Edwin By Adam Grant

COLD OPEN INT. OFFICE BUILDING MENS WASHROOM - DAY EDWIN, an awkward looking 30 year old, is standing in a garbage can behind a stall. He holds a SCREENPLAY in his hands. Edwin wears a flashy short sleeved button up shirt (flames, anime, normally both), a black fedora, cargo shorts and socks with sandals. He is totally silent, and we can hear the sound of DRIPPING WATER reverberating off the cold tile walls. He exhales wearily and looks down at his watch, then back up at the opposite wall. He sees himself standing in a garbage can in one of the mirrors hung above a sink. He starts to talk to himself. EDWIN Hi, my names Edwin. I know what youre thinking. Its a really bad idea to start an episode with a voice over. You always want to start on action. (deliberate pause, water drips) But the question is probably burning you up, so I just gotta answer it. Why is this guy standing in a garbage can? Well, Im waiting to hand a script to a very important Hollywood writers agent. Im technically not allowed in this building anymore, but...(whispered) oh shit here he comes. An AGENT in office work clothes enters the bathroom with an extra large cup of coffee in his hand. AGENT Edwin? The agent gets down on his knees and checks beneath the stalls to make sure nobody is hiding inside them. He takes note of the garbage can but is satisfied that nobody is standing behind it. AGENT If theres any roofies in that coffee you left for me, Id like you to know its a felony.

(CONTINUED)

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2.

The agent rises, and is convinced that hes alone. He walks over towards the sink across from Edwins hiding spot behind the stalls to dump the coffee. He looks up into the mirror and is shocked by the appearance of Edwin behind him. He spins in shock and spills coffee everywhere. AGENT Jesus fucking Christ! The Agent launches a verbal assault on Edwin, and Edwin starts his pitch. Loud, obnoxious dubstep music plays and the credits roll. Edwin tries to get out of the garbage can and the agent pushes back against him. EDWIN Listen I really got a good feeling about this oneAGENT No Edwin you stay in the fucking garbage! You stay in there! EDWIN Its a high value... its a high concept... concept. Idea! Its a high concept idea! AGENT I dont give a fuck! Wait here while I call security! EDWIN Shit! Edwin and the garbage can hes in both tip over and fall to the floor. The script spills all over the place, and we take a look at the title page. "Harry Potter and the Navi Prince". The agent flees in horror and, after picking himself up, Edwin follows. EDWIN Its a very marketable script, and, I know that script writing is a sales job, which is why Ive dressed up today. Edwin emerges into the hallway of the office building. Two security GUARDS approach, and they are both in terrible shape. The one in front is speed-eating an energy bar. EDWIN Oh shit!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: GUARD #1 Im gonna kick your ass!

3.

A very slow foot race ensues. Edwin comes to a door labled "stairs" and has to make an extremely difficult decision about whether or not hes prepared to do this. The guards draw nearer. Edwin flees into the stairway. They go down a single flight before slowing down. Theyre going so slow that people from the office are entering the stairwell and walking past them. GUARD #2 Stop eating that fucking candy bar! You cant even breathe! GUARD #1 Its not a candy bar! They "burst" out onto the street. Edwin power walks with all his might onto a patiently waiting bus. The exhausted guards scour their pockets for change but are left behind as the bus departs. The music and the credits stop. ACT 1 INT./EXT. PUBLIC TRANSIT BUS - DAY Edwin is now sitting on the bus, catching his breath. He checks his watch and frowns at the time. He sits nearby Allen, a quirky black man in his mid twenties. EDWIN Hey Allen. ALLEN Hey Edwin. You look blue, homie. EDWIN Yeah, I am. ALLEN How about you let me sell you a little pick-me-up? Allen pulls out a DIMEBAG containing a wet piece of bread covered entirely with blue-green mold. EDWIN (pause) That looks pretty good.

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ALLEN This heres a real primo dimebag. You want it? EDWIN Ok. Edwin pulls out a ten dollar bill and buys the moldy bread from Allen. He opens up the little bag and smells it while Allen looks on with a funny expression. EDWIN Wow, this smells dank ALLEN Yeah its pretty dank alright. EDWIN I bet Ill get all fucked up on this. ALLEN Probably! (pause) So where you going? EDWIN Im going to a big meeting. Lots of important agents are gonna bid on a script Ive developed. Where are you going? ALLEN Oh, you know, here and there. Listen, I gotta tell you this because youre my boy. You smell like day old gravy. EDWIN Oh. ALLEN Dont worry though, I got you covered. Allen produces from a pocket a liquid cologne sample, the mouth of which is sealed by a heavy duty paper clip. He opens the sample and distributes a stingy few drops on Edwins fingers. Edwin rubs his hands all over himself. EDWIN Heh. Got a little bit of a work-out in this morning.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: ALLEN You should try deoderant. INT. FANCY HOLLYWOOD AGENCY FRONT ROOM - DAY

5.

Edwin is sitting down in a high-scale looking agency office, the kind with glass walls and lots of douchey looking agents running around talking into Bluetooths. A RECEPTIONIST and a blond haired, handsome, 23 year old young white male KOBE (rhyming with ROBE). Edwin is reading his screenplay, and we read with him. COLONEL MILES QUARITCH (written, sic) What are these meddelsome kids doing with the navi? SEVERUS SNAPE (written, sic) They are in league. These children are dangeous wizards and we need to team up to stop them or else they will teach the navi the dark arts. An action line on the screenplay reads, "COLONEL MILES QUARITCH drinks his COFFEE in a tight three quarter shot with a look of consternation on his stern face as he flies through the air. Now that the AVATARS were also WIZARDS, everything changed." Edwin breathes through his mouth as he reads. He then looks up and talks to Kobe from across the room. EDWIN You want to read my script? KOBE Is it really an Avatar and Harry Potter crossover? Thats not like a joke front page or something? EDWIN Yeah! KOBE No. EDWIN Why not? KOBE Because that movie will never be made.

(CONTINUED)

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EDWIN Are you kidding me? Im probably going to make six figures right here. Obviously they arranged this meeting to bid on my HP crossover script. Its just too marketable to pass up. Both very successful movies. In the industry we call that a high concept idea. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY Cut to Edwin sitting at the head of a conference table. He is flanked by four men sitting at the same table. TWIN #1 and TWIN #2 are both 20 something agents in sharp suits. BEARD AGENT is in his 40s and has a beard and glasses. OLD AGENT has slicked back silver hair and a tan and is in his late 50s. They are joined by an agent named BARRY on speaker phone. TWIN #1 Edwin, were not here to bid on your script. EDWIN But its a high concept idea! Old Agent smacks Edwin over the head with his own script. EDWIN Ow! OLD AGENT Heres a high concept idea for you, sweatpants; Todays the day were finally going to kill you. TWIN #1 Youve been warned to stay away, Edwin. OLD AGENT Were going to kill you with a cattle gun and get that fat body of yours in five pieces. Then were going to take you to a komodo dragon farm in Stockton. TWIN #2 Thats right.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: OLD AGENT Then were going to watch them eat you. EDWIN Yeah right. They exchange looks. The men look serious. TWIN #2 Oh, were not going to do it ourselves. TWIN #1 Weve hired someone to do it for us. What do you think all the trash bags are for? EDWIN Barry, help! BARRY (speaker phone) Say your prayers, Edwin. EDWIN Why do you guys want to kill me? What have I ever done to you? The men erupt in indignation. TWIN #1 Edwin, you interrupted my wedding to get me to read a live action Ducktales script. OLD AGENT You hid a half-eaten burrito in my office! BEARD AGENT You interrupted my sons bris- or should I say daughter now, thanks to you! BARRY (speaker phone) You keep ambushing me in the fuckin toilet! TWIN #2 Youre the master of the toilet ambush.

7.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: BEARD AGENT Do you think Francis Ford Coppola had to crawl into a bathroom stall with another man and beg him to read The Godfather? OLD AGENT I had to cancel all my monday appointments because of you and your burrito! The smell was terrible! I lost the guy who ended up selling the script to Battleship! You owe me twenty thousand dollars you little... burrito hiding goon! Ill hide a burrito up your ass after I fucking kill you! TWIN #1 You make our lives miserable and you need to die.

8.

A tense moment passes. Edwins life flashes before his eyes as he realizes he is about to die. EDWIN I know that we havent always seen eye to eye... but if we could all just calm down... step back... and... read, like, just the first 60 pages or so together... The tension dissolves into incredulity as the agents realize that Edwin is going to make them suffer through one final script pitch before he dies. Edwin struggles to gather and articulate his bad ideas, the sentences petering weakly off into mumbles. TWIN #1 Really? Think about this, Edwin. Are you really willing to bet your life on "Harry Potter and the Navi Prince?" EDWIN ...both very successful movies, and, the crossover appeal... BEARD AGENT I dont even need to read this script to know it sucks. How the hell would Harry Potter and Avatar even exist in the same universe?

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EDWIN ...an interdimensional rift that sucks in Harry, Ron and Hermione... and also Snape... OLD AGENT Youve hidden your last burrito, shitlord. Im going to enjoy watching you die. EDWIN ...and at first, they dont like each other, but as the story progresses... TWIN #2 You literally cant pitch a script to save your life. SECRETARY (intercom) Jamie, theres a Mr. Sergio here to see you. TWIN #1 Thats it, thats him. (to the intercom) Send him in. Thank fucking God. The men agree and share a moment of relief, happy that they never have to sit through another pitch from Edwin. EDWIN If you dont like the script, I have another one at home, if one of you could give me a ride. BEARD AGENT Save it for the devil, Edwin! TWIN #1 The only way youre getting out alive is if you promise to fuck off for good. TWIN #2 And you gotta sign... TWIN #1 Yeah, we have papers for you to sign, saying that youre gonna fuck off and never bother us again.

(CONTINUED)

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SERGIO enters the room, a professional looking man with naturally tan skin and black hair. OLD AGENT Sergio, good to see you! SERGIO Good morning, gentlemen. BEARD AGENT As you can plainly see, Sergio is a well trained, highly talented South American assassin... EDWIN Hey, dont I know you from somewhere? SERGIO I dont know what jou are talking about. EDWIN Wait a minute, arent you a waiter at the Olive Garden? SERGIO No, Im not. EDWIN Yeah! You sang happy birthday to me! And you yelled at me because I wouldnt put on the stupid birthday hat! TWIN #1 Hurry up and kill him, Sergio. Take out your gun and blow his head off. SERGIO I have no idea what jou are talking about. EDWIN What the fuck is it to you whether I put the hat on or not? Are you an Olive Garden shareholder or something? SERGIO We give you a free piece of cake, the least you can do is put on the fuckin hat, okay?

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EDWIN Im not a dancing monkey! I have dignity! SERGIO Youre wearing socks with sandals! You dont get to have dignity! TWIN #1 Hes supposed to be an actor. TWIN #2 He was supposed to scare you. OLD AGENT And we were supposed to take him to the Viper Room with us tonight, but since he fucked up I guess he can just stay home and fuck his little brother. SERGIO Aw come on guys, its not my fault! (to Edwin) You cost me big, fatty! Im going to wait for you in the parking lot and smash your head in with my make-up kit! TWIN #1 Take a walk! TWIN #2 Take a walk, Sergio! Sergio stalks out of the room, glaring at Edwin. Edwin is pleased to have sniffed that one out. EDWIN Ha ha, very funny guys. Seriously though I think hed be good to audition for a very interesting part in HPATNP... BEARD AGENT No! No! Shut up! Shut up! Stop talking! We dont want to read your screenplay! OLD AGENT We dont want to read any of your fucking screenplays!

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: TWIN #1 Time for plan B, boys. Looks like well be here a while.

12.

The men groan and quickly produce notes from folders on the tables in front of them. Man #3 flings himself to the ground at Edwins feet and begs tearfully. BEARD AGENT Please, Edwin. Dear God Edwin please just let the dream die. Just let it die! TWIN #1 Ok, let us break this down for you. Youre the worst writer Ive ever seen. You dont have a single clue about what people want to see at the movies and on TV. OLD AGENT Where the fuck do I start?! BARRY (speaker phone) You suck, Edwin. BEARD AGENT Let despair win! Just stop! Stop writing! TWIN #2 You cant spell. OLD AGENT Your vocabulary is terrible! Youre terrible with dialogue! All your characters sound like basement dwelling mutants! BEARD AGENT And you dont ever stop coming! TWIN #2 Youre a prolific writer of shit. We tell you to fuck off and you come back with something that stinks even worse four days later. EDWIN Ive been hearing this for the past ten years. You know you cant make me give up. Im very good at taking criticism. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: TWIN #2 Tuning out people who are trying to help you is the opposite of that. Youre terrible at taking criticism. TWIN #1 Edwin, let me make you a deal. I know a guy wholl show you a good time with some ladies TWIN #2 A prostitute. BEARD AGENT Ill give you 200 dollars. OLD AGENT Ill give you all my grandsons pokemon cards. TWIN #1 200 dollars, a whack of stolen pokemon cards and you get to lose your virginity. EDWIN How did you know I was a virgin? TWIN #1 Just sign the dotted line and well get you fixed up.

13.

The men all watch Edwin in a moment of desperate tension. ACT 2 INT. EDWINS HOUSE - DAY EDWIN sits at a table writing on a laptop. Edwins 50 year old mom HELEN is at the same table, and she is also on a laptop. Edwins dog approaches and stares at him. EDWIN What? They get into a staring contest. EDWIN Oh. Ok... Edwin averts his eyes to the floor. The dog struts away. (CONTINUED)

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HELEN How was your meeting, baby? EDWIN They tried to get me to quit again. I didnt cave, though. HELEN Good for you, Edwin! Youre very good at taking criticism. EDWIN Thats what I said! (pause) Mom, do you think maybe Im not meant to be a writer? Like... maybe Im not good enough? Maybe I just dont have it in me? HELEN Edwin, you can be whatever you want to be. EDWIN Yeah, but... youve been saying that since I was a kid, and Im still not a writer. HELEN Dreams take a long time to realize, honey. All you can do is just ignore all the voices telling you that you cant do it, that you cant write, that you suck, that you smell bad, and just plow on forward. EDWIN Thanks mom! EDWIN By the way, Edwin, your father is starting a new prescription and hes going through a few changes. So try and be patient with him, alright? EDWIN Okay... Edwins father JIM jacked, bald older time. He is whats Man" Randy Savage. enters the kitchen. Hes an unnaturally man who looks like he works out all the known as scary muscular. Think "Macho He has a full beard and wears terrible (CONTINUED)

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clothing typically seen in a weight room. Edwin jumps up from his chair upon sighting him. EDWIN Who the hell are you? JIM You dont recognize your own dad? EDWIN Dad?! JIM Goddamn right! How do I look? HELEN Are you sure youre following the prescription? JIM Helen baby girl, Im not gonna let a pharmacist tell me what to do with my own body. HELEN How much of it did you take? JIM All of them! HELEN All of them?? JIM I took all the steroids! EDWIN Where did you get those clothes from? JIM Im on my way to the gym. Listen, Edwin, were kicking you out of the house. EDWIN What?! JIM I already got you a place in Compton. First and last months rent is paid for.

(CONTINUED)

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HELEN When were you going to discuss this with me?! JIM I know a guy who can give you a job to pay the bills but if you fuck that up, youre on your own. EDWIN I cant get a job! I suck! JIM You suck because youre not motivated, son. Now youre motivated! Youre welcome. Edwins younger brother GORD enters the kitchen. He looks like a slightly younger Edwin. GORD Im keeping the fleshlight! EDWIN Fuck you, Gord, that thing is half mine! GORD I payed the shipping so its more mine than yours! EDWIN Shit, man, Im probably going to need to sell that thing for food! GORD I dont care! EDWIN You fucking asshole! Gord and Edwin get into a brawl. They are poor fighters. JIM Yeah! This is what I like to see! HELEN Boys! JIM Let them figure it out themselves! The passion! The desire! Who wants it more?! (CONTINUED)

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17.

Gord and Edwin get tired and both decide to stop fighting at the same time. JIM Jesus Christ, youre giving up?! EDWIN (simultaneously) You win... GORD (simultaneously) Youve won this round... EDWIN No I won. GORD You said it first. EDWIN Shut up. GORD I hate you Edwin. EDWIN Give us water, Mom. GORD Me first. EDWIN I cant wait to get out of here. GORD I cant wait for you to get out of here too. JIM Youre next, Gord! You got two years to pull your head out of your ass starting today! GORD Dad! HELEN Do you want Sunny Delight or Mountain Dew?

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ACT 3 EXT. EDWINS APARTMENT BUILDING - DUSK Night is falling on a three or four story apartment building deep in the heart of Compton. Police SIRENS are heard in the distance, along with a completely unrealistic and out of place MACHINE GUN SALVO and WILHELM SCREAM. Whoevers doing the SFX really wants you to know that this is a dangerous part of town. INT. EDWINS APARTMENT - DUSK EDWIN sits on a small, ratty looking couch as movers finish putting down boxes and furniture. One MOVER approaches Edwin. MOVER I think thats everything. EDWIN Ok thanks. There is a long, awkward pause. MOVER How about a tip so we can get something to eat? EDWIN Uh... Edwin moves towards the boxes and rummages through them. He finds a packaged action figure. EDWIN Here, this is a collectors edition Naruto action figure. Its worth 10 bucks right now but if you hold onto it you could make some serious cash. MOVER I dont want this. EDWIN (pause) Why not?

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The mover furrows his eyebrows incredulously and shakes his head, dropping the figure on the floor before leaving. Edwin moves to his couch and sits down. He opens a laptop on a coffee table in front of him. EDWIN Now that Ive been through this ordeal and made some progress in my life, maybe my writing will be a little deeper and richer for the experience. We see Edwin writing in the title page of a screenplay on his laptop. "Space Legends: Lords Of Time And The Galaxy And Space". We get a brief moments hesitation where we think Edwin might finally be realizing that he is full of bad ideas as he pauses and then begins backspacing. Unfortunately, he only erases the "And Space" repetition and caps the title off with a period with a satisfying peck of the key. EDWIN You know what? I think I can do this. Dad can keep his stupid job. Gord can keep my fleshlight. For now. Ive got a career to start.