Neil Kreinbrink Sopranos Essay 2 10/30/08 Tony Sopranos Thoughts

Because of Dr. Melfis request I, Tony Soprano, am writing down my thoughts and feelings on paper for a change. By writing down what I am thinking, maybe I can find the root cause of why I suffer panic attacks and hope to understand what I am trying to accomplish in my life. When I think of myself, I think of a good, hard working man that loves his family. I run a very successful business that provides wealth to my family and many of my associates. In this business there is a known risk. Everyone knows what is at stake and if you dont play the game right, you could very well find yourself dead. Once I became boss of the New Jersey family after Jackie Aprile died, I knew I wasnt going to let any bullshit fly. It was finally my time to run the family, my chance to represent the Soprano name. No one should ever think about crossing me. But for some reason, theres always some stupid mother fucker that doesnt think before he acts. This pisses me off because what I expect to happen never actually does. Somehow, someone always fucks something up and I end up having to take care of it. I guess the world seems to always find a way to let me down. I mean for crying out loud, I am a boss. I dont have time for depression or worrying about my feelings. But Ill be honest with myself; things havent exactly been the best. Maybe this whole writing down my feelings thing could actually help me understand what I need to do to find happiness? One major thing that plagues my thoughts at times is the fact that I have had to kill many people that were once very close to me. For example take Big Pussy. This guy was like a brother to me. We knew each other for over thirty years. He was one of my best friends and was there

with me from the beginning. One day however, the guy disappears for about a year. No one, not even the guys wife knows where he went off to. Well, about a year later he shows back up saying he was down in Puerto Rico receiving treatment. My instincts told me there was something else going on. Turns out the FBI flipped the mother fucker. Pussy, how could this asshole do this to me, to the family? So I had no other choice. He went against the family and was now a rat piece of shit. I know I made the right decision by killing him, but why do I have this feeling of guilt? Its that damn talking fish meadow got me for Christmas and those fucking dreams. Either way I need to put it behind me; I have more important things to deal with. Recently, I had to question some of the decisions I made. I mean I killed Ralphie, a captain in my own crew. He was a sick son of a bitch; however he was a top earner. The cocksucker burned down the horse stables and killed my horse Pie-O-My. He lied straight to my face about it too. What the hell was he thinking killing that horse? Fuck it, he went against me, he deserved to die. There are people that can step up and take his place. There is however one situation I wish I could of changed. One of the women I was seeing awhile back, ended up killing herself. Her name was Gloria; she committed suicide by hanging herself. When we first started seeing each other everything was great. We had good sex and she made me very happy. However, as the relationship went on she started going psycho. I mean the bitch threw a fucking steak at my head. She seemed to get off by creating unneeded tension between us. It got so bad that she even seemed to resemble everything I hated about my mother. She ended up threatening me that she would call Carmela or tell Meadow about us if I broke it off with her. What was I supposed to do? I had to get away from this crazy broad. But still I wish there was a way that I could have saved her from killing herself. Dr. Melfi told me that this probably couldnt be avoided but I feel like it is my fault she died.

One major incident that has been stressing me out is this whole situation between the New Jersey Family and the New York Family. Since Carmine, has passed away, the position of boss of the New York family has opened up. However he didnt leave an heir to his throne. This basically started a war between Carmines son and Johnny Sac who is the underboss of New York. Here I am stuck in the middle attempting to remain neutral, hoping to stay away from this big mess. I know that if I get involved in any way, the other side could end up coming after some of my guys let alone me. This is where a problem has started. You see, my cousin Tony B just recently got out of prison. I started him out with some small stuff so he could start earning again. I got big plans for this guy; I mean he has an IQ of 153. If he mixes his genius with his abilities he could become one hell of a mobster. The problem is I suspect the guy killed Joey Peeps. I figure Carmines crew offered Tony B some cash to place a hit on Peeps in retaliation for the Loraine Calluzzo hit. I mean Tony B is family and all but he went behind my back playing fucking free agent. Now I have Johnny Sac all pissed off, looking for something to be done about my cousin. I am in a fucking bind here because there is no telling what Tony B could do next and I have to make sure things are in good terms with New York. When Johnny Sac mentioned that the person who killed Peeps was spotted limping away from the scene of the crime, I had a panic attack. These panic attacks seem to stream from family related incidences that make me sick inside. It hit me then that Blundetto had actually made the hit. That was the reason his foot was all fucked up. Peeps car probably ran over his foot as Tony B shot him. I am really going to have to figure out what to do about this situation before something really goes fucking wrong. If my cousin cant stay out of things that arent any of his business then I might have to take care of him just like I did to all the others that have been released from prison.

One major thing that has been bothering me is the fact that my nephew Christopher had a major drug problem. When I needed him to come do a job for me, half of the time he showed up high. I count on this kid a lot, seeing on how in the future he is the only one I am going to converse with about the family business. That way by only associating between blood, I will be able to keep the FBI out of my hair. Christopher cleaned up though by going to a drug rehab center. Since then he has been clean from drugs. There was however an incident that almost ruined Chriss and Is relationship. When Chris was in North Carolina working on a job for the business, something happened between Adrianna and I. We were both at the Crazy Horse one night and did some blow. We started playing darts and then we almost made out but we were interrupted by a knock at the door. Nothing ended up happening but it very well could of. I talked to Dr. Melfi about the situation. This is the first time I have refrained from having sexual relations with a woman I definitely wanted to have sex with. I mean its not right. He is my nephew and all. I dont think I could betray him like that. A few days later I go back to the Crazy Horse. It is late and everyone has already left the club except me and Adrianna. We ended up deciding to drive to meet one of her dealers to score some blow. But as I was driving to the get the coke, something jumped out in front of my car and made me swerve and flip onto the road. I was fine but Adrianna sustained some pretty bad cuts and bruises. When Christopher got wind of this he flipped out and thought I had been having sex with Adrianna. It also didnt help that some cocksucker made up a story about how she was blowing me in the car. Anyway the kid flipped out. He came to the Bada Bing one night wielding a pistol, piss drunk off of a handle of vodka. He shot out my tires and came into the club saying he was going to fucking kill me but luckily the clip was empty. I wasnt too terribly surprised that the situation came down to this. So I gave Christopher two choices. He could choose to live and believe I didnt do anything with his fianc

or he could choose to die not taking my word for it. Tony B calmed me down and asked me to do things his way by sparing Christophers life. I look back on the situation and I am glad that I didnt shoot my nephew that day. It would have been a terrible death to the family. Maybe this whole controlling my anger thing can actually help benefit me just like Dr. Melfi said. The biggest change in my life has to be the fact me and Carmela are separated. Can you believe this shit? We have been married over twenty years and one day she just kicks me out of my own house. Ungrateful bitch, the whole reason she has anything is because of my fucking sweat. She knew what she was in for when she married me. Goomahs are just part of the whole process. Even so, this is a huge blow to me. I mean I am always talking about how family is the most important thing in the world to me. Yet, Carm and I arent even together because of the way I treated her. Maybe I need to realize what is more important in my life. I mean Carmela is the mother of my children. Out of all the women that I have been with, what good are they for other than sex. I always end up getting bored or annoyed with them and have to find an easy way to get them off of my back. One even committed suicide because I wouldnt stay with her. In the end I guess my dick is the one to blame for all of this. Anyway, I had this dream the other day. It was one of the fucking weirdest dreams I have ever had. All these people that were dead kept appearing in my dream asking if I was ready yet. They kept pushing me to do something, but I wasnt quite sure what it was. Eventually a whole mob chased me down the street and the next thing I know I am in my house talking to Carmela. It was then when I realized what I needed to do. I need to make things right with me and Carmela so that I can relive myself of this stress and hopefully stop my panic attacks. I love my family and I would do anything for them. This is something that I have to do. Italian families dont go down like this. And I wont let my family The Sopranos be broken apart.

I am glad that I wrote my feelings down. For the first time I feel like I understand a little bit more about myself. I guess Dr. Melfi was actually right. I realized that over everything else I need to make sure everything is right between my family and I, because if you dont have family you dont have anything. I also realized that sometimes it is better to control my anger in order to not make a bad decision. I learned this by not killing Christopher. But most of all I realized that I need to enjoy the good times with the people I love. If I let this stress get to me I will just keep having panic attacks. We will see how this situation goes with Carmela. Hopefully it is not too late to make things right.