SHIT. RUN.

These were the very first words I thought of as I saw both of them sit down on the couches from my seat on the table. The adrenaline rushed throughout my body, telling me to run. I didnt know what was going to happen next, only that I had been compromised. I stared directly at both of them, although they were both using their phones and didnt seem to notice my presence from twenty feet away. I quietly closed my laptop and sneaked away to my parents bathroom at the end of the hall. Then she called out my name. I stayed silent, it was MY name, not my nickname. I was about to be reprimanded for something I probably wasnt going to do(that day or the day after at least). I could hear her call out my name into the other two rooms, and then she found me. Her eyes were red, and you could hear it in her voice that she had been crying. She grabbed me and sat me down on my parents bed. Whats wrong? she sniffed. I stayed silent. Why did I just have to hear from *names withheld and replaced with John and Jane* that my little brother doesnt want to be here anymore? she began to choke up. I didnt say anything. Did you ever think about how we would feel? If you would have gone, I would have gone too. The tears began to stream again. I broke through the ball in my throat and managed to say Dont tell Mom or Dad. Im going to have to, youre not supposed to be feeling this way. She held me tight and continued to cry. Can I get a hug? I nodded and she left the room. I walked to my room and layed down on my brothers mattress. My little sister came into the room and asked Why is she crying? Is it because of (her former boyfriend)?. I lied and said yes. She rolled her eyes and left back to the living room. She couldnt know, not her. SHIT. RUN. August 30th, 2012. It was the day before my self chosen suicide date. It had been 4 years since I had started having suicidal thoughts, and a date that I had chosen finally felt like the right one. I still didnt know how I was going to do it. I tried to put a belt around my neck, thats how a very distant family member had done it, but it was too uncomfortable. Maybe a plastic bag? I really liked the idea of stabbing myself with one of the long kitchen knives. Worst case scenario I would have to eat some poisonous seeds and have bloody diarrhea for a few days until I would either die or survive with major organ damage. I got out of bed at around one, took a bath, put on some clothes, and began to eat some breakfast. About an hour later I opened up the computer and texted John. You're going to want to get your negatives by tomorrow. Are you going to cut them up? Less than a minute later, he replied YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING TOMORROW. John had been one of my classmates since I had switched into his school back in fourth grade. He was a tall kid, always full of energy to do something that would get anyone into trouble. Even today, I doubt his ability to ever work a desk job. We were pretty much acquaintances for most of the next seven years. Sure, I had gone to one of his birthday parties, and I even slept over in a tent he had set up in his front yard at the beginning of sophomore year. For the most part however, our interactions were through texts, myspace, and later facebook posts. I really didnt see much of him after he went to a different high school, got a job at a pizza shop, and he even fell in love with a girl who later broke his heart. His tumblr posts consisted of, and continue to consist of a love he wanted and of a love that he wants. I knew little of the story, but he wasnt happy, and I felt I could somewhat relate to his situation considering my luck with girls. I hadnt seen him in months until May. My birthday was dreadful, the week surrounding it was diluted with a very powerful depression. I simply did not want to exist. It was very easy to hide my birthday from almost everyone, all I did was deactivate my facebook the day before and poof, I didnt exist. I was dreading a birthday party(considering the fact that all I wanted to do was die), and after a weekend had passed and May had begun, I thought I was in the clear. Little did I know that they had set up a surprise party for the weekend after. John showed up, and after my mom invited him to a hiking trip with the Sierra club set two weeks after. He then invited me to his nephews birthday party, which was directly after the hiking trip. It was a brutal and hot day, but the party offered a great and shady place to cool off after. It was in the later hours that we talked, and for the first time, I admitted that I was sad to someone else. We hung out several times after, and we began to talk more and more, with film photography as a favorite pass time. By August, he knew that I wanted to die, and on the 19th I told him about my plans for the 31st. He objected, of course, and asked that I Live it out, if

not for you, for me, for your parents, for your sisters, for your friends. I wrote back what any person wanting to die would write and the conversation ended with You're living and its final. Don't reply I'll be asleep. Little did I know that this threat was one that he would follow through with. By the 29th I had decided to leave him a note on a private tumblr account that I felt was too sensitive to send through text messages. First and Foremost: I'm sorry. I'm sorry I told you. If I had kept my mouth shut, you would have never known and I could have gone in peace knowing that no one knew. Now all I'm asking is that you accept the fact that I don't want to exist anymore. That if I was to go, you wouldn't waste your time thinking about what you could have done. That your memories of me would fade quickly, and that in a year or two, you wouldn't even remember that I existed. That even in the future, when you look through your old yearbooks, that I'll be someone you'll be able to scan over and forget that we ever knew each other. I felt that this was what I needed to tell him before I left, I didnt want to have any goodbyes on the chance that he would tell. Now back to the 30th, the conversation continued: Me: I can't promise anything, you didn't open the link I sent you did you? John: Yes I did and sorry but I don't care that you think in going to stand and just not do anything about it. Unless I get your word, you to promise that you're not going to do anything to yourself then I'm going to have to do something Me: Please don't make this harder than it already is. I can't give you a definitive answer ok? I just can't. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but I have to prepare either way. Now like I asked before, are you going to cut those negatives up or not? I need to know so that I can scan the best photos at the highest resolution John: No I'm not going to cut them up idk scanning them in hd would be nice and we'll see... Me: What does well see mean John: Promise me and give me your word, or well see.... Me: Please dont do this John: You literally leave me no choice Me: 75% is the best I can do, please John: Its either 100% or nothing Me: You promised you would never tell John: I cant just not do anything Me: Why not John: Because Im your friend and youve quickly become one of my closest friends and thats not what friends do That last message was received at 4:44pm. I began to write a reply, and it went something like this: Yesterday I put a belt around my neck to see if that was the way I was going to go, and I couldnt. You know why? Because Im a fucking coward. It was in the middle of this message that the doorbell rang. I walked into the livingroom where both of my sisters were sitting on the couches, the older asleep, and the younger watching TV. I opened the door and it was Jane. Hi, wheres your older sister? Right here asleep My older sister awoke at the sound of her name and got up. Weve been texting you! My sister is in the car and she wants to talk to you I was already at my laptop by the time she finished that sentence and I didnt hear anything else other than the door closing as they both went outside. I met Jane when my mom switched me into her school in the second grade. Her mom became friends with my mom, and her older sister became friends with my older sister. They had apparently had this joke running that I would end up marrying her, though she was never my type, we were opposites in personality.

We werent very close, Id only hang out with her every few months or so. As it turns out, John showed her the message I had left him on tumblr and gave him the extra push to finally tell my parents. I continued to think of what to finish the message with, but I left that to the side as I kept using the computer. And then SHIT. RUN. After my little sister had gone back to the living room, I continued to lay there. SHIT. RUN. still ran through my head. Then my older sister came back with John & Jane and told me that I shouldnt be mad at them for being good friends. She then left to tell my older brother and Mom while they both stayed at my door. It was a long silence before I finally said:Shit. John: what? Me:This.(about a minute passed by before I said) you could have waited, I wasnt going to do it Jane: We were scared I gave a sarcastic HA!. At least you dont have to hide it anymore John said. I couldnt handle it, I got up and left my room to get a bottle of water. Then my Dad came home, he took me to his room and began to talk. He said he was disappointed in an angry tone, reminding me that he considered suicide a cowardly act. My Mom came in a few minutes later and they both took turns talking. I stayed quiet, I was a deer in headlights. It was decided that I go the hospital, and so I ended up in the ER with someone at my door the entire time I was there. I talked to two doctors, and since I had done nothing, I was able to get out that same night. I sent John & Jane a message of fake forgiveness, I didnt hate them at that moment, but I eventually did a week later. For the first week, I couldnt believe that the secret was out. I cant entirely express September, I had to register for my Senior year of highschool on the day it started because I didnt think Id be alive for it. I had to be in three AP classes for the first two weeks because my Academic advisor had placed me in them the year before, which were a whole other hell that I had to live through(though after I realized that I had overreacted). I was surprised at the amount of people that talked to me in the following months. Thinking Id be dead in a few months during Junior year made me cold, trying to pull back and distance myself from everyone so that any funeral or memorial ceremony in my name would go unattended. Id hate to have classmates at my funeral pretending to have known me. I suffered at night. The suicidal thoughts were worse than at any other point in my life. I was finally assigned to a therapist about a month later, but I didnt connect to her at all. I kept attending her sessions because my parents wanted me to, but secretly I was getting worse. After Thanksgiving I stopped going. I noticed something troubling beginning to happen soon after. I still followed John on twitter, and every bit of good news that he tweeted, like him getting his license, triggered me. The worst day was the day I was walking home from school, I stopped for a break when I read that he had been accepted into several colleges. I hadnt applied to any because I had failed a crucial math course. I was surprised, and soon my heart started to beat like never before. I got up and started walking, a surge of adrenaline ran through my veins and I just kept walking. I was suicidal. It had only happened at night before, but this was something different entirely. I had to fight with myself so that I wouldnt jump in front of each car that kept passing by. I thought about walking all the way to the train tracks and just standing there, luckily they were too far away and by the time I reached a park I knew that I would pass out from exhaustion before getting there. I stopped and sat down, but I couldnt keep still, so I took out a pen and wrote what came to mind. I was right, Im not going to get better. Im sorry. Dont mourn for me, I wont be feeling any pain anymore. This is my choice, I was really hoping I would end it sooner. I want to be dead. Ill be in a better place, where I wont disappoint any of you. Never let me be the cause of your grief. Forget me. I kept that note in my binder and got on a bus that took me home. The next day I opened the binder during English class and I was startled. I folded the note and put it into my pocket, the girl sitting next to me laughed, I guess it was funny to see me trying to fit a note into my shirt pocket. When I got home I put it into a letter and into my drawers. I took Goldbergs depression test a few days later and found that I scored a sixty(with fifty-four being severe depression). Weeks later my mom found the note, but I was able to snatch it before she was able to read it. I burned it minutes after. I was a mess. My relationships with John and Jane were rocky, John and I stopped talking completely after January. Jane and I still talked, but only online, we hung out twice this year. I was lost, setting June 12th as my new suicide date, after I had graduated(even though I wasnt planning on going to my ceremony). I was planning on finishing up everything, nothing would stop me this time. When one day I was told that Id be seeing a

new psychologist. He was a nice guy, but I didnt feel like I was improving initially. He ended up diagnosing me with ADHD and I actually ended up learning a lot from him. It didnt happen overnight, but something started to change. Over the next few months I started to feel different. I started to get less and less depressed, and eventually I flatlined. I wasnt tossing and turning all night thinking about killing myself anymore. I was feeling different, something in me had changed. I was still depressed(my current score is 20-30), but it was nowhere near what I had experienced before. I realized that I had lost the ability to smile back in middle school, and so with lots of effort, I gained back that ability; and with it, I was able to finally feel confident enough to show up in photographs again, after 4 years I finally felt comfortable with who I was. On June 12th, I left home and stepped aboard an airplane that took me to Europe. I didnt get back until a few weeks ago. What a twist of events right? Ive experienced the lowest and highest points in my life in these last 365 days. Am I success story? No, Ive got a long road ahead of me, Im not trying to make my life seem perfect, because its not. Im probably going to fall and stumble again, I feel like Im on a cliff, and something could easily take me back down, but its nowhere near what I was feeling before. What Im trying to say is that you need to wait. Before you do anything, wait, and do your best to help yourself. Dont expect people to do things for you, youre already feeling lonely, so why expect someone to save you? The road to recovery, or at least stability, will lead you to the deepest and darkest levels of your soul before you even see a ray of sunlight. Is that ray of sunlight worth it? No, but what comes after totally is. So get help, youre not doing anyone a favor by staying silent. One day, youll realize how stupid you were. So heres what you need to do. Stop going to suicide or depression related websites like this subreddit, youre only feeding your depression. Get a psychologist that you can relate with, its no use getting help if its from someone you dont connect with. Make friends, all of you are lucky enough to have better social skills than I do, so go out and talk to people. Start planning for the future, its ok if you dont have anything specific down, I still dont, choose a dream that you want to accomplish and follow it. Finally, stay alive, for the 99% of the shit that youre going to have to deal with that we call life, youll come to realize that the 1% is so worth it. Look up kid, good things dont happen if youre focused on the floor.