April 2013

The Monthly Rag

13 stories written by 13 writers after 13 beers
Inside This Issue:
Sauna Declared New Hotspot on Campus After Heated Discussion Page 160F Colgate Confessions to Implement Achievement and Trophies System Page 13 How To Attend All Study Breaks and Thereby Never Actually Have to Study Admissions Decides to Switch to Safer Virtual Reality Tour For SPW Science andTechnology, Page 0xfefa Student Advice, Page 4.20

Post-Election Analysis Reveals Secrets of Campaigns Success

HAMILTON, NY A post-election analysis has revealed the secret to making any candidate win an election: large posters urging students to vote for them. Yeah, I didnt really know who was running or what SGA is, so it was good to just read a simple imperative sentence reflected one student voter. It was clear, to the point, and made no false promises, and when I was staring at my ballot, its message was in the front of my mind. Other students reported similar experiences. I wasnt really sure what the hell was going on, confessed Jerry Atrick 13 to our interviewers. I was just sort of powering through my senior thesis and then I saw a voting email. So I figured fine, whatever, maybe its like a graduation requirement for some bullshit Political Engagements criterion or something. Theyre always inventing crap like that. So anyway, I was looking over all the candidates and I remembered having seen a poster advertising one of them. I think he was in my Modernity class. I dont know. Can you leave me alone? I have shit to do and I dont really care. A minority of students, however, had other reactions to the campaign strategy. You cant just tell me who to vote for! screamed Polly Ticks 15. [Continued on page 2]

Herbst: Adding Grape Juice to Menu Just What We Needed to Become Top Tier
HAMILTON, NY In a recent addition to the Colgate cafeteria system, grape juice is now being served at both the Coop and Frank. Despite its flavorful and nostalgic essence, the purple pleasure is often absent from the collegiate world, and its introduction at Colgate is gathering more than a passing notice. Erik Foldron 15 said, Ive been on the fence about transferring every since I started my second year here, but with the presence of this purple perfection how could any other college compare? Other students have been seen sporting scratch-and-stiff temporary grape tattoos on shoulders in support of the new drink choice. President Herbst said, This is exactly the sort of reaction we expected from the student body and that grape juice is just what we needed to get ahead of those ratbastard ivies in college rankings. In light of students admiration for the new drink the Chapel cupola will be using the purple lights normally reserved for LGBTQ awareness. Of course, not all the effects of the new drink are positive. Recently a vandal struck in the Coop, spilling the life-blood of every soda machine not bearing the holy grape drink. In a pool of cherry coke and orange juice, a wading Coop worker suggested that maybe adding the new drink wasnt such a grape idea after all. In another incident, Julie Cartwell 16 reported that purple dye was thrown into a washing machine filled with her clothes, after she suggested to some friends, that the grape juice was a bit too strong. Herbst responded to these incidents, saying Who hasnt gotten a little grape crazy these past few weeks? and assuring that, if anyone thought the grape juice was too strong, they need a little more water and a hell of a lot less attitude.

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[Continued from page 1] Ms. Ticks went on to say Im an involved and responsible adult, and I care about the issues plaguing this campus! One candidate promises to make all faculty office hours available online,

while another says he listens to my voice. You cant just flippantly choose to sacrifice one of those for the other. This is a serious matter and I want everyone to think about its consequences as seriously as I have, goddamit. And no candidate has brought

up the healthcare issue... Oh god. What if they cut student healthcare?! What if I have to start paying for my counseling center appointments?! Id have to take out another student loan, and with the rates going up Id just-- Oh god! I have to get out of here!

Following this statement, Ms. Ticks threw her chair through a window and leaped outside, taunting our staff to try and catch her now. She is still at large, and her disappearance had brought the minority down to exactly 0% of the student population.

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

My friends, It is with a heavy heart that I bid all of you adieu. This will be the last issue published under my leadership, and while I heartily welcome the opportunity to spend a weekend commando-ing my way around campus in a black graduation robe, stepping down from The Monthly Rag will truly be a difficult moment in my life. I mean yes, it can be tiring to constantly try to find humor in the frozen wasteland that is the campus. And yes, sometimes our free-spirited journalism is taken the wrong way and I have to put on pants and stand before a tribunal, but, in a way, these labors have made it all the more rewarding. And Im going to miss it. Heading this publication and being your editor-in-chief is actually very much like being in whole thing intact to want to let it go. It may not be the most productive use of my time, but it makes me happy and I want it in my life for as long as possible. But, of course, I realize that since Ill be going away, I cant reasonably ask you to do a distance relationship. Plus, I know that youll be in the hands of someone younger than me, more handsome than me, and with a much more splendid beard than me, and I dont want to torture myself by agonizing over how faithful youre being. So I think its for the best that both of us end it now while its still easy. I hope that we can stay friends and awkwardly make small talk whenthat, but somewhere be- ever we bump into one antween all the superficial- other in the future. Thank ity there was something you readers, its been fun. genuine and human, and I wish all the best to my Im too damn proud of successor, and Ill see myactually having kept this self out.

a relationship. Sure, a lot of it starts out with me being drunk and goofing around and wanting to make penis jokes, and you being okay with all

Disclaimer: The Monthly Rag is a satirical newspaper. All material published herein is fictional, though at times indistinguishable from actual acts of insanity perpetuated on campus. If you find yourself question whats real and whats satirical exaggeration, welcome to the human condition.

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Staff
Editor-in-Chief Slava Fedorchuk Executive Editors Monica Dutia Dan Matz Dan Swiecki Megan Radogna Submissions by: Elisha Goberdon Slava Fedorchuk Jake Lightman Ryan Gavigan Dan Swiecki Dan Matz Kathryn Carrol Katie Avery

World Textile Industry Braces for SPWs Tank Top Demand, Anticipates Usual Excess of Leftover Sleeves
HAMILTON, NY Tank tops have been a staple of Colgates Spring Party Weekend since the first SPW 130 years ago. Anthropology major Penny Armstrong, who is currently doing her senior thesis on the subject, explains the singular importance of the sleeveless tee in Colgates culture: They are worn in all colors by all students to show off muscles, promote excessive partying, or just to have a damn good time. Tank tops are to SPW like Jgerbombs to bad decisions. But with such a high demand for tank tops, how is the textile industry to compensate for a shortage in tank tops and surplus of sleeves? In an exclusive interview, Hank Hopps, CEO of a leading textile firm in the U.S., enlightened us on the advance production adjustments to prepare for the expected shortages and surpluses. As you know, Colgates SPW has a long-standing tradition of increasing the demand for tank tops. To compensate, Hopps remarked, our company must begin overproducing tank tops and moving sleeves directly after Christmas. When asked what the company does with the surplus of sleeves, Hopps noted two business directives. We are huge philanthropists, so many times we send the surplus sleeves to third-world countries where many people cant afford sleeves. However, he claims to have another idea hidden up his sleeve. These hipster kids these days, he theorized, they always enjoy the new weird clothing trend. Maybe theyll take to a new separate sleeves style. Yeah, we should market that, separate sleeves. Economists remain fascinated by Colgates market power. Were looking at a giant philanthropy effort and possibly a new trend, both rooted in the hallowed tradition of SPW tank top demand, explained Marge Inalchost of the Economics Department. If we werent so dependent on liquor imports, Id advocate for Colgate to become its own country.
Lost: Balance Found: Ground Lost: Mary-Jane Found: Molly Lost: Sanity Found: SPW

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Lost & Found

Found: bathroom toilet

Lost: two nights worth of drinks, second half of dinner

Also Found: sink, entryway carpet, room-mates pillowcase

Classifieds

SPW committee seeking group to perform with Goo Goo Dolls. Honestly just looking for a DJ to play EDM so everyone will get off our backs about the Goo Goo Dolls. Please? Anyone at all?

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HEALTH UPDATE: Drinking Superstar Hospitalized After Game of Water Pong

HAMILTON, NY Sophomore international student Yuri Medvedev was tragically hospitalized last weekend after participating in drinking games. Medvedev, a native of Moscow, had grown up immersed in an alcohol rich culture, and always embraced drinking. However, one night, Medvedev grew overconfident enough to risk playing a game of water-pong. I am, how you say, cultural stereotype? Yes. Where I come from, to drink, it is normal, he explained. We have saying, house without vodka is like dog vomit. I think, what is harm of drinking game? Drink always good. Game always good. Drinking game must be good. However, in spite of Medvedevs daily regimen of 13 shots, he was not physically prepared for the demands of drinking games. As soon as he launched his first ping pong ball, he felt his stomach lurch and began slurring his speech. Within minutes, he was completely out of control, and had ingested enough water to kill most normal human beings. It was horrifying to watch, confessed Medvedevs longtime friend Kerry Zateem. Normally Yuri is just harmlessly drunk off his ass, but seeing him so bloated, chugging all that water, I didnt know what to do. I thought his stomach was gonna burst. Everyone was pretty concerned. Zateem began to worry when Medvedev excused himself from the game to go to the bathroom. When he did not return within five minutes, Zateem sought him out, and found him standing over a toilet, still urinating. She insisted that Medvedev had ingested too much, and when he turned around to reply, he reportedly slipped on a wet spot and sustained a major concussion. It was at that point that Zateem decided to call campus safety and transport Medvedev to the hospital. Im just glad he survived, that was a close call she said. Ive definitely learned my lesson about the dangers of drinking games. I just hope other students hear about what happened and realize that drinking games always lead to disasters. Its important for us all to make the right choice and binge drink on our own terms, in the safety of bars and dorm rooms, rather than follow some preposterous set of rules.

Student Sets Thats What She Said Record at Holi

HAMILTON, NY Junior Scott Michaels triumphantly returned from Holi with 47 self-recorded Thats What She Said, or TWSS, moments for the day, putting him far above his previous record of 17. The festival, an annual springtime tradition wherein attendees throw colored powder at one another, proved to be a ripe source of TWSS material. It was amazing taking in something so big last time, Michaels said, reflecting on his past record. I didnt think Id ever find an experience more intense. But I did, and it felt amazing. My entire body is still shaking just thinking about it. Michaels realized that Holi participants often made comments about the presence of foreign substances in their eyes, hair, mouth, teeth, and noses after being subjected to barrages of colored powder. Seizing the opportunity, Michaels targeted the faces of his classmates, following up with proud shouts of Thats what she said! after hearing their reactions. Michaels described himself as feeling all tingly with excitement every time he pulled of a successful discharge. Aside from breaking a personal record, Michaels was also pleased by the general experience of Holi. I just loved the color of it, and how it got me sweating and got my blood pumping, he summarized. He did, however, have some mild misgivings about the presence of garden hoses at the event: There was practically no time between when I saw that giant hose and when I felt myself get completely wet. I mean, I didnt mind, it was just the suddenness of it, and that shock when you realize its coming right for you, that took me a little bracing to handle. Currently, Michaels holds second place on the entire campus for TWSS. He narrowly trails Professor Jennifer Stark, who specializes in teaching courses on literature written by female authors. Professor Startk routinely secures TWSS points whenever her students quote their reading assignments.

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Students Utterly Befuddled By Shiny Object In Sky

HAMILTON,NY As students left their rooms for class last week, they were shocked to see a mysterious, glowing circle in the sky. It was so weird, said senior Ashley Spinelli. The first thing that threw me off was the blue sky. Since when is the sky not grey? Students found themselves distracted by this atmospheric change until they noticed a bright light overhead. Squinting, they looked towards the source: a pale yellow disc floating far above them. Spinelli continued, I could barely look at it. It was so bright, it hurt my eyes. It was so powerful. Some students, like Spinelli, saw danger in this glowing object. They hid in the underground tunnels on campus with enough canned food to last for three weeks. Most students, however, did not share this response. Led by Classics and Religion majors, many students congregated on Whitnall Field to worship what they called The Circle of Light. After appropriating a similarly named childrens tune, The Colgate 13 led students in song to celebrate this intimidating sphere. Colgates dance groups, led by the Bellydancing Club, performed an interpretative dance in the circles honor. Masque and Triangle members created a skit celebrating the circles short history. Students chanted and bowed to The Circle of Light, hoping it would grant them eternal Jug prosperity. An hour after The Circle of Light appeared, greyness filled the sky and enveloped it. The circle left just as mysteriously as it appeared. Worshipping students exchanged awkward glances and shuffled off to the library, uncertain if The Circle of Light would ever appear again. Science majors, who were working in their labs in Cooley at the time, were unavailable for comment.

Solitary Administrator Troubled By Lack of Social Drinkers on Campus, Calls for Return to Old Ways
HAMILTON, NY In the wake of College Prowlers updated rankings, all but one of Colgates administrators have been pleased with the schools drop from the top spot on the list of social drinkers. The now outspoken alumnus Alfred Cohlic represents a group of graduates who believe that we have an obligation to uphold our drinking heritage. The frustrated admin istrator said, when people think of Colgate, they think of students drunkenly stumbling down Broad Street and making poor decisions downtown. Thats where the real college experience happens. Thats where the memories get made. Or theoretically would get made, anyway, if everyone wasnt blacked out. But you get what Im saying. Cohlic went on to say that the campus needs drinking to stay beautiful, pointing to the beneficial effects of vomit and its capacity to act as a nutrientrich compost. We cant just disregard an important part of university culture, concluded Cohlic. We need to evenly balance our academics and drinking. Statistically, that means doing diligent classwork three and half days a week, and then being drunk the other three and a half days. The Mathematics department has so far conceded that technically, hes right. Branches of the Philosophy and Anthropology departments have also flocked to the causes side, arguing that Hey, you cant enforce morality because morals are relative. The Physics Department, a long time advocate for the study of fluid dynamics, has also noted that Cohlics vision has potential. The collective Administration, however, remains unmoved. Weve heard Cohlics points and we understand where hes coming from, but the issue isnt alcohol, its the social element that we cant tolerate, explained one admissions insider, who has asked to remain anonymous. Students can do whatever they want in the darkness of their rooms, but letting it out in public means publically accepting their boorish behavior. Now even the Newman community is a part of this horrible culture, and they think that just because they call it communion we cant smell the drinking game element? I for one wont rest until weve repealed the 21st Amendment and brought this nation back to its glory days. Cohlic has responded by declaring his office offcampus housing and holding publically open keg parties. Beats chipwiches, remarked one prospie.

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10 Things to do with your Prospie

Is there a high school senior with an unpronounceable name sleeping on your floor? Is that one girl you kinda-sorta knew from home crashing on your couch this weekend? Fear not! We at the Rag have compiled a list of activities that will convince your prospie that Colgate is the school for them. And if it doesnt work out, at least you can say you know someone with PTSD. 1. Go to Frank at 12:00 for lunch: Your prospie has probably never been called a bagel-stealing-bitch before. She has also probably never accidentally cut four lines at once, seen a waffle iron spontaneously combust, or had her food served by one of Captain Jacks crew before either, but hey, theres a first time for everything. If she comes out alive, shes probably a keeper. 2. Walk in the Field of Dreams: Theres nothing more enjoyable than an afternoon spent observing the connoisseurs of hallucinogenic drugs. Your prospie will be be blown away by the diverse activities of these frosted frolickers as they roll in the grass and throw leaves at each other. 3. Visit the 5th floor of Case: The reading room is an excellent place for your prospie to see just how studious Colgate students can be. Stop by the cafe first so that your prospie can enjoy a bag of crunchy chips and a nearly empty cup of iced-coffee on her tour. 4. Fraturday: No Colgate visit is complete without this crucial experience. What could possibly be more pleasant than a night of sweaty grinding and public vomiting? Seeing it in the daylight. 5. Enjoy some local cuisine: if your prospie has a soft spot margaritas, take her to La Iguana. If your prospie has a soft spot for diarrhea, take her to Main Moon. 6. Attend an atheltic event: Victory is uncertain. Snowfall is guaranteed. 7. Take a walk through town: From the darkened displays of Maxwells, to the hallowed aisles of Price-Chopper, there are many interesting things to see in Hamilton. Want to pay $90 for a pair of Colgate gloves? Visit the bookstore! Want to physically age while waiting for your food? Stop by 22 Utica St. Cafe! Have a dog and a car? Weve got a place that will wash them both! 8. Go to a pub: Whether its for your intramural chess team, or your Chobani Appreciation Club, your prospie will definitely want to see you interact with your people. After all, what could be better than a bunch of drunk kids talking about how much they love anime? 9. Stop by the Gym: Want to feel like shit? Want to remind your prospie that there are better looking, less-gelatinous humans on campus? Stop by Trudy Fitness Center and join the other girls on the ellipticals. Tell your prospie to turn on Say Yes to the Dress and shell fit right in. Speaking of putting on dresses and things you shouldnt say yes to... 10. Go to the Jug: No explanation needed.

Maroon News Origin Traced Back to Psych Experiment

HAMILTON, NY Colgate psychology professor Jacob Hill revealed this week that the Maroon News is the product of a long term, complex experiment attempting to prove the validity of a very old theoretical exercise. The old idea of infinite monkeys in a room with infinite typewriters that will eventually produce a Shakespeare play was the basis of our experiment, said Hill. Unfortunately, all weve managed to get so far is the Maroon News. The publication, Americas oldest weekly college newspaper, was founded in 1868 by a collection of psychologists and English professors who were attempting to prove this idea correct, according to testimony by a board of faculty members led by Professor Hill. Our predecessors found the results of their survey came out as fairly unintelligible nonsense, and they decided to see if they could get any use out of it at all, and thus the Maroon News was founded. Reaction from the students and faculty of the university has been overwhelmingly accepting of the news, with one student saying, Oh, now it finally makes sense. All those grammatical mistakes and factual inaccuracies are only there because a bunch of monkeys are writing it. I should have thought of that a long time ago. [Continued on page 7]

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[Continued from page 7] Hill would not reveal the location of the monkeys, but he did hint at their area, saying, They're loudest at night, so we had to put them under some place that would drown out their screams and animalistic grunts. Lets just say one Hamilton landmark fits that description pretty much exactly.

Medieval Studies Plans Lancefest, Promises Colgates Rennaisance

HAMILTON, NY As whispers of Dancefest begin to circulate around campus, a few smaller organizations have been feeling neglected. Sophomore Emily Fynne, better known as the High Wench of Whitnall Borough, has invested a great deal of time in promoting an alternative festival. Ms. Fynne criticized Dancefest for being an unapologetic display of hedonistic vulgarity and stressed that students should really be interested in the Medieval and Renaissance Departments upcoming event, Lancefest. Ms. Fynne, a Medieval and Renaissance Studies major, shares her departments passion for medieval weaponry and dueling. Lancefest, which is scheduled to run the same weekend as Dancefest, is an annual celebration of swords, longbows, chain-mail, and yes, lances. My favorite weapon is the mace, Ms. Fynne told The Monthly Rags interviewers over a late night slice, many people are unaware that the spiked mace was originally a peasant weapon, but Ive always had a soft spot for anything that can bludgeon. Hang on, I need more cheese. Although our chat was cut short as Ms. Fynne was preoccupied with milking a goat, she encouraged our found the perfect formula. We realized that students wouldnt walk on the steps if completely frozen over, said Rhodes, so we decided to carefully freeze the front of each step. This makes the steps seem safe, but in reality, one false plant, and that student will be on his/her butt for the remaining steps, continuing to slide down. Hoping to make even further adstaff to stop by to do a follow-up interview accompanied by some knife play and a chalice of mead. Lancefest was created five years ago by a professor who has since left Colgate to wander the country as a traveling bard. Since then, this medieval celebration has retained a small but loyal following of Skyrim enthusiasts and virgins. Attendees can meet a professional falconer, duel with a selection of weapons, or participate in a game of grouse, grouse, pheasant. However, students should refrain from any mention of ring around the rosie, as many of the more enthusiastic participants claim to have lost family members to the plague. The highlight of Lancefest is the ceremonial catapult launching which begins at midnight on Saturday. For a nominal fee of five silver coins, (though sorcerers trained in the secrets arts of gate-cash will also be available) students can be hurled from a catapult into Taylor Lake. Although hypothermia is a common result, Junior David Brown assures me that this is one of the most exhilarating activities at Colgate; Last year, the excitement caused me to soil my breeches, but it was totally worth it man. vancements next winter, Rhodes looks to focus on the path from Frank to Trudy. He notices the steepness of the path and the lack of proper footwear worn to the gym, but he is unsatisfied with the low number of slips. He hopes to take his success to the next level this coming November. As of now, Rhodes is the only person at Colgate looking forward to winter.

B&G Celebrates Slippery Winter

HAMILTON, NY They came, we worked, they slipped. John Rhodes, the man behind that motto, and the head of road maintenance for Buildings and Grounds, had a lot to say about this past winter. In particular, he wanted to highlight some of the institutions new techniques. It has been a long winter, but Im proud to say that we have come up with even more innovative techniques to make the roads on campus as slippery as possible for students. It has been a well known goal of Buildings and Grounds to attempt to make the roads as slippery as possible for Colgate students and faculty, but this year they have taken their efforts to a whole new level. According to Rhodes, the crew has been able to find the perfect amount of snow to clear off the roads at the perfect time so that the remains will freeze overnight into a hard, sleek sheet of ice. If we leave one quarter inch on the ground at around 7:45 PM, it turns into ice that rivals Starr rink, claims Rhodes. Buildings and Grounds put a lot of emphasis this year on the Persson steps. It has been an area that they have not had much experience with, but they believe to have

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The 13 Days of SPW: A Song About Us

When youre drunkenly marching down the street this SPW, and you feel a song coming on, why not represent your school instead of just parroting the radio like everyone else? Let your self expression flow!

On the seventh day of SPW

My jug hookup gave to me: seven Jug jackets, six free condoms, five STDs, four drunken texts, three lit joints, two sleeveless tees, and a friend who makes fake IDs. My jug hookup gave to me: eight points from campo, seven Jug jackets, six free condoms, five STDs, four drunken texts, three lit joints, two sleeveless tees, and a friend who makes fake IDs. My jug hookup gave to me: nine AM drunk class, eight points from campo, seven Jug jackets, six free condoms, five STDs, four drunken texts, three lit joints, two sleeveless tees, and a friend who makes fake IDs. My jug hookup gave to me: ten shots of vodka, nine AM drunk class, eight points from campo, seven Jug jackets, six free condoms, five STDs, four drunken texts, three lit joints, two sleeveless tees, and a friend who makes fake IDs.

On the eleventh day of SPW

My jug hookup gave to me: eleven Keystone Lights, ten shots of vodka, nine AM drunk class, eight points from campo, seven Jug jackets, six free condoms, five STDs, four drunken texts, three lit joints, two sleeveless tees, and a friend who makes fake IDs.

On the first day of SPW

My jug hookup gave to me: a friend who makes fake IDs.

On the second day of SPW

My jug hookup gave to me: two sleeveless tees, and a friend who makes fake IDs. My jug hookup gave to me: three lit joints, two sleeveless tees, and a friend who makes fake IDs.

On the eight day of SPW

On the third day of SPW

On the fourth day of SPW

My jug hookup gave to me: four drunken texts, three lit joints, two sleeveless tees, and a friend who makes fake IDs. My jug hookup gave to me: five STDs, four drunken texts, three lit joints, two sleeveless tees, and a friend who makes fake IDs. My jug hookup gave to me: six free condoms, five STDs, four drunken texts, three lit joints, two sleeveless tees, and a friend who makes fake IDs.

On the ninth day of SPW

My jug hookup gave to me: twelve Colgate confessions, eleven Keystone Lights, ten shots of vodka, nine AM drunk class, eight points from campo, seven Jug jackets, six free condoms, five STDs, four drunken texts, three lit joints, two sleeveless tees, and a friend who makes fake IDs.

On the twelfth day of SPW

On the fifth day of SPW

On the thirteenth day of SPW

My jug hookup gave to me: thirteen nights out in a row, twelve Colgate confessions, eleven Keystone Lights, ten shots of vodka, nine AM drunk class, eight points from campo, seven Jug jackets, six free condoms, five STDs, four drunken texts, three lit joints, two sleeveless tees, and a friend who makes fake IDs.

On the tenth day of SPW

On the sixth day of SPW