Now with Bifidus Digestivum
Issue 2, 10/07/2008
DISCLAIMER: The events and people depicted herein are fictitious, any similarity to real places or people, living or dead is en-
tirely coincidental. By reading this paper or looking at any images held therein, you are forfeiting your right to criticise or take of-
fense at it. The Anglo Week and all its contributors hold no responsibility nor interest in any of your petty minded complaints.
Lies, Cheats and Corruption
The Anglo Week is causing a stir
with its hardcore journalism and its
highly skilled writers.
This is just an example of the sort of
lies that can be found in the newspa-
per. As a reader I managed to ob-
serve some of the atrocities in the
first issue of the paper.
They start out with what they think
is a joke. I found the whole endeav-
our was misguided and ill advised,
no amount of disgust really ex-
presses how much I hate the scum
who created this and those avid
readers.
Articles about communism would
not have been out of place in the
Sun, the cheapest alternative to this
comparative trash. Misinformed
views about the valiant N.U.T. were
particularly a plague on this paper.
Sadistic cartoons and racist cross-
words were among the things poi-
soning the minds of this paper’s sad
little readers.
I only hope they don’t make another
one.
Quote Wars
You must
be the
change
you want
to see in
Editor: Mr. S
Murder, all that bad?
I don’t think that I would be sounding too
anti-liberal to declare that I am against mur-
der. I would imagine that all the readers,
with the exception of a few pervs and psychos
share this view. Yet it would seem that the
sixth form ‘team’ disagree. They channel
their hatred for human life through strange,
hot air balloon thought experiments.
How was I to know that when I went into a
citizenship lesson, ready to be engulfed by
the exciting group work of moving an egg
over a ravine, that I would be ambushed and
told to throw someone from a hot air bal-
loon to certain death.
So, this is what it has come to. You are in-
structed to decide who has the right to live.
Perhaps this is similar to triage where a doc-
tor must decide who deserves treatment first.
Of course this isn’t based on someone's per-
sonality or their life achievements but the
severity of their condition. Would a doctor
refuse treatment on patient because they
never learned to play the piano? I sincerely
“Rumours have been spread that Mrs. hope not. Should I throw 23 year old Steve
Jones has increased her prices to £2.50 from the balloon because he isn’t an active
an hour.” member of the community? Who does have
the right to live and die? Should we be the
one’s to choose? Are we playing God? I don’t
know the answer to these questions and I
resent being asked them.
All this exercise is doing is teaching the
youth of today to decide in ten minutes how
How fortunate people rank in society and if they had to be,
for leaders that who could be cut out of it. I do not wish to
men do not take an almighty Daily Mail style view of the
think. ‘sick things that get taught today’ so I will
end with a question, ‘Who would you kill
first?’. I hope your answer is ‘I don’t know’.
Page 2 The Anglo Week

Editorial: No fine, we’re not a weekly paper.

Here goes my first editorial, an attempt
for me to dispel some of the rumours
surrounding this newsletter. First of all
it is NOT being funded by the govern-
ment nor is it ‘Britain’s best selling
paper’ as most other papers claim.
It would seem that most readers now
know the identity of the editor thanks
to someone who, for anonymities sake,
I will merely refer to as Mr. J. Van
Hakag (anagram)—Chief contributor.
This may be a problem for me, but I’m
sure as loyal readers, when the time
comes you will happily shrug when
asked by the mob of angry vigilantes
where I just ran off to. For this I thank
you in advance and in the next issue I
will be publishing Mr. Van Hakag’s
Address, NI number, his bank details
and his mother’s maiden name.
Another issue that has come to my
attention is the dispute over the name
of the newspaper. To those who kindly
suggested that it be renamed ‘The An-
glo Weekly’, please read the disclaimer
on the front page and then f*ck off.

Readers’ letter: Submit your own

This week we invited readers to write in Dear Anglo Week,
about their misinformed views on speed Look at it, its slender and beauty how can any-
cameras. one dislike such a sexy yellow beast. I often
stroke them at night and polish their filthy lens
Dear Anglo Week, cap with my arse. I make my many deformed
I am a great fan of speed cameras. I children maypole around it naked as it takes
believe our roads would be empty with- pictures..
out them. I drive a Lotus Elise and Yours sincerely,
sometimes when I’m powering around
those country bends it’s good to get an Sylvia ‘Soggy Face’ Ophidapele
action shot or two sent to me in the
post. This one time I rebounded of a
Dear Anglo Week,
wall and narrowly missed an old lady
and man that was cool. These phallic shaped obtrusions into our lives
make me regurgitate my cheap food onto police-
Also those average speed cameras make
men, after a relaxing evening of drinking and
for really great drag races on the M25.
child beating. Oh, I despair for the state of the
Yours Sincerely, World when speed cameras prevent me from
Nitchard Esponias driving at 130mph at the pensioners.
Yours insincerely, Gertrude Bryant

Mr. F’s big questions in little words

Which came first the chicken or the egg?
It is a question that has plagued mankind from the
beginning if no god existed and no Noah and his ark
were did the common fowl we associate food with
come from. The chicken was most likely a evolution
thing but if this did not happen, as in the eyes of
religion how did it come around, did god send a egg
to the ground or did he send to chickens to mate
and produce eggs. I truly believe that know one will
truly know unless a tie machine is built and then
this question will finally be solved.
The meaning of life
The meaning of life is many things to every one however
some people in live closely associate the meaning of live with
the number 42, love and happiness. However more impor-
tantly Monty python made a film about it which I think every
one should watch to help direct them in life and to make
them a better person. Life can also be many other things like
food, cars, women or men doing something or alcohol or
drugs. But what is important is that each person finds out
what hits there spot and so you better start now!
Issue 2, 10/07/2008 Page 3

Britain: Suffering from Angst or Enjoying Immorality?

By Mr. P
The elderly are often characterised
by expressions such as “Get off my
lawn!”, “They didn’t make them
like that in my day”, “All kids are
stupid nowadays!” and the famous
“Can’t… breathe…help!” But are
these complaints usual for the eld-
erly; has every generation com-
plained about the next since civili-
sation began?
Or are our nans and granddads
actually onto something this time?
They could be trying to warn us
that we’re losing touch with the
social conventions and romantic
ideals that act as pillars for society
(honesty, loyalty, virtue, etc.) and
we’re moving towards a dirty cess-
pit of a world where it’s acceptable
to steal, lie, have sex with other
species and take a shit on that normally disgusting, urges.
pesky neighbour’s lawn. So next time someone tells you it
However, who’s to say we don’t would be an honour to die for his
like this type of sinful, slutty life? country, make sure you say the
Why confess to crimes if it lands truth thus reminding him his man-
you in jail; why shouldn’t you steal gled and decaying corpse won’t
when shop assistants are either too look so glorious when his non-
old, stupid or stoned to notice you; existent soul can’t see it. In fact,
why shouldn’t you f*ck that dog shout it to him because we’re now
when you just know it’s asking for all used to nutters roaming our
it; why shouldn’t you shit on a streets, either happy slapping peo-
lawn when it belongs to that ple or handing out leaflets reading
neighbour who accidentally hosed “Dianetics can cure you!”
your grass the other day?
And next time that selfish, lazy,
The answer seems to be, since Ib- frail, old woman asks you to help
sen condemned social values as her across the road, make sure you
mental (and the 60s happened), shout “F*ck off!” loud enough. Be-
nobody gives a toss anymore and so cause, well hell, there’s nothing in
we all act on our most primal, and it for you, is there?

Review
A pleonastic look at the world of art Book Review: The Scottish Play
Writing plays back in Shakespeare’s day
By our Arts Correspondent in Milan, Charlie Richardens.
wasn’t an easy task. For instance since
Queen Elizabeth’s temperament was at
See the colourful, verdant, green fields. The
times changeable (no treason intended), the
water glistening so realistically off the ripples of
plays tended to go indefinitely, explaining
the waves. See how perfectly the artist has en-
why Macbeth lasts FOREVER and has a
capsulated the trials of life in the swaying of the
crap twist at the end.
breeze. Truly the best art I have ever seen.
The play starts with three old witches, who
I’m almost certain were originally the pro-
tagonists, being approached by a couple of
Scottish twats. I can’t really remember the
middle of the play, but I’m almost positive
that it was long and that Macbeth became
king or a ‘thane’. Macbeth was later guaran-
teed that he would not be harmed by any ‘of
woman born’, but good old Shakey found a
way around that and decided that being
born by Caesarean was not ‘of woman’…
yeah, clever.
So thanks Bill for your contribution to the
World of literature with your hastily fin-
Image not available due to copyright claim by artist.
ished and absurdly iambic shite.
Game review: Grand Theft
Auto IV
Not since Grand Theft Auto 3
has a game caused so much con-
troversy. And with damn good
reason, I played it for 16 seconds
and immediately beat up an old
lady. Such disgusting filth should
not be allowed in our country
especially not allowed to pollute
the minds of our under 18 year
olds, to whom it is so obviously
marketed with its big shiny 18
logo on it.
The plot follows a Russian gentle-
man who arrives in a new city
and shows how cool it is to jack
cars and blow bitches’ heads off.
Well kids, yes it is quite cool to
do all of that but if you feel the
desire, read some Shakespeare
instead, featured in the previous
review.
 Page 4 The Anglo Week

Baka by Jam

Crossword
1 2 3 4

5 6 7

8 9

10

11 12 13

14 15

16 17

18 19

20 21 22 23 24

25 26

27 28

29 30

31 32

33 34 35

36 37

38 39 40

41

42

Quiz
If Achilles is chasing a turtle which is travelling ten times
slower than he is but starts one hundred metres in front,
is this a productive discussion for one hour of A level
Physics lesson?

Yes

NO
Issue 2, 10/07/2008 Page 5

Horoscopes*
Aquarius
This is an impor-
tant time in your
life, no pressure
but if you mess it
up you are royally
screwed.
Leo
Suicide is painless, I
know this is true
because I heard it in
a song. Of course if
you’re that rubbish at
life, you’ll probably
screw it up anyway.
Pisces
No. 6 at Chester-
field is a sure
thing. But be wise
and only bet half
your salary. There
are just so many
more races.
Virgo
Something you did
last week will ruin
this week for you,
which in turn, will
ruin next week,
leading to an infinite
downward spiral,
consider previous.
Aries Taurus
The next week will be You’ve always cared
testing for you, but about the environ-
don’t lose your ment, or if not cared,
temper until the end you’ve at least
of the week, then the thought about it.
first person who
starts on you, have
This week, you can
make a difference,
them. don’t drink water
and kill an orphan.
Libra Scorpio
Don’t flee from You have reached a
the challenges of crossroads in your
this week. Unless
life, but who hasn’t?
there’s a chance
Should you take the
easy road or the hard
you’ll mess them road? Take the easy
up, then you run one and sponge off
like the wind. the idiot who took
the hard one.
Gemini Cancer
You’ve always You’re an ambitious
been an outspo- individual but this
ken person, but
week, don’t forget the As part of our 'space-filler' series we
people around you.
for this week just They might get in the bring you our new weekly segment, in
shut up and
maybe people will
way, if so, deal with
them...dump the
which we present the unfiltered, un-
like you. body in a river. abashed opinion of those around us.
If anything we were worried that peo-
Sagittarius Capricorn ple would be so informed and expres-
Some people’s I read once that sive we'd have great trouble fitting in
lives flow serenely Capricorns are
down an amber gay, not saying for
all the pearls of wisdom, and we were-
rive, occasionally certain but just n't disappointed. So without further
experiencing bear it in mind. ado or self aggrandisement we lay our
rapids. You’re in a Your big GAY
bucket used to mind. pearls before you swine:
flush a toilet.

*Disclaimer: The Anglo Week, including its editors and writers, accept no responsibility if the above events do, or do not, occur to you for we regard it as complete bullshit
Daddy's with the angels...in hell.

Karma, it’s me again - T. Kaczynski in lower Sixth.

It's natural in the instinct of people to search for patterns and a symmetric balance. We
assume that nature tends to a mean and abhors extremes, anything greatly deviating will Yo mama so ugly that the judge of the
be pushed back towards the centre ground. In our economics, in our natural science ugly competition banned her for us-
and now its insinuating its way into people's day to day philosophy. In no more irritat- ing performance enhancers.
ing way than with karma. The assumption that for every, somehow universally defined, - J. Nash upper Sixth.
evil deed the universe will launch a vendetta against you (at least with deism its the as-
sumption of some guy - or female guy - whose hunting you down) is quite simply, spittle.
Take me as a case in point, I'm rotten to everyone and in return the universe George Bush is to mass media what
gives me a lovely wife and three beautiful children (well the middle one's a bit of a dog, the frog is to the blender.
but I'm going by averages). As a - L. Domitius in lower Sixth.
more definitive test this evening
home from my well paid job I
punched a hobo in the throat. And I’m not pro-Nazism, but it was alright
what did the universe do to me in at the time
return? Zip, nada. So I bought an - N. Coleman
ice cream.
Admittedly this evidence is
anecdotal, so I did some research If you don’t stop following me, I’m
using a £10,000 research grant I had going to shove that note book up…
lying around. I collated the evi- - Anonymous fat boy
dence of people gaining past, pre-
sent and future happiness based on
their trend of behaviour. The re-
sults are shown here:

H@cI<3rz W/-\π73d Personal Statements

Golf Ball Transportation Solutions
/-\ny1 vvh0 (4π u~|)3r574nd d15 Have you got a bit of a crap referee? Want
104d 0|= (r4p |-|4z 0ff1(14lly 34r~3|) your application to UCAS overseen by some-
For those so inclined, Angloship inc. one who got a job in a proper school? We will
my |-|47r3|). 4150 u 4r3 a |*r1(k.
has a full line in golf ball transportation happily fictionalise, exaggerate and generally
solutions fully tested over a ravine and just ‘big you up’. We have no scruples , no
guaranteed to nearly work. No technical formal training and no reason to be trusted,
use. but we are suspiciously cheap.
Page 6 The Anglo Week

Sport More accurate than the truth

Spain cheat to World domination

Spain have done it again, blasted their way monster and that sissy boy Beckham to Of course, we won Wimbledon as well,
to glory and conquered the World subtly deal with ‘at the end of the day’. and with a fourteen year old girl no less.
on the back pages. Apparently though we failed to qualify, Pretty humiliating for Nadal if you ask me.
They won Wimbledon just a week after whatever that means. You would think She did only get a small trophy and proba-
flying through Euro 2008. For those un- that England would command enough bly about 70p for winning since that’s the
aware Wimbledon refers to a tennis cham- respect for creating all forms of sport (so way Wimbledon works for women. Justi-
pionship not the little known calligraphy my unreliable sources tell me) and bring- fied in my opinion, we gave women the
competition hosted in the same suburb ing civilisation to the entire World (so my vote but it'll be a cold day in hell before
and Euro 2008 is one of those football even less reliable sources tell me) that we they get their hands on our tennis money.
ones, I know, there are more than would at least be allowed to play with the I’m not saying for definite that Spain
enough. other countries. But no just like the cheated but they weren’t exactly playing
It probably helped the Spanish football school nerd who invented football is not fair when they slaughtered the Aztecs.
team that we chose to sit Euro 2008 out welcome to play nor so are England. The People don’t change.
and let the others have a go. If we hadn’t Croatians however, who aren’t even mem- So for all those interested a holiday in
then they would have had the Rooney bers of the EU, are. Spain will quickly yield some free steroids.

Olympic Dream
On the 8th August this year the Bei-
jing Olympics will commence as mil-
lions of Tibetan activists simultane-
ously sigh. My editor reminds me to
say that the Tibetans are a peace lov-
ing people and therefore such a domi-
nant World power. But that’s not why
your reading this article, so in sport
terms, the Olympics is typically built
of four events which only Greeks are
allowed to participate in. They are, in
order of the funniest sounding, sta-
dion, diaulos, dolichos and hoplito- Motorsport Fencing
dromos. Each of these will typically be
run naked as athletes cannot afford
clothes since their job is essentially Lewis Hamilton has won it for us, an With knife crime at an all time high it
just moving quickly. opportunity for national pride. The fuel would be really insensitive to joke about
The entire games should last several consumption of a Mclaren is quite high impalements and accidental beheadings,
weeks or until Zeus becomes bored and many eco-Nazis are eager for the the so I shall leave it to you to imagine with
and strikes someone down. The image congestion zone to be extended to Silver- only these words as stimuli: Ouch, splat,
to the right shows the five interlock- stone (unconfirmed rumour). thump.
ing rings that represent the World
coming together for peaceful competi-
tion, unlike the London 2012 logo Cricket Rape
which make people physically sick.
But the spirit of the Olympics still I don’t like cricket. Ran out of ideas. I’m quite sure some-
withstands as a unifying competition, I won’t write about cricket. where it’s a sport but I doubt there are
of course that doesn’t mean we any rules as such. Might not be a good
Cricket is boring. idea to Google that though, just best not
shouldn’t cheat just to humiliate
France. There, a haiku. to know.