Archer - Boy from Brazil by David Goldstein

TEASER FADE IN: INT. MALORYS OFFICE - DAY ISISs staff is gathered in Malorys office. She has yet to arrive and the personnel are getting rowdy. Pam is dressed in full cowboy gear: A ten gallon hat, overalls, and cowboy boots. CHEYRL Ugh, gag my eyes out with a rusty spoon. Im sooo bored!!! PAM Howdy partner, its a dandy day. CYRIL You know you cant just declare Fridays Wild West day. PAM Why? Whats wrong there stranger? Dont like the get up? I just might have to take you to the barn and mount you. Archer lets out a laugh. ARCHER Id totally rock a cowboy hat. Malory comes running in. MALORY We have very little time so everyone listen. PAM Finally, Yes to Western Ho-Down Fridays at the office. Cyril lets out a cold shiver. MALORY Pam, never in a million years. Ray, Im going to need a apache attack helicopter ready to lift off in fifteen. Lana... Archer, gear up. LANA Whats going on?

2. MALORY ISIS has been hired to neutralize a scientist working out of Argentina. Hes threatening to end the world. WOOOO! ARCHER

Archer takes out a cigar and lights it. LANA Since when do you smoke cigars? ARCHER Since Im going to have a freaking parade thrown in my honor. Archer puts the cigar down and looks at Malory. ARCHER (CONTD) I am getting a parade, right Mother? Malory turns to her television and pulls up a profile on one Dr. Hans, late sixties and always uniformed in a white lab coat; Hes a spitting image of an older Dr. Krieger. LANA Whats in it for you? ARCHER A freaking parade. Duh, Lana. Malory? LANA

MALORY Why me? Whatever could you mean? What more could I want then insuring the safety of innocent people? Archer turns to Krieger and whispers. ARCHER Im definitely getting a parade. MALORY This mans name is Dr. Hans, and hes made something hes dubbed ICE-9. If even one drop of it touches Earth's oceans the world will be thrown into an ice age.

3. KRIEGER ICE-9? I love Vonneguet. MALORY I know you do Krieger Dear, and I also know that youve been working on making ICE-9 for the past eight years. Thats why your going to go help Archer and Lana with their mission. KRIEGER Yeah, but who wants to live in an a gigantic tundra filled with Russian cyborgs. Wait...I can leave the office? This amazing. LANA Krieger? (beat) Malory I dont think its a good idea to put Krieger in the field. Argentina could be to dangerous for him. KRIEGER Ill have you know I grew up in Brazil. CHEYRL OOO Look at Mr.Guy over here. Mr. Im a genetic clone of Adolf Hitler but my pet dobermans killed my Dad. Am I right? Everyone looks at Cheyrl. They all have an awkward moment for a second. Whatever. CHEYRL (CONTD)

MALORY That maybe true, but hes also humanities last hope. (gasps) PAM

As the words seep into the stunned room, Archer ashes his cigar on the carpet. MALORY Archer! Ash on the carpet?

4. You know this is exactly why we cant have nice things. MAIN TITLE SEQUENCE: ACT ONE EXT. SOMEWHERE OVER ARGENTINA - APACHE HELICOPTER - DAY A green apache helicopter flies over endless jungle. The door to the cargo bay is open. INT. APACHE HELICOPTER - DAY Krieger, still in his lab coat, enthusiastically sticks his head out to enjoy the view. Lana and Archer wear full tactical gear. Archer is sporting a cowboy hat. LANA Krieger, get back in here and sit down. Whats gotten into you? Krieger hops back inside and sits down facing Archer and Lana. He cant seem to stop fidgeting. KRIEGER The sound of the propellers. Its all like unce unce unce..... Krieger trails off what he was talking about and becomes absorbed in a small flicking light. ARCHER Wow Lana, hes just enjoying being out of the office. Nothing excites you anymore. LANA Thats not true, just look at him. Kriegers back faces Lana as he rubs his face against the pilot. LANA (CONTD) I think something maybe wrong. ARCHER God, youre so shallow Lana. Showing signs of affection doesn't mean something is wrong with a person. I dont even want to talk to you anymore. Im going back to playing cowboys in Vietnam.

5. Archer pulls out a pocket mirror and fixes his hat. He rubs his hands together to warm them up then acts out shooting a gatling gun over the side of the helicopter.

Lana approaches Krieger as he tugs on the pilot's arm begging him to: KRIGER ....fly up. Fly all the way up! I must see Pigley! Go to the big Fort Kickass in the sky! Lana pulls Krieger off the pilot. LANA Whats wrong with you? Lana takes a closer look at Kriegers eyes. They are dilated. LANA (CONTD) Holy shit youre high. KRIEGER No, well, maybe. You have beautiful-Lana shoves Krieger off her and into his chair. Archer. LANA

Archer begins to make louder Gatling gun sounds in order to drown out Lana as he continues his reenactment of Cowboys in Vietnam. LANA (CONTD) Archer. Ugh, I feel like Im babysitting two twelve-year olds....and ones on drugs. I swear if we survive this Im going to kill Malory for putting me through... Lana takes a second to calm down. LANA (CONTD) Its okay Lana. The fate of the world rests on you. You got this girl. You just need... Lana trails her words as she is distracted by Krieger gnawing on his own arm.

6. Lana lets out a sigh and kneels down next to Krieger.

LANA (CONTD) Krieger. I need you to think really hard. What drug did you take? Krieger puts his arm out as if to offer it to Lana. LANA (CONTD) No, did you take any pills before we left? Um....ambien. KRIEGER

LANA Does you feel like your on ambien? KRIEGER Kinda...more like Ambien laced with ecstasy. Lana puts her fingers up between her eyes in frustration. LANA Your the only one that knows how to handle the ICE-9. Why did you take ecstasy? KRIEGER I guess I grabbed the wrong pill from my pill drawer. Pill drawer? LANA

INT. ISIS HEADQUARTERS - KRIEGERS LAB - DAY Cheryl and Pam snoop through Kriegers desk. PAM Never heard of no pill drawer before? CHEYRL Yeah, Krieger used to give me like a wad of pills before hed tie me in his...Aha. Cheryl pops open a drawer filled with loose pills of various sizes and colors.

7. CHEYRL (CONTD) Hello my pretties. PAM WoooWeee, thats there sure is a lot of pills. How you know which one of them pills does what? CHEYRL Its kinda like picking up a chance card in monopoly. Except instead of a card its a psychoactive drug. PAM Im gonna stick to some of my Granmas famous bathtub moonshine. Pam pulls out a large flask and drinks it and offers it to Cheyrl. PAM (CONTD) Wanna have a hog killin time? Cheyrl grills Pam. CHEYRL Hog killintime? PAM What? They said stuff like that. I think. CHEYRL Get that the hell away from me. It smells like bleach. PAM Grandmas secret ingerdient. CHEYRL Ew Pam. Im stressed enough as it is that the worlds going to end. If Im stuck at ISIS I might as well trip out for the next few hours. Suit yourself. PAM

Pam takes a large swig. Cyril emerges from the corridor and comes running up to Cheyrl. CYRIL You have to follow me. I set up the panic room.

8. We have enough water to last us a few days and I think we can scavenger for food and... Wow, thats a lot of pills. CHEYRL Yeah, none for you though. How you planning on keeping warm? CYRIL I figured, you know... we could just have sex every time we got cold. I love it. PAM

CYRIL Id rather freeze Pam. CHEYRL Great, another genius. Cheyrl throws her hands up and looks to the ceiling for answers. CHEYRL (CONTD) Why God? Why do I have to spend my final moments with these two? Pam talks out the corner of her mouth pretending to be God. PAM Because cowboys are cool. Cheyrl drops her hands in sorrow. CHEYRL Ugh, I really hope Krieger can save the world. INT. APACHE HELICOPTER - DAY Lana straps Krieger down into his seat. LANA Like, am I the only one concerned that the world could possibly end if we dont succeed? Call me crazy, but having our main scientist on Ecstasy seems like a big problem to me! KRIEGER It feels like the chairs hugging me.

9. Ugh! LANA

ARCHER Stop being such a kill joy Lana. Krieger can still do..whatever it is hes suppose to do.. Right Krieger? KRIEGER Aye Aye Captain. ARCHER See Lana, this is why no one wants to spend anytime with a kill joy and why you wont be invited to my parade. Lana faces Archer, turning her back to Krieger. LANA Kill joy! Im trying to save the world and all you can do is look at yourself in your stupid cowboy hat. ARCHER Stupid? I can practically pass for Gary Cooper, Lana! But you wouldnt know your western films seeing how your a kill joy. You kill joy. Why dont you just quit ISIS and join the fun police. Right Krieger? KRIEGER I am totally rolling face. ARCHER Ha, yeah Krieger....wait..what? KRIEGER Im coming pigley! Krieger pulls the emergency eject lever and takes off out of the helicopter. Lana looks at Archer. ARCHER Whoa, did not expect that. INT. ISIS HEADQUARTERS - PANIC ROOM - DAY Pam and Cheyrl sit by a pile of pills and watch as Cyril runs circles around the room striping down to his underwear.

10. CYRIL Nuke the whales! CHEYRL Hmm, yeah I think Krieger told me to stay away from the light blue ones. PAM Why hes crazy as a loon. Please stop. CHEYRL

PAM What? Its fun. Try it. Cyril runs out of the panic room screaming. Woops. CHEYRL

INT. ISIS HEADQUARTERS - CONTINUOUS Cyril runs through the hallway. BRETT Hey there Cyril. Cyril shoves him down. BRETT (CONTD) What the hell was that for? INT. ISIS HEADQUARTERS - ENTRANCE TO ARMORY - CONTINUOUS Cyril turns the corner and eyes the door. INT. HELICOPTER - DAY Lana and Archer get ready to jump. LANA Why the hell did you encourage him? ARCHER Im not the one that let him take drugs. LANA Your going to blame this one me?

11. EXT. JUNGLE - CONTINUOUS Lana and Archer jump. Their chutes deploy. LANA Maybe if you listened more.. ARCHER Maybe if you werent so bromidic Id pay more attention and... Archer reaches for the top of his head to secure his hat, but its not there. ARCHER (CONTD) Lana wheres my hat? LANA Who jumps out of a helicopter with a cowboy hat? ARCHER No seriously Lana, do you see it? It has the map in it? LANA What? Why did you put it in your hat? ARCHER Obviously because thats where cowboys keep their maps, and I looked bad ass. Lanas phone starts ringing. LANA I cant believe this! She answers. Hello! LANA (CONTD)

INT. ISIS HEADQUARTERS - PANIC ROOM - DAY The whole office is gathered in the panic room. Malory is on the phone with Lana. MALORY Lana, put Krieger on the phone.

12. EXT. JUNGLE - DAY LANA I cant. We lost him. Archer sees his hat slowly sailing down to the ground several feet below him. ARCHER Ah! Lana I see it. He tries to jiggle his way towards it. INT. ISIS HEADQUARTERS - PANIC ROOM A loud BANGING comes from outside the panic room door. MALORY Lost him? What do you mean lost him? EXT. JUNGLE - DAY LANA Meaning I have no idea where he is! For all I know hes been eaten by panther. Archer keeps trying to wiggle closer to the vicinity where his hat went. ARCHER Lana! Lana! If I unstrap myself and make a dive, will you catch me? LANA Archer! Malory I have to go. Lana hangs up. INT. ISIS HEADQUARTERS - PANIC ROOM The BANGING gets louder till it finally comes to a stop. PAM Well this aint no good. Through a security camera feed we see Cyril standing in the hall with a rocket launcher.

13. EXT. JUNGLE - TREETOPS - DAY Krieger hangs in the lush jungle foliage by his parachute looking at a monkey. KRIEGER Mr. Monkley I dont know what I ever did without you in my life. Krieger laughs. KRIEGER (CONTD) It is a small world, isn't it? Mr. Monkley undoes Kriegers parachute causing him to fall. KRIEGER (CONTD) Mr. Monkley! I forgive you! Krieger falls to the jungle floor. EXT. JUNGLE - JUNGLE FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Krieger lands hard on the jungle floor with a loud THUMP. He takes a second to move, lying face down in the vegetation. When Krieger regains consciousness the begins rolling around in the mud and smearing it all over his body, passionately purring as rolls around in the foliage. Krieger turns around onto his back and begins to look around. Ooooh....oh. KRIEGER

His eyes widen when he turns around and sees, with us: a horde of Nazi zombies surrounding him. Standing among them is Dr. Hans who squats down beside Krieger. DR. HANS Gutten Tag...Son.

END ACT ONE

14. (CONTD) (CONTD) ACT TWO EXT. JUNGLE - DAY Lana and Archer walk through the thick Argentinian Jungle, hacking at the vegetation with machetes. ARCHER Whoa, I cant believe I got the hat back. Like... Archer stops walking. His eyes widen as he realizes how crazy his stunt was. ARCHER (CONTD) For a second there I thought I was gonna die. WOOO! LANA Its cause you were going to die! What was the point of unstrapping yourself? Better yet dont tell me. ARCHER How do you expect to find the laboratory without the map, Lana? Besides I want to do this right for when I get my - LANA (Interupting) I swear if you say parade Im going too.. ARCHER Obviously Im going to talk about my parade. Its the only reason Im in this godforsaken jungle. I need the cowboy hat for image. LANA Image? Are you kidding me? ARCHER My parade balloon ,Lana. A huge balloon of me with a cowboy hat. Itll become a thanksgiving classic. LANA Whyd I even ask?

15. ARCHER You just wish you thought of it first. LANA No Archer, I wish we knew where the hell we were. Let me get the map. Archer hugs the map to his chest and leans back. I got it. ARCHER

LANA Archer, give me the map. No Lana. ARCHER

Lana snaps and rips the map out of Archers hands. LANA Was that so har...Oh my God. Are you serious? Lana shows the map to us. Over it is a large doodle of a parade ballon Archer wearing a cowboy hat. ARCHER What? You can still make out where we are. LANA No you cant. Thats it. Im done. Im going home. Lana begins chopping in a different direction. LANA (CONTD) I cant believe I let you hold onto the map. Lana. ARCHER

LANA Lana do this. Lana do that. Take care of Krieger Lana. Baby-sit Archer Lana. Lana. ARCHER

LANA Ugh! I should have known this would - -

16. LANA! What? ARCHER LANA

ARCHER Watch out for the trap doo.. The ground from underneath Lana and Archer drops open and sends them down a chute into a dungeon filled with Nazi Zombies. INT. DUNGEON - DAY The trap door. Were screwed. ARCHER LANA

INT. ISIS HEADQUARTERS - PANIC ROOM Cheyrl, Malory, and Ray huddle around each other in the panic room. RAY You can say that again. What is he even on? PAM Holler its a Chinamans cocktail. Do elaborate. RAY

CHEYRL Mushrooms laced with huge amounts of PCP. MALORY Why? Its unfair. Its so unfair. Why must it end like this? Malory begins to weep. RAY Aww, you poor thing. Dont be scared. Were safe in here. MALORY Its not that you fool. Lana lost Krieger. The whole mission is ruined.

17. RAY Im sure theyll figure out a way to - MALORY (Interupting) ---You just dont get it. This was going to set up my whole summer vacation. I already started looking for villas in Italy and -RAY --Why you evil shrew. Are you serious? CHEYRL Were all going to die here. Who cares about villains in Italy? Theyll be dead too, right? Malory stops crying for a second then breaks into full distress. MALORY Im going to die next to all of you. I hate you Pam. RAY And the true colors show. CHEYRL Well its going to come a lot faster unless someone takes care of Cyril. EXT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE PANIC ROOM We see through the security cameras perspective: Cyril dragging Brett, whos legs and hands are now bound, into the hallway and leaving him in the corridor. INT. PANIC ROOM - DAY Cheyrl screams like a little girl. PAM (Interrupting) --Enough! From the corner of the room we see Pam. She looks up from the brim of her cowboy hat. Everyone looks at her.

18. PAM Now Ive been in tighter spots than this. Ima go shanghai this greenhorn so we can figure out our situation. She gets up and heads toward the panic room door. PAM (CONTD) Now I reckon that this here hooligan will take me some time so just hold on for me young bucks. Young bucks? CHEYRL

Pam looks toward the door. PAM Here I come city boy. YE HA. Pam storms out the room. Ray, Malory, and Cheyrl exchange glances. Well then... RAY

CHEYRL Anyone think that will work? Nope RAY

CHEYRL Want to take a bunch of pills before the world ends? MALORY Pass me the red one. Malory drinks it down with her martini. INT. DR. HANS LABORATORY - MAIN STUDY Krieger and Dr. Hans sit in the center of the evil lair, a round glass dome that doubles as a green house. Jungle foliage and servers decorate the interior of the lab. Nazi Zombies walk around doing aimless tasks like working the servers and guarding entrances. DR. HANS Sure its hard to train them but a few tribes men here, a little monkey meat, its definitely worth the effort.

19. A zombie approaches Krieger holding a tray with two cocktails on it. Krieger leaps out and gives the zombie a big hug. The zombie groans. KRIEGER Thank you sooo much. Youre amazing. Dr. Hans lets out a big laugh. DR. HANS Just like Das Fuhrer. So affectionate with the troops. Kriger sits back down in his chair and starts whirling side to side sipping his cocktail. Dr. Hans gets up and turns his back to Krieger. He eyes a small vile containing ICE-9 resting on a column. DR. HANS (CONTD) Ill never forget the day you were taken from me, my son. I had escaped the Fatherland in my stealth Nazi blimp. My team had dreams of cloning the Furher, raising the fourth Reich. Then one day... Dr. Hans shakes his head in disbelief. DR. HANS (CONTD) Ill get ISIS back by taking Dutchess life and you my son, are the key. The luminary that will bring in a new era of prosperity and.... Dr. Hans turns around to see Krieger raving next to a Zombie. DR. HANS (CONTD) Ah, it warms my heart to see your as excited as I am. Dr. Hans takes the vile off the column and raises it up to savor its power. DR. HANS (CONTD) This greenhouse was designed to utilize the smallest amount of sun to grow our crops. Together, well survive Armageddon and lead a race that all share the Fuhrers blood. Krieger stops dancing with the zombie to down the rest of his cocktail.

20. KRIEGER Whats in the vile? DR. HANS The key to a new world. Krieger eyes the substance. Sounds trippy. INT. DUNGEON - DAY Lana and Archer find themselves surrounded by zombies. The Undead stand motionless eyeing the fresh meat, waiting for their preys first movement. Lana? Yeah, Archer? ARCHER LANA KRIEGER

ARCHER Are we about to take on a horde of Nazi Zombies? Oh yeah. Bring it. LANA ARCHER

One Zombie SHRIEKS as it leads the swarming horde. Archer and Lana unload their machine gun clips on the first wave. CLICK, their magazines go empty. Lana tosses Archer her machete and he catches it in his free hand. Lana pulls out her two handguns while stepping in front of Archer, taking on the whole horde with her duel pistols. LANA Get the ones that get passed me. Archer, now duel-wielding machetes, picks off all the advancing zombies left over from Lanas deadly accuracy. A zombie goes to bite Archers neck but Archer manages a last second left hook. CUT TO:

21. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE PANIC ROOM Pam, with her arms above her head, slowly moves toward Cyril. He is holding Brett in front of him like a human shield; gun pressed against his head. PAM Let go of him, Cyril. Pam slowly reaches for something behind her. Much like Die Hard, Pam has a handgun taped to her back. PAM (CONTD) We dont want to have to do this the hard way. INT. DUNGEON. Archer and Lana stand a top a mound of zombie corpses. ARCHER O Yeah! Whats up Zombies? Yeah! That was awesome Lana. LANA We should get out of here. ARCHER We just took on a horde of Nazi zombies and lived! No ones going to believe this. Lana moves through the carnage towards the end of the room. LANA I think I found a door. Archer rips off a zombies arms. ARCHER This is definitely a keep sake. Cant wait to show Ray this. Hes gonna be all like no way. And Ill be like look. And hell be like whoa. Argentinas soo cool. Archer focus. Right. LANA ARCHER

Archer follows Lana out of the Dungeon.

22. INT. DR.HANS LABORATORY - HALLWAY Archer and Lana walk down what seems to be an endless steal corridor. ARCHER So I was thinking back there. LANA Ugh, what is it? ARCHER Do you think those zombies were Nazis before they died? Or were they zombies that made the conscious decision to become Nazis? LANA Youre kidding right? ARCHER Hmmm... Who do you think should play your part for the reenactment during the parade? LANA Can your ego get any bigger?. ARCHER No it cant get any bigger, Lana. I just beat a swarm of zombies, I think that justifies a reenactment. LANA Your not getting a Parade. Not everything magically goes your way. How about you actually do something and find Dr. Hans. Fine I will. ARCHER

LANA Good I want to see you try. Archer stops in front of a door labeled Do Not Enter. ARCHER Hes behind this door. Yeah right. LANA

23. You wanna see? ARCHER

LANA Prove me wrong wise ass. Archer pushes a button to open the door revealing Krieger and Dr. Hans standing over the small opening in the middle of the room. Its connected to the river that runs beneath them. Krieger holds the vile of ICE-9. Krieger starts waving at them. KRIEGER Hey Guys! Where you been? Archer looks at Lana and smiles. LANA Dont say word.

(CONTD) END ACT TWO

(CONTD) (CONTD) (CONTD) (CONTD) (CONTD) (CONTD) (CONTD) (CONTD) (CONTD) (CONTD) (CONTD) (CONTD) (CONTD) (CONTD)

24. (CONTD) ACT THREE INT. DR. HANS LABORATORY Archer and Lana stand in the doorway, shocked that theyve found Krieger. LANA Krieger? What are you doing? KRIEGER I!....dont know. Krieger looks around. KRIEGER (CONTD) Feels like Im about to swallow my tongue though. DR. HANS Youre too late Dutchess. Quick son, throw it into the water. LANA Son? Dr. Hans is your father? Krieger and Dr. Hans stand side by side both wearing lab coats and looking bewildered. ARCHER You met your Dad, thats awesome. Isnt that cool Lana? (beat) Oh yeah, bad guy. Archer points his Undead souvenir at Dr. Hans. ARCHER (CONTD) Its over Dr. Hans. Were cutting the reunion short. Come here Krieger. DR. HANS What are you waiting for son? Throw it in and purify this rotten world. LANA Dont do it Krieger. DR. HANS Do it now. We can rebuild society free of imperfections. Together Krieger, were unstoppable.

25. LANA Krieger, dont listen to him. Archer flips off Krieger with the zombie arm and lets out a chuckle. Cool aint it? Very. Archer What Lana? ARCHER KRIEGER LANA KRIEGER

DR. HANS Krieger, drop the ICE-9 now. Wehrmacht Angriff! ARCHER Is that German? The zombies in the room start rushing towards Lana and Archer. ARCHER (CONTD) Whoa, answers my question. Archer bats a zombie away with the Undead arm. Lana shoots a zombie in between its eyes. Krieger looks into his hands and comprehends what he is holding. ICE-9? KRIEGER

LANA Krieger! Archer, he doesn't know whats going on. We need to stop him. As Lana and Archer fight off the zombies in desperation to make it to Krieger before he accidently causes an apocalypse, we see of close-up of Krieger face. He lets out a small eye twitch. The chaos becomes muted. Mr.Moonkley? KRIEGER

26. DREAM SEQUENCE - EXT. JUNGLE - TREETOPS - DAY Mr. Moonkley, the monkey Krieger met earlier, sits before Krieger in a lavish leather chair embedded into a tree branch. He is wearing a silk robe and smoking a pipe of tobacco. Hello Krieger. MR. MOONKLEY

Krieger is seated cross legged on a small zafu pillow. KRIEGER Mr.Moonkley, where am I? MR. MOONKLEY The mixture of ecstasy and your high anxiety caused a back spasm triggering an acid flashback. Oh. KRIEGER

(beat) Of coarse. MR. MOONKLEY The real question is what are you going to do? The fate of the world is in your finger tips. Krieger looks down and looks at his palms. MR. MOONKLEY (CONTD) I understand your confused. Mr. Moonkley puts his paws out to demonstrate his imagined scale. He talks with the pipe in the corner of his mouth. MR.MOONKLEY On one hand, you can start a new world and rekindle a relationship with your father that was never able to blossom. On the other, you choose a path of compassion and save the circus you call society. Mr.Moonkley sees a beetle swats it then eats it. MR. MOONKLEY You know what you have to do. Krieger closes his palms. KRIEGER Youre a very wise Mr. Moonkley.

27. MR. MOONKLEY And you take a lot of drugs Krieger. Krieger bows his head. END DREAM SEQUENCE INT. DR.HANS LABORATORY Krieger looks at the small vile in his hands and closes his palm. Lana and Archer fight their way towards Krieger but are still too far away to stop him. DR. HANS Now, while their distracted. I cant. KRIEGER

Krieger closes the water hole. DR. HANS I should have known nature alone was not enough. You are no Fuhrer. Dr. Hans rushes towards Krieger and tries to wrestle the vile from Kriegers hands. Dad, No! KRIEGER

DR. HANS I will fulfill the... Dr.Hans SCREAMS as a flying machete cuts off his arms. ARCHER WOOO! Dr. No Hans. Haha Archer throws up a quick high five for Lana but goes back into fight mode when a zombie runs toward him. LANA Krieger, secure the vile. Krieger picks up the vile and begins to tear. Dr. Hans MOANS in pain. Dr. Hans looks up from the floor and stares into his sons eyes. DR. HANS We could have ruled the world.

28. I know Dad. KRIEGER

DR.HANS And you exchanged it for what? A stupid spy agency? Im sorry Dad. KRIEGER

Krieger puts the vile in Dr. Hans mouth and pushes his jaw closed causing the vile to BREAK in Dr. Hans mouth. Instantaneously Dr. Hans freezes into a ice statue. KRIEGER (CONTD) You died a long time ago. Krieger beats his fist down on Dr. Hans frozen chest. KRIEGER (CONTD) Damn you Mr. Moonkley. Damn you. Krieger bends over his fathers body. Archer beheads the last of the zombies. Lana sees Krieger bent over Dr. Hans Body and puts her hand on Kriegers shoulder. LANA We have to go Krieger. ARCHER Yeah, Archer two Un-dead zero. Thats what Im talking bout. Keepem coming. Did you see how I threw that machete Lana? I didnt even know I could do that. LANA Have some respect Archer. ARCHER Oh. Still epic. Krieger gets up and wipes the tears from his eyes. LANA You okay Krieger? KRIEGER Yeah, Ive done worse things on drugs. LANA Are we in danger of the ICE-9?

29. KRIEGER No, but we need to blow up the lab. Its the only way to ensure the ICE-9 is destroyed. Krieger goes to a panel and starts the destruction sequence. Archer pokes at Dr. Hans frozen body with his souvenir. KRIEGER (CONTD) Its set for twenty minutes. LANA But thats not enough time to escape the blast radius. The lights in the room turn red as a voice from the intercom system come on. INTERCOM VOICE Twenty minutes till SelfDestruction. KRIEGER I can get us out of here. I know what Im doing. Follow me. INT. ISIS HEADQUARTERS - PANIC ROOM Pam comes into the Panic Room with Cyril handcuffed. PAM Why that was no harder then catching a wild coon with...Oh what the hell? The panic room lies in bedlam. Ray paces as fast as he can back and forth, mumbling to himself so fast its impossible to make out exactly what he is saying; Malory swirls her arms around while humming and Cheryl concentrates in deep focus staring at a wall. PAM (CONTD) Are you kidding me? No faith in Pam what so ever...Its like high school all over again... Cyrils eyes widen in terror. From his point of view the panic room looks like its filled with water and the people in it aquatic life. Ray looks like a huge sword fish with legs, Malory looks like a Octopus, and Cheyrl like a Anglerfish. He turns and sees Pam. She looks like a huge whale. WHALE NOISES echo out her mouth as she talks.

30. PAM (CONTD) ...I can handle this. Ho-down Friday will not be ruined. Pam lets out a sigh and fixes her cowboy belt. She looks at Cyril. His mouth open in pure terror. PAM (CONTD) Whats your problem buckaroo? Cyril breaks free of Pams hold and jets straight into the wall in front of him. CYRIL Dont eat me whale! THUD. Cyril hits the wall and fall unconscious. PAM Well....one down I guess. Pam examines everyone then approaches Cheyrl. She walks over and squats down beside her. Cheyrl. PAM (CONTD)

Cheyrl slowly looks toward Pam. PAM (CONTD) Hey you, what are you on? CHEYRL Your face (beat) ...is a clock. Pam gets up. PAM If you cant beat em. Pam pulls out her flask and takes a large gulp. INT. DR. HANS AIRSHIP - LOADING BAY - DAY Archer and Lana stand behind Krieger. He sits at the edge of the airship bay, with his feet dangling off the edge of the loading dock, staring into the distance. The lab EXPLODES sending a small mushroom cloud into the sky. The cloud freezes then melts into a pool of water. Wow. ARCHER

31. LANA I know. Beautiful. How did you know Dr. Hans had an airship? KRIEGER My Dad told me. ARCHER Duh, Lana. All Nazis have airships. LANA Krieger Im sorry I doubted you for this mission. Krieger gets up and wipes the dirt off his white lab coat. KRIEGER Its like a very wise monkey once told me. A man does what he must in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles, dangers and pressures. That is the basis of all human morality. ARCHER That was Churchill. Krieger takes a pill out of his lab coat and eats it. KRIEGER Drugs are a hell of a thing. LANA Im ready to go---. Lana, Archer and Krieger fly toward the front of the cargo bay as the airship dips forward. KRIEGER Oh God, tell me I didnt I just take a Chinamans Cocktail. Lana pushes her way towards the flight controls. LANA The steerings not responding. Were going down. Not again. Hold on. KRIEGER LANA

32. EXT. ARGENTINA - EMPTY FIELD - DAY The airship falls hard into a field and comes to a fiery halt mostly intact. Lana, Krieger, and Archer climb out of the cargo bay. They all stare into the distance amazed. LANA I dont believe it. Archer raises his zombie arm triumphantly in the air and screams in Lanas face. Wahoo! ARCHER

Not far from where the float crashed, Village locals throw a parade. Archer takes off running toward the town. Lana takes out her cell phone and dials ISIS. KRIEGER Is that a parade? LANA Oh, you better pick up. INT. ISIS HEADQUARTERS - PANIC ROOM Cyril wakes up to the sound of Malorys phone ringing. He slowly sits up and rubs his face free of pills stuck from the rug. He finds his glasses bent beside him, puts them on, and lets out a loud SHIVER. Cheyrl, Malory, and Ray lie naked asleep on the floor. Pam sits naked in the corner with her flask. Ugh, what? CYRIL

PAM Howdy Partner. Looks like you got barrel fever. Some gut warmer should fix ya right up. Pam gestures to her flask. CYRIL Im gonna be sick.

33. PAM Dont kick up a row. Didnt know you were so jo-fired for sea life. Cyril vomits. It wakes up everyone in the room. They all sit up except Cheyrl who stays face down on the carpet. Morning yall. PAM (CONTD)

RAY Oh God, it smells like a raccoon died. CHEYRL Quite. My head feels like its been pounded with a nail. Sploosh. PAM

Cheyrl works up energy to flip off Pam. MALORY Pam, tell me the last few hours were just a bad dream. CHEYRL Oh man, I hope they didnt save the world. Pam looks around smiling, happy as can be. PAM I love Ho-down Fridays. SLAM TO CREDITS