CONFESSIONS OF A TWELVE-YEAR-OLD Chapter One and 1st Confession

Sorry to disappoint you, but I am not twelve years old. However, before you return this book and call your attorney, please allow me to explain. You see there is a secret about men that all women know, yet none will reveal. Pressed by a man to admit it, most will only smile and nod in silent agreement. It is a large part of their power and their ability to run things from behind the curtain, yet still appear to be just washing the dishes. It is why men think men are in charge. (Theyre not.)

This knowledge was not gained from any book nor passed down from any ancestor. I have found no literary reference to it, historical record of it, or any TV infomercial trying to sell it. I have never seen a women offer it, yet have never heard one deny it. I believe I am the only man who knows it, and am now prepared to share it.

The secret all women know, quite simply, is Most men are 8-year-olds. This isnt to say we cant feed ourselves or run large corporations, but we are sorely lacking in one very important department: in the Department of Emotional Maturity department. In other words, when it comes to men, the best a billion years of evolution could fashion is a middle-aged body with an 8-year-old mentality.

Compared to women, men are very simple creatures; it doesnt take much to please us. A meal, a game, a drink, sex, a nap, another mealsee what I mean. Need I say, women are far more complex organisms. Where do I begin? Emotional support, marital support, financial support, Valentines Day, your anniversary, her birthday, her half-birthday just to name a few.

However, men are eight years old just on average. There are those of us who have soared out past the confines of the bell curve and are thus, the most highly prized of the species. We are the twelve-year-olds. We are as old as we get. Women tell other women, If you can find a twelve-year-old, grab em. Granted, we are still quite simple, but have managed to pick up a few civilized habits that make us almost teenagers. (And, what

woman these days doesnt savor a teenager.) We will go to a concert, maybe an opera, probably a ballet. We still like a good prize fight, but can appreciate yoga or The Notebook.

Then, there are the six-year-olds. They are hopeless and beyond redemption. Women know this and will avoid them like The Three Stooges.* This is why women complain there arent enough available men out there. Were there. Were just stooges.

So, what is the meaning of all this? Well, it only explains everything. Why do you think your wife insists on dissecting
*The Three Stooges are celebrated and revered worldwide by all men and considered to be the most hilarious comedians on the planet. Conversely, no woman has ever found them even remotely amusing; Stooge humor is a complete mystery to them. In fact, the gender divide on this subject is so pronounced, I predict that some day scientists will discover the male-only LarryMoeCurly gene rendering irrefutable scientific proof for my gender bonding theorem: R3 x T(am) = More Sex. (See Chapter 2: Relationships For Morons.)

every detail of every detail? To keep you confused and in line. Thats why. And, how do you explain all those misunderstandings and sleepless nights spent trying to predict what she will say? Its simple. Not only are you on different planets, you are in different time warps. You know how dog and human years arent the same. Well emotionally, on average, men age for eight years, then stop. Sure you were born around the same time as the Mrs., but shes not the one still painting her face for the playoffs.

Now, how does this allow your wife to control your life? Thats easy. Lets say she doesnt want you out carousing all night with your posse and hos. (An unreasonable, yet common demand.) She knows its not your fault. You cant help it.youre only eight. But, she has you convinced youre

much older...say forty. Men, you dont even qualify for Mars, if you cant see through this ruse. How could she possibly expect an eight-year-old to stay home with her and watch The Tudors. Even Henry was out getting his lamb chopped every chance he got. And, how did he deal with ridiculous demands? Well, that option is no longer available.

This feminist Three-card Monte* scam has gone on far too long. Armed with this startling revelation, for the first time in recorded history, men finally have the potential to break the shackles of male immaturity and gain the upper-hand. But, it wont be easy.

*In this variation of the centuries old con game, the traditional three playing cards are replaced by guilt, shame and remorse. As in the original, winning is impossible.

The stories and confessions ahead are very personal in nature and only one mans attempt to explain how he became entangled in this web of emotional bondage and deceit. And, because each of you, no doubt, will have had similar experiences, every man will relate to these life altering events in his own unique way.