Thats it!

Thats the look

I know youve seen!
You have just nished talking
with your father about hiring
help with daily activities and this
is the expression on his face. He
is not happy. He does not want
someone in his home. And if you
dont believe anything else I say,
you can be sure about this: Your
aging parent does NOT want to
spend money on assistance that
he/she thinks is unnecessary!
So how do you get
him to yes?
Carefully. And with the utmost
respect for how he feels in this
situation. This part gets glossed
over all the time, but its criti-
cally important. So important, in
fact, that I believe your success
in convincing your aging parent
to accept home care will depend
upon your ability to put yourself
in his/her shoes. Why?
Having someone point out your
shortcomings doesnt exactly
make you feel good.
Hearing the truth (even when we
know its the truth!) can bring on
a mix of emotions. Sometimes
anger is rst, maybe a little
resentment as well. If you sense
either of these feelings when
talking with your parent about
home care, consider that what
they may really be masking is
hurt.
Everyone wants to feel
competent and useful
Even more so than the cost of
home care, Ive found that many
older adults are resistant to the
concept of home care. Retiring
and having grown children, who
no longer need raising, represent
the loss of some signicant roles
and can make a person begin to
feel inept. But do you want to
know what really seals the deal
on feeling old? Having a child
suggest that you cant manage
the day-to-day chores that youve
been doing since well before
they were born. And the irony
of all ironies here is that some
of these chores were probably
assigned to your parents by their
parents, to help foster a sense of
INDEPENDENCE!
So if youre aging parent doesnt
immediately warm to the idea of
home care, understand that its
normal. What youre really ask-
ing is that he/she accept another
of lifes transitions and that may
take some time. Below are some
tips for getting the conversation
off on the right foot:
1) Look for low hanging fruit
In other words, lead with some-
thing you can both agree needs
improvement and go from there.
Has your aging parent expressed
a willingness to accept help with
anything? Think carefully about
this. Better yet, open your ears
WIDE during that next visit. Oh,
so he hates microwavable food
which is about all hes eaten in
the last several years? Great!
Well, not great in general, but
great in this instance! Theres
your opening
Pop, what kind of food
do you wish were waiting
for you in the fridge?
Listen, listen. Then later, What
if I could nd someone to cook
those things for you every once
in a while would you like that?
Introducing Home Care
to an Aging Parent
By Valerie Taylor
15
(continued on page 28)
if youre aging parent
doesnt immediately warm
to the idea of home care,
understand that its normal.
Want to know what the most im-
portant words were in this exam-
ple? ONCE IN A WHILE.
2) Be content with
small change
Progress is progress. If your ag-
ing parent only wants help once
a week to begin with, then once a
week it is. Resist the urge to push
your parent because you wont
win. And dont let the home care
agency push you! If they say they
can only send someone if its for
several days a week, then thank
them very much and nd another
agency. Again, this is a process
and it takes time. If theyre any
good, they wont try to strong-
arm you.
So youve just learned that Cindy,
who cooks a few meals for your
dad on Sundays, is also avail-
able on Wednesdays! Fantastic!
Once he gets used to Cindy and
likes her, he probably wont mind
if she moved in! Okay so thats
a slight exaggeration, but you get
my point!
What other kind of help would
your father be open to on
Wednesdays? Maybe laundry or
help with running errands? If you
dont know, ask him! You might
be surprised by the response.
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400 Walnut Street Sulte 4L Pbllaoelpbla, PA 19106
Pbone: 215.839.9529 Fa: 215.405.2699
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(continued from page 14)
3) Hold out for the
right person
Having someone in your parents
home will take some adjusting.
It helps a lot if this person is not
a pain in the well, you know.
Encourage your parent to give
it a go for a week or two and if
it doesnt work, move along to
someone else. In other words,
take the long view here; its not
about nding someone perfect
right now, its about nding
someone that youre father will
be comfortable with over time.
Valerie Taylor, President
Senior Helpers
13 W. Ormond Avenue, Suite 1
Cherry Hill, NJ 08002
856-216-1920
www.seniorhelpers.com
If your aging parent only
wants help once a week
to begin with, then once
a week it is.