HARDECOURT HERALD 2012

Its been another gruelling year for us cats running the show here at Les Alouettes and trying to keep those useless Piuks on track. The very fact that they are still in business and indeed thriving in these cash-strapped times speaks volumes for how talented (and modest) we are. And what thanks do we get? Very little. We are only fed about 10 times day, constant interruptions of our snoozes with various dins, and a very hard life. Its a wonder we have the strength to carry on. So before we put a call in to the French RSPCA, here are a few highlights of the year.

AN ENGLISH ROSE

Joining the Herald staff recently has been Mia who hails from Gilberdyke back in Blighty and is heading up our Foreign Desk and keeping the foreigners in check. She has just about got used to the taste of the snail flavoured cat food (with added garlic) and whacks any of the Frenchies who try and kiss her when a good firm handshake is all that is required thank you. Sadly staff numbers were depleted when Mathilde went to puss heaven in August and Charles Trenet transferred to the Combles Chronicle. Making his presence felt is a new visitor called Rommel who is certainly invading our space.

TIDDLYWINKS PARTY

There has been some recent prickly activity reported in OUR PATCH... 3 oddlooking spiky creatures were spotted eating our well-earned rations. Even the local slugs were invited to the party but were duly ignored due to the far superior chat food.

LOVE THY NEIGHBOUR

First reports of a puzzling and disturbing sighting came from roving reporter Chloe about six weeks ago as she checked out the garden of number 12 next door. Long regarded as our patch by the editorial staff due to absence of inhabitants, the shutters were flung open one Monday afternoon to reveal our Mummy. We thought it was further evidence of her having lost the plot and being in the wrong house as she is a funny age, but further investigations revealed that those feckless Piuks have bought it. A special undercover investigation has now discovered that they intend to flatten the house (much akin to the Germans in 14-18) and build a new property in its place. What implications this will have for our peace and quiet and whether it will mean enough left over for cat rations has yet to be determined. But we will be monitoring and overseeing the development.

I WILL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE

Most intrepid of our roving reporters has been Ren, alias 007, who is regularly called to missions in the locality. Sun or rain does not put him off and his longest assignment was in the summer when he was off for ten weeks. Sightings of him with Prince Harry taking on the Taliban, being in the Olympics and appearing in the latest Skyfall film cannot be commented upon.

LOOK OUT NESSIE

Sightings of the Loch Ness Monster have allegedly been spotted in the local swimming pool in Albert. On closer inspection the rumours were scotched as it was indeed Daddy getting into shape for the Olympics. Rebecca Adlington was fearful of losing her gongs to Nessie and through stress of her arch rival she missed out on her expected gold.

FESTIVE FELINE GREETINGS

All it remains for us to do now is wish a hale and hearty Christmas greeting to all our loyal readers, along with hopes for a happy and healthy New Year, with perhaps a chance to see each other in 2013, and if you do come to visit us please bring some cat sachets as those Piuks never feed us...