http://themuddlersmu.blogspot.
com Volume Two, Issue One
An SMU student was re-
cently diagnosed with Mus-
tang Fever. She was quickly
quarantined and given heavy
amounts of penecilin, doc-
tors report that her levels
of apathy should be back to
normal in no time.
Flashing school zone sign
causes driver to suffer
seizure. Six children were
killed when his car veered
off the road.
Following the recent dev-
astation to the Texas coast-
line, Governor Rick Perry
helped pass a law stating
that the University of Miami
Hurricanes will be called
the Tropical Storms whenever
playing in the state of Tex-
as. “We feel that victims of
Hurricane Ike do not need to
watch their favorite teams
battle more hurricanes,”
said Gov. Perry.
Help make the print
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The Muddler 1
Student Prank Causes School
to Lose State Funding
PORTLAND-Recently Texas
schools have enacted a policy
which awards schools that are en-
vironmentally friendly and punish-
es schools that are environmen-
tally unfriendly by giving them
more or less funding accordingly.
It is one of many steps the state is
taking to try and offset the car-
bon-footprint left by its livestock
and oil industries.
So when senior James Pilgore
and his classmates heard of this
new measure, they knew exactly
how they could get back at their
school for all the tests it made
them take and all the knowledge
it had imparted to them.
“The point of a senior prank
is to leave your classes footprint
on the school,” claimed James.
“Why not a carbon-footprint?”
So that’s exactly what they did.
James and his classmates gath-
ered money from fellow students
during lunch under the guise of
representing the charity Save
Darfur.
“It’s not stealing exactly,”
claimed James. “The money we
collected actually went to use.
That’s more than Save Darfur
October 2008
does.”
They then took the money they
had collected to buy as many CO2
canisters (that is, canisters used
to fire paintball guns) as they
could manage. They transported
these canisters to the school and
opened them, releasing massive
amounts of CO2 into the atmo-
sphere.
Once the state caught wind of
the school’s CO2 emissions (lit-
erally), they immediately sanc-
tioned fines on the school and cut
its funding for the next calendar
year. The school tried to protest
the measure citing “boys will be
boys,” but the state did not care.
“In all honesty, we really need
the money,” said state treasury
officer Leo Blume. “This financial
crisis has been hard on every-
body and and the CO2 detectors
we use to keep tabs on schools
aren’t cheap.”
When James was informed
of the full breadth and levity of
what his prank had actually cost
the school, he was ecstatic: “A lot
of people say their school went
downhill after they graduated.
For us, it’ll actually be true.”
Muddled Opinions: You Know We’re Right
MY GENIUS
By Joseph Juan
Today’s article will delve into and contem-
plate economic policy in South Australian Aboriginal
societies. But sincerely, I only inscribe these disser-
tations with my gargantuan lexicon to substantiate
my intellectual superiority over you. I am a genius,
and you are the plebeians I enjoy shitting on.
Accommodative monetary policy has
usurped the region, with the price ceiling on pooka
shells and rain sticks adversely affecting the selling
price of Wallabee meat and Kookaburra eggs, while
white face paint has driven the price of khaki vests.
It is evident that ad rem vos fossor es vermis foedus
ut meus superus intelligence. EGO sum instrument
in terra. Volutans procul meus glorificus penis vos
indignus depopulatio ovis sperma. EGO eat testis
sus pro prandium in feriae.
In conclusion, Ab initio, te absolvo for your
ostensible deficiency of comprehension of a pletho-
ra of provisos, you worthless, pathetic children.
Pony Up ‘Stangs!!!
By Don ‘D’Lew’ Lew
Right out of the box, first thing, here’s the
deal, my honest opinion is, gang, that we need to
get excited and go wild! How come, Don?! Well,
‘Stangs, our school spirit is way down! Our awe-
some school just launched its SMU Unbridled Cam-
paign! Sure, I don’t know what the hell it means
either, but boy am I excitied! SMU will, literally,
experience an explosion of growth! [Editor’s Note:
That’s what she said] But I was flabbergasted when
no kiddos came to the neato ceremony! Come on
guys!
Listen, I know what you are thinking! Does
this Don guy really still go to school here?! You bet
your bottom I do! I won’t let the beckoning real
world or multiple restraining orders keep me away
from my alma mater, freshman dorms, or Peruna’s
stable!
I hope I’ll still be here for years to come, giv-
2 The Muddler
ing candy to little children, and walking down the
boulevard in nothing but a trenchcoat! My Mustang
spirit isn’t going anywhere!
God is Dead:
An Asian Atheist’s Assertions
By Ben Mueda
Listen idiots, you “God” believing underlings
are so dumb, I shouldn’t even take the time to talk
to you; but I have no friends, and therefore spend
my time writing op-ed pieces. I know what you are
thinking: God is punishing me by making me friend-
less. But there is no God. I’m a loser all on my own,
Nothing-Dammit!
I follow in the great footsteps of genius
atheists such as Frederich Niezche and Penn Jillete,
so you know I’m right. Your ignorance stupefies me.
Contemplate this logic: Jesus once said treat your
neighbor as you would yourself. But he couldn’t
possibly know my neighbor. Therefore the entire
Bible is wrong and I am right! Burn your Bibles!
Follow me and I shall be your new God! For as you
know, I’m the modern day David Hume.
Dearest Fans,
My sincerest apolo-
gies that I am not
available to fulfill
your insatiable desire for my advice. I am cur-
rently abroad in Dubai helping raise money for
the McCain/ Palin campaign. Due to the recent
snafu of many of my closest friends in the bank-
ing sector, my task of keeping the WASPs in
power has become harder than anticipated. But
do not fear, because next month I will be back
to solve all of your simple problems, with the
same wit and charm you’ve always loved.
Best,
Christian Cornwallis
Sent via Blackberry
The Muddler and Low Tech Pirating Present:
The Dark Knight
FADE IN:
INT. BANK
A bunch of clowns rob a bank. They
shoot each other one by one till... a
deranged, clown-like HEATH LEDGER
drives off with a school bus full of cash.
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT
AARON ECKHART: Should I say some-
thing romantic?
MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL: We are trying to
establish that beat. Christian Bale! What
are you doing here?
CHRISTIAN: I own the place. This
woman is my flavor of the month. Jeal-
ous? Dent, I like your politics. How ‘bout
a fundraiser?
INT. BACKROOM
A backroom full of MOBSTERS.
CHINESE BUSINESSMAN: I’ve stolen
your money for safekeeping.
GENERIC MOBSTER: Why?
CHINESE BUSINESSMAN: Because the
police are after it, but mostly cos it’s an
excuse for some sweet aerial shots of
Hong Kong.
EXT. HONG KONG
BALE brings CHINESE BUSINESSMAN to
justice.
EXT. A CLEVERLY DISGUISED CHICAGO
Every major mobster arrested by police
on various charges.
Meanwhile, HEATH says people will die
if Batman does not turn himself over.
Batman’s identity remains anonymous.
People die. (Heath’s a man of his word.)
October 2008
INT. BRUCE WAYNE PENTHOUSE FUND-
RAISER
HEATH and clowns disrupt party, start
intimidating billionaire guests.
MAGGIE: As a strong, independent
female, I object.
HEATH: Hello beautiful. Will the eternal
triangle become a quadrangle? No? Out
the window with you, then.
BALE, as Batman, saves her before she
splatters.
BALE: You ok?
MAGGIE: You do realize there is a room
full of billionaires still being terrorized by
the Heath Ledger, right?
EXT. PARADE
Joker tries to kill the GUY FROM LOST
but kills GARY OLDMAN instead.
EXT. ALLEYWAY
AARON flips a coin to determine wheth-
er or not to kill one of the Joker’s thugs.
BALE stops him.
BALE: Who are you Anton Chigurh?
You’re supposed to be a good guy. I
hope this isn’t foreboding in anyway cos
I’m giving myself up.
AARON: I can’t let you do that.
INT. PRESS CONFERENCE
AARON addresses the REPORTERS
AARON: I am the Batman.
REPORTER: That doesn’t make sense,
but it will sell newspapers.
EXT. CITY STREETS
Cue lots of action and explosions sans
CGI (good for you, Nolan). HEATH
almost gets BALE, when a resurrected
GARY appears.
HEATH: You’re dead.
GARY: Nope. I’ve merely been hiding un-
der an invisibility cloak I borrowed from
my godson, Harry Potter.
INT. WAREHOUSES
HEATH captures AARON and MAGGIE.
They strap them to BOMBS!
AARON: It’s gonna be ok. Hollywood
never lets the good guys die.
MAGGIE: Have you not noticed the
recent trend? No Country. There Will
Be Blood. Besides, Rachel Dawes has
always been a weak link in this revived
franchise.
BALE shows up to save AARON. Bombs
explode. MAGGIE dies. Half of AARON’s
face is severely burned.
EXT. A CLEVERLY DISGUISED CHICAGO
HEATH blows up a HOSPITAL and is set
to blow up TWO FERRIES, when...
BALE confronts HEATH.
HEATH: You’re a freak!
BALE: Nuh, uh. You’re the freak!
HEATH: Have you ever listened to your
voice?
BALE ties up HEATH and leaves him
hanging from a building.
KID: Yay! Batman saved the day!
Gary: That’s not how they’ll spin this.
KID: Why?
Gary: Cos he’s The Dark Knight.
KID: Huh?
3
END
Real Reason Behind
R Abbrev.
“June Cometh”
Finally Revealed Gettin’ Out-
SMU- Those believing that the “June Cometh”
ta Hand?
tagline was due to a prophecy that Mr Jones was
in fact Jesus Christ have been proven wrong today.
University NYC, NY- With the steady increase of txt msg’n
sources re- for Gen Y, the prez of the AAEL1 Bill Contreau has
vealed that gotten 2gether w/ leaders from the BSWC2, the
the real reason MWDES3, and profs from BYU4, SMU5 and Yale to
behind the discuss how to uphold the cleanliness of the English
campaign is lang.
the manner “We feel that if young children are not taught
in which Mr how to properly spell early on, we may face a lan-
Jones speaks. guage apocalypse within the next five years.”
“He speaks The newly created ECA6 has stirred up controver-
in Middle Eng- sy by tellin’ their members to attack any1 seen txt’n
lish,” stated a w/ shorthand words. When students were polled,
university rep- the basic response was “whatev”.
resentative. To cast your vote, send an SMS to 2250 and get a
“The ad free ringtone. As for us at The Muddler, we think it’s
campaign was all his idea really. You can just see the NBD, txt’n FTW!
excitement in his face in all the pictures.”
1 Association for the Advancement of the English Lan-
“I shant hideth mine affliction anymorth,” said guage, 2 British Speech and Writing Center, 3 Merriam
Jones in a press conference today. “And once I Webster Dictionary and Encyclopedia Society, 4 Brigham
Young University, 5 Southern Methodist University,
cometh, I shall changeth everything . . . eth.” 6 English Conservation Alliance

The Muddler is an independent satirical news-

paper. The opinions expressed herewith are
those of the individual authors and not the
people who give us money to print this thing.
The ideas, articles and features are a collab-
The Muddler Staff orative effort and are occasionally edited (but
Pat Begley rarely). We lack a fact checking team but we
Dane Brannan have plenty of creative people to make up for
Therik Jolie-Pitt it, that is we never let facts get in the way of a
Ryan Leech good story. Furthermore, The Muddler assumes
no liability for any injuries you incur while
Greg Mandel
reading, or if you miss the point. We welcome
Frank Robinson letters to the editors but only if they’re in the
Daniel Ruiz Ducharme spirit of The Muddler. Cheers.
4 Shawn White
The Muddler