Running Head: RELATIONSHIP ANALYSIS

Relationship Analysis: An Intrapersonal Exploration of Interpersonal Interactions COMM 2312.02 Jacob Torres

RELATIONSHIP ANALYSIS Relationships drive humanity. From an evolutionary standpoint, those who are capable

of forming close ties with others are most likely to live, and pass their genes on. They help lessen loneliness, gain self esteem, and maximize a persons pleasure. Todays world is further testament to humanitys desire to be social and in relationships with others. Websites are aiding in linking people together, helping to maintain contact from across the globe. Furthermore, millions of dollars are spent every year in search of finding an ideal romantic relationship (Geron 2012). All that being said, identifying and analyzing my own interpersonal communication and interactions would be an ideal starting point in understanding how relationships function, how they are formed, and how they are either maintained or dissolved. To do this I have examined two different kinds of relationships: friendship & romantic. The analysis of friendship will be of my current roommate, Thomas. The second analysis, an observation of the formation and eventual diffusion of a romantic relationship, chronicles interactions with my ex-girlfriend, Hannah. In keeping with my background in psychology, I have changed all the names of individuals involved and spoken of throughout this paper. It should be noted, that my explanations of these interactions will, of course, be biased in my favor. This is not intentional, and I will attempt to be as much of an impartial third party observer as possible, but it is natural that my perspective may bleed though. Furthermore, my separation with Hannah is still fresh, and thus wording may be strong when describing various scenarios. Good measure is being taken to ensure that I stay on point and refrain from name-calling. To better understand relationships, one must realize that they exist in stages. The formation of a relationship is broken down in to contact, involvement, intimacy, and often, deterioration. If a relationship is to be maintained, deterioration will be met with repair, however if not it evolves into dissolution. Using the example of the friendship analysis, I can apply these

RELATIONSHIP ANALYSIS principles. My first contact with Thomas was somewhat by happenstance. I was walking in front of a dorm here, and was looking for a lighter (at the time I smoked). I saw a freshman under an awning and asked for a light. We had common ground to talk about, both being smokers and he lived in the dorm across from mine. This was contact. Simply asking for a

lighter can be the smokers equivalent of a may I join you. From this point, nonverbal language comes in to play. If the response is met with warmth, friendliness, and openness a conversation can be started. However, if, and this happens more often than not, the response is met begrudgingly with a labored and overdramatized finding of the lighter, followed by lack of eye contact, lack of acknowledgment, and lack of interest, it is generally understood that the conversation ends with the returning of the lighter. The contact stage is followed by the involvement stage. It is in this stage of relationship that a sense of friendship develops as individuals attempt to learn more about each other. In this stage free communication was allowed to occur, giving us the ability to talk on subjects such as favorite bands, live shows we look forwarding to seeing, and how Kanye West is the Picasso/ Mozart of our generation. My relationship with Thomas was largely fueled by music at the time, that and parties. This leads me to an explanation of the type, or nature of our relationship. I was a sophomore, and he a freshman. During my freshman year, a senior had taken me under his wing, showing me Austin hotspots, teaching me how to mix drinks, and showing me the ins and outs of St. Edwards. It was this relationship that gave me an interest in guiding the next class, and that is the mindset I had gone in to this friendship with. That being said, I provided a mentoring relationship to Thomas, one that is still continued today, although with more grown up matters (how to pay rent on time, how to mix drinks, how to wake up before five to make it to the post office after mixing drinks all night). The friendship has achieved a state of reciprocity

RELATIONSHIP ANALYSIS shortly after. Furthermore, by sharing a living space we have achieved a sense of family, or

brotherhood. Friendship needs, such as utility, affirmation, stimulation and ego support, are met. If I need a paper spell checked, his English Literature background comes in to help and analyze critically. We affirm each others music taste often. He has gotten me into 60s French ye-ye pop and I have gotten him in to 60s bebop & free jazz (we dig the 60s). His greatest moments of ego support and security has come during my break up with Hannah. It has been a rough semester, but his ability to listen, encourage, and mix drinks has definitely gotten me through it. Romantic relationships are sought after. Love, or the feeling characterized by closeness, caring, intimacy, passion, and commitment, is an emotion that needs maintenance to continue to grow. If not managed, a relationship will eventually deteriorate. Some maintenance strategies, that neither Hannah nor myself engaged in are: be nice, communicate, be open, give assurance, share joint activities, be positive, and focus on the self. This portion of the paper is difficult for me to touch on, but I would like to try, in hopes of catharsis. According to research, when deep in love you often exaggerate your lovers virtues and minimize their faults. You share emotions, speak tenderly, exchange secrets, but really, how long can any of this last? Research by Elaine Hatfield has found that, love is like a drug, and eventually, the drugs wear out (2010). Furthermore, her findings indicate that companionate love, the more storgical & pragmatic love, eventually fades away too. What then, one must ask, is keeping any relationship together? Hatfield, in a 1999 study, found that although passionate and companionate love tends to fade at equal rates shortly after marriage, it is the level of commitment and relationship satisfaction that is most likely to keep couples together. Conversely, in both male and female participants that do end up breaking up, there was a reported decrease in satisfaction and commitment, but no change in feelings of love (Hatfield &

RELATIONSHIP ANALYSIS Rapson, 2010). In short, and somewhat apparent, the more committed a couple is then the less likely they will be to break up, despite any lack of passion or companionship. Fatalism aside, Hatfield theorizes that passionate love must come back intermittently, like small sparks that keep the relationship smoldering. She even, with great hope, acknowledges that there are some couples with really good marriages who have come to love, like and understand each

other, and so the companionate love is maintained or even grows." From firsthand experience, I do believe that satisfaction and commitment are key influencers in making relationships work. In my case, I was no longer satisfied and thus began mentally packing-up in an attempt to inhibit commitment. Relationship conclusion is followed by disengagement, or the break-up. It is recommended to negate blame for the break up, and avoid terms that imply fault. When I broke up with Hannah I used the phrase, we have grown apart, rather than you are an extremely negative individual, without a nice thing to say about anyone other than yourself, you egotistical etc, because that would be absolving myself for the break-up, an action that could have fostered better end results. Furthermore, justification of the break up is necessary. Again, in my experience this should be sugar coated a little bit. I told her I plan on moving to the northeast after college, a thing I am very seriously considering, while she wants to move to the west. This very literal difference in journey has been touched upon in an article by Laurie Meyers. She believes that in order for love to work, both partners must be aiming at the same figurative journey. Thorough interviews in the 90s, she was able to gather that most individuals describe love as a story, with each describing different stories. Some, for example, may be stories of journey, others of humor, and some an autocratic government (2007). This sentiment is echoed again in our textbook which states that a major reason for break-up is a difference in beliefs

RELATIONSHIP ANALYSIS about relationships & differences in future goals. Meyer went on to say that the relationships that work out the most, most of the times, are those wherein the couples share similar individual

stories. In short, those who share the same ideal long term goals are more likely to stay together. But, of course, so long as passion and attraction is high, often times these factors are ignored, for partners can do no wrong in this stage of relationship. But how was I able to ignore such obvious flaws & differences. On paper, Hannah and I were incompatible. She was West, I was East. She was an early riser, me a night owl. She enjoyed talking shit about everyone, while I prefer being sociable (exception before 9AM classes). New research aimed at looking at whether or not opposites attract sheds some light to the query. Findings by Lou and Klohnen indicate that at first it is similarity in attitudes, values, and beliefs that increase attractiveness (2005). This comes as no surprise to me as both Hannah and I shared many of the same feelings towards religion, children, marriage etc. They go on to indicate that once in a committed relationship, it is largely personality that factors in to relational satisfaction. Attitudes are capable of being altered, but after three years of being in a relationship, personality differences made themselves readily apparent. These factors all led to the disengagement and eventual separation from Hannah. It has been quite difficult reorienting my self as an individual, rather than as part of a team. Tools I have learned from this book that have aided in dealing have been; break the loneliness cycle, by enjoying more free time with friends; take time out, enjoying being single; bolster self esteem, hit the gym every now and again; remove uncomfortable symbols, throw out those sappy love letters and mixtapes; seek support, mix drinks with Thomas. In continuing to do these things I am able to purge myself of this melancholy and embrace the future and what it holds.

RELATIONSHIP ANALYSIS CITATION Geron, T. (2012, July 12). The $100m revenue club: Eharmony captures hearts of vcs. . Retrieved from http://blogs.wsj.com/venturecapital/2010/07/12/the-100m-revenue-clubeharmony-captures-hearts-of-vcs/ Hatfield, E., Luckhurst, C., & Rapson, R. L. (2010). Sexual motives: Cultural, evolutionary, and social psychological perspectives. Sexuality & Culture: An Interdisciplinary Quarterly, 14(3), 173-190. doi:10.1007/s12119-010-9072-z Luo, S., & Klohnen, E. (2005). American psychological association. University of Iowa. Retrieved from <http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2005/02/attraction.aspx> Meyers, L.. "The eternal question: Does love last?." The Psychology Monitor. Psychological Monitor, 2007. Web. 8 May 2012. <http://www.apa.org/monitor/feb07/eternal.asp&xgt;>.