Charlie Danger,

Private Detective

As written by W. T. Samsel.
2010

18672 words

Part One
It was a cold, windy day as I sat behind my desk in my cozy little office waiting for a phone to ring that lately, hadnt been ringing enough. I sat staring blankly at the wall listening to the sultry sound of the sax player down the hall practicing for his next weekends gig. I was trying to decide if I should get up and fix myself yet another drink. Suddenly, the door burst open and a beautiful blonde bombshell in a fancy evening dress that fit just right in just the right places strolled into the room. She stood there in her spiked heels looking utterly gorgeous and at the same time, a little bit dangerous. I say dangerous because in her pretty little hand was a great, big, 38 caliber snub-nosed Smith and Wesson and the business end was pointing right at my ticker. Are you Charlie Danger? That all depends baby. I said. Whats up with all the firepower? She looked at me with a perfect set of great, big, bluegreen eyes. Its a precaution Mr. Danger. Her voice was low and sexy. Im a little nervous lately. Maybe we ought to talk about it. I said as I gestured toward a chair. Sit yourself down beautiful. Making sure to keep the barrel of that .38 pointed right at my heart, she slowly seated herself down, crossing her legs. Those were some legs too, shaped just right and wrapped in nylon. I need your help Mr. Danger. She purred. But first I need to know if I can trust you. Well, you can put away that pea-shooter baby. I said as I lit up a cigarette. And then you can start by givin me something to go on.

She shrugged and put the gun away in her purse while casually switching her legs around. Im talking extortion, high crimes, blackmail, slavery, high treason and murder Mr. Danger. Are you up to it? Look, Im gonna level with you baby. I said. If you tell me what you got, Ill help you if I can. Otherwise, youre barking up the wrong tree. Look Mr. Danger, it all has to do with Big Brother and secret government and a plot to bring down the entire United States and install a one-world government and a New World Order. She took a cigarette from a silver case, placed it in a long ebony cigarette holder and looked at me expectantly. I got up, came around the desk, struck a match and held it out to her as she lit up and puffed out a blue cloud of smoke that just sort of lingered in the air. You just said a mouthful baby, but you need to be a whole lot more specific. I said. Her smile disappeared Sure thing Danger. She said. How about the biggest financial heist in the history of mankind? I looked at her quizzically. Baby, youre way out there. A blush of anger spread over her face. Thats just it Danger! She pointed a perfectly manicured forefinger at me. Youre being ripped off. Were all being ripped off. You an me and every other dumb sucker in this country! Tell me somethin I dont know already baby. I said. Have you noticed how you cant afford a friggin thing anymore Danger? Your money is worth less and less! You just keep busting your ass all the time but youre fallin behind while everything else goes to shit around you! I snuffed out my cigarette in one of them cheap, aluminum ashtrays I pick up from the local dives. Youre talkin crazy baby, I said. Why dont you try bein on the level with me? Suddenly all the anger and emotion shed been holding back seemed to burst out of her in one big gush!

Whats the matter Danger? Dont you get it? Its all a part of the plan to bring us down! You, me and all of the little people . . . all of the decent, good, honest people out there Mr. Danger! Why? Because a bunch of dirty rotten rats cant get enough and they want it all! Stop it baby, youre breakin my heart. I said as I sat back down in my chair and put my feet up on the desk. Just how do I figure into the picture? She sat there lookin at me with those big blue bedroom eyes and smiled. Word on the street has it that youre an OK guy Danger. I hear youre the kind of guy that wont sit still for that kind of crap. There was something about her that I couldnt quite put my finger on . . . at least not from where I sat. OK baby. I replied. You win. I get seventy five bucks a day plus expenses. She reached into her purse, pulled out three crisp one hundred-dollar bills and slid them across my desk. Well just call this a retainer. She said. She got up and headed for the door, then paused and smiled back at me seductively. You play your cards right mister and you might get a whole lot more. She cooed. Ill be seein you. With that said, she made her exit, the door slamming shut behind her. She was gone just like that. Still . . . the scent of her perfume lingered in the room. And then all of a sudden, all hell broke loose! Three bullets came slashing through the window behind me! They were so close, I felt them buzz right past my head! One took out my desk lamp, the other two buried themselves in the wall. And then, as if that werent enough, three more bullets came whizzing through the glass of my office door and buried themselves in the front of my desk! It seemed like things were starting off with a bang all right or more precisely, three bangs from behind and three from the front! That meant there had to be two shooters!

I dove for the floor and lay there as several more bullets buzzed through the air! When the smoke and dust settled, I threw on my hat and coat and very cautiously made my way to the street and my second-hand Nash convertible. I headed to the Flamingo Bar and Grill over on 46 th street. The guy who ran the joint was a man named Joe who knew everything and everybody. I parked the Nash and went inside where it was dark an smoky an full of fowl smells and lonely, down an out people buryin their sorrows at the bottom of a bottle. I stepped up to the bar and was greeted by the man himself. Hey Mr. Danger, my favorite shamus. Joe the bartender, overweight and slovenly was polishing glasses with a soiled old towel. Youre the man, Joe. You want the usual Mr. Danger? Sure thing Joe. I replied as I slid a ten spot on the bar in front of him. Tell me somethin Joe, whats the word out on the street? He looked around to make sure nobody could overhear him and said, Word is, Mr. Danger, that were all screwed! You, me and all the rest of them dupes out there! Were screwed, blued and tattooed . . . and most dumb suckers dont even know it! I took a sip of the scotch he handed me. Thats what I figured. I replied. Whats it all about Mr. Danger? I pulled out a cigarette. Joe struck a match and held it out for me. I lit up. The usual bullshit Joe. I said. I just got a visit from a sexy dame packin a .38 an talking murder and mayhem. No sooner does she walk out the door, than bullets start flyin through my office, all of em lookin for me! Was she a sexy looking blonde bombshell in a fancy evening dress with spiked heels and all the time wavin around a long cigarette holder? Bingo. I said.

Joe smiled. I can tell ya shes with the Peoples Constitutional Restoration Army. Word has it theres a big price on her head. Homeland Security wants her bad. This just keeps getting curiouser an curiouser. I replied. I finished off my drink and slapped another ten bucks down on the bar. Looks like this thing could get real interesting real fast. You be careful Mr. Danger. said the bartender. This is all big league stuff an these guys play for keeps. I hear ya Joe. I said. But Danger is my name. I plopped down another ten spot, turned and walked out of the joint. I got in my car and started heading down 41 st street. What was I lettin myself in for? What would I have to go through to get to the bottom of this case? The whole thing gave me the creeps. I didnt like it one bit. And then all of a sudden I heard that familiar, low, sexy voice coming from the back seat of my Nash! Dont look now Mr. Danger, but were being followed. It was the sexy blonde bombshell in the fancy evening dress with the spiked heels and the long, cigarette holder. Fancy meetin you here baby. I said casually. Any idea whos tailin us? She struck a match, lit up a cigarette and said, Its a car-load of fat, traitorous bankers and corporate CEOs lookin to sell out this country! You want I should lose em? I asked. No Mr. Danger. You just keep on driving the car. Ill handle these scum-bags. Before I could say or do anything, there was a deafening roar as she fired off the bazooka that shed pulled out of her purse! The shell took out my rear window, filling the car with smoke. It flew through the air, penetrated the other cars windshield and exploded, turning the vehicle into a blazing inferno! It swerved and crashed off the road. Serves the dirty bastards right. She sighed as she stuffed the bazooka back into her purse. Sorry about your window Mr. Danger. Just add it to your expenses.

Its getting awful hot on this trail baby. I said over my shoulder to her. How about tellin me what gives? I do Mr. Danger. She purred in my ear. And rather well, I might add. That kind of talk started my temperature rising. Pull over here Mr. Danger, now! she said with urgency. I slammed on the brakes and ground the Nash to a halt! No sooner had I thrown the brake and killed the engine, than she jumped out through the broken window and disappeared into the night. She was gone! It wasnt quite what I expected. So there I sat; on the side of the road, alone in my Nash with the rear window blown out. Just what the hell had I become involved in? Was I falling for this dame that had come waltzing into my world with her drop-dead looks and her crazy jargon? Something told me I better drop the whole thing like a hot potato. I had nothing at all to go on. At that point I figured the best thing I could do was head back to my office. As I parked the car, I wondered how much it was gonna cost to replace the rear window. In the elevator on the way to my floor, all I could think of was the mystery woman. Who was she? What was her game? Why come to me? I walked through my bullet-riddled door and stepped over the bloody corpse in the middle of the floor before I realized that it hadnt been there when I left! Jesus Christ! How did it get there? Who the hell was it? I knelt down and turned over the body. This wasnt just any old corpse. It was the bullet-riddled body of Thomas Jefferson and clutched in his cold, dead hand was the burned and tattered remains of the Constitution of the United States of America! I froze there, stunned by what lay before me. Should I call the cops? No, that would just complicate things. There was only one thing to do! I immediately began gathering up some old newspapers and a roll of duct tape.

Twenty minutes later what little was left of the Constitution was hidden safely away in my office. I had the body wrapped and secured so that I could lug it down the hall and out to the car. The hour was late and with no one around, I accomplished that task without too much difficulty. I stuffed the body into the trunk, got in the car and headed off towards Central Park. Later on that night, I found myself back at the Flamingo Bar and Grill. I was standing at the bar talking to Joe. Back again so soon Mr. Danger? Looks that way Joe. I said as I lit up a smoke. Say, have you heard anything more on that mystery woman? He poured me another scotch. You mean the sexy lookin blonde bombshell with the fancy evening dress, spiked heels and a long cigarette holder? Thats the one. I said. Ive got to find her. He placed the bottle on the bar in front of me. Are you sure you wanna get involved Mr. Danger? Im already in it up to my neck. I said. What gives? The man looked a little nervous to me. Sweat was breaking out on his forehead. He busied himself wiping the same spot on the bar over an over, like itd never come clean. You know . . . I been doin some thinkin about it. He said. What if this dame is the one that tried to gun you down in your office? Who was inside that car that she blew to smithereens? And how do you know it wasnt her that whacked Jefferson? The look of surprise on my face stuck out like a sore thumb. How the hell do you know all that? Lets just say that word gets around. He whispered, Aint that why you shamuses all come to me for information an answers to all of your questions? Well I dont like it Joe. I said, Somethin stinks! You can say that again, Mr. Danger! It reeks Joe! Somethin awful, Mr. Danger!

By the time I left the Flamingo, it was late and cold and I was fallin down drunk! I made my way to my car and was about to slip the key into the lock when I heard a noise behind me! Suddenly something smashed me in the back of my head and the lights went out! I dont know how long I was out. When I came to, I found myself totally enveloped in plastic! It turned out that I was tied and gagged and wrapped in a body bag! Suddenly a knife appeared right before my eyes! Dont worry Mr. Danger, said a familiar, sexy voice. Ill have you out of there in a jiffy! It was the mystery lady and she was cutting me free from my wrappings! As far as I could tell, we were both inside of a garbage dumpster in the alley behind Lees Happy China Restaurant. How did you find me here? I asked. Lets just say I can smell trouble Mr. Danger. she said, And it looks like you got yourself into quite a fix. When we had finally extricated ourselves from the dumpster, we made our way over to her shiny new Hudson. Do you think you can stay out of trouble for the rest of the night Mr. Danger? she said as she got in the car. Trouble is my business. I told her. Without another word, she took off and left me standin there with a dumb look on my face. I made my way back to my Nash and drove home to my rented Airstream trailer on a vacant lot on 45th street. One thing was sure. . . I needed another drink. Once at my place, I poured my drink, splashed some cold water in my face and had a change of clothes. I rooted around in the refrigerator and found a ham sandwich that didnt have too much mold on it. I turned on the television set and sat down in my armchair. It was then that I noticed the bullet-riddled corpse lying in a pool of blood on the floor in the middle of the trailer! I knelt down and turned over the body. It wasnt just any old bullet-riddled corpse. I couldnt believe what lay there in front of me! The bloody corpse on the floor was none other than that of Paul Revere!

Somebody had taken a machine gun to him. There was a bloody note clasped tightly in his hand. I pried it loose and read it. It gave me the creeps. To Mr. Charles Danger . . . one if by economic collapse, two if by false-flag terrorism. He had obviously been trying to warn me of something! Who had murdered the man? How did Paul Reveres note fit into the picture? What could it possibly have to do with my mysterious new client? How was I going to get rid of the body? I immediately started looking around the place for some old newspapers and duct tape . . .

Charlie Danger, Private Detective Part Two . . .

After my second trip that day to the Central Park, I headed back to my office. Maybe if I could fit together all the pieces of this puzzle, it just might begin making some kind of sense. Or then again, maybe not. You never knew. As I pulled into the parking lot, a guy jumped out from behind the bushes and pointed a machine gun at me! Without hesitation, I swerved towards him before he could fire and I felt the double thump as he went under the tires! I parked the Nash and got out. Just as I thought, there was no damage to the car! Thats when I felt the Bowie knife whiz past my head so close that Im sure it took some hair with it! I swung around fast with my gun in hand but whoever had thrown the knife was gone! I made it to the elevator without any further incident. When the door opened, I stepped inside and pushed the button for the fifth floor. The elevator started to move and it was only then that I noticed the bloody, bullet-riddled body that lay crumpled and dead in the corner of the elevator! I

knelt down for a closer look and was horrified at what I found! It wasnt just any old corpse! It was Betsy Ross! She had obviously been tortured and bludgeoned to death before being shot multiple times with a high-powered automatic weapon! Clasped tightly in her tiny little hand were the shredded remnants of Old Glory! She was not a pretty sight. Just then, the elevator arrived at my floor. The bell rang, the door opened, and I had no choice but to leave her there! Somebody else would happen upon her dead body. When I got to the office there was a surprise waiting for me. It was the blonde bombshell in the fancy evening dress with the spiked heels and a long cigarette holder! What are you doin here baby? Just call me Kinky. She said seductively. Itll save you a lot of writing. OK baby. I said as I seated myself at my desk. Why dont you start by explaining to me who you are and what you want? Im up to my neck in dead bodies and I dont like it! And besides that, somebodys trying awfully hard to bump me off and I dont like that either. Its time to come clean sister because my patience is startin to wear thin! She looked at me with those great big beautiful eyes that could melt a mans heart just like an ice cream bar in a blast furnace. Keep your pants on Danger. She purred. The whole thing is too complicated. Youd be in over your head. Besides, Im afraid its too late. Its never too late baby. The explosion came as a complete surprise! One moment I was sitting there conversing with my client, and then suddenly I was flying backwards through the air as my desk exploded into a million tiny pieces! Fire, flame, smoke and debris flew everywhere for that brief moment! And then everything went black. When I finally came to . . . I seemed to be floating somehow in what looked like a white cloud. I turned around

and saw a middle aged man with long hair and wire-rimmed spectacles lookin at me strangely. Who are you? I asked through the mist. The man looked at me and smiled. I am the walrus! he replied. There was a rush of wind and a voice whispered, Mary and then the haze turned purple and a tall, thin black man appeared! He knelt before a flaming electric guitar! Strange sounds came screamin through my brain! Before I could do or say anything else, the smoke cleared away and I found myself lying on the floor, covered with debris, in what used to be my office. Everything was completely destroyed! I was lucky to be alive! And Kinky was nowhere to be seen! Had she given me the slip again or had she been blown to smithereens? I didnt think so or else she would have been spattered all over the walls and the ceiling. I couldnt just lie around in the debris trying to figure it all out! I got up, dusted myself off and headed for my car.

To be continued . . . Charlie Danger meets Shurelock Homes.

I finally got back to my rented Airstream on the vacant lot on 45th street. What with exploding offices, missing gorgeous bombshells and one hell of a headache, I wasnt feeling quite up to par. You can imagine my surprise when I walked in the door and found a stranger sitting in my easy chair reading the late edition of the New York Times! His dress was peculiar, he was smoking a pipe and when he spoke, I knew right off that he was a Limey!

You must be Charles Danger. He said, Allow me to introduce myself. I am Shurelock Homes and Ive come all the way from London on a matter of the utmost urgency. Well Im glad you made yourself right at home Mr. Homes, but hows about you cut the chatter and get to the point? Ive had a hard day and it looks like its about to get even worse. I took off what was left of my hat and coat and poured myself a drink. My curious trailer guest neatly folded an laid aside the newspaper. Mr. Danger, according to these most recent reports, a Miss Kinky McGuire is being sought by your NYPD in connection to several murders and her involvement in some sort of classified international intrigue. I threw back a stiff belt of scotch and poured myself another one. Bodies have been piling up ever since she waltzed into my office. I said. And it seems somebody doesnt want me snooping around. Whats the dope? I highly suspect that she is Lady Eleanor Chittlesworth. replied Mr. Homes, She slipped out of London three months ago after attempting to kill the Prime Minister, the Queen and several members of Parliament! Sounds like a real nice kid. A most interesting specimen, I assure you Mr. Danger. said Homes, I am conducting my own private investigation in order to ascertain her motives and involvement in criminal conspiracy. I intend to bring her and her associates to justice! I swigged down some more scotch and lit up a cigarette. All I can tell you Mr. Homes, is that the lady is with the Peoples Constitutional Restoration Army. Since she walked into my office, all hells broken loose and theres been several attempts on my life! All I know is that I took whats left of the Constitution from Thomas Jeffersons dead corpse and hid it in my office! Somebody blew up my office with me and Kinky McGuire in it! When I came to, she was gone. I just barely got out alive.

Homes was silent for a few moments, apparently in deep concentration. Thats quite interesting Mr. Danger. Are you still in possession of the tattered Constitution? I drained off the last of the scotch. Dont sweat it Homes, Where I put it, nobodyll find it. Excellent. said Homes. He stood, puffing on his pipe and handed me his card. My associate, Doctor Flotsam, was unable to accompany me on this endeavor and so I suggest that the two of us team up in the execution of this investigation. Ill be staying at the Waldorf Asstoria. Please contact me there in the morning. Good evening to you sir. With that, Mr. Shurelock Homes stepped out of the trailer and was gone. I stood there wondering just what the hell I had gotten myself into and where this caper would ultimately lead. It was early in the morning when I phoned over to the Waldorf Asstoria to contact Mr. Shurelock Homes. We agreed to meet at noon at the Grungy Skillet, a greasy diner over on 33rd street. I locked up the Airstream, got in my Nash and headed for my office, or what was left of it. I walked into the building and pushed the up button for the elevator. I looked around to see if I was bein tailed but there wasnt a soul in sight. The doors opened and I stepped into the elevator. It was then that I noticed the dead body lying on the floor in a puddle of blood! It was none other than Thomas Paine with a copy of Common Sense stuffed down his throat! But that wasnt all. Layin right next to him was none other than Miss Kinky McGuire alias Lady Eleanor Chittlesworth! She was out cold. And she had a gun in her hand! I knelt down and slapped her across the face a few times. Come on, wake up baby. I wanna see how youre gonna talk your way out of this one! I said as she started coming to.

She held her hand to her head and blinked those big beautiful eyes a few times. Oh, its you mister Danger. She said, Where am I? How did I get here? Suppose you tell me! I said as I helped her to her feet. You got some explainin to do. Like this dead guy here! She looked down at the corpse on the floor. Its Thomas Paine! She said. I didnt kill him if thats what you think! I know you didnt kill him. I told her, Thats a .38 youre holdin in your hand. This guy was stabbed to death with a butcher knife! I pointed to the butcher knife stuck in his chest. Not only that, but his skull was cracked with that bloody baseball bat over there on the floor in the corner. I pointed to the bloody baseball bat over in the corner. He was also strangled to death with that rope thats wrapped around his neck. I pointed to the rope. He also has a poison dart sticking out of his left thigh, an ice pick stuck in his back and a copy of the Patriot Act stuck in his anus . . . but a bullet hole there isnt! She stashed the .38 in her purse. What are we going to do Mr. Danger? Just then the doors opened and we were on my floor. Follow me baby and keep your mouth shut! I said as I took her by the hand and together, we headed for my office. Part Four . . . There wasnt much left of my office except charred ruins and splintered furniture but the floor was in tact and that was all I really cared about. I stepped over to the area behind what used to be my desk. I knelt down and pried up a loose floor board revealing the space where I had hidden what was left of the Constitution. I crammed it into my pocket.

Is that what I think it was? Kinky asked. Kinky baby, its real important that I find somewhere else to hide this so I can keep it out of criminal hands. I said. My name is Cannary. She said, Most folks call me Calamity Jane. Are you sure now? What? Maybe you have a few more identities up your sleeve? No, Calamity Jane is what they call me. Good! Well go with that then. You could just call me Jane Never mind! I said. We have to get out of here and find somewhere to stash this document! Ive been trying to locate that document for the last three months! she said. Do you know how many people have given their lives to protect that piece of paper? A strangers voice came from behind us. Its a friggin piece of paper! We both turned around to face three men in black suits who had us covered with three automatic weapons! The biggest and ugliest of them said, Weve been after you both for quite some time now. Theres a lot of pissed off people in Washington that want both you dead! You guys work for the government? I said, Arent you supposed to be upholding the Constitution? Yeah! said Jane, Arent you supposed to be the guys in the white hats? You know, the good guys? You been watching too many Dragnet re-runs! The ugly one replied, What were gonna do is shoot you both so full of lead that itll take a forklift to pick your bodies off the floor! Like divine providence, at that very moment a hand grenade came flying through the window and landed on the floor right in the middle of our little gathering! Our three new friends took one look at the fizzing pineapple and then scattered like roaches!

Jane and I jumped for the window just as the entire room exploded in a blast of fire, smoke and debris! Our fourstory fall seemed like slow motion but fortunately our landing was cushioned by the obese couple that we happened to land upon. We jumped up and started running for the parking lot and my Nash! Unfortunately, when we got there, we found the Nash enveloped in flames! Come on Danger! said Jane; My Hudson is parked on the other side of the lot! Within minutes, we were in her shiny new Hudson driving down 37th street! Im with the Peoples Constitutional Restoration Army. She was saying. The whole thing is way too deep for me to go into now, but were trying to save the Constitution from those who would see it utterly destroyed! Thats why the government wants it so bad. Are you saying that the government wants it so that they can destroy it themselves? Look what theyve done to it already! she said. They want to legislate it out of existence! Thats what the Patriot Act is all about! It was all starting to make sense. All of the pieces of the puzzle were starting to come together and I didnt like the picture it was beginnin to reveal. The Patriot Act was shoved up Thomas Paines ass! She looked at me like I was stupid. Look, if its left up to them, theyll shove the Patriot Act up your ass, my ass and everybody elses ass too! She looked at me again with big, green, pleading eyes. I need your help Mr. Danger! I need to know youre on the right side . . . the side of Jefferson and Paine . . . the side of liberty and freedom! There was just somethin about her and the way she had come clean with me all of a sudden that made me believe her story. OK baby, you win. I said, But were gonna need help and I think I know just the guy for the job. She cast me a look of concern. Are you sure he can be trusted?

I think this guy is on the up an up. I answered, Now look, heres the plan! Its now pretty near noon. I need for you to drop me off at the Grungy Skillet on 33 rd street. I want you to lay low until one oclock and then pick me up. You got that? She looked at me and smiled. Whatever you say, Charlie.

I walked into the Grungy Skillet and sat down in a booth. A waitress with Maggie emblazoned on her name tag came over and looked me up an down. What can I get for ya, handsome? she said. She wore a pink and white striped service outfit with a frilly white apron and hat. I dont know baby. I said, Whats good? Nothin. She replied. Then make it a burger an fries. Its your life! she said as she scribbled the order on her pad and walked off. Just then Shurelock Homes stepped through the door. He spotted me, walked over and slid into the booth. Its good to see you, Mr. Danger. He said, I trust youve had an interesting morning. Quite so, Mr. Homes. I said, Thomas Pain has been murdered, my apartment has been blown up again and my car was set ablaze! Oh, and my life was threatened by three government agents in black suits with machine guns. Precisely! cried Homes, Which indicates that youre definitely on the right track! Youre investigation is making

somebody extremely nervous! The game is afoot! You have retained whats left of the Constitution? Dont worry about that, I got it right here on me. I patted my jacket pocket. Thats not all, theres more, but first I gotta know whose side youre on. For a moment, Homes appeared to be in another world of his own deep thought and then he struck a match and proceeded to light his pipe. My dear sir, I can assure you that I am an exceedingly private consulting detective. During my career I have become painfully aware that the criminal element extends from the common to the elite, from the generally simple to the most highly ingenious! Homes paused as he puffed on his pipe. No Mr. Danger, the threat to mankind from the common thief and murderer is miniscule compared to that posed by the plotting of governments . . . and their overlords! You sure said a mouthful, honey. I looked up to find Maggie standing there holding my burger and fries platter. She set the plate down on the table in front of me and looked over at Homes. You want to place an order sweetie, or would you rather that you die of old age? Perhaps some hot tea . . . Homes replied. Its your stomach! she said as she scribbled on her pad. She dropped the bill on the table and sauntered off. OK Shurelock, its like this. I said in low tones, I made contact with the girl. Her real name is Jane Cannary and I think shes straight. Shes out to save the Constitution and the government is tryin to rub her and anybody connected to her out! And that includes me! Then by all means Mr. Danger, you must be sure to protect both her and the document. Said Homes, The plot thickens and Im sure I detect the involvement of my arch enemy, Professor Mariachi, a man of pure evil genius! Hes a member of the Illuminati, a collection of the worlds ultra elite that are intent on the total dominance of all that is evil!

Looks like the both of us are workin on the same wavelength. I said. The girls going to pick me up at one oclock, right outside this joint. You want to join us? That would be most interesting. Homes replied, I dare say our cooperation may prove mutually beneficial. Heres ya tea! said Maggie, Do ya want cream with that or do ya wanna sleep tonight? Part Five . . . At one oclock on the nose, Janes Hudson pulled up at the curb in front of the Grungy Skillet and Homes and I climbed in with me in the front and him in the back seat. Jane, this is the master detective, Shurelock Homes. I said. Shurelock, this is Jane Cannary, alias Kinky McGuire, alias Lady Eleanor Chittlesworth. I would add that her distant ancestor was none other than Martha Jane Cannary, better known in history as Calamity Jane! replied Homes, I am pleased to make your acquaintance, Miss Cannary. Calamity Jane? I said, dumbfounded. Enough with the introductions! Lets just get down to business. Jane said as she handed me a crumpled piece of paper. I found this stuck under my windshield wiper not twenty minutes ago! It was a note addressed to Kinky McGuire. It read; Meat us behind the emty warehouse on Worf Street on the eest side at three oclock or ellse we plugg Patrick Henry! The note was signed; Sincerely, George and Dick. Take a gander at this! I said as I handed the note over to Shurelock Homes. He inspected the note, holding it up to the sun light. This note is written on cotton based paper impregnated with polyvinyl alcohol, the same as used in the

printing of money. Said Homes. Whoever wrote it is educationally deficient. In other words, an idiot! On the other hand, the one who signed it is of a particularly nasty disposition. I would say that it was sent by none other than your own ex-President and ex-Vice President . . . George W. Bush and Dick Cheney! Looks like things are heatin up. I said. Head for Wharf street baby, an step on it! In a flash, Jane had the Hudson turned around and on its way to the East side. At three oclock sharp, we pulled up by the loading docks behind the warehouse. Wait here baby an make sure you keep the motor runnin just in case! I said to Jane. Cautiously, Homes an I stepped out of the car. The place was certainly closed, shut down, unused. A few months ago the place would have been bustling but now all those people were out of work. Broke an idle, theyd be sittin around hopin that government stimulus would save em, but it wouldnt! They werent as big or important enough like the banker and Wall Street boys or the corporate kingpins! Suddenly a door squeaked open in front of us! Out stepped a man wearing one of them Western-style suits and a cowboy hat an boots. He carried two big suitcases, one in each hand as he stepped over to where Homes an I stood. Im gratificated to meet you Mr. Homes. He said as he put down the suitcases. And simularly to you Mr. Danger. Likewise, Im sure! replied Homes. Yew sure sound a whole lot like Tony Blair when yew tawk. said Bush with a great, big belly laugh. Your level of intelligence is indeed quite remarkable Mr. President. Homes said as he offered his hand. Aw shucks, Im truly impressified! replied Bush as he shook Homes hand. Then he shook his head an shrugged his shoulders and said. I really feel regretulant that you boys are gonna have ta be dispossessed of! That is, lesson you each accept one of these here suitcases! Each ones got ten million big ones in it! Theyre both yours in ex-change for the girl an the paper.

You mean the Constitution? I asked. Its only a goddamn piece of paper! Let me get this straight. I said as I lit up a cigarette. I got right up in his face. Youre offering me ten million bucks to commit treason? It was at that very moment that a gruff, angry voice called out from behind the car! Id take the offer, fuckhead, or else get your fucking heads blown off! It was Dick Cheney! He had us covered from behind with a double-barreled shotgun! Go ahead and make my day! he said. I just love shootin dirt-bag pricks like you in the face! Suddenly all hell broke loose! Jane threw the car in reverse and stepped on the gas! Cheneys gun went off harmlessly in the air as the car thumped over him, bouncing as it went! At the same moment, my foot came up and intersected with Bushs groin! He doubled over and I let him have a right uppercut to the jaw! Bush fell over sideways into Homes, knocking him off his feet but G. W. got up fast and went for a hideout pistol! I was quicker and gave him a right and a left and then another right! Jane had flattened Cheney but when she saw that he was still movin, she threw it in drive and hit the gas again! The tires squealed and the car bounced violently as it rolled over him a second time! Homes got to his feet, grabbed both suitcases and ran over to the car! Opening the door, he threw them in the back seat! I gave Bush a swift knee in the stomach and then another right to the jaw that sent him flyin backwards to the ground! Jane blew the horn! I ran to the car and both Homes an I jumped in. Jane hit the gas and we peeled out of there as fast as we could! To Be Continued . . .

Well, that did it! Jane cried. Now were in trouble! The Hudson squealed around the corner of 33 rd Street on the way back to the Grungy Skillet. Those were two of the top dogs in the conspiracy ring! She was saying. But there are others that are even higher on the totem pole that pull all the strings! Yeah, well they can get in line. I replied. We got twenty million bucks that says they can kiss our collective asses! I think the word kill would be more appropriate. Said Homes, I should think that somebody is going to be quite upset with us. Our lives are in the utmost danger! Jane pulled up an parked in front of the Skillet and we piled out and went inside. There was a booth open. No sooner had we sat down than Maggie showed up. How do you want to abuse yourselves today? she asked. I gave her a great big smile and said; I dont know baby, what looks good? Look buddy, she said, It all looks like the same old crap to me. I wouldnt feed it to my dog! OK, how about some coffee? I inquired. Sure thing mister big-shot shamus. She said, But later in the day, dont say I didnt warn you! She scribbled on her pad and walked off. I turned to Shurelock Homes and said; What we need to do is identify, abduct and interrogate one of the big brains behind this whole mess! I believe beyond a doubt, that Professor Mariachi is to be found amongst them! said Homes; Jane looked at me and batted those blue-green gems as I lit up a cigarette. Professor Mariachi. You mentioned him earlier. You think hes one of the big boys were looking for? I asked. He is one of the worlds most evil geniuses! He is a criminal of the utmost caliber! he replied, His operatives are many and to him, are nothing more than disposable

tools! Many have been caught, though he himself remains beyond the laws grasp, indeed, untouchable! If you ask me, the coffees untouchable! said Maggie as she placed the cups down in front of us, If any of you dupes want anything else, just let me know. She turned to walk off and at that very moment I heard a car squeal to a halt out in the street! I reacted automatically. Get down! I yelled. Suddenly twin machine guns opened up and bullets came crashing through the plate glass windows! The glass flew, people screamed, bullets ricocheted and pandemonium reigned! For what seemed like forever, bullets tore through everything, everywhere! Blood, glass, wood, bits of metal, plastic, plaster, paper, bits of clothing, bits of food . . . it all flew through the air! Then I heard the tires squeal again and suddenly it was over. Silence! The place was in a shambles, there had to be at least a couple hundred holes all over the joint! In booths, at the counter, on the floor, people lay in agony, moaning and bleeding and dying! Thats it, I thought; its time to get out of here! We crawled out from under the table and made for the door! There was a great commotion on the street as police cars and ambulances pulled up with their sirens blaring and their emergency lights flashing! We made our way towards the Hudson. The next thing I knew, I heard the scream of a woman who came running at us wearing only a belt full of explosives! She had the detonator in her hand and her finger on the button! Naked death came flyin at us! Death to Charlie Danger and to Shurelock Homes! she screamed at the top of her lungs! In an instant, my gun was in my hand and I let her have it! The resultant explosion knocked us all off our feet and sent us flying! It also took out six or seven bystanders, a

tree, two paramedics, their ambulance, a fire hydrant and the car parked in front of our own! By the time we got back on our feet, chaos was in full bloom, so we climbed into the Hudson and got the hell out of there as fast as we could! In the car, on the way back to the Airstream, I opened up one of the suitcases. Sure enough, it was filled with money! I had never seen so much money before! This money doesnt exist. I said, We just got paid a great big bonus, courtesy of Uncle Sam! Now youre talking! said Jane, If word ever got out about Bushs bribe money, theyd have to deny its existence! I say its finders keepers! Provided of course, that they dont murder us all and take it back! Homes added. I was digging around in all that nice new money when I came across a piece of paper. It just so happened to be a small envelope. Inside was one of them fancy invitations! I handed it over to Homes. Well, well, what have we here he said as he closely inspected every aspect of it. Admit the bearer hereof and one special guest to the annual gathering and celebrations at the Bohemian Grove. The event is scheduled to take place from July 2nd to the15th! Bohemian Grove, what is that? I asked, Ive never heard of the place. Is it out on Long Island somewhere? No Mr. Danger, it is a most exclusive place where the most exclusive people meet to behave badly and hatch the most fiendish plots! replied Homes. And what is most interesting is the note scribbled on its back. It reads; See you there . . . and it is signed; Mariachi! That means your hunch was right about the guy. Yes Mr. Danger! said Homes, And it also means that by tomorrow we must be in California, where we will infiltrate the Bohemian Grove! To the Bohemian Grove . . .

Two hours later Homes, Jane and I were seated aboard a Boeing 767 as it awaited take off clearance at JFK. I must confess, I thought the security measures were a bit overdone. Homes was saying, The full body x-ray, strip search and the cavity examination were totally uncalled for! And I didnt like the way they were handing around those nude x-ray photos of Jane! I added. Makes you wonder just whats going on in this country! The important thing is that we have a plan once we get to the Grove! said Homes, Danger, while you and I go through the front door, Jane will be infiltrating through the back door, so to speak. It is vital that we get to the Professor! We are all of us to meet at the pavilion on the lake at midnight! Jane added. Well be armed to the teeth! I said, Well be wired and bugged with microphones and hidden cameras! Well mingle in with the crowd, gather evidence and then meet back at your suite. Jane held out the long cigarette holder and looked at me expectantly. Got a light handsome? Just about then, I glanced out the window and saw the small, sleek fighter plane, all dressed in black and without markings! It pulled up off our right wing tip. The pilot smiled and waved and then proceeded to machine gun the right engine pod to shreds! Smoke, fire, and little shreds of metal spewed forth and threatened to set fire to the wing! The next thing I knew, the black jet was on the left side of the plane and it proceeded to do the same thing to the left engine pod! Ditto on the smoke and fire! Suddenly the huge plane was in a nosedive! Pandemonium was breaking out all over, and I do mean all over! Someone was screaming, Oh my God, were all gonna die when all of a sudden, to my utter amazement, the plane leveled out! I looked out the window and saw that the raging fires had been extinguished on both engine pods! Obviously we had one hell of a pilot up front straining to keep the plane under control! But the small fighter was still

with us! The 50 caliber slugs confirmed this as they ripped through the fuselage, tearing up the seats and passengers! The next thing I knew, we were at treetop level, coming into L.A. International and the little black fighter plane had disappeared! We plowed into the runway on our belly as bits of landing gear and aluminum were ripped from the plane! An engine pod here, a wingtip there, here a seat, there a leg . . . there wasnt much left when we ground to a halt at the other end of the runway! Homes, Jane and I crawled on our hands and knees out of the twisted, tangle of burning, smoking debris! Once again we had cheated death! I got to thinkin about how close wed come. I thought about the brave pilot and crew and all of those innocent passengers. They were all gone now and for what? How was it that only Homes, Jane and I walked away? It's funny how fate works sometimes. It makes you wonder. Bohemian Grove turned out to be a sprawling mountain valley estate secluded away from the rest of the world. We made our way through scenic switchbacks in our chauffeured limousine. After dropping off Jane on the side of the road in her ninja outfit and gear, Homes and I proceeded to the main gate and breezed right through the machine gun toting guards and security personnel. Once inside, we got the royal treatment. The place was more like a castle than anything else, extremely posh and luxuriant and I would imagine, unbelievably expensive! From the lobby, we were escorted to our suite. We didnt waste any time! There was just too much at stake. Within twenty minutes, Homes and I were in one of several lounges or smoking rooms where the elite gathered before going to dinner. Homes found that he was standing at the bar next to none other than Henry Kissinger! You are new to the Grove? Kissinger asked.

I am a guest of Professor Mariachi. replied Homes. Though I have yet to see him this day. I just left him down in the steam room with all of the teenage male prostitutes. Oh really? replied Homes, Well, I wouldnt want to intrude upon his little tryst. Will you be attending the ritual sacrifice to the owl-god Moleck and the Cremation of Care ceremonial this evening? You mean an actual satanic ritual in which world leaders, industry heads, government officials, world bankers and the illuminated elite are all willing participants? inquired Homes, Most certainly! replied Kissinger, And the fun part is that you can be completely naked underneath the robes! It was at that point that David Rockefeller entered the room and strolled up to the bar! What do you think Henry, a major pandemic? he asked. The population again my friend? inquired Kissinger. Biologic or nuclear? the wiry little old man snapped. It is imperative that we rid the world of the useless eaters! Rockefeller looked at Homes. Who the hell are you? My name is Homes. I am a guest of Professor Mariachi. Rockefeller looked Homes over from head to toe. The North American Union is a great idea! he shouted. Dont you think it a wonderful idea? Brilliant, Im sure. replied Homes. But how do you intend to sell it to the American people? What the hell do they know? said Rockefeller with a mad grin. Fuck them I say! With that, Rockefeller laughed insanely as he and his friend Kissinger strolled arm in arm, from the room. Yours truly wasnt faring any better than Homes. I had found myself sitting in a booth with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Hillary Clinton. I am so over-worked from ruining the economy of California! Schwarzenegger was saying.

Why destroy the economy of California? I asked. This is America! answered Arnold, Its amazing what you can achieve with da backing of da right people. People in very high places! Motivation? I inquired. I am motivated by millions and millions of dollars and power over millions and millions of people! Its hard work, you know! Its nice to get away from it all and have some fun. Oh yes! replied Hillary, While my Billy boy is running around the grounds in his birthday suit with all of the teenage sex slaves, I can relax and enjoy the cross-gender thing. I can be openly lesbian! At that point, the Rothschilds arrived and both of my booth-mates scrambled from the booth to run over and fawn over them like they were gods! A moment later, Homes slipped into the booth beside me. These people are not only perverted, he commented, They are also quite insane! Have you located Mariachi? I asked him. Yes but trust me, we dont want to interrupt him at the moment! said Homes, Suffice it to say, hes definitely here. I sat back in the plush booth and lit up a smoke. I wonder how Calamity is making out! I said. Homes struck a match and puffed his pipe to life. Hopefully, she is dug in somewhere and will rendezvous with us in our room after dinner this evening.

Dinner took place in the most decadently opulent dining hall, complete with all the amenities that royalty could ever possibly demand! While many of the worlds leaders and elite were seated at a lavish dining table of honor, Homes and I sat isolated at a small table in the back corner of the room.

Armies of servants served up an elegant dinner. Homes and I ate our meal while listening to speakers like Rockefeller and Rothschild droning on about how wonderful the New World Order was going to be. From what I gather, said Homes, They intend to systematically disassemble the United States, decimating its economy and bankrupting everybody except themselves! They want global control of everything! I added. They want to micro manage everybodys lives everywhere! This is indeed the most diabolical scheme I have ever encountered! replied Homes. At that point, Jane Cannary made her presence known from underneath the dining table. Hey, watch where you guys put your feet! she said. Jane? I gasped in awe. What the hell are you doing down there underneath the table? I had to get word to you guys! she said. Right after dinner, youd better get yourselves out to the lake for the satanic ritual! Professor Mariachi will be there! Since dinner is completed, said Homes, We shall depart immediately for our room to don our ceremonial robes! I looked down into those beautiful big blue eyes that were looking up at me from under the table. Dont worry baby, I said, Well meet you there in less than an hour. With that, Homes and I casually made our way back to our room. I unlocked the double doors of our suite and swung them open for us to enter. After you Mr. Homes. I said with a sweep of my arm. Neither of us noticed the two ape-like men until we heard the doors slam shut behind us! They were wearing white Armani suits and sunglasses and their machine guns were pointed right in our faces! The only sound was that of an evil, wicked laughter and we turned to find that none other than George H. W. Bush had been awaiting our arrival! A little birdie told me that you two boys are responsible for what happened to Dick Cheney and my boy George. He said. And I understand that you two

troublemakers took some money that doesnt belong to you. Yeah, well you can win some and you can lose some. I answered. And Im pretty sure I smell a rat! Were on to you and Mr. Homes! said Bush with an evil grin. Youll never leave this place alive! And your scam will never fly! I said. You can not stand in the way of destiny, Mr. Danger! replied Bush, A magnificent global destiny for the world! With you in charge? Of course! cried Bush, I and others like me! We have only one word to say to you Mr. Bush and that word is never! declared Homes. At that very instant, the doors burst open and two large butcher knives embedded themselves in the backs of the well-dressed CIA goons! They groaned, swayed, and then toppled to the floor to stain the plush carpeting with blood! Behind them, in the doorway, stood a smilin Jane! Something happened to me at that point; I just seemed to snap all of a sudden and I lost control! I charged at Bush and drove a quick fist into his face! He flew backwards and sprawled out on the plush carpeting! Being pretty spry for an old man, he swiftly got to his feet. I laid into him with a left hook, a right and another left! I kicked him in the stomach and when he doubled over, I smashed an extremely rare and expensive Tiffany lamp over his head! He went down and stayed that way! I looked over at Jane. You saved our butts, baby. I said as I knelt down and wiped the blood from my bruised knuckles on Bushs shirt. Howd you pull it off? Never mind that now! she said, We have to get out to the lake for the ritual before someone else tries to stop us! Shes right! said Homes, I suggest that we make sure were all fully armed and wired!

We were in luck! It was dark outside and the deep, blood red robes we wore made it easier to blend into the darkness. We made our way by sticking to the shadows, the trees, the woods, and the brush. The ceremonial area by the lake was brightly lit with torches and there were people dressed in various colored robes dancing around a huge bonfire which burned before a towering statue of the owlgod, Molech! Homes and I made our way around to the wooded shadows behind the great idol. Being rigged for recording video and sound, Jane ventured to get as close to the action as she could. We were all in communication through our tiny headset transmitters. Some of the revelers dancing around the bonfire had shed their robes and were frolicking in the nude! At this point, I would rather not go into a description of what Bill Clinton, Henry Kissinger and Nancy Pelosi look like naked. Suffice it to say that Id really like to forget what I saw. It was downright nasty! And then Homes spotted him! I turned around and looked and there was Mariachi, dressed in a silver studded charro outfit with a widebrimmed sombrero! He was leading the likely dressed members of the Mariachi Orchestra as they performed the moving and wonderful sound of . . . Mariachi music! Suddenly I felt a hand slap me on the back! I hope you boys are havin a good time! slurred a strangely familiar voice. It was a robed and highly inebriated Edward Kennedy! His breath smelled like an entire brewery! You boys feel free to join right in with everyone else! he said, I have find somewhere for me to take a leak. Then, without another word, Kennedy staggered off into the deeper bushes. I couldnt believe what I was witnessing! Homes and I watched as the worlds elite drank heavily, swore profusely, frolicked naked, urinated freely, sang badly and fornicated openly! I tapped on the tiny microphone of my communication device before I spoke.

Jane! Can you hear me? I asked, This is incredible! Are you seeing what Im seeing? I got the grand seat! she replied, Im getting it all down on video but I cant hear what youre saying very well. I turned up the volume a little. Hows that now? I asked, Can you hear me better? Listen, Homes and I will get what we can from in back of the bird and then well make our way over to the band. Thats Mariachis current location! I said. I repeat; thats where Mariachi is! Hes makin like some kind of Mexican Benny Goodman! Meet us over there! Sometimes you get so wrapped up in what youre doing that you quit paying attention to whats goin on around you just long enough to get yourself in trouble. I hadnt noticed that the band had stopped playing, the people had stopped dancing and everybody was lookin at me! Apparently, my transmission had been picked up by the P. A. system and broadcast to the entire crowd! I turned and saw that Homes was already running away as fast as he could and so I wasted no time in joining him! Behind me, the satanic ritual had turned into mayhem! I could hear screams and guns going off and there were several big explosions! I hoped that Jane was faring well back there. I had lost track of Homes, but in this kind of situation, its usually every man for himself! Your covers blown, the bad guys are after you and youre lost in the woods in the dark! After spending two days roaming through the woods, the mountains and valleys, the wind and the rain, I emerged on a side road where I waved down a ride in an Amish buggy that took me to the nearest Stuckeys. What really amazed me was that I found Jane Cannary there! She was sitting on the curb, munching on a pecan log roll! She smiled when she saw me. What took you so long? she said, I was beginning to think that you didnt make it. Im happy to see that you did, baby. I replied. Any sign of Shurelock Homes?

I think hes in the crapper! she said with a smile, You want some of my pecan log?

Sometimes, you take on a case thinking nothing of it and you wind up in a river of shit! Thats how I was feeling as we sat around the fold-down table in my Airsteam trailer back at the vacant lot on 45th street. You must admit, Homes was saying, That it is a slight bit cramped in these quarters! Jane held out her slender cigarette holder and looked at me expectantly. I struck a match and offered her a light. Oh I dont know, she said, I think its kinda cozy. Thats right baby. I added, And I can hook it up an take it with me anywhere I go! Arent you forgetting something? she cooed. I blew out the match. She smiled seductively. Your Nash was torched. She said. I looked deep into her eyes. We got your Hudson. Excuse me. interrupted Homes. But I have recently detected that this trailer is presently being surrounded by Federal squat teams and militarized police forces armed with assault weapons and flame throwers! Homes wasnt kidding! One glance out the window confirmed the fact! We were trapped like rats! Still, I wasnt prepared for what came next. I expected poison gas, a hailstorm of bullets, maybe even the flame-throwers! Instead, we were thrown to the floor by the G-force as the Airstream was suddenly lifted from the ground! I looked up through the dirty skylight and there above us was a black helicopter! The trailer was suspended beneath it by long metallic cables! There was no way out of this one!

There was nothing to do but settle in for the ride to wherever they were taking us! I only hoped that they didnt decide to cut us loose along the way! You know? Being hijacked through the air suspended from a helicopter gives you time to think. I found myself thinking about walking along beaches, petting a favorite dog or cat, drinking iced tea on your front porch or dancing with the woman you love. Then I thought about dirty rats whove got so much wealth that they could never spend it in a lifetime, or two or three . . . or a hundred lifetimes! The kind of low down scum that thinks theyre royalty and destined to rule over the rest of humanity and turn peoples lives into shit! Vulgar, bloated, megalomaniacal scumbags that need to have their asses kicked and thrown into prison! The same kind of sick bastards that now held Jane, Homes and I in their clutches! Well, they had done it. They had really pissed me off! My name is Danger and right then and there I decided Im not gonna take it anymore! Just who in the hell did they think they were? Where the hell did they get off? When did God die and leave them in charge? And then, all of a sudden . . . kaboom! Suddenly and quite abruptly, the Airstream hit the ground! Everything and everybody went flying everywhere! And then there was silence. But it didnt last long! The door slammed open and the storm troopers swarmed in screaming Nobody move! Nobody move! They dragged us outside and it was then that we realized that we were on the White House lawn! They pushed, shoved, and kicked us along the way until we were all literally thrown into the Oval Office! You people are really getting to be one, big, pain in the ass! I heard a familiar voice say. When we got to our feet we found ourselves standing before none other than President Barack Obama! Beside him was Al Gore and next to him, was Ben Bernanke! Youll never get away with this! I said defiantly.

Youll cooperate. Obama replied. Just like everybody else! Nothing must stand in the way of the fundamental transformation of America! Look pal, I said. We know what you meant by change and none of its any good! Obama looked at us and laughed as he read from the teleprompter. Youll cooperate or Ill have you changed from alive to dead! You got that? Where is the twenty million dollars you stole from G. W. Bush? asked Bernanke. Dont you know that money belongs to the Federal Reserve? Helicopter Ben was tryin to act tough, tryin real hard to throw a scare into us but it didnt work! Suppose you tell us, inquired Homes, what you did with the trillions of dollars that you simply printed out of nothing but thin air? Most of it was loan guarantees! cried Bernanke, an evil and corrupt madness in his eyes. Did he say it was grown on trees? Homes quipped. Thats what it sounded like to me. I replied. I say you better give it back! raged Bernanke. Who do you think you are? JP Morgan? Goldman Sachs? While this little conversation was going on between Obama, Bernanke, Homes and I, it just so happened that Al Gore took it upon himself to put the make on Jane! He casually strolled over to her and said. Looking at you baby, gets me all hot and bothered! My temperatures rising just like global warming! How would you like to go round the world with the Goremeister? Apparently that didnt sit too well with Jane. Her leg came up in one swift motion and kicked him directly in the groin! With hands clutching and eyes bulging, Gore went down to his knees! It was the break I was lookin for! I charged over the presidential desk at Obama and smashed my right fist into his face! He and his chair went over with me on top, pounding away with all I had! Homes meanwhile, had Bernankes arms pinned and held him by

the hair while Jane stuffed a great big wad of fiat currency down his throat! Whats wrong? she was sayin, Dont you like takin your own worthless medicine? Once Bernanke had turned blue and fell to the floor, all that was left was for Jane to administer a single swift kick to Al Gores head before he crumbled like a limp noodle to the floor and the struggle was ended! I kicked Obama aside, picked up the presidential chair and smashed it through a window and the three of us made it outside where we all started running like bats out of hell! We heard shouts and guns going off behind us and a few bullets buzzed by our heads as we ran, but somehow we made it out of there! The only problem then, was getting back to New York, but thats a whole other story. So, to keep the plot line flowin nice an smoothly, suffice it to say we managed to get there. The only place for us to go was back to Homes room at the Waldorf Asstoria. However, as soon as we made it up to Homes room and walked in the door, we were surprised to find none other than Patrick Henry sprawled across the Queen Victoria loveseat awaiting our arrival! His clothes were torn and dirty and it was clear from his physical appearance, that he had undergone severe torture! Beautiful performance at the abandoned warehouse! he said, I felt certain I was about to be rescued. Imagine my disappointment when you took off and left me there! Terribly sorry about that! replied Homes. So where the hell were you? I asked, None of us remember seein you there! Thats because I was tied and gagged and crammed into a fifty gallon drum on the loading dock! Thats too bad. I said as I stepped to the bar and poured all of us a drink. I handed one to Henry. So then what happened?

Henry emptied his glass before he began. I managed to tip over the drum! I rolled off the dock, across the parking lot, down the alley and into the street! I was nearly run over by a garbage truck but the driver managed to stop in time! Upon ascertaining that the drum was occupied, he promptly let me out, whereupon I ran from the scene as fast as I could! I didnt know where else to go. Thats why I made my way here. Suddenly his face became ashen white and his eyes went wild with fear and dread! Do you have the document? Its safe. I said, Whats the plan? We must keep that document out of the globalists hands at all costs! he said, And we must also get rid of the traitorous Patriot Act! And we must do away with the Security and Prosperity Partnership and the plans for a North American Union! I added as I lit up a Lucky Strike. And dont forget we must also do away with the Federal Reserve! Jane chimed in. If I were you, I would most undoubtedly pull out of the United Nations! Homes puffed his pipe to life and said through a cloud of tobacco smoke. I would shut down the Bohemian Grove and the Bilderburg meetings. I would also shut down the C.F.R. and the Trilateral Commission. Then I would arrest everyone involved and try them for acts of treason against the people of the United States! Yes! Pull out of the W.T.O. and throw out N.A.F.T.A. and stop the flow of illegal aliens across our southern borders! Jane shouted with a cheer! Yaaaaayyyy! A criminal investigation of the Bush Administration! I joined in shouting. And reinvestigate the events of 911! Hey, what about Obama? shouted Jane. He and his globalist cronies just pulled off the biggest financial heist in history of mankind! Everyone, everyone please! cried Homes with a wave of his arms, We must not get carried away! We must concentrate on the situation at hand. I believe were upon the pathway that may ultimately lead us to justice served!

Homes was right, first things first! Still, the more I thought about it, the more complex it became. This thing is too big. I said. Were in over our heads. I told you that in the beginning. Jane replied. Suddenly something inside my head clicked. What did you say? She looked at me with a puzzled expression on her pretty face. I said, I told you that in the beginning! she repeated. That you did baby! I replied. And it just gave me an idea! I think I know where we can go to get some help! An hour later, we were all back at the Flamingo Bar and Grill, sitting at the bar. Joe the bartender walked over. What can I do for you, Mr. Danger? he asked. Id like you to meet a couple of friends of mine. I replied. No need Mr. Danger. He said, Its Shurelock Homes, Patrick Henry and Calamity Jane! He wiped a dirty glass with a dirty rag and said, I hear you got away from the abandoned warehouse. Heard you busted up Bush and his daddy and Cheney pretty good too. I also heard about the Bohemian Grove! You mopped the Oval Office floor with Obama and Gore and Bernanke! Looks like you guysve been real busy lately! Busy aint the word for it! I told him. Between the feds tryin to rub us out and the dead bodies turning up left and right, were in it up to our necks! This thing is bigger than we can handle! You got any suggestions? The bartender looked around to make sure nobody else could hear what he was about to say. Look Danger, you guys arent the only ones who know the score. Theres some friends of mine that I think you ought to meet. Maybe they can help. Right now we can use all the help we can get. I said. Can you set up a meeting? Sure thing! he replied. You guys come back here later tonight after the joint closes.

It was three oclock in the morning when Homes, Jane, Henry and I made our way back to the Flamingo Bar and Grill. The place was dark, the street empty. We pulled the Hudson into the alley in back of the place. After looking around to make sure we hadnt been tailed, we got out and tapped on the back door. A few seconds later, Joe answered and looking around, he said, You guys sure you aint been tailed? Sure as we can be. I replied. Well, come on in. Everybodys here. We stepped inside and Joe showed us to a door that appeared to lead down to the basement. We descended the stairs to a dimly lit storage area. Theyre all in the back room. Joe said as he led us all through another door. We filed into another room and were totally astonished at what we found! It turned out to be none other than Willie Nelson, Alex Jones, George Washington, Frank Zappa, George Carlin, John Wayne, Bruce Lee, Superman and Lassie! They all sat around a card table illuminated by a single 100-watt bulb screwed into a socket that hung down on a wire from the ceiling. Introductions were made all around. There were no more chairs so we stood. Were all gathered here to figure out what were going to do about all the dirty scum that are behind the New World Order! said Alex Jones. Theyre nothing but scum, rotten, traitorous scum! It seems to me that the first thing we need to do, is to recruit an army of patriots to defend the Constitution! said George Washington.

Now youre talkin! said Willie Nelson. Me an Frank and George Carlin can do a series of concerts to get the word out and drum up a whole mess of volunteers for General Washington! Gentlemen. Superman interjected. I say America needs a comprehensive beautification project! Therefore I propose to do some comprehensive building demolition! Ill fly over to the Bohemian Grove and then Ill pay a visit to the Skull and Bones crypt over at Yale. said Superman. Ill go to the headquarters of the Council on Foreign Relations and to the Federal Reserve buildings both in Washington and in New York and Ill reduce them all to rubble! The idea sounded good to me. Only hours ago everything was confused and overwhelming, now we had allies and we were making plans. Now we had hope! Meanwhile, I said, John Wayne and Bruce Lee can go to D.C. with me, Homes and Jane and we can really start kicking some ass! Bow wow, bow wow, bow wow! added Lassie. Sure girl! I said, You can come with us! I hereby invite Patrick Henry to co-host on my show. said Alex Jones, Well get all my listeners to converge on Washington D.C. and well storm Congress, the Senate, the White House and the Supreme Court! Well try them all for treason and put the scum behind bars where they belong! Then well reinstate the Constitution and the Bill of Rights and the people can elect a new government! There were cheers all around! Everybodys spirits were lifted! Glasses of champagne were poured and Patrick Henry raised a toast, which was joined in by all. Give us liberty or give us death! cried Patrick Henry. There you have it. I said to Homes, That sure sounds like a plan to me. Homes smiled and said, It seems the game is afoot!

In the past it was always a robbery, a murder, an abduction, a wayward spouse. Some beautiful dame walked in your office with a tear in her eye and a gun in her purse. Sometimes it was a mistaken identity or a person disappeared. Some cases were a mystery, some a piece of cake. I never expected a case so vast in scope, so full of liars and traitors and criminals of every stripe! There were so many of em in so many places, involved in so many plots, all going on at the same time, it made my head spin! I found myself living in the Twilight Zone and I was wondering where and when Rod Serling would show up. I didnt have long to wait. I was driving Janes Hudson. She and Homes were sitting beside me in the front seat. John Wayne, Bruce Lee and Lassie were in the back. We were on our way back to the Waldorf Asstoria an I had pulled into a gas station for some gas. The attendant walked up and I rolled down the window. It was Rod Serling! You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. He said, Youre moving into a land of both shadow and substance. I cant believe all this is happening. I told him, Its going on right under everybodys noses and yet people go about their business just like everything is hunky dory! Thats because they are living under the illusion of normality projected forth by the mainstream media. Serling replied, What they see, hear and read is controlled by government, corporate interests and social engineers.

It is nothing less than mind control! interjected Homes, It is the mass conditioning of the general population! I turned to look at Homes as he spoke and when I turned back to Serling, he had gone to check the oil. Dont you worry pilgrim. said John Wayne from the back seat, If everything goes according to plan, I reckon well be putting an end to all of that media control nonsense! Ten gallons. Thatll be fifty seven dollars. I turned again and there was Rod Serling, by the drivers window with his hand out, a far off, distant look in his eyes. I handed him the money and we drove off. When we got back to Homes room at the Waldorf, Jane made it to the bathroom first so I rang up room service and ordered us all something to eat. Bruce Lee practiced with his deadly nun-chucks. John Wayne strapped on his six-shooters. Jane checked her bazooka, her rocket launcher and her flamethrower and stuffed them back into her purse. Lassie chewed up a copy of Time magazine with a picture of Obama on the cover. I wandered over and turned on the television set. There were news alerts on nearly every channel! Hey you guys! I said. Get a load of this! On the screen a news reporter stood before a scene of fire, smoke and the crumbled remains of a huge office building. He was shouting into his microphone. I turned up the volume. We are live on the scene where moments ago, Superman attacked and leveled the Council on Foreign Relations headquarters in New York! There is nothing left but rubble! Looks like Supermans off to an early start. I said. Woof, woof! barked Lassie. At that point, there was a knock on the door! That must be room service. I said as I got up to answer it. I was half way to the door when a little birdie whispered in my ear that I might be mistaken! So I looked through the peephole.

In the hallway, there was a dozen storm troopers in full riot gear with weapons locked and loaded, just waiting for that door to open! Weve got company! I warned the others. Stand back! said Jane as she pulled the bazooka from out of her purse. Before she could bring the bazooka to bear, the door was violently kicked open and the force sent me sprawling sideways as the storm troopers started spilling into the room! On the floor! On the floor! they yelled. Right then, Jane managed to fire off the bazooka and the resultant explosion sent tiny bits and pieces of storm trooper flying everywhere! Somehow, there were two left! Lassie clamped her teeth and claws on ones leg while I emptied my .45 into him and the other one quickly succumbed to Bruce Lees deadly swinging nun-chucks! The room was filled with smoke and fire as John Wayne emptied both his six guns down the hallway taking out whatever storm troopers were left standing! Follow me pardners! he said, The coast is clear! With the Duke in the lead, we charged through the bodies, the blood, and the devastation! We made it out of the building and down to the street where we jumped into the Hudson and got the hell out of there as fast as we could! To be continued . . . . . . Part Eight The Nash had been burned and my office blown to smithereens. The Airstream had been hijacked. The Waldorf refused to give Homes another room. We all thought it best to get out of Dodge and get lost for awhile. We knew the Feds were on to us! If we were successful at eluding the authorities, it would give Nelson, Zappa and Carlin a chance to hold up their end of the deal. At the same time, it would give Henry and Jones

time to do the same. All the while, General Washington would be signing up an army of patriots and that army would be growing, getting stronger every day! It was Homes brilliant mentality that came up with a plan! The Feds couldnt track or trace us if we didnt appear to be who they thought us to be! If we could disguise our identities, we could move about freely. It could buy us all the time we need! With Homes expert help, we all took on disguises! Homes became The Elephant Man, Jane became Julia Child, John Wayne became Deputy Barney Fife, Bruce Lee became Inspector Jacques Clouseau and Lassie became Rin Tin Tin! I became Ziggy Stardust. In these disguises, there was no way Uncle Sam would know who we really were! Who else but Homes could come up with such a stroke of genius? This enabled us to get out of New York City undetected. We simply disappeared! In a little town called Pea Hole in Pennsylvania, we pulled into a truck stop for gas and eats. While Clouseau fueled up the rented Winnebago, the rest of us went inside to the restaurant and got a table. The waitress came over to take our order. What the hell happened to him? she asked as she looked in shock at the Elephant Man. He was born that way. I said as I casually looked at the menu that she handed me. Were you born that way too? she asked, looking at me. Sure thing sister. I replied, Any more wise cracks? She sneered at me and handed a menu to Deputy Fife. Hey, wait a minute. she said, Arent you Barney Fife? For a second, I thought the Duke was gonna slug her, but he just grunted and buried his face in the menu. And I know you from somewhere too. she said to Julia Child as she handed her a menu.

Let me know what poison you all decide on. she said with a shake of her head as she walked away. I say, doesnt that waitress remind you of somebody? the Elephant Man asked me as she walked off. Tell me about it. I replied. Half an hour later, after Inspector Clouseau had come in and joined us, the waitress returned with our meals. I hope ya choke on it. she said as she placed our meals on the table before us. If ya do, dont come cryin to me! Excuse me. said the Elephant Man, I wonder; do you have a relative in New York who is also a waitress by trade? Yeah. she answered, Whats it to you? Simply a matter of deductive reasoning. he said. You are a waitress, your hair and facial features are similar to hers, you speak with a New York accent, your demeanor is quite similar and your name tag reveals your name to be Margie! What are you, some kinda wise guy? she said. She looked at Clouseau. You want anything? He shook his head and replied, No, Madame, I do not. Wise choice. she said and without another word, she abruptly turned and headed back towards the kitchen. Clouseau had bought a newspaper and he pointed out to us the front page headline that read . . . Superman utterly destroys Skull and Bones Temple at Yale University: Obama calls him a super terrorist. Meanwhile . . . Somewhere off the coast of Japan, down deep in the depths of the ocean, a sleeping giant stirs. While the forces of evil plot and strive towards their fiendish goals of world domination, the forces of nature rouse to counteract against the malevolence. While those who would despoil and enslave, those who would ravage the natural resources of the earth and all living things, including mankind, progress their sinister goals . . .

the forces of nature and sentient life prepare to awaken in dramatic response! As one polarity grows in its power and control, the opposite gathers strength unseen and unknown, hidden away and gaining strength, soon to revive and retaliate! And the world and the evil are unaware of its existence. But that will soon change.

The CNN newsroom with Wolf Blitzer . . . Hi, Im Wolf Blitzer and this special news report is just coming in to the Situation Room. Apparently Willie Nelson, Frank Zappa and George Carlin have just been arrested and taken into custody by Homeland Security forces! Also arrested was a person claiming to be George Washington! According to Homeland Security Chief, Janet Napolitano, the three were arrested for promoting antigovernment music and comedy at a free public concert in Denver Colorado at the Red Rocks Amphitheater. During the show, the alleged George Washington is reported to have been recruiting concert-goers to form an armed militia for the purpose of an assault on Washington DC! CIA and ATF forces swooped in, arresting everybody involved. Anti-government literature as well as firearms were confiscated! President Obama said in a statement afterwards, that This sort of home-grown, grass roots terrorism cannot and will not be tolerated in America! It is up to all Americans to report any persons or activities that promote freedom, liberty, the Constitution, gun ownership and the Bill of Rights! Also, be on the lookout for those who are against illegal immigration! Beware of those involved with alternative political parties, freedom of speech or any sort of public demonstration of any kind! Any

of these are a sign of terrorist activities by dangerous terrorists bent on terrorism for the purpose of proliferating terror! We here at the Situation Room will keep you updated as more information becomes available. Stay tuned to CNN for news you can trust to keep you informed. And now the latest in our month long, comprehensive, up to the minute coverage of the death of that great American, that wonderful guy, the king of pop . . . Michael Jackson!

And now . . . back to our story . . . We didnt find out about it until we pulled into a truck stop outside of Albuquerque. Apparently, the Feds were on to our plans and had struck a devastating blow! Those dirty Fed bastards! They would be as thick as flies in a garbage dump. They would continue to try an track us down. It was a damn good thing we were all in disguise! We refueled the Winnebago and then decided we were hungry, so we parked and went inside the restaurant to get something to eat. We sat down in a booth. What are we going to do now? wondered Julia Child with a sigh as she folded the latest newspaper and looked expectantly at the Elephant Man. Elementary, he replied, We must head for Washington! We must continue on in our efforts. Superman is out there doing his part and theyll have a hard time stopping him! According to the newspaper, he just leveled the United Nations building. I pointed out the headline. Ill bet that really pissed them off!

Dont forget that Alex Jones and Patrick Henry are still out there spreading the word. The Elephant Man said. All of the news about the arrests in Denver that is being splattered all over the mainstream media may actually work to our advantage! At that point the waitress walked up, took one look at the Elephant Man and ran away screaming! Everybody in the place saw her run out the door an then looked at our table like we were crazy, or dangerous or both! I looked at Homes and said, Maybe it would be a good idea if you thought about a different disguise?

The journey back east, except for a number of slight incidents along the way, was actually pretty uneventful. After all, everybody was in disguise! Well, actually, if you want to get technical about it, our disguises were the cause of the several slight incidents that occurred along the way. Holmes tried several different disguises. First, it was Mr. Hyde, of Doctor Jekyll and . . . but that didnt work out very well because it produced the very same results at the very next restaurant. They threw us out of the place! The next thing he tried was The Incredible Hulk, but that didnt seem to work out either. He experimented with the Hunchback of Notre Dame, the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz and the Fat Man from The Maltese Falcon! He also attempted Peter Lorre as Mr. Moto and Captain Bly from Mutiny on the Bounty. He tried Jimmy Cagney, Jimmy Durante and Gabby Hayes too! Then he tried the invisible man. That actually worked out pretty well because we didnt have to pay for his dinner at the next three stops! I still cant figure out how that happened. The problem with the invisible man disguise

became evident when Homes was run over by one of the big rigs while crossing the parking lot! Along the way, there were a lot of people who wanted Deputy Fifes autograph and several times people would ask if he really had only one bullet that he kept in his pocket. There was one incident where two hooded robbers held up the truck stop and used him as a shield when the State Troopers showed up. I know it mustve been hard on the Duke, having to play the part and go along with it. I thought a couple of times there; that he was just going to go off and start kicking their asses! The thing that bothered me about being Ziggy Stardust was that several times, there were strange men in the mens room that would come on to me. Most of the time, I would get stares and remarks like hey baby, youre in the wrong jake or hey Joe, look at what we got here. Once, there was this guy that grabbed me and tried to pull me into one of the toilet stalls! I beat the crap out of him, the place got busted up somewhat, and the end result was that we got thrown out of that truck stop too! I tried to talk Homes into doing up a different disguise for me but as it turned out; the only ones he had left were Boy George or the guy with the tongue from Kiss! Strangely enough, nobody seemed to bother Julia Child. I think it was because she was so homely looking that most people avoided her. And nobody really bothered Inspector Clouseau much either but he fell into a water fountain, got his hand stuck in a spinning globe and he had a strange fear of being attacked by someone named Kato! Aside from all that, things went rather smoothly. I mean, we had eluded the Feds, which was the reason we were all in disguise in the first place, so in that sense, the disguises were a success. I guess. Once we were in Washington DC, we pulled the Winnebago into a Motel 6 and got rooms. Homes and I shared a room as did the Duke and Bruce Lee. Jane and Lassie did the same. We decided to maintain our disguises

so that we could continue to move about freely without fear of detection by the Feds. Then again, sometimes just when you think youve got it made, something unexpected happens. Somebody throws a monkey wrench in the works. Just when things are goin your way, thats when the shit hits the fan! It was around noon on the first day in town when the Duke, I mean, Deputy Fife and Inspector Bruce Lee Clouseau took off in the Hudson to go to the liquor store for some booze, some smokes and a paper. They never returned! Later on, at seven oclock in the evening, we were all supposed to meet at the Dennys next door to the motel for dinner and to plan our strategy. They never showed up. We sat there in that booth until midnight waiting for them. Finally, we all went back to the motel. There was no sign of em. Even after we all went to bed, through the night and into the next morning when we all woke up, we wondered what the hell had happened to them! Still . . . they were missing. Even after we all went back over to Dennys for breakfast. Thats when Homes (as the guy with the tongue from Kiss) went and got a copy of the Washington Post and thats how we found out. My god! he gasped, The Feds got them! Dag nabbit! exclaimed Jane (who had taken on the disguise of Marjorie Main as Ma Kettle) What in the name o tarnation do we do now Pa? I guess well just have ta keep on keepin on Ma. I said. I had taken on the disguise of Percy Kilbride as Pa Kettle because Id had enough of Ziggy Stardust and besides, if you have Ma, you ought to have Pa too! Anyway, thats what I told Homes. Ruff, ruff! said Rin Tin Tin. We went back to our rooms and turned on the television set to confirm what we had read in the newspaper and we were totally shocked at the reports . . .

This is Wolf Blitzer in the Situation Room. We will return to our complete and comprehensive coverage of everything you could ever possibly imagine about Michael Jackson in just a minute, but we have this special report just coming into the newsroom now. Homeland Security Special Forces, acting on information supplied by alert citizens, have arrested, tazed, severely beaten and water-boarded John Wayne and Bruce Lee! The two were disguised as Barney Fife and Inspector Clouseau! These dangerous terrorist criminals were apprehended at a local Dirt Cheap convenience store yesterday! They are part of a gang of home grown, grass-root terrorists who are guilty of plotting against the Federal Government! They are dangerous terrorists bent on terrorist activities for the purpose of creating terror in order to terrify decent American citizens terribly! The DHS, FBI, CIA, ATF and IOU are still searching for Shurelock Homes, Calamity Jane, Charlie Danger and Lassie. It is believed that they are also wearing disguises though authorities are having a hard time keeping up with who is actually disguised as whom! Loyal Americans (Sheeple) who know in their hearts (are still under the illusion) that the government has the peoples best interests (their own agenda) at heart, are encouraged to report these terrorists to Homeland (Gestapo) Security! In other related news, the criminal super-terrorist, Superman, attacked and reduced the Federal Reserve building in New York to rubble this morning! President Obama is meeting with Lex Luthor to plan a strategy for combating this terrible, traitorous, alien invader from Krypton! More on that later. Now, a run-through of todays top news stories. Whos the latest politician involved in another sex scandal? Who is the latest corporate CEO to bilk billions from millions? Whos the latest rap star to be arrested for indecency? And finally . . . whos the woman who gave birth

to twin arctic seals? More on these stories at the top of the hour! This is the latest from here in the Situation Room, Im Wolf Blitzer. And now, back to our Michael Jackson coverage. Thats all there is to it. I said in anger as I switched off the television, Theres nothing left for us to do but mount a frontal assault, a full blown attack on the White House with everything weve got! Homes looked at me and shook his head. You may be right Mr. Danger. He said. Things certainly look bleak, but if you give me some time, I think I may be able to formulate a plan of action! Meanwhile . . .

Beneath the vast, eternal depths of the ocean, the bottomless canyon churns and bubbles with escaping heat and gasses and molten lava issues up from fissures and vents in the bowels of the earth. In this undersea landscape of mountains and canyons and craters and darkness, a sleeping intelligence slowly becomes aware and begins to perceive the faint, distant and ghostly cry of distress and fear and pain. Could it be the collective plea of mankind, of all sentient life, of all creatures great and small, of all things alive and with spirit? Yea could it be the cry of the living earth itself? A pulse begins to beat and pump rivers of blood that flow through cavernous veins to stir to life the immensity of dormant tissue. Gigantic muscles, long lain in sleep, long inert and static, begin to twitch and spasm. Soon, they begin to flex and to bend. Two great eyes open and try to focus and to see in a world of total darkness!

And from somewhere deep down within itself, the great and terrible being instinctively perceives the ghostly and persistent cry of distress . . . And now, back to our story . . .

Final chapter: The Big Fight. The birds twittered in the branches of the trees on the White House lawn as the sun rose and a new day dawned. As the great orb gained height and its rays began to warm the landscape, a lone armored security truck screeched around a corner and headed full speed at the security fence and barricades protecting the privileged governmental elites from the unwashed masses! The vehicle smashed its way through the electrified fence and bounded over the first concrete barricade, breaking it in half! Sirens immediately sounded and security guards opened up with machine guns on the invading vehicle! Within moments, armed S.W.A.T. teams in full riot gear converged on the scene. The truck, tires shot to ribbons and bullets ricocheting off its armored plating and bullet proof glass, bounded up the steps and crashed into a column in front of the house! The doors of the truck flew open and out jumped Homes and I, our own machine guns spitting hot lead at the Feds in return! First Lassie and then Jane jumped out with her multiple rocket launcher belching fire as the Feds to our left, and right scattered to escape the violent explosions! We made it to the front door, which we blew open with a pineapple and then we charged inside through the resultant gaping hole! Geithner and Harry Reid must have been visiting their boss and were caught by surprise as I smashed one in the head with the butt of my machine gun and kicked the other in the groin with my foot! We flew right over them and kept going, right on to the Oval Office.

Two CIA gorillas jumped out at us as we reached the top of the stairs, but Lassie tackled one, sending him tumbling down the stairs and breaking his neck! The other one took multiple hits from the hail of machine gun fire lain down by Homes! We made it all the way to the Oval Office door and we smashed our way through! You people are really getting to be a pain in the ass! Obama said as he stood up from his Presidential Chair behind the Presidential Desk! We had hit the jackpot! Standing there in the Oval Office was Bernanke, Jay Rockefeller, Rumsfeld, Kissinger, Pelosi, and Hillary and last but certainly not least, there was Professor Mariachi! In the name of the people of the United States of America! I yelled as we trained our weapons on the dirty, degenerate group of traitors. I order you to surrender! It is you who must surrender! said Mariachi, Your situation is hopeless. There is no escape! From seemingly every nook and cranny in the room, there suddenly appeared at least a dozen fully armed storm troopers in riot gear, their weapons trained on us menacingly! You have interfered in our plans for the last time! said Mariachi, Now you will pay with your lives! At that very moment, when everything seemed lost and death loomed imminent for us all, there was an ear shattering crash as a huge hole appeared in the ceiling and the man of steel swooped into the room! Suddenly all hell broke loose! At super speed, Superman dispatched storm trooper after storm trooper, each one collapsing like a rag doll, to the floor! I ran and leapt for Obama, grabbing him by the shirt collar and driving my fist into his jaw! He fell backwards with me on top of him as I planted punch after punch to both sides of his face!

Homes sprayed the troopers behind him with a lethal serving of hot lead and their bullet riddled corpses danced and spewed guts and blood with the impacts! Lassie clamped her jaws around Kissingers crotch as she ripped and jerked and clawed away viciously! Jane picked up a floor lamp and swinging it around like a pro, she bashed Rockefeller in the head! As Rockefeller went to the floor, Jane went after Hillary and proceeded to shove the length of the lamp pole up her traitorous bum! As the battle raged on, Rumsfeld, Pelosi, Bernanke and Mariachi managed to make their escape from the scene! Rumsfeld and Bernanke made their way to the safety of a taxicab that promptly sped off while Pelosi and Mariachi jumped into a long black limousine and did the same! Then, as suddenly as it had begun, the battle was over and we were the only ones left standing as the dust settled. Thanks to Superman, the battle of the Oval Office had been won! Still, we knew that we were surrounded and the swat teams were moving in! How the hell are we gonna get out of here? cried Jane. Grab hold of me! replied the man of steel. There was no time to think or to argue. We all grabbed hold of Superman! The next thing I knew, we were being whisked straight up through the hole in the ceiling and out of harms way! We held on for dear life! As we gained altitude, I looked down to see a literal army of tanks, jeeps, soldiers and police converging on the scene below us! Its a good thing Superman showed up when he did. I yelled into Janes ear. We would have been goners! It was then that I saw the most incredible and unexpected sight on the ground way below us! We all looked down in total amazement at the gigantic form of Godzilla bellowing and trampling and swinging his devastating tail about in anger! Suddenly he was breathing a stream of fiery radiation upon the White House, which disappeared in flames and

then exploded into a million pieces! Tanks and jeeps and office supplies flew everywhere! Godzilla bellowed, struck a few Bruce Lee poses, looked up at us and gave us the thumbs up sign! Suddenly, fighter planes were appearing in the sky! F18s and F-16s and F-117s and Apache helicopters flew in attack positions and charged at the great beast! Still, their rockets, bombs, and machine guns had little to no effect on the great creature! Godzilla simply directed his breath of fire at the attacking planes and destroyed them all! We circled in the air as we watched Godzilla lay waste to the Capital Building! Congressmen and Senators alike ran screaming and soiling their clothes with numbers one and two respectively, until being stomped under Godzillas two great big lizard feet! We saw Bernanke and Rumsfeld and their taxi get squashed as flat as a pancake and neither did Pelosi or Mariachi fare any better in their black stretched limo! They too could not escape certain death beneath the feet of Godzilla! In fact, the great beast would proceed to lay waste to the Supreme Court Building, The Central Intelligence Agency Headquarters building and many other Federal Government buildings. It was as if he knew which ones to stomp on and which to ones to step over! Screams filled the air! People fled for their lives through the streets! Explosions erupted and the ground shook as the great lizard stomped and thrashed around in its rampage! After a while, the monster started to move on, leaving nothing but rubble and flames in his wake! Id say Godzilla is on his way to the Pentagon. explained Superman as he hovered in place, his arms wrapped around Lassie. Jane sat upon his shoulders as Homes and I dangled from his legs and I for one was getting tired of holding on! Suddenly from out of nowhere, another gigantic behemoth (this one with wings) zoomed right over us like a giant jet bomber at super sonic speed! My God, its Rodan! I screamed as the heat and turbulence damn near shook us loose from our grasp!

I would bet hes on his way to pay a visit to Wall Street. said the man of steel. And I suppose that at the end of the day, Godzilla and Rodan, having triumphed over the forces of evil, will return to their own waters off the coast of Japan! There, they will return to peaceful sleep once more. Well, that was it. Our work was done. There was no point in hangin around. Off we flew back to New York, leaving a devastated landscape and a neutered Federal Government behind! There were hundreds and thousands of people now swarming into the area led by armed, flag waving, patriotic Constitutionalists! They would restore the Republic! I just knew that Alex Jones and Patrick Henry and George Washington would be at the forefront! And so would the Duke and Bruce Lee and Zappa, Nelson and Carlin too! And I knew everything was going work out all right.

We finally touched down back in New York City at the Grungy Skillet on 33rd Street. The place had been fixed up since the shoot out weeks before. It really looked nice. We casually walked in and sat down at one of the booths. The television mounted in the corner of the room was on and news reports were blaring about Godzilla flattening the Pentagon and Rodan laying waste to Wall Street and the Stock Exchange. Hundreds of thousands of patriots were dragging corporate CEOs out of their offices to

tar and feather them! Wall Street bankers were being dragged kicking and screaming, off to prison! Corrupt politicians were being dragged away in handcuffs to be charged with treason! And then I looked up at Maggies smiling face as she stood before us swiping away at the persistent fly that was buzzing around her head. So what do ya want? she said. I aint got all day! Yes, I thought, everything was going to be alright!

The End . . .

. . . Or is it?

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