STALLING "Pilot" Written by David Robbins

COLD OPEN EXT. PARK ENTRANCE - DAY Pristine water slides. A glistening wave pool. Kick-ass sunshine. Decrepit carnival rides. Rotting fairy-tale statues. Depressing shadow. A food court and run-off pond separate split the park. Flagged spires rise from the entrance gates. One in mintcondition. One rusting. Shrieking children, bored teenagers, deadbeat parents... America. In the turnaround, a MINIVAN rolls to a stop. It hasnt seen a car wash since Nixon resigned. INT. MINIVAN - CONTINUOUS CALVIN (early 20s, the type John Hughes wouldnt let get the girl) tries to exit the van. LYNN (late 40s, Calvins Mom, business casual and McDonalds coffee in hand) pulls him back in. LYNN Youre welcome. CALVIN You know, I read passive aggression causes cancer. Should order that tombstone now... you know, before its too late. LYNN That! That right there. Thats why you go to movies alone. (off look) Too mean? CALVIN (fainting sadness) Yeah. Way too mean. LYNN Oh, so sorry honey... We cant have my wittle baby cwying for his first day.

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CALVIN Sincerity is such a good look for you. LYNN Hey, youre gonna be fine... Calvin rolls his eyes. LYNN (contd) I remember my first day, this rude ol son-of-a-bitch cursed me out like a Witch in Salem. I almost quit right then and there. But you know what, I didnt. I stood up for myself and confronted that mean ol bully. In fact, we went out on a date that very night. CALVIN Oh my God, Ive heard my conception story a million times already. LYNN Dont get snippy. You should be so lucky I even remembered seeing as I was quite intoxicated. Anyway, never forget: Dont ever trust a magician because... LYNN/CALVIN (simultaneously) ...You cant say no to slight of hand. CALVIN I know, I know... Calvin glances at the dashboard clock. CALVIN (contd) Im gonna be late. Should uh... should get going. LYNN Hey. Look. This is an exciting new event in your life. New people, new experiences, new... money. (winking) Hint. Hint. Lynn continues to wink. Terribly.

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CALVIN I dont think youre supposed to say hint. Sort of implied by all the winking... that youre still... doing... Both lean in for a side-hug. The seat belts restrict. Awkward back pats instead. EXT. PARK ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS Calvin steps out, leans against the car door, window open. LYNN Remember its the bus tonight. Barry and I have our tantric yoga class tonight. He holds up the cash. CALVIN Not sure whats worse... that my Mom is participating in tantric yoga, or how comfortable she feels telling me. The car rolls away. LYNN (shouting) Probably the latter! Try not to fail! A painted wood SIGN above: "WACKY WAVES & STORYBOOK LANE". Calvin SIGHS. JERRY, clearly part of the Alpha-male tribe of douche, slaps Calvin on the back, snatching the bus money. JERRY (whispering) Hey. Bro. Your Mom... I would totally let her pee on me. Like, all over my face. Gargle that shit so hard. Jerry backs away, mimes masturbating into a cup and drinking it. Also starts barking randomly. Thats his thing, apparently.

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ALPHA-MALE (shouting) All day! All day, son! END COLD OPEN

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ACT I INT. MEETING ROOM - DAY A small, drab, repurposed office space. One row of plastic chairs facing a white board. Boring as shit. Calvin sitting at the center. A table, with several bags of clothes atop, at the front. TOD (mid 20s, though its hard to tell underneath the pastywhite make-up), sitting directly on Calvins right, stares ahead, motionless. CALVIN (side of mouth) Come here often? Tod turns his head. Silence. He faces back to the front. JOSIE (early 20s, the type John Hughes would never let Calvin get) sits down a few chairs down. Calvin cant help but eye-fuck-and-marry-and-have-twentykids-and-love-each-other-until-the-end-of-time her. CALVIN (contd) (shaky) Come here often? JOSIE Twenty dollars says Im not the first person youve tried hitting on today. CALVIN Wh-- what-- what makes you say that? Josie points to Tod. Hes millimeters from Calvins face. Startled, Calvin slides down a chair. Tod slides down too. MINDY (late 30s, somewhere between Misery Kathy Bates and Waterboy Kathy Bates) enters and surveys the three new employees.

6. MINDY Dear Christ in a Walmart. H.R. must be doping up again. (yelling out of the room) Im talking to you Arni! (normalizing) God damn Arni. What a freak show. The emo-goth... whatever the hell... over there. Miss perfect tits right here. And this sack of nothing with the dead eyes who clearly hasnt been inside a vagina since birth. Josie is taken aback. Tod doesnt care. Calvins just confused. MINDY (contd) Well, now that were all good and friendly... Lets see... we need a train conductor for the kids railway. (to Tod) You seem like you watch the Disney channel for reasons other than the plot, so why dont we just cut out the middle man. She throws a bag at Tod. Focuses on Josie. MINDY (contd) You know how to swim? JOSIE Ive never drowned if thats what you mean. MINDY Good enough. Mindy tosses a red one-piece swimsuit. JOSIE Um... this isnt my size. MINDY It is now. (to Calvin) Where does that leave you then? Clearly not lifeguard material... she knows what Im talking about. Josie reluctantly agrees. Gives a sorry look to Calvin.

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MINDY (contd) You know what? I stopped caring. And when I stop caring, its off to games. Where everyone stopped caring a long time ago. Now get the fuck to work. INT. GAMES TENT - DAY Various carnival games in stalls, all underneath a ratty-ass tent. Neon signs illuminate the space. A handful of kids stagger from game to game, not exactly ecstatic. HANNAH (early 20s, chubby and younger than she looks) spots Calvin walking in. HANNAH New guy? CALVIN Howd you-HANNAH Youre twice the age of these little dicks... Also, the uniform. Calvin looks down at his sun-yellow polo, and blue pants. CALVIN We look like hotel workers in Florida. Hannah leads Calvin over to his game booth. The lit-up sign above: RING AROUND THE RIM. Rows of bottles rise toward the back wall. Various sizes of stuffed animals line the inside. HANNAH Alright. First thing, the money. Now, technically, were not allowed tips... but theres no cameras, so I sure as hell aint gonna stop ya skimming. Shit, Ill do it right now. Hannah transfers some cash from her pocketed apron to her jeans. She picks up a bundle of rings.

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HANNAH (contd) Hand em three per dollar... or how ever much you decide a... (air quotes) dollar (end air quotes) is. She throws a ring toward the bottles. HANNAH (contd) Have em throw at the thingies... then some other stuff happens... theres probably other rules, I dont give a shit. Youll figure it out. They head to a lounge area in the corner. A few tattered couches around a wooden spool. Its the fucking Ritz. HANNAH (contd) Fresh meat, ladies. LUTHER (mid 20s, athletic and handsome) looks up from his game of solitaire. TILLIE (late teens, pixie cut and dark) beams. RAMSEY (late 20s, a bearded giant) leans back. Disappointed. RAMSEY Ah, man! I thought for sure theyd send another girl this time. Ramsey gets out a twenty and slaps it down on top of the playing cards. LUTHER You gotta stop these bets. I dont even need the money, I just put it in my savings account. RAMSEY Thats what youre doing with it?! I couldve bought a lapdance or at least a shitload of mice. LUTHER Why would you need mice? RAMSEY I have my reasons.

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TILLIE Do you dress em up in cute little outfits and act out Romeo and Juliet and have them sacrifice themselves in the name of true love? Ramsey thinks how to best end this conversation. RAMSEY (sarcastic) Yes... Yes I do. HANNAH So... Luther. Regale our new gentleman with what exactly it is you do. LUTHER Skee-ball. CALVIN Neat. LUTHER Playing, yes. Upkeep, no. A pain in my glorious ass. Giving two pound balls to tiny brats that think its funny when you hurl heavy objects at someones face. Couldnt tell you how many times Ive gotten a black eye from one of these lemmings. RAMSEY Its actually really funny. HANNAH (gritting teeth) Hes also the only one with automated token machines. Lucky bastard. LUTHER If its lucky to do nothing all day and watch kids hurt each other, then yes its lucky. (pauses) Actually, it sounds pretty good, doesnt it?

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TILLIE What if a kid took a ball and just starts beating another kids head in. Like... smashing til its real good and smushed. Just smashing and smashing and smashing. Imagine the blood... ever so much blood... Tillie fades away into her imagination. HANNAH I dont know... what the fuck that was... Calvin looks through the plastic windows to the water park beyond. CALVIN So whats the deal with the water slides? You guys ever get to work there? HANNAH (deathly serious) Oh, thats beyond our borders. You mustnt ever go there. EXT. WATER PARK - DAY FLYOVER: Children run barefoot along the pools. Half-naked lifeguards patrol their kingdom of waves. Happiness lives here. RAMSEY (V.O.) Yes. Everything exists in a delicate balance. We keep to our own, they keep to theirs. Nevr the twin shall meet. While they get the praise, we get the shaft. Theyre the movie to our novel. The E.W. to our Newsweek. The Avengers to our Power Pack... CALVIN (V.O.) But I like the Power Pack-HANNAH (V.O.) (growing contempt) Across the retention pond, the great barrier that separates our kingdoms, the endowed ones play. Where the beautiful creatures roam. Though we may yearn to be one of (MORE)

11. HANNAH (V.O.) (contd) them, we musnt give in. No. Never give in. For those ravenous dogs of yester have trod far too long-CUT TO: INT. GAMES TENT - BACK LUTHER Youre still mad they kicked you out, huh? HANNAH God, would ya-- I still have the golden ratio, its only a little... inflated. Just because I started eating four cup-o- noodles a day, trying to get over that festering pile of foreskin gristle, Ray, does NOT mean I deserved to be kicked out of their... precious club. LUTHER Clearly not holding a grudge. TILLIE Hey. Hannah. Babe. If this were a Nicholas Sparks movie, youd totally be the one with cancer. HANNAH (tearing up a bit) Thats the nicest way anyone has related me to a fictional character all damn day. Hannah hugs Tillie tight. SCREAMS from behind. A kid stands over another, clutching a skee-ball. BLOOD. More than youd ever think could come from a 50 pound child. Tillie breaks out of the hug, slamming Hannah to the couch. She and Luther rush over to the scene. LUTHER God dammit stop, demon spawn! The two kids fight to the death. Tickets stream to the skies out of the skee-ball machine.

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TILLIE Attica! Attica! END ACT I

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ACT II INT. EMPLOYEE CAFETERIA TABLE - DAY Workers mill about the greasy buffet style cafeteria. A CRT TV hung in the corner loops reruns of Divorce Court. Hannah and Ramsey furiously argue at a table in the back. Speaking quickly, and frankly not making any sense. RAMSEY Its not racist if the black guy chooses to play the racist black guy. HANNAH So, Song of the South isnt completely bigoted? Why havent they released it then? Corporate synergy? RAMSEY Oh! Oh! Oh! I guess by that infallible logic, the Star Wars Christmas thingy is anti-semetic. Look missy, just because Chewbacca is covered in fur doesnt mean hes a Jew! HANNAH One, its the Star Wars Holiday Special. Two, Im not anti-semetic, Im so semetic. And three, Splash Mountain sucks... And four, your face sucks. Calvin sets his tray of food down on the opposite side of the table. CALVIN They know youre here? REVEAL that Luthers been there the whole time. LUTHER They asked for my opinion on French cheeses. I said I wasnt sure what would qualify. They said I didnt know anything about anything and that I should go die in a grease fire accident initiated by underwear gnomes. Typical Tuesday.

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CALVIN Youre not gonna... stop them? LUTHER Kidding me? This is pure gold. Plus, it might hurt the numbers. CALVIN Numbers? LUTHER Oh, right. We just met today. I keep getting you confused with this other guy who used work with us. Looks almost exactly like you... a bit better looking though. Didnt have the whole... nose problem. Calvin tries to look at his nose. LUTHER (contd) I start recording whenever they get in a ridiculous fight. I used to just keep em for posterity in case I ever needed dirt. I got bored so now I post em as a podcast. CALVIN Really? How many are there? LUTHER Too many. Hundreds. They also repeat themselves a lot. Peanut Butter seems a hotly contentious topic. I only pray George Washington Carvers descendants never hear any of it. So many swears... Hannah and Ramsey are still blabbering. Something about wind farms at the moment. CALVIN People choose to listen to this? LUTHER Were actually number 18 in the iTunes Society and Culture section. Were sponsored by Audible. CALVIN This passes as Society and Culture? Well, I guess that explains TLC...

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Tillie settles in the seat beside Luther. TILLIE Whatre we up to? LUTHER Almost two hours now. TILLIE Anything juicy? LUTHER Ramsey claims hes a descendant of Rasputin. Im 99-percent certain that isnt true, but fact-checking would only send us into a never ending spiral of lies. Several one-piece clad ladies strut through the cafeteria entrance. Theyre attractive. Ridiculously attractive. Kanye West music video attractive. Some shirtless hunks follow. Clearly second-fiddle in the eye candy parade. Josie stumbles over the door runner, behind the others. Calvin turns. Slack jawed. Luther and Tillie notice his mouth agape, look for themselves. CALVIN (whispering) Shes... just so... so... shiny... LUTHER Not even half a day and hes already got a bleeding heart. TILLIE Shut-up, its cute. Like a puppy who finally found his bone. LUTHER More like a puppy that cant wait to bury his bone. You know what Im sayin? CALVIN (defensive) I most certainly do not know what you are saying. She will be my wife and we will have three kids and we will have a pet fox named Andy who (MORE)

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CALVIN (contd) gets into all sorts of misadventures but will return home to the love that we all share and no one can tell me this wont happen because you cant see the future only Jesus can and I dont see him helping you he loves me more! TILLIE Thats the spirit. LUTHER This happens to everyone. The first day crush is sort of a ritual. Mine was Hannah. Hannah, still arguing, chews french fries that smush out between her teeth and fall on her lap. LUTHER (contd) WAS. Was. TILLIE Mines Chester. Tillie points toward the kitchen. CHESTER, a short, barrel chested Korean cook, WINKS. She swoons. TILLIE (contd) Still gets me goin some nights. Hannah and Ramsey calm down. Turn their attention. RAMSEY Whore we starin at? Im fine with gawking, but I need some backstory to really fill out my needs. CALVIN Shes more amazing than my imagination could ever dream. Even her ankles are sculpted by the Gods. Josie stands on her tip-toes, reaching a drink from the top cooler.

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TILLIE (20s gangster voice) Mah, shee. Incredible gams on that broad. Wouldnt starve worth a haypenny in a Donner situation. Mah. HANNAH Your imagination sucks. She sucks. Hannah holds up for high-five. Tillie leans over. Misses. RAMSEY I dunno... Id certainly... shoot the gap. CALVIN How dare you make suggestive retorts about my angel! HANNAH Yeah, yeah. You should... discover her chamber of secrets. LUTHER Oooh, think inside her box. RAMSEY Run the stench trench. LUTHER Play the slot machine. HANNAH Ride the fun tunnel. Calvin covers his ears. CALVIN You shut your whore mouths! RAMSEY Fill the sugar basin. HANNAH Open the junk drawer. LUTHER Turn on the taffy puller. HANNAH Dance in the banquet room.

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RAMSEY Shoot in the fish barrel. TILLIE Fuck her up the ass! LUTHER Nothing if not specific. Calvin stands up to leave. CALVIN Any others? Come on, get it out of your systems now. RAMSEY Ooh! I have another one! (thinking) You need to... punch... a hole... through... Calvin walks away. RAMSEY (shouting at Calvin) No, yeah, yup. Ill just... Ill figure it out and... and tell you later! (to group) Great guy... just the nicest guy. INT. EMPLOYEE CAFETERIA ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS Calvin dumps some of the garbage on his tray into a recycle bin. A cup falls to the floor. A hand reaches in and snatches the cup. JOSIE (O.S.) Its rad youre recycling and all, but Im not sure all of that can be composted. CALVIN (angry) Welllll excuse me. Its better to be safe than sorry when the... He looks up.

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CALVIN (contd) (paralyzed) Planet... be... good... for... all... JOSIE Calvin, right? From this morning? Glad I know someone else whos new this season. (awkwardly) New season buddies! Calvin stammers. Smiling. Staring. He begins to say... CUT TO: INT. GAMES TENT - DAY CALVIN I need your feet and I love babies. (off looks) I-- I meant to switch those around. Luther mans the skee-ball booth. Hannah plays for free. HANNAH Saying you need babies isnt really better... LUTHER Its not... the worst thing you couldve said. Ramseys hit that off far creepier stuff. Ramsey and Tillie on chairs, using the stalls bench as a table. Ramsey deals out playing cards in no apparent order or reason. RAMSEY Play your class, my friend. Play your class. HANNAH Even if it was a panty-sopping compliment... why feet? Youre always safe liking their clothes. Bitches love clothes. RAMSEY Its not that strange. I mean, everyone knows that a womans feet (MORE)

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RAMSEY (contd) are a window into her soul. Okay, look. If a lady takes care of her feet... moisturize thee feet... message thee feet... LUTHER Please stop using feet as a proper noun. RAMSEY Then you sure as shit know shell age like Helen Mirren. If the feetre all cracked and ragged, then youve a got a class-6 Dench on your horizon. HANNAH The hell you even get this stuff? TILLIE No, hes right. I saw it reblogged on Tumblr, so it must be true. How bout me, what do mine say? Tillie THUNKS her feet onto the bench. Ramsey investigates. RAMSEY (while inspecting) Im not an encyclopedia on just one gender, Han. Think of it like... a dudes forearms. HANNAH Dammit... Forearms are the torsos penis. RAMSEY (to Tillie) You got some of the finest cuts I ever did see. You could be a foot model. Shits HUGE money. Tillie drifts off in thought of her new career. CALVIN I panicked. I couldnt think of anything. I just stood there... a lot longer than someone who encouraged the thought of having a beautiful strangers children should.

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HANNAH For the best. Inter-park dating NEVER ends well. CALVIN What do you-Mindy bursts into the tent. SLAMS down a half dozen full garbage bags. MINDY You. The chicks with dicks. Tillie looks down at her crotch. Catches on. MINDY (contd) Take these to the dumpsters. Those goddamn vomit jockeys... LUTHER (off Calvins look) Janitors. MINDY ...decided to skip out again. Since you all smell like shit anyway, these might freshen you up. EXT. STORYBOOK LANE PATH - DAY The three guys walk through Storybook Lane, garbage slung on their backs. They pass several kiddie rides, each with a different fairytale theme. The merry-go-round is "The Emperors New Carousel." Dumb shit like that. RAMSEY No. Theres no way Rocket Raccoon could win in a fight over Aquaman. LUTHER Hes the worst superhero ever. Whats he gonna do? Throw some tuna at you? RAMSEY Aquaman can summon anything in the sea. Um, hello? That means friggin sharks too, bro.

22. CALVIN Maybe I came on a little too strong, but theres always hope, right? At least thats what my Mom-Ramsey, severely annoyed, stops him short. RAMSEY Oh my God, youve got to shut your face. Weve only known you for what... four, five hours? I like you, but youre annoying as fuck. LUTHER What I think... well, I hope... Rams is trying to say is that you gotta let it go. If its meant to be, you gotta let it happen. Dont force it. RAMSEY Thats how rape happens. (off disgusted looks) Hey, they cant all be winners. Not like theres some guy writing all my jokes, choosing which need to change, and replacing them with new punch-(restarting from the beginning) Thats how accidents happen. INT. GAMES TENT - DAY Hannah and Tillie arent bothered by the kids waiting in line to play games. Instead, they hang out at the couches. HANNAH We cant let another one defect. TILLIE What are you gonna do? Also, you take this way too seriously. Hannah snaps a picture of Tillies foot with her iPhone knockoff. Because shes poor. They all are. Except Luther. I shouldve mentioned that. Eh, its not a plot point until episode 6. HANNAH (nonchalant) Easy. We create an elaborate ruse that crushes Calvins dreams and (MORE)

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HANNAH (contd) breaks down his spirit until he has no other choice but to stay here forever. TILLIE I thought we liked him though. HANNAH We do, but... cant you just agree to one of my nefarious plans for once? TILLIE I dont agree with it, but I will fully support whatever insane thing, that will ultimately backfire in your face, you choose to do, because I love you. Now, get this side. I think its my best side. Tillie contorts her left foot on the table. Hannah takes another picture. EXT. DUMPSTERS - DAY Luther tosses a garbage bag into the dumpster. Ramsey has his bags open, rummaging through. RAMSEY Heres what you do. Its foolproof and works every time. LUTHER If by every time you mean never, then this is great advice. RAMSEY Get into a conversation about something chicks really dig. Cats, make-up, penises, or whatever... LUTHER (feigned disbelief) Its like hes been inside an actual womans mind. RAMSEY As soon as they start rambling, which they will, go in and just start kissing. Swear, they love it. (MORE)

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RAMSEY (contd) Really go for the action hero kissing. CALVIN Shouldnt I build up to that? At least a few weeks? LUTHER Though is methodology is... disturbing... his theory is sound. I pulled that once, it actually worked pretty well. RAMSEY Yeah. Do it. CALVIN I dont know... Calvin quiets, shies away. Ramsey and Luther exchange realizations. RAMSEY Holy shit. Youve never kissed anyone? CALVIN Technically-RAMSEY Wait til every single person I know hears about this. CALVIN Hey, cmon... RAMSEY No way. A mouth virgin only comes along so often... HEY! Pun definitely intended! Ramsey throws his bags into the dumpster and runs off. Calvin looks to Luther for support. LUTHER Dont look at me. This shits hilarious. END ACT II

25. ACT III INT. GAMES TENT - NIGHT Ramsey SLAMS down the gate on his stall. RAMSEY Absolutely priceless. Oh snap, I just thought... youve never even reached a single base. I bet youve never even struck out. Just sitting on the bench, polishing your bat. LUTHER A tee ball bat. HANNAH Thats not what the coach meant when he said "choke up". Tillie paints her toenails on the couch. TILLIE Go easy guys. We should all just forget this happened. CALVIN I agree with her. LUTHER How do you propose that happening? TILLIE Booze. RAMSEY Damn, my one weakness. Im in. HANNAH I thought your one weakness was grilled cheese. LUTHER I thought it was chicks with those back dimpley things. RAMSEY So I have a lot of one weaknesses. Dont get all up in my business. CALVIN You know, I should probably head home...

26. RAMSEY No way, man. You gotta drown your problems tonight. LUTHER Well buy. Whats your brand? Calvin shuffles a bit. CALVIN ... b... eer... HANNAH Your favorite brand is... beer? Puzzled silence. RAMSEY No. No fuckin way. Youve never drank either? Is there anything you actually have done?! CALVIN Of course! Ill have you know I placed second at National History day. RAMSEY Dont tell me that! Youre adding fuel to the fire! HANNAH We need to get wasted. Now. EXT. STORYBOOK RAILWAY - NIGHT A miniature railroad loops around crappy statues depicting Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Calvin HONKS the conductors train horn. A lot. A cute skunk statue in his right hand. Luther, Hannah, and Tillie lie next to the entrance station. Ramsey dances with Goldilocks. Also, his hand is down his pants. Classy. CALVIN (clearly drunk) My last job gave me a button when I quit. A button! Dumb button. I think I lost it and I love it but I lost it. I love that button as much as I love Josie.

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HANNAH He should stop drinking, right? LUTHER He should never NOT be drinking. CALVIN I miss my button. Tillie checks the empties. TILLIE I think were missing some. Theres only six empties. HANNAH We all had one, right? Ramsey had three. As evidenced by his trademark third beer fondling. LUTHER Hes that far gone on one beer? Lightweight is too strong of a word to describe... this. Calvin throws girly punches at the air. CALVIN (to the air) You fuckin steal my button, Jesus? Man, I thought we were bros, bro. You n me, savin the sinners. HANNAH Best he stop. He was making at least a little sense until whatever holy war he just created. A DANCE BEAT grows loud in the distance. Calvin perks up. CALVIN O-M-J, Ramses. Youre makin the trees sing. RAMSEY I hear that every night, baby. TILLIE I think its coming from the slides.

28. LUTHER Probably the water people, doin something dumb. Its their nature really. HANNAH I bet its their pep rally. I never got to go, but I heard they ritually sacrifice a goat to the muscle gods. CALVIN Ha. Stupid gods, dont even own any land. Ramsey pulls his hand from down his pants, smells it. RAMSEY Holy shit! My balls smell like Worcestershire sauce. He runs over and offers a smell. Hannah and Luther are disgusted. Calvin is entranced by some twinkly lights above. Tillie gets a fatty whiff. HANNAH The fuck Till?! TILLIE Smells like you just ate a big bowl of Chex-mix. Hannah throws up a little bit. RAMSEY I know! No need to buy seasoning anymore. LUTHER (desperate) We can sit around and take whiffs of Ramseys diseased balls, or spy on the party. I vote party. CALVIN (screaming) Conquer all the things! Calvin runs off ahead of Luther, arm raised, carrying a pretend sword. Tillie smells Ramseys hand again. Hannah stares in disbelief.

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EXT. WADDING POOL - NIGHT Peering through a bush, the gang can make out a party unfolding. Tan, tall, and barely dressed. About a dozen lifeguards mill about a keg. RAMSEY I cant see. On a scale of boring to Caligula, where we at? HANNAH Quiet. Were not very well hidden here. The lone bush surrounding the slides shakes violently. LUTHER Stop pushing, it isnt that exciting. Us and that party combined, Calvins the most far gone. Calvin is looking very intently, in the wrong direction, toward blackness. CALVIN A cave. I knew it. RAMSEY I wanted weird stuff. Same old thing, the pretty ones never get strange. HANNAH Learn that from your forums? RAMSEY Dont bad mouth my forums. Theyre a bunch of good guys. Real class acts. I learned a lot. They posted this awesome tutorial on how to make your own wooden puzzles. Beat. RAMSEY (contd) Also porn. LUTHER There it is.

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TILLIE Guys... Calvin goose-steps toward the party. HANNAH Nobody bothered to keep tabs? RAMSEY He aint my property. Calvin throws up high-fives, which are ignored. He saunters up to the keg. LUTHER He does not need anymore of that. Calvin freezes in place. HANNAH Why isnt he moving? TILLIE His brain crashed. Josie walks over to Calvin. He relaxes. High-five. LUTHER Is that... yeah, isnt that that girl he wouldnt shut-up about? HANNAH I cant tell. Wish we had a telescope or something. Ramsey pulls out a pair of binoculars from his pocket. LUTHER Why do you have those?! RAMSEY I dunno... In case I wanna see really far away stuff. CALVIN (yelling) Guys! Its the feet girl! (to Josie, still yelling) Youre very pretty! I like your headband!

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LUTHER This certainly isnt going to help his chances. Calvin runs back toward the bush backwards. Waving wildly. CALVIN (continued yelling) She smells yummy! Like a barrel of cotton candy! TILLIE Only explanation... must be an android. Calvin trips. Passes out. EXT. STORYBOOK RAILWAY - NIGHT Calvin blinks awake. Still hammered. He surveys the area. Luther and Ramsey are spooning sweetly. Ramseys the big spoon, obvs. Hannah and Tillie are no where in sight. He takes off. Calvin rushes back, grabs the skunk statue, takes off again. EXT. VENDING MACHINES - NIGHT Glowing pair of vending machines outside the Food Court. Snacks and sodas. Hannah rests her forehead against the snack glass. HANNAH Higher.... higher... west a bit... Tillies arm is jammed up into the machine. TILLIE Wait. My west... or the... Earths... west? HANNAH Just-- go that way. TILLIE Oh... oh... Oh! I think its coming.

32. HANNAH (laughing) Good thing neither of us has a robot fetish, right? TILLIE (covering up) Yeah... good thing... HANNAH Get a couple more, Ill get drinks. Hannah moves over to the soda machine. Sits down, shoves her arm up the hole. HANNAH (contd) Grape or Ginger Ale? TILLIE Dont be racist. Ginger Ale. Hey! Didnt you have some donation whose-a-whats-it tonight? HANNAH I uh... I decided to skip it. Ive been getting updates though... Hannah takes out her phone with her free hand. HANNAH (contd) Dammit! They put all the cats in the same pen again. Kids got in the blood this time. Youd think PETA would know how to store animals... TILLIE That sounds amazing. If you dont invite me next time, Ill totally murder your family. How do you think your evil plan is working out? HANNAH (exacerbated) Its not-- its not evil. Its nefarious. And I think its going swimmingly. Humiliated in front of the whole lifeguard population. Theyll never want him. TILLIE I thought it was cute. Like a drunk little baby.

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HANNAH It was pretty adorable-- but, nevertheless! TILLIE Is this how your gonna be every day now? HANNAH Ill do the same thing every day, Tillie. Try and take over his mind! Tillie grins. HANNAH (contd) That sounded a bit like those two mice right there, didnt it. TILLIE Yup. HANNAH Dammit. EXT. STORYBOOK RAILWAY - NIGHT Luther and Ramsey still spooning. Hannah looks around, drinks in hand. HANNAH He took off again. Great. Tillie shakes the guys awake. HANNAH (contd) Morning ladies. You let him wander off. Now Hes probably killed himself trying to drink from the run-off pond. I swear, if that happens again... EXT. TUNNEL OF LOVE - NIGHT Underneath a pulsating red heart. Calvin, crossed-legged, now in the introspective drunk phase. Josie is stretched out next to him. Near passing out, but coherent.

34. CALVIN Of course, she wouldnt have any of it. In retrospect, I suppose, its probably because she was being paid to watch me, but I loved her. Oh, how I loved her. The mac and cheese... magnifique! JOSIE Yeah... yeah, totally. CALVIN I swear, if my parents didnt come home that night, Id be in a whole nother world. But, once she got the cash, I never saw her again. I pined for ages, begged my folks to go on another date... alas, it was not to be. Hannah rushes in. Winded. HANNAH You slippery bitch. (yelling back) Found em! CALVIN You found me! HANNAH Now I kinda wish you had killed yourself. Be more interesting than cavorting with this whore. No offense. JOSIE Your welcome. HANNAH Lets go get you sobered up. CALVIN Ive never been more sober in all my marbles. RAMSEY (bit delirious) You found him. Good. Glee is on in like a half-hour... (off looks) I mean... the... manly... look at boobs hour... fuck it. Dont you judge me.

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CALVIN (John Wayne) I aint goin nowhere partner. Someones poisoned the waterhole! Calvin tosses a full bottle of booze. It SMASHES next to Luthers feet. RAMSEY Ugh. Leave him, he seems fine. Hannah pushes the others a few paces back to confer. HANNAH We got him drunk, hes our obligation. LUTHER I wouldnt feel right leaving him here either. TILLIE Agree. Also... we should call the cops about that poison in the waterhole. RAMSEY Fiiiiiiine. But Im not carrying him. The group is interrupted by SLURPING behind. Calvin is all over a passed out Josie. Its not pleasant. It isnt graceful. Just straight up sucking her tongue. Really awful "making out". LUTHER Hes really goin for it, isnt he? RAMSEY If we werent sure before, we absolutely know now that this is his first kiss. HANNAH We should probably separate em, right? TILLIE Just a second... Tillie has her phone out, recording.

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TILLIE (contd) ... And thats probably enough. HANNAH (sarcastic) You sure? TILLIE No... well. Ill make do. Hannah and Luther move in, tearing Calvin off Josie. CALVIN She tastes like cotton candy, too! (singing) Ah sugar! Do-do-do-do-do-do. Ah, honey honey! TILLIE (to herself) She is an android. CALVIN I got a single! I hit for the first base! Calvin offers a high-five to Ramsey. Ramsey obliges. Stared down by Hannah. RAMSEY Well he did! END ACT III

37. TAG EXT. STORYBOOK RAILWAY - NIGHT Calvin is kneeling in front of a skunk statue. The others rest on the curb. CALVIN You dont... you arent even a real fairytale creature. Youre just a stupid skunk. You dont exist. What are you even doing here? Beat. CALVIN (contd) No, Im sorry, baby. I didnt mean to burst out at you like that. It was my fault. No. it was my fault! You never let me take the blame for anything! Let me be wrong for once in my life, God. Beat. CALVIN (contd) Oh no, darling. I didnt mean it I swear. Youre my everything. I love you to much to hurt you. Ill love you for always. Forever well be. Calvin rocks forward. His lips gently settling on the statue. LUTHER Great choice, Cal. Cream of the crop! Calvin gives a thumbs-up. TILLIE Whats next on the evil plan? LUTHER You have an evil plan? HANNAH Its not-- Its a nefarious plan, dammit. And now Im not telling anyone. Calvin hops up. Runs over to the ride queues railing, climbs atop. Another railing is only a few feet away.

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TILLIE Oh God. Tillie takes her phone out again. HANNAH Hey cmon, you already made an ass once. No need to throw it in our face. RAMSEY Shut-up, Hannah! Jump! Jump! Jump! Tillie and Luther join in. RAMSEY/TILLIE/LUTHER Jump! Jump! Do a flip! Jump! Calvin steadies himself. Slips a bit. CALVIN Silence. I... require... absolute... silen... He trails off. A long beat. Calvin begins the leap. The railing gives way beneath. Calvin SLAMS to the ground. RAMSEY Wait. I got it! Punch out her doughnut hole! Yeah, suck on that Al Qaeda. END OF SHOW