o glass b!t then wo!ldn+t yo! have called it a glass5 ( don+t want to disco!rage yo!" b!t i yo! called a c!p made o glass a c!p then perhaps yo! sho!ld thin% abo!t .oining the B0\ o people not writing a boo%. ( am also aware as ( read yo!r story that the c!p might be large or small and it might even have writing on it

b!t the important thing is to %eep things moving along and ( really don+t need a thirty word description o the c!p. ?nless o co!rse one o the main characters has said something along the lines o >( we can .!st ind that orange c!p we+ll %now who %illed the 1ro essor.> (n this case ( thin% it wo!ld be per ectly !nderstandable to give !s a 4!ic% r!ndown o the a orementioned vessel in the !nli%ely chance that later in the story that same character happens to st!mble into a room illed with a wide variety o orange c!ps. Now ( reali-e that some o yo! are reading this and no do!bt as%ing yo!rsel why anyone wo!ld be dispensing advice abo!t %eeping things short and then go on to beat the living shit o!t o the topic o an orange c!p. (t+s .!st that %ind o attit!de that is going to get yo! nowhere aster Mister Cor Miss!sD. #here is a point behind everything ( write and ( wo!ld li%e nothing better than to give yo! that point b!t or the time being ( orget what it was. (t will come bac% to me soon ( ass!re yo!" so in the meantime (+ll .!st %eep writing. ( am a pro essional writer" mind yo!. ( have sold literally do-ens o boo%" albeit mostly to amily and riends Cand by sold, ( mean gave awayD" so yo!+d do well to ta%e everything ( say and t!c% it away in the +good advice+ portion o yo!r brain. 'on+t overwrite. Especially abo!t orange c!ps. #he thing abo!t orange c!ps is that they are .!st the %ind o thing a reader li%es to come to their own concl!sions abo!t. (t+s abo!t tr!sting yo!r a!dience. ( a reader isn+t allowed to pict!re an orange c!p in their head witho!t yo! spending two paragraphs telling them every detail then they will reach the concl!sion that yo! thin% they are !nimaginative. Can yo! blame them5 'o yo! really believe that yo!r orange c!p is so s!perior to the lame orange c!p that they will be imaging that yo! can+t throw them a bone5 ( (+m a reader" or e=ample" and the m!rder/mystery is barreling along and s!ddenly the detective in 4!estion crashes into a solemn room where cigarette smo%e hangs in the air and a t!rntable is so tly playing some big band avorite rom yesteryear" and he sees the s!spect holding an orange c!p and wearing a tight cloth cap do ( really want to eel as i the a!thor has s!ch a low opinion o me that he will thin% to himsel he+d better give me the details o the c!p lest ( am imagining it as some r!it/clad chalice adorned with pin% !mbrellas" rhinestone handles and a large 1le=iglass bottom with a live gold ish swimming aro!nd it5 ?nless the boo% (+m reading is called The ma%ing &range 'up yo!+d be right in ass!ming no. ( mean to say" hal the !n o that scene is letting the reader ill in how la-y the smo%e is" moving thro!gh the room" what old song is playing and what color the tight cloth cap is. As a writer yo!+ll never be able to create the mood better than the person holding the boo%2reader in their hands. So !nless the orange c!p has a secret b!tton that la!nches poison darts o!t o the side o it" then it+s .!st a !c%ing orange c!pE Still with me o+ potential boo% writer5 0ood. ,e pro essional a!thors need to stic% together....!st don+t thin% o o ering me any advice. (+d probably tell yo! to go throw yo!rsel down a minesha t. #he minesha t yo! .!st imagined in great detail...

shoc(in' ho*eless infor*ation ( there is one time that is partic!larly hard on the homeless" it+s when it rains. Not so m!ch getting wet" altho!gh the threat o l! and pne!monia is de initely there" b!t .!st the idea that they don+t have a place to go when it rains. 3ne o the simple .oys o li e is having a +roo over yo!r head+ when it rains. #o hear it po!ring o!tside while yo! are sa e and sn!g inside yo!r home is something the homeless are denied. Even i they ind a place to stand !nder" it+s not the same. And then there+s the lightning. Most people live their whole lives bliss !lly !naware that the government controls the lighting. *o! didn+t %now that5 Come on" time to grow !p. Lighting has been 4!ietly %illing the homeless since the government developed the technology in the late <0s. (t+s s!ch an abs!rd tho!ght that nobody has p!t the pieces together. ( yo! loo% at the data it+s 4!ite obvio!s. #he National 3ceanic and Atmospheric Administration CN3AAD have compiled lists o lighting atalities since 1X@X. )rom that time !ntil the late <0s" the ?S averaged X0 deaths by lightning a year. #he digital "torm +ata listing o the locations o these victims is not very precise. 3 the %nown designations" recreation was the largest category in every region and in the ?S. #he ne=t largest gro!p involved people located !nder trees" and the ne=t was related to pro=imity to bodies o water. #he remaining categories involving small n!mbers o people were gol ers" people involved in agric!lt!ral activities" telephones !sers" and people in pro=imity to radios and antennas. So!nds reasonable eno!gh" am ( right5 )or those with a b!rning passion or all things meteorological" yo!+ll also be interested to note that K!ly is the worst month or getting hit by lightning and the most li%ely time to be str!c% is between noon and [600 pm. Cas!alties are highest on S!ndays" ollowed closely by Sat!rdays. Ma%es that roo over yo!r head seem even better abo!t now" doesn+t it5 3nce we loo% at the "torm +ata as we creep into the X0s tho!gh" things change. S!ddenly the average n!mber o deaths per year .!mps to B00. Strange that this has never been reported. ,hat+s also strange is that the ma%e/!p o the victims also changes. Now in addition to the !s!al s!spects listed above is a new category6 individ!als who lac% a i=ed" reg!lar" and ade4!ate nighttime place o abode. 8ow did the press miss this one5 Another interesting shi t in data concerns the time o these stri%es. #he ma.ority now occ!r between midnight at [600 am. ,hen the homeless are asleepE 'ownright sinister. Sinister eno!gh that it got me digging a little deeper W and ( was shoc%ed and appalled by what ( o!nd. *o! %now what else changed in the early X0s5 #he );( added another category to their crime inde=. #hat+s right" B00 isn+t even the tip o the iceberg. And then yo! wonder why the homeless started the whole baggy pants ad. ,o!ld yo! go

to sleep wearing a belt with a metal b!c%le5E Seemingly o!t o nowhere the );( added >high voltage> to their list o crimes. 8igh voltage" yo! as%5 E=actlyE Since 1XXB there have been over ["B1@ instances o death by >high voltage.> 8ow many o these crimes have been solved5 Mero. #hat+s right. Mero. ( yo! dig a little deeper yo! ind many di erent ca!ses o death b!t they all so!nd damn amiliarA people b!rned internally inside their brain where motor !nctions were severed and the body co!ldn+t control motor and li e s!pport !nctions s!ch as respiration" victims who had their heart and aorta b!rned to a crisp Cwhere the ma.or blood low ta%es placeD and then bled to death internally" and some who were st!nned by an electrical charge and their heart stopped beating. $eady to be chilled to yo!r very core5 8ow many o these individ!als were homeless men and women5 ["B1@. 3n a related note" somehow ( thin% this bit o in ormation was given to the +3cc!py ,all Street+ crowd beca!se yo! s!ddenly saw them start to p!ll !p their tents pretty 4!ic%ly. At some point even a liberal government is going to get tired o their st!pidity and ( g!arantee ( %now what the weather orecast will be that night. $eg!lar or e=tra crispyE Let+s be honest. Nobody li%e the homeless. #hey are a depressing reminder o the railty o the h!man condition W and they !s!ally smell li%e shit. ;!t how can we t!rn a blind eye when o!r government is systematically barbe4!ing them5 Anyway" my point is that every time there is a big storm at night and (+m lying with my head on my pillow listening to the th!nder it+s really nice to %now ( have an address associated with my name in the big ol+ government comp!ter. Not being homeless %ic%s ass. not another fuc(in' s+i#er blo' ( g!ess it+s beca!se (+ve been watching a lot o *o!#!be videos o spiders" eating things yo! wo!ldn+t even thin% possible" that the tho!ght even occ!rred to me. #here is .!st something abo!t watching an insect eating a mammal or reptile that ascinates me. (t .!st seems wrong somehow. *o! wo!ld thin% that i in the !nli%ely event a sna%e ell into a web that it wo!ld .!st wriggle its way right o!t. Nope. (t hangs there con !sed or awhile and then only tries to ma%e an escape a ter the pro!d owner o the web comes to see what all the r!c%!s is abo!t and proceeds to start biting. #his pisses o the sna%e to no small degree b!t the web ends !p being a lot stronger than yo!+d thin% and be ore long the sna%e is all wrapped !p and this tiny little spider is en.oying a 4!ic% opheodrys vernalis snac%.

3n the other hand some spiders are .!st so damn big that they .!st grab shit and sin% in the ol+ angs. Mice are one thing b!t some o these monstrosities act!ally attac% !ll/si-ed birds and bats. ;atsE ( sit trans i=ed in my chair !nable to loo% away. So it was that earlier today ( was mowing my lawn and decided to get !nderneath the big holly tree o!t ront. ( spea% as i yo! %now which ho!se is mine and by saying >#he big holly tree> yo!+ll immediately say to yo!rsel " >3h yes" the one by the garage>. (t is .!st this type o implied intimacy that e=plains yo!r love o all things Manion. So (+m really getting !nder the tree with the mower" %nowing that typically ( .!st get close eno!gh to avoid being scratched by the !nnecessarily/pointy leaves o the holly tree Cthe one by the garageD and the grass directly !nderneath sometimes gets a bit shaggy" and doing my best to avoid getting ma!led by the !nnecessarily/green leaves when ( eel it6 the !nmista%able eeling o having wal%ed into a spider web. #he mother o all spider webs. (t was h!ge and stretched rom the shaggy grass at the base o the holly tree" that ( might have mentioned be ore sits in close pro=imity to the garage" all the way to the g!tter that hangs directly above the o t/mentioned garage. ,e+ve all been there" that gross eeling and the inevitability o loo%ing li%e a complete moron to any onloo%ers as yo! try and wipe away the webbing that is invisible to everyone b!t yo!. *o! call o!t to everyone >Spider webE> b!t to them yo! .!st loo% li%e yo!+re having a small sei-!re. ( was .!st abo!t to start the +webbing retard dance+ when ( remembered all the *o!#!be videos. So ( ro-e and waited to see what wo!ld happen. S!re eno!gh less than a min!te later ( saw the spider. (t was l!r%ing behind an !nnecessarily/pointy/and/green lea and came o!t to see what all the h!bb!b was all abo!t. (t too% in the scene. (t absorbed the sit!ation. At least that+s what ( ass!med it was doing as it .!st sat there loo%ing at me st!c% in its web. ( have ailed to this point to mention that it was a delight !l day o!tside. ?pper F0+s" light bree-e. #he per ect day to stand" !nmoving in a large web" watching a spider ta%e in and absorb things. #hen it started to move slowly towards me. No way. #he spider wasn+t as big as the tip o my dic% and here it was wrestling with the tho!ght that maybe" .!st maybe it co!ld eat me. #he worst part5 ( got nervo!s. K!st or an instant ( swear. ( .!st had this >,hat i he can act!ally eat me5> moment. )eeling embarrassed ( decided to see this thro!gh. As it made its way closer ( even wriggled a ingertip as i ( was hopelessly ensnared and ready to be digested at the spider+s leis!re. 8e bo!ght it. ;e ore long he was only an inch away rom my ace and starting to spin e=tra sil% o!t o his ass to orti y his hold on me as i he eared ( wo!ld s!ddenly reali-e my peril and ma%e a brea% or it. ( had to admire his pl!c%. ( g!ess he tho!ght that i he co!ld act!ally land me that he+d have eno!gh ood or pretty m!ch his entire li espan and then some. 1erhaps he was even thin%ing abo!t the possibility o sharing me and th!s

becoming the coolest spider in the whole holly tree by my garage and even" perhaps" other nearby trees ... be they holly or otherwise. As d!mb as ( might have loo%ed to a passerby" had ( rea%ed o!t when ( irst wal%ed into the web and been lailing aro!nd in my attempt to remove all the web" it didn+t hold a candle to how d!mb ( loo%ed now pretending to be ca!ght in the web or the bene it o the spider. (t was only a ter the act that this reality occ!rred to me o co!rse. ;!t bac% to the action. #he spider was now only abo!t hal an inch rom my ace. 8e moved closer and ( got a good loo%. $emember when Arnold was able to pry o the aceplate o the alien in !redator5 3h how ( wish ( had the intestinal ortit!de o Arnold. #he spider obvio!sly had Arnold/type/ ortit!de in spades beca!se he was abo!t to bite me. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEE EEEEE (t didn+t matter that ( was h!ge and he was tiny" ( bro%e and ran. 8is venom wo!ld have ca!sed a momentary irritation at best and at no time was ( in any peril whatsoever b!t ( ran. So help me ( ran. Screaming. And lailing. And the worst part5 ,hen ( ran the web came !ndone and the spider landed on my ace and then another layer o web made s!re he wasn+t going anywhere soon. So the two o !s le t the co-y con ines o the holly tree near the garage and began a less/ than/leis!rely .a!nt to parts !n%nown. Namely the street at the e=act moment a neighbor was driving past. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEE #hat was the spider. 8aving reali-ed that he was perhaps a bit too optimistic as ar as meals go ( thin% he was now .!st hoping to s!rvive his enco!nter with whatever it was that mowed the lawn. A ter the car had come to a screeching halt. A ter the e=planation. And the h!miliation. ( ret!rned the spider to his tree and inished the lawn. Loo%ing bac% on it ( wo!ldn+t trade the e=perience or the world and ( li%e to thin% the spider elt the same. Little 8or'e #here is a small town in ,est :irginia where time r!ns a little di erently than it does aro!nd most places. #he town is sit!ated in the Appalachian Mo!ntains and beca!se (+m rom the north yo!+ll ass!me that ( am in some way ma%ing !n o the residents o that town by saying what ( did abo!t time r!nning a bit di erently. ;!t ri ling thro!gh yo!r head to come !p with hillbilly clichas isn+t going to help yo! as m!ch as trying to remember what yo! were ta!ght in science abo!t how gravity can act!ally bend the time/ space contin!!m. Even that won+t help as m!ch as (+d li%e" s! ice it to say that when (

say Little 0orge" ,est :irginia is set deep in the Appalachians" ( do mean deep. #here are no hotels in Little 0orge" the last thing the town wants is to enco!rage o!tsiders and there are no travel agencies in Little 0orge beca!se the last thing the town wants is to enco!rage their own residents. #he partic!lar thing abo!t the town is that anyone who was not born within the city limits can never all asleep there. So yo! see why a hotel wo!ld be a cr!el tric% to play on visitors. (n the event o a medical emergency involving someone rom the o!tside" they are h!stled into an amb!lance and ta%en to the nearest hospital o!tside the co!nty beca!se no amo!nt o anesthesia will p!t them !nder. #o date nobody has ever had to have an operation while they are awa%e b!t the possibility o s!ch an event remains. )!nny thing abo!t when the people rom Little 0orge vent!re o!tside o town...i they all asleep" they wa%e !p two wee%s later. Leave it to mo!ntain ol% to mess !p a per ectly good ;rigadoon storyline. #here are no s!ch things as vacations or the townspeople o Little 0orge. #hey trade o!rteen days o their li e or every day spent somewhere else. 3ccasionally one o the yo!ng ones will want to bolt and ma%e or a nearby big city b!t a ter the realities o the town+s sit!ation have been e=plained to them they let common sense g!ide their decision. Stories o o!tside li e do tend to ma%e their way in" however" and tend to plant the seeds or the ne=t generation o impet!o!s yo!th so that temptation will always be there. So to the o!tside world" the residents o Little 0orge seem downright r!de. #hey seemingly have no desire to interact with the rest o h!manity. #he tr!th is that they have a secret to %eep" beca!se the last thing they want is a team o government scientists descending on their 4!iet town and t!rning them all into lab rats. 3bvio!sly yo!+d thin% that this set/!p m!st create a plethora o interesting stories" ascinating e=amples o the h!man spirit in action and ol%tales galore" b!t nothing is arther rom the tr!th. #his e=traordinary circ!mstance .!st gives the citi-ens o Little 0orge an e=c!se to do what most o the people who live in small mo!ntain towns do. Nothing m!ch. 3%" ( will admit there is one thing that is interesting abo!t the place. *o! see all o the inhabitants o Little 0orge have a secret b!t only a ew o them have another one on top o that. #heir secret is that the irst secret isn+t tr!e. ou (no$ the #rill Morale was low inside the ireho!se that sat .!st inside the city limits on the west end o Chiayi. #here had been an increase in the n!mber o ires inside the city recently and the poor training that the iremen had received was starting to show. Li%e all ireho!ses in #he 1eople+s $ep!blic o China they were given an inade4!ate amo!nt o e4!ipment" they were !ndersta ed and all o the iremen elt !nderpaid and !nderappreciated. #hat wasn+t what was eating 'a-h! `ing at the moment tho!gh. (t was the training. More speci ically it was the act that this training hadn+t been reviewed and !pdated in decades. (t wasn+t adapting to a new set o realities. Altho!gh technology had advanced and the city had grown" they were given strict instr!ctions and protocols on how to deal with

every scenario that co!ld possibly arise rom a co!nsel ar removed rom Chiayi and !n4!ali ied to ma%e s!ch .!dgments. 8e had visited other co!ntries and seen new techni4!es being employed that not only saved collateral b!t also saved lives. ,hy was his co!ntry so bac%ward in its thin%ing5 'id comm!nism by de inition have to t!rn a blind eye to the rest o the world and stic% with its own traditions even i it meant doing so was detrimental to the very people it claimed to serve and protect5 (t seemed more abo!t %e4i than doing what was right. #a%e or instance the reg!lations abo!t getting to the ire itsel . 3nce an alarm has been so!nded the response time or his crew to arrive is more than do!ble what it sho!ld be d!e to the government policy o having to stop at every light" wait or it to t!rn red" have all the iremen .!mp o!t" r!n aro!nd the ire engine and then get bac% into the vehicle in a di erent spot. A ew years bac% when 'a-h! went to the board that oversees s!ch things to complain they agreed completely and invested in a device that when installed made s!re the lights t!rn red as they approached to save them rom having to wait or a green. 'a-h! was !nable to ma%e it clear to them that this was not the answer he was loo%ing or. #he board also s!ggested that his crew spend more time practicing .!mping o!t at each light to improve their time" and called or the removal o one o the hoses" so it wo!ld be easier or the ire ighters to get in and o!t. Now ( co!ld go on and provide even more details abo!t this completely ictitio!s person and the ictitio!s ire department he wor%s or and perhaps even pretend that this blog is a scalding commentary abo!t the ine iciencies that are allowed to go !nchec%ed in a comm!nist society b!t the point is this ... is the image o a ire department racing to a ire b!t having to stop at every red light and per orm a Chinese ire drill the !nniest damn thing yo!+ve ever imaged5 No5 ( tr!ly don+t believe yo! are thin%ing abo!t it hard eno!gh. #ry again. )lashing lights" blaring sirens" the yellow ire/resistant s!its and big r!bber boots. Chinese g!ys scrambling to get in and o!t o the ire engine as a b!ilding somewhere down the street is b!rning down. Nothing5 ,ow. *o! not even trying a rittle. #istance ( sho!ld never have .ogged to someone else+s (pod. #he songs didn+t ta%e my mind o my sore %nees or the years snea%ing by. #o ma%e matters worse today was the day that ( had planned on altering my ro!te to incl!de a new hill. ;eing o!t o shape ( tend to stic% to the %ind o lat where yo! can see an anthill coming 20 yards away. ( li%e the word distance when ( hear people tal% abo!t distance r!nners. 0reat way o describing it. 'istance. #hat+s why ( need to r!n to the songs ( li%e beca!se it helps me

create distance. Not in miles b!t between mysel and the pain in my %nees and l!ngs and head. #hrow on the wrong so!ndtrac% and it a ects yo!r distance. (+m on the way down rom the top o this hill when ( irst see him. 3 co!rse" ( call it a hill b!t i yo! live in Colorado or ,yoming yo!+d probably snort a contempt!o!s snort and call it a tiny b!mp on an otherwise smooth road" b!t (+m telling the story so .!st be grate !l that ( didn+t describe a .agged pea% that disappears into the clo!ds. Anyway" (+m headed down when ( see this optical ill!sion created by the great distance between mysel " what ( co!ldn+t possibly be seeing and my borderline dehydration Chaving gone at least 10 min!tes witho!t a long g!lp o 0atoradeD. #here+s a g!y at the bottom o the hill and the way he+s standing it ma%es it appear as i his body is normal b!t instead o a head he has a stop sign. ( drop my head" la!gh a little to mysel and contin!e .ogging" certain that he is standing behind a stop sign and this is .!st one o those !nny things yo! see that can never be recreated however hard yo! try. #he smile ades a bit when ( thin% ( remember not seeing a stop sign there on the .og past that spot @ min!tes ago. ( loo% again. Still a stop sign or a head. Little la!gh" drop head. )!nny the in ormation yo!r eyes can present to yo!r brain with a straight ace. Another shitty song on the (pod. ( loo% again and now there is no getting aro!nd it. (t+s a g!y with a stop sign or a head. Not in some metaphorical sense b!t an act!al red octagon with the word S#31 written on it where typically yo! see a person+s head. Now o all the 4!estions yo!+d thin% wo!ld be racing thro!gh my head at that moment yo! might be s!rprised a little to learn what the only one really was. As ( approach this g!y" do ( have to stop5 ,hat yo! also might be s!rprised to learn is that ( didn+t thin% that beca!se his head was a stop sign and ( was !nder any ill!sions that ( was legally re4!ired to stop" b!t .!st that someone who has a stop sign or a head might not eel com ortable in p!blic and stopping and saying hi to p!t him at ease might be the nice thing to do. ( swear. ( co!ld sit here all day and spec!late what 4!estions might have popped into yo!r head b!t instead (+ll .!st carry on and tell yo! that as ( got closer the physiology o this g!y tr!ly was a normal/loo%ing person with a reg!lation stop sign where his head was... e=cept or one detail. 8e had a big m!stache sitting !nder the #. No eyes" no mo!th" .!st this thic% stash. As yo! might e=pect ( lost my nerve and .!st .ogged right by him with a little nod o recognition. ( can+t beat mysel !p too m!ch or not being more neighborly" the stash really threw me. *et another shitty song on the (pod. 'amn" yo!+d thin% that .!st the law o probability wo!ld dictate that at least one non/shitty song wo!ld come on b!t this playlist was shit rom bow to stern. ( admit that or a little while a ter this enco!nter ( did wonder to mysel which sign (

wo!ld be i ( had to choose one" (+m certain it wo!ld only have Z sides as opposed to <" b!t or the rest o my !npleasant r!n ( mainly was thin%ing abo!t Arth!r Schopenha!er and his 4!ote abo!t tr!th . ) ll truth passes through three stages. (irst, it is ridiculed. "econd, it is *iolently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self?e*ident.) ( tho!ght abo!t the distance between each o those stages" not in the way we process in ormation and reach concl!sions b!t in act!al eet and yards. Abo!t the man with a stop sign or a head and how pro!d ( was that ( was able to close those distances be ore ( act!ally reached him. Altho!gh in retrospect" ( really sho!ld have stopped. the 9in' an# the 2 cro$ns Every B or Z years" whether ( need it or not" ( go to get my teeth cleaned. (+m good li%e that. Li%e cloc%wor%. ( don+t mention this lightly" ( hate getting my teeth cleaned so the act that ( step !p to the plate with s!ch reg!larity is something (+m pretty pro!d o . Sort o gives me that adult shine. My dental hygienist ta%es her .ob serio!sly so when ( sit down ( %now (+m on or the long ha!l. (+m never s!re i she loves or .ob or hates it" b!t once that chair gets tilted all the way bac%" my eet are high and my head is low" she is all b!siness. ( always thin% it+s strange how m!ch ( want her approval. ,hen she tells me to open a bit wider yo!+d thin% ( was a sna%e !nhinging its .aws. She tells me to move a little to the le t and ( practically brea% my own nec% as ( h!rl my head le tward. ( swear" i she bro!ght a don%ey over and had it place its balls in my mo!th ( do!bt (+d !tter a peep in protest. ( g!ess when someone is wielding a sharp ob.ect in yo!r mo!th" yo! aim to please. So she starts in cleaning" adorned with her bib and sa ety glasses. Apparently" she+s not very good with blood beca!se abo!t two min!tes in ( eel her orehead hit mine. $ather hard act!ally. 3bvio!sly (+ve had my eyes closed as she+s been wor%ing" otherwise (+d be staring right into her ace or the entire appointment and that wo!ld be creepy so that e=plains why ( wasn+t ready or her head smashing into mine. 8er nose ends !p in my mo!th and ( g!ess the wetness o said mo!th bro!ght her s!ddenly to beca!se her head pops bac% !p and she acts li%e nothing happened. Clearly it did" beca!se itJs either that or her red nose indicates she+s gone and .oined the circ!s since she started my cleaning. ;!t ( let it slide. Again" she+s the one with the sharp metal thing in my mo!th. ?n ort!nately this little scene contin!es to replay itsel every ew min!tes. A ter every tooth she as%s me to rinse and every B or Z teeth she e=c!ses hersel and wal%s o!tside or some air. ( can watch her right o!t the window and ( see her bending over and ta%ing a %nee and swinging her arms aro!nd li%e she+s either b!ilding eno!gh nerve to ret!rn to her post or abo!t to pinch hit in the bottom o the [th. ( rarely !se baseball terminology as ( ind the sport cr!shingly d!ll" so ma%e s!re to en.oy that little n!gget as yo! won+t be seeing another or 4!ite awhile. )inally she+s bac%" wrist/deep in my ori ice and with all the scraping and chiseling ( e=pect two :en!s de Milo+s where my ront teeth !se to be" b!t a 4!ic% once/over with the tong!e con irms that they are still intact.

( sho!ld point o!t at this time that d!ring the entire appointment she+s had the radio on and it+s been t!ned to $adio Margaritaville. ( wasn+t aware that Kimmy ;! et had a radio station that plays only his songs or songs that he eels inspired him. #his radio stations answers the age/old 4!estion" >,hat are they listening to in hell5>. )inally a ter hearing him cover Kimi 8endri=+s The #ind 'ries Mary, ( spl!ttered and g!rgled o!t that she needed to either change the station" t!rn it o or ta%e the radio and cl!b me over the head with it !ntil (+m !nconscio!s. #he whole +clean a tooth" pass o!t and recover+ ro!tine had my appointment p!shing two ho!rs and ( wasn+t even hal done. My .aw ached and ( was sic% o ma%ing that little gagging so!nd every time ( tried to swallow with my mo!th wide open which apparently is impossible" b!t yo! have to try otherwise yo! eel yo!+re going to drown in yo!r own spit. My mo!th was so wide open that one time she dropped the little metal thing and then there was a pa!se and then yo! heard this little splash li%e when yo! throw a coin in a o!ntain. Lightheaded rom the signi icant blood loss ( was e=periencing at the hands o Madam Scraper" ( was over.oyed to see her event!ally reach or the little loor b! er thing and start to apply the inishing to!ches. )inally the s!n was low on the hori-on and my day at the dentist was almost over. Now that his opening act was inished" the dentist strolled in li%e the dental roc% star he is in his white .!mps!it" anno!nced my =/rays loo% ine" threw his sweat/soa%ed scar on top o me and told me that ( only need B crowns. #han% yo!. #han% yo! very m!ch. the co*e# lesson So yo! want to ma%e people la!gh do yo!5 ,ell be ore yo! go galloping o trying" (+d li%e to review a ew things" otherwise yo! might h!rt yo!rsel or someone close to yo!. *o!+re not trying to %ill someone are yo!5 Are yo!5 ( didn+t thin% so. )irst o all let+s disc!ss pro anity. *o! see more and more o it these days and the conventional wisdom seems to be that it is o% as long as there is a point to it and it isn+t grat!ito!s. ,rong. Conventional wisdom orgot why people c!rse in the irst place. And another thing" when is the last time yo! la!ghed at conventional wisdom5 Not incl!ding the conventional wisdom that pro anity sho!ld never be !sed grat!ito!sly" o co!rse. ( thin% it wo!ld be easier to demonstrate my point with a .o%e6 .nock knock. #ho's there8 @o fuck yourself. @o fuck yourself who8 &pen the fucking door already. As yo! can clearly see that is !nny. (t ma%es no sense b!t yo! can+t deny it+s !nny.

,ell" ( g!ess yo! co!ld deny it" b!t yo!+d be wrong. ,hat ma%es it !nny5 #he grat!ito!s !se o the word H !c%.I So the ta%eaway rom this is that pro anity is !nny. Let+s view this rom another angle. #here is an old .o%e that goes as ollows6 #hat's the difference between 'ir6ue du "oleil and the Rockettes8 &ne is a bunch of cunning stunts. No 4!estioning that+s !nny. (t lets the listener o the .o%e ig!re o!t the p!nch line themselves. #here is in erence o pro anity b!t none is act!ally !ttered. ( !nny isn+t good eno!gh or yo!" tho!gh" (+d s!ggest it be told this way6 #hat's the difference between 'ir6ue du "oleil and the Rockettes8 &ne is a bunch of stunning cunts. Now that+s hilario!s. ( s!ggest yo! try it both ways to see or yo!rsel . ( do!bt many o yo!r listeners will even bother to wor% o!t the word play and .!st roar that yo! said c!nts o!t lo!d. *o! see where (+m going with this5 ,orried that somebody might be o ended5 'on+t be. 1eople need to be o ended every now and then. (t+s healthy. ( they don+t vent a little sel /righteo!s indignation rom time to time they end !p bottling it !p and either sitting in a bell tower with a high/powered ri le or" ar worse" starting a ;ible2#orah29oran st!dy gro!p. 3%" one last e=ample and then ( send yo! o to be !nny on yo!r own. #his is a bit cerebral so try and stay with me6 The other day I opened my front door and screamed )$ey you kidsF @et the fuck off my lawnF) Two things you should know. &ne, I li*e in a townhouse so it's really not my lawn. nd two, there were no kids outside at the time. Now some o yo! are wondering why this is !nny. E=actly. (n and o itsel it+s not. (t might be interesting and ma%e the listener thin% yo!+re smarter than yo! really are b!t any act!al g! aws wo!ld have to be created inside their own head. E=cept or the act yo! said >0et the !c% o my lawnE> ( yo! say that lo!d eno!gh and wildly swing yo!r arms abo!t people will la!gh. Even tho!gh what ollows isn+t e=actly !nny. ( bet i yo! pretend to be really old the la!gh will be bigger. So there yo! have it. 8!mor and pro anity are li%e pean!t b!tter and .elly. Now go write a bloc%b!ster comedy. 3h yeah" and i yo!+re ever at the ?niversity o So!th Carolina as% everyone yo! meet on camp!s i their women+s sports teams are called the 0amec!nts. ,o!ld love to see that mascot. Mr. 9a cee +la s ball (t was .!st a cra-y t!rn o events that p!t me on to my son+s ability otherwise (+m s!re (

wo!ld have b!nged him o to the shrin% in two sha%es o a lamb+s tail. ( .!st so happened to not only sit listening to him tal% in his sleep one night" smiling and thin%ing it was abo!t the c!test and creepiest thing (+d ever heard" b!t then also happened to be at the right spot at the right time to hear my neighbor repeat word or word the e=act conversation the ne=t day. (+ll slow down and let that sin% in. ;elieve me" ta%e yo!r time. (t too% me 4!ite awhile to ig!re o!t what was going on mysel . Let me throw in some details. ( was only !p beca!se my dog is old and craps in the ho!se. #o get my attention she wal%s aro!nd on the tile at the ront o the ho!se and i ( don+t h!rl mysel down the stairs li%e an 3lympic h!rler she will ta%e that as a sign that it is all clear to commence wal%ing abo!t the living room crapping. ( literally sleep with one eye open these days. So ( was plodding bac% !p the stairs a ter standing at the bac% door or the better part o the evening awaiting my dogJs tri!mphant ret!rn rom the bac% yard when ( heard my son tal%ing. At irst ( tho!ght he was calling o!t to me b!t his voice seemed to be too lat to be in any distress so ( cas!ally made my way down the hall trying to ma%e o!t what he was saying. 8e was going into great detail abo!t how the bac% dec% needs replacing and it was abo!t god damned time he got serio!s and marched his ass down to the hardware store and bo!ght the necessary l!mber. Not the !s!al st! that comes o!t o his mo!th. ( was e=pecting snac% oods or monsters to be honest. #hose seem to be his two main preocc!pations at present b!t what ( got instead was a long dissertation on the di ic!lties o replacing rotting wood. (t went on or 4!ite a time and slowly my smile aded and was replaced by a mi= o concern" bem!sement and sleepy acceptance that the mind is an odd beast and one can never tell" can one5 (+ll s%ip ahead to the ollowing day aro!nd dinnertime. ( was heating the grill or the b!rgers when ( heard my neighbor open his bac% door and come o!t on his dec%. My wi e had le t me years be ore d!e to my >sel ish o!tloo%> as she called it" so it was only my son and ( or dinner pretty m!ch every night. ( had become 4!ite the little coo% and ( was able to throw together hamb!rgers witho!t m!ch tho!ght. (n act my mind was wandering bac% to the previo!s evening and my son+s strange ramblings" my well/trained hands mechanically s4!ee-ing the meat into patties and mindlessly tossing them on the grill" when ( heard the identical strange ramblings rom ne=t door. )or a ew moments ( tho!ght my head had an echo beca!se the words going thro!gh them were being repeated word or word. #here. *o!+re all ca!ght !p. And probably not believing a word or word (+m saying. ( don+t blame yo!. Not at all. ( didn+t believe what ( was hearing. 8ow co!ld it be5 My son wal%ed o!t to in4!ire how things were going in the dinner department and to tell me the corn was almost ready to go and ( .!st stared at him li%e a mental patient. (n this case" ( m!st have loo%ed li%e ( was a mental patient to him and ( was wondering which o !s was the mental patient on my side o the e4!ation. Clearly one o !s was a ew cards short o a dec%. 3r perhaps my son had a ew e=tra cards hidden !p his sleeve.

Li%e any parent my irst tho!ght was >8ow can ( get rich o this5> ( ( had a little +$ain Man+ or something was there a way to ma%e a lot o cash rom it5 ,e ate o!r meal in silence as ( stared at my son with a pro!d yet rea%ed o!t loo%. ,as this a onetime thing5 ,o!ld the tal% shows be interested5 'oes he have a t!mor o some sort5 ( remember seeing Kohn #ravolta in a movie where he got smart all o a s!dden a ter a t!mor started growing in his head. 8e never went on any tal% shows as ( recall and that seemed a wasted opport!nity to me. ( did dishes and cas!ally as% my son i he remembered the dream he had b!t" as ( e=pected" he had no idea what ( was tal%ing abo!t and ( didn+t want to p!sh the topic any !rther. ;etter he didn+t %now what ( s!spected and .!st contin!ed on oblivio!s to his new/ o!nd earning potential. ;!t how to get rich rom this pec!liar ability. Even calling it an ability seemed rash at the time b!t how else to describe it5 #hen it dawned on me. #he neighbor on the other side o my ho!se anno!nced the games or the ma.or leag!e baseball team in o!r area. ( my son was able to anticipate what he was going to say then all ( needed to do was point him in the direction o this broadcaster" have him pic% !p the play/by/play" eno!gh to see who won the game" and then lay down a bet based on this insider %nowledge. Child+s play. ,ell" sleeping/child+s play anyway. A ter ( loo%ed !p the ne=t home game or the team ( went to the ban% and too% o!t two mortgages and s!ddenly o!nd mysel 4!ite li4!id as they say in inancial circles. #he night be ore the game" ( lipped my son+s bed to ace the other way" threw on a pot o co ee and waited or the pertinent details o tomorrow+s game to begin po!ring o!t. ( wasn+t disappointed. Somewhere near 2600 a.m. he began giving me the ol+ balls and stri%es and ( reali-ed 4!ic%ly we were already in the Zth inning. ( sat trans i=ed as he described every pitch and hit and even tal%ed thro!gh the commercial brea%s abo!t how m!ch he+d li%e to ball the new blonde ball girl. ,ith the home team winning [/2 in the <th he s!ddenly rolled over and went silent. Now at this point yo! m!st be thin%ing how disappointed ( was or how ( was already thin%ing abo!t how ( can ma%e s!re ( got the whole game ne=t time b!t s!ch was my enth!siasm or cashing in on my son+s gi t that ( ig!red a [/2 lead with only one more time at bat or the visitors was abo!t as so!nd an investment as there is. Later that same day the necessary !nds were placed with a rep!table gambling establishment and ( cl!tched my betting slips and watched the opposing team score ive r!ns in the top o the Xth as ( screamed and lept aro!nd in ront o the #:. My son led the room" scared o by my s!dden interest in baseball. A ter the lead/o batter or the home cl!b wal%ed the ne=t batter str!c% o!t and then the ne=t hit into a do!ble play to end the contest. My son did indeed end !p having a t!mor b!t a ter losing the ho!se ( co!ldn+t a ord the treatment necessary to give him the best chance at beating it. (t was the bottom o the Xth and his old man had str!c% o!t. tuna hel+er ( there is one reso!rce on the planet that we are not !tili-ing to the !llest e=tent is has to

be dolphins. ,hile not completely !ntapped yo! certainly can+t arg!e with the star% reality that they are completely !ndertapped. Mostly beca!se o the act that yo! are reading this and can+t arg!e anything. C3ne o the downsides to being on the receiving end o a story.D #here are so many things we co!ld be doing with them CdolphinsD" in addition to the obvio!s ones o loo%ing or s!n%en treas!re and herding t!na. ( read somewhere that we are close to ig!ring o!t their clic%ing lang!age" so i we can do that we can as% them to teach !s all the other ish lang!ages. #a%e or instance the manta ray. ( it can sense ish !nder the sand !sing electric signals and s!ch" there is no reason we co!ldn+t as% it to loo% or oil instead. (+m .!st spitballing here. #he point is that the ocean probably has a lot to teach !s. Now or yo! Nervo!s Nellies C#his is a per ect e=ample o how di ic!lt is to write. Most people ass!me that yo! .!st sit down and start writing away b!t the tr!th is that yo! never get more than a ew sentences in be ore yo! r!n into a Nervo!s Nellie. And here is an e=ample" do yo! capitali-e Nervo!s Nellie5 (+m pretty s!re abo!t the Nellie b!t isn+t nervo!s an ad.ective or adverb5 (+ll be ran%" ( have no idea. ( my name was )ran% then (+d go ahead and capitali-e it in that last sentence" even tho!gh ( %now it+s an ad.ective or adverb or something involving action or description or something b!t (+d ass!me yo!" the reader" wo!ld catch on to my !nny !se o the capitol ). #he capitol N isn+t as !nny beca!se nobody co!ld be s!re ( meant it as ironic or ( .!st don+t %now any better. See how hard it is to write5D o!t there ... (+m going to go ahead and start that paragraph over" that little digression went on way too long. 3%" ( was tal%ing abo!t dolphins and wanted to ma%e s!re the +timid or worrisome+ readers o!t there didn+t get their panties in a twist over the idea that by partnering so closely with dolphins that they wo!ld learn all o!r secrets and somehow become a threat. ;e ore yo! imagine a s%y dar% with dolphin bombers" remember that bac% in the day when all !s mammals were sitting together in the sea it was only h!mans that crawled !p on land and started getting army and handy and ingery. C( yo!+ll allow me another deto!r rom the main topic (+d li%e to point o!t that in the last sentence my a!tomatic spell chec% only lagged the word ingery. (t was per ectly ine with army and handy despite the act that ( was !sing them in a completely incorrect manner. Now do yo! see the stress involved in writing5 8ow am ( ever going to be able to rela= and tr!st my spell chec% when it is so obvio!sly ill/e4!ipped to deal with my !se o the lang!age5 ;!t soldier on ( m!st despite the act that ( only !sed the word soldier beca!se the word army was still in my head so now (+m certain this story is headed nowhere coherent.D Simply p!t it wo!ld ta%e the dolphin a ew h!ndred tho!sand years to evolve hands and (+m s!re we+d start to s!spect something in all that time. *o! can+t e=actly spring hands onto h!manity witho!t !s noticing yo! were !p to some evol!tionary shenanigans and !ntil that day comes dolphins aren+t going to be able to b!ild any weapons or cool a4!atic re/breathers that allow them to move aro!nd on land with those d!mb little n!bby ins they+ve got now. So really they have no choice b!t to play ball with !s. C,as ( the only one who s!ddenly had the 4!ic% image o a dolphin hitting a volleyball bac% to a trainer at Sea ,orld5D ( started o saying that the dolphin has been badly !ndertapped b!t ( thin% it+s air to say that ( have done a poor .ob o giving yo! e=amples to s!pport that contention. C'espite the di ic!lties in writing" ( still pride mysel on holding my own eet to the ire when it

comes to being acco!ntable or a good inished prod!ct. ( ( were a dolphin" (+m s!re ( wo!ld hold my l!%e to the ire" or the ocean e4!ivalent da hot thermal vente" i ( were dictating this to a h!man with a typewriter.D #he point being ( owe yo!" good reader" a ew e=amples o why we are not ma%ing the most o o!r dolphin riends b!t or the li e o me ( can+t remember any o the do-ens that had initially spr!ng to mind when ( started this story d!e to the act that with all the Nervo!s Nellies" handys and wonderings i a thermal vent is really the ocean e4!ivalent o ire (+ve completely lost my train o tho!ght. Let me try one last time. ( do hope that i yo! ta%e anything rom this it+s that writing is hard and yo! sho!ld really thin% twice be ore deciding to do it yo!rsel . M!ch easier being a reader. ?nless yo! want to arg!e something. 'olphins. $ight. )!c%. C3ne o the small .oys o writing is pro anity. ,henever yo! need a small brea% in the action throw in a !c%. *o! might want to write that down.D 'id ( mention t!na herding5 ( %now the army !se to strap things to their head and have them retrieve items in the water li%e lost torpedoes. C( wo!ld be remiss in not mentioning the scene in the 1X[[ version o ;atman where a brave dolphin throws himsel in the path o a torpedo ired by the Ko%er and intended or ;atman and $obin who at the time are helplessly tied to a loating b!oy. Ne=t thing yo! %now they are sa ely roaring away rom the d!st/!p in their ;atboat so we are le t to ass!me that other dolphins m!st have arrived on the scene and overcome their considerable lac% o !se !l appendages and somehow !ntied them. ( yo! ever want to teach the dolphins how !c%ed !p o!r c!lt!re has become in the last @0 years" .!st show them o!r portrayal o the Ko%er in 1X[[" the one as played by Kac% Nicholson in 1X<X and then the 8eath Ledger one in 200<. 3!r evolving view o +villains+ will ma%e them glad they stayed in the drin%.D So we have t!na herding and strapping things to their head so they can ind o!r lost torpedoes. And the tal%ing to other ish thing. #hat+s a pretty convincing arg!ment" yo! have to admit. ( introd!ced the topic" s!pported my initial proposition and now (+m barreling towards a concl!sion. All in all" (+d say that was ive min!tes well spent. (s it all in all or all and all5 And why wo!ld ( !se the word d!st/!p in the one environment where there was literally no d!st5 ( sho!ld have gone bro!haha or scrap. No wonder dolphins don+t write. That Was No$- This Is Then ,atching him tal% was almost mesmeri-ing" the way his words came in short high/ pitched b!rsts while his hands slid along the top and bac% o the chair seemingly oblivio!s to the conversation. ( say conversation in only the loosest sense o the word as he never li ted his eyes or ac%nowledged the person listening in any way. 8e simply spo%e as i tal%ing to himsel while his little ingers e=plored every noo% and cranny o the anti4!e chair. #hese days instead o calling a %id >4!ir%y> they seem to eel the need to label him as having Attention 'e icit 'isorder or mild a!tism or whatever the

diagnosis/o /the/month happened to be" b!t whenever yo! were alone with him yo! always somehow elt he was the brightest person in the room ... despite the act that sometimes he wo!ld leave that room mid/sentence" completely oblivio!s to the act that yo! were listening. 8is mother was a piece o ass even tho!gh she was well into her thirties. She wasn+t .!st c!te" she was a piece o ass. #a%e that however yo! want b!t there was no denying it. She had that e=otic loo% that only So!th American women can possess. 8er h!sband" his ather" had c!t o!t be ore he was born and there was no lac% o s!itors to replace him b!t she elt it best i she .!st oc!sed on her son. ;ehind her bac% many people whispered that it was the lac% o a strong male role model that was to blame or his e eminate mannerisms and the way he wal%ed on his toes all the time. She whispered bac% many times that a strong male was the one that abandoned them both" so the boy had all the modeling he needed and she wo!ld ta%e it rom there. 8is mother is a pharmace!tical sales rep and that is how ( got to %now him. ( had known him since he was born b!t ( only got to know him the wee% ( was as%ed to loo% a ter him at his ho!se while his Mother went to a training seminar in 1hoeni=. ,hen she le t" he was s!rprisingly emotional abo!t her depart!re b!t res!med wor% on his Lego castle moments later seemingly witho!t a care in the world. 8e tal%ed to himsel nonstop even as ( did my best to interact with him. Event!ally" ( gave !p and .!st sat and watched him loat rom one activity to the ne=t. Altho!gh he might have been the most !ncoordinated and athletically/challenged %id on the planet ( o ered to ta%e him on a hi%e and play catch and s!ch anyway b!t he was ar too b!sy drawing or b!ilding or reading boo%s o!t lo!d to himsel . 3 ten times" when he didn+t !nderstand something he was reading" he wo!ld stop and e=plain it to himsel . 8is mother never warned me abo!t his bedroom tho!ghA ( had to m!ddle thro!gh that e=perience or mysel . #he door to his room had the n!mber @F1 written on it" when yo! wal%ed in the air conditioner was blowing o!t arctic/cold air" and his bed consisted o nothing more than what appeared to be a ew seat c!shions p!shed together. ( tried to as% why he didn+t have a normal bed b!t he .!st wal%ed past me cl!tching his bedtime snac% o bee .er%y and lavorless ice pops he had made himsel by p!tting 1opsicle stic%s in c!ps o water and then stic%ing them in the ree-er. #he room had none o the toys and games (+d e=pected to be piled !p everywhere and was almost empty b!t or a ew clothes scattered on the gro!nd" a model plane hanging in the middle o the room and what ( mista%enly called a ootball st!c% in a corner. ,hen ( wal%ed over to to!ch it the boy yelled or me to stop and that he hated r!gby. ( didn+t bother to as% why he had the ball in the irst place. Str!ggling or a conversation re/starter ( as%ed him i he had b!ilt the plane himsel . >#hat+s a twin t!rboprop )airchild )8/22F'.> Altho!gh he technically didn+t answer the 4!estion ( elt real progress had been made. >(t crashed )riday the 1Bth.> ,ell so m!ch or progress. Not wanting to let the opport!nity or dialog!e slip away ( replied >*eah" )riday the 1Bth is one !nl!c%y day.> 8e seemed to nod his agreement as he arranged the c!shions together !nderneath him and

then p!lled a cover over himsel . )or the ne=t ew days the only time ( elt that he paid any attention to me was when ( was p!tting him to bed. Even when ( made him his meals and we sat at the same table he was miles away. (t was only in the chill o his room each night that ( was able to act!ally share a ew moments with him" leeting as they were. >'id yo! b!ild that model plane yo!rsel 5> ( in4!ired" eager to see i he wo!ld ta%e the bait. >( died on that plane.> S!ddenly" ( missed the closeness we had shared at the dinner table. >*o! died on that plane5 8ow did yo! die on that plane5> b!t he was already !nder his cover and asleep. #he ne=t night when we wal%ed into the room he said >( died on that plane when it crashed> witho!t provocation. A whole day had passed between his two comments b!t ( %new e=actly what he was tal%ing abo!t. A whole day o listening to his lilting voice" giggle and st!tter and arg!e with itsel " while ( %ept mysel am!sed with the #: and a good boo%. 8aving e=perienced his room on previo!s nights ( %new to throw on my .ac%et be ore heading !p the stairs to the cold that awaited me. S!ddenly we were pic%ing !p where we le t o 2Z ho!rs ago and .ac%et or no .ac%et a chill ran down my spine .!st the same. >8ow do yo! %now yo! died5 ,hen was this5> 8e started to arrange the c!shions b!t ( wal%ed over and sat down on one to impede his progress. 8e seemed nonpl!ssed and simply wal%ed over to the other side o the room with his head down. >A ter ( died they ate me.> ( got o the c!shion. #he last night there was a part o me that didn+t even want to go into the room to p!t him to bed. ( honestly was waiting or him to loo% me in the eye and ma%e some !nnerving comment that wo!ld ha!nt me or the rest o my li e. ( wasn+t s!re i ( was scared o him or simply elt bad or the %id" b!t ( hesitated to go into the room. ( hadn+t elt that way all day in the com ort o being anywhere that wasn+t his ree-ing cold bedroom with the little plane hanging in it b!t now ( had one last tas% to per orm and that was t!c%ing him in. >,ell ( hope yo! had !n this wee%. *o!r Mom will be bac% tomorrow.> 8e wal%ed over and got the ball rom the corner. 8e smiled and s!ddenly tossed it to me in an aw%ward heave that loo%ed so !npracticed and girly it made me wonder how he was ever going to s!rvive middle school let alone high school. ( ca!ght it on the bo!nce b!t by the time ( went to throw it bac% he was already ma%ing his way to his ma%eshi t bed. >(t+s hard to be in 2 places at once.> ( started to reply that staying with him at his ho!se wasn+t hard at all b!t then it dawned

on me that he wasn+t tal%ing abo!t me. 3r even to me. ( wal%ed over and gently p!t my hands on each side o his ace and tried to loo% directly into his eyes. >0ood night" little man.> 8is eyes met mine brie ly and then moved o to every other point on the ceiling above !s. >;!enas noches"> he replied. ( tho!ght abo!t as%ing his Mom abo!t why he sleeps with his room so cold and why he sleeps on seat c!shions instead o a bed or why with all the weird behaviors he e=hibits the only medication he+s on is one that treats altit!de sic%ness" b!t in the end every answer wo!ld only lead to another do-en 4!estions so when she arrived bac% home ( %ept them all to mysel . She+s no do!bt a good Mom and he+s a great %id so a ter only a wee% o interacting with him ( sho!ld %eep my opinions to mysel . Not every %id is in need o resc!e.

Fa&orite Faceboo( Status u+#ates.

#here are times when ( need to come !p with the per ect sentence or phrase b!t the words behave li%e the Coyote chasing the $oadr!nner. A rodeo is really nothing more than a b!nch o people watching other people in cowboy hats being cr!el to horses and b!lls. (n a per ect world every rider wo!ld be thrown o and trampled to death. *o! %now that so!nd o a plate bring dropped in a resta!rant5 #he lo!d crash and everyone swiveling their head to see which waitress is going to be ired. (t+s s!ch a distinctive noise. ,o!ldn+t it be great i that was the so!nd girls made when they too% a crap5 No matter how lo!d the m!sic is in the bathroom everyone in the ho!se is going to hear it. Even when yo!+re watching #: with the vol!me !p. >3h" ;eth is ta%ing a d!mp again.> A moment o clarity6 Every time ( start to get o ended that nobody really cares what ( have to say ( remind mysel that ( really don+t care abo!t what anyone else has to say. 8ave yo! ever stepped into the shower to ind a mos4!ito trapped in there with yo!5 *o! immediately get that >only one o !s is coming o!t o here alive> eeling ollowed by a ew min!tes o splashing water at it !ntil it inally alls and gets s!c%ed down the drain. As it is alling" however brie ly it may be" don+t yo! hear that whining pl!mmeting so!nd that ighter planes !se to ma%e in ,, (( when they got hit and crashed5 (+m act!ally s!rprised when ( don+t see a little smo%e and lames coming o!t o it .!st be ore it hits the gro!nd. Sno$balle# :first a++eare# as a s+o(en $or# stor on $$$.thetri+o#cat.co*; 'id yo! %now that i yo! throw a snowball against a wall it will leave a mar% that loo%s identical to yo!r hand5 3bvio!sly" the si-e o the splatter and s!bse4!ent handprint will

be relative to the distance that the snowball traveled be ore impact b!t it will always leave Z identi iable ingers and a th!mb with a ew s!per l!o!s bits o icy wetness clinging nearby. ,hat+s more" d!e to the ascinating nat!re o snow crystals and their he=agonal symmetry the snow clinging to the wall will act!ally contain yo!r ingerprints. *o! wo!ld have to have a machine that co!ld p!t the snowball bac% together per ectly be ore yo! co!ld get the print b!t it+s still an interesting act and might ca!se yo! some concern i the snowball yo! threw didn+t act!ally hit a wall b!t instead lew o co!rse and hit a small child on a toboggan in the head and ca!sed them to swerve into a cement mi=er traveling at a high rate o speed on a nearby icy road. St!c% to the bloody mangled wooly cap wo!ld be all the evidence the a!thorities wo!ld need to p!t yo! away or a long time. Not really. ( .!st made all that st! !p. #he 4!estion is whether or not yo! believed me even or a moment. 'o!btlessly yo!+ve thrown yo!r share o snowballs and seen them e=plode into watery $orschach sm!dges against co!ntless walls and s!ch" b!t ( wonder i or a min!te yo! tho!ght abo!t it and it act!ally %ind o made sense why a snowball thrown by a hand wo!ld leave a hand/shaped spot on a wall. ( yo!+re smart eno!gh to manip!late logic and math to the point where yo! can ma%e obvio!s crap so!nd pla!sible then yo! have to reconsider yo!r de inition o smart" don+t yo!5 As ar as the science involved with water molec!les" crystalline lattices and si=/ old symmetry (+m s!re yo! were .!st happy to plow right thro!gh any act!al e=planations and get any re erences to physics behind yo!. 8ad ( started in abo!t how snow crystals tend to orm simpler shapes when the s!persat!ration Ch!midityD is low as opposed to more comple= shapes at higher h!midity Chad ( mentioned s!persat!ration again ( ear yo! wo!ld have abandoned this story entirelyD then ( co!ld have probably told yo! that the snowball not only carried yo!r ingerprints b!t yo!r phone n!mber and credit score as well and yo! wo!ld have believed me .!st to get past it 4!ic%ly. Maybe science is throwing !s a bone by ma%ing a snowball e=plode into a dripping ambig!o!s design as opposed to some cool 4!ant!m anomaly. ,hat co!ld be more !n than a smear that lets yo! see whatever yo! want in it5 ( will admit that the post/collision snowball lac%s the bilateral symmetry o yo!r standard $orschach in%blot b!t yo! get the general idea. 3r do yo!5 1erhaps the mere mention o the word symmetry in the last sentence tipped yo! o that we were once again going to pl!nge into the verbiage o academia and yo!+re bracing yo!rsel or the bli--ard o big words s!re to ollow. Sort o a li%e a big ree-ing snowball right smac% to the brain. *o! wo!ld thin% that a g!y who came !p with a amo!s psychological test wo!ld be nerdy and !nattractive b!t 8ermann $orschach was a dead ringer or ;rad 1itt. 8ow he had time to iddle aro!nd with in%blots when he co!ld have been o!t starring in movies and banging chic%s" ( have no idea. 1erhaps his good loo%s were the reason his in%blot tests didn+t catch on !ntil he sold them to someone who was nerdy and !nattractive li%e 8ans 8!ber. )or this reason" 8!ber is widely considered the $ay 9roc o psychology. Not really. ( mean he co!ld be b!t ( .!st made that !p so it+s probably not the case. (

wasn+t lying abo!t 8ermann loo%ing a lot li%e ;rad tho!gh. #he word croc%" as in >someone is eeding yo! a croc% o shit>" act!ally comes rom the screw .ob given to the Mc'onald brothers by $ay 9roc. No" not really. Croc% means an earthenware vessel and its meaning predates $ay 9roc by tho!sands o years and be ore yo! get any bright ideas abo!t the term >croc% pot> it also came abo!t be ore ol+ $ay Mc)!c%ed the b!rger brothers. 3bvio!sly" otherwise it wo!ld be a >9roc pot> irst o all and second o all" who coo%s b!rgers in a croc% pot5 (+m not s!re why yo! need bilaterally symmetrical in%blots in the irst place. A not/ bilateral/at/all snowball thrown against a blac% wall wo!ld wor% .!st as well. #r!th is i yo! want to learn abo!t a s!b.ectJs motivations" perceptions" cognitive operations and response tendencies" all yo! have to do is write a d!mb short story and see what they read into it. ,ell5 +ets ( thin% having a pet is a great way or children to learn abo!t responsibility and commitment. #he irst thing yo! can teach them is that i they b!y a gold ish there is no point in giving it a name. None whatsoever" and i they do they are st!pid. Ma%e this point by yelling vario!s names at the ish in the bowl and then pointing o!t the complete lac% o attention the gold ish gives yo!. Sometimes yo!r yo!ng son or da!ghter will point o!t that even tho!gh ish don+t have ears" they eel so!nd waves as vibrations and that is why yo! sho!ld never tap on their tan%. *o!+ll want to nip this sort o ins!rrection right in b!d. ( wo!ld s!ggest tapping orce !lly on the gold ish+s bowl with a ball peen hammer !ntil s!ch a time as the child is re4!ired to get a large towel to soa% !p the water po!ring o!t all over the loor and something to hold the ish that is now lopping aro!nd on the carpeting. *o! don+t want to waste a val!able teaching moment" so ma%e s!re and rein orce the point that it+s a !c%ing ish so it doesn+t need a name. *o! might try and do the same thing with the old people ( see at the par% sometimes. ( approached one o these gee-ers who spent every a ternoon eeding pigeons and was treated to the ollowing in ormation6 >#he big one over there is named @rey -oy.> ( r!bbed my chin brie ly with a 4!i--ical loo% on my ace and then o ered >No he+s not. 8e+s a !c%ing pigeon.> ( tho!ght or a moment he was p!lling my leg" a man o his years giving a bird a name b!t it 4!ic%ly became clear that he was dead serio!s. 8e loo%ed all o ended. #rying to e=plain mysel a little !rther ( said" >*o! might as well believe that he+s named yo! "ad (uck and every a ternoon he leaves his winged b!ddies with a wave o his wing and tells them he+s o to hang o!t with "ad (uck.> ( also e=plained that sitting in a par% tal%ing to birds is e=actly the %ind o behavior that will get someone o his advancing years an opport!nity to try to convince the g!ards that yo!r pal @rey -oy was able to trac% yo! down at the local n!rsing home. 'o yo! see what (+m getting at5 'ogs have names" cats have names Caltho!gh ( have my s!spicions abo!t catsD and maybe even mon%eys have names. #he point o a name is something that when spo%en ma%es the ob.ect o said name recogni-e yo!+re spea%ing to them and pay yo! some attention Cwhich is why yo! can see ( have my do!bts abo!t

catsD. ( yo! call a ish 'arl he2she is not going to %now his2her name is 'arl which ma%es it a pointless e=ercise. Now some o yo! may arg!e that we give dea people names and they can+t hear shit. 39" ( agree that they can+t hear it b!t other people can hear it and %now who yo!+re tal%ing abo!t. As in the sentence >Somebody get Timmy o!t o the !c%ing driveway be ore he gets r!n over" alreadyE>. ( yo!+re alone with Timmy and want to call him 'an't $ear "hit Cso!nds li%e a good (ndian name to meD then eel ree. K!st watch o!t in case ol+ 'an't $ear "hit can read lips. Some o them are snea%y li%e that. 8ere+s my point. *o! can+t .!st go aro!nd giving animals names beca!se ne=t thing yo! %now yo!+re giving inanimate ob.ects names and then we+ll never %now who the cra-y people are so we can loc% them away. A name is a big deal and the more yo! !se it inappropriately the less val!e it has. ,hy do yo! thin% yo!+re helpless against a demon !nless yo! ig!re o!t his name5 3nce yo! %now his name yo! have him by the metaphysical balls. (+m not even s!re voodoo wor%s !nless yo! %now the victimJs name. ( co!ld be wrong abo!t that" maybe yo! .!st need a loc% o hair or a semen sample or something. ;!t ( digress. A name means something. (n the old days yo! were named a ter a physical eat!re" a amily tradition or what yo! did or a living. (t was important st! . Now yo! have %ids naming their ish a ter their 0rand ather Carl. (s that really what the %id thin%s o his 0rand ather5 #hat he was a mindless" limbless" cold/blooded a4!atic vertebrate5 Now i he secretly hated the man then it might be o% to name the ish 'arl !nder the one condition that he immediately goes o!t and b!ys a large piranha to cons!me 'arl as he cheers it on. ( he then names the piranha tho!gh" we+re bac% to the ball peen hammer sol!tion. K!st watch o!t the %id doesn+t lose a inger p!tting the piranha in a c!p. #he water gets a bit m!ddy when yo! start to give people nic%names they don+t !nderstand or give yo!r own body parts names. (n the case o the ormer (+m not going to allow it !nless the person on the receiving end o the nic%name clearly !nderstands the re erence and agrees to respond to it. (n the latter case ( will allow it as long as yo! !se yo!r real name irst to identi y it" i.e." ;rian Catani+s +onkster. As yo! can see" ( ta%e names very serio!sly. #hat+s the tr!th or my name isn+t Lance Manion. A Minin' Life ( (+m remembering my amily history correctly my great/great/great 0rand ather was a prospector. )or a while anyway. 8e went o!t to Cali ornia bac% in 1<@1 to try his l!c% as a panhandler. 1an in hand he .oined the ran%s o the > orty/niners> and spent a whole year si ting thro!gh riverbeds or gold b!t it seems that he was a complete b!st at it. #his ended !p being not s!ch a bad thing beca!se he then opened a brothel that ended !p delivering more gold than he co!ld have ever o!nd panning in a stream. 8e died a wealthy man" b!t apparently the prospector b!g ran in the amily beca!se his son too% his ort!ne and s!n% it all into a silver mine down the road a bit in 1anamint in 1<F@. Apparently s!ccess in the precio!s metals ind!stry was not in the cards or him either as

the ollowing year the entire town was destroyed in a lash lood. L!c%ily he was o!t visiting relatives in Colorado at the time and was !lly ins!red so the whole thing ended !p being a p!sh. Now his son" sic% o Cali ornia" p!lled !p roots and headed to #e=as in 1X0X to try his hand in the oil b!siness. Spec!lators were po!ring into the state to get in on the petrole!m boom b!t a ter drilling hal a do-en dry holes with no s!ccess he ended !p giving !p his dream o being an oil baron and opened a bar near Spindletop and did 4!ite well or himsel . 8ere+s an interesting act completely !nrelated to my amily tree. #he b!lls that they !se in b!ll ighting aren+t .!st any r!n o the mill b!lls b!t they are act!ally bred on special arms CganaderiasD. ( did not %now that. Anyway" my 0rand ather co!ldn+t wait to get o!t o #e=as and so as soon as he was o legal age he str!c% o!t on his own and headed o!t to #ennessee to open a pearl arm. 8e pic%ed what he tho!ght wo!ld be a nice spot on the #ennessee $iver and r!stled !p as many ,ashboard m!ssels as he co!ld a ord. ,hile other nearby arms prospered" his m!ssels were never !p to the tas% and he was orced to sell the land a ew years later. At a tremendo!s pro it. Apparently they select the b!lls that they !se or b!ll ighting based on their erocity" ighting s%ills and intelligence. *o!ng b!lls are tested to see i they will provide +sport+ or the spectators. 3nly those that show the right st! are !sed or the corrida de toros. Sort o li%e how we select Marines. 3nly the best and brightest. My 'ad" who hated the smell o m!ssels and m!d" once again ell prey to the l!re o mining and headed bac% west to Ke rey City" ,yoming to search or !rani!m. 8is battles with the indigeno!s peoples who were always at odds with !rani!m mining got pretty heated b!t .!st as he was abo!t to get permission to start mining operations the price o !rani!m tan%ed and in 1X<Z he was orced to abandon the idea and instead bo!ght a winning lottery tic%et. Even tho!gh ( was still a %id at the time ( can remember the so!nd he made !pon reading the n!mbers in the newspaper. (t+s !nny" the b!lls are competing to be selected to go into an arena and be sla!ghtered. A ter the + ight+ they are ha!led o!t o the arena and sold by the po!nd in the pla%a de toros. ,hile my ancestry isn+t e=actly a ca!tionary tale" yo! might s!spect that ( wo!ld avoid any type o spec!lation in my career path b!t what can ( say... it+s in the genes. So a ter grad!ating with a ;achelor o Engineering degree and a Masters in Mineral E=ploration ( s!n% my inheritance into a dilapidated coal mine in ,est :irginia. My research had shown little in the way o evidence that ( co!ld ret!rn it to prosperity b!t my g!t was telling me otherwise. And s!re eno!gh there was no coal there. None whatsoever. ;!t what there was" was .er%y and plenty o it. ( had hit the biggest vein o .er%y in ?nited States history. Now it is a common misconception that .er%y comes rom meat b!t that co!ldn+t be !rther rom the tr!th. Ker%y comes rom deep !ndergro!nd" the prod!ct o the same orces that give !s so many o o!r precio!s metals. >Ker%i ication"> the combination o compaction" heat and time" trans orms decaying plant parts and animal corpses into the delicio!s taste treat we cons!me today. 3nce word spread abo!t my

+stri%e+ the phones haven+t stopped ringing. #he boys rom Slim Kim" 3berto and Kac% Lin%s all want a piece o me now. Meanwhile bac% on the arm" the b!lls that didn+t show m!ch promise spend their days gra-ing and breeding while the strongest head o to +the show.+ 3bvio!sly both gro!ps are !naware o this irony b!t (+m s!re it has crossed the mind o a ew Marines as they h!rl themselves into whatever ray their s!periors have pic%ed o!t or them. ( %now it has crossed mine a ew times. As ( sit on the loor and read to my son ( have to wonder i he+ll end !p ta%ing any o the stories ( am telling him abo!t roc%et ships and heroes and rare gems and bad g!ys and asteroid mining to heart. $elco*e to Boli&ia 8ere is the danger o as%ing someone i they are o%. Sometimes they say no. #al% abo!t a single word that brings everything to a screeching halt. 3r it sho!ld anyway. ;eing a veteran o this answer ( might screech a little b!t ( %now not to halt. 8alting is a very bad idea. (n act" yo! might say that the !tterance o that reply o ten brings me to a screeching gallop. Can yo! blame me5 (s there anything worse than having a 4!ic% s!per icial 4!estion answered in s!ch a way that yo!+re e=pected to clear yo!r social calendar or the ne=t ho!r and listen to the problems o some n!t .ob as i yo! can act!ally do anything to help5 >S!re Charlie" tell me all abo!t yo!r dead A!nt and (+m s!re (+ll have her !p and wal%ing abo!t in no timeE> yo! want to e=claim. No matter what yo! o er !p they are going to immediately co!nter that they already tho!ght o that and it is completely not going to help in any way at all. (nstead o scrambling to come !p with another sol!tion my brain !s!ally immediately wants to pass along the ollowing opinionA >well then yo!+re !c%ed aren+t yo!5> And the whole time yo! can eel the min!tes and ho!rs o yo!r li e draining away as they go on abo!t whatever ill it is that has be allen them. 8ere is the thing. ( yo! as% anyone i they are o%" and they answer tr!th !lly" they are going to say no. Nobody is o%. #hat+s why we don+t want to hear itE No matter what their circ!mstance" i we loo% closely eno!gh into their eyes we can see a re lection o o!rselves. Maybe that e=plains why ( always messed !p that 4!ote >the eyes are the windows to the so!l> in my head. ( swear ( tho!ght it was >the eyes are the mirror to the so!l>. $eading that bac% ( can+t help b!t eel st!pidA obvio!sly" that ma%es no sense whatsoever. ,ell" no sense o!tside the point that ( was originally trying to ma%e. (n that conte=t it s!ddenly seems brilliant. ( we spend eno!gh time with the hapless creat!re that was r!de eno!gh to answer o!r innocent 4!estion honestly then we reali-e that the only thing separating !s rom whatever malady that is in licting this poor bastard is timing. Clint Eastwood has that great line in ?n orgiven6 >,e all have it coming %id.> And we all %now it. So why not answer their reply with sympathy" yo! might as%. Now be ore ( immediately

become g!ilty o the very same gainsay that ( complained abo!t at the end o the second paragraph let me loo% at it a bit rom yo!r angle. (+m ass!ming that yo! reali-e that sympathy won+t act!ally help" b!t does that act act!ally ma%e the o ering !p o said sympathy that m!ch more meaning !l5 Sort o li%e the emotional e4!ivalent o ;!tch and S!ndance r!nning o!t to meet the ;olivian army. 8mmmm. (nteresting point. ;!t what is the end res!lt other than a ew min!tes o yo!r li e that yo!+re not going to get bac%5 (n act" wasted time is soon to become everybody+s biggest reason to say they+re not o%" so is it sel ish to want a little bang or yo!r b!c%5 ;ottom line is it didn+t seem to wor% o!t so well or ;!tch and S!ndance. ,e all %now the correct answer to the 4!estion o >are yo! o%5> is yes. (t+s part o the social contract we conscio!s entities have managed to hammer o!t amongst o!rselves. So ne=t time someone as%s yo! and yo! want to all to yo!r %nees with yo!r hands o!tstretched and wail >NoE> with all the angst yo! can m!ster ta%e a min!te and thin% it over. Nothing they are going to say will help. 9eep a tight grip on the wheel lest yo! remind them or yo!rsel that we all have it coming. 395 )ea# Econo*ists Societ ,hen ( was irst as%ed to be a s!bstit!te teacher at a prestigio!s boysJ school in Massach!setts" Economics 101 was to be my s!b.ect matter. ( g!ess ( was e=pecting a more open/minded approach to learning than what was demonstrated d!ring my brie ten!re there. 8ere+s what happened" ( have le t nothing o!t and ( will let yo! be the .!dge. 9nowing ( had only a wee% to improve the lives o my yo!ng charges" ( %new ( had not a moment to lose so the irst thing ( did was march them all o!t into a heavy rain and had them wal% aro!nd in a circle !ntil they began to learn a little something abo!t the dangers o con ormity / and the chill that can be provided by a cold March downpo!r in ;oston. As ( wal%ed bac% in with my wet p!pils some o the other instr!ctors raised a ew eyebrows in my direction b!t ( pretended not to notice. A ter class" thro!gh chattering teeth" one o my st!dents shared with me that he might be interested in p!rs!ing a mar%eting degree as opposed to the economics degree that his ather had planned o!t or him. ( simply advised that he let his heart dictate s!ch decisions and le t it at that. #he ollowing day ( arranged or the class to spend the ho!r %ic%ing soccer balls while 4!oting amo!s economists. *o! %now the sort6 >All the perple=ities" con !sion and distress in America arise not rom de ects in their Constit!tion or Con ederation" nor rom want o honor or virt!e" so m!ch as downright ignorance o the nat!re o coin" credit" and circ!lation.> And then the %id wo!ld wallop the ball" the sense o wonder abo!t economics illing his so!l. >#he trade o the petty !s!rer is hated with most reason6 it ma%es a pro it rom c!rrency itsel " instead o ma%ing it rom the process which c!rrency was meant to serve. #heir common characteristic is obvio!sly their sordid avarice.> ,ith that the p!pil lays into the ball and sprints toward the common goal in a very e=!berant and poignant ashion. >1rotectionism is a misnomer. #he only people protected by tari s" 4!otas and trade restrictions are those engaged in !neconomic and

waste !l activity. )ree trade is the only philosophy compatible with international peace and prosperity.> ( thin% yo! get the dri t by now ... i only the boys had. #hey seemed to progressively lose interest with every additional 4!otation. ,hereas (+d imagined them leaping and bo!nding abo!t as they illed the net with ball a ter ball and inally scooping me !p in their enth!siasm and r!nning along with me in their cl!tches !ntil their legs gave o!t" ( saw none o this anticipated behavior. (nstead" a ter a inal line rom ;ill ;onner ( was orced to herd them bac% inside and call the whole thing a reso!nding ail!re. Stronger meas!res were evidently in order. #he ne=t day ( chose the 4!ietest boy in the classroom and as%ed" >1lease t!rn to the introd!ction o yo!r boo% 1rinciples o Economics by Al red Marshall" 1h.'.> '!ti !lly he lipped open his boo% and began to read alo!d. >#o !lly !nderstand economics" we m!st be l!ent with the 4!antity o a good s!pplied and the 4!antity o a good demanded. ( " !sing a standard graphical representation" we p!t price on the vertical a=is and 4!antity on the hori-ontal a=is it is relatively simple to chart the changes in the demand as the price> ... ( stopped him there. >E=crement. #hat+s what ( thin% o Mr. Al red Marshall.> #he boys all loo%ed !p as one at me. ( contin!ed. >,e+re not laying pipe. ,e+re tal%ing abo!t economics. Now" ( want yo! to rip o!t that page. 0o on"> ( enco!raged >$ip o!t the entire page. *o! heard me. $ip it o!tE> #he so!nds o the te=tboo% being savaged by eager yo!ng hands had my blood co!rsing thro!gh my veins at a brea%nec% pace. >0entlemen" tell yo! what. 'on+t .!st tear o!t that page" tear o!t the entire introd!ction. ( want it gone. 8istory. ;e gone" Al red MarshallE 9eep ripping" gentlemenE> As the last ew pages dri ted slowly to the loor beneath each des% ( gest!red or the boys to get !p and h!ddle aro!nd me. >#his is a battle. A war. And the cas!alties co!ld be yo!r hearts and so!ls. Armies o academics going orward" meas!ring cons!mption and prod!ction.> ( bro!ght them closer" my ace only inches away rom theirs. >,e don+t st!dy economics beca!se we thin% it+s c!te" we st!dy economics beca!se we are members o a cons!mer c!lt!re. And the cons!mer c!lt!re is illed with ac4!isitiveness. #o 4!ote Kohn 9enneth 0albraith +Economics is e=tremely !se !l as a orm o employment or economists.J> 3nly my !t!re mar%eting ma.or seemed to !nderstand. A ter class he in ormed me that he approached his 'ad abo!t switching his oc!s to mar%eting and away rom economics and was told in no !ncertain terms that he+d be doing no s!ch thing. 8e was very disheartened by this. #he ollowing day ( bro!ght the boys o!t into the hall to loo% at some o the old pict!res o ormer grad!ating classes. Most o the time was spent la!ghing at the bad sideb!rns and short gym shorts they chose to wear b!t as we were wrapping !p o!t little to!r ( had them ga-e !pon the Class o 1XF<. >#hey+re not that di erent rom yo!" are they5 (nvincible" .!st li%e yo! eel. #he world is their oyster. #hey believe they+re destined or great things" .!st li%e many o yo!. #heir

eyes are !ll o hope" .!st li%e yo!. 'id they wait !ntil it was too late to ma%e rom their lives even one iota o what they were capable5 ;eca!se" yo! see" gentlemen" those boys are now selling ins!rance" engaging in a!dits and designing new and more absorbent toilet tiss!es. ;!t i yo! listen real close" yo! can hear them whisper their legacy to yo!. 0o on" lean in. Listen. 'o yo! hear it5> #hey leaned in e=pectantly. >'a*eat emptor.> ( whispered reverently. At the start ( told yo! (+d tell yo! everything and let yo! be the .!dge. Act!ally" .!ry wo!ld have been a better word. *o! see" !pon hearing abo!t the ather that wasn+t going to let his son p!rs!e his dreams o leaving economics behind and pl!nging headlong into the mar%eting game ( got so distra!ght that ( ig!red ( wo!ld do the only h!mane thing le t to do so ( bro%e into the st!dentJs ho!se later that night and shot him. Sitting here in the 4!iet o my cell ( can still here the tort!red cries o his 'ad when he heard the shot and came and o!nd him. S!ch a senseless tragedy. Now ( have s!pplied my story and society at large has demanded .!stice" ( g!ess all there is le t to do is or yo! to ma%e !p yo!r mind abo!t right and wrong and hand down yo!r verdict. ;e ore yo! reach any concl!sions tho!gh" ( as% yo! to spend some time standing on yo!r des% or table or bed and loo%ing at things rom a di erent perspective. #hen stand there aw%wardly as the m!sic plays and then the scene ades to blac%. #han% yo!. hi++est blo' e&er< Now someone reading a blog might ind it odd that the a!thor o that blog wo!ld mention the act that his prostate is swollen to the si-e o an engorged" orange/ lesh honeydew. #he reader might ind that this isnJt 7hip+ eno!gh or them. #o this end ( eel ( m!st o er two important points to co!nter this perception. )irst" what is not widely %now is that orange/ lesh honeydews are also %now as temptation melons. (s there anything more hip than temptation5 ( didnJt thin% so. And" second" i yo! are going to write a blog yo! have to be able to write. Anyone can describe an enlarged prostate. *o!r novice blogger might compare it to a 7melon.J Strictly amate!r ho!r. ( went with orange/ lesh honeydew and ( stand behind that decision. ,hatJs more" to ma%e it even more hip ( added engorged. #hereJs a word that screams partyE So whatJs not hip abo!t an enlarged prostate5 (Jll tell yo!. ;!t ma%e s!re yo! donJt plan on eating or a while. So yo!Jd thin%" based on ;erno!lliJs 1rinciple" that the more swollen my prostate got" the narrower my !rethra wo!ld get and the aster my low o !rine wo!ld be. Ass!ming that ( was standing and the viscosity o my !rine remained a constant" thatJs what ( tho!ght as well.

,rong. #otally wrong. Month a ter month (Jve seen it start to slow down. ( even ran the n!mbers" ass!ming that the length o my t!bing Ch f 1mD was abo!t B eet Ctoo m!ch5D and my penis hole was abo!t 1 cm Ctoo m!ch5DW CA f pig$h2 f pi2Z cmh2 f F.<E/@ mh2 f 0.0000F< mh2.D g f X.< m2sh2 so v f s4rt C2gX.< m2sh2g1mD f Z.ZB m2s. )inally Y f Av f F.<E/@ mh2gZ.ZB m2s f B.Z@E/Z mhB2s f BZ@ cmhB2s. *o! can see that this clearly s!pports my reasoning on the topic o peeing press!reE And yet my low is all over the !c%ing place. Not only does this means that ( am s!ddenly that g!y in the )loma= commercials" getting !p in the middle o night with that irritated loo% on my ace" b!t there is an even dar%er side to it. Something yo! donJt see in the commercials. Something yo! co!ld never see in the commercials or it is that shoc%ing. (t was only a l!%e that ( even saw it. ( was starting my typical day in the bathroom" dealing with my wea% stream and all when the light shone thro!gh the window at e=actly the right angle to see the problem. A ter showering" ( immediately ran to my chal%board to see i ( co!ld ig!re o!t what ( had .!st witnessed. And there it was. So clear a child prodigy co!ld have seen it. ( wasnJt ta%ing into acco!nt the t!rb!lence created by my internal swellingE Add the s!r ace/tension o yo!r standard depth toilet bowl and there it was e=plained witho!t a shadow o a do!bt. Every time ( was pissing ( was creating an almost imperceptible cascade o !rine particles splashing bac% !p on my bare legs. (nstead o a strong steady torrent o piss" which %eeps the splatter e ect to a minim!m" ( was dripping and dribbling my way to a post/piss !rine gloss on my leg hairs that rivaled the e ect o a ride on Splash Mo!ntain. ( the s!n hadnJt str!c% the piss/mist in .!st the right way ( wo!ld have never noticed it at all. Now the !nwanted leg l!ster is all ( can notice. ;!t" rate o !rine discharge aside" tell me that pissing on mysel every day isnJt !c%ing hip. ( bet even #!c%er Ma= doesnJt piss on himsel as m!ch as ( do. #he only sol!tions to my problem" short o act!ally ta%ing )loma= and becoming one o them" is to increase the si-e o my pee hole. Math tells !s that do!bling the si-e o the hole will increase the low rate by 1[ times Cass!ming" o co!rse" that we %eep the depth o the toilet water constantDE *o!Jre going to sit there and tell me that yo!Jve ever read a blog that is more hip than a writer e=plaining why he has to do!ble the si-e o his pee hole5E $eady or the big inish5 #he prostate gland stores and secretes a l!id that ma%es !p part o the seminal l!id that constit!tes semen. (t also has some m!scles in it that help to e=pel the l!id d!ring e.ac!lation. :ery hip.

Fa&orite T$eets.
A ghost isn+t as scary a ter yo! hear one art. Sort o h!mani-es them. ,hen (+m done spea%ing yo! can be s!re (+ve said a mo!thload. *o! hear this advice all the timeA .!st be yo!rsel . Easy or them to say. 8ave yo! seen mysel 5 ( we+re honest abo!t it most o o!r headstones wo!ld read +'('N+# )?C9 EN3?08.+ )arr l the )uc( ,hen little )ran%ie was given the assignment o ta%ing home a d!c% egg and ma%ing s!re it was %ept warm and sa e over a wee%end he too% it very serio!sly. ;oth his parents and his teacher were shoc%ed at the attention he paid it and the great lengths he went to ens!re that it was ret!rned to school the ollowing Monday not only in one piece b!t spotless. A mother tiger doesn+t dote on her c!bs as m!ch as )ran%ie loo%ed a ter his egg. Altho!gh !n!s!al" or the policy is very clear on these matters" the school act!ally allowed )ran%ie to ta%e home the d!c%ling a ter it hatched d!e to the positive in l!ence it seemed to have on him. (t was )ran%ie+s irst pet and that irst night he went to bed right ne=t to the inc!bator .!st so his new riend wo!ldn+t be lonely. #he ne=t day he named his pet d!c% 'arryl and the two o them seemed inseparable. ( that isn+t oreshadowing" ( don+t %now what is. *o!+re not s!re which direction this story is headed b!t yo!+re certain it+s going to arrive there pretty 4!ic%ly. #he ne=t day )ran%ie was showing 'arryl to his riends when one o them accidently stepped on him. (t was" o co!rse" an accident born rom the e=citement o yo!ng boys crowding aro!nd a new pet and all parties elt terrible b!t as his riend+s oot came down on 'arryl+s head there was a slight b!t de initely not ina!dible cr!nching noise" despite the orgiving nat!re o the grass beneath him" that seemed to come rom the neighborhood o 'arryl+s s%!ll and wo!ld seem to play a noteworthy role in the !t!re o said d!c%. )ran%ie scooped him !p and at irst all seemed to be well as 'arryl seemed to sha%e it o li%e a trooper b!t )ran%ie was immediately convinced that the certain twin%le that had been in his pet+s eye since he o!ght his way o!t o his eggshell was now e=ting!ished. A theory given more credence when later that night )ran%ie le t 'arryl alone in the batht!b to have a little swim only to ret!rn a ew min!tes later to ind him !pside down in the water. L!c%ily a ew p!shes on the chest area had the d!c%ling spewing orth a modest 4!antity o water and spl!ttering and other things d!c%s do when they have !ne=pectedly vent!red bac% rom the other side. 'arryl had had 4!ite the day. A ter the chaos o res!scitation settled down" 'arryl seemed to have no interest in his ood. #he only thing that )ran%ie co!ld get him to eat was bread cr!mbs rom the chic%en tenders he had o ered !p in desperation. #hen 'arryl ell asleep. 3n his bac%. )ran%ie loo%ed it !p online and o!nd that d!c%s don+t sleep on their bac% b!t there his d!c%ling was reclined and o!t li%e a light. #he ne=t day )ran%ie tho!ght resh air sho!ld be at the top o the men! and wo!ld do

them both some good. 3!t they vent!red to a nearby ield" bat and glove in hand" to en.oy some s!nshine and baseball. )ran%ie too% great pains to position 'arryl ar away rom the action b!t as ate wo!ld have it the same boy that had stepped on his head a day earlier hit a cra-y o!l ball that h!rtled with no delay straight at o!r !n ort!nate water owl. ,here moments be ore stood a noble" albeit small" yellow d!c% there was nothing b!t a ew tiny eathers loating grace !lly to earth. #o ind the inal resting place o the d!c% in 4!estion" yo!r eyes wo!ld have to ollow the path o the baseball. 8aving done that yo! wo!ld ind a small pale l!mp abo!t hal way between the descending down and the baseball which had come to rest abo!t B0 or so eet away. ( yo! were to have said that the ball had gotten all o 'arryl yo! wo!ldn+t be overstating it. )ran%ie was aghast and the boy who had twice in two days damaged the hero o o!r tale was inconsolable. As one the boys sprinted to what they ass!med wo!ld be the corpse o a small d!c%" b!t instead o!nd 'arryl str!ggling to his eet. A great cry arose and 'arryl was hoisted !p amongst lo!d cheers and passed aro!nd and twice dropped as the boys eagerly praised his resilience. 'ay B. #he neighbor+s cat got a hold o 'arryl. )ran%ie was loo%ing high and low or his riend in his living room when he happened to loo% o!tside and see him in the mo!th o 1eaches" the $!ssian ;l!e who lived ne=t door. ( don+t have to tell yo! his reaction. ,ell ( g!ess technically spea%ing ( do. ( sho!ld have said that yo! can probably g!ess his reaction" which wo!ld have been m!ch less con !sing. Anyway" )ran%ie strea%ed o!tside and chased 1eaches !p the largest tree in his ront yard. 8igh !p into the tree. Li%e tippy/ top high. Standing at the right angle and craning his nec% in .!st the right way he tho!ght he co!ld ma%e o!t the o!tline o the cat amongst the assorted leaves and limbs. Y!ic%ly doing what any boy wo!ld do in that sit!ation" he started to h!rl roc%s in the general direction o the !rry d!c%napper !ntil he saw one roc% ind its way to the target where!pon 1eaches let go o his pri-e with a screech and )ran%ie watched 'arryl t!mble down the tree" care !l to hit and ricochet o o every large branch in his path" and then in a da--ling display o hand/to/eye coordination the panic%ed boy was almost able to catch him be ore he hit the gro!nd. #his time there were at least three distinct cr!nching noises. 3ne o which co!ld be written o as the so!nd a d!c% ma%es when it lands hal on an acorn b!t the other two were de initely ca!ses or concern. )ran%ie scooped !p his pet and ga-ed lovingly into his eyes. 'arryl on the other hand wo!ld have given him a >Are yo! !c%ing %idding me5 (s every day going to be li%e this5> loo% i he had been conscio!s. )ran%ie was now the pro!d owner o a d!c% that s!n%. 8e o!nd this o!t as he washed him o and his pet once again .oined him in the territory o the awa%e and aware. 'arryl loo%ed aro!nd" shoo% his little wings and then wal%ed o his owner+s hand and promptly s!n% to the bottom o the t!b. 8ere+s the thing" at this point in the story ( am really torn abo!t whether to end it with 'arryl having a riding mower pass over him only to waddle away !nscathed and tri!mphant or having him" thro!gh some hilario!s happenstance" ride a s%ateboard into a sewer grate and drop down to a certain ate o being eaten by either a rat or a sna%e.

(ndecision is always a red lag or !s pro essional writers and ( now recogni-e a atal law in the storytelling" which is why ( am not s!re how to wrap it !p. #he perspective was all wrong. As c!te as this saga might be" e=actly how c!te depending Cas is !s!ally the case with these thingsD on yo!r imagination" it absol!tely sho!ld have been written rom the d!c%Js point o view. A third person acco!nt was both predictable and beneath a pro essional writer s!ch as mysel . Now ( reali-e that this revelation means having to start it all over again and rewrite it and that+s .!st not going to happen so it+s now !p to yo! to decide whether or not to p!t in the necessary time and energy to restart it rom the beginning b!t rom a d!c%/centric viewpoint and ill in the necessary gaps or .!st c!rse me lo!dly or wasting yo!r time and move on. ( can+t really complain i yo! abandon it b!t ( wo!ld be interested to %now which ending yo! chose le t to yo!r own devices. #ry it" yo!+ll probably be sorry. true coura'e (t wasn+t !ntil ( was watching &ld "chool or the 100th time that it hit me what tr!e co!rage was. #here was a scene where )ran% #he #an%" master !lly portrayed by ,ill )errell" wal%s o!t onto his porch holding a blow/!p doll and as%s his riends which o!t it he sho!ld adorn her withA n!rse or cheerleader. #here was no shame" there was no embarrassment W .!st a man as%ing advice on his se= toy. #hat+s when it really san% in. (+ve never had se= with a doll. (+ve never even considered it. ,hy5 ;eca!se ( co!ld never b!y one. ( remember in high school nearly passing o!t on my way to the co!nter with condoms. #hose B0 eet seemed li%e a mile. A mile o passing by everybody ( %new and anyone who had ever met my parents. (+m not s!re why there wasn+t any pride involved" s!rely by b!ying condoms ( was telling the world that ( was getting some" right5 ;!t" no. ;eca!se it involved se= it was one o the most di ic!lt p!rchases ( wo!ld ever have to ma%e. ( can+t imagine wal%ing into an ad!lt boo%store" loo%ing thro!gh their selection o prod!cts" and then t!c%ing an in latable doll !nder my arms and striding towards the co!nter. (t is so ar beyond my comprehension it+s li%e imaging landing a .etliner" doing open/heart s!rgery or en.oying a 1aris 8ilton interview. My ew trips into ad!lt boo%stores were spent watching the other people in the ad!lt boo%store and avoiding them watching me in the ad!lt boo%store. #he last thing ( was going to do is loo% at any o the maga-ines and ris% getting an erection in p!blic. Apparently" (+m a pr!de. 1erhaps se= with an in latable doll is awesome and (+ve been missing o!t on a whole dimension o satis action. (t+s time to do some homewor%. Now %eep in mind that beca!se ( 0oogled +se= toys+ (+m going to have to destroy my comp!ter hard drive and switch internet service providers to cover my trac%s when (+m done here. Anyone who thin%s that the government isn+t trac%ing every perv that visits these websites is ooling themselvesE ( ( had time ( wo!ld have driven down to the library to do this b!t (+m a raid little X year old Sally wo!ld wal% !p behind me as ( was scrolling thro!gh and (+d end !p having to e=plain mysel to the police W again. 39" so ar so good. (+ve p!lled the blinds" !npl!gged the phone and loc%ed all the doors. 8mmm W a vibrating an!s. *o! don+t say. $otating mo!th action. Apparently there have

been some ma.or brea%thro!ghs in the material they !se as well. >Senso> W so t AN' stretchyE 8ere+s one that has blonde horse hair" and ( was worried abo!t them not being realisticE ,ait .!st a sec" they have some with painted ingernails. $eal girls have painted ingernailsE (+m almost sold. Now here is one with an air p!mp" it doesn+t really go into why" b!t (+m intrig!ed. )or those with a mechanical etish there+s one that comes with its own repair %it. #hat will save an embarrassing trip to hardware storeE 8old on" hold everything W now (+m seeing something abo!t a brea%thro!gh called >cyber/s%in> that eels even more li%e the real thing. #hen ( o!nd her. #he )atty 1atty 'oll. Large and in charge. #hree colossal love holes. Z eet X inches tall. @@ inch chest and a whopping BX inch waist. Connected po!ch/type vagina. Sel esteem sold separately" .!st li%e college. #he best part5 #hey will mail her right to me. #here+s no need to ma%e the +wal% o shame+ into the ad!lt boo%storeE ( hate to admit it" especially a ter yo!+ve been so patient reading all this" b!t ( don+t thin% even i ( had it with me right now ( co!ld bring mysel to !se it. $eally. Maybe ( AM a pr!de b!t (+m not s!re ( co!ld bring mysel to have se= with a doll. Even i ( was alone ( thin% (+d be too sel /conscio!s. (t might eel great and ( may even be able to close my eyes and pretend to some degree" b!t ( thin% that i ( did achieve +li t o + with my r!bber partner that ( wo!ld then have to blow my own head o as opposed to live the rest o my li e %nowing ( mo!nted something that re4!ired batteries Cand then had to clean it o 2!p2o!tD. (s that wrong5 ,hat happens in the near !t!re when there are se=y robots that appear completely realistic5 ,ill ( miss o!t on the !n beca!se o some strange psychological hang/!p5 1robably" b!t am ( the only one that sees the potential problems that come with +rotating mo!th action+5 Somehow that screams embarrassing trip the emergency room or at least the ris% o severe abrasions where (+d least li%e to receive severe abrasions. All ( %now is that soon :irt!al Sl!t 20@0 is aro!nd the corner and when that day comes )ran% #he #an% will be the irst in line at $adio Shac% to b!y one. #8A#" my riends" is tr!e co!rage. Wei'hin' in at = an# a half ounces< 0ary wo!ld be the irst to admit that he was a little bit too competitive or his own good. 0iven the act that he was a ormer pro essional wrestler yo! wo!ld" o co!rse" .!mp to the concl!sion that this story will involve wrestling. (t does not. ;!t .!st to clari y" he had earned money while wrestling b!t had never made it to the big time. 8e spent years wrestling on the !ndergro!nd circ!itA small a!ditori!ms" gyms and bars mostly. 'espite all the stitches and conc!ssions he was never as%ed to wrestle at the ne=t level. 8e inally retired rom the +sport+ to oc!s on his +career+ at the recycling plant. ( he sho!ld ever read this he will be !ndecided abo!t what set o apostrophes pisses him o more. ;!t as ( said" this story does not involve wrestling. ;!t it does involve the same competitive nat!re that he showed in the ring. 8e was slo!ched across his B/piece sectional at home with his enormo!s body that clearly co!ld have !sed a Z/piece" watching #:. )lipping thro!gh the channels he o!nd a nat!re program and settled in or a bit o wholesome and enlightening programming. 8e had a

snac% and a drin% and all was well with the world. ?ntil the narrator .!st co!ldn+t stop going on and on abo!t the Star/Nosed Mole. At irst 0ary watched ascinated as the program showed the !gly little g!y b!rrowing away with his ace that loo%ed li%e his ass. 'etails abo!t his digging prowess were shared and time and again the 22 pin% appendages that ma%e !p his nose were mentioned and praised. #he inger/li%e tentacles at the end o the sno!t are covered with appro=imately 2@"000 tiny to!ch receptors %nown as EimerJs organs" which are !sed to identi y ood. #he mole can to!ch 1B separate areas o the gro!nd every second with these bad boys and locate and cons!me < separate prey items in !nder 2 seconds. >*o!+re still a revolting rodent"> 0ary said between hand !ls o $it- ;its 1ean!t ;!tter crac%ers. (t showed the mole wal%ing aro!nd loo%ing or worms. All o a s!dden his nose wo!ld sni one o!t and then he+d grab the hapless worm who tho!ght he was sa ely hidden in the soil and start chowing down. Maybe it was beca!se his own bo= o crac%ers was getting low and he didn+t want to get !p and get another or maybe it was beca!se the narrator had pointed o!t that the + ingers+ o the Star/Nose were [ times as sensitive as a the h!man hand" b!t whatever it was 0ary had had eno!gh. 8e closed his eyes and started to eel thro!gh what was le t o the crac%ers at the bottom o the bo= to ind the ones that still had 2 crac%ers with pean!t b!tter between them. 8e hated to eat .!st a single plain crac%er and i he had a single that was covered in pean!t b!tter the whole crac%er/to/pean!t/b!tter ration was thrown o . 8is ingers" thic% as they were" danced thro!gh the assorted crac%ers and every ew seconds identi ied an intact crac%er and bro!ght it 4!ic%ly to his mo!th. )or some reason this illed him with a great amo!nt o pride. #he narrator was e=plaining all abo!t #heodor Eimer" the 0erman -oologist who irst described these incredible tentacles in 1<F1. K!st as 0ary was abo!t to rela= he heard the voice on #: veer away s!ddenly rom #eddy and ret!rn to the b!siness o e=tolling the virt!es o the Star/Nose+s nose. Apparently researchers have o!nd that a ter to!ching a small piece o ood it ta%es them only 2B0 milliseconds to identi y it as edible and eat it. 0ary %new that the bo= at his side contained no more whole crac%er sandwiches. ,hat was le t was only the single crac%ers" some with pean!t b!tter and some witho!t. 8e wondered why" i the mole was so wonder !l" nobody %new abo!t them and the mole was relegated to some lame nat!re program on a channel nobody watches. 8e closed his eyes and pl!nged his hand bac% into the bo=" trying to eel each crac%er to identi y i it held pean!t b!tter on one side or was simply sitting in the bo= pean!t b!tter/ less. Care !lly he o!nd one o each and made his own pean!t b!tter sandwich. Nothing else e=isted e=cept his ingers and the crac%ers and this tas%. 8e was blind and h!ngry and soon it came easier or him. Event!ally the bo= was completely empty with not a single crac%er le t !nacco!nted or. >( co!ld have been a mole"> he said with some satis action.

)ennis ;eca!se ( %now the ending o this story" ( can tell yo! now it+s not going to be as !nny as ( tho!ght it might be as ( was living it o!t. At the beginning ( was carried away with the possibilities as they !n olded beca!se at the beginning ( was an idiot. 3blivio!s to the e=istential rami ications o a seemingly holistic and innocent act o high spirits and a can/ do attit!de. (+ll try to start at the top b!t yo!+ll orgive me i ( .!mp aro!nd a bit. 8onestly" (+m not even s!re how (+m going to ma%e it to the end beca!se in my head this is one o those stories that is ar too tr!e to end. ( really do try to be honest when (+m writing and sometimes it ends !p !nny and other times it s!c%s and ( can+t help b!t eel i ( stay within the sti ling con ines o honesty that this one might s!c% a lot. (+ll s%ip the bac%/story abo!t how ( ended !p at a storage a!ction beca!se otherwise this short story will end !p a novel. Act!ally" i ( were ever to have the !rge to sit and bang o!t a Z00 page boo% ( thin% this wo!ld be as good a story as (+m going to get" b!t ( can+t be bothered so (+ll .!st s%ip ahead to the good parts. ( was at a storage a!ction. )or those that don+t %now" these are held when someone stops paying or their rental space2loc%er so the storage acility p!ts o!t a p!blic notice and a b!nch o v!lt!res who own secondhand shops and thri t stores swarm in and bid on the contents. #here are a b!nch o reality shows o!t now that romantici-e the proceedings b!t witho!t the editing and dramatic m!sic it+s really 4!ite a depressing collection o people blindly bidding on stac%s o d!sty bo=es in the hope that b!ried somewhere within them is something worth selling. 3 co!rse" my riend didn+t pitch the idea o attending in 4!ite this way so ( agreed to go and chec% it o!t. ( bo!ght a loc%er. #he last one o the day. ( was the last bidder and then silence. ( don+t %now why b!t ( .!st shot my hand !p and won the damn thing. At the time it seemed hysterical. ,e both had driven there in minivans so we were act!ally able to load all o the bo=es into them and head bac% to my place or the big reveal. ( have to admit ( was a bit giddy at what might l!r% within the vario!s bo=es and !n!s!ally large n!mber o d! el bags. ,ho owns 10 large d! el bags5 As ( write this yo! can probably tell my tone has improved and yo!+re waiting or some !nny st! to !n old as a res!lt o the p!rchase o said contents o the storage loc%er. ( eel it as well beca!se (+m orgetting or a moment how this ends and remembering how ( got all ca!ght !p in the e=citement o it. ,hen ( got home my riend and ( !nloaded all o the bo=es and bags onto the ront lawn and decided to go thro!gh everything thoro!ghly .!st li%e they do on the #: shows. ,e .o%ed abo!t the possibility o the bags containing severed heads or cocaine and we circled them or a ew min!tes" almost hesitant abo!t beginning. 3ver the ne=t @ ho!rs we o!nd o!t that these were the belongings o a g!y named 'ennis. 8e had died Z months be orehand and that e=plained why the storage loc%er had been !p or a!ction in the irst place. ,e o!nd o!t he died rom 0oogle" a ter we learned every damn thing abo!t him which obvio!sly incl!ded his name and where he was rom. 8ere is where !nny and s!c%s parted ways. 8e had been @F when he passed away" he

was somewhat mentally handicapped and spent years wor%ing at a grocery store. ,e %new this beca!se he had %ept his time cards and the hat he had worn to wor%. 8e had been married or awhile b!t his wi e had le t him. ,e o!nd this o!t reading the pain !l letters and cards he had %ept. 8e had spent the last years o his li e in a gro!p home. 8e was so !c%ing h!man it was bea!ti !l" there were m!ltiple bo=es illed with a mi= o bibles and vario!s religio!s material sitting right on top o a breathta%ing collection o hardcore porn. )or awhile when we were separating things into what we were going to throw o!t and what we were going to %eep we act!ally p!t them in di erent bags b!t then agreed that it was m!ch more appropriate to throw them o!t together. #hey had been partners or years so it seemed cr!el to ma%e them split !p at the very end. (t was a heartbrea%ing ive ho!rs. 0oing thro!gh all that was le t o somebody on this earth was br!tal. 'ennis even provided !s with a moment right o!t o the movie "eDen when we o!nd noteboo% a ter notepad illed with lists o everything that had appeared on Y:C or wee%s at a time. Every item and every price. 8is handwriting was neat and deliberate and to thin% o him sitting in ront o a #: writing down this st! or what m!st have been months was so creepy that there was absol!tely nothing !nny abo!t it. (+m not s!re how the people in the #: shows do it. )or the record" 'ennis had an ama-ing collection o old records and Elvis memorabilia that when we sell it will ma%e !s literally tho!sands o dollars. As ( only paid ]200 or the loc%er yo!+d thin% this wo!ld ill me with an !n4!enchable enth!siasm or going and b!ying another loc%er" b!t ( swear i ( co!ld do it all again ( wo!ld have %ept my hand down and .!st wal%ed away empty/handed. #hrowing o!t the clothes and toiletries and ban% statements and ramed pict!res and !nbelievably large n!mber o calc!lators and wallets Capparently it m!st have been hard to ind that special gi t or 'ennisD belonging to somebody yo! never met and yo! %now yo!+ll never meet is hard. Loo%ing o!t at the end o yo!r driveway and seeing it all waiting to be pic%ed !p by the garbage men the ne=t morning is br!tal. 8oo%ing !p the old :C$ wasn+t too di ic!lt. 'eciding to watch a video we o!nd o his Z0th birthday party seemed only nat!ral" a nice way to pay o!r respects. ,atching the video o his Z0th birthday party was s!rreal and despite the nervo!s la!ghter as the characters that made !p his li e were introd!ced one by one we both elt the %not in o!r stomachs orming. ,e watched every min!te" a whole !c%ing ho!r o it beca!se to t!rn it o somehow seemed !nconscionable. ,e booed and hissed when his at whore o a wi e appeared with him" we %new how it wo!ld t!rn o!t" altho!gh at the time 'ennis himsel was bliss !lly !naware" b!t we also cho%ed !p when they %issed as ;arry Manilow sang Mandy in the bac%gro!nd. #his isn+t the irst time (+ve o!nd it di ic!lt to capt!re something with words b!t in this case yo! sho!ld be glad. ( almost want this story to be as aw%ward and cl!msy as possible to spare yo! rom act!ally eeling some o the shit that we elt. ;etter to thin% ( s!c% as a writer than view yo!rsel " however brie ly" as nothing more than a b!nch o bo=es and bad videotapes waiting to be tossed a ter being pic%ed thro!gh by either loved ones or strangers or people that might be both. ( mean" how many people %new 'ennis %ept his porn with his bible st!dy st! 5 At the end o the video 'ennis was presented with a birthday ca%e that was in the shape

o a girl wearing a bi%ini. #he candles on her breasts served as laming nipples and were the %ind that a ter yo! blew them o!t they lit !p again so as his amily pressed aro!nd him he hammed it !p or the camera trying !ns!ccess !lly to e=ting!ish them. 8e then c!t the irst piece o ca%e and chose to ta%e the slice rom o!t between the ca%e+s wide open legs which le t a giant inappropriate gash oo-ing some sort o red illing that the children too% no notice o b!t had !s smiling despite o!rselves. #hat was so 'ennis. ( now %now 100\ that there are no s!ch things as ghosts. ( always believed it" b!t ( now have proo beca!se i s!ch things e=isted there wo!ld be no way in this world or the ne=t that ( wo!ldn+t have been awa%en in the depths o night by a con !sed or even angry apparition wondering why ( was throwing all o his st! away. No visitation. E=cept or the r!mbling o the garbage tr!c% o!tside ha!ling away all that remains o 'ennis to the d!mp. crac(e# ,henever (+m in an old b!ilding or one that has allen into premat!re disrepair my eyes always seem to linger on the crac%ed paint on the ceiling. #hat+s li%e the clincher" the one thing that de ines whether or not the room has been ta%en care o or not. A simple stain on the carpet can be e=plained away easy eno!gh b!t when yo! glance !p and see peeling paint it+s a dead giveaway. Crac%ing paint is the +giant cobwebs on the staircase o the ha!nted mansion+ o ordinary b!ildings. ( saw the irst crac% in the paint o my bedroom ceiling today. (t was 4!ite tra!matic act!ally. Not only did it mean ( had to b!y a new can o paint and a roller b!t it signaled something else. My ceiling had 4!it trying. #hey say a chain is only as strong as its wea%est lin% and now ( %new where my ceilingJs wea%est lin% was. ( li%e to imagine that all o the paint was doing its best to stay connected" li%e some titani!m dio=ide hands/across/America thing" when s!ddenly two little pair o hands came apart. And all the other hands gasped and tried to internali-e the implications o this letting/go/o /hands. 'id they s!ddenly envision the inevitable la%ing to come or did they redo!ble their e orts not to let go o the hands on either side o them5 0!ess that depends on the brand o paint ( !sed to begin with. ,as that little patch o paint disgr!ntled or was there some good reason that it co!ld no longer d!ti !lly cling to the ceiling5 ( started to blame mysel . 'id ( miss a small b!bble when ( irst applied the paint5 Co!ld it be that this whole time that little spot o paint was heroically holding on" desperately ighting gravity and perhaps a tiny bit o dirt or a h!man eyelash that somehow got slapped !p there with the rest o the paint5 3r did ( .!st get a hold o a can o paint that had a little 4!it in it5 ( yo! loo% at the dimensions o a can o paint and then ig!re o!t how large an area yo! can paint with it yo! reali-e that paint is a damn le=ible s!bstance. (t may loo% all s4!are in the can b!t in the end it is the Mister )antastic o home improvement materials. #he act that most o yo! didn+t !nderstand that ( was re erencing a character rom the (antastic (our goes a long way in e=plaining why there are no comic boo%s at 8ome

'epot. #hat+s a shame" those hard wor%ing men in the tool belts deserve a little whimsy now and then. ( %now what yo!+re saying" yo!+re saying >perhaps that little spot o paint was trying to give the ceiling that +crac%le+ loo% that+s all the rage these days.> (+m s!rprised at yo!. (+ve never %nown yo! to be so t. ( that little spot o paint had wanted to achieve that he wo!ld have s!rely disc!ssed it with all the other paint on the ceiling be ore ta%ing it !pon itsel to start crac%ing. #hat+s .!st common sense. ,hat+s that5 *o! want me to believe that in the case o ceiling paint con orming isn+t as easy as it seems5 Listen" ( reali-e that it m!st be harder to cling to a ceiling !pside down and all than it is to sit on a wall b!t that+s the .ob and that little spot o paint %new what it was getting itsel into when it signed !p. 3bvio!sly yo! .!st want to ma%e e=c!ses. ( this was yo!r ceiling that was crac%ing" (+m s!re yo!+d be singing a di erent t!ne. ( have better things to do than sit here and type good reasons why my ceiling paint is starting to peel. )i=ing the problem" !n ort!nately or the small spot o paint" isn+t one o them. Ni'er +lease< *o! wo!ld thin% in the increasingly politically correct world we live in someone over at the ?nited Nations co!ld sa!nter over to Niger+s representative" ;o!bacar ;o!reima" and as% what the !c% is !p with his co!ntryJs name. #radition is all well and good b!t does he %now how many white geography teachers he+s rea%ing o!t in the ?nited States5 ( don+t even thin% my teacher in high school mentioned A rica at all or ear he+d have to prono!nce the name. 'oes anybody else remember when the ?S s!ggested that (ra4 tried to b!y !rani!m rom a ,est A rican co!ntry5 (t was Niger b!t do yo! thin% even pretty boy ;rian ,illiams wanted to tac%le that one5 #he slightest hesitation on that name and the ne=t paying gig he+s getting is spea%ing in Alabama to the local $otary Cl!b at a $amada (nn. Now yo! might also as% ol+ Mr. ;o!reima why there are also Z0"000 people still tho!ght to be held as slaves in his co!ntry. Niger" pleaseE ( reali-e that they criminali-ed slavery in 200B Cyes" yo! read that correctly. 200B. Not 1<0B or 1X0B. 200BD b!t now they .!st deny it e=ists. *o! co!ld also then as% ;o!bacar i he %nows what irony is. So maybe its best that o!r !neasy teachers steer clear o the c!rrent history o Niger" given that it has the world+s highest ertility rate" s! ers rom endless dro!ghts" is one o the poorest co!ntries on earth" has B.B million citi-ens with 8(:" and most o the government is !nder investigation or allegedly embe--ling !nds rom the ed!cation ministry. (s it any wonder they are a ormer )rench colony and that )rench is still their o icial lang!age5 ( bet somehow the )rench are responsible or the name. ( was going to 0oogle some more in ormation b!t (+m a raid to have the word Niger in my 0oogle history in case one o my blac% riends happens to see it. *es" yo! read that

correctly. ;lac%. Not frican? merican. #hat has to be the d!mbest way to categori-e someone (+ve ever heard and i ( need to e=plain why then yo!+re probably not going to agree with me anyway and in that case ( wish only horrible things or yo! and yo!r amily going orward. (+m white. #hey+re blac%. ,ho gives a crap where we come rom5 (+ve literally been in a sit!ation where (+m tal%ing to someone and they+ll want to point o!t the blac% %id s!rro!nded by o!r white %ids or some reason and they will say >the %id in the red shirt> and (+ll say >there are three %ids in red shirts> and they+ll say >the one in the lighter red shirt with no collar> and (+ll be >yo! mean the black %id5E> and they will almost hyperventilate. ( can+t imagine blac% g!ys having the same problem pointing o!t >the white %id over there> b!t as (+m white ( g!ess ( can+t be s!re. So here+s the point. ( we+re going to %eep as%ing So!th Carolina to change their lag ( thin% it+s totally acceptable to as% Niger to come !p with a new name. 3ne that doesn+t ma%e white people so nervo!s. (s that too m!ch to as%5 ( don+t even %now how to prono!nce it beca!se (+ve never act!ally heard anyone say it o!t lo!d. ( ol%s rom Nigeria have loc%ed !p Nigerian stat!s what do yo! call people rom Niger5 ( bet even blac% readers had at least one !nny answer spring to mind there. 'oes that ma%e them racist or realists5 8as there ever been m!ch o a di erence5 ( it were a (amily (eud 4!estion ( bet the i1 answer wo!ld be >)!c%ed.> blan( ,ell this is !ncom ortable. *o!r eyes barreling along" e=pecting word a ter word" while my writer stands absently downstairs waiting or the ding rom the microwave that will signal that his tea is ready. ( this were a cartoon" oh how ( wish it were or yo!r sa%e" the page wo!ld remain blan% as a pen leaned against the blan%ness signaling to yo! that there was nothing to see "b!t as yo! seem intent on having yo!r eyes contin!e their .o!rney rom side to side and down the page yo! draw this o!t and orce me to e=plain mysel . ,itho!t the clac%ing o ingers on a %eyboard ( have nothing to show yo!" showing yo! is held in m!ch higher esteem by my writer than telling. 3bvio!sly" there is no scene to spea% o where yo! might glean a hint o the !pcoming action nor can ( o er an accent or telltale physical characteristic. ( cannot even t!rn inward at the moment beca!se my inwards remain empty. #hat m!ch ( can both show and tell. 0iven my empty state" the di erence between show and tell seems as transparent as the similarities between tr!th and dare. ( yo! can be patient ( have no do!bt my writer will ret!rn" tea in hand" to the tas% at hand and no do!bt entertain yo! with some tri!mph or tragedy thr!st !pon me. At this moment ( canJt say ( have a pre erence or even an !nderstanding o the di erence between them. (Jm led to believe rom the writer that witho!t yo! identi ying with some aspect o me that yo! wonJt have m!ch o an interest either. Might ( s!ggest" with no ins!lt intended" that perhaps yo!Jre still reading this or that very reason5 Might my writer sit down to ind yo!Jve already identi ied with the complete lac% o me and he can contin!e with a captive a!dience5 a #etecti&e stor

Mi%e had been a detective or over 20 years. 8e had started yo!ng and idealistic b!t ended !p loo%ing a lot li%e most o the others he wor%ed withA hard" weathered" and !nhappy. #he act that he was !nhappy was beside the point b!t" also 4!ite possibly" the entire point. 8e had disting!ished himsel rom his colleag!es beca!se he was able to p!t little things together to ma%e something larger. Every crime was a p!--le and he was never satis ied !ntil he had every piece. 8e was never happy !ntil the borders were !nbro%en and the pict!re complete. #hat never happened so" there ore" he was never happy. 8is problem this morning was" that a ter 20 years" a lot o the !n inished p!--les were starting to come together in a completely !ne=pected way. Something that it wo!ld have ta%en over 20 years to see and only i yo! were loo%ing. (t had started innocently eno!gh" an ironic term given the s!b.ect was crime" the prior evening with a party game called >Si= 'egrees o 9evin ;acon.> 8e had been enco!raged to participate at a gathering he had no interest in being at and a ter the r!les had been !lly e=plained to him he 4!ic%ly p!t his glass o scotch down and le t witho!t another word to anyone. #he game was loosely based on a concept p!t orth by a 8!ngarian playwright named )rigyes 9arinthy that everyone is" on average" appro=imately si= steps away rom any other person on Earth. ,ell be ore social networ%s were pop!lar and networ% theory was in its in ancy" 9arinthy believed that the modern world was +shrin%ing+ d!e to ever/ increasing connectedness o h!man beings. 8!ndreds o incomplete p!--les bro!ght together with one inal piece. (t had been a very long night. $egardless o how cra-y and paranoid it elt" he h!rriedly sat down into his chair and booted !p his comp!ter. A ter a ew moments he typed +collective conscio!sness+ and hit the search b!tton. (t bro!ght !p another ew terms and he spent the ne=t B0 min!tes trying to ig!re o!t e=actly what it was he was trying to p!t his inger on. >( thin% yo! might also try +hive mind"+ Mi%e.> Mi%e .!mped" he had not heard his Captain come into his o ice. Ne=t to Cpt. Nigel Snigget stood his partner o the past o!r years" Ed ;ree-ly. Smiling broadly" Ed wal%ed into his o ice and sat down in the chair opposite Mi%e. >( thin% he might also have some l!c% with +e!sociality"+ Nige.> ;ehind Nigel" he co!ld see others lining !p to peer inside at him. #he Captain slowly closed the door behind him and wal%ed slowly to Mi%e+s des%. >( g!ess congrat!lations are in order then> he said with no trace o good will in his voice. >*o! bro%e the case.> Mi%e altered a second" overwhelmed with what this meant. 8e elt or his side arm and reali-ed it sat on the iling cabinet across the room where he had sl!ng it" his .ac%et" and his %eys in his haste to get to wor% in ront o the comp!ter. >So ( was W ( am W right5> #he words t!mbled o!t o his mo!th. 8is tong!e elt thin% and his head d!ll. >(+m a raid so Mi%e.> #he corners o his partner+s mo!th gave !p their attempts at holding

a smile. Mi%e sagged bac% into his chair" trying to come to grips with what it all meant. 8e started small" li%e a baby letting go o a piece o !rnit!re and hesitantly p!tting one oot o!t in ront o the other. >All the crimes. All o them are connected. Every one.> 8is Captain decided to p!sh the baby over. >Mi%e. (t+s all connected. #he crimes" m!sic" wars" sports" h!nger" the !c%ing !rice is Right.> Ed chimed in to try and help himA >(t+s .!st a game Mi%e" ol+ b!ddy. 'o yo! see that now5> 8e co!ldn+t see. 8e co!ldn+t thin% straight. 3nly one word %ept coming dr!mming against the bac% o his eyeballs and inally it lea%ed o!t as more o a whimper than a 4!estion. >,hy5> >;eca!se we don+t %now how many o yo! there are.> >Come on Nige" throw him a bone. Can+t yo! see he+s str!ggling a bit5> Ed+s smile ret!rned b!t now it had a menacing l!ster to it. >3%" it+s li%e this.> Nigel straightened his shirt with a 4!ic% downward t!g. >,hile o!r best and brightest are t!c%ed away ens!ring the s!rvival and advancement o the wheat" the rest o !s are entertaining the cha .> >*o!+re the cha " Mi%e.> Ed piped !p. #he recent recipient o the cha moni%er co!ld only loo% on con !sed as Cpt. Nigel Snigget drew his service revolver and calmly p!t one between his eyes.

Fa&orite Faceboo( Status u+#ates.

Every time ( watch gol and hear abo!t the incredible press!re that gol ers have to deal with ( thin% abo!t antlions. Antlions are the larvae o a insect that ends !p loo%ing li%e a dragon ly" b!t when they are yo!ng they e=cavate conical pits in the sand by crawling bac%wards in circles" at the same time lipping o!t sand grains with their long .aws. #he slope o the !nnel is ad.!sted to the critical angle o repose or sand" so that the sides readily give way !nder the eet o a wo!ld/be escapee. #he antlion waits 4!ietly at the bottom o the pit" with its body o to one side and concealed by the steep wall. ,hen crawling insects inadvertently all into the pit it is virt!ally impossible or them to climb the loose sand on the steep walls. #he str!ggling victim is then cr!elly p!lled beneath the sand as its body l!ids are grad!ally siphoned o!t. ( thin% it wo!ld be great i there were giant" genetically engineered antlions the si-e o ponies and they were released into the sand traps at gol to!rnaments. #8A# wo!ld be press!re. 'o yo! ever wonder i the tropical ish born in captivity sense there is something not 4!ite right abo!t the plastic coral ree they swim aro!nd5 ,hat better way to e=press the act that yo! are oblivio!s to being part o a larger society

than hanging a pair o metals balls on the bac% o yo!r pic%/!p. 8ave yo! seen these5 Large metallic testicles or yo!ng %ids and old ladies and everyone else to admire. )!nny in concept b!t to act!ally in lict them on the rest o !s is the worst %ind o inbred hillbilly !c%tardedness. 8ow did ( %now that somewhere my otolaryngologists was disc!ssing my A!ric!lar paresthesia with someone5 My ears were b!rning. A recent st!dy showed that @F\ o Americans wish that dinosa!rs rom the cretaceo!s period still e=isted. (+m not s!re those people have tho!ght it thro!gh b!t ( admit it wo!ld be cool to open the newspaper each day to see who+s been eaten. &ali#ate# (t seemed li%e a pretty harmless transaction. ( had always par%ed in the lot across the street rom the hospital when calling on one o my clients" b!t then a riend o mine told me that he always par%s in the hospital lot and then .!st goes across the s%y bridge and gets his tic%et validated even tho!gh he wasn+t act!ally visiting any o the patients there. Saves him ]1@.@0 every visit downtown. Seemed simple eno!gh e=cept when ( started to wal% down the hallway towards the tic%et stamper" ( saw it was sitting on a des% occ!pied by a sec!rity g!ard. Now immediately (+m s!re yo!+ve leapt to the concl!sion that this sec!rity g!ard was a man in a bad bl!e sec!rity shirt with a bad emblem on the sleeve that vag!ely resembled a badge o some sort and blac% pants that were two si-es too small and seemed to be made o rayon or nylon or some other material that ended with /on b!t yo! are wrong. (t was a woman. Anyway" ( panic%ed and wal%ed right past her and into the bowels o the hospital. A ter ( wal%ed aro!nd or a little bit ( started to weigh my options. ( ( was !nable to e=tricate mysel rom this tric%y predicament my vehicle might be orever trapped on the bl!e level o St. ,hatever+s 8ospital par%ing garage. 3bvio!sly the easiest thing to do wo!ld be to steal a white .ac%et and pretend to be a doctor. A ter being !nable to ac4!ire the necessary garb ( was orced to settle with some s!rgical scr!bs ( o!nd in a linen closet. ( threw them over my street clothes and started or the des%" tic%et in hand and seemingly eager to be slid thro!gh the machine. ;!t what is she wasn+t b!ying the s!rgeon ro!tine5 Co!ld ( be arrested or impersonating a doctor5 As ( got closer ( co!ld eel the sweat b!ilding on my brow and be ore ( was within 10 eet o the des% ( pivoted on my bac% oot and hightailed it bac% down the hall. She+d never b!y that ( was a doctor. #he ne=t obvio!s sol!tion was to borrow a gown and try to pretend ( was a patient leaving the hospital. Altho!gh ( o!nd it a bit bree-y in bac% the trans ormation was easy eno!gh and in no time ( was sh! ling down the hallway holding the plastic bag containing my clothes and only moments rom reeing my car rom its !nwanted detention. #his time ( was literally two eet rom the p!nching contraption when it occ!rred to me that !s!ally g!ards won+t allow a patient to leave and drive themselves home. Y!ic%ly ( wondered i ( co!ld invent some bleeding/heart story that co!ld e=plain

my depart!re b!t was too worried that the g!ard wo!ld try to escort me bac% to my room only to ind ( didn+t have one" so with a 4!ic% spin that sent a b!rst o cold air !p my not/ ade4!ately/covered bac%side ( once again headed bac% the way ( had come. 1retty m!ch oblivio!s to the s! ering all aro!nd me. ,ho did ( need to be to get o!t o this mess5 ( co!ldn+t be mysel " co!ld (5 Not to this sec!rity pro essional. She co!ld be a highly trained woman with a military bac%gro!nd and a short !se who co!ld sni o!t the type o person who wo!ld try to cheat the system and attempt to par% at the hospital when in act their b!siness had not been in the hospital at all. #he %ind o woman who waits all day or the opport!nity to wrestle s!ch a person to the gro!nd in a very p!blic and h!miliating manner and p!t her %nee on the bac% o their head !ntil the proper a!thorities are s!mmoned. ( spent close to an ho!r trying to ind a sec!rity !ni orm or at least a wal%ie tal%ie so ( co!ld +relieve+ her and then ma%e my escape. No dice. ( st!died her in greater detail. ?s!ally ( see aces in clo!ds b!t this was the irst time ( ever act!ally saw clo!ds in a ace. Sho!ld ( try honesty and throw mysel on her mercy or perhaps p!ll a ire alarm and in the ens!ing con !sion stamp my tic%et and bolt o!t o there5 ,as ( agile eno!gh to complete the transaction witho!t her even %nowing as ( wandered by or wo!ld it be easier to snea% !p behind her and render her !nconscio!s when nobody else was loo%ing5 #he idea o being mysel became more di ic!lt as ( reali-ed ( wasn+t s!re who ( was any more. #his seems to happen every time ( loo% to a stranger or validation. tertiu* non #atur #he only people who disli%e Cheryl more than the anti/anarchist crowd are the anarchists themselves. *o! see Cheryl started an Anarchy Cl!b at her school. She did not do so in an attempt to be ironic or as an act o social satire or civil disobedience. She believes in the principles o anarchy and hopes that with the proper organi-ation the movement can ta%e root at her school and lo!rish. *o! can see why the anarchists hate her. #he 4!estion is whether or not she is a hero or villain. 3 co!rse" irst yo! have to establish whether or not yo! believe anarchy is a heroic notion or inherently evil. 3nce yo!+ve established that yo! can then decide i it is the !ltimate act o rebellion to go against the principles o anarchy itsel and ma%e it a cl!b or i yo! have to simply let the de inition o a political belie de ine it. #hose two schisms create o!r di erent realities or someone to e=ist in at her school and those that agree on one point will almost certainly disagree on the other. #hat is i anyone m!ch cared. Nobody has .oined her cl!b to date b!t she d!ti !lly starts each meeting with a lo!d >competition" di idence and gloryE> and then sets abo!t inishing the ever/e=panding by/ laws. *o! wonder" i she was more attractive" wo!ld the Anarchy Cl!b be more pop!lar. 3r"

!sing that train o tho!ght" i she was more pop!lar wo!ld the Anarchy Cl!b be more attractive. #wo di erent 4!estions b!t no schism. Cheryl is not !nattractive" she is simply average. Sho!ld ( point o!t the two non/schisms that wo!ld be created i she was !nattractive5 8ard to tell i there are any tr!e anarchists going to her school. #here are the !s!al lawless st!dents b!t it+s di ic!lt to say i that is a conscio!s choice on their part or i it+s .!st the path o least resistance. Cheryl is certain that none o them are amiliar with #homas $ainsboro!gh" the $evol!tionary (ns!rrectionary Army o ?%raine" the Con ederacijn Nacional del #raba.o or (mman!el 9ant so they can tal% all the revol!tion they want b!t they are no better than the sti s in the K!nior Achievement cl!b. Ever since she appeared on the local news" who decided to ill !p a slow news day with a pro ile on the girl who started an anarchy cl!b" she gets hate mail. 8er parents have had to replace the mailbo= twice" repaint the garage door a ter vandals spray painted a capitol A with a circle aro!nd it ollowed by the letters Hs/s/h/o/l/eI on it and reg!larly have to wash eggs o the windows. She seems to be !naware o the irony in acts o civil disobedience being carried o!t against her" someone with a completely clean rap sheet" beca!se she s!pports the idea o a stateless society based on non/hierarchical vol!ntary associations. #he real problem or Cheryl has been the real anarchists pleading with her to stop. #he hard/boiled crowd. ,hether they are e=treme individ!alists or complete collectivists" anarcho/comm!nists or anarcho/syndicalists" libertarian anarchists or no/card/carrying/ re4!ired anarcho/syndicalist labor !nion members" they all write impassioned letters imploring her to cease and desist with the cl!b. ( the proverb >the enemy o my enemy is my riend> holds any tr!th then it ma%es yo! wonder how many riends Cheryl really has. 8er parents and her g!idance co!nselor wonder the same thing. ;!t every Monday" the lyer anno!ncing the ne=t meeting is taped !p to the school b!lletin board and" every #!esday at B6B0" she sits in the empty classroom and starts to .ot down the min!tes o the meeting. She will pa!se every now and then and loo% o!t the window. $ight o!tside there is a large tree and o ten times the two s4!irrels that live there will be chasing each other aro!nd the branches and she will get a large smile on her ace. #hen it+s bac% to wor%. s(in #ee+ ,hen my riends and ( are sitting aro!nd having a ew beers or camping deep in the woods" we+ll o ten times start 4!i--ing each other abo!t what we ind attractive in emales and my list goes something li%e this. 0irls that dye their hair are nice. Long press/on nails" colored contacts and those giant a%e eyelashes are cool" too. ( li%e a%e breasts. Not only a%e b!t obvio!sly a%e. #hey have to appear !nnat!ral. ( (

had to admit one secret antasy it wo!ld be a tit/bag that pops in my hand as (+m s4!ee-ing it. Late night at night ( can+t help b!t admit that terms li%e necrosis" asymmetry and caps!lar contract!re really get the motor r!nning. ( a girl already has large breasts then ( li%e it when she+s had red!ction s!rgery. Not s!re how they drain those p!ppies b!t ( s!re hope it leaves a mar%. ( love giant lips. #hat >.!st p!nched in the mo!th> loo% is what ( go or. #hey can+t be too big. Melanie 0ri ith had the right idea b!t didn+t go ar eno!gh. ,hen a girl tells me" thro!gh smac%ers the si-e o don!ts" that she got her silicon on the blac% mar%et ( get lightheaded. ,hat can ( say5 ( also li%e to overin late my tires a little and my car handles ine. Also" nothing gets me going li%e tightly stretched s%in aro!nd the eyes. Koan $ivers may be getting !p there in age b!t her ace simply radiates bea!ty. ,hen ( br!sh a girlJs chee% gently" ( want it to ma%e the same so!nd as when ( r!b a balloon. )or me" ( li%e eyebrows to loo% ro-en on the orehead li%e two comatose caterpillars. (n a per ect world they react the same when the emale is hearing that she won the lottery or someone close to her .!st got hit by a b!s. #hey don+t move. Lipos!ction. Now we+re tal%ing. ( me and the boys are gathered aro!nd a camp ire throwing a ew bac% and e=changing stories" this is where my eyes get that ar/away loo% as ( rattle o my list i avorite scarsA easily i1 with a b!llet are ibroblastic scars. #he st! o antasy in my boo%s. Ne=t come the hypertrophic scars ollowed closely by atrophic scars. Last b!t not least are the hyopigmented scars. ,henever ( can get a hold o a broch!re o!tlining di erent proced!res it reads li%e 1entho!se )or!m. ?s!ally" ( can+t ma%e it past the second !se o the word +invasive.+ 3ne o the things that most women don+t learn rom their bea!ty maga-ines is that even i yo! have a nice healthy head o hair that is no reason not to throw in a ew hair pl!gs. Most o them are shaving their !ndercarriage these days anyway" why let that hair go to waste5 (t+s the little things that sometimes mean the most. Li%e binding eet. (t+s not .!st or the Asians anymore. A girl hobbles into the bar with >lot!s eet> and her dance card is illed or the rest o the night. ( she co!ld dance ... which o co!rse she can+t. ;!t i she co!ld" she wo!ld be no stranger to the dance loor" (+ll tell yo! that m!ch. Not i (+m in that bar. 1eople are so h!ng !p on loo%s. #he tr!th is ( don+t m!ch care abo!t how girl loo%s at the start" b!t how m!ch e ort she p!t into loo%ing li%e she does now. 'on+t li%e tattoos tho!gh. ;!tter lies and hearts .!st ma%e it seem li%e she+s trying too hard. (n the end" it+s not what+s on the o!tside that matters as m!ch as what+s on the inside. 8ope !lly" a stapled stomach. $e are $hat $e #rea* As had happened a h!ndred times be ore" the model wal%ed in and got com ortable as he arranged his canvas and paints. 8er robe came o and he went to wor%. A ter abo!t B0 min!tes her ro!gh o!tline began to ta%e shape be ore him and he began to get the same

creeping eeling he+d had a h!ndred times be ore. 'isappointment. ,ith his s!b.ect. ,ith his tools. ,ith himsel . So he tried something that he+d never done be ore and said hello. She !n ro-e momentarily and even allowed her eyes to move in his direction. #here they stayed and watched him grab his canvas and h!rl it across the st!dio only to come to rest noisily against the ancient pl!mbing that seemed to hapha-ardly po%e o!t o every wall be ore disappearing bac% into the cr!mbling bric%. 8e smiled and apologi-ed. She e=plained she was getting paid either way so it made no di erence to her. 8e la!ghed. She smiled. 8e as%ed her what her name was and where she lived and how old she was and where she was rom and i she en.oyed being a model. 9atherine. East Side. 2[. ,est Side. (t was o%. 8e as%ed her abo!t her dreams. She la!ghed. 8e as%ed her abo!t her last si= dreams and then he got a new canvas. She+d had a dream abo!t travel and he painted her eet in their entirety. 8e tho!ght abo!t giving them little wings b!t in the end they were .!st implied. She dreamt abo!t b!ilding a ho!se and he painted her hands. She had an e=plicit dream where she was ravaged by a gro!p o painters rom the nearby college and he painted her hips and breasts. #hey sim!ltaneo!sly shimmered and simmered. 8e s4!irmed on his stool with a throbbing erection that threatened to %noc% over the canvas as she went into every delicio!s detail b!t he never stopped painting. She watched his ace care !lly as that partic!lar recollection drew to a close and he painted her eyes" and she listened to his nervo!s la!ghter and heavy sighs and he painted her ears. She had a strange dream abo!t how weird it elt to have something growing rom her head. Almost anticipating each word" his br!sh swept and c!rled and her hair lowed down and aro!nd and over the vario!s pieces o her that were already b!sy drying on the cloth. She had a dream abo!t connecting the dots and he b!sied himsel with all the parts o her body between her eet and hands and swelling breasts. A tension was growing in the room and she elt something wonder !l was going on .!st o!t o sight and she smiled. And he sighed again and painted her lips and they lowed down and aro!nd and over the vario!s parts o her that were still preocc!pied with drying on the cloth. Another dream and she started to have sm!dges" she was o!tside the lines b!t the painting remained per ect despite all the movement that co!ldn+t help b!t insert itsel into the portrait. She dreamt that her mom died and she was orced to roll her !p in a carpet and stac% her with all the other mothers who had died. #han% !lly he was done by then and only his signat!re re lected her mother+s eet" still wearing the pin% shoes she wore aro!nd the ho!se" stic%ing o!t o the roll o carpet. Some people will mista%e i or a happy ace.

She told him what a nice time she had then got dressed and le t. 8e began to stac% all o his other paintings or the short trip to the waiting d!mpster o!tside. 8e elt li%e the eager d!mpster had been waiting and rooting or him a long time. #oo long. )r. 8an5fiel#%s Bab an# Chil# Care )irst o " ( can+t really come o!t and call this some in4!iry into the grey area between ate and morality beca!se it co!ld also be loo%ed at as so many other things. Secondly" and most importantly" it+s my act!al li e so the best yo! co!ld call it is an interesting wor% in progress. 'epending on yo!r opinion o the topics disc!ssed yo! might have some strong eelings abo!t my circ!mstances b!t believe me ... no stronger than ( have. (t+s all a bit con !sing at times. My ather was a well %nown psychic and my mother was an only slightly lesser renown ort!ne teller. #hat might so!nd odd b!t when yo!+re a %id whatever yo! grow !p aro!nd seems the norm. ( remember playing po%er with my mom with tarot cards and the only di erence ( co!ld tell was that even i yo! won there was always a little good news2bad news to it. 3ther than that my childhood was pretty m!ch identical to most o my other riends. ,ell" there was this one thing. ;eing psychic my dad wo!ld p!nish me or things ( hadn+t done yet. #hings ( was going to do. (t was especially di ic!lt leading !p to events ( was loo%ing orward to beca!se invariably ( wo!ld be gro!nded at the last min!te d!e to some !pcoming transgression. #hat wasn+t even the hard part" altho!gh sitting home while ( wanted to be somewhere else was di ic!lt" ( won+t lie. ;!t it wasn+t the hardest part. #he hardest part was then doing the thing that got me in tro!ble in the irst place. Sometimes wee%s later. Sometimes things ( didn+t even want to do b!t ( elt ( had to. (t wasn+t that ( believed i ( didn+t ( wo!ld !pset the time2space contin!!m" it was more li%e ( didn+t want to ma%e my dad angry. ;y not doing something bad. #hat was pretty weird sometimes. So yo! can see where the whole ate vers!s morality thing comes into play... b!t only i yo! believe in things li%e divination" clairvoyants and ES1. 3therwise yo!+re li%ely to write my entire childhood o as either ab!sive or a cr!el .o%e. ( try not to leap to any concl!sions mysel . #oo m!ch s%in in the game" i yo! %now what ( mean. #a%e" or instance" when ( was not allowed in go to prom beca!se ( stole a car two months later. (t all seemed so !n air. ( had a car" why wo!ld ( steal one5 )or two months ( was trying to ig!re o!t not only why ( was going to steal one b!t how to steal a car. ( had no idea. (n movies they pry o something on the steering wheel and thr!st two wires at one another !ntil the car roars to li e" b!t ( didn+t have the aintest cl!e how to approach it. 3r where to approach it. My dad was always very vag!e on the details and when ( pressed him or additional in ormation he !s!ally got 4!ite testy. 8e wo!ld say

that there were eno!gh s%eptics in the world witho!t him having to come home and ind one living com ortably !nder his own roo . (nvariably my mother+s attempts at providing !rther clarity !sing her crystal ball came !p empty. ,hen ( was yo!nger and ( wo!ld be sent to my room witho!t dessert beca!se ( was going to snea% some coo%ies the ne=t day" at least ( had the coo%ies to loo% orward to. ( never really elt bad when ( too% them beca!se (+d already done my time. (t was li%e a pre/paid sin. ( %now how it so!nds" now b!t yo! have to remember ( was a %id. ( wo!ld ga!ge the bo!ndaries o my !pcoming transgression on the severity o the p!nishment ( received. )or instance" i ( %new it was the day ( was r!de to my teacher ( had to ig!re o!t in my head .!st how r!de ( co!ld be. ;!t the car thing was really o!t there. 3n the day ( was s!pposed to commit the crime ( remember trying to in.!re mysel to get o!t o it. ( .!mped o!t o a tree and bro%e my an%le. My neighbor saw what went on and called an amb!lance" so in a moment o complete clarity ( ended !p .!mping o the stretcher and stealing the amb!lance and driving mysel to the hospital. #wo birds" one stone. My parents told me they were pro!d o my compos!re" b!t were still glad ( missed prom so ( wo!ld learn something rom the e=perience. ( g!ess in retrospect that witho!t discipline yo!+d never learn anything. Even i it ends !p being what yo! don't learn ... which in this case was how to steal a car. b e b e Nati&e A*erican +ie Altho!gh 8ollywood wo!ld have yo! believe that the >pie in the ace> gag began in the 1X0X ilm Mr. (lip and rom there escalated into the enormo!s pie ights witnessed in s!ch gems as the 1X2F La!rel and 8ardy ilm The -attle of the 'entury Cwhich !sed B"000 piesD and the 1X[@ comedy The @reat Race CZ"000 pies thrownD the tr!th is m!ch stranger. #!rns o!t that pieing dates bac% to the 1lains (ndians o North America. #here was a tribe o Sio!= that sh!nned edged weapons and t!rned instead to pie throwing. Early settlers reported that a Sio!= pie thrower co!ld !nseat a rider rom 20 eet away. Not e=actly with +deadly+ acc!racy" b!t de initely !ncanny. 'espite the act that even their greatest h!nters o!nd it impossible to %ill a bison with pies" they tried none the less and the other tribes respected and eared them or their tenacity. ,henever another tribe wo!ld complain abo!t the stic%y illing and cr!mbs r!ining the pelt o a bison the Sio!= women wo!ld stay !p many nights in a row ba%ing" the scent o mering!e wo!ld wa t over the plains and then the retrib!tion wo!ld come ast and gooey. #he other tribes learned the hard way to %eep their comments to themselves" lest they be on the receiving end o a Sio!= pieing. #he plains pie throwers initially had no 4!arrel with the white men who arrived and in act were grate !l or the wonder !l new c!stard recipes they were given b!t event!ally" li%e all o the indigeno!s people o North America" con lict and death awaited them. As more and more settlers made their way west the ?.S. military was given orders to s4!ee-e the Sio!= o!t o their native lands" something that the Corporal in charge o the endeavor said wo!ld be >easy as pie.> ,ords that wo!ld come bac% to ha!nt him. Not beca!se it was di ic!lt to de eat the (ndians mind yo! b!t beca!se o his !n ort!nate !se o the word pie. 1erhaps he sho!ld

have gone with >piece o ca%e"> instead. #he Sio!= leader at the time" Chie S4!irting )lower" was a brilliant tactician and led his band o piers to many moral victories be ore they were all shot dead with g!ns. 8is !se o the newly ac4!ired banana cream technology was partic!larly h!miliating to the n!mero!s soldiers that were on the receiving end. ,hat started as small s%irmishes to settle small disp!tes" ended in !ll blown pie ights that claimed h!ndreds o victims and do-ens o cas!alties Call Sio!=" o co!rseD to say nothing o the co!ntless stains that were very di ic!lt to remove given the stain/removing prod!cts o the time. Event!ally the pie throwers had to collect their pans and set !p shop elsewhere. A decade later they disappeared into ba%ing lore orever. #r!ly" one o the more tragic and lesser %nown stories o the birth o this great nation. 'on+t let 8ollywood and their piespiracy ool yo!. (t+s no coincidence that what started as a bit by ;en #!rpin has now t!rned into a political statement. #he ne=t time yo! see some in l!ential ig!re receive a pie in the %isser" listen close and ( bet yo! can hear the so t battle cry o a Sio!= pier. Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and Rye "ingin' this'll be the day that I die This'll be the day that I die Maybe not. asi#es- tan'ents- an# afterthou'hts ,hen yo! as% a layman why they eel that teleportation will never act!ally be a possibility a lot o times yo!+ll hear that even i we are able to recreate a person on a s!batomic level and get everything right that the person on the other end o the machine won+t act!ally be the person that stepped into the starting spot. (t so!nds reasonable eno!gh !ntil that person hears some act on the internet that every one o o!r atoms is act!ally replaced every ew days2wee%s2months and that conscio!sness is act!ally the interaction between chemicals and not the chemicals themselves. ( this is tr!e then what di erence is there between a person reassembled a ter being teleported and a normal person who has had all o the atoms in their body switched o!t and yet maintains their sense o +sel 5+ (+m care !l to artic!late that this is what a layman might say beca!se (+m not smart eno!gh to act!ally %now what (+m tal%ing Cthere is always a slim chance that someone reading this might be Caltho!gh it+s do!bt !l given how d!mb these !s!ally areD ... wait a second Ccase in pointD W ( seem st!c% in parentheses Cis st!c% the right way to e=plain it5D how do ( get o!t o a parentheses Ceven loo%ing !p the de inition C>to enclose words not directly relevant to the main topic o the sentence b!t too important to omit> doesn+t seem to helpD wait" there was one going the right way to get bac% to the main sentence Chow many parentheses am ( in right now anyway5 CrapE Now (+m even deeper C(+m co!nting < C+s against only BD+s Cnot co!nting those as they are only part o the sentence and not real parentheses W shitE Now it+s even worse WD well that+s better Cstill need @W wait [ co!nting that last one W b!t ( %now that ( have anotherD coming at the end o this tho!ghW wait or it WD yep" there it is Cstill not s!re how to end the tho!ght that started

this messDDD heyE ( got B closed parenthesis thereD and another W Cdon+t even %now how ( did that W worth another try tho!ghDD cool" 2 more down CC( really sho!ld %now this st! as an ad!ltD whoa there" since when does a tho!ght start with #,3 parentheses and only give me one C at the end o it5D oh ( see" it anticipated the additional tho!ght it wo!ld ta%e to e=plain the second CCdoesn+t that in er that my %eyboard can read what ( am going to write be ore ( write it5 Cnot really as i it co!ld it wo!ld never allow me to waste s!ch large amo!nts o time typing obvio!s crapDDDDD. Am ( o!t o parenthesis now5 8ow do yo! tell W5 ,hat the hell was ( tal%ing abo!t C( co!ld always go bac% and reread the beginning ( g!essD5 'amn" what a shame. ( had this nice little sentence abo!t going to bed one night and wa%ing !p to ind (+d changed mind witho!t having changed my mind. ,hatever. So we+re not the atoms and we+re not the cells" so we can be teleported and step thro!gh on the other side complete with o!r identities and ready to roll. 0rammar %ills yet another heady scienti ic disc!ssion. future 'enerations $on%t rea# blo's ;ored5 0o o!t and b!y a sna%e. ;ring it home and let it bite yo!. Now yo!+re not bored. Let me be clear lest ( open mysel !p to laws!its. Ma%e s!re it is not poisono!s. *o! might also want to avoid either e=traordinarily large sna%es or ones with partic!larly pointy teeth. 3ther than that any sna%e will do or the p!rpose o this !nderta%ing. ( cavalierly say to let it bite yo! b!t ( thin% yo!+ll ind it+s m!ch harder than it loo%s to let a sna%e ma%e contact and that is the point o the whole sna%e/biting/yo! endeavor. Let+s say or instance yo! agreed to b!y a sna%e b!t weren+t really sold on the whole letting it bite yo! thing so yo! went o!t and got the smallest most ino ensive garter sna%e yo! co!ld ind. A tiny little ella who+s mo!th loo%s li%e the ;!mble a ter 8ermey p!lled all o his teeth. *o! will still ind it di ic!lt i not impossible to hold still and let it bite yo!. ,hy yo! may as%5 #hat+s the 4!estion that will let yo! slip rom the tyrannical shac%les o boredom. ,hen it stri%es yo! will s!ddenly eel the ghosts o generations o people who have been bitten by sna%es telling yo!r hand" witho!t yo!r prior approval" to move o!t o the way and it will. (t will blatantly disregard yo!r logical ass!rances that this sna%e poses no danger and go ahead and give yo!r hand the green light to lee the scene. Now yo! %now why yo!+re not bored anymore" yo!+re acing !p to the act that while yo!r decisions might seem to originate rom yo!r brain and are" there ore" completely !nder yo!r control 2Z2F occasionally they are overr!led by yo!r 'NA. ( yo!+d li%e to ris% being bored again yo! can contin!e reading. ( the s!b.ect matter gets a little d!ll eel ree to p!ll o!t yo!r sna%e again. *o! see behavior and e=perience act!ally change the biochemistry s!rro!nding the ne!rons in o!r brain. (t act!ally encodes the res!lts o these e=periences and starts to create a library o instinct!al reactions. #he part that is really interesting is that all o these instincts are transmitted thro!gh o!r glands into o!r reprod!ctive systems. A nice way o saying that o!r personal e=periences are also passed on to !t!re generations.

3bvio!sly behaviors that are not d!plicated rom generation to generation and those that are trivial do not have staying power in the 'NA b!t those that do are b!ilt right into the ne!rons o the happy !nion o Mr. Sperm and Mrs. Egg. Ma%es ighting the !rge to p!ll away rom a sna%e bite rather interesting. *o!+re act!ally eeling the t!g o yo!r ancestors. 1erhaps tho!sands and tho!sands o dead people are saying >move yo!r hand" d!mbass.> E=plaining how genetic memory wor%s allows me the opport!nity to e=plain a bit more abo!t the 'NA strand itsel " a chance ( rarely pass !p. 'inner parties" weddings" !nerals" yo!+ll always ind me going on at length abo!t how 'NA is a 4!ad heli= as opposed to the commonly held belie that it is a do!ble. ( have however learned not to go into too m!ch detail abo!t this d!ring e!logies ... something ( hope will be passed on to !t!re generations to save them the !ncom ortable silences that ( have been orced to end!re. #he two strands o the do!ble/heli=" as everyone %nows rom way bac%" represent the spatial and physical in ormation o how a body will be ormed. #he other two strands orm a second do!ble/heli= containing the temporal and mental in ormation" i.e." what e=periences rom the past will be hard/wired into the s!bconscio!s o the individ!al. ;eca!se this second heli= is invisible and cannot be seen by a microscope" it+s more o a mathematical representation o a process as opposed to a physical ob.ect" it doesn+t get m!ch love rom the science te=tboo%s and posters comm!nity. #he arg!ment o instinct vers!s learned behavior will rage on well a ter all o those people c!rrently engaged in it have died b!t there can be little disagreement that 'NA has to be the vessel in which instinct!al behavior is carried rom one generation to the ne=t. *o! can tal% !ntil yo!+re bl!e in the ace abo!t cell!lar mechanisms" codons and n!cleotide bases" b!t the act is that even tho!gh yo! %now the little sna%e yo! bo!ght with his little toothless mo!th has no way o act!ally harming yo!" yo! will p!ll away when he stri%es. Even i it s!ccess !lly bites yo! and yo! s! er no harm whatsoever yo! will still p!ll away i it stri%es at yo! ive min!tes later. )or anyone who act!ally ta%es the time to get a sna%e and try this ( thin% yo!+ll be richly rewarded. *o! will literally be having a conversation o sorts with long/deceased relatives and" in an act o de iance that is worthy o the living" yo! will be ignoring their advice and letting the sna%e bite yo!. 3r trying anyway. (t+s harder than yo! thin%. Corns+irac Altho!gh (Jm not m!ch o a college ootball historian (Jm pretty s!re that the ?niversity o Nebras%a team has won more games than any other team on the planet. ( memory serves" ( thin% they won something li%e B0 national championships in a row. ,hy do ( mention this5 ;eca!se in the last ew years they have barely played .@00 ball. #he once mighty Cornh!s%ers have become a shell o the program they once were. ,hy5 Co!ld it be that they are b!sy 7h!s%ingJ something else5 (Jm going to p!t it right o!t there on the table. #here is a cornspiracy going on in this co!ntry the li%es o which we havenJt seen in a decadeE Not since the cranberry" ol%s" have we seen s!ch a power play on o!r grocery shelves. E=cept ;ig Corn learned a

lesson rom all that" so yo! wonJt be seeing Corngerine/ lavored .!ices. No" no. #heyJre smarter than that. *o!Jll b!y a bottle o #angerine .!ice bliss !lly !naware that the main ingredient has become corn. CornE #a%e a second and go to yo!r own %itchen. 1!ll o!t anything in yo!r ridge or on yo!r shel and (Jll wager that the %ey ingredient is corn. (t is now in e*erything. #hey are cornering the mar%et. ,hatJs worse is that they wo!ld have yo! believe that this is all .!st corntasticE Ci yo!Jd li%e to try to be as !nny as ( am" .!st add the letters c/o/r/n in place o the letters c/o/n in any word beginning with con and see how am!sing it is. Corn !sed5 ( bet yo! are W b!t it gets easier. Cornstr!ction" cornse4!ences" etc. 3nce yo! have that down move on to replacing any letters that begin a word with c/o/r/n.D Not contentCcorntentD with .!st bottled and canned goods they have now ta%en over the bee ind!stry. Altho!gh yo! wonJt see it on the label" the %ey ingredient in bee is now" yo! g!essed it" corn. #hese days cattle are ed e=cl!sively corn. No more hay or grass or the occasional apple rom the hand o the armerJs sensitive da!ghter. Nope. Corn is whatJs on the men! every night i yo!Jre a head o steer. And now they want corn in yo!r gas tan%. #hey call it ethanol to try to hide it b!t what they mean is cornoline. Even cranberries never had the balls to try this one. And to thin% ( gave so genero!sly to )arm Aid when ,illie Nelson had me convinced that the poor American armer was h!rting. Now ( ind o!t those over/all/clad bastards have been wor%ing overtime to ma%e s!re that in ive years even my carrots will be made o!t o corn. ( hope ,illie li%es it when he sits down to smo%e a bowl o corn/weedE (t wo!ldnJt be so bad e=cept corn isnJt very good or !s. (tJs a starch and then some. (n one serving o corn C100 gramsD there is B[@ calories" FZ grams o carbs and @ grams o at. 3ne o those ive being sat!rated" the most diabolical o the atsE ,ant to %now why American asses are getting bigger5 Let me introd!ce yo! to my riend Mr. Corn. My Native American pals called him Mr. Mai-e W b!t they didnJt p!t Mr. Mai-e into every !c%ing thing they ate or dran%. 3 co!rse" i they had o!nd a way to ma%e Mr. Alcohol o!t o him" the irst pilgrims might have steeped oot on a continent that was ears o corn rom sea to shining sea. (ronically o!r only hope is the cranberry. ( anyone can stop Corn-illa" itJs the cranberry g!ys. Come on 3cean Spray" step !p and get bac% to wor%. 9noc% down this corny bitch and ta%e yo!r crown bac%. another s>uirrel stor Nat!re is a lot more interesting than most people give it credit or. )or e=ample" abo!t a h!ndred years ago nat!ralists in North America noticed a very interesting behavior in the grey s4!irrel. Called scatter?hoarding the s4!irrels wo!ld collect acorns rom both the red and the white oa%s which grew in the area and b!ry what they didn+t need to eat later when ood was scarcer. ?nli%e the red oa% acorns which are dormant thro!gho!t the winter months" the acorns rom the white oa%s germinate immediately and send down a large taproot and that is a pain in the ass or the s4!irrels when they go to collect them. 8ere+s the interesting part that the nat!ralists observed. #o co!nteract this behavior on the part o the white oa% acorns the s4!irrels learned to bite o!t the seed embryos which

prevented it rom germinating. 1roblem solved. 3r so they tho!ght or a ew generations. (n an interesting act o adaptation" the white oa%s developed acorns which collected small amo!nts o potassi!m permanganate in one chamber and trace elements o ethylene glycol in the other. ,hat happened ne=t was intrig!ing. ,hen the s4!irrels went to bite the acorn to %ill it" instead it allowed the two chemicals to come into contact and the res!lt was an e=plosion that not only blew o the head o the s4!irrel b!t le t a small crater where the !n ort!nate woodland creat!re had been happily s4!atting only seconds be ore. S4!irrels" m!ch to the am!sement o the researchers who gathered to see this evol!tionary bac% and orth" did not ta%e this lying down. (n only a ew years they developed protr!ding beaver/li%e ront teeth that made short wor% o the !ne=pectedly/ volatile white oa%s and soon the orest loor was covered in downed trees. #he white oa%s wo!ld have none o it. Soon the slightest vibration wo!ld send a legion o e=plosive acorns cascading down onto the hapless creat!res below the trees. Logging was 4!ic%ly s!spended and many an innocent picnic%er was o!nd torn to shreds by the n!tty cl!ster bombs. (n an evol!tionary >3h yeah5E> not seen since the #! ted 1! in" commonly o!nd in North 1aci ic waters learned %arate" the s4!irrels grew to !nprecedented si-e Csome reaching 1< eet at the sho!ldersD and developed a thic% armor plating. >(s that all yo! got5> the white oa%s seemed to as% as seemingly overnight their acorns s%ipped right past cocon!t/si-e and ended !p resembling thorny brown melons. Each with the destr!ctive orce o 100 po!nds o #N#. Scientists were absol!tely ascinated. Never be ore had they seen s!ch a remar%able e=ample o evol!tion in action. #he orests were ab!-- with activity as enormo!s s4!irrel/creat!res l!mbered aro!nd trying to !proot deadly oa% trees be ore they co!ld !nleash their iery payloads. National 0eographic co!ldn+t get eno!gh. So there yo! have it. Nat!re is tr!ly more wonder !l and !npredictable than any o !s co!ld have ever imagined. 3h shit. #he trees can move. #he trees can moveE Mo** - ho$ #o ou s+ell sterili5ation0 So a ter what seemed li%e ho!rs o sitting in a lawn chair staring into the void ( inally ig!red o!t how to solve a problem that has been partic!larly irritating me lately. (+m going to write a children+s boo%. (t seems the only way. And what will this children+s boo% be abo!t and how will it help solve the problem that has been partic!larly irritating me lately5 (+m glad yo! as%ed. Altho!gh yo! will soon see that yo!+re part o the problem so yo! might regret as%ing in the irst place.

#he boo% will be abo!t this magical world that is totally made !p and in no way resembles the world we c!rrently reside in. (n this world" and here+s the big di erence" people come in all sorts o shapes and si-es and colors b!t none o them loo% the same as anyone else so there is no pre.!dice whatsoever. ;eca!se everyone in this magical world loo%s completely di erent" everybody is .!dged solely on their actions and the content o their character. No religions e=ist and no political parties are needed. No bias and no e=c!ses. ( %now ... magical indeed. Let+s call this world ?topia `. Not s!re why ( threw in the ` b!t %ids today seem to li%e anything with an ` at the end o it" so there yo! go. ?topia `. #he people who live there we+ll call ?topians. No `. ;!t this world has a problem that (+m going to as% the yo!ng readers to try and solve. *o! see at irst there were only a ew ?topians who were st!pid" la-y and2or violent and the rest o the ?topians p!t !p with them and went abo!t ma%ing ?topia ` a wonder !l place to live. #he problems began when someone noticed that while the responsible" hard/wor%ing ?topians were having one or two %ids that they too% great pains in raising properly each o the st!pid" la-y and2or violent ones were having ive" si= or more %ids that they too% even greater pains to avoid ta%ing care o . Even preadolescent readers who are bad at math will soon see the problem i the ?topians don+t do something. ( wo!ld be interested in hearing the sol!tions that %ids come !p with. ( g!ess (+m hoping that when they get older they will hear a story abo!t how on this non/magical world we allow con.!gal visits to convicted %illers so that they can have yet another baby o!t o wedloc% witho!t the means to provide or it and be reminded o the sol!tions they came !p with or ?topia `. *o! see" the ne=t generation is o!r only hope" beca!se or the last ew generations we have to be the biggest collection o g!tless t!rds ever to e=ist in the cosmos. ( someone in ?topia ` wrote a boo% abo!t Earth it wo!ld do!btlessly be thrown in the )antasy section. ,hat intelligent species co!ld ever believe that an advanced civili-ation co!ld ace s!ch a problem and .!st sit with their th!mbs !p their own collective asses and ignore it !ntil the whole thing inally collapses5 ,hat (+d really li%e is or o!r government to admit that they don+t have the balls to act!ally deal with o!r decaying c!lt!re and agree to whatever i=es that the %ids who read my boo% come !p with. 8owever silly or e=treme they might be. #he %ids will read the boo%" they will be presented with the simple act that on ?topia ` the st!pid" la-y and2or violent people were o!t/procreating the decent citi-ens by more than a B to 1 ratio" and then the last 10 pages will be blan%. My boo% will incl!de a pen and on the inal page o the story" when (+ve e=plained that or the moment the ratio o good people to bad people on ?topia ` is ro!ghly @02@0" (+ll as% them to inish the boo% and give it a happy ending. 8owever they eel is the best way to deal with the sit!ation" thatJs how o!r government wo!ld be orced to proceed. ( can almost eel yo!r chee%s getting l!sh with indignation. *o! co!ld never be allowed to read the boo% beca!se a ter ive pages yo!r brain wo!ld go h!rtling o into yo!r own dar% places and then yo!+d pro.ect all o that shit onto me" the a!thor2messenger. Even now ( can eel yo!r brain scrambling to po%e holes in the logic o this approach lest yo!

eel that (+m somehow ins!lting yo!. ( am. And mysel . And the crappy !nraveling world we+re c!rrently living in. ,e really are .!st going to let it all b!rn beca!se we don+t have the nerve to spea% !p" so now (+m t!rning to the %ids be ore they are poisoned by boo%s written by this degenerate generation telling them that the biggest problem in ?topia ` is that there aren+t eno!gh social programs or those st!pid" la-y and2or violent ?topians. #hin% o the little %ids yo! %now and then imagine what they wo!ld write. 3!r only hope may come rom the pens o babes. 'oo# han#s ( g!ess yo! can meas!re a day by how many times circ!mstances provo%e yo! into thin%ing something that yo! hadn+t planned on thin%ing abo!t. Li%e watching an ins!rance commercial that o ers yo! the ass!rance that yo!+re in +good hands+ promptly ollowed by someone in the ne=t advertisement o ering !p an observation" .!st as earnestly mind yo!" abo!t what the !t!re holds. My irst tho!ght is that i yo!+re b!ying li e ins!rance and yo! end !p collecting on it the only thing those +good hands+ will be doing is lowering yo! into the gro!nd or perhaps handing over some cash to yo!r grieving loved one so they can grieve in warmer weather and sip alcoholic beverages with ch!n%s o r!it clinging to the edge. (t sho!ld go witho!t saying that in the pict!re ( am trying to paint they are s!rro!nded by e=otic lowering plants. Even i the ins!rance yo! end !p !sing is car or home yo! can+t really e=pect the !t!re to +hold+ anything or yo!. #here+s a ton o st! loating o!t there b!t it will never be handed to yo!. Even i yo! have ins!rance" that .!st replaces the st! that gets lost or stolen. #he !t!re may hold a lot o promises b!t no certainties. #here are simply too many sayings that involve things slipping thro!gh yo!r ingers or it to be a coincidence. #hrow in the metaphors abo!t holding onto the past and those abo!t the present barely holding o!r interest and it+s hard to get a grip Ctho!ght ( was going to say hold" didn+t yo!5D on what+s worth grabbing to begin with. So the tho!ght ( hadn+t planned on thin%ing clearly has little to do with b!ying ins!rance. #he ironic part is that ( don+t really want to spend too m!ch time trying to ig!re o!t what it is (+m trying to thin% abo!t beca!se ( have this weird eeling it has to do with time. 'oesn+t it always seem that when yo! start tal%ing abo!t metaphors it+s simply a matter o time be ore the irst irony starts creeping in !ninvited5 So ( sit !p on the co!ch and debate whether to ollow this train o tho!ght or whether to change directions completely and as% alo!d why anyone who en.oys Chee-/(ts wo!ld b!y Chee-/(t 1arty Mi= which clearly contains less than 12@th the amo!nt o Chee-/(ts. As an aside" the bo=es are identical and when (+m shopping or snac% oods ( sho!ldn+t be e=pected to pore over every inch o a bo= to ma%e s!re (+m getting the right prod!ct. (

eel it wo!ld only be air i the Chee-/(t 1arty Mi= bo= had a h!ge red warning label plastered on it alerting people that anyone who p!rchases this prod!ct is going to be sorely lac%ing in the Chee-/(t department. Now yo! may thin% that the decision o choosing between these topics wo!ld be easy b!t ( ear that yo! are siding too 4!ic%ly with the weightier o the two. S!re (+d get to eel li%e 4!ite the little philosopher i ( chose to wrestle with the ormer seemingly poignant s!b.ect matter b!t in the end wo!ld ( act!ally get anywhere with it5 1robably not. 3n the other hand" ( can 4!ite easily ma%e a good case against pret-els" rye chips and cheese balls. 0iven only a ew min!tes ( co!ld probably cast o!trageo!s aspersions against anyone pre erring this !nholy mi= over good old plain old American old Cdamn" one too many oldD Chee-/(ts and be done with it. )ree to sin% bac% into the co!ch and waste the rest o my evening watching #: and pic%ing o!t pret-els" rye chips and cheese balls. ?sing my +good hands+ to %now my immediate !t!re holds only real cheese goodness. #here is no danger o getting tangled in irony when debating the virt!es o snac% crac%ers.

Fa&orite T$eets.
'o yo! ever catch yo!rsel thin%ing what an o!tstanding cra-y person yo!+d ma%e5 #here is no do!bt abo!t itA Shirley #emple was the creepiest child to ever e=ist. 8er movies are simply terri ying. As they li%e to say in a ive dimensional world ... even a bro%en cloc% is right o!r times a day. Bullie#- Bull - Bull #he problem ( have with most movies is the story involves too many coincidences to move the plot along. (t+s interesting and all" b!t it ta%es too many twists o ate to bring it all together in the end to be believable. *o!+ll orgive me i this story does the same b!t as (+ve said so o ten be ore it really did happen. E=cept this time ( mean it. (+m wal%ing thro!gh this semi/crowded mall with a girl and we+re disc!ssing elements o manhood. *o! %now" the hot/b!tton iss!es s!rro!nding what o!r c!lt!re de ines and interprets as manly. ( reali-e that by p!tting the words manhood and manly in bac%/to/ bac% sentences ( ris% so!nded a bit repetitive b!t ( want to encaps!late o!r conversation and the word HmanI too% ront and center. Event!ally the traits that lead to emale attraction po%ed their head !p" as opposed to .!st the !s!al h!nting and gathering parameters that are typically bandied abo!t" and it was agreed that a woman wants a man who can protect her. #here were many other points that we did not agree !pon b!t she was willing to admit that every woman wants to eel sa e when her man is aro!nd. #hat+s when her ass was slapped. #his is the part where my timing may get called into 4!estion b!t ( ass!re yo!" the words o accord between the two o !s had barely escaped o!r lips when a reso!nding whac%ing noise emanated rom the area o her bac%side and her reaction le t little do!bt that a good smac% on the t!sh lay behind the so!nd. ;ehind

the so!nd and behind my emale riend and her a orementioned and obvio!sly violated and probably throbbing t!sh l!r%ed a h!l%ing ig!re. 0rinning and covered rom bow to stern in tattoos he stood admiring his handiwor%. >Nice ass"> he o ered !p. My riend loo%ed at me. ( loo%ed at her. ( loo%ed at him. ( loo%ed at her again. She loo%ed at him and then bac% at me. ( was more than willing to %eep this !p all day when he spo%e again. >#his yo!r gay riend5> >Listen" dic%hole" apologi-e to the lady or we+re going to have a problem here.> #he words came o!t be ore ( co!ld stop them" some primal reg!rgitation o every action movies (+d ever seen. My eyes got s4!inty and ( slowly rolled my nec% aro!nd to get it loose as (+d seen done so many ighters do be ore entering cage. ( elt li%e a bird displaying my pl!mage or all the emales to see. *o! co!ld hear a pin drop and s!ddenly all the color drained rom his ace. Even his s%!lls tattoos seemed to ade a bit. My hands began to clench and !nclench. >Loo%" (+m sorry man. ( was .!st trying to have a little !n.> 8e bac%pedaled slowly and then t!rned a corner and was gone. ,hen a writer tells yo! that words ail him" yo!r irst tho!ght is nat!rally going to be that the writer is a pretty bad writer b!t (+m a raid that+s where ( sit. Cast aspersions i yo! m!st. #he glorio!s coc%tail o adrenaline and testosterone co!rsing thro!gh my veins had me di--y. *o! wo!ld thin% that my irst reaction wo!ld be to t!rn to my emale riend and bas% in her approval or gloat or even play it o as nothing b!t ( was too occ!pied with not having my penis stepped on as it sna%ed its way thro!gh -ed, -ath 3 -eyond and into the ood co!rt. >Sorry abo!t that"> ( said as ( event!ally t!rned to her. Moc% apologi-ing or s!ch a display was e=hilarating. She was l!sh and still ga-ing at my pl!mage. She said she had to pee so ( told her ( was going to inish gathering !p my dic% at the ood co!rt and get a Co%e. #r!th was ( was a bit relieved to have a ew moments alone to collect my tho!ghts and a ter we agreed to meet o!tside Little Caesars ( let o!t a long breath and inally was able to wipe my brow. #he brow/wiping was short/lived. Any time yo! have 2 hyphenated words in s!ch a short sentence yo! %now things aren+t going to go well and s!ch was the case here. As soon as ( had t!rned the corner who did ( see b!t my !nco!th antagonist m!nching on a pret-el. As we made eye contact he seemed completely nonpl!ssed which a ter o!r con rontation made me a little pl!ssed. 3bvio!sly" additional action was re4!ired. ( wal%ed right !p to him. >Listen p!ssy" why don+t yo! get the !c% o!t o here5> ( in4!ired" once again wearing the mas% ( had selected in o!r irst enco!nter. 8e slowly smiled and s!ggested that (+d had my win and ( sho!ld .!st let it go. >Maybe yo! didn+t hear me" S!nshine" time or yo! to go.> ( reached o!t to grab his collar and he yan%ed my arm towards him ever so slightly as his

ront oot slipped behind mine and then in a 4!ic% twist he sp!n me aro!nd as ( ell and ( ended !p on my %nees in ront o him with his other arm aro!nd my nec%. 8e contin!ed to eat his pret-el with the arm that was c!rrently cho%ing me. >Let it go"> he s!ggested again. ( was in the mood to let it go .!st this once. 8e sp!n me bac% !p to my eet with the same ease that he had deposited me there in the irst place. #he loo% on my ace m!st have been priceless beca!se he co!ldn+t help b!t la!gh a little when he saw it. >( ... don+t .... !nderstand> ( was inally able to stammer o!t. 8e e=plained that it+s .!st something he li%es to do. 8e drives to places nobody wo!ld ever recogni-e him and pretends to pic% on g!ys so they can have the empowering eeling o stic%ing !p or themselves. 8is large and earsome appearance .!st adds to the show. >,hat happens i they don+t de end themselves5> ( as%ed. 8e e=plained that he .!st %eep tormenting them !ntil they inally ind their bac%bone. #hen he sheepishly bac%s o and lets them en.oy a moment o p!re !n iltered masc!linity. #his g!y was a hero o sorts. (t was then that my emale riend t!rned the corner and saw me engaged with her ass/ accoster. )illed with a new o!nd sense o sec!rity she wal%ed right !p and slapped him. 8ard. 8e glowered ever so slightly. She was going in or another when ( grabbed her hand and told her that he+d had eno!gh and ( tr!ly elt he+d learned an important lesson. K!st to be s!re ( sent him on his way with short lect!re abo!t respect or women. #he !nny thing is on the way bac% to her place we had almost the e=act same conversation as we+d had be ore e=cept we+d switched sides. $ars are hell #he ,ar on the (mpoverished6 ( see those big barriers that divide noisy highways rom nice neighborhoods and ( can+t help b!t thin% to mysel that we need to p!t those !p between nice neighborhoods and decaying !rban areas. (+m not tal%ing abo!t those hip little city bloc%s that have Starb!c%s on them and everyone sits o!t on their stoop and wal%s their dogs and pic%s !p a ter them when they ta%e a crap. ( mean those areas where the residents don+t %now how to !se a ra%e or a garbage can. (+m tal%ing" o co!rse" abo!t poor people. Since 1resident Lyndon ;. Kohnson created the Aid to )amilies with 'ependent Children CA)'CD program the ?S has spent nearly ]X trillion on ending poverty. #hat+s ]X"000"000"000"000. 'o yo! have any idea how many barriers that co!ld have bo!ght !s5 8ell" we co!ld have .!st shipped all the poor people to New *or% City and then made it

li%e 9scape (rom >ew 7ork where we have troops stationed all aro!nd it to ma%e s!re all the poor people stay inside. #he roads co!ld be mined so nobody co!ld snea% over and apply or a .ob and the harbors co!ld be patrolled rom the air to prevent people rom swimming across to o!r side to ta%e night classes at some comm!nity college. ( don+t want to seem cold/hearted b!t the poor are .!st so completely hopeless and most o them are !npleasant to loo% at. ( resent them ma%ing me eel g!ilty every time ( decide to drop a ew bills on lipos!ction or my pet tiger. ,hatever happened to 'arwinism5 ,eren+t poor people s!pposed to become e=tinct or something5 ( yo! loo% aro!nd in nat!re yo! don+t see a lot o animals letting other animals reeload o them or r!in their school+s test scores or rob their li4!or stores" do yo!5 (+m all or a war on poverty. ( thin% we can ta%e +em. #he ,ar on 'r!gs6 #he problem as ( see it comes rom the act that people are always pointing to Amsterdam as an e=ample o a co!ntry where dr!gs are legal and things are o%. #hey say that i dr!gs were legali-ed in the ?S that the same thing wo!ld happen here and ( agree to a limited degree. #hat+s what wo!ld happen in (daho and Nebras%a. 3n the other hand both coasts wo!ld immediately go on a three year bender. ( have that image o the sailor %issing the girl in the amo!s Al red Eisenstaedt pict!re ta%en on :/K 'ay in #imes S4!are a ter the war with Kapan came to an end ... e=cept the g!y is on a combination o meth and ecstasy and he doesn+t stop at %issing and he+s doing it to everyone. And +that g!y+ is act!ally every g!y in #imes S4!are. And in New *or%. State. Loo% at the mess we get o!rselves in when we have to try and hide o!r vario!s appetites. ( yo! as% a shrin% they will say that we all have repressed desires and we+d better try and %eep it li%e that. ( too many o !s !nrepressed at the same time there wo!ld be long lines aro!nd the ad!lt boo% stores" the s!permar%et snac% isles wo!ld be barren and yo! co!ldn+t score a pair o tic%ets to see the 1in% )loyd laser show at the planetari!m at g!npoint. ( do agree that it s!c%s that we have to pay all those annoying Central American co!ntries to grow and2or ma%e o!r dr!gs or !s" b!t i we ta%e that away rom them then there will be nothing stopping their pop!lations rom e=ploding. $ight now ( thin% dr!g lords %ill abo!t B0\ o their own pop!lation every year" so in a way it all wor%s o!t. Altho!gh post/prohibition alcohol cons!mption arg!es against it" ( do wonder i having any dr!g yo! want on hand at the F/11 might ta%e away .!st a little o the appeal o them. 3 co!rse the point wo!ld be moot beca!se the F/11 wo!ld be getting robbed 2Z/F. #he ,ar on ,ar6 ,hatever happened to war5 *o! %now" li%e we read abo!t in the te=tboo%s. A man+s war where yo! declare it and then .!st !nload on the opponent. ,hen did the p!ssies ta%e over5 Now we can never !nload on anyone and we+re never at war with a co!ntry" we+re .!st in a disagreement with their leader. (n the good ol+ days we hated the Kaps or ,ops or the 9ro!ts. 8ated themE Called them horrible names and be ore every movie at the local cinema there was a little clip showing their cities devastated and smoldering away with bodies strewn everywhere and everyone at the movies cheered. Now" ( can+t even bring mysel to thin% abo!t it. ,hat wo!ld o!r ancestors say5 Now we bomb a town and be ore the smo%e even clears we+re bac% and reb!ilding everything on

o!r dime while o!r leaders o er their deep sympathies to whomever will listenE ,e can never get a war boner anymore. 'oesn+t it stand to reason that i a co!ntry is r!led by a leader then that leader is a re lection o the pop!lation5 ( that+s not the case then it is the responsibility o that pop!lation to get their shit straight be ore that leader does something st!pid li%e piss o the ?S. Am ( wrong5 ( .!st want to root or !s against them. Can yo! imagine a ootball game where a ter every to!chdown the team that scores has to apologi-e to their opponent and give them Z o the F points5 ( g!ess yo! co!ld ma%e the case that we bro!ght it on o!rselves beca!se be ore the ?S got involved in wars" both sides !se to .!st get everyone to line !p abo!t ten eet rom each other and ire away !ntil one side ran o!t o soldiers. ,e had to go and pioneer the idea that maybe we+ll be harder to hit i we ire rom the trees. Ne=t thing yo! %now o!r enemies are iring rom schools and hospitals and we+re sitting there with both hands tied behind o!r bac%s. ( want to go to war with another big co!ntry and .!st have at it. Missiles and e=plosions and tan%s and we %now who the bad g!ys are and we celebrate when we bomb the living shit o!t o them. All o them. K!st one more big throwdown in my li etime. >3ne o o!r stray missiles hit a school b!s illed with disabled seniors5 8oorayE> a 'ro$in' frien#shi+ ( was !naware o the similarities o synapses o the h!man brain and the root system o a plant. 3bvio!sly one is ar more advanced than the other and their !nctions are only similar in the act that they both move things rom one end to the other. (n the case o the brain its chemical signals while the roots per orm the more per !nctory tas% o providing n!trients b!t on some level it+s the same. ( sho!ld %now. ( don+t want to pretend to be an e=pert in either ield b!t what ( can tell yo! is that a ew months bac% ( got a raspberry seed st!c% between my molars so ( now %now a little something abo!t synapses and roots and whatnot. *o! see" ( le t the seed there too long and the ne=t thing ( %new it act!ally spro!ted. And too% root. (n my mo!th. Creepy" right5 Not as creepy as the act that a ter ( elt this discom ort and saw what had happened ( not only didn+t pic% it o!t o my teeth b!t ( allowed it to stay there and grow. Creepier" right5 Not as creepier as the act ( ate a ew pinches o Miracle 0ro plant ood. ,ell" not so m!ch ate as p!t a pinch in between my chee% and g!ms li%e a big/leag!er ball player. #asted li%e ass b!t ( got to spit and loo% cool or awhile. Sleeping was a problem at irst d!e to the act that it is cra-y pain !l to have a plant grow into yo!r g!ms. ( %now yo! thin% yo! can imagine it" b!t yo! can+t. Cra-y pain !l and it never really gets better. 3nce it bore thro!gh my !pper palette and made its way into my nasal cavity yo!+d thin% the worse wo!ld have been over b!t let me tell yo! something ...

nope. ( will admit that once it was thro!gh the bone it did grow aster" tho!gh. (t sna%ed its way !p to behind my eyeballs in no time. #hat+s where the whole synapses2roots thing comes into play. ( %now it so!nds ar etched b!t ( swear we hoo%ed !p somehow. ( act!ally saw or elt the tiny little ends o the raspberry b!sh roots to!ching some o my ne!roreceptors. #ic%led something aw !l at irst. 'id ( get s!perpowers5 Not at all and believe yo! me (+m as disappointed as yo! are. (+m not s!re what ( was e=pecting" maybe s!per tree strength or something" b!t a ter wee%s o e=cr!ciating pain the payo was a little on the lame side. So what did ( get5 )irst" ( got the s!perpower that everything ( eat tastes li%e crap. 3r dirt to be more e=act. ( was thin%ing it wo!ld taste li%e raspberries b!t no s!ch l!c%. ( haven+t been able to eat any raspberries yet as ( eel that it wo!ld be somehow wrong. Not e=actly cannibalism b!t close eno!gh or my li%ing. (+ve yet to eat any berry to be honest. So what else did ( get5 ,ell ( co!ldn+t e=actly call it tal%ing" b!t ( was empathetic as hell to a hanging plant o!tside my ront door. S!ddenly ( %new it %new how m!ch it h!rt me to hear my avorite song Melt #ith 7ou !sed in a ;!rger 9ing commercial. Even ( was !naware o how m!ch this na!seated me that the band wo!ld allow their song to be !sed to pitch b!rgers and rench ries" it wasn+t !ntil ( was standing there ne=t to my hanging plant that this h!ge sense o remorse and angst swept over me and then ( elt the plant 4!iver ever so slightly in sympathy. ( sort o nodded at it and then as%ed it a 4!estion. Not so m!ch as%ed as wondered it to mysel and elt it answer me. (+d always wondered why it never grew well. ( watered it and too% care o it b!t it was always on the verge o dying. (t never got !ll and green and never lowered. #!rns o!t that it %eeps loo%ing over the edge o the pot and seeing the big drop to the gro!nd and thin%s to itsel >this can+t be right.> ( la!ghed and tried to e=plain that everything is o% b!t every time it sways in the wind it %nows that it+s not in the gro!nd and thatJs !nnat!ral so it can+t 4!ite wor% !p to blooming. ,hen ( tho!ght abo!t it ( co!ldn+t ind any a!lt in the logic so ( orgave my hanging plant or being a tremendo!s !nderachiever. And that+s really the only power ( got or allowing a raspberry b!sh to grow inside my head. (t has the common decency not to spro!t o!tside my head or try to grow leaves o!t my ears so ( see no reason to evict it. (t seems content to live raspberry/less inside my s%!ll and share a higher conscio!sness with me so ( g!ess we+re st!c% with each other. A s!perpower wo!ld have been nice tho!gh. he ble$ at blo$in' 8e was .!st listening to the radio. Not thin%ing abo!t anything in partic!lar and h!mming along to the ;l!es #raveler song. 8!mming and listening and then hearing and then absorbing and then ree-ing in his trac%s. Listening witho!t a care in the world !p !ntil the part o the song where the harmonica starts to play. #he harmonica.

8armmmmmonica. #he so!nd o it. Sweet merci !l heavens" he !sed to play the harmonica and then he+s ree-ing. )ro-en by do!che chills head to oot. A do!chsicle. ,here was this compassionate 0od when he !sed to play harmonica5 8e remembers despite not wanting to" lashbac%s li%e little tremors in his head. 8is old riends" the g!itar players" seeing him coming and r!shing to stand and throw their g!itars into their cases and lee be ore he co!ld ma%e his way over. )!mbling in his poc%et to grab his harmonica be ore they co!ld depart. #he horror. 8armonica rom the 0ree% harm Cto r!inD and onica Cpeople+s en.oyment o m!sicD. 8e sees them now so clearly" the aces recoiling in disg!st and annoyance. ,hy didn+t he see them then5 ,hat twisted in l!ence did the harmonica have over him that made him blind to the e ects o his e=haling and s!c%ing and twisting his tong!e b!t mostly his s!c%ing5 S!ch was his level o s!c%ing that he s!c%ed the very irony o!t o s!c%ing at s!c%ing. 8e remembers b!ying a large harmonica Cas i the small ones didn+t do eno!gh damageD that was do!ble sided. 'i erent %eys. 3ne side he wo!ld play when he wanted to so!nd as i a el% was being violated in the rect!m by a wire br!sh" the other or when he wanted to so!nd li%e the same el% having his testicles stepped !pon by a steel/toed boot. ;etter %now in the mo!th harp comm!nity as the %eys o c and d. 3 everyone who had the mis ort!ne o being within earshot o his wind instr!ment it was the g!itarists or whom he elt the most regret. 8is riends who had toiled or years to get to the place where they co!ld s4!at !nder a tree or sit on some steps and pl!c% away at some ol% song and have pretty girls gather li%e moths at the lame to bat their eyes and sigh long sighs and his riends wo!ld play and the s!n wo!ld shine down and the birds wo!ld respect !lly clam !p and all was right in the !niverse. And then he wo!ld come rattling orward with his poc%ets illed with harmonicas. ;y that time he had hal a do-en o di erent ma%es and models as i someone wo!ld have a pre erences what caliber b!llet they wanted shot into their s%!ll. #he ;l!es #raveler song went on and on and the memories tormented him li%e lapping waves" eager to thr!st themselves !pon him the moment the last lashbac% retreated. 8is riends the g!itarists" and they were his riends which made the memories that m!ch more pain !l" wo!ld try and play songs where there was no hint o an opport!nity or a harmonica part. #hey wo!ld h!rry thro!gh bridges and s%ip entire sections or ma%e !p words or tal% or stop playing all together !ntil the danger o him starting in on a harp wo!ld pass. 8e wo!ld sit patiently li%e a m!sical sociopath s!ggesting Neil *o!ng songs with harmonica parts and the assembled emales wo!ld wrin%le their noses and ma%e it %nown to everyone b!t him" only beca!se o the mania that somehow too% hold o him and made him oblivio!s to the obvio!s disli%e o any noise even resembling a harmonica shown by others" that they disli%ed the harmonica and the terrible e ects it had on any song that had the bad l!c% to be on the receiving end o s!ch accompaniment. 8e heard them now" why didn+t he at the time5 (n his head he heard it all as clear as a bell. #hey wo!ld wonder alo!d i he %new that little spit b!bbles were orming on the other side o his harmonica and i he didn+t 4!it playing they were going to have to throw !p behind a

nearby tree. 8e wo!ld smile a ter a partic!larly no=io!s harmonica solo" witho!t reali-ing that he+d c!t his lip somewhere in the middle o repeatedly slamming the little steel instr!ment against his mo!th and his teeth wo!ld all be red and his lips swollen and cha ed" and then wonder why none o the girls wo!ld try to slide !p close and as% him abo!t his in l!ences and how o ten he practiced to become as good as he was. )inally Kohn 1opper inished !p Run round and he was able to brea% ree rom the terrible trance and e=hale. 8e hadn+t to!ched a harmonica in ten years b!t he elt a little tingle r!n !p and down his spine at the tho!ght o .!st how st!pid he m!st have loo%ed playing one. 8e saw it all so clear now. 3nly old blac% men loo% cool playing harmonicas. #hat+s when Middle of the Road by #he 1retenders started. 8e wasn+t getting o that easy this time. *as(s (+m not going to be aro!nd orever so ( need to show yo! how to do this witho!t me. (t+s really very simpleA yo! .!st have to wor% at it a bit. (+d hate to thin% i or some reason ( wasn+t aro!nd anymore that yo! wo!ld stop having pointless tho!ghts. Let me start by wal%ing yo! thro!gh the process. )irst yo! have to start with a premise. 'on+t p!t m!ch energy into this it really doesn+t matter. (n act" the more random and irrelevant the idea the better. Let+s say or instance yo! thin% that clowns sho!ld start a !nion. Now start writing. (t+s .!st that easy. 3nce yo! start writing" whatever yo! do" don+t stop. As this is yo!r irst time ( g!ess some hand/holding is in order. #he irst step wo!ld be to e=amine why clowns wo!ld need !nions. $emember that no reason is too st!pid and it doesn+t even have to ma%e sense. (t co!ld be cr!el treatment at a circ!s that yo! completely ma%e !p or it co!ld be concern or old clowns who can no longer p!t in eno!gh ho!rs to ma%e a decent living. (t doesn+t matter. And remember" .!st beca!se yo! are writing in de ense o clowns is no reason yo! can+t ma%e !n o them. 1ointing o!t the dilemma o a gro!p o pic%eting clowns as to whether or not to wear their white ace provides yo! the opport!nity to e=plore both how silly they wo!ld loo% holding angry signs while wearing bright painted/ on smiles and how ro!gh/loo%ing the clown comm!nity is witho!t ma%e/!p. A win/win or the reader. $emember" all yo!+re doing is p!tting the basic image in the readers headA it is !p to them to ma%e themselves la!gh. ( they don+t have the imagination to pic% !p that ball and r!n with it then it+s on them. *o! owe them nothing" always remember that. (t ta%es the press!re o . Another %ey element to writing a pointless story is to avoid eeling that yo! can+t go or the cheap .o%e. Altho!gh all clowns are %nown to wear enormo!s shoes yo! sho!ld eel almost obligated to point o!t that the new leader o the clown !nion has big shoes to ill. See what ( did there5

And best o all i yo! are r!nning a little light on word co!nt yo! can revisit this .o%e any time yo! li%e. K!st ri le thro!gh every stereotype yo! %now abo!t clowns and cram them into the story whether they it or not. Li%e when thirty clowns come po!ring o!t o one clown car e=cept in reverse. #a%e something as ordinary as a clown throwing a pie into someone+s ace. *o! can trans orm it into high comedy by replacing typical !nion th!ggery and ma%ing it a +drive pie.+ Now yo!+re getting the hang o it. *o! can even invent di erent clown !nions that cover hobos" children+s clowns" character clowns and even rodeo clowns. (nventing riction between them is worth at least a paragraph. #hen" .!st when the reader is convinced that he or she %nows where the story is headed yo!+ll want to ta%e a 4!ic% t!rn and change their e=pectations. #hrowing in a 4!ic% 4!otation li%e >(t seems pla!sible that olly and ools" li%e religion and magic" meet some deeply rooted needs in h!man society> will allow yo!r reader to ass!me or a ew seconds that yo! are re erencing clowns b!t then reali-e that yo! co!ld be ma%ing a pro o!nd criticism abo!t !nions. *o! !se their intelligence against themE 3 co!rse this 4!ote was abo!t clowns b!t beca!se yo!r reader doesn+t want to be ca!ght napping they ass!me yo! are smarter than yo! are. 'idn+t ( say this was simple5 ,hen yo! are inished yo! might eel the !rge to go bac% and change things in order to improve the story. 'on+t. (t never wor%s. *o! see yo!r s!bconscio!s li%es to weave itsel into even the most m!ndane writing and when yo! go bac% and change things yo! are letting yo!r conscio!s mind ma%e all the decisions. (t might be a s!btle change b!t believe me it will change something that yo!+re probably not even aware o . #r!st me on that. #he ending5 #a%e whatever yo! are disc!ssing and try to ma%e a point that the reader has both been e=pecting all along and yet does not see coming. *o!+re a writer now" aren+t yo!5 All yo! have to do is de ine e=actly what that is in as m!ch detail as yo! can and then ma%e the observation that yo! also .!st did a pretty good .ob o describing a clown.

" ABO?T T4E A?T4OR "

,hy wo!ld anyone care to %now personal details o a man that does most o his best writing in his !nderwear5 *o! o all people sho!ldn+t give a shit. ( yo! made it this ar then yo!+re probably wonder !lly !c%ed !p and a lot more interesting than he is. ,hat else is there to say5 i yo! m!st %now ... http622www. aceboo%.com2pages2Lance/Manion22X<1@[2X02Z[1BX5re fhl #witter6 LanceManion;log

= stories fro* the Lance Manion boo( Merciful Flush

the a*a5in' s+i#er *an So earlier tonight (+m h!rrying aro!nd doing all the things that need to get done be ore a big storm" the last o which is to r!n the recyclables o!t to the garbage can. (t had to get done beca!se dar% clo!ds sat on the hori-on li%e a at girl coming o!t o a don!t shop Cwhat5D and all the local weather stations had pretty m!ch p!t the chance o precipitation at 10<\. As ( h!rled my empties into the can my eye co!ldn+t help b!t be drawn to a spider. Not .!st any spider b!t a great whopping argiope a!rantia" better %nown as the 0olden 0arden Spider and one o three local species o argiope orb weavers. As ( watched ( reali-ed he was .!st starting the tedio!s tas% o b!ilding his web or the night. #he ol+ spinneret was cran%ing o!t proteinaceo!s sil% li%e nobodyJs b!siness and those eight arms were everishly at wor% p!tting !p the insect/catching str!ct!re. 1roblem was" the spider was b!ilding the web in between two garbage cans o!t in the open and it was abo!t to rain. #he spider was not only wasting time and energy b!t possibly endangering itsel in the process. ( did what any normal person wo!ld do when aced with this sit!ation. ( drew my ace in close to the b!sy little araneidae and screamed >it+s gonna rain d!mbshitE> #he little !c%tard %ept wor%ing. Now normally ( am 4!ic% to anger at the smallest o nat!re+s creat!res b!t or some reason cooler heads prevailed and ( began to try to reason with it. >Listen" yo! may thin% yo!+re the shit with yo!r sil% being stronger than steel o the same thic%ness and all" b!t yo! don+t %now dic% abo!t the weather.> #he spider was imm!ne to the e ect o my logic. ,hat was worse was that it had not started to rain yet so in some strange way ( elt li%e the spider was winning the arg!ment. >,e have technology spiderE ( know it+s going to rain. Eight legs or not yo!+re going downE> ( was orced to sl!mp down and await the rains that wo!ld bring my inevitable victory. ( started to get a little antsy. #his spider was ha!ling ass and wo!ld soon be done. #he seconds t!rned to min!tes and then the min!tes t!rned to tens o min!tes and still no rain. ( anything the winds that were ma%ing the web/b!ilding process so di ic!lt or o!r spider were letting !p. >)!c%ing weathermen.> Apparently the lies and beetles in my local area had also missed the orecast or the evening beca!se soon the air was b!--ing with activity. No sooner was ( waving my hands in ront o my ace to %eep rom inhaling one o the vario!s lying pests then ( glanced down to ind my spider nemesis was sitting in the middle o his inished web. ( loo%ed down at my watch. 8ad ( really been cro!ched down between my garbage cans or Z@ min!tes5E S!ddenly ( had the eeling ( was being watched. S!re eno!gh" a ter inspecting his cephalothora=" ( o!nd mysel staring right into the eight cold eyes o my

yellow and blac% archenemy. >,hy do yo! even need eight eyes5 1eople have two and we+re doing .!st ine don+t yo! thin%5> 8e contin!ed to moc% me. Sitting there in his web. >So this is what we+re doing tonight is it" yo! and me5> ( sat down and got com ortable. >*o! %now this is only or the night" right5 (n the morning (+m spraying this whole !c%ing driveway with $aid. Every inch.> (n slow motion ( saw the moth ly by my ace in a wild -ig/-ag and then head straight into the web. >Nooooooo...> >,hat the !c% %ind o lying is that5 'o yo! even %now where yo! want to go or do yo! .!st !c%ing careen aro!nd aimlessly !ntil yo! end !p eaten5> #he moth l!ttered brie ly in the web b!t he was ca!ght. #he spider" seemingly witho!t a care in the world" slowly made his way down the web to his capt!red prey. >Not tonight S!nshineE> Y!ic%ly ( reached into the web and pl!c%ed the moth o!t o it. >#hat+s right Mr. Eight Eyed ,eather 'iviner" no dinner or yo!.> ( tried to release it b!t the moth was st!c% to my ingers. (t still had webbing all over and try as ( might ( co!ldn+t get the shit o o it. No !se saving it only to leave it !nable to ly and an easy snac% or the ants. >)!c%E> 3 came a wing in my hand. >Shit. #his is no way to b!ild an insect.> Again ( elt the eight eyes !pon me. >*o! win" yo! winE 3%5> ( tried to lic% the ormerly/saved b!t now not/so/s!ccess !lly/ resc!ed moth bac% into the web b!t ( co!ldn+t get his stic%y ass o my inger. ,hite powdery shit started to get all over my hands. )inally ( was able to br!sh him o into the web. 8e didn+t str!ggle. 8e .!st lay there s!spended between the garbage cans. #he spider didn+t move. (s it possible to motionlessly e=press disdain5 >0o eat him bitchE> ;!t the spider contempt!o!sly .!st sat there. #he white dot in the web twin%led li%e an o!t/o /place star against the blac% driveway. As it was the only one o!t" ( almost made a wish on the s4!ished lepidoptera b!t instead ( t!rned and" a ter telling the spider that ( hoped he was happy" ( went to go bac% inside. #hat+s when the s%ies opened !p. uncontructionalis* ( thin% yo!+d be hard pressed to ind an ind!stry with a worse rep!tation than the home improvement crowd. #hese independent contractors ma%e !sed/car salesmen loo% rep!table in comparison. And who can blame them5 (s there anything !nnier than the idea o wor%ing on someone+s home and doing a poor .ob5 ( ( co!ld do anything in the world ( thin% (+d be a bad handyman. ( am a tr!e ollower" nay de*otee" o !nconstr!ctionalism. (+d de initely be a doors and windows g!y.

#here is .!st something so awesome abo!t agreeing to repair someone+s ront door and then only completing hal the wor%. Spend the morning ta%ing down the door and then the rame" going o to the 8ome 'epot to pic% !p the new door and then never ret!rning. K!st leaving the ho!se with no door. A big hole in the ront so the wind and small animals can .!st wal% the !c% in. #he homeowner ass!ming that (+ve gone or l!nch and then sitting there all mad and impotent as the a ternoon wears on and there is no sign o me. Nobody wo!ld thin% that ( wasn+t coming back. (t wo!ld be beyond their ability to process" they wo!ld .!st pace bac% and orth and then as the s!n sets they wo!ld be calling the porn line ( gave them as my phone n!mber. #rying desperately to e=plain how ( removed their door and didn+t ret!rn" while at the same time telling the girl who so!nds li%e she .!st arrived in the co!ntry via a reight container rom Eastern E!rope that they are not interested in what she is wearing. ( wo!ld .!st go home and sit there do!bling over in a it o glee imagining this poor !c% trying to come !p with some way to barricade the gaping opening in his once/sec!re home be ore a horde o mos4!itoes and stinging insects starts to march in and have at his amily. #he loo% on his ace the ne=t morning as he %eeps loo%ing o!t where his ront door !se to be waiting to see me p!ll !p and apologi-e and p!t in a door. ;!t ( never show. Ever. (t wo!ld be completely beyond him to thin% that ( wo!ld ta%e down his ront door and not come bac%. 8e+d be ro-en in disbelie . 8e might go si= months be ore he inally accepts (+m not coming bac% and he+s going to need to hire somebody to i= it. ( wo!ld be li%e some e=/lover in his s!bconscio!s. ( bet by the end he blamed himsel or me not ret!rning. ( ( really wor%ed hard ( bet ( co!ld remove both the ront door and the sliding glass doors in the bac% at the same time. Same disappearing act b!t now ( co!ld imagine the wind whistling thro!gh the ho!se in addition to all the other !npleasantness ( wo!ld be heaping on these st!pid bastards. ( swear" i ( le t and an ho!r later a terrible storm came thro!gh" with driving rain and lashing winds" ( thin% ( might die o .oy. K!st imaging the amily scampering aro!nd trying to bloc% the doors and mop !p the rain and wondering where people get all those sandbags when there are loods" it might .!st be too m!ch or my wea% heartE ( ( somehow came into a boatload o money" ( thin% ( wo!ld hire a team o wor%ers. #hat way ( co!ld ind a nice elderly co!ple and sta%e them o!t. ,aiting or the day be ore the irst big snowstorm o the season. #hen ( co!ld go in and remove all the doors and windows. En.oying the tea and bisc!its they wo!ld no do!bt o er !p" %nowing that ( was ho!rs away rom high/tailing it o!t o there with all their doors and windows in my possession. ;ac% to my secret lair li%e some sort o hardware 0rinch. $eading abo!t them the ne=t day. #he two ro-en corpses o!nd sitting in their living room waist deep in a snow dri t. 1ict!res o their grandchildren b!ried on the co ee table where only ho!rs be ore ( had en.oyed a ew 0ingersnaps and tales o their e=ploits in ,, ((. #hat may be the !nniest thing ( can physically imagine. #he police wondering who the !c% wo!ld steal an old co!ple+s doors and windows. 3ld people are .!st g!llible eno!gh to let someone do that. St!pid st!pid st!pid old people. #hey almost deserve to ree-e to death in their own living room.

( g!ess there is something so inherently v!lnerable abo!t doors and windows. #he whole >ho!se is his castle> thing. #a%e away the door and it+s li%e his ly is down in p!blic. #o!ch his windows and that simple act o enestration !ndermines his mental s!bstrate and threatens to ma%e him lose his tempered. Anyway. ( wonder how many people yo! need to do this to be ore yo! end !p with yo!r ace all over the #:. ( thin% it+s time ( o!nd o!t.

= stories fro* the Lance Manion boo( Results May Vary

u'l at +ro* #his is not something ( wanted to write. (t+s been more li%e a art (+ve been trying to hold in while s!rro!nded by decent company. (Jve been hoping the !rge to share this wo!ld pass b!t instead it grew stronger !ntil ( sit down here and it starts to escape li%e some metaphorical gas abo!t to poll!te anyone d!mb eno!gh to be nearby. #he problem started" li%e it does every year aro!nd this time" when ( see the local boys and girls getting all dressed !p or prom. ,hy it always leaps into my head (+m not s!re b!t it does" the power !l reali-ation that it m!st really s!c% to be an !gly girl on prom night. (+m not saying that li e is a party or the other B[Z days b!t prom m!st throw some e=istential spotlight on being !nattractive. #hen ( saw her. #he 8igh 1riestess o ?gly. 1oor !c%ing girl loo%ed .!st li%e #om 1etty with a long blonde wig and two small titties. Not even the $ard !romises #om 1etty b!t the right this min!te #om 1etty. (t wasn+t that ( was trying not to stare at her" staring was ass!med" ( was trying not to have my .aw hang slac% with drool pooling in the corners. She was o!tside ta%ing pict!res with a gro!p. #hat camera was in or a long evening. #hen ( did a 4!ic% headco!nt. )ive girls. )o!r boys. 3h shit. She didn+t have a date b!t was going anyway. ( co!ld have cried. ( totally admired her pl!c% in not letting the act that she was too !gly or words stop her rom en.oying an important evening with her riends. #hat wasn+t why the tears were gathering orces behind my seemingly/impassive eyes. ( was crying or the boys. #hey had" !n%nowingly and against their wills" entered into a game o coc%bloc% ro!lette with each other. 3ne o their dates was going to have to hang o!t with this !gly girl and %eep her entertained. 3ne o their dates was going to have to ta%e this !gly girl home so while they all la!ghed and smiled or the camera they also were shooting each other loo%s to see which o these poor condom/in/the/wallet/hoping/ to/be/!sed bastards it was going to be. And all the while she was galloping aro!nd with her #om 1etty ace r!ining every !c%ing pict!re she was in. *o! co!ld see the parents trying to invent reasons to separate the %ids or photos so she didn+t have to be in them. Each parents gripping their camera with a >Can ( get 3NE !c%ing pict!re witho!t that #om 1etty bitch in it5> loo% on their ace. (t so!nds as tho!gh (+m mad at her when in act (+m really not. My heart aches or her carrying aro!nd that ace every day. #he problem is ( imagine that she+s the %ind o girl that li%es her marshmallows at room temperat!re so when she is sitting aro!nd a camp ire she won+t even bother to stic% it on a stic% and pretend to roast it or even a second and

will .!st sit there eating them right o!t o the bag while everyone else is d!ti !lly holding theirs over the lames !ntil it inevitably catches ire or alls in. See what !gly does5 (t ma%es yo! eel li%e a bad person beca!se i the girl is !gly eno!gh yo! become a bad person. Especially at prom season. She probably doesn+t mind that #: and movies are agging !p vampires and werewolves. See5 #here it is again. ( went to prom. L!c%ily the world doesn+t mind !gly g!ys too m!ch. ( still remember the bl!e t!=" bl!e r! led shirt and one/si-e/too/large bl!e velvet bow tie. ,hat a !c%inJ mess ( was ... b!t it was o%. #here were !gly girls at my prom to ta%e the heat o me. ;!t nobody in the leag!e with the girl ( was staring at the other day. ( need some sort o mental mint to get her o!t o my head. 8er ace disproved a loving 0od right there and then. ( someone accidentally shot her they+d wal% bac% and shoot her in the head .!st to ma%e s!re she was dead. And probably not do any .ail time. (+m really not as terrible a person as ( am when ( see an !gly girl at prom. econo*ic +e+ tal( ( %new times were getting tight with the economy and all b!t ( had no idea that things had become generic cereal bad. As soon as ( sw!ng open the bac% o the station wagon ( saw it. 3cc!pying the space that sho!ld have been ta%en by my Lucky 'harms was a alien bo=. ( co!ldnJt 4!ite ma%e o!t what it was !ntil ( pic%ed it !p o!t o the bag that was partially concealing it. Magic "tars5 ,hat in the name o Christ is this5 ,hat the !c% is Magic "tars5 ( want something that is magically delicio!s and ( get this5 And what the !c% is that on the ront o the bo=5 An alligator loating in space with an astrona!t helmet on5 My head was spinning. ( elt all the strength draining o!t o me at precisely the wrong moment. (Jm not s!re how many other g!ys do this b!t bringing in the groceries is my wee%ly manly litm!s test. (tJs where ( ma%e s!re that ( am still a man. ( will loo% at the bac% o the station wagon" see 1F bags o groceries and say Htwo trips.I ( am the Magn!s :er Magn!sson o bringing in groceries. )or those that donJt ollow the ,orldJs Strongest Man competition" Magn!s is an (celander who won the competition o!r times. Neighbors have noted similarities in how we both move when carrying large weights W him with 1B0%g anvils and me with meat" vegetables and soda. Sh! ling !p the driveway to the ront door. So now ( sat with at least 1@ bags o groceries be ore me and my arms h!ng wea%ly" dare ( say limply" at my side. Not even Kon 1all Sigmarsson co!ld handle that many bags %nowing the ne=t morning he wo!ld be sitting down at his training table to a bowl

brimming with Magic "tars. ( remember when ( was a wee lad Cthe accent on acco!nt o my c!rrent i=ation with Lucky 'harms1 times got tight and generic ood started to creep into the pantry. ;ac% then it at least had the integrity not to try and pass itsel o as a 7realJ prod!ct. ,hen money was in short s!pply my Mom wo!ld march in with a bo= that said 'ereal on it. #hat was it. Cereal. And a green and blac% stripe on the top. Everything generic had this green and blac% stripe. #here wasnJt a lame attempt to disg!ise it as something other than cereal and there certainly wasnJt a space/going alligator trying to pass himsel o as a real mar%etable character. ;!t now there is no shame. #he artwor% is horribleA it loo%s li%e the cover art was done by the winner o an elementary school contest. Even the e=pression o the alligator is ba led. Li%e heJs wondering why he is loating in space" how he got the helmet on in the irst place and who on the distant planet beneath him wo!ld b!y a bo= o cereal embla-oned with his pict!re. #he alligator doesnJt even have a name. Seven trips. (t too% me seven trips to get in all the groceries. ( didnJt even dare pee% in to the other bags to see what horrors they contained. ( the Lucky 'harms werenJt sacred ( canJt even imagine what else ( was bringing into my home. ,hen ( see those old pict!res o people rom the 0reat 'epression staring ahead with that sad gla-ed loo% ( can start to !nderstand what they were going thro!gh. #his is AmericaE ,eJre better than Magic "tarsE ,e sho!ld be shipping that shit to A rica or something. 8ow can ( get my Mari!s- 1!d-ianows%i on !eled by the tho!ght o some ;/grade nameless/reptilian/pimped whole grain oats with marshmallows5 ( canJtE Come on economyE ,e m!st rebo!nd. ,e m!st recover and reb!ild. ,e m!st always be a ter o!r Lucky 'harms.