Castiel's Star

by blackdoggy1

Rated: M - English - Romance - Dean W. & Castiel Warnings: While this is Dean/Castiel slash and most of the characters are SPN characters, it is not set in the SPN universe, but in the real world so it is a strict AU and you'll find no demons, monsters or hunting in it. Think SPN meets a Lifetime movie. If strict AUs aren't your thing you may want to stop reading now. Also, John comes off in a really bad light in this. He's an alcoholic, mildly abusive, and neglectful father. Thanks to Peter for the inspiration and letting me borrow the general idea.

Present Day Dean pulled up to the rocks that formed a steep drop off to the ocean below. For a few minutes he sat quietly and watched the gulls. It had been ages since he'd seen this place. As a kid, he'd spent many summer afternoons climbing over those rocks, searching for treasures in the crevices. Sometimes he came away with nothing more than a few interesting looking seashells, but more often than not he found things that had fallen off the many ships that frequented the small harbor washed up on shore. A pocket knife, an antique bottle, and bits of paper with unreadable languages from distant lands. Looking out at the view now, he sighed. The memories of those bright, carefree days were an illusion. The reality of his childhood had been much harsher. That's why he'd left Moss Point so many years ago had run and never looked back. Now he was here again for the first time in ten years and he was on a mission. There was only one force on this earth powerful enough to draw him back to this place. Castiel. .. Twenty Years Ago Dean watched the scenery slip by the car window in silence. Moss Point. Great. That sounded exciting. He didn't understand why they couldn't stay in St. Louis. He'd had friends there, not a lot, but some. And there was stuff to do, when he was able to get out of the house that is, when he didn't have to look after Sammy. But of course his dad had to go and blow it again. It was always the same. They moved to a new place, John started drinking, made a mess of things, lost his job, and then they were on the road again. Dean wondered how long they'd be in Moss Point. For once he

was hoping his dad would fuck things up sooner rather than later so they could get out of here cuz this place looked boring as hell. As they turned down a sloping hill that led to the waterfront something caught Dean's eye. He saw a small boy off to the side of the road, kneeling down and picking at the cracked asphalt with a pocket knife. When they drove past the little guy looked up momentarily and Dean caught sight of two enormous blue eyes. The boy looked to be about Sam's age and Dean frowned as he wondered what such a little fella was doing out in the road all by himself without anyone to look after him. Dean would never have let Sammy do that. Wouldn't let him have a knife either. Sure, Dean had his very own Swiss army knife. It was a gift from John's last girlfriend. She was nice to the boys, unlike most of the others John had - and boy was Dean pissed when his dad screwed that up too. She was part of the reason they moved, Dean suspected though his father never mentioned it aloud. When Carol gave him the knife she made him promise not to let Sammy play with it cuz he was too little. Dean had agreed wholeheartedly. Weapons weren't for little kids. Dean was eleven, practically grown, but a kid Sammy's age was way too young to be playing with dangerous stuff. As Dean pondered on the tiny little boy alone in the road, John pulled the truck into the parking lot in front of the wharf where the general store was located right on the dock. His dad turned and grunted, "We're meeting Bobby here. Don't steal anything." Dean rolled his eyes and slid out of the cab before turning around to help Sammy out. It was a steep drop for the kid and Dean helped swing him down by his arms. Sammy always loved that and grinned up at Dean as he chirped, 'Tanks!' Dean had to grin back. Sammy was the one good thing he had. No matter how much John was gone, or how many times Dean got smacked when John was drunk, or how many mother figures came and went from his life, or how many times they had to pull up stakes and move Sammy was always there looking up at him with wide eyed adoration and unwavering cheerfulness. Being Sammy's big brother made Dean proud, even when the kid was being a pain in the butt. Sammy grabbed Dean's hand and they followed their father quietly into the store where he inquired about Bobby. The old man behind the counter had kind blue eyes and was friendly enough, explaining Bobby was just tying up down the dock and would be in in a minute. While John went about collecting a few things he needed, Dean and Sam wandered the aisles aimlessly. But Dean still couldn't shake the sight of that kid from his mind. "Hey mister?" Dean said to the old man. "There's a little kid up on the hill out in the street all by himself." "Mind your own business," John broke in shooting Dean a warning glance. He never liked getting close to people and didn't want the kids doing it either. Thought they should all worry about their own problems and the rest of the world could go fuck themselves.

But Dean knew his father well enough to know it was only a cursory warning. He wasn't in trouble. Yet. So being the stubborn little bastard he was he kept trying. Turning back to the man he said, "Wasn't paying any attention to traffic. He could get hit or something." The old man frowned, "Little guy with wild black hair and blue eyes?" "Yeah," Dean nodded. Mr. Parker, as Dean would later learn his name to be, gave a sigh and turned to pick up the C.B. radio on the counter behind him. "Deacon? You around?" A second later Dean heard a crackling voice come back "10-4 Max, whatcha need?" "Mind swinging by the hill and picking up my wayward grandson? He's out in the street daydreamin' again." "No problem. I'll get him." "Thanks Sheriff." "10-4" Putting the the CB back on its hook he turned to Dean with a wide, genuine smile and said, "Thanks, son. I appreciate it." Dean beamed proudly and glanced over at his father to see if he was doing the same. He wasn't of course. Nothing Dean did ever seemed to make John proud. The best he could ever seem to manage was to not make John angry. Didn't matter though cuz he'd done something right today. He'd kept a kid from maybe getting run over and even if his dad didn't give a shit, the kid's grandpa did. "How bout an ice cream soda on the house?" Dean smiled but thought for a minute before asking, "Would it be okay if you split it in two glasses so Sammy can have some?" Mr. Parker laughed when Dean motioned to his own little fella peeking out from behind Dean's back. "Son, you can each have your own full sized one!" Sam jumped up and down in glee as the man asked John, "That okay with you mister?" "Huh?" John frowned and barely looked up from the box of fishing lures he was studying, "Yeah whatever." Parker narrowed his eyes slightly at the way John was ignoring his boys and that made Dean like the old man even more. But then he turned to the kids with a smile and shrugged. "Alrighty boys, hop up there on those stools and I'll get you set up." As Dean was lifting Sammy up onto his stool Dean heard the CB crackle again and the Sheriff's voice ring out in amusement, "Got the dangerous fugitive in custody Max. I asked him if he wants a lawyer but he says he'll settle for a bologna sandwich."

Laughing Parker picked up the speaker and answered, "Yeah that's my Cass alright." "Shall I run the little fella in or will you be taking responsibility?" "Yeah bring him down, I'll make him lunch." Dean brightened at that. He was gonna get to meet the kid he 'saved'. Also, Sammy might make a new friend his age. Maybe Moss Point wouldn't be such a crappy place after all. The people at least seemed nice. As it turned out though, Sammy making a new friend would have to wait and so would the sodas. Bobby came in just then and John was eager to get to the new house, ignoring Dean's protests that they hadn't got there sodas yet. The shopkeeper gave him a sympathetic smile and said, "Don't worry about it, kiddo. You come in next time and you'll get your sodas, I promise. Hey what's your name by the way?" "Dean Winchester and this is my brother Sammy." "Well Sam and Dean, nice to meet you," he called after them as John dragged them out the door. . Present Day Dean let out a deep breath and gunned the engine. He smoothly pulled the car back out onto the road and headed out to the old home place on the edge of town. Sam owned it now, and from the pictures he'd sent it was clear he'd done a lot of work to it. Place looked awesome but then Sam had always been good with his hands. Still, Dean was a little anxious about going back to that place. It would be good to see Sam of course. He still loved his baby brother to bits; but in the years since he'd hauled ass outta town Sam would always come to Dean during the holidays, no matter where he was. It was a lot of trouble for his younger brother to go to, Dean figured. But then Sam had a big old heart and seemed to understand without being told that coming back to Moss Point would be too painful for him. When he'd called last week and said he was headed home Sam sounded shocked, happy, but shocked. Dean had been a little shocked at himself. In the course of one evening, everything he'd thought about his life and his path had changed. The night he'd made the call he'd been sure this was the right thing, that it was worth the risk. As he pulled into the driveway of the home he hadn't seen in a decade though, he was suddenly terrified. What the fuck was he doing? How could one drunken trip to a two bit scam artist fortune teller land him right back in the place he'd swore he'd never see again? He had half a mind to peal out of the driveway, hit the highway and never look back. But then there was Sam ginormous, goofy Sam - standing on the porch waving excitedly with that big, cheerful grin. It was just as infectious as it had been when they were kids and Dean was beaming as he jumped out of the car and ran up to embrace his baby brother in a big bear hug.

"Good to see you man," Sam choked out, threatening to tear up. Dean smirked at him, "Yeah you too you big girl." Sam laughed good naturedly and swung one of his giant meat hooks around Dean's shoulder as he pulled him into the house. "Well come on, have a look around! I'll show you what I've done with the place!" Dean let Sam drag him through every room of the old two story and show him all the improvements. He had to admit, he was really impressed. The place was damn near unrecognizable on the inside. New dry wall and paint replaced the old nicotine stained wallpaper that had once borne so many holes from John's drunken rages. The kitchen had polished oak cabinets that Sam had made himself as well as gleaming white tilesand hey, not a cockroach to be seen. That in itself was probably the most refreshing change in there. The torn up hardwood floors in the dining room and living room had been replaced by thick, luxurious carpet and even the windows were relatively new. "It looks great man," Dean assured him as they finished the downstairs tour and carried Dean's luggage up to the bedroom. "Well I still have a lot of work to do upstairs," Sam said apologetically. "Hope you're not too disappointed with that. It's just I've been teaching a lot of night classes this semester and filled in for another professor over the summer and haven't had the amount of free time I usually do. It's getting there though." "Hey dude. I'm just happy to be-" Dean meant to reassure him until the bedroom door swung open and he was transported into another time. Sam was right when he said he hadn't had much time to work on the upstairs, or at least he hadn't got to Dean's room yet. It was virtually the same..in fact it was exactly the same with the exception of new windows and new linens and comforters. Same bed, same furniture, same books on the shelves. Even Dean's old AC/DC and Zepplin posters were still hanging on the wall. "It uh- kinda looks like a shrine to uh me," Dean stammered. Sam cast his eyes down and looked sheepish for a minute. "It's been a little hard to work on this one, Dean. It's just I hardly ever get to see you and this is kinda all that I've got left of " Dean bit his lip and slapped Sam's shoulder. "It's okay Sammy. It's my fault. I stayed away too long. Didn't call enough. I I'm sorry." Then Sam in his unsinkable optimism perked right up with a big smile, "Well you're here now, you know? This can be a whole new start for us!" Dean smiled but turned away. He wasn't sure about that. He hoped so but to be honest, he didn't really have much of a plan here. He'd come on a whim spurred by a two day bender and a 'psychic's promise. In his desperation he'd latched on to her words and come cross country. At this point, he had no idea how anything would turn out. Maybe Pam (and who knew if that was even her real name) was right and Dean would come out on top; but then again, maybe he'd make a worse

fucking mess of things and end up hurting Sam in the process. He hoped not. It was the last thing he ever wanted to do. "Well, I'll leave you alone to get unpacked while I start dinner." Dean nodded absently as he threw his bag onto the bed. A few minutes later with Sam safely downstairs in the kitchen, he started rifling through the bureau drawers. Everything was still there, just as he had left it. Pens, notebooks, movie theater stubs, a few concert passes, but he still couldn't find what he was looking for. As he went through each drawer he got more frantic. What if it wasn't here anymore? What if he'd lost it and after all these years just couldn't remember. By the time he reached the bottom drawer he was throwing things onto the floor right and left in his sudden need to find his one prized possession. Just as he was about to give it up for hopelessly lost his fingers landed on something cold and hard. Anxiously he closed his eyes and pulled the object out. He sat there for a minute and held his breath. Please let this be the star. Please. I need it. He cracked his eyes ever so slightly to take a peek and there it was, Castiel's star. Actually, it was just an old beat up sheriff's badge tarnished by age but it had once meant everything in the world to Castiel.and later on to Dean. Twenty Years Ago "Well here we are, kids" Bobby said as they pulled into the gravel driveway. "What do you think?" Sammy sat up in Dean's lap to peek over the dashboard of the old Ford pickup so he could see. Dean didn't think he should bother. The place was a dump. Peeling paint and broken shutters. Livable, sure, but still a dump. He didn't say anything though. Truth was, he had instantly liked his dad's friend Bobby, and the guy was doing them a favor after all, helping John with a job and finding a cheap as dirt place they could afford. Dean couldn't imagine why anyone on earth would go to such lengths for his sorry ass father, but Bobby had. Maybe he was just doing it cuz he felt bad for Dean and Sam. Either way, Bobby seemed like a damn nice guy and Dean wasn't gonna be ungrateful. It wasn't his fault John was a dick and couldn't get his shit together. And Dean had learned early in life that most people wouldn't lend a hand to help if your hair was on fire so he was not gonna shit all over this guy's good heart. "Cool," he said and managed to sound half way convincing. Sam needed no convincing because everything was always an adventure to him. "Thanks Bobby,"John said as they made their way inside and Dean almost passed out. He'd never heard his dad thank anyone for anything. "Hey guys?" Bobby said, casting his direction toward the boys. "How bout you go upstairs and take a look at your room? I put some furniture in there and you can probably get some posters and stuff, fix it up how you like. Didn't know what boys your age were into."

Dean smiled and nodded. He didn't care that much about the room. He'd been in so many one was good as another; but he could tell Bobby wanted to talk to his dad alone. So he took Sammy's hand Sammy was weird about wanting Dean to hold his hand every time they went in somewhere new and led him up the narrow staircase. After giving the room a quick glance (seemed good enough with two twin beds, a wardrobe, a little Sam-sized desk and a bureau), he left Sam to play with the drawers and snuck halfway down the stairs to listen in to the men's conversation. He could only hear snippets but he got the drift. Gotta stay sober John can't have you on the boat drinkin' I know Bobby, I'm off it for good now Uh-huh I mean it this time, Bobby. Kids can't take much more. I can tell that. John you saved my ass in Vietnam and I count you as a friend. But you gotta get off your ass and do better by them kids I know, I'm tryin' Well rent's cheap here, decent school and all, but the town is small and you gotta stay outta trouble. Word spreads fast. You don't want that on those boys. Dean sighed. He'd heard this lecture before from Jim, a preacher they'd known in Cincinnati who was a distant relative of their dead mother. He'd been nice toojust like Bobby. Had given them a hand, tried to help John. And there had been promises on John's part, oh so many promises. John of course had broken them all, burned that bridge and they'd left Ohio after just six months, never looking back. Dean was over it, over hoping his dad would ever shape up. The man was just a fucking mess and always would be. The way Dean saw it he just had to survive this mess and raise Sammy the best he could since John wasn't gonna do it worth a damn. Then he could be free. One day, he could leave his father behind and never have to put up with his abuse or neglect ever again. It was the only dream he ever had about when he grew up. Bobby had kindly stocked the kitchen with food and after a lunch of peanut butter sandwiches and mac and cheese, Dean walked with him out to his truck. "Thanks Bobby," Dean said and he really meant it. It wasn't paradise but it was the best the man could manage to do for them and Dean was grateful for himself and for Sammy. "No problem Dean," Bobby smiled. "There's a lot of kids in town your age. Once you start school I'm sure you'll make friends quick." "We met one todaywell kinda," Dean said. "He was Sam's age though. He was a little guy." "Oh yeah?" Bobby asked as he opened the truck door.

"Yeah, his name was Cass. He's the shopkeeper's grandson." Bobby laughed light heartedly, "He's not Sam's age, Dean. He's yours. In fact, he'll probably be in your class." "What?" Dean asked shocked. "Yeah I know. Tiny, right?" Bobby nodded. "It's cuz of his hip." "His hip?" Dean frowned. "Yeah, you didn't see him limping real bad?" Bobby asked. "No," Dean shook his head. He hadn't really noticed anything wrong with the boy, except that he was in the street. But then, he had been kneeling down and Dean never actually saw him move from the spot. Bobby sighed, "Yeah, poor kid. Born crippled and with a crazy mama. He's a good boy though. Real shy. Doesn't have many friends, but he's got his grandpa and Deacon of course. Deacon's the sheriff. He's Castiel's hero." With that Bobby waved goodbye and drove off leaving Dean to think about the mysterious Castiel. Now he was even more anxious to meet the boy. Castiel sounded a lot like Dean. Crappy parents, crappy life, no friends. Yeah, Dean could relate. Maybe they could even be friends. . Twenty Years Ago The weekend after they'd arrived, John dropped the boys off down by the wharf to explore the town while he went to the Salvation Army for house wares and some school supplies for the boys. Ugh- school, Dean thought as he walked down towards the general store with Sammy trailing a foot behind. He hated always being the new kid. At least this time he got to take Sammy with him. He'd started kindergarten in St. Louis but it was only half-day and at a different school than Dean. In Moss Point there was only one elementary school so they'd both attend together. That helped cuz Dean could focus on keeping an eye on Sammy between classes and lunch so he didn't have to think about being the 'new kid', the 'outsider', the 'freak'. Of course that wasn't the only reason he didn't care for school. He'd always had trouble with his grades. For years John had told him he was being lazy but as it turned out he'd been diagnosed with a learning disability last year, thanks to a perceptive and concerned teacher. She started helping him after school and it was really workingbut that was before and John didn't give enough of a shit to pursue it so in his new class Dean would just go back to being the dumb kid too. It was embarrassing. So yeah, school was a complete nightmare for Dean; but it was still a whole weekend away and for today Dean had his mind on something else. He was eager to find the little blue-eyed boy from the street. He didn't know why that had become so important to him, just that Castiel seemed to be the only interesting thing in this town. Besides, Mr. Parker still owed him a soda.

Dean instinctively took Sam's hand as he pushed the swinging door open and entered the store. Mr. Parker was just finishing ringing up a pretty woman at the register and he smiled at them when they walked in. "Hey Sam, Dean," he nodded. "You boys ready for your sodas?" "Yes sir!" they barked in unison making the woman laugh. "Well aren't you two just a ray of sunshine on this cloudy day?" she drawled with a grin. "Ellen, let me introduce you to the two newest residents of Moss Point, Dean and Sam Winchester," Mr. Parker motioned to them. "The little one is Sam. Boys this is Miss Ellen, she's the sheriff's wife." "Hi," Dean said boldly while Sam shrunk behind him nervously. Dean grinned at him and then turned back to the woman. "He's a little shy." "Oh yeah? Sounds like another little boy I know," she smirked, but she didn't direct that at Dean. She seemed to be looking over the counter at someone. Just then Dean noticed the very top of a wild shock of black hair sticking up from behind the counter. His heart skipped a beat. Castiel was here! Why that should make him so happy he had no idea, but it did. "Castiel, now you quit hidin' back there and come introduce yourself. We gotta make a good impression on the new folks," Ms. Ellen said gently. There was a pause when nothing happened and then Dean could see the hair move slowly down the counter, around the corner and finally out into the open where Dean got his first good look at the boy. He was small, but not quite as small as Sam. For his age though, he was practically a midget. Bobby had been right about the hip. Castiel's right leg was turned inward at an awkward angle so he stood sort of slumped to one side. Dean imagined walking must be kind of painful for him. The boy's hair was a thick, tangled mess and he had the biggest, brightest pair of blue eyes Dean had ever seen. "Hi," Castiel said shyly but wouldn't look at him. "Hey, I'm Dean," he answered and walked straight up to the boy sticking his hand out. Castiel seemed almost panicked for a minute like he didn't know what to do but then he hesitantly shook Dean's hand. Sam, who up to now had been clinging to Dean's shirt tails, finally piped up, "I'm Sam!" Castiel grinned at his squeaky little voice and said, "Hey Sam." For a minute they all stood there staring uncomfortably at each other, or the floor, or the counter, the way kids did when they were strangers and didn't know quite what to say to each other, especially if grownups were watching. Castiel seemed the most relieved when his grandfather interrupted. "Well Cass, I promised Dean and Sam here an ice cream soda? You want one?"

"Uhm," Castiel seemed to be considering it. Actually, it looked like he was considering the best direction to bolt in but then he looked up at Miss Ellen who gave him an encouraging little nod. Finally he glanced back at his grandfather and said quietly, "Yeah, guess so." Parker smiled and said, "Alright kids, step right up to the bar and tell me what flavor you want." Dean lifted Sammy a little so he could get his feet on the foot rest then made sure Sam could pull himself all the way up without falling. Castiel looked warily at Dean before finally climbing up on the stool at the end. Seeing as he was only a bit taller than Sam and his leg made it hard to maneuver, it was a bit of a stretch and Dean had an urge to give him a boost as well. "You need some help?" Castiel shot him a disgusted look and said, "I can do it myself. I'm not a baby." "I'm the baby!" Sam chirped proudly and that at least, made Castiel smile. Sammy seemed to have that effect on everyone and Dean was particularly happy about that right now cuz he thought he might have just offended the strange boy. "Well you boys have fun now. I'll see you later," Miss Ellen said patting the top of Castiel's head while Dean climbed into his own stool. "Nice to meet you," Sammy leaned back and smiled at her upside down. It earned him a grin in return. "Nice to meet you too, Sammy. You boys should come out to the farm sometime. We've got an old tire swing and even a couple of horses. Castiel visits all the time. Maybe he can bring you out." "That sounds cool," Dean chimed in but Castiel just looked down at the counter, fidgeting and blushing. With a final wave, the sheriff's wife headed out the door leaving the three boys once again in awkward silence until Mr. Parker came over and asked, "So Sammy what flavor do you want?" "CHOCOLATE!" "And you Dean?" "I'll take the same," Dean answered trying to sound grown up. It's true he didn't get treats very often but he didn't want to seem like some dumb giddy kid over it. "Cass?" "I dunno," Castiel kept his eyes down as his grandfather waited patiently. "Don't really want one I guess." "How about a banana split then? Or an ice cream cone?" Parker prodded but Castiel just kept shaking his head no. Finally his grandpa gave it one last shot. "Bologna sandwich?"

Before he could answer a voice rang out behind him, "Well now, I'll take one of those." It was the same voice Dean had heard over the CB a few days ago and he turned to see a tall, dark haired man in a uniform stroll in. "Hey Deacon, how ya doing?" Castiel's grandfather greeted him. "Good, good. Some guy turned his truck over up on the highway so I been up there all morning." "Nobody hurt I hope." "Naw," Deacon shook his head with a laugh. "But he was shipping out to Tyson's so I mean to tell you there are chickens up there running every which way and feathers from hell to breakfast." "Can we go see them?" Castiel cried out and Dean turned in surprise to see the sullen little boy's demeanor had done a 180. He was all smiles now that the sheriff was here. "Well sure," Deacon answered. "Maybe your friends here would like to come along." Mr. Parker interrupted before Castiel could answer, introducing Sam and Dean to the High Sheriff. After all the greetings were made he continued, "Their daddy's a friend of Bobby Singer's. Gonna be working on his boat." "Ah, yeah. Bobby told me he had some friends moving to town. Well, fellas, if you ever have any problems you just let me know." Dean eyed him a bit cautiously, as John had always shied away from authorities and taught Dean to do the same; but Deacon caught the expression and laughed it off, "Don't let the uniform intimidate you kid. I'm actually a pretty nice guy. Right Cass?" Castiel nodded enthusiastically and Dean felt oddly at ease in the sheriff's presence from that point on. Besides, watching a bunch of crazy chickens running around sounded like more fun than dragging Sammy up and down the street for four hours. "So we can check out the wreck?" "Sure thing, if it's alright with your dad." Yeah, like he gives a shit where we are or what we do, Dean thought. Outwardly he put on his best Eddie Haskell smile and answered, "Sure. He had some errands to run anyway so Sam and I are just hanging out. He'd be glad we had a cop looking after us. Hey Sammy, wanna go see some chickens?" "CHICKENS!" Sammy cried, raising his small fist in triumph, making everyone laugh. Everyone that is, except Castiel, who Dean noticed had grown suddenly quiet since finding out Dean and Sam were going on the chicken expedition as well. "Well go on and have your sodas and then we'll go," Deacon said taking a seat at the only empty barstool left. For the next fifteen minutes Dean and Sam happily slurped their reward down while Deacon ate lunch and Castiel picked silently at his bologna sandwich.

.. Present Day "Dude, that smells great," Dean pronounced as he strolled into the kitchen to the aroma of fried chicken mashed potatoes, and fresh baked biscuits. Sam smiled and said, "Well my cooking skills are a little limited. Jess offered to come over and fix us something more extravagant for your first night in town but I just kinda wanted it to be me and you if that's okay." Jessica was the girl Sam had been dating for a couple of years now. He'd actually brought her out to Boise last Christmas. Dean was working in a mechanic's shop out there at the time and it had been the coldest winter of his fucking life. Christmas had been nice though and he really liked Jess. She was sweet and bubbly and doted on both of them like crazy. "She didn't mind?" Dean asked. He hated to put the girl out. He was actually kind of hoping Sam would marry her. Sam needed the company, frankly, and Dean couldn't think of a better woman for him. "Naw," Sam answered as Dean helped him set the table. "She understands." "She's a great girl, Sammy," Dean encouraged. "Yeah, she really is," he said then paused. "I uhm I'm thinking about proposing." "Really? That's terrific dude!" "Yeah?" Sam asked, his eyebrows raising in surprise. "Well sure. Why wouldn't it be?" Dean frowned. "I just I didn't think you approved of the domestic life," Sam shrugged. "I mean you never seem to want to settle down yourself and-" When Dean shot him a bitchface he quickly covered himself, "I mean, you know, with a guy. I know you're not gonna have a wife and kids but you've never tried to make it work with any uhm-" Dean let him off the hook with a smirk, "It's okay Sam. You can stop babbling. I knew what you meant man. But I'm happy for you. I think she's about the best thing that's happened to you." Sam beamed proudly and Dean was glad that he could approve wholeheartedly of the match. Even after the way he'd abandoned this town and his little brother, his opinion still meant a lot to Sam. Dean was more than happy to give his support and just felt lucky it was even desired at this point. A few minutes later they were stuffing their faces with the best damn chicken Dean had ever tasted. Who knew Sam was a pretty damn good cook after all? Jess must have taught him. Another point in the girl's favor. "Hey," Sam grinned out of nowhere. "You remember the great chicken hunt?"

Dean burst out laughing, "Oh hell yeah. How could I forget you running after those things on your chubby little legs, arms in the air screaming 'CHICKEEEEEEENS!' like some kind of battle cry." "Yeah," Sam snorted. "Man that was fun. One of my first memories really. I still can't believe Cass caught that chicken." Dean laughed at the memory but then faltered as he thought of Castiel. He abruptly changed the subject, "So, how is everybody?" Sam must have sensed his mood and rolled with the change, "Uh, well Bobby's good. Mostly retired now, has hired on some Portuguese immigrants to run the boats. He just likes to sit on the dock and bitch at them to do this, do that." Dean laughed at the image as Sam continued. "And you know what happened to Deacon this past March." Dean nodded soberly, "Heart attack right?" "Yeah," Sam said. "He was young for it, but it ran in his family so-" Dean muttered casting his eyes down. "Sorry I didn't make it back for the funeral." "Everyone understood, Dean," Sam said gently. "No," Dean shook his head. "I shoulda come back for that. How's Ellen doing?" "Good," Sam said and sounded a bit more optimistic. "She's still running the farm. The town's been good to her. Everyone thought so much of him." "Well he was a good man," Dean choked out trying not to burst into tears. "Yeah," Sam responded sadly. He gave Dean a minute to get himself together. "So you ever hear from Dad?" Dean asked. Might as well get all the tough shit out of the way at once. Sam snorted, half in amusement and half in disgust. "Yeah sometimesmostly when he's in trouble. He's still down in Florida. Had a couple of DUIs, a couple of bar brawls too. Works now and then, whatever he can find. Taken up with some woman down there. From what little I know about her she's trash." Dean nodded. Yep. That sounded like John alright. "I've got his address and his number if you -" "No," was all Dean said. Sam nodded in understanding. "Okay." For a minute they went back to eating in silence but Dean could tell Sam wanted to say more. He braced himself for what he knew was coming so it wasn't a shock when Sam finally piped up with, "So are you gonna ask?"

Dean thought about feigning ignorance, but what was the point. Sam knew him well enough to know who was really on his mind. Besides, with Castiel's star weighing down heavily inside his shirt pocket he couldn't muster nonchalance at the moment. "He's still here?" Sam sighed and rolled his eyes, "Of course." "And he'sgood?" "No not really," Sam said honestly. "Things haven't been easy for him since you left Dean." It wasn't an accusation, Dean knew. It was simply the truth. For all the good people in this town there was at least a two to one ratio of bad guys and life here had never been easy on Castiel. But then, it hadn't been easy on Dean either. That's why he'd run away. Castiel did not escape. He'd stayed behind and Dean could only imagine how tough things had been in the intervening years. Then with Deacon dying and all "You are going to go see him, aren't you?" Dean let out a slow breath and nodded. Of course he was. That's the whole reason he'd come. He just hadn't actually worked up the nerve to do it yet. .. Twenty Years Ago The odd little boy was silent as they rode along in the squad car up to the highway. He just stared out of the front passenger's window even though Deacon tried to draw him out of his shell. From the back seat (and how cool was it that Dean got to ride in the backseat of a cop car like a badass!) Dean could hear the sheriff try to engage Castiel in conversation. "Wanna turn on the siren, Cass?" Castiel just shook his little mop head. Dean wondered briefly if anyone ever brushed the kid's hair. "Aww, come on, you love to run the siren. Why don't you show Dean and Sam how it works." But once again Castiel just shook his head obstinately and looked away. Dean didn't get it. What was the problem? The kid had been all about this little trip a few minutes ago. Now he seemed to want to be anywhere but here. When Deacon gave up with a sigh, Dean tried to think of something to say, something to entice the boy to talk but came up blank. The truth was Dean wasn't all that great at making friends himself. For some reason though, in this case, he desperately wanted to. Maybe it was because Castiel seemed so tiny and helpless he reminded Dean of Sam, and just like with Sam, Dean felt a sort of responsibility to take the meeker kid under his wing. Or maybe it was just because Cass was the only kid they'd met in this town and for once Dean would like to walk into school without not knowing a single soul. He wracked his brain a few minutes more trying to think of what grownups called 'small talk' that might break the ice with the moody little boy; but then he got sidetracked as they finally pulled up to the overturned truck.

The sheriff wasn't kidding when he said there were crazy chickens running everywhere. Crazier still were the men out there chasing the chickens around. It was the wildest, funniest scene Dean had ever seen. Deacon opened the door for them and he and Sam slid out eagerly. Castiel, however, just stayed in the car. Deacon shot the kid a worried look and then said, "How about you and Sam go ahead and take a closer look. Just stay away from the truck itself okay? I'll be right with you." Dean nodded and started to lead Sam away, but not too far. He had a feeling Deacon was about to finally get Castiel to talk and he wanted to hear what was going on. Dean was an expert eavesdropper, and knew just how far away he should go to be able to hear without looking like he was listening. Sammy meanwhile, gripped his hands and stared in delighted awe at the livestock milling around the wreck. "Cass, come on out here," Deacon said gently as he opened the door. Dean glanced back over his shoulder and saw the cop kneel in front of the tiny boy who was now standing next to the car hanging his head. "You gotta try to make friends your own age sometime, buddy." Castiel's reply was so quiet Dean had to strain to hear him say, "Kids are mean." Deacon let out a sigh and laid his hand on the boy's shoulder. "I know some of the other kids have been mean to you, Cassie. But Dean seems like a nice boy and I don't think little Sammy could be mean if he tried. Just give them a chance okay? Please?" Castiel bit his lip and looked up at the sheriff with uncertain eyes but finally nodded. Deacon threw him a smile and stood up, laying his hand on Castiel's shoulder and leading him to where Dean was. The sheriff caught Dean spying but was kind enough not to point it out though Dean wasn't sure that was to spare him or to spare Castiel. Dean eyed Castiel for a moment and saw the anxiety on his face. Poor little fella. Dean knew what dicks kids could be and he would bet a million dollars they gave Cass shit for being so little and a cripple and all. Well, he didn't need to worry about that with Dean. In fact, Dean silently took a vow to be the boy's self-appointed protectorto look out for him exactly the same way he did with Sam. Nobody got to pick on helpless little kids when Dean Winchester was around by God! "Come on boys. I'll introduce you to Rufus." The four of them walked side by side up to a guy in overalls who seemed to be overseeing the futile chicken safari going on in the road. "Hey Rufus, brought some of the kids up to watch the fun." Rufus snorted and nodded to the workmen chasing hens, "Well it ain't so much fun for those boys over there. I don't believe they could catch a chicken if Colonel Sanders fried it up and put it in a bucket for 'em." That gave Dean a brilliant idea, or at least a fun one. "Hey mister, can we try?" Out of the corner of his eye he saw Castiel's little shoulders straighten up at that, like he was interested. So Dean decided that yeah.the idea was definitely brilliant.

"Son, if you can catch one of those birds, I'll give you a dollar," Rufus answered with amusement in his eyes. "Me too?" Castiel perked up. "Well sure Cass," the older black man nodded but glancing discretely at Castiel's bum leg he rushed to add, "But now yall don't be too disappointed if you can't do it. Those chickens are freaked out and tricky." "Okay!" Cass chirped, totally oblivious that the remark was meant to let him down easy. Dean noticed it though with a bit of indignation. Sometimes adults were as bad as kids. Yeah, they wouldn't call someone like Cass names and tease him, but they'd pity him and that was nearly as bad. Dean had seen enough pity in people's eyes when they looked at his own ragged little family to know how shitty it felt. It always pissed him off and he didn't like seeing it directed at his new friend either. He was determined then and there to help Cass catch a chicken, his own dollar be damned. For the next half hour Dean and Cass chased chickens right alongside the workmen. The grownups, being much bigger and faster had better luck of course. They'd managed to get at least a dozen in the pen while Dean and Castiel were still empty-handed. But a few of the guys who had taken a lunch break kept cheering them on and they kept trying. It might have been easier if an over excited little five year old didn't keep tearing across the road screaming 'CHICKEEEEEENS!' and scaring the birds away. Soon enough though, Sam got tired and let Deacon pick him up for a rest. He sat Sam on the trunk of the squad car and leaned next to him to watch the older boys work. Dean was amazed just how fast Cass could move on his bum leg, but more than once he winced in sympathy when the smaller boy turned just a little too fast and grimaced in pain. Dean himself was out of breath and getting tired. They needed to catch one soon or they'd be outta luck for the day. "Hey Cass," Dean called and the little boy limped over to where he was leaned over bracing his hands on his knees to catch his breath. Castiel tried to strike a similar pose, but couldn't manage since one of his knees pointed in the wrong direction. Dean ignored it though, cuz staring wasn't polite. "What?" Castiel asked, wide-eyed. Over the course of the afternoon he seemed to grow easier with Dean. They had been laughing and having fun and now when Cass looked at or spoke to him, the boy wasn't so shy about it. Still panting, Dean nodded in the direction of a lone hen that was up on the hillside just at the front of the truck. "I think we can get her." "Yeah?" Castiel looked hopeful as he glanced over at the chicken that was currently pecking at the ground. He nodded again, "Yeah, Sammy gave me an idea. I'm gonna run around the front of the truck and scare her. The only direction she can go is toward the back. You wait at the tailgate on this side and when she comes around you grab her, okay?" Castiel grinned, "'Kay!"

Dean waited til Castiel got into position and then hauled ass as fast and as loud as he could in the direction of the oblivious bird. Sure enough, it shot straight in the direction he hoped. He couldn't see what happened from his vantage point but a second later he heard the resting workmen erupt into cheers and applause. Running back around the right side, Dean saw Castiel triumphantly holding the flapping chicken above his head. He was beaming proudly from ear to ear and when he looked at Dean his huge, usually sorrowful eyes were filled with utter glee. Standing in the road all crooked on his gimp leg with that ridiculous bird that was nearly as big as he was captive in his arms, Castiel was the most beautiful thing Dean had ever seen. That was the moment Dean Winchester fell in love for the very first time. Present Day Dean drove out to the bluff that overlooked Deacon's farm and gazed out over the field to the house. It made his chest ache a little, to know the sheriff wouldn't be coming home tonightor any other night for that matter. The day Sam called with the news of Deacon's passing, Dean had gone out and gotten drunk as a skunk. The man had been one of the most constant parts of Dean's childhood always there like a great, immoveable mountain watching over them all. He'd been there for so many pivotal moments in Dean's life.the day he'd met Cass, the horrifying afternoon when they'd watched the Parkers' house burn to the ground, the time John almost got locked up and Dean was terrified he and Sam would go to a foster home, and of course, the last night of all.the one when Dean ran. Now he was gone and Dean hadn't gotten a chance to thank him for all he'd done. He hoped Deacon knew how much he was loved. He probably did the guy could read people like nobody's business. And Castiel of course, unabashedly worshipped him. Yeah, Deacon had had a good life, full of friends and good times and people who respected and cared for him. Still, it was cut too short and this town, hell this world, was lesser for his absence. This was gonna be hard, paying his respects to Ellen. Dean suspected she wouldn't be all that pleased with him when he showed up. That's why he'd waited til this morning when Sam had a class to teach. He figured he'd put his baby brother through enough and if there were gonna be ramifications for his disappearance, and make no mistake there were, he wasn't gonna drag Sam into it. He'd face the music alone. It wasn't quite time yet, though. He had to wait. Well he didn't have to, but he was a coward so he was going to, at least until he saw the old Mustang pull out of the drive. He couldn't believe Castiel was still driving that damn thing. Dean remembered the day he'd rigged the pedals with a special lever so Cass could drive it in spite of his leg. He also remembered the nights he and Cass would lay side by side on the hood of the car, staring up at the stars and talking about how some day they were gonna run away from Moss Point together and never look back. Then that got him thinking about the other things they did in that car, years later when they were older and so madly in love and desperate for release nothing could stand between them anymore. His reminiscing was brought to an abrupt halt when he saw the front door to the farmhouse swing open and a familiar figure emerge. At this distance he couldn't see details or determine how the man

had changed, if he had the beginnings of crow's feet and laugh lines like Dean did; but he could clearly make out that distinctive limp. His breath hitched in his throat as he watched Castiel walk across the yard and slide behind the wheel of the car. Part of him was so desperate to tear down that hill and throw his arms around Castiel, but he couldn't. He didn't have the right to take that kind of liberty anymore. He's the one who had run like a coward and abandoned Castiel to his fate here in this dead end town. If he had any hope of well, anythingwith Cass then he had to take his time and move slowly. So Dean restrained his impulse and sat there silently, running his thumb over the smooth piece of metal in his coat pocket. Once Castiel was safely out of sight, Dean drove down the hill and up to the house. Eighteen Years Ago Dean waited outside the school doors for Cass to get out of last period. Because Castiel was in the gifted program he had an extra class and Dean always waited around for him. Besides, Sammy's school let out a half hour later too so Dean would have to wait anyway before walking across the street from the middle school to the elementary school to pick him up. Chuck, as always, waited with him. Chuck was a gangly, goofy kid Dean had met his first day of school in Moss Point. Even though he was kinda loud and liked to tell wild exaggerations he was the only other student who'd Dean see actually be nice to Castiel and so Dean had taken to him immediately. Chuck's little brother Andy was in Sam's class so he and Dean always hung out while they waited for the others to get out of school. Yeah, the boy got on his nerves sometimes, but Dean didn't have many friends. Most of the other kids in town looked down on him for being 'white trash'. John had started drinking again about a year after they got to town and word spread like wildfire. That combined with the family's poverty made Dean a target. He was tough, though, and he could take it - had kicked many a tweenager's ass the last couple years to prove it. But in the friends department the pickings were slim. Mostly it was just the five of them Cass, Dean, Chuck, Sam and Andy. They did everything together and it was hard to find one without some or all of the others. The grownups they were on good terms with affectionately called them 'Dean's Little Mafia'. He was kinda proud of that. It sounded badassand like he was the leader, which he totally was. Mostly Dean preferred when it was just him and Cass though. Just a few months ago he'd worked up the nerve to tell his best friend he had a crush on him. Castiel shyly answered in kind, which made Dean about the happiest kid on the planet. So in secret they were 'going together' which basically consisted of discretely exchanging little presents and when they were all aloneholding hands. Neither of them was stupid enough to let anyone else see that, not even Sam or Chuck. They both understood that boys were not supposed to have crushes on other boys, at least in a small town like this. They'd all heard the slurs and sometimes used them on other kids themselves. Well not Cass. Castiel didn't call names. Dean though, had resorted to calling people faggot before when he was really pissed off. It was dangerous to be different at their age and especially in a small community and so they kept their puppy love a secret. Dean didn't mind so much. He thought that made it even more special.

At the moment, Dean was more worried about why Cass was so late getting out of class. He kept checking his watch while Chuck babbled on beside him about some TV show with ninjas on it and how he once met a guy that was a certified ninja. Somehow Dean doubted there was such a thing as a 'certified ninja' and right now he didn't particularly care if there was. "So then he was all-" Chuck rambled, mimicking some karate thing before Dean interrupted. "Hey dude, Cass is late." The other boy stopped midsentence and frowned, "Is he?" As if in answer to his question the bell at the elementary school across the street rang loudly. They both looked over and then back at each other, concerned. Definitely late. Castiel's class got out a full five minutes before the bell rang at Gregory Elementary. "Come on," Dean said tugging on Chuck's shirt. "Let's go find him." Chuck padded along behind Dean as they went through the main hallway and then took a left on the smaller corridor that led to Castiel's advanced social studies class. The classroom was empty and Dean got a bad feeling in his gut. Cass would always come straight out front to Dean so as to avoid the other kids who liked to bully him. "Uh-oh," Chuck said from behind him in an ominous tone. Dean spun around to find him looking out back through the hall, out the window and into the small courtyard in the middle of the school buildings. Uh-oh was right. There was Castiel, backed up against a wall with a little crowd of his usual tormentors surrounding him. Dean nearly knocked Chuck to the ground as he sprinted out the door and immediately went to Castiel's side, yanking one of the kids out of the way so violently he landed face first in the dirt. "Oh look, your white trash friend is here to save the day," an evil little dark haired girl lisped through her retainer. "What the hell is wrong with you Ruby?" Dean hissed, ignoring the dig she took at him. "Why are you always picking on him? He never did anything to you or nobody else." Castiel as always stayed silent. He never responded to any of their insults, wouldn't give them the satisfaction. He never cowered either. He just stood there with his chin raised in defiance looking at them plainly in his quiet, dignified way. No matter how much he was threatened he'd never try to run away, and whenever one of them did hit or push him down, he'd struggle back up to his feet, face dirty and all, and just stand back up as straight as he could on his game leg. Unfortunately, that usually just pissed them off more. Dean was more about action, less about dignity and he figured if they were gonna be pissed either way then he should just go on and kick their asses and really give them something to freak about. His sudden appearance alone had already sent three of the evil little bastards flying for the doors. That only left Jake Talley - who suddenly seemed to be looking for an exit himself, Ruby Wexfield the snottiest most uppity bitch in school, and Ansem Weems a big dumb kid who was basically Ruby's bitch.

Ruby gave Dean a wicked sneer and said haughtily, "My mother told me that when people are born wrong it's because their parents sinned." "Wow then your parents must have sinned a lot for you to come out looking like a monkey," Chuck answered her sarcastically. There were definitely times Dean was glad Chuck was around with his quick wit and way with words. Ruby got wide eyed and then hauled off and slapped Chuck as hard as she could. Even Castiel winced at the stinging noise it made. Chuck slapped her right back. "AH!" Ruby gasped in shock as she rubbed her red face. "Didn't your father ever teach you not to hit girls?" "Yeah," Chuck sneered. "But he didn't say anything about monkeys!" The whole thing would have been hilarious to Dean but he was too distracted by the way Ansem was eyeing Castiel. Ansem's people were some of those skin headed neo-Nazi types and didn't like blacks or Jews or cripples. Thought they weakened the gene pool, whatever the hell that was supposed to mean. Of course Ansem, being the complete moron that he was, never bothered to question why he should hate Castiel. He just did. And Ruby fed right into it simply because she liked to hold herself up as better than everyone else. Dean sidled over a bit until he was firmly in place between Ansem and Castiel. Now the kid would have to go through him to get Cass. There was just one problem with that. Ansem was huge and going through Dean would not be hard. Not that Dean minded getting his ass kicked in defense of his best friend, but he sure as hell minded Ansem laying his hands on Cass; and that's exactly what would happen two seconds after he put Dean down. "Just what are you doing out here?" came a voice from heaven.or maybe just the doorway. All eyes whipped around to see Ms. Moseley staring them down. "Ruby Wexfield, are you out here causing trouble?" "What? No ma'am! We're just playing!" Ruby cried with an expression of complete innocence, one she'd practiced on grownups for years. It never worked on Ms. Moseley though, thank God. "Uh-huh," the teacher cocked an eyebrow. "Well you can just go 'play' in the office until your ride gets here." "But- but-" "Move it girl!" Ruby hung her head and mumbled a horrible racial slur that the black teacher couldn't hear before answering aloud, "Yes ma'am." "And the rest of you clear out too, you hear me?" Jake and Ansem followed Ruby past the teacher and out the door. She watched them with hawk eyes until she was sure they'd gone up the hallway and into the office. Then she emerged into the courtyard and strode up to Dean's little group.

"Castiel? Are you alright honey?" She asked in gentle concern. He nodded but said nothing and she looked unconvinced. "You come talk to me for a minute." "But-" Dean piped up. He knew how these 'talks' went and how much Castiel hated them. They were just big old pity fests and if there was one thing Castiel could not stand it was to be pitied. That hurt him more than a punch on the nose or being called 'gimp' ever would. The teacher was nothing if not stubborn though and said firmly to Dean, "You two go pick up your baby brothers and then you can come back and get Cass." Dean had every intention of arguing more. He was not above getting detention for Castiel's sake; but the boy turned and nodded at Dean to go; plus there was the issue of picking up Sam. Finally he sighed, "Okay." He and Chuck watched the teacher lead Castiel into the classroom for a 'talk'. "Dude, it must totally suck to be Cass," Chuck said in empathy. "Yeah."

Present Day "Well are you gonna stand out there staring at my doormat or are you gonna come in," Ellen drawled. Damn, busted. He'd been standing on the front porch so lost in contemplation over what he would say when he saw her, he never noticed her open the door. Swinging around sheepishly, he saw she was still a very pretty lady, wrinkles and streaks of gray be damned. "Ellen." "Dean Winchester," she answered and they studied each other for a moment. Dean wasn't sure whether she was getting ready to slap him or what. Finally she grinned in spite of herself and opened her arms. "Well come on boy. Gimme a hug." Dean broke into a smile and swept the lady into his arms. It was really great to see her; but it also reminded him he would not be seeing Deacon. He pulled back and said cautiously, "I'm sorry about" Ellen, stubborn strong woman that she was, cut him off with a shake of the head and a wink, "Come in. I'll get you some coffee and we can catch up." As Dean followed her into the familiar kitchen she said over her shoulder, "You just missed Cass." Then she turned to him with a knowing smirk. "But I guess you know that. How long exactly did you wait up on the bluff before he left?" Dean blushed shamefully. "I just, uh- I I wasn't sure he'd want to see me."

Ellen handed him a mug and said pointedly, "Darling, I'm not sure he'd want to see you either." Those words were like a shot to Dean's heart. He knew it was the truth, but a small piece of him was hoping for more encouraging news from Ellen. Hanging his head a bit he took a seat across from her at the kitchen table. She sighed, "Well what did you expect, Dean? Ten years and not a single phone call, not a single letter-" "I wrote letters," Dean mumbled looking down at his hands. "I just didn't mail them." "Well that makes it much better," she snorted. Dean shot her puppy eyes, "I couldn't Ellen. I just after the way we left things. The things I said besides, I was angry. For a long time I was angry with him. It wasn't til I got older, til I really started to grow the fuck up that I understood that I was the bad guy, not Cass. He was just doing the right thing like always. And by the time I'd gotten my head outta my ass, I knew that bridge was burned for good." "So all the sudden you just decide to pop back up outta nowhere?" Ellen asked gently. Dean shrugged but Ellen would not settle for that. "Why are you here, Dean? Why did you really come back to town?" Dean took a deep breath and sat up straight. He met her eyes with conviction and answered, "I came to get Castiel back." Ellen raised her eyebrows in shock and looked at Dean like he was crazy. That was probably not a good sign. Eighteen Years Ago After they dropped Sam off to play with Chuck and Andy, Dean walked Castiel home. As they walked, Dean asked, "So what did she say?" Castiel sighed, "Same thing as always. Don't feel bad that you're a cripple. You're just as good as everyone else." Dean nodded. Yep. That's what they always said alright. Castiel frowned, "Funny how they always say 'you're just as good as everyone else' while they're looking at me like I'm some stray puppy that got run over." "Cass," Dean sighed and wrapped an arm around the smaller boy's shoulder as they walked. "They just don't get it, dude. They're trying to be nice but, they just don't get it." It was Castiel's turn to sigh, "Yeah."

Dean wished he could do more to lift Cass' spirits. It had been a tough year for him. His granddad was in bad health andhis mom was still crazy as a shithouse rat. She talked to angels, well more like sang to angels, dancing around the backyard, sometimes in nothing but a sheer house gown, sometimes in less much to the scandal of the neighbors. When she did remember to take her meds it was a little better but she was kinda zombified even then, barely functional. Anna simply wasn't capable of looking after Max and Cass, so Cass kind of took it upon himself to be the man of the house and look after all three of them. He made the meals and helped his grandfather around the house, making sure Max got all his medicines and trying his best to make sure Anna took hers. Neither Deacon nor Dean was happy about that situation but there wasn't much of an alternative. If the county got involved Cass might be sent to foster care and that was just not acceptable to anyone. As a compromise Deacon, Ellen, and a few other good family friends checked in as often as possible at the house. "Come on Cass," Dean said. "Let's go see your grandpa." Cass shook his little head, which even now resembled a squirrel's nest, and answered, "Bobby took him up to Northfork for his doctor's appointment. And mom's being..weird again." 'Weird' was the word Castiel used for his mom's problems instead of crazy. Dean never knew what to say to that so he just nodded sympathetically and tightened his grip on Castiel's shoulder just a bit. Dean knew the boy wouldn't want to go home just then. Cass really loved his mom but it was hard for him when she got that way. He didn't know how to deal with it. Why should he? He was still just a little kid. "So, what should we do? I don't have to go back and get Sammy for a while." Castiel twisted up his face in consideration as they walked along. "Let's go down to the rocks and see if we can find any cool stuff." Dean grinned, "Awesome." For the next hour or so, they clamored over the rocks down by the shore and looked for treasure. Cass came up with two quarters, an interesting shaped oyster shell and a soda can with Spanish writing on it while Dean struck gold with a huge shark's tooth and a rusty harmonica. They made their way up to the recreation area and took shelter in a secluded spot surrounded by low trees. As they sat side by side comparing their loot Dean noticed a crumpled piece of paper with some red marker on it sticking out of the corner of Castiel's backpack. "Hey what's that?" Dean asked reaching out to grab it, but Castiel snatched it before he could see. "Nothin'" he said and blushed. "Cass, come on.let me see? Please?" Dean asked giving Cass his best puppy eyes. Castiel looked at him for a second before reluctantly handing it over. Dean unfolded the page and saw it was an essay Cass had written in one of his advanced classes. "Hey dude, that's great! You got an A!" Dean didn't get why Castiel would be embarrassed about that. Hell, Dean had never brought home an 'A' in his life and he was proud of Cass' big old brain.

But Castiel shrugged and looked down, absently drawing figures in the dirt. Dean frowned and looked at the paper again. He didn't immediately see the problem until he read the title of the essay and then skimmed the contents. "What I want to be when I grow up," Dean read aloud. "Is this what Ruby was giving you a hard time about?" he asked gently. Castiel bit his lip and nodded. He looked at Dean sadly for a moment, then in his defense he piped up, "But I didn't say I would be a policeman when I grew up. I just said it's what I wanted to be. Then she had to make a big old deal about it. Gimps can't be cops. Gimps can't be cops. Like I didn't already know that. Like she had to tell me." Dean got angry all over again. He'd kinda like to march over to Ruby's house and slap her himself. Why on earth she made it her mission in life to torment sweet, good little Cass he would never know. But he hated her for it. Hated her enough to really truly hurt her if he ever got the chance. He probably never would though, considering she got away with everything just cuz her dad was an alderman and her family had more money than God. "But," Castiel's voice got quiet, barely above a whisper and he kept his eyes down as he insisted, "the essay was about what we wanted to be." Dean didn't know what to do. Castiel looked miserable and was fidgeting uncomfortably in the dirt. Dean wanted to say something but he didn't want to come across like he was patronizing Cass or, God forbid like he was pitying. So, not knowing what else to do, he gave into an instinct and leaned over and kissed Castiel. Cass jumped a little in surprise and Dean could see his eyes go wide but he held Castiel's shoulder gently as he applied a little pressure to his lips. It was an innocent kiss, just a five second peck really, but it was Dean's first. When he pulled back a second later Castiel was beaming. .. Present Day "So you think I'm an idiot right?" Dean asked sheepishly. Ellen sighed, "I just don't know what you're thinking. Why now, after all these years, have you decided out of the blue that you want to be with him?" "It's not outta the blue!" Dean insisted. "I always wanted to be with him." "You left, Dean!" Ellen declared loudly and he could see the old hurt flashing in her eyes. "You made your choice and it wasn't Castiel. He would have stayed with you forever but you are the one who made the choice to walk away. You didn't want him!" "I did too!" Dean pleaded desperately. "Well you didn't want him bad enough," Ellen said quietly, firmly.

Dean dropped his eyes and began picking at the table cloth. There was a moment of silence before she asked, "So what changed your mind Dean? About him, about coming back here at all? You explain it to me cuz you're too damn young to be having a mid life crisis so what really sent you back?" Dean snorted pathetically, "You wouldn't believe me if I told you." Ellen leaned across the table, took his hand and said, "Try me." One Week Ago Dean wandered aimlessly through the bar as a few of the female regulars eyed him lustfully. Not really his type, but then neither were the men here. Hell, he didn't have a type anymore. The only one that had ever suited him was a thousand miles and a thousand years away. He was drunk, which was par for the course these days, at least on the weekends. He hadn't turned into a full blown alcoholic yet managed to hold down steady jobs for months, even a year or two in a couple of cases; and also managed not to wake up to a stranger every night of the week. But things had gotten worse since coming to Reno a few months ago and he was well on his way to turning into his dad if he didn't make some changes soon. It was the news of an old friend's death that had spurred his latest move. Dean didn't know why hell he hadn't seen the guy in forever but it hit him like a ton of bricks. Made him want to get out. Made him want to run. So he'd walked off his construction job in Sacramento and got on a bus to anywhere. That's how he'd ended up Nevada. From there on out, it all went downhill. There was a constant ache in his chest now, a hollowed out place he could never seem to fill and the liquor was helping. He knew that was how it always started with John. Things looked bad, something crappy happened and the next thing he and Sam knew their dad was at the bottom of a bottle. He wanted to stop this before it got out of control but he was truly at the end of his rope. He had no friends, no roots, no home and the only family he had left was the little brother he'd let down. Why not crawl into a bottle? In truth the only thing that kept him from going over the edge was spite. John always said he'd never amount to anything. A part of Dean still wanted to prove him wrong. Tonight wasn't the night for that though. Tonight he just wanted to drink til he passed out. "Hey darlin', you alright?" a flirty voice rang out from the back of the room. Dean looked up and through his blurred vision could see a shapely brunette beckoning him toward the back hall. Again, not is type, but whatever. Dean stumbled in the woman's direction and she actually had to catch his arm to keep him from fallin' over. "Come on back. I think I can help you." "No offense, lady," Dean slurred. "But I don't pay for it." The woman laughed and answered, "Well good. Cuz I don't sell it. I'm not a whore, sweetie."

"Oh sorry," Dean mumbled and realized he wasn't drunk enough if he still had the presence of mind to be embarrassed by his faux pas. "It's alright hon'. I am offering a service," she said as she led him in to the back room. "But one I think you'll find more useful." She plopped him down in a chair and as she rounded the table he glanced around to see the walls covered in velvet drapery and there were candles lit everywhere, the air thick with an earthy perfume. "What's this place?" Dean squinted. "Just an old walk in closet the owner let's me work out of," she answered. "Work, huh?" Dean eyed her suspiciously. "What kinda work?" "I'm a psychic," she grinned. Dean snorted and her smile grew wider. She nodded sympathetically, "I know, I know. Sounds like a lot of horseshit doesn't it?" "Yeah," Dean grunted and leaned back in his chair. Whatever. She was nice enough anyway, and he did feel a lot better sitting down back here in private then stumbling around in the dark barroom with a bunch of women ogling him. "It's alright, you don't have to believe. Fact is, I haven't had a customer all night and I'm just plain old bored," the woman smiled sticking out her hand. "Name's Pam." "Dean," he nodded and shook politely. "Well how 'bout a reading on the house, hmm?" Dean smirked knowingly, "Is this just a gimmick to keep me coming back for more? Like you sayI'll meet the woman of my dreams and then just say she's a blond with an H in her name. Then tomorrow I come back and say 'I met this girl Charlene and-" "Honey, if I told you you were gonna meet the woman of your dreams, we'd both know I was a liar," Pam grinned. Dean laughed, "Well I gotta hand it to you. You're good at reading people. Sure what the hell? Do I cut the cards or something?" he asked motioning to the tarot deck on the table. "Naw," she waved her hand dismissively. "Those are just for the tourists. They like a big show. The power comes from within. Just ask me what you want to know." Dean thought long and hard about tripping the woman up with some trick question just so he could call her on it, but he was too drunk and too depressed to go to the effort. Besides, he'd never been to a psychic and was a little curiousand a little desperate.

He swallowed hard and looked at her seriously before asking the only question that mattered to him anymore, "Am I gonna end up like my dad?" Pam sat staring at him for so long he thought she might have fell asleep with her eyes open. Then she sucked in a deep breath and answered sincerely, "You want the truth or do you want me to tell you what you want to hear?" Dean pondered that for a moment before answering, "The truth." "Alright," she nodded. "If you keep on like you are then yes. You are going to end up exactly like your father." Dean sighed. It wasn't like he needed her to tell him that. He'd pretty much resigned himself to his fate. Sure he was holding his shit together better than he could ever remember John doing it, but then he hadn't known his father as a young man. Maybe he'd started out just like Dean.only a little lost, only a little self destructive. "Give me your hand," Pam demanded, shaking him from his reverie. "What?" "Your hand, let me-" "I thought you said-" Pamela explained, "The cards, the crystal ball, the tea leaves, that's all bullshit. I can give you a general read just by being near you. But if you want specifics? If you want help? Well then I need to touch you. It'll tell me a lot." Dean hesitated only a minute before reaching out and letting her take his hand. She sat silent for a minute with her eyes closed and then began to speak, "You already knew the answer to that question. It's not what you really want to know." "No?" She kept her eyes closed and shook her head, "What you want to know is if you can be saved." Dean sat up anxiously in his chair. This was hitting too close to home. This was getting to personal. Maybe he should"You can," she whispered and he froze The little part left of Dean that still clung to hope for something better demanded to know and he asked gruffly, "How?" She frowned, "I don't that's weird." "What?" Dean demanded. "What do you see?"

Pam opened her eyes and looked confused, "An angel. The angel of I don't know Thursday? Is there even such a thing?" Dean knew for a fact that there was. He knew someone whose insane mother had named them after that angel because she thought that she could communicate with the heavenly host. He didn't respond though. Just waited for Pam to finish and tried not to let the sudden shaking in his body travel down to the hand she was holding. "And there's a totem." "What?" Dean frowned. "Like a totem pole?" "No," Pam bitchfaced at him. "A totemit's like a touchstone, an artifact, something very important and personal." "What about it?" Dean cocked an eyebrow. She closed her eyes once again and concentrated, then speaking very slowly and deliberately she said, "The angel of Thursday will save you but first you have to give him back his totem." "Well what is it?" "I don't know honey," she snorted. "It's his totem." Dean sat back. Castiel's totem? What the hell was that? And even if he could figure out what the fuck it was, was he really gonna go back and- It was madness. It was insane. At long last she opened her eyes, cocked her head and gazed at him quizzically, "You got any ideas what that means sweetie? Cuz I gotta tell you, I never read anything like that before." "No," he said and got up abruptly leaving her in his wake as he dashed for the exit. He burst through the back door of the bar and collapsed a few feet away heaving up half a bottle of tequila. A few minutes later after he'd cleaned himself out and up he stood and leaned against the wall, resting his head against his arm. He'd purposely blocked Castiel from his mind because he knew that aching in his chest had been there long before Deacon died that the sheriff's death had just brought it to the surface. The emptiness that he'd managed to keep hidden for so long was the part of him that had been ripped out the night he said goodbye to Cass. For the first time in ages he let himself envision Castiel's face, just let the memories flood in those big, open blue eyes; his gentle smile; that ever present grace and dignity Castiel radiated. Oh hell. He was gonna go back. He knew it. He'd always known somewhere deep down that the only way out of this mess was to do just that. Or maybe it was just the last gasp of hope from a drowning man to think that Pam was legitimate and Cass could save him. Either way, now that he'd let himself remember his first and only real love he knew exactly what 'totem' she was talking about. It was Castiel's star.

 Present Day "That's one..hell of a story, Dean." Ellen said shaking her head. "You don't believe me?" he grimaced. "No, now I didn't say that. It's just that- well " she trailed off shaking her head. "What?" Ellen gave him an empathetic look before saying gently, "Don't you think it's a little arrogant to come back here looking for him to save you?" "Probably," Dean nodded slowly. "But I can tell you this, Ellen. I love him. I always have." "I know." They sat in silence for a moment longer before Dean pushed back from the table and stood up. "I guess I should get going. I have to get some things in town. Just wanted to stop in and uh-" Ellen smiled. She saw right through his bullshit. He'd intended to stay longer and visit but right now, after his little confession, he was just too damn raw. He needed to get some space from it. "Alright, just promise you'll come see me again in a couple of days, hmm?" "Absolutely," he smiled and wrapped his arms around her. She raised her head a little and whispered in his ear, "I love you Dean, but don't you do anything to hurt him. You hear me?" Dean nodded and said nothing. Then he pulled from her embraced and let himself out the screen door, closing it gently behind him. When he turned around he nearly jumped out of his skin because there leaning against the Impala was Castiel. And boy did he look pissed. Eighteen Years Ago Four days after their first kiss and Dean was flying high. He was officially Castiel's boyfriend now and even if they did have to keep it a secret, a bloom of pride had spread through his chest all week. Nothing could shake the good feeling, not the night John came home wasted and yelled at Dean so loud he woke Sammy out of a dead sleep and scared him half to death; not Ruby taunting him for the hole in his boots that he'd had to tape up; not the D he got in English cuz he kept getting his letters turned around. "Sam," Dean called happily, "Come get your snack."

"Thanks, Dean," Sammy beamed as he and Andy ran into the kitchen and climbed up on the chairs to eat their grilled cheese sandwiches. "Yeah thanks, Dean," Andy chimed in. He was different than his older brother. Kinda quiet, but a real nice kid and Dean was glad that Sam was able to have him over. John was gonna be working all night at the factory (Bobby had had to let him go from the boats when the drinking started again.); and that meant it was safe to have other kids over. Dean was a little disappointed Cass wasn't there but with the stuff going on at his house, he didn't like leaving his family alone too often. Dean could understand that. As Sam and Andy finished their grilled cheeses and ran into the living room to watch Animaniacs the phone rang. Dean deposited their dishes in the sink and picked it up. "Hello?" There was a long pause and then a hoarse, ragged whisper, "Dean?" The warmth in his chest turned to panic at the tone, "Cass? What? What's the matter?" Castiel's voice was so weak Dean barely heard his desperate little plea, "Help." Then the phone went dead. "Sam!" Dean shrieked. "SAM!" "What?" Sam and Andy came running from the living room. "Something's wrong with Cass! Call 911 I gotta go see if Deacon's still up the street!" Without waiting for Sam's reply Dean dashed out the door and ran like a bat outta hell up to the corner, where he'd seen Deacon giving someone a parking ticket a few minutes earlier. He said a prayer that the sheriff would still be there cuz he didn't know what else to do. Miraculously, Deacon was just climbing back into his squad car when Dean came pounding up out of breath. "Dea-Deacon," he panted, trying to get out the words as he ground to a halt at the sheriff's feet. Deacon's eyes shot wide, "What's wrong Dean?" "It's it's Cass. He's hurt!" "Where? At your house?" "No he just called, I don't know where he is!" Dean cried out. As that realization set in he was truly terrified. What if Cass had called from somewhere other than home? How would they ever find him? "What did he say?" Deacon leaned down and grabbed Dean's shoulders. "Dean. What. Did. He. Say?" "Help," Dean choked out and then burst into tears. "He just said 'Help!'"

"Oh Jesus Christ," Deacon said and Dean realized he was staring up the hill in the direction of the Parkers' house. There was a large plume of smoke billowing up from that direction. Then the sheriff shouted, "Jesus Christ!" As the cop jumped into the car, Dean crawled over him to get into the passenger's seat. "No Dean, you can't! Stay here!" But Dean shook his head obstinately and screamed at the top of his lungs, "Just go!" Deacon considered it for just one microsecond before slamming on the gas and taking off for Castiel's. .. Eighteen Years Ago Deacon screamed at Dean to stay in the car as he leapt out and ran toward the house. The fire was raging through the upstairs windows now and Dean thought he could see smoke coming from the lower floor in the back as well. For a moment, he did exactly what Deacon said to do - not because he was an obedient child, but because he was fucking terrified. He'd never seen real fire up close before and it looked like some kind of smoking, crackling, living monster eating the house. He could sense it's power as clearly as he could feel the heat radiating from it and that kept him frozen to the spot in fear..but only for a moment. Because as terrified as he was of that fire, he was more terrified for Castiel. Cass and his family were in that house and if they didn't get out soon they'd get eaten up by the fire along with the house. Dean? Help, kept ringing over and over in his ears urging him out of the car. After a minute of internal struggle, Dean's best friend won out over his terror and he threw the door open and bolted into the house. There he found Deacon struggling to get Max on his feet in the front hallway. "Dean, keep your head low and help him out into the yard! I've got to get the others!" Dean did as he was told and led Mr. Parker out a safe distance from the house. To his great relief he heard sirens in the distance and knew the firemen were on the way. But then Max gasped out between coughs, "Cass.someone has to get to Cass. He's in the stairwell Dean. Tell the sheriff." Dean spun on his heel and darted back into the house only to be greeted once again by Deacon, this time leading a babbling, incoherent Anna out the door. She didn't seem to realize what the hell was happening even though her arms looked badly burned. "Here Dean take her. Don't touch her arms! I can't find Cass!" "He's on the stairs! Max said he's on the stairs!" Deacon nodded and ran back into the inferno, though he himself was already hacking and covered in soot. Dean wanted to run in after him and find Cass himself but he couldn't. He had to take care of Castiel's mom. He led her gently by the waist to the tree where Max was seated on the ground coughing. For once Dean was glad she was crazy because it somehow kept her from realizing how

much pain she should be in from the blistered skin already peeling back on her arms. She just sat down quietly and kept talking to her angels while Max hacked his lungs out next to her. Dean turned and waited. Deacon should have Cass by now. They'd be coming out any second. It took longer than it should. The next two minutes were the longest of Dean's life and for one brief horrifying instant he thought Deacon and Castiel were both lost. Just as he started running for the front door, Deacon came hurdling out with Castiel bundled in his arms. Dean heard Max shout out in relief behind him at the sight, and Dean himself went weak in the knees and had to crouch down for a minute to steady himself. Deacon had Cass wrapped in a blanket and all he could see was that little mop head, made even blacker by soot ;and that Castiel was crying. Just as Deacon got him out to the curb and sat him down, Dean got enough strength back in his legs to get up and run over. "Cass?" he asked, breaths still hitching in his throat. Castiel's smudged and dirty little face made his huge, surreal blue eyes stand out even more. He looked up at Dean dazed and totally out of it, as great silent tears left streaks in the soot on his cheeks. "Cass?" "He's hurt, Dean," Deacon said gently as he pulled the blanket he'd covered the boy with away a little to examine him. "And he's in shock." Shock? That wasn't good. He'd seen enough cop shows to know how not good that was. "Deacon is he-" But he was cut off by the paramedics running up and pushing him out of the way to get to Castiel. Dean wanted to squeeze between them and get back to Cass but he felt an arm wrap around his chest from behind. It was the sheriff. "Come on Dean, go get in the car while the EMTs do their work." "No, I want to-" "Dean!" Deacon barked making him jump. Deacon never got angry at any of the kids. That's when Dean realized just how serious Castiel's condition might be because Deacon was as scared as him. Without further argument he went back to the squad car and watched from the window as the paramedics took Anna, Max and Castiel away and the firemen hastily unrolled their hoses. Once the ambulances had gone, the sheriff made his way back up the the car and climbed in. He looked like a zombie and Dean could relate. He felt like a zombie. All of this was so surreal and sickening that Dean had gone mostly numb. As he and Deacon sat expressionless and silent, watching the firemen try to battle the blaze, Dean didn't even bother turning his head when he said in a flat, dead affect, "I left Sammy and Andy alone." Deacon slowly picked up the CB, called into the office and told them to send an officer out to pick the boys up and drop them at Chuck's house. His voice was as monotone as Dean's.

Dean glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. There were silent tears, much like Castiel's, rolling down the sheriff's face as he stared dully out the windshield at the burning fire. It was the only time Dean ever saw Deacon cry. . Present Day "Ca Cass you we-," Dean stammered. He had a violent urge to leap from the porch and sweep the man into his arms. The part of him that did not feel like getting kicked in the nuts, however, kept that urge in check. Castiel stood there leaning on the hood of Dean's car with his arms crossed and let Dean squirm and stutter for a minute before finally saying something. "You should be ashamed of yourself." Dean couldn't agree more. He just wasn't sure at the moment which of his transgressions Castiel was talking about. "Hiding up there in the woods like a big pussy," Castiel shook his head and Dean was thrown even more off balance because the Castiel he knew didn't talk like that, never called names. But then, that was the Castiel of years ago before Dean had broken his heart. "You you saw-" "I'm lame, not blind, you idiot," the man snapped and it stung Dean as surely as if he'd been slapped. "So you came back to see me?" Dean asked with his eyes wide, and even though he could clearly see the fury written all over Castiel's face his foolish heart couldn't help but have a tiny nagging hope at that. "I came back to ask you just who the hell you think you are? How dare you, Dean. How fucking dare you!" "What I," Dean stuttered and wow, when had he forgotten the English language. "You don't even know do you?" Cass shook his head in disgust. "You're that self centered that you don't even know what I'm talking about." Dean snapped his mouth shut. How the hell was he supposed to answer a question like that? There was no good response because it was a trap. The best course of action was to just wait for Cass to explain it to him. But Castiel just shook his head and bugged his hypnotic blue eyes out at Dean waiting for him to get it. Dean panicked.there were a thousand selfish things he could have been talking about and Dean just had to take a guess. So he chose to go with the one that was the worst in his own eyes, the one that had ruined both of their lives. "I know I should have called or- or written or something. Cass, you have to believe me if I could take back what I-" Then he fell silent because Cass was screwing up his face and looking even angrier.

"You think I'm mad about us? That was a thousand years ago Dean! Jesus, the ego on you!" Castiel spat. Then he glared in hatred, hatred at Dean and snarled, "I haven't cared about you in a long. fucking. time." It was a swift, merciless kick in the gut and for a second Dean thought he might hit the ground. The air had been knocked out of him. But Castiel wasn't done yet and before he even had a chance to recover Castiel swept his arm toward the house and said, "I'm mad about him, Dean. Him." Then Dean got it. This was about missing Deacon's funeral. For Castiel, the sun had risen and set in Deacon and his sudden and untimely death was surely devastating. The fact that Dean had not seen fit to drag his sorry ass home to give the man his due was like spitting in Castiel's face. "He deserved that much, don't you think? For you to come back for even one day to say goodbye?" Cass asked and Dean was suddenly aware that there was more than anger in the man's eyes. Tears were threatening to form and his voice changed drastically. He got that small, meek tone that he always had when his heart was breaking. In a voice just barely above a whisper he insisted , "You should have been here to pay your respects. He earned that, goddamn you." Dean slowly came down the porch stairs and approached Castiel but before he could get in arm's reach, Castiel abruptly pushed off the car and limped a few feet away, turning his back to stare off across the field. Dean got the message and didn't follow. Instead he hung his head and said shamefully, "I'm sorry he died. I know how much you loved him." Castiel whipped around as fast as possible on his game leg and growled, "I told you this is not about me." "I know," Dean whispered, though he wasn't entirely convinced of that now that Castiel's rage had faded some. He could see other things in Cass' eyes, other questions and hurts and Dean realized there was a lot more unfinished business between them than Castiel wanted to admit, at least at the moment. He had time to explore that later. For now, in this initial meeting, all he could do was try not to fuck things up and to make a first step by offering Cass a small olive branch. He took a deep breath and said sincerely, "You're right, Cass. It was selfish, I was selfish. I should have been here. I am so fucking sorry. You'll never know how sorry I am for that." It was Castiel's turn to look surprised. After all, Dean Winchester was not known for admitting defeat or apologizing, even as a kid. Taken slightly off guard Castiel nodded and said in a still disgruntled but rather confused voice, "Well fine then. That's all I came to say." No, no. Not yet. I don't want you to go yet, Dean thought frantically. He'd been postponing this reunion but now that it was here, even as unpleasant as it was, he didn't want it to end. Cass, he thought and in his head it sounded more like a prayer. God this was Cass standing right in front of him. He never thought, he couldn't conceive of"I gotta go," Castiel mumbled and limped around to the Mustang, opening the door.

"No wait, Cass, please I-I -" Dean stopped. I what? I love you? I missed you? I came back to give you your totem? A psychic told me you could save me? I'm sorry I ruined your life? What the fuck do I say now? Cass looked up and shook his head. With a profound sadness in his voice he said, "What the hell did you come back now for anyway?" Then he got in the car and was gone, leaving Dean standing miserably in the driveway running his hand over the sheriff's badge tucked in his coat pocket. "You, Cass," Dean muttered to himself. "I came back for you." . Eighteen Years Ago Later on in his life when Dean would look back at his childhood he would remember the one shining moment when John had come through for him. It was the day after Castiel's house had burned down and John had arranged, without even being asked, for Dean to be able to visit. He even dropped Dean off at the hospital himself on his way to work. As Dean started to climb out the door, John grabbed his arm and turned to him with sincere eyes mumbling, "Sorry about your friend." He sounded like he meant it too. It was the first time he could ever remember his father trying to comfort him and if he hadn't felt so shitty about Cass, he would have broke into a smile. Instead he just nodded and got out of the car. As it turned out, Castiel had not been burned at all. He had been injured though, significantly. The way Dean was told it went down was this Anna had been going on about wanting to see some angel's 'grace' or what not and had started playing with a box of matches. So there she is sitting cross legged in her bedroom on the third floor on a shag carpet lighting matches and watching them burn and calling it 'grace.' Then she decided to 'anoint' the 'grace' with 'holy oil' which turned out to be Wesson oil from the pantry and boy howdy, there was a barbecue. Castiel's grandfather had been napping downstairs and by the time Castiel smelled the smoke, most of the third floor was already in flames. Cass scrambled up the two flights of stairs as best he could on his bad hip and practically pushed his mother down the stairs because she still didn't know what was going on. He was trying to run down after her to wake his grandfather when his legs got tangled and he fell down hard to the second landing, shattering his fragile hip. Somehow, and Dean couldn't even imagine how much it must have hurt, Cass had managed to drag himself down with his arms to the next landing where there was a phone on the stand and called Dean. That's where he'd passed out and that's where Deacon had found him. In the meantime the fire alarm had woken up his grandfather and he'd gone looking for Castiel, but by the time he glimpsed the little body laying on the landing, he'd been overcome by smoke himself and fainted. Anna was found sitting on the kitchen floor humming to herself and rocking as her father and son both lay helpless to the fire. If Deacon hadn't come she would have probably kept sitting there talking to angels as all three of them burned to death.

"Hey Dean," Ellen smiled as Dean wandered into the children's wing where Castiel was laid up with his broken hip. "How is he?" Dean demanded getting right down to business. The last time he'd seen Cass was when Deacon plucked him from the fire and even though he knew Castiel was gonna be okay he was still shaken up by how messed up Cass had looked. "He's doing okay considering," Ellen answered but her eyes were sad. Dean, who at thirteen was already good at reading people, narrowed his own eyes and asked, "What's wrong?" Ellen sighed and led him over to sit down next to her in a couple waiting room chairs. "Dean, Castiel's granddaddy's been real sick for a while. You know that right?" Dean nodded tightly. Uh-oh. He did not like where this was headed. Ellen continued, "Well, he's gonna go live in an assisted living home." "Like a nursing home?" "A little nicer than that, but yeah," Ellen nodded. "And his mama, wellshe just can'tshe's not..well, they've committed her Dean. Do you know what that means?" "Means they sent her to a nuthouse," Dean grumbled and crossed his arms. It was just as he'd feared. Castiel was gonna lose his family anyway. And now he'd have to go live in foster care. Dean wanted to cry. "That's not a nice word, honey," Ellen gently chastised but it was softened further when she leaned over and gave him a reassuring hug. "Where is Cass going?" Dean asked anxiously. He knew most foster kids got sent to Northfork where there were more affluent foster families and even a couple orphanages. But if the county could just place him in town maybe he'd still get to see Deacon and Dean. If not.well.well..what would Cass do without them? He was their little guy and they looked out for him! Knowing Dean and Castiel's luck though, that's exactly what would happen. Dean bit his lip and braced himself for the answer. "He's coming to live with us," Ellen answered and truly smiled for the first time this morning. What? WHAT? "Really? Really Ellen?" Ellen nodded and her grin grew. "Really and his grandfather signed off on it himself so no judge could override him. Not that they would anyway. Both Deacon and Max are in pretty tight with the county judges." "That's great!" Dean beamed but then wanted to kick himself for being overexcited. Though the outcome was probably better for Cass than his previous arrangement, what happened yesterday was nothing to celebrate.

"Can I see him?" Dean asked, trying to return to an appropriately sober demeanor. "Yeah, he's right in there," Ellen said pointing two doors down. "Room ten." Dean bounced to his feet but Ellen grabbed his arm and warned, "Now honey, remember. Cass lost a lot today, So just don't feel bad if he's not excited to see you. He's very upset." Dean nodded and padded down the hall, pushing Castiel's door open. Inside he kept telling himself not to act too happy or too excited because it would hurt Castiel's feelings. When he got his first glimpse at Cass, however, it was a moot point because he had never seen his best friend looking so lost, or scared, or sad. Castiel had been looking out the window but turned his head to watch Dean come in. He didn't' say anything, just laid their blinking at Dean and looking very, very tired. He was lying above the covers and Dean grimaced at the heavy cast that was wrapped all the way from high up on his waist to his ankle. It looked horribly uncomfortable and no way would Cass be able to even limp in that. He'd probably be in wheelchair til it came off. Next to his bed someone had put some action figures and books and a picture of Cass and Anna and Max hugging and smiling in front of their Christmas tree during better times. It was the picture that really got to Dean. That's what Ellen meant when she said Cass had lost a lot today . Cass' family might not have been the most stable, and his home not the fanciest but he loved them and he grew up there and now it was all gone. Everything. Dean had to turn away for a minute to wipe a tear that slipped down his face. He didn't want Cass to see him cry, didn't want to make things worse. He felt like an idiot for thinking that anything was 'great' just a few minutes ago. It wasn't great that Cass' grandpa was sick. And it wasn't great that his mom had to go live in a hospital. And there was Cass with his broken hip and all, not to mention that when the house burned he'd lost every single thing he ever owned. So, no. None of this was great; but at least Dean knew Cass would be happy with Deacon and Ellen, and well looked after, and above all.that Dean wouldn't have to say goodbye to the little boy he loved more than life itself. He tried to use that thought to get his feelings back under control and turned to face Castiel. "Hey," he said shyly. "Hey," Cass answered sleepily and Dean wondered if he had pain medicine. He actually hoped so because he'd hate to think it was sadness alone that was dimming the usual brightness in his friend's eyes. Dean quietly walked to the bed, leaned up and over as far as he could, and laid a tiny peck on Castiel's cheek. Castiel tried to smile at him but his face crumpled and he began to sob. Dean held back his own tears and grabbed Castiel's hand. He let the boy cry all he wanted and just sat their holding his hand and cooing to him, comforting him. After a while, Cass cried himself out and they sat in silence. "You should try to take a nap," Dean urged. He wasn't a doctor or even a grownup but he knew naps were the best thing when you felt bad. Castiel shook his head, "Can't. When I close my eyes I keep seeing stuff." "Like what?" Dean frowned.

"Fire," Castiel whispered with wide, traumatized eyes. "Dean, I can't stop being scared." Dean didn't know what to say to make that better. He figured it was probably natural after what happened but somehow he didn't think Cass would find that very reassuring. As he tried to come up with the right words he heard the door creak open behind him. "Hey buddy," Deacon said quietly with a smile. "How do you feel?" Dean secretly hoped Cass would tell Deacon what he'd just said because Deacon would probably know how to make him feel better; but Castiel just shrugged noncommittally. There were certain things Castiel could only ever tell Dean. Most of the time that made Dean feel special and proud; but this time he would have preferred to share Castiel's confidence with an adult. Deacon didn't push on the subject and instead sat down gently on the side of the bed. He never even blinked at Cass and Dean holding hands, which Dean didn't even realize he was still doing. He almost panicked when he did realize it but when he saw that the sheriff didn't care he just kept on holding itcuz he wanted to. "So, Ellen talked to you about coming to live with us?" Castiel nodded. "Is that okay with you Castiel?" A shrug. That was to be expected. As much as Castiel worshipped Deacon and adored Ellen, it wasn't the same as being with his family in his home. Deacon gave him an understanding nod and patted his good leg, "Cass, I know it's going to be hard for a while but you know how much we love you right?" "Yes," Castiel answered honestly. No one could ever doubt how much the couple loved Castiel. They couldn't have kids of their own and Cass was the closest thing they ever had to one. "We can go visit your grandpa anytime you want, alright? Heck, I'll make sure you get up to Northfork to see him every day if you like." "Really?" Castiel asked and for the first time there was a spark of hope in him. "Absolutely," Deacon beamed. Then Castiel hesitated, "And..mom? She she didn't mean to!" Deacon sighed, "Ah, Cassie, everyone knows that. And yes, I will take you to see your mom okay? Her hospital rules are different and we can only go a couple times a month but I swear, every visiting day you will get to see her okay?" Castiel nodded and seemed satisfied with that as he listened to Deacon describe how he would have his own room, and how he could decorate it anyway he wanted, and that he'd get all new clothes to replace what he'd lost and so on.

But even after all of that, there was nervousness in his eyes and Dean knew it had to do with seeing fire every time he closed them. He was just about to break down and tell Deacon about it himself when the sheriff said, "There's one more thing we need to talk about Cass." "What?" Castiel frowned. He looked like he was bracing for more bad news. But Deacon smiled proudly at him and said, "You're a hero." "What?" Cass asked, confused. "Do you know that you saved your family?" Cass shook his head furiously, "No, that was you that-" "No Cass," the sheriff looked at him pointedly. "That was you. You were hurt, and you still managed to get help for them. You crawled all the way downstairs with a broken hip and saved your mom and your grandpa. Most grown men wouldn't be able to do what you did. Do you know that?" "Really?" Castiel asked shyly. "Yeah," Deacon answered with a grin and reached into his pocket. "And that's how you earned this." Castiel sucked in his breath in awe as Deacon slipped an actual sheriff's deputy's badge, very shiny and very official, into Cass' hand. Dean was impressed. Deacon had picked the perfect thing. All Castiel had ever wanted was to be a cop and wear a badge just like Deacon when he grew up. Ruby had been right when she said Castiel couldn't ever be a cop, and Cass knew it. But now the High Sheriff himself was handing Cass his very own badge, and more importantly..he had earned it. It meant that even though Cass was a cripple and couldn't be a cop, he'd at least proved he was worthy to be one, that he was brave enough. Dean knew Castiel would treasure that tin star for the rest of his life. As Deacon watched Castiel running his fingers reverently over the badge he said, "And you know, if you ever get scared or ..have bad dreamsor things get rough? You just look at this and you remember just what a tough little guy you are okay?" Castiel looked up at him solemnly and nodded like Deacon was spouting the gospel itself. And miraculously, Cass didn't look so lost anymore. He looked like maybe he was gonna be okay. Dean grinned. He'd always thought adults were stupid about little kids, never listened, never understood what they were really trying to say. Not Deacon though. He got it. He was the coolest grownup ever. . Present Day Dean tried to occupy his mind by going to visit old friends all day, keeping a clear distance from the general store. Before Castiel's grandfather had died, he'd appointed Bobby as trustee of his estate so

the man could hire on help to run the store until Cass was old enough to rightfully inherit it. Dean hadn't thought much of it when they were teenagers because he and Cass' plans did not include the store or Moss Point at all. They had always planned to escape this small town and live together somewhere better for the rest of their lives. That never happened though and Castiel had in fact kept the store for himself. That's why Dean avoided it all day long. It's not that he didn't want to go see Castiel and try again. It's just that he knew Cass wasn't ready to see him yet. At least not ready to talk to him without being angry. Dean was willing to bide his time for however long it took. This was worth it. This was the most important thing he'd ever done in his life and he only had one chance to get it right. He stopped by to see his old boss, Rufus. In high school, he'd taken a part time job with the road crew and Rufus had always been real good to him. The guy was the same as he always was and Dean had a beer with him as they watched his workmen fixing a pothole up on Parsons Drive. As Dean said his goodbyes, Rufus shook his hand and gave him a pointed look, "You know if you're thinking of sticking around I'm looking for a good man on my crew." It was a generous offer, because there weren't a lot of jobs to be had in a place like this and to offer one to an outsider was a hell of a thing in the hard times that had hit Moss Point the last couple years. But Rufus had always liked Dean and truth be told, Dean had busted his ass for the guy and proved his worth. Dean's first instinct, oddly enough, was to say yes. Though he'd never thought beyond his immediate goal of finding and making things right with Castiel, hadn't even envisioned what would happen after that, it was a consideration. Just what were his plans for the future? Did he plan on sticking around? Maybe. It's not like he had anywhere in particular to go back to. It would make sense to jump on an opportunity to get on his feet in the only place he'd ever called home. After a moment, however, he decided he just couldn't commit to that. What few plans he had all hinged on Castiel. If Cass couldn't or wouldn't forgive him and let him have a chance then there was no way Dean could stay in this town. If Castiel wouldn't have him back, then Dean could not bear to see the man day in and day out, knowing what he'd lost. It would be hard enough even if he was all away cross country. Hesitantly he answered, "I uh I just don't know yet Rufus. Haven't decided if I'm going to stay." Rufus nodded in understanding and said, "Well just let me know." After leaving the work site, Dean anxiously headed to the dock to see Bobby. Yeah, it was only spitting distance from the store, but Dean knew Bobby owned the slips on the farthest end away from the store. Plus there were no windows on that side. That meant he wouldn't upset Cass by hanging around. If he was careful enough, Castiel would never even know he was there. He drove the Impala in a wide loop to the back of the huge parking lot at the marina and maneuvered it in between two large trucks so it wouldn't be easily spotted. Then he walked the far end of the lot up to where Bobby's boats were kept. Wow, Dean thought as he snuck out to see his old friend like he was some kid climbing out his bedroom window past curfew. Cass was right. I am a big pussy.

"Hey Bobby," Dean grinned as he slapped the man's shoulder from behind. Bobby whipped around with a surprised but delighted smile and immediately threw an arm around him, "Well Dean Winchester, how the hell you been boy?" "Pretty good," Dean lied and then changed the subject. "What are you doing out here giving these guys a hard time, huh? Thought you were supposed to be retired." "Well," Bobby shot a cranky look at his crew. "Gotta look after them idjits. I gotta lot of money tied up in my boats." Dean looked over at the hired seamen and watched them for a minute. "I dunno Bobby. They look like they know what they're doing." Then he turned to his old friend and smirked, "I think you're just bored sitting at home like an old man, old man." "Oh shut up," Bobby said light heartedly. "So I gotta tell you they could have knocked me over with a feather when I heard you were back." "Yeah well, I was overdue for a visit," Dean shrugged as casually as possible. Like he hadn't made it a point to stay as far the hell away from Moss Point as he could get for the last decade.and like everyone in town didn't know that. "Uh-huh," Bobby smirked. "Right." "What?" Dean feigned innocence. "Just wanted to see Sam is all." Bobby laughed, "Boy who are you kiddin'? We both know who you came to see." Fuck. Goddamn Bobby Singer and his ability to see through Dean's bullshit just like he always could with John. Dean still really did not want to have this discussion though. "I don' t know what you're talking about Bobby," he stuck his hands in his pocket and insisted stubbornly. Bobby sighed, "Fine. Lie if you want, but I know that look." "What look?" Dean frowned. "That lovesick puppy look you always used to get on your face whenever Cass was within spitting distance." Dean just blushed and shrugged in response. Bobby slapped his shoulder, "Well good luck with that son. Cass he, well he hasn't been the same since Deacon passed. It might not be so easy to get through to him now." That night, Sam and Jess took him out on the town for an official homecoming celebration and invited Chuck and Andy along too. Chuck was doing well for himself. Who knew being a wicked

liar could turn into a lucrative career as a pulp fiction writer? He'd made a killing in books, helped turn a couple of them into movies, and then moved back to Moss Point to get some quiet from the Hollywood life. Andy was still the same sweet kid as always, offbeat though he was, and owned the local comic book store. It was great to see them again and lifted Dean's spirits - at least until the subject rolled around to Castiel. "Man this is great," Chuck said after they'd finished dinner and had moved on to drinks. "Just like old times." "Well except Cass isn't here," Andy said, unthinking, and then flinched when Chuck obviously kicked him under the table. "I uhm," Sam said carefully. "I invited him but he was busy." "Yeah, he probably had to work is all," Andy piped in, trying to be helpful and cover his earlier mistake. "The store closed two hours ago," Dean said matter of factly. Jess sighed, "Well he doesn't get out much, Dean. He mostly just works, has dinner with Ellen and then goes home." "You know him?" Dean cocked an eyebrow. Jess lived in Northfork, wasn't a local, and Dean had never heard her mention him when she visited him with Sam . "I-uh, yeah," she hesitated and then Dean realized why she had never mentioned him. Sam must have warned her that Cass was a sensitive topic for Dean and like always, was being a loyal little brother by keeping her clear of the subject. "Actually, his mother is in the ward where I work. I see Castiel every visiting day." "She was re-committed?" Dean asked a bit surprised. Jess nodded, "Yes. A few years ago. I think Castiel just realized it was best for her. She's happy there. It's a lovely private hospital and she has friends and activities to keep her occupied. Very structured and the constant medication monitoring keeps her mostly lucid. Plus, he never misses an opportunity to visit." "Well that's good," Dean muttered, a little disgruntled. He had the bitter taste of missed opportunities in his mouth and was suddenly kinda pissed at Cass. Why hadn't he just ugh. No. No stop it. That kind of thinking got you nowhere ten years ago, dude. You're the one that fucked up. Not him. Not him. Sam chimed in interrupting his thoughts, "Yeah, that's about the only thing he does besides work and check in on Ellen." "It's cuz he's depressed," Chuck said as he sipped on his beer. "Depressed?" Dean frowned. Castiel had seemed different this morning than Dean could ever remember but he had chalked that up to Castiel being very angry with Dean and with the distance a decade apart inevitably caused

"That's what Ellen says," Andy sighed. "Ever since Deacon. I mean we all knew it would be hard on him but we figured eventually it would get better. It hasn't though. It's like he crawled into a little shell and stayed there. Doesn't even seem like Cass anymore." "He's like he was when we first met him," Sam summed it up quietly for Dean in one sentence. It was strange how Sam could barely remember those days but had a distinct recollection of how haunted and isolated the other little boy had been. Dean's chest started to constrict as he realized now that everyone he'd talked to today had warned him Castiel was messed up and that something was wrong. Somehow it hadn't registered until Sam said that. Why hadn't he taken five minutes out of his own agenda to recognize what everyone was trying to tell him? Fifteen Years Ago "Alright, now has everyone turned in their money for the Washington trip?" Mrs. Beasley asked as she counted the last student's cash. Dean squirmed in his seat. This was the part where she would go down the roll and call out the students names that hadn't paid for their reservation to ask them one last time if they had it. He didn't. He wasn't going on the trip. The little money he earned working for Rufus after school went to help keep the lights on in their house and food on the table. John worked sporadically at best and if it had just been him then Dean would have said fuck you and paid to go on the trip with his earnings. But there was Sammy to think about, so every week Dean would put his pay towards bills keeping back only enough to take Cass to a movie or out to eat. He wouldn't have even kept that much back but he felt bad about Castiel always having to pay for everything. It shouldn't be that way. He should be taking care of Cass. As Ms. Beasley scanned the list of students Dean grew increasingly uncomfortable. She called one and then another and was getting closer and closer to the Ws. It wasn't that he even cared about the stupid class trip, except of course that not going would mean being away from Castiel for almost a week. The real problem was that when she called his name everyone would know exactly why he wasn't going. It wasn't cuz he had other vacation plans like Johnny Deerfield whose parents were taking him to Hawaii to see his grandmother. And it wasn't because he'd just had his tonsils out and had an overprotective mother who didn't want him going and catching a chill like Sarah Andrews. It was because he was the poorest kid in class, the no account son of a no account alcoholic father, who had electrical tape on his boots to cover the holes and was the only kid in tenth grade who had to have a job just to be able to eat. Ruby Wexfield and her minions would love being able to point out once again that he was white trash. Even now he could see the bitch smiling smugly over her shoulder at him just waiting for the moment so that she could say something crude when his name was called. It might get her a trip to the principal's office but it would still be a victory for her and a humiliation for Dean. God how he hated her. "Caroline Underwood?"

"My mom is coming after school with a check." "Alright Caroline, that will be fine." Awww shit. Here it comes. Dean Winch"Michael Yeoman?" Wait. What? Yeoman comes after Winchester, Dean frowned. The hell? Maybe the old bird let him off the hook. Naw, that wasn't likely. Mrs. Beasley wasn't with it enough to realize the implications of calling out Dean's name like that. Hell, the forgetful little old lady could barely remember to wear matching shoes. Casting a confused glance over at Castiel he saw the boy smile and give him a discrete wink. Son of a bitch. Cass had paid Dean's way without telling him. .. "But I don't understand why you're so angry with me," Cass huffed as he struggled to catch up with Dean who was marching furiously down the street away from school. "Because I'm not a goddamn charity case, Cass! You don't like it when people pity you well I don't like it when they pity me either!" "It's not pity! I swear it's not like that. You know me better than that," Castiel pleaded, panting and limping as fast as he could but failing miserably to catch his boyfriend. "Dean PLEASE SLOW DOWN! You know I CAN'T KEEP UP!" Irritated as he was Dean came to an abrupt halt. He would not, under any circumstances, embarrass Cass in public by making him try to run after him on the street on his bad leg. He waited there, red faced and still angry as Castiel crossed the distance between them and then took a minute to catch his breath. Finally the boy looked up at him with his soulful eyes and insisted quietly, "It's not like that." "Cass," Dean said with a 'don't bullshit me' warning in his voice. "Give me one good reason for you to pay $400 dollars for me that does not include feeling sorry for me." "I don't want to go without you. They'll they'll give me a hard time," Castiel looked away shamefaced. "Besides, I wouldn't have any fun without you there anyway. I wouldn't be able to enjoy it at all." Dean winced. Damn it how the kid could pull on his heartstrings. Only Cass and Sam could bring Dean to his knees with their puppy eyes. It wasn't fair. Dean knew for a fact that half the reason Cass paid for the trip was because he felt sorry for Dean and didn't want him to be left out. But he also knew that the other half of the reason was just like Cass had said. He desperately wanted to go on the trip. He'd been talking about nothing else for weeks, much to Dean's frustration. Castiel was just a big old nerd, practically a genius; and his favorite subjects had always been social studies and history. This was the trip of a life time for a smart kid who liked politics and was stuck in a crap hole like Moss Point; but without Dean there to act as a buffer,

Ruby and Ansem and all the others would ruin it for him. So now Dean was forced between swallowing his pride and letting Castiel down. "I just I just don't feel right about Deacon having to pay for me," Dean hedged. "He's not," Castiel insisted. "It's my own money I swear." Dean cocked his eyebrow suspiciously, "Where did you get $400 dollars Cass?" Castiel said nothing just bit his lip and looked sheepish. "Cass?" Dean warned. "I took it out of my savings, okay? It's not a big deal." "Dammit Cass that money is for your college!" Dean barked. "I know, but I've got lots in there and I get more on my birthday and Christmas from Deacon and Ellen. And you know my grandpa left me a lot and I can sell the store when I'm eighteen!" Castiel replied. "There'll be plenty of money for college. It's only $400 dollars Dean, come on. Please!" Dean rolled his eyes. It was true that Max, when he passed on two years ago, had left Castiel set. The whole estate was divided in two, half went to a trust to care for Anna and the other half went to Cass. It meant he could afford to go to school and start a good life when the time came and it was a lot more than $400 dollars, to be sure. It was the principle of it though! That money was supposed to be for Castiel's future and more than anything he wanted Cass to have a good future. They had plans to leave Moss Point behind when they graduated. Cass was smart enough to go to any college he wanted. The two of them would get an apartment and Dean would get a job while Cass went to school and then.well then they could live happily ever after, far away from this miserable fucking town and Dean's drunken dad and Cass' crazy mother. They wouldn't be the town 'gimp' or the town 'charity case' anymore. They would just be themselves and they'd be together. When Dean was younger his only dream was to run away from his father when Sam was grown and didn't need him anymore. Now his dream was to run away with Cass; but he never intended for Cass to foot the bill for any of it. No way. Dean was a man and he could pay his own damn way. "I can't take the money, Cass," Dean mumbled and turned away. "You get it back from Ms. Beasley and just tell her I can't go." Behind him he heard a frustrated little grunt when Castiel plopped down on the curb and said, "Well then I can't go either." Dean whipped around and snapped, "Yes you can. You don't need me to go, Cass. You just ignore those bastards, stay close to Chuck or the teachers and you'll be okay." "No," Castiel crossed his arms and pouted. "I'm not going without you."

Fucking hell! Dean thought. For as honest a boy as Castiel was, he was not above manipulating Dean if he really, really felt he had too. And damn, was he good at it. "Cass, you have " "No." "But you really wanted to go and it's not right that-" "No." "Fine!" Dean barked in frustration. "Fine! But I'm not taking it for free, alright. I'll justI'll do something for you to work it off." "Really?" Cass' eyes shined hopefully. It wasn't the thought of Dean paying him back that got him worked up though, he was just so relieved Dean agreed to go in the first place. The thought that Cass was that excited about Dean simply coming with him made that warm, proud sensation return to his chest. Only Cass ever made him feel like that. "Yeah, yeah," Dean shrugged it off, trying to be cool. "Maybe I could help you fix up that old Mustang of Deacon's. Then I could probably rig the pedals for you. He said you could have it right?" Castiel got to his feet and nodded excitedly. Dean knew Cass wanted a car of his own but up til now he really hadn't attempted anything more than a single driving lesson, even with Deacon offering the old car as an incentive for Cass to try. His first attempt at learning to drive had been disastrous because he couldn't manage to work the pedals properly and damn near ran into a tree. After that he'd been too embarrassed to try again. The Mustang itself, though, wasn't in too bad a shape, and Dean knew his way around a wrench and an airbrush. He could clean it up, give it a good tune up and then just add some modifications so Cass could drive it even with the hip problem. Problem solved. "Alright cool, we'll go take a look at it after I get off work and-" "Hey booooyyyys," Ruby called as she came prancing up with a little crowd of her minions in tow. Thankfully gigantor Ansem wasn't with them. Mostly it was a bunch of girls including her newest lackey, a hateful little blonde named Meg Masters. Dammit to helldid Ruby have to ruin every good minute? "What do you want Ruby?" Dean sneered at her. "I just wanted to tell you how nice it was of your little handicapped boyfriend to pay for your trip," she said, all sunshine and fake smiles. Nice one. A twofer.or a threefer really as she managed to call Cass a gimp, Dean poor, and both of them faggots without even breaking a sweat. Out of the corner of his eyes Dean saw Cass panic slightly over the 'boyfriend' bit. They were still a secret and always would be til they left this town because as Dean had pointed out to Cass time and again it wasn't safe here for people to know; but Dean knew Ruby was just fishing and she didn't have a clue they were actually boyfriends. Any insult at hand would do for that evil little witch.

Well Dean could play that game too, "Hey Ruby isn't there a football player somewhere you should be giving mono too?" Ruby narrowed her eyes and Dean knew he was now the sole target of her venom. Good, better him than Cass. "Shouldn't you be at work white trash? I heard your dad got fired again. Whose gonna pay for groceries this week if you don't go pave some roads? Or..are you gonna just go on welfare?" The crowd that had gathered started to snicker. Goddammit. How she always, always knew how to kick Dean where he lived, he would never figure out. She must have laid awake every night making lists of how to torture people. If she hadn't been so spot on about his family's situation he would have just hurled a zinger right back at her. But lately Dean himself had been getting more desperate about what would happen to Sam if things didn't change and his fears were too close to the surface, made it hard to think, and made it hard to respond. As he stood there blushing and struggling to come up with a witty retort that would put her in his place, he was shocked to see Castiel move beside him. He noticed, in his peripheral vision as Cass stepped up to face her that the boy was rubbing his chest and for a second Dean was afraid something was wrong with him. Then he realized exactly what Cass was touching. It was the star. Dean knew sometimes Cass would wear it pinned backwards inside his over shirt. And whenever he got scared or nervous or needed a little boost of courage, he would touch it. What happened next was surreal because in all the years Ruby had been tormenting Castiel, he'd never talked back. He just stood there and glared and refused to answer. He wouldn't give her the satisfaction of responding. Castiel had always considered that the safest course of action and the one that would be most likely to let him walk away with at least a little dignity. He'd never been that good at the talking thing and in a tet-a-tet of words Ruby would make him look foolish. Now, suddenly something had changed; and Dean's heart fluttered as he realized that Castiel was finally stepping up because she was tormenting Dean. What he wouldn't hazard for himself.he would do for Dean. "Ruby Wexfield," Castiel said loudly for the whole crowd to hear. It was a very serious business tone of voice and Cass could have very well been a grownup at that moment. "Bad things happen to everyone, you know. And one day, it'll be your turn. One day, you'll be the one people laugh at and tease." "No one will ever make fun of me," Ruby snickered at him. "I'm not poor or a cripple." But Castiel didn't flinch or back down in the least. He just said very calmly, "You'll see, Ruby. Eventually.everyone takes a turn." The confidence with which he said that, and the wisdom in his eyes as he did, made Ruby's mouth snap shut. He got her, Dean thought. He really fucking got her. Cuz now Ruby didn't look so smug. Now she even looked a little nervous. With that Castiel turned on his heel and walked away with his head held high, leaving Ruby fidgeting uncomfortably as her minions started looking at her with a critical eye. Dean grinned and turned to follow Cass down the street.

 Present Day Dean tossed and turned all night after learning how hard a time Cass was having. His dreams were haunted by images of the tiny boy he'd seen all alone in the street twenty years ago, and of the angry and sorrowful man that stood before him yesterday. He woke that morning with a deep physical ache in his bones and made up his mind then and there to change his priorities. The thought of Cass suffering caused his old protective instincts to kick in. How dare Dean come back here looking to be saved when it was Castiel who was drowning? It was time he set aside his own needs and feelings and tried to find a way to help Cass; because that's what you did for people you loved. You put your own desires on the backburner and gave them what they needed, even if it cost you a lot in the process. Ironically, it was Castiel who had taught him that. After a quick shower and breakfast, Dean told Sam he was going to see Cass. That earned him a somber and sympathetic look which he patently ignored as he headed out the door. He couldn't get caught up in his own insecurities about seeing his ex again. He needed to focus on the task at hand, which was finding out what he could do to help the man and then actually doing it. Castiel probably wouldn't want his help, but Dean was determined to find a way to break through that wall no matter what it took. He rolled up to the dock at a quarter past nine and sat behind the wheel for another ten good minutes before working up the courage to get out. Finally, with a few deep breaths, he managed to walk to the entrance and open the door. Just as he had been when he walked into his untouched room two days ago, he was immediately transported to another time. The store itself had not changed much, only the merchandise. In twenty years very little had been done in the way of renovation, but that wasn't really surprising. Max had kept the place impeccable and taken excellent care of it. And Castiel of course, would never have disrespected his beloved grandfather's memory by letting the place get run down in his care. Castiel was busy with a customer and Dean took the opportunity to scan the store, noticing a perky little blond dressed to the nines over in the back corner. It was Meg Masters and Dean had to admit she was still a real knock out. Still had an attitude problem though. He saw her whispering conspiratorially to some friend he didn't recognize and staring derisively at a mousy little woman who was hauling around a screaming toddler with a couple other small kids in tow. The woman obviously noticed she was being stared at and it was equally obvious that Meg and her friend were talking shit about her. Dean sighed. Some things never changed. Dean felt a pang of sympathy for the woman as she tried to comfort her bawling child and tried to avoid Meg's nasty sneers. She was so preoccupied she ran right into him accidentally. "Oh, sorry," she mumbled shyly and then looking up at him she sounded shocked, "Dean? Dean Winchester?" "Ruby?" Dean's eyebrows shot into the stratosphere as he recognized her for the first time. Some things did change, apparently, because Ruby looked like shit. She seemed to be a shadow of her former self and her face had the look of someone well beyond 30 years old, like someone who had a lot of hard years under their belt. Her whole demeanor had changed as well. She was actually..friendly.

She gave him a small, wistful smile and said, "I didn't realize you were back in town. Are you moving here?" "Uh," Dean stammered, still in shock that he was exchanging kind words with a little rag doll that used to be the boldest, most evil girl in all Moss Point. "I don't know yet. Just visiting for now." "Oh," Ruby nodded understandingly. "Ruby," Castiel called as he finished with the other customer. He clearly saw Dean, but did not acknowledge him except for a flash of some emotion Dean couldn't quite define in his eyes. "I've got your order together." She smiled once again at Dean and he watched as she plodded over to the counter with her urchins in tow. As she dug through her purse for a moment trying to put together her change, it became increasingly obvious that she didn't have the cash for the small bag of necessities Castiel had gathered. In the corner, Dean could hear Meg snicker again and he should have felt vindicated by it. Ruby had made his and Cass' lives a living hell when they were young; but Dean had never been the type who could take pleasure in other people getting whumped on, no matter how much bad karma they had coming to them. Castiel wasn't the type either. He saw Cass shoot Meg a pissy look and then call loudly across the store, "Meg, your herpes cream won't be in til next week so you can come back then." At that Meg's little girlfriend gaped at her and burst out laughing as Meg dragged her out of the store in a red-faced rage. Ruby, standing there in her sad brown dress with her empty wallet looked up at Castiel gratefully, and Dean thought she might just burst into tears. "I don't, I don't seem to have enough. I'll have to put a few things back." "It's alright Ruby," Castiel said quietly. "Don't worry about it." She smiled with so much gratitude over that small charitable gesture that Dean's heart actually broke for her for a moment as Castiel slid the bag across the counter and nodded discretely. He said nothing else, not wanting to embarrass her any more than she already was. She took the bag timidly with her free hand and led her children toward the door. Before she exited though, she turned back and smiled at Dean one last time. In a meek voice she told him, "It was good to see you again, Dean." Then she was gone and Dean was left with a tangle of emotions. He actually felt bad for her. In the years he'd been gone whenever he had call to remember her it was always with hatred, but now that seemed so pointless. Whatever vengeance Dean had wanted to work out on her, life itself had taken care of. She was humbled utterly on her knees. Dean could relate to that feeling. When he turned back around he saw the store was now empty and Castiel kept throwing furtive, nervous glances his way. He didn't seem to be seething at the sight of Dean was better than Dean could have hoped for, but he did seem uncomfortable. "Well she sure changed," Dean said, trying to break the ice.

Castiel shrugged and avoided his eyes as he went back to stocking the shelves behind the counter, "Hard times do that to people I guess." Dean was impressed. No one could have blamed Castiel for crowing over Ruby's fate because he above everyone else had suffered at her hands. But Cass was the same good guy he had always been, who always did the right thing no matter what. Depressed, or angry or whatever else Castiel might be Dean was glad to see that that much had not changed. Sensing that this was a safer topic than attempting to talk about them or about Deacon, Dean kept with it. At least Cass was talking to him. "What happened to her?" "Well," Cass answered as he reached for a high shelf, just barely managing to put the box in his hand where it belonged. "Her dad got caught embezzling from the town treasury." "Seriously?" "Yeah," Cass nodded turning back to face him. It seemed this impersonal topic put Castiel more at ease as well and he could look Dean in the eye as they talked. "It was a huge scandal and he ended up killing himself when it came out that he was about to get arrested. Ruby kinda went off the rails after that. Married Ansem Weems, who beat the crap out of her." "Oh," Dean grimaced. Even Ruby didn't deserve to have some man beat on her. Dean could never abide wife beaters; though he wasn't surprised Ansem had turned into one. He had always been a big, dumb brute of a man. Castiel sighed and continued, "Then about a year ago he got killed trying to rob a liquor store over in Carteret. Since then she's been struggling just to feed her kids." "That sucks," Dean empathized. "Yeah," Castiel said giving him a hard, cold look. "I guess some people just pick the wrong men." Dean flinched. That remark was aimed right at him. The only way to respond was not to, so Dean ignored the barb and casually strolled over to the ice cream bar to sit down on the very same stool he had the day they'd met. "How's your mom?" he asked. "She's okay," Cass said, his tone softening a bit as they steered the conversation once again to safe ground. This conversation was like a minefield but Dean was happy to navigate it if it meant getting to actually spend a little time with Cass. "She likes it up at Four Oaks? I heard it was a nice place," Dean said. "How did you-" Castiel frowned a bit. "Oh, Jess right. Yeah. It's a good place for her. She's happy there and they keep her pretty lucid. Most days she knows who I am." "Well Jessica's a good nurse, from what I hear."

Castiel came to sit down then too. Dean had to try hard not to react when the man sat two seats away, in the exact place he had sat on that first fateful afternoon "She's a really nice girl," Castiel answered, oblivious to Dean's musings. His mood seemed to have lightened a bit. "Is Sam gonna marry her?" Dean shrugged, "Well he told me he wants to propose. I hope so. They seem good together." "Yeah," Cass nodded and looked away. There was an awkward silence as Dean studied the selection of sprinkles on the counter and Castiel watched sightseers pass by the window. While Cass was preoccupied, Dean risked turning slightly to study him. When he'd left, Castiel was a fresh faced youth, but now he was a full grown man. He had rugged, masculine good looks, unlike Dean who no matter how he tried, still tended more towards being a 'pretty boy'. Dean could see the beginnings of crow's feet and laugh lines etched into Castiel's face. He had managed, through multiple hip surgeries (Dean still remembered the brutal weeks of painful physical therapy Cass had endured after each of those), to gain height. He was nearly as tall as Dean now. His hip, however, was still game and always would be. No matter what the doctors tried, there was just no way to fix what Mother Nature had twisted so wretchedly. But he was a far cry from the tiny, stunted little boy he'd once been. He still had that unkempt bed head hair of his though and then of course there were his eyes. They were the same; huge and lovely and hypnotic, like all the mysteries of the world were hidden there. "Hey Cass," Dean said after a moment. "Yeah?" Castiel looked back at him absently as if he'd been daydreaming, the same way he did as a kid. "You remember catching that chicken?" Dean grinned. "What chicken?" he asked, clearly confused. "You don't remember that? With the truck and Rufus and all? You made a dollar by catching that chicken," Dean tried to jog his memory. When Cass just kept shaking his head Dean added, "It was the day we met. We were sitting here and Deacon came in saying there was a wreck-" "Oh," Castiel answered quietly. Dean couldn't believe Cass couldn't remember catching that hen. That afternoon had been one of his own major milestones, because it had brought his first and really only love into his life. For about the third time since he'd arrived in Moss Point just a couple days ago he felt liked he'd been kicked in the gut. It was devastating to think that Cass didn't recall "The only thing I remember about that day was you," Castiel said quietly and pushed away from the counter. "Cass," Dean whispered hoarsely, grabbing his wrist.

"Don't okay?" Castiel pleaded. "Let's just it's too much water under the bridge now. Let's just leave it." But Dean couldn't leave it. Leaving it meant leaving Cass to deal with his problems himself, which he clearly had not been. For better or worse now, Dean's arrival had thrown a monkey wrench into the status quo. It had shaken Cass up a little and maybe that was the first step to getting him past Deacon, or whatever else was on his mind. Dean wasn't sure exactly how he could change things, only that he could. Clearly fate or Pam or whatever had sent him here for a reason a lot bigger than just his own selfish needs. He was not going to stop now just because Cass wasn't in the mood. "Just have dinner with me!" Dean blurted out. Castiel frowned but Dean continued, "I promise I'll be on my best behavior, won't pick a fight, nothing like that. We don't have to talk about anything you don't want to okay? Not us, or the past or Deaconnot anything that will upset you. Hell, I'll sit there in silence if you want just-" At that Castiel grinned skeptically, "You will sit there in silence? That'll be the day." It made Dean smile cuz Castiel was actually teasing him. It was small and insignificant but it was a start. "Yeah, if that's what you want. Come on please, Cass. Just one dinner. That's all I'm asking for I swear." Castiel was starting to cave and Dean could see it but the man still looked doubtful, "I usually go have dinner with Ellen. She likes the company. ButI guess she won't mind if I miss one night." Oh thank you God. YES! Dean thought in relief. It took every ounce of self control he had to keep from jumping from the stool and shouting in triumph. Instead he just beamed so broadly he thought his face would crack and answered, "Great! Great. Where would you like to go?" Castiel looked down for a minute and shrugged. "Why don't you just come over to my house. I can throw something together for us I guess." "Terrific!" Dean barked and realized that in his giddiness he was making an ass of himself. He didn't care though. Cuz Cass was gonna make them dinner and that meant he didn't hate Dean's guts after all. "Just don't expect anything fancy," Castiel warned. "I'm not that great a cook." "No problem," Dean nodded. It was no problem at all. He didn't care if they ate beanie weenies for Chrissakes. All that mattered is that they were finally getting somewhere. . Fifteen Years Ago "Cass, Cass please, are you in there," Dean whispered loudly as he perched on the eave outside Castiel's window at Deacon's house. He rapped as loud as he thought he could without getting caught. He didn't want Ellen or the sheriff to see him. Not in the shape he was in.

It had started just after dinner. John had come home in a foul mood, stinking of whiskey and Dean had broken the news he was going to Washington for a week. Thankfully Sam was spending the night at Andy's so he wouldn't hear the inevitable fight. "Don't be ridiculous," John snorted as he rummaged through the fridge to find another beer. "You gotta work." "Rufus said I could take the week off," Dean said firmly. He was not backing down on this. Now that Castiel had displayed just how important it was for him to be there, Dean really wanted to go. Besides, a week away from his father would be fucking heaven at this point. "Yeah, well you can't. We need the money. How the fuck are we gonna make the rent this month if you just run off and do whatever the hell you want?" "I can work double shifts next week," Dean answered plainly. He would too, even if it meant skipping school. Whatever it took to get away with Castiel for a few days. Anything. John turned, beer in hand, and eyed him suspiciously, "Doesn't that trip cost money? Where'd you get it." Dean crossed his arms and said nothing. Fuck him. It wasn't his business. If there was one thing John hated most it was being ignored. He crossed the distance between them and got right in Dean's face. "Did you steal it?" "No!" Dean barked. He might not be the most upright person in the world but he was no goddamn thief and his father, if he'd ever been half sober for more than five minutes at a time, would know that. "You're a fucking liar," John grunted and turned away. That set Dean's blood boiling and from that point on there was no way this was gonna turn out anything but bad. "No, I'm not." He snarled. "I'm not like you." "What the fuck did you just say?" John asked spinning on his heel. "I said I'm not a liar, you are. Cass gave me the money!" Dean snapped and then immediately regretted it. He shouldn't have told where the money came from. It looked weird another boy would give him that much money and he knew it. "Uh-huh," John shook his head in disgust. "I bet he did." "What's that supposed to mean?" "Means you and that cripple are way too fucking close for normal," John leaned in close and growled, "That boy's a freak.and it looks like he's trying to recruit you." Dean's eyes got wide and before he even knew it he was swinging hard and connecting with John's jaw with every ounce of force he could manage. It threw the big man off balance and had him doubled over. Wild eyed and manic Dean screamed, "He's not a freak goddamn you! He's a good

person! Not like you, you selfish, worthless bastard! And I am going whether you like it or not. And fuck work.you make the goddamn rent, Dad! That's your fucking job!" He could have gone on forever like that, hurling long overdue obscenities in his father's face. He'd been saving up his anger forever and now John had just pushed him too. damned. far. Only, he was suddenly being interrupted by being thrown across the room when John recovered and charged him. It took Dean by surprise in a thousand wayscuz yeah, once in a while John smacked him, but he usually did not get physical. This time though, this time was different. It was physical and it wasn't a simple smack. This was bad. The next thing he knew he was laying flat on his back on the living room floor with his dad pummeling the shit out of hm. "Cass," Dean whispered ragged through his split and bloody lip. "Come on, I need you." Miraculously, the light flipped on and Castiel was there staring out the window at him his eyes huge and terrified. He yanked open the window and dragged Dean inside sitting them both down on the floor next to the bed. "Dean," he choked and Dean thought he might be crying a little. "Dean, what happened? Tell me you're okay, please. Are you okay?" Dean knew he looked horrible and that he was scaring Cass with his appearance. He had a black eye, a swollen and bruised cheek and a bloody split lip. He didn't want to upset his boyfriend or to look like he couldn't take a beating like a man so he grunted, "I'm okay. Just had another fight with my dad." Castiel's expression turned to one of fury. "This is not just another fight Dean. He beat you! He's not allowed to do that!" the boy cried in righteous indignation. "I hit him first," Dean confessed as Castiel examined his wounds carefully. "Doesn't matter. He's a grownup. He's your dad. He's not supposed to beat on you," Castiel insisted and got up to his feet. "I have to go get Deacon." "NO!" Dean panicked and grabbed his arm dragging him back down next to him. Castiel winced as his hip twisted and Dean groaned, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..you okay?" Castiel squinted at him and nodded, "Yeah, it's alright. But Dean I gotta tell Deacon. He'll know what to do!" "Cass you can't," Dean begged. "You just can't. Deacon'll have to report it and then my dad'll get locked up. They might send Sam to foster care." "But but Dean if it's not safe you can't-" "It is," Dean shook his head furiously. "He was just really drunk and I picked a fight, Cass. Practically dared him to do it. He doesn't usually hit me. And he never hits Sam. Please, please." Castiel frowned, "I don't know. I don't think I can just "

"They would take us away Castiel. They would send us to foster homes. I could take it but Sam, he's just a little guy. Pleaseplease don't tell. I couldn't stand it if they took Sam away. He needs me! And I..I need him," Dean broke down in uncontrollable sobs then. He hated to cry, never did it in front of anyone even Castiel. But the night had turned into such a fucking horror he couldn't help it. Castiel bit his lip and nodded as he knelt beside Dean and stroked his hair. Then Dean crumpled and Castiel pulled him over to cradle Dean's head against his chest. He rocked him a long time on the floor like that. After Dean had calmed himself down, Castiel assured him. "I won't tell. I want to Dean. I'm scared for you.but I won't if you don't want me too." Dean smiled gratefully and Castiel gave him a tight little nod before going to his bathroom to fetch a washrag. He sat slumped against the side of the bed while Cass washed his face with all the gentleness of a mother hen. He whispered apologetically, "You know I can't go now. I gotta stick close to Sam. Leaving for a week isn't a good idea." "I know," Castiel said matter of factly, as though he hadn't been eagerly anticipating this trip for weeks. "We won't go. It's no big deal." Then he pulled Dean onto the bed and climbed in next to him. They fell asleep above the covers, just holding each other with Dean's head resting on Castiel's chest as Cass cooed to him and stroked his hair. .. "Cass? It's time to get up honey. You still goin' to the swap meet with-" Ellen froze when she opened the door and saw the boys huddled together on the bed. Dean froze too as he'd been woken by her calling for Cass and realized just a millisecond before she opened the door how it would look that they were holding each other. It's not like they did anything bad. They hadn't even considered doing 'that' yet, they were too young and it was too soon. They both knew that much. It was all completely innocent. Castiel just slept with his arm around Dean to comfort him and they were fully dressed and everything. But Dean wasn't stupid enough not to realize how it would look that he was cuddling with his best friend. They were a secret. No one was supposed to know they were anything besides just plain old friends. Plain old friends, however, didn't cuddle. Castiel woke suddenly and, seeing Ellen still frozen gaping at them in the doorway, panicked, "We didn't do anything wrong! We didn't do anything wrong!" Cass' frantic pleas seemed to shake Ellen from her trance and she stammered, "No no of course not Cassie. It's alright. I-" Then she fell silent again when she got a look at Dean's face. Her eyes got huge as she barked, "Jesus H. Christ! What happened to you Dean?"

Oh God, Dean groaned. Now Deacon would have to know. No way would Ellen not tell. She had too. That's how grownups were different than kids. Kids understood that sometimes you just couldn't tellnot if you wanted to keep your little universe intact. Adults only thought of things like 'in the child's best interest' and all that. Their universe was different. And Dean's was about to come crashing down. "Ellen," Castiel got up and tried to fix it. "He just.he fell down or something." "Cassie," Ellen breathed out and shook her head. Cass hung his head, half from shame for trying to lie to Ellen's face and half from the knowledge that Dean had been found out and now bad things were gonna happen. Just an instant later she called out, "Deacon! Come up here!" Dean thought of jumping out the window before the sheriff got a look at the evidence of abuse on his face, but it would have been futile. Ellen had already seen and now that Castiel had been found out, he wouldn't lie about it again. Dean's goose was cooked. "What is " Deacon asked as he came into the room and he too was frozen when he saw Dean's face. They all went completely silent for a moment, with Deacon and Ellen staring at Dean's bruises and Dean and Cass hanging their heads, waiting for the fallout. "Cass, Ellen, you guys leave us alone for a minute okay?" Dean sighed. Here it comes. Ellen nodded and slipped out the door but Castiel stood firmly where he was. "Cass?" "I'm not leaving him," Castiel declared and Deacon raised an eyebrow. He looked like he was going to respond but Deacon knew Castiel only got stubborn or disobedient when something was really really important to him. He let Cass stay. "Your dad do this?" Deacon asked stone-faced. Dean shrugged and it was the only answer he needed. "When? Last night?" A single nod and Deacon turned to Castiel, "You should have come woke me up Cass. This is serious." Castiel said nothing just looked down and blushed. Dean rushed to his defense, "it's not his fault, Deacon. He wanted to tell you, begged me to tell you but I made him promise!" Deacon looked back at Dean with sad frustration, "Why? Dean why would you want to let your father off the hook for this?" Castiel piped up then in a small voice, "He's afraid Sam will get taken by the county." Then he turned those huge puppy eyes on Deacon and begged, "Please don't let that happen, Deacon. You can't let them take Sam to foster care!" "He never did it before, I swear," Dean chimed in. "And I hit him first okay? I hit him first!"

Deacon shook his head, "It doesn't matter Dean. He's an adult he's not allowed to beat the crap out of his child, dammit! What am I supposed to do with that? Huh?" "I hit him first okay? Just put me in juvie or something-" Dean started but Castiel began to shake his head furiously. "No Dean-" Dean ignored him and pushed on, "He's never even yelled at Sam. Just leave Sam be. You can say the fight was all my fault cuz I hit him first. I'll go to juvie and Sam can stay home." Granted it wasn't' much of a home but it was true John never turned his anger towards his younger son. Dean made sure he provided a better target. He was the pigheaded one after all. Sam would be safe enough with his dad even if they did have to go on welfare in Dean's absence. He didn't mind getting sent to a boys' home for a couple months to spare his baby brother. "No!" Castiel yelped and grabbed Deacon's arm. "You you can't. Deacon you can't let Dean go to juvie or Sam go to foster care or or- please. JUST PLEASE!" Castiel was fairly shrieking now and both Deacon and Dean were shocked by his level of hysterics. He was usually such a calm and stoic boy but now he was pitching a fit that stunned the hell out of both of them. But maybe they shouldn't have been so stunned. There was a time when the threat of being sent away to strangers had hung over Castiel's head as well; and in that moment it was Deacon who had rescued him too. Deacon sucked in a deep breath and answered, "Alright, both of you calm down now, okay? I'm gonna have to think about this and I'm gonna have to go talk to your dad, you understand? Then I'll try to sort something out." Dean nodded, it was the best he could expect. At least the sheriff was trying to help instead of just throwing John in jail and sending the boys away. Castiel appeared so relieved he might fall over. "Where's Sam?" "He's spending the weekend with Andy," Dean replied. "Good. That should give us some time to work this out," Deacon mumbled. He still looked angry and deeply disturbed by what John had done, but Dean had a faint glimmering of hope that maybe the sheriff would find a compromise. If anyone was good at solving problems, it was Deacon. He turned back to Dean before leaving the room and said, "You stay here until I've had a chance to figure things out do you understand me?" Dean saw the no-nonsense look in his eyes and nodded solemnly. Then Deacon left them alone and Castiel just stood there giving Dean an apologetic shrug. "It's okay, Cass. It's not your fault." Castiel came over and sat next to him on the bed. "Are you scared?" "Yeah," Dean admitted begrudgingly. Only to Cass would he ever admit such a thing. "Deacon will work things out," Cass nodded with confidence.

"I don't know if he can this time," Dean whispered. "It might be out of his hands. I'm worried that that " he trailed off threatening to choke up again like he had last night. Why was his father such a bastard huh? He hadn't asked to be brought into his world. It wasn't his fault his dad had a shit life! It wasn't! Castiel patted his leg and then got up and limped over to his dresser. Dean watched as he fished around in it for a minute before returning to the bed and sitting next to Dean. With all due reverence, he slowly handed over his prized possession the star. "I want you to hold on to this." "No, Cass," Dean shook his head. It moved him beyond measure what Castiel was trying to give him. He knew what it meant, and what Castiel had gone through to earn it. "I can't take that. It's yours." "It was mine. And now I'm giving it to you," Cass nodded his little mop head. "It'll help when you're scared. I swear. It really works." "Bu-but Cass, you, it's like your most important thing!" Dean exclaimed. "No," Cass said and looked into Dean's eyes with so much adoration it hurt. "You are my most important thing." Dean stared first at Cass and then down at the badge, then back at Cass. No one else had ever, would ever love him the way Castiel did. His father sure didn't give a shit. And Sam was too young to know what the world was even about yet. Most of the time Dean felt utterly alone and hopeless.except when he was with Castiel. Dean knew his boyfriend felt the same way. That's why he was giving Dean the star. Dean slowly and carefully took the prized possession from Castiel's hand and held it firmly in his own, realizing just how much Cass would give up to make sure Dean was okay. Then he leaned over, running his hand along the back of Castiel's neck and pulled him in for a kiss. . Present Day That evening Dean felt like a teenager getting ready for his first date. He checked is breath, then his hair, then his breath, then straightened his clothes, then back to the hair. It seemed a foolish exercise, since Castiel had seen Dean at his worst, best and everywhere in between. He'd cleaned him up after fights, held his head while he puked up a half bottle of tequila, and of course, there had been plenty of naked time back in the day. So yeah, there wasn't any side or aspect of Dean Winchester that Castiel hadn't seen, and a hair out of place or a spot on his shirt was no big deal; but he kept checking his appearance anyway. After all these years, he felt a bit nervous that he was having dinner with Castiel. They were virtually strangers now; although, Dean had to admit it didn't feel that way. Every time he was with Cass he felt just as close to the man as he used to be, like Cass was still his boyfriend and always had been. Unfortunately, it was obvious that Castiel didn't feel the same. He was uncomfortable with this and with Dean; so Dean tried to accept that things had changed. It wasn't working though,

and the chasm between the reality of the situation and the illusions his poor smitten heart were carrying was increasing his anxiety tenfold. So on and on he went breath, hair, clothes, breath, hair, clothes. "Dean? Aren't you gonna be late?" Sam called from downstairs. Shit. Checking his watch, Dean saw it was already after 6 pm. He had to be there by 6:30. No way could he be late for this dinner. Pounding down the stairs he stopped in the hallway and turned to his brother. "Do I look okay?" Dean asked anxiously. Sam grinned, "Nervous are we?" Dean gave him a dirty look and sniped, "Oh shut up." "I'm just teasing man," Sam smiled. "You look fine. But you better hurry up or you're gonna be late. What are you gonna take?" "Take?" Dean frowned. Sam bitchfaced at him, "Yeah, dude. We're grownups now. You don't show up for dinner emptyhanded." Oh crap! Man, being a grownup sucks! He was already running late and now he was gonna show up without a pie or whatever the hell he was supposed to take because he hadn't even thought of how proper dinner dates were conducted. "Here," Sam said, handing over a bottle of wine. "You-" Sam shrugged sympathetically, "I figured you forgot so I just picked it up on the way home." "Thanks, Sammy," Dean smiled sheepishly and was once again grateful he had such a big hearted little brother. "Well, it's not entirely out of the goodness of my heart. I kinda have my own agenda," Sam admitted. "What do you mean?" "I was-" Sam shrugged and looked down fidgeting. "I was just kinda hoping this would work out you and Cass. Then maybe, you know." Maybe you wouldn't leave again, Dean finished silently for him. Poor Sam. Sometimes Dean in his own angst forgot about how much Sam had lost as well. John took off, Dean took off, and Sam was still here, holding down the fort. Neither he nor his father appreciated how much Sam cared for them or even stopped to think if he missed them when they were so far away. Dean decided he was

gonna do better by Sam no matter what happened with Castiel. In the meantime, he'd throw the kid a bone. "Well, yeah. You know, if it all goes well. Who knows?" Dean smiled. "You know Rufus offered me a job." "Seriously?" Sam's eyes got wide and hopeful. "Dean that's great!" "Yeah," Dean mustered as much enthusiasm as he could. His future here was still uncertain, but there was no reason for Sam to be disappointed. At least not yet. Dean himself didn't have an answer yet. "Well I uh- better get going." "Yeah, don't be late," Sam nodded solemnly. "And you're okay with me bailing on our dinner?" "Sure sure, me and Jess are going out." "Okay good," Dean slapped his shoulder. "Seeya later kid." Ten minutes later Dean was pulling up into Castiel's driveway. He was still in the same house he'd lived in when Dean left. Unlike with his grandfather's store, however, Castiel did not seem to be keeping up with the house. It was in obvious disrepair, needed a coat of paint badly, some new shutters, and some hardcore lawn care. The sight gave Dean a bad feeling. Castiel was always meticulous and it was just another sign that stuff was bad for him to let his place go this way. Dean grabbed the wine and headed up the steps. As he rang the bell he noticed even the house numbers needed a coat of paint. The last time he had stood here the numbers were bright white, standing out against the dark gray house. Dean pushed the memory away before he could dwell on what happened that night, the things he'd said, and the way he had left. There was no answer for a moment and Dean was a little worried that Castiel had backed out. But then he heard Cass' distinct footsteps and the click of a lock. A second later two big eyes were peeking out at him through a crack in the door. "Hey," Cass said shyly as he opened the door wider to let Dean in. "Hey," Dean answered nervously as he held up the bottle. Castiel frowned a bit and Dean was afraid maybe it wasn't a good enough brand but then the man said, "I uhm I'm not sure wine goes with tuna casserole." Then Cass blushed and said quietly, "I just made tuna casserole. Sorry." "It's okay," Dean rushed to assure him. "I love tuna casserole! The wine was Sam's idea." "Oh," Castiel nodded. Then they stood their awkwardly for a moment, not looking at each other. God this is a nightmare, Dean thought and he had a sudden urge to bolt. He was embarrassed at himself for acting like a stupid teenager when he was desperate to impress Cass.

Finally, Castiel came up with a good idea. Plucking the bottle from Dean's hand he turned toward the kitchen and said over his shoulder, "I could use a drink." "Me too," Dean agreed and followed him in the other room. He leaned against the counter watching as Cass uncorked the bottle and poured them both a humongous glass of wine. Then he held one out to Dean looking uncertain, "Too much?" "Uh, no, I think that's just about right," Dean grinned sheepishly. "Yeah," Castiel snorted and took a big swig from his own huge glass. "The casserole needs a few more minutes. I guess we could uh I don't know go sit in the living room?" "Sure," Dean nodded eagerly. Anything Cass wanted sounded good to him. Right now he was just damn grateful he'd been let in the house. And now maybe he could get Castiel to talk about what was bothering him. After Dean took a seat on the sofa (and noticed how Cass sat down tensely on the chair farthest away from him across the room), he decided to start out with small talk. It seemed to ease Castiel's mood earlier in the store so it might be the best way to begin. It appeared to be working as they chatted about 'whatever happened to' old schoolmates and townspeople they used to know. Castiel's posture eased slightly while they talked about other people. It was safe, impersonal, and easy. The mood continued to lighten and by the time Cass came back from a quick bathroom break having worked his way halfway through his second large glass of wine, he plopped down just a couple feet away from Dean on the couch. Even in the dim light of the living room Dean could tell Castiel was a bit tipsy. It never took much for Cass. With his guard down, now was the time to broach the subject of his depression, as tactfully as possible of course; because despite Castiel's improved mood Dean could still see shadows in his eyes. "Hey Cass, I wanna talk to you about something if it's okay," Dean started casually.and then stopped cold as he noticed that - "SOMETHING'S BURNING!" "Oh shit! Dinner!" Cass cried and pushed off the couch, headed for the kitchen. Dean dashed in front of him and made it to the stove in seconds, but even then he was too late to save the casserole. He grabbed an oven mitt and yanked the charbroiled mess out of the oven then threw it in the sink, turning the water on to cool the dish. Cass was at his side and leaning over looking at the disaster right along with him. Then they looked up at each other and burst out laughing, "I told you I'm a bad cook." Dean grinned, "Uh, yeah." "Sorry," Cass shrugged. "I could order a pizza? OrI have some hotdogs and stuff." "Hotdogs will work," Dean assured him, still chuckling. "Okay," Cass agreed. "But maybe you should boil the water."

"No problem." They ate in relative silence and by the third large glass of wine the absurdity of eating hotdogs with merlot was lost on them. When they finished and deposited their dishes on the sink, Castiel was even wobblier than usual. So Dean took his elbow to lead him back into the living room. This wasn't going exactly as planned. Sure, Dean was feeling pretty good himself, but he hadn't wanted Cass to get this drunk. It would make having a serious talk hard. It was difficult to be disappointed though, once they got to the couch and Castiel started getting close. Like really closekind of nuzzling up to Dean. Cass seemed to have done a 180 on him in the last half an hour and frankly Dean was having trouble keeping track of the man's mood swings. It felt good though, damn good. His heart skipped a beat as old memories came flooding back late nights huddled together in the car, summer afternoons spent in Castiel's bedroom, the delights of learning each other's bodies, the way Castiel's eyes shined in the moonlight. It was all so long ago, but it seemed like only yesterday. And Dean couldn't shake the memory of that night three weeks before graduation when they lost their virginity to each other. "Cass," Dean struggled to keep his head about him though the wine combined with Castiel's touch made it difficult. Castiel ignored him and continued to nuzzle, making Dean's head spin. Then when Castiel yanked his mouth down for a passionate kiss, Dean nearly passed out. So long. It had been so damn long since he'd touched his beloved Cass. As much as Dean just wanted to give in to this - to ignore the distance and time between them and pretend they were eighteen again and still together he couldn't. He'd heard and seen too many worrying things the last few days about Castiel. He knew that this isn't really what Cass wanted at the moment. He was still angry at Dean or weirded out by him or whatever. His behavior towards Dean the last few days had confirmed that. Falling into bed now just because Cass was drunk and horny might fuck everything up and ruin any chance Dean had at real healing between them. It was a mistake. "Cass don't," Dean said gently and managed to push away though his body and heart both screamed not too. "What?" Cass slurred as he drew away looking at Dean sleepily and confused. The guy was definitely plastered. Dean wouldn't take advantage of that. "You don't really want this," Dean whispered and ran a hand down Castiel's stubbled cheek. Proving his point for him, Castiel had another drastic mood swing. He yanked back and snapped, "Well how the hell would you know what I want?" "Cass, come on you-" Castiel stood up and clenched his fists furiously. "Maybe I just wanna get laid! Did you ever think of that? It's been a long time since I had any sex Dean and abstinence is getting a little old.so maybe I just want you to shut up and fuck me!" Dean jumped up to face him, "This is what I mean! This this isn't you! Just wanting to use me for sex while you're uncomfortable even being in the same room with me? And the swearing even! Where has that come from all the sudden? That's not you! "

"How the fuck would you know?" Castiel bitchfaced at him. "You don't know anything about me anymore." "I do know you," Dean eased his tone and reached out to grab Castiel but once again the man flinched away. "I know you're upset right now because of Deaconthat you're depressed and acting out and justhaving a hard time. Ellen and Sam and Chuck they all said-" "Ohhhh," Castiel narrowed his eyes, crossed his arms and replied sarcastically, "So people are talking shit about me. Just like the good old days." "No," Dean pleaded as he realized the implications of that. "No, no, no Cass. Not like that! Everyone's just worried about you, that's all. I'm worried about you." Castiel clenched his jaw and answered flatly, "Right." Then he shook his head in disgust and added, "I don't know why I even bother anymore. What's the point? Well you and they and everyone else who thinks I'm a freak can just go to hell. Leave me alone, okay? I just wanna be left the fuck alone." With that he turned and hauled ass up the stairs, slamming his bedroom door behind him. Dean was left standing there speechless. .. Fifteen Years Ago "Dean, can you come in here, hon," Ellen called up through the screen door. "I wanna talk to you a minute." Castiel gave him a wide eyed worried look. It was late in the afternoon and Deacon had been out all day trying to sort the mess out. Dean and Cass had spent the day trying to keep their minds of Dean's troubles and working on the Mustang but had stopped and waited when they heard the phone ring. It was probably Deacon calling with the verdict. They'd just stood there waiting to hear the word, Castiel discretely slipping his hand in Dean's as they did. "Sure," Dean called back and gave Castiel's hand a squeeze. Then he let go and headed up the back steps with Cass hot on his heels. As they came through the door Ellen said, "Cass you go on upstairs and wash up for dinner." "But I-" "Castiel," she warned and he knew there was no use arguing. Ellen was a compassionate woman and a loving surrogate mother to him, but she was tougher than Deacon, not as easily swayed. If she wanted to talk to Dean alone then dammit that's what was going to happen. Castiel sighed and glanced at Dean who nodded to him reassuringly. Then he turned and headed up the stairs to clean the grease from his hands. Ellen turned to Dean and gave him a sympathetic smile then took his arm and led him into the den. "Come talk to me, Dean."

Dean followed easily even though he was scared to death that she might be getting ready to give him bad news. He didn't want to make this harder on Ellen or Deacon. He didn't have a right to visit his problems on them in the first place, and they were doing everything they could to help. If they hadn't managed to work something out, well then Dean was just grateful they tried. As they sat down on the sofa Ellen turned to him and studied him for a moment before starting, "That was Deacon." Dean nodded and answered gruffly, "I figured." "Well," she sighed. "He talked to your daddy. Turns out once he sobered up he felt horrible about what he did." Dean snorted, "Yeah I bet." "I know, I know," Ellen patted his hand. "Honey, my own daddy was an alcoholic. I get it." "Really?" Dean frowned. He'd had no idea ,but then that's not something people usually talked about. "Mmm-hmm," Ellen said. "Mean bastard too." "My dad's not usual violent, he just" "I know, Dean," Ellen nodded. "I got it. Believe me, Deacon and I have both seen enough in this world to figure people out pretty well." Dean looked down at his shoes and hesitantly asked the burning question, "So what's gonna happen?" "Well, Deacon had a few words with your daddy, so to speak. Told him he had a choice between going to AA, staying off the bottle, and willingly letting the sheriff's department check in on your house whenever they wanted.or going to jail." "And dad picked" "He's gonna play by the rules. I think what he did scared the shit outta him too. I don't think he realized he was capable of that. Seems to want to change. Maybe he will, maybe he won't but I can tell you this Deacon also told him that if he ever, ever sees a bruise on either you or Sammy again he's gonna put him under the jail. And Dean? He means it. The truth is it goes against everything Deacon believes in to let you go back there. Frankly, he'd much rather just kick your daddy's ass and toss him in the pen. This compromise is very hard for him. Very. But..he's willing to give this a chance because he's more worried about what will happen to you if your daddy does go to jail." "So I, Sam and I-" "You can stay where you are for now. As long as you promise that if there is any problem.anyyou will come to us immediately. You got that?" "Yes ma'am."

"Don't you yes ma'am me, boy. Now I know you. You're an honest kid and I want you to swear to me on your life that you will come to us if you or Sammy are ever in any danger again." Dean looked up at her and said firmly, "I swear." Ellen seemed convinced and smiled in satisfaction, "You're not alone in this world Dean. There's a lot of people who care about you around here." Dean nodded. He wasn't sure there were a lot. But there were a few, especially Cass and his adoptive family. Dean felt blessed to have them around and foolish for having doubted them in the first place. "Thank you," Dean told her and almost choked up. She playfully ruffled his hair and wrapped an arm around his shoulder for a minute. Then she pulled back and turned sober again. "There's something else we need to talk about." Dean knew what was coming next was a discussion of what she'd seen this morning. He was less prepared for this conversation; because this wasn't just about him, it involved Cass. The last thing he wanted to do was talk about this with Ellen, but she'd seen and there was no denying it. He just desperately hoped she would understand. Not for his own sake, but for Castiel's. "I love him," Dean mumbled cutting off any doubt at the pass. "Well of course you do," Ellen smirked. "I'm not blind." Dean furrowed his brow and asked, "What? You mean you-" "Don't worry, honey. You're not obvious. He's not obvious. We just know Cassie and you well enough to tell that you're ..more than friends." Dean looked at her with an open expression and nodded then quickly assured her, "But we're notyou know.doing anythingit's just." "Okay," Ellen sighed in relief. "Good." Dean winced but she rushed to add, "You're just both very young. And you both have a lot of growing up to do before you're ready for the responsibilities of an adult relationship. Do you know what I mean?" Dean blushed and nodded, "Yeah but we're not you know-" Ellen nodded solemnly, "I figured not but it's still good to hear. What I really wanted to talk to you about is being careful about who knows. Not everyone in a small town like this will understand. People are cruel. I guess I don't have tell you-" "No," Dean shook his head sadly. "You don't."

"I know you can handle yourself, Dean. But Castiel isn't as strong. He's very shy, very sensitive, and because of his handicap he's vulnerable to anyone who might want to hurt him physically. You have to remember that and look out for him." "Ellen," Dean said earnestly. "I will always look out for him. Always take care of him. I swear." When they got done Dean headed back upstairs to wash up for dinner himself. Castiel was waiting there for him, all freshly scrubbed and in a clean shirt. He looked worried. Without a word, Dean immediately went to him and wrapped his arms around his waist pulling him in close. For a moment he just stood there inhaling the scent of soap and Tide and Cass. Finally he whispered, "It's okay. Deacon came throughjust like he always does." He didn't mention the rest of the conversation he'd had with Ellen. Cass didn't need to know that part. It would only embarrass him and right now he was happy and relaxed, smiling against Dean's neck as he rested his head on Dean's shoulder. Why mess with the mood? Nothing had ever felt as right as this. Dean thought briefly about the promise he made to Ellen about always taking care of Castiel. He meant it. There was nothing that could ever make him abandon Cass or let him down. He would be there to take care of his boyfriend forever. .. Present Day In his drunken haze, Dean stood there for a moment trying to decide what to do. He should probably leave, although driving at this point wasn't the best idea. After considering it for a while, he stumbled upstairs after Cass. The only thing he was sure of at this point was that Castiel was upset and at least part of that was Dean's fault. He plodded down the hall to the room he remembered to be Castiel's and knocked gently. "Cass," he said roughly. No answer. "Come on Cassie, please," he pleaded resting his forehead against the door but still received no answer. Maybe he was being ignored, or maybe in his wine induced fog he just picked the wrong door. He listened for a minute to see if he could hear anything beyond the door. Still nothing. Fuck it. Cracking the door gently he peeked in and saw a lump on the bed which he was sure was Cass. "Hey, Cass?" When he got no response he realized that Castiel was likely passed out. With a sigh he crept into the room and shook the man gently. Castiel just mumbled and shifted in his sleep and Dean gave up on the idea of talking about it anymore tonight. Well, he wasn't leaving. If he left now it would just be one more screwed up meeting between them and there had already been too many of those. He

would stay and fix things in the morning. Besides, Cass was upset and out of it. He shouldn't be alone in this state. Dean slipped out of his boots and then climbed into bed next to Castiel. Lying on his side to face the man, he slung one arm over his hip loosely, just to let Cass know he was there, that he wasn't alone. Once again, Cass murmured in his sleep and Dean reached up for a moment to brush the hair away from his eyes. His face was tense and worried, even in slumber and Dean knew Cass was having nightmares. Scooting over a little nearer he held on more firmly to Castiel as he let himself go to sleep as well. Sometime in the night Castiel woke up in a panic. His eyes shot open and he yelped, "No!" "M'here," Dean mumbled and pulled him closer. "Right here. S'okay Cass. Go 'sleep. Safe." Cass blinked at him blurry eyed for a moment and asked in a confused voice, "Dean?" "Yeah, baby. S'me. You're safe. Sleep now," Dean murmured petting his hair gently. Castiel began to relax against him as Dean snuggled in close. He could feel Castiel's heartbeat slow and feel his breathing even out against his neck. Eventually they both drifted back to sleep. . Sometime around 7:00 in the morning Dean was woken up by sunlight creeping into the room. It took a beat for him to remember where he was and why his head was pounding . Then another beat to realize he was alone. Castiel had snuck out of his arms. He took a minute to pull his shit together and then headed downstairs in search of Cass. Dean found him sitting at the kitchen table, his head resting in his arms. At first, Dean thought he might be sleeping there. "Wine is bad," Castiel groaned a moment later. Dean chuckled, "Yeah it is. Did you throw up?" Castiel nodded again into his arms against the table, and Dean added, "You never could hold your liquor very well." "Yeah," Cass answered flatly, finally pushing himself up and rubbing his eyes. He looked exhausted. Without meeting Dean's gaze he said, "Look, I'm sorry if I said, or did anything wrong last night." "You don't remember?" Dean cocked an eyebrow. He hadn't thought Cass was that drunk. "I remember," Castiel grunted. "That's why I'm apologizing. But I I don't want to talk about it." Dean nodded. He was obviously embarrassed by the things he said and the way he acted, and avoiding it by giving a vague, noncommittal apology. "It's okay. We both just drank too much." Castiel nodded and drug himself out of the chair and toward the coffee maker. He paused as he poured his mug and without turning mumbled, "Thank you for staying and looking after me."

"Sure," Dean answered gruffly. He felt awkward. He had no idea what to say. They clearly weren't on friendly terms as Dean had hoped, but at least Castiel wasn't being actively hostile now. The problem was that Dean wasn't sure anymore what would set Cass off and he didn't want to rock the boat too much. So he just stood there silent and waited for Cass to make the next move. "I have to go open the store soon," Castiel said gazing out the kitchen window. He seemed to be daydreaming, or maybe he was just purposely avoiding look in Dean's direction. "Alright," Dean answered. "Do you do you want me to go?" He didn't want to leave. Nothing was settled between them and there had been no opportunity to talk to the man about his depression. Not unless you counted the yelling last night, and Dean didn't want to go back to the yelling. "Yeah, you should probably go. I have to get ready to go." Dean sighed. Of course, Castiel was right. He had to go to work and now wasn't the best time to open a huge can of worms that they didn't have time to deal with; but still Dean hated to leave things a mess like this. "Can I can I see you again? Maybe tonight?" Dean asked cautiously. He was terrified Castiel would say no. He had good reason to be. "I don't think that's a good idea," Castiel said over his shoulder. "But why, Cass?" Dean asked, almost whining. "I know last night didn't go so well but-" Finally Castiel turned around and looked at him, "Cuz you'll be gone in a few days. And I don't wanna open all this up again. There's just no point." "I don't have any plans to leave!" Dean barked instantly, without even thinking first. "Really?" Castiel asked sternly with accusation in his eyes, "Do you have any plans to stay?" "I don't-" Dean stammered. "I don't know. Okay? I don't really know what's going on here." "Well that makes two of us," Castiel snorted and dumped his coffee back into the sink. He started past Dean to head upstairs but Dean grabbed his arm. "Cass," Dean whispered. "Why are you here, Dean?" Castiel stared hard at him. "What made you come back after all these years?" For you, for you, came back for you, he thought. But the only answer he could give Cass was, "You wouldn't believe me if I told you." "Well you're right about that. There's probably not much I would believe out of you anymore," Cass said coldly.

"That's not fair!" Dean yelped. "You know I'm not the only one responsible for the way things ended! I'm not the only one who broke promises!" It was technically true, but as he had reminded himself time and time again, he was the one who had made the wrong choice. He was the one who put Castiel in an impossible position. Could Dean blame him for the decision he'd made? No, of course not. If he did it would make him the biggest hypocrite in the world. But it had still hurt Dean deeply, as much as Dean's leaving had undoubtedly hurt Castiel. Now was not the time for that argument though. This had stopped being about them the moment Dean realized that the man he still loved was in trouble. Now his purpose was helping Cass. "Look, let's just not do this, okay?" Dean pleaded with him. "I'm here now. And I'm not going anywhere for a while. I just want to help, Castiel. I still care about you. I always have and if you're going through a hard time I want to help. Please let me help you." Castiel's face softened a little. Gone was the steely glare and in its place was a somewhat frightened and uncertain expression. "I'm not sure that you can. Not sure anyone can." The words were like a knife through Dean's heart. He couldn't bear to see Cass so hopeless and lost. "Look I gotta go to work okay?" Castiel said, trying to pull from Dean's grasp. Dean let him go reluctantly but insisted, "We'll talk later." "Dean-" Castiel sighed. "We'll talk later," Dean repeated and his tone brooked no refusal. Eventually Castiel nodded before turning and heading upstairs to get ready for work. .. Thirteen Years Ago On his eighteenth birthday Dean woke up feeling like shit. By all rights he should feel great. Thanks to Castiel's tutoring he was managing to get through high school without too much trouble and would be graduating on time with his class in a few months. John was back to drinking again, but much to Dean's relief he seemed to have turned into a mellower drunk. He'd taken Deacon's warnings a couple years back to heart and managed to get a hold of his anger at least, even though he couldn't leave the bottle alone for good. And then of course, Dean had Cass. What else could any man need besides someone as caring and good as Castiel to love them? Unfortunately it was Cass that was Dean's current problem. Well kind of. The actual problem is that for years he and Castiel had planned in great detail their plans to run away together after graduation and now Dean just couldn't follow through on that dream. At least not yet. He'd always figured that by this time Sam wouldn't need him so much; but Sam was having trouble fitting in in middle school. He was small for his age, a lot like Castiel had been, and the kids were picking on him. Plus, Sammy just wasn't as independent as Dean had been at that age; probably because Dean had always made sure he didn't have to be. He'd been the father to Sam that John had never been to Dean,

meaning there wasn't a reason for Sam to grow up sooner than necessary. So Sammy wasn't the 13 year old that Dean had been he was a normal 13 year old. And he still needed his big brother. That meant that Cass would have to go off to college without Dean. It meant they would have to spend the next couple of years settling for visits and phone calls and letters instead of setting up house as they'd planned. The thought of Cass so far away made Dean ache right down to his bones and even feel jealous of the guys Castiel would be hanging out with every day. What if they tried something? What if some brainy, suave bastard at that fancy fucking college tried to move in on his Cass? Also, the thought of being stuck in this goddamn, dead end town for even one minute without Cass made Dean want to puke. There was nothing for it though. Sam needed him. Hell, John needed him. Cuz the man still had trouble making the rent and Dean had moved past anger at his father to kind of pitying him. He had to take care of his family, just had too. So Dean had arranged a guaranteed job at the factory after graduation. He hated to leave Rufus who had always been good to him, but the factory paid a hell of a lot more and was full time work. Then he'd given Rufus his notice who accepted it understandingly. The man didn't blame him, understood his situation. After that he'd told his father he'd be staying at home and helping pay the bills. John actually seemed happy about that and to Dean's surprise, his enthusiasm was not all about help paying the bills. The man appeared to actually want him around, like he'd be lost without Dean. He probably would. He'd also told Sam who had kind of tackled him in glee over the news. So yeah, as much as Dean despised the idea of going to work in a goddamn factory while he watched Castiel ( and every other kid in town) head off to college, it was all set and Dean had filled everyone in on his plans. Everyone, that is, except Castiel. He'd put that off as long as he could. But graduation was getting closer every day and he could literally feel Castiel's enthusiasm in the air. Cass' had already started bringing up apartment hunting near Ole Miss and there was only so many ways to deflect that conversation without looking suspicious. Dean had to tell him today. And that is why he woke up feeling like shit. It was going to be a very bad day. "Hey," Castiel chirped when Dean climbed into the Mustang to go to class. Despite the fact that the other kids, even at this age, were still giving Cass shit, he'd been nothing but sunshine and smiles the last couple months. He knew it was almost over. At college he could start over with thousands of kids who weren't part of a little clique with small town prejudices. There would be plenty of people like him at college some handicapped, some gay, whatever. The point was he wouldn't be a target anymore. He'd just be one more freshman in a sea of diverse students. For that Dean was grateful, even if he wouldn't be there to see it like he planned. "Hey," Dean said quietly, trying not to telegraph his internal turmoil. "You ready for your test?" Castiel squinted at him as he pulled away from the curve. "Uh, yeah." No! Shit! I forgot the stupid English test! Dean thought. He'd been tossing and turning all night anticipating the talk they had to have and completely forgot to study. Oh well. His grades were pretty decent and one bad test wouldn't sink him, thanks to Cass' help with his schoolwork. "I was thinking this weekend we could go up to Carteret. I need to get some " "Cass we have to talk!" Dean blurted out before he knew what he was doing. Cass frowned, "What? What's wrong?"

Dean panicked. He wasn't ready to do this. Maybe later, maybe later. I'll just tell him tonight. But one look in Cass' eyes and he knew he had to do it now or he wouldn't have the nerve to try again til Cass was packing the car to leave for college.and that would have been fucked up. "Let's go up to Beauford Park," Dean suggested without directly answering his question. "What?" Cass furrowed his brow and shook his head. "Dean, we'll be late for-" "We'll skip!" Dean insisted. "We'll just skip school today okay?" "I don't-" Castiel whined. "You know I don't like to skip. Besides, you have a test!" "I'll make it up alright?" Dean whined. "Cass, please? Just this once, let's skip." Instead of answering, Castiel maneuvered the car to the side of the road and parked. Then he looked over at Dean, his face a picture of concern. "Is everything alright with your dad? Did something happen?" "What? No! I just want to be alone with you a while. I have some stuff to tell you okay? It's important!" Castiel screwed up his face uncertainly, but after seeing the serious and desperate look on Dean's face, he nodded and pulled out onto the road, headed in the direction of Beauford Park. Ten minutes later they were driving into a secluded picnic area in the heavily wooded park out by the interstate. Cass pulled up near a gazebo where he and Dean would sometimes come to be alone. It was a nice little out of the way place they'd found by necessity. They couldn't exactly 'date' in public even now and were always looking for quiet, private places to spend time together where they wouldn't have to hide the way they felt. There were a few people who knew. Deacon, Ellen, Bobby, Rufus all had let on in roundabout ways that they were aware of the relationship; and while they didn't come out with high fives, they did offer their silent, subtle support. Sammy of course knew, because on a couple of occasions he'd caught them kissing. Dean had told Chuck and Andy himself. They all accepted it without reservation for which Dean was mightily relieved. Dean figured John probably knew and probably didn't approve but he kept his mouth shut about it most likely because he didn't want to step wrong of Deacon. Other than that though, they were still kind of a secret. Dean frankly didn't give a shit who knew anymore. As of today, he was an adult and Castiel would be one next month. They could do whatever the hell they wanted and it was nobody's business they were in love. But Dean had never forgotten that lecture Ellen had given him about how he should be discrete for Cass' sake, how Cass wouldn't be able to defend himself if someone decided to hurt him. So when they felt like being romantic, holding hands and gazing at each other affectionately and kissing, they had to find secluded spots like the gazebo. They'd spent many hours out here eating burgers and laughing and just enjoying the chance to be together without the prying eyes of bigots and bullies. Today would not be that pleasant. There was a possibility that Castiel would be so hurt by Dean's betrayal that he just dumped him altogether. Dean didn't think he could live with that.

"Okay," Cass said with a shrug as he turned to Dean. "We're here. So what do you want to talk about?" Dean stared at him for a moment, completely unable to answer the question. He knew how much this was gonna hurt Castiel, because he himself had been in almost physical pain from the second he came to grips with the reality that he would have to stay behind. They hadn't been apart in almost eight years. Instead of responding, he got out of the car and started to pace. Cass quickly hopped out after him. Now the boy looked truly worried as he grabbed Dean's arm, swung him around and asked in a high, anxious voice, "What?" "I gotta " Dean started and then let out a deep, audible breath. He paused for a minute to choose his words carefully. "I know that we have plans, for after graduation, Cass but but I I can't leave Sam." The last part came out very somber and quietly, like a prayer for understanding. Castiel just stood staring at him with an unreadable expression for a long time. Dean shoved his hands in his pocket and fidgeted under the scrutiny. Finally, Castiel cocked his head and asked quietly, "So you want to stick around a while until Sam's a little older?" The question was asked with so much sincerity and gentleness, Dean thought he might cry. Castiel was not getting angry. He was not freaking out. He was actually trying to look at it through Dean's eyes and understand. Maybe crazy Anna was kind of right. Maybe Castiel was an angel. It shamed Dean really, how easy Castiel was on him. He had to admit he wasn't always so easy on Cass. He was kind of bossy and jealous and sometimes a downright jerk. Cass never held it against him though. Never. "I don't want to," Dean admitted sadly. "I want us to run off just like we planned. But I have to, Cass. Sam and and even my dad kinda need me here. Just for a little while longer. Then, then we can have everything we planned. I promise." Dean could see the sorrow and disappointment written on Castiel's face and felt tremendously guilty. He should have thought of all this years ago. He should have worked all this into their plan; but he just hadn't anticipated how things would turn out. Cass bit his lip and Dean could tell he was trying not to cry. A moment later Castiel hung his head and said with a resigned voice, "Well we'll just.work something out." Dean moved over to him and put his hands on the smaller boy's shoulders. "It'll be okay Cass. Ole Miss isn't that far away. I'll come visit every single weekend and we can write and call and-" But he sounded unconvincing even to himself. No matter how he tried to pretty this up, the separation was going to be near unbearable to both of them. "I know it's not what I promised, not what we wanted, but I I swear I'll make it work Castiel." Castiel just nodded and fell into Dean's chest. Dean wrapped one hand comfortingly around the back of his head and laid a kiss in his hair. They stayed that way a long time, silently contemplating the unfairness of their situation. They both understood that for now, no matter how much it hurt, this is the way it had to be.

When Dean would remember that discussion well over a decade later he would have to laugh at the irony of it considering the way things worked out; but there wasn't anything funny that day or the day two months later when their plans once again drastically changed. Castiel never did make it to college. . Present Day When Castiel closed the car door behind him Dean leaned into the window, arms resting against the edge, and looked at him for a moment. Castiel simply stared down at his hands on the steering wheel. Dean was trying to think of something to say the right thing for once - but nothing came to mind. When Cass started worrying his lip nervously Dean figured he should just let the guy off the hook for now. "I'll see you later tonight," he finally said and pushed away from the car. Castiel just nodded, still avoiding his eyes, and drove away. "Mmmph," he grunted as he plopped down on the front porch steps. How was he ever gonna get through to Cass if he couldn't think of anything to say? Three or four times now he'd had his chance and each time he'd blown it. What the hell? He used to spill his guts to Cass so easy; but then, back in those days Castiel hadn't looked at him with suspicion and hurt. Dean considered the shabby front porch and the neglected yard for a few minutes and it dawned on him that maybe he could help Cass in a more practical way. Cass didn't want to talk and Dean couldn't seem to come up with the right words; but there were other ways that he could show Castiel that he cared, lend the man a hand, and hopefully traverse the chasm that lie between them. He flipped out his cell phone and started dialing. .. "I don't know man," Chuck said doubtfully. "You think he'll be okay with this?" "No," Dean admitted with a frown. "But keep painting. If he's pissed I'll take the heat." "And if he's not, you'll take the credit right?" Sam asked with a smirk as he took a break from mowing the lawn to get a cold beer from the cooler. Dean smiled up at him with a devilish grin and answered, "Definitely." "Hey," Chuck piped in as he finished painting the numbers on the house. Painting the entire house was out of the question of course. Dean would do it himself if he could but there just wasn't time. "Why are me and Sam doing all the dirty work here anyway? You haven't even broken a sweat!" "Dude, I been cleaning the whole house! Place is a wreck. The laundry alone!" Dean barked defensively. "Really?" Sam asked with concern. "The inside's bad too?"

Dean shrugged, "The upstairs anyway. His room, bathroom, the spare room, the office. You know, stuff people can't see." "That's not like Cass at all," the younger Winchester pointed out. "Yeah I know." Chuck took a break as well and Sam handed him a beer. Shaking his head he said, "You know for a while I thought maybe he was sick. Like physically or something. Cuz he always seemed so tired didn't have the energy to do anything, didn't want to get out of bed. But Ellen said he'd had two separate physicals just to be sure and both doctors said the same thing. Major depression." "Ever since Deacon died?" Dean squinted at him. "Yeah," Chuck confirmed. "The first few days, he didn't even talk. I mean it. He did not say one. single. word. The paramedics wanted to take him to the hospitalthought he was having some kind of break down. But Ellen wouldn't-" "Waitparamedics?" Dean yelped. "He needed paramedics?" "What?" Chuck bitchfaced at him. "No. I mean the ohhhhh you don't know how it happened?" "No!" Dean said and glanced at Sam who just looked down at his feet somberly. He demanded, "What happened?" Chuck sighed, "Oh man. I don't want to tell you. It'll just upset " "Dammit Chuck what happened!" Chuck clenched his jaw for a minute and then looked to Sam for guidance. Sam gave a discrete, solemn nod. So Chuck turned back to Dean with a sigh and spilled his guts. "Cass was there when he died. See Ellen had gone shopping and Cass brought Deacon some breakfast. Deacon hadn't been feeling well for a few days. I mean nobody suspected he was sick sick. He just thought he had a touch of the flu you know? Feeling run down. So Cass came over to bring him breakfast and they were just sitting in the kitchen talking and well, you know..bam. Massive heart attack. And it was Cass that had to do CPR and call 911 and by the time the EMTs got there Deacon was gone and they found Castiel sitting on the floor next to him, holding his hand and just kind of .shaking." "Jesus," Dean choked out. No one had told him that Castiel had been there when it happened all alone, probably terrified, trying to save- ah, Jesus. No wonder he was so goddamn traumatized. Deacon had always been the rock in Castiel's difficult roller coaster of a life. Even when Dean had gone Deacon was still there comforting, steadying, looking out for him. It was bad enough the sheriff had died so suddenly, but the fact that Cass had to sit there and watch it, desperately trying to save him well of course that had fucked him up. "So," Chuck continued gently. "He went into some kind of shock. He wouldn't speak or eat or anythingjust kinda checked out for a few days. The rest of us kept trying to get him to the hospital but Ellen put her foot down and said leave him alone."

"She didn't want him being hospitalized because of Anna, Chuck," Sam pointed out. "Talk about traumatic. Having a crazy, institutionalized mother your whole life and then having your friends come try to check you in for being crazy too?" "We were only trying to help," Chuck insisted. "I know," Sam nodded sympathetically. "But Ellen was right. It would have been the worst possible thing for him at the time." "I don't know," Chuck shrugged. "Didn't seem to turn out so great for him anyway did it? He's practically a hermit now. I'm surprised he even goes down to the store anymore. Now with him hiring on help I doubt even that will last long." "It'll be alright. He'll be fine," Dean declared confidently. Chuck looked doubtful which kind of pissed Dean off. Chuck should have more faith in Castiel dammit. "Look, I'll fix it alright? I'll take care of it." "Dean-" Sam started gently. "No!," Dean cut him off. "Now look Sam, I know I haven't exactly been the go to guy the last few years but I'm here now and I'll take care of him. It'll be fine!" "For how long?" Chuck asked flatly. "What?" Dean frowned. Chuck shook his head and shot him a frustrated look, "For how long are you gonna be around, Dean? Because if you think you can just blow into town after ten years and fuck him better and then take off again well you're wrong!" "Jesus, Chuck," Sam winced. "Take it easy." "Take it easy? Are you serious?" Chuck snapped at him. "Sam you were here. You saw what Castiel went through the first time your brother left. You think he can handle that again in the shape he's in?" "I'm not leaving him!" Dean jumped up and glared at Chuck. "And it's none of your goddamn business." "He's my friend, Deanand was before he even met you. So yeah, it is my business," Chuck answered stubbornly, refusing to back down. Dean looked away. Okay, point taken. Chuck had always been a loyal friend to Castiel even before Dean had ever laid eyes on the boy and long after Dean was gone. Now he was worried about Cass and distrusting of Dean and he'd earned the right to both of those feelings. Dean bit his lip and in a conciliatory, gentle tone he offered, "I know. You're right. I made a lot of mistakes. But I swear to God I'm not gonna abandon him again."

"Well you better not," Chuck said plainly. "Cuz this time Deacon's not around to pick up the pieces." Late that afternoon, once they'd finished getting the house and yard spruced up, Dean went downtown and picked up some reheatable take out from the Italian restaurant. According to Chuck, Castiel usually finished up at the store around 5:00 pm, leaving his employees to close it later in the evening. Dean wanted to make sure that everything was perfect by the time Cass got home. By a quarter to six, Dean had the table set, dinner ready, and even Smokey Robinson (Cass' favorite) playing on the stereo. He briefly considered dimming the lights and lighting candles but that might make this all seem like a big seduction ploy instead of an honest gesture of real caring. Dean wanted to sleep with Castiel, of course; but more than that he wanted Castiel to be happy and have what he wanted. Strange how Dean had done a 180 in the last few days. Suddenly all he cared about was what someone else needed, what someone else wanted. In all those years he'd spent on the road, he hadn't given two shits about anyone else. He'd been monumentally self involved walking off of jobs, walking out on people, running out on his bills, moving on, moving on concerned only with his own survival and preservation. He couldn't pinpoint exactly when he'd become such a self centered, irresponsible prick. He only knew that he had. But he also realized that now that he was back, even with the strain between them, Cass was bringing out the best in him. Dean had always felt better about himself in Castiel and Sam's presence, because with them around he had a purpose besides his own base instincts. He could protect, and love, and dote on them instead of just spending his hours wondering if noon was too early to have a drink or just how long he had to pretend to like some dude before he could hit it and run. For the last few days, Dean had begun to feel like his old self like a stand up guy, like a man; and that was all because he'd finally bit the bullet and come back here to face his past and the people he loved. Maybe Pam had been right. Maybe Castiel was saving him after all. For the time being, however, it was Castiel's salvation that was Dean's priority. When he heard the Mustang pull up, Dean went to the bathroom and quickly checked his appearance one last time. He'd showered and put on a change of clean clothes Sam had brought him after a long hard day of work. Dean wanted everything perfect for Cass including himself. As he made his way back up to the front he heard the door open and Cass call out a little hesitantly, "Dean?" "Yeah," Dean answered with a broad grin as he emerged into the foyer. Castiel looked at him wide eyed for a moment and then motioned back to the door through which he came, "Did you do all that?" Dean shrugged a little and admitted, "Sam and Chuck helped. "

"And you-" then Cass paused as he cast his eyes toward the dining room and saw dinner waiting. His eyes got even bigger, which Dean would have thought impossible. "You made dinner too?" "Well, ordered in," Dean answered honestly. "I did do all your laundry and clean the upstairs by myself though." Cass frowned at him in disbelief, "You did my laundry?" Dean nodded. He hoped that was okay, that he wasn't crossing any boundaries by rifling around up there. It's not something he considered before but maybe that was too personal a thing to do given their current terms. His fears were eased when Castiel broke into a shy but grateful grin and said quietly, "Thank you." Dean blushed and answered simply, "You're welcome." They stood there fidgeting a minute until Dean broke the silence. "Well come on, let's eat!" "Sounds good. I'm starving," Castiel admitted as Dean ushered him in toward the table. Thirteen Years Ago Dean pulled up to the farm around 8:30. He was running late. He had to work over and insisted on going home to shower before he showed up at Cass'. He always liked to look good for Castiel even if they had been going together since puberty. But he was supposed to pick Cass up over an hour ago and the guy was probably gonna be pissed he was that late. Dean had promised to help him work on his speech for graduation. Castiel was terrified when he'd learned he was valedictorian and had to speak at the ceremony in a few weeks. "Why didn't I just flunk the last test so Cathy Wright could be valedictorian?" he'd said as he paced and wrung his hands while Dean lazed on the bed grinning at Cass' inherent cuteness. "Come on, babe. It'll be fine. I'll help you," Dean had assured him. But here he was dragging in an hour late when he'd promised they'd work on it tonight. He hoped Cass would understand. As Dean took the front steps two at a time the screen door swung open to greet him. It wasn't Cass though, it was Deacon and he was wearing a grim, worried expression. "Come on in, Dean." Dean's heart skipped a beat, "What's wrong? Where's Cass?" The sheriff just shook his head and sighed, "Up in his room. He's fine. I guess." "You guess?" Dean's eyebrows rose. "What does that mean? What happened?" "I think he'd rather tell you himself," Deacon answered and Dean noted that his voice was sad and resigned.

Dean brushed past Deacon and then Ellen, who was wearing an equally concerned expression, then bolted up the stairs to Castiel's room. He barged in without bothering to knock and demanded, "Cass, what's wrong?" Castiel looked confused, "What do you mean?" Dean froze. Cass seemed fine. Everything seemed fine. What's the big deal? "Oh," Castiel grimaced. "You talked to Deacon." AHA! Everything is not fine! Dean swung the door shut behind him, crossed his arms and waited. "It's not a big deal," Castiel added. But the whiney, defensive tone of his voice and the way he shrugged half heartedly and turned away let Dean know that it was in fact a big deal and that he would definitely not like it. "Cass, what's not a big deal?" Dean demanded. "He didn't-" "He told me I should talk to you about it. So talk." "Can we uhm-" Castiel paused and looked at him shyly. "Let's go take a drive." But Dean knew that ploy. If they went for a drive they'd wind up parked out under the trees up at Waycross necking. Then Dean would forget the question, because when they were fooling around he forgot everything including his own name. Castiel knew that too. This was a way of getting out of telling Dean what was up. "Not until you tell me what's wrong," Dean said firmly. Cass bit his lip and sighed. Dean was giving him the no-nonsense 'I'm the boss of you' look and there was never a way to get around that. "I decided to postpone college for a while." "What?" Dean shouted. "No you are not! You are-" "You're not my dad!" Cass huffed. "I can do what I want!" Dean closed his eyes, took a breath and counted to ten. Then, trying his best to control his temper he ground out, "Baby, I know you're disappointed I can't come with you right now but " Castiel whipped around and glared at him, "It's not about you." Dean was not deterred, however. "Cassie, come on." His boyfriend shot him a sheepish look, "Okay maybe part of it is about you.but I just.I wanna spend some time with my mom." "Ohhhhh," Dean breathed out. That was not what Dean wanted to hear. In fact, that was the very last thing he wanted to hear. He knew where that was headed.

Anna had recently been released from the hospital. Her medications had gotten her stable and she'd been taking a lot of independent living courses at the hospital. The doctors seemed sure she could manage on her own provided she had hired help to look after her and help her run errands. The trust Max had set up for her had purchased a nice little two story house on the other end of town for her to live in and had signed her up for a home rehab tech and even hired her a housekeeper. It should be a good thing, but Dean remembered just how fucking crazy Anna could get if she forgot her meds even one time. Jesus, she'd nearly killed herself, her dad and her son by accident not to mention how it was just plain painful to watch when she got batty. Especially for Cass. He'd already seen way more of his mother's insanity than he ever should have had too. Plus he had this tendency to get enmeshed in her drama, wrapped up in some need to parent her. It was not healthy. "You can come home on holidays to visit her!" Dean barked after a minute. "No, now dammit," Cass insisted and now he was the one with the no-nonsense 'you are not the boss of me' voice. "She's my mom! I want to spend time with her. College can wait a little while." "You'll have all summer with her!" "She's been in a hospital for five years Dean! And Grandpa is dead! She just needs some family around to help her get on her feet for a while! " Castiel shouted. "It's just a year!" "A year? A year? Cass, you have to go to school! You can't just drop all your plans and your future because of your family!" "You did!" Castiel shouted with so much frustrated, hurt accusation in his voice it made Dean wince. But it wasn't the same thing. It wasn't! "Sammy's just a kid!" Dean pointed out. He wasn't backing down on this. Cass was too smart and too special to just push all his own hopes and prospects aside. "And my mom is just as helpless as Sam!" "That's exactly my point Cass. You're gonna get sucked in and unlike Sam she won't ever grow " "I'm moving in with her and that's final!" Castiel was shrieking now and Dean was a little surprised Deacon and Ellen weren't busting down the door but then they had already known what was coming so they probably expected a lot of yelling. Waitdid he just say moving in? MOVING IN? "You're gonna live with her?" Dean asked incredulously. No, no, no, no, no. Last time he did that he almost died. He almost burned to death. "She needs me! She's my mom!" Castiel yelled. "You should understand!" Dean was fuming now, but he knew his rage was coming from fear. He was scared for Castiel. Moving in to play nursemaid to his crazy ass mother could have horrible consequences for the boy. Hell it already was. Castiel had gotten a full fucking ride to Ole Misssomething anybody would

kill forand he wanted it. Dean knew how bad he wanted it to get away, to start over, and for once in his whole life to not be the town misfit. Dean wasn't giving anything up by staying. Okay, yeahhe was giving up spending time with Cass and that fucking hurt. But he had no intention of actually giving Cass up. They just had to have a long distance relationship for a while, then Dean would join him and they would live happily ever after. Castiel was really the only future Dean had planned. He'd be a blue collar guy his whole life and that was fine. Cass, though, Cass deserved better for himself. What Dean's boyfriend was talking about was giving up his scholarship, his education, and his chance to be free from the constant torment he received in this town. Plus Anna, God bless her heart, was just plain dangerous to live with. She'd proved that once and he couldn't bear the thought of reliving that horrible afternoon again. This was all too much for Dean to swallow. So the screaming continuedand continued.and then went on some more. There was a brief pause when Ellen politely knocked on the door to let the two of them know she and Deacon were going out. Castiel tried to control his voice when he answered, "Okay." Then two seconds later the front door shut and the maelstrom recommenced. Half an hour of arguing later and Dean was hoarse but he wasn't going to give up. He was not backing down until Castiel agreed to leave for college like he planned, like he wanted. Except that's not what happened. If anyone had told Dean that was the night he'd lose his virginity he would have laughed at them. He'd been begging Cass for it for weeks and hadn't been getting anywhere. It was getting a little exasperating actually, since he was probably (aside from Cass) the last virgin in town. Hell, even Chuck had managed to lose it. It wasn't that Dean didn't have options. He was good looking and since the other kids didn't know about him and Cass, there were plenty of girls offering it; but he wasn't interested in them or even in the occasional, if subtle, offer from another male. He was waiting for Cass. Only Cass would do; but Castiel had never been ready and kept putting Dean off, which had meant a ton of frustration and cold showers. He tried not to push too hard but it was getting difficult, especially since their time together was running short. He'd hoped (prayed, wished, fantasized, begged) that before his boyfriend left for college at least they could consummate the love they felt; but he was really not expecting it to be this night. Particularly since the evening started out in the ugliest, worst fight they had ever had. And yet that's exactly what happened. Somehow they went from shrieking at each other to.. kissing.alot. Then there was some groping and petting and hot, whispered words. And then suddenly (and Dean could never quite remember how that part happened).they were naked.

Thirteen Years Ago Oh my God, finally, was the only thing going through Dean's head as they lay naked together on the bed. He was kissing Cass for all he was worth while simultaneously trying to keep his weight off the boy's bad hip. It felt great. It felt amazing. But what the hell was he supposed to do next? As much as Dean had fantasized about this moment, now that it had come he wasn't sure what to do with it. How did they start? How did they get from the awesome naked kissing to the awesome naked everything else? How did he segue into something even more intimate without it getting all awkward and embarrassing? At one point he became aware of a movement beneath him, near his waist. At first he thought Cass was trying to make the first move, trying to touch him. That idea sent shockwaves of excitement through Dean's body, but when he looked down to watch he realized Cass wasn't trying to touch him at all. In fact, he was tugging nervously at the sheet, trying to pull it over himself and Dean couldn't understandOh. Dean froze. Castiel was desperately trying to cover up his bad leg so Dean wouldn't see it. It was the first time Dean realized that he had never actually seen Castiel's leg. Heck, Cass didn't even like walking around in front of him without a shirt. That's how shy he was. The leg of course, would be particularly embarrassing for him. So Dean stilled for a moment as Castiel kept trying to yank out the sheet that was stuck halfway beneath them. After a moment of watching the boy struggle, Dean reached down and grabbed his hand, "Cass don't." When he looked back up into Castiel's eyes he saw nothing but anxiety. Dean let go of his hand and reached up to stroke his face. Looking deeply into Castiel's eyes he said tenderly, "You don't have to do that. There's nothing to be ashamed of." "It's ugly," Cass whispered. "I'm ugly." His wavering voice caused Dean's chest to constrict and he rushed to reassure his love, "You are not. You're perfect. You're so fucking perfect Cass." Cass bit his lip and shook his head and when Dean sat back and pulled the little bit of sheet Cass had managed to pull over himself away, he bolted upright. "Don't, Dean. Please." "I wanna see," Dean said quietly, nuzzling at Castiel's cheek. "Please, just let me look okay?" Cass gaped at him fearfully for a moment, then hung his head and nodded meekly. Dean laid a kiss on his forehead and pulled the sheet away so that now Castiel was completely bare before him. Dean sat back on his heels and took a good, long look. He'd kind of expected Castiel's leg to be far more deformed than it was. Actually it looked alright, except for the weird way the whole thing turned inward instead of toward the front. It was the scars, though, the countless scars from so many painful surgeries that stood out. They weren't gruesome; but they were reminders of the agonizing physical therapy Cass had to endure after each of those operations. Dean remembered those never

ending weeks. Mostly he remembered how Castiel, no matter how much he was hurting, carried on with dignity and without complaint. Then Dean's eyes traveled over the rest of Castiel's body - all perfect lines and smooth skin and wow - the guy was even better hung than Dean. He really was beautiful, and if it hadn't been for the imperfect leg he'd look surreal in his perfection, like he'd been carved out of marble. Dean longed to run his hands over all those taut muscles and all that firm skin. Finally, Dean's eyes traveled up to Castiel's sweet face. He was still looking down and away. Dean moved closer and nudged at his chin. When Castiel looked up to meet his eyes, Dean stared intently into them dipping his head just so to make clear his conviction, "You're beautiful. Your leg I know it's caused you a lot of trouble. But, you know if it weren't like that you wouldn't.well you just wouldn't be my Cass. And I like you the way you are so I love your bum leg." Then to illustrate Dean backed away and lowered himself down slowly. Then he laid a reverent kiss on Castiel's scarred thigh. As he did heard Castiel's strangled, aroused gasp, "Dean!" When he looked up he saw his boyfriend gaping at him in what could only be called worship. A flood of love and need shot through Dean's veins and he got up and pushed Cass back onto the pillows. Castiel didn't resist in the least. In fact, he was clinging to Dean like his life depending on it and kissing him with more heat and raw passion than Dean ever guessed he had. And finally Dean could run his hands all over Castiel's body. For long minutes that's all they did - caressing, teasing, kissing, and foreplay. Then when Cass whispered against Dean's ear that he'd 'bought some stuff just in case' Dean shuddered with excitement. For a couple minutes there was just fumbling and preparation and finding the right position that wouldn't hurt Cass' leg too much. And then they finally, after so many years of waiting, they made love. From the instant he sunk in to Castiel, Dean felt every nerve ending in his body stand on end; and all he could think was, Yes. Just like this. Forever. Forever lasted exactly seventeen seconds. And they were the best seventeen seconds of Dean's whole freaking life. "Oh my God," Dean groaned as he came hard less than a minute after they started. He couldn't help it. He'd never expected Cass to feel that good. Besides, he was a virgin so yeah, it was a little embarrassing but understandable. Anyway, Dean would worry about that later. Now all he could focus on was CassCassCassCassCass as he floated in a blissful fog. Slowly he came to his senses and realized Castiel was fidgeting underneath him. Dean's eyes fluttered open and he saw Cass staring up at him with a wide-eyed stunned look. Somehow Dean got the feeling this first experience was a little different on Castiel's end of things. He also realized his boyfriend hadn't got off yet, his impressive erection still poking into Dean's stomach. Well that wouldn't do. Dean kissed Cass hard until the boy was breathless, trying to convey how in love he was. Then he carefully slid out and started working his mouth down Cass' body, running his tongue over Castiel's nipples, chest, stomach, then slowly down to his cock. By the time he got there Cass was panting

and when Dean took him in his mouth Cass gasped and nearly shot up off the bed. Placing a firm hand on Castiel's good hip to keep him in place, Dean went to work. Once again he had no idea what he was doing but it didn't seem to matter. It was working, if the moans and whimpers coming out of his boyfriend's mouth were any indication. And 'forever' for Cass only lasted about fourteen seconds, so Dean felt somewhat vindicated even as he was coughing his guts out when Cass' orgasm took him unprepared. That was a lesson he swore to remember. Afterwards, as his boyfriend tried to catch his breath, Dean laid his head against Castiel's stomach to rest. Cass reached down and started petting his head and Dean wanted to stay that way all night. Unfortunately, they couldn't. They might be eighteen and technically adults, but they both still lived at home by someone else's rules and sleepovers at this age were kind of out of the question. After a while, Dean crawled back up the bed and kissed Cass one more time. Gazing into his huge blue eyes, Dean whispered, "I love you so much baby." Castiel gave him a sleepy smile and answered, "I love you too." "You okay?" Dean asked, brushing the hair from his forehead. Castiel answered the question with a content nod and then added, "Wish you could stay all night." "Me too," Dean smirked. "Someday, though. Soon." "Yeah." Half an hour of cuddling later and they had to get up and dress. Deacon and Ellen had only gone out for dinner and would be home soon. While Dean could stick around even with them in the house, it didn't seem wise. If they saw him and Cass grinning goofily and guiltily at each other what they had done would be obvious; and it's just not something they wanted to share with anyone else. Just like everything else between them, this was a secret too. It was special. It was theirs. It was hard to say goodnight, though. They clung to each other possessively by Dean's car for a long time until it was getting too late to be safe. "Well I guess I gotta go," Dean whispered against his ear. "Yeah," Cass responded quietly. "Guess so." Then Cass pulled back with a grin and Dean cocked his head, "What?" "We forgot to work on my speech." Dean chuckled and squeezed his hand, "Yeah we did. We'll do it tomorrow." "Okay," Castiel agreed but then a shadow of uncertainty crossed his face. "You still mad at meabout you knowmy mom and all?"

Dean swallowed hard and considered it for a moment. Finally he sighed, "No baby. It'll be okay. If this is what you want then we'll just work it out and it'll be fine." "Yeah and besides," Cass rushed to point out. "we can spend more time together and all. Then when Sam's older we can leave together just like we planned and then I can go to college." Dean raised an eyebrow and asked gruffly, "You swear?" "I swear," Castiel vowed solemnly. One final kiss and a few more whispered endearments and Dean pulled out of the driveway. As he drove toward home he felt like he was ten feet tall. Cass was his now, officially and for all time. And so what if the kid didn't want to go to school right away? He could still gojust later. With Dean. Which was now starting to sound like a very good plan because after tonight Dean didn't think he could let Cass go at the end of summer. The Anna thing would work out too. Castiel was older now, capable of taking care of himself; and as always Dean would be there to look after him. Yes, everything was fine. Better than fine, actually. Everything was perfect because now Cass belonged to Dean in every sense and when they left this two bit town it would be together after all. . Present Day Dinner went pretty good in Dean's opinion. Castiel still seemed a little closed off but at least the man was trying. He seemed genuinely touched by all the trouble Dean had gone to for him and was obviously making an effort to repay Dean with a better attitude. They talked about Cass' store, and his employees, and how his day had gone. Cass recounted a few tidbits from the day and then complimented Dean on his choice of dinner. Turned out that particular restaurant was Cass' favorite. Score. After they had moved into the den to have coffee, Castiel loosened up a bit more. He started with an apology a real one this time. "I'm sorry last night turned out so." "Fucked up?" Dean smirked. Castiel smiled sheepishly, "Yeah. I acted like an ass. But I really wasn't trying to, Dean. I didn't invite you over here just so I could mess with your head. I just I've been kind of moody lately don't always have the best control of myself." Dean swallowed hard. This was his chance to get at the heart of the matter. He just had to be cautious about it. Gently he asked, "Do you want to talk about that?" Cass fidgeted a little in his chair and Dean could tell he was considering it. He held his breath waiting for the verdict. But then Cass sighed and shook his head and Dean felt like they'd just taken two steps back. It was frustrating. He could tell Cass wanted to open up to him, but for some reason he was holding back. Probably because he didn't know if he could rely on Dean anymore. That was

okay. Dean could wait. In the meantime, he would do whatever was necessary for as long as necessary to prove to Cass that he could trust him again just like when they were young. "It's okay," Dean reassured him. "When you're ready." That earned him a suspicious, irritated look. Castiel snapped at him, "What does that mean? You sound like a goddamn shrink or something. It's not really your business you know!" "I'm just trying to- I'm just saying- uh-uh," Dean stammered. "Sorry. I shouldn't have " Cass cut him off with a remorseful look. "I I don't mean to bark at you like that. After all you did for me today. I don't know what's wrong with me." "S'alright, Cass," Dean nodded. "You don't know how to talk to me. Not sure how to react to me being here. I get that. I know me coming back to town is a shock." Finally, Castiel smiled a little and his posture relaxed as he answered , "Yeah." "Is it, uhm," Dean asked hesitantly. "Is it all bad.that I'm back?" The man studied him for a moment and as he did, Dean could see the fear in Castiel's eyes battling with an older, lingering affection. And when Dean heard Cass quietly admit, "No, not all bad" he knew Castiel meant it. What Dean was coming to understand was that his sudden appearance was just one more upheaval in Cass' already rocky mental state. So he vowed to himself that when Cass got snippy with him he would just let it roll of his back. Yeah, it hurt; but Cass couldn't help it and Dean couldn't hold that against him. He didn't want to make things worse. He wanted to be a soothing, calming presence for Castiel. Snapping back would not accomplish that. "So do you, uh are you enjoying spending time with Sam?" Castiel abruptly changed the subject. "Yeah," Dean nodded enthusiastically. "I didn't know how much I missed the kid til I got back, you know?" Dean saw a flash of some unnamable emotion in Castiel's eyes, but just as quickly it was gone. Cass simply nodded and then they sat quietly a few minutes more. Finally Dean decided to tackle a more delicate subject. "Cass, I don't want to upset you. I swear. But can I explain why I didn't come back for the funeral? I know you're pissed about it and I don't really have an excuse but I'd just like to explain myself if that's okay. " Castiel frowned at him for a minute and then let out a deep breath and said, "Okay." Dean took a minute to compose himself. He did not want to break down in the middle of his explanation but he was afraid that's exactly what happened. Castiel waited patiently as Dean took a few deep breaths and found the right words. "You see," he started with a shrug. "Deacon was like well he was all about doing the right thing and being a man and just well he was noble."

"Yes he was," Castiel confirmed and Dean nodded. Now came the hard part. He had to admit some things he was ashamed of, some things he really didn't want Cass to know. "After I left, uhm well since I've been gone I haven't been such a great person. I well basically," Dean gulped. "I've been a complete loser." Castiel narrowed his eyes, "But you got out. Just like you wanted. " "Yeah well, that didn't work out like I'd planned. I haven't been off having great adventures or anything. I've been living from paycheck to paycheck, moving from town to town, just surviving and using people and ..drinking." "Drinking?" Cass seemed surprised. "Yeah," Dean flushed. "Drinking. Just like my dad. Well not just like him. I'm not that bad yet but.well.yeahI'm just a no account bum." To Dean's dismay Castiel did not argue with that; but then really how could Dean expect him too considering. So he ignored the sudden twisting in his gut and pressed on, "Deacon would have been ashamed of me if he could see what I became. It wouldn't have been right for me to stand at his grave in the state I was in. It would've been a slap in the face to the man's memory. I just I wasn't worthy. " "Oh." "So I just thought it was more respectful to stay away than to show up. At least that's how I felt at the time. Can you understand that?" Dean asked gently. "But," Castiel's lip trembled just the slightest bit as he whispered, "I needed you there." Dean clenched his jaw. Goddamn it now the twist in his gut had turned into a full scale tsunami of guilt and regret. Trying to choke down the urge to vomit, he choked out, "I know Cass. I'm so sorry." Castiel only shrugged sadly at him and looked away. Wistfully he said, "It's not like I actually thought you'd show up anyway. It was just a dumb wish. Doesn't matter anymore." Dean hated to see that defeated look. His Castiel was never defeated no matter how much he'd been hurt or taunted or isolated he had always, always kept trying and believing in something better. The hopeless resignation on this Castiel's face was so wrong, so out of place. Dean hated it. "It matters if it hurt you," Dean insisted firmly. "Can we talk about something else?" Cass begged. Dean sighed. Just when they were getting to the heart of things Castiel was pushing away again. Navigating Castiel's moods was exhausting. But what could he do? To push would only mean another meltdown and up to now things had been going alright. "Sure. Like what?"

"I don't know. Anything," Castiel shrugged. "Why don't you tell me about some of the places you've been." So to keep the peace that's exactly what Dean did. He glossed over the seedier bits and any mention of affairs he'd had. None of them mattered anyway. Only Castiel had ever mattered. Instead he focused on the sights he'd seen and a few funny incidents that had happened to him. Cass actually seemed to be quite interested in all of that. After all, he'd never even been across the state line. The world Dean was describing was totally foreign to him, except what he'd seen secondhand on television and movies. After a while Dean found himself enjoying spinning his tale for Cass. It felt good to get a little perspective on his time on the road to see that the last decade of his life hadn't all been a nightmarish waste of time. And Cass' earnest attention to Dean's stories brought into clear focus the other man's small town innocence. It reminded Dean of a simpler time and what a sweet soul Castiel possessed, even under all that angst. By the time Dean had run out of all the stories he had that were fit to tell, it was nearly eleven. Cass was starting to look sleepy, draped over the easy chair and watching Dean intently, his head resting on one hand. All relaxed and lazy like that he reminded Dean of the many nights they'd lain in bed as Dean watched him drift asleep in his arms. The sudden urge to go over and kiss him was almost overwhelming. Instead he got to his feet and said gruffly, "It's getting late." "Yeah," Cass nodded and yawned, then he too rose and began ushering Dean to the hall. Once they got there it got awkward for a moment. They stood by the door and gazed at each other uncertainly as Castiel's offer from last night echoed through Dean's head. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore so he decided to take a risk. Leaning in slowly to make his intent clear, he kissed Castiel gently. There were no tongues, no teeth, nothing like that just a long, sweet kiss loaded with meaning. It was an offer really to let Cass know whatever he wanted was okay with Dean. When he pulled back, Cass was looking up shyly at him. He didn't seem angered or shocked, just a little lost for what to do. So Dean took the initiative once again and asked, "Do you want me to go?" "I don't I don't know what I want," Castiel stammered. Dean nodded. That's kind of what he'd expected. So he answered gently, "Then I better go." But as he turned to grab the doorknob he felt a hand on his shoulder. Then Cass said earnestly, "No. Don't go. I- I-" Dean pivoted around and tilted his head, "It's okay Cass. Just tell me what to do here. Either way it's okay. Whatever you want." "Stay."

Present Day Dean followed Castiel slowly up the darkened stairs into the bedroom with his heart pounding so hard it hurt. He tried not to appear too eager for fear of throwing Cass off but it was hard. Hard being the operative word. By the time they walked into the moonlit bedroom he had an erection so rigid it was painful against the hem of his jeans. That would not be a problem for long if he played his cards right. In the meantime he had to be cool. Castiel still seemed a bit uncertain without wine easing the way and Dean didn't want to spook him. Cass stopped short in front of the bed nearly causing Dean to run right into him. Then for a moment there was nothing. Dean stood there waiting as Castiel just stared at his bed. He began to worry Cass had changed his mind but then the man glanced over his shoulder and said hesitantly, "Like I said, it's been a while." Dean gulped and tried to maintain a casual voice while stepping forward and wrapping one arm loosely around Castiel's hip as he responded, "I know. It's okay." "No, like a really long time, Dean," Castiel whispered. Good, Dean thought. He didn't like to think of his Cass with anyone else. That would probably not be the right thing to say however, so instead he asked, "How long?" "Like," Castiel began sheepishly, still not turning to face him. "Three years. Maybe a little more." Dean was shocked. Yeah, he knew what Cass had said but three years? Three years with no action? Dean would probably die if he didn't get any for three years. "Really?" Castiel shrugged and said defensively, "Well it's not like it's San Francisco or anything. It's a really small town you know? There's not many and anyone who is doesn't really say-" Dean could feel him tense in embarrassment beneath his arm as he continued explaining, "Sometimes, I go over to Carteret on business and a few times I tried the clubs up there, but I don't know. All the men there were so suave and polished and you know hip whatever. And I'm not. I'm just me. So I didn't fit in and no one was really interested so-" "Hey," Dean soothed. "Who needs those guys anyway, huh? Screw being fashionable or whatever, you know? You're too good for 'em anyway." At that Castiel finally turned in his arms and squinted at him, as though he was trying to gauge Dean's sincerity. Dean took the opportunity to lean in and brush their lips together. But as he pulled back he heard Castiel ask under his breath in a slightly agitated voice, "Then why'd -." Dean braced himself for another attack but to his surprise Cass just stopped and shook his head. "What?" "Nothing," Castiel answered and forced a smile as he motioned to the bed. "Let's just-"

Dean bit his lip. He was starting to get a bad feeling about this that had nothing to do with the serious chafing going on below his belt. His instincts said not to go through with this, that it would only make things worse. His heart and his body on the other hand, were once again screaming at him to go for it. And this time they won. Dean just couldn't say no again. Cass had been soused the night before and it would have been taking advantage. Now, Castiel knew exactly what he was doing and was staring expectantly up at Dean with those enticing bedroom eyes. After that, there wasn't much time for second guessing. Cass was kissing him again and they were undressing and all coherent thought eluded him. It should have been awkward, this first time after almost a decade apart, but it wasn't. Dean's body remembered everything how to position Cass on his side just so for his comfort, exactly where to place the pillow under his bad hip to give him support, the delicate way Castiel liked to be touched and kissed, and every single inch of the man's body. When Dean entered him a few moments later his head began to spin. Yes. Just like this. Forever. It didn't last forever but it did go on for a very long time, as long as Dean could manage it. He laid sweet, lingering kisses along Castiel's shoulder and neck as he thrust gently into him, taking his time, keeping it tender. He held back his orgasm as long as he could; and even when he finally had to release he wasn't ready for this perfect, long forgotten intimacy to end. So he took his time and slowly, teasingly stroked Castiel to his own climax until the man was practically swearing at him in frustration to get him off. Afterwards, Dean lounged on his side running a hand over Castiel's back while Castiel lay on his stomach next to him, his head cradled on his folded arms. As Dean studied him, he wondered how he had survived all these years without his Cass. He must be a hell of a lot better at denial than he'd given himself credit for to have pushed down all his sweet memories of this relationship for so long. It was love - the real thing. Dean couldn't believe how carelessly he'd once thrown it away. He'd never experienced anything like it since. Castiel stretched a little and let out a small sigh. Although his eyes were still closed, Dean could tell he was awake. He leaned over and laid a kiss against Castiel's stubbled cheek as he whispered, "That was amazing." Castiel only gave a small, content nod and kept his eyes shut. Dean had kinda been hoping for a little more enthusiastic agreement than that. "Hey, you alright?" Finally Castiel's eyes fluttered open. His eyes seemed a bit dull, not shining as they used to be after the two of them would make love. He looked satisfied, yeah.but not in the same dreamy, love struck way he once did. Casually he answered, "Yeah, it was really nice. Thank you." Nice? NICE? Dude, that was awesome! And thank you? What the fuck is that about? Dean thought indignantly. You thanked somebody who did you a favor.or..or performed a service for godssakes! Suddenly, he heard the echo of Castiel's words from last nightMaybe I just want you to shut up and fuck me! And now Dean recognized why he'd been hesitant earlier. This is what his gut was trying to tell him.

To Dean, this was something profound and special. He thought it meant that the two of them were finally reconnecting, that Cass was finally returning his feelings. But in reality Castiel was still hiding behind his goddamn wallsand whether Dean wanted to admit it or not.whether Castiel had even meant to or not..he'd just flat out used Dean for sex. Plain and simple. Dean felt like he'd been slapped. Instantly humiliated, he could feel the deep red blush creeping over his face. Thank God the darkness of the room hid his obvious shame. He rolled away and sat up on the side of the bed. So Cass figured this was just some quickie to cheer him up just like the mowed grass and the damn laundry. He still didn't trust Dean, still didn't want him too close. Well fine. Maybe that's what Dean deserved, but he was not going to act like some kind of lovesick little bitch even if that's exactly what he felt like. With as much casual dignity as he could feign he began pulling on his pants and mumbled, "Guess I better get going." He felt Castiel sit up behind him and answer quietly, "Okay." Okay? Jesus. That sealed it. So stupid. So stupid to think he could come here and just erase the past and have some fairy tale happy ending. Things were different now. Cass was different; and as much as Dean still loved him as much as Dean would always love him this was just too much. What pride he had left wouldn't take it. Every time he got close he was smacked away and each time that happened his stupid, treacherous heart would break a little more. He wanted to help Castiel with his problems but he couldn't do it if this was the price. Cass didn't seem to want him or his help anyway. So be it. Castiel blinked at him in the darkness as Dean stalked around collecting his clothes. He nearly laughed out loud when Cass frowned and asked, "Is everything okay?" Dean didn't answer, just kept buttoning his shirt as he ground his teeth hard enough to crack a molar. Finally, Castiel crawled to the end of the bed where Dean was standing and tugged on his shirt. "Dean?" Finally Dean managed to choke out, "What do you want me to say, Cass?" "I-" Dean could see him shake his head in bewilderment, "I don't know. I'm not sure I-" "Understand? Well of course you don't fucking understand. You've got the upper hand here don't you? The moral high ground? " Dean spat, unable to contain his anger anymore. Fuck dignity. Rage felt better. "Must be nice!" "What the hell are you talking about?" Castiel yelped. Dean gaped at him in disbelief. "I just.I just..I thought what we just.." And now he was stammering like an idiot. He had to stop. If he didn't then Cass would win this argument and there was just no way Dean could lose this one, not after having just been used like a goddamn fuck buddy. He took the deepest breath his tightening chest would allow and managed to get some semblance of control.

Glaring at Castiel in the moonlight he ground out, "I know you're fucked up. And I know that I screwed up.but I been trying like hell to set things right between us Cass. And I been trying like hell to make you feel better. And I am done getting punished for things I did ten years ago." Castiel said nothing. He didn't respond. Dean felt somewhat vindicated then in his accusation. Somewhere deep down even Cass himself realized that what he was doing was about more than just his depression. Part of his behavior was payback; and even if Castiel hadn't acknowledged it to himself before, now that Dean pointed it out there was no way to deny it. When Dean nodded at him sharply to indicate he knew exactly what Cass was thinking at that moment the man dropped his eyes and stared at his hands shamefully. So in the end Dean won after all but he had one more thing to say before he took off. "The way I left was cowardly, Castiel. And the things I said were cruel. I would take it all back if I could. But I was just a fucking kid. A lost, terrified, angry kid that made a mistake and I'm done apologizing for it. Penance is over." With that he stormed out of the bedroom, down the stairs, and out the front door. .. Nine and a Half Years Ago "Isn't that awesome baby?" Dean beamed, his eyes shining like a delighted child. "Yeah!" Castiel agreed wholeheartedly. "Wow, he's graduating a year early and he's got a full ride? I tell you, that Sammy, he's a genius." "So I guess I know two geniuses!" Dean grinned and planted a kiss on Castiel's forehead making the other young man blush. He wrapped his arm tightly around Cass' shoulder and pulled him closer as they huddled in the gazebo, enjoying the night sky. "It's hard to believe Sam's gonna be a senior this year. So weird. I remember us walking him to school when he was just in kindergarten." "Yeah," Dean said wistfully, remembering Sammy as the chubby, helpless, adorable baby he used to be. Not the freaking GIANT he'd grown into. Seriously. The kid could be a linebacker. Or a brick wall. Whichever. He'd grown into a hell of a good man though - honest, decent, and hardworking. "You must be really proud," Castiel smiled as though reading his mind. Dean nodded. He was proud. He was proud of Sam and he was proud of himself. One thing no one could ever take away from him was the fact that he had raised that kid pretty much on his own and apparently, done a damn fine job. And now Sam could take care of himself, make his own way. He was gonna have a terrific future; and soon Dean could have the future he wanted for himself as well. "Soooo," Dean grinned slyly and turned to fish something out of his pack. "I brought you some stuff." "What stuff?" Castiel cocked an eyebrow suspiciously. Dean smirked. He couldn't really blame him for being cautious. Dean made it a point to keep his boyfriend constantly surprised by his 'gifts'.

One day it would be something sappily romantic.the next it would be something kinda dirty. Castiel always blushed at the dirty ones, but Dean knew he secretly liked those too. Tonight, however, the gift was neither sappy nor pornographic. It was serious. It was time for Dean and Cass to make some plans. Castiel frowned curiously as Dean handed over the huge stack of envelopes. "Are these.college brochures?" "Yep!" Dean chirped. "Took me a couple weeks but I managed to write to every college you ever mentioned. These are all the application packages so you can start applying." "Dean," Castiel breathed out as he leafed through the huge stack of information Dean had gathered for him. Dean took the stack and laid it on the picnic table. Then he turned and grasped Castiel's hand. "You were supposed to go three years ago. Then you promised just one more year. We postponed that too. But now's the time. There's nothing holding you back anymore Cass. I can come with you now. So you apply to whichever one you want and next fall we'll go just pack up and leave like we always wanted." "Dean," was once again all Castiel could manage. He was staring at Dean wide eyed with his mouth hanging slightly open. He must be overcome with happiness, Dean thought. We're finally getting out. "I know. It's exciting isn't it? Finally." But Castiel didn't look excited. He actually looked a bit worried as he glanced over the huge stack of envelopes. Okay, maybe Dean had overdone it laying twenty different options on him. Cass had never been that great at making decisions. "Hey don't worry, babe. You don't have to decide right now. Just apply to the ones you want.or even another one I missed if you like. Or, hell, we can just head on up to Ole Miss. I'm sure they still want you," Dean assured him. "There's no right or wrong here. Just pick the one that'll make you happy." With that the boy turned to him frowning slightly. Cautiously he began, "Dean, I need to talk to-" But Dean interrupted by pulling Castiel in and kissing him hard. At first Cass stayed frozen but soon melted into the embrace and Dean could feel the heat rising between them. At least until they heard a rustling and then crashing in the bushes behind them. Then the distinct sound of a giggling young woman. Panicked, Castiel pulled away and started throwing nervous glances towards the woods. It took Dean himself a second to catch up on what was happening. Oh shit. They'd just been seen. "Someone saw us making out," Castiel gasped. He sounded terrified. That was probably Dean's fault, since he was the one who had been drilling into Cass' head for years how dangerous it might be if people knew. He may have even exaggerated the danger a little, in the interest of keeping Cass as safe as possible.

"I'll take care of it," Dean assured him as he leaped over the railing and took off in the direction of the woods. Damn right he would. He'd just put the fear of God and Dean Winchester into whoever was peeping and they would never say a fucking word about it to anyone. But by the time he made it to the dirt road that ran behind the thicket of trees, the car was peeling out leaving a cloud of dust in its wake. What was worse was that Dean recognized the car as it drove out of sight. The old Mercury Sable belonged to none other than Ansem fucking Weems - the most big mouthed, bigoted kid in the whole town, not to mention Ruby Wexfield's boyfriend. She must have been the girl in the bushes. Great. No doubt they'd make sure the whole damn town knew that he and Cass were a couple of queers. This was so not gonna turn out good. "Dean?" Castiel asked nervously from behind him. His eyes were now huge as he glimpsed the disappearing taillights. "Who was it?" "I dunno," Dean muttered and turned away. He hated to lie but it would only freak Cass out. As always, Castiel could see right through him. He grabbed Dean's arm and forced him to face him. "Tell me." "Ansemand Ruby," Dean sighed. "Shit," Castiel let out a breath. "Yeah." Twenty minutes later they were headed toward Castiel's house. Cass was staring silently out the window, leaning his head against the glass. Whenever he got mopey like that, Dean knew he was seriously upset. "Hey look, we can go find Ansem and I'll just you know, kick the shit out of him til he swears to keep his mouth shut," Dean offered. He wasn't entirely sure even a solid beat down would keep the kid quiet but it was worth a shot for Cass' sake. But Cass just snorted and kept watching the scenery go by, "That won't help anything. Ruby saw us too." Oh yeah. There was that little problem. "So," Dean shrugged and said unconvincingly, "I'll just beat the crap outta her too." Cass shook his head and gave Dean an amused, knowing smile, "You'd never hit a woman." "Well," Dean shrugged. "We could go pick up Chuck. She does still look like a monkey." Cass didn't laugh at his joke and Dean gave up trying to lighten the mood. They'd been exposed and in Moss Point there were certainly going to be repercussions. Dean knew it. Cass knew it. This was the calm before the storm. By tomorrow, it would be spreading like wildfire and God knows how some of these people would react.

After a few moments of silent contemplation Dean offered, "You wanna go by Deacon's? He might know what to do." "There's nothing to do, Dean," Castiel shook his head. He sounded frustrated and tired. "It was bound to happen eventually, no matter how hard we tried." "Well you wanna go get a drink or-" "I just wanna go home," Cass snapped. Dean flinched slightly but didn't take it too hard. His boyfriend was just upset and rightfully so. And a second later Cass apologized anyway. "Sorry.I just.my mom gets scared at night when I'm out. I just need to get back." "Is she doing alright?" Dean asked suspiciously. Sometimes Cass lied to Dean about Anna's condition, mostly so Dean wouldn't worry. He worried anyway and could spot a lie outta of Castiel a mile away. But he usually tried not to press to much because he didn't want to put Cass in a bad position. Lately, though, he'd gotten hints that the woman was once again deteriorating. "Yeah, she's fine. She likes it when I'm home at night, is all." "Okay, baby," Dean said quietly. It had been a bad enough night already without him picking a fight over Cass' crazy mama. As soon as they pulled into the driveway, Cass bolted out of the car and Dean had to literally run to catch up to him on the porch. Frowning, he handed Cass his envelopes and said, "Hey, you forgot your brochures, baby." Cass gave him a forced smile and said, "Sorry, I guess..just preoccupied." Dean's heart hurt a little at that. Poor Castiel. Whatever happened once Ansem and Ruby opened their mouths was gonna be really tough on him. He'd already spent his life being picked on for his leg and his mom and his size.and now the whole damn town was gonna be calling him a faggot too. Dean sighed. The world just wasn't fucking fair. Cass was good, so noble and decent.and all he ever got in return was kicked in the teeth. Over and over again it never let up. Well it didn't matter now, Dean swore to himself. It was almost over. He wrapped Castiel up in his arms and promised, "We'll be out of here soon, Cass. Don't' worry about what they say. You just start filling out your applications and we'll leave this place before you even know it alright?" Castiel said nothing and for a moment gave no response at all. Finally, he nodded slightly against Dean's shoulder. Dean kissed him on the cheek and let him go. As Cass went through the door he looked over his shoulder and studied Dean hard for a moment. "What?" Dean shrugged a bit sheepishly under the scrutiny. "I really love you," Castiel smiled wistfully at him. Dean tried once more to reassure him by giving him his best devil-may-care grin. "I love you too, babe. And everything's gonna be alright. ."

Then Cass nodded and disappeared into the house. Dean trudged down the steps and slid back into the car. The whole way home he thought about what could happen tomorrow and the best way to protect Cass from it. .. Present Day Dean walked around feeling like he'd been run over by a truck for the next three days. He stayed as far the hell away from the general store as possible. Turned out that didn't matter after all. Chuck called Thursday morning and demanded to know what the hell happened between him and Cass. Dean played dumb. "What do you mean?" "I meanWHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?" Chuck nearly shrieked through the phone. Angrily Dean barked back, "What makes you think it was my fault?" "So something did happen," Chuck said satisfied. "Wasn't my fault!" Dean snapped. Then he backed up. "Wait.how do you know something happened?" At first there was no answer and Dean thought his cell might have dropped the call. Then Chuck finally said matter of factly, "He stopped going to the store. He hasn't left the house in three days. He refuses to let anyone but Ellen in the house and she says he hasn't been eating either." Good, was Dean's first thought. That's what he gets. But then he grimaced at the thought that Castiel was getting worse. Dean was hurt and he had a right to be; but dammit that fucking Castiel could pull at his heartstrings even when he was angry at him. Now he felt guilty for making Cass feel guilty and the truth was that no matter what Cass had done none of this would have happened if Dean hadn't come back and started messing with his head again. Maybe he should have left well enough alone. Maybe he should have stayed away just like Castiel said. Dean sighed. He wished Deacon were alive to tell him what to do. Nobody else knew Castiel as well as the sheriff and nobody was as good at making Cass feel better when he was down. Dean idly ran his fingers around the star in his pocket - the one that despite everything he'd kept on him at all times since he'd arrived. Even when he and Castiel were making love (at least in Dean's mind it was making love) the badge had been tucked safely away in the pocket of his jeans where they lay on the floor just a few feet away. He didn't know why he hadn't given Cass the star. Probably the same instinct that gave Dean doubts before they'd gone to bed together.it just hadn't felt like the right time. Now it seemed the right time would never come. Whether that was Castiel's fault or his own he wasn't entirely sure, but he did know that for the time being he could not face the man. He was still aching inside. After getting an earful from Chuck, Dean slammed down the phone and went to make himself a drink. It's five o'clock somewhere, he thought grimly as he slammed back a shot from the bottle of whiskey he found hidden in the back of Sam's pantry. He immediately regretted it. The sting of the

whiskey in his throat reminded him of too many times when he'd drowned his loneliness or his pain in liquor. This was the very thing he'd come looking to be saved from. Not the drink itself, but the way he'd come to use it as a crutch. That was the danger. It's called backsliding, Dean thought. Disappointed with himself, he slid the bottle back into its place on the shelf and stomped into the living room. He wished Sam would come home..or Bobby would stop by to visit.or even that Ellen would show up to bitch him out. He was lonely and hurting and goddammit if this was how it was going to be he could have just stayed gone. Plopping down on the couch he rubbed a hand over his face. It had been long, sleepless night. Sam had stayed with Jess and Dean had had very little to occupy himself with. Hell, there hadn't even been anything good on TV. So instead he lay in his old bedroom staring at the ceiling for hours thinking of Castiel.the one he used to know and the one he'd just met. Mostly he just thought about how much he wanted it to be like old times, how much he wanted to hold and love and spend time with the man..and how unattainable that dream now seemed. "Dean," Sam called as the screen door slammed. Thank God. Finally a distraction, he thought. And a pretty one at that. Jess was hot on Sam's heels, bouncing in to the room with the loveliest smile he'd ever seen. They stopped and stared at him for a minute with eager anticipation. Dean frowned, "What?" Finally Jessica couldn't contain herself anymore. She held out her hand to flash a diamond ring and burst out, "Sam proposed!" Gaping first at Jess' happy smile and then at Sam's slightly nervous expression Dean forgot his own problems and jumped to his feet, "That's great!" "Yeah?" Sam asked with his big old puppy eyes working over time. It was kinda cute how he was still worried about getting Dean's blessing. "Are you kidding? It's awesome man!" Dean assured him enthusiastically just as Jessica bounded into Dean's arms to give him a hug. "You're gonna be my big brother!" she chirped and Dean's heart melted. She was such a sweet girl, so perfect for Sam, and Dean felt lucky that they would both have her in the family. Over Jessica's shoulder Dean could see his brother's relieved grin and when she finally let go he went over and hugged Sam too. Quietly he whispered, "Good for you Sammy. You got the right one." Sam didn't say anything but Dean could hear him make a low strangled grunt which meant he was choking up and trying not to cry out loud. Dean grinned and thought, You big girl. Inside he was thrilled that Sam had found someone to make him happy and not feel so alone anymore. If anyone deserved that it was his baby brother. The moment was bittersweet though, because as happy as Dean was for them he was still aching for himself. For a few days he'd entertained the thought he might get a happily ever after too, with

Cass. Now that wasn't gonna happen. Sam and Jess would have a family and grow old together. Meanwhile Dean was beginning to realize that he would spend the rest of his life alone because no one else would ever do; only Cass, who didn't really want him, didn't trust him anymore. He kept those feelings to himself as Sam and Jessica started talking excitedly about their plans for the wedding, including a party to announce their engagement they wanted to have Sunday afternoon. There were plans to be made and food to buy and people to call so Dean pitched in and started arranging things. The whole time Sam sat there grinning like an idiot. Dean hadn't seen him so enthralled since the first time the kid had seen a chicken. It was really kinda cute, in an embarrassing, dorky way. For the rest of the day Dean was able to push away his own troubles and throw himself into getting the party together for the couple. It actually helped a lot and by the time he went to bed that night he was so exhausted he didn't have the energy to lament his problems with Cass. Instead of staring at the ceiling wistfully for hours he dropped into a dead sleep almost the minute he hit the pillow. .. By Friday morning Dean was feeling damn proud of himself. He'd managed to throw together a pretty awesome fucking party for Sunday and keep Cass off his mind. Mostly. Now and then, when he was alone and the house was quiet, those sad blue eyes would pop into his mind and Dean's heart would clench up in his chest just a little. But he managed to quash it quickly and refocus on something else, liking cleaning the house for the guests or arranging for enough food to be delivered. Everything was done now for the most part. Dean just had a few more calls to make to invite some people he'd missed first time around and then it would be all set. He'd gone over every detail ten times, wanting it to be perfect for Sam. A quiet rap on the door drew his attention and Dean made his way into the foyer. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw those same haunting eyes he'd been trying to forget peering through the pane glass. Cass. With his heart in his throat, Dean slowly opened the door, unable to tear his eyes away from Castiel's face. Cass on the other hand was now looking away, looking down, looking at anything that wasn't Dean. "Hey," he said quietly, staring at his feet. "Hey." "I uh- I uh" Cass stammered. "Heard you haven't been feeling so good," Dean offered. This was awkward enough for both of them without watching Castiel stand there and flounder. "Yeah, haven't," Castiel shrugged and was now seemingly fascinated by the bug zapper hanging to the right of the door.

"Better now?" Dean asked gruffly and man, that question shouldn't be as important to him as it was. "I guess," Castiel nodded but Dean could tell that was a lie. Dean sighed. This was too damn painful to watch. "Cass, why are you here?" "I wanted to," Castiel screwed up his face uncertainly. "I just I wanted to see what you were doing today." Dean's heart fluttered the tiniest bit - just enough to irritate Dean because goddamn it he should not be getting his hopes up. He shouldn't even be happy to see the guy after the other night. "Why?" Dean demanded, and in his desperate need to control his own emotions it came out harsher than he meant it too. Castiel flinched and took a small step back. For a second Dean thought he might actually bolt. Instead, the man took a deep breath, squared his shoulders and looked Dean in the eye. "I'm driving up to see my mother and I thought maybe if you weren't doing anything you might come along to keep me company." Again the damn fluttering but this time more insistent, more urgent. Say yes. Say yes. Say yesyesyesyesyes. But it couldn't be that simple and Dean really wasn't in a mood to make it easy on the guy either. "Do you want me to?" Dean asked suspiciously. "I uh-" Castiel shrugged timidly. "If you want to." "No," Dean snapped. "No Cass, if you want me to come you say you want me to come. I'm not playing these games anymore. " Castiel fell silent and Dean wanted to kick himself. Maybe he was being too harsh. What if he'd pushed back just a little too hard and blown any chance at getting this train wreck back on the tracks? He almost groaned in relief when a moment later Castiel finally answered quickly, "Iwantyoutocomewithme." "Well okay then," Dean breathed out, externally satisfied and internally ecstatic. He was still pissed and frustrated but when his mind wandered back to the possibility of spending the rest of his life without Castiel in it he decided it was worth the risk to give this one more try. If Castiel was appropriately repentant, that is. Dean would just have to wait and see. "When are you going?" "Well," Castiel shrugged, finally looking a bit more relaxed. "Now I guess." "Alright," Dean nodded firmly. For now he was keeping his tone all business. He wasn't gonna get all warm and fuzzy with the guy until he at least got an apology for the other night. "Let me grab my jacket and we'll go."

"Okay," Castiel smiled and Dean had to clamp down on his stupid, gooey heart to keep from turning into a big blubbering lovesick bitch again at the sight. Stop that. We're mad at him! His pride lectured. His heart, meanwhile, argued, But he's our Cass, our Cass, ourCassCassCassCass. Stupid heart. Dean gathered a few things for the road trip then called Sam to let him know he'd be gone most of the day. Castiel remained silent the entire time, studying the front page of the newspaper while Dean went about his business. His anxiety was radiating off him in waves. Twenty minutes later they were on the highway headed up to Northfork where Anna's hospital was. The tension in the car was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Castiel kept throwing Dean nervous, sideway glances and Dean continued to pretend he couldn't give a shit. It got harder as the moments passed to keep the aloof act up. He really just wanted to talk to Cass and sort all this out. If he could just break through that stone wall the man had built around himself then Dean would be willing to let his anger about what happened the other night go. But if he had to keep banging his head against that wall then he didn't think he'd be able to forgive and forget. "Are you hungry?" Castiel glanced over and asked. "Yeah, I could eat," Dean answered casually. "Well there's a few fast food places at the interchange. We could stop and get some breakfast," Castiel explained. His tone was friendly. He was trying. "Sounds good," Dean smiled and when he did Cass immediately broke into a relieved smile of his own. Maybe this day had possibilities after all. They decided against eating inside, settling instead for going through the drive through and parking to eat. Dean had skipped breakfast and was definitely hungry when he pulled his steak biscuit and hash rounds out of the paper bag. "Mmmm," he groaned as he took his first bite. "Good?" Castiel grinned slightly. "Oh hell yeah," Dean beamed at him. Their eyes locked for a moment until Castiel blushed and ducked his head. Nothing more was said and as Dean finished up his food he noticed Castiel was only picking at his. Ellen said he hasn't been eating. That old protectiveness washed over him for just a second until he remembered he was supposed to be pissed. Fuck it. Trying to stay this mad was exhausting. "Not hungry?" Dean asked. Castiel just shrugged and shoved what was left of his breakfast which was most of it back into the bag. "Cass-" But Castiel cut him off, "Can we talk? I mean, are you gonna get mad at me again if we talk?"

Dean swallowed hard, "No. I get mad when we don't. " Castiel nodded but kept his eyes fixed straight ahead on the horizon. Quietly he said, "I didn't mean it that way - to hurt you." Dean snorted. He didn't think that was the whole truth. Cass rolled his eyes and said, "Okay, maybe a small part of me meant it that way. I don't- I just don't know what I was trying to do." "Well that makes two of us," Dean sighed. Castiel ignored him and pushed on, "You just showed up one day and started acting like everything was normal, like everything was just like the good old days." Dean nodded, even though Cass wasn't looking at him to see it. It was true. He had kinda come in like gang busters and started acting like he was Castiel's boyfriend again. In his heart he always had been but from Cass' perspective it was probably too much too fast. Castiel turned then to face him and said in a low, serious voice, "I mourned for you like you were dead when you ran away back then. I was numb for a few days and then I realized you'd really left me. Then I kept hoping you were just angry and would come back when you calmed down. But you never did, Dean. You never even called...and it was just.it was like" "Like I died," Dean answered quietly. "That's exactly what it felt like. It was devastating. I'd never felt that much grief before, even when my grandfather died," Castiel continued, "Then the other day you just showed up and acted like nothing happened. Yeah, okay, you apologized but then you just jump right into my life like you can pick up where you left off, as though you could hit the rewind button. Like I should just forget all that grief I went through over you and let's move on. So I guess I was pissed." Dean nodded, "I figured." "Yeah well, can you blame me?" Cass snorted. Then his expression grew darker and for the first time Dean could see that Cass might be as frustrated with this thing as he was. "But then there was this other part of me that was just so damn happy to see you. I have missed you so much and there you were and I wanted- I wanted-" "I understand," Dean whispered roughly, and he did. For the past few days he'd been struggling with his own internal turmoil loving and wanting Cass so bad but being so angry and hurt at the same time. Now Castiel turned away again and stared out the window. In a small, lost voice he said, "I don't know which side won the other night. I honestly don't know whether I was trying to hurt you or if I just wanted to be close to you again. I guess it was a little bit of both." "Fair enough," Dean answered. He knew Castiel was finally telling him the whole truth. Of course, he'd prefer the truth had been Castiel declaring his undying true love and that Dean had totally misread the other night but that was just plain stupid. There was too much water under the bridge for a nice little Hollywood ending. Dean turned and grabbed the man's arm. "But tell me what you want now, Cass."

Castiel hung his head and replied, "I don't know. I just want there not to be so much pain. Lately, these last few months, all there's been is pain. I'm so damn tired of hurting." Dean's chest tightened at the misery and hopelessness in Castiel's voice. He'd known the man was depressed. He'd heard it from other people and seen the signs himself. But this was the first time he'd gotten a really good look at it close up and saw just how deep it ran. "I don't want to make you hurt. Am I making it worse?" Dean asked anxiously. If his presence was going to make Cass even sicker then he would leave town, just to spare the man anymore pain. Even if it meant a world of heartache for himself. "Should I should I just go away?" "No," Castiel sighed. "I don't think it's you. But I just don't have the energy for.well whatever it is you're looking forand I don't have the energy for all this drama." "Okay," Dean answered quietly and laid a comforting hand on his leg. He could compromise. "Then I'll back off and we'll just.we'll be friends. We can try just being friends. Is that okay?" Castiel gave him a sad but grateful smile, "That would be nice. I could use a friend." "Then that's what we'll do," Dean said firmly and gave Cass a reassuring smile. He'd gotten his apology and Castiel had finally opened up to him a little so Dean was prepared to be forgiving. And if for now Cass only wanted a friend, a steadying, calming influence in his tumultuous life well Dean could do that. He could offer Castiel a little patience. Castiel whispered, "I really am sorry about the other-" "It's okay Cass," Dean waved him off. "Let's just start from scratch alright? We both messed up the first couple of days and so let's just pretend it never happened. Start all over..as friends." At that Castiel broke into a genuine and heartfelt smile, "Thank you." Nine and Half Years Ago The shit storm that unfolded over the next week wasn't quite as bad as Dean expected but at times it got pretty fucking ugly. Just as Dean had predicted, the entire town knew about him and Castiel by the next afternoon. Ruby and her mother never stopped running their mouths when there was a juicy bit of gossip afoot. Thankfully, half the town either didn't care or didn't have a problem with it. And for once the adult residents' lifelong pity for Cass worked in his favor. Very few had the heart to be cruel to him and even those who thought it was a sin and that they were going to hell blamed Dean, figured he'd taken advantage of that poor little crippled boy. That suited Dean just fine. He could take the heat so long as they left Castiel alone and for a few days it seemed like that's how it would play out. It didn't. While the more mature townspeople let it lie, Dean and Cass' own counterparts were having a fucking field day. Especially Ansem and some of his ignorant hick buddies. They were sneaky about it though and kept anonymous; because they knew if Deacon caught them they were dead fucking meat.

For the first few days nothing happened to Cass at all. Mainly because he stayed in and hid out, and Deacon and Ellen kept a careful watch over the Parkers' home to make sure nobody got any bright ideas about bothering them. Then one morning Cass called and said he had to go down to the general store to pick up a few things. He asked Dean to go with him 'just in case'. So around 9 am they drove up to the docks and waved hello to Bobby as they pulled in. That's how it started. Cass was now running the place with the help of Bobby's nephew, Mike, who had been managing it under Bobby's conservatorship until Cass turned eighteen. Mike Singer was a hell of a nice guy, just like his uncle, and he'd taken Castiel under his wing and been teaching him everything there was to know about running the business so Cass would be up to speed. Dean thought it was a waste of time cuz Cass would be selling the store soon when they left town. That was the plan. But Cass seemed endlessly interested in learning all he could about the business. Dean dismissed it as part of Castiel's personality he was brilliant and curious and liked to learn about everything. Gathering useless knowledge was kind of his hobby. Dean began to open the car door but Cass grabbed his arm and Dean turned to find his boyfriend looking terrified. "What if somebody says something?" Dean was pretty sure that somebody somewhere was gonna say something to Cass eventually, but Dean wanted to comfort him the best he could. "Hey don't worry, Cass. This is your place, alright? You own this damn store and if any of the customers give you shit you can just kick them the hell out. Look, it's only Mike in there and he and Bobby already knew and don't care. Anybody else that has a problem can just get the fuck off your property!" Castiel gave him a firm nod and Dean knew that at least for now he had the boy convinced they were in safe territory. So they got out of the car and headed inside with Dean watching Cass throw nervous glances all around the dock, to see if anyone was whispering or pointing. No one seemed to notice them, to Dean's great relief and they made it to the door without incident. Dean followed Cass into the store and nearly ran him over when the boy stopped dead in his tracks without warning. "Cass what?" That's when he saw it. Mike was trying to clean up the place because it was a fucking wreck merchandise all over the aisles, the cash register and some boxes overturned, broken bottles littering the floor. They both just gaped at the mess as Mike looked up from his sweeping and shot them a regretful look. "Were we robbed?" Cass gasped. Mike said nothing for a moment, just stared at Castiel sadly before finally answering, "No." Hesitantly he motioned with his head over to the shelves above the counter and Dean's gut twisted into a knot. Someone had spray painted 'Faggot' in bright red all along that wall. Then he noticed more graffiti around the store - things like 'Crippled Queer', 'Silly Faggots, Dicks Are For Chicks' and on and on. Dean wanted to cover Cass' eyes like a mother does when a car accident happens in front of her kids' to spare them the gruesome sight. It was too late though and Castiel wasn't a child. So instead he simply put his hand on the small of Castiel's back and whispered, "I'm so sorry."

Castiel said nothing, just stood there helplessly looking over the mess the vandals had made of his grandfather's beloved store. Dean wanted to kill them. "I called Deacon," Mike said softly. "He's on his way." After that it got worse. The bastards started leaving condoms and lube in their mailboxes with disgusting messages attached, some girls who Dean was positive were Meg and Ruby started leaving prank messages on their answering machines, and there was more hateful graffiti on the gazebo. They even stooped to getting their younger brothers to harass Sam at school. That at least was a grave miscalculation on their part because not only was Sam protective of Dean and Cass he was about twelve feet tall and built like a brick shithouse with no reservations about beating the shit out of anyone who got mouthy with him. Still, it was one more stab in Dean's gut because Sam shouldn't have to fight for his sake. Then there was the worst incident of all. One night someone smashed the windows on Cass' treasured Mustang and ripped out the special pedal attachments Dean had rigged for him. Then once again they painted 'queer' and 'gimp' and other unmentionable slurs all over it. When Cass called Dean over to look at it in the morning, Dean could see huge crocodile tears welling up in his eyes. That car meant so much to Castiel and whoever (Ansem, Ruby, Jake, the bastards) did this knew it too. It took Dean two days to fix and paint it and by that time Castiel was a quivering, nervous mess terrified to leave home even in Dean's company. That night was the first night Dean ever stayed over with Castiel. It wasn't that Anna cared. Hell, she was talking to angels again so Dean didn't know if she even realized when he was or wasn't in the house. It's just that Dean was still living at home and things weren't so great between him and his dad now. They'd been butting heads a lot the last few months so he just figured it was easier to come in at a decent hour then to deal with the fallout, even if he did pay half the rent. As Castiel watched him with wide, unhappy eyes put the last touches on the Mustang he didn't have the heart to leave. It was late anyway, and he was filthy and tired and just not in the mood to put up with any of John Winchester's shit. So they went inside and had a bite to eat. Then Dean showered as Cass put his mother to bed. Finally the two of them slipped upstairs to Castiel's bedroom to be alone. Dean was uncharacteristically gentle that night, and Castiel was especially clingy and needy. It was nice though, very sweet and tender just the way they liked it. Here in each other arms it felt like the rest of the world's opinion didn't matter much and tonight they could take their time without Dean having to rush off after. After they made love and were laying naked on Cass' bed with Dean's head on his chest, he began contemplating how nice it would be when they finally got away from this town and they could be together like this all the time and fall asleep together every night. And there would be no Ruby and no Ansem and no Jake Talley and nobody who even knew them from Adam. There would only be peace, anonymity and a fresh start. "Deacon wants me to go stay with his brother in Tennessee for a couple weeks, just til all this calms down. He's worried for me," Castiel said, breaking the silence.

"Yeah?" Dean asked, craning his neck to look up at his love. "Maybe that's not such a bad idea. You know, just for a couple weeks." "No," Cass shook his head. "Mom needs me here." "Cass, come on. She has nurses and I'm sure Ellen-" "No!" Cass snapped and wouldn't hear any more of it. Dean should have seen the big red neon warning sign then. He didn't. If he had he might have realized that that was the last time they'd ever make love, at least for many years. Instead, he shushed Cass and comforted him and held him close the rest of the night, completely unaware that their relationship was about to come to an abrupt and brutal end. .. Nine and A Half Years Ago Dean awoke early the next morning to the nicest sight he'd ever laid eyes on. Castiel was snuggled deep into the pillow, his face the picture of peace and contentment. He was so damn beautiful sometimes it made Dean hurt in all the right ways. He wished he could stay in bed with Cass all day long. Time to get up though. Time to get to work. It was Sunday and should be his day off but he was picking up as many extra shifts at the factory as possible lately to save up money for the new life that awaited he and Cass just beyond the horizon. All week long whenever the outing thing had gotten him down, all he had to do was imagine what it would be like in a few short months after they'd made their escape from this crappy town. Cass in school, Dean working to support them, and the two of them living happily and anonymously together in a little place all their own burning dinner, folding laundry, watching Letterman as they talked about their day - perfect domestic bliss. It was a simple dream compared to most people's but it was all he'd dreamed of for the past decade and now it was so close he could taste it. Just a little bit longer and they'd be free. So fuck Ruby and Ansem and all the rest. They could stay here and rot in this hellhole. Soon, he and Castiel would be out of their reach. "Baby," Dean mumbled as he rolled on his side and nuzzled against Castiel's neck gently. "Gotta go to work." "M'kay," Cass murmured without opening his eyes. He did edge closer to Dean, though, and shift his head so his boyfriend would have better access to his neck. Dean took the invitation and laid feather light kisses along the nape. His voice was still thick with sleep as he whispered, "Love you." "Love you too," Castiel answered and finally opened his eyes. Dean leaned over and kissed his cheek as Cass grinned up at him goofily. "Mmmm," Dean muttered naughtily as he rubbed their bodies together just right. "You smell good." "I smell like sex and you," Castiel laughed.

"Mmm-hmmm," Dean agreed running his lips over Castiel's collar bone. "Dean," Castiel whined and pushed up against him. "You gotta go to work." "I know, I know," Dean huffed against his shoulder. "Have a good day, baby." "You too," Dean said softly. "Stay in today alright? Just til I get off work. Don't want them messing with you when I'm not around." "'Kay," Cass nodded sleepily. Dean kissed him one final time then rolled out of bed and headed for the shower. A couple minutes later as the hot spray pounded down on him he felt a cool gush of air from behind and turned to find Cass trying to sneak in with him. Dean grinned and pulled him closer, "Hey babe, thought you were going back to sleep." Castiel stepped in to rest his head against Dean's chest as the hot water rained down on them. "I like this better," he replied with a content sigh. "It's nice huh? Waking up together." "It's awesome," Dean agreed and rested his chin on Cass' head. "Showering together's good too. I could stay like this all day long." Duty called and a few minutes later he had to pry himself out of Castiel's arms with a final kiss. Then he dressed and headed downstairs stopping in the kitchen to grab some toast on his way out the door. Anna was already there, sitting at the table cutting angel pictures out of some religious magazine. She smiled up at him and said, "Hi Dean." Huh, must be a good day. She remembers my name. "Hey Anna," he returned with a smile. "Castiel's upstairs. He should be down in a minute. Can I get you anything before I leave?" "No thank you. Astrid will be here soon," she beamed up at him. Wow, remembered her day nurse's name too. Two for two. A great day. Sometimes it was confusing how quickly Anna could change. One moment she was total batshit and the next, when she was calm and caught up on her meds, she could almost pass for normal. Dean often wondered what it was like for Cass to grow up with that to wake up every morning and never be sure exactly who would show up for breakfast wearing his mother's nightgown. It wasn't Anna's fault of course, but it wasn't Castiel's either and Cass was the one who had to pay for it. Anna could just hide in her madness, oblivious to the difficulties it caused for her child. She loved him though. There was no doubt how much the crazy little lady loved her Cass. That's why she'd named him after her favorite angel. Whether she was having a good day or bad she was always sweet and loving to Castiel and always looking for him, wanting to be near him, wanting him close. During her bad times though, she'd occasionally forget he was the child she'd named and

think he actually was the 'Angel of Thursday'. Castiel to his credit just rolled with it and whoever the hell she thought he was, he doted on her just the same. His ability to look past his mother's shortcomings and his own suffering and treat her with such tenderness put Dean to shame. He couldn't let his own father off the hook so easy. But then Anna hadn't chosen her problems and John Winchester did. "See you later," he mumbled through a mouthful of toast as he headed out the door. "Have a wonderful day," she chirped sweetly. He intended too. . Present Day "My angel," Anna breathed dreamily as Dean and Castiel entered the dayroom where she and a few other residents were relaxing. Dean instantly flinched at her greeting. He hoped she was just calling Castiel by her nickname for him and wasn't mistaking him for a heavenly being. No such luck. She immediately broke into the Lord's Prayer, just as she always did when she thought she was being visited by an angel. "Amen," she finished and Dean saw a shadow cross Castiel's face. He never missed a beat, though, and immediately went to sit next to her and took her hand. "It's me mom. Cass." "I know who you are," Anna smiled at him like he was playing a game and being silly. She stroked one hand down his rugged cheek and whispered, "Castiel. The angel of Thursday, come to deliver me the Good News." Castiel sighed. Dean felt helpless so he offered the only support he could by sitting down next to Cass and placing a comforting hand on his back. The man shot him a grateful smile and a 'well what can I do?' shrug before turning back to his mother. "How are you feeling?" "Wonderful," Anna answered him with a bright smile. "They've been singing all day, lovely songs." "They?" Dean frowned. She nodded, "The choirs of heaven!" Crap. She was really around the bend today. Poor Cass, Dean thought. But then as he glanced around the room at some of the other patients he realized it could be worse for Anna. She believed that angels were singing and talking to her. As delusions went, that didn't seem so bad. He knew a lot of schizophrenics had terrifying, nightmarish hallucinations like bugs crawling all over them or blood running down the walls. Maybe being tuned into 'angel radio' was the best possible thing for the woman, you know, if she couldn't ever be sane.

Still, it took it's toll on Castiel. Dean could feel how tightly his muscles were bunched beneath his coat and spent the next hour rubbing small soothing circles over the man's back as he tried to have a conversation with his mother. As always, Cass was patient and gentle with her and Anna was doting and affection to her 'angel'. It was heartbreaking at moments and when Cass brought up Max and Anna couldn't remember who he was, Dean almost had to get up and leave. He just couldn't bare the unshed tears shining in Castiel's eyes and the strangled, overcome sound of his voice as he abruptly tried to change the subject. Dean had to grit his teeth and grip the back of Cass' chair to keep still. This was tough enough on the guy without Dean getting all emotional too. He was supposed to be here to support his friend so he forced himself to sit through it as painful as it was to watch. By the time they left, they were both exhausted. As they walked to the car Dean asked gently, "You okay?" "Yeah," Cass breathed out. "Some days she's like this. Most of the time she's alright, but then one morning I show up and it's..this." "I'm sorry, Cass," Dean said soberly. "Thanks," Castiel smiled at him with sincere gratitude and Dean was glad he'd come along. It seemed Cass really did need a friend these days. Cass sat down on the hood of his car and Dean sat next to him. He waited while Castiel collected himself and finally the man spoke again. "You know she wasn't always like this. When I was really young she was fine.normal. It wasn't until I was about seven that it started to happen and it was another couple years before she got really sick." "Really?" Dean frowned. He never knew that, just assumed this was always the way it had been. Castiel never mentioned any different. "Yeah," Cass nodded and stared towards the building. "Schizophrenia doesn't usually present until mid to late 20s. Sometimes later." Dean froze, "Cassis that what you worry about? Cuz look depression isn't the same thing and you're not.." "No, I know," Castiel gave him a rueful smile. "Mine's different. Believe me, I know." Dean wrapped an arm around Castiel's shoulder and gently urged, "But there is medication for that too you know. Chuck told me you aren't on anything but it could probably-" "I can't Dean," Castiel cut him off. "It reminds me too much of this." Dean nodded. He didn't agree but he did understand. Cass had spent much of his life watching his mother go on and off medications and in and out of hospitals. He probably wasn't a fan of psychiatrists. After that Cass didn't offer anything more so the two of them sat quietly wrapped up in their own thoughts. "Hi Castiel," a voice called from across the parking lot.

Dean whipped around to see a tall blond man striding toward them in nurse's scrubs. He watched as Castiel turned and nodded to the man, greeting him with a warm smile. Dean's stomach did a little flip flop of jealousy which was ridiculous since all the guy had done was say hello. "Hey Kit," Castiel said shaking the man's hand as he walked up. Kit? What the hell kind of wussy name is that? Dean huffed internally. Stop it. You're being ridiculous. Act like a grown up. "Just coming in?" Kit asked Castiel as he eyed Dean's arm around his shoulder. Aha! He doesn't like me touching Cass. That means he's interested. Which means I'm totally justified in hating him..except for.except for how I promised Castiel we could just be friends. Crap. "No," Cass shook his head. "Heading out. This is Dean." "Nice to meet you," the man forced a smile and extended his hand. Shaking it meant Dean had to let loose of Castiel and while his old ex-boyfriend instincts didn't want to, he decided to take the high road. "You too," he said gruffly and then sidled a fraction of an inch closer to Cass. Not enough for Castiel to notice, but enough for Kit to if he was watching which he totally was. Dean could tell by the way the man shifted uncomfortably at the sight. "Kit is a nurse in my mom's wing. He works with Jess," Castiel explained. Then he turned to Kit and finished, "Dean is Sam's brother." "Oh really?" Kit asked. Now he actually sounded interested. "I've met your brother a few times. Great guy!" Okay, so maybe Kit wasn't a total dick. "Yeah he is," Dean agreed feeling a little more friendly now. "How's he doing?" "Uh, terrific actually. He and Jess just got engaged." "Really?" Castiel turned to him wide eyed. "Why didn't you tell me?" "Sorry," Dean shook his head dumbly. He couldn't believe they'd spent the whole day together and he'd forgotten to mention it. Hell, he'd been doing nothing but making engagement party plans the last couple of days But with everything else going on it had totally slipped his mind. He shrugged apologetically, "Just been a lot going on today." Castiel gave him a rueful look of his own and answered in a soft voice, "Yeah." They stared at each other for a moment until Dean heard a discrete cough. Oh yeah. Kit. "So how's Anna doing today?"

"She's being weird," Castiel said quietly and while Kit cocked his head as though that were a strange thing to say, Dean remembered that was how Cass had always described Anna's troubles when they were young. His stomach flipped again but this time in sympathy rather than jealousy. So Dean jumped in to explain for Cass, "She's having a bad day, didn't recognize him." "Oh," Kit nodded slowly and then with a look of genuine affection that made Dean uncomfortable he said, "I'm sorry, Castiel." "Well," Castiel shrugged it off. "That's why she's here you know?" Kit nodded in sympathy as the three of them fell into an awkward silence. The weight of Anna's illness and Castiel's burden hung in the air between them and Dean groped for some way to break the moment without being inappropriate. "Hey you know, Jess and Sam are having an engagement party Sunday afternoon at ourhishouse. You should come," Dean told Kit. "That would be great!" Kit beamed then turned to Cass and asked, "You're going too?" SHIT! Dean thought. What did I just do? He'd been so damn intent on changing the painful subject he'd forgotten the part where he didn't like the way this guy looked at Cass. Now he'd invited Kit to his house! "I don't uh-" Castiel stammered, sounding a little embarrassed. Oh that's right. I didn't invite Cass yet. HmmDean thought. Maybe I could just Then he looked over at Castiel who was squirming and blushing and realized that no, no matter how much his instincts told him to keep Kit and Cass apart, he couldn't not invite Castiel just to achieve those means. Besides, he wanted Castiel there. He just didn't want Kit. Too late for that. "Of course he is," Dean answered confidently. Now at least Cass would assume that Dean had taken it as a given that he was invited and wouldn't feel he'd been left out. "Great! I'll see you there!" Kit said with so much enthusiasm Dean kind of wanted to punch him. As Kit disappeared inside the building Dean ushered Cass back to the car. When they pulled out of the parking lot Castiel glanced over at him and said, "That's great about Sam and Jess." "Yeah, it is isn't it," Dean nodded. "I uh- I don't think I can come to the party, Dean," Castiel said quietly. "What? Why?" Dean whined. A tiny part of him was relieved Cass didn't seem to give a shit that Kit would be there but the rest of him was disappointed. It would be a chance to spend more time with the man and Dean didn't want to pass any of those up. The more they were together the sooner Castiel would realize that he could trust Dean and that eventually.when he was ready. they could be more than friends.

Castiel shook his head and stared at the red light. Quietly he answered, "It's just a lot of people. Not really up for it." "It'll be fine Cass," Dean assured him. "Come on, Sammy's engaged! You mean a lot to him and you're friends with Jess too. You gotta come!" He resisted the urge to add 'baby' to the end of that sentence. They were supposed to be friends. That's what Castiel said he wanted. For now. "I I'll see." It wasn't a yes but it would have to do. Dean figured he'd be able to convince Castiel completely by the time of the party on Sunday. For the time being he'd let it drop. "Hey so," Dean started casually, "What's that Kit guy's deal? He's a friend of Jess' right?" Castiel nodded as he made the left turn that would take them back to the highway. "Yeah, they went to school together and then he helped her get on the staff here. She tried to set us up last year." Fuck. "Oh yeah?" "Mmm-hmm," Cass answered as he maneuvered onto the on ramp. "How'd that go?" Dean asked softly, trying not to sound too anxious. He was immediately relieved when Castiel gave a small disinterested shrug, "We went on a couple dates. He's a nice guy and all. Just not really my type." "How so?" Dean asked, trying not to jump up and down like a giddy little school girl. He doesn't like him. He doesn't like him. Cass snorted and rolled his eyes, "He's perfect. All sunshine and rainbows.always fucking happy. Happy childhood, perfect parents, ivy league school, a job he loves, well adjusted, never a bad mood, never says a bad word, never makes a mistake, ugh." "That doesn't actually sound that bad, Cass," Dean frowned. "Yeah well, it's irritating," Cass glanced at him. "He never even has a bad hair day. Nobody should be that perfect. He's probably got a damn unicorn for a pet." At that Dean burst out laughing and Castiel joined in. "Poor fella. He never stood a chance did he?" "No," Castiel agreed with a smile. "I guess I like my men kinda angsty and fucked up." Then he cast a meaningful look in Dean's direction and Dean's heart fluttered in his chest. My Cass. My Cass. MyCassCassCassCassCass. .. Present Day

The next morning Dean was able to, with a tiny bit of begging, haul Castiel out of his house and out to an early lunch. It was a success in Dean's book because Castiel ate a whole meal and Dean even managed to get him to smile a little. When he mentioned dinner, however, Cass firmly declined. Dean guessed that was for the best. The last two dinners hadn't ended great. Well the second one had, at least for a little while, before spiraling into disaster. Maybe daytime 'dates' were best for now, until Castiel was feeling more comfortable. It would also help Dean to resist the temptation to push for more than friendship. He had to admit it was a constant struggle. Maybe if they hadn't already slept together it would be easier, but whenever Castiel was in touching distance Dean replayed that night in his head the good part anyway. He settled for dragging Cass to an afternoon movie, making sure to pick some dumb action flick with lots of explosions and no romance. Castiel wasn't that into it, but Dean thought Cass needed to get out of the house and besides he just liked being with the guy. If this is all he could have, then he would take it. But through the whole movie he had an urge to put his arm around his ex or to try to sneak a quick kiss just as he'd done when they were teenagers. He also had to restrain himself all day from calling Castiel 'baby' and had to constantly remind his eager heart that he was not Castiel's boyfriend anymore no matter how much it felt that way. Then after the film they stopped off for coffee and it got worse. Castiel managed to get a little foam on the side of his mouth and Dean had an ungodly urge to lean in and lick it off. He controlled himself, though, and managed to tell Cass to wipe his face in a voice that didn't belie the wave of lust washing over him. He was pretty proud of himself because he stayed on his best behavior the whole time they were together. Whenever he got an inappropriate urge he just kept repeating in his head 'just friends be a good friend he needs a friend'. It was around 4:30 when they finally made it back to Cass' place and as Dean pulled up he felt a lump form in his throat. It had been kind of a date. Usually this part of the date is where the kissing came in. Now he was at a loss for how to say goodbye and when he turned off the engine he just sat there rather dumbly. Cass must have felt the same because he didn't say anything either, simply sitting there looking down at his hands. "Well," Castiel finally said. "Thanks for lunch." "Yeah sure," Dean replied, looking toward the house. "You gonna.uh.you gonna stay in this evening?" "Probably," Castiel said quietly. "Well Andy and Chuck mentioned going to get some beers if you want to-" Castiel shook his head quickly and answered, "No. Not really my thing." Dean turned to him with a furrowed brow and said, "You know your friends miss you, Cass. Andy, Chuck, Samthey all keep talking about how you never hang out anymore." "It's a lot of people, Dean. Not really up for it. Don't have the energy," Castiel said quietly, avoiding his eyes. Dean eyed him cautiously. He had to treat this with kid gloves. He didn't want to spook Cass. "You keep saying that. You don't have the energybut these are your friends. They understand you're not

feeling so great. They don't expect you to be a barrel of laughs. You don't need energy with them. And I.I think it would be good for you." Castiel stared at him for a moment. Dean could see that he was very tired and his eyes had that dull, lifeless look again. He blinked a couple times as though he were trying to get what Dean was saying through his brain and then responded, "Not tonight. I'm sorry it's just-" "Hey, hey," Dean rushed to assure him, "You don't have to explain. I want to help. I don't mean to push you. It's just if you don't ever try to get back in the world it won't, you knowget better." "I know," Castiel nodded. "Just not tonight." "Okay," Dean sighed. As Castiel opened the door, he turned and grabbed his arm. "Will you come tomorrow night? Please? I won't give you a hard time about tonight if you'll just promise to come to the party." Castiel looked doubtful for a moment but Dean assured him tenderly, "I'll be right there with you. I'll look after you, Cassie. I promise." Finally Castiel nodded, "Okay, I will." Dean beamed and let go of him so he could get out of the car. Then before he shut the door Dean added, "And Cass?" "Yeah?" "If you need to talk about.about anything.I'm.well you can talk to me. It's okay." The man nodded once and then shut the door. Dean was thrilled Castiel had agreed to come to the party. Being patient and giving Castiel the space he needed was paying off. Little by little he was letting Dean in. That never would have happened if Dean had kept pushing his way full force back into Cass' life. And Cass never needed to know how Dean went home and jerked off in the shower to fantasies of him that night. Hell, he wasn't a saint.and what his baby didn't know wouldn't hurt him. . Nine and A Half Years Ago "What the hell do you mean, Gordon?" Dean demanded furiously. The older man sighed and said, "Look, I'm sorry. It's not up to me. If it was I'd never let you go, Dean. You're a damn fine worker. It's just well since the rumor got started we've had some complaints." "What complaints?" Dean growled. "From who?"

"You know I can't tell you who. But there's been some issues about sharing the locker room with you, the showers, you know," Gordon said and he actually seemed embarrassed to have to deliver the news. Dean should have been grateful for the understanding but he was too damn livid. "Then I'll stay out of the locker room! And I'll shower at home!" "Dean, Mr. Macinaw is really old school. So are some of the other upper managementI just.I'm sorry." "Goddammit Gordon," Dean snarled. "This is fucking 1999not the GODDAMN 50s!" Gordon finally got fed up with Dean's tone of voice and barked defensively, "Don't you lecture me about prejudice kid! You think I don't get how screwed up this situation is? Hell, I'm the only black man in this town who wears a fucking tie to work. And half the guys who work under me think I only got this job so Mr. Macinaw wouldn't get sued.not because I went to Virginia Tech and graduated the top of my class , not because I spent 12 years in the Army developing the new equipment delivery systems they're now use all over the fucking worldbut because of affirmative action. Call me nigger under their breathcall me boy. So don't get on your high horse with me Dean. I. Am. Not. Firing. You. THEY ARE! Those sons of bitches are doing it and I can't do anything to stop it! So don't shoot the messenger because you and I are in the same boat, man." "Except you still have a job," Dean grunted, but his fire was gone. Gordon had a point. He'd had to put up with the shit Dean was dealing with for a week for his entire life. That's how it was in Moss Point. It wasn't Gordon who was screwing him overit was that old redneck Macinaw and his 'old boy system'. "No I don't," Gordon said softly. "What?" Dean frowned. "I quit," Gordon told him matter-of-factly, leaning back in his chair. "Told him I wasn't firing a good man to satisfy a bunch of bigots. Then I quit. Soon as you leave I'll be packing up my office and taking off too. The only reason I'm still here is because I wanted to be the one to tell youdidn't want one of Macinaw's ignorant hick lackeys giving you a hard time." "Jesus, Gordon," Dean breathed out. He was shocked the guy had gone out on a limb for him like that. He had always been a good worker, and this wasn't fair, but Gordon had a mortgage to pay and kids to feed and for him to walk away from the best paying job a black man could get in this town was huge. "I'm sorry. I didn't want that." "Not your fault," Gordon shrugged. "This was my choice. When I was a kid my dad told me that you always had to do the right thing, no matter what it costs. Otherwise you're not worth a damn.cut doing the right thing only when it's easy doesn't mean shit. I always try to remember that." "Well thanks for trying. Wish it hadn't come to that," Dean said sincerely and Gordon nodded. He felt horrible the guy had quit. He didn't want that on his account. Why couldn't people just live and let live? They didn't have to like Dean.or Cass.or Gordon for that matter. But why couldn't they just leave them be. They weren't hurting anyone. I hate this fucking town. It's almost over. Almost over. We can go away.

Dean said his goodbyes and headed out to his car. He saw one of Macinaw's lackeys, Jonas Carroll, giving him a smug, satisfied smile but ignored it. Any other time he'd beat the shit out of the guy, but now he was just exhausted. After week of constant harassment from his own peers and trying to soothe things over for Cass he'd just hit the fucking wall. He didn't have the strength to fight anymore. He just wanted to go home where it was safe and crawl into bed. On his way he had to pass by the old Baptist church out on Route 9 and he almost drove into a ditch when the sign caught his eye. There under 'Sermon For This Week' were the words 'The Lesson of Sodom and Gomorrah'. What the fuck? Oh you sick son of a bitch, he thought in disgust. Dean knew it was no coincidence. He knew the pastor of that particular church to be a self-righteous narrow minded bastard who liked to 'rip his sermons from the headlines' like he was Law and fucking Order. There was no doubt in Dean's mind that the rumor mill was his source of inspiration for the week. It wasn't totally unexpected either. Dean had already heard a few people whisper about how he was going to hell. Generally he just ignored that sort of thing but the fact that Reverend Marks who everyone knew to be cheating on his wife in a whorehouse in Sampson every Thursday night was throwing stones had to take the fucking cake. With a heavy heart he drove back to his house. John was working over in Carteret at some warehouse and wouldn't get home for hours, thank God. Dean wasn't up for dealing with him today. Instead he said a quick hello to Sam who was lounging on the couch watching television and headed straight to his bed to collapse. After a few minutes of lying there wondering if Rufus had room for him on his crew he decided to check in on Castiel and reached for the phone. After a couple of rings he heard Ellen's voice on the other end of the line, "Hello?" Dean sat up quickly, "Ellen? Is everything okay? Why are you-" Ellen chuckled light-heartedly, "Everything's fine honey. Cassie just wanted some company and besides, I needed to try out my new chicken marsala recipe out on someone. He's volunteered to be my guinea pig." Dean was relieved when Cass got on the phone a minute later sounding cheerful, "Hey, did you get off early?" "Uh-yeah," Dean answered quickly. He didn't want Cass to know what happened at the factory yet. The boy sounded like he was in a good mood for the first time in a week. Besides, Dean didn't want to break the news until he had another job to replace the one he'd lost. It was half a matter of pride and half because Cass was a worrier. Eventually he'd figure it out of course, but not today. Dean didn't have the energy for it today. "Wasn't feeling good so I begged off." "Are you sick?" Castiel asked quickly and Dean smiled a little when he pictured the cute little frown of concern on Cass' face. Dean loved Castiel's doting ways.probably cuz Cass was the only one who had ever doted on him. "No baby," he assured his boyfriend. "Just a bad migraine. Think it's the weather." "You need me to "

"No Cass," Dean assured him. "Just enjoy your lunch. I'm gonna take a nap and I'll call you later alright?" "Okay if you're sure," Castiel agreed hesitantly. "Definitely." After they hung up, the weight of the last week finally landed on Dean with both feet. He was suddenly too tired to move. He just lay there a few more minutes thinking about Gordon and Reverend Marks and everything else until he drifted off into a restless, nightmare filled sleep. He slept through the dinner Sam made them and didn't wake up until John came banging on his bedroom door, drunk and looking for a fight. Present Day Dean was getting nervous. An hour into the party and no Cass. He hit the speed dial on his cell one more time. This is it dude. This is five calls now. Last one or you'll end up looking like a desperate bitch. "Hey Dean?" Sam smiled, coming into the kitchen. "Uh yeah?" Dean asked as he hung up having gotten Castiel's voicemail once again. "Thanks," Sam told him with a biggest, most sincere grin Dean had ever seen. "This turned out so great and everyone is having the best time. I really appreciate it man." Dean momentarily forgot his own problems and gave Sam a half hug, "It's alright dude. I owed you one." "Oh yeah?" Sam teased. "You think this makes us even?" Dean laughed, "Okay, maybe not even. But it's a start." "Well I'll tell you what you can do next," Sam smirked suspiciously. "Uhm.do I want to know?' "You can promise to be here for my wedding." "Sammy, of course I will," Dean assured him. Sam cocked an eyebrow doubtfully, "Yeah? Not gonna take off on me?" "No way, man," Dean shook his head. "I'm staying here. I uh I called Rufus this morning and accepted the job." "Seriously?" Sam exclaimed and nearly jumped up and down in glee.

"Seriously. I'm here to stay," Dean confirmed. He'd decided that late last night. However things ended working out for them in the romance department, Castiel needed him here. He needed someone he could depend on now that Deacon was gone; and Dean was determined to be that person. He was determined to be a part of Castiel's life in whatever capacity Cass' would have him, even if it was friendship. And if that meant Dean leading a life of quiet desperation silently pining over his best friend well then so be it. Besides, Dean got the feeling that maybe Sam needed him around too. Yeah, the kid had his shit together and he had Jess; but for too long Sam had been on his own without family to watch his back and that just wasn't right. They were brothers. They belonged together. Just one more example of how much being around Sam and Castiel brought out the better man in him. For the first time in years, it was about someone else.it was about what the people he loved needed. Period. Sam swept him into a bone crushing hug and Dean laughed, "You're not gonna cry are you?" "Shut up dude," Sam choked out in a ragged whisper so Dean did. About fifteen minutes later, while Sam and Jess were entertaining their guests out back, Dean started to worry. Cass was still not answering his phone after the seventh call. Okay, so I'm a desperate bitch. Whatever. Now why the fuck isn't he picking up? He was getting very concerned for Castiel's well being now. It wasn't like the man just not to answer or show up. And he was depressed. And he had seemed really down when No, no, no dude. Stop thinking that, Dean tried to reassure himself even as he headed to the door, keys in hand, hell bent on making sure the man was okay. He grabbed his jacket and threw open the front door only to find"Cass," Dean cried. "Hey," Castiel greeted him with a sheepish smile. "Sorry I'm late. Are you going somewhere?" "Huh?" Dean asked suddenly dumbstruck with a mix of relief and lust. Castiel looked hot. No, not hot. Hawwwwt. He was dressed for the occasion in slacks and a tie, his normally wild hair combed down and gelled to keep it in some kind of order. Dean couldn't remember the last time he'd seen Cass dressed up. Maybe graduation. "Are you-" "No," Dean shook his head. "Just coming out to get some air." "Oh," Castiel said quietly with a nod. "Come on in," Dean grabbed him and dragged him in the house. "But I thought you were going outside," Castiel protested.

"Naw, screw that. Rather be in here with you," Dean said giddily and for once he didn't give a shit that he was obviously eager and happy to see Castiel. Castiel blushed a little and ducked his head but at least he didn't seem put off by Dean's excitement. "You look - you look great, Cass," Dean gulped. Castiel chuckled self consciously, "Thanks, it's a I don't usually get dressed up but considering the occasion. I'm not overdressed am I?" "No, no, no," Dean quickly assured him. "You're perfect! I mean uh you look perfect." Again he was rewarded with a shy grin as he took Cass' overcoat and hung it on the rack. Then the man held up a small bag and said, "I brought them a gift." "Aw, man that's awesome. They're out in the back yard if you wanna head on out I'll fix you a drink," Dean offered. "Okay," Castiel nodded. "Scotch and soda?" "You got it," and once again he managed not to add 'baby' at the end as Castiel headed off towards the back of the house. For a moment Dean just stood there admiring the view until Cass disappeared through the back door. "Hey." Startled, Dean swung around to find Kit had appeared out of nowhere and had been admiring the view as well. "Hey Kit," Dean grumbled and headed toward the kitchen with the man hot on his heels. "Glad to see he finally showed up." "Yeah," Dean said half heartedly. Damn Kit ruining his moment. "You want a drink?" "No I'm good," Kit waved his hands and leaned against the counter watching as Dean fixed Castiel's drink. Damn dude what do you want? Go away. "So you and Cass are you uhm are you dating?" Yes. Yes! He's mine mine mine! Stay away from him! Dean's mind screamed. Respecting Castiel's wishes, however, he answered aloud, "We're just friends." Then after a moment's thought he added, "We used to be together." "Oh, got it. So you're his ex," Kit said nodding his head as if he had a fucking clue what he was talking about which only served to piss Dean off. To reduce the ten years he and Castiel had together to 'so you're his ex' was a slap in the face. Then the bastard had the nerve to offhandedly throw in, "Yeah he and I dated for a little while too."

Oh hell no motherfucker! You are not comparing your two little dates to the love of my fucking life! He doesn't even like you! He loves me! For one moment Dean considered hauling off and punching the guy on sheer principle. Then he remembered where he was and that Kit was Jess' friend and managed to restrain himself, though he was grinding his teeth so hard his jaw would probably be locked up in the morning. Fortunately Kit decided the conversation was over. Or maybe that was not so fortunate cuz Dean got the feeling the guy was only coming in to check if Castiel was fair game so he could make a move on him. But at least now he was out of punching distance. Dean finished Cass' drink and was on his way outside when the caterer stopped him to ask five million questions. He wouldn't have minded except he could see through the window that Kit had made a beeline to Castiel's side and was obviously turning on the charm. So the whole time Dean was trying to answer the lady's questions he was craning his neck to look over her head and keep an eye on the pair. Finally he couldn't take it anymore and mumbled to the lady, "Fine, whatever you want. I trust your judgment" then pushed past her to run out the door. Seconds later he came to a screeching halt by Castiel's side. Cass turned to him a little stunned at his sudden appearance, "Hey." "Hey," Dean replied, trying not to sound out of breath. Kit bit his lip and with a hint of disappointment in his voice said, "Hey Dean." Dean ignored him and grabbed Castiel's elbow. "You hungry? I'll show you where the banquet table is set up." By this time Kit was shooting daggers at him but Dean didn't give a shit because he could see relief and gratitude shining in Castiel's eyes. He was happy Dean had come to his rescue and that made all kinds of warm fuzziness spread through Dean's chest. Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah Kit! He wants to get away from you! He likes me better! Oh my God when did I turn into a twelve year old? "Sure, I'm starving," Castiel smiled then threw a look over his shoulder as Dean led him away. "It was good to see you Kit. Talk to you later." Then under his breath he whispered to Dean, "Thank you." Nine and A Half Years Ago "You open this goddamn door you little son of a bitch!" John shrieked as he pounded on the door, ripping Dean from sleep. Mind half muddled from sleep Dean stumbled to the door and unlocked, only to be thrown back by the force of it flying open as John pushed it open. He landed on the bed but was back on his feet in an instant when he saw the drunken anger flashing in John's eyes. Not now. Not today, goddammit. I can't do this today, Dean whine inwardly. Not in my own house. I'm supposed to be safe in my own fucking house. To John he snarled, "What the fuck do you want?"

Over John's shoulder he could see Sam hovering by the door, wide eyed and worried. Years ago he would have yelled for Sam to go to his room to spare him the inevitable fight that was about to happen, but Sam was nearly grown now, and tough as nails. He didn't have any more illusions about the state of their family. "Where the hell were you last night, huh?" John growled. "You think you can just stay out all night like this is some kind of goddamn hotel?" Dean wasn't playing this game anymore. He was grown. He was fucking well grown and he'd had enough of kowtowing to his father's mood swings. "Yeah, I do! I pay half the fucking rent here and I'm a grown man! I'll do what I want!" Dean screamed and for one instant John actually looked shocked. It had been years since Dean had taken a stand so forceful as this and the last one had ended in bloodshed and John under the constant scrutiny of the county sheriff. Dean could see for a second his common sense warring with the liquor muddling his brain and had a small spark of hope that John might back off. Unfortunately, the liquor won in the end. John hauled off and decked Dean so hard he staggered back a few steps screaming, "You been off all night doing disgusting things with that little freak haven't you?" "Don't call him that!" Dean screamed as he spit blood out of his mouth and rushed John, knocking him into the wall. Even as his blood was boiling, somewhere deep inside there was a scared, hurting boy who'd only ever wanted his father's love and approval begging, please daddy, don't be like them, don't you turn on me too. It was only a childish wish. Dean understood it would never come true and that knowledge was more painful than any punch John could throw. "I'll call him anything I want you goddamn sodomite! He's a crippled little freak whose mama is so goddamn crazy she should never have been allowed to breed" John shouted, hatred and disgusted written all over his face as he landed another hit, this one so hard it threw Dean to the ground. Slumped at the end of the bed, Dean braced himself for another blow but nothing came. Dazed by his father's freight train of a right hook it took him a moment to realize John was yelling again.except not at him. "Get off me! Get the fuck off me! What the hell are you doing?" Recovering from the punch, Dean turned and saw Sam with his huge meat hooks wrapped firmly around his father's arms, holding him back. He looked pissed. Hell, the kid looked furious, like he could kill John himself if the man gave him an excuse. "You're not gonna hit him again, Dad!" "Don't defend him Sam! You don't even know what he is!" John shrieked maniacally, thrown for a complete loop by the fact that his younger, obedient son had finally turned the tables on him. "What he is is my brother you son of a bitch! And he didn't do anything wrong! HE'S NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG IN HIS WHOLE LIFE! "

"Sammy," Dean choked out and realized he was tearing up. Goddamn little Sammy, the only person in this town he could count on anymore. His baby brother was standing up for him against their tyrant of a father. Dean would never forget that moment if he lived to be a hundred and twelve. John ruined the moment of course by yelling, "He's a faggot! He's a goddamn faggot, Sam! Don't you know he was out all night fucking some sick little gimp!" And with that Sam let go of his father, turned him around, and threw a punch so violent it sent John reeling into a wall. John slumped to the floor, passed out, and Sam wheeled around to help Dean back to his feet. "I'm sorry," he whispered as he dragged Dean up. "I don't know why he always treats you that way. I'm so sorry." "No Sammy," Dean muttered. "Don't you apologize for him. It's not your fault." Then he grabbed a duffle from the corner and started shoving clothes in. "What are you doing?" Sam asked panicked. Dean turned to him with utter sorrow in his eyes, "I can't do this anymore Sam. I tried. I really tried to stay til you went away to college but I can't these people they just this town I I" He was unable to finish, his body trembling with rage. Sam grabbed his shoulders to steady him and answered, "I know, man. Just.just go." "Yeah? You'll be alright?" Dean asked hopefully. Sam was giving him an out. He was letting Dean off the hook. Sam nodded firmly and choked out, "I love you so much, Dean. You did so much for me. And I'm gonna miss you like hell..but it's your turn now. It's your time to have what you want. Just go." One quick hug and a promise to call and Dean was out the door, shoving as many of his belongings as he could into the trunk of the car. All he had to do now was go pick up Cass. It was time. They were getting the fuck out of this town tonight. Dean refused to have to look any of these sons of bitches in the eye again. No more shame. No more bigotry. No more getting treated like he was white trash. He was done. He had just one stop to make on his way to Cass'. He had to say goodbye to Deacon and explain that he was taking Cass away. Present Day "So you want fried chicken or roast beef or-," Dean asked motioning to the table of food. "Not really hungry," Castiel admitted sheepishly. "I just wanted to get away from Kit." Dean chuckled lightly, "Yeah, I kinda noticed." "Thanks for the rescue," Castiel smiled making Dean's heart do weird things in his chest. "I think he was about to ask me out."

Turning a bit red he mumbled, "Sure, no problem." "I feel kinda guilty about it. He's nice and all. And I don't want to offend him seeing as he's Jess' friend and works with my mom but-" "Not your type," Dean finished for him with a knowing grin. "No sunshine and rainbows for you right?" "Right," Castiel grinned. Then a shadow crossed his face and in his eyes Dean saw some deeper, buried emotion focused right at him. Dean could swear it was longing. "He's not what I want." Oh God. No fair. Cass wasn't playing fair. How could he expect Dean to not grab him and kiss the hell out of him when he was looking at Dean that way, when his words were laced with innuendo. And when he was wearing a goddamn suit. "Cass," Dean choked. "Hey Cass, great to see you out!" Shit! Not now Chuck! "Hey Chuck," Castiel greeted him with a smile but Dean thought, or maybe just hoped, that there was a flicker of disappointment on Castiel's face as well. He didn't have a chance to dwell on it because Andy was right behind Chuck and pretty soon they were surrounded by people who were happy to see Cass out and about. Dean was a bit surprised, hadn't realized that Castiel's recent health problem was known throughout town. But then it was a small town. Dean had forgotten what that was like, how everyone knew your business and word spread like wildfire. Thankfully, this was a positive experience just a lot of good friends wishing him well and asking after his well being. It was touching, really; but Dean could tell that Castiel was a bit unnerved. He'd always been a bit on the shy side and Dean got the feeling the depression thing was kind of embarrassing for him. The sudden onslaught of 'how are you doing', 'my sister had the same thing', 'oh honey I know the best doctor for that' 'have you tried changing your diet' was too much for Castiel. He never had cared to be the center of attention. It started with him fidgeting uncomfortably and ducking his head a lot. Then he kept trying to change the subject back to Sam and Jess' engagement. And finally he resorted to just clinging to Dean which was kinda awesome. Castiel slipped under his arm and Dean happily held him close. Whenever someone came up Dean tried to lead the conversation away from Castiel, and the man snuggled gratefully against his side, slipping on arm around Dean's stomach and looking up at him intently as he talked. It felt like they were a couple again and Dean was sure that other people must assume they were by Castiel's behavior. It occurred to him this was the first time they'd ever in their whole lives acted like a couple in public. Even if they weren't. Castiel had once told him that there were more good people in this town than bad and that most people accepted them as they were. Dean hadn't believed it at the time but then his view had been a bit skewed back in those days. Now it seemed Castiel had been right all along and Dean was thrilled. No one even batted an eye as he kept Castiel close and made a fuss over him. With Cass at his side and such a warm reception Dean felt welcomed and joyous and like he'd truly come home. This night couldn't last too long as far as he was concerned.

But after about forty five minutes, Cass was getting run down by all the attention. He was more sagging against Dean rather than leaning, and his eyes were beginning to take on that dull, fatigued look again. Now when someone asked a question he didn't bother trying to keep up with the conversation, instead reverting to one word answers or nods and shrugs. Dean turned his head and whispered against Castiel's ear, "Wanna go inside?" Castiel nodded his head tiredly and Dean made their apologies to Chuck and Rufus before leading Cass towards the house. They ran into Ellen at the door. She took one look at Dean's arm around Castiel and cocked her eyebrow. "He's tired," Dean explained, trying to sound innocent. He was innocent. Castiel started the whole leaning, snuggling thing. Ellen frowned in concern, "Feeling bad, Cassie?" Castiel shook his head and gestured back toward the festivities, "It's just a lot " "I know honey," Ellen smiled. "At least you're trying. Of course, it would probably help if you'd just take the medi-" Castiel sighed, "I know, I know." "Okay," Ellen cut him off with a smirk. They had obviously had this discussion many times before. "I'll drop it for tonight since you're wore out. But only for tonight." Castiel nodded and Dean led him into the house keeping his arm firmly around Castiel's shoulders until they were upstairs in his bedroom. Cass plopped down on the bed flat on his back with a loud 'oomph' Then he frowned. Then his eyes kinda bugged out of his head. "Cass, what?" Dean asked with sudden concern. "Did we just go through a time machine?" Castiel cocked his head goofily as he cast his eyes around the room. Dean burst out laughing as he looked at the old decor, "Yeah weird huh? Sam didn't change it at all." Castiel grinned, "I feel like we're back in high school." "Yeah," Dean smirked, leaning over the bed and brushing Castiel's hair gently away from his eyes. His tangled mop had gone wild again, because even the best pomade could only stand up for so long against Castiel's cowlicks of doom. He froze when he saw the sensual glint in Castiel's eye. Oh shit. The warmth that had been spreading through his body all night with Castiel at his side now landed decidedly in his groin. Then Cass grabbed his hand and tugged him down to the bed and the slow building heat flared into a wildfire.

"Cass," Dean gasped as Castiel began nuzzling at his neck and trying to get his shirt off. "Mmm, baby." After that there was silence as Dean plundered Castiel's mouth while simultaneously stripping himself of his shirt. Then Cass' hands were on him again, warm and tender as they slid around his neck and tangled in his hair. Dean pulled back and gazed into his eyes. "I love you so much baby, I missed you so damn much. This is what I came back for. You," Dean breathed before moving in to take Castiel's mouth again. He was so wrapped up in the taste and closeness of Castiel that it took him a second to realize that Cass had stopped tugging him closer and seemed to be trying to push him away. Yanking back he asked gingerly, "What? What is it baby?" To his utter bewilderment, Castiel looked suddenly terrified and was wriggling to get free, "I can't. I'm sorry, Dean. I know I started it but but I can't!" With a solid thrust he pushed Dean up off him and jumped out of the bed. Dean watched dumbfounded as Castiel reeled around the room before realizing he'd just been mindfucked again. "Cass! What the hell? You can't keep doing this to me!" he shouted angrily. Castiel's spun to face him with the biggest, saddest eyes Dean had ever seen. "I know. I'm so sorry. Oh God Dean I'm sorry. I didn't mean to start this and I just I am so sorry." He looked like he was about to burst into tears and Dean felt a pang of compassion ripping through his gut. He took a deep breath and tried to pushed down his frustration. "Cass, look. I'll do whatever you want. You wanna be friends we can be friends. But you can't demand I behave myself and then keep throwing yourself at me. That's not fair! You have to tell me what you want, baby. You can have anything you want but you have to tell me what that is and stop messing with my goddamn head!" "I know," Castiel nodded wildly. "I know and I I'm trying to be your friend Dean. I am." "You don't want to be just friends," Dean nodded and grabbed Castiel's hand. "Do you?" Castiel bit his lip and looked down at their joined hands. Then he shook his mop head and admitted, "No." Dean leaned in a bit and said carefully, "You want us to be together." This time Castiel only nodded. He still wouldn't look Dean in the eye. Didn't matter. Dean was relieved. This is what he'd wanted all along. This is what he'd come for dammit. It would be easy now that Castiel had told him the truth, "Well then we can-" "No!" Castiel's head snapped up. He sounded angry but it was fear Dean recognized in his eyes even as he growled once more, "No."

With that he yanked out of Dean's grasp and bolted from the room. Dean stood there stunned and reeling until he heard the front door slam just seconds later. Nine and Half Years Ago He banged on the farmhouse door furiously until he saw the kitchen light flick on. A second later the door was flung open by a sleep disheveled sheriff with wide, worried eyes. "Dean!" "Hey Deacon," Dean mumbled and pushed his way inside. "Gotta talk to you." "What the hell happened to you?" Deacon demanded as he eyed Dean's face. Oh hell, the bruises. Of course John had left bruises on him along with a fat swollen lip. "You're father did this didn't he?" "Yeah but it's not important now," Dean tried to interrupt. "The hell it's not!" Deacon raged. "I'm locking him up this time, Dean. Don't bother trying to talk me out of it." "No, no, no, no," Dean shook his head. Behind the sheriff he saw Ellen come down the stairs tying up her robe. "Look, it doesn't matter anymore. I'm leaving. I'm leaving town tonight! I'm getting the hell out." "What?" Ellen asked. "What about Castiel? You're just gonna abandon him?" "No! I'd never do that! I'm " Dean said raggedly, "I'm taking him with me!" Ellen's expression went from concern to obstinacy in a second, "No you're not Dean." "Yes I am!" he shouted with more volume and force than he'd intended to direct at her. He couldn't help it. She wasn't gonna stand in his way. Nothing was going to stand in his and Cass' way. "Dean you can't just drag that boy from his home and the people who love him because-" Ellen began but Dean lost track of what she was saying when he glimpsed Deacon rooting around in the cans on top of the refrigerator for something. "Ellen," Dean pleaded. "I'll take care of him. This is what he wants too and I'll take care of him." "How can you be so sure?" she crossed her arms and cocked an eyebrow doubtfully. "We always planned too, just not like this. He was gonna-" "Here," Deacon interrupted suddenly shoving a wad of cash into his hands. "Wha-what-" "Just promise me you'll make sure he goes to college, Dean."

"Deacon!" Ellen cried. He spun around and looked at her, "I know it's hard, sweetheart. I'll miss him too, but Castiel needs to get out of this town. There's a better life for him out there." Then he turned to Dean and repeated, "I want you to get him out." Dean was still too stunned to speak staring down dumbly at the massive wad of bills in his hand. Finally he stammered, "I can't take this I I'll earn my own way I'll-" Deacon firmly shook his head and closed Dean's fingers around the cash, "You take it to help you and Cass get set up somewhere." "No Deacon, you can't just send Castiel-" "Ellen, please!" Deacon begged. "Just I'm doing this for Cass. Otherwise he'll never get away from his mother. He'll never go to school!" Ellen bit her lip and looked like she wanted to protest. Instead she just nodded silently and worked on holding back the tears welling up in her eyes. Dean felt a twist of guilt in his gut. This might be what he and Castiel had dreamed of but for the first time he realized that it also meant taking away the only child Deacon and Ellen would ever have the sweet, haunted boy they loved more than life. Then Deacon grabbed him by the shoulders and looked him deep in the eye, "Just promise me you'll take care of him Dean. And swear you'll make sure he'll go to school." Dean nodded solemnly and answered, "I swear." For one second Deacon looked like he might cry too; but instead the stoic sheriff straightened his shoulders and gave Dean a final nod. "Tell him to call every once in a while. So we know he's okay." Dean thanked them profusely and said a quick goodbye. Had he known that was the last time he'd see Deacon alive he would have given the sheriff a hug. He would have thanked him for a lot more than the two thousand dollars. He would have told Deacon how much he meant to him. Hell, he probably wouldn't have left town at all. Castiel was sitting on the front porch steps when Dean screeched to a halt in front of his house ten minutes later. Ellen must have called ahead and told him to start packing. God bless her, Dean thought; but as he jumped out of the car and approached the stoop he noticed there weren't any bags there and Castiel was blinking up at him with enormous, sorrowful eyes. He immediately knelt down in front of Castiel and grabbed his shoulders. "Baby what? What's wrong? Did someone do something-" "I can't leave," Castiel whispered hoarsely and then flinched, as if he was expecting Dean to hit him.

"What?" Dean asked because that was the only word that would come out of his mouth. His brain was having trouble catching up. It was as though the boy was speaking a foreign language that Dean couldn't quite translate. We're leaving, he thought, and Castiel is saying 'I can't leave'. What does that mean? "Dean," Castiel breathed looking up at him apologetically and finally it kicked in. He's saying no. He's saying no! His head finally got it, but his heart wasn't listening. Dean bitchfaced at him and hoisted him to his feet, "Of course you can. We're going tonight. Now come on let's get your stuff." "No, Dean," Castiel tried to twist around out of his arms but his hip didn't let him maneuver that well and Dean held on tight. He still refused to listen to Cass' protests and actually started trying to wrestle him into the house, ignoring his pleas to let him go. He was too overwrought to pay attention to what he was doing though, and accidentally slammed Castiel's leg into the doorjamb as he tried to get them through. "Aaack!" Castiel cried in pain and Dean immediately let go, stunned at his own lack of care. "Oh Jesus, Cass, I'm so sorry. You okay?" Cass just nodded and clenched his jaw, leaning against the doorframe until the wave of pain passed. Dean rubbed his back gently and kept apologizing over and over. Finally Castiel recovered and turned to face him again. Dean avoided the words he was dreading by jumping in, "I know we were gonna wait til you got accepted to school but we can't. We've got to get out of this fucking town now. Just bring your applications and when we've gotten set up somewhere we'll-" "I don't want to leave!" Castiel shouted and Dean's great wall of denial finally crumbled. He staggered back like he'd been struck and stammered, "But but this was our dream running away so we could have a new life somewhere far away from -" Castiel sighed and limped toward him, reaching out a hand to stroke his cheek, "That was your dream. It was always your dream. Mine waswell the only dream I ever had was to be with you. I thought eventually you'd change your mind and we could just buy a house here and-" "But you hate this town as much as I do!" Dean screamed yanking back from Castiel's touch. No, no, no. This is not the way it's supposed to happen. Castiel isn't acting like he's supposed to. He's supposed to jump into the car smiling and excited and then we drive off into the sunset and live happily ever after! "I never hated this town," Castiel shook his head trying to explain. "This is my home. I love it here. All the people I love are here. And my grandfather's store. It's important to me." "This town is full of nothing but assholes and bigots goddammit!" Dean shouted incredulously. He couldn't believe this.

"No it isn't!" Castiel bitchfaced at him. "Most of the people here are nice, Dean. So what if Ruby's a bitch and there's a few bigots. So what if a few people have been giving us a hard time for a week. It'll pass.and most of the people here care about us and accept us." "No they don't! No they don't!" Dean cried. How dare Castiel take their fucking side! "I got fired today! Fuckin' Macinaw fired me for being a cocksucker, Cass! How is that being accepted?" "That's one person," Castiel pleaded. "Come on Dean, there's plenty of other jobs and Ruby will get bored and the town will move on and - please." "What about college, Cass? You're supposed to go to school. You're too smart not too!" "I could go to community college in Carteret," Castiel offered weakly. Then he finally admitted, "I never cared about school Dean. I just wanted to run the store. It's all my best memories are there with Max." Dean frowned, "What are you asking me to do? I can't go home! My father attacked me! Called me a sodomite! I won't go back there, Cass. I can't!" "You can live here," Castiel grabbed his arm and hung on desperately, pleading like his life depended on it. "Mom doesn't care. She won't even know. We can live together just like we always planned and people will get over it and " Dean gritted his teeth and crossed his arms. He was past his confusion and had moved well into anger. Castiel had lied to him.all these years. Since he was eleven years old the only thing he'd had faith in was Castiel. Now the boy was standing here, looking him in the eye and saying it was all a lie, saying that everything Dean had been counting on and wishing for was an illusionjust something Cass had said to make him happy. He was disgusted. "I can't stay here, Cass. I'm leaving. Now are you getting in the fucking car or not?" Castiel tried to hold on to Dean but he shook the boy off. With tears running down his face Cass begged, "Please, please don't ask me to choose. My mom needs me. And my grandfather's store and.and Ellen and Deacon." "They want you to leave!" Dean barked. "They think this is best for you!" "Well it's not! This is my home it could be our home. I just want to stay here and run my grandpa's store and hang out with Chuck and all our friends and and - and not Ruby or Ansem or anyone else is gonna force me to leave behind all the things I love!" "Including me," Dean said plainly. "Please, please Dean," Castiel voice was coming out in choked, hitching breaths. "Please just try, please don't go. Please Dean because I can't." For the first time in his life he was unmoved by Castiel's tears. He was too damn furious. All these yearsall these fucking yearsit was all a lie. Telling Dean what he wanted to hear to keep him happy. And all the while Castiel intended to stay here with these people.

"Then why don't you try for me, Cass huh? Why don't you just trust me to take care of you and get in the fucking car?" Castiel gaped at him for a moment as it dawned on him that Dean was leaving with or without him and no amount of begging would work. Apparently, Dean was not the only one whose dream had just been crushed. Then he hung his head and said softly, "Even if I wanted too I can't. My mom needs me Dean. I won't abandon her." "So that's your decision then," Dean nodded wildly, rage flashing in his eyes. Castiel nodded and burst into tears, refusing to look up at him. "You're a coward," Dean spat. Cass' head snapped up, "Wha-what?" "You're a coward a weak, sniveling coward Cass. You don't want to leave cuz you're afraid to have a real life. You're hiding behind your mother as an excuse!" Even as it came out of his mouth, Dean knew it wasn't true. He'd seen the conviction in Castiel's eyes. He really did love this town. He really did want to set up house with Dean here, white picket fence and his granddaddy's store and his crazy mama and all. To Cass that sounded like a good thing. To Dean it was a betrayal of too monumental a proportion. They were supposed to be a team. They were supposed to hate it together. They were supposed to escape because that's what they both wanted. He couldn't deal with that huge twist to his reality or with the fact that he was about to lose Castiel forever. "That's not fair!" This was working, anger was better than heartbreak. Hurting Cass felt better than letting himself hurt; so Dean sneered, "I think you like being the town gimp. I think you wouldn't know what to do if people weren't putting you down. Well you know what? If you're willing to put up with that then you deserve it. And maybe..maybe you like their pity." Castiel stepped back like Dean had just slapped him. In a way, he had. He knew exactly what buttons to push, how to hit Cass where it hurt. He felt a momentary wave of satisfaction before his own pain kicked in again. Baby please, please please please please. Just get in the car. Just get in the car. I'll take it all back, make it all up to you if you'll just get in the car. But Castiel only let out a long deep breath and stood up as straight as possible - glaring defiantly at him. Dean realized he was getting the same quiet dignity treatment Cass used to give Ruby and her crew when they were torturing him. Oh God. Dean had become the bully. "Goodbye, Dean," Castiel said quietly, then turned and limped up the steps into the house. "Well fine then!" Dean lashed out in fear and frustration. "Fuck you GIMP!" Castiel froze but did not turn around. Then a moment later he was moving again and disappeared inside the house.

Dean simply stood there staring at the closed door trying to decide whether he should feel horribly guilty or horribly betrayed. Anger was easier so betrayed it was. He jumped back into the car, hit the gas, and never looked back again. He was three counties over before he realized he'd been crying the whole way. .. Present Day The instant Dean heard the door slam he was shaken from his surprise and he'd started moving. It took him a minute or so to get his shirt on and find his keys, then he'd run out after Castiel who was by that time nowhere in sight. That didn't deter Dean. He was going to find him. There was no way he would allow another special night to turn into a disaster, no way was he going to let them stay on this heart wrenching roller coaster. They were going to settle this tonight. He'd been searching about half an hour Cass' house, the store, Ellen's - when inspiration struck and he suddenly knew where to find Castiel; and just as he'd hoped he glimpsed the Mustang and the familiar figure blinking against the Impala's headlights when he pulled up to the gazebo. He put the car in park, took a deep breath and slid out. Castiel was perched on top of the picnic table giving Dean a rueful, apologetic smile as he approached. "How'd you find me?" Dean smirked, "I remembered this is where you used to come and pout after we'd have a fight." "Really?" Castiel grinned in spite of himself. Then he added wistfully, "I'd forgotten that." Dean nodded and climbed up to sit next to him with a smile, "Yeah, cuz you knew once I got my head outta my ass I'd be able to find you here so we could make up." "I remember the making up," Castiel smiled at him fondly. "Yeah," Dean snorted. "Sometimes I think you'd pick a fight just so we could get to the making up." Castiel admitted sheepishly, "Sometimes I did." Finally Dean decided to get to the point, "That's not what this is though, is it?" Castiel bit his lip and turned away, shaking his head slightly. "Then Cass, what?" He reached out, stroking his hand over Castiel's forehead and down over his hair tenderly. "Whatever it is you need to say, just say it. I can take it. I want to hear it." "My mother was the first to leave," Castiel said quickly and Dean fell silent. He had a feeling he was about to hear the whole story now. Finally. "Well that's not entirely true. My dad left us when I was just a baby but I don't remember him so it doesn't count. My mom though.it was.unexpected. One day she started talking to angels. But she didn't go all crazy over night. It was slow.and painfuland like.like watching her leave by inches." "I didn't know," Dean mumbled.

Castiel nodded before continuing, "Then there was the fire. And we lost everything. My clothes, my toys, my house. I know they're just things but you don't realize what they mean until they're gone your favorite shirt, your pillow, everything you count on to just be there. Gone." "And then they told you your mom and grandpa were going away," Dean nodded. He was getting it now. It was finally becoming clear. The reason Cass was having such a hard time was that he wasn't just grieving for Deacon. He was finally grieving for everything he'd lost, which Dean had to admit was a considerable amount. Castiel had always been quite stoic for as shitty as his life had been all those years, but every man has his limits. Deacon was the straw that broke the camel's back. "And then a couple years later Max died. That one was tough. I just I loved him so much." "I know you did," Dean said gently, trying not to get emotional. "But I thought I'd be okay," Castiel muttered. "I had you and Deacon and Ellen. And I thought, 'someday Dean and I are going to live happily ever after. No matter what else happens, I'll have Dean'." Dean swallowed hard. No wonder. No fucking wonder. Dean was the one Cass thought he could count on to always be there and then one day he just wasn't. He'd abandoned the man too cruelly, carelessly, suddenly. "When you left I wanted to die. Honestly, I didn't want to go on anymore. Nothing had ever hurt so bad," Castiel said, wiping away a single tear that had slipped down his cheek. "Cass-" Dean grabbed his hand but Castiel cut him off. "Please just let me get this out. I don't know if I'll be able to do it again." Dean nodded and held his hand tightly as he continued. Whatever Castiel needed Dean to hear, he was ready. This is what he'd been working for since he'd gotten back, the whole truth, even if it was brutal. After a moment of silence Castiel said sadly, "But I thought 'hey this is as bad as it can get. I don't have anything left to lose and maybe I'll survive.' I wasn't..I wasn't expecting Deacon " "Oh baby, I know," Dean whispered. "No one was. We always thought he'd just be here to fix things, you know?" "I was there. I saw." "I know," Dean choked back a sob. "Chuck told me. I'm so sorry Cass." Castiel nodded tightly and Dean could see he was trying desperately not to break down. He let go of Cass' hand and wrapped an arm around his shoulder instead, holding him tightly. They sat in silence for a while as Castiel struggled to get hold of himself. Dean let him have the time and before long Cass spoke again. "For years I fantasized about the day you'd come back. Even when you never wrote or called it was still a fantasy I carried around to keep me warm inside. And when he died I thought maybe, maybe

then you'd come back at least to say goodbye. When you didn't I just I couldn't even hold on to that small fantasy anymore. If he didn't bring you back, nothing would. You would never and I I knew then that everything and everyone was gone. I was all alone. For good. And it just-" Castiel shuddered, "-I felt so small." "But you're not alone, Cass," Dean answered. "If tonight showed you anything it should be that. All those people who love you and were worried. And I'm here. I'm here now Castiel and I'm not leaving ever again." "I wish I could believe you," Cass grunted. Then at last he turned to look Dean in the eye. "I want you Dean. I still want you. But I can't take being left behind again. It would kill me." "You won't be left behind," Dean clenched his jaw and said firmly. "Never again, Cass. I swear." Castiel laughed half heartedly, "I know you mean that now. But what about tomorrow? What if you change your mind and this town starts closing in on you again?" "It won't," Dean answered hastily, "I was just a stupid kid back then. I couldn't see clearly. Now I do." "You don't know how badly I want to believe that," Cass swallowed. "But I close my eyes and all I can see is the taillights as you peal out of town, or that vacant look on my mother's face when she doesn't recognize me oror Deacon taking his last breath." "Cassie," Dean breathed. "I can't stop being scared." Five words. Five words was all it took for Dean to get it, for him to realize that this is why he'd been sent here by Pam.or God.or hell, maybe.maybe even Deacon. It was the sheriff, after all, who had eased Castiel's fear the last time he'd said those words. And he did it with nothing but a second hand tin star and a few sincere words. For the first time since they'd jumped onto this emotional rollercoaster Dean knew exactly what he was supposed to do. The Angel of Thursday will save you but first you need to give him back his totem. Fishing in his pocket Dean produced the star that had been so carefully nestled there since he'd arrived. Then he grabbed Castiel's hand and reverently placed it in his palm. For a second Cass just stared down at it dumbly as he tried to wrap his head around what Dean was giving him. Then he recognized his star.and what it represented. "Dean," he gasped. "I remember the day you earned this Cass," Dean said softly. "I never saw anyone as brave as you. You're the strong one Castiel. You always were. Not me, I ran away from them all; but you stood your ground. You always stood your ground." Castiel just kept gaping at the star, then at him, then back at the star.

"I know you're having a hard time Cass. But I have faith in you. Deacon had faith in you. You don't have to be afraid. You're gonna be okay, baby.cuz you're made of fucking steel." Castiel stared silently at him with wide, stunned eyes for one instant and then he reached out and dragged Dean into him, holding him so tight Dean could barely breathe. Dean could hear him whisper through ragged tears against his shoulder, "I miss him so much. It hurts so bad and I can't seem to get over it." "I know baby," Dean assured him as he hugged him tight. "We're gonna get you some help for that." . Six Months Later Castiel did end up saving Dean. He turned a worthless, shiftless borderline alcoholic back into the strong, noble youth he'd once been. Every day Dean spent with the man he felt the sins of the last decade being washed clean. And now when he looked around his hometown it was with fondness. He loved working with Rufus again and spending time with his baby brother, having a beer with Chuck and going fishing with Bobby. Moss Point was a good town. You just had to look at it through honest, knowing eyes. For the first couple of months, the two of them just kind of went steady while Castiel got grief counseling and tried medications. Dean took him to all his doctors' appointments and helped prop him up when his spirits got low. He was patient with Castiel's moods and even with his need for some space. Then as Castiel began to heal, began to trust both Dean and himself again, they became inseparable just as they had been as children. Three months to the day Dean showed up in town, Castiel asked him to move in. It was possibly the best day of his life, next to the day he actually met Cass of course. From that day on they lived together like any other married couple in town and no one said two words about it. They did laundry together, ate breakfast together, and best of all.woke up every morning in each other's arms. It was Castiel's dream come true. He had his town, his grandfather's store, and his Dean. It would have been perfect if he'd had Deacon around too, but Dean figured Deacon was around in a way. He still couldn't help but believe that it was Deacon who'd sent him that message through Pam. It would be just like the man to knock some sense into him even from beyond the grave. And thank God he did because Dean had never been happier or felt more complete. "Hey you ready?" Castiel smirked, leaning through the doorway. "No," Dean bitched as he fiddled with his bowtie. "Stupid tux." "Aww, come on," Cass smiled walking into their bedroom. "Cheer up. It's not every day you get to be best man at your little brother's wedding."

Castiel brushed Dean's hands away and went to work fixing his bowtie. Dean, meanwhile, kept eyeing him weirdly and fidgeting. With a sigh Castiel finally asked, "What?" "I'm nervous about my toast," Dean admitted and blushed. "That is..so cute," Castiel burst out laughing. Dean bitchfaced, "Shut up Cass! I am not cute!" "You are the cutest thing I've ever seen," he answered still laughing. "Cass!" Dean whined. "Alright, alright," Cass sighed and looked up at him fondly. Then he turned to the bureau and got something out of the drawer. Holding his prize out he said, "Here, if you're nervous pin this inside your jacket. It'll help." Dean cocked his eyebrow as he looked at Castiel's beloved star, "You sure babe? It's okay?" Castiel nodded firmly, "Yeah, but it's just a loaner. I want it back right after the wedding." Dean grinned, "Thanks baby." Castiel nodded and pinned the star for him backwards inside his lapel. Dean watched him carefully as he did, all sorts of dirty, inappropriate things running through his mind. Not his fault though. Damn Castiel looked good. Cass in a tux. Cass in a tux. Bow-chick-a-wow-wow. Castiel smirked when he caught the lewd way Dean was eyeing him, "You gotta wait two hours." "Two hours?" Dean asked with pleading puppy eyes as he wrapped his arms around Castiel's waist and pulled him in. "That's way too long. Can't we do it in the closet during the reception?" "With our luck we'd get caughtby Jess' eighty year old grandmother," Castiel smiled then pulled away. "Come on. We gotta get to the church." Dean watched him walk away but just as Castiel got to the door he called out, "Hey Cass?" "Yeah?" Castiel asked over his shoulder. "Thank you, you knowfor the star." "Thank Deacon," Castiel smiled. "It was his idea." "I do," Dean whispered under his breath as he followed Castiel down the stairs. "Every day of my life." 20 Years Ago

"That chicken was huge grandpa!" Castiel chirped as he changed into his pajamas. He knew he'd been talking about it nonstop but he couldn't help it. Today had been the best day ever! He saw his grandpa Max smiling at him fondly as he rambled on and on. Grandpa always liked it when Cass talked. Maybe cuz he didn't talk that much. It wasn't his fault though. It's just he didn't have much to say unless his grandpa wanted to hear about Ruby calling him names. He didn't think so. "And Dean is so cool. He knew just how to chase that chicken so we could get her! It was awesome!" "I'm really proud of you Cassie," Max patted him on his head. "And I'm glad you had a good day. What are you going to do with your dollar?" Castiel paused and considered that for a moment. "Hmmm.maybe.well could I " "What son?" Max cocked his head. "Maybe you could drive me and Dean to the movies tomorrow? I have a few more dollars and then we could-" "Absolutely!" Max cried and Castiel was a little taken aback. He didn't know if he should be happy about permission or not because he got the feeling his grandpa was excited cuz he didn't think Cass could make any friends of his own. No, no. Not grandpa. He thinks I'm like the best thing ever. So Castiel decided his grandpa was just happy because he was happy and satisfied himself with that. As he finished getting ready for bed Max reminded him, "Now don't forget your prayers, Cass." "Kay grandpa," Castiel nodded his wild mop head. "Good night." "Good night, son. I love you very much," Max patted his head. "Love you too." After his grandfather headed downstairs Castiel crouched down next to the bed to say his prayers. He couldn't really kneel like most people did when they said their prayers but his grandpa said that was okay. God understood. He also said that after you thanked God for all the things you had that it was okay to ask Him for the stuff you needed. Castiel hardly ever did that part. He didn't think he needed much. He had his home and his family and Deacon. He was pretty happy even if the other kids did pick on him. They were just stupid kids is all. It wouldn't always be that way. One day when they were grown up they could all be friends. Of course once in a while he asked for his leg not to hurt so much..or for his mom to remember who he was in the morning. Sometimes he got what he asked for and sometimes he didn't. When he questioned that Max had told him that sometimes God has other plans that we don't understand.but that it never hurt to ask anyway.

Tonight, though, he intended to pray really really hard because what he was asking for was maybe the most important thing ever. And maybe if God knew how important it was to him He'd make it come true. Leaning against the side of the bed, Castiel bowed his head and clasped his hands together. First he went through the usual ritual of thanking the Lord for all the good things that had happened that day and asking for Him to look out for his family and friends. Then he finally got to his real request. And God please.please.pleaselet Dean Winchester stay here forever. It's the only thing I really want and I'll never ask for anything else for myself again if you can just let him stay and be my best friend always. Amen. THE END