Ramblings that I am not completely proud of.

CH1 Ive been me for my entire life for as far as I know. But even if I wasnt I dont think it wouldve made a difference. Sometimes I do things that in hindsight Id like to think Id never do. Does it mean that wasnt me? Sometimes the memories I forget are the important ones and I get sad. Like if it was me why cant I see it. Is this what Alzheimers is like? My grandfather has Alzheimers and he can only tell stories from his childhood and young adulthood. Does this mean hes the person he was then because those are the things he recalls? Or is he looking through a window? CH2 36 and a desire for tribalism thats how poems are written. Its been about 4 days since Ive seen you and you said to stay in touch or youd ruin my life. I dont think you could do that you said you loved me. I dont love you so maybe youre just trying to mimic my behavior. Im afraid to wade in the river today I could get frostbite and have to get my legs amputated. That cant be possible. Maybe then Id have an excuse to be an asshole. CH3 IM BLIND AND I CANT CHANGE MY DIRECTION. TURTLES ARE LOST FROM THE BEACH THEY WANT BECAUSE LIGHTS IN THE CITY RESEMBLE THE MOON. I AM THE TURTLE AND YOU WERE THE LIGHTS. I CANT FEEL MAGNETIC FIELDS LIKE SHARKS TO HUNT OTHER TURTLES WHO ARE LOST AS WELL. IM MORE COMPARABLE TO A JELLYFISH REALLY I FLOAT AND STING WHAT I CAN GET MY HANDS ON CH4 I used to say Im kidding after every joke. Now I just laugh afterwards and wait for them to catch on. Catching on doesnt always come easily. I still dont know why most things are funny. I feel bad for laughing at some things. Like death or racism. Id say things I dont believe to make someone laugh and they would look at me and say thats terrible with a grin from ear to ear.

Conclusion

Back to nature I could go without a penny to my name. I could wear a tie around my forehead and reenact Rambo scenes with my brothers or drink from a stream or something. I could drive until my car ran out of gas and I still had my foot on the pedal. Id learn to dig and dig and live in the loamy earth. Id try every plant and vomit later that evening knowing the purge only bolstered my knowledge of my enemy. Walking in a straight line Id never come to a crosswalk. I would act like a bird, jump and flutter and pick insects from the ground and then apologize to every cricket I caught. Catching fish with my bare teeth then realizing I hate fish would be a regular occurrence. I cant hunt another man so Id only chase my tail for a challenge. On my death bed call me an animal and feed me too livestock so I can let them all taste the nutrient rich mix Ive become.

.Escape. I had a box of crickets once. There was a small hole in it. Several escaped. I squashed them. The rest I flushed down the toilet. Who won?

.Peace. The first day I was in New Mexico, It rained. This is more a statement of fact than a poem.

.Comedy.

If your such I nice girl, Why dont you love me, Bitch.

.Dog. Someone told me That dogs cant see Color or time I guess thats me Im not a cheater I just cant tell how long you were gone Or remember the color of your eyes.

.Falling in love. Over And Over And Over.

.Olday. Just because I open doors for you, Doesnt make me a push over, Just because Im nervous to kiss you, Doesnt make me a prude, Just because I cant talk when were alone

Doesnt mean I dont think of the right words the entire day. This poem seems like it should have a beautiful background behind it

.untitled. Conniving bastard I am, I hardly noticed You stepped into the light And flitted away again A specter in the age of Edison.

.Untitled. Their livers scream And mine only whimpers Their lungs drown And mine only wheezes Gravity is what you make of it I guess.

.unknown. The elephants in my chest are bursting out, And I dont care I dont care, The seams keeping my eyes in my head are coming loose, And I dont care I dont care, Im already burning

Fuck this poem it isnt even the truth

.Inside. Id like to blame my father for every part of myself I dont understand. And love

.Tapestry. Vomit on a denim jacket, And piss smelling carpets, Trains depart away from this trailer park nightmare, Theyre not me Choking on bazooka, Red velvet interiors, Havent we crashed? Empty smiles on the porch, Alone on the emerald leather, I saw their eyes their hands shaking in their pockets And I still screamed. Id seen it a thousand times illuminated by the abrasive yellow of cold street lights The soft pink of the clouds still stings. But Im done screaming

18 I dont know the rules in beer pong and Ive never been drunk I almost fell on the table with the first arced toss. I dont smoke Cigarettes and never will Half a pack gone. I havent had a good walk in two months 6 miles later still not tired. I cant say no to sex I dont want to take advantage of you Isnt what she wanted to hear. I dont want to be alone The fire was more entertaining than the people warming their bones beside it. If this is the moment where I realize Im growing up Then maybe watching for traffic wasnt such a big concern.

Poem for general butt- naked

Sitting on a bloody throne the visions come, where I ought to be forgiven but taken lightly, my children might lay their eyes upon the bodies and know the truth I see.

.shut up. Silence never fixed a fucking thing I told myself that but never proved it I was too busy complaining about The way you kept giving me the silent treatment

You didnt use the word superfluous right So dont be a dick

.not a rebel. Wearing a leopard print house coat and you still look frigid When I said turn left it didnt mean to run a red light and almost T-bone a car Fuck were lost Okay I admit it was the best sex Ive ever had. I still dont think I love you.

.times new roman. I wish I was featureless not a single crevice or abnormality Not a beautiful thing to look at Not a single outstanding feature Just a white noise body And a blank stare So maybe youd hear my words and ignore my teeth.

Credit for the awesome cover photo goes to Dave Hudson Note from the editor (austin davis) rad