A publication for subversive political satire and the promotion of counter-hegemonic discourse 5

91 OUT, 24 IN.
The RA S cheme is Facing Collapse as barely a quarter of positions received any candidates in the upcoming RA elections. This follows strong attacks on the scheme from current RAs, one of whom for instance described their role as slaves... used as free labour to sort out the paperwork and accused the Guild of tricking students into taking up the role by l(ying) about what the year ahead will entail. Then, just chang(ing) everything about the job description while they're in the job. The calamitous drop in applications can also be attributed to several RAs having declared at the last ResExec meeting that they will not publicise the elections as instructed to, and indeed many of them have dissuaded students from running telling them the job is awful. Other complaints include the diabolical attempt to organise a (now-cancelled) Christmas ball and 250,000 of promised RA budget having been removed after some of it had already been spent. There are no known contingency plans for what to do if so many of next year's posit-

ions remain unfilled or if the Guild is considering making any concessions relating to the RAs grievances. However nominations have been reopened and top Guild Accelerationist Robo Robertson has been entrusted with the task of rectifying the situation; so we're sure that everything will turn out fine. Vive.

VPDR TIRES OF DEMOCRACY

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Trustee Board Chair to Receive University Refuses to Cut Emotional Honorar y Doctorate since the university Ties With Fallen Regime
so values the aggressive pushing of reactionary policies in the face a popular opposition, it is fitting that it has decided to award Andrew Vallance-Owen an Honorary Doctorate. His delightful handling of the "Admin Error" incident particularly demonstrates his managerial credentials amongst a crowd of otherwise incompetent wannabe-putschists. Vallance-Owen (AVO) has long been a character in Guild politics. He was elected President of the Guild in 1974 in the midst of a mass rent-strike from students in halls demanding that rents be reduced (the university later agreed to cut rates by 30%), and during his term was removed from office after General Meeting passed a Vote of No Confidence in him due to his perceived undermining of the strike. This ordeal appears to have left long-lasting scars on him, in recent meetings with Reclaim the Guild campaigners he seemed bizarrely overconcerned that allowing General Meetings may lead students pass Votes of No Confidence against Presidents (democratic accountability, the horror!). AVO's term began four years of consecutive Tory-control of the Guild, which only came to an end in 1977 when the then-President resigned after allegations of breaking election rules. The subsequent by-election was then won by a Dalek, who was controversially not permitted to take office. AVO has since went onto become a director of the private healthcare company BUPA and has argued for the privatisation of the NHS, claiming that doing so would improve hospital parking services, amongst other compelling reasons. His more fer vant supporters have encouraged students to bow before him for these valiant efforts for left-wing causes.
Hated tyrant David Eastwood has had the Clocktower turned green to commerate the first anniversary of the passing of Libyan dictator Colonel Muammar Gaddafi. This latest development comes after both regimes were condemned by Amnesty International for human rights abuses. Rumours that next year's freshers will all receive a copy of The Green Book in their Welcome Packs are as yet unconfirmed.

Class Traitors in the Guild : unknown to

most innocent students at the University of Birmingham, there is an ostensible class traitor on their Guild Officer Team. Readers of TIME Magazine may recall its 2007 list of the worlds most 100 influential people an entry for someone who In an era of global capital markets, there can be few better suited to running a stock exchange than... Clara Furse.

Upon interrogation by undercover r(td) operatives Simon Furse claimed that his Auntie Clara massively hates me and refuses to give me any presents.
However, suspicions regarding Simon Furses true loyalties remain. r(td) would like to extend an official greeting to all upper-class students turned socialists: your probable eventual betrayal and reversion to your former ways has been anticipated, planned for, and shall not be forgiven.

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Page three misogyny

With the Women's Officer having resigned in September and the post being empty until by-election results this week, men from all across campus have exploited this window of opportunity to let themselves go. However first prize must go to failed Zionist activist Ben Eliad for his impassioned defence of the inalienable right of men to banter. Misogynists of the world, salute this LAD!

Bringing Class War Into the Class Room

On returning from the polo last weekend (rest assured the low-bred opposition were given a thorough thrashing) I heard rumours that students had been arguing in favour of abolishing public schools at the Guilds Activist Training event. I am ashamed to have went to the same institution as these riotous threateners of social order. What these people dont recognise is that there will always be us and them. Its been that way for hundreds of years and theyre not going to change it. Private schools are necessary because in any society there must be a stable hierarchy with strong competent leadership, and those best qualified to provide that leadership are those privileged few who were raised in privileged homes, and thus by granting those deserving children a highly-funded top quality education they can be properly socialised into being the great leaders of tomorrow. They must learn a diverse range of subjects and their creativity, independent thought and public speaking skills must be nurtured. As for those poor fucks who cant afford private schools, their families were clearly not of high enough quality to produce children appropriate to enter the ruling classes of our country, or else they would cough up the money. These children are to be the working

classes, and thus must go to different schools better tailored for their needs. They must learn discipline, punctuality and the importance of following seemingly irrational instructions to the tee without question. This will mold an effective work force, who know their place. When you start allowing social mobility to occur you get people disloyal to the social order raising to positions of power and influence. This only encourages people to start questioning the legitimacy of our societys hierarchical structure, which cannot be allowed to take place. Look at the French Revolution. They allowed some of the urban bourgeoisie to become extremely wealthy and even to join the aristocracy, yet it led to to years of chaos and innocent people being killed. There shall be no revolutions here, the class war shall continue and we shall win.

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Student Left Incompetence Exposed

Gideon Comes to Campus Student activists were spectacularly outmanoeuvred by Brother Leader astwood earlier this term. Whilst dozens of students were attending the G4S expo/TUC demonstration in the city centre, Gideon Osborne spent the sunny Sunday afternoon safely frolicing with astwood on campus without a single picketer. The march itself included another amazing blunder as a Defend Education member was tricked into holding a paper for Workers Hammer; a cult committed to combating 1. capitalism, 2. age of consent laws and 3. bogus rape accusations. DefEd Members, who have often expressed angry opposition to Gideons policies, were livid that such an opportunity slipped through their fingers. Questions are being asked about their intelligence gathering capabilities - is it truly possible that they could be unaware that the Chancellor of the Exchequer was receiving a grand tour of their very own institution? When asked about being outsmarted in such an embarrassing manner, VPE Simon Furse refused to give a comment. The press office of the Guild has told us that Mr Furse has recently travelled to Finland to be in close proximity to the NUS national demo next week.
Power Outages Are Still Hitting the University a week after the suspected Anarcho-Franklinite attack on the Selly Oak substation, with university commissars issuing instructions to ration electricity usage for the benefit of the Jamahiriyyah. In addition to r's amazing report on this (including details that could only be known by looking out the window) r(td) can also reveal that the blackouts have damaged expensive experiments in the Physics department due to the university's Uninterruptible Power Supply having failed, delaying the work of many PhD Physics students. Computers are still down in the Gisbert Kapp building and University Centre and Staff House. The university's rapid expansion in the last decade has left it increasingly dependent on Selly Oak for electricity, despite having its own power station that once serviced the entire university. Whilst supportive of direct action to fight the university, r(td) would like to advise reinvigorators to avoid tactics that may alienate the student body, however it may be the case that this was a false flag action by astwood to discredit the movement, in which case shame on him! 4.

r(td)adical redesign.
We were incredibly keen to be indepth about the reasoning behind the redesign of our revolutionary publication has undergone over the summer months but unfortunately the editors have only allowed to use 25% of the available article space because 90% of our audience is between 18-23 years old. As far as we are aware the rest of this article will be filled in by the editors.

Farewell Comrade Kearns

Comrade Jack Kearns , who gained

VPDR TIRES OF DEMOCRACY

over 20% of last year Presidential vote running on an electoral platform of Agrarian Reform gave a final interview to r(td) before departing on an epic voyage in his van. He was the only choice for President, yet Birmingham students weren't ready. His van crossed the horizon on a Friday sunset, where he will be hunting for lands where all cats are fed organic milk and clocktowers have slides preinstalled. He shall return one day. Jack reiterated in with a final flourish that it is not a matter of when he's elected, it's when I seize control. This publication shall continue in its attempt to prepare the way for his triumphant return when the dialectic has been sufficiently invigorated. But until then, we will always remember you Jack.

Content r can't think of and aren't allowed to think of.

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