themuddler.smu@gmail.
com Volume Two Issue 3 & 4
Inspired by the Dr. Pep-
per/Axl Rose wager, the Yum!
food corporation has offered
to give everyone in China a
free egg roll if China be-
comes a democracy by January
2009. Citizen interest has
faded, however, after learn-
ing dipping sauce would cost
extra.
Barack Obama was recently
elected in large part be-
cause he promised to radi-
cally change the policies
of George W. Bush. However,
Obama’s recent trend of
dressing like Bush and hang-
ing out with him is cause
for concern. But sources
close to Obama claim there
is nothing to worry about.
“Mr Obama has merely been
charmed by Mr Bush. As soon
as he has a couple of ‘mid-
day beers’ with President
Bush, the infatuation should
fade . . . we hope.”
Christian Slater’s “My
Own Worst Enemy” was can-
celled. Only two people
noticed: his mother and his
alter ego.
Plaxico Burress shoots
himself in the leg. When
asked why, he responded, “I
wanted to do hood rat things
with my friends, but it
backfired . . . . Oh, shit!
Backfired! Get it!”
The Muddler 1
NBC, Macy’s “Rick Roll” the entire nation
NEW YORK-- In one of the most
well executed prank’s this coun-
try has ever seen, NBC and Macy’s
got an unsuspecting nation of
viewers to watch a live perfor-
mance of the song “Never Gonna
Give You Up” by Rick Astley—
resulting in the largest-scale “Rick
Roll” ever.
“Rick Roll-ing” involves the
playing of Rick Astley’s song
“Never Gonna Give You Up” while
an unsuspecting victim watches
hoping to see a funny video of a
cat riding a Roomba or a monkey
riding a segue. The victims, more
often than not, are disgusted by
Atley’s ludicrous dance moves
and ridiculous voice in one of
the cheesiest music videos ever
made.
NBC, whose coverage of the
Macy’s day parade gets millions
of viewers every year, planned
the prank so precisely that many
of the viewers did not even real-
ize that they had been pranked.
So when a much-aged Astley
stepped out and began the
dulcet tones of his one
hit wonder, America
was a nation stunned.
“Is any venue
safe?” asked many
stunned view-
December 2008
ers. “I mean, I expect this kind
of thing from youtube, but NBC?
Really? If I wanted to be pissed
off by watching TV, I would
have tuned into “My Own Worst
Enemy,” that ridiculous Christian
Slater show.”
Others, however, were might-
ily impressed: “That was the best
“Rick Roll” ever! I’ve been “Rick
Roll-ing” people for years, but
I’ve never caught so many people
off-guard all at once. It was amaz-
ing.”
Either way, the prank was
one of the most massive pranks
since the Chicago Tribune printed
the front page story “DEWEY
DEFEAT[ED] TRUMAN” and
the most surprising since Justin
Timberlake and Janet Jackson
conspired to make TV regulations
more stringent.
The Thanksgiving Day “Rick
Roll” will no doubt . . .
“Never gonna give
you up / Never gonna
let you down / Never
gonna run around and
desert you / Never
gonna say goodbye
/ Never gonna tell a
lie and hurt you . . . . “
Ha, you’ve been “Rick
Rolled,” bitches.
Good Christian Dear Mr. Cornwallis,
Advice is written My friends all want to see Twilight tonight, but I
by syndicated col- told them it’s stupid. Opinions?
umnist Christian
-Surrounded by Simpletons
Cornwallis who has
been imparting his
vast knowledge on Dear SS,
those in need for What the fuck is Twilight?
many years for the ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
general better-
Yo C-Wall,
ment of humankind.
Christian is cur- I was out peeping the crowds on Black Friday and
rently a practic- shit was wil’n out. My boys and I was straight gettin’
ing gentleman of mad dogged by the security guard at Marshall’s.
leisure and can be Why they always sweatin’ me?
reached at ‘themud-
-Wonderin’ Wanksta
dler.smu@gmail.
com’. If you have
any questions please send them with the WW,
heading Dear Christian or add him as your Were you and “yo boys” wearing anything that
friend on Facebook. might affiliate you with a gang? Perhaps the fact
that you were simply standing around outside such
a fine establishment as Marshall’s (I had to look up
Dear Christian, what this store was) caused undue attention. My
I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore. suggestion would be to clean up your style and dia-
I’ve spent the last 18 months of my life pushing lect, if that doesn’t work “ice dat foo’”.
for John McCain to win the Presidency. I broke up Fo Shiz,
with my girlfriend of 3 years because she wanted Christian Cornwallis
Obama, I sold my house and sent the money to Mc- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cain Headquarters, and I quit my job so that I could Dear Mr. Cornwallis,
spend more time putting signs in peoples’ yards. I am being held captive by pirates in Somalia. They
Now, I’m just lost. Please help. said I could send out one letter asking for the ran-
-Really Remorseful Republican som to be paid. I know my parents can’t cover it. Do
you think you could spare $2,000,000? If not, don’t
RRR, sweat it, I saw Pirates of the Caribbean like 5 times
You think you feel badly, I married a foreigner so and the life of pirates seemed pretty cool to me.
that she could vote for John McCain. I gave my -Casual Captive
workers the morning off so they could vote for Mc-
Cain, forcing me to drive MYSELF to Starbucks for CC,
my morning espresso. Do not tell me about sacri- Are you serious?!?!? You only had one letter to write
fice. and you chose to ask me? And for money? Honestly,
Disgusted, I don’t know why I’m responding to this letter, be-
Christian Cornwallis cause you’ll never see my column again. Sorry.
Best,

2 Christian Cornwallis
The Muddler
Tech Trends Become Cyclical: Expect
returns to VHS and Record Players
CUPERTINO, Calif.—A surprising,
new trend has begun to emerge
in the Tech industry. It seems old
technology is once again becom-
ing coveted by consumers.
According to Moore’s Law,
technology performance doubles
every eighteen months; although
recent consumer trends have
prompted technology com-
panies and providers to
reverse this trend.
It seems
8-track players,
Walkmans,
and the
Macintosh
128K have
been the
“hot
products”
so far this
holiday
season.
How-
ever, ex-
perts claim
that consum-
ers were only
responding to
the viral advertising
released by Apple—
the multinational consumer
electronic and software designer
and manufacturer, not the po-
maceous fruit (in case you were
confused).
According to Apple insiders,
as successful as the company has
been, it still has not been able to
avoid some financial difficulties
associated with the recent eco-
nomic downturn.
“Well, we had to release a
December 2008 3
number of creative engineers
from our hardware department
to try to remain solvent,” stated
Steve Jobs. “Obviously, that has
had an effect on our ability to pro-
duce new, exciting technology.”
Luckily, Philip Schiller, Apple’s
SVP of Marketing had an idea:
“We decided to market all the
old products we had sitting in our
warehouses—the iPod G1, the
Newton, the Macintosh 128K—
they’re all good. And best of all,
we’re selling them for a fraction
of what we would have to sell
new products.”
Like everything else, in technol-
ogy, it seems Apple is once again
leading the way, though experts
agree the trend is not likely to
last. As soon as the economic
trends reverse themselves, Ap-
ple—along with other technology
companies—will re-hire their cre-
ative engineers and begin produc-
ing new products. But, since
economic trends often
go through cycles, do
not be surprised if
old technology
starts appear-
ing again ev-
ery so often.
“It’s
already
proven to
be success-
ful once,”
claimed
Ulheim
Von Youst,
a prominent
technology
blogger. “So,
people will con-
tinue to milk it until
it doesn’t produce
results. That’s the way
things go.”
Until then, however, get those
phone lines ready, many of the
computers being purchased this
holiday season can only connect
to the internet through dial-up.
God, I hope the experts are
wrong. Who needs another fash-
ion industry? I don’t care what
anyone says, the Nehru jacket
like robot animals were never
worthwhile. Why would a second
go-around improve them?
 This Month in History: Creating a W
The Muddler, in order to promote aware-
ness of the past, has decided to create new
celebrations honoring past events in world
history.
December 1 – On this day in 1955, Rosa Parks defied
the law by refusing to give up her seat to a white
man aboard a Montgomery, Ala., city bus. Parks was
arrested, sparking a yearlong boycott of the buses
by blacks.
Celebrate by breaking other bus regulations, e.g.,
talk to the driver while the bus is in motion, don’t
bother with correct change, sit in handicapped
spots.
December 2 – On this day in 2001, Enron filed for
bankruptcy, alienating millions of stockholders.
Celebrate by cheating poor saps out of their hard-
earned money.
December 3 – On this day in 1947, A Streetcar
Named Desire opened on Broadway.
Celebrate by yelling “Stella!” in the middle of the
street.
December 4 – On this day in 1945, the Senate ap-
proved U.S. participation in the United Nations.
Celebrate by joining a club and generally ignoring
anything they recommend you do.
4 The Muddler
December 5 – On this day in 1933, the American Pro-
hibition period officially ended when Utah ratified
the 21st Amendment to the Constitution, repealing
the 18th Amendment.
Celebrate by drinking alcohol like it’s going out of
style.
December 6 – On this day in 1884, the Washington
Monument was completed.
Celebrate by admiring a phallic object.
December 8 – On this day in 1776, George Washing-
ton’s retreating army crossed the Delaware River
from New Jersey to Pennsylvania during the Ameri-
can Revolution.
Celebrate by posing as Washington in Emanuel
Leutze’s painting “Washington Crossing the Dela-
ware” in a Public place for a minimum of five min-
utes. If you leave a hat on the ground, you might
collect some coins as a street performer.
December 11 – On this day in 1872, America’s first
black governor took office as Pinckney Benton
Stewart Pinchback became acting governor of Loui-
siana.
Celebrate by throwing a party for a friend with
four names.
Whole New Set of “Happy Holidays”
December 13 – On this day in 1577, Sir Francis Drake
of England set out on a journey around the world. It
would last three years.
Celebrate by joining a band of Somalian Pirates
for three years of debauchery and pillaging.
December 18 – On this day in 1944, the Supreme
Court upheld the wartime relocation of Japanese-
Americans.
Celebrate by exercising a current U.S. measure
that will be seen as wildly inappropriate a few years
down the road.
December 24 – On this day in 1851, fire devastated
the Library of Congress in Washington, D.C., de-
stroying about 35,000 volumes.
Celebrate by going Guy Montague (the early
pages) on some books. Then undergo a transforma-
tion and memorize a book—1984 maybe.
December 25 – On this day in 1066, William the Con-
queror was crowned king of England.
Celebrate by seizing something that does not
belong to you (it should be easy; there will be plenty
of presents for the taking).

December 19 – On
this day in 1843,
Charles Dickens’s
classic Yuletide
tale, “A Christmas
Carol,” was first
published in Eng-
land.
Celebrate by
watching one of
the gazillion movie
adaptations of this
classic tale. Read-
ing is overrated.
December 28 – On this day in 1897, “Cyrano de
December 20 – On this day in 1860, South Carolina Bergerac,” premiered in Paris.
seceded from the Union. Celebrate by getting a nose job. It’ll make things
Celebrate by rebelling against your parents for much easier. Though it’s probably best you not fall
acting as your moral guardians. in love with someone whom you are related.

December 29 – On this day in 1890, the U.S. army

surrounded the a large number of
Sioux and massacred them. The
event became known as the Mas-
sacre of Wounded Knee.
Celebrate by not remem-
bering what happened, the
traditional response for any-
thing Native American.

December 2008 5
Monkey Grinder to SMU: Throw Me A Banana!
Dallas, TX – For many undergradu-
ates, the end of semester symbol-
izes freedom, fun and frolicking;
monkey business, essentially. But
for Paul Apely, a student wonder-
ing how to pay for Spring tuition,
‘monkey business’ yields a wholly
different understanding—one
that SMU refuses to tolerate.
“I tried to raise money by hav-
ing my pet monkey Alfred dance
and do magic tricks all across
campus. I thought I was doing
a service to everyone: instead
of people spending money on
Christmas booze, they can reward
Alfred for his amazing monkey
talents and help a lover of learn-
ing stay in school. I benefit, mon-
keys benefit, SADD benefits and
SMU benefits.”
That last one, at least, dis-
agrees. In an official statement
granted to The Muddler, an SMU
representative said, “While the
school supports legal and practi-
cal methods for obtaining tu-
ition money, we cannot permit
monkey-based panhandling on
campus grounds. Impression-
able students may be coerced
into investing hard-earned and/
or parental funds into a dubious
venture. SMU makes a policy of
avoiding undue liability and there-
fore requested that Mister Apely
cease his practice.”
Despite the decisive judgment,
Apely remains ever the entrepre-
neur. “I don’t care for this mon-
key discrimination, but I’m think-
ing I’ll hire some freshmen to do
a similar fund-raising act. There’s
not much difference between
them and Alfred, except for the
way you dress ‘em, but when in
Rome.”

A Special Muddler Plea for Help Request

Dear America,
I’m very grateful that The Muddler has given me
this opportunity to talk honestly about the state
of the auto industry here. I was approached
by my head of marketing who told me to plug
the *NEW* 2009 Ford Flex, and he asked me to
ramble on about the amazing 24 highway mpg
and comfortable seating for 7, but I said no. I
wanted this time to tell America that Detroit and
the Ford Motor Company are looking out for the
common man.
We are making our vehicles more fuel efficient
and economical and are just asking for a few dol-
lars from the government in return. Do you think
it’s cheap to develop a completely redesigned
Mustang for 2010? No! We have to live up to the
name that shaped much of our great nation’s
past.
car “thing” going, so if you like driving and
owning a car, you should be thanking my family.
Why not thank us for all we’ve done by send-
ing a check to the Car and Auto Society Help-
ers (PLEASE: abbreviate C.A.S.H). We’ll use the
money to increase benefits for our employees
which will make them more efficient employ-
ees which will allow us to produce better, more
affordable cars for you, the consumer. Checks
should be addressed
Ford Investor Relations
ATTN: C.A.S.H.
One American Road, Suite 1026
Dearborn, MI 48126-2798
Any little bit helps. Our jets need fuel and our of-
fices more comfortable chairs.
Thank you and God bless America,

Some people worry that the bailout goes against William C. Ford, Jr.
free market societies, but it doesn’t. Trust me. Executive Chairman of the Ford Motor Company
My great-granddaddy, Henry Ford got this whole

6 The Muddler
Christmas Lights: An Alien Attraction
Dallas, TX – Winter is nigh, and with the rising chill imagine the publicity for an alien abduction? And
comes the hanging of Christmas lights at SMU. Stu- with the economy in crisis and per student costs ris-
dents slowed by the cold have no doubt noticed the ing, the school could afford a few such spectacles.”
crews hard at work, employing heavy-duty equip- But why pillage SMU and not, say, light-happy
ment for festivity’s sake—at least, that’s what they Highland Park residents? Simple: study value. As
want you to think. A.L.I.E.N. Club leader Jack Slack elucidated, “If
The reality? SMU hopes to dine with extraterres- there’s one thing we’re sure about, it’s that aliens
trials this holiday season. avoid housewives like the plague—we suspect
“The set-up is perfect,” commented Machi the cause to be some botched abductions during
Bogovich, community organizer for SMU’s All Life the 1950s. But college students have the potential
Intersects Earthly Nebulae club (A.L.I.E.N.). “No one for enlightening the universe as to the depth and
would suspect Christmas lights as the cover for a breadth of human capacities. We can only hope the
huge light-based code intended to attract alien at- UFO beam handlers aim well. And by well, I mean at
tention. It seems so harmless—which we all know is me.”
the first sign of danger.” Thusly, SMU students should take precautions
The method is dangerous, according to Bogovich, this Christmas, lest aliens learn humanity’s greatest
chiefly because of insufficient evidence regarding secret: namely, how college kids continue to live
alien fondness of human holidays and multi-colored after drowning themselves in questionable mixtures
light pollution. “How do we know Christmas lights of eggnog and alcohol.
aren’t the equivalent of flipping off
another alien on Mars? This isn’t
just fire we’re playing with; it’s
potential laser beams.” Bogovich
then preceded to simulate, with
gestures and sounds, the massive
explosion of Washington D.C. in
the movie Independence Day.
Abduction remains another
serious concern. “College students
hold as much risk as cows,” Bogov-
ich explained, because of the two
creatures’ similar sluggish move-
ment, glazed expressions, unend-
ing appetites, disinterest in non-
grazing affairs, and likelihood of
being viewed by others as a ‘piece
of meat’. All of which confuse our
nebular neighbors, apparently.
Nonetheless, A.L.I.E.N. suspects
ulterior motives on behalf of SMU.
“It’s a win-win deal for the institu-
tion,” club treasurer Stacy Creazy
told The Muddler. “SMU loves con-
troversial acquisitions, as the Bush
Library makes apparent. Can you

December 2008 7
Karl Rove Joins Democrats in Victory
WASHINGTON D.C.-- The Republican Party had less dumbest (at least I.Q.-wise) candidate ever in 2000,
to give thanks for this past Thanksgiving as Karl George W. Bush. His plan backfired, however, when
Rove has fallen in love with Barack Obama and de- Bush’s “strategery” policies stunningly won the
fected to the Democratic Party. Perhaps he is finally White House in one of America’s closest elections
showing his true colors. against the “lockbox” favorite, Al Gore.
In a recent article for the Wall Street Journal On- Rove notoriously tried again to sour Bush’s name
line, Rove outlined what he in the 2004 South Carolina
calls a “reassuring economic campaign by stuffing people’s
team.” Rove’s comments mailboxes with hundreds of
about Obama’s new eco- annoying pamphlets and trash
nomic team have sparked mail. He also ran a fictitious
a furious reaction from his phone tree ad against the
former allies in the Repub- stronger Republican candi-
lican Party (though you’d date, John McCain, alleging
think they would be accus- that McCain had fathered an
tomed to his morally dubi- illegitimate black child in the
ous tactics, having embraced hopes that his actions would
and promoted this tactic for garner sanctions from the
years). Republican Party. But again,
“No doubt that his long Rove was thwarted when the
term relationship to them incumbent President won the
was merely a front to run eventual nomination, and later
his Liberal policies from the election after the Demo-
under the Republican’s good cratic Party ran the world’s
name,” Sean Hanity said of Rove, “He is nothing but most boring candidate ever, John “Horseface”
a slimy Benedict Arnold, and I have always hated Kerry.
him.” Undoubtedly, Rove’s defection will come as a
Rove’s tactics have tried to undermine the Re- shock to most Americans, but it shouldn’t be that
publican Party for years. Rove was the mastermind surprising as Rove is the equivalent of a political
behind the Republican Party’s nomination of its “slut.” Besides, it’s where his heart’s been all along.

The Muddler is an independent satirical news-

paper. The opinions expressed herewith are
those of the individual authors and not the
people who give us money to print this thing.
The ideas, articles and features are a collab-
The Muddler Staff orative effort and are occasionally edited (but
Pat Begley rarely). We lack a fact checking team but we
Dane Brannan have plenty of creative people to make up for
Therik Jolie-Pitt it, that is we never let facts get in the way of a
Ryan Leech good story. Furthermore, The Muddler assumes
no liability for any injuries you incur while
Greg Mandel
reading, or if you miss the point. We welcome
Frank Robinson letters to the editors but only if they’re in the
Daniel Ruiz Ducharme spirit of The Muddler. Cheers.
8 Shawn White
The Muddler