"Abortion Leave"

By
Paul Frazee

a Spec Script for "30 Rock"

979.777.3310 Paul Frazee

pfrazee@gmail.com 412 Farmington Ave #304
paul-frazee.com Hartford, CT 06105
Copyright 2009 Paul Frazee
INT. JACK’S OFFICE RECEPTION -- DAY
LIZ reads a paper as she walks toward Jack’s office. It
reads,
"OBAMA CONTINUES WIRETAPPING"
LIZ
Yes he can.
She reaches for the door to Jack’s office. She hears the
curious sound of JACK’S LAUGHTER from within.

INT. JACK’S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

LIZ pokes her head around the door.
LIZ
Jack? What’s going on?
JACK spins around in his chair and lays a manila folder on
the desk.
JACK
Lemon, come in. I’m reading through
old investigative reports on the
staff. It’s a hoot. I never
realized how strange people are
below the poverty line.
LIZ
Yeah...what is this again?
JACK
When I first arrived here I ordered
private investigations of the
entire corporate roster. Of course,
time only permitted me to read the
top three-thousand in detail.
LIZ
Of course.
JACK
So I’m catching up on the
secretaries, pages, et-cetera. Did
you know that one of the pages has
changed genders three times?
Including once to a made-up gender
called, "Florban."
 2.

LIZ
Oh. Yeah, don’t you think that’s a
little bit invasive?
JACK
No, Florbans don’t actually
penetrate one another.
LIZ
No, I mean, spying on your staff.
JACK
It’s not spying, Lemon. It’s just a
little personal research. It’s
nothing that’s not publicly known
or hilarious.
LIZ
Jack.
JACK tosses away the folder and grabs another one. He flips
through it while he talks.
JACK
Privacy is an illusion in today’s
age. The NSA’s listening, the
Chinese are listening...even we
wiretap on occasions.
CUT TO:

INT. LIZ’S OFFICE -- NIGHT

LIZ eats from a tub of ice-cream.
LIZ
Anyway, Mom, the doctor said it was
nothing to worry about until it
starts sprouting hairs.

INT. WRITING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS

JACK, PETE, FRANK, JENNA and TRACY stifle laughter as they
listen around the phone.
 3.

INT. JACK’S OFFICE -- PRESENT

LIZ indicates the newspaper she brought.
LIZ
Jack! That is a major infringement
of rights! We live in a democratic
country with freedoms, and rights,
and embarrassing growths.
JACK
Well, it seems that, right now,
those freedoms outweigh the rights.
LIZ
Yeah, well, that doesn’t make what
you’re doing okay. America means
protection and honesty and
justice...
JACK
Are you done?
LIZ
No. It means the right to speak
your opinion. And I say this is
wrong.
JACK
Would you like to see Cerie’s?
LIZ
Make it quick.
LIZ hops around the desk and peers over JACK’s shoulder.
JACK
Prom queen. Experimented in
college. Never received a speeding
ticket...
LIZ
Ooh! Had to get four moles removed.
That will take her down a peg.
JACK glances at LIZ.
LIZ
Yeah. If I were the kind of person
who would do that. What else is in
there?
JACK skips through the file.
 4.

JACK
Everything. Education, diet,
hobbies, fears... Let’s see,
lineage. I’d like to meet the woman
that baked that bun.
LIZ
Ew.
JACK flips the paper over. LIZ gawks at the page.
LIZ
It looks like you already have.
The page reads, PARENTAGE: LUNA HARDEN, JACK DONAGHY.
JACK grimaces.
JACK
Oh boy.

INT. HALLWAY OF 30 ROCK -- LATER

JACK and LIZ hustle down the hall.
JACK
I’ve called up Luna, Cerie’s
mother, and arranged to meet her at
her tennis club. If anybody asks
where I’ve gone, tell them I’ve
gone to the executive bathroom and
don’t try to disturb me. They’ll
know better anyway.
LIZ
Executive bathroom? But, Jack, how
do you even know if this is legit?
It could be a mistake, or just a
prank, you know?
JACK
Doubtful. My people are
professionals. Besides, it explains
the way that P.I. was acting.
CUT TO:
 5.

EXT. A SHADOWY DOCK -- NIGHT

A P.I. in a trench-coat and fedora meets JACK under a
street-light. They stare over the water. The P.I. speaks
from the corner of his mouth.
P.I.
I got the goods, Daddy-o. They’ll
arrive tomorrow, Pops.
JACK
Good work.
P.I.
Sure thing, Father.
JACK glances at the P.I.

INT. HALLWAY OF 30 ROCK -- CONTINUOUS

JACK shakes his head.
JACK
I just thought he was lonely.
He punches the elevator button.
LIZ
Yeah, but, that doesn’t prove
anything. Maybe he got confused.
I’m sure there are a lot of Jack
Donaghys out there.
JACK
First of all, Lemon, you should
know there’s only one Jack Donaghy.
Second, you’re forgetting Luna.
JACK steps onto the elevator.
LIZ
What about her?
JACK
(Mouths)
I did have sex with her.
JACK holds up ten fingers and nods.
JACK
(Mouths)
Ten.
 6.

LIZ rolls her eyes and walks away from the closing doors.

EXT. TENNIS CLUB -- OUTSIDE THE LADIES’ LOCKER -- LATER

JACK hovers at the door of the locker room. He checks his
watch.
TWO WOMEN come out and brush past JACK.
JACK
Luna?
LUNA turns around and smiles.
LUNA
Jack! Good to see you.
She continues toward the courts. JACK sees he’s being left
behind and catches up.
JACK
I set a meeting with your
assistant. We were supposed to meet
fifteen minutes ago.
LUNA
Yeah, but, Jack, it’s the club.
JACK
Yes?
LUNA
That’s it.
JACK follows the two women into a

EXT. TENNIS COURT -- CONTINUOUS

LUNA bounces a tennis ball and tests her shoes.
LUNA
Do you play?
JACK
No. Luna, I have to talk to you
about something important.
LUNA
Well, what’s that, Jacky dear?
 7.

JACK
I’d prefer to be in private.
LUNA
Sorry, Jack. Looks like you’re
going to have to play ball.
LUNA slaps a shot across the net. She plays a rally with her
friend as they converse.
JACK
Good, that’s...good, listen, I have
reason to believe that you and
I...that at one time...certain
events transpired, and...
LUNA gives JACK a side-ways glance before returning.
JACK
Did you birth my illegitimate
child?
LUNA
(Laughs)
Oh, Jack, is that what you came
about? Geez, I thought you were
going to tell me you wanted me back
or something ridiculous.
JACK
It’s not true, of course.
LUNA
No, it is.
JACK
I’m sorry?
LUNA
You mean Cerie? Yeah, she’s yours.
JACK
Why didn’t you tell me?
LUNA
Why would I? I was married to Jim
at the time. It would just
complicate things. Besides, I told
you.
JACK
You told me you were going to get
it taken care of.
 8.

LUNA
You mean, an abortion? Yeah, I
changed my mind. I was really
over-worked, and I didn’t have the
time or the money for an abortion.
I decided it would just be easier
to have the thing and get paid
maternity leave than to deal with a
clinic. And all those protesters...
JACK
You had our daughter because you
wanted the maternity leave?
LUNA
I had run out of vacation time.
JACK
So, what? Are you going to tell her
the truth?
LUNA
Why bother? It will just complicate
things.
JACK
That may be, but she is my
daughter. What if she were to find
out on her own?
LUNA
You haven’t met Cerie, have you
dear? Jack, relax. It’s not like
you have to get her a job at your
big company or something. She’ll
find some other rich man to mooch
off of.
JACK grimaces as LUNA slams an overshot.
LUNA
That’s set.

INT. WRITING ROOM -- LATER

JACK flocks the staff into the room.

JACK
Gather around everybody, I have an
important announcement to make.
Effective immediately, TGS will be
providing "abortion leave."
 9.

LIZ buries her head into her hand.

JACK
Should anyone need an abortion,
they will be provided with the same
compensation and off-time as they
would were they to have the baby.
JACK looks at CERIE. CERIE gives an awkward half-smile.
JACK
Thank you.
JACK exits.
The STAFF glances around at each other.
FRANK
What do you think that was about?
LIZ
Nothing. Just get back to work.
JENNA
I think it’s great. Abortion leave
is the kind of progressive thinking
that will really set me above my
peers. Plus, working in a
pro-women’s rights environment will
offset my image of being
pro-child-labor.
TRACY
What? That’s ridiculous. I think
Jack is making a terrible mistake.
Terrible! If he gives women rewards
for abortions, they’ll start to
think that abortions are okay.
JENNA
Tracy, a woman’s body is her own
business. It’s her choice, not
yours.
TRACY
I agree, except when they choose
wrong.
JENNA
Liz!
 10.

LIZ
What? We live in a free country. I
think Tracy should be allowed to
say what he thinks.
TRACY
Thank you, Liz Lemon.
KENNETH
I have to agree with Tracy.
Abortion is one of the deadliest
sins you can commit. The Bible
doesn’t even specifically reference
it, it’s so bad.
TRACY
That, and it’s gross! Every time my
wife has an abortion, she gets all
cranky and we can’t have sex for a
week.
All reel in disgust.
LIZ
Oh, god, Tracy!
TRACY
What? It’s true.
JENNA
Keep your personal life out of it.
A woman should be able to determine
what she does with her body. Not
men.
TRACY
I’m sorry. I simply can not condone
it.
KENNETH
And me either.
JENNA
Guys! You’re going to tarnish our
image of a progressive workplace.
What do you even care?
TRACY
I care because I care for you and
women everywhere.
 11.

KENNETH
Exactly.
TRACY
And I think it’s time that those
without voices were heard.
KENNETH
The unborn babies!
TRACY
No, Ken. People with laryngitis who
don’t like abortion. Let’s go. I
have an ad campaign to shoot.
TRACY and his ENTOURAGE peace out.
JENNA
What? Oh, no. I’ve got to stop him.
LIZ
Jenna, just leave it alone. I’m
sure he’ll just get distracted and
forget about it.
CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY OF 30 ROCK -- CONTINUOUS

TRACY stands a few feet away from the writer’s room. He
jingles his keys in front of his face.
TRACY
Shiny, AND jingly!

INT. WRITING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS

JENNA frowns.
LIZ
Besides, as crazy as I may be to
admit this, we live in a democracy,
and, if he wants to voice his
opinion, you can’t stop him.
JENNA
No, you’re right. I can’t stop him.
I have to speak out myself. And
I’ve got one thing he hasn’t got: a
professionally trained voice.
JENNA plants her feet and belts to the ceiling:
 12.

JENNA
("You Don’t Own Me," Leslie
Gore)
YOU DON’T OWN ME, I’M NOT JUST ONE
OF YOUR MANY TOYS...
LIZ
Oh, geez...
LIZ slips out of the office. JENNA steps onto the table.
JENNA
AND DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, AND
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO SAY!
The STAFF cowers and covers their ears.

INT. JACK’S OFFICE -- LATER

JACK looks up from his whiskey and beckons LIZ into the
room.
JACK
Lemon, I’m glad you’re here. I
wanted to make sure you hadn’t told
anyone.
LIZ
No, Jack, but I think you might be
over-reacting.
JACK
Am I? Blood-connections are
powerful. Women like Cerie are bred
to smell weakness. The only reason
I felt safe visiting her mother was
that she’s happily divorced and has
a successful line of hand-bags.
LIZ
Yeah, but...
JACK
Would you be averse to transferring
Cerie to Siberia?
LIZ
What? No, Jack. Besides, we don’t
even have an office in Siberia.
JACK raises his eyebrows.
CUT TO:
 13.

INT. SIBERIAN OFFICE -- DAY/NIGHT/WHO CAN TELL?

A blizzard pelts the windows. A PAGE and an EXECUTIVE huddle
together for warmth. They speak in Russian.
RUSSIAN PAGE
(Subcaption)
O, how the television plays!
Another moment, and we shall know
why we live and why we suffer.
RUSSIAN EXEC.
(Subcaption)
Have strength, Comrade. Think of
Moscow. O, Moscow!

INT. JACK’S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

LIZ shakes off the image.
LIZ
Well, I won’t let you send her
there. Nobody’s going to tell her.
So long as Luna stays quiet, she
has no way of knowing. Well, so
long as she and the NSA stay quiet.
JACK
And you, Liz?
LIZ
She’s already a pain as it is. I
wouldn’t want her flaunting you
too. "Look at me, look at me."
JACK
Right.
LIZ
The point is, you’re fine.
JACK suddenly squints over Liz’s shoulder. He picks up the
remote and turns up the volume.
LIZ
Crudge, already?
On the television:
 14.

INT. GYNECOLOGIST’S OFFICE

TRACY looks up from between a woman’s legs and takes the
stethoscope off.
TRACY
Did you know that the average woman
has six abortions per year?
Abortions that could grow up to be
just as hot and available as your
woman is. Don’t drink and drive.
"The More You Now" arcs across the screen.

INT. JACK’S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

The two of them stare at the screen. JACK hits mute.
LIZ
I don’t know if that was a typo or
an attempt to get around copyright
infringement.
JACK
A typo. He owns the rights to our
"More You Know" segments.
LIZ
How did that happen?
JACK
He won it in a contest.
LIZ
Right. Don’t you think that maybe
your new abortion leave policy
might cause a few problems?
JACK
Well, I will admit that I was
acting out of panic, but to back
down now would show weakness. I’ve
come off as progressive and
high-minded, and it’s set the
corporate world on fire. Whatever
potential backlash igniting a
debate could cause is minor
compared to...
JACK furrows his brow. He unmutes the television.
 15.

INT. A FIELD ON A FARM -- DAY

JENNA wears a false pregnant belly and holds a letter. She
gasps.
JENNA
What? Pregnant again?
She turns to her red-neck HUSBAND.
HUSBAND
But yer awlready preg-nent.
JENNA
I must be...double-pregnant!
The HUSBAND back-hands her. She falls to a dramatic pose on
the ground.
HUSBAND
Twins? Wiwth awl are bills, and yer
bisy schedule, how are we serposed
to afford TWO abortions?
JENNA
As God is my witness, as God is my
witness they’re not going to lick
me. I’m going to live through this,
and when it’s all over, I’ll never
be hungry again.
The screen cuts to a title card that reads, "SUPPORT WOMEN’S
CHOICE."
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Paid for by Jenna Maroney and other
high-minded progressives.

INT. JACK’S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

JACK mutes the t.v. and turns back to Liz.
JACK
I may have gotten more than I
bargained for.
 16.

INT. DRESSING ROOM -- NIGHT

TRACY zips up his futuristic spandex uniform.
LIZ walks into the room and looks up from her binder.
LIZ
Oh, hey, Tracy, listen. I wanted to
ask you to try to tone down the
abortion rights thing for a little
bit. It’s kind of getting out of
hand.
TRACY
No can do, Liz. I gotta spread what
I believe is right. If I didn’t, it
might actually turn out to be
wrong.
LIZ
Yeah, but can you maybe do that
without the public service
announcements? Maybe you could show
how you feel in the way you live
instead of going out of your way
with the commercials. That’s still
democratic, isn’t it?
TRACY
That’s true, Liz. I should make my
beliefs and my life be one in the
same. No more commercials. I
promise.
LIZ
Oh. Wow. Thanks.
TRACY
Sure thing. Now, excuse me, I gotta
go pretend to have an orgasm on
live television.
LIZ pats him on the back and sends him on his way.

INT. BACK-STAGE -- MOMENTS LATER

LIZ watches the sketch unfold.
 17.

INT. SOUND-STAGE -- CONTINUOUS

TRACY holds a little remote in his hand.
TRACY
You might be asking yourself when
it’s appropriate to use your new
orgasmotron. Let’s try it and find
out. When meeting new people. Hi,
new person.
TRACY extends his hand to an EXTRA. He presses the button
and convulses all over the woman. He then collects himself.
TRACY
Inappropriate.

INT. BACK-STAGE -- CONTINUOUS

JENNA sidles up to LIZ while adjusting her costume.
JENNA
Hey, Liz. Did you see my new ad?
It’s really something, huh?
LIZ
Yeah, it’s...something. Listen, I
got Tracy to promise to tone down
the abortion thing, could you maybe
do the same?
JENNA
You got Tracy to back down?
LIZ
He said he won’t do any more ads.
JENNA
Wow, Liz, I’m really impressed.

INT. SOUND-STAGE -- CONTINUOUS

TRACY sits in a church pew next to a NUN.
TRACY
In a church.
He convulses all over the NUN.
 18.

TRACY
Inappropriate.

INT. BACK-STAGE -- CONTINUOUS

JENNA continues to fidget with her costume.
JENNA
How did you get him to back down?
LIZ
I just talked to him on a level
plane with a cool head. Something
that a lot of people could try when
discussing the big issues.
JENNA
I guess you’re right.

INT. SOUND-STAGE -- CONTINUOUS

TRACY hovers over a tangled pile of convulsing men and
women.
TRACY
Don’t panic! I’m a pro!
He turns out to the audience.
TRACY
Pro-lifer, that is.
The AUDIENCE laughs awkwardly.

INT. BACK-STAGE -- CONTINUOUS

LIZ and JENNA gape at the stage.
JENNA
What?
LIZ
Oh, no.
 19.

INT. SOUND-STAGE -- CONTINUOUS

TRACY pulls the pile apart.
TRACY
This is not according to plan! But
neither is parenthood.

INT. BACK-STAGE -- CONTINUOUS

JENNA storms toward her entrance. LIZ grabs her.
LIZ
Jenna, wait!
JENNA
Don’t worry, Liz. I’ll be the
better woman. I won’t say a thing.

INT. SOUND-STAGE -- CONTINUOUS

TRACY slips and falls on his "orgasmotron." He convulses on
the floor. He pauses to exclaim:
TRACY
Don’t kill something you’re not
going to eat!
JENNA bursts into the scene of convulsing bodies. Her
costume is now visible: it includes multiple fake bellies,
including one on her back.
JENNA
Oh no! It’s an orgasmocrash!
LIZ buries her face in her hands.

INT. WRITING ROOM -- LATER

JACK paces before the writing table. LIZ and the rest of the
staff watches from the corner of the room.
JENNA and A WOMAN sit on one side of the table. TRACY and
KENNETH on the other.
JACK
I’ve brought you all here at Liz’s
request so we can hold a final
forum and resolve our differences.
 20.

LIZ
Yeah. Democratically. The way our
country was made. To listen to, not
listen in on.
JACK
Right.
LIZ
While on the phone discussing
private growths, for instance.
FRANK and PETE exchange looks.
JACK
Right. So we’re going to try to
resolve this once and for all.
Representing the pro-life side is
Tracy and Kenneth, and representing
the pro-choice side is Jenna and...
uh... I’m sorry, I don’t know who
you are.
WOMAN
Seriously? I’ve been on the writing
team since before you took over.
FRANK
Really?
WOMAN
Yes!
PETE shrugs at LIZ. LIZ shakes her head.
WOMAN
Don’t any of you know my name?
FRANK
Hey, that reminds me, has anybody
seen Josh recently?
All become quiet and avoid eye-contact.
FRANK
Nobody? I mean, he still works
here...right?...he used to be a
principle player around here...
JACK
Anyway. Jenna. Your table.
 21.

JENNA
Tracy. You aren’t a woman. You
wouldn’t understand what it’s like.
TRACY
Correction. I am not currently a
woman. I reserve the right to
change that at any time.
JACK catches eye-contact with CERIE.
JACK
Have you been having a good day?
CERIE
Uh...yeah.
JACK
Good. Anything new?
CERIE
I mean, there’s a new vending
machine.
JACK
Right.
JENNA throws her hands in a dramatic gesture.
JENNA
So I guess I just have to do
whatever men say now, huh?
TRACY
This is bigger than just men and
women. This is about humanity.
KENNETH
That’s right. And our eternal
souls.
WOMAN
I don’t even believe in souls.
All stare at the WOMAN.
FRANK tries to sneak an ogle at CERIE as she digs through
her desk. JACK slaps him on the head.
FRANK
Hey! What was that for?
 22.

JACK
Show some respect to your peers.
FRANK
Geez, alright.
FRANK limps away with his wounded ego. CERIE looks at JACK.
JACK
Uh... carry on.
JENNA stands up.
JENNA
Who are you to tell me that it’s
wrong?
TRACY
I will not let punctuation get in
the way of healthy, freaky sex
lives.
JENNA
I don’t think you even know what
abortion is!
TRACY
And I don’t think you know what
freaky means!
JENNA
Oh, believe me, I do!
JACK
Alright! Five minutes. Everybody
take a breather. Liz, come on.
JACK drags LIZ into her office.

INT. LIZ’S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

JACK shuts the door behind him.
JACK
I’m losing it out there. I can’t
hold it together.
LIZ
Yeah, what is going on with you?
 23.

JACK
I don’t know! I can’t help myself.
It’s like some kind of paternal
instinct has kicked in. I suddenly
just want to coddle her.
LIZ
Yikes.
JACK
Don’t patronize me, Lemon, you
stole a baby.
LIZ
Alright, well, what’s the big deal
anyway? Just tell her. I mean,
maybe it would be a good thing.
JACK
You don’t understand. It’s too much
leverage. She has the upper hand.
If she were to know, I could be
ruined. My life could be over.
LIZ
How? Doesn’t, like, every C.E.O.
have an illegitimate child they’re
hiding?
JACK
One and a half, on average. No,
it’s not the corporate world I’m
worried about...
SHOUTING from inside the writer’s room interrupts him.
LIZ
What is going on out there?

INT. WRITING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS

LIZ and JACK find TRACY point a finger at JENNA.
JENNA
I don’t know what you’re talking
about.
TRACY
Yes you do! You do it!
 24.

LIZ
Tracy, what is going on?
TRACY
I just figured it out, Liz Lemon!
Jenna has abortions! That’s why
she’s so angry!
JENNA
That is patently false!
TRACY
Oh yeah? Then explain what these
are for?
TRACY holds up a bag of "JUMBO-FLOW" tampads.
TRACY
Yeah! I found them in your purse.
Now everybody knows!
FRANK
Oh, gross.
PETE
I knew it.
LIZ snatches the tampads out of TRACY’s hands.
LIZ
You had no right to do that. Now
you’ve embarrassed her.
TRACY
What? Oh no. Don’t tell me you too?
LIZ
What?
TRACY
You have abortions too!
KENNETH
Oh, no! Not you too, Liz!
WOMAN
No, she doesn’t!
TRACY
They all have abortions! Come on,
Kenneth, we gotta get out of here!
 25.

KENNETH
Yes sir, Mr. Jordan.
LIZ
Tracy, where are you going?
TRACY
I’m going to expose all of you!
TRACY and KENNETH storm out of the room. LIZ shoots JACK a
look and chases after them.
JACK finds himself beside CERIE.
JACK
So, how about you? Pro-choice?
Or...
CERIE stares at JACK. He makes a tactful exit.

INT. HALLWAY OF 30 ROCK -- CONTINUOUS

LIZ finds TRACY and KENNETH at the elevator.
LIZ
Tracy, stop. You can’t do this.
TRACY
Too late, Liz. It’s already done.
The press conference is waiting for
me.
LIZ
You don’t understand. You’re going
to alienate a lot of our female
viewers if you do this.
TRACY
I don’t care about the alien
viewers right now. They don’t even
reproduce the same way as we do.
LIZ
No, I mean, you’re going to lose
women fans.
TRACY
Liz, I’m doing this because I’m a
fan of the women. Now, excuse me.
KENNETH nods and follows TRACY into the elevator.
 26.

LIZ
Crudge!

INT. WRITING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

LIZ finds the room dark and empty.
LIZ
Hello? Guys?
She flips on the light. The florescents generate a low HUM.
FRANK, letting out a short yell, pops up from behind the
snack bar. JENNA and PETE poke their heads out from behind
him. This is all very reminiscent of a scene in A New Hope.
LIZ
What are you doing hiding there?
FRANK
It wasn’t my fault, Liz. Please
don’t fire me. I told her not to
go, but she’s faulty,
malfunctioning; kept babbling on
about trying to seduce Jack.
LIZ
Oh, no!

INT. PRESS CONFERENCE -- LATER

TRACY clips a lavaliere on his shirt. He notices JENNA stand
on a podium next to him.
TRACY
What are you doing here?
JENNA
I’m preparing for my own press
conference.
TRACY
What?
JENNA
If you’re going to say we all have
abortions, then I’m going to say
all men are rapists.
 27.

TRACY
That’s ridiculous, and it minimizes
the real pain felt by actual rape
victims.
JENNA
Well, uh...then I’m going to say
that men are having abortions every
time they spank the monkey.
TRACY
That’s not fair!
JENNA
Too bad!

INT. JACK’S OFFICE RECEPTION -- CONTINUOUS

LIZ catches CERIE with her hand on Jack’s door.
LIZ
Wait, Cerie! Stop!
CERIE
What?
LIZ
Don’t do it, Cerie. He hasn’t been
hitting on you.
CERIE
Yeah, he was. You haven’t been hit
on much, have you?
LIZ
No, I know it seems like he was,
but I promise you he wasn’t. You’re
making a huge mistake. I mean,
don’t you want to be taken
seriously, and...I mean, what if he
just used you, or...for god’s sake,
he’s old enough to be your father!
CERIE stares at Liz blankly.
LIZ
Weren’t you getting married?
CERIE
It can wait. My future is more
important.
CERIE goes into the office and shuts the door behind her.
 28.

LIZ
No, wait!
LIZ finds the door locked.
LIZ
This is going to be weird.

INT. PRESS CONFERENCE -- CONTINUOUS

TRACY pouts over his podium.
TRACY
This isn’t fair! Me-time is
important for me.
JENNA
This isn’t about being fair. It’s
about being right.
TRACY
But that would mean I half-abort
like...ten times a day. That can’t
be right. That’s five whole
abortions a day! Plus I don’t get
cranky or have to wait for a week
after.
JENNA
What?
TRACY
When my wife has her half-abortion,
I have to wait a week until we can
have sex again. It’s terrible! A
week! That’s a quarter of a month!
JENNA
Tracy, are you talking about
periods?
TRACY
Exactly! Yes. The only time they
stop is when she stays pregnant.
JENNA
Tracy, periods are not
half-abortions.
TRACY
They’re not?
 29.

JENNA
No! They’re totally natural. Women
can’t control it.
TRACY
You mean, you couldn’t make it
stop, even if you wanted to? Then,
why are you pro-choice?
JENNA
Because I can choose whether I want
an abortion or not.
TRACY
Oh! And you could choose not to?
JENNA
Exactly. It’s periods you don’t
like.
ASSISTANT
Tracy, you’re on.
TRACY looks into the camera.
TRACY
I would like to announce that I’m
totally cool with abortions. I
would also like to announce that I
am starting an initiative to
scientifically fix periods. Thank
you.

INT. JACK’S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

JACK stares at CERIE as she slinks toward him.
JACK
Hello, Cerie. How can I help you?
CERIE
I just wanted to come up and see if
there was anything I could do for
you?
JACK
You know. Who told you? Was it your
mother? The NSA? China?
CERIE
Nobody told me. It was obvious.
 30.

JACK
Don’t bother with the game. It was
Lemon, wasn’t it? It doesn’t
matter. Let’s not kid ourselves.
JACK sits on the desk next to her.
JACK
I wasn’t there for you. How could I
have been? I didn’t know. My father
wasn’t there for me either. Just my
mother. My horrible mother. I know
that detachment, how hard it is not
to have a strong male influence.
But then you did have a someone,
you had Jim. I didn’t have anyone.
CERIE
It’s a little early for emotions.
JACK
You’re right. One step at a time.
Maybe a ball game. No, that’s
ridiculous, that’s a guy thing. How
about we go for dinner and you can
tell me about yourself? No, I
already know everything about you.
Good work on beating the speech
impediment, by the way.
CERIE
(Suddenly self-consciously
sibilant)
That’s kind of personal at this
stage.
JACK
Is it? God, I don’t know what to do
in this situation. It’s all so
complicated. Maybe Lemon was right.
Maybe it’s best not to turn some
stones over. Maybe life works
better when some things are hidden.
CERIE
I mean, I can just go.
JACK
No, let’s not make this any harder
than it is. You want something,
don’t you? Is it money? A better
position in the company? Your own
line of hand-bags?
 31.

CERIE
I mean, someday, but...
JACK
And you’re prepared to face the
public humiliation your previous
father might feel?
CERIE
You don’t hit on women very often,
do you?
JACK
That’s a strange thing to ask
your--
JACK stands and paces.
JACK
You don’t know, do you?
CERIE
Know what? Mr. Donaghy, what are
you talking about?
JACK
Cerie, if I asked you to go back to
work and disregard this entire day,
would you do it for me?
CERIE
Sure thing, Mr. Donaghy. You know,
if you have trouble talking to
women, my friends and I could take
you out to a club someday and help
you get more comfortable with
yourself.
JACK
Thanks, Cerie. I appreciate that.

INT. JACK’S OFFICE RECEPTION -- CONTINUOUS

CERIE smiles at LIZ as she passes.

INT. JACK’S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

LIZ finds JACK staring out of the window.
 32.

LIZ
So how bad is it? Alabama bad?
Arkansas bad? Should I start
calling you Lot? It’s a...Bible
reference...
JACK
She thought I was flirting with
her.
LIZ
Yeah. Yeah, she did.
JACK
Dodged a bullet.
LIZ
Yes, I think this was much more
preferable to the truth.
JACK
In this case, I think the truth was
best left hidden. Some private
matters can only hurt us if in the
wrong hands. But, for now, I’m
safe. She thinks I’m just another
creepy old man who can’t relate to
women.
LIZ
Another woman misled, huh?
JACK shoots LIZ a look.
LIZ
What exactly were you so afraid of,
anyway? What leverage would she
have had? You said that the
corporate world doesn’t care, and
legally you don’t owe her anything.
JACK
Oh, no, Lemon. There’s something
much worse. Someone who would make
this information intolerable, a
quagmire of pain and remorse.
LIZ
Who’s that? Your conscience?
JACK
No, Lemon. Worse: my mother.
 33.

FADE OUT:
THE END.