parenting

With

positive
guidance

Tools for Building Discipline from the Inside Out. By Amanda Morgan, MS Author of www.notjustcute.com

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::: This book is dedicated to my husband, my perfect partner in parenting, as well as to both sets of our parents, who first showed us the way. :::

Copyright 2010 by Amanda Morgan. All Rights Reserved.

Photography by Christianne Cox, Three Seas Photography.

Please do not reproduce and/or distribute copies of this book in either electronic or print format. (Consider the irony for a moment.book on discipline.unauthorized copies.)

This book may be purchased at www.notjustcute.com , where you may also read more from Amanda Morgan as she blogs about supporting whole child development with activities and articles that are more than just cute, for young children who are much more than cute too.

Underlined text is hyperlinked. Addresses may also be found in the Resources and References section. Referenced books are linked to Amazon.com simply to help you find them. At the this time, I receive no incentive from Amazon.com, authors, or publishers for promoting their books.
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The Author

Amanda Morgan is a proud graduate of Utah State University who holds a BA in both elementary and early childhood education and an MS in human development. She has a wealth of experience in classrooms ranging from preschool to sixth grade and has taught in private, public, and migrant schools. In addition, works as a consultant and trainer for a non-profit childrens organization. She enjoys teaching other teachers and parents about child development and teaching strategies. As a mom and an educator, she is passionate about moving learning objectives from the theoretical into the practical, with meaningful activities that are engaging, and always fun. At Not Just Cute, she blogs about supporting whole child development with activities and articles that are more than just cute, for young children who are much more than cute too. Amanda is a native of Eastern Oregon who now resides in Utah at the foot of the Wasatch Mountains. She and her husband are the parents of three boys. Her other interests include childrens literature, running, cooking and baking (off-set by more running), home improvement, reading, and finding a good bargain. Contact may be made via email at notjustcute@hotmail.com

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Table of Contents
Introduction.. 6

Part One: Building Discipline from the Inside Out

Chapter One: Positive Guidance. 10 Chapter Two: A Well-Stocked Toolbox.. 15 Chapter Three: Working With Broken Tools.. 20 Chapter Four: CARE Enough to Understand the Source 29 Chapter Five: Newtons LawSort of.. 40

Part Two: Inside the Toolbox..

Chapter Six: The Tools.. Tool #1: Proactively Teaching Social Skills

45 46 47

Tool #2: Encourage and Reinforce Positive Behavior 51 Tool #3: Say What You Need to See.. 56 Tool #4: Learn to Laugh. 60 Tool #5: Use the Enchanting World of Stories 62 Tool #6: Validate and Label Emotions. 66 Tool #7: Teach Active Problem Solving.. 68

Tool #8: Redirect. 73 Tool #9: Offer Choices and Consequences 76 Tool #10: Disengage. 80 Chapter Seven: Putting the Tools to Work. 83
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Part Three: Bringing it All Together.

87

Chapter Eight: Building a Positive Culture with Simple Tools 88 Chapter Nine: Loveto Teach.. 93 Chapter Ten: Putting Principles into Practice 97 References and Resources. 99

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Introduction
A Disclaimer
Before reading this book, its important to me that you realize that I am not a perfect parent. Ive long been leery of the term parenting expert because such a title instantly invites scrutiny, and quite frankly, I dont feel up to the inspection. With three boys age six and under, I am still very much on the proving grounds of parenthood. My own kids, and those I work with, throw tantrums, tackle playmates, and even if you can believe it shout at me now and then about how much they dont like me anymore. In other words, they're normal kids. While I still bristle at the term parenting expert, I do feel qualified to be called a child development expert. My bachelors degree is in Elementary and Early Childhood Education, and I earned my masters degree in Human Development, where I focused on the early childhood years. Ive worked with children in a variety of settings: As a university lab preschool teacher, as a public school teacher, as a supervisor to student teachers, and as a consultant and trainer to early childhood professionals. Certainly all that experience has been put to the test on a daily basis in my ultimate teaching role as Mom. Because of my background and work experiences I have become more aware of a variety of tools that I use inside the classroom and inside my home to approach difficult behaviors. While I dont claim to have supernatural powers that allow me to control all child behavior, turning each little one into the offspring of the Stepford Wives, I do use these tools to make what I do a little bit easier for me and more effective for the children I love and teach. This e-book wont give you a magic wand to wave over challenging children, instantly instilling them with perfect behavior. There is no magical, easy, or perfect approach to dealing with challenging childhood behaviors. If there was, there wouldnt be shelves full of books on the topic in every book store and library. There would be one very short book and we would all have it
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memorized! I wont promise to give you a new kid by next Tuesday, or outline specific steps to follow for just 10 days to elicit a magical transformation. No book you read will ever change your child. It can only change you and how you react to your child in daily situations. Its the difference in those interactions that will effect real change in your child. What I will share with you here are lifetime skills tools, attitudes, and approaches that you can use every day to address difficult behaviors and teach children to make better choices about their own behavior, and thereby build internal discipline.

Simple Tools for an Important Task

Raising good kids is hard work. Dont let anyone try to tell you that you must be doing something wrong just because its hard. Other programs might make it seem easy or they may promise instant results. Too often these quick-fix programs rely on manipulating and bribing children into behaving rather than doing the hard work of teaching intrinsic moral discipline. It is hard work, but with the right tools the hard work begins to feel easier. And the best part is, by doing the hard work of teaching for long term growth rather than controlling for short term results, you will eventually be able to step back more and more as your children become increasingly capable of monitoring their own behavior. Ill be the first to say that these tools are not my own unique invention. I dont have a patent on the practical combination of sound theory and good judgment. What I am writing here is a compilation of my own internalization and application of the work of many, many people in the area of Positive Child Guidance. After studying child development for years and applying that study in amazing teaching experiences in the university and public school settings, I became a parent. I found I had a new challenge: To reconcile my textbook and clinical knowledge with the often messy reality of parenthood. These writings are largely written to myself. They are reminders and words of encouragement from the child development expert side of my brain to the often overwhelmed parent side of my brain. I realized long ago that I learn best by processing my thoughts through writing. As I began to share what I
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wrote with others through my blog, Not Just Cute, I was honestly surprised at the reaction I got. There were parents who, like me, found themselves in the typical daily battles with their young children, facing power struggles and tantrums, and they wanted a new approach. There were also parents who shared with me personal stories of childhood abuse and manipulation and a desire to create a better childhood for their own children. As I continued to write for myself, and then for them, some began to request it all in one book as a guide they could use and share with others. And so, here it is. This book is divided into three parts. Part one introduces the philosophy of positive guidance. Part two outlines the ten tools you can use to encourage positive behavior while building internal discipline. This section could be read all at once as an overview, but may also be helpful as a reference and reminder of individual tools. Part three discusses how this all comes together in a meaningful way for your individual family; how you can tailor all these principles to meet your unique goals and vision, creating a positive family culture and strong and loving family bonds.

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Part One: Building Discipline from the Inside Out

Goodness consists not in the outward things we do, but in the inward things we are. To be good is the great thing. -Edwin Hubbell Chapin

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Chapter One: Positive Guidance

The philosophy at the center of this book is generally referred to in child development literature as positive guidance. Positive guidance is based on the belief that any means of child guidance should focus on building up a childs selfcontrol rather than solely focusing on an immediate behavioral outcome. We first must realize that it is not our job (as parents and teachers) to eliminate conflict, disappointment, and frustration from the lives of our children, rather it is to teach our children how to appropriately deal with those situations and emotions. It is part of our stewardship to help our children make better choices now and in the future by helping them build self-mastery and social competence. Positive guidance focuses more on building the childs control over self than the adults control over the child. Perhaps I can better explain what positive guidance is by explaining what it is not. It is not your typical sticker chart or reward system for good behavior. These systems often get quick results, but their long-term influence on behavior is sparse. Once you run out of stickers, candies, or toys the child no longer has motivation. Likewise, children who respond to such circumstances in one situation, at home for example, have no incentive to carry over those same good behaviors when they are away at school, or with friends, or anywhere else. Think of it this way. If I offered $50 to anyone who could do 10 push-ups, you would at least attempt it, right? But does that mean I have effectively made you a healthier person or taught you to choose a healthier lifestyle for yourself? Of course not! You could collect your $50 and spend it all on chocolates and cheesecake! (Please invite me if you do!) If I continued to make this offer over time, you would begin to weigh out the offer, deciding if the effort was worth the $50, rather than considering the actual lifetime choice before you: whether the effort was worth your good health. Now this is not to say that rewards and incentives should never be used. They must simply be used sparingly and appropriately. They should focus on specific behaviors and skills being mastered (not just being good today), and should have a plan for being phased out rather
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than relied on as a permanent system for controlling behavior. Dont substitute short-term behavior gimmicks for teaching attitudes and skills for the long term. When you use positive guidance, you take a step back, check your own emotions, and calmly take on the role of encouraging and training a child to build the social skills and self-control necessary for future challenges. You accept that, just like learning to walk, social skills and self-control are learned. And, just like learning to walk, there will be missteps along the way. In every learning opportunity walking, talking, reading we accept that children will make mistakes and that mistakes are part of the learning process. We encourage them to keep trying and tell them that we know they are capable of mastering it. We can approach behavior in much the same way.

Discipline vs. Punishment

Im not trying to argue over semantics here, but I would like to offer a change in perspective. To many people, the two words above carry the same meaning. But lets think about that here. Punishment is something that happens to someone. Discipline is something found in someone. Its a quality. Something that has been fostered and developed. When a person has discipline they have the inner fortitude to make right choices, to do what needs to be done. Children arent born with this discipline. They arent born knowing they shouldnt take toys away form other kids, color on the walls, or flail in the middle of the aisles of the grocery store when we say we wont be buying the Super Crunchy Sugar Bombs. As young children they have a limited but growing amount of impulse control and a thin slice of social grace. But they are growing and developing, and they can learn. Consider a new baby whose arms flail wildly until, over time, the baby develops enough control to generate purposeful movements. Similarly, it takes time for preschoolers to develop the ability to move from acting on wild impulses to making controlled, thoughtful choices. As I mentioned before, self-control and discipline are learned behaviors. As with any learned skill, there will be mistakes along the way and some steep
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learning curves. Its our job to help and teach along the way. When a child struggles to learn to ride a bike, we take some extra time to clarify the process and coach her through. We teach social skills in the same way: give extra support and extra practice, clarifying and coaching until that skill becomes second-nature. Whether its riding a bike or making friends, mastering new skills takes time and multiple failed attempts before a child meets with success. When we remember that young children are learning and growing, and that there is a developmental aspect to their behavior (not just spite), it makes it easier to step back and keep the proper perspective. Perceived patience is actually a byproduct of increased understanding and appropriate expectations. When a person says a child needs to be disciplined they are referring to the fact that the child appears to lack that inner discipline. But you cant force that on a child in one instance. And so the meaning of that phrase seems to evolve into a more actionable meaning, that child needs to be punished. Punishment is an easy reaction. It doesnt require much thought. Its aim is merely to make an experience unpleasant. As a childcare center director shared with me in a discussion, Punishment hurts. Whether its physically or emotionally, the intention of punishment is to hurt the child. She recognized that this approach does little to instill real discipline. A young child often sees little or no connection between their action and an adults hurtful reaction. The relationship between the action and the punishment becomes convoluted and distorted. Discipline comes from an understanding of choices and consequences, not force, punishment, and pain. Let your focus be on guiding your children to develop actual discipline. This is not the fleeting good behavior that can be bought and bribed; this takes work. It requires effort, and time, and being present to guide a child to learn from his mistakes and not simply be punished for them. When the focus is on punishment as a reaction to improper behavior, we are only teaching the child not to get caught being bad. When we choose proactive discipline, we teach moral decision-making. Instead of trying to control our children, we teach them to control themselves. Rather than governing out of anger, we guide out of love. That doesnt mean we dont feel
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anger. Parents are humans after all, and we tend to feel anger when an entire pitcher of orange juice comes splattering down to the floor during a tantrum. But when we react out of anger shouting, spanking, throwing adult-sized tantrums ourselves the teachable moment for creating real discipline is lost.

Relinquishing Ownership
We have to let go of the notion that this is all about us. Let children own their own behavior. Focus on teaching, not on blind compliance. Heres an example. My oldest son, Spencer, recently asked me if he could play a game on the computer. I was pretty sure that my husband had told him on the previous day that he had used too much time on the computer and would need to make up for it by not playing the following day. I asked Spencer if I had understood their deal correctly. He initially agreed, but then slowly said, ButI think he said I could playfor just a short time today. Well, my initial impulse was to get into an argument about whether or not that was the truth and whether or not he should be able to play and whether or not too much computer time would eventually turn his brain into overcooked oatmeal. Instead, I decided to let him own his behavior. How about this, I said. You think about your deal with Dad and let me know what you decide to do. Then well let Dad know what your choice was when he gets home. Spence thought about this for a while before asking, Could you just tell him while Im upstairs? I could see where he was going. No, Buddy. Youre going to tell him what your choice was, and if you think youre going to feel bad about your choice, thats probably not a good one. But if you think youll be proud to tell Dad your choice, then I think you made the right decision. He thought for a long time. Then he tried one last tactic. He cried and thrashed and whined about how much he really wanted to play computer. It was an impressive performance, but because I had already made the decision to let him own his behavior, I didnt get worked up about the tantrum. It wasnt about me. I could easily and calmly say, I understand you want to play. And it really is your choice. Im not telling you not to play. You do what you think youll feel good about when you talk to Dad tonight. My calm response, reminding him that the
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decision was not mine, helped him to quickly realize that the fit was going to get him nowhere. I held my breath a little, the control-freak in me wanting to make him do the right thing, but I knew he had to own this small choice or hed not likely learn to navigate more perilous choices through life. Guess what? He didnt play the computer that day. And when he talked with my husband about his choice that day, he was proud of the choice HE had made. I could have forced Spencer not to play the computer by turning it off, or bribing him with candies and stickers, or by simply putting my foot down and clinging to the my way or the highway doctrine. That would have gotten the behavior I wantedfor that moment. But by letting him own his own behavior and giving him the opportunity to learn through the challenge, even when that meant giving him the opportunity to fail, he gained skills and an understanding of choice and consequence that will transfer to other situations. He built discipline. Children are certainly capable of intentional misbehavior, but adding our own emotions to theirs rarely serves a constructive purpose. Instead of looking at a childs behavior as a personal affront to you, remove yourself from the equation and look at the learning opportunity created. Positive guidance includes the philosophy that every child has the potential for learning correct behavior (within a developmentally appropriate level) and that with guidance and practice they will. All you need are the proper tools.

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Chapter Two: A Well-Stocked Toolbox

Imagine youre about to start a new business. Youve built a brand new fixit shop in town and youre about to open your doors. You will have to be ready to handle all kinds of problems: broken windows, leaky pipes, squeaky doors.If its a problem- you can fix it! Youre about to start fielding phone calls from frantic home owners with all kinds of problems, and you need to make sure your tools are ready. So you check out your toolbox. Inside your toolbox is one, solitary hammer. Its shiny and new, and handy in many different situations, but is it really enough to get you through every situation? My husband is a pretty handy guy to have around. He has a toolbox that is so heavy, just hefting it from its spot on the shelf to the worksite could lead to a series of chiropractic appointments. He has hammers to be sure: sledge hammers, small hammers, rubber mallets. But he also has pliers and drills and 42,ooo different types of screwdrivers. He has a zip saw and a chalk line and even a tool designed for shoeing horses. Did I mention we dont own any horses? The point Im trying to make is that you cant approach every challenge with the same tool. Just as you cant use a hammer for every household problem, you cant approach every behavior challenge with the same technique. Its like trying to get a screw to go in by hitting it with a hammer. So often you hear people say, But it worked with this child or in this situation, why doesnt it work now? Or you find people responding to every misbehavior with a time out. Consistent.sure. Effectivenot necessarily.

Tools of the Trade

Just as you would need to be familiar with a variety of tools to be prepared to approach the assortment of home-repair jobs, you also need a wide selection of guidance tools at your disposal to effectively address the multiplicity of challenges that arise in child behavior.

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This book will review 10 tools for positive guidance. The objective is to get familiar with the different methods, learn how and when to use them, and then implement them in your own situations. As you begin to approach behavior with a well-stocked toolbox, youll find those challenges a bit easier to handle.

Before You Open the Toolbox

Through my interactions with parents and teachers, both on my blog and in my work with The Childrens Center of Salt Lake, I have met many people who have experienced less than ideal childhoods. Their experiences run the gamut from pervasive negativity to absolute abuse in its many forms. In our discussions theyve stated that they dont want to parent the way their parents did. But making this change requires time and effort. Its well known that, particularly in times of stress, we tend to revert to our past experience as our script. We teach as we were taught, we parent as we were parented. We may know better than the teachers we had, or we may want more for our own kids than we were given, but when the pressure is on we tend to follow the script we learned from watching others. For some of us, with fortunate experiences and good role models, this truth is a blessing. For those with a less desirable childhood it can be a curse. I was working with a group of teachers recently when a woman shared something that I will never be able to forget. We had been talking about our own experiences being disciplined as children and she alluded to the fact that her father had often crossed the line into abuse. Decades later, the backs of her legs still bore scars where they had been beaten with switches and belts. As a mother, this woman swore that she would never allow such cruel treatment to befall her own children. She hung a belt from a nail next to her front door as a reminder of the trauma that had been caused by unbridled anger. She was determined, and with children now raised can say with pride that she was able to keep her promise to herself and to her children. She mentioned however, that her sister did not have the same response to the experience that she had. In fact, on one occasion while her sister was visiting her home with her own children
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she noticed the belt hanging by the door. Her response: Oh, good, you have one! I forgot to bring mine! What made the difference between the two sisters --- one working from the script of her own parent, the other rewriting her reality? It may be common human disposition to respond to challenging situations by drawing upon our experience and following in the same path as our predecessors, but having a disposition is not the same as having a destiny. We can change and break the cycle. But change is hard. Following our disposition means going with the flow, while change means swimming upstream. Alan Deutschman wrote a fascinating book about change why its so hard, and what makes some attempts at change fail while others succeed called, Change or Die. Among many other intriguing principles, Deutschman points out three keys to real change: Relate, Repeat, and Reframe.

Relate
Change requires having a relatable role model, mentor, or community. As a student teacher, I found that when I felt like I needed to do better, I would sometimes actually imagine I was my cooperating teacher. I would respond as she would respond until I could take those strong skills and put my own personal stamp on them. I do the same as a mother. Sometimes I visualize my mommy mentors and try to bring myself up to par. Having positive role models gives us a reference point. Having a strong relationship with these mentors gives us the chance to discuss our struggles, get support, and find reinforcement when we are tempted to slide into the course of least resistance.

Repeat
Any good behavior requires repetition to become a good habit. Whether youre working on finding more opportunities to positively encourage your children or developing a better coping mechanism when youve lost your cool, these changes wont come without time and practice. So have patience with
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yourself. Reinforce your goals with visual reminders, mental affirmations, or by regularly reading on the topic. If you have spent an entire childhood experiencing and observing shouting as a means of responding to misbehavior, it will take time and repetition to shift your natural reaction.

Reframe
Change in behavior requires a change in perspective. When we learn to see things differently, we begin to respond differently. We may need to reframe our perspective of child behavior, recognizing the learning that must take place for proper behavior and the mistakes that will inevitably come along the way. We may need to shift our focus from punishment to guidance, or reframe our expectations to better fit the developmental capacity of the children we love and teach.

A Change for the Better

The woman I mentioned earlier didnt read Deutschmans book but was fortunate enough to find these three keys changing her life. She was able to relate to other positive role models in her life and repeatedly affirmed her commitment to her own children and those she worked with, used the belt as a constant visual reminder, and also reinforced her decision with continual professional development in the field of child care and education. She had reframed her experience, recognizing her fathers unacceptable behavior for what it was and choosing to see her role as a parent, teacher, and administrator in a more positive, loving, and responsive way. Thankfully, not all of us have to overcome a past of abuse and drastically rewrite our scripts. But each one of us does need to be conscious of what our scripts are, and deliberate in choosing whether to keep them or change them. Feelings about discipline, hair-trigger responses to specific behaviors, and our views of our roles as parents all can have their roots in our own childhood experiences.

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You cant choose your childhood, but you can choose your future. So spend some time evaluating your script for parenting. What aspects are you grateful for, and what needs to change? Change takes time and effort, but the keys of change can open the door to a more intentional life.

Writing Your Own Script

::: Consider these questionsWhat are some of the good parenting aspects from your childhood? (This may be from your own parents or other parenting/authority figures from your childhood.) What are some of the aspects of your experience as a child you do not want to repeat? What do you know that makes these approaches unacceptable for you? Recognizing these as a part of your former script and reframing them with what you know to be true will help you be aware of how to keep them out of your current script. Who are some of the positive parenting mentors you have now? What do you admire about them? Observe positive role models and when possible, talk with them about your own parenting goals and struggles. What kind of a parent do you want to be? Create a visual image and then write a description being as specific as you can. Use the pronoun I and plenty of action words. Write about your ideal self in the present tense. Use this as your new script. Place your script somewhere where you will see it frequently and be reminded of what you want for yourself and for your children. ::: As you continue to read this book, learning new tools along the way, allow yourself the time, practice, and mercy necessary to authentically integrate them into your own personal script.

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Chapter Three: Working With Broken Tools

I recently came across this question from a frustrated parent in the online forum, JustAsk at Education.com: Q: How to Discipline a Two Year Old Boy: I have a two year old son who does not listen. He hits his sister and pulls her hair. He gets angry and lashes out by hitting or throwing what ever object is closest to him. He continues to do everything he knows he is not supposed to it seems just to spite. I know he knows that it is wrong because right before he does something naughty he asks if it is a no no. I have tried time out and after two hours of constant struggle finally gave up. Swatting on the bum does not work either. He looks at me and says "ow" then proceeds to do whatever prompted the spankings. I have no idea what to do next.

This sort of desperation is not uncommon among parents and teachers of very young children. The work can be grueling as they appear to knowingly press your buttons, over and over. Theyre testing you for consistency, not because theyre bad, but because toddlers are little scientists and every experiment must be replicated! What stood out to me in this example, however, was that this parent was working with only two tools spanking and time outs. These are probably the two most common tools for dealing with child behavior, but not necessarily the most effective. Its like trying to run your fix-it shop with two broken hammers. So lets take a moment and talk about these from the get-go.

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1-Spanking: Questions of Abuse and Bad Practice

There are two over-arching premises in opposition to spanking. One is that it can be abusive, and the other is that it is simply bad practice in terms of its effectiveness in teaching children correct behavior. I was spanked on occasion as a child, and I certainly dont think I was abused. But I do know that some people believe they are disciplining their children when they resort to abusive tactics in the name of spanking. When does spanking become hitting? That line can often be so small its nearly invisible. Im not one to say that spanking always constitutes abuse. But I will certainly say that it can. In a statement by the American Academy of Pediatrics, the danger of spankings diminishing returns is explained: Although spanking may immediately reduce or stop an undesired behavior, its effectiveness decreases with subsequent use. The only way to maintain the initial effect of spanking is to systematically increase the intensity with which it is delivered, which can quickly escalate into abuse. Thus, at best, spanking is only effective when used in selective infrequent situations.

But even if you are quite certain you would never spank out of anger, never cross that line into abuse, spanking is simply not good practice. While many will argue as to whether or not the practice is damaging, there is larger agreement that the practice is generally not effective. If youre trying to teach good behavior, can that ever be accomplished by using broken tools? Spanking a child does nothing to teach good behavior. It doesnt build problem-solving skills, or communication skills, or magically instill them with the ability to share. Here are a few messages sent by spanking.
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Hitting is Acceptable Communication. I heard one proponent of spanking say, Sometimes you just need that spankin to get their attention. Do you want your child to get peoples attention by hitting, or by using words, eye-contact, and soft touches? Whichever you choose, be sure your behavior is likewise. Do as I Say, Not as I Do. Weve all seen it. The Grand Pooh-bah of all inconsistencies. Stop hitting your brother! .followed by a smack. How can a child make sense of being hit for hitting? How can an adult say hitting is not allowed, when they themselves will hit? Spanking, particularly for physical aggression, is hypocrisy and will send confusing messages at the very least. Very likely, it will also degrade your position as a trusted adult and mentor. Might Makes Right. For some children, spanking sends the message that its not OK to hit..unless youre bigger/in charge/ a grown up. Consequently, many children will feel justified spanking other children when they are the older one, the bigger one, or simply want to be in charge. This also creates problems as children grow into adolescents. If spanking has been the primary response to misbehavior, the relationship can become combative as parent and child begin to be on equal planes physically. My Love and Protection are Conditional. Particularly for very young children, being struck by an otherwise loving caregiver is very confusing. It may begin to send the message that the child is bad and deserves to be hurt. A Question When you spank, are you truly trying to guide the childs behavior, or are you reacting to your own urges and overpowering anger and frustration?
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Responsibly guiding a child can never be done out of anger. That doesnt mean we dont feel angry, but anger cant be the source of our action. Guidance has to come from love and respect and a desire to shape positive behavior. Not a desire to vent our frustrations, or to punish with pain. Better Tools Many people are skeptic when they hear a parent will not spank. They envision a passive, laissez faire parent with an unruly child as a result. But it isnt a lack of spanking that causes poor behavior. It is the lack of tools. Spanking is a broken tool. But its a tool many people cling to because its the only one they have. Once parents become aware of a full assortment of tools they can use as a replacement to effectively guide child behavior in a positive way, they can be more confident as they lay their broken tools aside.

2-Time-Out!
The other tool that is often misused or overused is time-out. Time-out began as an alternative to corporal punishment, and as such is a great improvement. The problem is that too many people are using it as their only tool, and implementing it at inappropriate times. Or theyre using it in inappropriate ways as in, turning it into a two-hour wrestling match with a 2 year old. Some have likened it to a modern day dunce stooli, seeking to reform through shame and broken will, but doing nothing to teach positive social skills. We have to get away from the idea that were using time-out to punish the child creating a war of wills to demonstrate just exactly who the boss is and use it as an opportunity to coach children towards success in their behavior. Its not the only tool, and its quite often not even the best tool. Lets talk a little about the appropriate ways to use time-out, and later on in this book Ill address some alternatives to time-out.
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Time-Outs are for Coaching Im very happy to let you all know that I won the March Madness bracket competition in my husbands family this year. Now, Im no bracketologist. I tend to make my picks based on which state the team is from, or who has the cooler sounding name, and I like to pick the underdog as much as reason will allow. I missed a lot of picks in my bracket, but the one pick that put me over the rest of the pool was when I chose Duke. That pick I made based on the fact that I knew who their coach was. Coach Mike Krzyzewski (thats not a spelling error) or Coach K as hes referred to (for obvious reasons) is one remarkable man. Hes the winningest active coach in the NCAA. Hes coached Duke to 4 national championships and multiple Final Fours. The team has become a fixture in the tournament. He also coached a struggling United States basketball team to gold in 2008. I knew Coach K was a transformative coach. Great coaches can make all the difference. We as parents act as coaches as we help children prepare for, and navigate, the social world. Practice Makes Perfect Permanent Coaches dont just show up at game time. They must prepare their players. They run their athletes through hours of drills and training so that the skills they need in those critical minutes of play will be a natural response. Likewise, we as parents and teachers can help children practice social skills so that they can become habit. Practice might come in the form of role-playing, practicing scripts for challenging situations, even playing games. We can prepare children for situations before they arise by clearly explaining expectations. (Were going to go to the library. In the library you need to use a soft voice, and make sure your feet are walking.) Whether its a sport or social skills, a big part of coaching takes place before the critical moments. All great coaches know that preparation leads to success.
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Game Time The coach could hope to do such a wonderful job preparing his players that he can just sit back and enjoy the game. However, coaches know that the actual game often presents challenges that are different from those they had prepared for, or that the players get caught up in the intensity and forget their basic skills. Sometimes players need reminders from the sideline. Sometimes, the team gets so off-course, the coach has to pause the game, and have a serious discussion. So he calls a time-out. Parents coach in much the same way. Sometimes we give reminders from the sideline. (Remember to ask if you can have a turn when hes done.) Sometimes we have to call time-out and have a more serious discussion. Time-Out Imagine a coach like Coach K calling a time-out and saying, You guys arent playing very well. Then he just sits all his players down on the bench while he leaves to make a phone call or clean up some spilled popcorn a few rows up. Then, when the 30 seconds allotted for that time-out have expired, he walks back to the team and says, OK, you can go back out now. I want you to play better, alright? Any spectator would say, Hes not doing his job! Too often, the traditional time-out looks much like the ridiculous scenario I just described. We sit a child in Time-Out and somehow expect that the childs behavior will change when she returns to play. Without coaching, the child is returning to play with the exact same set of skills she had when she went into time-out. Or we turn the entire time-out time into a battle of wills where the objective is not to teach social skills, but to teach them to sit and stay. When Coach K calls a time-out, he gives his players a chance to catch their breath and refocus. He gives clear and concise directions and expectations. Then he sends his players back out with a plan.

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When we call for a coaching time-out with children, we do much the same. We first give them a chance to step out of a charged situation, calm down, and refocus. Then we need to teach. We have to be specific and clear as we socially coach children. If we dont say what we need to see, children will have a difficult time making that conceptual leap on their own. In general, I encourage people to verbalize the thought process they would hope the child would follow. It sounds like a long process, and you will often feel like you are stating the obvious. But obvious to an adult is not always obvious to a child. Just like running basic drills, this coaching helps that internal process to become natural. The skeleton of the social coaching process might look like this: Describe what happened, and label feelings involved. Karen, I noticed youre throwing that playdough. I know youre excited, but we cant throw the playdough. Ask/Describe what would be a better choice. When we throw the playdough, it gets smashed into the carpet and ruins the floor and the playdough. Where do you think we should play with the playdough? Yeah, the table is the best place to play with the playdough. If necessary, help the child make retribution. OK Karen, lets get this playdough picked up and back onto the table where it belongs. Remind again about that better choice. Remember to keep the playdough on the table this time. Return the child to play. Believe she can succeed. Be there to support. Basketball coaches are given more than one time-out per game. Similarly, when a child stumbles again socially you might need to call another time-out again and repeat the process. Very young children usually need multiple learning opportunities to create independent skills. However, just as a coach will eventually make adjustments to help his team run more smoothly, if problems continue you may need to redirect. (Karen, weve talked twice about keeping
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the playdough on the table and you are still choosing to throw it. It looks like youre going to need to find another area to play for a while. Lets go build something with the blocks.) Coach K says, Discipline is doing what you are supposed to do in the best possible manner at the time you are supposed to do it. With time, coaching, and practice, we can hope to be transformative coaches as well, and instill that same discipline in the children that we love and teach.

Other Alternatives to the Traditional Time-Out

Some people do actually use time-out in an appropriate way. They dont use it to punish every behavioral mistake. It is used when a child has lost control and needs to move to another area to regain control. In these instances the parent may go with the child to a quiet area to scaffold the cooling off process. Perhaps the child needs to be coached through deep breaths or responds calmly to being held. In some cases the adult simply sits nearby as a steadying influence. When the child regains calm, the adult talks briefly and directly about the behavior, what was unacceptable, and helps the child talk through what would be more appropriate in the future. When the child is ready, she makes appropriate amends and returns to where she was. Some practitioners call this Time-In signifying that sometimes time in a closer proximity to a caring adult is more effective than time alone when a child is trying to gain self-control. Another variation of time-out is giving an area, by whatever name, where a child can choose to go to regain control. A Power Chair, Bench Time, or a Thinking Spot. Whenever a child needs some time to cool down, he can choose to go to this safe place and have some calm and space. You may want to coach him to go there, (It looks like you need some space. Do want to take a break in your pillow pile?) This teaches time out as a skill for future behavior disengaging and regaining control rather than using it as a penalty for unlearned behavior. We all need to learn to keep or regain our cool, and we shouldnt teach children that it is a punishment to find the space to do that.

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Offering a choice and holding children to reasonable consequences may also be better alternatives to time-out. If a child is not behaving appropriately in one situation you may give her a choice of other activities. For example, Sarah, throwing sand can get it in peoples eyes and that hurts. The sand needs to stay by your feet. (Sarah throws sand again.) Sarah, throwing sand can hurt people. I cant let you play here when youre doing something that can hurt people. Would you like to do an art project inside or ride trikes? When you are ready to keep the sand by your feet you are welcome to play here. Sarah may leave to play elsewhere and later return to play appropriately. She has learned what the limits are in the sandbox and has gained a working understanding of what it will take to play there. Rather than getting the generic, Im bad or Im in trouble message of time-out, she gained specific information that will help her in the future (I can only play here when I keep the sand by my feet,). Some view this as a Time Away approach, giving children time away from a specific activity or person and explaining what behavior is required to return. So if you currently use time-out, take a look at how you implement it. Are you using it when another tool might be more effective? Are you simply sending children away to get them out of your hair and avoiding the teachable moment? Are you viewing it as an unpleasant punishment that will lead to deterring future behaviors, expecting children to fill in the gaps for appropriate behavior themselves, or do you actively teach and guide them through their behavioral mishaps? Just a few things to think about! Maybe you should find a good Thinking Spot of your own and mull them over!

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Chapter Four: CARE Enough to Understand the Source

When children present us with their most challenging behaviors, it is easy to fixate on what theyre doing that gets under our skin. We claim the behavior as the source of our frustration: he throws tantrums, she wont listen, they dont share. But change rarely comes by focusing only on the symptoms. We have to care enough to get to the source. Using the acronym CARE can help you do just that. CARE stands for Cause, Action, Reaction, and Expectation. If I really want to get to the root of a behavior, I would do it using these four aspects. Let me walk you through each one.

Sources of Behavior
Some of you are reading that title and thinking, Sources of behavior? That three year-old having a tantrum on the carpet THATS the source of behavior! Now, right from the start, I need to say that I am not implying that we absolve children of all responsibility for their choices. But at the same time, if we can be observant and consider what may be triggering those choices, we can know how to use that moment as a teaching opportunity and take preventative steps in the future as well. Rather than putting a band-aid on each time, we can take a directed approach at stemming future misbehavior.

For No Reason
Just as an example, I recently worked with a group of teachers and one expressed concern over a child who was aggressive and hitting for no reason. Now, it did appear to be for no reason, there was no provocation from the other children. But its difficult for me to accept for no reason as a behavioral description. It seems all you can do for no reason is let the child know the behavior is not appropriate and then give a generic, and often inappropriate punishment (like a naughty chair) that will have little corrective influence, as it was not tied in an authentic way to the source of the behavior. As I probed a bit
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into this particular situation the teachers realized that he usually acted out against one child in particular, and that child was what they called an easy target. Now this little tidbit differentiated the act for me. If the child was aggressive toward children he liked and usually played with, I would say the source of his behavior was a language limitation or social skill need. He was likely trying to enter play and didnt know how and so he hit children to get their attention. For that child, I would say teaching and practicing the words Can I Play would be effective. With one easy target as the primary victim, my inclination would be to say that this child is seeking power. He sees an easy target he knows he can dominate and so he acts out in a way that makes him feel powerful. For that child, I suggested that the teachers find other ways to make the child feel powerful, in an attempt to replace the negative behavior. Perhaps he could have a job-- watering the plants or turning off the lights when they go outside for example. To help with his social skills, maybe he could even have a chance to teach other children (his usual victim in particular) how to do the job. That way he feels powerful in a positive and cooperative way. He is still responsible for his own actions, and when he hits, there still needs to be an appropriate response from his teachers, but by recognizing the source of the behavior, the teachers can teach him to find more positive ways to meet the same need.

Many Causes
Theres no way I could make a list of every source of challenging child behaviors. Some days its because the Buzz Lightyear undies were in the laundry, other days its because somebody dared to look/breathe/talk/or walk the wrong way. But there are a few ways to categorize the typical causes. Here are a few of the most common sources, just to get you thinking and recognizing some of the sources for yourself. Environmental Pay attention to the environmental factors that may contribute to the behavior. Is the furniture type or furniture arrangement encouraging a behavior?
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As an example, when I was working with a group of preschoolers as a large group, the best spot to sit them all down was near their book area. However, it seemed like every time we sat down, several children would run back and forth to the book shelf, finding new books to read. I was frustrated, until I realized, thats the purpose of a book shelf! It is supposed to encourage children to read! So, I attached some Velcro to the top of the bookshelf, and the other side of the Velcro to a pocket chart. Every time we needed to use that area as a large group, I simply covered the shelf with the pocket chart. Now the books were no longer a temptation, and I had a handy pocket chart to help me with our activities! If challenging behaviors tend to occur in the same situations, look at the environment for cues it may be giving your child. Is the book case just screaming Im a ladder! or is that chair nest to your counter whispering Ill tell you how to get to the cookies? Are you unwittingly creating invitations for challenging behaviors? What can be done in your own home environment to discourage the undesired behavior? Do outlets need to be covered? Could furniture be rearranged (this particularly applies to inappropriate climbing, running, or jumping)? What environmental factors in and out of your home maybe challenging or overstimulating to your child (too crowded, noisy, etc.)? Routine Children crave consistency. If you find that a childs undesired behaviors occur when there are changes to your routine, that might be the impetus. A new school, a later naptime, a skipped bath. Children find security in their routines. For some, the smallest change may cause them to feel like their whole world has turned upside down. Transition times are a common spark for behavioral flare-ups. Bed times, separations, and pretty much any time you have to get into the car! Build a routine into your transitions to ease the common resistance. Bedtime may start with a bath or story time, a kiss and hug always come before leaving for school, and each child waits with a book on the bench while Mom gets the keys. Prepare yourself and your children for these transitions to ease the way for both of you.
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Wait times within a routine are notorious for triggering misbehavior. Limit waiting and look ahead for potential wait times and be sure to fill them with appropriate activities (books, songs, etc.). Additionally, examine your routine to be sure that the behavioral expectations you place on your children are appropriate to their ages and developmental levels. The Big People We, as parents, play a role in childrens behavior as well. We need to be sure that we have a positive attitude and communicate love and respect in our tone, our words, and our actions. We can use all the right words, but if we dont feel it and believe it, our children will hear the truth in our voices. Family factors have a huge impact on children. Divorce and death are obvious family stressors on a child, but so is the addition of a new sibling, or even a new pet! When a child moves, that will clearly cause stress as well, but so will the relocation of a grandparent or friend who used to live nearby. As children enter school or have babysitters, the relationships they build with those adults will grow and change and have a big influence on them as well. We cant always control the factors that will affect our children. They will inevitably be influenced by the choices of others. But we can be aware of those changes and their potential effects. Likewise, as parents, teachers, and caregivers we have a partnership. We cant control the other partner, but we can communicate and educate and work effectively as a team. The Little People Last of all, but certainly not least of all, we must consider aspects of the child, unique traits, temperaments, and needs that may influence behavior. Each person is unique, and so again, I couldnt enumerate every trait and need right here even if I wanted to, but I can highlight some of the most frequent triggers here and help you to recognize others as they arise.

Temperament. Each person has different preferences and thresholds for annoyances. Temperament comes in a wide spectrum, but as I work with the Childrens Center, we teach a quick categorization of temperament is
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Flexible, Fearful, and Feisty. I happen to have all three in my boys. One is easy-going, another is a bit anxious and sensitive, and another is a robust button-pusher. Now thats not to say that my fearful son isnt also frequently flexible, or that my flexible son never throws a fit, but it does help me to recognize what their natural fall-back pattern might be. When we recognize a childs temperament, it helps us to know how to support and give guidance adequately. It helps us to recognize that fair does not mean that we treat everyone the same way. We tailor responses to meet their needs and personalities. For example, you may need to warn fearful children before operating a loud appliance, like a blender, giving them time to find a quiet spot or cover their ears. Where one child may not need this support, another may become very upset without it. Physical Needs. Some obvious triggers in this category would be the need for movement, need for food, need for sleep. When we can be aware of these needs and meet them, children are less likely to rely on other behaviors to get their needs met. Verbal Ability. A child needs to be able to communicate and to be understood. Thats a tall order for some of our young ones. For many, their emotions, desires, and ideas far exceed their ability to communicate. This frustration can lead to aggression as a compensatory action. Level of Social Skill. Behavior may be an indicator of a lack of social skills that need to be taught and developed. We have to ask ourselves if the child has been taught proper behavior, as well as whether or not that desired behavior is appropriate to the childs age. Need for Power. We all like to have control. For young children that craving is intense. They want to be independent, but are still developing the skills that allow that independence. Some children are so desperate for power that they act out, just because they feel a sense of control by being able to cause your predictable reaction. Others simply melt down when they feel that they have been robbed of power, either by not having been given choices, having something taken away, or not being able to accomplish something independently.

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Need for Attention. For many children negative attention beats no attention. Theyll act out in an effort to get you near them, or to get you or other children to notice them. They want the validation of knowing that they have been heard.

Taking the time to discern the cause of behavior allows us to address the behavior in a more effective way, rather than simply reacting to the visible action. Try this analogy: Like anyone else, I tend to get headaches from time to time. This is the action, the symptom. I can treat that headache with some ibuprofen, and the problem may be solved for a while. But if the headaches continue, I need to find out what is causing them so that I can treat them more effectively. If my headache stems from chronic dehydration, I need to drink more water. If its from my overindulgence in chocolate (it happens from time to time), then I need to consciously cut back there. If Ive only been functioning on four hours of sleep for each of the past three days, a nap may be in order. If I continue to ignore the actual source and continue to only treat the symptom, my health could be in real danger. We owe it to our children to do the same with their behavior. If we simply treat the symptom, the behavior, with a generic treatment like time-out, we may be putting their moral and personal growth and development in real danger. We need to take the time to get to the source of the behavior to be able to effectively meet our childrens needs.

A Little Detective Work

I grew up watching Perry Mason during my fathers lunch break and Murder She Wrote on Sunday nights. It was always a race to put together all the pieces and parts to solve the puzzle before the protagonist (or anyone in my family). Sometimes a story that seemed to point one direction would suddenly take a turn on one tiny detail and immediately the whole picture became clear. It was the missing button, or the time stamp at the bottom of a receipt, or the flashlight with no batteries. Inconsequential things in and of themselves, but when put in the context of the other information, they brought the full story to light.
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Sometimes the sources of our childs misbehavior is staring us right in the face. Hes obviously exhausted because he got up at 5:30 this morning, or shes having a meltdown because she wants a toy I wont buy and shes just frustrated. But sometimes we can not, for the life of our sanity, figure out what could be motivating our childs maddening behavior. Hes never been a biter and now hes bitten his brother twice! Shes usually so cheerful but now shes crying every morning. When we have a hard time figuring out the source of the behavior, it can help to take a look at all the other little pieces of the puzzle to see if they help create a clearer picture. Just like a detective uses that cool little notebook to track the clues, you can jot down some clues to help you understand your childs behavior. To organize these pieces, I created the CARE system, along with a form that can be found at the end of the chapter, or downloaded here. Here are the parts:

Cause
While the cause is the first thing listed the antecedent to the action it is sometimes the last thing we can decipher. If youre filling out a CARE form, you may need to start with a question mark in that category and move on to the others. Often, it is the process of filling out the other aspects that causes you to uncover the root cause.

Actions
This is where we usually fixate, but it is really the simplest part of the equation. What is the behavior? The answer is purely objective. Avoid inserting interpretations and simply describe the facts.

Reaction
Next comes the reaction. This is another objective aspect. What happened next? How did the child react? How did the other people involved react? How did you react? Particularly when a behavior is repetitive, the payoff often comes from the reaction. Whether it is a playmates scream or a parents bribe, the
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reaction may be the reinforcement. This can give you some insight into what is feeding the behavior.

Expectations
Challenging behaviors are only challenging within the context of relationships. We each have our own systems and expectations and when those clash with each other, we find ourselves having problems. We insist on a healthy dinner before treats, and our child asserts that suckers are dinner. Our expectations are different. It is important to account for the interplay of expectations because that is where the conflict really lies. Depending upon expectations, two different parents may see the same behavior and one call it challenging and the other call it normal. We can take a look at this relational factor by examining the childs expectations (what we interpret they are communicating or trying to accomplish), as well as our own expectations. As we consider what the childs expectations are, we can find ways to teach them to get what they desire in a more appropriate way. We can also look at what we expect of them so that we can first check to see if our expectations are developmentally appropriate, and also clearly define what skill or behavior needs to be taught and encouraged.

Lets look at how this applies to specific scenarios.

First Scenario: Emily is frequently stubborn and openly defiant. You observe her and fill out your CARE sheet this way: C: Need for power A: Emily was told to put on her shoes and she responded with No! I dont want to! She sat with arms folded, staring at her mom. R: Mom forced Emilys shoes on to her feet which Emily responded to by throwing a fit. E: Mom expects Emily to comply. Emily expects to call her own shots.
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Once youve collected the information, and considered that Emilys needs and expectation are for power, you can make a more informed decision about how to address future situations. If Mom needs compliance but Emily needs power, give Emily fair warning before the transition, and then allow her to make some of the choices. Rather than put on your shoes, the child seeking power may respond better to, We need to leave in five minutes. Do you want to wear these shoes or those shoes? Heres another scenario: Tommy consistently struggles with sharing and frequently takes toys from others. An observation may look like this: C: Hmmm. Lets put a question mark here for now. Why isnt he sharing? Lets look at the rest of the picture and see if that helps. A: Tommys sister is playing with a toy dog. Tommy walks up and pulls the dog from her without saying anything and begins playing with it in another part of the room. R: Tommys sister screamed. Dad returned the dog and helped Tommy choose a new toy. E: Dad expects Tommy to take turns and share. Tommy expected to keep the toy. So we look at the situation again, and question ourselves about the cause. The most effective response will only come if we address the right cause. In situations like this, my first guess is usually that the child hasnt been taught how to share or negotiate. So I might start off by coaching Tommy through a script for sharing or teach him how to negotiate a trade. However, if after a series of observations, we find that Tommy always takes toys away from the same child, or always from smaller or younger children, particularly if hes been taught proper social skills and has shown that he can use them in other situations, Tommy may be seeking a feeling of power. I would recommend giving Tommy opportunities to feel positive power by giving him jobs and responsibilities, asking him to help you and others (particularly the
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usual targets) and commending him for his helpfulness, and emphasizing that big kids know how important it is to share or now that youre four, youre getting really good at taking turns with your friends. You may not always need a CARE form to analyze behavior. Sometimes the smoking gun is right in front of your face. Or it may just be that you consider the four aspects mentally and can quickly zero in on where the source of the problem lies. But if the same baffling behavior is recurring, it may be helpful to jot down some details over a few instances and then look for patterns. When we care enough to take the time to really consider what challenging behavior is all about, we can learn to recognize how to best help children overcome it.

Guidance, Not an Excuse

Again, I dont point out these behavior sources as an excuse for inappropriate behavior. I dont want you saying, Oh, its just too crowded in here. Thats why Jimmy pushed. And go on with your day. I point out the sources so that you can teach Jimmy how to appropriately handle the situation in the future. Without recognizing the source, all you can say is, Pushing is not OK, Jimmy, which doesnt give Jimmy any instruction for handling a similar subsequent experience. When you recognize that Jimmy pushes when he feels crowded, you can give him tools, such as teaching him the phrase, Excuse me, I need more space, or helping him to find a quiet spot, or even being able to verbalize to you, I feel crowded. We can also pre-empt a potentially difficult experience by saying, Jimmy, this room will be a little crowded. If you start to feel uncomfortable, you let me know and well find a quiet place. Once we know the behaviors source we can choose appropriate preventative actions and thoughtful reactions for that particular source. Wouldnt you know, thats the topic of the next section!

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CARE

Child:

Date:

Cause: What is the motivation or source of behavior?

Action: Describe the behavior in an objective way.

Reaction: What reactions can you observe from all those affected?

Expectations: What did the child expect would happen? What behavior do you expect from the child?

::: Look for patterns over time to help fill in the missing pieces. :::

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Chapter Five: Newtons LawSort of

Back in your junior high science class, you probably learned about that guy Newton, who about 300 years ago explained the laws of physics that govern motion. As Im sure you remember, he postulated that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. When you push against a wall, the energy of your action is transmitted in the reaction. If youre pushing against a closed door in your house, you can feel the pressure in your hand. Thats the energy of the reaction. If youre pushing against an open door, the energy is transferred to the door, which, as a reaction, moves until it shuts. The science of physics is nice and clear-cut. The door doesnt get to think about whether or not it wants to close, it simply reacts to your action. The science of human relationships is not quite so predictable. To continue to use the door metaphor, you may press against that door, and not know whether you will get the door to move as you had hoped, or simply the tension and pressure of a closed, fixed door. A simple request for your children to put on their pajamas may send one skipping to the bedroom and another sprawled out, flailing on the floor, lamenting all the cruelties and injustices of his young life. Where physics and humanity retain their similarity is in the fact that both motion and relationships rely upon the interplay of actions and reactions. In physics, the reactions are bound by scientific laws. Human reactions are influenced by emotion, circumstance, environment, and relationships. The trouble is, too many people are going through life as though they have the same reactive power as a door. Things happen and they instantly react. Others try to go through life doing all the pushing, and cant understand why so many doors feel closed, never moving and only building tension. Perhaps thats enough with the door metaphor. Heres a story my fatherin-law has often told me, from when he was teaching a parenting class years ago. A mother lamented that every day her son would come home from school, slam the door shut, throw his books on the counter, and the two would begin arguing. She described the scene as a victim, one who could only react to her sons
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actions. My father-in-law asked what she thought would happen if she met her son at the door. Well, he couldnt really slam it could he? What if on the counter there were cookies? There wouldnt be a spot to throw his books anymore. What if instead of arguing, she chose to sit down, share a snack, and talk about how his day was? It sounds too idyllic to some, but the mother tried it, and it worked! It wasnt necessarily about the fresh cookies or the door, but it was about recognizing her power to take action instead of play the victim. What Im getting at is, when it comes to your childs behavior, do you recognize the opportunities you have to take preventative actions, and respond with thoughtful purposeful reactions? Im not a physicist, I dont have a powdered wig, and I cant read or write in Latin, but I took a little liberty with Newtons third law to create a maxim more applicable to my life as a parent.

For every childs action, there can be a thoughtful and purposeful reaction. AND A preventative action may precede and even alter each childs reaction.

Preventative Actions and Thoughtful Reactions

As I mentioned before, we have to let go of the notion that we as adults need to control childrens behavior, and instead put the focus on helping them build their own self-control. Dont make it about you! It is their behavior, you are their guide.
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There are some things we can control within each situation however. Among them, are the preventative actions we can take before a negative situation ever arises, as well as the thoughtful reactions we can have to that behavior.

Preventative Actions
When I talk about preventative actions, I am not implying that we need to remove all challenges from the lives of our children. As Ive mentioned before, it is not our job to keep them from all conflict and disappointment, it is to teach them how to appropriately deal with those situations. If we create a preternaturally utopian situation for our children, where nothing is challenging, they will not build the necessary coping skills for real life. What I am implying is that a person can only take so much. Weve all had those days where we feel crushed under a dog pile of little things. That threshold for so much is even less for our little ones. If we can take care to avoid meltdowns that could be preventable, our children are more likely to have the reserves to deal with other challenges that will inevitably happen. Meet Their Needs. I mentioned in the earlier section, that a lot of undesired behaviors occur because a childs need has not been met. It is logical then, that paying attention to meeting those needs will prevent such behaviors. Physical needs are an obvious one. We all make sure our little ones have enough food and rest before any taxing activity. What parent or teacher doesnt have a stash of snacks somewhere, just in case the natives become restless? Different children may have other needs. For example, thrill seekers may have a need for more rough and tumble play within safe boundaries to fill their need for excitement, in place of other unsafe sources. Avoid the Power Grab. The same applies for the need for power. When we build up the childs stockpile of power and success, she becomes less compelled to take that power forcefully, through aggression or a meltdown. We build a childs sense of power by giving appropriate choices and responsibilities and providing opportunities for success. Sensory activities and open-ended art
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activities are both great for building successful experiences as there is no wrong way to participate in these tasks. Working within a childs growing ability level (or ZPD) also helps build success and limit undue frustration. Prepare. We can help a child succeed in any given situation by preparing them ahead of time. We can clearly explain our expectations particularly right before the experience happens. (Were going to visit Chloes new baby brother. Hes brand new and tiny, so we need to keep our voices and bodies soft and quiet.) We can also help children who have limited language abilities or social skills by giving them social scripts to help them when those specific social situations arise. As Ill discuss later, I am a big believer in teaching social skills directly and then coaching children through authentic social experiences as they arise during play. Build Relationships. Another proactive step we can take is to build positive relationships with our children based on trust and respect. They need to know that they are loved just for being, not just for being good. When we make the time to give them our attention, they will feel less driven to gain attention through negative means. Reduce Temptations. Check the childs surroundings. Have you inadvertently created a temptation? A hot pan of cookies on the counter right next to a stool is just begging for someone to touch it. Markers left out near a blank wall might find a safer home near a stack of paper. We shouldnt prevent children from ever making a bad choice (in fact, we really couldnt even if we wanted to) but some temptations are just too much to bear. We shouldnt set children up for failure.

Thoughtful Reactions
We can also control how we react to a childs chosen behavior. Rather than presenting an angry, rash reaction, we want to have thoughtful reactions that serve to teach and guide the childs behavior, not just vent our irritation. Remember that your reaction to an undesired behavior is modeling to that child how to deal with frustration and maintain self-control.
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Immediacy. Make your reaction as immediate as possible so that the child can still connect your reaction to his action. If you wait too long, the child will not likely remember what brought on your response. Find the Calm Together. The biggest thing to keep in mind is that you can not effectively teach, and a child can not effectively learn if either of you is still too upset. It helps to remember that the childs behavior is not about you. It is about a young child trying to gain self-control. Mistakes are going to happen along the way to learning that skill. Patience comes from understanding. Taking deep breaths is a great way to calm down. As you show the child how to do it, you will likely find yourself calmer as well. Another method I like to use for a child that needs to calm down is the trick candle. Holding my hand in a fist with my thumb up, I tell the child that I have a candle she needs to blow out. I may wiggle the flame a bit, and encourage her to blow harder. With a hard enough blow, the flame goes out.only to pop up again and again. This technique helps the child take a few deep breaths and usually gets a laugh as well. Some children are soothed by physical touch, while others need space. Some want to be still while others require movement to work out their feelings. Help each child to find what works for her and talk about that technique so that she can do it on her own when its needed in the future. Constructive Talk. Once youre both calm, you can explicitly explain what was unacceptable about the childs behavior and give appropriate alternatives and clear limits. While talking about the behavior, it is important to validate the emotion, in spite of the action. (Its OK to feel angry, but its not OK to hit people. You can hit this pillow if that makes you feel better.) Feeling angry or sad or frustrated isnt wrong. Weve felt all of those emotions ourselves. To be successful, children just need to learn how to appropriately handle those emotions.

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Part Two: Inside the Toolbox

It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. - Frederick Douglass

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Chapter Six: The Tools

The next ten sections outline some of the tools you can use to practice positive guidance in your home. The list progresses from proactive steps you can take to create a positive environment and teach social skills and emotional regulation in an effort to head off those difficult situations, to more responsive tools that you would use to address difficult behaviors as they arise. This is in no way an exhaustive list of the tools you can use to guide your children. There are many tools we use as parents. This is simply a list of common and effective tools for positive guidance that I find most useful in addressing difficult behaviors in young children. You may already be using many of them yourself. The key is to understand them and be aware of them, so that you can use them intentionally. Here are the ten tools:

Tool #1: Proactively Teach Social Skills Tool #2: Encourage and Reinforce Positive Behaviors Tool #3: Say What You Need to See Tool #4: Learn to Laugh Tool #5: Use the Enchanting World of Stories Tool #6: Validate and Label Emotions Tool #7: Teach Active Problem Solving Tool #8: Redirect Tool #9: Offer Choices and Consequences Tool #10: Disengage

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Tool #1: Proactively Teach Social Skills

We would never assume that a child would suddenly start reading or tying his own shoes simply because he had turned six, and yet we often assume children will acquire social skills as a natural part of growing up. Youve heard it before (sometimes out of your own mouth), You are four years old now. You should be old enough to take turns. The truth is, social skills are learned and we, as parents, have to be willing to play an active and conscientious role in that development.

Be a Role Model
Former NBA player, Charles Barkley is notorious for saying I am not a role model. While this created an interesting ad campaign, and was based on good intentions (implying parents should be a childs primary role models, not athletes) his statement is still a bit flawed. (Sorry, Chuck.) The truth is, any adult in view of a child, is to some degree a role model. I mean, break down the word. A role model is someone who demonstrates how a role is filled. They are modeling behavior. This is contingent upon a child being able to observe you, not upon your willingness or objection to being considered such. Children are watching all around them and picking up cues on how to navigate social situations. They are looking for social behavior to emulate as references for navigating their own social situations. They watch the clerk at the grocery store and file that away in the How to Be the Clerk part of their brains. They observe the bus driver as an example of how to fill the bus driver role. They see their grandparents filling the grandparent role. And yes, back in the day, children even watched Charles Barkley and filed him into a role as well. As they watch adult behavior, children are picking up cues for social behavior, social roles, and social speech. They note how Mom takes care of Sister Sue, and next thing you know, theyre imitating that with a doll in a dramatic play situation, internalizing and making sense of what theyve observed. As the observations are refined and assimilated, parts begin to appear
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in their own behavior, even outside of play situations. As parents and teachers, weve probably all had the experience of hearing one of our children lecture another child, a doll, or even ourselves, using the same tone and words (though sometimes in exaggerated caricature) that we have used ourselves. They are constantly looking to adults and even peers for social examples. Its a simple truth for better or for worse.

Lets talk about the better part.

One part Sir Charles did get right is that loving relationships can increase the potency of a role models influence. Parents and teachers can be extremely influential role models. As we become cognizant of this, we can use our examples to shape and scaffold positive social behavior in the children we love and teach. Heres an example. I was training a group of teachers recently, when one shared that she had spilled some milk during snack time with the children earlier that day. She said the children were absolutely astonished! Teacher! You spilled the milk! Their response displayed utter disequilibrium. First of all, teachers are perfect, and dont spill, right? And secondly, this teacher was completely and perfectly calm about it. Another confusing response in the view a young child who might panic or have a meltdown during such a calamity. This teacher simply calmly said, I did spill the milk. Teachers make mistakes too. How do you think we could clean it up? A simple incident, but a huge learning tool as well. Through her mindful, positive modeling, this teacher taught: 1) Its OK to make mistakes. 2) You can stay calm when youre disappointed. 3) We can fix our problems. 4) Because of observing 1-3 with this teacher, a child knows its safe to take a risk with this teacher; risks that are necessary for learning. If you are working with a difficult behavior in a child, be sure to model the behavior you would like to see. For example, if the child is having tantrums, model being very calm. Particularly when the child is having a meltdown! If the child is being aggressive, be sure you are not responding with aggression yourself. If you want your children to look at people when they are speaking, avoid talking over your shoulder as you dart around the room. If you

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have a shouter, model using a soft voice. Get down and play with your children, modeling good social skills like turn-taking and positive scripts for sharing toys. Take note of your own behavior. Is it being reflected in the children you love and teach? Is it behavior you would want reflected? As one test, imagine if a child spoke to you the way you speak to him or around him. How would you feel? If youre uncomfortable, reconsider your own behavior. Think also of the challenging behaviors youre trying to modify in a child. Can you teach through modeling, either explicitly (as in role playing) or implicitly in your every day encounters with the child? Ralph Waldo Emerson is quoted as saying, Your actions speak so loudly that I cannot hear what you say. This is so true with young children. Their language centers are still developing, so some of what we say may not always get through. But they are also keen observers; what we do will almost always be noted. These little ones can be like mirrors in a fun house. We see our own motions and actions but in another form in front of us. Make sure your own behavior is such that you would be OK seeing it again in the children around you!

Have a Lesson Plan

Im a big believer in teaching social skills directly. Taking the opportunity to teach social skills outside of emotionally charged moments helps children process things more logically and prepares them for the challenges ahead. You can do this in a variety of ways to be sure that youre teaching the skills your children need to be socially successful. Teach Social Scripts. Think through the simplest way for your child to verbally communicate their social needs. This might be Can I have a turn after you, please? or Excuse me, or Thank you. As you discuss the social concepts around the scripts (its not polite to take toys away, push people, or be ungrateful) you can connect them with a consistent phrase that can then be practiced. Later on, as real-life situations arise, you can refer back to these simple phrases to remind your child of your discussion.
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 Role Play. Act out difficult social situations yourselves, or use puppets or toys to represent the characters in the story. Involve your child in the problem-solving process as an objective observer of a moral dilemma. Help them to see both sides of the situation. Then talk about ways to connect the situation to real life. For example, if you find your child is constantly interrupting you, have two people talk to your child at the same time. Ask if he was able to understand what both people were saying. Then agree on an appropriate way to get attention or a signal that you can give him to let him know that you will get to him when its his turn. (Some parents put a finger up, hold the childs hand, or put a hand on their childs shoulder until they are ready to give their attention.) Role play again and have your child use the signal. Then trade roles so that your child knows the procedure from both sides. Play Games. Create games that teach social skills. This can be as simple as requiring that everyone works together, has to take turns, or use a social script to proceed. Anyone heard of the game Mother May I? I have a feeling somebodys mom wanted to teach the appropriate way to politely ask for permission. As you teach social skills try to keep it relevant, simple, and playful. Use a cheerful tone, rather than diving into a preachy lecture or your session may become a power struggle and eventually backfire! Remind yourself that children dont come to us with a full set of social skills. But the good news is they do come to us. And with our help, they will start on that path to social grace.

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Tool #2: Encourage and Reinforce Positive Behaviors

Encouragement
Using encouragement as a tool to promote appropriate behavior in children seems to be pretty simple. But there are a few things to be mindful of. Encouragement vs. Judgment First of all, there is a difference between encouragement and praise, which often comes in the form of judgment. Let me give you an example. Mary has spent the last 20 minutes in deep concentration as she completes a puzzle that is very complicated for her age. Here are the two different styles of response. Encouragement: You spent a long time on that puzzle, and now its all finished! How do you feel about that? Was it hard? Praise: Good Job! Heres another. Jaime has just learned how to pump on a swing all on his own. Encouragement: Jaime! You are doing the pumping all on your own! Look how high youre going! Your muscles must be getting so strong! Praise: Way to go! Now youll notice that in these two situations, the statements of encouragement are very specific in describing the behavior. The statements of praise are so vague, theyre actually interchangeable. That is the first problem with praise, a lack of specificity. Be Specific Encouragement should describe the behavior or action you want to promote. When you simply say, Good Job! the child has few ways of knowing what action in the last 5 minutes you are referring to. Now, Im not saying that Good Job! should forever be stricken from our lexicon, but I do think its used too often and any phrase that is over-used loses its meaning. Children begin to notice when you simply respond to everything with a generic phrase of praise. Instead, whenever your preferred statement of praise slips out, follow it up with a

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more specific form of encouragement. Let your generic statement become your buzzer reminding you to be descriptive. Avoid Judgment Heres another scenario for you. Lupita has come to you with a painting. Think about these two responses. Praise: Wow, Lupita! This painting is amazing! Its so beautiful! Encouragement: Oh Lupita, thank you for showing me your painting! I see you used red, and yellow, and a very bright green over here. Will you tell me about your painting? First of all, Lupita may have simply been cleaning off the brushes and bringing you the paper to throw away. When she hears you react with such statements of praise, she begins to doubt the sincerity of your other responses as well. Asking for her input clarifies some of her motivation and shows more sincere interest. Secondly, the statement of praise judges the painting, communicating to Lupita that your opinion is what matters in valuing her work. Responding with encouragement not only communicates to Lupita that you value her work, but that you value her opinion as well. Ask Them Just as in the above example, asking children how they feel about their behavior or work gives you more insight as to their intentions and thoughts. Likewise, it encourages internal monitoring, rather than teaching children that as long as it gets past you its OK. You may compliment a child on his behavior in one situation, when asking him to evaluate his own behavior may reveal that he was covertly pestering the child next to him all along. Simply praising without these details merely reinforces the negative behavior. Read the quote at the end of this chapter. (Go ahead. Ill wait for you.) Simply asking children to tell you about their projects, their efforts, or their experiences tells them more about your sincere interest in them as people and encourages them far more than a passive, generic statement like, Nice Work ever could.

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Recognize Effort and Progress, Not Just the End Product Statements of encouragement buoy up children all along the way, and are not reserved simply for recognizing a successful end result. For example, It takes a lot of practice to cut with those scissors. It seemed to be easier for you this time! or You spent a long time building with those blocks! or You remembered almost every word to that song! If you really think about it, success is the result of hard work and effort. So encourage that effort and recognize the progress along the way. Listen to the way to speak with your children. Do you encourage them or do you use praise as judgment? When you catch yourself using praise insincerely or judgmentally, rephrase and add some sincere encouragement. See if it changes your relationship with the children you love and teach.

Reinforcement
When you hear the word Reinforcement in association with child behavior, you probably think about sticker charts and prizes. And youd be right..and wrong. Reinforcement is anything that increases and encourages any particular behavior. Just as a seamstress can reinforce a seam, or a general can reinforce the troops, reinforcement makes things stronger. In the case of behavior, reinforcement makes a behavior stronger, more likely to occur, and perhaps even become a habit. External and Internal Motivators First we must make a differentiation in terms. External motivators are those incentives that motivate behavior based on sources outside of the childs own monitoring system. They behave in a certain way to please another person (parents, teachers, etc.), and/or to earn a reward that is not necessarily relevant to the behavior (candy, stickers, etc.). This kind of motivation usually is not transferrable to other situations. It is limited by the presence of the external reward. The behavior becomes based on the reward, not on the principle. Internal motivators, on the other hand, are related to the childs own selfregulation. When children begin to behave in a certain way because they desire
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the natural outcome, or because they recognize and value the purpose of the rule, that behavior becomes more permanent and transfers between situations. For example, when Amelia realizes that she has more fun when she plays with her sister without fighting, she is likely to carry over that realization when she plays with her friends as well. Conversely, if Amelias mother is giving her sticker rewards for playing nicely with her sister, she has no reason to play nicely with her friends. Reinforcement can come in the form of sticker charts and prizes, but these external motivators tend to be effective in the short run, garnering results only as long as the prizes are available and novel. They generally do little to change a childs sense of self-control, intrinsic motivation, or long-term habits. As I mentioned earlier, external motivation may also come in the form of praise. Now, while I am not saying that these forms of external motivation should never, ever, ever be used, I am saying that they are frequently misused and certainly overused. We should do more to build the childs ability to self-regulate. In With the Good Positive behaviors can be reinforced in a variety of ways. It may be through verbal encouragement. Rather than simply using our words as an external motivator (I love it when you clean your room!), we can encourage by calling their attention to the observable positive aspects of their own behavior (Wow! You cleaned your room! How do you think it looks? It must be so much easier to find all your things when theyre picked up like this! And your favorite books are much safer here on the shelf than they were on the floor.). Sometimes, behavior is reinforced by allowing positive logical or natural consequences to take place. (Well be discussing and differentiating between the two in a future chapter.) When a child gets ready for bed quickly, there may be enough time for an extra bedtime story. If a child uses Legos on the table as you have asked, her structures are easily protected from the destructive clutches of her younger brother and loose pieces dont end up in the vacuum. Whether planned or unplanned, these consequences will likely serve to reinforce behavior.
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Out With the Bad Positive behaviors are not the only actions that can be reinforced. We may also unwittingly reinforce negative behaviors as well. Whenever our words, actions, or other consequences provide a desired net effect for the child, their behavior has been reinforced. Heres an example. Bennett is a button-pusher. He loves to get a rise out of people. He starts making a pig noise while youre reading a story with him. Now you may politely ask Bennett to stop making the sound, but if he continues and its really not bothering anyone (well, anyone but you!) you may choose to simply ignore it - especially if you think that Bennett is simply trying to get attention. In that scenario, continuing to give Bennett attention merely serves to reinforce that undesirable piggy behavior. Ignoring is a good way to avoid reinforcing attention-getting behaviors. Now, not all behaviors can be ignored. You have to use your judgment on that one. Basically, any behavior that is simply annoying or clearly being used as an attention-getting device, without harm to person or property, can be ignored. Im not suggesting that you ignore the child, simply the behavior. In fact, giving attention to the child for other reasons, or drawing attention to other aspects of his behavior the instant he does something positive (Bennett, you knew exactly when to turn that page!) actually serves to reinforce the absence of the annoying behavior, and meets the need for attention without reinforcing the undesired behavior. So pay extra attention and determine whether you are reinforcing positive behavior with external or internal motivators, and whether or not you are unintentionally reinforcing negative behaviors.

Taking an interest in what others are thinking and doing is often a much more powerful form of encouragement than praise. -Robert Martin

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Tool #3: Say What You Need to See

Have you ever told a child not to do something, only to have them do that very thing one second later? Infuriating, isnt it? The child, it seems, is being belligerent and willfully disobedient. But things arent always as they appear. You see, children are very suggestible. Once they have a mental image of a behavior, they are very likely to try it out. That mental image may come from something they saw on TV, read in a book, or that we have described to them with our words. Our words create a mental picture for them, and we want that picture to be of what they should do, not of what they should not do. When we say something like, Dont hit your sister! the image created is still of that child hitting her sister. Our verbal directions need to describe what we want to see, creating that mental picture that we want the child to follow. Additionally, when our message and the image it creates only conveys what they should not do, even if they understand that, they are at a loss as to what they should do. They may stop hitting their neighbors only to start pinching them instead. They are being obedient.arent they? Redirecting and giving gentle reminders helps them to know what they should do. If you dont want them hitting or punching their neighbors, describe how you would like them to sit, or suggest they find a toy they think their neighbor might like to play with. Whatever behavior you would like to see in the negative behaviors place, you need to suggest it in a clearly descriptive way. Using gerunds (verbs ending in -ing) has been found to be particularly helpful as it creates an active, present image for the child to follow. (Were walking inside. Were sitting nicely by our friends with our hands in our laps.) Heres a bit of information I share as part of the training I do with The Childrens Center. It comes from research a little ways back, but I still find it so interesting. Heres an excerpt from Soft Words Speak Louder with Kids by Richard Camer:

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Researchers at Wayne State University tested how well 36 kids, half between 3 and 4 years old and half between 5 and 6 years old, listened to what they were told to do. Half the commands were positive (for example, Clap your hands!), and half were negative (Dont touch your toes!). The commands were made in a soft, medium or loud voice. When the adults spoke softly, both groups of kids obeyed without much hesitation. But when the researchers raised their voices, a curious difference emerged: The 5 and 6 year olds were likely to comply, while the 3 and 4 year olds did exactly what they were told not to do. Previous studies have shown that children younger than 5 respond first to the physical energy of instructions and then to the meaning. The researchers, led by psychologist Eli Saltz, suggest in Developmental Psychology (Vol. 19, No. 3) that in the case of negative commands, a loud dont merely calls a youngsters attention to what follows in the command. Having been alerted, the child then simply follows the second part of the command. (Taken from Psychology Today/ December 1983)

So with that research in mind, (in addition to recognizing the influence of the tone of voice) lets consider what we frequently say, versus what young children actually hear. If the initial negative word simply serves to call attention to the rest of the message, this is what we get: Dont throw blocks! = Hey you! Throw blocks! Dont run inside! = Hi there! Yes, you! Run inside!
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This may seem hard to believe, but think of it from the perspective of a language learner. Most of us have studied another language to some degree at some point in our lives. And I think we can all relate to being in that position where someone is speaking to us in that foreign language, and we have a general idea of what theyre saying, but were just a bit hazy on the specifics. It would be very easy for us to miss a dont or a stop and only understand the action part of the command. Young children are in a similar position. They are relatively new at using and understanding the subtleties of language. When one word changes the meaning of an entire sentence (i.e. Dont chew on the puzzle. Chew on the puzzle.) that tiny difference can be a bit hard to catch. Heres an example. A friend of mine has a two and a half year old, Eddie*, who loves his many blankets. Well, one night he was having a hard time staying in his room, so his mom told him, If you come out of your room again, Im going to have to keep all your blankets. Well, not too much later, out marches Eddie with his blankets in hand, handing them over to his mom. Overt defiance? Not impossible. But what is more likely is that his limited 30 month old language center heard, If you come out again, bring me your blankets. He may have actually been acting in compliance with what he understood his mom to be saying!
(*Name has been changed to protect the precocious, yet innocent.)

Is No a No-No?
Now, Im not suggesting that children should never hear the word no, nor would I imply that you never tell a child his behavior is inappropriate. A quick No! or Stop! can be necessary, especially in moments where safety is a concern and you need a quick response. If you overuse these phrases, however, they lose their meaning and urgency, and will not get you that quick response. In more everyday situations, you may need to use a corrective negative phrase (It is not OK to hit.), to make it clear that a behavior is inappropriate, but that correction needs to be followed with a positive description of the behavior you would like to see. Simply stating what a child is doing wrong will do very little to correct behavior.
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Lastly, for the very minor infractions, those nagging habits like being mildly disruptive at circle time or using a voice thats just a bit too loud at the library, we dont always need to beat the child down with a correction. Simply using a positive phrase to gently remind or coach the child through the situation will go much further. (Were whispering in the library.) So pay attention as you correct and guide the children you love and teach. Try to use your words to create a positive visual image of what you want them to do. Remember that these positive phrases are just as valuable as proactive guidance before entering a situation (Were going to story time at the library! Do you remember how to show good listening at story time?) as they are as reactive correction.

Positive Statements
:: Read these scenarios and rewrite the statements to reflect a positive request. Example: Scenario: Molly is throwing playdough on the floor. Negative Statement: Stop throwing the playdough! Positive Statement: Molly, the playdough needs to stay on your tray. Scenario: You are reading a story with Trevor when he begins spitting at you. Negative Statement: Dont spit! Positive Statement:______________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ Scenario: Lisa and Levi are pinching each other in the back seat of the car. Negative Statement: Quit pinching each other! Positive Statement:______________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ Scenario: Ryan is walking on books that he left on the floor. Negative Statement: No walking on books! Positive Statement:_______________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

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Tool #4: Learn to Laugh

Often what is needed to head off a full-blown melt-down is just a little humor to lighten things up and regain perspective. Let me give you an example. Recently, I had spent a full day washing every dirty article of clothing in our house. A small feat in itself. I hadnt, however, folded any of it yet. So at the end of the day, I was exhausted, folding laundry on my bed, just trying to get to the bottom of it so I could climb in! Well, my five year-old came in, with body language and a voice that conveyed that he just might try a bit of whining and fitthrowing to get his way as he said, But I wanted to sit there! I responded that the bed was closed. Then realizing the humor, said, Get it? The bed is closed with clothes! He paused for a moment, then his five year-old logic grasped it and his whole demeanor changed. He visibly relaxed, laughed a bit, and then moved to another part of the room to settle in and talk to me about something else. Humor is an excellent distraction. It lightens the mood and shifts attention, often facilitating either natural or adult-prompted redirection. Its not always the children who are the ones who need to lighten up. Theyre naturals at funny business. In fact, I recently read that, on average, a child laughs 300 times each day, while an adult laughs only 15 times each day. My husband is an expert at using humor when the little ones are being a bit overly dramatic about their most recent injury or frustration. He asks what happened and attends to their needs. Then, if the drama continues, he often says, very seriously, Now let me make sure I understand what happened, then recreates the scene in full slapstick comedic fashion, flailing onto the floor or animatedly crashing into the wall, or whatever the drama may be. Or he counts their fingers to make sure they didnt lose one in the accident. With a little slight of hand, he skips over one of their tiny digits and responds with exaggerated concern at the fact that they have actually lost a finger! The kiddos almost always stop crying, at least long enough to laugh. And then, if they havent stopped completely, they seem to have to really try to cry over laughing and laughing almost always wins out.
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We can use humor to get attention as were working with children, starting off an activity or discussion with a silly song, a funny story, or your own comedic antics if youve got the gift. Its hard for a child not to be interested in what comes next once youve made him laugh. Humor and light-heartedness can also be used to relate to the child, providing proper perspective on mishaps and disappointments. (I remember when I accidentally spilled some water on my pants. That wasnt what I meant to do! How silly! You know what I did? I just changed my clothes!) Laughing at ourselves helps children to do the same. It shows them that sometimes, its just no big deal. Humor also builds relationships by providing positive shared experiences. Its fun to laugh together, and you really dont need a reason to do it! Building that positive relationship will certainly shade future interactions. Now, obviously, humor is not for every situation. We dont want to brush off very intense reactions with a joke, but sometimes we can head off that eruption, letting out a bit of steam with some well-timed humor. Also, humor is meant to be used to laugh with the child, not at her. Never use humor to belittle the child or disregard his feelings. Be aware of personalities and temperaments, and how they might affect the reaction to your humor. Keep in mind that sarcasm relies heavily on logic and language skills that children havent fully developed yet. At best its too advanced for children to understand, and at worst, it can be very hurtful. Just avoid it. So take a look at how you can use humor to lighten the mood, or reenergize your brood. There are many times when laughter truly is the best medicine!

"The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache." Marjorie Pay Hinckley
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Tool #5: Use the Enchanting World of Stories

So often we try to drag children into our rational adult worlds and expect them to comply simply because it makes sense to us. Sometimes the best way to get a child to understand what you expect of her is to come into her world and explain it in her terms.

Moral Storytelling
Weve all had those parenting moments when we launch into a full-blown lecture, while our little ones often respond with that Is she still talking? look on their faces. We pull out Lecture #44, which usually uses the line I wouldnt get so grumpy if people got dressed when I asked them to Or Lecture #213, which draws on the eternal question, If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you? Then theres my personal favorite, Lecture # 17, which covers all the reasons why you shouldnt go to the bathroom in someone elses garden. (Yes, weve actually had that chat. A few times.) Ive learned that these lectures arent particularly appealing to anyone, but perhaps least of all to our youngest audience. But do you know what those little ones love? Stories. I knew this, but it wasnt until I saw my own amazing husband in action with our boys that I saw how effective this technique really is. One day, as our two oldest boys had had yet another frustrating blow up, my husband, Steve, took one of our boys aside, snuggled in with him and told him a story about when he was a boy. He told about some of the mischievous things his own brother would do (something strikingly similar to what our second son was doing) and how upset he would get (just like our oldest would). Then, in dramatic storytelling fashion, he told how his mom told him a little secret. The hook was set and our son was anxiously waiting for more. In a hushed voice, Steve shared that his mom told him that there were some things his brother did just because he thought it was funny to watch him get so upset. And of course he added in his own dramatic recreation of how that
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often played out. His mom, our boys own Grammy, had shared this cosmic secret, and pointed out that sometimes when you just ignore those little things, its not funny anymore and so those pesky little brothers stop doing them. Our son was mesmerized. I had tried in times past, to share Lecture # 19, which points out these same lessons, but my exasperated tone and cut-to-thechase lecture was not appealing and certainly not enchanting. Steves story was. Ive watched him do this several times, and seen how our boys react to it. They calm down and really listen to the story, and they actually remember what he said. Ive seen much more response in their behavior from these stories than from any stagnant and stress-out lecture. So here are some ways to use moral story-telling to guide your childs behavior: Think back to your own childhood. This one is my favorite, because the little ones just love hearing about how these big powerful people in their lives were once little and scared, or sad, or frustrated. They connect and remember these lessons and apply them to their own lives readily. It could even be something as simple as, When I was six I didnt know how to tie my shoes either. And it was hard for me to learn. But my dad told me a funny story about a bunny running around a tree to help me remember. Want to hear it? Make one up. If you have the storytellers knack, make up a perfect fable to fit the circumstance. Take your favorite old lecture and give it excitement, and characters, conflict and resolution. Or stop short, and let your little ones come up with a resolution. Finding solutions for others is always easier than seeing the hard truth in yourself. Find a book. There are plenty of great books out there that deal with social dilemmas and conflict resolution. Most good stories revolve around a problem and its resolution. Share these with your children and use the opportunity to talk about what your children think and feel. Connect the stories to their personal experiences. Later you can quickly refer to the stories to remind them of your discussion. (Are you acting like the rabbit or the monkey today?)
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Explore suggested books on the book list from the Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning (linked here and listed in the reference section at the end of the book.) In life we often talk about creating a script. Using moral storytelling, literally gives children a new, and enchanting, script to work from.

Lets Pretend
In Vivian Gussin Paleys book, A Childs Work: The Importance of Fantasy Play, she mentions the opportunity to use fantasy play as a tool for classroom management or child guidance. I found this interesting, and it caused me to think about that premise, the ways I have used it in the past, and the ways I could use it to smooth out difficult situations. As she states: Conversations with children may arise out of a last straw annoyance, in other words, or from a sense of dramatic flow. They can come from concerns over decorum or from respect for our imaginations. Both approaches will manage a classroom, but one seems punitive and the other brings good social discourse, communal responsibility, and may have literary merit. (pg. 74)

This quote reminded me of when I was a first grade teacher in a school where classes needed to walk very orderly and quietly down the hallway. Stern looks, nagging, and threatening worked from time to time, but what really made for a silent trip down the hall was asking the children to pretend we were sneaking past a sleeping giant. With smiles on their faces, the children tip-toed stealthily down the halls while the principal gave that quizzical Whats-gotteninto-them? look. (I didnt tell her of course that she was usually the giant.) Getting imagination on his side worked for my dad as well when he took my boys along on a fishing trip. Keeping two preschoolers entertained while
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strapped to their car seats for a few hours of winding wilderness roads is a challenging task, even for a seasoned professional like Grandpa. But he literally transformed what could have been an excruciatingly boring drive into an intergalactic adventure. He had the boys guiding the flight from their seats and scanning the universe from their windows. Consider the difference between this memorable adventure and the typical Are we there yet? + Dont make me come back there! drive. In Paleys book she gives an example of a young boy with a behavior problem and her own use of storytelling and dramatic play to guide the childs behavior. She created a narration about the problem and created a new character, Good Player, and invited the child with the problem to act out Good Players positive behavior. This play-acting helped reinforce the desirable behavior for the child and gave a model for the teacher to reference in the future (Youre pretending the wrong boy, remember?) While I will say that it is still important to teach behavior explicitly, we can sweeten the pot with imagination and narration. State what behavior is needed and why, but then add those magic words, Lets pretend

Pretend to Become
If you want your child to. Clean up Be very quiet Try pretending to be Street sweepers or cleaning fairies Stealth super spies

Find misplaced shoes (again) Pirates hunting for treasure

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Tool #6: Validate and Label Emotions

Have you ever felt frustrated or angry? I mean really frustrated or angry? Almost beyond words? Doesnt that just add to the aforementioned frustration? Well, imagine being a child. (It shouldnt be too hard, Im pretty sure you were one once.) Young children are bombarded with emotions just as intense as our own if not more so as they are not tempered with the same reason and justification we can sometimes muster. These little ones feel just as frustrated and angry as we ever could, but have even less of an ability to verbalize it. Too often, that results in some other manifestation or communication of the emotion. This is when we usually see the tantrums, the biting, the hitting, the kicking, etc., etc., etc. How do we as adults usually respond? We swoop in, console the victim and cite the offender, lecturing them about their behavior. We see it as a failure to behave properly, when often, it is a failure to communicate properly. While Im not saying that consequences should be ignored, I do think we are too frequently jumping past a critical first step. In any highly emotional response for a young child, the first reaction we need to have is to label and validate those emotions. We need to help them understand what they are feeling and let them know that the feeling is OK even when the behavior is not. Think about it. We all get angry. Im sure youve all had a turn feeling righteous indignation. Youre angry, and you know you have every right to be angry. Moms and dads get angry. Heads of state and geniuses get angry. Well, children get angry too. And many times for good reasons. Getting angry is not a problem. Its how we respond to the anger that often causes problems. We need to teach children how to properly respond, without sending the message that their feelings are wrong. Here are some ways this may play out: Adam, I understand that you feel very angry right now, and its OK to feel that way, but hitting other people is never OK here. Can you think of a better way
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to act when you feel angry? (Talk about simply saying I FEEL ANGRY!, or squishing all your anger into some playdough, or finding a quiet place for some deep breathsetc.) Sandy, I know that you feel very sad because the other girls didnt want to play your game. I would feel sad and disappointed too. Maybe you could ask if theyd like to play after they finish painting, OR Can you think of someone else you might like to invite to play your game with you? OR Can you think of something that you like to do that makes you feel happy? By first helping them to label the feeling, it gives them the tools to use to communicate in the future. It teaches them to recognize the feeling and to connect it with more appropriate behaviors in the future. It also helps them to know they have been heard and understood, which is sometimes all they were looking for in the first place.

When we acknowledge a childs feelings we do him a great service. We put him in touch with his inner reality. And once hes clear about that reality, he gathers the strength to begin to cope. -Adele Faber

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Tool #7: Teach Active Problem Solving

Teachers and parents of young children are notoriously good problemsolvers. When discontent arises, we swoop in, assess the situation, and set timers, create turn-taking lists, grab another item for sharing, or utilize some other method from our bag of tricks. We are so good at problem solving because we get so much practice! This is all well and good, and at times a skill of survival, but to truly benefit children for the long run, it is ideal to involve them in the problem solving process. It may slow things down a bit, but eventually you will find that you are swooping in less and less as the children build their own sets of social problem-solving skills and become more independent. To be sure, problem solving is a complicated task. Lets be honest, there are plenty of adults who dont have these skills! Encouraging children to be problem solvers is more than saying, Let me know how that works out for ya! Depending upon each individual childs language and cognitive abilities, we will coach them along at varying levels of support, scaffolding them through the process. In essence, we are simply going through the process out loud and giving them a part in it. Here are a few ways that I help children learn to problem solve, spanning across developmental levels. Pick and practice those that apply best to the children you love and teach.

Whats Going On?

Come down to the childs level, and put your arm around her if she seems comfortable with that. Without passing judgment, describe the situation as youve observed it. Keep your voice calm, and the child will likely follow. You look angry. Tell me about it. Younger, less verbal children benefit greatly from this labeling process as their ability to feel very intense emotions far outweighs their ability to verbally express them. In situations where there are two parties, you should encourage each person to tell his side. Lee Im going to have Jesse tell what he thinks the problem is, and you and I are going to listen, and then Lee, youre going to have a turn to tell Jesse and me what you think the problem is. If
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theyre fighting over an object, first say, Im going to hold this until we get things worked out. Gently remove it, and hold it out of sight if possible, so that the children can focus on talking rather than gaining possession. Gaining peer feedback helps the children see things from another childs perspective. This is a very difficult task for young children, but hearing how their actions have affected another can help them make this leap. It helps them to realize that their choices are not without consequences for themselves as well as for others. When working with less verbal children, or a child who is too upset to speak, we must use adult feedback, where we as adults speak on behalf of the child. That really hurt Flora when the ball hit her. She didnt like it at all, and it made her feel really sad. Do you see her face? That looks very sad.

What can we do?

Once youve clarified the problem, ask the children, What can we do? As the children make suggestions, refer to the other party again, saying, What do you think about that? Your job during this phase is to simply referee. Make sure each party gets to make suggestions and weigh in on the other childs suggestions. Help them to be objective and find a solution that everyone can live with rather than getting overly emotional and waging personal attacks. (Perhaps the political world could use some of this coaching..but I digress.) If the children are struggling, you may make some suggestions yourself. Hmmm. We could set a timer and then take turns, or we could play with it at the same time, or we could put it away and paint instead.. For very young children or children who may struggle through this process, you may simply present a solution and give them a smaller part to negotiate. It sounds like Tara had it first, and Sasha would like a turn. Tara, Im going to set my timer, so we know when its Sashas turn. Should I set it for 3 minutes or 5 minutes? OK Sasha, Tara will be done in five minutes and then it will be your turn. Does that sound fair to you? or It sounds like you were just very frustrated because you needed help building the tower. Who could you ask for help? OK, say, Lisa will you help me build this tower?
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For children who are more capable and familiar with the problem solving process, you may even get them started and then say, Let me know when you come to an agreement. Though you should still stay relatively close in case tempers flare again. Youd be surprised as to the creative solutions children can come up with on their own when theyre given the tools and the space to own the problem! Giving children an active part in the problem solving process- even if its just hearing the process out loud as you guide them through with simple questions- helps them to build the social skills necessary to problem solve in the future. It also helps them to own their behavior, recognizing that you as an adult are not there to do things for them, but to teach them how to do things for themselves.

Let them own it.

When the children come up with a solution, respect that and let them try it out. Sometimes that means they will fail and will need to start over. Thats part of problem-solving. Sometimes it means theyll come up with something even better than you could have. A teacher recently told me how she coached a young boy through some problem-solving after he had hurt a little girl. She asked him to think of what he could do to make the situation better. His suggestion was that he could do a dance. The teachers first instinct was to suggest another solution, but instead, she let him try it out. In seconds the little girl was laughing at the little boys antics. He had, in fact, come up with a good solution!

What about saying Sorry?

As adults, we often think that part of a childs solution should be saying sorry. This is a tricky thing. Simply teaching a child that he must say sorry before absolution of guilt, generally only teaches children to say what they dont mean, and that uttering the word is a get out of jail free card. Weve all seen children say sorry over their shoulder or in a sarcastic tone right after a very intentional punch. Or they feel an injustice has been done when you talk about consequences, because, after all, they did say sorry. Feeling sorry is a very
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complicated emotion. When we teach a child that he has to say sorry as part of a process or punishment, he still knows nothing of its actual meaning, because he hasnt made a connection with the emotion. I dont think it is wise to require a child to say theyre sorry. You cant force the emotion, only the word. And really, you cant even force them to say the word. (Ive made the mistake of trying.) What you can do, is ask the child to problem solve. And then connect that action and emotion to the word. As in the example above, as the little boy did his stellar dance, the teacher could easily make the connection saying, He felt sorry that he made you sad, so now hes cheering you up! We can also coach the child through the apology, connecting it to sincere emotion. As we talk with the child, we might ask things like, Do you feel badly that shes so sad now? or Do you feel sad inside too? Does it make you wish you had made a better choice? If the answer is yes, we can say, It sounds like youre sorry for what you did. Maybe you should tell her that. And then follow up with more problem-solving, What do you think you could do to help her feel better? Teaching children to sincerely say theyre sorry is good social preparation. Forcing them to say it as part of a punishment teaches them to use words without meaning and taints the word as something you say when youre admitting guilt. Thats why so many children resist when we ask them to say theyre sorry for causing accidents like incidental collisions or unintentional spills. If we intentionally teach children why and how to say theyre sorry (through roleplaying, stories, puppets, coaching, etc.) and teach them to be sincere, then they will use the word as more than a hollow attempt at an obligatory apology.

Not just in the heat of the moment.

Hopefully now you see the benefit of guiding children through the problem-solving process as conflicts arise. Problem solving and negotiating is hard to do, particularly when the stakes- and tempers- are high. Give children practice with these skills in other moments when they are in a less vulnerable position. As an example, with my own boys, when we go to the library, they love to pick from the assortment of DVDs. I allow each to pick one, and then allow them one additional DVD that they can agree on together. If they can agree,
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great we get a bonus DVD. If not, I simply respond, Thats OK, we can try again to agree next week. (Though that generally spurs them on to try negotiating one more time.) I often remind them that I want this one, but I want that one is arguing, not negotiating. Then I tell them they need to share their ideas and respond to each other. Tell the other what you like most about the one you have, and maybe youll find some things you both like. This is great problem-solving practice in a safe situation. You can also get your children involved in problem solving in non-social situations. Use the same problem solving steps to keep them in practice. What should we do about our dog that keeps getting out? How could we fix the I cant find my shoes dilemma every morning? Even if you think you know the answers, let your children go through the process so that it becomes familiar. Getting their input on family challenges also gets them thinking creatively and feeds their self-esteem. So give it a try. Find ways you can encourage your children to problem solve in uncharged situations, and coach them through the tougher conflicts they have with each other. Youll find that as they become more capable, youll be putting yourself out of a job!

Problem Solving 101 Whats Going On?

Describe the situation. Ask each party to give their take (one at a time) on what happened.

What Can We Do?

Get everyone to brainstorm suggestions for solving the problem. Get feedback on the ideas. Agree on one and try it out.

How Did it Go?

Evaluate the solution. Is everyone satisfied? Great! If not, start over! Problem solving is an on-going process!

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Tool #8: Redirect

Im hoping youve spent enough time in your life observing water to understand the following analogy (and if you spend much time with young children, Im sure that you have). Imagine water running down a slight decline. Its spreading and gaining speed, and headed right for, say, a bookcase full of your favorite books. Destruction is imminent. And so you yell, Stop! Water, stop! For goodness sake, STOP! Does it work? Of course not. Theres too much momentum already at play. You try to stop it artificially by creating a dam. That seems to work for a moment, but soon the water rises, until it overflows and heads right for your treasured tomes once again. Then you have an idea. A brilliant idea, by the way. You divert the water by digging a quick ditch, taking it in another direction. You redirect the water to a thirsty flower bed and both your books and the flowers are saved. You really are amazing, you know! Now, why did I tell you a random story about water? I hope that will soon be clear! I want you to imagine now, a child whose behavior is undesirable, or inappropriate, or threatening certain destruction to person, property, or yes, even your favorite book. As I mentioned with Tool #3 (Say What You Need to See) it isnt enough to say Stop. We have to describe the behavior we want. That may mean describing appropriate behavior, as we discussed in that chapter. Sometimes, what is required is to redirect the behavior. Just as in the water example, theres already momentum in the action, theres already a need the child is trying to fill; the need to jump, the need to climb, the need to color. As we redirect, we move the momentum from an inappropriate or destructive direction into an appropriate, constructive direction. For example, moving from jumping off the tables into jumping off safe structures at the playground; from climbing up the bookshelves to climbing up a step ladder or climbing toy; from coloring on the wall to coloring at an easel. When we notice a child with an inappropriate behavior, simply trying to stop them is sometimes as hard as simply stopping rushing water. The need to act needs to be met and can often be done so in an appropriate way. We first
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look at the action, determine the need, determine which parts of the action are acceptable and which parts are not, and try to funnel the action into a more appropriate direction. Sometimes we redirect individual behaviors as they arise. A child is cutting or threatening to cut-- clothing or hair or books, so we take her to some paper or playdough or yarn that she can cut. A boy is frustrated and acting out by being a bit pushy and aggressive. We may move him over to work with some playdough where he can beat and knead the dough into submission, and no one gets hurt! Sometimes we need to do some long-term redirection. We may redirect a need we frequently see in a childs personality into a positive outlet that is always available. For example, some children are thrill-seekers by nature. For these children, we may not wait until the child presents a dangerous, thrill-seeking behavior to intervene with a redirection. We may find an ongoing way to meet the need for excitement. That may be through more rough-and-tumble play, providing playground equipment or other safe equipment in a specified area for the child to explore and be adventurous, or by providing more experiences exploring nature and the outdoors. Another child may consistently be writing on the walls or furniture. We may redirect each time, but we may also find that we need to create an art area for this child where (washable) supplies are accessible whenever the child wants them. Maybe an easel or personal clipboard with ample paper could be provided. Perhaps a chair rail can be installed in a certain room and the bottom half of the wall actually can be drawn on either permanently or with chalk on a blackboard-painted surface. Some children need more movement and so they are more wiggly than others at story time. We may take this into account and redirect that energy into more music and movement activities woven into our story time. By redirecting behaviors, we are validating the need the child is trying to fill, but teaching the child how to do that in an appropriate way. With time and proper coaching, the child will learn to make that appropriate choice on his own
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without our help. That goes much further toward teaching self-control than simply yelling, Stop. So pay attention as your children present difficult behaviors. Could they possibly be trying to meet a need that could be redirected and met in a more appropriate way?

Changing Directions
Behavior : Playing with food Need Expressed: Sensory stimulation Possible Redirection: Playdough or Sensory bin Outside play, active dancing, mini trampoline, swinging Stack of old newspapers, playdough, and/or yarn in designated bin of things OKd for cutting

Jumping off furniture

Large motor play, Vestibular stimulation

Cutting hair, books, etc.

Scissoring practice and exploration

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Tool #9: Offer Choices and Consequences

Giving children the opportunity to make choices builds their esteem, their independence, and gives them practice for future, more critical choices. Offering choices can also be used to guide behavior. Of course, choices are not without consequences. The consequences of a childs choice can be a powerful force for shaping current and future behaviors.

Guiding Behaviors
There are several ways we can use choices to guide behaviors. The first is by redirection. When a child is engaged in an inappropriate behavior, say running inside a classroom for example, we can use choice to redirect that behavior by giving appropriate choices. We might say something like, Sarah, running inside isnt a choice today. There are too many people and things in this room, and Im afraid someone might get hurt. You can choose to go outside and run, or you can walk with me around the room to find an activity you might like. We can also use choice to guide behavior as we clarify the choices that are available within the boundaries we have set and their accompanying consequences. For example, if your child is supposed to be dressing but is not, you might say, Damon, if you choose to get dressed right now, I will be here to help you. But if you choose to keep playing and do it later, I will not be able to help you. You will have to do it all by yourself. Be sure to pay attention to your tone of voice. Dont state the choices as threats, merely as a matter of fact statement. Another example might be, Abby, this is snack time. You may choose to eat with us, or to keep reading books. Either way, there will not be another snack time today. If you choose to eat with us, you probably wont get hungry later. If you choose not to eat with us, you might get hungry later when there is no snack time. And then let go. Let them make their choices. Now and then you will have a child who insists upon another alternative. You offer A or B and she always insists on C. In this situation calmly reaffirm the boundaries. For example, Its very cold outside today. You need to wear
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something that will cover your legs. (Boundary) You can choose this skirt with tights or you can wear these pants. Then pleasantly throw in this one: If you dont want to choose, I can choose for you. Most children will quickly realize that the best way to get that power and control they crave so much is to make their own choices within the boundaries you have set. If choice C was not one you had offered, but was within the boundaries you had set (another pair of pants for example) go ahead and let your child choose C, pointing out how it fits within the boundaries you had set. (I hadnt thought about that pair, but they do cover your legs as well.) This child is showing that she can choose within the boundaries, and that is the real goal of offering choices. Trying to get a child to adhere to arbitrarily selected choices only becomes a power struggle.

Choices are not without their consequences.

As a matter of natural law, choices have consequences. Too often we, as parents and teachers, are tempted to rescue children from those consequences. We offer one more chance again and again. (And I include myself in this category!) We just hate to see those sweet little ones upset and disappointed. We avoid the meltdown in the short-term, but we also avoid the teachable moment. We must remember that our responsibility is not to keep children from feeling any sort of discomfort in life. It is our responsibility to teach these children and help them to gain the skills necessary to succeed now and in the future. Sometimes that learning and growth requires a bit of discomfort. There are far too many people in this world who struggle in life, in large measure, because they do not consider the consequences of their own actions, or do not feel personal responsibility for those consequences. Learning that can take place in these early years can prevent such behaviors. Particularly when we have outlined the consequences of specific choices, we must be willing to love children enough to let them experience the consequences they have chosen.

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Consequences vs. Punishment

Consequences are not really about punishment. Its not about exerting authority or inflicting unpleasant conditions. Allowing consequences is simply a matter of giving children the opportunity to learn about choices. Its about giving them ownership of their behavior. We, as adults, come from a position of authority and often try to control the situation, perhaps too much so. When we implement a mentality of choice and consequence we come from a place of empathy and support. We allow the children to choose, and to fully experience that choice along with its consequences. We are there to support and coach, but the choice and the consequence are owned by the child. As we talk about consequences, there are two types: natural consequences and logical consequences. The two will be discussed and clarified here.

A Natural Consequence
Sometimes, all that is necessary to implement a consequence is simple hesitation. All we have to do is, well, do nothing. The consequence will occur on its own as a matter of natural laws. As an example, if a child chooses not to eat dinner, that child will become hungry. We, as adults, must use reason in deciding which natural consequences we will allow to happen. Not all are appropriate. A natural consequence of not brushing ones teeth is severe decay and cavities. Simply allowing that to happen is not an effective learning opportunity and is negligent on our part. Any natural consequence that results in injury or humiliation is not an appropriate learning opportunity. Waiting for a child to break an arm is not an effective way to teach that jumping off of a slide is not safe. Obvious, I know, but you get the point!

A Logical Consequence
Logical consequences may not happen on their own, but are logically connected to the initial behavior. As in the previous example, where a natural
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consequence of not eating dinner would be hunger, a logical consequence would be not getting dessert. Its logical that if a child does not first have a healthy dinner, she can not have a rich dessert. An illogical consequence would be not getting computer time or not getting a sticker because she did not eat her dinner. In these examples, the consequence and the choice have very little to do with each other. A logical consequence should be timely so that the connection can easily be made. It should also teach the cause and effect concept of choice. Logical consequences connect the behavior to the result and may be a preferred substitute for natural consequences that may not be appropriate or safe or that may take too long to occur for learning to be connected.

Positive Consequences
As we teach children about choice and consequence we must not forget that their choices often have positive consequences as well. We should be just as diligent in emphasizing these consequences as we are in supporting the undesired consequences. If a child is particularly timely in getting ready for bed, it is logical that as a consequence, there is more time for stories. If a child works hard at the art table, it may be a natural consequence that she has several magnificent projects to take home. We can draw her attention to that consequence by commenting, Sylvia, you worked so hard today! I noticed you spent a long time at the art table. Look at all these things you were able to make! As we allow children to make choices, and as we allow them to experience the consequences, we begin to build a foundation for future decision making. When we can allow them full ownership of their behavior, they will begin to recognize that their choices have consequences and that they are able to control those consequences by carefully choosing their actions. While we are free to choose our actions, we are

not free to choose the consequences of our actions. Stephen R. Covey

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Tool #10: Disengage

My childhood and teenage years were shaped quite a bit by the fact that my dad was a lawyer and then a judge. Building and presenting a logical and convincing argument was a favorite family pastime. We engaged in (usually) friendly debate the way other families play Scrabble. As my fathers child, I learned the art of pursuing an argument. As a parent and a teacher, I have learned the art of ending one. Often times, when we find ourselves engaged in an argument with children, the logic is sometimes lacking. But that doesnt matter much to the child. It all makes perfect sense to him. He still wants a sucker for breakfast in spite of the fact that you already told him he needs to choose from one of the healthy options. She wants to play at her friends house NOW, even though youve explained that her play date is tomorrow. We often get passionate arguments from children who have realized the consequences of their choices and are trying to escape. She begs for you to pick up the puzzle pieces, even though she is the one who threw them. When a discussion with a child reaches a point where you find that logic isnt going to bring you eye-to-eye, and that youre simply going around in circles, its time to disengage. Disengaging means you, as the adult, have to take the high road and stop feeding the flames so that the fire of argument can go out rather than flare into an all-consuming inferno. Monitoring your attitude and voice, very kindly and softly explain just one last time what the situation is, so that the child knows he has been heard. Then follow it up with a terminal statement.

Heres how that would sound:

John, I understand that you want to watch the show. But you chose to play with your Legos for twenty more minutes instead. That time is gone and now its time for bed. Im not going to argue about this anymore.
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Sadie, I understand that you want a sucker, I like suckers too. But I dont even have any to give you. So Im not going to talk about that with you anymore. Tyler, I know you want to paint now, but your name is right here on the sign up list. So as soon as Ellen is done it will be your turn. Arguing with me wont change where your name is on the list, so Im not going to talk about that anymore. Or my favorite from Love and Logic: I love you too much to argue. I cant stress enough the importance of monitoring your tone and temper as you make these statements. The point of disengaging is to diffuse the situation. If you say all the right words, but with all the wrong non-verbal cues, youve just upped the tension. Say it calmly even empathetically, give a little hug, and then stick to it. You cant disengage and then jump back into the argument when the child inevitably tries one last shot. You can ignore, change the subject (Now who wants to read this hilarious story?), or calmly repeat your terminal statement (Im not going to talk about this anymore.) like a broken record. Now, when a child feels like they really need to get you back in the argument, she may go for the big guns like, I hate you or You arent my friend anymore or, possibly worst of all in the land of the little ones, Youre not invited to my birthday party. In these highly emotional situations, its tempting to say, Im not particularly fond of you right now either, or Well, I dont like people who throw things at me. These kinds of comments only serve to escalate the argument and teach that your love is conditional. Ive found that the best response to such angry words is a word of kindness. Well, I will always love you. It may not end the argument instantly, but it certainly keeps it from escalating, and it definitely brings things back into perspective. Sometimes a child will turn from an argument to a tantrum when she sees that you have decided to disengage. Just one last desperate attempt to get your attention. Treat that as a new situation. Give the child space and help her to get control. Then offer some choices of where to go from here. (Do you want to play with some playdough now, or go play outside? Do you want to pick up those
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puzzle pieces now or in five minutes?) Trying to reason with them while they are out of control, going back to the argument, or simply caving into their demands arent options. Youll find that as you are consistent in disengaging, it will become more effective in the future. Your children will soon realize that when you say youre done, you mean it. This practice also lets the child know that we each own our own behavior. Just as he gets to make his choices, you, as the adult, make yours. When you choose not to argue, you are modeling positive behavior. So even if you are a passionate debater like I am, with careful application, youll find that you can win more arguments, simply by ending them.

When to Disengage
The discussion is becoming redundant. The point it not negotiable. The discussion is becoming personal, not topical. The tactics are becoming manipulative.

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Chapter Seven: Putting the Tools to Work

Not too long ago, I asked the readers of my blog to comment on the behaviors that really got under their skin. They certainly didnt let me down, listing a variety of challenges from their own experiences. Taking from their suggestions, lets look at how we can apply the 10 Tools to a few specific scenarios. Most situations use more than one tool, and theres rarely one right way to address a challenging behavior. Knowing the cause, the child, and the situation will certainly influence how you proceed. For the sake of examples, Ive taken from the list of suggestions from my readers and created some hypothetical situations, and possible solutions.

Fights Over Toys/ Not Sharing

In general, I would say that this is a learned social skill that requires teaching. Practice using a social script like, Can I have a turn with that when youre done, please? Act it out and practice using neutral toys. When the situation arises, gently coach the children through the same script that you practiced together previously. You could also use this opportunity to involve children in the problem solving process. Invite suggestions on how you can fairly take turns with the toys. Perhaps the children could negotiate how much time will be on the timer. In addition to building negotiating skills, when they are involved in the solution, they are more likely to comply.

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Bad Attitudes and Backtalking

This doesnt happen in your house, does it? There a several tools you could use in this type of situation, independently or in combinations. Use a coaching time out to step away from the charged situation and calmly talk to your child about respect and acceptable behavior. Be sure that you are modeling respect and positive attitudes yourself. Validate their frustrations, but clarify the appropriate ways to express that. Disengage from the argument. If its a bad attitude about an activity or task, make it more exciting by adding pretend play and/or story telling (When I was a little girl, I didnt like to make my bed either. But then I started pretending that I was a princess, locked in a tower.)

Spitting/ Biting
Spitting and biting can mean very different things depending upon the age of the child. For young toddlers, the behavior is age-appropriate. Its still not socially appropriate, and requires intervention and reminders until the child masters the appropriate behavior. (A great article by NAEYC outlines some approaches here.) When spitting and biting is occurring, looking at the cause is extremely important. (Are they teething, verbally limited, expressing emotions, getting attention, etc.?) Different causes lead to different approaches, but here are some tools you might consider using: Take a coaching time-out. Spitting and biting usually happen in a very emotionally charged situation, and your child may need some space to calm down. Validate feelings, but clarify appropriate behaviors. (I know you were really excited about Keisha coming, but biting Mommy hurts and makes me sad. When youre excited you can clap your hands or jump up and down.)
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 Particularly with older children who have already been educated as to the social rules about spitting, you can utilize choice and consequence. (We are going to the library today, but I can only bring children who I know will be polite at the library. Spitting isnt polite, so I think youll need to stay home with Sandra today.) You can redirect the behavior, giving an appropriate outlet for the behavior. (Allowing spitting in the sink or providing a teething toy or crunchy foods.)

Not Listening
Not listening often has as much to do with how we are communicating as it does with how our children are listening. If you really want to get your children to listen, get close to them and make eye contact, keep your instructions short and clear, and ask your child for feedback to be sure you were understood. As for the child being a good listener, that skill often needs to be taught. Teach your children active listening skills so they know what is expected of someone in a conversation. Model good listening yourself. You may even use humor to get your childs attention. If youre talking to your child and not getting a response, start saying something silly (I was thinking wed invite some gorillas from the zoo over for dinner tonight) and watch for your child to suddenly tune in!

Defiance
Few things make smoke come out of parents ears as fast as outright defiance. When Im talking with parents concerned about defiant children, I first point out that this strong will can be a very good personality strength for their child as long as its pointed in the right direction. The important thing is that they learn to exercise that will in positive ways. The best way to do this is to offer plenty of choices with consequences. A child who is being defiant generally just wants to do things on her own terms. So make your boundaries clear and allow her to make her own choices
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within that. For example, We need to leave by 5:00. Do you want to go right now or leave in 5 more minutes? Its amazing how differently the strong-willed child will react to that scenario than to the usual, Its time to go! Get in the car! Because I said so! One lucky reader shared that her biggest battle with her son was getting him to wash his hands. She and her son had conflicting expectations. They could use problem solving to work out this incongruence. Mom can explain why she expects her son to wash his hands, and he can talk about why he doesnt like to. Together they could brainstorm solutions that would be acceptable to both of them. (New foamy soap? Hand sanitizer? Cool hand towel?) They could try out their compromise and then evaluate how its going from there.

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Part Three: Bringing It All Together

Treat a man as he is, he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he ought to be and could be and he will become as he ought to be and could be. Goethe

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Chapter Eight: Building a Positive Culture with Simple Tools

Dr. Clayton M. Christensen, a distinguished professor at Harvard Business School, and father of five, correlated models for a successful business and models for a successful life in a popular article in the Harvard Business Review, entitled, How Will You Measure Your Life? Comparing managing a company to managing a family, he wrote about a model used in business called Tools of Cooperation. Im no business expert myself, but Christensens description of what he calls power tools (threats, punishment, and coercion) and its correlation from business to family life seems spot-on. He explains that when managers find too much friction between themselves and the members of their business organization, they turn to these power tools to essentially strong-arm their associates into complying. He further notes that we as parents often revert to these tactics as well. Now, as I mentioned earlier, we have a few tools around our house and weve probably had more than our fair share of home improvement adventures. And Ill be the first to say I would much rather hang shingles with a nail gun and an air compressor than sit on my roof top for six months while I tap in tiny nails with a hammer. At first glance, the term power tool seems like a superior alternative, but we soon see that stronger and faster doesnt always translate into better results when working with children. Christensen goes on:

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 But there comes a point during the teen years when power tools no longer work. At that point parents start wishing that they had begun working with their children at a very young age to build a culture at home in which children instinctively behave respectfully toward one another, obey their parents, and choose the right thing to do. Families have cultures, just as companies do. Those cultures can be built consciously or evolve inadvertently. If you want your kids to have strong self-esteem and confidence that they can solve hard problems, those qualities wont magically materialize in high school. You have to design them into your familys culture and you have to think about this very early on. Like employees, children build self-esteem by doing things that are hard and learning what works. The tools Ive written about here are very simple. They may not be easy, but they are very simple. Too often parents resort to using the power tools Christensen spoke of as a type of reactive parenting. They get fast results with these strong tools, but they soon find that these tools eventually dull as children quit responding, or they finally realize that they were using a tool far too forceful for the delicate material they were working with and their childs self-esteem lies shattered in their wake. If you want to change a childs immediate actions, the power tools may work. But if you want to influence a childs heart, you need a toolbox full of simple tools and an intentional positive culture.

Building a Positive Culture

A few years ago, my husband and I built a house. For months we were consumed with drafts of blueprints, lists of subcontractors, and so many paint
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samples I thought I had gone color-blind. Somewhere in that process a thought struck me. Was I putting as much care and planning into creating our home as I was into creating our house? Just as a house cannot be built by happenstance, a home with a positive culture can not be built without thought and careful planning. When you first think about creating discipline in the home, you may think of the rules you need to enforce. But to build true discipline, the kind that comes from the inside out, rule-setting is not as important as culture-creating. This doesnt mean you shouldnt have rules, but theres no way to have a specific rule for every decision your child will make. Those must be based on a broader culture of values. Value statements jointly created that help them define appropriate behavior for themselves. What they can do, not just what they can not do. When you create a culture for your family, you set the tone in your home. You define what your family values, what is expected, and what is hoped for. When there is a strong positive culture in the family, children can better choose for themselves based on what they value, rather than looking at a multiplicity of rules for a loophole. Its the same principle as Tool #3 Say What You Need to See. Stating clearly and positively what you want children to do will be more effective than trying to list every rule they shouldnt break. Choose the Write Way So how do you create a positive culture? It helps to spend some time defining for yourself, as parents, what you value, what you expect, and what you hope for. Talk with each other and make some written statements in the form of a family vision or mission statement. Then talk as a family and solidify the statement together. Encourage your children to contribute in their own way at their own level. Really get to know what they think is important and let them know what is important to you. If youre looking for some direction in creating your familys mission statement, there are some great resources ready to help you take on the task,
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which are listed at the end of this chapter. Check them out and then follow or adapt them to create a written statement that best serves your family. Live It The overriding culture of our family is largely dependent on our own reactions as parents. We cannot demand a standard we arent willing to keep ourselves. If we want a culture of respect, we must show respect, even when were angry. If we want a culture based on values, we must talk about values and also act on those values individually and as a family. Once youve defined what you value in your family and how you expect the members of your family to conduct themselves, be sure that you live it. Be a positive role model and set the tone for others in your home by the way you conduct yourself. You cant get a pass just because youre an adult. How you handle your missteps along the way (theyre bound to happen, you are human after all) is just as important. When you slip up, lose your cool, or have a sudden lapse in judgment, remember to model how to make things right again. Show by example how to apologize and rectify the situation. Theres no such thing as perfect parents or perfect children. We imagine an ideal home, free from conflict, tantrums, and pouting. The truth is, no one escapes conflict. We learn through conflict. You have to let children do hard things, as Christensen writes. This includes giving them (and yourself) room to make mistakes and to learn from consequences. You may be tempted to use power tools, to force or coerce children to do good, but to truly be good one has to be allowed to make choices. And with choices come mistakes. We have to recognize that, and respect that. The key is to respond by letting each person own their own behavior, using the moment to teach for the future, and guiding out of love. Creating a positive family culture based on shared statements of vision, values, and purpose, combined with using the simple tools of child guidance,

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allows you to thoughtfully and proactively parent your children. It enables you to teach children to develop discipline, to solve problems, to love, and to respect. It helps them to make choices based on what they know is right, based on what you value as a family, and based on goals you share together.

Create Your Culture

:::Here are some great resources for creating a family vision or mission statement to help you as you create your positive family culture FranklinCovey: Mission Statement Builder SimpleMom: Back to the Basics: Create a Family Mission Statement Families with Purpose: Creating a Writing a Family Vision and Mission Statement and How to Use a Family Mission Statement
*Underlined titles are hyperlinked, addresses also appear in the resource section.

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Chapter Nine: Loveto Teach

The bottom line to this book is that we must intentionally guide from a place of love and create an environment where children can learn proper social skills and emotional regulation. If we simply want children who comply, we might be able to threaten, punish, and bully our way through it for a while, but if we want children who will one day become independent adults who are good people, we have to put in the work, build a positive family culture, and deliberately teach our children positive behaviors. One of the most effective ways to influence child behavior is through positive, caring relationships. I read a passage way back during my days as an undergrad that has stuck with me all these years. Its premise was this, If you first teach a child that you love him, you can then teach him anything else. I really think this is true. Whether youre teaching proper behavior or names of shapes, any child (any person for that matter) is more receptive to direction and correction when it comes from a person with whom they have a positive relationship. Think of it this way, if youre playing a sport of some kind, and the referee keeps making calls against you and never in your favor, are you inclined to think of this referee as a fair judge anymore? Do you continue to think of this person as an expert with a valid opinion, or simply someone who is biased and has a grudge against you? Similarly, I have observed some parents who approach their role as referees. They lean against the wall as the children play and step in and interact with individual children most often as a means of correcting them. This correction is more likely to be received negatively when it is not within the context of a secure, positive, loving relationship. Here are a few suggestions for building positive relationships with your young children. Use Your Words. I once asked my (then) three year old how he knew that I loved him. His answer was simple. Cause you tell me all the time. We need to let the children know that they are loved with our words. You
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can say I love you in many ways. Im glad youre here! Im so happy to see you! I really love the time we get to have together! Im so lucky to be with you today! Greet and acknowledge each child as they enter your care. Whether that means hugging and cheerfully greeting them as they wake up in the morning or cheerfully welcoming them home from preschool, noticing them and acknowledging them sends the message that they are noticed, wanted, and important to you. Really Look, Really Listen. Getting down to a childs level and looking her in the eye really goes a long way to communicate that you are listening and value what she has to say. It is such a simple thing, really, but can be quite a challenge. As a parent in this age of multitasking, we have so many things pulling us in so many different directions. Too often I find myself calling over my shoulder, talking to one of my sons as I whip past him to tend to three other things at once. When we slow down, get on their level, look them in the eyes, and are really present as we talk and listen, we build a stronger relationship. I find that Im really good at getting down to eye level and focusing on only the child when I really want the child to hear what Im saying (correcting behavior, for example), but I need to do a better job of getting down and listening when my child really wants me to hear what hes saying! One of my favorite mentors would often say, Working with children is great exercise, because you have to be willing to do a lot of deep knee bends. Make Contact. Give high-fives, hugs, snuggle for a story, put your arm around your child as you talk, hold hands. Appropriate human touch is amazing in its power to connect people. Use Your Voice. Monitor the way you use your voice to communicate caring. Use inflection to convey enthusiasm, empathy, interest, or cheerfulness. Particularly monitor your voice in stressful moments as you are correcting behavior. Its been shown in studies that a lowered voice actually is
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more effective in getting childrens attention than a raised voice. Children will listen when they feel safe. As Ive mentioned before, my dad is a judge, and Ive been told many times that he is known for calmly and serenely making judgments and doling out sentences. Ive been told by his staff that many offenders would prefer to appear before the judge who was more notorious for yelling and becoming quite animated in court. It sounds less pleasant, but it was actually preferred. You see, when an authority figure becomes overly emotional and even offensive in tone and words, it is easy to stop listening to the words and feel only the offensive emotion being conveyed. It becomes easier to take personal offense (Hes so mean! He doesnt like me!) rather than to take personal responsibility. Use a matter-of-fact, calm, lowered voice when dealing with behavior issues. Becoming overly emotional takes away from the child owning his own behavior. Be Dependable. Build trust by being consistent. Consistent in your routines, consistent in your reactions, consistent in keeping your promises. This doesnt mean you cant be flexible or spontaneous, but you should be consistent enough youre your children can feel secure in knowing there is some element of predictability and that they can rely on you. See the Best in Them. Catch them being good. Make comments about what they do well, especially when you know it came with great effort, but also to notice those talents that come naturally. Its easier to be corrected once if that has already been off-set by 3-5 commendations. See Them for Who They Are. Its important to catch children being good, but its also important to just catch them being themselves. Join them as they play and talk about what theyre doing. Simply asking them to tell you about it shows that you care enough to want to know what they think. Talk to them about their day what was great, what was hard, what was interesting. Join them where they are and ask them to show you around their world.
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Make a mental note of the things they like, and make a point of including those interests when you can. Pointing out that you were thinking of them communicates your love and interest in them. (I think youre really going to like snack today because you like blueberries so much. I thought you might like to read this train book because I noticed you playing with the train set a lot last week.) You cant provide each childs favorite things everyday, but doing it when you can communicates to the child that she is noticed, heard, and cared for. Share Fun Experiences. In a fast-paced, multi-tasking to-do list world we have to remember to slow down and enjoy positive experiences with our children. This is their childhood. Theyll only get one, and it is precious time that will be gone before either of you know it. Be sure to experience it together. Plan for fun experiences and enjoy the spontaneous ones that pop up along the way. Be silly together. Eat breakfast in bed. Tell corny knock-knock jokes. Read books. Go on walks. Create art together. Have treasure hunts. Create family traditions. Sharing positive experiences together strengthens bonds and communicates love.

Having a positive relationship allows moments of correction to simply be incidents related to behavior, rather than the defining feature of the relationship itself. When children are secure in the relationship, they are less likely to feel that your correction reflects your overall opinions and feelings about them, because you have made those positive feelings known in other ways. This makes it easier for you to disapprove of behavior while still communicating that you are accepting of the child. Likewise, a child who feels he already has a positive relationship with you, based on who he is, feels safer taking a risk and learning new skills. He knows that failures that come with learning will not dictate your approval of him as a person.

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Chapter Ten: Putting Principles into Practice

When our oldest son was about six months old, he was not only still waking at night, but began waking every two hours. Exhausted and frustrated, I went to the local library and essentially cleared out the shelves in the parenting section, snagging every book I could find that promised an uninterrupted nights sleep. I still vividly remember my husband returning home from work one day and coming into our sons room, where I sat rocking him and reading one of these books at the same time. On the floor around me were four or five more books that had been examined for the secret to sleep. He asked if the experts had any great gifts to offer our beleaguered little family. Becoming emotional (as tends to happen to tired moms) I explained that each book seemed to recommend something different. How could I know what to do when one book suggested one technique while the other said the complete opposite? My husband, who has a tendency to give sage advice, said, At some point you just have to close the books and listen to yourself. You are his mom. That makes you the expert on him. From that perspective I was finally able to take the information that I had read, sift out the principles, and apply them in a way that felt right to me and worked best within our family. I believe that with the stewardship of parenthood comes the capacity to know your child like no one else does. You have to be the one to decide how to best apply the principles of this book. What do I mean by principles? One definition of principles that Ive come to appreciate is: Principles are concentrated truth, packaged for application to a wide variety of circumstances.ii I like that word, concentrated. Think of it this way. If Im an orange farmer in sunny Florida, I would like nothing more than to have people all over the world drinking the juice from my oranges. But if I were to squeeze a fresh glass right here in my kitchen and send it to your home, it would likely spill and/or spoil before ever reaching your door. Thats not a very effective way for you to get orange juice. So instead, I take the juice from my
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oranges and concentrate it. Essentially, I take out a large portion of the water and send it to you. Then you add your own water from your own home to reconstitute that juice for your morning glass of OJ. The principles in this book work the same way. They are concentrated truths that can be applied in a variety of ways and in a variety of circumstances. I have written about these principles as they have been applied in my home and in my experiences. You now have to reconstitute those principles with your own water. Apply them in your unique circumstances within your own values and boundaries and under the consideration of the personalities within your family. Ive written about principles that I know are valuable in guiding children to positive behavior. I know that positive guidance is the best method for building internal discipline and fostering self-control and self-esteem while also strengthening an appropriate and emotionally healthy parent-child relationship. I know they work. Ive seen it over and over. But the examples Ive given here come from my experiences, my family, and my observations. I dont know your child. You are the expert there. Now its your turn. Take these tools and start building your childs discipline from the inside out.

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Resources and References

Introduction:
Not Just Cute: www.notjustcute.com

Chapter 1:
Positive Guidance ResourcesGartrell, Daniel. 1995. Misbehavior or Mistaken Behavior? Young Children 50 (5): 27-34. Gartrell, Daniel. 1997. Beyond Discipline to Guidance. Young Children 52 (6):3442. Gartrell, Daniel. 2001. Replacing Time-Out: Part One- Using Guidance to Build an Encouraging Classroom. Young Children 56 (6): 8-16. Available: http://www.naeyc.org/files/tyc/file/Gartrell%2001.pdf Gartrell, Daniel. 2002. Replacing Time-Out: Part Two- Using Guidance to Build an Encouraging Classroom. Young Children 57 (2): 36-43. Available: http://www.naeyc.org/files/tyc/file/Gartrell%2002.pdf Read, Katherine. Guides to Speech and Action . From: Read, Gardner, Mahler. 1992. Early Childhood Programs: Human Relationships and Learning 9th Edition. NY: Holt, Rinehart, & Winston Summary Available:
http://virtual.yosemite.cc.ca.us/Childdevelopment/Lee_Jones/Spr10/GuidesSpeechAction.pdf

Saifer, Steffen. 2003. Practical Solutions to Practically Every Problem. St. Paul: Redleaf Press. (Available at Amazon.com.)

Chapter 2:
My Blog: www.notjustcute.com
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The Childrens Center: www.tccslc.org Deutschman, Alan. 2007. Change or Die: The Three Keys to Change at Work and in Life. New York: Harper Collins Publishing. (Available at Amazon.com.) Are You Looking for More Patience from Your Preschooler?:
http://notjustcute.com/2010/05/03/are-you-looking-for-more-patience-with-your-preschoolers/

Chapter 3:
Education.com: How to Discipline a 2-Year Old Boy:
http://www.education.com/question/discipline-year-boy/?cid=90.

American Academy of Pediatrics, Committee on Psychosocial Aspects of Child and Family Health. 1998. Guidance for Effective Discipline. Pediatrics 101 (4): 723-728. Available: http://aappolicy.aappublications.org/cgi/reprint/pediatrics;101/4/723.pdf
i: Gartrell, Daniel.

2001. Replacing Time-Out: Part One- Using Guidance to Build an Encouraging Classroom. Young Children 56 (6): 8-16. Available: http://www.naeyc.org/files/tyc/file/Gartrell%2001.pdf Coach Mike Krzyzewski : http://coachk.com Coach K says: http://coachk.com/coach-k-media/quotes/

Chapter 4:
Can I Play: http://notjustcute.com/2009/09/15/teaching-social-skills-can-i-play/ CARE Form Download: http://notjustcute.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/care-child.pdf A Script for Sharing: http://notjustcute.com/2009/09/15/teaching-social-skills-can-i-play/ How to negotiate a trade:
children-the-art-of-trading/ http://notjustcute.com/2010/07/13/lets-make-a-deal-teaching-

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Chapter 5:
Patience comes from understanding.: http://notjustcute.com/2008/06/21/patience-comesfrom-understanding/

Chapter 6:
I am not a role model: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMzdAZ3TjCA
Scaffold: http://notjustcute.com/2009/07/28/what-is-scaffolding-and-the-zpd/

The Childrens Center:

http://www.tccslc.org

Camer, Richard. 1983. Soft Words Speak Louder with Kids. Psychology Today. (December). Childrens Book List for Social Skills: http://csefel.vanderbilt.edu/documents/booklist.pdf Paley, Vivian. 2005. A Childs Work: The Importance of Fantasy Play. Chicago: University of Chicago Press. (Available at Amazon.com.) Adele Faber: http://www.fabermazlish.com/
Scaffolding: http://notjustcute.com/2009/07/28/what-is-scaffolding-and-the-zpd/ Sensory bin: http://notjustcute.com/2008/12/08/the-sensory-table-on-a-budget/ Love and Logic: http://www.loveandlogic.com/what-is-for-parents.html

Chapter 7:
NAEYC Resource on Biting: http://www.rightchoiceforkids.org/families/biting

Chapter 8:
Christensen, Clayton M. 2010. How Will You Measure Your Life? Harvard Business Review. (July). Available: http://hbr.org/product/how-will-you-measure-yourlife/an/R1007B-PDF-ENG?Ntt=r1007b 101 | P a g e

FranklinCovey: Mission Statement Builder: http://www.franklincovey.com/msb/ SimpleMom: Back to the Basics: Create a Family Mission Statement:
http://simplemom.net/back-to-the-basics-create-a-family-mission-statement/

Families with Purpose: Creating a Writing a Family Vision and Mission Statement : http://family-life.familieswithpurpose.com/2009/01/05/creating-and-writing-a-familyvision-and-mission-statement/

Families with Purpose: How to Use a Family Mission Statement: http://familylife.familieswithpurpose.com/2009/04/02/how-to-use-a-family-mission-statement/

Chapter 10:
ii: Scott, Richard.

1993. Acquiring Spiritual Knowledge. Ensign. (Nov.)

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