http://themuddlersmu.blogspot.
com Volume One, Issue 4
themuddler.smu@gmail.com April 2008
College age pregnancy
is on the rise. In re-
lated news, fraternities
across the country are fil-
ing a class action law suit
against the Trojan Corpo-
ration claiming that 99.9%
isn’t effective enough.
According to an anonymous
source, recent and unneces-
sary increases in tuition
are part of an underhanded
effort to drive out the en-
tire staff of The Muddler,
Hilltopics, and The Daily
Campus in order to gain full
control of the important
student media outlets and
curb the derisive columns
about signing ARAMARK to a
new, 7-year deal.
SMUPD: Blondes in BMW’s
remain no. 1 threat to pe-
destrian safety on the Bou-
levard.
Dutch filmmaker Geert
Wilders’ anti-Islamic film
sparks worldwide contro-
versy. But after a public
screening of Gigli, Dr. Has-
san al-Turabi (head of the
National Islamic Front) was
quoted saying “Maybe that
Dutch movie wasn’t so bad
after all.”
The Muddler 1
New Disease Causes
OMGs, WTFs, and LoLs
SERIES OF TUBES,
ALASKA --“It’s
just one click, do I
really need protec-
tion? What could
happen?” Millions
of Internet surfers
ask themselves
this very question
as they sign on
to their favorite
dating Web site to
check their bulg-
ing virtual inboxes. One out of four men expected to be a car-
New data from the rier of the dreaded disease. The Muddler
would like to take this moment to remind
Organization for you to always use a firewall.
a Safer Internet,
scientists refer to as “Grammar
however, has identified a danger-
Degeneration” and “Web Cam
ous disease bent on crippling our
Propulsion”.
society and the ability to procre-
The luxury of being an
ate.
idiot on the Internet with few
According to the study,
real-life consequences is strongly
people on these “virtual hook-
correlated to the rise of this dis-
up joints” are susceptible to a
ease. Fear not, though, OkCupid
disease called Sadly Tenacious
and American Singles users: com-
and Unbelievably Preposterous
bating STUPID is simple. Upon
Intelligence Deficiency, other-
receiving a message similar to,
wise known as STUPID. As a viral
“h3y u wnt 2 B freindz w/ benfiTs?
entity, STUPID primarily attaches
LOL”, just take one strong dose
itself to desperate and/or horny
of ALT F4. Call your therapist in
men looking to “get some”. The
the morning for added emotional
virus then spreads through what
reassurance.
 Good Christian Ad-
vice is written by
syndicated columnist
Christian Cornwallis
who has been impart-
ing his vast knowl-
edge on those in need for many years for
the general betterment of humankind. Chris-
tian is currently a practicing gentleman of
leisure and can be reached at ‘themuddler.
smu@gmail.com’. If you have any questions
please send them with the heading Dear
Christian or add Christian as your facebook
friend.
Dear Christian,
Last month I was indicted on insider trading
charges. I have more than enough money to live like
a king in South America, so I’m contemplating flee-
ing the country. I’m not too worried about anyone
important seeing this because we all know that no
one really reads your insignificant column. So which
country do you think I should choose?
-Damon Jones
Dear Damon Jones,
Oops. Let’s just hope that you’re right about
how unimportant my column really is because cur-
rent readers include the chief of police, the district
attorney, and your mother (who after some re-
search, I learned posted your bail) in lovely Mans-
field, Massachusetts (Zipcode: 02048). Thankfully
for you though, no one bothers with Good Christian
Advice, right? Don’t drop the soap, Damon of 343
Kingsley Avenue. As for me, if I were in your shoes,
SMU Response to Task Force: New Building
UNIVERSITY PARK - In reaction to the Substance
Abuse Prevention Task Force and the recom-
mendations made, Senior Director of Campus
Development, Robert Templeton, has outlined the
school's plan to address these highly complex is-
sues: “We're gonna build a building. Not just any
building, an incredibly magnificent building. There
will be marble floors, leather chairs, flat screens
everywhere, a Starbucks. It's going to be the most
beautiful building we've ever built,” Templeton said
while sitting in his Dallas Hall office.
He explained the school has budgeted $175
million towards the effort. When asked what the
2 The Muddler
I’d be taking in the sights and sounds of beautiful
Peru.
Best of luck,
Christian Cornwallis
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Cornwallis,
I came up with a great idea at work and I ran
it past one of my coworkers before taking it to the
boss. Next thing I know, he’s already gone and told
our boss the idea and he got all the credit. Now he’s
next in line for a promotion. That should be me. Any
advice?
- Swindled Sidekick
Dear SS,
Things like this happen every day in the work
place. Why, it was just yesterday that my father
told me about how he hustled his way to the top of
a Fortune 500 corporation. There are two options
that you have. First option: take it like a b*tch. Al-
low your coworker to steal your ideas until he’s your
boss and can legitimately claim credit for your work.
Or your second option: fight back. Does he have a
password on his computer? If not, time for a little
bestiality porno; maybe something that’s bound to
infect the network with the equivalent of computer
AIDS. Perhaps, you could print out bills for expen-
sive hookers and leave them in plain sight in his in-
box. Remember, it’s hard for him to get promoted if
he doesn’t work there. If all else fails, just have sex
with his wife.
Sincerely,
Christian Cornwallis
use of the new building might be, Templeton re-
sponded, “This elegant, state of the art building
will be...um...well we haven't exactly figured that
out yet, but uh... I think we may add some of that
new touchscreen technology though, maybe even
a pool.” He stated the extravagant new building
represents a collection of the task force recommen-
dations and is a proactive measure to address sub-
stance abuse and its impact within the community.
When questioned how this seemingly un-
purposed building will address the deep-rooted and
complicated matters outlined by the task force, he
stated simply, “Did I mention the flat screens?”
To Ask a Predator:
Our Talk with ‘Dean Kelly’
For those who do not remember, Dean Kelly
was the mastermind behind a photo scam on
the SMU campus. He was known to wait out-
side of the Dedman Center and Moody Colise-
um telling girls that he was an MTV produc-
er and wanted to take photographs of them.
Once he brought them back to his house, he
tried to get the girls to pose nude. And
The Muddler has obtained an exclusive in-
terview.
Muddler - First off, I would like to
thank you for your time, Mr. Kelly. We
recognize that you are a very busy
man.
Kelly – That is correct. I do like to get
busy.
Muddler – So how did you get the idea
to start this photo scam? What was SMUPD’s high quality
your inspiration? sketch of Dean Kelly.
Kelly – First of all, I don’t consider it a scam. If hoes
want to get down with the Dean, then why would I
say no?
Muddler – Umm . . . . But didn’t you falsely tell these
girls that you were an MTV producer to get them
to come back to your house? Don’t you find that
coercive?
Kelly – Well now, that isn’t totally untrue. I have
tried out for every Real World since 1996, so I obvi-
ously do have some affiliation with the network.
Also, I like naked chicks.
Muddler – Indeed. Well, throughout your tenure
posing as a producer, how many “naked chicks” did
you actually get to see?
Kelly – I’d say about 25-30. I was really living the
dream for a while there.
April 2008 3
Muddler – Wow! 25-30? I mean . . . umm . . . . Really.
And did you have relations with these girls?
Kelly – Well, you know the Dean isn’t one to kiss and
tell (wink).
Muddler – Did you just wink at me?
Kelly – Oh yeah…
Muddler – Umm, ok. Let’s get back to
the questions. Do you still have all of
the pictures left? If so, what are you go-
ing to do with them?
Kelly – Of course I’ve got them. I’m cur-
rently in the planning stages of creating
a calendar with ‘em. I’ve already got
136 pre-orders.
Muddler – Do you not feel bad about
exploiting these girls? Don’t you think it is unfair to
do this to them?
Kelly – Personally, I think it is unfair for girls this
attractive not to be ogled by guys like you and me.
Once you see Ms. February, I think you’ll agree.
(Kelly holds up photo).
Muddler – Hey, that’s my girlfriend.
Kelly – Really?! Sorry, bro. Maybe you should stick
with someone in your own league next time and
this won’t happen. The Deanster only goes for the
best.
Muddler – Umm . . . uhh . . .
Kelly – All right. I gotta go. I’ve gotta be at OU by
sundown.
NCIM Attempts to End christians
Mother Nature’s Tyrannical craigslist
Texas Weather To help those SMU students
unable to find love on the
AUSTIN, TEXAS - The National the jet stream, along with calcium Boulevard The Muddler and
Christian Cornwallis are
Council of Industrial Meteorolo- supplements. The plan will be- bringing you a new way to
gists (NCIM) has announced a gin sometime between now and find the perfect one for you.
plan to “end Big Mama’s mood
swings” in
never.
Local femi-
YGentleman with reasonable
looks, adequate manners, and
light of last nist groups large member seeks love-less
month’s criticize the marriage with trust-fund baby
instances plan on the or independent wealthy woman.
when snow, grounds that Looks are not important. Fatties
rain and “this is so typ- welcome. 214-555-2137.
sunshine ical of weath-
happened all ermen, to pin
in the same their lousy YHey guys, BBLW for CWJ,
week. reporting on DFK. No GFE or TPHM. But can FS,
Me- a natural fe- HKB and FBSM. 214-555-5948.
teorologists male process
Could Mother Nature just be mad at
claim that
the erratic
this obviously bragging weather- they probably
man? More details as we get them. don’t even
YCHEERIO! Butler, manser-
vant plus sexual gratifier wanted.
weather pat- understand.” If you did not get the message
terns can be attributed to “Atmo- The NCIM also wants from the greeting, only the Brits
spheric PMS” - just like regular Texans to help by performing can properly perform the duties
PMS, but more harmful to week- tribal dances to keep our Mother- required (yes, we’re profiling).
end picnics. According to the in-law-in-the-sky entertained. The Naturally, since we are request-
NCIM, curing Atmospheric PMS Muddler simply advises you keep ing a butler, we can offer LIVING
will involve pumping gaseous an umbrella and snow shoes with QUARTERS. Call 214-555-0688.
versions of selective serotonin you at all times. We are unlikely to answer the
reuptake inhibitors, or SSRIs, into
phone...it’s just below us.
The Muddler is an independent satirical news-
paper. The opinions expressed herewith are
those of the individual authors and not the
people who give us money to print this thing.
The ideas, articles and features are a collab-
The Muddler Staff orative effort and are occasionally edited (but
Pat Begley rarely). We lack a fact checking team but we
Dane Brannan have plenty of creative people to make up for
Daniel Ruiz Ducharme it, that is we never let facts get in the way of a
Ryan Leech good story. Furthermore, The Muddler assumes
no liability for any injuries you incur while
Greg Mandel
reading, or if you miss the point. We welcome
Micah Nerio letters to the editors but only if they’re in the
Frank Robinson spirit of The Muddler. Cheers.
4 Shawn White
The Muddler