THE ETHNOGRAPHER PILOT

Paperback Los Angeles, CA ilovepaperback.com WGA #1573174

COLD OPEN EXT. SOUTH CENTRAL LA STREETS - DUSK - DREAM SEQUENCE From behind we pursue A SHORT LITTLE BOY wearing a backpack, SPRINTING down the sidewalk. He HUFFS and PUFFS with each stride. Golden sunlight kicks flares across the lens. SMASH CUT TO: INT. ERNIES APARTMENT - BEDROOM - DAWN Lying in bed, ERNIE McCARTHY [29, handsome enough] opens his eyes. Birds chirp, cold eastern light pours in. After a long five seconds of silence, Ernies clock radio switches on. Its a big day and he awoke before his alarm. MAN ON RADIO Youve gotta hear this story... Without looking, he reaches to the bedside and silences it. He stares up at the ceiling, arms at his sides. CUT TO: EXT. LA STREETS - MORNING An apartment on a quiet street in Koreatown. EMMANUELA EMMA ESPINAL exits, walks to the curb and looks down the block. A pretty Dominican girl in her early 20s, Emma wears a blue Mets cap, a backpack and clutches two breakfast burritos. A recent American model minivan rolls up. Behind the wheel is MARTHA McCARTHY, 34, fresh-faced with her hair in a bun. INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS Martha is listening to NPR as Emma opens the passenger side. She slumps into the van leaving the door ajar. EMMA Yo... Breakfast burrito. MARTHA (takes burrito) Oh. Thanks.

2. Emma slams the van door. Hearing NPR on the radio, she changes the station to something LOUD and takes a big bite of her burrito. She opens the glove compartment. EMMA (mouth full of burrito:) You got any hot sauce? INT. CAR - 15 MINUTES LATER The van, windows down, slows to a stop at the curb of a large attractive brick house in Hancock Park, Los Angeles. EMMA What time are we supposed to be there? Martha checks the clock on the dash. It reads 8:09 AM. 8:30. MARTHA

EMMA Its okay. Hell understand. MARTHA I know... Big sister syndrome. Out of left-field Emma reaches over and violently honks the horn, startling Martha. Emma screams out the van window: EMMA (still honking) MAAAAAAAXXXXXXXX! Get your ass out here! Emma starts digging in her backpack for her cell phone. EMMA (CONTD) I texted him like 10 minutes ago to let him know we were close. The front door opens and MAX PARK [21, Asian] walks out with a Jack Spade briefcase over his shoulder. He walks proudly. MARTHA (O.S.) There he is. Martha and Emma watch him approach the car. Ten steps into the yard, the SPRINKLER SYSTEM ACTIVATES soaking Max. An attempt at a quick exit makes it worse when one of the moving heads hits him square in the face.

3. Feebly, he holds up his briefcase to shield himself. INT. ERNIES APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - LATER Ernie, still in his PJs, walks through his immaculately tidy apartment. He opens a sliding closet door, revealing neat stacks of boxes and clothes in plastic covers. He removes two folding chairs, walks a few feet away and unfolds them. Returning to the closet Ernie takes out two more chairs and adds them to the others. Hes forming a circle. He walks back to the closet to retrieve more chairs. INT. CAR (MOVING) - LATER A still wet Max, Emma and Martha pull up to a curb. The sliding door FLINGS OPENS and ABE BERLINSKY [30s, sloppy] literally jumps inside the van SCREAMING: ABE Drive, drive, drive!!! THRU BACK WINDOW: A MAN IN HIS UNDERWEAR appears in the middle of the road, vengeance in his eyes. Freshly sprung from his bed, he looks down the street both ways. His eyes settle on the van with vitriol. Panicked, Martha turns around, flattens the gas pedal and speeds off. The man in his underwear starts SPRINTING after them. MARTHA Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god! EMMA Holy shit, Abe, whatd you do? Abe peeks back out the rear window. ABE I stole my neighbors Wall Street Journal again. He holds up the morning newspaper in the bag. ABE (CONTD) Hes in advertising. They dont read.

4. ACT I INT. ERNIES APARTMENT - BEDROOM Several sets of eyeglasses fill the frame. A HAND appears and removes a pair of large round glasses. Ernie stands next to a free-standing VERTICAL EYEGLASS DISPLAY CASE commonly found in department stores. Its filled top-to-bottom with DOZENS OF PAIRS OF SPECTACLES from all eras. Clearly, Ernies been collecting them for years. He places the round glasses on his nose. Ernie looks at himself in the TINY MIRROR at the top of the display case. He looks a bit like Harold Lloyd and gives himself Lloyds trademark open-mouthed grin in the mirror. Putting the glasses back where they came from, he begins to spin the stand around looking for another pair. He stops, grabs a pair of classic 1950S HORN RIMMED GLASSES and puts them on. Liking what he sees, he hangs them on the collar of his T-shirt and starts spinning the case again, looking for another pair for comparison.. INT. CAR - LATER Max, Abe, Emma and Martha sit in silence awaiting their next carpool. Emma flips between radio stations irritatingly. Martha watches ANOTHER MINUTE TICK BY on the clock and sighs. After a long wait, MESA [tall Argentine mystic, 50s] slides the door open and begins wafting BURNING SAGE into the van. He stands next to his two friends ZEN, 40s, and KATO, 30s. Mesa hands the sage to Max who begins fervently waving it around the backseat. He then leans forward to waft it in the front seat making Martha cough. She waves the smoke away. Meanwhile, Mesa and his two friends Zen and Kato dressed something like SoCal Shamans exchange hugs. After, Zen picks up a pineapple off the ground and hands it to Mesa. Max hands Zen the sage. Mesa climbs into the minivan. He leans over and kisses Martha on the cheek and then Emma. MESA Che boludos. Max slides the van door closed as Mesa takes a seat. CUT TO:

5. EXT. LA STREETS - LATER North Hollywood. TOM MACKTON, late 20s, sneaks out the front door of a small bungalow holding his shoes. He labors to close the door very quietly. Very handsome in a hip leather jacket and clearly about to embark on an early morning walk of shame, he slips on his shoes and starts down the street. Not far from the corner and his cab home, Tom begins to become focused on his pant-leg. Trying not to break his stride, he begins tugging at his inner thy. Something seems to be stuck in his trousers. Tom starts massaging his leg to try and suss out the problem, causing him to limp a like a man in a hard cast. Finally, he spots a corner trash can. Approaching the receptacle he stops and reaches deep inside his pants to pull out the offending object. Having assumed he was all alone, he is FLUSTERED when he LOOKS OVER TO SEE... PATTY MORRISON, a Nun in her habit, standing fifteen feet away from him at the curb. Five foot nothing in her early 70s with curly black hair, Pat holds a basket with a bluecheckered cloth cradling freshly-baked bagels. She smiles warmly, accepting Tom and his predicament. PAT Good morning, dear. Hand still DEEP inside his pants: TOM Good morning. Tom removes the item from his pants. Its a pair of LACY WOMENS UNDERWEAR. He looks to Patty, blushing. He frets for a moment as to whether or not to throw the underwear in the trash. He can feel Patty watching. Sensing this, he puts the underwear in his pocket and walks away. Watching Tom leave, he waves a humble goodbye and Pat chuckles, flashing the sweetest smile youve ever seen as she looks down at her feet. Just then, the minivan rolls up. INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS Pat opens the door from the outside. Max gets up and moves into the back seat and sits at Mesas right. PAT Good morning everyone.

6. EVERYONE Good morning sister. MESA Buenos das Madre Patrica. Holy shi ABE

Martha and Emma swing around to scold Abe. ABE (CONTD) iiiiva the destroyer are those homemade bagels?? PAT They are Abraham. I brought OJ, too. Like some kind of domestic goddess, she shakes her purse and the OJ inside it SWISHES. Abe puts his hands together in joy. MARTHA Thats great Sister. But lets sit down, were running late. Pat steps into the van and sits down. She tries to give a bagel to Mesa, but he declines. Mesa holds up his pineapple. MESA No, gracias. Tengo mi pia. She hands everyone else a bagel, delivering Abes last. ABE (chewing, ecstatic) Oh thank you Jesus, its still warm! Abes eyes roll back into his head until he starts feeling someone staring at him. He opens them and looks over. Its Sister Pat. She glances down at his chest. Abe looks down. His GOLD STAR OF DAVID NECKLACE is sticking out of his tank top. He tucks it in and takes another bite. ABE (CONTD) What? A Catholic can make bagels but a Jew cant thank Jesus?

7. EXT. DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES ALLEY - LATER Downtown Los Angeles. JASON ALEXANDER, 45, the famous television star, leans up against a wall in an alley. He smokes a cigarette and reads an issue of PIZZA TODAY magazine. Wearing large headphones that cover his whole ear, and aviator sunglasses, he is clearly tired and not excited to be up this early. The minivan pulls up and Jason flicks his cigarette away. INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS The van door opens. No one says anything. A few sip from paper cups of juice, unfazed by the famous TV actor in their presence. Jason Alexander steps into the van and sits between Mesa and Max in back. Leaving his headphones on, he leans his head back and starts to nap. Martha drives off. INT. ERNIES APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - LATER We focus on the eight folding chairs Ernie has placed in a circle. Ernie walks in and out of the frame in a bathrobe, drying his hair with a towel. ERNIE reappears, walking directly to a particular chair on the left side. He tweaks its position, adjusting it to form a more perfect circle. INT. CAR (MOVING) - LATER The van is packed tight. Pat, the nun, leans forward. PAT Say Martha, do you think we might stop for some juice? Martha looks at Pat through the rear-view, eyebrow arched. MARTHA Dont you have juice in your purse? PAT Well yes. But thats orange juice. I was hoping to buy some pomegranate juice.

8. MARTHA Were almost to Ernies. Hell have some, right? PAT Oh jeez... I dont think so. Hes more of a Grapefruit guy. Emma, reading Abes Wall Street Journal, doesnt look up: EMMA Ruby red. Crave the wave. MARTHA Well, see... Were kind of running late. A long silence. Martha keeps driving, hoping Pats request will pass. Then, just when she thinks shes in the clear: PAT Its just, my osteopath says Ive got to drink pomegranate... Something about the potassium... (long pause) My doctors name is Ka-newt. Martha squints and tightens her hands on the wheel. CUT TO: INT. ERNIES APARTMENT - 15 MINUTES LATER Black coffee pours into two white mugs. Max puts the pot back under the drip and picks up each cup. ERNIE (O.S.) Alright gang. Before we start, weve got a special guest today. Max walks over to reveal Ernie, the FOCUS GROUP and Martha assembled for a morning meeting that reeks of group therapy. Ernie, still in his bathrobe with a notebook open, sits at the head of the circle. Max walks over to Jason Alexander, hands him a mug and sits down. ERNIE (CONTD) You all know and love her. Lets go ahead and thank her for organizing our first focus group carpool my big sister Martha.

9. The focus group golf claps. Martha nods appreciatively. Oddly, each member of the group seems to have a PING PONG PADDLE with a GREEN SIDE and a RED side with them. ERNIE (CONTD) Okay. So, as you all know, the big day is upon us. That means we have a lot to get through today. So lets dive in. First up: Which tie? He holds up a red tie and begins to describe its color. The group analyzes the proposition closely. ERNIE (CONTD) #1 is kind of a Coral... Or maybe you would call it more of a Vermillion hue... Martha, sitting next to Ernie, reaches out and feels the tie between her fingers. She crinkles her nose. MARTHA Feels itchy. ERNIE (obviously displeased) Good note... Thankfully, no one will be touching it though. Ernie widens his eyes, encouraging Martha to pipe down. Turning to the group, he holds up the Red Tie: ERNIE (CONTD) Yay or Nay guys? They hold up their paddles to vote. GREEN for YAY, RED FOR NAY. Five nays. Except for ABE who has written Yay on his right hand in thick black magic marker. ERNIE (CONTD) Okay... Someone obviously forgot today was a paddle meeting... Lets try not to make a habit of it, huh? Alright. #2. A nice Persian Indigo. Ernie produces a nice, blue tie. MARTHA Can I vote? No. ERNIE

10. MARTHA

Why not?

ERNIE You know why, Martha. The focus group is a finely tuned machine. Martha looks at Ernie then to her right at the focus group. INSERT: Deadpan images of a few of the Focus Group Members. Mesa bites into a pineapple slice, Emma braids her hair. ERNIE (O.S.)(CONTD) Each person represents a precise apportionment of the American populace... OTS: Abe writes Nay on his left hand with his magic marker and, as hes left handed, hes having a tough go at it. Ernie thinks, then delivers the summation of his reasoning: ERNIE (CONTD) Any additional demographic would upset the balance... Sorry. Martha sulks. ERNIE holds up the blue tie. ERNIE (CONTD) Now. The blue tie. Paddles up. Five yays and one nay from Mesa. ERNIE (CONTD) Okay. And the wild card. He holds a knotted bow-tie to his neck. Five nays, then: MESA (a little late)

S.

WIDE: We slowly ZOOM towards Ernie marking down the outcomes. ERNIE Moving on. Presentation jokes... Butterbeans, or just friends? (looks up, back down) Uh-huh. Cutters or Burn Victims... Ernie looks at the group, shrugs his shoulders and marks the vote.

11. ERNIE (CONTD) Same picture either way. (looks up, taps pad) Annnnd finally... Ernie dons the pair of classic 1950s horn-rim glasses from earlier. ERNIE (CONTD) The October Sky glasses... Ernie switches to a pair of boxy, computer engineer glasses. ERNIE (CONTD) ...or the Apollo Thirteens? The focus group hesitates, unsure of how to vote. Ernie puts the 1950s glasses back on, changing his description: ERNIE (CONTD) Gay with an MFA or... Back to the computer engineer pair: ERNIE (CONTD) Baltimore artist collective? He looks at the groups (unseen) vote and nods, surprised. ERNIE (CONTD) Hmm. Interesting.

12. ACT II EXT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING - CLASSROOM - LATER Collegiate, ivy covered, Bridge Hall of Southern California University. Wow..... ERNIE (O.S.)

INT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING - CLASSROOM - SAME Five, stuffy looking, tenured professors DR. HOCKNEY, DR. COUGHLIN, DR. AGNES MARTIN, DR. LOUIS and DR. ADAMS sit quietly at a long table. Ernie, confident with a Windsor knot, suit coat and the October Sky glasses, stands in front of a VIDEO PROJECTOR on a SMALL TABLE. About to present his dissertation proposal to the board, his NERVES are getting the best of him: ERNIE (smiles) Im sorry... I guess Im more nervous than I thought Id be. I mean you type the outline in Word export your presentation from After Effects do a little dance in front of the mirror a couple-a-times... (deep breath) But then youre actually here. Ernie looks at the Board. They look back at him. ERNIE (CONTD) See... Ive waited for this moment for so long, Im not really sure how I want to start.... (he thinks, then smiles) Ernie bursts to the front of the room, shaking hand forward. ERNIE (CONTD) Hi, Ernie McCarthy. Doctor. Ernie McCarthy. Doctor. Doctor. (arrives at AGNES) Agnes, its been a while... Hi, Ernest McCarthy. (Gets to DR. ADAMS) Hi Ernie

13. PROFESSOR ADAMS Mr. McCarthy, I assure you, thats not necessary. All of us are already on familiar terms with you some more than we should be. Agnes [early 50s, buxom and pretty] waves at Ernie like a proud mother. He bashfully gives a two-finger wave back. PROFESSOR ADAMS (CONTD) Why dont you just start with the title of your dissertation and we can go from there. ERNIE Oh, of course. Right... Lets get the lights. Ernie clicks a REMOTE and the LIGHTS GO OFF LIKE MAGIC. ERNIE (CONTD) Thanks George. GEORGE [flannel teddy bear with a beard] stands in the barely open door, having just flipped off the switch. He nods solemnly like a Native Chief and closes the door behind him. Agnes chuckles. Dr. Coughlin shoots her a dirty look. Ernie clicks the projector on. A NETFLIX-STYLE LOADING BAR shows on the screen. It creeps along: ERNIE (CONTD) Itll just be a moment. Its only 2 gigs. (stalls, chit-chatty:) You guys know any good bit torrent sites? The presentation loads. Ernies dissertation title renders as beautiful 3D text floating in the sky over a pristine meadow: ERNIE (CONTD) Ok. Here we go. (reading the title:) Transcendent American! Subtitle: How Corporeal Ideologies, Collaborative Friendship, Aborted Customs, Affairs, Poor Recycling Habits and Pizza make the American Citizen Endangered in the Modern World. Out of breath, Ernie sighs. Silence. No one moves.

14. ERNIE (CONTD) With pictures. Ernie clicks through a succession of images that liberally correspond to the points of his subtitle: A fry dipping into ketchup on a napkin; A soccer mom distributing orange slices; A blurred face before and after breast augmentation; A screencap of Julianne Moore and Mark Ruffalo in the The Kids Are All Right; A Celebrate Arbor Day logo; Churchill, Stalin and Roosevelt at Yalta; Finally, he comes to a stop on a CHEF ladling pizza sauce onto an unbaked crust, which remains on the screen. DR. COUGHLIN Mr. McCarthy. Im not as familiar with you as my colleagues so youll have to forgive me for interrupting your proposal after youve only given us the title, but um... What in the world makes you think that you, of all people, are qualified... DR. HOCKNEY (interjects:) Im sorry, yes, or for that matter even capable of, of, of Dr. LOUIS (coolly) Distilling the essence of 300 million people? PROFESSOR ADAMS Yes. Exactly. And to claim that pizza sauce has something to do with it is just... Offensive. (a beat) This is a university, sir... Not RISD. The insult hangs for a moment. Ernie smiles and starts into some country club like gossiping with the professor: ERNIE Brown really got the shaft in that deal, huh? Ernie smiles and Dr. Adams warms to him a bit, chuckling. DR. LOUIS Mr. McCarthy, please.

15. ERNIE Sorry... (deep breath) Listen butterbeans. Hearing butterbeans, Dr. Hockney who is cleaning his GLASSES with a CLOTH stops and squints at Ernie, confused. ERNIE (CONTD) Id be lying if I said that I didnt prepare for such a question. Because I did. I got this. The projector flips to a CARTOON OF TWO GNOMES on one side of a rickety rope bridge spanning the Grand Canyon. They stand next to a bike with loads of boxes marked FRAGILE strapped to the back. One Gnome says to the other, I got this. ERNIE (CONTD) I have lived my whole life in Los Angeles. Of those 28 years, 23 and 5/8 of them were spent studying its citizens as its resident ethnographer. The projector flips to an image of a Pie Chart with three sections: One large labeled Ethnographer, one small labeled Not Ethnographer, and one a sliver labeled In Utero. ERNIE (CONTD) Thats over 100 studies. Work that, you, of all people, my professors, Team Works Cited... INSERT: The five frumpy professors scowl at Ernie. ERNIE (CONTD) ...know has made me privy to certain... Tricks of the trade... Images of Ernies field studies tile on the screen. ERNIE (CONTD) In addition to the 55 words per minute I type when caffeinated, Ive also been published in several notable peer reviewed journals including Journal of Contemporary Ethnography and when I was eight, Ranger Rick... Full color scans of Ernies articles appear on the screen.

16. DR. LOUIS Thats great, Mr. McCarthy. But what does it mean? ERNIE It means lady and gentlemen that I know how to make this pizza sauce... The screen. A photo of Ernie tending a large pot of red sauce on a stove appears. ERNIE (CONTD) It means Ive made it hundreds of times before. And it means now The slide changes to an exact copy of the previous photo of Ernie making red sauce, but now with a HUGE POT on the stove. ERNIE (CONTD) Im ready for a bigger pot. He looks at the screen, smiles and turns to Dr. Adams. ERNIE (CONTD) Theres your pizza sauce Lloyd... (looks to the screen) That was a fun day. Through the window in the door we see Max, watching Ernie attentively. INT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING - THE HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Out in the hall, George, plays catch with Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Phil throws a particular good toss. GEORGE Thats it! Just like that. Max is still peering through the classroom window. GEORGE (CONTD) (to Max:) Hows he doing? MAX Hes through pizza sauce. GEORGE Howd it go?

17. MAX Not tubular. Thats for sure. GEORGE (tosses ball) Yeah, I always thought pizza sauce was weak in the rehearsals. The rest of the focus group plays cards on the floor down the hall, while Mesa and Martha sit on a bench near the door. Martha looks tense, like the prolonged exposure to the focus group is getting the best of her. She shakes her right leg like shes playing bass drum for a Norwegian death metal band and refuses to look Mesa in the eyes for more than a half second. Conversely, Mesa could not be more relaxed. MESA Pero... Debes imaginar que el universo parece un neutrino. I know. MARTHA

MESA Millones de neutrinos travs de su crneo cada uno! Martha stops shaking her leg for a second and looks Mesa dead in the eyes. Quickly she returns to shaking her leg and looking off into space. MARTHA I know. I miss Pizzeria Uno too. INT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING - CLASSROOM - SAME Ernie is still speaking to the board... ERNIE Proof you ask?? The professors look downright confused. He snaps them back to reality with a SLIDE CHANGE to A video of an EXPLOSION and an enthusiastic: ERNIE (CONTD) Okay! Ive got proof! Ernie takes off his October Sky glasses and replaces them with the Baltimore Artist Collective pair.

18. ERNIE (CONTD) Rule #1. This should sound familiar to you Dr. Louis, its from your dissertation: EXT. STREET - DUSK - FLASHBACK From behind we pursue A LITTLE BOY wearing a backpack running down the sidewalk. He HUFFS and PUFFS with each stride. His soles scrape the sidewalk as he turns a corner. We hear the ruckus of a pick-up basketball game nearby. The boy stops running and approaches a chain-link fence. ERNIE (V.O.) Always obtain your information in naturally occurring settings. POV: Six young men play pick-up three-on-three. JAMES, on the sideline, leans against the fence, arms crossed. The METAL TIP OF A TAPE MEASURE slowly creeps up behind him. Feeling a presence, HE TURNS AROUND... ERNIE This makes physical attributes of your subjects easier to garner. Through the chain link fence, FIVE YEAR OLD ERNIE snaps the TAPE MEASURE CLOSED and widens his eyes innocently. James squints, befuddled. Shaking his head, he turns around. Ernie slowly spins his back to the fence with a smile. ERNIE (CONTD) The accuracy of your final assertions depend on this doctrine. Young Ernie opens up a notebook with a colorful chart of the attributes of the basketball players in the neighborhood. He fills in James height, completes his chart and smiles. INT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING - CLASSROOM - PRESENT DAY Ernie holds up his index finger and grins. ERNIE Then theres Irwin. Ernie clicks to a card with Irwins photo and short bio:

19. ERNIE (CONTD) More often than not the cultures you study will have a certain way of dress. EXT. CENTRAL LOS ANGELES STREETS - DAY YOUNG ERNIE, half the size of his subjects, jots down notes about the clothes of two people, SHAWN and DESMOND. Unable to see their faces, he studies the front of their bright baseball jerseys. He looks down at their jeans. Theyre GIRBAUDS and oddly, the person wearing them seems to have them sag in the front. Using CALIPERS, Ernie measures the length of the pants sag relative to the waist and records it in his notebook. ERNIE (v.O.) These sartorial cues will help you develop a taxonomy to identify future subjects to engage. WIDE: Ernies subjects stand at a food truck buying a soda. Contrary to what weve been lead to believe, their clothes are on backwards la early 90s rap duo Kriss Kross, and it has been their back side Ernie has been studying. INT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING - CLASSROOM - PRESENT DAY Photos of a woman in a thick wool sweater, a soccer player, and a heavily bandaged man show on the screen as Ernie talks: ERNIE This is how you use hook knit sweaters to find knitters, umbro shorts to find soccer fans, bandages to find cutters, etc... The Board fixates on the photo of the bandaged man on the screen. Hes grilling burgers in his back yard. Ernie looks at the screen, then back to the board: ERNIE (CONTD) Basic stuff, really. The board shifts uncomfortably in their seats. ERNIE (CONTD) Verber says...

20. Irwins quote appears on the screen and Ernie reads it in an Eastern European accent. ERNIE (CONTD) Watch closely when your subjects are presented with a choice. EXT. HOUSE - DAY - FLASHBACK A childs birthday party. Kids and parents mill around the backyard near long tables covered with food and snacks. A CLOWN in full makeup, HORACE, approaches one of the tables. POV: There are two large plates of different sandwiches cut into triangular halves. The clown thinks for a moment but when he moves to take his pick he notices a TWELVE YEAR OLD ERNIE staring at him. Ernie pulls a small reporter-style notepad out of his back pocket and prepares to take note of the clowns selection. The clown watches him suspiciously and slowly brings the sandwich to his mouth. ERNIE (V.O.) Differences between groups are rarely better illustrated than when a member of subculture is presented with a decision to make. Ernie poises his pencil to write. Noticing this, the clown stops, holding the sandwich in front of his open mouth. Ernie lifts his pencil, waiting for the clowns mouth to close. After another beat the clown finally bites into the sandwich. I.... ERNIE (V.O.)

The notepad: Ernie adds a tally to the HAM AND CHEESE column. INT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING - CLASSROOM - SAME The projector shows a PIE CHART with the title PIE CHART OF TURKEY VS. HAM AND CHEESE (YUM!) on the screen. Emotional:

21. ERNIE I know these things because Im... Ernie stands up straight. With out missing a beat: ERNIE (CONTD) ...a little warm is it hot in here? He takes off his suit coat to set in on a nearby chair. Dr. Hockney attempts to summarize the situation for all involved: DR. HOCKNEY Son, dont you think its a bit naive to outline the basic tenets of our craft as some kind of justification for your overreaching? While listening, Ernie unbuttons and rolls up his sleeves. After Dr. Hockney finishes, Ernie stands there, just thinking. For the first time he struggles with what to say next. Hes off script. The words dont come as easily. He speaks, slowly, thoughtfully: ERNIE Yes. Sure. Undeniably. Very naive. But I do it because I have no choice. There is no other way to show you that I have no other life... My history is written in the pursuit of others history. (thinks) While my peers were off scraping their knees and putting bras on pillows and, and, and starting screenprint T-shirt companies, I was studying this citys people. Ive lived with Punks, greased bodybuilders, held Self-Identified Witches while they wept As a graduate student I He begins to cycle through images of himself assimilated into the various groups. Dr. Adams quickly interjects with force: PROFESSOR ADAMS Mr. McCarthy, we are aware of and respect the diverse nature of your body of work. After all, it is the reason you are here on scholarship. Dr. Louis guffaws and looks at Dr. Adams.

22. DR. LOUIS To be honest, at this point, I question how he got this far in the first place. (to Ernie) I see nothing academic about your work at all. Well ERNIE

DR. COUGHLIN I have to agree. You dont seem to study people Mr. McCarthy, you just seem to know them. And I not sure why you think that qualifies you to earn a degree. To use university resources searching for something I dont think exists in the first place. ERNIE (soft, innocent:) Okay. Ill just say this. Is it possible to find a unifying thread in a culture as vast as America? Im not sure. But I know if it does exist, Im the one to find it. DR. MARTIN I admire your passion Ernest... But youve gotta look around you I ERNIE

DR. MARTIN You are among individuals who have committed their lives to studying people... Youre the one who has chosen the loaded task. Not them. Ernie swallows hard. DR. MARTIN (CONTD) Surely you couldnt have expected us to react differently. You are trying to convince us, the experts of our field, that you can do something we ourselves dont think we are capable of... Not the contrary. Ernie looks at the board with eyes of defeat.

23. INT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING - HALLWAY TWENTY MINUTES LATER

George, with two black thumb-nails, and Martha stand close to the door. It opens, Ernie exits. MARTHA Howd it go? Well see. ERNIE

GEORGE What happened? They all sit down on a bench, George in the middle. ERNIE Theyre talking it over. They wanted me to wait out here. Ernie looks up. The focus group is staring at him from across the hall. ERNIE (CONTD) Why arent they saying anything? GEORGE They kept bothering Mar-MARTHA (unsentimental:) The wouldnt shut up. So I threatened to not let them play basketball at the building anymore. Ernie looks over at the FOCUS GROUP. Theyve been listening the whole time and all wear the expression of a child who has been scolded and resigned to the corner. Ernie smiles at them with compassion and begins to take off his tie. ERNIE Cmon... You know they live for the peach basket. Max, the Asian intern, nods with puppy dog eyes. MARTHA Listen. I love them. (She looks at the SIX. Awkward, loudly:) I love you guys. Me too. GEORGE

24. The group swells with smiles. MARTHA But if I have to hear another god damn question about juice... She points at Pat, the nun, who is mid sip from a POM juice in its signature bottle. MARTHA (CONTD) Baby powder... She points at scruffy Abe, who scratches his inner thy. MARTHA (CONTD) Or what I think it means to go to Heaven... She points at MESA, the mystic, stroking his beard. MARTHA (CONTD) I am gonna get out of hand like a frisbee! Ernie looks at her like, Really, dude?, and mouths Frisbee? The door opens and the BOARD BEGINS TO FILE OUT. Perplexed by the small crowd assembled in the hall, and particularly the fact that Jason Alexander is there, they step lightly, pointing stern eyes in Ernies direction. He furtively avoids their glances. Dr. Coughlin exits last. DR. COUGHLIN Dr. Martin will see you inside. Ernie looks his Focus Group in the eyes. He looks to George who puts his arm around him. Whispering: GEORGE Hey... After this, well go to the cages, set the machine to Orel Hershiser, and just... He swings an invisible baseball bat and KNOCK! makes a ball hitting a bat noise by clicking his tongue. Ernie stands and and pats George on the back. ERNIE Thanks George. Ernie walks over to the focus group and addresses them:

25. ERNIE (CONTD) I just wanted to say to you guys, no matter what happens, I really appreciate everything you do. Youre my best bunch yet. Ernie walks to the door. Martha speaks up and Ernie stops. MARTHA Hey. Try not to be so... you. George shoots Martha a Dont be so mean look. INT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING - CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS Dr. Martin stands at the front of the room. DR. MARTIN Take a seat, sweetie. ERNIE Oooookey Dokey. Dr. Martin sits down and Ernie follow suit. Ernest... Dr. MARTIN

ERNIE (mimicking) Agnes... DR. MARTIN Hows your sister? ERNIE Shes good. EXT. STREET - DUSK - FLASHBACK Back at the basketball courts we saw earlier, Young Ernie opens up a notebook with a colorful chart of the attributes of all the basketball players in the neighborhood. He fills in James height, completes his chart and smiles. DR. MARTIN And George? Unlike earlier, two womens feet enter the frame. Young Ernie looks up. A 28 YEAR OLD AGNES MARTIN, beautiful and collegiate with a camera around her neck, looks at him with an adoring mothers eye. She leans down to look at his book.

26. ERNIE (V.O.) Georges great. He made Martha a spice rack for Valentines Day... Both his thumbnails should fall off next week. DR. MARTIN (V.O.) (giggles, sighs) How long have we known each other now? INT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING - CLASSROOM - CONTINUOUS ERNIE (smiles, slowly:) 22 years, 2 months and six sleep overs. DR. MARTIN (happy gasp) Remember that study?? INT. HOSPITAL FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT THREE YOUNG ARMENIAN BOYS play cards and drink soda. A TV playing an action movie rests on a cart in the background. One of the boys, NUBAR, brings his Mountain Dew can to his lips. Theres nothing left. He shakes the can to confirm, tosses it and opens a new can, chugging away. ERNIE (O.S.) Of course. Prepubescent Armenian Sleepover Enclaves. We PAN to Ernie, NOW 9. Sitting in one of two folding chairs next to a video camera on a tripod, he diligently studies the proceedings, taking notes on a clipboard. DR. MARTIN (O.S.) We all went to Dan Tannas to celebrate after I sold the report to Pepsi. It was my big break. POV: Paper on the clipboard. Three hand-drawn columns with the names RUBEN, GARO and NUBAR atop them. Below are tallies of the number of sodas consumed. He adds a fifth diagonal stroke to NUBARs group of four existing tallies. ERNIE (O.S.) Thats right! It was the first time Gramma Z ever tried champagne!

27. YOUNG DR. MARTIN walks over and hands Ernie a paper plate with a slice of pizza on it. Sits down next to him. He takes a bite and they share a smile. INT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING - CLASSROOM Ernie takes off his glasses, looks at them in the light to check for spots on the lenses. Glasses on, almost to himself: ERNIE Mind you, she drank enough vodka to get a Russian visa. DR. MARTIN Oh, she earned that dinner. Loaning out the man of the house to me all those years. ERNIE Thats one way to look at it. DR. MARTIN She was suspicious at first. College girl carting around a little boy. ERNIE Then she figured out you were the answer to her prayers. DR. MARTIN Someone to help her shape a bright young mind? ERNIE Someone to help her grandson forget his parents disappeared. DR. MARTIN I was lucky to find you. The son I never had. She smiles warmly. Ernie looks uneasy and the mood shifts. ERNIE You can tell me, yknow... DR. MARTIN I know, I... Ernie looks at her like he knows what shes about to say.

28. DR. MARTIN (CONTD) You should have let me preview it ERNIE Sure. Okay. But it cant be that bad. (starts to reason) I have to narrow my study on paper but really Im good to DR. MARTIN You made a big miscalculation today. Coming in here all full of yourself, with your capricious presentation... And the glasses... ERNIE I had it on good authority that DR. MARTIN (interrupting) These are serious men, Ernest. With serious sticks up their butts. You know better I taught you better! They hold in silence. Ernie begins to breathe heavily and scan the room for solace. ERNIE So, so, what? What does this mean? DR. MARTIN (slowly) It means they took away your scholarship sweetie... Dr. Martin swallows hard, struggling for her words. DR. MARTIN (CONTD) Youre out of the program... Im sorry. All emotion evacuates from Ernies face.

29. ACT III EXT. UNIVERSITY BUILDING - LATER Ernie walks out the front door of the building, looking more than a little out of sorts. After about twenty feet, he cuts to the right and leaves the frame. Yet, we linger on the front door. After a few moments, all six members of the Focus Group, George and Martha come wandering out, following in Ernies footsteps. EXT. CAMPUS FOUNTAIN - MOMENTS LATER A peaceful clay-tile courtyard with a fountain. A few coeds mill about with backpacks, making their way to class and elsewhere. Ernie appears, walking towards the fountain. Ernies eyes are heavy with grief. He barely lifts them off the ground to see whats in front of him. He walks up to the fountain. The bottom is carpeted with spare change long ago exchanged for wishes. TWENTY FEET BEHIND ERNIE Martha, George and the focus group arrive at the edge of the courtyard. They stop and watch Ernie. THE FOUNTAIN Ernie watches as the water cascades down the successive tiers of the fountain. Getting an idea, he puts his hands in his pockets, searching for a coin. BACK TO THE FOCUS GROUP Abe, not wanting Ernie to be without a wish steps to go to join him. With a hand to his chest, Pat, the nun, stops him. Ernies search comes up empty, just a RECEIPT and his KEYS. Looking into the fountain like he might just steal a coin from the bottom, a new idea forms. Ernie reaches down PULLS A BUTTON from his shirt. He holds it in his hand and looks it. We watch as Ernie gathers a wish in his minds eye. He scans the insides of his eyelids for something, anything. He finds it and his eyes open. He flicks the button into the fountain.

30. It lands on the water, floating. Ernie can be seen watching in the waters reflection. EXT. STREETS - LATER Ernie drives his car. He stops at a stoplight. His spirit is battered and he almost looks like hes going to cry. After a few moments, a minivan slowly rolls up next to him in the left turn lane. Piled inside are Martha and the focus group. Martha rolls down the passenger side window. Martha Im ordering us pizza... 10 Things I Hate About You is on TBS. The left arrow light turns green. Martha turns and the focus group waves. George drives by in his truck right behind them, offering Ernie a thumbs up. He watches them drive off. Ernie stares at his red light and taps the steering wheel and sighs. He doesnt know what to do. Giving in, he cranks the wheel to the left and follows Martha and the gang. EXT. GEORGE AND MARTHAS APARTMENT - THIRTY MINUTES LATER George sits at the foot of the back stairs to George and Marthas apartment. Hey bud. GEORGE

ERNIE Whatcha doin out here? GEORGE Waiting for you. ERNIE Howd you know I was coming? George smiles. GEORGE Because I know you cant resist Movie and a Makeover. George smiles and Ernie laughs.

31. GEORGE (CONTD) Lets go up. Everybodys here. Confused, Ernie twists his lips. George perks his eyebrows. INT. GEORGE AND MARTHAS APARTMENT - HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER Ernie and George ascend the stairs, George leading. When they get to the top, George stalls, gesturing for Ernie to go first. Ernie slowly approaches the door. INT. GEORGE AND MARTHAS APARTMENT - SAME BLACK. The door opens, revealing Ernie and Georges silhouette. The lights come on. The apartment is filled to the brim with people, each one an integral part of one of Ernies past studies. SURPRISE! EVERYONE

Martha, Dr. Martin, Horace the clown, THREE WITCHES, TWO PUNKS, Zen and Kato, A BODYBUILDER, A PIZZA CHEF, TWO SKATER KIDS, A FOUR-MAN BARBERSHOP QUARTET, Shawn and Desmond still rocking the Kriss-Kross look, Ruben, Garo and Nubar who are now Ernies age, a burn victim named MARK, almost all of the focus group and others are all crammed into the apartment. A large banner reading SCREW THOSE ASSHOLES! hangs above their heads. The music kicks in and everybody starts having fun again. Dr. Martin and Martha approach Ernie and George. DR. MARTIN I know its not the outcome you wanted but we love you anyways. They hug. Ernie catches a closer look at the banner. ERNIE Nice banner. Thank you! MARTHA

GEORGE We got one for each possible outcome.

32. ERNIE Whatd the other one say? MARTHA Congratulations, asshole. GEORGE Kinkos made us sign a release. Martha takes Ernies arm. MARTHA Cmon, youre the man of the hour. Then at nine its Georges turn. Ernie hesitates. He looks around the room. For some reason all the faces from his past begin to intimidate him. ERNIE I-- I forgot something in my car... Ill be right back. Ernie rushes out the door. George and Martha exchange a look of concern. EXT. STREETS - DUSK Passenger door open, leaning into his car head first, Ernies ass careens towards the camera. He frantically searches for something inside. VOICE (O.S.) Looking for one of these? Ernie turns around. Its Jason Alexander and hes holding a cigarette. I dont... ERNIE

Jason points at Ernie with the cigarette, interrupting him: JASON Can the corn, donut. You cant fool me. I know Prince Charming sneaks off to gun a stick when he cant stand being... He walks closer and taps Ernie in the chest with the cigarette on the words Straight and Narrow:

33. JASON (CONTD) ...Mr. Straight and Narrow all the time. Ernie looks at Phil, down at the cigarette, then back into his eyes. Jason awkwardly places the smoke in Ernies mouth. JASON (CONTD) Whatre you so stressed out about anyway? Jason steps away from Ernie. Ernie takes the cigarette out of his mouth and looks down at it, dolefully. When his eyes come up to meet Phils they are filled with anguish and beg How could I not be stressed out? Ernie opens his mouth to speak, but before he can answer: Nope. JASON (CONTD)

Jason takes the cigarette, pops it back into Ernies mouth and lights it. JASON (CONTD) So you dont get to do your dissertation the way you wanted it. Boo fucking hoo. Big deal. Jason thinks, then lights his own cigarette. JASON (CONTD) A hospital is no place to be sick, and a university is no place to learn about people. You know that. Just then, a womans voice calls from off-screen. ERNIE! HOLLY (O.S.)

TERRIFIED hes been caught smoking, Ernie ditches the cigarette with rapid speed. Slowly, he turns around... HOLLY, a woman dressed in casual hippie garb waves at Ernie as she approaches arm in arm with her husband, SERGIO, who is dressed in civilian military attire. Ernie, still astray from Jasons words, takes a while to realize whats happening. HOLLY (CONTD) We just wanted to say goodbye before we took off. Sergio shakes Ernie hand then Holly gives Ernie a hug.

34. ERNIE Hey buddy... Thanks for coming. HOLLY Aww, we wouldnt miss it for Burning Man... Holly looks over to Sergio for reassurance, but hes dazed, staring at Jason Alexander trying to figure if its really him. A beat. Sergio realizes theyre speaking to him. He extends his hand to Jason and they shake. SERGIO Sergeant Sergio Figueroa. 40th Infantry Division. JASON Jason. In talks for Mission Impossible 5. SERGIO Ernie always said he needed a celebrity in the focus group. (to Holly) Whatd he say LA without celebrities was, again? Just Sunny. HOLLY SERGIO Just Sunny... Thats it!

Jason, pokes fun at Ernies maxim with his eyes. Holding in a chuckle, he nods and puffs his smoke. ERNIE (to Phillip) Sergio was in the group during my undergrad years. After 9/11. Thats how him and Holly met. SERGIO It was an important time to have a military presence in the focus group. HOLLY (looks at Sergio) And a peace presence... Holly pulls Sergio in, reminding him of her beliefs. SERGIO And a peace presence...

35. They kiss. Untangling, they turn and look at Ernie with love. HOLLY Well. Our plainstream babysitter Melissa has her SATs tomorrow. We should go. Sergio extends his hand to Ernie and when they shake begins to hold it. He places his other palm atop Ernies hand. SERGIO We owe it all to you Ernie. You and Dan Savage. Ernie smiles. Next, Holly and Ernie hug. ERNIE (to Sergio) Oh, well... Thank you. They stand there for a moment, the couple hand in hand. Holly looks at little wet around the eyes. Its clear Ernie is important to them. Finally, after a beat, they start to go... HOLLY Alright. Well see you cats on the fourth of July... Well miss you! ERNIE Miss you too... Bye guys. They walk off. After they do, Jason hands Ernie his still-lit cigarette and Ernie takes a drag. JASON You think they knew each other in a past life? ERNIE Huh? Maybe. Why? JASON Just trying to figure out how they ended up together. Ernie hands Jason the cigarette back. They look at the moon. JASON (CONTD) Yknow... You find these random people, full of life... People who wouldnt in a million years even stand next to each other in line at the DMV... (MORE)

36. JASON (CONTD) and you make them friends. You make them lovers. Thats... Phil trails off. He looks down at the ground and chuckles, thinking how Ernie doesnt know how great hes got it. ERNIE I guess I never really thought of it that way. They stand in silence. Phil offers Ernie the last drags of his smoke. Ernie declines and Phil flicks it away. JASON Here. Look at it this way. Lifes a game of numbers, right? Sure. ERNIE

JASON So look at your stats. My stats? ERNIE

JASON Whatever Johnny Meticulous. I know you know it. Whats the number? ERNIE Theres a lot of numbers... JASON (groans) People, Ernie. The number of people. The focus group alumni, their moms, the study subjects, the guys at delis you happened to get to know because 9,237. 9,237? ERNIE JASON

ERNIE And counting. JASON So, 9,237 people, know you. By name. And you know them. By name.

37. ERNIE I know a lot of their birthdays, too... I spend a fortune on postage. JASON (a beat, smiles, slowly:) Who can say that? ... I mean, that many people may know me, but I will never know any of them... Wow. Nine thousand people. Who can say that? Ernies face floods with guilt. The faces of those people flash before his eyes. In a moment he finally understands that while hes important to others he hasnt done much to deserve it in a long time. Then, Ernies eyes fill with hope. His worry washes away when he realizes that those who merit his love are not far away. MATCH CUT TO: INT. GEORGE AND MARTHAS APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - LATER Ernie stands in the middle of the party, smiling, looking off camera. Music plays on the speakers in the apartment. As the frame widens it becomes jam-packed with the smiling faces of everyone from his past. Wider still, all eyes are on Martha who carries a CAKE COVERED WITH LIT CANDLES. George follows her snapping photos. She brings the cake to Ernie and someone turns off the lights. Only Ernies face can be seen. He blows out the candles. BLACK. Everyone claps and cheers. The lights come on, Martha leans in and hugs Ernie. MARTHA So whats next? ERNIE Im gonna find Mom and Dad. Martha looks at Ernie, surprised. BLACK.