I Would Do Anything

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to graduate." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, '...I would do... anything!!!" He returns her gaze. "Anything?" "Yes,... Anything!!!" His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...... study?"

Getting a new deputy

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right." "What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Can I Buy You a Drink?

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Bubba's New Truck

One day, Jim Bob was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. "Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?" "Tammie Joe' gived it to me," Bubba replied. "She gived it to ya? I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya'll but a new truck?" "Well, Jim Bob' let me tell you wut' happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres. Tammie Joe' pulled off the road, put the truck in 4X4 wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba,ya'll take whatever you want.' ... So I took the truck!" "Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

Buba's Dead
A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesnt seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, I think Bubba is dead! What should I do? The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure hes dead. There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guys voice comes back on the line, Okay, hes dead.

Bubba and Jim Bob

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat .... and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, "Your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather wereborn in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumbass." A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

Maxine Almost Finds Religion

Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. She looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."

Two Men at the Pearly Gates

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Don't Leave 'Em Hanging

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out. When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"