An open letter to believers and non-believers everywhere

Dear friends, Hi, I'm writing this in hopes all is well with you and your loved ones. May peace and grace be to you and yours. I've been thinking a lot in regards to some recent conversations and trying to put a lot of pieces together in order to help you and others better understand me, my life and my callings. Please bare with me, as it's a bit hard to explain everything I desire to mention in just a short letter, this one is a bit long. Not desiring to step on anyone's toes, I'm writing this to inform you of my past, present plans, as well as my spiritual ambitions and intentions. So here it is, my Bio of sorts. As my spiritual calling is in other directions, as well as it would be inappropriate and disrespectful to do so, I have no interest nor intentions to take over any administrative positions within any denomination. Nor do I feel called at this time to function as a church planter. Currently, I feel led to remain at New Hope Baptist Church, as Youth Director, biblical counselor, adult Bible-study moderator, and doing anything else I can do to in local church ministry. At this time, it took some 48 years to get here, I now understand my administrative spiritual calling is and has always been in regards to the scriptural, doctrinal, emotional, attitudinal, spiritual, metaphysical, psychological, behavioral, and relational well being, (etc.), of the Church universal. If you were at all wondering, it's basically what my church/Bible related Facebook posts have been about. For accountability purposes, my goal is to establish a denominationally-independent, yet Christianecuminical (unification within Christ), Systematic Theology (whole-Bible) based organization that I've tentatively entitled the Apostolic Discipleship Ministries. Currently, while concurrently attending CLD (contextualized leadership development) classes through Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, having already graduated with one diploma, you can say I'm currently writing curriculum of my own. None of which would at all be possible without the prayers and support of friends, family and church. When it's done, I hope to have a complete discipleship package. For the purpose of Church wholeness, while the task seems monumental, my goal is for this organization to use the Bible as the foundation in regards to the standardization of such issues as Systematic Theology, biblical doctrine, biblical interpretation, biblical translation, spiritual administrative hierarchy, and unity, as well as Christian maturity (behavior, attitudes, etc,). These are issues I've seen first hand, and known about, since my early childhood. What I saw was mature adults playing Christian. Ironically, since my early childhood conversion, I've felt like an outsider pretty much all my life. Feeling left out and in order to fit in, I allowed myself to become like everyone else. Consequently, this made me feel dirty and fake, to the point of questioning my salvation for many years. What I'm working on is for the purpose that other children can grow up in the Church and begin to function like mature Christians at younger and younger ages. I think we need more spirited Marjoe's, and we definitely need to stop losing Christian kids to the world once they get old enough to explore options (once they grow weary of the falseness and fakes). We need more put more into children so more of them will evangelize their homes and schools like Alex, a kid in our neighborhood children's outreach, that on his own and without prompting, just simply told his parents they need to get married because God said so. Out of the mouths of babes. Yes, his mother and father did get married. Yet because of the way we traditionally treat children, that they should be seen only and never heard from (unless given permission or we demand it from them), we often fail to hear God through them and rather tend to give them reason to hate church. Children who want to obey God are not allowed to obey God, merely because adults simply refuse to believe they can learn anything from a

mere child. Had I told my folks what I knew that God wanted them to hear, I would have been spanked with a leather belt (or a spanking stick), bare-butt, in plain sight of everyone, and regardless of whomever could see. Who could blame them, they didn't know better and it was exactly how they themselves were taught. No one expected someone like me, saved as a kid, and with the full power of the Holy Spirit to boot, and actually taking the Bible serious. BTW, they didn't know because I personally hadn't yet spoke in tongues (an A.O.G. requirement to prove being filled with the Holy Spirit, thus proving salvation). I didn't know how, and I didn't know I was supposed to. I just thought such things were automatic, if they were to happen all. However, I did once as an adult legitimately (without knowing it or simply trying to force it out) speak in tongues while praying. I began that prayer in English, yet finished with the odd realization that I had been speaking in tongues. I never knew the moment I switched over. Had God not had his hand in my life, my parents (God knows I love them), as well as the Church itself, would have spanked salvation out of me. I wasn't rebellious, I just wanted to obey Jesus, the Bible, the law, my parents and my teachers. The problem wasn't me, it was that they all played by different rules. They were not on the same page, nor were they on God's page, at least not completely. It was the overwhelmingly palpable (to me differences in all those authorities that told me that something was wrong about them all. I could see, in my heart, the (verbal and non-verbal) incongruence in what everyone said and did. I could also see that virtually no one was (really) behaving like a disciple of Christ. Today, I know it as the God-Complex, it's that I want to be God sin-nature in all of us. It's what makes us defiant against God and God-ordained authority. It's what makes non-believers hate real Christians, and vise verse. It's what makes us demand out own way. It's also what makes us indifferent to the needs of others. It's what makes us behave like we have authority over everyone, until reality slaps us a good one. At the same time, it makes I see everyone as, at best merely an equal, and at worst, our doormats. Simple said, it pressures us from the inside to act like juveniles. In other words, sin prevents us from maturing mentally, psychologically, emotionally, attitudinally and socially into adulthood. By the time we grow up, internally (in our hearts) we're tired of the fact that no one sees us as God. No one gets it. However, and fortunately, we do manage to grow out of it to some degree as we learn to become sociable. Christians have the worst of it, as they reject being sinners (once saved), and that lack of acknowledgement of sin gives sin even more power over their lives. Jesus set us legally free, yet all too often our Stockholm Syndrome keeps us from knowing it. And it would seem that few, if any, know how to counsel such things. This should be what every mature Christian should be trained to handle. I've been serving in the ministry, and studying God's Word on my own, since I was about 14. Over the last 34 years I've done youth ministry, children's ministry, worship, teaching and more. These have all been part of what I would call a general call towards ministry. All have been pretty much support roles, rather than leadership roles. I did once find myself in one leadership role. However, lack of support and feeling like a fish out of water, it didn't last long. It is not so much that I don't feel led to take on other challenges or lead roles, it has more so been that these have been pretty much what circumstance and the lack of sanction have allowed. The one calling above all others is one I feel most deeply about and is one that I know the least about what to do. Frankly, it's the most scary of them all. I know that there are many different opinions about this topic and for the most part we're talking about something few even believe is relevant for today. With nothing but the Bible to guide me, and no one but the Holy Spirit to mentor me, I began to view the Bible as the defecto standard by which all else should be measured. Anything not measuring

up, was therefore unbiblical. Because I took the Word of God over everyone's opinion, I found I could really only see myself in one role. Using the God's Word, I asked myself was I a teacher? Yes, but only in the general sense. Was I called as a pastor? I feel I could pastor a church right now, but again, this would be only in the sense of the general call towards ministry. As for being called as an evangelist, missionary or church planter, I do not at this time feel led to step out in those directions. The calling on my heart, untainted by beliefs in regards to the obsolescence of the roles of Apostle and Prophet, is actually apostolic. Not because of anything special about me; not because I wish to rock the boat or cause any trouble; but more rather when looking at the Bible and my life, what I now comprehend just makes plain sense. Though I didn't realize it till rather recently, I was saved and filled with the Holy Spirit when I was just a child. Though no one knew it, especially me, I had the gifts of discernment of spirits, knowledge and wisdom. With just the Bible as my standard, and the desire to obey God. My life from then on was challenge after challenge. The giftings I had, being only a child and without proper mentoring nor discipling, I faced an uphill battle that only by providence did I make it to today. Letters such as this, where so much is laid on the line, are never easy to write as I've got no control over how it will be received. With that in mind, please read on with my intentions known up front. These are things that have been on my mind since early childhood. I'm not angry nor upset but rather feel the need to express them as they are simply dear to my heart. I'll begin with when I was saved. That date was so long ago into my childhood that I have no idea actually when it occurred. I am now certain that, as a child, I was saved and filled with the Holy Spirit (with the gifts of discernment, knowledge and wisdom). Sadly enough no one knew it, not even me. Because of this no one mentored me in this, nor bothered to ask. Though I grew up in the Church, my life's mentor has always been the Bible itself , and with that the Holy Spirit. In fact, I went up to get saved so many times in my childhood my own mother thought there was something wrong with me. She was just concerned like any normal parent should be. I simply didn't know I was saved. I didn't know what being saved meant, how it would feel, or what what to do next. I just went along with what everyone else was doing. Though wisdom and knowledge have been acknowledged in me by many as being advanced far beyond my age, the gift of discernment was never acknowledged. More rather that specific gift was a more of a source of conflict to the point of me feeling like a pariah. On the other hand, when I was only about 14, I was once asked by some deacons whether I would consider taking on the role of a deacon. I explained that I didn't feel qualified, nor was it in the rules. Their reply was that I should not concern myself with the rules. If I was willing, they would change the rules on my behalf. As tempting as that was, I chose to minster via sound engineering and helping in the library. Though till recently I never understood it, and quite honestly I fought long tooth and nail too reject it, I had inside me a servant's heart. I longed, as everyone else, to be uplifted to become all of what God had for me to become. I longed to lead others in following Christ. Though I loved to be a benefit to others, I hated being relegated by others to subordinate roles. Having been so long so subjugated to roles of servitude, I could never see myself in leadership. I had little to no self worth, and was undervalued by others. I simply settled for serving others. Mind you, several people have told me that did see great things in my future. These were those who likewise felt just as powerless as me to do anything about it but pray. Though my gift of discernment told me much of how far the Church was not aligned with God's will, I was just a kid with no self esteem, wanting to fit in and be like everyone else. I, like most of us, was taught to get with the program, learn our places, and deal with it. Yet looking back, I can see how Christ was teaching me that I needed a servant's heart. I needed to

learn not only to serve people but to serve the Lord. Though saved, because I was still playing Christian, I did not until recently comprehend exactly what serving God entailed. I found that I could not serve Him at a distance. I could not serve Him as others did. I also could not serve Him my way. I had to learn to simply just do what I'm told. To me, that did not compute. I got great at behaving myself as a mature adult. I knew intuitively what the Bible told us to do. By playing Christian I thought I was doing what I was told. I just figured I was supposed to fake it (force myself to behave myself) until it became second nature. At the same time, I never knew how I was supposed to behave. Unfortunately, this just made both adults and my peers upset with me, because there were too many varying person, family, and age, specific rules to follow. Though charming as I was said to be; Instead of being perceived as mature, I was seen as rude, impolite, proud, arrogant, and disrespectful (AKA self-righteous) by both kids and adults. Neither saw me as knowing my place. I recall in some detail how I once, like any other kid, screwed up by not doing what I was told. I think I was supposed to go on a play date with a friend after church, going home for the afternoon with that family. I think I failed to do so, having actually desired to play that afternoon with someone else (a non-believer). It was just an honest and innocent mistake, yet it infuriated the boy's father. He was beside himself how I didn't just, like all the other kids, automatically obey. Instead, to his derision, I actually thought before I did virtually everything. I had to, because I didn't do virtually anything without first conscientiously considering it and then consciously deciding what I was going to actually do. Just like I had to decide to sin, I also had to decide to obey. Here I was, in grade school, using logic and reason, making deductive moral/adult decisions, as well as deductive moral/adult judgment as to right and wrong. My life was my own and I somehow knew it. Of course it was, I was free from sin. I was no longer forced by inner nature to do anything evil or naughty. Sadly enough, no one knew to tell me what I was experiencing. They didn't know what I was experiencing, nor that I was experiencing it. And because I was just a kid, I didn't know consciously know it, my heart did. Thus I didn't even know to ask. The man I offended was our church's Sr. Outpost Commander of our Royal Ranger outpost, something like a church-based Boy Scouts. I was, as was his son, a member of his outpost. It was not that I didn't like his kid, I was just overwhelmed with the uncomfortable cognitive dissonance from seeing the false piety of so many non-Christlike Christians, that I began to prefer the realness of nonChristians. The result was that I was taken aside one day and aggressively, though not violently, lectured by that father, asking me who the (blank) do you think you are? He was asking me what gave me the right to mistreat his son. Likewise, he asked me why did I think I was better than anyone else. No, I didn't believe I was better than anyone. I actually felt worthless. Yet, just like any other kid, without much thought, acted on the impulses in my heart. Unfortunately. I was a child with no right to do so. I remember once while in grade school riding in a school bus to some field trip event, sitting there feeling all alone staring out the window and just crying. No one knew what brought me to tears, not even me. All I knew was that my heart hurt terribly and I could do nothing about it but cry. I recall once going to a youth convention once, where we were all supposed to get on the bus to leave back home, but at the last minute I just jumped off the bus and went back into the building as though driven off by some invisible force. I just stood there innocently waiting for someone to tell me what to do. Though I wanted to obey, and be on that bus, that I just could not do it. (At least not on my own.) My heart did not want to be there. I simply felt uncomfortable being around all those kids that to me, innocently as they were, unknowingly falsely represented Christ. Instead of honestly and compassionately looking into this, I was summarily lectured and chastised for causing so much trouble and panic.

---Although when I was 14 I gained a Christian mentor, of sorts, my high school Sunday school teacher and that church's sound engineer. He taught me in the ways of faith, mystically thinking, and the gifts of the Holy Spirit. What he didn't do was to mentor me on how to be a real Christian. Either I could not comprehend what he did try to teach me, or he failed to see that I was already filled with the the power of Holy Spirit. I just didn't know it and acted (naturally) in faith, just not in the major miracles sense. He simply taught me what he learned from the likes of Charles Caps, his personal hero, and those of Kenneth Hagin, Kenneth Copeland. That mentor, Jim Harris, while he did believe in the mystical in faith name it and claim it side of Christian doctrine, he was not that I knew of among the prosperity gospel ilk. What he didn't know to teach me, was what I now call the mechanics of how it worked. All I got was examples of people supposedly using faith. Their examples clouded the ones from the Bible. I was comfortable enough to learn from him, partly because he also taught me (a mere kid) sound engineering. Yet he, like all the rest, made me uncomfortable in my heart. Being just a kid, with how I felt inside, I didn't know who I could trust. Because, although I lived with my mother and father, yet my father was of the strict children must be seen and not heard mind set, I simply latched on to anyone that would pay much of any attention to me. No, I didn't even trust my own Christian mother and father. I just simply jumped through the required behavioral hoops of growing up, even though the grown-ups were more childish and naughty than us kids. Needless to say, I had already begun to resent attending church and being around other Christians. For the sake of personal sanity, though I desperately wanted to be the Christan God wanted of me, I slowly began to conform to the image of the world. There, I was comfortable. Though no one loved Christ, virtually no one was overtly false nor insincere. Mind you, by my late teens, I did find some solace losing myself in the masses by attending some energetic rock-music themed Jesus People youth worship services. Had I felt connected, I probably would have stayed with them. About that time I had began to purposely put work before church. To fit in, I partook in the ways of sin and vice. I learned to put on one face at church and several others while in the world. Through a regrettable misunderstanding, I mistakenly moved on from my mentor and virtually only friend. I was lost, lonely, insecure in my faith, and without purpose nor guide but the Bible and the Holy Spirit. Early on I focused on children's ministries through programs like the Royal Rangers. I even made it up to the status of Sr. Outpost Commander. I didn't have much help and I felt completely inadequate for the task. Neither the help I did have, nor the pastor of that church, supported me nor recognized God's authority working within me. He was more interested in me recognizing his authority over me. My fellow Christians looked at me as a rebellious non-conforming ingrate that they had to put up with. They were, in part, correct. I simply didn't want to conform to the image of the rebellious Church. Instead, I wanted desperately to conform to the image of Christ. I was convinced that the Church had somehow lost it's roots. I wanted to see the the Church return to her Bride-groom, Christ. All throughout my past, as sinful as I allowed myself to become, the one thing I held on to was my belief that God was indeed real. I studied God's Word on my own. I took on virutal mentors, Dr Chuck Missler, being the chief of them. And with a servant's heart, did ministry where I was allowed. As providence would have it, I later found just enough grace through a friend to allow me to tentatively, yet tenuously, be in youth leadership, in an assistive role. It's culturally questionable for a single adult male, especially a looked down upon loner, to be allowed unrestricted access to minors. Her husband, also a friend, allowed me, a fledgling musician, to continue on in serving on the worship team as a drummer and eventually as a bass player. He was actually supportive of me, yet only as long as I kept my place. I had only but a year or so before that discovered that God, for the sake of worship, had just then allowed me to learn how to play the drums. I went from being moderately musically incompetent to being on the worship team in a matter of just 3 months. It was only a few years after

this that I bought a bass and began to quickly learn to play. Before all of that, back in the 80's, I wrote a song and even learned to play it, but never much more than one handed and only one note at at time. Back then, I had some music knowledge, from grade school and having musicians for family, but I was never seen as all that musically talented. Though I tried several times to get a decent adult Bible-study program going, the only friends that would have anything long term to do with me and my classes were Razz and Kim Rasmussen. No other adult saw anything of value in what I taught nor their need to learn. Razz and Kim came more out of support for me than the materials I taught. One youth meeting where I was leading worship, I was so filled with the Holy Spirit that it was God Himself up there leading worship. I could see all the kids in the spirit, cheering, singling, clapping their hands and praising God. I could see myself enthusiastically and energetically leading worship, but it wasn't me. It was the Holy Spirit. After worship, I made the mistake of asking the youth pastor at that time, my friend and his wife by them had moved on, whether she noticed anything different about the worship service. She replied rudely and in the negative, completely killing the moment and sinking my heart into further despair. That youth pastor could not see past the depressed goth side of me. Ironically, the previous youth pastor was a goth yet failed to see me as a goth. She was a cultural glitter goth, yet she could only see me as a mere a goth wannabe. She could never see the true despair in my heart. Though I did for a while try to do the goth makeup and clothing bit, looking goth, just to fit it was just not in me. Though I tried to explain that I was goth before it even existed as a sub-culture, she could never see me as goth. Instead she saw me culturally as punk (simply non-conformist, counter-culture and bitter). Ironically, that was actually her. Not many years back, yet before I came to attend New Hope Baptist Church, where I currently attend and minister, during an alter call I received a word of knowledge from God through a friend. That friend told me that I and one other were the only ones, of the four he ministered to that night, God had a special message for. God's message for me was that 1) I was not a mistake, 2) my life had not turn out not as God had desired, and 3) He, God, was sorry for the way others had treated me. That friend had no clue I needed to hear all of that. In fact he was actually surprised when God used him to give messages to me and that one other. He had no idea I felt like a mistake, that others treated me that badly, and that God's plans for my life were that important to God. Through another friend there, I met Daisy. And through her I came to attend New Hope Baptist. Though obliviously not perfect, it was the first and only church I felt at home. My heart was finally at peace. Is it a church where no one puts up false fronts, no. It's just the only church I've attended where people are at least somewhat honest about their faults. Though far from perfect, it's where God seemed to want me and where I felt a gentle nudging for the Lord to help out in teaching adult Biblestudy, as well as do youth ministry. Though being a seasoned servant of Christ, because my other callings (heart driven desires) tended to require the recognition of others, I took the opportunity to submit myself to the challenge of being officially educated at the seminary level. I didn't feel the need to prepare for the ministry, for I was already (naturally) tenured. Because I was never officially recognized (ordained/degreed/sanctioned/etc.) in ministry, I sought to fill in some of the academic blanks missing due to years and years of mere self study. I, as many others I know, mistakenly assumed what this would look like under the SBC system of doing things. Yes, this is that ordination issue we discussed. My assumptions, based on my observances, were to 1) serve in ministry, 2) get educated, 3) get licensed, 4) intern (if not already in ministry), 5) get ordained, and 5) be sent/asked to serve as a senior or associate pastor somewhere. Who on earth could, let alone would, ordain me as a pastor, let alone to the childhood calling in my heart? Sure, I could always be a youth worker and Bible-study teacher, and perhaps some day, after

many more years of jumping through academic/spiritual hoops, an associate pastor, seminary professor, Bible-translator, or minor theologian. Yet because I'm no one special enough for those in positions of power to see me as at least a peer, plus I've got no way else to support Daisy and I (other than to work secular jobs), I'm forever at the mercy of those can and do make decisions. It's as if I've been some sort of threat all these years, as if they know I see the real them behind the curtains of their facades. One wrong word from an acknowledged me and I'll ruin everything. And I wish no evil on anyone. Taking another look back at my life, I've survived a number of life threatening situations. Well, let's just say I wasn't planned. I should have been ran over while riding my bicycle through an intersected that an ambulance was currently speeding though. While still living with my parents, my bedroom was hit by lightening twice in one night. The lightening even entered the very room I was sleeping. In fact, it was the only room it entered. Several times I should have been electrocuted by a space heater I would adjust while taking a bath. I also should have been electrocuted by a TV I inadvertently broke yet played around with because I found I could make it arc by sticking a pencil in the back while plugged in and turned on. One time, while being curious, I did just that and got knocked back against my bed. I'm sure there were many other situations that I'm not aware of, and don't recall. Later on, as a young adult, I survived many car wrecks, drug use, being shot at, and my own destructive hands. In my late 30's, being tired of of it all, I once chose to end it by purposely trying to fall asleep in my truck (with the engine running), while the truck was in my garage, and with all the doors shut). During that attempt, God (gently) ordered me to get in the house and sleep it off. While I did obey God, to my further dismay, two hours later I got a call in regards to whether or not I was going to show up at my niece's birthday. All I could do was put on yet another false front and participate in a party where I felt as usual, an outsider. In fact, I've always felt like an outsider. To my family, my friends, even my church. And most recently I survived a major stroke and recovered in just a matter of weeks, not months. My hospital stay was more to get my blood pressure under control, and assisting me in regaining my feet, than anything else. That was a mere two weeks. In all reality, they did nothing for the stroke itself. By the time I reluctantly dragged myself (via my dad), to the emergency room, I was already 3-4 days into recovery. I just needed my blood pressure under control and to learn to walk all over again. It would have been less had the doctors, for liability sake, not insisted I stay till they felt I was safe enough for by their standards for independent mobility. I started noticing something wasn't right on a Friday. My stomach was sour and my head felt dizzy. Saturday was worse. By Sunday I couldn't walk. Yet despite common sense and the urging from Daisy to get to a hospital, she insisted that the Holy Spirit said there was something majorly wrong with me, I simply rebuked the stroke in my heart. I refused to let it have control over me, it was not going to be the end of me. My miraculous healing had begun in that moment. Yet, because I now couldn't walk, I stayed mostly in bed until having to go back to work. I didn't regain my feet that fast. In the ER, it took 3 hours to figure out whether I even had a stroke. My symptoms simply didn't completely fit their description. Though the medical staff said to expect my recovery to take 6 months minimum, yet I was walking just fine in two weeks. They did nothing for my stroke, all they did for me was get my blood pressure back under control and help me retrain my legs. I've always felt different, like I was somehow not like others. To me, my self image was that of an ugly, gross, stupid, unwanted and unlovable monster. That was what I forced myself to believe what others saw in me. That became my self deception that made life livable. Ironically, the Incredible Hulk, not Jesus, became my childhood hero. I felt a lot in common with Bruce Banner's pain. Seriously, no one wanted the Hulk to come out me. Unlike Banner, I learned meekness and self control. Fear of authority, jail and further repelling others from me, made me force myself to never allow myself to get that far out of control.

One time when I was still no more than about seven, it took four people to restrain me in order for a nurse to give me a shot. And in JR high, it took at least twelve kids just to pick me up and throw me in a sand pit. Though I wasn't athletic, I did play football and was on the track team. I recall once where little me sacked the quarterback while in practice. No one saw it coming, and all I did was do what I thought was expected. What I should have been into was wrestling. I don't recall ever losing a match. On a different subject (given the audience), I should mention is that though I'm interested in hypnosis and related fields of study, I've never been successfully and completely hypnotized. I've hypnotized others, but no one has yet been able to get me that far down. That is, at least not to the point of somnambulism (that is, unquestioningly total and automatic compliance). I'm not claiming to be anyone special. It's like I've always been internally (spiritually) protected. While nothing could get in to supernaturally nor psychologically control me, I also felt like I was completely powerless in my own right. I let a friend once, 30 odd years ago, attempt to hypnotize me. While he was successful in getting me into a hypnotic trance state (I could do that on my own). He could not get past my internal spiritual protection. I was filled with the Holy Spirit and I didn't even know it. That is why I was not able to be hypnotized. The Holy Spirit in me did not recognize my friend as an authority that I must completely submit. Even today I have yet to find someone able to hypnotize me, even if just to help me past my personal problems. I can somewhat do self hypnosis, but guided by others, no. In fact, I've come to see why I've had so much trouble with authority. No one is doing it right. Instead of largely administrating the will of superiors and serving the needs of their subordinates, most authorities I've encountered have been too focused serving their own personal pursuits and interests. While I found it easy to recognize and submit to positions of legitimate authorities, I found those in those positions were not people I could completely and willingly submit. I just didn't trust them. They did not match the image of the authority of Christ as in the Bible, the defacto standard by which everything is else to be discerned. There was too much contrast between what the Bible taught and what I saw before me. At the same time, there were obvious incongruities between what people said and what their body language shouted. One hypnotist friend of mine suggested that I was merely hyper-vigilant (hypnosis resistant), a PSTD related disorder, from all I've been through. I'd be more willing to believe that, but only if I haded started out that way. What good it having the gift of discernment if no one, especially in positions of power, knows what it is, nor recognizes that it's the Holy Spirit in someone that gives them this discernment? It's not simply the miscellaneous ability to somehow know whether someone is demon possessed. It's more rather the God-given ability to recognize such things as attitudes, motivations, intentions, the discrepancies between verbal and non-verbal communication, and the difference between living the image of Christ and not. While those with this gifting should be recognized as being a major asset to the Church, those with it are instead looked on with fear, to be treated as lawless outcasts, boat-rockers, trouble-makers, heretics and other unwanted scum. They make us uncomfortable in that they, while not perfect in and of themselves, point us at the image of God and we want to flee. But instead of seeing how hypocritically holier than thou we've gotten, we reject them as being hypocritically holier than thou. Some things recently on my heart has been; Who will listen to the the Nathans, Isaiahs, Peters, Pauls and other sent ones? Has the Church not replaced the roles of apostles and prophets with biblically literate bureaucrats. Likewise, have not evangelists been relegated to the role of mobile pastors? And pastors, are the not now at the top of spiritual leadership? Have teachers any spiritual authority whatsoever? Why do ponder these things? Because it seems to me that we've rejected their authority, and the authority granted them through Christ. It's like we've turned the Bible from God's Word, into a book of good ideas for godly living. Do we think that because of grace that we no longer have to take God's

word literally nor seriously? How are not those that don't 'all that different than Talmudic styled believers? I'm not pointing the finger at anyone. We're all guilty. Me no less than anyone else. I knowingly chose to be a part of the system. The problem is that there is too much at stake here. Schisms within the Church have turned from mere differences in opinions/interpretations into powerful empires. Too many of these powerful administrators are neither apostles nor prophets. They either cannot hear, or will not listen, to the Holy Spirit. They are simply those who, while they very well be born-again spirit-filled believers, are looked up to for simply being admirable, aggressive, educated, ordained, tenured, and experienced. Because of this, many of them cannot (or refuse to) recognize the call of Christ in people's lives. This is because virtually no one anymore, even among believers, truly recognizes the authority of God, God's Word, and those sent in the authority of God. Instead we, like the Jews before us, prefer our Sauls over our Davids Scripture says not to take God's name in vain. However, that is typically taught as a mere prescription against using any of God's names as cuss and swear words. However, it is really a admonition to recognize the authority of God, and never take on His name without fully comprehending what this entails. If we do take on God's name, the spiritual equivalent to marriage, we are to take this so serious as to never defy, act independently of, nor otherwise misrepresent, God. God, like every other husband, has expectations of their wives. 1) They are not to defiantly act as though independently sovereign, or otherwise equal in sovereignty to, their husbands, (do not rebel), 2) except for were legally/culturally/spiritually required, they are never submit to the sovereignty of anyone else (bosses and such), (do no do spiritual idolatry), 3) they are not to be in any way unfaithful to their husband's sovereignty (no spiritual adultery), 4) they are to take seriously their (administratively subordinate) roles to their husbands sovereignty (do not spiritually take the name of the Lord in vain), nor 5) Do not presume sovereignty over their husbands (Do not presume ultimate relational sovereignty). Though forever forgiven at the cross, to Christ we still taint ourselves all five ways, and them some. Mind you, as controversial as that stance is, it is the biblical model. It's not about husbands, nor God, getting their ways. It's about conflicts of interest. If it were then no marriage would last and God would have never saved Noah, Moses nor any of us. There is only room in any relationship for one guiding opinion and point of view, that of the sovereign's. And that should instead be God's point of view. Get two aggressive and equal sovereigns in a room, each feeling the need to be the authority, and eventually they will fight. Authority logically cancels out equal authority. Thus there is no logical difference between having two equal authorities in a relationship than neither having any authority. If both partners in a marriage are share equally authority over each other, then they are logically no different than two people legally shacked up. Ironically, having authority was never supposed to be about self interest. Yet, that is the sole purpose we crave it, to finally get to have our own way. While we desperately seek to slip out from under the control of others, submissive self control is the only true way to freedom. It's why my boss (at my day job) doesn't micromanage me. He's free to do other things and I'm free to lead my tiny crew. The virtuous woman story is just about that. He isn't dominating her, to free himself from having to micromanage her life, he freed her to take charge of her life, using her mind and skills for the best interest of everyone. He trusts her completely, and she has the submissive self control to never in any way betray him. This is the model that Jesus wants for the Church. He doesn't want to micromanage us into submission and sinlessness. He simply wants us to have the submissive self control to never in any way betray him. The legalistic micromanaging we're all used to should be saved for when there is an actual problem. And that requires a firm yet gentle hand. Sadly, that is what's going on. We don't want to submit to Christ and he's pressuring us, gently and lovingly to come back to him.

This takes me back to an email I sent a friend a couple of years ago, after my semester on Biblical Interpretations in regards to rightly translating some of Exodus 20. Like I had done many years ago with the Genesis 1, I had given thought to give some Bible translating another trial go. Like previously, I would look at just a few short verses and see what comes up. In this attempt I was trying to figure out who the she was in She shall not murder that I read in a Hebrew source text. Though obviously never translated that way, there it was sitting there, in one of the originallanguage texts, staring back at me, and I had no idea at the time what to do about it. I had asked you if there was anyone that could assist me in figuring this out, yet your response showed this was seen by you as a misguided attempt at biblical interpretation. If I recall correctly, that friend mentioned something in his reply about the gender of that word, commonly translated thou, was not something we could figure out today as to whom it referred or why it was there. Recently after reading about God's divorce in Isaiah. God revealed to me that the she in Exodus 20 was not women in general, not a specific woman at all, nor just some odd feminine mode nor submissive voice in language, but rather in fact it it was spiritual Israel. That covenant was the the spiritual prenuptial agreement between God and his then spiritual bride to be, Israel. God was to be King, and Israel Queen. Jesus, the only begotten Son of God (the only one of his kind), was to be the final and permanent human heir to that throne. This launched an inspirational realization that with God having later having divorced Israel because of her unseemingly spiritual behavior; and through the body of Jesus having died on the Cross having voided all of God's previous legal contracts; God, through Jesus, was now spiritually legally free to remarry. This time anyone, both Jew and gentile, free and slave, male and female, could all be equal members of the body and bride of Christ (God). God was not finished with Israel, as Israel will always be the apple of God's eye. But through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, God could now not only legally spiritually take Israel back, and with with her all willing gentiles. This time with a more simpler prenup. Of course, all God requires now is to enthusiastically come under His authority and go forth and actively be a benefit to everyone, all while avoiding being a detriment to anyone. No more complex rules, rituals, rites, sacrifices, penalties, nor death sentences. We are simply to live holy lives like we're already married to Christ. Sure, Christ set in place an administrative hierarchy, but this was for the Church's benefit, not her detriment. This was not for the purpose of setting one power-tripping Christian over another, as we are all equal in the eyes of Christ. This was for the purpose of preparing and keeping the Church ready for her wedding. Though yes I'm currently called for now to help out locally in general (week to week) ministry at New Hope. But, I have also felt for a long time that I was called to the the academic ministerial level of that of theologians, Bible-scholars, professors, commentary writers and translators. Yet my true heart's calling is none of those. Though I just recently figured it out. Thought I fear to make mention of it, as I know what the general reaction will be. Though it is possible I'm mistaken, that calling is that of the now unrecognized, and thought to be obsolete, spiritual administrative role of Apostle. At heart, I'm a nobody among nobodies. On the outside, I'm no one anyone would recognize as being called by God, let alone to that ministry. On the inside, I'm no better, no more moral, no more holy, no more spiritual, than anybody else. Other than just the humble diploma I have, I don't have any other official accreditation, tenure, nor ordination. There are times I feel I must have yet to jump through enough hoops to be listened to (not just heard) by anyone important. Yes, I feel no different than Jonah having been sent to Nineveh, or Moses to Pharaoh. With all due respect, I'm not asking for anyone to do anything I want. I'm just a lowly and reluctant messenger. It frightens me to say this, but only because of the intended audience, but Jesus is returning soon and simply wants his bride-to-be back, and without spot or blemish. It's not our

behavioral sins that matter, they were already forgiven. It's our day to day attitudes that give us spots and blemishes. We simple need to emotionally, psychotically, spiritually and societally grow up (stop playing church). He wants everything administratively set in order as He already dictated. He wants everyone doing their assigned roles and using their spiritual gifts. He wants the Bible to returned to it's rightful place as the defacto standard by which everything else is measured. He wants an end to the juvenile schisms, infighting, turning of our blind eyes from our own sins, loose doctrines, false doctrines, bureaucracy, facades, loose morals, power-brokering, elitism, hollow religiosity, laziness, selfishness, indifference, legalism, hypocrisy, apostasy, and all other spiritual behavioral disorders. He wants it His way but for our sake, not His. He simply wants what's best for us. Is this to say that no one is on God's page? Is this to say that no one wants to be on God's page? Is this even to say that no one is trying to be on God's page? No to all three. We've merely need to get more on God's page. My thoughts and feelings expressed are general, as they are not aimed at anyone specifically. Like I said above, we're all guilty and we all need help. Just because we're no longer doing things exactly as God intended, doesn't mean that God sees us as being utterly rebellious. If the goal is to get on God's page, then we should find out what it is and do it. But all of this is a work in progress. A huge supertanker may be steered by a tiny rudder, but it takes time and effort to get and stay on track. We just need to let Jesus into the wheelhouse and have access to the wheel. I'm ether full of it, delusional, confused, or, though flawed as I am, legit. This letter is what has been brewing in my heart since my early childhood. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, other than what scripture tells me. BTW, I'm not upset or otherwise angry at anyone. I have no reason to quit school, or leave any ministries over any of this. I chose to go back to school to learn whatever it is I can for the purpose of the ministry, anything I'm ever called to do or otherwise have the opportunity to help out. As no one is beating down the doors to have me lead their ministry operations; as (virtually) no one ordains, let alone recognizes, Apostles nor apostolic authority (my childhood heart's calling); and as I'm content to work and grow where I'm currently planted; I plan to carry on where I am till Christ comes, or have me do otherwise. Those fellowships that do recognize apostles are few and far between. This begs the question whether those apostles are merely human ordained (having passed some sort of rite, ritual, trial or test), or truly God-sent. If I'm in error in any other this, then so be it, I'm in error. I'd rather ask forgiveness for doing wrong than have to come up with excuses for having failed to act. This is too big for me to even imagine that anyone would see it otherwise. Regardless, as scripture points out there is no time to sit and ponder forever this. The decisions have already been made, not by man but by God. The orders have already been given from on high. He wants His church to spiritually grow up. It's a tough job, no one wants it, we all want to pretend that nothing is all that wrong. If the problems are indeed that bad, God would send someone (important) to deal with it. Unfortunately He has sent people, here and there, but few listen. And those that do, feel powerless in and of themselves to do anything but pray. Ironically, pray and bible reading are what empower us. Sure, there is grace, but as time is running out. The question is not whether I'm right, nor whether I'm that sent person, but rather I will be faithful or not. BTW, I do not see apostolic authority as the spiritual legal right to trump others for the purpose of getting one's own way, nor as being the selfish self-righteous legalistic right hand of God. In fact, other than indentured servitude, though it comes with real authority, it serves to lead people into coming under the authority of Christ. I wrote this whole letter to explain one huge conundrum. The question I keep asking myself, is How I can I best use my spiritual gifts for the benefit of the Church. What others pay 1000's to learn in NLP (the modeling of excellence), conversational hypnosis (effective communication), deception detection (the detection of microexpressions), Other Than Conscious Communication (communicating via body language), neurolingustics (the study of how psychology in relationship to

language), cold reading (reading body language), I've been doing these sort of things as though naturally and intuitively since I was a saved, since I was a little kid. All of that comes of being Spiritfilled and having the gift of discernment. While people pay big money to learn those sorts of things, the spiritual gifts of wisdom and knowledge are not something one can purchase. God just tells me things. When I'm listening, God even tells me how to translate and interpret the Bible. No, I don't read Greek and Hebrew, I use Biblehelps (translation tools), like anyone else. But God does guide me through that process. He points out His way of looking at what I'm looking at. Do I get it exactly right all the time? No. I'm a work in progress, just like everyone else. As I currently have not much other choice, I use my spiritual gifts to teach adult Bible-study, and work with children, and in biblical counseling. Yet because of the lack of comprehension within the Church, because of bylaws and polity, I can not make full use of my giftings because I do not officially have the authority (license, ordination, degree, tenure or otherwise sanctioned) within any church to do so. And the rules are not setup for their use. I'm not looking for official backing in to order Christians to do God's will. But that seems to be what people fear. Even if I were licensed, ordained, degreed, tenured or otherwise sanctioned, it still wouldn't help. The reason for this is that what needs to change for the church to grow are the attitudes of Christians. To quote Gandhi, I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.. We Christians are the way we are because so few are using spiritual gifts. We listen to official denominational authority, not to the Jonah's, Nathans, Peters and Pauls. None of those Bibleheroes were ever officially sanctioned. They were simply nobodies God chose to use. In Galations 2:12-14, Paul had the nerve, and rightly so, to call Peter out, right in front of everyone. Does it say he did this politely, as though part of a counsel, it states he simply confronted Peter to his face with his guilt. Peter, having led others into his hypocrisy, including Barnabas, was blatantly wrong. Paul rebuked him for it. We can encourage people to behave all day long, but until they are confronted with their sins, they have no reason to change. It's because people love to feel that they are good enough as they are, simply being saved. You know as I know, that if I were to straight up tell someone I know and love as a brother or sister in Christ, especially one in leadership, to straighten up and fly right (even if I did so gently, lovingly and with all kindness and compassion), that unless they came to me specifically for a counseling session, they would more likely than not reject what I told them, seriously jeopardizing my relationship with them. By my own experience, I would likely be told I'm wrong, to back off, or worse. I would also expect to be lectured from my pastor on my attitude or perhaps be asked to leave the church. It's like I don't dare use my gifts, especially discernment, not because of some sort of SBC thing, but because Christians, especially church leaders, don't like to be confronted with their sins, let alone learn anything new. Our sins are private, personal and no one else's but God's business. While behaviorally we are often doing just fine, yet our attitudinal sins are so normal that we don't even know we're committing them, but none the less, we are. I have the same exact problem at work. I have a shop full of people that don't want to hear they're doing anything wrong. I have the job of giving short safety speeches to several groups once a week. Every day it seems as though someone has got to tell me that I'm wasting their time, teaching nonsense or to tone it down. Not verbally, but with their body language. I see their indifference, arrogance, pride, contempt, fear, hate, jealousy, etc. I see the same things in those that work in the office, they're just a bit more mature about it. But the few contract temps I have assigned to me, they know I'm no official authority and they can be the hardest to look at, let alone deal with. What I'm getting at here, is that whether people consciously know it, their hearts know that I know the real them. They reveal this in veiled and not so veiled threats. They blurt out, unprovoked, that they are not afraid of me. They posture themselves as enthroned entities. They go out of their way to question me in front of other or prove some trivial point.

However, as recently as this week. I finally found out that several of the longer term employees now respect me enough see me as a peer. Unfortunately, to them, I made the mistake of letting myself get caught off guard getting up staged by what they perceived as a malcontent offering a seductive alternative message. I could have blasted him right there in front of everyone. That was what a few people were hoping I would do, like the disciples wanting Jesus to denounce others using His name. I simpled let it go and this week corrected that man's error by telling everyone that we don't do alternative messages. As far as safety goes, we're all to be on one page. I didn't blast that man because I knew it was wrong to do so. I just don't have the authority. The ones that needed blasting, were the ones that felt I needed to blast him. His mistake , though he was trying to do the right thing and be helpful, was merely to offer a different point of view. In fact he did have the right to at least speak out. It's my forum, I encourage people to pose questions and bring things up. To have been so cruel as to publicly ridicule him in front of his peers would have been the same as telling the others to shut up and do what I tell you. If I had confronted him the way some wanted me to, I would have undone my encouragement to get them to speak up. And that is why I feel God has led me to where I am today. Though not officially a rank withing the today's Church (except for what few independent churches have chosen to acknowledge for themselves, yet most Christians see as heretics, nut-jobs, self-righteous power-hungry moneygrubbing TV-evangelists, (false)faith-preachers, cult leaders, etc.), let alone any main-line evangelical denominations, I feel called as an apostle. Would I dare tell anyone to violate God's Law, or purposely teach heresy? No. Of course not. But I might just tell someone that I know by God that they need to change their attitude, truly come under Christ's authority, or that they need to take God and God's Word seriously. But you know as I know, only parents, bosses, pastors, deacons, missionaries, denomination leaders, seminary professors and best friends have that right. Though no one listen, I still must do the Lord's will. Why do I feel as though I do? Because the more I read the Bible, the more I see myself thinking, speaking, and acting like Jesus. I know I'm not Jesus, but He is the model of excellence to which I look up. It's because I see myself as a Peter, Paul, Nathan, Moses and all the other sent ones. It is also because I really and truly take God's Word seriously. Not for religious reasons, but rather because it is the only truth of which I'm certain. I'm so certain of it that I can not help but tell people, teach people, and disciple them in that truth. Though this is more of a short book than a letter, I hope this helps in understanding me, what I'm about, my calling and what I intend to do for duration (keep plugging away) Thanks for reading this and thanks for all your prayers and support. In Christ, Jeff