Running head: PRACTICUM REPORT PART 1

Practicum Report Part 1: Marriage Counseling Session 1 of 2 Stacy Maryland Liberty University Online

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Practicum Session Summary This practicum, though mock in nature, afforded me the opportunity to benefit from a hands-on approach. Despite a high degree of anxiety I was able to gain experience with the myriad aspects of marital counseling including an introduction to initial phone assessment, familiarizing client with informed consent, meeting and development of rapport and relationship with client, expressed and observed relationship dynamics, conflict response, PAIR2 inventory and subsequent assessment, assignment of homework, resistance, attitudes of hopelessness, interventions, active listening, and SOLER. The volunteer couple who served as my clients are long time family friends. While I was initially reluctant to use a couple with whom I was familiar, I was motivated by time constraints and limited resources to consider this couple. Despite my initial reservations I was pleased to have decided on this couple and delighted that they accepted my invitation because despite our familiarity I regard them as being open, verbose, people. The wife is actually an undergrad.in a counseling program. I felt this would make it easier for her to relate to this challenge without being overwhelmed or uncomfortable. I first contacted the wife, Tracie via an-mail in which I explained that I am currently in a masters program for counseling and must conduct several practice sessions. I attached a copy of the pre-fabricated informed consent which I edited to include a paragraph regarding my attendance at Christian university as well as my Christian worldview. I asked if she would discuss with her husband, Tracy the possibility of participating. She immediately replied affirmatively and asked that I call to discuss the details. I called her the following day at which point we decided on a date and time, and had a brief discussion about marital concerns they

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might wish to discuss in session. This of course was pre-empted by a reiteration of the informed consent. Lastly, we agreed to meet later that afternoon for her and her husband to sign the informed consent. Summary of Session 1 It was unanimously decided that the married couple and I would meet on two consecutive Mondays for sessions which were to commence on April 1, 2013 at 6:00 pm. With the second and final session scheduled for April 8, 2013. With comfort level being a major concern and wanting to maintain a quiet, uninterrupted environment conducive to a therapeutic atmosphere, we further agreed the sessions would commence at the couples home 3.7 miles away. Regarding the first session I arrived at 5:54, but waited in my car until precisely 6:00 to announce my arrival. Introductions and informed consent The wife, Tracie, greeted me at the door and welcomed me in. We adjourned to the great room and were seated, per my suggestion, across from each other, with Tracie on a chaise lounge opposite me and I in a wing chair approximately four feet away. Tracie called for her husband, Tracy and he entered the room almost immediately. He extended his hand to me and I rose from my seated position to oblige. At this point I gestured for him to join his wife on the chaise which he did. He sat at one end and she at the other. I pressed record on my Ipad and we proceeded with formal introductions. I asked that they state their names; each did so in turn. I retrieved a signed copy of the informed consent and distributed it to them and briefly summarized the contents again emphasizing the purpose of the document. I rearticulated my interest in the counseling sessions as a requirement of my

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counseling course, acknowledgement of my Christian worldview, possible pros and cons of their participation, my commitment to confidentiality, purposes and use of the information derived from the sessions, and their inherent ability to withdraw from this or any subsequent sessions for any reason without prejudice. They responded that they understood and agreed and we continued into our session. Couples Background The couples background is as follows: Tracy and Tracie Religion are long-time personal friends who have been married for nine years. He is 45, she is 43. He is a contractor and she works for the library. This is the second marriage for each of them. They are active in the church. Both serve as youth group leaders. He is an usher, and Tracie, in addition to pursuing her Bachelors in counseling, is also attaining her ministry certification and has on occasion been invited to give sermons several churches. They have two children, one boy and one girl, eight and five respectively. Though settled and not considering divorce they are experiencing conflict within their marriage which has steadily deteriorated their once very connected union and shared vision into one of distance and unhappiness where she feels taken for granted. Both Tracy and Tracies families of origin are African American, Baptists, with enduring, though troubled, marriages. Both parents stayed married until the death of one spouse. Neither of their parents considered formal counseling though they would informally speak to the pastor when marital conflict proved too vexing. Tracies parents shared more of an egalitarian relationship in which her mother was a strong voice within the home who disciplined the children and had a career while her father, who also worked, shared household chores and childrearing responsibilities.

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Tracy describes his family dynamic slightly differently. He remembers his mother and father representing the male as the exalted head of the family. They were not demonstrative towards each other or he and his three siblings. His father was outspoken, while his mother was more demure and submissive. They did things separately including driving to church in two different cars. Tracy remembers the revelation of his fathers adulterous admissions one Sunday after church. The family remained intact, but always felt, as he described, like we were living parts in wax museum. They behaved as if everyone was watching and even in the home they all seemed to be playing a part or a roll. Narrative Summary Following introductions and a short background gathering period we got to the meat of the session. They were very quiet and pensive which was helpful to me because it allowed me time to effectively formulate my thoughts and recollections about what I have been studying and preparing how to articulate it. This allowed me to appear competent, and professional. I transitioned into the focus of the therapy session by generally stating that I was curious to learn what had brought them into counseling. I then invited Tracie to answer first. After sitting pensive for a moment she responded Well, I feel like Im in this marriage alone. Tracy sat quietly as she spoke. She continued to relay in a reserved tone that Tracy didnt seem interested in or connected to her. He did not show her any attention nor did he communicate with her unless he was interested in having sex. While maintaining eye contact, which of course was intermittently interrupted by the necessity of my note taking, I also glanced over at Tracy who sat quiet and expressionless. His posture was casual with one hand resting on the arm of the chaise. He did not betray any signs of agitation like foot tapping, but did appear somewhat disinterested as Tracie spoke. Tracy continued to convey the issues which weighed heaviest on her. Her elocution was

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restrained. Her words were deliberate and not the excited, random criticisms and attacks of an angry partner. At no point do either of them interrupt the other, yell, or address each other while speaking. She explained that it seemed as if Tracy has no interest in their relationship or in discussing it. She reiterated that she felt as if the bulk of home and child responsibilities have been falling to her including financial obligations as he doesnt work. Hes not trying to work, doesnt want to work she reported matter-of-factly. I asked how long has she felt it has been like this? I asked not only because it helped me get an idea of their situation, but because I wanted Tracy to hear the charges if you will. Tracie said it had been six years of the nine that they have been together which have been marked by the disinterest and unhelpfulness she described. I looked to Tracy and I smiled and tell him that I will of course give him a chance to respond in a moment. I wanted him to know that the side I have taken is that of the relationship as a whole and that this is not a Tracie gets to complain and vent about Tracy for an hour type counseling. I decided to ask if she has brought any of these issues to his attention. She responded that she had and says that for years she has been placated with the same response in which he negates that anything is wrong. Upon questioning she admitted that their conversations have risen to the level of verbal altercations. I ended by asking if they have either as a couple or individually ever attended counseling to which she responded they had not. At this point I turn my attention and my body towards the husband. I hoped to convey that this was his time to speak because what he had to say was just as important as what his wife says to me. I asked him if he was aware of the issues his wife has presented. He responded that he was aware and felt as if she wasnt aware of what he is was through. He explained that the regularity of his profession as a contractor is inconsistent and that when there are jobs they do not offer compensation that he feels is worth busting his butt for. He also stated that he feels he

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does do things with the children like attending their football games and engaging them in video game play and maybe she just doesnt see it. While he spoke Tracie sat quietly listening. She donned an expression like she had heard all this before. I was curious to know how or if he felt this was affecting his marriage. I asked if he felt like there were any problems with his marriage and if he felt any negative feelings coming from his spouse. He answered No to both queries. He succinctly stated that if bills are due and one has the means to pay, they pay and if they do not have the means to pay, they dont pay. He ended by saying it works itself out. Me, not being a believer in the It works itself out philosophy, was very mindful to stay focused and neutral even though I was able to connect with how Tracie was feeling. I know that each individual has a way of thinking, feeling, and, expressing that while inexplicable, confounding and vexing to others makes sense to them. So I am careful not to discount what he is saying just because most people, especially responsible married people, will agree that things need proactivity to work out. Another area I was also eager to discuss was communication. I asked Tracy how he felt they communicated as a couple and if he felt any improvements were necessary. He replied that he felt their communication as good. At this point I am aware that Tracie would like to speak so I turned to face her Tracie? I asked. To which she responded that she found the whole exchange laughable because this was the most she had heard him speak in years. Before I could get her to elaborate I was distracted by how aggressively they were both trying to subdue some variety of flying insect. At once they succeeded in vanquishing it and I decided to use this moment as an opportunity to inject humor and to cut through what as a tense atmosphere. I commented that their commitment to killing the bug was a small example of teamwork and that it translated into hope. I used this moment to elaborate on the essence of Hope-based counseling and how there is always hope.

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I spent the next few minutes focusing on summarizing what they had said to me thus far. I paraphrased Tracies concerns by offering that what I had heard translated into two main issues: lack of positive communication and financial problems. Tracy still maintained that he saw and had no issue with the marriage. Alas, having always been a fan of the miracle question I decided to ask it of each of my clients; if they could change one thing about their marriage what would you change to make it an ideal marriage? I further instructed that in this hypothetical the proposed change not relate to something they want to change about their partner. Tracys initial response included that he felt that Tracie would think things better ifI interrupted him to reiterate that he should not use the other person. He finally said he would change nothing. When I asked Tracie the same question, she bargained to be able to say two things which were better communication and teamwork. She said she would like for these issues to change to promote her no longer feeling like she is a single parent in a two parent home. Throughout the session I gave Tracy the opportunity to give feedback. Here he said he felt that he did try to be involved and offer support when it came to dealing with the children, but often got the impression from her that she could do a better job and so he eventually retreated and left such responsibilities to her. I believe in yin and yang, and so I wanted to attempt to balance negative with positive in this session, so after allowing the couple the opportunity to purge some of the things that bothered them I asked what had drawn them to each other initially. This is usually an area where partners have the opportunity to reflect on positive attributes of the other which can mediate intense negative emotions in the moment. Tracie spoke of being initially attracted to his looks. Upon urging she reflected that she liked about Tracy was that he had ambition and introduced her to new things.

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He took her to the beach, New York, Philly. She explained that they dated for three years prior to having an elaborate marriage ceremony. While they dated they maintained separate domiciles, but essentially shared her apartment as they spent the majority of time there though she says she didnt allow him to bring his belongings. I asked at one point if they had discussed goals. She said about a year in they began to discuss what they each wanted and expected from their relationship. One thing she specifically didnt want was a relationship like the one she saw played out by his parents whom she regarded as distant. She related to me that in the beginning they seemed to be on congruous paths and then she began to realize that things that had been promised were not being delivered. She said she would speak with Tracy and he would encourage her by saying that he was working on it and so she stayed. Before I asked the same question of Tracy I asked his wife to say something positive about her husband at that moment. She was apprehensive. She finally responded that she likes that he is a Christian. I counseled that I understood that at this point it may be difficult to find the positives. Relationships start off shiny like when you leave the dentist and you make a pledge that you are going to brush not just twice a day, but three times a day and rinse, and floss after every meal and then slowly you find yourself not flossing and things begin to deteriorate. I asked Tracy of his feeling for his wife at the beginning What drew you to her? He responded that he was smitten by her looks, sense of humor, kindness, family values, and common goals and outlook on life. He referred to his feelings for her as love at first sight When asked to name something positive about her he responded that she is very caring. At this point I began to wrap the session up. I expressed to them that I know it is difficult to condense nine years of work, life, kids etc. into a one hour session, but that I just wanted to meet and get an idea of where they are coming from, where they are now and where theyd like

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to be. I acknowledged that they seem tired from the journey, but through their Christian faith they can see their way through this. I explained that Hope-focused marriage counseling can provide them with way power, wait power, and will power (Worthington 1999, p.31) knowing encouragement they need and that even when they do not see instant improvement they must stick it out and God will see them through. The goal is to produce stronger less troubled marriages (Worthington, p. 30) which can withstand the problems that come with it. The goal is not the perfect marriage, but stronger marriages, to get you back to where you were when your marriage was all new and shiny. It will not happen overnight I cautioned. Homework . I agree with something Worthington posited in his article, Marriage Counseling: A Christian Approach to Counseling Couples (1990) He states that Marriage counseling is considered less a time of teaching than a time of instigating couples to behave differently. I decided that two assignments might be a good place to start since Tracy and Tracie were at a point where they were not communicating well, despite Tracys reluctance to admit it. I agree with something Worthington posited in his article, Marriage Counseling: A Christian Approach to Counseling Couples (1990) He states that Marriage counseling is considered less a time of teaching than a time of instigating couples to behave differently He presented himself as somewhat oblivious to any dysfunction in the marriage and she has developed a bitter and jaded outlook about the marriage. I felt that in addition to the PAIR2 assessment they could spend the week journaling their verbal interactions.

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Positive/Negative Interactions I suggested that they could benefit from two homework assignments. The first of which is to work towards increasing their positive to negative interactions. I explained that our goal is a 5:1 ratio of good to bad. I encouraged them to be persistent and express that I am aware that when a relationship erodes it becomes more difficult to say nice things; nice things do not roll off the tongue nearly as easily as the negative things, especially when one gets to this point in a marriage because its about being angry and defensive. I asked that they keep a journal for a week and try to be mindful of what they say to each other and record it. Tracie commented that she thought it would be difficult. I told her that it probably would be. At first what is said may not feel organic, because most things are habitual and thus learned behaviors must be unlearned through cognition and repetition. After some time expressing nice affirmations it will become reflexive and natural. I encouraged them to persevere. Every time you make a negative remark, counteract it with five positives. Tracie seemed skeptical. I assured her that after some time it wont be work and it would help her get back to the time when saying something nice not only took no effort, but brought you joy to do so. Assessment In addition, I asked them to go online and take an online assessment called the PAIR 2 assessment so that I can get a better understanding of several dimensions of their relationship. I explained that is a 200 question assessment similar to its 500 question written cousin. The assessment contains such sections as monetary concerns, emotional concern, and selfacceptance. I provided them with my log in information and password and asked that they set

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aside some time so that they could administer it unrushed. I let them know that I would retrieve and assess the results and we would go over them in their next session. Thoughts and Reactions At one point before the session ended I asked the couple if they wanted to remain married. They both replied yes and although Tracie said so with some hesitation I believe they each wish to stay together or arent willing to part just yet. At this point I have to believe that if given the opportunity to focus on the positive aspects of their marriage, and supplied with encouragement to deliberately take opportunities to value each other while calling on their faith, they can come out of this stronger than they were before. Almost losing something often has that affect. They have not progressed to the stage of being disasters of marriage and have yet to be condemned by what John Gottman describes as the four horseman of the apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. They have not spoken of adultery, physical abuse, or many other issues which might have irrevocably undermined their relationship. They will benefit from interventions designed to enforce communication of love through listening (Worthington, 1990, p. 159) teaching Tracie to habituate not focusing on the negative in Tracy (Worthington, p.156) will help improve Tracys communication with his wife. This may guide Tracy in ways to be more attuned to what his wife is asking of him and will open the lines of communication in their relationship and allow them to work on their issues.

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References Repair Checklist and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Reminder Card. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.gottman.com/49862/558775/DVD-Workshop-Books-Lectures/Repair-Checklist-and-the-Four-Horsemen-of-the-Apocalypse.html Worthington, E. L. (1999). Hope-focused marriage counseling: A guide to brief therapy Downers Grove, Ill: InterVarsity Press Worthington, E. (1990). Marriage counseling: A Christian approach to counseling couples Counseling and Values, 35(1), 3-15.