The Erotic Impulse

Christopher Lovejoy

The Erotic Impulse A Path to Erotic Transcendence

Copyright 2002 by Christopher Lovejoy

The Erotic Impulse

Christopher Lovejoy

Preface
The erotic impulse is not much discussed, and yet, it is everywhere present. What a curious paradox. The erotic impulse comes unbidden. At any time, it might propel itself into awareness, with immediacy, with a yearning to be satisfied. A mere glance can trigger it. As can a casual touch or the presence of someone nearby. The erotic impulse marks a beginning ~ in a gaze, in a caress, in momentary, bodily contact. Fleeting and fragile, it can end just as quickly as it begins. What a curious paradox. But the erotic impulse can rise and fall in tune with the keeper of Eros. A keeper can cultivate the conditions for a powerful erotic dance. The erotic impulse clears a path to the everlasting embrace. Sadly but truly, it is

considered dangerous for precisely this reason. Through anticipation and longing, by overcoming ambivalence, in defiance of prohibition, in a perpetual search for power, the erotic impulse can put the keeper on a path to erotic transcendence. The erotic impulse, properly and painstakingly cultivated, can provide a means of communication unsurpassed by its clarity, depth, and power of expression. Every glance, every touch, every presence, acquires lasting significance. Every gaze and every caress is pregnant with meaning, commanding full attention. On a path to erotic transcendence, less is more. A keeper of Eros can electrify a partner with just a hint of things to come, with the allure of naughtiness, with a whisper of submission or domination. Most fortunate are those keepers who can stay open to erotic surprises aplenty, both large and small.

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On a path to erotic transcendence, trust is key, through a capacity to relax your defenses and be caught off guard, in the ability to plumb erotic possibilities in a familiar face or space. From a sacred place of trust, innocence and wonder, keepers of Eros cultivate stimulating, imaginative lives of erotic experience. On a path to erotic transcendence, keepers savor feelings of personal validation through erotic encounters that thrive on holy communications. But a path to sanctify the body is not an easy one. What follows is a blueprint to engage the core of your vitality, to clear your own path to erotic bliss.

The Erotic Impulse

Christopher Lovejoy

One The Erotic Impulse

The everlasting embrace represents attachment to ideal. Through art, the ideal subjects or objects inside the embrace are expressed as symbols, while the embrace itself is a culmination of what is relevant or significant to life and love in the eyes of the subject or subjects. For example, a rotating sculpture of a woman in ecstasy who embraces a very large, fully erect penis depicts a subject in love with the beauty and power of the divine masculine; her heartfelt attachment to the ideal masculine is immediate and obvious. A sculpture of two lovers locked inside a timeless embrace portrays two subjects in love with the beauty and power of each other; their attachment to an ideal relationship is vivid and immediate. In both examples, the embrace is a culmination: the embodiments are sanctified and the ideals they embody are upheld as worthy and worthwhile. Where the everlasting embrace is spiritual, the erotic impulse is visceral. The erotic impulse puts you in touch with the core of your vitality by giving you an opportunity to sanctify the body. A knowing glance, a surreptitious smile, a loving gaze -- all send strong visual messages of interest to another. Words that charm, laughter that enchants, eyes that sparkle -- all communicate strong engagement with another. A delicate touch, a sweet caress, a sacred kiss -- all sanctify the body of a beloved. All serve to sustain vitality in perpetuity. These acts, alone or in combination, may or may not invite the body of a beloved into an indescribably luscious experience of sensual delight. These acts, alone or in combination, may or may not invite the body of a beloved into a violent and passionate experience of sexual conquest. The erotic impulse stands alone. As a medium to acknowledge and express subtle attraction, it has no equal. As a delicate instrument to disrupt orderly conduct, it has no equal. As a vehicle for stimulating the imagination, it has no equal. As an impetus to sanctify the body, it has no equal. As an agent of playful and dramatic expression, it has no equal. As a force for transcendence, it has no equal. That it has endured through

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history in spite of those who would pervert, thwart, subdue, suppress or deny it, is a tried and true testimony of its fundamental power in the overall human experience. In plumbing the depths of its multi-faceted nature, but before exploring fully those many facets in turn, we would do well to introduce its relevance and significance to the everlasting embrace. The embrace has multiple meanings: to express affection and desire with a hug; to readily accept a golden opportunity; to take up the promise of something new and wonderful; to encircle, surround, or enclose someone in a ceremonial ritual; to include an object or subject of interest in a repertoire; to mentally take in a breathtaking vista. All of these suggest attachment to ideal; the everlasting embrace represents attachment to the ultimate ideal. The ultimate ideal, the quintessential ideal, is everlasting life and love in this world. The ultimate embrace, the everlasting embrace, is to forever take up and keep up the promise of life and love in this world. The fundamental power of the erotic impulse is ideally suited to support such a commitment, one that could span decades, centuries, even millennia of wholesome, responsible living. A clue to understanding how the erotic impulse is relevant and significant to the everlasting embrace can be found in the definition of the everlasting embrace. It is not enough to take up the everlasting embrace, to take up the promise of everlasting life and love in this world. One must also keep it up. The erotic impulse acquires relevance from those who have learned to tap into its power to take up the promise, and gains significance from those who have learned to orchestrate its power to keep up that promise. From a sacred and vulnerable place of trust, innocence and wonder, a lover of life remains open to the power of Eros to take up the promise of life and love in this world. In perpetuity, this sacred place can permit the reception and expression of the erotic impulse in all of its vitality and splendor. Through the centuries, countless leaders have exploited or suppressed the erotic impulse in the name of ideology or religion, in a perverse but fruitless attempt to usurp or deny its fundamental power. Today, the moral fabric that would creatively and constructively

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entertain, support and permit the reception and expression of the erotic impulse is in tatters. Mere dozens of artistic and literary free spirits around the world have resisted exploitation and suppression to struggle valiantly to give the erotic impulse its due, providing lovers of life with a means to contemplate and celebrate its manifestations in all of their glory. Until the day when people can enjoy them freely and openly ~ without guilt, shame or embarrassment ~ the realm of art offers invaluable outlets to appreciate and channel the power and beauty of the erotic impulse in a bid to keep up the promise of living and loving forever in this life, in this world. The essays that follow provide a blueprint for erotic transcendence, starting with a look at the nature of erotic attraction between and among men and women and then, from an historical perspective, shedding some light on how and why this erotic attraction made the erotic impulse such an object of fear and loathing, of ridicule and suppression. This accounting will then pave the way for a look at the erotic imagination as a vehicle for upholding erotic initiations and creative erotic expression in everyday life. Finally, this writer will lay bare the quest for erotic transcendence in light of the topics that build up to it. I invite you, the lover of Eros, to read Conversations with Sophia as an illustration of my own quest for erotic transcendence. I leave you now with some encouragement to follow your path to erotic transcendence: If truth be told, the world of Eros is the domain of Sophia. She delights in the pleasures of the fingers, eyes and body: in the eternal caress, the everlasting gaze, the exquisite embrace. The physical realm is sacred to her, a sweet and lovely complement to the realm of spirituality. She invites you to keep yourself open to the influence of Eros: to listen, to respect, to respond to the quick and vital impulses of Eros, but to keep your moral, emotional and spiritual bearings. Sophia knows that Eros can be a frightening but powerful path to your ethical, psychological and spiritual transcendence. Let the quest begin.

The Erotic Impulse

Christopher Lovejoy

Two Erotic Men, Erotic Women

It might be said that erotic men assert their erotic impulses, and that erotic women permit their expression, but such hearsay would play uncomfortably into traditional stereotypes of men and women. A desirable woman can put a man at her tender mercy when she asserts her erotic power, and a desirable man can melt the resolve of the most hardened woman if or when he lovingly gives her permission to be erotic and powerful with him. Traditionally, men have compressed the truth and beauty of tender touch, of the intimate gaze, of sensual comfort and care, of the erotic embrace, into a single act of penetration. Traditionally, women have reduced and confined their erotic power to the scrupulosity of refined romance to contain the danger of pregnancy, to retain their status as good girls. A traditional man scored points when he successfully penetrated the shield of romantic nicety; a traditional woman scored points when she successfully tamed the male beast of sex. But the dichotomy that prevailed between the moral high ground and the erotic domain proved to be painful, difficult, and costly. The longstanding conflict that emerged from this dichotomy only served to make men feel rejected and resentful, and to make women feel put upon, objectified and angry. The erotic dance that could have produced a magical connection between man and woman had been lost, along with its potential for healing, pleasure, intimacy and fulfillment. In this essay, I provide a sketch of genetic differences between man and woman from the vantage point of evolutionary psychology, and then set a context for making sense of their erotic differences. I examine the implications of these differences for what I call the everlasting embrace. Let us now look at what makes a man and woman different from a social and biological point of view. ***

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Men are bigger, taller and stronger on average than women, but women on average live longer, are less likely to die in an accident, and are much less likely to be incarcerated for a crime. The relevance of gender to the erotic impulse lies in the finding (supported by numerous cross-cultural studies) that men are "easy" and women are "choosy" in those situations that contain the most promise for sexual contact. In men, the erotic impulse is highly indiscriminate by nature; women, on the other hand, tend to be more selective. On a purely biological level, it is not too hard to see why. The total investment of a woman in one pregnancy is about 80,000 calories - the amount of energy required to run 800 miles. By contrast, a man's investment may not last more than a minute, and involve little more than 5 millimeters of fluid. A sperm donor can earn $100 for an ejaculation; a woman, however, can fetch anywhere from $5,000 to $80,000 for her precious eggs. In the genetic lottery, women are clearly invaluable if they carry the promise of fertility. But then, so are men ~ but only if they have the genes (and the cash) to back them up. Where the brains of men are wired to push them to accumulate and secure resources, the minds of women are primed by nature to safeguard their precious cargo. Men with connections are attractive. Men with status command attention. Men with hefty assets and high incomes are simply irresistible to women. If such a man proves to be honest, considerate, generous and dependable, a woman would likely kill (at least in her own mind) anyone who threatened to cut short a nascent (or established) relationship with him. By the same token, women blessed with health and fitness, youth and beauty, with flawless complexions, symmetrical faces and bodies, with hip-waist ratios in the 0.68 to 0.72 range, are in high demand on the meet market. All of these attributes hold the promise of fertility, all of them signal reproductive fitness, but if a woman of this stature also turns out to be honest, caring, considerate and dependable, a man in a relationship with her might not hesitate to kill anyone who posed a serious threat to it. Studies indicate that men are more threatened by the thought of their partners having sex, whereas women tend to feel more threatened by partners who engage other women in

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romance. These observations square well with what men and women want in a serious and committed relationship. On the level where marriage is construed as a cool and calculating exchange, men bring the promise of time, caring, commitment, and cash; women bring time, caring, commitment, and the promise of fertility. The properties that make men attractive to women are written on his forehead with a dollar sign, on the car he drives, on the clothes he wears, on the house he owns, on the business he runs; the features that make women attractive to men are written all over her face and body. When a married man courts the interest of "the other woman," he threatens (whether he realizes it or not) to take coveted resources away from his partner. When a married woman turns on her seductive charm for "the new man in her life," she threatens (whether she realizes it or not) to give away the promise of fertility she originally offered (implied or not) to her partner. Interestingly, human bodies are designed by nature to thwart infidelity. Numerous studies bear this out. For example, where women are concerned, a staggering 99 percent of a man's ejaculate is not there to fertilize their eggs, but to block or destroy competing sperm from other males. Where men are concerned, a woman's reproductive cycle is cleverly hidden to make it difficult for them to know just when she is at her most fertile. Infidelity is an attempt, often subconscious, by one partner to advance his or her side of the marriage exchange. Traitorous men want more fertility or better partners; adulterous women want better genes or better partners. "Better partners" in this context means more stability, financial or emotional, which in turn translates into a more secure foundation for partners to be able to give and receive more of their time, caring and commitment. The results of treachery, or (even more daunting) the perception of treachery, can all too easily turn violent and deadly for everyone concerned. By now, we may be starting to get an inkling as to why the erotic impulse has been such a target of suspicion. Unfortunately, I have barely scratched the surface of the ugliness that can plague relations between (and among) the sexes, of the mutual fear and mistrust that can so easily sully the social climate, which may impel some of us to put the erotic

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impulse to shame and make it a target of blame. But fortunately for us, the erotic impulse will not die. It is too much a part of us, too much a part of what makes us human. And it really does make a poor scapegoat for the all of the chaos, dysfunction and violence that can arise from relationships gone bad (or on the verge of going bad). We may even feel inclined to think that the erotic impulse itself is beyond redemption. But that, of course, would be a serious mistake. A promise to be loyal to someone does not come without a certain loss of freedom, but is more than made up for by a loving relationship built on a foundation of trust and mutual respect. Infidelity (or the perception of infidelity) seriously undermines that foundation. To avoid or prevent strife and conflict, intelligent and committed partners work on making their potential or established unions a sweet deal. A man will earn the wherewithal to offer a constant flow of gifts to his partner and to acquire impeccable timing in the giving of those gifts; to regularly give of himself and his precious time; to learn to listen and respond with respect, or just listen when there is nothing else he can do; to demonstrate effective care and concern; to provide exclusive material access to his partner, and to give her beautiful things to honor and cherish her. A woman will make herself available and desirable in body, mind, heart and soul; strive to be physically active, emotionally alive, intellectually astute and spiritually aware; be expert in the techniques of wholesome seduction; know when to back away and respect distance and separation; give exclusive sexual access to her partner and let him know it on subtle terms; and make beautiful love to honor and cherish him. A couple informed by these goals can create a garden of delight where the erotic impulse can thrive. As long as they remain interesting and attractive to each other, there can be little or no conflict between monogamous intentions and the genes that would encourage infidelity. But this essay is about the erotic impulse, about erotic men and erotic women. Clearly, men and women are different: they have different needs, different desires, and therefore different expectations with respect to each other. When those differences are ignored or dismissed, there can be no dance. Breakdowns in communication inevitably follow, and mutual trust and respect are the first casualties. But the difficulties that are perceived to
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be associated with the erotic impulse run deeper than any potential breakdown in communication between the sexes. On the one hand, many of us possess a desire for harmonious and monogamous relations. On the other hand, our genes are screaming for more partners, more experience, more pleasure, more fertility and more resources. Biologically and socially, we are in perpetual conflict with ourselves. But perhaps this conflict is not so bad. Perhaps this fundamental, and dare I say it, inherent conflict in who we are is part and parcel of being conscious and aware. We know day through night, enjoy warmth through cold, appreciate tranquility through agitation; if we get too comfortable, we will find ways to sabotage that comfort (even when that makes little or no sense to us). A monogamous relationship tries to satisfy our natural desires for comfort, safety and security, but the erotic impulse is the voice of our genes, telling us that there is more to life than the comfort, safety and security of the known and familiar. In the highly charged impulses toward attractive display, toward words softly or confidently spoken, toward prolonged gaze and tender touch, women and men assured of their worth let each other know that they are ready and willing to engage each other fully ~ body, mind, heart and soul. A romantic and savvy man knows his own mind. He knows where he is strong, and where he can be selective in showing weakness. He is honest about wanting a woman only as beautiful in body, heart and soul, as his mental and material resources can command, but is not afraid to engage her mind to see how far he can take them. He knows enough to direct his erotic impulses toward cultivating a relationship before using them to establish a sensual connection. In the giving of his gifts of time and care, in the giving of his objects of love to honor and cherish, he can do so more effectively with the erotic impulse in mind. A romantically savvy woman also knows her own mind. She, too, knows where she is strong, and where she can be selective in sharing weakness. She is honest about wanting a man only as resourceful in mind, heart and soul, as her emotional and physical assets can attract, but is not afraid to seduce his mind to see how far she can take them. She,

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too, directs her erotic impulses toward cultivating relationship before using them to establish a sensual connection. In making herself available and desirable, she can do so more persuasively with the erotic impulse at hand. With the erotic impulse, both women and men can prepare the ground for a sensual connection, preferably with love in mind. But even here, in the sensuality of love, men and women are different. *** A woman requires a relational context in which to flourish. She cannot so easily separate love and sensuality. She may need the assurance of loyalty after a night of making love. Even if she does not appear to need it, a man would be foolish not to provide it ~ with a phone call, a love letter, a note of gratitude, eloquent poetry, a tender kiss, a few words of devotion. By contrast, a man requires an impersonal context in which to function. He cannot so easily combine love and sensuality. When he is lost in the sensual embrace of a woman, love to him may suddenly look and feel very much like need. He may want to re-assert his strength after a night of making love. It may appear that he has no need to do this, but a woman would do well to give him the space to be strong, or to subtly and lovingly encourage him to assert it. The worst romantic mistake anyone could possibly make is to associate all that is warm and soft and kind with inadequacy and weakness, and to associate all that is cool and hard and rough with cruelty and brutality. With positive instruction, and the proper attitude, the erotic impulse is a steady, reliable guide to the embrace of virtue and discipline between man and woman, to the support of an embrace both real and imagined, both visceral and vicarious. Through experience and through art, man and woman learn to appreciate their erotic differences in a constant play of opposites. Unfortunately, the legacy of discrimination against women has poisoned relations between the sexes, and has created a destructive fallout that may take decades to heal. The blame and shame game between the sexes only serves to perpetuate fear and mistrust, to subdue and suppress the erotic impulse, and to keep the everlasting embrace in the shadows of guilt and shame.

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The everlasting embrace in art is the pinnacle of erotic success, a reminder of where we can be if or when we feel the crucial need for embodiment. Through experience, the everlasting embrace brings us back to our bodies, brings us back to making our bodies sacred objects of care and concern. In the earthly quest for immortality, there can be few experiences more important than the feeling that this life and world matters. But if we deny our bodies, we ultimately deny our minds, heart and soul, and deny a place for the everlasting embrace in our daily lives, in our most important relationships. The brutal suppression of Eros in past centuries, and the attempts to subdue the erotic impulse even today, have come at a steep cost. In the third essay of this collection, Eros Subdued, Eros Denied, I will examine that cost, and shed some light on why the powers that be felt so compelled to exploit and deny Eros through centuries of ignorance and shame. The remaining essays in this collection lay a groundwork for exposing that ignorance and healing the unspeakable shame that went with it.

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Three Eros Subdued, Eros Denied

I took her bare foot into my hands and ran my fingers along the arch. Her eyes, so exquisitely shaped, like almonds, so filled with the pain of pleasure, silently beseeched me for a respite from the agony of her desire. Now, I knelt before her, respectfully, like a slave to her desire, and worshipped her delicate foot with a care typically reserved for the most sublime work of art. I spoke to her softly, telling her how much I adored the way she looked at me whenever she wanted a clear response from me. That look alone was enough to command me. What did her eyes say now? I put the squeeze on the flank of her foot and she released a plaintive moan of approval. This scene contains many of the elements required for a full and fulfilling erotic experience. For a woman, the sense of touch is paramount to fan the flames of her desire; for a man, the sense of sight is almost imperative to ignite the flame of his desire. A woman fully receptive to the male voice of desire can only serve to deepen her feeling and experience of being an object of devotion. A man fully receptive to the female voice of desire can only serve to deepen his need to treat her like an object of beauty, care and desire. In the full erotic presence of another, the movement of fingers and lips acquire an ever-greater sense of urgency. Sight, voice, touch, presence, movement. None of these elements of the physical contain any erotic significance without a willingness to surrender to your experience, without a will to love the object of your desire. But even as a freshly picked apple in an orchard can be an object of desire, a freshly picked apple has no immediate erotic significance. A freshly picked apple is a sensuous object. It is sensuous only because it has the potential to engage the senses and to please them. I may see that it is large and red, that it is fragrant when I bring my nostrils close to it, that it feels hard and smooth to the touch, that it cracks when I sink my teeth into it, so tasty and sweet. It should be clear that a freshly picked apple can only acquire erotic significance through association with erotic experience, delicately and lovingly

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incorporated into foreplay, through relations founded on deep erotic sharing. A sensuous object can stand alone, but erotic objects of desire can do little or nothing without a sensuous response. It is imperative that we remain open to the sensuous elements of experience if we have any hope or wish of cultivating our capacities for the erotic. The sensual picks up where the erotic leaves off, but as a symptom of any rift between the mind and the body, the sensual is often confused with the sensuous and the erotic. In the scenario above, i.e., I put the squeeze on the flank of her foot ... , this simple act marks a clear transition from the erotic to the sensual. The erotic impulse has already served its purpose to charge the foot, the object of care, with erotic desire: to attract focus to the foot, to bring the foot into focus, to focus the mind on the foot, to sanctify the foot, to endow the foot with reverence, to surround the foot with erotic pleasure. Putting the squeeze on the foot becomes a sensual act only after the object of desire (the foot) has received adequate attention ~ that is to say, sensuous and erotic attention. The hands of the giver of the squeeze can be highly charged with erotic energy no less than the foot of the receiver of the squeeze. This combined energy propels and compels the giver to commit exquisite acts of sensuality on the receiver. For example, the hands of the giver may travel up the calves, quads and thighs, gripping and clutching copious amounts of flesh or muscle, until the interaction between giver and receiver becomes sexual. But the interaction between giver and receiver becomes sexual only after the giver and receiver of pleasure involves the mouth or genitalia. The tongue and orifice of the mouth are imperfect but adequate reflections of the potent sexual energy contained within the penis and vagina. Indeed, it is no wonder that food and sex are so closely related. Be that as it may, sexuality must not be confused with sensuality. The experience of sexual pleasure is far more potent, far more reaching in its consequences, than the experience of sensual pleasure ever could be. That is not to belittle sensual pleasure. Sensual pleasure serves a vital link between the erotic and the sexual. In general terms, then, a romantic setting might create an atmosphere that heightens the sensuous aspects of experience, thereby setting the stage for an erotic encounter, which may include a sensual experience, that may or may not turn sexual. There is a certain logic in the transition from sensuous

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to romantic, from romantic to erotic, from the erotic to the sensual, and from the sensual to the sexual. The details of implementation may differ widely and creatively, and one step in the sequence may not (necessarily) lead to the next, but the sequence itself does not yield much if what you seek is satisfaction and fulfillment. Now, if you take notice of where the erotic sits with respect to the other steps, you will see that it lies in the middle, between the relatively safe and harmless areas of the sensuous and romantic and the more powerful, potentially dangerous realms of the sensual and sexual. It would seem that Eros carries a unique burden of accountability. But throughout history, to the present day, the erotic impulse has been exploited and subdued, suppressed and denied. Those who live a life of the flesh often feel no shame in its exploitation ~ Eros subdued. Those who aspire to a life of the spirit often feel no compunction in its suppression ~ Eros denied. But why the split between flesh and spirit? In my essay Erotic Men, Erotic Women, I explore, in a quick and dirty fashion, some of the reasons for, and roots of, that frightful creature known as marital infidelity. We saw that human beings are biologically and evolutionarily designed and primed to be opportunistic in the so-called mating game. Unconsciously prodded and driven by the imperatives of reproductive fitness, men want more fertility; women want better genes for their offspring. And, of course, both want "better" partners, whether conscious of that desire or not. Translation of "better" partners? Emotional and financial stability. Men looking for commitment want true intimacy (and healthy babies), and the status and recognition that go along with them. Women looking for commitment want the status (and the cash), and the care and respect that typically go with them. Let us look at another piece of the puzzle. Eros stands as a gateway between the romantic and the sensual, a gateway to the realms of the sensual and the sexual, but what makes sensuality and sexuality so powerful and potentially dangerous? First, a few distinctions. Sensuality is uniquely feminine; women can draw much power from sensual interaction. Sexuality is uniquely masculine; men can draw much power from a sexual

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exchange. Sensuality by its nature is receptive; sexuality by its nature is aggressive. An erotic encounter that segues into an equal sharing of sensual and sexual energy satisfies both feminine and masculine desire. If one or the other dominates for long, the other is frustrated. That is to say, a series of wholly sensual interactions will frustrate male desire; a series of wholly sexual interactions will frustrate female desire. A balance will satisfy both, a balance that makes it possible for men and women to conduct their lives in relative peace, to conduct their affairs (no pun intended) with relative ease, to make their decisions in relative comfort. The power of sensuality and sexuality lie in their potential to enable men and women to conduct themselves with confidence, to empower sensible behavior, effective decisions, responsive, responsible action. sensuality and sexuality to enhance quality of life for both sexes. But what makes them potentially dangerous? Sensuality and sexuality find their shadows in betrayal and infidelity; in perception of treachery, real or imagined; in the fear, suspicion and mistrust that come in the wake of such perception, in the opportunistic behavior of the mating game. They add up to a natural compulsion for reproductive fitness; the status and respect that go along with it are just icing on the cake. At the root of any conflict between (and among) men and women for quality mates lies an unfortunate fact and condition known as inequality. Some men are stronger, more intelligent, have better connections than other men, and may therefore have more status and resources at their command. Some women are healthier, more attractive, enjoy better fitness than other women, and may therefore command more attention and more offers from potential suitors. Among the romantically challenged, frustrated desire breeds a stew of negative feelings: resentment, contempt, cynicism, fear, mistrust, envy, hostility ~ feelings that can manifest themselves in the strangest and most bizarre ways, feelings that can create ceaseless inner conflict, feelings that can lead to unspeakable violence and destruction. Among the romantically savvy, much time and effort is required to woo potential mates, to cultivate new bonds, to maintain lasting relationships. With the exception of professional helpers, there is precious little time for anyone (especially the romantically Such is the power of

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savvy) to assist and support the romantically challenged, and to help them "find love in all the right places." Individually and alone, we all face the personal challenge of becoming (and remaining) desirable; collectively and together, we all face the social challenge of promoting good will and keeping the peace. In the meantime, those who perceive themselves as having failed in the mating game will enter a life of the flesh with abandon, or retreat altogether into a life of the mind or spirit, or find themselves in a kind of romantic and sexual limbo. The split between flesh and spirit is reflected in the historical record, which indicates that three negative views of sensuality and sexuality dominated since before the time of Christ. Six hundred years before Christ, artists portrayed Eros (the Greek god of love) as mad, foolish, irrational and uncontrollable. In Ancient Greece, the mind and soul came to be seen as seeking liberation from the body, in which flesh was perceived as the source of evil. Plato (and then Socrates) viewed all forms of physical sexuality as inferior to abstinence because they involved the body. Plato went so far as to claim that the world would benefit greatly if all sexual pleasures were starved. His utopia forbade all nonprocreative sexual relations. The Stoic view picked up where the Platonic view left off. The Stoics came to believe that sex was a part of the burden that the soul had to carry and release before it could rise to a level worthy of divinity. They viewed the ecstasy of sex as dangerous, hard to control, a threat to the health of men. They counseled persons of honor and conscience to temper their sexual passions, even with their own spouses. Musonius Rufus, a contemporary of Christ, who was greatly admired by Christians, maintained that procreation alone is the natural purpose of sex and that contraception was unnatural. And it was Artemidorus, a Stoic, who insisted that the only morally acceptable position for sexual intercourse was male-superior and face-to-face ~ the so-called missionary position. Oral eroticism was pegged "an awful act." The Gnostic view, thought to originate just before the birth of Christ in Persia, was highly pessimistic, and stressed that all material things were essentially worthless. They saw the

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body as a "corpse with senses, a grave that you carry around with you." The Gnostics believed that demons created this world, and that the soul of Man was a mere spark of light from another world captured by demonic powers, banished to this world of darkness, imprisoned by the body. This demonization of the body (and the world of matter itself) was unheard of in the Greco-Christian world before the Gnostic view took hold. life. At the Council of Elvira in 309 A.D., almost half of the 81 canons that the Christian Church adopted dealt with issues of sexuality. These canons (the laws of the Church by which it judged conduct) reflect a deep fear of sex as contamination and defilement. Sexual purity was proclaimed the Christian standard, and almost every imaginable form of sex was proscribed or severely limited. By 600 A.D., Pope Gregory the Great had declared that "sensual pleasure can never be without sin." Anselm of Laon, the Father of Scholasticism, who died in 1117 A.D., saw fit to proclaim that the amount of pleasure in any action determines the extent of its sinfulness. In the thirteenth century, Thomas Aquinas taught "sexual pleasure completely checks the use of reason," "stifles reason," and "absorbs the mind," arguing that the less passion a husband has for his wife, the more children he will have and the healthier they will be. Abelard, one of the few medieval Christian thinkers who took a more benign view of sensuality and sexuality, declared that "no natural pleasure of the flesh may be declared a sin, nor may one impute guilt when someone is delighted by pleasure where he must necessarily feel it." Unfortunately for Abelard, after his scandalous love for Heloise was discovered, she was sent to a convent and he was castrated in his sleep. The cumulative effect of these views against sensuality and sexuality was to close down the erotic gateway and to make the erotic impulse a convenient scapegoat ~ an easy target for blame and shame ~ found guilty by association with the so-called abnormal forms of sexual expression that failed to conform with a narrow, religiously sanctioned definition of monogamous sexual relations solely for the purpose of procreation. The consignment In the fourth century, after Emperor Constantine made Christianity the state religion, sexual abstinence and celibacy replaced idolatry as central to the Christian moral

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of sex to these erotophobic views had a dual purpose: (1) to provide cold comfort for those who felt daunted and intimidated by the challenge of being or becoming sexual and sexually desirable to others; and (2) to restrain sexual excess by forcing sex into the institutions of marriage and the family in order to promote good will and to keep the peace. The legacy of this socially coercive consignment, however, has had many unfortunate, even devastating consequences. The suppression of erotic feeling is a form of denial that can lead to frustration, undermine relationship, damage health and well-being. Because of the ignorance that surrounds the experience and expression of erotic feeling, it is imperative that we, individually, affirm the beauty and the pleasure of the erotic impulse, to be aware of the difference between having a feeling and acting in response to a feeling; that we affirm the beauty and the pleasure of our bodies, that we affirm our own definition of what it means to be sexy, to expand our own views of what it means to be sensuous, romantic, erotic, sensual and sexual; to challenge the belief that the best and only way to enjoy sex is to acquire and consume rather than simply be who we are. Inside the womb of my mother, I likely had regular erections. When I was born, I came into this world a fragile, delicate, but highly erotic, sensual human creature focused intently on sensations that invigorated my senses of sight, sound, touch, smell and taste ~ my deafening cries and screams filled with a lust for life. Before I was taught to cut myself in half, to divide myself between body and mind, order and chaos, good and evil, proper and improper, normal and perverted, male and female, I just was, simply and unabashedly primal and lustful and eager for life. As a child at the age of five, I can remember how deeply erotic and sensual I could be with my body, with the exquisite sensations of my sweet and lovely genitalia. I struggled and I fought and I hid my feelings from those who would deny me my erotic birthright. I shrank from the warped sensibilities of those who would tell me that my erotic, sensual, sexual feelings were bad, naughty, unacceptable. I have held on to my sweet birthright of feeling, and through this very essay, I have gained a victory against those who tried but

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failed to condemn, judge and turn my erotic impulse against me. But I have won. I have succeeded. I have lived to tell the tale. I have discovered who I am as an erotic being. In the scenario that I describe at the very beginning of this essay, I have identified quite clearly what I enjoy from an erotic point of view. And I feel good about it. Very good about it. And no one, not even the Pope, can presume to tell me to feel otherwise. I enjoy my erotic feelings. I enjoy them immensely, unequivocally, without shame, without hesitation, without guilt. And so can you. We can all learn how to develop our deepest, sweetest desires in ways that honor the feminine, in ways that respect the feelings of others, in ways that embolden the masculine principle without letting it slip into violence and dysfunction. We can all stop living in fear of the unknown, shackled by needless shame and ignorance, and reclaim our birthright to be erotically fearless, expressive, creative individuals, where pleasure is a need and a right, not a privilege or a luxury, where the erotic impulse can be honored and expressed in diverse ways, inside or outside the tightly wrought paradigm of marriage and family. We may deign to think, at some level, that a fear of sensuality and a fear of the erotic impulse, in the realm of Eros, is a necessary part of sexual experience. It is not. Not now. Not ever. We would do well to keep open the erotic gateway between the sensuous and romantic and the sensual and sexual, do well to honor the erotic impulse in our daily living, do well to let it provide us with a wonderful and wholesome feeling of fearlessness. It is our connection with Eros, with the pleasures of Eros, with the power it confers, that will embolden us to take up and keep up the quest for immortality in this life, in this world. Our lust for life, both physical and spiritual, are both integral to who we are as human beings. To shut down our most primal energy, to exploit it and subdue it, to suppress it and deny it, is to starve the crucial motivation we so desperately need today to seek out and secure new frontiers of knowledge and wisdom toward a credible prospect of immortality in this life, in this world.

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The road to resolution and healing is clear. We, individually and collectively, would do well to open the gateway of Eros, to build a secure bridge between the romantic and the sensual so that the erotic impulse can work its diverse magic. We can do so by first clearing the floodgates to the erotic imagination, letting it go where it may, taking us to places we may once have considered forbidden or bizarre, even perverse, and in so doing, release the pressure of conformity and convention so that initiations and expressions of the erotic impulse come from a place of choice rather than compulsion. When we are finally ready to act freely of our own accord with respect to Eros, we will then be ready to experience a transcendent mode of erotic experience in which the imagination of Eros is taken to heights unknown, through breathtaking vistas of expectation and pleasure.

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Four The Erotic Imagination

Creative erotic expression begins with an active erotic imagination ~ a key source of vitality in taking up the everlasting embrace. To clear a path to this source may require courage, but the resulting rewards in the realm of Eros are just too important to be missed ~ or dismissed. The erotic pleasures of sight and sound, of taste and smell, of touch too exquisite to describe in words, are all well within the grasp of anyone who longs for them, if only in the imagination. To clear a path to the fruits of that imagination, and to open the gates to creative erotic expression, requires skill and discipline, virtue and wisdom, all in a bid to claim the ultimate prize of erotic transcendence. She came to me in a dream, out of nowhere, and straddled my pelvis, her hair damp and disheveled, a bright flaming red frame for her milky white face, her luminescent green eyes filled with the presence of authority. As I lay beneath her, captivated by the shiny sweat on her heaving, voluminous breasts, she raised a hand to my cheek, and my eyes followed the movement of her sleek, razor-sharp fingernails, poised and ready for contact. She had taken ownership of my body, had taken full command of my senses, but in a moment of wonder, I felt no urge to protest. I would allow her to enjoy me in whatever way she desired. Is this the dream of a male submissive? Or could this scene also serve as a vehicle to illustrate some important distinctions? In our dreams and fantasies, in private works of art and reveries, we find the playgrounds of the erotic imagination. It is here that we can explore and test our erotic impulses in the privacy of our own minds, and it is here that we can feel safe from public scrutiny ~ the kind that would presume to subdue, suppress, denounce, condemn or forbid the products of our erotic imaginations. This scene could very well have been a dream or a reverie, a passive product of one man's yearning for submission to the power and beauty of feminine desire ~ or, it could have been an active

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result of one man's fantasy, creatively expressed in art, or merely entertained by his rich and fertile imagination. The challenges that men and women confront when they negotiate and establish peaceful relations can be daunting. Clearly, the erotic imagination can serve as a buffer for failure. Political and religious authorities through history have enacted draconian measures to suppress and deny many if not all forms of erotic behavior. Clearly, the erotic imagination can serve as a vehicle for healing. But the erotic imagination can do more than merely serve as a buffer to absorb failure, do more than merely serve as a way to heal emotional repression. Through the media of dream and reverie, of private art and fantasy, a moral, active erotic imagination can lead us along the path to erotic bliss with a simple formula: imagine, initiate, express and transcend. The task is twofold: (1) clear a path to the erotic imagination, and (2) break a new path to erotic transcendence. But in reaching to clear a path, or to break a new path, it is prudent to keep this in mind: skill is knowing how to do it, discipline is about making a concerted effort, virtue is about taking action to satisfy both truth and justice, and wisdom is knowing what to do next. .2. As I lay beneath her, she raised a hand to my cheek, and my eyes followed the movement of her sleek, razor-sharp fingernails, poised and ready to ... Poised and ready to do what? Tenderly caress my cheek? Gently scrape my cheek? Casually scratch my cheek? Within the realm of the erotic imagination, does it matter which scenario gets played out? The erotic charge associated with getting your cheek caressed will no doubt be milder than the one associated with getting your cheek scraped or scratched; the quality, intensity, and duration of these experiences will also be different. The symbolic content of an erotic dream or fantasy need not be equated with

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any literal intent to enact it. For example, a woman may get a charge out of scratching a man's cheek in a dream or fantasy, but in actuality enjoy giving his cheek a tender caress. In a dream, as a passive observer, all manner of erotic action and behavior can occur, but no moral judgment is possible because the power of consent remains absent. In a vivid dream, as a conscious observer, the power of consent prevails, and moral considerations apply. As a passive observer in a dream, the dreamer remains forever and always free of accountability. As a vivid dreamer in a dream, the dreamer's intentions may not be so benign. Any heinous act is possible in a vivid dream; in the heat of action, the vivid dreamer remains accountable for deplorable actions taken against another ~ if only to the dreamer. In self-defense, the vivid dreamer may properly act to destroy an opponent, but to initiate the use of force to subdue or destroy someone may serve to negatively affect the conscience of the vivid dreamer, even if that someone is imaginary. The same assessment would apply to the creator of a private fantasy. Of course, this analysis applies to the subject in isolation from others. In reality, people can do whatever they want in their dreams and fantasies. Any type of sexual perversion or brutal violence is possible. They may get an erotic charge out of engaging an animal's sexual organs, doing serious damage to themselves, killing someone in a pleasurable fit of rage, stroking and sniffing a piece of intimate apparel, torturing a sentient life form, handling the products of bodily elimination, carving up the body of a person or animal, masturbating in public, having sex in a church, performing fellatio or cunnilingus or sodomy in front of a dignitary, raping a man or being raped by a woman, sinking their teeth into the neck of an unsuspecting innocent, probing the intimate parts of a body with surgical probes, preparing a feast where the body of a woman is the main course, molesting young beautiful innocent children, tying someone up and hanging them by the wrists and ankles, putting a naked man into a pot of boiling water, branding a woman's breasts or buttocks, castrating a man for the sheer thrill of it. There are no limits to the irrepressible nature of Eros in an imagination battered by centuries of repression and suppressed daily by acts of censure. Clearly, we see the buffer in action; it is no wonder that the erotic impulse is viewed with such suspicion.

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The point here is not to shock and titillate, but to advise caution. Any thought harbored long enough and strongly enough will continue to attract its counterpart in reality, and find ways and means of expression in the least likely of places. It is true that the symbolic content of a dream or fantasy does not necessarily translate into any literal intent to enact it, but caution is nevertheless advised. The healing potential of the erotic impulse, on the other hand, reflects a lighter, brighter side of Eros. Clearing a path to the erotic imagination through acceptance and healing may sometimes require making a hard choice before entry into the warm, sunny playgrounds of Eros ~ bypassing malignant, depraved, horrific aspects of a brutally repressed and twisted erotic imagination in favor of cultivating an active, moral awareness of the benign, wholesome, delightful aspects of erotic initiation and expression. .3. Before you can know how to break a path to erotic transcendence, you must know how you like to play the games that Eros plays. typically favor one role over the others. Practitioners on the frontiers of Eros are fearless in their capacity for taking risks, for pushing the boundaries of what is or is not considered socially acceptable or tolerable from an erotic point of view. They themselves are not afraid of testing their personal boundaries with their dreams and fantasies, their works of art and reveries, even if that means straddling the threshold of their conscience. In the realm of Eros, participators are eager to test their erotic skills and demonstrate their erotic prowess within a clearly proscribed set of limits, defined either in social terms or personal terms. They might, for example, diligently follow a planned sequence of events that involve creating a mood for sensuous enjoyment in a romantic setting as a prelude to an erotic encounter. On the borders of Eros, cultivators are content to look in from the outside to see what holds their interest, to experience vicariously what does interest them, and then become a participator or a practitioner within the scope of their interests when or if they feel Are you a practitioner of Eros? A participator? Or merely a cultivator? Of course, we can be all three, but most people

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comfortable doing so. The path to erotic transcendence will look and feel different depending on whether you choose to be a practitioner, participator or cultivator. The best practitioners on the frontiers of Eros have the knowledge, awareness and experience of a participator and a cultivator. They know the difference between role and real, between being a subject of indulgence and an object of performance. Their modus operandi is to sanctify the body through playful and creative exploration, and through subtle, elaborate even flamboyant displays of erotic prowess. They possess an uncanny sense of where they can push through established social boundaries without violating the norms of propriety, but remain keen to test even those norms when they feel the time is right. The best participators in the realm of Eros can only claim the knowledge and awareness of a practitioner, but have the knowledge, awareness and experience of a cultivator. They know what they like, and are very particular about what they like and do not like. They are not comfortable with those erotic impulses that seek to act in ways that take them beyond their capacity to trust another. They are not comfortable with novel forms of erotic experience that are too different from what they are accustomed to having. Their modus operandi is to sanctify the body through a reliable and justifiable sequence of events that culminate in a safe and secure sharing of erotic experience ~ a tender kiss or a sweet caress in a romantic setting full of sensuous delight, for example. The best cultivators have, at the very least, the knowledge and awareness (but not necessarily the experience) of both a practitioner and participator. Seasoned cultivators may have once been participators or practitioners (or both), but beginners in cultivation are relatively new to the domain of Eros. Where serious practitioners and participators are avid players in the realm of Eros, beginners in cultivation are merely students of this realm. Their modus operandi is to sanctify the body in the erotic imagination, through dream or fantasy, through a work of art or in reverie.

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If you decide not to be a practitioner, participator or cultivator, then you remain a child of Eros, an innocent frightened of the dangers that lurk in the shadows of erotic ignorance and confusion. Or perhaps you have been burned by Eros, and have let yourself become a weary or reluctant observer in need of resolution or healing. .4. The erotic imagination, if properly nurtured, can serve to sanctify the body through gentle initiations and creative expression. A thoughtful cultivator, through new knowledge and fresh awareness of erotic possibility, can relish past erotic experience, or begin a novel quest for erotic transcendence. A serious participator, through knowledge, awareness and experience, can hone skills, enhance discipline, cultivate virtue, and develop wisdom on matters of the heart where the erotic impulse is concerned. A skilled and creative practitioner, through knowledge and awareness, through experience and practice, can do all that a cultivator and participator can do, and then some, in their never-ending quest for broader, deeper, more refined repertoires in their role-playing and boundary-breaking. For the cultivator, there are no limits to what the erotic imagination can provide when there are no significant others to interfere with the cultivation process. In the erotic imagination, the cultivator can assume either the role of participator or practitioner, and rehearse and explore the possibilities appropriate to each. The cultivator has enormous freedom on the playgrounds of the erotic imagination. Through dreams (passive or vivid), fantasies and reveries (passive or active), or works of art (to observe or create), the cultivator can enter any of these at will and fulfill the potential of all in tandem with each other. Cultivators are in a unique position to inform the world of their visions, either as veterans of the erotic dance, or as innocents preparing to take their first baby steps into the world of Eros. For the participator, the erotic imagination provides a platform to rehearse a reliable sequence of desired events on the way to an erotic encounter, a sensual experience, or a benign sexual conquest. The erotic imagination can provide participators with a safe way

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to examine erotic positions or postures not before considered, to give participators a way to test erotic possibilities that fall outside the scope of their interests. Within the boundaries of their beloved sequences, participators can develop and refine novel scenarios in the erotic imagination that build upon what they already know and love. Through the artistic media and through creative expression, they can inform others of their sensuous and romantic preferences: for particular places or settings, for certain sights and sounds or smells, for a particular taste or touch. For the practitioner, the erotic imagination provides a broad canvas from which to explore, and experiment with, the erotic impulse in all of its communicative diversity and complexity. As skilled actors, they can slip into any role situation with relative ease to explore the subtleties of discipline and passivity, to straddle the threshold between pain and pleasure, to test the delicate boundaries of trust and innocence, to experiment with the dynamics of dominance and submission. Through dramatic physical and verbal exchange, and through elaborate displays of erotic prowess, both subtle and obvious, they push back the boundaries of what is possible and desirable, and break fresh ground to what is conceivable in the realm of Eros. They are bemused by the trepidation of participators, but have learned to tolerate, even respect their points of view. .5. To reiterate, where the everlasting embrace is spiritual, the erotic impulse is visceral. The erotic impulse puts you in touch with the core of your vitality by giving you opportunities to sanctify the body. The spiritual and erotic domains are two realms that best operate in tandem ~ they are not separate, dichotomous domains of experience. Cultivators will use their wisdom and experience ~ or their trust, innocence and wonder ~ to infuse the events and activities of their erotic imaginations with spiritual significance; participators will soulfully elaborate their beloved sequences with novel attitudes, behavior and activities from their erotic imaginations; and creative practitioners will enter their imaginations to add a spiritual dimension to their repertoires to enhance their erotic possibilities and to further develop their communicative prowess.

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A fertile erotic imagination, whether from the perspective of a cultivator, a participator or a practitioner, attracts the most interesting erotic initiations, leading to the most vital artistic, creative expression. To spiritually embrace the erotic impulse is to embrace the endless potential of the erotic imagination. In giving the erotic imagination the respect it deserves, the way is clear to break a path to erotic transcendence, but it is vitally important to recognize and realize the interdependent nature of cultivation, participation and practice. Without cultivation, there would be no style or substance. Without participation, there would be no security or stability. Without practice, there would be no novelty or diversity. Each feeds upon the other; each nourishes the other. All of them, together, provide a blueprint for human erotic potential, and make attempts at exploiting or suppressing the erotic impulse that much more difficult. So far, little has been said about the substance of erotic transcendence. To be sure, it has something, perhaps everything, to do with need and possession, with desire and attachment. Up to now, we have seen how the erotic impulse relates to something called the everlasting embrace; how the erotic impulse manifests itself in relationship; how the erotic impulse can be problematic in the dance of the genders; how the erotic impulse has been brutally exploited and suppressed throughout much of human history; how the erotic impulse can be cultivated in the erotic imagination. But in a world that grows increasingly fearful and filled with mistrust, what chance does erotic initiation have? How is erotic initiation even possible in a world gripped by an exaggerated sense of propriety without falling back into the imagination? The answers lie not only in cultivating trust, innocence and wonder, but in taking control of your destiny once and for all.

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Five Erotic Initiations

I saw her, and felt astonished, slow to gather impressions into a complete picture. She stood erect in shimmering fabrics, in a kaleidoscope of vibrant colors, and raised her arms in a gesture of grandeur as she did a slow pirouette. Spellbound by her presence, I saw her in a way not unlike an innocent male child transfixed by the sight of a naked woman for the first time. She came to me, touched me lightly on my cheek, sending an avalanche of goose bumps down my back and along my arms. A fertile erotic imagination attracts the most interesting erotic initiations. No matter how extensive our understanding of the erotic impulse may be, no matter our appreciation of the difficulties that raise barriers between men and women, no matter our awareness of the history of erotic denial and suppression ~ if we lack an active erotic imagination, we are lost from the start in our attempts at attracting erotic encounters that please us and thrill us to the core of our beings. When we meet someone for the first time, in person, we usually know within a matter of seconds or minutes whether erotic compatibility is (or will be) an issue that requires resolution. Erotic attraction is bound by the way we look, in the way we smell, in the way we walk and the way we talk, in the way we carry and conduct ourselves. Some ways are particularly effective at igniting deep erotic arousal. Others are not. In a lasting relationship, some of these ways may not matter as much as they would if we were meeting someone for the first time. Owing to the mercurial nature of Eros, erotic initiations typically arise unbidden, without conscious intent. To fully appreciate the novelty of an erotic experience waiting to happen, to be curious to the element of surprise, we must remain open to opportunity, to breaking with routine and expectation, to letting go of inhibitions when or if that is safe and appropriate, while understanding that our capacity for deep erotic arousal interacts

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with the central challenges and concerns of our daily lives. All of this provokes a fear of the unknown and tests our resolve even in the most benign situations and circumstances. We attempt to make light of Eros for this reason. In reducing Eros to a trivial concern, we quell the anxiety of meeting with the unknown. But we do so at the price of missed opportunities and tantalizing possibilities. In reducing the erotic impulse to a trifle, we think we protect ourselves against the emotional consequences of engaging Eros in the endless pursuit of bodily stimulation and ego gratification. It is true that we feel especially alive when someone awakens the erotic impulse within us, but our vivid and primal fear that it will lead us into depths of darkness unknown is not inconsiderable. We want to feel spontaneous and make contact, and yet we hold back. We want to test the waters with someone we have just met, and yet we balk at the consequences of becoming too involved. We appreciate the pleasure, we understand where the erotic impulse can take us, but we exercise caution lest we fall into a state of confusion or dissolution. In choosing a partner with whom we feel comfortable and compatible, we take away much of the uncertainty that surrounds meeting someone for the first time. If both partners feel free to explore their erotic wellsprings, then erotic initiation can be treated like the gift of life that it is ~ they open like spring flowers to the many varieties of basic erotic expression: a steady gaze, a gentle movement, a bold presence, a delicate touch, a sweet caress, a bare whisper, a warm breath, a tender kiss. expectation of novelty and surprise. Of course, erotic emergence will be different for different people. For novice cultivators, actual experience with the erotic impulse will feel especially intense and vivid, almost surreal in its power to compel desire. A particular person ~ a seasoned cultivator or fellow explorer ~ or a particular object, place, setting or atmosphere may leave a deep and lasting impression in the minds of those who had dared to cross the threshold from mere cultivation to participation. From a place of trust, innocence and wonder, novice Physical and verbal communications blossom inside the everlasting embrace of quietude, pregnant with the

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cultivators can most easily invest their erotic encounters with emotional and spiritual significance. For romantic participators, erotic initiations take the form of seeking novel forms of erotic activity and expression. They learn to stage unique erotic encounters for their partner's benefit; create novel settings to facilitate erotic interaction; introduce new activities to intensify the erotic experience; erotically charge objects and incorporate them into foreplay; experiment with the order in which they bring forward the basic acts of erotic expression. In doing so, they can also elaborate soulfully on their romantic routines. The challenge of erotic initiation is limited only by the erotic imaginations of those who participate. For serious, creative practitioners, erotic initiations are taken to higher levels of complexity and diversity. They learn to invent new rituals for the benefit of their partners; enact novel dramas of subtle domination and submission; develop unique roles to explore the boundaries of trust and innocence; foster unusual modes of activity and behavior to test the limits of custom and propriety. They enhance their dramatic performances through subtle and inspired communications, stretch their communicative prowess from within a spiritual dimension, and refine their repertoires with a greater range of erotic possibilities. The path to erotic transcendence is a relatively easy matter for cultivators with little or no experience in handling the erotic impulse ~ no complications, no messy encounters, no unusual surprises. In their erotic imaginations, in their dreams and fantasies, in their works of art and reveries, encounters with Eros can be clean, easy and direct. The challenge of transcending elements that complicate erotic encounters in the wake of sexual interaction ~ the obsessive, compulsive, passive, aggressive, regressive, possessive elements ~ may stay absent from the minds of those who remain content to cultivate the erotic impulse in their imaginations. For participators and practitioners, however, the path to erotic transcendence brings real challenges and may not be such an easy matter.

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The classic erotic equation, where attraction plus obstacles equals excitement is neatly allied with how good we feel about ourselves: attraction binds to our sense of personal worth, obstacles connect to our experience of competence, and our feelings of excitement relate to our sense of confidence in the outcome. For a woman who prides herself on her health, beauty and fitness (physical, emotional and/or spiritual), her capacity to attract follows naturally. For a man who takes pride in his abilities, intelligence, resources, status and connections, his ability to attract also follows naturally. These qualities provide a natural foundation for the exchange of initial impressions and for initiators to express their erotic impulses. A woman may take pride in her abilities or intelligence, but will only bring them to an erotic encounter if she feels they will enhance the attraction. Likewise, a man may take pride in his beauty, but place that quality into the erotic equation only if he feels it will serve his aim to attract. The obstacles to erotic connection and interaction are legion: internal or external, conscious or unconscious, physical or mental, emotional or spiritual, situational or circumstantial, personal or social, geographic or idiosyncratic. There is no end to obstacles, no end to the number of ways in which people can thwart the erotic impulse. Thus, the ability of two people to circumvent or overcome a barrier to Eros is a testament to the strength of their mutual attraction. The risks they take, the struggles they face, the conflicts they negotiate, all figure prominently in a bid to keep alive their shared excitement and confidence in a desirable outcome. For them, the initiation into a transcendent erotic experience is worth the risk and the effort, and the pain of uncertainty. Without awareness and cultivation, however, individuals can feel themselves at the mercy of their erotic impulses. But when two people have taken the time to learn how to invest their respective erotic impulses with emotional and spiritual significance, the results can be exquisite. The everlasting embrace is a concept that can support this investment and will be discussed at further length in Erotic Transcendence, the final essay in this series. The elements that complicate erotic encounters in the wake of sexual interaction will be a subject of the next essay, Creative Erotic Expression.

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Six Creative Erotic Expression

I lay beneath her, my heart pounding, my arms trembling, transfixed by her penetrating gaze. My Goddess had straddled my thighs, her hands pinning my shoulders against the soft thick colorful quilt, her face alive and pregnant with expectation. She had nothing to say, but said everything with her eyes. I felt powerless to resist her, yet strong enough to absorb the reality, truth and beauty of her commanding presence. The rising tension between the infancy of my awareness and the maturity of my cultivation rose to an unbearably exquisite pitch. She released her grip and smiled surreptitiously, knowing that she could easily have forced me into a state of perpetual and submissive dependency. The search for power is integral to the erotic experience. The power to affect someone deeply differs in kind and quality from the power to dominate someone in the erotic encounter. Neither is necessarily better than the other, but they do each come with their own unspoken rules. In the example above, my surrender to the experience is part of a peak encounter. In my submission, I feel valued and desired, and it appears that I am getting most of the attention. By providing my heartfelt permission, I feel in control and somewhat in charge of the encounter. I give up responsibility for what happens. Paradoxically, there is power in not having any apparent power. The search for power becomes especially pronounced in the primordial erotic dance between seducer and seducee. The seducee claims the power of holding back, either as a ploy or through genuine reluctance. The seducer takes hold of the reins of power to employ a variety of techniques to ignite or draw forth the erotic impulse in the seducee. The possibilities offered by the seducer interacts with the reticence of the seducee to provide a prime demonstration of the classic erotic equation. When carried forward with integrity and style, the erotic dance can lead to some of the most interesting examples of creative erotic expression.

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Seducees, however, may feel ambivalent about taking up the dance.

A degree of

uncertainty may surround the outcome of an erotic encounter: will I be hurt, will I be misunderstood, rejected, abandoned? In their formative years as children or adolescents, many have felt the sting of misunderstanding, rejection or betrayal, even abandonment. Rather than remaining open to the warmth and security they crave, they instead feel anxious, alienated, ambivalent. In taking their emotional baggage to the erotic dance, seducees pose a greater challenge for the seducers. The same holds true for partners in relationships that have endured. both partners. One effective way to overcome erotic ambivalence is to become a cultivator of Eros. Cultivators, as we have seen, are keen to explore the erotic imagination in all of its complexity and variety. By having quick and direct access to the realm of Eros through art, film and literature, they are able to position themselves to acquire and experience the competence they need to respond to, even initiate, an erotic advance. For cultivators, explorations of Eros through the imagination provide an enjoyable, pleasurable respite from the demands of daily living. In their excursions into the products of creative erotic expression, they are free to explore feelings of ambivalence ~ their own or others (real or imagined). In coming to terms with ambivalence, cultivators also gain insight into the more passive, aggressive elements that complicate erotic encounters in the wake of sensual and sexual interaction. They learn how unresolved feelings of frustration and hostility from day to day living can become amplified by sensual and sexual interaction, making any subsequent attempts at creative erotic expression seem feeble at best. They learn how a challenge to transcend the passive, aggressive elements can be met with relative ease and comfort ~ and learn that submissive need not mean passive, and that assertive need not mean aggressive. Reluctance on one side can spur the other, more adventurous side to find opportunities for creative erotic expression that will appeal to

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Romantic participators quickly learn the difference between assertive and aggressive behavior. In the domain of Eros, they rise and operate at another level of erotic experience. If they are fortunate to have resolved issues of ambivalence, they are faced with yet another challenge in the erotic power dance: longing in the absence of a beloved ~ and the related anticipation of a reunion. As creators, they manage these issues through the artistic process by actively and vicariously exploring the obsessive, compulsive elements that can be so much a part of anticipation and longing. In sharing the results or products of their creative erotic expression, they support the process of cultivation. In coming to terms with unrequited love, would-be participators gain first-hand experience with how easily the obsessive, compulsive elements can generate guilt or shame and adversely affect their sense of personal worth. In coming to terms with a betrayal in love, jilted participators gain experience with the obsessive, compulsive elements when they avenge their feelings of betrayal. In coming to terms with misunderstanding and rejection, offended participators in a secure relationship acquire first-hand knowledge of how quickly and easily obsessive, compulsive elements can take over their behavior. In all of these scenarios, the search for power comes more from a place of need than desire. resolution. The brighter, positive side of longing and anticipation can also be the subject of creative erotic expression ~ especially, but not only, when the former is mutual and the latter is cultivated in sensible measure. Limerence can provide endless hours of wistful enjoyment for lovers separated by obligation or circumstance. The possibilities for creative erotic expression can play on the romantic tensions between yearning and the anticipation of fulfillment, where even the barest hints of satisfaction can be enough to fan the flames of erotic desire. Erotic encounters fueled by longing have a tendency to be particularly exciting and memorable, and can go a long way toward affirming the personal worth of those who participate. Seasoned participators in the erotic dance keep anticipation alive by retaining their individuality ~ through time apart or vigorous As creators, participators in the romantic quest have opportunities to put the spotlight on these dreadful situations in a quest for healing and

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disagreement, for example ~ and by refusing to take each other for granted in the exchange of gifts. In serious practitioners, we see a more liberal, less conservative exchange of power in dramatic performance, both in private and public. At this level of interaction, the products of creative erotic expression become enjoyable for their potential to test boundaries and violate prohibitions. In the excitement of pushing the limits of erotic experience, practitioners develop confidence in their capacities to express themselves and communicate desire. In tapping into their fears, doubts and anxieties, they also learn to confront the regressive, possessive elements of erotic experience in the wake of sensual, sexual interaction. Every society in the world places limits and restrictions on sexual behavior in the public domain. These prohibitions may be designed to protect the ideals of a community, but people also use them to intensify their level of arousal in erotic encounters. This effect may also arise when regulating mentalities make attempts to suppress the natural yearnings of childhood and adolescent sexuality. Those who grow up in a milieu where creative erotic expression is discouraged by all manner of regulations at every turn are likely to discover the erotic potential in violating them. Thus, their experiences of arousal in reality or fantasy typically become associated with feeling naughty or dirty or guilty. From doubt, in their fear of punishment, from anxiety over what is proper, they may find their power and passion in crossing those barriers that would deny them their natural erotic potential for pleasure. The regressive, possessive elements of erotic experience in the wake of sensual, sexual interaction begin to make sense. Of course, serious practitioners need not cheat on their partners or take serious risks with their lives or reputations to enjoy feeling naughty. The positive side of exploring regression and possession can occur safely in playing creative, dramatic roles in private or public erotic encounters. In the example at the beginning of this essay, a boundary of trust is tested in fantasy when I choose to surrender to the domination of a Goddess. A prohibition is violated when, as an adult male, I submit like a child of innocence to a

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divine feminine power.

In taking the assertive and dominant position in erotic

encounters, some women have gained a renewed sense of confidence in their abilities to assert and express themselves. The products of erotic expression that arise, both in reality and fantasy, from the creativity of its writers and performers serve to diversify the repertoires of practitioners everywhere. I wish now to conclude this essay with a divinely feminine perspective. If truth be told, Sophia stands poised and ready at the edge of the world, ready to take your hand and lead you into the unknown depths of Eros. But like little children who covet their safety and security, many of us decline her invitation to explore the frontiers of Eros. Instead, we hold back and hide from ourselves, from our erotic possibilities and vulnerabilities, lashing out at anyone who would dare to threaten to expose the hidden reality of who we are, of what we would find pleasurable and desirable in the realm of Eros if only we had the courage to proceed and partake. Sophia would encourage you to explore the world of Eros in your own way, to test the boundaries of your own erotic domain, and not be afraid of sharing the fruits of your discovery if that is what you want to do.

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Seven Erotic Transcendence

This is not quite what I had imagined. I saw her sitting on the edge of the bed and felt her gaze upon me. She was new to me, a friend of a friend. The room was bright and spacious, tastefully furnished, and the country air smelled fresh from cool summer breezes that wafted through a small window nearby. This was my first time. I had read much about intimate encounters, had seen much that indicated that the erotic experience was like no other. For my sixteenth birthday, my mother had arranged for a friend to set me up with Sophia for the evening. I saw her and felt a hunger in my throat, and felt selfconscious about my arms and legs. My arms trembled and my legs felt weak with desire. She raised her hand and beckoned. I took a deep breath and released it amidst a frantic swirl of butterflies inside my torso. I began shaking uncontrollably. The power and beauty of the feminine spirit runs deep. A cultivated young man with a strong sense of values, and a rich imagination, can appreciate this fact. In the beginning, he may appear passive, and may appear reluctant to relinquish his sense of comfort and security, but the erotic awakening will soon compel him to be active, assertive, aggressive ~ active so that he can be assertive, assertive so that he can be aggressive, aggressive so that he can be sure about what it means to be active and assertive from a uniquely masculine perspective ~ and to at least sense what it means to be passive and submissive from a feminine perspective. In time, he will learn that mindless passivity and aggression are failures of assertion, especially in the domain of Eros. Two years have passed since that day I failed to make good on my intention to enjoy my first erotic experience. She sat in the same spot on the bed as before, in the same room, but this time she smiled at me. On my eighteenth birthday, my mother had once again arranged for the same friend to set me up with Sophia for the evening. After my failure, my mother had assured me that we could try again, and over the past two years, I yearned for another evening with Sophia, almost to the point of obsession. I had no idea

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where she lived, had no way to contact her, and yet I knew that my chances were fair that I would get another chance ~ and so I saved myself for her. In the meantime, in my imagination, it helped that I could map out a multitude of possible scenarios in preparation for this evening. I stood before her now, and trembled only a little. I felt a deep sense of anticipation for what I thought would be the time of my life, and finally felt ready and willing to meet her halfway. She raised her hand and beckoned. A state of longing in the realm of Eros is a unique pleasure, and can be cultivated in the erotic imagination with anyone at any time. Longing can remind us of the importance of separation; absence really does make the heart grow fonder. The obsessive quality of longing can be kept at bay with genuinely shameless acts of vicarious satisfaction, either in the erotic imagination or through creative erotic expression, created or observed. A sense of anticipation in the realm of Eros is another unique pleasure, and can also be cultivated in the erotic imagination ~ but with this difference: an expectation of fulfillment more clearly and urgently informs and directs the erotic imagination to prepare for that fulfillment. The compulsive quality of anticipation can be kept at bay with regular, guiltless acts of satisfaction through scenario planning in art, fantasy, reverie or vivid dreams. I went to her and took her outstretched hands. Rising gracefully from the edge of the bed, she stood before me and held me captive with her gaze. Her fingertips traveled up the length of my arms and I felt her breasts touch me, her silken robe grazing my bare chest. The bulge in my cotton flannel pants expanded and grew more noticeable until I felt a sudden impulse to grab her arms and throw her onto the bed. Instead, I elected to watch the impulse rise and then fall away. Moving closer, she embraced me lightly and I surrendered myself to the experience. We stood inside the embrace for what seemed like an eternity. I noticed that I did not tremble. The aggressive impulse to possess and dominate is integral to male experience. A cultivated young man with a strong sense of discipline, and a keen awareness, can appreciate this fact. Rather than allowing himself to regress to using force to get what he

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thinks he needs or wants, he mentally stands back and observes wayward impulses with a balance of interest and detachment. He has trained his mind to back away and to observe, to be a mere witness to his persistent, recurring urge to conquer. In giving up a claim to possess what does not belong to him, he finds renewed interest in the pleasures of surrender and submission ~ especially with a cultivated, intelligent woman of virtue in the realm of Eros. Three years have passed since that day I made good on my intention to enjoy my first erotic experience. It did not go as I had expected or imagined, and did not last as long as I thought it would, but it was a success as far as I was concerned. She now sat in the same spot on the bed as before, in the same room, her robe gathered around her waist, but this time she let me watch her as she caressed her bare breasts. For my twenty-first birthday, my mother had agreed to set me up with Sophia for another evening of pleasure. On the advice of an illustrious author and connoisseur of Eros, and in spite of having several warm and wonderful female companions, I had chosen to remain chaste in the interim so that I could more fully prepare the breadth and depth of my erotic wellspring for a sexual encounter with Sophia. This time, I approached her with confidence and she raised her hands to greet me with a smile. What exactly is erotic transcendence? Is it something that we can achieve now (near the beginning of the third millennium) or must it wait for a better future? And how exactly does erotic transcendence relate to the everlasting embrace? The notion of transcendence has multiple meanings, but most of them have no relevance to the everlasting embrace. By transcendence, I do not mean the theological notion of existence apart from the material universe, nor do I mean the philosophical notion of moving beyond the limits of possible experience, nor do I mean the notion of going beyond human knowledge. The erotic impulse originates from within the spirit and flesh. It is as much a part of the material universe as the eyes, lips and fingertips. The erotic impulse stays within the limits of possible experience, or else we would not know it well enough to understand and appreciate it in all of its diverse manifestations, and therefore remains within the

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scope of human knowledge. In my view, transcendence simply means an extraordinary event that fulfills an opportunity to excel or surpass. This simple definition would imply that we could express the erotic impulse in ways that are better or superior under certain circumstances, in particular situations, under certain conditions. I dropped my terry cloth robe and knelt before her, my buttocks resting on my heels, gazing up into her eyes, filled with the feeling of worship. She parted her silk robe and spread her legs. The citric fragrance emanating from the core of her being was subtle, not overpowering. She guided my hands along her thighs and then let go. I caressed her legs and calves unhurriedly, alternating my gaze from eyes to breasts to thighs and then back to her half-closed, appreciative eyes. She took hold of my hands, squeezed them, released them, and then slid her fingers around my neck and through my hair, gently grasping my head. I rose from my heels, still kneeling, and found my face inside her breasts. I put my arms around her and closed my eyes, feeling grateful. The ways in which we can express the erotic impulse to attain higher levels of excellence in our activities and behavior is the subject of erotic transcendence. Although the means to do so may not yet exist, it is nevertheless instructive to explore them in advance. But what does erotic transcendence have to do with the everlasting embrace? In concrete terms, we see the sculptor's vision of two lovers locked in the everlasting embrace as a culmination of shared experience. From the vantage points of cultivation, participation and performance, we can at least imagine the kind of activity and behavior that comes before the embrace. She forever ran her fingers up and down my back, and nuzzled the crown of my head with her chin. I took a deep breath and released it with an audible sigh of pleasure, rested my buttocks on my heals once more, and closed my eyes after staring at my knees. I meditated on my breath and lost track of time. When I opened my eyes, she was gone. I smiled ~ knowing that she would return ~ and closed my eyes to hear the crickets sing on this warm summer twilight evening. Her return brought an assortment of paraphernalia. Before I could know what was what, I was on my back on the bed, fully exposed and

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gagged, my wrists and ankles bound to the bedposts. I watched her as she prepared her routine, dressing herself in black leather, cosmetically altering her face to give the impression of danger. I willed myself to relax and followed her approach. Her smiling eyes sparkled devilishly as she twirled a long red feather in one hand and casually waved an ice pick in the other. Up to now, we have seen that the erotic impulse can put you in touch with the core of your vitality by giving you an opportunity to sanctify the body; that a man can let a woman put him at her tender mercy when she asserts her erotic power; that the brutal suppression of erotic feeling can be a form of denial that leads to frustration, undermines relationship, damages health and eliminates well-being; that the erotic imagination, if properly nurtured, can serve to sanctify the body through gentle initiations and creative expression; that erotic initiations, owing to the mercurial nature of Eros, can typically arise unbidden, without conscious intent; that the joy of creative erotic expression can be summoned from more than one perspective. practice. I lay beneath her, my heart thumping, my body trembling, transfixed by her penetrating gaze. Sophia straddled my thighs, her face alive and pregnant with expectation. She had nothing to say, but said everything with her eyes. I felt powerless to resist her, yet strong enough to absorb the reality, truth and beauty of her commanding presence. She tickled my neck with the tip of her feather and I pulled uselessly against my restraints, squeezing tears of pleasure from my eyes. When she passed the tip of her ice pick across my jugular, I felt goose bumps travel up my back. And then she placed her feather and ice pick into her breast pockets and pulled out a scarf. As a male with a heterosexual orientation, I feel naturally drawn to the feminine aspect and its divine feminine principle. In trying to place the erotic impulse in a transcendent context through a vision of the everlasting embrace, this principle provides indispensable fuel for the quest. In the mythos of Sophia, I have chosen a personification of the divine The understanding, appreciation and experience of erotic transcendence can all benefit from diligent study, participation and

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feminine principle that will assist me in that quest. In giving myself the name Sophianic, I embrace her personification from a place of reverence, fully aware that her significance becomes ever more apparent to me as I develop my vision of erotic transcendence before the everlasting embrace. She coddled the scarf for long moments and watched my eyes for a reaction. My heart was pounding furiously. She stretched the scarf to its full length and held it above my face with one hand, the bottom of it swaying above and across my nose and eyes. With her free hand, she undid my gag and tossed it aside. I left my mouth open, as if in protest, but said nothing. She took the scarf in both hands and wrapped it lovingly around my genitalia, already throbbing mercilessly with tender pleasure. The rush of my fluidic essence pulsated. I squeezed my eyes shut and heard my vocal cords leave behind a tortured trail of high-pitched sound, so unbearably exquisite was my orgasmic release. When I opened my eyes, her body was leaning forward, reaching past my shoulders. She released my hands and slid her arms around my back, where she took me, cheek to cheek, into the everlasting embrace. Sophianic is willing to follow his erotic muse, to follow her with eyes open, with an attitude of trust, innocence and wonder. He is willing to explore the world of Eros with Sophia as his guide, partaking of pleasures too exquisite to describe in words. He is willing to serve as an outlet for Eros, the erotic life force, to let Eros carry him forward to places he has never seen or experienced before. He is willing to see, hear, smell, touch and taste the fruits of his erotic imagination, with Sophia by his side. He is willing to engage the sacred feminine aspect of Sophia even as he asserts the masculine desires of Eros. He is willing to plumb the depths of his erotic wellspring of pleasure and desire, to give Eros a place and a voice. He is willing to follow Sophia into the realm of Eros for no other reason than to satisfy his immense curiosity about what lives and lies there.

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