Arrogant Musings on Subjects I Know Nothing About

The Inner Swine Guide to Living on the Street

by Jeff Somers

THE INNER SWINEs GUIDE TO LIVING ON THE STREET

First and foremost, grooming is the key to everything. Actually, grooming is the key to everything. Now, coming from me, today, this is a bold statement, since I may well be the least groomed man on the planet. But you see, I havent yet fallen so low that Im living, penniless, on the street, have I? Not yet. So I dont have to be groomed, except on special occasions when people much more mature than I are in position to judge me, and a quickie trip to the barber has to be arranged. But take away my immense riches, the loyal staff here at Camp Levon, and my incisive charm, and grooming would suddenly become much more important. People judge you on your appearance. These days its harder to determine whos rich and powerful and whos not, because rich and powerful people tend to dress like shlumps, but if youve got money and position youll throw them around if you have to. And theres a difference between the fashionably grungy person with a job and the crazy-haired bum with imaginary beetles crawling out of his nose. And believe me, the store managers and hotel workers of the world know what it is. Lets face it, when youre homeless your number one problem is that you have noplace to go, in terms of shelter, yes, but also in terms of just having a destination. Wandering around with no destination is psychologically as well as physically scarring, so your first goal is to locate places you can get in out of the rain, sit for a bit, relax. If you look like Charlie Manson and smell like a dungheap, there isnt a store or cafe in the world thats going to let you walk in and hang around, seeking to steal some leftovers off tables and dry off. On the other hand, if youre neat, somewhat clean, and sane-looking, youll probably be allowed to spend as much time as you like anywhere. Bookstores with cafes, hotel lobbies, all sorts of shelter is suddenly available to you if you look groomed. While not ideal, falling asleep in a comfortable hotel lobby chair while pretending to be waiting for a guest is a lot better than being frozen to death outside. Or consumed by rats. Of course, when youre penniless and lack easy access to indoor plumbing, grooming can be a challenge. Heck, I have some money and my own bathroom, and grooming is a challenge. There are a couple of things to consider: 1) clothes, as in keeping them clean and presentable; 2) staying clean and deodorized; and 3) evading the elements.

PIGS, lord knows I will eventually end up homeless. Its inevitable. With the booze, the laziness, the increasing levels of OCD, and my tendency to lose my pants, its only a matter of time before Im scraping together change for fortified wine and examining cardboard boxes with the same judgmental eye I use on brick and mortar real-estate today. Ive had several psychic flashes showing me in middle-age, flowing gray beard, wild eyes, wearing a greasy overcoat with a bottle of Piper Down in one side pocket, and while it frightens me a little, theres also a warm flash of recognition, so I figure Id better get off my ass and start Its a slippery--if preparing to be homeless. glorious--slope from I mean, theres got to be a process for this mild-mannered drunkard sort of downfall. While many homeless to street person people are likely psychotic and drugaddicted, explaining much of their decline and fall, some must have started out with at least a decent shot. A family, a place to live, a public-school education, and the chance to at least grind out a joyless existence working minimum-wage labor jobs. Instead, theyre on the street dragging shopping carts of crap around and muttering about invisible enemies. Theres got to be a definable slope theyre sliding down, and if you can identify the stops along the way you can be prepared for living on the sidewalks of the city yearround. Since I can see this future very clearly, I have decided to consider the problem and be prepared. Im not Howard Hughes, so when I go insane I will be pretty much on my own, family and friends and even TIS employees will likely pause only to carry off whatever isnt nailed down when I finally descend into muttering insanity, climbing the walls of my bedchamber and scratching at imaginary beetles. So itll be the streets for me after I elude the men with the butterfly nets and climb out the window to make a break for the highway, pausing to ask passerby if they wouldnt mind taking a moment to scrape some beetles off of me. Knowing this, Ive spent some time contemplating my future life and what steps can be taken to make it as productive as possible. I mean, okay, you wake up one day and your empire is gone and youre out on the street with the clothes on your back, no money, friends, or employment prospects (because of the beetles that have formed a nest in your brain, continuously crawling out of your ears and nostrils). What can be done?

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1. Clothing is essential. Not only that it protect you from the elements,

but that it be a) season-appropriate (nothing screams I AM A LUNATIC HOMELESS PERSON more than you cooking in a heavy overcoat in July) and b) reasonably clean. Now, were lucky that we live in a golden age of sloth, and people now wander about in wrinkled, slightly worn clothing on purpose. There was a time

when keeping your clothes in presentable condition was an expensive prospect, but no longer! If you can plan ahead, Id suggest strongly you hit your new home (the sidewalks) with a carefully chosen ensemble that straddles casual and formal: casual pants like khakis, shoes you can walk in, a dress shirt, sports jacket, and overcoat. This sort of outfit can be adjusted up or down the formal scale depending on your needs, and is a layered ensemble so you can ditch the coats when its warm and add them on when it gets cold. As for keeping your clothing clean, if you can, choose dark colors. Black, Navy Blue, that sort of thing, which will hide dirt for a little while. Then, descend into the world of petty larceny and engage in the age-old art of laundry theft: Not stealing other peoples laundry, but stealing their laundry time. Bundle up your clothesobviously, a second set of clothing would be necessary for this, but your laundry outfit doesnt have to be anything special, attractive, or presentable and wait for someone to start a load of laundry and then leave the laundromatthat last part is essential. Then, calmly remove their laundry from the washer and dump in your own clothes. Dont wait for the whole cycle to finish; just let it go until the rinse cycle and then extract your soaked clothing. Then you have a choice: If its warm out, you can put on your soaked clothing and air-dry for a few hours, wandering around. If not, or if this doesnt appeal to you, perform the same theft with the dryers, carefully stealing just ten or fifteen minutes from various dryers. If you do this late at night and are careful about it in a large laundromat, you shouldnt have any trouble. And if you do, you just stole about fifty cents from whoever catches you, so its doubtful youll get more trouble than a few curses and threats.

3) Part of the secret, and the whole

point, is to get shelter. Aside from being exhausting both physically and mentally, wandering around all day long also means youre going to get soaked by rain, frozen, baked, and blasted by whatever Mother Nature decides to unleash that day. Aside from your health, your precious, carefully chosen and cared-for outfit will suffer. Its a cruel circle, in a way: Youre grooming yourself in order to attain shelter so that you can maintain your grooming and thus gain more shelter. However, if shelter of a more I have detailed plans for a mansion made entirely of large permenant nature is denied you, seek whatever you can find. Stay out of the appliance boxes. rain in bus shelters, doorways, subways stationswherever. A newspaper can be a very good prop for when you have to stand around public places for hours, waiting for the snow to let up. People are much more suspicious of strangers just standing there staring at them than people quietly reading a paper, waiting for a friend. Because what it all boils down to is looking like a prosperous member of society, instead of something stuck to the bottom of the worlds shoe. Look vaguely solvent and clean, and there are a million public and semi-public places you can take advantage ofincluding many restaurants with booths near the exit for those desperate dineand-dash moments. But those restaurants and stores and galleries and museums and bus terminals wont offer you anything more than an energetic rousting by the cops if you look like youve been living on the streets, for gods sake. You see this every day: Pathetic, downtrodden people who just want to get in out of the cold, for gods sake, are pushed out of the train station in my hometown every goddamn daythe Hoboken cops and the Mass Transit cops keep shipping them back and forth between New Jersey and New York, without dignity, without kindness, without even the chance to make a case. And why? Because they look like bums. If you ever find yourself on that thrilling tobaggon ride downhill into the gutter, my friends and Im of the opinion that we all hold a sweaty, half-folded ticket to that particular ride, whether we realize it or notyour last best defense against complete disdain on the part of society, unfortunately, will be your clothes, your hair, your smell. Let them decline at your peril. THIS BEGS, I suppose, the question of why, if I believe this, I still dress like a mentally-challenged man let loose in the Thrift Store. The answer is complex and unhappy, just like me: I am clothing-blind, in many ways. Often I will wake up on the morn of some special day, dress with great care and complete respect for the solemnity of the occasion, and upon presenting myself to The Duchess I received the sort of pitying look usually reserved for injured kittens and fools. I just cant help myself. But you can bet that when the Somers fortunes hit the

2) Staying clean is a bigger challenge, but is absolutely essential. You can get away with a

lot in this society, but if you look dirty people will treat you badly no matter what else youre doing right. Common theft can get you the various tools of hygiene: A razor, soap, toothpaste, etc. A small plastic bag with these items carried with you at all times will allow you to take advantage of plumbing facilities when you come across them, which is what Id recommend. You never know when an unattended bathroom is going to be all yours for an hour, so be ready to strip off your shirt and wash up whenever you get the chance. Your baths will almost certainly be of the sponge-bath type, with you standing in various states of undress sponging yourself off. This of course is potentially embarrassing as well as a sure ticket to being kicked out and blacklisted from an establishment, so you have to be careful. A public restroom that is normally locked up over night is probably your best bet, if you can locate one with a weak lock and few bystanders. However you manage it, manage to look clean and doors will magically open for you. Wandering around dirt-encrusted and smelly will only get you unwanted attention. And, lice.

rocks, and my booze-addled money-handling leads me into Debtors Prison, Ill get religion fast. Real fast. And then I will be the bestdressed bum in your local Barnes & Nobel Cafe, elegantly stealing halfeaten sandwiches from the tables, borrowed books in my coat pocketstime enough at last. Doesnt sound so bad, actually, when I think about it at work. And remember, when you see me there, be kind and toss me some spare change, bubba. Or Ill follow you home and shiv you.