BARDO OF KYLE: Writings of a Bored Twenty-Something (2012 - Feb 2013) By Kyle Eldridge

I WANT TO HIGHLIGHT THE: arabesque quality of life fractal perception spiral galaxies cyclones of nature whirlpools of thought mineral seashells expressions of the golden ratio cellular feedback

SOLITUDE self imposed exile living in, inner, innards, inwards in wards, in words. living alone, surrounded by all becoming, destroying, manipulation, mutilation. my loneliness puts grand ideas in my head. they are only grand when fleshed out. need some meat on the bones, some jewels on the thrones, some sorrow in the moans, im silently screaming albeit serenely

THERE SHE WAS there she was sitting back straight air of royalty golden hair lidded eyes half smile i think she likes me i think i like her we just sit and stare waiting for each other two play the game

SLEEP soft blankets caress me, in my fetus bed, sing me lullabys, walk me to the other side, as i lay here, revelling in the revealing, of my dream-self

BEER a warming sensation in the body, a relaxed state of the minds, thoughts swirling in a sea. malleable, moreso than before playful, more freedom impermanent, more true cycles, circle of life, condensed.

AFTERNOON SHOWER breaking point of humidity droplets burst like buds, under their own weight dislodging migrating nomadic changing of forms slaves to gravity and magnetism bow to the adaptability and strength of H2O

JOHN COLTRANE frenzy mad frenzy lines creating labyrinths, forming tangents, suggesting harmony. searching for a goal. mad dash to home plate, old home or new home, a destination. a love supreme.

LAZYNESS im so lazy i cant even walk to the store for cigarettes, and i have none prioritizing inaction above all else, sometimes a virtue, most times not.

UNCASHED CHEQUE my cheque sits here, waiting to be cashed. liquefied solidified materialized what will i spend the money on? what do i need? what do i want? what is useful? what is a hindrance? maybe i should just give it away

MY ROOM my room is always messy i clean it sometimes but never finish sometimes i clean a portion well and sometimes i clean the whole thing half well but never to the point where i would call it clean i dont know what my opinion is on messy rooms

RADIO radio is good background noise its like tv you can zone out on it or ignore it sometimes i listen to the moose fm which is really horrible i hate myself for listening to the moose but i think its kind of funny my mom has won the moose morning challenge like 8 times i think thats hilarious the last question she answered was "what are adults still afraid of that they feared as children?" the answer was balloons i dont think thats hilarious i know it is

BODHISATTVA when i was 13, i called a girl i loved a bodhisattva. i think that was so sweet, it makes me laugh and smile because i was so sincere

I LIKE GIRLS i like being around girls i love to see them laugh and smile or to be quiet and sad or to have a far away look in their eyes like they are deep in thought i want to hold a girls hand and be innocent sometimes its really easy to be innocent

BRAINSTORMS WITH JEFF _______ meyer (ask jeff what the first word was) vomit overspray pungent torpedo fuck my memory is bad we came up with about 10 really good names i can only remember 2.5 i will ask him i hope he remembers a few more (postscript: it was bootleg meyer)

GETTIN HIGH i think doing cocaine is stupid but i do it sometimes it gives a feeling of forward momentum i like drugs that give a feeling of stillness alcohol does both but it is unpredictable i like smoking pot when im on dilaudid and sipping tea i dont feel guilty about that

BROKEN broken across the back like a bullwhip of depersonalization feeling the swelling wounds throb and fester into puss sacks jutting out of the landscape of skin and and aversion to touch by all matter broken like a tower wearing the garment of explosives that that didnt know what was coming in a fit of rage kill the things you love smother the things you hate and wait for them to regain consciousness within you

THURSDAY thursday night feeling, a fuck it in the air. rolling cigarettes, the heaters friendly glow. orange-red. take me to a dream where i know nobody and feel content in my solitude the clock will mock the talk will also mock my self my friends whats real its a joke

SHROUDS what is not a compromise life? death? rebirth? something is lost what is found? is it worth it? i dont know what i have or what i can endure losing i am high in the clouds removing my shrouds in the sun. of the moon.

PITY a wet hot night with a saxophone in my ear feeling a tear. not knowing if its happiness or sadness, the resistance from defeat or the thing in itself. i want a whiskey drinking woman. the song wants to dance. i want to cry. i forget how in this climate. everybody wants pity, i want nothing. i will take whatever you got but i wont ask you for your pity.

CHAMELEON the lazy beat of a miles davis song brings out a chameleon in me. it changes colours with the changing chord tones. superimposing, suggesting. the reptile centers itself in my skull void and null but still, the chance of mutation, creation, obliteration.

GETTING READY and it was spoken that when 12 oclock rolled around i was going to get out of here, the time was ripe as juicy plums with wrinkled pits. liquid running down mountainous cheeks onto tender breasts with lactation. sticky sweetness like ejaculate spurts bouncing off the teeth. o yes i was going to get the fuck out and in style too. i would wear my new black hat and everything would be alright. the lucky hat. i never put it on the bed, always threw it on the floor. so here i am wanting to go who knows where for who knows what reason except to get out. fast. lightning speed will be necessary. thunder, footsteps of god lightning, bolts of zeus. zinging through the dawn into tomorrow. shooting the pistol into the future dividing air into more basic molecules constituent parts. the twilight has lifted now i am ready for a perilous quest it will take a keen interest and a solid vantage point to stay calm.

in the open there is all to see and all can see me. but i am not one to be seen, i am the sea, i am nothingness encased in somethingness. vast empty expanses are the norm. everything is black at a certain depth, and the pressure also increases. the farther down i dive, the less i see, the more i feel. so this journey is that of an idiot. retrograde action retribution syrupy bass tones and jellyroll saxophones twirl around me like fireflies. like spiders trying to scratch their asses. like the laugh of a retard. like real soul. like bacon and eggs and homefries with an orange and a cup of coffee refilled 4 times. the old times. the good times. now times. meow times. cow times. moo moo

PSYCHONAUTS PREDICAMENT confusing inner for outer cause for effect remedy for poison soul for symptom

FRAGMENTS when will i be able to put my elephants in their cages and sleep well my fires burn like radiant jewels in deep caverns creating crystal structures of ash and reptilian smoke your persian tiger eyes cut me like glass and i bleed a resinous tar i remember the dream image and write it down dont ask why

SLEEPY DIRTBAG i sleep too much, i think it has something to do with having no window in my room. i wake up and have no idea what time it is. when i flick the switch time is frozen. i get under the sheets and rest my head on the soft pillows, smelling my body odour and inhaling deeply. i want to get a shower but its been so long, i want to set a new record for myself. it has been 11 days. my skin is toxic. if you touch me you will get chemical burns. i am used to it but you have not built the immunity to beer and cigarette sweat like i have. i am stronger because of it. if i get a shower i will probably get sick. without my armour of odour i am nothing. i will become one of them. this is me walking away from society. i am protected by musk. my greasy hair provides lubricant on lonely nights and when i pull back my foreskin the smell burns my nostrils

and excites me. when i sweat i itch. my armpits are perpetually moist. i wake up in pools and go back to sleep.

TOPOGRAPHY OF TODAY AND TOMORROW white china green africa america with specked seas and lines of blood canada with a leaf floating on the lake mexico with its rich dirt the people of the world salting their wounds palatable pain zooming from all to universe solar system to world continent to country village to family circular motions to the geography of the body and the cartography of self hair follicles like reed rhizomes lacerated skin erupting lava slug tongue peninsula penis swamp ass star eyes cave nose crevices, peaks and valleys jungles, deserts and tundra inner lakes vein river systems electric impulses ZAP!

FUBAR my nerves are a tripwire. my eyes are a smoke screen. my heart is an incendiary device. my soul is an atom bomb. i throw grenades at imaginary foes, barricaded in the catacombs, and wield a rocket launcher, preparing for the attack.

PREMONITION OF RIVERS AND TIDES the one armed juggler with the mathematical mind calculates angles and vectors, pondering the physics of technique and anatomy, discovering the majesty of natural law he submits to the flow, repeating one word in his mind. whoa whoa woe.

COLORS blue, the sea red, blood green, blades of grass purple, drunken bruise brown, dirt yellow, pissing in a snow bank black, power outage white, steamed rice orange, carrot rainbow, life

FACEBOOK drank my last can of beer 4 hours ago wide awake alone chain smoking drinking water in a coffee mug listening to nirvana scrolling through facebook hoping someone will talk to me maybe i should say hi to so and so maybe so and so wants me to leave them alone maybe so and so is waiting for me to say hi maybe so and so hates me maybe so and so loves me i will never know for sure so maybe i should stop thinking about it and just say hi

DEPRESSION depression is a bitch i can vouch for that. it makes you lie in bed and just think about the monumental task of brushing your teeth. everything is a chore. everything is boring. everything is shit. it sucks. i know. i want to understand. i want to overcome. i want to help. maybe this is a fucked up thing where im actually talking to myself but its another person im saying it to.

DONT i dont make demands i dont make promises i dont do what i should i dont know what i want i cant see past the fog of self i know puddles are truer than mirrors i dont make sense

I MISS THINGS i miss walking around town late at night in a tshirt i miss eating percocet by the handful i miss drinking beer on the beach i miss smoking pot in the basement i miss playing my guitar as loud as i want i miss going next door to my friends apartment and watching people play video games i miss you and you and you and you and you too summer is coming summer is coming

MATURITY listening to a band that i used to hate but dont anymore feeling proud of how much i have matured

IM NOT COOL when will i learn that its not cool: to be a drunk or a junkie or to read books by drunk junkies or to like jazz or even acid rock or 'hallucinogenic country music' or to use kerouac references or to admire people in a kerouacian way or to list my vulnerability as one of my 'redeeming characteristics' or to defend insanity as a 'viable alternative' or to describe psychedelic sessions in which i believe i experienced 'ego death' or to play freeform 'jams' on guitar thru fuzz pedals disregarding ABAB song structure or to let kittens playfully nibble at my toes while laughing and smiling and feeling happy or to say fuck it and quit my job for no real reason or to stay in bed for a day and a half every fortnight or so or to be shy and withdrawn one minute and overly exuberant the next or to try and pass off my 'experimental blues rock' as 'avant garde sound poems' or to take over-the-counter sleep aids and herbs known for their anti-anxiety and sedative qualities or to say i like certain aspects of religion or to really believe the world is anarchy and chaos or to perceive inapplicability or to say or even think 'im bored' or to desperately want richly symbolic dreams and sometimes have them or to openly praise my friends, being sincere whether they know it or not or to buy big bottles of whiskey or to switch from Patsy Cline to the Sex Pistols on a whim or to re-read my favorite books over and over and sometimes last chapter first or to say 'i dont know' or 'its too complicated' when the answer is important to the person asking or to ponder the socio-political consequences of LSD use in the 1960s or to smoke Pall Mall cigarettes because they are the cheapest, not because Kurt Vonnegut smoked them or to like 'the idea' of transcendental meditation but never practice it or to enjoy things that make me sad

or to occasionally see things meant to make people happy as silly or to think having kids is okay as long as you understand they are smarter than you and love them unconditionally or to stare catatonically at bad drywall jobs and dents in hardwood flooring, not caring about workmanship just shapes and chance and colors or to make proclamations that Ozzy Osbourne lyrics are mystically profound or to feel really bleak when i know i should be excited about life or to not 'be myself' sometimes and almost use that phrase then chuckle at the absurdity of it or to like Jung more than Freud or to watch youtube for hours when i have stuff to do or to not put cds back in their cases or to even use cds when an ipod would be much easier or to sometimes 'hate' 'smart' people or to not talk to my parents enough or to talk to my parents too much or to idolize black, left handed guitarists with big afros and big amplifiers and sexually provocative stage moves and messages of love or to be indecisive about whether to call a girl pretty or cool, when i should probably say either both or nothing or to say nothing when i want to say something or to want to take back things that i said, knowing its just selfishness or to wish i was rich or famous not to be rich or famous but simply to have more opportunities to meet interesting people or to laugh just cause everybody else is laughing or to laugh just cause no one else is laughing or to laugh to make someone feel comfortable or to laugh to make someone feel uncomfortable or to laugh when im alone or to cry in company or to want things i cant express in any way or to write poetry

JIMI tufts of afro hair jutting out into the misty air. suspended animation like a dead body on the seabed. caressing the hot summer like a glass of fine wine. heaving to and fro, into the unknowing force of matter. the sticky wind on his face as he strums the big e. launching into voodoo child with a vengeance. he means it. he wants to fuck all those white girls. he says sorry for wasting our precious time, but he gave it all back. heard a story about a red velvet suit and a vomiting turtle. no joke. over dinner jimi was the cool one, drinking, laughing, smoking. jolly wild man of borneo. he was always ready to play. inseparable from the gitbox. slept with the thing. told it white lies so it would inform him of the secrets of existing. with his waterfall nothing could hurt him at all. positively stone free and all the while not necessarily stoned but beautiful.

RAMONES the ramones were cool. they wore leather jackets, and got their name from the beatles. their music has a lot of energy their songs are fast and their guitars are crunchy they also released a cover album of 1960s hippy music and called it 'acid eaters' thats badass. john frusciantes cover of the ramones song today your love, tomorrow the world is also badass

WAITING FOR TOMORROW rationing cigarettes alcohol sleeping pills instant coffee food water waiting for the apocalypse that never comes maybe tomorrow? 2012 is gone 2013 is boring where are the zombies? maybe tomorrow? im ready