BALROK AND THE BEACH CREATURE

CHAPTER ONE
It was a slow day in the Cave, so when Balrok strolled into the TV room with the air of someone who had a big announcement to make, Webberly was happy to mute the TVshowing an old documentary about the haunted lemonade stands of Beverly Hillsand turn his attention to the demon. A quick nudge from the fact rat woke up No Name, whod been dozing on the couch, an empty bottle of Jumbo Jack Daniels cradled in his arms like a delightful baby. Balrok hesitated, his pose fraught with drama, waiting for the perfect moment. When he could sense that the excitement in the room was just about to peak, he said, Everyone, I have an important announcement to make! No shit, dude, rasped No Name, frowning at the unexpectedly empty bottle in his grasp. Webberly nodded. Yeah, spretty obvious. You know, body language and all. Balrok forged ahead, undeterred by the almost hurtful lack of breathless anticipation in his audience. Creepy KOFY Movie Time has reached a milestone in audience share. According to the latest figures, last nights broadcast of The Impossible Kid drew in slightly over 100 viewers! Possibly slightly under, its an inexact science, but the number 100 was definitely mentioned! His audience of two cheered listlessly. Balrok continued, Yes, Weng Weng always draws a crowd! Thanks to him, weve broken that important 100-viewer barrier, and to thank you all, Im taking the Cave Crew out for a day on the beach! The cheers took on a distinct tone of genuine enthusiasm this time. No Name awkwardly wrangled himself into a more or less upright posture and said, Beach day, awesome! Which beach? Laguna? Pismo? Rockaway? Shell? That one beach from the movie about that beach? What the fuck was that called, like Beach Movie? Balrok nodded amiably. Close, so close! Our very own Ocean Beach, located conveniently close to the Cave and with the added advantage of not being fictional! Webberly hesitantly raised a hand. Isnt Ocean Beach kind of narrow, and public, and freezing cold most of the time?

The demon would not let his good mood be harshed, and bulled onward. Its the best beach weve got around here. Well have a giant bonfire, I can guarantee good weather, and crowds will absolutely not be a problem! The empty bottle clattered to the floor as No Name stood relatively upright, swaying only a little. Fuck the details! All I need to know is, are the girls coming? The girls will absolutely be there, said the grinning demon. Out-fuckin-standing! No Name kicked the bottle under the couch. Then lets get moving! Balroks grin lost a little wattage. Its, uh, not until Saturday. Out-fuckin-standing! the zombie repeated with undimmed enthusiasm. Ill be in my room. He staggered off in that general direction, leaving Balrok alone with Webberly, who clearly had more questions. What is the beachs general policy toward rats, especially very large ones? I dont want to have to spend the whole day waiting in the car or a holding cell or some government death lab. Balroks gaze was caught by the television, where a pair of young children were running down the street past expensive-looking houses while an invisible force pelted them with lemons. Tearing his eyes away as the show cut to an interview, Balrok said confidently, Dont worry about a thing. That Charm of Awkward Politeness Ive been working on is finally finished. Wear it around your neck, and anyone who has a bad reaction to your rodential presence will find themselves feeling too uncomfortable to bring it up, and will soon rationalize you away. He held out a small amulet to the fact rat, a 5-cm metal square on a leather thong, engraved with a stylized image of several people holding cocktail glasses. Two of them had very tense body language, while the thirds fly was open. Webberly took it from the demon and hung it around his neck, fingering it doubtfully. This will really work? Absolutely. Social awkwardness is one of the most powerful forces on Earth. Nine out of ten people sitting on a bench in the park, you could walk right up to them wearing a hockey mask and carrying a roaring chainsaw and saw them in half, and theyd just sit there and take it because they were afraid to cause a fuss in case it was some kind of reality TV stunt. Webberly frowned skeptically, but if there was one thing hed learned about humans, it was that they were weird. All right, Ill take

your word for it. Guess Id better locate myself some beachwear. Ive never been to a beach before. Is it safe to assume Baywatch is a pack of lies? Balrok nodded. Yeah, dont count on seeing anything like that, especially in Northern California. SoCal will get you a little closer. Although there may be a surprise or two in store for everyone, buddy. He winked, and hurried away in a flourish of robes. The fact rat stared after him thoughtfully for a momentsince when did Balrok wink?then returned to his TV viewing. He was just in time to catch a priest sprinkling a crudely-built lemonade stand with holy water. The camera zoomed in on the mans terrified expression as the sign over the stand toppled toward him, an ominous shadow falling across his face, and then abruptly cut to commercial. Webberly looked guiltily back and forth before hitting the record button on the DVR remote. He switched everything off, and scurried away to his room to do some on-line shopping.