The B-Show By Ben Anderson

INT. NAIL SALON - DAY MELINDA GARDNER (41), well put-together woman, reclines in one of the chairs. A VIETNAMESE WOMAN buffs her nails. ERIN (17), Melindas daughter, sits in the chair beside her. INT. HAIR SALON - LATER A HAIRDRESSER SNIPS away at Melindas hair. INT. NAIL SALON - LATER The VIETNAMESE WOMAN plucks Melindas eyebrows. INT. GYM - LATER Melinda and Erin... --Run on a treadmill. --Chest-press on a weight machine. --Peddle a stationary bike. --Curl dumbbells. All the while they are ogled by the men in the gym. INT. GARDNER HOME - MASTER BATHROOM Melinda applies makeup meticulously. INT. GARDNER HOME - ENTRY WAY She stands at the doorway, bags in tow. MELINDA Im about to head out. LUKE (40), her husband, is absorbed by the TV. He watches MATCH GAME. LUKE (half-acknowledging) OK. Have a good trip.

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INT. PINKBERRYS - DAY Melinda eats Greek yogurt. She is accompanied by her friend RHONDA (52). MELINDA I try. I try so hard. But Im no competition for fucking Gene Rayburn. RHONDA Your husband is such a jackass. MELINDA I workout. I get my hair done. I look fucking good. RHONDA. Yes, you do. So good. MELINDA He doesnt notice. He doesnt care. RHONDA Im tired of hearing about this. Find someone who will appreciate you. MELINDA Oh, OK. Im supposed to get a divorce because my husband watches TV. RHONDA You can get a divorce for anything. I divorced Pete because he snored. MELINDA I thought he poisoned your Activia? RHONDA In retaliation. I poisoned his nasal strips. MELINDA Are the poisonings not the cause of the divorce? RHONDA I poisoned him because he snored.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: MELINDA I cant -RHONDA (pronounced "Rafe") What do you think about Ralph? Hes cute. MELINDA Yeah. RHONDA He looks like a slutty Dave Coulier. Yummy. MELINDA Yummy? RHONDA Oh, youre so above-everything. MELINDA Thank you. RHONDA Im just saying, test the waters while you still can. EXT. GARDNER HOME - DAY

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Melinda walks out the door clutching travel luggage. She approaches a car and hops in. EXT. CAR ON DRIVEWAY RALPH (32) sits in the drivers seat. Hes the type of guy who wants to be European but embodies the "stupid American" cliche. Hes handsome in a slightly smarmy way. MELINDA Hey, Ralph. RALPH Wow. You really look beautiful. MELINDA Come on. RALPH No, like seriously beautiful. Melinda GIGGLES.

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INT. SIMONS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT On the walls hangs wrestling memorabilia -- championship belts, news clipping, a picture of a long-haired wrestler holding a championship belt. Luke is sprawled-out on the couch. SIMON (31), the wrestler from the picture, sits in a chair beside him. Its clear that they are brothers. The two drink beer. LUKE I just feel like shes not telling me something. SIMON Why? LUKE Shes being -- not bitchy, but kinda cold. SIMON Shes banging someone. LUKE Come on, man. SIMON Ive seen this before. My ex, Theresa. I used to hear her having sex. Obviously not with me. So Id rush in and try to catch her cheating, but I never could. Then one time, I check under the bed. Turns out she was fucking a midget. LUKE (laughing) No! SIMON When she heard my footsteps, shed shove the little fucker into a box and slide him under the bed. Like a teddy. LUKE Im not really worried about anything like that.

(CONTINUED)

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SIMON You check under your bed. Melindas probably railin the whole fuckin Lollipop Guild. LUKE Im not worried. SIMON You should be. Try getting cuckolded by a dwarf. Its humiliating. Its like getting beat up by -- actually a dwarf again. LUKE She wouldnt cheat on me. SIMON Does she have any male friends? LUKE No. SIMON Really? LUKE I mean theres the guy she carpools with. Kinda looks like a meth dealer. Not really her type. SIMON What do you think you look like? LUKE I look like a crack dealer. SIMON Its that arrogance. Thats whats driving her away. LUKE What a douche. SIMON Shes screwing her carpool buddy. Is he a midget? LUKE No.

(CONTINUED)

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SIMON At least you have that. Luke BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER. INT. LUKES CUBICLE - DAY Luke sits at his desk filling out a report. A CO-WORKER taps on the partition. CO-WORKER Lukas, Hank needs you. INT. HANKS OFFICE Hank sits nervously rearranging the items on his desk. Luke enters the room. Hank stands. HANK Luke. LUKE Kim said you needed me. HANK Yeah. Sit down if you will. Luke takes a seat facing Hank. HANK You have been an employee here for how many years? LUKE Ten years in March. HANK Ten years, man. Thats a hell of a run. Thats a milestone. LUKE I guess it is. HANK You know you are a... cherished and... magnanimous part of this company.

(CONTINUED)

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LUKE Thanks. HANK I just thought you should hear that from me. Thats all. LUKE So -- is that it? HANK Yes. Luke stands up and starts to leave the room. He reaches the door... HANK No. Luke, Im trying to lay you off. I dont know how to go about it exactly. LUKE Oh. HANK Im sorry. I wasnt bullshitting. Honest to God, we love you, man. But we cant afford to keep you on. If there were some way to keep you working here without paying you, we would do that. LUKE (quietly) Thats slavery. HANK Yeah, I Googled it. Its unconstitutional. I was bummed. LUKE Well. Luke stands to leave. HANK Talk to Sylvia if you have any questions about your severance package.

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INT. GARDNER HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY Luke watches SPORTSCENTER. The door opens. Melinda enters the room. MELINDA What are you doing home? LUKE I got laid off. MELINDA What did you do? LUKE It was downsizing. MELINDA Why would they get rid of a veteran employee? Arent they supposed to get rid of the new people first? LUKE I dont know. Melinda stares at Luke for a beat. MELINDA What did you do? LUKE Nothing. Could you back off? MELINDA It had to be bad. Youre getting defensive. LUKE Im not. MELINDA (half-joking) Did you sleep with Hanks wife? LUKE No. Melindas face straightens. MELINDA You looked left.

(CONTINUED)

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LUKE And? MELINDA Its a sign that youre lying. Were those her panties I found in your car? LUKE They were tighty whities. MELINDA Whose tighty whities? LUKE Im not fucking Spongebob. MELINDA I cant talk to you about anything serious. Do you realize how hard you are to talk to? LUKE Yeah. MELINDA You dont listen. Its like talking to a retarded monkey every time I ask you to do something. LUKE When do you ever ask me to do anything? MELINDA I asked you to look at cars for Olivias birthday. Like two weeks ago. LUKE I did! MELINDA You bought a fucking El Camino. On the internet. LUKE The El Camino is a wonderful machine. MELINDA The El Camino is the vehicular equivalent of the mullet. (CONTINUED)

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Melinda walks into the kitchen. MELINDA (O.S.) Why couldnt you just get her a normal car for a normal person? Luke follows. KITCHEN Melinda grabs a beer out of the fridge. LUKE I suppose you would have preferred a Toyota? Perhaps a Honda? MELINDA Yes! LUKE How many girls her age drive those? Shed get lost in the crowd. MELINDA Its called fitting in. LUKE I just dont want Erin to become a Stepford-daughter. MELINDA Well, you cant decide her goals. And thank God for that. A beat. LUKE Whats that supposed to mean? MELINDA Where have your decisions brought you? LUKE To this argument. MELINDA (under her breath) To the fucking unemployment line.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: LUKE Jesus Christ. That doesnt disqualify me as a parent. Several tense beats. LUKE Im going to Simons. Ill be back tomorrow before the kids get home. Luke steps out the door. INT. CLUB - NIGHT Simon and Luke sit on bar-stools sipping drinks. SIMON Shes cheating. I can smell it on you. You smell defeated. Like a zebra carcass. LUKE I do not smell like a corpse. SIMON You do. Theres not a woman within fifteen yards of us. We are in a sea of probable date rapists, only cause theyre used to the pungent odor of death. LUKE You said were going to have a good time. Why are you being an asshole? SIMON First of all, I apologize -- on your behalf -- for calling me an asshole. Second, how fucking dare you? Im trying to open your eyes, man. Melinda is horrible. LUKE No, she isnt. SIMON Shes the fucking devil. I can smell it on her. LUKE Oh, yeah. What does that smell like?

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SIMON Ill tell you what she smells like, the guy shes banging behind your back. LUKE Ive about fuckin had it with you talking about Melinda that way. SIMON Do something, man. You wanna fight me? LUKE Not at all. SIMON You need to learn to get angry. I used to be like you. All zen-like and shit. Then I realized that anger is a natural human emotion. You arent fully appreciating the human experience if you suppress your anger. LUKE Im going home. INT. GARDNER HOUSE - BEDROOM Melinda and Ralph lie in bed, covered in bedsheets. They watch a baseball game. Orel Hershiser does play-by-play. RALPH How bad do you have to hate your kid to name it "Orel?" EXT. GARDNER HOME - CONTINUOUS Luke pulls into the driveway. INT. MELINDA AND LUKES BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Melinda jumps out of bed in her bra and panties and goes to the window overlooking the driveway. MELINDA Shit. Fuck. Shit.

(CONTINUED)

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RALPH What? MELINDA Lukes home. RALPH You said he was gone until tomorrow. MELINDA Apparently he came home early. Get in the closet. Ralph hastily gathers his belongings and jumps into the closet. Melinda quickly throws on clothes and SPRAYS PERFUME around the room. LUKE (0.S.) (becoming more audible as he moves through the house) Melinda! Melinda! Where are you? MELINDA Bed room! Luke enters the room. LUKE Im so sorry. MELINDA Its okay. LUKE Im an asshole. I realize that. You shouldnt have to deal with it. MELINDA You arent an asshole. Luke draws closer to her. LUKE I am. And Im sorry. Luke kisses Melinda. LUKE Have you started smoking?

(CONTINUED)

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MELINDA Yeah. Camels. Dont worry, Im getting hypnotized. Luke spots a watch on the nightstand and breaks his embrace with Melinda. He approaches. He picks up the watch. LUKE Whose watch? MELINDA Mine. LUKE (checking the inside) Your name isnt Ralph. RALPH (emerging from the closet) Its pronounced "Rafe", you Yankee swine. LUKE Who is this? MELINDA Luke, Ive wanted to tell you about this for a long time. LUKE No. I dont want to know. "Rafe", please get the fuck out. RALPH We had sex. LUKE I assumed. RALPH I cuckolded you. Luke swings at Ralph CONNECTING WITH HIS EYE. Ralph crumples. INT. GARDNER HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY Luke and Melinda sit on a couch facing Erin and COLIN (16) -- their son.

(CONTINUED)

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MELINDA Your father and I have decided that were getting a divorce. Erins face goes from shocked to angry to grief stricken in a few moments. She sobs. Colins nostrils flare. COLIN Jesus Christ. You said this was going to be a family announcement. You made it sound like we were going to the Bahamas. MELINDA We both hate to do this. COLIN I mean, yeah its shitty that youre getting a divorce, but its doubly shitty that you prepared us for this by saying you had an announcement. MELINDA Im sorry. COLIN Its just like when you took us to laser-tag to tell us that grandpa died. LUKE She feels terrible about it. COLIN Do we have to choose sides? LUKE No, no. Please dont. COLIN Who am I living with? LUKE Your mother will be staying in the house. Im getting an apartment in Raleigh. Several beats of silence.

(CONTINUED)

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ERIN (struggling through tears) Why is everyone so fucking calm? INT. DINER - MORNING Luke and Ralph sit in a booth. Ralphs eye is deeply bruised. RALPH Before we start, Ill throw this out there -- I have pepper spray and handcuffs. If you try to hit me, I will defend myself. LUKE Im not going to hit you. A WAITRESS approaches the men. WAITRESS What can I get yall? RALPH Steak and eggs. LUKE Coffee. Thanks. The waitress shuffles off. LUKE Why did you want to talk? If youre looking for an apology you can fuck off. RALPH Business. I want to start a company. LUKE Good for you? RALPH I need a partner. LUKE What kind of company? RALPH Wrestling.

(CONTINUED)

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Luke laughs. The waitress sets a cup of coffee in front of Luke. LUKE Thanks. Luke reaches for a sugar packet. Ralph is startled by the action and unsheathes a bottle of pepper spray. LUKE Take it easy. RALPH No more sudden movements. Luke CHUCKLES. He sips his coffee. LUKE For your information, my brother is the wrestler. RALPH I know, I want him as a partner too. LUKE Why dont you talk to him. RALPH I did. He said no. LUKE Then theres your answer. RALPH No, I need him. LUKE Tough fuckin luck. RALPH I need you to get him to join the company. LUKE Why would I ever do that? RALPH So I dont press charges against you for battery. Lukes face straightens. The waitress sets down Ralphs order. Ralph cuts into it and takes a bite.

(CONTINUED)

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RALPH I need you to invest capital into the company as well. Ralph reaches for the pepper shaker. Its empty. He considers the situation for a moment then gives the steak a squirt with the bottle of pepper spray. LUKE How much? RALPH Ten-thousand for fifteen percent. LUKE That wipes me out, man. RALPH I didnt choose for you to punch me in the face. Anyway, youll get a return eventually if everything goes to plan. LUKE You know what, just press charges. RALPH If I press charges Ill sue you for double that. But if you pony up the money now, you stand to profit. Luke places a tip on the table and walks away. RALPH One more thing, youre going to be my second-in-command! The vice-president! INT. SIMONS HOUSE - DAY Luke enters. LUKE Simon. SIMON Kitchen.

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KITCHEN Simon stands on a ladder fixing a light fixture. LUKE Did Ralph try to get you to join his company? SIMON Yeah. Why? LUKE And you said no? SIMON Well, yeah. His concept is amateur hour. LUKE What if I promise you that it isnt? That its legit. SIMON Its not legit at all. LUKE Its a solid business model. This could really be your chance to get back to the show. Simon stops working and climbs down. SIMON If I wanted to be back in the show, all I would need to do is make a call. I chose to leave it. I dont want to live that way. LUKE I would be there for you. SIMON I know. I dont doubt that. I just think its a bad idea. LUKE OK. I respect that.

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INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM - MORNING In the middle of the basketball court lies a wrestling ring. Inside the ring are several MUSCULAR MEN IN TIGHTS. One MAN IN THE RING is middle-aged. He wears a monochrome sweatsuit and leads the rest in stretching exercises. Ralph stands outside the ring observing. Luke approaches him. The two watch the action. RALPH Wheres your brother? LUKE He said he isnt coming. RALPH Did you tell him its his shot at a comeback? LUKE Yeah. RALPH It doesnt make sense. LUKE I mean I can understand. Wrestling chewed him up. RALPH How? LUKE Suffice it to say he couldnt pass a drug test. Eventually it got him booted. RALPH You should have told me that. I could have leveraged that information. LUKE I apologize. The next time you want to take advantage of my brother just be upfront about it. RALPH OK.

(CONTINUED)

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LUKE Whos the sweatsuit guy? RALPH Ollie Olbermann. LUKE That is a classy sweatsuit. Looks like he raided the lost-and-found at a "Waffle House." RALPH He happens to be the greatest wrestler of all time this side of the Rio Grande. LUKE And on top of that he dresses like the biggest pimp in the rest-home. SIMON (O.S.) Ollie fuckin Olbermann. Ralph and Luke turn to see Simon. RALPH Thank sweet Satan. Ollie hops down from the ring and approaches Simon. OLLIE Simon! SIMON How are these chaps doing? OLLIE Theyre doing alright for young bloods. I think theyve got the fundamentals down. SIMON You got room for an old blood? THE RING The WRESTLERS grapple. OLLIE Always do.

(CONTINUED)

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SIMON These kids need work. OLLIE Thats why were here. Ollie and Simon climb into the ring. The other WRESTLERS in the ring are: CHARLIE, PHILLIP, DOUG. OLLIE Alright, alright. Enough of this cluster-fuck. Show me your headlocks. The wrestlers pair up. SIMON Now the key to this is not the headlock. The key is the man in the headlock. You have to sell it. You gotta stomp the canvas, you gotta spit, you gotta go red in the face. It has to look like youre dying. Ollie takes Simon in a headlock. Simon demonstrates the proper technique -- he SPITS and SHOUTS and STOMPS the ground aggressively. SIMON The secrets out nowadays. Wrestling is fake. And that means that you have to go above-and-beyond to make your shows look authentic. ANGLE ON: RALPH AND LUKE. RALPH He knows his shit. MONTAGE OVER WEEKS: (Between each scene the characters change clothes -- always some combination of a t-shirt and tights.) --Ollie and Simon demonstrating how to punch without causing harm. --Ollie and Simon demonstrate the scoop-slam, step-by-step.

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EXT. OLD SHOP - NIGHT --Colin and a FEW FRIENDS GRAFFITI a wall with the words: HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING. An OLD MAN with a flashlight chases them off. They run around a corner and jump into a panel-van. Ralph is at the wheel. INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM --Simon takes out a razor and shows the wrestlers. He turns around and Ollie smashes a chair over his head. Simon stands up with a blood-smeared face. MAIN STREET SIDEWALKS --Ralph walks clutching fliers in his hands. He comes to a stop. He and a chihuahua lock into a staring contest. INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM --Simon stands on the top-rope and executes an aerial clothesline on CHARLIE. --Simon SMASHES a trashcan over Phillips head. MAIN STREET SIDEWALKS --Ralph walks holding fliers in one hand and a dog leash in the other. He has adopted the chihuahua. Ralph stops at a light pole to staple a flier. He sees a flier with his chihuahuas face and the words "MISSING -- FIFTY DOLLAR REWARD" in all caps above it. He STAPLES his flier over it. INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM --Simon and Doug engage in a full-fledged match. They are full-regalia. Doug is painted like an Indian warrior. Simon as a Mormon missionary. Ralph is dressed as a ref. Doug EXECUTES A GERMAN-SUPLEX on Simon. --Doug performs a villainous monologue directed at Charlie. We only hear the concluding line... DOUG And your mother is a cum-dumpster.

(CONTINUED)

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SIMON No. This is a family show. Doug regroups. DOUG Your mother is a... cum... guzzler? SIMON No. DOUG Your mothers camel-toe -SIMON No! INT. RADIO STATION - DAY --Ralph sits in a booth wearing headphones. He DEEPENS HIS VOICE to sound like Saruman. RALPH HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING -WHERE THE MEN KICK ASS AND THE WOMEN DISPLAY TASTEFUL AMOUNTS OF CLEAVAGE. INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM --The ring is set for a hardcore match: barbed wire, ladders, tables, chairs. Simon SUPLEXES Charlie THROUGH A TABLE. --Simon POWER-BOMBS Doug from the top-rope. EXT. PANEL VAN - DAY --Ralph, Colin, and Colins friends ride around slapping stickers reading "HCW" onto every car they see. INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM --Ollie wields a camera to record the days events. In the ring Charlie lies on a table. Simon climbs a ladder in the corner of the ring. He hesitates for a moment then jumps. He crashes through the table, EXECUTING AN ELBOW-DROP. EVERYONE in attendance goes wild SCREAMING and CLAPPING. Charlie congratulates Simon.

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END MONTAGE. THE RING A ladder and a table stand in the middle of the ring. Simon takes Doug into the corner. SIMON Are you sure youre ready for this? DOUG Yeah, yeah Im good. SIMON If youre not you can back out. No judgment. DOUG Im good. I got you. Ralph and Luke look on nervously. Doug climbs the ladder. He reaches the top and balances. DOUG This is pretty high up. SIMON Doug. You good? DOUG No. Dougs knees begin to shake. SIMON Take a breath. Settle down. And climb back down slowly. Doug tries to slowly climb down but loses balance. The ladder FLIPS and he FALLS out of the ring. Simon jumps out of the ring. ANGLE ON: PERIMETER OF THE RING Doug is curled-up on the ground. A bone protrudes through his leg. DOUG I wasnt ready. Why did you let me do that?

(CONTINUED)

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SIMON Someone get an ambulance. EXT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM - DAY Simon smokes a cigarette. Ralph approaches. RALPH What the fuck were you thinking? SIMON He said he was ready. RALPH He wasnt. And now were a wrestler short. We have a house-show in three days. How am I supposed to find a wrestler who can absorb six-weeks of training in three days? SIMON Ollie could... RALPH Ollie is a fossil. SIMON Luke knows the routine. Couldnt he wrestle? Just until we find someone else. INT. DRESSING ROOM - NIGHT It is the night of the first house-show. Luke stands in front of a mirror. He wears nothing but a cowboy hat and skin-tight leather pants. Simon stands beside him in a Mormon missionary uniform. LUKE Jesus, I dont want to do it. SIMON What would mom say? LUKE Stop dressing like a pansexual cowboy.

(CONTINUED)

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SIMON You stop it. She was an open-minded lady. What would she say? LUKE I dont know. SIMON We can run it by a Ouija Board. I dont want a poltergeist any more than you, but we can do this. LUKE I dont know. I guess "follow your heart." SIMON No! LUKE Then what would she say? SIMON Shed say "Dont quit." LUKE That seems kind of convenient for the situation. SIMON Well, maybe I consulted a Ouija Board. INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM - NIGHT The bleachers are set out and the gym is packed with SPECTATORS. THE RING Charlie and Phillip stand in one corner of the ring. They wear dark colors. Ralph is dressed in a refs uniform. Ollie films the action. The Last of the Mohicans theme BLASTS FROM THE SPEAKERS. Simon emerges from the locker room dressed as a Mormon missionary. Luke in his cowboy get-up. Simon expertly works the crowd. He kisses an ELDERLY WOMANs hand. He signs a CHUBBY KIDs face. Luke high-fives a FEW KIDS.

(CONTINUED)

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The two wrestlers climb into the ring. They stand in the middle scanning the crowd for a few moments. They exchange a glance. Simon rips off his shirt to reveal a muscle shirt reading: Latter Day Sinner. The CROWD is in a FRENZY. Simon STRIPS-OFF his dress-pants to reveal tights. Ralph approaches the Latter Day Sinners. He acts like he is checking for foreign objects. RALPH You sure that youre ready, Luke? LUKE I dont know ab -Ralph walks away. He now checks for foreign objects on Charlie and Phillip. LUKE (to Charlie) Just remember, your job is to be hated. Say whatever will make the crowd hate you. You understand? CHARLIE I got this. Ralph hands Charlie the mic and walks away. CHARLIE (with a thick Southern accent) Ya know what me and my brother hate? Mormons. The crowd CHEERS IN AGREEMENT. CHARLIE And... and Hispanics. The ROAR OF APPROVAL grows louder. CHARLIE Armenians? The ROAR CRESCENDOS. CHARLIE OK. We hate Jesus and titties. The crowd goes silent.

(CONTINUED)

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SPECTATOR BOOOO. The crowd follows suit and BOOS viciously. Charlie tosses the mic to Ralph. Luke and Phillip stand outside of the ring on their respective sides. Charlie and Simon grab each other by the head and exchange a volley of right-hands. Charlie head-butts Simon, putting him in a daze. Simon stumbles back towards the ropes. Charlie grabs his arm and flips him onto the ground. He puts Simon into a sleeper-hold. Simon struggles to reach the rope for what seems like an eternity as the crowd CHEERS HIM ON. Simon feigns unconsciousness as Ralph threatens to call the match. With his eyes close, Simon miraculously grabs the rope. Ralph breaks the hold and the two wrestlers go to their respective corner. Charlie charges Simon. Simon steps aside and pushes Charlie into the ropes. Charlie acts embarrassed and enraged. Simon LAUGHS. The crowd LAUGHS. Charlie charges Simon again. This time Simon dodges and grabs Charlies arm. He twists it. Charlie delivers several blows to Simons face. Simon absorbs the first few but breaks his hold. Charlie scissor-kicks Simon onto the canvas. Charlie LAUGHS maniacally at the crowd. He BOUNCES off the ropes and leg-drops Simon. Charlie TAGS-IN Phillip. Phillip climbs the top-rope. He jumps attempting an elbow-drop. Simon rolls out of the way at the last second. Phillip CRASHES to the canvas. The crowd ROARS. Both he and Simon lie prone in the middle of the ring, feigning unconsciousness. They each slowly crawl toward their corners to tag-out. The spectators are shitting their pants at this point. They each tag-out simultaneously. Luke and Charlie charge each other. Charlie attempts the clothes-line but Luke ducks. Charlie BOUNCES wildly off the ropes. Luke pivots and SCOOP-SLAMS Charlie. Luke TAGS-OUT and Simon climbs to the top rope. The crowd reaches its loudest CHEER in anticipation. Luke spreads his arms and executes a Swanton Bomb. He pins Charlie. Ralph COUNTS OUT the "1,2,3" in unison with the crowd. Simon lifts Lukes hand in the air in celebration while the crowd lets out a DEAFENING ROAR.

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INT. EXTREME WRESTLING COMPANY HQ - ALBERTS OFFICE ALBERT DENTON sits behind his desk sketching on a legal pad. His door OPENS. Ollie enters carrying a briefcase. ALBERT The receptionist said this was a stripper-gram. OLLIE Who says its not? ALBERT Common decency. Ollie sits. OLLIE Albert, Im going to throw you a bone. Ive discovered the company thats going to put EWC out of business. Ollie takes a CD out of his briefcase. ALBERT (laughing) Oh, yes? OLLIE They dont know it yet, but in a few years theyre going to be the biggest thing in professional wrestling. That is if you dont do something. Ollie inserts the disc into Alberts computer. ALBERT Youre talking out of your ass. Theres nothing they could have that I couldnt at the snap of my fingers. OLLIE They have the worlds greatest wrestler. Ollie plays the CD.

(CONTINUED)

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OLLIE Listen to that crowd. ALBERT Simon Gardner. OLLIE Yep. Hes back. ALBERT Is he clean? OLLIE Clean as a whistle. ALBERT Alright. Alright, well Ill buy out his contract. OLLIE His brother owns the company. He wont leave his brother. Albert considers the situation for a few beats. ALBERT So, they arent aware of what they have, right? OLLIE Theyre oblivious. ALBERT What if I bought the company? I could incorporate it into EWC. OLLIE Now thats the type of thinking that got you on top! INT. DINER Ollie and Ralph sit in a booth. OLLIE Hes willing to pay quadruple the current net-worth, plus hell retain all employees, and everyone gets a raise.

(CONTINUED)

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RALPH What will I do? OLLIE He wants you to be a PR executive. RALPH How much does that pay? OLLIE Six-figures. Ralph scratches his head. RALPH Well, that sounds like a deal doesnt it? INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM Ralph stands on a crate. Everyone involved with the company is gathered around. RALPH Everyone say goodbye to this stale-fart smelling hell-hole, because effective at midnight we will be merging with EWC. And everyone is going to be retained. The mob of employees cheers. RALPH Our first show is July 18th in Raleigh. This is the big stage, guys. Lets be on our A-game. EXT. PNC ARENA - DAY Lukes car hums through the parking lot. The outside of the arena is peppered with giant posters all in reference to EWC. INT. PNC ARENA The CROWD inexplicably CHANTS: "USA! USA!"

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We scan the crowd: A KID with a wrestling shirt simply reading "EWC". A GROWN MAN with a championship belt slung across his shoulder. AN ELDERLY MEN wearing a kilt and a multi-colored afro-wig. Each one of them is transfixed by the action. THE RING Simon EXECUTES A SWANTON BOMB onto a prone Charlie. He makes the pin and the crowd ERUPTS. INT. NIGHTCLUB The EWC-sponsored after-party. RAP MUSIC THUMPS. Ralph stands with his mother, CYNTHIA (55). An average middle-aged woman. The picture of health. Ralph attempts to woo a GORGEOUS BLONDE WOMAN. RALPH (to the blonde) Hey. This is my mom, Cynthia. BLONDE (shaking hands with Cynthia) Hey there. CYNTHIA Hi. Ralph talks to Cynthia as if she is a pet. RALPH (to Cynthia) Run along now. Go make some friends. Cynthia walks away. RALPH She doesnt have much left in her. The doctors asked me to put her down. I refused. BLONDE Thats so sad. How old is she? RALPH Fifty-five.

(CONTINUED)

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34.

BLONDE Thats not that old. RALPH (solemn tone) I dont know. Shes aging in dog years or something, cause she looks frail as shit to me. THE BAR Luke sits on a stool. A BARTENDER serves drinks. Luke stares at a PRETTY WOMAN who sits at the end of the table. The two make eye contact. Luke tries to play it off. LUKE (to the bartender) Could I get a -He glances back at the woman. She holds her stare. Luke turns his head again to the bartender. LUKE A, uh...um, shit, a bourbon, I guess. Luke feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns to see the woman from across the table. WOMAN Hey, Im Jordan. LUKE Luke. JORDAN So, what do you do? LUKE I take pictures of cats. Then I post them on the internet. JORDAN Can I see one? LUKE Sure. Luke takes out his phone and hands it to Jordan.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

35.

JORDAN You were serious. Can I ask why the kitten is dressed as a dominatrix? LUKE Thats not a dominatrix. JORDAN What other theme involved ass-less chaps? LUKE It was cowboys and Indians. The puppy was an Indian. JORDAN Why didnt you dress him up? LUKE I did, but the feathers and the sequins and the loincloths and shit -- its like Native American culture was invented by Elton John. JORDAN If Im going to force my puppy to dress up as a gay man, Id choose Anderson Cooper. LUKE That man is gorgeous. Hes on my go-gay list. JORDAN You cant put a gay guy on your go-gay list. LUKE Why? JORDAN Then youre just one step away. Its not a fantasy. LUKE Getting lubed up and wrestling the Silver Fox will always be a fantasy. JORDAN Wow. You truly have fantasized about this.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

36.

LUKE Its dreaming. Its fun. Whats your go-gay list? No daytime show hostesses. Theyre all lesbians. JORDAN Kate Upton is hot. LUKE Youre so shallow. JORDAN Oh please, and you arent, Mrs. Cooper? LUKE First of all, he would take my surname. JORDAN You assume you would be the dominant? LUKE I mean, Im a southern gentleman. Our first test-tube baby would be given his name. JORDAN I thought about letting you ask me out on a date, but I think youre hung up on the Fox. LUKE No, no. Anderson hasnt even confirmed interest in me. Though I have emailed him. Jordan LAUGHS. LUKE Are you a dancer? JORDAN Only to pay my way through college. LUKE No, I mean -JORDAN Would I like to dance?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

37.

LUKE Yes, may I have this dance? THE DANCE FLOOR A JUMBLE OF TWENTY-SOMETHINGS in contorted and overtly sexual positions GRINDING and FLAILING. THE BAR JORDAN Thats not a dance-floor. Theyre dry-humping. LUKE May I have this dry-hump? JORDAN When you put it that way, I cant say no. THE DANCE FLOOR Jordan and Luke slow-dance to SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT RAP. They are surrounded by DRY-HUMPERS. LUKE Do you mind if I show you around the city? Luke takes Jordan by the hand and leads her out of the club. They pass Simon. He high-fives Luke. MONTAGE: INT. LUKES CAR ON HIGHWAY - NIGHT --Jordan finds a tazer in the glove compartment. Luke shrugs. EXT. DORTON ARENA --Luke and Jordan lie on the slope of the roof. Luke points out a constellation.

38. OAK VIEW PARK --Luke and Jordan stroll. They come upon a HOMELESS MAN. INT. LUKES CAR ON HIGHWAY --Luke, Jordan, and the homeless man ride through the night. EXT. RESTAURANT --The homeless man rummages through a dumpster. Luke and Jordan walk out. Luke hands the homeless man a bear claw and the three continue their journey. DOWNTOWN RALEIGH --The trio saunters on the sidewalks. Luke playfully punches the homeless man. The homeless man pulls a knife. Jordan TAZES the homeless man. Luke and Jordan sprint away. END MONTAGE. INT. ALBERTS OFFICE Luke and Simon sit in front of Alberts desk. ALBERT Ill just come out and say it. You two are the future of this company. Youre very good at what you do, and youre beloved. That is by the people who are aware of you. But thats the problem. Who is aware of you? You have a cult following. For you to be successful at this level, for the company to have a successful future, we need the masses to know about you. Because of this, the marketing team has decided to send you off on a promotional tour. Its going to work like this -- you both are going to be visiting say radio stations, night-time talk shows, nightclubs -- just anywhere that we can reach our demographic. Optimally we want you each to take a coast. We were thinking Simon would do the eastern seaboard, and Luke, wed send you out west. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

39.

LUKE Is that OK with you, Simon. SIMON Yeah, yeah. I can handle it. INT. BACK STAGE - LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW Simon waits for his segment. Every few seconds BURSTS OF LAUGHTER come from the AUDIENCE. INT. STAGE The HOST is a young, handsome man in a two-piece suit. HOST Our next guest came all the way from a small town in Appalachia to be with us tonight. Hes a rising superstar in professional wrestling -- ladies and gentleman, Simon Gardner. The audience claps. Simon emerges from backstage. He waves and takes a seat. HOST So, you wrestle grown men for money? The audience LOSES THEIR SHIT. This is the funniest thing theyve ever heard. They LAUGH with the fury of ten-thousand hyenas. They quiet down enough for Simon to answer. SIMON Yes. The audience ROARS WITH LAUGHTER again. Simon is confused. INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT Simon and a WEALTHY ELDERLY MAN stand to leave their table. They SHAKE hands. SIMON It was lovely meeting you. Im sorry, could I get your name one more time?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: ELDERLY MAN Gerald Bartholomew Crenshaw. SIMON Beautiful name. Again, so nice to meet you. Have a great evening. Gerald SAUNTERS off. Simon takes out a notepad.

40.

CLOSEUP: Notepad. The first page reads: Deadpool 2013: Lindsay Lohan, The Pope, Ke$ha, Dakota Fanning. Simon crosses-out Dakota Fanning and pencils-in Gerald Crenshaw. NEW YORK SIDEWALK - NIGHT The night is illuminated by neon advertisements. Simon walks through the city. He comes across a BILLBOARD with an image of himself standing on the top rope. He presses on. He spots a digital screen which displays a series of images of Luke and himself. INT. BALL ROOM CLASSICAL MUSIC ECHOES. The room is packed with WEALTHY PEOPLE. All of the WOMEN wear expensive jewelry and beautiful dresses. The MEN wear tuxedos. A few wear fedoras. Simon is clearly uncomfortable in the situation. He carries a glass of champagne. He spots a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN and sits beside her. SIMON It seems were the only ones in here under sixty-five. BEAUTIFUL WOMAN Was that a pick-up line? SIMON Just trying to make conversation. BEAUTIFUL WOMAN Try harder. Simon takes a sip.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

41.

SIMON Whats your name? BEAUTIFUL WOMAN Charlotte. SIMON Im -CHARLOTTE The wrestling guy. Simon something. Well aware. SIMON How did you know? CHARLOTTE My dad told me about you. Gerald Crenshaw. He was very impressed. He wants me to marry you. SIMON Holy shit, small world. CHARLOTTE The rich douchebags who throw these parties are the same rich douchebags who pay to have dinner with celebrities. SIMON You are kind of a negative person. CHARLOTTE Hey, you were the one who decided to talk to me. SIMON I did. Im starting to rethink it. CHARLOTTE You can leave whenever you want to. But like you said, theres no one else here under sixty-five. So, unless you can hold an extended conversation about Nam, I suggest you stay put. SIMON What do you want to talk about?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

42.

CHARLOTTE I dont like talking. SIMON Do you like anything? CHARLOTTE Some things. SIMON What things? CHARLOTTE You wouldnt want to know. SIMON Ive done everything imaginable. CHARLOTTE I mean Im not putting it past you. SIMON Then come on, no judgment. Charlotte rifles through her purse. CHARLOTTE You wanna do some coke off my tits? Simon LAUGHS. CHARLOTTE I wasnt joking. SIMON Um, yes. INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY Simon awakens with white residue still under his nose. Charlotte is already dressed. She looks fantastic. SIMON Hi. CHARLOTTE Hey. SIMON Do want to get something to eat? Or something.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

43.

CHARLOTTE Ive got to go. SIMON Oh, okay. CHARLOTTE Check-out is at eleven. The key is on the counter. Charlotte jots a note. CHARLOTTE (handing Simon the note) If you need anything else, this is my guys address. Hell take care of you. Hes a good guy. SIMON Thank you. (as Charlotte walks out) Nice meeting you. Simon places the note on the night stand and enters the bathroom. LATER Simon finishes dressing and prepares to leave. He sees the note on the nightstand and stares at it in contemplation. Finally, he grabs the note and crumples it. He throws it into the waste-bin. Simon exits the room. A few beats pass. Simon reenters the room and grabs the note out of the waste-bin. SKETCHY NEW YORK STREETS - DAY Simon looks at the note and nervously glances around. INT. DRUG HOUSE - DAY A drug dealer, SANDY, holds a Firby away from his body. His eyes are closed. Toby, his boss, aims his Nine MM at the doll.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

44.

SANDY Why are we doing this again? TOBY In the event these fuckers go self-aware, we will be prepared. Toby FIRES. He misses. Sandy opens his eyes. SANDY You missed. TOBY There are rules of engagement we must observe, Sandy. I respect the Geneva Convention. Im not Osama fuckin Bin Laden. Now make the little fucker move. You think the "Furbies" are gonna stand in place on Judgment Day? SANDY I mean -- do they have legs? TOBY They have feet. SANDY Feet are worthless without legs. TOBY That kind of apathy -- thats what allowed the Holocaust to happen. Sandy waves his hand clutching the doll. Toby FIRES SEVERAL SHOTS. SANDY You hit him once. TOBY It was five warning shots. One intended kill-shot. It takes incredible marksmanship to do what I just did. A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. Toby opens the door. Simon stands outside. SIMON Hi.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

45.

TOBY Who the fuck are you? SIMON I was told you could take care of me. TOBY Who told you that? SIMON Charlotte Crenshaw. Toby smiles. He opens the door. TOBY You should have started with that. Come in, please. Simon steps in. TOBY Make yourself at home. Simon takes a seat on the couch. Toby leaves the room. He returns with two sodas. He still holds his Nine MM. TOBY Thirsty? SIMON Im fine. Toby plops down on the couch. TOBY So, what can I help you with? SIMON I was hoping to get, I guess, a little bit of everything. TOBY You new to this? SIMON Not exactly. TOBY How long since you used regularly?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

46.

SIMON Uh, three years maybe. TOBY Thats quite a stint of sobriety. Congratulations. SIMON Thanks. TOBY Now, what youre gonna want is our "Starter Kit." It has in it everything you need to get high properly and safely. Of course it comes with a top-of-the-line bong, top-of-the-line pipe, ya know, generous quantities of grass, smack, a shitload of mollies, you got codeine, morphine, methamphetamine. A little angel dust. But what separates this from our other packages is the alcohol swabs, the sterile hypodermic needles, the cottonballs -basically the things that will prevent you from getting AIDS. SIMON Not getting AIDS is actually one of my main goals in life. TOBY You want a starter kit? SIMON Yeah. Get me a starter kit. TOBY Sandy! Prepare this gentleman a starter kit. Sandy grabs a brand new duffel bag which reads: "Starter Kit." He fills the bag with drugs and drug paraphernalia. SIMON Thank God I found you. I was afraid I was going to have to get drugs off Craigslist. TOBY Whats wrong with Craigslist?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: SIMON I dont know. Its a little rape-y for my taste. TOBY I met my fiance on Craigslist. SIMON Yeah? TOBY Well, Ive never actually met her per se. But, Im flying out to California next week to meet her parents. SIMON How can you be sure she isnt secretly like, a murderer? TOBY Her profile says she a dairy farmer. SIMON Kinda sounds like shes a murderer. TOBY Ill love her despite her imperfections. Sandy places the bag at Simons feet. SIMON How much? TOBY Three-thousand. Simon hands over a bundle of cash. TOBY You want to sample anything while youre here? SIMON I think Im gonna save it for the road. Simon grabs the bag and stands. Before Simon takes a step, the door is KICKED OPEN. A MUSTACHED POLICE OFFICER enters wielding a firearm.

47.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: POLICE OFFICER GUNS DOWN, HANDS UP, FAGGOTS! Sandy and Simon raise their hands.

48.

Toby complies. He places his gun on the table in front of him. He raises his hands. POLICE OFFICER Now give me all of your product and all of your cash! TOBY Look, you can arrest me, but I wont extorted by a fuckin cop. POLICE OFFICER Ill blow your fuckin brains -The officer holds back a laugh. POLICE OFFICER Ill blow your -He again tries to suppress his laughter but fails. The officer GUFFAWS. TOBY ...Thurman? The officer peels off his mustache. THURMAN Its me you fuckin moron. TOBY You broke my door you retard. THURMAN (crying tears of pure joy) You should have heard yourself. (mocking tone) I wont be extorted by a cop. TOBY Hilarious. But the jokes on you, cause youre paying for my door. THURMAN How did you not know it was me? The mustache didnt really disguise much, it just kinda made me look like a sexual deviant.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

49.

VOICE (O.S.) We got a report that gunshots were heard from the area... They turn to see a REAL POLICE OFFICER standing at the door. The police officer spots the gun on the table in front of Toby and gropes for his own gun. Toby grabs his gun and FIRES AT THE POLICE OFFICER. He misses. Simon hits the deck. ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE as the officer returns fire. Simon crawls across the floor to the fire escape. He climbs out. NEW YORK SIDEWALK - DAY Simon humps along in disbelief. He checks the bag. Everything is OK. INT. SIMONS HOUSE - BEDROOM The walls are adorned with posters from wrestling events. Simon enters holding a suitcase. He gently lays it down on the bed and unzips it. Inside is everything promised. Simon admires his bounty. He walks over to his dresser and opens the top drawer. Simon transfers the drugs from the suitcase to the dresser. He meticulously arranges the drugs in an ordered system. TITLE CARD: TWO MONTHS LATER INT. UPSCALE RESTAURANT - NIGHT Luke and Jordan sit opposite Melinda and Ralph on a double-date. RALPH (to Luke) This guy is always getting the cushy assignments. Who was it who interviewed you last week. Carson Daly?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

50.

LUKE It was so good. He smelled really nice. JORDAN Like what? LUKE Like Jesus Christ. RALPH Jesus never bathed in his life. LUKE He was God in the flesh. RALPH Still, he probably smelled like a day-shift stripper. MELINDA (in a hushed tone to Ralph) For fucks sake, this is a nice place. I dont want to get banned. Talk about something else. JORDAN So... how are the kids doing? MELINDA Theyre great. Were actually planning on taking them on a little road trip through the South in a few weeks. You want to tell them about it, Ralph? RALPH Well, were starting in Charlotte, then over the course of a week were cutting through South Carolina, Georgia and Alabama before ending up in Mississippi. LUKE That sounds like a pilgrimage for white supremacists. Jordan CHORTLES. Ralph does not find it funny. JORDAN Im sorry.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

51.

MELINDA Can we not talk like mature adults? LUKE I retract my statement. RALPH Thank you. LUKE I am having a good time, though. MELINDA This restaurant is beautiful. LUKE Speaking of restaurants, Jordan, do you want to tell them or should I? JORDAN I dont really want to tell them. LUKE Jordan wants to start a restaurant. JORDAN I didnt really want you to tell them either. LUKE Oh God. Im sorry. Retract! Jordan smiles. JORDAN Its OK. Its probably good to get it off my chest. RALPH A restaurant? JORDAN Yeah. LUKE I really think its a cool idea. Its going to be this little Assyrian food joint in Winston. MELINDA Thats very original.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

52.

JORDAN Thanks. LUKE Another little announcement here. I have decided that when the restaurant opens, Im going to work there. RALPH Like, moonlighting? LUKE Full-time. RALPH Are you saying youre leaving EWC? LUKE Not immediately. But eventually, yeah, I guess thats what it means. INT. RALPHS CAR ON HIGHWAY - NIGHT Ralph and Melinda ride home from the restaurant. RALPH What do you think of Lukes girlfriend? MELINDA I like her. Shes nice. RALPH Come on, really. MELINDA What? Am I supposed to be jealous? RALPH I mean, shes -- I dont know. MELINDA She was really sweet to you. RALPH She laughed at my southern heritage. MELINDA Youre from Wisconsin.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

53.

RALPH Dont be so literal. MELINDA What? RALPH Youre being pedantic. MELINDA Is that what you say every time someone calls you on making a stupid fucking statement? RALPH Why are you swearing at me? Are you angry about something? MELINDA No. Youre just being irrational. Several beats. RALPH Alright, Ill level with you. I dont like Jordan, because I think she distracts Luke from work. MELINDA Thats his business. He deserves to have a personal life. RALPH A personal life thats detrimental to our business life? MELINDA What are you talking about? RALPH Look. If and when Luke leaves to work at Jordans little sweat shop, then Simon has no reason to stick with the company. Hell sign with whoever offers him the most money. MELINDA And thats his decision to make. RALPH Look, Melinda. The only reason I have a job with EWC is because Albert thinks that Im the glue (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

54.

RALPH (contd) that holds everything together. He thinks Im a cog in the machine. The fact is, Im pretty much dead weight. And when the Gardner boys up and leave, Albert is going to see right through me. A beat. MELINDA I still dont think its right that we make demands of Luke. Ralph looks at Melinda. RALPH Do you still have a thing for him? MELINDA We have children together, Ralph. Im always going to look out for him. RALPH You kind of dodged my question there. MELINDA It was a stupid fucking question. INT. LUKES OFFICE - DAY Luke plays with his phone. Ralph enters. RALPH I had a good time at dinner. LUKE Yeah, yeah. Me too. RALPH So, are you and Jordan -- ya know. LUKE I really like her. RALPH Were you serious about leaving the company for her?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: LUKE I dont know. Yeah. RALPH Im happy for you, man. We need go to dinner again soon. LUKE Were actually going to lunch today. Jordan should be here any minute. You could third-wheel if you want to. Ralph gets a terrible, awful idea. RALPH Shes coming here? LUKE Yep. RALPH Oh. Well, I wish I could go. Rain-check? LUKE Sure. Ralph turns to leave. RALPH Shit, I forgot why I came in here. Albert needs you in the gym. LUKE Oh, OK. Luke places his phone on the desk. Ralph examines a bookshelf. RALPH Is this one of those Amish pieces? LUKE Yeah. Feel free.

55.

Ralph waits for him to walk a safe-distance away and walks around Lukes desk and grabs his phone. He types: "nasty porn" into a search engine. LATER Ralph places the phone on the desk. Jordan enters just as Ralph is leaving. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

56.

JORDAN Hey. RALPH (smiling) Hows it going. Ralph leaves. Jordan looks around. The phone RINGS. She grabs the phone. When she looks at the screen, her eyes bulge. INT. EWC TRAINING GYM An elaborate room of weights and exercise equipment. In the middle is a wrestling ring. Most of the wrestlers in the company including Charlie, Doug and Phillip are present. Simon arrives. SIMON Whats going on? CHARLIE Its drug testing day. Simon pulls Charlie into the corner. SIMON Why was I not told about this? CHARLIE Ollie told everybody. SIMON He didnt tell me. CHARLIE He stood up in front of everybody. He told us. Were you not there? SIMON Apparently. INT. LUKES OFFICE Luke returns from his drug-test. Jordan sits in his chair. Shes disgusted by her discovery.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

57.

JORDAN Why do you have a stash of gang-bang porn on your phone? LUKE What? Jordan shows Luke an image on the phone. LUKE Aw fuck. Thats disgusting. JORDAN Oh, really? LUKE Yes, really. JORDAN Why are you hoarding it on your phone, then? LUKE I promise I do not watch shit like that. JORDAN Oh, did gang-bang fetishist elves sneak in and do it? Did Legolas plant hours of unethical porn on your phone? LUKE I dont know how it got on there. JORDAN Half this shit isnt even human porn. Is that ET fucking... Captain Hook? What the fuck, Luke? Jordan storms out. LUKE Jordan. You have to believe me. INT. ALBERTS OFFICE - DAY Albert addresses Ralph. ALBERT Im firing Simon.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

58.

RALPH What? ALBERT He failed his drug screen. RALPH What were the results? ALBERT Heroin. RALPH He probably just ingested a poppy seed. ALBERT You wouldnt be giving that benefit of the doubt to any other notorious drug abusers. RALPH Simon has been clean for years. ALBERT That doesnt mean anything, you know that. RALPH I think this is a witch hunt. ALBERT Why would I sabotage myself? RALPH I dont know. Why are you? ALBERT I built this company based on family values. I worked hard for my reputation. And I wont risk my name by affiliating myself with known drug users. RALPH Do you think kicking Simon out makes you some kind of moral pillar? ALBERT I think it shows integrity.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

59.

RALPH Really? Because there is nothing less ethical than throwing him out on the street right now. You preach family values. Would you throw your son out on the street if he was struggling with substance abuse? ALBERT No. RALPH I mean, cause the way I see it is, you dont want to risk your name. And you are willing to risk the health and well-being of Simon to preserve your name. And thats fucked up. ALBERT What do you suggest I do? Letting him carry on this way is just as bad as if I were to kick him out. Worse actually. RALPH Lets get him help. ALBERT Rehab? RALPH Yeah, send him to rehab. Hell, the press will eat it up. INT. REHAB CLINIC - LOBBY - DAY Simon stands clutching his bag. He approaches the front desk. NURSE Good morning, sir, how can I help you? SIMON Checking in. NURSE And you are?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

60.

SIMON Simon Gardner. NURSE Right this way. INT. REHAB CLINIC - SIMONS ROOM The room has two twin beds and a TV. Simons ROOMIE sits on the other bed. ROOMIE So, whats up? SIMON Hey. ROOMIE What got you in here? SIMON What got you in here? ROOMIE Got rabies from a hooker in Belize. That was my rock-bottom. Im Trey. SIMON Simon. INT. MEETING ROOM The NEW ARRIVALS are gathered in a circle. Simon sits in the back. DR. MARTINDALE sits in the center. He is young, blond, and blue-eyed. MARTINDALE Im Dr. Martindale. This is The Huntington Drug Rehabilitation Center. The first thing we like to do here is introduce ourselves. Tell us your name, age, and why youre here. Ill go first. Im Anthony Martindale. Im thirty-two years old. Im here because I passed med school. Who wants to go next? A ROUGH-LOOKING GUY stands.

(CONTINUED)

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61.

ROUGH GUY My name is Richard. Im forty-eight. Im here because while high on crack-cocaine, I murdered my entire family. Everyone in the circle is shocked. Richard is shocked by everyones reaction. RICHARD It was a joke. You can laugh, guys. SIMON Word to the wise, if you look like a chainsaw murderer, do not tell murder jokes. They come off less funny. RICHARD Somebody does not have a sense of humor. SIMON Sure, Im the problem. Not you, homeless Rasputin. RICHARD Alright, how bout you tell us why youre here. SIMON OK. I am Simon Gardner. Im thirty-one years old. And I was sent here. RICHARD We were all sent here. A judge sent me. SIMON That happens when you look fucking creepy and admit to murders. INT. SIMONS ROOM The NURSE goes through Simons bag. She finds a baggie of heroin, needles, a spoon, a lighter, a tourniquet, and a syringe.

62.

INT. MEETING ROOM Richard is clearly agitated. MARTINDALE Come on, Simon. Dont be combative. SIMON Mind your business, Hitler Youth. MARTINDALE Whats that supposed to mean? EXT. REHAB CLINIC - GARDEN - NIGHT Simon smokes. Dr. Martindale approaches him. MARTINDALE Could I bum a cigarette? Simon hands the doctor a cigarette. He lights it. MARTINDALE So, how do you like it here? SIMON Its nice. Mingele would be proud. MARTINDALE Thats sweet of you to say. So, what did you actually do to get sent here? SIMON Nothing. MARTINDALE This isnt prison, man. You can admit your weaknesses. I wont butt-fuck you. SIMON No butt-fuckings? MARTINDALE No. SIMON I paid good money for this place. If I want to get butt-fucked, Im gonna get butt-fucked.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

63.

MARTINDALE Not by me. SIMON I had my eye on Richard. MARTINDALE Are you trying to make me jealous? SIMON No. MARTINDALE Its working. SIMON You wanna know why Im here? MARTINDALE Isnt that what I just asked you? SIMON I failed a drug test. MARTINDALE And you think the test was the problem? SIMON Yeah. MARTINDALE Not the fact that you did cocaine out of a strippers butt-hole the night before the test? SIMON Thats not what happened. It was heroin. MARTINDALE Just heroin? SIMON Look, Im not proud of it. But Im also not insane and Im definitely not addicted. MARTINDALE So, youre just here to look good. To make it look like youre working on yourself?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

64.

SIMON Yep. Its a PR move. Im completely fine. MARTINDALE Thats actually one of the crazier things Ive heard in a while. SIMON Thats because youre crazy. Everything normal sounds crazy to you. Im the only one whose got it together in this joint. MARTINDALE Wow. That was truly bat-shit what you just said. Shades of Holocaust-denial. SIMON Youre the one with the problems. MARTINDALE Lets look at this objectively. Who is wearing the doctors coat? SIMON Anybody can get a doctors coat. Thats the first thing loons do. Murder a doctor and assume his identity. MARTINDALE You seem to know a lot about loons for not being one. SIMON Your entire job is to know about lunacy. And I think you caught it. MARTINDALE You cant catch it. Its not malaria. SIMON Denial. MARTINDALE It was a factual statement. SIMON Im here for you when you need me.

65.

INT. RALPHS OFFICE - DAY Ralph chats on the phone. Albert storms in. ALBERT Get off the phone. RALPH (on phone) I gotta go. ALBERT Everybody on Twitter is going crazy about us suspending Simon. This one guy said "If Simon Gardner is not in the show tonight, I am going to skull-fuck Albert Chainey." RALPH People say things on the internet. ALBERT That guy was Morgan Freeman. RALPH Shit. Ralph checks Twitter on his desktop. ALBERT "Shit" is right. Imagine the awful things actual internet users are saying. RALPH "I want to castrate Albert Chainey with a rusty butter-knife." Tom Hanks. ALBERT Son of a bitch. RALPH Imagine what would have happened if you fired him. The Pope probably would have carpet-bombed your neighborhood.

66.

INT. REHAB CLINIC - FELLOWSHIP HALL Simon plays a match of ping pong against Richard. He sweats profusely. RICHARD Do I really look that creepy? SIMON You look like a police sketch. Simon lays down his paddle and leaves. INT. SIMONS ROOM - DAY The room is empty. He gropes for his bag and rips it open. He unzips it. He empties the contents onto the floor. INT. MARTINDALES OFFICE Simon storms in. SIMON Hes stealing my shit. MARTINDALE Who is? SIMON The roommate you forced upon me. MARTINDALE What are you missing? SIMON I just -- I -- hes taking my belongings. MARTINDALE If youre talking about the smack you attempted to smuggle in, youre falsely accusing the man. SIMON So, youre the one snooping around in my personal shit. MARTINDALE Its protocol to search the bags of new arrivals.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

67.

SIMON Its bullshit. MARTINDALE Were trying to help. SIMON Im fine. I dont need this. INT. SIMONS ROOM Simon enters looking zombie-like. He skin is pale and his sweating continues. Trey is in a great mood. He watches The Newlywed Show. ON THE TV: We see Bob Eubanks and the contestants. Trey laughs maniacally. His face goes purple. TREY (he shouts) Oh, Olga. Where have you not made whoopie? Hey, Simon! This shows a riot! You should come watch. Simon lies on his bed with his face buried. He is clearly miserable. The loud antics of Trey grind him down. LATER Trey lies sound asleep. Simon lies awake. He stares at the ceiling. He shoots Trey a jealous look. INT. CAFETERIA - MORNING Several dozen of the patients and staff eat breakfast. Martindale approaches Simon. MARTINDALE How did you sleep? SIMON You know I didnt. Come on. Is there not a part of the Hippocratic Oath that says "Dont be a dickhead to your patients?"

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: MARTINDALE Im diagnosing you. This is very scientific, very professional of me. Youre starting to go into withdrawal. SIMON Shit. MARTINDALE Yep. Suck my dick. You are officially a drug addict. SIMON So, I am. MARTINDALE Will you listen to me now? SIMON Look, you have to dial it back. MARTINDALE This is my style, babe. Its worked on you so far. INT. ALBERTS OFFICE Ralph sits gloomily. ALBERT Are you aware of how much our stock has dropped in the two weeks that Simon has been in rehab? RALPH Uh -ALBERT Forty-five points. RALPH To be fair, if you had outright fired Simon, your stock probably would no longer exist. ALBERT I know it would be worse. It would exponentially worse. But your job is not to have slightly better ideas than me. Your job is to steer us away from PR nightmares, and you have failed.

68.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

69.

RALPH I will say Im sorry. But also Ill say youre welcome. ALBERT Shut the fuck up. Look, you have one week. If I dont see a marked improvement in our numbers, youre out. RALPH Of your good graces? ALBERT Unemployed. RALPH Look, I love this job. And I care deeply about maintaining it. So if my actions seem desperate or morally ambiguous or dangerous, I expect you to understand. ALBERT Im looking the other way. I dont care how you do it, just get me some numbers. INT. SIMONS ROOM - BATHROOM - DAY Simon leans over the toilet and vomits. TREY (O.S.) Hey, Simon! Calista here says you have a call. SIMON OK. INT. REHAB CLINIC - LOBBY Simon stands behind the front desk holding the phone to his ear. SIMON Hello?

70.

INT. RALPHS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Ralph is on the phone. RALPH Hey! Its Ralph. INTERCUT - REHAB CLINIC/ RALPHS OFFICE SIMON What do you need? I feel like shit. RALPH I was wondering if you wanted me to swing by and pick you up? SIMON I dont know if thats a good idea. They say Im going through withdrawal. RALPH They say that about everything. SIMON I feel like Im simultaneously pregnant and menopausal. RALPH Your doctors just trying to scare you. Im sure if you just get some fresh air youll be fine. SIMON I dont think so. RALPH Simon, did you ever feel this shitty outside of rehab? SIMON No. RALPH Then there you go. Its the problem not the solution. SIMON You could be right.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

71.

RALPH I know Im right. And Im coming by to get you out of there. SIMON I dont think youre allowed. RALPH Are we going to have to break you out old-fashioned? SIMON What would that involve? Cause I am not physically capable of much right now. RALPH How many stories is the building? SIMON Two. RALPH And you are on the second floor? SIMON Yes. RALPH Im thinking you should make a rope of your bed sheets. SIMON Are recommending I hang myself? RALPH No. Hang the sheets out of your window and climb down. SIMON Really, cause death seems a lot easier than that right now. RALPH Ill be there to help you. We strike at midnight.

72. EXT. DRUG CLINIC - MIDNIGHT Bedsheets hang-down from Simons window. Ralph parks his car so that the headlights illuminate the area onto which Simon will land. Ralph gets out. RALPH (whispering) Simon! SIMON (whispering) Yeah! RALPH Come down. SIMON (whispering) I started feeling better right after you called. I think you were right. This place is bad for me. Simon climbs down. MARTINDALE (O.S.) Ive got to say Im disappointed in you, Simon. Martindale emerges into the illuminated area. SIMON I have felt like nothing but shit since I stepped foot in the place. MARTINDALE God damn it. You just got over the hump, too. RALPH Hes a grown man. He can make his own choices. MARTINDALE You, please shut your fucking mouth. Simon, this is where you need to be. SIMON I hate it here. I cant stand it. I hate my roommate. I hate the therapy sessions. I hate the nurse. Sometimes man, I hate your guts.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

73.

MARTINDALE Its human to hate things. The weird thing is the fact that you dont hate this dickhead trying to erase weeks of progress which you have made here. SIMON He has gone out of his way to help me. MARTINDALE Yeah, hes helping you. Jesus Christ. SIMON Ralph, lets go. Ralph and Simon climb into the car and drive away. INT. LUKES OFFICE Luke speaks into his phone. LUKE Hey Jordan, its Luke. I know we havent spoken in a little bit, but I just wanted to invite you to our party tonight. Hope to see you there. Simon and Ralph enter. LUKE Simon. Why are you not in Huntington? SIMON I completed the course. The doctors said Im good to go. RALPH Great doctors. LUKE Good. Thats good. Im proud of you.

74.

INT. DEAN DOME - LOCKER ROOM A COUPLE DOZEN WRESTLERS prepare for their matches. Charlie rushes into the room. CHARLIE Hes back! PHILLIP Who? CHARLIE Simon got out! INT. DEAN DOME A CROWD fills most of the seats in the stadium. ANNOUNCER (O.S.) And now for your main event. Weighing in at one-hundred and eighty-five pounds, SIMON GARDNER! FIREWORKS SHOOT UP. The crowd doesnt know what to do with themselves. INT. CLUB - AFTER-PARTY - NIGHT ENTRANCE Albert sips on a drink. He affectionately slaps Ralphs face. Both are clearly drunk. ALBERT You did it, you magnificent bastard. Youre amazing. RALPH Youre amazing. ALBERT Can I adopt you? RALPH No, because then we cant be lovers. Luke enters with Simon.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

75.

LUKE Are you sure youre good here? SIMON Im fine. LUKE No drugs. No alcohol. If you get even the slightest urge, tell me and well leave. SIMON Im good, man. LOUNGE AREA Melinda sips on a martini. She is clearly smashed. She sits on a couch. MELINDA LUKE! Come here! My favorite ex-husband! ENTRANCE Luke waves at Melinda. LUKE (to Ralph) Hey, have you seen Jordan anywhere? RALPH No. But Ill tell you if I do! Ralph grabs Simon. RALPH Hes back, betches! LOUNGE AREA Luke takes a seat next to Melinda. MELINDA Im so glad youre here. Youre my favorite. Luke laughs. LUKE You need to take it easy. BAR (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

76.

Simon leans against the bar. A BRUNETTE approaches him. BRUNETTE Can I get you a drink. SIMON I cant. BRUNETTE OK. She leaves. Simon glances around the bar. He sees: --A woman eating a frozen-beverage with a spoon. He hallucinates her heating the spoon with a lighter. --Some guys in their early 20s doing E in the corner. --He hallucinates. He sees Melinda and Luke smoking crack. Simon breaks out in a cold-sweat. He is snapped back into reality by Charlie. CHARLIE Yo! Simon. Youre out! SIMON Yeah. CHARLIE Thats awesome. Look, Phil scored some shit and we were wondering if you want to come hang out with us. SIMON I just came back from rehab you fuckin retard. CHARLIE I thought that was just for-show. Simon walks out. EXT. CLUB Simon walks to his car and rifles through his "starter kit."

77.

INT. CLUB - ENTRANCE Jordan enters. She sees Ralph. JORDAN (to Ralph) Have you seen Luke anywhere? RALPH No. But Id like to see you somewhere. In the titty... showing... room. JORDAN Thats sweet of you. RALPH Hey, why are you messing around with that pervert anyway? Hes into animal porn. JORDAN Who told you? RALPH Uhhh... he did. Were good friends. JORDAN No, you arent. He hates you. RALPH And I hate him back. JORDAN So, how did you know? RALPH Intuition. JORDAN You were in there when I found his phone. RALPH No, I wasnt. JORDAN You said "hey" to me. You gave me this big shit-eating grin. RALPH Im a happy person.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

78.

JORDAN Did you put that shit on his phone? RALPH Maybe. JORDAN What is wrong with you? Who plants porn on other peoples phones? Who does that? RALPH Im a sick man. You should punish me. With sex. Jordan storms off. RALPH Aw, fuck it. Melinda! Ralph searches for Melinda. LOUNGE MELINDA Why did we get a divorce? LUKE You cheated on me. MELINDA Oh, yeah. But to be fair you were such a dick. LUKE Really, I was? I mean I didnt mean to be. MELINDA I tried really hard to save the marriage. I tried to get you to notice me. LUKE You did? MELINDA I mean I worked out, I got my hair done all the time. I was at the salon so much I became conversational in Vietnamese.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: LUKE You did? MELINDA But you really didnt notice. You were such an ass-hole. LUKE It kind of sounds that way. MELINDA But now that we got a divorce and everything, I really like you. And it makes me sad that we broke-up. LUKE Yeah. Yeah, it sucks that we got a divorce. MELINDA Im so sorry that I cheated on you. I totally am. That was so shitty of me. Now Im with Ralph, and hes so much more of a dick than you ever could be. LUKE He is. Hes a fuckin tool. MELINDA Hey! Thats my future husband youre talking about. LUKE Sorry. MELINDA You know he cheats on me. LUKE What? MELINDA Yeah, he sleeps around. But how can I complain, Ive been known to sleep around too. LUKE You cant let him run all over you. MELINDA Youre just saying that to be sweet.

79.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

80.

LUKE No. Jesus. No. You deserve better than that. MELINDA OK. LUKE You do. MELINDA Youre such a good guy. I fucked up so bad. BAR Jordan spots Luke with Melinda. Melinda kisses Luke. Jordan leaves. LOUNGE AREA Luke stops himself. LUKE Melinda, as much as I would like to do this, you are extremely drunk. Melinda passes out. LUKE Melinda. Luke lays her on the couch. He spots Jordan leaving. He runs after her. Ralph arrives and finds Melinda. He carries her out. EXT. CLUB - NIGHT Jordan walks toward her car. Luke exits the club in pursuit. LUKE Jordan, I need to talk to you! JORDAN I dont want to talk. LUKE Why?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

81.

JORDAN Um, well, I just saw you making out with someone. LUKE She kissed me. JORDAN You didnt seem to stop her. LUKE I did. JORDAN Im not a child. Jordan gets into her car and leaves. Ralph drunkenly stumbles out carrying Melinda. He puts her in the passenger seat. He walks toward the drivers side. Luke turns to see Ralph. LUKE Ralph, stop. Youre not driving in that condition. Ralph doesnt understand Luke. RALPH HOW-DY! Luke runs at him. Ralph screams and jumps in his car. He rolls down the window. Youre a maniac! Ralph speeds away. Luke stops, panting. He goes back inside. INT. CLUB Luke searches for Simon. He sees Charlie smoking a blunt. LUKE Have you seen Simon? CHARLIE Yeah, he called me a "retard" and split. LUKE Do you know where he was going?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

82.

CHARLIE No. But he looked like hell. Luke continues his search. LUKE Simon! He asks the brunette. LUKE Have you seen Simon? Simon Gardner. BRUNETTE Not for a while. Luke asks the group of 20-somethings on E. LUKE Have you seen Simon Gardner? The HEAD DOUCHE BAG answers. HEAD DOUCHE Calm your tits. Hes probably just takin a shit. Lukes face goes blank. INT. CLUB - BATHROOM Luke throws the door open. LUKE Simon! No answer. Luke spots a pair of legs in one of the stalls. LUKE Simon? No response. Luke weighs his options. He KICKS OPEN THE STALL DOOR. Simon sits on the toilet, body limp with the tourniquet wrapped around his arm. His skin is extremely pale. LUKE God damn it. Luke unwraps the tourniquet and picks up Simon.

83.

EXT. CLUB Luke runs as fast as he can without dropping the comatose Simon. He puts Simon in his car and peels out. EXT. HOSPITAL - AMBULANCE DROP-OFF Luke SCREECHES TO A STOP. INT. HOSPITAL - LOBBY Luke carries Simon. LUKE I need help. A FLEET OF NURSES bring a gurney and whisk Simon away. INT. HOSPITAL - ER WAITING ROOM Luke nervously waits in one of the chairs. A DOCTOR approaches him. DOCTOR It looks like a heroin overdose. LUKE God damn it. DOCTOR You got him here in good time. LUKE OK. DOCTOR Were keeping him in intensive care for a bit longer, but when he gets out youll be able to visit him. LUKE How long should it be? DOCTOR Several hours.

84.

INT. GARDNER HOME - BEDROOM Ralph is sound asleep next to Melinda. Luke enters. He grabs Ralph by the ankle and drags him out of bed. Melinda SCREAMS. She runs out of the room. Ralph attacks Luke. Luke over-powers him, punching him several times. LUKE If I hear about you driving drunk with my family in the vehicle ever again, I will put you in a coma. RALPH Youre going to prison buddy. Home invasion. Assault and battery. Youre fucked. INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - MORNING Simon lies asleep on his bed. Melinda sits by his side. Shes hungover. He wakes up. MELINDA Hey. Youre in the hospital. SIMON What happened? A beat. MELINDA I dont know. SIMON Why are you here? MELINDA Luke got arrested last night. I didnt want you to wake up in an empty room. SIMON Thats very Christian of you, Melinda. A beat.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

85.

SIMON Melinda. MELINDA Yeah. SIMON I used to call you terrible things. Unforgivable things. MELINDA Its OK. SIMON Satan. Hitler. Cunt Chocula. Melinda laughs. SIMON I just want to say I was wrong. Youre a good woman. MELINDA Thank you, Simon. INT. JAIL CELL - MORNING Luke stares at the wall. A GUARD approaches. GUARD Somebody posted bond. EXT. JAIL PARKING LOT - MORNING Ollie walks Luke to his car. OLLIE What did you do? LUKE Beat the shit out of Ralph. Ollie chuckles. OLLIE I guess that was a long time coming.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: LUKE Oh yeah. OLLIE Listen, Ralph really means nothing to the company. If it means keeping you, Ill fire him tonight. LUKE I appreciate it, Ollie. But I dont have much interest in wrestling. OLLIE OK. If you ever have a change of heart, my doors open. LUKE Take it easy. Luke drives off. INT. SIMONS HOUSE - DAY Luke enters. LUKE Simon, we need to talk. SIMON Before you say anything, I would like to say something to you. How dare you divorce Melinda? She is an angel. Shes a saint. Youre a fiend. Youre an animal. Youre a fucking savage. Youre a cretin. LUKE Im just waiting for your vocabulary to catch up to you. SIMON Oh, youre funny. It makes it easy to forget that you werent there when your brother almost fucking died. LUKE I brought you to the hospital. SIMON You brought me to the party, too. It was the least you could do.

86.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

87.

LUKE I didnt want to leave. SIMON Then why did you? LUKE I needed to sort things out with Ralph. SIMON So basically youre saying, your anger against Ralph was greater than your concern for your comatose brother? LUKE No. SIMON Melinda was there for me, man. She aint even blood. Youre lucky she stuck with your ass as long as she did. LUKE I am. SIMON Fuckin A. Luke spots the "starter kit." LUKE I dont mean to change the subject, but what is a "starter kit?" SIMON Its like training-wheels for drug users. LUKE Have you thought about pitching it? SIMON I might empty it. The bag is pretty high-quality though. LUKE Youre not keeping it. Luke walks over to the bag.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: LUKE Yeah, youre hiding a stash somewhere. INT. SIMONS HOUSE - BEDROOM Simon pulls out his top drawer. Lukes eyes bug-out. LUKE Holy shit. Youre like a living Tom Petty song. Luke throws out several bags of drugs. SIMON Were going to have to find a more permanent solution. Ill just fish those out of the can. INT. BOAT ON THE LAKE - DAY

88.

Luke and Simon cut through at a deliberate pace. The summer sun beats down on them. Cicadas and crickets CHIRP. They move not much faster than the current will take them. Luke and Simon dump the drugs one-by-one. LUKE Simon, Im about to go away for a good chunk of time. Just promise me youll try to stay clean. SIMON I will. LUKE Im just thinking maybe it would be best if you went back to rehab. SIMON I dont know. I think rehab was kind of the cause of my relapse last time. LUKE How? SIMON I felt like shit my entire time there. I didnt feel like myself until Ralph broke me out.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

89.

LUKE I thought you said you completed the course? SIMON I was lying. LUKE I think beating the shit out of Ralph was worth it. SIMON Yeah, hes a dick. Simon empties the last bag. Do you think dumping meth in a fresh-water lake is ethically questionable? LUKE Probably. EXT. GARDNER HOME - DAY Luke approaches the front door. Ralph walks out carrying a box of personal items. RALPH You are violating the restraining order and I am calling the police. Ralph re-enters the house. Melinda pokes her head out the door. MELINDA Come on in. INT. GARDNER HOME - LIVING ROOM Luke sits on the couch. Melinda enters the room and takes a seat next to Luke MELINDA So, how are you doing? LUKE Pretty good considering. MELINDA Hows Simon?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

90.

LUKE Hes alright. I think hes in love with you. MELINDA Really? LUKE I thought he hated you. MELINDA Me too! LUKE He used to say terrible things about you. MELINDA He told me. LUKE Now he kinda hates me. MELINDA No shit? LUKE Hes a fickle little son-of-a-bitch. MELINDA Im just glad hes on my side now. LUKE Im worried about the boy. I dont know how hes gonna fare without me around. MELINDA I could watch out for him. LUKE Would you do that for me? MELINDA Yeah, yeah, yeah. He needs somebody. A POLICE SIREN. LUKE He actually called the cops on me.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

91.

MELINDA (shouting to Ralph) Ralph, you pussy. Just grab your shit and get out! RALPH (O.S.) Im bubble wrapping my George Foreman! It takes time! LUKE Youre kicking him out? MELINDA Yeah. LUKE Good for you, Mel. MELINDA Hes always bugged me. LUKE He pisses me off. MELINDA I know, youve assaulted him twice. Luke chortles. LUKE Fuckin Ralph. RALPH (O.S.) Please dont use my name in vain. Im right here, guys. LUKE Its a shame we didnt work out. Youre kinda groovy. MELINDA Groovy? LUKE Hell yeah. MELINDA Ill take it. Luke walks toward the door.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

92.

LUKE You my bottom bitch! MELINDA Is that good thing? It sounds derogatory. LUKE (walking out the door) Its the best thing. EXT. GARDNER HOME - CONTINUOUS Luke is handcuffed by the police. INT. PRISON - CELL Luke is ushered in. The homeless man sits next to him. He reads a geometry book. LUKE Hey! Youre the -- homeless guy. Sorry about the way we left things last time. HOMELESS MAN My name is Walter. I have a name. And feelings, frankly. LUKE Sorry. About the name and the tazing. WALTER Yeah, about that. What the fuck, man? LUKE To be fair, you pulled a knife on me. WALTER You attacked me. LUKE It was a love-tap. WALTER It was an upper-cut. You dont upper-cut out of love.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

93.

LUKE Well, Im sorry. A beat. WALTER So, what are you in for? LUKE Assault. You? WALTER I tried to sell a kid on EBAY. LUKE Like, a kidney? WALTER Like a human child. LUKE Thats kind of cunt-ish. I can see why youre here. WALTER Oh, you can? You dont believe in a free market? Fascist. My papa warned me about people like you. Right after he tried to sell me. LUKE Come on. Be civil. We used to friends, man. Remember? WALTER Oh yeah, good friends. The kind that perpetrate felonies against each other. LUKE I am not going to stay in cell and be shamed indefinitely. WALTER Yeah? LUKE What are you working on, your GED? WALTER So what if I am?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

94.

LUKE I could help you with it. WALTER Im fine, thank you. Several beats. Fuckin Pythagoras. Fascist. LUKE You need help? WALTER Yes. MONTAGE: INT. PRISON - THE YARD --Luke and Walter jog. INT. PRISON - LIBRARY --Luke teaches Walter a geometry lesson. Luke uses a whiteboard. It reads: "A^2 + B^2 (not-equal sign) (a picture of Benito Mussolini.)" INT. GARDNER HOME - ATTIC --Melinda finds a picture of Erin, Colin, Luke and herself in front of a waterfall. She dusts it off and smiles. INT. PRISON - THE YARD --The inmates play a game of baseball. Walter is at-bat. The pitcher throws at him. Walter charges the mound. Luke rushes to break up the scrum. INT. GARDNER HOME - LIVING ROOM --Melinda sets the picture on the mantle.

95.

INT. PRISON - GYM --Luke bench-presses. Walter spots. INT. PRISON - LIBRARY --Walter reads Ethan Frome. INT. GARDNER HOME - STUDY --Melinda writes a letter. Its addressed to Jordan. INT. PRISON - LIBRARY --Walter writes an essay. INT. PRISON - CELL --Luke does push-ups. INT. REHAB CLINIC - FELLOWSHIP HALL --Simon and Martindale come face-to-face. They hug. Richard makes the hug a three-way. INT. PRISON - LIBARY --Walter takes the GED. INT. PRISON - VISITING ROOM --Erin and Colin talk to Luke. INT. PRISON - LIBRARY --A guard hands Walter an envelope. Walter reads its contents. WALTER I passed! I passed! Walter tackles Luke in excitement.

96.

INT. PRISON - CELL --Luke and Walter shake hands. Luke is led away by the guards. END MONTAGE. EXT. PRISON - DAY Melinda, Erin, and Colin huddle in a circle. Luke emerges. COLIN How was it on the inside? LUKE I enjoyed myself. MELINDA Dont encourage him. LUKE My bad. MELINDA Theres somebody who wanted to see you. Melinda points into the distance. Its Jordan. Luke waves. LUKE Hey, Ill see you guys... Saturday? MELINDA Go talk to her! Luke approaches Jordan. JORDAN Melinda wrote me. She said youre doing well. LUKE Yeah, I think so. JORDAN I didnt know if I should come. LUKE Im glad you came. Listen, Jordan, Im sorry --

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: JORDAN Dont. Im just going to get pissed off. LUKE OK. JORDAN So -- did you need a ride home? EXT. TOBACCO FIELD - DAY

97.

Luke and Jordan sit watching workers sucker the plants. LUKE So, what have you been up to the last six months? JORDAN I went back to school. Got my degree in prostitution from DeVry -LUKE Thats fancy. JORDAN You know it. LUKE So, like, when we get married are you going to quit? Im a monogamist. JORDAN First of all, youre not even forgiven yet. Second, monogamy blows. LUKE How can you say that? JORDAN Most great human beings are not monogamists. LUKE Elaborate. JORDAN Captain Kirk was known for his philandering.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

98.

LUKE He wasnt even married. JORDAN He he had sex with an alien life form. He cheated on the entire human race. LUKE Yeah. But he was fictional. JORDAN Almost every president slept around. Mount Rushmore is basically a monument to promiscuity. LUKE Im not a president. I dont want to be a president or a fictional captain. JORDAN Thats good. Its good that you have no goals. LUKE I dont. None. JORDAN Didnt you get fired? LUKE I quit. JORDAN Oh, thats cooler. LUKE Yeah. JORDAN So, what are you planning on doing? LUKE My buddy has this company. Were going to sell gently used "Mary Kay" products. JORDAN Now thats fancy.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

99.

LUKE So, what ever happened with your restaurant? JORDAN Havent opened it, yet. Right now Im selling alpacas on the black market. Luke GUFFAWS. JORDAN To make ends meet. LUKE What the hell? Jordan LAUGHS. JORDAN You asked. LUKE I did. JORDAN I want to go somewhere. LUKE Where? JORDAN Maine. LUKE Whats in Maine? JORDAN I have no idea. And I have to find out. LUKE You know what? Im game. When are we going? JORDAN I was thinking now. Luke and Jordan stand and walk toward the car. LUKE Now?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

100.

JORDAN When were you thinking? LUKE Like, Autumn. JORDAN I like my idea better. LUKE Yeah, I do too. They drive off. FADE TO BLACK THE END