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The Muddler - October 08
The Muddler - October 08
The Muddler - October 08
The Muddler 1
Muddled Opinions: You Know We’re Right
MY GENIUS ing candy to little children, and walking down the
By Joseph Juan boulevard in nothing but a trenchcoat! My Mustang
spirit isn’t going anywhere!
Today’s article will delve into and contem-
plate economic policy in South Australian Aboriginal God is Dead:
societies. But sincerely, I only inscribe these disser- An Asian Atheist’s Assertions
tations with my gargantuan lexicon to substantiate
By Ben Mueda
my intellectual superiority over you. I am a genius,
and you are the plebeians I enjoy shitting on.
Listen idiots, you “God” believing underlings
Accommodative monetary policy has
are so dumb, I shouldn’t even take the time to talk
usurped the region, with the price ceiling on pooka
to you; but I have no friends, and therefore spend
shells and rain sticks adversely affecting the selling
my time writing op-ed pieces. I know what you are
price of Wallabee meat and Kookaburra eggs, while
thinking: God is punishing me by making me friend-
white face paint has driven the price of khaki vests.
less. But there is no God. I’m a loser all on my own,
It is evident that ad rem vos fossor es vermis foedus
Nothing-Dammit!
ut meus superus intelligence. EGO sum instrument
I follow in the great footsteps of genius
in terra. Volutans procul meus glorificus penis vos
atheists such as Frederich Niezche and Penn Jillete,
indignus depopulatio ovis sperma. EGO eat testis
so you know I’m right. Your ignorance stupefies me.
sus pro prandium in feriae.
Contemplate this logic: Jesus once said treat your
In conclusion, Ab initio, te absolvo for your
neighbor as you would yourself. But he couldn’t
ostensible deficiency of comprehension of a pletho-
possibly know my neighbor. Therefore the entire
ra of provisos, you worthless, pathetic children.
Bible is wrong and I am right! Burn your Bibles!
Follow me and I shall be your new God! For as you
Pony Up ‘Stangs!!! know, I’m the modern day David Hume.
By Don ‘D’Lew’ Lew
2 The Muddler
The Muddler and Low Tech Pirating Present:
The Dark Knight
FADE IN: INT. BRUCE WAYNE PENTHOUSE FUND- GARY appears.
RAISER
INT. BANK HEATH: You’re dead.
HEATH and clowns disrupt party, start
A bunch of clowns rob a bank. They intimidating billionaire guests. GARY: Nope. I’ve merely been hiding un-
shoot each other one by one till... a der an invisibility cloak I borrowed from
deranged, clown-like HEATH LEDGER MAGGIE: As a strong, independent my godson, Harry Potter.
drives off with a school bus full of cash. female, I object.
INT. WAREHOUSES
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT HEATH: Hello beautiful. Will the eternal
triangle become a quadrangle? No? Out HEATH captures AARON and MAGGIE.
AARON ECKHART: Should I say some- the window with you, then. They strap them to BOMBS!
thing romantic?
BALE, as Batman, saves her before she AARON: It’s gonna be ok. Hollywood
MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL: We are trying to splatters. never lets the good guys die.
establish that beat. Christian Bale! What
are you doing here? BALE: You ok? MAGGIE: Have you not noticed the
recent trend? No Country. There Will
CHRISTIAN: I own the place. This MAGGIE: You do realize there is a room Be Blood. Besides, Rachel Dawes has
woman is my flavor of the month. Jeal- full of billionaires still being terrorized by always been a weak link in this revived
ous? Dent, I like your politics. How ‘bout the Heath Ledger, right? franchise.
a fundraiser?
EXT. PARADE BALE shows up to save AARON. Bombs
INT. BACKROOM explode. MAGGIE dies. Half of AARON’s
Joker tries to kill the GUY FROM LOST face is severely burned.
A backroom full of MOBSTERS. but kills GARY OLDMAN instead.
EXT. A CLEVERLY DISGUISED CHICAGO
CHINESE BUSINESSMAN: I’ve stolen EXT. ALLEYWAY
your money for safekeeping. HEATH blows up a HOSPITAL and is set
AARON flips a coin to determine wheth- to blow up TWO FERRIES, when...
GENERIC MOBSTER: Why? er or not to kill one of the Joker’s thugs.
BALE stops him. BALE confronts HEATH.
CHINESE BUSINESSMAN: Because the
police are after it, but mostly cos it’s an BALE: Who are you Anton Chigurh? HEATH: You’re a freak!
excuse for some sweet aerial shots of You’re supposed to be a good guy. I
Hong Kong. hope this isn’t foreboding in anyway cos BALE: Nuh, uh. You’re the freak!
I’m giving myself up.
EXT. HONG KONG HEATH: Have you ever listened to your
AARON: I can’t let you do that. voice?
BALE brings CHINESE BUSINESSMAN to
justice. INT. PRESS CONFERENCE BALE ties up HEATH and leaves him
hanging from a building.
EXT. A CLEVERLY DISGUISED CHICAGO AARON addresses the REPORTERS
KID: Yay! Batman saved the day!
Every major mobster arrested by police AARON: I am the Batman.
on various charges. Gary: That’s not how they’ll spin this.
REPORTER: That doesn’t make sense,
Meanwhile, HEATH says people will die but it will sell newspapers. KID: Why?
if Batman does not turn himself over.
EXT. CITY STREETS Gary: Cos he’s The Dark Knight.
Batman’s identity remains anonymous.
People die. (Heath’s a man of his word.) Cue lots of action and explosions sans KID: Huh?
CGI (good for you, Nolan). HEATH
3
almost gets BALE, when a resurrected END
October 2008
Real Reason Behind
R Abbrev.
“June Cometh”
Finally Revealed Gettin’ Out-
SMU- Those believing that the “June Cometh”
ta Hand?
tagline was due to a prophecy that Mr Jones was
in fact Jesus Christ have been proven wrong today.
University NYC, NY- With the steady increase of txt msg’n
sources re- for Gen Y, the prez of the AAEL1 Bill Contreau has
vealed that gotten 2gether w/ leaders from the BSWC2, the
the real reason MWDES3, and profs from BYU4, SMU5 and Yale to
behind the discuss how to uphold the cleanliness of the English
campaign is lang.
the manner “We feel that if young children are not taught
in which Mr how to properly spell early on, we may face a lan-
Jones speaks. guage apocalypse within the next five years.”
“He speaks The newly created ECA6 has stirred up controver-
in Middle Eng- sy by tellin’ their members to attack any1 seen txt’n
lish,” stated a w/ shorthand words. When students were polled,
university rep- the basic response was “whatev”.
resentative. To cast your vote, send an SMS to 2250 and get a
“The ad free ringtone. As for us at The Muddler, we think it’s
campaign was all his idea really. You can just see the NBD, txt’n FTW!
excitement in his face in all the pictures.”
1 Association for the Advancement of the English Lan-
“I shant hideth mine affliction anymorth,” said guage, 2 British Speech and Writing Center, 3 Merriam
Jones in a press conference today. “And once I Webster Dictionary and Encyclopedia Society, 4 Brigham
Young University, 5 Southern Methodist University,
cometh, I shall changeth everything . . . eth.” 6 English Conservation Alliance