La Manche Draft 2 - 21.12.08

La Manche
by
Richard Knight
Draft 2. 22nd December 2008
Note: Unless otherwise specified, the dialogue is all

in the French language.
E: Farmboyrich@gmail.com
2
1 EXT FERRY DAY
ELIZA (11) stands on the deck of a large car ferry with

her foster parents JACQUES (35) and CHARLOTTE (38).
Another family accompanies them. They are GENE (45), his

wife ANNIE (40), children ROBERT (9) and LUC (7), and
finally Annie’s father, PHILIPPE (68).
GENE
Be amazed by the Coliseum,
the leaning Tower of Pisa,
the Doges Palace..
ANNIE
Gene.
GENE (ignoring her)

The Bay of Naples, Vesuvius,
Pompeii. The battlefield at
Arcole, a place of victory
for Napoleon’s mighty army.
But no. We choose..
Switch to a view from behind the group.. looming up in

front of them, the WHITE CLIFFS OF DOVER.
GENE (CONT’D, resigned)

..England.
They walk out of frame.
We hear: French Radio
2 EXT DOVER FERRY TERMINAL DAY
The three Motorhomes exit the ferry onto English soil.
We hear: The French Radio DJ speaking, introducing a

very French tune.
3 INT/EXT GENE’S MOTORHOME/DOVER DAY
The Motorhome convoy pass the sign instructing them to

“DRIVE ON THE LEFT.” In Gene’s Motorhome, the largest of
the three, driver GENE sees the sign and gives a wry
smile.
2
3
Sitting next to him is his wife ANNIE. In the back,

their children ROBERT & LUC.
The French Music on the radio crackles to static as the

signal is lost.
4 INT/EXT JACQUES’ MOTORHOME/DOVER DAY
JACQUES drives his smaller motorhome, the style is much

more Bohemian.
Partner CHARLOTTE in the passenger seat. Seated in the

back, ELIZA.
We hear: the crackle of static fades into English Radio.
RADIO JINGLE (v.o)

BBC Radio 2..
And then the radio plays a nice English tune.
5 INT/EXT PHILLIPE’S MOTORHOME/ROADS DAY
In the smallest, oldest motorhome, old man PHILLIPE is

driving as the music on the radio continues.
6 EXT COAST ROADS NEAR EASTBOURNE DAY
The Motorhomes head along a stretch of coast road.
ANNIE (V.O)
Look children, you can see
France from here.
GENE (V.O)
We could have seen it a lot
better if we’d stayed there.
7 EXT CLIFFTOP VIEWPOINT DAY
The three are parked at a cliff top view point.
GENE, ANNIE, ROBERT, LUC, PHILLIPE, JACQUES, CHARLOTTE

and ELIZA admire the view.
JACQUES
A photo?
3
4
He sets his camera on a rock nearby.
GENE
Today would be good.
JACQUES eventually gets the shot he’s after. He sets the

camera timer and runs into the shot.
They all smile. There’s a delay. Smiles cracking. The

camera slips a little. Click.
Cut to:
PHOTOGRAPH – A badly framed photograph of the group on

the cliff top, heads missing etc.
Title on this image: LA MANCHE.
8 EXT BREEZES CARAVAN PARK HASTINGS EVENING
The three Motorhomes head into the entrance of Breezes

Caravan Park.
They are followed by quite a queue of cars who all gladly

accelerate as the motorhomes exit the road.
9 EXT BREEZES PARK EVENING
The motorhomes are parked in such a way as to form three

sides of a square.
On the left – PHILLIPE’S MOTORHOME

At the back in the middle – GENE AND ANNIE’S MOTORHOME
On the right – JACQUES AND CHARLOTTE’S MOTORHOME
This is the French enclave, the centre of things.
In the middle, ANNIE sits at a large folding table,

preparing food. Cutting cheese. Sausage. Baguettes.
CHARLOTTE helps.
ANNIE’S children, ROBERT & LUC, play a game of tag,

running round the table. Foster child ELIZA watches from
the sidelines.
CHARLOTTE
I like mine really thick
sliced. Is this from
4
5
the Geant?
ANNIE
Yes.
CHARLOTTE
I like the Geant. Is there
enough for the trip?
PHILLIPE opens a bottle of wine.
ANNIE
So long as the men don’t
eat like pigs.
PHILLIPE
We’re on holiday.
We can eat like piglets,
if we want to.
ANNIE’S children, ROBERT & LUC bump into the table.
ANNIE
Hey, careful!
Why don’t you play a game
you can all play?
ROBERT
We can all play tag Mama.
ANNIE
So.. ask Eliza if she wants
to play.
ELIZA (polite)
No thank you.
CHARLOTTE
Why don’t you play with the
boys?
ELIZA holds firm. CHARLOTTE doesn’t push it.
PHILLIPE sneaks a wink and a smile towards ELIZA. She

doesn’t respond to it.
10 EXT BACK OF MOTORHOMES NIGHT 10
GENE and JACQUES are at the back of JACQUES motorhome,

trying to switch the gas bottle on. GENE holds a torch.
5
6
The gas switch positions are unmarked. Jacques turns it

several times.
JACQUES
I don’t remember which
way is on now.
GENE
Go inside and try the hob.
JACQUES does as he’s told. GENE turns the switch.
GENE (cont’d)
Anything?
JACQUES (off)
No.
GENE turns the switch again.
GENE
Now?
JACQUES (off)
No.
Puzzled, GENE uncouples the gas bottle and lifts it. It

is empty. JACQUES returns.
GENE
Here’s your problem.
Empty.
GENE puts the bottle back into its’ housing and checks
the other gas bottle. It is full. He switches the gas
pipe over to the full bottle.
JACQUES
That should last us though?
GENE gives the look of a man who leaves nothing to luck.
They walk over to the back of GENE’S MOTORHOME.
GENE presses a switch and the door to his gas bottle

store opens automatically. At the same time, a work
light comes on.
GENE
I fitted that.
6
7
JACQUES
Nice.
The gas switch of Gene’s motorhome has had another Gene

modification, a little piece of board fitted to the back
of it.
In luminous paint on the board are the “On” and “Off”

positions clearly marked.
GENE smugly turns the switch to “on” and closes the door.
GENE
All done.
11 EXT FRENCH ENCLAVE CAMPSITE TABLE NIGHT
GENE and JACQUES join ANNIE, CHARLOTTE, old man PHILLIPE

and the children ROBERT, LUC and ELIZA around the table.
PHILLIPE lays the carving knife across a side of ham. He

moves the knife across the ham to take a bigger slice.
He notices GENE staring at him with obvious disapproval.
PHILLIPE
Yes?
ANNIE (to Gene)

We are on holiday.
GENE (flatly)
Fine.
(beat)
All I’m saying is, the less
food we actually have to buy
here, the better.
PHILLIPE sits back down and very theatrically puts the

whole of the slice of ham into his mouth.
He sees his grandson ROBERT looking at him.
PHILLIPE (with mouth full)

What?
ROBERT giggles.
PHILLIPE (cont’d mouth full)
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8
Don’t you start.
PHILLIPE finishes the mouthful with satisfaction.
PHILLIPE (cont’d)
What’s wrong with English
food anyway? It never did
me any harm.
ANNIE and GENE exchange glances, PHILLIPE pours himself a

glass of wine to swill down the ham.
JACQUES and CHARLOTTE have been watching PHILLIPE’S

theatrics with empty glasses, which he now notices.
PHILLIPE
Pardon my appalling manners.
I’m so sorry.
He refills JACQUES and CHARLOTTE’S glasses.
JACQUES sips his wine.
JACQUES
Excellent wine, Phillipe.
PHILLIPE
It is the occasion of my
return, so something more
than a Vin du Pays, eh?
ANNIE throws him a glance. A warning. Don’t start.

This time Jacques bites.
JACQUES (to Phillipe)

You’ve been here before?
GENE (to himself)

Here we go.
PHILLIPE
Many times. I was evacuated
to England in 1941.
ANNIE
Dad..
PHILLIPE ignores her.
PHILLIPE
My father was in the
8
9
resistance. It was a tough

time, mother.. she left.
It’s a long story. He was
captured.
JACQUES
Where did you stay?
PHILLIPE
They moved us around all the
time. But I spent the
longest time at 10 Lord Nelson
Street, Nottingham.
PHILLIPE takes a long draught of wine, staring,

remembering.
PHILLIPE (cont’d)
Mavis Enderby – my Florence
Nightingale.
JACQUES
Who was she, a wet nurse?
PHILLIPE
More like a mother. She
rescued us all, turned us
back into humans.
They drink.
12 INT GENE & ANNIE’S MOTORHOME NIGHT
GENE and ANNIE are in the bed of their motor home.
GENE
He’s going to turn it into
one of his sentimental
journeys.
ANNIE
He was only answering their
questions.
GENE
I knew we’d arrive after
dark.
ANNIE
It doesn’t matter now, stop
9
10
worrying so much. You’re on

holiday after all.
GENE
What do you think of Eliza?
ANNIE
She’s lovely. A bit shy but
that’s only to be expected.
GENE
It must be strange for her.
A new family served up for
her like.. breakfast.
ANNIE
Breakfast? You’re so
ineloquent sometimes. It’s
nothing like breakfast!
GENE
Yes but.. oh you know what I
mean. One minute you’re..
and then the next, you’re..
on an English campsite with
a bunch of strangers.
ANNIE
Robert and Luc like her.
A pause.
GENE
I can’t believe he didn’t check
his gas before he left.
(beat)
He reckons one bottle’s
enough.
ANNIE
Will it be?
GENE
Probably.
(double beat)
I’ll get him a refill in the
morning.
ANNIE
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11
Oh honey don’t get involved.

You have to let people do
things for themselves.
GENE
Which is fine when they know
what they’re doing.
ANNIE
Oh give it a rest. Please.
GENE
Sorry.
He kisses her. They settle.
13 INT JACQUES’ and CHARLOTTE’S MOTORHOME NIGHT
JACQUES and CHARLOTTE are in bed.
CHARLOTTE
What a long day.
JACQUES
Nice to be here though.
CHARLOTTE
I’m glad we joined them,
are you?
JACQUES
Yes. Good choice for a
first..
He fades away in thought.
CHARLOTTE
Gene can be a bit cynical.
JACQUES
I admire his attention to
detail. Something I can
only aspire to I’m afraid.
CHARLOTTE
I didn’t know Phillipe was
here in the war.
I suppose it’s not what you
talk about.
(beat)
11
12
Did you see how Annie wanted

to cut him off though?
JACQUES
Perhaps she doesn’t want him
to get over emotional.
A pause, and their conversation turns to Eliza.
CHARLOTTE
She seems to get on ok with
Robert and Luc.
JACQUES
Yes, I hope they bring her
out of herself a bit.
CHARLOTTE
Does it worry you? Her
lack of chatter.
JACQUES
Not much – I just wish
we’d made a bit more
progress by now.
CHARLOTTE
Magritte said we had to be
patient.
JACQUES
Yes, I suppose.
And then we drift onto ELIZA, wide awake and listening.
14 INT PHILLIPE’S CAMPER VAN NIGHT
PHILLIPE sits up in bed reading a MAP OF BRITAIN. He

puts a pencil mark by their location (the campsite near
Hastings) and writes the figure “1” next to it.
15 EXT FRENCH ENCLAVE MORNING
Establisher of the motorhomes. In the morning light we

see:
Gene and Annie’s Motorhome has an awning which is half

blue and half white. To the right of their motorhome,
Jacques and Charlotte’s motorhome has a red awning.
12
13
The effect is that on the wide establisher, we see before

us the colours of the French flag. Blue, White, Red.
JACQUES exits his motorhome just as GENE arrives back

from the on site shop with a full gas bottle.
16 EXT COAST ROADS/BEACH ROAD DAY
The three Motorhomes head along a narrow coast road.
There is already quite a queue of traffic behind them.
We hear: BBC Radio 2 traffic report.
SALLY TRAFFIC (on Radio)

Big queues on the Westway
heading in to London, thanks
to Polly Filler, Brains and
others for that one. And the
M6 is closed southbound at
junction 3, that’s Coventry.
Traffic on all nearby roads
is solid too, thanks to
everyone who’s phoned in
about that one.
17 EXT BEACH DAY
The group arrive at a quintessential English beach.
GENE has plenty of equipment to set up, wind break, deck

chairs etc. Laying out of rugs, and the opening of a
picnic hamper.
ROBERT and LUC are making sandcastles. ELIZA watches,

from nearby.
JACQUES
This is the life, eh?
CHARLOTTE removes her outer garments to reveal a rather

sexy bikini.
A crafty perusal of her curves from GENE.
CHARLOTTE
I love the beach but I can’t
stand the sand.
13
14
ANNIE dressed more conservatively.
JACQUES helps the kids make sandcastles. ROBERT builds

four sandcastles in a square, all touching each other.
ROBERT
Now..
He tips a fifth sandcastle squarely into the centre of

the other four, on top of them, and lifts the bucket
away.
LUC (to Gene)

Look Papa!
Gene regards the two-storey sandcastle with approval.
GENE
Look at my boy, a civil
engineer.
His wife ANNIE keeps her head in her novel.
ROBERT
Can we go exploring?
ANNIE
Of course you can.
ELIZA looks towards JACQUES. Jacques gestures, of course

she can join the boys. The children wander off. JACQUES
turns to CHARLOTTE with a big thumbs up, finally Eliza is
participating.
18 EXT ROCKPOOLS LATER DAY
ROBERT, LUC and ELIZA walk across rocks, exploring rock

pools, with a small net. It is a very beautiful moment.
Later, at a rock pool, they fish a crab from the water

with their net.
19 EXT BEACH DAY
JACQUES is reading “Practical Parenting” for tips.
GENE is on the telephone. At the same time, he is making

a sandcastle.
14
15
He tips the bucket upside down, then takes a spirit level

from his pocket, setting it on top of the sandcastle
before lifting off the bucket.
GENE (into phone)

Tell him, if he doesn’t like
the answers then stop asking
questions.
(beat)
Give me his number and I’ll
speak to him.
ANNIE is listening in. She makes the sign of a phone

being put down. GENE ignores her. PHILLIPE is trying to
attract ANNIE’S attention.
PHILLIPE
Annie.
GENE (into phone)

It is correct to within 0.3
millimetres, the tolerance
level given to me, by him,
was 0.6.
PHILLIPE
Annie..
ANNIE (vexed)
What is it Dad?
PHILLIPE
When we head north, do you
think we could go to
Nottingham?
ANNIE
It’s out of the way, not on
the menu.
GENE lifts the bucket from his sandcastle, part of a

turret falls down.
GENE (cont’d, into phone)

Shit.
(beat)
No not you.
(beat)
Look, I’ll have to deal with
it when I get back.
15
16
He ends the call. ANNIE keeps reading.
20 EXT BEACH DAY
Various shots of ENGLISH PEOPLE on the beach, windbreaks,

reading newspapers, playing cricket, eating ice-creams.
21 EXT ROCKY SHORE DAY
The sea crashes against the rocks in the vicinity of the

rock pools. Slightly menacing power.
We see a sign on the beach, warning of the dangers of

being cut-off by the incoming tide.
22 EXT ROCKPOOLS DAY
The children sit among the rock pools. Smashing stones

down onto the rocks.. or, maybe not onto the rocks..
Smash.. bash.. smash.. what is it that they are doing..?
23 EXT BEACH DAY
GENE, ANNIE, JACQUES, CHARLOTTE and PHILLIPE are all

dozing in the afternoon sun.
CHARLOTTE checks her watch.
CHARLOTTE
They’ve been gone a while.
GENE
They’ll be fine, don’t worry
so much.
GENE sits up. In the distance, he sees:
ELIZA, ROBERT and LUC being led along the beach by two
uniformed police COMMUNITY SUPPORT OFFICERS, RAY (40) and
KAREN (45). KAREN carries the children’s bucket.
GENE
Uh oh.
RAY (English, to ANNIE)

These your kids love?
16
17
LUC runs and holds onto his mother ANNIE’S leg. The
French adults all turn to JACQUES, the best of the
English speakers.
JACQUES (English)
Is there a problem?
RAY
Well no, not really, only
your kids were way over there
beyond that cliff, see?
He points, they all look. Other people on the beach are

now taking an interest too.
JACQUES
Yes?
RAY
Well when the tide comes in..
He mimes the tide heading landwards.
..it gets cut off, see.

Very dangerous. Understand?
JACQUES
Sorry.
RAY
It’s alright, it’s easily done.
KAREN
There was one other thing.
KAREN tips out the childrens’ bucket. Onto the sand fall
a number of dead crabs, pulled apart, legs, claws etc.
ENGLISH ONLOOKER
Eww, gross!
KAREN
Don’t kill the crabs eh?
GENE (to son Robert)

Did you do that?
ROBERT shakes his head, no. Everyone looks towards

ELIZA. ELIZA shrugs and rolls her eyes, it was her.
17
18
JACQUES (English to the CSO’s)

So sorry about this.
(to Eliza)
Why did you do that?
CHARLOTTE (gentle but firm)

Answer him Eliza.
ELIZA says nothing, upset, brows furrowed.
RAY
Look, we’ll leave it with you,
but you’ll have to keep a closer
eye on them next time.
JACQUES
Yes, yes we will. Thank you, Sir.
KAREN
And put them in the bin or
something please.
RAY and KAREN leave. JACQUES starts to pick up the crab

parts and put them back in the bucket. Even more English
people on the beach are watching now.
GENE
We should leave.
PHILLIPE
What for?
GENE
Because I don’t want to get
lynched by a party of crab
hugging English.
PHILLIPE
Pah – it was only a few
crabs.
Although remaining very quiet, ELIZA clocks PHILLIPE’S

obvious support for her. GENE starts to take down the
windbreak.
GENE
No Dad, let’s get going.
CHARLOTTE
What a shame to have to
18
19
leave early.
These words only ramp up the guilt that ELIZA feels.

JACQUES looks across to CHARLOTTE, CHARLOTTE shrugs back,
sorry.
24 EXT ROAD DAY
The convoy drives along a main road. There are several

cars bunched up behind them.
25 INT GENE’S MOTORHOME DAY
Silence in GENE’s motor home with ANNIE, ROBERT and LUC.
26 INT JACQUES’ MOTORHOME DAY
Stony silence in this motor home too.
27 EXT ROADS DAY
The convoy still driving along, the queue of traffic

behind them has grown to six cars.
28 INT CHARLIE AND JANE’S CAR DAY
CHARLIE (35) and his wife, JANE (32) are in the first car
behind the motor homes. Their CAR RADIO is on.
We get a clear view of the blue “F” next to PHILLIPE’s

rear number plate. CHARLIE pulls out to overtake.
Only then does he see that there are three motor homes.
CHARLIE (English)
Balls, there’s three of them.
He pulls back in without overtaking.
29 EXT - ROADS
Another straight section, CHARLIE having another go at

overtaking. Failing again. Back to..
19
20
30 INT - CAR
JANE
Don’t worry about it eh?
CHARLIE
They’re all bunched up. If
I could do them one at a
time we’d be past by now.
JANE
Babe, I’d rather get there
in one piece.
CHARLIE has an idea.
CHARLIE
Get my phone, will ya?
JANE
Where is it?
CHARLIE
In the glove thingy.
She takes the phone from the glove compartment.
31 INT RADIO 2 OFFICE NEXT TO STUDIO DAY
JILL (40) and MALCOLM (40) work the phones for Radio 2.
They have headsets on and sit in front of computers.
All in English, obviously.
JILL (into headset)

Hello traffic.
(beat)
A612? Is that the lorry
fire, we know about it
thanks.
MALCOLM (into headset)

Hello traffic.
(beat)
Oh yes? Yeah, but it’s like
that every evening. Not
exactly newsworthy is it?
JILL shrugs her shoulders. Malcolm keeps talking on his

call, placating the caller.
20
21
JILL (into headset)

Hello traffic.
(beat)
There’s a what.. sorry?
We see JILL writing notes, saying, “yes”, and “really”

etc as she does.
JILL (cont’d)
I’ll see what I can do.
JILL waves the note in the air, it is picked up by

CHRISTINE (35), producer of the radio programme. She
reads the note, smiles, and takes it into the studio.
33 EXT COUNTRY ROAD A423 EVE
The motor homes still travelling as we hear..
SALLY TRAFFIC (on radio)

Now the lorry fire on the
A612 in Hertford, that’s
still burning but Robbie’s
Dad has phoned to say the
fire brigade just passed him
on the way to the scene, but
it’s really one to avoid.
34 INT CHARLIE & JANE’S CAR MOMENTS LATER
CHARLIE and JANE in their car listening to the radio.
SALLY TRAFFIC (cont’d, V.O, on Radio)

There’s the usual trouble on
the M1 heading north out of
London, and finally, a bit
of an unusual one this, but
Charlie’s other half has
phoned with a message to the
three French motor homes
travelling in convoy towards
Dorchester on the A423.
JANE puts her hands to her head, oh my gosh!
CHARLIE
Yayyy!!
SALLY TRAFFIC (V.O)
21
22
Chaps, if you’re listening,

would you mind just
spreading out a bit so
everyone can overtake you
easier?
35 INT GARY’S CAR SAME TIME
GARY (45) is in his car further back in the queue behind

the motor homes. His radio is on.
GARY
Ha! Too right.
JOHNNY WALKER (radio DJ V.O)

How does spreading out make
them easier to overtake?
SALLY TRAFFIC (V.O, as to a simpleton)

Well, you can do them one
at a time then. Do you see?
JOHNNY WALKER (V.O)

Oh I see..
36 INT CHARLIE & JANE’S CAR SAME TIME
Back with CHARLIE and JANE, listening intently, JANE

making a call on her mobile phone.
ALAN STUDIO SIDEKICK (V.O)

You don’t drive much do you
Johnny?
JOHNNY WALKER (V.O)

No I’m too busy doing the
drive time show!
Laughter. The usual Radio 2 gentle leg pulling.
JOHNNY WALKER (cont’d, V.O)

Well let’s hope our French
cousins are listening to
88–91FM BBC Radio 2.
Merge to a jingle..
CHARLIE
Total class.
22
23
JANE (into phone)

You’re never gonna believe
what Charlie just did. Have
you got Radio 2 on?.. aww you
missed it.
Off this conversation to..
37 INT JACQUES AND CHARLOTTE’S MOTORHOME DAY
ELIZA still sitting in silence.
JACQUES
Hey, don’t worry about it
ok?
ELIZA doesn’t respond.
JACQUES (cont’d)
They have weird ideas here,
Eliza. In England they
think animals are people.
Mr and Mrs Crab go off to
work with four umbrellas
each.
ELIZA smiles at the idea.
JACQUES (cont’d)
And then they come back
home to their children and
have a big dinner of roast
beef. “How was your day Mr
Crab?” “It was very good
Mrs Crab, and you?” “Oh Mr
Crab I think I need eight
new shoes, my old ones are
pinching me badly.”
ELIZA stares out of the window, a little amused by

Jacques’ joking, although his description of a happy
little nuclear crab family is perhaps not the best
subject to raise her spirits.
38 EXT ROAD/HAPPY VALLEY CAMPSITE, DORCHESTER EVE
23
24
The motor homes turn off into Happy Valley Campsite. As

they turn off, CHARLIE & JANE pass in their car. Another
car in the long queue sounds its horn. And another.
39 INT GARY’S CAR SAME TIME EVE
GARY passes the campsite entrance, watching the convoy

disappear from him. He reaches for the phone. Dials.
GARY (into phone)

Yes, err, hello traffic, I’m
ringing with an update really.
40 EXT HAPPY VALLEY CARAVAN PARK RECEPTION AREA EVE
The motor homes pull up and park near the reception area,
watched from the reception office by SYD (60), park
owner. He’s listening to Radio 2.
SALLY TRAFFIC (V.O)

Bit of an update here for
those of you on the A423
near Dorchester, Gary has
just phoned in and
apparently, the French
motor home convoy has pulled
off into a campsite.
JOHNNY WALKER (V.O)

So the roads of Britain can
breathe easy again.
SALLY TRAFFIC (V.O)

Something like that Johnny.
41 INT HAPPY VALLEY RECEPTION AREA EVE
GENE exits his motorhome and enters the reception area.
GENE (faltering English)

Hello.
SYD
Oh hello, I’ve just been hearing
about you.
GENE
Pardon?
24
25
SYD
I think it was you chaps on
the radio.
Incomprehension from Gene.
SYD (cont’d)
Sally traffic?
Still nothing.
SYD (cont’d)
Oh nevermind, how many nights
would you like?
GENE (French)
We should have gone to Italy.
Syd gets a calendar and points to the days.
SYD
How many?
GENE
Ahh! One.
SYD
Now we’re winning.
Now, do you need power?
GENE
Eh?
They continue to be more or less incomprehensible to each

other.
42 EXT HAPPY VALLEY MOTORHOMES NIGHT
GENE, ANNIE, PHILLIPE and CHARLOTTE all sit in a circle.

ROBERT and LUC playing snap.
CHARLOTTE has bare feet, sexy legs.
She paints her toe nails. GENE watches, subtly.
JACQUES exits his motor home after checking on Eliza.
JACQUES
She’s fast asleep.
25
26
43 INT JACQUES’ MOTORHOME SAME TIME
On ELIZA, wide awake, and listening.
JACQUES (off)
I can’t believe she behaved
so badly. I thought we were
doing so well.
44 EXT HAPPY VALLEY PARK CONT’D ACTION
Back outside with the adults. PHILLIPE with his pipe.
ANNIE
You are doing well.
CHARLOTTE
Are we?
GENE
That’s the one thing with
kids, no instruction
manual.
ANNIE
Maybe you should write
one, eh Gene?
It’s all dig between Annie and Gene. Phillipe notices.
PHILLIPE
Perhaps Robert and Luc
would like to stay in my
camper tonight?
LUC
Yes please!
ROBERT
Can we Mama?
ANNIE casts PHILLIPE a glance.
ANNIE
Well, yes, I suppose.
ROBERT
Grandpa will you tell us a
26
27
story?
PHILLIPE
I might be persuaded.
GENE
I bet.
ANNIE
No ghost stories!
PHILLIPE
Alright, no ghost stories.
PHILLIPE gives a big theatrical wink to ROBERT and LUC.
45 INT JACQUES’ MOTORHOME LATER NIGHT
JACQUES and CHARLOTTE climb aboard their motor home.

ELIZA, still awake, faces away from them, feigning sleep.
46 INT PHILLIPE’S CAMPER VAN NIGHT
PHILLIPE sits with ROBERT and LUC. He lights a candle.

And opens his map book.
PHILLIPE
Now once, in the English
town of Nottingham. There
was a very big old house.
And in that very big old
house there lived..
ROBERT
A ghost?
PHILLIPE
A ghost? No. Don’t be silly.
Three ghosts.
LUC
Three ghosts? Cool!
47 INT JACQUES’ MOTORHOME NIGHT
JACQUES and CHARLOTTE are in bed.
CHARLOTTE
27
28
Do you think we should tell

Magritte?
JACQUES
I don’t know.
CHARLOTTE
Let’s sleep on it?
JACQUES
We knew it wasn’t going to
be easy.
CHARLOTTE
But can we cope, Jacques?
JACQUES
We can’t give up at the
first hurdle.
CHARLOTTE
Perhaps we came away too
soon, it’s a lot to ask of
the poor girl. Such an
upheaval.
JACQUES
And it was only a few crabs.
CHARLOTTE
But I was hoping she’d feel
more like a daughter by now.
JACQUES
Does she not?
A pause.
CHARLOTTE
Not really, not yet.
On ELIZA, still awake.
48 INT GENE’S MOTORHOME NIGHT
GENE is in bed with ANNIE. They make love, slowly,

quietly, surely.
The squeals of excited children are heard in the

distance. GENE shakes his head.
28
29
GENE
Him and his ghosts.
ANNIE
Shhh..
She pulls him down closer.
49 INT PHILLIPE’S MOTORHOME NIGHT
PHILLIPE is awake listening to organ music. ROBERT and

LUC are asleep. Phillipe has his map open. He marks a
number “2” on their current position.
50 EXT HAPPY VALLEY PARK RECEPTION AREA DAY
GENE walks out of the Reception Office and gets into his
Motor home, the convoy heads off.
51 INT RECEPTION OFFICE DAY
Park Owner SYD picks up his phone.
SYD
Oh well, in for a penny..
He dials.
52 INT RADIO 2 OFFICE DAY
MALCOLM and JILL on the phones. KEN BRUCE in the studio.
MALCOLM (into headset)

Hello traffic.
(beat)
Are they?
He scribbles notes.
Thanks very much.
He hands the note to DAVE (34), producer of this show.
53 INT RADIO 2 STUDIO MOMENTS LATER DAY
29
30
DAVE enters the studio mid-song. KEN BRUCE dunks a

biscuit into his tea.
DAVE
On Johnny last night Sally
started tracking this group
of French Motor homes.
KEN
Yes..?
DAVE
They’re on the move again.
KEN
So what do you want to do
about it?
DAVE
I say we run it, see what
happens. Nice angle,
French visiting Blighty.
Half of Ken’s biscuit disappears forever into his tea.
KEN
Bugger. Why were they on?
DAVE
They travel nose to tail,
no-one can overtake.
KEN
Oh right, I see. OK.
So where are they now?
54 EXT ROAD NEAR CERNE ABBAS DORSET DAY
The Motor homes continuing through beautiful countryside

near the village of Cerne Abbas.
GENE and ANNIE driving. ANNIE looks out of the window.
ANNIE
Oh my! I thought this
country was reserved.
30
31
GENE
Reminds me of last night..
ANNIE
In your dreams!
We look out to see what they are seeing, the CERNE ABBAS
GIANT, with its huge erect penis.
ANNIE (cont’d)
I hope Dad and the kids
haven’t seen it.
56 INT PHILLIPE’S CAMPER VAN SAME TIME DAY
PHILLIPE with ROBERT and LUC up front, clocks the Giant.
PHILLIPE
Phwooaar.. look at the size
of the cock on that!!
ROBERT
What’s cock Grandpa?
PHILLIPE
You know.. well, look at
the thing!
ROBERT
That’s so cool.
57 EXT ROADS DAY
The convoy heads along more beautiful English

countryside. JACQUES’ Motor home leads the group today.
KEN BRUCE (V.O)

Now for those of you who
followed the French
motor homes on Johnny’s show
last night, apparently today
they’re heading north out of
Dorchester on the A423. Now
they like to travel close
together so they’re
something of a hazard.
They’ve just passed the
Cerne Abbas Giant and.. oh
dear.. hope they’re not
31
32
getting the wrong

impression. What’s the
betting they’re going to
Stonehenge eh?
JACQUES drives with CHARLOTTE in the passenger seat and
ELIZA behind. CHARLOTTE cuts cheese. She feeds JACQUES.
CHARLOTTE (to Eliza)

Cheese, petal?
ELIZA
Yes please.
CHARLOTTE hands her a piece. An approaching car flashes

its headlights and sounds its horn.
JACQUES
What the..?
CHARLOTTE (to Eliza)

Sorry we got angry yesterday.
ELIZA
That’s OK, Charlotte.
A slight freeze from Charlotte, not happy at being

referred to by her first name, her role is “mother” after
all. Another car honks its horn at them.
JACQUES
Are my lights on?
He pulls over in a lay-by.
59 INT RADIO STATION OFFICE DAY
Ken Bruce’s producer DAVE sits at his desk, looking at

his computer. The list of text messages is coming in..
Just seen convoy on A423

More of French Convoy plz
Is French convoy going Stonehenge? Update please!
Tell the French to f**k off back to France
Tell us what French doin, v v funny
Traffic slot is 4 jams not french twats
32
33
Say hi to French on hols from Rob

Convoy in layby 3m n of Cerne, Cheers! Rabbit
We luv French thing, from Fridgeland in Bromley.
Bonjour! To F camper cans, Jo in Norwich xx
DAVE (English)
Bloody hell..
60 EXT LAYBY DAY
JACQUES, GENE and ANNIE are out of their vehicles.
GENE
What’s up?
JACQUES
I kept getting flashed,
thought something was
wrong.
GENE and JACQUES inspect the vehicle. ANNIE is at

PHILLIPE’S camper van.
ANNIE
Everything ok?
PHILLIPE
Fine, Robert was just saying
how much he’d like to see
Nottingham.
ANNIE
No Dad.
ROBERT
Did you see the big cock
Mama?
ANNIE
I must have missed it
sweetie.
On PHILLIPE, grinning, then back to GENE and JACQUES.
GENE
Well everything looks ok.
A passing car honks its horn. The occupants smile and

wave. GENE waves back, blankly, bemused.
33
34
GENE (cont’d)
Let’s get back on the road.
GENE is on a call, using the top of the range Bluetooth

hands free, obviously.
GENE (into phone)

OK, Ciao Pierre.
He hangs up. ANNIE faces the front.
ANNIE
That man is so rude.
GENE
He doesn’t know what he’s
doing, that’s the problem.
No sense of.. of accuracy.
ANNIE
Why can’t he pester someone
else?
GENE
I don’t know. He knows I
know what I’m talking about,
I guess.
ANNIE
It’s not fair. After last
night, I thought..
GENE
Last night..?
ANNIE
I thought you’d be more
relaxed.
GENE
I wish.
A long pause. Intended or not, his comment is not

reassuring.
GENE (cont’d)
Should I go back, maybe?
34
35
ANNIE remains angrily silent. The phone rings again.

GENE tries hard to ignore it. He can’t. He answers.
GENE (into phone)

Now what?
ANNIE closes her eyes in a silent count to ten.
62 EXT STONEHENGE DAY
At Stonehenge, everyone except ANNIE gets out.
CHARLOTTE (to JACQUES)

Your camera darling.
JACQUES gets his camera. ROBERT leads everyone.
ROBERT
Over here look.
And the group stand silently near the stones, as..
JEREMY VINE (Radio DJ V.O)

And it’s ten out of ten to
Ken Bruce, the French
motor homes have stopped at
Stonehenge.
63 INT RADIO STUDIO DAY
The JEREMY VINE SHOW, with the man himself in the chair.
JEREMY VINE (on air)

Has anyone actually told
these people their progress
is being monitored? It’s
all a bit “Big Brother”
isn’t it? Tell us what you
think. Text, phone or email
to Vine at BBC dot co dot UK.
64 EXT COTSWOLD ROADS DAY
The convoy still getting honked at and flashed.
JEREMY VINE (V.O)

Also on today’s show, the
war on terror takes yet
35
36
another strange turn as

Police raid a school in
Barnsley.
65 INT JACQUES AND ELIZA’S MOTORHOME DAY
The Cotswolds are home to numerous military bases. ELIZA

sees from the window an army truck, perhaps a tank or two
as well. We see on her face, uneasiness.
66 MORETON-IN-MARSH HIGH STREET DAY
The group have stopped in a beautiful Cotswold town.

ANNIE, CHARLOTTE and ELIZA window shopping, come to a
nice cake shop and stare into the window.
67 INT PUB DAY
JACQUES, GENE, PHILLIPE are sitting in a pub, ROBERT &

LUC are playing pool. PHILLIPE lights his pipe.
BARMAID (English)
Sorry Sir, this is a
no-smoking pub.
PHILLIPE (f)
Pardon me, I don’t
understand.
The BARMAID mimes smoking and waves “No”.
GENE (f)
It’s your pipe. They
don’t like it.
PHILLIPE
Pah. What’s the use of
having somewhere to drink
yourself to death without
being able to smoke
yourself to death too.
Let’s go somewhere else.
JACQUES
They’re all no smoking here.
PHILLIPE
All of them? So where can
36
37
I smoke?
GENE smiles at the BARMAID, everything’s fine here.. just

a mad old Frenchman on his high horse.
JACQUES
Outside.
PHILLIPE
Outside? What’s the point
of that? It’ll kill me
just as fast if I smoke it
outside as inside.
JACQUES
But if you do it outside
you don’t take everyone
else with you.
PHILLIPE
That’s their problem.
68 EXT PUB LATER DAY
Our entire French group sit outside in the beer garden,

Phillipe smoking his pipe.
Also in the beer garden some English families are

watching their children playing on a BOUNCY CASTLE.
Several strands of BUNTING criss-cross the garden.
At one of the other tables sit a group of SOLDIERS, in

uniform, along with their Regimental Mascot, A GOAT.
ANNIE and CHARLOTTE drink beer from old-fashioned men’s

pint glasses with handles. Charlotte regards the glass.
JACQUES
Sorry. A language barrier.
They have heavy accents here.
CHARLOTTE smiles, it’s ok really.
GENE
Good shopping trip?
ANNIE (cold, to Gene)

Yes, nice to stretch my
legs. Any more calls?
37
38
GENE
No, no calls.
ANNIE (flat)
That’s good.
GENE exhales, he’s still in the doghouse.
PHILLIPE (to Annie)

Annie, love, I’m sure now is
not the time, but can we at
least have a chat about
visiting Nottingham?
ANNIE
You’re right Dad, its not
the time.
PHILLIPE
It would mean so much to me.
ANNIE
What is there for us in
Nottingham? It’s just a big
city.
GENE
It’s home of Robin Hood.
ANNIE
Don’t encourage him.
PHILLIPE
I’d like to see it again.
In the background, two men from the ENGLISH FAMILIES by

the bouncy castle, square up to each other.
ANNIE
I know you want to but it’s
history now. Forget it.
It’s not good for you to get
too excited, a man of your
age.
PHILLIPE
Alright, pardon me for
asking, nurse.
38
39
In the background, one of the aggressive men, TONY (30),

punches the other man DAVE (27) in the face.
One of the women present turns to TONY, the aggressor.
WOMAN
Tony you absolute twat.
TONY
He was asking for it.
WOMAN
I don’t care, there’s no
need for that.
By this time DAVE has rallied himself, wipes a trickle of

blood from his nose onto his white sleeve, and then
lunges at TONY. They both hit the floor and roll around,
wrestling. All of this observed by our French family.
The SOLDIERS and their MASCOT GOAT intervene.
SOLDIER #1
Oi!
The SOLDIERS part the two men, holding them back from
each other. DAVE makes another lunge at TONY.
SOLDIER #1
Don’t make me set the
goat on you.
The barmaid has come out of the pub into the garden.
BARMAID
Not again. You lot.
Out.
The SOLDIERS drag DAVE and TONY out, followed by ENGLISH

WOMEN and their KIDS.
KID #1
I want to go on the bouncy
castle.
WOMAN #2
No Kimberley.
SOLDIER #1
Guys, if you want to fight
all the time, why not join
39
40
the army?
DAVE looks toward the barmaid.
DAVE
It wasn’t me! He started it!
BARMAID (disbelieving)
Yeah right Dave.
(to the soldiers)

Thanks chaps.
SOLDIER #1
It’s alright love. Two tours
of Iraq, I’m used to a bit
of aggro, know what I mean?
And the whole group of people plus the goat leave the
beer garden.
A moment’s silence as our French family reflect on the

mad chaos they’ve just witnessed. Welcome to England.
69 EXT PUB BEER GARDEN MOMENTS LATER
ELIZA, ROBERT and LUC bounce in the afternoon light on

the bouncy castle. ELIZA without obvious pleasure, but
slow motion, beautiful, bouncing into and out of frame.
70 EXT ROADS DAY
Radio chat as the motorhomes get back on the road.
JEREMY VINE (V.O)

Now over to line 4, Barbara
is it?
BARBARA (V.O)
Well Jeremy, I think its
marvellous to hear about
them but I was wondering,
why?
JEREMY VINE (V.O)

You’re not the first to ask
that Barbara, and the answer
is, we don’t know.
40
41
71 INT ENGLISH KITCHEN DAY
A man, BARRY, 50, is ironing shirts with the radio on.
JEREMY VINE (on radio)

Maybe it’s because we can.
Mobile phones, and the
internet, mean that no-one
can ever be truly anonymous.
72 INT LOUNGE-BUILDING WORK IN PROGRESS
Some plasterers are working on the walls of a lounge,

with a grubby radio playing.
BARBARA (On radio)

I think we ought to tell
them what’s happening, I’d
want to know.
PLASTERER
Nah.
JEREMY VINE (On radio)

Do you think? I’m not so
sure.
(beat)
After the news we’ll be
talking to the French
minister for tourism to see
what she makes of all this,
so do keep listening to
88-91FM BBC Radio 2.
Merge to a jingle.
73 EXT COTSWOLD CARAVAN PARK EVE
ELIZA is eating a bar of chocolate JACQUES bought for

her.
GENE walks out of the caravan reception area and crosses

the car park towards them with the paperwork.
PARK MANAGER, MAUREEN (48), has come out to watch them.
JACQUES (cont’d)
I can’t wait to get to know
41
42
her better.
JACQUES opens his window to take the paperwork from GENE.
GENE
Next time, you do it.
MAUREEN heads back into her office.
74 INT RADIO TWO STUDIO NIGHT
STUART MACONIE is in the chair.
STUART MACONIE
I’m not sure what it says
about us as a nation that we
get so fascinated about some
French tourists. Let’s go to
line 2 where we’ve got
Maureen, hello Maureen.
MAUREEN (on phone)

Hello Stuart. I just wanted
to say, well, they’re at my
Caravan Park tonight.
STUART MACONIE
Which one’s that, my love?
MAUREEN (on phone)

It’s Cotswold Caravan Park,
we’re half way between
Shipstone and Moreton.
STUART MACONIE
Can I just say that other
caravan parks are available.
Well Maureen it must be an
honour and a privilege to be
their host. Did you tell
them they’re radio stars?
75 INT COTSWOLD CARAVAN PARK RECEPTION NIGHT
The other half of this chat, MAUREEN on the phone.
MAUREEN
Well, I, I didn’t like to
really. I suppose I didn’t
42
43
want it to feel like we were

spying on them or something.
STUART MACONIE (on phone)

Maureen that’s a good point.
Have a good evening love,
let’s go to Wayne on line 5.
WAYNE (on phone)

Stuart, it’s wrong. These
people should be allowed to
enjoy their holiday in peace.
76 INT RADIO 2 STUDIO NIGHT
Back with STUART MACONIE in the chair.
STUART
I think they are enjoying
their holiday in peace,
aren’t they? Who’s on
line nine? Is that you
Alan?
ALAN(on phone)
Now then Stuart..
STUART
How are you Alan?
ALAN (on phone)

Not so good.
STUART
I’m sorry to hear that
Alan, what’s the matter?
ALAN (on phone)

It’s the other half. Says
she wants a new mattress.
I said what’s the point
of that? Never sleeps on
her half see? Squashes
me up against the edge
every single night, do
you get me, Stuart? Her
half of the mattress is
brand new, lad. And have
you seen the price of
mattresses these days?
43
44
STUART
What about the French,
Alan?
ALAN (on phone)

I don’t know, Stuart.
I can’t work it out.
You’d have thought we’d
all have something better
to do than get so worked
up about it, to be honest.
I mean, so long as they
go home I don’t mind what
they do. Do you?
77 EXT ALTON TOWERS DAY
The motor homes pass through the entrance to the theme

park ALTON TOWERS.
78 EXT ALTON TOWERS PAY KIOSKS DAY
GENE, ANNIE, JACQUES, CHARLOTTE, ELIZA, ROBERT and LUC

queue at the pay kiosk area of Alton Towers.
GENE
What’s this, the queue to
get in? I don’t know they
really do like their queues
in this country. If you’re
going to say anything about
the English it’s..
He is interrupted when the next kiosk along is opened.
KIOSK WORKER (e)

Would you like to come to
this one?
The group move to the next kiosk and get straight in.
79 EXT ALTON TOWERS CAR PARK DAY
PHILLIPE hasn’t gone in. He sits by the motor homes

amongst a vast sea of cars, reading his Map of Britain.
44
45
80 EXT ALTON TOWERS DAY
Start close on the faces of JACQUES, ELIZA and GENE.

Pull out. They are on the OBLIVION ride, at the top
where the car is held for two seconds before descending.
Fear and excitement on their faces. The drop. Screams.
81 EXT ALTON TOWERS OBLIVION RIDE MOMENTS LATER
GENE, JACQUES and ELIZA emerge after their ride, flush.
JACQUES (to Eliza)

Do you want to go again?
ELIZA smiles and nods – this is the most excited we have

ever seen her.
GENE
Not again!
JACQUES
What’s the matter, Gene, too
scared?
GENE
Let’s go.
GENE enthusiastically heads back to the queue. ANNIE

looks at GENE, what’s got into him?
82 EXT ALTON TOWERS OBLIVION RIDE MOMENTS LATER
GENE, ELIZA, JACQUES, at the same point on the Oblivion

ride, at the top. GENE punches the air. Whoosh!!
83 EXT ALTON TOWERS NEAR ROLLERCOASTER DAY
The group are near another rollercoaster.
GENE
Now this we can all go on.
LUC
No way.
GENE takes LUC and stands him next to the height marker..
“you must be this tall to ride” – LUC is tall enough by
several centimetres.
45
46
GENE
Ha! Now you have no excuse!
84 EXT ROLLERCOASTER DAY
GENE and LUC ride in the front. Whatever coverage we can

get of the ride, hopefully the camera on the ride looking
back at the gang, circa “Hold Tight” 1982.
LUC
I’m scared.
GENE
Don’t be scared – it’s
very over-engineered.
LUC holds his father’s hands.

Whoops and screams as the ride gets into motion.
PHILLIPE still sits in his deckchair, studying the map.

He is approached by a group of teenagers.
TEENAGE LAD (English)

Alright mate?
He hands PHILLIPE a milkshake.
TEENAGE GIRL (e)

You’re the famous ones
ain’t ya?
PHILLIPE is absolutely baffled by them and doesn’t

understand, he just raises the milkshake in salutation.
87 EXT BOAT RIDE DAY
The group ride on a sedate boat, which follows a course

around a lake. The Marsellaise rings. Gene’s phone.
GENE takes the phone out of his pocket and answers.
GENE (into phone)

Hello?
ANNIE grabs the phone, and throws it into the lake.
46
47
GENE
What did you do that for?!
ANNIE
For as long as you have it,
you’re never relaxed.
GENE
That was my work phone!
ANNIE
I don’t care, Gene. Your
work can take a running
jump.
CHARLOTTE
The phone in the lake.. is
bad for the environment.
ANNIE
It’s not bad for my
environment.
GENE
I don’t believe this!
ANNIE
Given the choice between your
phone and your family, which
would you keep?
A pause.
ANNIE (cont’d)
Good job I made the decision
for you then. You’ve really
been unwinding today, honey,
let’s keep it that way eh?
PHILLIPE still studying the map. He sucks on the thick

milkshake. Sluuurrrp.
88 EXT ALTON TOWERS AIR ROLLERCOASTER DAY
The group watch ELIZA at the front of the AIR

rollercoaster. She spreads out her arms as the
rollercoaster twists and turns.
47
48
CHARLOTTE
I think she’s found her ride.
And she has. It’s the freedom, the feeling of flying.
As much as possible from as close and dynamic a position

as we can get, we watch ELIZA in deep concentration,
completely enrapt in the experience. Catharsis.
On GENE, still very angry.
89 EXT ALTON TOWERS CAR PARK
The GROUP return with plenty of paraphernalia, t-shirts

etc.
PHILLIPE
Good day?
ANNIE
Very good day.
GENE
Your daughter threw my phone
into a lake.
PHILLIPE
Good for her.
GENE
What?!
PHILLIPE
You’re on holiday, let go.
ANNIE
See?
PHILLIPE slurps on his milkshake.
GENE
Unbelievable.
ANNIE (to Phillipe)

Where did you get the
milkshake?
PHILLIPE
Given it.
48
49
ANNIE
Oh.
They load up, and start to move out. Simultaneously,

EIGHT DIFFERENT PEOPLE dotted around the car park watch
them and reach for their mobile phones.
90 INT GENE’S MOTORHOME EVE
In GENE’s motor home, things are still a little strained.
ROBERT
That was so cool.
ANNIE (to her children)

Yes.. “thank you Daddy..”
ROBERT & LUC

Thank you Daddy!
GENE (flatly)
No problem.
ANNIE
Gene, thank you.
GENE
I feel naked without my
phone.
ANNIE
I did it for your own good.
GENE
I know but..
ANNIE
Just stop, OK?
Gene shuts up, and drives on in silence.
91 EXT HILLY ROAD EVE
The motor homes head over the hills.
STUART MACONIE (off, on radio)

After a packed day at Alton
Towers our intrepid explorers
49
50
head north. So after a happy

Sunday here’s some Happy
Mondays..
92 INT PHILLIPE’S MOTORHOME MORNING
PHILLIPE wakes from his bed. Immediately he can sense

something is amiss, as he hears quiet sobbing. He opens
his curtain. Outside, he sees..
93 EXT CAMPSITE NEAR ASHBOURNE MORNING
ELIZA is crying. JACQUES is trying to hold her arms,

calm her down.
JACQUES (soothing)
Woooh, steady, its fine,
don’t worry.
ELIZA slows down a little bit, but still upset.
JACQUES (firmer)
Eliza listen to me. You are
not in trouble.
CHARLOTTE emerges from their motor home with the cause of

all the trouble. Eliza’s mattress with a damp patch in
it. The poor waif has wet her bed in the night.
JACQUES
It’s ok, really it is.
His assuredness is working. ELIZA calms down a little.
94 INT PHILLIPE’S MOTORHOME SAME TIME
PHILLIPE thinks for a moment, then pours himself a cup of

cold tea from a flask. He pulls back his duvet and
throws the tea onto his bed.
95 EXT CAMPSITE NEAR ASHBOURNE DAY
GENE, ANNIE, ROBERT, LUC, JACQUES, CHARLOTTE and ELIZA

are all out now.
GENE
What happened?
50
51
He sees the wet mattress.
GENE (cont’d)
Oh, oh dear.
ROBERT
What’s wrong with her bed?
ANNIE
Nothing sweetheart.
ELIZA wants the ground to open up. Quiet, head in hands.
CHARLOTTE (breezy)
Just a little hiccup,
nothing to worry about.
Absolutely nothing at all.
PHILLIPE exits his camper van with his own WET MATTRESS.
ANNIE
Oh papa..
ELIZA watches him. Laughter from Robert.
PHILLIPE
Sorry - it must have been
the milkshake.
(to ELIZA)
Did you have the milkshake?
ELIZA nods. Shy.
PHILLIPE (cont’d)
That’ll be it. Milkshake
makes me dream.
GENE
Makes you dream?
PHILLIPE
Of Niagara falls, the
fountains at Versailles, La
Manche, that sort of thing.
A wink from PHILLIPE, ANNIE understands, runs with it.
ANNIE
Oh right.. I see.. well I
don’t know Dad, we can’t
51
52
take you anywhere.
GENE
What’s he talking about?
ANNIE shakes her head, literalist Gene can’t see

Phillipe’s intentions.
PHILLIPE (to ELIZA)

Hey, I think its time you
rode with Phillipe eh?
ELIZA
Yes please.
PHILLIPE
Today you ride with me.
He turns and heads back into his camper van.

The adults are speechless. The pace at which Phillipe
has diffused a difficult situation is incredible.
96 EXT M1 MOTORWAY DAY
The Motor homes join the M1 motorway, signed “The North”.
97 INT PHILLIPE’S CAMPER VAN DAY
PHILLIPE’S tape deck plays organ music. He switches it

off. A long silence.
ELIZA
Thank you.
PHILLIPE
For?
ELIZA
Being nice to me.
PHILLIPE
You’re welcome, but I must
warn you this is not a free
ride. There’s no such thing,
you should know that. You’ll
be working for your keep.
PHILLIPE starts to accelerate.
52
53
JACQUES and CHARLOTTE are driving. PHILLIPE drives past

in his camper van.
GENE, ANNIE, ROBERT and LUC all sitting in their motor

home. PHILLIPE slips by in his camper van.
GENE
What’s this, Le Tour?
ANNIE
What’s he up to?
100 EXT M1 MOTORWAY DAY
PHILLIPE leads. We see the exit “NOTTINGHAM A52”
ANNIE (V.O)
Oh no..
PHILLIPE takes the exit, fast.
GENE (V.O)
Now what?
ANNIE (V.O)
Follow him!
GENE (V.O)
I might have known.
What is it with your family?
ANNIE (V.O)
So it’s my family now?
101 INT PHILLIPE’S CAMPER VAN ON A52 DAY
PHILLIPE driving, intently. ELIZA in the front seat.
PHILLIPE
Do you think you could be a
darling and open the glove
compartment?
53
54
ELIZA does so, inside, there is a SATNAV computer.
PHILLIPE (cont’d)
Thanks, now stick it to the
windscreen and turn it on.
ELIZA does as she is told.
SAT NAV VOICE (V.O, French)

Continue straight on A52.
PHILLIPE
When I was your age, I was
living here, miles away from
home. They moved us from
place to place, a whole group
of us. We slept five to a
bed, when one of us pissed
himself, we’d all get wet,
and we’d be beaten until we
were too scared to piss, too
scared to sleep even.
In 1943 they moved us to

Nottingham. A kind young
woman named Mavis Enderby
took us in. Her husband,
Roger, was away fighting in
Africa. He wrote to her
sometimes. From our families
back in France, no letters.
Not one. Mavis changed my
life forever. She said,
“Make the most of what you
have got” – she was very
kind to us. She made us go
to school, which was just a
house at the end of the
street. When the word came
that her husband had died, we
ate steak that very same
evening, now every time I eat
steak, I pray for Mavis. And
not one tear did she shed, in
front of us. With her simple
humanity, she sheltered us
from the horrors of the war,
and we prospered.
54
55
GENE and ANNIE in hot pursuit.
GENE
It’s ok, we’ve got more
power.
ANNIE
Well stick with him then!
GENE
Do you want to drive?
Back with PHILLIPE and ELIZA.
ELIZA
What happened to your
parents?
PHILLIPE
Mother left us, rumour was
that she went over to the
other side, consorted with a
German Officer named Dieter.
When father was captured,
they said it was Dieter’s
word that stopped him being
executed.
(beat)
When he found out about it,
I think he would have rather
been dead.
(beat)
I got back home in 1946, but
everything changed forever.
You could say I left as a boy
and came back a man. Daddy
died a broken man, you see,
he’d won the war but lost the
battle.. and mother.. I never
saw her again.
A long pause.
PHILLIPE (cont’d)
Eliza, falling doesn’t hurt.
55
56
Landing hurts. Do you

understand? You’ve been
falling falling falling, and
right now.. you’re landing.
(beat)
I think they love you, you
know. So go easy on them, ok?
ELIZA
Where are we going?
PHILLIPE
I want to see the house
again.
GENE, ANNIE, ROBER & LUC trying to keep up with PHILLIPE.
ROBERT
Grandpa’s going fast!
ANNIE
Yes honey, sit back.
GENE
I knew we should have gone
to Italy.
ANNIE
Will you just shut up about
Italy!
JACQUES engine is loud due to the sudden increase in

speed. CHARLOTTE is on the phone.
CHARLOTTE (breezy)
Everything’s fine. Lovely
day yesterday.
(beat)
You’ll have to speak up a
bit, I can hardly hear you
over the engine.
(beat)
56
57
Oh, err, I think she’s asleep.

We’ll give you a call when we
get to..wherever it is we’re
going.
(beat)
OK, thanks Magritte, bye.
She ends the call.
CHARLOTTE (cont’d)
Good grief.
JACQUES
Well done.
CHARLOTTE
I thought I’d skip the bit
where she’s kidnapped by the
mad geriatric.
JACQUES
Probably for the best.
106 INT PHILLIPE’S CAMPER VAN END OF A52 DAY
PHILLIPE and ELIZA reach the end of the A52.
SAT NAV (V.O)

Get into the left hand lane.
PHILLIPE
Still behind?
ELIZA
Three cars back.
PHILLIPE
Now we lose them.
107 EXT NOTTINGHAM RING ROAD DAY
PHILLIPE’S CAMPER VAN approaches a junction.
SAT NAV (V.O)

At the junction, turn right.
He stays in the middle lane.
ELIZA
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58
Turn right here.
He stays in the middle lane. At the last possible

moment, he gets into the right hand filter lane, and
slams on his brakes behind queuing traffic.
GENE’S MOTORHOME and JACQUES’ MOTORHOME go whizzing by.
PHILLIPE waves as they pass.
ANNIE (V.O)
We lost him.
GENE (V.O)
Shit!
ROBERT (V.O)
Don’t swear Papa.
GENE (V.O)
Sorry.
108 EXT LORD NELSON ST NOTTINGHAM DAY
PHILLIPE’S CAMPER VAN pulls into a terraced street.

He parks. PHILLIPE and ELIZA walk up to the door of
number 10.
PHILLIPE hangs back. ELIZA stops. There are tears in

his eyes as he regards number 10.
PHILLIPE
It’s ten years since I was
last here. Last time I came,
Annie was pregnant with
Robert.
109 EXT NOTTINGHAM SUBURBS DAY
GENE and JACQUES’S motor homes parked at the side of the

road. GENE, JACQUES and ANNIE are out of their vehicles.
GENE
We lost them.
JACQUES
I gathered.
CHARLOTTE (slightly panicky)
58
59
Where has he taken our

daughter?
ANNIE
Hey relax, she’ll be fine.
They’ve gone to the house.
CHARLOTTE
How do you know?
ANNIE
He’s been before. When we
were younger, he’d go missing
for days on end. Last time
he came I was pregnant with
Robert.
110 EXT 10 LORD NELSON STREET NOTTINGHAM

SAME TIME
PHILLIPE and ELIZA still on the street outside number 10.
PHILLIPE
Annie went into early labour.
I missed the birth of my
first grandson. She made me
swear I’d never return.
111 EXT NOTTINGHAM RING ROAD SAME TIME
As before.
ANNIE
I made him swear he’d never
return.
JACQUES
Then it must mean a lot to
him.
CHARLOTTE
So now what?
GENE
Go to a garage, buy a map.
Find the street, find the
house. Easy.
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60
112 EXT 10 LORD NELSON STREET SAME TIME
As before.
ELIZA
So now what?
PHILLIPE
Nothing.
ELIZA
You don’t want to go inside?
PHILLIPE
No. This street, this is my
Wailing Wall.
He fades off.. a change of heart, a realisation.
PHILLIPE (cont’d)
We shouldn’t have come here.
Annie.. the boys. They’ll be
missing us.
ELIZA walks up to the door of number 10.
PHILLIPE (cont’d)
Come on, we should get back
to them.
ELIZA
Phillipe. Your story is
nothing. My real parents
are already dead. I don’t
remember but I know I was
there when they were killed.
You were taken away from the
fighting. In Chad, the fighting
came all the way into my home.
She addresses the door.
PHILLIPE
What are you doing?
ELIZA
Kicking the wall.
ELIZA rings the doorbell. It is the worst ever novelty

ring. A long pause.
60
61
PHILLIPE
Eliza, no, we mustn’t.
At this moment, the door is opened by AMIR (38). He

keeps the safety chain on.
AMIR (English)
Hello?
(beat)
Can I help you at all?
PHILLIPE and ELIZA are like naughty school children.
ELIZA (e)
My friend, he, he, live in
this house.
AMIR
I don’t think so love.
He goes to close the door again.
ELIZA (e)
No, Phillipe, he live here.
AMIR
Sorry, you’ve got the wrong
place.
PHILLIPE (f, to Eliza)

Eliza. Now.
ELIZA (e, to Amir)

His.. friend, live here.
(f, to Phillipe)
What was her name?
(remembering)
Mary.. Mavis!
AMIR (e)
Mavis.. Enderby?
ELIZA (e)
Yes, yes! Mavis Enderby. We
are friend of Mavis Enderby.
AMIR’S concerned face changes slowly..to a broad smile.

He unlocks the door chain, beaming with welcome.
61
62
AMIR (e)
Well why didn’t you say so?
Come in off the street.
That’s it, in you come.
Surprised by the turn of events, PHILLIPE and ELIZA

enter. AMIR shouts deeper into the house.
AMIR (cont’d)
Guppy get the kettle on,
we’ve got visitors.
113 EXT NEAR PETROL STATION FORECOURT DAY
GENE returns to his and JACQUES’ motor homes with a map

of Nottingham. He hands it to ANNIE. She opens it.
ANNIE
I don’t remember the name of
the street.
GENE
What?! He only names it five
times a day.
ANNIE (defensive)
Well do you remember?
GENE
Erm, No.
CHARLOTTE
Oh great.
JACQUES
Can’t we just phone him?
GENE
What?
JACQUES
He’s got a phone hasn’t he?
GENE
Yes yes, of course! Here..
He reaches for his pocket. Then a realisation.
GENE (cont’d)
His number’s on my phone.
62
63
In a lake, somewhere.
JACQUES
You didn’t write it down?
GENE
No. But I wasn’t banking on
having my phone thrown into
a lake.
ANNIE
Get lost Gene.
CHARLOTTE
So we’re stranded.
Their desolation is apparent. A CAR passes them.
114 INT THE CAR SAME TIME
JO and ALICE are in the car that just passed by.
JO
Oh look was that the French?
ALICE
Can’t be, there’s only two of
them.
JO
Oh yeah.
115 INT RADIO STATION OFFICE DAY
Radio producer CHRISTINE is looking at the computer with

text messages coming in..
Please play Bon Jovi. Say hi to Carrie in Reading

she is 32 today. Etc..
Nothing about the French motor homes.
CHRISTINE
Something’s wrong.
MALCOLM is walking back to his chair with a cup of tea.
MALCOLM
63
64
What is it?
CHRISTINE
We lost them.
116 INT 10 LORD NELSON ST LOUNGE DAY
PHILLIPE and ELIZA drink tea. The room is full of

people, all sitting round. Old man MOHAMMED (70) is
trying to communicate with PHILLIPE.
MOHAMMED (animated, in Urdu)

I rent this house for a
peppercorn.
He takes a peppercorn from his pocket and eyeballs it.

His grand-daughter, AISHA, talks back to him.
AISHA (in Urdu)

He doesn’t understand you
you old git.
MOHAMMED
Hey, don’t be so rude.
(in English)
A peppercorn. My rent. See?
PHILLIPE stands up, mesmerised to be in the house of his

childhood. He walks towards the kitchen.
PHILLIPE (in French)

The kitchen.
AMIR (English)
The kitchen, yes.
He points to a corner of the room.
PHILLIPE (f)
The harpsichord, was here.
Where I learned to play.
He mimes playing a harpsichord.
AMIR (e)
That old piano thing? Threw
it out years ago mate, sorry.
GUPPY (to Amir)

Amir, who exactly are these
64
65
people?
AMIR
They said they were friends
of Mavis.
(to a young boy)

Choudhary, go and get Serena,
and tell her to bring a
phrase book or something.
117 INT CAFE DAY
GENE, ANNIE, JACQUES, CHARLOTTE, ROBERT and LUC have

stopped for a coffee.
GENE
At least in Italy he wouldn’t
be able to hijack the..
ANNIE (angry)
Gene, listen, right, let me
tell you about the last time
we visited Italy. After that
trip, I very nearly left you.
GENE
What?!
ANNIE
Three things kept me with
you, those two..
She’s referring to ROBERT and LUC
ANNIE (cont’d)
..and him.
Referring to PHILLIPE.
ANNIE (cont’d)
You were always on the phone,
always eyeing up other women
and you hardly played with
the kids on the entire trip.
A look here passes between GENE and CHARLOTTE.

Acknowledgement that he’s been eyeing her up too.
GENE
65
66
That’s unfair.
ANNIE
I spoke to Dad and he said
you were probably just
stressed with work and to
give you another chance.
(beat)
This trip, Gene, is your
other chance.
GENE
Oh.
(beat)
How am I doing?
ANNIE
If you don’t like the
answers, don’t ask the
questions.
GENE
Oh.
A pause.
CHARLOTTE
We should phone the police.
JACQUES
No, Charlotte.
CHARLOTTE
He’s got our daughter.
GENE
For god sake Charlotte, stop
worrying.
ANNIE
Gene!
JACQUES
No he’s right, Annie.
(to Charlotte)
No police, Charlotte. You
honestly think Eliza isn’t
fine? It’s bad of you not to
trust our friends, even
though their father is a
little bit loopy.
66
67
CHARLOTTE is cowed.
CHARLOTTE
Sorry Gene, Annie. I’m just
worried.
ANNIE
It’s fine Charlotte, you’re
acting like any mother would.
CHARLOTTE is consoled by this.. this is what being a

parent really feels like.
JACQUES opens the map index and starts to read it.
JACQUES
Look at us all, falling
apart. Come on.. Bingham
Road?
ANNIE
No.
JACQUES
Brown Lane.
ANNIE
No.
118 INT 10 LORD NELSON STREET LOUNGE DAY
Things in the house are much better now SERENA (13) has
been brought in with her French dictionary.
SERENA (English, to everyone)

So he stayed here with Mavis
in the war.
ELIZA (e)
Yes, in the war.
MOHAMMED (Urdu)
Serena can you translate?
She nods, yes.
MOHAMMED (cont’d, Urdu)

When we first moved here, it
was Mavis who made us the
67
68
most welcome..
MOHAMMED unfolds old newspaper clippings. We drift over

various news pieces as ELIZA explains to PHILLIPE.
A picture of a young MAVIS with the mayor of Nottingham.
ELIZA (v.o)
..Mavis founded the community
centre and the Roger Enderby
school at the end of the road
is named after her husband.
She helped these people when
they moved here, helped get
their mosque organised, and
campaigned for equal rights
for women and for Asians.
A picture of MAVIS at a ceremony with Princess Anne.
ELIZA (cont’d V.O)

She was given the freedom of
the city.. I think that’s
what they call it.. in 1984.
PHILLIPE (f)
Ask where her grave is, I
want to see it.
ELIZA (e)
Where is her.. what is the
word..?
SERENA volunteers the dictionary. ELIZA looks up the

word “grave”.
ELIZA (cont’d, e)
Grave. He wants to see her
grave please.
A look of concern passes around the room.
AMIR (e)
He wants to see her grave?
PHILLIPE clocks the strange atmosphere in the room.
PHILLIPE (f, to ELIZA)

What’s the matter? You’ve
said it wrong.
ELIZA
68
69
No, I’m sure I said grave.
The look around the family changes slowly once again to..
..smiles. Sniggers. Laughs.
MOHAMMED (Urdu)
Ah ha ha, her grave!
ELIZA (e)
What is wrong?
AMIR (e)
Nothing’s wrong girl, it’s
just that..well..
Mavis Enderby isn’t dead!
MOHAMMED (Urdu)
I hope she didn’t hear us,
she’d kick us out of her
house!
PHILLIPE
What’s wrong? Why do they
laugh?
ELIZA
Phillipe.. she isn’t dead.
PHILLIPE is utterly dumbfounded. He sits down in shock.
PHILLIPE
No. No. It can’t be.
AMIR (e)
Guppy get Adnan on the phone.
Tell him we’re going to
visit Mavis.
(cont’d, to Eliza)
Five minutes and we’ll take
you there, OK?
119 INT RADIO STATION DAY
JEREMY VINE is in the chair.
JEREMY VINE
It seems we’ve lost track of
our French guests. Last seen
heading into Nottingham.
69
70
120 EXT NOTTINGHAM STREETS
Phillipe’s Camper Van, followed by a couple of cars,

heads through the streets of Nottingham.
JEREMY VINE (V.O)

We’re looking for three
motor homes, so if you see
them please get in touch.
121 EXT HOLKHAM HEIGHTS NURSING HOME DAY
The convoy arrives at HOLKHAM HEIGHTS nursing home. AMIR

has driven PHILLIPE’S camper, he’s too shaken to drive.
AMIR (e)
Come on.
ELIZA holds PHILLIPE’S hand. He’s very hesitant.
122 INT HOLKHAM HEIGHTS NURSING HOME DAY ROOM DAY
The group of about eight of the Asian family, plus

PHILLIPE and ELIZA walk into the nursing home day room.
AMIR (e)
Ay up Mavis, one of your
waifs and strays has
returned!
And there she is..
NINETY-SEVEN years old, frail, in a wheelchair, with a

little Pomeranian dog at her feet, in flagrant disregard
of the rules of the Nursing Home.
MAVIS ENDERBY. Mother Nottingham. Grand old Matriarch.

Still wearing rouge and lipstick.
On PHILLIPE. Rooted to the spot. Like he is seeing a

real-life ghost. A pause.
MAVIS (loud)
Which one is he?
(to ELIZA)
You girl, what’s his name?
ELIZA
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71
He is Phillipe Gaston, mama.
Mavis rolls the words around her needle-sharp brain.
MAVIS
Phillipe.. Gaston.
Memory working overtime.
MAVIS (cont’d)
Got him.
(beat)
Became an organist.
Trouble maker too, I
remember.
PHILLIPE, full of tears, goes over and embraces Mavis.
PHILLIPE (f)
Oh mama. You saved my life.
He weeps. All of the onlookers are very moved too.
MAVIS (in French, tender)

Don’t wet my cardie, child.
PHILLIPE starts to dry his eyes.
MAVIS (cont’d, f, to PHILLIPE)

So have you come to play for
me after all these years?
PHILLIPE (f)
There is an organ?
MAVIS (f)
Not here, no.
PHILLIPE
I had to retire. Emphysema
they said, and a weak heart.
MAVIS
Rubbish! You’re a spring
chicken. Come on, let’s get
out of here for a change.
71
72
AMIR drives. PHILLIPE just stares at MAVIS, who is

sitting with ELIZA. PICKLE the dog on PHILLIPE’S knee.
ELIZA regards a tape box in the camper van, we see the

picture on the box is a young Phillipe – “organ recitals
by Phillipe Gaston”.
PHILLIPE passes his phone to ELIZA.
PHILLIPE (to ELIZA)

I don’t know how to work
this. Can you phone Gene,
tell them where we are?
ELIZA
But Annie threw his phone in
the lake.
PHILLIPE
Oh yes.
ELIZA
It’s OK, I can phone..
PHILLIPE
Who.. your father?
Eliza looks forlornly at him. It’s a tense moment.
PHILLIPE (cont’d)
It’s alright. Just start
with the name and the
emotions will follow.
MAVIS nods at her, she agrees with what Phillipe is

saying. Eliza understands, she keys in the number.
124 EXT CAFE DAY
GENE, ANNIE, JACQUES and CHARLOTTE are in the same café,

GENE is reading through the index of the Nottingham A-Z.
GENE
Derby Road.
ANNIE
No.
GENE
Ducayne Street.
72
73
ANNIE
No.
GENE
Ellesmere Street?
ANNIE
No!
CHARLOTTE
This is hopeless.
JACQUES’ phone rings. He answers.
JACQUES
Eliza? Where are you?
125 INT NOTTINGHAM COUNCIL HOUSE DAY
This is one of the most beautiful buildings in

Nottingham.
There are some visitors inside, looking round the place.

Footsteps echo on the hard floor.
ELIZA walks PHILLIPE across the central lobby.
After establishing this, we see, behind these two..
AMIR pushing MAVIS ENDERBY in her wheelchair.

PICKLE the Pomeranian close by. And behind these three..
The other seven members of the Asian Family, and also..
MOST OF THE OLD PEOPLE FROM THE NURSING HOME.

They are being pushed by a variety of helpers.
Silence, except for the squeaks from their wheelchairs

echoing around the place.
The large and unlikely looking group filter into the main
BANQUETING HALL.
MAVIS bids PHILLIPE continue to the organ, which is

nearby. She pats the seat next to her, for ELIZA to sit
down. Eliza does so.
PHILLIPE walks towards the organ. He has to cross a

roped off cordon to get there.
73
74
As he approaches the organ, he is accosted by COUNCILLOR

HARRY EDWARDS.
COUNCILLOR HARRY
Excuse me Sir, no visitors in
this area I’m afraid.
PHILLIPE just looks at him with incomprehension.
MAVIS (off)
Come off it Harry, let the
boy play.
COUNCILLOR HARRY swings round and sees MAVIS and the

GANG. Instant capitulation.
COUNCILLOR HARRY
Mavis, so sorry, I didn’t
realise..
MAVIS
Don’t worry about it. Come
and have a seat. The boy’s
come a long way to play for
me. A very long way.
PHILLIPE walks over to the organ. He takes a seat.

Cracks his fingers. Touches the keys, tentative at
first.
A simple number to start with. Something fairly gentle.

He is very very good.
126 EXT STREETS NEAR COUNCIL HOUSE SAME TIME
The other two motor homes drive towards the Council

House.
GENE
Which side’s the entrance?
ANNIE
I don’t know.
GENE
Where do I park?
ANNIE
How the hell should I know!
74
75
127 INT NOTTINGHAM COUNCIL HOUSE LATER
PHILLIPE at the organ is now dancing around it.

This wizened old French Man has come alive, very
animated, he rattles through a more complex piece.
VISITORS filtering in at the back start to sit down.
PHILLIPE reaches a crescendo, and ends.
APPLAUSE.
GENE, ANNIE, JACQUES, CHARLOTTE, ROBERT and LUC enter at

the back of the banqueting hall. JACQUES sees ELIZA.
JACQUES
There’s Eliza. Where’s
Phillipe?
GENE
Oh he’ll be..
ANNIE (fully realising)

..playing the organ.
A THUNDEROUS ROAR FROM THE ORGAN – the opening chord from

BACH’S TOCATA AND FUGUE.
128 INT NOTTINGHAM COUNCIL HOUSE MONTAGE
Drifting around the different faces in this unlikely

looking audience. Everyone totally enraptured by the
music.
The Asian family. Moved.
The tourists. The OAP’s from the home. All in total

rapture.
On PHILLIPE. Playing. Sweating.
JACQUES and CHARLOTTE sitting by ELIZA.
129 EXT NOTTINGHAM COUNCIL HOUSE DAY
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76
A shot of the building from the outside as the music

ends. Tumultuous applause. Everyone starts to file
out.
ROBERT
That was so cool!
MAVIS (French)
Phillipe, thank you.
You’ve made an old woman
very happy.
PHILLIPE
I’m a little bit rusty.
WALLY (60), one of the visitors, with his wife MAGGIE

(55) looks out across the plaza. He spots the motor
homes parked together. The penny dropping.
WALLY (e)
Hang on..
He approaches JACQUES.
WALLY (e, to JACQUES)

Excuse me Sir, pardon me for
asking, but, have you been
to Dorchester in your visit?
JACQUES (e)
Pardon?
WALLY (e)
You been Dorchester?
JACQUES (e)
Dorchester? Yes.
WALLY
Moreton in Marsh?
His wife is getting agitated.
MAGGIE
Leave it Wally.
WALLY
Alton Towers?
JACQUES (e, suspicious)

How do you know?
76
77
WALLY
Don’t suppose you’ve..
MAGGIE
Wally! Leave them in peace.
JACQUES
The..?
WALLY
Ohhh..doesn’t matter, welcome
to England.
He shakes a confused JACQUES’ hand.
WALLY (cont’d)
Fabulous recital. Good isn’t
he? Hope the rest of the
trip goes ok.
He walks off, leaving JACQUES totally thrown.
130 EXT NOTTINGHAM COUNCIL HOUSE MOMENTS LATER
The French are all loaded into their motor homes. MAVIS
and the Asian family are waving them off. WALLY is
standing next to them.
WALLY
Well who’d have thought it?
Very nice to meet them.
MAVIS and AMIR look quizzically at WALLY.
WALLY
Oh I’m sorry I thought you
knew them too. Do you listen
to Radio 2?
Wally begins to explain everything to Mavis and the gang.
131 INT PHILLIPE’S CAMPER VAN EVENING
PHILLIPE is sitting in the passenger seat of his camper

van. His eyes are closed. We reveal the driver, ANNIE.
ANNIE
Look at you, shattered.
77
78
PHILLIPE
Don’t start Annie.
ANNIE
Why are all the men in my
life so pig-headed?
PHILLIPE
Annie please.
A long pause.
ANNIE
You were amazing in there.
PHILLIPE
Was I?
ANNIE
You’ve still got it.
Another long pause.
ANNIE (cont’d)
Dad, look, I’m sorry I didn’t
want you to go to Nottingham.
It worried me, the past. I
thought it might be too much
for you, your heart and all.
PHILLIPE
We shouldn’t have gone there.
Its really not the past we
should be worried about. The
future is more important.
(beat)
We can go home now, whenever
you’re ready. How’s things
with Gene?
ANNIE
He’s still a bully, if that’s
what you mean.
PHILLIPE
He’ll be alright. I was the
same at his age. Workaholic.
ANNIE
No dad – he most definitely
78
79
isn’t you. Not at all.
132 INT RADIO STATION OFFICES EVENING
Traffic staff member JILL works the phones.
JILL
You sure it was them?
(beat)
That’s great, thanks Wally.
She holds up her piece of paper.
JILL (cont’d)
We’re back on, Dave.
Stuart Maconie Show producer DAVE, takes the paper off

her. He reads.
DAVE
No way. Wow.
133 INT ENGLISH KITCHEN EVE
BARRY, the English guy we saw earlier, is still ironing.
STUART MACONIE (on radio)

We lost them for a while but
it seems the French convoy
have just left Nottingham.
Barry smiles, listening in.
134 EXT ROADS EVE
The motor homes take an exit signed “THE SOUTH.”
STUART MACONIE (V.O)

It seems they’ve had quite a
day of it too.
135 EXT BLENHEIM CAMPSITE OXFORDSHIRE DAY
Next day, JACQUES, CHARLOTTE, PHILLIPE, ANNIE and GENE

all sit around. PHILLIPE with his pipe.
79
80
JACQUES
I still don’t understand how
the English guy knew where
we’d been.
CHARLOTTE
Drop it now eh Jacques?
They look at ELIZA, who is at an outside tap, filling

water balloons with the boys, ROBERT and LUC.
ANNIE
How is she?
CHARLOTTE
Feels like she’s settling in
now.
ANNIE
Good.
CHARLOTTE (to Phillipe)

I don’t know what passed
between you two, but thanks.
PHILLIPE
I told you, she’s a good kid.
Heart’s in the right place.
LUC walks into the middle of the group, grinning,

carrying a water balloon.
PHILLIPE (cont’d)
This one, on the other hand..
GENE (to Luc)

Now then young man, where are
you going with that?
LUC raises the water balloon above his head.
GENE (cont’d)
I wouldn’t do that if I were
you.
LUC does throw the water balloon at GENE. It bursts.

GENE yelps at the cold.
GENE (cont’d)
Right, that does it.
80
81
Slight tension here, is GENE going to get angry?
GENE runs over to the tap, picks up a balloon and throws

it towards LUC. It misses, hitting ANNIE.
GENE
Whoops!
ANNIE
Gene!
GENE runs over, grabs a towel. Tries to dry ANNIE.
ANNIE (cont’d)
You missed some.
She points down to her feet. GENE bends down. ANNIE

pours her glass of water over him.
JACQUES laughs at this, when suddenly, plop! He’s hit by

a water balloon thrown by ELIZA. He yelps too. Suddenly
it’s pandemonium, everyone is getting soaked by everyone
else. The kids are loving it.
136 EXT MOTORHOMES DAY
JACQUES stalks slowly around a corner of the motor homes,

stealthily. ROBERT runs up behind him and throws a water
balloon over his head.
137 EXT MOTOROMES DAY
GENE and ANNIE are in a quiet corner, throwing water from

buckets at each other.
ANNIE lets her wet hair down. The water gripping tight
to her clothes reveals a great figure.
GENE is entranced, finally seeing again the true beauty

of his wife.
GENE
I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
He heads towards her, and then..
WHACK!
81
82
ANNIE punches him in the face. GENE, taken aback, slips

on the sodden ground.
There is a moment of complete shock on GENE’S face as he

sits in the mud, nursing what is going to be a black eye.
ANNIE turns and walks away.
138 EXT MOTORHOMES DAY
ELIZA is high up. She has a foot on the roof of JACQUES’

MOTORHOME and the other on the roof of GENE’S MOTORHOME.
From her POV we see CHARLOTTE creeping round the corner

of one of the motor homes.
Above her, ELIZA creeps up. Raises the balloon to give

Charlotte a good soaking. But her foot slips.
She falls with a crash. We hear her cry out.
139 EXT MOTORHOMES MOMENTS LATER
JACQUES, ANNIE, PHILLIPE, ROBERT & LUC are all on the

scene as ELIZA is on the floor, crying.
ANNIE
What happened?
CHARLOTTE
She fell. From up there.
ELIZA has a small cut to her head. She nurses her arm.
She is in pain. GENE arrives with a big first-aid kit.
GENE
It’s alright, don’t panic.
Everyone out of the way.
Right..
The other adults look towards Gene, at his injured eye.
GENE ignores them, and opens the first aid kit. He takes
out a sticking plaster and aims it at ELIZA’S head.
ELIZA squeals. JACQUES intervenes.
JACQUES
Gene it’s her arm I’m more
worried about.
82
83
GENE has to step back as JACQUES intervenes.
GENE
I was just coming to that.
He wasn’t. He doesn’t have much of a clue. As soon as

JACQUES gets close to her, ELIZA slows down her crying.
JACQUES (to ELIZA)

Show me..
She does so. He touches her arm, ever so gently.
JACQUES
Feel that?
ELIZA sniffling, nods her head. JACQUES touches near her

elbow, she cries out.
JACQUES
OK precious.
(to GENE)
Pass me that bandage please.
GENE reaches into his first-aid kit.
JACQUES
Not that one, that one.
GENE does as he’s told, JACQUES is in complete control.

Campers ANDY (40) and GLORIA (45) arrive on the scene.
ANDY (e)
What happened?
JACQUES (e)
Her arm may be broken.
We need to get to hospital.
JACQUES makes a sling as ANDY assesses the situation.
ANDY (e)
Right, let’s get her to
Addenbrookes.
JACQUES (e, protesting)

We’re..
ANDY (e, very kind)

No mate, Let’s just say we’re
83
84
helping you whether you want

us to or not.
140 INT ANDY’S CAR EVE
ANDY drives his car as FLUFF, a really big English Bull

Terrier, sits in the front seat.
In the back seat, ELIZA, flanked by JACQUES and

CHARLOTTE. They are all still soaking wet from earlier.
ANDY (e)
Fluff, how many more times,
stop drooling on the seats.
ELIZA (f, to JACQUES)

I’m sorry.
JACQUES
For heavens sake, don’t be.
141 INT ADDENBROOKES HOSPITAL A & E EVE
ANDY marches straight into A & E reception. It’s quiet.
ANDY
Service!
The A&E Receptionist looks up over her spectacles.
A&E RECEPTIONIST
Can I help you?
ANDY
Girl here with a suspect
broken arm.
He leans forward to her. Whispering.
ANDY (cont’d)
And it’s one of the French.
A&E RECEPTIONIST
The French?
ANDY
Don’t tell me a girl your age
don’t listen to Radio 2.
84
85
A&E RECEPTIONIST (realising)

Oh. The French. You sure?
ANDY
Sure as.
142 INT ADDENBROOKES HOSPITAL WARD NIGHT
ELIZA, JACQUES and CHARLOTTE are sitting on a hospital

bed. DR BASHIR (35) looks at an X-Ray of her arm.
A nurse, DEBBIE (22) sits on the bed near them.
DR BASHIR (e)
She has a fractured elbow.
DEBBIE (f)
She has a fractured elbow.
DR BASHIR (e)
We’ll need to set it in
plaster. We need the name
and address of her doctor at
home and we’ll send all the
details on. Ok, good.
His words merge with DEBBIE’S translation.
DR BASHIR (e)
Nice bandage work, by the
way.
DEBBIE (f)
He says nice bandaging.
JACQUES (e)
Thank you.
ELIZA has been sitting in the middle of them all

throughout, listening to everything.
Here are people who genuinely do care for her.
CHARLOTTE tries to lift her arm up, but ELIZA, with her
good arm, pulls it back down around her.
143 EXT MOTORHOMES NIGHT
PHILLIPE sits asleep with GLORIA, who is reading.
85
86
GENE and ANNIE sit with a glass of wine, looking at the

stars. ROBERT and LUC are in bed.
ANNIE (to Gene, of Phillipe)

He’s still exhausted.
GENE is looking up at the stars.
GENE
Perhaps it’s out of his
system now.
ANNIE
You mean..?
GENE
It’s more than just the
playing. It’s like a form of
..closure, somehow.
(double beat)
I should have never brought
my phone.
ANNIE sits in silence.
GENE
Are we ok?
ANNIE shrugs.
ANNIE
I don’t know, are we?
GENE
You tell me. You’re the one
who punched me in the face.
ANNIE
You’re the one who asked for it.
GENE
I did didn’t I? Sorry.
ANNIE
For?
GENE
For neglecting you.
(beat)
86
87
For not being firmer with work.
(beat)
For eyeing up Charlotte?
ANNIE
You’re forgetting the most important
thing.
GENE
Phillipe?
ANNIE
Your children Gene, idiot.
GENE
Yes.
ANNIE
These holidays mean so much to
them. In a few more years,
they’ll be holidaying on their
own, or with their girlfriends.
These moments, we keep forever.
You on the phone all the time,
being angry all the time, it
lessens it, Gene.
GENE
You’re right.
He moves towards her. She turns. He flinches.
GENE (cont’d)
You’re not going to hit me
again?
ANNIE
Only if you want me to.
He kisses her, tentatively. Their kiss grows in passion.

It is a very beautiful kiss indeed.
144 INT ANDY’S CAR NIGHT
ANDY drives JACQUES, CHARLOTTE and ELIZA back from the

hospital. ELIZA’S arm in plaster.
ANDY
What is it Fluff, not the
87
88
leather again!
JACQUES (e)
Thank you Andy, so kind.
ANDY (e)
No worries mate. And listen
- that thing they’ve been
doing on the radio, I didn’t
agree with it at first. But
well, it gets quite
addictive.
JACQUES (e)
I’m sorry I don’t understand.
ANDY (e)
Doesn’t matter mate, neither
do I. I’m just happy to have
been a part of it, know what
I mean?
JACQUES
Yes.
But he doesn’t really understand.
145 EXT MOTORHOMES NIGHT
GENE and ANNIE still kissing under the stars are

illuminated by the arrival of Andy’s Car.
ELIZA, JACQUES and CHARLOTTE get out of the car. ELIZA

with her plastered arm.
ANNIE
Good grief you have been in
the wars!
JACQUES
She’s fractured an elbow.
ANNIE
How was the hospital?
CHARLOTTE
Amazing. Everyone was so
nice, weren’t they sweetie?
88
89
ELIZA
Yes..
The next word she mouths silently, she still can’t say it
out loud.
ELIZA (silent)
..Mama.
JACQUES goes and puts an arm on ANDY’S shoulder.
JACQUES (loud)
And this fine English Man
here, deserves a bottle of
wine for his trouble.
PHILLIPE has woken up.
PHILLIPE
Pardon?
ANNIE
A bottle of wine for Andy.
PHILLIPE (reluctant)
What, a bottle of my good
stuff?
ANNIE gives him a glowering look.
PHILLIPE (cowed)
It would be an honour.
He stands up and heads into his CAMPER VAN.
ANDY (e, solicitous)

So.. I bet you’ll be heading
home soon?
JACQUES (e)
Pardon?
ANDY
When you going back to France?
JACQUES (e)
Oh - tomorrow.
ANDY (e, breezy)

Morning or afternoon?
89
90
JACQUES
Afternoon.
JACQUES seems slightly puzzled by Andy’s questions.

PHILLIPE returns with a bottle of very nice wine.
PHILLIPE (f)
I bought this to.. celebrate
a life, only, well, they’re
not dead yet. I think it’s
only fitting that you, a man
from my adopted homeland,
should have it.
He hands ANDY the bottle.
ANDY (e)
I don’t know what you just
said but thanks very much.
I’ll have it tomorrow with
my fish and chips. That’s
nice isn’t Gloria?
GLORIA
Yes Andy.
146 INT JACQUES & CHARLOTTTE’S MOTORHOME NIGHT
We see CHARLOTTE with her nail varnish, painting some toe

nails. ELIZA’S.
JACQUES enters, trying to get into bed. He struggles to

get to where he wants to be.
CHARLOTTE
You’ll have to wait darling,
won’t he?
ELIZA grins and nods, yes.
JACQUES
Are you two ganging up on me?
CHARLOTTE
Erm.. yes. Us girls have to
stick together.
90
91
JACQUES
Unbelievable.
He leaves, absolutely delighted at the new found banter.
147 EXT MOTORWAY DAY
The MOTORHOMES head south. Signposted to DOVER.

Well after a week trundling
all over the country, it
seems the French convoy is
finally heading home.
More driving, signed to “DOVER 12” PORT CHANNEL TUNNEL.

Just twelve miles to go. And
if you’re phoning in to tell
us where they are, stop,
you’re jamming the
switchboards, we know they’re
on the M20, Ok?
148 EXT DOVER DAY
The MOTORHOMES head towards the PORT OF DOVER.

The streets seem unusually busy, people are waving.
GENE and ANNIE are looking at the crowds of people.
GENE
Ok, now what?
ANNIE
Are they waving.. at us?
They pass a banner reading “Bon Voyage!” ROBERT and LUC

start waving back, eliciting more waves from the crowds.
England has turned up to wave them off.
150 INT JACQUES’ MOTORHOME SAME TIME
91
92
JACQUES, CHARLOTTE and ELIZA are equally perplexed.
CHARLOTTE
Can someone tell me what is
going on?
JACQUES
I think its something to do
with us. The guy in
Nottingham, Andy in the car.
They were trying to tell us
something.
CHARLOTTE
Tell us what?
JACQUES
I have absolutely no idea.
ELIZA waves at the crowds.
PHILLIPE waves at the crowds like an elder statesman.
PHILLIPE
Oh how much do I love this
country.
152 EXT STREETS OF DOVER DAY
Two young men unfurl a banner which says
“Piss off Frogs! – Good Riddance!”
They are immediately set upon by others in the crowd.

The banner is destroyed. It’s a mini-riot. Police home
in on the trouble makers. The motor homes glide past the
scene.
153 INT RADIO STATION DAY
JEREMY VINE is in the chair with producer CHRISTINE.
CHRISTINE
Two hundred and forty eight
thousand, seven hundred and
sixty one messages of
92
93
support.
JEREMY
Incredible. So do you think
we ought to finally tell them
what’s been going on, or
should we just let them leave?
CHRISTINE
I think.. let them leave.
It’s funny they don’t know.
JEREMY
A-ha! Yes it is! If anyone
wants to look, you can see
them on our webcam, looks
like there’s a lot of people
out on the streets of Dover
this afternoon.
154 EXT STREETS OF DOVER DAY
The motor homes have stopped. Out of the crowd comes

ANDY. He hands the bottle of wine back to PHILLIPE.
ANDY
You daft old duffer, you
didn’t tell me it was a
five-hundred quid bottle!
PHILLIPE takes the wine back, confused.
Also amongst the crowds we find people who we have seen

throughout the story, the PLASTERERS from earlier, CLIVE,
CHARLIE, JANE, GARY, MAUREEN, and so on.
Also BARRY, the guy who was ironing the shirts and
listening in on the radio. He waves his iron.
Finally we see MAVIS ENDERBY in her wheelchair, being

pushed by AMIR, with MOHAMMED, GUPPY, SERENA and
CHOUDHARY there too.
PHILLIPE sees her, and gets out of his camper. The other
French get out too.
PHILLIPE
Mavis?
MAVIS
93
94
Couldn’t let you leave

without a proper goodbye.
PHILLIPE
You arranged all this?
MAVIS
Even I’m not that good.
JACQUES (in English)

What is going on?
MAVIS (f)
They’ve turned you into
heroes.
JACQUES
But why?
ANDY (e)
Its just us lot having a
laugh, don’t worry about it,
just enjoy it.
MOHAMMED (e)
He means.. The English are
nuts.
ANDY
Exactly.
ELIZA (to Jacques)

What’s happening papa?
JACQUES
They have been following us.
CHARLOTTE
You were right then Jacques.
ELIZA wanders off, shaking people’s hands.
JACQUES
How utterly bizarre.
CHARLOTTE
You realise she just called
you “Papa?”
JACQUES
I did, I’m trying not to
94
95
make a big deal of it.
They look on at their daughter smiling and shaking hands

with the English.
JACQUES (cont’d)
Inside I’m melting.
CHARLOTTE
Me too.
GENE
This place is amazing.
ANNIE (to Phillipe)

It must have been your
playing, maybe?
JACQUES
No. They knew where we’d
been, knew we’d be here.
It was a co-ordinated effort.
MAVIS
Here’s a tip for you, next
time you’re here, spread out
on the road. Apparently you
drive too close together and
no-one can overtake you.
GENE
I never noticed.
MAVIS
The traffic reports did.
JACQUES and CHARLOTTE

The radio!
GENE
Ahh.
JACQUES
Now I understand!
GENE
Unbelievable.
JACQUES
We drive too close, and they
do this?
95
96
CHARLOTTE
What a strange nation they
are.
The French turn and wave together, there is a big cheer

from the crowd.
155 EXT FERRY EVE
It is nearly dark by the time their ferry leaves Dover.

People waving from the dock side, mainly PORT EMPLOYEES
in fluorescent jackets.
As the ferry gets underway, a big firework display from

the cliff top.
Pop, one of the noises is of a bottle of wine opening.

On deck, PHILLIPE pours the very expensive wine.
PHILLIPE
Don’t spill any.
He hands a glass to JACQUES, CHARLOTTE, ANNIE and GENE.
ELIZA, ROBERT and LUC holding on to legs, hands etc.
They raise their glasses.
PHILLIPE
To England.
ALL
England!
They drink.
GENE
So.. same time next year?
PHILLIPE
No way.
ANNIE
No, I don’t think so.
JACQUES
The English are completely
insane!
96
97
GENE
Oh.
A pause.
ANNIE
Besides which, Italy’s just,
so much warmer this time of
year, don’t you think?
GENE hugs ANNIE close to him.
On the radio..
JEREMY VINE (V.O)

And as the French family
leave English soil, it only
remains for me to say, “Bon
Voyage” – it’s been a
pleasure. And on tomorrow’s
show we’ll be discussing the
Government’s new identity
card scheme. Essential new
initiative or ..
The radio merges to static for a few seconds, before

picking up a French Radio Station and a lovely Gallic
tune.
THE END.
97

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La Manche

Draft 2. 22nd December 2008

Note: Unless otherwise specified, the dialogue is all

1 EXT FERRY DAY

ELIZA (11) stands on the deck of a large car ferry with

Another family accompanies them. They are GENE (45), his

GENE (ignoring her)

Switch to a view from behind the group.. looming up in

GENE (CONT’D, resigned)

They walk out of frame.

We hear: French Radio

2 EXT DOVER FERRY TERMINAL DAY

The three Motorhomes exit the ferry onto English soil.

We hear: The French Radio DJ speaking, introducing a

3 INT/EXT GENE’S MOTORHOME/DOVER DAY

The Motorhome convoy pass the sign instructing them to

Sitting next to him is his wife ANNIE. In the back,

The French Music on the radio crackles to static as the

4 INT/EXT JACQUES’ MOTORHOME/DOVER DAY

JACQUES drives his smaller motorhome, the style is much

Partner CHARLOTTE in the passenger seat. Seated in the

We hear: the crackle of static fades into English Radio.

RADIO JINGLE (v.o)

And then the radio plays a nice English tune.

5 INT/EXT PHILLIPE’S MOTORHOME/ROADS DAY

In the smallest, oldest motorhome, old man PHILLIPE is

6 EXT COAST ROADS NEAR EASTBOURNE DAY

The Motorhomes head along a stretch of coast road.

7 EXT CLIFFTOP VIEWPOINT DAY

The three are parked at a cliff top view point.

GENE, ANNIE, ROBERT, LUC, PHILLIPE, JACQUES, CHARLOTTE

He sets his camera on a rock nearby.

JACQUES eventually gets the shot he’s after. He sets the

They all smile. There’s a delay. Smiles cracking. The

PHOTOGRAPH – A badly framed photograph of the group on

Title on this image: LA MANCHE.

8 EXT BREEZES CARAVAN PARK HASTINGS EVENING

The three Motorhomes head into the entrance of Breezes

They are followed by quite a queue of cars who all gladly

9 EXT BREEZES PARK EVENING

The motorhomes are parked in such a way as to form three

On the left – PHILLIPE’S MOTORHOME

This is the French enclave, the centre of things.

In the middle, ANNIE sits at a large folding table,

ANNIE’S children, ROBERT & LUC, play a game of tag,

PHILLIPE opens a bottle of wine.

ANNIE’S children, ROBERT & LUC bump into the table.

ELIZA holds firm. CHARLOTTE doesn’t push it.

PHILLIPE sneaks a wink and a smile towards ELIZA. She

10 EXT BACK OF MOTORHOMES NIGHT 10

GENE and JACQUES are at the back of JACQUES motorhome,

The gas switch positions are unmarked. Jacques turns it

JACQUES does as he’s told. GENE turns the switch.

GENE turns the switch again.

Puzzled, GENE uncouples the gas bottle and lifts it. It

GENE gives the look of a man who leaves nothing to luck.

They walk over to the back of GENE’S MOTORHOME.

GENE presses a switch and the door to his gas bottle

The gas switch of Gene’s motorhome has had another Gene

In luminous paint on the board are the “On” and “Off”

11 EXT FRENCH ENCLAVE CAMPSITE TABLE NIGHT

GENE and JACQUES join ANNIE, CHARLOTTE, old man PHILLIPE

PHILLIPE lays the carving knife across a side of ham. He