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http://themuddlersmu.blogspot.

com Volume Two, Issue One


October 2008

Student Prank Causes School


An SMU student was re-
to Lose State Funding
cently diagnosed with Mus-
PORTLAND-Recently Texas does.”
tang Fever. She was quickly
quarantined and given heavy schools have enacted a policy They then took the money they
amounts of penecilin, doc- which awards schools that are en- had collected to buy as many CO2
tors report that her levels vironmentally friendly and punish- canisters (that is, canisters used
of apathy should be back to es schools that are environmen- to fire paintball guns) as they
normal in no time.
tally unfriendly by giving them could manage. They transported
Flashing school zone sign more or less funding accordingly. these canisters to the school and
causes driver to suffer It is one of many steps the state is opened them, releasing massive
seizure. Six children were taking to try and offset the car- amounts of CO2 into the atmo-
killed when his car veered bon-footprint left by its livestock sphere.
off the road.
and oil industries. Once the state caught wind of
Following the recent dev- So when senior James Pilgore the school’s CO2 emissions (lit-
astation to the Texas coast- and his classmates heard of this erally), they immediately sanc-
line, Governor Rick Perry new measure, they knew exactly tioned fines on the school and cut
helped pass a law stating how they could get back at their its funding for the next calendar
that the University of Miami
school for all the tests it made year. The school tried to protest
Hurricanes will be called
the Tropical Storms whenever them take and all the knowledge the measure citing “boys will be
playing in the state of Tex- it had imparted to them. boys,” but the state did not care.
as. “We feel that victims of “The point of a senior prank “In all honesty, we really need
Hurricane Ike do not need to is to leave your classes footprint the money,” said state treasury
watch their favorite teams
on the school,” claimed James. officer Leo Blume. “This financial
battle more hurricanes,”
said Gov. Perry. “Why not a carbon-footprint?” crisis has been hard on every-
So that’s exactly what they did. body and and the CO2 detectors
James and his classmates gath- we use to keep tabs on schools
Help make the print ered money from fellow students aren’t cheap.”
media redundantly ir- during lunch under the guise of When James was informed
relevant. Subscribe to representing the charity Save of the full breadth and levity of
the digital version of
Darfur. what his prank had actually cost
The Muddler. Send an
email to ‘themuddler. “It’s not stealing exactly,” the school, he was ecstatic: “A lot
smu@gmail.com’. claimed James. “The money we of people say their school went
collected actually went to use. downhill after they graduated.
That’s more than Save Darfur For us, it’ll actually be true.”

The Muddler 1
Muddled Opinions: You Know We’re Right
MY GENIUS ing candy to little children, and walking down the
By Joseph Juan boulevard in nothing but a trenchcoat! My Mustang
spirit isn’t going anywhere!
Today’s article will delve into and contem-
plate economic policy in South Australian Aboriginal God is Dead:
societies. But sincerely, I only inscribe these disser- An Asian Atheist’s Assertions
tations with my gargantuan lexicon to substantiate
By Ben Mueda
my intellectual superiority over you. I am a genius,
and you are the plebeians I enjoy shitting on.
Listen idiots, you “God” believing underlings
Accommodative monetary policy has
are so dumb, I shouldn’t even take the time to talk
usurped the region, with the price ceiling on pooka
to you; but I have no friends, and therefore spend
shells and rain sticks adversely affecting the selling
my time writing op-ed pieces. I know what you are
price of Wallabee meat and Kookaburra eggs, while
thinking: God is punishing me by making me friend-
white face paint has driven the price of khaki vests.
less. But there is no God. I’m a loser all on my own,
It is evident that ad rem vos fossor es vermis foedus
Nothing-Dammit!
ut meus superus intelligence. EGO sum instrument
I follow in the great footsteps of genius
in terra. Volutans procul meus glorificus penis vos
atheists such as Frederich Niezche and Penn Jillete,
indignus depopulatio ovis sperma. EGO eat testis
so you know I’m right. Your ignorance stupefies me.
sus pro prandium in feriae.
Contemplate this logic: Jesus once said treat your
In conclusion, Ab initio, te absolvo for your
neighbor as you would yourself. But he couldn’t
ostensible deficiency of comprehension of a pletho-
possibly know my neighbor. Therefore the entire
ra of provisos, you worthless, pathetic children.
Bible is wrong and I am right! Burn your Bibles!
Follow me and I shall be your new God! For as you
Pony Up ‘Stangs!!! know, I’m the modern day David Hume.
By Don ‘D’Lew’ Lew

Right out of the box, first thing, here’s the


deal, my honest opinion is, gang, that we need to Dearest Fans,
get excited and go wild! How come, Don?! Well, My sincerest apolo-
‘Stangs, our school spirit is way down! Our awe- gies that I am not
some school just launched its SMU Unbridled Cam- available to fulfill
paign! Sure, I don’t know what the hell it means your insatiable desire for my advice. I am cur-
either, but boy am I excitied! SMU will, literally, rently abroad in Dubai helping raise money for
experience an explosion of growth! [Editor’s Note: the McCain/ Palin campaign. Due to the recent
That’s what she said] But I was flabbergasted when snafu of many of my closest friends in the bank-
no kiddos came to the neato ceremony! Come on ing sector, my task of keeping the WASPs in
guys! power has become harder than anticipated. But
Listen, I know what you are thinking! Does do not fear, because next month I will be back
this Don guy really still go to school here?! You bet to solve all of your simple problems, with the
your bottom I do! I won’t let the beckoning real same wit and charm you’ve always loved.
world or multiple restraining orders keep me away Best,
from my alma mater, freshman dorms, or Peruna’s Christian Cornwallis
stable!
I hope I’ll still be here for years to come, giv- Sent via Blackberry

2 The Muddler
The Muddler and Low Tech Pirating Present:
The Dark Knight
FADE IN: INT. BRUCE WAYNE PENTHOUSE FUND- GARY appears.
RAISER
INT. BANK HEATH: You’re dead.
HEATH and clowns disrupt party, start
A bunch of clowns rob a bank. They intimidating billionaire guests. GARY: Nope. I’ve merely been hiding un-
shoot each other one by one till... a der an invisibility cloak I borrowed from
deranged, clown-like HEATH LEDGER MAGGIE: As a strong, independent my godson, Harry Potter.
drives off with a school bus full of cash. female, I object.
INT. WAREHOUSES
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT HEATH: Hello beautiful. Will the eternal
triangle become a quadrangle? No? Out HEATH captures AARON and MAGGIE.
AARON ECKHART: Should I say some- the window with you, then. They strap them to BOMBS!
thing romantic?
BALE, as Batman, saves her before she AARON: It’s gonna be ok. Hollywood
MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL: We are trying to splatters. never lets the good guys die.
establish that beat. Christian Bale! What
are you doing here? BALE: You ok? MAGGIE: Have you not noticed the
recent trend? No Country. There Will
CHRISTIAN: I own the place. This MAGGIE: You do realize there is a room Be Blood. Besides, Rachel Dawes has
woman is my flavor of the month. Jeal- full of billionaires still being terrorized by always been a weak link in this revived
ous? Dent, I like your politics. How ‘bout the Heath Ledger, right? franchise.
a fundraiser?
EXT. PARADE BALE shows up to save AARON. Bombs
INT. BACKROOM explode. MAGGIE dies. Half of AARON’s
Joker tries to kill the GUY FROM LOST face is severely burned.
A backroom full of MOBSTERS. but kills GARY OLDMAN instead.
EXT. A CLEVERLY DISGUISED CHICAGO
CHINESE BUSINESSMAN: I’ve stolen EXT. ALLEYWAY
your money for safekeeping. HEATH blows up a HOSPITAL and is set
AARON flips a coin to determine wheth- to blow up TWO FERRIES, when...
GENERIC MOBSTER: Why? er or not to kill one of the Joker’s thugs.
BALE stops him. BALE confronts HEATH.
CHINESE BUSINESSMAN: Because the
police are after it, but mostly cos it’s an BALE: Who are you Anton Chigurh? HEATH: You’re a freak!
excuse for some sweet aerial shots of You’re supposed to be a good guy. I
Hong Kong. hope this isn’t foreboding in anyway cos BALE: Nuh, uh. You’re the freak!
I’m giving myself up.
EXT. HONG KONG HEATH: Have you ever listened to your
AARON: I can’t let you do that. voice?
BALE brings CHINESE BUSINESSMAN to
justice. INT. PRESS CONFERENCE BALE ties up HEATH and leaves him
hanging from a building.
EXT. A CLEVERLY DISGUISED CHICAGO AARON addresses the REPORTERS
KID: Yay! Batman saved the day!
Every major mobster arrested by police AARON: I am the Batman.
on various charges. Gary: That’s not how they’ll spin this.
REPORTER: That doesn’t make sense,
Meanwhile, HEATH says people will die but it will sell newspapers. KID: Why?
if Batman does not turn himself over.
EXT. CITY STREETS Gary: Cos he’s The Dark Knight.
Batman’s identity remains anonymous.
People die. (Heath’s a man of his word.) Cue lots of action and explosions sans KID: Huh?
CGI (good for you, Nolan). HEATH

3
almost gets BALE, when a resurrected END
October 2008
Real Reason Behind
R Abbrev.
“June Cometh”
Finally Revealed Gettin’ Out-
SMU- Those believing that the “June Cometh”
ta Hand?
tagline was due to a prophecy that Mr Jones was
in fact Jesus Christ have been proven wrong today.
University NYC, NY- With the steady increase of txt msg’n
sources re- for Gen Y, the prez of the AAEL1 Bill Contreau has
vealed that gotten 2gether w/ leaders from the BSWC2, the
the real reason MWDES3, and profs from BYU4, SMU5 and Yale to
behind the discuss how to uphold the cleanliness of the English
campaign is lang.
the manner “We feel that if young children are not taught
in which Mr how to properly spell early on, we may face a lan-
Jones speaks. guage apocalypse within the next five years.”
“He speaks The newly created ECA6 has stirred up controver-
in Middle Eng- sy by tellin’ their members to attack any1 seen txt’n
lish,” stated a w/ shorthand words. When students were polled,
university rep- the basic response was “whatev”.
resentative. To cast your vote, send an SMS to 2250 and get a
“The ad free ringtone. As for us at The Muddler, we think it’s
campaign was all his idea really. You can just see the NBD, txt’n FTW!
excitement in his face in all the pictures.”
1 Association for the Advancement of the English Lan-
“I shant hideth mine affliction anymorth,” said guage, 2 British Speech and Writing Center, 3 Merriam
Jones in a press conference today. “And once I Webster Dictionary and Encyclopedia Society, 4 Brigham
Young University, 5 Southern Methodist University,
cometh, I shall changeth everything . . . eth.” 6 English Conservation Alliance

The Muddler is an independent satirical news-


paper. The opinions expressed herewith are
those of the individual authors and not the
people who give us money to print this thing.
The ideas, articles and features are a collab-
The Muddler Staff orative effort and are occasionally edited (but
Pat Begley rarely). We lack a fact checking team but we
Dane Brannan have plenty of creative people to make up for
Therik Jolie-Pitt it, that is we never let facts get in the way of a
Ryan Leech good story. Furthermore, The Muddler assumes
no liability for any injuries you incur while
Greg Mandel
reading, or if you miss the point. We welcome
Frank Robinson letters to the editors but only if they’re in the
Daniel Ruiz Ducharme spirit of The Muddler. Cheers.
4 Shawn White
The Muddler

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