THE HOPE OF MY LIFE

Every now and then, I think about life and how precious it is. Like how every second needed to add to the memory ball in everyone minds. No matter how mindless, how tiny, and unworthy the pieces was, it is what define us as human thus make us to be what we are. Zul! A familiar voice rang through my head, calling me from distance. I have been hearing it for years but there were only two times when my name was voiced out with such desperation and a hint of anticipation. One, when she brought up the twins to the world, and another when you were born.

I remember the chaos on that faithful morning. I was eating lunch when the phone rang and all of my instinct went to your mother. You could never imagine the anticipation and dread I felt when I picked up the phone. It is time was all I got.

And 2 hours later, I hold my third child in my arms.

It was different from when I first hold your brothers. With them, I was clumsy, nervous wreck and refused to hold them longer than 3 minutes. It was exhilarating, I admit that but my nervous system played havoc on my body. It was my first time with babies, you see. So I was afraid of handling them wrong.

Six years later, I was still afraid. But this time, I was afraid of what life would contain for that tiny magical being in my arms. Your mother was sleeping alongside the twins on the hospitals bed. So, I took my chance in getting to know you. I smiled at you, saying welcome and caressing your head slowly, counting your fingers and toes one by one and staring you silly as I wished you silently to grown up strong, sturdy while still being able to be a good human being. At that time, I felt a sudden fresh surge of tenderness. The feeling gushed along my blood stream

making me tighten my hold on you because I was having a thought about you, falling, from my hold. But fate, like usual, has a way to intervene. What do you mean he wont live long!? Yati fairly yelled at the question I was too shock to ask. Im sorry Puan Haryati. The doctor shook his head negatively with a weary expression What we could do now is to observe him, put him in care and try to do our best. I noticed that the doctor desperately wanted us to not give up but unwilling to give hope. Please no! Please, doctor, cant you do something? I dont care about the money, Ill borrow if I havent enough myself. By this time, Yati was resorted to begging and crying but one look from Dr.Tan told us that he could not help us at that time. After that, I took hold of Yati and let her cried on my shoulder. I dont know how long we stood outside the doctors office but neither of us wanted to let go of each other. The only one who can understand what she felt was me and I, her. After all, you were our son.

At first, I myself could not understand why you were born different when Faroq and Fariq, your brothers, were born perfectly healthy. Your mothers doctor insisted that it was not our fault. She said some things were meant to be and this was one of it. So, we stop questioning fate and start accepting. We promised that with what time we were given with you, we would make it to the fullest, loving you to the very end.

But son, you were unlike any other, with your spirit and intelligence, you taught us more about life than we could teach you. You make us see things differently and brought us to your childish, imaginative world.

Pak, did you found the answer yet? Your questions were always like being splash by water. Shocking at first, but cooling us later with the freshness of it. I brushed you up and lifted you on the chair. On what, Rim? I could not remember for how many times I repeated the same question. There were so many of your unanswerable questions, son, that I could never memorize it all. The one on why does the world goes around one way and not the other, Pak I smiled as I could hear the whining started to enter your voice. Hmm? I pretended ignorance, I dont think you ever ask that, Rim. I tried to inject a serious look on my face but cracked up as soon as you started to pout. Pak! You took hold of my arms in embarrassment when my chuckled turned to outright laugh. Rim-, I was about to tell you yes but a sudden female giggles engulfed us from the kitchen door. Both of us stop our chattering and stared at her. Your mothers laugh always did that to us, rendering us speechless. Your father was getting old, Rim. Yati said with a hint of mischievous in her eyes. Now he starts to forget things. Make sure you always repeat your questions, dear. Yati! I groaned heartedly. Knowing that it was a payback for the jokes I cracked up on her mental ability last week. Yati caressed your forehead and smiled tenderly. Did you know that your father asked me where did I put his favourite necktie, arguing that I was the last person he seen with it? Really? Did you found it, Mak? You looked between me and your mother, a lit tle bewildered. I, on the other hand started to look at Yati warily, starting to realize where that story was heading to.

Yes. Not before we turned the bedroom upside down. Yati smiled, you could not move your gaze from her, while I was silently started to move toward her. But you know what? All of that time, the necktie was in your Paks shirt pocket! He already picked it up earlier! Yati concluded with a laugh. Youll pay for that, Yati! I grinned as I put my hand on your mother waist, intending to give her a tickling attack but she was fast. She easily avoided my hands and ran towards the exit. Not so soon, dearest! With a glint in my eyes, I hindered the door and started again toward Yatis direction. We chased around for a while bathing in the sound of your laughing. Sometimes I wondered if we played goofily like that just to make you laugh. Because son, your laugh was like sunlight, full of hope and warmth. What is the commotion? Fariq took a peep from the door. As soon as he saw me and Yatis disheveled appearance adding with your red face and teary eyes, he frowned. I do not know what Yati felt, but I was felt like we were just caught by the headmaster, the way he was eyeing us disapprovingly. I was the first person making a beeline for the exits.

Looking back all those years, we spent more time with you than your brother. Maybe the reason was because the age gap between the twins and you. By the time you were able to communicate properly, your brothers were on the brink of teenage life. Where they prefer to spent time with friends than family.

The time spent together made me felt younger, instead of the middle aged man that I was. Your mother used to say how often do we get a chance to act like kids again?

There was a wicker chairs in the verandah where we often sat together in the evenings when the weather was fine. We would make a childish comment about nature like how you can feel the flowers blooming. I would say something funny and as usual, you will contradict me and Yati, always your protective angel, childish woman, would take on your side instead of mine.

Everyday was full of laughter, gaiety, and joy. You were a gay person, jovial without slightly hint of pain for your condition. Looking back at those times, I wondered if you ever feel bitter about your disability. Son, if you did, I am sorry for I never see it, or perhaps, I never wanted to see it.

I was afraid watching you grew day by day. Knowing each day would lead us to the inevitable. Under that layer and layer of happiness laid that fragile barrier to darkness. It was not sturdy as a rock, it was like a glistening of glass. Any minute now, it was going to break.

I should have known that you would be the first one to realize that, Rim. With all your morbid questions, you made us watched as you slipped pass us day after day. Each acts, each stares, and each silent accepting made us suffer in silence. Yatis first choice was to ignore it but even she was forced to take the matter in her hand. What you said to her was breaking my heart, like it did to your mother. Am I going to die soon, Mak? Wont I grow up first?

They said, parents were the best liar in the world and I never thought about it before. But it was true, we lied, giving you hope, trust and confidence in facing another day. The idea was futile because you never did believe us right, Rim? In fact, you made us believe in your innocent hopes knowing full well you were already preparing. Rim, I heard you want to travel the world? I asked you one day with a pat on your back. Yes! And I want to do it three times! You answered with enthusiasm belied your 11 years of life. I smiled and took hold of your hand. Then you will, Rim. You will. Another lied. Although that one was more addressed to me rather than you. I was very afraid and only by lying can I kept the darkness at bay. That night, I stayed with you until you slept.

For that whole month, you become silence. And your mothers headache was getting worse. It was linked because she was stressing over you. Growing more melancholy, you spent hours just staring at the window watching other kids did something you could never did. Your face had shown a deep abiding sadness. I could not watch it anymore, so brooded alone in the bedroom when you were on one of those phase.

Your condition become worst and we had to bring you to see the doctor who had been treating you since you were a baby and what we got was like 11 years ago, a negative head shakes and silence condolences. He did not need to say be ready, it was written all over his face.

Yati was angry. I understand that but even she could not blame God for giving you for only a short time. You were a gift to us, Karim. Helping your mother giving birth to you, knowing the blood on your vein were the same as the one in mine, nothing can ever compare that feeling. Taking care of you since you were baby and watching you grew up to be fine son as you were did strange things to my inside. I am proud of you. So much so that I could burst from it. So, with what time you have with us, I will make each seconds memorable and keep it in that memory ball. Karim, you were braved in your condition, never whining and tolerance with the entire extra we put you into. Extra medication, extra observation from doctor and even extra rest. You spent a lot of your time on drawing especially us, your family in cartoon form. It was like you, yourself were trying to get hold of as many memories as you could grasp. And good old Fariq even asked his girlfriends father to publish your drawing in his childrens magazine. Seeing that proud look on your face was worth everything.

We were never ready for that June night. It was cold, and I had a deep chill that had nothing to do with the weather. We waited for hours for the doctors to come out. Knowing only short of miracle that can save you. Your brothers were sitting apart, each had an anguish expression on their face. That two months of being together with you were not enough to make up years of indifference. But they are going to be fine.

I was worried about Yati. Seeing her stood still with that cold expression made me afraid of what it would be without you. You were always her favourite and being mother and son, you shared bond much tighter than anything in this world. And because of her, I can still took hold of my emotion.

Hours later, the doctor were out and like the phone call on that first day, they do not need to say anything, It is time

And another hour later, I whispered goodbye to my third child, Karim.

The house was never the same with you gone but we tried to move on. For the first few months, the laughter left the house. Although Yati had come to terms with you gone, she was still restless, often staring into spacing and sometimes unaware, she paused in a middle of tasks. For me, I was wallowing in guilt because I could not try harder. I know that nothing can be done but still, the anguish eating at me. I was your father and I was supposed to protect you.

But Karim, you clever little boy, you always beat us at the end. Our perspectives were changes when the twins found that letter in your things. It brought laughter into the house for the first time in months. Who knows that a letter in blue envelop can change everything.

I forgive myself as I knew you would have. Zul! I snapped out of my memory as I heard Yatis voice was getting louder. Ten years had passed since that accident. The twins were about 28 years old now. Our relationship since the episode had developed rapidly and we all become close-knit family. No one expected such tragedy can bring us all together but it happen.

There you are. Yatis soft voice made me looked at her with a tender smile. Her face was engulfed in happiness and contentment. The desperation and anticipation was gone from her voice. Fariq called. The baby and Sarah are fine. They name her Amal Hayati. Told Yati. The hope of my life I smiled wistfully. Yes, their first daughter would be that. They choose a good name because a new life is like a new beginning. A new hope. What are you staring at? Yati finally asked. She stared at the framed letter of Karims last words. Long. I am sure that she was brought back like I did. Before she went far into her memory, I tugged her arms, causing her to look at me. Come. I said, We have to see them. Yati nodded her head and calmly preceded me to the car.

--LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT KARIM ZULKIFLY

To my mother, who gave me birth, I leave a little of my much-loved earth My garden. To my father, who loved me best, I leave my favourite place of rest My rocking chair To the greatest brothers, ever to be, I leave an object thats part of me My colour TV! To the family who loved me true, I hope to leave no feelings of rue, To where I go in that place above, I shall watch you forever with love.