Handsom480e and Dreadful Witch Winifred Jeremy Kyle Dr Frauday Marcel Aaryana Deborah Ziggy Louis Terrence Gretel

Hansel Uncle/Prison warden Security guards Andrew Keven Min Jed Emily and Aya

Talk Show music. Jeremy Kyle takes centre stage. Well suited, and holding a microphone. Jeremy Kyle Hello, hello! Welcome! Welcome to the Jeremy Kyle Show. Coming up on todays show, lie detector results; DNA tests; scandal; lies; villainy! Well revisit Goldilocks after she was found guilty - right here on the Jeremy Kyle Show of theft and criminal damage live from her prison cell. Well hear from Rapunzel at the salon as she finally takes the plunge in the barbers seat! And finally, well meet the Ugly Sisters after some serious cosmetic adjustments. The ugly-no-more sisters? Find out, here on the Jeremy Kyle Show! But first we investigate the tale of Handsome and Dreadful. Two children victims of witchcraft, or two lying little toe rags wholl stop at nothing for their five minutes of fame? Lets meet our first guests, Handsome and Dreadful! Hansel and Gretel enter. Gretel waves to the audience, tweaking her hair and giggling. Hansel slopes out, sucking on a lollipop and looking grumpy. Jeremy Kyle Gretel Welcome Dreadful, welcome Handsome. How ar[cutting Jeremy off] Lets be clear Jeremy. Its Hansel and Gretel, and were the victims here! Were here to tell our story, to fight for justice, to fight for whats right, to [interrupting] claim loads of compensa[Whacks Hansel] - finally bring an end to our emotional turmoil and endless suffering! Gretel collapses to the ground in large over the top sobs. Hansel stand gormlessly eating his lollipop. After a few seconds of this Gretel hits him again to make him cry too, which he does. Jeremy There, there. Its clear that there is a story to be told here Security offers Jeremy a box of tissues which he takes and offers to Gretel. She blows her nose and thrusts the tissue back at Jeremy. Lets meet Dr Frauday, our programme psychologist who might help us get to the bottom of all this. Ladies and gentleman, Dr Frauday! Dr Frauday Thank you, thank you. Young lady, get up off the floor this instant. Sit there. SIT! [gestures to the chair]. Young man, do stop eating that ridiculous confectionary. You are live to the nation! Sit up straight! Tuck that shirt in! 1

Hansel Gretel

Jeremy Kyle Dr Frauday

Welcome Doctor. I assume youve been listening from our green room? Yes yes, I was listening closely. I think what we have here is a case of psychosomatic glucose induced adolescent chaotic trauma. I could have told you that! Who you calling an adolescent glucose? An interesting diagnosis, Doctor. Can you explain a little more? Yeh, doc. Tell us how to stop being chaotic and traumatic. Oh, theres no easy cure. We must dig deep within the very core of these two damaged souls, these vile specimens to uncover the roots of the disease. We must listen to their tale! Our horror story, you mean! A horror story?! I hate scary stories! I think its time to meet our next guest. Lovely old lady from the woods? Or evil witch with a taste for eye of newt and blood of child? For the safety of our other guests and audience, she will tell her tale from behind this protective screen. Ladies and gentleman, Winifred! Winifred enters accompanied by two security guards. She sit on the seat behind the screen.

Gretel Hansel Jeremy Kyle Hansel Dr Frauday

Gretel Hansel Jeremy Kyle

Gretel Hansel Jeremy Kyle Witch

Shes here. I can feel her. Did you feel it get colder? Do you think she brought us any more sweets? Welcome, Winifred. How are you today? How do you think I am? First I have my home eaten by two thieving teenagers, and now Im hauled on to some talk show to prove Im not a witch? Did you hear the hatred in her voice? Shes casting a spell on us right now! Hi Mrs W. I left a bag of Jelly Tots in your bathroom cupboard. Did you bring them with you? Sssshhh!!! Thank you for joining us Winifred. If its not too much trouble, wed like to hear what happened, in your own words. Of course dear. Youll have to use your imagination, and Id appreciate it if you could do something to keep those brats quiet while I speak. Security grab H&G, cover their mouths and lead them off stage. Everyone else leaves the stage taking chairs etc with them. 2

Gretel Hansel

Gretel Jeremy Kyle

Witch

Witch

They say I'm a witch. Well, that's a lot of hocus pocus. I'm the nicest old lady you'd ever want to meet. It's true I don't like children much, but I have my reasons. It all began when I lived in a big apartment building on Cranberry Road. Two wrestlers lived on one side and a troup of acrobats lived on the other. Bump, bump, thump, thwack! The noise was deafening. It was ridiculous I couldnt hear myself think. Marcel my parrot, could only pick at his bird seed. I couldn't sleep. When the lady across the hall took up the saxophone, I knew we had to move. About that time, I received a big box and a letter from my uncle. The letter said:

SFX Witch

Uncle

Dear Winifred, Your Aunt Ida has passed on. She wanted you to have this. Your Uncle Winston. Inside the letter was a deed to some land in the Dark Forest where Aunt Ida and I used to gather mushrooms. I opened the box. In it was a king sized microwave oven. Hmmmmm Actually, I like the old fashioned kind of oven myself, but that microwave had given me an idea. I dont have much money I said to Marcel So Ill bake us a house! Now, I've always been a fin cook, and I'm especially good with pastry. I whipped up mountains of gingerbread and big batches of cookies and fudge brownies. I boiled syrup to make cany, lemon drops and butter scotch. In two week, I was ready. We moved to the dark forest and I got to work! Soon, I had built the prettiest little cottage you ever saw. It has donuts for doorknobs, and gumdrop studded gables. Inside were chairs of chocolate and lamps made of liquorice.

Witch

Winifred Witch

Winifred Witch Winifred Witch

Winifred Witch Marcel Witch

I know well be happy here I said when it was finished Home sweet home Squawked Marcel But I was wrong. That night, a strange sound woke me.

SFX

Nibble nibble nibble 3

Witch Winifred Witch Winifred Dr Frauday

The next day, I saw that half the door and most of the windows were missing. We must have mice I said to Marcel Ill set the mousetrap tonight. Im sorry, I simply must intervene. What were seeing here is a classic case of loneliness induced psychosis. This lady believes she is communicating with an animal. In my professional opinion, I say that she is not a reliable witness to the tale of these children. It is my recommDoctor, please. I must insist that you shut up right now. Im try to tell my story! Yes, Doctor. Be quiet. Quiet doc! Quiet doc. Please continue Thank you, young man. Now where was I? Oh yes, mousetrap! In the morning, the mousetrap was empty. And the nibbling didnt go away. I heard it again the following night, eating me out of house and home!

Witch Winifred Marcel Jeremy Witch

Winifred Witch Marcel Witch

Perhaps its ants? I said to Marcel Awwwwk! Ants! Ants! Ants in your pants! Shrieked Marcel The next night, I decided to stay up and watch. Soon, I heard the strange sounds again.

SFX Witch Hansel Witch

Nibble nibble nibble Then I heard a scuffling. OUCH! Someone screamed. I flung open the front door. There, with their mouths stuffed with cake and cookies were two children eating the awning. They had obviously been fighting over a gumdrop. The girl had a red face and long stringy hair. The boy was handsome in an evil kind of way. They looked like the kind of kids whose favourite subjects and nap time and lunch. When she saw me, the girl punched the boy one last time. Then she began to 4

scream. Gretel Winifred Witch Winifred Hansel Witch Marcel Witch Gretel Witch A witch, a witch! Hush now. I said, grabbing them Who are you? My names Hansel, and shes Gretel. Said the boy, taking out a comb and combing his hair. Handsome and Dreadful, Handsome and Dreadful! Screamed Marcel Our parents dont want us anymore! Said the girl. She began to weep and wail and gnash her teeth. Hansel tried to work up a tear too. I was suspicious, but Im a pushover for a sad story.

Winifred Witch Winifred Gretel Witch Gretel Winifred Witch Winifred

Now, now dearie I said to the girl. Don't cry. She called me Dearie Whispered Gretel to her brother That was a witchy thing to say. I'm not a witch I said And I do need a couple of kids to help around the place. If you like, you can stay. The kids slunk in and I gave them some apples and milk. See that rug, Gretel? Whispered Hansel, spitting and apple seed at Marcel. It's red to hide the blood! Maybe we should go!
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Witch Hansel Witch Hansel

Marcel Witch

If you leave now, you'll miss the traffic. Squawked Marcel. Her grin collapsed into a snide sneer.

Gretel Witch

Nah, we'll stay. She said. Well, the next day, things went from bad to worse. Even though I had made them a lovely breakfast of seven-grain granola and stewed prunes, I caught Hansel breaking off a piece of my caramel coated chandelier. When I asked Gretel to clean out Marcel's cafe, she plucked the poor bird's feathers until he was bald.

Marcel Witch

Handsome and Dreadful! AWK! Shrieked Marcel. The following day, Gretel ate the dining room table. Then she tossed a huge wad of bubble gum into the microwave and poured honey into the toaster. When I asked Hansel to chop some wood for the fireplace, he used the axe to hack a hole in the bathroom wall. I found him admiring himself in the mirror while he munched on a piece of the faucet.

Winifred Witch Gretel Witch Gretel Witch

That does it! I said. I reached for the phone book. Hansel! Hansel! Shrieked Gretel. She's getting out her cookbook! She's going to cook us alive!!! I called the Dark Forest Detention Home for Thoroughly Disgusting Children. Are you missing two children by chance? I asked. Yep. And if youve found them, you'd better be careful. They're dangerous!
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Winidred Witch Prison Warden

Witch Prison Warden Witch Winifred Witch Winifred Witch Winifred Gretel Witch

Said the voice on the end of the line. We'll send someone right over! I let Marcel out of his cage and grabbed Hansel. You can just stay there until they come for you! I said pushing him inside. Here I said to Gretel, handing her a sponge. You can clean out the microwave while we're waiting. I don't know how! Gretel whined. Then with a sly grin, she added.

Gretel Winifred Witch

You'll have to show me. Like this I said I opened up the door and began to wipe off the back.

Gretel Witch

Like this? She said Giving me a mighty push. When I fell inside the microwave, Gretel slammed the door and turned it on to 'high'. Luckily it wasn't plugged in. I never did like those machines. Soon, the people from the detention home arrived, but it was too late. Hansel and Gretel had taken the chocolate peppermints and disappeared into the Deep Forest. They had enjoyed a snack or two on the way out the door and my lovely house was in ruins. A few days later, the sheriff came around asking a lot of questions, so I moved out in a hurry, Jeremy, Dr, Hansel, Gretel and Security enter again as if still on talk show
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set.
Witch Jeremy Gretel Hansel Jeremy And now here we are. Im homeless and humiliated Thank you for sharing, Winifred. Its lies, all lies! Tell them, Hansel! [mouthful of chocolate with chocolate sauce all over face] Huh? Quiet, you two. We dont need a lie detector test to tell who the victim is here. Poor Winifred has been the victim of theft and slander. What do you have to say about this, Dr Frauday?.... Dr Frauday? Dr Frauday stroles on closely using his iPad and licking his lips Dr Frauday Jeremy Yes, yes, delicious. Dr Frauday? Are we interrupting something? Dr Frauday glances up and realises he is being spoken to. He carelessly thrusts his iPad at Gretel

Dr Frauday?

What?? Oh, no, no. Sorry! My apologies. No, I was er. Researching a course of important special medicine for these damage individuals. Medicine eh, Doc? Well then why are you on a cooking website? Cooking website? Yeh, hes looking up a recipe for cooking ***gasps*** parrot! Whhhat!? Ooh, sounds good, Doc. Can I have some? Marcel? Wheres Marcel!? Marcel!?!?!? AWWWWKWKWKWKWKWKWWWKKKKKK!!!! Ad lib fighting and arguing ensues. Security holding back various members of the cast. Shouting etc. Hansel continues to eat his sweets

Gretel Jeremy Gretel Witch Hansel Witch Marcel (offstage)

Jeremy

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us on the Jeremy Kyle Show. Coming up: My psychologist wants to eat my pet bird. Well be back after the break.

Talk show music. Shouting and fighting continues as security lead the cast offstage.