Seddit - WIKI: Core Materials:Inner Game - Part 5

<<< Inner Game - Part 4

On eliminating neediness from your life

Why needines s is bad, why it exis ts , and how to fix it by chalengr Lately, I've been experiencing a lot of up and downs with my game. I think the problem comes down to needines s . What AFCs think is romantic: drama Love s ongs , Dis ney, and Hollywood all glorify the AFC living a pained existence and eventually getting the girl. The AFC is mopy, s ens itive, dramatic, and emo. He thinks s he is the one. He needs her for validation, and will s acrifice everything for her. Maybe the AFC is a s oldier, like in Dear John. Maybe the AFC is an awkward nerd, like in Superbad. It involves : 1) intens e and very genuine need; 2) need not being met. This s ells . Why? It creates tens ion and releas e. It's a form of s tory-telling. It is clear that the hero has good qualities that haven't s urfaced, and the girl jus t does n't s ee it yet. It offers a hope of winning the lottery without "s elling out". This fals e hope is embraced by the majority of the movie-watching population, which happens to contain mos tly AFCs . It's the s tory of the underdog, and los ers in life identify with it. The problem This is n't how the real world works . Imagine a job interview. Is the underdog the guy who gets hired? No, it's the guy who blows everyone away with his amazing res ourcefulnes s , and his abundant ability to add s urvival value to the firm. The football team captain gets the girl. The douchebag gets the girl. The fun guy who's having a hilarious and jolly time gets the girl. The guy who's adding value and getting s hit done (becaus e he's in a good mood and not moping) gets the girl. The ups tanding "emo" s elf-victimized guy gets dumped. "Sorry, you're a s weet guy, but I don't like you like that, becaus e you're weak and lame." When it's done in the movies , the guy is s weet and genuine. But in the real world, the guy is weak. The movies are advocating the epitome of what women find repuls ive. Having a guy fall in love with you is dis gus ting, if he's jus t a los er. Truth: Women don't think romantically Imagine yours elf in the wild, in cavemen times , when res ources were s carce, and a man had to be decis ive, or be killed. Women don't have time for emo needines s . They avoid needy guys ; they've experienced needy guys hitting on them, and they try to avoid thos e guys , becaus e they're an indis tinguis hable blur of failures . Women try to prevent thems elves from feeling needy as well, becaus e they know it's unattractive. Women are practical-minded and abundance-s eeking; rarely do they wallow and mope. They are highly emotionally res ilient. Sorry, they DO NOT s hare your feelings of intens e longing and s adnes s . Unfortunately, a lot of AFCs don't have much experience with needy women. So they aren't aware of the repuls ivenes s of needines s . So they think it's OK if they feel it. They think it's romantic, and idealize their needy behaviors as being genuine and devoted. They're living in a s heltered fals e reality. They don't unders tand that a woman's bigges t turn-on is s trength, not weaknes s . The Opposite Relaxed, dominant, decis ive, commanding, abundant, laughing, s elf-amus ing, engaged, open. Your s tate is good, and your s trong frame keeps your s tate from getting fucked by negative thinking, s etbacks , blow-outs , amogs , and s hit-tes ts . In every happy marriage I've s een in real life, the hus band was rock s olid s trong and happy.

A Good Hack Act like a big happy baby, ins tead of a crybaby. Having fun, being childis hly irreverent and carefree. This will break you out of the needines s s tate. Remember when your mom was away when you were a kid, and you mis s ed her, and wanted her attention? Don't be that. Remember when your mom was right there and you were happily bus y playing? Be that. Why s pend your time being s ad and dramatic and emo, when you can jus t enjoy the moment and feel good? You put the needy guy and abundant guy s ide-by-s ide in your mind, and you s ee immediately which vers ion of you is more appealing to women. As s ume things are going to be OK, and do your thing. If you feel a lot of freedom, you will naturally be creative and as s ertive, and s he will naturally be attracted to who you are.

Step-by-step guide for improving yourself

Les s ons in Game by VanNorden This was originally going to be a res pons e to Lets Jus tBeFiends ' field report but I got carried away. Some of thes e are things I have to remind mys elf of regularly and s ome Ive worked naturally into my daily routine, but all of them have been working wonders for my s elf es teem and Ive s een mas s ive improvement in mys elf. Things won't jus t click, not without s ome effort. Nobody wakes up one morning and is an expert. Here's what to do. Firs t and foremos t, get into the minds et that you are cons tantly improving yours elf. Mind (the ability to control your own thought patterns and mood), Body (s elf explanatory), and Soul (Not religious , by s oul I mean your pas s ion and love of life). Thes e three things are connected, the better you get at one the better you will get at the others , they all feed one another. Everything is trans ient, your minds et, your mood, your phys ical body; it all has the potential for change all it takes is a little will power. Go out with the sole intention of having fun and meeting people. If you get nervous , a good way to calm your overthinking or anxiety is to take a moment and feel your feet on the ground or the air hitting your hands or face. This will help to externalize your focus and help you to put yours elf in the moment (ever heard of the s aying keep your feet on the ground?). Find a trick that will work for you to clear your mind and force you to be aware of the world around you and practice it. Being in the moment is immens ely important in game, forcing yours elf to be pres ent brings out a s pontaneous and charming s ide of you that you dont even know you have. Als o paying attention to your peripheral vis ion for a few s econds will help you become more aware of the world around you. Practice your s mile in the mirror or when your watching tv or walking around. Smiling, even a fake s mile, has been s hown to increas e s erotonin making you feel better and more and relaxed. The more you s mile the more naturally it will come out in the field. Plus a healthy s mile will make you more approachable. Read about body language, IOI's , etc. and then forget about them, once you have the knowledge you'll begin to notice thes e things without trying to. Actively looking for IOIs will dis tract you from your goal: enjoying yours elf. Work out, jus t do it. Pus h-ups , Pull-ups , and s it ups everyday (I als o s tretch jus t becaus e of how inflexible I am), NO EXCUSES (check out the iron gym pull up bar, it hangs on any door and cos ts $20) Go to the gym 3 times every week and exercis e whole body, es pecially your legs . Your legs are the larges t mus cles in your body and working them releas es tes tos terone and growth hormone which again will boos t your confidence and naturally make you more manly. Run or cycle. I cant s tres s this enough, phys ical exercis e will build your confidence, energy levels , make you more phys ically attractive, and increas e your s tamina in the bedroom s o DO IT. Teach yours elf to relax or meditate while you work out. The bes t way is to concentrate on your breathing, doing this will get you to learn how to calm your mind under s tres s ful conditions and will help immens ely in the field. Als o when doing your daily pus h ups , s it ups , and pull ups , dont count how many youre doing, focus on your form and breathing and do them till it burns . When you feel like you cant do any more, then count out 5-10 more and s top. Next talk to people, everyone, s top trying to jus t pick up women. By everyone I mean EVERYONE, old people, young people, fat people, s kinny people, ugly people, beautiful people. You will never be attractive to women if you don't have s ocial s kills and

s ocial s kills s tem from practice. Think about how many people you s ee everyday, now think about how many of thos e you find phys ically attractive. By focus ing only on women you are phys ically attracted to, you are removing 75-80% of your learning potential. Als o, women take notice when you are talking to people, they notice when you are having a good time and enjoying yours elf and helping others to do the s ame, and the more you talk to people the more you will s ee women glancing over at you and checking you out. The s ecret to being fun is having fun, its that eas y. Its called letting yours elf go, being in the moment, allowing yours elf to experience everything that a point in time has to offer. People love to s ocialize s o help them indulge in that pleas ure. Become good at lis tening, dont wait for your turn to talk, dont prep s tatements in your head, lis ten. If you can really lis ten to s omebody they will love you and res pect you. Being a good lis tener is more than us ing your ears , it's a complex s kill involving your entire body. Pos ture, eye contact, facial expres s ions , hand movements , fidgeting, how you s hift your weight, all of thes e things are jus t a fraction of what contributes to the act of lis tening. Actively trying to control all of thes e things at the s ame time is impos s ible, however if you allow yours elf to be in the moment they all tend to fall in line naturally and with s urpris ing eas e. Improve your lis tening enough and eventually you will begin to pick up on hints of vocal emotion and notice s ubtle changes of expres s ion without even trying, both of which can be s pringboards to making a convers ation even more meaningful for both you and whoever youre talking to. When talking to s omeone male or female maintain eye contact but eas e up on it a little if they s eem uncomfortable (many people are as s hy or more s hy than you are), the more you get to know each other the more comfortable they will be and the more eye contact you will get. If you mes s up or s ay s omething you think is s tupid, dont worry about it. Jus t let it go. If you keep worrying about s omething you s aid 10 or 20 s econds ago youll mis s out on whats happening right now. If you feel like your getting s hut out of a convers ation or that there is a bit of an awkward lull, let your attention drift, look around for other people to talk to and either youll get pulled back into the convers ation or youll find s omeone new to talk to. Dont feel the need to s tand around waiting for s omeone els e to include you. Remember you arent there to prove anything to anybody but yours elf. When talking to a woman, dont let your gaze wander below her mouth, s he might not notice but you can bet her friends will. Checking out a womans body while youre talking to her can throw you off your game, es pecially if s hes very attractive; s uddenly youll find yours elf trying too hard or over qualifying and s hell quickly los e interes t. Shes jus t another pers on, nothing more, nothing les s . The fact her genes gave her a nice as s or legs is irrelevant to building a connection with her, let it go. Don't run routines , force yours elf to be creative. You might be terrible at it at firs t (I was ) but that will pas s . Give yours elf the opportunity to think on your feet and you will get better at it. If youre going to drink when you go out (I would heavily advis e agains t this but to each his own) dont do s o for s ocial lubrication do it for the experience of doing it. You might think, why does the reas on matter? but minds et is key. Your brain is s o powerful that by thinking you need alcohol to become more s ociable you are s ubcons cious ly convincing yours elf that s ober you is nt fun and then youll begin to feel more s elf cons cious and then youll become s tiff and awkward. Your thoughts precede your moods which precede your actions . The cool thing is that thoughts are completely under your control. Go out dancing, almos t all women love to dance. When you do jus t go crazy, make a fool of yours elf if you have to, jus t have fun. Youll get better, and if you dont think you are getting better then take s ome les s ons . Dancing is a great way to learn how to let yours elf go. Being a good dancer is nt about knowing moves or being cool, its about having fun. One of the s exies t women I known told me that the bes t dancers in the clubs are the guys who look like they dont give a fuck and are jus t having fun. Women love a man who can dance and if you can take a woman out and s how her you can dance s hell be yours for a looooong time. Find hobbies or s kills and be pas s ionate about them. The more the better but never s acrifice quality for quantity. Dont flaunt your s kills and try to s how them off, opportunities to s how what you can do will pres ent thems elves naturally. Stay mys terious . For example, I dated a girl for 4 months before s he learned I s cuba dive, and I didnt even mean to tell her. I overheard a couple talking about a s cuba trip during lunch one day and s truck up a convers ation with them about it. When I turned back around my then girlfriend looked at me as if Id jus t s aved a s chool bus full of puppies and orphans .

Ive got more but this s hould be more than enough to get you s tarted. Good luck, and for your own s ake have fun.

On being in state and assuming attraction

Why Being In State is Important & Why NOT to Wait for IOIs , or, What Drinking Alcohol Taught Me by TofuTofu Hi guys . So I was at one of the greates t parties I've ever s een las t night. It was a s pecial event involving a fas hion s how and was packed to the gills with models . Before that I s pent three hours on the mos t boring, low-energy triple dinner date I've ever been on. Bas ically, throughout the night, I went through all the Stations of the Chode: s tarting from being optimis tic but not in s tate, to getting completely blown out ten times in a row, to falling 100% out of s tate, to buzzed on booze, to in s tate and enjoying the mus ic, to being the life of the party and having groups of HB9 models opening me. It gave me a lot to think about. Why did things change s o dramatically as the night went on? There were two big changes : Drinking alcohol and getting in s tate. As I s tarted drinking pretty heavily, a new DJ came on playing mus ic I was really enjoying. Letting loos e, dancing, and generally no longer giving a fuck about all the models in the room was what launched me into being in s tate. Being in s tate was what changed my entire body language from "try-hard PUA having a bad night" to "fun alpha male having a good time." This is what attracted the girls. When the firs t 3-s et of models came over to s ay hi to me and s ee "who this guy is ," I almos t couldn't believe it! Being in s tate makes a HUGE difference. I cannot s tres s this enough: learn what factors and actions get you in state and learn to reproduce them!! Your s hitties t "game" while in s tate will always trump the s moothes t "game" you can run while out of s tate. TRUST ME ON THIS, SEDDIT! The other factor was I was getting drunk. Though this can boos t your s tate, it's not really that big a factor. What being buzzed does though, is gets you out of your mind and into the moment. I re-approached s ets that blew out like Hiros hima earlier in the night and the s econd time they s tuck. As I reflected upon this , I realized that, while fueled on alcohol, I was able to eas ily as s ume attraction and not look for any IOIs . Waiting for IOIs is an outdated, chump model of pickup. ASSUME SHE IS ATTRACTED TO YOU!! If a girl is next to you, SHE'S ATTRACTED, GO! If a girl is in the corner s ipping a Mai-Tai, SHE'S ATTRACTED, GO! If a girl is walking down the s treet with her earbuds in, SHE'S ATTRACTED, GO! If you bas e your s tate and whether or not you make a move on whether s he gives you IOIs , you'll mis s out on 90% of potentially good s ets . So next time you're out in the field, get yours elf in s tate and and plow in! You'll be amazed how often the s et opens ! Good luck, gentlemen. I wanna be clear I am not s aying, "Get drunk! Your game will improve!" I am s aying that not thinking about whether or not a girl is giving off any IOIs is good advice.

On how Vulnerability is totally congruent with Alphaness

Vulnerability - Alpha vs Beta (and other concepts ) by tes tmypatience The popular theme I have read about is that vulnerability is a "beta" quality. Yes the word vulnerable brings up negative connotations that do remind us all of beta behavior. Mos t material on Alpha Male behavior s ometimes can be s een as mis ogynis tic while the word vulnerable has taken on a feminine connotation. Connotations are huge when it comes to how we perceive things . This is in fact why a lot of what we do

feminine connotation. Connotations are huge when it comes to how we perceive things . This is in fact why a lot of what we do in s eddit comes to how we word our intentions to get the correct outcome we were thinking. So let's s traighten this out and try and dis pel this mis conception that being vulnerable is a bad thing in Alpha Male behavior. Excerpt from an article Firs t, lets define s ome terms . Alpha Male: Us ed as a term s ynonymous with men who are high s tatus and therefore cons idered attractive. Alpha males are generally regarded as men who are s elf-reliant, confident, as s ertive, pro-active, and s tands up for hims elf. Vulnerability: A willingnes s to expos e ones elf to weaknes s or failure. Now, lets take a look at the types of behaviors the above concepts typically entail. Alpha Males typically behave the following ways : Go after what they want without s hame or apology. Are comfortable with oppos ition or rejection by others . Prioritize their own needs over others , unles s they choos e otherwis e. Are willing to take ris ks and s tand up for their own values and beliefs . Men who are comfortable with being vulnerable typically behave the following ways : They expres s thems elves without s hame or apology. Are comfortable with oppos ition or rejection by others . Prioritize their own beliefs and values over others , unles s they choos e otherwis e. Are willing to take ris ks and s tand up for their values and beliefs . Vulnerability: A willingnes s to expos e ones elf to weaknes s or failure. Now, lets take a look at the types of behaviors the above concepts typically entail. Alpha Males typically behave the following ways : Go after what they want without s hame or apology. Are comfortable with oppos ition or rejection by others . Prioritize their own needs over others , unles s they choos e otherwis e. Are willing to take ris ks and s tand up for their own values and beliefs . Men who are comfortable with being vulnerable typically behave the following ways : They expres s thems elves without s hame or apology. Are comfortable with oppos ition or rejection by others . Prioritize their own beliefs and values over others , unles s they choos e otherwis e. Are willing to take ris ks and s tand up for their values and beliefs . End of excerpt from article The negative connotation of the word vulnerable is that of weaknes s . People feel that it make them weak. Lets find out what that is nt s o true after all. Every time a man makes an approach when there is no apparent connection already he feels vulnerable. When you have any form of communication with a woman you are being vulnerable s uch as ; jokes , opinions , compliments , etc. A mans ability to expres s hims elf and as s ert his des ires grows and expands in proportion to his willingnes s to make hims elf vulnerable. To put it another way: a mans ability to be an alpha male is proportional to how willing he is to make hims elf vulnerable. Vulnerability is the connection between a mans drives and emotions and him expres s ing thos e drives and emotions . The more you can expres s yours elf and as s ert your des ires the more vulnerable you will be.

There are many examples I could us e for this . The bes t I can think of is s kateboarding. Anyone who has tried s kateboarding or watched knows that there will be mas s ive falls . The better the trick the more you are putting yours elf out there for failure with an awes ome chance of s mas hing your face into the pavement. You can only do that awes ome trick if you make yours elf vulnerable to failure. The more you practice the better you will become at thos e tricks . You will als o be able to tolerate failure better. Being vulnerable invites the opportunity for failure. It is how you deal with the failure that makes you alpha or beta. The ultimate beta will be res erved, s hy, and go along with what everyone els e is doing. He is follower ins tead of a leader. Some call this being a s heep. His actions and attitudes are mos tly determined by being accepted by others . He puts a womans needs and wants above his own. How vulnerable do you think he is making hims elf? By not as s erting hims elf he is not making hims elf vulnerable by initiating convers ation. Becaus e he is unwilling to s hare his true s elf with others he is not vulnerable in s ocial s ituations . Las t but not leas t In putting everyone before hims elf he is unwilling to make hims elf vulnerable when confronted with oppos ition. Vulnerability and the clas s ic concept of the alpha are ins eparable. A lot of people feel that when we talk about being emotionally vulnerable that it is beta behavior. From a quick look you may feel this is true. Yes we are going to s hare our feelings and true des ires . The key to this is to be non-needy while doing s o. Almos t all things that are cons idered beta come from a place of needines s . If you can put yours elf out there without flinching or feel like you are being judged then you s hould be jus t fine. A good example of this type of thing is dancing. The bes t times dancing are when you dont give a fuck that people are watching. As s oon as you s tart thinking about people judging you and how you dance you will get nervous and tens e and s tart dancing terribly. Sure there are s ome people that s uck at dancing but gues s what you will have a greater chance of s ucces s if you jus t have fun and dont care what others think. If you do it for your own s atis faction and not to gain other peoples attention that is fine. Attention getting people always can be s een as not being genuine. Be genuine. Be bold. Be awesome. Be yourself. The guys who freak out about emotional vulnerability are the s ame guys who complain about flakey women, LMR , cock blockers , twat s watters , etc. You have a greater chance of s ucces s when you really connect on a deeper level where s he feels nobody has been in a long time. Sex is eas y to accomplis h. Deep emotional connection is harder to accomplis h. Women will go to great lengths to feel that connection in the face of all types of advers ity including looks , being poor, homeles s , etc. They jus t want to feel that love. A man who is unable to go to emotional places and be vulnerable s ub-communicate ins ecurity. Not taking chances is very beta. No pain no gain. A lot of the pickup community gives many s hortcuts and overzealous points of view to compens ate for beta behavior. This is a s ide effect of having to learn Alpha Behavior later on in life vs growing into it at an early age. This tactic is actually done quite often with teaching. There is a certain s et of data they want you to remember. So what they do is overcompens ate and teach you more data than you need to learn. The end res ult is remembering around the percentage they were hoping you to. For ins tance if they wanted you to s core a 100% on a tes t they would teach you 150% knowing that you would los e 50% of the data. This would leave you with that 100% (thes e are arbitrary numbers made up to make a point) Excerpt from an article When a guy has s pent his entire life being needy (or beta), magically trans forming hims elf into an alpha is much eas ier s aid than done. One mus t develop genuine confidence, s elf-res pect, a healthy s ens e of boundaries among other things . Its often a painful long-term proces s that entails quite a bit of intros pection, ques tioning, doubt, anger, frus tration, pers onal

development, lifes tyle changes , and s o on. But theres a s hortcut. And thats to objectify women. When a woman becomes merely another conques t, a number, s omething to treat like a trophy or a toy, it s uddenly becomes extremely eas y to as s ert yours elf around them, to prioritize your own values and beliefs over theirs , to ris k rejection around them, and dominate any pers pectives they may have all attractive alpha traits , merely expres s ed in horrible ways . End of excerpt from article In doing this you get fake alpha behavior commonly known as Douche Bags . They are angry, confus ed, emotionally uns table and unavailable. Women look for thes e things in a man: When starting off Confidence Fun When in a relationship Stability Emotional availability Ability to provide and be a good hus band If the guy only has the top traits then s he gets s ucked in. Gets ups et and dumps the guy. The guy then gets more angry and ups et and continues s piraling. Without the las t traits the guy is a douche. Without the top traits you are only beta. Low s elf es teem women cant s eem to filter out douche bags eas ily. Higher quality women generally s creen to s ee if they s ee the other qualities in the s econd lis t. Not every time does it work becaus e s ome people are good at hiding s hit or jus t pulling a fas t one. Nobody is perfect. An Alpha Male will be vulnerable yet will res pond appropriately to any attacks made on his beliefs and opinions without being reactionary or needy. That is why we talk about being non-needy and un-reactionary s o much here on s eddit. Show that awes ome s elf but jus t be prepared to get fucked with. Apha Male - The ability to be vulnerable and cope with rejection and ins ults . Beta Male - The inability to be vulnerable and cope with rejection and ins ults . Many excerpts and ideas borrowed from The Fake Alpha Males

Inner Game - Part 6 >>>