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IamAlima Love Unveiled
IamAlima Love Unveiled
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Introduction
He doesnt love me... He doesnt talk to me... Why did he get married to me if hes going to treat me like this? I looked at the sister as she had tears rolling down her cheeks and thought to myself... ...What can I do to help you? How can I soften your pain? Whilst at a seminar, a sister approached me in hope that I will take her to the Shaykh and he could give her advice. Much to my surprise, it was her mother in law who was pushing her to do so, due to the pain of seeing her son treat her this way. SubhanAllah, at that moment in time all I could do was to reassure her that things will get better, as well as offering her support by ensuring she was seen by the Shaykh, which alhamdulillah she was. I have used my personal development background and research within this topic to ensure I have presented this topic well with the best and most relevant information. Alhamdulillah, everything has been referenced back to the Quran and Sunnah, in hope of ensuring you get the best and attain the pleasure of Allah azza wa jal in the process. The material in this book is from my own experience, seminars and lectures with Shaykh Waleed Basyouni, Shaykh Yaser Birjas, as well as personal development seminars with Shaykh Muhammad Alshareef. You dont have to go through a painful marriage... Allah azza wa jal wants you to be happy and so it doesnt have to be like this - you can learn this now and save yourself from choosing the wrong direction in life.
In Allah we put our trust, whilst doing our best to know the rest.
Though, the main thing for me is being able to assist you in this journey. Hence, I hope you have a great read, gain a lot from this book and may it be a means of moving forward to success. ...And Allah azza wa jal knows best.
Alima Ashfaq
Founder of iamAlima
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Its your choice. The life you choose to lead is due to the choices you make. If you make them right, with intelligence, then you wont go wrong. If youre hasty and you go into a road without a calculated decision, then youre setting yourself up for trouble
Suddenly you hear someone calling your name... Wake up and stop dreaming! Were l ate, we need to be there by 7pm and its already six! Shouts your Sister up the stairs. What is the family going to think?! If you want to get married to this person, you better hurry up down stairs RIGHT now!
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Oh maaan, Ive been thinking again... SubhanAllah, am I ready for the ride?!
Thats where I come in... Alhamdulillah I have been blessed to attend many seminars, lectures and experience a lot of people who have amazing marriages, those who are going through tough times, as well as sisters who arent married and not sure where theyre headed. I have done my best to deliver this topic in the best manner possible, focused on the important topics in hope that you will enjoy the read and move forward to study further into this topic in sha Allah. Either you get it right now, or you dont. One has a life of happiness, and the other has a life of heartache. Do you have any choice but to become the best?
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Love and Lust are two different things and they both exist. The main issue arises when you get one mixed up with the other and due to this many problems can occur. Though hey... At least we know that it exists right!? Love is a mystery. It cannot be defined rather its an emotion that you feel. The Prophet salAllahu `alayhi wasallam when speaking about his wife Khadija radiAllahu `anha said, Verily, I was filled with Love for her. From this hadeeth we learn that love happens and when it does its nothing to be ashamed about. Allah `azza wa jal says in the Quran: And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. [ArRoom 30:21] The key words in the verse are - Mawaddatan wa Rahma - which translates as Love and Mercy. Allah `azza wa jal created us to love someone, feel loved and be happy. He azza wa jal created this love within marriage, as real love can only grow and be maintained within a marriage.
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Lust;
its a fabricated imaginary type of love that is portrayed through two perfect individuals who passionately fall in love. They look great and when theyre in each others company they feel great (and they have no arguments at all!). We usually have no idea what happens at the end of their lives because the movie finishes when theyre in their early twenties, at the prime of their youth. :Rewind Rewind: We need to get real! Life is not perfect and at times you feel an emotion towards someone, but this shouldnt blind you.
In this life when you experience love its extremely strong and its not a sin as long as you dont act upon it in the incorrect manner. The emotion may be something youre unable to control, but your actions are in your control. There are two types of love as defined by the Scholars. Hubb is the Arabic word for love and Ishq describes the other type. Ibn alQayyim rahimahullah said; both were unique. He said Hubb was pure and noble, whereas Ishq was a forbidden, beyond the limits type of love and this is when someone will go to haraam measures to be with the one whom they love. ...Your heart is precious and you have an amazing future ahead of you.
Whoever you allow to enter into your life, will take you in one direction as adverse to another, one of good or one of evil. I have discussed the criterion set by the Prophet salAllahu `alayhi wasallam, so your aim in life should be - to be this person and get married to the type of person who the Prophet salAllahu `alayhi wasallam recommended. If youre already married - become this person now, and make du`a that Allah blesses your spouse to do the same. If you still dont understand what love is, then as I mentioned its rather mysterious! It just happens...
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Marriage in Islam
Either youre married, looking to get married, or dreaming to get married and for some its not happening anytime soon! Whoever you are, marriage is a topic that Allah `azza wa jal has spoken about highly and its essential for us to learn what marriage involves and the importance of it. The Prophet salAllahu `alayhi wasallam said, Whoever has married has completed half of his religion; therefore let him fear Allah in the other half! [Bayhaqi]
The concept of marriage has been present from the beginning of creation.
Allah `azza wa jal says, And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates... [Surah ArRoom 30:21] Islam encourages marriage in many places in the Quran and Sunnah. We are taught by Allah azza wa jal that men and women enter into marriage to earn three things; tranquillity, love and mercy. The Messenger salAllahu `alayhiwassallam said: For those who love each other, nothing has proven as good as marriage. [Sunan Ibn Majah] In Islam, feeling something is not haraam and if you do have such a feeling for someone and its done in the best manner, then marriage is the next step for such individuals.
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...Have you ever heard someone say; Living in the West is tough! Theres haraam everywhere! They may be referring to the billboards, their interactions at work, University, or perhaps in their home on the TV and Internet. Your eyes, ears and thoughts are constantly exposed to indecency wherever you go. In fact, if a person doesnt strive to control what comes in, there is a fear such indecency will appear in their actions.
The Prophet salAllahu alayhi wasallam said; There are seven whom Allah will shade in His Shade on the Day when there is no shade except His Shade: a just ruler; a youth who grew up in the worship of Allah, the Mighty and Majestic; a man whose heart is attached to the mosques; two men who love each other for Allah's sake, meeting for that and parting upon that; a man who is
called by a woman of beauty and position [for illegal intercourse], but he says: 'I fear Allah', a man who gives in charity and hides it, such that his left hand does not know what his
right hand gives in charity; and a man who remembered Allah in private and so his eyes shed tears. [Al-Bukhari and Muslim] Many of us have grown up in the West, so we know how valuable a person is who protects themselves. The reason behind this is because its tough! Not only are we exposed to it daily, rather its human desire to want to be loved and when someone gives you attention, for both men and women, its natural to want to receive it and give it in return.
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You have a choice in where you wish to spend your time, so make your choices wisely.
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So... How do you protect yourself? (Do you even need to ask?)
DhikrAllah - Busy yourself in the remembrance of Allah azza wa jal and if something comes up that
is indecent or will lead you on a slippy road say; A`udhu Billaa Himminash Shaytaanir Rajeem and seek refuge in Allah from this act.
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Now imagine if you got married to the wrong person. ....Yikes! Your marriage wont be perfect. This is why its essential to choose a partner who will help you achieve a breakthrough in the times of trouble, rather than someone that will be the cause of your break up! Now hopefully you are aware that choice matters! Hence, the question arises what do you look for?!
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Virginity
This is not a condition for marriage, how ever its recommended by the Prophet salAllahu alayhi wasallam to Jabir radiAllahu anhu and example for others. He salAllahu alayhi wasallam said: Should you not have married a virgin girl so she could play with you, and you could laugh with her and she could laugh with you? [Bukhari & Muslim]
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This hadeeth demonstrates the importance of religion and good character in a man, as well as highlighting that men shouldnt be rejected on trivial matters if their Deen is up to scratch. Hence, for a woman its essential she knows what she wants in her future husband, so she can make this decision based on what she needs to ensure she can give the best return and have a happy marriage. When Musa alayhis salaam fled from Egypt, he headed to Madyan during his journey and thirst he came across a well. Here he met two women who were waiting shyly on the other side for the men to finish taking water, so they could feed their animals. Musa alayhis salaam took it upon himself to help these women. The women were so humbled, they requested him to meet their father and in turn, through their interactions with him - we learn a lesson of what a man is.
Religious commitment
He is a Muslim and has TaqwAllah, fear of Allah. As a woman you have the right to refuse marriage to someone who doesnt fulfil the rights of Allah azza wa jal, in terms of belief in the correct Aqeedah and acting upon religious obligations.
Good Character
He needs to have good manners and his Emaan has to exemplify his outward experience. A woman who marries someone with a good conscience, who cares about others and their feelings will never lose out. If shes happy, it will please him and if things dont work out at times, he will respect her feelings. AlHasan bin `Ali was asked: If I have a daughter whom should I marry her to. He replied, Marry her to the one who has Taqwa (fear) of Allah. If he loves, he will honour, and if he doesnt like her he will not abuse her. Musa alayhis salaam was alAmeen; when he saw the two women, he respected the fact that they were sisters and lowered his gaze. This teaches us if a man doesnt go about his affairs correctly, especially in regards to marriage in an honourable manner, then he will run away the first chance he gets. (...and a guy like this is not worth it).
A Hardworking Man
You dont want to get married to someone who is lazy! Rather, your marriage should be based on energy. Musa alayhis salaam was a strong man. This was shown through his strength in helping the women and in the process getting more water than they needed. In those times it was tough work and Musa alayhis salaam excelled in it.
Compatibility
...Look for someone who is, well kinda like ya!
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We need to understand what love is and how it is expressed and this is done by understanding the languages of love. Once we know the languages of love, you can understand how one side gives love, and how they wish to receive it.
Spoken word
Have you heard of the statement; Actions speak louder than words? In marriage this isnt always the case. Actions dont speak louder than words, rather its your language of love, the random com pliments, nice words, appreciation for them as a person that matter to your spouse. Words like; I love you do have an unbelievable effect and can bring positive changes in your marriage if they are said consistently. That being said, many brothers are too shy to say this to their wife and what they dont realise that a woman needs to be reassured over and over again that she is loved. Take note of what you say to each other and take time out to say nice, loving statements to each other consistently and sincerely.
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Gifts
Hold up... Hold up - Dont mistake this language of love for materialism, the one on the receiving end of the gift wants to know that you love them, they thrive on effort you put into it and the fact that you were thinking of them to buy them something in the first place. The Prophet salAllahu alayhi wa sallam said; exchange gifts, as that will lead to increasing your love to one another. [Bukhari] In Islam we are encouraged to give gifts to each other. This hadeeth shows that the purpose of giving the gift is to build the love between us and who better to gain the love other than your spouses love? When you give a gift to your spouse, it shows you want the other person to be happy, even if it means spending your money and giving away your possessions in the process. It also shows you have thought about the person and this has a great effect on the person receiving the gift. So, if you want to increase the love... You know what you have to do!
Physical touch
Commonly when people think of the physical side of marriage they always think of the bedroom, this isnt the case, in fact, for a women its far from it. A woman wants to be constantly reassured that she is attractive and this is done by non-sexual physical gestures such as; a hug, holding hands, and a touch by her husband that is thoughtful, whether on the hand, shoulder or face. For women it shows that he still loves her, whereas for a man - he loves his wife and at times may not see the importance of such actions. If you understand the language of each other and this is something that applies to you or your spouse - then acting upon it will help strengthen your relationship and thus your marriage.
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Conclusion
There you go, the all important 6 topics you need to know about marriage. However, there are many more, this E-book is just a summary to get you started for the real journey, inshaAllah.
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