Funny Stories By /u/PoliticalSlut

FADE IN: INT. DANNYS HOUSE - BASEMENT - NIGHT Four BROS in their twenties sit around a table, drinking beers and playing cards. It is a dimly lit basement, clearly home to a college student home for the summer. Posters hang on the walls, laundry lies dirty on the ground, and trash is everywhere. DANNY (20s), with shaggy brown hair and an "OBEY PROPAGANDA" T-shirt, surveys the cards on the table. Then he throws his own cards down. DANNY (disgusted) Fuck this. Im out, dude. There are groans from around the table. ALL Come on, man... Youre always fucking folding... Grow a pair... DANNY Gotta hold on to my money!! PAT, dressed in a more respectable blue polo with a Best Buy name tag reading "PAT" takes another drink. PAT Thats the thing, man. You aint gonna make money that way. DANNY Least I didnt lose money your way. PAT (good natured) Fuck you. NOAH, a somewhat nerdier friend with glasses and a sweatshirt on, rolls his eyes. NOAH You guys wanna hear my story or not? DANNY Definitely not. DREW, a twentysomething who is dressed like he has come from a day at a successful law firm, pats Noah on the back. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

2.

DREW Some other time. Listen. The other day Rob and I are on the Commons, right outside of, like Park Street. PAT Where that fucking cop stopped Danny? Laughs all around. DREW Yeah, so were sitting on a bench, waiting for the movie to start, and these two random guys walk up... EXT. BOSTON COMMON - DAY (FLASHBACK) Drew and ROB, a more heavyset guy with a hoodie and headphones around his neck, sit on a bench. All the dialogue is silent, spoken at the same time by Drew as a voiceover. Two MORMONS walk up, dressed in white shirts and black ties with name tags. They have backpacks and the eager look that comes with doing the Lords work. DREW (V.O.) They look like these huge fucking squares, but were just a little bit fucking high, so were trying to keep a straight face. The Mormons give a silent speech to the two guys, who smile dumbly back at them, trying not to laugh. DREW (V.O.) And then one of the guys asks, "have you heard of Jesus?" INT. DANNYS HOUSE - BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS The guys laugh and their card game continues. DREW Show me one person in the world who hasnt heard of fucking Jesus.

3. EXT. BOSTON COMMON - CONTINUOUS(FLASHBACK) The Rob and Drew snicker, trying to hold it in. DREW (V.O.) We almost lost our shit, but we didnt wanna be assholes, so we said yes, they gave us their Book of Mormon and they walk away. The guys burst out in blazed laughter at the retreating figures of the Mormons. JUMP CUT TO: Drew and Rob talk on the bench. DREW (V.O.) So were talking, and then Rob says hes heard of how martial arts instructors punch shit to make their hands stronger! DANNY (V.O.) No. Youre kidding me. Rob mimes punching in the air, looks around for something. Drew holds up the Book of Mormon and Rob begins to punch it. Not out of malice, theyve just forgotten its sacred text. DREW (V.O.) So were fucking punching this book, their whole goddamn bible, and then we look up. The boys look up. The Mormons look on with horrified/sad looks on their faces. The boys react immediately. DREW (V.O.) Theyre fucking watching us punch their bible. So we bailed. INT. DANNYS HOUSE - BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS All attention is on Drew now. Everyone but Noah is laughing and smiling at the story. DREW (CONT) But you know what? I can punch better now! He starts to wind up on Noah, who FLINCHES. Everyone laughs.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: DANNY You guys are fucking idiots. NOAH I have a funny story too. About two weeks ago Im walking down an alley off Newbury. Its late, like eleven oclock. EXT. NEWBURY STREET ALLEY - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

4.

Noah walks down a dark, sketchy alley. He looks around, wary. The whole story is told in the air of a funny story, as if he expects everyone to laugh at it. NOAH (V.O.) Im a little bit buzzed. But my house is really close, so I decide to walk it. Suddenly, I hear something behind me. Its a shadow. PAT (V.O.) You heard a shadow? NOAH (V.O.) I heard something and then saw a shadow. Noah spins around. Something moves in front of the camera. NOAH (V.O.)(CONT) So Im like, "hello?" But I dont hear anything. Then I turn back around. As he turns, he comes face to face with a MURDERER in a bandana and hood. The guy prods Noahs chest with a gun. NOAH (V.O.)(CONT) Some dudes right in front of me, gun to my chest. He looks me dead in the eyes and goes, "gun-related homicide, or gun-related suicide?" The murderer MOUTHS the words on screen at the same time. NOAH (V.O.)(CONT) I freak the fuck out. Im pleading, begging for my life, listing the things Ill do if only God will spare me, promising to be a better person and turn things around. But he repeats, homicide or suicide. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

5.

The way Noah and the murderer mouth the words along to the telling of the story makes it almost comical. NOAH (V.O.)(CONT) And Ive never been the kind of guy to let someone else finish me off, so I grab the gun, put it in my mouth, and pull the fucking trigger. But guess what?! Gun fucking misfires, Im down, middle of the alleyway, crying, guy freaks and leaves, shouts over his shoulder "Warble, child; make passionate my gazebo of hearing" and as I say that I think I might have hallucinated it, but next thing I know Im propped up against some trash cans with blood everywhere. INT. DANNYS HOUSE - BASEMENT - CONTINUOUS NOAH (CONT) (like a punchline) Moral of the story: wasnt even my blood. Everyone stares at him, dumbfounded by the horrifying story they have just heard and the nonchalant retelling of it. There is a beat of an awkward silence, and then, to save it: NOAH (CONT) And then I punched a fucking bible! Hysterical laughs all around as the tension is broken. Noahs turn into tears and then back to laughter. PAT I call bullshit on Drews story. Back to talking and laughing and being bros as we: FADE OUT. THE END