CSI: REAL LIFE

written by A.J. Granger

REVISION 82 Scripped scripped.com February 10, 2013 Copyright (c) 2012-2013 A.J. Granger All Rights Reserved

INT. DINER WAITRESS Can I take your order? DETECTIVE CARSON Yes. I would like the chicken breast... HE REMOVES HIS SUNGLASSES. DETECTIVE CARSON ...without the chicken. BEAT, THEN THE WAITRESS SLAPS HIM. FADE TO: CSI: REALITY. INT. GREENHOUSE DETECTIVE TAYLOR Our victim was a herbologist who worked with this toxic plant. The plant fell apart, unleashing its poisonous toxins. The victim suffered from painful, and fatal, blisters. DETECTIVE CARSON Wow. I wouldn't want to be a member of that...Blisterhood of the...Raveling Plants. DETECTIVE TAYLOR Dude, shut up. His wife, also a herbologist, could have poisoned him. She was suspicious he was cheating on her, so she did a bit of investigating. Eventually she caught him, with another man, on tape. DETECTIVE CARSON Sounds like quite a... penis lie trap. DETECTIVE TAYLOR What the hell is the matter with you? Anyway, it gets worse, because the victim's penis had been cut off with a butcher knife.

2. DETECTIVE CARSON Talk about a... little chop of horrors. DETECTIVE TAYLOR Are you even a real detective? INT. MYRA CARSON'S LIVING ROOM MYRA CARSON David. I'm so glad you came. I have something to tell you. Myra wipes her eyes. MYRA CARSON I was going to tell you that Ryan and I were engaged, but he got his scarf caught in between the subway doors on his way to work and it dragged him and...he's dead. DETECTIVE CARSON Just as he was starting to get the...hang of his new job. What? MYRA CARSON

DETECTIVE CARSON Looks like the subway conductor could have used more... training. MYRA CARSON Are you making puns right now? My fiancee is dead! EXT. FARM DETECTIVE TAYLOR This man was reported missing six days ago. He had been feuding with a rival farmer. He was found out here, his genitals picked apart by roosters. Don't say anything, Carson. Hmm? DETECTIVE CARSON

DETECTIVE TAYLOR I thought you were gonna make a joke about roosters and cocks or something.

3. DETECTIVE CARSON Oh. I didn't even think of that. I guess you could say I was...cockblocked. LONG BEAT. EVEN LONGER. DETECTIVE TAYLOR Everyone hates you, you know. INT. MORGUE Detective Carson and Detective Taylor console two weeping parents. DETECTIVE TAYLOR We're really sorry for your loss, but we would like to ask you a few questions to further your investigation. THE FATHER Anything. Just tell us what happened. DETECTIVE TAYLOR Our investigation shows that your son was leaving the restaurant when someone snuck up behind him and knocked him unconscious with a blunt object. Then the killer removed your son's limbs. DETECTIVE CARSON I guess you could say that dinner...cost him an arm and a leg. DETECTIVE TAYLOR The killer then carved various disparaging remarks in his back. "Dirtbag." "Cheater." Some offensive remarks about his ethnicity. DETECTIVE CARSON I guess he was...adding insult to injury. THE MOTHER Are you making jokes about my son's murder?

4. DETECTIVE TAYLOR Just ignore him. He's the sergeant's nephew. Anyway, the perp took what we think is a baseball bat and smashed your son's ears, fingers, kneecaps, and arms. DETECTIVE CARSON He didn't even...bat an eye. THE MOTHER Can you stop? DETECTIVE TAYLOR Finally, the perp took out your son's eyes with an icepick and ejaculated into his sockets. He died of blood loss. THE FATHER If you say something like "he never saw it coming", I will make sure you can't even get a job as a mall cop, you stupid son of a bitch. BEAT, THEN DETECTIVES CARSON AND TAYLOR BURST OUT LAUGHING. DETECTIVE TAYLOR That was a good one! DETECTIVE CARSON I hope this guy's a serial killer, I want to use that one.