Bedroom Football

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes, the old man cut a fart and says, "seven points." His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?" The old man says, "Touchdown. I'm ahead 7 to nothing." A few minutes later, the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about ten minutes, the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7. Now starting to get into this, the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score." The old man strains really hard, but to no avail -- he can't fart. So not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart. Straining, the old man tries so hard, he poops in the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."

Hot office girl

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.. but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I'll give you 100 if you let me have sex with you....The girl looked at him, and then said,'NO!' Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...so she called him and explained the situation. Her boy friend says, 'Ask him for 200, and pick up the money really fast He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bast@rdPaid in Pennys!'

Smart Scottie strikes again...

3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie. The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish. The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."

Those Government workers never learn!!!

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation. The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there. The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, So the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... 'Your card! Show him Your card!'

One day a man inserted an 'advert' in the local classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The Art of Texan Poetry

Finals of National poetry had arrived. 2 contestants were left, one from Harvard University, one a redneck from Dimville, Texas. RUles stated that each was to compose a 4-line poem in one minute or less - the catch? The poem had to use the word "Timbuktu" Harvard Man went first. 30 seconds after the clock started he got up and recited his poem. Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination -- Timbuktu. The audience went Crazy. How, they wondered could the redneck could top that? The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: Tim and me, a-huntin' went... Met three whores in a pop-up tent... They was three, we was two... So I bucked one and Timbuktu...
Best Toast BBest Toast eA good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting

the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life Between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of

the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life Sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said. The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

French fighter pilot st Toast

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!' Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. 'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie. 'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!' She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.' Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. 'Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie. 'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!' She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me much lower!' Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, 'PIERRE , WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?' Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, 'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM. A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.' THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!

Giving up drugs

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "This is your as5hole before prison...."

The Best Lover

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Irishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the Irishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."

Scientific eating..

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" He just ate the cue ball off my pool table--whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first.

Taxidermist

A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here. Where you from, boy?" The guy replies, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Pennsylvania?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist! What the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

A lot goes inside a BMW

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are dose?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

WW III

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in, sees them sitting there and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning WW III ". And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one blonde with big t1ts." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big t1ts? Why kill a blonde with big t1ts?" Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, Smart A55, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis

Weight Loss Program

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read: Lose weight Only $1.00 a pound Call (202) 555-0238 The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" The man responded, "Ten pounds." The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning." About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds." "Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning." At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! "This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That"s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here"s my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone. About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU."

Mouse Talk...

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot. The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to f*ck the cat."

SOME LOGICIAL THOUGHTS and STATEMENTS

1.Whenever you find the key to success, someone changes the lock. 2.To Err is human, but to forgive is not a COMPANY policy. 3.The road to success??.. Is always under construction. 4.Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk. 5.In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you have ability to repay back. 6.All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening. 7.Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear 8.Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works. 9.If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried. 10.You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side. 11.Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner. 12. 42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot. 13.As soon as you mention something?? If it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens. 14.He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule. 15.If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? The bus is still late. 16.Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate. 17.When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions. Â 18.If you have paper, you don't have a pen. If you have a pen, you don't have paper. If you have both, no one calls. 19.Especially for engg. Students : If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance. 20.You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming. 21.The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

Â 22.After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other. Â 23.If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight. 24.Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker 25.Before borrowing money from a friend, decide whether you need more. 26.There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side. 27.An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing. 28.Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them. 29.Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. 30.When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets. 31.Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. 32.Well done is better than well said . 33.Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking. 34.Where there is a WILL, there is a WAY, Where there is MONEY, there are many WAYS. 35.Where there is MONEY, there are many FRIENDS and RELATIVES. 36.Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.