Leaders Notes: Study 6b: Satisfaction and Singleness Q)You painted a picture of all the reasons people 'choose'

to remain singleHow much do you think people create reasons for being single versus if they had the opportunity to get married, taking it? Do you know how many turned down opportunities? A) I m assuming this question refers to my opening illustrations about S ingleness and the City whereby many trade in marriage and children for the career life and sexual indulgence. This questions asks for how much and how many, which is probably impossible to quantify unless you could conduct a poll of Sydney siders and ask this question (youll note that the sermon used the words some and many). Therefore, I can really only work with anecdotal evidence. I pointed out the illustration of Erin Callan (ex-CFO of Lehman Bros.) who did so, and personally know a number of women who have pursued the single life for their careers, and some men who prefer the single life due to their sexual indulgence. I only personally know a couple of people who have turned down a marriage proposal because of this. Beyond what the media report, Ive only got my person experience on this I know of no such survey that could answer your question precisely, and so my sermon stayed vague, rather than specific about how much and how many. Q) We talk about single & not single. Paul talked about married & not married. What category do we sit in if we're dating? A) Paul seems to use the term unmarried in a broader sense than virgin (1 Cor. 7:34) because its an umbrella term that refers to widows, widowers, divorcees, and those who have never married. Therefore, Biblically speaking, dating comes under the umbrella category of single. Q) If Jesus had sexual desires, like us, does that mean sexual desires are not sin? A) It certainly does. Desires themselves (including the sexual species of desire) are a good gift of God (inbuilt into Adam and Eves human nature prior to the

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fall). However, because of the fall, sexual desires are easily deformed and distorted. Therefore, in this age, some sexual desires have become distorted (e.g., sexual desires for those of the same sex, or sexual desires for abusive heterosexual sex). Since St. Augustine, the church has understood evil to be a distortion of the good, or in common terminology, an overdesire or lust (epithumia or in the Greek New Testament). Its no wonder the old prayer book confessions would ask God to incline our hearts towards you. What a shame there is such watered down theology in many Christian liturgies today! So, heterosexual sexual desire is a good and human thing thus, yes Jesus had them! Q) Did Jesus masturbate? Is this an acceptable outlet for singles? A) Ok, here are some notes on the topic: a. What does the Bible say about masturbation? Surprisingly, nothing! (Onans sin was that he didnt fulfill his legal duties to his brothers wife: Gen. 38:9) b. What do Christian teachers say about masturbation? i. Some say its always wrong (e.g. Joshua Harris, the Pope!) ii. Some say its ok, provided its not coupled with sinful thoughts (e.g. Philip Jensen, Keith Condie, and Andrew Cameron) c. Conscience is key Everything which does not come from faith is sin (Rom. 14:23). So, if you have serious doubts about masturbation, dont do it. d. Marks view: Personally, I dont think masturbation is a sin. If God wanted to say masturbation was always sinful (across the thousands of years of the history of revelation), he easily could have done so! For example, it would seem strange if God took the time to make regulations about mildew (e.g. Lev. 14:33-57) but not masturbation, if both were sinful. That said, I think masturbation is generally unwise, and in most cases should be avoided. Here are some reasons: i. Masturbation can easily become addictive, and can enslave you (c.f. Rom. 6:18).

ii. Its frequently associated with pornography, or lustful mental images, which are sinful (Mt. 5:28). Among other issues, masturbating over lustful images subverts loving relationships through unrealistic or exploitative fantasies. iii. Abstinence helps develop self-control (which is a fruit of the Spirit: Gal. 5:23). Victory in this area helps win victories in other areas that are clearly sinful (e.g. lust). iv. Masturbation can lead to sexual selfishness. In masturbation, you focus on getting pleasure. Good sex in marriage should lovingly focus more on giving than getting pleasure. v. Masturbation tends to cheapen your experience of sex, by making you feel that its a readily available commodity. I imagine it lessens the special sense of anticipation of having sex on your wedding night and beyond. vi. Since sex is for building relationships, masturbation is often selfdefeating. Many people masturbate because theyre bored or lonely. In masturbation, youll get a pleasant feeling, but itll generally make you feel more lonely afterwards. e. Very helpful resourse: See Mark Driscolls Porn Again Christian, at: http://theresurgence.com/books/porn_again_christian Q) Jesus allowed for divorce but does this extend to remarriage whist your (ex) spouse is still alive? A) This is a massive question about remarriage. The short answer is that Scripture seems to give some legitimate grounds for remarriage beyond the the death of a spouse. Scripture certainly doesnt give the worlds anything goes approach to remarriage, so it is worth examining in detail in order to please God. Id love to talk personally about it with you please do come and chat to me. Q) How do we overcome pain? I know I'm blessed with loving family @ tac And know God is blessing me in singleness but it still hurts. A) Part of living in this fallen world does sadly mean that there will be great pain involved in the differing kinds of singleness (never married, divorced, widowed). Fortunately, the Lord has sent the comforter (Holy Spirit) to bring us help. Moreover, we do not have a great high priest (Jesus) who is unable to sympathise with us (Heb. 4:15). The Lord understands your hurt and pain , but NOTHING can separate you from His great LOVE (Rom. 8:37 -39), and we can indeed take refuge in the shadow of His wings until the disaster has passed (Psalm 57:1).

Q) If I get along well with/share many interests with/care about/love a non Christian girl and its mutual between us, and I've never experienced this connection with a Christian girl then why shouldn't I be with this non Christian girl, would this completely erase my place in God's family and my salvation? A) Great question. As per one of the questions above, Id love to chat to you further about this its a hard one I know. I reckon the bottom line is what makes a good marriage? Its great that you share interests, great that you care for her, and great that you have a unique connection all perfectly understandable things! However, marriage isnt to be entered into lightly. After all theres more to marriage than the aforementioned things. E.g., how will you reconcile your financial priorities (giving at church, overseas mission etc) if she doesnt think these are important? Are you OK with her never praying to Jesus for you, or the health of your marriage? Are you OK with her not following your spiritual lead in the marriage? Are you OK if she wants to make Sunday a family day rather than a Church day? What about when you want to go to Christian conferences or weekends away will she support you in that? Are you OK taking you and the kids and being there without her??? Have you actually thought seriously about what marriage and family life would look like??? I spoke to a lady in her 50s at church on Sunday who said to me: I wish I heard that when I was in my 20s. Her family, marriage and life was imploding because of her decision to marry an unbeliever. Do you want that too? Ultimately, youll never be best friends with someone who doesnt understand you (and therefore, doesnt love you) for who you are, all the way to your core (its also a command from God implied in 1 Cor. 7:39; 2 Cor. 6:14). Q) If you were to marry a non-Christian, what is the consequence between us and Christ? A) See the above. And again, please do come and chat to me further! Q) What advice or verses would you give someone who has been single for a long time and are looking to continue godly contentment? A) Ive given a few pointers in one of the above questions, but I suppose my biggest thought would be to just bringing your feelings and struggles to the Lord. I figure that if Jesus Christ himself would weep, then He understands your weeping; and if Christ himself would feel strain and pain in the Garden of Gethsemene, then He understands your wrestling with these things. In all of these things however, keep praying: Not my will, but yours be done.

Heres the blog of a friend of mine she has some great thoughts on singleness:
http://ktrae.net/tag/singleness/

Q) How do you understand when you 'so burn with passion' that you should marry? How do you balance this with the ability for self-control? A) Excellent question. Given the many uses of the word burn in the New Testament (e.g., 2 Cor. 11:29), its a bit strange that some people can read this verse and conclude either: i. Marriage is the best way to control lust, or ii. Marriage is the only way to control lust, or iii. The presence of lust is an adequate basis for marriage. Why? Because each of these claims assumes the following anthropological claim: I need sex (which, as Ive argued above leaves you with a faulty understanding of the humanness of Christ). But these conclusions are concerning, given that 1 Thess. 4:4-5 calls a person to control their passionate desires. Thus, marriage is not the catch-all solution to high sex drive/uncontrolled sexual desire/promiscuity. Marrieds and singles alike find the solution in the heart, and by the power of the Holy Spirit. Therefore, 1 Cor. 7:9 is best seen as offering one strut in support of a wider account of why to marry. Marriage is a wonderfully appropriate venue in which to learn sexual self-controlbut so is celibate singleness. Marriage is therefore rightly presented as a help to the problem of sexual concupiscence in a fallen world; however, to present it as the remedy only makes celibate singleness unintelligible, and suggests that all who want to have sexual intercourse need to have it.