Adams

says give
me more
By Bales OHay
Im cool
Te Student Government As-
sociation has recently organized a
petition to demand that the Board of
Regents of the University System of
Georgia raise the salaries of President
Michael Adams and many of his top
administrators.
Te petition is in response to
recent news articles that have exposed
the relatively high salaries of univer-
sity presidents and administrators in
the University System of Georgia.
According to undergraduate
student body president Lykem Yung,
this is the most important issue that
students have faced in a decadeit
is unconscionable that [President]
Adams salary is so lowit absolutely
must be increased, even if it means
raising student tuition.
The response from Michael
Adams to this petition has been
overwhelmingly positive.
I am very pleased that University
[sic] students understand the neces-
sity maintaining the prestige of their
university through the maintenance
of my exorbitant salarywithout
this necessary compensation, I
would consider working at a more
prestigious institution.
An unnamed administration
source, who spoke only on the condi-
tion of felicitous lies and uncompro-
mising anonymity, said that Adams
was seriously considering working
at more prestigious universities such
as South Arkansas Community
College, and Miss Debbys School
of Fashion and Nails.
Adams poverty is well-known to
students on campus. His house and
adjacent farm, located a few minutes
south of the campus, has remained
at over-capacity, housing his wife,
one daughter, two boys, 18 feral cats,
three milking cows, and one brown
stallion. Tere are also unconfrmed
reports that south Georgias famed
Hogzilla has also taken residence on
the property.
I am very pleased
t hat Universit y[sic]
st udent s underst and
t he necessit y of...my
exorbit ant salary.
Michael Adams
U[sic]GA president
See Bigger, page 3
A special edit ion of The Souths Liveliest College Newspaper
ESTABLISHED 1911, GEORGIA INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY, ATLANTA GA
w
i
t
h
Hell Georgia
To
tuesdAy
November 23, 2004
Online: www.nique.net
All the news that fts, we print.
Almost 100 percent new content!
volume 90, Issue 18
By Bo-Bo the Wonder Chimp/ OOHH AHH-AHH!
U[sic] GA seeks t o replace many of t he so-called books (pictured above) t hat it claims were lost when t he
library burned down last year. Some worry t hat reading may be t oo much of a st rain on student s.
U[sic]GA stresses
close family ties
According to a recent survey,
U[sic]GAs students are the most
connected (by blood relations)
in the U.S. Te success comes as
a result of an aggressive efort to
appeal to dependents of current
students. Tanks to our Inbred
Outreach Initiative, our enrollment
of brother-sister couples has shot up
by 15 percent in the past year, said
University[sic] President Adams.
At the rate were improving, our
inbred population will outpace
Mississippi State faster than you
can say yee-haw.
Student breaks
drinking record
Sources report t hat Bi l ly
Humphry, sixth-year management
major, went to class drunk Friday for
the 82nd day in a row. Tis is the
eighth day hes done that this week,
said J.R. Junior, Jr. Humphry said
he only drinks on days that end in
y, and that hes always careful to
not remember any of it. He has the
highest grade in his sod class.
Adams thrusts
COCK into spotlight
University[sic] President Adams
has unveiled plans for a College of
Computer Knowledge (COCK)
promotional campaign. Te pro-
gram will include billboards with
the slogan Our COCK can fll the
hole in your life. Te campaign is
sponsored by McDonalds.
Researchers: dude, wheres my lab rat?
By Im D. Mann / ReAlly, I Am
Research assist ant Mr. Jit t ers enj oys a hit, all in t he name of progress.
He is one of many rat s helping us underst and t he munchies.
Newfangled learnin center opens
By Willy Wanka
Im English
An unidentifed new building
on campus, completed last week,
has been called the library by
U[sic]GA administrators.
Apparently, this same building,
which is used to store books, burned
down last year. Students, however,
remained skeptical.
If this was a so-called library,
said sixth-year undecided liberal arts
major Angus Fletcher, then how
come I never heard of it?
He said it didnt sound important
to campus anyway. Why dont we
spend money on more better things,
like beer? he said.
Other students questioned the
buildings validity, as well.
What do we need books for?
said second-year Environmental
Science major Ima Hogg. Teres
plenty of wood and gasoline to burn
already.
Seventh-year Physical Fitness
major Buzz Billey agreed. My Pa
said books is for wusses, an we
dont have none of them on school
here, he said.
However, administrators insist
the building should remain on
campus.
After burning down last year, the
U[sic]GA library is in good shape,
said library dean Riley Small. Soon,
we may even have books in it.
So far, the library has put prior-
ity on recovering its collection of
required reading.
Small said they have recovered
all issues of Playboy dating back
to 1980, and work is in progress to
fnd issues dating from as far back
as 1976.
Small said the rest of the book
ordering process has been slow, as
it is difcult to fnd texts tailored to
See Books?, page 7
By Rat Capp
Bad pun
Researchers at U[sic]GA have
made astounding progress in the
difcult fght against munchies.
In the course of testing a new drug
designed to combat the common
side efect of the popular U[sic]GA
after-school activity, scientists are
having the ratsand student vol-
unteersinhale large quantities of
a marijuana-like chemical.
Te frst stage of the research,
which took several years to complete,
was to create a bong small enough
to be used by rats. We tried normal
bongs, but the rats were inhaling so
much that they werent surviving
the experience, said Ed Chopitof,
leader of the research team.
When the problem was fnally
squared away, researchers were
surprised to discover the rats needed
almost as little motivation to hit up
the bong as students did. All it took
was a little Bob Marley, and those
rats were pufng away like experts,
Chopitof said.
Scientists had no problems fnd-
ing student volunteers, who lined up
in droves to participate.
Chopitof claims that the drug
is showing a great deal of promise.
Te potato chip consumption of
students treated with our drug has
fallen by nearly two percent. By our
standards, this is a huge success.
In his fnal report, Chopitof also
suggested putting childproof locks
on the doors of Krunchy Taco to
help curb the munchies problem.
Students of U[sic]GA protested the
suggestion however, arguing that this
would cut of a vital food supply for
the entire student population. Te
protestors claim that many U[sic]GA
students would end up starving to
death, because the childproof locks
impede sober students from getting
in as well as the potheads. I still
cant fgure out how to open them
new aspirin bottles, said student
protestor Sally Manders.
U[sic]GA student body remains skeptical of library
2 Tuesday, November 23, 2004 To Hell With Georgia to hell with news
By Jody Shaw
Editor Emeritus
If its your frst year at Georgia
Tech or if you are a University of
Georgia student lucky enough to
lay eyes on this issue of the Tech-
niqueallow me to introduce you
to To Hell With Georgia, a very
special edition of the Te Souths
Liveliest College Newspaper. In the
next 28 pages you will fnd alcohol
and incest, rednecks and farm ani-
mals, and lots and lots of dawgs.
Im often asked how the tradition
of THWUGA began. My friends at
the University of Georgia say that
producing such a rag, we Tech stu-
dents merely perpetuate unfortunate
stereotypesof Athens students as
drunken rednecks and ourselves as
giant geeks with inferiority com-
plexesthat are no longer as true
as they once were. I answer these
questions and criticisms the same
way each time I hear them; I note
It is t he t radit ion
embodied in t his
issue t hat we hold
dear.
that THWUGA is as much about
us, as a newspaper and an Institute,
as it is about our rivals.
Some 93 years ago, the frst
edition of the Technique published
Volume One, Issue One on Nov.
17, 1911. Te eight-page tabloid
newspaper focused primarily on
the upcoming football contest with
Georgia. It predicted, arrogantly and
incorrectly, that the Jackets would
triumph over the Bulldogs.
From these modest roots, the
present day Technique came into
being. And it is these roots that we
as a staf honor when we produce
To Hell With Georgia.
Over the years, the Technique has
produced various issues mocking
UGAs daily newspaper, Te Red
and Black, and the constituency
it serves. Its been called Te Rude
and Bleak and UGA Today, and its
lead story has ranged from airport
security classes to Uga Vs sex change
operation.
But it is not the name of the
paper or the content within it that
matters most to us; it is the tradition
embodied in this issue that we hold
deara tradition of ingenuity and
creativity that binds us together not
only as a newspaper staf, but also
as a Tech community. For as our
founders expressed in their original
issue, the name Technique expresses
the purpose and nature of the school
and paper as well, perhaps, as it can
be expressed in a word.
So enjoy this issue, as it is as
much about you, me, Ma Tech and
everything that the White and Gold
represent as it is about UGA.
thwuGA: As much about us as them
By Ju C. Phartz / SBD COmmunICAtIOnS
usin the internets Point and Click
Last issues question received 2,006 responses.
How do you like your women?
What is a library?
Tell us at www.kissmyass.org
This weeks question:
Drunk - 401
Bovine -
502
Kinfolk -
1,103
www.nique.net/sliver
sliver
slut + ho = hut!
the parking ofce sux ass
i love how i have more friends
on the facebook than i do in
real life... haha
yes! my girlfriend is extremely
horny and in no way is she
a slut!
HP calculators are infnitely
better than TIs. RPN for-
ever!
sliver my timber!
To ofcer #287 of parking
(whoever the retardedness you
are) keep giving me tickets mo-
ron my cars not registered
Dude, WTF is up with this
new sliver thing?
Te frst rule about Fight Club
newspaper publishing is that
you use all the space available.
Tis is difcult,
Dear Idiot nique people, they
do the 2110 competition almost
every semester
Whoa, I got laid last saturday
night *tech crowd ahs* Yes Yes,
now who want to touch me?
You idiots believe tech will be as
good as they were last year?
*basketball, sorry*
INSIDE JOKE THIS BITCH-
ES!!! ... Hold on, I am thinking
of soemthing
mmmm mechanics bonus quiz,
tastes like silver!
Te King of No Pants would
like to thank all the sliver writers
around the world for making
Numerica
Sasuke! Dont give into the
Sound! Orochimaru just wants
your body! And its more in the
Michael Jackson way!
who thought I would be
downloading THAT when I
downloaded the Happy Tree
Friends...
Oh Noes! Cuddles! You never
saw it coming did you?
Dear Scary 18 year old drunk
chick I slept with saturday,
please please please stop calling,
I know you like
who knew teh wang was so
powerful...
Here is to hoping the lab TA
doesnt catch on, hee hee
just topped 100 kb/s Woo
Hoo!
See page 13 for more
slivers
to hell with news To Hell With Georgia Tuesday, November 23, 2004 3
Kids need more guns
By Buster Nutter
I dont know either
Te frst annual Guns for Tots
charity drive was a huge success.
U[sic]GA collected more than
10,000 good-to-new conditioned
frearms which will be given to
poor and homeless children this
Christmas.
Te Athens campus turned out
to be quite the place to collect extra
guns.
When we were little we hunted
with BB guns
and single-shot
.22s. Now that
were grown
up and are in
college, weve
moved on up to
diferent mod-
els, like the semi-
a ut oma t i c s ,
shot-guns, and
muzzle-loaders.
Tese weapons
are all typical of
the experienced
hunter, said Mike Killsalot, an
eighth-year bowling major who will
graduate this spring.
Saryle Swing, who describes her
greatest life achievement as killing
two quails with a single shot (hence
epitomizing the expression to kill
two birds with one stone) said, It
feels good to know that you made
a diference in the heart of at least
one child. Now they may feel the
empowermentation of staring down
a scope and hitting your target.
I just try to do a little charity
during this holiday season, Kill-
salot added.
Te guns will be donated to the
poorest and most impoverished kids
in the Atlanta area, who probably
would never have the chance to own
a gun otherwise.
And thats the real tragedy, said
Swing. Tem kids need guns so
they can learn to shoot stuf. Aint
nothing more important.
However, there are currently no
plans by drive
organi zers to
teach any form
of gun safety
to any of the
children receiv-
ing guns this
Christmas.
Yeah thats
something we
t hunk a l ot
about , s a i d
Program Co-
ordinator Neil
Anbloughme.
But we re-
ally dont have the proper funds to
initiate such a program.
She added, In generally, we feel
that nothing can replace learning
that stuf yourselves, just by a lot
of practice, a lot of shooting, but of
course, not at people, or into lakes
or ponds, or at windows.
And if you make a few mistakes,
its okay. Tem kids just have to learn
from their mistakes.
Bigger
from page 1
Without the increased salary,
Adams will not be able to maintain
the large presence of farm animals
in his house.
Nothing comes between my
wife and the horse that lives in our
bedroomlikewise I cant keep my
star student dies in crash
By Bubba Buckfutter
Im still here
Nutters, beloved member and
star student of the U[sic]GA com-
munity, died last Wednesday in a
hit and run accident on Prince Ave.
He was 10.
Nutters was someone you looked
up to, said fellow Underwater Basket
Weaving major Billy Bumpkin. He
always knew stuf I didnt get, like
where to go for class.
Math professor Harry Wang
said Nutters was the only student
in class that deserved a grade higher
than a D.
He was the only student that
didnt eat his test paper, or try to
fold it into a paper airplane, he said.
Which is funny, since most of the
others didnt know how to make
paper airplanes anyway.
Wang added that Nutters is the
only student in his fve years at the
University[sic] who managed to
prove 2+2 = 5.
Every other student kept think-
ing it was six, Wang said. I tried
to fnd some way to show them
they were only one of, but gave up
when my calculator broke. It kept
saying four.
Te driver of the car that killed
Nutters has not yet been found, but
it is suspected he was most likely
sober (not drunk) at the time of the
accident.
I dont think itll take long to
get him, said Police Chief Laissez
By Quincy Johnson / neRDIeR tHAn my nAme
Nut t ers, pictured here, is in t he midst of a complex calculat ion for
his mat hemat ics class, Adding Stuff 101. Nut t ers was run over
Wednesday; police are st ill searching for t he driver.
Faire.
Not too often you see sober
people out at night, and they stick
out around here.
Compounding the tragedy,
Nutters body disappeared from
the scene shortly after the accident
was reported.
A thorough police search of
the only nearby residence, belong-
ing to the Hix family, turned up
nothing.
To ofer some solace to the mourn-
ers gathered at the scene, the Hixes
handed out freshly made stew to any
who were hungry.
Now t hey
may feel t he
empowerment at ion
of st aring down a
scope and hit t ing
your t arget.
saryle swing
She shoots stuf
kids of the cowsbeing able to add
more farm animals to our beloved
house is necessary to maintaining
the quality of life of my family,
said Adams.
Student response to the petition
has been mixed. I think Adams
deserves a higher salary, said sopho-
more Willy Staf.
However, some students were
unequivocally opposed to the
proposal.
We already have a farm on cam-
pusI do not think that Adams and
his family need to have the animals
living in his room, said freshman
Licka Mepole.
Student government officials
believe that their petition drive will
ultimately be successful.
Whenever Michael Adams
is happy, the students are happy,
said Yung.
Due to this seemingly unex-
plained phenomenon, Yung believes
that student government is in actual-
ity serving its mandate to improve the
lives of students on campus through
this measure.
It is the job of the student gov-
ernment association to make sure
that Adams and his family are as
comfortable as possible on this cam-
pusI cannot imagine how lonely
our farms and barn will be without
his presence and leadership.
4 Tuesday, November 23, 2004 To Hell With Georgia to hell with news
to hell with news To Hell With Georgia Tuesday, November 23, 2004 5
Here at U[sic]GA, everyone can pass out and pass class
By T. Bag
Dont ask
Last week, the Accreditation
Board for Useless Universities
(ABUU) approved a new under-
graduate major at the University[sic]
of GeorgiaParty and Pass.
Te new course of studies focuses
on the student experience in Athens,
Georgia.
Party and Pass majors will explore
questions that have confused people
for yearshow, for example, it is
possible for U[sic]GA students to
drink and party all the time and
manage to graduate.
Tere are certain things that go
on at the University[sic] of Georgia
which deserve careful examination,
said Director of ABUU Luke Atma-
dik. It seems that classes are so easy
that students can pass tests even when
they have hangovers. Tese are the
kinds of things students will fnd out
as Party and Pass majors.
It is incredible, commented
Johnny Simmons, a member of the
ABUU executive board. U[sic]GA is
truly unique in this manner. Usually,
when students are drunk out of their
minds, they simply cannot pass.
As is common at U[sic]GA, as
soon as talk of an ofcial major was
initiated, there was almost no hesita-
tion in proposing it to the ABUU.
Simmons said, We werent
really surprised. U[sic]GA has a
major for just about everything else
anyways.
As a result, the new major has
been added to U[sic]GAs already
colossal list.
Te sheer quantity of majors at
U[sic]GA, said Atmadik, is simply
mind-boggling.
He added that the enlargement
of the list (which contains challeng-
ing courses of study such as Exercise
Science, Sport Studies, Turf Grass
Management, and Food Technol-
ogy) is only natural.
Te major has drawn a great
deal of attention from students and
faculty alike.
Im in this for the right reasons,
said Bubba Jones, a frst-year student
who plans to choose the new major.
Aint nobody cant tell me that par-
tyin, drinkin, and cow tippin aint
related to doing good in college.
Teachers expressed their opin-
ions regarding the newly formed
major.
Oh I think its a great idea, said
Professor Stew Pid, a major advocate
for the major. Students should
study exactly why it is that we never
really test for anything that requires
an understanding above that of an
eight-year-old child.
Second-year Turf Grass Manage-
It seems t hat
classes are so easy
t hat st udent s can
pass t est s even
when t hey have
hangovers.
luke Atmadik
Director, ABUU
ment major Ima Dumas said, Tis
place it keeps on gettin better. We
not only has the ability to do exactly
what we wants, with majors like Turf
Grass Management, but now we can
be learned why everything works out.
Hell, Id give up my entire chicken
farm for this place.
Classes in the major range from
lab courses such as Pre-gaming for
Finance Tests to lecture courses such
as Why U[sic]GA Alums Dont
Get Hired.
The curriculum considers
life at U[sic]GA during and after
graduation, said Professor John
Red Neck. Professor Red Neck is
one of the schools most qualifed,
with a B.S.A. in Agricultural Com-
munications.
Te job of the ABUU, explained
Atmadik, is to provide universities
such as U[sic]GA with an excuse to
exist. It may not be a very good one,
but the institution must be justifed
in some way.
Ain t nobody can t
t ell me t hat part yin,
drinkin, and cow
t ippin ain t relat ed
t o doing good in
college.
Bubba Jones
Typical U[sic]GA student
Squirrels taste too dern good
National audience gets
to laugh at Dawgs on TV
By Seymour Butts
Eat my shorts
In a new UPN reality show,
University of Georgia students
experience city life in Atlanta as
Tech students.
While causing an uproar from
rural folk in Athens and Bogart,
over 10,000 Tech students regularly
watch the series.
Director Ted Spinner, Tech
graduate of 03, says a recent trip to
Athens inspired the series.
I visited my girlfriend at
U[sic]GA at one of her sorority
parties. All those STAC classes paid
of and I started noticing these
cultural diference between us and
U[sic]GA. Like intelligence, man-
ners and sophistication. I just had
to catch it on flm.
Te series places 10 U[sic]GA
students in the center of Atlanta
who must fnd their way to Tech.
Te students begin at Five Points
station and must fnd their way to
Tech, where they must then pass a
C.S. course.
While allowed a city map,
Georgia Tech hoodies, Mapquest
directions and a personal guide the
students have thus far had apparent
trouble fnding their way around
the city.
In order to win the grand prizea
See Morons, page 7
By Harry Balzonia
You know you like it
Many visitors to Athens walking
around campus ask the same ques-
tion: Where are all the squirrels? Yes,
the traditional arboreal residents are
nowhere to be found. It appears that
the squirrel, a common nighttime
snack in the dorms, has been hunted
to almost complete extinction.
Nothing tastes better than
squirrel meat after a long hard
day of watching TV, said Mike
Pequenacrotch, an undecided con-
nect-the-dots major.
And on the weekends, the ladies
love it. Its romantic, a delicancy.
Nothing says, I want to bang you,
more than candlelight and squirrel
meat.
Many students follow Pequena-
crotchs practices, as shown by the
graph (to the right) that correlates
a decline in the squirrel population
with a rise in the number of on-
campus STDs.
Tis massive killing spree has
caused the squirrels to mass migrate
away from campus to friendlier
neighborhoods. Te squirrel named
Squirky ODonnels, president of
United Squirrels of Athens (USA),
met with us in a secret location to dis-
cuss the matter of urban sprawl.
Veech doy she at. Chi-ri qui-ri
tititi a ruf-ruf tity uv peck peck.
Bick-a-dict bick squi-ad uh oh.
he said, which translates to, We
have had enough of the killing and
only want peace. Te humans, who
rightfully call themselves dawgs, eat
us as if we were chicken. We must
take action. Terefore, we are run-
ning away.
As such, the squirrels are focking
of campus in large numbers.
But the students have coun-
teracted their massive migration
by patrolling the squirrels retreat
roads.
Tem squirrels like to use gutters
and electricalicity wires to try to run
away, but we have them staked out,
said Tryone Felindablank.
When we see a family trying
to run away, we just load, aim, and
shoot, he said. Te great thing
about squirrel meat is that it stays
fresh for a long time, so we can
stockpile the surplus of meat, he
See squirrels, page 7
The Technique
Were the Souths liveliest college
newspaper.
6 Tuesday, November 23, 2004 To Hell With Georgia to hell with news
to hell with news To Hell With Georgia Tuesday, November 23, 2004 7
what he calls the universitys [sic]
unique needs.
We used to have copies of the
Berenstein Bears, he said. But read-
ers found it too difcult. Were going
for simpler things like Dr. Seuss.
He said the rhyming words help
students who arent nerds.
Professors report that there have
been no problems with classes, de-
spite the lack of books.
I usually just have students use
an Etch-o-Sketch, said Computer
Science professor Ernie Jenkins. We
dont need none of them books in
Books?
from page 1
computer class.
Billy Bob Johnson of the College
of Literature said his classes are do-
ing fne, too.
I dont know what the problem
is. My students just come in drunk,
so we make up a bunch of crap
then leave, he said. Its academic
standard.
Small asked students to be on
the lookout for books anywhere
around campus.
He described them as being like
little boxes that open on one end
and have paper with writing and
pictures inside.
Students should report sightings
to the new library.
Morons
from page 5
free BBQ dinner at Sonnys and
admission to Techthe students
must pass the C.S. class with at
least a D.
At frst they had to make a B to
win the grand prize, said Spinner.
But when the frst three episodes
involved them trying unsuccessfully
at purchasing a MARTA token, we
knew we had to lower our standards
a little.
Te last episode featured on Nov.
17 showed the U[sic]GA students
struggling through a proof.
One student began eating the
paper test, while another exploded
into incoherent fundamentalist
tongues, apparently overcome by
the Holy Spirit.
I dont know what came over
meI just got hungry so I ate the
paper, said Jome Lester, one of the
U[sic]GA students on the show.
Like, I panicked, I guess.
Sarah Finnley, who began speak-
ing in tongues during the proof, said
she turns to God for everything.
God brought me into this proof.
Hell get me out, she exclaimed
while waving a snake in the air.
He got me on TV, which is
what I always wanted, even though
its scary, kind of like the time I
lost my virginity. Hell pull me
through this.
Bulldog in the City has pro-
voked ethical protests from several
rural groups in Bogart, Farming-
ton, and other towns surrounding
Athens.
We will not tolerate being shown
like this on TV, said Ned Tealson,
president of Clark Countys Farming
Community Federation.
We are people, and were more
smarter than this, and ought be
treated that way, he said.
Some students at Tech agree.
I did like the episode where they
thought a graphing calculator was
a TV remote. And thinking a de-
rivative was a type of peanut, that
was pretty funny, said Computer
Engineering major Maria Taylor
from Marietta, Georgia.
But I guess it is derogatory in
some ways, she said.
Yeah, like the episode where the
U[sic]GA students kept trying to
fnd the bells in the Shaft on Skiles,
that was fricking hilarious, said
Hansel Morten, a senior industrial
engineering major.
I kept shouting at the screen
laughing, Dude, its electronic,
man! I totally T-Voed that one,
he said.
Bulldog in the City appears on
UPN Wednesday nights at 8 p.m.
added.
When asked how many squir-
rels he has killed in the past week,
Felindablank said, More than I
can count.
Tat means any number above
three.
Officer Laissez Faire of the
campus police wishes to remind all
students that shooting frearms on
campus is strictly prohibited, and
that any violators caught doing so
can serve up to 10 years in jail with
no parole.
(For you Dawg athletes out there,
no parole means you wont get out
of jail early, which means you will
be some big guy named Ramones
bitch more times than you are able
to count. Tat means any number
above two.)
But of the record, Ofcer Faire
said that for 10 pounds of quality
squirrel meat, ofenders would not
be charged.
W
ere not making this up. We swear: Some of U[sic]GAs fn-
est enjoy some real reading on duty as they check out an
issue of THWUGA. And they enjoyed it.
By Tilly Adams/ WHAt kInD Of nAme IS tIlly?
squirrels
from page 5
Fear spreads that Mad Cow
may be transmitted sexually
By I.R. Bovien
It tastes like burning!
Due to a recent suspected out-
break of Mad Cow Disease in the
U.S., many U[sic]GA students
have begun to voice their concerns
of whether Mad Cow Disease is
transferable via bodily fuids.
Teres so many of them dern
cows around, said U[sic]GA student
Bubba Huggnkiss. Tough a self-
professed animal lover, Huggnkiss
is worried about the possibility of
Mad Cow spreading from the local
bovine population to the student
population.
Not only do we eat a lot of em
cows, but since there are so many of
em around, we also fnd ourselves
spending quality time with em. I
myself like to go make a visit to Bessie
when I am feeling lonely, especially
when my sister and mom are out of
town, Huggnkiss said.
Students like Huggnkiss worry
that with all the quality time they
spend with cows, and with all the
bodily fuids that are transferred
during that quality time, there is
the danger of infection.
Since Tuesdays suspected Mad
Cow case, a mob of students has
formed outside of the health center,
demanding to be tested for Mad Cow.
I dont want to have this kind of
disease and not know about it. If my
brains going to rot away, I want to be
able to stock up on my beer before I
go cuckoo, Huggnkiss said.
Other students were also worried
about unknowingly infecting their
ma and sis.
Students were confronted by
PETA representatives who protested
the inhumane treatment of bovines
at the college. It saddens me that
these people think a cow actually
wants to do the nasty with someone
as stupid as you all, a protester said.
Maybe youd better stick to your
relatives.
Te administration has not yet
addressed student concerns, how-
ever. An anonymous source reported
much of the administration has
vanished to test themselves.
Middlin To Hell With Georgia Tuesday, November 23, 2004 11
page11
Middlin
To Hell With Georgia Tuesday, November 23, 2004
First, id like to thank God
U[sic]GA students take a moment to refect
on (wait a minute...) what theyre thankful for
during this Tanksgiving holiday. Page 13
not Quite r.e.M.
Doody King gives the bestseller Everybody
Poops two thumbs up in his review. Cause
everybody poops...sometimes. Page 17
By Joe Mahm
I Like to Dance with the Pretty Ladies
Certifed medical technicians
from the College of Pharmacy
have launched an effort to rid
U[sic]GA of the notorious gt.Rulz.
exe viruswhose origin is as of yet
unknownthat aficted the campus
network last week.
The technicians have been
injecting all campus computers
with a special anti-viral compound
called dihydrogen monoxide, con-
cocted by students in the College
of Pharmacy.
Weve shot up bout 30 puters
so far, said Joe DiPiro, Assistant
Dean of the Col-
lege of Pharmacy
and the head
of the antivirus
effort. Thats
maybe perhaps
half the comput-
ers on campus, or
something.
The ef for t
may be delayed
because of a
shortage of the
antivirus vac-
cine. Once they
obtain the vaccine, however, DiPiro
said, It should take another week
maybe to do the rest.
Te process is simple and straight-
forward. Technicians remove the
computers outer cover and drill
a small hole into the main hard
drive, where the virus is believed to
reside. Another
technician uses
a special syringe
to pump 5 ml
of f luid into
the hard drive
and then covers
the hole with a
Band-Aid.
DiPiro said
that the efort
has yielded re-
markable suc-
cess thus far.
Every com-
puter, once our experts fgure out
how to turn it on, it sputters and
sparks and the screen goes blank,
Computer virus outbreak
causes vaccine shortage
Turf Management program growing
By Jenny Lee Maddox
Te things I do for THWUGA
Administrators said they were
very pleased at this years enroll-
ment of 32 percent more incoming
freshmen in U[sic]GAs Turfgrass
Management Program.
Te number of students we have
enrolling in the program has grown
steadily each year... just like our grass.
Its a beautiful thing.
Roger Grasgrow, dean of the
Turfgrass Management department,
attributed this years increase to the
resurgence of popularity of ChiaPets.
Were really excited about the
prospect of teaching more students
about the subtle art of managing
grass, Grasgrow said.
Grasgrow said that the program
has recently received funding that
Bravestudentsavescampusfromragingbull
By Jiminny Cricket
When you wish upon a bar
No one knows why a bull escaped
from a livestock truck driving down
Broad Street this week. Maybe it was
something in the air, or maybe that
bull had just had one bumpy truck
ride too many. Whatever it was, there
was no stopping
it when it broke
out of the cargo
hold to terrorize
downtown Ath-
ens and the UGA
campus.
On that fate-
ful day last week,
t housands of
U[sic]GA stu-
dents f led for
their lives from
the rushing bull,
as it rammed
t hr ough a nd
broke the famed
arch, splashed through the fountain
by Herty Field, and chased after
everything in its sight.
Ryder Gude, a third-year Agri-
business major, was struggling
with his math homework when he
saw the commotion from his dorm
window.
Of course I done remember what
happened, Gude said. At that very
moment I was trying to fgure out
what four times six was, and then
I heard a scream and just saw that
By Bull@#$^ / Runnin down a dReam, and much moRe
Ryder Gude became a hero when he rode an angry bull t hat recently got loose on campus. The bull broke
t he famous arch, at e some pansies and ran over a Alpha Sigma Sigma sist er before Gude subdued it .
cow run over a helpless little frst-year
Alpha Sigma Sigma girl.
Gude knew he had to do some-
thing. A rodeo veteran and seasoned
bull rider, Gude ran outsidebut
not before grabbing my trusty
ten gallon hat and pulling on my
boots, he saidand proceeded to
chase down the bull. When the bull
stopped to tear
up some pan-
sies in the UGA
Founders Gar-
den, Gude saw
his chance.
I snuck up on
him and yelled,
YEEEEHAW-
WWW! and
jumped on his
back, Gude
said. He hated
it, and imme-
diately started
trying to buck
me off, but I
hung onto his back hair for dear life,
and just squeezed his fank between
my legs as hard as I could.
Gude fnally subdued the animal,
corraling him into the North Cam-
pus Parking Deck. By then, the local
herdsmen and Animal Control had
arrived on the scene, and took away
the tired bull.
Gude says he never for a moment
feared for his life...he just feared for
the lives of his fellow classmates.
I really warnt thinkin too much
Tey also presented Gude with a
gold-plated lasso, as well as the bill
for the ruined landscaping.
His classmates are also been ap-
preciative of his eforts. Gude now
has a small fan club that, in prepa-
ration for the campus celebration,
have been chalking the sidewalks
advertising the event.
Its weird, but awesome, to see
CRAC all round campus, Gude
said.
I warnt expectin to be a hero,
he said. But the ladies, they sure
are a lot nicer to me now that Im
a-gettin so much attention.
when I went out there, Gude said,
then chuckled, but then, I really
dont think too much in the frs
place.
His actions brought acclaim from
U[sic]GA ofcials, who proclaimed
next Tuesday Campus Rodeo Aware-
ness Celebration (CRAC) day.
I yel l ed
YEEEEHAWWWW!
and j umped on hi s
back... and j ust
squeezed his fank
bet ween my l egs as
hard as I coul d.
RyderGude
Agribusiness major
allowed for the implementation of
new teaching strategies and broader
curriculum.
Te program now has experts not
only in golf course management, but
also in several other grasses.
In addition, more hands-on
teaching approaches are being en-
couraged. Tis aspect of the under-
graduate education is being stressed
as part of the Universitys [sic] Lets
Get Learnin initiative.
Were actually teaching students
how to sow their own seed, which we
feel is a very important part of the
learning process, Grasgrow said.
President Michael Adams said
the increased enrollment highlights
an overall trend in the Universitys
[sic] admissions policies.
I want more! Students, that is,
Adams said.
Infectious Diseases also saw
an moderate increase of about 20
percent this year. Te Crop and Soil
Sciences, Dairy Science and Recre-
ation and Leisure Studies programs
also saw slight increases.
By Ivana Sodthings/ BeRmudas the Best
A student in the Turfgrass Management program gets her fngers dirty
and t akes a hands-on approach t o her studies. The program experi-
enced a 32 percent increase in freshman enrollment t his year. See Virus, page 16
[ Af t er t reat ment ] ,
ever y comput er...
sput t er s and spar ks
and t he screen goes
bl ank...
JoediPiro
Assistant Dean, College of
Pharmacy
We re act ual l y
t eachi ng st udent s
how t o sow t hei r
own seed, whi ch
we f eel i s a ver y
i mpor t ant par t
of t he l ear ni ng
process.
RogerGrasgrow
Dean, Turfgrass Mgt.
FiveWaystoProtectYour
ComputerFromaVirus
1. Turn your computer of.
2. Dont insert any foreign objects
into your ports without using a
computer condom. Its just not
sanitary.
3. Beware the kinds of porn you
download. Often, porn can contain
deadly computer STDs.
4. Disinfect your keyboard with
Lysol every day.
5. Dont let your mouse come in
contact with another computers
mouse, even if its your friends.
Campus celebrates newest hero, who says he just didnt think about danger involved
12 Tuesday, November 23, 2004 To Hell With Georgia Middlin
By Geta Handel
My grip is unbreakable
According to ofcials from
the popular social networking
website thefacebook.com, ap-
proximately 69 percent of all
U[sic]GA students have been
banned from accessing the service
as of this past Tuesday.
THWUGA obtained a copy
of this e-mail which stated: You
have been banned from theface-
book.com due to inappropriate
personal photos. You will be
granted ac-
cess to our
service in two
weeks, con-
tingent that
you remove
the ofending
pictures.
Accord-
ing to inves-
tigators, most
of the ofend-
ing pictures
publ i s he d
appear to be
between university[sic] students
and bovines from a dairy farm
on-campus.
At frst, we thought it was
some type of prank, or that the
students found these pictures
somewhere on the Internet.
However, it appeared that most
of the photos were between actual
university students and the cows
on the campus, said a Facebook
spokesperson.
Her initial guess was verifed
through forensic analysis of the
ofending images.
One student who was banned
from the site, Dick Guzinya, ar-
gued for the photos legitimacy.
People put pictures of them-
selves with their boyfriends
or girlfriends, said Guzinya.
Why cant I put a picture of
my relationship? Its equally as
important to me.
Cletus Barnwell, another
student who was banned from
the site, said, Tey have no right
to [ban stu-
dents from
t he site]...
I mean, do
t hey even
understand
how lonely
agriculture
science ma-
jors get on
t hi s ca m-
pus?
Facebook
representa-
tives also de-
leted the bovine sex interest
group that had been created. Tey
are now questioning their initial
decision to include U[sic]GA as
part of the network of colleges
on the site.
Our site is primarily for
human students to meet other
human students at colleges and
universities across the country,
Do t hey even
under st and how
l onel y agr i cult ure
sci ence maj or s get
on t hi s campus?
CletusBarnwell
Agriculture Science major
By Doggie Hauser
Get in my belly!
U[sic]GA ofcials fnally caught
up to Uga VI after his heated ram-
page around Athens, fnding and
impregnating as many bitches as
possible.
Uga VI had escaped from his
owner, Sonny Seilor of Savannah,
when Seilor was preparing to wash
and groom Uga for an upcoming
football game. Out of what ofcials
predict was an overwhelming sense
of loneliness and a desire for female
companionship, Uga ran of when
Seilor turned his back.
A number of students reported
seeing Uga tearing across the campus
over the course of the next several
weeks. Tey were quick to predict the
cause of his unusual behavior.
I just saw him runnin, said
Billy Bob Smith, a frst-year Plant
Protection and Pest Management
major. I was kinda confused at frs,
but I fggered it wus only natural for
a dawg to need some fun. Football
and beer are enuf to sustain a fella,
but supposing it aint enuf for a
dawg?
Studentsparticularly male
studentsaid they could relate
to Ugas sudden urges, and they
laughed as he found and slept with
what ofcials predict were at least
ten female dogs.
Te situation turned serious a few
days ago, however, when a poodle in
Athens unexpectedly gave birth to
a litter of puppies fathered by Uga.
Te poodle was a purebred named
Fif owned by Betty Sue Dumas, a
third-year Fashion Management
major. Tis prompted ofcials to
track down and capture Uga before
he could do further damage.
Administrators and some stu-
dents have expressed concern that
this litter has irreversibly tainted the
Uga family line of purebred bulldogs.
Others, however, regard the issue as
unimportant.
I caint see no problem with it,
said Jim Joe Jones, a fourth-year Food
Technology major. I mean, just cuz
we like to keep things in the family
dont mean they should make Uga do
it. My roommate last year, he done
had a girlfriend that wusnt a sister
or nuthin...She wus a fourth cousin,
and thats a long ways away. Same as
a poodle and a bulldog.
Sally May Meade, a Poultry Sci-
ence graduate student, said, Tere
aint nothin wrong with it exceptin
that he picked a poodle. He coulda
picked something where the pups
woulda been usefullike a huntin
See Facebook, page 16
Photos cause removal of UGA from
theFacebook.com member schools
Uga in doghouse after orgy
www.nique.net/sliver
sliver
as ads vary in size, leaving small slivers of blank space throughout
the paper.
l Methods suck way less on Fridays
the wang, but you are scaring me
Tose MEs are lucky they didnt have to face the Dream Team aka
Team Patent Tis!
Dear Sliver Girl, like how I am flling your holes with my large sliver
item?
codes
By Bo Dacious/ YaY foR stock Photos
Grounded after week of freedom, Uga refects on his actions. Students
say t hey sympat hize wit h Ugas pent-up sexual frust rat ion. See BadUga, page 16
Middlin To Hell With Georgia Tuesday, November 23, 2004 13
By Luke Passdout! / Good at stuffin the tuRkeY
Its a t imeless Thanksgiving tradit ion: having turkey dinner with all the
fxins, and then passing out on the couch after football and beer.
Turkey aint only thing that makes fer good eatin
By Holden MacCrotch
Im thankful for... YER MOM
THANKSGIVIN! ITS THE BEST
HOLIDAY EVER! WE GETTA
WATCH FOOTBALL AN EAT
LOTSA FOOD! Heres some other
stuf were thankful fer.
Im thankful that I can always go
back to my job at the Circle K
in case I dont fnd a job after
I graduate.
Mary Lou Richards, fourth-year
Management major
imthankfulfer,umm,Thanks-
givin.Whoevercameupwiththat
holidayisafriggingenius.
Willy Moore, fourth-year Mathematics
major
Im thankful fer condoms, specially
the new Warm Sensations kind...
those are awesome.
Bubba Waters, grad student, Infectious
Diseases
I am thankful for all of my students.
They try so hard...you have to give
them credit for that...and a cookie.
Dr. Jerry Brighton, Associate Professor, College
of Agriculture
Im thankful for my cow. I can
always count on her for a good
roll in the hay.
Billy Bob, fourth-year Real Estate major
Im thankful that Auburn
didnt whip our asses too
badly. Oh wait! Who am I
kidding?
Honor Back, Ph.D. student, Recre-
ation and Leisure Studies
Im thankful that my English teacher will
never know about that paper I bought
of the internets for $25.99.
Sally Smith, second-year Forestry major
MOOOO!
Bessie, roommate of Billy Bob
im thankful fer my friends. i can
alwayscountonemtocomegitpiss-
assdrunkwithmeonanydayofthe
week.
Ahm Ugly, fourth-year Turfgrass
Management major
im thankful fer my family...
speciallymysister.Sheshot.
Chris Randall, frst-year Early Childhood
Education major
I am thankful fer
beer. And...yeah, beer.
And... maybe whiskey, too,
but, yeah, mostly beer.
Jimmy Smits, ffth-year Crop and Soil
Science major
Im thankful that I get paid more than G. Wayne Clough.
If my beard cant be as nice as his, then at least I can make
more money than he does. HAHAHA!!!
Michael Adams, U[sic]GA President
www.nique.net/sliver
sliver
the last sliver girl corresonded through the magic of sliver, we dont
expect you to, but it was fun, try it sometime
Best.Birthday.Weekend.EVAR
Who knew when she said, Harder! and Deeper! that she really
wanted me to clean the gutters out?
once Billy Madison is added to my collection...I will rule the
world!!!
that or the immediate vicinity >.>
*note to self* When girl asks you how big your wang is...she is trying
to get a point across...
*note to self* luckily, girl heard mental note and took matters into
her own hands
*note to self* Now how to get her to stop calling...
See page 19 for more Slivers!
Middlin To Hell With Georgia Tuesday, November 23, 2004 15
16 Tuesday, November 23, 2004 To Hell With Georgia Middlin
The Atlant a Journal &
Const it ut i on seeks mot i vat ed i ndi vi dual s
f or Sal es/ Mar ket i ng posi t i ons, Avg.
pay=$250-$500; Trai ni ng Sal ar y $10/ hr.;
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Mature student needed t o
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EARN MONEY WHILE YOU
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CALL: NeuroTr ial s Research 404-851-9934
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PT Help Want ed: Need out-going
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Mot i vat ed Owner wi l l pay $3000 t oward
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Owner GA Tech graduat e. Call Marcy Burke
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100 HOUSING &
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2BR/2.5BA t ownhouse on Defoor
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Perfect for 4! Townhouse for
Rent by Tech! 4BR/ 3 f ul l bat h, W/ D,
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Can you FiGGer out what
this is a piCture oF?
Email tohellwithgeorgia@arches.uga.edu
for the chance to win a 50-gallon keg of beer!
By Scotty M/ danGle dePt.
said a Facebook engineer. Ofcials
say they have also learned from their
experience. All profle and group
pictures submitted to the site will
now be screened for explicit sexual
content.
Some students, however, have
already begun plans for a service
similar to thefacebook.com to
serve the social needs of U[sic]GA
students.
Te site, cowfriends.com, which
allows students to select various
species of hefers as their preferred
lifelong companions, is currently in
beta testing.
Asked to respond to potential
competition from cowfriends.com,
Facebook representatives declined
to comment.
he said. Tat makes us think the
virus has been blown up real good.
Course, the computers dont work
right afterward, but thats cause they
just need to rest awhile.
Tis efort has been met with
widespread support by the student
body.
Viruses aint fun, said Sunshine
Ray, a second-year Communication
Sciences and Disorders major. I had
one a few weeks ago. A good shot
will fx these computers right up.
I dont know why other computer
people dont do this.
Others expressed surprise that
the virus infected the network at all,
Virus
from page 11
Facebook
from page 12
BadUga
from page 12
given the campuss state-of-the-art
security protocols.
When you get onto the network,
you get this big ol sign on the screen
that says NO COMPUTER VI-
RUSES BEYOND THIS POINT,
said Isabelle Gump, a frst-year Food
Technology major. Dont them
viruses see that?
Because many students rely on
the network to complete projects
and homework assignments, most
professors have been lenient in ex-
tending deadlines until the system
is up and running again.
I mean, I got this big ol problem
to do, said Ray. It has numbers
that are three whole digits long.
Howm I supposed to do it without
my puter?
dawg of some sort. My ole dawg Blue
woulda been a fne mate.
Uga is currently being held in a
special pound where he is receiving
psychiatric treatment.
Ofcials have not decided what
to do with the bulldog-poodle (or is
that bulloodle?) puppies, but they
are emphatic that none of them will
inherit Ugas title when he retires.
President Michael Adams said,
When we do decide whut to do,
well announce it and take immedi-
ate action. Wutever we do, Uga will
not be gettin out in the future. Were
outragedI mean, madabout
whut hes done, and he aint gonna
be mated to produce Uga VII til
we see ft.
By the Ethanator / stRonG Bad Rocks
A College of Pharmacy technician examines a computer afficted with a
virus. A recent out break shut down much of t he school net work.
Yee-Haw To Hell With Georgia Tuesday, November 23, 2004 17
Yee-Haw
page17
THWUGA Tuesday, November 23, 2004
ShinyHalodiscmystifesstudents
By Ima Hefer / Student PublicationS
Student s are stunned by t he shininess of t heir Halo 2 discs. A few
student s have got t en past t his amazement and played t he game, but
most have not yet realized t here is more t o t he disc t han shiny.
By Hugh G . Recktion
Ooh ,Shiny!
Te efects of Halo 2s release on
campus cannot be ignored among
the male students and a few of the
girls.
I wanted to be the frst in line
when it came
out. I missed
my test on ad-
vanced addition,
but me and my
lawn chair were
the frst in line
at Wal-Mart,
s ai d Dus t y
Tuskwort.
A l t hou g h
Halo 2 was pop-
ular on campus,
many students
had a hard time
fguring out how
to work the disc
itself and the
new l ive fea-
tures.
I d done
never seen such
a refective surface. Te disc was so
shiny I had to call my roommates
brother who goes to Tech because
I kept getting so damn confused
when I looked at it, said Nee An-
derthal.
It took me a whole week to fgure
out I couldnt just put in Halo 2 and
play with my friends back home.
I thought the outlet was bad but
couldnt fgure out why the lamp
was still a lit up then, said Willy
Cuminer.
Halo 2 is often thought of as a
game for guys but it has been em-
braced by many of the local girls
on campus.
Most girls here at UGA like
firting with the guys, but I prefer to
kick their ass at Halo and arm wres-
tling. I won this
ca mouf l aged
trophy from a
Hal o tourna-
ment last week,
said Cooter-Sue
Jones.
S t u d e n t s
have also found
Halo 2 to help
with their other
passions.
I used to
t hi nk t he m
nerds who play
vi deo ga mes
just didnt know
nothing. But
now that I have
Halo 2 Ive done
realized I can
get real good at
shooting things for deer season here
in my room, said third-year Wildlife
major Jethro Jett.
Others still remain bitter over
what several students referred to as
an invasion of them things those
nerd-types like.
I dunt like it. I aint got my bud-
dies to go drinkin and cow tippin
with no more cuz theyre always
playin that there game, said Bubba
Mibalzitch.
Id done never seen
such a refective
surface. The disc
was so shiny I had to
call my roommates
brother who goes
to Tech because I
kept getting so damn
confused when I
looked at it.
Neeanderthal
Halo disc fan
Everybody Poops author full of crap
By Xcretia Brown/ Student PublicationS
This here phot o is proof t hat I ain t t he only one who poops. Someone
else is in t he shit t er droppin a log j ust like I do from t ime t o t ime.
It sure is st anky but I had t o t ake a picture t o prove it .
By Doody King
I Poop Too!
In keeping with the new and,
in my opinion, dangerous trend of
book larnin that has been sweep-
ing the University[sic] lately, we have
decided to begin a new tradition of
book reviews, which, Im told, are
a lot like movie reviews, but without
pretty pictures
or being about
a movie.
Basical ly,
your chances
of seeing some-
thing explode
drop dramati-
cally. So, proceed
with caution.
For our ina-
gural ingural
inagral integral
first book re-
view, we have
chosen the radical new biology text
by controversial Japanese author Taro
Gomi, Everybody Poops.
Te book, complete with nasty-
ass pictures, puts forth the radical
notion that, in fact, everybody in
the whole world poops (even the
Japanese!) and is being hailed far
and wide within the U[sic]GA
scientifc community as a bold new
step forward in the way we think
about crap.
Well, yeah sure everybody
poops, said Health Center spokes-
man Dr. Paul Mifnger, I cant
believe were actually having this
discussion. Added Dr. Mifnger,
Are you retarded or something?
Despite Dr. Mifngers claims,
the entire scientifc community is
not, in fact, standing behind the
newly-dubbed Taro GaWuzzit
school of Shit-Teory.
My cousin, Jim-Bob Jones,
who knows no
less than fifty
distinct hang-
over cures, ren-
dering him the
defnitive medi-
cal voice in the
Athens-region,
had a pretty big
opinion on this
book.
You know
what Doody? I
like you. Youre
not like the other
people here, in the trailer park. So,
Im gonna tell you what I think of
this Tarrow Gawiggy fella. Hes a
damn fools what I say, he said.
When prodded for further
elaboration, Jim-Bob declined on
the basis of now having to go have
a very important medical confer-
ence with his close, personal friend
Dr. Jack Daniels and would not be
available for questions until some
time Sunday afternoon.
...Im gonna tell
you what I think of
this Tarrow Gawiggy
fella. Hes a damn
fools what I say.
Jim-BobJones
Athens medical expert
See Poop, page 19
Computer Condoms
Read about practicing safe cybersex and
other ways to keep that confounded box of
yours safe from viruses. Page 11
sCandal resolved?
Just when we thought the bad things with
the cheerleaders were all over, now theyre
letting cows on the team! Page24
Tipping cows
kicks ass, yall
Te other night I went cow tip-
ping with Johnny for the frst time,
and it was everything I thought it
could be. You just walk up to these
cows while theyre sleeping and you
push em over. It kicks so much ass.
Tey just fall over, and sometimes
they even crush their rib-cages and
die horrible deaths. You should
totally come next time we go.
Another damned
tractor pull
Tis years campus-wide trac-
tor pull will be held this Saturday
from 12 p.m. to 5 p.m. in that feld
behind Rays place where we always
do the damned tractor pulls. You
see, at U[sic]GA we do stuf like
tractor pulls a lot. So much so that
its common-place and blas, which
is a funny observation because were
all hicks.
Beer for all in
drink-a-thon
The 12th annual U[sic]GA
Drink-A-Ton will be held Friday
night at Rudys house. Special door
prizes to the frst 10 people to pass
out, and everybody who gets their
stomachs pumped twice or more
will be entered into a special rafe
for a free liver transplant.
Smart kids to be
mocked, beaten
Next Tuesday, a whole mess of us
are going over to the Honors dorms
to kick the crap out of those smart
kids. Tats it.
Losers get fresh
frat style
New campus sensation Frat Eye
for the Lame Guy is looking for new
losers to publically mock. Applicants
must own no baseball caps, no khaki
shorts, and should be unfamiliar
with the term frat tuck. Apply
at the Alpha Delta Delta house.
Clothing should be de-pantsing-
appropriate.

Book reading: Go,
Dawg, Go!
So theres a dramatic reading of
a great book cheering on us Dawgs.
It aint no childrens book like some
intalle intillect smart people might
tell you to think. No, this is the most
greatest book written about us Dawgs
ever, cheering us on and showing us
winning against everybody just like
we should. No matter what happened
in those damned football games. So
what if the book is really called Go,
Dog, Go. Tey couldnt go being
all obvious they were supporting
us Dawgs or else those Tech grads
wouldnt read it to their kids.
18 Tuesday, November 23, 2004 To Hell With Georgia Yee-Haw
Yee-Haw To Hell With Georgia Tuesday, November 23, 2004 19

ReSTaURaNTS
To learn more about how you can promote your restaurant,
please visit www.nique.net/advertising or call : (404) 894-2830
Call (404)872-5252
990 State Street NW
Delivery and Carryout
So, for the moment, it seems that
the scientifc decision is still out to
lunch, but the larger question still
remains: Is it a good book?
Look, buddy, its a book about
shit, and about how everybody shit,
and animals shitting and games try-
ing to match the shit to the animal
that made the shit.
What the hell do you think? If
you said absolutely brilliantId
Poop
from page 17
be damned confused at what you
meant, but thats what a lot of other
people said.
If you said that its better than
shit on toast youd be damned right
because shit on toast is just nasty,
but this book is good.
Im not much for readin myself,
but even I enjoyed playin the match
the poops game and was very amazed
to learn that I poop too.
Not to mention, when all is said
and done, whats better than a good
poo joke? Nothing, thats what.
Look hot in burlap this winter
By Anita Yurdic
Label Whore
Students are slipping into the
sleekest fashions this winter.
Te warm weather extends nearly
year-long in Athens as students rarely
have to update their seasonal ward-
robe: check out the latest trends
that have already begun to pop up
around campus.
Overalls: worn with or without the
cut-of t-shirt. Te look of tattered
overalls is a staple in winter fashion
this season. Te classic just got of
the tractor look is dripping with
raw sex appeal.
Tis ensemble is not only hot,
but it is also functional: students
can help with the farm work with-
out expending any more energy to
change outfts.
Formal dresses to morning classes.
Girls this season are waking up some
two to three hours before their 8 a.m.
classes to make an elaborate fashion
statement.
Long, fowing dresses appropriate
for formal occasions are essential
pieces to complete an overdone look
entirely unnecessary: accent with
See Fashion, page 20
www.nique.net/sliver
sliver
When I become honorable dictator of earth *after demolishing this
place* I will enact the national orange
In that if thou dost not wearith orange, thou shall be smited, like
thou hast not been smitten before
My boyfriend is packing... ;)
To all you tech dorks out there: please stop embarrassing us and get
out of the library on game day; try going to the game, you might
meet a girl.
dont hate - participate dont hate - appreciate dont hate - procre-
ate...
Whats wrong with throwing rocks at squirrels? Weve already got
too many nut-lickers on campus.
Boo OIT. I cant send out my email.
Cop-Blocked behind Woodys...
What is up with this huge increase in the number of slivers that are
being posted? I remember when there
used to be good slivers being printed and now there are just redundant
posts about how to spel
Tis is for the hot girl that eats lunch at 11 at Woodruf on M,W,F
with the pink bag.
Slivering is highly therapeutic!
alcohol + MATLAB = fun times + bad homework grades
STAC... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Richard Cheese & Lounge Against Te Machine = Best Band...
Ever.
Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason = Another Excuse for Renee Zelweiger
not to diet
dubya dubya dubya no
is a scat fetish really such a bad thing?
Family Guy = Best Show... Ever
Munna Bros Rock My FREAKIN FACE OFF
Last week it was the Army, now its a bartender
Tom, what are you gonna do with your life really?
Im going to grad school in CO, where the weak gravitational pull
makes all girls hot
See page 20 for more Slivers!
20 Tuesday, November 23, 2004 To Hell With Georgia Yee-Haw
matching accessories for a striking
statement.
Te burlap sack. Trifty, sheik,
and sophisticated, the burlap sack
is a key piece to anyones wardrobe.
Easily layered with current trends or
efortlessly cut for desired ft, the bur-
lap sack is sizzling this summer.
Popped collars. More and more
students are turning up their collars
this winter. Tis simple fashion craze
is a simple way to update a preppy
polo look. Girls play up this trend
with a pearl necklace.
Hiking boots. A perfect comple-
ment to the overall or burlap sack
look, hiking boots are vital shoes to
own this season. With the campus
extending in all directions, hiking
boots provide traction crucial to
making the trek between classes.
With students looking to others
to inform their fashion awareness
this winter around campus, follow
these hot new trends to look just like
everyone else.
Fashion
from page 19
Rednecks move into digital age with Hix
By Rhett Neck
Not a Nerd, Dammit!
I hear theres games out there
that aint football. I had my doubts
about any game being as much fun as
football but I went to fnd one anyway
in the name of journalism.
I gotta say I learnt lots from check-
in out new games. Didja know that
theres this newfangled thang out
there they call
a computer?
It has these
t hi ngs on it
called internets
where you ken
have this thang
called e-male
and send letters
to yer friends
that have com-
puters to. Not
only that, you
ken play games on it. Even foot-
ball.
It took months and a buddy from
Teck (but dont tell anyone that) fer
me to fgure out how to work this
here contraption, but it wus worth
it. Tis one company Maxis makes
summa these games.
One of their games is called the
Sims, and its an absurd little thang
where you have to control people,
feed em and tell em when to piss and See Hix, page 21
www.nique.net/sliver
sliver
Everybody should go see Das
Experiment. Rockin fick.
Roll over for a chick, she ignores
you, call her fat, she dates you
- I dont get it.
What a JP
What a GayP
I like stealing JPs stuf and not
giving it back
to those shamefully ill-man-
nered twits at the poetry read-
ing: it is improper etiquette to
noisily rustle your
news & world report during the
discourse! at least feign some
cognizance of the arts when
SIDEWALK ~= BIKEPATH
DAMMIT!!!
To all of the nerds in Alpha
Kappa Psi..stop talking in class
just to hear yourselves talk...
youre all huge nerds...the rest
of us are ready to leave class
and you keep asking damn
questions!! Were
only dorks write slivers
i hate when people get all
conceited because they lose
weight...everyone can lose
weight when they start throw-
ing up all their food
Kudos to the girls on campus
who restore my faith that at
least a small percentage are not
afected by TBS.
...and to those that say TBS is
an excuse used by guys who
cant get a date, etc. etc...
i say...this is TBS defned: a
girl wants to copy your notes
before a test but wont even give
you the time to help you with
studying for the test...
stop submitting websites.
I absolutely cannot play FPSs
with console gamepads
If I used a keyboard/mouse, I
would pwn in Halo
What to do with budget? Cut it
so we dont have to pay more
Better yet why dont you just
take $10 of mean professors
salaries?
My slivers tend to come in
chunks
Last week I almost had two
boxes to myself ;)
Note to self: never do a politician
under any circumstances
See page 24 for more
slivers
that sorta
thang.
A n d
you have
to get em
jobs and
m a k e
sure they
keep em.
I caint
even name
one real
person I
know with
a job like
any they
haveall my friends fip burgers or
shovel dung at their pas farm.
Anyway its a hard game, too
many durn buttons to push and too
much strategery involved.
My person kept croakin on me.
So a coupla months ago, this here
company Maxis put out a game
called the Urbz, where the Sims go
to the city. Its even worse than the
original one, wut with big buildins
and lots of streets covered in this
black stuf. No
dirt or animules
in site. And still
too many durn
buttons.
I wanted a
game that was
easier and had
people like the
ones I know.
I wanted one
so bad that I
even figgered
out that e-male to tell them Sims
maker people they needed to make
...I learnt lots from
checkin out new
games. Didja know
that theres this
newfangled thang
out there they call a
computer?
Yee-Haw To Hell With Georgia Tuesday, November 23, 2004 21
a game for people like me and my
friends.
Parently, there wus lots of com-
plaints cuz lots of people thought it
wus hard so I wasnt the only one who
sent one of those e-male things.
So they made a new game right
quick with people on farms. Its
called the Hix, and it is cooler than
a polar bears hindquarters. And
thats cold.
All you gots to do is sit there and
watch the little people go. You ken
tell em when to drink there beer and
when to milk their cow and when
to go huntin or muddin and when
its time fer football.
Tat aint too much to do and it
aint hard cuz its the same thangs I
do every day. Plus, none of em got
fancy jobs they gotta do. Tey all do
stuf I know, like tractor drivin and
animal tendin.
Sometimes it gits hard like when
the wifey asks fer money, but thats
like life too.
So fer all you folks that got one
of them computer thangies or know
a fella with one, go fnd the Hix.
It teaches valiable life skeels and I
heer that computers make you look
smartur.
Tats all I got fer now. Next
time Im gunna try and fgger out
wut exactly Hix and Urbz and Sims
mean. Maybe I ken go ask one of
those internets somehow.
Hix
from page 20
Wed like to hear from
you. Write us a letter.
opinions@technique.gatech.edu
Roadkill makes yummy in your tummy
By Hal Itosiz / no time For bruShin
This here is anot her example of t he yummy roadkill gourmet creat ed
by t he Roadkill Cooking class. On t he plat e is some grilled squirrel
and dogmeat lasagna wit h a side of veggies.
By Didma Brother
I Like Squirrels
Dr. Harry Paratesties teaches
students the art of nailing live ani-
mals with their car and still leaving
enough meat to have good open pit
barbeque.
At frst I felt bad once I smacked
over that Frat dog, but after we slow
roasted him and shared him with the
Frat boys everything was gud, said
Jimmy Mullet.
Te class might sound like it is
unstructured, but there are few rules
the students must follow. Students
are not allowed to hit people. While
there have been some occasions
where people have been hit, they
were not cooked, just left on the
side of the road.
Cats got the best favor to em,
but the squirrels are the most plenti-
ful, you just gots to be careful not to
leave too much tread on em. Tey
aint gots lots of meat on their bones
said Mary Bea Ballsey.
Te students this semester have
been having a great time. In honor
of the newest Fraternity Kappa Ep-
silon Gamma they have created a
new recipe.
KEGs House Dogs Ribs
1 Saint Bernard
Beer (for favoring)
Barbeque sauce
Step 1. Let the dog loose in the
middle of campus
Step 2. Get shitfaced and get into
the drivers seat and start driving.
Step 3. Hit the dog.
Step 4. Inspect the hit, if still
moving run over repeatedly until
dead
Step 5. Bring back to house and
drink more
Step 6. Cover in barbeque sauce,
roast, drink more, cover in barbeque
sauce again
Step 7. Enjoy your dog
Crossword puzzle
By Gene Poole
Smarty Pants
Tink yer smert? Tink yer an
in-tee-lechule? Give this toughy a
try. Careful, thisuns harder to do
than yer Turf Management home-
work. But its funner too. If ya caint
fgger it out, thats ok cuz we aint
sposed to be too smert anyway. Some
sez we shouldnt have one of these
confoundin thingies anyway.
DIRECTIONS:
Write your answers in the box
with the same number as the clue.
Te answers on some clues will vary
as there are no wrong answers, but for
some clues there is only one answer.
If you get stuck, you can look at the
answers, but thatd be cheating and
you dont want to do that and be like
those Auburn bastards.
CLUES:
1. What is your name?
2. What is your favorite color?
3. 20th letter of the alphabet
4. 3rd vowel, alphabetically
5. To __ with Georgia! (hint: those
Techies say it a lot)
6. Spurt we kick ass in (no matter
what happened with Auburn)
7. Dirty deeds done __ __ (2
words)
8. What this puzzle isnt
9. What are you thinking?
Give up? Well we got answers fer
ya. Teyre on the next page. Im
just too derned smert for most of
yall, aint I?
See Solutions, page 22
So [Maxis] made
another game right
quick with people
on farms. Its called
Hix, and it is cooler
than a polar bears
hindquarters. And
thats cold.
22 Tuesday, November 23, 2004 To Hell With Georgia ComiCs
NoN Sequitur by Wiley
DaveBarry
Copyright 2004, The Miami Herald.
Distributed by the Tribune Media Service
All the news not ft to print
Today we have some urgent breaking news,
defned as news that happened at some point in the
past year and we just now found out because were way
behind in our mail.
Our frst breaking item, brought to our attention by
alert reader Don Bovaird, is an alarming
report in the May 28 Erie (Pa.) Times-
News, which devoted most of its front
page, and an entire inside page, to this
story. What happened, in brief, was that
an 18-year-old male got sick and defecated
in . . . well, in his briefs. He then changed
at a friends house, put his soiled clothes
in a black garbage bag, and threw the
bag away.
Now in normal times, this would not
be front-page news, even in Erie. But of
course we do not live in normal times:
We live in the Age of Stark Buttpuckering
Terror. In fact, the day before the young
man soiled his undies in Erie, U.S. Attorney General
John Ashcroft had issued one of those vague yet at the
same time unhelpful federal terrorism warnings that
boil down to: Be afraid! Be very
afraid!
So the nation was on High
Random Fear Alert when the
young man disposed of his poopy
pants.
Unfortunately, he elected to
toss the garbage bag next to a
municipal reservoir, where he
was spotted by an Erie Water
Works employee, who found the
bag and reported it to the police,
who closed all the streets in the
area and called out the Bomb Squad and the Hazardous
Materials Response Team.
Te Water Works department shut down the reservoir
and warned the public to conserve water, a move that
caused concerned residents to deluge the police with
phone calls.
After several tense hours, police apprehended the
young man, who told them what was in the garbage
bag. Tis was confrmed by the Bomb Squad, and I
think we can all agree that no matter how much those
ofcers get paid, it is not enough. So life in Erie returned
to normal for everybody except the young man, who is
currently in a Guantanamo Bay cell surrounded by irate
military dogs.
No, seriously, he faced minor charges, and were
sure hes doing just as well as youd be doing if you were
the subject of a front-page newspaper story informing
the world that you managed to paralyze your city after
doodifying your drawers.
But let this story serve as a reminder to all of us: If we
ever have a similar accident, we should NOT dispose of
our underwear in a careless manner.
Instead, we should to quote U.S. Department of
Homeland Security director Tom Ridge mail it to
whoever is responsible for the TV show
Wife Swap.
Our next piece of breaking news is a
short newspaper item sent in July by alert
reader Doe Clark.
Te article, headlined Ofcials Crack
Down on Bathtub Cheese, begins as
follows: San Diego County health of-
fcials warned against buying or eating
cheeses made in bathtubs that were being
sold door to door.
It is not totally clear, from this word-
ing, whether it is the cheese that is being
sold door to door, or the bathtubs. To
be on the safe side, we urge residents of
San Diego County to avoid both bathing AND eating
suspicious cheese, lest you wind up becoming ill and
producing what gastroenterologists refer to as an Erie
Special.
In international news, we
have a truly disturbing item
from the Daily Yomiuri, an
English-language Japanese
newspaper, sent in by alert To-
kyo reader Howard Weitzman.
Tis item begins: An 83-year-
old professor emeritus has been
arrested on suspicion of attack-
ing and injuring a salesman with
a sword after the man ofered to
fx his sewage pipes.
Te article states that the professor, Tatsuo Chubachi,
was at home when the salesman came by and ofered to
fx his pipes, at which point Chubachi produced the
sword and slashed the salesperson on the buttocks. Te
professor was arrested on suspicion of, among other things,
violating the Firearms and Swords Control Law.
Tis story should remind all Americans how lucky
we are to live in a nation (America) where we have a
constitutional right to keep and bear swords to protect
ourselves from those who would repair our sewage pipes.
We also have the right to vote for our leaders, which leads
us to our fnal breaking news item: Apparently theres
going to be some kind of presidential election this year.
Somebody should look into this. Not us: We have to use
the bathroom.
What happened, in
brief, was t hat an 18-
year-old male got sick and
defecat ed in... well, in his
briefs.
ComiCs To Hell With Georgia Tuesday, November 23, 2004 23
DiLBert by Scott AdAmS NoN Sequitur by Wiley
NoN Sequitur by Wiley
Dave Barry
Copyright 2004, The Miami Herald.
Distributed by the Tribune Media Service
Nothing fshy about trout
Tere comes a time when a man must go into the wilder-
ness and face one of Mankinds oldest, and most feared,
enemies: trout.
For me, that time came recently in Idaho, where I go
every summer.
Many people think Idaho is nothing
but potato farms, but nothing could be
further from the truth: Tere are also
beet farms.
No, seriously, Idaho is a beautiful state that
ofers to quote Emerson nature out
the bazooty.
Tis includes many rivers and streams that
allegedly teem with trout. I say allegedly
because until recently I never saw an actual
trout, teeming or otherwise.
People were always pointing at the water
and saying, Look! Trout! But I saw
nothing.
I wondered if these people were like that
creepy little boy in the movie Te Sixth Sense who had
the supernatural ability to see trout.
Anyway, on this Idaho trip my friend Ron Ungerman
and Ungerman is NOT a
funny name, so lets not draw
undue attention to it persuaded
me to go trout fshing.
We purchased fshing licenses and
hired a guide named Susanne, who
is German but promised us that
she would not be too strict.
Susanne had me and Ron Unger-
man (Ha ha!) put on rubber wad-
ers, which serve two important
purposes: (1) they cause your legs
to sweat; and (2) they make you
look like Nerd Boy from the Planet Dork.
Ten we hiked through roughly 83 miles of aromatic
muck to a spot on the Wood River that literally throbbed
with trout.
I, of course, did not see them, but I did see a lot of bloop-
ing on the water surface, which Susanne assured us was
caused by trout.
But there was a problem. To catch trout, you have to
engage in fy casting, a kind of fshing that is very
challenging, and here I am using challenging in the
sense of idiotic.
When I was a boy, I fshed with a worm on a hook, and
it always worked, and I will tell you why: Fish are not
rocket scientists.
Tey see a worm, and in their tiny brains they think, Huh!
Tis is something I have never seen before underwater!
I had better eat it!
But with fy casting, you wade into the river and attempt
to place a fy a furry little hook thingy weighing
slightly less than a hydrogen atom on top of the water
right where the trout are blooping.
You do this by waving your fshing rod back and forth,
using the following rhythm, as explained to us (I am not
making this up) by Susanne: CO-ca CO-la, CO-ca CO-
la. On your third CO-la, you point your
arm forward, and the fy, in a perfect
imitation of nature, lands on your head.
Or sometimes it forms itself into a snarl
that cannot be untangled without the aid
of a chain saw AND a famethrower.
At least thats what kept happening to
me and my friend Ron Ungerman. (Yes!
Ungerman!) We stood there for hours,
waving our rods and going CO-ca
CO-la, but most of the time we were
not getting our fies anywhere near the
blooping. Te trout were laughing so
hard at us that they considered evolving
legs so they could crawl onto land and
catch their breath.
But Susanne was a good teacher, and very patient, and
fnally, just when I thought I would never ever catch a
trout, it happened: I got a cita-
tion for not having my fshing
license with me.
Really. I left the license back
in the car.
Te Idaho Fish and Game of-
fcial who cited me was very
polite, and so was I, because
he was wearing a sidearm. I
considered asking him if I
could borrow it to shoot a trout,
but theres probably some rule
against THAT, too.
As the day wore on, our eforts CO-ca CO-la; CO-
ca CO-la took on an air of desperation, because it
was becoming clear that Susanne, a true professional,
was NOT going to let us leave until we caught a bloop-
ing fsh. So you can imagine how blooping happy we
were when Ron (Ungerman) fnally managed to haul
in a trout. It was not a large trout. It was the length of a
standard Cheeto.
But it WAS a trout, dammit, and it meant we could
stop.
Later, Ron and I agreed that it had been a lot of fun and
we would defnitely never do it again.
So, to any trout reading this column I say: You are safe
from us. And to the Idaho Fish and Game Department,
I say: Youll never take me alive.
The t rout were laughing
so hard at us t hat t hey
considered evolving legs so
t hey could crawl ont o land
and cat ch t heir breat h.
Crossword
Answers
SpUrtS THWUGA Tuesday, November 23, 2004 23
DiLBert by Scott AdAmS NoN Sequitur by Wiley
24 Tuesday, November 23, 2004 THWUGA SpUrtS
quick
spurts
Football confused
by lack of rain
U[sic]GAs football team contin-
ues to insist they will be playing in
the SEC Championship in Atlanta.
When they went to the Georgia
Dome for a practice yesterday,
confusion broke out. It was raining
outside the dome, but the feld was
dry inside. All of the football players
immediately were confused, moved
to Atlanta and deemed it the city
that never has rain.
Gymnastics fips
out over decision
Te Gym Dawgs were extremely
upset by the elimination of the one
meal plan. Historically gymnasts
have received hundreds of dollars to
spend on ribbons and training boot
camps instead of having to eat at
the cafeteria. New NCAA regula-
tions require all students to eat. Te
gymnastics plan on a hunger strike to
protest. Of course no one will be able
to tell when it actually starts.

Tractor pull will
begin on Tuesday
Since the monster truck rally was
a long time ago, its time for another
big time event. Te tractor pull will
take over campus this Tuesday. Tis
years them is beer, beer and John
Deere. If you get drunk, itll be good.
If you get really, really drunk, itll
be better.
Tere is a lot of glory and pride
involved in this competition, espe-
cially the drinking part.
Horses and heifers make cheerleading
By Phil Macaque / i reAlly like it
Wit h t he recent cheerleading scandal, t he squad has been accept ing anyone and everyone who want s t o
j oin. A couple of t he new addit ions have been put on t he squad j ust in t ime for basket ball season.
By Yo Mama
She likes my spurts
A recent revelation that cheerlead-
ers have been discriminated against
at U[sic]Ga has led to a slew of new
members joining the squad.
I knew that having to memorize
an entire book of the Bible for tryouts
seemed strange, but now I know the
truth, and I want all my friends to
rise up and cheer with me as well,
said Rachel Slur.
Slur stood up to the cheerlead-
ing coach at the school, refusing to
follow the majority who followed
the coachs every instruction.
I just kept telling the coach that
she was wrong and that isnt right
and everybody should be able to
cheerlead, Slur said.
School spirit soared to new
heights when the coach was fred and
Slur was let onto the team without
a tryout.
At least a dozen people and ani-
mals showed up the following day
and talked about the discrimination
they had experienced.
When asked about this star-
www.nique.net/sliver
sliver
Putting a condom on a banana: educational. Deep-throating a
banana: inspirational.
Note to self: bitch less.
Why be the gossiper when you can be the gossipee?
Lose your load. James Taylor
True love means never having to say youll swallow.
When people yell get naked at football games, to whom is the
order directed?
meowwwww! says Caroline!
Matheson 4th Floors Rocks my World!
Spent last night studying the Big Oh for CS class.
See page 27 for more Slivers!
tling decision, Bill E. Goat said,
BAAAAAHHHHH. Roughly
translated, that means, Baaaaah-
hhhh. Tis certainly sheds some
light on the subject. It should be
noted that Bill may have been happy
when he said this.
Many farm friends quickly
joined the rally to become cheer-
leaders. Tree horses showed up
and protested that they had been
discriminated against for their views
and were immediately placed on
the squad.
I know discrimination when I
see it, and this was as clear of a case
as Ive seen at the University[sic],
said Michael Adams.
Along with the horses, a multi-
tude of heifers made their presence
felt as they invaded the cheerleading
ranks.
Us heifers, we may be large and
we may not be usually seen as cheer-
leaders, but we have got some junk in
the trunk when they be playin the
funk, said Amanda Jones, a third-
year Turf Management major.
Approximately twenty-fve heif-
ers showed up at president Michael
Adams pad to protest and were
automatically placed on the team.
In a possibly related story, three
former cheerleaders, who also
dropped by the protest at Adams
fy crib, have disappeared.
All I can say is that when us
heifers get hungry, we be likin to
eat some lean meat, especially when
theres some ketchup and [stuf]
around, Jones said.
Te new members of the cheer-
leading squad were not the only ones
happy with the decision to form a
more diverse squad, Adams also had
an opinion.
I really like a big ass, and these
were some of the fnest asses Id ever
seen, Adams said.
Of course, the donkeys often
have a difcult time with dance
moves, but they have a lot to add
to the squad.
THWUGA has been informed
that cheerleading tryouts have been
extended as a result of the improper
behavior of the former coach.
Adams has decided to take over
the squad for the rest of the season,
himself. Some may worry about his
qualifcations, but Adams seems
unconcerned.
I may not know very much about
cheerleading, but I certainly know
a whole bunch about scandals, so
I feel this is my area of expertise,
he said.
SpUrtS THWUGA Tuesday, November 23, 2004 25
Athletes receive A for play
By Chugga Beer
Professor of Athletics
Upon further review of the
U[sic]GA curriculum, the admin-
istration has decided to broaden the
majors eligible for those athletes com-
peting in varsity studies. Athletes will
now be able to major in their sport,
which will require them to obtain
60 hours in order to graduate.
Due to recent NCAA changes,
we have decided to broaden our
athletes horizons, said U[sic]GA
president Michael Adams. We
realized that we were not going to
be able to keep our athletes eligible
for their specifc sports with the
strenuous time commitments of
TGM (Turf Grass Management)
and Basket Weaving.
Tese changes will most efect
the football and basketball teams.
Te football team will be required
to take 12 hours of football and 24
hours of weightlifting along with
12 hours of classes they wont know
they are enrolled in, 6 hours of PE
electives and 6 free electives.
All of these classes will be on
a single-letter grading system of
A. Tis will be equivalent to an A
elsewhere on campus, but will help
alleviate confusion.
Tey only be teaching us about
the letter A in the free elective, and we
be getting confused by other letters,
so this helps us out, I reckon, said
Deans List Football Star Michael
Adams Jr.
Tis pales in comparison to the
difculty placed upon those who will
be majoring in basketball. Basketball
will require 6 hours of basketball, 12
hours of weightlifting, 3 hours of PE,
and 39 hours of classes they wont
know that they are in. Attendance
for these classes will not be required,
but will be encouraged.
Tese changes, along with supply-
ing athletes with pencil and paper,
are hoped to bring up U[sic]GAs
academic ranking up to 118th among
D-1 schools.
Of course, there are problems
with this new
system, especial-
ly with the pencil
provision.
I had done
got s t a bbe d
about 14 times
t he f i rst day
my teammates
had some pen-
cils and [stuf].
Tose mothers
be dangerous
for everyone to
be carrying around. Tis one dude
even stabbed himself three times and
that hurt, Adams Jr. said.
Obviously, the NCAA has decid-
ed to take a look at these new majors,
but have failed to make an ofcial
statement on them. Current NCAA
president Myles
Brand was con-
fronted outside
of his ofce ear-
lier this week
and asked about
the academics at
U[sic]GA.
We are al-
ways suspicious
of U[sic]GA,
but as long as
they are win-
ning and draw-
ing in money for me I dont care, said
Brand. Well have to evaluate their
performance after next season to see
if we have to take any action.
By Notso Lively / Sleeping With the teAcherS
The new, st ringent academic requirement s are t iring out student
at hlet es quickly. Luckily, t his classwork is ent irely volunt ary.
Submit a sliver and well print
it in the paper! Go to www.
nique.net/sliver, and express
your feelings!
By Hung Wei Lo / AS All my SiSterS knoW
Things have gotten so bad that U[sic]GA has started felding teams
in spurts other than football, like feld hockey and even lacrosse.
Spurts are Hurtin
By Bobbby
U[sic]GA Spurts Columnnist
Ever since Mama done spelt my
name wrong at birth with two few Bs,
Ive been havin some problems.
My sister dumped me when I was
seven-year old for my other brother
who was sixteen. She say he got a
tractor license and I didnt.
Tats the story of my life, she
was my only sister, and I didnt have
anywhere else to go.
Well, see, the Dawgs is my only
team, and I just dont know where
Im headed these days.
We lost to freshmen quarterbacks
at Tennessee and then Auburn
whupped us. Coach even said they
whupped us.
As my job, Im supposed to do
spurts analysis. Well, the spurts
arent going too well for me lately.
A lot of times, things arent coming
out right at all.
Tis was going to be the year for
us, but we just keep on losing.
Te hoop team is not even on the
television this year. Tey keep saying
the FCC has rules against showing
indecency, and I agree our team just
isnt decent.
Of course I dont have a television,
so this is irreverent to me.
With all this bad spurts, I dont
really know what to do. When I told
someone about these spurts, they
recommended I go to the College
of Computer Knowledge (COCK)
advisor for help.
I dont know what this would
do, as every time I go to the COCK
I just end up turning around and
leaving all sore; these people just
keep upsetting me.
So, theres little help on campus
for bad spurts, but I have a good idea.
I hear from a fellow spurts columnist
that Auburns been cheatin, and
they do good. And hes really good
when it comes to spurts, so I think
I suggest cheatin.
This one dude even
st abbed himself
t hree t imes and t hat
hurt
Michael Adams Jr.
Dawgs football player on
giving players pencils
26 Tuesday, November 23, 2004 THWUGA SpUrtS
TECHNIQUE
Name
Address
City State Zip
Please make check payable to Technique and mail it with
this form to
Technique
ATTN: Subscriptions
Georgia Tech
353 Ferst Drive, Room 137
Atlanta, GA 30332-0290
Te Souths Liveliest College Newspaper
30 issues/year for $35 (mailed bulk rate)
By Frank Abagnale
I come in spurts
Te Georgia Dawgs lost to the
Auburn Tigers. Not only was it a loss,
but we was killed 24-6, raped more
like it. Something just dont make
cents. So here is the only possible
explication: they cheated.
Te way I fgure it, theres no
other way we could lose that bad. It
just aint possible. Tere are so many
ways that Auburn can cheat, just look
to the passed for
examples, and
I just going to
mention a few.
Firstly and
foremostly, Au-
burn paid the
refs, and it dont
just have to be
money. Sure Au-
burn probably
slipped them the
benjamins, but
what about other
non dineroical
things. I bet Auburn gave them
alcohol and whores, too.
Not only that but what about
the players. I swear I saw some NFL
players playing in that game wearing
Auburn jerseys. I mean we all know
that those NFL players sign for
millions coming out of college, but
then immediately they spend it all
on bling-blingSUVs, gold chains
(and gold teeth), NIKE shoes, fancy
foods like tofu and fl-A-minion.
Then they come to realize,
[Shoot] guys, I spent all my dough.
What I going to do now? Ten one
day they get a call from Auburn say-
ing theyll be paid good money to
come play against the Dawgs, just
one game. Well of course they have
no other choice, because they are
practically indentured cervantes.
So then on gameday Auburn goes to
their players in the locker room and
says, Hey guys, theres a big surprise,
an early Christmas gift, in that jani-
tors closet over there. Just walk-in,
but dont open your eyes till we tell
you. Once all the players are in,
their coach closes the door and locks
it. Ten he fushes the key down the
[toilet]. Next,
the NFL players
are secretly let in
the backdoor to
the locker room.
All right guys,
you know the
drill. Put on the
uniforms and
get warmed up.
Youre going to
be playing the
Dawgs , t he
coach said. Ten
he starts to walk
out the door, but just before he makes
it out, he says, Oh yeah, the Dawgs
sent you guys a note. It says you all
are a bunch of [pansies], so go to hell.
Teyll keep your mothers company
while you dead.
Tis seriously pisses of the NFL
players. I mean pissed. Teyre like,
Lets go kick some serious ass. We
not leaving till we personally smack
everyone of them bastards.
So the NFL guys go out and
play one hell of a game, and beat
the Dawgs 24-6. Tats how it hap-
pened. Teres just no other way
the Auburn Tigers could beat the
Georgia Dawgs.
Auburn cheats!
Auburn probably
slipped t hem some
benj amins, but what
about ot her non
dineroical t hings.
I bet Auburn gave
t hem alcohol and
whores, t oo.
Title IX trouble put to pasture
By Luck / photoShop iS like mAgic
In desperat e need of anot her sport t o balance t hings out for Title IX, a girls cow riding t eam has quickly
formed. No experience is needed, but t he coach would prefer young ladies who always ride hard.
By Moe Losses
Spurts fan
While Title IX has been prob-
lematic for universities across the
country, U[sic]GA has no such
problems complying with these
regulations.
Last week when a football player
wanted a scholarship for his friends
cousins girlfriends uncle, the num-
bers looked as if they were going to
be a problem again.
Te football player threatened
to leave the team if this essential
scholarship money was not quickly
found.
To make the delicate balancing
act work out, a girls cow riding
team has been added. At frst the
girls were going to ride horses, but
the administration found out that
equestrian is a synonym for horse
riding.
A quick-thinking administrator,
Associate Dean of Making Sure
Football Players are Happy Mike
Green responded to the news by
suggesting a diferent approach.
Well, if we cant get the numbers
right by letting them ride horses, we
already got a hella lot of cows, and I
think the girls could probably ride
them, too. Plus it would be damn
cheap compared to the insurance for
riding bulls, Green said.
We knew that girls had been
pushing for more outdoor sports
for years, and this was the perfect
opportunity to expand our horizons
while ofering improper benefts to
football players as is standard at this
fne college, said Dean of Making
Sure Football Players are Happy
Herschel Walker.
Do you like to write? Come write for
us! Weekly meetings on Tuesdays at 7
p.m. in Room 137 of the Flag Building.
SpUrtS THWUGA Tuesday, November 23, 2004 27
Also, as the football team has no
rings to sell from an SEC Champi-
onship game this year, funding for
essentials for the football program
such as steaks,
a l cohol a nd
promi scuous
women looked
to be tight. Tis
is no longer a
problem with
the surplus of
hoops funds.
Besides, the Dawgs dont need
real players. Te six new walk-ons
look fantastic.
One walk-on from North Georgia
is a goat named Bill E. Goat. Al-
though fans might be skeptical about
the academic qualifcations of this
goat because he was home-schooled,
be assured that the U[sic]GA athletic
department has taken care of any
inconsistencies
in his transcript.
He should have
no problems
ftting right in
with the other
athletes.
Bill E. Goat
also has some
basketball abil-
ity. His skill set
is similar to that
of Dook guard
J.J. Reddick.
They both
shoot the ball well while showing
little else in other facets of the game.
Also, like Reddick Billy is blindly
loved by Dick Vitale. In the current
issue of ESPN the Magazine, goat-
boy, as his teammates have begun
to call him, was picked as one of
the diaper-dandies to watch in the
coming season.
In a related story, goat-boy
was actually recruited by Coach
Mike Kryzewszwkiykqzitxbmzi of
Dook as a possible heir-apparent to
Reddick.
It is difcult to understand why
he would turn down a scholarship
at Dook to walk on the team down
in Athens. Perhaps he heard about
Coaching Principles and Strategies
of Basketball, a fantastic class that is
regularly ofered at U[sic]GA.
When asked about his star-
tling decision,
the goat said,
BAAAAAH-
H H H H .
Roughly trans-
lated, that means,
Baaaaahhhhh.
This certainly
sheds some light on the subject.
Te other fve walk-ons have yet
to be determined. I can tell you
this, if they can walk, then theyre
going to be on, said Felton.
Tryouts will be held continuously
until these students can be found.
It is preferred that each applicant
be willing to receive a degree in
four years, regardless of education
background.
This should
be a fun team to
watch. Te Daw-
gs start the regu-
lar season this
week with games
against Western
Kentucky and
Nevada. Ne-
vada lost its star
player, which is
very lucky for the
Dawgs.
Tese games
should be good
tune-ups. Te team can learn how
to deal with crushing defeat before
they travel to Atlanta to face that
Tech school next month, a game
which could result in U[sic]GA
being shutout for the frst time in
the history of their program.
Season tickets are on sale for all
of the Dawgs games this year. Te
rumor is that several Kentucky fans
have already bought these to follow
their team, but none have been
bought by UGA fans who seem to
have forgotten that a basketball team
even exists.
Goat
from page 28
BAAAAAHHHHH.
Bill E. Goat
Freshman hoops star
[Billys] skill set
is similar t o t hat
of Dook guard J.J.
Redick. They bot h
shoot t he ball well
while showing lit tle
else in ot her facet s
of t he game.
Hoops star found and lost
By Buy / See you lAter
Ult imat e t hrows a behind-t he-back pass during an int ense game.
If you see him on campus, please alert Coach Felt on immediat ely.
By Bye
I love spurts
Dennis Felton thought hed
found the answer to all of his prob-
lems. A few players short for the
hoops squad this year, Felton saw
what may be the crown jewel to his
recruiting class that already includes
Bill E. Goat.
I saw him throwing this frisbee
kind of thing, but everyone around
kept on talking about Ultimate; I
know this guy must be the Ultimate
one, Felton said.
When asked about Ultimate,
Bill E. Goat said, BAAAAAHH-
HHH. Roughly translated, that
means, Baaaaahhhhh. Tis sheds
quite a bit of light on the ability of
this talented player.
Te young man was playing an
intense game with friends in the
courtyard, and his athletic skill was
obviously far greater than any other
player currently on the squad.
Many have explained to Felton
that it is possible the bystanders
may have been referring to ultimate
frisbee, not the player. Felton does
not seem to care.
Look at the behind-the-back,
no-look pass this guy fred. Weve
got a picture of it if you dont believe
me. I have not seen a pass like that
since we were playing Kentucky last
season, Felton said.
Unfortunately for Felton, as soon
as he approached the player and said
he was the basketball coach, the
young man ran.
I think he was scared that they
were going to take away his eligi-
bility and put him on probation,
an anonymous friend of Ultimate
said.
Te anonymous friend added
that Ultimate already has better
weekend plans than playing inter-
collegiate basketball. A few pretty
good parties were mentioned to
THWUGA.
Of course, it would be against our
policy to talk about these parties,
but we would like to mention that
the best of these parties is allegedly
BAAAAAHHHHH.
Bill E. Goat
Freshman hoops star
at the Spurts Editors house next
Friday night, with immediate family
members and farm animals advised
to bring protection.
Coach Felton is still looking for
the young man, who he keeps calling
Ultimate, and has asked THWUGA
for a bit of help.
If you see this man around
campus, please tell him that were
willing to give him a new car and
anything he heard may or may not
have been given to any previous
players, Felton said.
www.nique.net/sliver
sliver
Gaby, te amo!-Guille
Did you know that Mr. Burdell donated almost u$s 50,000 to the
High Museum of arts last year?
One of the best things about GT is that everybody can express their
opinion... but some people should keep
Matheson 4th foor taught me all about the Big Oh.
the last page
SPURTS
to Hell With Georgia tuesday, November 23, 2004
by
the
numbers
0
Te number of SEC Champion-
ship games Georgia has qualifed for
in football this year. Tis is not the
frst time everyone thought the team
would be there, and it is not the last
time that the team will not live up
to expectations. Tis also happens
to be the number of classes, on
average, the Georgia football team
attends weekly.
1
Te number of fans at U[sic]GAs
frst basketball game last, well, no one
has confrmed the game was played.
Te alleged fan, the mother of a new
player, fell asleep before she saw any
of the action and woke up when the
womens basketball game began what
she describes as several days later.
She has not been able to fnd her son
for comment, but received a letter
stating he may now be playing Halo
II instead of basketball.
2
Te number of points awarded
for a two-point shot in basketball.
It has been rumored that this years
Fundamentals of Basketball test
will have only one question, as the
previous years test was called too
long and too difcult by many
of the athletes in the class. Just a
hint, this years question will be,
How many points are awarded
for a two-point shot? Te answer
is two. It has been rumored that a
swimming and diving athlete can
read and would be willing to pass
this knowledge on to the basketball
and football teams.
C
Te test referenced in the previ-
ous question will be multiple choice.
Two, which will be the answer to
the question, will be choice number
C. Assistant Coach UGA VI com-
mented Rruff! No one knows
what this means, but it could be
very important.
4
Te number that comes immedi-
ately after C is especially important
this year. Just imagine how tough
it would be to count from C to fve
without four. In other news, an ath-
lete remembered a historical speech
with the number four involved. I
remembered when I was walking to
class the other day that some famous
guy, either Georgia Washington or
somebody like that, said something
about four scores. I scored four times
last night, but then my sister told me
I had to leave, said an anonymous
starting quarterback.
by
the
letters
A
Alphabets always seem to start
with the letter A. Amazingly over
one player on athletic scholarship can
identify this as a letter. A is also the
grade that every athlete received for
Fundamentals of Football. A senior
starter seemed surprised at this news.
I never went to class, but this As
a pretty good surprise for me, an
anonymous David Pollack said.
B
Basketball. In a scrimmage
yesterdays, the basketball teams
played boys against girls. Te girls
won the game by a score too big
for anybody to count, although the
boys did not score. Te boys did hit
a layup in halftime drills, though.
Tis was progress as Coach Felton
had yet to fnd a player of his own
to demonstrate how to earn points
for the team.
4
4 the record, we know that four
is not a letter, its a puncuation. 4feit
may be what the basketball team
decides to do in lieu of playing an
entire schedule this season.
By Anita Hardwon / too much?
The Dawgs have arrived at t he SECChampionship game. Unfortunat ely, nobody t old t he t eam t hat t hey
are not playing in t he game. Auburn and Tennessee players quickly resolved t he problem.
Why cant we play in the Dome, too?
By Jack N. Ofagen
Spurts are good
Te Dawgs have come to the
big city of Atlanta for the second
consecutive weekend for a football
game. Well, a few tractors broke
down on the way back from last
weekends loss, so some of the team
never left.
I dont know what the hell theyre
doing on the feld, said Auburn fan
James John.
Apparently, someone forgot to
tell UGA that they did not qualify
for the SEC Championship game
this weekend.
Its on the schedule they handed
out, right here, SEC Championship
Game, Atlanta, and they teached
us how to read these schedules
at the Agricollege, have to know
them to fertilizate the grass crectly,
yunderstand? said a Georgia en-
thusiast who identifed herself as
IloveDavidGreene.
Tennessee and Auburn had to do
something all too familiar to them
to get the Dawgs of the feld.
We whupped them once, and we
just had to do it again, literally, they
were too dumb to understand that
three teams cant play the game, said
Auburn star Bentley Williams.
Georgia fans booed loudly when
the SEC announced that their be-
loved Dawgs would not play.
I sold my tractor, my trailer and
I sold my t ract or,
my t railer and my
t ract or t railer j ust t o
get a t icket.
Otis from Mayberry
Dawgs fan
Highly touted goat walks on
By Juan Habonya / mAn of mAny tAlentS
Bill E. Goat may not seem imposing, but he has drawn comparisons
t o many well-known players across t he count ry. He is one of six
walk-ons t hat will be leading U [sic] GAs basket ball t eam.
By I. P. Aften
Spurts out of control
With a somewhat disappointing
football season coming to an end,
Georgia fans have very little to lift
their spirits.
Many believe that this is not
likely to change with the beginning
of another year of basketball.
Some may think that the Dawgs
B-Ball team actually looks quite
horrendous on the eve of the season.
Tey have very few scholarship play-
ers and a large group of walk-ons.
Te program certainly does have
some problems.
However, all the problems are the
NCAAs fault anyway. Tey should
never have made the Dawgs get rid
of their old coach Jim Harrick. He
knew how to recruit the old-school
waywith money and free grades.
U[sic]GA simply cant compete if
they arent allowed to do things the
right way.
In a recent interview, Coach
Dennis Felton said, Yeah, were
probably gonna suck real bad.
Tis may seem like the kiss of
death from your own coach, but
many, including this reporter are
more optimistic.
Although only about half the
current team is on scholarship, its
all right because that extra money
can be used to buy a star football
player a new SUV. His old one is
getting kind of beat-up from goin
muddin too much.
See Goat, page 27
AuBurN CheAtS
THWUGA knows the reason for the
Dawgs mysterious loss to Auburn. It
involves money, whores and more. Page 26
ShiNy oBjeCt CoNfuSiNg
A shiny, round, fat piece of metal has made
its way to U[sic]GA. Tere is rampant
speculation to its use and meaning. Page 17
my tractor trailer just to get a ticket
for this here Dawgs game, Otis from
Mayberry said.
Coach had said we was going
to Atlanta to the Dome, no matter
how we got there, said a member
of the Dawgs team.
Realizing the cost of the trip,
another U[sic]GA player thought.
Tis may be the frst time this has
ever happened.
Well, I had heard its expensive,
but I knew we was going to the game,
so I went ahead and sold my SEC
Championship ring for this year , ya
heard? Dan Romanian said.
Te buyer of the item, a die-hard
Dawgs fan, still believes the ring is
coming.
Folks be sayin Im dumb as a
Dawg, but Im gettin another ring,
Herschel Walker said.