1 MAY THE FORK BE WITH YOU SETTING: A rural barbecue joint in the American South: mirrors with beer

labels printed on them, photos of regular customers standing or squatting next to woodland animals they killed, etc.. Three men who have belonged to a local political discussion group online for years yet have never met in person, meet for lunch; LIBSSUCK is seated at a table adding sugar to his iced tea when DIPPYHIPPY and TARHEEL4EVAH enter; he stands and waves them over.

AT RISE:

LIBSSUCK Hey! Ya'll look about as out of place as warts on a pearl. I've got us a table already. Thank you. TARHEEL4EVAH I'm John, but you can call me Tarheel. (They shake; DIPPYHIPPY introduces himself.) DIPPYHIPPY Dippyhippy. Jeff. Bill. LIBSSUCK But libs all suck no matter what you call me. (They all laugh; sit.) DIPPYHIPPY They just don't suck as bad as conservatives suck. TARHEEL4EVAH Thanks for inviting us, Jeff. We should have done this long ago. LIBSSUCK Well, I had to wait 'till I was eligible for Medicare, since I don't want to pay my own money to cure me of the hippy peacenik cooties I'm bound to get associating with y'all. DIPPYHIPPY Naw, you're safe: I've had my shots. I'd have to bite you

2 to infect you, and I'm vegan, remember? (Looking at menu.) If anything sucks around here, it's this menu.

Whew!

TARHEEL4EVAH There does seem to be a heavy reliance on dead animals. Hey. LIBSSUCK I just offered; you didn't have to come here.

TARHEEL4EVAH And miss this chance to rib you? I don't think so. DIPPYHIPPY It's no big deal. I'll just put together a plate of sides and hope they don't put pork butt in the cole slaw. Long as they've got unsweet tea, I'll be/ LIBSSUCK (laughing) Unsweet? Careful, they'll shoot you for a Yankee if you say that too loud. (They all laugh; it is a comfortable gathering of people who like each other and have agreed to disagree on some topics.) TARHEEL4EVAH Water will be fine for me, too. So? Shall we get the necessary out of the way so we can get down to eating? missed breakfast this morning getting the boys off to school. (As all three clear space on the table; LIBSSUCK and DIPPYHIPPY gather as much cutlery from as many tables as they can easily reach so that each has a pile of knives and forks at hand.) TARHEEL4EVAH All right. You know the rules; last man standing pays for his opponent's lunch. On my mark. Ready. Set.. Go! (The Battle of Ideologies begins; LIBSSUCK and DIPPYHIPPY use the silverware as soldiers engaged in epic sword fights back and forth across the tabletop, complete with the screams and moans of the fallen between insults.)

3 DIPPYHIPPY Teabagger! LIBSSUCK Socialist! DIPPYHIPPY Oil Baron! LIBSSUCK Luddite! DIPPYHIPPY ALEC puppet! LIBSSUCK Move-On pawn! (They've created bunkers and fortresses from the napkin dispenser, menu holder and salt/pepper shakers.) DIPPYHIPPY Birther! LIBSSUCK Community Organizer! DIPPYHIPPY Faux News! LIBSSUCK Voter fraud! DIPPYHIPPY Patriot Act! LIBSSUCK Enviro-whacko! DIPPYHIPPY Limbaugh! Ooo! That's gotta hurt! with that one, folks! MSNBC! TARHEEL4EVAH Libbsuck takes it on the chin LIBSSUCK

4 DIPPYHIPPY Diebold! (LIBSSUCK has to think for a second.) LIBSSUCK Uh, ACORN! (DIPPYHIPPY moves in relentlessly for the kill; LIBBSUCK falters.) DIPPYHIPPY Sarah Palin! LIBSSUCK Ben... ghazi... DIPPYHIPPY Alan West! (A mortal blow; LIBBSUCK is obviously weakened.) LIBSSUCK Um... IRS? (The coup de grce: DIPPYHIPPY triumphantly squirts ketchup all over LIBBSUCK's fallen soldiers.) Cruz! Gohmert! BACHMANN! DIPPYHIPPY McConnell! Bachmann! Bachmann!

(DIPPYHIPPY dumps his remaining silverware on top of LIBBSUCK's with a final squirt of ketchup, ending the confrontation.) LIBSSUCK Yield, sir, yield! DIPPYHIPPY I will, worthy-yet-misguided opponent! TARHEEL4EVAH A victor! I declare Dippyhippy winner, and thus payer-oflunches-for-all! Hip, hip, hooray!

5 All? DIPPYHIPPY I thought it was just the loser?

TARHEEL4EVAH But everyone gets to eat in this game, by dipping our hands in the successful person's pocket. Yeah. LIBSSUCK Don't you know the rules, Commie Pinko scum? (Ruefully, DIPPYHIPPY gets out a credit card and lays it on the table.) DIPPYHIPPY So what you're saying is when it comes down to it, we as a social construct default to hierarchy rather than heterarchy. Who would have guessed? LIBSSUCK Sure, yeah, that. (TARHEEL nods in agreement.) Let's order, why don't we? The liberal's paying so I am extra hungry today. (Calls offstage.) Hey sweetcakes, come over here and tell my friends about the all-you-can-eat special. And bring us a pitcher of that good sweet tea y'all make, thank you so much. (They chuckle amongst themselves and straighten up the mess they made, but not too fussily; the lights fade.) END