Speedreader an original screenplay by Doug McClure (Based on an idea by Andy Varner)

Doug McClure mcclures@mchsi.com PLEASE NOTE: This is an unfinished work based on an idea by Andy Varner. If you feel so compelled, collaboration is certainly an option.

FADE IN: INT./EXT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS - DAY Urban sprawl stretches before the camera... Youth hang on the street, dry-roasting on the burnt sidewalk... out of work, out of luck. SUPERIMPOSE: SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA Urban blight follows, buildings with boarded up windows abound. SUPERIMPOSE: NOT TOO LONG AGO... The poor and homeless dwindle lifelessly along a shabby sidewalk. SUPERIMPOSE: LIKE A WEEK OR FIVE DAYS AGO "Closed" signs hang in crumbling neighborhoods. SUPERIMPOSE: SOMEWHERE ELSE IN AMERICA A construction site, still and quiet... heavy, tough-guy machinery standing idle; piles of hard work sit nearby, unfinished. One lone store sits pathetically along an empty, flat prairie highway. A rusty bike stands in front. SUPERIMPOSE: A SMALLER AMERICAN TOWN A car blows past, catching the bike and sending it into low earth orbit. SUPERIMPOSE: LIKE, MAYBE THE SIZE OF VALPARAISO OR A LITTLE BIGGER The location changes to a quiet business district awaiting activity, but no shoppers. "Out of Business" signs dot windows. A motionless mall. A boarded up factory. Now, a farm field echoes with lonely emptiness. SUPERIMPOSE: A RURAL COMMUNITY Huge, monolithic farm implements sit, rusty and abandoned as weeds blow past.

2. SUPERIMPOSE: OK, THAT WAS A FARM The scene changes to a Mayberry knock-off. feature several "closed" signs in windows. motionless, on the sidewalk. A block of stores A dog sleeps,

A hand and shovel appear and scoop up the dead animal. We see it tossed in the back of a truck reading "Animal Control". SUPERIMPOSE: ...AND A BAR IN AMARILLO We catch a brief glimpse two adults engaged in an illicit act. The screen is partially obstructed. SUPERIMPOSE: WHOOPS! SORRY. THAT'S AMARILLO... SUPERIMPOSE: ELSEWHERE ACROSS THE COUNTRY MONTAGE: 1. Homes with 'for sale' signs 2. Empty parking lots 3. Auto dealership with banner reading "Buy a Car or BURN IN HELL!" 4. Empty playground equipment 5. A school building, the front sign reading: Closing early due too budjet cuts." (Sic) 6. A factory line, quiet, product sitting idle. 7. A row of 'foreclosure' signs 8. A classic, extended family photo at some picnic area. SUPERIMPOSE: MY FAMILY REUNION FROM '07 The picture flies out. SUPERIMPOSE: THOUGHT I LOST THAT 9. A National Parks sign stands beside a wooded road. It reads: "Purple Mountains Majesty Ahead". Tacked over the sign, a placard reading, "Closed until further notice." SUPERIMPOSE: WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW 10. A majestic valley... A decrepit sign points one way to "Amber Waves of Grain" the other to "The Fruited Plain". The sign falls to the ground and a beaver drags it away.

3. SUPERIMPOSE: IS LOVE, SWEET LOVE A HERO! An American flag, waving proudly. Two huge eyes burn through the picture, filling the screen. They peer right, left, right. SUPERIMPOSE: BUT WHAT THEY GOT WAS... A hand sweeps in, placing a pair of glasses over the eyes. TITLE: SPEEDREADER EXT. TIBETAN VILLAGE - NIGHT A ten year old Tibetan BOY runs up through the streets of a rustic, vertical village. SUPERIMPOSE: TIBET As he runs, a bad camera angle catches a few crew members and some obvious back lot buildings. SUPERIMPOSE: "LOOKS LIKE" IN FRONT OF THE WORD "TIBET." He finally arrives at a decrepit wooden building. in the door. INT. TIBETAN BUILDING - CONTINUOUS Two old men sit playing some ancient board game as a fire crackles nearby. As the boy traverses the room, OLD MAN ONE throws a greeting his way in what, we assume, is the Tibetan tongue, but is really gibberish. OLD MAN ONE Grotin meeta purt. SUBTITLE: "GIBBERISH FOR, 'LET ME DIE IN PEACE, YOU LITTLE FREAK.'" BOY Ugday procatay. SUBTITLE: "PIG LATIN FOR 'EAT ME.'" He enters the back room where five old men smoke from a hookah. They turn to the intruder, puzzled. The boy bows in respect. Trukatay! BOY (CONT'D) Trukatay! He bursts

4. SUBTITLE: "THE PROPHECY! OLD MAN TWO responds. OLD MAN TWO Turkatay? SUBTITLE: "THE PROPHECY?" BOY Trukatay. SUBTITLE: "THE PROPHECY." OLD MAN THREE speaks. OLD MAN THREE (under his breath) Trukatay... SUBTITLE: "(UNDER HIS BREATH) THE PROPHECY..." The group turns to one another and murmur in disbelief. "Trukatay?" (etc.) GROUP "Trukatay." "Trukatay!" THE PROPHECY!"

SUBTITLE: "THE PROPHECY." SUBTITLE: "THE PROPHECY." SUBTITLE: "THE PROPHECY." This goes on a while while the subtitles follow along. EXT. TIBETAN MOUNTAINSIDE - NIGHT A messenger ascends a slope. The wind and snow buffet him as he approaches a ancient fortress looking suspiciously like the Disney Castle in disrepair. INT. TIBETAN FORTRESS - NIGHT The door opens and the MESSENGER enters the chamber. stands near the door. MESSENGER (gibberish) Oogatu mania skratta maneeky. SUBTITLE: MORE GIBBERISH FOR "I REALLY ITCH IN MY SKRATTA MANEEKY." A GUARD

5. GUARD (gibberish) Skratta? Minblish! manatanaka!

Stooto cacca

SUBTITLE: "AH... LET'S SEE... LOOSELY, "YOUR SKRATTA, HUH? SICK! WHY DON'T YOU BATHE ONCE IN A WHILE! The messenger hurries to an inner chamber. There sits the MASTER, a diminutive Tibetan/Yoda ripoff, meditating. He looks up. MASTER Yes? MESSENGER Ostumaka tretto masta mon hoocta screm... MASTER I don't speak gibberish. Oh. MESSENGER Master, the prophecy.

SUBTITLE: "TRUKATAY" MASTER Trukatay... SUBTITLE: "THE PROPHECY..." MASTER Is it possible? Could I live to see his coming? The years of waiting... the centuries, the generations that have come and gone, and now... could I possibly be honored with such a blessing? It is beyond words. I must prepare... I must...

SUBTITLE: "IS IT POSSIBLE? COULD I LIVE TO SEE HIS COMING? THE YEARS OF WAITING... THE CENTURIES, THE GENERATIONS THAT HAVE COME AND GONE, AND NOW... COULD I POSSIBLY BE HONORED WITH SUCH BLESSING? IT IS BEYOND WORDS. I MUST PREPARE... I MUST SEEK THE FAVOR OF THE GODS. TIME IS SHORT. QUICKLY, PREPARE THE SHRINE! I WILL DEDICATE MYSELF TO PRAYER AND FASTING. I WILL COVER MY NAKEDNESS WITH TENDER SHOOTS AND BEAT MY BODY WITH BITTER HERBS, MY FLESH WILL BECOME LIKE THAT OF THE IBEX IN THE THROES OF MATING. MY GROIN WILL QUIVER WITH THE FRUIT OF..."

6. The subtitle fills the screen, obscuring the picture and running on well beyond the character's words. He's had enough. MASTER OK, knock it off! SUBTITLE: "KNOCK IT OFF" EXT. WASHINGTON DC - DAY - ESTABLISHING The camera flies in over Washington, DC. The mall; the Washington Monument; the White House; the Lincoln Memorial; all the usual suspects parade by. SUPERIMPOSE: PITTSBURGH, PA EXT. LIBRARY OF CONGRESS - DAY - ESTABLISHING The Library of Congress stands proudly. A sign: "THE LIBARRY OF CONGRESS", (sic) fills the screen. NOTE: The extra 'R' has been scratched out and etched between the 'B" and the 'A". Directly above the words on the sign... SUPERIMPOSE: THE LIBARRY OF CONGRESS (SIC) The word "Libarry" in the title is scratched and corrected as the sign is. INT. LIBRARY OF CONGRESS - DAY We float into the building, across the lobby and into the main reading room where many scholarly types sit doing scholarly things. Some come and go, caught up in the whirlwind of their own self importance. As we float through the mass of humanity, the camera bumps into a busy BUREAUCRAT. BUREAUCRAT What the hell...? The CAMERAMAN responds. CAMERAMAN Sorry. We plunge down a hallway and focus on an important looking door. On it, an impressive title: THE LIBARRIAN OF CONGRESS. The same etched correction appears on the door. NOTE:

7. INT. OFFICE OF THE LIBRARIAN - DAY The office: huge, opulent, imposing. Behind a power desk looms the LIBRARIAN, an abrasive man whose contempt for those standing before him is lost only on the densest of humanity. Before him, queued up, three men and a women stand like cadets. Their uniforms, slightly demeaning somehow, look like scouting rejects. LIBRARIAN ...as members of this new, elite, task force, you are to perform your duties with dispatch. You will ask no questions. You will report to no one except me. Is that understood? They all nod. LIBRARIAN Good. Now, daily, each of you will receive a unique communique from me. You are to read it... He looks over the four. LIBRARIAN ...you all read, I assume, hmmm? They all nod. LIBRARIAN (CONT'D) I think you'll find literacy to be of great interest to me. (beat) Now, tomorrow, you will receive your first assignment. You are to digest its contents then fulfill one hundred percent of its minimum daily requirements... just like Total Cereal. He indicates an ad for Total Cereal now appearing in the corner of the screen showing it's nutritional content. LIBRARIAN (CONT'D) Are there any questions? The row, uncomfortable, shuffle but say nothing. LIBRARIAN (CONT'D) Excellent. (MORE)

8. LIBRARIAN (CONT'D) Each of you will meet, weekly, with me, in a... 'special' debriefing session. When you appear at the appointed hour, do so with a copious written account of your week's activities. Is that clear? They nod. LIBRARIAN Now, once more. To whom will you report? CORPS MEMBERS You. LIBRARIAN Who? CORPS MEMBERS (louder) You. LIBRARIAN Me. That is correct, the Liberrian of Congress. He chuckles a crazed laugh. LIBRARIAN (CONT'D) Say it! CORPS MEMEBERS (no one sure) "Liberrian" "Librarian" "Lib..." of Congress... An evil smile unfurls across the dictator's face. Very good. LIBRARIAN Very good...

INT. CORPS LOCKER ROOM - DAY The group retrieves personal items from lockers in a small, private locker room. THOMAS, 25, slams a locker, flips a ball cap onto his head, and wonders aloud. THOMAS What in the name of the blessed virgin Mary have we got out butts into?

9. MARSHALL, a 'leading man' handsome guy of 22, sits, clueless, on the center bench. While he has the look, he lacks the testosterone to put any of it into effect. MARSHALL I don't know. REYA, 23, an attractive Latino woman, shakes her head and responds. Meanwhile, OTHER GUY, a nondescript cipher, does meaningless activities in the background. REYA We gonna find out, I think. THOMAS I'm not breakin' into the Watergate building. Are you? Reya and Other Guy shake their heads in response. MARSHALL I don't know. REYA Well, I'll give it a day or two, but, I don't know if you guys remember, there ain't any other jobs out there. You think that guy's for real? MARSHALL I don't know. THOMAS Man, you know less than my congressman when he was under oath. MARSHALL I've never been asked these questions before... Hey. THOMAS I'm Thomas.

He offers a hand. Marshall responds with a hand. MARSHALL Hi. Reya does the same. REYA Reya.

10. They shake. She acknowledges Other Guy. REYA Hi. He nods and smiles in return as Thomas also acknowledges his presence. THOMAS Hey. Other Guy waves then returns to pointless activities. REYA (to Marshall) You gotta name? MARSHALL Three. REYA Any one in particular you'd like to be known by? MARSHALL I don't know. She and Thomas share a look. REYA OK... MARSHALL I've never been... REYA ...asked that question before. MARSHALL ...so I'm not sure... REYA Well, how 'bout you toss a few out and we'll stab at one? MARSHALL Well, my given name is Marshall Allen Marshall. THOMAS Your folks named you Marshall Marshall? MARSHALL I don't know... Right.

11. Reya and Thomas give up. MARSHALL I never knew my parents. by my aunt and uncle. Oh. I was raised

REYA Well, what do they call you? MARSHALL I don't know why.

Jeffery.

REYA Why don't you ask them? MARSHALL I only have my aunt left. Aunt Penny. She is the most wonderful person God ever smiled upon. When I found out she was struggling with the rent, I knew I had to find a job. I just couldn't bear to see her worry so. I can't let her down. REYA She sounds like a great lady. I'll just call you Marshall. That OK? MARSHALL Like, is that using my first name or last name? THOMAS There's a difference? MARSHALL Well, yeah, it's like, "Marshall, come over here," or "Marshall. Come over here." REYA OK. THOMAS Well, you decide, depending how we use it. OK? MARSHALL I guess. THOMAS What you think these assignments are gonna be like?

12. REYA Hell if I know. MARSHALL I hope they don't involve milk or any milk byproducts. They look at him. MARSHALL I'm lactose intolerant. REYA I don't think you got much to worry about, Marshall. Marshall checks a text on his cell. MARSHALL Oh, I gotta get outta here. Aunt Penny doesn't know where I am. I'll see you guys tomorrow. He takes off. Reya watches him go, smiling.

EXT. MARSHALL'S STREET - DAY Marshall drives through a working class neighborhood. cramped homes line the block. Small,

Suddenly, and completely out of context, a high end home appears. A beautiful brick wall with a regal wrought iron gate glide into view. A sign with the name "Marshall" appears on the gate. The gate opens and Marshall turns in. INT. MARSHALL'S HOUSE - DAY The door opens and Marshall enters the elegant foyer. calls out. MARSHALL Aunt Penny. He proceeds through dining room and into a kitchen where a cook prepares a meal. MARSHALL Aunt Penny. PENNY (O.S.) Jeffery! He

13. He doubles back to the dining room. Aunt Penny comes around from the foyer. It's PENNY MARSHALL. PENNY (CONT'D) Where have you been? I haven't been able to relax all day. The spa was a complete waste of time and all through luncheon I couldn't stop checking for a text or something... MARSHALL Sorry, Aunt Penny. I shoulda known you'd worry. But I gotta surprise. PENNY No more Laverne and Shirley memorabilia. No. MARSHALL I got a job.

PENNY Oh, how lovely. Your Uncle Buck would be so happy. He picks up a framed photo off a side table and stares lovingly at it. INSERT PHOTO We see John Candy in a scene from the John Hughes film. MARSHALL Uncle Buck, I'm gonna make you so proud of me. We flash back in Marshall's memory. CUT TO: INT. A CAR - 4 YEARS EARLIER We see Marshall in the passenger's seat listening avidly to Uncle Buck. The car sits, idling, in front of a library. UNCLE BUCK ...and so, you see kid, that's why God made Mexicans. Now, get out there and make me proud of you. Marshall starts to get out.

14. UNCLE BUCK Oh, Jeffery, I've just got one last piece of cheesy, homespun wisdom to share with you before I never see you again. MARSHALL What is it, Uncle Buck? UNCLE BUCK One fish in your pocket is better than two in the river, especially if it's alive and in front, if you know what I mean? MARSHALL Not really. UNCLE BUCK How old are you? Oh, well... Marshall starts to go again. UNCLE BUCK Oh, by the way, I thought I was dead. MARSHALL It's a flashback. UNCLE BUCK OK. Great. Hey, don't tell your aunt about the fish story, OK? She never appreciated it. CUT TO: INT. MARSHALL'S HOUSE - DAY He puts the picture down on a table and looks around. now standing in the living room. MARSHALL I'll make you proud, Uncle Buck, I promise, even with bad continuity. Penny comes around the corner. PENNY Oh, how'd you get in here? MARSHALL I'm gonna make good at this new job, Aunt Penny. (MORE) He's

15. MARSHALL (CONT'D) I'm gonna make Uncle Buck proud, and you're never gonna have to worry about the rent, ever again. Penny steps to a wall of French windows and glances out to the back yard. Beyond the pool, workmen are busy setting up a huge party tent, grills, etc. PENNY Oh, honey, it's sweet of you to worry so, but after the party they'll take it all away again. It's just a little extravagance. MARSHALL I don't care how temporal or fleeting. I'm gonna try my darndest to become the man you want me to be. She thinks about this. CUT TO: INT. MEL GIBSON'S HOUSE - DAY Aunt Penny listens, enraptured, while Mel whimpers, whines and berates her. INT. CORPS LOCKER ROOM - DAY Other Guy stands at his locker as Marshall walks in. MARSHALL Hey, how's it going? Other Guy nods and Marshall continues to his locker. He opens it to find a manilla envelope inside with "Week of October 9" printed clearly on the outside. He opens it and reads. In walk Reya and Thomas, laughing and a little more friendly with each other. THOMAS Morning, everyone. They both acknowledge Other Guy and pass on to their own lockers. REYA Hey, Marshall. What'cha got there?

16. MARSHALL My day's assignment... They get out their respective envelopes and read. THOMAS Well, this doesn't seem so bad. Breakin' down some displays on the third floor. REYA I'm going down to shipping and receiving, looks like. What did you get? CUT TO: INT. A HALL - DAY Marshall sits, doing his best to milk a cow, while a female TOUR GUIDE talks to a group of grade school children. TOUR GUIDE And, inexplicably, the library just opened this exhibit on agricultural practices in the early twentieth century. INT. BASEMENT HALLWAY - DAY A rough hallway looms dark, deserted. The space appears remote, unused and forgotten like something from Phantom of the Opera. An elevator dings its arrival, opens and out steps Marshall, cow in tow. MARSHALL Come on, Maribell, this way. He struggles to get her to move. elevator. He speaks softly to her. MARSHALL Now, come on. There's nothing to be afraid of. Come on, girl. She will not budge. MARSHALL (CONT'D) Let me explain the meaning of the words "medium rare" to you... She won't leave the

17. Suddenly, a SOUND emanates from somewhere, echoing in the gloom. He turns to look, pauses, then ventures out of the elevator. MARSHALL (CONT'D) Wait here. He glides down the hall. He glances around a corner.

There, the Librarian furtively pulls a door closed as he checks to make sure nobody sees him. He hurries away. Marshall tries the door and it opens. MARSHALL (CONT'D) Conveniently unlocked... He peeks in. In the gloom he sees a syfy lab. Frankenstein might work here. Dr.

The sound of a DING from the elevator gets his attention. He hurries to the elevator only to find it departed, Maribell and all. The numbers above the door indicate it is now on a upper floor. Hmm. MARSHALL That can't be good.

EXT. MARSHALL'S HOUSE - DAY Aunt Penny lounges pool side. She reads a newspaper. She holds it fully open so the headline can be easily read: "Cow Runs Rife at Liberry (sic) of Congress". Marshall opens a large French window and steps outside. MARSHALL Aunt Penny, isn't it a little cool to be pool side, since we've already established it's mid October? PENNY Oh, I know, Hun. But where else could I hold this newspaper displaying the headline so clearly. MARSHALL Aunt Penny, I need your advice on something. PENNY If it has to do with rangling bovine, I can't really help you.

18. MARSHALL No. No. It has to do with something I saw today. PENNY That was you at my window morning! MARSHALL What are you talking about? Nothing. PENNY Now, what is it, Jeffery?

MARSHALL Well, I stumbled upon something quite... foreboding at work today, like something from a syfy movie, a laboratory, filled with paraphernalia that could, potentially, give a villain with evil intentions the power to carry out nefarious schemes against mankind. PENNY Sounds like a plot device. But, until my life is threatened by the forces of evil and I'm taken captive by some insane, power hungry lunatic, I really don't want to be bothered. INT. CORPS LOCKER ROOM - DAY Reya and Thomas kiss passionately while Other Guy wastes time at his locker. Marshall enters and pushes past the entangled bodies. SUPERIMPOSE: TWO STRANGELY UNEVENTFUL WEEKS LATER MARSHALL Excuse me. They break from their tryst. THOMAS (unreasonably aggressive) What? I suppose you're jealous? No. MARSHALL It's only act one.

The three attend to their lockers, each retrieving their week's assignment. Thomas shows Reya his paper.

19. THOMAS Reya, what's that word there? She studies it a moment then sounds it out. REYA In...cin...er...a...tor. Incinerator, that's one of those furnace things, isn't it? THOMAS Yeah, I think. Why's he usin' all these hard words all of a sudden? The rest of you guys gettin' hard words? The others, including Other Guy, nod their agreement. MARSHALL Yesterday, I had the word por-cupine. Who knew it was one of those animals with the needles sticking out of it. REYA You mean a porcupine? No. He remembers. CUT TO: INT. A HALL - YESTERDAY Several small cages, one with a porcupine, another with a opossum, another with a rat, another with a snake, etc. sit on a table. Marshall, small shovel in hand, tries to scoop the poop out of the porcupine's cage with little luck. The same tour guide speaks to a different group of children. TOUR GUIDE And today we have a wonderful exhibit entitled "Creepy Little Animals We'ed All Kill but the Greenies Won't Let Us." He returns to the present. MARSHALL This was spelled por-cup-ine.

20. INT. CORPS LOCKER ROOM - DAY MARSHALL Anyway, maybe I'll ask. I got my debriefing session coming up. INT. OFFICE OF THE LIBRARIAN - DAY The Librarian sits at his desk. house important looking tomes. He picks up the phone. he then picks it up. Send him in. In walks Marshall, report in hand. LIBRARIAN Ah, Mr. Marshall. Come in and take a seat. The only option is a chair placed in front of his desk and slightly to the side. Marshall sits. LIBRARIAN So, how have your last two, strangely uneventful weeks gone? MARSHALL How do you know they were strangely uneventful? LIBRARIAN Ah... I must have read it, somewhere... So, tell me, have you had any... problems with the assignments? MARSHALL Well, we were all kinda wondering. It seems like the assignments are getting... harder. LIBRARIAN Harder? MARSHALL Yeah, like, who knows what a por-cupine is? Nothing. LIBRARIAN Behind him, huge shelves He puts it down, it beeps,

21. LIBRARIAN Ah, you find my instructions a bit... difficult to follow. MARSHALL They may be a bit obtuse... The Librarian reacts like Warden Norton in Shawshank Redemption. What? Obtuse. LIBRARIAN We'll have us a little book-barbecue in the yard! They'll see the flames for miles! We'll dance around it like wild Indians! Do you understand me? Are you catching my drift? MARSHALL What? LIBRARIAN Nothing. I'm not sure where that came from. Shall we get started? MARSHALL Yeah... LIBRARIAN Just like last time, I want you to relax. That's it. Now, if you would, read your report on this week's activities. Marshall begins reading. The librarian's hand sneaks to a button hidden behind his desk. MARSHALL OK. Well, ah, "October twenty-fourth. The new exhibit on animal feces of the western hemisphere opened. I was assigned to maintain the fresh fecal material. I arrived at seven forty-five and made a quick stop at custodial services where I picked up a box of rubber gloves, three bottles of hand sanitizer and a cheese sandwich. I proceeded to the third floor where the exhibit... the exhibit... where... LIBRARIAN What did you say? MARSHALL

22. As he reads, the librarian pushes the button. A crack appears in the bookshelf directly in line with Marshall. Through the crack appears a small ray gun, something akin to a Buck Rogers reject. A beam activates and appears to stun Marshall as he reads, his eyes transfix on the printed page. Several seconds pass and the beam stops. into the wall. The gun retreats

Marshall, mumbling and drooling, sits stuttering and spluttering. MARSHALL ...ma... mee... moomoo... og... buh buh buh... ne ne ne ne ne neba no no no... Finally, he shakes his head to clear his thoughts. MARSHALL ...ah... on... on the twenty-eighth I was... (trying to sound out the word) As... asig...ned. I was asig-ned..." Is that the word? He holds the report out for help. LIBRARIAN Don't worry, Mr. Marshall. That will be enough. I get the the drift. Thank you very much for your insight. MARSHALL So, am I like, finished? The librarian smiles his evil smile. Oh, yes. LIBRARIAN You're finished.

INT. CORPS LOCKER ROOM - AFTERNOON The four are all present, Other Guy up to his usual tricks. THOMAS So, he didn't give you any reason? MARSHALL No. He just started reciting lines from Shawshank Redemption. It was weird.

23. THOMAS Oh, at the end, when they're all standin' in his cell, and the warden's like... Hey. Right. MARSHALL Spoiler alert! THOMAS Hey, Reya, come here.

He grabs Reya and they start necking like two high school sophomores. He breaks a moment to ask... THOMAS So, you guys wanta go get a drink, or something? They all decline. MARSHALL No. I'm gonna hang around here a bit, do a little snooping into things that could get me in deep doo doo. (to Other Guy) What about you? OTHER GUY I got lots to keep me busy right here. They're necking again. Without even coming up for air...

THOMAS Well, your loss. Maybe some other time. They drop to the floor. INT. BASEMENT HALLWAY - AFTERNOON The elevator dings its arrival, the doors open, and Marshall glances about. As he steps from the elevator he removes his foot from a giant cow pie and shakes off the residue. He sneaks down the hall to the lab, opens the door, and slips inside. INT. LABORATORY - AFTERNOON He holds a penlight and searches for the wall light switch. He finds two, one labelled "Lights" and the other "Cinematic Gloom with Inexplicable Light Sources". He picks the second and the lights respond accordingly.

24. He makes his way to a much larger version of the small ray gun seen earlier. In fact, it is suspiciously like Auric Goldfinger's Laser. He finds a button labelled "Don't push this," and pushes it. The gun lights up and begins playing Achy Breaky Heart. Marshall cringes and pushes it again to shut it off. MARSHALL That's why... He notices a filing cabinet. He opens a drawer and searches through files. We see the file headings: House Plans; Insurance Plans; Vacation Plans; Retirement Plans; Nefarious Plans. He pulls the last file and reads. We see the page contains a listing with the heading "My Nefarious Plans." 1. Be cruel to a helpless animal. 2. Reinvest employee retirement account in bad land deal. 3. Stop recycling. 4. Use ray gun behind you to take over country. 5. Vote for Al Franken. 6. Leave all the seats in the women's lavatories up. Suddenly the lights change and Marshall turns to see the silhouette of the Librarian looming large in the door frame. He freezes. The Librarian steps out from behind a large, black cardboard silhouette and enters the room. He folds the prop. LIBRARIAN I knew this would come in handy. Now, Mr. Marshall, we come to our inevitable first confrontation. He begins his slow approach on Marshall. LIBRARIAN I know what you're thinking. You're younger, stronger, in better physical condition than me... than I... than me... He pulls a Chicago Manual of Style from a shelf and flips through it as he approaches.

25. LIBRARIAN ...than I. He tosses the manual aside. MARSHALL Well, that could be a bit of a problem... for you, I'd say. We stay focused on the confident Marshall. Ah. LIBRARIAN (O.S.) But you didn't factor in...

He now stands with HENCHMAN ONE, HENCHMAN TWO, AND HENCHMAN THREE behind him. LIBRARIAN (CONT'D) ...bad continuity, now did you? Yes, these are my three henchmen. CUT TO: CARTOON INTRO MOCKING MY THREE SONS - CONTINUOUS We hear the old music, see three bulky feet tapping, and see the title "My Three Henchmen." The credit "William Frawley as Bub" rolls through. OR INT. WEDDING RECEPTION - YEARS EARLIER The Librarian stands on a stage singing lead in a doo-wop song while the three henchmen back him up. A combo accompanies. The backdrop reads, "Bucky Finkle and the Three Henchmen." CUT TO: INT. LABORATORY - PRESENT They stand as before. LIBRARIAN Now, do you have any pertinent questions, comments or homespun witticisms before we say goodbye? MARSHALL Do you know the one about the fish in the pocket...

26. LIBRARIAN Especially if it's in front. Yes, I know that one. Anything else? MARSHALL Could you explain it to me? LIBRARIAN How old are you? Is that all? MARSHALL Your plan will never work. If you give up recycling, you may get rid of me, but another will come in my place, then another and another and a thousand like me. Even librarians can't kill that fast. LIBRARIAN OK, so maybe I won't give up recycling... Is that all you have to say, because when you're done, I'm going to kill you. MARSHALL No, actually, I'd now like to read to you now from the Chicago Metro Phone Book. He picks up a phone book from a shelf and begins reading. MARSHALL A.A. Aaronson, A.A. Absolum, A. Aarons and Sons, A. Abraham, Abbling, Bernard, Abbotts, Adrian; Abbotts, Arlene; Abbotts, Donovan; Abbott, Sebastian ... LIBRARIAN I hate it when they do this. him. Kill

The henchmen pull Ak-47's and blast away at point blank range. A hail storm of bullets completely annihilates the side of the room. Ricochets zing off metal and sparks fly everywhere. Ten seconds and a thousand rounds later they stop. The far wall is completely blown away except for an outline around Marshall. Marshall continues to read, untouched. MARSHALL Abolone, Amanda; Abomotocs, Alvin; Aboral Motors; Aborrastic, Morris...

27. HENCHMAN ONE Maybe our sites need adjusting... LIBRARIAN Get him. The henchmen attack but Marshall uses all his hackneyed action hero moves to escape. Finally, the henchmen have him. LIBRARIAN Tie him up. The goons throw him on a table and tie him spread eagle. LIBRARIAN Now, since you've uncovered my little experiment, I think it only fitting you become my first Guinea pig. You may be wondering, just what is this little toy? He strokes the ray gun lovingly. MARSHALL I know, already. It plays bad Billy Ray Cyrus songs. LIBRARIAN True. But only for parties, anniversaries, that sort of thing. No. It is my greatest invention... well, the helicopter ejector seat was my greatest invention, but this is my second greatest... my Illiteracy Ray. It will quickly and painlessly reduce your mental agility and reading level to that of the typical W.W.E. fan. He points the ray gun in Marshall's direction and pushes a large slider on the side. It's labelled, "Reading Level," and the gradients along its length marked: "Einstein", "Graduate Student", "9th Grade", "5th Grade", "1st Grade", "Gender Studies and English Majors", "Professional Athlete", "Larry King", "Tree stump". He sets it down below "Tree Stump" and nods to a henchman at the controls. The beam fires into the steel table between Marshall's legs and begins moving slowly toward his groin. MARSHALL I suppose you expect me to talk.

28. LIBRARIAN No, Mr Marshall, I expect you to... watch Friday Night Smack Down. The Librarian joins the henchmen at the controls while Marshall struggles on the table. MARSHALL But, you've never fully revealed your evil plan to me... or anyone else that might be listening, especially late comers and those stuck in the concession line. LIBRARIAN A little exposition, is that what you want? It's really quite simple...really. I've developed the ultimate illiteracy weapon. The ray closes in on Marshall's groin. MARSHALL You forget that I read your list of Nefarious Plans. I know where this is all leading. LIBRARIAN And, where is it leading, Mr. Marshall? MARSHALL To page thirty, by which point I'll have to directly oppose your efforts to take over the country with this evil ray. The Librarian discusses this quietly with a henchman while Marshall squirms, the ray just nipping at his pants. The henchman turns off the ray, just in time. LIBRARIAN So, somehow, from my meager notes you've surmised my plan, have you? MARSHALL Yes. By bouncing this ray off mirrors orbiting in space, you plan to destabilize western currencies so that, along with the crime syndicates and tanning salon owners across Europe, you can train male models to kill off government officials in (MORE)

29. MARSHALL (CONT'D) Latin America, thereby destroying consumer confidence and cornering the market in frozen orange juice. LIBRARIAN No. But let me write that down. could use it in a sequel. He jots it down. LIBRARIAN (CONT'D) Good. Try this one. When the president addresses the joint houses of congress next month, it won't take but a few seconds to reduce them all to the intellectual equivalent of Rosie O'Donnell. Few realize that the Liberrian of Congress is thirty-seventh in the line of succession to the White House, right after the minority whip's limo driver. So, in one historic moment I will ascend to the throne. And who will question my authority when I'm the only one left that can read the menu at state dinners? MARSHALL You're insane. LIBRARIAN And you're dead. Kill him. Again the goons blast thousands of rounds at Marshall. All they succeed in doing is cutting the ropes that bind him. LIBRARIAN Get your sites fixed! Now, kill him some other way so I can go watch Cupcake Wars. He goes to the door. LIBRARIAN Let me help set the mood. He reaches down to, now, a third switch on the wall labelled, "Dramatic Shadows with Strong Rim Light," and flips it. The lights cooperate. LIBRARIAN And now, Mr. Marshall, I must bid you a Fond Du Lac. I

30. MARSHALL A what? LIBRARIAN Fond Du Lac. It's in Wisconsin. I own a summer home there. Please don't remember I said that, in case it becomes pertinent later on. He leaves and the four look at each other. They attack. Marshall bumps into the control panel and on comes the ray. During the fray, the slider gets reset to "Larry King." Henchman One is thrown into the ray's beam and after a second of agony, falls to the floor. He gets up and starts speaking and sounding like Larry King. HENCHMAN ONE (as Larry King) And, now, an interview you've all been waiting for. For a long time we've heard varying accounts of the scandal that rocked baseball. You all know what I'm talking about, the scandal circulating about the use of illegal steroids in the locker rooms of some of America's most beloved heroes, men like Mark Maguire, Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, and Sammy Sosa. Tonight, I'll be tossing soft ball questions and giggling with one of the dumbest, in my opinion anyway, one of the dumbest members of this elite fraternity, seven time Cy Young Award winner, Roger "The Rocket" Clemens. During this, another bump into the ray gun has reset it to "Professional Athlete". It swings around the room like a loose canon. HENCHMAN TWO gets his turn in the beam and falls to the floor, supplying Roger Clemens for the interview. HENCHMAN TWO Evening, Larry. HENCHMAN ONE Roger, let's get right to it. You ever worn a haz-mat suit? I mean, for any reason? HENCHMAN TWO No. No. Larry, I haven't had that chance, on the baseball field.

31. HENCHMAN ONE Just wondering. I like to get that question out of the way, early on, you know. HENCHMAN TWO I understand. HENCHMAN ONE Now, what about "Family Guy?" like to watch that, do you? You

HENCHMAN TWO Well, to be honest, I've been known to watch it. Yeah. I find it... amusing, I guess you'd say. Yeah, amusing. HENCHMAN ONE Great. Great. I love a good "Family Guy episode." Makes me titter like five year old girl, you know what I mean? HENCHMAN TWO Well, Larry, not really. I'm partial to a belly laugh or two. Maybe a guffaw. I feel a little, effeminate, you know, tittering. HENCHMAN ONE So, may I call you a homophobe, Roger? During this, another bump to the machine has reset the slider well above the "Einstein" level. Finally, Marshall delivers an iron pipe to the head of henchman three. He smashes into the other two and the interview is over. Marshall looks over the three, now disposed in a pile. He pants a moment, and makes for the door. As he hits the door frame, the beam comes to focus directly on the back of his head. He freezes. He shakes. He quakes. He turns. His eyes glaze over. He blinks. He gazes right, left, right. He places his glasses on his face. He is Speedreader. INT. MARSHALL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Marshall lays on the bed, thinking. After a moment he grabs a Spiderman comic book from a large pile and glances at it.

32. He opens it. His demeanor changes. That's odd. He flips a page, then another and another. He drops it on the floor and goes to a bookshelf where he retrieves a book. He flips through it moderately quickly, then smacks it closed. He picks up another and fans through it faster, then tosses it aside. He grabs another and rifles the pages. Another and another. The door knocks. Marshall? there? PENNY Marshall? Are you in

MARSHALL Ah, yes Aunt Penny. PENNY May I come in? No! No. MARSHALL Ah, you're not dressed.

PENNY That's never stopped me before. MARSHALL It's just a bad time. (beat) I'm working out. No. He begins banging things. PENNY OK. Well, I'll be in my trailer if you need me. INT. PATRIOTIC DINER - DAY The dinner has an obvious "American" theme to it. Marshall walks in and scans the room. Reya, sitting at a table deep inside. quickly. MARSHALL Hi. REYA Oh, hi. MARSHALL Thanks for meeting me. He finds his target, He approaches her

33. No problem. see me for? Well... The WAITRESS arrives, pen in hand. Morning. WAITRESS You all ready to order? You having REYA What did you want to MARSHALL

MARSHALL Well, ah, yeah. I think. anything. No. REYA Just coffee's fine.

Marshall glances at the menu in a split second then tosses it down. MARSHALL OK, I'll have the All American Breakfast... The waitress writes. MARSHALL ...but instead of the eggs I'll take a Belgian Waffle, and instead of the toast, make it an English Muffin, and, oh, no sausage, Canadian Bacon instead, and add a side of French Toast... with Swiss cheese. Thanks. The waitress stares a moment, then recedes. REYA Now, what's up? Why'd you want to meet me here? MARSHALL Actually, I wanted to meet at Tiffany's, but this will have to do. I just need to warn you about something. REYA Why? What? MARSHALL At the liberry... library, the librarian, he's an evil arch villain.

34. What? REYA What are you talking about?

MARSHALL In the sub basement, he has an evil lab where he plots nefarious plans. REYA I have trouble believing this, but, even so, why are you telling me this? MARSHALL I have to go away for a while. You need to be on your guard. Tell Thomas, and that other guy. On guard? REYA For what?

MARSHALL Well, if for nothing else, make sure the seat is down before you sit. REYA Where are you going? MARSHALL To fulfill my destiny... check out Cupcake Wars. EXT. TIBET - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING A blizzard rages on a Tibetan mountainside. INT. TIBETAN PUB - NIGHT Inside a fiery pub a crowd of men scream and drink wildly. A large, red faced Sherpa sits across a rustic table from a younger, American female. They each down a shot of whiskey and return to mortal combat. The two stare into each other's eyes while the crowd's anticipation intensifies. The REFEREE turns to a huge shelf and selects two ancient books. He places them slowly in front of the two competitors. Pause. The ref pounds a half empty bottle of vodka on the counter and the two go at it. They read at blinding speed- two or three pages a second. They push harder and the crowd's screams of competitive encouragement grow. Finally, the WOMAN slams the book closed and pounds a delicate fist on the table. The place explodes. The LOOSER stands... menacing like a cheated gunslinger at a saloon poker table. And I might

35. LOOSER Challenge. The referee nods and slowly picks up one of the books. REFEREE Call it. The challenger thinks a moment. LOOSER Two hundred and fifty-six. The ref turns to page 256. Pause.

REFEREE Lamont blames his severe commitment issues on what three story elements? His mother. WOMAN The accident.

A long, long pause ensues. WOMAN His cable company. REFEREE Correct. Chaos and alcohol flush the room. The party begins.

Suddenly, the door opens and the blizzard pours in. The room hitch steps into silence... Speedreader stands like a heavenly visitation inside the portal. MARSHALL I'm looking for the one they call, "El Loco de Lector." No one responds. Something stirs in a corner. Smoke clears. gets, somehow, deeper. The MASTER emerges. The silence

MASTER I am he, though I recently changed my name to Lindsay Lohan. And you are the one they call, "Speedreader." They stare into each other's eyes. The magnetic pull of the "competitor's table" draws them closer. They sit. The referee selects two of the largest tomes on the shelf, but a slow shaking of the Master's head delays him.

36. The Master arises. He walks to the wall and pulls two very thin paperback volumes from the massive collection. He deposits them on the table and returns to his seat. The title, "High School Musical 2" grace their covers. The referee pauses. REFEREE Ready? The men lock eyes. They mechanically open their books without looking down. Both await the signal. Bottle meets table. In an instant, both men's eyes meet page. A mere RIFLE of paper is heard and their heads come up. Speedreader strikes the table while the master, apparently at a loss, sits impotently. A smile distorts Speedreader's lips. triumph hovers over his head. MASTER Challenge. The smile fades, slightly. REFEREE Call it. MASTER Title page. Gravity has its way with Speedreader's face. REFEREE Copyright date? Silence while the Master taps a meaty finger on the table. MARSHALL Ah... Greater silence. Speedreader slumps in defeat. A moment of great

MARSHALL (CONT'D) You have great talent. But talent is not enough. To be the greatest, you must first face your greatest fear. Speedreader remembers...

37. INT. SPORTING GOODS STORE - SEVENTEEN YEARS EARLIER Six year old Marshall enters with a MAN. MAN Come on, son. The man approaches a wizened clerk at the counter, but Marshall wanders toward a rack of baseball bats. The men talk softly. Marshall reaches out and touches one. A wave of panic over takes him. He turns, but another rack stands in his way. He pushes another direction, but more bats confront him. Now they pour from the cave-like door of the back room, flying everywhere. He falls to the floor. The world spins. Everything becomes blurred. Noise. He holds his ears. The bats fly around him like headhunters. The clerk's cacophonous laughter crescendos. Finally, Marshall flees the store, screaming. INT. TIBETAN PUB - PRESENT Speedreader sits. He gulps.

MASTER Tomorrow we begin your training. INT. THE LIBRARIAN'S OFFICE - DAY Reya sits in the chair while the Librarian encircles her. LIBRARIAN So, how well do you know this Marshall? REYA Well, I don't know. I'm not sure it's any of your business. LIBRARIAN It is my business. He's been missing now for several days. What do you know about that? REYA Nothing, really. Maybe he's sick.

LIBRARIAN Liar! You know more than you are telling.

38. REYA Did you call his house? Yes. LIBRARIAN A man named Squiggy answered.

REYA I don't know about that. LIBRARIAN Let me be blunt. I think your friend, Marshall, is up to no good. Oh, come on. REYA He's a library clerk.

LIBRARIAN And you think someone who works in a libarry can't be dangerous? REYA Can I ask you something? He nods. REYA (CONT'D) What holiday falls on February 14th? LIBRARIAN You mean... Valentimes day? REYA That's what I thought... LIBRARIAN And I think it's time we take a little trip. INT. CORPS LOCKER ROOM - AFTERNOON Reya, Thomas, and Other Guy are gathering their possessions from their lockers. The Librarian looms over them. What? THOMAS So, are we like fired?

LIBRARIAN No, not fired. THOMAS Well, like what, then? LIBRARIAN We have some... liberry business to attend to... out of state.

39. THOMAS I didn't sign on for this kinda... The henchmen appear and intimidate the three. THOMAS (CONT'D) ...stuff... well, maybe I did... LIBRARIAN Let's not fight, my friends. have a long journey ahead. INT. AIRLINER - DAY Marshall sits, staring out a cabin window. SUPERIMPOSE: "WAIT. WHAT HAPPENED IN TIBET"? We

MONTAGE: Scenes from "The Empire Strikes Back" flash by. 1. Yoda and Luke training 2. Yoda, shaking his head in disgust at Luke's foolishness. 3. Luke fails to raise the Millennium Falcon. 4. Yoda succeeds. 5. Luke, "I must leave." 6. Yoda, "You are not ready." 7. Luke, "I must." SUPERIMPOSE: "PRETTY MUCH THAT." INT. LIBRARY OF CONGRESS - DAY Marshall waits outside the locker room door while a CUSTODIAN searches for the correct key. CUSTODIAN Well, now, I haven't seen 'em for days. MARSHALL None of the them? The girl? Thomas? That guy who fiddles with stuff? CUSTODIAN No, not a one of them. Let's see, they were here Monday, but after that... The key hits home and he opens the door.

40. CUSTODIAN There you go. Marshall enters the dark room and flip on the light. He gazes about then approaches his locker. He opens it. Empty. He opens Reya's, then Thomas's. Both empty. He opens Other Guy's. There he finds a book titled, "How to Be a Movie Extra." He tosses it back and turns around. He sees something. Aha. MARSHALL Signs of a struggle...

In a corner stand a bunch of signs reading things like: "Struggle This Way"; and "Struggle Begins at 1:00 pm." He turns and leaves. INT. BASEMENT HALLWAY - DAY Marshall leaves the elevator. He makes his way to the lab door. He tries the door. Locked. He pulls a book from out of nowhere and we see the title: "Locks and Locksmithing." He rifles the pages, then pulls a bobby pin from his hair. In a moment he has the door open and the light on. He enters. The room is full of boxes. He approaches a Fed Ex box. He opens it and pulls out a Wilson volleyball.

MARSHALL Least it's not someone's legal papers. He stares at it a moment then stuffs it back in its box. INT. OFFICE OF THE LIBRARIAN - DAY Marshall stands with a SECRETARY scrutinizing the office. SECRETARY He said he was taking a few days off. Marshall walks to the desk and stares a moment. strikes him. MARSHALL Thanks. He leaves in a hurry. An idea

41. EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY Marshall walks down a busy sidewalk talking on his phone. MARSHALL No, Aunt Penny, just a few days. (beat) Fond Du Lac. It's in Wisconsin. (beat) Fly. I got a ticket. 1:30. (beat) I love you, too. Feed my goldfish? Bye. He pockets the phone and continues on his way. The three henchmen step from a dark doorway and begin tailing him. INT. AIRPORT CONCOURSE - DAY Marshall stands in line as his carry-on bag goes through the metal detector. He steps through the human version, picks up his bag, and starts toward his gate. Henchman One places his bag in the detector. We see the detector's screen. The outline of an old style alarm clock with sticks of dynamite attached. The security GUARD looks at him. HENCHMAN ONE Alarm clock... and candles... for my sister. The security guard lets him pass. Now Henchman Two steps up. bowie knife an hatchet. His bag shows the outline of a

HENCHMAN TWO Ah, I'm a chef. He is allowed to pass. Henchman book and extracts henchman Three steps up. His bag shows the outline of a a folded material. The guard rips open the bag and a Bible and an American flag. Alarms sound and the is thrown to the floor by armed guards.

INT. AIRPORT GATE - DAY Marshall dozes in a chair while the remaining two henchmen sneak up on him. One quietly opens his carry-on bag while the other slips in the fully assembled bomb. They giggle like little girls and run off.

42. INT. AIRLINER - DAY Marshall sits squeezed between two huge W.W.E. superstars MARK HENRY and BIG SHOW. MARSHALL (to Big Show) What did you say you two do? MARK HENRY We wrestle. What? BIG SHOW You don't like wrestlers?

The CAPTAIN'S voice saves Marshall's life. We hear him talk to the passengers as well as overhear him talking to his co-pilot. CAPTAIN (to passengers) Ladies and gentlemen, we're currently cruising at thirty-three thousand feet and will begin our descent into Chicago in approximately twenty minutes. The current temperature... (to co-pilot) What? No. Don't touch that. Or that. Just leave the stuff alone. (to passengers) Ah, oh yes, the temperature in the windy city is... (to co-pilot) Stop it. I'll report you. Just don't play with... What? It opens the rear hatch. No, no, no! Just leave it alone. (to passengers) Um... let's see here. Ah, temperature sixty-four degrees and... (to co-pilot) OK! That's it! Now you've done it! How am I supposed to fix that? The sounds of a struggle can be heard then the mic goes dead. Marshall struggles to extract himself from his seat. MARSHALL Excuse me. After a herculean effort to get around Big Show, he makes his way to the rear rest room. He sits.

43. The explosion comes. He opens the rest room door to find just himself, the toilet, and a debris field plummeting to earth. But, he is unphased. He remains sitting. He reaches out and retrieves a laptop computer, hand and arm still attached. He blandly removes the owner's body parts, opens and boots it up. Up comes the desktop where the owner has a "Thought for the Day." Below reads, "Nothing can ruin this sun-shiny day!" Marshall goes online, checks his facebook page, chuckles, then finds a page titled, "How to Survive a Fall from ThirtyThree Thousand Feet." He quickly scans the page. He types in something else, glances at the page, then closes the computer and tosses it aside. He pulls out his cell phone and makes a call. MARSHALL Yeah. Hi. Ah, I'm gonna need a quick delivery. Can you do that? (beat) Good. Where? Ah, just a sec. Let me check. He glances around and conveniently finds a Tom-Tom floating nearby. He grabs it and flips it on. He waits. MARSHALL OK, let's see. That would be 41 36' North and 86 43' West. (beat) Yes. The biggest you've got. (beat) As soon as possible. Thanks. See you in a few. He closes the phone. kicks back. He grabs a floating can of Pepsi and

EXT. DESERTED FIELD - DAY We see a truck with a company name and logo on the side. It reads, Gil's's Stunt Man Supply and Bait Shop." GIL stands by the truck waiting. One of those huge inflatable landing bags stands nearby. Suddenly, Marshall appears from nowhere and lands squarely on the safety device. A shower of other debris rains down. He hops up.

44. MARSHALL Thanks. RANDY No problem. Marshall tosses him a few bills and walks away. EXT. DESERTED HIGHWAY - DAY Marshall stands along a vast stretch of flat highway. Corn fields reach to the horizon. Across the highway stands a man looking vaguely like Cary Grant. They eye each other suspiciously. A bus rolls up and Marshall boards. As he takes his seat and the bus pulls away, we see a crop duster coming out of nowhere and swooping down on the receding figure. EXT. A RURAL ROAD - DAY Marshall thumbs a ride. A panel van pulls up and rolls down its window. We hear the DRIVER without seeing his face. The side of the van reads, "Kenosha Kickers" DRIVER Need a lift? Yeah. MARSHALL Where you headed. DRIVER Sheboygan. MARSHALL Can you get me anywhere near Fond Du Lac. DRIVER Sure. Got a gig in Fond Du Lac. Hop in the back with the boys. MARSHALL You know, you look a lot like my uncle. He climbs in the back of the van and off they go. EXT. A WOODED ROAD - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING A pine dense roadway snakes through the trees. A pinnacle of rock projects through the forest. At the summit the silhouette of a large home can be seen.

45. EXT. A WOODED ROAD - NIGHT Marshall, dressed all in black, sneaks along the roadway. He comes upon a guarded gate leading to the house atop the summit. Six burly guards with machine guns man the entrance. Marshall hides in the trees, surveying the situation. He pulls out a book titled, "Hand to Hand Combat with Multiple Burly Guards," and rifles the pages. He checks out the situation once more. Change of plan. He tosses the book aside and pulls out another one titled, "Rock Climbing and Repelling." Again he rifles the pages. This is a better offering. EXT. SHEAR ROCK WALL - NIGHT Marshall clings to the rock face as he tries to ascend. hand goes here, a foot, there. EXT. SUMMIT - NIGHT The plateau of the summit offers some forest and a clearing where the house sits. Ninja-like, he makes his way toward the building. The house is dark. cautiously. He tries a door. It gives. He enters A

He makes his way through a few rooms. He enters a rather luxurious, contemporary living room. He moves toward a hall. He walks past a full length, framed mirror. As he does, the reflection mirroring him appears as Harpo Marx in a dressing gown. He stops, turns and cranes his head to check the reflection. He appears normal and so moves on. He comes across a door labeled "Secret Lair".