Learn To Be Charismatic

Inspirational leaders have charisma. People want to hear what they have to say and do what they advise. But can you learn to be inspiring? Sure. Here are three things you can do to build your charisma:

Focus on others. Don't concentrate on what you need and want. Understand what others care about. The more you relate on a human level the better. Put yourself out there. Seek out and engage others. Be upbeat whenever possible so others feel the same way. Communicate you care. Charismatic leaders are verbally expressive. Tell stories. Use concrete examples. Talk about your feelings. All of these things will invoke common ground in an audience.

TIP: Be Assertive While Being Yourself

If you're reserved, you've likely been told you need to be more assertive at work. But if that's not your natural style, how can you still ask for what you need and get what you want? Here are three ways:

- Start with a success inventory. To understand when your style is effective or not, spend a week assessing your success. Before a meeting, ask yourself, "What do I want?" Then, afterwards, evaluate the results.

- Set small goals. Challenge yourself with a specific goal. For example, give yourself a week to initiate three difficult conversations with colleagues. Or promise that in group discussions for the next month, you'll speak up within the first two minutes.

- Build relationships. If you hold back because you're uncomfortable with your coworkers, consider interacting more with colleagues outside of work so that you feel more at ease speaking up.

You cannot please everyone, so stop trying

Aesop, a storyteller who lived in ancient Greece, once said Please all and you will please none; the truth scattered all around us in every bit of our lives. I havent observed exception to this; but seen many poor souls ending up bare handed, trying to please everyone. Its your instinctive self belief and persistent urge to be good in the eyes of others, which make you audaciously overlook this principle. You need endorsement of your goodness from others. Inherently, you dont wish to offend and push people, but make every possible effort to please them. Who knows when youll need their help in future? You cant afford to say no for your own obvious cause and mental peace.This is surprisingly paradoxical. Watch out next time, how far you go to please everyone in your long list of friends, family, relatives, bosses, peers, team members, society etc.? Trying to please all is akin to keeping aside your own self and dance to the tunes of expectations of people around you. No wonder, opportunists will not wait even for a second to fleece you, opponents will go all the way to make you stand out as a wavering character whose actions are triggered, to the extent of flattery, merely to make everyone happy. Long before I came across Aesops saying, I grew up seeing my granny with this firm belief even Gods cant match up to everyones whims and fancies. She used to narrate a mythological fable, which had a strong message, and the teaching held universal relevance Man mustnt try to please everyone for he is a mere mortal. Even God, with all the mighty powers, is not able make everyone happy. Hindu God, Lord Shiva, after marrying Parvati, was returning to his abode, mount Kailash. They were riding the sacred bull Nandi, their vehicle. The journey was long, exhaustive and tiring. Suddenly they noticed people coming from opposite side murmuring and passing on strange looks. One of them yelled, How cruel the Lord and his newly wedded wife is, both are riding Nandi; not thinking even once about the poor and dumb animal. Lord Shiva realized his mistake. He got down and started walking beside Nandi, while Parvati was still sitting; fatigued and sapped. A couple of minutes passed before someone from the group, commented once again, look, what a disrespectful lady. Herself sitting, and making the bare foot, poor husband walk. Parvati felt guilty. How could she be so unrelenting to her husband? She insisted Lord Shiva to sit on Nandi for the rest of the journey. She got down and started walking. This time an old lady, from the group passing by, got astonished to see the Lord making his wife walk while himself riding Nandi. What an insensitive husband the Lord is, making his beautiful wife walk on the gravelly passage. She must be suffering a lot, the lady said to her companions with a contemptuous laughter. It was too much by this time for Lord Shiva and Parvati. They were sick by now with frantic and delirious comments of people.

There was still an option left. Lord Shiva got down and started walking along with Parvati. He thought, Nandi also needs some rest after carrying them on his back for so long. This must be fine with everybody, He murmured, making sure that Parvati listened it. After a couple of minutes they felt faint laughs and giggles seemingly coming from the groups crossing them. They overheard two young ladies. One of them talking and pointing to Lord Shiva, I dont believe that Lord Shiva and his wife can be so foolish. Its not intelligent to bother their feet when they have Nandi, their vehicle, with them. Cant they ride on him? After all, whats the use of this healthy and fat bull. Lord Shiva lost his cool as there was nothing he could do now. He tried everything to please everyone. He stopped for a while, as if contemplating his move. He decided something, talked to Parvati; and next moment they both were riding on Nandi. They enjoyed rest of the journey; and Nandi also had a sense of gratitude for serving his master, Lord Shiva and his wife Parvati. Moral of the story is loud and clear. Weigh your options and act on your conscience; you simply cant please every soul. Be conscious to your actions and identify the right persons who are being affected and who matter to you. This equally applies whether you are in office, at home, or any place where you interact with people, including internet. Stop worrying what others will say: What people will say if I assert, if I stand to my boss, if I take this project up, if I speak in the forum, if I marry this person, if I protest against atrocities, if I help that poor fellow. the list is never ending. The biggest irony of our lives is that we spend most part worrying about the thinking of others. Those who broke the shackles, live happier life with prospering careers. Stop worrying about others; as in any case you cant respond to everyones expectations. Remember, nothing in this world is universally acceptable to all. Former first lady of U.S. Anna Eleanor Roosevelt once said Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for youll be criticized anyway. Youre damned if you and damned if you dont. Learn to say NO: Some people will immaculately barge into your space at the most

inappropriate moment, or will ask for the favors which may cost you valuable time, money, work, and projects. Politely say NO to such advances; or buy time to think over. Believe me, the world will not crumble, the people will still love you, theyll respect your assertions and will never mess around with you.

Be assertive in your demands: Be empathetic and assertive at the same time. Meekness and submission is grossly ineffective tool to please anyone but you. Be straightforward in your demands. Realize the worth: Ask yourself, Is it really worth doing? This gives you much needed cause to take decision. Its perfectly fine to refuse people for the work which you dont consider worth doing. Stop jumping into something unworthy merely to please someone. Dont defend unnecessarily: Dont defend or offer reasons for your decisions. This backfires and gives inroad to people to coax and cajole you to have their way. Explaining reasons for your decisions to everyone is not called for; but certainly to people with stakes, like your superiors or team members. Stop being scared of the outcome: Dont be afraid of the fallout. People think far less than what we assume them thinking. Politely asserting your point and action dont make difference to anyones life. You always have options, weigh them: Know that you have all the freedom on this earth to say NO or pick one of the numerous ways available to move forward. Analyze your options in detail and stick to them. Anyway, youll have some people pointing fingers and passing remarks. Let it be that way; but with a caution know the constituencies who matter to you. Dont offend them You cant do everything for everyone: Even Gods are grossly unsuccessful in pleasing everyone. Realize your limitations and work within them. Preserve your time and energy; these are far greater fortunes than pleasing every soul around you. Set your priorities: Mark your boundaries and set your priorities clearly with respect to time and tasks. They must be sacrosanct to you. Youll find yourself in better position to take decisions with your priorities visible, irrespective of the reactions of the people who dont matter in broader sense. Choose your friends carefully: Choose your allies carefully as thoughts, mindset, and beliefs are dangerously contagious. Various surveys indicate that familiarity is the major cause when people alter their decisions and compromise, to accommodate everyone and try to please all. Watch out, this certainly has a role to play in every part of your life. Define your limits: Your capabilities are limitless; your potential cant be confined to boundaries. There are contradictions inbuilt in this belief. You need to channel your resources, and precisely define your boundaries. Work with complete awareness within your limits . Dont jump over to please everyone around you. Stick to your guns worrying about your happiness and achievements. Do things for yourself: Beyond everything else in the world, you are an individual with unique identity. Do things for the person you love the most, YOU. Do what you enjoy doing. Pamper yourself on achieving goals, develop hobbies, and enjoy your own company. Remember, in priority list YOU comes on the top. Please yourself. Thats not as difficult a task as pleasing others. Make YOU happy, dont care about pleasing all. Remember, its not selfishness to take care of yourself, your loved ones, your priorities, and your time. Anyway, you can neither please all nor can you seal each lip who blabbers on every bit of your life.

You mustve read and listened this numerous times Be who you are, and say what you feel, because those who mind dont matter and those who matter dont mind .. But some does matter and they mind also, finding them and tuning up to them is the art; master it.

Why perfection is your biggest enemy?

I am a perfectionist, replied the intelligent candidate in response to astute interview question, what is your weakness?. How many times you replied like this candidate? Probably, most of the times. Perfectionism is gifted trait but is so immaculate, so flawless that it is identified with huge negative connotation. Are you perfectionist? Have you ever realized that perfectionism can be your greatest enemy? Have you realized that strive of being perfect takes huge toll on your life and relationships? Adaptive perfectionism is good to some extent where you are adaptable to your surroundings. The more critical and dangerous is the non-adaptive perfectionism which is hard, rude and brash and is oblivious to the environment.

Nobody is perfect in this world. The beauty of our world lies in its imperfection and randomness. Lets appreciate that. On the contrary, perfectionist lives in their own perfect world. They have two prominent sides of perfectionism; one side is to set relatively much higher standards for themselves. The second deleterious side is to suffer with self doubts, self-inflicted pressure of being perfect in every sphere of life. In extreme cases this transforms into disease, a serious behavioral disorder like OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and anxiety. This mental state also gradually takes toll on the body.

I stumbled upon a study by Dr. Prem S. Fry, Ph.D., research professor at Trinity Western University on perfectionism. It was startling to know from his research that those with high perfectionism scores ran a 51% increased risk of earlier death as compared to participants who had low perfectionism scores. Perfectionism is a virtue to be extolled definitely, says Dr. Fry, But beyond a certain threshold, it backfires and becomes an impediment. The impediment is the critical drawback concerning extreme perfectionists. Identify the perfectionist in you by following signals: 1. Set much higher standards for themselves: Contrary to your capabilities, you set extremely higher standards for yourself. You struggle to rise to those standards and ends up being short of attaining them. This further raises your stress level. 2. Struggle to meet the timelines: You struggle to meet the timelines in your quest to be perfect. Its always perfect or nothing for you. You forever carry pending work and rue consistently for not getting time to finish it off. There is grievous issue of prioritizing with you. 3. Find hard to accept others point of views: You are so engrossed and convinced with your thoughts that its hard for you to accept others point of view; or you accept it with a p inch of salt. Your standards are obviously higher and close to ideal in the given circumstances. 4. Bad delegators: As professionals, you are bad delegators. In order to complete the job with perfection, you tend to do everything yourself, in turn getting overburdened with work. 5. Focus on negative: You dont appreciate the 98% success rather rues on 2% of failure. You push upon the same on your colleagues and team. Strive for perfection snatches the happiness of small achievements from you. 6. Doubt on actions: You are so abrasive in scrutinizing your own actions that its difficult for you to take decisions. You chose perfection over speed. 7. Unrealistic expectations: You have unrealistic expectations from people around you. You tend to plant your own standards in the minds of other people, thus causing pain, mistrust, and frustration in them. Like any other obsessive disorder, the primary need is to accept the shortcomings. The flaw, unless identified, cant be worked upon. I have seen many individuals identifying themselves as recovering perfectionists and there is nothing wrong in accepting the fact. Actions to overcome perfectionism: The following conscious efforts certainly will be smaller steps towards recovery and modest success will motivate you further for improvement. 1. Forgive yourself for your defects: Nobody is perfect in every sphere, thats why the members in team complements each other. Your shortcomings remind you of being human. Dont punish yourself and your well wishers by pushing the cause of perfection too far. Magnifying your shortcomings and ruthless self scrutiny will take you nowhere. 2. Filter out essentials from non essentials: Every issue doesnt need your attention. Focus on what is needed and put your energy behind it. Its better to gain excellence in one task at a time rather than shooting for perfection in multiple tasks.

3. See the beauty of teamwork: No one is better than all of us is the mantra for team work. Work on your strengths to contribute. Let other members pitch in to overcome your shortcomings. Give ears and mind to others thoughts. 4. Excellence vs perfection: Understand excellence and perfection. Excellence is not binary, not black and white unlike perfection. Excellence is your desire to give best at all the times. Perfection is nervous response out of fear of being imperfect. Excellence gives sense of achievement of 98% and strives for 100%. Perfection repents for shortcoming of 2% and loses drive and motivation to attain 100%. Go for excellence not perfection. 5. Be rational: Accept and recognize the reality. We are not living in perfect world. Be rational in expecting from yourself and people around you. I reiterate; go for excellence. 6. Learn to fail: Edison learnt to fail consistently during invention of light bulb. He learnt 200 ways by which he couldnt make light bulb. As aptly said failure is the stepping stone for success. Learn to accept mistakes gracefully in front of others. Remember, nobody is perfect but many are blessed with gift of excellence. 7. Fail fast: Life is a high-risk-high-gain game with learning curve whose cost of failure is proportional to the timing of failure. Faster you fail, faster you learn. You will avoid costly mistakes at the later part of the project. 8. Take it easy on yourself: Nothing will stop by your brief absence. Take moments out from your busy life to rejuvenate. Dont overstretch. Pursue your hobbies. Believe me; you will grossly enjoy the imperfection and randomness around you. There are numerous critical actions, small steps towards excellence. This world is too imperfect to worry for. Imperfections also have a perfect pattern of symmetry. The scheme of things by God is away from our tangible perceptions. The Almighty is perfect and we are mortals of imperfection. Give yourself a chance now Dont wait for the perfect time; it will never come.